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User Topic: When A WS Leaves For Their OP
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

Support for BS's that have been left for the OP.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
lra90
Member
Member # 9281
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

Me Me


Posts: 18129 | Registered: Jan 2006
dante_hicks
New Member
Member # 13815
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

Me too, but I'm told she's no longer with him.

Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Kansas
lra90
Member
Member # 9281
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

Mine's still seeing HER. Out with HER tonight I suspect.

He moves out of here, in with his parents and then has sleepovers with HER when he feels like it.

His parents are fully aware of what's going on but are reluctant to get involved.

Sigh....


Posts: 18129 | Registered: Jan 2006
eeyore56
Member
Member # 11576
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

Well, I fit in here.

I have 2 kids away at college and even when they come home for a visit he takes off to be with her. Neither son has met her yet and I am thankful for that but I know it will happen someday. I am not looking forward to that day. Lucky for me it is mainly her that is holding back. She says she isn't ready yet.


I'm still hot, it just comes in flashes now. (my bumpersticker)

Posts: 3222 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Sweet home Chicago
lra90
Member
Member # 9281
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

My 5yo has met her, even played with her kids.

My older girls say they'll never meet her; don't want to. Have also told their dad if he forces HER on them, all Hell will break loose.

If I were him, I'd believe them.


Posts: 18129 | Registered: Jan 2006
eeyore56
Member
Member # 11576
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

I have said this before but my youngest (19) has said that the only reason why he wants to meet her is to tell her to go to hell. He stays with XH when he comes home for a visit (still feels like home to him). My oldest (22)stays with me when he comes home for a visit so chances of meeting her are much less. The oldest barely speaks to my X.

It is difficult for kids no matter what age.


I'm still hot, it just comes in flashes now. (my bumpersticker)

Posts: 3222 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Sweet home Chicago
tech453
New Member
Member # 13764
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

my ws moved in with om about two months ago just a little over a month after d-day seems like there moving real quick she has gotten real close with oms s we have no kids of our own cause i cant have them and i feel like this is one of the reasons why she is doing this. we will be m 18 years next month so needless to say this has been really rough to handle. and then today i seen the three of them together so my day has been really messed up.


bs 39
ws 37
m 17
together 26
d-day 1/3/07

Posts: 34 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: IN
followedmyheart
Member
Member # 9364
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

Mine has been living with the whore for over a year. Moved 1000 miles away without even a goodbye to DDs.

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Jan 2006
lra90
Member
Member # 9281
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

(((tech)))

Our 17th wedding anniversary is April 21. I know how hard it is to have those special dates looming out there waiting to bite you in the ass.


Posts: 18129 | Registered: Jan 2006
tech453
New Member
Member # 13764
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

the om is (was) a friend of ours and my ww has talked about how she thought he was weird and didnt keep his house clean and now shes living with him does that make any sense


bs 39
ws 37
m 17
together 26
d-day 1/3/07

Posts: 34 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: IN
tech453
New Member
Member # 13764
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

ira,
what do you plan on doing that day i've been thinking about that the closer it gets cause i know it is going to be a very bad day i was thinking about going to tulsa to visit my coisin but i dont know if thats the best thing to do or not i dont want to be that far from home and depresser at the same time whats your thoughts?


bs 39
ws 37
m 17
together 26
d-day 1/3/07

Posts: 34 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: IN
Ivette
Member
Member # 6884
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

My stbxh is still with the ow. I'm still dealing with it don't know how to feel or what to do any more.

[This message edited by Ivette at 10:03 AM, July 24th (Tuesday)]


Rather have no company than bad company.

Posts: 1810 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Massachusetts
lra90
Member
Member # 9281
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

Not at all. But then, cheating on someone you're "supposed" to love more than life itself doesn't make much sense to me either.

Posts: 18129 | Registered: Jan 2006
lra90
Member
Member # 9281
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

tech,

I have 3 kids and that just happens to be my weekend with them. My 5yo son is playing T-ball and he has a game that day. As such, I'll see my E(stranged)WH that morning. Not sure how to handle that one yet.

It will bother me more than I probably realize rigt now, since he goes with HER to get her kids (2 hours away) on the Friday nights he doesn't have his kids-which will be the night before our anni.

Actually, I think going to visit your cousin is a GOOD idea. It gets you out of town and you'll be spending the day with people you know love and care about you.


Posts: 18129 | Registered: Jan 2006
tech453
New Member
Member # 13764
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

you bring up a very good point ira. my ww still says she didnt cheat on me cause nothing p happened until after we S even though she had been lying to me and was starting to have feelings for him before we S oh and its my fault too isnt that amazing!


bs 39
ws 37
m 17
together 26
d-day 1/3/07

Posts: 34 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: IN
tech453
New Member
Member # 13764
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

do they really believe the CRAP they tell us!


bs 39
ws 37
m 17
together 26
d-day 1/3/07

Posts: 34 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: IN
tech453
New Member
Member # 13764
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

oops i think i was starting to vent anyway i wish you the best of luck on the 21st.


bs 39
ws 37
m 17
together 26
d-day 1/3/07

Posts: 34 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: IN
lra90
Member
Member # 9281
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

OK...first off, if the 2 of you were still married (even tho separated) and she stepped out on you, it's STILL cheating. No matter what she says.

Second, (saying this VERY sarcastically) It's always OUR fault. No matter what, it's our fault. The sooner we BS's realize this, the better off we'll be.

Yes, they do believe the crap that comes out of their mouths. If they didn't, then they'd have to actually see what their actions and decisions have done to those around them. And it's not a pretty sight.

My EWH actually told me shortly after D-day that he had a hard time looking at me because he could see the pain in my eyes and to know that he was the cause of all that pain was too much for him to bear.

He also said shortly after that, that he just couldn't stay in this house anymore because he knew that he would never be able to "live it down"-meaning that he was afraid I would never forget that he cheated and therefore never let him forget that he cheated.

Thanks about the 21st. I'll need it to get through the morning.


Posts: 18129 | Registered: Jan 2006
SithGoddess
Member
Member # 1246
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, April 6th (Friday)

SithGoddess checking in.


"Life is hard. It's even harder when you're stupid." - Mango

Posts: 23401 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: Eastern Ontario
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, April 6th (Friday)

me three checking in.

Thank you DS and MH and mods for putting this in.


Me: 42
Two boys: 18 and 15
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25681 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
mkr543
Member
Member # 12867
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, April 6th (Friday)

I'm here too.

My H left me for the OW, who then dumped him a few weeks later. Then he said he wanted me back, then he said he wanted to "think" for awhile, then he said he wanted me back, then he said he wanted to "think" for awhile, then he said he wanted me back, then he said he wanted to "think" for awhile...

It seems the "thinking" part is centered around her. Things were getting better for awhile and then I found he was calling her again. He says they're "friends" and I told him no way, you're just having an EA now.


Me:BS - 38
Him: FWH - 44
d-day: November 12, 2006

Too long a sacrifice can make stone of the heart. -William Butler Yeats


Posts: 1838 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: New England
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, April 6th (Friday)

Me too. I thought we were trying to R when OW showed up on our doorstep on our 18th anni. And he "had" to help her. But he did send me flowers...

I got a phone call later that week telling me he was moving. They are still together even though they were "just friends"...yeah, that's why I found them naked in bed and he was smoking a cig...

tech, I went to work on my 19th and was D less than a month later. Visit your cousin or do something normal (like work). It keeps the thoughts away.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, April 6th (Friday)

:::Nouveau raising her hand:::

Reposting a link to a great article called: "When a Man Leaves a Woman". It talks about the WS who leaves and then villifies the BS and rewrites the entire marital history to justify the affair.

http://www.starlitewebdesign.com/leaves.html


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, April 6th (Friday)

Surprisingly enough I could give a shit about OW. As long as she has no contact with my kids and she never will as long as I am drawing a breath I don't care if he is with her or not. I said to my friend once about how could someone sleep in sheets that another woman bought, eat off dishes another woman picked out, dry yourself off on towels that touched someone else and she told me "this girl is fucking your husband do you think she gives a shit about your dishes". Let me tell you that slapped me back down to earth. He wants to be with her let him. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me and only me not someone who thinks that being with me is a chore.


divorced!

Posts: 2940 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
tkd1
Member
Member # 6661
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

Me.


"I Just need a compass and a willing accomplice." P!nk, Crystal Ball

Posts: 2930 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: SE Ga
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

My first H married his last OW that I found out about during our M. (I'm quite sure she is not the last OW either, but she was the last one during our M).
I should clarify a bit; he didn't necessarily "leave" me for her. I threw him out and filed for a divorce almost immediately after finding out his final round of cheating. He married her though so I still relate to this topic.

Posts: 6197 | Registered: Apr 2006
tnt60
Member
Member # 12481
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

Yea my STBX left me for his OW. Did I mention that it was the 2nd time that he had left me in a 10 month period to be with someone else. He's been having an EA with this OP for about 2 months and already he's calling her his Life Partner.

My friends and therapist keep telling me that its not me, its him. Did anyone else besides me have trouble believing that? It also kills me that he's telling his family a very different story about what really happened between us. I don't even think that they know about his "Life Partner". Seriously divorce papers having even been filed and already he considers himself to be M to someone else.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Oct 2006
NoTurningBack
Member
Member # 11984
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

I belong here too. My now XH left me to move in with the OW on D-Day. He has moved out twice but keeps going back. My kids also have not met her and don't ever want to.

It is truly distressing to me they lies they tell to other people. He has told everyone a different story. And none of what he is telling is true.


Me BS (50)
Him XH (48)
T 24 years
M 23-1/2 years
2 Wonderful Sons (22 & 19)
D-Day 9/2/06
Filed for D 9/7/06
Divorce final 10/23/06

Posts: 189 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Arkansas
eeyore56
Member
Member # 11576
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

tnt60,
I was just thinking about that today. I know it is not supposed to be about me. I did nothing wrong. I just can't understand what is wrong with me that he felt he had to leave me for someone else. What is so great about her? She cheats, she lies, she can't be trusted and yet he thought she was better than I was? Some days (like today) I just wonder if he didn't see anything special in me to stay, why would someone else?

I didn't kick him out, he wanted out. How do I get over that?


I'm still hot, it just comes in flashes now. (my bumpersticker)

Posts: 3222 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Sweet home Chicago
BJBrez
Member
Member # 3632
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

My EX married the OW on April Fool's weekend in Vegas (prophetic, possibly )

He never told my 19 year old-left that for the 23 year old to do. I found out via the rumor mill at work. As my youngest said "Dad dropped the ball again and I do not think I am going to pick it up this time"

Neither son spends much time with Dad and NO time with OW. I am grateful that they were older when we separated and divorced so they could call the shots and no visitation plan had to be developed. Though, contrary to what many think-it is no easier on older/adult children.


Posts: 1660 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Illinois
tnt60
Member
Member # 12481
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

eeyore65
I'm told that we want it to be about us so that we can have some sort of control over the situation. See if its about us we can change: dress differently, change our hairstyle, be more fun, ect..BUT because its not about us we can't control the situation, we have no say in our WS walking out on us.

I believe the hardest part about my WS leaving me, for me anyway, is the rejection. The rejection has given me an distorted view of myself. I feel ugly, boring, and stupid. My friends and family have actually started to question my sanity. I'm not trying to sound vain but wherever I go, I have men flirting with me but this does nothing for my ego because of the rejection of my WS. We need to start thinking more objectively and not so subjectively about ourselves. I know easier said than done.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Oct 2006
luv2swim
Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, April 8th (Sunday)

Me too.
WH claims his demand for divorce has NOTHING to do with OW. In fact his rewritten history of marriage (and everything else) has him separating from me before he met her. There is a problem with his timeline: like an 6 week difference proven via phone records (not that it matters). Wh is off the deep end for this women. Out of his mind. Naturally, it is ALL MY FAULT!

Gads, for months I thought it must be me. He is so kind, so nice, so whatever. The NPD being, squished into someone in a very responsible job, charming (really charming), good looking (very), etc. etc.

Oh... and his choice of OP... ICK! Skank de la skank! Only thing missing is an exchange of money!


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married 24 years -
2 fantastic kids!

divorced 2009


D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married and still together (as far as I know).


Posts: 400 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
Hollow Inside
Member
Member # 13123
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 8th (Sunday)

Count me in here, too.

STBX left me a few weeks ago to live with OW, and I agree that the rejection is the hardest part to deal with. I'll never understand how anyone can just throw their spouse away for a "newer" one.

Oh... and his choice of OP... ICK! Skank de la skank! Only thing missing is an exchange of money!

LOL! Mine too - this chick is total trash - and it's the one thing that makes me feel better about this whole thing!


~~Reliving the nightmare~~

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Illinois
Hurtinbad
Member
Member # 7332
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, April 8th (Sunday)

My ex left to live with OP as well. It has been a little over a year. They are not married though. Just living together.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Texas
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, April 8th (Sunday)

tnt,

"I'm told that we want it to be about us so that we can have some sort of control over the situation."

I personally think that is pschobabble. I personally think that we feel it is about us because they M us then chose someone else. My thinking was "There must be something wrong with me for him to choose HER!!"

Well, the reality is that there is something wrong with them. They justify having an A. There are many ways that they justify it -- "You were not a good wife", "I haven't loved you for years", blah blah blah.

In my case, X (I beleive) had the A to boost his own self esteem. There is nothing more I could have done to boost it. I supported him in EVERYTHING he ever did. That was good enough for at least 10 years. But at some point my love and devostion to him was not enough. He needed even more --- he neede someone else to prop him up and hero worship him.

I hope this helps. It is very hard to get over the thoughts that it is about me, because he rejected ME! I can hear it over and over, but only slowly do I begin to believe.

((hugs))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, April 8th (Sunday)

Checking in here too!!

He's with her. I don't really care anymore. They deserve each other and I am so much better off. He's not my problem anymore!!!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE him.
OC born 2001
DDay 2002
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8150 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
SoHappy2BMe
Member
Member # 13653
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, April 8th (Sunday)

wh left for work, I found him and ow having sex that night at his workplace...he hasn't been home since. He told his family that night that they were going to LOOOOOVE ow...she was so awesome I actually wonder if he set himself up to get caught. He couldn't leave on his own (no spine, weak jackass) and he didn't want to be home. He's taking the skank de la skank (I like that ) home to meet his folks next week. wh is actually using some family members who have committed adultery and gone on to marry the op as role models ~ how f'd up is that??

I was struggling with rejection for awhile but my thinking right now is that the two of them are made for each other. If they stay together then they are off the street unable to harm other families.

I just don't ever want to run into them together...not really sure how that would make me feel.


*Recovering* *Healing* *Divorcing*

"I did the best I could with what I knew...And when I knew better, I did better!" ~ Maya Angelou
In other words...I know what you've been up to all this time now get the hell out of here!!


Posts: 293 | Registered: Feb 2007
MoeGreen63
Member
Member # 6832
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, April 8th (Sunday)

What I know...

The joke's on him.


Posts: 14115 | Registered: Apr 2005
crazytimes
Member
Member # 9431
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, April 9th (Monday)

Count me in here as well. STBX had been having an A with OW#2 for about a month I think b4 he stopped coming home at all & I found out about a month after that that he'd moved in with OW.
As far as I know he is still with her.
When the finances go thru of me buying out his interest in the house we bought together I don 't know what he's going to do. Seems a bit quick for them to be buying property together. Anyway, WOTEVER!! NBot my problem!!


"Not all men are bastards, some of them are dead"
"Living well is the best revenge!"
"Better to have loved & lost than be stuck with the loser forever!"

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: New Zealand
tnt60
Member
Member # 12481
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 9th (Monday)

Right now I feel like I can't fully move on until my X has suffered some sort of mental breakdown. We have only been S for about 5 weeks, so I hoping this feeling is natural and it would go away over time. The funny thing is I don't love or miss my X. I just want him to be in some kind of agony. I want him to realize the mistake he made for giving up his marriage for some relationship that he had only been in for about 2 months. My therapist did tell me that more than likely that will happened but he could have just been telling me anything to help me move on. Please tell me that you guys have had similar thoughts.

Posts: 142 | Registered: Oct 2006
32years2day
Member
Member # 14016
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, April 9th (Monday)

TNT -right or wrong Im with you on this one.

I emptied him 6 weeks ago and hadn't spoken to or seen him since.However he arrived on Friday to tell me he was miserable where he is etc and I"M GLAD.
However this could be more lies as he followed it up by asking if I could give him money when his bankruptcy is up.
Bottom line this barfly thought she'd got a man of means because he likes to brag about what he's got-a home here and a holiday home in Spain but forgets everything is in my name.So she now knows obviously and has got a performing alcoholic,that owns nothing as her PRIZE.That thought makes me happy too and if that makes me a bad person then so be it.


The strong are sometimes wrong but the weak are never free.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: scotland
tnt60
Member
Member # 12481
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, April 9th (Monday)

I can't wait for my X OP to find out just how bad my X is at having or keeping money. The OP STBX is well off, and they ran in a pretty elite group. The OP is really taking a step down with my X in regards to this. My X is now trying to start his own business so he can keep up. He doesn't realize that starting a new business takes time to start making any money. I know its wrong of me to think or say but I hope this business goes belly up before it even gets off the ground That will teach him.

Posts: 142 | Registered: Oct 2006
wherefromhere
Member
Member # 12663
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, April 9th (Monday)

Sad to say but I'm included in this one too.

He left me for her, he thinks she is a wonderful person and I'm this evil, mean, bitch who made his life miserable for years.

Nouveau - thanks for that link to the article "When a man leaves a woman". It is exactly what my WS is doing.


me - BS 45
WH - 44
OW - whore from work
M - 22 years
S 19 - D 16
d Day Sept. 06
filed Nov. 06
I hate him for making me hate him.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Nov 2006
sweet_agony
Member
Member # 12685
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)

My Xbp false reconciliation with me for 3 months, then he decided he had to have OW...spent a few nights with her...the same old stuff...I had enough of that crap, so I went to her house and wrote her a letter full of info he said about their sex life...boy did that cause her to scream and throw a fit full of dramatics and hyperventilatting and how terrible a person I am...

He has NC with me since then, never that with her...but I heard they are not working out, and are not together, but who knows. Time will tell.


Me-45
him 52

BP=betraying partner


Posts: 239 | Registered: Nov 2006
starlight
Member
Member # 1119
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)

Well, I don't know why I didn't see this sooner, but I belong to this club also.

Nouveau-thanks again for the link, that is such a great article and so true!


Is it ignorance or indifference? I don't know, and I don't care...

Me-BS
XH-WS
Married almost 20 years...


Posts: 959 | Registered: Feb 2003 | From: Texas
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)

SoHappy2BMe,

I actually wonder if he set himself up to get caught.

I believe my X wanted to get caught. I mean, they were in my guest room. They heard me in the bathroom, just as I heard them in the bedroom. I did not go in immediately -- I was so freaked out I sat on the steps for a good 10 minutes trying to get ahold of myself, waiting for him to come out so I could confront him. But finally I walked in and there they were in all their naked glory

He may have been hoping that I would hop into bed with them and join their little party.

I don't know what he was thinking. He was dead drunk. she was sober. I don't know how many times he has said soething along the line of "If only I wasn't so drunk, I wouldn't have gone into her room." But he left me anyway. I know he wanted to go into her room. I just don't know how many times he did that before I caught them.

Hmm, this was a little ventish. I hope it's ok with the mods. If not, I will edit.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
mer1ins
Member
Member # 11607
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)

I kicked my WH out on 8/2/2006 and he moved in with the OW the same night. They both got a really good deal. None of WH's four kids will have anything to do with him and WH, OW and OW's alcoholic brother are sharing a mobile home in the armpit of BFE.


The truth may set you free, but first it will shatter the safe, sweet way you live - Sue Monk Kidd

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. (Rabbi Julius Gordon)

BH/WH - 51
FWW/BW - 54


Posts: 1225 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: FL
lra90
Member
Member # 9281
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)

Yesterday, my sister and I were talking about how good my EWH has it.

He lives with his parents so his mom cooks for him, does his laundry-including ironing his work clothes, makes his bed, cleans up after him.
He's able to come and go as he pleases.

He sees HER when he wants and she cooks for him, does his laundry when he stays over, cleans up after him, makes his bed.

He has no kid worries at either place.

I told my sister I wanted to go live with his parents.


Posts: 18129 | Registered: Jan 2006
Still_Lost
Member
Member # 14095
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)

I belong here, too. They moved in together sometime in January.

I don't want to reconcile but it still hurts. I'm still waiting for the karma bus It's not suppose to last. Why is it still going on?


Me: BW
Him: Deadbeat XH
Married 10 yrs
D10, D8

Divorced (not by choice)

Working on healing and recovery...


Posts: 144 | Registered: Mar 2007
roadlesstraveled
Member
Member # 13501
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, April 11th (Wednesday)

I'm in this fun club too

My WS abandoned me over here in France 5 months ago...he just up an left, telling me he didn't know who he was or what he wanted out of life.
After he left, he basically cut off all contact with me. We have been together 10 years and married for almost 3.

I discovered the A on accident by finding emails stored on my computer. Those emails told me everything I never wanted to know. WS is now living with his mom (he's 28) and continuing his relationship with OW. She was a former co-worker (of course). She is 10 years younger than me, has a baby, and just divorced her husband to be with mine.

It was hard enough to deal with his sudden leaving and being out of the country for the year (he really did run away!)..but dealing with the knowledge of the A and lies/deceit/betrayal has been especially hard.
It's good to have this board and the support of everyone going through the same awful thing.

One thing I have been struggling with is the fact that in most of the books I have read on infidelity the authors don't spend much time talking about marriages where the WS leaves for the OP. The books mostly focus on reconciliation and how to survive in your marriage after the affair. This was never even an option for me. Has anyone out there found a good resource that specifically addresses our situation?? What if the WS leaves and has no intention of working on the marriage?
Just curious if anyone has found any good info on this topic. Apparently, it is especially rare for men to leave their marriage for an OP..but it doesn't seem that rare to me in reading all the stories here on SI!!


"Life is what happens when your plans go astray."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Jan 2007
runaway
Member
Member # 8720
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, April 11th (Wednesday)

Thanks mods for this.

I'm in the club too - and been finding it hard to find stuff about how to get it back together when H just up and leaves (on d-day) for the OW.

She was married too. They now live wonderful life together with several large houses at their disposal, cushy double-income lifestyle (she's a divorce lawyer) and take my little girls every other weekend, playing happy families.

I find it hard not to feel replaced - especially when that is exactly what happened. He even told the children as much as pretends OW is their mum when they are out.

But then - like others said before - it is all my fault - I am evil bitch and he was unhappy the entire marriage etc. Just wish he'd bothered to mention it before (while looking at a new house the week before d-day even would have done?!)

Anyway - there's no point venting anymore - I just want to learn how to move on.

Big hugs to everyone here.


No one can hurt me unless I let them. I forgot that for a while. But I'm back now.

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: UK
luv2swim
Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)

"One thing I have been struggling with is the fact that in most of the books I have read on infidelity the authors don't spend much time talking about marriages where the WS leaves for the OP. The books mostly focus on reconciliation and how to survive in your marriage after the affair. This was never even an option for me. Has anyone out there found a good resource that specifically addresses our situation?? What if the WS leaves and has no intention of working on the marriage?
Just curious if anyone has found any good info on this topic. Apparently, it is especially rare for men to leave their marriage for an OP..but it doesn't seem that rare to me in reading all the stories here on SI!!"

I too would like recommendations for resources. Most of my readings have focused upon attempts to heal this sense of rejection that is (was) so huge in me. I find Pema Chondron's writing of some help. She is an American women who (from my understanding) had a husband leave a long marriage. That event sent her on a path of seeking truth, and she turned to Buddhism. She is a Buddhist nun, and writes extremely well about compassion and forgiveness. About detaching basically.

I have also found Byron Katie's writing of huge value. Her approach is about "Loving What Is", and an awareness that we humans tend to tell ourselves "stories" about the other person. eg what they are thinking, what their actions mean, etc. She also points out that who our spouses left is only the person THEIR thinking believes us to be. I know my husband has recently told me how awful I am, how I will do such and such and be such and such. I do not recognize this women he is describing. I know it is not me. Yet he tells me this is who I am for him. The Byron Katie work has allowed me to listen to him as if he is telling me I have green skin and bright purple hair (which I do not), and know this is who he needs me to be right now, perhaps to justify to himself his actions.

There is a book that was popular in England a while back titled Revenge of the Middle Aged Women. It is fiction... a nice read for women whose H's depart for OW. The book "The Script" pretty much details what my H is doing. Right down to predict some of his speeches. Leads me to believe there are very few original "plays" humans live out. The scene changes, the actors change, small details shift... but basically, middle aged men in (fill in the blank of discord and crisis), will opt for one of several scenarios. Leaving a marriage for OW is just one of them. Maybe a most painful one for BS in short term. Maybe most painful for WS in long term?

I'll post more titles when I get time.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married 24 years -
2 fantastic kids!

divorced 2009


D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married and still together (as far as I know).


Posts: 400 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
Candlemaker
Member
Member # 1600
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)

I'm here. The hardest part for me is not that he gave me up for a new model, but that he gave his children and grandchildren up. He has no relationship with my youngest daughter and her daughter at all (and guess what he's found a way to make that MY fault in his pea brain) and a minimal relationshop with my oldest daughter and her son. Both are related to the fact he's attached to OW at the hip and the girls refuse to meet her of have their children around her, yet he denies he's choosing her over them.

BTW, this woman that is worth giving your whole family up for is such a paragon of virtue that the first thing new hires hear about is how many of the other coworkers she's done in the bathroom.


If you can't go to bed with a good man, go to bed with a good book. It's much better company in the long run.

Jodi Thomas


Posts: 3311 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Oregon
roadlesstraveled
Member
Member # 13501
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)

luv2swim-

Thank you so much for the recommendations on books and authors..I will look into them ASAP

A book I have found that has helped me (although it isn't about affairs/infidelity per se, but about the ending of relationships) is
"Uncoupling" by Diane Vaughan. She really explains the dynamics of the ending of relationships and gives both the leavers and leavees point of view.


"Life is what happens when your plans go astray."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Jan 2007
roadlesstraveled
Member
Member # 13501
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)

Here is a short selection from "Not Just Friends" that deals with this topic:

"Sometimes unfaithful partners choose to leave for their lovers. They use the revelation of the affair as a springboard to leave the marriage. Once the story breaks, they're gone. They often cover up their real intention, which is to pursue the affair, by giving lame excuses such as "I need some space right now" or "This isn't about you, it's about me". (I HEARD BOTH OF THESE!!!)

Betrayed partners who are left behind are often ready to forgive and work through the problems but have no say in the matter. They were powerless to stop the affair, and they end up being powerless to preserve the marriage. Many are abandoned against their wishes and against their values. They may consider divorce unacceptable and be horrified at the thought of their children being raised without two parents at home. They have to live with the reality that they failed to keep their family together, despite how desperately they tried.

Being left peremptorily and prematurely can leave the betrayed partner with a number of unresolved issues. Psychologically, one of the greatest difficulties is the lack of closure. If the unfaithful partner left early in the aftermath of the affair, the betrayed partner may never know the whole story of what happened. The crucial steps of recovery- getting the facts, searching for meaning- are never completed.

The one who is left must formulate the story alone, without the input of the central character in the drama. It's like trying to build a building without ever having seen a blueprint.

Some betrayed partners say that it would have been easier if their unfaithful spouse had died. What they mean is that enduring that loss would have been easier than enduring the betrayal.
They feel this way even if the unfaithful spouse is remorseful and are committed to stay and rebuild the marriage.

Think about what it's like for those who are both betrayed and abandoned. They lose both their relationship AND any conviction that their partner once loved them and cared about them."


"Life is what happens when your plans go astray."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Jan 2007
Jynx
New Member
Member # 13543
DOH!  Posted: 8:20 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)

Yup, my WH left me right after I confronted him about his affair. Hasn't filed for D yet but is at all sorts of places with her....what a schmuck!

[This message edited by Jynx at 8:20 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)]


It is what it is.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Wisconsin
Hurt4Ever
Member
Member # 167
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)

Count me in. My XH left me on Mother's Day. Exactly one week later, the OW left her H and moved in with mine. Our first wedding anniversary apart (28 years...and yes, we were still married), my friend saw them at the mall picking out wedding rings. They are now living happily everafter. I hope they're so happy they choke.

Posts: 526 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Missouri
luv2swim
Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 3:44 AM, April 12th (Thursday)

Roadlesstraveled...
thanks for posting the out take from S. Glass. Her book NOT JUST FRIENDS helped me to understand my own reactions (a few straws short of certifiably nutso for many months), were the norm. Especially under the circumstances.

Now... 6 months beyond the crazy stage, I have a whole different take on all that is happening.

I now feel my WH is very confused. Any human that can profess to love me as he did (does still at times), and treat me with such disrespect, is not well. Certainly no human would bring such pain into another, especially spouse/mother of their children, unless there is incredible pain and hurt in themselves.

Recognizing this as true leaves me with compassion for WH. I am the blessed one celebrating everyday with our teenage boys. I am able to watch as they do their unfolding into the most wonderful of young men. I am the one who gets to laugh with these boys, celebrate with them, and enrich my life with their presence.

I am the one who snuggles with our dogs and is loved by them, as only Golden Retrievers can. I am the one who lives here still... in such a wonderful home we built with love for US. Yeah, sure, I need to put in heaps of work in order to fix the place up and sell it. But I am here. Enjoying it. He is in a rental with OW (sounds like a nice rental and all... but our place here is nicer!). I am the one who continues to have the respect of long time friends (as long as I promise to never say I still love WH around them!). While WH has lost these friends.
I am the one who can look in the mirror everyday and know I did not betray, I did not lie, I kept my own vows, did my work, and really, truly, most wonderfully had an incredible marriage for nearly 2 decades.

My poor wayward H... he was the one in an awful marriage (apparently), living an awful life of sacrifice (he says), hurting because awful always happens to him (he says). I dunno... seemed like a mostly blessed life. He used to think so too.

I figure midlife depression is an ugly time. I feel sorry for WH... he had a wife who would have stayed for better or worse. He had a wife who loved him pretty much no matter what. I notice his OW has a tendency for betrayal, and leaving. Time will tell.

[This message edited by luv2swim at 3:48 AM, April 12th (Thursday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married 24 years -
2 fantastic kids!

divorced 2009


D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married and still together (as far as I know).


Posts: 400 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
tnt60
Member
Member # 12481
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, April 12th (Thursday)

I'm with you luv2swim. My STBX is in some kind of depression, so it saddens me to see him acting so out of character. He's looking for something to take away the pain.

I just saw a new therapist yesterday. I have a really good feeling about her. Unlike the 2 male (not bashing) therapist I had, she really listens and picks up on what I'm saying. Her opinion on my EX is that he is hurting from so inner pain but instead of working through that he choose to pick the easy road by running from one woman to the next. The man has been 'in love' with 3 different woman in the last 12 months. Thats sad.

The good news for me is that I now realize why I'm taking this rejection so hard, now I just have to work on letting go of past resentments and rejections that I've been holding onto for years. Thats going to be the hard part. Anytime something bothered me, I would just bury it and try to forget about it. This has been my pattern of behavior since I was a kid. Its going to be great learning how to release this baggage.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Oct 2006
lamb/lion
Member
Member # 5510
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, April 12th (Thursday)

Count me in this club. I should clarify a bit; he didn't necessarily "leave" me for her. I threw him out and filed for a divorce almost immediately after finding out He cannot stand to be alone so after he knew I was not gong to stay married to him, he moved 900 miles away to life with her and 6 months later they got married. They have been married 9 months.

I have been D 2 years in March and I can honestly now say to the OW "Thank you so much, I am happier than I have ever been". I am so blessed to be free of him and have found a great SO that truly loves, respects and above all appreciates me!!


Me-BS age 53
H- WS age 54
Married-31 Years (together 38)
D-day 1 Sept 13, 2004
D-day 2 Oct 22, 2004
Divorced 3/1/05
Laughing and living---best revenge!!

Posts: 675 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: Columbus Ohio
Jewels2505
Member
Member # 8761
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, April 12th (Thursday)

What's funny is that my EH went directly from me to moving in with the OW who lived just down the street from our family home, then 10 months later they moved in behind me.

They broke up last April and then EH went with another woman whom he works with and was seeing on the side while he was OW#1.

Now he lives 10 seconds away from where I work with OW#2.

I just can't get rid of the B@st@rd!


Me (BS)
Married 3 years
3 year old daughter and 6 month old daughter born Jan 08 2006
Husband left Apr 26/05
DD: Jul 02/05
Husband filed for divorce Jul 20/05
Husband left saying the words "I love you but I am not in love with you"
Di

Posts: 236 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Ottawa Ontario
cassandra
Member
Member # 3956
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, April 14th (Saturday)

the best book I read for the deserted bs -esp during the initial hurtful aftermath:

"the journey from abandonment to healing" by susan anderson

the author, a therapist, lived it and is most thoughtful in her approach. plus (the good part), she offers actual coping strategies for dealing with the range of wild emotions that can knock you sideways.

it's been a few years for me and although it was a long and tough road, it does get better. you will have a life with renewed clarity and will be amazed at your new-found wisdom and calm approach to life

[This message edited by cassandra at 11:27 AM, April 14th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1451 | Registered: Apr 2004
anniec
Member
Member # 14238
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, April 14th (Saturday)

Count me in. He brings my daughters to her house and she brings her kid to his place. She left her husband to be with mine. Two messed up people if you ask me.


Me (BS): 44
Children: 2 girls, ages 10 and 7
Divorced 8/1/2008

Posts: 122 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: NYS
ittybittya
Member
Member # 7527
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, April 14th (Saturday)

Ah....finally found this thread.

I was also left for the OW. My husband moved from our home directly in with her.....June 2005. Filing was done 20 days after I busted him and divorce was final by the end of October 2005.

Far as I know, they are still living and working together. Things aren't great tho. Guess their was some suspicion that she might be cheating on him with her XH...... oh surely not! You can't tell me that this woman that cheated on her husband atleast three times that we know of would honestly cheat on her SO (my exhusband)?!!!!

My children met her before our divorce was final. It was tough but I made it through that. Never met her personally because XH has gone to extremes to keep her well hidden.....lol....like I'd waste my time......

Probably the most difficult thing for me has been the single parenting and isolation. I am many miles from close family and don't have alot of close friends to help when needed. So I've become fairly self sufficient and know who to call when I can't do something myself.

Life goes on.....


...still has much to learn :-(

Posts: 13528 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Oklahoma
SithGoddess
Member
Member # 1246
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, April 14th (Saturday)

Thanks for the tip about the book, cassandra. I'll check my local library and see if they have it.

I'm fairly far out from D-Day now, but you never know...it still could give me some insight.

[This message edited by SithGoddess at 8:47 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]


"Life is hard. It's even harder when you're stupid." - Mango

Posts: 23401 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: Eastern Ontario
runaway
Member
Member # 8720
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, April 23rd (Monday)

I just posted this in general but I'd really appreciate advise from you guys who know what I'm talking about;

ok here goes...
D-day when x dropped his bombshell about the married OW and moved out that evening to be with her (claiming time to think etc. you know the story by now..) was nearly 2 years ago.

Divorce was hell as Married OW is a divorce lawyer specialising in children - though she admitted herself she hates kids before I knew any of this was going on. She meddled, stirred, advised my x against mediation, met kids behind my back, made up allegations about me (all disproved) etc etc.

Anyway, divorce was final on my birthday - august last year.

Apart from the OW taking every opportunity to gloat, turn up in her car at drop-off times etc. I've managed to pretty much avoid her - I blocked her from my email and try to ignore everything. (well at least hide my feelings from her and my babies)


so....last week I got a text message from my x's mobile:
Did you know FFFF had a one night stand with SSSS while he was married? X X

I texted back - whatever. I think I knew it was her - the OW, but my dad thought it might have been x's drunken mates maybe.

Next day X sends an apology (it's not heartfelt, x uses apologies to sort of say 'up yours' to people, me included) - Sorry, I see AAAAA (OW) got hold of my phone again. She just wants to hurt you but I think you are beyond that anyway. Sorry.

I cried. My mum (recovering from operation) cried. It does still hurt, even though I have someone else now in my life recently, who is a nice person who cares, it still hurts.

But I didn't reply. As usual I shut up and behaved. But my brother thinks I should write to her law firm and complain.

Part of me wants too because I think this is not just mean but bloody unprofessional - how dare someone like this be supposedly advising/acting for other women in my situation when she is causing this?

On the other hand will it just make things worse? X is totally in her pocket anyway and will just think I am being vindictive.

Wiser people than me - please advise


No one can hurt me unless I let them. I forgot that for a while. But I'm back now.

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: UK
Petrinka
Member
Member # 10167
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 24th (Tuesday)

Me too. My husband of 35 years (at the time) moved in immediately with the 4 times married skank and they have been living together now for over a year. Our son will not talk to him, and our daughter only talks to him if he calls her. We are expecting our first grandchild in a few months and he will not be a part of her life. My family (he only has a sister across the pond)want nothing to do with him, and our friends are all on my side.

He has thrown everything away for nothing but a sad illusion.


Divorced May 31, 2007

Posts: 245 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Nevada Desert
hester
Member
Member # 12288
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, April 26th (Thursday)

Runaway your situation sounds horrible. She sounds a really nasty piece but then I guess a lot of divorce lawyers get that way. Not sure if there is anything you can do as she is not acting for you in a professional capacity. You could look on the law society website and see if they have a code of conduct.

Posts: 370 | Registered: Oct 2006
Ron7127
Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, April 26th (Thursday)

Me, here. And, I agree. Susan Anderson's book was really good on this.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
runaway
Member
Member # 8720
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, April 26th (Thursday)

Thank you Hester. It all seems a lot of hassle and I really just want to move on. But god it is galling....

Which book is that Ron - if I google the author it should come up though shouldn't it - thanks


No one can hurt me unless I let them. I forgot that for a while. But I'm back now.

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: UK
Ron7127
Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, April 26th (Thursday)

I thin it was entitled "the Journey from Abandonment". It really gives lots of info, especially from a neuropscych standpoint, of the physiological basis of the feellings one expieiences from betrayal and rejection,
It truly is amazing that there is a chemical basis for the feelings one goes through. Makes you realize that what you are feeling is normal and expected. It helped me to see that my pain, anxiety,depression after the A and the loss was typical. We humans are a lot alike.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
runaway
Member
Member # 8720
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, April 27th (Friday)

Found it - just ordered it on Amazon, thanks Ron


No one can hurt me unless I let them. I forgot that for a while. But I'm back now.

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: UK
roadlesstraveled
Member
Member # 13501
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, April 27th (Friday)

I have that book (Journey from Abandonment to Healing) and it is a good one! Thanks Cassandra for the recommendation :)
I think I might own every book out there on divorce/separation/infidelity etc...I have made Amazon a very happy company this year in my attempt to gain as much info as possible about my situation! (It's the best I can do in lieu of a real counselor- they aren't available over here).

runaway:
yikes, the ow sounds like a total witch!! but overall I'd be willing to bet that she is extremely insecure. The fact that she bothers to send you messages/call/show up etc. means that you must have quite an effect on her. Otherwise, she wouldn't bother. You almost (note I said ALMOST!!) have to feel sorry for someone who is so desparate and has so little self-esteem. You obviously have the character and integrity to be the better person in this situation. Kudos to you

[This message edited by roadlesstraveled at 3:15 PM, April 27th (Friday)]


"Life is what happens when your plans go astray."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Jan 2007
runaway
Member
Member # 8720
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, April 27th (Friday)

awww - thanks

it doesn't feel that way most of the time though...

mind you on good days now I do feel really goood for not responding!


No one can hurt me unless I let them. I forgot that for a while. But I'm back now.

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: UK
baby_socks
Member
Member # 10336
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, April 29th (Sunday)

My ex left for the OP... well he wouldn't decide between either of us when given an ultimatium. I told him he had to call and end it with her, or I was ending it with him. He just couldn't end it with her. He wanted to some more time to "think things out" or basically some more time "to date both of us." So I threw his stuff out and filed for divorce. Still though I gave him multiple outs and possibilities to come back if he would just permenantly cut off all contact with and agree to be an open book and do lots of counseling. He wanted to.. .he really did... so he said... but he cared for her and loved me... maybe even loved her and couldn't make a decision. Obviously his indecision was a decision. He never had the balls to outright end it. I really think he thought I'd stick around for his fun and be there. He did say he wanted to leave a few times...and I mean he did... but he would always come back to how he loved me and didn't want to see it end. Yada yada. Words with no action... he made a decision to leave and a continued decision not to come back.

Today he still with OW. It's been a little over a year. They are playing married. He is wearing a wedding band, yet swears on his life they are not married. She just wanted to wear them, and he wasn't ready to get married... so he says. Who really knows.

OW just had the affair baby. It was conceived after he moved out, but we weren't divorced until months later.

He has at least two kids... mine and hers... and maybe her other one. She has 3 children under the age of 3.

He is miserable. Can't and won't say he's happy. And claims even though it's probably manipulation that he's sorry and regrets his decision every day of his life.

I still deal with a lot of emotions. But I no longer look at him with love, lust or extreme hatred.


I'm not your princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone, Some day
Who might actually treat me well.

Posts: 3454 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Indiana
tnt60
Member
Member # 12481
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 29th (Sunday)

baby socks, you say that you still have many emotions a year later. This is something a struggle with. My STBX left me almost 2 months ago and the emotions I'm struggling with is the rejection. It kills me.

I don't think that I love him. I don't miss him at all but I am jealous that he gets to be happy. I suppose the best way to describe how I feel is inferior to the OW. I guess once I get over this I'll be O.K.

I'm curious, what emotions are you still feeling? I ask because the feelings you describe about your EX seem so neutral.

[This message edited by tnt60 at 12:18 PM, April 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 142 | Registered: Oct 2006
baby_socks
Member
Member # 10336
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, May 5th (Saturday)

Tnt -- I am angry. Bitter. Cynical. Part of me has shut down and looks at the world and men in particular very negatively. I expect everyone to hurt me, betray me and leave me, so I don't let anyone in.


I'm not your princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone, Some day
Who might actually treat me well.

Posts: 3454 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Indiana
browneyedgrl
Member
Member # 14143
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, May 5th (Saturday)

I should be here too. My STBXWH claims that the fact that he can be with OW now that we are divorcing is a bonus...Even though they have been having an affair for 3 years, he left me because he couldn't live with me anymore..
Whatever!

But yes, I experience the same emotions that everyone else has talked about. Except, I still am very much in love with my Ass of a STBXWH. Wonder on a daily basis, what to do with all this love. Any suggestions??


BS 32
XH 43
married 7 years together 9 years
DS 4, the only thing that gets me through!!
Divorced 7/07
Moving on to my new life and HAPPY!!

"SDWF seeks NNPDNSNSACLTCSWM to have a possible long-term relationship."


Posts: 63 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: KY
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, May 8th (Tuesday)

Part of me has shut down and looks at the world and men in particular very negatively. I expect everyone to hurt me, betray me and leave me, so I don't let anyone in.

It hurts reading that becuase I feel the same way. I just found this thread, believe it or not, and I too belong to this abandonment group. :(


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
runaway
Member
Member # 8720
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, May 8th (Tuesday)

"Part of me has shut down and looks at the world and men in particular very negatively. I expect everyone to hurt me, betray me and leave me, so I don't let anyone in."

I used to feel like that - on very bad days I sort of do a little bit. Except that 2 yrs on I can honestly now say that the good days massively outnumber the bad - and my faith in men is gradually being restored. Men such as the ones on this site who have expressed their dismay and disgust at the behaviour of my X, men who I have met on a purely platonic basis who have told me that they too are appalled by such behaviour, and most recently a very sweet friend from many years ago who got in touch when he'd heard what had happened and who now is patiently waiting for me - for as long as I want him too, he says.

It does get better. I am still angry and bitter towards him, but my feelings approach pity more regularly these days - even for her too.

[This message edited by runaway at 5:50 PM, May 8th (Tuesday)]


No one can hurt me unless I let them. I forgot that for a while. But I'm back now.

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: UK
thewifey
Member
Member # 12577
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, May 10th (Thursday)

I am here now. I thought we were reconciling....but have found they "chat" nightly and when I demanded to see it, I was turned down. After a horrible fight and an ulitmatum....the man I love with all my heart and whom I KNOW loves me...left and is with HER. Doesn't say too much for what I thought I knew. I worked at this for 6 months....and now I'm tired


Happily Divorced 8/13/09

Posts: 241 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Upper Midwest
kurbanfan
Member
Member # 13733
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, May 10th (Thursday)

I am in this pool, too. But they are "just friends" that are starting to hang out. Oh - wait - they have been hanging out for over a year!!!!!!
Gotta laugh!


Life Ain't Always Beautiful - what a song by Gary Allan!


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: MN
mariusa
Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, May 10th (Thursday)

I belong here too.
I was given no chance. The MOW's H gave her an ultimatum and she ran. My STBXH ran right after her. Right to a hotel where they lived together for 3 months. I used to believe it was my H who seduced her but now I beleive differently. She wanted out of her marriage and what a great oppurtunity! My mom pointed out why did she run to a hotel...why didn't she run to her family. So they must have done some planning prior to being caught. Another clue was 5 days before he left, we were out having a great time and I'll never forget him saying "See we're really good together." I was like WTF???

All these little clues yet I was still clueless. But that is what we are suppose to do...trust our spouses, right?

With all the re-writting he has done over the past 4 months he now has me looking back at our relationship and thinking...hummmmm maybe it wasn't all rosey. The only problem is now I'm not seeing his re-write, I'm seeing my own. I've only been introduced to the term Narcissist recently but it fits my STBXH like a glove.
What was I thinking?????

Yes, the hardest part of this betrayal is dealing with the rejection....boy it hurts!!

Thanks for the Susan Anderson book recommendation. I just got an Amazon delivery today with included "Not Just Friends" and "Help, I'm in Love with a Narcissist".
Also someone recommended some of the Men are from Mars Women are from Venus books. She said they have a really good one on dating and another on getting over betrayal.
I have a lot of reading to do!

I read "Uncoupling" too. It was insightful.

[This message edited by mariusa at 12:18 PM, May 10th (Thursday)]


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
“Live without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
kurbanfan
Member
Member # 13733
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, May 10th (Thursday)

Mariusa - reading your reply feels like I am reading my own. You do start 2nd guessing yourself. It would/is be hard on me when he is with someone else but it is like a stab in the heart that he is with her. (At least that is where the arrow is pointing right now).
I just know that God is in control and that I can control myself and not what they decide to do. That gives me a little peace.


Life Ain't Always Beautiful - what a song by Gary Allan!


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: MN
mariusa
Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 10th (Thursday)

kurbanfan- I know that I will be fine on my own....I beleive there is a plan for me (all of us) but it's a bummer it has to hurt so bad to get there. Nobody knows hurt like this unless they've been there. That's why I love SI so much!
So, Yes, God is in control and we just have to try our best to plow throught this mess to fulfill whatever is in store for us for the future. I've learned a lot already!


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
“Live without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
didwhat
Member
Member # 14163
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, May 10th (Thursday)

I guess I belong here too. After 4 months of false reconciliation (he was still seeing her) I told him to get out. I then fly to NYC to be with my son (18). My H flies out a few days later to tell me I was the love of his life, best thing in his life, but he dosen't want to be my husband. Also says after I threw him out he realized that was what he really wanted all along..ouch. Now he stays with her every night, but says he is not living with her. I think just to protect her in her mediation. I have seen him a few times since. He claims the sex is so great he just can't give her up even though she has many "issues". Oh, like she started seeing another guy because he took too long to leave me. who are these people????javascript:AddSmily(' ')


first do no harm
me BS/54
him WH/53
Married 26yrs
Together 30 yrs
1 grown son

Posts: 610 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: calif
stl2betrayals
New Member
Member # 14442
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, May 11th (Friday)

I wanted to follow up on a book recommendation. Kristin Armstrong's (Lance Armstrong's ex-wife) has a book called Happily Ever After...surviving the first year of divorce. It is a daily devotional book and focuses A LOT about life having bigger and better plans for you (us) ahead. Even though some of you may not be going through a divorce, I wasnt when I first started reading it, but I still found it VERY helpful. On my bad days, I would read a few pages and think about what I read and felt much more at peace the rest of the day. I would recommend it for anyone in our situation, especially as an uplifting book. I am a reader and after my STBXH's A, I would read EVERYTHING I could and all the affair books, but I got to the point that I needed something positive and this book was it. One thing I read in the book that has always stuck with me, is that when she (Kristin, author) would feel her worst pain, she would picture God wrapping his glowing, warm hands around her heart and protecting her heart and shielding it from any more pain. That image stays with me on most days. Although the book is Christian based, I would think you could apply this to any higher power that you believe in.

Posts: 30 | Registered: May 2007 | From: St. Louis
stl2betrayals
New Member
Member # 14442
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, May 11th (Friday)

I posted this in the double betrayal forum also, but thought I would post it here as well.

I think a lot about R and if I could even take him back after all this??? Even though I wanted a chance at R, especially in the beginning when my world was crumbling, but now I am just not sure at this point. Some days I wonder if him leaving for her is God's way to avoid me any more pain. I know R could take years and it is HARD HARD, especially with the family connection with the A. I know in many cases it is worth it, but having this so close to my family (being my STBSIL and H) and we are all very close - we were both in my brother's and her wedding before they called it off b/c of the A and me and my WS are godparents to their child - my nephew) I just dont know if it would be possible for me and my brother and my family to get passed it - ever. If he decided to R right away, then I would be so tempted to work on our marriage and try to make it better, but I know it would be a long long road ahead, so some days I wonder if this is God's way of making it easier to move forward and avoid any additional hurt. Not sure if that sounds crazy...???


Posts: 30 | Registered: May 2007 | From: St. Louis
runaway
Member
Member # 8720
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, May 11th (Friday)

((stl))

No - it doesn't sound crazy at all. To me it makes perfect sense.


No one can hurt me unless I let them. I forgot that for a while. But I'm back now.

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: UK
just_s
Member
Member # 13240
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, May 11th (Friday)

Hi. Thought I'd check out this thread - funny haven't seen it before. My H left last Oct. Got the ILYBINILWY speech - later learned of the A although I had suspected. They are not together anymore - she chickened out when it was her turn to leave. OW and her H are in R - my H is still at his moms. We were false R for a while - then the missing time, the attitude, the cell phone calls - all began again. Heard last week he's in another A (nothing legal here yet) - he denies, denies, denies. But...

So- he left for her but isn't w/her - but I feel like I paid the biggest cost in all this - and my boys.

So that's my story in a short non-soap operaish nutshell. I will come back later to read thru the thread. Sorry to meet you all here at this place, but SI has been a saving grace many a time. S


Seek JOY

DDay - 12/14/06


Posts: 647 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: North Carolina
wherefromhere
Member
Member # 12663
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, May 11th (Friday)

Well I guess I belong here too. When we first separated he claimed it was just an EA and not PA, but shortly after he moved out I found evidence that it was a PA. He still insisted that it wasn't and that he just needed to be alone and find himself. All he really wanted to find was his way to her bed. She left her H too and they are together now. I don't know if they live together or not. Our kids are 19 & 16 and they are just starting to talk to him again. They still have still a lot of pain, but inspite of it all, they love their dad. I guess that's good. He fits them into his life when it's convinient. They are catching on so they do the same. When he asks to get together with him, they agree only if they have no other plans.

The pain of rejection is hard. But the pain I feel for the loss of the wholeness of my family is worse.

It's been over 8 months and I do still have alot of anger and hate for him and what he did. Like all the others he has been blaming me, our marriage, even our kids. I'll never understand how he can go on with his life as if he has done nothing wrong. He feels fully justified with what he has done.

Right now, it sucks to be me, but one day it will catch up to him and it's gonna suck to be him.

[This message edited by wherefromhere at 8:57 PM, May 11th (Friday)]


me - BS 45
WH - 44
OW - whore from work
M - 22 years
S 19 - D 16
d Day Sept. 06
filed Nov. 06
I hate him for making me hate him.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Nov 2006
christrics
Member
Member # 14452
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, May 11th (Friday)

Me, as well ... was told for a few weeks, "I'm confused .. must figure my life out ..."

I figured it out for him when I 'discovered' the A!
I filed for D and he moved OW in with him out-of-state ... leaving hid daughter & I abandoned ... no support ... no monetary help ... no TRUTHS ... no closure!!

Hugs - Christine -


Me:BS, 42
Him: WH, 45
Married 14 years
1DD- 9YO
Dday - Oct '06
OW- 23 YO; he was her boss
Divorce final -- 7/07

Posts: 242 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Michigan
luv2swim
Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)

UGh.... I phoned WH today... and OW answered the phone. Last time I spoke to her was when she picked up the phone in MY family home (where I grew up)... and WH was living with her, unknown to me at the time. I got chicken skin creeps in me. Her voice, just hearing her makes me not like her... and WH. All most like a PTSD reaction.

I just do not get my WH. He has lost me. Lost the respect of so many of our friends. Lost the respect of our teen boys. Lost his dogs (they are with me). We are selling the house we designed and built. And he is whining to me about money, and how much of his paycheck goes to support kids and I while he "suffers" in a most expensive rental house he now shares with OW, and which he paid a full year of rent in advance (so he could get a 5% discount!).

Stupid is, as stupid does.
I know my life will be much better without this man. And I know we are headed for divorce on the grounds his brains have travelled too far south for me to cope with him. But still... I just can not believe this past year plus. I can not believe this was the man I loved so much... and just knew, knew KNEW I would spend the rest of my life with.

I now know it has much less to do with me, and whatever it is I did, or did not do. But still... I wish I could turn the clock back two or three years, and play over a few things. Change some decisions made.

At the moment I am pretty sure I do not want him back. Not after the disrespect of the last 6 months. From WH... and his mother and father (they divorced after the father did precisely what WH is now doing!). Still... I had no idea I was signing up for this particular roller coaster ride when I married WH.

Makes me sad. And darn it... selling the house, moving again (number 20 in twenty years of marriage), makes me plum pissed off! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

(end of vent... thanks all, I feel better!)


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married 24 years -
2 fantastic kids!

divorced 2009


D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married and still together (as far as I know).


Posts: 400 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
Beautiful
Member
Member # 4723
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, May 15th (Tuesday)

I am glad this thread is here. When I first joined SI or when I first POSTED to SI, my H had left and filed. All I got was "I'm not happy". I was blindsided. I couldn't post on JFO and at the time, I wasn't ready to post on Sep/Div. I was so full of pain.

I was truly devastated. If you read the 'not just friends' excerpt that was copied earlier in the thread, that's what I experienced. It took (is taking) years.

I tend to deal with pain and loss by trying to bury it and besides, folks are sick of hearing about my pain caused by the Affair and D.

I used to say, it would have been easier if he died - folks would have told me what a great guy he was and brought me casseroles.

He now lives with teh ow in her custom built house out in the countyside. I struggle to keep my house and family together.

Yanno what is so hard? I didn't know we had a bad marriage. For 15 years, I thought we were pretty lucky. We had fun, we got along great, we have a nice house, good friends, great kids. I was not a good wife, I was a GREAT wife. I didn't nag, whine or bitch. He had a lot of freedoms. I didn't wig out over his friends, some of which were women. I just calmly stated my concerns - like "Your relationship with G makes me feel uncomfortable". Now how's THAT for diplomatic? (he charmed me in his usual way, made some remark about me being the only one and I felt better).

It has been FOUR years for me and I am still not 'over it'. Like the Shirley Glass excerpt, there was no D day, no exposure, no opportunity for closure.

It bothers me that he and that home-wrecker can saunter into kid events like they've done nothing wrong. It still hurts to see them together. I've never confronted them.

It hurts to know that I didn't do ANYTHING to cause our divorce, yet I have paid the price emotionally, medically (HBP), and financially. My boys are still struggling at times.

My SO lost his wife to cancer, so he can say wonderful things about her and their M. It seems like I am not suppose to talk about my marriage in a positive way or *I want him back*.

I DON'T want him back, but I can't rewrite 15 years of marriage because HE wanted a divorce.

I see that word divorc, and it still makes me cry. I never ever wanted this. I still don't. I hate seeing him happy with her. I hate it. What was so wrong with me?

How do you guys get thru the days, months, and years?

Now that I've vented, I feel better. Praying helps too.

[This message edited by Beautiful at 4:37 PM, May 15th (Tuesday)]





Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: from the land of steady habits
tamarack
Member
Member # 14554
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, May 16th (Wednesday)

I've been posting in the JFO forum, but I guess I belong here as well.

A quick summary of my story:

H goes on an out-of-state business trip, as he often does. Calls me out of the blue demanding a divorce and says don't call him again. I get mad and cancel his cell phone.

May 2, 2007, H shows up at my house to pick up his stuff. Says he met the love of his life, his soul mate, on his business trip, and they're planning to get married and start a new family.

H brought OW back to our hometown. They stay as a couple at a local hotel, and H flaunts her all over town, introducing her as his fiancee.

Eventually, H brings OW to our house to introduce our kids to their "step mom". OW practially assaults me in front of the kids. What a nutcase.

Finallyl, H and OW leave state and return to OW's hometown, so she can get her D going. Did I mention she is married???

Meanwhile, H's behavior is getting crazier and crazier. He tries to steal $8,000 in company funds, and goes crazy when I catch it just in the nick of time. H wants me to sign everything I own over to him for a fraction of what it's worth. H left me here high and dry, without a dime to my name and with zero financial support.

Meanwhile, H and OW have been enjoying a nice, long early honeymoon. They're planning to get married just as soon as both of them get their divorce.


Me: 44 WH: almost 60, sociopath
OW: 56-year-old nutcase
married 10 years, 2 kids (14 & 15)
DDay: 5/2/07
divorced

"I had no back up plan. Just freefalling till I landed" - TrainerCarrie


Posts: 3562 | Registered: May 2007 | From: suburbs of Denver, CO
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, May 16th (Wednesday)

Beautiful,

I used to say, it would have been easier if he died

I still say that. I have told X that. Then I would not have to deal with his shit. I would have the loss and grief, but no the feeling of rejection and abandonment.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Beautiful
Member
Member # 4723
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, May 17th (Thursday)

dreamboat, I feel the pain of rejection too. I have to tell myself over and over:

"ex is not a good person. ow is not a good person. ex lies and cheats. He has not changed.ex and ow got exactly what they both deserve." (each other)

Meanwhile, on my real good days, I realize how lucky I am to not have to live with ex. He has made some very bad decisions in his life and I went along with them, because, well, I was his wife and I wanted him to know that I was his biggest advocate.

I was a good wife to him and if I want, I'll be a good wife to a more deserving fellow someday.

[This message edited by Beautiful at 10:32 PM, May 17th (Thursday)]





Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: from the land of steady habits
Niteowl57
Member
Member # 13734
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, May 25th (Friday)

I got strung along for over six months thinking that she may want to R. She should have just told me she was living with him and we were done..It just hurts so bad..She blames everything on me too...


