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I Can Relate
User Topic: False Reconcilation Thread
SI Staff
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Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, December 31st (Monday)

For those that are dealing specifically with false reconcilations and needing support on how to move forward, whether to stay or divorce.

Please do not turn this into a "dump their ass!" type thread.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, December 31st (Monday)


I survived a false reconciliation and went on to reconcile for real.
Reconciled and grossly happy now for five years.
You can get through this!


Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
Siouxz2
Member
Member # 15982
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, December 31st (Monday)

To me, the false R hurt worse than the actual A. I mean, the A was bad enough, he got caught, people make mistakes, etc. But to THEN lead me to believe that our M had a chance when he had NO intention of going NC with her, that was the knock-out punch.

I am just thankful that our R didn't last too long before I found out about all this.

Still, it hurts a whole lot. Especially when OW is the same age as I am, but looks great, plastic surgery, new boobs, etc. And here I am overweight and STILL with the acne (at 46!).

Yet I know that for me, D is the best thing that could happen. I am becoming "me" again after 24 years or being someone else.


BS to lying POS WH
Tried R--no effort from him
Lawyered up on 1/2/08
Beautiful 1st grandson born 3/20/08

Posts: 263 | Registered: Aug 2007
Whoknew?
Member
Member # 9270
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, December 31st (Monday)

Our last D-day was nearly 4 years ago. I'm pretty sure that my FWH is an SA. Since D-day he hasn't been with any other women, but he kept looking at porn, prostitution sites, and personals on line, and going to strip clubs and bikini bars even thought I kept telling him that I didn't want him to. After sleeping in separate rooms for several weeks, he said he finally understands (?) what I'm saying. He's going to keep a list of times he's tempted and what's happening in his life (stress, boredom, etc.) at the time.
It's been a week with NC and once again I'm hopeful that this time he'll stick to it. I know that for a SA, it's usually just a matter of time before things go back to the same as before, but this time I'm really hopeful. After 38 years of M, I can't imagine life without him, but I can't imagine life continuing as it has been either
Here's to a great new year for all of us!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Florida
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Content  Posted: 7:38 PM, December 31st (Monday)

Yay! Great thread!
Now, my big question is how do we deal with single or mutiple False Reconciliations?

I am so devastated by my multiple FR's.
The last one was Dec 5th.
Not only did he jack me around, but he tried to gaslight me and make me feel like an idiot.

What do I do now? How do I deal with it all?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
betterdaysahead
Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, December 31st (Monday)

My stbxh had an affair in 1984 with a married coworker. I kicked him out and we S for 6 months. He came back with flowers and promises of fidelity.

Fast forward to June 2006...he walked out to move in with another woman...a married coworker.

I don't think he was ever faithful...but in those 20 years he got another child...a son and a free university education and a terrific career.

ETA I am so angry that I R...it was the biggest mistake of my life. I know that isn't a popular sentiment here and I feel guilty saying it but I feel comfortable saying that on this thread.

[This message edited by betterdaysahead at 8:22 PM, December 31st (Monday)]


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, December 31st (Monday)

Ditto to all HB's questions...but I did kick WH out in 9/06 & despite all his crocodile tears & "Let's let bygones be bygone's" crap (of which I cannot DO because I don't *know* what the damn bygone IS if he continues to keep me in the dark!) he has made NO attempt to R.
In fact, he has pulled out ALL the Stops (stopped his bipolar meds, therapy, reading & working on the Carnes work book, etc.) so its just more bullshit.
But, this time, he is driving IT into the LS/D ground very well.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)

This isn't a vent,though it may sound like one.
It's some deep thinking out loud and looking for answers.

DD told me the other day he has a very insulting ringtone on his ph for when I call and it's bothering her.

Since my last Dday of the false R Dec 5th I've hit my last I don't know what to call it.
Give a damn I guess.

He's full blown active into his A crap and online dating crap and I guess just chasing tail anywhere and anyway he can.

I feel like I was scammed (understatement) and it hurts so much.
I'm really struggling to understand why his dick is more important to him than me or our kids.
It doesn't even work very well anymore! hahahaha
I'm a good person and we have two of the best kids in the world.

DS has clammed up about the whole sitch.He's trying to the stoic macho boy.
He's 14! That's just so wrong his dad put him in this place.

DD is having all kinds of stress and problems about it.
She's 12 and has always been a "daddy's girl".
She comes to me and tells me that daddy did this or daddy did that and it's bothering her and she doesn't know what to do about it.

I'm at a loss as how to help her.
I can't really just say that daddy cares more about himself than her.
That makes me the bad guy.
I've worked really hard in the last yr to keep my mouth shut and not trash him around the kids.
But it's impossible to shield them from what he blatantly does or says in front of them or to them.

I guess my point is I'm not the only one dealing w/ all the FR's.
The kids catch the fallout too.
And that is as painful to me if not moreso than what he's done to me.

In a way I'm the lucky one.
I can D his sorry ass and be done w/ him.
But they're not so lucky.
That's their Dad, man.
One of the 2 most important people in a kids life that has some of the most influential effect on their lives.
And he's blowing it bigtime.

I've always had the attitude that everyone makes mistakes and we're all human.
But if we're trying to do the right thing and do right by other people than that counts for something.

It's just so painful that I feel overwhelmed by it all.

I'm thinking about telling him that I don't care if he wants to look like a dickhead in front of his kids and his his business insulting their mother but at one time he did love their mother and wanted to have kids with her.
And asking him how he thinks that makes the kids feel about him.

You know what the real pisser is about it?
I gave him that damn ringtone!

He needs a sign on his forehead that says "Caution! Fucktard at work!"

I had made some progress since the tailspin I went into last yr.
Now, it feels like I have to start so many things over and recover old painful ground that I never should've had to travel to begin with.

How do I deal with the FR's and how do I help the kids w/o looking bad to them?
They've already had so much put on their plate w/o him adding more.
It jes'keeps on comin'!


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
lorieann75
Member
Member # 17515
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)

This ones been tough..I belong here TOO- as well as in the Cyber Affair thread I guess.

From the moment I discovered the E/A (and found out just today it predated my "discovery" by months, which hurt worse) he showed HUGE remorse at the time, insisted we try MC, agreed to IC. Then counselor suggested we separate- two diff states. I found out in Nov. that he almost immediately resumed A with OW (who is married) Her husband knew, thought I did too- but I had no idea. He dangled R & was blameshifting/damaging/hurtful the whole time (from sept-nov 08) That HURT SO MUCH. I wish he'd just been HONEST when I left and warned me it was for good. I left everything I owned there- fourteen years worth of hard-earned things only 7 yrs of which were "ours". But the things meant little, it's things like albums, photos, journals (one of which his mother felt free to read I guess with me gone, and she's glad of that too) and my kitty who I miss terribly. Anyway...

On Nov. 25 he agreed to try R again and to begin NC. Claimed he needed help from IC to end it and how- I encouraged that- even sent him money to go... but right now i SERIOUSLY question NC and being 1600 miles away my odds are slim.

He was suppose to visit for my birthday (right after dday, obviously didnt happen) then thanksgiving (even just for closure, and to bring my things) then Christmas.. told me that was off just two days beforehand. OUCH.

Now it was this month. But I had to PAY for all of it as he's flat broke.. I was willing to do that IF I could be SURE there had been NC since Nov. 25th as he has told me, and have done some checking on that yest/today to make sure. If news is good... even despite that awful log I read today (see just found out post- OUCH OUCH) I MIGHT still be willing to face-to-face first time since dday and my departure Sept. fourth. Terrified of bad news.. confused even if good news.

Even tonight he dangled R as if I am the hungry animal and he the master. I have allowed him that power though, like a fool, because I DO love HIM unlike he loving me or so he says he doesnt like so many other WS's do.. and because I didnt find out about the 180/NC I could try till last week. I will try it again soon, I'm just feeling almost like held hostage due to my things being in FL & needing them, not to mention my kitty which for me- is my only "child". I don't know.. I don't even know if R is even WANTED at this point, but with him avoiding facing me since it happened, its very hard to have closure. Who knows? perhaps I would see his face, see the change in those eyes and be able to walk away so EASILY. I have before with bad partners. But how can I know until I do? And if I never do... oh nm sorry I'm rambling. But false R's.. ouch they are nearly as bad as a dday imo :(


BW : 32 (me)
WH : 27
Together/Engaged 7 years
DDay 1(EA) 08/27/2007
DDay 2(Phys) 10/07/2007
Status: I wanted R & MC but he chose the OW. Me & OWH both left in tatters. Hopeless

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Midwest
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:49 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)

Sorry, if I was *ventish*.
I'm all Triggery due to the *Happy Holidays*.
Perhaps this is the wrong thread to post in...its just that we DID have numerous false R's...& what I've posted has been IT in a nutshell.
He'll never meet anyone who has been so good to him & he has said this.
So...WHY???


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)

DL, we may never know.
It's bad enough not knowing so many things like who, what, where, when, why, and how.
But not knowing why we were GL'd and scammed and led on into FR's is just as bad if not worse than the original betrayal.

If they want to chase tail so bad why don't they just let us go?
It's like they're powertripping on the secret fact they're still fucking w/ our lives and when we find out, our minds.

Three out of the last four days, he's invited me to go down there and visit.
I think so he can laugh his ass off in front of me about secretly changing our Jan 2 court date.

Is it all about manipulation and mind games?
He didn't ask the judge for more time so we could work things out.
He did it so he could clean out all his assets that I'm supposed to get half of in the TO.
Supposedly this judge is supposed to be pretty smart and be able to tell when he's getting BS'd.
To me this just proves how good a liar my fucktard is.

He isn't interested in working things out with me.
He's lying to all his friends about me.
He's trying to make me look bad in front of the kids.
All this while chasing tail.

I'm to the point all I want is to be free of him and his crap.
I don't care about him chasing tail anymore.
Though it does piss me off he does it blatantly in front of the kids.
That's just whack.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)

There is nothing quite like the feeling of False Reconciliation.

It was beyond devastating to me to know that I had put my heart and soul into trying to pull our marriage back together and he treated me like crap because he was still with the OW.
And the more he treated me badly the harder I tried.

I felt like such a fool.
And it was humiliation on top of the pain and anger and heartbreak.

However, dday 2 was also the day I discovered my backbone and the day that my H snapped out of the fog.

I'm sorry it hasn't been like that for everyone here.

Being brave enough (or stupid enough lol) to try again after false reconciliation is a huge thing.


Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)

Yes, NA.

I do applaud myself for *really trying*, too.

Right down to joing a support group for Wives of bi/gay husbands (some of those M do work out with some fine tuning; there just has to be NO infidelity, however).

Heck, I was even willing to help him *out* of the closet, etc. (They advised me not to & I was puzzled. They said that it would hurt me much more, in the End, as he was enjoying his NEW Life...as I lay stuck back in mine; they were RIGHT.)

False R's gave me so much Hope!

I think WH just is a Cakeman...Con artist...whatever...yes, will never understand.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)

Being brave enough (or stupid enough lol) to try again after false reconciliation is a huge thing.

Yes.It costs you something of your soul and your very being.
It's a high price to pay.
I could see paying it once.MAYBE.
But after mutiple FR's I personally don't have enough in my account.
It's overdrawn and I'm running on bankrupt.

Him still being active and enjoying it just rubs salt into the wounds.

I used to believe in Karma as a "What goes around, comes around" thing but I sure haven't seen much come around to him that wasn't good or much come around to me that wasn't bad and made life harder.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
annben
Member
Member # 8703
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday)

I've had several false R's. Like, more than 5.

I moved out after D-day. 22yo OW moved in. She dumped his ass shortly after for his friend.

First attempt at reconciliation, I became pregnant.

Ten weeks later, he tells me to get a lawyer, he wants a divorce.

Then he changes his mind. "let's work it out," he says. During this time he'd disappear for days at a time. I would worry if he was dead. When he finally did return, I found OW's # in his phone, although he thought he was crafty by listing her under a male name. (He did this before
D-day, too, just a different male name.)

Leaves "for good." Comes home a few weeks later. He's nice for a while, but always ends up getting mad for me "checking up on him."

My daughter is born 10/06. He's not around.

Try again 12/06. By March, 07 he dissappears for a week again.

June 07, I move, August 07, I tell him I'm filing, and wouldn't you know it? NOW, he "really wants to make it work."

