I was 5 months preganant with number 4 when I found out about H's last EA I lost it. I am still struggling with being pregnant this baby feels very tainted and it's hard for me to enjoy it at all. Hoping it will get better as time goes on or it's born I really don't know at this point.

I am very glad we all have a place now it seems like this is a common time for a A to happen as bad as that is.

I did find out that my due date is 8 dates after OW's birthday. Not too thrilled about that...OW on the other hand is chomping at the bit to see me give birth early, because it would be "hilarious".

I'm having a hard time right now because I've just been put on bedrest until I hit fullterm or til the baby comes. I have less than 6 weeks until my c-section. I'm having a hard time because right about now in my last pregnancy is when my H got involved with the OW. I'm triggering like crazy over here.

It was tough for those last two months of the pregnancy, and her first couple of months after being born. At first I had no interest in her. That wasn't helped much by her spending the first week in a special care baby unit so I didn't get much bonding time in the early days. When I looked at her I sometimes (much as I am ashamed to say it now) wished I didn't have her so I could be free to make up my mind about whether to stay with my fiance or not without having to worry about her. It was a very difficult time so I feel a lot of pain for all of you going through this.

I just last week had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy, so the last few days I've been on a downer from those pregnancy hormones decreasing again. It stirred up a lot of painful thoughts about the affair, because OW had an abortion. Me having to have the embryo removed was like an abortion, even though I had no choice in the matter. It made me think about OW, the fact that she had her abortion almost exactly the same time last year.

I'm still feeling a bit low due to the current downwards turn on the rollercoaster, but I'm glad to say that I love my little girl more than ever. And hard as it it still sometimes, I'm very glad that she contributed in my decision to stay with my fiance, because I really believe he is a changed man.

Glad to see some of you found this group though makes it a bit easier not to be alone in this.

I am about nine weeks pregnant. This baby is very much a surprise 'oops', but we are excited about this new chapter in our lives. This is our first child, so it is entirely new and different to us.

Currently my hormones are magnifing the rollercoaster. I feel very vulnerable a lot of the time. Again, I'm really glad this was started ... now I have someone to share these feelings with.

After the baby was born she was diagnosed with spinal menigitis. The doctors suspected that she got it from the herpes virus (from my H's A) and so she had to go on a week long treatment of IV drugs extra testing etc. That was hard. It turned out that she didn't have the herpes virus but when I think about all of the extra needle sticks and testing that she had to go through I just want to throttle my H. (One of the test required her to be sedated and when she came off of the sedation she had siezures -- docs wouldn't have ran the test had there been no history of A) I digress.

Now she is almost six months old and doing great no long term complications but now I am hitting the worst part of my recovery. We are in R, but I feel like I am FINALLY losing it. I knew that it would come -- but the last few weeks have been the worst.

Can anyone relate?

[This message edited by searching for me at 9:34 PM, May 31st (Thursday)]

[This message edited by Jenny82 at 7:13 AM, June 3rd (Sunday)]

I can't imagine how tough it must be for you not having him around at this time. I totally agree about you not doing a paternity test until the baby is born.

Are you taking care of yourself? Have you got friends and family around to support you?

Sorry you are faced with going it alone I do agree to wait until after.

I am doing a bit better lately can actually talk about names without having a panic attack. The group is new I am sure it will pick up a bit I am just so happy the mods put this here for us.

try to eat little and often if you can. Easier said than done I know.

My daughter has been waking up much more at night lately. I hate that because in the middle of the night I can't help but think about the A and I can feel the resentment building up. By the morning I'm like a volcano waiting to erupt sometimes, and I have to spend half of the day trying to feel normal.

Dday#2 was a couple weekends ago, and full disclosure has revealed that the A never stopped (well, maybe it stopped for a week or two), but they wasted no time picking it back up.

WH is much more remorseful this time around, he insists that the A was dying out anyway, plus OW is moving to another group at the end of this month, etc etc.

I have absolutely ZERO regrets about this pregnancy. I fully understood that there was a risk of him continuing the A, and I made the conscious decision to go ahead and continue our efforts to get pregnant because *I* wanted another baby. I have no problem raising two kids on my own if it comes to that down the road.

That said, what scares me the most about this baby right now is looking back on his/her conception/pregnancy as the WORST year of my life. My mom is always saying stuff to me on my birthday about Oh... I remember being so excited in the weeks leading up to your birth, etc etc. Am I going to look at this baby 30-some-odd years from now and remember going through this hell? Or worse... am I going to look at my newborn, sleeping peacefully in a crib by this time next week, and feel a post-partum hormonal surge of sadness because the whole year of our "trying" plus my entire pregnancy is somehow tainted?

When our son was born, I remember feeling like it was OUR baby, OUR celebration, OUR story of life together, etc. Now I feel like this is MY baby... WH is somehow still here, and he had a role in it, but I'm feeling really detached emotionally from him at the moment.

[This message edited by ms521 at 2:24 PM, June 11th (Monday)]

Having a new bambino in June 2009!

This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree

I've been on such a rollercoaster of emotions, but I've never really broken down. I haven't cried, haven't screamed, nothing. I'm really worried that one day soon I'm just going to crack. Am I still in shock?

This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree

brsmith,
you mean you've never cried? WOW! I can't help myself - all these hormones and stuff. I don't know if you're in shock or just too busy with the new baby and everything to take some time for your feelings to register. How are you getting through this?

Welcome to the new members sorry to find you in this thread but glad you found us.

I am doing a little better we actually picked names now. I have about 7 weeks to go hoping things will get better either before or after the birth. I haven't done anything yet though no crib up, baby clothes still need to be gone through ect ect.

Sending hugs to all the members in this thread think we could all use it.

My due date is Aug 12 via C-section so I expect delivery around the 4th. We don't know what the sex is they won't tell here due to cultural issues.

Maybe that's it -- I'm just numb? I don't have any other explanation.

This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree

I'm due July 20th, It's going to be my second boy and I am having a c-section (or so planned...) Haven't decided on a name yet...

Our continuous issue is money. Wednesday, he was going to take care of everything; no need for welfare he said; I'll have a check to you by Friday,he said. Friday, no check...it'll be there tomorrow; he also said that he'll do what he needs to to help me get welfare; he did drop off some cash though. When I asked him about it, he said that I'm not satisfied with anything. That's not it, I believe that if you say something, you should have some follow through. He's never had it before, why would I expect it now. He's quit me just like everything else in his life.

He's taking our daughter today for father's day. Please help me get through this. It's like the beginning of the visitations now.

I was 5 months pg with #5 when I had found out about my FWH's EA. Hurt like hell. I lost it. The day after her birth, it ALL came flooding back. She is supposed to be out last baby and I get to look back on all that! Before I found out he didn't even want our daughter (and a few of the other kids). Although we are reconciled, I feel like he owes me and that I deserve another chance to have a happy pregnancy. I want more children and he doesn't but I feel that he should suck it up and give me what I want. Wrong line of thinking I know. Has anyone ever felt like that??

30
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I wish for all of us on this board to just have the ability to forget what has been going on. It would be so much easier to just focus on having our babies. I guess I am kind of lucky. My fiance is literally thrilled to become a father. He is getting scared though because the time is coming lol. When he is at work (he works nights), he constantly checks up on me to see if I am ok. I think he's worried that one night he will go into work and I'll go into labor!

Affairs are hard enough without being forced into having the joy that you should feel with a pregnancy/baby being tainted by all this. It makes me so sad to see all of you that have been robbed of so much by the thoughtless actions of your husbands.

I'm an old member of this group. I just wanted to share a brief look at my story and what did happen to me after the pregnant and betrayed part of my life.

I did have D-day while I was pregnant with my son. Hit like a ton of bricks and hurt so bad. I lost weight, felt disconnected to my child, and completely cheated out of my pregnancy and being happy and all that goes with it. Why couldn't my husband just CHERISH me while I was carrying his child. Why throw me away and treat me like dirt?

My husband decided to leave a few weeks after d-day. He did a fake R. He just filed for divorce and left me alone in the house at 7 months. I had been alone anyways while he was out with his As but this time he had taken all his clothes out of the closet and up and left for good. I hurt so much and didn't care about myself. My baby was probably the only reason that I kept going. I kept saying it wasn't fair to him if I gave up too.

I ended up having my son alone. Being technically married but alone in the hospital was so surreal. Having a newborn by myself was so hard. I kept telling myself, it isn't suppossed to be like this. I could never wrap my head around why my XH chose a married older woman over us. Nothing I did... deserved what he did to me.. to our child.

So I hit the anger stage and it took about a year to divorce. My son was 8months old at that time when my marriage ended. My XH sent in child support but we got nothing else, no extras, no gifts, no nothing.

To make a long story short. I did meet someone wonderful. He's been a wonderful dad to my son and now we have a daughter together. I did get that dream pregnancy. My XH still doesn't get it. I am amazed how far I have come. We didn't miss my XH because he had never been around anyways. You can't miss what you never had!

Anyways, I'm sort of glad that things happened this way. I'm much more happier now than I was with my XH. It was a blessing in disguise. Now, looking back.. I wish I would have left the moment I found out I was pregnant. I would have left HIS A$$!!

Remember, everything happens for a reason. You might not see the big picture now but later on you might. In the end, if my XH was stupid enough to file for divorce and lose us and to treat my son and I so badly and to pick the OW over us .. then that was my sign that I couldn't go back to that nor raise my child with him. It was just too much.

I made it, and so can you! Love your babies!

I think one of the hardest parts in addition to mourning the joy I should have been able to feel about being pregnant, was that when we decided to R, I put a lot of stuff on hold so I could get through the pregnancy and keep the baby healthy.

After our son was born, a lot of unresolved issues bubbled up again. He's about three months old now and we're in a much better place, but I still struggle sometimes (like today while reading these posts).

The instructions on the side of antibiotic ointment say not to use it on puncture wounds. This is because the danger is you'll heal the surface, but leave the deep wound unhealed and festering. That's the risk I think we take when we're pregnant and discover infidelity. Biologically, our bodies want us whole and happy and so sometimes the mind is happy to comply... for a while.

Anyway, my love to all of you.

My little guy is coming by c-section on July 6 unless I go into labor sooner. I'm on bedrest right now to prevent that, but I'll be full term (37 weeks) this weekend and it will be safe for him to come.