If we couldn't laIugh we'd all go insane-Jimmy Buffet
D DAY September 6,09
We are both 51
Her still her as a roomate


Posts: 679 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
budapest
Member
Member # 14315
Default  Posted: 3:24 AM, May 25th (Friday)

Guess I am here too now.


Me BW (42)
DD 8
Divorced
Now married to a wonderful man!

Posts: 383 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Portland
Beautiful
Member
Member # 4723
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, May 31st (Thursday)

welcome all.

I have a lot of demons still chasing me after the divorce I didn't want.

My ex never ever admitted the A. We never had a real 'D' day. We've never had a fight, I've never confronted ow. I kept thinking he'd *get it* and come home if he felt he had a loving un-hostile environment to come home to. It didn't work.

As a result, there's been no closure for me. My friend doesn't understand that and well, says, after 4 years, I should be 'over it'. I'm not. I have more good days than bad, but no, I'm not over *it* - the trauma of the A, the D the pain (oh, the pain) and humiliation of getting divorced. Finally, seeing them together is so hurtful.

When I see them together, I cringe. I won't speak to her. I will not let either of them EVER feel that I have accepted their actions and behaviors as acceptable and by speaking to them, I feel I am doing that. Besides, what would I say?

Tell me, please that I have the right to feel this way. I don't have anyone else to discuss this with.

[This message edited by Beautiful at 3:45 PM, May 31st (Thursday)]





Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: from the land of steady habits
tnvolpa
Member
Member # 14185
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, May 31st (Thursday)

I was going to post some questions for everyone, to see how similar we all are.

1. How long was the A pre d-day? Try to reply in months.
approx. 1 month.

2. Any attempt at reconciliation? If so, how many months of trying?
None.

3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP?
2 months, the wound is still fresh..

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?
From what I can tell she is leaving her husband.

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?
Of course I would because I'm a complete and utter DUMB A**. Once I get past realizing that then Heck no, I deserve better!!! Currently moving on, taking care of me!
Many blessings to all of you who are survivors!!


edited b/c I'm a DA and forgot to answer my own questions.

[This message edited by tnvolpa at 11:20 PM, June 1st (Friday)]


"I almost fell into that hole in your life." Goo goo dolls

Posts: 137 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: TN
Beautiful
Member
Member # 4723
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, May 31st (Thursday)

1. How long was the A pre d-day? Try to reply in months.

A started, I think, in Dec 99. 'D' day (the day I found out) was 38 months later.

2. Any attempt at reconciliation? If so, how many months of trying?
He filed in 3/03. In July, he came back and asked me to R, but it was half-hearted and by August, he was back with ow. THEN, about a week after the D was final, he was calling me, asking me out to lunch, etc... That went on for 3 months. Then he asked to come home (his lease was up). I said that would be a disaster as we've never resolved why he left. SO, he moves in with ow. AND, he starts calling me again, coming by, sending me cute e-mails. In May, he buys me a 'To my Wife' mother's day card. Talk about CONFUSED (me)!! He asked again if we could get back together and finally, after some 'hysterical bonding', I said yes.

I still don't know what happened after that day. His entire demeanor changed in one day. He was back in 'the fog'.

That's when I said 'enough' and stopped talking to him. He hurt me so bad over and over.

3. How many months has it been since D-day, havet they been w/ OP?

ow and ex have been together for 3 1/4 years after D day.

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?

ow was newly D when she hooked up with my H. No kids. She was a new hire in his company. I am assuming they didn't know each other prior to 9/99, but who knows?

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?

See #2 above. He never really begged or pleaded, but tried to gloss over the entire event. His attempts were not sincere and I knew that. Would I take him back? No. I would start talking to him if he dumps the ow or if they break up - not likely as I saw the giant diamond on her hand not too long ago.
It's okay, they deserve each other.

Sorry for the long-winded reply....

[This message edited by Beautiful at 9:46 PM, May 31st (Thursday)]





Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: from the land of steady habits
tamarack
Member
Member # 14554
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, May 31st (Thursday)

How long was the A pre d-day? Try to reply in months.

Maybe a week at the most. They literally just met


Any attempt at reconciliation? If so, how many months of trying

Nope, none. On dday, STBX started openly shacking up with OW. He tried to pull the "I'm so confused, I can't make up my mind" BS in front of me a couple of times, giving me hope that maybe there could be a chance at R, but of course he never broke it off with OW.


How many months has it been since D-day, havet they been w/ OP?

They've been joined at the hip since dday. They're going on a whole month now.


Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?

OW is married, apparently refusing to get D. She and her H have been living in separate states for years, so I'm assuming they have an "open marriage". OW has two adult children, who are almost as old as I am.


Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?

I don't know. However, it'll never happen. STBX just keeps burning his bridges, and gets meaner and more vindictive the more time goes by.



Me: 44 WH: almost 60, sociopath
OW: 56-year-old nutcase
married 10 years, 2 kids (14 & 15)
DDay: 5/2/07
divorced

"I had no back up plan. Just freefalling till I landed" - TrainerCarrie


Posts: 3562 | Registered: May 2007 | From: suburbs of Denver, CO
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, June 1st (Friday)

Beutiful,
you are not alone in how you feel. The OW in my life is lower than a worm. I will not aknowledge her by name. I have not seen her in a very long time, but the last few times I saw her I either completely ignored her, or if forced to aknowedge her, I berated her and intimidated her. I distinctly recal one time she was in MY house. She was on the deck with X (wh at the time) making puppy dog eyes at him. I stood in the kitchen in direct line of her and just starred at her. X came in "Stop looking at her!!" ha ha ha -- MY house asshole!! God, that was sooo long ago!! FINALLY, she decided it was best to leave. As she left I simply said "bitch, slut, whore". That is all she will ever be to me. She has no name. She is Awhore.

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, June 1st (Friday)

1. How long was the A pre d-day? Try to reply in months.
- 3-4 months

2. Any attempt at reconciliation? If so, how many months of trying?
A few pathetic attempts at R where he claimed to go NC, but did not. He was a definite cake eater, wanting us both.

3. How many months has it been since D-day, havet they been w/ OP?
Almost exactly 2 years (d-day is June 5). He is still with her. In fact, I believe he is visiting her this week even though he insisted that DD visit him—he left her behind….

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?
OW was M to X’s cousin. He committed suicide 6 months prior to the A. X said that he NEEDED to help her with her grief. That I should be thankful that he is still alive. I would choose his death over this hell any day of the week

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?
As I mentioned before, he tried a couple of times, but never was committed, never went NC. When I committed to D, I KNEW it was the right thing. I will NEVER take him back as a partner in life. However, I will “mark” him with sex if the opportunity presents itself. And yes, I know I am evil


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
roadlesstraveled
Member
Member # 13501
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, June 1st (Friday)

1. How long was the A pre d-day? Try to reply in months.

I didn't find out about the A until 4 months after he left me for no reason. From what I can piece together from their emails, he started really getting involved with her in Spring 2006. There was first an EA while she was pregnant/married that turned into a PA. So, I would say that the affair had been going on at least 5 months by the time he left me, if not longer. They are still together.

2. Any attempt at reconciliation? If so, how many months of trying?

Absolutely none. I didn't even know there WAS an OW when he left me. I was clueless. He called me 4 months after leaving me to tell me that he had just started "dating" someone, nothing serious. Ha ha ha-


3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP?

We didn't really have a "d-day", although in Feb. I did tell him that I knew he had an affair, I just didn't have many details (now I have all the details). Don't know how long the affair was going on while they worked together, but I know for sure they have been together since June 2006. He currently lives with his mom 3 hours away from OW, but I think they are planning a wedding/honeymoon already.


4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?

OW was married while she was having the A with my H. She has 1 child, 16 months old.
She D her husband in March 2007.

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?

After everything I know today? NO. But I have no illusions that he will come back, ever. He seems quite happy with his new love and life. He has never looked back and I doubt he will. We'll see if he feels any guilt or remorse at all when he sees me for the first time in August. It will have been 9 months since we have seen each other. My guess is that it just won't affect him that much.
Too much damage has been done for us to ever be together again. I'm learning to accept that and move on, but it's hard.


"Life is what happens when your plans go astray."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Jan 2007
budapest
Member
Member # 14315
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, June 1st (Friday)

1) 4 1/2 months. See my profile.

2) No real attempts at R, just some cakeeating, fence sitting BS about how "confused" he is and how his feelings change day to day.

3)So far two months but D day was April 1st and he had moved out February 15 but I didn't know there was an A just believed him when he said he was depressed.

4)Married no kids but her H lives in another country so I really don't know what kind of marriage they have.

5) No he has not tried to come back and no I would not take him back. I am still in revenge fantasy mode though so I might for a month and send OW photos!


Me BW (42)
DD 8
Divorced
Now married to a wonderful man!

Posts: 383 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Portland
tnvolpa
Member
Member # 14185
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, June 1st (Friday)

"mark him" LOL!!! That is the funniest thing I've read today dreamboat!

[This message edited by tnvolpa at 11:16 PM, June 1st (Friday)]


"I almost fell into that hole in your life." Goo goo dolls

Posts: 137 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: TN
runaway
Member
Member # 8720
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, June 3rd (Sunday)

1. How long was the A pre d-day? Try to reply in months.
approx.

at least 1 year - our youngest was approx. 9 months old when it began

2. Any attempt at reconciliation? If so, how many months of trying?

one bizarre day when he lied and said he'd left her and wanted to work on us. then went back to her house to get some things, needless to say, he did not return

3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP?

d-day was one week from returning from romantic break with me and while H is house hunting for a bigger place for us all - H phones from office and says he has been having an affair (true), with a divorce lawyer(true), oh and she's married (true) but leaving her husband (was news to him) who is abusive (other way round it turned out - she hits him) He left that night. He's never looked back and they are still together 2 years on.

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?

She's a divorce lawyer - she thoroughly enjoyed making the most unpleasant divorce possible and actively participated in prolonging our divorce, encouraging H to try to force us out of MY house by trying to bankrupt us and applying for custody of children purely to reduce child support and then never take the dates applied for....etc

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?

If it had just been the affair - yes. But his behaviour has been positively cruel and vindictive. I loathe him.


No one can hurt me unless I let them. I forgot that for a while. But I'm back now.

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: UK
Jimi40
Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 5th (Tuesday)

1. How long was the A pre d-day? Try to reply in months.

2 1/2 months.

2. Any attempt at reconciliation? If so, how many months of trying?

This is our 4th try.
#1 6 weeks
#2 2 weeks
#3 3 weeks
this time we are at 2 months.

3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP?

23 months since dday

21 months off and on

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?

Single, probably kids he doesn't support or know of.

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?

I am, and yes


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 5th (Tuesday)

1. How long was the A pre d-day?
20 Days. (they knew each other in HS.) He contacted her on March 2nd and March 22nd was D-Day.

2. Any attempt at reconciliation? If so, how many months of trying?
He does not want to Reconcile.

3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP? Its been a little over 2 months since D-day as of this writting and he has been with OP since he contacted her.


4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?
The OP is single and has two childrend from 2 different fathers.


5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried? I would allow him to come pleading back to me and have him beg for a few days before I send him packing. But as of yet, he has not tried and don't expect him to.



You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
jamiep
Member
Member # 14643
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 7th (Thursday)

1. How long was the A pre d-day?
They met in March. EA approx. 1 month, PA 1 week


2. Any attempt at reconciliation? If so, how many months of trying?
Nope

3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP?
3 weeks today. He's been staying with her


4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?
single- she's only 20


5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?
Honestly I would, but it wont ever happen


Me: BS
Him: WH
Together 8 years, even surviving 19 months of separation while he was in Iraq
D-day: 5/16/07 (12 hours after I gave birth to our second child)
5/17/07- I kicked him out

D filed on 7/5/07. FINALLY final on 10/13/09


Posts: 311 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Tennessee
didwhat
Member
Member # 14163
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, June 9th (Saturday)

A was 8 months before Dday

At first we both wanted to R. However, he never had true NC. After 4 months and 2 more DDays I threw him out/he left.

He's been gone about 2 months. I've seen him a few times to talk about divorce.

OP is single/two kids. Her SO had just left her. She was so sad she had to have my H. (her email to me)

He doesn't want to come back, I can't deal with the idea of getting her STDs. I'm outta here.


first do no harm
me BS/54
him WH/53
Married 26yrs
Together 30 yrs
1 grown son

Posts: 610 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: calif
bailey36
Member
Member # 7287
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, June 14th (Thursday)

1. How long was the A pre d-day? Try to reply in months.

D-day was 5/04. From what i was told when he was caught it was only 6 months. From what i later found out it started in 11/99. So i didn't even find out till 5 years later when i busted him.

2. Any attempt at reconciliation? On my part yes, on his no. He originally made the no-contact call to OW while i listened and two days later when he went back to work they talked again (this i also found out after the fact). He agreed to counseling (never went). Agreed to try to work on marriage and make changes (he only went underground more).

I considered us reconciling from May of 04 until Feb. of 05, when i found emails and IM's on the computer. That was when i got the full picture of how long, how many years, how many feelings, etc.

3. How many months has it been since D-day, havet they been w/ OP?

I believe they are still together and never stopped. So you can figure from 1999 until now, with 2 ddays in between.

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?

The OW was married when they first got together with older children. She has been divorced since 2003 now.

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?

He tried to gloss things over the first Dday. He didn't bother the second. He out and out told me the only reason he would stay was for the kids. No, i take that back..the only reason he would even 'try' was for the kids. He has physcially been on the couch since the 2nd dday. He is a good dad and does everything possible to keep the kids happy. But things have gotten so bad between us it is no longer worth it.

He is looking for an apartment now and i have hired a lawyer and we are going to try and do as much as possible by agreement. But its over. I gave it more than my best shot and i'm not sticking around for confirmation of a third dday. I know in my heart she is still around. And if anyone can stay with someone that long through all of turmoil we've been through and still love her, and i can see in his eyes how miserable he really is... then they can have each other.

Would i take him back? Never..


Married 11 yrs.
3 kids
Two D-days less than 8 months apart. Same OW. Waiting on the 3rd now.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2005
seeking wisdom
Member
Member # 14156
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, June 15th (Friday)

This the thread where I belong, and the issue my mind strays to most often – how could the man I had spent almost twenty years with, the man with whom I had a fiercely beloved child, abandon me and our marriage and our family so abruptly and finally and with so little communication for a person of so little substance?

1. How long was the A pre d-day? Try to reply in months.

Affair began as EA, lasted 24 months, then I believe morphed to PA in the two months before 2nd/ final dday. But there was at least one escort visit in there about 8 months before final dday.

2. Any attempt at reconciliation? If so, how many months of trying?

I tried desperately to save our marriage for four months after first being told that my spouse was unhappy in our marriage via the ILYBNILWY speech, through 2 ddays. At first, no acknowledgment of any other party. Then, about 1-1/2 month in, he admitted visiting a sex-worker. But he vehemently, repeatedly denied any feelings for OP (though I had been uncomfortable with the intensity of their friendship for two years; though her husband had informed me the previous fall that she was in love with my H; and though they were joined at the hip at church, like two little magnets that kept finding themselves stuck together so that friends from church suspected the A – but didn’t tell me). Altogether went through four months of gaslighting and blameshifting – throughout, spouse insisted that the end of marriage was all about me, my inadequacies; spouse said in front of two separate MC s that there was no other person involved.. Finally admitted relationship with OP; admitted that he was leaving the marriage to be with her. I stopped wanting reconciliation – the realization of the magnitude of the lies ended my trust.

3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP?

One year now since 2nd (final) dday. Never left OP.

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?

OP was leaving her husband during the relationship with my spouse; she is now divorced. She has two children; one was best friends with my child. Met this family through church (where they still, very publically, conduct their relationship). After a year of staying on there to support my daughter, new church for me!

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?

After all that lying, it would take *years* of strenuous, earnest therapy on my STBX’s part for me to be willing to let him in my life again. Don’t see that happening. Having watched my H ignore my child to pay attention to the OP, I frankly don’t think I want him back in my life. There is something of vital importance missing in his core self, a flaw lodged at a deep, characterological level. But spouse has never tried any form of reconciliation. He dallied about filing, so I did, and now am simply waiting for the divorce to be final.


BS in WXH's exit affair.
Hold the fort. It gets better.

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: nyc
jaykaydee
Member
Member # 14855
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, June 20th (Wednesday)

1. How long was the A pre d-day? Try to reply in months.

10 He dated her for a year before he moved in with her. Since he worked with her, he would set up "team building" after work exercises. I protested, "These are dates". They were rollerblading, amusement parks etc.

2. Any attempt at reconciliation? If so, how many months of trying?

Not on his part. His heart wasn't in it and you can't make it happen alone. I am very resentful that he made me go on "dates" with him to try to help our marriage when he knew all along about the OW, but I didn't. No wonder he was a wet blanket and didn't have any fun.

3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP?

I got the ILYBINILWY speech 12/26/06. Found out about the physical affair on 2/9/07. False R in Feb, kicked him out after he made contact in March and he moved in with her.

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?

single, but had a boyfriend with a vasectomy. When I saw her newly purchase house, I said to my H, this isn't a house for someone who isn't going to have kids. This is a house of someone who wants a family. I didn't know it was mine she wanted. Two months later my H moved in with her.

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?
No and No.


ME- BS 41
HIM - WS 39
OW - employee of WS
DDay 2/9/07



Posts: 628 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Manchester, CT
tabby
New Member
Member # 13153
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 22nd (Friday)

Wow, there are a lot of us in this boat. I don't know how to feel about that. Is this somehow normal? Is this really just the way things happen in love, like my H has tried to tell me? What a terrible thought.

To answer the questions:

1. How long was the A pre d-day? Try to reply in months.

According to him it was just an EA until a week after he moved out. I got the ILYBINILWY speech, then the announcement that he had "feelings" for OW but nothing had happened yet "because he was married" (um, he was still married to me a week later when something DID happen). I'd suspected he'd had a crush on her for awhile. She's remarkably attractive, unfortunately.

2. Any attempt at reconciliation? No. At first he played it as if he just needed some time and space to sort things out, but it quickly became clear that he was just plain going for it with the OW.

3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP?

Just over 6 months now.

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?

OW was engaged (her second engagement at the age of 22). She ditched her fiance the day after H left me.

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?
No. And no. But I sure wish he would try. I have this overpowering need for him to realize what a fool he's been. I don't think it will ever happen though.


Well we all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Canada
luv2swim
Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, June 22nd (Friday)

1. How long was the A pre d-day? Try to reply in months.

Four and a half months. However, I got the ILYBIMNILWY speech with-in a month of his meeting her. Got the "we are separated speech" a few weeks later (worth noting nothing changed from my or our children's perspective: clothing still in closets, his watch on the night stand, he gone for a week or more due to work requirements, and still sleeping with me.

A week after that he came home without his wedding ring. Told me he just knew he was going to have sex with someone with-in the year. Just knew it! But no (liar liar pants on fire), he did not have anyone in mind.


2. Any attempt at reconciliation? If so, how many months of trying?

None.
Lots of gaslighting, vaporizing, shimmering and blame shifting. It is all my fault btw. Incase anyone should ask.


3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP?

Full time, 100% with her... a full year now. Moved her into the home I grew up in (what a guy, eh...and she, so compassionate too!)... finally moved out and got a place of their own for the past 6 months.

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?

never married, no kids, 16 years my younger. Aaaaaaand, my H is her 3rd married man in a row. And all have had kids.
Must be a coincidence... NOT!

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?

Not sure.
With a lot of conditions, possibly. NC being foremost, IC for him (doing mine), MC for us. An apology at some point and offer from him to make ammends.

Do I think this likely...
nope.

[This message edited by luv2swim at 9:03 PM, June 22nd (Friday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married 24 years -
2 fantastic kids!

divorced 2009


D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married and still together (as far as I know).


Posts: 400 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, June 30th (Saturday)

serJR checking in...
WW left the house June 19th.

1. How long was the A pre d-day? Try to reply in months.

I'm going to guess maybe starting 6 months before. Hard to say as it's the 'not just friends' story with a coworker/(her 'soulmate').

2. Any attempt at reconciliation? If so, how many months of trying?

Nothing yet. She did attend once session of MC but deliberately mislead the counselor and did it only to justify her leaving.

3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP?

They started officially dating the next night. D-day was May 3. They feel justified that they have done nothing wrong since it wasn't official and they hadn't had sex before D-Day (where she quickly shouted 'separation!")

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?

POS is not legally married but has a wife and 2 kids. He still lives with them (but they are 'separated'). My WW and I are sharing custody of a 2.5 year-old son.

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?

She hasn't tried. Apparently the marriage was killing her and I'm quite a scumbag. Would I take her back? If she would put a whole-hearted effort into it and truly reflect on what she has done... I would try R. Is she going to come back? Don't know, but I have no false illusions of it happening.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
smn117
New Member
Member # 15091
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, July 1st (Sunday)

My WH separated from me in Feb '07...he thought maybe absence would make his heart grow fonder of me and realize why he loved me in the first place and if he'd miss me. But soon after him leaving, I found out the OW basically lives with him...she also works with him. A few months ago when I talked to him he said he was going to date a bunch of people and he's having a great time. It has only been this OW though and he is getting "in" with her family...I am not sure if he brings her to his side of the family's events, but I highly doubt it since he is ashamed for what he is doing, yet he won't stop. My issue is, I have 2 young children that love this OW and they tell me all the stuff they all go do together. Just last week my WH came into my room at 3 AM to apologize for hurting me and we talked for 2 hours and it seemed like the fog was lifting and he said he needed to get away from the OW so he and I can figure this out, but he hasn't. It really bothers me that he does stuff with her family. If he's getting that involved, do you think it is possible for him to want to R with me someday? I keep going back and forth with what I want. I am alone here as my family lives many states away, I moved here to be with him and bc i have the kids, i can't move back "home"...if I'm going to be here I want to be with him. I get so lonely. I have friends, but I miss my "family"-his family. I miss him too...just not "this" him. Anyone's WH R after being so active in the OW's family?


Me BS 30 y/o
Him WH 32 y/o
Married nearly 7 years
Together for 12
Kids: 2.5 & 5
WS lives with OW
Separated 2/07
****************
My sun will always shine even though some days may be cloudy.
****************

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: PA
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, July 2nd (Monday)

((smn117))

I don't think he is coming out of the fog. I think he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear. He is cake eating and stringing you along. I know this is hard to hear and hard to accept. My X strung me along for a year, promising NC and all sorts of things.

You story is very similar to mine -- met in college, thought he was the love of my life, then 20 years later he "fell in love" with OW. But he was not ready to let go of me. He wanted both of us.

It sounds like your WH also wants both you and OW. Because he knows how much you love him, he is playing you. But he LEFT you to be with her. He LEFT his children to be with her.

You need to be strong right now. Try to eat. Try to get some rest. You don't have to make any decisions right now.

((hugs))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 9th (Monday)

Just a quick update.
WW dumped the OMM (or is it POS - I'm still learning the acronyms). She hasn't come back though and is showing no interest in trying again with me.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
hargreaves
New Member
Member # 14910
What?  Posted: 2:21 PM, July 9th (Monday)

Some days I wonder if him leaving for her is God's way to avoid me any more pain. If he decided to R right away, then I would be so tempted to work on our marriage and try to make it better, but I know it would be a long long road ahead, so some days I wonder if this is God's way of making it easier to move forward and avoid any additional hurt. Not sure if that sounds crazy...???

When I first found out about my wife's affair, I was angry at God for causing me all this pain. Like why didn't he warn me a long time ago not to get involved with her?

But your message has actually opened my eyes to the possibility that maybe he's doing it now. Maybe there's a future pain that is worse than this. Maybe it's better for this to happen to me at 30 than at 40 or 50.


Me: BH 30
Her: WW 31
Married: 7.5 years, together 13
D-Day: 06/08/07

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Stockton, CA
clickgo
Member
Member # 14748
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)

1. How long was the A pre d-day? EA for 1 mo, PA for 3 1/2 mo.

2. Any attempt at reconciliation? Tried to but realized that it was a false R. NC was never established. If so, how many months of trying? less than 2 mo.


3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP?
Almost 3 mo. WH doesn't live w/ her yet but I have a feeling they'll move in together soon.

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?
OW's divorce will be coming through in Sept. Wouldn't be surprised if WH marries her after our D goes through since she's "the one".

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?
No. I gave it my all and there's been too much damage done at this point.


BS (me) 35
WH 42
D-Day 4/17/07
Separated 6/2/07
d-day # 2 7/2/07 NC was never established
3/17/08-Lawyer just called and said it's official DIVORCED

Posts: 185 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NY
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 10th (Tuesday)

"Just a quick update.
WW dumped the OMM (or is it POS - I'm still learning the acronyms). She hasn't come back though and is showing no interest in trying again with me. "

Nope, I was wrong. They're planning on getting back together now.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
mer1ins
Member
Member # 11607
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, July 10th (Tuesday)

1. How long was the A pre d-day? It's impossible to say. According to WH he's loved OW for years. She was a friend of the family (isn't that ironic?) who use to tell me that WH was like a brother to her.


2. Any attempt at reconciliation? I tried. He claimed he wanted to but then I found out he was still in contact with the skank.

If so, how many months of trying? I got confirmation of the affair in March (just days after our 27th wedding anniversary), kicked him out of the house in May (when I discovered he was still in contact with her), let him come home two days later and then kicked him out again in August when he refused to call OW in front of me and tell her it was over. He moved in with her the same night.


3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP? 17 months since D-day and on 8/2/07 he will have been living with her for a year.

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids? OW was separated from her 2nd husband at the time I became aware of the affair. She had left her second husband in Alabama to move back in with her first husband here. After a few weeks her second husband (first ex-husband) kicked her out. That's when she hooked up with my WH. I don't know whether she's legally divorced or not. She has no kids; is unable to have them. Guess she thought she was getting a ready-made family when she hooked up with WH but none of our kids want anything to do with her and they have very little to do with WH.

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?
Sadly, yes. I would take him back. I'm angry at myself that I'd even consider letting him back after all the crap he's done and said but a 28 year history is hard to just walk away from.


The truth may set you free, but first it will shatter the safe, sweet way you live - Sue Monk Kidd

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. (Rabbi Julius Gordon)

BH/WH - 51
FWW/BW - 54


Posts: 1225 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: FL
ketch37
Member
Member # 14986
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 11th (Wednesday)

"I love you but I am not in love with you"....What the hell is that garbage. That is like "I have to go to the bathroom but I don't have the urge to go."

Sorry, venting here. My wife currently has been having an EA with "sum yung guy" for about 2 months now. All of a sudden, she takes a trip to L.A. (He lives in Pheonix). Now with that being said. She had an affair 6 years ago, and I took her back. Now, she states that I haven't trusted her for 6 years and she cant take it anymore. Now wants a divorce because she didn't like the fact that I accused her of having and EA with someone. Being half right/half wrong....Wrong person but EA with said person above. Looking like it is now turning to a PA.

The worst part is that my daughter is in the middle. She only gets attention when the WW wants it. Otherwise it is "I am on the computer, leave me alone." She was talkin to him in the car on speakerphone and she didn't want to, and got yelled at for it. She is told by her mom continually to keep secrets and not to tell me. Now, I warned my wife not to get her involved because it is not healthy for her and one day she will not like her for it. I also said that if she continues, it is going to force our daughter to choose a side.

Well too late. My daughter is tired of listening to her and has picked a side. Against my wishes.

I am not the best person in the world, not by a long shot, but know how to change. I have been making strides for bout 5 years tweeking myself to be what she wanted me to be (until she started chatting again and talking to sum yung guy)--my mistake. I should have said I am changing for me and if you don't like it...Tough doo-do.


"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." Mark Twain

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Alaska
jaykaydee
Member
Member # 14855
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 15th (Sunday)

Ketch,
So sorry to hear about your situation, and your daughter.


ME- BS 41
HIM - WS 39
OW - employee of WS
DDay 2/9/07



Posts: 628 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Manchester, CT
TotallyFaithful
Member
Member # 14417
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, July 16th (Monday)

(((Hugs For My You My Cyber Friends))),

This has not happened to me but I just wanted to say to each of you how touching your stories are. My heart really breaks for each and every one of you. This is so grossly unfair!

I commend each of you for your strength, dignity and wisdom.

No one escapes anything in life. The people that have betrayed you will pay for this in some form or another. When it happens, I hope that you hear about it, feel better and thank yourselves for refusing to be disrespected and live your lives, with them, down in the gutter of life.

May God bless and keep you all.

Totally Faithful


Posts: 482 | Registered: Apr 2007
lra90
Member
Member # 9281
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)

1. How long was the A pre d-day?

It started Jan '05, our d-day was Dec '05.

2. Any attempt at reconciliation?

Yes, for about 6 days and then he had to call her and they started up again.

3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP?

It's been 19 months and they are still seeing each other. They have sleepovers once or twice a week at her friend's place. He goes with her to pick up her kids from their dad's.

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?

Yes, SHE is still married to her BH. They have been separated since Oct '05. She has 3 kids who live with their dad 2 states over from ours. She recently just started getting them every other weekend-only after my WH started making her feel like a loser mom for not seeing her kids more.

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?

No. I would have last year, but too much time has past and WH has said too many hurtful things to me. He's not the man I thought I married. He's never tried to either.


Posts: 18129 | Registered: Jan 2006
Grandall
Member
Member # 11169
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)

My WW left me for the OP. I caught her walking the beach with him 6 yrs ago. We were divorced June 5th I moved out July 1st leaving her and my kids. He stayed the weekend last weekend sleeping in the bed me and my son shared for the last 12 months. I was out of my house for just 2 short weeks. The kids don't even know him. They were out with him all day today. She told me she loved him and that she was going to marry him. He is a coworker.

[This message edited by Grandall at 9:23 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)]


Me 46 WS Online EA
XWW Many EA's and PA. Married OP.
T 26yrs. M 20yrs.
Divorced 6/5/07
3 Great Children, G 21. G 15. B 11.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are lavish & deceitful.

Posts: 611 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: MA
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, July 23rd (Monday)

My WS walked out to continue her infidelity with the OP.

I do not drink, was never abusive, and never cheated. Just the "usual" marital problems.

Within a year or so of the divorce they married.

I am still astonished that she could find someone so willing to marry her, while she was still married to someone else.

It took me years of being single and dating other people to find somebody who was interested in marrying me and who I was willing to marry.

How do these WSs do it?

I mean cheating and finding someone willing to marry you while you are still married.

That is completely inconsistent with my experience of the world.

Anyone with any thoughts???

[This message edited by queequeg at 12:52 PM, July 23rd (Monday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
Grandall
Member
Member # 11169
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, July 23rd (Monday)

Quee,
I think they do it by 1st becoming friendly and then sharing intimacy's they should only be sharing with thier spouce. The other thing is if the op is single then that is a recipe in it self for distruction of the marriage. Married people should not be sharing intimate parts of thier marriage with a single person. Married people should be socialising with other married couples.


Me 46 WS Online EA
XWW Many EA's and PA. Married OP.
T 26yrs. M 20yrs.
Divorced 6/5/07
3 Great Children, G 21. G 15. B 11.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are lavish & deceitful.

Posts: 611 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: MA
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 24th (Tuesday)

Grandall:

Thanks for your thoughts.

I am more or less aware of the scenario of how infidelities begin. After my divorce I began dating, and the same scenarios occurred in building those relationships. They did not lead to marriages. It took many relationships and many years afterward, to actually find somebody who cared enough for you and who you cared about to make another marriage.

The WSs who leave for the OP seem to be able to find someone else to marry right away with one relationship (while they are still married).

This is what amazes me!

Perhaps it is the sneaking around and clandestine meetings that heightens the intensity of the OP relationship.

On the other, hand dating and building relationships once you are single takes place in the open and is not clandestine.

Still wondering......

[This message edited by queequeg at 9:45 AM, July 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
Ivette
Member
Member # 6884
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 24th (Tuesday)

hands up he's still with her there made for each other

[This message edited by Ivette at 10:01 AM, July 24th (Tuesday)]


Rather have no company than bad company.

Posts: 1810 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Massachusetts
griefnloss
New Member
Member # 14771
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 29th (Sunday)

I am in this awful boat also, and am wondering if most of you in this poistion have told people about the affair, and gone into more detail than saying something like 'things just didn't work out." I am trying to decide if/who to tell. i know it is all very dependent upon personal circumstances, but am just wondering if more people who have been left for OP end up telling most everything. It seems like it might make it a bit easier to heal?? Thanks so much, you are all godsends!

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2007
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, July 30th (Monday)

grief,
I have told everyone everything. Well, maybe not everyone. There are a few folks who asked about X and I told them we split. And they were clearly uncomfortable so I did not say anything else.

But most people know what the POS did to me and DD.

((HUGS))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
roadlesstraveled
Member
Member # 13501
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, July 30th (Monday)

I am in this awful boat also, and am wondering if most of you in this position have told people about the affair, and gone into more detail than saying something like "things just didn't work out."

I have told everyone the truth. It isn't a long drawn-out explanation either. I simply say that my WH abandoned me while we were living in France and came back to continue his affair with a co-worker. Then I say that he is still with her and we will be getting a divorce. End of story!

I think that what you tell others depends on your comfort level and it is entirely at your discretion what you disclose to others. In my case, I feel that I have nothing to hide. Why shouldn't people know what a horrible thing WH did? It is because of my WH's poor and destructive choices that we are D, and I think that friends/family have a right to know the truth.


"Life is what happens when your plans go astray."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Jan 2007
knutsmi
Member
Member # 14673
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 4th (Saturday)

I guess it is time for me to join this thread


Me-38
Him-38
3 kids, girls, 14, 12, 10
1st d-day (that I knew of) 1997
2nd d-day 5-11-07 (half of it)
3rd d-day 5-19-07(the whole truth)
ONS, Last 2 years OW,EA,turned pa
R is on the way! Thank you God!

Posts: 210 | Registered: May 2007 | From: MI
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Frustrated  Posted: 11:14 AM, August 4th (Saturday)

add me to the list. WS moved in with OP the same week that he left me to "think" about our marriage and what he wants in life.

I don't have a D-Day because he moved out before cheating... suppose it was an emotional affair, but hard to tell. I feel betrayed nontheless. The last night he slept at home was July 23. I'd say D-day was July 29, the day he came home... said he wanted to be back with me, then changed his mind and went back to her.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4495 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
betterdaysahead
Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, August 8th (Wednesday)

I posted a long time ago but feel the need to post again.

My stbxh moved out June 2006 and began living with OW. They are still together. We had been married for over 25 years.

It's been a hard year but I am managing. I am healing and moving forward. No remorse from him. We have never talked. Email only but very rarely, probably one every 3 months. All our communication is through lawyers. He sees his 15 year old son about an hour or two a month.

Lately I have come to realize that he is "erasing" us from his life. I honestly believe that he is trying to rid the last 25 years of his life from his memory. He makes his support payments on time and that is that.

Very sad for my kids. I am trying to help them cope with this. His family has turned their back (except his brother who is a minister) on us also.

Just needed to vent I suppose.


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
lra90
Member
Member # 9281
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, August 9th (Thursday)

Here's my situation......

My WH and I have been separated since Feb '06. He now lives with his parents and brother in a 3 BR/2 BA 1500 sq foot house.

He sees HER when he wants to, spends the night when he wants to (mommy washes his clothes when he brings them home from HER house). Mom says nothing about this arrangement BTW. But, WH doesn't want to live with OW/GF (fear that too much togetherness will ruin their relationship?)

So my question is....did he leave me for HER or just to have a Peter Pan existance? I honestly don't know any more.


Posts: 18129 | Registered: Jan 2006
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, August 9th (Thursday)

Ira,
I have the same question. X did move out to "live" with her, but her visitors visa was about to expire so he knew it would not be for long. His sis (evil bitch) got him the apt and he signed the lease sight unseen. Then a few months later he moved in with his sis.

He and OW still maintain a LDR. He spends most of his time at his business because he does not want to deal with his parents or sis or her hubby. He has admitted that he hates it there.

He threw away DD and I. Quit his job and moved and did nothing for 6 months (while I paid the mortgage and all of the bills -- fucker) When he sees DD it is always vacation. He does not deal with the day to day stuff of raising a child. When she "visited" him this summer she spent most of her time with her cousins at Granma's house. Yet he claimed that he was "taking care of her" -- HA!

Yeah, he could not deal with the responsibility of the obligations that HE wanted. So he just quit life.

I wish I had the pleasure of quitting life....


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
lra90
Member
Member # 9281
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, August 9th (Thursday)

Dreamboat,
When WH does get the kids for his visits (every other weekend) usually Grandma does the "taking care of " the kids. She cooks their meals (she has to cook anyway), she washes their clothes (she had clothes that needed washing anyway), she entertains them (WH needs to see how the Cubs are doing).

Then I'm left to wonder just how much time does he spend with his kids.

OW/GF did want him to move in with her when he first left here, but he said no-it didn't feel right. Now she lives with a co-worker and has WH over for spend the night parties.

I just don't know what he's doing. It pisses me off that he lives the life of Riley while I'm left to see to the day to day needs of our 3 kids.


Posts: 18129 | Registered: Jan 2006
Sadmadglad
Member
Member # 15291
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, August 9th (Thursday)

Wow, I am a little slow, didn't see this site until now. I am right there with everyone else. He left 4 days after D-Day 4/9/07. He's with OW. He does have an apartment with his brother for 10 y/o D's visits, but basically he lives with her. I don't think D has met her, but not sure. Don't want the immoral woman to be in her life or our lives.

Divorcing


M-21 years, together 24
D-Day 4/9/07
1 D - 10 y/o
Divorced January 08

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: STL
Sadmadglad
Member
Member # 15291
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, August 9th (Thursday)

Better Days,
I was with H for 24, m-21 and my WH doesn't have contact except though email. No remorse. I don't understand it at all and never will. But, I'm moving on.

I'm sorry that your stbxh doesn't see your son, but once a month. My thoughts are with you and your son.


M-21 years, together 24
D-Day 4/9/07
1 D - 10 y/o
Divorced January 08

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: STL
betterdaysahead
Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, August 10th (Friday)

Thanks Sad

I tend not to give much thought to this any longer. It causes far too much pain. I only think of it when I am going to the lawyer.

But my son has endured far too much.

I have a post in D/S about his role model. It is a positive post.

Our community has taken care of us...so to speak.


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
hope4better
Member
Member # 14919
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, August 20th (Monday)

Oh boy, I'm on a roll! I now belong to this and the multiple affairs group....lucky me.

It appears he is still with OW#4. I wouldn't say he exactly left me for her. I put him out and I guess since she was the last familiar female for him, he just stuck with her or maybe he really is that into her, who knows (personally, I think he just doesn't know how to be by himself). She is the worst of the bunch to say the least. No job, a 5yr old by another man, she's only 23, lives with mommy/daddy and siblings, has a suspended probationary license and can't spell for shit (I saw a ltr she wrote to him, it was truly sad) and to top it off, she cheated on him recently! This really hurts. I'm totally opposite and he chose her over me! He is even aware that she cheated but he still stays with her, go figure! I don't get it....it's so frustrating to not understand the why's of this whole situation. Had I known that to keep my family together, all I needed to do was cheat and let him find out, I would have done it a long time ago! Ok, truth be told, I wouldn't have actually cheated as I don't have it in me but I would have let him THINK I did. I could have borrowed one of my friend's BF's to corrobrate my fake affair.


Me: BW-35
Him: WH-35
Kids: 13 and 2yrs (both kids are his)
DDay #1: Summer of 1998 (ow#1)
DDay #2: Summer of 2003 (ow#2)
DDay #3: Summer of 2004 (ow#3)
DDay #4: Summer of 2005 (ow#4 21yr old) He kept this one
Married: 6yrs Divorced: 2007

Posts: 939 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: midwest
yougogirl
Member
Member # 11332
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 21st (Tuesday)

Here's my question - for all of those whose WSes left for the OPs, what were the signs in hindsight?

My WH is acting extremely weird, and strange things are happening. I don't know if he's leaving, there's an OC and/or what the hell is happening!

PLEASE give me what signs you missed and/or saw and didn't chalk up to the WS leaving (at the time). Any and all insight! The speculation is driving me crazy.


Me = doormat BS, mid 40s
Him = STBXWH, same age
Married 23 years, known 27 years
One DD (11) and several pets
Separated 12/15/14

Posts: 2355 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: East Coast
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 21st (Tuesday)

- emotionally distant
- cold emotion (kisses feel different)
- late nights at the computer or phone (my WH didn't come to bed until 3am on a work night)


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
Sadmadglad
Member
Member # 15291
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, August 21st (Tuesday)

Yes, emotionally distant. Constantly on the phone and/or computer. Conversations about divorcee's, such as saying "My aren't A and B getting along well after their divorce."
Very short tempered. Going out with the guys a lot.


M-21 years, together 24
D-Day 4/9/07
1 D - 10 y/o
Divorced January 08

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: STL
betrayedarmyw
Member
Member # 15637
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, August 22nd (Wednesday)

My H lost all concern for the domestic things around the house that he used to do. (Mowing the lawn, fixing things) I think that mentally he was already picturing himself out of the house.

He would be anxious to be leaving home and always late coming back. He had other really classic signs like nursing his cell phone, clearing the history, and lots of excuses.

I think I should have known when the man I know (who hates shopping) bought himself new underwear (oh yeah red ones). I was so stupid for trusting him.


Posts: 723 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Near Seattle
amiafool
Member
Member # 11291
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, August 22nd (Wednesday)

hi new to this forum and hope to meet some people who can relate.

My H left may o6 after I confronted him about OP and well he lived with her and has his own place for 15 mon now.

he claims he filed for D but I have as of yet not been served with papers. My L has not called me.

do they ever just wake up and realize they made a mistake? or after this long do I just give it up? this is where I am at limboland is not fun.

I refuse to D him he left and he committed adultry so I need to sit tight according to my L and let him do the filing.

It was an EA before a PA and he has known her 2-3 yrs total. She is D 2 yrs ago and a yr older than him and 4 yr older than me. To top it all off he works with her at least 3 days a wk up close and personal she is a nurse anesth. and he is a surg.

just need some place to come and hopefully find someone with a sim. sitch or some new friends to talk to and give me some support when things start to nose dive.

A


still love him though he is lost in la la land.

Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: limbo
amiafool
Member
Member # 11291
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, August 22nd (Wednesday)

yougogirl

mine did one arm hugs a few wks before he left, and love ya in the morning turned into see ya and that is when my radar went up.

I went about it the wrong way I should have watched for longer and did some indepth cking before confronting...

like the cell bill online can be viewed call by call. even if you do not get a printed bill ea month. he started calling her 2 mon before leaving but I did not know this until he left and she changed her # the day he left.

looking back I see so many things that were signs I was just in denial.


still love him though he is lost in la la land.

Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: limbo
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, August 27th (Monday)

((ami))

looking back I see so many things that were signs I was just in denial.

Oh yes, me too. My X left DD and I shortly after d-day at the urging of his sister.

He is still with OW although they do not currently live together. There were several times that I *thought* he was waking up, but he was gaslighting me because he wanted something from me.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
LADYBUGGER
Member
Member # 15577
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, August 29th (Wednesday)

Mine left and is living with her. Says that he never loved me, because now that he knows what love is, we never had it.


Posts: 128 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: NJ
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

I would like to get some feedback from other BSs whose WSs have left them to marry the OP and live happily ever after.

Does that interfere with your ability to believe in the "fogginess"?

Does that make you feel that you were either somehow inadequate to the spouse or seriously alienating?

It seems to me that it is a lot easier to accept the fog if the A either dissolves, or the WS shows at least some remorse.

Does anyone else feel that WSs left for marriage with the OP have a separate set of issues around understanding affairs?


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, September 1st (Saturday)

I think that even if a WS does show remorse, it is not any help if they are still with the OP. It is the fact that they are still with the OP that is, I think, neary impossible for a BS to get past. I think that if the marriage ends, the WS shows remorse, the relationship with the OP ends, both still go their separate ways, this scenario happens more often. BUT if the WS remains with the OP and goes on to build a successful relationship or marriage with them, it is unreasonable to expect the BS to ever either believe in remorse or accept the situation. If a BS is in that situation, they shoud not beat themselves up for never being able to accept it. Maybe it is just one of those things you do not accept, just live with.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, September 4th (Tuesday)

Does that interfere with your ability to believe in the "fogginess"?

There is no "fogginess" for WS who leaves for OP. They know exactly what they are doing. Apparently, there is no confusion involved.

Does that make you feel that you were either somehow inadequate to the spouse or seriously alienating?

Sometimes but it depends on the situation. In my situation, he is still playing the "I'm confused, I still love you" card even though he is f**** OW. So I know he is a mess, not me. In other situations, WS marries OP and lives happily ever after (we know that doesn't really exists) so the BS is left scratching his/her head. Feeling inadequate.

Does anyone else feel that WSs left for marriage with the OP have a separate set of issues around understanding affairs?

Learningasigo stated this answer very well. Its hard for the BS to let go when they are surrounded by their former WS and his new spouse, especially when kids are involved.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, September 4th (Tuesday)

Wow, just from the small sample here, it seems like the statistics must be wrong.

A significant number of us BSs here are reporting our WSs leaving to marry the OP and staying married.

Always makes me wonder how WSs can find someone, while they were married, that is willing to marry them, even after they know they have cheated on a former spouse.

Seems like WSs as a group must have powerful "mojo".

It took me years after divorcing WS to find someone who was interested in marrying me, and who I was interested in marrying. I was single and playing the field honestly.

Maybe the ability to stay faithful reduces your "mojo"??

[This message edited by queequeg at 9:22 AM, September 4th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
Ron7127
Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, September 6th (Thursday)

I do think it is tough not to feel it was all your fault when they leave and marry the OP. It does make you question your adequacy and fitness as a spouse. Not sure what to think, but it helped me a lot to talk to my WW's family and friends and learn about her past and how she has done stuff like this in the past. I learned about 2 prior affairs with married men when she was single, lots and lots of weird stuff and tons of lying.
I can't fathom how the Om sees her as a trustworthy pesron. She cheated on him when he was her boyfriend in the past. He knows she was lying to me for at least a year and that she has 3 small kids.
But, these OP's are in a fog of their own. They have heard only the WS's version of what went on in the marriage. And, they are "in love", which means they are acting stupidly.
I cannot envision the life my WW and this guy forsee for themselves. The kids will know as they get older. My WW's family does not speak to her and this guy will never be welcome in their homes. Holidays should be interesting.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, September 6th (Thursday)

Ron7127:

Thanks.

That was useful.

You are lucky to have gained those facts and that insight.


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, September 8th (Saturday)

This is not something I have personally experienced. The reason I am posting is to say that ANY reasonable person would not expect a BS to EVER be OK with the OP should their WS stay with them. As I said before, if a couple divorces, even with infidelity involved, and then the WS goes on to have a relationship with someone OTHER than the OP, this, though painful, could be handled by most. Having them stay with the OP which then serves as a constant reminder of the betrayal means, in my opinion, that the BS should not ever be expected to be "OK" with the situation. At best, they can be expected to just stay away and that is for their own sanity. As someone who has not experienced this, I feel this way and I am very sure than most others would as well. If your WS is still with the OP, you have no reason to feel somehow inadequate or not sufficiently evolved if you cannot stand them as a couple, cannot stand the OP, and wish never to see or talk to either of them ever again. Quite frankly, any OP or WS with any sense would understand this and at least have the consideration to keep their distance. If they don't and you are then forced to enforce boundaries, that is perfectly understandable and who cares if they like it or not. Be assured that, in my opinion, any reasonable person who had not experienced such a situation personally would understand and feel the same.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, September 16th (Sunday)

Does anyone else feel that it is amazing that WSs can find OPs, while they are still married, willing to marry them post A?

I mean, it's hard enough after you are D'v'ced to find a good working relationship, while you are honestly single and available.

I am still left asking:

Is there something special about the "mojo" of WSs who leave for the OP compared to
BSs?

[This message edited by queequeg at 12:17 PM, September 16th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, September 17th (Monday)


Is there something special about the "mojo" of WSs who leave for the OP compared to
BSs?

No. But there is something wrong with the morals of the WS and the OP.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
seeking wisdom
Member
Member # 14156
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, September 17th (Monday)

I am with Dreamboat. I don't think there is particular power to the WS or OP's charisma. Rather, their standards are not so high, coupled with their willingness to satisfy their own needs for gratification/ego-stroking at any cost to others, makes it easier for them to recouple. Plus, the OP and WS build a shame-support system together -- mutually reinforcing their sense of self-worth. They have an investment in each other, which is really an investment in their own selfishness. The OP knows that the WS cheated on a former spouse, but they can tell themselves that it's because they (the OP) were so special, so of course nothing will happen to their new relationship.

Finding someone that I would be willing to marry now? that seems a tall order. Maybe you were exercising some extra selectivity in the wake of your WWs affair. Don't see why or how that equals information about anyone's mojo.

You're asking people on a thread specifically organized around WSs who leave for their OP how many got married... there's not a lot of statistical validity in your sample, friend, for figuring out the larger population's patterns. Nor much to say about the content of those new marriages, nor the duration. Tells you not much worth knowing about "WSs as a group".


BS in WXH's exit affair.
Hold the fort. It gets better.

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: nyc
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, September 17th (Monday)

Seeking Wisdom:

Appreciate your well thought out response.

I think you already have some wisdom to share.

Thanks again for your thoughtfulness.


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, September 17th (Monday)

seeking wisdom

OP and WS build a shame-support system together -- mutually reinforcing their sense of self-worth. They have an investment in each other, which is really an investment in their own selfishness.

I love the way you worded that, especially the term "shame-support system". That describes my X and his whore perfectly!!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
lra90
Member
Member # 9281
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, September 17th (Monday)

It just bothers me at how protective of HER WH is. This past Sat. I had a smallish rampage and spewed off a little of what I had been botteling up for the past 19 months at him. When it got around to how "great a mother she was"-*sarcasim* (2 years ago she chose WH over her own kids) WH went balistic. I, on the other hand, am a for shit mom who makes her kids so stressed out they're getting sick.


Posts: 18129 | Registered: Jan 2006
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, September 17th (Monday)

Dreamboat:

Please be more accurate in your description of the OW.

She is not a whore.

A whore is a working girl whose only interest is business.

The OW is an immoral miscreant who is cheating with your husband.

She is more properly termed a slut.


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
jaykaydee
Member
Member # 14855
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, September 17th (Monday)

OWs are by definition whores. Per wikipedia, in addition to having sex for financial renumeration, the term is also used loosely to indicate someone who engages in sexual acts that are disapproved of, such as sexual promiscuity or sex outside of marriage. In my case, OW fits both the first and second definition.


ME- BS 41
HIM - WS 39
OW - employee of WS
DDay 2/9/07



Posts: 628 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Manchester, CT
betrayedarmyw
Member
Member # 15637
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, September 18th (Tuesday)

I personally like to call my H's new girlfrind a "skanky whore". I think that the word whore needs a fitting adjective.

Posts: 723 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Near Seattle
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, September 18th (Tuesday)

jaykaydee:

I appreciate your erudition.

Could you suggest the appropriate term for the POS shmuck who was screwing my FWW?

I'm not sure of the appropriate term for that kind of "man".


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
runaway
Member
Member # 8720
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, September 20th (Thursday)

Could it be 'turd-burglar' (as in he stole a piece of sh**)


No one can hurt me unless I let them. I forgot that for a while. But I'm back now.

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: UK
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, September 22nd (Saturday)

It's not something that can be generalized about. People's motivations are as individual as they are just as each marriage is individual. There is no "standard" OP, WS, BS, good marriage, bad marriage etc. And it really does not matter why some other OP, WS, BS did what they did. It's irrelevant and if you do speculate about it, it's only a huge waste of energy because it's is most likely wrong. What matters is you and your own life and your own situation. And if the WS has left to be with the OP, why they did it does not matter any more either. YOU are what you can control and YOU deserve to expend all your energy on yourself. Live in the present and future, never the past. I know this is hard to do because of course we all want to know why something happened to us, but sometimes you just have to accept that you may never know. That's knowing something very worth knowing in and of itself.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)

LearningasIgo:

Well, see, here's the problem. When you get married, you become quite emotionally attached to your spouse. Most BSs I have spoken with have built lives with their spouses, and became emotionally invested in them.

They TRUSTED their spouses, and that allowed them to build a life with the other person.

So it's easy to say life is about now and the future.

Now and the future was supposed to be with the person you became emotionally invested in.

Otherwise, you may as well have lived alone, or while you're married keep telling yourself this is probably only temporary. That's a hell of a way to be married, although apparently that's how WS's live.

It is very sad and painful to learn that is how your WS really felt, and that in fact you were and are completely alone despite your investment in your marriage.

Oh, and by the way you know that "addiction" that WSs have for their APs, well most BSs are just as "addicted" to the spouses, whom they married in good faith.

Why the WS is addicted to someone else is a large question.

[This message edited by queequeg at 6:10 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, October 4th (Thursday)

quee, wow. You really said some powerful things in your post. The part about addiction was really powerful. Human relationships are so complex. The way I see it, as long as we link our OWN emotional wellbeing to another's choices/actions, we will suffer. This doesn't mean that unlinking equals no pain. Not at all. What it means is that human beings are immensely complex.

We come together. We think we "know" the other person and ourselves. Heck, I'm sure they think they know you and their own self too! But there are so many variables we cannot even begin to understand or know in BOTH parties. I am not saying that this makes it OK for one spouse to betray and leave their spouse. It does not. What I am saying is that, despite what people WANT to think, a great many relationships start when one or both is involved with someone else. Think how many people were "dating" someone else when they met their spouse? Quite a few I bet. The issue really is not the OP in the slightest. In some respects, the issue is not even your spouse who left. It's you. It's why you met this person, why you were attracted to them, why you married them, what their issues were, why you were vulnerable to being the counterpoint to their issues. That is what it is all about. And quee I LOVED what you said about addiction. GO YOU. It does go both ones, or sometimes one way and that way is not always the WS. The WS might be a total jerk but the BS might have addictive behaviors. btdt. Go you. Keep going. You are doing great. You are going to come out on the other side a so much wiser and so much happier person. I am ss most know both a BS and an OP and I have learned from both experiences. The fact that I was an OP does not mean automatically that I am an evil person, and the fact that I was a BS does not mean that I was blameless in our problems.


Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
StungAgain
Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, October 6th (Saturday)

Well I am here, my WS left me for the OP and although very painful I take knowledge in knowing he is miserable with her and it is his own dam fault!


GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 826 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
Eumenides
Member
Member # 15508
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, October 9th (Tuesday)

My STBXWH is living with his cracked-out leather-faced slut. He never, ever calls DD or me. Ever. And he's pulling back on giving us money to support his monkey-woman. You know, cause food for her dog is more important than food for his child.

Oh gawd, I can't wait to talk to a lawyer tomorrow!!

At this point, it would take a billion dollars and a life supply of chocolate to get me to take him back if he asked.


Love and compassion are never enough.

Final D-Day: August 2007.
Divorce finalized: 6-16-09


Posts: 704 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Tartarus
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, October 11th (Thursday)

I really cannot understand how someone can abandon their children. I can only say that they were most likely like that all along, it's just that it never was revealed. I know this is true when I look back on my marriage and my XH and he abandoned his children as well. He WAS like that all along. I just has my own needs and wants and desires and so I didn't see what I didn't want to see.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, October 14th (Sunday)

learningasigo:

I agree with you. I think that a WS who abandons a spouse, especially when there are children involved, has issues of character that were present all along. As long as they get what they need out of being married, everything is, as my FWW used to say, "honky dorey" for them.

When things get rough, the rubber meets the road. That's when the design flaws start to show.

Who you're spouse really is, unfortunately, is not clear until the stress in a marriage starts to show.

Unfortunately, many BSs were not really good judges of character, either before or during their marriages.

I know I was in denial for a very long time. Of course, my life experience hadn't been sufficient to make me less than naively trusting.

[This message edited by queequeg at 10:17 AM, October 14th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, October 15th (Monday)

Actually, I look upon my own denial as a character flaw. I wanted what I wanted and I was going to have it even in the face of everything saying it was NOT that. AND I wasn't going to admit I made a mistake. Now, many years later, I can see my part.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
Eumenides
Member
Member # 15508
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, October 17th (Wednesday)

Frankly, I didn't want to marry my STBX. I tried to dump him many times while we were dating. However, when I came up pregnant, everyone told me, "You two have to get married." I was only 18. His manner unsettled me from the start. He always acted like a philanderer, but he was good at hiding it from me. To be honest, I never did sleep easy during our entire marriage. I always knew he was either checking out other women, going through reams of porn, or screwing other women at work. Any time *I* brought up the issue of infidelity, he would fly off the handle.

He would go through my private writings while I was at work and confront me about them later. Personal stuff. Poems, short stories, journal entries. He read all of it and even went so far as to tell me that he didn't want me to write anymore. A couple years ago I wrote a short story about a couple going through the pain of infidelity, just because I felt like it. He found it, read it, and had a cow. He accused me of thinking about cheating. One thing he failed to notice is that the story was written from the perspective of the BS.

If I hadn't been so determined to make our family work and prove to him that I was "worthy", I would have paid heed to the massive red flags flapping like battle standards all over our relationship.

Character flaw? In reference to STBX, I would call that an understatement. For six years he kept up the relentless mantra, "I love you, Eumenides. You're beautiful and I don't want anyone else to have you. You've always been the one I've wanted. I wanted you for years and you'll always be mine." The one thing he forgot to add was that *I* had to be his and pure and good, while he could screw anything female that moved while my back was turned.

When you have lies pounded into your head over and over, you start to believe them, no matter what their actions really say. So the fact that he has left without a backward glance come as no surprise to me. He's depraved. He's selfish. He's a monster and he always has been.

My only missteps were; 1. Listening to lies because I didn't want to see the painful truth, 2. Letting it go on this long, 3. Being capable of love beyond all reason and condition.

He has a lot more against him than I do, that's for sure. My current situation will not be my permanent situation. Finances, cars, houses, and other material things shift always. Jobs come and go. Pain lessens. But he has jarring errors in his personality that he refuses to acknowledge and blames on others. He is miserable, whether he realises it or not. He can't buy a new personality, and he can't buy a soul. His problems are so, so much worse than any of mine.

[This message edited by Eumenides at 12:52 AM, October 17th (Wednesday)]


Love and compassion are never enough.

Final D-Day: August 2007.
Divorce finalized: 6-16-09


Posts: 704 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Tartarus
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, October 18th (Thursday)

Is there something special about the "mojo" of WSs who leave for the OP compared to
BSs?

The "mojo" is the arrogance & complete hubris of the WS; that because OP doesn't ask or require anything too hard from the WS, that they can make a better life for themselves someplace else with someone else. This is called the "greener grass effect".

To this, all Betrayed spouses need to say "Bye Bye and I'll be long gone before I have a chance to say I TOLD YOU SO."