I looked soooo stupid for soooo long. All I ever wanted was to believe what my husband was telling me. I WANTED to believe him because I LOVED him.

I LOVED him. I did.

I no longer do.

Yes, I can relate to false R.

(((everybody)))


D-Day 11/01/05

You can't close the door when the walls cave in.


Posts: 2765 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From:
annben
Member
Member # 8703
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday)

I just wanted to add, that I do admit, that each time we gave it another shot (make that, that *I* gave it another shot) I made life harder and harder for him, because of the lack of trust, and the fact that I was hating myself for not having the balls to tell him to get lost.

I lost all respect for him, and myself. Looking back, I must have been absolutely horrible to live with. No wonder he couldn't take it.

I finally grew those balls. Started liking myslef better. And I'm guessing I'm looking pretty damn attractive to him again.

Sigh.

What a fucking shame. What a fucking waste.

[This message edited by annben at 11:09 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]


D-Day 11/01/05

You can't close the door when the walls cave in.


Posts: 2765 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From:
kajsa
Member
Member # 12031
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, January 3rd (Thursday)

I'm not sure that I "qualify" as a false recon victim but the process was a failure nonetheless. We started counseling because of my concern about his having developed some kind of relationship with a stripper, any stripper, I had no proof. I wanted him to stop going to strip clubs, never liked it when he did, but insisted he stop altogether after I found out about his escort episode. He agreed to stop for awhile. This led to another round of counseling due to strip club issues (we had already done the counseling route with a different counselor re: the escort). Anyway, throughout the 10 months of counseling he insisted that he had no "special" stripper, whoever was dancing that night got his money. I was concerned more about this issue than the escort because he was seeing the same girls on a regular basis whereas the escort was a ONSx2 and lived a couple of hours away. These strip clubs are local. After 10 months of counseling and him swearing up and down that he had no ATF I find out, on my own, that he did indeed have an ATF, that he spent thousands, tens of thousands on her, that he took her to the casino one Saturday night while I was away at a family wedding, that he had her cell# and she had his and that they texted back and forth on a regular basis and that he was known in that club as "Lisa's guy" so no other dancer would approach him. He stopped seeing her, so he says, months before we started this second round of counseling. But throughout that counseling he flat out said that I was "spinning" things, I was crazy to think these things, and one night even called me a psycho because I insisted that I knew he wasn't being honest with me about his not having developed a relationship with a stripper. I don't know which hurts more, the fact that he expended so much emotion and money on this girl (for over a year) or the fact that he could let me believe that maybe I was beginning to lose my ablility to think clearly, that is, going crazy. So, even though he says he had no contact with this girl months prior to our counseling and reconciliation efforts, I still feel as though this probably is considered a false reconciliation. Whatever it was, it was extremely cruel. It gave me hope when there really wasn't any there.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: NJ
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)

I belong here.

We had false R from November 2005 (Dday 1) until ????. He says he ended it in mid January of 2006 but I think it went on until he left the job (June 2006). OW was a coworker. He dragged his feet about finding a new job until I finally laid down an ultimatum. Find a new job by July 1 or get the F out. He says she cried and carried on when he finally left the job. She honestly thought he was going to leave me for her.

Anyway, i didn't find out about the false R until September of 2007 when he did his big "purge" of everything that i still didn't know.

Yep, feeling like a fucking fool would pretty much cover it. I was SURE that I was watching him like a fucking HAWK.

Final nail in the coffin for me.

It's kinda funny (in a sad way). I've seen on here so many times where people will say "You will just KNOW when it's over." And with that last d-day, I did. I just KNEW that was it for me.

He swears up, down, and sideways that it's been over since 2006.

It doesn't matter to me anymore. I don't trust him and I don't believe anything he says.

He cries and begs me not to D him. I have no reaction to his emotion. Cold as ice. And I hate feeling that way.


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
DMS88
Member
Member # 13461
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)

I was in a false reconciliation for ten months (that is assuming the affair is now over). What was really bad is when you look back to all the gaslighting that went on.

I mean he went out to do an errand that should have lasted two hours and he is gone 5 hours. He gave me all types of excuses and we had a huge fight. Today I thought back to that fight and now knowing that we were in a falce reconciliation, I know I was right... he was calling her.

But he made me feel like I was a horrible person for not trusting him. That I was paronoid and completely unfair to him.

Looking back I now see red. And unfortunately for me, when I try to call him on things like this he doesn't remember what he said.... yeah, he doesn't remember because it was all a lie and his head was so far up his butt he could do his own colonoscopy.


Me: 47 years old
Husband: 46 years old
Married: 22 years, together 25
Two children, 7 & 8
Discovered the affair: 4 Jan '07. It started in March '06.
Second D-Day 9 October 2007 (same woman).
Reconciling--hopefully not a false R

Posts: 1518 | Registered: Jan 2007
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)

Whatever it was, it was extremely cruel. It gave me hope when there really wasn't any there.

I think that's about the best way I've heard it put yet.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, January 4th (Friday)

I think it's important for people to realize that almost always there is a second dday.
In the majority of stories I've seen come and go on this site since I have been here at it's beginning there have been second ddays.
Some, as we have seen on this thread, have even more than that.

Sometimes there are happy endings that come out of this (like me! ) and sometimes it's the last straw.

You never know what you are going to do until you are put into that position.

With me, there is no way I would have reconciled after dday 2 if my H hadn't been completely remorseful and totally out of the fog that day.
That really was the beginning of our real reconciliation.
But I also let him know that we were started back at step one...no, even before step one because I trusted him even less that I did after dday one.

He worked so hard to prove himself to me.
We have reaped the benefits of the hard work that both of us have done.


Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
Jasmine
Member
Member # 16946
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 4th (Friday)

I had four d-days and am in R.

FWS didnt see OW while in R, "I dont have anything to do with her/I dont see her/ I dont talk to her"

but the whole time the OW would follow me and fish for my FWS and he would do nothing about it.

Last summer, he went to a bar where she was so it was and then he did it again in the fall... a dealbreaker and I left and got another place (I have moved many times since the affair was discovered) so I leave and that means = he goes back there.

Not only that, but tells the OW, my fucking worst enemy, about vicious email from MIL and that the car he bought me was his (and he kept it from me too claiming repairs)

...and

he told her that (again) he didnt want to lose his kids and he sacrificed also called me a mental case, ugly, blah blah.

We have been in R again for two months. OW has gone mental and wrote me about what a piece of shit she is.

FWS wrote the NC letter but it didnt say it was over and he didnt say he didnt love her. He said he loved me and his kids.

Sidenote about WS's: I was talking to a friend and her boyfriend mentioned that men have a period where they dont care (during a fight) but after a month or two they come around and start persuing again, which is what FWS did.

I didnt beg him back. I wasnt even going to tell him where I lived. My ten year old blabbed under pressure, lots of Christmasy like feelings and now we're back in R.

I dont want a d-day number five.

It sould also be mentioned that I hate OW, but she should have enough to occupy herself for the time being, since her adult daughter and her DD's three illigitimate kids and baby daddy #3 moved back in with the OW.

I guess, according to the court access website, DD & baby daddy lost their place, the bank is taking DD to small claims for bad checks and DD's car also got re'poed.


The trick you said, was never play the game too long...

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Nov 2007
DMS88
Member
Member # 13461
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, January 4th (Friday)

You know, I say I have had two D-Days, but I think I have had about 6 in reality.

I didn't count the multiple times I caught him breaking NC the first month. I figure he was deep in the fog and going through withdraws. I guess I didn't see them as D-Days because I never believed the affair was over.

After 10 months I thought it was finally over... only to find out from the OW that it wasn't.

But I found out from her because he finally did END it.

So I was so torn. I wanted to reconcile, but my gut was telling me in the last ten months that I shouldn't trust him. Now my gut is telling me he was telling the truth.

It is hard to believe your husband is cheating on you when the OW is writing abusive letters and emails saying he is an A-hole.

Let me tell you 2007 was one of the worst years of my life.


Me: 47 years old
Husband: 46 years old
Married: 22 years, together 25
Two children, 7 & 8
Discovered the affair: 4 Jan '07. It started in March '06.
Second D-Day 9 October 2007 (same woman).
Reconciling--hopefully not a false R

Posts: 1518 | Registered: Jan 2007
HeartOfGlass
Member
Member # 17626
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, January 5th (Saturday)

The several false R's I've been bs'd into for the past 6 months have been MORE painful than dday1 ever was.

I just wish they would freaking OUT with it already. Stop fencesitting/cakeeating & tearing our guts out even more. Mine has done this MANY times. The last he actually said, after I learned from the OWH no less via email- that he'd been lying to me for months, and the affair had gone physical AND she was D'ing her husband to be with MY WH... "Well, I mean your the one asking to keep trying.."

WTF?! This man should be on his KNEES begging for a shot, not saying I'm to beg. *sigh* That is what is so sick & twisted about ALL this crap. How the BS is often made to feel less, inferior, worthless, a "choice" instead of a priority. It is absolutely horridly cruel. I know from experience. Right now there isn't even an R being discussed.. in a way it's a relief for no more false hope. In another way, it tears my guts out


BSO (me) 32 WSO (him) 27
4 Ddays False R #3 (final) Jan 1/07
Engaged/togthr 7 yrs. MOW D'ing BH for my WSO. I'm movin' on & glad of it!

Posts: 407 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Midwest
annben
Member
Member # 8703
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, January 5th (Saturday)

Okay. Let me ask this, to those that have successfully reconciled, or are still trying to . ('Cause me, I am DONE.)


If you had a friend or a sister, or anyone you loved, who was going through this, I mean NUMEROUS bullshit reconciliations, where WS was just obviously (well obvious to most except the BS, who wants to believe their WS) playing some kind of game, when would you give the advice to move on?

I was hearing it here DAILY at SI, yet I wouldn't listen. I'd have saved myself so much humiliation. So much self-loathing.


D-Day 11/01/05

You can't close the door when the walls cave in.


Posts: 2765 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From:
drowninginsorrow
Member
Member # 4545
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, January 5th (Saturday)

i had a really great friend annben... she might have a lot to do with why i am where i am today... know why? she never advised me to do anything... she was just "there" ... she was an open phone connection in the wee hours of the morning ... even if i didn't want to talk... just so i felt connected... she was honest... really honest about possible scenarios...(having been FOW she knew some of the lines and lies and things that i might have missed) she sent an email to people in my email contacts... friends who knew.. and family... urging them to be supportive but NOT advise me what to do or pass judgement on my decisions....

that is what i needed... i felt loved by her and her H... supported and loved and comforted and held... but never told what to do... i felt confident in my decisions because she had confidence in me....

so what would i advise anyone? nothing...i couldn't take responsibility for trying to sway someone elses life in that huge of a way... we are talking huge life altering decisions.... life long implications...that is so not my place...

i couldn't possibly advise someone on what infidelity is unforgiveable or how many ddays are unacceptable or how long a false R is a deal breaker...


my friend... she took me to a lawyer... her husband changed the locks on the house... she screened my calls and her and her H stayed with me in the house the night mr D left with his things....

and she hugged him and cried and said it would be hard because she'd been there... but she had faith in him and would do everything she could to support him also when he came home...

i know in my heart it was very very hard for her... because she loves me dearly... and my kids ... and mrD.... i know it pained her to NOT advise me... but her gift to me in doing everything she did... was that i and only i made my choices... and never had any doubt or feeling that maybe i was influenced or coerced into doing something that wasn't my own choice

god deliver any of my friends or daughters from this situation...but should it happen... i would hope i could be as strong and wise as she was...

the false R's (moving in... and out... in... and out...) boy i'm sure her advice had she felt it was her place... would have been to cut my losses... and i was scared and may very well have listened... being told what to do would have been a relief at one point.... god bless her for being so wise


Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.- Matt Groening
"I've found the secret to life. I'm ok when everything is not ok"- Tori Amos lyrics

Posts: 56712 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: canuckistan
annben
Member
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Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, January 5th (Saturday)

thanks, DIS


D-Day 11/01/05

You can't close the door when the walls cave in.


Posts: 2765 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From:
Jasmine
Member
Member # 16946
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, January 5th (Saturday)

I have zero suppport system here at home. Nor does FWS talk about it, he just mouths my words back at me.

I no longer believe in love, or that he loves me, cause he went right back there knowing how much it would devistate me. He wanted to hurt me. Im married to a very angry little boy.