I'm having a very hard time lately, even though my husband has been doing pretty good on his end. I'm so worried about life going back to what it was when he was involved with OW (while I was pregnant with our older son and in the first few months after he was born) and any time I have even the slightest reason to think that that is happening I totally flip out. We had been doing so well with everything, but I get more and more paranoid the closer I get to delivery.

This week has been really bad.

Wow, what you went through with your first husband was terrible! But it's good that you were able to find somebody else and have the pregnancy you should've had. If I was ever in your shoes, I'd think one failed marriage is one too many.

Me-BS 36
Him-FWH 37
Married 13yrs/together 18
Kids D-7 S-2
D-Day 5/15/07
In R

Me-BS 36
Him-FWH 37
Married 13yrs/together 18
Kids D-7 S-2
D-Day 5/15/07
In R

This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree

((hugs)))

I am about a month from my c-section now. We set up the crib and went through all the newborn stuff this weekend triggering me big time so was a really crappy long weekend. I know it had to be done and somehow I know I need to accept this baby but I am so not there yet. Anyways hope all are doing.

I can't even imagine being betrayed then going it alone. Glad you have your parents there for some support.

Sending strength

This was not my choice, but it will not be my undoing either. ~~yewtree

About the other stuff, wow- that is really cold and insensitive! I'm so sorry your hospital stay and labor were interrupted with HIS issues! That's awful!

Why does he want to stay over a few nights a week? Did he say? Is he trying to win you back or what?

Take care of yourself sweetie and keep in touch.

I am really sorry about the situation with your WH. I am 22 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. I found out about my WH's A in late March '07, denial.. denial.. denial.. went through 3 confrontations before I set the laptop in front of him with the 'VIVID' proof. That was May 18th... nothing has been the same since.

Hope I'm not out of line posting here - our son is 21 months old, so we are still somewhat "new" parents.

Nothing could take me away from my son except a body bag, I just don't understand these guys who think some slut is more important than their own kids, especially newborns and little ones on the way.

I discovered my WW's online affair after only 3 weeks, thank God. During that time she was not only gaslighting me, treating me like crap, and ignoring me, she was ignoring our little son as well. When he would see her pick up her phone, he would go hit her! This child hardly hits at all otherwise. And he was asking for her all the time, and she would tell him, Go find your Daddy, go play with Daddy.

From the moment she came out of the fog, she was just sickened at how she had treated me and abandoned our family (emotionally) while she was getting her fantasy fun online. She was a really good mother before her stupid A, but is possibly even better now that she is back on planet Earth.

There can be hope for waywards if they pull their heads out of the asses for long enough to see how they are destroying their and everyone else's lives.

Best of luck to everyone.

Since my first suspicion of my WH's A, my emotional status has been like riding an endless roller coaster while wanting to get off the ride.

I sought counceling, that was not of great help. I was told to talk to my WH and tell him what I wanted. I was told I was feeling everything I was suppose to and to make an appointment whenever I wanted to talk about things. that didn't really sit well with me.. so I have been trying to handle this on my own.

One of my biggest fears is that baby girl is going to be affected emotionally as well or that the bond between her and her daddy will be affected.

This is baby number 4 for me... our first baby together. and of course when I think about the A and realize that we conceived Baby Girl that same time the OW came into our life.. it hurts like hell....

In one of the first DENIAL confrontations, WH even told me to go get an abortion... i don't think i need to tell anyone how that made me feel...

I often wonder what lesson I am suppose to be learning from this situation. Because I am not getting it!!!

Like many of us here... I have never felt this pain before and just when i think it is starting to go away.. it surfaces again.

I try and trust.. I try not to think about it.. then all the sudden something he says or something I see or read or hear makes me think of it all again. Like ripping a bandaid off of a fresh wound and making it worse.

I know it has only been a couple of months.. but I have a baby to think about very soon..

How do I get trust back?
How do I express happiness like the 180 says to when all i feel is sadness?
I try and go on a car ride when I feel an emotional outburst coming and do all my crying and screaming before pulling back into the driveway.

So many questions and not enough answers.

How do you get through it? When do the rollercoaster rides come to a stop?
When do I get to be happy again?

I understand the tainted feeling. It has been very difficult to enjoy this pregnancy, which makes me feel guilty.

I wonder if the hormones are playing a big part of it.. and what it will be like after my lil princess joins us. The selfish part of me hopes he has a rotten relationship with her, but that is me being really really selfish. I just want him to hurt. In the beginning, I didn't. I wanted him to figure out why he did it. But now I realize all the words he said and the the things he did where just his way of shutting me up. My gut says it is still going on.. just no longer visiable to me. Everything is still so secret and when I talk to him about it... well I am selfish. I guess that is called gaslighting.

How are you holding it together? :)

What do I do when the WH doesn't want to change? I guess I already know the answer to that. It just hurts even worse to think about that outcome.

What do I do when the WH doesn't want to change?

Our son has been settling down a bit more. Just after DDay (which basically began our R, WW was shocked out of the fog), DS realized that Mommy was "back" with us emotionally, and was very clingy with her and affectionate. It was nice to see him that way with her, as he has always been 100% Daddy's Boy.

Things are getting more back to normal with him now. He is still closest with Daddy, but showing a lot more attention to her than pre-A. I think she was a bit emotionally unavailable even then, perhaps. Also, my work schedule (mostly nights & weekends) allows me to do the lion's share of the childcare 9 months of the year, so he & I have spent most of his young life together.

He & I are both just so glad to have her back. 1st MC session was yesterday & went well. Hoping there is hope for us.

Do you ever wish they (the WSO) would have some flashing moment that they realize what they did and come crawling back? I know this happens for some. I wonder what their relationships had that mine doesn't.

I am having a particularly rough time tonight because my WH is mad at me and decided to not come home tonight. He decided to stay at a hotel by work. If I knew which one I would go up there without a hesitation. But I guess I am not suppose to.

Self worth is a tough value to determine. I know I don't want to hurt but I love my WH so much that I want him even knowing that this may be something I have to learn to accept. Sick huh! I don't know how to explain it... He really means the world to me. But I guess I don't to him. That is were the sadness kicks in.

He also is jaundiced (which is minor in comparison to his other issues) so he's also on phototherapy.

He was born full term, but he's just a very sick little boy. Fortunately my husband has been amazing through this. We're going to the hospital 3 times a day to be with our new son, but it's hard. We can't hold him much because of all the monitoring and just looking at him hooked up to everything makes me cry all the time.

I'd so appreciate your kind thoughts in his direction.

You folks are the greatest. I sure appreciate the votes of confidence. D-Day was not quite a week ago, so I'm still struggling quite a bit, and sometimes I feel like things will never be "right" again.

I do love my wife more than anything, though, and she's really turned things around (as far as I can tell - it's still hard to trust too much).

Little Man has been an angel from the moment he was born, and he is still the sweetest thing I've ever seen. I hate for us to be putting him through this, but am glad he is small enough that he won't remember. We try to keep our A conversations to when he is in bed, of course, but still.

It really is awesome that you two are doing so well.

And bless that little man of yours. What a wonderful joy to have him during the tough times.

Like I told my WW, whatever issues we may have had in our marriage, our son had nothing to do with them. He played absolutely NO role in what's going on, and he deserves so much more than what he's gotten - a mommy who was ignoring him because her family was getting in the way of her busy internet life (and PHONE, my God, the hours she was spending on the phone with OM are staggering), and now a daddy who is devastated and broken hearted. The MC says we will all be okay, but I still hate all of it.

D-Day was not quite a week ago, so I'm still struggling quite a bit, and sometimes I feel like things will never be "right" again

(((Virgofire))) You remind me of me. I completely understand this:

Self worth is a tough value to determine. I know I don't want to hurt but I love my WH so much that I want him even knowing that this may be something I have to learn to accept....(and this)....Do you ever wish they (the WSO) would have some flashing moment that they realize what they did and come crawling back? I know this happens for some. I wonder what their relationships had that mine doesn't.

Had a 2nd DDay on 7/15 when the REST of the story of WW online EA came out. Turns out they were cyber-sexing like crazy, even while we were AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE on vacation! Yuck, how disgusting is that?

Starting R over again *sigh* and it's going well. She has truly been remorseful from DDay #1, but was scared to tell me about the sex for fear of losing me. I told her the lies and deceit are worse.

She said that now that all the skeletons are out of the closet, she can actually breathe deeply again, she felt like she couldn't breathe all during the A and after, until now.

She has definitely been doing everything she's supposed to and then some. I truly believe she is a good woman who made a horrible (3-week long) mistake.

For us and for our little son, I keep believing we can make this work. I still love her so much.

Hope you and your young ones are all well.

She does care desperately about having a healthy and intact family, as both her parents were/are crazy (literally) and her mom had affairs on her dad and deserted the family when FWW was only 4 years old. So she has a major investment in rebuilding our family. She also claims to be desperately in love with me, which can be hard for me to believe since she had the A.

A lot of the time I *think* we can work everything through, but sometimes I really feel hopeless about it all.

Things getting better with us, I think. She's been really upset that I stopped wearing my wedding band, and suggested that she get me a new one, to symbolize a new beginning for our M - a titanium band, indestructible. And she is starting IC in a week (she has been anxious to go, just waiting for the referral from our MC).

Off to the hospital nursery again, to see our tiny little beautiful boy. :)

(((Momofthree))) I'm so glad things are going well for you also. That's great news.
Now if I could just start eating healthier and like my body...

Best of luck to you; I think it's great things are going well.

I am getting pretty close now scheduled C on Aug 2 but contracting like crazy so I might not make it that long.

Getting pretty antsy about ppd I had it last time and that's when life was much more stable. My H is taking paternity leave to help me through so that's good not money wise but good to have the help. I am just hoping I don't spiral down. Getting better about accepting this baby too not feeling as disconnected as I was H asks me not alot but how I am feeling my honest answer is I am not sure so hoping once I see it will feel better.

I haven't been able to kiss her since. I just feel sick.

Trying to hold it together, especially for our little boys. New baby is very sweet & snuggly, easy-going, good baby.

Wish my wife were a Good Wife.

She had gone NC (without a letter) with OW as well as sending NC letter to OM. OW kept pushing it, though, seemed convinced they had "something special" together so wife finally wrote her a NC email and sent it in front of me yesterday.

Amusing that she didn't tell OM about OW. She did mention OM to OW, though - who still thought they had something "special" - lol, FWW had a husband and an OM, and she felt "special?"

My wife is now being treated for bipolar disorder. Her As happened during her first full-blown manic episode.