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, October 18th (Thursday)

learningasIgo:

I'm not sure that denial is a character flaw. It is an unconscious coping mechanism meant to protect you from painful situations.

I also exhibited denial when my FWW was distancing from me during her extended A.

I kept asking what was wrong, but she never said what was bothering her.

Denial is not a useful response, but I'm not sure it is a character flaw.

When someone makes a conscious decision to cheat and kick their spouse aside, well that is a conscious, calculated, and repeated behavior.

That represents character.

I take responsibility for at least 50% of the problems in my past marriage, but that is as far as I can go.

When someone brings a problem to my attention, I can try to fix it.

When I make a promise, I keep it.

[This message edited by queequeg at 4:34 PM, October 18th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
Rebuilding_Me
New Member
Member # 16266
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, October 18th (Thursday)

Actually, I have thought a lot about that 'mojo' thing because WHFXH and LMT (Little Miss Thang) are still together and I have not found someone I am willing to date seriously, let alone fall in love with. I think the ability to stay faithful gives us a higher standard, you know, sets the bar way up there, and makes us way less willing to compromise just to have a warm body in the house.

I look at it this way, my X is the kind of guy who would cheat on his wife and abandon her and his two small children to shack up with a piece of ass. LMT is the type of woman who is willing to eff another woman's husband and shack up with him after only 6 months and have a child with him before his divorce was final.

They are PERFECT for each other!


I like my men like I like my coffee - ground up in the freezer.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Texas
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, October 18th (Thursday)

Rebuildingme:

Here's the weird thing I mean by mojo.

A wife is cheating on her husband, with some low life renting a cheap loft in lower Manhattan.

The guy knows she's married and cheating, but he stays with her knowing she is going home to sleep with her husband.

Then he is willing to marry her knowing that she cheated on her husband and walked out on him.

I mean that to me is a weird attraction, but maybe I'm not a worldly guy.


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, October 21st (Sunday)

"I'm not sure that denial is a character flaw. It is an unconscious coping mechanism meant to protect you from painful situations."

I don't think denial is a character flaw at all! I'm sorry that I miscommunicated. I think denial is a natural defense mechanism. It is so strong, in fact, that people subjected to traumatic experiences can suppress the memories of it for years or, in more drastic cases of child abuse, even develop multiple personalities, some of which have no knowledge of the abuse. No one should ever be ashamed of having experienced denail. It is just your own psyche seeking to protect you. Every person alives experiences it to some degree in some situation, though not all experience it to the degree that some BS do because not all ever have to face that particularly trying circumstance. Otherwise, they probably would for a period of time as well. When you are ready to face the truth, you do. I experienced denial with my own husband's cyber cheating. I experienced denial about other things too in my life, some very traumatic. I am no stranger to it and I am not ashamed of it. Nor, as I said, is it my opinion that anyone should be. It is NOT a character flaw. It IS a human characteristic which we all share. I am so sorry that you felt I termed it a flaw. Please know that I don't.


Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
cheatedonbyhim
Member
Member # 15610
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, October 21st (Sunday)

One of my FWB left me for his dealer (I had no idea he was a drug user). They're now married and have a new baby together.

He works at a coffee shop in the town where my mom lives. On a recent visit, I went to "study" for the national registry paramedic test. Imagine his surprise when I casually set down my study book on the counter as I ordered my drink.

I'm not so far away from applying to medical school, and he's still right where he was when we were dating 3 years ago.

[This message edited by cheatedonbyhim at 8:06 PM, October 21st (Sunday)]




Posts: 182 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: washington
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, October 21st (Sunday)

I was just rethinking what you said, quee. I think denial can occur in many forms, includone denial of one's own harmful (to others and self) behavior. Hence, an addict can live in denial of both their own addiction and the terrible pain it is causing to those who love them. I have a son who is an addict and who has certainly been the cause of heartrending pain to me. Currently, I have not spoken to him for two years. He is my eldest, the product of an unplanned teenage pregnancy, and my love for him was and is absolute. He was my life for a long time. He knows this, yet the only way he can reconcile continuing as he is (and the things he has done which addicts do and which cause them deep shame, I don't need to go into it because I think all can understand that) is through denial of the pain he is causing. So there is yet another example of denial at work and this time not a healthy one.

It's a very complicated and difficult aspect of humans to understand. Only each individual can decide where and how it fits into their own situation. Was their own WS in denial of some sort? Were there perhaps addiction issues, personality or other mental disorders, childhood issues? No one can say but those in the situation. I do think that perhaps those closest TO the situation (me included) are almost universally the least objective. But again, denial is part of the human condition and certainly comes into play many times in many aspects of our lives and the lives of all we know. Why is it important to perhaps understand where denial may have come into play with the WS? Or, as in the case of my son, the addict? Because anger, resentment and hatred mixed with love is a toxic potion that consumes only the person who carries it around with them.

Well, I think that at least with a spouse, even a longterm spouse, it is easier perhaps to let the anger do its job and help you detach and no longer love. You read these boards for a while and you see that process occur. A parent, of course, always loves and always hurts. I wish there was a way for people, BS or hurt parents like me, to just love without hurt. I guess that's the real challenge for US, not for those we love.


Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, October 21st (Sunday)

cheated, that's sad. I'm sorry he cheated on you, but you loved him once and so he must've had some redeeming characteristics. I'm sorry that addiction and whatever other problems he has not only made him choose to behave so badly towards you but also to not realize his potential. Despite the fact that he hurt you so much, I think that must be very sad for you, too.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, October 21st (Sunday)

You know quee, as to who she cheated with, where, etc., you are still absorbing so much of this as a blow to your own self esteem. If she chose HIM, what does that say about ME? Well, it says nothing about you. In fact, it says nothing about him. It's now irrelevant. She does not define you. The need to put her or her choice of partner down only keeps you TIED to the situaiton. They are who they are. They do what they do. You are who you are. You do what you do. YOU DEFINE YOURSELF. Look around you. Aren't there many, many people, family, coworkers, friends, who esteem and value you? Why then do you allow this ONE PERSON'S opinion to mean so much? It doesn't you know. Let her go off on her own path. It is now irrelevant to you. I see you live in Manhattan. Have you read "How Starbucks Saved My Life"? You might find it an uplifting read. I did!

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
Rebuilding_Me
New Member
Member # 16266
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, October 22nd (Monday)

QueeQueg - I am there with you... I just don't 'get' it either. OW knows DikHed is willing to cheat on his wife, obviously, as she was the one he cheated with... Yet she says she 'trusts' him even when proven that he has lied to her directly!

I thank the creator daily that I am no longer in such a horrid place.

It must really suck to be them.


I like my men like I like my coffee - ground up in the freezer.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Texas
cheatedonbyhim
Member
Member # 15610
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, October 22nd (Monday)

LAIG - It made me sad to see that once Z and I started dating, a complete 180 happened. We started off as friends, then slept together. At the time, a co-worker of mine was interested in me, and I told Z that I wasn't going to go back and forth and that I needed to know what he thought. Z thought we should become a couple, and we did.

I don't date guys who aren't worth much, so yes, he did have some redeeming characteristics. He was nice to me (at first), calm, well-spoken, and intelligent. It was disappointing to see him spiral down the drug path, and I know his parents were disappointed, too. They're both volunteer EMTs and I think they were hoping I was going to be the one to pull him out of the gutter. I just didn't have the strength to wait that long to do it, and I don't think he had or has the desire to make anything of himself.

I do feel sorry for him, because I know when I finish medical school, he's still going to be in the same place. I did for a tiny second feel guilty about flaunting my success as a premed... but only for a second. I remembered the times he told me I was stupid for misspelling a word or making a typo in a 10 page neuropsychology paper; I think he was threatened by the fact that I'm s-m-a-r-t.

[This message edited by cheatedonbyhim at 10:52 PM, October 22nd (Monday)]




Posts: 182 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: washington
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 23rd (Tuesday)

Even his putdowns are a reason to feel sorry for him. Do you think people who have good self esteem, who like themselves, put others down for such things? No. They do not. Think about it. As badly as he hurt you, isn't sympathy and pity a much more healing and comfortable emotion than anger or hatred? From what you've said, he sounds like a person who does have some redeeming characteristcs but could not overcome the negative characteristics that defined him (for whatever reason). That's sad. Aren't you glad you are not him? You saw something good in him. He couldn't be that person but I bet he wishes he could be. And he probably has even lower self esteem because he couldn't. Not that this is YOUR responsibility nor could you have done anything to save him from himself. But it is still sad. Read my post above about my son. You are going to be fine. He's not. That's not something to gloat about. You loved him once. You saw something in him worthy of your love. He couldn't be more and he most likely hates himself for it. That is very, very sad. What jumped out at me from your post despite your "gloating" words was the underlying grief over that. It IS sad. You will be fine. He won't. My son won't. Ever. Addiction is rarely, very rarely, every overcome.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, October 23rd (Tuesday)

Also when he saw you believe me he felt lower than low. And that made him angry no doubt. Just like I'm sure it did in the past. I bet he loved you BECAUSE you are smart and hated himself because of how weak he was. Or at least he thought he was. If he is truly an addict, it is beyond strength or weakness. And it's just so sad. I'm sure you've grieved about it plenty. But listen. Grief is always a better, more healing emotion than anger, bitterness, hatred. Go ahead and grieve over the waste, the loss, of someone who you so hoped would and could be more. And then move on. But you don't need to hate him. My guess is he hates himself enough already. That's how it goes with addicts.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
nothappynow
New Member
Member # 16735
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, October 23rd (Tuesday)

me too. he left,said he never loved me and he's been in love with her the whole 6yrs we have been married. moved in with her, and after only two weeks he moved out and in with his bestfriend. Two days after that he was crawling back. but ya know, I don't think he regrets it, so I'm not sure R is possible.


Me: BS 24yo
Him: WS 25yo
OW: His HS Sweetheart 23yo formely my friend
A: EA and PA
DDay:9-11-07

Posts: 1 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Texas
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, October 24th (Wednesday)

Rebuilding_me:

I often wonder how my FWW and her dickwad AP,now husband, live together with the memory of what they did as their courting experience.

I wonder how they remember the early morning I called where she was staying after she moved out without mentioning the A, and I asked for dickwad by name.

She put him on the phone!

I asked him how he liked f****ing my wife, and closed down.

Hope they always have that as a cherished memory of their "dating" days.

I take 50% of the responsibility for poor communication and other problems in the M.

I never stopped loving her.

I am not responsible for her affair, and her refusal to reconcile.

I am proud of my new marriage in which I met my SINGLE wife after I was divorced, and courted her honestly and openly as a SINGLE man.

I have also tried to deal with any personal issues that were shortcomings in my first marriage, especially ability to communicate better.

I would have done that for and with FWW, given the chance.

[This message edited by queequeg at 2:56 PM, October 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, October 24th (Wednesday)

"I often wonder"

Well quee, there it is in a nutshell. You often wonder. You will get NO answers. The fact of the matter is they might be very well able to live with themselves, be happy with their memories, and never give another thought to all you wonder about. You ofen wonder. You then keep yourself tied to her choices. They are not and were not your choices. Yes, I get that. You would have worked on the marriage but she didn't want to. Got that. So all this wondering. What's it doing for you? She done you wrong, there's no doubt about it. But now she's gone on with her life. And you know what? In the real world, sometimes it works out. Sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it does. Do you see you've GOT to stop tying your sense of self to what SHE chose, what THEY are doing, how SHE is, and so forth? You're still clinging to the anger that comes with being treated unjustly and not seeing any justice for those who treated you that way. Well quee, everyone's got their own story. You've got to write your own. STOP WONDERING. It doesn't matter! It's no longer relevant to YOUR life. Look AHEAD to your future! Wondering about her keeps you in the PAST. And please to not wait wait wait for "karma" (I hate how that term is used here) or "justice" to get them because it may not. And you know what? You need to get to the place where YOU DON'T CARE EITHER WAY. That's freedom. That's growth. Can you hear what I'm saying?


Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
fathe
New Member
Member # 16376
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, October 25th (Thursday)

This thread picks up right where my own thoughts leave off.

My own WS has left me in the middle of a pregnancy (our first) to pursue OW. Right now I am angry and frustrated and I can't understand how WS, who I married for his "good heart" could do something so terrible to me.

I can't reconcile this new evil husband with the one that I was sure I brought home 3 years ago. I think that to do what he did shows a seriously lack of character, and lack of morals. And here I thought we shared the same values ... I don't understand. Was he always this selfish, immature and stupid?

Once when I confronted him he said that OW was "a nice person, a christian" I do not understand how a nice person conspires to steal another woman's husband, an innocent child's father. What kind of woman thinks this is a christian thing to do? And what kind of man finds a woman like that to be a "nice person?"

Am I just as bad if I sincerely hope that he really is a good man who fell upon confusion and dealt with it badly? Or am I just being naive? It's just hard for me to accept that he was like this from the begining and I never saw it.

As for abandonning children - I think that is the worst mark against his character. I cannot imagine knowing that I have a child about to be born and chosing a long-distance love affair over the opportunity to be in this child's life.

How can I still want this man??


Posts: 19 | Registered: Sep 2007
Petrinka
Member
Member # 10167
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, October 25th (Thursday)

(((fathe))) I don't know what to say except that I know how you are hurting. It's so very hard. My OW skank is also a "wonderful Christian woman", yeah, right.

How can I still want this man??

I still love my X, and ask myself the same question. There are many wonderful people here who offer their support and love to us, keep posting, hon.


Divorced May 31, 2007

Posts: 245 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Nevada Desert
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, October 28th (Sunday)

learningasIgo:

I truly appreciate your October 24 post. It contains a good deal of wisdom and reality testing, and deep inside I know you are right.

It's funny though that you think that someone is part of your life, and your closest family.

Then she moves on, and you move on.

It's like we're ultimately all making this trip alone, and just meeting others along the way.

Bye now, nice to have known you. Marriage was fun for a while, but got to be on my way.

I know you are ultimately right, but it all does seem so strange when you think about it.

It makes you feel like married, separated, divorced, we are all just moving along on this planet, and we can ultimately only depend on ourselves.

[This message edited by queequeg at 6:24 PM, October 28th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
snowontheroof
Member
Member # 16712
Question  Posted: 10:40 PM, October 28th (Sunday)

I just s/w daughter today and discussed "the fog" She admitted it did exist. I won't go into everything but she was the perfect child, student, athlete. She never dated in HS. Focused on studies and athletics in college and I thought had the perfect life right up until she called to say she was pregnant by the OM. She now says that their (OM and her) relationship is different and more like she thought marriage was going to be with my SIL. She has actually been with the OM longer now than the SIL. She said the relationship was needy and physical and risky in the beginning and then there was the period of time she and OM were not together and she was alone for each to decide what they really wanted for the future. She made it clear to him and SIL that she did not need either of them to raise her child. Then she moved out of her home and OM and she moved in together. The fog had worn off before they moved in together and from what I can tell they both have done the whole brutal honesty thing with each other and have both gone to IC. She now believes she can NEVER be friends with a man and that she was naive and stupid to think she could. She also does not allow herself to engage in personal conversations or to be alone with men. She believes the the 3 months of the affair while probably mark her forever and will in some ways negate all the remarkable achievements of her life. In listening to the BS on her I think she may be correct. I know it is easy to paint everyone that ever had an affair with the same scarlet letter but the reality is my daughter has slept with 2 men in her life my SIL and the OM so what does that make her?

Posts: 61 | Registered: Oct 2007
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, October 28th (Sunday)

"It's funny though that you think that someone is part of your life, and your closest family."

Well there you said it. It is what you THOUGHT. It is about YOU, what you thought. Relationships are based in large part on projection. We find the person who we think is the person we want and then we project onto them that image of the person we want. Sometimes we get it right, sometimes we don't. Kind of like everything else in life, right? I happen to agree with you that we can ultimately only depend on ourselves. That doesn't mean we can't have intimacy, trust, love, stability, etc. But yes, ultimately it's just us. Isn't that the ultimate human problem, our ultimate angst? It's about the fact that yes we ARE all, all alone with ourselves. Learn to live with THAT and be OK with it and THEN you'll be truly free. It doesn't come from another person. It comes from YOU.

Your XW is on her own path. She's desperately trying to find what she needs. What you were looking for in her, she is now looking for in someone else. Does this say anything about you? Not at all. Does it mean she is "bad"? Well, certainly she did a "bad" thing as she careens through her life trying to find what she needs, but does that act in and of itself make her a "bad" person? Really? I mean, you did love her. She must have SOME redeeming characteristics. She'll have to find her own way and come to her own conclusions, find her own truths. Maybe she'll find peace, maybe she won't. She's on a different path from you now. Focusing on HER path, HER choices, how she harmed YOU only keeps you from your path. Step back, look at it objectively. There was pain in the relationship, yes. But wasn't there also joy? Weren't there also great highs? Learn from both these things instead of just focusing on how it ended. For some reason, I really sense you are ready to do this. Your bitterness and anger actually sound hollow, almost rote. You're ready to let it go, ready to take your path and leave her to hers without further rancour. Just do it. It's not strange. It's life. Yes, we are ultimately alone. It's not strange. It's the human condition. People have been seeking relief from it in all manner of ways since man became man, whenever that was.


Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
30sucks
Member
Member # 14963
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, October 28th (Sunday)

Oh my! I guess I belong here too.

My WS left me 7 mo. pregnant, only I didn't realize at the time it was for OW. She too left her BH it seems. It seems that in one month they picked up their high school romance from 12 years ago. In that one month of secret liasions/texts/phone calls, they both dropped their families and decided they are in love. Only my WH has returned 3 times to tell me he loves me, he's made a mistake, yada yada yada. Now it's back to ugly. NOW he wants to rub it in my face how much "in love" he is with OW. Only last week he was saying that crap to me. Now he's intentionally trying to hurt me. Intentionally trying to wreck what sanity I have left. I opened up to him and told him exactly how I felt last week. My heart is clear. But, my spirit is broken. He's now going to use those words and twist the knife that much deeper. But I suppose I will heal with time.
I want to warn her. I want to wish her luck. I want to push her ass down a flight of stairs.


I had the misfortune of being married to a self absorbed, morally bankrupt human being. ~~12bstrong

This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree


Posts: 478 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Virginia
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, October 28th (Sunday)

Snow you need to tell your daughter that it is what we do in the present and the future that marks us, not what we did in the past IF we learn from what we did in the past. I am not a person of religious faith but I know a little about many religions and there is not a single one that does not preach redemption. If you learn from your mistakes and do not repeat them as a result (and even then we do all repeat some mistakes but we've got to keep trying) then that makes you a person of worth.

Quite frankly, if your daughter has decided that what she did was wrong, then tell her to quit feeling sorry for herself and go out and live a life that reflects her convictions as she has them now. There are plenty of BS who accept their WS back into their marriage because they feel they are sorry. OK. Well your daughter is no different. If she wants to leave these actions behind and learn from them and not repeat them, then she should do that and feel good about herself FOR doing it.


Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, October 28th (Sunday)

30 he can only use those words if you ALLOW him to. This doesn't mean the doesn't speak the words. It means you no longer give those words the POWER you are now giving them. Stop GIVING so much power away. It belongs to you to keep or bestow as you wish. Your own ego, your own sense of self worth, is so tied up in whether or not he wants you. Do you want to go through life with your whole sense of self worth pinned to the actions of another? If the answer is no, then start now by NOT allowing whatever he says or does not say to wound you. Believe it or not, it IS a choice. Let him go. Just let him go. Even if he plays mind games about going staying going staying just let him go and get on with your own life. You have a child to be an example for. And the best example is not a person filled with pain, bitterness, anger, etc. but a person who is firmly in control of their own destiny. That can be YOU if you want it to be.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, October 31st (Wednesday)

Can anyone explain into words: why is the pain of your spouse leaving for OP so gut-wrenching? Why does it hurt like a death occured? Aside from the death of a child, this is the worst emotional pain in the world. Why??? I feel victimized.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
fathe
New Member
Member # 16376
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, October 31st (Wednesday)

devastated-

I feel victimized too. For me the thing that really upsets me about WS leaving for OW is -- oh so many reasons! First of all his total disregard for our VOWS and his refusal to try to make things right in our marriage. I think that not even trying to fix things is a thousand times worse than the original insult of cheating.

Next -does this fool really think he found someone "better" than me?? WTF is wrong with him, no frigging way that puta can hold a candle to me (excuse my ego but that's just so riduculous.) I think WH must have gone mad to think such a thing, and also what an insult to compare me to a souless woman and I say souless because I can't imagine any woman who knowingly takes a married man who has a pregnant wife away from his family. -Yes, i know its his fault but I'm just saying, how could he look at that black-hearted woman and see value in her? Or is the problem that I have erroneously seen value in him??


Posts: 19 | Registered: Sep 2007
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, November 4th (Sunday)

It's because you feel disgarded by the one person whose opinion of you meant the most. It's because you feel that the one person who you felt knew you best and in the most intimate way tossed you aside. This is a gutwrenching expeience to not only be abandoned by this person whom we trusted so much and into whom we investd so much of our own sense of self worth which is normal and unavoidable but to also have that person replace us with someone else. We cannot help but feel diminished and not good enough. We cannot help but feel that everything we thought was good about us and worth loving about us just wasn't good enough. None of this of course is rationally true. People own their own decisions. Sometimes a WS is actually happier with the OP although they certainly should have gone about ending the marriage they were IN first and someimes they are not. Irrelevant because that's all about THEM and not about you. It hurts so much because you have so much of your own sense of self worth and self esteem tied to him and whether or not he wants you. This will pass in time.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, November 5th (Monday)

learningasIgo:

"Sometimes a WS is actually happier with the OP although they certainly should have gone about ending the marriage they were IN first and someimes they are not."

You know it's really great that the WS found somebody they believe they will be happier with.

The problem is they're married, and they made a real live actual promise to the person they married that they weren't going to be dating anymore.

I stopped dating after I got married.

Maybe, there could have been somebody I could have found that I would have been happier with.

Maybe we all could.

The point is that you are married.

That is a promise, an obligation, and heaven forfend an actual adult responsibility.

Marriage is not supposed to be some interim period between dating episodes.

It's not some kind of trial run. You know there is a real live human being with feelings and an emotional investment that you are married to.

[This message edited by queequeg at 3:27 PM, November 5th (Monday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
Eumenides
Member
Member # 15508
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, November 5th (Monday)

Lately my anger has started to smolder. I am so irritable all the time that I feel like I'm going to break down. My emotions have been boomeranging like crazy the past couple of weeks and I feel just miserable. He's with her and I know she's talking trash about me 24/7. My WH is lying about me to all the relatives and acting like DD and me don't exist. No calls, no texts, no coming for his stinking mail, no money to buy DD food or diapers. I can't find a job, and I'm so, so lonely.

I am falling apart again. I thought I was getting better, but I'm rebounding. The holidays are coming and I have no money whatsoever for buying DD a gift. I don't have money to help pay for Thanksgiving dinner.

I know he's an ass. I know he's a jerk. I know he doesn't love me now. But dammit, he did love me once! We were happy! Why won't God answer my prayers? Why won't he push that whore off and just come home? Why does she mean so darned much to him that he thinks it is okay to leave DD and me in the dust without a prayer, without aid, without a word?

[This message edited by Eumenides at 4:36 PM, November 5th (Monday)]


Love and compassion are never enough.

Final D-Day: August 2007.
Divorce finalized: 6-16-09


Posts: 704 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Tartarus
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, November 7th (Wednesday)

Has anyone here ever heard from a WW after they left for AP?

What do they do with the memories of the good times?


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, November 8th (Thursday)

quee I agree with you. No one should date after they are married. No one should have an affair. No one no matter how unhappy they are should enter into a reltionship without first ending the marriage. BUT that doesn't mean that sometimes people don't do those things AND still wind up in a relationship where they are happier. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. That's why it's a bad idea to pin your own happiness on the certainty that the WS and OP will crash and burn, be desperately unhappy etc. Because you know what? Maybe they won't be. Then what? So they are or they aren't. That is no longer your issue. You are still very focused on what "should" happen, what people "should" do. Well many times people don't do what they should do. I know I haven't always done what I should do. She didn't do what she should have done. That's it. End of story. Now she's writing a different story. It may or may not have a happy ending. But whether it does or not has nothing to do with whether or not she should have done what she did. I wasn't saying THAT was in any way ok.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, November 9th (Friday)

learningasigo:

See, the problem with all that is that someone stole nine years of my life.

Someone stole my opportunity to live where I wanted to live, meeting new people at a point in my life where there were the possibilities for me that I wanted.

I can't get those nine years back.

I'm really sorry that someone was unhappy with me, but they were with me for two years before we were married. It was the same flawed me.

They weren't perfect either and I wasn't perfectly happy, but I did respect my wife and my promises. She never had to worry about someone stealing part of her life.

I don't predicate my happiness on someone else, but I did predicate where I was going to live, where I was going to get a job, and how I disposed of nine years of my life, on someone else.

Marriage is a promise to work and to be honest- that's all it is.

It is not a promise of eternal bliss and a perfect mate.

Oh, yeah, let's just move on. QQ, you're making such a big deal out of your FWW's wanting a new life. Hey, why don't you just move on. It was only a marriage, man.

Well, you tell me how I get those nine years and all those opportunities that were stolen from me returned?

I wish I was like John Lennon, and I was the star of a show. I wish I was the one who cheated on Cynthia to move in with Yoko and the Plastic Ono Band in a suite at the Dakota.

However, I am just plain me, and someone willfully, volitionally, and IMHO with malice aforethought stole nine years of my life!

Not my happiness, but a section of my life, which is very short to begin with.

[This message edited by queequeg at 10:47 AM, November 9th (Friday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, November 9th (Friday)

Well, you tell me how I get those nine years and all those opportunities that were stolen from me returned?

Don't look at it like that. You can't drive looking at the rear-view mirror. Look ahead, always look ahead because there is a lot of highway in front of you. Now you are driving the car solo without someone in the passenger seat b*tching about stopping to pee.

(((Eumenides)))

[This message edited by devastated07 at 11:49 AM, November 9th (Friday)]


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, November 9th (Friday)

quee, I am not telling you to not hurt over this. I am not telling you "just move on." Without going into detail, I do understand what it is like to be devastated by a deep betrayal.

"See, the problem with all that is that someone stole nine years of my life."

quee I keep saying this and I'm going to say it again and then I'm not going to say it any more either because I'm not hearing you or I'm just not being helpful. You want justice. You cannot get past how unfair it is that this was done to you, that you were lied to, misled, that these years were stolen from you. quee there may never BE justice as you wish to see it. THAT is what I am trying to say. YOU are allowing the fact that this was done to you and there seems to be no "punishment" for the crime to BE the problem for YOU. It is not he problem for HER. I may NEVER be the problem for her! It happens. Or it might. You've got to work towards letting go of it altogether.

You know I read this board every day just because I actually learn a lot about life in general with how people deal with this issue but I rarely respond to the degree that I have to you. There's only one other poster I can think of that I have. Not that this makes what I have to say any more valuable. It may be of no value at all to you. I just hate to see you so STUCK. I've been STUCK. I was SO ANGRY at my XH for SO LONG. It did NOTHING about anything except keep me STUCK. As far as I know, he still has not experienced the "justice" that would be "fair." But I FINALLY no longer pay attention! It doesn't matter to me and my life!

Every time you respond to me you tell me again why it is so unfair, why what she did was so wrong, etc. OK. Yes I get that. It was unfair. You've been wronged. Well ok. Guess what. That's the end of it. You were wronged and now you get to go on and live the rest of your life. Look at the world around you. Look at all the people that are wronged in so MANY ways and yet what is their choice? Go on and live your life. I do not even believe in "living well is the best revenge" because revenge STILL keeps you tied to the person who wronged you. Oh I believed in it for a long time when it came to my XH until I finally got that through my head.

quee it's over, you were wronged, that's it, go forward, leave it behind. And I swear I won't tell you this again because you must be sick of hearing it from me!


Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, November 9th (Friday)

ps hooray devastated! Loved your advice! You said the same thing as me in a lot less words! Go you!

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, November 10th (Saturday)

Thanks. I'm just a betrayed squirrel trying to get a nut like everyone else.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, November 11th (Sunday)

learningasigo:

Thanks for your concern and your wisdom.

I am trying to integrate everything you say, because I know you are right.

I think venting and thinking about what you say helps the process.

Thanks again for taking the time to address the issues.

It is appreciated.

Good luck to you too, as you move ahead.


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, November 15th (Thursday)

Well quee I am so happy to read your response. It happens that I am a far from perfect person who has done more than a few things that were wrong in my live but many, many more I hope that were right. Remember that your ability to let go of this will be there for you when YOU have a mistep. We all do. And when we have not been able to let go of our anger towards others, we tend to be the hardest on ourselves. I know you can do this because it comes through to me so clearly in your posts. It's like you're just right there, right at the threshold of being able to let it go and transcend to a better place for you. You're almost there. Oh and venting is good, fine, all that. Except when venting is about being stuck. Some people vent about the SAME ISSUES for years and years and years. Know any? I do. Want to be like them? I don't think you do. And I have a very strong sense that you won't. You're ready quee. Just let it happen. Your anger isn't changing anything, it's only holding you back.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, November 15th (Thursday)

I just thought of something else. My sister remarried after a marriage of 20 years far too quickly I thought to a man she knew not very well. After eight years, he left her for another woman. Just up and left. After a year, she got a divorce based on abandonement. Was she upset, angry, bitter? Hell yes! But I kept reminding her that she had some wonderful times with this man. That he had encouraged her professionally and personally and she had really experienced growth as a result. That his leaving as he did doesn't make all those positives go away. You can't go back in time and make incredibly positive experiences that couples treasure disappear based on what came later. And you know what? That really helped her. She did have to admit that she had had some wonderful times with him. That he had encouraged her to make some changes in her life which have worked out very well. Then of course he went on to be a total shit and cause her enormous pain. OK. But B does not negate A. Remember that as well.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, November 29th (Thursday)

Hey quee how are you doing?

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
Dad
Member
Member # 16885
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, November 30th (Friday)

Eumenides - I don't want your earlier posting to get lost in the shuffle.

The reason your WH doesn't call you is because he can't stand the guilt. He's got you and your DD compartmentalized away so he can pursue his A. Someday the guilt will overflow and engulf him, but you can't wait for that. For now, just hang in there til January. I guarentee you will fell better then.

My heart goes out to you. Just know that I and others here care. It's so hard to be going through this during the holidays. Please keep posting.

(((Eumenides)))

[This message edited by Dad at 1:30 PM, November 30th (Friday)]


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: 4/91
S15, D9
D-Day: 7/6/07
D Final: 2/4/08

Posts: 123 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: SoCal
Ivette
Member
Member # 6884
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, November 30th (Friday)

As of this week the ow in my situation is moving back to here ugh!!!!. Stbxh is staying in florida. As I hear she is mad. She wants stbxh to move back here with her he says he has nothing here to come back to.

There were together for 3 yrs and know he wants me back.

On thanksgiving he called me crying that he misses his family. When he said that to me I told him your mom has a spare room. Then he called again and I said to him why do you miss us because it's thanksgiving.

I grew up with this man I know him for 30 yrs and I never even at his grandma funeral hear him cry like he did to me on the phone.

He even called his sister and she told him you made the choice of the woman you picked and you made the choice of moving to florida so it's your own fault.

Eventually they will come to terms of the hurt they caused us all here.

[This message edited by Ivette at 1:46 PM, November 30th (Friday)]


Rather have no company than bad company.

Posts: 1810 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Massachusetts
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, December 2nd (Sunday)

Well they may or may not come to terms with it. You can't say for sure. His crying may have all been a minipulative self serving game, right? Here's what you can control. YOU. You need to let go of his drama, his wants, his needs, his everything. I know after the amount of time you have been with him it is hard, very hard. But the fact of the matter is either you will CHOOSE yes CHOOSE to allow him to continue to manipulate you and suck you into HIS drama, HIS needs, all the attention on HIM or you will let it go and leave him behind. What happens to him happens. It should no longer concern you.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
Betrayed74
Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)

Me.

He left me a month ago to be with her. Well, he wanted to stay in the house and carry on his emotional affair on my dime, but I made him move out after he admitted he was in love with her and wanted to be with her.

He wanted to move in with her but she told him not until he got his act together (alcoholic bipolar). So, he moved to her city and just up the street from her. She got him a job working with her. Bully for them.

He called me this week--the first time since he moved there. I could tell he was with *her* because for the first time he was just mean and nasty on the phone--rude and blunt.

I'm sure she's worried about me--we slept together after he had agreed to faithfulness to her (and I told her), so I'm sure he was posturing to comfort her. Still. Ouch.

I'm taking comfort in knowing he's taken a giant step down moving from me to her...I am superior in almost all ways. The benefit of her?...she'll drink with him. She likes to party and he's an alcoholic.

I know it's for the best that the lying, cheating, cowardly bastard is gone, but it still hurts so much that he jumped right on over to her. She wasn't the first, she was just the final before the shit hit the fan.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
incredulous
Member
Member # 16737
Shocked  Posted: 9:57 PM, December 9th (Sunday)

I notice this thread isn't very active. Do you all get a little mad/sad/ just feel left out when you read the other boards and they're all bitching about OP and they remind OP that the BS won because WS came back to BS?

I don't know if I'm even making any sense, but I keep finding so many posts that don't help because they're all about WS remorse, etc.

Do you think our spouses still had a fog and it was/is just too deep to come out of, or did they really not love us, as so many of them have claimed?

I am having a hard time not obsessing over every minute of our relationship to try to figure out where it went so wrong. I just can't reconcile WH now with the man I married and knew for 3 years before I married him. Nobody else can, either. So how does this make sense??!!

[This message edited by incredulous at 9:59 PM, December 9th (Sunday)]


me: BW, now 55;
DD now 19 (adopted by me as single mom, so XWH was "Dad")
married: June, 2005, together since July, 2002
d-day: 10/21/07;
Divorced July, 2008 and he never looked back...

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Oct 2007
10/04
Member
Member # 16505
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, December 10th (Monday)

Probably depends on person/situation. My X said he "woke up" (came out of fog?) after he married OW. Did he have other problems? (job, age, health, family?)

Posts: 124 | Registered: Oct 2007
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, December 10th (Monday)

I am having a hard time not obsessing over every minute of our relationship to try to figure out where it went so wrong.

Me too & its been 8.5 months since he left. I don't even know what to say. I *wish* we had wayward spouses on this board who left for OP. I would love to hear their stories not just the WS who came back to BS.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
ktshadow
Member
Member # 10920
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, December 10th (Monday)

Well, here I am a year and a half after posting on this site for the first time. We were supposedly reconciling, but when he began a new job,he took her phone number with him and has probably been seeing her the whole time we were "working it out". Now he is living at his parent's house and pursuing a relationship with her that he is "excited about". I didn't even ask any questions this time about when, where, how long, etc, I just knew that I was done. I'm not rethinking my decision, just trying to heal through this painful process. Some days are better than others. I still want their relationship to tank, so I guess I'm not at peace with it yet.


Don't let only one person decide if you are loveable or not. Be around the ones who have already decided that you are.
I traded in my intuition for his analysis.

Posts: 152 | Registered: Jun 2006
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, December 10th (Monday)

I posted this in GENERAL but thought maybe you felt the same way:

What it feels like when WS chooses the OP:

When you're a WS that begins to have feelings for the OP, you lose all sense of control. The first tryst is wrong but won't hurt anyone, in fact it feels good. But that is where the vortex begins. Like a tornado funnel, the wind starts to blow circular in a crazy pattern. The WS feels that wind on its face and hair. The Affair continues now at a pace that doesn't make sense in reality, but makes perfect sense to the WS. The vortex funnel has now reached a speed of 200mph. The WS can feel himself slipping into the tornado funnel but not quite. They are holding on. Now the WS is in love with the OP and life takes on a new meaning, a meaning the WS doesn't yet understand but they know it feels different. The vortex takes on a life of its own, inside the funnel is darkness, chaos, confusion. The WS knows he created this monster tornado. The WS can peer inside and feel the wind blow so hard that if he were to ever let himself enter this tornado he would die. He/She knows that she created this monster but fears its power. When the WS chooses the OP, he/she throws the BS into the vortex instead.
This is what it feels like.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
div2006
Member
Member # 11783
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, December 10th (Monday)

I am having a hard time not obsessing over every minute of our relationship to try to figure out where it went so wrong.

Me too. 1.5 years later and the divorce is also final. It will bother me for a long time to come. I'm only hoping it won't ruin any potential future relationships.

I do hope WH is miserable for the rest of his life and I hope the kharma bus broadsides him soon. I've been through a lot of emotional and physical pain that he did not have to experience.

One thing that WS don't think about is "playing" house with someone is different than "living" it with your spouse.


Me/BW:34; Him/WH:38 no children
D-day: April 7, 2006
M 11 years October 7, together 13
"God will only give you what you can handle" - my grandmother
Divorce final 09/06/07

Posts: 619 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Michigan
isurvived
Member
Member # 12359
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, December 10th (Monday)

I caught my now xh in an affair on 4/15/05-he left me and our kids that night and moved in with her. The kicker is she was pregnant with another man's child-the timeline is they met in Nov 04-she got pregnant in Dec 04 and they began their affair in Jan 05-the father of her child is not around-my guess is he is married or she has no idea who the father is. The baby is not my XH's-the baby is bi-racial plus my xh had a vasectomy.

He completely abandoned our kids-he went a year and a half without seeing or speaking to our kids-he said the slut and her kid come first-he lets him call him daddy-the kid is 2 now.

Our girls are now 8 and 10-he spares them a couple hours each week on a Sunday-in court he didn't ask for anything with the kids-I have sole physical and legal custody.

He ended up marrying her in Las vegas-in November 06-7 months after our divorce was final.

I talked to her ex-husband-he told me they divorced-she was having an affair with her boss. He told me his ex father-in law apologized to him for his daughter's behavior. He told me her family knows what she is like. He was not surprised at all that she went after a married man-that is what kind of a person she is-her family is not happy about the baby and her brothers have almost nothing to do with her anymore-her ex husband is still friends with her brothers!

Anyway, I know I am rambling but even 2 1/2 years later, the pain is still so real. I have never seen her-although she did call me once and rub it in my face that he chose her and her child over me and his own kids.

Everyone said it wouldn't last-but they are still together. They have managed to rack up $28,000.00 in credit card debt-he has opened 6 credit cards since he has been gone-in both their names-he told me she was worse off then he was financially(told me this the day we signed our divorce papers). So now he is working two jobs because collection agencies are after him.

Why is he still with her? He has to know she is a skank-she was pregnant with another man's baby when they started their affair!!!! He knows she had an affair on her first husband!

I can't express enough how out of character this was for my xh-noone could believe what he had done-his family has nothing to do with him-he hasn't seen his brother or sister since this happened-he only sees his parents to pick up the kids-noone in his family has accepted her-he gave up everyone for this whore and a kid that isn't even his!

Someone please help me-I am still so sad all time and I hurt for my kids-they know about her baby and that their dad plays daddy to him every day but only sees them a couple hours a week.

I want them to divorce because of one of them cheating on the other-I want them to go through hell. This bitch stole my life-she didn't want to be a single mom so she made me one instead. my xh did NOT want more kids-that is why he had a vasectomy-yet he embraces starting over with her kid? He told me in court he never even wanted our kids-yet he wants hers?

Please help me understand all this-why did he throw his entire life away for her? I didn't even know there was anything wrong in our marriage-I thought we were happy! We had a nice home, he had a good job, healthy kids, summer vacations, wonderful families-he gave all that up for what he has now? A wife noone can stand, a wife that is a whore, they are in debt beyond belief, his family won't even give her a chance-her family has little to do with her because of how she is-what the hell?

Can anyone help me understand?

Sorry it is so long


Me-BS-38
XH-36
2 beautiful daughters 8 & 10
Married 11 years-together 13
Divorced-6/06

Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Misouri
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, December 10th (Monday)

Why is he still with her?

Because he has no where else to go. He can't go back to you. He is lying in the sh*t he created. That's why he's still with her.

why did he throw his entire life away for her?
because he hit the self destruct button on his life that will cause a slow death (spritually and physically). Like a form of suicide. Nothing good is coming out of his new lifestyle. As his exW, this is hard for you to watch, I know. But he threw you under the bus, so he could do this. It hurts like hell.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
incredulous
Member
Member # 16737
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, December 10th (Monday)

Wow, we've all got pretty awful stories, don't we? My WH was moody most of the summer, but always said he was worried about his daughter or work or something else. ARound the end of July, beginning of August, he became so distant that he barely talked to me, didn't touch me, found excuses to be away from home. I never even thought of an affair because his ex-wife cheated on him and we had dozens of discussions about commitment and the hard work of marriage. I trusted him completely, so was completely blindsided when he announced out of the blue on 9/21 that he wanted to move out and our marriage was over. Went to MC 2 times after I begged, but only for him to tell me and the counselor that there was nobody else and there was no hope for our marriage.

I trusted him until the counselor told me he was having an affair, and he admitted it on 10/21. I asked him to leave, and we've had virtually no discussion since, though I have told him I wanted to reconcile. I believe he's moved in with OW.

This is so out of character for WH that nobody can understand it. He has his faults, but nobody would have said (before this) that he was dishonest or cruel. Yet, he has turned out to be both.

WH has no health or addiction problems, but has had a lot of tragedy in his life. His first wife cheated on him and left him, which was (as we all know) very traumatic for him. Their divorce was final in 2001. We met in 2002; his ten-year old daughter died in 2003. When we married, he had to move for my job. (only 30 miles, but it created distance for his teen-age girls who were with us half time, but spent more time with their friends after the move). After we married, he let the job he'd had for 12 years, and started a new job, which caused a lot of pressure. I'm not sure he ever completely processed any of these losses completely, and I think he just lost it.

He's now spiraling downward, risking everything -- his daughters, his marriage, his reputation, his friendships, his parents and siblings, and his church -- for a woman who has been divorced twice (because she cheated both times!) and was in a committed lesbian relationship when he met her. he was a man of such integrity when I married him, and he's obviously given that up, and for what??!!

I don't even want the karma bus to hit him; I still love him and worry so much about what he and his life will be. If and when he ever wakes up and realizes what he has done, I don't know that he'll be able to handle it.


me: BW, now 55;
DD now 19 (adopted by me as single mom, so XWH was "Dad")
married: June, 2005, together since July, 2002
d-day: 10/21/07;
Divorced July, 2008 and he never looked back...

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Oct 2007
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, December 11th (Tuesday)

I don't even want the karma bus to hit him;

Me neither. My exH is walking bad karma. He doesn't need anymore.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
blackbird542
Member
Member # 16336
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, December 11th (Tuesday)

I agree with much of what Devastated has said. Not always, but it seems like a lot of the time, the WS male leaves for the OW as part of a self-destructive midlife crisis that involves all sorts of other problems -- alcohol, debt, whatever. It is very hard to watch someone do this but the BS has no ability to change it because IT IS NOT ABOUT HER. And, I also agree that the WS stays with the OW because he has nobody else after taking a flame thrower to his life. My STBXH fits this to a T. It hurts like hell and I have to take a 2 X 4 out of my pocket regularly in order to remind myself that none of this is about me. It is sad, but as my grown daughter says, "He is the captain of his own sinking ship and we have to yell women and children first and save ourselves."

[This message edited by blackbird542 at 6:50 AM, December 11th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2007
blackbird542
Member
Member # 16336
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, December 11th (Tuesday)

Sorry -- hit submit twice.

[This message edited by blackbird542 at 6:48 AM, December 11th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2007
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, December 11th (Tuesday)

"He is the captain of his own sinking ship and we have to yell women and children first and save ourselves."

I like this. I'm going to add this to the quote thread on F&G.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
isurvived
Member
Member # 12359
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, December 11th (Tuesday)

Thanks so much devastated and blackbird,

I try hard to tell myself it is not about me but it is so hard to do. I know this sounds mean but I hope he is not happy with her-in fact, I hope he is miserable.

I hope this pain lessens in time-I do know that the scars I have will be there forever. It helps to hear from you guys-thanks so very much.


Me-BS-38
XH-36
2 beautiful daughters 8 & 10
Married 11 years-together 13
Divorced-6/06

Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Misouri
incredulous
Member
Member # 16737
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, December 12th (Wednesday)

How many of you never really had the opportunity to talk to WS to try to process the affair? You know -- to ask questions about when, why, how, etc.

I keep looking for answers that will somehow make this make some sense. I go back and forth about whether talking to WH about some of this would help give me closure. At first I thought it would and I sent him some questions by e-mail. He said he'd like to answer them in person with a counselor. I said I hoped we wouldn't have to hire a professional to have one honest discussion about the end of our marriage. By the time he responded and said he'd meet with me, I told him I didn't think he was capable of even hearing and seeing me, so I didn't really think his answers would be helpful. I was really feeling the 180 that day!

Since then, I've been thinking we should have met so I could know a little more to try and help my healing. I'm just afraid it will get my hopes up that he will want to reconcile.

What would you do if you were me? Anybody with similar experiences or feelings? Any advice at all?


me: BW, now 55;
DD now 19 (adopted by me as single mom, so XWH was "Dad")
married: June, 2005, together since July, 2002
d-day: 10/21/07;
Divorced July, 2008 and he never looked back...

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Oct 2007
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, December 13th (Thursday)

incredulous... maybe not the answer you want to read, but...

IC helps me to get through the sense of "unfinished business" his departure left me and the whole nonsense of it all.

I am making my way through it, even in the absence of WH... there are answers he won't ever be able to give to me even if I'd ask for them, since he wants to stay as blind as posible when all I want is live with my eyes wide open. And IC helps me with that part.

Closure will come in its time, either from him or from within yourself...

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 8:11 PM, December 13th (Thursday)]


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, December 14th (Friday)

...oh, hi ! I forgot to introduce myself to the group.

I'm burnt_toast, 30 yo. Nice to meet you all.

My H got into depression about 8 mo ago, changed jobs and became closer everyday with this new coworker.

They have nothing in common (except work) she has nothing more than me (except novelty) but he's addicted to the way he can look at himself in her eyes. Infatuation, in one word.

I'll spare the crunchy details of my october d-day, they are not relevant anymore on this board.

After 2 months of false R, that was in fact cake-eating, he went straight to her after I went NC. Ten days later he was aking me to D, saying he "couldn't wait and work on our M for years" that he "had to be happy no later than right now".

Others around us always perceived us as the perfect couple. We were friends, we were soulmates, I thought I was safe with him. Hell was I wrong.

He re-wrote the story of our M and turned me into a witch to justify the flow of anger he's vomiting at me. Went from an exceptionnally loving man to someone who could treat me down right shoddily... just in a few weeks.

I have to mourn the M and the man. Sometime, I look at pictures taken just a year ago and he looks so loving and happy. This turnover is hard to accept, hard to undersand.

Here I am, on my own, trying to befriend myself again, with a lot of solitude to do so. Trying to get up from this shocker and get moving... forward... on my own two feet.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
blackbird542
Member
Member # 16336
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, December 15th (Saturday)

Incredulous -- I have the same unfinished business that you do. I got him to agree to MC about two weeks out from DDay (I threw him out on DDay and he ran to her). But he would make no promises about NC or anything else so I said forget the MC. Since then I have had very very limited contact with him and no emotional content on his side. We are getting divorced. He is still with her, although he maintains a separate residence. I have not been in the same room with him since DDay and don't want to be. I think you are better off going to IC and moving ahead rather than trying to second guess his feelings/intent/motivation. You cannot trust any answer he gives you, and it will either make you want to reconcile because he is trying to be a good guy or it will hurt you further by telling you all of your "failings." The closure comes from your heart and head, not from his.

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2007
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, December 15th (Saturday)

Being left for the OP is :

Looking for you in every car that's similar to yours ;

Smelling the last pieces of clothing you left behind ;

Getting accustomed to the predominace of silence in my life ;

Crying not only because you left me, but also, and moreover because as I cry, you are in bliss in her arms ;

Going from feeling safe to fearing you because you know too well how to push those buttons ;

Having suddenly a lot of wardrobe space and not finding the resolve to use it ;

Trying to get rid of the idea that someone's waiting at home while I return ;

Still finding myself looking at a beautiful men's shirt in the mall, then realizing it's useless now ;

Having to change the message on the answering machine ;

Being always cold in bed, no matter how dressed and covered ;

Still sleeping on my side of bed and feeling ridiculous about it ;

Buying and cooking way too much food ;

Missing someone to share my days and thoughts with.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, December 15th (Saturday)

I would like to ask BSs on this thread:

Isn't the greater hurt and betrayal the WS's refusal to be remorseful and refusal to try to reconcile than the actual infidelity itself?


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
incredulous
Member
Member # 16737
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, December 15th (Saturday)

Queequeg--

Yes, I agree that the greatest pain is from the total abandonment rather than the infidelity. I keep thinking that I know I could forgive infidelity, but this total indifference to my profound pain is so hurtful it's hard to fathom. My whole world view has been turned upside down.

That's why I keep waiting for my WH to "wake up" because then at least the world would make some sense....

...and I would have some say in whether my marriage ends or not...

...and the memories from our entire relationship wouldn't be tainted by his statement that he "was never in love with me"...

I wonder if I would still feel this way if I had had even the slightest opportunity to reconcile..

[This message edited by incredulous at 10:45 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]


me: BW, now 55;
DD now 19 (adopted by me as single mom, so XWH was "Dad")
married: June, 2005, together since July, 2002
d-day: 10/21/07;
Divorced July, 2008 and he never looked back...

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Oct 2007
ittybittya
Member
Member # 7527
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, December 15th (Saturday)

Isn't the greater hurt and betrayal the WS's refusal to be remorseful and refusal to try to reconcile than the actual infidelity itself?

I'm not sure if I would say it's greater but I know that it's taken alot longer for me to get through the audacity of it all. The abandonment of my two little boys is probably what I struggle with more than anything. It's hard as a parent not to take his rejection of them personally.

I still struggle with some issues even now, 2 years post divorce. We can sometimes have civil conversations but it depends on his mood and I rarely like speaking with him, even in regards to the kids. He's kept up with every other weekend....this is suprising alone.

Something that has bothered me lately for some reason is that I know I just haven't been happy with what I'm left with now. How can I resolve enough of this to just be happy with what I've been left with?


...still has much to learn :-(

Posts: 13528 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Oklahoma
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, December 15th (Saturday)

That's why I keep waiting for my WH to "wake up" because then at least the world would make some sense...

I felt like that too. So were my inlaws, parents, and friends !

The greatest hurt was that not only did he cheat, not only did he leave, but he carlessly dragged me in the mud as much as he could on the way, witout a concern about my feelings.

Shared the details of the A with me. Praised the OW to me. Wasn't even shy to tell me he luuuuuuuved her. Dumped me on Facebook. Told everyone around about "my" issues.

From someone who swore to love and protect you, frome someoune with who you felt safe, it's those repeated kicks in the face while I was down that were the worse.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
Dad
Member
Member # 16885
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, December 15th (Saturday)

I agree that the greatest pain is the sudden and total rejection without any remorse. You are rendered powerless as you go from loved spouse to something she just wants to get rid of in order to get on with her life with the OM. The alternating cruelty and callousness that goes with it is devastating. Add to that her campaign to make the OM my DD's new father and it is almost too much pain to take.

This sudden change in what we thought of as our loving spouses is why I asked WS's about the fog on the Wayward Side. Once they enter that fog in order to protect their drug euphoria from the A, they become different people.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: 4/91
S15, D9
D-Day: 7/6/07
D Final: 2/4/08

Posts: 123 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: SoCal
blackbird542
Member
Member # 16336
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, December 16th (Sunday)

I agree that the greater pain is that the WS doesn't try to reconcile. My grown daughter likens it to the Sex in the City episode that spawned the famous line "He's just not that into you." She wrote to WH that the greatest hurt was that he didn't fight for his family -- meaning not just me but her and her sister. So yes, on top of the cheating and the lies that every betrayed spouse has to deal with, there's this sense of total abandonment to contend with. But then again, in some ways it makes the healing faster, because there is no stringing along.

[This message edited by blackbird542 at 7:56 AM, December 16th (Sunday)]


Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2007
yewtree
Member
Member # 16671
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, December 17th (Monday)

It's so painful to be here. I read these posts and find so much comfort in that I am not really alone, but that doesn't make the bed any warmer, or the food any better, or the house any noisier. The quiet and loneliness is so overwhelming sometimes. I wish I could have answers to the WHYs, and the Why Mes???


Me(BS)45(at the time of D-day)

Divorced 2009, Closing on house Nov 2011 -
No longer waiting for the other "she" to drop.


Posts: 4806 | Registered: Oct 2007
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, December 17th (Monday)

I wasn't much of a TV listener untill STBX left for good. Now it's on and I'm watching some random silly movie. I suspect I do it mostly for the noise.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, December 20th (Thursday)

Yew Tree:

Although all our marriages had problems, as do most marriages, the why of the A and the WS leaving is unanswerable for you.

It lies buried deep within the character and the psyche of your XWS.

Just as the WS might have identified to you the things that bothered him/her while you were still married, us BSs might have done a better job of identifying the important elements of character that we all expected in a mate.

Not all unhappy spouses have As.

Not all unhappy spouse run off into the sunset with an AP.

It is very hard sometimes when you are young, or maybe even a little older, to be asking the right questions about values and character before you marry.

Perhaps, however, we overlooked the little clues that were there, because we were "in love", or whatever.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps,...

But the truth is someone did not take your marriage as seriously as you did, and did not care for you as much as you cared for them.

Those are ultimately the painful facts all BSs have to come to grips with, and we need to be more demanding of character and communication the next time.

The whys lie only in the psyches of the WSs.

What the WSs need to do, I really don't know, because for them at some level marriage is a "movable feast."

[This message edited by queequeg at 9:33 AM, December 20th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
blackbird542
Member
Member # 16336
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, December 21st (Friday)

Perhaps, however, we overlooked the little clues that were there, because we were "in love", or whatever.

But the truth is someone did not take your marriage as seriously as you did, and did not care for you as much as you cared for them.

Those are ultimately the painful facts all BSs have to come to grips with, and we need to be more demanding of character and communication the next time.

Queequeeg has this just right. I don't wish to rewrite my marriage as my STBX has, but when I and my now grown daughters look back, we see those character traits of running away from problems, failing to take responsibility except in his own way at his own time, and shutting down communication.

My WS kept secrets all throughout our marriage, and the A just became the most fatal.

I'm not sure I want another relationship, but if I do have one, I will be much more realistic about what character traits make for true happiness. I read somewhere that you marry a personality, but you end up married to the character of your partner.

I think that is the differnce between "falling in love" and "being loving." All of our WSes who have left for the OP claim to be in love with their new personalities -- both their own and the OP's. We know that both have defective characters, and that's why the failure rate for these relationships is so high.

Cold comfort for those of us left behind,but in a way, I am coming to realize that as much as I still love the man I thought I was married to, that isn't the man I am now divorcing.

I am truly reaching peace about my future as a result.


Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2007
betterdaysahead
Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, December 21st (Friday)

Just joining the discussion.

My stbxh left on Father's Day June 2006. Moved in with OW and never looked back. We had just celebrated our 25th anniversary.

Never really had a chance to talk about it. I have had over a year and a half to process it and I am "over" it now. Moving on. It does get better. I am totally indifferent to him now. Have no expectations as to ever getting an apology, explanation anything.

He blames me for most of the problems...I take my portion of the blame...but I will NOT accept the greater part. You address problems...you don't run away from them.

You will feel well someday...believe me.

You will have relationships also.


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
allalonenow
Member
Member # 17263
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, December 21st (Friday)

Wow - a lot of posts to read thru on this. I definitely belong here tho.

WH left on d-day & has been living with OW ever since, with the exception of a 5 nite false R over Thanksgiving when OW didn't know he was with me. As soon as we got back into town tho he went right back to her.

Last week he said he was going to be leaving her but I don't believe it. I still want to try for R but the longer he stays living there the less likely I think that will happen.

I feel as tho I've been replaced, but I know that he traded down so I get a little satisfaction from that. Also, I've told everyone that knows us & everyone is behind me with support, he has no one backing up his decision - except himself & OW. Hope that's enough to carry them thru (NOT!)


BW 47
WH 48
D-day 11/16/07,he left me that day to move in with OW
Together 22yrs - married 11
Divorce papers filed by me 5/16/08

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: New Hampshire
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, December 21st (Friday)

On another level, allalone now, it helps me to remind myself of who (actually what) he traded down for. (You have just no idea how bad it is... learning new stuff every week... it could be a thread on its own!) Thinking about it just confirms every time that the A was NOT about me. It is definetely about my WS need for self-destruction.

I feel what could be delaying the end of my grief is waiting for those apologies that will never come. My STBXH 's moral level, at present, don't stretch further than "infidelity is ugly, bad, bad, I regret having done a bad thing. " - mostly because society says he should think so . This is so true that he felt "washed from his sins" from the minute he had decided to finally D from me.

This is the part that is the hardest to overcome : the fact that he won't acknowledge how his whole behavior really hurted me. No remorse, just regrets, as the SI people in R often say.

I find myself still waiting, not for him to come back, but for him to show remorse and apologize for the real damage he has done. The damage he witnessed every day for 2 months of false R but chose to never acknowledge. And I have to give up on that expectation if I want to get a closure and heal at some point because his coping mechanism, which is escaping from himself, won't make that possible.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 9:01 PM, December 21st (Friday)]


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
incredulous
Member
Member # 16737
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, December 22nd (Saturday)

burnt_toast,

I agreee completely wiht your post about waiting for a real apology, some sign that our WS has real remorse. I think for me, if I could just see some real remorse, it would at least be a glimmer of the man I thought I married, and maybe I could start to believe he's a decent man who made a horribly bad decision and couldn't figure out a good way out. (Does that make sense?)

I've tried to get some answers. Earlier this week, WH agreed to come to my counseling session to answer some questions for me. (Our first real discussion about things since D-day). The counselor, in my mind, practically spoon-fed WH to get him even remotely close to the point of anything remotely resembling an apology. She asked him (several times) if he had any regrets or apology to make to me. His answers:

"I regret that I didn't have the words to talk about it."

"I regret that I didn't do this the way everybody thinks I should have, but it would have still caused pain."

"I'm sorry I hurt you." (in my mind, the only real apology, weak as it is!)

and

"I'm sorry I deceived you. I didn't mean to." (Apparently, he meant to say "yes" instead of "no" when the counselor asked him if there was someone else; he meant to say "I'm sleeping with my girlfriend" instead of "I'm going to a meeting".)

I feel so much better knowing he didn't mean to deceive me -- it was all a mistake! He meant to tell me the truth all along!

The really sad part -- when I asked him if he thought saying " I'm sorry I didn't do this the way everybody thinks I should have done it, but it would have hurt anyway" was a real admission of wrongdoing and apology, he thought about it and said yes!


ETA: This from a man who is not stupid -- he's an elementary school principal with a masters' degree. You'd think by now he'd have some concept of an apology, wouldn't you?