Something happened to me, I detached from him as he stood there telling me off as I was leaving him. He didnt say he loved me> he put me down. He had a choice of words and he chose to tell me how bad I was to justify.

Then he went back to OW and made our R look like a sacrifice he had to make for his kids. That OW would always be in his heart.

There is nothing to show that he told her it was over. When I see that, maybe my beliefs would change.

After waiting four years for the NC letter, his NC letter was fucked up, not even sure it was even mailed to her, but hes the one who had to write it. I couldnt write it for him.

I asked him to make a copy for me. It wasnt addressed "Dear OW", nor was it signed. It didnt say it was over and it didnt say he didnt love her. Then my copy "disappeared" go figure.

Im headed for another false R - d-day cause nothings changed. SSDD.


The trick you said, was never play the game too long...

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Nov 2007
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, January 5th (Saturday)

I was wondering what kinds of "promises" were made in the False R?

WH made a ton of them. It was related to what I wanted to hear, but not what he actually intended on doing.

And, I believed him (because I really, really WANTED TO R).

Anyone else?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
drowninginsorrow
Member
Member # 4545
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, January 5th (Saturday)

this possibly bizarre... but i got a lot of "i'm sorry"s when it was false R... "i'm sorry" was very very long time coming in true R....

i believe it has something to do with being very easy to say what someone thinks they should to shut someone up or pass something off... as opposed to really feeling remorseful and meaning it....and actually saying sorry when you are feeling sorry


Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.- Matt Groening
"I've found the secret to life. I'm ok when everything is not ok"- Tori Amos lyrics

Posts: 56712 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: canuckistan
annben
Member
Member # 8703
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, January 5th (Saturday)

Promises?

"I won't fuck anyone else."

"You know every detail. There are no more suprises, I swear."

"I will call you if I'll be more than 5 minutes late."


D-Day 11/01/05

You can't close the door when the walls cave in.


Posts: 2765 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From:
Jasmine
Member
Member # 16946
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 5th (Saturday)

How about "its over"

wash. lather. rinse. repeat.


The trick you said, was never play the game too long...

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Nov 2007
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, January 5th (Saturday)

I got:

'It was nothing...you are crazy to think I'm not being sincere...she was just a whore who didn't mean anything to me because I love you, and only you...why can't you let bygones be bygones?...I'll never do it again, promise...I just have this *lust problem* is all...I was just making conversation...I didn't really DO anything...she doesn't mean a thing to me and I'll go to therapy if YOU really want me to...I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...'


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
HeartOfGlass
Member
Member # 17626
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, January 5th (Saturday)

dday1 when he had to see my face/eyes and the devastation just discovering the E/A had caused- he was literally crying on his knees begging forgiveness. Swearing MC and IC. When IC suggested we separate to diff states, he begged me not to go but we did it because we thought we were saving "us". For the next few weeks, he was as loving & remorseful as you'd expect long distance. Then suddenly.. he needed "alone time" and he needed "space" and the calls, emails, chats, stopped abruptly. I found out later he had resumed the E/A with the MOW & took it P/A no less. She began divorce papers on her husband, who was also blindsided and devastated like me- and that's when OWH told me the "news". So from Aug-Nov all false R. Then, after discovering P/A decided to try second R with strict NC and heavy IC for him there too. He agreed. NC seemed to be intact, hard to tell considering all this internet BS to begin with, but the OWH even said he was pretty sure it was done too for my WS & OW.

Then, just prior to CHristmas he cancelled a drive here with my things, the cat- etc- and FINALLY the first face-to-face for us since August. I felt and my IC felt, this could make HUGE progress for R. He agreed to see IC with me while here. Well, he cancelled as I said right before xmas. I was crushed. He then told me again that he "didn't love me anymore" (which started right at the time of the P/A of course) and didnt think things could ever work out... another false R.

Finally, in January I was desperate enough to have closure or R one or the other. I planned to fly him & my cat here for short weekend trip to prob closure, if not- see IC and try R again. Yet he did not "love" me still. I was not happy enough with that. I talked to OWH again & this time got some SERIOUSLY shitty news that invalidated every single R from beginning because affair began (E/A) LONG before I knew and he was already promising to leave me and MARRY HER mind you (married as she already was and him engaged) etc. HORRIBLY Painful proof, but I had to know before I spent a fortune since he said he couldn't afford it. I got my info alright. So altogether how many false R's? Lies? Broken Promises? TEN times worse than ddays imo. At this point we no longer discuss R- though I feel he quit before he ever even TRIED and I blame half of that on that married whore. He is the third man she has homewrecked so far. The other two married men had several kids too... real gem there.


BSO (me) 32 WSO (him) 27
4 Ddays False R #3 (final) Jan 1/07
Engaged/togthr 7 yrs. MOW D'ing BH for my WSO. I'm movin' on & glad of it!

Posts: 407 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Midwest
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, January 5th (Saturday)

This is NOT a vent thread about the OW or OM.
Please keep that in mind and post accordingly.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
HeartOfGlass
Member
Member # 17626
Shocked  Posted: 3:35 PM, January 5th (Saturday)

Sorry.. I didn't realize. I just read about not turning it into a "leave their ass" thread & should've read more thoroughly I guess.

It IS hard to exclude the OP's role in false R's because though our WS may be 90% responsible, the OP can also be VERY manipulative, down right stalking behavior etc- and that plays it's own role. Anyway, didn't mean to make waves.


BSO (me) 32 WSO (him) 27
4 Ddays False R #3 (final) Jan 1/07
Engaged/togthr 7 yrs. MOW D'ing BH for my WSO. I'm movin' on & glad of it!

Posts: 407 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, January 5th (Saturday)

That post was not intended towards anyone here in specific but rather a general reminder.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, January 5th (Saturday)

Help me, because I'm quite confused here.

I don't expect to ever R with my WH.

Yet, I have been through *numerous* False R's with him.

Do I keep posting here?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
annben
Member
Member # 8703
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, January 6th (Sunday)

Me too?


D-Day 11/01/05

You can't close the door when the walls cave in.


Posts: 2765 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From:
luvmyfamily
Member
Member # 16068
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, January 6th (Sunday)

I can totally relate to false recovery. Sometimes I panic and think we're in false recover right now. He has been trying but the trust is gone. Why would he be telling me the truth this time around? He doesn't want to lose me or the kids but sometimes I wonder if he does't want to lose his "double" life. I mean, having your cake and eating it too is the best of both worlds right? A huge insentive to continue with the lies. False recovery only created more mistrust for me. Sure hope this is the real deal this time around because there is nothing left inside me to give.


Married 10 years
Me BS-33 WS-34
D Day 7/22/07
2 beautiful children
D-9 S-6
Trying to recover.

The future is uncertain,
Desire and reality to not relate,
The hope I have within shall be determined by fate. (author, Me)


Posts: 627 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Massachusetts
Drowning
Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, January 6th (Sunday)

Just as I was very sad to find myself at this website, I'm just as sad (maybe even sadder) to find myself in this thread.

My story:

Husband works overseas alot, had a ONS and I found out a little over a year ago. After a long time of "sitting on the fence" I decided to give him a second chance. Those 11 months were really rocky but things left on a REALLY good note when he returned overseas to work again.
A few weeks later, we got i a completely silly argument, It wasn't a big deal, the argument was silly but I haven't heard from him since that night. That was in September! He works overseas so we don't see eachother either.

I'm beyond devestated I can't even find the words.


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
annben
Member
Member # 8703
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, January 6th (Sunday)

Drowning, I read about your story in your other thread. I'm sorry.


I just wanted to add that in one of the many false reconciliations, one of his terms (have you ever? HE has the affair, but he's giving ME terms to reconcile??? What's crazier is that I considered them!) was that I was "forbidden" to log on to SI anymore.

Yeah, that lasted.


D-Day 11/01/05

You can't close the door when the walls cave in.


Posts: 2765 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From:
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, January 6th (Sunday)

was that I was "forbidden" to log on to SI anymore.

I'll bet that was a HUGE red flag.

"Trust me.The cheater that cheated on you, lied to you.
The cheater that has given a false R or 2 or 99.
You need no support from anyone but a fine person(cheater/liar) like me.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, January 6th (Sunday)


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, January 7th (Monday)

Dreamy, I'm repeating 5000x what's in your siggy line.
Except I'm putting my own spin on it.

"He's a FUCKTARD" 5000X

It helps, isn't that ?
He called me today while I was at work and I couldn't answer(busy).
It's like a reflex anymore that the first thought that pops into my head is "What?" "You mean you hung up on hoochiemama long enough to call me?"
The second thought is "Why don't you call her back?""I'm sure she wants to talk to you more than I do".

He left a VM giving me some BS about no $$$ and he had to borrow some from stepmom to send to me.
Is it true?
Seriously frikken doubt it.
Don't really care to hear his sorryass excuses for whatever anymore.

I did get some small bitter satisfaction that he sounded sickern' a dawg and miserable.
Wonder if she "gave" him something.

Noticed he's still jacking me around on the $$$.
So why should that behaviour change when no other behaviour changed?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)

IC said today that I am suffering from severe depression...I cannot take A/D's.
She feels the death of my son is compounding my depression & healing. It has made this even worse than the average "infidelity".
I'm already dreading my son's death anniv. on April 23rd because I fall apart, year after year...so IC wants to try an "experiment": She does not want me opening up & reading WH's e-mails for 2 weeks.
In essence, do NC.
When I got home, I was really feeling crappy.
So...I got on heartlessbitches.com & I felt better...then read Og Mandino's site awhile...he was the motivational speaker who said:
"Never make anyone a priority who doesn't make you an option".

[This message edited by dreamlife at 2:50 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)

Dreamy, that OG saying has been resonating through this whole board.
It's a great saying and really captures the essence of what's happened to many of us here.

Here's another one I like.
Can't remember who said it.
"Don't let the bastards wear you down".

Here's something someone said to me last night.
No one from SI so I can repeat it here.


You do what you must with all of the divorce proceedings. It's just life. We can't anticipate all of the curve balls it throws us. We can only respond. And, hopefully, we respond with grace and humor.

Grace and humor.Hmmm,I guess the grace I can claim is that I haven't stooped to my stbxdaft's level and have really improved on what I say in front of the kids.
As far as the humor, I gat to be as snarky as I wannabe.

And really...when you hear some of the crap that flies out of his mouth ya gotta laugh because it's so inane.

Like the other day,I jacked him up about the $$$ he owes me.
He went into a full blown tirade about some of his posessions that's here at the house, saying I won't let him get them and on and on about his debts and how he's over a month behind blah blah fuckity blah.

Funny how this stuff gets turned around and twisted to where I'm the bad guy and I've done him soooo wrong.

Forget the fact the man can't handle $$$ let alone his dick.
Forget the fact that I and the kids have to suffer and do without when he doesn't give me what he owes.
None of that crap matters to him as much as his stuff or hisbills.

There's just so much humor to be found in this kind of whack thinking.
Times like this, I wish I was a comedian.
I'd have a field day.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)

This is NOT a vent thread about the OW or OM, OR the WS.
Please keep that in mind and post accordingly.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)

Another false R survivor here. And then of course since I ended up getting a D anyway I know for long time I felt cheated. Like on one hand I felt he never gave "us" a chance and on the other hand what was the point of faking it and wasting all that money on MC and stuff.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49406 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)

Yes, DCK, I could not have posted better on the feelings of being cheated, duped, & just *wasting my precious time*!!!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
bpositive
Member
Member # 5981
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)

Me too Kitty. Several d-days and several false R's.

It took a long time for me to accept the fact that even though I was the one to initiate the divorce, I was not the one who ended the marriage.


"If you're happy and you know it..."
1 in 3 US women die of heart disease. Take charge of your health and your life!

Posts: 6299 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: breathe.
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)

SI Staff, If I'm the one you're referring to, it was never meant as a vent.
I was actually being snarky.
Trying to find humor in my sorry life.