Hoping we'll pull through yet. She's sought treatment & is religious about taking her medications....

anyone out there?

(((MZ)))
Yes, I'm here. I read your post in JFO too- I am so so sorry you had that traumatic experience! Why did she show up? To blow up his spot? To upset you? Do you *know* why? No matter what, it's excruciating! I'm so sorry you have found yourself here, hurtin so much. But I do know that making decisions and small stands for yourself each day will lessen the pain. I promise you the pain will start to subside. Now...has he stopped all contact? Is he willing to work on this? Is this what you want to do?
Are you clear about what you need from him to progress in this relationship? Have you thought about your boundaries, or "must-haves"? Where are you in this whole process?
I just hope that you are OK. I know how overwhelming the pain and sorrow can be. Like some very good friends told me (and I *didn't* want to hear)- it's NOT about you anymore- it's about that baby. What is best for HIM? Is it staying there? Can the relationship be stable and secure? Will you be a happy and giving mother if you stay? No judgments, no 2x4's, just asking some questions you may or may not have been mulling over. But they are important. I hope you have the loving support of your son's father.
Let me know you're OK.
-NoC

Things have been better for us recently, although I'm having a rough time tonight (which means that it's a rough night for her too). And we have an overnight houseguest.

Nights are often a trigger for me, since so much of her tacky cyber-affair took place at night, with me sitting in the same damn room. So sometimes we'll have a pretty good day, and once it's night time, I start to trigger again.

After all, the most recent D-Day was July 25, I've been through the wringer over and over again.

Seems like all the horrible details are probably out now. FWW is so much more relaxed than she has since before her As started.

I have told her that I am perfectly willing to be supportive and helpful with her bipolar. The way I put it was, "I can give you In Sickness And In Health if you can give me Forsaking All Others." I can't do infidelity again. That's the worst pain I have felt in my 42 years of life.

one day at a time... I've lost 12 pounds during this pregnancy due to the stress of my marriage.

Having a new bambino in June 2009!

Hormones and sheer misery, I think. Sometimes I cry while I'm holding our 3 week old son and he's asleep on my chest.

FWW is being wonderful, really wonderful. I am just in an emotional abyss. I saw a psychologist this morning and our MC an hour later, as all are worried about my mental health (I have been feeling suicidal). Have an appt with a psychiatrist on Monday.

Somedays my little boys are the only thing that keep me going, literally.

Again, FWW has been nothing but supportive, loving, transparent, remorseful, everything. She's working on her issues, taking her meds religiously, etc. I just can't stop thinking that she doesn't really love me, that she wants R because of the kids and because she feels guilty for causing me so much hellish pain. It just seems to me that if you love someone, truly love them, you would never put them through this kind of misery.

Rambling tonight, and sorry about that. Baby asleep on my chest, which is the only thing that ever makes me feel anything like "good" sometimes.

Hope everyone else is doing okay tonight.

I found out I was pregnant just 2 days after dday. I bounced back and forth between abortion or keeping the baby for the 1st month I knew I was pregnant even thoguh I've been prolife my whole life.

Anyway, I've posted here before, but I just wanted to update you all who helped me a few months ago. I no longer have any resentments against the baby - I was feeling negative things about having the baby after a dday, but things have improved A LOT between WH and I. I know that this birth of our 2nd child will be different than our 1st (b/c of the A) but somehow I am getting thru.

I really hope that after I give birth, I won't become depressed.

I just wanted to ask thsoe of you who have given birth, were you more emotional b/c of the dday and A???

I'm so sorry. you're not alone. After dday1 I felt suicidal and even more so on dday2 and my daughter and my unborn babies (now 5 wks) were what kept me alive. It's gotten better since then and I can promise you that things will get better even though now it doesn't feel like it.

I'm sorry that you're here, but I'm glad you found us. This group has helped me thru many dark times.

Saw psych today & am on new meds. I'm hoping they'll help more. Things have been "good" between FWW & me, although I'm struggling so much every day.

Hope you and your little ones are all doing well - the baby is now 4 weeks old, has grown 3 inches longer but hasn't gained a full pound yet, lol. He's not quite up to the birth weight of our 1st baby.

And his big brother (22 months) adores him - kisses the baby all the time, always "reminds" us not to forget the baby when we go anywhere, etc. Sweet little boys.

My wife had her first A (that I know of) when our baby was about 6 months old. She had a ONS with a guy who was co-house sitting her parent's while they were on a cruise. I had to stay home so I could work, if I had been there with her .... anyway that's a train of thought I dare not pursue.

I thought we were in real R after she confessed to the first A but then it turns out she started another A only 4 months later. This 2nd A went on semi-regularly for 3 solid months before I busted her (first clue being excessive text messages). She lied to me every step of the way on the 2nd on- gaslight all the way. For a full week I thought it was only EA not PA. Then I learned the truth and things have been absolutely motherfucking crazy since then.

We've been separated for what, 3 days now? She is staying with her family. With an agreed two weeks to go before she makes any attempt to come home. I don't know at this point if she will come home or even if I want her to.

So we are splitting time with our now 14-month old girl as best as we can. It's incredibly hard.

The thing that blows my mind is the prospect of being a single parent. For a couple of weeks, sure I can deal, but PERMANENTLY!? It's just so overwhelming if I think about that too much.

I love my little girl beyond all belief.

We didn't have the little baby then, but older son was only 20 months old, and she wouldn't have anything to do with him - he was too much of an interruption to her busy online life!

I have told her I will have FULL custody of our boys - she treated older son like an inconvenience IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS - how incredibly stupid was that?!?!? - while we were visiting them for a week. She was too busy sex-texting POS OM to be bothered with her little boy.

I'd be willing to be a single dad to a toddler & a newborn if I had to. It would be WAY better for them than being with HER.

I figure that if he isn't going to be there for me and have the decency to break it off now, then he never will.

I'm scared out my mind at the prospect of raising two babies on my own, but I know that I will be in a much better place emotionally and mentally to do that if I'm not with WH. I just can't fathom why he could walk away from it all. I think that it's harder to be on your own when you are pregnant, there's no one to give you back rubs and get you snacks. That part I will certainly miss.

I'm so sorry. I just had my babies and I've been thorugh my own emotional rollercoaster with FWH. Do you have any other support at this time? Anyone who can help you with your son and with your pregnancy?

So he married OW. And got her pregnant months after he left. They now have a new baby. In addition to her other 2.

That's okay.

He hasn't been much of a father to our DD. I just thank God that I didn't get pregnant again. I'm sure it would have been a blessing, but we had actually had some unprotected sex about a month before D-Day and planned on having another.

It's a year and a half out.

It's been hard. I had nursing trouble. Post-partum. Had to go back to work.

I've been really depressed.

Things have been hard.

I wouldn't trade my daughter for the world.

The one good thing I got out the marriage.

And what's weird is that raising my daughter by myself is easier in a lot of ways than raising her with someone who didn't care.

It was actually easier because I had one less child to take care of, and he wasn't contributing anyway.

I mean it sucks sometimes. I never planned on being a single mom. I was married, and this baby was planned.

But I've realized that despite the setbacks I sometimes have... I CAN do anything. I CAN support myself and my child. I CAN be and am a great mom.

My dday was 12-18-06. I found out 2 days after dday that I was pregnant w/ our 2nd. We had been trying for a 2nd child - I thought things were going well since he NEVER told me anything was wrong and gave no signs.

Anyway, I've been very emotional. We were in MC for 8 months (last session was just a week before baby came). Our communication had been improving and talk of the A hardly ever happened.... but I guess it's the hormones. I've brought up the A many times in the last 12 days -- probably more than I had in 2 months. WH is being nice, but everything he says and does annoys me. I just am still in shock when I think about what he did. I look at my baby girl sometimes and just cry.

Nursing and her sleeping have been going well and I feel okay overall. My greatest fear was that I would resent my baby or that I wouldn't bond, but I do feel very close to her... it's Wh that I don't feel close to... I think about moving out. I think that he doesn't deserve our son or our daughter in his life... but he's been amazing. he took off 2 weeks from work and has done all the chores and taken care of our toddler son 24/7 while I am nursing and caring for our daughter. He gets up for EVERY feeding and sits w/ me and he has let me vent and cry. We did have a tiff the other night over something stupid... could've been b/c of lack of sleep. Anyway, I know this post is just a mess, but I wanted to say that I'm scared that NOW that my daughter is HERE, I can't stay w/ WH even though he's saying and doing everything right... somehow I hoped that our daughter would bring us closer together. After our son was born, I felt SO CLOSE to my husband.... it was incredible. I don't feel taht way this time and it's very very sad.

[This message edited by A woman lied to at 6:41 PM, September 3rd (Monday)]

welcome sorry u're here. I'm 8 months preg and I feel alone as well. my fiance and I have been together for a long time so I can't tell our families about everything while everyones so excited about the baby but I really wanna dump him. I think he is callin women from our house phone and one even showed up at our door. so I can understand how u feel. the only thing that helps me is really thinkin bout my baby and comin here multiple times a day to "talk with others" feel free to PM me.

[This message edited by mz_deelyte at 10:53 PM, September 9th (Sunday)]

Now food for thought for all us mothers. Will you tell your infants, when they are older, what happened between you and your spouse? My son will be too young to remember all of the times that I have cried histerically and how much the affair has hurt both my H and I. So, if it turns out that H is not the father of the oc, I am wondering if we should still tell our son when he gets older. If H is the father of oc, then we will definately have to explain things to both kids because they won't understand why they have one dad but two moms.

Momof3, I hear you about the little ones not sleeping through the night yet. Little DS was born 7/21/07 and LAST NIGHT was the first time he slept through the night. That also meant it was the first night since he was born that he didn't sleep in our bed at all! Once he would wake up, hungry and/or wet and discover he was in his bassinet, the party was OVER - he was unwilling to go back into that bassinet for anything, had to be snuggled close to one of us (usually me) before he'd sleep again.

Our older boy was 21 months when D-Day 1 hit. He knew something was bad wrong. Actually, he knew during my FWW's A that something was really wrong with Mommy, as she no longer had any time for him. It was always, "Go find Daddy" and "Go play with Daddy." After all, she couldn't interrupt her busy online life cyberscrewing her creepy internet OM. She spent so much time text-sexing him on the phone (1775 texts between them over 3 weeks) that whenever she picked up that damned phone, DS would HIT her! LOL. She switched back to her old phone after D-Day 2 (when I found out about the cybertexts), and he quit hitting her. Amazing.