Who is this man, and what have you done with my husband???!!!

[This message edited by incredulous at 10:00 PM, December 24th (Monday)]


me: BW, now 55;
DD now 19 (adopted by me as single mom, so XWH was "Dad")
married: June, 2005, together since July, 2002
d-day: 10/21/07;
Divorced July, 2008 and he never looked back...

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Oct 2007
roadlesstraveled
Member
Member # 13501
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, December 22nd (Saturday)

Thinking about it just confirms every time that the A was NOT about me. It is definetely about my WS need for self-destruction.

This is so true in my case. In fact, it is my xh who admits that he has always had a tendency to "self-destruct.". He traded down in the A as well..it was with a very young married co-worker who was in a "bad marriage" and had a young baby to raise. He "rescued" her in a sense which gave him the validation he had been seeking.

Even knowing all of that, it still hurts incredibly to be completely and suddenly abandoned by the person I thought I knew best in this world. My best friend, my partner, my husband. I struggled (and still struggle) with feelings of being replaced. None of it made any sense...

Earlier in this thread someone mentioned an article about falling in love with a personality and then having the true character revealed through the course of the marriage. I think I have that article saved and will post it on here if I can find it. It was the one thing that made sense to me last year as I was just beginning to go through this mess!!

Great thoughts on here- thanks everyone for sharing!!


"Life is what happens when your plans go astray."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Jan 2007
roadlesstraveled
Member
Member # 13501
Content  Posted: 8:26 AM, December 22nd (Saturday)

Found it!!

The difficultly with marriage is that we fall in love with a
personality, but we must live with a character."
- Peter Devries

We can only appreciate the profundity of this statement if we
understand what is meant by CHARACTER.
"Personality" is easy to understand. Your "personality" is how people
experience you. It's your public persona.
But what is "character?" And why is "character" so crucial in your
marriage?

Character is who you are when no one is watching.
Let me say that again so you can read it slowly and really digest it
this time.
Character is who you are when no one is watching.

You see, when you and your spouse met, you met each other's
PERSONALITIES. You showed your spouse and you were shown by your
spouse
your public personas. I'm not saying you tricked each other. It's just
your personality; how you display yourself to others.
But marriage lasts too long in too close quarters for anyone to
sustain
a public persona.

Personalities eventually give way to an INNER SELF
that gets revealed for the first time. And there you each stand, naked
as if no one is watching. But someone is watching. And that's when you
meet for the first time...again!
You and your spouse don't meet the person who charmed each other's
friends, bought gifts for each other's parents, and always smiled from
ear to ear. No, this time it's a meeting of your CHARACTERS.

In many cases, it's not only that you're meeting each other for the
first time, but it's that you're meeting YOURSELVES for the first
time.

Most people wouldn't be caught dead treating anyone the way they treat
their spouse. Most people don't recognize their own behavior. "I'm
just
not myself with him/her." Well then who is that person? That's
YOU...it's your character. (And your spouse meets their character.)

The reason so many people fail at marriage and an attempt at marriage
renewal is NOT that they don't like their spouse. It's that they don't
like THEMSELVES. And while everyone else in their life is like a
mirror
reflecting their personality; their spouse is a mirror reflecting
their
character. And most people don't like what they see.
Many people would rather choose to be with someone else than remain
with their spouse and have to continue to be with themselves. (Did you
get that?)

Balthasar Gracian wrote in his 17th century manual on success, The Art
of Worldly Wisdom, as follows: "You are as much a real person as you
are
deep. As with the depths of a diamond, the interior is twice as
important as the surface. There are people who are all facade, like a
house left unfinished when the funds run out. They have the entrance
of
a palace but the inner rooms of a cottage."
Marriage renewal and individual character development go hand-in-hand.


"Life is what happens when your plans go astray."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Jan 2007
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, December 23rd (Sunday)

"I regret that I didn't have the words to talk about it."

"I regret that I didn't do this the way everybody thinks I should have, but it would have still caused pain."

"I'm sorry I hurt you." (in my mind, the only real apology, weak as it is!)

Exactly, Incredulous ! OMG , exactly. I can totally relate. Good lord, it's like they have no soul. These ridiculous, shallow apologies, just as ridiculous as the smoke screens they used to pull on us when we were in the dark. But now we know better, don't we ? But It's so insulting it hurts.

roadlesstraveled, the article is great. So very true.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
StungAgain
Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, December 25th (Tuesday)

You can add me to this thread.


GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 826 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, December 26th (Wednesday)

Welcome, Stung Again.

And to all of you, thumbs up for getting through Christmas. The next will be better.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
amireallyhere
Member
Member # 17207
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, December 26th (Wednesday)

I was just refered to this thread.......unfortunately. My WH moved out 3 months ago and in with her. It was a realtionship he denied for tow years and still does..kind of. I'm starting to believe that it is so easy for him to leave our home to their "new home/life" is because he left our marriage the minute he started chasing after her. He just forgot to mention it to me.

It still stings, and I am in great pain because of it. He is quite happy with his decision and has no remorse. As our 17 year old daughter says, he doesnt think hes done anything wrong, therefore he will never say hes sorry' Shes so much more mature than he is.

As I said in my earlier post, its time for me to get out of denial and move on. It just kills me that he is living with her, acting like husband and wife while I am still married to him.

I'm really finding it hard to have any good thoughts about him or think of any good memories we have together.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2007
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, December 26th (Wednesday)

Welcome amireallyhere. Please take the time to read chunks of this thread. You'll find a lot of useful info there.

I agree, and many of us mentionned it on this thread, that the WS's callousness or silence is the most hurtful of things.

My IC thinks that although they look callous, they still feel pain and greif from the separation.

But I think that the main differnces between them and us are : 1. They started greiving the M in secret long before us, so they are ahead in the detaching process - the D is often the final step for them and one of the first for us ! ; 2. They numb their pain in the arms of the AP while we only have cats, dogs, relatives and pillows.

Let's hope the Karma Bus in on the express schedule for all of us!

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 7:55 PM, December 26th (Wednesday)]


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, December 26th (Wednesday)

I've got to disagree with your IC and all that, "Oh they grieved the M in secret long before you, and the D is the last step for them blah, blah, blah."

I am a male BS.

I lost 15 pounds and couldn't eat for 2 months after I found out about my wife's A and her asking for a D.

During the last years I was with my wife, I never saw her lose any real weight or eat any less.

I couldn't work the last six months we were married.

I watched my wife's business grow in secret the last year we were married.

The D was the last step for me too, after I found my wife in bed with another guy!

Before that, all I wanted to do was work on our marriage, while she was distancing and meeting none of my "needs".

I never had any indication from her there was serious trouble or that she ever seriously wanted to work on anything.

I don't believe that she felt any where near the pain or grief I felt.

For her, our marriage was a disposable piece of furniture.

I'm sorry, but from my own experience I can not buy what the IC is saying at all.

I don't think she was ever really invested in our marriage or me, as I was in her.

That's why she didn't show any manifestations of pain, because she never really gave a shit or felt real pain.

If you really care, you work your butt off, come hell or high water-just like I did and most of the BSs here!

[This message edited by queequeg at 8:19 PM, December 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, December 27th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry for your pain Queequeg - obviously everyone's story is different and I shouldn't have generalized.

My STBX H started to greive our M 6 months prior to d-day, but beleive me, he hid it so well - he could get away with it and even justify his weight loss. He was lying even to the therapist. And I suspect now that the main reason he's moving on so fast to his "fresh start" is to numb the pain and the shame.

Not that I'm defending him in any way. He acted like a selfish, shallow bastard and he doesn't deserve to feel washed from his sins simply by divorcing me He's still callous in many ways.

But then - that's just my story. His A was an exit affair. I still hope it can help other posters who experience this pain from witnessing an apparently callous WS. I don't think most stories are either all black or white. That doesn't take away our pain.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
betterdaysahead
Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, December 27th (Thursday)

My stbxh only said one thing to me..."I never meant to intentionally hurt you". I was amazed because they had carried on an affair for 8 months and carefully planned a move in to her marital home at the end of the school year...how could that not be intentional. His response..."well nothing before February was intentional".

And that was an apology! After over 25 years that was supposed to make me feel better! The irony...I was having surgery the next day for a condition that was...well use your imagination...not my fault!!!!!!!


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
Eumenides
Member
Member # 15508
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, December 27th (Thursday)

Roadlesstraveled: Thanks for posting that article excerpt. It is so very, very true!

It has taken me this long to truly internalize the fact that STBX hates himself above everyone else. In all honesty, as angry as I am and for all my own personal flaws, I don't hate him. I don't hate myself. But he's capable of loathing beyond all of my own abilities. It's taken me this long to see that he never met any of my needs, while I met every one of his without ever getting anything in return.

When I think back no, I see that he always was a liar and a cheat. He always was soul-less and rotten inside. But I looked at him and thought I saw a reasonable man. I never realized that I was so used to getting poor treatment that his minimal effort seemed passing at the time.

STBX leaving for the OP has done me one good (aside from granting me uninhibited freedom): I now see how I deserve to be treated. It is now clear that I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be listened to. I see that I am worthwhile, and not really that bad deep down.

I'm a fine, smart, helpful person, and STBX couldn't handle it. He wants someone as lost as himself.

Hooray for freedom!


Love and compassion are never enough.

Final D-Day: August 2007.
Divorce finalized: 6-16-09


Posts: 704 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Tartarus
Ron7127
Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, December 27th (Thursday)

I think my wife falls into Queeg queeg's wife's category. Never a shred of remorse or feeling badly. I found out from her family that this is her M.O. and has been for a long time.
She quit college in her senior year, sent home fake transcripts to fool her folks and was having an affair with a married man. When her dad tried to question her on this when he found out, she simply told him that it was in the past andshe would not talk about it. She hurt my kids from a prior marriage, got us in financial trouble, did nothing around the house and raged at anyone that called her on her shit(or she painted them black and out of existence). These remorseless types are severely disordered, most likely NPD or sociopaths.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, December 27th (Thursday)

What a wonderful post, Eumenides !

Ron and queequeg, I feel for both of you. How can people like that exist ?


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, December 28th (Friday)

Hugs to everyone here.

I wish my XH left for a co-worker or some worthless traded down ho. But he didn't. He left me for a friend of his he knew in high school. Someone he had a history with. Someone he knew before me. Someoene he had fond memories of and good times. They've been together now for 9 months and he seems very happy with her. He posts regularly on his blog. They live in two seperate states so they don't ever have to live together...perpetual state of bliss. My H and I just had a baby when he left for her...I wonder if he's truly happy. I don't think I will ever see regrets from him. He gets to see his baby faithfully every week with none of the responsibilities. Plus he gets to be loved by someone else.

They both had a wonderful Christmas and went to the opera, go traveling and make love often. I am elbow deep in baby poop and spend my nights trying to put her to sleep. My daughter is my world and the love of my life but I would have never brought her into this world knowing that her parents don't even acknowledge each other.

[This message edited by devastated07 at 7:49 PM, December 28th (Friday)]


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, December 28th (Friday)

(((devastated)))


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
amireallyhere
Member
Member # 17207
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, December 28th (Friday)

thank you for the welcome,

I have been reading pass post here and they are fimilar and helpful.

I went to IC yesterday. One of the things I have trouble dealing with is just how quickly and final our seperation was. I started insisting in Aug. 2007 that WH either give up his "friendship" with OW and start working on our marriage or move out. Well in Sept. he chose to move out. Said it was temporay. He forgot to mention that his so called "were just friends relationship" was more and he moved in with her.

I was telling IC that I never had a chance to make it better or to work on things, she said "He did you a favor, he saved you time" At the time I thought it was funny but sad. But now I think shes right. Why would he carry on an A for three years, move in with her, and than decide to come back so soon? Does it ever work? I still have so much anger for him and resentment for all that he has done that I would still be the angry bitch I was while he was living with me. I fueled his decision in leaving. I could not control my anger. I knew I was being lied to and he kept denying it. I was so frustrated.

And now, I am left to wonder just how wonderful his life is with her. They left the area. Have no responsibilities, rarely talks with his kids and he doesnt have to wittness my anger anymore. I want to know if it was worth all the lies to finally end up with her. Does he think he made the right decision? Was it worth it? Is she really all that he thought she was? Did I really mean so little to him that he just up and left without looking back?

My answers are in his actions. Yes he's happy, yes he's in love, yes he thinks she's better than me, yes he thinks she's worth the effort and yes he is having fun.

My H is living with his girlfriend, I have no other choice but to file for divorce. Neither H or OW see anything wrong with what they did or their living arrangements. Am I the only sane on here? (Besides you all)

Just needed to talk. Having another sad day, fully realizing that after 25 years I AM GETTING DIVORCED. Sad, but true.

I dont have a desire to contact ow or speak with her. Strangely enough I dont have any feelings towards her, good or bad. Shes is a stupid slut without morals or character. How could she possibly feel good about herself to screw a married man with three kids for three years and than finally get the prize. I dont think so.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2007
Eumenides
Member
Member # 15508
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, December 28th (Friday)

((((amireallyhere)))))

You will probably hear this a lot, and it may take a long time for it to really sink in, but please, please don't blame yourself for your WH's actions. You did not make him leave. You did not make him have an affair. Those were his decisions, they were his actions. You can't take responsibility for his poor, poor choices in life.

Of course you're angry! You have every right in this world and the next to be angry! You made vows to your husband, just as he made vows to you. You upheld your end faithfully, while he snuck around behind your back, breaking them. What he did to you and your family was cold, calculated betrayal. Your anger didn't drive him away, ami, he pulled out of the marriage on his own.

A remorseless and absent spouse is beyond the pits. I blamed myself for months over the dissolution of my own marriage. Sometimes, I am still tempted to do so. But I'm only human, and you're only human. We can't take the actions of other people on our own shoulders. He didn't ask you whether having an affair was okay with you or not. He did it all on his own.

I look back now on my entire relationship with STBX, and there were red flags standing out all over the place like damned battle standards. It was like I was wearing blinders, because at the time, I could not handle the truth. It wasn't until I joined this site and found out about gaslighting that things started to come together. Without the support of the strong and caring people on here, I never would have stood up for myself and said, "No more!"

You are strong, you will make it! You will be okay! Please, don't blame yourself, I say again. You have done all in your power, whether you feel like it right now or not. You have the ability to love, to trust, and to remain faithful. You are a beautiful, strong person, whether your WH realizes it or not.

One thing that has helped me tremendously has been to separate STBX's actions from my own. As in, I don't own his past, present, or future actions. He is no longer my concern unless it involved our daughter. Separating yourself from your WS, mind and body, will help you feel stronger. I can't tell you how many times I've had to go back and read the 180, repeating it till it's almost a mantra. It takes time, it takes going through pain, and it's very, very hard. But it is very, very worth it.

You are strong, you are faithful, and you are accountable for you and not him. We're here for you! Keep posting!

(Sorry if that was a bit long!)


Love and compassion are never enough.

Final D-Day: August 2007.
Divorce finalized: 6-16-09


Posts: 704 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Tartarus
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, December 30th (Sunday)

Eumenides:

Just saw your post.

Really, really wonderful stuff.

It should be helpful to all BSs of either gender.

Thank you for the very thoughtful post.


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
amireallyhere
Member
Member # 17207
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, December 30th (Sunday)

euimenides,

I have been feeling really strong since your post to me. Thank you I definately needed it at the time.

Unfortunately, I hit such a low place yesterday evening that contiunes into today. Crying none stop for hours. Asking myself: Why, what if, why did he do this, is she really better than me, am I that horible that I deserved this, will I always be lonely, why did he do this to our kids, when will the pain stop and so on. It's been hard for me to put that "Everything will be okay" face on for the kids. Further acknowledgment that I am a loser.

I know his actions has nothing to do with me.(do I really know that?) I know that I will some time soon find myself in a better space. I know that if he really does love her more than me and our family, than that's where he belongs. Put the pain in my heart and mind is just unbearable.

I keep wondering how is it possible that he has moved on so quickly.Already playing house with someone else. How long had he been checked out of our marriage and into his life with her. I feel so left out of his life. That I didnt have a say in any of this. That my whole life has been altered without my permission. So betrayed.

I spent the afternoon filling out divorce papers. I need to file on Wednesday. I know this will help in my recovery and moving on. Its been three months since he moved out. I dont know how long since he mentally checked out. Hes living with her. Blissfully. Hes given me no indication of remorse, coming back, missing me or an apology. So why is it so hard for me to file for divorce? Why do I have to do it? Why wont he do it?

My support of friends is telling me to move on. Focuss on myself and the new life I am going to build. Enough already with the sadnes and questions. He's gone. I use to have the same attitude........if they dont love you than forget them. But I am now finding myself in this situation after twenty five years with a lot of questions, remorse and self doubt.

The person I really want to talk to is unavaiable to me. In love with another. Even while I was filling out the divorce papers I wanted to reach out to him for advice. What a fool! That is no longer a option for me. I cant even contact him to discuss our children. We dont speak at all. When I do speak with him I act like a crazy bitch, which I dont really think I am.

Well, I am just whinning now. I need to pick myself up and fake my happiness until I am happy.

I hope it is okay to vent and feel sorry for myself here. I needed to purge. Thanks for listening everyone!


Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2007
Eumenides
Member
Member # 15508
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, December 30th (Sunday)

Ami,

It's okay, really, it's okay. I could written that entire post myself two months ago. I know that your friends might have good intentions when they tell you to just move on, but you can't just cut ties and be better so fast. This is a grieving process. It's going to take time, lots and lots of time, to feel better.

Getting saddled with the decision to file, having full responsibility of the kids, having your life ripped asunder, all of that is so, so familiar. Why do they (the AWOL WSes) stick us BSes with this stuff? How *can* they just move on and play happy? I've asked myself those questions over and over again. Honestly, I don't have a concrete answer. And besides, any answer would be cold comfort since it doesn't change a thing.

I would say that people like your husband and mine (and the WSes of countless others on SI) are extremely good at separating love from want. I have often wondered if my WS is even capable of love. Do they understand love, or do they define it differently than we do? Honestly, I can't say for sure. One thing I do know; usually when consequences enter the fairytale existence that the WS and AP build up for themselves, the relationship doesn't last. (Not always, but often.) Again, cold comfort, but something to ponder.

Talking on the phone with someone who's done you the way your WS has takes Herculean strength. I suggest using e-mails, and sitting on your replies for 24 hours before sending them. You have every right to blow up at him and make a scene, but it doesn't help you or your kids. Not to mention, you probably feel like crap after it's all over. Definitely, e-mail is great if possible.

You aren't a loser, for sure. And of course you know that his actions aren't your fault. Intellectually, I think all BS know that. But the heart doesn't always agree with the brain. It takes a long time for it to really take root emotionally and not just intellectually. It's okay to vent here. Vent away!

Take care.


Love and compassion are never enough.

Final D-Day: August 2007.
Divorce finalized: 6-16-09


Posts: 704 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Tartarus
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, December 31st (Monday)

Roadlesstraveled:

Flipping through the posts on this thread again, and just reread your post from Saturday at 9:26 AM.

Personality versus character.

If I may say so, a profound analysis.

An outstanding thought, and something that is not obvious. It should really help everyone understand WSs.

Thank you for that post, it is outstanding.

You should repost if somewhere so others can read it.

I've thought about this a lot and never looked at it in quite that way.

Thanks.


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, December 31st (Monday)

I dread new year's eve. I'm afraid that I'll only be able to think of them at midnight.

I'll be out clubbing (OMG! it's been years) with single friends I've gathered, but honnestly, I'd rather be in the bathtub.

Sorry, I logged in to write new year whishees to you all, but I realise I might need some for myself as well.

May we all find peace in our hearts and learn to embrace solitude and independance for 2008. Because after all, we ARE great company.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, December 31st (Monday)

burnt_toast:

Most BSs are great people who were doing the best they could in their marriages.

We were faithful, and honest, and flawed like all other human beings.

We were trusted and we proved we do not betray a trust.

Alone, coupled, whatever, we will survive and prosper, always knowing we have integrity and did not willfully destroy a marriage.

Happy New Year, and all the Best for 2008!!!!

[This message edited by queequeg at 4:55 PM, December 31st (Monday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
amireallyhere
Member
Member # 17207
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, December 31st (Monday)

Here's looking forward to a better 2008!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The end of the year always brings time for reflection of all that has happened throughout the year. Its a time to say, good job, you can do better, I liked that or on no I wish that didnt happen. As I look back to all that has transpired for me this year, I am wanting a do over. But I know that is not possible. We do the best we can at the time. And if we fall short, well hopefully we learn and grow from the experience. I will always look back at 2007 as the year that my dream's ended. Not that I had a dream marriage at the time, but the dream that it would get better. The dream that I did marry someone worthy of my love, honesty, trust and commitment. I lost the dream that I would grow old with this person, that he would remain faithful to me and our family. I lost the dream that I was indeed a good judge of character. To me this was a year full of losses. I lost the dream I had for myself, my marriage, my family and our children.

But I know I will have other dreams. And I will work harder to achieve the outcome of what I want. I didnt want this, but it is what it is. I will not live in denial, I will not settle for someone who doesnt want me.

It was a hard day for me putting the final touches on my divorce agreement. I file Wednesday. The dream that it would never happen gone.

On the bright side, I did get good news about my biopsey of my stomach. No cancer.........YEAH. I do have bleeding ulcers but that can be managed.

So I gratefully leave 2007 behind, and somewhat look forward to 2008.

Stay safe everyone and take care of yourselfs.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2007
blackbird542
Member
Member # 16336
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, December 31st (Monday)

Hello Everyone and Happy New Year. I have decided that 2008 is my year to really become the person I want to be without anyone to hold me back. My daughters are grown and very supportive and my WH is probably "celebrating" with the OW tonight but I met with him yesterday for the first time since DDay and he looked AWFUL and I looked like a million bucks. Just remember the horrible cliche that virtue is its own reward. I can't claim to be an angel but I know that I, like all of you, can look in the mirror and not be disgusted. My WH and many others cannot say the same. Even ifyour WS is seemingly blissfully happy, I feel tht the karma bus eventually stops by.

My advice to all is -- find your own inner self. Cherish who you are, dont let others define you and remember that eventually what goes around comes around for all those WS folks who think they can escape consequences.

[This message edited by blackbird542 at 7:13 PM, December 31st (Monday)]


Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2007
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)

Just had to add a quick update : I had a blast last night.

We can make it !


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday)

I wanted to share this Hugh MacLeod cartoon this morning :

It just seems so right.
Happy new year to all of you!

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 12:30 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday)

I posted this in general... about why the WS leaves and just wanted to share in case you didn't get a chance to read it.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=206895


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
HeartOfGlass
Member
Member # 17626
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, January 5th (Saturday)

I wish SO much I wasn't a member of this club. But I am. I believe as I type, she is enjoying my furniture, petting my cat & no doubt XXX'ing my WS to boot while I sit here, still blindly in another state. It hurts SO much she is SO FOS and he is SO blind :(


BSO (me) 32 WSO (him) 27
4 Ddays False R #3 (final) Jan 1/07
Engaged/togthr 7 yrs. MOW D'ing BH for my WSO. I'm movin' on & glad of it!

Posts: 407 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Midwest
ittybittya
Member
Member # 7527
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, January 5th (Saturday)

I don't post much on this topic and I'm not really sure why....

But, my XH married OP this past year he told me. I felt NOTHING. I remember thinking it would be my greatest fear post dday. It isn't. It never will be.

Yes I think it is a bit comical that they married but I'm also hopeful that maybe it'll work out for them. Not because I'm that nice of a person lol....

I just always thought it was ironic that two people left marriages to marry each other. What makes people think they have that great of a chance to make it work? I can't even fathom remarrying and I'm cool with that.

Just wanted to put this out there.


...still has much to learn :-(

Posts: 13528 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Oklahoma
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, January 5th (Saturday)

Update on the regrets topic...

My STBX came home today for D related stuff... expressed lots of regrets, said he's been extremely mean to me and acted like an unmoral jerk... recognized the pain he inflicted me on several precise occasions.

And you know what ? It did me NO GOOD. NADA.

I've been hoping for apologies and the recognition of the pain specific things he's done inflicted me... got it and... no... not of any help. It made me suffer like hell, like a sour, terrible joke.

It's just too late once everything is destroyed. Apologies don't rebuild anything.
Apologies don't make beautiful children.
Apologies don't pay the rent.
Apologies don't hug.
Apologies don't give orgasms.
Apologies don't bring you soup when you are sick.
Apologies don't keep your bed warm at night.
Apologies don't make dinner when you're working overtime.
Apologies do less than any good AD's on the market.

I know that the lack of closure and regrets from the WS is a hot topic among us on this thread.

Now what I wanna say is this : I realized today that it's a waste of time and energy to wait for healing and closure to come from them. And if it doesn't come from them, it means we must have all what it takes to make it happen from within.

Lets not make our happiness depend on them anymore.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 9:51 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
amireallyhere
Member
Member # 17207
Revenge  Posted: 5:47 PM, January 6th (Sunday)

I am starting to agree that WH showing regret and admiting to all the damage he has done wont change a thing. burnt_toast is absoutely right, none of those things will change with an "I'm sorry"

I too am waiting for WH to announce his impending marriage. Ofcourse he has to divorce me first. I have this sick feeling OW is pregant.

Our area was hit heavy with a storm on Friday. We have been without electricty since then and it probably wont be back on for another three days. It is the first crises I have had to manage on my own. Trying to take care of the home, the kids and making sure everything is safe for us. I have been anixous and angry. Why isnt he here to help us, me. To top it all off he closed our joint bank account on Thursday, took remaining money and hasnt sent me anything for this month. Why does he keep piling this shit on me. I have so much to worry about. I am doing okay and do realize I can do it all on my own. Whether I wanted to or not, I am.

I have a questions to ask everyone.........I have told my children, age 16 & 17,and WH that they could not visit him at his new home until we are divorced. I have stated that it is wrong to be living with OW while married to me and have his impressionable children stay with them. I told him he could get a hotel and have them come and stay if he wants to see them there. (money for him is not a problem) he says that it is life and I should deal with it. I think why would you want your children to see you living like that. It is wrong on so many differant levels I cant believe I would have to explain that to him. I told him also to file for divorce to speed it up for our children to visit him at his love nest if thats what he wants. (No I havent filed yet) Am I being unreasonable? I know part of it is that I am not ready, but a big part just seems so wrong to me. Dont you think the kids will be uncomfortable? They havent asked to go, but they also know how I feel. No one has pushed the issue with me. What do you think?


Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2007
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, January 6th (Sunday)

he says that it is life and I should deal with it.

And children carrying guns in 3rd world nations is life too. Doesn't mean it's healthy for them. You do what what is in the best interests of your children and you are most comfortable with.

ETA: "This is life" is just a cop-out to deny responsibility for what he did. Life didn't do this. He did.

[This message edited by SerJR at 5:59 PM, January 6th (Sunday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, January 6th (Sunday)

he says that it is life and I should deal with it.

I agree with Ser... it's easy for them to banalize it, but it doesn't make it better.

I applause you for sticking to your principles and morals and not let him feed you this BS.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, January 7th (Monday)

Came here to vent. There is a thread about Forgivness in General and some people talk about the A "not being about them" and how over time they can forgive the WS. But when you have been abandoned by the WS for the OP, how can you say "it wasn't about me"? How can you say, "I can forgive them over time"? Sometimes I need to separate myself from the Reconciliation crowd...the people whose WS came back to them to try again. WSs who came crying back for forgivness...then forgiveness, over time, is a piece of cake for them. But for us, hell, we have to use up all our energy to make our ex's as irrelevant as possible to our lives. Forgivness be damned. Is forgiveness possible for the betrayed?


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, January 7th (Monday)

I'm not sure, devastated. I'm not sure. Maybe their importance in our lives will gently fade away as we rebuild ourselves, perhaps find a new partner... But forgiveness ? I'm really not sure at this point. I believe though that I will think forever of my WS as very, very foolish and selfish. But at some point, maybe it won't matter that much anymore. Time will tell.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)

I think you're right burnt_toast. You will find two camps of thought on SI on that matter. The first believes that we can always forgive. The second believes that sometimes you can't, but you can come to acceptance.

The thinking for the 'acceptance camp' is that for forgiveness to take place it involves two parties - the one that was offended, and the one that offended who must be remorseful and want forgiveness. You can't really forgive someone who doesn't want it. All that can be done is to accept that the offense happened (after grieving) and move forward with life without holding onto resentment.

[This message edited by SerJR at 11:42 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)

@ Ser
Looking forward to that day.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
kwash
Member
Member # 13957
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)

I am living the debate of forgiving with/without remorse. I would agree that it is different - being given the opportunity to R has a lot to do with forgiveness in my mind.

My exH left me for the OW and never looked back. They are married now. He even had the gall (wish I had a better word) to tell me that our M could have been repaired but that it was easier to leave me and start fresh than to stay and work for it. I've given it a lot of thought over the years and explored forgiveness in IC and so far nothing. I have stopped actively not forgiving them, but I wouldn't say that I have forgiven them. Frankly I don't think I ever will.

Fast forward to now - my FWBF had dinner with a woman he met online (he says that is all that happened - I figure more, but that's another story). It was still devastating to be betrayed and I felt/feel many of the same things I did when my ex-H cheated and then left me for OW. FWBF is remorseful, working hard and readily agreed to MC. We're 10 months from d-day and I don't know if I've forgiven him yet, but I think I am on my way to.

I do believe that it is possible to forgive after a betrayal, though I wouldn't waste much energy on those who do nothing to earn it.


Posts: 2194 | Registered: Mar 2007
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, January 12th (Saturday)

burnt_toast speaks wisely:

"Let's not make our happiness depend on them anymore."

And as for forgiveness? I quote the Dixie Chicks -- "I'm not ready to make nice."

And amireallyhere -- you're the mother. you have the right and the responsibility to pass on your values to your kids. YOUR values.

Agh!
Being left for the OP stinks in every way, but, at least in my case, I think it's a bit like that speech from "Macbeth" -- the WS/XH and OW are "like two spent swimmers that do cling together and choke their art." In other words, they came together, each hoping to be "saved" and instead it appears they are drowning in debt and chaos.
I am not gloating. No really. I'm not.
Really!


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, January 13th (Sunday)

Devastated,
I have not been in your particular situation, but I thought I'd share my view of things. Forgiveness is overrated. I see no reason for it. This does not mean that you are consumed daily, monthly whatever with hatred and bile towards those you have not forgiven. It just means that you have not forgiven them. I have not forgiven my XH. I doubt, REALLY doubt, I ever will. He is a vile, evil person. Why should I forgive him? It doesn't cause me any inner turmoil or guilt. I just don't forgive him because he as done nothing to deserve my forgiveness. And this causes me no problems whatsoever.

Now I understand that many have faith practices that encourage or even compell them to forgive. And I respect that. It's right for them. But I'm not of that ilk. And I don't forgive him because he has done absolutley nothing to earn my forgiveness. Or deserve it. And therefore I'm not giving it. To do so would feel wierd, not natural, forced. (religion actually feels that way to me but that's just me). I don't feel it. He has done nothing to earn or deserve it. I'm not forcing myself to give it.

This is my view. Maybe (probably not because I realize it goes against the prevailing religious beliefs here) it will be helpful. If not, ignore it.


Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
amireallyhere
Member
Member # 17207
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, January 14th (Monday)

FORGIVENESS??????????????

I think that most WH/WW that betray their spouses set off on an intentional path to hurt the one they are betraying. How can you ever truely forgive someone who knows right from wrong, good from bad and honesty from dishonesty?

Forgiveness is for yourself not the one who betrays you. I think we all need to resolve what has happened to us and move on. Do we forgive them.....hell no. To me forgiveness would mean accepting that what WH has done was okay. That even though WH knew what he was doing in destorying our marriage and family, its okay. It is not okay and they know it just as we do. It is not okay to be a selfish self centered human being who puts your own happiness above all others. It is not okay to knowingly lie and decieve another for your protection.

No, I will never forgive WH for what he has done to me, our marriage and our children. He does not deserve it. Forgiveness might be a one night stand, not two years of lies. And when they do leave you for the OP I for one wonder how do they live with themselves. How can you base your new found happiness on others pain.

No, forgiveness is too easy. With deliberte actions, forgiveness does not come.

Now I value my faith, I do believe it is not our place to judge one another. Only our higher being can make a judgement about ones actions and chacater. Thats why I think it is important that for our own sake we forget and move on. I have to believe all of my WH sins will catch up with him. He will pay and suffer sooner or later. My job is not to let this toxic human being destory the rest of my life. He has already done enough damage. I am no longer giving him anymore power over my life. His time come and I will GLOAT in his new found reality.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2007
learningasIgo
Member
Member # 15238
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, January 17th (Thursday)

I think that the reason we are urged to forgive is for our own good. This is why so many religions encourage it. It's because hanging on to anger is harmful ultimately to our own selves. BUT I think it's possible to get to a place where you are no longer engaged with anger and still do not forgive. That's where I'm at. My XH takes up no more of my energy now from my anger, hatred, etc. That's done. I finally got through it and realized how toxic it was TO ME. But that doesn't mean I forgive him. Since my religious beliefs don't demand it, why should I? He's a horrible person who did terrible things to me and his children and continues to be toxic to them and he has no remorse or guilt. Why should I forgive him? I see no reason for it. I just want him AWAY from me which I've achieved. :)

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2007
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, January 20th (Sunday)

To those who married your XWS, because they were special and you shared some very important moments in your life with them before they left for the AP, are you sometimes still haunted by warm thoughts about them years after the D?

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
movingonandup
Member
Member # 17820
Angry  Posted: 7:47 PM, January 20th (Sunday)

I also have a hard time with this forgiveness stuff. I am no way close to being able to consider that right now. I'm hoping to some day be able to let go and have this all behind me, but forgiveness??? I guess in my case I won't ever need to forgive, because as far as stbxh is concerned I'm the only one at fault. Maybe some day he can forgive me.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Indiana
amireallyhere
Member
Member # 17207
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday)

queeequeg:

I am not divorced YET. It will be sometime this year. What I do know is that I have no fond memories of WH. I havent fallen into the rewriting of our marriage that WH has but I find it hard to remember anything that I dont now associate with a lie. I dont know how long WH has been the person he is now. Probably for our entire 25yrs together. I now associate all memmories with lies.

Sadly, anything that was once special between us is now tarnished with the memory of his lying and cheating. His true intentions was to hurt me and he finally has.

I know with time the strength of my feelings will soften but I will always remember the hurt and betrayal which will never allow any fond memories to surface.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2007
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday)

but I will always remember the hurt and betrayal which will never allow any fond memories to surface.
This is the key to my healing and ultimately, my survival. But sometimes when I think of the warm fond memories, I acknowledge and move on with great speed. It helps.

[This message edited by devastated07 at 11:54 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
Betrayed74
Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday)

Unfortunately, I DO remember the good times and warm moments and memories. Wish I could latch on to the lies and betrayal and believe me, I haven't forgotten but I do miss the good times we had and had there been a chance for R, I probably would have taken it. Blah.

He said something to me last week when we spoke on the phone--he said it without being prompted and fairly out of the blue. It was:

'I don't blame you for anything.'

Good. Because I know I am in no way to blame for what he did.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
Heartbroken129
New Member
Member # 14289
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday)

I have been doing so good here lately. Since January 1st, I have felt like a new person. I am coming up on the 1 year anniversary of D-day and I can feel myself going down. All of a sudden I am more emotional about everything. This is the time when everything was so bad. I compare now to then and I have come so far but I am really hurting right now. My XH is still with the OW. I also received an email from another woman from a while back that wanted to apologize for everything that happened. When I dug a little deeper [because I had suspected something with her years ago, but things had changed or so I thought] I found out that he had never stopped talking with her and that she had talked to him up until the wedding. She said that she was sorry for everything that happened and for the part she played in it. She said she admired me for everything that I had put up with and how much I had overcome. She said she finally realized that he was the bad person and not me. It made me feel good for a little while, but it has also brought me way down. I didn't realize she was in the middle of everything too. It just makes me feel like even a bigger fool for marrying him. I don't understand how I missed it. I guess there was always the thought in the back of my head but I figured I must be wrong because if I was right why would he marry me. I just don't understand and I am beginning to feel hopeless about ever feeling better.


BS: 25
FWS: 25
Dated 8.5 years; Married 13 weeks
DDay: 03/10/2007


Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2007
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, January 24th (Thursday)

Uhhh! I'm so mad. I just found out exH has a driver's license! While we were married he NEVER had a driver's licesne and had no desire to get one. I used to chaufer us around, even while pregnant. I used to BEG him to get one. Now that he is with stupid piss-smelling OW he got one. Of course, she lives in another state so he probably felt that OW chauffering him around didn't look good.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, January 24th (Thursday)

Oh, Devastated, I could say that with tuns of things, including losing weight, new clothes, and fresh underwear... typical.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
lmom
Member
Member # 15762
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, January 25th (Friday)

[This message edited by lmom at 10:49 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 332 | Registered: Aug 2007
amireallyhere
Member
Member # 17207
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, January 25th (Friday)

I had a major set back today that has just left me desevested and feeling like I am at day one again.

I havent spoken to WH since Jan 3rd. He text me last night saying he wanted to come see the kids next week. Asked if it was alright with me. He hasnt seen them in two months. Ofcourse its okay. But my daughter (17) doesnt want to see him or speak with him. She says they have nothing to talk about and shes done with him. I have tried to encourage her to speak with him, but I think she needs time to heal from the pain and anger.

Well he wanted to talk with me about this so I did. Big mistake. Two things really hurt me about our conversation.
First: He started bringing up the past. Saying that I never wanted to be married to him and that we were both there because of the kids. Also, if I were a good mom I would want and encourage his relationship with the kids. He says I am bad mouthing him. It is now my job to make nice with him to help our kids get through this. I have been asking him for help since he left and he just blew me off. He said some more hurtful things about how bad our marriage had been. He made up things that didnt happen and spoke of feelings I never had.
Second: I could clearly see he has resolved our marriage and break up to fit his memories. I know he has been living with her but this is the first time I heard in his voice that he has really moved on. That he was okay with his decision and his only concern was reestablishing a relationship with the kids. He wants us to talk once a week so I can update him and keep him connected so he can repair the relationships.

I cant do that. I want my kids to have their dad in their lives but they know how I feel about him. I tell them what happened between us was our stuff and that their dad loves and misses them. But his actions and absentance sends out a differant messages. He doesnt get this at all. Besides they are teenagers and I myself have difculity talking and maintaing a relationship with at times. I think their reactions to him are normal. They are fully aware of what has happened and how it happened.

I am just really sad to see things working out so happily for him while I am still so sad. He has never told me before that he was just here for the kids. I cant help wonder just how perfect things are for them. how he compares his happiness with her to his misery with me. I cant stop the movie reel in my head.

It is bad enough getting a divorce after 25 years, but to lose your WH to another women he thinks so highly of and loves. Its very painful. I am having problems dealing with the break up, rejection, sadness and the future. He has found love and happiness and has a great future.


I can not talk with him anymore. It just throws me back into a depression I am fighting so hard to get out of.

I know time will heal, but it sure is taking its time. I wonder if I will truely ever get over this pain and sadness.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2007
allalonenow
Member
Member # 17263
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, January 26th (Saturday)

I can't see or talk to WH right now. I either end up a crying basketcase mess or an insane angry bitch. The pain is so intense inside me!!! And what makes it worse is the lack of emotion from him.

I know that eventually he will crash & burn. I just hope I can stay strong & NOT be there to help him, he wasn't here to help me. Then he'll really find out what he's done becuz he's burned all his bridges with family & friends. Hopefully by then I'll be healed enough to not care (even if I will gloat a little ).


BW 47
WH 48
D-day 11/16/07,he left me that day to move in with OW
Together 22yrs - married 11
Divorce papers filed by me 5/16/08

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: New Hampshire
hopeless05
New Member
Member # 17947
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, January 27th (Sunday)

Does anyone believe these types of relationships work? My stbx is still with the whore that he left us for and its been a little over 1 year. I have heard once the affair is exposed they normally only last 6-12 months. Does anyone know if this is true?

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Oklahoma
tkd1
Member
Member # 6661
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, January 27th (Sunday)

hopeless05 I am in the same sitch as you. I cling to the little things I read about "relationships born from affairs are doomed" and 2nd and 3rd marriages are much more likely to not work out....because this is her THIRD marriage.

I do want my WXH back. I can't get over that. I can't believe that something that came out of so much suffering and lies can last.

But I think I am just torturing my self, in the long run.


"I Just need a compass and a willing accomplice." P!nk, Crystal Ball

Posts: 2930 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: SE Ga
betterdaysahead
Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, January 27th (Sunday)

We were married over 25 years...he left one day and moved in with OW...they've been together over a year and from all accounts are VERY happy.

Do I care? NO....Will it work? Who knows.


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
HeartOfGlass
Member
Member # 17626
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, January 27th (Sunday)

Ditto here. 7 yrs together, he meets some cyber MOW & kaboom destroys four families. Smart guy...:P


BSO (me) 32 WSO (him) 27
4 Ddays False R #3 (final) Jan 1/07
Engaged/togthr 7 yrs. MOW D'ing BH for my WSO. I'm movin' on & glad of it!

Posts: 407 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Midwest
carpediembaby
Member
Member # 17480
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, January 28th (Monday)

I pretty much fit in this category.

I am being kicked out of the house by my WSO because "MOW wanted to live here". You know, because he(WSO) wants to take his life in a "different direction".

I have some suggestions for the "different direction" he can take this new life....


"Zoccu si schifia, veni tempu chi s'addisìa"
--sicilian proverb: In time you'll want what you had scorned.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: NE Ohio
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, January 28th (Monday)

Can a relationship/marriage that "comes out of so much suffering and lies" last?

Sometimes they can. My 1st H left me in 28 years ago for the OW who was my former BF. They married 1 month after we were D. They are still together.

They ended up losing the house and have lived in a trailer park for the past 20 years and are not happy. They both gave up so much to be together that they are hell-bent to prove to the world that they can stay together, no matter what.

My last H married the OW within a year of the D. That was 3 years ago. They are still together. Will it last? Probably, as long as her money and his narcissistic supply holds out.

In other words, these 2 couples had a lot of problems before their relationships began. They didn't suddenly become healthy when they married. These 4 people are still the dishonest, shallow and disturbed people they were when they met. So they stay together because they are so much alike.

And it doesn't hurt anymore. I have moved on and done so much better things with my life without either of them.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, January 28th (Monday)

Just wanted to share: I am reading this book called "How can I forgive you?" and it is excellent. Basically it says you CANNOT forgive someone if they have not earned it or if they are not in your life. Forgivness is a two way street. The offender has to WANT forgivness. Secondly, Acceptance is the path to true healing for those who cannot forgive. Acceptance is when you acknowledge that you will not view the offender as the ultimate enemy anymore. You will move on without them because when you hate them they become the center of your world. Acceptance is when you give up on them consuming your thoughts. This weekend I actually emailed my ex and outright told him that I will not treat him coldly anymore. He was consuming my thoughts way too much. I told him I will give him the courtesty that I would give any stanger. I did this for me, not for him. I highly recommend this book.

[This message edited by devastated07 at 7:06 AM, January 28th (Monday)]


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, January 28th (Monday)

I have heard once the affair is exposed they normally only last 6-12 months. Does anyone know if this is true?

Hopeless: Trust some of the "veterans" on this board. Once you work on your healing and consider yourself semi-healed (long process) you will not care if they last 1 year or 100. You just won't care...and its a good feeling.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)

Thanks for sharing the book reference, Devastated. I'll be looking for it.

Anger is consuming me right now. I'm hoping once I'm over with the D, I can focus on expressing some of that anger to STBX, then start to let that tension go.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
It_Hurts
Member
Member # 16632
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, February 2nd (Saturday)

My STBXW told me/threatened me last night that she will marry her OM. I doubt that'll happen, he's screwing another married woman besides my STBXW and he has other girlfriends too, my STBXW knows about them and accepts them apparently, but she said it to try to fire me up and make me angry and laughed when I asked her why would I care. She pointed to our 3 y/o son and mockingly told me her OM would be around my son....

Man my STBXW is a POS....anyway, I'm here to vent I guess.
Cheating spouses have no idea how much they hurt those that once loved them. Even now on the road to D, she has to try to hurt me. I did nothing but love her and even wanted to R more than anything...I honestly could've forgiven her for her A and worked on forgetting if she would just put in any effort into R and would go NC.
Today's been really tough. I have my son this weekend and when I look at him, he's so amazing, but he will never know what it's like to live in a home with both parents. It breaks my heart.

[This message edited by It_Hurts at 11:31 PM, February 2nd (Saturday)]


BS (me) 34
WS (her) 35
On the road to D

It_Hurts - The SI thread killer!

Trying to look forward now, not backwards.


Posts: 378 | Registered: Oct 2007
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, February 8th (Friday)

Are there any WSs here who could answer the following question:

In most marriages the BS probably does as many good things for the WS as things that disappoint.

Can WSs explain to me how they can focus on only the negatives and disappointments and none of the good things the BS has done (assuming of course there is not physical abuse, or substance abuse etc.) before they start their A and leaving?


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
snowontheroof
Member
Member # 16712
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, February 9th (Saturday)

queequeg,

I can only relay what my daughter told me. She said that she tried on a DAILY basis to explain what she needed i.e. stop spending every dime we have, think about getting a job that pays more or a second job so that you are an equal contributor since you are spending 3 times what I do. Stop avoiding my every touch as though my hand is on fire. Try actually talking to me so that I don't feel like I am in the room alone. Put my needs ahead of you mothers. Please don't stay drunk from Friday night til Sunday night, I come from a southern state and have never dealt with foot deep snow how about coming to get me when I am scared and call you for help after working a 12 hour shift. 6 months of this and guess what the OM (neighbor) was johnny on the spot when the 23 year old beautiful newlywed called crying because she was 1000 miles from home and her husband only told her to man up when she was insecure and afraid. I don't know but somewhere in this mess you might find the answer to your question. It still makes me sick to think about it.


Posts: 61 | Registered: Oct 2007
green_eyed_devil
Member
Member # 18139
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, February 11th (Monday)

I'm new here and have been reading thru some of the posts. A little intro. My partner and I had been together for 6 years when he started having an EA with someone he met at work (didn't work with her but she spent a lot of time there). I was 7 months pg at the time and we weren't married. I told him I wasn't going to deal with it and kicked him out of our home. He moved in with OW, who BTW was only 18 and still lived at home with her mom! He married her 2 months later. She knew she had him and wasted no time planning a wedding when he was still shaken up over losing his life with me and our children. They married 7/7/02 and our youngest son was born 7/11/02. By the next month she was pregnant (told him she was taking birth control but was flushing the pills). He tried to divorce her but couldn't since she was pg. He left her when their daughter was 3 months old (8/03) and their divorce was final in 10/04. In 1/04 I agreed to let him move back in with me after coming home from active duty with the army. We finally married just last March, but have been together since 3/96, minus those 2 years with her.

I often wonder if I did the right thing by taking him back. The hatred and hurt was so awful while he was with her. He was so depressed and attempted suicide and I hated her for making him so miserable and trapping him into a marriage and child. But I also felt they deserved each other completely. We still are working on issues, mainly those surrounding the OC who will be 5 in a couple of months. OW has went on to have relationships with many more mm and men who are in long term relationships. It's like she doesn't know any better/different. She still has the fantasy that my H will go back to her, after all he left me once for her. She is now pregnant with yet another MM's child and due in April. His man packed his wife and 4 children up and moved out of state so his wife wouldn't find out. I'd love to get their name and number and give her a ring.

Enough of my ramblings. I wish I had known this site was here years ago instead of just coming across it while H and I are dealing with past issues. Are there any others here who have reconciled with their WS after they left them for the OW? And for those of you who are wondering if it can be done I'm here. It's been a long hard road, but it's been worth it in the end. Even though we are still working thru parts of it (due to OC) it can overcome.


Me FBS 30 Him FWS 31
Together since 3/96, married 03/07
our children D13, S10, S8
EA began 3/02 which lead to their marriage in 7/02, left her 9/03 divorce finalized 10/04
D day 5/02
OC born 5/03,

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Missouri
unabletoheal
Member
Member # 17660
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, February 15th (Friday)

How do you stop thinking of them together? It kills me to think of that! I feel the only way I can stop doing that is if I get involved with someone else and I haven't even put in for the divorce yet. I am so heartbroken


When a woman steals your husband, the best revenge is to let her keep him

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2008
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, February 15th (Friday)

Are there any others here who have reconciled with their WS after they left them for the OW?

Yes. Post this question in General or Reconciliation. You'll probably get more responses.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, February 18th (Monday)

Did anyone with a remorseless WS who left for the OP, ever have the nagging feeling during their marriage that they were constantly being judged?

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
Petrinka
Member
Member # 10167
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)

Yes, QQ, I couldn't do anything right from the moment he met his skank. He actually told me I would have to have liposuction and a boob job. This all while he was 60 lbs overweight himself.

I was such a bad wife, what WAS I thinking to have a good full-time job, fix dinner every night, pack his lunch attractively, keep a clean house, never let him run of clean underwear, go fishing and camping with him, give him praise for taking out the trash (the ONLY thing he helped me with), and on top of it all, wouldn't allow him to have a girlfriend! Sheesh!


Divorced May 31, 2007

Posts: 245 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Nevada Desert
roadlesstraveled
Member
Member # 13501
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)

Did anyone on here have a WS leave you and tell you that you did NOTHING wrong? Tell you that you were wonderful and that their leaving had nothing to do with you?

This is what xh told me when he left. He still says this today, over a year later. He says that I am great and that there is nothing wrong with me but that I deserve better than he could give me.

For some reason this makes me sadder than anything. It's been hard for me to find any anger in the whole situation, just a great sadness and disappointment that xh didn't even try to stay committed to me.

He never blamed me or gaslighted etc. Just said that we weren't meant to be and that he couldn't play the "role" any longer. Apparently, when he met me 10 years ago, he tried to be someone he wasn't..someone he wanted to be but in the end, couldn't.

Is that just an excuse? Or do people sometimes really try to be someone they are not in a marriage? In my case, xh tried to be a stand-up and good guy. Now he views himself as the ultimate scumbag and thinks that it is just in his genes to be somewhat of the "bad guy". Do you buy this? Is it nature vs. nuture?

XH claims that people can't really change the core of who they are. He says that he tried and it obviously didn't work. He thinks that people can only change so much before they break.

Any thoughts or opinions on this? Truth or total b.s.??


"Life is what happens when your plans go astray."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Jan 2007
queequeg
Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)

roadlesstravelled:

Your H is providing himself rationalizations and excuses for his immaturity, lying, cheating, and infidelity.

The core of who your husband is did not change.

What changed was his commitment to you, and his inability to deal in a mature way with the stresses in your marriage.

Your husband needs to justify his degrading his wife in his mind and his sexual acting out with all that other crap.

Bottom line:

Marriage takes commitment and work, not some magic feeling and a "soulmate."

At the core of it, IMHO, is your husband's immaturity.

I wouldn't buy the rest of it, even if it was on sale at Macy's for 50% off.

Even at that low, low price you would be buying garbage.

[This message edited by queequeg at 8:40 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)

roadlesstravelled:

"Couldn't be myself" is one of those wonderful sounding cliches - anyone can spout one and sound insightful to an uninquisitive mind. I think that if you push you will find that he can't back it up with anything concrete. They're likely just hollow words.

It is possible for two people to be different enough to cause incompatibilities, but that would have to be extreme to cause a marriage to break down. It's still not justification for an affair, running away, and not working through it.

I think Q is closer to the mark than your H. You H might just trying to avoid the whole confrontation and trying to play the martyr.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
scorpio1
Member
Member # 6445
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)

By the time my WH moved to another state with the OW and the OC, I wanted him to go. I knew the distance would do me some good. All of the healing I was do was wasted because he was around, still playing his games.

I decided that I didn't have the right to get in the way if two people want to be together. My mind was filled more with, "I can't believe he abandoned his children," than thinking about him with the OW. And when it crossed my mind, I would accept it and smile because I knew my day would come.

I started a new job and met people. I am no longer a SAHM and am now a single, working mom. I'm tired but I am doing so much better without his presence. I fought the OW signing my name and my license being suspended. And I won! I bought a new car because the other car was dead. I started to believe that anything was possible.

I met this guy and I thought he was nice. Boy was I surprised when he started popping up in my dreams. Very erotic! We were both interested and I asked God for at least one time. And he granted it. Boy, it felt good to rock that 28 year old body - me being 38 after all. LOL!

Well, you can imagine the surprise when WH found out that I was dating. And being with the guy felt good. It was for me. For a minute, I did compare. And then I decided that neither one is better than the other. They are just different.

My husband has lived a lie with me for 15 years. I won't give up another 15 years of my life just to heal. To me, I have healed as much as I am going to. This is something that will be with me for the rest of my life. But as time goes by, its importance lessens and you really live again.


If a situation requires a lie, you are standing on the wrong side of the issue.
Me-BS 41 years old
STBXWH-37 years old
3 kids D-18; S-15; D-5

Posts: 1891 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: South Florida
roadlesstraveled
Member
Member # 13501
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, February 20th (Wednesday)

Your H is providing himself rationalizations and excuses for his immaturity, lying, cheating, and infidelity.

The core of who your husband is did not change.

What changed was his commitment to you, and his inability to deal in a mature way with the stresses in your marriage.

Your husband needs to justify his degrading his wife in his mind and his sexual acting out with all that other crap.


Queequeg: what you said in your post makes a lot of sense to me and is very valid! I think you are right on- much of what xh says boils down to excuses and nothing more. We can be as good or moral as we make our minds up to be.

Commitment isn't easy and it takes work. My xh took the cowardly route and didn't stick around to face any of the "hard stuff". He left before he had to deal with any of it.

Thank you so much for your comments!
Insightful and helpful.


"Life is what happens when your plans go astray."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Jan 2007
roadlesstraveled
Member
Member # 13501
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, February 20th (Wednesday)

Your H might just trying to avoid the whole confrontation and trying to play the martyr.

SerJR: Exactly!! He has always avoided confrontation and him leaving me was no different. He didn't even tell my WHY he was leaving (no mention of A or OW)..just something about trying to "find himself"...over a year and a half later he is still trying to do just that.


"Life is what happens when your plans go astray."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Jan 2007
amireallyhere
Member
Member # 17207
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, February 25th (Monday)

I havent been here in awhile trying to adjust to my new life as a divorced mom. I cant believe it has been five months since my WH dumped me and the kids to go live with his "soulmate girlfriend". The pain and saddness of that reality is something I still deal with daily.

I have to say I am a lot better emotionally now then I was five months ago. I still do have some bad days, but for the most part I get through the day accepting what has now become my life.


WH has not seen his kids in three months. He moved away with OW to start his life and seems to have forgotten he is a dad. Kids hardly speak with him and when they do it is only through text messages. He was scheduled to visit this pass week. I agreed to let him stay in the home (I was leaving) to make it easier for the kids. He said both flights had been canceled so he wasnt coming. He only lives four hours away. I wonder if the OW gave him grief about coming back home to see his kids. I just dont get it. Why did he abandon them too.

I still try not to focus what their life is like together. I have received text messages from him saying he is lost and sad. He said he was sorry for giving up on us and hurting me and that he never wanted to be divorced. In the same breath he blamed me for all of our troubles. It still hurts.

How horible we are all sad and hurt. It would be better for me if he just adminted that he is happy with his decision and where he is. At least there would be some weak reason for all the rejection and pain I am trying to heal from.

I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me how my future is going to be. Will I always be this sad and lonely. Will I always regret that my children had to endure the pain of their parents divorce. Will he marry her and start a new family? I know we need to take one day at a time, but it is sometimes dificult to get through the day.

This really sucks that he is living with her when he should be with his family working on his commitments.

I still havent filed for divorce yet. I dont know what I am waiting for. I know it is over. Since this is what he wants why wont he file. Just another sign of what a coward he is. How sad that I believed in him for 25 years and it led to such disappointment and pain.

I know we all have some of the same emotions. The one emotion I refuse to keep is anger. It only hurts me. I think I will always be sad and hurt about the events, but I must move on. We all must. I keep saying to myself, everyday I move closer to being completely healed. I hope this is true.

What I know for sure is that after five months I still sometimes think I am living a nightmare. That this is not what has happened to me at this point in my life. That it was all a mistake. But I know it isnt. And I must fully accept that my husband is in love with and living with someone other than me.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2007
amireallyhere
Member
Member # 17207
Sad  Posted: 7:57 PM, February 25th (Monday)

[This message edited by amireallyhere at 8:21 PM, February 29th (Friday)]


Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2007
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Did anyone on here have a WS leave you and tell you that you did NOTHING wrong?

Don't overanalyze this. This person was taken out of your life for a reason and one day that answer will be revealed to you. Someday.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
10/04
Member
Member # 16505
Concerned  Posted: 8:18 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Yes-he still says that I didn't do anything wrong---but he married her anyway. It is so hard to understand

Posts: 124 | Registered: Oct 2007
aokmom
Member
Member # 18610
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

amireallyhere - 5 months is not alot of time to heal from such devastation, however you sound like a strong woman. People told me that "the pain will eventually subside" and they were right, but that did nothing for the excrutiating pain I was feeling then (which you are feeling now). I dealt with it the best I could, and if I had to do anything different, I would have had my friends come and stay with me. I hated being alone. Yes, I had the kids but they can't console mommy. I had to console them, when I felt used up and empty inside. However, my shrink, my friends and anti-depressants got me through it.

And yeah, my XWH said I did nothing wrong, it was all his fault, he never meant to hurt me or the kids (yet continues to by living with her and never seeing his kids). He's even cried in front of me about it, which just irritates the shit out of me now.


Me (BS): 39
WH: 39
Married: 14 years
Two beautiful kids: S-10, D-7
D-Day: 5/9/06
Divorce final: 1/18/08

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: CA
sinkingship
Member
Member # 18787
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, March 28th (Friday)

[This message edited by sinkingship at 9:03 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]


Posts: 54 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: wash, d.c.
sinkingship
Member
Member # 18787
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Did anyone's WS not 'fess up to having an A after being asked, but ask for a divorce before leaving the house?

While she was asking for the A I was feeling so guilty about what I'd done to make her want to leave, not knowing what was happening.

Anyone have a similar experience?


Posts: 54 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: wash, d.c.
hesgone
Member
Member # 12619
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

aokmom, my husband's crying also irritated me. It was like he was feeling so sorry for himself without realizing the effect his actions had on me and the kids. He wasn't sorry enough to take responsibility and try to fix things. It was like he felt like the whole thing was something that happened to him and was out of his control! So what did he do? Continue to hurt everyone without ever owning up to the fact that he was still making the decision to do so. Every day he's gone he makes that decision again.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Nov 2006
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

hesgone - you make a very valid point there:

The unremorseful WS's that leave are not willing to do the difficult work of self-examination. It is easier and more comforting for them to shift the responsibility for their actions onto everything under the sun.