I'm so sorry.I will remove it immediately if you like.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)

I think kat said it best...well, to me she did...when she talked about putting *hope* out there then snatching it away, repeatedly.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)

Dreamy, or offering something that was never really there.
One thing that gets me about FR's is that the BS has been big enough to take another chance and is willing to do what they can to get past the infidelity and it's all a complete sham.
The BS gets suckered into thinking that their relarionship w/their WS can be saved.
Meanwhile WS is still actively pursuing their A.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
pitiful
Member
Member # 8137
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)

I am the queen of FR. That is my world. The pain of FR is unbearable. It is almost a game now, to see what lies I can discover.
I am staying for my personal reason for the time being. I have a plan, it involves property and $. WH works on the road, so we have a LDR at the best.
FR is like someone breaking your fingers after they have already broken your arm.
I am trying to rbuild my self-esteem, but it is a slow process. I still hold out hope, just a glimmer, for true R, BUT life has to go on.
We share a tremendous bond of pain, whether still in FR, D, or happily R.
Thanks for this thread.


luv u bye


Posts: 1709 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: il
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)

pitiful, at least you're in good company here.

I think that someone pulling a FR on their BS has entered a new level of mind fuck.

I still haven't figured out which is worse.
The original finding out what's going on from your kids or finding out after being gaslighted that it's still going on after everything else and all the stuff that goes through your head.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)

Its like being repeatedly kicked & punched when one is already...down.
Its goddamned dirty fucking pool.

oops, maybe I wasn't supposed to say that...sorry.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)

When I discovered the false reconciliation it shocked me how often it really happens.
If you look at a large number of people on this board we would see that false R happens all the time.
It's very sad.

It makes reconciling even harder.


Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)

I can't find anything on the net that really deals w/how to handle FR's.

The black hole of the internet.

Because it sucks soooo bad.

You'd think that as often as it seems to happen(and we've all seen it or been through it here), that there would be a plethora of info.

I think the SI community is like a microcosmic slice of life of the whole entire world.
We have people from all societies and walks of life here.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
annben
Member
Member # 8703
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, January 10th (Thursday)

False reconciliation definitely hurt "us." But I think it destroyed "me."

After first D-day, I was sad and angry.

After each successive bs R, my self-loathing grew.

What is wrong with me that I can't:

a)keep my husband?
b)LEAVE my husband?
c)just not give a shit instead of letting this eat me alive?

And why, why, WHY did it take me actually getting to the point of where I truly did not give a shit for him to "think he's ready to come around?"


D-Day 11/01/05

You can't close the door when the walls cave in.


Posts: 2765 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From:
Drowning
Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, January 11th (Friday)

Someone a few posts back said something along the lines of a false R being like having your fingers broken after they've already broken your arm.

I so agree! An interesting way to explain/phrase it and totally dead-on.

I guess the thing that really devestates me the most about my situation is that he just stopped contact totally and even now, months later, I have no idea what happened, why it happened, what he's doing, etc. No closure whatsoever. I would think that after 9 years with a person, they'd be worth enough to not do something like that to. I mean I definitely pondered the idea of having my husband come home to an empty house one day suddenly, but I decided I just couldn't do that to someone I shared so much of my life with- that even though he disrespected me, I had enough respect for him (and myself) to never want to end things in that sort of way.

False R hurts so badly, that's all I've got to say.


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, January 12th (Saturday)

I think I've had an insight breakthrough.
After all the stuff from the last couple of days this occurred to me.
I think that it's possible that during an A our So vilifies us to be a bad guy to excuse their behaviour.
And possibly during a FR they continue to see us that way so on some level internally they aren't able to make a true R.
I'm wondering right now if that's what's going on with my daft.

I think he sees me as someone so evil, he can't see me any other way.
Need to do some more thinking on this and some input from y'all.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, January 12th (Saturday)

I think I know what you mean, HB. I often felt like I was cast in a few "roles":

1) mommy

2) cop

3) wicked witch/bitch

4) nurse

All negatives. WH could thus justify his FR/behaviors & thus obtain *relief*.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, January 12th (Saturday)

I just keep going back to the thought "why bother if it isn't real?"


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 12th (Saturday)

Well, with a rational person & in a rational world view or situation...yes, why bother indeed?
I was reading a book on Predators/Sociopaths who enjoy
*fooling* people.
The term is "duping delight".
My SIL confirmed that her brother enjoyed 'pulling the wool over people's eyes'...so I think this FITS, in my sitch.
Some get a vicarious thrill...


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, January 13th (Sunday)

I had a good day hanging out with a friend today and we discussed this.
She knew someone that was M and their W had decided she wanted to be D.

She was nice to her H but you know how that's not enough.
He asked her one time why and she told him that it was to make him feel better.
He told her it wasn't making him feel better at all.

So that got me to wondering if that's why some R's are false.
because a WS is trying to make us feel better.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, January 14th (Monday)

As in...she was trying to "spare his hurt feelings", hmmm?

I'd rather have complete honesty & bite the bullet, but I know what you mean, HB.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, January 14th (Monday)

But that's what I don't understand.
Was this to also make herself feel better like she was doing him this great wonderful fantabulous favor?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, January 14th (Monday)

Not quite sure I follow you, HB...could you elaborate, please?
My depression is making me a bit brain dead.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, January 24th (Thursday)

Dreamy, I don't know if I fully understand it myself.
Maybe it's a case of
"if I treat my BS nice maybe I'm not hurting them so bad and I'm not such a bad person".

Does that make any sense?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, January 25th (Friday)

hmmmm...HB, if you say so.

I never felt bad or guilt with the POS.

Every FR felt *heavier* & more crushing than the next is all I know. It was: CUMMULATIVE.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, January 26th (Saturday)

It's hard dealing w/ the FR's.
When I was in the hospital, I was wishing he could be there by my side so much.
Then it would hit me that he wasn't because of his choices.
That really hurt.I guess it's all part of that being their "option" "thang".

I still don't know how to deal with the FR's.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, January 27th (Sunday)

Why does a WS even bother to keep up the charade of a FR?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)

Huge hugs, HB.

Why? In my case, I feel its called *duping delight*.

As in: 'hehe, fooled her, again'!

Seriously, I think psycho really gets OFF on it!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Betrayal
Member
Member # 9898
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)

Why does a WS even bother to keep up the charade of a FR?
(((Hugs))) My sit is a bit different b/c of the npd but 2 yrs after the first d-day and a year after filing and being seperated stbx wanted to "try", that only lasted about 2 weeks thank god for me. I truly think that because i "exposed" him and people saw him w/out his mask he had to do something to prove he was not the bad guy, and also i think he thought he could have his cake and eat it too, but because of my renewed self respect and expectations he could no longer get the N supply from me as well as be able to compartmentalize. Even ws's without personality disorders find it easier to do the compartmentilizing and we/they do seek out what is familiar it's all we/they know..IC/MC-or faith based counseling on a consistent basis for a min of a year is really the only way to tell if a ws is serious about R, imo.. Again, i think that ws do the false R so they aren't the "bad" guy.


Me,38 BS
Divorced
Married
DS Born 9/6/10

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: IL
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, January 29th (Tuesday)

My WH is a "low warmth" sociopathic type who sooo enjoys "pulling the wool" over everyone's eyes.
His sister, a nurse, has told me this, & I have witnessed it many times, myself.
So it would stand to reason that in MY sitch, he thoroughly enjoys doing the FR.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, January 30th (Wednesday)

I'm only realizing recently how isolated I am from his family.
They tell me nothing about him or what he's doing.
I don't really care about that so much except I would like to know when he's going to pull some shitty deed on me and the kids.
Whenever he was home off the road was the only time they called here.

So now, the only one that calls is SIL who is the siste and daughter of his OW's.
I think she's just fishing for info to feed him about what I'm doing or what's going on in my day to day life.
Which should be pretty obvious anyway because she and I work at the same place.

I'm beginning to feel double teamed by them.
And I don't like it.
I think I'm going to tell her off very soon.
I just need to figure out a classy way to do it.
Any ideas?

Again, i think that ws do the false R so they aren't the "bad" guy.

Betrayal, can you explain?
I don't understand, because if it's a FR and they get busted doing more crap, how can they NOT be the bad guy?
I feel so trying to figure this one out.
Did fucktard not think I would eventually find out or figure it out?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Sad  Posted: 8:54 AM, January 31st (Thursday)

Had to talk to daft last night about when he's going to be here to get the kids.

It was so weird.He was nice and friendly.
I guess he can afford to be after screwing me out of so much and screwing up the final court date.

How can he be nice (relative term) to me after the last FR?
I've been feeling thrown away really bad lately.
I feel like he threw away a sure thing(me) for a maybe thing(internet dating).
That is really a hard blow to my self esteem.
Is it that I wasn't important enough to him to be honest with me?
Isn't that how all his A crap w/ 2 women(that I know of) started?
Did I mean so little to him that he didn't care how I felt when I found him signed up on AFF during our last FR?

I really need help understanding all of this.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
HeartOfGlass
Member
Member # 17626
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)

Im so sorry HB :( I know how much these FR's freaking hurt & kill us, tiny bits of our soul every time it feels like anyway.

Hang in there- all i know to do is keep talking to my ic, taking AD & anxiety meds to survive this horrible mess. at least I guess - if theres SOMETHING positive it would be no more false r's for me. ever. he's with the MOW for good, building a brand new beautiful life together as we speak. that hurts like HELL but you know it STILL hurts less than his false R's and lies I guess..


BSO (me) 32 WSO (him) 27
4 Ddays False R #3 (final) Jan 1/07
Engaged/togthr 7 yrs. MOW D'ing BH for my WSO. I'm movin' on & glad of it!

Posts: 407 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Midwest
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, February 9th (Saturday)

if theres SOMETHING positive it would be no more false r's for me.

Wow! I hadn't thought of that.
I will be doing a lot of thinking about that today.
I was so low and depressed last night because of all this.
I miss being happily married.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Boadicea
Member
Member # 18032
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, February 9th (Saturday)

I went through 3 different False R. I think because of that, 2 years after DDay (June 2006) I'm still obsessing over stuff, even though we are in R. (as far as I know)

My HB during the first False R still makes me want to puke, I feel so humiliated and angry.

To think that my H drove for hours to Md. to see the slut MOW once in June and to fuck her again for 2 days in Aug. while I remained at home or at work and continued to bend over backwards to work on our marriage, makes me want to strangle him. In spite of this, when he gave me to chance to slap him senseless for his betrayal, I couldn't or wouldn't do it.

I feel like such a worthless, wimp of a woman when I look back...

All this to say that I'm in R, but I don't know if it's real, and I don't know if it will last.

Above all, I ask myself how could I put up with such disrespect and still remain in the marriage?

I have to stop right now or I'll make myself miserable the rest of the day. I'll go do my truckload of laundry and later go to my swimming lesson. That should help...


“One man’s folly is often another man’s wife.” Helen Rowland

Posts: 751 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: New York City
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, February 9th (Saturday)

Hi guys, I dont think I really belong in this thread, but I just wanted to offer you my hugs and support. I know if I find out that Im in a false R, I would be crushed. The reason I dont know is because I found out my WH was in an EA relationship in 08/07, but before that, I had caught him (once, I think it was only once) having online sex w/ someone else. That was 10/06. So Im not sure if I could say it we were in R in between that time. But it sure did hurt. I read your stories and my heart goes out to you.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, February 9th (Saturday)

2yrs, yeah I'd call that a FR.
I'm beginning to think that by him not really ever telling me any details about what all he'd done after I found out and we decided to R the first time set me up for the second FR.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
momofone
Member
Member # 17374
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

I would say that I've had 4 FR. He tells me every time that he is ending it with her but I find evidence of lying every time too. I'm tired of it. This is it for me. I'm going 180 on him and giving it a few weeks....if she's not out of the picture by then, I will have to make a move.

How can they say they love us and do this? I just don't understand.


Posts: 126 | Registered: Dec 2007
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, February 14th (Thursday)

I don't think I could handle any more than I've already had.
I still don't understand why he even bothered to string me along.
He never really made an effort to do what it would've taken to have a true R.
I'm seeing that more clearly now.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, February 15th (Friday)

I'm getting a lot of info from this site...also a lot of support, too.
Because if he really loved me, he would not have done the things that he has to me, including FR.

IC pointed this out.

lovefraud.com

hugs, everybody


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, February 15th (Friday)

Just had a thought.
Is it possible that FR is possible when a WS doesn't want to do all the work it takes to repair their relationship w/ their BSO and it's just easier for them to float along and just act like they're having a true Reconciliation?

And at the first difficulty they go actively seeking AP's outside their M?

Is it possible they don't want to look into the abyss inside themselves and see just how much of a POS they are and how much damage they've caused others in their life?