He was very upset by the aftermath of our assorted D-Days. If he ever has some fleeting memories of this time and asks me what was going on, I will tell him. FWW doesn't want me to, but it's part of his history now too (she didn't HAVE to have her f'ing affair in the first place, now did she?). I also want him to understand how horrible infidelity is, how it ruins people, marriages, and families. Don't want HIM to be an OM someday, and sure as hell want to help him avoid having a WW in the future, if I can at all.

Little DS was born in between D-Days. So his birth and bringing him home from the hospital are forever tinged with sadness and misery for me; I became very suicidal after D-Day 3, which occured 2 days after he came home. I hate that her lies and ass-covering has even tainted my experience of the birth of my beloved second son.

I want to protect them both from WW in future, and to really teach them to be men with honor, never WHs. If it means telling them our story, so be it. FWW won't like it, but it's her fault this is part of our family history now, so too bad. If she hadn't screwed around, there'd be nothing to tell.

My opinion is that truth is always better than lies. If there is ONE thing I've learned from being a BH, it's that the lies always hurt more, lies are always a betrayal. I will never do that to my kids. They deserve the truth. When you try to lie and cover things up, it just gets worse.

So if they ask, I'll tell. Perhaps some dynamics of our M and our family will fall into place for them (such as why Daddy checks Mommy's cell phone bill all the time)!

Then if found out H cheated. We were working it out over the summer, or so I thought, when my WH said he wanted a baby. I had my reservations, but we were in a better place at that point, or so I thought. I waited years earlier for him to want me to mother another child for him, and it never came. When it came now, the WORDS coming from him were like a gift for me, and I decided I'd give us the chance to have another baby. We tried for a couple of months, but nothing.

D-day #2 came on Sept 12, 2007. Same MOW, a co-worker. He was having a EA/PA with her WHILE asking me to have a baby! I was so freaked out. And, as was the case the last time, we did the whole "Hysterical Bonding" thing. I wasn't thinking clearly...didn't even consider babies, etc.

Turns out, we conceived the weekend after I discovered his A, part 2....something like 4 days after I caught him.

I have been unable to experience any joy about being pregnant. This baby was a result of something that was going on as a result of WHs A! Every time I think of this baby, I think of the A. I think of H and MOW when I think of this baby, not H and *me*. It's almost as though I am carrying *her* child. I barely eat, haven't seen a Dr yet (I'm probably about 5 weeks along now), and I haven't stopped taking Xanax (without it I'm in sheer terror) and Wellbutrin. I guess I'm just in denial, and don't want to have this baby under these circumstances....not like this. I know I need to get my head out of my ass, and soon. I am just hoping to find some kind of encouraging ANYTHING to help me get up and start life like this (I've been hiding in bed for weeks since I found out about baby). WH is over the moon about this baby and seems very remorseful for the A. He's in IC and on AD meds. He's doing lots to prove to me that he's on the right path this time. But there's no escaping the recovery process and the pregnancy is just complicating it! And if it turns out that H goes back to MOW again (at this point, I can't trust what he says or does), I'll HAVE to divorce . As a ten-year SAHM, how the hell will I be able to support my son and I WITH a newborn?

Has anyone else here gotten pregnant SO soon after a D-day? Has anyone else here ever felt this way about their pregnancy? I feel so guilty, but have to wonder if I'll ever be okay with this pregnancy or this baby. It seems so unfair to bring a child into this world like this.

[This message edited by Blindside at 10:35 AM, October 22nd (Monday)]

Has anyone else here gotten pregnant SO soon after a D-day? Has anyone else here ever felt this way about their pregnancy? I feel so guilty, but have to wonder if I'll ever be okay with this pregnancy or this baby. It seems so unfair to bring a child into this world like this.

I'm 8 months pg with my second child.

BOTH of my children were conceived as a result of WH's A's.

I didn't confront WH about the previous A (won't go into all the reasons or what I did about it) but our relationship started "working" again shortly afterward and I finally got pg.

This baby is a direct, known result of the A. He was conceived during the HB stage after I confronted him. He's the reason WH was able to finally push OW away for good.

I was able to put aside my older son's connection to the A pretty easily...this one I'm not so sure. I know he'll be a beautiful blessing and I'll love him with everything I have. That said, I haven't had the excitement or joy over this pregnancy that I had over the other one.

It's definitely not easy, but those beautiful children DO help...

I think this I Can Relate Forum is great but it gets hard to reply, track, and just keep up with others in the forum. Is it possible to have bi-weekly or weekly updates that allow people in each individual I Can Relate area to keep in better touch? It's just so hard to offer support when you cannot get through all of the posts. No way I can fish through all the responses for one inetended for me or that applies to a question or something I may have. Anyway, just a suggestion.

I want him to come home. Yes, I am probably better without him. However, that doesn't make being alone better.

My family is extremely supportive, but I am so lonely.

My husband says he's not sure he wants the baby and not sure of what involvement he can give when he/she arrives. I don't even know how to handle that.

(((Kacs))) I have a 3 month old daughter; and he asked me to lveave when I was 7 mo's pregnant. the affairS had been going on for months...and we hadn't been married long, so I COMPLETELY understand. The truth is, that although it's lonely...sometimes no company is better than bad company. Also, if your WH is toxic, or a liar, his presence might hurt your child more than his absence. But please vent, talk to me, lean on me. I'm here for you. PM if you'd like. Please eat well, take your vitamins, sleep, and try to walk as much as possible. You are so important and what you are doing (in incubating ) is taking so much energy ON TOP of what you've got going that you really need to treat yourself with kid gloves. Please take care and know I"m thinking of you.

D-DAY #1- 11/12/07
D-DAY #2- 12/1/07
STARTED R 3/19/08
D- Day #3 07/23/08
Las

I was 7mos. preggers when I learned of EA and H walked out on me and 2yo dd.

Wasn't until 2 weeks after delivery, I learned of full-fledged PA. I didn't want to see before then. Hell, still don't want to see.

Take deep breaths. Just give your baby girl tons of snuggles. They work for your benefit too.

I'm sending you hugs right now. You and you kids are in my prayers, as well.

Try to keep your stress levels in check. I wound up having some difficulties in the end and delivered a few weeks early by induction. But, my own baby boy came out perfect.

(((hugs)))

I was 7mos pregnant when I found out about my H's A.I found out by discovering. there was OC (4mos old).Our daughter was born 10/01/07 and is gorgeous; but the feelings of betrayal are still there.Now..I am 6wks pregnant and we haven't gotten resolution with the OC issue yet.

SOmetimes I think its possible that not all men know how to deal with the hormonal changes of their pregnant wife.

ALso, lets be honest, bringing a baby in the world can be stressful, and some husbands act out in the most horrendous ways.

I am not excusing my WH behaviour, because there is no excuse. BUT, sometimes I think it helps explain some aspects of the reasons behind the affair.

Anyway, my question for those who were pregnant when they learned of the affair. Whose last name did you give your child when it was born? I am so pissed off right now that I am contemplating giving my baby my maiden name. Any thoughts on this issue?

Having a new bambino in June 2009!

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.
Life is a test.

My husband abandoned myself and our four children late in 2006. It was a horrible few months, where I filed for divorce and we were approaching our first court date. He called and asked to see me in person...something he hadn't done in well over a month...to see if there was any hope of reconciliation.

Wow! I was so elated. I was so happy. My four children and I would still have the man I loved in our lives. I did so much work on myself that few months and he was amazed at the difference...and I kept it up!

I had heard he had taken a woman to a party...so I asked point blank about her and said we could lump that transgression in with the abandonment if an affair did occur. Well, he denied it. I trusted him.

The month after he returned, we found out we were expecting #5!!! It wasn't expected...but I was so happy. I believed God was giving us a second chance...a new beginning...and I threw myself into staying positive about the pregnancy and taking care of myself and my husband and our other children like never before.

Fast forward to D-day...Oct. 07. Day after my birthday. That morning I got a phone call from a woman. It was OW's mother, who had found out about the affair and was calling to inform me. A part of me died that day and remains dead.

I didn't kick him out...the baby was due in less than a month and I was basically numb. He tried to deny it at first, saying the mother was crazy and didn't know what she was talking about. Then she sent me some emails...where he expressed his "love" for her and he finally confessed. The affair had started while we were separated and continued until Sept. 07...with emails and phone calls continuing until Oct. 07 when I found out.

Today, he is saying he was a mess when he came back. I was a new woman and he loved me so much...but he didn't want me to know about the affair. He continued it to keep the OW happy (so he says) so she wouldn't tell me before she moved away (as she had plans of getting a new job). I always thought my husband was a smart man...guess not. Why in the world would you do something more in hopes of hiding it?

I love my baby...she is 4 months old. But it isn't the same. What I thought was the happiest pregnancy of our marriage was all a sham. I can't help look at her and think: "Gee...she represents the best time and the most horrible time of my life."

It is now 5 months past d-day, but I am sinking fast. This news on top of the PPD I always have when I give birth are making for a miserable existance. I'm trying to make it through for my kids, but have a hard time when pain and depression fill my heart and soul.

So, that is my story.

Having a new bambino in June 2009!

With time, and support from my wonderful mother, I've come to accept this baby as a good thing in my life and am happy to be having it. That doesnt stop the disappointment of the surrounding emotions the baby will be born into.
We are trying to R. He says he will never go there again. He says he'll never hurt me - but he said that before, and all the while this was going on.
I am fearful of how I will cope with the R, and my trust issues once the baby arrives and all the complications of new born babies hit - hormone cocktails, fatigue, breast feeding issues, sleeping issues ..... etc etc.
(((Hugs))) to everyone in a similar situation.

I am remarried to a wonderful man who raises this boys as his own. More than that, he loves them as if they were his own. I wanted to offer encouragement to you that there is peace on the other side. Even with newborn babies in tow. Stay Strong.

In January, I got pregnant with my third child, as we had been planning together for years. He started obviously pulling away from me emotionally then, and the last four months have been hell. Not only was I practically bed-ridden with the morning sickness, but I was miserable because I could feel my husband leaving me. He tells me now that me being pregnant made him realize that he had to face the future and make a decision. When I discovered the affair a few weeks, he made the choice to stay with me and devote himself to our marriage and our family. Right now, though, all I can think is that this wonderful baby wasn't conceived in love; it was conceived by a guilty father who didn't want his wife to find out that he was cheating on her so he went ahead with the pregnancy plan so she wouldn't suspect. Add in a healthy dose of pregnancy hormones and this betrayal has been hard to face.