That being said - the choice was still theirs that they made and they have to convince themselves that they were justified and they know this. Since they are unwilling to admit their mistake they will continue into a cycle of making self destructive choices in effort to prove they were right. Each poor decision they make will propogate the cycle even further - they've committed themselves to a downward spiral and are too proud to escape it.

[This message edited by SerJR at 11:37 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
aokmom
Member
Member # 18610
Default  Posted: 4:07 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

Amen hesgone! My XWH always projects this "poor me" bullshit demeanor whenever I see him...like he couldn't help it either. I have learned that people like him do nothing but project because it keeps them from examining themselves and what is really going on inside. So that helped me separate myself from being so attached to him...it was part of my problem, too. I grew up the responsible child and therefore subconsciously wanted to "mother" someone. He and I were a perfect fit...until his demons caught up to him.
I could still get him to cry to this day if I really wanted to because I have grown...he has not. He is still stuck in the same position, only now with someone who has more mental problems than anyone I know. Oh well. His downward spiral in in full force and effect!

[This message edited by aokmom at 4:10 AM, March 30th (Sunday)]


Me (BS): 39
WH: 39
Married: 14 years
Two beautiful kids: S-10, D-7
D-Day: 5/9/06
Divorce final: 1/18/08

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: CA
brokenandlost
Member
Member # 18148
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

My WH packed his things Friday morning telling me he needs to be 100% committed to me like I am to him and until he sorts his feelings out for her...he cannot do that...
SO he MOVES IN WITH HER??? He can't afford an apartment and his mom doesn't have the room. I'm am broken and lost...what do I do now? I can't sleep, think, eat or be strong for my girls...how long will it take him to make his CHoICE...this is not HIGH SCHOOL..we're supposed to be adults here>!

Posts: 175 | Registered: Feb 2008
downunder
Member
Member # 16631
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

I got the 'this is really hard for me' - like moving in with OW and abandoning his 4 children was totally beyond his control.




Posts: 613 | Registered: Oct 2007
roadlesstraveled
Member
Member # 13501
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

I got the 'this is really hard for me' - like moving in with OW and abandoning his 4 children was totally beyond his control.

Yeah, I heard versions of this too...mostly in the form of: "sorry that things turned out this way"...as if he had NO control over his actions/decisions. He never took responsibility and owned up to anything!!

It's interesting that many of you mention the "downward spiral" because my xh uses these exact same words to describe his life. When he got a DUI a couple of months ago, he actually emailed me about it and said, "the downward spiral continues"....it's still all about him though. His unhappiness, his mistakes, etc. etc...it was never about ME or US.

I've reached a point where I don't care half as much as I used to. It's almost as if a burden has been lifted- he is no longer my responsiblity and I don't have to stand around and watch the train wreck that is his life.


"Life is what happens when your plans go astray."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Jan 2007
sinkingship
Member
Member # 18787
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

I am still curious as to how many BSs went into a separation not knowing their XWW/XWH was in the midst of an A?

Did that make you feel guilty when they asked for the separation and you didn't understand that an A was behind the request?


Posts: 54 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: wash, d.c.
CAguy-inAZ
Member
Member # 18210
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, March 31st (Monday)

I just found out that the OM is pretty much living at my house now. I moved out to be nice because she thought that space would make her miss me.

Now that shitbag of a man is fucking my wife in my bed while my daughter sleeps in her room! Stupid woman! She has no idea that I know, thanks to PI got irrefutable evidence. Stupid whore . . . sorry I am a little angry right now.


Divorced on 1/9/09
me BS 30
ex WW 30
three year old daughter

Posts: 121 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: AZ
steelcity1
Member
Member # 17437
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, March 31st (Monday)

Divorce final as of tomorrow.

WW is now with her OM, sort of. It is a total fantasy relationship, that has been going on as an ea/pa for 1.5 years.

He is the big boss at her work, they are still keeping it hush/hush, its all about the sex for him. It will end soon. They have been on maybe two real dates.

Most of the time (based on a good source) she goes over there, gets drunk and screws. Hmmmm. Does not sound like a good start? Whatever!

I am getting on with my life. I have met so many women that value me and are fun to be with! It still hurts a little, like when you recover from a broken bone, but soon my "fracture" will be healed and I will be happily on my way in my journey!


DDay: 09/30/2007
Me: BH: 43
WW: 46
One child: age 10

Divorced: March 18, 2008.

I recommend all BS get a "Livestrong" bracelet and wear it; its helped me tremendously!


Posts: 299 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: South Florida
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, March 31st (Monday)

sinkingship... raising my hand.

I need space, not sure anymore, am depressed, blah, blah, blah

But my body gave me the hint I needed after only 2 weeks. The rest is history.

Thanks Ser for posting about the downward spiral. You know the matter touches me these days.

I hope I can reach the place where you stand, Roadlessraveled. After 6 months, somedays I am there, some days I am still sinking over his stupidity.

My worst nightmare right now would be seeing him come to me to cry on my shoulder. Bleeeetch. Thank god for NC.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

My WH packed his things Friday morning telling me he needs to be 100% committed to me like I am to him and until he sorts his feelings out for her...he cannot do that...
SO he MOVES IN WITH HER???

"Sorts out his feelings" means that he wants to date her to see if it works out with her. Don't buy into his bull. Please think of yourself and take action.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
mariusa
Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

I just reread this entire thead. It really sucks!!
I feel everyones pain and know it well. The betrayal, rejection and dispicable treatment by the WS's. I always say it will never cease to amaze me what they were/are capable of and have become.

Somewhere on this site someone posted that adultery takes up two of the ten commandments. That stuck in my head.
Why is that? Murder didn't get that much attention!

I am very close to a settlment with my POS STBXH. He is "giving" me a lot mainly because of his guilt. That is the extent of his admitting any wrong-doing. It's always all about money with him.
My chldren and I will be the ones living with these scars....I know they run very deep.

I truely beleive that once the WS, some of them anyway, leave they really don't look back. They morph into the new life they have created whether it's good or bad. Our life together is a distant memory that they have accepted is gone.
I think the a lot of the unremorseful ones may never realize the damage they have caused because they completely compartmentalized it away. It's history...they truly live in the now.
That's what I see with my POS. I don't think he ever thinks of what he's done and I also think he thinks I will forgive and forget in time too. Water under the bridge and all.

I hope there is some sense to this sometime, somewhere. It is way too much pain to inflict and no consequenses to face? Oh sure, life isn't a bowl of cherries for him now. But it doesn't compare to what he/they did to two families.

I'm not religious, maybe a little spiritual, but I hope someone is watching!!!

[This message edited by mariusa at 4:25 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
“Live without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
sinkingship
Member
Member # 18787
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, April 5th (Saturday)

mariusa:

"I think the a lot of the unremorseful ones may never realize the damage they have caused because they completely compartmentalized it away."

I think the unremorseful run away WSs are the most emotionally immature, self involved, conflict avoiders.

The damage they cause is not even a thought, because only their personal version of happiness counts for anything.

Only someone who is emotionally shallow enough to blame all the unhappiness in a particular marriage on the BS, and believe they have no responsibility to work to fix a marriage could run out on a spouse.

Damage! They couldn't imagine damage to anyone else or promises to anyone else count for anything, unless it meant damage to their personal little world.


Posts: 54 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: wash, d.c.
tigerlilly
Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

There are certainly times that are still hard, but today was not one of them. My STBX came by to pick up my son for baseball. And there he was, this 42 yo man still wearing his hair in a pony tail, (He weras it down for her b/c she thinks it really cool). with his pitiful excuses as to why he was too busy to forward me baseball practice info and I just Laughed out loud, right in front of him. He just looks like such a loser to me now. Don't get me wrong. I was devestated when he left and wanted more than anything to save my marriage, BUT I fell in love / him when I was 20yo. He was everything I needed at 20. Now, emotionally he is still 20 and I am so happy that he is no longer in my life like that. I realize how much of my married life (17years) was spent pleasing him. It will be interesting to see how these 2 adolescents will do in the long run, but he is NO LONGER MY PROBLEM. And that feels great!

PS My STBX gave me the "sort out his feelings" crap too. What he really meant was, "I'm going to see if I can talk her into leaving her spouse, too and then I'll get back to you."

[This message edited by tigerlilly at 1:11 PM, April 5th (Saturday)]


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 360 | Registered: Mar 2008
980003
Member
Member # 18884
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

mariusa, this hit the nail on the head with my STBX:

"I truely beleive that once the WS, some of them anyway, leave they really don't look back. They morph into the new life they have created whether it's good or bad. Our life together is a distant memory that they have accepted is gone.
I think the a lot of the unremorseful ones may never realize the damage they have caused because they completely compartmentalized it away. It's history...they truly live in the now.
That's what I see with my POS. I don't think he ever thinks of what he's done and I also think he thinks I will forgive and forget in time too. Water under the bridge and all."

I honestly think he does think he can avoid it until it all "blows over". He actually said to me the other day that he can't wait until I "get over this", so we can talk like normal.

It has only been 3 wks & 2 days since he told me of his affair. I didn't realize there was a time limit on this sort of thing.


BS (me) - 30
WS - 29
Married almost 11 years, together over 13
3 children
D Day - 3/14/08 PA
Separated - 3/22/08

Posts: 64 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Oklahoma
mariusa
Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, April 7th (Monday)

I honestly think he does think he can avoid it until it all "blows over". He actually said to me the other day that he can't wait until I "get over this", so we can talk like normal.

I know this is what mine is waiting for and he just doesn't understand why that time hasn't come yet....it's been well over a year, why won't she at least talk to me??


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
“Live without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, April 7th (Monday)

He actually said to me the other day that he can't wait until I "get over this", so we can talk like normal.

"Get over this" translates to a combination of "none of this is my fault" and "I should still be the most important thing in your life".


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
tigerlilly
Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, April 20th (Sunday)

Yuk, I just got my son's soccer schedule and he plays OW's son 4 times! Help, I SO do not want to have to see her. I think that my strategy will be to say nothing, but not avoid eye contact. I hope she is very uncomfortable. I don't understand how she can live w/ herself. I also will try to have some of my famly come for support.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 360 | Registered: Mar 2008
2trusting101
Member
Member # 16353
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

It amazes me how the same crap comes out the Ws mouths. I got the "need my space", "Can't stand looking at the pain I've caused you", "You'll never be able to forgive me for what I've done", blah, blah, blah. I often wonder if they read books to know what to say if they get caught or is it just a common thought process of people who cheat.


Me (BS):46
Him(x-fiance):47
DDay #1: 08/11/2007

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: MD
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

Double post. Oops

[This message edited by SerJR at 7:36 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

They just borrow a line out of the Fictionary.

Cliches are often used to sound like you're making a valid point and readily accepted by people who have difficulty thinking for themselves. Most often, if you keep asking them "What do you mean by that?" you'll end up with a blank stare.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
sinkingship
Member
Member # 18787
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

2trusting101:

When a WS says:

"You'll never be able to forgive me for what I've done",

The appropriate response is:

"That's my call and you never asked for forgiveness. So you are a self serving, unremorseful, low life with very little character. How I ever missed all that when I said, I do, is my problem."


Posts: 54 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: wash, d.c.
luv2swim
Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

I finally realized this is where I belong.

The rejection and replacement burden has been huge for me... and denial is a wonderfully insulating thing! My H of 21 years has been living with OW for 18 months... some of it covertly. Last month H's mom purchased a home with the OW so the two love birds would have a place to live. This went over well with our two teen boys (grandma did what?). I loved this man so much. Depended upon him, followed him around the world in support of his career... yada yada yada...
and it ended with the "I love you, I am not in love with you"... "I know what I feel"... "I do not want to bring you pain" (as he keeps doing what he does with OW)... on and on.

It is such a disease of the head.. .and I do believe it is both heads! In my sitch, the OW seems to really dote on my H... but, H is her 3rd married fella in a row. I am putting bets on the table now, that after our d is final, she will bail on my (then) XH.

Oh.. and our boys.. teens 17 and 18 now... meh. They do not want to see their dad. But eldest is "kissing up" in hopes that dad will help pay for college. Seems to be doing a mind trip on our eldest.. he hangs up the phone and wishes his father dead. It really is awful.. this rejection and replacement stuff.

FINALLY, I am to a place where I recognize that I am better off without such a diseased soul. So, as much as I am not keen on divorce, it begins next week.

Sad... all of this.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married 24 years -
2 fantastic kids!

divorced 2009


D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married and still together (as far as I know).


Posts: 400 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
sss456
Member
Member # 19222
Question  Posted: 4:27 PM, April 28th (Monday)

my WS told me he'll stop by on fridays to give me his check, and he'll continue to maintain the house. also, divorce is my choice or not, because of his insurance. i can see him doing this. it's only been a week, but i think i'm relieved he's gone, and i think i think i'm happy he found someone


I have nothing to lose but my mind, and everything I always wanted. Breaking Benjamin

Posts: 222 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: maryland
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Cliches are often used to sound like you're making a valid point and readily accepted by people who have difficulty thinking for themselves. Most often, if you keep asking them "What do you mean by that?" you'll end up with a blank stare.

AMEN!!!
And a godd thing to remember not only for our WS, but all the thoughtless people around us who use those empty formulas because they don't really know what to say.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 6:43 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)]


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
tigerlilly
Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Anyone of you guys on good terms w/ your X? We are completely cordial, but haven't had a meaningful conversation in well over 6 mos, not even about the kids. I have just found him so unlikeable since I have seen him in a different, lying, cowardly way. Not sure what, if anything to do about this.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 360 | Registered: Mar 2008
luv2swim
Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

He has been out of the house for 18 months. Meaningful conversation is nearly impossible. But that was true the moment he feel for OW. I assume it is a mind gone sour (mine and his!)
I also think depression is involved. His midlife whatever. Then the trauma of being rejected replaced in me. Truly, I never saw this coming from this man.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married 24 years -
2 fantastic kids!

divorced 2009


D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married and still together (as far as I know).


Posts: 400 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Anyone of you guys on good terms w/ your X?

We are cordial but only speak very briefly at each encounter and only about our daughter. We are not friends.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
steelcity1
Member
Member # 17437
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

I don't see any friendly feelings for my WW in my future.

She is a remorseless ass who has hurt me terribly and continues to do so.

We have 50/50 custody but she wants to pick up DD from school every day because she is worried DD grades will slip when I pick her up!

I told WW, listen, I have a doctorate degree, I think I can handle fourth grade!

What an ass! I cannot stand the sight of her. She acts hurt when I don't make eye contact or be nice to her. Really? Tough.


DDay: 09/30/2007
Me: BH: 43
WW: 46
One child: age 10

Divorced: March 18, 2008.

I recommend all BS get a "Livestrong" bracelet and wear it; its helped me tremendously!


Posts: 299 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: South Florida
Beautiful
Member
Member # 4723
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

I barely speak to my ex. After he left and before the D was final, I gave him the scenario of how it was going to be. I told him, "I'll be cordial. I will never accept what he has done to me and our family. We will speak only when necessary and only about kids. We will spend the rest of our kid's childhoods doing parking lot transfers and determining visitation. As for your girlfriend, she is not welcome ANYWHERE where I am. I didn't ask her to interfere in my life, my marriage and my family. She had no business getting involved where she doesn't belong. She is not welcome - ever."

ex exclaimed, 'WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?!?!'.

I answered, "Because that's what divorced people do. I don't want to be divorced, but since I had no choice in the matter, this is how it's going to be. We will NOT be the happy divorced couple."

I am not his friend and I sure as heck am not speaking to his girlfriend - I refuse to acknowledge her presence - ever. He's lucky I speak to him at all.

and luv2swim, I hear you. I NEVER expected this from my husband...

Yanno, another reason is this - If it were ME that did what he did, I can guarantee that he would NEVER speak to me again. He would've thrown my posessions on the front lawn, locked the doors and moved to another state, making my life miserable.

He's damn lucky I am a such a nice person.

[This message edited by Beautiful at 12:18 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]





Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: from the land of steady habits
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Anyone of you guys on good terms w/ your X?

Considering the way he kicked me in the face while I was down because of his betrayal, friendship or even contact, unless strictly necessary, is out of the question.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4989 | Registered: Nov 2007
tigerlilly
Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

OK, that helps. I am dfeeling much better about just being cordial. Thanks.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 360 | Registered: Mar 2008
980003
Member
Member # 18884
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

I barely speak to my ex. After he left and before the D was final, I gave him the scenario of how it was going to be. I told him, "I'll be cordial. I will never accept what he has done to me and our family. We will speak only when necessary and only about kids. We will spend the rest of our kid's childhoods doing parking lot transfers and determining visitation. As for your girlfriend, she is not welcome ANYWHERE where I am. I didn't ask her to interfere in my life, my marriage and my family. She had no business getting involved where she doesn't belong. She is not welcome - ever."
ex exclaimed, 'WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?!?!'.

I answered, "Because that's what divorced people do. I don't want to be divorced, but since I had no choice in the matter, this is how it's going to be. We will NOT be the happy divorced couple."

I am not his friend and I sure as heck am not speaking to his girlfriend - I refuse to acknowledge her presence - ever. He's lucky I speak to him at all.

I basically had the same conversation with my STBXH a few weeks ago.

He thought he'd do this, I'd "get over it", and then we'd be best friends or something. After all, he wants to "be there for me, in case I need to talk".

He didn't understand that from here on out birthdays & holidays will be separate events for us. My time with the kids, and his time. He honestly thought he'd still come to their birthday parties and for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc (including at MY family's get togethers!!). Uhhhhhh, I don't think so???!

I told him that his "current girl" is NEVER welcome at ANY thing that I host and it wouldn't be very fair to make her sit in the car while he goes inside.

He really, truly does not get it. At all.


BS (me) - 30
WS - 29
Married almost 11 years, together over 13
3 children
D Day - 3/14/08 PA
Separated - 3/22/08

Posts: 64 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Oklahoma
SecondChance
Member
Member # 18366
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

I just read a bunch of the postings here, and it's amazing how many XW spouses act the same. Before we got D, my XH actually thought we would be great friends forever and he would be my wing-man. Isn't that an insane idea!!

He just finally got the hint to not discuss anything with me that doesn't pertain to the kids. But of course he didn't get a clue until my therapist talked to his and she in turn talked to him. Thank god he at least listens to his therapist and does what she tells him to do.

They are so stupid!! Sure, go ahead and stab me about 100 times in the heart, stomp all over me, and leave me for the OW. We can still be best buddies!

I keep telling myself that kharma exists and all of our XS will get what is coming to them sooner or later.


Me: BS 32 (now 40)
Him: WS 34 (now 41)
OW: was M & worked w/ my WH. Now OW and XH are living out their fantasy. Good luck with that!
M: 10 yrs, together 14 yrs
2 sons: Now 12 and 13
D-Day: 9/8/06, failed NC, false R
Divorced: 1/3/08

Posts: 245 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Northeast
hesgone
Member
Member # 12619
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I don't know what's wrong with me. After all he's done to me and continues to do, I still feel happy after I talk to him, and I'm more depressed than ever if I don't talk to him for a while. Maybe this is related to the fact that I can't seem to reach the anger stage. Maybe it's because he was my best friend for so long, and I don't have any other friends. I guess I'm just lousy at being separated (and forget the 180).

Posts: 626 | Registered: Nov 2006
tigerlilly
Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, May 2nd (Friday)

hesgone, I think you have to do your best o try and make some more friends. It is so important and so helpful. Even if you were still married, no one person should or can fullfill all of your friendship needs. Do 1-2 things every month to try to meet people. look in your local paper, go to community events, go to meetup.com (this is not a dating site, it is a place for anyone looking to find others w/ same interests eg hiking, book clubs, quilting).

Please do this for yourself. You deserve people to hang out w/ and friends who know how to be loyal and trustworthy.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 360 | Registered: Mar 2008
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, May 2nd (Friday)

If anyone is interested, I found a helpful site dedicated to being abandoned by your spouse:

www.runawayhusbands.com (there is a section on their community board that deals with runaway wives as well)


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
hesgone
Member
Member # 12619
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

Tigerlilly, That's good advice. I guess I've been so wrapped up with getting my life together (housing, finances, kids, job, etc.) that I haven't made the effort to have a social life. I have done some things for myself, and I do have one or two friends who I see occasionally, but no close friends. So I'll think I'll try to make that more of a priority.
Devastated, I looked at that site. It's really mind boggling what people will do, and there does seem to be a pattern.

Posts: 626 | Registered: Nov 2006
tigerlilly
Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, May 5th (Monday)

Help. i need support re: my MIL. I keep in touch w/ her, talk to her about 1/month. we have agreed to keep WH out of our discussions, but she always finds a way to mention what a great father he is. Tonight, I said, "I agree that he interacts well w/ the children, but a good father would have worked on his marriage." I wanted to say so much more, like "yes he is good at lego, but I would have preferred he be a good role model re: marriage and committment. I would prefer he not give the message that it is ok to date when you are married, ok to leave w/o even trying, ok to leave mommy for her close friend .

I did not say this. i know she needs to think somewhat highly of her golden boy. i know it would have hurt her, but I am SO ANGRY. Just looking for a few nice words. Tiger.

[This message edited by tigerlilly at 6:52 PM, May 5th (Monday)]


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 360 | Registered: Mar 2008
hesgone
Member
Member # 12619
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, May 5th (Monday)

I think "a good father would have worked on his marriage" pretty much sums it up. I guess it's better to leave it at that. More discussion probably won't change either of your opinions, and it will get both of you upset. But I do agree with everything you say, and it's good to get it out here.

Posts: 626 | Registered: Nov 2006
tigerlilly
Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Thanks, it really does help to get it out here. I know she feels badly about the whole thing, no need to really take away any more from her.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 360 | Registered: Mar 2008
2trusting101
Member
Member # 16353
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Cliches are often used to sound like you're making a valid point and readily accepted by people who have difficulty thinking for themselves. Most often, if you keep asking them "What do you mean by that?" you'll end up with a blank stare.

SerJR, I know EXACTLY the blank stare you are talking about!! It's amazing because it seems as though he is looking at me as if I'm crazy!

When a WS says:

"You'll never be able to forgive me for what I've done",

The appropriate response is:

"That's my call and you never asked for forgiveness. So you are a self serving, unremorseful, low life with very little character. How I ever missed all that when I said, I do, is my problem."


Sinkingship, how I wish I had thought to say that!


Me (BS):46
Him(x-fiance):47
DDay #1: 08/11/2007

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: MD
Not Giving Up
Member
Member # 19441
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, May 9th (Friday)

I belong here as well. WH left on d-day 03/07/08 to live with OW. He has shown no remorse. Currently there is NC. I don't expect him to ever come home:( I wish the fog would lift and he would realize he is making a mistake. We have two small children and this sucks.


BW
M 11 years
EA began in 01/08
PA soon after
D-day 03/07/08
WH moved in with her that night.
Plan B (NC) 05/02/08
2 Kids
Contact and ass-chewing for both of them - 05/13/08 - felt awesome!!

Posts: 199 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Illinois
willriseagain
Member
Member # 19605
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, May 26th (Monday)

I belong here, too.

Reading "Uncoupling" has helped shed a lot of light on what was going on up until he finally let me in on his plan to leave. The fact is, he left the marriage long ago - he just never told me until he physically left. I wanted to R but he doesn't want to jeopardize his relationship with OW (or he's just trying to save face for me...who knows). It's been incredibly painful. Every person in my life who I've let get close to me has ended up betraying me and leaving. I thought I was safe from that in my marriage, I thought 13 years together meant something. I thought wrong.

I just started IC on Sat. Read Surviving Infidelity when I first was alerted that he was leaving, and like I said, I'm reading Uncoupling now and finding it insightful (though painful to read... even though it's the "how" relationships end, it hits so close to home that it makes me feel awful about it anyway).

So my therapist has me focusing on 180 and moving forward. Make more contacts since I've been pretty isolated. Get away from the kids when I can (I'm currently a SAHM trying to re-enter the workforce but it's not been an easy task). Get out. Fake it til I make it. Maybe he'll notice, but if he doesn't, what have I got to lose? It can't get worse, right?


Me (BS): 32, (FWH): 32 EA/PA w/coworker 3/2008-6/2008
M 8 yrs, Together 14 yrs, 2 & 4 yr old kids
4/22/08 ILYBINILWY, 4/23/08 S, 4/25/08 found emails, 4/30/08 he chose divorce, 5/20/08 he chose divorce, again, 6/9/08 he ended A ~ Reconciling

Posts: 124 | Registered: May 2008 | From: CT
tigerlilly
Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, May 26th (Monday)

willrise, You WILL get through this. No matter what happens, it will get easier. You can do it, because not doing it is not an option.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 360 | Registered: Mar 2008
hallie56
Member
Member # 19680
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

My stbx is trying to change jobs to be with his new love. Ain't that a good one? Leaves me for her, then wants to quit yet another job for her. Oh well, she is his problem now for sure!

Posts: 163 | Registered: May 2008 | From: alabama
Mrmojorisin
Member
Member # 18861
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

My STBXWW went out on a date with her POS OM tonight and took our 4 year old with her. She claimed she was apartment hunting. How fucking stupid does she think I am? Apartment hunting from 6-11pm...


Me: 39 STBXWW: 35 OM: which one?
Kids: SD-17,SD-14,D-14,SD-13,D-4
D-Day #1-12/25/2007 #2-01/28/2008
#3-08/06/08 #4 9/24/08-ONS #5 10/14/08 ONS--Shall I go on?

Posts: 503 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Texas
ittybittya
Member
Member # 7527
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, June 9th (Monday)

I think the biggest issue that I have had to conquer throughout this ordeal has been abandonment.

Is there anyone else that feels this way as well?

I got little remorse from my XH and altho I KNOW I'm much better off without him and his treatment......the abandonment has left a mark.

Anyone else?


...still has much to learn :-(

Posts: 13528 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Oklahoma
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)

Itty,

I think most would agree with that. It's not so much the affair, but how disposable you feel to someone that you loved so much that really hurts - even when you look back and realise that you may have been mistreated the entire time. Looking back with a rational mind it is easy to see - but it is so hard to give up on something that you believed in and was a part of you. Regardless... the facts remain the facts and everything else is just perception. All we can do to move forward is to look ahead.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
ittybittya
Member
Member # 7527
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)

Yes I suppose it is that simple, SerJR.


...still has much to learn :-(

Posts: 13528 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Oklahoma
lilliolly
Member
Member # 19647
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)

my husband left me for the OP 5 weeks ago after i found out about their affair, at first things were ok we were civilised and got on for the sake of the kids.
It has now all blown up, i saw him out with his OW and anger grew in me, i got in touch with his Ow ex boyfriend and told him everything, he knew about the affair but didn't know who it was. we emailed some nasty things about our w's. i regret it now because husband has read all the emails. things have turned nasty, he now only wants to see his kids everyother weekend (there 4 and 1) how can i get back on his good side, i have apologised. also why's he taking it out on the kids

Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2008 | From: England
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)

Lilly... communicating with these people... it just doesn't work well. Whatever you say they will use it for justification...

-If you argue with them they'll get angry and use that as ammunition...

-If you try to apologise and be supernice they'll push your boundaries and use that as ammunition...

-If you engage them in a normal conversation they will pick up on irrational details and use that as ammunition...

Are you seeing the pattern?

The best thing you can do is to treat this as a business deal and be cool and collected with a neutral tone - you can still assert yourself with this tone but it is a quieter, more powerful way. Limit the conversation only to pertinent childcare issues.

This will help you to detach and limit the opportunities for him attack you. This is a new relationship that he has with you and he will have to learn to respect that.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
tigerlilly
Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 14th (Saturday)

Feeling kind of yukky today. Both my X and the OW are teachers and I feel yukky about the thought of them doing so much w/ the kids over the summer. I guess I am healing though, because this time last year, it MADE ME CRAZY to think about them together, being all 'romantic.' This year I could care less, I just wish it didn't involve the kids.

[This message edited by tigerlilly at 1:13 PM, June 14th (Saturday)]


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 360 | Registered: Mar 2008
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, June 15th (Sunday)

I think most would agree with that. It's not so much the affair, but how disposable you feel to someone that you loved so much that really hurts - even when you look back and realise that you may have been mistreated the entire time. Looking back with a rational mind it is easy to see - but it is so hard to give up on something that you believed in and was a part of you. Regardless... the facts remain the facts and everything else is just perception. All we can do to move forward is to look ahead.

Ser,
Thank you for these words. We were committed to our marriages despite everything that was bad. We had our mission in life, we remained focused on that. We are people of integrity. We deserve so much more. I hope we will all find our happiness. We will, won't we?


Me: BS
2 kids: DD16 and DS19
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7983 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, June 16th (Monday)

Wounded...

Will we find our happiness? That depends entirely on the person and how they define it and how much they are willing to work on themselves to find it. The following is a list of how to move forward onto a healthier, more emotionally balanced you:

1) Master your thoughts.

Ultimately, you determine what thoughts you give attention to and those thoughts will set into motion the dynamics that will affect you. If you tend to focus on the negative you increase the probability that you will become your own worst enemy. It is important to realise how your thoughts create your expectations of the future. By increasing your positive focus you will increase the chances of bringing in positive energy to your life. This does not mean that you’re being unrealistic or naive. It simply means that you are choosing to focus your thoughts and energy on success instead of failure and on the good parts of your life instead of the bad. You want to cultivate the thoughts that you want to have through positive affirmation.

2) Adjust your attitude.

Our attitudes determine our thoughts which translate into intentions which leads to actions. We can be very realistic about the challenges we face, but still form the inner resolve to focus on our belief that we can overcome obstacles and bounce back from adversity. To do so takes belief and patience with ourselves, sustained motivation and energy, accepting our personal responsibility, and willingness to perservere. If your attitude is peaceful and positive then you are in the best position to have the focus and energy available to find solutions. Grace under pressure displays your courage and fortitude even when you are fearful and anxious.

3) Practice acceptance.

Acceptance is something to do for yourself when you are ready to let go of the anger. When we can't accept the situation, we have less energy to spend on the present because we are holding on to bitterness about the past. Acceptance does not mean condoning what has been done or passively enduring mistreatment. It means that you are ready to move forward unencumbered by bitterness or anger.

4) Look for the lesson.

Experiences can lead us to new growth, understanding, and maturity. It is important for us to examine and redefine these experiences to be able to discover and access our hidden strengths and resources that we didn't know we have and learn about ourselves.

5) Continue to nurture yourself.

Make a commitment to continue to nurture yourself so that your energy and vitality will remain high. You are not being selfish to honour your needs, but are providing new growth and fresh perspective.

6) Examine your character.

As humans we all have strengths and weaknesses. It is important to be able to do an honest self appraisal so that we can be real about ourselves. We are all responsible for our character, qualities, and actions and for the effects that they have. As conscious beings, we are also able to acquire those qualities that we desire and it is up to us to use them beneficiently.

It's important to point out that many of the BS's in this thread have shown a tremendous capacity for resolve. That ability to perservere and boldly trudge through the dark and difficult times will carry us past that into a bright future. We never wished for any of this to happen, but that is not for us to decide. All that we can decide is what to do with the time that has be given to us.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Eumenides
Member
Member # 15508
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

I have found that I have changed greatly since XH left. True, I was the one who physically packed his things and threw them on the lawn. I was the one who made the final push. But he was the one who had already separated himself from us in every way possible. Once he was out, the one place he went was the home of his OW. He wanted to sit on the fence and eat cake, treating DD and me like dirt all the while. I kicked myself for months for throwing him out, blaming myself.

But then, I realized that what I did was right. When I talk to him now (I wish I could cut him out of my life entirely), that fact is re-established over and over. He's a wreck. Oh yes, I packed his things, but the abandonment happened even when he was still physically present.

I remember crying at night, begging God to fix things. Praying that it would be okay, that I would get my marriage back. I prayed for change. Now when I look back, there *is* change. But it wasn't with XH, it was with me.

I'm poor as a church mouse now. Currently looking for a job and biting my nails constantly about how the bills will be paid and food put on the table. But I am *happy*. I used to cling to possessions and feel like if I didn't have the familiar with me, I would just die.

Lately I have been systematically going through my house. I'm purging about 2/3 of my things, because I flatly don't need them or want them anymore. When XH was here, I had to have things to try and feel happy. Now I feel as though I could take off down the road with kiddo, the car, and two gym bags and it would be more than enough.

Losing my marriage, being disillusioned seems to have severed my ties. I find that my sense of "place" has been altered. And it's really strange.

Anyone else here experienced that?


Love and compassion are never enough.

Final D-Day: August 2007.
Divorce finalized: 6-16-09


Posts: 704 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Tartarus
ktshadow
Member
Member # 10920
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, June 19th (Thursday)

I have posted here once or twice, but have found this site incredible in dealing with the pain of this situation. I have made some big decisions about how I want to handle things for the sake of my son. I am meeting the OW tomorrow for lunch after a lengthy conversation preceding her introduction to my son. I have not talked to her very much about her relationship with my ex, but I feel that it is important for me to develop a rapport with her if she is going to be in my son's life. After talking to her, I can see myself in the early stages of the relationship with my ex...seeing what I needed to see and not the data to support that he was capable of all of this chaos. I have decided that if I handle myself with grace and dignity, I will feel better about myself and in the end, my son will benefit from what I am doing. There must be something about her that attracted my ex to her, so maybe we can even be friends. There can never be enough people in my son't life that love him. I am not claiming that this is easy for me, but for me, it's better than the alternative...feeling like the victim, wondering what she has that I don't have, separating myself further and isolating myself more from them which in turn makes a conflictual situation for my son. I am trying to be enlightened by this whole experience. Everything happens for a reason, might as well make the best of it.


Don't let only one person decide if you are loveable or not. Be around the ones who have already decided that you are.
I traded in my intuition for his analysis.

Posts: 152 | Registered: Jun 2006
lonelynlost
Member
Member # 18616
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, July 6th (Sunday)

Ktshadow:

Very insightful and good for you to be looking at the situation the way you are looking at it.

Us BS are usually so hurt that all we want is for the WS to feel our pain.

Take care,

LonelynLost


Me-BS 56 XWW-53

DD-10/25/2007
Separated 3/8/2008
D Final 8/31/2009


Posts: 517 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: South Jersey
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Us BS are usually so hurt that all we want is for the WS to feel our pain.

An interesting point, but I think that if, *in many cases*, we dig down deeper we'll find that we truly aren't this callous. I believe that this compulsion to want them to suffer is the manifestation of unresolved feelings of abandonment.

I think that truly, the hardest thing to deal with is the total invalidation of what we had. They have, in effect through leaving us, made the statement that the marriage held little worth to them and was easily replaceable. This is the very same marriage that we held dear, trusted, and believed in. Because it held so much importance to us we bear the pain. I think that we want them to feel the pain and suffering because it is the most visible manifestation of our being told the marriage, which we all defined ourselves through, so therefore ourselves, are worthless.

In other words, we want them to feel pain for leaving to know that we did mean something, just as we feel that pain because the marriage had worth to us.

Unfortunately, if we hold onto that, it will encumber us from moving forward as they sometimes are incapable of ever taking responsibility and facing themselves.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Facade
Member
Member # 17536
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

I think SerJr is absolutely right on this one.

I've known STBX for 25 years. He's known his OM for less than one.

I find myself wondering if he'll miss having someone to talk to about all that history...you know, Remember when ___ happened in 5th grade? Remember that crazy thing that happened at your brother's wedding? Remember so-and-so from college? Remember when we went to (wherever) in 1995? And so on.

I wonder if he's going to miss it because I miss it. And it doesn't make any difference to me that he went for OM because he's a man and I'm not. It hurts because he left ME.

Like SerJr says, we still have to move on, regardless.


Posts: 537 | Registered: Dec 2007
after25years
New Member
Member # 20128
Frustrated  Posted: 7:10 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I have to agree with SerJR: I want my STBXW to feel even a little bit of what I've gone through.

Married 25 years, but over the last 2 I cold feel my W grow distant, and even asked her specifically about the house-husband a few doors away-she denied all involvement until I found proof (text messages between them) at which point it was too late as her mind was made up that they are soulmates. She had no desire to even try to salvage our M.

I am bitter, angry, hurt, etc. All the expected emotions. But since I found SI I have found a lot of inspiration and strength, and every day seems a little bit better. But inside I still hope she feels even a fraction of what she has put me through.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Everett, WA
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Hi after25 - Welcome here

Please read through the Healing Library and post as often as you need - we're here to help each other. I'm glad that you're finding your way to move forward - keep focusing on taking care of yourself and it will get better.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
after25years
New Member
Member # 20128
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Interesting-I was reading the about no contact with the WS in the healing library when my WW called for the 4th time today. I let it go to voicemail. OK, it was about something that happened at the house (my old home) involving the kids, but she had spoke to me earlier about it, and I had already addressed with the them.

Over the last 2-3 days she has called a lot more then the previous 4 weeks since I moved out. Is she missing me, is it coincidence, just a random occurrance? It doesn't matter I guess right now. I feel that it's time for me to control these contacts from her; hearing her voice on the phone talking about everyday things like her job and such just tear me up. It's like she is totally ignoring how it makes me feel. Either that, or she's just so self absorbed that she is oblivious to it.

But the important thing is that I now know that I have some control if I choose to talk to her or not.

The 180 list is also extemely helpful.

It feels that progess is being made in finding out who I am in preperation for a life possibly without her.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Everett, WA
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 11th (Friday)

After25,

She justs wants to feel that she is still the most important thing in your life. Affairs are all about ego-stroking and validation and likely, and most often it doesn't stop once they leave. They can't seem to reconcile that this is a new relationship - not the old one minus the romantic perks.

It can be terribly confusing when we catch glimpses of the person we knew. However, if they were truly remorseful you would know it and would have no questions.

I commend you after25 - you've made great strides thus far.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
after25years
New Member
Member # 20128
Exclaimation  Posted: 8:13 PM, July 11th (Friday)

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I've endured the death of a parent, and long time best friend, and those were difficult things to heal from. What makes this worse is that my WW chose her actions that have no logical outcome other than what's happening now. And while I'm lonely and miss companionship as well as intimacy (which she gets all of these fulfilled with the OM), I know these feelings are REAL, which is better than the lies I've lived through. The truth may be unpleasant but at least I know where I stand, and can decide how I deal with it.

It's better to have bad truth than happy lies.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Everett, WA
survivedit
New Member
Member # 20554
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, August 8th (Friday)

(raises hand). I left him because, even though it was an "open relationship" (one where he was breaking all the rules), I couldn't deal with him being "in love" with the newest OW, young enough to be his daughter, 11 years my junior, and 3 dress-sizes smaller.

She and I were always nice to each other, but it still made me feel really jealous, rejected, ugly, and sad when he broke dates with me, lied about it, and I found out later that he'd been with her.

When I left him, he seemed pretty relieved and told me that he "just needed his freedom right now". But shortly thereafter, the "recently seperated" status of his profile was changed to "in love!" - with her, of course. Wasn't surprised, but I was really angry, confused, and

I never really blamed her, because she was really young, and pretty naive at the time. I did blame him - he should have known better than to fool around with someone's feelings like that and not expect it to turn out badly.

Fast-forward: after 6 months of their unobstructed "in love" together time, I see him treating her like GARBAGE at a party. I feel sorry for her, and despise him more than ever. Shortly after the party, his profile status is back to "recently seperated".

hah hah

anyway, OW and I are on more friendly terms now - both of us have absolutely refused contact with our common horrible ex... we share our sides of the stories with each other and support each other emotionally.

So it did turn out ok, though it could have been much worse, if she hadn't been a decent person.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Aug 2008
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, November 13th (Thursday)

I've been left - for OP, but she lives in another state. So I guess I was left so he could continue the relationship with her. He even told me he fully intends to still drive 250 miles to see her and vice versa on their every other free weekends.

His family doesn't yet know about her b/c, from what I can tell, he plans to 'hide out' until we're actually divorced and then he can intro her legitimately. But I plan to tell them before that happens.

This is hard for me because of her living so far away and even though they've been involved for the better part of a year, they're still in the honeymoon stage. They don't do real life together - they aren't even planning to move in together (not now anyway, apparently her custody won't allow for that, we're in the process of getting our stuff worked out - maybe he'll want to move. I don't know).

Anyway, I'm kind of on here venting b/c I was just ditched for the 'better' one and it's so painful. It's almost worse in a way that they're not shacked up in the same place right now, LIVING the dream - they still get to carry on their 'normal' lives, but live the fantasy every other weekend. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm in crap land actually doing all the REAL LIFE stuff for kids & I like 24/7.

Sorry - just bitching.

[This message edited by wannabenormal at 11:12 AM, November 13th (Thursday)]



Posts: 14579 | Registered: Jun 2008
ThriveNotSurvive
Member
Member # 22093
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, December 26th (Friday)

I guess I belong here. She will be moving here in a few weeks and I'm sure he will move in with her. He's in the spare bedroom right now.

Technically I left him. He was still trying to decide. I guess the D is my fault because I wasn't able to "think outside the box" to find a solution to make everyone happy. He was willing to set me up with a nice place and pay all my bills so he could keep DS close, and she was even willing to move her and OC in with us so we could share him!

Something must seriously be wrong with me if I chose to pass up those opportunities.


Strength, Courage, and Wisdom, it was inside of me all along - India Arie

Some women are Angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick if we have to...cuz we're flexible that way.


Posts: 1582 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Las Vegas
Numb and Angry
Member
Member # 21752
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, December 27th (Saturday)

Oh, ThriveNotSurvive, I hope that's sarcasm in your post. This is not all your fault, it's your WS's warped sense of entitlement to continue to have his cake and eat it too.

After D-day, WS offered to keep supporting me and the kids if I agreed to be "a subservient wife and serve him". We're not a religious family, that merely meant he wanted to keep having sex with me and have our perfect looking little family life while getting to have his exciting life with her, too. I laughed in his face. The kids and I went on with our lives as much as we could without him and the week before Christmas, he pillaged our house and went to live with OW. (I have no idea on what terms she left things with her husband.)

While I am in the worst financial situation of my entire life, there's a kind of peace around here now. My kids are happier without all the stress and I am more calm, too. We really are better off without the self-centered, angry jerk stomping around swearing at us for the slightest noise or mess. And I know I'm better off not having to wonder if he's pretending to be here with me while he's off with her. Now she can have him and all the reality she hasn;t had to deal with before. Let's see how she likes WS's snoring, sleep apnea, hypochondria, poor hygiene and complete inability to pick up after himself. Have at it, OW.

[This message edited by Numb and Angry at 10:45 AM, December 27th (Saturday)]


Me-BW, 50
Him-WH, 49, behaving as if SA and NPD
D-Day 10/09/08

PA went back maybe 2 years
Married 23 years, together 30
2 kids, DD 19, DS 14
Status: Divorce final 10/17/11


Posts: 308 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
betterdaysahead
Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, December 27th (Saturday)

I don't know why, but after two and a half years it has started to "hit" me recently.

I know he moved in with OW right after he left me...he moved from here to there...

I was so busy getting my life in order...taking care of my son and legal matters and selling the house and taking care of me....

I am just now coming to terms with the absolute horrible betrayal of him simply leaving us and moving in with OW after 25 years...and the way they did it....

They schemed for 7 months to see how they could do it and come out financially "on top" and take advantage of both of their BS.

My stbxh actually didn't tell my son and I where he was living for 3 weeks. I lived with the trickle truth...I didn't know there was a name for that.

He would give me little details...like a riddle or a puzzle to put together. He said he'd let me know by the end of 3 weeks where he was...and that I'd just have to wait.

It was cruel. It was torture for both my son and I.

We were NOT to call his family or friends or his cell phone. He would call us in the am and check up on us. That was it.

I hate him more and more each day.

And I saw him yesterday in the Walmart parking lot holding hands with OW...my son saw him too, but neither of us acknowledged it.

We just kept driving and went home.

They carry on with their lives like we are supposed to "suck it up".

That was how it was since day 1.

I've gone on with my life.

I really want him to pay...I want some sort of justice. We are going through the divorce from hell. Maybe now that we are at the point we can go in front of a judge I will see some justice...

He has gotten away with so much. The rules never apply to him.

I could go on and on, but it's just a vent....sorry.


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
ThriveNotSurvive
Member
Member # 22093
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, December 27th (Saturday)

Numb, yes, sarcasm seems to be my only form of talking or writing right now.

Hearing their options just made it so clear to me that I needed to get out. I love my H and I wish with everything I have that my DS could have a loving 2 parent family, but I refuse to give myself up for that. I know my worth even if he doesnt.

Betterdays, I hope you get some closure when the D is finalized. I'm so sorry we are all dealing with this.


Strength, Courage, and Wisdom, it was inside of me all along - India Arie

Some women are Angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick if we have to...cuz we're flexible that way.


Posts: 1582 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Las Vegas
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, December 30th (Tuesday)

(((BDA)))

Both you and your stbxH will get the same thing out of this fundamentally. For you it will be your biggest gift to yourself. For him it will be the cruelest punishment...

You get to live with yourself. He has to live with himself.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
doublesmom
Member
Member # 21334
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, December 30th (Tuesday)

Waving hand

He left us for OP. I read and read that most men don't leave for the OP, I was mortified, wondered what I had done wrong. Three days after he left he told me that they had been together a couple of times and it was for nothing more than companionship, so that means he either had a f*ckfest for three days OR he slept with her before leaving me, which he swears he didn't cause "he wouldn't do that to me"

I told him he had companionship and LOVE at home and he said "I supposed I did"

I am bitter, hurt, pissed off, you name it. I want him and her to feel what this hell is like. I want him to go to jail for his voyeurism and I want her to have to know what its like to have your life as you know it ripped apart because of one selfish asshole who cares only about the piece of shit he sees in the mirror.


Me(BS):39 Him(WS):39
D-Day: Jan 21/08 Divorced: Apr. 20/09
Twins: b/g 8yrs and two stepkids
KINGSLIME kicked another one to the curb!!!

Posts: 1157 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
TooAloof
Member
Member # 12764
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, January 2nd (Friday)

Hi, I guess I belong here...

My WH left me for 3 months in 2007 and moved in with his Ho, but then came back when he realized his mistake... Then went right on having the affair with her. I allowed way too much contact (they worked together) I never stood my ground.

I finally got definitive proof in July 08 that they were still sleeping together, and began World War III with him that night.

To outsiders, I guess it looks like he "left me" for her, but Really, I pushed him out, asked for a separation, divorce, etc... But the only reason I did that, was because HE WOULDN'T GIVE HER UP.

So, stalemate, I guess.

It felt awful and humiliating. Then I started seeing someone, and that helped tremendously. Really, really helped. It got my mind off the horrible situation, and has bolstered my ego like you would not believe... I'm not saying that you need to find a replacement asap if your spouse dumps you, but for me it was a lifesaver.

And, this guy thinks he's the luckiest man alive. Tells me I'm beautiful and special and that he loves me all the time.

Really really loves me...

I still feel like a failure when it comes to my marriage, but I am feeling better and better every single day,

TA


Well I've got thick skin and an Elastic heart (But your blade it might be too sharp)...I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard. (Yeah I might snap and I move Fast).

Posts: 932 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: PNW
ReGenerate
Member
Member # 22272
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, January 4th (Sunday)

My WS left me for OP. My predictions - WS will be in serious debt in 3 - 6 months. OP will be disillusioned with WS in about the same amount of time, as WS has children with me and CS will take a good bite out of his paycheck. With the economy sucking, I am slashing the household budget (have been for some time, which WS resented while we were together) and I am belt tightening like crazy. Me and kids will be OK. WS is spending like new life with OP is huge vacation!!! OP is not fully aware of financial arrangements and is not a big earner, and will soon realize WS is being supported by much much younger OP...

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jan 2009
ReGenerate
Member
Member # 22272
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, January 4th (Sunday)

BTW, my WS has the worst breath in the world!!! I will surely check out teeth and breath when I recover enough to begin dating again.

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jan 2009
ReGenerate
Member
Member # 22272
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, January 7th (Wednesday)

Intercepted an email from OP to my WS (WS will never know!) apparently things aren't heavenly in fantasy world. OP is pouting because WS is pulling away, suggesting WS should leave. WS will stay, has no where else to go and no money...

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jan 2009
inknots
Member
Member # 22132
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, January 12th (Monday)

Man, my STBEX does not want anything to do with me. He only emails to take the temperature and to ask for things he needs. He is 180ing me and I am 180ing him (only he has no idea what that is) and he is holing up with that whore in our house. He even admitted I looked great the last time I saw him but he does not miss me one bit.
I feel even more rejected now!

Posts: 914 | Registered: Dec 2008
ReGenerate
Member
Member # 22272
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, January 12th (Monday)

(((((((((Ink)))))))))))

Mine tells everyone how much he misses his son (but not me!!).


Posts: 282 | Registered: Jan 2009
foxglove
Member
Member # 21791
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, January 15th (Thursday)

I've been on this site for a few months and only just found this part of SI. I finally found where I belong.

My dday was in August, 2006 and my XH and I went to MC for three months, but it was very clear that he was still in contact with her. I told him I was filing for divorce, and as soon as the words were out, he left and went to be with her-the day before our 21st wedding anniversary.

I could never find the exact word to describe what I felt, but as I was reading through all the previous posts, I found the word-abandonment. 21 years of married life invalidated because of his abandonment.

Interestingly, I got a phone call the other night from my XH-he thought I had called him and so was "returning" the call. Umm, no. So, we chatted for a little bit, caught up on news about our college aged kids who just went back to school. As I hung up, I was kind of relieved that I could talk to him without such intense anger and resentment. I felt like I was making progress.

Two days later, I heard from a colleague that he's not very happy with the OW and he made a big mistake. He regrets what he's done.

It's like a scab that's been ripped open again. I feel raw again.

[This message edited by foxglove at 7:50 PM, January 15th (Thursday)]


Me (BS)52
XH (WS)
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two grown sons, 26 & 28

Posts: 1488 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Northern Michigan
invictus
Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, January 15th (Thursday)

Mine moved in with OW on January 2nd 2009. He still comes over to our house to help out with stuff because the weather is extreme up here... but (shrug) I just don't know.

My daughters 21 and 24 still live at home and they are FURIOUS with him. The MC tried to suggest he move back home to help our financial and heal the kids but they might kill him in his sleep so it's probably not a great idea.

I will be moving from Alaska to Texas to take care of his elderly parents, late this summer. It may not be a permanent move, I have no way to know...

Reconciliation doesn't really look too likely- but omg, I cannot imagine going the rest of my life without being loved and held and (woohoo) sex. It's been bad enough that he hadn't touched me since July with any intention other than a friendly hug.

So I'm on a financial knife edge, an emotional battlefield (daughter's feelings toward him) and sexually frustrated. Adolescence had NOTHING over on THIS!


♥ BW m. 31 years - Divorced in 2009. Living in tiny low income apartment, struggling; no car. Not able to make ends meet. Anybody have a spare miracle?

Posts: 1882 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
sleepysleeperson
New Member
Member # 22019
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, January 21st (Wednesday)

My STBXH stayed two months after Dday. Not for me, but because he didn't want to hurt the kids.

Maybe its selfish but it hurt even more to know that if it wasn't for the kids he would have left months before that. Maybe even before he met the OW.


To Thine Own Self Be True

Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: OH
Moving On Up
Member
Member # 18809
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, January 23rd (Friday)

I am not quite there yet. Dday2 10 days ago, she hasn't seen him for almost a year(falseR),but found out she had been in contact almost through the whole time. Last week she told me he was still in her head and that she was going to stop contact.Four days of waiting for her to figure out her way of stopping contact she told me she is going to see him in a couple of weeks.She loves me(yeah right) and kind of wants me too. She wanted me to keep it quiet"so that if she came back and it was over we could maybe start again, and that she would sweep me off my feet" Too much even for me. I left the house 4 nights ago and am going to file. Want to go NC with her, I did tell her clearly that 100 per cent if she goes then there will never be a chance with me again. She is still angry with me and still in contact with him. Cannot hang around to let this bus hit me. Any ideas from you guys further along this road. I have stated and mean it that if she wants me she must end it NC and really show me she wants me. This seems a bit open ended to me. Any ideas


The first cut is the deepest.
Me BS 53
She FWS 48
Together 21 years

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: USA
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, January 31st (Saturday)

Moving On Up,

1. You are entitled to set some limits. Keep clarifying the limits, but but keep some flexibility with the consequences for yourself. Try something like "This is extremely difficult for me. I refuse to share you with another person. I know it is difficult for you, but, at some point I will have to think of myself ahead of this current situation."

2. Get at the specific issues. Ask, "What does it mean to get it out of your system?" or "What do you need to get it out of your system?" If this opens a constructive dialogue this may be a good sign. If she's reluctant to go there, throw out suggestions. "Is he controlling you?" or "Does it feel good to be wanted by two people?" Allow your voice to trail at the end and say it calmly and self assuredly. This may open the door for discussion. Keep asking questions - dig deep. Keep asking "what do you mean by that?" and see where it leads.

Define your boundaries and stand up for them.

[This message edited by SerJR at 12:34 PM, January 31st (Saturday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
prty_1
New Member
Member # 22328
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, February 8th (Sunday)

Mine's left me and the kids 10 days after DD. Now lives with her 15 minutes from my home.


ME-BS 35
STBXH - 36
Married - 8 yrs. together 11
4 - kids
DDay 12/31/08

Posts: 31 | Registered: Jan 2009
StoryHour
Member
Member # 19725
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, February 17th (Tuesday)

STBXH claimed he was leaving anyway when I confronted him with the knowledge that I knew, but I have emails between him and MOW that confirm he moved his moving plans WAY on up.

They have already broken up once (she already doesn't trust him because she thinks he's too flirty on FB and MySp, plus she has her kids and her fledgling internet business to think about before she even files for divorce.) At this point I don't know, nor do I really care if they're together. If they are, boy, did she catch a real winner.

His mother makes a big show about how "devastated" he is to have to leave his son, who he's talked to on the phone for 2 minutes one time (and only after I prompted him to) since he left. Yeah, I fail to see his devastation.

[This message edited by StoryHour at 12:17 PM, February 17th (Tuesday)]


3 Strikes you're out pal!
D. 8-10


Posts: 2039 | Registered: May 2008
sofresh
Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, February 19th (Thursday)

I think I will be joining you soon.
He says he stopped loving me before her. He wants to separate...so we don't aregue, and so he can see her (I am sure).
I just can beleive this....I wish I could discover I don't love him.
I have a young baby...oh and that's he main reason for keeping touch with me (I am sure).
I know we are all hurting...is there any comfort here?


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, February 19th (Thursday)

sofresh... hope is never gone. It is a gift that we create within ourselves. However, too much hope placed in the wrong place is the opposite of despair... it can overpower and consume you in the end. Create the hope in you... for you.

What can you do? Value yourself over the fears you have. Put the focus on taking care of yourself (the 180 is great for this) and start rebuilding your self esteem independently. Take action. Consult a lawyer for informational purposes, open a separate bank account and deposit money in there, draft up a budget, cut him off emotionally, get involved in activities you enjoy, and get yourself prepared - it's just good business. These actions will also help you cope and develop independent strength by dealing effectively with the adversity you face. They may also have the effect of waking him up to the reality he is creating. Take over the wheel in your life... and you get to decide where you go.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
akasha_1973
Member
Member # 22735
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, February 23rd (Monday)

Wow! After all this searching on the site, I sadly must call this place home. Here's my quick story. XWS - 38 BS (me) - 35
DS 4months OW - 23 Together 15 years. Strangely, my d-day was way after I asked him to leave. During the pregnancy he was really freaked out. We didn't think we would ever be parents. I remember watching Juno and telling him I thought he would leave me for his music and a new life just like in the movie...apparently, I was crazy to think that. He started staying out all night. He never practiced this behavior before. The 3rd time we were at our friend's house and he informed me he was leaving and staying out again all night. I left pissed off and texted him from home telling him to grab so of his clothes and things because his behavior was not welcome. He insured me that he loved me deeply but "in 2 months our lives are going to change and I just need this". He was out of the house for what I thought was going to be a week. He returned a week later telling me he didn't feel the same about me and wanted to walk away for sometime but would be back for the baby. I was so stupid and trusting that I actually let him have our car and I dragged my 7th month pregnant carcass around on transit. It wasn't till he told me that it wasn't cheating as I broke up with him. This was all news to me. He still refused to answer if he found someone else. Thankfully he saved that bomb for my birthday. I asked him directly again if there was someone else and this time he said yes. He fought me on the fact that I knew she was a groupie from his band's website. He didn't want me to think the music attracted this problem into my world. She is super supportive and thinks his music is really great and that he's a metal god. I was not supportive of the music because it was being placed in front of me and the pregnancy. They had been living together since he left me and he has really strong feelings for her....now he loves her and has found his perfect match. He sees his son about once a week for about 15 minutes. He says just give him time and he'll be a better father. Since D-Day there have been several times where he called me or during a conversation about mediation he would cry and say that he still loved me. If he hadn't been so stupid to fall for someone else, he would be with me and our son now. Thankfully finding this thread has been awesome...I know that these were all common things that he will say. My favorite is the call basically asking me if he can come home but I said that I will not be involved with someone who will take the first chance to run downtown and screw is Whore Princess. I told him he had to play it out and see where we stand after. It's been 6months and I am freaking out. Should the newness not have worn off yet? Is she really that friggin wonderful and I suck that bad? I have days were it hurts but I can see it being a benefit that he is not around with his crappy attitude and then there are days like today where he doesn't call hasn't in about a week and I dearly wish that he would come home or at least remember me or his son. I want him to feel pain of loss and betrayal but it seems as though they are quite happy together. I'm now starting a 180 to get myself on track. I just don't understand why he gets to be so very happy without so much as a care about us. Even better, he refused to sign some documents when our son was born which has now caused the government to back check my records and so far....I owe them $500. THIS WASN'T WHAT I WANTED and now I am punished for his action not only with a loss of his income but now I have to pay out of my meager maternity leave. Right on!!!


WS - 38
BS (me) - 35
OW (groupie whore) - 23 - soon to be child bride because they are SOULMATES and need to be united for eternity.
DS 6 months
WS Left the house Aug 19/08
D-Day Oct 4/08
Has been living with her since the day he left.

Posts: 383 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Canada
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, March 2nd (Monday)

Well, my WH left to immediately move in with the OW 5 months ago (to the day!). It's been very hard, as most you already know, but I've managed to pull myself up by my bootstraps & move on.

Our young adult daughters are still very angry with him (one still lives with me), but I have asked them to lighten up... What will be- will be. He left ME, not them, but they can't help but feel the way they do.

It matters not to me whether his new relationship lives or dies.

I have already discovered a new life & a new SO, who was once in my shoes. He is a kind-hearted & loving man who always manages to bring me back to earth when my emotions start to simmer.

Maybe this was meant to be, I don't know. But what a painful way for fate to correct things!

I do know that even if this new relationship doesn't work out, I still would never go back to the STBXH. I have way too much respect for myself to ever accept a second rate person back into my life. Especially since I now know what being treated really special feels like!