Well, I'll be awake all night now.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Tigger114
Member
Member # 13446
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, February 16th (Saturday)

HB I think you are right. They really cant face what they have done. I m not sure if mine was one long false R or several small False Rs. All I know is he didnt have the strength to fight the feelings w and initiated contact again. Over the last 2 years I reckon he has been NC with her at the longest 12 weeks. Yet he kept coming back. Now he says he tried but really when i look he didnt try at all he just went through the motions. And guess what Id still have him back,. I miss him madly I pine for him even after all that . I dont think he cares at all. I can say that all this has turned him into a cold heartless bastard. That was no the man I married.


Me BS 42
Him WH 42
2 years on and off EA/PA
DDay 1 11/02/06
DDay 2 16/09/06
R since oct 06
DDay 3 27/04/07 (same OW)
DDay 4 11/10/07 Here we go again
DDay 5 07/02/08 Kicked him out all over bar the shouting now

Posts: 705 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: England
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, February 16th (Saturday)

HB & Tigger~

'cold heartless bastard' points to sociopathy. The inability to have a conscience, the inability to *feel* genuine feelings of remorse, the inability to LEARN & Profit from PAST mistakes as others in successful R have done.

Sometimes I'll lurk awhile in the R Forum & just go, "Wowww".
Its beautiful & honest to read in there.

The WS is genuinely making the *effort* required to R.

There is true remorse for having hurt the BS.

There is true COMMITMENT.

I don't feel this or see this with my WH -- oh, except for past manipulating "lip action" which was insincere to begin with.

Mine is incapable of true R because he just does not want to stop (because if it "feels good, DO IT" without a care in the world; its all me, me, ME.)...he just does not want to expend the EFFORT that it takes.

Its all bullshit.

And, I'm not coming back for repeated helpings at the bullshit banquet table is my stance now that I'm able to think more clearly, thanks to SI, and I recognize the abuse that repeated FR is.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
heftysmurf
Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, February 16th (Saturday)

I was due to post here. I had remorse for 3 weeks and than woop the contact with OM started. OM wants nothing to do with her. I now am in limbo waiting for her to really step up. I think in a way false R hurts more than the affair. It gives you the feeling WOW you hurt me and just do not care. Life sucks BIG sometimes.


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, February 16th (Saturday)

Dreamy, I don't go into the R forum much.
It's a big dark scary place to me.
And since we aren't R (false or otherwise) I really don't belong there.

Smurfy, I've been waiting for you here.

I think in a way false R hurts more than the affair. It gives you the feeling WOW you hurt me and just do not care.

You said it so well.

That's how I feel.
Like I wasn't important enough or our M wasn't important enough to him to do what he needed to do to try to repair the mess he's created.
It's aaaaall about him and him only.

I've told him for yrs that He does what he wants and he gets what he wants.
I guess that should've been a red flag for me.
Was I too dumb to know?

I guess so.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Kush
Member
Member # 9169
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, February 16th (Saturday)

I didn't now what a false R was. I guess I am too dumb to see the signs or in denial to continue following up. But foir the last 2 weeks WH and I have been talking about marriage counseling. Valentines was spectacular- roses and dinner out.
and then.......
he logged onto Match.com to contact more babes- he called two yesterday to make dates.
I am seeing a thread here
1) he likes the chaos
2) whenever we get close to intimacy- he runs to other women.
There are deep seeded issues he needs to deal with here.
I am wondering whether any of this iw worth it.
I can't spend my life checking him out.....
I feel for all of you who have posted- it's like being on a roller coaster(((to you all))))
Kush


Real honor is standing up for what you say you are, even when no one is looking.

Posts: 425 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Buffalo
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, February 16th (Saturday)

Kush, why that sounds EXACTLY like what my WH would do!
(But, I finally said *enough* & kicked him OUT!)


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, February 17th (Sunday)

Kush, that's pretty much what broke off our FR's.
Fucktard signed up on a dating site twice.
I found out about it.

So, no more chances for him.
I hope he's having a blast with his online conquests.
Many times I have thought about asking him "How's the online dating "thang" goin' for ya?" just to piss him off and get a dig in.
But I won't do it.
It's fun to think about though.

The D is starting to really heat up and things are very tense right now.

I'm tired of taking the high road.
It's a dead end for me, seems like.

I just want the D over and done.
This butterfly is getting tired of the cocoon.
She wants to spread her wings and fly in her new life.

I noticed while he was involved w/his skanks, he started to really age and look like hell.
I'm sure he's involved w/them again.
So he's probably starting to look bad again.
Hope they like the new improved him.

Not my problem anymore.
I wonder how long it'll be before he cheats on them.
Obviously they aren't supplying whatthefuck ever he needs either if he still has to go online and look for more skanks.
I'm thinking he thinks another skank will fix his ED problems.

Is it me or does that just go to show how fucked up his WS thinking is?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Kush
Member
Member # 9169
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, February 17th (Sunday)

I guess I need to throw in the towel too. I have tried so hard to understand his addiction, maybe I never will and it is time to give up.
Sad day for me.
Kush


Real honor is standing up for what you say you are, even when no one is looking.

Posts: 425 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Buffalo
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, February 17th (Sunday)

Been lied to & duped way too many times!

Even if WH were to still give me what I want for a true R *now* (transparency, etc.)...I just can never ever believe him, again.

Its too late!

Done too much damage!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Kush
Member
Member # 9169
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, February 18th (Monday)

Dream Life,
I confronted all the lies. It was a release for me to finally put everything on the table. Actually, I feel like a huge weight has been taken off my back.
H's reaction- it is all my fault (for looking at his emails) Makes no sense to me.
I responded and said if he hadn't used my computer to contact other women we wouldn't be having the discussion, but I said I am grateful to know what he has been up to.
(I have known for a long time, but didn't want to divulge the fact I was monitoring him since I already knew his passwords.
His passwords have all been changed.
I have been in touch with an attorney and am moving ahead to finalize our separation.
((((Thank you all!))))


Real honor is standing up for what you say you are, even when no one is looking.

Posts: 425 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Buffalo
Lonely_and_hurt
Member
Member # 18216
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, February 18th (Monday)

Yeah i sadly know too how it feels with false R.

Been there so many times in the last 6 months!!

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=216005

Thread contains full story - but sadly think im heading for another false R

OW completely out the picture - as she doesnt want him!! But now fear he is looking for someone else maybe ... either that or im just totally paranoid and over reacting.

Just not sure how many times i can do this.

I either want him to come home and work at this properly or leave me alone and never speak to me again.

Either way ... its gotta be easier than this hell hole


D-Day 1 August 07. D-Day 2 January 08 (same woman).
D-Day 3 March 08 NC never happened.
23 July 08 D-Day 4 NC broken by text. Another false R

Posts: 215 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: UK
Kush
Member
Member # 9169
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, February 18th (Monday)

(((KLonely & Hurt))))
I know the feeling sweetie.
When I looked at his activity on Adult friend finder- there were 91 Kisses sentm in 2 days. Sick huh?
I am beginning to thik my H is delusional.
There were also another 72 contacts in 30 days on Match.com (and he gave everyone of them his cell phone number, and about 20 more through Yahoo personals.
We all need a group hug.
There was no "R" just a fantasy!
Kush


Real honor is standing up for what you say you are, even when no one is looking.

Posts: 425 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Buffalo
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, February 20th (Wednesday)

Kush ~ no doubt about it, they have some sort of *disorder* (plural??) to do this FR shit to us, over & over.

Mine acts like a mild-mannered scholarly & even saintly person but in actuality he's a secretive online Freak in the Sheets type living a Dual Life.

Now, wouldn't that *age* anyone?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
drowninginsorrow
Member
Member # 4545
Red  Posted: 6:13 AM, February 20th (Wednesday)

this is a support thread ... there have been several warnings posted by moderators regarding generalizing, venting and name calling but it still persists

here is another warning... there will be no more name calling, venting and generalizations on this thread

thank you


Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.- Matt Groening
"I've found the secret to life. I'm ok when everything is not ok"- Tori Amos lyrics

Posts: 56712 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: canuckistan
Dane
Member
Member # 18129
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, February 20th (Wednesday)

Sorry, still new to the lingo. What is "gaslighting?" Not sure how to do a site search... Thanks!

Posts: 64 | Registered: Feb 2008
drowninginsorrow
Member
Member # 4545
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, February 20th (Wednesday)

this is a description of gaslighting from the healing library dane

http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ14


Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.- Matt Groening
"I've found the secret to life. I'm ok when everything is not ok"- Tori Amos lyrics

Posts: 56712 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: canuckistan
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, February 20th (Wednesday)

Sorry, DIS.

I don't know any other way to do this...so, I'm bowing out of this thread.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, February 22nd (Friday)

Had to talk to him a couple times this week because of kids.

The first time sadly it felt good to hear his voice for about 2 seconds.
Am I pathetic or what?

It was better the next few times.
I was able to keep distant and cool without really feeling involved with him.

I really don't know if I'm making any progress dealing w/ the FR's or not.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, February 23rd (Saturday)

Please help me, what do I do. After 6mos of R, I think he is going back to his old habits. He opened a myyearbook profile two days ago. He only has one friend but its one of his old female friends from h.s. Its still new and their is nothing incriminating on it, but why would he open it, add her and not tell me?? should i confront it now, or give his some rope to hang himself. i thought to wait and see what he does w/ it. Its already wrong, but i dont want him to try and excuse himself out of it. I was even thing of making a profile for myself w/ some nice looking pic of some woman and send him a message. See what he does. Please help, after we had such romantic Vday and everything is wonderful, how could he do this?

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 10:06 AM, February 23rd (Saturday)]


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 23rd (Saturday)

2y, I have no idea what to think.
The fact that he said nothing to you is a fred flag to me.

Have you thought about waiting to see what develops?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, February 23rd (Saturday)

Thats exactly what Im thinking, but its going to drive me crazy to wait.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Concerned  Posted: 11:31 AM, February 23rd (Saturday)

I really hope you're not in a FR.
FR's hurt so bad and are so devastating.
I don't know how to deal w/mine.

There's so many questions.
And I know I may never have them answered.
I think the main one is "why?".
Why bother if he never meant it to be genuine?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, February 24th (Sunday)

I've noticed when I have to call him that I can't seem to get off the phone fast enough.
Of course he can't seem to get off the phone fast enough either.

And it doesn't give me any pleasure to talk to him.
Is this a sign of progress?

I am so ready to have my D finalized.
I was so upset in January when he snuck to the judge and asked for more time.

I want a new life w/o him and all his lying cheating downgrading petty ways.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Newborn@home
Member
Member # 16383
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, February 29th (Friday)

It's hard for me to go into the R foreum as well because it reminds me of what my wh should be but isn't doing.


Me(36) Him(WH,42) D 3 yrs
Together 12yrs,married 5
S 6/1/2009, F for D 9/4/09
Ex & OW going on 4 yrs now
1st Dday 9/18/09- when baby was 19 weeks old

Posts: 330 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York City
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

Lately, I just can't seem to stop being sad about what a waste of so many things have come from all this.
It's like being sucked down into quicksand.

He's living the life of Riley, having a good ol' time as far as I know and here I am stuck in all the emo crap and day to day crap.

I wish I was Vulcan and had no emotions.
We all know how illogical they are.

I'm noticing that in some ways I'm compartmentalizing the pain and just trying to focus on making it another day through work and life in general.
Is that a bad "thang"?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Mine has always been a FR.At first he had me believing him but no more. I'm finally starting to realize that he will never get over his addiction and he may not even want to. I have always threatened to kick him out but never did it because I am a sahm, with no job and it has been hard to find one. So he knows that I am stuck here.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, March 8th (Saturday)

I posted this in "just found out" but I guess it goes here too. Im looking for lots ofHow can this be? He has beens so wonderful. He even surprised me we a getaway for Valentines Day. I asked for a detailed phone bill and I found out he called OW.
Their were only two, one for 22 minutes the other for 10. Thats two to many if you ask me. He tried to deny it, until he knew i had proof. He says he just wanted to know how she was doing. My God, I thought I was finally ready to forgive him. Now this. I feel like my heart was ripped right out of my chest. What do I do now? He insists he loves me and he doesnt want anything w/ her. I guess I knew it in my gut, thats why I kept my guard up. Please advise.
advice.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, March 8th (Saturday)

Thank you all for your responses. I so needed to hear from you.
I did something stupid a little while ago. I tried to contact her. I think she must have blocked my number or something, because I hear it ring then it just stops. I hate my self for it, but my stupidity (anger) didnt stop there. I sent her an email telling her to answer my calls or her family will soon find out what a homewrecker she is. Man, this crap sure brings out the worst in me. I have never threatened anyone in my life. This is so not me, I hate confrontations. I just feel a great need to talk to her. Oh, I know, I need to talk to him, I already did that. I got the same ole stuff, the Im sorries, I love you, Its you I want, I know what I did was wrong. We will continue trying but this relationship will never, ever be the same.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, March 11th (Tuesday)

2yrs, I couldn't handle it anymore when I found out that he had again signed up on AFF and paid for a silver account.
And tries to tell me he's just looking at porn.

