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User Topic: Dealing With Depression
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, April 2nd (Monday)

Please post in here if you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, April 2nd (Monday)

For those of you who are dealing with depression, keep in mind that anti-depressants will help get you over that hump. I didn't want to take them for a long time, but when you are hit with infidelity and separation sometimes, you have no choice.

Be back in a bit to post more later.


Me: 41
Two boys: 16 and 13
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25502 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
traicionada
Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, April 2nd (Monday)

I was officially diagnosed with depression when I was 16 but I have lived with it from as long as I can remember. I have hit rock bottom a few times but I have also learned to live with. Like many, I have my good days, my bad days,and plenty of awful ones...


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3180 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
sweet_agony
Member
Member # 12685
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, April 2nd (Monday)

I have been depressed with my life, all my life, basically. My first two female role models were both depressed women. Yes, when BP had his affairs, the one with my cousin had me in a depression I have never experienced. Being with alcoholics and beeing depressed also seem to go together. I don't feel depressed now, but I know what it is like.


Me-45
him 52

BP=betraying partner


Posts: 239 | Registered: Nov 2006
MUSICMAN
Member
Member # 2728
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, April 2nd (Monday)

I, too, have dealt with depression ....still do at times


Lot of water under the bridge...lot of other stuff too....Bob Dylan

Posts: 318 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: South Carolina
pebbles
Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, April 2nd (Monday)

I tried to take my life 3 days after my 20th birthday. I was so surprised when I woke up. Even the doctor was surprised I was alive because of the quantity of pills I had taken. Fast forward 30 years and I get the blow of my life. My WH's affair again made me want to die. I was so profoundly sad. I didn't try to take my life this time because it didn't work the first time and I now have 2 grown sons that would be devastated if I had. I am 20 months from Dday and the thoughts of wanting to die are gone. I'm still sad about what happend but the AD's, therapy and a very remorseful WH has helped.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, April 2nd (Monday)

I, too, have struggled with depression for a long long time. I am now taking a class on depression, setting small goal for myself and trying to get over that hump again.

Just like those commercials you see nowadays, depression DOES hurt.


Me: 41
Two boys: 16 and 13
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25502 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
Dead Inside
Member
Member # 12763
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I have only been depressed since DDAY. I still have self destructive thoughts.

I take cymbalta and xanex. I know I am getting better, but I don't always feel like it.

I don't trust what I see or hear. I don't know if its the depression talking or not.


Me(BS):43
Her(WS):37
Married 17
DDay:9/29/06 DDay 2: 12/13/06

"Won't you roll me away tonight
I too am lost, I feel double-crossed. And Im sick of whats wrong and whats right."


Posts: 2380 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: USA
Markus ur Alias
Member
Member # 10889
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I dealt with it bad after D day for a few years. I finally managed to get off the meds this fall. I still don't feel normal but I'm much better. You can get here. I wrote an article on this for the healing library but not sure if it will be posted or not. I will alert if so.


"I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing,
pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
disintegrating as it goes testing our communication"
Tool - Schism

Posts: 1539 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Philadelphia, PA
Chria
Member
Member # 14090
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I just got on antiDs last Friday.

But why is it such a damn roller coaster? That is what makes it the worst. Feeling fine...then WHAM, your stomach goes into knots, the movies start playing in your head, and you are glad there are no firearms nearby.....


There is never a single right solution. But there are always multiple wrong ones.

Posts: 4657 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Lurch's Lunatic Asylum
Dead Inside
Member
Member # 12763
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Chria: For me it is a minute or two of feeling good, and then you remeber. Your stomach knots up and your heart breaks again.


Me(BS):43
Her(WS):37
Married 17
DDay:9/29/06 DDay 2: 12/13/06

"Won't you roll me away tonight
I too am lost, I feel double-crossed. And Im sick of whats wrong and whats right."


Posts: 2380 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: USA
ToddC
Member
Member # 9314
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

What are the symptoms of depression?

Posts: 18524 | Registered: Jan 2006
Dead Inside
Member
Member # 12763
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

There are some decent online tests. Google Depression and test. It should bring up something.


Me(BS):43
Her(WS):37
Married 17
DDay:9/29/06 DDay 2: 12/13/06

"Won't you roll me away tonight
I too am lost, I feel double-crossed. And Im sick of whats wrong and whats right."


Posts: 2380 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: USA
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

It has been proven that exercising helps in dealing with depression.

I find that to be very true.

Oh - and I suffer from double depression.

Chronic and SADD.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Sandcrab
Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I have had bouts of depression since my teens. I didn't realize how bad it could get though.

Here is a good link my husband found somewhere for depression and other disorders linking to depression. It also lists different types of drugs for depression, side effects and a lot of good information:

http://www.depressionforums.org/

MODS if this link is inappropriate please remove.


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
Dead Inside
Member
Member # 12763
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Anybody else feel like hurting themselves to get rid of the pain. Cutting, or smashing or anything else that is self destructive?


Me(BS):43
Her(WS):37
Married 17
DDay:9/29/06 DDay 2: 12/13/06

"Won't you roll me away tonight
I too am lost, I feel double-crossed. And Im sick of whats wrong and whats right."


Posts: 2380 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: USA
ToddC
Member
Member # 9314
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I just took the free depression test at PsychologyToday.com and according to the results, I am depressed. It does not surprise me. I hate the thought of taking AD's but I may need to.

Link to test if anyone interested.

http://psychologytoday.psychtests.com/tests/depression_abridged_access.html


Posts: 18524 | Registered: Jan 2006
itsabattle
Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I have never suffered with depression but my dr has put me on ads to get through this difficult time. Lots of people have commented that I seem a lot calmer - I don't know if its the tablets or just acceptance. Until my life is calmer I will continue to take them but I hope it won't be for very long.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
sheisnothappy
Member
Member # 14068
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I have had it throughout times in my life since I was a teenager..
In the last year I have been battling it..some good some bad days.I'm not the ad type..so its all on me..

Then dday..it was like a tornado...my son is the one keeping me going...
and this forum has helped a lot too...thanks to everyone again.


Me: BS, 28
WH 31
12 yrs marriage, 1 son 9,
Online EA-3+yrs
1stDD: March 2007
2ndDD: January 31, 2009
Attempting R
Umm..yeah

Posts: 538 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: south of sanity
jsh2329
Member
Member # 12719
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

DI...
I cut my hand a little over a month and a half ago...to "see how it felt"...well...IT HURT!

Kind of woke me up to not wanting to go further.

Please post here if you are having these thoughts. We are all in this together!


Me: FBS, 34, H: FWS, 34
Married 9/1/02
DDay #1: 10/15/06
2 Amazing Kids, 4 (DS) & 2 (DD) year old.
Worked on R, but Separated 11/07.
"I'll never trust anyone more than I trust myself."

Posts: 2559 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Arizona
kman
Member
Member # 9901
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I have wanted to hurt myself, I have wanted to take my life.

I have sunk to the bottom of the bottom, and handled it poorly to boot.

I know now how much my depression hurt everyone around me, and those I love were hurt the most.

The A added to the battle.

I am, however, getting better. It can happen. Choose a path and move on; if it turns out to be the wrong path, choose another. Repeat as needed.


Surviving it does not mean that it was ever ok.
D-Day 1: November 17, 2005
D-Day 2: January 20, 2006
Divorced December 1, 2009
Waiting period over March 1, 2010

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Feb 2006
jsh2329
Member
Member # 12719
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Well, here goes...

I have been depressed, I think, for my entire life. I tend to have a cycle of holding stuff in till it comes crashing out...just like my Dad. The A has simply made it worse for me.

I started on Lexapro about 4 months ago, and Wellbutrin about a month ago. The Lexapro helped a bit, but the Wellbutrin really helped more with the focus I'd lost.

Well, I had another explosion on Friday. I was upset about FWH wanting to schedule a business trip at the same time as THE ONLY VACATION I have ever taken without him in the last 7 years.

I sat and steeped until...kaboom! He made a remark about me forgetting to take my meds that morning, which I did, and I lost it...bad.

I did the stupidest thing ever and went into our bedroom, got all of my pills (including the vitamins, blood pressure, and birth control pills) walked into the kitchen, and put them all down the kitchen sink.

Let's just say, the argument went downhill from there. He threatened to call the police for endangerment, but never did when I told that I would 'do it for real' if I had to go to jail.

He said he would D me if I didn't follow my doctor's orders and get back on the drugs and continue counseling.

Looking back now, it was such a childish and stupid move, but at the time, I just didn't give a damn, I was done.

There have been many, many times where I have wanted to commit myself if not for a 'vacation' of sorts. Feeling like I simply can no longer deal with it all.

Now I am having a hard time filling my prescription. My insurance company won't authorize them before their refill date on the 8th. I don't want to tell FWH, because I'm sure he'll be upset and I will know that he is mad because of my actions.

So, I think this depression thread has really come at a good time.

Any help for me?


Me: FBS, 34, H: FWS, 34
Married 9/1/02
DDay #1: 10/15/06
2 Amazing Kids, 4 (DS) & 2 (DD) year old.
Worked on R, but Separated 11/07.
"I'll never trust anyone more than I trust myself."

Posts: 2559 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Arizona
chelle1966316
Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I remember feeling depressed a few years after my second child,may have been sooner.
Then there was the third and fourth child and nothing ever got checked,because I never knew thats what it was.
I was a SAHM and my H worked ,sometimes two jobs.No other life but the kids and household.
I would call my H,crying and needing time to get out of the house.
I was a lunatic.Screaming at my kids,nasty most of the time,sad for some unknown reason.
It really started to hit when I turned 30.I dont know why but when I turned thirty I got a large dose of panic.My grandfather died as well,from lung cancer.We were very close.I was the favorite.
I remember wanting to stay in bed or be alone.
We eventually bought our own home,moved away from the rest of my family and I was home with the youngest,alone most of the time.
Thats when I began to actually think I was depressed.I called for help once but never did anything.
Regretfully.
Once the kids were all in scool,Septeber 11th came and I started getting weird.Feeling like I needed to get something done fro me.Became more bitchy and so on.
Once I started getting more involved in school,work and home life,plus a grandmother who had a stroke,that was it.
Once I graduated it all started to come un done.
It was like I blew a fuse.
The A happend.I lost respect for myself and anyone around me.I didnt give a crap what happened really.Fuck the world.
So,once the A was out in the open and H started rejecting me,hanging out at the bar,I wanted to end my life.
I was losing everything.It hurt like hell.The person I had been with for a long time,just gave up.
I wanted to die at that point and would have if I hadnt have been taken to the hospital via the police.
I had told my H I was ending it and he called them.
Since then I have been on zoloft until this year.I am now on Effexor.
I feel so much better.I am unsure if I will be able to be off meds.at all.I maybe one of those who is on it for lifetime.
Time will tell.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
Markus ur Alias
Member
Member # 10889
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I never really wanted to "hurt" myself. I've never been a cutter. Frankly, I don't get it. There were a couple times I took a handful of pills though. I think they were sleepers, muscle relaxants and pain relievers. Didn't do much. Don't hurt yourself and take your meds. You know how I knew I was depressed? I couldn't move. Nothing interested me in the least. When it hits you, you'll know it. Take the meds.


"I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing,
pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
disintegrating as it goes testing our communication"
Tool - Schism

Posts: 1539 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Philadelphia, PA
GalGrowingUp
Member
Member # 13824
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)

My first bout with depression was realtively brief, I tumbled into depression. Because of the excellent comprehensive care/intervention I got at the time, I rallied very quickly.

Was highly productive throughout my twenties and early twenties when married STBXH/WS. the depression I've slowly descended into after maryying my STBXH/WS 20 years ago is brutal.

This second bout with major depression has lasted almost 5 years, with it worsening in the last 1 year. No matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to find relief yet. STBXH/WS is a diagnosed slcoholice throoughout the marriageI'm afraid I'll never get out of this depression, which is so severe that I am still unable to work or function, don't shower for days at a time, and just lay in bed for days, almost lifeless, and feel NO hope. My dreams are dead.

[This message edited by GalGrowingUp at 5:02 AM, April 8th (Sunday)]


Posts: 218 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: New Hampshire
Sweeting
Member
Member # 1305
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)

I have suffered from depression all of my life. I first felt suicidal at age 8 (first attempt.) I thought this was due to the sexual, physical, emotional abuse and neglect that I experienced as a child, but now I am not so sure. I think this is the way my brain works, but I do believe that some of my problems were caused by trauma.

I had severe depression in my early 20's with suicide attempts.

By my late 20's I was doing okay and off of meds for about 10 years. I started back on meds a couple of years before D-Day. My XH did not like that because they "flattened" my moods.

A month or so ago I experienced the same sort of depression I had in my 20's and was terrified. I felt like I had no one to talk to and ended up emailing the Samaratins out of the UK. I realized there were two factors that brought this depression on: Discontinuing steroids that I take for lupus and starting on the mood stabilizer Trileptal. One would think a mood stabilizer would not cause suicidal depression....but it did.

I have ADHD and a constant sense of being overwhelmed. My XH probably has NPD (according to my counselor) and constantly dealing with him is wearing me thin. He is still refusing to pay his part of our daughter's medical bills...it just fills me with anger.

My rheumatologist tells me that lupus (which I have) and depression go hand in hand.

At this point in my life I really have only myself to depend on. Recently I had a medical procedure and they wanted a family member present. My mother said "I'll probably come down...." These kind of things just make me crazy...feeling like there is no one.

Now I am struggling with my XH to get my daughter on medication that she needs. He disagrees with most everything I do...

I work 50+ hours a week. I have to do my taxes. I have to clean the house. I have to prepare to take my XH to court....I am tired and overwhelmed.

I try not to share to much with my mother. Recently, though, she told me that she was not going to let my problems drag her down. She had told me that she was going to come once a week to help me, but she came twice and quit coming. Actually, she looks to me for emotional support.

I have a lot of suppressed anger. I am mad at myself and my husband. I am still mad at my daughter for telling my XH lies about me last summer because she was mad because I worked all the time. She told my XH I was mistreating and neglecting her. I was called a bitch by all three of them. They treatened to call CPS. My D has physcially attacked me.

Some days I struggle with a fog of pain and fatigue. I wonder if this is all there is in life ....struggle and loneliness. I look in the mirror and see an ugly person.

[This message edited by Sweeting at 4:41 PM, April 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 3974 | Registered: Mar 2003
Chria
Member
Member # 14090
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

Why does the clock move so damn slow. It's been almost 4 weeks since DDay. It seems like centuries.....


There is never a single right solution. But there are always multiple wrong ones.

Posts: 4657 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Lurch's Lunatic Asylum
cd103
Member
Member # 1713
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, April 5th (Thursday)

In response to what are the sumptoms of depression:

Some of the more common symptoms of depression are:
Changes in sleep habits such as insomnia, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much.

Changes in eating habits such as loss of appetite or weight gain.

Decreased energy, feeling of fatigue.

Restlessness and irritability.

Difficulty in concentration, remembering, and making decisions.

Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, guilt or worthlessness.

Persistent sad, anxious, or empty feelings.

Loss of interest in pleasurable activities, such as involvement with loved ones or hobbies.

Thoughts of death or suicide.

To fulfill the diagnostic criteria for major depressive episode (in other words to receive an official diagnosis of depression), five (or more) of these symptoms have to be present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning. At least one of the symptoms must be either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure (DSM-IV, 1996).



To Do No Harm

Posts: 5608 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: planet earth
wasfooled2
Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 5th (Thursday)

I've suffered from depression all my life, I think, now that I look back and know the symptoms. I was officially diagnosed in 1996 and have been medicated with AD's ever since. I've recently had to add anti-anxiety meds to the mix.

My WH's A has made everything worse by about a thousand times. Now I (lucky me) even feel suicidal at times.

I've called our state's suicide hotline 3 times in the 6 weeks since D-Day.

Has anyone been treated on an IN-patient basis for their depression? Did it help?

I'm wondering if I need more than meds at this point, but I don't want to be away from my kids.

[This message edited by wasfooled2 at 10:02 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
wasfooled2
Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, April 5th (Thursday)

DI...yes, I have wanted to hurt myself.

(sorry, this is graphic)

When I was a little kid growing up with an abusive mother, I used to hurt myself all the time. Why? Because it got me some positive attention while I healed and the pain was inflicted by my own hand and not by my mom's. It made me feel better somehow to know I could control the pain.

I used to take a pair of scissors and scrape the skin off the tops of my hands, which would create big, bleeding raw spots.

I always told mom I fell or burned myself or something stupid like that. I don't know if she believed me or not. Probably not, but she was always too drunk to think straight anyway.

Now that I'm older, I don't do stuff like that anymore, but I do have an odd sense of pleasure when I get a cold or something...it gives me a little time to just feel like crap with an excuse and curl up inside myself.

I'm sure that's the depression talking and people would probably have me committed if they knew, but I can't help it.

It's amazing what your mind can make you do to yourself.


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
not-alone
Member
Member # 12129
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, April 5th (Thursday)

I was diagnoised with depression ove 10 years ago. It is always triggered when I'm under a great deal of stress or am experiencing a lot of anxiety.
I've been on medication just as long. The doctor even thought there were times I was ready to come off of the medication. I attempted at least twice (under my doctors care) and when ever I'd get into a stressful situation, I'd begin to shutdown to "cope".
I've been suicidal or have comtemplated it numerous times. Always picture the scenrio of being discovered. Typically it's my daughters that would find, and that thought puts things in perspective. I'd be gone taking the easy way out, and they would live on with the reality. I don't want to ever have them live through that.


Divorce final August 15, 2007

. . . 'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.


Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: IL
sunlil
Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, April 5th (Thursday)

I can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't depressed. I can remember curling up in my bunk bed with my teddy bear wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up.

I kept it to myself for a long long time, I knew I felt different than other people and didn't want anyone to know how screwed up I really was.

It got substantially worse during my teens, culminating in a suicide attempt when I was 18. Everyone wrote it off as a cry for attention from a boyfriend who'd just dumped me and I was not treated or even evaluated for depression. I did get medical care just no psychiatric help.

After that I worked even harder to hide it from those around me but it came out in other ways. I was just a deep dark pit of need and I kept looking for someone to make that pit go away. I slept with a lot of guys I really should just have stayed away from.

Somewhere in all that sexual fumbling, I met my H and we got married, moved across the country and started a family. It got hard to hide from him that there was something wrong but neither one of us really knew what to do.

It took my dearest friend admitting that she was being treated for depression to make me take a step back and think that maybe I should talk to a doctor.

It took me awhile to build up to it but I finally did and started getting treatment. Anti-depressants weren't a cure-all for me, nor did they make me bounce off the walls with joy. They took the edge off life, they made the black clouds that seemed to follow me everywhere go away. I was still me, just not such a dark and twisty me.

My H's EA threw me way off balance. I sank into a horrible place where I genuinely hoped and prayed that when I finally fell asleep I'd never wake up again. I even went so far as to book a hotel room with the intention of killing myself there. I went to the hotel room but didn't follow through with my plan. I don't really know what stopped me but now 2+ years later I'm glad I didn't do it.

I still struggle with those thoughts from time to time but most days I'm okay. Some days I'm even great!

I don't think I would still be here if it weren't for ADs and doctors willing to listen and work with me.

My H was initally very unsupportive of me. He didn't believe depression existed, he didn't think anti-depressants had any validity, he believed that a person just had to make a real choice to be happy and that was that.
At some point, after I started taking ADs, he re-evaluated his opinion and he has become VERY supportive.

If I have to take ADs every day for the rest of my life, I will gladly do so. Being depressed and not being treated is not an option for me. Life without treatment is really no life at all. Not for me or those who love me.


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
Wrongedfirst
Member
Member # 11645
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

How do you keep in a GOOD mood for most of the time?
I can be going great one minute and the next... BAMMMM
I am upside down, confused, upset, mixed up and feeling like I don't fit in or belong anywhere and wonder the What if's...
I am back to grinding my teeth again at night when I sleep. I was doing soo good at keeping my feelings and emotions in check until now and then.
Feeling lost and going out of my mind...
Thanks God for my kids.


Me: Happy it is over :)
Her: Someone else's problem now.
Divorce papers were my anniversary card. Divorce is immenent, just waiting, Update: STILL WAITING 12/20/07 Looks like it will be over 2/8/08
It's OVER!! Thank God.

Posts: 219 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Illinois
wasfooled2
Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

Feeling lost and going out of my mind...

Me too, Wronged. Maybe it's an Illinois thing. I see you're from here, too. :)

Just kidding. I know you're hurting. Just trying to make you smile a little.


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
Wrongedfirst
Member
Member # 11645
Target  Posted: 2:41 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

Thanks for the laugh. I just don't feel I belong anymore any place I may find myself.


Me: Happy it is over :)
Her: Someone else's problem now.
Divorce papers were my anniversary card. Divorce is immenent, just waiting, Update: STILL WAITING 12/20/07 Looks like it will be over 2/8/08
It's OVER!! Thank God.

Posts: 219 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Illinois
armywife23
Member
Member # 13848
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

I hate feeling this way, always thinking about the A.

If your family has a history of depression are you more likely to get it? Because I have a family history of it.

And I think back in college, I was depressed. Never diagnoised, but I was also suffering from an eating disorder and the break up of a relationship. I never went to a dr. about either, didn't want anyone to know.

But I have an upcoming Dr's appt to talk to him about this.

I've never wanted to really hurt myself, unless you count starving yourself as hurting yourself.

I just want to feel happy again, not just plaster a smile on my face.


FBW (me) - 33
FWH (him) - 34
Married - 10 Years
Three Kids, 8, 5, and 2
Reconciling, Doing well.

The greatest gift a father can give to his children is to love their mother.


Posts: 272 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Michigan
NotThisTime
Member
Member # 11848
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

I've strugged with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was a child. I remember when i was about 8 looking through my mom's (dad was long gone) medicine chest looking for enough pills to kill myself with. I swallowed a bottle of aspirin and nothing happened! When I lost my job and my BF decided that would be a good time to start cheating I tried ADs for a while, but they didn't work on me, in fact I got worse. So now i just avoid self-medicating with pot and booze, which only makes it worse, try to exercise regularly and take breaks whenever I can. Also, when I'm feeling good I try really hard to internalize the feeling so when I'm feeling bad I can remember it and try to look forward to feeling that way again. I know there are new ADs since I last tried them, but I'm in a demanding field and can't afford to be fuzzy-brained. Are there any that don't do that? I'm afraid to try them again cause I'm afraid if I'm numb I wont' be able to think.

Posts: 2976 | Registered: Aug 2006
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

Well.... I took my own 'advice' and went for a long lovely walk.

I feel wonderful and on top of the world.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Pivot
Member
Member # 13634
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, April 6th (Friday)

I am dually diagnosed. I have recurring depression and I am an alcoholic (in remission). The few relapses I've had were the result of emotional pain beyond what I thought I could bear. The shock of my H leaving is no exception, except that now I know I can't get through this divorce unless I stay sober and on my meds (Lexapro & Wellbutrin).

What my depression feels like:

*I'm spiraling down a black hole

*Suicide seemed like a good idea after D-day

*Lethargy, my body feels heavy and it sometimes hurts

*Hopelessness

*Cannot answer the phone; can't (don't want to) talk to anyone.

*Loss of appetite

*Too much or too little sleep

*Regress to zero self-esteem

*Want to hide from the world and watch T.V.

*Feel very afraid most of the time

To all who are on ADs:

Stay on them unless your Dr. decides take you off of them.

Even if you feel they are not working, do not abruptly stop

Please don't give up. There are many new ones coming out and sometimes you'll need to try another before you get some relief. Also it takes about 4-8 weeks (it can vary) to get results.

I'll probably be taking them for quite a while. Don't want to go back to the hole.


P

[This message edited by Pivot at 3:37 PM, April 6th (Friday)]


"Oh, sweet sorrow, the time you borrow, will you be here when I wake up tomorrow?" --Katherine Wolf
"Where the past, present and future collide..." --Pivot
"When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy" -- George Burns

Posts: 355 | Registered: Feb 2007
Renee
Member
Member # 8502
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, April 6th (Friday)

I guess I'm feeling depressed. I'm trying to stick it out till the end of the year, and under my breath, all I want to say is "FUCK YOU".
I sleep alot, and this is just in the past few days. I don't know why all of a sudden. I thought I had a good handle on things.
It just seems so very hopeless.
I don't have any of those "nice" feelings at all. I don't want to touch him, and I cringe when he touches me.
Was I a fool to agree to yet even more torture?
I don't know.
Can't afford an IC, or drugs.

Me.


"If you want Loyalty, get a Dog"
___________________________________
Me-49
WH-49
One very special Daughter-5.
Together 9 years.
D-Day 10/23/05

"Treat Me Like An Angel, And I'll Take You To Heaven"


Posts: 1491 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Mtns. of So Cal
strike2
Member
Member # 12398
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, April 6th (Friday)

i have been dealing with depression for a few years now.. it started when i was laid off. my wife was pregnant and we had just bought a house.. so it was stressful. i am still suffering with depression, especially since dday2. i am learning that drugs have to be exactly right or they make me angry or way too emotional..

wellbutrin made me angry
cymbalta made me emotional and tired
lexapro is making me angry too..

anyone else have the same problem?


Me: FWS (30)
Her: FBS (30)
Children: 2: boy and girl
Dday#1 Oct 05
Dday#2 Sept 06
Online EA
Working on R together

"life is short.. don't fuck it up"


Posts: 901 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Midwest
gluton4punishmnt
Member
Member # 7181
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, April 6th (Friday)

Changes in sleep habits such as insomnia, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much.

Changes in eating habits such as loss of appetite or weight gain.

Decreased energy, feeling of fatigue.

Restlessness and irritability.

Difficulty in concentration, remembering, and making decisions.

Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, guilt or worthlessness.

Persistent sad, anxious, or empty feelings.

Loss of interest in pleasurable activities, such as involvement with loved ones or hobbies.

Thoughts of death or suicide.

Ive had all these symptoms and currently have all but the last one, thank god I dont have that tho a fwe months ago i was there.

I come from a long line of depressed people on my moms side. She has battled it her whole life but only gotten treated for it in the last 10 to 15 yrs. Recent events with ex are making things worse and Im about at the end of my rope. I was on cymbalta a few months ago but went off it due to the fact that it makes me feel REALLY weird. But im going to go see a therapist asap and do something aboutthis. I missed a day of work this week simpley becuase I couldnt get my ass out of bed till after 3pm. Im like this most days. Tired, lethargic, sad, stressed, anxious, worried and just plain ole feel like shit. I hvae a very VERY short fuse with my kids, and my 5.5 yr old ADHD son gets the brunt of this im afraid. I just cant cope. I take no pleasure in anything but eating it seems, and as overweight as I am, thats BAD BAD BAD. My sleep has been getting bad too. Hard to fall asleep, and I wake in the middle of the night, something I didnt use to do. I dont look forward to much of anything anymore and try to get out of things that I know would maybe make me feel good or put a smile on my face because I simpley dont want to put forth the effort to do it, whatever it might be. I have an ex who is threatening again to take my kids away from me, reduce or end c/s, take our son off his ADHD medication becuase in his words "hes on cocaine"

. Im just so done with ALL of it, life in general. I hate this. I just hate it. I hate me, hate my life, hate the fact that I hate me and hate my life. I hate the way I look, feel, live.....everything. God help me I HATE EVERYTHING

[This message edited by gluton4punishmnt at 6:12 PM, April 6th (Friday)]



Posts: 3902 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Allergy Hell
strike2
Member
Member # 12398
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, April 6th (Friday)

((((gluton))))


Me: FWS (30)
Her: FBS (30)
Children: 2: boy and girl
Dday#1 Oct 05
Dday#2 Sept 06
Online EA
Working on R together

"life is short.. don't fuck it up"


Posts: 901 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Midwest
strike2
Member
Member # 12398
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, April 7th (Saturday)

are you ok gluton?


Me: FWS (30)
Her: FBS (30)
Children: 2: boy and girl
Dday#1 Oct 05
Dday#2 Sept 06
Online EA
Working on R together

"life is short.. don't fuck it up"


Posts: 901 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Midwest
Markus ur Alias
Member
Member # 10889
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

Wellbutrin made me angry. Lexapro was good at first but then it stopped working. Effexor worked well but it was hell to get off.


"I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing,
pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
disintegrating as it goes testing our communication"
Tool - Schism

Posts: 1539 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Philadelphia, PA
gluton4punishmnt
Member
Member # 7181
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

I'm ok, jsut sick of everything. Today has been better, getting out with my mom and sis helped. Thanks for asking...

Im looking forward to getting my youngest two back tomorrow tho. Ive missed them so much. I just DREAD like HELL seeing their dad tomorrow. He is the cause of so much shit in my life right now, I dont need to see him.



Posts: 3902 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Allergy Hell
Sweeting
Member
Member # 1305
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

Wellbutrin made me manic. I was on Prozac for years and then off all meds for about 8 years. I took Prozac, but the new psych. wanted to try Lexapro. It works, but I go through terrible withdrawal when I tried to go off of it. I tried Zoloft and it did nothing.

When coming off Lexapro my head was buzzing and my eyes jerking....very strange.

Also, recently tried Trileptal and became suicidal.

I also went off of steroids for lupus and had more problems with depression...

You do have to get the right combination.

Changing my meds makes me emotionally labile...I cry off and on all day. Thank God I work from home.


Posts: 3974 | Registered: Mar 2003
Elektra
Member
Member # 13326
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

I began meds in 1998. Prozac worked wonders for me, until it 'pooped out' in 2002. Then Lexapro worked okay, but the sexual side effects did not help, and I had insomnia.

I stayed with it as long as I could. Added Wellbutrin to ease the sexual side effects.

Went off the Lex, and remained on the Wellbutrin alone until recently. Had to go off the Wellbutrin due to constipation! I had kept 'regular' using fiber supplements, but all of a sudden nothing worked. I was using laxatives.

Knowing it was not healthy to keep using laxatives, I went off the Wellbutrin. But still weeks later, I am not back to normal. And my diet is high in fiber.

Oh, yes---the withdrawal from Lexapro was brutal! Just miserable, and took me about three months to taper off.

So at the moment, I'm not on AD meds at all. Getting my system back to normal. Taking a drug holiday.

I'm exercising a lot. Walk 3.5 miles a day with H. Yoga everyday. I'm eating as healthy as I can manage.

The doc wants me to try Effexor, but with a half-life of approx 5-6 hours.....

I do not want anymore meds until/unless I really need them.

Right now--I'm feeling pretty good. Yes, there are marital challenges...BIG ones. But I'm not sure I need meds.

The big test for me will be when the days get shorter again.

Oh, yes, I am in IC---helps a lot. MC was a bust...


Divorced in 2010


Posts: 148 | Registered: Jan 2007
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, April 9th (Monday)

I've been on depression meds for years - started them when my kids were young and I went through a severe depression where I didn't want to leave my room (kind of hard to raise children from your bedroom). I've tried lots of things and weaned myself off them because I wanted to live med free. But I have such a persistant depression that I've come to the conclusion that I just need them to function. I'm currently on Effexor XR 225mg a day. I still go through down times when situations bring it on, but I can manage.

I hope the Effexor doesn't stop working - I hate the time between tapering off and starting a new one.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7557 | Registered: Aug 2005
Dead Inside
Member
Member # 12763
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, April 9th (Monday)

I fucking hate this fucking depression. I just want to be a normal happy person again! Fuck me I hate myself!


Me(BS):43
Her(WS):37
Married 17
DDay:9/29/06 DDay 2: 12/13/06

"Won't you roll me away tonight
I too am lost, I feel double-crossed. And Im sick of whats wrong and whats right."


Posts: 2380 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: USA
strike2
Member
Member # 12398
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, April 9th (Monday)

i need to make an appointment to see a shrink.. i need to talk to someone who specializes in this type of stuff.. not just my family dr..

the lexapro was making me angry!


Me: FWS (30)
Her: FBS (30)
Children: 2: boy and girl
Dday#1 Oct 05
Dday#2 Sept 06
Online EA
Working on R together

"life is short.. don't fuck it up"


Posts: 901 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Midwest
DrDeath
Member
Member # 8540
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, April 9th (Monday)

I have had recurrent major depressions since I was 15. I haven't attempted suicide but I have thought of it often. I have been stable on Celexa and Wellbutrin for several years now, along with intensive psychotherapy for PTSD and for management of my illness.
A really hard part of this is accepting that you have this illness, and that you are not simply inadequate or weak or being a self-centered jerk. Or believing what your illness is telling you - that you deserve to feel like shit, that you alone are responsible for your misery, that this is how you SHOULD feel.
One of the most helpful things I learned was that depressive disorder is part of who I am, and it needs to be managed, not avoided.


BH 57
WExW 43
DDay Dec 2003
Happily divorced July 1 2005
I don t want to get married again because I couldn t handle another ceremony. No, not the wedding, the Aztec ceremony. You know, where they rip your beating heart out of your chest...

Posts: 348 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: BC Canada
brainless twit
Member
Member # 12085
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, April 10th (Tuesday)

Add me to the "depressed as long as I can remember" list. I was diagnosed with PTSD at 13 after my best friend committed suicide, and the diagnosis was later amended to dysthymia. I started PTSD symptoms again in 2005 when my grandmother died very unexpectedly, and now a third time because of the A.

I think I have taken every antidepressant on the market. They all work in the beginning, but after awhile even the highest doses don't help. After this many years, I don't necessarily need ADs to function because I'm so familiar with the way depression cycles for me. The next step, if I choose to try meds again, is a low dosage of an antipsychotic - not because I'm psychotic (I'm not), but because the ADs aren't strong enough. So I'm trying to avoid that at all costs.