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2208 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
diditagn
Member
Member # 3433
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, March 7th (Saturday)

just finally started reading over here. ex is with one of his ow now...,.and to be honest it really hurts.

One observation though, so often people tell me I have to just get over it. We have been divorced for almost 3 years. I've dated but haven't found anyone that I click with or that I could have a ltr with.

Do you think that when they leave for the op that it takes longer to move on?

To me I look at the op and think omg she is a skank, she is ugly fat and stupid. What does she have that I didn't?

I am still just having a really hard time with all of this. Am I the only one?


Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.

Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: WI
hope4better
Member
Member # 14919
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, March 9th (Monday)


No didit, you are not the only one. I have been divorced for almost 2years now and I still haven't let go or moved on.

Just like you, I wonder what that borderline illiterate, non-working whore has that I didn't. Why he was so willing to make their relationship work and could give a damn about ours (we were together 15years)! Almost every day I beat myself up wondering why her and not me?

People who haven't been in our shoes don't understand how hard it is to "just move on".

I wish I had some words of encouragement for your but I don't. I'm where you are and I will unfortunately probably be this way for a very long time.

Guess we just have to keep faith that one day, we will finally move on....it just takes time.


Me: BW-35
Him: WH-35
Kids: 13 and 2yrs (both kids are his)
DDay #1: Summer of 1998 (ow#1)
DDay #2: Summer of 2003 (ow#2)
DDay #3: Summer of 2004 (ow#3)
DDay #4: Summer of 2005 (ow#4 21yr old) He kept this one
Married: 6yrs Divorced: 2007

Posts: 939 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: midwest
ittybittya
Member
Member # 7527
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, March 9th (Monday)

Something that has been really bothering me lately and I honestly don't know if this might be because XH left for OP but I find myself feeling like I don't really fit with my SO's family.

I'm wondering if I fear getting to close only to lose it or if I'm not really welcome and never will be. Just a few things that tend to bother me. Its like it will never stop feeling like my boys and I got left.......left for what, we don't really now yet.


...still has much to learn :-(

Posts: 13528 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Jade1964dream
Member
Member # 21362
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, March 10th (Tuesday)

I've asked the same question (rarely now, no longer daily) - what does she have better that I don't. After reading alot of the posts on this thread, it just hit me (the similarities are just something that could not be ignored as most of the OW are skanky, fat, ugly, worthless, needy) - the answer has to be - she kisses the ground he walks on and she'll lower herself to make him feel needed.

I'll be damned if I do that for such an a**hole.

[This message edited by Jade1964dream at 2:52 AM, March 10th (Tuesday)]


Jadie

Posts: 588 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Paradise
hope4better
Member
Member # 14919
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, March 10th (Tuesday)

the answer has to be - she kisses the ground he walks on and she'll lower herself to make him feel needed.

Jade-I think you are right!

I’ll admit, she is 13yrs younger than I (and wxh) and toothpick thin (even after having 2 kids) and I am at the moment, the fat one. As far as looks, we are both average. Despite those differences, I think the biggest difference between us is that I work (have done so since 16) and have a really good job. I can take care of myself and my kids, I’m self sufficient. She doesn’t work (hasn’t in 3yrs), and when she did work (2005-2006), it was very minimal. She is on state assistance for her first kid (from another relationship), and based on the content of a letter she wrote to my ex in 2005, she is not very educated. She IS NEEDY. Hell, she and my wxh both live with her parents!

Now, I'll admit, she is more skilled in the bedroom than I which is I think part of why my ex is so in luuvvv with her but I think the biggest draw is the fact that she NEEDS him. He’s her “savior”, he’s her excuse to not grow the fuck up and actually work to get ahead in life.

I even think he likes the fact that she isn’t working because, hell, he can control her. She can’t make it without him or the damn state. I think my ex was looking for someone who would praise him non-stop no matter what he did/does.

Only thing I don’t understand is why he is being so faithful to her (hopefully it’s temporary as they are both confirmed cheaters)

In a way, it’s actually kind of sad that my ex thinks so little of himself that he chose a needy little girl over his wife. He doesn’t even realize, that I was with him because I loved him and wanted to be with him, not because I needed him. How can he not realize that he will never really know why the OW is with him. He will always wonder if it’s for love or necessity. Ah, who am I kidding, he doesn’t care as long as she continues to feed the hunger of his brokenness.


Me: BW-35
Him: WH-35
Kids: 13 and 2yrs (both kids are his)
DDay #1: Summer of 1998 (ow#1)
DDay #2: Summer of 2003 (ow#2)
DDay #3: Summer of 2004 (ow#3)
DDay #4: Summer of 2005 (ow#4 21yr old) He kept this one
Married: 6yrs Divorced: 2007

Posts: 939 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: midwest
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, March 10th (Tuesday)

Do you think that when they leave for the op that it takes longer to move on?
Interesting question. For me its a double edge sword: on the one hand, I am OVER my ex (its been 2 years since D-day and divorce). I have no feelings for him. On the other hand, I have no desire to have feelings for someone else. I somehow lost my attraction to men. So while I am A-ok and moving on, my trauma runs deep.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
Jade1964dream
Member
Member # 21362
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, March 10th (Tuesday)

Really, what healthy 21 year old would date a married man, live with her parents, off state support, knowingly break up a marriage - for that matter - not only 21 year olds do this type of thing - only the sick ones.


Jadie

Posts: 588 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Paradise
akasha_1973
Member
Member # 22735
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, March 10th (Tuesday)

I fully agree with the no understanding part. How can they be so blind? Yes, it is nothing more than idol worship and someone that will do it in the middle of the night....yep, he even had to tell me that one. How can someone I loved for so long, leave me and treat his whore with more value than myself or his own son. PLEASE KARMA BUS....Do your damage quickly.


WS - 38
BS (me) - 35
OW (groupie whore) - 23 - soon to be child bride because they are SOULMATES and need to be united for eternity.
DS 6 months
WS Left the house Aug 19/08
D-Day Oct 4/08
Has been living with her since the day he left.

Posts: 383 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Canada
sytycd
Member
Member # 22953
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, March 20th (Friday)

Ya my "forever soulbabe" felt like he needed to talk to someone back in November - and instead of his wife (me), a therapist (I had been suggesting for awhile he go because he exhibited signs of depression), or his friends he chose to start texting my best friend.

Now, if my BF's H stated txting me I would be saying right away 'why r u txting me, its inappropriate' and then I would tell her. But neither of my most trust "friends" thought I should know about this.

She also decided to get involved with my other BFF who is a male. And while she tries to say it was platonic with my H, when my H went to her in December and said he couldnt be the bad guy and leave us at xmas time and to wait til after xmas, she flipped and said he could go eff himself and he only had 1 chance with her and she deserved him not me blaheffinblah. Anyway if it was platonic I dont think she would have reacted that way.

So Feb 1 comes and he sits me down to tell me he wants to leave. Ok fine, I had had enough of his back and forth quarterly leaving festival and said fine. And we were amicable, he lived in the house, we kept life normal (as possible). But then he started dating about 2 wks later. Then I find out it was with my BFF - I lost my freaking mind. I kicked his sorry ass out, freaked out on the phone to her (she called my the male BFF to say she was afraid for her life and how dare I call her the names I did, she didnt deserve them). Since then he's been with her. I am in shock. SHOCK. What did I do to make this man hate me so much that he would take the most vile measure of what a spouse could do to another out on me? I know Im not perfect, but neither is he. She flew off to Cuba for a week a couple of weeks ago because she "couldnt take the stress" of what was going on (oh my heart bleeds) and when I took off to Mexico last week he calls me "mother of year". Like go to hell you pile of crap. If anyone needs to get away from all of this its me, not either one of them.

And then when I got back my daughter comes to me about 4 days later crying saying she just couldnt keep this secret anymore. And I was like "what????". Apparently this bitch called my H at MY home on the Friday night to come over and watch tv with them. And he asked my daughter and she was like "uh I dont think mommy would like that" and he goes "well she doesnt have to know" and she goes"no, I dont want her here daddy" so ok she didnt come. But then he sits her down and says "ok lets just keep this between us, you dont need to tell mommy and ruin her holiday, this is just our secret". THEN he was trying to pawn her off on the Saturday night so he could take slutski out and I made sure that no one would watch her so that he couldnt. I just cant believe how far up his ass his head is. How do you do that to a 12 yr old???? It had been 3 wks since we had found out about him and my BFF at the time and he wants to bring her into my home to watch tv with our daughter like it was NORMAL???? WTF is wrong with this man??? I flippped!!!!!! And when I asked him what the hell he was thinking he just laughed at me like it was joke. And Im just so bewildered, and I say "who ARE YOU????" It wasnt until I told him that our daughter wanted to email and mail and letter to his OW about how much she hated her for ruining her family and wanted to know if it was wrong if we drove by her house and threw a brick threw her car window that he finally got serious. When a 12 yr old is saying stuff like that, you know its bad.

I have both her and I going for therapy, but it doesnt start until April 21 - and he said he was going to see someone. And I said well that was good he should have done it long ago - and he says 'well its not for US its for ME' and I said "good cause you need it and I told you months ago you should go for just yourself, but ofcourse you didnt listen'.

Anyway - he is in la la land with this bitch, every spare moment he has he's with her, texting, going for coffees, spending the days together, going on dates - stuff Ive been trying to get him to do for yrs and he just wouldnt. He used to be this way with me too - it just pisses me off that she is getting the great sweet guy that I fell in love with and married and made a life with and Im left with a broken home, broken heart, a childs broken heart and trying to sweep up all the pieces and keep everything together while he tells me "she'll get over it".

I hate the things that he has done - but I cant say yet that I hate him. Is that screwed up or what?

sorry for such a long rant - just been away for a week and had a lot to get out.


BS-40
STBXH-43
Married 16 yrs, together 17
1 12yr old daughter

Hopin the Karma Train is headin full speed ahead towards WS!


Posts: 71 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Canada
etg814
New Member
Member # 23067
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, March 21st (Saturday)

That sounds exactly like my ex. We were together for 14yrs and have a 10yr old daughter. Never wanted to go out with me or do anything as a family. Now he's always going out with his new girl, who is an ex from high school. She has a son also and they are always doing stuff with the kids.
I think the thing that bugs me the most is that her marriage ended because she was cheated on and I don't understand how anyone who has been through that could turn around and do it to someone else!

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Dracut, Ma
mab1982
Member
Member # 22724
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, March 21st (Saturday)

I am so afraid that this is going to happen to me. Not sure how I would deal with it. How could I be the only woman he wanted to have his kids (they had 3 abortions together), yet he loves her differently (and seemingly more intimately) than he does me? Hope he comes out of his fog and I dont have to deal with this...he says he would be a single father, but he has always been in LTR before me, so I doubt it. As long as it's not with OW, I will feel a little better. (Am I crazy for saying that?)


Me: BF- 28
HIM: FWF- 33
OW: 33?-desperate, pathetic, delusional, you name it...plus a f*ck buddy and a few hookers
Most recent D-day: 2/23/10
Together: 6 years
Children: 1 y/o D

The b1tch is gone!! Now time for repairs...


Posts: 113 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Northeast USA
sytycd
Member
Member # 22953
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, March 21st (Saturday)

I dont think you are crazy mab - I think you are reality and she is fantasy and men/women seem to like to escape from the real world. Obviously if they had 3 abortions together then that is not real. And I understand about how you feel if it happens but at least not with the OW. I feel the same way - my H could be with anyone but "it" (thats what I call her now, she doesnt even deserve profane names) and I wouldnt care as much.

What an awful situation to be pregnant and having to go through this. As if your hormones arent already flying out of control you have to deal with this too. (((mab)))


BS-40
STBXH-43
Married 16 yrs, together 17
1 12yr old daughter

Hopin the Karma Train is headin full speed ahead towards WS!


Posts: 71 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Canada
deeznt
New Member
Member # 23088
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, April 27th (Monday)

Ok..Here is my story and I could use a LOT of support here...(I hope people read here...)I moved to another state for DH job. Dh decided to pick up with old gf from high school. Needless to say, our "new" life was me and the kids watching him leave us to be with her. He had pretense of his own apartment, but it was just a crash pad. Kids and I leave this state to move back home last Fall. STBX and OW have now moved to our home town (since last week..) and now he's insisting on bringing OW to all of the kids activities. We are not divorced yet...I am so mad and scared...Kids met OW at Dad's new place over the weekend. And, OW and stbx drop kids off at my house-but I'm not supposed to be at their's? HELP!!!! javascript:AddSmily(' ')

Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Illinois
10/04
Member
Member # 16505
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, April 29th (Wednesday)

((deeznt)) Do you have anyone else to go with you to kid's activities? (friends/family)? I am fortunate that ex doesn't bring HER around here. It must be very hard for you to see them together.

Posts: 124 | Registered: Oct 2007
sofresh
Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, June 5th (Friday)

Well, I was certain he was a sociopath, but my therapist says he's certainly NPD.

Did any of you get the multiple false R's I mean they were SO covincing. Each one better than the last. This last time he rented a U-haul took his best friend (who was also convinced) and they took EVERYTHING from her house. Then he was totally NC for 4 days, she would text, but I had his phone, she would drive to his freind's houses and beg them to contact him, she would e-mail them and call them too. He had told her lies everytim too. Like that he was living with his freind, but he was with me.(that's his record) and then they were seeing eachother while we were cohabitating "It's best for DS." he said.
He denied it although I had proof through keylogger. Then the NPD Mother-f'er brought her into my home and F'd her. When I played VAR he gaslighted. WTF!!!!!

I thought after all these months, his flip-flopping, crying , IC that he'd finally be coming more OUT of the FOG, but this Shit is DEEP!!!

He is lying to both of us. Why does this not make sense. I thought he'd pick one to be loyal too. He has slept with me at least twice everytime he came back ,and even before the R's he would proposition me when at the house....so we've had sex at least ten times since he "been with her" but he has her convinced we have done nothing since D-day.


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
sofresh
Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 5th (Friday)

They say Affair Relationships don't last, but it seems many WS have gone on with the OP and some marry.
Is it your observation that WS has changed?
I spoke to a freind whose H left her for his AP and he's been married to OW for years, and there is no evidence of cheating, WS is happy.

I just can't see it. My WH had cheated before...he has cheated on OW the whole time, and how do they think this Relationship will be better?!!!!


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, June 5th (Friday)

I still have trouble with him leaving me for her. What's so fucking great about her? NOTHING. Yet I'm the unhappy one here. They're as happy as can be. Yay them.



Posts: 14579 | Registered: Jun 2008
Cocoad07
New Member
Member # 24186
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, June 8th (Monday)

Just want to post a note. Isn't it ironic how my XH left for another woman now the other woman does not want him talking to me, he says she's very insecure about me, she only wants me to text him we have few kids together. I am the other woman now. HA HA HA! Payback a bitch.


Two years out and starting over! There are still great people out there, don't lose hope.

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2009
ittybittya
Member
Member # 7527
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, June 8th (Monday)

I just felt like posting this same thing here that I also posted in the NB forum......as someone that was left for the OP, I really felt like this applied here too.

... always remember, sometimes things fall apart for other things to fall into place (:



...still has much to learn :-(

Posts: 13528 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Oklahoma
bbee
Member
Member # 17840
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, June 15th (Monday)

itty, I think maybe you are right. Some things seem to be starting to fall into place for me these days.


This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SE US
TotallyBlown
Member
Member # 24413
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, June 16th (Tuesday)

itty--

I like that saying. I'll try to remember it and maybe it'll give me some hope and being happy again somehow.


Posts: 93 | Registered: Jun 2009
lingerdog
Member
Member # 24459
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday)

If you're willing to talk about it, when WS left for OP, and all the discovery process comes out, does it seem that more times than not, the WS was doing things, outside of the affair like opening new bank accounts and looking for apartments? Things like they were set to leave the marriage even had the affair not been caught?


What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes -Stolen from Uni's page

Posts: 8996 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Awesomeville
runaway
Member
Member # 8720
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, June 24th (Wednesday)

yes

and it still hurts

and I am still stupid and I still love him somehow and I don't know why and it's so stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

I rebuilt my career, I moved back to near my parents, I love my little girls but I can not speak to him or look him in the eye when he meets halfway to get the kids and the evil-bitch-whore-now-wife is smirking away and he is alternately flirting (when she is not looking) or bullying (when she is/he wants to do more dodgy deals over the house that won't sell/he wants the kids and I dare to suggest an alternative ever)

Why do I still care about someone who so clearly never cared for me and certainly doesn't now. I've been disposed of, replaced. I was just a cash cow and a surrogate mother and now he is irritated by my existence but I still have this ridiculous idea in my head that he wasn't always like that and I'm too old-fashioned to just move on and pretend the kids are not hurt and everything is fine.

It's not fine. It will never be fine. There is no karma and there is no point. Just stupid. I am so stupid.


No one can hurt me unless I let them. I forgot that for a while. But I'm back now.

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: UK
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, June 25th (Thursday)

Linger - this is a definite trend with the emotional based affairs (which is what WW/OW's tend to be more involved in).

Affairs stem from poor self esteem, fear of intimacy, and inability to cope with reality. A lot of it has to do with the "win". Pride is the biggest hitter in all of this. Some WS's tend to medicate their self esteem issues with sex, and others with emotional romance and promise of the future. In the first case the WS had sex and it can't be undone - thus he "won" his prize. The latter case however, is looking for that promise of future... and that involves tearing her family apart in effort to prove she was right. Men tend towards the first case and women tend towards the second, although obviously not always.

So yes - your WW probably felt she had to leave for the OM so that she could be right. It has nothing to do with you or the OM - it's about her need to feed her pride.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, June 25th (Thursday)

(((runaway))) you are not stupid. Your heart needs time to catch up to your brain. There's some biological factors at work here. Trust me when I tell you, it gets better. Look back at your history with him and you will see that he wasn't an angel.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
JW123
Member
Member # 21265
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 25th (Thursday)

Well I have been 4 weeks separated (he moved out) and after the first week he was back in contact with OW. They discussed their situations. She is getting divorced, and well we are separated. I just cant believe that after 14.5 years of marriage, he is thinking of leaving for HER. It burns me, it consumes me. It is like she has won. How do I handle this, how do I move on? Any suggestions. I DONT want her to be my children's step mother.


Him (WS)43
Me (BS) 43
3 beautiful children
D -Day 13 October 2008
He moved out - 1st June 2009.
Divorced - 29/11/2011
He lives with OP now
Married 15 years. Known him 21 years
(Although I suspected, denial is quite a thing)

Posts: 488 | Registered: Oct 2008
devastated07
Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 25th (Thursday)

I DONT want her to be my children's step mother.
If he's serious about leaving you, get to a lawyer NOW and start putting provisions in place so his (and OW's)contact is controlled and supervised.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 25th (Thursday)

JW - I would make it very clear that he can either commit to the marriage or you will move forward with divorce and I would stick to that strategy. If you make empty threats, set boundaries you have no intention of defending, and only "pretend" to move on he'll continue to take advantage of the situation and manipulate you.

I suspect that he probably wants to have both you and the OW and that the OW is forcing his hand. It could be possible that he just separated to appease the OW. I suggest that you start letting him deal with the real life consequences of what he's doing. Get your lawyer involved. Close him off financially. Cut him off emotionally. Expose the affair. Once he sees that people will not approve of what he's doing and that there will be definite impacts on the quality of his life, then, and possibly only then, he might come around to wanting to work on the marriage. He might try to not make a decision, but in doing so he'll have chosen not you. Keep up with the 180 to rebuild your sense of self.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
JW123
Member
Member # 21265
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, June 25th (Thursday)

I have given him a deadline. Gave it to him two weeks ago. He and I are sitting down tomorrow alone (if he has not forgotten - although I will remind him) and are discussing this whole thing. SerJR, you are correct, I think that the OP might indeed be forcing his hand. Tomorrow I need to find a way to stay calm but to tell him that he needs to committ to the marriage or leave. I am due to give him half my wages tomorrow as we share expenses, but he is not getting a cent. I have exposed the affair but the two of them dont seem to care.

Devastated07 - depending on the outcome of tomorrow I think I will see my lawyer because I am NOT letting her near my children - in particular my baby.


Him (WS)43
Me (BS) 43
3 beautiful children
D -Day 13 October 2008
He moved out - 1st June 2009.
Divorced - 29/11/2011
He lives with OP now
Married 15 years. Known him 21 years
(Although I suspected, denial is quite a thing)

Posts: 488 | Registered: Oct 2008
tigerlilly
Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 25th (Thursday)

I hardly am ever on SI anymore, but I want to tell you that this happened to me AND I am ok, way better than ok. You can get there too.

A little more than 2 years ago, my husband of 18 years left me for someone I thought was my best friend. They almost immediately moved in together. Now they have a nice house 1/2 mile away from me.

But I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it anymore. They lost most of thir friends, most of her family (his accepts this). The kids all get along, but my kids will NEVER think of her as their step mom. They are cordial to her face, but call her 'the weed' behind her back.

I think my ex is a complete ass and she is vile. I wrote that so you would know, it is NOT one of these situations where we are 'all friends' again.

What I do want you to hear is-
My life is good. They do not consume me anymore. I am closer to my kids than ever. I am finding new friends. I have found that I LOVE hanging out w/ my family (sibs,in-laws, mom). My world has gotten so much bigger and better and I would NEVER want to switch places w/ her, never.

PS-probably not what you want to hear right now, but I hope if you need it someday, it does.

[This message edited by tigerlilly at 9:08 AM, June 25th (Thursday)]


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 360 | Registered: Mar 2008
tanyaread
Member
Member # 20635
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, June 26th (Friday)

I find it hard. Do these things work? My STBXH left me for 'It' (OP). He has been a serial cheater all his life. I was naive to think that I would be 'different' just because I was the one who managed to marry him (and thank god I did cause he has to pay financially and can't just walk away).

What are the statistics? They have been together for a year, 8 months really if you count WH's 'transition' period from poor, downtrodden me to 'It'. AND they are already about to be parents together? People, please tell me this is a recipe for disaster.

I don't want a karma bus, I want a karma torpedo.


Me (BS): 30
WH: 44
OW: 35
Married: 1 year
D/d: 4 July 2008
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2008
rivergirl81
Member
Member # 22899
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, June 29th (Monday)

Tiger....your words are very comforting. I spend a good portion of each day trying to make sense of what has happened to our family.
WS would not sign separation papers until he saw it in writing that I would not get him for adultery/desertion. He looked me dead in the eye and promised that he was moving in with his sister. As far as I can tell, he has spent every night with OW. DD20 happened to ride by her house, not realizing that was where she lived, and saw all of her dad's vehicles parked there.
Stranger still...she is a bulimic/anorexic who has been hospitalized numerous times. He says she needs him. ??? He has lost 80 pounds in the past year, in an attempt to keep her company, I guess.

Two disturbed people thinking they are going to help each other? Please...


BW (me) = 51
WH (him)= 52
together 22 years
2 children - 21, 17
D-Day = February 3, 2009
His mid-life crisis turned him into a needy, pathetic stranger
Divorced 12/09

Posts: 116 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: the South
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, June 29th (Monday)

Two disturbed people thinking they are going to help each other?

It's very common River. When someone's having difficulty dealing effectively with their own life, they can relieve their insecurities by attaching themselves to those who are worse off. They feel better in relation to them which temporarily strokes their ego. A lot of it has to do with him viewing himself as a knight-in-shining-armour (KISA) wherein he feels that he is a hero who is idolised and adored. It is definitely not a very solid structure to be building a foundation on.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
rivergirl81
Member
Member # 22899
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 29th (Monday)

SerJR - you are so wise. Intellectually, I know that she makes him feel wonderful. He is definitely her "KISA." And not to jest at the seriousness of anorexia....I guess their weekly grocery bill is very small!
What I just can't get is why he thinks his children don't need him....why he has to lie to them repeatedly about where he is and who he's with.
Forget what he's done to me. How can you do your own children that way? Jackass.


BW (me) = 51
WH (him)= 52
together 22 years
2 children - 21, 17
D-Day = February 3, 2009
His mid-life crisis turned him into a needy, pathetic stranger
Divorced 12/09

Posts: 116 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: the South
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 29th (Monday)

He's lying to the children to protect himself. He can't very well be the noble knight if his actions betray the opinion he wants to have of himself. As for him not being there for the children... in his mind they're already there... there's no 'extra' validation perceived by investing more

Be a good mother to those children. Demonstrate for them that, although change does happen, we possess the capacity to rise above it.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
AlwaysSomething
Member
Member # 24421
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, July 8th (Wednesday)

Be a good mother to those children. Demonstrate for them that, although change does happen, we possess the capacity to rise above it

I too am trying to rise above it. Just hard to do with the OW is going to be living in the same house. Well, actually, STBXH is moving in with her. Even showed the kids the empty bedrooms for them. And STBXH has been gone for 3 weeks. Glorious.

Ugh.

Rise above. Kids are #1!!


alwayssomething seems to leave out words when types. Personal pronouns are something doesn't need...

Posts: 701 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Eastside of Lake Washington
Jasmine
Member
Member # 16946
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)

I read each and every one of these threads today, and now here I am joining the thread. I would have thought I would have been one of the ones who made it and triumphed over OW, but unfortunately, thats not how my story ended.

xWS affair started in 2003, first d-day was in 2004. I divorced him in 2005 and went through several (false) reconcilations, about four times too many.

xWS was kicked out on May 15, 2009, married his OW on in a quickie courthouse wedding on June 25, 2009 = Michael Jacksons death date.

I just thought of something discussed earlier in the thread, why do they leave us for the OP?

My opinion the OW is always the "back-up" plan for our WS. If BS kicks him out, If BS finds out again, WS knows he/she has a place to stay... a cushy pillow to land on, so a WS will keep his/her OW on the hook as their own (selfish) safety net, in case the marriage goes bankrupt.

I hate you xWS. Please get hit by a train soon. kthxbai

[This message edited by Jasmine at 11:24 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]


The trick you said, was never play the game too long...

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Nov 2007
cantbreathe09
Member
Member # 24600
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)

My WW and I were separated for 4 months after I found out about her 4 month EA and 1 month PA. I thought the fog had lifted and she said she wanted to work on our marriage and she said the kids and I meant the world to her and that she loves us. Little to say less than two weeks into a false R, she broke NC and started texting OM again. After I told her I knew about the broken NC, I told her if she keeps him in her life there can and will never be an us. Now she has left again and will not reply or answer to my text, phone calls, e-mails, and most of it is about the kids(6&4) which have been with me the whole time. Plus we were supposed to be moving and there is a lot of things that her mom and grandmother gave her and I ask if she is still moving with us and should I take and have everything moved, again no reply. I know I should be doing a 180, but she is doing it to me, the BS spouse. My question is how should I go about this, I want her to still move with us and try reconciling again, plus she has told our kids that after 4 months of her being gone that she was coming home and moving with us. Now they wonder where their mommy is. She broke NC and I told her she must have absolute NC or it will never work between us and now she is pissed at me!!
So, I believe she chose OM, still texting and calling him, but not talking to me or our kids. Any words of wisdom would be most appreciated.


Cry now...smile later.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Holloman AFB, NM
taintedzodiac
Member
Member # 24726
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 15th (Wednesday)

So, I believe she chose OM, still texting and calling him, but not talking to me or our kids. Any words of wisdom would be most appreciated.

If she wants to ignore you, she will. Don't let it eat at you because what you want (what's best for your kids) is not what she wants at this poing. Stick to your guns, she broke the rules you set in place and now all you can do is keep yourself and your kids as your focus.

Here's hoping for the best, no matter what it really is.


Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: PA
scorpio1
Member
Member # 6445
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 15th (Wednesday)

My WH moved to another state with the OW going on two years. You should have seen son chasing after his car as he was driving away. The kids refused to speak to him for five months. During that time, he was miserable and screaming at OW's kids so much that they were afraid of him.

OW latched on to another man and WH was left to piece the information together. He soon left and started living on his own. The kids started speaking to him again, but it's never the same. He comes to visit the kids every three months but they miss out on having a father.

Of course, it hurts them that he didn't love them enough either and moved away. That is something he will have to deal with.

But I wanted to tell you that life goes on. When he left, I was happy to have the chaos gone from my life. I started back to school and will be graduating next semester. Meanwhile, he always blamed us for his not being able to attend school. Which is not the case. But when he finally started school, he was absent too much because of his sickness. He was diagnosed with Colon Cancer and still suffers a lot.

Just move on with your life and find your own happiness. Because no one has a perfect relationship. When WH moved, I said on the board that sometimes when you lose, you win. I won my freedom. What did OW win? A man who is a cheater, a liar, etc. I don't think that's a nice prize.


If a situation requires a lie, you are standing on the wrong side of the issue.
Me-BS 41 years old
STBXWH-37 years old
3 kids D-18; S-15; D-5

Posts: 1891 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: South Florida
taintedzodiac
Member
Member # 24726
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday)

My opinion the OW is always the "back-up" plan for our WS. If BS kicks him out, If BS finds out again, WS knows he/she has a place to stay... a cushy pillow to land on, so a WS will keep his/her OW on the hook as their own (selfish) safety net, in case the marriage goes bankrupt.

This has inspired me. I've been considering trying to contact my WW (breaking the 180 I've been trying to uphold) but this reminded me that she has to lose what she feels for the OM before I can ever hope for R. Instead I'm going to have to remind myself that I should be moving on without her and planning my life on my own.


Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: PA
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday)

My opinion the OW is always the "back-up" plan for our WS. If BS kicks him out, If BS finds out again, WS knows he/she has a place to stay... a cushy pillow to land on, so a WS will keep his/her OW on the hook as their own (selfish) safety net, in case the marriage goes bankrupt.

This was the case in my situation...but I think added to that was XH was never remorseful. Leaving for OW was EASIER than staying to fix what was broken.

That's fine. They are 'happy' for now anyway. It was worth it to XH to leave, you know?

I don't think it'll last. Do I care if it does? Not anymore. Maybe they'll get married, maybe not, but I think however it ends up...it's not going to be a true happily ever after. So good luck with that.

And you know what, maybe she does become their step-mom, there's not a whole lot you can do about it. I don't know, my kids are making up their own minds about OW...and how Dad is when she's around, so all I can do is be MY best for them when they're with me (most of the time).

You do get to a point where you won't sweat it so much, like I haven't 'accepted' it and am okay, but I'm accepting enough that I don't worry about it so much anymore. I will never be this woman's (loose term) friend or anything, but I may as well 'accept' what I can't control.



Posts: 14579 | Registered: Jun 2008
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, September 5th (Saturday)

I think that's the hardest part...thinking of my kids meeting her, and coming home, saying Daddy has a girlfriend, we like her! I will so want to tell the kids that she is the slut that broke up our family....daddy move out on us to be with her, and all those nights you called to say goodnight and he didn't answer were because he was in bed with her....

I know I can't say these things. But the thought that my children might actually end up liking the witch just turns my stomach.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5868 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
JW123
Member
Member # 21265
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, September 16th (Wednesday)

Well it is now official. I caught them together He says he loves her, she loves him. They plan on being together. Interestingly enough he has never been to a lawyer. I have now been to one. I have the papers. It just seems that I am now handing him over to OW. Please help me........I feel so overwhelmed. She has won. I am the loser. Why was I not good enough?


Him (WS)43
Me (BS) 43
3 beautiful children
D -Day 13 October 2008
He moved out - 1st June 2009.
Divorced - 29/11/2011
He lives with OP now
Married 15 years. Known him 21 years
(Although I suspected, denial is quite a thing)

Posts: 488 | Registered: Oct 2008
goingkookoo
Member
Member # 25488
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)

Sorry - I sent you a PM before I read this.

I am overwhelmed with sympathy for you and your situation. I don't get them. How do they just change overnight?

There aren't words that can even explain it and I am just so sorry. I keep holding on to it's ain't over till it's over but these stories of being left for the OW/OM certainly don't help....


Me (39)
WS (44)
Married 11 years
4 amazing children
D-Day's- Too many
8/2010 - Filed for D

Posts: 226 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Florida
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)

Its totally ovewhelming especially when it just happens. Please take one day at a time. Its normal to question ourselves wonder WHY to everything. Hang tight and vent to us anytime. (((((((((hugs))))))))


Me: 42
Two boys: 18 and 15
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25681 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
jbp111
Member
Member # 21072
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)

I belong here too..my XWW divorced me and married her OM less than a month after the divorce was final.

She got remarried without telling me, her kids or her family..Her parents hadn't even met him until after the big day.

It's a struggle.


Me: 34 BS
Her: 34 WXW
OM: Married exwife 1 month after divorce.
1 son 4 / shared custody.
D-Day: June 23rd 2008
Divorce Date: January 8, 2009

Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Cincinnati,.Ohio
JW123
Member
Member # 21265
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, September 17th (Thursday)

I just fail to understand why they give it all up for the OP and her/his children? I mean surely it is preferable to stay with your spouse who loves you and your own flesh and blood? my husband said I will never know how hard it was for him to walk away - but surely if it was THAT HARD, he would not have done it?


Him (WS)43
Me (BS) 43
3 beautiful children
D -Day 13 October 2008
He moved out - 1st June 2009.
Divorced - 29/11/2011
He lives with OP now
Married 15 years. Known him 21 years
(Although I suspected, denial is quite a thing)

Posts: 488 | Registered: Oct 2008
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 18th (Friday)

JW - the affair is all about a fantasy version of themselves they build up, reflected through the eyes of the OP, that they fall in love with. When they leave for the OP it has nothing to do with you - it's all about their need to desperately clutch to that idolised version of themselves to cover up that ugly truth they don't want to face. Courage is strength of character to stand up for what is right. Cowardice is to run from one's self. Neither one is easy... courage does demand tremendous heart... but seeking instant gratification is often at the expense of our own character which is a truly horrible fate to suffer.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
JW123
Member
Member # 21265
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, September 25th (Friday)

Thanks SerJR, what you say makes so much sense. Apparently both of them are saying that they are in love because each is so kind, considerate, understanding and good listeners. I mean, I was all that, but I run a household, work a full day, have three children (her husband also is working hard to provide). I think you are right, they are being cowards....they are not prepared to look at THEIR actions but each blame me or her H for their poor marriages. THIS makes me VERY ANGRY. Trouble is how do I hate her so much but then have to let my precious children go to her every 2nd weekend...so she can kill them with kindness. I want nothing to do with her (or him) right now!


Him (WS)43
Me (BS) 43
3 beautiful children
D -Day 13 October 2008
He moved out - 1st June 2009.
Divorced - 29/11/2011
He lives with OP now
Married 15 years. Known him 21 years
(Although I suspected, denial is quite a thing)

Posts: 488 | Registered: Oct 2008
goingkookoo
Member
Member # 25488
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, September 26th (Saturday)

I am here too. He moved out on 9/11 as I told him to leave b/c he was fence sitting. He did and now is pursuing a relationship with OW and knows that I know. I see the phone records and the history of their texting (it is a long distance relationship). He went up to see her last weekend and it seems all is bliss in paradise while I sit here in misery trying to put on a smile for my children. I hate him/ I love him. I am so conflicted. I want to start moving forward but it is so hard. Each day I am not sure how I am going to make it but I know I will. I have to but it is not fair that he is so happy and I am so sad. Just needed to vent as I will not tell him any of this (180)....


Me (39)
WS (44)
Married 11 years
4 amazing children
D-Day's- Too many
8/2010 - Filed for D

Posts: 226 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Florida
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, September 26th (Saturday)

Hey Kook, Chances are he is not as happy as you think he is, but, he is not going to tell you that right now. KWIM?


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
goingkookoo
Member
Member # 25488
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 26th (Saturday)

Thanks - I sometimes wonder as he seems so indifferent...


Me (39)
WS (44)
Married 11 years
4 amazing children
D-Day's- Too many
8/2010 - Filed for D

Posts: 226 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Florida
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, September 26th (Saturday)

I sometimes wonder as he seems so indifferent...

If he was actually happy, hon, he would be skipping through ya know? It is gonna hit him when he realized he has hit rock bottom and his only support system is a bottom feeder.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
notsosureanymore
Member
Member # 18051
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, September 26th (Saturday)

Checking in here to but I only read the first and last pages so far. Wow, I couldn't imagine if my fww actually married her bum,(no really) but she did stay at her mothers place to figure out what she wanted for 6to8 weeks. The thing is her leaving for the op makes it so much harder to get back to what was normal. But I guess he was just a tool. Here we are three years later and still having problems with it, at least off and on monthly and last two weeks. it would seem that it could be time to let it go. I can relate to what jw123 has said about your own flesh and blood wanting to walk away and serJR you always really nail it. I don't think my fww would go back to op at this point, I'd really would be surprised. Now I think she just may want to try living alone with the idea of someone else at this time.

Posts: 221 | Registered: Feb 2008
Citizen325
Member
Member # 23054
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, September 26th (Saturday)

My ww left me for an om that was the complete opposite. Shorter, skinnier, uglier, uneducated, minimum wage job, 10 years younger. Honest to goodness less than me in every way. He even still lives at home with his parents.

My children want nothing to do with him. She has attempted to insert him into our previous social circle and all my children's events. It has been 9 months and, for me, the pain is actually getting worse. I have tried to move on but after a decade and a half of marriage it is tough. My only consolation is that I received everything in the dissolution. I am tired of being the responsible one and reaping no benefits. The one short-lived rebound relationship that I had was a disaster......


Posts: 58 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: USA
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, September 26th (Saturday)

Citizen - it's very common for the OP to be a polar opposite to the BS. There's a few dynamics behind this phenomena:

- No relationship is perfect... in any one not all of a person's emotional needs are being met 100% (let's say in your case you were doing pretty good and met 80% of her needs). The part that's missing (the 20%) becomes the object of pursuit - afterall the rest is already being met by you... it is assumed or taken for granted so the importance of the missing 20% becomes inflated. Due to fears of intimacy, the WS is often afraid to take responsibility for making their relationship better and this creates the perception of isolation. So, the OP can meet this hypothetical 20% and the WS will perceive all of their needs being met by the OP (attributing the 80% you offered as already there).

-Knight in Shining Armour Syndrome: A WS can temporarily relieve their internal insecurities by surrounding themselves with people even worse off than they are - this allows them to feel better than everyone else and perpetuates an illusion of being an adored/idolised version of themselves. (Note - often the more stable/secure the BS is the more the WS will resent them)

As I mentioned above, they're building their life around an illusion they want to believe. One can run from reality, but the consequences have a nasty habit of not giving a damn... a life built upon a sand castle may look pretty but lacks integrity... and there's nothing the crashing waves of reality love more than to eat a fool and his/her sand castle for breakfast.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Citizen325
Member
Member # 23054
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, September 26th (Saturday)

SerJR,

Very interesting.....but the utmost of contempt for me? Not only from her but her family as well. You would think that I were the catalyst in all of this.

Actually her and I came from two different backgrounds, socio-econmic, educational, etc. I used to be her KISA....just having trouble making sense of it all.


Posts: 58 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: USA
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, September 26th (Saturday)

"but the utmost of contempt for me?"

She has to have reason to resent you for her version of reality to make sense to her. It's reverse logic... if she hates you then there must be a reason. If there's a reason then she must have been justified in her actions. If her actions were justified then she's the victim and still gets to hold onto her illusionary fantasy of herself. As for her family it's pretty similar... nobody wants to admit they raised a jackal for a daughter so they'll believe what they want to believe.

"I used to be her KISA....just having trouble making sense of it all."

It might make perfect sense... instead of her learning to introspect, take responsibility for her problems, and solve them, she sought to medicate them through external avenues and never developed healthy coping mechanisms for constructively dealing with reality. When her fear of intimacy (affairs are fear driven) created the perception of isolation, again, she looked to external quick fixes instead of actually solving her problem. This just ends up further propagating the unhealthy cycle.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Citizen325
Member
Member # 23054
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, September 26th (Saturday)

SerJR,

Wow!!! Very astute!!! Is there any way to predict the outcome of her current relationship? I am not concerned for her, but my kids as we do have shared custody. This idealistic relationship of hers has been going strong since last November. She has burned through all of her finances so I think reality may be knocking on the door.

And one more thing, how does someone such as myself deal with the way I am perceived by anyone who has heard her side of the story?


Posts: 58 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: USA
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, September 26th (Saturday)

Here's a discussion regarding your first question:

Will the Affair work out in the end?:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=267238

As for your second... I'm reminded of a quote from Dr. Seuss to the effect of "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." But what truly matters is what *you* think of yourself.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
movingonandup
Member
Member # 17820
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, October 27th (Tuesday)

I'm not sure if this is where I need to post or not. I have not been on this site for a long time, but I'm afraid I've hit my breaking point.

My ex is living with his AP. It has been 1 1/2 years since our D was final. We were married 30 years. I have felt like I have come to terms with the fact they are still together, but the thing that has put me in a tailspin is that now my grown children have started having a relationshop with their dad and her. It's killing me.

I have never felt this kind of pain, and I'm really worried this is more than I can handle. I don't want to feel betrayed by them, but I do. In the beginning all they said was that they would never have anything to do with her, never wanted to meet her...and I believed them. Especially my daughter. I never thought she would have anything to do with her, and now, here they are, having family get-togethers and I can't handle it:-( I've already lost everything and the thought of losing my kids and grandkids too is terrifying.

My family has brought me the most joy for the past 30 years, and now they are causing me the most pain. My ex & girlfriend now come to my grandkids events and it hurts like hell. Part of me wants to run away so I don't have to deal with the constant pain of it all. I have been trying to heal from all this the right way, but I'm ready to give up. I was just getting to a point I could tolerate being around him when he was by himself, but now that she comes with him, it puts me in a RAGE! I think I'm going crazy.

I've always tried to live my life the right way...and he is a liar, cheater and incredibly selfish, yet he has come out the winner in all of this. While I am alone, he is with her, her family and is now alienating me from all I have left. It's just too painful and I see no end in sight.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Indiana
Buzz09
Member
Member # 25971
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday)

She has to have reason to resent you for her version of reality to make sense to her. It's reverse logic... if she hates you then there must be a reason. If there's a reason then she must have been justified in her actions. If her actions were justified then she's the victim and still gets to hold onto her illusionary fantasy of herself. As for her family it's pretty similar... nobody wants to admit they raised a jackal for a daughter so they'll believe what they want to believe

SerJR,

I just had a flashback to an IC session. This is exactly how my IC explained it. Thins fell into perspective rather quickly after hearing that.


Me BH 40
WW 41

Posts: 648 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: buzz09
onhold
Member
Member # 17394
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, December 4th (Friday)

movingonandup, that is horrible and i can feel your pain.

what helped me.

hearing kids are 50% each parent and if they are on bad terms with one parent they are 50% on bad terms with themselves. so for the kids, it is psychologically better they have a reasonable relation with their father than one of hate, abandonment, resentment etc

knowing that the relationship xWH has with them can never compare with the relationship I had. He was busy at work, I was at home, thinking about them, caring for them, being there.

Not every father-child relation is like this, but this is how it was in our house. He put first work & himself. I put first kids & him.

And if their relationship with xH is 100 times weaker than their relationship with mem then the relationship with xH's new 'wife' is about 10 million times weaker.

She is nothing to them, they are nothing to her. Sure they can be polite, it is better than if she was being nasty. But I don't feel that that takes can hold the faintest candle to my relation with my kids....


Posts: 88 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Erurope
luv2swim
Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, December 18th (Friday)

I most definitely belong here. Former husband (divorce should be final by the end of the year), has told mutual friends that he and OW are getting married. They all ready own a house together (they bought this BEFORE divorce was filed, thanks to help from my mother "outlaw"

Ex is doing the demonizing thing. I am the demon and cause for his unhappiness. I think it is in the script, but only because so many here have noted the same pattern.

The really excellent thing about his venom, is I find gratitude for the OW now. She is doing me the greatest favor and taking ex off my hands while he passes through this phase of his life. I think of it as a resorting of brain matter! Honest, I really loved this man, and thought we had a very good marriage. But who he is now.. she can have him.

It took a long while to get here. I used to feel so sorry for myself: I was rejected and directly replaced. So sad... poor me... such an awful situation... blaming it on the vile seductress "spider woman" OW. And hating my in laws for encouraging the divorce, buying into my husbands complaints about me.

Then, I listened to Oprah Winfeys soul series interview (on iTunes under the Oprah.com's Spirit Channel) with Jill Bolte Taylor, the neuro scientist who wrote the book "Stroke of Insight". It is a 4 part interview, and along the way, Blote Taylor talks about our brain, and how all these emotions we are feeling, and the mind spin that we go through (especially with the pain of infidelity) all come from a place in the brain that is the size of a p-nut. And what we feel as this profound misery, is just the firing of neurons. Nothing more. Nothing less. And that when her own brain starts to take her to a place where she knows she is not going to feel good, she does her mindful tricks and makes the decision to not let the brain circuitry furthur tromp along the path of painful thoughts. And somewhere in the interview I believe she talks about how when we keep thinking along the lines of pain (for me, it was the looping path of "I have been rejected... I have been replaced... poor, poor me"), we actually encourage this pathway to become entrenched in our mind. YIKES!... we are telling our brain wiring to keep following that pathway, keep firing along those circuits so we can take that direct route to feeling so darned horrid.

YIKES!... so this is how it works in the human brain. And we do not have to keep going down that pathway over and over. We can recognize it is simply the activation of certain neurons (I think it is neurons, but do not quote me on this, listen to the interview, or read the book). And we can actually stop our mind from travelling down these pathways. It is in our power. And we can not hurt so darned much.

Anyway, I highly recommend listening to this interview.. and reading the book "Stroke of Insight" too.

And, there are several other interviews on this Oprah channel (all free on iTunes), that have helped to snap me back to a place of optimisim, gratitude, and reality! I think getting to this place is a bit more of a challenge for those of us left for the OP... and with ex spouses who appear to be so very happy with OP. So, I hope some reading this will find some of the same relief I have found.

And it is still a journey for me. I sometimes travel down that pathway of pain and feeling great loss. Part of the healing journey.

For what it is worth, I was really, REALLY, in a sad and barely functional state for nearly a year... and only a bit better the year after. It truly was the most painful place of being I have ever experienced. So I invite anyone who is still looping with pain, to go listen to the various interviews with Oprah, and see if they too can find some insights and relief. If I can heal, so can you!

[This message edited by luv2swim at 5:26 PM, December 25th (Friday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married 24 years -
2 fantastic kids!

divorced 2009


D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married and still together (as far as I know).


Posts: 400 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Sad  Posted: 1:45 AM, December 31st (Thursday)

OMG ... I am so sad ... I also belong to this thread ...

I am in the JFO, general, law enforcement thread, divorce/seperation thread, LTA thread, oh yeah the my WH is a LEO thread ...

it just never seems to end ... I am actually afraid to do anymore surfing on the website for fear of how many more threads my WH's A is going to make me a member of unwillingly ... no body wants it duh ... but UGH !!!

WH and OW have been having a PA since summer of 07 the EA started he said around x-mas of 06 ...

the reason I moved out of state was because WH choose the OW ... they are still together and in love ..

I much more can I take ... I know the more forums I belong to the more support I get ect... but ugh I don't know ... it is also kinda overwhelming ...

Feels like everytime I find a new thread or forum I belong to it opens up a whole new can of worms and questions ... and makes me sad ...

but it also turns on some lights at the same time which is good ...

I am so


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
Star727
Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, December 31st (Thursday)

If my WH leaves our family to be with the OW, she is in for a financial headache and I will be relieved of one.

I make more money than he so I've had to kick in some of my money to pay for things he needs or has to take care of like his personal bills, car repairs, etc.

He doesnt have a bank account because child support froze his account a couple of years ago (previous child support case still ongoing and the "child" is now 30 years old!!!). So he deposits half his check in my account and I pay his bills.

She's going to have to do that. And, whenever he has car problems, she's going to have to pull out the credit card and pay for that too. He seldom has cash on hand - it was always me who paid for a lot of stuff. Now she's going to have to do that.

Playing around with him for years for dandy for him. She has absolutely no idea all the other work that is required to be a "couple" with him.

I'll never tell her. She has to find out for herself.

Its kind of funny.


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, January 2nd (Saturday)

(((BB)))

Sucks to be in this place

I am in the JFO, general, law enforcement thread, divorce/seperation thread, LTA thread, oh yeah the my WH is a LEO thread ...

When I first joined SI they didn't have the LEO thread. I didn't belong to LTA, I did belong to when your S works with the OP.Passive Agressive, etc.........It was really overwhelming for me so I focused on the one or two that helped me at that moment.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
scorpio1
Member
Member # 6445
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, January 2nd (Saturday)

I can tell you that it gets easier. My WH left two years ago to live in another state with the OW. Guess he didn't think he would miss the kids as much as he did. Or that they would have anger issues because of his move. Suffice to say, the kids didn't speak with him for five months.

Soon after his move, the OW starting seeing someone else and WH discovered how it feels to be cheated and having to spy to find out the truth. He eventually moved out and had to deal with Colon Cancer.

Meanwhile, I was left to raise three children on my own and dealing with depression. Evenutally, I started back to school full-time and recently graduated with an Associate's Degree. I am continuing on for my Bachelor's and should be finished in another year.

I have grown as an individual and have my own dreams now. I have proven to myself that I can raise three children, run a household and anything else that comes my way on my OWN.

He doesn't have a very good relationship with the kids as they don't respect him. He's dealing with a chronic disease that causes pain. Sucks to be him. My daughter recently told me that I should feel proud of myself because I accomplished so much without him.

He claims to have changed but none of us really see it. He still talks bad about me to the kids while I bite my tongue. But that just shows me I am on the right path without him and that he will never really change.

When he moved, I made the comment that sometimes when you lose, you win. And it's true. I lost a husband who was not really a husband and she won a person she discovered was not really worth all that hassle.

I suggest that you journal so that in another year you can look back and see how far you have come. Don't be afraid to go out there and live for yourself. Your WH made the choice to leave and there's nothing you can do to change that. Do for yourself and in years to come you will see that your WH will deeply regret the choices they made. But you won't care anymore.


If a situation requires a lie, you are standing on the wrong side of the issue.
Me-BS 41 years old
STBXWH-37 years old
3 kids D-18; S-15; D-5

Posts: 1891 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: South Florida
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 4:33 AM, January 14th (Thursday)

hello, this is my last stop on the how many threads do I belong to train ...

gee whiz already ... when he has an A he does an f-ing good job, and this is his first and only, I can only imagine if it had been more like some on the SI site ...

not that I am greatful for my stbxwh's 1 and only A, but it sure hit thread jackpot on this site ...

anyway I hope that came across as a little funny it was meant to not to hurt anyone in anyway ...

just stopping in to check on everyone and say hello, and goodnight and I will check in tomorrow ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
What?  Posted: 4:09 PM, January 21st (Thursday)

hey everyone ... hello newbies to this thread ... we have some really great members of this thread and they give amazing advice and support ...
been having a pretty good week since I last posted ... can't complain for once ...

Only thing that has come up is I got my w-2's yesterday and mailed them off to stbxwh today ... he is going to file taxes as married more $$$ ...

then after that he will be doing the D thing ... so I really don't have any emotion about that yet ... don't know if I am in shock, numb, or just don't care anymore ....

I have not broke the 180 again since the last time I think it was over a week ago that I did ...

so that is my update ... just waiting on the roller coaster to start again and praying that it does not ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 12:31 AM, January 24th (Sunday)

wow this thread is really quiet ... shhhhh ...

if you listen you can here my typing ... hahahaha

I hope you all are doing ok and life is just normal & boring and you are living your dreams ...

No surprises ... no roller coasters ... just pure simple quiet good life ...

booger bear land is quiet for now ... no weird rides on the roller coaster ... I am on a pretty good high point on the roller coaster ...

hope this high point will help equal out the next low one ... I feel good but kinda like there is an impending doom in my gut ...

UGH !!! I hate all this ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, January 25th (Monday)

Yeah, this thread will cycle up and down

That roller coaster can be trying at times, but if you can keep true to yourself you'll find, in time, that you get to be in control of it


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 8:27 PM, January 25th (Monday)

thnx SerJr ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, January 29th (Friday)

H left us for the OW only a few day/weeks after the stat of the A. (I think he met her in Oct, started affair in Nov, and left us 2 weeks later)

He came home for 3 weeks, and for the past month has been at her house. He has no idea that I know about the A. I have been talking to attorneys and getting evidence together before I tell him.

Has anyone been in my position and after you told him he came home? I would love to try to R, but with him at OWs house, LOL... yeah...


Posts: 1751 | Registered: Jan 2010
ooie32
Member
Member # 8072
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, January 29th (Friday)

ooie checking in. OW#8 he left us for.


moving forward to ardent hope...

Posts: 5867 | Registered: Aug 2005
OnTheMend
Member
Member # 4356
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, January 29th (Friday)

I belong to this group. WH left to be with OW in 2002, now married and happy as far as I can tell.

OTM - London


Posts: 1405 | Registered: May 2004 | From: London
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, January 29th (Friday)

Card carrying member here.

EX met OW in April (he was her boss), started affair in May, DDay July 4th and she was living in my house by October. They just got engaged over Christmas. I hope to get to the point that I no longer care what happens to him but it still bugs my ass a bit.


divorced!

Posts: 2940 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
DiagnosticSherd
Member
Member # 16562
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, January 29th (Friday)

My situation is a bit different:
On Dday #2 (12/1/2009) I told her she couldn't come home. I told her to stay with her father.
She called me a week later and said she "...didn't want to stay there" (with her dad), I knew her brothers had no room for her at their place, so moving in with her OP was the obvious next step.
I have no idea if this was ever part of their "plan" for their relationship but I doubt it.
So, yeah, I guess she kinda left me for her OP but only because:
1. I discovered their affair
2. I told her we were getting divorced and she couldn't come home.

No matter what or how it happened, it still kills me to know that 11 years of our lives together were just thrown out so she could move in with her boyfriend of, like, 3 months. It hurts, I hate it and now she's his problem but it still stinks.


Me: BH 36
Her: XW 33
Together 11 years, Married for 8 of it. 2 Kids
Dday #1: 10/8/07 Disgustingly False R
Dday #2 12/1/09
Divorce Finalized 12/29/2010.

Posts: 303 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Midwest
TimMe
Member
Member # 25220
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, January 30th (Saturday)

Some food for thought......

From "Receiving Love":

At one time or another, every one of these six people (3 couples in the case study)felt that they had chosen the wrong mate."If only I had waited longer before getting married, stayed single,only had one child, laid down the law from the beginning,married my high school sweetheart instead".Take your choice!Each of them thought things would be fine if only their spouse shaped up.

Choosing a "better" partner would not have spared them their struggles.We (the authors)know this because we know how to read the clues they've left behind in their stories. They don't know it, but their relationship problems are really maps that identify the places they themselves have been wounded (aka FOO isues here). Their relationship problems reveal elements of the "between" that are hidden but have tremendous power over how they form connections with each other.Those struggles that make them wish for another partner would have become part of "any" BETWEEN with "any" other partnerthey could have chosen.

It's amazing how often family history and dynamics come into play when trying to understand "why" relationships fail.Of course, when someone is broken, it's up to them to figure it out without running or blaming. The hard part is to realize that something is out of whack and to understand empathically ( both partners)are actually crying out for help in some way- not fully grasping "why" relationships can often become an impasse or simply stuck.

Human beings are obviously complex emotional creatures,but I assure everyone here that unless your former partner's issues are finally addressed, the repetitive cycle of their brokenness will continue on - no matter "who" it's with. Just the fact that you (and others) come here in an attempt to figure things out speaks volumes in contrast to those who would rather run from themselves.

And that in my opinion, should make you feel pretty good (eventually) about yourself.


What is moral is what you feel good after.

Ernest Hemingway


Posts: 253 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NH
reaching4light
New Member
Member # 27455
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, February 4th (Thursday)

My husband was not comming home at night a couple of times a week. I knew that he was seeing someone and told him he had to leave. He did so without a word of protest. So I feel that he did leave me for her. I don't want my daughter to think that this is what a relationship is supposed to be like.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: California
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, February 4th (Thursday)

Welcome here r4L,

I'm so sorry to hear that, but I am glad that you found us.

Right now I would focus on a few things:

1) Make sure you follow up with a lawyer - you and your daughter need to be protected.

2) Make sure you focus on yourself and your needs. Both you and your daughter will have grieving associated with this. The very best thing you can do for both of you is to frame this in the healthiest way possible. Demonstrate that you are a person of values, standards, and of boundaries.

Check out the Healing Library - in particular the 180 will be of interest as a way to rebuild yourself independently by first detaching from the insanity. Make sure you take good care of yourself.

Post and read as often as you need to. You'll find yourself in good company here.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
TimMe
Member
Member # 25220
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, February 4th (Thursday)

SerJr:

I understand that you are one of the respected veterans. I've read many of your posts and they are empathically written.

This is my second experience with infidelity- two different people.

When I first encountered the awful experience of infidelity with my XWW, I eventually got to the point (seemingly like yourself) where I thought it was more beneficial to think outside of myself(even though I was still hurting) and attempt to offer comfort to others who were going through this nightmare.

I found this site following the second betrayal- yes, it has been a life saver to me, yet when I've reached out it seemed that "my" situation" wasn't a priority- perhaps it wasn't the right thread title?

Inasmuch as I've tried to maintain that emapathic gesture of reaching out, the fact remains that I've struggled with this second betrayal.Your postings have given me "logical" explanations as to to human behavior, yet at times, I've wished there was a shoulder to cry on.........someone that would just tell me it would be Ok.

I don't post here consistently, but I do read religiously.

Why do I feel like I'm not one of the regulars who warrant that shoulder?


What is moral is what you feel good after.

Ernest Hemingway


Posts: 253 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NH
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, February 4th (Thursday)

Tim...

Do you perhaps feel that your situation isn't a priority or that you deserve the shoulder?

As you mentioned, this is your 2nd bout with infidelity. From your post, it sounds like you did do fairly well with dealing with the first one only to be hit with the devastation all over...

Sometimes, when we give it our all, slug it out, and triumph over adversity it can be incredibly humbling to have to face it again...

Shouldn't I have known better?
How could I have ended up here again?
What's wrong with me that this happened to me again?

I wonder if, on some level, you may be experiencing this internal battle?

If you read here religiously then you already know the answers to those. Sometimes though, it's the question that eludes us. You need both for the puzzle pieces to fit.

Please post as often as you can. The more you post, even if seemingly insignificant, the more you can get out of the site as you'll be leveraging the experiences and insights here.

I can't lie to you and tell you that you're not going to struggle through this. It's a hell of a battle, no matter how many times you have been through it.

It's plain fucking scary.

But, no matter how many fears you face, no matter how mercilessly they assault you... there is one thing in this world more powerful than them....

You.

Keep faith in yourself and it will be okay.

That's a promise that you can make to yourself.

[This message edited by SerJR at 8:19 PM, February 4th (Thursday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
TimMe
Member
Member # 25220
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, February 4th (Thursday)

Serjr:
Thank you for your eternal wisdom. There's no question that you haven't suffered yourself, yet I celebrate your new found love. I have always been true to myself- that being a strong foundation between right and wrong.There will always be people who challenge that.