That excuse didn't work the first time he did it, why would it work this time?

The part that gets me is if he wanted to continue his R w/ his women and chase women online why bother stringing me along?
It's just so chickenshit,KWIM?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, March 17th (Monday)

I'm feeling so alone and unwanted and unloved and unappreciated these days.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly, HB. It won't always be this way. Take heart, sweetie!

((((((huge hugs)))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Giselle2008
Member
Member # 18389
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I am about 2 months out from D day and my WH has moved about 90 minutes away from me and OP - to figure himself out.

He has been at distant for about 5 weeks and his tune has changed to "work on our marriage", but he still talks to OP on the phone. I have reminded him we cannot work on everything until he has NC. I am giving him until the end of the month to cut all ties or I will be filing.

He tells me he has 2 weeks and will be cutting off their friendship, I personally think it is him liking the control, as I guess I was controlling in our marriage. I also gave him a deadline when we got engaged and he waited until the very last minute.

Does this sound like FR, or not since contact has not been totally cutoff and he has been honest about that?


Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2008
drowninginsorrow
Member
Member # 4545
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, March 20th (Thursday)

it sounds like cake eating...

i'm sorry giselle... that is a really difficult situation for you....((((hugs))))


Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.- Matt Groening
"I've found the secret to life. I'm ok when everything is not ok"- Tori Amos lyrics

Posts: 56712 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: canuckistan
Finding Myself
Member
Member # 18468
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)

I've been in FR for four months.

All that time he saw me crying EVERY SINGLE DAY and yet he kept on cheating.

All the things I told him hurt me most HE WENT AND DID AGAIN.
And not just fucking her...
For example: I was in Europe when the A began. I brought him back a jacket. After D-day 1 I was so angry he had worn it to her house and left it there.

So what does he do during FR? GIVES IT TO HER TO 'CEMENT A BOND BETWEEN THEM' as he says.
WTF???????

Was FR just to punish me? It sure feels like it.

Trouble is we had so many conversations about why he had A, etc. Turns out all those conversations were built on lies. Nothing was as he had told me.

I think he wants true R now. I actually do. But true R triggers me because of false R. And I have never gotten any answers I haven't dug up for myself. I can't be bothered looking for answers any more because I felt we had made so much progress and all of it was based on lies.

I used to really want him. Now I don't know if he's worth the effort.

I was scared I would never get over the anger of the A. Now, finding it was twice as long, twice as bad, started by him, started before I went away...
I just don't know if I can ever get over it. I don't want to go on.

Sometimes I want to kill him. Sometimes I want to kill myself.

I'm a wreck and I have no support because everyone just thinks 'what did you expect, you stayed with a cheater'.
I feel like there's no point showing him my pain and anger - he saw it daily for four months and it didn't motivate him to take steps to ease it.
I wish I was in true R. But I really think the only way to make him understand how devastating the A and FR has been is to leave him.

I think I want to believe it is true this time... I want to believe that one day I will get over the anger... I want to believe that this won't keep on affecting me forever...

Most of all I want a relationship that is not tainted with infidelity. And now I can never have that with him. Even though I feel like he is the man I belong with.

[This message edited by Finding Myself at 8:39 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)]


"When the heart weeps for what it has lost, the spirit laughs for what it has found".

Posts: 170 | Registered: Mar 2008
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

I feel like there's no point showing him my pain and anger - he saw it daily for four months and it didn't motivate him to take steps to ease it.

Exactly. I've been wondering why that is.
Is it the selfishness?
The ego boost?
Just what?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Sicofitall
Member
Member # 18508
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

My WH & I separated after the 1st DD and only 3 weeks of MC. At the time he told me that all of my "inspection" was driving him crazy (like all of his lying didn't have something to do with that) and that he just wanted to be alone. BIG RED FLAG but I missed it.

We sold our home, I moved back to our home state to be closer to family and bought a house. After a little more than a month he started actively persuing me. Flowers, cards, gifts of leingerie...the whole nine yards. We started trying to R, or so I thought. After a wonderful Christmas together as a family and a trip we took together with our YS in January I decided to keep an eye Dr's appointment I had (post laser surgery which left me worse off than I was before) and surprise WH with my visit.
Let's just say he wasn't the only one that was "surprised".

The 1st DDay was really, really bad, but I still had reason to hope. The 2nd DDay was devestating. I went from numb, to angry, to crying all the time. I told him I would be the bad guy and get the lawyer since he obviously didn't have the balls to do it himself. He begged me to give him a chance. Said if he got divorce papers he wouldn't sign them.
I still don't really get it. He had me out of his life and he is the one that pulled me back in. Yet he tells me he was in love with the OW, and I get the love you but not in love with you crappola.
It's like hurting me once wasn't good enough. He had to continue to hurt me over and over and over again.
If the OW hadn't dumped him after he didn't go back to her on the 2nd DD night, I truly believe he would still be with her, yet trying to keep me in his life.
My IC says she's never seen anything like him before. She is totally stumped. He bought me a house. He bought me an expensive necklace for Valentines Day. He bends over backwards to try to make me happy, but says he's not in love with me. He calls me every day, ususally more than once, even when he was living with the OW, but says he doesn't want to be in any committed realtionship. HELLO! You don't want one CR but two is just fine???
He cries about what has happened to our family, but when given the opportunity not just once but twice to make things right he chose to fence sit.
I've signed all of my paperwork and left it with him to give to our mediator.
He's done nothing with it.
Even after I contacted her and told her to light a fire under his ass.

Now he's talking again about R. I've set down ground rules which he says he's fine with. In the meantime I have no way of knowing anything about what he's doing.

Trust but verify? How when you live 800 miles away?

When do you say enough is enough?


BW (me)52
WH 53
Maried 31yrs
Together 36yrs
DS's 24 & 29

DD 6/28/07
SD 8/29/07
2nd DD 1/13/08
DD #3 9/21/08


Posts: 497 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Smack dab in the middle
chandra
Member
Member # 5595
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

My WH and I have tried to R about five times now. after each time i tried to forgive and move on but now i just cant take the heartach and pain anymore we talked and he said that part of him wants to be with me during our conversation we decided to get a divorce then just five minutes later he was saying that he wants to work it out and maybe just be seperated for a while i dont know what to do im so scared. but after so many failed attempts at R i feel why should this time be any different why should i have to try again, why would i want to hurt myself again.

Posts: 140 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: Portland Oregon
faith5
Member
Member # 17784
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

my False R sent me over the edge and it gave me the PTSD lovely diagnosis i am now having to deal with.

it was the worse thing and the nightmares are still coming.

i doubt everything now...in life.

i pray for peace b/c this False R business is murder.


Posts: 1656 | Registered: Jan 2008
hexed07
Member
Member # 16584
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Hi all and hugs to all of you who are in the unfortunate position of being on this thread.

I went through FR about 6 months after the original Dday. He sent me a letter that convinced me to give him a second chance. It only lasted 2 months, and Im pretty sure that he had slept with OW again within a couple of weeks.

I agree that in many ways FR is even harder to accept than the A. For me, the hardest thing is that I saw the signs but I was not strong enough to face them. Now I know that that is understandable, but still it haunts me that I allowed him to treat me that way.

On the plus side, although I still miss the "old" him terribly, FR is what proves to me that the old him is gone and I have to let go and move on.

I wish you all the best in your own struggles.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Oct 2007
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

sicofitall, That's what I don't understand.
If I really was important to him, he wouldn't have done me that way.
It makes me wonder if it was just all a powerplay, egotrip, or the mother of all headgames.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

I said that I wouldn't post here anymore...but I found an old e-mail. In it, WH promised me the sun, moon, & stars if I would not D him. He was so "sincerely" willing to do anything if we R and I believed him so I consented.

Well, I'm haunted by this, too.

That I could be such a FOOL.

Why??? I'm supposed to be an intelligent and discerning woman!

HB~ probably a combination of all plus others as well coming into play.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

dreamy, Thanks.
I don't know why he did this.
I got empty meaningless words too.
It's like he thought that's all it would take to get the sitch back the way it was before.
You can't unring the bell, kwim?
It also feels like my love, trust, and belief in him meant nothing to him.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Helpless  Posted: 6:32 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

It's like "Oh, I'll throw the old dog I married(he called me that in front of our kids) a bone and maybe that'll make her happy and shut her up and get her off my back so I can continue to do what I want."


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

I KWYM, HB.

I also know that my WH won't get another chance to pull FR on me again. (I'm certain of this now.)

How many on this thread feel that their WS actually might have *enjoyed* doing numerous FR with them?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Random thought today...

if Fucktard had put as much energy into true R with me as he is putting into doing dirty crappy petty deeds to me now, we probably could've been successful at R.

Guess that shows his priorities, huh?
Himself.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
hopefulnz
Member
Member # 16942
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

I went through 11 months of FR. Actually to be honest in those 11 months I never felt we were in R at all.

He never showed any of the signs that he truly wanted to R. No full disclosure, remorse,or transparency and forget trying to make it up to me.

The second D Day was worse than the first. The last D Day (a month ago) was almost an anti climax. In the end I noticed a trend that alerted me to the fact that he'd had contact with her. Our sex life would fizzle out.

I would post on SI saying how he was still in the fog but having NC and I would get replies that said he was probably still involved with her. I didn't want to believe it. A couple of times I got upset with the replies & stayed away from SI for a while.

Now when I read some posts I can see exactly what the experienced SI'ers could see in mine. It is so obvious when the foggy WS is still involved with the AP.

I wish I could say it took me threatening to walk out of our marriage for my WH to wake up but I honestly don't know.
He finally ended his A 1 year & 1 day after she started it by coming on to him at a party. He is still unable to tell me why he took her up on her offer. I think his ego had a huge part to play & I suspect that he was suffering from depression just prior to this.

Today it is exactly 1 month since he ended it. As far as I know she has tried to contact him once by text. He showed me & deleted it without replying. But seeing as it is the one month anniversay I am going to ask him tonight if he has had contact. From what I know in the last year each time he supposedly ended it the longest they lasted without contact was a month.

I feel like there's no point showing him my pain and anger - he saw it daily for four months and it didn't motivate him to take steps to ease it.

My WH told me that when he saw me upset or angry he didn't care. In fact he told me that it just pushed him further away from me.

I believe he shut himself off emotionally from me because he couldn't handle the guilt. (He also told me that he didn't feel bad or guilty for treating me as he did.) He later admitted that he had been trying to force me to make the decision to leave & hated me because I wouldn't.

He has since apologised & is now doing everything right. I just pray that this isn't another FR because if it is our marriage is definately over. A problem with our house has now been fixed & we are about to sell so there will be nothing holding me back.


Me - BS (43)
Him - FWH (52)
Married 17 years - together 20 years
D Day #1 - March 07
D Day #2 - April 07
A year of false R
Final D Day - March 08
2 Children 15,13
Reconciling

Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New Zealand
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

I believe he shut himself off emotionally from me because he couldn't handle the guilt. (He also told me that he didn't feel bad or guilty for treating me as he did.) He later admitted that he had been trying to force me to make the decision to leave & hated me because I wouldn't.

This rings with me on so many levels.
I think he didn't feel bad or guilty because he was more concerned about himself.
And trying to make you end it and hating you for it shows how weak, and pathetic and selfish he was.


He never showed any of the signs that he truly wanted to R. No full disclosure, remorse,or transparency and forget trying to make it up to me.

Pretty much the same scenario here.
I realize now too late, that should've been a red flag.

How about now?
Is he still like that?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
hopefulnz
Member
Member # 16942
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

Hi HB
He has now apologised to me and our children. (Unfortunately they know just about everything - they were in the room with me when OWH called me).