Before D-Day, I hadn't truly felt suicidal since my friend's death. Since D-Day, I struggle every day to come up with reasons to live. It's not even necessarily about the A any more; I'm just tired and I feel like life is a huge waste of time. I don't consider myself suicidal to the point that I need intervention, but I worry about what will happen when/if H hurts me again. I try to keep a constant watch over my symptoms and make sure I'm not spiraling. Luckily, since I've dealt with this for so many years, I don't hesitate to talk to my friends and family when things get bad.

Writing all this is exhausting. It sucks to think that so many of us are dealing with the same issues.

H says he thinks I'm not capable of being happy, and sometimes I think he's probably right. The undercurrent of sadness we discussed in another thread has always been part of me to a degree. It's just worse now that the A is part of my life.


"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump

D-Day 8/7/06
Divorced 12/14/09
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.


Posts: 1537 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
Wales
Member
Member # 14222
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, April 12th (Thursday)

Gosh,

I had brief depression after a traumatic event many years ago, then I was fine after 6 months. Twenty years later, I've got depression & PTSD from the marriage to STBXH/WS, and it feels like it's strangling the life out of me. REally bad, to where I can't work.

I'm trying a new AD with my doc today and am praying it won't stop working like the last one did.

Has anyone here had experience with Cognative Behavioral Therapy?


"Never, never, never quit."
(on yourself)

"When you're going through hell, keep going"
(until you're through it)

Winston Churchill, in quotation marks. Words in brackets added, by Wales.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Apr 2007
ErinHa
Member
Member # 10138
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, April 12th (Thursday)

After my first DDAY almost 3 years ago I suffered from depression (from WH's A) and anxiety (mostly from my 3 kids).

I got on meds after I sat down in my kitchen and literally banged my head against the kitchen counter until I threw up. The emotional pain hurt so bad that the only thing "strong" enough to dull it was physical pain. That was one of the saddest days of my life.

I was on AD's for a year and am off now. They really helped me get through that time and took the edge off to the point where I wasn't feeling every emotion to a crippling point.

I will never allow myself, my WH or anyone to take me there again.


ME--BS 44 years old
HIM--WS 45 years old
3 Kids--DS9, DS11, DD13
Married 13 years, together 15 years
1st Dday 6/7/04
2nd Dday 3/13/06
From 2006 on too many to count (gave up)

Divorcing


Posts: 793 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Thriving
Bubbles
Member
Member # 9173
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 12th (Thursday)

I'm in an episode right now of severe depression. I saw a new psych last week and he doubled my Lexapro dose. For the first time in a few years I am feeling better again.

There is a book that my therapist recommended to me (he actually bought it for me) called "The Self-Esteem Workbook" that is really supposed to combat depression.

Sorry to all of you who battle this.


Bubbles
BS - 40
WH - 50
Married 10 years, together 12
D-Day - May 2, 2005
Living each day at a time - Not in R - WH blames me for all of it.
4-year-old darling boy who adores his Daddy

November 2008 - Divorcing


Posts: 438 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Denver, Colorado
Wales
Member
Member # 14222
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 12th (Thursday)

Does anyone here have experience with ADs that have stopped working after awhile?

I had a very bad experience with my (now former) doctor today. It's posted in JFO. He seemed to think that it was unique for Zoloft to stop working. I called the crisis line after he hung up on me, and the counselor said it's not unusual for medications from that group (SSRIs) to stop working in some people, and that change can be helpful. Does anyone have any insight, experience or advice on this? Thanks in advance.


"Never, never, never quit."
(on yourself)

"When you're going through hell, keep going"
(until you're through it)

Winston Churchill, in quotation marks. Words in brackets added, by Wales.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Apr 2007
strike2
Member
Member # 12398
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, April 13th (Friday)

i need to see a dr again.. the meds that i was taking didn't work.. and i think i am going to lose it while trying to find a dr


Me: FWS (30)
Her: FBS (30)
Children: 2: boy and girl
Dday#1 Oct 05
Dday#2 Sept 06
Online EA
Working on R together

"life is short.. don't fuck it up"


Posts: 901 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Midwest
Pivot
Member
Member # 13634
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, April 14th (Saturday)

I'm taking 20 mgs of Lexapro, but I don't think it's working anymore. My Dr. says that's the maximum for me. I also take 300 mgs of Wellbutrin that does help with dopamine, neuroprenphrine and energy.

I still feel depressed. Shit!

P


"Oh, sweet sorrow, the time you borrow, will you be here when I wake up tomorrow?" --Katherine Wolf
"Where the past, present and future collide..." --Pivot
"When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy" -- George Burns

Posts: 355 | Registered: Feb 2007
pseudonym
Member
Member # 11852
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, April 15th (Sunday)

wales, i've had lots of ADs that worked great for a while (sometimes years) and then didn't, for whatever reason. i think of it as changing your shampoo every now and again makes your hair better. i've had periods where i take the same med at the same dose happily for two or three years, and other times where i'm changing doses or adding different pills every couple of months. stress in different times of my life has to do with that too.

i'm another one of the always depressed people. first sought treatment at around 16, attempted suicide at 20 and spent 2 weeks in acute inpatient, another month in a residential program, and six after that in a halfway house. i've been generally stable since that point, under waxing and waning therapy and every antidepressant you can name. d-day last year was by very bad coincidence as i was withdrawing from effexor and i had a very bad couple of weeks. currently on lexapro, which is one of my all-time favorite drugs that i highly recommend to anyone.


Me: BS, 29
Him: FWS, 27
Married 1 1/2 years
D-Day 7-17-06
Reconciling - I am wearing my ring again

Posts: 256 | Registered: Aug 2006
Wales
Member
Member # 14222
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, April 16th (Monday)

Strike2,

Hang in there. It's tough to wait to get in to see a doc. and wait until you wind up with the right match to help you. If you feel like losing it, come post here and get it out. We're here for you! I'm glad you're looking for a doctor that specializes in this. Too many just don't get it.
(((((Strike2))))))

Pivot,
I'm sorry your Lexapro isn't working so well anymore. Wellbutrin can be increased up to 400 mgs/day in some people. From what I see in this thread, changing AD's, especially SSRIs, in not uncommon. Apparantly their effectiveness can fade. It's tough.

pseudonym,
Thanks. Sure is frustrating, huh? My (former) doc tried to accuse me of "liking to change medications around." What a jerk. No-one likes to go through the unpleasantness of trying and failing ADs until hopefully something starts working again. That's just the reality, especially with SSRIs, as I've learned, even just from reading this thread.

My best to each of you here at this forum.


"Never, never, never quit."
(on yourself)

"When you're going through hell, keep going"
(until you're through it)

Winston Churchill, in quotation marks. Words in brackets added, by Wales.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Apr 2007
Wales
Member
Member # 14222
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, April 16th (Monday)

Question/Poll:

How many of us who've been treated for depression have had to change AD meds at least once since your depression first started? How many have had to switch meds more than once?

Thanks in advance. Much peace to all here.


"Never, never, never quit."
(on yourself)

"When you're going through hell, keep going"
(until you're through it)

Winston Churchill, in quotation marks. Words in brackets added, by Wales.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Apr 2007
KiwiJ
Member
Member # 13131
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, April 16th (Monday)

Depression since childhood. First recollection was at about 11.

First medication was at 16.

Been on and off various medications all my adult life.

Yes, tried all sorts and most have worked very well. Paxil was the worst for the sexual side effects.

My current AD is WONDERFUL. Cipramil. I'm not sure what that is in the USA.


Jen

Posts: 7132 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: New Zealand
one sad lady
Member
Member # 12891
Default  Posted: 3:24 AM, April 16th (Monday)

I've been depressed off and on for the last 15 years. I've been through rounds of prozac, paxil, lexipro. Wellbutrin gave me insomnia. The others gave me really bad stabbing pains in my head and dizziness when I forgot to take them, which was often. And 10 times worse during withdrawal. They all helped me accept my lot in life, which was that I was married to a jerk. I am scared to ever take them again.

I have also taken xanax for general anxiety panic attacks.

I am seriously depressed today for a variety of reasons but since being separated and decision made to divorce, I generally feel quite good. That tells me a lot of the depression and anxiety was associated with trying to live with a controlling selfish, possibly NPD emotional abuser.

What has helped me a lot in recent months is a little yellow book called Feeling Good. I can't recall the author off hand. It is really about how you react/respond to other people's actions and how you can stop. It is really, really helpful and I hope some of you will find it and read it.

I may be back later if this current wave doesn't pass soon. Peace to all.


In the heaviness of night, when all
Creatures seek the ghost of Slumber, I
Sit up, singing at one time and sighing
At another. I am awake always.

~ Khalil Gibran


Posts: 4476 | Registered: Dec 2006
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, April 16th (Monday)

I've had to switch medications more than once. It takes awhile sometimes to find one that works with your chemistry.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7557 | Registered: Aug 2005
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, April 16th (Monday)

Anybody else having trouble making a decision or focusing? It's been over 2 years since d-day and subsequent divorce. I REALLY feel like I'm over that trauma and have moved on, but I have this lingering problem of feeling that nothing matters.

I have happy times, but can't focus or care about daily stuff. I'm back in IC and on anti-d. I'm just so sick of feeling this way. I wish I could find something to energize me - I'm just going through the motions.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7557 | Registered: Aug 2005
goodboyinDC
Member
Member # 10377
Content  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 18th (Wednesday)

well i have tried prozac for a very small period of time. i had to basically break the capsule open so that i could dissolve the contents of one capsule in 8 oz of water and then i would need to sip like an ounce per day for the week.

i got too tingly of a feeling and hyper.

so we switched to imipramine. i don't know about that one. maybe the therapist i had was much more effective but i don't recall anything particularly great about that drug. i did that for about a year and a half.

then i moved to nyc and lived without ADs.

but when i moved to VA/DC, i was in a big funk - due to a break up and life wasn't turning out as it should have been - so i wanted to live like i was taking exstacy.....and the psychiatrist said then that i would love Effexor!

and i did......

i had orgasmic feelings and euphoria every time i yawned. small yawns, big yawns.....i felt like i creamed my pants without any need to change my underwear. i loved that Effexor.

that lasted about a good six-eight months. then i turned evil and a total bitch. i would bite anyone's head off.....i would be so irritable. i changed. where did my phantom orgasms go????

needless to say, things got complicated and i got off the meds myself and suffered brain and body shocks at random!

finally that went away but after about what seemed like a year.

my second visit with Effexor XR gave me my orgasms back but didn't last as long and i got just as evil again.

so got off.....

and i haven't been on anything since like 2003.

but tomorrow, i am going to join the pill popping club again. this time, after some more careful research, i think Cymbalta will help me or at least i feel comfortable that this would be a good follow up to Effexor.

here's to cymbalta.......i am keeping my fingers crossed for some AD orgasms!!!!


Don't tell God how big your mountains are. Tell the mountains how big God is. Thank you God for everything in my life. I find peace in You.

Posts: 3642 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Washington, DC
goodboyinDC
Member
Member # 10377
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, April 20th (Friday)

well believe it or not, just one day on cymbalta and i am already feeling something.

yesterday i went into yawn overdrive!!!! some of them had a very light light orgasmic feeling but not fullblown like the effexor.....

hmmmm.....

maybe today on my second dose i will get them more....

****
certainly can feel the 'edge' taken off from my worries and my thoughts are not rushing into my head like they normally do.

and amazingly, i didn't get up to pee or just wake up at 3 am like i have been all week long.......

****
okay here is to day no. 2.......

edited to add day no. 2:

so far so good.....took it at 730 am and i started yawning at around 10ish....getting a nice calm feeling rushing over me throughout the day.

it was like taking valium......kept me from getting too irritated or too reactive to my environment.

but alas, no intense orgasmic feelings like effexor but there is a tiny feeling of something in my upper part of my body.....

i wasn't very hungry today at all even after jogging 5 miles.....which was a bit challenging but i got through it!

i had some good sleep through the night and didn't have to wake up to go to pee.....

woke up on day 3 with very little stiffness if any in my back and neck which is nice.....

[This message edited by goodboyinDC at 6:16 AM, April 21st (Saturday)]


Don't tell God how big your mountains are. Tell the mountains how big God is. Thank you God for everything in my life. I find peace in You.

Posts: 3642 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Washington, DC
Noclue
Member
Member # 10250
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, April 23rd (Monday)

Well... seems to me that i'm now part of this forum too.

Got diagnosed last week in IC to be in an adcance state of depression. She immediatley told me to go see my doctor. I'm meeting him wednesday and then ff Igo on either meds or whatever he prescribes. I feel like I could sleep everywhere I go but just can't sleep. I also want to byte everyone's head at work and i'm also just this bouncing dynamite. I just can't sit still. I always have to run and do something and I'm very impulsive.

Those are all great and a good sign of depression but as much as my thoughts of suicide. Been having them more and more lately and this has been since I was 15 or more and I'm 34 right now.

As soon as something as little as a rainy day comes and I feel like ending it all.

Will need help guys. Just registered on deppression.org and will get help from there too.


Do not do what I've done. Let my life be a lesson for you.

Posts: 6562 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Ontario
hollie
Member
Member # 9949
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, April 23rd (Monday)

Hello, I too suffer from clinical depression. As I read these posts I am sorry to see so many people in such pain on account of their depression, but take some relief in seeing I am not alone. I am very glad for this I Can Relate/Dealing with Depression thread.

In response to Wales' poll I have had to switch meds many times before finding a medication that offered long term positive effects. Aprox 10 years ago was my first treated 'bout' of depression and it took 18 medications before finding the right one for me. Boy, that was a long haul. I began taking high doses of a medication called Manerix and it finally did the trick for me. It is an MAOI (vs many newer medications which are generally SSRIs)
All this to say hang in there if you need to try a few untill you find a good fit for yourself.

I had been med free for 3 years prior to finding out about the affair. This time though I was able to start straight back on Manerix, and it started working right away. I currently also take seroquel (which is actually an antipyschotic) to help lower anxiety levels. These medications give me the health to find stregnth to get up in the morning.

This is becoming a long post but I am just happy to have a spot to say all this
One more thing I would like to say is that clincal depression is an illness that needs to be treated. It is not something you have because you are weak or have been thrown for a loop or are lazy or just can't cope. You wouldn't let your diabetes go untreated, and this is the same.
If you are feeling depressed you really should see your doctor. At the very least you'll have wasted the money on parking but at the most you'll find some support you need.

[This message edited by hollie at 6:20 PM, April 23rd (Monday)]


Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
(Lily Tomlin)

Posts: 162 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Canada
DunnoWhatToDo
Member
Member # 13511
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 24th (Tuesday)

Hi all. Glad to see this thread...

My therapist referred me to a psych to talk about going on AD's. And I have to say, after reading all these posts I'm kinda scared to! Some of the side effects have me freaked! I already have major issues with self esteem so weight gain and acne are just about the last thing I need right now!


Me: BS / 37 Him: WH / 38 / SA
Married 8 yrs, together 15
Kids: Twins 4 1/2 yrs old, my angels
DD#1: June '04 Total BS
DD#2: 09/25/06 told him to move out 09/27/06
riding reconciliation rollercoaster

Posts: 120 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: New York
Digger 4 Truth
Member
Member # 14155
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, April 24th (Tuesday)

I've been holding on to my scrip for weeks now. I need something to help me cope, but I'm scared of side effects and that fact I can't handle this on my own.


Trying to find myself and prepare for the future ... whatever it may hold.

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2007
unsaveable
Member
Member # 12620
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, April 24th (Tuesday)


I've been on Effexor XR since 2004. Psych diagnosed me then with PTSD and Panic disorder. I also take Lorazepam when needed. I told him a lot of the stuff going on in my marriage back then and he really emphasized the need for me to realize or read about battered women's syndrome.

My anxiety has calmed since STBX left the home.

But now I am into a new realm of freakiness. Just thinking about everything I have to do now/and my situation, I get all of the previous symotoms of anxiety but now, add EXTREME nausea, tingling in my fingers & extremities, feeling like I am going to faint. It is really just becoming toooo much. Last night I had a HUGE panic attack in the car.
Today I am totally nauseas, tingling, and can barely get anything done.

Anybody else giong through something like this?
I don't know if I should go back to the Dr. or what. Please any help or suggestions much appreciated.


Posts: 4391 | Registered: Nov 2006
goodboyinDC
Member
Member # 10377
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, April 24th (Tuesday)

well i am on day six of cymbalta.

ever since i started, i have not had to get up in the middle of the night to pee! actually in the UK, they use this drug for those who do get up in the middle of the night to pee......

also, my hunger is practically gone. not like i don't get hungry but it's like once a day. and i don't eat as much as i did before.

it's amazing.

although no orgasmic yawning, i think i do prefer this AD over Effexor XR which i was on for a couple of years.

****

i only had one moment of zombiness, which happened yesterday during work between 3-4 pm. work was really boring my ass yesterday.....

other than that, it has been a good week.


Don't tell God how big your mountains are. Tell the mountains how big God is. Thank you God for everything in my life. I find peace in You.

Posts: 3642 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Washington, DC
gluton4punishmnt
Member
Member # 7181
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, April 26th (Thursday)

Ive made an appt with my Dr for tom am. I called his office today telling the nurse that I HAD to get back on SOMETHING ASAP! She worked me right in first thing in the am. I cant stnad it anymore. I feel useless, worthless, and basicaly like shit 24/7 and its just getting worse. Being a single mom to three kids is hard enough, add to that the asshole ex that I have to see twice a week every week, a 5.5 yr old with ODD and ADHD who is FAILING kindergarten, work stress, bills and being so overweight that I cant stand the sight of myself anymore and my body aches constantly....im just at the end of my rope. Im about to give up .......



Posts: 3902 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Allergy Hell
KiwiJ
Member
Member # 13131
Default  Posted: 3:13 AM, April 26th (Thursday)

gluton, AD's will help. Believe me they will help.

I ran out of mine a couple of months ago and I waited a week before seeing the doc. By the time I got there they were worried about giving me the full supply in case I overdosed.

The even keel they keep me on is worth it's weight in gold. No side effects, just normality.

I've told someone else here it's like coming into the sunshine after being in the dark.


Jen

Posts: 7132 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: New Zealand
KiwiJ
Member
Member # 13131
Default  Posted: 3:15 AM, April 26th (Thursday)

Don't give up gluton. I've seen your pic. That twinkle in your eye is wonderful. You're full of personality. Don't knock it.


Jen

Posts: 7132 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: New Zealand
gluton4punishmnt
Member
Member # 7181
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, April 26th (Thursday)

Thanks Kiwi...

went to the Dr and he put me on 10mg daily Lexipro. We'll see how things go.



Posts: 3902 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Allergy Hell
howcouldhe1
Member
Member # 13210
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, April 27th (Friday)

Hi everyone, i guess I'm joining the club.

I have never suffered from depression, always been an optimist. But since D day, in November, I've been on that roller coaster we all know so well. Despite some set backs, I've usually been able to pull myself back up again, until the last two weeks. Now I seem to be feeling constant despair, at the thought of the rest of my life being filled with such pain. I can't face talking to anyone, can't even look anyone in the eye and feel worthless and useless. Nothing seems worth bothering about, and whilst I wouldn't consider harming myself because of my kids, the thought of going to sleep and not having to wake again to deal with this is appealing.

My doctor diagnosed moderate to severe depression on Monday and today I have had my first appointment with a psychiatrist for evaluation. I go back next week to start therapy. I'm not considering anti Ds at the moment as I'm really scared about side effects, particularly loss of libido as it was the lack of sex in our M that led to the A.

Fingers crossed to us all.


Me BS 54 FWH (BT) 52 M 22 years D Day 4/11/06 Over a year of trickle truths. March 08. D Day 2. Online porn and SA. Just when I thought we'd be ok, July 19 08. BT had accident. Severe brain damage, in persistent vegetative state. I lost him anyway.

Posts: 5488 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Kent UK
betinkers
Member
Member # 11386
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, April 27th (Friday)

Firmly back in depression.

Went to the doctors today - for some reason I always think they're going to tell me that I'm just imagining it, and there's nothing wrong with me. They never do, they just give me ADs immediatly.

Exeflor this time. Not had this one before.

I'm getting shorter and shorter gaps between periods of medication.


Me: BS 37
Him: WH 37
Reconciled - we even have a new cute little baby girl
D day 06/06/2006

Posts: 1305 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: uk
sunlil
Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, April 29th (Sunday)

How many of us who've been treated for depression have had to change AD meds at least once since your depression first started? How many have had to switch meds more than once?

I've been on a few different AD meds during the last 8 or so years.

I first tried Zoloft which treated the depression very well but absolutely killed my libido.

I then tried Effexor which worked well for awhile but, after about a year on it, I developed side effects to it that outweighed any benefit I was getting. (no libido, gaining lots of weight and profuse night sweats - to the point I'd wake up with soaking wet sheets)

Then I tried Celexa which worked great until D-day. My psychiatrist upped the dose of Celexa a little bit but it still didn't work and she switched me to Lexapro.
I loved Lexapro. It was fantastic, no side effects whatsoever. Then our insurance decided to make it non-formulary and the co-pay was too much so I had to switch again.

I went back on Celexa (60 mg/day) and it is working.

If you are having sexual side effects while taking an SSRI ask your doctor about something called Cyproheptadine.

It is an older antihistamine that when taken 30-40 minutes prior to sexual intercourse counteracts the typical SSRI sexual side effects.

My psychiatrist recently prescribed cyproheptadine for me when I told her I could not orgasm and was having a difficult time really getting into sex. It doesn't work for everyone but it worked VERY well for me.

Edited for spelling errors

[This message edited by sunlil at 12:07 AM, April 29th (Sunday)]


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
Mango
Member
Member # 6536
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 30th (Monday)

I take Wellbutrin and Lexapro. It works ok. Hell on the weight gain and sex drive though.

I doubt that I could get off of them without being dropped off on a deserted island with lots of beer and Dr Phil.

Fuck! I hate depression.


Posts: 1342 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: South Texas
chinookwind
New Member
Member # 14483
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, May 4th (Friday)

How do you learn to be happy? I have dealt with depression all my life but had to go off my med 2 years ago because I moved to place with no doctors willing to take new patients (long story). I went off cold turkey in 1 month and had the DT's - I don't recommend it.

WS's A has made it worse. I am a different type of sad. I literally had one night where I thought - it is not suicide if you take half a bottle of pills and half a bottle of booze.

The worst part is WS are trying to work things out but he calls me a drama queen for mentioning the suicidal thoughts. He tells me he wants to make me happy but can't figure out how.

I know I am the only who can make me happy. How do I start?


Chinook

Posts: 2 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Ottawa
Greenegirl
Member
Member # 9607
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, May 4th (Friday)

First bout of anxiety/depression at age 8. Next one age 15. Next one age 20. Next one age 22. Did not receive treatment for any of them (except when I was 8 -- the pediatrician had me take something to knock me out at night so I could sleep -- that broke the cycle).

OK fastforward to my early 30s --- a series of huge disappointments and major life stressors coupled with being married to an emotional retard (apologies to anyone involved with the developmentally delayed population -- I'm using a "slang phrase" here).

Went on Paxil about five years ago. Althought every day is not perfect, especially in the winter, I function very well and relate well to people MOST of the time (my worst problem is social anxiety which leads to depression).

I've often wondered if FWH is a longterm cause of my stress. He's a reliable, steady, nice guy but seriously lacking in the empathy and emotional sophistication department.


Posts: 3081 | Registered: Jan 2006
gluton4punishmnt
Member
Member # 7181
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, May 5th (Saturday)

I have been on the Lexapro 10mg for a week now and I haev to say I feel better. Im not "little miss perky"....but then again I never have been that kind of person. But I can tell a difference. Im handling the stress of my kids esp my ADHD son alot better. Seems to help with me appetite too, so thats a plus.



Posts: 3902 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Allergy Hell
Candlemaker
Member
Member # 1600
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, May 12th (Saturday)

I'm wondering, has anyone had their depression worsen as the divorce nears? Needed to up or change their meds? Does it go away once the D is finalized?


If you can't go to bed with a good man, go to bed with a good book. It's much better company in the long run.

Jodi Thomas


Posts: 3311 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Oregon
vidajeanne
Member
Member # 5342
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, May 12th (Saturday)

chinookwind
Just wanted to touch base with you about learning to be happy. Medication is only one part of a multilevel approach to treating depression. Defeating depression requires you to learn to care for yourself physically, Mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Physically: Medication, exercise, eating enough protein, drinking enough water and getting enough rest.

Mentally: Learning to recognise and change distortions in your thinking (Feeling good handbook by David Burns). Learning the nature and power of thought. When you are ready, engaging in something mentally challenging.

Emotionally: Learning and practicing relaxation techniques, distress tolerance, Emotion regulation. Developing a social support system.

Spiritually: Finding out more about God (or your higher power). Learning to communicate with him and rely on him for help. Discovering meaning...

Working on any of these may be a helpful start.

(By the way, there are a number of over the counter suppliments that are supposed to be helpful if you don't want to take "anti depressents". I have heard that they work but I would research them well before trying them. St Johns wort - don't take with an anti dep without talking to Dr.,
5-HTP - don't take with an anti dep without talking to Dr., DLPA - don't take DLPA if you have PKU, and SAMe - be careful regarding SAMe if you have a tendency toward manic episodes...again research suppliments carefully before taking any!)

[This message edited by vidajeanne at 5:48 PM, May 12th (Saturday)]


on the other hand - I have other fingers
**********
Practice makes progress

Posts: 766 | Registered: Sep 2004
Candlemaker
Member
Member # 1600
Frustrated  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 21st (Monday)

Well I got my meds increased but yesterday as I was trying to get all my paperwork organized and last minute additions put together for arbitration today I had a major full blown panic/anxiety attack.

Right now all I can say is "I hate my life" .


If you can't go to bed with a good man, go to bed with a good book. It's much better company in the long run.

Jodi Thomas


Posts: 3311 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Oregon
no mor surprises
Member
Member # 7678
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)

I only read the past few posts. All of my life I have been dealing with depression on one level or another. The first feelings I remember are guilt and depression. Probably part is biologically based and part b/c of physical, sexual, emotional and verbal abuse. The abuse in all of those areas was at a low level but all pervasive.

I agree with the poster who said that exercise, spirituality and nutrition have alot of impact on alleviating depression. For me I have found that I need a strong anti-stress vitamin, and a b complex, along with exercise, diet and spirituality.

I tried same-e but I think that it caused bowel problems. I have colitis and have to be careful of my diet. I eat very little meat, butter, and dairy.

Depression is such a downer. I have had alot of suicide ideation ever since ijfo. With going back to the vitamins and such, I am doing better.


Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2005
Kittenfeet
Member
Member # 13807
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, May 26th (Saturday)

During IC we figured out that I have prolly been suffering for depression since I was in high school. But hid it rather well. During Dday1 in 2005 Dr put me on Celexa I thought I was cured and stopped taking, then was on Wellbufrin made me agry, then it was Lexapro and finally now I'm on Cymbalta 60mg and Lorazepam.
The only thing I have a problem with them is the decrease in appetite....I hardly at b/4 and now I have to force myself to eat. Family starting to yell at me for the weight lost....Which has been a lot since 2005


BS 47
WH 44
Married 17 years,
DDay 12/05
Filed for divorce 2/07put it off till the light went on in my head. Signed papers 11/26/08

Posts: 170 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Kentucky
traicionada
Member
Member # 10310
Sad  Posted: 11:36 PM, May 27th (Sunday)

This is officially, one of the awful days...I felt so bad I didn't even go to church. I barely manage to get out of bed right now to get to the computer but I'm already looking for an excuse to go back to bed...


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3180 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, May 28th (Monday)

I had a hellish day today. All weekend I've been so sad - tears come easily.

Do you ever feel like there is some sort of barrier between you and the rest of the world? I feel so much lately like I'm with people, but there is plexiglass between me and the rest of the world. You know, like being lonely in a room full of people? Does this make sense or am I rambling?

I've decided to stop drinking for awhile. I know I shouldn't mix the anti-ds and alcohol, but it hasn't been a real problem until recently. I just have a lot of stuff going on right now.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7557 | Registered: Aug 2005
musicgal
Member
Member # 4998
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, May 28th (Monday)

I haven't read this whole thread but I totally belong here! My first official depression I remember was in college and I would want to make myself throw up after eating--I never did. I have completely suffered with it continuously for 10 years.

I tried to take welbuterin and it almost killed me. The PA I saw said there was nothing else I could take.

After D-day I bega taking lexapro which literally changed my life. I suffer from SAD also and I don't think my dose is high enogh for the winter. Right now I have no health insurance and am out so I am trying to figure out what to do.

MG


"as tough as wanting something is, those who suffer most are those who don't know what they want."-- Grey's Anatomy

Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Indiana
OnlyLonely
Member
Member # 14326
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, June 3rd (Sunday)

I had no idea how depressed I was, I had suspected an affair the entire time and did catch him on my own with no real support. By the time the A was out I was a wreck, he was in the fog and I finally left. I went to my doctor to get tested for everything under the sun and he said that I really needed meds. They really did help. I am still taking Xanax and it helps me keep the edge off.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married: 18 years

Status: In R


Posts: 7555 | Registered: Apr 2007
traicionada
Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, June 16th (Saturday)

I'm still not ready to go back to meds...I have been off for almost 10 years and I haven't tried something stupid since but I can help to wonder if meds would fix me this time around. Technically, meds have improved a lot since but I can't help to be afraid.


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3180 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
baltimore
Member
Member # 13766
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, June 18th (Monday)

Help!

I don't know what to do. Our dday was in Dec. 06. The A ended right before I found out about it. My H has always dealt with depression his entire life - never diagnosed - would never talk to anyone about it.

He is at an all time low right now and I don't know what to do. He hasn't worked, taken a bath, nothing for 2 weeks - missed our sons graduation this morning - couldn't get out of bed.

He sleeps all day, wakes up - eats, cries, sleeps.

I called the local hospital - they said he had to come in voluntarily - I know he wont't. Does anyone have any ideas - what can I do?


Posts: 392 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: baltimore
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, June 18th (Monday)

I can't believe I missed this thread.

I was recently diagnosed by my new IC as chronically depressed. Probably have been since the affairs started in 1994.

She recently referred me to a psychiatrist, but I haven't called yet. I just thought those overwhelming waves of saddness were because of the monumental devasation from Dday. I had been feeling pretty good about myself for a year or so prior. She said Dday probably just short circuited the fragile repair I had done by myself with diet and exercise.

My original IC told me to think about ADs a long time ago. They are a huge trigger for me because my H suggested them when he was busy gaslighting me at the very beginning of this whole mess 13 yeras ago. I was depressed, didn't know why and saw my Dr who prescribed them. The reason was actually that my H was cheating on me right and left and my reality wasn't lining up with what my gut was saying.

I have a particularly hard time living in the NOW. Everything is a trigger for me, especially since my H is dealing with his own issues of self-worth and guilt and reacts with anger when I get in one of my saddness episodes.

Has anyone else had a spouse who's completely clueless on the issue of depression. How did you educate them? I'm thinking of having our MC talk to him tonight.

ETA: He seems to think this is "all in my head" and I can talk myself out of it or rather that I talk myself INTO the depressive states.

[This message edited by weepy at 12:52 PM, June 18th (Monday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
unsureofanything
Member
Member # 10773
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 18th (Monday)

Not sure how I missed this thread, but I'm happy to have found it now.

I am newly diagnosed with depression, brought on by my H's As, and exacerbated by my very stressful day to day life. I am going to see a phych to get tested and a Rx for meds. I have been adverse to meds for a loooooong time, but I know I need them. I am barely functioning.

ANYONE HERE BREASTFEEDING A BABY AND TAKING MEDS? I'm curious which meds you are taking. Did you get your hormone levels tested too? I know hormones is playing a big role for me, as I have been either pregnant or nursing for almost 4 years straight.


Just tired of feeling like a sucker.

Posts: 313 | Registered: May 2006
morgaine108
Member
Member # 14946
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 18th (Monday)

Unsure-

I am not BF now, but I did nurse my son till he was 29 months and was on meds most of that time. I took Zoloft because that is the med my Dr. said has the most studies done on it in nursing mothers and the amount that passes into the milk is very negligible.


FWS...very new all still very raw
Married 8 years, together 10
Me, 31 BS, 32
One 3 year old son
D-day June 10, 2007

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, June 18th (Monday)

One more question folks. Has anyone tried alternative treatments like St. Johns Wort or holistic medicines before going on the ADs?

Is there any info out there for families living with the depressed. Like that might tell them yelling at the person or trying to joke them out of it won't work?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
HowToForget
Member
Member # 14507
Frustrated  Posted: 10:43 PM, June 18th (Monday)

I have never dealt with depression, until now. I was one of the many who thought they would never take any form of AD's. Well my FWH A changed all of that.

I spent the first few months trying to deal with this on my own. HA! That's a joke, it is impossible to deal with anything when you are hurt, angry, sad, literally sick, wishing you would just go to sleep and not wake up and crying all the time. I just went on Lexapro and Clonopin for sleep last Friday. The Clonopin is doing wonders, had my first good nights sleep in weeks with no side affects The Lexapro hasn't had time to work yet, but boy is it doing a number on my stomache. I will just deal with it to get better. It is pitiful what we go through because of someone who claims to love us, yet they do something so horrible it changes who we are!!