Yes. I'm frustrated when I hold those virtues. I get frustrated when someone rejects kindness. I guess what I need is someone to dispel that thinking.


What is moral is what you feel good after.

Ernest Hemingway


Posts: 253 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NH
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, February 7th (Sunday)

ok have not posted here in awhile ... which is good I guess ...

But tonight after the super bowl was over and I was watching Drew Brees with his son ... and he was crying and then he teared up again when he mentioned him in his speech ...

triggered me onto the roller coaster again ... just WHAM out of the blue and there I was falling into sadness ...

that is all I ever wanted in my life was what was shining in Brees's eyes holding his son ... guess I hopes for wanted to much in my life ....

now I feel like I have to settle for school ... which I am excited for and a little nervous now ... I start in a week ...

but I all ever wanted was to be a mommy and have a man who loved me and my children ... just the simple things ... and seeing him with his son hearing him talk about him with pride and love in his voice ...

just brought it all crashing down that that shall never be for me ... It also hurts so badlt becausse the OW he left me for has 2 small boys of her own from her now broken M ... they are 4 & 6 ... so he has a ready made family ... *sigh*

and it hurts so badly ...

So last week on Thursday I believe stbx called me to talk about taxes and this was during the storm when we had no power for a week ... anyway he caught me off gaurd calling me and I wound up sobbing on the phone when we hung up ...

not what I wanted to do was to have him hear me like that anymore ... UGH !!!!

anyway he called me yesterday morning also to get my new address so he could ssend me my 1/2 and I did not cry that time ...

both conversations were very short and to the point no chit chat ... both calls were less than 10 minutes ... kept strictly to $$$ and dogs ... so that was good ...

anyway just an update on where I am at ...

hope you all are doing well and may you all find the peace and balance your lives deserve ....

have a great Monday !!!!

and YAY SAINTS !!!!!

just thought I would put all the faces at the end this time ... I don't know why ... to be different ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, February 8th (Monday)

I know how hard it can be to see those happy families reminding us of what we were supposed to have (but "what we were supposed to have" and "what we lost" are often two different things, no?).
Understand though, that your son is blessed to have such a strong, stable, and capable mother even in the face of such adversity. The very best thing you can do for him is to frame this in the healthiest way possible and refuse to become a victim by empowering yourself to rise above the adversity.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 7:13 PM, February 8th (Monday)

serjr I am not really sure if your response was to me or not ???

but if it was we do not have any children ... sorry if it came across in my post that we do ...

I lost my only baby at 12wks in 9-03 ... I was just commenting on the was Drew Brees was with his son and how it feels like with this A and D that all that has been taken away from me ...

all I ever wanted in my life was for a man to feel that deeply about our children and me ... to be that touched that in love to have it show on national tv ...

what a truly wonderful man and father ... just feels like all that is gone and so far out of reach ... completely gone from my future ... and I know I have no idea what the future holds ... but I just don't see that level of happiness anywhere in my future ...

KWIM ???


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, February 8th (Monday)

I'm sorry boo-bear - I misread your post and I noticed in now in your tagline (they don't display when you're typing a post).

I do know exactly what you mean though. Just because things didn't work out with your H doesn't mean that you have to change your dreams... you just have to adjust the details


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 8:23 PM, February 8th (Monday)

is ok serjr ...

and I am moving the direction of changing my dreams and future ... just scary the big unknown ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
SpiritofLife
Member
Member # 25264
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, February 10th (Wednesday)

Count me in here.
It is so hard to see my ex ws so happy (or supposedly so happy). We were divorced Dec. 15th due to adultery. Where we live (VA), you need to be separated for 1 yr if you have children, unless you are divorced due to adultery or abandonment. He was so desperate to divorce me he was fine with adultery and gave me sole custody (and his lawyer advised him against it). He was engaged to OW on Dec. 25th and they married Jan. 23. They have a blog where they write about their happy life and it completely drives me crazy. I guess I shouldn't look at the blog, but somehow I can't stop looking. I am glad he is gone, there is less stress in my life in many ways and I am having fun with my son, but I am still very angry. I want to move on, but feel like I'm stuck. I've been reading here a ton and finally decided to start posting.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Virginia
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 9:53 PM, February 19th (Friday)

hey all ... soooo school started for me on Tuesday ...

Just all orenitation stuff real school starts this Monday ...

I posted in O/T about my new study nest and I posted in D/S about finally hiring a lawyer ... very scary

anyway no knew news ... they are still together

stbxwh has applied to become a parole officer ... he is done with school for that ... he is going to wait till a position opens up in our home town so he can stay near and with OW

well that is all ...

hugs and all great things to ya'll


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, February 20th (Saturday)

SpiritofLife - the best thing you can do for yourself is to step out of the crazy and put your focus on yourself. It's hard not to sit and wonder what your ex is up to, but you may as well sit in a rocking chair - it'll give you something to do, but you won't get anywhere. Check out the Healing Library and look for the 180 - it's a mechanism for you to start rebuilding yourself independently so that you can move forward to a healthier, more balanced future.

Booger - sounds like you're well on your way!


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
takinit
Member
Member # 27150
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday)

OP is STILL married. Hilarious.
Yet they still love each other. I'm just glad I'm not in that mess. I'm taking a seat and watching the entertainment in all of this. Its a comedy. And not a Shakespearean comedy either. More like a badly written cable comedy.


That was the past, this is Act II.

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: ND
helies
Member
Member # 27866
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, March 7th (Sunday)

I would like to hear from any BS if they are still in contact with WS, how successful was that relationship? Did the former OP have any trust issues knowing the WS cheated and lied to the former BS?

[This message edited by helies at 6:04 PM, March 7th (Sunday)]


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2010
invictus
Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, March 7th (Sunday)

It's like watching someone else's life in a really bad movie. Some of the stuff that happens is unbelievably stupid and some is sad... and some is just a relief.

WS left and moved in with OW less than 3 months after D-Day. By that time I had made my mind up that if he wasn't going to put forth any effort at reconciliation I was done anyway, and his move just triggered the avalanche.

Less than 9 months after D Day we were divorced and 10 months later I moved out of state.

It's been a learning process - I found out my family is here for me no matter what, and my kids really DO hold the values we (I) taught them as the standard, not the exception. They consider their father's behavior an unacceptable exception to the concepts of love, fidelity, trust and honor.

I'm no longer sure that even if he had tried to make amends there was too much damage to endure. It was literally a lifetime of deceit, my children's lifetime... and it would be nearly impossible to respect anyone who indulged himself and forsook his family ever again.

When they leave, it hurts. But it's also a relief. It's like a wave, and it hurts when it is crashing down, but a relief when you learn to ride the wave.

Somebody said, "This too, shall pass..."

They're right. It takes time. It is taking time.


♥ BW m. 31 years - Divorced in 2009. Living in tiny low income apartment, struggling; no car. Not able to make ends meet. Anybody have a spare miracle?

Posts: 1882 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
diditagn
Member
Member # 3433
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, March 7th (Sunday)

how successful was that relationship? Did the former OP have any trust issues knowing the WS cheated and lied to the former BS?

Sorry to say, they are still together 5 yrs later. I did hear ow is seeing someone on the side, I don't know if she has trust issues or not, but my ex? He doesn't...he thinks no one would ever cheat on him.

I do know that she is very insecure about me...don't know why, but he isn't "allowed" to talk to me, unless she is there. He talks via his work phone, cause she checks his cell phone.


Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.

Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: WI
helies
Member
Member # 27866
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, March 7th (Sunday)

Sorry to say, they are still together 5 yrs later. I did hear ow is seeing someone on the side, I don't know if she has trust issues or not, but my ex? He doesn't...he thinks no one would ever cheat on him.

I do know that she is very insecure about me...don't know why, but he isn't "allowed" to talk to me, unless she is there. He talks via his work phone, cause she checks his cell phone.

I posted more on the general board about my situation, but I was the OP in the BS eyes. In reality, I was told by the WS he was separating. We stopped dating though. Recently, we started dating again, and I found out he lied about the separation to me. It really was a fight between them, he left for a night then went home to get his ducks in a row. They are getting a divorce now though and we have been dating. I just don't know I do this? I feel like a BS already. He lied to me then. Do I continue this relationship as a "BS" and insist on full transparency? Is it healthy to begin a new relationship with doubts on whether you can trust your partner?


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2010
diditagn
Member
Member # 3433
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, March 7th (Sunday)

With all due respect helies, I can't understand why you'd come to an infidelity board in your situation. I just don't understand it. I'm thinking you might want to post on the wayward side.

You are the op.

To answer your question though....go with your gut. Generally speaking if your relationship starts as a lie, chances are it will have the same ending.

Divorce records are public, you can contact the county that he lives in. But if you are already questioning the base of your relationship.....it's going to be a pretty hard start.

My ex told every ow, what he knew they wanted to hear. Why would he move back to "get his ducks in a row" Why couldn't he just have courage and say it's over?

I'd check with one of the mods about where you should post...you aren't a bs or a betrayed SO, you are an OP.

And yes I do believe that some probably about 70% of op were originally lied to.


Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.

Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: WI
helies
Member
Member # 27866
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, March 7th (Sunday)

With all due respect helies, I can't understand why you'd come to an infidelity board in your situation. I just don't understand it. I'm thinking you might want to post on the wayward side.

You are the op.

I guess I never felt like an OP, because I was led to believe I was starting a relationship with a separated/on his to divorced man. I only found out the truth when we started dating again and he told me the divorce is in the works and I questioned him about everything. I came here because he did lie to me about his real marital status when we met and now I don't know how to have a relationship with someone that has come clean. I thoght I could find some guidance on how to do this from someone that is honestly trying to work on their marriage/relationship after finding out the truth. If the Mods feel this belongs in another thread, I have no problem with that. I am just not here as an OP as I never knew I was in that situation until now.


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2010
helies
Member
Member # 27866
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, March 7th (Sunday)

My ex told every ow, what he knew they wanted to hear. Why would he move back to "get his ducks in a row" Why couldn't he just have courage and say it's over?

He needed to get his finances/living arrangements together. Remember, this is what he is telling me now. I do know the divorce is actually happening this time though, I have seen correspondence.


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2010
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, March 7th (Sunday)

Helies, it does sound like you were lied to when you originally started that relationship. At the same time, this man was cheating on, and lying to his wife. You're the only one who can decide whether you can live with that in your current relationship. So ask yourself, do you really want to spend the entire relationship checking up on this guy, and policing him, to make sure he's not cheating?


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12457 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
helies
Member
Member # 27866
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, March 7th (Sunday)

Helies, it does sound like you were lied to when you originally started that relationship. At the same time, this man was cheating on, and lying to his wife. You're the only one who can decide whether you can live with that in your current relationship. So ask yourself, do you really want to spend the entire relationship checking up on this guy, and policing him, to make sure he's not cheating?

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

That is where I am confused. It sounds horrible. I thought I could get insight from a BS on how to move on, how to trust again. I love him, and I don't want to just throw this away so hastily.

ps...your signature is one of my favorite quotes!!


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2010
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, March 8th (Monday)

Helies, I'm glad you like my quote. It has special significance to me, and is a big part of my new beginning.

Now I'm going to be a little blunt here. I have moved on, and can trust again. But I will never trust my stbxwh again. He has proven himself to be a liar. I was astonished to find out just how much of a liar. And that's just the lies he told me. I have absolutely no idea what he was telling his OW, and that would be multiple OW btw.

Based on my experiences, I want to tell you to run as fast as you can, away from this man. But you haven't had my experiences, and I don't know what your relationship is really like.

So, the basic advice given here at SI is "actions speak louder than words" and "trust your gut."

What this guy does is more important than what he says. At this point, he's already shown that his words don't mean much. So watch what he does. Is he open and transparent? Does he offer information, or does he make you ask questions to get the answers?

Sometimes it is very hard to hear what your gut is telling you, because so much other noise is being thrown at you. Try to separate the other noise out, and really hear what your gut is trying to tell you.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12457 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
helies
Member
Member # 27866
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, March 8th (Monday)

Inconnu, thank you for your advice. I have a lot of thinking to do (not that I already haven't been!) The toughest part is knowing he lied to me about our first relationship experience. It was long distance and that is why I cut it off originally. I believed him when he said they were separated and getting a divorce already. But on the flip side, at least this time I know he is telling me the truth about the divorce, and he waited until then to contact me again.

Knowing he lied about that just puts doubts in my head and and it breaking my heart...


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2010
honesttoafault
Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, March 8th (Monday)

I guess I belong in this thread too, now. I didn't know if I should post this in JFO or not....
About 8 months of TT and I decided to kick him off the fence and I said choose me or her, and he says neither. But he won't "divorce/leave" her because of the kids. Then he admits because of her too.
He says I can either choose to stay with him and accept it or divorce him.
So he goes back to his country for another 1-2 months.
BTW we are legally married in the US for 17 years and have 2 sons, he "married" her in his country about 9 years ago and has 3 kids with her. I just found out in June. He told me all the time he "divorced" her, but my gut said no.

Anyway, he seemed so happy when he left. Didn't tell sons when he would be back. I'm seeing a lawyer on Wed.

I just feel so tired, used, violated (OW was in my house overseas...using my things, etc. Thier daughter is the same name as our daughter who died)
Why do I still love this man? Why can't I let go? This false R was killing me inside. Now, I know it's over. It has opened an old wound because first xWH left for the OW (it didn't last) and never looked back, although he was good about child support for our sons.

This current WH.....I don't trust at all. For anything.

Sorry for the rant. My emotions feel so raw. I am seeing an IC and taking AD's, but the pain is so intense and it seems so hard to move beyond this.


Posts: 2156 | Registered: Jan 2010
bluelilypie913
New Member
Member # 27819
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, March 16th (Tuesday)

I've been lurking on this site for a while, but now it's time for me to join in.

Life just sucks when you see them happy. I torture myself by looking at pictures, reading blogs, and hearing about them through friends and family. I truly can't wait for the day when I can smile and truly mean it.

My heart goes out to everyone else on this thread who has experienced this same situation.


Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2010
kidshurttoo
Member
Member # 26853
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, March 29th (Monday)

I guess I fit into this topic. WS announced 8 mos ago that he was having A and was leaving me. Of course told DD and I, it had nothing to do with OW, yet he got in the car and drove to her house. Of course DD didn't buy it. Of course I felt blindsided, had no idea, this was happening. He kept saying to DD and I, that the marriage was over a long time ago and that OW was a great person and that DD would like her. I was shocked he was saying this stuff. Of course it polar opposite comments. Of course he was leaving for OW. The next day, we talk and I say if he wants to try to R, he needs to leave her immediately. He did and sat on the fence for the next two weeks. We then tried R for three weeks, things were going well but he then announced that his heart was broken and he needed to go and be with her. That he loved me but was not in love with me. DD and I have not seen him since that day. All communication has been through email. DD refused to talk/see him until he is on his own and gets healthy. He refuses, he says DD selfish and he deserves this relationship because he did everything for me, DD and my mom. What a joke, I did everything for him as well. He gave excuses like that we put DD on pedestal and he didn't have enough time for himself or our marriage. So I guess he has solved that problem by being with OW full-time. He doesn't have to do soccer practices, dinner on table, homework. It's all about THEM. OW is 10 years younger, single and of a different culture, which he told a friend of ours, is a total big thrill. He has given up trying to communicate with DD, his priority is OW. Still in shock but starting to accept that he is NOT coming out of fog anytime soon. He has been living with OW for at least 3-4 months, but he would like everyone to think that he isn't. I think he does care what people think, so he is telling people we "separated" not the truth. Helps for me to take the fall. DD knows the truth and she isn't buying any of his lies. Really sad, he "was" a great father, husband, then he met OW and everything fell apart.

Posts: 314 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Canada
honesttoafault
Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, March 30th (Tuesday)

My father who left my mother and me said the same thing about me being selfish because I didn't want to accept the OW. That he deserved to be happy.

To make a long story extremely short, at my wedding, he brought OW against my wishes and when me, my father and mother were arguing about it, I said, "Let the child have his way." My father got this smile like a little kid who did get what he wanted. This extremely happy, selfish smile.

Fast forward 35 years. My second marriage. stbxWH tells me he won't leave OW. I tell him he's free. As he's leaving the house to go back overseas to his business (and her) HE HAD THE SAME SMILE AS MY FATHER ON HIS FACE!!!!!!

As for you DD, I hope that your WH will wake up and start contacting her again. I did finally make up with my father, but I guess as you can see, the hurt will always be there.

Why are they so selfish?


Posts: 2156 | Registered: Jan 2010
riverflow
Member
Member # 28151
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)

I didn't find out about his OP until he's already left; he's never acknowledged having an A or even the existence of this woman never mind what their relationship may or may not be. Phone records speak otherwise... she may be 1000 miles away but she's been in his life, on his mind and in his heart for quite a long time, and now he's free to enjoy her


Divorced 1/20/11


Posts: 548 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Connecticut
jasper
Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)

Oh wow. Just found this thread. I'm sorry we're all here. My WW has left me for her OM (although she seems to feel I forced this by making her leave when she refused to end the A). I'm moving forward with D and we're figuring out how to tell DD. It is so devastating. I want no happiness for them. I feel certain that their dirty relationship will end in flames. I just can't believe that she would do this to me. She wants forgiveness, but doesn't want me back. I can't imagine doing this to her.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 3:16 AM, April 25th (Sunday)

quick update ...

and I see we have a couple new members ... welcome and so sad you all are here ... but welcome we are quite the lively group here in ICR ...

well I watched the show with stbx in it ... and it was good ... natgeo did a great job on the show ... even tho they kinda just showed one side of the prison system perspective ...
and stbx was all over the show ... however only 1-2 scenes were with his face ... the rest were him dressed out in riot gear going in to get an unruly inmate ...

doesn't matter I knew who he was ...

and I did not trigger like I thought I would ... and I have it saved on my DVR ... and have only watched it once ... the night it aired ... thought I would be watching it everyday ... but I don't ...

so that is it ... things are still moving along ... the meadiation is set for May 13th ... I will appear by phone/fax ... last time I talked to stbx he asked if I would be coming to CO for the meadiation ??? and where I would be staying if I was ???

WTF ??? no I told him I will be by phone ...

no other news school is good and I am almost done with the first trimester ... 2nd one starts May 3rd ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
Dianas86
New Member
Member # 28432
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, May 4th (Tuesday)

This is me all the way
He abandoned my daughter and me for a old high school ex how immature. He gave up a long relationship and a beautiful family for what?
I hope Karma works! I'm so angry I'm glad I don't own a gun
I found out 2 days ago since then stopped all contact. Feel so disrespected, betrayed, so low self esteem (I had really great self esteem to start with)
I feel like he cheated on me because of the fact that being with me he felt like he had no freedom due to the fact of having a 4 year old. He's pretty young to begin with (26) but still I thought he was so mature. Over his partying phase just a family man. Now al he does is go out clubbing while I'm at home taking care of everything.


Together 7 years
DDay-May 2, 2010 : (
Beautiful 4 year old daughter
cheated on me w/ an ex from high school

Posts: 14 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Orlando, FL
BillieJean
Member
Member # 28635
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, June 4th (Friday)

HI

I found out about my H's EA on March 26th of this year. He had been very distant and cold for about a month, which was very unlike him...he was always a very loving and affectionate husband.

he moved out that day but told me that he still loved me and didn't want a divorce. I told him not to talk to MOW anymore because he needed to think about his family(we have a beautiful baby boy,2). Weel they spoke on 18 different occasions in a 24 hour period and when I spoke to him again he said he wanted a divorce and had not loved me in years. He said that they had a very passionate and emotional relationship and that she was going to leave her H and be with him. I asked him to tell me about this woman that he 'loved' so much that he would throw away his family for. He didn't know how old she was or if she had children(she has 2).

We haven't talked about "us" in 6 weeks. He has not even contacted an attorney and is currently living in the attic of a friends house, I suppose he is waiting on her to leave her husband. He has pics of her plastered on his wall but none of his son.

I had no idea things were bad, We had problems like finances and stress from work but we never went to bed angry and I thought we had something special. I asked him to go to counseling but he refuses saying that it wouldn't help. I told him that "he didn't know that and what would trying hurt...this is our family we have to fight for it." He rolled his eyes and walked out, leaving me crying on the floor. Who is this person?

Do WS who leave ever regret it? She probably won't leave her H but even if she does ,the things he is running from in our relationship( stress finances,responsibility etc...) will still be there with someone else only it will be so much worse because for 1: NO ONE will take care of him or love him like I have and 2: he knows nothing significant about her other than how little commitment means to her...

If a WS leaves as soon as the A is discovered does that lower the chances of R. I see alot of times where someone is caught but they want to try and save the marriage. I know that they might be "cake-eating".

Do WS who leave for OP ever want to come back when they realize what they have lost?
I just want the chance to save my family...

[This message edited by BillieJean at 12:08 AM, June 4th (Friday)]


ME-BW:32__HIM-xWH:31__DS:5
TOGETHER-10 MARRIED-5
D-DAY: 3/26/2010
I FILED D 9/17/2010
D FINAL 2/3/2011
"Is there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs"-Miss Piggy

Posts: 447 | Registered: May 2010 | From: MIDDLE TN
MoreBluetiful
New Member
Member # 28714
Default  Posted: 2:59 AM, June 5th (Saturday)

My STBXH and I got married on June 13, 2009, and by August I started finding texts between him and an ex-coworker that made me uncomfortable. We talked about it and he said he hadn't meant them that way, and he seemed to stop talking to her so much. By December they had started talking more than I was comfortable with again, via text messages. I finally sucked it up (since he kept telling me I would be crazy and controlling to tell him he can't talk to this girl) and told him I just can't deal with him having contact with her. He was very angry with me and put up a huge fight, but finally agreed. And I thought he had stopped. Until I caught him texting her and ended up checking the phone bill at the end of January. Over 2000 texts in that 4-5 week period. He had just been deleting them from his phone so I wouldn't see them. I was devastated, and he, of course, didn't apologize without making me feel horrible and controlling about telling him who he can and can't be friends with. He finally apologized in the middle of Feb and I really thought he meant it.

Our first year of marriage was hard, he was working part time and going to grad school full time, and I am a nurse and work night shift. Between his job, school, studying and my job, we rarely had time together. And he just seemed distant. If I asked about it I was "complaining" and he always said he was just stressed out.

On May 12 we got into an argument and he busted out with how he doesn't love me, doesn't want to go to counseling and wants a divorce. I was devastated because although we had a tough year, we had been planning on starting counseling as soon as he graduated. I had never heard him say anything like this before.

Two days later I found his new e-mail address and all of the conversations between him and this same girl. It started to make more sense, but I am devastated. I asked him if he wanted to work it out, and he said no because he doesn't love me and never has. We have been together 6 years, married for 11 months. He told me that when he married me he was settling, but now he knows he can do better. He has shown no remorse, blames me for EVERYTHING (even says I made him marry me), and has no interest in R. Our anniversary would be next weekend. We had a trip planned, and the top layer of our wedding cake is still in my freezer. I feel like I am the only one whose H left her for the OW in an EA.

People keep telling me I'm lucky that I found out so early, but I just don't see it that way. I feel embarrassed that my marriage failed so soon (I mean, this A started at most 2 months into the marriage).


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Indianapolis, IN
hurtinky
Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, June 5th (Saturday)

I don't think my H necessarily left *for* his AP, although, when he did leave, I think his first thought was, "Perhaps she will leave now too." From what I can tell, that didn't happen.

But, people who have experienced their WS leaving for the AP understand what I went through more than others. Although, I do feel that I have been spared some pain by the fact that they are not together openly.

I had suspected that my H was having an affair for some months. Friends tell me that I was expressing concern up to a year before it all imploded. I had been through this previously, in 1988-89, so I knew the signs, I knew what the gut feeling felt like. Although, he learned from that early affair. He knew that when I started expressing concern, to be sweet and reassuring, and not angry and mean, like he was back then. In 1988, when I would share that I felt uncomfortable about something (a 3 hour trip to the store to get milk?...$300.00 missing from the checking account?...) he would yell and scream at me...I was "accusing" him of things he would never do...I was a crazy bitch...etc...you all know the drill. This time, he kept my knowledge of the truth at bay by a very different tactic...the sweet and nice response. "Oh Sweetie, I wouldn't do that to you again. I love you Sweetie. I'm sorry Sweetie that you are worried. You don't have anything to worry about. It is just work Sweetie."

He had me thinking that I was crazy. I felt GUILTY that I was thinking he was having an affair. I was getting ready to arrange therapy for myself, to help me get over these feelings.

HA!!!!

One day I woke up and I just knew something was wrong. After talking to my oldest son, I decided to sit my H down and tell him that I couldn't be talked out of my concerns, and that if I was, in fact, wrong, he would need to prove it (cell phone bills, access to computer). I knew I would approach this lovingly and in the most therapeutic way possible. My goal was twofold...get him to be honest, but to allow him to be honest while knowing that I was willing to forgive him and stay with him.

A few seconds before I asked him to sit down so I could talk to him, he kissed me on the top of my head, told me he loved me, that he was proud of me (I was in school at the time and working my butt off studying), and he told me that he'd missed me over the weekend (he'd gone rafting). In the next few seconds, after I told him to sit down and I started out with, "I love you so much and I can't think of anything that you would do that I wouldn't forgive you for, but I need you to be honest with me, and I deserve that." And WHAM, it was over.

He told me that he "couldn't do that" meaning he couldn't be honest with me about my concerns.

And then he told me that he'd not been happy for most of our two decade marriage. Really. Amazing. Maybe it is just me, but I cannot fathom sticking around for 20 miserable years when options existed. I couldn't do it. I could have been miserable with him for about 30 minutes before I would be compelled to SAY SOMETHING about it. Who is miserable for almost 20 years and not only doesn't utter a single syllable expressing concern, but ACTS HAPPY, SATISFIED, AND COMMITTED????


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
hurtinky
Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, June 5th (Saturday)

I don't think my H necessarily left *for* his AP, although, when he did leave, I think his first thought was, "Perhaps she will leave now too." From what I can tell, that didn't happen.

But, people who have experienced their WS leaving for the AP understand what I went through more than others. Although, I do feel that I have been spared some pain by the fact that they are not together openly.

I had suspected that my H was having an affair for some months. Friends tell me that I was expressing concern up to a year before it all imploded. I had been through this previously, in 1988-89, so I knew the signs, I knew what the gut feeling felt like. Although, he learned from that early affair. He knew that when I started expressing concern, to be sweet and reassuring, and not angry and mean, like he was back then. In 1988, when I would share that I felt uncomfortable about something (a 3 hour trip to the store to get milk?...$300.00 missing from the checking account?...) he would yell and scream at me...I was "accusing" him of things he would never do...I was a crazy bitch...etc...you all know the drill. This time, he kept my knowledge of the truth at bay by a very different tactic...the sweet and nice response. "Oh Sweetie, I wouldn't do that to you again. I love you Sweetie. I'm sorry Sweetie that you are worried. You don't have anything to worry about. It is just work Sweetie."

He had me thinking that I was crazy. I felt GUILTY that I was thinking he was having an affair. I was getting ready to arrange therapy for myself, to help me get over these feelings.

HA!!!!

One day I woke up and I just knew something was wrong. After talking to my oldest son, I decided to sit my H down and tell him that I couldn't be talked out of my concerns, and that if I was, in fact, wrong, he would need to prove it (cell phone bills, access to computer). I knew I would approach this lovingly and in the most therapeutic way possible. My goal was twofold...get him to be honest, but to allow him to be honest while knowing that I was willing to forgive him and stay with him.

A few seconds before I asked him to sit down so I could talk to him, he kissed me on the top of my head, told me he loved me, that he was proud of me (I was in school at the time and working my butt off studying), and he told me that he'd missed me over the weekend (he'd gone rafting). In the next few seconds, after I told him to sit down and I started out with, "I love you so much and I can't think of anything that you would do that I wouldn't forgive you for, but I need you to be honest with me, and I deserve that." And WHAM, it was over.

He told me that he "couldn't do that" meaning he couldn't be honest with me about my concerns.

And then he told me that he'd not been happy for most of our two decade marriage. Really. Amazing. Maybe it is just me, but I cannot fathom sticking around for 20 miserable years when options existed. I couldn't do it. I could have been miserable with him for about 30 minutes before I would be compelled to SAY SOMETHING about it. Who is miserable for almost 20 years and not only doesn't utter a single syllable expressing concern, but ACTS HAPPY, SATISFIED, AND COMMITTED???? According to my H, him. He was miserable for 20 years, but he acted like the most loving, devoted husband ever.

When I told my daughter, who he raised and who loved him like he was her biological father, what he said (that he'd been miserable for most of our marriage), she said, "Mom, tell me he DID NOT say that?" Our children want nothing to do with him because of the horrific nature of his lies.

Long story short, I had no real proof of the affair the day I confronted him, just my gut feeling. For the next day, I think he thought he might get past it all, as long as I had no proof. But, the next day, I went through his desk at home and I found two things that proved he was lying to me. I called him on the phone to tell him about what I found. All he said was, "I'm leaving tonight."
And he did.

That night he left a voice mail for me telling me not to panic, that he wanted me to stay in school, and that this wasn't about me, it was about him, and that I deserved not to worry about "things." He sounded very depressed, almost suicidal.

Soon though, he was telling mutual friends and his family (anyone who was likely to want to believe him) a horrific re-write of our marital history. He said that there were two marriages...the one people saw on the outside, and the real one behind closed doors. And that he was practically an abused husband. (This is why the kids won't have anything to do with him now.) It was UNREAL. Everyone that knows the truth knows that I loved him like my life depended on it and IT SHOWED, behind closed doors included.

A few days after he left, I asked in an email if he would be willing to go see a therapist with me, and his response was that he wanted to wait a few months to address whether or not he would. I assumed he was waiting to see if his AP, who was/is married, would leave her H. (She didn't.)

I was so put off by his offer to make me a POSSIBLE Plan B, that I told him I had no interest in waiting two months to see if he MIGHT want to go to therapy. The thought makes me sick.

Friends came to me and said that he was willing to "date me" to see if there was anything to be salvaged. I declined that charitable offer too, LMAO. I don't know, perhaps it is just me, but I never wanted to do a tap dance show to try to win someone over, ESPECIALLY, a man who had already committed to me. I told them, "I don't date my husband like I am a perfect stranger." I don't regret that attitude. I will not be humiliated like that. There was nothing about me that required him to "date" me. He knows who I am, what I am. His crappy offers were rooted in his sh*t, his personal issues. Not my problem.

Well, long story stayed long.

Eighteen months into this mess, he filed for divorce. We only communicate by email. He kept his word to make sure I suffered no financial or physical hardship. I finished my degree, started my new career (RN), continued to live in our home without any complications. The day after he emailed me to tell me he had filed ("There's no easy way to tell you this..."), he emailed me to ask if I would forgive him and let him come home. I just about sh*t my britches. And as much as I wanted to scream "YES" from the top of the roof, to fire up the band and welcome him home, I said no, that he couldn't just waltz home like nothing odd happened. I set some very understandable boundaries...IC and MC, he had to live on his own (he went home to Mommy) while we went through counseling, he would have to tell the people he'd lied to that he had lied, and tell them the truth (that he'd had two affairs during our marriage and that I was a good wife), etc. My therapist said that I'd set some amazingly well thought out and appropriate boundaries.

He responded that I was crazy, and that was that. No more talk about R.

But, no divorce yet. We just live our separate lives. No contact except by email about "details."

I sold our home and built a new one. He gave me his half of the equity to put towards my new home. I appreciate his contiued concern about the quality of my life. I know of no man, who has abandoned his wife, who has done as much as my H to make sure his BS is "ok".

I have no contact with him. He moved a couple of hours away. I sold our home and bought my own. He gave me everything else and paid off all of our marital debt. I'm sure he's built a new life, probably has a girlfriend and everything. I have my life too, but I would never trust another man if my life depended on it. I work, I spend time with our kids and grandkids, I enjoy my beautiful new home. That's it for me. His divorce action was cancelled years ago, because he never followed through on it (I refused his intial settlement, the standard 50-50 split and he never counter offered and eventually, we settled everything anyways...he gave me everything, LOL, and he paid everything..) I plan to file in a few months.

The funny thing is, almost five years later, I STILL cannot believe he did this to me. He was *that* good...he really had me convinced that he was the best husband in the world, who would be by my side forever. (And he probably would have, if I'd just let him do what he did and not pressed him for fidelity...)

Sorry so long....

[This message edited by hurtinky at 9:55 PM, June 5th (Saturday)]


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
MoreBluetiful
New Member
Member # 28714
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, June 6th (Sunday)

Does anyone who has been through this have any suggestions on books that are helpful? I started looking up some titles, but it seems most of them are about how to make the MARRIAGE survive after infidelity...And I'm afraid it will not help because my WH had no interest in R. Thanks!

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Indianapolis, IN
budapest
Member
Member # 14315
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, June 6th (Sunday)

Just found out that my XH and OW have broken up after three and a half years together. Now he is being all nice. You know what is crazy? Even though I an happily remarried and truly don't want anything to do with him, other than regarding our daughter, it still makes me glad they broke up. It also brought back all the old anger and feelings of worthlessness that I thought I were long over.

What the heck is with that? Do we ever really recover?


Me BW (42)
DD 8
Divorced
Now married to a wonderful man!

Posts: 383 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Portland
hopingwaiting
Member
Member # 23575
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, June 7th (Monday)

wow- didn't know this thread existed! I just have a question.....why is it taking my WH so long to file for D?

I was thinking he was going to end his A and was just going through some early mid life crisis. But guess this one didn't end at 6 months. Oh I am sure it won't last forever but maybe it will be another year? Who knows!

He told me he was going to go through with "the paperwork" (won't say divorce) about 5 times since we separated. I finally stopped protesting on the 5th time.

I will file in a month if he doesn't. I just wanted him to take responsibility and file since he was the one who wanted to leave, you know?

So anyone else's H take forever to file for D even though they kept saying they were going to???? arghhh!


BW (Me)-34,
our 1st baby born 7/6/09
WH-34
EA turned PA 8/08-present
D-Day#1 (1/1/09) false R,
D-Day #2 (3/17/09)said he couldn't stop contacting her; told him to move out
married 3.5 years; together 5
status-WH filed for D 6/14/10

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2009
luv2swim
Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, June 7th (Monday)

MoreBluetiful asked:
Does anyone who has been through this have any suggestions on books that are helpful?

I found NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass to be very helpful in understanding my own reactions. I found Byron Katie's LOVING WHAT IS to be helpful in working my own way out of the craziness. For working your way through divorce without destroying everything, I recommend GETTING DIVORCED WITHOUT RUINING YOUR LIFE by Sam Margulies. And finally, if you are a Christian, or spiritual, I highly recommend Kristin Armstrong's book HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

In a way, the titles to all these books combine to what I have found to be true: No, they were NOT "just friends". I had to accept, even love to an extent, what was the truth. And once I did this, getting divorced without ruining my life became the chore. And now, I can see, that it is possible to "live happily ever after" in part, because the craziness and drama of hisself is removed from my life. And partly because I am, happy!

[This message edited by luv2swim at 6:09 AM, June 7th (Monday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married 24 years -
2 fantastic kids!

divorced 2009


D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married and still together (as far as I know).


Posts: 400 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
luv2swim
Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, June 7th (Monday)

hopingwaiting asked:
So anyone else's H take forever to file for D even though they kept saying they were going to???? arghhh!

Yeah... arghhh indeed. Part of the craziness is this fence sitting weirdness is the "I want a divorce... yesterday. But you have to file because I am such a kind person I would never do that... and I want a divorce". Mine did not file for over 2 years, though he livd with OW during that time. It was not until he purchased a home with her that I demanded he file (I would not file because we wanted to divorce in his Community Property state, not my Equitable Distribution state.

Now, after the divorce is final, he remains angry at me. Why? Because it took too long for us to divorce. And naturally, it is all my fault. My ex is exhibit A that the craziness does not evaporated with divorce.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married 24 years -
2 fantastic kids!

divorced 2009


D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married and still together (as far as I know).


Posts: 400 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
foxglove
Member
Member # 21791
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, June 7th (Monday)

Does anyone who has been through this have any suggestions on books that are helpful?

Another book that I found helpful especially in light of the abandonment of the relationship that we all experience is Susan Anderson's "Journey from Abandonment to Healing". Really excellent.


Me (BS)52
XH (WS)
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two grown sons, 26 & 28

Posts: 1488 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Northern Michigan
stillhurting@1y
New Member
Member # 28402
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 9th (Wednesday)

It has been a year and a half and my ex and the whore are still together. The crazy thing is he is not "allowed" to talk to me because it is disrespectful to her...WTH???
anyone else deal with this?


"It's funny how a person can break your heart, and you can still love them with all the little pieces"

Posts: 32 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: college station, tx
angie12096
Member
Member # 21627
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, June 15th (Tuesday)

My H just left us Wednesday. I woke up to a missed call from OW on my phone. When H woke up, I said, Why would OW be calling me if you havent had contact w/her in 4 months. His response was I dont know. So then he went out side and I kept saying this makes no since, then he blurted out that he didnt love me anymore that he loved OW and wanted to be wit OW(who was 900 miles away) and said he hasnt been happy. (all news to me)
So, he packed his bag, flew 900 miles to OW and helped her pack everything in her condo and moved her out here, all in 5 days. And they are now living in a hotel until they find an apartment!

No-one can believe what happened, or how he could do this. His whole family and mine is shocked. They all said, you guys always seemed happy, you got along good, and have been together for 19 years.

My question is how could he do this to me and his kids? How could she move away from everything for a married man w/2 kids?
I would love to know what he is thinking and how he could have done this. HE just ran and replaced us w/her.

I am so devastated!!!


I love how you did exactly what you promised you wouldn't do.

Don't listen to him...It's all words..Look for his actions! I am looking, but I can't see any action!


Posts: 712 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Hell and Back
InItNow
New Member
Member # 25435
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 23rd (Wednesday)

Just found this thread and I am a member of this group also....not by choice.
XWH moved in with OW 11/09 a month prior to the actual final divorce.
Last week Sat. had a dream he asked her to marry him.
Following Tuesday found it to be true ... plus she's pregnant.
I guess I had a feeling from the very beginning that it was going to go down this path. I had even written it in my journal that it was one of my biggest fears but somehow I just had a feeling. The same way I had a feeling he was cheating.
I'm crushed...

Why can't I let go? He did.


Me: 42
WH: 38
Married 14 years at the time
No Kids - never was lucky enough - dog and cat
D-day#1 July 09 - admitted PA
DIVORCED 12-18-2009
OW pregnant and they are getting married 6-15-2010....
He chose her and divorce without even batting an

Posts: 43 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
Clean Slate
Member
Member # 26486
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 23rd (Wednesday)

InItNow - I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm going through the same thing. I am finding it so hard to let go. Unfortunately we cannot just switch off our feelings for our WS.

I wish I had a solution for us I guess the only thing we can do is let time pass until one day we will find the attachment is no longer there. In the meantine try and keep yourself as busy as possible to keep you away from brooding over it. Perhaps take up a hobby or spend more time going out with friends.


D-Day 12/12/09 The day my world got turned inside out and upside down.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Dec 2009
jrsdad
New Member
Member # 28872
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday)

My WW left me and my DD. No affair was disclosed. She said that she wasn't happy and left. Three days later OM called me and confessed A. He was one of my closest friends. The A had been going on for 2 months. Those emotions that I felt can never be replicated. I did not know a heart could hurt that much and survive. My WW insisted on a quick Divorce. She never admitted to the A. She denied it, but people in our community knew about it. Her Dad, sisters, her friends and my friends knew. She moved in with OM at the one year mark of the A. Shortly after a pregnancy was announced then their wedding. Some of his family tried to talk him out of the marriage. My WW is miserable. She never looks happy and she rarely looks me in the eye. She won't talk to me. My WW will do almost anything I ask. She consistently meet me more than half way. It breaks my heart to see her so unhappy. She wasn't just my wife. She was my best friend. Even though she inflicted pain beyond description. I still want her to be happy.


Me-BH 38 Her-XW 34
Married 7 years/Together 12
D-Day:6-4-2008 Divorced-11-14-2008
"Refrain your voice from weeping, And your eyes from tears; For your work shall be rewarded, says the Lord, And they shall return from the land of the enemy."

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Washington
lostwithoutyou
Member
Member # 29053
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, October 25th (Monday)

My last and final D-Day, he went back to OW#6. They moved in together, with her 5 year old daughter.

I'm told that they're still together but he's been spending a lot of time calling, texting and emailing me (something he's done in the past when his AP either leaves him or they find out about me and I make them leave)
So I think something or someone is rocking the boat. Perhaps OW#7 or 8??


Blindsided...

Posts: 208 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: In an empire state of mind
Junebug0525
Member
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, December 12th (Sunday)

These all sound so familiar. I got the "I need some time" and "I haven't been happy for a while" and "I didn't leave you for her"...

So he's with her, I hate it, but can't do anything. I'm just sitting back now and hoping that things blow up in his face and he regrets leaving me someday. I want him to come crawling back so I can in his face before I shut the door.

For those of you that posted here before, any updates?


Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1148 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
ozzy344
Member
Member # 29538
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, December 12th (Sunday)

Why can't I let go? He did.

Kind of sums me up at the moment.

More and more, I realise and see the negative characteristics of the thing possessing what was my wife, yet still I want her back.

Had conversation on Friday, OM has split from her, felt a little good about that, talked yesterday (issue with son that went into relationship territory) and she came out with a comment "S13 needs to be comfortable around OM. What if I marry OM in future or someone else".

She has no intention of getting back with me, has never said she wants to, yet I still find it hard letting go. Dealing with a situation is one thing, but accepting it is harder.

Realised I am investing too much time thinking about our relationship, a possible future and not enough time thinking just about me and how I can improve myself.

I need to work harder on the 180, and focus only on me and my children now.


BS-30 (ok, 40)
xWW-43
M-13yrs
2 boys - 10+13
Dday 1 - 16/12/09
Dday 2 - 26/08/10
Separated since 1st October 2010
Divorced since 8th November 2010

Say Fuck It, and move on. Life is the present and the future. The past is just to learn from


Posts: 201 | Registered: Sep 2010
riverflow
Member
Member # 28151
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, December 12th (Sunday)

same with me, though STBX still insists she's not THE reason he left I had my suspicions but didn't find out for sure until after he'd moved out and I filed for Divorce. Since the cat's out of the bag now he's all about his new life with her and can't understand what the hell we're all so upset about.


Divorced 1/20/11


Posts: 548 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Connecticut
Junebug0525
Member
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, December 15th (Wednesday)

See that's what pisses me off. XH still said he didn't leave for her, but we never talked about separating, never talked about divorce, he always told me he was happy...UNTIL HE MET HER!!! Then all of a sudden the marriage was miserable to him, he hasn't loved me in a long time, etc...all the reasons we all hear. He told me "I didn't leave for her, I left for me." Right. You left for YOU so that YOU could be with HER. Whatever. Asshole.


Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1148 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
beyondpain6107
Member
Member # 15120
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, December 26th (Sunday)

What I have found is that all the lies are the same. My silly (to be nice) XH told my kids that he knew he was going to divorce me when my son was 2, but wanted to wait until my daughter was 10...funny my son is almost 4 years older than my daughter. That was news to me, he sure seemed happy for all those 15 years until he started partying with OW and her XH.

Now he is married to OW...they will say what ever to make themselves feel and look better. They will paint a crazy picture of you. Mine comes up with different stories all the time, luckily my kids have a good enough memory to know the truth of how my marriage was.


Me-BS(then 35)
Divorced 2008
Married 15 years
D-Day 6/01/07
D-Day #2 7/25/07 - I'm so stupid for believing
Dday #3 2/19/08 False R - Was good for a while
D 7/16/08
2 Children S-17 D-14

Praising God everyday for setting me free.


Posts: 983 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
wordsfail
Member
Member # 30289
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, December 27th (Monday)

checking in...

wherefromhere said:

He left me for her*, he thinks she is a wonderful person and I'm this evil, mean, bitch who made his life miserable for years.

Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.

*I prefer to call her "the pig"


SHE/ME: 40's
WSO: 40's
OW: x-BF, 30's
Met 11/06. Moved in 1/08. Engaged 8/09. EA 11/09. PA began ??. My Mom died 12/09. DD 2/8/10. WSO is with x-BF now. My Dad died 12/10.

Posts: 192 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: wish I knew
Blindbat
Member
Member # 29495
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, December 27th (Monday)

Hmmm, I'm not quite sure who technically left whom. I certainly feel I was dumped for the OW, and since he's barely spent 9 nights in the house since the end of October, the rest at hers, he's practically moved in with her de facto. But since it was clear he wasn't going to give her up to work on the marriage, I started to look for a place of my own and moved out 3 weeks ago. But mentally, he sure as hell left me for her. It really does the ego no good whatsoever to be traded in for an older model


Noli illegitimi carborundum
Not yet as divorced as I'd like to be :-(

Posts: 713 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: The Land of Chocolate
beyondpain6107
Member
Member # 15120
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, December 27th (Monday)

So I am a few years out and I PROMISE that you will look back and be thankful and even laugh.

Here are some things that never change. They continue to seek validation through means other than themselves. It will not be as rosie with the OP as they make it out. My XH called me about a month ago asking for sexual favors. Says he still thinks about me all the time and loves me. I was like I'm not having an affair with you, you're married.

Eventually the newness wears off and by then you are well removed from their crap...and it is crap.

THEY did NOT leave you for OP!!! It seems like that, but they left for the feeling, the validation.

There was nothing the OP does better...this I PROMISE. Doesn't matter what they tell you. If you're lucky like I have been, they will reveal bits and pieces that they will NEVER have it as good as they had it with you.

Having XH marry the OW was hard. No lie...it is hard when their kids (hers and mine) all get together and they do "family" stuff. It gets easier and easier.

hugs to all of you. I promise there is a brighter day


Me-BS(then 35)
Divorced 2008
Married 15 years
D-Day 6/01/07
D-Day #2 7/25/07 - I'm so stupid for believing
Dday #3 2/19/08 False R - Was good for a while
D 7/16/08
2 Children S-17 D-14

Praising God everyday for setting me free.


Posts: 983 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
LisaBrandNew
Member
Member # 30522
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, December 28th (Tuesday)

STBXWH left me for a former student of mine - 18 years old. He is a man-child of 39 who is "in love." I helped her get a job working for him. So glad that I told myself that this sexually acting out, coke using, cutting, histrionic girl should be given a second chance. Well, now she is acting out with him (nothing more self esteem boosting than seducing the husband of someone you admire-her words). He just creeps me out now. He knew about her history, but when she began the flirting, he couldn't see a troubled kid, but an opportunity. Now the mental movies are the toughest for me. She tried to seduce me when she was my student, but I responded with strong boundaries and a counseling referral. WTF-he is nuts!


Finally living the life I was meant to live.

Posts: 806 | Registered: Dec 2010
MikeMo
New Member
Member # 30298
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, December 29th (Wednesday)

Ummm...Ya, I can relate to this thread. xWW left for her high school sweetheart after 20 or so years. He's married with 3 kids himself.
The story is in my profile. I really don't want to re-type it.
Even though the divorce is final, it still eats at me that she left her husband, her two children, and her home for this piece of garbage. Meanwhile, he's still putting on the husband and daddy act. Well, that's until the holidays are over. His wife is about to confront him and give him the boot. I can't wait. I'm giddy with anticipation.


BH - 48 (me)
WW - 39 (Her}
DDay 05.17.10
Divorce 10.06.10
Married 13 years, 4 days
Together 18 Years, 4 days
Two children 13 & 7

Posts: 10 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Misery
Blueeyedfella
Member
Member # 29944
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, December 30th (Thursday)

Just joined this thread. My WW moved out in July and OH officially moved in with her a couple months later even though he was there most of the time before that. We've been S since March.

I wonder what's the percentage of successful R to D here in this thread. Seems to be very heavily weighted to D - much more so in other threads.


Me: BH (Mid 30s)
Her: WW (Mid 30s)
Married 10 years, together 15.
2 kids under 4.
DDay: Jan-2010
4 false Rs with varying degrees of "trying" - same result
Dec-started mediation process.

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2010
beyondpain6107
Member
Member # 15120
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, December 31st (Friday)

I wonder what's the percentage of successful R to D here in this thread. Seems to be very heavily weighted to D - much more so in other threads.

Pretty hard to R when they are with OP...

BUT, I can say that I think it is typical for WS to seek out BS even after leaving. Mine does and he is married to OW. I wont touch him with a 10 foot pole


Me-BS(then 35)
Divorced 2008
Married 15 years
D-Day 6/01/07
D-Day #2 7/25/07 - I'm so stupid for believing
Dday #3 2/19/08 False R - Was good for a while
D 7/16/08
2 Children S-17 D-14

Praising God everyday for setting me free.


Posts: 983 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, January 2nd (Sunday)

I wonder what's the percentage of successful R to D here in this thread.

The question to ask is 'what are *my* chances of moving forward to a healthier and brighter life?"


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
rcantbleveit
Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, January 2nd (Sunday)

My EWH actually told me shortly after D-day that he had a hard time looking at me because he could see the pain in my eyes and to know that he was the cause of all that pain was too much for him to bear.

He also said shortly after that, that he just couldn't stay in this house anymore because he knew that he would never be able to "live it down"-meaning that he was afraid I would never forget that he cheated and therefore never let him forget that he cheated.
All of the above was said to me as well as "my friends told me to never come back because you would make us both miserable questioning everything I do".
His friends are cheaters too. He's only introduced the OW to them, not our friends that would never cheat.
It's like we have to suck it up so they don't feel bad in order to save our marriages. They just keep doing what they do. I feel like I'm suffering the consequences of H actions while him & OW enjoy the fruits of our labor. It's frustrating and painful.


Posts: 229 | Registered: Dec 2010
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, January 2nd (Sunday)

I hear you rcantbleveit. I think it's easier for some to leave their mess; continue to blameshift or act like there's too much damage (that's bullshit and they have to know that, it's a cop-out). Those are the wayward folks who probably won't ever 'get it'.



Posts: 14579 | Registered: Jun 2008
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, January 2nd (Sunday)

Just a re-post since this thread's getting a bit more exposure recently

---------------------------

Why Do They Leave?

All too often we hear it. “The marriage was killing me, the love is gone, and we’ve grown apart”. It’s as if the marriage is an animate entity that made the wayward spouses do what they chose to do.

They rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. They convince themselves that their marriage was already bad, that their partner really doesn’t love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their “soul-mate” because he/she is the only one that understands them. Next begins the repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations, over and over again in their minds. It is as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed. In the affair, the wayward partner falls in love with the illusion of themselves that they have created. Period. Their true selves are warped and then reflected back to them. It is an escape from the everyday realities that must be dealt with and an escape from who they really are.

Over time, they really begin to believe all the lies they’ve told themselves. Their beliefs are reflected in their actions; loving to the affair partner and angry and hostile towards the betrayed. Wash, rinse, and repeat and soon they are deeply entrenched in the fog. If the “marriage” is bad, obviously, they don’t have to blame it on themselves. They can blame “it” on the other. Some of us find it difficult to look at ourselves. Some of us don’t know how to look at ourselves. Some of us never think of looking at ourselves.

It's not that they were necessarily unhappy with the marriage. What happens in many typical cases is that the situation is perfectly good. But then enter the other person. A relationship starts developing with the other person and energy that should have gone into the marriage is redirected. As this relationship deepens, walls are put up to prevent the faithful spouse from connecting emotionally with the wayward spouse. In essence, it's not the marriage that is killing the wayward spouse; it's the wayward spouse that's killing the marriage. The current situation becomes unhappy, because it was made unhappy.

When they leave, they aren't running from the marriage - they're running from themselves. Some people have the narcissistic notion that they are spotless white knights or pure maidens and they can't go back to what they destroyed because they would have to face themselves and put in the effort to make it right. Romantic relationships are often idealized in that we will get what we want without putting in the effort required. However, the status of a relationship is simply the output of what is invested in it. Couple this with the devaluation of the faithful spouse that the wayward spouse cultivates and it is easy to see why. Leaving the marriage offers the path of least resistance for them and the easiest way to deal with the mess they have created -by starting fresh and denial of the truth.

If your partner/spouse leaves and blames it on the “marriage,” don’t buy into it. The “marriage” is not the problem. You are not the problem. Your spouse/partner chose the affair and to escape out of ignorance, fear, or inadequacy.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
SerenityLost
Member
Member # 30570
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, January 2nd (Sunday)

Thanks for the repost! I think I may need to print that out and read it to myself everyday! I have a question for my fellow BS's. I know it's not very productive to think about it...but how many of you hope and pray that their WS will snap out of the fog and come back? I pray that I will one day have the man I married back. Not the man I am faced with today. I can't help but pray that this stranger who has left me to be in an online relationship with a 17 year-old girl will leave my best friend's body and my husband will come back to me. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone the whole truth. I can't help but feel like he is doing this as a result of traumatic things that have happened to us this past year. We have been separated for two months...I have initiated 180 several times with FR as a result. I have started 180 once again and will continue for myself. I am willing to do anything to save our marriage...as long as he's committed to it...which he is not as he keeps going back and forth on his decision for a divorce...he's fence-sitting. I haven't spoken to him in almost 3 days and it's killing me. I wonder if I've even crossed his mind or if he's considered the fact that he may have made a mistake in our separation. My head tells me one thing and my heart tells me another. Does the unwanted separation get easier? Are there many out there that have been left for the OP that have later successfullly reconciled?

[This message edited by SerenityLost at 8:17 PM, January 2nd (Sunday)]


Me: BW
Him: WH

In reconciliation

"Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face." ~ Unknown


Posts: 55 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South U.S.
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, January 2nd (Sunday)

Serenity...

In the early days I was certainly hoping that things would return to normal. They never did.

There came a point when I discovered that there were more important things than to holding onto something that was never going to happen. I'm not saying that it's necessarily the same as in your case... but I am saying that to reach your best hope you will have to do the same thing.

I came here thinking I was in a battle for my marriage. It turns out that the battle was for myself all along.

You cannot have a mutually respectful marriage if you do not respect and stand up for your needs. A marriage will kill you emotionally if you allow infidelity to continue. You have to put a stop to the infidelity in your marriage. Sometimes the WS will step up to the plate and take ownership. Sometimes they never will and you have to end the marriage. It's not fair... but it is not ours to decide. Ours is only to decide how we will deal with it. And if we are willing to deal with it... then we create for ourselves the opportunity to move forward to that brighter future... one way or another.

You have to be true to yourself above all else. If you can do that... I can promise you that you will be okay.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
SerenityLost
Member
Member # 30570
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, January 4th (Tuesday)

Thanks for your reply SerJR. It's hard trying to decide to hold out for the possibility of reconciliation or move on. I'm on day 5 of my latest 180 and I intend to keep at it. The rejection by someone that I pledged my life to is like a knife straight through my heart...I know we aren't supposed to believe anything we hear and less than half of what we see, but it still seems to be getting past my beat up armor. Everyone's insight and shared experiences on SI has been such a blessing. I feel like I'm surrounded by people who truly understand my situation.


Me: BW
Him: WH

In reconciliation

"Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face." ~ Unknown


Posts: 55 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South U.S.
NeedingGodsHelp
Member
Member # 23580
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, January 5th (Wednesday)

I am definately in this thread. My WH left and after a brief stint at his parents house moved in with the OW. This was only a few months after blindsided me and walked out on us and almost a year BEFORE our divorce. They are still living together, and I have to sent my kids to be with them for his visitation.

To answer SerenityLost:
I am still standing for my marriage. For me, it is the path God has led me. Not at all an easy one, as he has shown no signs of wanting reconciliation... in fact, after almost 2 years since separation, he still cannot being himself to have an actual civil conversation with me (Guilt?).
I don't just want the man I feel in love with as a teenager... the man I married and my best friend back... I want someone better. I want God to do a work on him!
Ultimately, yes, I would love to see my family restored.


BS: me 33
WH: him 33
Married almost 9 yrs, together (off-and-on) 18.5 years
4 kids: 1 mine & 3 ours
DD#1: 2/12/2009 (EA#1)
DD#2: 2/26/2009 (EA/PA w/ tramp#2 - since July 2008)
Status: D 5/2010, Standing, WH living with OW, D filed 4/28/09)

Posts: 440 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Climbing out of hell...
MikeMo
New Member
Member # 30298
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, January 6th (Thursday)

Almost 8 months since DDay and 3 months since divorce was final.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and the person that she used to be. Yes...Deep down, I hope and pray that my ex-wife will snap out of the fog, be open and honest with me, and help restore our family that we created together.
But, I don't think that will ever happen. Even if she were to snap out of the fog and discovered the reality that her soulmate was nothing more than a lot of talk, she would probably want to start over with a clean slate. She's a stubborn woman. Probably too stubborn to admit her mistakes and own up to it.
So, here is a question...Do WS ever really start with a clean slate?

[This message edited by MikeMo at 5:11 PM, January 6th (Thursday)]


BH - 48 (me)
WW - 39 (Her}
DDay 05.17.10
Divorce 10.06.10
Married 13 years, 4 days
Together 18 Years, 4 days
Two children 13 & 7

Posts: 10 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Misery
Blueeyedfella
Member
Member # 29944
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, January 7th (Friday)

I am still standing for my marriage....I don't just want the man I feel in love with as a teenager... the man I married and my best friend back... I want someone better. I want God to do a work on him!
Ultimately, yes, I would love to see my family restored....

Serenity, maybe I misinterpreted, but are you saying you'd be willing to R with your xWH and get back together after D?


Deep down, I hope and pray that my ex-wife will snap out of the fog, be open and honest with me, and help restore our family that we created together.

Same question goes for Mo - you looking to R and get back together?


Me: BH (Mid 30s)
Her: WW (Mid 30s)
Married 10 years, together 15.
2 kids under 4.
DDay: Jan-2010
4 false Rs with varying degrees of "trying" - same result
Dec-started mediation process.

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2010
Honest1
Member
Member # 29976
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, January 8th (Saturday)

Like MikeMo said I have those same thoughts and my WW A began at leat 8 months ago and we have been S for 2 months waiting to wrap up D.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and the person that she used to be. Yes...Deep down, I hope and pray that my ex-wife will snap out of the fog, be open and honest with me, and help restore our family that we created together.

My WW just displayed genuine remorse 2 nights ago which took me off guard. I have been anxiously waiting to get D over with so that I can move on with my life. I had finally had enough of the fog and lack of remorse. A part of me still wants her back and part of me is so hurt and angry with her betrayal.


BS 49
WW 47
SPa May 3rd 2010
D-day Oct 6th 2010 WS asked for R
D-day2 Oct 17th 2010 WS breaks NC
2 Kids ages 5 & 8
Separated 11/07/2010

Posts: 135 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Midwest
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, January 8th (Saturday)

How do you know that it's genuine and not just a bone so you stick around?