He has also been open with close friends of ours and admitted to them what he had done & how we are now R.
This was a huge admission. The whole time we were in false R he did not want ANY one to know that he'd had an A.

He showed me a text that OW sent & deleted it without replying.

He is open & affectionate with me. We talk.
He read "Not Just Friends". Initially he said no but I arrived home from work to find that he had finished the book. He then proceeded to sit down & tell me everything that he could remember about the A. (He had taken note that he had to tell me everything).

When I trigger or bring up the A he is understanding. Sometimes not happy but he lets me say what I need to say & doesn't get angry or upset (And doesn't walk away from me which is what he used to do to avoid it).

He also does not blame me for everything. He has taken responsibilty for his behaviour in our marriage prior to the A. (We were a classic over/under functioning couple) I'm learning to pull back & he is stepping up.

We still have a long way to go.

I feel he is still protecting the OW. He doesn't like it if I call her names,(I have a few good ones)and that worries me.

She has left her H & is taking 2 months to decide whether to return to England so I am sure she will contact my H & tell him her decision. This worries me too.

Looking back I can see that I had convinced myself that he was in the "fog" because he thought he was still in love with her. In reality he was in the "fog" because he was still with her. Period.

The difference between now & false R is now I can now see my H again. The cold unfeeling person with the dead eyes has disappeared.


Me - BS (43)
Him - FWH (52)
Married 17 years - together 20 years
D Day #1 - March 07
D Day #2 - April 07
A year of false R
Final D Day - March 08
2 Children 15,13
Reconciling

Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New Zealand
Trying2BeStill
Member
Member # 13770
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

Looking back I can see that I had convinced myself that he was in the "fog" because he thought he was still in love with her. In reality he was in the "fog" because he was still with her. Period.

Man do I pray I can get to this place one day.

I hope this thread can be a support system because I don't know which end is up right now.

When I found out about the A in Jan 07 I thought I handled it with class and grace. I read everything I could get my hands on. I went to therapy to try work on myserlf, etc, etc. I did all the right things to try and save our M. I started trying to look nicer and wear makeup more often. Not trying to necessarily attract WH but more to show I was trying to make an effort. I was able to see the logic in the addiction of an A, etc. It was a long year but I was working hard to be patient and always believed we could build a stronger M.

A year goes by and we are not making much progress. I was getting more and more unsettled. H always said he wasn't ready for MC and continued to work with his IC for ~8 mo. I tried to stay positive and thought if he was working on himself it would benefit all of us as a family. I felt we had such a strong friendship and a genuine caring for one another and we were able to laugh and have fun and I just couldn't see throwing that away and devestating our 3 kids. I also couldn't understand why things weren't getting any better. Everything I read said that after the mourning process and the fog - the WH usually can see the devestation and R can begin

Fastforward to Jan 08 I find out there is renewed contact. Then in March 08 find out that the A has NEVER ended for more than maybe 3 or 4 days at a time.

OK.. so you can look at my profile to see the story of my meeting with OW, her H, etc.

Now I know the total and complete truth. It is freeing and it is CRUSHING all that the same time.

So I sit here... My WH seems to be in a different place I guess. I understand why he never said he was sorry with any real effort, never asked for my forgiveness and never asked to move back in. He couldn't - he wasn't done with the A. I should be thankful for that I guess in some sick way. If I had forgiven him and he moved back in with promises I'm not sure what I would do now.

I'm in a different place too and I'm not sure what that place is.

I need to know how to deal with this now - today. Should I just stay in bed for 3 days and mourn the loss of another year of my life and the realization that this A was about 100 times worse than I imagined? As far as I can see from the emails I've read there is pretty much nothing - ZERO - left in my M that is sacred anymore and obviously wasn't that important to WH anyway. How do I process that?

My faith is strong and is probably the only reason I am still here even thinking about R. Initially the kids were a big part but they are not enough to hold this together.

There is no book to read now. There is nothing to help you understand this hurt - this level of betrayal.

I guess sometimes I'm an optimistic fool and think if H continues to work on his issues, I continue to work on mine and we continue MC there is a chance that we can have what some have here (New Attitude).

Other times I realize my M is completely blown to bits and if I'm going to start over anyway - is it wise to choose my H again?

How did you cope? How can you see a day when you can be happy again and ever feel loved again?


BS (Me)-41 / WH-40 / M 12 years / 3 kids under 10.
2 year A (one year of it was false R).
Last Dday - 3/25/08
Wanted R... probably heading to D

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: never quite sure
Trying2BeStill
Member
Member # 13770
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

...and now I'm crying so hard I can't see the computer screen.


BS (Me)-41 / WH-40 / M 12 years / 3 kids under 10.
2 year A (one year of it was false R).
Last Dday - 3/25/08
Wanted R... probably heading to D

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: never quite sure
hopefulnz
Member
Member # 16942
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)

(((trying2bestill)))

I had one slim hope that I clung to the entire time. My FWH did not have sex with her. That is one fact that even the OWH believes is true. The first D Day my FWH told me they hadn't had sex. When I asked why not he told me that he knew if he crossed that final boundary there was no going back.

OWH told me that it was due to my H that they hadn't slept together. OW told him she wanted to but my H wouldn't. I know they were physical in other ways though.

The whole time my H was telling me that he didn't love me, had no feelings for me at all I held on to the fact that he still hadn't been able to sleep with her. And it wasn't because of lack of opportunity - they were meeting during the day. I work 7.00am - 3.30pm & he works 2.30pm to 11.00pm.

I also have 2 friends who have been through the same thing and they both kept telling me to hang in there. As they said it's not over til it's over.

I have to be honest & say I don't know what prompted the final bust up of the A. If it was me finally telling my H to move into the spare room until the house is sold because I was leaving as soon as it was or if it was because rumours had finally started to circulate at his work. The OW is the wife of one of his managers - it took a whole year for them to get caught out. Only her H & I knew what was going on & her H didn't want anyone at work knowing.

Looking back I don't know how I hung on for as long as I did. I know for a long time I would lie in bed & pray that I wouldn't wake up. I fantasized (like a lot of us) about killing myself - anything to stop the pain but I realised that I was never alone by myself long enough to do anything and I couldn't have let my kids find me.

I read every book I could get my hands on trying to make sense of the mess my life had become. I know I have cried more in the last year than I have for the rest of my entire life.

My H wanted to move out - to sort his head out or so he said. However we were in the financial situation where we couldn't afford to pay our mortgage & rent somewhere for one of us to live. We couldn't sell our house immediately as there was a structural problem that we needed to fix before we could put it on the market.

I think this worked both for & against us. It prevented us making a rash decision but it also dragged it out.

My H was also giving me mixed messages. While he was saying one thing to me his actions were saying something else. He was telling me that he had no feelings for me but in bed he was being very loving & giving - more than he had been for years. (Then he would have contact with her again & the sex would dry up - Guilt I guess.)

I don't know what advice to give you. I am certainly not going to tell you to give up. That is a decision that only you can make.

When friends commented on why I had hung on for so long I was able to look them in the eye & tell them that if my marriage did break up at least I would know that I had done everything possible to save it.

My H was like yours - he kept waiting for a magical sign that he should stay in our marriage. He was said he didn't want to waste another year waiting for feelings to come back. It wasn't until he finally went completely NC with OW that he understood what I had been trying to tell him. There was no chance of his feelings returning while she was still in his life because he wouldn't let himself feel anything for me.

I still worry though that OW was the "love of his life" but then I think that if that the true A: he would have slept with her & B:Nothing would have kept them apart - specially as she has now left her H.

One thing that I had finally started to do in the last week before he ended the A. I had started to 180. I told him that I needed to move forward with my life I had waited around for him long enough. I made him move into the spare room & then I arranged to go out every evening. (He was on vacation that week). It was after only 1 evening of me being strong & looking out for me that he decided to end the A.

It is still very early days in our R. I have bad moments but I am trying to deal with those. My H is patient when I trigger. However at the moment I feel as though I am second best and I think that is going to take a long time for me to get over.

I started a journal when I was in the very darkest days & that has helped me a lot.

In the end though T2BS you have to do what's best for you & your children. If you see even the tiniest glimmer of hope I say hang in there but not at the expense of your sanity.

take care.



Me - BS (43)
Him - FWH (52)
Married 17 years - together 20 years
D Day #1 - March 07
D Day #2 - April 07
A year of false R
Final D Day - March 08
2 Children 15,13
Reconciling

Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New Zealand
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

Why is it that 'we" give so MANY chances, over and over, ad nauseum?

Why??

What does that say about us...?

Because for a lot of people, A) Finding out about the cheating would be IT...B) One FR would be the absolute END.

Were/are we just "in denial"?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

It says I'm a damn strong person with a great sense of what I can and cannot handle.

Or am willing to handle and put up with.

I gave ONE extra chance and that was it.
It was all I was willing to do because that was what worked for me.

Luckily it was all that was needed and after a lot of hard work we had a real and true reconciliation.

I will never regret it.


Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, April 4th (Friday)


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
StillStanding
Member
Member # 18143
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I don't have a clue what my WS and I are doing. We are just carrying on with life but our marriage stinks. She doesn't even know what R is. Right now it's all about pitiful life. Where do I turn? She says she needs me. Where's the love and R.

Posts: 277 | Registered: Feb 2008
BrokenBadger
Member
Member # 9278
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

StillStanding,
i'm in the same boat. Kinda just going through the motions and are just glorified roommates. My W is stressed from work and complains of some minor physical ailments, but how can you go from very touchy-feely, very loving to kinda angry have sex a couple times a year maybe? I think she has just checked out and is maybe waiting for me to get tired of it. That way i'll be to blame for leaving. For all I know she may have plans with someone else already and is just waiting me out. This sounds like a blast, doesn't it? I think I'll start doing more forceful inquiries and get to the bottom of this. Not getting any younger and my life is worth more than this.

Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Hell
lifesabeach
Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, May 16th (Friday)

We went through about 6 months of FR's. WH now seems to be doing everything to make it work. I have not committed to another R. We are just building a relationship. I haven't said I will stay. I have the D paperwork ready to be signed. I am just waiting and watching. My IC asked me what I have learned from all this? I know it isn't the answer he was looking for. But what I learned was my H has become an accomplished liar and he can now lie to me. He never could before. Has anyone successfully R'D after FR. Any tips ? How do you know they are being honest?


R'd

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
EvianMI2005
New Member
Member # 19706
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 30th (Friday)

Five wasted years of my life with FR. Discovered first A when WS OW called me at my office to disclose everything. I was ill and confronted him but everything, of course, was denied. He even had the nerve to turn it all around on me....somehow I must be up to something-which couldn't have been further from the truth. I broke it off (we were engaged), went through a major depression and tried to move on with my life. He wouldn't let me go.

Six months later he somehow convinced me to R. He claimed I was the only woman he would ever love. He still didn't admit the A but did admit to lying to me over and over again about seeing this woman and stated it was only because she threatened to kill herself and also because he cared about her 14 year old child. We buy a house together in another area, I quit my job and move to be with him and then all of a sudden he decides he can't sleep in the new house. He has to be back in his hometown in the house he hadn't sold yet. I am the bad person for not coming with him and driving the 90 miles each way commute. We had a beautiful house on the water and he wanted to be back in his 1-bed, 1-bath ugly house in the middle of nowhere. I had my suspicions when he put our new house on the market and I came home to find the 'For Sale' sign. He claimed nothing was going on but I randomly remembered his cell phone password and heard two phone messages from yet ANOTHER OW about their A. I left him again-angry, hurt and back into my depression....even worse was that now I was in a completely different state and really didn't know anyone. Somehow I managed, moved on BUT a year later a mutual acquaintence somehow reconnected us again. I was skeptical but once again he managed to convince me I was the love of his life.

He pushed me hard to sell my house and move back with him. He claimed to be different. He claimed to know that the reason everything didn't work was all because of him....blah, blah, blah. I fell for it.