I do want to say, though, that I love this new baby just like I love its brothers. For now, I'm just considering the baby to be all mine. Maybe one day my husband and I can reconcile enough that I can admit emotionally that the baby is his, too. One day.

The hardest part is trying to take care of myself. I've lost 12 pounds in two weeks, I can barely bring myself to physically take care of my boys let alone get some exercise, and my sleeping is horrible - some nights I get none and others I can't seem to wake up.

[This message edited by alone_in_georgia at 8:07 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]

I say go for what you want. Like me, just consider a new baby YOURS alone. Children loves siblings, and you clearly want another child. Your children will have each other to lean on, and you will have them. Don't let your husband's affair cheat you and you son of the life you want to have!

(((hugs)))

My situation isn't quite the same, but it's not that far off either. My husband started his EA a week or so before my second son was born. It turned into a PA when the baby was about 3 weeks old. It continued until 2 weeks ago. While having his affair, he went ahead with our long term plan and I got pregnant with #3. I look at pictures now of my 2 year old and realize that in everyone of them, except the first couple taken at the hospital, he was cheating on me. I think about this new baby and realize it was conceived out of duty rather than love, as I had thought. I'm bitter about both.

I don't know that I can offer any advice other than this - clearly, your beautiful little girl is YOURS and not his. Focus on that. He just provided some of the genetic material. If you someday reconcile and he proves himself to you, then you can share her with him. Until then, just accept that she's wonderful and has nothing to do with him or his adultery.

I like alot of the ladies here feel like the joy of my pregnancy has been robbed. I'm scared that I will look at my baby and feel all the hurt, anger, and betrayal that has taken place. I wonder if I will love her enough?

I have so many raw emotions Im not sure where to start...kinda like the story, where to start is really hard. There are so many things to say but to get them down is hard because I can't seem to carry a complete thought long enough. I can say though that I do think my SO is still in what you call the fog.....I just hope he wakes up from it soon.

[This message edited by alonemom at 9:29 AM, June 8th (Sunday)]

It sounds like we are right about at the same stage in pregnancy; I'm just about 22 weeks. I'm so sorry that your SO left. I wish I had some advice for you, but all I can offer are some virtual hugs and to let you know that you aren't alone!

(((hugs)))

I like alot of the ladies here feel like the joy of my pregnancy has been robbed. I'm scared that I will look at my baby and feel all the hurt, anger, and betrayal that has taken place. I wonder if I will love her enough?

I used to wonder the same thing. I'm an old member of the pregnant and left and cheated on club. I can tell you that I felt so much guilt after I had my beautiful boy. I felt terrible I had chosen such a shitty father for him etc. Then I was able to separate it out. My son had NOTHING to do with his father's choices nor did he deserve for me to love him less. I loved him so much from day one and I separated out that he is his own person. In fact, I tell people he was the last good thing about my XH and perhaps he took all that was once good about my XH in him. My XH is NOTHING to me and I have moved on and love my kids so much. I had 2 more after my son with my post divorce new love and finally got an unrobbed pregnancy. I never let my XH's infidelity and shitty treatment of me effect what I felt for my son. I still get upset but mostly because my poor son has to deal with visitation and I have to fight for every childsupport and medical support time. My XH can't hurt me anymore though. I just do what I have to do now. You will have love for your sweet baby.... s/he is part you!

And to answer your question, no, another woman is not worth his child, and maybe he will realize this someday. I was lucky, because my FWH did come to this realization after DD was born, which is what snapped him out of the fog. But he did not feel a connection to our child until she was born, which sounds horrible but it's true. Once he saw what he truly had to lose, he wanted to keep it more than anything. He knows he still might lose it, although I am trying to R. It just stinks that he couldn't see what he had until it was too late.
Best of luck to you, and just take it one day at a time.

If I can help anyone please PM anytime.

Thanks for the reply....It makes a lot of sense. My mom did say some of the same but I think I only half heard her. I have an ultrasound tomorrow with the probability of having the amniocentesis done also tomorrow. I'm trying to prepare myself for the emotional mess I'm sure that I will be, but, I don't think you can really be prepared.

I'm really happy to hear that your FWH came to his senses! Good luck to you and your family during the R. I still have the hope that my SO will one day be able to see through clear eyes once again.

I want to fix things. Our son deserves for us to try at least once. How can you try to fix something when HE wont admit a damn thing?

im sorry its been a min since u heard from me but its been hard and i been going throught somethings and when i get a chance i will call u and im glad that u still thought 2 let me know whats going on but i know i cant say anything 2 u right now b/c its not u its me and what i want 2 do about this point im in and my son with u and my kids with my other Bm's but i will call u and im sorry 4 not being there like i said i would till the next time (pet name) .

I dont need judgements passed because u live and u learn the sad thing is there is now a child involved. Yes he has outside children and left me for OW who has his first child

4 years together
32 weeks pregnant with my first child
and hes with OW

[This message edited by afrikanqueenb at 8:36 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]

I want to fix things. Our son deserves for us to try at least once. How can you try to fix something when HE wont admit a damn thing?

My conclusion from my experience is you can't fix things unless your WS comes clean. My WH will never come clean so I've filed for divorce. I found proof of the EA last month and I suspect a PA as well. I have learned through the support of my family, friends, and this board that my kids and I deserve better. The only way I would stop the divorce is if my WH was remorseful, honest, and transparent and he refuses to be any of those things and life is far too short to wait around for him to wake up. Think about it, do you want to live feeling like you can't trust your WS for the rest of your life? Think of all the pain and sufferring you will have to endure. It's not worth it. I have two kids and one on the way and I have no doubt I will find someone better. I know you will too!

Take care.

This thread is very sad.
I just wanted us all to remember to hug our kids or our bellies.....
Those hormones in pregnancy/post partum can be tough.
badly hurting - how are you doing?

I got very bad and tried to commit suicide. I am so ashamed...as my children need me so much. I was just in so much pain.

Now all is up in the air again, as my WS says my actions were selfish and he has the right to leave the marriage now. I came out of the hospital ready to R...

Have you talked to your OB about this? I am 31 weeks now and I was able to go on antidepressants.

My H and I are reconciled and almost 2 years out from Dday...Its a long story but my point in posting here is just to give some hope and good vibes for those going through this now.I understand it all too well.
Hugs to all of you.....

Basically my husband started having an EA when I was pregnant with #2. He complains that I didn't have enough sex with him during that time. The EA continued without my knowledge throughout my daughter's first year. I was home struggling with a colicky baby and a toddler and I was totally focused on them and my husband just continued with the EA. The EA became a physical affair about 8 months after my daughter was born.
Three months after that, my husband sort of admitted to it. (Trickle truth). Now he is confused and wants to go to MC to decide how to proceed.
He blames me and the marriage.
I use the pregnancy as an excuse. I do.
I wasn't feeling intimate that much, but I certainly never expected this to happen. Maybe I'm dumb and foolish.
I just thought I could always count on my husband through thick and thin. We were in a tough year and he abandoned me during my time of need.
That's how I see it.

Anyways, now I have 2 little ones and he has a love interest at work.

Thoughts?

I wasn't feeling intimate that much, but I certainly never expected this to happen. Maybe I'm dumb and foolish.

You absolutely were NOT dumb and foolish. You were a normal, trusting wife, who was experiencing crazy hormones from a medical condition! While I was pregnant, I did not feel intimate at all. I felt sick, and uncomfortable, and unattractive, and intimacy was the last thing from my mind. Now, WH claims that was part of the reason for his PA, although it started while we were trying to get pregnant (he says that sex was boring and work instead of fun). It drives me crazy that my WH won't acknowledge that pregnancy is a medical condition which messes with the way you feel, yet he's quick to say that his medical condition of depression is what made him have an A.
It's one of the toughest parts for me- I should have been able to trust that my H would be faithful to me when he wanted to start a family... being cheated on while pregnant sucks!

[This message edited by NewMama08 at 10:20 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

I've asked him repeatedly how the birth of our daughter, who is an amazing person, did not change his life enough to change his behavior, but even more important, HOW COULD HE HAVE LET THE OW ATTEND THE BIRTH????

My husband made me feel so bad about it, which made it even harder to address the issue.

I just thought it was understood that that was a natural consequence and reaction. Plus, add in a colicky baby and that decreases libido even more.

We already had a baby and had been through this before and he didn't cheat on me then.

Why now?

It just doesn't make sense. Why couldn't he work with me and help me during the pregnancy while I was having morning sickness and sciatica? Why couldn't he wait for me? Things were getting better. Why did he stray when the going got tough?

Even if we reconcile it makes me very scared for two reasons:
1. We can never have more children, can we? I wasn't prepared to have that option stripped from me. How on earth would my husband ever deal with another? It's impossible and that is very hard for me to accept.

2. What if I ever get sick? Seriously sick, like cancer or something and I can't be intimate with him. Like Elizabeth Edwards. Then what? Will he cheat on me then too? These are major problems that we need to address in counseling.

I'm just scared all around.

I haven't been through the exact same situation as you.. but have lost a baby before. I didn't find out he had cheated on me until 3 days after I had to have a DNC (the baby wouldn't come out after I miscarried).

I wanted a baby for two years until I finally had one - with another man (WH). I can tell you this... looking back (this was 7 years ago I miscarried) it was a blessing in disguise.

You wont know the reasons why you miscarried and that is going to urk you for a very long time. You're going to ask yourself "why me?" over and over again. It will get easier with time I can promise you that.

But please for your sake and your unborn child's sake don't get preganant with his baby just "to have a baby". Here I am with WH and two babies, and this is A#2. I should have listened to myself when I didn't have two kids and it was A#1.

I can't imagine what I'd do if I had a baby with that man that I'd have to share. O gosh... ever hear that saying "things happen for a reason?" Well, I truly believe in that... and the answers we want now that aren't there will be later with "time" I call it the "T" word like it's a bad word.

Hugs to you girl...

My WH had a ONS when I was 7 months pregnant while he was on an overseas business trip.

I found out 5 weeks post partum. I am so upset, angry and depressed about it. I should be here enjoying my newborn and instead I'm sitting here in dispair over a ONS, waiting for results of STD tests.

WH swears he used a condom but his word means nothing to me at the moment. What scares me the most is that if he has transmitted anything to me it would be transmitted to my baby through breast milk.

I hate that this has become my life.

What scares me the most is that if he has transmitted anything to me it would be transmitted to my baby through breast milk.

Even if we reconcile it makes me very scared for two reasons:
1. We can never have more children, can we? I wasn't prepared to have that option stripped from me. How on earth would my husband ever deal with another? It's impossible and that is very hard for me to accept.

2. What if I ever get sick? Seriously sick, like cancer or something and I can't be intimate with him. Like Elizabeth Edwards. Then what? Will he cheat on me then too? These are major problems that we need to address in counseling.

I totally know what you mean. I worry about this stuff too. This was our 1st baby, and I am scared if I ever get pregnant again he will have another A, which angers me since I want more kids. I have even mentioned this to him, and he swears it won't happen, but how can he guarantee that?
However, I think that with counseling and the proper amount of work, the issues behind the A will be dealt with, lessening the chances of another A. I mean, sex is not usually the main reason for an A, the underlying issues are! So with a lot of work and counseling, hopefully these feelings will subside.

I still have not gotten over the anger stage. But he has NC with the OW and he is very remorseful and understands that his actions were selfish. I'm trying to R with him but I can't get it out of my mind. I lost 8 pounds since I found out and during the 1st week I only got 2-3 hours of sleep at night. I know that is not good for me or the baby so I'm trying to do better.

The OW is a coworker of his. She was in a relationship with his previous partner and had been dumped because of talk and rumors in the workplace. She turned to my WH for insight and I guess one thing led to another and whatever... She's a whore. I wouldn't be surprised if she's done it with every guy she works with. She knew he had a kid at home and another one on the way. Why would a woman do that to another woman?

Anyway, we're working on getting past it. My WH and I are trying to R. Things seem to be going well on the surface, but he's still lying to me and hiding the truth. I don't feel like I can trust him. It seems like I am the one doing all the research on how we can work on us. He thinks that by going back to the way things were, it will get better. Hello! How do you think we got where we are right now?!? The baby's due in another 4 weeks and we're still up in the air sort of. He speaks of remorse, but I don't really see any evidence of it. He doesn't really show any emotion whatsoever and he's not very affectionate. He never really was and I wonder now if I want to settle for that. I do love him, but I'm realizing that there are things that are missing from our lives. And, I want those things. But, I also want a loving father for my little girls (inside baby and outside baby, lol) and he's a good man aside from this period of stupidity. I'm not justifying his actions and if he does it again I'm leaving, but not before I make his life a living hell, but I really do want to make this work and it sucks that he doesn't really seem to want it. I don't know if it's that he feels he doesn't deserve a second chance or if he just doesn't care. He doesn't want to go to counseling and he balks when I want to talk or ask questions. I know it's only been 2.5 months and these things take time, but I just feel like I'm in this alone when it should be me and him...I hate this.

My OB prescribed me phenergan - I take it at night and it knocks me out for a good 6 solid hours (I wasn't sleeping much, if any). In addition, I keep down my breakfast. My OB says that daily use of the Rx will not harm the baby in any way.

I have an appointment set up with a psychiatrist to discuss post-partum depression, and what I can do to prevent this. I want to be as proactive as possible.

I am trying to make the best decisions that i possibly can for my precious baby girl, and to do everything that I can so that I can look back and say "I handled myself with such dignity and grace during that difficult time - good for me." That being said, I have had my moments of weakness - have had hateful thoughts towards my baby, have actually smoked a couple of cigarettes (which I also severly regretted), and have just been generally selfish. Thankfully, these moments only seem to last an hour or two, I can snap out of them and I'm back on track updating my baby registry or decorating her nursery.

Everyone says that the pain gets better - you won't hurt quite so badly one day. I'm not there yet, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they're not lying.

I know that God doesn't make mistakes. This is happening this way for a reason - my baby girl is coming into my life and she will be a blessing.

Good luck to all of the other expectant mommies out there - we will (apparently) get through this one way or another.

"Life is what happens when you are busy making plans!"

If someone truely loves you how could they cheat on you when you are pregnant and then lie about it? Is he just staying with me for the baby? Can a marriage ever overcome this?

Now 4 months after D-Day i was considering reconciliated only if his IC will show us the deeper reasons of his infidelity and his need of the other women. I was truly giving us a years to see if there's any chance for us.

But now, i found out that i am pregnant. And i just don't know what to do. I know that he is the same man that cheated on me, even if he's showing remorse. He seems very sincere right now.... BUT he's a serial cheater who need help. And with a baby on the way i don't think that he will have a serious opportunity and time to work on him self.

I'm so scared. I'm trapped because i don't know if i can get a abortion And i don't know if i will get support from my family and church ( they all advised me to run the other way and i didn't listen ).

I don't want to leave this life, it's so messy. I can't believe that i put myself in this crazy situation. how can i rase a child if i can't take care of my self ?

What can i do ?

Frankly, I just think that we multitask a lot as women, why can't they focus on growing up while they prepare for baby?!!!

5 weeks before I had baby I found out they were together. I was so upset I ended up in the hospital in early labor. H promised no more contact and it was over. I think he didn't want me to shut him out of her birth so he just told me that. Shortly after she was born I kept findingmore and more contact. Finally kicked him out.

How does a man do this? He now has a beautiful 7 month old daughter that he sees less than 2 hours per week total!

just found out on saturday night that my husband had one night "fling" (supposedly no sex) with one of my best friends.

he had the fling on saturday night. i called his cell and it answered w/o him knowing and i heard their "after the fact" conversation about whether he would tell me, blah, blah, blah.

i understand everyone now feeling their pregnancy/the baby is tainted.

this is still very early for me and i am on a roller coaster of emotions. we will try to reconcile, but my trust is definitely blown.

i am still in shock, as i literally never would have believed my husband or my friend would have done this to me. it still feels surreal.

my husband has already called a counselor and we are looking to set up an appointment asap.

i posted the long version of my story in the "just found out" thread if anyone is interested in giving advice.

my image of the purity of our marriage is shattered.

I posted yesterday (in this link: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=261515&HL=21348) about my BF not telling his mom about the baby we're having and later I confronted him and asked why, if he figured it'd be a problem, would he chose to have a mixed baby? He claims that's not it; he really just doesn't want to shock his mother with the news of the baby!!!

Who wouldn't be glad that their 47 yr old son is having a baby???

he hasn't given me a good excuse so far... should I demand he tell her?

He is currently decorating our bedroom and rushing to get everything ready in tim for the baby. We still have not bought everything we are going to need and I blame the A totally for this. He didnt even acknowledge the fact that I was pregnant until after D-Day. Not only did I not exist but the child I was carrying didnt exist either

I have had THE worst time of my life recently, trying to deal with being heavily pregnant and the fact that my H had the A, as well as the fact that he was treating very badly this time last week - I truly thought I was in the middle of some kind of breakdown.

The memory of this pregnancy is forever going to be something that causes so much pain. It has been tainted by my Hs A and nothing will ever change that. I just hope that when I have had my baby I can finally start to move forward.

It's definitely painful, but my DD makes it easier. I've feared that my pregnancy and the early months of her life will always be tainted for me but now I'm not so sure. Obviously, I'll always know what really happened but my DD is so worth any pain I may feel that I don't feel as if I've lost anything. She is beautiful, adorable, affectionate, snuggly, sweet and wonderful. I just feel blessed to have her. If there is anyone who is missing out, it's WH.

[This message edited by Zinnia at 11:47 PM, December 20th (Saturday)]

I'm also worried that all the stress I've been under will damage the baby somehow. I have a very hard time dealing with the A, especially since I have to see the OW several times a week right now (her daughter is on my 12 year old DD's basketball team and my WH is the coach- long story). I hate her so much and I'm afraid that all the hate and rage I feel him harm the baby. I just can't make it stop.

BS (me)- 26
WH- 28
M- 4 yrs
Together- 7 yrs
Kids- 2 D- 1 & 3
Pregnant- DD 7/07/09
OW- also pregnant!
D-Day- 1/28/09

Status... ??CONFUSED??

In the mist of my sadness, I have found comfort in my daugher and my baby, who is now kicking every day-ALL day. They keep me strong and remind me how blessed I am to have them.
I've decided this pregnancy is not tainted. My WH is not valuable enough to taint all the glory and miracle of this baby moving inside of me. I will not allow my WH's actions ruin the memory of one of the most precious moments of my life.

How are you? How are your pregnancies/new babies?

My little girl is now 14 months old. Hard to believe I found out about SD's affair so long ago. Still hurts almost as much today...but that is probably because the D was final last Monday.

Whatever you have chosen, I hear we will all be better off in the end. Just take care of you and those little ones...as your child/ren need at least one good parents...and it is obviously you!

He is a wonderful father overall though. Very devoted, and DD only had eyes for him, even at first born. She is an absolute blessing, very happy and friendly, exactly the opposite of what she experienced in the womb as my life was mostly turmoil at that time. But....he totally ruined what should be beautiful memories of the birth. He was supposed to be there completely for me, and he spent his energy elsewhere and lied about it. Hurts so much.

The really sick thing is that she and her H were trying to conceive too, and she got pregnant 5 months before I did. Why would she go off the pill to try to get pregnant when she was fucking someone other than her husband? Why would my H keep having sex with her knowing this, AND also after he knew that she was pregnant??? He says it never occurred to him that the baby might turn out to be his!!! Idiot.

So, anyway, his A ended up tainting the memories of my first pregnancy and completely ruined my second one.

I always thought that a man cheating on his pregnant wife was the lowest low thing any man could do.

Now that I know that my WH is one of those men, it's like my brain can't accept it. I have them compartmentalized, they couldn't possibly be the same person.
Wow, I just realized I said "them" I have "them" compartmentalized.

I'm 1.5 years out from D day & wonder when I'm going to finally hit the floor, feels like I"ve been falling forever.

I too feel the "tainted" feeling regarding my baby (now almost 2). It's the worst thing about all of this.

We too ttc for a very long time, I wanted this baby sooooo badly. I wanted to share that experience with him so much.
My other 2 pregnancies weren't "great" either. I thought now that I had this wonderful amazing guy, my last pregnancy could be my best. But he stole that from me.
How do we get over the tainted pregnancy/baby feeling?

I am almost 30 weeks preggo and my WH has moved out about 3 weeks ago--I made him because he couldn't "decide" between me and her so I told him it was a decision. We aren't doing anything legal at this point or talking about D.

Pretty much, he is with her every day (he has left 80% of his stuff here at the house) and is trying to help out at the house about once I week. I am doin my best to 180 and not be here when he comes. I do need to see him for our hospital tour and birthing classes. If only I had a crystal ball...what will happen????

It does something to you...being cheated on when you are most vulnerable and most committed to someone--we tried for almost a year to get pregnant. He even had the gall to insinuate that was my fault.

He's f*cked up. Sometimes the sadness and misery of it gets me down. We're in MC, but we have a really long way to go. I want a family and more children, but you know how it feels once it happens once...will it happen again?

But have you been through MC? IC? They say it can take 2-5 years to recover from this...

I have a question--did you go through Post Partum D? And if so, do you think the A made it worse? I am worried about that....I am taking 50 mg of zoloft but who knows if that is enough.

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I have not confronted him on it yet. I know that I would not have been able to handle it as I have suffered PPD after each of my kids; I feel like I have barely been able to keep hanging on as it is.

I feel like he ruined my time with my newborn; instead of being able to focus on my new baby and bonding with him, I was thinking about him and OW, stressing about what was going on. It's not fair and I am still really, really angry with him about that.

Now that babe is 7 months I am ready to confront. I am planning on talking to him this weekend, but am a bit unsure as my sister will be in town. But the next weekend is my birthday and it is always something, isn't it? Wish me luck!

I had no clue about the A on DDay #1 but started having doubts about R a couple of weeks before DDay #2. I just wasn't ready to confront until I was brave enough to learn what I would find. Does that make sense? Also, I wanted proof because he kept denying, and minimizing my feelings when I told him that something wasn't right and when I asked him q's about no contact with her...

So I am telling you this because I think you will know when you are ready to confront. I also suggest you have an idea as to what you want from him specifically. To cut off contact, change email, phone number, what?

By the way...Dday #2 was 2 days before my b-day but when you're ready to face combat, you're ready.
Keep us posted! I am sooo sorry you have to go through this!

People keep telling me to focus on my baby and not think about WH. Easier said than done...especially when my baby boy will have 50% his genes, and we created him out of love, and I never imagined being a "single" mother and we will have to share this child for the rest of our lives.

I'm sorry you missed out on the newborn bonding.How can people be this cruel to cheat and hurt the ones they love? I am sure you are making up for the bonding now.

Are you and your WH trying to R? Is he living with you?

Anyway, that is likely what is holding me back. Imagining all the what-ifs and "if he does/says this, then. . ." Sigh.

So are you planning on having him at the birth or not? And have you considered a doula at all? One owuld really help support you during labor/birth.

Gotta go, WH is coming out here!

T26~ I'm so sorry you had trouble bonding and breastfeeding due to the stress of the A. NOT your fault! I had a hard time after the birth, not bonding with my bundle, but did feel robbed of that sweet babymoon I didn't get. I was too worried about WH and didn't get to fully enjoy the newborn stage. I am still very angry with him about that; it is time I will never get back and this is likely my last child.

Well, I really do need to go now. I will be back after the long weekend unless I'm able to sneak on here at some point while WH is home. ((((hugs)))) to all here.

Why do you have to give up being a SAHM if you separate? Won't he still be required to pay for both households? How likely is it that he will want to leave his family for OW?

However, making WH move out is not the only option here.
You could read the 180 and do what it says while still living with him. You could request MC with him and talk about things there. You could start to meet his emotional needs (see marriagebuilders.com for free questionnaires and info about this).

Now, in my case for DDay #1, my WH almost immediately chose to me and to end contact with her. He swore it was an EA at the time. I didn't learn about the PA aspect until I inspected our Visa bill a couple of months later but never told him that I knew.

My requests for DDAY #1 was to stop emailing, calling, going to lunch, buying her coffee drinks, get rid of anything she ever gave him, delete songs from his ipod that he got from her, change his work schedule, go to MC with me. He agreed to do all of that but it only lasted a week (I didn't know until Dday #2, all I knew was he wasn't "coming around" and it seemed suspicious since once they end contact, the feelings for the OP are supposed to fade)

Do you have adequate proof that it is an EA? text messages? phone records? emails?

Good luck and please try to enjoy your weekend with your sister! (((wonder woman))))

It's funny. I once had a very pregnant client (I work in a spa as an esthetician). She was telling me about her husband cheating on her at the time. I couldn't believe he would have the gall to do that to her at that time. I said I don't think my husband could ever do that to me. She said that he most definitely could. I was rather put off by her comment, but she was right. He most definitely did cheat on me and my pregnancy did not stop him.

We are expecting our second daughter next month and I just found out that he strayed back to the OW...again. He tried his best to hide it from me so as not to hurt me. But, my intuition is too strong and I had to look into it and confront him. I can't stand being suspicious and not knowing the truth. Sure enough, despite telling me how much he loves me and how he's thrilled to have children together, his actions speak louder than words. I said that if he strayed again, we would be over. I meant it. Now, I'm awaiting this child and figuring out the whole separation/divorce thing as we go along. I hate that he put me in this situation, but know I will emerge stronger from it someday.

All of your comments about not feeling connected to your babies ring so true. I've been too busy dealing with the more stressful aspects in my life. I hate that I haven't been able to concentrate on this beautiful little girl growing inside me. I hope that this stressful pregnancy doesn't harm her too much. I hope I can bond with her as I want and not be too overwhelmed with the split between me and her daddy.

I never saw myself as a single mom, but here I go! Sigh... Yep, I'm scared. But, I know this is the right decision and life will improve with time.

I'm scared of being overwhelmed and alone at night, too. We'll get through it though. Also, like you, I never wanted my kids to have parents under different roofs. Both my H & I had divorced parents as well.

However, its better to have separate, happy parents than miserable parents forcing themselves to stay in the same house. Another thing that is extremely important is to remain friendly with your ex. Most people don't do this and its understandable. I'm not you and I don't know if this is something that can work for you or not. But, my parents remained friends the whole time after their divorce. They loved each other but didn't work well as a couple. My dad forgave my mom's infidelity and moved on with his life, while seeing my sister and I as much as possible. Plus, they never badmouthed each other...ever! That was so important! I'm extremely grateful that my parents handled it so well and I plan to do the same.

My husbands parents, on the other hand, were down right nasty. They put their kids in the middle of their squabbles and never had a kind word for the other. This affected my husband greatly, for the worse. It's devastating. His parents are finally friendly again, only after we granted them their first grand kid. It's amazing how healing a baby can be! Anyway, I hope you can at least remain civil with your ex, for your kid's sake. It makes a HUGE difference!

I hope this helps a bit. We'll get through this!

My parents had a nasty divorce and put the kids in the middle so I am determined not to do that. I am staying friendly with my H for the sake of our child, even while he is still in his affair.

I will be ready for divorce if having our child does not wake him up out of the fog. Until then, I am hoping and waiting....

so as you know my ex asked me on a date last wednesday. and we had a great week together. it was alot of fun, and helped lift my spirits a bit. but yesterday i began thinking. i've gotten some good advice on here and think i need to follow it. my X has finally admitted to having a problem and possibly being depressed. his first C appt is friday. he said he'll show me proof he went, cause he knows his word is still sh!t, actions are what i want.
yesterday he went to meet with the company renting out his house. and was there for 5 hours! (they've done nothing but screw him from day one. but he didn't read the contract in full, so alot of it they can do. he's not so bright, thinks he is though. see what i'm working with?) anyways, the owner had cancelled the appt, without calling him, then someone else took and hour to show up and talk with him, but they couldn't find his file, exc exc. this has happened a few times. i went once, and decided i wouldn't go back with him again. couldn't deal with the stupidity. he's talked to a lawyer and the company has 30 days to get their act together before he takes them to court. so he was a little stressed. i told him relax and don't think about it. we didn't see each other yesterday because of that and that gave me time to think.

this man is severaly broken and damaged. and though he's at the beginning of recovering there will be slip ups. ups and downs and a horrible emotional roller coaster. he has more issues than i can imagine and has a horrible way of coping with them. and breaking through to them..... his family and life has all been about image. just a perfect lie of an image of who you are. so getting past that exterior to the person underneath i think will be his biggest challenge. and unfortunately i think his family and friends will hinder his progress. but hopefully he will overcome it. he's been transparent, and as open about everything as i've wanted. but even with him giving me all this, i don't get onto his accts, check his phone, exc. just because i'm not in a mindset of R, so therefore i don't care.

i refuse to consider R for 11 months, by then my hormones from the pregnancy should be back to normal, and if thats what i want to do at that time i will, if not well i'll continue like i am today. i've told my X that i no longer want to hang out like we were. i don't want to give him the wrong impression. such as
1) we are going to R and he's got 11 months to prove he's doing work (that's not the case at all)
2) that i'm gonna be his crutch through this whole experience.

He's got to make these changes for himself. at this point i'm single and staying that way. more important things to do then date. now if he does work on himself and do all the things he's been saying and have started doing and i decide (no sooner than 11 months) that i'm willing to R then i will. if he chooses within his course of self discovery that he doesn't want me, thats fine with me too.

but i've decided no longer hanging out like we did last week, don't wana send mixed signals, or get in a bad position myself. i'm glad he's taken the first step, and just hope he continues for his own sake. he wants to stay a support system for me during the pregnancy at the very least.... we'll see.

good decision? or am i losing my mind??? i can't tell anymore

[This message edited by butifuldisaster at 4:02 PM, June 18th (Thursday)]

I hate to admit that as much as I love my daughter, I still sometimes wish she wasn't born, so I could get on with my life, and I could leave my FWH...

So sad, but I understand exactly. Hugs to all of you. Someone is worried about bonding...I think you will find that over time your baby will be what keeps you going, not what makes you sad. It gets better.

(((HUGS)))

WH did not cheat while I was pregnant. I found out about the affair in 07/08 and got pregnant in 10/08. It was definitely not planned as we were just starting to R.

Now that the baby is here, I am having a really tough time. WH thinks thingsg are just fine and refuses to even acknowledge the affair. He thinks that since it has been almost a year, I should just drop it. So, I cannot even talk to him about it. I know part of the problem is my raging hormones, but it is worsened by the fact that the 1 year anniversary of D-day is coming up in 2 weeks. I'm not sure how to deal with all this. I love my baby more than anything, even though it took me a while to come to terms with the pregnancy. All I do is cry all the time.

The delivery was really sad. It was nothing like when my other 2 children were born. WH was so involved with those deliveries. He was supportive and reassuring and comforting, and this time it was like I was by myself. After we got to the hospital around midnight, he went right to sleep while I was in agonizing pain. While I was crying and having terrible contractions, he was snoring. When it was time to push, he just stood back and made faces like he was watching some horror movie. He never did that before. He did not hold my hand and give me any words of encouragement. I felt so alone. When it was over, he did not kiss me or tell me he loved me like he did when our other kids were born. He even went home to go back to bed shortly after and only spent a few hours over the next 2 days at the hospital with me. I cry every time I think about it. I don't think he was cheating (his OW has now moved on and is getting married and has moved away). It's just that I don't think there's anything left between us. I am not sure if I love him anymore. I just wish I had someone to really truly love who really loves me. I have never felt this alone in my life.

I guess I just need to focus on my new baby right now. I am so lucky to have her and my other 2 girls and I need to focus on them and myself. I just wish I knew what to do about my marriage. I am so afraid that we'll just stay like this for years because of the kids and then I'll wake up one day and realize I've wasted so much time.

Ok- I'm just rambling. Just needed to vent a little.

My heart goes out to you. What a heartbreaking delivery story. I just want to smack your husband! Arg! I'm glad you have this place to vent. You,well all of us, are going through a lot. I hope things get better for you soon. I know the hormones don't help. I'm scared of how I will be after my baby comes while dealing with my H leaving. Well, I hope your H comes around. If not, splitting may be better for all of you. It's a hard decision. But, raising kids in a depressing environment will be harder, I would think. I don't know- I'm not in quite the same situation as you. Anyway, congrats on your new baby! I'm so glad she turned out so healthy. That gives me hope for my own! Hang in there & keep us posted. :)

congrats on your baby! i'm so sorry your H wasn't as supportive as he should be. especially with her being early, but yes, maybe he has emotionally checked out of the relationship. i'm a year as of yesterday past my 3rd dday, the biggest one. and me and my X (it's complicated, he wants to R, i'm hormonal and have no idea what are really my thoughts. so i just left it at we're not together until the hormones take a chill pill.) still talk about it. probably because for the whole first year of our relationship was false Rs more As exc exc. and it was like the minute he heard the babys heart beat he became a different man (let's hope it sticks this time, and so far it's the longest change ever!)

my one fear though is that i will go through the delivery alone (familys wouldn't be the same as having him there.) and being as for the first 4.5 months of my pregnancy he wanted to be involved with the baby, but not me.

i would focus on the new baby for right now. i was told your hormones are crazy until about 6months after you have the baby. that may be a better time to make a decision.

again congrats!!!!!! and i hope everytihng works out

I just wanted to let you know that you've been heard and that you will find lots of great support here.

This is an awful thing that he has done. But I think you should make sure to take care of yourself first and that might mean asking for a separation. You need to eliminate as much stress as possible and having him around might make you crazy.

My WH also cheated on me when I was pregnant but the A did not start until I was about 35 weeks along. I don't know what I wouldve done if I had to go through the whole pregnancy while dealing with this.

Hugs

I found out about my XH's affair when I was 8 months pg with my second child. My older DS was only 2. I had also just found out (thanks to the pregnancy) that I had lupus and kidney disease.

It was really hard to get my son here but so worth it. My boys are my pride and joy. XH left when the baby was 2 weeks old, moved in with the AP and I filed for divorce when my youngest was not quite 3 months old.

I can DEFINITELY relate.

How are you feeling? Update us please

(((hugs)))

RG

I can definitely relate. I was 20 weeks when I found out about my husbands affairs. Turns out he started cheating while I was pregnant with my first daughter, and he had a baby with the OW. So pregnancy factors a lot into my story.

I think it takes a special kind of low to cheat on your wife while she is pregnant. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Numb pretty much describes how I am feeling as well. I don't know if you have the same experience, but most of the time I barely remember that I am pregnant. I am so focused on my dealing with my new reality that I almost can't bear factoring in a new baby on top of it. I'm having a good day if I can remember to take my pre-natal vitamin.

It is easier said than done, I know, but try to take care of yourself, Mommy22. You are not alone!

I'm so horrified that I would need to post in a support thread like this.

I just caught my H in an EA that started (so he says) when I was 8.5 months pregnant. I turned to a PA when my beautiful daughter was 2 weeks old. I'm so destroyed by this. He was never supposed to do this. We tried for 6 months to get pregnant with this baby- with him being the one who pushed it. We have two other son's and were absolutely elated that we "finally got our girl". It was my hardest pregnancy to date and I know that it added a lot of stress to our relationship, but I always thought it was just a phase. Just a bump we were going through. Certainly nothing worse than what we had been through together already.

It wasn't like he didn't get any while I was pregnant- I had an incredibly high sex drive- up until that last month and a half when the pain became unbearable. I had pubic symphsis dysfunction which essentially means that it constantly felt like someone had jabbed a hot knife through the front of my pelvis- not really great during sex.

He complained that he did not get enough of the daily hugs and kisses/touches and caresses. As a sexual abuse survivor, given the type of abuse I suffered, those little expressions of physical love are the hardest for me. They always have been. He knew that 9 years ago when he entered into this relationship with me. Still, I thought I was giving enough. I thought I was making up for it in other ways (like gift giving and random texts simply saying "I love you").

I know nothing I did justifies his choice to have the A. It just hurts to think back on everything I did for him. Everything I went through for him. I delivered our daughter naturally even though she presented complex (her hand up by her face as she crowned). I was so proud.

We had a birth photographer there who captured what I thought were moments of the love and commitment that we shared. I look at those images now and have to know that he had emailed and texted her right in front of me in that hospital room. The bond, the specialness that I thought I wanted to remember forever is now a haunting reminder of the pain he has put me through.

I'm so angry that he chose some dirty skank over his daughter's perfect two week old face. I'm so hurt for her that she will know that when she is old enough.

He started traveling in excess after she was born. Always saying it was "unavoidable" and making me feel guilty for the resentment that I felt toward him, because "he was doing this for us". On the day before Thanksgiving, he said he had some things he wanted to talk about and he told me that he was unhappy in our marriage and thought we should separate. He told me that he thought I had too many unresolved issues with my childhood abuse issues and that they were hindering our relationship. He requested that I seek therapy immediately and that we would go to MC. In his email (that he did not send to me until he was home to discuss it) he had a section at the end of "things he wanted to make perfectly clear". Number one was that he didn't want a divorce. Number two was that THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE.

He had just slept with her two days before and I have emails from him saying that he loved her a week after that.

I'm still in shock. I have a ton of support from friends and family (including his) but it's empty because I don't open myself up to accept comfort or help from many people. But I did to him and in a time of crisis like this, all I want is for him to comfort me. But I'm so angry and hurt and betrayed that I can't even have him touch me.

I was about 4 months preg. when the EA began, 6 months when he first slept with her (I think), 7 months when he moved out, and 9 mos. when I caught him at her house.

I'm so sorry for you all going through this. It is so horrible to deal with this while pregnant, or just given birth.

My XWBF took so much from me - my pregnancy joy, birth, and first several months of my son's life.

Just know - it DOES get better; it will! I am now married to a different, wonderful man whom I love and trust 100%. My X, and what he did to me - are just a distant memory.

He is still trying to destroy my life (custody), but I don't let him. Refuse to let him. I will NEVER forget what he did to me - but it no longer effects my life. He isn't worth it.

Hang in there! Everything will end up ok in the end...

~After every valley there is a mountain top.~

~There is sunshine after the rain. There will be blue skies a comin' your way.~

Our DD is 8 mos old now. It hurts so bad that none of my memories for the past year and a half seem real.

Putting up the tree was excrutiating because all I could think was being pregnant and having so many expectations and hopes for the next Christmas.

It was a tough decision for me to have a baby. I raised my 15-year-old by myself. I wasn't sure I wanted to start over or take the risk of raising 2 children by myself.

I do not regret my DD, but wow, what a sucker punch! And to make matters more sickening, he even let her come to the hospital to meet me and hold our new daughter .

She's an employee of his and several had been there, but there was always something I didn't like about her. Maybe because she was screwing my H.

So many times during my pregnancy I felt so alone, unattractive, scared, etc. Now I know it's because he was giving her the attention/affection that was supposed to be mine.

It's such a terrible betrayal. (((hugs to all)))

I have never in my life let someone treat me this way and I know that it is wrong, I just can't stop crying long enough to do anything about it. All I feel is sadness and heartbreak, I keep waiting for the anger/indifference but it never comes.

[This message edited by dyinginside26 at 6:57 PM, December 20th (Sunday)]

But, my little girl, she is my strength. If it werent for her, I would be making a lot of bad choices. I have started smoking again, which sucks. I have to wash my hands, brush my teeth, and change my shirt everytime. But he stresses me out so much, that I just crave them now. I hate being in this situation.

H was cheating before I got pregnant. We talked about pregnancy and he was ok to try for a baby.. i conceived. The A really progressed in the speed of light as i was not able to give him enough attention. he said he thought i did not care about our relationship because i went to bed at 9pm when pregnant :)...

he slept to that trash and me without condom.. I thank my lucky starts that my daughter is healthy ...

I found out about A 3 weeks after delivery..

we kind of try to R but i dont think it will work. simply because i dont think he is in R mode yet. My wonderful DD is 10 months old.

No regrets about having her - she is the most wonderful thing which has ever happened to me.

things are hard... but she gives me so much strenghts and happines..

good luck to you all and treasure your little ones :)

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue

You'll find kindred spirits in this thread but if you need immediate support post your story in the Just Found Out forum. That forum moves a little faster than this thread.

He completely compartmentalized. He was loving, supportive and doting during the pregnancy and the last two months of our daughter's life.

I can't help but feel that all of that doting was guilt-driven. He is a provider and continues to be, but I am spiteful because I want a partner.

I think he had NC, and he's not committed to MC yet. I feel so completely betrayed that I can't imagine raising our child together. He left us BOTH to be with another woman, and I just want to protect our baby. While he isn't a perfect father, he is trying really hard. I can't let myself leave her alone with him, however. Maybe its because his priorities are screwed up and I can't trust him, but maybe it's my way of punishing him for walking away from us.

How do I allow him to be a father when we aren't sure if we are going to R or D?

I am 4.5 months out from d-day and I just found out that I am 7 weeks pregnant.

Hubby and I are doing very well with r'ing but I have to say that I am really really scared of him leaving...he has been good about reasuring me that he won't but the fear is so real I can't shake it sometimes.

Read my profile for my tidbits

Any advice is welcomed