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
nightshadow
Member
Member # 28104
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, January 9th (Sunday)

I am a member of the club.


ME30 WOWZER
SON4
"The worst part about being lied to is knowing that you weren't worth the truth." ~Unknown~
"They can't kill you and eat you"
"fuck them and feed them fish"
"Don't let the goofy shit get y

Posts: 864 | Registered: Mar 2010
CanISurvive
Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 4:13 AM, January 9th (Sunday)

(((all on this forum)))

My WW has spent nearly every weekend with the OW, now 18 and in college, since she moved out. I told her that if she was going to continue the A, she could not do it from our home. I would not tolerate that. So she moved out into her own apartment so she could continue the A.

My WW was fired a year ago from a private HS teaching job after the OW's father complained re unprofessional e-mails, AIM chat sessions, etc. between my WW and his then 17 year old daughter. They reconnected after the girl turned 18 (I have the full story in my profile). Hindsight is 20/20; wish I had trusted my gut.

I am currently talking D with the WW, though she suggested Legal Separation 1st. I need to do one or the other...the A is still a big secret. If the OW's father finds out, I expect some type of lawsuit to occur (the father has lots of money). At this point I do not want to literally pay for her continued poor choices, and the only way I see to prevent that is to separate our property legally.

The hard part is trying to let go emotionally...it has been very hard losing my best friend, confidant, lover. A part of me still hopes she gets her head on straight and we try JC for a possible R, but her current actions and behavior do not suggest that is a real option. I took this next Monday off work to get the info I need from lawyers, talk re my options, etc.


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
Honest1
Member
Member # 29976
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, January 12th (Wednesday)

SerJR,

How do you know that it's genuine and not just a bone so you stick around?

It sounded and felt like real remorse. I suppose time will tell whether is was genuine or not.

(edited for grammer)

[This message edited by Honest1 at 10:05 PM, January 12th (Wednesday)]


BS 49
WW 47
SPa May 3rd 2010
D-day Oct 6th 2010 WS asked for R
D-day2 Oct 17th 2010 WS breaks NC
2 Kids ages 5 & 8
Separated 11/07/2010

Posts: 135 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Midwest
hurttothebone
Member
Member # 30767
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, January 13th (Thursday)

Mine wants me to wait. Let him cake eat till April. And them maybe work things out. He is with her tonight. In our bed in our house.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
BillieJean
Member
Member # 28635
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, January 13th (Thursday)

My stbx left on D Day and never wanted R and has shown no regret or remorse. It still so painful.

I know I'm strong and I know that I will be ok but I don't think I will ever trully get over how easily he walked away. I was so blind sided on D Day. I KNOW that our marriage wasn't the nightmare he has made it out to be.

I love that man so very much. How can he not regret doing this?


ME-BW:32__HIM-xWH:31__DS:5
TOGETHER-10 MARRIED-5
D-DAY: 3/26/2010
I FILED D 9/17/2010
D FINAL 2/3/2011
"Is there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs"-Miss Piggy

Posts: 447 | Registered: May 2010 | From: MIDDLE TN
rcantbleveit
Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, January 14th (Friday)

I continue to pray that H will realize what a mistake he has made & want to restore our marriage.
We were best friends and still have a lot of love for each other.
I've been told by two men this week that cheated on their wives that although they are now happily remarried to someone else, they regretted not working things our with their XW.
They also said that if their wives had not kept trying to get them back & taking them back after being with the OW, they would have respected them more and they would have wanted to work harder on the marriage.
It's such a fine line... On one hand, you feel like they need to know that you love them, want them & your marriage but on the other, doing this makes them want you less..... Hope the fog lifts soon.

Posts: 229 | Registered: Dec 2010
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, January 14th (Friday)


I love that man so very much. How can he not regret doing this?

When my FWS left us this was the question I kept asking too. I understand how much this hurts. Chances are sometime, someday he will regret it, he just may not share that information with you.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, January 14th (Friday)

I continue to pray that H will realize what a mistake he has made & want to restore our marriage.
We were best friends and still have a lot of love for each other.
I've been told by two men this week that cheated on their wives that although they are now happily remarried to someone else, they regretted not working things our with their XW.
They also said that if their wives had not kept trying to get them back & taking them back after being with the OW, they would have respected them more and they would have wanted to work harder on the marriage.
It's such a fine line... On one hand, you feel like they need to know that you love them, want them & your marriage but on the other, doing this makes them want you less..... Hope the fog lifts soon.

I can cry reading this, I could have wrote it almost three years ago. As hard as it is to watch them walk away we really have no choice but to let them go.

I printed the 180 and the poem "letting go" and carried them in my purse as my rules. It is such a crapshoot what the WS will do. I can tell you from experience nothing we do influences that. Try and be strong and don't look for answers in his "fog". He might be foggy and he might not be.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, January 14th (Friday)

Mine wants me to wait. Let him cake eat till April. And them maybe work things out. He is with her tonight. In our bed in our house.

I am so sorry


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
BillieJean
Member
Member # 28635
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, January 14th (Friday)

I haven't broken NC in over 6 months. Finances and DS only.

The first few months I was still in such shock. I never really called or texted him that much but I would not be able to control my emotions around him. I was angry and hurt and I let him know each time I saw him.

He used to be so cold but now he's really friendly and that hurts too.


ME-BW:32__HIM-xWH:31__DS:5
TOGETHER-10 MARRIED-5
D-DAY: 3/26/2010
I FILED D 9/17/2010
D FINAL 2/3/2011
"Is there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs"-Miss Piggy

Posts: 447 | Registered: May 2010 | From: MIDDLE TN
ray-ray
Member
Member # 29940
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, January 14th (Friday)

Hello all. I belong here as well. My XW came home one day and said she wanted divorce and handed me all the excerpts right out of the WS handbook, nothing about having an A. I was blindsided she always said how happy she was. One year tomorrow that she left. Divorced for 8 months. But I never would get back with her. Hope everyone has a good weekend!


So many roads

Posts: 765 | Registered: Oct 2010
Kerpgh
Member
Member # 30453
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, January 21st (Friday)

Im at the point of just giving up on our relationship...Im tired of him being so very cold and uncaring...he blames me for his not being able to see his children...but it always has to be on his terms...when he feels like he should...unfortunatly this week we were busy...and now he's begging me to see them...Im like..asshole..you could have had everyday with them but obviously you would rather have a different life...Im meeting with a lawyer next week...started therapy...started back to work,had a psychiatric hospitalization and started taking meds..I actually feel a bit stronger today...
Live you life in the bed you preferred asshole...forget the past 16 years...because Im becoming stronger everyday...thank you everyone on SI for all the support and words of wisdom...couldnt have gotten to this point without you....


Together 20 years (married 11)
Me: 41
WH: 37
Two children (9 & 7)
Whore: 25
Dday 11/10/2010
False R 12/17/2010
Moved back 2/10/2012
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Pittsburgh
Thelonious
Member
Member # 30683
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, January 21st (Friday)

I'm in this thread. After an amazing, great eight-year relationship, my WS suddenly had what she describes as a "awakening" and took up with a tour guide from a trip she was on last summer. While I was out of town on a business trip, she took him back to our house and slept with him in our bed.

We tried R for a week, during which she said she would go to MC. Then I found an email she had sent him saying that she was planning to end our relationship. We separated that day.

She's still with him, even though he has no fixed address. She's visiting him right now, on his current gig in the tropics.

She has shown no remorse or second thoughts. The word one of my friends used to describe her attitude was "nonchalant". The only times she has ever gotten upset since our breakup are when I stood up for my position and insisted I was right about something.

I feel like crap. This was the best relationship I had ever been in and I loved her very deeply. I have no idea where this came from and neither do any of our friends.

I am mostly NC now and I intend to stay that way for the foreseeable future. It hurts like hell.

[This message edited by Thelonious at 8:26 PM, January 21st (Friday)]


Me: 57
WS: 45
No kids
Together 8 years, living together for 4
D-Day: September 28, 2010
Separation: October 5, 2010

Posts: 208 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Canada
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, January 25th (Tuesday)

(((thelonious)))

I am sorry that you find yourself here. Many of us know how you feel. The "nonchalent" is a great way to describe the way my FWS acted also. Like no big deal, 20 years down the drain, whatever.

The selfishness is unbelievable. I hope you are keeping strong and staying NC. Just step away from her madness.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
Thelonious
Member
Member # 30683
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, January 27th (Thursday)

Thanks nonoeeverthought. I apprecaite it.


Me: 57
WS: 45
No kids
Together 8 years, living together for 4
D-Day: September 28, 2010
Separation: October 5, 2010

Posts: 208 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Canada
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, February 13th (Sunday)

I'm part of this club too...


Me: BGF - 34

And suddenly I see...what I lost ain't no loss.
-Richie Kotzen, "What I Lost"


Posts: 2915 | Registered: Feb 2010
victory
Member
Member # 31088
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, February 15th (Tuesday)

Let me joing the club. WW and I seperated just to have distance while we work on us and she took that to mean it was ok for her to continue to see OM. She still goes over there and spends nightss. Meanwhile, the block of ice is frigid and cold towards me. Says nothing about how I'm doing or about the chaos she's created.


Dday- 1-26-11 (7 month PA)
BH (me)-41
WW- 37
3 little kids (6-8-10)
married 11 yrs, together 17
Divorced summer 2012 (I think)
I HAVE CUSTODY OF MY GIRLS!!!

Posts: 204 | Registered: Feb 2011
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 15th (Tuesday)

My XW moved out six weeks after D-day. That was in October '08. She's with him still. Guess they found tru luv.

He's an unemployed, multiple dui low-life. They busted up our family over drinking, country line dancing and concerts.

She barely talks to the kids when they stay with her. She's destroying me in divorce court and compromising our kids' futures.

How does that happen after 24 years of marriage, threee kids and all that life? She burned out I guess. Now she's a kid again. Unfortunately, there's a lot of collateral damage to crawl away from.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
rcantbleveit
Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, February 18th (Friday)

My WH has gone back & forth between me & OW ever since D-Day.

We signed a revision to our divorce agreement last week & tears started rolling down his face. He says he will always love me & be there for me. I asked him to come home & he said he couldn't do it. He said he's f'd up more than I could ever know & every time he's with me, he's f'd up worse for days.

Although he has been living with her since October, he says that he has to plan his life as if he is going to be alone. They have talked about getting married a few times but he hasn't asked her, bought her a ring or planned anything. He says he doesn't want to be married to me, her or anyone else but I think he will marry her as soon as our divorce is final.

He seems very conflicted. He does act as if he still loves me. He does whatever he can to make my life easier. He called and said he missed me and hung up. Three days later, he called just to say hello & see how I was doing. He also sent an email thanking me for everything I've done for him & that he didn't deserve it. He contacted our attorny asking when our court date would be on the same day.

He's called in sick for work all week just so he could stay home with her.

I love him so much but sometimes I wonder if he is just playing me.


Posts: 229 | Registered: Dec 2010
CanISurvive
Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, February 18th (Friday)

One of the things I have seen around the SI forums in situations like this is that actions speak louder than words. I hate to say this, but he may be stringing you along, hoping to keep you as a backup option. He may also be hoping that keeping you conflicted will mean that he may be able to talk you into better terms with the attourney.

Have you started IC yet? If not, I completely recommend doing so. It can be very helpful. Hang in there, post here often.


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
phoenix2011
New Member
Member # 30969
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, February 21st (Monday)

Hi everyone. This is my first post in this forum. With my divorce almost final, I have spent a lot of time this week (not sure why) thinking about OW. She is a co-worker of stbxh's and I've met her and spoken to her in the past, before any of this came to light (I always had my eye on her, as I knew he had a special "thing" for her). Anyway, I've read a lot of posts on SI about the OW being a disgusting drug addict, married and having an affair, broke and destitute, a prostitute, etc. From the limited things I know about OW in my case, she is a young, well-employed, single, attractive, "bubbly" person (puke). I don't feel like she is better than me, because I have accomplished a lot in my life and I was a very dedicated spouse, but I do sometimes struggle with not being able to say he left for a complete loser. Does that make sense? On the outside, it seems like he left for a pretty good catch...not saying anything about what he left behind. I don't know.....it's just been on my mind lately and yet another thing I can't make sense of. Thanks for listening.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jan 2011
LisaBrandNew
Member
Member # 30522
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, February 21st (Monday)

Phoenix - I can tell you that whether the OW is troubled or seemingly perfect, the BS will compare and find a way to feel bad about herself. I think the rejection and abandonment sends us into a spiral and we find wonderfully creative ways to perpetuate the wound. You feel guilty for anything you ever did wrong in your marriage, wonder if you would have done this or that would it have made the difference. But it really isn't about us. It is about fantasy and avoidance, not looking inward, doing the work, and honoring and investing energy into the marriage and spouse. The flaws within the WS are the cause. The "bubbly" girl is just a distraction.


Finally living the life I was meant to live.

Posts: 806 | Registered: Dec 2010
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, February 21st (Monday)

For me, OW also isn't sime gutter pig; on paper, she's also a 'good catch'.

But even though her resume might look pretty good, she still cheated on her H with a man who was also married.

I think it's not any easier if the OP is "less than, equal to or greater than"" the BS.

I don't think any of us in this position will ever understand that our spouse could leave for 'that'.



Posts: 14579 | Registered: Jun 2008
phoenix2011
New Member
Member # 30969
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, February 21st (Monday)

Thanks Lisa and wannabe. I sometimes wish my head would just erase the both of them.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jan 2011
Betterdays ahead
New Member
Member # 31275
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, February 21st (Monday)

I've been thinking about this a lot. Why someone would lie and cheat to another person who they promised to stick with in sickness and health, in good times and bad...and here's what I think. About my XH anyway...I think he couldn't make it up the grown up mountain. It was just too hard, and he went tumbling down. Now he's a teenage grown up. Its embarassing, really. I take care of the kids and their day to day business and he gets to play with OW. At the end of the day, though, its a question of maturity. And a complete misunderstanding about love==love is a verb, not a feeling. When you get married, you are family. Just as you don't abandon your child for someone else's, you don't abandon your spouse for something that feels fun. Its a question of character, in my mind. A question of maturity. Sadly, the ones of us who are left to trudge up the rest of the mountain, carrying our kids on our backs alone, have the heaviest burden. But I can't help but think that doing the right thing in life gives you the best view when you get to the summit! So, try not to take it too personally--its a question of the other person not being able to be a grown up, nothing more.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Kansas
impastit
Member
Member # 28951
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 21st (Monday)

He's an unemployed, multiple dui low-life. They busted up our family over drinking, country line dancing and concerts.

Merlin, I'm very close to this as well.

And she is neglecting the kids and can not see it.

All I can do is man up, sometimes it's a real bitch.

Sometimes I feel free of this crazy bullshit.


"Get over it." Classic. Classic sociopath!

DDay 4/6/10 Filed DDay, smelled it coming, again
She moved to her happy place 5/2/10
D final 11/18/10
Thank God I got the dog.


Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2010
rcantbleveit
Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, February 21st (Monday)

The OW in our situation is attractive & rich. She even wants my H to quit his job. She's pressing H hard to get our divorce over with. One of his friends said that he's really F'd up and he's worried about him. He thinks that once our divorce is final, she will calm down but I have a feeling that the pressure will really start. She's desperate to marry him. Her family thinks he was divorced when they met so they don't know about me and she's afraid that the more time that goes by, the bigger chance her family will have to find out. I want them to know what a liar she is but not sure how to let them know. Any suggestions?

Posts: 229 | Registered: Dec 2010
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, February 25th (Friday)

rcantbleveit - if he's in a rush and feeling pressured, you may be able to take advantage of it and get a very fair settlement for yourself. At the very least, you need to go talk with a lawyer to find out what options are available to you and what your rights are.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
13yrsGone
Member
Member # 31351
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday)

my wife left for the other guy she sees some great future with him and she says she loves him and he makes her smile ... i wish she would come back and he would drop dead but neither of those things are happening ... i wish i could get over it but it is still too fresh ... i am thinking of filing for divorce


Live for the future I know its your prerogative but when you just live for the past you become a part of it.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NC
MikeMo
New Member
Member # 30298
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday)

13,
Damn man...That's very fresh. I'm sorry it has come to this. Did she take the boys with her?
Read up on and start the 180. Contact a competant attorney and discuss your rights and get the paper work started.
You are at the beginning of a long road to recovery. It's almost 10 months from DDay and things actually have gotten better. I'm getting back to my interests and hobbies and you will too.
You also need to know that it is NOT your fault. She may come back with textbook blame shifting so she can justify her infidelity in her own mind. But, there is no excuse what so ever.
You hang in there dude. Post as often as you care to.


BH - 48 (me)
WW - 39 (Her}
DDay 05.17.10
Divorce 10.06.10
Married 13 years, 4 days
Together 18 Years, 4 days
Two children 13 & 7

Posts: 10 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Misery
13yrsGone
Member
Member # 31351
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday)

she took the boys but i am able to see them. i am filing for divorce as soon as possible i am tired of making things easier for her to do what she wants i thought i wanted to her relation ship with this guy would burn out if given what she wanted but i know i have been a fool and i want her name to always bear the mark of adulteress


Live for the future I know its your prerogative but when you just live for the past you become a part of it.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NC
LoveHerStill
Member
Member # 31504
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, March 13th (Sunday)

I am a new member. I have been trolling this website for months and it has been extremely helpful. I have not posted out of fear of my extremely private WW finding the posts and retaliating. I no longer feel this way. On to my story.
We met during college orientation and have been together ever since. She was 18, I was 19, I know, very young, but we had an intense relationship for several years including well into the marriage 6 years after we met. We married 6 years after meeting.

Our marriage was good, and although we had typical problems, we were always able to resolve them and move on. All except what she told me was my problem with alcohol. We both drank throuout our entire relationsip and toward the end, I admit that my drinking escalated and I was drinking several days of the week, to the point of getting drunk. At the time I was in denial. Since our divorce, I have quit drinking during the weekdays, and recently, I have quit drinking alltogether. I did this when I quit smoking.

D-Day April 11, 2010, after returning from visiting my close friends in a nearby town, she dropped the bomb, saying that she has not been happy for years and that I have not responded to her pleadings for me to stop drinking, smoking and taking care of my health. She said that my drinking has seriously damaged her feelings for me and that she no longer feels the same toward me. She also briefly mentioned that she had feelings for someone else. She said that she cannot deal with the constant fighting (of which there was not, only occasional spats about my drinking), and told me that she wants a divorce and that I should find a place to move out to. I question her and am met by complete stubbornness and coldness. I slept on the couch that night and we don't speak until the following afternoon, when she returns from work. No progress, she informs me that she is going to find a place of her own and moves out 6 days after d-day.

I was a complete and utter mess for a month. I could not keep food down, I could not sleep, and in retrospect I think the only thing that kept me from a complete breakdown was going to work. My boss is also a personal friend who is strong emotionally and he literally held me up and forced me to do what was necessary to deal with the mess I was in. I think I would have wound up in the hospital or the morgue if it wasn't for him.

I started IC and that also marked the turning point of going from a complete basket case, to a somewhat functional mess. I have continued IC since and it has been extremely helpful, both in understanding the sitch and dealing with the pain and loss of the infidelity and abandonment.

A couple of weeks after d-day, she admits that she has been having and A for 5 months and that it has been physical for at least 2 months. Later I found out that she was lying and that she had moved in whith OP and not on her own.

He was also married and according to my wife, his wife was emotionally and physically abusive. They met in a workout class at the gym and after finding out that my wife was a psychologist, he poured his guts out about his marriage to her and then started pursuing her. My wife claims that she resisted at first and that it "just happened".

I begged and pleaded with her to seek IC and to discuss this sitch with someone whom she respected. She had only confided in her close friend who has had numerous failed relationships including some which she was cheated on and some where she had cheated. I told my wife that she was a fool for listening to her and that our relationship deserved better counsel. She said she would seek IC.

Long story short, my wife filed for divorce and after the mandatory 90 day waiting period in WA state (no-fault state), divorced me even after I begged her to convert it to a 6 month legal separation.

Four months later my wife bought a house from her father's inheritance and moved OM in. I told her that this was just another stab in the back.

Ever since d-day, I have tried to remain calm and reason with her, and although I was very emotional, I never disrespected her or treated her badly or called her names. I tried to be as amicable as possible and it took every ounce of control to do so. I have never so much as laid a finger on her since I met her and did not abuse her emotionally either.

I was not able to heal or move on past the pain, so I went NC with her after learning that she moved the OM into her new house. She said she understood and has respected NC.

I broke NC on my birthday thinking that she probably wanted to wish me happy birthday, she responded with a brief hb message and sent me a card. She also mentioned that she has had an attorney write up a no harassment order against OM's wife as she keeps threatening her with her life. This has been ongoing and despite my concerns and insistence, she has not filed an order until now. I asked to see a copy.

There is soo much more to the story and I will post it in the my story section of my profile, I just wanted to give a brief synopsis of events.

I still love my now ex-wife and want her to return to me and begin a new relationship. I realize the old relationship is dead, but I feel that I have made several changes that were the source of a lot of our problems and that our marriage was strong and worth continuing. I keep getting foggy communication from her and she feels that we should give it time.

I am over the majority of pain and confusion, but I just can't get past the pain and feeling that she never really loved me and how easy it seems to me that she has seemingly moved on and doesn't seem to give a shit about our 26 year relationship. She keeps repeating that she is "sorry she hurt me", but that is all she can muster in the way of an apology. My IC says that she is either unwilling to face what she has done, or is unable (afraid) to face what she has done and that she has stuffed all of her feeling for me and our marriage. My IC says that I need to heal so that when some trigger causes my wife to break down, that I will be strong and be able to be there for her. My IC also says that I need to heal and detach because there is not hope for reconciliation while I am in my current state. I agree intellectually, but it is so hard to get the heart to follow. I feel so lost and alone, alone in the sense that the person whom I have always depended upon to help me and be there for me is now with the OM she betrayed me for. I would like to just forget her and move on but I have found that I am not able to as my feelings have not changed toward her. I despise her actions and behavior, I understand her personal issues stemming from her teenage years, and I just do not want to let her go, I believe we can start a new relationship and with IC, MC and re-commitment, we could have a much more rewarding and loving relationship. I realize that I cannot control her thoughts and actions, but I long for her to come out of the fog and see that possibility. I have not been able to make a dent in her fog. She has manipulated me asking me to not tell anyone of her infidelity because "if we should work things out sooner or in the future, you know that they would never accept me". I bought it hook line and sinker. I have since, slipped and told a few mutual close friends and one of my sisters whom I hold in high esteem. My WW has lied to and deceived her entire family as well as the majority of her friends and colleagues to this day. Apparently the OM's wife contacted my WW's mother and told her of the affair and when confronted, my WW denied it to her face and lied to her saying that they were just friends. I told my WW that I thought this was despicable and the she would regret it in the future and that her mother knows something is up because who would call up out of the blue making this claim? She had not response.

Sorry, this is kind of a rambler, but it is nice to be able to vent.

At this point, I have the biggest issue with the continued lies and abandonment. The infidelity and betrayal of trust hurst deeply, and although I believe I can get by that, the fact that she never wanted to try to reconcile and that she abandoned me and our marriage without any attempt to work on things has traumatized me and made me question everything, including my self-worth an ability to maintain a relationship. Again, I realize that the A is not about me and that I am not a bad person, it is just so hard to reconcile the intellectual arguments with my emotional feelings. I know you all can help, and I want to thank you all for your time in doing so.

Still Hurting almost one year later....


Me BH-45 @ Dday
Her WW-44 @ Dday
Married-20yrs
Together-26yrs
D-Day 4/11/10
Divorced 9/13/2010
XWW Married OM 5/23/2011

It only hurts when I breathe.


Posts: 774 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Coeur d 'Alene, Idaho
trixie2010
Member
Member # 27422
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, March 18th (Friday)

I have been reading this site as well but never posted on this particular one.

I wanted to respond to the last post--Loveherstill...

To me, after reading your story it seems as if your XW is saying all those things about trying again but is still living with OM--she is keeping you around just in case it doesn't work out with him. Actions speak louder than words. If she wanted to work it out, she would not be with him. I don't mean to sound harsh.

I know it is hard to walk away from those many years together and it is great you are going to IC. Have you read the healing library? There are so many great articles there. Also, there is something called the 180. I think this would be perfect for you.

Right now you are willing to drop everything if she calls. If she were to ask you back, you most likely would go. I am just guessing but from your post it seems as if you would. You deserve so much better than that.

The 180 is just right for someone in your case. You have to make a copy of that and read it until you have it memorized. You need to think about yourself and let her know you will not be there for her if it doesn't work out with OM.


Countless Ddays
WH confirms EA/denies anything else...??
possible R, not really sure will see how it goes
update--5-27-10--kicked his ass to the curb--she can have him!
He has been living with ow since June 2010.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Feb 2010
trixie2010
Member
Member # 27422
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, March 18th (Friday)

Sorry, other post posted before I was finished and it posted twice!

[This message edited by trixie2010 at 1:07 AM, March 18th (Friday)]


Countless Ddays
WH confirms EA/denies anything else...??
possible R, not really sure will see how it goes
update--5-27-10--kicked his ass to the curb--she can have him!
He has been living with ow since June 2010.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Feb 2010
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, March 19th (Saturday)

how many WS who leave for the OP for a long time come back to the BS?
(mine was living w OW for over a year)

i feel like im a wierd one,


Posts: 1751 | Registered: Jan 2010
ItsRocky
Member
Member # 30327
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, March 19th (Saturday)

Well today is the 6 month anniversay of my celebacy. It is how I expect to spend the rest of my life.

All I can do is cry. Today was the first day of the primal animal screaming. There were 2 months of false R and HB of which I am horrible ashamed but also grateful for because I know that part of my life is over.

I guess it wouldn't feel so bad if I didn't FEEL SO BAD

He is just so damn happy with the thief. His head is so far up his butt he doesn't know what she is! He has no idea how bad her financial state is. He bragged to me after he filed for divorce but wouldn't move out that she was in better shape financially than he/we were. She has been married to 2 men with his job at his company previously. Some of her property is now for sale, approved by mortgage holder as short sale. He doesn't know and he says he doesn't care about her past.

It is the whole soulmate schmoozies thing. He has been lying to my kids for years and I have lost 2 of them in this mess. Because they don't want to hear about how I am falling to pieces. Daddy doesn't talk to me about the divorce- well duh! why would he, he moved in with the woman he's been dating for 4 years! What else is there to tell?

After 32 years of marriage he just threw me away - and that says a lot for a packrat who never threw anything away.


Thanks for all the support in my healing, outlived my usefulness on SI, time to move on.

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: SouthEast
ZoeB
New Member
Member # 31598
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, March 25th (Friday)

My STBXH ended his affair, but we are still divorcing b/c he wants to. He has never apologized or shown me any remorse.
I go through periods of acceptance and periods of denial.
I find myself hoping that he will "snap out of it" (the decision to divorce) the same way he finally decided to end the affair. I keep hoping he will finally take responsibility for his choices and stop blaming me for his unhappiness.
Does anyone else struggle with hoping? I am afraid that hoping will just hurt me in the end and keep me from really healing.
I've been in IC since DDay last year and am working on being a healthier person with or without him.
I want to kill the hope, though, and just move on.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2011
dontwantthis
Member
Member # 31518
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, March 30th (Wednesday)

How do you get over the fact that they are still with this person? I do believe that they had a very small time, possibly 2 weeks, where they weren't together. Backstory is I confronted them together on Dd #2, she didn't know he was married and had 3 kids. Though I later found out she had SEEN his ring, but then he wasn't wearing anymore so she though he was separated. Hello! So she didn't bother to ask or wonder if a 41 year old man had kids. I actually felt bad for her at first since he was lying to her too, but I now think of her as the clueless homewrecker. And furthermore this a "smart" woman, she is the same high level in the company my H works for, how she can be so stupid and not check on him is beyond me. Didn't google him until after I blew it out of the water. Guess she didn't care.

So everyone tells me how it's not going to last. But here we are months later and still together. She apparently has forgiven him for lying to her the entire relationship. I'm sure he has made me out to be horrible and he was soooo unhappy. But I wonder how can she reconcile that fact that he lied about not 1, not 2, but 3 children! He did tell his sister the night of Dd #2 that she has her own issues.

I'm sorry this had turned into a rant, but feeling pretty raw today. Just need to know there are others like me out there.

[This message edited by dontwantthis at 7:27 AM, April 16th (Saturday)]


Posts: 54 | Registered: Mar 2011
trixie2010
Member
Member # 27422
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, March 30th (Wednesday)

How do you get over the fact that they are still with this person?

My STBXH is still with his OW. They moved in together in June when I kicked him out. He lied about it for months and just recently admitted they are living together. I honestly did not think it would last either but I am sure they are both on their best behavior. She needs a visa/greencard so she will be and do whatever she needs to get it.

To be honest, I really do not care anymore. I think he is a scumbag and I deserve better. I think she deserves him and really do not think about them that often unless it affects the kids and I.

I refuse to let my kids around the homewrecking whore though so until that happens and I have to deal with that...then all is ok. It took me awhile to get to this point and it really helped to see that it had nothing to do with me.

I have been dealing with this for almost 2 years now (first dday June 09) so that helps. I think it takes time and realizing it has nothing to do with you. You do finally get to a point where you no longer care.


Countless Ddays
WH confirms EA/denies anything else...??
possible R, not really sure will see how it goes
update--5-27-10--kicked his ass to the curb--she can have him!
He has been living with ow since June 2010.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Feb 2010
backtobasic
New Member
Member # 31602
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, March 30th (Wednesday)

i am 3 1/2yrs out from DD and my xh is now marrying OW. I ask myself all the time if 98% of cheating spouses don't leave then how did i get to be the 2%

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2011
HigherGround
Member
Member # 31644
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, March 30th (Wednesday)

I'm here too. Despite the fact that none of his friends, family, older kids, or anyone he knows really approves of them being together. She was his best friend's wife, two marriages were broken by their union.

I have two young kids and it will be a cold day in hell before i let her have anything to do with the kids. He only gets supervised formal access at his parents as the irony is that part of the reason he left was because he didn't want them.

I'm only a month and a half past d day but from what he's told me i don't expect to see any changes in him and i'm working on complete 180. I ended his "playing house" to see the kids, i've told him I want nothing to do with him and i've not actually seen him in person fo over two weeks.

So yeah i'm pretty sure i belong here, pretty sure it will all come crashing down on him someday too but the sad truth is it will likely be too late, i'll not be "the fall back plan" either.


Me: BW
Him: WH
2nd Marriage 6 years together for 7. D-Day in Feb 2011.
*DD1 almost 3 yr old, Quad Spastic CP, Complex Seizure Disorder.
*DD2 6 month old bundle of wonder.
*seperated - some good days; some not so good days.

Posts: 610 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
luv2swim
Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 4:24 AM, April 1st (Friday)

backtobasics - you and I can join each other in the 2%.

Mine left and went directly to live with OW, though they had only know each other for a few weeks. It was the soulmate thing. They have been living together for a few years now, and are marrying next week.

I recently saw pictures of their engagement party, and a friend asked, as I was looking at the photos, if that was a man I would want to marry. I realized the answer was "NO!"

I wish for my ex, and his second wife, all they deserve.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married 24 years -
2 fantastic kids!

divorced 2009


D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married and still together (as far as I know).


Posts: 400 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
LoveHerStill
Member
Member # 31504
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, April 3rd (Sunday)

trixie2010

Thank you, that is what I hear all the time. She is the only woman I have ever loved, it is so hard to try to understand why she would let someone else come between us. We had a very loving marriage up until the last year. I am not sure why, but it seems that she just decided to stop loving me, and she detached emotionally from our marriage without ever telling me how she was feeling.

Through many months of IC, I have come to understand how things went awry in our marriage, of which I contributed my share, and I understand the dynamics of how affairs occur and how they believe that the OP is their soulmate and that they think that this is love, but I simply cannot get my mind around the fact that she would willfully destroy our marriage and pursue this new relationship. I do loose hope every day, but I still have hope that someday she will fully realize what we had and end their Affair.

It has been almost a year (April 11, 2010 D-day, and April 17th when she abandoned me and got an apartment with OM, where she lived with him for 4 months before the divorce was final). I am no longer going to cover for her infidelity, I am going to come clean with my family, and my friends. I don't believe I have a right to tell her family, but if they ask, I will tell them the truth. I have not heard a single word from any of them. I feel that as a betrayal as well.

If she ever wishes to return, I will determine based on her feelings whether or not she is truly remorseful or not before trying to reconcile. I do not want to go through this again.

In the meantime, I am still NC with her and I have been doing the 180 and for the most part, these two actions have alowed me to begin to heal and move on with my life. I don't obsess as often, it has become increasingly less and less with time, however, I do occasionally get trapped and feel the intense pain of betrayal and abandonment.

I am back in AA and have been alcohol and cigarette free for about 3 months now, and that has helped as well. I have told her this and given her the name of my sponsor so that she can verify, but she has not contacted him, although she did encourage me when she broke contact on my birthday.

Has anyone here reconciled with their ex-wife after they were divorced and living with the OP? How long were they with the OP before their Affair ended? Did it seem to be more difficult to R since they had pursued the Affair instead of trying to work on the marriage?
Were you able to forgive them?
I am finding it very hard to start dating as I still feel married, I believe that marriage is for life, and I still feel morally and spriitually obligated to it even though we are divorced, even though my faith allows divorce in the case of adultery and I have been absolved of the marital bond by my priest. I still feel like I would be cheating on her. I know that this is just something I need to leapfrog in my head because it really has no rational basis, it simply is the way I feel. Has anyone else felt this way?

ItsRocky,

I am so sorry for your pain, I feel thrown away as well. It is as if we were in the car driving through life and all of a sudden there was someone else in the car and my wife kicked me out of the car into the ditch and sped off leaving me to bleed to death on the side of the road, all alone and lost.

I am not sure how happy she is, she was always able to mask her true feelings and always put on the happy face, but I have not had any real contact for about two months now. I suggest you go completely NC with him. This has helped me tremendously. It is very hard at first but it gets much easier. In moments of weakness when I feel like contacting her, I call my family or friends and have them talk me out of it. Very effective as they remind you why it is important. When I went NC with my wife, I made it clear what my feelings toward her were and told her that I would remain open to her, but that she is not to contact me as long as she is with OM. I also told her not to approach me if she is out in public with OM as she would not like the outcome of the encounter. I told her I never want to meet the OM and that I will not attend any parties with our mutual friends if they are attending.

ZoeB,

I struggle with hope as well. My IC said that it is extremely important to detach emotionally from them for two reasons.

1) Until you do so, you will remain stuck in the pain of the past and reconciliation will fail while you are in your current state.

2) You need to protect yourself emotionally from any further harm caused by his poor behavior. YOU must do this, no one else can do it for you. If he chooses to just walk away, you will already be well on the way to healing.

My IC also said that it is OK to love them, you did nothing wrong and you do not need to decide to not love them if you wish. But do not confuse that with remaining stuck in the relationship unable to move beyond it and begin a new life. This is where I am at and it is so difficult to just let go of it, I know, i struggle with it daily still and it has been almost a year.

Go NC, I promise that you will be glad you did in a month.


Me BH-45 @ Dday
Her WW-44 @ Dday
Married-20yrs
Together-26yrs
D-Day 4/11/10
Divorced 9/13/2010
XWW Married OM 5/23/2011

It only hurts when I breathe.


Posts: 774 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Coeur d 'Alene, Idaho
LoveHerStill
Member
Member # 31504
Sad  Posted: 4:48 PM, April 3rd (Sunday)

dontwantthis,

How do you get over the fact that they are still with this person?

I struggle with this as well, she didn't even want to try to work on our marriage and lived with OM, for 4 months before our divorce was final. Ouch, that still hurts so very much

I hope that their relationship will fail. I cannot bring myself to feel otherwise, at least yet. I have been actively trying to forgive them through prayer and simply stating it aloud. It is very difficult to accept this unfair and cruel reality, but accept it we must. Just go NC with them, that is the only way out of the trap of feeling so horribly day after day. While you are still in contact, every time you contact them, it tears of the scab and the bleeding begins again. NC has allowed me to heal and the constant obsessing has subsided, It now only occurs occasionally and spaced more and more apart. NC keep you out of the trap of continually allowing yourself to be harmed. Detach, let go, I know I am still struggling with this, but I do see it's benefits now and I believe that I will get there in a couple months.


Me BH-45 @ Dday
Her WW-44 @ Dday
Married-20yrs
Together-26yrs
D-Day 4/11/10
Divorced 9/13/2010
XWW Married OM 5/23/2011

It only hurts when I breathe.


Posts: 774 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Coeur d 'Alene, Idaho
urwyfe
Member
Member # 29856
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, June 2nd (Thursday)

In 2008, my husband left me for the ow. After the storm, I took him back in 2009. I am still struggling. I dont think he fully understands the impact. I am truly struggling with trust. Sometimes I love him and other times I get flash backs and don't want him to touch me. When were apart, his mother supported me but in the end she started to pull
back from me. So at that time, I
didn't think I would ever take the WH
back. So, now I feel indifferent
towards his whole family. I just
tolerate them. How could you feel
comfortable with your son doing such
a selfish act. His own father
cheated on his mother too. I know I
have options and I'm not stuck. I just
feel alone even though we are back
together. How do you overcome this
feeling? I just feel irritated by him. If you understand how I feel, please comment.

[This message edited by urwyfe at 9:48 PM, June 2nd (Thursday)]


BW 48/WH 48 Married 8+ years
together 18+ years
DD#1 9/08, Reconciled 9/09
Cheating always ends in disaster! We were able to survive the aftermath!

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: NY
betrayedyoungman
Member
Member # 32346
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, June 7th (Tuesday)

I was asked to leave my STBXW a year ago, today. I flew from FL back home to MA. I didn't know of the affair (confirmed at least) until Feb, when she emailed me to let me know she had moved up to MA for a job. what she didn't tell me and what I soon confirmed, was that she moved up to MA from her hometown in FL to be with the OM. They have been together, based on my experience and everything I know now, for a year and a half. She moved up to be with him 6 months after she asked me for a divorce. They are still together. Wonder how long it will last.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jun 2011
adoreme4ever
New Member
Member # 32508
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, June 16th (Thursday)

Well, it's been nearly four years since I left my ex-husband due to his infidelity and immediately after I left he began seeing the other woman again, they quickly moved in together, they got married two years ago and have a year old son together. He and I have three sons, now ages 10, 8 and 4...life is much better than it was in the initial years...

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2011
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, June 17th (Friday)

Looks like I'm joining up to this thread too.

WW is leaving me for OM - we are just starting the S process.

Seems there are quite a few stories here of WS's and their AP's still being together years later. I know I need to work towards indifference on this matter, but its too early right now - I still want their relationship to hit the wall with a bang. However, I know that should not be my concern and I have better things to worry about that them.

Sucks big style though.


Divorced

Posts: 882 | Registered: Jan 2011
Feelnumb
Member
Member # 32242
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 17th (Friday)

Velveteer- I have seen several stories as well of the WS staying with the AP for some time after they've left their spouse, but I just don't believe that that is the norm in the large majority of cases.

Eventually a number of these must fall apart. HOW can a relationship that started on lies and deceit ever be really true and pure? It can't. They may be together, but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. More affairs, miserable communication, etc. etc.

When two dishonest people get together, how can there truly be bliss? I know I don't want to live that way, although it can be very frustrating to think of our WS's living a seemingly "happy" life with these people.


Me: BW- 33
Him: WH- 35
No kids
DDay- 3/2011
WH refused any reconciliation attempt. Separated.
Update- Filed for Divorce; should be final by 3/12

Posts: 219 | Registered: May 2011
WarpSpeed
Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 17th (Friday)

I'm a member of this club . . . but right through the divorce being final and her moving out of town I had NO IDEA I was a member of this club.

I came home to a note on the bed and an empty closet after a week away on business. She needed to "take care of her".

We had grown apart and had both contributed to the marriage becoming to folks living in the same house. I accepted my part of that and started working on me and begging her to talk.

She never did agree to talk . . . she had never once before talked about our marriage being in trouble . . . and she filed a month after walking out and we were divorced two months after that.

And . . . through all that I had no idea I was a member of this club.

So . . . a month or so after the divorce was final I started dating. She's five states away at this time. A month after I start dating, she finds out and THEN she wanted to talk. I broke up with the girl I was dating that day and flew to see WW.

That was when I found out she had reconnected with an old HS BF on FB and that was what she ran to.

We got remarried, on our 23rd anniversary, about a month later.

She wigged out . . . had lost her job, her youngest son to college and her dad to a nursing home . . . and stumbled into someone that told her what she wanted to hear and she just threw me away.

Lots of pain still . . . and a good marriage rebuilt to be even better. Funny how that works . . . lots of great times and lots of massive pain intermingled.


Me: BS (52) Her: fWW (51)Married 28 years
2 awesome sons graduated college in 2015
She left Jan 2010, She filed Mar 2010, Div final May 2010, She shared it was an A July 2010, Remarried Aug 2010

Posts: 1536 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
shangri-la
Member
Member # 31971
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, June 18th (Saturday)

it's horrible here isn't it?

In my mind, I have a whole list of arguments and reasons why their relationship is wrong and doomed to fail and yet it still niggles at me that it might be successful. Having these thoughts in themselves bugs me. I wish I didn't care what they do.


M 7years
WH 35
me, BW 34
dd 2/9/2011
separated
"Time shall unfold what plighted cunning hides:
Who cover faults, at last shame them derides."

Posts: 556 | Registered: Apr 2011
lonelyandblue
New Member
Member # 31542
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, June 19th (Sunday)

Oh boy I can relate to all of the posts. I am new to this but I did manage to write my story today. Although it's been 3 years since DDay I'm still not over it. I'm hoping that one day I'll wake up and just feel wonderful about everything. I feel old and ugly (he said he hated my stretch marks and that I refused to get a tummy tuck - not that he ever mentioned that before) now he is married to someone 15 years younger.


lonelyandblue

Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Florida
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, June 20th (Monday)

Feelnumb - I know what you mean and the 'statistics' do not give good odds on an A turning into a lasting relationship, and yet it does happen. A friend of mine was brought up by her mother and the AP.

I guess these are not the norm though. My WW is very flirty and always has been - she aint going to change (even this weekend she was out at a party and sitting on men's laps - I wasnt there but saw pics).

What happens the first time she pulls that shit with OM around. I knew her before we M and knew she was flirty - its part of who she is, and I also trusted her so the flirting was never that big a deal. OM on the other hand knows she is capable of lying and cheating. How long till they're checking each other's phones?

Anyway - as I said, this is NOT MY CONCERN. Indifference is the goal we must all work towards. Live well and forget about them.

There is a member on here whose sig I have adopted - "When a man tries to steal your wife, the best revenge is to let him have her"

Amen to that.


Divorced

Posts: 882 | Registered: Jan 2011
Feelnumb
Member
Member # 32242
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 20th (Monday)

I love that quote Velveteer. I think it's a really great attitude to have about all of this. It's that kind of thinking that has kept me from contacting OW. I wonder if she thinks about it all in the "if he's so great, why isn't she fighting harder?" kind of way...


I was talking to a woman recently whose husband left her and their young daughter for her best friend. The WS and best friend got married and continued to be together for the next 30 years.

Guess what- the WS and the "best friend" are now getting a divorce. She cheated on him.


Me: BW- 33
Him: WH- 35
No kids
DDay- 3/2011
WH refused any reconciliation attempt. Separated.
Update- Filed for Divorce; should be final by 3/12

Posts: 219 | Registered: May 2011
takinit
Member
Member # 27150
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

The divorce is now 18 months ago in the past. He has been with her for the past 3 years. They purchased a new beautiful huge house. Actually I think they deserve each other. Karma really does exist. She is repeating her pattern just like she did with her first and second marriages, now with my XH. He is repeating his hollow insecurity by being everything he thinks she wants him to be. I'm kinda sitting back watching how this is unfolding. From Afar. Its kind of like seeing a car crash. I am interested but can't get involved, mainly because it has such a high entertainment value. I really am happy to not be with him any longer. It really has made me stronger and wiser. One day we will all be able to look at this experience and be thankful for where we are. Life really will only get better for each and every one of us.


That was the past, this is Act II.

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: ND
luviswhereiamnot
New Member
Member # 32747
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, July 11th (Monday)

You can safely assume that any problems you had with the WS are the very ones they will have in their relationship with the OM/OW, but it will escalate faster because they've taken full-blown issues into that.

Usually we don't know until it blows up that it was blowing up. My ex still talks to me and admitted that they got into a fight about two weeks after the wedding and haven't had sex since, which is about a year and a half.

I shouldn't laugh, I know, but I do. It's predictable.

So even though I used to feel bad because I was in that less than 5% everyone said actually left, I feel better knowing that at least that cursed relationship is crap and likely to get worse and a complete failure that will end eventually.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Jul 2011
daisylvr
Member
Member # 31939
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 11th (Monday)

Wow, wish I could get to where the last 2 posters are. It is really hard to heal knowing WS is still with her. I'm 9 months from dday#1 and 6 months from dday #2 so i know I need more time. It's so hard to not focus on it, when I sit here trying to figure out how I'm suppose to move on with my life and he seems to have it all. I know it's not a healthy relationship because how it started, but boy it still hurts.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Apr 2011
purplefinch
Member
Member # 32471
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, July 12th (Tuesday)

So much of the messages on this forum have to do with people who are trying to reconcile, who have spouses who never moved out, etc.

I kicked mine out, but gave him an option to come back 2 weeks later. We tried MC, but he was continuing the affair. He is now shut down emotionally altogether, and is seemingly happy with her. He lies constantly, chronically, to everyone from me, to his daughter, to his best male friend and his parents. I really think its because he can't face what he has done and thinks going to the other bitch is easier than dealing with our 28 year long marriage. I have now accepted he won't be back. But it SUCKS. Sorry to all of you in the same boat, but I am glad that I am not alone in losing him to the OW.


Married 28 years, together 32; DD age 23
Me BW: 52
XWH: 54, liar
DDay 6/3/2011
skank-a-saurus: 48 yo FORMER friend of 30 years.
status: Divorced January 25, 2012!!

Posts: 674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Massachusetts
purplefinch
Member
Member # 32471
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, July 13th (Wednesday)

How many of you had your spouse tell you they still want to be friends? In my case, my stbxwh still wants to be "best friends". I told him I didn't think I could do that, and besides, I didn't know of a woman on this planet, even his OW, that would allow him to spend time with me as best friends do.

ETA: He replied with, "but it would have to be a condition of the relationship that I would still be able to spend time with you doing all the fun things we like to do together".

Yeah, like that is going to fly. or last. what an idiot.

[This message edited by purplefinch at 11:29 AM, July 13th (Wednesday)]


Married 28 years, together 32; DD age 23
Me BW: 52
XWH: 54, liar
DDay 6/3/2011
skank-a-saurus: 48 yo FORMER friend of 30 years.
status: Divorced January 25, 2012!!

Posts: 674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Massachusetts
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 13th (Wednesday)

Your d-day is REALLY new still. Telling people you're still friends allows him to look good to others.

How bad could things really have been if you're 'still friends'?

Wanting to hang out and such means - will you be available when Ow's not?

A condition of your marriage was that he didn't date - he didn't honor that, so f*ck his request for a condition of being besties.

Friends don't treat each other like shit.



Posts: 14579 | Registered: Jun 2008
1cewasthe1
Member
Member # 17671
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 13th (Wednesday)

Checking in very late to this little party.

S over 3 years ago, moved out 2 months later, OM moved in a month after that.

They got married a little less than 2 weeks ago and are on their honeymoon as I type this.

I actually hope things are good for them... because I can at least have some solace knowing that someone I loved so deeply is happy.

Yes, I despise what they did to me, and I do not want her in my life more than she has to be for DDs sake, but I did love her (still do in a way I suppose - I never would have taken a vow to love her forever if I didn't figure I could), and ultimately her happiness is important.

If only our WSs had loved us enough not to have hurt us in such a profound way.


I am who I am... and it will take me until the day I die to tell you exactly what that means.

Posts: 451 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Ontario, Canada
purplefinch
Member
Member # 32471
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, July 13th (Wednesday)

I agree - friends don't treat friends like shit. After all the lies he has been telling why would I want to spend time with him????? I think he says this to all his friends so he feels better about what he has done. They have all told him he is living in a dream world.


Married 28 years, together 32; DD age 23
Me BW: 52
XWH: 54, liar
DDay 6/3/2011
skank-a-saurus: 48 yo FORMER friend of 30 years.
status: Divorced January 25, 2012!!

Posts: 674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Massachusetts
luviswhereiamnot
New Member
Member # 32747
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, July 14th (Thursday)

Purplefinch - you know, I did stay friends with my WH. I had a lot of reasons for it. He had an EA until he left.

One of the reasons at the top of the list was that I knew it would make OW crazy. And it does. He did make it a condition of his relationship with her that he would be friends with me and spend whatever time he wanted.

I didn't want him anymore and knew R was not a possibility, despite the fact that I loved him - still do love him, just know we can't be M.

Revenge sometimes is just being the thing they fight about. I know it may be a warped viewpoint, but it's worked for me and freed me up more than anything else to move on with my life.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Jul 2011
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, July 14th (Thursday)

Hi there. I unfortunately belong in this forum too. He left me for OW but I didn't find out until 8 months after he left because he swore up and down that he and OW were done. I'm such an idiot for believing him. Anyway, we are in the middle of D right now. It seems that he and OW are broken up or taking a break or whatever, but he still does not want me back. Real self esteem boost for me.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 8&11
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1621 | Registered: Aug 2010
purplefinch
Member
Member # 32471
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 16th (Saturday)

Gosh I hate going through this. Today, I am bummed out because there's an incredible music festival that he wouldn't go to with me the last 2 years but of course, he is there with her today. Asshole. I hope he got sunburn on his feet.

I want nothing more than for them to crash and burn soon.


Married 28 years, together 32; DD age 23
Me BW: 52
XWH: 54, liar
DDay 6/3/2011
skank-a-saurus: 48 yo FORMER friend of 30 years.
status: Divorced January 25, 2012!!

Posts: 674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Massachusetts
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 16th (Saturday)

I know exactly what you mean purplefinch. EXACTLY!


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 8&11
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1621 | Registered: Aug 2010
daisylvr
Member
Member # 31939
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, July 16th (Saturday)

With you today purplefinch. My weekend with my kids and we had a good day with friends. It's tainted by me knowing he is with her. Try as hard as I might, I just can't get passed it. It hurts so much. The total disrespect for me and our marriage. He has taken her places he took me and ruined those places for me. He does this and wants us to be friends? Just can't stand any of it.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Apr 2011
CanISurvive
Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, July 19th (Tuesday)

I found out that my WW was quite upset in a counseling session months back because she realized she had lost me as a friend. How can I be friends with her when she's still with her OW? Wouldn't THAT be a fun dinner. She has her OW to cheer her up whenever she gets down, so I guess its np. Apparently they are quite happy, but I believe its partially because they are still "in the closet" to most people, and are enjoying keeping everything secret from members of each other's families. WW is moving to be closer to her OW's college.

I have to admit, I would probably smile and/or laugh if I at some future time one cheats on the other.

It sucks to be in so much pain, to be treated as a disposable object. To have all those years invalidated...to feel like you might not be worth keeping around. That the person you invested so much of your life and your self in could just walk away so easily.


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, July 19th (Tuesday)

CIS - I know exactly how you feel. That feeling of being disposable is the worst. If we would have at least had some input in all of this; if this wasn't the most selfish, unilateral decision; if they didn't decide by themselves and pretty much in secret to end our lives together, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. It would still be painful to end a M regardless, but this the worst way to do it.

It's hard, but part of me does believe that they don't walk away so easily. They will feel the impact of this at some point - we might never know it - but they will. They are living in their own hell right now - knowing that they are liars and cheaters who destroyed their families. Walk? They didn't walk. They ran. Unfortunately, they don't know that, instead of running from us, which is what they initially think, they are running from themselves. There's a reason that people say, "wherever you go, there you are." Can't run from yourself - they'll figure that out one day and that, in my opinion, will be a sweet, sweet day.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 3374 | Registered: Jan 2011
purplefinch
Member
Member # 32471
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, July 19th (Tuesday)

WOW CanISurvive and Suckstobeme, your words have hit home with me today. I do feel disposable. I just feel like he has thrown away 31 years of our lives. People tell me to remember we had a lot of good times and have a wonderful daughter as a result, and while that is true, I still feel like I've been discarded.

I do believe my stbxwh is having some internal strife but he is just not dealing with it except by drinking with the other hag/bitch and having a grand old time. As we go through mediation, his finances are deteriorating and I think he is starting to realize what a mess he's made. I sense a little bit of, not remorse or regret, but something that he is feeling badly. I hope that she is too but I doubt it. She won the cheating husband. Something to be really proud of. yeah.

And I don't know how I can be friends with him. He has his head so far up his ass he's seeing through his nostrils.


Married 28 years, together 32; DD age 23
Me BW: 52
XWH: 54, liar
DDay 6/3/2011
skank-a-saurus: 48 yo FORMER friend of 30 years.
status: Divorced January 25, 2012!!

Posts: 674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Massachusetts
daisylvr
Member
Member # 31939
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)

I know that disposal feeling oh so well. He decided to just throw it all away without even giving us chance. He made me feel like garbage.

I wonder how they can walk away so easily, without a look back. I had someone in my divorce support group (who's wife had cheated) say that my WS has to face myself in the mirror. I said it doesn't matter cause he thinks what he is doing is right. He said no, there is no way around it, there will come a time when he looks in the mirror and he WILL see himself. Like you say we probably won't know it.

I think the friends thing is just to help them feel well if she still my friend then I must not be a bad person. CanISurvive I agree with you, I can't be friends in the sense he wants as long as he is with OW. More cake eating, he wants her and my friendship.

[This message edited by daisylvr at 4:22 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 146 | Registered: Apr 2011
takinit
Member
Member # 27150
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, July 21st (Thursday)

It has been 1 year 7 months from the D, but it has been 3 years 7 months from the D day. With hindsight being 20/20 there are a few things I would have done differently, but not many. I too have struggled with the idea that I was garbage that was so easily disposed. I have now been able to move away from that notion. I'm telling you it has taken close to 4 years. I have a feeling that when I look back in a couple of more years, I think my wanting to change a few things will include the notion of thinking that I was disposable. Think of this thought objectively. If this was your sister, brother, friend, and they told you that they feel disposable. I know my response will be to remind them that they are important and that she, he is valuable. I know it doesn't stop us from feeling this way because that is how each of us has been treated. But it is like taking advice from a person who knows nothing about what they are advising on. I need everyone here to remember that they are important, each and every one of you have a special value.
A friend of mine once told me that life isn't about finding yourself....it is about creating yourself. Heck, each and everyone of us has been given a chance to create the true, real person that we are meant to be. We also have a front row seat in seeing from our X's on exactly NOT how to do it!


That was the past, this is Act II.

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: ND
WarpSpeed
Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 24th (Sunday)

CIS - I know exactly how you feel. That feeling of being disposable is the worst. If we would have at least had some input in all of this; if this wasn't the most selfish, unilateral decision; if they didn't decide by themselves and pretty much in secret to end our lives together, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. It would still be painful to end a M regardless, but this the worst way to do it.

My wife left me for her old HS BF. However, I had no idea that it was anything other than her leaving a marriage that she thought was bad and didn't want to fix.

Short time line . . .

End of Jan 2010 found a note on my bed and closet empty. Basically got the "I need to take care of me" speech.

First of March 2010 she filed.

First of May 2010 divorce was final.

End of May 2010 she moved back home to Florida.

Mid July last year I was dating, and she found out and THAT is when she told me she had not just divorced me but was running to a fantasy life with old HS BF.

Shockingly The fantasy disappeared give a bit of time and that was when she finally emerged from her fog and decided maybe we should talk.

It was an incredibly selfish and unilateral decision . . . made in the midst of a pretty major midlife crisis . . . and it was stupid.

Fortunately for her/us . . . I love her . . . and we worked through it . . . and we got remarried last August on our 23rd anniversary.

I still hate feeling disposable. I still hate that she could be that selfish. But, I still love her and she's working awfully hard to fix the broken parts in her that led to the massively painful shitstorm she through us into.


Me: BS (52) Her: fWW (51)Married 28 years
2 awesome sons graduated college in 2015
She left Jan 2010, She filed Mar 2010, Div final May 2010, She shared it was an A July 2010, Remarried Aug 2010

Posts: 1536 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
purplefinch
Member
Member # 32471
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, July 25th (Monday)

Congratulations, I hope it works out for you, WarpSpeed.

I kinda hold out a little hope in the back of my broken heart that this too may happen for me. Just a smidgen.

Best of luck.


Married 28 years, together 32; DD age 23
Me BW: 52
XWH: 54, liar
DDay 6/3/2011
skank-a-saurus: 48 yo FORMER friend of 30 years.
status: Divorced January 25, 2012!!

Posts: 674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Massachusetts
CanISurvive
Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, July 27th (Wednesday)

WarpSpeed:

Glad to hear she defogged and is doing the work. I wish u the best of luck at reforging a new/different relationship with her, that it is stronger than before, and that you both get to a much better place.

(((WarpSpeed)))


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
CanISurvive
Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, July 27th (Wednesday)

WarpSpeed:

Glad to hear she defogged and is doing the work. I wish u the best of luck at reforging a new/different relationship with her, that it is stronger than before, and that you both get to a much better place.

(((WarpSpeed)))


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
CanISurvive
Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, July 27th (Wednesday)

Crickey...sry 4 the dbl post...


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
takinit
Member
Member # 27150
Evil  Posted: 2:06 PM, July 29th (Friday)

I'm not sure if I am in legal trouble or not, but in a small revenge like way, I am smirking.

Back in '08 when I just found out about D-bag and C-words affair, I was looking for some sort of support online. (Before I found SI). I went to divorce360 and posted my story. In that story, I was asked about my greatest fear. I stated that I was afraid of C-word (I used her full name) having contact with my innocent daughter.
I checked my email and my X posted that I need to remove my blog because I used C-words name and it is just plain wrong.
I have to laugh because it has been up for 3 years and when her name is googled my blog comes up as the third website. Needless to say, I have removed her full name in my story and refer to her as the OW. They can come after me with a lawsuit, but I didn't write anything false. I was just expressing a fear. Let me know what you think...........


That was the past, this is Act II.

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: ND
CanISurvive
Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, August 1st (Monday)

It was probably wise to remove her name.

I do not know what legal grounds they'd use to go after you. I may be wrong, but I think slander only applies if you are wrongfully besmirching someone's good name with lies or hearsay...I don't know if they can complain because your blog revealed that you were upset at the possibility of the OW interacting with your daughter and/or the affair.

That said, frivolous lawsuits eat up money just like legitimate ones, so I still stand by removing the full name.

[This message edited by CanISurvive at 6:58 AM, August 2nd (Tuesday)]


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos