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User Topic: Betrayed Women
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, April 2nd (Monday)

A place where women come together and share their challenges, difficulties, fears and triumphs.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, April 2nd (Monday)

Come on ladies, where are you! We aren't representin' very well in the new forum!!


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
once proud wife
Member
Member # 12706
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, April 2nd (Monday)

BW here. It sucks. Having a bad week and a bad night. My H is an insensitive clod and I need more support from him. I am scared to death because I still love him - which means he still can and does hurt me. So I have contributed challenges, difficulties, and fears. No triumphs - unless the fact that we are still married counts.


Me: BW (33)
Him: WH (34)
Together 17 years, married 5
Discovery started in late Aug '06 with major revelation mid Oct '06.
New DDay, new OW, mostly EA - 3/2/2008 (later figured out there were more women before we M)
Currently - still M

Posts: 737 | Registered: Nov 2006
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, April 2nd (Monday)

I'm here.


Me: 41
Two boys: 16 and 13
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25502 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

(((onceproud))) - sorry you are having a bad week.

Hi click!


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Once proud, I just read your profile. So what's going on?


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
wasfooled2
Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Count me in! I'm here!! Had a really bad night last night so I'm exhausted. :(

I'm so glad the mods set this up for us. I can't wait to get to know you all better and expand my SI family.


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
Formykids
Member
Member # 12653
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Although I am emotionally separating from WH I find it to be EXTEMELY difficult and painful!

Just wanted to share that with you guys... (cause I know you'all care!)

[This message edited by Formykids at 9:11 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]


Behind every successful man is his woman, behind the fall of a successful man is the other woman!

Confront the most BRUTAL facts of your current situation, so you are able to come back from difficulties not weakened but stronger!


Posts: 1352 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Texas
ultrapain
Member
Member # 12810
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Hello ladies,

I'm 5 months out from ILYB, and 3 months out from his moving in with OW.

I'm actually okay with him being gone and see it as very good for me now, though his method of leaving hurt like hell and laid me very low. I've moved on from that with the help of SI and my friends out here in reality.

The only thing that really gets to me now is the financial mess he left me with...little bitter about that part. I'm going to make it work for me though.

D pending. Looking forward to the new normal with hope.


The phoenix Hope can wing her way through the desert skies and still, defying fortune's spite, revive from ashes and rise. ~Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

I'm a cranberry!


Posts: 1798 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Bloom County..in the Outland now
browneyedgrl
Member
Member # 14143
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Hello. I too struggle with the fear of still being "in love" with my STBXWH. I think now though, I'm starting to realize that I'm not in love with "him" (who could love someone who has completely devastated you to the core, right?) but more "in love" with what I thought we were and the "idea" of what we were. Plus, I hate this for my son. I fought my STBXWH for 3 years to "love" his family not OW...but when they are in the fog, they are IN THE FOG!!! ya know?

My son and I will be moving soon and starting our new life together without WH. I'm excited and scared all at the same time...I know we will be better off, I just still struggle with how we (son & I) were so easily "replaced". Does anyone else feel/felt this way? Does it ever go away?????


BS 32
XH 43
married 7 years together 9 years
DS 4, the only thing that gets me through!!
Divorced 7/07
Moving on to my new life and HAPPY!!

"SDWF seeks NNPDNSNSACLTCSWM to have a possible long-term relationship."


Posts: 63 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: KY
one sad lady
Member
Member # 12891
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

4 months exactly since the PI report. I have no regrets for kicking him out,but of course little choice. I am often sad but mostly just so relieved that I do not have to deal with his crap anymore. I am very slowly figuring out who I am and what I want. I lost so much of me, it is hard to know where to begin. But I am ready to stand and deliver.


In the heaviness of night, when all
Creatures seek the ghost of Slumber, I
Sit up, singing at one time and sighing
At another. I am awake always.

~ Khalil Gibran


Posts: 4476 | Registered: Dec 2006
pebbles
Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Throughout our whole M I've had to struggle with his porn.
Now after he has destroyed me with A he no longer does the porn and he is now treating me like I wanted to be treated all along.

Don't get me wrong he was a wonderful husband, good dad, and my best friend. We only had the difficulty with the porn which caused sexual problems with me.

I wonder how long this wonderful treatment is going to last. For the first time I feel like he really wants me.

Should I give him the chance he's asked for and open myself up to future pain?


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
BelleStar
Member
Member # 13515
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

U can hit me with a 2x4 as nto only am I a BW now D, I am a BGF and trying to just get by one day at a time.
Trying to trust him a little more each day...until its trigger time

Posts: 1106 | Registered: Feb 2007
ultrapain
Member
Member # 12810
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Pebbles, That's a hard question to answer with so little info.

How much porn are we talking about? Was he addicted to it and needed it even when having sex or does he subscribe to a magazine and you just feel somehow less desirable because of it?

Whatever the level, the fact that it makes you uncomforable is a problem. Why did he stop with the porn? How long ago did he stop?


The phoenix Hope can wing her way through the desert skies and still, defying fortune's spite, revive from ashes and rise. ~Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

I'm a cranberry!


Posts: 1798 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Bloom County..in the Outland now
Woman_scorned
Member
Member # 13247
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I'm here too....Have been having a rough few days. I just get to that point that I just start crying...no real triggers I just can't help it. I guess I just start thinking of where I am in my life and this is SO NOT where I pictured myself to be

Feels like I am in limbo land....


Both BS/WS
Recovering, Re-discovering, and Reconciling :)

My karma ran over your dogma :P


Posts: 1417 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Closer to Heaven now :)
pebbles
Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

When I finally agreed to therapy last year I learned what he had. An Addiction to Sex.

First stacks and stacks of magazines and then lots of porn on internet.

He's in therapy now.

Not sure of what month he stopped because I wasn't in any condition to know. It was last summer sometime. He was in denial for awhile that he wasn't like that.

Says now he has no urges to do the porn and that he's sorry he hurt me so bad over all those years. He just wants me now.

I lost my sex drive because of it. I'm worried about the future and the future pain he could cause me.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
once proud wife
Member
Member # 12706
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Mad - Thanks for listening to my post. You are a better spouse than my H! LOL

I have been repressing my feelings and trying to act happy for months. About a month out my H brought up separation for my benefit (lovely?), since I was clearly hurting too much. He said something about people needing to make themselves happy. So, I acted as happy as I could manage (at least around him) for months. From the posts I read, I know others do the same.

Anyway, my feelings are starting to seep out unexpectedly - and sometimes explode. I think some of it is related to my H starting to act married about three weeks ago - comments to his friends about having to check with his wife before making an investment, telling stories about how we met, etc. Three weeks of this broke the work I had done on emotional detachment. So I realize that I love him - which scares me and makes me so mad at myself.

I left him a note this morning trying to explain some of my feelings, that I am dealing with them every hour of everyday, and telling him that I need his support and reassurance. I guess only time will tell me if this was an incredibly stupid thing to try after last night when he said that I needed to figure out why I was so unhappy when I drink too much. So I tried to talk about my feelings (HUGE step for me) and he was still stuck on my drinking. WTF It's clear as day to everyone else who knows about the A that I am still reeling from the A. And no one else thinks I am crazy for having these feelings.

Ya'll are great. Without SI I would be much worse off.


Me: BW (33)
Him: WH (34)
Together 17 years, married 5
Discovery started in late Aug '06 with major revelation mid Oct '06.
New DDay, new OW, mostly EA - 3/2/2008 (later figured out there were more women before we M)
Currently - still M

Posts: 737 | Registered: Nov 2006
sweetiehurts
Member
Member # 12429
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

BW here.

Must be a full moon or something. I have cried more this week than I have since Christmas. I'm not regretting any of my decisions but I do regret all of my wh's decisions.

He should have been a man, grown some balls and divorced me. Instead of being a slime bucket. I hate everything he did to my marriage (I say "my" here because, according to him, I am the only one who cares). I know I care but he no longer gets to know that.

My divorce hearing is set for next Tuesday at 1:30 PM. How sad for me.

How sad for all of us.

Sweetie


Me BS 49
Him WS 47 (BPD)
M 12-4-93 (together since 10/89)
OWM 41 PA-9/2006 secy
OWM 28 PA-6/2006 strpr
OWM 27 EA-2003 strpr
Dday #1 10-31-03;Dday #2 8-29-06
Dday #3 10-25-06;Dday #4 11-29-06
Character is how you behave when you are alone.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Ohio
ultrapain
Member
Member # 12810
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Pebbles, how is the sex life now? Are you getting your drive back or are you still in the same place despite his efforts?

It sounds like other than this one thing, you think he is a good man. How is R going otherwise?


The phoenix Hope can wing her way through the desert skies and still, defying fortune's spite, revive from ashes and rise. ~Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

I'm a cranberry!


Posts: 1798 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Bloom County..in the Outland now
pebbles
Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Sex drive is not very high yet.

When I first found out about the A and we decided the marriage was worth saving I couldn't get enough of him.
Now I know it was hysterical bonding.

He is a very good man. He is the very best dad. While our sons were growing up he was always there for them.

They didn't know about the porn problem because I made him keep the magazines out of the house. We all had our own computers so they didn't use his. Our youngest knows about the A because he finally cornered me and asked me what was wrong with me was I having a breakdown.

I had thought about leaving him a few times over this porn thing, but everything else about him is wonderful and I wouldn't split up the family. Now the guys are grown and my youngest thinks I should leave him. He doesn't even know about the porn problem.

My WH has asked for a chance to make up for what he has done to me.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
forgivingone
Member
Member # 13420
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Count me in! Having an okay day today. H and I made plans to go to NY City together end of May for a show and quick trip for me. He is there on business. He wants me to be there so much, it makes me feel wanted and needed. Yay!


Married 21 yrs.
DDay 6-5-06


In a minute there is time for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse. T.S. Eliot

All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother. Abraham Lincoln


Posts: 850 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: florida
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I just still struggle with how we (son & I) were so easily "replaced". Does anyone else feel/felt this way?

Yes! I told H that it feels like he threw us in the trash like we are garbage and not worth anything. He doesn't get it. Surprise, suprise.


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

onceproud - Personally, I have never been a big fan of the whole "fake it til you make it" idea. Similar to what you mentioned in your post, I found that if I repressed my thoughts and emotions too much, it led to everything coming out in a big explosion.

Do you think your H is still in the fog?


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

BTW, *hugs* and hello to everyone!


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
once proud wife
Member
Member # 12706
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Mad -

I don't know if my H is still in the "fog". I assume so. We never talk about the A - ok, hardly ever - so I have no idea what he thinks. My assumptions are not pretty.

Did I mention I wrote him a note this morning with a list of my feelings? It's my latest attempt to communicate them to him. He instant messaged me that he read the note and would try to read it again later when he wasn't so stressed. I guess work is bad today; he doesn't tell me much about anything.

I think my relationship is a giant mess and neither of us have the ability to fix it. Eek, hope this isn't a vent. I am just having a rough time.


Me: BW (33)
Him: WH (34)
Together 17 years, married 5
Discovery started in late Aug '06 with major revelation mid Oct '06.
New DDay, new OW, mostly EA - 3/2/2008 (later figured out there were more women before we M)
Currently - still M

Posts: 737 | Registered: Nov 2006
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

How come you don't talk about it? Is that his choice or yours or mutual?

I don't think there's a chance in hell of fixing anything if you don't talk about it.

Going back to what's in your profile, is the one e-mail all the real proof that you have?


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
once proud wife
Member
Member # 12706
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Mad -

Hm, I am no longer sure why we don't talk about it. I am not good with feelings talk, but, actually, have gotten tons better with my friends and IC. I think H and I don't talk because he can't do it. I tried a few times - early on he says things like "clearly you are too upset, we should separate" and then this week it's "how does this justify your drinking?". I think I can't talk to him because of his reactions to it - I get scared and drop it.

No, the email isn't everything. I had gut feelings in the summer based on little things I noticed, my heart agreed, just couldn't get my head on board until I read the stream of emails between them - that's why the email has meaning to me. In MC my H stopped denying EA/PA. In conversations since then, no more denial from H. Told me he wanted both of us, etc. etc. etc. They had a 5 month EA/PA and I strongly suspect he wanted to leave me but couldn't get the b*lls to do it (would hurt me) - he once said it hadn't gone that far (not it wasn't going to happen) and he couldn't deny it when I said there was no way OW was going to hang around without promises like that.

Since I am also a little spy now, I also got agreement from OW's almost ex-Husband ,as well as confirmation from H's best friend (H told him), and I have naked pictures.


Me: BW (33)
Him: WH (34)
Together 17 years, married 5
Discovery started in late Aug '06 with major revelation mid Oct '06.
New DDay, new OW, mostly EA - 3/2/2008 (later figured out there were more women before we M)
Currently - still M

Posts: 737 | Registered: Nov 2006
HurtinCutie
Member
Member # 7798
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

BW here too! It does suck. Getting through it though.
I'm just having a bad non-a related (ok, well, I guess in a round-about way, it's A-related)day today.


That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.
Can you get to your future if your past is present?
~Carrie Bradshaw Sex and the City

Posts: 3889 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Canada
once proud wife
Member
Member # 12706
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Hurtin - Dang it, you're a tease. I started getting excited that someone here could have any kind of day not related to the A, then you ruined it.

I'm just having a bad non-a related (ok, well, I guess in a round-about way, it's A-related)day today.


Me: BW (33)
Him: WH (34)
Together 17 years, married 5
Discovery started in late Aug '06 with major revelation mid Oct '06.
New DDay, new OW, mostly EA - 3/2/2008 (later figured out there were more women before we M)
Currently - still M

Posts: 737 | Registered: Nov 2006
itsabattle
Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I am also a betrayed woman and I can relate to many of the points made so far:

Yes - I too was easily replaced.
Yes - lied to and it hurts.
Yes - left in a right old financial mess.
Yes - I struggle with the loss of the idea of marriage.

This week is difficult as it is the school hols and it seems to remind me of what families are usually doing about now. I feel I have come a long way since Christmas but there is still a long way to go until I get through the day without giving him a thought - even if it is one of hate.


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
Minigirl
Member
Member # 6586
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Wow- I love this new forum!!!!


"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That's why they call it the present."

"The deepest circle in hell is set aside for betrayers and mutineers." Captain Jack Sparrow


Posts: 3941 | Registered: Mar 2005
HurtinCutie
Member
Member # 7798
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

LOL OPW - sorry. See my post in Gen for the scoop. It's distantly A-related. Kind of in the same light as "if I'd taken road A instead of road B, I wouldn't have been pulled over for speeding".


That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.
Can you get to your future if your past is present?
~Carrie Bradshaw Sex and the City

Posts: 3889 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Canada
wifetoj77
Member
Member # 10781
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I'n here as well.


Me- BS- 32
Him- WH- 35
M- 15 years
Dday Easter Morning April 16, 2006
6 kids
Back to square one

Posts: 1203 | Registered: May 2006 | From: NE USA
once proud wife
Member
Member # 12706
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Hurtin - I was just telling one of my support friends that everything seems to run back to the A. If it's bad, it gets worse. If it's good, it gets messed up. Touches everything all the time.

I am sorry for your bad day. If there was a magic pill that would fix it all....I would fight you for it! lol Hang in there.


Me: BW (33)
Him: WH (34)
Together 17 years, married 5
Discovery started in late Aug '06 with major revelation mid Oct '06.
New DDay, new OW, mostly EA - 3/2/2008 (later figured out there were more women before we M)
Currently - still M

Posts: 737 | Registered: Nov 2006
oar1
Member
Member # 11818
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)

Im part of this group unfortunately. so count me in!!!!

[This message edited by oar1 at 9:53 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Jersey
once proud wife
Member
Member # 12706
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)

Welcome, oar.

Hm - why are the guys over in Betrayed Men killing us with posts?


Me: BW (33)
Him: WH (34)
Together 17 years, married 5
Discovery started in late Aug '06 with major revelation mid Oct '06.
New DDay, new OW, mostly EA - 3/2/2008 (later figured out there were more women before we M)
Currently - still M

Posts: 737 | Registered: Nov 2006
Renee
Member
Member # 8502
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

I'm here as well.
I don't think we'll make it, cause I don't believe that you can love someone, then go be with someone else. He said that things "could" be better. I don't see it, and actually feel more bitter today then before, cause I've been asked to stay. I just don't have those feelings like I use to. He was the one, and now there's nothing left.
I want to move on, I agreed to the end of the year, but I don't know why.
Hugs everyone...

Renee


"If you want Loyalty, get a Dog"
___________________________________
Me-49
WH-49
One very special Daughter-5.
Together 9 years.
D-Day 10/23/05

"Treat Me Like An Angel, And I'll Take You To Heaven"


Posts: 1491 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Mtns. of So Cal
mkr543
Member
Member # 12867
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

Hm - why are the guys over in Betrayed Men killing us with posts?

I think it's because they have beer and stuff in there! Beer, music, whiskey...they even have poetry. I was thinking of getting a stick-on moustache, guy clothes and a baseball cap and sneaking in!

Ok, time to be serious...I think the hardest part for me was getting the ILYBNILWY speech and getting kicked to the curb for some broad he knew for a MONTH!!!

I thought it was an exit affiar at the time. Maybe it was, since she dumped him. And now, well, I'm not as bad as being alone, I guess!!

But now I'd rather be alone than with him. And according to him, that's my destiny...ALONE. I had told him that there was no way I could or would stay with him if he insists on having the OW as his *friend*, and he was quite annoyed and said, "Well, then, you're going to be alone!" I told him that didn't sound that bad to me!

Anyone else on the verge of leaving?


Me:BS - 38
Him: FWH - 44
d-day: November 12, 2006

Too long a sacrifice can make stone of the heart. -William Butler Yeats


Posts: 1838 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: New England
mkr543
Member
Member # 12867
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

I really think the reason the men have so many more posts is because there are so many more women than men on here, they're all jazzed to have a thread of their own, without us girl-type people going in there and making them use coasters and stuff.

But really, good for them...I'm glad they can have that place.


Me:BS - 38
Him: FWH - 44
d-day: November 12, 2006

Too long a sacrifice can make stone of the heart. -William Butler Yeats


Posts: 1838 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: New England
whiteflower99
Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

I'm here. Just wanted to say Hi and ((hugs)) to everyone. Maybe we should write poetry too...


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1675 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

mkr - I am semi "on the verge of leaving". I keep telling my friends I'm on a five year plan!

On my 2nd d-day, his shit was packed and in the car and my mom, of all people, convinced me to let him stay. She said "don't let the paycheck walk out the door." Surprising advice from my mom. You'd have to know her.

Anyway, I'm stashing money and figuring out what I need to do to get my butt in school and get a degree. I have been a SAHM for almost 10 years now so I am getting my ducks in a row, so to speak, before I divorce him.


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
mkr543
Member
Member # 12867
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

I guess I'm fortunate that I only have myself (and my little dog) to worry about. I'm more on the five-month plan.

By the time the leaves leave, I think I will have as well.


Me:BS - 38
Him: FWH - 44
d-day: November 12, 2006

Too long a sacrifice can make stone of the heart. -William Butler Yeats


Posts: 1838 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: New England
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

I don't know that I would call you "fortunate". I mean, you're here aren't you?

I think that even if I didn't have the kids, I would still have a really difficult time leaving.

I don't like to be alone.

Saying this will probably bring out the 2X4's but, if I could replace him tomorrow with someone who would love me and the kids and take care of us financially, I would.


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
mkr543
Member
Member # 12867
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

I guess I'm fortunate that I only have myself (and my little dog) to worry about.

What I really meant by that was: I guess it's fortunate that I only have myself (and my little dog) to worry about.


Me:BS - 38
Him: FWH - 44
d-day: November 12, 2006

Too long a sacrifice can make stone of the heart. -William Butler Yeats


Posts: 1838 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: New England
once proud wife
Member
Member # 12706
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

Being a spineless chicken, I didn't insist on STD testing for my WH (as if he would have gone anyway) and have had unprotected sex with him over the last several months. My annual well-woman exam is due and I am wondering if I need to alert them in advance of my visit that I would like testing for common symptom-less STDs as a result of my WH's A. Also, do I need to specify the STDs? How is this supposed to work? Thanks. Glad we have a women's only board.


Me: BW (33)
Him: WH (34)
Together 17 years, married 5
Discovery started in late Aug '06 with major revelation mid Oct '06.
New DDay, new OW, mostly EA - 3/2/2008 (later figured out there were more women before we M)
Currently - still M

Posts: 737 | Registered: Nov 2006
Ivette
Member
Member # 6884
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

I feel so betrayed this morning when I was brushing my teeth looking in the mirror I ask myself why do I still deal with my stbxh. I am so hurt he destroyed me. He's cheated on me 3 times as far as I know. From the beginning of this marriage he was cheating on me and I took because I was sacred to be alone and to raise my daughter being a single parent. Know my daughter says to me you should left her dad along time ago. I said I'm sorry I didn't I should of. The other reason I don't know who my father is I was raised by my stepfather. I don't know what fatherly love is. I didn't want her to go thru that but know she is thats the sad part. I'm just so tired of the hurt daughter and I are going thru because of this infidelty.

Know he regrets it tells me he loves me so much. That he's not giving me the divorce that he won't find another woman like me why know. Because I'm the better person when he was without food and money he's a truck driver I sent him money because he didn't dare ask ow money that was his. I did it because I wouldn't let anyone starve.

I told him now you wake up or are you still sleeping when he said about not divorceing me.

Why is he realizing know what he's done and doing.

[This message edited by Ivette at 4:57 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]


Rather have no company than bad company.

Posts: 1810 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Massachusetts
stillhurting1
Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

{HI}!!

May I join? Not that I really want to be a member, but hey, you gals seem rather nice!

Why cant we have beer and whiskey too?

I'm not on the verge of leaving, but lately I wonder if it wouldnt just be easier to and will I *EVER* get over this??


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
stillhurting1
Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

Once proud...

Before D-day I came down with BV. While I was humilated, I did ask my Gyno to test me for it all.

I didnt share the A knowledge (b/c at the time I really had no 100% proof) w/the Dr..but I did tell her I wasnt sure if my H has been faithful.
SHE then ordered all the tests.
Do it. You owe yourself that.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

Once proud - when you make the appointment for your yearly, just tell them you wanted to be tested for anything and everything sexually transmitted.

Just to forewarn you, it is a humiliating thing to have to go through. To actually hear the words come out of your own mouth is horrid.

When i went for my testing, I cried the whole way there, I couldn't sit in the waiting room because I was sobbing, and I cried through the whole exam.

Hugs to you.


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

Ivette - i know exactly how you feel. I'm scared to death to be alone and be a single parent to my three boys.

But, at the same time, I know I *have* to.

There's nothing that says you have to throw him out tomorrow. If it's what you truly want, work out a plan and carry it through. It doesn't matter how long it takes.

Hugs to you.


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

stillhurting - I'm drinking whiskey as we speak.

Jack and coke to be exact. My drink of choice lately.


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
PlayItForward
Member
Member # 13995
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

Hey everyone. Count me in.

In R but struggling. Remorseful, but non-communicative WS, presumably formerly so, but who knows?


Me-53
FWH-56
Married 29 years
D-Day - October, 2005
LTA - 5 years; discovered by teenage son...oh yeah...
R - since 1/06...we're just playing the recovery forward as far as it will go.


Posts: 297 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: The Heart of Dixie
lra90
Member
Member # 9281
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)


Posts: 18129 | Registered: Jan 2006
baltimore
Member
Member # 13766
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 5th (Thursday)

Wow, another place I belong....


Posts: 392 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: baltimore
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, April 5th (Thursday)

Sad, ain't it Baltimore?


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
mkr543
Member
Member # 12867
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, April 5th (Thursday)

ok, I know it's still morning, but how about I make us some nice Mango Martinis?? With umbrellas!!

For those of you that don't or can't drink....cheesecake!


Me:BS - 38
Him: FWH - 44
d-day: November 12, 2006

Too long a sacrifice can make stone of the heart. -William Butler Yeats


Posts: 1838 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: New England
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, April 5th (Thursday)

I'll take one and keep 'em coming.

I'm having a crap day.


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
mkr543
Member
Member # 12867
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, April 5th (Thursday)

What's wrong, madseason? Anything specific or just everything??


Me:BS - 38
Him: FWH - 44
d-day: November 12, 2006

Too long a sacrifice can make stone of the heart. -William Butler Yeats


Posts: 1838 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: New England
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, April 5th (Thursday)

See my post in General for the specifics.

I'm having one of those days where I am reading in the divorce forum just to remind myself of why I don't want to kick his sorry ass out of the house tonight.


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
mkr543
Member
Member # 12867
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

My H won't "talk" to me unless he's drunk off his ass, and then I'm told how he's so sorry he's treated me like such shit and I'm so wonderful, just the best, yadda yadda. Sometimes he drunkenly informs me that HE'S not so bad himself.

Or if something happens and one of us "flips out" and there's "drama", then he'll talk about "things" in the aftermath. I hate drama! If I want some drama, there's Lifetime TV and I have Netflix. I don't fucking need it from my husband!

Other than that he has nothing to say about the A or about what's going on with us.

He's such a nutcase all of a sudden.


Me:BS - 38
Him: FWH - 44
d-day: November 12, 2006

Too long a sacrifice can make stone of the heart. -William Butler Yeats


Posts: 1838 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: New England
CluelessBlonde
Member
Member # 13933
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

MKR, I hear you! What is it with the whole uncommunicative thing? All I got was, "I'm sorry, I can't believe I hurt you so much, I love you madly." but when I wanted to discuss specifics, he wanted no part of that. It was only when I couldn't take it any more and blew up that he'd finally talk. But even then, nothing was ever resolved. I felt like I was starring in Groundhog Day, caught in a never-ending loop of drama. Aaaahhhhhhh!!!!! Just shoot me now!

Or even better, just shoot HIM now!


If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.

If you eat a live toad first thing in the morning, nothing worse can happen for the rest of the day.


Posts: 24947 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: NYC area
foreverchanged
Member
Member # 11895
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

Hi everyone. I think we should have margaritas over here. Maybe with a tequila shooter once in awhile.

Hope I can hang out with all of you. We are working on R, and after a year, he's starting to finally "get it". We've actually gone a whole week without fighting - of course, he's been out of town for four days

It's so weird tho, yesterday I just started crying for no reason and couldn't stop. Does the pain ever end???


Me-BS 54yrs
WH-53yrs
Married 14yrs
Working on R
Dday - Sept 16, 2005
My H used an ugly skank whore with fake boobs and no morals to help him thru his mid-life crisis.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: CA
mkr543
Member
Member # 12867
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

After a year? He's "starting"? Oh good Lord, I can't hang on that long on a "what if". Five months and I've reached the end of my rope with his bullshit.


Me:BS - 38
Him: FWH - 44
d-day: November 12, 2006

Too long a sacrifice can make stone of the heart. -William Butler Yeats


Posts: 1838 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: New England
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

I'm back. I've been taking out my aggressions on my kitchen cabinets.

They have this crappy "facing" stuff on them that is starting to peel off in some spots so I've been in there just tearing it off.


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
foreverchanged
Member
Member # 11895
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

mkr
I probably didn't explain it right. His A has been over for 1.5 yrs, and although he was trying in his way, it wasn't nearly good enough and it has taken a long time for him to truly "get" what it will take to help me heal.

We have been in MC the whole time, but he is very analytical and shows little emotion. He has finally realized that if he doesn't do the work, I'm outta here.

So that's what I meant by "get it". I think if we expect a "quick fix", we are only fooling ourselves.


Me-BS 54yrs
WH-53yrs
Married 14yrs
Working on R
Dday - Sept 16, 2005
My H used an ugly skank whore with fake boobs and no morals to help him thru his mid-life crisis.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: CA
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

I hear you on the "drama", mkr. I'm over it.

My H will talk about specifics and answer whatever questions I ask but, with all the lies that i have caught him in, I found I was never believing the answers. So, I quit asking.

forever - I will think of you tomorrow when I go out for Mexican with my friend. We will be having many margaritas. We were supposed to be going to see "Premonition" but now we have to go to a viewing instead. H better hope I drink enough to pass out before I can inflict bodily harm on him.

How do you not go nuts with your H being out of town?? All travel has been banned for my H since the A. It's not worth the stress for me. If I can't physically see him, I don't trust him.


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
mkr543
Member
Member # 12867
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

My H will talk about specifics and answer whatever questions I ask but, with all the lies that i have caught him in, I found I was never believing the answers. So, I quit asking.

H told me last night that he was going to a political fundraiser tonight and I made the mistake of asking who it was for. I mean, I don't really give a shit because no matter what I ask, what I say or do, or where and when I check up on him, if he wants to call or see the OW or any other woman behind my back, he will. The trust is GONE and it's not coming back with the attitiude he has, so whay should I bother asking OR caring??

And his answer? Ralph Kramden!

He then mumbled something about who it was really for, but I couldn't help but feel he was making it all up and then gave me a fake answer to stall for time.

The sad part is that a year ago, if he'd said that, I'd have laughed and told him to tell Norton I said hi.


Me:BS - 38
Him: FWH - 44
d-day: November 12, 2006

Too long a sacrifice can make stone of the heart. -William Butler Yeats


Posts: 1838 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: New England
foreverchanged
Member
Member # 11895
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

How do you not go nuts with your H being out of town?? All travel has been banned for my H since the A. It's not worth the stress for me. If I can't physically see him, I don't trust him

We don't have any choice about the travel - it is part of his job.

He calls me ALL the time while he is gone and the bottom line is that if he decides to cheat again, then he knows the consequences.

His life, as he knows it, will be over and he likes things the way they are now.


Me-BS 54yrs
WH-53yrs
Married 14yrs
Working on R
Dday - Sept 16, 2005
My H used an ugly skank whore with fake boobs and no morals to help him thru his mid-life crisis.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: CA
Elektra
Member
Member # 13326
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

Count me in! I'm hanging on for dear life on this roller coaster.

I'm learning to accept the ambiguities of life....... Are we in R yet?!? Or will it be D?

I'm gathering courage to push H off that fence.


Divorced in 2010


Posts: 148 | Registered: Jan 2007
mkr543
Member
Member # 12867
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

Elektra-
Why is your H on the fence? Just curious. Is it because of the OW?


Me:BS - 38
Him: FWH - 44
d-day: November 12, 2006

Too long a sacrifice can make stone of the heart. -William Butler Yeats


Posts: 1838 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: New England
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

Ralph Kramden??!!??

forever - H was supposed to go on a business trip (with the OW) the week after our 1st d-day. I told him that either he could get out of the trip or I would be more than happy to explain to his boss why he couldn't go.

Then I told him to get his ass busy finding a new job that didn't require travel. Of course, finding a new job was necessary anyway because OW was a coworker and I wasn't having it.


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
stillhurting1
Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

Someone have a margarita for me please? I'm 3 weeks from delivering my baby boy.
Or to hell with it, should I just get out the blender and go to town??? Sounds good right about now.

Count me into the group w/the noncommunicative H.
And how much do I hate to hear "you are the one doing this to yourself. Get over it".
He hasnt said that lately, but last time we had an in depth convo about the A, thats what he said and then had the gall to say if I dont get over it, HE will leave.

OMG. Sometimes I dream of hurting him the same way he hurt me..but I would never. I've got too much class for that. Plus the fact, that I still love him!


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
foreverchanged
Member
Member # 11895
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

Stillhurting

We will have Margaritas to toast your upcoming beautiful baby boy!!


Me-BS 54yrs
WH-53yrs
Married 14yrs
Working on R
Dday - Sept 16, 2005
My H used an ugly skank whore with fake boobs and no morals to help him thru his mid-life crisis.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: CA
Ole Restart
Member
Member # 3434
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 6th (Friday)

Hello, Friends! I do hope that, as a Formerly betrayed wife, I can lend some hope and assistance????

Life isn't perfect, nobody but Him is perfect; and therefore, marriage "ain't gonna be perfect" (never was, we just didn't know it)!!! Our lives are good, now. I have more happy days than sad ones. Let me explain that I am a 'care-giver' as well as a wife and step-mom to 4, grandma to one 25 yr. old. I'm loved and respected by my step-kids which is all that I can ask of anybody!

The mere fact that I'm even on these forums is because I want so much to bring solace, peace, assistance, hope, and encouragement to the thousands of souls who've found themselves on this website through no fault of their own; or for those who were at fault, but want more than anything to repair their marriages!!!

It's sadder than sad to realize how 'across the board' infidelity is, these days!!!!! If I can help any of you, or many of you, feel free to PM me; I'll do my best to instill hope and guide you into the type of thinking that leads to reconciliation. Not all marriages can survive infidelity, I know that! However, there is a large percentage that do!!!!

My best advice: don't make any life-altering decisions for about a year. Seek counseling, even if it's just for YOU, and you, only!! I wish that I had, earlier than I did. Get a good IC or MC; they're worth their 'weight in gold', if they have experience with infidelity, esp.!!!

God bless all of you, betrayed wives! You're NOT alone, we're here with you, 24/7!!!!! It does get better, honest, IN TIME!!!


Me: FBW, 63; He: FWH, 86.
Married: June 1, 1994.
Dday: 18 March, 2003.
Reconciled.

Posts: 12896 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Texas
once proud wife
Member
Member # 12706
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, April 6th (Friday)

Ole Restart - Thanks for staying around. And for the hope.


Me: BW (33)
Him: WH (34)
Together 17 years, married 5
Discovery started in late Aug '06 with major revelation mid Oct '06.
New DDay, new OW, mostly EA - 3/2/2008 (later figured out there were more women before we M)
Currently - still M

Posts: 737 | Registered: Nov 2006
once proud wife
Member
Member # 12706
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, April 6th (Friday)

Ole Restart - Thanks for staying around. And for the hope.


Me: BW (33)
Him: WH (34)
Together 17 years, married 5
Discovery started in late Aug '06 with major revelation mid Oct '06.
New DDay, new OW, mostly EA - 3/2/2008 (later figured out there were more women before we M)
Currently - still M

Posts: 737 | Registered: Nov 2006
stillhurting1
Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, April 6th (Friday)

Thanks Forever! I hope the margaritas were tasty!

[This message edited by stillhurting1 at 3:52 PM, April 6th (Friday)]


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
unknown_girl
Member
Member # 11800
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, April 6th (Friday)

i am a BW and would like to pop in from time to time. i am just coming up to my one year out. having kinda a rough time but making it through. i haven't been able to decide to R or not. any help would be great


dday may 2006
me: BS(28)
him: FWH andski(28)
DD:8

"Fairytales are more than true: not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us they can be beaten"


Posts: 555 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: indiana
Kittenfeet
Member
Member # 13807
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, April 6th (Friday)

I'm a BW and some days are better than others.. I filed for D on Jan 22, 2007 as a wake up call to my WH. I found out about the affair in Dec 2005 and WH moved out for about 2.5. Came back and from that time till the time I filed for D, I felt that he was still seeing the OW. Well the last time he left was on Jan 20 and moved in with OW. Over the last couple weeks he has been calling telling me he loves me, wants to make our marriage work, that he is moving into his own place and that he used her to have a way back and forth to work and court.
I'm so confused atm, wondering if I did make a hastey decision on filing for the D...I've been in IC for a little over a month and it helps alot. On AD and anxiety meds as well. One day I want him back so much then the next I think why to I want the man back that lied and cheated on me.
Sorry just rambling on and on. Do that around this time of night b/c meds have kicked in. Any advice, comments or 2X4's are welcomed


BS 47
WH 44
Married 17 years,
DDay 12/05
Filed for divorce 2/07put it off till the light went on in my head. Signed papers 11/26/08

Posts: 170 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Kentucky
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

I'm a BW. My first H cheated with prostitutes and anything else he could find until I'd had enough and divorced him.

My 2nd H cheated on me for two different time periods throughout 2006. (Same recurring whore as you can see by my tagline)

Now, we are in R and things are going well. I have this strange fear that I will trust him again, it seems like we have our lives back, we are looking forward to things, having fun again. I'm so scared it will come crashing down around me all over again! That is where I am right now.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 3:16 PM, April 7th (Saturday)]


Posts: 5580 | Registered: Apr 2006
flipper
Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, April 8th (Sunday)

*waves hi to all the ladies*

Just wondering if I'm such a doofus or if others have felt the same as me.

I have been to IC twice and both times left feeling 100 times worse then when I walked in. I think it makes me feel worse. I do speak openly and honestly to my FWH and feel I get more out of this.

Is this normal (or whatever passes as normal in our strange world)?

Thanks Girls

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
crazytimes
Member
Member # 9431
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, April 9th (Monday)

Hi Flipper (& everyone else)!
I haven't read the whole thread yet but wanted to get myself on the BW thread!
But, back to your question Flipper... About feeling worse after IC. Well, my 1st thought is that is it maybe bringing up issues for you that are making you feel uncomfortable but if you can go with it & push through the discomfort you'll be so much better off? Or maybe of course the person you've been seeing is just not the right one for you...
JM2cW


"Not all men are bastards, some of them are dead"
"Living well is the best revenge!"
"Better to have loved & lost than be stuck with the loser forever!"

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: New Zealand
jgiggles
Member
Member # 10305
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, April 9th (Monday)

Hello all. Nothing against you, but I really wish I didn't have to be here. But I'm glad that I have people who can truly understand what I'm going through.

Having a really tough time. It's been a year since the most potent DDay and I still struggle every day. This is not how I pictured our marriage being. I have absolutely no trust in my husband and don't think I ever will. I'm seriously considering divorce because I just can't picture myself continuing to live this way.


Posts: 569 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: PA
pebbles
Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, April 9th (Monday)

I hate rollercoasters. I was talked into going on one once and was scared to death.

Now I've been forced to ride this one and it makes me want to


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
stillhurting1
Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, April 9th (Monday)

Hi ladies.
No offense taken, this is not a group I really went looking for. But, I'm happy to know you now that I do find myself here.

{{KITTEN}}
I'm sorry for what you are going thru. I have heard that the D word often shocks them back into reality.
I would say, Actions speak louder than words.
Let him sweat it out and if he is indeed honest that he wants to work things out, then make him show you.

My H is great with talking...but terrible with actions. So I cant take his word for anything....but instead he needs to show me.


R is going well. No proof that xOW is still in picture even tho they now work together...which is often too much for me to handle, so I try not to think about.

And maybe I'm hormonal..but anyone else have a H who just isnt meeting your emotional needs?

I feel like I'm crying out for attention and love and to be cherished.
And my H, while not intentionally doing anything to make me feel otherwise, just isnt "giving me" that love that I need right now.

I feel like my love bank is damn near on empty and I just cant make him for the life of me, see that I'm dying inside.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
mkr543
Member
Member # 12867
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, April 9th (Monday)

I feel like my love bank is damn near on empty and I just cant make him for the life of me, see that I'm dying inside.

Ditto.

(((((stillhurting)))))


Me:BS - 38
Him: FWH - 44
d-day: November 12, 2006

Too long a sacrifice can make stone of the heart. -William Butler Yeats


Posts: 1838 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: New England
didwhat
Member
Member # 14163
Frustrated  Posted: 7:23 PM, April 9th (Monday)

Hi from another BW...over 50, married forever, never thought I'ld be here, etc...SO glad for all your thoughts.

My WH has been trying very hard to be honest, open, loving and giving both in talking and in action. He seems to be finally keeping NC. However, (there always seems to be that however )two things I thought all you gals might have some thoughts on.

1. In being honest to me he seems to find it necessary to tell me he still has "feelings" for or "misses" the OW. Is this part of fog? He says he never stopped loving me, just loved her also. OUCH I feel like I'm in the "Big Love" TV show.

2. The OW keeps trying to get to him AND me. She emails me cut and paste versions of old letters. Then long sorries. She calls his office and friends tring to leave messages. They all now know about the A(because she told them). They don't put through the calls(my WH's request), but it is still very awkward for them. We even changed his cell number(she was calling 6 times a day)and she got the new one from a wife of a business assoc. who didn't know about the affair. She came to our house on the 2nd DDay (the real one) and tried to break all our windows..really freaked out BOTH of us. Any advice on ow removal???

[This message edited by didwhat at 7:37 PM, April 9th (Monday)]


first do no harm
me BS/54
him WH/53
Married 26yrs
Together 30 yrs
1 grown son

Posts: 610 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: calif
didwhat
Member
Member # 14163
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, April 9th (Monday)

sorry about the typos and spelling...not quite myself these days


first do no harm
me BS/54
him WH/53
Married 26yrs
Together 30 yrs
1 grown son

Posts: 610 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: calif
NowIKnow
Member
Member # 13999
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, April 9th (Monday)

I just wanted to say hello. My goodness the betrayed men thread is buzzing over there. I'm 3 weeks out from d-day and I'm just so exhausted. I can literally feel the sagging around my eyes. It hurts to smile and I'm finding it difficult to enjoy things I used to enjoy but I keep doing them anyway hoping if I keep at it I'll feel something. Oh, and I'm tired of having to respond "I'm doing well" or "I'm fine" to the "How are you?" question from co-workers and store clerks. It's a lie and sometimes I do smile (inside) thinking about what it would be like to respond with the truth. I'd never do it though.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Mar 2007
flipper
Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, April 10th (Tuesday)

Crazytimes,

Thanks !!

I think there is a lot of truth in what you say.


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
spring
New Member
Member # 13837
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, April 10th (Tuesday)

Hi guys, read the book 'The Secret', there are some awesome strategies for dealing with this. My life has taken a big positive step forward, still a way to go but the roller coaster is slowing down and definitely getting more stable. WH is worried because he realises I may make him sell our business and pay me out. This business is his passion all of a sudden his move to find that'thrill' is starting to take on a new meeting. The 'thrill' I get when I see his panic is all worthwhile. What goes round comes round!

DDay for me was early Nov 06, so i reckon I'm doing well. WH doing his own thing, so fine, I'm working on doing mine. Friends ask would you have him back????? Right now no way!!


Me - 46
WH - 44
D Mth - 11/06

Posts: 25 | Registered: Mar 2007
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)

Hi all... I'm a bit late joining, but here I am.

Flipper, my counselor said during the course of therapy, I'll hit a point where I'll feel 100 times worse than when I first walked in the door due to finally dealing with all the crap I've been shoving to the side. She then said after that point, people usually accelerate quickly into feeling better than ever once they've gotten rid of all the clutter in their heads and hearts.

Could that be what's happening for you?

Hugs to all,

WB


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15280 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Just a Cali girl
mlpw62
Member
Member # 12579
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, April 11th (Wednesday)

Hi all... just joining.. It is still amazing to me how similar we all feel no matter what the situation, how absolutely devestating an A (or A's) are. If I answered everyone on here that I could relate to this would be a very long post! But, a few that really hit home with me:

woman_scorned, limbo land is exactly what it feels like to me. Some days I want nothing more than to successfully R, other days I don't want to live with this anymore, so I am in limbo! My counselor told me he is afraid I am going to "straddle the fence".. stay because I do love him and want this to work, but on the other side, never be able to let it go or be completely happy because I can't seem to forgive.

browneyedgrl, this is probably one of my biggest hurts. I have told him I feel "disposable." Like you said, easily replaced. Not a good feeling.

Renee, I asked him for a time limit the other day, and he says he isn't comfortable with a time limit. Has anyone else done this? I mean, how long do you go on in limbo land? Like jgiggles, I can't picture myself living this way forever, and I don't see it ending most days. It has been 9 months since D-day #1 and I think i feel worse, not better.

Just some of my thoughts.. ((((everyone))))))


BS (me) 50 WS 49
Three children, 22, 12, and 10
Married for almost 24 years.
Dday #1- June 19, 2006
Dday #2- Aug. 1, 2006 (found out they were still in contact)

Posts: 136 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Montana
mlpw62
Member
Member # 12579
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 11th (Wednesday)

Okay, I took a mental-health day off from work today, so since I have a little time, I have some questions..

This last and most serious A was with a woman 10 years younger than me. Now, every time I look in the mirror, that is all I can think about. It really bothers me. It is very, very hard on my self-esteem. Anyone else struggle with this?

I have tons of emails from the two of them, that is how I caught them.. (she isn't the brightest bulb of the bunch, obviously, sent it to all of his email addresses, even his home one) but, the hardest thing in them is all the "love" and "soulmate" talk, and "never thought I could love another woman the way I love you" crap. "Want to spend the rest of my life with you" and the obvious planning for a future together. This bothers me more than the sex! Although, with their emails, they might as well have been having sex all along.. she should get a 900 number, she could make some good money. The emotional side of it is so much worse for me than the physical. which leads me to...

WHY am I good enough now? I don't feel good enough. I am the same (although a bit broken) person I was when he was thinking of leaving. So why ME now? I think I will always feel second place, a consolation prize. Even though he says everything to the contrary. Will this ever go away? I will NEVER get the emails out of my head, nor do I see how I can ever think about them without them cutting so deep. Is the emotional part harder for most us women?



BS (me) 50 WS 49
Three children, 22, 12, and 10
Married for almost 24 years.
Dday #1- June 19, 2006
Dday #2- Aug. 1, 2006 (found out they were still in contact)

Posts: 136 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Montana
didwhat
Member
Member # 14163
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)

I felt the same way as you. The emotion connection was much harder to take. But then I stepped back. I decided not to focus on my WH or the Affair, but on me. (good IC helps) I realized that I can not undo the past, fix him, fix ow, fix any thing but me. So now I spend my time thinking, what do I want, what are my rules, what is okay for me. Sounds selfish, but has really made me muuuuch happier. I also thought a time limit would be good at first. Now I think, forget his time limit set my own. I will stay only as long as I think I'm okay. I thought I do not lie and cheat on him nor do I think its okay for him to do it to me. If he can't or won't change, I won't stay. I deserve better. It is not okay that a single woman should sleep with my H. She is garbage, I'm not. If he wants garbage I don't want him. My rules. I have choice, I have worth, I have a life that is mine to live. This may all seem cold, but it finally got all those emails out of my head, because I decided to delete them. I don't want her in my head. Think about yourself not WS or OW and you may just find you are so worth it.

[This message edited by didwhat at 2:09 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)]


first do no harm
me BS/54
him WH/53
Married 26yrs
Together 30 yrs
1 grown son

Posts: 610 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: calif
stillhurting1
Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)

{DIDWHAT}
Is your H actively trying to R and has maintained N/C w/the OW?

If so, then it seems to me its time to threaten her w/harrassment charges.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
BelleStar
Member
Member # 13515
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)

Hi all and wish we weren't here, but I'm glad to have company in my misery,

Not only am I a BW (now D) but I picked a real winner for a BF and now I'm a BGF trying to R with BF and I just don't know when this hell ride is going to stop...


Posts: 1106 | Registered: Feb 2007
Ibelieveinme
Member
Member # 11363
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)

I'm here too. I guess I am having a bad week as well. Just one of those weeks.




Posts: 1835 | Registered: Jul 2006
didwhat
Member
Member # 14163
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)

stillhurting1...

Yes, he is trying very hard to R. And as far as I can tell has not contacted her. I did look into a restraining order as she has come onto our property...put cold cream on his car recently..and tried to break our windows after she got his NC email. (see profile..finally wrote one) Unfortunately its not so easy to get one. We did block or delete all the email accounts we could. The hard part is she was our friend for 8 years and knows many of our friend..some of whom don't know about the affair thus they give her information like the new cell number without thinking anything of it. She is very unstable. Also uses alot of emotional blackmail on people.


first do no harm
me BS/54
him WH/53
Married 26yrs
Together 30 yrs
1 grown son

Posts: 610 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: calif
stillhurting1
Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)

didwhat.
How awful. I'm sorry you have to deal with her. She sounds very unstable.

Have you considered telling your mutual friends, so they can at least stop helping feed her addiction?
Exposure often does wonders, but I understand if you want to keep it under wraps. A's are very personal.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
Layla
Member
Member # 11880
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)

I don't want to belong to this club (who does really?), but here I am wondering how I made it this far without completely falling apart.

I discovered my H's A through cell phone bills and since then my life has been a freaking vomit inducing roller coaster. Every time I think I'm doing okay, something triggers me and I go back to almost square one. Freaking pathetic this A stuff is. Cruel really.


Me--BS
Him--WS
Dday 06
Married 11 years, one son (the love of my life.)

I'm Done


Posts: 104 | Registered: Aug 2006
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, April 12th (Thursday)

Sadly, that's the way it goes. Just when you think the ride is over, it throws you for another loop.

I've done the same - looked back and wondered how I made it so long without losing my mind. I have no idea how I did it, outside of the best best friend in the world.

(((Layla)))


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15280 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Just a Cali girl
goodenuf
Member
Member # 13965
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, April 12th (Thursday)

This last and most serious A was with a woman 10 years younger than me. Now, every time I look in the mirror, that is all I can think about. It really bothers me. It is very, very hard on my self-esteem. Anyone else struggle with this?

Every day! My OW is 22 years younger than me and 26 years younger than my H...AND he has often said that the PA with her was a "real boost to his ego" because of her young age.

AND on top of that, her "girls" are way bigger than mine...saggy, but bigger, and my H is a boob man.
I try not to make comparisons, because when I do, I usually come up way short, but it's so hard not to think that way, and I do feel I'm the consolation prize...that it's easier for him to stay with me than to go through another D.
My H is trying, but with his history of strokes, he is often emotionally unavailable to me, he isn't able to remember a lot of things about the A, which leaves me hanging on a lot of questions.
Like all of us here, I've only wanted to feel special to my H...now I feel like I'm no different than just any other woman, I feel so disposable. The mental images are still so strong and at times seem to have more of an impact than even when I first found out.


BS:Me
FWS:Him
First DDay:Oct 2005 --
last Dday: Oct 2006
R ??? a work in progress

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.


Posts: 1569 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Northern Bluegrass
SuzyCC
Member
Member # 9425
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 12th (Thursday)

Is it too late for me to sign up?

I could join the Depression thread...

the Infidelity while Ill thread...

The Sexually Abused thread...

The Multiple Affairs thread...

The Spouse works with AP thread...

The Double betrayal thread...

probably the Sex Addicts thread...

and most definitely the Depression thread!

WHEW! That IS depressing!

I like the looks of this place though, so if it's okay, I think I'll pull up a chair.

Here's my story...

H and I were married very young--I was 17, he was 18.

We both come from families with two alcoholic parents.

Both of us were abused.

H was terribly neglected also.

His parents divorced (because of cheating and domestic violence) when H was 10.

His mom died when he was 15.

We each had so much baggage that it's a miracle that we could function at all.

H started cheating about three years into the M, but I didn't find out until years later--after we had three children.

(I never caught him red-handed--always found out long after the fact)

When he started confessing, about 10 years into the M, he confessed to ONE ONS. Within the next few years, we had another child and H confessed to many more ONSs and short term As.

We spent over a year in counseling. H made huge changes. I thought we were recovering pretty well.

Fast forward another 10 years and he did it again--a midlife crisis affair with a younger woman at work.

The OW was 12 years younger than my H and 12 years older than our oldest son.

She had a thing with our son too.

Our son didn't know about OW and his dad, but H knew about OW and son, and it didn't matter to him--he wanted her that badly.

I knew this time (a gut feeling--no concrete proof), but H wouldn't admit it.

He lied about it for five years before he finally started talking.

We are five years past this last D-day (there have been little d-days, working out details and clearing up all of the lies he told)

We are fairly well reconciled, though things about all of it still eat at me.

I have never told my entire story here before, but this place feels safe.

H and I have been through almost everything.

Maybe I can help someone else.

anyways, thanks for listening...thanks for being a safe place.



Me...BW, Him...FWH
Married almost 35 years.
"New lovers seek perfection. Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together and of seeing beauty in a multiplicity of patches."

Posts: 578 | Registered: Jan 2006
Layla
Member
Member # 11880
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, April 12th (Thursday)

I hate the comparisons I make between myself and OW. Heck, she could be a toad for all I know because I've never seen her, but my husband managed to describe as this hot number who could have any guy she wanted, so in my mind I CANT compare to her, she is a fucking supermodel!


Me--BS
Him--WS
Dday 06
Married 11 years, one son (the love of my life.)

I'm Done


Posts: 104 | Registered: Aug 2006
didwhat
Member
Member # 14163
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 12th (Thursday)

SuzyCC
ouch. Lot of pain. Have you tried Alanon. My H and I are also CoA. I my case lots of abuse and violence growing up. I thought I was over it all, but this affair brought it all back. In talking all this through with my H he confessed he had tried cheating before, but the women were always friends of mine and blew him off. Sort of a pattern? I see it as, he had no limits for himself, so he let the women decide for him. Of couse at some point one friend said yes and here I am on SI. Says a lot to me about his choices..having a safety net mostly..then when that net was gone..what a mess. Says a lot to me too also about the OW. In my case what kind of woman sleeps with her friend's H in her home no less??? In your case wow...OW knew what she was doing..what kind of person is okay with father and son?? One thing I got from Alanon is how we repeat the patterns of childhood, for no other reason then it is familiar, and most of our friends have the same past. Lots in common? Now,I think no matter what happens with my marrriage...new motto.."no more abuse for me thank you very much".


first do no harm
me BS/54
him WH/53
Married 26yrs
Together 30 yrs
1 grown son

Posts: 610 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: calif
Autumn leaf
Member
Member # 13987
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, April 12th (Thursday)

Hi, Jumping aboard here, I am also in the double betrayal category.
We trying to R and although my H is maintaining NC and is willing to answer my questions and help me through my triggers, he just will not talk about the A unless I initiate the conversation. It really hurts that he wont address it on his own. And i know that love cant be bought, but it makes me really sad that the last time he gave me flowers was on our 5th wedding anniversary and we have been married 17 years. Now I get a card if I'm lucky I tell him I dont want anything because I get tired of him asking me every year what I want.


Me: BS 41
Husband: WS 38
OW:now ex-friend 49 deceased
D-Day #1 02-10-2007
D-Day #2 when he fessed up who he was really with: 02-18-2007
Started reconciliation 2/25/2007

Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Massachusetts
SuzyCC
Member
Member # 9425
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, April 12th (Thursday)

Didwhat...

No, we haven't tried alanon, but while we were in counseling years ago, we did attend some ACAP (adult children of alcoholic parent) meetings.

They helped us tremendously.

Before that, we had both felt so isolated I think. Attending those meetings and hearing others tell their stories was like having someone open up the pages to our own stories. It probably did us as much good as the year of counseling.

We have come a long, long way.

I know that people read MY story and wonder why in this world would I stay with such a man.

The thing is, he is not a monster. He is a wonderful father...a great companion...a hard worker and good provider...he makes me laugh and I truely believe that we really do love one another.

He was broken inside.

I was too.

Even five years post D-day, I can't say that we are fully healed, but we ARe healing.

It has taken lots of time and lots of work.

There are (still) days when I want to strangle him and (still) days when I die inside, but all in all we are getting better.

Maybe we will always be a work in progress.

[This message edited by SuzyCC at 1:58 PM, April 12th (Thursday)]


Me...BW, Him...FWH
Married almost 35 years.
"New lovers seek perfection. Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together and of seeing beauty in a multiplicity of patches."

Posts: 578 | Registered: Jan 2006
didwhat
Member
Member # 14163
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, April 12th (Thursday)

Why people stay together seems to have more to do with what's good than what's bad, seems to me anyway. As for ACAP, I've been told its a lot more intense than alanon. Our friends suggusted alanon to us as it deals more with the here and now instead of the past damage our parents created. I don't buy into all of it, but it does help sometimes (just like SI) to know you're not alone. Also, helps me tons to see people who have healed and moved on in life. Plus its free, can't beat that.


first do no harm
me BS/54
him WH/53
Married 26yrs
Together 30 yrs
1 grown son

Posts: 610 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: calif
25wimsey
Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, April 12th (Thursday)

Late joining, but I belong here, too. LTA, OC, and over 55 (never too old for an A it seems). Twenty months out or so, doing okay, can't have total NC cuz of child, but we're across the continent now so I don't obsess about physical connections. Bad enough with the phone contacts over kid.

R is going okay, H is remorseful but lately very depressed over all that's been ruined, so that's hard. And I don't think I'll ever get over the feeling of being the "logical choice" afte d-day, feeling like a consolation prize, and feeling old (she's 15 years younger). This wasn't my idea of how a M should be, when going towards retirement age!


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
25wimsey
Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, April 12th (Thursday)

Late joining, but I belong here, too. LTA, OC, and over 55 (never too old for an A it seems). Twenty months out or so, doing okay, can't have total NC cuz of child, but we're across the continent now so I don't obsess about physical connections. Bad enough with the phone contacts over kid.

R is going okay, H is remorseful but lately very depressed over all that's been ruined, so that's hard. And I don't think I'll ever get over the feeling of being the "logical choice" afte d-day, feeling like a consolation prize, and feeling old (she's 15 years younger). This wasn't my idea of how a M should be, when going towards retirement age!


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
mer1ins
Member
Member # 11607
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, April 12th (Thursday)

Me too. I'm a year, a month and a week out from D-Day. I'm doing better...not nearly as emotional or as depressed thanks to AD's but I still can't get my mind around the fact that my husband of 28 years is living with someone else.

Maybe what I need is another drink...can't hurt.


The truth may set you free, but first it will shatter the safe, sweet way you live - Sue Monk Kidd

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. (Rabbi Julius Gordon)

BH/WH - 51
FWW/BW - 54


Posts: 1225 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: FL
Brokenheart0306
New Member
Member # 13985
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, April 13th (Friday)

I am just feeling very lost and sad tonight. My WH is very distant and weird lately. I didn't know where else to post this and it really is just a thought and feeling at the moment. I am lonely and sad and working with no one to talk too. I have no one to talk to about any of this. I am just a rambling right now, but my heart is such a mess and my brain is so screwy, I trust none of my thoughts. Shit, I give up trying. It just hurts so damn bad anymore and I just wonder why I keep going.


"Don't walk in the sun, if your head is made of wax."

Posts: 26 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: AZ
once proud wife
Member
Member # 12706
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, April 13th (Friday)

(((brokenheart))) I am sorry you are feeling down. For both of us, I hope these down days are just part of the rollercoaster.


Me: BW (33)
Him: WH (34)
Together 17 years, married 5
Discovery started in late Aug '06 with major revelation mid Oct '06.
New DDay, new OW, mostly EA - 3/2/2008 (later figured out there were more women before we M)
Currently - still M

Posts: 737 | Registered: Nov 2006
stillhurting1
Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 13th (Friday)

Betrayed Men are on page 26 already! Wow.

Who knew men would actually TALK. Its like trying to turn water into wine to get my H to open up.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
stillhurting1
Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, April 13th (Friday)

Suzy,
OUCH is right. OW sounds like a sick B! I rarely use the B word, but danggit..she makes ME angry.
Both your H AND your Son?
OMG... I cant even imagine.

how is your son holding up?
I dont know about you, but this whole A business just makes me want to Barf.
Why does life have to be so dang ugly sometimes.

I sometimes wish I had rose colored glasses for life....

My H is only 33 right now...I'm really worried about midlife crisis and him having another A.
That would devastate me.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
up&down
Member
Member # 10098
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, April 17th (Tuesday)

Well, better late than never, I'm here too!

If you want the in depth version, go to my profile, but here are some highlights...

FWH had sex with a girl he met at one of his stops...He was 50 at the time, she was 38, I was 43. Most of the damage was done after D-day...he continued seeing her for 3 weeks, was telling her he loved her, and continued working for this comapny for 10 months, (refused to even look for another job) His excuse for continuing to see her was he was looking for a way out...He had already called her the night he came home and told her, He was at home, it was over, and we were working it out!!!! For me the way out was already estabished, HE was Married, and it should have never happened to begin with, but that wasn't good enough for him. Months later he admitted that

"I just couldn't let her go"
.

After months of him being defensive and arrogant at some points, and then being reassuring and compassionate at others, he finally had to quit that job, and I think that was the turning point for us. We are now in MC, and he is doing most all the right things, and is very understanding for the most part. Some things I can't seem to get past, but I don't discuss them with him, Yet, I don't want to tear down what we have built to this point.

In my tag line you will see that this was actually the 4th woman he had been with, but I don't even consider the other 3, This one had the potential to destroy us both though. There is a story behind the other 3, and I've come to terms with them, and have moved on. But with this one, I'm having a lot more difficult time.


BS-ME,45;FWS-52,OW-39
D-day Nov.24 2005 M-13 together-18
He left that morning(went to his mom's) and came back home Friday night, at which time he admitted to 3 PA (nearly 10 yrs ago), In addition to this one

Posts: 547 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Tennessee
Cant breath
Member
Member # 13819
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, April 18th (Wednesday)

Ok Iam really late but love being fashionably late to everything.
I was reading the threads and I to belong to alot of them but how do you ever choose. I know we all hate to belong to any of this but we are here together.

You can read my profile but here is a brief summary

Married age 18
been married 18 years
Found out about his PA 1/14/2007 said it was only twice but that was enough she was pregnant. Ow works in one of the building he has to go to every other day. Cant change that. She got rid of the baby on my 18 year wedding anniversary (aint that special)
My husband says he had his A because I gained weight and he did not find me attractive ASSHOLE Feeling like crap half the time and then the other half I could rule the world. Iam better then both of them we all are better then our WS.
HUGS to everyone in here I wish I could make all the hurt go away for everyone but we can always be here for each other.
On top of everything else I have to think about my 16 just got her license fun fun. Anyone have any advice on that one?


Insist on yourself. Never Imitate
Ralph Waldo Emerson
The searching-out and thorough investigation of truth ought to be the primary study of Man. Cicero
DDay 1/14/2007
married 18years
me 36
h 39
2 beautiful children
high school sweetharts

Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Ohio
stillhurting1
Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, April 19th (Thursday)

ladies,
icky question to ask you..

does your H ever leave semen stains in his undies?

I currently found 2 in his laundry basket...w/stains. Not a lot..but enough.

Pre-A I never really noticed or looked before, but they always seemed to be stain free.

I'm triggering badly about this and there are other things, his actions this week for one, which are making me wonder if he is up to something again.

oh, and the semen wouldnt be from US having sex...he hasnt touched me for 3 months now.
I'm due w/our son in 10days.


thoughts? Should I assume he is no longer an X WH?

[This message edited by stillhurting1 at 3:26 PM, April 19th (Thursday)]


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
flipper
Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, April 19th (Thursday)

stillhurting1,

My FWH has never left semen stains in his underwear.

Seeing as it's not from sex with you, could it be from masturbation? I hope so for your sake.

((hugs))


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
stillhurting1
Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, April 19th (Thursday)

Thanks Flipper.
I dont know what to think. Had it not been for some strange behavior the day he wore those undies, I would totally assume masterbation. But now I dont think it was. Where did he do it? Because if I recall correctly he got up before me in the morning and took his shower first...leaving the undies on the floor of our room before showering. Wish I would have checked them at that time but I forgot.
{shrugs}

[This message edited by stillhurting1 at 8:18 PM, April 19th (Thursday)]


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
flipper
Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, April 19th (Thursday)

stillhurting,

sorry you are in this position. Hope it turns out to be Mrs Palmer and her five daughters.

It sucks that we have to be so suspicious and always looking for clues


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
bambam1970
New Member
Member # 14022
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, April 22nd (Sunday)

Hey girls! Thought I'd join in! The men are really chatting it up!! My H and I have been separated 5 months, tried R, but he wouldn't commit. I picked myself up and am moving forward - doing the 180! It is helping me and kind of driving him crazy (he's already crazy enough!!) I am buying a house and fixing it up and went looking at some kitchen stuff today! That was fun! Anyway, just wanted to say "Halla!!"


Me - BS, 36
Him- WH, 36

Working on me and moving forward


Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: West Coast
Cant breath
Member
Member # 13819
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 24th (Tuesday)

stillhurting1
I know actually what you mean about the stains. My H has had a vascetomy and after that he has left stains says it is hard to control now since it has been cut. hahahaha should have cut it off. I just wish I could remember which underwear he had on that day he sleep with that whore. Not only were his stains in them but hers also little bitch. And I washed them, picked them up with me hands and washed them. I hate him for this


Insist on yourself. Never Imitate
Ralph Waldo Emerson
The searching-out and thorough investigation of truth ought to be the primary study of Man. Cicero
DDay 1/14/2007
married 18years
me 36
h 39
2 beautiful children
high school sweetharts

Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Ohio
betrayed47
New Member
Member # 14386
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, April 26th (Thursday)

I am 47 years old and have been married to an alcoholic for the past 23 years. One daughter 15 who ran away because of her father's drinking. I asked him to leave the house the first time 2 years ago because he was stealing money from the account, not coming home at night and drinking uncontrollably. This last time I asked him to leave was 15 months ago because of the daughter episode. When he left I told him he need to stop drinking, go into a recovery program and get a full-time job. In the 15 months he's been gone, he has done none of the above. But about 5 weeks ago, he called to tell me that he was going to go out with a very nice lady who invited him to dinner and a movie. He not only called and told me but called his entire family, mother, brother, sisters and informed them that he had found this very nice lady who invited him out. After putting up with his drinking and little or no financial contribution to the marriage for 23 years. I was absolutely devastated, hurt and felt totally betrayed. The last two years prior to him leaving was especially difficult because we (at his suggestion) decided that he would stay home and take care of my mother who had a massive stroke. the entire marriage I was the consistent bread-winner, so to speak, who carried the health insurance, etc and it was may paycheck that paid the bills. During the period, his drinking became very out of control and he was verbally and emotionally abuse to the entire family - myself, our daughter and my disabled mother. I wish I had read the 180 guidelines before he told me of the affair. According to him he and the OW decided not to see each other any more but she still goes into the bar where he set up for the day to have breakfast and coffee. He says he will not stop talking to her because he doesn't want to be "ignorant to her". Maybe its me, but this is unacceptable to me. I did everything I could think of try and affirm that he still "loved me" and would be willing to "fight" for his family. He says he is finally getting some jobs up there and that he foresees it "taking off" and now I want him to come home and be the one to "change his life" again. He is skeptical that I mean any of this and is not willing to come home. A couple of weeks ago, he was all loving and exhuberant about how much he cared for myself and our daughter, I'm going to tell the OW that we can't see each other, etc and I'll even have her call you to let you know that we've talked and what was said and I'll be home as soon as my car is fixed. Then this past week, he has been like well no, after I processed everything from last weekend, I "love you, but I'm not in love with you" and have no desire to be romatic with you or any have type of intimate relations with you. I feel totally hurt and betrayed, but right now I am at the point where I just want to emotionally detach. He says he is skeptical about me changing, but he has NOT gotten any help for his drinking and although he has gotten a couple of "odd jobs" there is nothing permanent. How skeptical should I be? Do I really want him back? right now, I don't think so.


kab

Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Pittsburgh
NowIKnow
Member
Member # 13999
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, April 30th (Monday)

I want to join the betrayed men's thread! They are so active over there. But I think they'd kick me out. *sigh*

Posts: 74 | Registered: Mar 2007
snowbaby796
Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, May 1st (Tuesday)

betrayed47, I'm so sorry for all the tremendous hurt your H is causing you. He seems to have many issues, and is not trustworthy in general (continuing to drink, etc.). Since he has a lifestyle of being untruthful to you, I'd go with your gut instinct. Do you feel he is capable of this? It sounds fishy to me. Also, it sounds like he has not really ever put you first throughout your relationship. I say do what you need to take care of you and your children, get some therapy for you. You don't need to decide today what you will do about him. Figure out what you want and need to be happy, then figure out how to get it. That is the point i'm at right now. Good luck


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
betrayed47
New Member
Member # 14386
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 4th (Friday)

snowbaby796. I have decided to file for D. He refused to have NC with OW because it would "be ignorant" to her. She has continued to "visit" him on a regular basis. I believe that she has refused to officially date/sleep with him until he gets the divorce and so he has been extremely accommodating. My attorney seems to feel that we should "strike while the iron is hot". She will file the complaint next week. I'm just hoping that the OW doesn't figure him out until the divorce is final!


kab

Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Pittsburgh
umbrasleeps
Member
Member # 9070
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, May 14th (Monday)

Hi all,

Still have my things packed, I guess it's going to stay that way.

WH has answered some of my questions, I wrote them out for him. I have asked twice for him to take a look, he did and answered. There are a lot of questions but I shouldn't have to keep reminding him, this really upsets me. I have been waiting 17 months I won't wait forever. This isn't a threat it's simply a fact.


Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2005
OneStepAtATime
Member
Member # 11537
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)

I am triggering all over the place. H has left town for his seasonal project at the place where D-Day started. Last year, I went down to surprise him for the weekend, knowing she was there, but not knowing about the A. All it took was one look at her dirty face to know H had told her I was coming and that there was something bad underfoot. Confronted him and he basically confessed to the EA (we didn't even know that it had a name then), but denied denied denied any PA activity.

A month later, pregnant from that ill-fated surprise weekend, I found it ALL in a devastating email from her that chronicled the A, their LUV, her pregnancy and abortion-- she was upset because she'd seen the webpage he'd put together when our beautiful twins were born. His reply back to that email? "I always thought we'd end up together but I can see I've screwed that up too."

So, here I am ten months out. Raging sometimes, calm sometimes, and this Friday I head back down to the town where it all split open.

I am still so pissed at him for being such a weak moron. I'm still afraid I'm in R because the idea of being by myself with 4 children under 7 is terrifying. Some days I know this is the man I'll be with until I die and others I don't think I can last the week.

Today I'm particularly pissed off about a ring he gave for Christmas during the A. He claims he was never going to leave me but gave her a RING (albeit, it was a shitty $30 ebay ring... but still!) And, you know what? I actually saw it on his account when he got it, but since he got me a 2ct diamond tennis bracelet the same Christmas, I decided he thought the ring was so ugly he'd sent it back.

I guess I'm also pissed off at being an idiot about the A that I KNEW was happening.

Anyway, H is out on a boat working hard and I'm here losing my mind a little... thanks for letting me vent.

But, really, R is going well.


Me: BS

Recovering each other and ourselves.
5 children: 8 mo, 2,4,4,9

---------------------------------
"Love is not a victory march,
It's a cold and broken hallelujah"
(Leonard Cohen)


Posts: 693 | Registered: Aug 2006
Ivette
Member
Member # 6884
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)

I'm good just going thru the hurt again. I'm and idiot for talking to my stbxh. I try so hard to ignore him and pay him no mind but he calls me at work or on my cellphone. I do tell him only to call me for daughters things but he doesn't. I'm so frustrated with his issues because it effects my daughter. He called me on mother's day to wish me and I shouldn't been noisey the Karma bus is driving by and what he told me really really hurt.
What really hurt is that he has tried harder working it out with ow than he did with me and I guess she's the better person.
I've accepted it and learned from it that this time I mean it. I don't want to talk to him or deal with him ever again only regarding daughter. This time if he calls me for other reason I'm going to hang up on him (work). Cellphone the ignore button will be my favorite.


Rather have no company than bad company.

Posts: 1810 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Massachusetts
melody
Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, May 18th (Friday)

Just wanted to drop by and say hello to you all. Glad you are all posting on this thread.

Reading through here reminds me of a group of friends I used to have who would get together every week for "sit and stitch" which we actually really called "sit and b---" It really does help to talk to someone who understands.

I am mostly going to just lurk, since I have been both BS and WS, and don't feel like I should intrude here much. My H is still working w/ his f EA partner, so I spend some time over on that thread.

Wishes for peace for all of us.


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
umbrasleeps
Member
Member # 9070
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, May 19th (Saturday)

My DD is coming over today, I'm sure she'll see my things packed in my room.

I have decided if she asks, to tell her to ask WH.


Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2005
momofthree2007
Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, May 26th (Saturday)

Hi, I've been married for two years. The D-day was 3/20/07. I have a 15-month old and twins on the way(late July). He admitted to cheating that very same day. He only cheated once. He was so remorseful about it that I chose to give him a second chance. We went through 4 weeks of marital counseling but we're still working hard to rebuild this marriage since recovering has been so hard.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
smoore
Member
Member # 6684
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, June 6th (Wednesday)

I have a question for which I seriously need support and answers. Have any of you BS discovered through counseling or in discussion with your WS that although you were not spoken of during the affair, that it was conveyed that your marriage/you were an "obligation"? Even when the affair ended, your WS never once acknowledged the fact that he loved you, but more or less he had a family and couldn't be messing around.

How do you deal with knowing that your spouse implied, or literally said things like this and you are trying to reconcile? How do/have some of you addressed the situation?

My spouse and I haven't been to counseling---yet. I can't say I am dead on with how I was portrayed, but I think I am close. Although he came on home of his own volition and the act itself speaks volumes. I want to know why once he was exposed, why he didn't say, I love my wife.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: New York
pebbles
Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, June 7th (Thursday)

My WH said he told OW that he loved me and felt guilty for what he was doing. Soooooooooo guilty he went back for seconds. I consider him saying he loved me to her as a humongous insult.

He ran to her like a scared RAT the day I found out and cried on her shoulder that he was losing the best thing that ever happened to him. (Not her me). He was losing the love of his life.(Again me) Yea Right. She told him to go home and work it out. That was so moral of her.

I feel insulted that I was talked about during the affair, because he still had me on his mind while he was with her. That is so disgusting.

So I have a differenc perspective. I wish I hadn't been talked about.

Edited to add:

It was like he was trying to make me feel better that he didn't forget me while he was fucking her.

[This message edited by pebbles at 1:40 AM, June 7th (Thursday)]


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, June 10th (Sunday)

Hi everyone~

I'm M to a psychotic serial cheater who turned all my hopes & dreams into a humiliating nightmare.

He still 'cannot remember anything', not willing to be truthful/transparent, and I kicked him out 9/06.

IC describes him as "classic bipolar" as he changes from bi to gay to straight to asexual; and then the Ground Hog Day drama loop back begins anew.

Anyway, getting all my ducks in a row for D as I will be 59 next month (Gosh, time has flown! ).

I was talking to a new potential male friend this evening.

This demonstrates that I am healing.

However, the residual negative effects of betrayal make me feel so suspicious/paranoid and I feel so damaged beyond redemption at this point in my life.

And, Life is SHORT.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
kiara2002
New Member
Member # 9471
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 15th (Sunday)

How do you know if you have married a serial adulter? WH has had 2 affairs. First one was LTA. The 2nd one was for 'sex' since he wasn't getting any at home. Appartantly he thought he was impotent until someone came onto him, whilst he was in a cafe. (Not satifised with his story).

I'm feeling very ho-hum about working through this again. Mainly because of the way he is relating to me (if I looked after myself more to look better for him....sending me a romatic letter as he bonks someone else).

He has become very selfish. I just don't want to go through R if he's going to go off and do it again. But I guess if I'd known he'd do it in the first place I wouldn't have married him.

Oh well. Here's hoping for something out of MC tomorrow.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Sydney, NSW, Australia
hatehisguts!
New Member
Member # 15476
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, July 25th (Wednesday)

I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that my H thought screwing asian prostitutes for the past year overseas was worth losing me and our family. It shocks me that he could do that in our bed, surrounded by our and our childs stuff. How do you screw a whore in your wifes bed with a photo of your little girl on the bedside?? I just don't get it.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
hatehisguts!
New Member
Member # 15476
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 30th (Monday)

HMM! Now he wants to stay together. Now that he is no longer in asia with easy access to the whores. Give me a break. I made the mistake of having sex with him this weekend after being out drinking at a family event. Afterwards he acted like that was going to make a difference. Honestly it was just sex for me. Unlike him I had been waiting for 6 months to have sex and I'm not the type to go pick someone up in a club to get it. So he is now getting a little taste of his medicine. I am still separating from his dumb ass. As soon as I find a job back home I'm out.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
redvixen
Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)

Just happy to have this forum to vent to. I can't believe my life has gone to a "Jerry Springer meets Maury Povitch" episode. If it weren't for the pregnancy drama, our R would really be going well. Right now, it's all one day at a time, though the OW would be shocked to know that this has brought us closer, and more unified than ever.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
hatehisguts!
New Member
Member # 15476
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)

Had sex with him!! Has anyone gone back to just having sex with their spouse?? I feel like an idiot. We did it this weekend and I want to keep doing it even after what he has done. I don't even think its him its just sex in general. I'm not one to go out to a club and pick someone up. He is convenient and has already seen me naked. I have been waiting for his return from Japan for 6 months so I was really ready before I found out what he did. I still hate him but, since I started working out alot my libido has gone crazy. Is this normal???

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
hatehisguts!
New Member
Member # 15476
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, August 2nd (Thursday)

After talking with my H, he states that he slept with the whores because he would ask them to do things that he would not ask me to do sexually. He was watching alot of porn because I would only have sex with him every couple of weeks. ANd he wanted to do some of the stuff he saw and thought it was too dirty to ask me to do. I finally got him to tell me some of those things and wouldn't you know it, I would have done most of them. After I came back to the states and left him in Asia where all the sex you want is right there in your face. How much of this can I take the blame for? For not being open with him (no pun intended) about sex.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
redvixen
Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, August 4th (Saturday)

Hatehisguts, you know it has nothing to do with you sexually. That's him trying to project his own guilt on you, looking for some tiny reasons to lay blame on you. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.
And by the way, sex can just be sex, and you're a normal, healthy woman with your own needs. As crazy as it sounds, my H and I had sex the night of the revelation and the start of the reconciliation. It just felt like a natural progression (long story). I say to heck with what's supposed to be "normal", and go with what you feel to be right.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
desnray
Member
Member # 14352
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, August 14th (Tuesday)

Okay I may be way off but I don't know where else to say this.
Ever since H had a ONS, of course I feel cheated but okay this is the weird part ...I feel like the only way I can get over this is if I go out and have a ONS? I know two wrongs don't make a right but I can't stop thinking about what H did to me and it is driving me crazy.
I'm always at home while he's out of town working and the only time I go out is with him. I'm getting this urge to just go out and have one night of meaningless sex. I have felt this way since it happened. I'm trying so hard to get over this but I just feel like if I do this that it might help me forget what H did.
I want to talk to him about this but am so afraid to so can someone help me out...am I crazy?


me(BS) 30
him(WH) 36
5 girls: 2 prev.relationships(mine)
3 youngest ones 2.5, 21 months, & 4 months old (his)
married: this is our 5th yr
together: 8 yrs
D-Day: Apr. 15/07
D-Day 2: Oct. 21/08
Seperated.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Canada
Sadmadglad
Member
Member # 15291
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, August 14th (Tuesday)

desnry,
My guess is that you would probably just feel bad afterward. My suggestion, and I am no expert is to just go out and have a good time without the H. Just get out of the house and go have some drinks, if you drink. Maybe just getting out with friends will help.


M-21 years, together 24
D-Day 4/9/07
1 D - 10 y/o
Divorced January 08

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: STL
kryvan
Member
Member # 10174
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, October 15th (Monday)

I'm a BW. I didn't even know this was here. It's been 2 years going on 3 yrs since I found out. H had an affair with a coworker. He no longer works there. Thank the Lord! He was fired which is fine by me. He has a new job that pays better and the HR person is good friends with us now. We told this person the situation and the person told me that if the OW would ever apply the person would just shred her application. They don't need that kind of drama. So the person put my H in a building where they can't even hire woman because they build industrial fans and those suckers are heavy!!! So that does put me at ease.

The OW had harrassed me till I told my H if he didn't do anything about it I will. He told me to ignore her, but I will not tolerate what she was doing. So, I went to the police station. I know couple of cops. They did me a favor. Haven't heard from her since. It's been nice.

Fast forward to now.... and I'm depressed. My H is insensitive and every now and then not remorseful. I'm beginning to think that the only reason why I am with him is: I have a roof over my head, extra income, the sex is good and convienent and that's just what it is....sex. It's not love making anymore. Does this happen to anyone?, and he is my daughters father and he is good to her now. I could not ruin that for her.

I was planning on writing my H this letter that I seen posted on the R forum about me being in his shoes and him in mine to see if that would help. But right now, he thinks I'm cheating or will cheat. I remind him all the time that I know what are vows stand for... I'm not heartless, I'm not insensitive, I know other people have feelings and who I will hurt and the one person that I'm really concerned about hurting is my daughter and not him. I could care less if I hurt his feelings anymore. I guess I am insensitive. Anyways, I don't know about the letter thing. I'm doing a rough draft right now.

We don't talk about it and I'm having a hard time with that. I've also notice that he flirts with my girl friends in front of me and I have told him about this but he just shrugs it off.

I wish there was someone who could talk to him and put him in his place or make him wake up, but there isn't.

We have tried MC and IC and I put more effort in to that then he did. He doesn't meet me half way at all. I feel like I"m doing all the work and just beating my head against the wall. I'm to the point that I want to take pills and go to sleep and never wake up. But then I think of our daughter. My H told me that suck as a mother anyways so maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea.


Me: FBS 2005/ WS 2013
H: WS 2005 / poss WS 2013-14
Daughters: 13 & 5

Found out: Oct 2 2005

They say marriages are made in heaven.But so is thunder and lightning.


Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2006
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, October 15th (Monday)

kryvan, I don't usually come in here, I have so many other forums where I fit, but seeing that you're also over 2 years out and struggling touched me.

I know what you mean, totally. H is being a better father and husband than he ever was before. I have someone to help with the bills, to eat with, to have sex with (and no it's not ML either).

I too thought that nothing I did was good enough, despite being the one doing all the MC and IC and homework and reading, etc. Up until this past summer, (when I started my meds) I thought about taking myself out of the picture alot.

He knows you're not a terrible mother, he's just saying things to get to you because you have so much to "use" against him. And there is no one who's going to make him "get it". He has to want to. The letter, I've done that. It hits him at the moment he's hearing it, but then he buries those feelings quickly. And forgets what I tried to say. All he remembers about it is that I want to cheat on him. Not even close to the sentiment intended.

I'm going to recommend something here. I've tried it and sometimes it works. Stop trying. Stop reading, stop worrying about what he's thinking or doing. If you want to call it the 180, fine. I have modified it so much it doesn't even resemble the list posted on this site.

Think about getting IC back on line for you, don't worry if he does or not. If you feel you're losing a connection with your daughter, plan a special outing with her (alone) take advantage of the last of the nice weather. I went through this stage with my IC and we're just fine mothers, not perfect, but you keep her first in your plans, you won't hurt yourself or break up her home because of her. That's good mothering.

Stop pointing out his bad behaviors (flirting), just walk away when he does it. If he's not getting a rise out of you, I bet he'll stop or at least slow it down. You need to spend some time thinking and caring about yourself. ok?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Heartbroken129
New Member
Member # 14289
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

I haven’t been on here in a while. Things have been so hectic but I decided it was time. Things have been so much better since the last time I was on here. The last time I posted I had just caught my husband with another woman 8 weeks after we got married. It came out of the blue and I wasn’t expecting it. I thought since he married me I shouldn’t be worried if he was running around on me. Boy was I wrong. Well since that time, I have cut all ties with him. The only time there is any conversation is if I text him about something with the divorce. He is still with the other woman and they moved in together not long after I caught them. They tried to hide it from me but I found out. We live in a small town so news like this travels very fast. I have also moved into what was the house we were building. He had signed everything over to me before I confronted him. He thought I didn’t know anything about her when in reality I knew the whole time but didn’t say anything until he gave me what I needed to finish the house. So basically his continence ate him alive…or at least that is what I tell myself. Sometimes I think he doesn’t have a continence…otherwise how could he do what he did. But anyway, the reason I am writing is because I have depositions next Monday and then the divorce goes through and to be honest I am very nervous. I do not want to be with my husband but sometimes I really miss what I thought I had. Even though I know I am better off without him I am still dreading the end. Has anyone else felt that way? He treated me like a piece of trash and yet I still wish things had ended differently. The new woman flaunts it in my face every chance she gets and that makes it harder because I don’t understand why he feels that it is ok to treat me that way. I was never mean to him and I did everything I could to make my marriage work. On another note, I have started dating again and I have met a really nice man. He treats me really good and I could see it being serious one day but I don’t know how I would ever be able to fully be with him or anyone else for that matter until I let go of my feelings for my husband. Please help…I need some advice!


BS: 25
FWS: 25
Dated 8.5 years; Married 13 weeks
DDay: 03/10/2007


Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2007
ToCatchACheat
Member
Member # 16789
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 30th (Tuesday)

Well, I just wanted to share a bit of my story. I see I am new here but definitely not alone. What a cruel irony that I have to go online to discuss with strangers the most intimate and raw parts of my life.

Anyhow, I am a BS that is currently suffering from the effects of gaslighting.

I most definitely know something is wrong, and yet, I have not been able to gather the evidence necessary to pin his ass to the wall. After accidentally discovering H talking on cell phone while driving and his subsequent denial that he was talking at all, I know without a doubt something is wrong.

I am now in the process of gathering as much info as I can about the circumstances. At this time, I can honestly say that if I get hard evidence he is cheating on me with someone, I will not want to stay in the M. Of course it's one thing to say it and another to actually leave but for now that's how I feel.

To top it all off, in the last month we had discussed and moved ahead with plans to have another child. This necessitated a reverse vasectomy. H happily researched the surgeon, decided on one, submitted the paperwork and plans are set for the surgery to take place a few months from now. This is the most mind boggling part of everything to me. Why on Earth would he want another child if he is already fucking around on me?

I guess I'll probably never know. In the meantime, I'm busy gathering as much information as I can to protect myself and my family. I have a funny feeling I am in for alot worse but it is absolutely necessary for me to know the truth about what's going on.


Posts: 194 | Registered: Oct 2007
Tonehua
Member
Member # 16876
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, November 3rd (Saturday)

All I know is that I am sitting here in tears - good tears, I think, cleansing ones. I am so glad to have been directed to this site. I have so much support IRL that I am grateful for, but everyone seems to know what is best for me to do, right down to my brother asking me when I was going to start dating again (while he knows WH and I are going to counseling).

I'm so happy to have found a place where that's not everyone's immediate reaction (and also glad D is away tonight and WH is working, so no one can see me getting blubbery!)


Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: PA
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, November 3rd (Saturday)

I'm here, I really wish I wasn't, but we all wish that don't we?


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26032 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
libbet_snider
Member
Member # 11671
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 8th (Thursday)

OMG...out of curiosity, I scrolled through the "betrayed men" forum! Can you believe how many posts are there?! And they accuse women of talking and gossiping too much
Compared to them, this board looks positively silent.
Oh well, maybe we just hang out in LTA more...


Me-BW, young 51 (mtn biker, skiboarder); FWH-48, 14+ yr EA(?)
Married-19 yrs; Kids-all 4-legged
DDay-2/21/06; And the lies just kept coming; Last (known) D-Day 04/07
Status-He's really trying. I have to accept that he's human, not perfect.

Posts: 194 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: mid-Amer.
SecondThoughts
Member
Member # 5820
Question  Posted: 11:53 PM, November 12th (Monday)

Ok ladies...need some advice here. It has been a long time since I have been on this site, but alas, I am back. In a nutshell,(if I can fit it into one), I am not one of the lucky ones that reconciled their relationship. Here is my dilema...it has been 19 months since I ended my engagement after being with the dick for 6+ years. His children, all adults, with the oldest one being 30 has not given up hope that we will reconcile. He is still involved with the woman that
helped end our engagement (I don't blame her--she is just the next victim down the line). His children still stay in touch with me---they want me in their lives, and they don't want to have a relationship with this new woman in their fathers life.
Here is my dilema: I want to move on with my life, but staying in touch with his children make it harder, and if I tell them that we shouldn't stay in touch anymore then I'm going to go thru another loss and heartbreak, and I think it will be devastating to at least one of them. (Their own mother is a severe alcoholic, and never had much of a relationship with her.) They still consider me their "step-mom" to a degree. I am so torn as to what to do. Any thoughts? Feel free to ask me any questions if it helps you form an opinion or to offer advice.
Hugs!
ST


If the grass looks greener on the other side, its probably because you're not watering your own enough.
"What goes around, comes around"
"Your actions are speaking so loudly, I can't hear a word you are saying."
BSO: 53
WSO: 50

Posts: 283 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Midwest
momtokadi
Member
Member # 10531
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)

I am going through some visitation changes with XH.
We are not on the same page with how things should be and although we have joint legal custody, I have primary physical and he has visitation rights as agreed upon by both parties.
What I was trying to work out with him was to change visitation to every other weekend Friday through Sunday and a mid week get together as well.
Currently his time with her is every other weekend Friday to Saturday and then also EO Monday and Thursday night for two hours.
Which recently has become an issue because of a change in my Daughters sleeping routine.
She is only 2 years old and during the summer it was not a big deal to have her out until 8 but now it is becoming an issue because she is up all hours of the night not wanting to sleep alone.
I've been starting her sleep routine at 7 and want her in bed and relaxing no later than 8.
What I figured out was that it would be easier for all involved if he added an extra day to his already scheduled weekends, and alter the weekday visit to either a dinner together and have her home earlier, or seeing her for a few hours over the weekend he does not have her.
He completely refuses and will not discuss this new schedule with me at all.
He feels that I am keeping her from him, and he is calling a lawyer.
He keeps threatening me with this, saying he has nothing left to lose.
I want him to understand that she does need down time at night and after getting home from day care, running out the door with him and then going right to bed it is difficult to get her to sleep before 10 at night.
I work with her to sleep by herself, but with him she sleeps in the same room with him when she is with him and it is starting to cause a real problem at home all of a sudden.
She went on a four day vacation with him and when she came back she no longer would sleep in her crib, and she would wake up repeatedly throughout the night crying hysterically.
This was not the case prior to this vacation, when we were not having any sleep issues at all.
I am not sure whether I am being unreasonable, because I really don't think that I am.
i am thinking of her best interests and want to be consistent with her especially with bed time.
He does not see it this way at all. He thinks I am keeping her from him.
He says that he can not go that long without seeing her, and that he wants to be apart of her night routine too through the week.
He says that he will not give up any time.
Which I will tell you, what I am trying to do gives him a lot more time than what he already has.
He didn't want the nights before now, all of a sudden he is making a very big issue out of this, and it seems he is upset with me because I am in more control with her than he is.

I really don't understand why he wouldn't want to have a full weekend with her. He is being very resistent with having her for a full weekend and being very adament about the weekdays.
I thought he would like to have a full weekend with her every other weekend, and then I thought he would be happy with having time within the two weeks to get together as well.
I am not keeping her from him in the least but I do think that weekday visits need to be at a better time rather than while she is supposed to be sleeping.
Am I crazy, am I being mean or does this really sound like I am keeping her from him.
I never ever have, I have always been flexible, and I've always tried to work out a schedule with him that works for the both of us.
But now that I do not think this schedule is working as well, he refuses to work with me.
And I just can't believe he wants to go get a lawyer for this.
He doesn't even have a bedroom for her, she sleeps in his room, he lives with his mom.
He tried to cut her off of health insurance recently, and he picks her up late, and drops her off early all the time.
I want a regular structured schedule for her as close to it as I can get that would accent a normal family lifestyle. I don't want her running back and forth between houses during the week. I think that is crazy. And if he wanted to keep it together enough to work with me when she was six months old that would have been different.
He has only just started to fight me on things.
What are your thoughts, I just want to see what other visitations are set up, and how others work through these situations.
Thank you for reading.


Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
DrowningInPain
New Member
Member # 17707
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, January 11th (Friday)

I will keep you in my prayers momtokadi. I would not wish that kind of stress on anyone we all want whats best for our children even when they are being used to cause us pain..stay strong and know that we are here for you and you are never alone...

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2008
Hope-full
Member
Member # 17044
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, January 12th (Saturday)

This sucks!

I hate that we are here but rateful that there is a place to go to. So many of you say things that help me to understand that you understand.

The betrayed men forum, wow, now I am not better than anyone but I wish my H could honestly step back and see that I have not done him like some of those men.

The issue of sex. Well, my H likes to play that he's so cool but he's sensitive as hell. Today, he's "feels" OK with me. I love him but that does not have as much bearing as it used to have. We have issues with multiple affairs, a lot of secrecy. To be honest, we both lacked integrity. I tried to bottle a lot in and I would blow up. He, well, would get his groove on. I'm not sure I'm the right woman for him. Well, I digress.

In my opinion, I have sex with my H, we have not made love in a long time. I know the difference. I wish we were on the same page as far as R from the A but we are not and I have to be OK with that. I can only control ME and I have to make the choices that are the best for me even if it means that my H and I find happiness without remaining M.
The best to you all,
Kisha


Posts: 59 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Tx
nikki2008
Member
Member # 17936
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, January 27th (Sunday)

Hi,
I love sex with my H. In a way I think that's one of the reason's I am still with him. We are both extremely sexual beings.

It's so damn tiring to find a suitable sexual mate.

Thats the reason I find it so difficult to understand his ONS and A.


Me - BW 33yrs
Him - WH 36 yrs
M - 10 years
Together - 12 years
I have an adorable 3 year old daughter.
D day 1 - July 2002
D day 2 - August 2003
D day 3 - Sept 2007
D day 4 - Dec 2007
Am tired. In R now.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: India
mystil
New Member
Member # 18013
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, February 1st (Friday)

Hello, Here I am too! Add me to the list......I wonder what the statistics are for infidelity and successful . . . . . Gonna have to go research that!


Mysti - 27
WS - 26
Kids d - 6, and s - 3
R- now!

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: California
Butterfly321
Member
Member # 18078
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, February 8th (Friday)

I just am in shock, The OW is acting like she the victim she was married too...she does not have a clue and she mess with me all the time this is crazy

Posts: 59 | Registered: Feb 2008
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, February 20th (Wednesday)

Wow, I must be BLIND. I never saw this BW before!

Yes, add me, too.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
icantcope
Member
Member # 18652
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, April 28th (Monday)

BW Here. I still can't cope with this mess. I am on AD's and trying to stand on my own two feet. He wants to help to heal me He wants to R Now that he had his fun the family is the most important thing in his world Thank you for listening. Talking to yourself gets old real fast.


Half empty or Half full it is still Half

Posts: 206 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest USA
warrior
New Member
Member # 19443
Target  Posted: 7:58 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)

ok good grief, no just grief! Bad grief, You name it I have experienced it except i am pretty sure my husband has not sleep with another man. I am not a low selfesteam person. And I have a great successful job ( I dont have to spell) But for some reason I can believe what he is telling me or I chose to believe that I am really just imagining things

Posts: 9 | Registered: May 2008
Ariandme
Member
Member # 15264
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, May 9th (Friday)

My D-Day April 24th via an e-mail from OW. H denied A but I am GONE! I am filing for D next Friday when I get paid again. He has totally cut me out of his life, changed his cell number, I have no clue where he lives and he also stopped contacting my daughter (not his, from previous Marriage). The oW is PSYCHO with a capiol P!!! Holy crap...so I know that R will never last, after all it was built on LIES!
I am moving in 2-3 weeks and H has no clue where. I also changed my cell number which he does not have. I am done with the Marraiage, it was doomed from the start. I was a "fixer" and he can not be fixed by anyone but himself and I never see that happening, ever. He feels he has no problems, that he is fine how he is. He was a womanizer and will always BE a womanizer. He is in the fog or wayward right now and he will be for a long time. He says he "loves" this woman so she can have him and now she can be his secretary, have 5 minute sex with him, take him everywhere since he has no license and she better not expect him to give her his entire paycheck, he always keeps like $500 for himself.
What I "miss" if you want to even use that term is the comfort level with someone...I can pee with the bathroom door open with him. The whole idea of building that up with someone else is frustrating to me. I am looking forward to meeting new people, gaining who I was again, it got lost along the way and being happy with me and my indepedence. I know he will forever be using women and never will know true love and I am not free to find a man who will love me for who I am inside and out and respect me.


My love was Free...what did your affair cost you?

Posts: 324 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Chicago
choosewisely
New Member
Member # 19572
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

i am betrayed and unfortunately so is she...
my man met someone on eharmony. isn't that lovely. wonder if one of those four million points of his personality included that he is a liar and a cheat. so now he has a new chick who "knows about me" however she obviously doesn't know everything about me because he has been living in my house and calling me everyday that we have been in a long distance relationship. he moved last year after he got fired (didn't tell me for a month when i confronted him) and i helped him find a place to live. got him all settled. he stole a check from my book and paid a grand for a fence without telling me. i bounced some checks to the tune of $300 bucks. but i was SOOOOOOOOOO stupid i let it go and kept on the charade. we went on vacation in september - he again was rude and insensitive. i gave him the walking papers, nearly worked but then he flew here with the "grand gesture". several weekends he showed up, thanksgiving, i kept my distance, had dinner but wanted it to end. then Christmas came. I already had the ticket to go there and once again stuuuuuupid, i went. he planned a wonderful weekend at a nice place, spa the works. we then went skiing a month later, he already was on the e harmony. he met this chick and was communicating with her. vacationing with me. i was oblivious. he continued on with her, met her (she lives three hours from him) would go visit, nice dates, etc. there were several occasions when he went for hours not answering my calls. should have been clued in but never would have suspected. then he came to visit for a month. the texts, the calls and i knew. she called with "how was your day" i could hear it loud and clear. he told me he worked with her (lie) and that it was all innocent. made me feel crazy and suspicious. INTUITION WINS AGAIN. i left that night, then he was gone. he continued to pursue her. and lied to me despite many direct questions, elaborate lies. planned his lies to cover his weekends. then i knew and confronted him point blank. he confessed and I flipped. all on the phone. he hasn't told anyone else, not mom, sister until this weekend when his mom came to visit. she met the new girl. i called him for a therapeutic pity party. why do i feel so betrayed by such a schmuck. this guy has no respect for me, no love but put up a good show for three years. he was aware of my nasty divorce four years ago that ended due to infidelity and he betrayed my trust immeasuribly. i don't think i will ever feel better. help.


life is like a box of chocolates -watch out there may be a nut in the middle

Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19


Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2008 | From: northwest
choosewisely
New Member
Member # 19572
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

Sorry all, i vented where i shouldn't have. got carried away. :(


life is like a box of chocolates -watch out there may be a nut in the middle

Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19


Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2008 | From: northwest
breakingheart
Member
Member # 19909
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

I hate feeling being a betrayed woman. I wish there was a better word for it.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2008
lemony.2008
Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, July 19th (Saturday)

There must be more of us out there??

[This message edited by lemony.2008 at 11:03 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
lovinlife
Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, September 4th (Thursday)

I just noticed this and also that they have one for betrayed men!

I am a BS and I agree that there has to be a whole LOT more of us. Some only post in General or R.

My FWH and I have been in R for almost a year. He had a 2 1/2 yr. LTA. We also had almost 6 months of a false R! He is SO different now that I sometimes wonder "who" he is! And I mean that in a good way.

Lov'in


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
lovinlife
Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, September 5th (Friday)

Where is everyone???

It is really WEIRD that the BM forum has more people and responses!!!

There has to be a huge amount of women here, so where are you's? We have a place to support each other, no matter what the circumstances!!

Anyone there......


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
SophieKnows
Member
Member # 20839
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, September 5th (Friday)

I'm here and a BW :( I wish I wasn't.


Me: BS - 33
WH - 33 SA, Multiple D-Days, Multiple OWs, Multiple Profiles on Dating Sites

False R - Was Separated - Now in Limbo while he's going through IC.

Mother to a wonderful 4 year old daughter.


Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Canada
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, September 5th (Friday)

A place where women come together and share their challenges, difficulties, fears and triumphs.

My challenge>getting out of bed in the am.
My difficulty>getting out of bed in the am.
My fear>getting out of bed in the am.
My triumph>getting out of bed in the am.

Y'all know the routine.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
badlyhurting
Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, September 5th (Friday)

I am here and could really use some support.

In my situation, I am headed for a D. August 8th I finally drew my line in the sand and told my WS to commit to the marriage or get out. He said "My feelings for you aren't intense enough to make that commitment" and he moved out the next day.

We have 5 children. His affair started just before we conceived #5 and continued until 23 days before she was born.

HB - I so understand the "getting up in the morning" being a challenge. I just want to curl up under the covers all day and cry.


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
laid2waste
Member
Member # 20474
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, September 5th (Friday)

I'm also a BW... never saw this thread before now tho.

Not quite a month into R - having some issues with that

tired of the psycho-coaster ride I've been on

Wish his dangley parts would fall off


Still hoping for the best... being optimistic sucks sometimes.


D-day: 6/20/08, 7/15/08
ME: BS/43
HIM: WS/41
OW#1: 44 YO - EA/PA lasted over a year!
OW#2: 55+ YO - PA/EA approx 8 months
STATUS: False R 6/25/08, False R #2 8/7/08, His LAST chance 9/29/08

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Western Wisconsin
NewMama08
Member
Member # 19532
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, September 5th (Friday)

I'm a BW also!
I never saw this thread either... but I'm glad it's here.

My H confessed to his PA on my birthday (4/27) after a month of lying about it. We had just had our first child, and his A started while we were trying to conceive. It has torn my heart in half, and I'm having a hell of a time trying to put it back together. Sometimes I feel like I'm only trying for our daughter, because she deserves a chance at having a whole family. I came from a broken home, and hated it, and I don't want her to have the same issues I did from it. It's tough though.

I must admit, I'm having a rough time right now. I had 6 months off of work, and I just had to go back this week (I'm a teacher) so I had to leave my little girl. I hate being away from her every day, and on top of that I'm trying to deal with this A, plus a new job.... my life is rough right now. It's nice to have SI to help me cope!


FBW (Me)-30
FWH- 29 (WorstChoicesEver)
2 1/2-year old daughter
D-day- April 27, 2008
Working on R

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2008 | From: NY
badlyhurting
Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, September 5th (Friday)

NewMama,

Always nice when they spoil your birthday, isn't it? I found out about WS's affair the day after mine...so I know it will never be a day I want to celebrate again. (Gee, tomorrow with be X number of years since Dday.)

I also had a baby just after I found out. It was child #5.

Just wanted you to know I'm sending some warm thoughts and prayers your way...and to all of us here on this board.


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
lovinlife
Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, September 6th (Saturday)

I knew you were out there!!!

Hello,
Sophie
HB
badlyhurting
laidtowaste
Newmama08

Now we can get busy offering support and strength to each other.

HB, I have read some of your posts, and it's understandable why you have a hard time getting out of bed.
I say we should get you a new bed. The most uncomfortable bed they make...
Maybe then you won't like it so much!

badlyhurting,

5 kids and he leaves... thats just not right. You definitely have your hands full and now we have each other to help carry the burden.
((((badly))))

laidtowaste,

Wish his dangley parts would fall off

welcome, sorry you are here, but that remark made me giggle.

Newmama,

Hope you are finding time to relax this weekend. I too work in the schools, only I am in the nurses office of a highschool!!

Hope everyone has a great weekend. I am off to a polish festival but will check in tommorrow.

Lov'in


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, September 6th (Saturday)

Maybe then you won't like it so much!

It's not that I like it so much, it's that I'm tired of having to face another day every day.

Just like today...
I had another service to go to.
That's 4 now since April.
It's draining on top of the infidelity and divorce crap.
Not to mention losing my daughter.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
lovinlife
Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 7th (Sunday)

((((HB))))

I am sorry for your pain... and if I can be of any help I would gladly.

Sometimes I am too upbeat, and I was only joking about the bed. I apologize if it upset you.

I can't imagine the heavy cloak of sadness that you carry, and I am deeply sorry about your daughter. No parent should ever have to go thru that... it's not the natural order of things...


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
We_Not_3
Member
Member # 20672
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, September 7th (Sunday)

((((((new mama)))))) (((((laid2waste)))))))

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2008
We_Not_3
Member
Member # 20672
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, September 7th (Sunday)

(((((((lovinlife))))))))) ((((((((badlyhurting)))))))
((((((((Heartless Bytchh))))))))) (((((((((sophieknows))))))))))

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2008
hurt789
Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, September 7th (Sunday)

I am needing advice on LTA's, It was suggested to me that I check out this forum..Just found out husband of 20 years (togather 22) has had a 15 year affair with his best friends wife. They were married for about 2 years when this started. Our familys did EVERYTHING togather over these years. I and the OW had children at the same time. Every holiday, vacation, and several days a week togather. D-day was about 2 months ago. I think I am still in shock. I got the "were just friends" excuse for the last 9 years after I started questioning why they talked so much..My husband says he never stopped loving me and she was just a whore and she meant nothing to him. How could this be true if it lasted so long? He wants to forget about her and her family, but how can we when all of our memories included them? I believe he has had NC with her. I would hope her husband would call to tell me if he suspected any contact. My husband has talked openly about this with me when ever I feel like talking. I do believe he is trying. He has been very supported through my rollercoaster of emotions. I have access to all phone records and his work schedules. I am just having a hard time believing he did not love this whore. He says it lasted so long because it could. He states he was having his cake and eating in too. He actually said he was glad it was over. The hardest part, more than him having sex with someone else was that he bought her a ring. I cant seem to get over that! How to you buy a ring for someone and not love them? He wants to buy me a ring now to show how committed he is in starting our new life and marriage over. I am not sure about that yet, as the last ring obviously meant nothing. I guess I am writing to find out if any other BS's have been in this situation where the affair had lasted for so long and when the OW was suppose to be your friend in which you confided in.


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
We_Not_3
Member
Member # 20672
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, September 7th (Sunday)

((((((((hurt789))))))))))

I wish I had advice for you. So many posters here have expert advice and I know will be able to help you.

Check out the Library for a start. I'm very sorry for your pain. You are not alone. Has the husband stayed with the OW?


Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2008
We_Not_3
Member
Member # 20672
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, September 7th (Sunday)

My first gut feeling would be, I DO NOT want a ring. I would want him in counseling. ((((((hurt379)))))))

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2008
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, September 7th (Sunday)

lovinlife, no worries,gf.

It wasn't you, it was me.
You should be able to say anything you want to me.
Including FOADB.

789, I'd be triggering so hard about him wanting to buy you a ring.

HTF did she explain it to her BH?
And does he know about the 15 yrA now?
I'd be tempted to have it inserted in his nose.

My husband says he never stopped loving me and she was just a whore and she meant nothing to him.

That's a lie.I think he's minimizing it now.AKA as "damage control".
Keep your head up for a FR.
I think they just went underground.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
pebbles
Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, September 7th (Sunday)

(((((((hurt789)))))))

You are still in shock over this and you need to give yourself time to decide what you want to do.

You will change your mind several times during the course of your healing.

Get into IC so you have someone who can help you sort thru this mess.

As for the ring, if you accept it, I can guarantee that during the course of your healing you will want to shove it up his ass a few times. That ring will always remind you of this horrible time.

Maybe after a few years of healing you will want to accept gifts from him, now is not the time.

You may not want to reconcile with him at a later date. You will be on a rollercoaster from hell for awhile going up and down and back and forth about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him.

Just hang on for the ride and work on yourself to get better.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
laid2waste
Member
Member # 20474
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 7th (Sunday)

Thanks for the welcome ll and WH3... and I'm sorry I'm here too. Lov'in - glad I could bring a little bubble of funny to someone's world today - dangley bits made me giggle when I wrote it too!

798 - I really wish I knew what to tell you. You're story is so painful and I feel for you from the depths of me.

As others have told you, he is simply minimizing what he's done - regardless of WHY he's doing that, you might want to let him know that you know that and explain to him HOW you know that! 15 years? A ring? and she's just a "whore"? Puleeeeze!

Tell him to forget the ring and use the money he would have spent on it for IC and MC if he wants to show you he's serious about "starting a new life" with you and your marriage!!

I hope you can find peace within yourself after all this. You deserve that much and so much more. (((hurt789)))

[This message edited by laid2waste at 6:54 PM, September 7th (Sunday)]


D-day: 6/20/08, 7/15/08
ME: BS/43
HIM: WS/41
OW#1: 44 YO - EA/PA lasted over a year!
OW#2: 55+ YO - PA/EA approx 8 months
STATUS: False R 6/25/08, False R #2 8/7/08, His LAST chance 9/29/08

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Western Wisconsin
lovinlife
Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, September 7th (Sunday)

HB... thanks!

Welcome We_Not_3,

hurt789'

Welcome and sorry you find yourself here. My FWH had a 2 1/2 yr. LTA. The OW was not a friend of mine. It must be doubly hard to deal with. I would do IC and MC and see how things go. You are just getting over the shock and your H is moving way to fast. One day at a time, one step at a time.

There is also another forum in the I can relate specifically for LTA's. But we are always here for you.
((((hurt789)))

Hope everyone else is doing well.

Lov'in


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
surviving72f
New Member
Member # 20187
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, September 7th (Sunday)

Ladies, my wife had an affair almost two years ago. I have struggled everyday to get better and we are moving in that direction, but it is slow and there are days where it's hard not to get down. One thing I struggle with is telling the Other mans wife, which I doubt he has. As women would you want to hear from me if your husband had been having an affair with my wife?


Me=40
WS=40
2 kids, girl 10 months, boy 3
D-Day 2/12/06 - Happy Valentines day!

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Massachusetts
lovinlife
Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, September 8th (Monday)

surviving,

I know it would be hard to tell the OM spouse, but I would want to know.

Good luck to you and let us know what you have decided.


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, September 8th (Monday)

He says it lasted so long because it could.

Hurt789. Yes, there is an LTA forum here. I think I'm a founding member. Several posters over there have been dealing with LTAs of 5, 7 + years. Even their entire marriage.

I think you have hit on the key there. My H said his 7 year LTA and the multitudes also were because he could.

That's kind of a vital point. he needs to understand however, WHY he could.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
anniegirl1
Member
Member # 19988
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, September 10th (Wednesday)

surviving72f Hi there, Sorry that you are here with the rest of us, but you are in good company ! I too am struggling with telling. My case is telling the OWH. I found out about WH "Just Friends", in May. WH denied, then said he only talked to her a few times, then I found the cell bill. They had been talking 2-3 times a month 2-15min(that's just her cell don't know about work) for at least 6months. Then found old cell phone with her # hidden in it(SHE told him to! I can't even tell him to check the mail)it had been at least a yr. She is someone that dated a friend of his 7yrs ago(she was married then too) & magically decided to contact HIM after all this time. That just shows that they could have been talking for yrs??? After gaslighting me & I my not buy it,He finally said that he F'd up & he wouldn't talk to her again. Ohh yeah... she was in the neighborhood & conveniently stopped by his work 2 or 3x's for 5mins., last being fall of last yr. He says that there has been NC since May, but I'm not sure(after telling me he only talked to her a few times & finding more). Still swears it was only EA. He is trying really hard now & really seems sorry,without actually saying it (Very Prideful).Anyway, there is not a day that goes by that I wonder if I should contact OWH. I have good days & bad. Somedays I ? everything he does or says as if there is an arterial motive. Some days I Just take it for face value & "DECIDE" to take it as HE IS REALLY TRYING HARD TO KEEP HIS MARRAIGE. Then I see OW's my space & see how she "pretends" to be soooo kind, thoughtful & family oriented . I want to tell her H so that he doesn't feel as foolish as I did/do & can work on his M too, but am afraid that it would stir the pot again & the NC would be VOID. IS IT TOO LATE ???? I am still on the fence with this. I will say, IF the opportunity presents itself, I WILL - as kindly as I can- LET HIM KNOW! If he believes it or not is up to him & my cell records that I give him. At least I would have FINALLY told. B*L*E*S*S*I*N*G*S*


Me-BS 45 2nd M,
Him-WH 39 CITY DICK 1st M 2+yr.EA/PPA
1st WS Slept with
all of NORfOLK VA
Thank GOD in Live in
Virginia Beach :-}



Posts: 385 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Virginia Beach
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, September 10th (Wednesday)

surviving72f yes, I'd want to know if I was still M to him.I'd want to know a lot of things. When and how it started, who pursued whom first.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
lovinlife
Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, September 11th (Thursday)

((((HB))))

Just saw your post in another forum and I am sending my thoughts and prayers your way!!

I would definitely go have those beers w/your buddy, and keep busy and away from him.


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, September 29th (Monday)

Thank you LL.I hope everyone on this thread is doing ok.
What about you? How're you doing?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
trying3
New Member
Member # 21165
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, October 7th (Tuesday)

Hi, I am here! :D I am new to all the forums but I am here!


Hayley and Audry's Mom

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: California
Thistles
Member
Member # 18970
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, October 7th (Tuesday)

(((Hurt789)))

I'd make sure that ring was pretty damn BIG.....


Me-BS-52
Him-FWS 51
M-25 yrs
D-Day Mar 26,2008
NC phone call Aug 2
Reconciling not working out
Had him move out 6-1-11
Divorce final 1/4/13

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Maryland
broknhearted
Member
Member # 14806
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, October 17th (Friday)

I think I have posted in just about every forum...so I didn't want to leave this one without my mark!
I joke because it is all I have left.
July 2005 - found out WH was involved with co-worker - EA/PA followed; many, many false R's....bringing me to today.
Last night, after a month of thought, I asked my WH to find another place to live. Calmly, without anger, after discovering yet another lie. This lie was for no apparent reason, although I know now that there are no lies told for no apparent reason. A month ago, I found 2nd secret cell phone and went balistic. Threw him out. Bag and Baggage, only to let him back three days later. I could never get comfortable with that decision, but IC said to think this time, before acting. So, I did. And, I am glad I did.
Anyway, I really don't know what else to do. I guess SI has always been there for me and I thought I would reach out. I don't know what is wrong with him and I think finally I do not care. This has been a long road for me and I think it is time for me to take a different road. I hope that I am strong enough to do what I know is right for me this time.


Will I ever be the same?

Posts: 164 | Registered: May 2007 | From: by the Falls...
lovinlife
Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, October 17th (Friday)

((((broknhearted))))

Sending you strength and hope for your journey.

I am a firm believer that when we quite worrying about our WS and focus on ourselves, good things happen.

We might not always get what we want, but we get what we need.

Hang tough....

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
bjwiraden
New Member
Member # 21422
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, October 28th (Tuesday)

Hello ladies. I just have a question. I found out about my H affair two months ago. We've decided to stick it out and things have been pretty good. I don't know why but today is a rough day. Should it still hurt this bad? I have cried a lot today and I am wondering if I should tell him what is bothering me. I hate seeing him upset about it because he truly seems remorseful about everything. I just don't know what to do. Did I make the right decision in staying with him? I need some advice please. I just want the pain to go away. It still hurts so much.


Me: 24
Him: 27
Married 12/7/2002
Two beautiful boys
William 4
Isaiah 20 months


D-Day 9/5/2008
OW: 20 he went to her work and asked for her number. Told her we were separated for 8 months. Slept together after 2 weeks.
Dates were few sex w


Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
NewMama08
Member
Member # 19532
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, November 5th (Wednesday)

bjwiraden-
Should it still hurt this bad?

I am 6 months out, and some days it still hurts as much as it did when I first found out. The hurt doesn't go away for a long time. You are perfectly normal. This is a huge deal, not something you can just forget about in a month or two. It changes your entire life!
Did I make the right decision in staying with him?

Only you can answer this question. Do you still love him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Are you both willing to do the necessary work to try and ensure that infidelity doesn't touch your marriage again? If you feel that staying is the right decision, then it is. There are a lot of us trying to stay and work things out. Keep posting, it helps to clear your head, and then you can make these decisions. We're all here for you!


FBW (Me)-30
FWH- 29 (WorstChoicesEver)
2 1/2-year old daughter
D-day- April 27, 2008
Working on R

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2008 | From: NY
nothereorthere
Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, July 23rd (Thursday)

Hi everyone, it will be 4 years out next month for me & I still hurt at times. Gets better though. You get to the point where you don't dwell on it every minute of every day. Most of the time now it feels like I'm on the outside looking in. Dosen't feel so personal these days. It's a long road, but it does get better. Hang in there everyone!

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
butifuldisaster
Member
Member # 24089
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, July 25th (Saturday)

i seem to attract anyone and everyone who is unfaithful, friends, partners, exc. all my friends cheat on their SO whomever they may be at the time. and not only that but hook up with unfaithful people as well. i've never been unfaithful and never plan on being. but i also attract guys that cheat, whether they are single and they get OW while with me or if they make me the OW unknowingly. i can't stand it!

i've only had 1, yes only 1 relationship where i wasn't cheated on. but we broke up because his friends pressured him into leaving me to see how it'd work with another girl, BEFORE he married me. yes we were engaged (this OW had slept with all his friends, unbeknowst to him) needless to say it never worked and we never got back together.

but really what is my problem??? why do i attract these people? i don't want to replace my friends i love them, but why does that overflow into my guy situation???? do i just like broken people? is it an underlying need to "help" them? i'm going crazy. i'm tired of being cheated on and abused. i want something real. even if it ends for whatever reason besides infidelity or abuse i don't care!!!! at least there's one!!!! at least it's possible. i'm going crazy.....


nothing is ever truly impossible

Posts: 635 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Arizona
leapyearbaby
Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, July 25th (Saturday)

72F:
Yes, I would definitely want to know, no matter the pain.


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
CryingGreenEyes
Member
Member # 24753
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, July 25th (Saturday)

I'm here checking in!!! It truly sucks that there are so many people here that have been affected by pinhead's and their selfish choices! Hugs to all of you!


"The truth shall set you free... but first it's really gonna piss you off!"
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house you can never tell."

Posts: 1525 | Registered: Jul 2009
Gwyn
New Member
Member # 25201
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 18th (Tuesday)

I'm here too. Just found out. No sleep, total shock mode. Here for now and kids sake. Taking the advice breathe in breathe out. All I can do right now. Don't have any great ideas but willing to listen. Hugs to all you BW's. This sucks royally.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2009
badlyhurting
Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, August 19th (Wednesday)

Okay ladies - I'm here too. Didn't know there was a thread for betrayed women.

So, can any of you tell me just how to "find time"?

I hear that often - "Find time for you."

I work (now), I have 5 kids, I have chores surrounding home and those 5 little ones...

Just where to you "find time"? There is none there, unless I miraculously add a 25th hour to the day.

I'm just struggling with the responsibility of it all...I was faithful and I still got screwed. SD has no issues "finding time"...as he hasn't even seen the five children in almost a year.

Part two to my question - If and when I do become magical and add that 25th hour to the day, what do I do with that "time"? I read as a hobby, my friends are almost all on the internet, bubble baths aren't really my thing - what do you do?


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
lostinheart
New Member
Member # 25378
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)

I'm here! I hate the hurt they he caused me and the fact that he lied to me and I think is continuing to lie. Is it to protect him or his ****? I think so bad of her...I want her to hurt as bad as I do!

I have fought the battle with cancer and this makes cancer look like a walk in the park! WTF!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAA!


BS-38
WS-39
OW-36-Married
DD-12/21/08

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2009
Meesha
New Member
Member # 25397
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, September 19th (Saturday)

I'm having trouble with the R. My husband is trying very hard but the betrayal was so horrible that it's hard for me to trust him. It's the not knowing that is crazy making. If I could just know if he was going to screw this up. It's hard to just let time tell, it makes me feel vulnerable.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: DC
afeni
Member
Member # 25363
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, September 19th (Saturday)

feeling down, i got to wait months before i can go ahead and have him take polygraph, we have got many debts to clear/pay off....so the saving for test is on the backburner, i wish i could just get it over and done with so i can try get on with my life one way or another rather than live this way (no where land) for another second !!
god will it be worth it in the end ?

Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2009
B_ro_K_en_33
New Member
Member # 25676
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 4th (Sunday)

K BS's need some answers, has anyone hit, slaped, punched, kick, spit, thrown things, or anything that would be considered violent or could get them charged with assult to their WS in an emotional outburst, just wondering I feel like I'm alone in this

[This message edited by B_ro_K_en_33 at 1:07 PM, October 4th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1 | Registered: Sep 2009
evrunsure
New Member
Member # 25873
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 23rd (Friday)

It's 8 months out from D day and Well, I can't figure out why I still love the guy, but that is where I am at. He did an NC after the initial A and one FR. We were in counseling at the time I found out..I couldn't go to work today-work is a mess too. I'm so confused too. I have loved him for 30 years, then he hurts me the way no one else could.

He's seeing a shrink now and is on antidepressants and is actually acting more "normal" and trying to be a husband again. It so scares me though-is it real? I can't be hurt like that again. I also can't always just keep up the even keel thing-meltdowns happen and I had a really bad one last week. My doc wants me to let her know if I want antidepressants, and of all things, my WH's shrink thinks I need to see someone. I'm an absolute mess and just feel life life really sucks.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2009
iamsurviving
Member
Member # 23478
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, October 28th (Wednesday)

I am a BS of 18 months and still having a very difficult time. Triggers are so bad this time of year for me. H started his OF with OW back in 04(?) - I found out 12/16/07. Emails got spicy around holidays so this with the holidays coming up I'm not doing well. H worked with OW but OW left in 3/09. No contact since 12/07. Trying to work things out but I'm the one having such a hard time. Last couple of weeks just am not happy and don't know what to do about it. Don't want to divorce but just now happy at all. So many triggers on tv, church, news, all over. I'm determined to hang in there but now I'm questioning what I'm hanging on to. Any suggestions, input or whatever? Not in counseling - just don't want to rehash my story to anyone - feel so betrayed, lost, angry, thought I forgave him but don't think I have. Married 40+ years, 3 kids, 6 grandkids. Thanks for listening - have a good day everyone and sorry we have to be here but thank God for SI.


Me: BS (61)
Him: WH (64
Married: 41 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2009
srb1608
Member
Member # 19477
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, October 28th (Wednesday)


iamsurviving!!
Hi There! My timeline is similar to yours and i am having a hard time also. Ddday was 17 months ago and R started 16 months ago. I too hate this time of year as H's A started "sometime mid-late november". It continued through april. dday 2 days after our 13th anniversary. So i hate all months in between. I am hoping this is just a stage that happens around year and half out. I just seem extra pissed an angry. Questioning myslef and my choice for R even though all is going well. Wondering how i would be now if i had sucked it up and just went on with my life without him. Andy hell yeah, the triggers are EVERYWHERE!! And on days when i am having a good one it creeps up all over tv and news. I am just hoping for one complete day where it doesnt enter my mind.

I sure wish i had some great advice for you, but mostly just letting you hear from someone with a similar timeline since dday and letting you know someone else feels the same!!

Encouraging thoughts sent your way!!


BS- me 37
WS -him 37
Married 13 years

Posts: 2220 | Registered: May 2008
Illinoisgirl
Member
Member # 25686
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, November 1st (Sunday)

Talk about adding insult to injury. I've probably lost 15 pounds since d-day 5 weeks ago. Why did it all have to be from my boobs!! Ugh!

[This message edited by Illinoisgirl at 6:14 AM, November 1st (Sunday)]


Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
Reconciling?
D-Day 9-27-09
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt


Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2009
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday)

hurt 789

If your FWH really wants to get you a ring, YOU choose it, and if you choose a big one (that FWH can afford) and he balks, he is not being honest with you.

My FWH bought OW two chocolate bars, and a couple of flowers. I told him, "Then you owe me 200 chocolate bars!" He has bought me flowers 3 times (for the first time in our 19 year marraige) since the A. I like them, but I wish he wasn't trying to make up for the A, and it was an "original" idea.

I think I'm going to tell him that, now that I realize it.

Buying chocolate for OW was not original either. He used to buy me chocolate. He said he would have bought me flowers before, but he thought I'd be upset he spent the money, since I grow lots of flowers in my garden. (I think I did tell him that was why I didn't buy flowers.) At least he didn't go all out with OW, and only spent under $5 on her, although I'm beginning to doubt that. Flowers cost more than $5

FWH bought me a pretty bracelet when we got together the first time in R. It wasn't extravagant, but for my H, who has never bought me a piece of jewelry aside from my wedding ring, it was definitely a gesture of good will.

I quit wearing my W ring after his A. It had no meaning in my heart anymore. I told him I wanted a new one to represent his new committement. My first W r was just a band, and I chose an even narrower band after the A, but different color of metal. I really only want a ring to ward off men, but not because it actually means something special to me anymore. I chose a narrow band for two reasons: 1) easier to wear and keep clean 2) a ring really means little, if the person giving it to you doesn't keep the promise it represents.

I showed him a couple of "dinner rings" and a watch that I really liked and I figure that he can buy them for me in the future, if he ever loves me more than he loves himself. (edited to add grin)

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 11:27 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Happy  Posted: 4:42 AM, January 5th (Tuesday)

I am a BW ... never thought I would be ... I know none of us did but wtf ???

Anyway I am starting school in Feb for my LPN ... I am excited bout that ...

I am also excited to get on with my life ... get a new place after schoole decorate ect ...

I am not looking forward to dating again ... it was terrifying the 1st time around ... now there is so much more to deal with ...

I am also not looking forward to no longer being WH's wife ... I miss that a lot already ... I loved being married being a wife ...

while I was not perfect at it and our M had many faults it still was my greatest passion and I will miss it dearly ...

Not sure how much I am actually going to miss the WH though ... probably more than I think I will or will not ...

it is all still sinking in ... slowly I might add ... sometimes I think i it would be better if it all sank in right away then I could just deal with it and go on ...

but this slow trickle of realization is so painful ... I have thr truth about the A no TT there ... however WH is being very vague on where his future is going with the OW ... as they are still together ...

anyway some of my ups and downs here ... I have joined in on several threads and try to keep my profile current ... I welcome any and all responses or questions ect ...

Have a great one ladies ...

[This message edited by booger bear at 4:43 AM, January 5th (Tuesday)]


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, January 11th (Monday)

I am here also!!
Oh I just want a new life I think... I am just tired of all this.. I didn't ask to be a BS. I really think I need to make changes. Just not quite sure what that answer is..
I am tired of not trusting him to hold my heart.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3141 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, January 20th (Wednesday)

Hello All, BW here.

So many things have happened, WH and I are in R and doing well as long as the A does not come up.

He has agreed to IC and looking for a new job, so we will see if he comes through for me! Now I just have to figure out how long I give him to start making the initiative!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
crushed again
Member
Member # 26138
Sad  Posted: 3:32 PM, February 25th (Thursday)

I've seen this posted by BW's so much but it is all that is in my head lately- I want my freakin' life and family back!I have been so incredibly sad lately. Feel I'm doing DS such an injustice. I mean I'm here physically but that's about it. My 'official' d-day was early January but going on 2 months out and I find each day harder than the next. Still can't get those 2 together out of my head. Please tell me it's the winter blahs adding to things. Thought I was doing good, keeping up w/180, even getting compliments from WH lately then bam it hits me! My H slept with a WHORE- not just once either. He took her to the Grand Ffing Canyon- a dream we dreamt 'together' forever and now it will NEVER come true for us! I feel emotionally raped daily. Does the saddness EVER end?? Please tell me yes. Then when WH gets home I go back to acting and 180. So basically I spend about 9 hours a day weeping uncontrollably and then when WH is 'around' I spend the rest of the day swallowing my tears. Anyone else on here do this??
As I always say- Thank God for S.I. W/out it I don't know where I would be! A padded cell maybe??!


"Don't you worry your pretty little mind because people throw rocks at things that shine!"
~I guess living in limbo is my "new normal"- stinks!~

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!
FragileFlower
New Member
Member # 27545
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, March 14th (Sunday)

It finally happened...I'm pissed!! He was insistant that nothing happened until after Halloween and I asked, point blank, were you with her on Halloween? The TT was no, of course. Well, now I know that he was with her, and that all of the people that he had told me didn't know anything about it were there too.

I just want to eat nails and poop barbwire right now, and I believe I'm totally capable of it.

My question tonight was, "Do you know LB?" His answer, "no". I asked "are you sure? and maybe FB too/"
Him: oh, wait, maybe I remember now, yeah, they're friends of OW.I just happened to see them in a resturant with (lots of guys he works with).
Me: Was she there?
HIm: No. Well, for a little while.
Me: So you were with her on Halloween, even though you said you weren't.
Him: I thought you meant was I on a date with her...and I wasn't.
Me: Semantics
And it deteriated from there...

Why can't they just tell the truth? That's all I asked for a month ago. That's what I was trying to base the R on. But now I realize that all the engagement rings in the world can't prove to me that I can trust him.

I'm so tired....



Me-BSO 50
Him-WSO 53
DDay 12/20/09
R 1/15/10
Proposed 3/6/10
Shopped for rings 3/13/10
TT 3/14/10
Still trying...why?

Posts: 16 | Registered: Feb 2010
givemepeace
New Member
Member # 28547
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, May 24th (Monday)

Hi, I just thought I would introduce myself as I recently joined and after browsing I decided this was a good thread to start on.

We're in our 20s married less than a year and against my better judgment I have decided to stay with my WS for several reasons. They are long and drawn out but what it boils down to is the fact that he likes to be Mr. Popular and part of doing that apparently means taking me for granted, oh and group sex, and sleeping with a stripper. Or should I say whore? We are perfect for each other in every way except his infidelity. And we are expecting our first baby in September. I think I'm over the anger. I'm just sad. Sad because despite marriage counseling, I don't think there is anything he (or I) could do to fix the relationship. He broke my trust, and I fell out of love. I don't know if I believe in falling back in love but I have to try because I want my son to have parents that love and respect each other. I'm pretty lost and feeling guilty because I am afraid that the baby can feel, or be affected by, my anger and hurt.

Today I thought I was close to forgiving him. And then he opened his mouth about how much this was all hurting him and I felt my insides boil over. I know it's unrealistic to think that I'm the only person with a right to have feelings about all this but honestly, how DARE he feel like he has the right to unload his guilt onto me, trying to make me guilty for being hurt and angry.

Like I said I'm still trying, but I'm not very hopeful.


I'll never leave you, but I'll always be holding back. I might forgive you, but I'll never forget.
Him - WH / 30 / ONS with 3 of my friends, ONS with paid escort 3 days before my wedding / suspected but not confirmed A of several months

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2010 | From: The Northeast USA
notasaint
Member
Member # 28465
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, May 29th (Saturday)

Givemepeace,

I'm right there with you. Married only 5 months as of Monday and living in this hell. Should've never gotten married, there were signs before we even got engaged. My WH was in an "open" relationship prior to us dating and he bascially never stopped even though from day one I told him that's not the kind of relationship I wanted.

Don't stay for your baby, sounds like your WH isn't willing to work on things unless there's a lot more you didn't put in your story. It takes both people working very, very hard to reconcile. Good luck!


Me - BW 36
Him - FWH 38 SLA (newlywednupset)
M < 1 year
D-days 8/2009 and 4/2010 TT to 10/2010
3 OW over the course of 2 years, all older, one married.
* My husband was in an open relationship from day one, he just failed to tell ME this.*

Posts: 1048 | Registered: May 2010 | From: FL
crushed again
Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, January 11th (Tuesday)

Howdy gals! I have noticed lately that the ICR forum is usually the Menz in the betrayed men. Come on Ladies they are up to part 7. I thought us girls could start chatting it up more like the menz. So how is everyone? I'll start. Back to my dark moods. may have to up my AD's? WH & I took a great trip together right before the holidays. Everything was great til last day there. "It" called his cell from someone else's desk at work! I have all "it's" #'s blocked on his phone. WH deleted it before I could listen to the vm. She also sent him a NYE text from someone else's phone. I am so tired of this POS ruining all my good moments. Also tired of me letting her! Take care ladies.


"Don't you worry your pretty little mind because people throw rocks at things that shine!"
~I guess living in limbo is my "new normal"- stinks!~

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, January 15th (Saturday)

@ Crushed Again ~ I don't understand why she is contacting your husband? Has he told her not to contact him?

If she is harassing your husband, have you informed her husband (if she is married) of the affair?

Have you thought about getting a restraining order? I know that is a difficult step, but it seems like she is trying her darndest to destroy whatever healing and restoring the two of you build.

I do hope you find a cure for this interference!


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 391 | Registered: Jan 2011
crushed again
Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, January 16th (Sunday)

fromthisdayfwd - yes NC has been established more than once. No ow has no SO to out her to. That's problem #1. Another problem is I think WH is afraid to admit that ow#2 is just as psycho as ow#1! We did get a RO against her after a whole year of misery. Everyone says don't let "her" win but right now I am ready to send him over to the psycHO!! Then I'll win some peace of mind! ETA; thanx for joining the BW thread!


"Don't you worry your pretty little mind because people throw rocks at things that shine!"
~I guess living in limbo is my "new normal"- stinks!~

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, January 16th (Sunday)

It sure sounds like you have a C-R-A-Z-Y on your hands...and that isn't helping anything!

Have you considered moving? I know that is a HUGE step and I wouldn't want to have to consider it myself; however, in your circumstances it seems like it may be a reasonable thing to consider.

Change phone numbers?...email addresses, etc.?

I am so glad that our OW and her husband have stopped harassing us. It had continued for months. Her husband even went to my husband's "highest up" boss and insisted my husband be fired! Thank God the big bosses shut him down! They told him that if that were the case that his wife needed fired as well, AND that if he did not stop the harassment that they would make sure my husband had legal representation against his personal harassment!

Again, Thank God!


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 391 | Registered: Jan 2011
Ex-BFF
New Member
Member # 30142
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, January 16th (Sunday)

I agree about the full moon...yesterday all I did was cry HYSTERICALLY even though we were celebrating my DS birthday with my family and my WH family...managed to pull it together for DS sake...didn't really cry today, but it's still early (LOL)


BS Me (49)
WH (51)
Married 24 years
2 DD (19, 14)
1 DS (22)
Dday 11/10/10 EA with my "Best friend across street"
Second Dday 12/26/10 Merry Christmas!

Posts: 45 | Registered: Nov 2010
crushed again
Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, January 16th (Sunday)

fromthisdayfwd-
Wish we could move but not possible. Yes crazy sucks. I did call her supervisor yet again to let her know that this idiot is now making calls from someone else's desk while they are at lunch! Found out she is also using the general "wall phone". "I" do not have my car insurance w\the co. she works for. Problem is she has all our info from past files. I am glad to hear your H's boss handled the sitch well. Finally someone with work ethic morals! I think more places need to follow up on their employees immoral behaviour!


"Don't you worry your pretty little mind because people throw rocks at things that shine!"
~I guess living in limbo is my "new normal"- stinks!~

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, January 28th (Friday)

Interesting about the full moon...I checked and the first time my husband had sex with her (I am sure you guessed by now!) it was the night of the full moon. I also checked on my dDay. It was the day before the fullest moon.

I don't claim to understand it but I do believe there is something to be said for the moon affecting us.

Has anyone else checked the phase of the moon against their timeline?


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 391 | Registered: Jan 2011
so-crushed
Member
Member # 29137
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, February 6th (Sunday)

D-day Memorial Day weekend, 2010.

2 PA/EA's, ending back in the 2004 timeframe; 1st EA/PA started in '98. Unsure of where that one ended and 2nd EA/PA started.

Working on R, with MC and WH is in IC as well.

Over the past 7 months, I find that I will literally startle myself awake if I've dozed off and he has his arm around me. I get a quick image of him with "them".

If I doze off and he's not touching me, I'm fine.

He's very remorseful and lets me talk and ask questions. Yes, the mind movies are not happening near as frequently, but these "jumping out of my skin" events ... what the hell?

I asked him this morning if they got all "dolled up" during their little trysts. He says nope...not that it matters, guess that I am still trying to piece the pieces together. Still think it's wierd that they'd have their "K-Mart" undies on while getting together and making that supposed "great first impression". Told WH that sure as shit I'd get all dolled up for a "date" and not in any granny-panties...

MC says that she's concerned about me, that I'm trying to "undo" progress that WH and I have made as a means of protecting myself.

With the EA/PA so far in the past, I'm having a very hard time piecing the puzzle together and figuring out how I could have missed the "signs".

Truly broken.


Me - BS, 49
Him - WH, 49
Married 19yrs
D-Day, 5/29/10
1st A - EA/PA, 1998-2003(??) Long Distance
2nd A - PA, 2003-2004(??) Local

"You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul"


Posts: 187 | Registered: Jul 2010
shattered123
Member
Member # 27843
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, February 9th (Wednesday)

Good afternoon ladies. I also have been having a terrible time in the past few days, antiversary month this month. Flashbacks, panic attacks. FWH acting like an ass. Nice to see there is a forum for only us here. And I certainly need people to talk to. No one IRL who I can share with...

Posts: 2590 | Registered: Mar 2010
wanttobeloved
Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, February 11th (Friday)

I have had some very difficult days and my eyes hurt from all the crying. I keep believing that it gets better and that I will be happy again soon.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
DTaC
Member
Member # 30711
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, February 11th (Friday)

Hi girls.
I, too, am sad today. Mostly mope around the house and sigh over what my life turned out to be sad. I'm sad that I missed/ignored the signs I saw before we were married. I'm sad that I was gaslighted and thought that I was the problem.

(((hugs))) to everyone out there.


Tired and Confused

DDay august 2006
TT DDay 1-12-11


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: NJ
cannot forget
Member
Member # 30759
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, February 12th (Saturday)

Also having bad day. H says he will stop drinking, but I'm still not sure it will ever happen. I started AlAnon and getting a lot out of it. I look forward to my meetings. Hope this is one time he's actually being honest. Only time will tell, but in the meantime I am getting myself stronger and although I love him and want my marriage I cannot stay in this kind of marriage. I looked for rehabs and told him about them, but know I finally realize he has to do this for himself. Thanks to all of you for listening and good luck to all of us!


WH46
BW45
3DD
MOW49 2.5yr LTA
married 24yrs
DD12/27/2009

Posts: 52 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Ct
wanttobeloved
Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, February 15th (Tuesday)

I have been readin a lot about infidelity and that a flirtatious person or a charmer are more capable of cheating because of thier personality, and that cheaters are good liars because of trying to keep what they are doing a secret.

If that is the case than how and why should I beleive anything H says about anything, he lies about the ONS for two years by not saying anything.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
misled1001
Member
Member # 30736
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, February 18th (Friday)

I am here...



Posts: 592 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Michigan
sanity
Member
Member # 31281
Frustrated  Posted: 1:01 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday)

Hey all!
The thing that gets me is that for affairs to be so rampant in our society, why do we feel that we have to hide in chat rooms. you know - we're alomost at a point where there are support groups for support groups. That is except for BS's. Where I live (50,000 people) there is not 1 support group. I'm sure there must be some sort of underground thing going on. I find myself looking at people and wondering "are you the 1 in 2?" If anyone knows of a secret handshake then please let me know!


Me 50, WH 50 - 1 teen son - Brief EA '89, #2 EA/PA - Ran over 4yrs. DD Nov '10. He fell in love. Huge need for admiration more than anything else. It's not the trek to the top of the mountain that stops you. It's the pebble in your shoe.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Feb 2011
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, March 21st (Monday)

New to this thread. 8 months out and having a tough week. R going well.
I have a question for you all,
I finally told the mow's bs about the A 4mo's ago. We traded a few emails. I told him i would send him records, but haven't done it. It's been quiet.
I find myself wanting to contact him, check on him, maybe i'm fishing to see where they are at? Anyone in same boat or been there or offer advice?
I'd like to be done obsessing, but alas...


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 850 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, March 21st (Monday)

I would let sleeping dogs lie. They might be R'ing, D'ing...who knows. If he hasn't reached out, I wouldn't either.

I haven't talked to OW's BH in almost 3 yrs and still once in a VERY blue moon think it'd be interesting to get his take on what he thinks of things that his x-WW and my XWH do with all the kids now (XH and OW are still together and we're all divorced b/c of their affair). I would never call him in a million yrs, but I get being curious.


BW, divorced: 03/09


Posts: 14252 | Registered: Jun 2008
mostlymine
Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, March 31st (Thursday)

Unfortunately I'm a new member of this club. I found out 2 1/2 weeks ago. I'm having a hard time. We have R but he works with OW and has to talk with her every day to get his job done. He told me he still loves her. Their relationship was only 2 months long and they only slept together 3 times... one of those times in OUR bed. Half the time I want to beat him and call him names. The other times I want to hold him tight and not let him out of my sight. I freaked out a couple of days ago when I saw him on his work laptop. From his emails I was able to find out that they would instant message on the computer while I was in the house. I worry constantly that things are going to go back to the way they were. Everyone he/we know were shocked at what he did. He is not the kind of person to cheat. When we got married 8 years ago cheating was the one thing we agreed on that would end our marriage. I have forgiven him but he is still being selfish and only thinking about himself.


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, March 31st (Thursday)

Hey all!
The thing that gets me is that for affairs to be so rampant in our society, why do we feel that we have to hide in chat rooms. you know - we're alomost at a point where there are support groups for support groups. That is except for BS's. Where I live (50,000 people) there is not 1 support group. I'm sure there must be some sort of underground thing going on. I find myself looking at people and wondering "are you the 1 in 2?" If anyone knows of a secret handshake then please let me know!

Good point! You could always set up a support group - check out the BAN website for support if this idea appeals.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
bumbed
Member
Member # 31024
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, April 2nd (Saturday)

Just need to ramble and get rid of some of the frustration and fear.

I am generally strong about most things but just can't seem to pick myself up from the knowledge of I was disposable and not good enough. Not even worth the effort.

There don't know if I feel better after that but I just feel in limbo. Generally the past few days have been OK My sister cam and she has been helping me get organized and on with my life. Don't know why but she decided the place to start was with his stuff. She now has it all packed on bags. I cried and thought she took something away from me but you know she didn't he did.

I called him a few days ago about the cottage payment and it wasn't a good time for him. He fumbled with the phone and I heard her in the back ground asking who it was and he lied and told her "i don't know" and called me back later asking what I wanted? I guess he truely is a liar.

I so much want to be done with this but can't seem to find my way through it.

Thanks for listening and I will try and get me together to face tomorrow.


I rather suspect like all the worst things in life, making sense of it will not happen.


25 year relationship D day 1/28/11
The we door is closed but the ME doors are opening


Posts: 471 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: a better place in Michiagn
Faithsurviver
Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, April 9th (Saturday)

Hello,

I have been posting for a few months now but first time in the BW forum.

I've been D now since the end of Oct 2010, xwh didn't want to even try R, even though I had NO idea he was unhappy! Instead of talking to me about his "unhappiness", he chose to have an A because he claimed that he had tried to talk to me and I didn't listen. What saddens me it that I don't recall him ever trying to talk to me. He didn't give me any credit

I am doing so much better since a year ago, but I still have my not-so-good days occasionally

I still love him, but he is toxic and needs counseling for what our MC/IC points out as having NPD. He left 12/09, informing me that he was going to file, but I decided to file first because I needed to take control of what I deemed an out-of-control situation he had created.

At the beginning of 2011, I decided that I had had enough of the anger and bitterness that was inside me, so I contacted him asking for a meeting with no expectations, just talking with no "walls of defense" up anymore (something that he had always had around me and others because he has really never trusted anyone )
The chat has turned into chats every week or so, and we are getting along better, opening up about our issues, and starting to listen to each other, or so I think

Time will tell, but I am getting to the point where I don't know if he will ever want to look at himself and heal/change, and I don't know if I want to stick around to see


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
purplebreeze
Member
Member # 31611
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, April 9th (Saturday)

So many new members, myself included. With the high estimates of affairs in the U.S. there must be many more.

I found out 12 weeks ago. It seems and eternity, but just yesterday. He doesn't understand why I feel betrayed since it never progressed to physical affair. We had our 40th anniversary last december and all seemed well, by mid January, I was in the pits and have been climbing out ever since.


me 64
WH 65
married 44 years
DD Jan 16 2011

Posts: 346 | Registered: Mar 2011
Bluebells
Member
Member # 31776
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, April 17th (Sunday)

I'm in this club, too. I'm doing better at NC, though I've met up with WH the last two days. He tells me he wants our marriage, but is yet to go NC with his EA/PA. He is playing stupid, like he doesn't understand NC (I have detailed it for him in writing, in list form). It is really, really irritating. Most days, now, I don't want our M, but it is still so sad and I miss what I thought I had before this so much.


DDday: March 1, 2011
BW(me): 27
WH: 36
Married June 2009, together 8 years
OW: ongoing EA/PA, started October 2010
Separated March 24, 2011
Divorced Summer 2012
Signed D paperwork end of March, 2012; currently waiting for certificate that D is

Posts: 316 | Registered: Apr 2011
bestbecameworst
Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)

6 months in, my moods fluctuate. I don't really want a kiss from him. I get drunk and have sex with him. I don't really want to be with him but I don't really want to be without him either.
In limbo, it sucks, and I'm very paranoid too. Trying not to be.


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile. Planning separation.

Posts: 590 | Registered: Mar 2011
seeker2010
Member
Member # 31552
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)

Having a bit of a bad run of it. We're in another of those phases where there is no depth of affection. He pretends and I know he's pretending. It might have to do with an email i received that was sent back to me from someone whom I told of the EA. He doesn't know I've read it and it wasn't a nice discovery to find out what he's saying to people about what happened. More about that in the R thread. I feel betrayed and betrayed and betrayed over and over and over again. This is not good nor healthy.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2011
lostwithoutyou
Member
Member # 29053
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)

Hi.
Not new to the "betrayed" prefix.
Just had a new betrayal discovery.
Not a good weekend for me by a long shot.


Finally found peace.
Finally found myself.

It's been a long, rough road.
Glad there was a pot of gold.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: In an empire state of mind
hurtbutmending
Member
Member # 31655
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)

Bluebells,
Maybe you should try what I did. I told my H, if you even want a chance no more, and handed him the phone. He knew that meant nothing, no texting, no talking, no meeting, nothing at all!

If a H really wants R and M, then they will know what has to be done.


BS(me)
FWH(him)
MOW insignificant
married 25 years
2 grown children
DDay Oct 4 2009
R - trying


Trusted too much!


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Finding myself again
twistedupinside
Member
Member # 26179
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)

Chiming in with all of the other betrayed women here. I haven't really gone through this forum area before and saw this so I am doing a shout out!

The last month for me with WS has been such a downward spiral up until two nights ago when he left. Yes, he came back already, almost broke his foot and is banged up. All from camping out behind a store in the woods and having to jump a fence to do so. He's really childish.

When I'd posted about this and saw what others said on it, I really really got to thinking and digging on some information. I have had a few light bulb moments since yesterday on not just him, but myself.

I think I am codependent. So, for me, my journey begins here with me on working on myself more. I've been able to do 180's, just not keep to them for very long. I react and get depressed and then crap happens all over again simply because I feel devalued by him. When in fact, I need to separate that idealization because it's not realistic.

So this is where I'm currently at and what I'm doing. R? Screw it. We still have the lease to finish out here, that's fine. I'm doing things to work on me and to get MY life back. He has known for the last year, without a doubt, what I needed to heal. So he can try or not. Either way I'm moving right along and getting my help.

So that's where I'm at currently.


me:47 him: 49
Dday #1: 09/30/09
Dday #2: 07/24/10 Trickled Truth
R begins 07/21/11
No it's not holding a grudge, it's called making a list and remembering everything so when it's my turn to drive the karma bus I know who to run over!

Posts: 513 | Registered: Nov 2009
rcantbleveit
Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, May 8th (Sunday)

Browneyedgirl, I know exactly how you feel. It's so hard to believe that my H moved out of our home into OW's home and basically replaced me, my son and grandson. His sons are spending more time with him than ever but it has everything to do with the OW buying them everything they want & taking themn on awesome vacations with partying all the time. I miss my family so much. My son says let him go. they're more angry than me. His sons quit talking to me because they don't want anything to do mess up their new gig. This part of life just sucks but we will all get through it and be better people in the end.....

Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2010
nothereorthere
Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, May 9th (Monday)

Something has bugged me for a long time now. My FWH seems like a different person to me after the A. His personality seems different, even his laugh. It's like I'm not even married to the same person anymore. How many others feel like their spouse is a totally different person after the A then you married? It's like being with someone with split personality, and you find yourself wondering if this is his real self. Or, a different personality won out. Does anyone else feel this way? Sometimes I feel like I'm living with a stranger.

[This message edited by nothereorthere at 12:56 PM, May 9th (Monday)]


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
wounded heart
Member
Member # 31764
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, May 21st (Saturday)

Well, no offense but I'd rather be joining AARP than this group (I'm only 46). My world has fallen apart, my FWH has been patient and mindful of the hurt he has caused, he hasn't been in contact with OW but she has tried recently to contact him.
I'm so sick of my life being about his selfish, immature, loathsome behavior with some foulmouthed, sex starved, whoring skank!
I'm tired of wondering where I am lacking, if I'm crazy for thinking he won't do it any, of wanting to beat the crap out of her until I'm too tired to hit her any more, of not sleeping, of gaining all the weight I had lost back and then some because I'm comfort eating, and of wondering if he came back because he loves me or because he found out she wasn't even as good as I was.
28 years, with the exception of our wonderful DSs, what was it all for?

[This message edited by wounded heart at 7:20 PM, May 21st (Saturday)]


The only one I have to answer to the Lord for is me.
BS- me, 46
WS- husband of 28 yrs
Phone, internet and then physical affair with his best friend's wife.
D-Day Jan. 11
Attempting Reconciliation

Posts: 118 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: AL
shangri-la
Member
Member # 31971
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, May 31st (Tuesday)

I don't really know where to post these days. I'm just so so so sad. It's been a few months still D-day and I still can't believe my so called best friend (WH( would do this to me, and IS doing it to me.

He started the A in january and has since left me to be with OW. He says he wants to be friends, but I don't really know how that works...would I be friends with anyone who kept lying to me, and who so casually threw me away?

What I really don't understand is, if he was so unhappy, why didn't he leave me in a kind way? I wouldn't want to bind any body who wanted to be free, but I don't understand why he had to do this whole thing in such a hurtful, messy way.

I guess I'm doing ok - I'm craving, positively CRAVING, like going crazy for that connection that we once had.
That part is very hard. I think I will always love him, which is weird in itself because he has proven himself to be such a jerk.

IT SUCKS


M 7years
WH 35
me, BW 34
dd 2/9/2011
separated
"Time shall unfold what plighted cunning hides:
Who cover faults, at last shame them derides."

Posts: 556 | Registered: Apr 2011
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 31st (Tuesday)

shangri-la:

Although my husband didn't end up leaving me physically he left me mentally and emotionally.

I told him that if he would have just helped me to move out and get started it would have all been over by now. I guess we would both be on a new path better or not. But he wouldn't. He was mean and unnessarily cruel to me and for that I can not forgive.

I've been married to this person for 38 years and moving out on my own without a job was devestating to say the least. I was as prepared as I could possibly be, but scared to death.

He pushed me off on his bother and his so-called friend and abandoned me. I was struggling to care for my mother who has since died.

I can understand how people fall out of love with someone, but when you have been together for so many years you are like family.

So we have stayed together, and he seems happy enough as long as he hasn't had too much to drink which is every day. He is an alcoholic and says that he would rather be dead than stop drinking.

I don't have any answers. I just know I stayed because I thought is was best for me at the time. That was back in 2008, June. I hate the entire summer because that is when his A started or at least kicked in to higher gear.

We need a betrayed women's cruise.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
wanttobeloved
Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, June 17th (Friday)

I vote cruise, I am so exhausted from his lies and all the things he claims he is doing to help me, which for some strange reason I do not see.

I am 7 mos from dday and still have ups and downs but I feel I am making progress on my own.

I am in this until I cannot take anymore of his lies and it feels like it is soon.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
blindsidedwife23
New Member
Member # 32539
Sad  Posted: 10:12 PM, June 22nd (Wednesday)

I moved out and my H and I are getting a divorce. He's been lying to me all these time and it's so obvious that he met someone else!! (He's super shady). I am not going to lie, I am so hurt!!! For 8 years, he was a good and loving husband and now he cheats.

He just one day dropped the bomb that he's unhappy...he wants different things and he doesn't want to see MC. That's it! He wants out...I tried to reason with him but I got fed up.

How could a person be so cruel and cold and throw away a relationship (I thought we were happy). I know its going to be difficult -- but I walked away!


One day I just realized he was gone for good -- and it was okay.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Manhattan, NY
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, June 22nd (Wednesday)

nothereorthere...Right there with you. Before he was worried I'd leave him, told me he loved me, was protective of me.

Now? Not so much.

Have told him that I miss the old him.




Posts: 30714 | Registered: Mar 2011
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, June 22nd (Wednesday)

((blindsided))

How could a person be so cruel and cold and throw away a relationship (I thought we were happy). I know its going to be difficult -- but I walked away!

I thought WH and I were happy too. I think many of us here on SI didn't realize there were issues we didn't even know about.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
blindsidedwife23
New Member
Member # 32539
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, July 1st (Friday)

MYHEARTSTILLHURT I know....I am so hurt!!! He was so good to me and then became a jerk.

He just met the OW...and he practically gave up everything for her...our marriage, his parents trust...gone! but, he didn't care..he said its his life.


One day I just realized he was gone for good -- and it was okay.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Manhattan, NY
rcantbleveit
Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, July 12th (Tuesday)

Hello Blindsided, I went through the same thing. We had a good life. My H was wonderful to me. He looked at me as if I were the only person in the room. He couldn't keep his hands off of me. He told me every day & night how much he loved me.

He met OW and within 5 months, decided to throw away our years together. He with the help of OW changed our home from painting the walls, buying new furniture, pictures, curtains, etc.... I've been erased from it.

Whenever he comes to town, we get together (no sex) but we are glued together. I forgive him and I still love him.

My life is good but I miss him every day. Some days seem to be a fog of nothing, others seem hopeful.

It's been a year since finding out about OW but the hurt is still strong. The D was final in March. I can't see us not being together, not reconciling.

Friends and family can't understand why I would ever want him back. He was my best friend. He was a wonderful husband. I hear that he's not happy with her but he still doesn't come back.

He said that I would never trust him again so there was no point in trying because we would just end up divorced in 2 or 3 yrs.

I'm told it takes about 2 years to get over this. Reading other's stories helps to know, there are people who get it. It also gives you strength to keep going.


Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2010
insecure
New Member
Member # 26851
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 21st (Friday)

Just found this forum. Haven't read through a lot of the posts yet, just saying hello to everyone. My WH has been off and on with the same OW for the past two years. I am so tired of the games. He keeps saying he wants to be with me, and then she stars chasing him around again and he can't seem to tell her no or stay away when she does. Just this past weekend he was with her. We've hardly spoken to each other all week. He says he doesn't know what's the matter with him. I'm just tired of it all.


“Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.”
― Henry Rollins

Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2009
invictus
Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, October 21st (Friday)

Every so often I kick myself, because of all the betrayal, maybe it is me who betrayed me the most. I just BELIEVED I was married to a good man, an honest, steadfast and loyal man. I refused to believe otherwise, even when it would creep up and tap me on the shoulder...

When it hit me between the eyes, I realized I'd been living in my very own fantasy and doing pretty darn well at it! Still... looking back, the timing was no worse (or better) than it could have been. Everything has worked out for the best, for me, anyway.

I'm not hurting anymore. I don't feel inadequate anymore. I only feel angry on occasion now... mostly I'm just annoyed at thoughtlessness and shrug it off.

Still... I'm a betrayed woman.

The best lesson I've learned is to NEVER lie to myself.


♥ One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, October 21st (Friday)

Don't know where to start really except to say that obviously I belong here too.

Trying to move out of victim mode into survivor mode and starting afresh. How do you dust off 25 years though? That is half my life. My ex seems to have managed it though. He threw away his family and can't seem to understand why I still feel angry. I'm making at attempt to be positive and I have hope that I will soon move into a new beginning.


Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
InLoveWithMyBFF
New Member
Member # 33695
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, October 22nd (Saturday)

My biggest challenge is to stop making snide comments.

My fear is that he will leave me.

I love this man more than anything in the world, and I am willing to do anything, so this earth-shattering situation will never happen to me again.

I know that I can do it, but I need encouragement and love. Good luck everyone. Everyone deserves honesty and faithfulness. I love you all. PM me anytime to talk.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Oklahoma
TooHurtToStay
New Member
Member # 33701
Sad  Posted: 3:58 PM, October 22nd (Saturday)


Hi ladies, I'm so glad I found this website, thank God for Google.
I filed for divorce after a month of finding out, fueled by anger and hurt, but now the sadness and hurt have flooded in. I am in mourning and it's so hard because I still love him so much. I am so worried that I'm making a mistake by divorcing so soon. He swears it was an EA only, has confessed his lies, but I know I won't be able to trust him again, if ever.
I have been crying alot, secluding myself to allow myself feel the pain and despite all the hurt and pain, I miss US, and him so much. He still texts me and I text him about our feelings which makes it even harder. I am sooo confused and sad!

[This message edited by TooHurtToStay at 4:01 PM, October 22nd (Saturday)]


BS-48
WS-45
D will be final in April 2012
1 teenage son

Posts: 5 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: California
feeling bi polar
Member
Member # 31086
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, October 22nd (Saturday)

Hello to all.

I belong here too. unfortunately the list keeps growing.
I have to deal with depression, surviver of SA, anger anxiety (mine).


In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life — It goes on. —Robert Frost

Posts: 196 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: VA
blindsidedwife23
New Member
Member # 32539
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, November 6th (Sunday)

I filed for divorce last month and while I am struggling financially and I feel that my life is out of order, I know I did the right thing.

I cannot be with him anymore! I don't want to hear his lies :'-( I am in so much pain and I am so afraid of the future!

I would love to have a family, i would love to be a mother (I just turned 30) and I feel so insecure that no one would like to date me because I am divorced at a young age :(

I know for sure that it will take me so much effort to trust again.


One day I just realized he was gone for good -- and it was okay.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Manhattan, NY
npain
Member
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, November 6th (Sunday)

Im still on the sidelines trying to decide what to do now. he claims things are over with the OW. but they had a 4 year affair, which is almost half of my marriage. I don't know if I can get past that. Our finances are such a mess because he used one of our credit cards and spent thousands of dollars on her. In fact he spent more on her in the 4 years that he spent on me in our 10 year marriage. And it was MY money considering that I am the breadwinner in the home! What's worse is that he is still not remoreseful, is blameshifting and rugsweeping like crazy and lying like a rug since he won't even touch the fact that he may be addicted to porn in addition to the affair. I'm not going into a new year like this, being on the fence is excruciating! HELP!


S,beginning D

Posts: 507 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, November 7th (Monday)

I have never belonged to so many groups with people like me in my whole life- I too am joining this one.

I read some of the posts and wanted to relate to them first.

Insecure- The best thing for you at this moment IMHO is to go NC with WH and change the locks. Take charge of your life. You are woman and you are strong

Invictus- This reminded me of how I felt. I also felt I had betrayed myself because I accepted he was tied up at work and stressed. That was all true what he didn't tell me was how he was dealing with the stress.

I not only betrayed myself, I lost myself. He said I was crazy In away I was I believed him over my gut.

Confessing his A has changed many things for me and the best one is I am back. I am who he tried to bury. I am my own woman and his BS and I like me again.

Ellejay- My heart breaks for you. I have been with FWS 25 years to. From your post it sounds like your ex turned your world upside down and didn't give you time to adjust or even figure things out before he spun it on its axis.

This may seem silly but everyday I stood in front of a full length mirror naked and repeated to myself I am beautiful. At first I'd look and all I could see was my body- lumps, stretch marks, saddle thighs, sagging boobs and wrinkles. I still kept at it and finally I saw the beautiful me I was looking for. I didn't look with dismay at my body. I grew to appreciate what I saw. Stretch marks=2 big baby boys. saddle thighs=desk job well paid for,sagging boobs=strong boys and last was the wrinkles=In Japan wrinkles are signs of wisdom= I am getting smarter everyday.

Then I started taking better care of myself. Hiarcut, manicures, lunch with friends.

Getting started in the morning is still hard some days so I have a little notebook in mty kitchen and I write a short sentence or two. ie: Notice the leaves color, smell my roses,smile once every hour. again I know these are silly but if I can start my day with a simple pleasure I have a better day.


Me

Posts: 794 | Registered: Apr 2010
iamsurviving
Member
Member # 23478
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, November 9th (Wednesday)

Need to vent –

I found out 12/16/07 my H was having an EA (I thought at the time) through a minimized email. I confronted H that afternoon and had him call OW (which I thought was the only OW at that time) and tell OW I wanted to meet with her. I told H to tell OW she had a choice – she could meet me where I asked or I would meet her at work the next day and cause quite a scene. She met me at a local restaurant with my H in tow. I confronted her and she acted like they were just brother and sister. My H couldn’t lift his head up he was so ashamed (or that’s what he said at the time). She looked like something out of a magazine and I am a nature girl – not any makeup except for lipstick and eye shadow. I’m not a jewelry person either – a wedding ring, a pair of earrings and a necklace – that’s it. OW was dressed to kill and had a very soft voice and at a point even tried to reach across to touch my H’s hand when I said about my H worrying about her. Not a lot was said that evening because I didn’t know much then but over the next 3 years and 300 emails I was to learn a lot more. I learned H bought her sausage biscuits, candy, Christmas presents and a lunch date. When I asked H was OW in his office he adamantly said no. I asked H was he in her car or she in his car and he adamantly said no. I asked did he kiss her or did she kiss him. He adamantly said no. I asked did he touch her in any way – H said adamantly no. While sitting at a pizza place one day when we had the computer with us I asked H to humor me and check to see if he had any emails on his computer from OW. He said he swore he had none. We found 100 more emails. I read one of them at the pizza place that said H was glad they were taking this ‘thing’ out of the office. Some of the emails H said to OW “sweet dreams”, office wife, hot number, best girl and more stuff like that. OW even at one time said at one time when H was late coming to work she was afraid he had another office romance (LOL). OW stayed on at the job for another year which was hell on me but H swore there was no contact. Having dinner 3 years later with some friends the couple said did you know OW had a sister that worked with her too at the same place as your H. I didn’t say anything but when we got in the car I asked my H did he know OW had a sister and he again said NO. That didn’t set with me at all and I let it go for a couple of days and then when we were outside working on something I said, you know that just doesn’t make sense to me at all that you didn’t know OW had a sister. It was a couple of hours later when H finally admitted he knew OW had a sister. When I asked him why he didn’t tell me H said – he didn’t want me to think he was keeping up to date with what was happening with OW since she left the state to be with her husband. I blew a cork because I knew there was a lot more than met the eye to all of this. Over the next two weeks (which was just October of 2011) a lot more came out – OW was not the only OW. There were 2 other OW. The first OW was in 2001 and H was reprimanded for sexual harrrassment because H was ‘bopthering” this woman for one year – meanwhile this first OW (which I’ll call “A”) was accepting gifts from my H – flowers, wine, candy, a visit to her house not once but twice), daily compliments and much more. I even found out he met her for lunch as well and invited her for dinner on a nite that he knew I would be out. He even went as far as to buy her a necklace. He stopped by her house on a Saturday when he was supposed to be a Lowe’s buying supplies while I waited home for him. He hugged this first OW in the parking lot, raced to work to get there before her (and even had an accident because he was going to fast and ran into another car). He walked her to the parking lot – they walked out together but yet she filed a sexual harassment report on him. Not once now I found out but twice. H even held her hands when her hands were cold and she let him. And she files an harassment report on him – what am I missing. I know there’s more to this as well but I’m reeling from learning that H had 3 affairs (2 PA and 1 EA). Found out more about EA which became a PA before OW(we will call her C) left the office and the state. She had implants and liked to talk about sex a lot so in the office, in the hallway she supposedly asked my H did he want to feel her implants and of course H said yes and so she put his hand on her breast. She also grabbed his hand as they passed in the hallway. I asked H to swear on the bible with my wedding ring that he had not kissed her – well, he swore on the bible but it was all a lie. He was in her car, she was in his office, he did kiss her and she did kiss him. It was a matter of time (very short time) when they would have been in a hotel somewhere or the back seat of her car. Now I find out that he gave OW (#C) mistletoe from our home that was in our Christmas box. H gave it to OW #C along with a teddy bear to watch over her and some ferroro rochet (which is the only candy I eat) The middle OW (which we will call B) was a waitress at a pizza place that H visited often and she was having martial problems so H helped her find an private eye to help her and bought her some candy and she reciprocated with a hug for H being so helpful. The TT are horrible and have been coming in and out for the last 2 weeks. Iam devastated – cry all the time, can’t think straight, can focus. We did speak to our pastor and H did come clean with him which shocked the hell out of me but that’s not the end of it. I took my wedding ring completely off and my necklace as well – we were robbed twice and everything got stolen from me – all my jewelry which wasn’t much but now I find out H gave a necklace to one woman, candy that I like to another one and the lies are just continuous. H no longer works there anymore – H retired last week but not before I got my say in with the one woman who is still working there. I let her know what a sleaze bag she was and also told OW#C’s H and told her about his sleaze bag. I am so sorry to vent all of this but I’m at my wits end – I don’t expect any feedback – I just needed to vent – we are married 45 years – I’m 65 years old – where do I go from here – H is so beside himself – H is remorseful – completely and has done everything possible to make this work and wants to make it work – H wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I’m just numb with pain and the fact that he lied so much and now stole from our Christmas box a box of mistletoe to give to his girlfriend #C. I’m so sorry for this long post but I just needed to get it out of my system and wanted to vent so bad b/c I sure don’t look good in stripes or orange. Thanks for listening and being there and thank God for SI. God bless all here and hopefully happy days ahead.


Me: BS (61)
Him: WH (64
Married: 41 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2009
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, November 9th (Wednesday)

Dallas, you are truly an inspiration.

iamsurviving:
I have been married to my cheating husband 39 years tomorrow Nov. 10th.

In 2008 when he was turning 60 he claims to have had a mid-life crisis. Didn't want to get old and all the bull shit that goes along with that happened.

He started dating the dry cleaning woman where we had taken our clothes for the last 20 years. He bought himself a Corvette and only came home from work long enough to change clothes and fly out the door. I watched as this man change into a complete monster. He was cruel and punishing to me. My story like so many others is not anything special.

We did not end in divorce, we are more like roomates now. I will never be able to trust him again. I have spent my entire adult life with this man that I should have never trusted in the first place.

I'm now struggling to find myself again. Some days are just better than others. But I guess that is life.

I don't want to start over at 62 so I guess I will just consider that this is the best place for me for now.

Sometimes you just need a place to vent so you don't explode.

[This message edited by heart_in_a_blend at 11:12 AM, November 9th (Wednesday)]


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
iamsurviving
Member
Member # 23478
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, November 16th (Wednesday)

Having mind movies constantly - Lord, when do they ever go away or do they? Still haven't put my wedding ring back on my hand - and after 45 years I haven't never taken it off - this is hurting me worse than anything. Also haven't put necklace back on since I found out H bought a necklace for other woman - anybody else having problems like this - my heart hurts so bad - can't seem to get over this or through it - it's like a bad penny - always there. God bless all here. Thanks for the time to vent.


Me: BS (61)
Him: WH (64
Married: 41 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2009
insecure
New Member
Member # 26851
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, August 24th (Friday)

This is not really a reply to anything, just something on my mind. There was an incident that occured a little over twenty years ago. I mentioned to WH, what I believed to be true. He said not possible. Well as it turns out it was true. He has a daughter born a couple months after our middle daugther. He says to me one day, the young lady in question is my daughter. I replied, so you're saying you got so and so (being polite here) pregnant a couple months after you got me prenant. He made no reply. I don't think he expected that response. Turns out, I've heard through the grapevine so to speak that he did actually get a DNA test done. I sit here all day and just think of all the things he has done to me over the past thirty years of our marriage, which apparently meant/means nothing to him. I am bitter, angry, and have no trust for anyone. He seems to think that all should be well between us. Contantly remembering things that make me angry/hurt, just keeps playing in my head like a bad movie.

[This message edited by insecure at 11:23 AM, August 24th (Friday)]


“Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.”
― Henry Rollins

Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2009
insecure
New Member
Member # 26851
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, August 24th (Friday)

iamsurving:
Yep I have mind movies too. I destroyed my wedding ring, after, at the time, 28 years I couldn't get it off without destroying it. Wandering H had to cut it off, and then says you destroyed that didn't you? I said no, actually you did. A week later he bought me a new ring. I still haven't put it on, and that was almost two years ago. The more I think about things, and realize that he lied to me about things, the more hurt and angry I get. Glad I found this site at least I have a place to share my feelings with people who understand just how much it hurts to be betrayed by the one person in the world who should be there for you no matter what. Hang in there. (((((big hugs)))))


“Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.”
― Henry Rollins

Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2009
n0tm3
Member
Member # 37884
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, January 29th (Tuesday)

It looks like no one has posted in a while. I feel like I am in limbo. I still love him. I am scared to trust him again. To even begin to think that I can trust him again because I am scared that he will do this again when times get tough. Like right now as we try to heal and R.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 44
DDay #1: 12/17/12; OW 46 married 22
years
DDay #2 2/1/13 EA 6 years ago for 2 weeks with a married college friend through FB
Married 17 years, together 20 years
3 kids; 6,12,15
R trying both IC and MC

Posts: 206 | Registered: Dec 2012
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)

I am not in R, but I do know we give our trust to people UNTIL they prove themselves not worthy of that trust.

He broke your trust, he needs to EARN your trust from now on. How he does that is between you and him. And I think YOU need to be the one to set those trust boundaries.

If any one of our friends betrayed our trust, we would be very leery about trusting them again. Time would tell us if they were remorseful, and working on being a better friend to us in order to earn their way back into our inner circle of trust.

Why should our spouses/SO be any different?

Just because we have years invested in the relationship, doesn't mean they get a pass on destroying our trust... life doesn't work that way. Even if they want it to.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Jeyana
Member
Member # 38464
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, February 23rd (Saturday)

I have been thinking, being betrayed in this way, is like being shot in the chest, gaping almost fatal wound. And when it just starts to heal..i dig my finger into that hole..making sure it cannot heal. Why do I do that? I have moments of rage..where I want to fight someone, anyone, everyone. I want to take on the world and wreak havoc. I have moments where I beat myself up, if I had left long ago it might have ended sooner, or if i was more sexy, or bought more gifts for him etc etc. But in moments of clarity, it was not my fault...and to you women, it wasnt your fault either. When someone you love is broken, you cannot fix them with love, gifts, emotions. It is so very frightening to have to beleive they can find who they really are without us telling them. They have a personal journey to figure it out. And that is such a hard thing for a co-dependant person to do. Is there anyone else that can relate to my feelings?

Posts: 121 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: oregon
DragnHeart
Member
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)

Jeyana

Yes I can relate. Those moments of rage are kind of scary at times. The self doubt, "if only I had..." voice in my head must constantly be reminded that this is on him, not me.

It is so very frightening to have to beleive they can find who they really are without us telling them.

This exactly. Being able to step back and know that he has to do the work if he truly wants the marriage. I can't do it for him. It is very frightening. I always wonder if he'll actually do it an when/if he does will he find that he doesn't want the marriage...


Posts: 2760 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
allingoodtime
New Member
Member # 39679
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Hello! I'm new to SI and just found this thread. I'm making my way through the posts, just wanted to say hello. I'm sorry for the circumstances that have brought each and every one of us here, but I've got say, I'm glad I've found a place with people who get it.


(All In Good Time)
BS: 25 (me)
WH: 29

A Dates: March 2013-May 2013
D-Day 2013: May 24
MW: My former best friend.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2013
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I am filing a divorce. I know it is the right thing to do as seeing him contacting her day and night, it is a mental abuse, but I am sure I will miss him crazy the man I loved for 10 years, he has been an awesome husband.
It will take a while or never get over it, I do not know, I am scared to think about it....just one day at a time!


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 8 months
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS has been chatting and flew/met many times with a Philippine girl (20 yrs younger)
Divorcing.... Sep.Agreement finalized on Oct 18
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken hea

Posts: 143 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Ellephantastic
Member
Member # 39833
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

BW here, just don't know how my life, our life, came to this but we are trying to R and I really hope that it works because I love him to death!

[This message edited by Ellephantastic at 1:30 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)
WBF = PA
Ow = 19(at the time)
WBF A = 08/10/2012-17/10/2012
D-Day = 24/01/2013

"It was easier for him to hurt me than it was for him to turn her down"


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Scotland
n0tm3
Member
Member # 37884
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

I am hurt, sad and in pain. It is awful. When my husband is an ass that is who I think he really is instead that he may just be having a bad day. When he is kind and loving I am convinced it is all an act to con me into staying married to him to protect his self image.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 44
DDay #1: 12/17/12; OW 46 married 22
years
DDay #2 2/1/13 EA 6 years ago for 2 weeks with a married college friend through FB
Married 17 years, together 20 years
3 kids; 6,12,15
R trying both IC and MC

Posts: 206 | Registered: Dec 2012
3kids30years
Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Ok ladies - we need to get this thread going. Grab a glass of wine (I like a mice Malbec) and let's talk. The guys thread is amazing. We gotta get going!

My WH is trying, my MC sucks and I have to see the OW 4x a week if my DD plays soccer this fall. I don't want to limit her options just because her dad is/was a dork. My life in a nutshell! Thoughts?


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
Twentyplus
New Member
Member # 39593
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Ok, ladies, I'll pipe up. Can't grab the glass of wine though. I'm the alcoholic in this mess. 30 months sober. The tea will loosen my lips just as well.

I've had an actual whole good week since Monday. A few wobbles when talking about "the past," but we righted it up. fWH is finally looking like the person I thought he was. Today, anyway.

I actually used the squeegee on the master bath shower glass for the first time in 2.5 years. I actually laughed at the dumb ass jokes on the Wednesday night ABC comedies.

Of course there is still some BS in my energy field. Found myself registering for a group of Meetups that are of interest to the COW as she seeks a new sugar daddy in her new town in her new state. (Lost her house here, boo too.) Her profile is the same ole everything. Still wearin' that Rolex he bought her. Realized that NC is NC and that I should unregister for my own sake. Didn't yet.

Booked a vacation for next month in mountains. Last time we were there we were still separated. Seems like a lifetime ago. Probably a dozen significant TT events between then and now.

He attends his SAA meeting tomorrow am and I just attended an AA meeting tonight. Nope, 3/30, never though this is where we'd end up in our 60's. But very grateful to be here together tonight.

I'll try to track this thread and maybe we'll get some momentum. I have trouble keeping up in SI since I have so many alphabet identifications (LTA, SA, AA, R, WS, etc.) to track already!

Enjoy your Malbec!


"But we must supply our own light." - Stanley Kubrick


Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Big Blue Sea
3kids30years
Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

Thanks for joining in 20+ I also enjoy s little tea

Having s pretty good day, except I found myself at the office where OW works tonight. DD was invited to a Bar Mitzvah that was in the same building. So that sucked. But fWH was very good at supporting me.

We are 5 months in and trying hard. The mind movies are still debilitating, but I can banish them a little easier. I sometimes wonder if they will ever go away. I never thought id be the one who stayed with a cheater, but here I am. Hope he proves he is worth it!


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

Hi 3kids and all you ladies!

I never thought I'd stay either. I don't want to lose my kids half the time though ( live in 'no fault" state).

I wonder if I'm being weak not going out on my own or strong for staying with him for the kids.


Posts: 541 | Registered: Sep 2012
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

I should move to the Bible Belt.

Posts: 541 | Registered: Sep 2012
3kids30years
Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

Welcome RT!

I think you are strong fir staying. I think all of us who stay, for whatever reason are strong. We have to look at the person who hurt us the most and still get through each day. That is strength. I stayed for my youngest, and for me. I love him. I have history with him. But I wonder if I'll ever trust him again, or look at him and not hurt.


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
41andthankful
Member
Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Do you have fears about your decision? I was too hurt and afraid to stay. But i was hurt enough to decide to leave. He is making a lot of changes but I haven't changed my mind. We have to live separate for a year here before we can divorce. I'm not afraid of being single. I'm financially independent. My only reason for thinking about regrets is our dd. She is 4. It crushes me that we aren't the family I thought we would be for her. How do you make peace with that?

Posts: 241 | Registered: Mar 2013
3kids30years
Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Sometimes infidelity is a deal breaker. I understand that. I thought it would be for me. Then it happened.

I am only 5 months out - I haven't made a final decision yet. My WH is remorseful, trying hard to be there for me, and is NC (as far as I can tell). He is doing all the right things - at least on the surface. I don't trust him, I don't feel safe with him, and it's hard to look at him sometimes. Not sure the trust or safety will ever come back. We have been together 30 years, we have 3 children. I stayed to try to make it work. I never thought I'd be able to forgive someone who cheated on me. Still not sure I can. But I am trying. I think I owe that to my kids. The issues in our marriage are on both of us. How he chose to deal with it is all his. And it sucks. Everyday it sucks.

You asked if I have fears about my decision. I do. My decision was not based on finances, it would be tough, but I'd be fine. It was based on my wanting to stay with a man I love. Or at least think I do. I stayed to make sure. I will rethink the situation at 6 months, if I'm still not sure, I'll visit it again at 1 year. I have to try to make this work. He didn't try, but I will. But I have the option of leaving at any time. He knows this - his job is to give me reasons to stay. So far - the good outweighs the bad. At least most days.

The entire situation sucks. Soccer for DD is starting up again, and I'll see the OW at least 4 times a week. That is the toughest part. And where I can see if he is real, if he is genuine, if he can see and acknowledge the destruction he has caused, if he sees my pain. And what he chooses to do about it.

If I even think for a second that he is not there for me, I'm gone. I will not go through this again. Ever.

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 7:10 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
41andthankful
Member
Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Thank you 3k30y. I can not imagine having to look at ow, I've never seen WH ow in person. I've been offered a great job from the company she works for but can't take it for that very reason. My WH is still trying to win me back, still going to IC hoping I'll go to mc. I just can't and it's hard not to feel guilty about not wanting to r for at least my dd sake. I honestly think about it times for her but just can't. I am unable to imagine happiness and love again with WH after so much turmoil and pain.

Posts: 241 | Registered: Mar 2013
3kids30years
Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Hi 41T - not sure when your DDay was, looks pretty close to mine - if you joined soon after. My only suggestion is to not make any decisions quickly. If you don't want to R, don't. That is on him. He chose to nuke the marriage.

Your DD will be better off with a mom who loves her, and who loves herself, then in an "intact family" that is an illusion.

Whatever you decide will be right for you. What is right for me, what is right for anyone, is very personal. We have to make decisions based on what we can handle. Having an A is a deal breaker for many people. It still may be for me.

Be good to yourself - you didn't cause this and you can't fix it. Sadly, neither can I.

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 7:11 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
41andthankful
Member
Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, August 12th (Monday)

My dday was feb, from the very moment I got my proof I wanted out. I kicked him out 2 days after dday but listening to my pastor, my sister and a friend I tried to consider a second chance. I let him come home after six weeks. I just couldn't take living with him, it hurt too much. I put him back out end of May and filed in June. I don't think I have it in me to r, for me the damage is too great. He has been nc with ow since dday and has gone from calling her a friend to now the biggest mistake of his life. I believe he is sorry, just doesn't seem to matter.

Posts: 241 | Registered: Mar 2013
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Cool  Posted: 8:48 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Hi ladies ! I'm so glad to see y'all are getting this thread moving !
You need some oldtimers here. So here I am.

I think I deleted most of my story but dday was over 5 yrs ago.
Separated for 5 mo and had a false R. He had one chance only to redeem himself and never did do NC with Twat.

He met Twat online for Thai women. Made up excuses and to do business there and then dday. I found emails. That was only the tip of iceberg I traced affairs back at least 10 yrs.

After three mo. he left and filed D. Never got one answer from him or explanation much less I'm sorry. Together for 27 yrs at time of dday and M for 22 yrs. Through my research and SI, I discovered he is a NPD and that is a special kind of hell to live with besides the infidelity.
This was a 2nd M for both and we had no children together. He has 1 son that I raised from 3 yrs old and I have 1 daughter from 1st M.

We lived with a marital agreement for almost 4 yrs but divorced last year.
FT (fucktard)-now 74 yrs
Me-now 57 yrs
Twatwife-now 40 and pregnant thru invitro
They now live in Thailand
So that is my story and yes you can heal from this shitstorm they gave us.

[This message edited by gma56 at 8:49 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, August 12th (Monday)

41, nothing wrong with that. For some people, infidelity is a deal breaker. I wish I had come to that realization immediately - it would have been a quicker path to healing. Stay true to yourself. Your WH is the one that betrayed you and destroyed the marriage so I don't think you have to feel guilty about saying no thanks to reconciliation.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4661 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, August 12th (Monday)

On another tangent, are there some really ironic things about this whole shitstorm that you have realized?

I sure have. One of the things my workaholic X used to accuse me of was caring more about his paycheck than I did about him. Of course this was him projecting because he was obsessed with the pursuit of the almighty dollar, not me. He would drag that tired accusation out whenever I talked about him spending more time with the kids. Anywho, the net effect of his infidelity and abandonment has ultimately reduced our entire relationship to just what he used to accuse. He's nothing but a paycheck to me now. If this were a novel, you would call that foreshadowing. The kicker? His OW skank is nothing but a gold-digger who went after him for his paycheck. Irony. Too bad it's not a bigger paycheck.

[This message edited by kernel at 9:02 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4661 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Like Strongbutbroken wrote , show some respect for your dick, dude.

I just crack up everytime I think of it.

Unfortunately if divorcing, other than custody, it is all about financial.

[This message edited by gma56 at 9:26 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
3kids30years
Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I loved the "I'm just a paycheck to you" line. I heard it as well. The funny part - HE WAS UNEMPLOYED!!!!! I was keeping it all together while he was out "falling in luurrve" with the OW.

He is employed now - and better not ever say that again.

What are the STUPIDEST things you heard?

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 12:28 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

"You never supported me" - anyone that knows us would drop their jaw at that one - I'm still surprised and disappointed that lightning didn't strike him

"It's none of their business" - referring to our adult kids knowing about his affair and abandonment

"I just asked her out" - yeah, never mind that you were both MARRIED TO OTHER PEOPLE

Their stupidity knows no bounds.

[This message edited by kernel at 7:59 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4661 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
3kids30years
Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

kernal!
Those would be funny if I hadn't heard them as well!

It's almost weird how similar so many stories are. Is there a book out there somewhere on stupid things to say to "justify" betraying your wife?

Oh, and one of my personal favorites:

I thought you didn't care. (Did you ever think to TALK to me?) Asshole.

Anyone else?


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

One classic from FT was, you didn't care.
I didn't care when I took him too many Dr appts than I can count and sat on edge every fucking surgery for 25+ yrs, (he has chronic kidney stones,heart problem, and several hernias.) He didn't do well with anesthesia so it was always a major worry for me. Who in their right mind would put themselves through all this if they didn't love and care about his sorry ass?

After 2 mo of false R, he said he loved me but not in love with me. I called him on his bullshit and told him I didn't love him and no longer in love with him. I wanted the divorce.

That shut his NPD ass up quickly, he honestly didn't know what to say.
First time he had nothing to say..
Why did I ever marry him and then stay married ????

[This message edited by gma56 at 5:33 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
3kids30years
Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

If my WH had even hinted at the "I love you but I'm not In love with you" bullshit, I think I would have snapped.
I'd have gone nuts! What the hell am I doing here, cooking, cleaning, worrying, sleeping with you, if you're not "in love"? Fuck that. And don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out with all your shit.

Sorry, a little pissy today

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 6:26 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

It's almost weird how similar so many stories are.

It is beyond weird. Almost like it's some kind of virus or infection that spreads and causes all the wayward spouses to utter the same lame-ass phrases and behave in eerily similar high school asshat ways. Maybe there is something to the zombie apocalypse - only instead of eating brains they destroy marriages. Attack of the zombie asshats.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4661 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
3kids30years
Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Attack of the zombie asshats.

My new answer when anyone asks how I've been doing!!!


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
3kids30years
Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

WAIT WAIT the menz are trading recipes!!!


On a lighter note. We're trading recipes on the Menz forum. Wait til the wimmenz get a hold of that!

What are we supposed to do now!
lol - if you aren't reading their thread, you really need to!


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
mixedintherut
Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Lol@ trading recipes!


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
3kids30years
Member
Member # 38879
Frustrated  Posted: 6:35 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

The potato salad actually sounded pretty good - and easy. I may get the WH to make it! lol

I can relate the to guys so much. It is kinda amazing how the pain crosses gender lines. We just process it differently. At least sometimes. The Menz say what I think, what I'm afraid to say, or can't find the words.

I wonder if the situation was reversed, if my WH would have tried as hard as I have to R. I really wonder.

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 6:36 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

This is such a simple truth. I think it's meant to be funny, but in our situations, it is the truth.




"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4661 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
3kids30years
Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Thanks Kernel - kinds puts it in perspective.

So far, I've made it thru each say. So far.

Time for a nice glass if fermented grape juice. Maybe a Malbec, or a Cabernet Franc.


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Sorry, a little pissy today

I've been pissed off at everyone today.Gma's good natured personality has been tried to it's limits today.
I had a hellva a time finding my bitch and keeping her in front lines for 3 yrs after dday and the D but now ?
Oh, yeah, I found her. She's been hiding for decades being married to FT and now she's been freed to out bitch the best of them.
That German and Irish in me is fighting to get to the front of the line right now.
Where is that drink ?


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Alexa
New Member
Member # 40324
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

Morning ladies!
I just want to say hello and say I'm so glad I found SI and this thread. It's comforting to hear from people in the same situation as unfortunate as that my be for all of us to be here. Family and friends just get aggravating. They ask too many questions trying to solve the problem and talk to WH. They cause more problems Than they solve. They just don't get it. He could care less what they have to say so here I am.

My WH has 10 yrs of EMA's so I think. I'm not really sure because he keeps going back and forth between telling me the truth and giving me stories to aggravate me. Mind games, ya know. I can't get a straight answer from him. Personally, I think he's telling me the truth but afraid to come out and admit it so he says he just says things to upset me. WTF right? I think he wants to see my reaction so he's testing the waters just so he can tell me later that he told me before. It'll lessen the blow later so he thinks. Shit for brains. Doesn't he know games will not help. It just infuriates me more. But hey, he put me in this position and now he needs to deal with me. He's lucky I haven't thrown his stuff out on the street. I've come pretty damn close but I can't do it for my kids. He needs a rude awakening. Although I think I've done that many times. It just doesn't phase him. I don't know why I keep letting him back in or why he keeps coming back. Like a lot of stories I've read. We are just roommates right now. We'll stick with the MC and see if he can straighten himself out. He's on limited time though. As I've told him many times, I really don't need him except for part of his paycheck. Lol. So why do I put up with him? You're guess is as good as mine. Thanks for listening.


Me: BS 45
Him: POS 51
D-day #1 Aug 5, 2013 (2 years) clueless the 1st yr, suspicious the 2nd
D-day #2 Aug 19, 2013 (there were many more)
D-day #3 10 years worth of A/ONS
Married 21 years (not sure if we'll make 22)
2 kids, 16 and 13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Michigan
PhoenixSoul
New Member
Member # 40555
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Hello, everyone. I am new to this forum. I went through a lot and I have mostly moved on. I am actually remarried now and I am SO happy. But I deal with my ex a lot because we have kids together. I get frustrated about a lot of things, especially when I hear someone tell me what I should have done so that he wouldn't have to cheat. That's not fair.

I am mostly healed, but I still have healing to do. I wrote this letter to no one in particular, just as a way to get my emotions out. I want to share it with those who will understand in hopes that it might help someone find perspective. Hopefully any feedback that comes is positive. I mean it to be a positive letter.

Thanks! Here it is:

First, I want to make this clear. I am not posting this for revenge, or even out of anger. I think, though, that even though I am happier now than I have ever been in my life, the hurt of betrayal will always be something that follows me, and the idea that I did something to cause it (which is a ridiculous notion as I have come to realize that when a person is unfaithful, it has everything to do with themselves and nothing at all to do with the victim.) will haunt me forever. When my daughters grow and find men who love them, I am not 100% sure I will be able to completely snuff out the idea that he might someday do to her what her father did to me, and her and her siblings. I worry, when I look at my sons that they might take their father's example and use it, against my teachings, as an excuse that “sometimes it happens.” Infidelity should NEVER happen. Being and staying in love is much more a choice than it is a chemical reaction. Saying that you “couldn't help it” or that “it just happened” is absolutely degrading to the sanctity of marriage and the person who uses the excuse as well. It means that you have no control over yourself or your passions. And that is not acceptable for me, or my children, and it certainly is not okay for a grown man who made a choice to love and protect a woman and the children they bring into the world together. Yes, we are all human. When faced with a wrong decision or the temptation of another woman, you run. You do not walk, you do not feed the temptation, you RUN in the opposite direction. Running from a seductress is not unmanly or cowardice. Adultery IS.

More-so, I am doing it for closure. So that something in myself can heal and finish moving on. I am discussing her (and my ex, because it takes two, and I blame him more than I blame her.) because I feel that throughout the divorce, with my new marriage, and because of situations with child support and custody agreements, as well as a shocking abundance of support from his family for their behavior, they feel that their behavior was not only acceptable, but right and courageous. You know, abandoning all for the sake of love (read: lust.) I gave him a very cordial and civil divorce for the very sake of our children. I believe that the two of them mistake my civility and my class for acceptance for their bad behavior when in reality, I hope to be a better example to my children than they are so that they can see me behaving in a way that God would have them behave. Heaven knows what he has told people about me to earn their sympathy and support.

Heaven knows what they say about me when I am not around, or how he tells her that he was driven away by me and my antics. When a relationship is based on lies and betrayal, how can a woman believe anything that comes from that man's lips? The truth of the matter is this: I was never a perfect wife. But I was a damn good one. Brandon's adultery was none of my fault in the slightest and was all about him.

It can be said that I grew up with Brandon. I met him when I was 13 and he was 14. I would say it was love at first sight. I told my mother later that year that he was the boy I would marry. However, Brandon and I became best friends instead. We both dated a lot of other people. I had boyfriends, he had girlfriends. And when the relationships ended, we talked to each other. When Brandon's father left his mother and his 3 siblings for his mistress, I watched Brandon's anger. I watched his grades suffer, and I listened to him swear he would never cause his family such pain. I felt confident in this profession. Brandon served an LDS mission and I went to college without ever dating each other. When he returned, we dated and married in the Salt Lake temple, which I foolishly saw as a small measure of extra protection against such pains as adultery. I was 21, he was 22.

From there, I bore him 4 children. In July of 2012, he convinced me to have a 5th. He was to be our last. I got pregnant right away. I also got extremely sick. I lost 14 pounds and threatened to dip below 100 pounds. I got medicine for that, which helped, and I was more able to be active again. Unfortunately, I also had a subchronic hematoma, which is blood between the uterus and the placenta. It can be very dangerous for the baby and the mother, and so I was put on pelvic rest, meaning I could be active, but I could not have sex or I could irritate the uterus and further rip the placenta away from the uterine wall, which would kill my baby.

By November, the hematoma had resolved itself, and Brandon and I celebrated our 9 year anniversary. I started to get friend requests on facebook from girls Brandon worked with. They ordered things that I handmake and sell as christmas presents.

The week before Christmas was when my world spiraled out of control. I was almost 7 months pregnant with my 5th baby. And Brandon started being really mean to me, which was strange behavior. He always treated me (and EVERYONE else) with kindness. He would not sleep with me. Well, he WOULD...but he COULDN'T. I would kiss him and touch him, and he would retract from me out of sensitivity. He couldn't get an erection, and the sensitivity was something that regularly happened after we were finished in bed. Never in a million years did I think Brandon would cheat on me, so I didn't see the signs that way. I knew he battled depression. We had dealt with it for years. I thought his medication might be wrong again, and that he might need to see a doctor. I thought maybe the seasonal depression was making things hard for him. So I just tried to be understanding and compassionate to his situation.

Just before christmas, he got a call at nearly 2 am. He worked nights, so I waited up for him. I remember sitting by the tree with him, talking, and he got the call. The girl on the other line was hysterical. He didn't say much. When he got off, I asked him about it. He said it was a girl he worked with and she had just gotten beat up by her ex husband. It struck me as strange, but I thought that maybe since he was her boss, she trusted him, and that maybe he was the only person she could call. I asked if she needed a place to go to be safe and had she called the police? He said she was with her mom. I thought, then, that it was weird that she was calling him at 2 am if she was already someplace safe.

The day before New Years was a Sunday. After church, he napped on the couch and I grabbed his phone to check the time (I wasn't snooping. I have never been a jealous type. I was secure in my relationship, as I should have been able to be.) and he grabbed it from me. I should have snooped then. That night, though, I confronted him. I asked the right questions and he told me he had been having an affair with a girl from work named Lybbie since October-ish. Yes, she knew about me, my 4 children and my pregnancy.

And what did I do? I told him to leave. Because that is what you do. I did not want my daughters to think it was okay to stay in a relationship where there were lies and betrayal. I did not want my sons to think they could ever get away with it- they can't have a loving wife, a beautiful home, gorgeous children and a girl on the side. I was 7 months pregnant with a 5th child, I had 3 years of college because I quit so we could afford to put him through college (he has a bachelors degree) and I had been a stay at home mom for 8 years...and I threw him out.

Brandon told me that he left me, not his children. Unfortunately for Brandon and that whole idea, I left him. Well, I made him leave, because I kept the house. And I kept the children. I don't really believe he had any intention of telling me anything or leaving me. (We were planning a Disneyland trip for the following Christmas that very morning and talking about baby things we still needed to buy.) So, however he sees himself being this great and noble man who supports his 5 children and blah blah blah, he left them too. They are little. They are young and accepting. But they aren't stupid. And they don't see him or talk to him except for every other weekend. He doesn't answer their calls. He cancels as often as he has them. And he is raising Lybbie's daughter, who has the same name as our oldest.

Lybbie and her daughter moved in with Brandon to his old bedroom at his mom's house 1 week after I told him to leave. (Yes, the same woman who was left for a mistress while she raised 4 children alone. Apparently, it was not okay for her husband to do it...but when it came to her son, her daughter in law was to blame.) We went through mediation, not lawyers and court so our divorce was expected to take a few months only. 6 weeks after we began the process, Lybbie texted me, saying she had given me respect and that she never said anything bad about me. I wondered- what kind of bad things WERE there to say about me? She wanted to meet my children, even though Brandon agreed legally, with our mediators, that he would not introduce her to the children until the divorce was final per my request. A divorce, a baby brother and me getting a job was a lot for 4 children under 8 to adjust to. I wanted things to settle before they met her, and I wanted propriety in front of them- meaning I did not want them exposed to the fact that their father had a girlfriend before he was divorced. It was a grown up situation they couldn't possibly wrap their brains around and I thought it was better for them to deal with later. Lybbie told me that my children were stronger than I was giving them credit for. That she had respected my wishes and stayed away so far. I told her she hadn't respected any of my wishes and that respect went out the window the day she flirted with a married man, let alone when she spread her legs for him. She said that if that is the way I wanted to handle this, that is how we would handle it. I got a text from Brandon a few minutes later (he had the kids that weekend) that she was coming to meet them. I found out that the girls from Brandon's work were Lybbie's friends...you know, checking me out.

From there, Lybbie continued to break the rules. She continued to push boundaries and disrespect the rules for our children that Brandon and I agreed to in our divorce- she even gave Brandon a tattoo (she's a tattoo artist) while our children watched. Our divorce was final in May. While I am happy in my new life, with my 5 children and my new husband who I should have married in the first place, I have to deal with Brandon for the rest of my life because of our 5 children. Every time I settle into complete happiness, he ruins it for me. Another debt will crop up that he left in my name. He will demand to pay less child support. He won't babysit while I work, but “can't afford” to pay half the childcare costs. He cancels his weekend and will not respond to the fact that my husband and I have plans we made around the weekend without children. I wish I could just take my kids and never have to deal with him again. He still ruins good days for me and usually uses my children to do it.

When it all comes down to it, whether you are religious or not, the scripture is true: Wickedness never was happiness. Wrong things never made anyone happy- not REALLY, TRULY happy. Brandon's not happy. Lybbie thinks she caught a catch, but she didn't. He's gained probably 40 pounds since he walked away. She has pink hair, tattoos everywhere (which is not a judgement. I have seen some very pretty ones) and piercings all over her face. She's also a lot heavier than I am. She isn't absolutely hideous...but I'm much prettier, and much more feminine. They are planning to get married. I hope for my children's sake they stay together forever. My kids don't need to see their dad with dozens of different girls, and it has been made clear that he's the kind of man who allows his women to call ALL the shots, even when it's out of line. He has no backbone to stand up and say “Look, this is not good for my children right now.”

The way I see it is this- It wasn't about me. It wasn't about sex. It wasn't about me being naggy, or not taking care of myself, or not letting him go out. It wasn't even about us fighting, because other than minor disagreements, we didn't have full blown fights. It was about him. Lybbie told him what he wanted to hear (whatever that was. I still don't know) and he imagines that he is above the rules. If it WERE about me, or sex, or the way I look or if I was naggy, we would have fought a lot. We would have probably gone to counseling. Even if we hadn't, the situations he didn't like about me would have been addressed. (Not like he was all that perfect either.) And if we couldn't work it out, we would have gotten a divorce and moved on in a more appropriate manner. And then I would have to take half the blame for my marriage failing. As it stands, he couldn't answer me or my mediators when I asked why, what had I done? And THAT, my friends, absolves me of guilt for this.

It breaks my heart when I find out friends or even those who I don't know suffer this kind of betrayal. It hurts. But you know what breaks my heart more? Women who stay with the idiots who hurt them because they don't know where to go, don't know how to afford and support their children or who think that he will change. It's not about you. It's not about how terrible you are. You could be the most horrible person in the world, and cheating isn't about you. When it's about you, he will divorce you after trying to change things. Cheating is a CHOICE. And anyway, you aren't terrible. You're a wife. And you deserve to be loved and cherished. Don't let ANY home wrecker tell you that you didn't give your man what he needed. Men cheat because they are insecure. Because they know you're better than they are. And home wreckers steal men because they don't know what real love is. Cheating isn't real love. It's lies. A home wrecker does not a solid foundation make.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Utah
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, September 6th (Friday)

bumping for a member who shall remain nameless. And awesome.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22672 | Registered: Aug 2011
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, September 6th (Friday)

NIK, is it Millah time?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 5861 | Registered: Jan 2011
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, September 6th (Friday)

GMA... I feel ya...
Right after DD he told me the I love you but not in love with you.. I was kicking him out as I explained how I had to wipe his ass while sick..
My WH has a chronic disease too... Plus our daughter soccer clubs & major health issues for both before and during A... I had so many Doc and PT appointments between hers and his plus my FT work and paying bills,some house work and the last five years him losing his job twice meaning I have make sure I keep my work or no health ins..Etc. I was dead a zombie from everything. And he did nothing to help.. And he runs off to have an A after he got rehired back on contract.. Well if he would have kept his dick in his pants they would have hired his FT.. So he ended up loosing his job.. It's good a friend of our .. Friend of our marriage gave him a job... So Affairs can DBS detrimental to your career.. He was a fool and flaunted the bitch went to lunches and lectures together with people that know us as a couple.. IDIOT...the problem is that I, We the family paid for his crap.. People from his work were so embarrassed to see me.. I couldn't tell why at first.. Well later I understood why..the good thing we are still together but so many x coworkers are confused.. Not sure if affair or they were friends because I am the committed wife. I am afraid that in our small professional community that he would be ostracized and not get employeed FT.
So not sure if I can truly forgive and get over this but I am trying and now he's always telling me he loves me and is in love with me.. I on the other hand. Am mehhh ok


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 13th (Friday)

AHA! I found a BW thread! I have something I've been wondering about and I wonder if its a men/women thing or individual thing.

This is in relation to what a WH posted about sex.

As I was replying to him I sort of had an epiphany - I am firmly convinced that WH would have been no "love-ier" with this EAP than me. He is just different. And I sometimes wonder if that is ME being weird and expecting something to be there (I wonder if I was delusional about it ever being there) or if it is a gender different view on sex, love, marriage?


Posts: 524 | Registered: Jun 2013
jangledchick
New Member
Member # 40863
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Apart from ALL the obvious reasons to be shattered by their use of prostitutes, understanding the concept of sex addiction and then maybe even feeling compassion for their plight... HOW do you even begin to imagine having sex again?I am repulsed by him. He is tainted. The hands I once loved are layered with imprints of all the whores. The smooth olive skin I once enjoyed stroking is now impregnated with the perverted touch of others.I've been told that I can heal from this and that with time and hard work can recover, BUT I don't want to overcome these thoughts and feelings. I WILL NOT.Imagine something so repugnant to you that you'd rather do ANYTHING but that something, say... eating the regurgitated food from a cat or a deep fried cane rat.Then imagine being told, that with time and hard work, you can overcome your feelings. Would you be willing to give time and hard work to overcome your feelings?

I really want someone in a similar situation who can talk with me about the nitty gritty of the day to day reality. To hash out the dreaded future that staying married to a man like this would entail.I am fiercely protective of my family unit and desperately want to keep it intact. My sons are 29, 20 &17 and I have a 16 month old grandson.I care about the welfare of my husband but do not have any inclination to be affectionate with him and as I said in the first post, I most definitely could never have sex with him again.My choices are either divorce-which would decimate my family unit, reconcilliation-which is out of the question, or living in a sexless marriage with a recovering sex addict who seems to be fully committed to his recovery.I've lived without sex for approx ten years anyway so I don't think that will be much of a hardship for me. (Excuse the pun! )Anyone out there who can identify?

[This message edited by jangledchick at 4:27 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]


'Like bells jangled, out of tune and harsh.'
D-Day 19 April 2013 
Me-BS 47 
Him-SA/FWS (so he says) 57 
Married 20 years. 
Learned that he has NEVER been faithful.
Many ONS, many OW & approx 300 prostitutes. PUKE, PUKE, PUKE!!!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: jangledchick
Topic Posts: 319