M


Me:38
Him:38
Married:16 yrs
2 beautiful kids:
15 y/o boy & 13 y/o girl
D-Day:4/10/07
**Trying really hard to R**

~~I Luv Pie~~


Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
Lonerider
Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 19th (Tuesday)

unsure,

DW was on Effexor while carrying and nursing our youngest daughter, we can't see any bad side effects six years later.

weepy,

I know I could use a good support group for dealing with DW's depression, I mostly use SI for that.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, June 19th (Tuesday)

lone, have you ever talked to her therapist? Have you read all the family information about depression?

I tried to talk to my H about it last night, so did the MC, but he's not interested beyond "whatever it takes to make her feel better because my life will be so much easier if she does." Selfish or what? Makes me want to NOT get treated must to pay him back.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
unsureofanything
Member
Member # 10773
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, June 20th (Wednesday)

QUESTION ABOUT DIAGNOSIS AND MED RX:

How did you all go about getting your Rx? I have been referred to an MD (psychiatrist) through my IC (psychologist) and he is going to run whatever tests I/he think I need to determine the proper meds.

What I thnik I need tested:

*hormone levels
*vitamin/nutritional deficiencies

Are there any other tests I should be aware of as options before I go see him. Just want to be sure I am covering all my bases.

What other tests can I expect he might want to run on me?

Feeling a little nervous about this.

[This message edited by unsureofanything at 6:20 PM, June 20th (Wednesday)]


Just tired of feeling like a sucker.

Posts: 313 | Registered: May 2006
HowToForget
Member
Member # 14507
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, June 22nd (Friday)

I have been taking Lexapro now for a week, and I feel like it is starting to work. It messed up my stomache for the first few days, but now that is ok.

Can anyone tell me any long term side affects with this AD? Iv'e heard it is one of the ADs with the fewest side affects. What about weight gain, I've always been blessed with a very high metabolism, I'm 5'5" usually weighing 115-117, but I've lost 13 lbs since dday. Also just found out I'm Hyperthyroid, so I have to take meds for that too. And that causes weight loss as well. I'm just worried now that I'm messing with my system for the first time ever that I'm going to gain the weight back and then some.

Also concerned about sexual side affects, so far I still feel normal in that dept.

And what about having a glass or two of wine? I have always enjoyed wine. I haven't drank since I started feeling so sick. Now that I feel a little better it would be nice to have a glass now and then. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

M


Me:38
Him:38
Married:16 yrs
2 beautiful kids:
15 y/o boy & 13 y/o girl
D-Day:4/10/07
**Trying really hard to R**

~~I Luv Pie~~


Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
Greenegirl
Member
Member # 9607
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, June 22nd (Friday)

It has been suggested that I have my vitamins checked too (in the winter). I get kind of grumpy and eat too much, although it's nto as bad as it was before I started taking Paxil. This could be a D defiency related to depressive genetic makeup.

Someone asked about St Johns Wort. I tried it for a week or so before I went on Paxil. What it did was make me acutely anxious. I'd wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat panting and panicky.

The psychiatrist said probably it lifted the depression but didn't touch the underlying anxiety. I have more of an anxiety disorder than depression. I get depressed as a result of the unbearable anxiety.

So -- I'm not a fan of self-medicating.


Posts: 3081 | Registered: Jan 2006
mollyb
Member
Member # 995
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, June 24th (Sunday)

I am not depressed myself (I have been on AD's since first finding out about the A. I just stay on them to keep the status quo. I tend to run pretty happy.

My SO is in a severe depression right now. Nothing in his life is going right--his business is failing. He is having difficulties with his kids, he is on meds for some health issues which he also believes may be contributing to his depression.

He doesn't engage or seem to care about much of anything. He alost never laughs or smiles. He is eeyore all the time. I am trying to be patient.

1. It is starting to bring me down, too.

2. I feel helpless. How do I help him? What can I do?

3. I feel that he doesn't even want to be with me.

4. I find myself taking this all personally. I try not to, but I just can't help it.

Can anyone offer any suggestions? He has an appt. to see a counselor on Thursday.


Posts: 1732 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Massachusetts
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, June 25th (Monday)

I'm a lot like Greenegirl re: anxiety.

And, I'm hypersensitive.

Heck, I'm the AD "side effects" Queen.
So, NO thanks to any AD's.

I just wait for Depression to pass. I don't want to be a freaking out Zombie.

I find that writing, chocolate, and enough rest help me.

After all, its normal to be depressed after what has happened to us.

Besides, the idea of enriching the Pharmaceuticals makes me wanna

((((((hugs, everybody))))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
misto1976
Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 28th (Thursday)

I thought this might be the right forum to go to. Whew, after reading six pages of posting I think I'm in the right place lol. I have also dealt with depression since a very young age. I can remember having suicidal thoughts after my sister committed suicide when I was eight years old and it just went from there with many years of cutting and half-hearted attempts at suicide. I knew inside me that I didn't want to have to deal with life and it seemed like everything was wasted but I also knew from dealing with it with my sister that suicide devastates everyone and is a very selfish road to take. So in my unrational teenage mind I figured that cutting and occasional burning and keeping it all a secret was achieving the same end...relieving the inner pain with physical pain and no one had to be the wiser but myself. Of course as I grew up I realized that it wasn't really helping me but at that point it was more of an addiction than anything. I have my good days and my bad days but now when money permits I usually just get a tattoo or piercing and feel the same release that the cutting provides but unfortunately those things are expensive and right now financially things aren't so great because my employer (I am a contract worker) isn't sending my checks which sends me into fits of anxiety and depression to rival all others. I was doing really good with not cutting until Dday and I just lost it. I didn't immediately pick up a sharp, shiny object (as I call them) but I did find myself on my bathroom floor dragging my fingernails down my neck and arms making huge bloody, red lines and then tearing my house apart at my lowest point searching for anything sharp. I used knifes, scissors anything I could find and thankfully not a damn thing in my house was sharp enough to actually kill myself.
I've never been on AD's. I once was diagnosed with bipolar but my H and my mother said that I didn't need to go back and see the doctor again and that it would pass eventually. It does pass eventually and it does come back which is how it has always been but I didn't argue with them and just didn't go back. Now at this point I made my H quit his job so he wouldn't be around the OW and we moved away from my home town where the A started to a new town which is a whole lot to deal with but now he has started a new job with no medical benefits so any hope for ADs or just help in general is just that...a hope. Anyways, this has gotten way too long and I didn't mean for it to lol but anyone with the same problems or anyone with advice please pm me.


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
hurts
Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, June 30th (Saturday)

For a long time,

I don't buy stuff for me,

I don't spend money on me,

I don't go and do things for me,
I wear my shoes until they just fall apart on my feet,

I struggle to get new socks, took me three months to finally get some,

I just can't find any reason to splurge when I want,

Even when I have it,

I feel guilty for thinking about myself,

I live in a mental gutter of myself,

i struggle to find meaning,

purpose,

desire,

i feel like the bad guy in life, I am the enemy to all in my family,

I just can't seem to get anything right,

This is years long, with occasional breaks in good times,

You know why,

It is simple,

I used to be able to see the future,
I could see myself doing things,

going places,

being with family,

enjoying the kids,

All the things that makes life good.


but i am blind,

I just can't see anymore,

It is not there,

I am at a loss,

Nothing matters a lot,

Why,

Because I don't expect to be alive tommorrow,

so why bother.

I hate this feeling today,

But I have many days when I pray for relief,

relief in the form of a death.

I just have no ambition to breath many days.

But I get up,

I have a pulse,

And i say shit,

i guess i got to get up and go,

maybe tommorrow will be better.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, June 30th (Saturday)

(((hurts))) Everyday has a reason in it to go on. No matter what's happened yesterday, today, tomorrow is another chance. Please find one joy.

Look, I didn't do a damn thing for myself in over 10 years. 10 years of denial and self sacrifice and WTF did it get me? I find my anger moves me, inspires me.

Can you try that?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurts
Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, June 30th (Saturday)

I have been playing with this fo a while. I am on that rller coaster. But I currently find me not liking this feeling.

I posted here because it is applicable and it is less traveled. I just wanted to put it out there.

One thing I am trying to do is to rid myself of my anger, it serves me worse than anything else.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
traicionada
Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, July 6th (Friday)

Hurt,
I'm with Weepy on this one. You need to embrace some of the good anger. The kind of anger that helps you leave the shattered dream and broken promises behind...
The kind of anger that forces you be good to yourself not matter how much you're hating yourself for hurting this much...
The kind of anger that reminds you that the only reason why it hurts is because you're capable of caring...


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3180 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
sameolesameole
Member
Member # 15283
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, August 10th (Friday)

For those who are leery about AD's there are some alternatives.

5HTP is a serotonin agent.
SAM-e is a dopamine agent.
Acupunture is good for endorphines. Which is the grandaddy of serotonin I think.


Posts: 73 | Registered: Jul 2007
Last Laugh
Member
Member # 11653
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 26th (Sunday)

Suffered severe depression from age of 6. My dad just disappeared from my life after promising to see me the following day for my birthday. He and my mom were divorced. For years, whenever I tried to find him, my mom put a spoke in the wheels and tried to placate me with BS like "when men get divorced and meet another woman, they forget about their own children because they're either having more children with new wife or being a dad to any children she already has". At 16, I found out my mom had told my dad on the eve of my 6th birthday that it would be best if he did not see me again as she was getting ready to remarry. My dad committed suicide that night. I was beyond devastated and tried to commit suicide myself that night by slitting my wrists. I landed up with 165 stitches in my arms and was immediately released from hospital with my mom having been given instructions to get me to a shrink. She did nothing but berate me for my choice so I locked myself in the bathroom and scrubbed my arms with a scrubbing brush with laundry soap until all the stitches were torn out and the gaping wounds were gushing blood. I then drank a bottle of household cleaner (no tablets available). After my mom got no response from me through the bathroom door, they broke it down and I was again taken to hospital. From there, the social worker arranged for me to be admitted to a psychiatric facility. I was there for 6 months seeing a psychiatrist every day. I was on a host of medications and became adept at hiding my feelings and telling the staff what they wanted to hear. I was still planning on committing suicide at the first opportunity I got. I didn't take my meds at the facility and hoarded them.

After six months I was discharged with a huge number of various ADs and anti anxiety meds with instructions to my mom that they be kept under lock and key and only be administered as directed by her personally. Needless to say, after about a week, this regime pissed my mom off because she had 4 other kids to look after besides me and she promptly gave me all my meds and said something to the effect of "well, if you want to kill yourself, go ahead, just make sure you do a good job of it this time".

I remember fighting the instinct to just swallow all those damn pills until one day, something just gave and, while my mom and step dad were out, I took all the tablets. They got home and found me unconscious. The paramedics were called and I was admitted to ICU on life support. I eventually regained consciousness a week later and was made a ward of the Court and put in a government mental institution.

For reasons unknown to me, my mom wanted me back home so part of the reunification plan was that the entire family had to have therapy. During this time I admitted to the shrink that at 13 I'd been raped by one of my mom's friends whilst helping him look after his kids while his wife was in hospital. I told my mom at the time and she told me it was my own fault as I must have encouraged it.

My mom was found to be suffering from depression at this time too and was put on medication. After 18 months I was returned home and slept with the first guy (a man much older than myself) who said he loved me. I landed up pregnant and got married. This was a physically abusive relationship and although I suffered from (for me) low grade depression, I took my ADs as prescribed and held it together pretty well. By now I had 2 small children, had never worked and had absolutely no skills to enable me to do so. I eventually left then husband and literally bullshitted my way into a job working for attorneys (after a 12 hour typing course). I then divorced my husband and got sole custody and sole guardianship of my kids. I applied myself diligently to my job and climbed the ranks within the legal field until I qualified as a para legal. Still taking ADs. Wasn't depressed but was terrified to stop taking them.

5 years later met my current husband who didn't approve of ADs and, with the help of a psychiatrist, I came off them.

Had another baby and life was great. After 20 years, my H had an EA with a co worker. During this time H tried to convince me I was totally insane. Would phone OW during the middle of the night and then say it was one of my multiple personalities that had done it. I was totally dependent on my H as I'd recently had a major stroke following the death of our first grandchild. I quickly found myself back in the black pit of despair and once again took an overdose. Landed up back in ICU, only to be discharged again with more meds.

H was still being dishonest and gaslighting big time. I could not function at all. I never got out of bed and just to have a bath was a major effort.

I had made a friend here on SI who I spoke to on the telephone every day and she really kept me going. I do not recall what triggered my last suicide attempt, nor do I recall gathering up every tablet in my home and taking them. Fortunately my SI friend phoned and realised something was terribly wrong as I was absolutely incoherent. She managed to track my H down at work purely from little bits and pieces I'd told her about my life and told him he'd better get me some help immediately.

I was once again admitted to a psych. hospital where I was detained at the pleasure of the state. I had to appear before a Magistrate on a weekly basis and, when he was satisfied that I was no longer an imminent threat to myself, he released me conditionally. I had to agree to see a State appointed private psychiatrist as often as said psychiatrist deemed necessary. Also had to have 24/7 care. The psychiatrist was amazing. Saw him every day for a good couple of months, then weekly, fortnightly and then monthly. I think I was on every AD and mood stabilizer on the market at one time or another until we found the right combination. The shrink would occasionally phone me at 08h00 and tell me to be at the lab by 09h00 for a blood test to check my med levels and would pop in to visit unannounced.

This man is, no doubt, a hero in my opinion. Two years after my initial consultation, he discharged me and I was released from Court ordered treatment by the State. That was over 2 years ago and I have subsequently come off all my meds but am acutely aware that depression can strike again at any time and will take the necessary steps to get ADs again, should I ever start to backslide. My M is better than ever and I'm the happiest I've been in my whole life.

There is life after depression folks. It's a long uphill battle, but well worth it.


trust is gained by many deeds and lost by only one.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Aug 2006
BeenCheatedON
New Member
Member # 12969
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, September 1st (Saturday)

Ive been diagnosed with Depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder since I was 10 years old ( was sexually abused). My PTSD was in remission all these years till my husband had the affair (which resulted in a child). I found out about the affair almost 2 years ago and my H just went to court for CS for the kid and Im having a hard time dealing with it. WE are totally happily married and I have forgiven him, but Im so depressed about the OW and OC being a part of our lives for the rest of our lives that it consumes my every thought!! She took us to the cleaners and now we cant afford the kids that we have ( one with a disease.. Hirschsprungs disease). She lives with her parents has no bills and makes more then my husband but still got a LARGE amount for support and not to mention the HUGE amount of back CS even though she had no Job the entire time of the back CS. I wish I could just accept that this is my life and move on but I cant. HEr and my H did so much damage to me and my children so I have a hard time even wanting to go on. I mean I dont really want to be in this world where it is so unfair and my children are worth so much less then a C taht was a result of an affair. The only reason why I havent taken my life is because I do have these kids... But.. on the other hand I think they would be better off because right now all they do is see me cry. HOw can that be healthy for them?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From:
Lonerider
Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, September 4th (Tuesday)

BeenCheatedON.

I know where you're coming from, my daughters are keeping me focused.

Your kids need you, depression and all. Have you been to your psychiatrists lately? Maybe your meds need adjusting.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, September 4th (Tuesday)

I've been on Wellbutrin now for 3 weeks. Some days I notice a lessening of the anger and anxiety and low thoughts, but just this past weekend, I dropped into the basement again. I know it's the neurochemicals still out of balance because of the cravings for sweets (search for dopamine) or whatever "good" chemical eating chocolate releases.

I have made up my mind I'm not going to harm myself. I can't and won't go there. But I can't shake the feelings of worthlessness and I've been crying all weekend.

I thought the meds were supposed to help!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hope4better
Member
Member # 14919
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, September 13th (Thursday)

Damn, another club I belong to. Good God, this is ridiculous! My IC says my depression is getting worse so now he wants to put me on meds. I didn't want to but maybe it will help. I'm tired of this! Right now, I'm willing to try anything to get this to just go away even if for a short period of time.


Me: BW-35
Him: WH-35
Kids: 13 and 2yrs (both kids are his)
DDay #1: Summer of 1998 (ow#1)
DDay #2: Summer of 2003 (ow#2)
DDay #3: Summer of 2004 (ow#3)
DDay #4: Summer of 2005 (ow#4 21yr old) He kept this one
Married: 6yrs Divorced: 2007

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: midwest
sunkissed
Member
Member # 15770
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, September 19th (Wednesday)

Well, add me to the club too I guess.

I was put on Zoloft at the beginning of August. I was also given Xanax in July for my panic attacks as a result of the A.

Fast forward to now...I'm still on Zoloft. Hate it. Mostly b/c I have a hard time reaching 'O'. Also I feel as if it's not really working on the 'sad' part anymore. Since I'm pretty much sad all the time now.

I believe it started for me after the birth of our 3rd baby. Although, I never knew it was that. But looking back and knowing what I do now, it really was depression.

After dday, I can remember sitting in the tub with all my pills lined up. Just staring at them. Of course I didn't take them but I sure wanted to. Then about 3 weeks ago, the continuing sadness over the A caught up to me. This time, it was so overwhelming that I took a pair of scissors and tried to cut myself on my upper leg. Didn't do more than scratch and bleed a little. FWH wanted to call 911 but I talked him out of it. I just needed somewhere for the pain to go. I feel as if it has no way to leave my body. That was the 1st and only time I've ever did that. FWH made me promise not to do it again. I said I wouldn't but there are days and times (especially today, this is why I'm here right now) that I keep thinking that I need to 'release' that heartache.

I got to IC (sometimes...military doctors fill up quickly), I journal. FWH is supportive and everything that he has to be to make us work again and heal.

So now, here I am. I guess I'm joining the club.


Sunkissed

Me: BS, 34
FWS: 34

D-day #1 (I thought it was just an EA): July 8th, 2007

D-day #2 (found out was actual PA): July 17th, 2007

D-day #3 - Our anniversary. July 21, 2007.


Posts: 437 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: NC
ayala902
New Member
Member # 16281
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, September 20th (Thursday)

I just started Prozac a week ago. I was hospitalized recently in a psych ward shortly after finding out my SO's ONS. The first two days I felt happy and relaxed. The next two days I was easily agitated. Of course, that was after I had been discharged from the hospital and exposed to what made me go batty in the first place. I prefer Prozac to Zoloft only because I experienced extreme stomach upset with the Zoloft. However, I do realize that meds alone cannot work. My therapy plays a very important part in my dealing with depression.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Forest Park
notmyfairytale
Member
Member # 15348
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)

No meds alone can't work. Exercise is great, so is finding a hobby outside the house. I went on Lexapro and took a cake decorating class one night a week. Its helped a lot, and I am looking at coming off the Lexapro near Christmas. I have battled depression for years, but this pushed me back on the meds. They are a great way to get over that initial hump. Whether or not oyu need to stay on them is a decision for you and your doc.


me- 30 FBS
him 38 FWS
MadHatter in my First M

Reconciled.

Proud member of the purple Dyson club.

Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it and walk away.

Have you hugged your MOD today?


Posts: 1729 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: SC
cheshire
Member
Member # 16529
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, October 11th (Thursday)

Currently, I'm very depressed I just lost my F due to her cheating. Currently, I'm depressed and taking 5http. It helps, but I don't really want to move up to anything higher. Any suggestions for dealing with depression without medication?


BS (33)
WS (31)

One who trusts can never be betrayed--only mistaken. - Unknown


Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: San Francisco
traicionada
Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

I stopped taking meds years ago and honestly sometimes I wonder why I don't go back until I remember the side effects
Tips: Try eating healthy (even it you don't feel like eating anything at all), drink plenty of water (even if it makes you go pi 100 times a day) and get some natural sun light
And most important stay connect to positive people, it works wonders


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3180 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
oncewaslost
Member
Member # 14704
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, October 18th (Thursday)

I was diagnosed around the time I started with internet sites. I stopped once the meds started working, but started again once I was off the meds. (a few months) I think my depression contributed to my waywardness. I am currently trying to get ahold of my doctor so I can get my moods fully under control.


"I know I made a lot of mistakes and failures, but I promise you there's a part of me worth keeping" - anonomous
Me:FWH 32 (recovering SA)
Her:FBS 34 (closertofine)
Married 7 years
3 beautiful girls 4,8 and 14
S oct 7/07

Posts: 104 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday)

Was doing pretty well, but find myself slipping back into the dark hole. Trying everything I know to stay away from the dark. It's just so hard to do the things you KNOW you need to when the D grabs you.

Must get up and go to work. Must try to care about my job. Must see the sun when it is shining. Must exercise even though I want to stay in bed and pull the covers up. Must eat healthy food. Must put one foot in front of the other until I get to the other side.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7557 | Registered: Aug 2005
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday)

I'm having a tough time understanding how 300 mg of Wellbutrin isn't affecting me more.

I still cry almost daily, feel hopeless, worthless a lot of the time. I do not want to switch to the SSRIs though. I can't afford to gain any weight and my libido has enough trouble on it's own without chemical help.

Only thing I can say is that I don't feel like killing myself any more. But I do feel like killing him.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurts
Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday)

NL - han in there. I know only too well what it is to have to push yourself to get up and to do what needs to be done. It can be so hard.

I too am slipping back down the slide. It is just a roller coaster, you know it will get better, just trying to survive the down slide is tough.

I know my fear right now is that I am caring less and less about my well being or my being at all. This is such a tough battle. I really do hate it. But I know that it has always tured aroud and am hoping this time will be no different.

You take care and keep fighting the fight.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday)

I take Effexor XR, but I've cut back on the dosage because I'm broke and I'm trying to make them last. I just hate that I'm dependent on a drug to make me feel normal. I've been on them for years and I don't think I can ever stop.

Can't see my therapist because I owe her money and they are threatening legal action for the unpaid portion of my bill. I was keeping up until I had a missed appointment - my insurance wouldn't pay a penny of it and it was $120. So, I got behind on the bill.

I'm trying really hard to find a part-time job for evenings and weekends to pull in some extra cash, but I can't seem to get hired because I have no retail experience.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7557 | Registered: Aug 2005
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Frustrated  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 31st (Wednesday)

Me again - needing to vent. Went to get my anti-ds refilled and there was a note from my therapist on it saying "you need to make and KEEP an appointment."

Okay - I missed 1 appointment. I was a little spazzed out at the time. And since it was a no-show my insurance paid nothing. So I was stuck with the full bill. This made me get behind on payments. They are threatening me with collections.

So - I need my refill, because I'm depressed. I'm tight on money so I put it on my charge card which is almost maxed out. I need to see my IC, but I owe her too much money so I've been trying to get through this on my own. Now she's using my staying away as a reason not to refill my scrip.

Ever feel like circumstances are conspiring against you???

I called her and left a message explaining my circumstances. Hopefully she'll have some compassion.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7557 | Registered: Aug 2005
KAZ48
Member
Member # 16526
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, October 31st (Wednesday)

I've been on Wellbutrin for almost a year now.
It is great medicine and has truly helped.


Heavy Heart


Posts: 123 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Alabama
dwells31
New Member
Member # 16654
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, November 8th (Thursday)

Guys, gotta tell you, I was out of my mind with thoughts of murder and suicide. I had the whole plan. I beat the living shit out of myself one night and it looked like I was in a car wreck. Going crazy at 40 because of something I had nothing to do with was killing me. I talked with the M/C about this and she made a call. I went and picked up an anti-depressent and within 4 days, I was able to focus on my job, sleep somewhat, and picked my appetite back up a little. Just do it. It's embaressing but you'll be so glad you did. I can face the day without all those unwanted thoughts distracting me and don't feel so overwhelmed and hopeless.
The pills don't make you euphoric, just a little closer to normal.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2007
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, November 18th (Sunday)

I'm joining this club.

Turned myself in the ER last week for help beacuse I couldn't bear the pain longer. Will see my family doctor this week to get AD's at my therapist request.

Happy club, isn't it?


It is what it is.

Posts: 4681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
hollywood_mjl
Member
Member # 16664
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)

So, I've read pages and pages, but I want to know who has actually experienced negative side-effects with Lexapro? Seems like most like it from reading through the thread. I have been taking st. john's wort, and it helps, but just not enough. I think it would be great for seasonal depression or mild, but just not enough for me now. It keeps me from suicidal thoughts and from crying at work, but that's the only improvement i've seen. Just an fyi. Oh, and it did take a couple weeks before I started feeling better on the St. John's.


Eh, he had an Affair, I left him...and I'm happy...life goes on.

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Oct 2007
chelle1966316
Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, December 19th (Wednesday)

I heard on some news show the other day that Effexor is the worse thing to be on because it is very addictive.
In a way I agree.If I miss a dose for more than a day I can feel it.
Once my prescription ran out and it was about four days.I wanted to die.I got very ill like having severe flu.
I would really like to go off this or anything else for good.Mt depression is situational and I often wonder if the meds dont make you worse to some point.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
napewastewin
Member
Member # 15297
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, December 26th (Wednesday)

What do you do when after years of AD's your head is still askew. IC and MC are not an option for financial reasons mostly, but also H does not or will not do the MC thing. He said he would leave first. See how much I matter. I have fought hard for a long time now. I struggle to hold on. I work to support the family now. In this economy jobs are hard to find and I try to help my H pay bills, help my sons get on their feet and help to raise my grandaughter. I have no personal life, I do not know how to talk with others anylonger. Small talk is out of the question most days. I live to work and take care of others knowing I really don't matter to the one who should care. I am sick of depression, just had enough. where does anyone go from here?


take your candle and go light your world

Posts: 1443 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Michigan
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, December 26th (Wednesday)

nape, just saw your post and the very first thing I thought of was... you have to find time for yourself. I read your paragraph and immediately saw me many years ago. I was convinced H was cheating on me, then he pulled the "you must be depressed, paranoid, delusional" card. Refused MC. I wanted to quit work, he wouldn't "let" me because frankly we DID need me to work, I just wanted to know he would take care of me.... he failed. So, I went on ADs worked harder, tried to make myself into someone he would love and be proud of... and he continued his affairs for 7 more years.

Don't do this to yourself. Talk to your dr. about your medication, find time to take a walk with your grandchild, let your sons take care of themselves! And really, seriously think about why you want to be with someone who disrespects you that way... no wonder you feel more depressed.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
lorieann75
Member
Member # 17515
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, December 29th (Saturday)

before all this happened i had always had bouts of depression as a child too- but not to the point of meds until my thirties. After this happened in August I nearly had a total breakdown and I'm STILL nearly having one.

my therapist has me on sooo many meds just to get thru each day and sleeping meds too. Welbutrin, xanax, others I dont remember the names. I feel like a total wreck and i STILL cant function properly.

My family has a long history of suicide and that has always been a red flag for me and I DO see a therapist as often as I can afford to. My father, his brother, and my grandfather (same side) were all suicides.


BW : 32 (me)
WH : 27
Together/Engaged 7 years
DDay 1(EA) 08/27/2007
DDay 2(Phys) 10/07/2007
Status: I wanted R & MC but he chose the OW. Me & OWH both left in tatters. Hopeless

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Midwest
napewastewin
Member
Member # 15297
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, December 31st (Monday)

As much as I am strugling right now I so do not recomend suicide. It is devastating for those left behind. My 17 year old nephew hung himself. He had been staying at my home, spending time (3days) with my boys. We took him home late that afternoon. He lived an hour away. We had just walked in the door and we recieved the phone call that he had hung himself. To this day I feel quilt over not knowing that he was even feeling something like this. No note no nothin. Suicide is final for the one who commits and fot those they leave.

[This message edited by napewastewin at 7:01 AM, December 31st (Monday)]


take your candle and go light your world

Posts: 1443 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Michigan
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, December 31st (Monday)

My mother attempted suicide when I was 15 years old. I don't think I ever forgave her.

I felt suicidal until I went on Wellbutrin just 3 months ago. Two years of wanting to die because my H cheated on me!

Now I'm just angry that I invested so much in someone who was incapable of love. And why should I end MY life because he was a POS? Why do I care what someon with no moral fiber or ethics thinks about me? Why does his opinion of me, the opinion of an idiot, matter?

I'm a good person, an ethical person, a loveable person. HE's screwed up. And I won't give up MY life for him.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
1Forward1Back
Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, December 31st (Monday)

I heard on some news show the other day that Effexor is the worse thing to be on because it is very addictive.

Chelle, as a general rule, antidepressants are not addictive. I know that because I work in the area of mental health as well as being on Effexor SR myself. However, Effexor is somewhat more difficult to stop than some of the other ADs. When we are taking patients off of this drug, we wean them over a period of a week or two.

I have been on Effexor SR for well over a year now. I have no noticable side effects. It keeps me level. I still have times when I feel down, but that's the rollercoaster ride this infidelity stuff throws us on. Personally I could care less if I take this until the day I die. Long before this happened I was an advocate for those suffering from a mental health disorder. It's sad for me to hear or read that some are embarrassed by having to take medication for depression. Although I do not tell people about the infidelity, I have no problem letting them know I take ADs. To me it's no different than a diabetic taking insulin.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
chelle1966316
Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, December 31st (Monday)

So how do you wean them?Do they have side effects from that?Once I had stopped taking it at one point because I couldnt get the prescription refilled right off and boy I got so sick.I thought I was dying of some weird flu thing.Honestly.Then I thought maybe its from withdrawals from the meds.Sure enough it was.I have never had that experience and never will again.At some point I would like to try living without the meds and see how life is once again but going through that again scares the pants off me.
I couldnt even go to work for two days.
The good thing about it is I dont get side effects either and I wont go off it without the Drs help.
I have no problem telling anyone if they ask but I dont bring it up.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
1Forward1Back
Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, December 31st (Monday)

You really should be supervised by your doctor. I take 150 mg. a day. If I were to go off, I'd ask my doctor for the 37.5 mg. capsules. I'd probably go down 37.5 every 3 or 4 days, if not more. On the active mental health unit, we wean our clients more quickly, but then we are there to supervise them. As well, we give them a mild anti-anxiety med if they feel jittery from the withdrawal. They usually don't have to take many of those meds because the jitters don't last very long.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
leezy
New Member
Member # 17242
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)

I know I'm not the one who should be writing here about being depressed,since I am the WS, but I think I am (or am starting to). I'd been okay the past few weeks, but then there was a death in my family, Christmas, and now I"m having these horrible obsessive thoughts. I can't eat, do things around the house, or get out of bed really (unless I have to). I'm sad and cry all of the time, because of the things I've done. I'm not sure if I should see a doctor, or just wait until my husband is home and see if things get better. I really dont' want to go on anti-d's...I don't know what to do...

Posts: 50 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: WA
hurtnside
Member
Member # 17088
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, January 7th (Monday)

Hi Leezy... Just a quick word to tell you that just because you are a WS, there is no reason to NOT post here about depression. Don't think for one moment that because you "started" this, you don't have a right to feel certain things. The overwhelming guilt and self-disgust you feel is quiet often the "best" triggers to a downward spiral into depression. Depression does not choose sides....


FWS-Me 30(hurtnside) BH-Him 34(Dadof_1, aka: Joshufett)
Married 2 1/2 years
Together 8 years
2 kids 11 and 10

In R


Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
LifeInCrisis
Member
Member # 2155
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, January 12th (Saturday)

I get a strong impression from this board that anti-depressant medication is much more readily used in the US than in Europe.

Direct consumer advertising of pharmaceuticals is still banned in Europe, so the awareness of specific drugs and brand names is an even more striking difference.

I don't know what the implications of this are. I just wanted to point out the sometimes dramatic difference in attitudes which exist in the western world on this issue.

In Europe, my impression is that "ADs" are usually regarded as an absolute last resort, reluctantly prescribed - something to be avoided if at all possible.



Posts: 528 | Registered: Sep 2003 | From: Europe
napewastewin
Member
Member # 15297
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, January 13th (Sunday)

LifeInCrisis,
I fought against going on AD's at first, was outvoted so to speak. I usualy try a holistic approach to wellness.
I did try to quit AD's cold turkey but that did not go well as you fall hard. In my world, "my peers" It goes, God first for healing, then nature, then Doctors and meds, then you know who forbid, pyhchiatrists, phychologists, councilors.....It is interesting the difference between countries, even between areas and groups. Tell me more about your area, pm me if you wish.

[This message edited by napewastewin at 7:59 AM, January 13th (Sunday)]


take your candle and go light your world

Posts: 1443 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Michigan
LifeInCrisis
Member
Member # 2155
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, January 13th (Sunday)

I was being understated in my post (from a sort of fear ). Now I will be controversial (i.e. honest ).

They're mind-altering chemicals, sometimes with side effects. They apparently can be addictive. Do reliable longtitudinal studies exist? (who knows what the long-term effects are? can we know for sure they are not carcinogens, for example?)

Is there such a difference between recommending ADs and recommending alcohol or cannabis? They also numb the pain.

Big Pharma makes no profit if you choose the latter. There are very good reasons why direct to consumer advertising by pharmaceutical companies is banned in Europe.

I worry that uppers or downers aren't the best way to tackle life's problems. In individual cases, it may be so, but the overall cultural prominence of ADs in the US is something very striking (and something I don't find enviable).

It would be interesting to hear this debate taken up by medical professionals from different parts of the world. I am no such person, so my comments are person and at the level of cultural phenomena rather than science.


Posts: 528 | Registered: Sep 2003 | From: Europe
napewastewin
Member
Member # 15297
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, January 14th (Monday)

Thank you, I share some of the same concerns as you do
LifeInCrisis When I tried to go off my AD's cold turkey, I went right back to or worse then when I first started them. I am going to try to get off them again. I know that they have helped me but it makes me wonder if I should have fought harder to not go on them and to just let time and hard work do it's healing magic. Thank you for bieng straight forward with what you believe, wish me luck.


take your candle and go light your world

Posts: 1443 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Michigan
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, January 14th (Monday)

I myself considered A/Ds the last resort. I'd gone one them right after discovering my H's ONS, the one which he gaslighted me perfectly into believing he "set me up" to find out... the one where he convinced me I was depressed, paranoid, jealous for no reason.... that I needed a doctor, counselor or medication. I got on meds alright and they reduced my anxiety to such a point that I didn't see the red flags. Didn't worry about those condoms in the truck, H's explanation was just fine. Didn't worry about those late nights, or the lack of sex because the meds lowered my libido to NOTHING.

So the thought of going on them again this time never entered my mind. I waited 2 years before I gave in. Now my IC thinks I need them adjusted because I have so much anxiety going on.

Sheesh.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
notjustfriends
New Member
Member # 17130
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, January 14th (Monday)

I used to be on Effexor SR about 2 years ago. My doctor and I weaned myself off of it and we went VERY slowly...from 150 mg to 75 to 37.5 then went to normal Effexor and started splitting the pills... overall took about 4 months but I had no severe problems (no brain tremors/shaking). Now two years later I am on Zoloft (sigh) to help deal with depression again...


Posts: 15 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: West Coast
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, January 14th (Monday)

I am depressed.

I feel like a slug.

There is no joy in anything & my house is a cluttered sty. I have had bouts of depression since puberty.

I cannot take A/D's. (Life, I totally agree w/ you & about scary Big Pharma. We are..."Prozac Nation", that's for sure.)

I try all the holistic methods. I'm falling down into a black void...the nights are the worse.

It feels like I'm "sundowning" which I first experienced during the grief throes of my son's death.

I just don't know what to do.
Its helps to know there is an ICR on this, though.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
napewastewin
Member
Member # 15297
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, January 15th (Tuesday)

(((Dreamlife))) I want so much to go off AD's. I know about depression, 9 damn years of AD's. My H's A threw away 19 years of my life and my depression and the A aftermath has made the last 9 years a jumbled mass of pain, anger, hurt, and confusion. I am at a place where I need to live and get through this. AD's have helped but I don't think they are the answer, for me anyway. For me, I want to rise above this and learn that I am not such a bad person no matter what lies I have come to believe about myself and life due to H's A and all the crap that brought to our lives. I feel like I have spent the last 9 years punishing myself, hating myself for something I didn't do or deserve. None of us deserve what we were handed here.......uh listen to me will ya, starting to sound like the leader of a revolt.............................

Dreamlife, BTW, what is an ICR???????????

[This message edited by napewastewin at 4:41 AM, January 15th (Tuesday)]


take your candle and go light your world

Posts: 1443 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Michigan
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, January 15th (Tuesday)

nape, thnx.

ICR = I Can Relate...sorry. I just learned what IRL means.

I feel a bit better now having gotten a few hours of good sleep.
Now, if only the sun will come out for a few hours & I can sit in my greenhouse past the snow...I think I will feel a bit happier.
My depression comes and goes & I know its all part of this damned "roller coaster".


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
chelle1966316
Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, January 16th (Wednesday)

Leezy I am a WS too.I blame past depression for my feelings about myself,which lead me to have an A.
It got a whole hell of alot worse though once all this shit hit the fan.
I think any major trauma would have done it anyway.I know I was headed for a melt down.
There is no way I would ever try to go off the meds.on my own.Just missing a few cured that and that was accidental.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
chelle1966316
Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, January 16th (Wednesday)

Can a person have SAD as well as depression?
I know that it sure feels like I have a case of it even though I am on ADs


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
just foundout
Member
Member # 17771
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, January 17th (Thursday)

How do you go about getting help with depression. I am pretty sure I am suffering from it but I am too afraid or embarrassed to go the doctor.


Waiting to see what father time will do with me.

Posts: 595 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: nebraska
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, January 17th (Thursday)

Dear just, do not be embarrassed. It was hard, but the dr. didn't even blink an eye when I went and said I think I'm depressed. Actually, my therapist sent me. He did a quick 15 minute questionnaire with me and at the end, said "yep, here's a script, come see me in a month, call if you have any adverse reactions or the depression worsens." LIke he did it all day long, which he does.

There's no real stigma to this. Trauma, long term abuse triggers changes in your brain chemistry. Man made chemistry helps set them right.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Broken613
Member
Member # 17670
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, January 17th (Thursday)

Don't be embarrassed. I was nervous about saying anything as well. I was fairly sure I was depressed months before I worked up the nerve to say anything to anyone. Then one day I just had enough and went into my dr. office and discussed the symptoms I was having. He diagnosed me with depression (suprise!). Gave me a prescription and an appointment once weekly for the next 2 months (ugh).
The upside of going is that you take steps to feeling better and working your way out of depression.


Don't gamble with what you can't afford to lose.
D-Day - December 18th, 2007

Posts: 152 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: British Columbia
dontdream
Member
Member # 14303
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, January 24th (Thursday)

I am taking Cymbalta (60mg) and lexapro (10mg)

it is ok.

I am still incredibly depressed - but also finally feel like there is a floor to the depression.

so I am hopeful - but my situation right now is pretty bad and I am feeling hopeless.


--
BH: almost 36 (me)
ExW: 35
DD: 15y
D-Day 2/10/2007
LTA: 15 months with former boss

Divorced on 9/2/08
Happy with myself - accepting of being single.
working on finding a new beginning.


Posts: 406 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Seattle
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, January 24th (Thursday)

My therapist has sent me back to the psychiatrist to have a med check. She thinks I'm not being medicated properly since I'm still so sad and obsessive.

I do NOT want to go on the ones that work on anxiety too but it looks like that's where I'm headed.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, January 24th (Thursday)

I was curious about depression and late afternoons or evenings.

Does it get worse?

I was feeling a bit better last few days but last night I felt that "slide" into that void once more.

I had anxiety, too.

I just cannot handle it when it starts to get dark...maybe this is why I like to take photos of the sunrises?

Anyone else feel this way about depression worsening as the day goes on & it gets *DARK*?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, January 25th (Friday)

dream, I find my evenings and early mornings the worst times. The quiet, the lack of distractions seems to open up the crack of those despairing feelings.

So my psychiatrist upped the Wellbutrin to 450mg. He seems to think my anxiety is sparked by the depression so he wants to try this for a while before switching things up.

Told H that he upped the meds and no response. Started to tell him why, but he changed the subject.

Wonder if there's still some guilt in there making him avoid the topic of me having to take meds in order to conquer a depression motivated by his cheating?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, January 25th (Friday)

Yes, sounds like there is some guilt or ...maybe he's just one who can't handle hearing about feelings & emotions, weepy.

I just hate looking out the window at night and seeing total darkness staring back at me.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, February 1st (Friday)

jumping in...
hello (((everyone)))

A Medical Doctor friend recc. this site:

http://www.nedleyhealthreport.com/

Please MODS remove if inappropriate!
She & I had just a brief chat re my sitch - she is a great person, so I DO value her opinion ...
anyway

I cruised it a bit, and it seems like Dr. Nedley is selling his stuff - but there might be something on there that'll help ?

I took the test (was on the early parts of the thread), and I'm - shew! pretty ok in the depression area.
Thank you Jesus!
but I wanted to put this out for hopefully use....
God Bless you all!


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wantmore
Member
Member # 5939
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, February 14th (Thursday)

I'm joining this group today. Starting next week I'll be back on ADs. I have to detox a little first.

My depression kind of sneaked up on me and I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until I realized I was avoiding my friends and coulnd't concentrate enough to do my job.

Oddly I have no problem concentrating on SI.


Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Of course it helps to know you *have* enemies.

Posts: 2887 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Florida
no_one
Member
Member # 18041
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, February 16th (Saturday)

ive had depression for a long time, it became severe after he cheated on me... very debilitating

i take antidepressants and antianxiety but stopped seeing the counselor; or rather the counselor asked me to stop coming since my attendance was so poor , its just so hard for me to get out of my apartment sometimes

the meds really help, but every day is a struggle to survive and live

im constantly fighting the urge to kill myself and fighting to find reasons to live

some days, like today, are much harder than others, i just double up on the antianxiety meds and cry and try to sleep so i wont keep thinking all the bad thoughts

but yeah the meds helped a lot, i became more functional.. i started eating, sleeping, showering, and leaving my bed and apartment thanks to them

today was very difficult tho


im dead inside

Posts: 469 | Registered: Feb 2008
WhyNotMe
New Member
Member # 18026
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, February 16th (Saturday)

no one, I just want to send you a big hug. I can empathize with everything you said.


BW (Me) 37
WH (a**) 40
Together on and off 17 years.
8 years of marital efing bliss
D-Day EA Nov 2006
D-Day PA Jan 11, 2008
Just trying to survive the days.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Hell
wantmore
Member
Member # 5939
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, February 17th (Sunday)

(((no one))), hugs for you.

I'm not so depressed I don't shower, but I confess I don't leave the house unless I really have to. I don't call my family or friends and I can't concentrate on my job or anything.

My daughter & her fiance are coming over for dinner and the place is kind of in a mess. I am attempting to make a cake, I'll see if I forget to make the dinner because of it. It's our birthdays today and tomorrow.

I love her but I'll be glad when this evening is over.

I'll be even gladder next week when I can start taking ADs. I had a 2 glass of wine a day habit I had to give up first.

Any chance the ADs will make me outgoing socially? I really need some new friends.


Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Of course it helps to know you *have* enemies.

Posts: 2887 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Florida
Kodi
Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, February 17th (Sunday)

I just went to the doctors on Friday. I've been on Wellbutrin for years. Now I've started Lexapro. Did Lexapro help anyone else?
I thought I was the only one who hates the dark, I don't drive after dark any more and I feel like I'm caged in.
Evenings are when the panic attacks start.

Posts: 1333 | Registered: Sep 2007
PiQue
Member
Member # 17575
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, February 17th (Sunday)

A
Medical Doctor friend recc. this site:

http://www.nedleyhealthreport.com/

I paid my $10 to take the test, now can't access it and there is only a phone number to call them at. What a bitch.

How did you get into the test?


Me/BW 50+
Him/WH 60+ Long Distance LTA
NEVER ignore your gut.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic Region
no_one
Member
Member # 18041
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)

thnx


im dead inside

Posts: 469 | Registered: Feb 2008
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, February 20th (Wednesday)

Whew, its a relief to know I'm not "alone" about that "darkness falls now" thing!

It has been getting a bit better since last week though...

(((((hugs, everyone))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
KGT_123
Member
Member # 17881
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)

Kodi - FWH started Lexapro two weeks ago and does not feel any relief from depression yet. I started Cymbalta three weeks ago and felt better within the first week.

I went to my GP because I couldn't concentrate at work and was having a hard time being "present" with my baby girl. I am so thankful the meds kicked in. I definitely feel better and feel as though I can cope with my present situation.

This is so hard.


Me - BW (35)
Him - WH (41)
One Little Peanut - 2 years old
1-21-08: D-Day 1 - OW1
3-5-08: D-Day 2 - OW2
12-5-08: FULL DISCLOSURE from 1&2
4-23-09: Found WH trolling on Ashley Madison
4-29-09: D-Day 3

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: NYC / Long Island
KGT_123
Member
Member # 17881
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)

no-one...

Big, big (((hugs))) to you! Is there someone you can reach out to?

We are here if you need us.


Me - BW (35)
Him - WH (41)
One Little Peanut - 2 years old
1-21-08: D-Day 1 - OW1
3-5-08: D-Day 2 - OW2
12-5-08: FULL DISCLOSURE from 1&2
4-23-09: Found WH trolling on Ashley Madison
4-29-09: D-Day 3

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: NYC / Long Island
So painful
Member
Member # 18167
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, February 22nd (Friday)

I had my first IC visit yesterday. My official "diagnosis" is extreme anxiety with depression. Wow! Imagine that! What in the world would I have to be anxious or depressed about.

I'm not going the meds route yet. I've never taken stronger than Tylenol and don't know how it will affect me. I really need to be clear headed right now. I'm going to exercise more and try to eat more. I've lost so much weight in the last few weeks.


Me: BS - 57
Him: WH - 59
Status: Uncertain

Posts: 799 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Midwest
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, February 22nd (Friday)

sp, I fought taking drugs for 2 years.

But they have made a huge difference in facing every day.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Vexia Perplexia
Member
Member # 17925
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, February 22nd (Friday)

I'm quite positive that I am depressed but I don't want to be on medication as I am a recovering alchoholic/ have and addictive personality.


"I see your brows are full of discontent, your hearts of sorrow and your eyes of tears"
-William Shakespeare

Posts: 156 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: East Coast
ladyvorkosigan
Member
Member # 8283
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, February 22nd (Friday)

Anti-depressants are not drugs of abuse. Trust me, if they were, I would've found a way to abuse them. =)


It nagged him, in particular, that none of the girls hed known so far had given him a sense of unalloyed triumph.

Posts: 14221 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Florida
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, February 22nd (Friday)


Me: 41
Two boys: 16 and 13
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25502 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
no_one
Member
Member # 18041
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, February 22nd (Friday)

i tried a new klonopin/margarita cocktail that worked beautifully to numb the pain this week


the k alone doesnt even help anymore

y cant life just be over already?


im dead inside

Posts: 469 | Registered: Feb 2008
hurts
Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, February 23rd (Saturday)

No one - so what is it are you trying to do.

I so understand your last statement,


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
no_one
Member
Member # 18041
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, February 23rd (Saturday)

im just trying to deal with the pain i guess, im so unbearably sick of this life

the combo of extra meds and drinks helps me fall asleep and stay asleep

the longer im asleep , the less i have to stay awake



im dead inside

Posts: 469 | Registered: Feb 2008
napewastewin
Member
Member # 15297
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, February 23rd (Saturday)

no_one, this pain will eventually lessen, trust me, it will. At first it doesn't seem so but in time it does, take it from me, post here often and let others help you. The help of those here is so much better then any perscription.


take your candle and go light your world

Posts: 1443 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Michigan
hurts
Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, February 23rd (Saturday)

No one - nap is right, it does pass to easier times. I can so understand how you feel. I could write a book on it.

I know that even right now I feel so overwhelmed by the pain and turmoil inside, I just don't care anymore. But it does make a difference to come and vent and to find some kind of direction. This is a roller coaster. There will be better days, and not to be lsot are the tough days also. But in time they do get easier.

Thoughts and prayers to you.

PM me if you would like. I understand the thoughts. I have had to dose myself tonight to get some sleep, but will check in the morning.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
StillStanding
Member
Member # 18143
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, February 23rd (Saturday)

My FWW is more depressed then I am or at least I think so. She's having a very hard time but she's brought in all on herself. After 2 years she finally hit rock bottom and is now getting help. I'm having a hard time and watching and waiting on her has made it even harder.

Posts: 277 | Registered: Feb 2008
hurts
Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)

still - man I can so hear you. But the mnagic is that she has gone in for help now. I do understand how hard that road is, still there.
Hopefully your W will eventually realize the trauma it has created and try to get things a more even keel.

But you to have to take care of your needs also, do your stuff, even if she doesn't.

Luck to you bud,


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
Lonerider
Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, February 25th (Monday)

It's Hell to watch someone you love go through this StillStanding.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
WeepyHollow
Member
Member # 18280
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, February 27th (Wednesday)

give me drugs... *sigh*


DDay1- Jan 23rd, 2007 (4 physical episodes with OW1)
DDay2- July 4th, 2007 (ONS episode with OW2)
Working hard on R
4yr old son.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2008
no_one
Member
Member # 18041
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, March 7th (Friday)

ive been missing more and more of my classes in the past week,

today, i cant even get past my front door

what the hell is wrong with me, i pushed myself to do some hw and just stopped and thought 'fuck it', took some meds and crawled into bed

my SO is fed up with me and my 'issues', i cant blame him, he's put up with it for almost 7 years now

everyones life is moving forward while im still missing a 'paddle' and just going around in circles

god, whats wrong with me


im dead inside

Posts: 469 | Registered: Feb 2008
Lonerider
Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, March 7th (Friday)

big appointment tonight with DW's psychiatrist. Her meds aren't working well, her therapist suggested a Day Treatment program, but the psych wants to try one more thing.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Angry  Posted: 11:34 AM, March 7th (Friday)

It's Hell to watch someone you love go through this

Gee my FWH seems to be handling MY depression just fine thank you. He says it's MY problem and as long as HIS life isn't impacted by my crying or anger, then he's fine with it. Med away!

Honestly, I think about going off them just so I can make HIS life Hell again.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
no_one
Member
Member # 18041
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, March 7th (Friday)

i fucking hate life


im dead inside

Posts: 469 | Registered: Feb 2008
riseofthephoenix
Member
Member # 18526
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

me too, no_one. i wish i had something to do or somewhere to go today. there are a few things i could do, errands or exercise. but i feel too unmotivated. why am i still in my PJs alone on my couch? it is the middle of the afternoon! i finally made myself eat something...


me (BS) 39 / STBXH 39 / separated 10 mos. / couple 17 yrs / D-day 6/27/07 / D-day "just friends" about April 1, 2010 / I think that's 3 in total that I found out about


Posts: 122 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: PA
hatinlyfe
Member
Member # 18539
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

good thread, think a lot of us can appreciate the experiences

Posts: 55 | Registered: Mar 2008
PiQue
Member
Member # 17575
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

why am i still in my PJs alone on my couch

You're ahead of me Phoenix. I didn't even change into nightshirt last night, just slept in my clothes, on the couch. Can't bring myself to sleep in the bed most nights.

Only thing I accomplished today was to call MIL and make plans to get together with her next weekend.


Me/BW 50+
Him/WH 60+ Long Distance LTA
NEVER ignore your gut.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic Region
Finding Myself
Member
Member # 18468
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

I've never been so depressed in my life, and I've been dealing with depression for twenty years.
My partner's affair is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm on a bundle of psychiatric drugs but just can't shake the constant desire to kill myself.
Twice since the affair came out I've started to get better. But both times it was revealed that NC had been broken and that pushed me right back to where I started.
Now we are breaking up and moving back to our home town. But I haven't got the energy or desire to pack and make it happen.
People talk about being too depressed to get out of their pyjamas. Well I've been living (and sleeping) in the same clothes for one whole week. I don't bother changing because I don't leave the house.
I wanted this relationship to last more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.
I never knew I could love anyone that much. And I never knew I could hurt that much.

[This message edited by Finding Myself at 7:43 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


"When the heart weeps for what it has lost, the spirit laughs for what it has found".

Posts: 170 | Registered: Mar 2008
heftysmurf
Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, March 13th (Thursday)

I am depressed as heck too and seem to live in the storm of the affair. the lies and mind movies cripple me. Aaargg.

You know what I am starting to realize? Life is too short to allow myslef to wallow like this. Yes I am still very depressed but life is too short to stay like this. Whether my M survives or not I have family and friends who love me and hate that I am at this point.

I do hope we make it.

Happy no. Depressed yes. Need to move forward oh God yes!


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
Butterflie
New Member
Member # 17202
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, March 14th (Friday)

I want to move forward. I want to lie in bed. I want to be a fun happy mom for my kids. Sometimes I want to run far far away, alone.

It seems days I'm high and ok, but then I start to worry about the crash that will inevitably come.

Six months so far. I can't imagine surviving years of this.


Me (BS): 30
Him (WH): 30
3 little girls
Married 9 years, together 14
D-Day #1: 09/04/07
D-Day #2: 10/3/07

Posts: 24 | Registered: Nov 2007
Kodi
Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, March 14th (Friday)

I want to be happy again!!!

Posts: 1333 | Registered: Sep 2007
aokmom
Member
Member # 18610
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, March 17th (Monday)

Butterflie - I was raised to handle everything on my own; the thought of ever going to a shrink was never ever discussed. So when I lost my mom to cancer in 2004 I finally broke down and went to a shrink to help with the enormous grief I felt - thank god!!!

Then the A happened in 2006 between my best friend and my WH. Losing my mother was a walk in the park compared to the pain I felt. I never, ever in my life understood suicide until the A was shoved in my face. (I knew I wouldn't do it b/c of my babies, however the urge was there) Even then I STILL refused ADs. I struggled for another year, until the inability to concentrate at my work caught up to me and I had a breakdown. Could NOT stop hysterically crying for 2 whole days. So I begrudgingly agreed to try the ADs. Holy friggin shit I am SO pissed I didn't agree to take them sooner!!! It does not end all of your sadness, but boy, the obsessive thoughts diminished almost completely, concentration got better and I was a much much better mother to my children. Things that would have sent me over the edge I can now shrug off or deal with them without losing my mind.

I am taking Zoloft and Wellbutrin....the Zoloft is what did the trick - it is truly a miracle pill for me. And yes, I still see the shrink twice a week.

I feel everyone's pain on this thread because I was there. Whenever I got a break from the kids (I have them 98%) I would just sit and stare at a wall, or watch TV with the volume off....for hours. It was awful. So yes, it all gets better with time, but I while you're waiting, I highly recommend ADs!!!

[This message edited by aokmom at 3:37 AM, March 17th (Monday)]


Me (BS): 39
WH: 39
Married: 14 years
Two beautiful kids: S-10, D-7
D-Day: 5/9/06
Divorce final: 1/18/08

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: CA
angels
New Member
Member # 18489
Default  Posted: 3:49 AM, March 24th (Monday)

I hope that i don't have to deal with depression all of my life.
I feel that i will though.
Ever since i was 11 i have gone through severe stages of depression.
I fight it all the time and am very self aware of it.

Finding out that my SO cheated on me,sent me into a severe state of depression.
I am on anti depressants but they aren't really helping me all the much.
I am yet to go back to a counsellor though and know i need to.

Depression is the pits :(


Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: sydney
scared&stronger
Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, April 4th (Friday)

I have suffered with depression since I was a teen, but wasn't diagnosed until last summer. I am on meds and learning new techniques for dealing with the anxiety and suicidal thoughts. So far everything is working. I also think finding my faith again is why I am able to cope so much better.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3951 | Registered: Aug 2007
no_one
Member
Member # 18041
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, April 5th (Saturday)


im dead inside

Posts: 469 | Registered: Feb 2008
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

Our local PBS station ran a special this week on Depression called Depression: Out of the Shadows. You might want to check your local listings and see if it's being broadcast.

I saw only the firs5 minutes and could SO identify with the people on there. The key I think is to get your loved ones to watch it and hope they can remove themselves from the personal situation and see the disease for what it is.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
HeavyE
Member
Member # 19333
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

I was recently put anti-depressant medicine as my doctor thinks that this will be a temporary situation. I have always been really cautious with any medicine that I take.

It seems to be helping as I can concentrate at work now and seem to be a little bit more at ease in the house.


You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Me Tarzan
Her Jane

Reconciled
D-Day 4/14/08


Posts: 9561 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Birthplace of America's Music
breakingheart
Member
Member # 19909
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 16th (Monday)

I went to the doctor for my depression and anxiety issues about a year ago.....when the last BIG clues to his A came out. His denial and anger towards me....just crushes me. I was put on 2 kinds of meds.....but that gave him ANOTHER reason to say our problems are MY fault....after all...I'm the one on meds. (a-hole...I'm on them because of YOU!)

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2008
nomduguerre
Member
Member # 17028
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 16th (Monday)

I went to the doctor for my depression and anxiety issues about a year ago.....

He is such a dipsh*t. Kudos to you for hanging in there through the depression and anxiety. It is really disorienting. It is the equivalent of him kicking you hard in the knee while you are both running a marathon, and then mocking you because you are hobbling.


Married 20, both 40s
3 kids
D Day Jul 07, confrontation Sept 07, she broke off R June 08, moved out Aug 08, custody fight Dec 08.
GAL investigation ended July 09, Got 50/50 custody Aug 09, Attys fees and Alimony settled Nov 09, divorced Jan 10.

Posts: 170 | Registered: Nov 2007
breakingheart
Member
Member # 19909
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)

nomduguerre - seriously! Good analogy BTW. My fave is that my doc gave me low dose anti-anxiety meds to help me sleep without constantly re-playing stuff in my head and keeping me awake. He goes and takes them occasionally when he is stressed!

Honestly....he is the one with depression issues...that go up and down. But he will never admit it. He shuts me out, picks fights until he gets himself back on track.


Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2008
scared&stronger
Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

I now know that I have dealt with depression most of my life. I have been on meds a little more than a year. I feel more in control most days.

The suicidal thought were so bad, I actually planned my suicide and wrote a will, letters to my family and children and put double indemnity on my life insurance. I waited for the time period to pass for it to take effect and planned what bridge I would drive off of.

I am thankful that the Lord had a good friend step in and recognize what was going on and got me help.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3951 | Registered: Aug 2007
Andrew
Member
Member # 10807
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

I am dealing with depression so I thought I'd put down some of my thoughts here.
It's a bit long and rambling.
This is how I feel about depression. I understand that this may not be the same as how others feel.
I recognise that I have had depression to a degree for many years, perhaps all my life but certainly to some degree or another for 25 years (which oddly enough is how long I have been involved with my wife - no real connection - I think!).
This depression got worse with a motorbike accident and PTSD associated with that. I hit rock bottom when I discovered my wife's affairs.
The work I have done in dealing with this infidelity and the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy I have had to help deal with the PTSD has helped me a lot.
I took and still take St Johns Wort. A natural herb proven to work effectively as an anti-depressant. I think the day will come soon when I no longer feel I need this.
I feel that I have come to realise that depression can be a choice.
Bad things can and do happen and it is healthy and natural for us to feel sad at this time. It is not healthy or necessary for us to remain depressed. I think my depression stemmed from a learned unhealthy response to negative or painful experiences in my life. It was not these events themselves but my response to them that locked me into depression, I was depressed because I was trapped into a depressive way of thinking, a depressive way of dealing with life.
Bad things can and do happen and there is no real reason why this should not be so. It is natural and in a sense right and proper that bad things happen sometimes, just as it is right and proper that good things also happen.
I accept this now in a way I didn't before. This seems very obvious perhaps, almost trivial but I think it is critical.
If something tragic or hurtful happens how we respond about the fact it happened (not the event itself) will have a major impact on how we deal with it. If we accept that this event is sad, not asked for, not wanted but that it had a "right" to happen we avoid a lot of the anger and a lot of dysfunctional thinking involved in fighting against the fact that it happened. Instead of being locked into a depression/ denial trap we accept it, process our emotions and move on in a positive way. If I do not do this I see that I will carry on my old pattern, agonising about why it happened, about what I could have done to avoid it happening, denying that it has actually happened, being angry that it happened but never ever actually dealing with it and thus not moving on, thus not able to move out of from underneath this cloud into a new and more positive atmosphere.
Just the other day I was flying down from Scotland. Looking out the window as we flew above the clouds I was awe struck as I always am at how beautiful it is up there. I had quite a personally emotonal revelation up there.
I realised that this world is big, really really big, and I am small. What may seem huge in my life can be put into perspective when up there. This world I live on is a wonderful and very beautiful place, I am a part of it but it does not revolve around me and the events in my life, no matter how "big" or traumatic they seem to be.
I realised that the sun is always shining giving positive warmth and light. It is right and natural that the earth turns and that I have times of light and warmth and times of darkness. The sun and earth do not care about me, but they do not not care either, they simply are. There is no reason why this should not be so. I cannot fight this, or expect my life to be bathed in light and happiness all the time, and if it was I would die!
As we flew above the clouds there were occassional breaks and I could see the countryside below. Some in sunlight, some under cloud. I realised that life is like this. Sometimes we have events in our lives that we see as positive (light) sometimes we experience events that we see as negative or sad (dark) but these are all natural and "right". I realised that if I respond to life in a depressive way I create my own cloud in my mind and emotions. I drag this around with me. Even when the sun comes out I remain in darkness, I cannot see or appreciate the good warm happy events that surround me. When my life passes under a cloud, my own internal cloud magnifies this, makes it darker. And when it is night, my nights are far darker and more terrifying than they need be. Seldom is the night truly dark. Nature gives us moonlight, and when the moon is not high in the sky nature gives us starlight, and even the clouds at night cannot easily block out that light. My own internal cloud, my own negative responses, my own depression is a far far darker cloud that can make the nights totally dark and at times like this we can truly loose our way, we can forget that there really is light out there and we can wish that our lives would end.
I have been in that dark dark place.
I have let my own clouds go and been amazed to feel the warmth and light re-enter my life. Suprising things have happened. I can feel in ways I have not before. I can see clearly and in the light some of the things that caused me such fear and pain cn be seen to be small, or I can see a way around them. I can see how much potential there is in life. Yes, some things are sad, yes some things in life are toxic, but only by being in the light can I deal with these effectively, accept the sad, avoid the toxic. I can see that it is my choice what I make of this. I can see and accept that there will be times when sad things happen but that I can respond positively towards that.
I looked down through my airplane window and saw little towns and little houses and in them were little people and if right now they were under a cloud, just a little distance away was a place bathed in warm sunshine. They could do a number of things. They could accept this and do nothing and in time they would be in sunshine again. They could accept the situation, act positively and move into sunshine. They could act negatively and move with the cloud and stay under it for ever, perversly always seeking the dark becuase they were unable to seek the light.
It was a very moving moment for me when I realised that all I need to do in my life
is walk towards the light.
I think for me that will be a new motto.
walk towards the light
Best wishes,
Mark aka Andrew


Me BS 48, WW 47 Three sons

Posts: 1494 | Registered: May 2006 | From: UK
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

Andrew, I can see what you're saying. We get locked into depression when we try to change what can't be changed, the past, other people.

I

was depressed because I was trapped into a depressive way of thinking, a depressive way of dealing with life.

But I truly feel right now, that the revelation of the LTA and multiple affairs just snapped something in me, like a CVA, my world went black and when my eyes cleared, it was like I was seeing the world as it truly is instead of with the rose colored glasses I wore all those years.

My landscape is no longer sun-dappled and colorful. I see a husband who is festering with unresolved problems and his soul is ugly to behold. I see our marital history with 1/3 of it now in ashes, the foundation of the life we built teetering on 3 legs. This is the reality my husband apparently ALWAYS saw, we're finally on the same page.

I lived in denial, now I see reality. And that's actually good for me, I just haven't found a way to accept it yet.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
despairing
New Member
Member # 17179
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, June 20th (Friday)

I have dealt with depression since I was a child. I remember at around 13/14 playing a "game", where I counted how many days in a row i thought about suicide. I never did it, just wanted to see how many days in a row that I "wanted" to. Although, even at that age I was wise enough to realize, that I didn't want my life to end, just wanted things to get better, and when you are dead, all hope is gone. A few years later I had a "breakthrough" of sorts (WICKED panic attacks) I was put on Xanax. They helped my anxiety (which I was later told was a symptom of my depression). Also close to this time, I had met my husband, and my alcoholic father was kicked out of the house. But my "anxiety" continued, until finally in 2001 I had a complete nervous breakdown. This put me on Paxil. That nervous breakdown was a Godsend. I had never felt better. For almost three whole years. Then my father was diagnosed with cancer (he had quit drinking and had become "daddy" again) It was the late fall when me and Mom were preparing for his last Christmas. Then suddenly she dropped dead from a heart attack. Up went the paxil and xanax dosages, but it didn't help. Then last year my mom's sister who was always a "second mom" (even moreso after mom was dead) got cancer and died. Up with the Paxil again. In there is also dealing with my EA, and problems I was having with my marriage after my parents deaths. Will I ever be depression free? I HIGHLY doubt it. I guess I just have to find a way to live wit it. And maybe switch meds if this last dosage increase doesn't help.

[This message edited by despairing at 7:14 AM, June 20th (Friday)]


"Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows."


Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2007
all br0ken
New Member
Member # 19614
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, June 20th (Friday)

I too struggle with depression. I was before the A and struggle even harder now with it. I did start taking meds for it. Cross your fingers I hope it helps. I guess thats why this hit me like a ton of bricks. I already feel worthless and rejected. I felt even more rejected after finding out. My biggest thing now is i don't want to lose him. He reassures me daily I wont. Im glad he didn't sleep with her but the way i feel he might as well of. It all hurts the same. When i get alone its when my mind goes crazy. Which often leads me to think about her and him. I just don't know what he saw in her. Am i really that bad? I know in my mind i am but damn i dunno. maybe i should sleep.

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Texas
bailey13
New Member
Member # 19655
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, June 20th (Friday)

it is sad thing to know that you become depressed after such an event...i am currently on anti-d's and while they take the edge off, one has to be real careful. I realized that while it helps a bit with the those feelings, of anxiety and such, it does not turn off those mental images-the movies. My best advice, best advice for those that are depressed and are considering desctruction...is to talk about it, sincerely, honestly, openly talk about it. I assure you it will be hell, and it will hurt to now end, but do not, do not let it fester inside of you. I know it is hard, and what a few of my life long friends and i are doing and have been doing is setting up an emergency friendship system, it is a very small handful of us, but we have known each other for yeeaaaarsss. Sadly, we have come to realize that we are at the point in our lives when it starts taking away instead of giving back...
i do send love to all of you, and i am sorry that you are going through this. it sucks, it really sucks but the sun comes up...
okay?


Nobody is a mind reader, and love is not just love.

Posts: 46 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Brooklyn
hopefulintx
Member
Member # 19890
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, June 26th (Thursday)

I can't say that I would intentionally do something to myself but there have been thoughts as I was driving through an intersection that if someone runs a red light WTF, I don't care, let them hit me.

I think I do understand why someone would do something to themselves in order to get rid of the tremendous pain they are suffering with.

I am on Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Ativan and Ambien.

Sometimes I'm afraid that if I get pushed any further that I would just snap because I'm at the end of my rope with all of the stress of the A, my husband moving out, finances, etc.


The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
Me: BW: 49 He: WH: 45
Married 17 years, together 20
1 DD (15)
DDay: 02/24/08
H moved out 03/18/08
Accepted it's over an

Posts: 200 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: TX
traicionada
Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

Will I ever be depression free?

Depression is kind of like cancer; if we're lucky, it goes into remission for months, years or even for the rest of our lives I do have to admit that after years of therapy, I have learned to manage it successfully without meds Did I consider going back to meds after Dday? I sure did but I tend to be more suicide proactive on meds so it didn't seem like a smart idea


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3180 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 7th (Monday)

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder (MDD) shortly after my divorce in October of '06. While my entire family has depression or has a tendency toward it, I do honestly feel that my divorce and the entire situation with my XH started the ball 'rolling', so to speak. Because I've never known such pain in my life.

I'm on Paxil and Buspar - my anxiety on some days goes through the roof. I keep having thoughts about being alone - that I'm going to be alone forever, that I'm going to die alone, it's horrible. I've broken into tears just imagining dying in my house with no one finding me for months at a time.

(I'm sorry, I know that's VERY bad. But it's one of the things that scares me so, so much. I have no family left that I can really depend upon, and not many friends - I'm now isolated, thanks to this.)

There are only a very few people left that I can trust anymore, and I can count them on one hand. Before my XH's A, I trusted openly and wholeheartedly.

Today I hate him for taking that away from me...


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
BlindlyTrusting
New Member
Member # 20151
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, July 7th (Monday)

I am on Prozac and Clonopin (both doses were upped by my dr. after DDay). Can you believe, my husband and I have FOUGHT about me being on these? He thinks they are quick fixes. I say they keep me (semi) sane through this roller coaster after infidelity.


Me 28
WS 32
Married 4 years, together 6
No Kids
DDay 2/19/08, totally out of the blue
Trying to reconcile, I'm not sure yet... am I too young for this?!?

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jul 2008
sunlil
Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 7th (Monday)

Can you believe, my husband and I have FOUGHT about me being on these?

Yep, I can believe you and your H fought about the meds.

My H was spectacularly unsupportive when I finally spoke up about wanting to seek help for life-long depression.

At some point, he did change his mind about ADs but he's never been able articulate to me what changed his mind.

He thinks they are quick fixes. I say they keep me (semi) sane through this roller coaster after infidelity.

He's wrong. You're right.

They take time to work and they do make a difference in how we cope with things. They take the edge off, they lessen the sense of being completely and utterly overwhelmed. They help us function normally.


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
BlindlyTrusting
New Member
Member # 20151
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Ah, thank you sunlil. That bit of validation went a loooong way I feel like I second guess myself all the time, especially since the infidelity... the meds are one thing I don't need to second guess. You are right-- they don't alter my mood, just help with consistency and the low, low feelings.


Me 28
WS 32
Married 4 years, together 6
No Kids
DDay 2/19/08, totally out of the blue
Trying to reconcile, I'm not sure yet... am I too young for this?!?

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jul 2008
Lurksalot
Member
Member # 2162
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, August 24th (Sunday)

I'm currently in the process of changing and adjusting meds to fight a major depressive episode.

Like many of us here, my history with diagnosed clinical depression began long before infidelity first touched my life. My first diagnosis was about two years after a severe (untreated) post-partum depression. In hindsight from that vantage point, I realized that I had been dealing with depression since my teens.

I think that I have the "tools." I've been through years of counseling; I keep a journal; and I do take care of myself. Even so, this episode totally "blindsided" me. I didn't see the usual warning signs. There were no changes in my life, no new stresses or losses to deal with. But I still didn't get help until I was so depressed that I couldn't function at all, let alone function normally.

My questions for this group is, what are your guideposts for seeking medical help for your depression? How do you know when you are not just "sad," but truly in need of medical help?

Thanks,
Lurks


BS, WS, mostly healed, mostly reconciled.

Posts: 2907 | Registered: Sep 2003
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, August 26th (Tuesday)

what are your guideposts for seeking medical help for your depression? How do you know when you are not just "sad," but truly in need of medical help?

My IC figures I'd probably had a low-grade depression since my father left. His death and my mother' death exacerbated it and by the time DDday came along I was prime for a huge drop.

I fought going on meds for a year. What got me on them was my therapist pointing out that I was still obsessing and thinking about death after a year of talk therapy.

Now I adjust my own meds. I dropped the dose down a while back and waited to see if I'd have a huge drop. I didn't.

I think my guidelines are: 1. thoughts of suicide or homicide.
2. return of excessive obsessive behaviors like snooping or setting the VAR
3. not caring about my appearance or caring WAY too much
4. inability to stop crying


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
SophieKnows
Member
Member # 20839
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, August 30th (Saturday)

I sought help for depression when:

1. I kept having anxiety filled insomnia.
2. I started to want to be hit by a truck.
3. I cried a lot.
4.I felt numb all the time.
5. Others started to urge me to get help (my brother is studying medicine and has a keen interest in psychiatry).

My doctor prescribed ad's and IC and exercise. I have been doing all three and it really has helped.

Sophie


Me: BS - 33
WH - 33 SA, Multiple D-Days, Multiple OWs, Multiple Profiles on Dating Sites

False R - Was Separated - Now in Limbo while he's going through IC.

Mother to a wonderful 4 year old daughter.


Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Canada
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, October 18th (Saturday)

I have been dealing with depression for years now. First went on AD in 2002, shortly after 9/11. My husband is a pilot, so that event kind of rocked my world. Took AD for about a year and got off.

Mood was okay for a few years, then a couple of years ago, I realized I was hanging on to the edge of the pit by my fingernails, so asked my dr for ADs again. He initially put me on zoloft, we increased the dose once, then he added wellbutrin, and after a while we dropped the zoloft.

I was doing very well, the depression was under control, until DDay. 9/11 of this year.

All the depressive symptoms are back in full force. Some more so. I had to see the dr. a couple of days ago for something else, and told him I found out my husband cheated. (Yes, he slept with a flight attendant). Dr.questioned me about my mood, appetite, etc., then suggested adding Celexa temporarily. I agreed because I am so tired of feeling this way. I have only taken it for three days, so can't tell yet if it's going to do the trick, but I so need the help right now.

This is the first time in the history of my depression that I have started to think it would be easier to just not be here anymore. I won't hurt myself because of my kids, but I do find myself thinking that at least it would end my pain.

[This message edited by itspjw at 7:36 PM, October 18th (Saturday)]


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
SRVfan38
Member
Member # 19338
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, October 19th (Sunday)

Does anybody suffer from seasonal depression?

I'm usually ok until just after Chritmas, then it seems to go downhill. I hate the cold weather, I hate it when it gets dark at 5:30, I just hate the whole winter thing. Hate having to feel constricted by all the layers. I would love to live on the equator. I was in a 2 year depression after the loss of a good friend and my BIL. Plus I had a horrible job. I started to notice prior I was getting depressed in the winter. I finally have broken out of the 2 year depression this last April/May. I've been pretty good all year, but now we are approaching winter and although I'm not feeling it yet, I'm scared it will hit. As soon as spring hits, life feels new and rejuvinated again and I feel better. In the past, I have found that going to a tanning bed helps, but we all know what that does. But it sure did help with the seasonal depression.

I've never been on an anti-d, I'm not much of a user of meds. I have to have a really bad headache before I will take anything. It seems if a drug has a side effect, I will eventually get it, so I just avoid them as much as I can. What are some of the side effects anybody has experienced? One of these years, I may consider trying it, just a little scared about side effects. But it may help through the winter.


I want to become the person my dogs think I am.

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Wannabe in Tahiti
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, October 20th (Monday)

SRV - I don't suffer from SAD, but my H does. His IC suggested he get one of those "sun" lights, You sit under it for like 30 minutes a day and it's supposed to help.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
SRVfan38
Member
Member # 19338
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, October 20th (Monday)

Maybe thats why going to the tanning bed helped. I don't want to damage my skin, but it sure did work. I will see if I can find a lamp.


I want to become the person my dogs think I am.

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Wannabe in Tahiti
Lonerider
Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, October 21st (Tuesday)

My DW uses one of those lights, as does my mom. They both say it helps.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, October 21st (Tuesday)

Hello, everyone.

(I didn't realize that the thread was dedicated for Dealing with Depression until today.) Anyways, I was diagnosed with depression in August.

I started experiencing the following symptoms from February and I finally went to see a family physician at the end of Jul.

low energy

apathy (existing with no purpose)

lack of concentration

lack of motivation

loss of interests

slow thinking

(no sadness or suicidal thoughts though)

MD prescribed me Effexor RX 37.5 mg. Side effects I experienced were yawning, sleepy, my head felt heavy, so I took it in the evening. Side effect lasted for a week though.

It took me 4 - 8 weeks to feel functional, but it amprified my social phobia. Made me very uncomfortable self-conscious, if someon is looking at me. Like being judged and looking down on me.

MD doubled my doses last week and I can feel that it is helping finally.

In the mean time, I am working on my low self-esteem issue through IC.

[This message edited by beach at 10:57 AM, October 21st (Tuesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
sadskittles
Member
Member # 21232
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, October 21st (Tuesday)

I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I have short periods of time where life seems content and happy, but I fall into depression soon afterwards.

I have never been to IC in my life for it. I justed started MC last night... I am unsure if I can handle IC and MC at the same time. I have so many old demons and I don't think I am ready to face everything all at once.

I hate feeling like this all the time, but I am used to it... I know that is a bad thing, but I need to worry about saving my relationship before I dig out all of my old ghosts.


Moving on... without him and stronger for it.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Wisconsin
SRVfan38
Member
Member # 19338
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, October 21st (Tuesday)

I feel the older I get the more depression shows it's ugly face. Most of the time I have good days. Last week, my mother disowned me again. I have eaten very little all week, it started messing with my stomach. Finally started eating again, I'm feeling better. My biggest fear is I will be like her. I have tried all my life to always do the opposite of her because I did not like that person and didn't want to be it. I've done a pretty good job. But the constant rejection and now my kids being rejected by her has got me down a little bit. But we will make it through. I think I will have to try one of those lights this year, sounds like it works. Thanks for the responses on that.

Beach-
I've experienced that social phobia thing. I feel that a lot. Like somebody is watching me, like they are judging me. When I have my kids or H with me, I'm fine, but alone, I feel uncomfortable in public. I try to avoid public situations alone. I start feeling a panic attack coming on. Although, I have to say, I recognized it and have worked on it the last few years and I'm not as bad as I was 3 or 4 years ago. I remember panicking so bad in Walmart one day, I couldn't finish my shopping. I had to take what I had and get out. I came back the next day and finished the shopping and was fine. It's better now. Still hits every once in a while and when it does hit, it's not as bad.


I want to become the person my dogs think I am.

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Wannabe in Tahiti
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, October 21st (Tuesday)

SRV, yes it was painful for me, too. I was afraid of being in the huge group at the seminer or being greeted at the store. I couldn't even go inside to shop.


I am slowly working on my self-esteem. I am reading "Anxiety, Panic, and Phobia" book and it has helpful information. I just need to change self-dialogue to positive conversation with myself (in the head).

[This message edited by beach at 11:21 PM, October 21st (Tuesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
pcisconfused
Member
Member # 19583
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 22nd (Wednesday)

My dr has decided to switch me from Lexapro to Celexa (stupid insurance company). Does any one have any experience with this type of switch? I am kind of nervous about it but $90 to $4 is a huge difference.


BW (43)
WS (44)
together 14 years
4 kids together
Separated but seeing Counsellor to see if we can R

Posts: 73 | Registered: May 2008
stateofshock
Member
Member # 21287
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, October 28th (Tuesday)

I have been a strong willed, healthy, smart person all of my life. All of a sudden, since my DDay, I am a total mess, cry constantly, have NO control over my emotions, and feel generally hopeless about my future. I honestly cannot imagine ever being happy again. My work is suffering terribly (I'm in commissioned sales and I am just unable to focus...I don't care.) And that's bad, because now I'm on my own and I need my income more than ever, but I can't seem to care enough to go out and get any business!

I've never been depressed before, and I am embarassed to go to a doctor and tell them I feel like this. But I feel every day like I can't function much longer like this...it has been just under two months...should I just wait it out longer and I'll feel better? Shouldn't I be at least able to work by now???


Married 17 years.
Me-41
Him-45
D-Day 9/9/08
1 Daughter, 15 yrs old
OW is ex-wife from 22 yrs ago
He's been out of the house since 9/20.
R seems to be impossible now...

Posts: 277 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southwest
pcisconfused
Member
Member # 19583
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, October 28th (Tuesday)

Stateofshock please go see your doctor. There is nothing to be embarrassed about at all. It is only temporary to get you thru this awful situation. My doctor was very understanding and is more than happy to work with me to find something that works.


BW (43)
WS (44)
together 14 years
4 kids together
Separated but seeing Counsellor to see if we can R

Posts: 73 | Registered: May 2008
breathing
New Member
Member # 21307
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, October 28th (Tuesday)

I didn't really grasp that I was dealing with drepression. A couple of years ago I discussed with Dr. told him I just need time. Always had a cloud over my head.. Couldn't laugh and enjoy life. Been on meds for over 2 weeks. Wake up with a smile and just want to dance... I hear the music now. Things just seem to roll on my shoulders now. I see life in a different way now. H used to call me Debbie Downer.... Have down times but not many....I'm ready to live life to the fullest


Married 20 years been together 21. Children 19 and 13. DD ?

Posts: 21 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: K noxville Tennessee
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, October 28th (Tuesday)

sos; i would strongly encourage you to see your dr b/c you don't have to live this way. meds will help. i'm in sales and battle dep as well. since dday i probably lost $300K in commissions which could've been avoided. it's not just business you're losing - you'll continue to lose time which you'll never get back. do it now!

Posts: 1915 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
newday2day
Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, October 28th (Tuesday)

I have struggled with Depression my entire life. When I was teenager I was hospitalized twice for attempting suicide. Since my last visit (at 17) to the hospital I've been able to recognize the warning signs and get help.

Through my first divorce and first experience with infidelity I went on meds. I survived and things went back to "normal".

This time (with my 2nd H) it's different. I was able to walk away from my ExH and be sad, depressed, and move on but my current WH (gosh that's sad that I've now had two WH's) is addictive to me. I cannot walk away no matter how hard I try and want to.

Maybe this time it's true love? Or (more likely) it's my self-esteem and codepenance.

Either way the doctor put me on Celexa from day 2 after D Day. That was the first thing I did the next morning was call the doctor. He also put me on Ambien for 15 days to help me get through the first couple of weeks without having to deal with not sleeping. I'm not yet feeling the effects of Celexa but it's only been a couple of weeks and I know it takes time but I'm desperate to get some clarity in my mind.

Thanks for listening. I'm not sure that I clarified or helped anyone but please do not be ashamed to need AD's. They can do miracles to get you through the lowest times in your life.

[This message edited by newday2day at 3:20 PM, October 28th (Tuesday)]


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, October 28th (Tuesday)

I'm also waiting for my Celexa to kick in! I have been on Wellbutrin for a while, and my depression was under control until...you guessed it...DDay. At my next dr visit he added Celexa. Hoping it will just be temporary till I get through this, but who knows.

Don't be ashamed of needing ADs. I am not ashamed of being on them. No one should be. It is medication used to treat a medical condition (Yes, it is a medical condition). If you have high blood pressure, you take medicine for that--if you have depression, there is no shame in treating it.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
pcisconfused
Member
Member # 19583
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, October 29th (Wednesday)

Those of you taking Celexa do you like it? I was on Lexapro and doing really well but my insurance company decided I needed to be on the generic form of Celexa. I have been on it for a week and feel awful. Not sure if I should continue to fight my way thru it or call my dr back.


BW (43)
WS (44)
together 14 years
4 kids together
Separated but seeing Counsellor to see if we can R

Posts: 73 | Registered: May 2008
newday2day
Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, October 30th (Thursday)

pcisconfused -

I'm on Celexa and haven't really noticed too much. I did feel very nauseous the first week so I take it at night. I have found (very recently) that I'm having a hard time crying any more. I'm not sure if it's the Celexa or if it's that I'm out of tears because of all the crying.


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, October 31st (Friday)

I just went on Celexa in addition to the Wellbutrin I was already on two weeks ago.

I haven't had any bad side effects. I do think, though, that it may have limited my ability to cry....I haven't cried as much lately. Of course, I may be out of tears, too! Actually I did cry last night, but not for long. I guess it is possible to cry while taking it!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dead_but_alive
Member
Member # 20178
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 31st (Friday)

I went from Lexapro to Celexa with no problems. And about the crying....it has not stopped me from crying. I wish something would. I've been crying for almost a year now (will be 1 year on 11/19).


Me - BW

Separated - 11.19.2007 / DIVORCED - 1.13.2010
-- 19 years, 8 months, 24 days of marriage (including 2 years, 1 month, 26 days of separation) legally ended 1.13.2010. I now officially start my new life.


Posts: 2365 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Mississippi
marie1974
Member
Member # 15615
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, November 3rd (Monday)

anyone on topamax or Effexor. I have been on effexor for 10 years. Diagnosed for manic depression. the last year has triggered some major anxiety and compulsive behaviour. so my doc has prescibed Topamax. Only been on it for week now. Feel a little foggy. Just wanted some feed back from anyone on it. Thanks

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: canada
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, November 3rd (Monday)

marie, I am not on topamax, but I am on Effexor XR 76 mg. I started at the end of July at 37.5 mg and my social anxiety was getting worse, so then my family physician increased to 76mg. It's been helping. My impulsiveness (getting on SI) is still there and I am scheduled to see an APRN at the beginning of December for medication management and I will talk to her about it.

When you say feel foggy, is it in your head?


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
whatsforeverfor
Member
Member # 21562
Sad  Posted: 2:08 PM, November 8th (Saturday)

Has anyone taken Bach Rescue Remedy?

I'm just not sure I'm ready to talk to someone and get a prescription.

I would try exercise, in fact I was exercising for a while and it seemed to help a bit, but I just don't have the energy now. I just can't. I'm not keeping up with anything, even though I very much want to.

I was told that it works well for stress and calming the thoughts. I have a hard time sleeping, when it's quiet at night my mind won't shut off. The stress and lack of good sleep are taking a toll. I look and feel horrible.

I didn't see this mentioned, so I thought I'd ask. Thanks!


Posts: 54 | Registered: Nov 2008
LoveHahAHA
New Member
Member # 21563
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, November 8th (Saturday)

I sit at my desk with a gun in my hand. trying to understand why she would betray me like this. I did everything and more. The idea of love is laughable to me now. I never understood how people could commit suicide until this moment. This pain is so unbearable that I want death I need it.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Colorado
marie1974
Member
Member # 15615
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, November 8th (Saturday)

to Beach: I am on Effexor XR 300 mg daily. But after the A. I was a basket case. So my doc put me on anti axiety Topomax up to 100 mg/ day now. Seems to be helping witht the compulsive thoughts and anxiety. I hope things get better. Effexor really helped. Me. Hope things work out for you.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: canada
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, November 8th (Saturday)

so my doc has prescibed Topamax. Only been on it for week now. Feel a little foggy. Just wanted some feed back from anyone on it.

I have been on Topamax, but it was a disaster for me, personally. I couldn't remember things, was always in a daze, if you'd asked me my own name I wouldn't have been able to tell you.

I didn't start feeling better until July of this year when I was prescribed Buspirone in combination with the Paxil I'd already been taking (the Paxil alone was helping, but not enough). Even now I'm still struggling sometimes.

Sounds like T's working for you a bit better than it did for me, though.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
Lonerider
Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, December 1st (Monday)

Can I have my week of vacation back?

I just took off last week since our youngest daughter was out of school. Coincidentally, my wife's anti-anxiety med is not working, she was a basket case most of the week, crying, agitated, anxious, a freaking wreck.

I'm sorry, the reason I work in computers is because working intensively with troubled people drains me, I don't have much left to give. I hope her doctor gives her something that works.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
Chunk
Member
Member # 8189
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday)

I think I'm visiting this thread (mood) for a little while until I get myself out of this funk.

I've battled depression pretty much all my life though mildly until I had my son. After his birth I slipped into a deep depression. It was a slipping feeling too. I felt like I was slipping into a dark place and the light was shrinking.

I became a person I had never been. I was sad, hopeless, helpless, tired, scattered, numb and yet my thoughts were very painful. I would obsess about stupid stuff. I was afraid of being in big crowds. I had anxiety like you wouldn't believe.

I finally, after four years of just either hoping it would go away or going nowhere when I did try went to a mental health facility. I was out of my mind with depression that I would have been happy if they'd committed me. I couldn't cope, with anything.

I look at pictures of myself back then and I actually see the sickness in my face. I even looked kind of yellow!

I eventually did come out of that deep dark place. I took a couple of years but I did it. In the heels of my healing came my H's affair. I feel thankful that I was passed my depression because I don't think I would have survived if I'd been in the low place I had been.

But having depression once, I am learning, is like be in remission from cancer. You have to always monitor yourself and make sure you're emotional cancer stays in remission.

So lately, though many circumstances, I am feeling the snake-like presence of my depression wrapping slowly around me. It is squeezing me slowly.

I am going to go the doctor because I don't need to be clinically depressed every again in my life. But the depression, this time, is scaring me again, because it feels stronger than it has in a long time.

Oh, I hate it. I really, really hate it. The self hatred. The constant criticism of myself. The nasty creepy thoughts.

It makes me sad.


I wish I could explain it. That it goes beyond a simple case of the blues.


Posts: 2763 | Registered: Sep 2005
Chunk
Member
Member # 8189
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday)

I can't cry either. That scares me. I was like that when I was deep in the shit.

Posts: 2763 | Registered: Sep 2005
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, December 4th (Thursday)

Do I need to ask Dr to "up my meds"??
I am on Celexa every day and Xanax every other day. Lately, I will go a whole day without crying, only to have a breakdown and a nervous stomach the next day. Am I building a tolerance or is this just expected 7 mos after d-day? I can't imagine what I'd be like without meds!


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, December 4th (Thursday)

(((Chunk))) I hope you can get in to see a Dr. soon. Please keep us posted.

survivinglies,
please call your doctor.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
browneyesblue
Member
Member # 21810
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, December 4th (Thursday)

I was just diagnosed with depression and was given lexapro. Before the medicine, I couldn't focus on anything anymore...it was like a part of my brain was missing, the part that told me what steps to take to get stuff done. All I can do during the day is think about what he's done and what a sham of a marriage it's been.

[This message edited by browneyesblue at 10:04 AM, December 4th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 41
Him: WS 49
Married 6 yrs, together 9 years
2 children, 4.5 yrs & 21 months
DDAY 08/16/08, but kept quiet for 2.5 weeks until I could gather all my evidence. I confronted him on 9/3/08 - he admitted everything, even more than I knew.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: TX
Copeland
Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, December 4th (Thursday)

Everybody, please keep in mind that there are many many good ADs & anti anxiety meds out there. If one isn't working or seems to be making things worse, go right back to the doc and talk about it. You might need to try a few before its right.


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
Lonerider
Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, December 4th (Thursday)

Yes, you need to have a close relationship with your doctor. My DW is feeling much better on klonopin, the zyprexa just made things worse.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, December 13th (Saturday)

I'm not doing well on the Paxil anymore. Lately I've been more and more apathetic... can hardly get out of bed in the morning... I feel like I'm just existing and not living.

The holidays are making this so much worse for me. I no longer have any family, and very few friends due to my illness... so this time of the year is hard. I was also in a psychiatric hospital with a mental breakdown at this time last year... and there is nothing, nothing, nothing lonelier in the world than being in a locked psych ward with no visitors during the Christmas holidays.

Tonight I hate my XH. He was supposed to be my family, damn it. He was supposed to love and cherish me. What happened? Why did he do this to me?

I'm sorry, I know I'm not doing well tonight. I'm scared even to admit that I feel like doing myself in because that'll just land me right back into the psych ward if I ever admit that to anyone... I know I won't do it. But I'm so afraid. I feel apathetic and uncaring... and yet it hurts so much... how can you not care and hurt at the same time?

God help me.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, December 15th (Monday)

(((fireball)))

i understand.

please go see your dr. it might be time to change your meds, or add something else. my dr. just recently (after dday) added celexa to my wellbutrin. it is helping.

i have never, ever considered suicide as an option, because i have always been able to remember that over time things change.

however, i find myself lately getting closer and closer to that edge. i still know that tomorrow i will feel differently. i know i am still on that stupid rollercoaster (anyone know how to get off?).

recently, my dr prescribed sonata to help me fall back asleep when i wake up in the middle of the night.

it is a controlled substance, could be addictive, etc.

it has occurred to me that this could do the job, if i decided i wanted to end it.

i was horrified when i realized what had just occurred to me.

i am not going to do anything to hurt myself. i have two kids to think of.

but it scares me that i even had that thought. i wonder if i should give the pills to my h to hold onto, only giving me one at a time.

i have only taken 3 in the week and a half since i got them, so i am definitely not abusing them.

god, i hate depression.

i had gone on ad's in 2001, shortly after 9/11. i will never forget the pit i was in at that time. i was on them for about a year, then got off.

i was okay for awhile, but kept a close watch on my mood, because i did not want to fall into that pit again.

so i ended up asking dr for ads again about a year ago. we started with zoloft, but ended up with wellbutrin. as i mentioned earlier, after dday, we recently added celexa

chunk, it is totally like remission from cancer. once you have had it, you have to really be aware for it s return. and, it sometimes, it creeps up on you, and you don't even realize it until it is almost too late.

i think i have come to the realization (with my dr. and c input) that i may never be able to go off ad's. once those connections in the brain are broken, they can't always be repaired.

and, you know what? if taking meds the rest of my life keeps me out of that pit, i am totally up for it.

i take meds for my high cholesterol, acid reflux, and allergies. taking meds for depression is no different. i don't like having to take meds of any kind, but if it keeps me healthy and able to take care of my family, i am going to do it.

fortunately, i have finally gotten my h to start understanding it, and understanding it is a medical condition, not something i can just snap out of. so, now i have him keeping an eye on my mood, too. i think this is very important, since it can be so sneaky.

wow, i seem to be rambling in pretty much every post lately. i'm done now!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
hurtbutstrong
Member
Member # 21830
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 17th (Wednesday)

I'm not dealing with depression but my WH has been. I'm hoping maybe others could help me. I told WH back in January I believed he was suffering from depression (I told him the day after our D-Day). He didn't believe me. It wasn't until Oct 18th (the day he walked out) to say he thinks he is depressed.

I've been told time and time again that he felt nothing and was dead inside. I thought a lot had to do with him having the A. It may have been the A and depression talking. I don't know. He went to the doctor two days later and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. The doctor prescribed Lexapro.

We had been NC for about a month but for reasons I had to break NC this week. I actually spoke with him for the 1st time today in a month. He claims he isn't speaking with the OW and she is out of the picture (not sure if I believe that one...been lied to many times in regards to that) and he just works all the time.

He claims he still doesn't feel anything inside and still feels dead. He said the anxiety is gone but he doesn't "feel" anything. It is like little bombs could go off all around him and he'd just continue working or ignoring.

I've told him he needs to see about changing meds. I've explained there are others out there to try that he shouldn't be walking around feeling so dead and empty. It is easy for him to just walk away from everything because he has no emotions.

I've read others taking Lexapro but then switching to another. I'm sorry but I haven't read all the way through this thread. Have others taken Lexapro and still felt nothing? Is it the medication or the person? I've read a lot about mid-life crisis and a lot fits him so maybe that is a problem too coupled with the depression. I want to shake him and make him realize there are other options out there and it is like he is chosing to feel the way he does. I really wish he'd get the help he needs. It tears me up inside.


BS-39
XH-41
DS-10

Posts: 296 | Registered: Nov 2008
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, December 19th (Friday)

if after this long, lexapro isn't working, he def should talk to his dr. and try a diff med. not all meds work for all people. when my dr. first gave me meds, he only gave me 30 days so i HAD to go see him to get more, and he would question me about how they are working. if they weren't working, he upped the dose, added another med, or changed it until we found the right combo for me (currentl, wellbutrin and celexa was added after dday).

is he in ic?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
hurtbutstrong
Member
Member # 21830
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, December 19th (Friday)

itspjw - thank you for your reply. The doctor started him off at 10mg and then upped it to 20mg. I don't know when was the last time he went to the doctor.

He is in IC. He doesn't go consistently. Due to his counselors schedule he may go 3x one month and then nothing the next. It frustrates me a bit. And, when he goes, he doesn't tell her everything. He has been going to a year and I believe he has wasted a year.


BS-39
XH-41
DS-10

Posts: 296 | Registered: Nov 2008
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, December 19th (Friday)

hbs,

you don't have any control over what your wh does. i know you want him to get help, but it really is up to him. all you can do is encourage him to take the right steps.

am i correct in the understanding that the two of you are separated?

but it also seems like you maybe would give him a chance to r if he made the right steps?

i am in a very different situation than you. I am the one battling depression. and from that perspective, i can tell you that if he doesn't deal with his depression, and get it under control, (which means both the right meds AND regular ic) HE will not be able to r.

it seems to me like you have a good head on your shoulders, and a good take on the situation. it sounds like you do love him, but are not willing to live in a situation where you do not get the respect you deserve.

bravo to you!

if he decides to get help and get control over his depression, and if you want to r, there may still be a chance.

however, if he does not heal himself, he can't help you heal.

whatever you decide, know that we are all here for you. you are the only one that can decide what is right for you.

keep posting. stay strong.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
hurtbutstrong
Member
Member # 21830
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, December 19th (Friday)

itspjw,
You are correct, we are separated. He continues to live in a hotel. He spent Thanksgiving by himself.

I think I would to R like you said if and only if he took the right steps. I'm living my own life right now. I'm not obsessed with him or about him. I'm taking care of me and my DS. I'm doing the single parent thing (he hasn't seen DS since he walked out and hasn't spoken to him in over a month). I'm also preparing myself for a possible divorce. I'm not hooking any hopes to a rainbow. I've got to face reality.

I know I can't help him if he doesn't want the help. It just upsets me to see another human being suffer when they don't need to. I'm wondering if the depression has led to a self-loathing aspect. It seems to me that he is upset with himself in regards to the poor choices he has made and believes he deserves nothing. He doesn't want to love because he doesn't think he deserves the love. He can walk away from everything because he is not good enough for our life. He lives in a hotel because he deserves that. It just seems that if those thoughts come to mind coupled with the depression it's very hard to deal with and manage. I could be totally off base but that is the feeling I am getting.

I agree with you in regards to regular IC and the right meds. Yes, I do love him because I can't just turn my feelings off after so many years like he seems to be able to. Sometimes I wish I did hate him. It would make things a little easier.

I've said it a bunch of times but I'm so glad I found this place. Thanks ((itspjw)).


BS-39
XH-41
DS-10

Posts: 296 | Registered: Nov 2008
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, December 20th (Saturday)

it does definitely sound like you are taking the right steps. for his sake, i do hope he gets help.

i do know that when you are in the depths of depression, you do feel worthless. it is sometimes even hard to see that it is the depression working. you are sure that your feelings and thoughts are real and justified, even if they are not. depression truly changes your perspective and changes who you are.

hang in there and keep taking care of yourself and your son. if you have the opportunity, keep encouraging your h to get the right meds and ic. while you can't make him do it, you can push him in that directions. maybe enough pushes and he will get himself some help.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
badlyhurting
Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, December 22nd (Monday)

Edited to remove comments...

[This message edited by badlyhurting at 10:43 AM, January 12th (Monday)]


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
hurtbutstrong
Member
Member # 21830
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, December 22nd (Monday)

badlyhurting, I am so sorry to read your post. I'm worried about you. Are you on AD meds? Do you go to IC? Can you call to talk with your counselor? Please it is so important to talk to someone right now. Can you go to a friend's house or family? Can you call someone to come to spend time with you?

((hugs))badlyhurting. Please come back and post to let us know how you are doing.


BS-39
XH-41
DS-10

Posts: 296 | Registered: Nov 2008
Lurksalot
Member
Member # 2162
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, December 22nd (Monday)

BadlyHurting,

You have previously attempted suicide, been hospitalized, and treated for depression without success. You are a single mother to 5 young children.

Do you have any local support? Is there a friend or relative who can take care of your children for you so that you can focus on taking care of yourself?

There are some tools that you can use to stop the recurring fantasies. "Visualization" is one. When you begin to recognize that you are having these suicidal fantasies, you picture a bright red, octagonal "STOP" sign and even say the word out loud. You tell yourself, "I'm not going to think that right now.

The second tool is redirection. While you are looking at the bright red Stop sign in your mind, you say, "I'm going to think about _____, instead."

Then you force yourself to focus on whatever it was that you used to fill in the blank in the previous sentence. Maybe it's the alphabet song. Sing it. Maybe it's the times tables. Recite them.

Using these tools take practice, and they don't solve any underlying problem, but using them gets you out of "crisis mode."

sending you strength
Lurks


BS, WS, mostly healed, mostly reconciled.

Posts: 2907 | Registered: Sep 2003
I am Broken
New Member
Member # 22101
Sad  Posted: 4:23 PM, December 22nd (Monday)

First post,other than profile.Dealing with depression,anxiety,suicidal thoughts since D-day on 6-20-06.Never had any of this before.Pre meds ,constant fear,anxiety,panic,mind racing,suicidal thoughts etc.,on meds -robotic,calm outwardly,some suicidal thoughts,inner turmiol and pain,brokeness, from affair still there.I've had no soul/emotional healing due to spouse refusing to deal with it,numerous side issues too.(see profile)I'm on heavy meds and recently went through a 1 week inpatient (joke of)program for depression.I had hoped after 2-1/2 years,I'd be better.Am I going to be in this hell forever??Me-BS,age50 WH-age 51 , 30 years married,33 together, In reconcilation

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2008
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, December 22nd (Monday)

Badlyhurting,
Please call National Suicide Hotlines USA Toll-Free / 24 hours a day / 7 days a week

1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-273-TALK
1-800-784-2433 1-800-273-8255

http://suicidehotlines.com/


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
badlyhurting
Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, December 22nd (Monday)

Edited to remove comments...

[This message edited by badlyhurting at 10:44 AM, January 12th (Monday)]


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
mt_in_texas
Member
Member # 4964
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, December 22nd (Monday)

badlyhurting....are you there? Are you alright?


I just took my eyes off for a brief moment and the 4x4 hit me over the ahead again.

Posts: 503 | Registered: Jul 2004
badlyhurting
Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, December 22nd (Monday)

Yes, I'm still here...


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, December 22nd (Monday)

(((((badlyhurting)))))

(((((i am broken)))))

please know that all of us are here for you. we know your pain. try to remind yourself that things WILL get better.

are you in ic? do you have friends you can talk to?

please keep posting. we are here to help.

also, just a note, this forum does not get as much traffic as the others. you might take a look at the other forums and post there, too.

stay strong


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
I am Broken
New Member
Member # 22101
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, December 22nd (Monday)

Yes,i'm in IC,and on antidepressants.I on recently started counseling It has been very difficult not having much of a support system,only one friend knows.The fist year I was determined I could handle it myself.By that time the constant fear,anxiety,panic,mind racing constantly,suicidal thoughts were taking it's toll as well as other huge non-A issues that continue to this day.(see profile)My H. refusing to deal with any of this except in a most surface way has made things worse too.See profile.Thank you for your response,any insights are appreciated!

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2008
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, December 22nd (Monday)

((((badlyhurting))) I am sorry to hear that you went through that. Keep posting any place here. Or call any friends or your family.

(((I am Broken))) Hang in there.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, December 22nd (Monday)

(((((badlyhurting)))))

(((((i am broken)))))

please know that all of us are here for you. we know your pain. try to remind yourself that things WILL get better.

are you in ic? do you have friends you can talk to?

please keep posting. we are here to help.

also, just a note, this forum does not get as much traffic as the others. you might take a look at the other forums and post there, too.

stay strong


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
badlyhurting
Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday)

I'm not in IC right now. Cannot afford it. I lose my health coverage when the D becomes final and I won't have enough to get coverage until I find a job.

The Women's shelter where I used to live offered me phone counseling...I called yesterday to try to set something up.

No real friends at this time. My STBX/WS and I lived 24 hours away from my family and friends...he isolated me by keeping me pregnant with small children and keeping all control of all the money coming into the household.

I'm living with family right now...but they don't know what to say to me. My parents are still married after 40+ years, my sister and brother are both happily married, and my other brother is dealing with his own health issues.

I just have to accept life sucks...

[This message edited by badlyhurting at 10:45 AM, January 12th (Monday)]


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, December 24th (Wednesday)

badly hurting and i am lost,

please let us know how you are doing.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
badlyhurting
Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, December 24th (Wednesday)

I am crying.

This is the third holiday season in a row he has brought me pain.

There is no "merry" or "happy" in Christmas and Holidays.


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, December 25th (Thursday)

(((((badlyhurting)))))

i am so sorry. are you spending the holiday with family or friends?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
badlyhurting
Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, December 25th (Thursday)

I spent it with my children and several family members. I am living with family, since my STBX/WS stopped paying out mortgage, the house is being foreclosed on, and the children and I are basically homeless.

It is like I am living in a nightmare.

Edited to removes several comments...

[This message edited by badlyhurting at 10:43 AM, January 12th (Monday)]


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 26th (Friday)

(((((badlyhurting)))))

do you have anyone irl you can talk to?

when are you supposed to do that phone counseling with the women's shelter?

stay strong. i know it's hard, but things will get better.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
badlyhurting
Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, December 26th (Friday)

I never got a call back...I will try calling again on Monday.

It hasn't helped up until now, though...

Edited...

[This message edited by badlyhurting at 10:47 AM, January 12th (Monday)]


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
toonice
Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, December 26th (Friday)

I went to see a psychiatrist today, to get evaluated for depression, and he asked me a few standard questions, and wrote me a prescription for lexapro. I am hoping it will help.

I'm having a lot of extreme emotions and anger, and difficulty concentrating, sleep problems, etc.

I don't have a suicidal bone in my body; I've often told people that if they find me dead of apparent suicide, tell the cops I was definitely murdered.

But I do feel rather hopeless. I don't think there's any way to salvage this M, and my life is basically ruined. I had everything invested in my family, my kids, and all that stuff - so hard around Christmastime - because I can't envision family Christmas with my grandkids, or any of that, because I can't see myself staying with FWW. I hate her, I wish she'd just go away forever, or die.

And that's why I'm starting on AD's.

FWW has struggled with depression on and off her whole life - partially what led to her A's. When I first noticed it 13 years ago, I told her to get help; mainly because I didn't like how she was treating me. When she would share her sadness with me (very rarely), I would feel sorry for her, but I could not force her to get help. She refused. Later she went on Zoloft, but didn't get treated or evaluated for depression. (GP handed her "happy pills" to stop her complaining).

Lately, I'm not sure I give a crap about her problems anymore. She's got to take care of her own shit, and as long as she's a danger to me; well, I've got to take care of mine.

[This message edited by toonice at 6:56 PM, December 26th (Friday)]


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, December 29th (Monday)

badly hurting, did you call again?

please update and let us know you're ok.

toonice, give the ad's a couple of weeks. if they don't help, they may not be right for you and you may need to try a different one.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
badlyhurting
Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, December 29th (Monday)

Counselor never called back...I didn't call today. Will put it on my list of things to do tomorrow.

Called the courthouse, though, and found out STBX/WS lied yet again and didn't turn in the papers he said he did. (They are not in the file, as he said they were. Guess they could be somewhere in the courthouse, but I'm skeptical.)

I just feel like this H*** will never end...


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, December 30th (Tuesday)

(((((badlyhurting)))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, December 30th (Tuesday)

Hang in there, badlyhurting. I know what it feels like to have constant suicidal thoughts - I've had them on and off ever since this holiday seasom started, and I'm just praying for the last two days to be over with so that I can get back to ... well, what my "normality" is, which is running to therapy, then running to my pdoc for meds, then more doctor's appointments, more therapy, more meds, etc.

I've been so down the past month that I've considered ending it all, too. And I can't tell anyone, either, because I've been locked up in a ward before and if I even hint at how I'm feeling they'll lock me up again, I know it. People look at me differently once they find out I've been in a mental hospital, even for the brief 72 hours I was there. The stigma is alive and well...

How are you coping? Have you gotten any answer from the shelter? Are you on a time limit as far as where you're staying now?

Hang in there, I know it's hard, I really do. One thing that I'm very grateful for is that I still have a job right now, but that could change at any time and I know it. I've never been a religious person, but I'm starting to learn the meaning of the word prayer - believe me.

(((badlyhurting)))

ETA: Spelling errors fixed.

[This message edited by Fireball72 at 12:32 PM, December 30th (Tuesday)]


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
Sad & Alone
Member
Member # 10183
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, December 31st (Wednesday)

Almost all day, everyday, I just want to/wish to die.

I know the feeling... I don't have any words of comfort, only know you aren't alone in feeling that way...


We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer. - Dietrich Bonhoeffer, writer

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. - Robert Quillen, journalist


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Southern California
bbee
Member
Member # 17840
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, January 1st (Thursday)

It's not that I actively wish it, it's just that I constantly think about it. Almost a fantasy, but not quite. Just a regular imagining, if that makes any sense.


This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1


Posts: 6623 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SE US
badlyhurting
Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, January 1st (Thursday)

Edited...

[This message edited by badlyhurting at 5:33 PM, January 12th (Monday)]


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, January 1st (Thursday)

(((((hugs for all)))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
kman
Member
Member # 9901
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, January 14th (Wednesday)

The pit

I have fallen into the pit. All black, with no hope, or joy, or hint of it ever ending.

I can't function.

There is only fear, anger, sadness.

I wish the pain would end.


Surviving it does not mean that it was ever ok.
D-Day 1: November 17, 2005
D-Day 2: January 20, 2006
Divorced December 1, 2009
Waiting period over March 1, 2010

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Feb 2006
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, January 14th (Wednesday)

(((((kman)))))

there is always hope


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
jamesb
New Member
Member # 22399
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, January 21st (Wednesday)

I have had a good experience with antidepressants. Over a year after my wife's affair first came out, I was still hurting badly and visited my doctor.

He put me on citalopram 20mg, which was recently increased to 30mg around the time I found out that the affair was still going on.

I had a lot of side effects for the first few weeks, and some of them are still there (difficulty reaching orgasm, etc...) but overall they have really helped me.

I think one of the biggest helps for me has been trying to find my own identity again. I've started taking a 'confidence building and positive living' course, and I've been reading books on NLP and confidence.

My life has turned around a lot over recent weeks and I've started to reduce the dose of citalopram.

I'm feeling more positive than I have done in a long time.

I've realised that the choices are within me. Only I can bring myself out of this. Pills, therapists, etc... Yes, they're all helpful but I have realised that no one can do the work for me.

Take care
x


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jan 2009
painfuldaysagain
New Member
Member # 22650
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, January 28th (Wednesday)

Has anyone else had problems with a major lack of appetite with the depression? I can't eat (have eaten hardly anything since D day a week ago) and have lost almost 10 pounds. I know I'm depressed, I'm trying to deal with that. But how do I deal with the fact that food makes me nauseous? Will that lighten as the depression does? Oh, someone please tell me this will lighten up somewhat.


Me - BS 47
Husband - WS 50
Together 28 years with 3 great kids - 23, 20 and 16
D-Day #1: 1/84, R-Day #1: 2/84
D-Day #2: 1/21/09, R-Day #2: 1/22/09 - ongoing

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Pacific Northwest
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday)

Hi, (((painfuldays))).

Hope you're still reading and with us.

As far as appetite loss goes, yes, I'd say it's pretty common on ADs. If you're not far out from D-day, that's also going to intensify. Make sure you're taking SOME kind of nourishment - even if it's just liquid-based like broth or Ensure shakes. When I have trouble eating - and I do, sometimes still - I make myself fruit and ice smoothies in a blender - I add protein powder to them so that I can get some benefits out of them, and the fruit intake helps. They're easy to swallow and they'll keep me going.

It is VERY IMPORTANT that you try to eat, even if it's just smoothies or soup for now. For me personally, I have very bad physical symptoms as well as mental, and not eating aggravates my condition - makes me feel that much worse - so even if I'm not hungry, I'll make a smoothie or something so that my body won't "turn" on me, so to speak.

A week from D-day is a VERY SHORT period of time, so this is very much normal right now - it's what some call "the infidelity diet" and it SUCKS, believe me. But it'll get better - promise. It might take some time, but it will get better.

[This message edited by Fireball72 at 10:59 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday)

ETA: Double post. Ack, sorry.

[This message edited by Fireball72 at 9:08 PM, February 5th (Thursday)]


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, March 15th (Sunday)

i wish this thread had more traffic, since i know a lot of us are dealing with this, both bs and ws.

i'm struggling with it today. staying on the boards to stay connected with somebody.

unfortunately, i guess, i am a member of several threads in i can relate...

but those threads, this one especially, seem to be slow...

i know you are out there.

i know how hard it is...

please post.

we can be there for each other...



no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, March 15th (Sunday)

hi its and ((((its)))
sorry you are feeling especially bad today. i'm there with you.

it's storming and i feel trapped and alone.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, March 15th (Sunday)

hi, wh2m,

not glad you're in the same boat as me, but glad to see a familiar and friendly face.

we finally have some sun today after two days of rain/overcast/cloudy/stormy days. which is nice.

i'm in a good place...but in a bad place, if you kwim?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, March 15th (Sunday)

unfortunately, i totally kwum.

i think the most frustrating part of the rollercoaster (other than the betrayal itself) is that i don't feel in control of me.

i almost feel like i am setting my h up to fail, since he has already failed our marriage. he really is trying (to the best of his abilities), but i'm still looking for more.

i think because pre-ons, he wasn't putting me or us as a family first and so i'm looking for that extraordinary measure that says i'm worth it to him... idk... i guess i'm rambling... i'm tired of telling him though - at this point i'm just plain tired of all of it.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, March 15th (Sunday)

i think the most frustrating part of the rollercoaster (other than the betrayal itself) is that i don't feel in control of me.

right there with you on that.

he is doing everything he can...i can't think of what else he could do. but sometimes it is just not enough. but that is because i don't have control of me.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, March 15th (Sunday)

I should be talking here more. I'm trying to reduce my ADs because I think they're inflaming the anger. But doing that has made me sad, the depressive symptoms come back almost instantly. I'm bumping them up tomorrow.

There are many other factors contributing to the downward spiral, some I can control, others I can't and I'm losing my will to fight. I get up every morning, get dressed, look for work, do something constructive around the house, but it's never enough, never quite right and I want to give up.

But I fight it. I feel like I'm always at battle against the depression.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, March 15th (Sunday)

((((weepy))))

have you talked to your dr. lately about your meds?

are you in ic?

take care.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, March 16th (Monday)

I agree... this seems to be the slowest moving thread... and yet there's so many of us that seem to struggle with this horrible illness, whether temporarily or permanently...

I'm glad that someone's stopped in recently, though. Unfortunately I'm struggling again with MDD symptoms, and it's been... well, rocky is a good word for it. I was taken off of my Paxil last week and put on Wellbutrin and buspirone because it now looks like I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) as well... thanks, XH, you sonofabitch...

When you're taken off SSRI drugs, sometimes you go through 'discontinuation syndrome' where you feel mighty, mighty sick for a while.. and I think I'm having it. Can't sleep, I've been dizzy for over a week now, light-headed, nauseous..

Infidelity, the gift that just keeps on giving.

I hope everyone is safe tonight.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, March 16th (Monday)

I've talked with Dr. I cannot make myself go back on the SSRI or other ADs because of the side effects.

#1 the reduced sex drive. Massive trigger that I went on ADs right after discovering the first red flag which I let him gaslight me about. Probably dealing with depressing at that point. Dday with denial.

#2 I gained 40 lbs in the first year I was on Paxil. Again, another issue that he used to justify the As. I'd be more stressed out at every pound gained than the meds could handle.

No, I was fine on the 300mg Wellbutrin, but I wanted to see if reducing them would cut back on the anger response. Dr. agreed.

What I need is a medication that will block ALL feeling. I just want to be a stone like H and have nothing bother me.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
whathappenedtome
Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, March 16th (Monday)

I haven't went down the med aisle yet.... I'm afraid to.

But also, the anger and lack of carpe diem is consuming me and I know I need to do something and soon.

This week, I'm going to try to get to the gym at least 4 times. If only for 30 minutes of cardio.

I'm hoping that by changing my behavior, I will feel better about myself and take back a little bit of control over me.

Hugs to all.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, March 16th (Monday)

I have been struggling with depression since D Day almost four years ago. Finally saw a doctor. The AD's help, but they just mask the anger and pain.

I'm here for anyone wanting to chat.

Tried 5 meds over the past five weeks, finally taking the right one. I experienced serious side effects with the first four to the point where I was in bed for days.

Anyone can PM me. I'd enjoy having someone to speak with who is going through the same thing. This stinks.


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, March 27th (Friday)

Just checking in to see how everyone is doing.

I'm a little better, though I've been put on ADDITIONAL meds - I was already on Wellbutrin and Buspar, now they've added Abilify AS WELL.

My God, I had no idea that this depression of mine was going to spiral down into the hell that it's become when all of the crap with my XH happened. I thought it was just something I could "get over", but.... meh, I see where that's gotten me.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about him recently, too, which hasn't helped me much. I'm in IC as well as being on my meds and was gently told that "I have to deal with this at some point" - I don't know if that means she thinks I'm holding back or what. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm just tired of talking, talking, talking, nothing changes. He still cheated on me, he still took my heart and stomped on it, he still has ruined my trust to the point where I trust no one at all - and I mean no one. What good does more talking do?

I know this post is full of pain... and I won't lie, I'm in pain tonight. But it's still better than what it was. I'm starting to feel human again.

How's everyone else doing? I worry about the folks on this thread, it's not as active as the others and there's so much pain here, it's palpable, I can feel it.

Please keep yourself safe tonight, no matter what it takes to do so.

((((())))))



XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
Meadhbh
Member
Member # 23087
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, March 27th (Friday)

Better living through chemistry is working for me. Under doctor's direction, of course. It has helped with the feeling that at any moment I might be struck by lightning.

I wish I was on the other side of this divorce business though! I do have some moment to moment anxiety. I hate disagreement and ugly moments; but I have to do what I have to do. I pray for strength daily. That helps too.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just an idiot in tin foil."

Posts: 1074 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Middle USA
sick_and_sad
Member
Member # 22958
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, March 27th (Friday)

It's kind of funny (in that not really funny at all kind of way)... I've actually been LESS depressed since D-Day. Sad, yes. Angry, definitely.

But in MC it seems that she has been suffering for years because of my depression. Feeling like she needed to carry the optimism and enthusiasm for our entire family. And then just ran out of steam.

This, of course, doesn't mean the affair was okay. And she knows that on most levels.

But she doesn't trust me anymore. She doesn't trust that I will not drag her down with me.

The irony is that I'm on what appears to be a really good mix of drugs and feel "normal" for the first time in a long time. I was on Zoloft for eight of our eighteen years, and while I didn't feel hopeless or miserable, I was sort of emotionally unreachable. I also gained weight, which was really hard for me with my history of an eating disorder.

But now, a mix of low doses of Wellbutrin and Celexa seems to be doing the trick. I don't crave carbs, I cry and experience a full range of emotions (including desire!), and I don't feel hopeless.

But I feel like she will never see this.


Me 50
Twin boys 15
On our own since 5/21/2009


Posts: 506 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Minneapolis
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, March 28th (Saturday)

better living through chemistry for me, too!

i also take a lose dose of wellbutrin and celexa combo. i was taking a full dose of wellbutrin before dday, dr. added celexa after because it just wasnt emough anymore. then we cut back my wellbutrin due to badly shaking hands, and the shaking has gone away, but my mood is still stable.

sick and sad, just wanted to say, gently, that it is her responsibility to keep you from dragging her down. it is your responsiblity to try not to, but ultimately she controls herself. i have no idea of how to get her to see that, though.

((((hugs for all))))

and, like someone else said earlier, please, anyone, feel free to pm me. i try to get on si at least once a day to check on everyone.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 31st (Tuesday)

Ugh. The Abilify is making me quite sleepy, as well as nauseous. Bleh.

I think the worst part of having chronic depression is the trying of one AD after another. The doctor will prescribe Flavor A, that doesn't work, then he tries Flavor B... better but not enough so then he adds Flavor C, etc.

I call them "the drug rounds". I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it!

sick_and_sad, was your depression dx recent? I'm asking because if it's just been dx'ed and your wife's been living with this for a long time... well, it could be that she does feel a little hopeless. I find that those of us with depression (especially the permanent) often don't realize the toll it tends to take on not only ourselves, but our loved ones, too.

Your wife might benefit from this link:

http://www.hap.org/healthy_living/depression/dep_livingwith.php

She needs time, I think, and as much reassurance as you can give her.

It's been a bad week here, not only am I starting on a new med, but I just found out about another PA my XH had, so... I'm not doing well right now.

But I'm not giving up.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
omisery
Member
Member # 22967
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, April 10th (Friday)

This is my first post here in this thread. I can understand why this would be a slow thread, as depression makes us feel so isolated and lethargic at times.

I was fortunate to be on AD's before WH's mess came to light, and I've been working with my doctor almost every week over the past two painful months tweaking my medications, adding anti-anxiety and sleeping aids.

I don't know if it is helping. I guess partly you just have to feel some of this pain no matter what you take. I have good days, but mostly I can't hardly leave the house or care for my kids.

At least it has been over a week since I've wanted to kill myself!


Me: BW 40
Him: WH 45

Is this the end or did it just begin - Led Zeppelin


Posts: 155 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, April 17th (Friday)

omisery, i can also see why this would be a slow thread.

i was on ad's already before dday, too.

went on an additional med after.

you know, as bad as my depression has been in the past, i have never, ever considered killing myself.

because i always knew how dramatically things could change.

until dday.

it still surprises me when i think about it--that i could actually be at the point where i think it can never get better.

but i got there.

fortunately, i am not there now.

hugs to all


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
kman
Member
Member # 9901
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, April 25th (Saturday)

Oh boy, back home again. I can't remember the last time I felt like this. I am sleeping 10 to 12 hours a day, and could stay in bed right around the clock, but am getting up because it's necessary.

I feel as if my stbxw is maniuplating the situation with the children. D3 is nearby (I don't know where Zona or D3 are) - since last night, and I'm penciled in for Monday evening - she goes back to school Tuesday.

I've had police at my place of work, and at my home - I have a bad history of being arrested without cause, and it's a hot-button with me.

I'm cutting out large sections of my friend lists, and my email contacts - I've been so pissed off that I'm afraid I will go off at a relative or mutual contact. I don't need any more opportunities to do or say stupid things in my rage.

I'm anxious as hell, and I don't think that new social situations are something I'm going to be very good at right now.

Zona is telling my family that I'm not well - a threat to myself, so I have to reassure them as well. My father made three phone calls to my girls in one day to try to be sure that I'm ok. My father has never made a phone call like this in my lifetime that I know of.

The therapist with whom I have made so much progress - changed my life really - can not work with me any more because he acted as a marriage counselor to us both, and it creates a built-in conflict. I need someone to speak to like I can't remember when, and the guy who I know can help can't help.

I live in hell. Hopefully the referral therapist will call on Monday. Hopefully my referral attorney will call on Monday as well. And today and tomorrow, I will hold on as tightly as I can.


Surviving it does not mean that it was ever ok.
D-Day 1: November 17, 2005
D-Day 2: January 20, 2006
Divorced December 1, 2009
Waiting period over March 1, 2010

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Feb 2006
tunatuna
New Member
Member # 23474
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, April 26th (Sunday)

Does anybody have sleep problem?


me-BS 36
Him WS 43
M:9 years, together 13.
S 8, D 5.
DD 12/27/2008
EA, in R ?

Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2009
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, April 27th (Monday)

i do have sleep problems, but getting better.

i am trying to establish a sleep routine-do the same things in the same order (wash face, brush teeth, etc) and go to bed at about the same time and get up at about the same time every night. that helps. also exercise...we are trying to walk every evening.

i do take ambien on occasion, but try not to if i don't have to because i don't want to become dependent on it.

benadryl can help. also, calm forte is a homeopathic remedy that can often be found at walmart or in the drugstore that can help, too.

i also have sleep apnea and have to use a cpap machine at night, so i really didn't need any more problems with my sleep!

hope you get some sleep.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
TortillaChip
Member
Member # 15357
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, April 29th (Wednesday)

Depressed? Yes. Unable to cope. Unable to parent well. Low self-estemm, low confidence as a mother.

The other day, one of my daughters refused to eat lunch and I almost had a nervous breakdown. It sounds silly now but at the time all I could think of was "I can't even feed my children. How can I manage to parent them?"

I wanted to die. I couldn't stop crying.

I can't kill myself because I don't want my girls to suffer but I hope all the time that I will get cancer and leave.

To be betrayed by someone you loved and spent so many years with makes me feel that my life was a waste. I just want it all to end.

[This message edited by TortillaChip at 1:02 AM, April 29th (Wednesday)]


Me, BW 43; Him, WH 42
23 yr relationship, 15 yr marriage
2 DD (8 and 3) 3 yr LTA with OW.
Left my life in Europe to come back to CA after he could not stop his affair. I have been an unwilling single parent for 2 years now. Divorce is in the works.

Posts: 649 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Bay Area
Frogger
Member
Member # 15442
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, April 29th (Wednesday)

Wow Tortilla I could have written that post tonight except for me I broke down in tears because I forgot to wash the soccer uniform.

I also hope that I just die of natural causes. I would never leave my kids on purpose but I fight that urge lately a lot.

I haven't read this thread yet but it seems to me that what we are feeling is normal and "healthy" in light of what we have been through. No reaction or being happy would be weird. KWIM? What sane person could handle all the betrayals?


Love isn't enough, you need respect and trust. -Jimi40

Posts: 2296 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
luv80smusic
Member
Member # 17248
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, April 30th (Thursday)

Anyone taking Celexa? I just started it and was wondering if there were any really bad side effects.


Betrayed wife
D Day 9/7/07
Reconciled yes 100% trust no

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.


Posts: 622 | Registered: Dec 2007
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 30th (Thursday)

i am taking celexa on top of my wellbutrin--was taking wellbutrin before dday, added celexa after...

i don't have any side effects, and it seems to be working well for me.

to address the previous posts...

i have had meltdowns like that.

i once burst into tears and curled up into a fetal position on my floor because i spilled my drink.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
luv80smusic
Member
Member # 17248
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, May 5th (Tuesday)

I think the celexa is causing weird dreams. I wake up every night after a dream (I usually don't remember them) then I lie there until I fall back asleep. I hope this goes away! I like sleep :-)


Betrayed wife
D Day 9/7/07
Reconciled yes 100% trust no

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.


Posts: 622 | Registered: Dec 2007
Frogger
Member
Member # 15442
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, May 8th (Friday)

Second day on Paxil. Huge deal for me to take it. Just pride I guess.

I finally started it when FWH pointed out how much the kids are suffering from my depression.


Love isn't enough, you need respect and trust. -Jimi40

Posts: 2296 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
Ceva
Member
Member # 23962
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, May 16th (Saturday)

Iam so glad I found this thread.

I wanted to kill myself today. Doc prescribed valium for me right after Dday I went to her b/c I have a 2 year old and was unable to function...so the valium...

Valium calmed me down, but I am so depressed. I am angry too .

I have been a great mom before Dday- but now I feel unable, inadequate to handle my toddler. Poor guy- he has no idea why his mama breaks down and cries...and Iam letting him do things I should not- probably the valium just making me feel, well, not much..so what do I care if he wants to throw crayons around or spill a huge glass of water...I just shrug and sigh and walk past.

This is killing me to be a bad mom.

WH says he's here for me! yay! I get the weekend off!? So Monday when he goes to work, how do I canre for my son?

I was always a happy go lucky fun loving get out into the world mom..Now I can barely move.

I have 5 Valiums left...this is the second scrip..Dc said no more after this as it is addictive....maybe she will prescribe AD.....but I dont want that- I want to be numb....I want to die and have this pain e gone- but my son..my son. He is all that I have and I feel my WH took him too as now I am not ableto function as a good mother..It is all too much and too sad.


ME: BS 43
Him: WH 44...9 month PA w/ co-worker
WH: wants R
me: not sure...back to square 1: total devastation
Dday(Trickle Truth) April 12-May 8 2009
married 20 years
2 yr old son-light of my life

Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2009 | From: western USA
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, May 16th (Saturday)

ceva, please, please do not hurt yourself. your son needs you. you are the only mom he has, even if you do let him throw crayons around.

go to your dr first thing monday morning. i'm no dr., but it sounds to me like you don't need valium, you need ad's. tell your dr everything you wrote in this post. as matter of fact, print it and take it to your dr.

are you in ic as well?

take care of yourself and keep posting. pm me if you want.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
down4now
Member
Member # 23635
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, May 20th (Wednesday)

Any WS out there who started their A because they were depressed?

My FWH was deeply depressed before the A but couldn't admit it to himself. Blamed our M and me though he knew in his heart that wasn't the cause. Says OW 'made him feel alive' i.e. her OTT ego stroking/flattery and sexual offers were the only things that dragged him briefly out of the dark place he was in. Between the highs of the A (sex talk and anticipation) he was guilt ridden and suicidal. Now he's struggling to cope and thinks he might be on the edge of a breakdown but refuses to go the doctors. Doesn't want Meds as he's never believed in them. Has just started IC but it's early days yet. Keeps feeling as if 'somethings going to break' yet is just about managing to keep working as he feels that's all that is keeping him sane. Can anyone relate to this?
I'm in too much of a reactive depressive state to give him any real help in this and obviously, he can't help me through this given the state he's in. I'm really worried about him.


BS (me) 44
WS (him)45
Married 21yrs, Together 25 yrs
Children boy 14, girl 19
D-Day(s)26th Feb, 1st March, 12th March 2009
5 Month EA/PA
OW: 52,former friend.
NC 4th March 09. Broken by OW 13th Aug, 20th Nov
On the road to R

Posts: 837 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: UK
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, May 27th (Wednesday)

i'm trying really hard not to fall into the pit. i am on the edge.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, May 28th (Thursday)

i wish this thread has more traffic.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, May 28th (Thursday)

Some threads don't have enough traffic. It's hard when you're in need, you want someone to reach out.

I'm here, itspjw.

Depression just sucks. It's bad enough to be dealing with the aftermath of an A but to bring your own black hole of being a depression sufferer with you, it sucks sucks sucks.

Can you do something nice for yourself today?

Ideas:

Cup of herbal tea, with cookies
frozen yogurt or icecream from an ice cream parlor instead of the grocery
comfort food from your childhood (for me, PG&J, or mac and cheese) for dinner
manicure with nice smelling lotion
extra long hot shower or bath
go look for birds in the trees, try to find out what kind they are
walk around the neighborhood
read a book or a magazine
play a video game
work a puzzle
take care of one really annoying task and get it off your back
Clean or organize one small place in your home
Buy a potted plant from the nursery

take care, and hugs.

kk


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1006 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Cliche
Member
Member # 18659
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, May 28th (Thursday)

I've been on celexa now for 2 yrs. It has been a life saver for me. I am on a very low dose now, 15 mg. The main side problem I have with it are the sexual side effects. A new doctor suggested adding a low dose of Wellbutrin. For those of you on both celexa and wellbutrin (I know there are several here), do you have a problem with sexual side effects?


BS - me 55
WS - H 56
DDay 3/28/07 I was 53, H 55)
3 kids 23.21.18
married 31 years
together 30
reconciling....


Posts: 580 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: California
eyes2thehills
Member
Member # 24094
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, May 28th (Thursday)

I hear you all. I feel just like many of you. While there is no way I'd ever kill myself, getting into a car crash and leaving this earth would be a welcome gift from God. I'm tired all the time, even if I sleep a full night. I don't want to get out of bed. I feel so hopeless. It is God's promises that keep me going. I have to quote them over and over all day long. I look at the sweet faces of my kids and I put one foot in front of the other. If God can move mountains, why not move mine? I'm starting zoloft today. How long before you feel the effects? Is the change noticable?

Posts: 174 | Registered: May 2009
Cliche
Member
Member # 18659
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, May 29th (Friday)

When I first started celexa, I felt a lightening of my mood on day 4. It was if someone lifted a heavy blanket off me. It was almost startling. The full effect didn't hit for a few more weeks. It was definitely something I needed.


BS - me 55
WS - H 56
DDay 3/28/07 I was 53, H 55)
3 kids 23.21.18
married 31 years
together 30
reconciling....


Posts: 580 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: California
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, May 29th (Friday)

i'm holding on for dear life right now not to fall into that pit.

i saw my c yesterday, that helps.

if i'm not better soon, he told me to go back to my dr. and adjust my meds. since today is friday, i'll see what the weekend brings and if i need to i will call on Monday.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, May 29th (Friday)

i'm struggling


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
wontgiveup
New Member
Member # 23958
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, May 29th (Friday)

I start my IC on Monday and my dr adjusted my Paxil from 20mg to 40mg. I am still depressed though, but my panic attacks aren't as bad. I guess I am still in shock of all this and how my life changed just all of a sudden.


BW-me 35
WH-him 35
Dday- Feb.15,2009

Posts: 41 | Registered: May 2009
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, May 29th (Friday)

mr its will be home tomorrow and that will help. he has become very understanding about my depression--he finally realizes that it is a real medical condition, and i can't just pull my self out of it. he'll help me get through the weekend.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Cliche
Member
Member # 18659
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, May 29th (Friday)

((itspjw))


BS - me 55
WS - H 56
DDay 3/28/07 I was 53, H 55)
3 kids 23.21.18
married 31 years
together 30
reconciling....


Posts: 580 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: California
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, May 29th (Friday)

thanks.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
hurts
Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, June 4th (Thursday)

[This message edited by hurts at 2:24 PM, June 4th (Thursday)]


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
eyes2thehills
Member
Member # 24094
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, June 4th (Thursday)

I just started a low dose Zoloft and immediately started gaining weight. Is this a normal side effect? Has anyone been able to avoid this? How so? I don't think I'm eating more. Why does this happen? With depression, the last thing I need is another reason to feel down on myself...

Posts: 174 | Registered: May 2009
Lonerider
Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 5th (Friday)

eyes,

Yeah, anti-depressants tend to have weight gain as a common side effect. You can sk your Dr if there's something else you can try.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
shockdbyndbelief
Member
Member # 21286
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, June 5th (Friday)

I just noticed this thread...my Dday was 8 months ago...I broke up with my ex, but was still living the apt. we had together. I just moved into my own new place a couple of weeks ago, and I feel like it is the day after DDay. Crying every day...

I just doubled my Zoloft dosage...I only have a number of IC sessions left, covered by insurance.

eyes, I did gain weight from the Zoloft...not much, though.

Hugs to all.


Posts: 145 | Registered: Oct 2008
dghen
Member
Member # 11327
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, June 5th (Friday)

I'm here its I finally gave in I have been on matinece dosages for depression for a few yrs... well the situation has improved but I am still stuck so saw the physicrist hell I cant even spell tonight I know that isnt right. She is upping my trazadone and wellbutrin and easing me off the xanax completly I dont know what I will do when I get anxious. She came to the conclusion that I am depressed have anxiety and ptsd and I get to see her at least once a week for a while. oh Joy


The minute you settle for less than you deserve you get even less than you settled for.
In the end people turn out to be, who they promised they wouldn't. Maureen Dowd

Its time for ME to be what I always wanted ME to be.


Posts: 1556 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: So Sub Chicago
eyes2thehills
Member
Member # 24094
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 5th (Friday)

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in the weight gain. What a bummer of a side effect! Has anyone used a different AD that didn't lead to weight gain?

Posts: 174 | Registered: May 2009
sick_and_sad
Member
Member # 22958
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, June 6th (Saturday)

I was on Zoloft for 8 years and put on about 20 pounds. After a couple of tries, I'm now on Celexa and Wellbutrin together and it seems to have done the trick! I don't have the same carb and sugar cravings I did...AND I'm able to cry...something I could never do on Zoloft (although infidelity and divorce probably help with that too).


Me 50
Twin boys 15
On our own since 5/21/2009


Posts: 506 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Minneapolis
Cliche
Member
Member # 18659
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, June 6th (Saturday)

Dghen, one of the side effects of Wellbutrin is anxiety. AD's such as Lexapro, Prozac, celexa, perhaps a few others have been approved to treat anxiety. I was put on celexa to treat both my depression AND anxiety. You might ask your doc if a different AD might work better for you.


BS - me 55
WS - H 56
DDay 3/28/07 I was 53, H 55)
3 kids 23.21.18
married 31 years
together 30
reconciling....


Posts: 580 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: California
badlyhurting
Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, June 6th (Saturday)

When does the depression go away? IC and meds haven't touched it...so I guess it is just time?

Or do I just get to live feeling this way forever? I will forever have to deal with SD, after all...how can I move on?


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
eyes2thehills
Member
Member # 24094
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, June 6th (Saturday)

Hi Badlyhurting. Are you on ADs? I think it is important that we remember that depression is part of teh grieving cycle. Since grief is not a linear process, we can move in and out of D a few times before we have finally grieved the loss of our M as we knew it. Each time I go through it, it is less intense. I think you can cling to the hope that you will not live feeling this way forever. In the meantime, if you need some help, take the ADs. You deserve it!

Posts: 174 | Registered: May 2009
badlyhurting
Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 7th (Sunday)

Hi Badlyhurting. Are you on ADs?

Meds and IC have never really helped me very much, so no, I am not on ADs.


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
eyes2thehills
Member
Member # 24094
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, June 7th (Sunday)

I'd give yourself some time. Your divorce was only finalized a few months ago. That in and of itself is a tramatic event, and when you add in the trauma of infidelity, well...I think you are normal. Have you tried a variety of different ADs? My Dr. said that not all of them will have the same effect. She even went so far as to ask if any of my family members had taken any because they tend to work about the same in certain gene pools.

Posts: 174 | Registered: May 2009
badlyhurting
Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, June 7th (Sunday)

I have been on ADs, anti-anxieties and even anti-psychotic medications after Dday.

Then I tried to commit suicide.

I am one of those lucky people who medications make suicidal thoughts worse.

I wish I had succeeded most days, even still...and that was a year ago the end of June.

I'm just so sick and tired of feeling this way, but nothing about the situation can be changed. SD committed adultery twice in our marriage, was unremorseful, abandoned us twice...divorced me and hasn't so much as lifted a finger to see my kids in 7 months!

The kids are being hit with the full reality of the divorce and our move now...ask when they will see "daddy" (aka sperm donor)...and best I can tell he has no intention of seeing them at all this summer. Probably won't be until winter break, which means he won't have seen them for over a year.

Two people brought these children into the world! It is supposed to be the responsibility of TWO to raise them.

I love my kids...I hate my life. How do you reconcile that?


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, June 18th (Thursday)

I'm struggling tonight.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 19th (Friday)

I have been on four different anti-depressants with major side effects.

It has been four years and I am still an emotional wreck.

My doctor just put me on nortriptyline which I hope works. Only a couple of days but no side effects so far.

I am so tired of being depressed. I am a changed person.


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 22nd (Monday)

(((((((((annb))))))))

sometimes it is hard to find the right meds.

good luck with this new one.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 22nd (Monday)

Five days on meds, so far no side effects, but I cannot take the full dose yet.

Doctor started me with one dose daily for sevendays and then increase it to two doses. I hope by the time I increase the dose, I will start to feel some of the benefits of the medications.

Plus I'm in menopause hell and cannot take any hormones due to a vascular issue, so I feel as though something is missing in my body. Those damn hormones.

So between the depression and menopause, I'm in pretty bad shape especially when I am idle or at home. For some reason when I am working or out and about, the depression is not as severe.

I don't think I have hardly smiled during the past four years. I cannot imagine feeling this way much longer, I think I'd go insane.


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 22nd (Monday)

it does take a couple of weeks to feel the effects. give it time. it's good that you haven't had any side affects so far.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
lynne01
Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, June 22nd (Monday)

This is my first time posting here I suffer from depression and anxiety. I went to my doctor and he gave my laxapro. I still feel so hopeless I hate my life. I just hate feeling this way.


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, June 22nd (Monday)

lynne, how long have you been on the lexapro? it does take some time to feel the effects. if you have given it enough time and it's still not working, you might need to try something different.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, June 22nd (Monday)

I am glad to see there are others on this thread, I don't feel so alone.

Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
boohoo
Member
Member # 23035
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday)

Has anyone ever dealt with acute panic attacks from the effects of infidelity? (ie. rapid heart rate, extreme anxiety, Panicy chest pressure) Already on Lexapro but wonder how long this will go on (been 5 weeks since I got the whole story) It's been debiliating at times and I really want to figure how to get over this.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Feb 2009
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday)

i have had a few panic attacks, but not that bad so i have been able to handle them. have you told your dr? perhaps you need some ativan or xanax for those times. how long have you been on the lexapro?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday)

boohoo, agree with its. You might need a low dose of Xanax to help with the anxiety.

I'd also get a complete physical as well.


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, June 24th (Wednesday)

how is everyone doing?

today is a good day for me. i hope it is for y'all as well.

((((((hugs)))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 24th (Wednesday)

I think my meds are beginning to kick in slightly. I don't feel that rage running through my veins as much. (PTSD)

The doctor said it would take two to three weeks to feel the full effects of the medication.

Now I wish she would give me something to help me sleep, 3-4 hours a night is killing me.

This A crap is devastating. I am so, so tired.


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
hurt789
Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, June 24th (Wednesday)

does anyone know an antidepressant that doesnt cause weight gain? I havent taken any before, but I go to the doctor in a couple weeks and was going to talk to her about it. Its been almost 1 year since D-day and I still have panic attacks and still cant push the images and feelings to the back of my head to get through a day.


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, June 24th (Wednesday)

The anti-depressants that I could not take because of the side effects caused me to lose weight: Zoloft, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Celexa.


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 12th (Sunday)

i'm having a hard time lately. not wanting to get out of bad. hanging on to the edge of the pit for dear life trying not to fall all the way in.

i am seeing dr. tomorrow about changing/increasing my meds.

i am seeing ic again on tuesday.

in the meantime, i may just stay in bed.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, July 13th (Monday)

so, went to dr. today. increased both the wellbutrin and the celexa.

hope it helps. i think it will.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 18th (Saturday)

So, for the first time in a while I am feeling almost human. I think the increase in ad's is just starting to help. Not there yet, though.

I am back in ic for childhood issues, which are really beating me up. We are also dealing with the depression and my weight, since they are all related. Unfortunately, my ic is on vacation next week, so I have to wait another week.

How is everyone?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 26th (Sunday)

So, I had a couple of really bad days early last week.

But the last few days I have been feeling good! I think the increase is working!

How is everyone?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
wiswounded
Member
Member # 23928
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, July 26th (Sunday)

I recently spent five days in a depressive spiral after finding out even more A related crap. The dosage increase has been a tremendous help for me. I wish I would have called immediately. I could have saved myself a lot of grief.

W


XBW - Me
XWH - Creep I used to be married to
Divorce 7-13-09 (State of WI fastest)
"You cannot stop the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you CAN stop them from building nests in your hair"

Posts: 822 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Wisconsin
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 26th (Sunday)

Me, too. I should have called way sooner, and maybe I wouldn't have gone so low.

However, we both finally made the call and now feel better, so we can't dwell on the fact that it could have happened sooner, right?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
wiswounded
Member
Member # 23928
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 26th (Sunday)

Right...that's what I'm trying to do. My IC is helping me to accept that I am not perfect and when I Eff up, to actually say "Tah Dah!, I'm a human being. I made a mistake! What have I learned?" It's all part of my lessons in life. I can't wait to get my degree in "Surviving Infidelity". Heck, I'd even settle for a "Certificate of Completion" at this point.

The last few days though, I've set fewer, smaller goals with amazing results. I can succeed without a plan, a contingency plan and a contingency plan for the contingency plan. I have an idea what I want to accomplish in the long haul, what small things can I do in the next hour, few hours or day to work toward it?

((((itspjw))))

We are not alone.

W


XBW - Me
XWH - Creep I used to be married to
Divorce 7-13-09 (State of WI fastest)
"You cannot stop the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you CAN stop them from building nests in your hair"

Posts: 822 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Wisconsin
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 26th (Sunday)

I just made a very few very small goals for myself a few days ago. When those become a habit, I will be adding more.

(((((wiswounded))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
CryingGreenEyes
Member
Member # 24753
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, July 26th (Sunday)

I slammed hard into the wall of depression! It started out with extreme mood swings and insomnia and progressed into unstoppable crying, couldn't get out of bed, sleeping all the time and having very dark thoughts.

I reached out for my doctor and started taking an anti-depressant again. These are NOT miracle cures, but at least in my case it's helping to keep a balance. I don't have the extremes like I did before I started the medication. Now of course I still have a bad day sometimes but I'm doing much better.

I would encourage anyone feeling completely overwhelmed to contact their doctor for advice and possible medication. There is NO shame in admitting that something is bigger than you are and that you need help! It takes great strength and courage to reach out for help when you feel like life isn't worth living. I've been into the bowels of Hell with depression and I am so thankful that I recognized it and got the help that I needed. In addition to medication we are in MC, the combination seems to be working so far.


"The truth shall set you free... but first it's really gonna piss you off!"
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house you can never tell."

Posts: 1525 | Registered: Jul 2009
nothereorthere
Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, July 27th (Monday)

Hi everybody, my heart goes out to all of you. I didn't sleep at all for the first three months after I found out about my H's A. I really mean NOT AT ALL. It will be four years next month & I still have insomnia. I sleep now, but it's difficult to get to sleep & I wake up often. Most nights I only get a few hours of sleep. It's 3:44 AM as I write this

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 27th (Monday)

I am still having a difficult time even though my doctor increased my meds. I can focus a bit better, but still don't feeling like getting out of bed some days.

Just got back from a trip to Disneyworld, major, major triggers, I think the trip did more harm than good.

It has been four years since D Day, and I guess I have never gone through the acceptance stage. I don't know if I can every accept what he did to our lives.

I manage to hold a part-time job, but my problem is at home. I am not the same person anymore. I used to keep a clean house, used to enjoy cooking, now I barely clean, only when necessary, and I don't have any motivation to cook.

The days I get a few things done, like a couple of loads of laundry or bills, are my "accomplishment" days.

Add menopause to the mix, either I am sad, angry, or feel "nuts."


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
lost_in_space
Member
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, July 28th (Tuesday)

nothereorthere- I'm so there with not sleeping. I've had depression off and on since I was a teenager and it always included trouble sleeping. It became a more permanent part of my life when my first husband died suddenly in 97'. He was also a cheater and he died alone in a hotel room in his sleep after a seizure. The last person to see him was someone who he had been having an affair with. I was at home with my 3 week old son. Now after this second cheater I'm 2 for 2. I have doubts I will ever have a normal sleep pattern. I am on celexa (almost 2 weeks in) but it's not helping in the sleep department.


Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.


Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 28th (Tuesday)

I am finally feeling better and sleeping better. It took a while for the increase in meds to kick in.

As for sleep, one thing that helps is establishing a routine that you do at the same time in the same order every night. It might include washing your face, brushing your teeth, taking a bath, reading. And try to go to bed and get up at the same time every day.

Exercise helps, too, just don't do it too late in the day. They say late afternoon/early evening is the best time.

((((((((hugs)))))))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
lost_in_space
Member
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, August 3rd (Monday)

Having trouble with 'cutting' right now. Seems like there is not release even with meds and i can't get a grip so to speak. Upstairs and cutting now. Pointers for not 'cutting'? I hate the way it reads...


Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.


Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, August 4th (Tuesday)

((((((((((lost))))))))))))

I don't cut, but my niece who recently moved in with me does. We are trying our best to help her.

I can't pretend I understand it, but I do try.

I am sorry I didn't see this sooner, but I wanted to let you know someone out there cares and is thinking about you.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, August 4th (Tuesday)

Thinking about all of us who are dealing with depression.


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Wantmeback
New Member
Member # 21507
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, August 15th (Saturday)

I'm as low as i have ever been. Trying real hard to hang on.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: TN
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, August 15th (Saturday)

(((((((((((Wantmeback))))))))))

It's a hard road.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
eaglecelt
Member
Member # 9402
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, August 23rd (Sunday)

I've been depressed for about 9 years. It started on DDay 2000. Been divorced 4 years, and have been getting better slowly I think. I don't take meds. I mostly fake being happy when I have to. Whenever something good happens, it scares me. I'm unmotivated. I don't think I will ever have a gf or wife again, because the first one did too much damage. I have to fix myself first.


Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Posts: 367 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: California
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, August 23rd (Sunday)

Sorry you are in so much pain, eaglecelt. Have you ever considered anti-depressants. Taking medication is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of true courage that you want to begin your life and feel again.

When you are physically ill, sometimes you need medication. The same holds true for emotional illness, the medication won't change you or take the pain away or the battle scars away, but it will help you deal with everyday living much better.

I hope you find peace, many of us are struggling here.


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
flowermom
Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, August 23rd (Sunday)

I have been dealing with depression for years. If someone had my husband they'd be depressed too. Antidepressants help a lot. However, they aren't the sole solution. Counseling and change in thought helps dramatically, as does exercise and sleep. But when you are deep in the pit, the thought of exercise, sleeping well and taking care of yourself are huge roadblocks. You can only take things one day at a time, and do a bit more each day. We all need a big hug from someone who really cares.


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
Lemrac
Member
Member # 21184
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, August 26th (Wednesday)

I'm sad all the time.
All i want to do is cry.
I take pills and alcohol to sleep to forget.
I pretend to be happy for others (wearing a mask)
i have given up on everything. I dont have the drive to do much. I dont cook that much anymore. I do basic cooking. If i can call that cooking. That fire inside of me is slowing dying...
I just want to be alone all the time. I still go to work because I got bills to pay..
I dont think that if I'd be gone i would be missed.
I dont believe when ppl tell me im pretty, generous, a nice person..etc..
All i got so far is crap..i have been swimming in a cess pool for the longest time..I'm just tired..fed up. I wanna stop the pain..the heartache.


Me BW: 28 Yrs Old
Him WH: 44 Yrs Old
Together: 6 yrs
Married: In Sept 2007.
Affair: First time: July 2008..Then too many to count.
Signed Divorce Petition: July 9, 2009
Kids: None together THANK GOD!
*********************************
Carpe Diem

Posts: 80 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Quebec, Canada
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, August 27th (Thursday)

((((Lemrac))))) Keep posting, it helps.

Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 27th (Thursday)

Two days after finding out about A I took a bunch of pills and ended up getting my stomach pumped. I was very lucky and for several reasons that I can now see was given a second chance.

I think I suffered from a mild dose of post-partum after both of my children and just worked through it because if you admit you have depression you are crazy, and what kind of person needs a pill to feel better that is just stupid, at least that is what I thought.

I am currently on medication for depression and severe anxiety and it doesn't change who I am, like I thought it would, it helps you really sort through things and figure them out in a normal, civilized way. And the effects that depression and anxiety have on your body is devistating. I still have my bad days where all I want to do is lay in bed and have a big pitty party for me (sometimes I actually do), but never bad enough to where I would ever contimplate leaving my children or the people that love me behind for my own selfish reasons.

What I have learned and I hope I don't offend anyone, is that your depression does not stem from your partner doing whatever it is that they did. That is crazy behavior and talk, you cannot justify taking a bunch of pills or slitting your wrists or doing whatever it is, with the fact that your spouse had an A or that you had an A. Your actions should not stem from what somebody else does, they are not your controller and by giving them that control you are hurting yourself more than you can imagine.

Now with that said I believe situations, such as these we are all dealing with bring that depression to the surface in a very brutal way.

I am a long way from great and no expert, but I try to take one more step to the person that I want to be each day and I know that I am the only one that is in control of my body and mind not my WS not my parents, not the people I work with, it is up to me and I am trying everyday to own my shit and not get caught up in the poor me life is horrible bit.

If anyone needs to talk I am very open and available and welcome PM.

Hang in there it will get better.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
brokenheart09
Member
Member # 25338
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, August 31st (Monday)

lowest I've ever been...like all others - can't eat or sleep. Have newborn twins at home and just found out about 5 year LTA on Saturday 8/22. Still numb...


Me BS (33)
Him WH (35)
5 year LTA
DD:2/Twin sons: 8 months
DDay: 8/22/09 (his) & 9/8/09 (from her)
R: still deciding...

Posts: 78 | Registered: Aug 2009
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, August 31st (Monday)

brokenheart09 -

I would really suggest you getting into doctor, besides the fact you might be dealing with a little post partum this puts a whole new spin on things. I am so sorry you are here and going through this.

Keep posting there are a lot of very wonderful and knowledgeable people on here.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, August 31st (Monday)

brokenheart, I just sent you a PM.

Listen to the above poster and meet with your doctor.


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, September 6th (Sunday)

Bumping this thread because I am still struggling.

Have an appt. with my doctor in two weeks, have to change medication, the first four I had adverse reactions, the last one isnt doing a darn thing.

Hope everyone dealing with depression takes a leap to see their doctor for some help.


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)

annb -

I am glad you are going in to talk with your doctor. If something isn't working be firm and let you dr. know.

I personally am back on full dose I am able to take of anxiety meds and they are not doing much of anything anymore, so am going to be making an appt myself.

Have actually been trying to wean myself off anti-depressants but evertime i don't take them I cry and cry and cry, maybe right now isn't the best idea to stop taking medicine. Just wish I could function on my own.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)

Hi there,

I am also back on full dose of two different Ad's. It does seem to be helping, in addition to IC, but it is still hard at times. I'm dealing with Sab issues now in addition to the A stuff, so it's been really hard.

(((((((hugs)))))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)

itspjw -

Sorry still trying to figure out abbreviations, what does Sab mean?


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)

Sexual abuse


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry to hear that, if you need anyone to talk to PM me anytime!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)

Thank you.

I am working on this in IC, in addition to posting on the Sab thread here and posting on another board.

It's not easy to deal with, and the depression doesn't help.

Dealing with all three (Depression, Affair, Sab) all at once really sucks!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)

Yah that is a load nobody should have!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)

I agree.

However, that is what I have, and I have learned from experience, it is what it is, and I have to go from here and do what I can starting now.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, September 12th (Saturday)

I'm finally meeting with my doctor again on Monday. Last meds did not work at all.

I am so, so tired of feeling sad. I am also scared there's not a drug out there that can help me since I've struck out with five medications already. I don't think I can take much more.

I'm feeling desperate for some relief.

[This message edited by annb at 5:30 PM, September 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, September 14th (Monday)

Just met with my doctor. She doesn't want to try a different medication and is sending me back to a psychiatrist because now I have to try the third class of drugs.

I have to wait until the end of October for an appointment. I feel so desperate for relief.


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, September 14th (Monday)

annb -

Can you go to another doctor?


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, September 14th (Monday)

Something i have been thinking about a lot lately is, two days after i found out (which was the day of our 5 year wedding anniversary) I took a bunch of pills. Anyway, my H told me that, that was a real eye opener for him, because he was denying everything, EVERYTHING and he was caught making out with her in a parking lot. Whatever.

So this thing out of all the things I have done in my life I would take back in a heartbeat if I could do it over, is the one thing that finally opened his eyes. So if I wouldn't have tried to kill myself we wouldn't be married right now and he would be with OW?

Or lets say I succeeded, then they would still be together and nobody would ever know the truth, because nobody believed it until it finally came out of his mouth a month later!

How the hell do I get that horrible feeling and resentment out of my system?


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
tanyaread
Member
Member # 20635
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, September 21st (Monday)

I'm feeling awful today. Truly terrible. I've been sitting at my desk (at home) trying to work for 2 hours but all I do is stare at the screen. So counter-productive because if I don't work then I feel worse.

I just feel like I'm in a dark tunnel. I'm not on medications - I can't even get myself together for the doctor's.


Me (BS): 30
WH: 44
OW: 35
Married: 1 year
D/d: 4 July 2008
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2008
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, September 21st (Monday)

tanya,

you have to make an appointment with the doctor.

I have been waiting for almost 7 months to find the right medication, sometimes it takes time.

Please pick up the phone and make the call. You will feel so much better.

Positive thoughts coming your way, I can relate so well to not being able to focus and living with a shroud of darkness.

Please keep posting and get meds for yourself.


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
jtiger
Member
Member # 25163
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, September 25th (Friday)

My meds are making me very sleepy in the afternoon. I'll be meeting with my dr next week. Anyone else have this issue?


BS(me)-30
WS- 31
OW-23 (Best friend's sister in law)
Married-6 years
Together-14 years
EA/PA D-Day 8/9/09
R Day ?

Posts: 149 | Registered: Aug 2009
wolfen
New Member
Member # 25660
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, September 28th (Monday)

its been 4 weeks since ive found out about the A.im still highly depressed ive been thinking about suicide alot lately.i really feel like i have nothing to live for anymore....

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2009
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, September 28th (Monday)

PM me anytime wolfen - seriously. I'll do the best I can to help you...anytime!!

Posts: 1915 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
trescasse
New Member
Member # 25648
Helpless  Posted: 11:13 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)

I've dealt with depression and anxiety on and off for years. It became rally bad when I found out a year into our marriage that my XH hadn't filed taxes in 10 years, owed IRS $690,000.00, found out he owed his XW $26,000.00 in arrears. We discussed finances and bc I had been in business with my first husband I was very specific about debt and tax compliance. My 2nd XH outright lied to me about it before I married him. I was devistated when I learned of this betrayal. And he didn't seem to understand the gravity of what he had done by deceiving me.

I took the matter into my own hands and got an accountant to help mediate with the IRS and took care of the problem. Then later gave up my half of a very large tax return to offer his X a settlement.

I had just started to breathe after 8 years of helping him get his life straight. I was feeling confident and outgoing and contented then BAM! I started suspecting him of A, and soon after, it was confirmed.

We separated after almost 9 years of marriage. He tried to have it all and kept trying to keep me hanging on by coming back to me, and leaving again as soon as I would agree to put the divorce on administrative closing.

I lost 50lbs, was severely depressed and 3-1/2 years later I'm still depressed. During most of that 3 years I was on opiate meds for chronic pain, and I became physically dependent. This became a thorn in my side, so I quit the Opiate meds and have been through horrific protracted withdrawl. The accompanying depression and anxiety of that is what landed me in a psych ward. I have a history of being resistant to SSRI's and am allergic to the only SDRI/SNRI on the market.

But I just couldn't take this deep dark depression so
I started taking Celexa again a few days ago. Now I feel worse. I am still depressed and have a headache and muscle spasm's along with the depression.

I often wish I could just die in my sleep. I am overwhelmed with financial problems due to XH's failure to honor divorce agreement and medical bills. I vascilate between anger and profound sadness and hopelessness.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: USA
trescasse
New Member
Member # 25648
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)

We discussed finances and bc I had been in business with my first husband I was very specific about debt and tax compliance.

What I meant to say is that during courtship we discussed finances. Since I had already experienced tax problems from being in business with my 1st H, I wanted to make sure that I wasn't getting into another marriage with more of the same. My 2nd XH was self employeed too.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: USA
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, September 30th (Wednesday)

Hi, trescasse,

Just wanted to let you know you are being heard.

Depression is so debilitating. I also am having a difficult time finding a med that doesn't have major side effects for me.

Keep posting here, it helps a bit.

I am so sorry you are going through this emotional and physical pain.


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
trescasse
New Member
Member # 25648
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, September 30th (Wednesday)

Thx Ann...it helps to be "heard".

Posts: 33 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: USA
clralb
Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, September 30th (Wednesday)

My meds are making me very sleepy in the afternoon

Take them in the evening, about an hour before you are going to sleep. I had the same problem, so now I take them at night and do not have a problem anymore.


BS Divorced.

They were right about you.


Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, October 7th (Wednesday)

Just got my meds changed and feel worse than I did before. I know I should talk to my doc, but also know it takes time. I am sad a lot more before and after medication changed and have a very hard time getting out of bed, feel like I am back at square one.

Any advice.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, October 7th (Wednesday)

Call your doctor.

I've been on five medications and nada, either did not work or bad side effects.

If side effects last more than a couple of days, call your md immediately.

Hugs.........


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
cass
Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, October 7th (Wednesday)

ann's right - don't delay. Call him. Sometimes it takes a few changes before you get the right one. He/she will be able to advise. Make the call for peace of mind.


DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!


Posts: 4954 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, October 7th (Wednesday)

Just called my doc she is off course on vacation this week, so they are going to see if another doc can call me back, might be today might not. Just not sure if I should keep taking this meds until I talk to a doc or stop taking it. I am very wired today, I can't seem to stop shaking.

Frustrated


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, October 7th (Wednesday)

One of the side effects of some of these meds is shaking/shivering. If the meds are making you that ill, I'd stop them. My doctor told me to take them a bit longer because the side effects would go away, and I just got worse and worse. I should have listened to my own body.

Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, October 8th (Thursday)

Feel worse today, can't stop crying and not feeling very good. I seriously just want to craw up in a corner and be left alone and just cry until I pass out!

How am I going to get through this day! Why am I so weak!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
cass
Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, October 8th (Thursday)

mommy

Did you get to speak to another doc? You will get through it. Just hang on in there.


DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!


Posts: 4954 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, October 8th (Thursday)

Hi, mommy, we have all been there. You have two small children and need to do your best to remain strong and calm for them.

If you want to cry, go into your car and let it all out, you will feel a bit better.

I hope you were able to speak with another physician. Sometimes the meds can have the opposite effect.

Hugs, keep posting, we are listening.


Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
riseagain
Member
Member # 17019
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, October 8th (Thursday)

I am bi-polar and have been the majority of my life, but wasn't diagnosed as such until I was in my 20's.

I have been on numerous medications and had many stays in psychiatric units. I've found at certain times medication helps me, but most of all it's a matter of being in tune with my body. For instance, I know from now until Spring will be the worst for me. I accept it for what it is and know it'll pass.

I have been off medication for about 15 months now, but am struggling more than usual so I know it's time to get back on a maintainance dose of something. It also helps to talk to others who can relate to what you're going through. Perhaps join a support group.

Please keep in mind mommy that this too shall pass.

((((mommy))))


Me: FWS 39
Her: XW 29

If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always gotten.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Ohio
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 8th (Thursday)

One of the other docs I called is scheduling 2 weeks out. My doctors office (who are a bunch of idiots in my opinion) is out to lunch so need to call back in about hour in a half.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
Stop
Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, October 8th (Thursday)

Mommy,

It is my layman's understanding that the meds that affect brain chemistry are pretty much a shot in the dark. Many work well for some but are a disaster for others. My WW was taking a very expensive one that almost took her out.

Some of them require a step down approach to discontinuing.

My humble recomendation is to stay around people who care about you as much of the time as you can until you can talk to your Doctor.

Best wishes.

[This message edited by Stop at 2:29 PM, October 8th (Thursday)]


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, October 8th (Thursday)

Can't get out of work guess I will try again tomorrow or will go to hospital when I get off work.

Thanx all


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, October 8th (Thursday)

Headed to doc at 3:30


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, October 8th (Thursday)

Please let us know how you made out.

Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
riseagain
Member
Member # 17019
Question  Posted: 9:26 AM, October 9th (Friday)

How did it go?


Me: FWS 39
Her: XW 29

If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always gotten.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Ohio
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 9th (Friday)

Doc was pretty dumb. He was just going to address my sleeping and then it was my anxiety and finaly after stressing a good three times about my depression and how I was feeling he prescribed me an anti-psychotic to help me get by until my new doses of medication that I was prescribed Friday kick in.

Am very groggy and upset stomach this morning but I will keep taking it and see how it goes.

Thank you all for everything.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, October 12th (Monday)

mommy, are you feeling any better?

Posts: 7273 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Cliche
Member
Member # 18659
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, December 10th (Thursday)

Just posting to see how everyone is doing. Winter and the holiday season can be tough on some people.


BS - me 55
WS - H 56
DDay 3/28/07 I was 53, H 55)
3 kids 23.21.18
married 31 years
together 30
reconciling....


Posts: 580 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: California
hiswifefor20
New Member
Member # 26652
Helpless  Posted: 1:16 PM, December 18th (Friday)

Hi all, I've posted a couple times in other forums, but today this is where I should be -

I have suffered with varying degrees of depression forever I think. In 2000 my brother, my mom and my XFIL all passed away - I had a major bout of depression, suicidal thoughts and was diagnosed bipolar. I'm not sure if that is the right diagnosis - but.. I am in the deep dark hole of depression again. and it is scary here.

I found out just before Thanksgiving H was visiting escorts, and down I go. I am getting an appointment with IC for now, H has agreed to MC but, I can't even see in this hole. I was on tons of meds when I had my "big one" and ended up in the nut house for several weeks.. horrifying to even write that now. but, to everyone - the up side is:

This too shall pass, with IC and meds, things do get bearable and then good and then normal again. Good luck and huggs to everyone on this forum - I feel your pain!


Posts: 3 | Registered: Dec 2009
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, March 24th (Wednesday)

I think it's very sad that this thread has not been posted on recently....I wonder how everyone is doing....

As for me, I'm trying to hold my own, and actually doing okay, considering, but it is still a struggle every day.

I hope to hear from the rest of you soon...


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Lonerider
Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 24th (Wednesday)

I've been dealing with a $2200 bill for my DW's antidepressants, at least we should meet our deductible.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, March 24th (Wednesday)

Well I will post here too!
Why? Because I was just diagnosed as major depression disorder with some anxiety. Ya Think?
The crying spells were horrid. I would just cry and cry. Yes that dark hole is terrible terrible place... I never never want to be there again!!!!! No matter what I don't want to be there ever....
I don't think I have functioned appropriately for over 4 years myself. I think my WS was purposely trying to drive me nuts!
But upside is I am in counseling YaY!! I have drugs Yay!! And I quit crying all the time... Still cry still hurt... But ya know what I truly feel indifferent about this whole damn situation... I just want a new and better stage of my life!!!
Sooo thanks to my WS for fn up my life and now I am on drugs because he got himself some on the side!! YaY!!!
Isn't life full of crap!!!
But guess what I will survive!!!
Soooo hows everyone else today???


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3141 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, March 25th (Thursday)

On Celexa and Xanax here for about 2 years. I have been really struggling with fatigue lately. I can't tell if it's depression or adrenal fatigue after dealing with stress for too long.


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, March 29th (Monday)

Well I am very pleased with the paxil results so far. Only been taking it for a week and 2 days. I have not had any bad side effects at all. Just a little tired. Other then that I am not dwelling on the negative all day. Actually able to function and trying to get a little organized even. Nice little pill it is...


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3141 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, March 30th (Tuesday)

Hi everyone here...IC seems to feel I'm "depressed" when I start feeling anxious or upset when the sun sets. Or, at least, this is caused by depression.

Has anyone experienced this?

I always used to look forward to the cozy short dark days of Fall & Winter-- but now I don't.
Thanks.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
2xbit
Member
Member # 26783
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, April 9th (Friday)

I think it's perfectly normal to feel depressed when dealing with this. I do believe in professional counseling and meds. My IC suggested that I find two things I've always wanted to do, then DO THEM ! I came up with one. It has given me more joy than I could have imagined. That led me to joining an exercise group, nothing too strenuous lol. The companionship, getting out, and pure distraction all combined to helping me feel better, a lot better.

I don't want to make it sound like I don't cry anymore, or have times when I don't know why or how to get through this forest of towering trees, but it gives me respite. I highly recommend you try to do something pleasurable purely for YOU. Take care of YOU ! You deserve it. Oddly enough, it would never have occurred to me to do this on my own, it was IC's idea. So I am passing it on to you...

Do something you've always wanted to do or learn... you'll be surprised. Good luck to you, and to me


Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: NY
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, April 10th (Saturday)

Just checking in...hope everyone is doing well...I haven't been on SI much lately, but I wanted to drop in and see how everyone is doing, and to say, once you get the right med, or combo of meds, it makes a huge difference. I am actually feeling normal again!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
lostsuol
Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, April 10th (Saturday)

glad to read a positive post from you, Its. I've wondered about not seeing you on SI.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, April 23rd (Friday)

Thanks. I haven't been on much lately. I've been taking time to focus on me, my family, and my marriage. Things are still hard sometimes but I am stonger and am able to handle them better.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
phatchance12
Member
Member # 28280
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 24th (Saturday)

I went to my doctor the other day and was too embarrassed to even tell her what I was going through. Cried all the way home for 100 miles for being so stupid in not telling her.


Me: Faithful Wife.
Him: Who gives a shit, really.
Caught him on Feb 22nd, 2010.
Who the fuck does he think he is changing my life forever without asking me?


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Hell
thisismylife?
New Member
Member # 28372
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, April 26th (Monday)

((Phatchance12))

There is a lot of shame and a sense of failure in all of this. Shouldn't be as we did nothing wrong, but those are some of the emotions to work through. I hope you can get another appointment sooner than later and over time, it will be easier to talk about it. I had a really hard time...took months before I could discuss it with anyone. I am now almost a year out...it just all takes a lot of time. Did I mention time?


1st DD: 4/30/09
2nd DD: 10/5/09
In house Separation
Together 17 years, two sons

Posts: 4 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Washington State
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, April 26th (Monday)

I'm still in the fight/flight mode. Actually, I want to run away from it all. I know that you take your baggage with you.

I feel like most of the time I'm pretending. That I'm just trying to get through another weekend. I hate weekends.

I feel like I have wasted 38 years of my life. Put all my eggs in one basket and the bottome fell out.

Nothing makes me happy any more. I went to an Eagles concert and found that I could not even consentrate on the music. I can not focus on much of anything.

I go to church but can't even remember what the sermon was about. I have pretty much given up on praying.

I feel too tired all the time and just want to spend the day in bed.

I have tried drugs and they do not work for me. Can't tollerate them.

I feel sad and lonley all the time. There is no joy to my life.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, May 1st (Saturday)

I just can't seem to get a real grip on it. I do really well, and feel really good for a few days, then it is like the bottom falls out from under me...

grr...hate this.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, May 21st (Friday)

It is closing in on me again.

I don't want to go back to that place.

I am fighting so hard against it.

I don't think I can fight hard enough.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
twicedestroyed
Member
Member # 28197
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, May 21st (Friday)

I've suffered with depression all my life. Been on several different drugs, most recently Zoloft (safest for pregnancy and nursing...been on it since after the birth of my 5 year old) It has helped (a lot) but even though the dose has been increased, it's really not helping enough anymore. My first IC told me I wasn't "depressed" because I was still able to get up and function. I had 2 small children and a teenager at the time! I can't even stay in bed if I had the flu, c'mon!
My current IC doesn't even talk about depression. She actually told me I'm doing well...doing better each time I come in...HA, I don't feel that way. I feel as confused and depressed as I did right after DDay. I'm thinking of finding a new one.
Yeah, I've thought about suicide more times than I care to admit...I still do, but when it comes down to it, I couldn't do it to my kids.


Me-BS 35
Him-(F)WS 38
DDay 5/09 with TT all month after 7 years of marriage
3 month EA/PA with MOW (co-worker) while I was pregnant and during/after her birth/death
Living children, 4...currently 17 (mine/his step daughter), 8, 6, 3 (product of HB)

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: East Coast
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, May 21st (Friday)

I have to admit, the only reason I never really considered suicide is because of the kids.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
wiswounded
Member
Member # 23928
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, May 21st (Friday)

It really is hard not to go through something like this without "depression". The key is knowing that it is "situational depression". It is not a flaw in who you are, it is a flaw in what you perceived your life to be. Your recovery will be different from someone who suffers from "clinical depression" as a result of brain chemistry. It will be somewhat different than PTSD (but not much).

Different drugs work for different people and for varying time periods. We are all unique.

Before you all think "what the hell is she talking about"...

I did attempt suicide two days after D-day and ended up in a 72 hour hold for my personal safety in a mental health facility. I have had IC twice in my lifetime for "situational depression" with medication prescribed on both occasions. The other "situation" was something equally, if not more agregeous as infidelity.

To quote my DD22..."you are the strongest woman I know and I also know you'll get through this...you always do. Don't ever try to end your life again because you are my role model."

Powerful medicine...so use it.

wis


XBW - Me
XWH - Creep I used to be married to
Divorce 7-13-09 (State of WI fastest)
"You cannot stop the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you CAN stop them from building nests in your hair"

Posts: 822 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Wisconsin
GreenT
Member
Member # 27996
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 17th (Thursday)

Hi friends,

I was wondering if anyone can recommend any natural or herbal remedies for helping depression? I've done some searching on the internet, and have seen various things, like SAM-E, St. John's Wort, Magnesium, etc.

Has anyone had any positive experiences taking these natural supplements or any others for depression? For various reasons, I really don't want to go down the road of drug prescriptions.

TIA


Absence is to love what wind is to fire: when it is a small fire the wind kills it, but when it's a real fire the wind intensifies it. - DVF

Posts: 205 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: partially here but almost there
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, August 8th (Sunday)

depression sucks...

I'm tired of dealing with it.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
stonewall_wife
Member
Member # 20932
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, August 10th (Tuesday)

(((its)))

Me too.

I'm on meds and they're taking the "edge" off but still the fight is SO damn hard!!!!

I'm exhausted.

But we have to keep fighting.

We have too.

We will.

No matter how tired we get.

Keep fighting.


SW

I know that I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too- Kelly Clarkson


Posts: 488 | Registered: Sep 2008
stretch13
Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, August 15th (Sunday)

i'm chiming in for the first time. i've never noticed this thread before.

i understand the "taking the edge off" thing with the depression and anxiety. nothing i do helps more than to keep me just barely functional. i have chronic mild depression with situational major depression. my "go-to" thought when i'm not on Anti-d's at all (like when i was pregnant or breastfeeding) is "f-it, i just want to die" or "i should just off myself." i'll think those things in response to forgetting my coffee cup for my morning drive, or because i forgot and left a load of clothes too long in the washer. lol. my psychiatrist and i laugh about that. when i get on anti-d's the suicidal stuff goes completely away. it feels like such an artificial thought pattern...instead of the "normal" way i feel on meds. i was also a bit of a "cutter" or self-injurer when i was young. i was SO surprised to feel that impulse come back. so far i haven't hurt myself. the meds definitely help with that also.

i didn't mean to write this much. i've just been struggling lately. Dday was, well...you know...but that was 8 months ago. paternity results on OC just came in one month ago and i've been a mess. sigh. people think i'm handling this so well. they should see inside my head...or into my living room somedays.

hugs to everyone who needs them. me and FWH did our MSA questionnaire last night to give to the lawyer. it was sad but amicable, like our S has been. i feel like the plain of depression before me is a long, sad, boring journey. but i'll get there. i always do.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 8:38 AM, August 15th (Sunday)]


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
Yumskers
Member
Member # 28095
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, August 18th (Wednesday)

I need to go to therapy.At this time I am hoping that either myself or my Husband gets killed. I have already been on anti-depressants for 3 years and I went to marriage counseling and felt better but also more angry. I need to go to individual counseling! I don't know what to do. I just get so angry a lot of times, how do I learn to feel better?


Me(BS)-27
H- 32
Married- over 6 years
A started- Superbowl sunday 2010
Forced Confession March 8th 2010
Reconciliation always in progress

Posts: 103 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Montana
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, August 18th (Wednesday)

stonewall_wife....

Thanks. I am still fighting. Not for my marriage--just for my sanity.

I recently had a bad drug interaction that resulted in me being taken off of one of my ad's. Dr. said if I started feeling too bad, he would put me back on it, at a lower dose...

Guess what?

I am going to see him Monday.

Depression is a battle. One that I will have to fight the rest of my life.

Sucks, huh?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, September 3rd (Friday)

Hello, everyone. It's been a while since I've posted to this thread, and I wanted to bump it up a little for folks that might not have seen it before. Infidelity is such a debilitating thing to happen to a person that I think it wouldn't be shocking if the majority developed depression after all of the stress and heartache that happens..

As for me, I am still fighting the illness, but I am slowly getting better every day. I am now in psychotherapy with a wonderful doctor (that does Sunday appointments, yet, incredibly convenient for me!!) that encourages me to release all of the anger that I hold, not only toward my XH and all of his doings, but issues that I have had with my FOO as well, things that have completely surprised me and taken me off guard. I had no idea that my upbringing was so dysfunctional!

I am not completely off of the AD's yet, but my dosage has been drastically cut from 3 meds at once to only one pill, once a day. My PT hopes to have me completely weaned off the pills by Christmastime - that would be a wonderful, wonderful present for me, as there is nothing I'd like better than to be med-free.

While I'm still not free of depression, and I still have suicidal ideations from time to time, things are better to the point where I actually have HOPE - the first time since the original (first occurrence) infidelity happened in 2001.

I hope that everyone is safe tonight. I know that things look bleak when you have "the black dog", as Churchill used to call it. But it can be managed, controlled...maybe even conquered. I'm so hoping for the third option.

((((hugs to everyone)))) Hang in there... we can make it through this!


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
FindingNolia
Member
Member # 28518
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)

Does anyone have experience with children with severe depression?

My WH is on meds after finally seeing a psychiatrist when suicidal thoughts starting forming into plans for action. He's struggled with depression since he was a child but never talked to anyone (including me) or dealt with it.

I see many of the same behaviors in our DS12 and I know he's struggled with periodic depression based on various events, but I'm wondering if it's more than that and he doesn't know how to express it to me. DS admitted tonight that he does think about killing himself, but thoughts of family, friends, and dog keep him from pursuing it. I'm going to take him in for an eval with a psych, but this is a whole new level of scared and lost for me.

If anyone has recommendations for books I can read, resources I can turn to, please help me out.


married 18 years
separated 7/2010
divorced 11/2011

Posts: 199 | Registered: May 2010
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)

I have not dealt with it in my children, but I would, from my own experience, encourage you to get him in as soon as you can.

It truly is a chemical imbalance that can be treated with the right meds in addition to counseling. It is something that has to be monitored by those around, but can definitely be treated with the right meds.

Sending up some prayers for y'all....


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ScribblingMum
Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, September 9th (Thursday)

Hi All. Sadly, I can relate to MANY of you. My WH has major back tax issues/. I know someone else in this thread mentioned this...), also...we can't even get through the bankruptcy until we can pay/do the taxes. He has his own contract. business but never kept things straight & it's VERY $$$$ to PAY the tax lady! Now, w/ little work we are in a horrendous $ situation. Not much Hope.

I am a SAHM/home school special needs kid...wish to God I could support myself. Sigh.
ANYWAY, I am on Celexa ( been for a while)...makes me kinda nauseous & other side effects were throat-closey feeling in begin. /night sweats). I actually don't have enough appetite ...think the Celexa has made this worse..(underweight)...severe situational stress...

and recently have begun to have major anxiety/dread even ON the Celexa! I have an old RX for Xanax for sleep but it makes me too tired to take it in the day for anxiety. I've also been waking up 3, 4, 5 a.m. so I took the Ambien I have for occasional use last few nights. Awful. I can't shut my thoughts off. My life has NEVER been this horrible/no hope/ financially wrecked.

If the anxiety/appetite suppression/nausea doesn't get better soon, I might try & ask doc. to switch me back to Zoloft from sev. years ago. Maybe it will help me GAIN weight! I need it.

ANYONE have more exper. w/ Celexa's side effects? Nausea espec.?

Does Xanax WORK for some of you with anxiety?
Sorry for the ramble...am really down. I think this is normal when one's 24 year marriage & life gets destroyed (sex addiction)...: Too much loss...



~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
notasaint
Member
Member # 28465
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, September 9th (Thursday)

Didn't know this thread existed, glad it does though!!

I was on Lexapro and xanax both taken at night. This made me so exhausted all the time. I thought the side effects would go away but still I was just so tired, it was annoying.

I went back to the dr and got Wellbutrin taken in the morning and stayed on lexapro and xanax at night. It started working better that's fore sure but I had a feeling the lexapro was not what I neeed.

I cut my lexapro in half and had already been doing 1/2 xanax for a couple of weeks. So far it's been a week and I can say I'm nowhere near as tired anymore. I don't egt hysterical but I do have down days, talking w/ FWH is helping with that. I really want to get off meds all together but the Wellbutrin I think is going to be the one I stay on for a few months.


Me - BW 36
Him - FWH 38 SLA (newlywednupset)
M < 1 year
D-days 8/2009 and 4/2010 TT to 10/2010
3 OW over the course of 2 years, all older, one married.
* My husband was in an open relationship from day one, he just failed to tell ME this.*

Posts: 1048 | Registered: May 2010 | From: FL
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, September 10th (Friday)

scribblingmum,

xanax works for some for anxiety....it works for my niece...

For me, xanax doesn't work, but ativan does, without the sleepiness.

If the celexa is not working for you, please do see your dr. If the zoloft worked for you in the past, it may be what you need now. I have learned from experience, if whatever I am taking isn't working for me, I take myself in to the dr. and ask for something else. Not everything works the same for everyone.

Sending good thoughts your way,..


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ScribblingMum
Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, September 11th (Saturday)

Someone here mentioned dealing w/ pain meds. confusing the depression...??? I was in a car accident in 06...and am wondering about this issue.
Anyone dealt w/ this?


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
JustWantHimBack
Member
Member # 29485
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, September 16th (Thursday)

Hey, I'm hoping I could get some advice. It's about my BF, hes had depression all his life, and now its gotten worse after what I've done to him. He taken over the counter sleep aid/pain relief almost everyday since April so he can go to sleep. Hes a pretty big guy and has taken them in the past so he takes way more than the recommend dose so they actually affect him.

I've been trying to get him to stop and he has a couple of times, but the past week and a half he's gone back to feeling like he doesn't want to be alive any more. He's not directly suicidal, just kinda hopes that eventually the pills will kill him even though I've told him that it will take a long time for that to happen, even if it ever does..

Anyway, I've tried getting his family involved, hasn't really helped. I've tried convincing him he should go to IC or something, but he's had bad experiences with them as a teen and wont even consider going to one.

He's stopped taking them some days when things are going good between us and I ask him not to. Some days, it doesn't matter if I ask, he takes them anyway.

We're in limbo right now, he's not sure whether he wants to be with me or not. Not quite sure what I'm asking advice on, just figured this was a better place to talk about this kind of stuff. I guess, does anyone think I'm going about this the right way? I can't physically stop him from taking them, I've thrown bottles out in the past and he just keeps buying more and hiding them. I'm hoping that if things keep going good between us and he's going out and socializing he'll stop taking them on his own.

I know I can't force him to stop if he doesn't want to, so is it reasonable approach I'm taking?

He's not having any side effects or anything, he just sometimes didn't remember if we had been intimate the night before if he had taken the pills so we've both agreed not to do anything for a while until things are settled down. Him not always remembering made him feel like crap and he didn't want to lead me on when he's still not sure what he wants.

If anything is unclear, just let me know, I'm not the greatest at explaining situations sometimes and I apologize in advance if I have made things unclear.


Me(WGF/BGF)- 24, Him(XBBF/XWBF) -26
D-Day#1 - April 7, 2010. Full Disclosure - May 27, 2010. My D-day - October 10, 2010
He had a EA/PA August-whenever.
He's now moved on to someone new. Still giving me mixed signals. Sigh.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New York
elad
Member
Member # 29497
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, September 16th (Thursday)

Hi all,

Sorry, I just couldn't get through all 24 pages.....

Does anyone have any experience/comments about Citalopram Hydobromide?

I googled it and I have the gist of it, but is there anything you can tell me about it? Personal experiences??????


Me-BS
Her-WS numerous, countless A's
7 Years
7 year itch?

Posts: 173 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Winnipeg
Cliche
Member
Member # 18659
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, September 17th (Friday)

I've been on it for several years now. I started at 20 mg, went up to 30 for awhile, back to 20 and now I take 10 mg every night. I think I've had some general anxiety and off and on depression most of my life. Citalopram made a HUGE difference in my recovery after Dday. Do you have any specific questions you would like me to answer?


BS - me 55
WS - H 56
DDay 3/28/07 I was 53, H 55)
3 kids 23.21.18
married 31 years
together 30
reconciling....


Posts: 580 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: California
elad
Member
Member # 29497
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, September 17th (Friday)

Thanks for the reply! There is no question in particular... I just had questions about it effectiveness, or if anyone had anything good or bad to say about it.


Me-BS
Her-WS numerous, countless A's
7 Years
7 year itch?

Posts: 173 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Winnipeg
going2surviveit
Member
Member # 5716
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, September 21st (Tuesday)

I posted this in another area but I just stumbled on this area.
I went back to work in September and I was feeling very stressed. I was having problems sleeping and got momentary panic attacks at work and at home.
My doctor gave me Pristiq and told me to come back to the office in two weeks. Well, that was a week ago and I still haven't taken the medication. I went on the Internet and read some stories about the side effects. I wasn't happy to read what I read.
Anyone have any experience with this drug? I have to say that since last week, I have been functioning better. Now, I am not sure if I should go on this or stick with Melatonia that I have been taking. I discovered that at a organic food store and it's been helping. Sometimes, I have a take half a Xanax along with it when it's not. Any thoughts? thanks!


D-Day 11/22/04 (JFK got shot in the head and I got shot in the heart)
Me-BS
Her-WS (and a BIG FAT LIAR)
Children- 2 kids in the single digits
Finally divorced in 2006

Posts: 1095 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: New York
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, September 29th (Wednesday)

JustWantHimBack: Welcome to the forum...

Let your BF know that it's dangerous to keep taking those "Tylenol PM" style drugs for too long. They're not addictive, but at the same time, they can cause severe damage to the liver, up to and including liver failure, which is NOT the way he wants to go out, trust me on this. The danger is increased if he regularly drinks alcohol or beverages containing alcohol.

Resorting to hiding the pills from you in order to sleep, there's a big problem that I think needs to be addressed, as well as not being able to remember events of the previous night. Huge, huge, huge worry, in my opinion. If he's having that much problem in getting to sleep, he should see a doctor for something that will work better, such as Lunesta or Ambien. Continuing on the path that he's on now wlll only cause potential problems for him later down the road.

You can also tell him that OD'ing on Tylenol PM-type drugs will not kill him. Trust me - unfortunately I have experience. It won't do a thing.

going2: I've never tried Pristiq, but a couple of people that I know say it works well for them. The problem with any AD is that it's going to work differently for everyone - this is truly a case-by-case thing, unfortunately. What works for me may not work for the rest of the forum, and vice versa.

Melatonin is nice for getting to sleep, but it causes me to have really weird, vivid, whacked-out dreams. It bothered me enough so that I quit taking it after a while. Wish I could go back on it, because it did knock me out cold when I wanted to rest.

Now down to one Wellbutrin a day. So happy!


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, October 7th (Thursday)

I don't know what it is but when it gets dark @ dusk...I get really gloomy.
I wake up fine, but as the day goes on
I used to love the short days before and get depressed in the heat of summer.
My whole world is upside down since multiple D Days.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, December 19th (Sunday)

This thread seems to have kind of died...is anyone still out there?

I am REALLY struggling with the depression right now. Suicidal thoughts, and for the first time, thoughts of cutting.

I just had a med change, and am in weekly IC (I go tomorrow). Just trying to hang in...


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, December 25th (Saturday)

Depression...and infidelity...are trying to ruin my Christmas.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
DespicableMe
New Member
Member # 30491
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, December 25th (Saturday)

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Try to enjoy this blessed day surrounded by family and friends who support and love you.


Me: 44
WH: 45
Married 14 years
14 year old son w/Autism
D-Days: They have never really stopped long enough for me to heal. He blames all affairs on my lack of libido. (Which, of course, I blame on his multiple affairs).

I am working on my 180.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: PA
phoenix_vs
Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, December 28th (Tuesday)

Just found this thread: i struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder, and with the extra anger from this summer's phone escapade and who knows what else, I became depressed early in the fall, and now I'm really having a much harder time than usual. I do take a small dose of AD, and I'm trying to muscle through it. It feels like running in mud. Let's all keep trying to cope, spring is coming. After January is over, that is. Anyone have any activities that occupy them during the winter days that helps?


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, January 1st (Saturday)

Just needing to vent a bit here:

Sometimes I wonder if being truely happy is at all possible. I look around me, I am with a loving man now, have 3 beautiful daughters and one grandson (19 mos old). We are moved into our new home, and have enough money for mortgage, food, and to save a little. He tells me, and shows me constantly that he loves me.

But I can't sleep at night without the assistance of something, and am constantly worried about one daughter who has many classic s/sx of depression. I worry that I did something as a mother to have caused her depression. I dwell on my failures... as a wife (I must have been horrible & how on earth did I get that way?), as a mother (after all, if I was a good mother my daughter would be completely well-adjusted and wouldn't have the low self-esteem issues that are plaguing her in her 20's), as a friend (I find that although I love my friends, I tend to keep them all at arm's length- God forbid anyone get too close!).

I feel like a failure who is constantly wearing a mask to fool everyone around into thinking I'm confident and not needing anyone or anything.... Hmmm... fear of being dumped again?

Who knows... Who cares... Why do I still cry?


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, January 1st (Saturday)

(((Rella)))

I feel like a failure who is constantly wearing a mask to fool everyone around into thinking I'm confident and not needing anyone or anything.... Hmmm... fear of being dumped again?

Actually, your feelings are common and many people feel this way. You are definitely not alone.

Worry is just another form of stress. It is not necessarily a sign of depression. You can overcome these feelings, but it takes work. Your mind is programmed to behave a certain way based on various factors. I call these scripts.

Your scripts are coping mechanisms that were learned when you were young. They are based on the same model you learned from your parents. They are what drive your thoughts and actions when you are stressed. You can't change the script (it's who you are), but you can change how you respond and how things effect you.

Here are some books that have helped me overcome my stress:

The 14 Day Stress Cure: A New Approach for Dealing With Stress That Can Change Your Life by Morton C. Orman

The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche

What Happy People Know: How the New Science of Happiness Can Change Your Life for the Better by Dan Baker

Who knows... Who cares... Why do I still cry?

There are plenty of people that care. However, you should know the solution to your feelings are within you right now. You're not going to believe me, but you have the power to turn this around. At first, I didn't believe it either. I felt very much the way you did. Now I realize that I always did have the power to change my fears. Everyone does.

If you have been depressed for two weeks or more, please seek the help of an IC or medical doctor.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5617 | Registered: Aug 2007
Taurusinpain
Member
Member # 30284
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, January 1st (Saturday)

Just wanted to say thank you to Hardenmyheart for the book suggestions. I didn't even know I was looking for such books but I realize deep down I am not happy about most things. It's time to change that.


BW - 38
FWH - 41, SA since around 2005
Dday 4/9/10
Months and months of TT torture.
DD born 3/1/13
In R? Feels like going witht the flow.
Trying to get used to the new "normal"

Posts: 396 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: The worst place I can be - inside my own brain
SusanR
Member
Member # 29368
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, January 1st (Saturday)

I've had bouts of depression my whole adult life and have been taking Prozac to combat it.

My maintenance dose is 20mg daily but my doc bumped me up to 60mg after DD. I think that and SI helped me not lose my mind.

Part of me thinks it is bad to rely on a drug but another part of me says, if there is something that can help you, why not? I haven't had any side effects other than I was a little "shaky" at first on the larger dose. Shaky was better than walking zombie.


Posts: 1922 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
hurtbuthopeful12
Member
Member # 31279
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, March 8th (Tuesday)

I am depressed. I resisted going on meds for over 3 months and I just couldn't take it anymore. I've been taking prozac for 12 days now and I hope this helps me!


M 7 yrs- 2 little kids
He walked out 10/2010
DDAY #1 Phone bill, found OW #2-2 mo EA turned PA after he left.
11/2010- he asks to come back. 12/2010-He moves back in.
TT from 11/10-1/11
DDAY #2- 2/2011 MOW #1- EA- 1 yr

Posts: 305 | Registered: Feb 2011
hurtbuthopeful12
Member
Member # 31279
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, March 8th (Tuesday)

I don't think I was depressed before all this happened, I was fine. I wonder how long the meds will take to kick in, and how I'll feel when it does.


M 7 yrs- 2 little kids
He walked out 10/2010
DDAY #1 Phone bill, found OW #2-2 mo EA turned PA after he left.
11/2010- he asks to come back. 12/2010-He moves back in.
TT from 11/10-1/11
DDAY #2- 2/2011 MOW #1- EA- 1 yr

Posts: 305 | Registered: Feb 2011
wordsfail
Member
Member # 30289
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, March 13th (Sunday)

hurt- most AD's can take approx. 5 weeks to reach an "effective" level in your bloodstream. However, there's something to be said for the placebo effect; many people report feeling better long before that dsimply because they know the drug is supposed to help them do that. Everyone is different, though so YMMV (your mileage may vary). Hang in there. Take them as prescribed. Drink water, get exercise and decent sleep and hopefully they'll kick in and you'll start to feel their benefit.

[This message edited by wordsfail at 9:14 PM, March 13th (Sunday)]


SHE/ME: 40's
WSO: 40's
OW: x-BF, 30's
Met 11/06. Moved in 1/08. Engaged 8/09. EA 11/09. PA began ??. My Mom died 12/09. DD 2/8/10. WSO is with x-BF now. My Dad died 12/10.

Posts: 192 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: wish I knew
sadtobehere
Member
Member # 30234
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, May 23rd (Monday)

I am from an acholic dad and a depressed mom. I like the wine but taking steps to get away from that. I have never been depressed and I am totally depressed now. I think of ending my life every day but I will never do it because I'm too scared or too brave ... don't know which. I thank God for SI.

Posts: 379 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: New York
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, September 1st (Thursday)

Yet another thread that relates to me, when will it end?

Had post-natal depression back in 1998 when my daughter was born. This I believe was also a delayed/repressed grief over the loss of my twins who were still-born in 1991. Was on ADs for a while, had counselling but it wasn't right for me, I fell through the cracks and just "coped" for many years not realising that what I was feeling wasn't normal (I was so used to feeling that way). Came right for a while until about 5/6 years ago when I discovered flirtacious emails between my STBXH and various women. It just triggered something off again and down I went. Went back on ADs for about 2 years then weaned myself off them. Felt pretty much OK since then until of course last Nov 2010 when I discovered all the affairs. I went straight to the Docs and got myself back on the meds because I knew I would be sliding downhill fast. Best thing I could have done. I honestly believe they are the reason that I have been able to achieve what I have over the past few months and why Sir Shagalot is not in a wheelchair. Tried to lower the dose a few weeks ago thinking I was doing a lot better - big mistake! Soon realised that I need to keep going with this as there is still so much more to go through. One day I hope to remove myself from taking meds but I won't hurry, I will just let life events dictate what I need to do.

It is a pity some people still frown upon ADs because they really are a life saver at times.

If anyone feels so depressed that they are thinking of harming themselves PLEASE, PLEASE ring Lifeline or the support organisation in your area, then ring a trusted friend immediately.

Things WILL get better.


Love Ellejay xxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
brokenandfedup
Member
Member # 33186
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, September 5th (Monday)

Yet another thread that I belong to!

I have fought depression on and off for a few years after the post partum depression after my 2nd daughter...

I managed it well for the longest time until my WH's ONS last year, and events in the 3 years leading up to the ONS (which I think there were at least 2 PA's he will never admit to!)

I started AD's after his admission of the ONS (he thought he had STD's) and stopped 3 months later...

Lately though, I feel like I am going Crazy at times... I just feel so sad, so hopeless, and so paralyzed in my pain...

I wish there was a happy pill we could pop and make the world a better place for all... not so, huh???


Posts: 519 | Registered: Aug 2011
Hugemistake
New Member
Member # 35073
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, April 2nd (Monday)

I am genuinely ashamed to say that I am a cheater and have become depressed as a result. I have had bouts before and was on 10mg of Lexapro daily for four years up to my infidelity, but nothing on this scale.

I knew it was wrong but the attention I got was on a scale I had never experienced and she was constantly telling me she was crazy about me. It was like I was on a pedestal and I have to admit I became addicted. I couldn't cope when we ended it. I couldn't sleep, eat or concentrate. I cried every day for a month.

I was put on 20mg of Lexapro but that wasn't working and am now taking 150mg of Efexor XR having been on 75mg for four weeks.

I deserve it and more.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Mar 2012
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Just checking in here. I belong here too. I'm a mad-hatter, and I'm sorry.

I've been diagnosed with major depression since my childhood, not sure when it was "official". It took a long time to get on the proper meds. Over ten years without them, and finally got them near the very end. I was taking Effexor before the pregnancy for just a few months, but the doctor had me stop so as to not harm the baby (now our one year old son ). So I've been off meds for the past two years. Nine more months to go until he stops nursing, and then I can get back on them. It is a struggle. Therapy is teaching me some skills to use when I'm having a hard day, but they're more addressing another mental illness I have rather than the depression directly. I wish we would focus on the depression, understand why it happens this way, what triggers it (even though it feels like it never goes away). It's so raw. Maybe it will get better when the Effexor comes back. It was the greatest feeling taking it for the first time, I can still remember it: my mind felt like it was waking up suddenly, after being dim and asleep for so long, and when it woke up it said: "Yes... I... can!"

Is anyone else learning skills in therapy to complement ADs, mood-regulating skills? Do the ADs take all the depression away for anyone, or is there still a low level that lingers?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
sevensisterhood
New Member
Member # 36851
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, September 26th (Wednesday)

hi All--glad to see this topic. I have sruggled with severe depression for years. I had just really climbed out of a steep trough, for real and was ready to cut back on my meds as well as my (very!) necessary sleep aids (valium, yecch), when my WH dropped the D-bomb on me

Needless to say, after nearly 2months I am giving back in to the depression. I held the line pretty well, but his continued lying and serious case of TT have pretty well done me in. In addition, I have realized that my job, very people-focused, is not something I can do well at all. It took me 3 years to get that job (I do public humanities/museum work and it's very hard to get jobs.)

So his affair has not only tanked my personal life, my self esteem, my belief in myself as a sexual being of any attractiveness (I'm an overweight middle aged woman), but on top of it all, I find that I'll have to give up my career that I fought hard for years to achieve, since I just don't have the stamina to do it any more. There is no such thing as an extended leave ast a small non-profit where you are the whole staff.

Basically, the bastard firebombed my whole life, soup to nuts. I'd like to know if there wasn't something on purpose going on there?

Everybody talks about the fog and all, but it seems a little coincidental to me.

Meantime, I am looking at partial hospitalization programs because I simply cannot cope any more. I have started cutting. I never did that before. I cut myself 93 times for each of the time he texted his mistress on my birthday this year, when he never so much as said hello to me, never mind a cake, or flowers or anything. Nada.

Now I'm finding that I can't stop cutting. yikes.

He blames the "omission" on the fact that we shared a planned celebration date with my daughter (in the middle)...but he texted OW on both the shared date, and daughter's date too. Such a liar. He claims he doesn't know what he talked about for more than a hour on the phone each week with his trollop.

So, all that notwithstanding, and I have terrific support in IC and psych meds doc etc, I don't know how to care for myself any more. The world goes on, and I cannot go on with it any more.

I really need help--some strategies for digging out of this hole.

I want to try in-home 180, but I am not sure I am strong enough.

thoughts or wisdom, anyone?

[This message edited by sevensisterhood at 11:44 PM, September 26th (Wednesday)]


Me-53, married 23 yrs, 25 yr relationship; PA at his HS reunion, year + of s/texting, phone, Facebook; CraigsLIst postings, Ashley Madison, OKCUpid account, Adult slut sites..... "I never used them!!".

Posts: 39 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Unreal55
New Member
Member # 37162
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, October 20th (Saturday)

I think that going through MC and bringing up many addressed issues including is As is going to be depressing. The day after our last session H slept all day and had headaches. I will seek out AD but he is in NA and refuses but this will just make it worse for all as he is looking to take his hurt out on someone. I know I can't make him do anything but anyone have any luck persuading WS to seek their own help?

Posts: 13 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Usa
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, October 20th (Saturday)

I've battled with mild depression on and off, especially after EX started his A.

But I was in survival mode for years, and now that I'm not just living a day at a time, but looking toward more than mere survival, I am becoming depressed about my current situation and future. I am really struggling to find happiness in anything. I cry a lot.


BW (me) - 44
DS 13, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3194 | Registered: Dec 2008
armywife80
New Member
Member # 37837
Default  Posted: 2:13 AM, January 10th (Thursday)

I have had depression off and on for most of my life. Before WH cheated I was in treatment for post-partum for the past 2 years. When we married I was doing very well, but wheni got pregnant with our first child I got very depressed and again with our second. I have been taking Zoloft for about 3 years now. It helps with some symptoms, but the side effects are disruptive.

I was doing ok before he told me what happened. Then I just fell off a cliff. I couldn't think strait for a couple weeks. Almost had to drop out of my MBA program, was asked to step down from a volunteer position because I was doing nothing. I have been suicidal, but can't bring myself to leave my kids. Everyday I just wish I was dead.

Now I am reconsidering ECT treatments. This is something that I worked very hard through doctors and insurance to pursue in the past because I was unhappy with the antidepressants effectiveness/side effects. However, I was doing well enough that I decided to hold off. Since he cheated I feel like this is my last hope. I should have my first treatment in about 3 weeks.

Anyone on here have experience with ECT treatments? I know that I could lose some memory and I am wondering how I should handle the information about WH. Should I tell him to re-confess? Should I write myself a letter about it? I think it would be a blessing to just forget the whole thing. Should I tell WH to not tell me if I forget so that I can move on and get better?


Army Wife 6+ years with 2 kids
WH: (AlwaysAway) Had sex with a prostitute on his way home for R&R.
DDay: 14 NOV 2012
I don't want to be here anymore.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Fayetteville, NC
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, May 9th (Thursday)

Just saw this and thought of this thread:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

Shame this thread is a little moribund for now, as a sense of tribe could be very helpful for anyone dealing with depression.

Maybe this could act as a bump as well. I do recommend the link.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 498