Six months later...The last A I discovered while on a business trip with him in Vegas. Things just weren't adding up and he all of a sudden backed out of our 8th wedding date right about the time I moved my last box into his house. We were going to get married in Vegas but he rethought it and wanted to do it in the Summer at the house. The week before the trip he was distant and things were on and off odd. I also noticed his main office line programmed phone number creeping up a lot in off work hours and he kept sneaking off for 'business calls'. Also odd since we were in the same business so it's not like I wouldn't understand. Come to find out the office line was really this woman's number programmed in his phone to look like a work call. I didn't see that coming. The extra special bonus came when I figured out his laptop password and discovered a 4th OW. He was cheating on me with 2 others and one of them I actually knew as a casual friend because she had dated one of his good friends.

I left Vegas that very night hysterical. People in the airport must have thought I was nuts because I just had constant tears streaming down my face. I really loved him for some dumb reason.

I drew the line at 3 FR. He married my former casual friend three weeks after I eventually got married. At least she got what she deserved for lying to me!!! LOL! Several months before my wedding he sent me a text message and I hadn't seen or heard from him since the day I left. I know if I allowed him to be back in my life he'd try for another R even now. That's the best part because I know he will cheat on her and I am so thankful it isn't me!

[This message edited by EvianMI2005 at 9:50 AM, May 30th (Friday)]


Posts: 1 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Michigan
Dog Tired
Member
Member # 15412
Sad  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 16th (Monday)

Not really sure what to write so I guess I will just ramble is no one minds.

D-Day was 2-13-07, R-Day was 2-21-07, worked so hard, spent my days on SI, and nights talking with WH. It was such a ride, one that I was glad to get off of.

In March, 08 I had enough. It was time to move on, so we did.

Things were GREAT, he was so loving, always home. I had my moments where I was suspicious (rightly so) but he always held me, and explained "It is over, it has been over since 2-07. I no longer have a girlfriend. I love you and only you".

Then on 5-25-08, late in the evening I found him in his garage on a secret cell phone.

My world feel apart again for a brief moment. It's just different this time around.

It's been 3 weeks since D-Day #2. I don't really know how I feel.

This time is so different. But I can't figure out why or how, I just know I feel different.

He doesn't want to talk about the A. He doesn't want to listen to the experts advice. He says they don't know me. He doesn't want to hear what I read on SI to help us.

He says he was trying to end it for months but just could not. He says let it go. In other words sweep it under the rug. I know this is not healthy. He wants to go on as if this never happened because "she meant nothing to me".

Now what do I want, I really don't know. I want him to love me, I want him to show me he wants to be with me. I want someone to take all of this away. I want to just go away, far far away. I want to know that it is really over and we can truly R this time. I want the guarantee that I cannot have.

Snooped at the cell phone bill, that was a waste everyone knows they go deeper when caught espicially for the 2nd time.

I want to continue to look forward to our 20 year anniversary this October. We have a HUGE trip planned.

I want to make love to my H without bawling like a baby afterwards.

I want so many things that I cannot have.

For those who went thru FR and won, thank you. Knowing that FR does not mean the end of all things helps.

Thanks for listening.


BS - Me - 50 (Yeeekkkk)
FWS - H - 45
M - 13 years - Together 23
D-Day 2-13-07
R-Day 2-21-07
D-Day #2 5-25-08
R-Day #2 6-18-08

Posts: 538 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Connecticut
deacon33
Member
Member # 19760
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)

Hi all,

I've been posting in the JFO forum as I have JFO 13 days ago. WW has been on the fence. I think a lot of it had to do with her brothers wedding this upcoming weekend. Said I would go.

I've been trying to talk, get her to open up, made it clear that R was a real possiblity. She was never in it.

Sensed something wrong yesterday afternoon. WW back to being evasive and lying. Took a quick drive and found WW with OM at expensive restaurant. I confronted them, told WW to move out (she's moving into guest room in basement). No chance for R.

Gonna file next week


"Lost are only those, who abandon themselves" - Hans-Ulrich Rudel

O Praeclarum Custodem, Ovium Lupum (Cicero)

Happily Divorced


Posts: 433 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New Jersey
Stillconfused
New Member
Member # 10497
Sad  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 23rd (Monday)

How many false Rs can one handle?

This was initially and EA/PA. During the years time they were NC OW moved across the country, so it resumed as an EA. Through all of the false Rs H has begged me not to divorce him. I guess he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.

This last d-day was different because he confessed. All other d-days and revelations have been because I have caught him and confronted him. can this time possibly be different?

What a fool I feel like for even thinking it could be different. I am so hurt, numbe and angry at this point.

He has been out of the house since d-day 3. He continually tells me he wants our marriage to work. But instead of true R, he keeps OW in the wings incase I do finally D him. How selfish can you get!

[This message edited by Stillconfused at 8:14 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]


Me BW
Him WH
M 14 yrs
3 great kids S-13 D-11 S-8
d-day 1 10/05
d-day 2 11/05
NC 11/05-11/06
D-day 3 3/7/08
D-day 4 6/20/08
OW might be more pathetic than me, she's been waiting this whole time!

Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
halfbaked
Member
Member # 17636
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, June 29th (Sunday)

I had been R with an addict untill last Sun. I thought things where getting better in our marriage he had slipped up & I busted him high a few times but he always promised. Well he had bought me some jewelry earlier that week & I found the reciept he lied about how much it cost by $125. When I confronted him he denied at first but finally told me he spent it on drugs & told me he wanted a D. The next day I had 5 or 6 people call me to let me know he had been cheating on me with a girl that waits tables at the bar & grill he worked at. Now since Feb he has lost 3 jobs, his truck, his home, wife & kids all for a pill. I am so heart broken & I know I have got to D him. I just dont know if I will be strong enough.


Me-31
Him-28
Daughter-5 ours
Son-11 mine
Married 6 1/2 yrs
Together 9


We deserve better me & my kids will never come second to a pill, a whore, or a drug dealer ever agian.


Posts: 218 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ky
dust to dust
Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)

I guess I am just having a hard time today. It makes it worse when we have to go visit the oc. Its making me nervous that on Thursday I have to drop my h back off at his parent's house and won't be able to see him for ten days, during which ow supposedly is having a sonogram of oc#2 to tell the sex. She says she doesn't want him there. But its triggering me because we will be separated and with oc#1 he snuck off to two appointments with her and I don't want him doing that this time. He knows the consequences this time around.
I just wonder, after false R for two years, how do you know if you are in true R this time around? This thread proves that you and your WS can get through false Rs to move onto real R. But I just wonder if I am in real R. He is more open and honest and so far I haven't seen signs of them getting back together. But I just worry that because I don't see the signs doesn't mean they aren't at it again. It MAY just mean they are better adept at hiding than before. But I haven't had an gut flinching episodes like I did in the past. I am just worried that this R is going to be another false R and sadly the only person who can tell me if this is true or not is my WS. But yet you can see why I am having a hard believing his promises and words this time around. Because he promised me the same things post dday 1 while he was still with her! I guess I just need words of encouragement.

[This message edited by dust to dust at 2:50 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)]


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, August 25th (Monday)

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure...My first dday was 12/26/07...and I thought that for 7 months we were in r....I was always scared because he didn't disclose anything...just whatever I found and it was just so far from the man I thought I knew so well. How do they do that or is it that we aren't seeing things clearly...and how long would this have gone on if I hadn't found out again...Sometimes I wish that I didn't know and he wasn't gone..It would have been easier had he died and I didn't know....I miss him so badly...I keep reading this is a process but, I don't know if I am up to the journey.


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

RL, how's it going today?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, August 29th (Friday)

Trying to stay calm today...I am still so confused and I guess I have to just realize I will never understand this disaster. I am happy for the time I had and was so happy...I am ready for my new life to start...I just don't know what he is going to be in my new life...we have a small child and I have 2 adult daughters who have lost so much too...Thank you so much for asking about me today..I feel so alone sometimes...How are you today?


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
NewShell716
Member
Member # 20858
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, September 25th (Thursday)

Did anyone here have a false R with a fiance/fiancee rather than a spouse? I understand about needing to try numerous times when you're married - especially if there ae children involved. But how about if you're not married yet?

I feel like a light switch has been flipped & I don't feel ANYTHING except wanting him to get the last of his crap out of my house so I can move on.

Friends are saying that he'll try to come back in a few weeks when he thinks I've "calmed" down - or when he remembers why he broke up with her (OW was a former fiance before me)in the first place.

I don't want him back - but I would like for him to WANT to come back so I could shoot him down like he's done to me.

Guess maybe I'm back in the anger stage, huh?


Me BF 47
Him WF 46
ONS 7/4/08 (or so I thought)
DD 7/5/08
False R confirmed 9/14/08
I'm done......
Tried R again 11/11/08
Lots of hard work/counseling - Married 1/28/09
Marriage is wonderful - still some triggers & bumps, but FWS is worki

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: VA
ScribblingMum
Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, September 29th (Monday)

Well, unfortunately, I am in this camp now, too.

Caught my WH back into massage parlors on 9-9-08...fecking nightmare...worse this time cuz he allowed my girls to THINK he was coming home now...that all was well...was lying & snowing everyone...I kicked his arse out AGAIN...
INSANE...going to Sa meetings sometimes...& massage after!

Tons & tons of new stories & lies...I'm pretty sure he is NPD ..he's 1 foot in in SA recovery shet...

I can't do this anymore...
I have an appoint. w/ counselor Wed. to set more boundaries...w/ kids, etc...

still have std test. in friday again...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
ScribblingMum
Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, September 29th (Monday)

He is STILL texting me I miss you...I'm refusing to communicate 2 him unless it's about business/kids...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
NewShell716
Member
Member # 20858
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, September 29th (Monday)

Be strong, ScribblingMum. You deserve better!!


Me BF 47
Him WF 46
ONS 7/4/08 (or so I thought)
DD 7/5/08
False R confirmed 9/14/08
I'm done......
Tried R again 11/11/08
Lots of hard work/counseling - Married 1/28/09
Marriage is wonderful - still some triggers & bumps, but FWS is worki

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: VA
Ingrid
Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, September 30th (Tuesday)

Oh scribbling mum...I'm so sorry! I know you were headed for a Sept date of R. Had he moved home yet? or did you find out about this prior to him moving home? How did you discover this about the massage parlour? do they have sex there? It really sucks big time in any event.

My H moved home end of July to R--supposedly. Then there have been 3 instances of him slipping up, and of course like an idiot, I still let him stay. I know it was a false R--he moved home just for the comfort of it all and for the kids' sake. The last time my H fell was on 8/19--after things were going so great!!!! I was so shattered. AND, it was on the way home from an SA meeting that he visited the strip club!!!! Imagine!!!! I know for me, I cannot handle another time. We all reach our limit I think. But we have to feel in our hearts and know what those limits are for us. I feel I've reached mine for sure.
IF there's one more time of retreating to strip clubs for my H, I will not want to continue in the marriage. He knows this.

Good Luck scribbling mom. That's great you're seeing your counselor. Deep breathe, and know you're special with our without your husband. He's a scum bag--sorry....

[This message edited by Ingrid at 11:17 AM, September 30th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
SadMommie
Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, October 9th (Thursday)

This is my first time on this thread. I wish I found you guys earlier.

I feel that I have been living FR for 19 months now. I moved out about a year ago. We have tried to reconcile but he keeps her on the line. He is fearful that I am going to kick back to his house.

I think that I have finally convinced him that he cannot speak to her - regardless of the reason - OC or no OC. He is now pressuring me to buy a house close to the farm that we still own together but that is also close to her and her work. I am not comfortable with this - why is he pressuring me to do something that will make me miserable???? I feel that he is losing control (and he is a control freak) and is trying to control our living situation even though I have made it clear that I am not moving back to the place that caused so much pain to me.

I just don't know what to do!!!!!


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
StuckMom
New Member
Member # 17385
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, October 9th (Thursday)

False Resi.... That is me..
If I had the money I would be gone. If I did not have kids I would be gone. I don't make enough to support my self let alone all the kids. False Resi is a dark place but for now it is where I must reside. I won't move in with my parents. Thier health is not good and they can't afford the strain. I do not make enough to support myself let alone all the kids. I fear having to "share" the kids. To not be there every night with my kids. It just kills me and I know my WH knows it and depends on it. Right now his greatest fear is me finding someone else... a way out. The thought of throwing my morals out the window like he does is deeply depressing.

Right now the question is not weather he will change or not (he has proven he will not) it is how long can I go on like this. 5 years and counting.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2007
ScribblingMum
Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 10th (Friday)

Stuck:

HUGS...:( I can so relate to your $$$$ situation. Just keep doing the next right thing/step. Get stronger for YOU. do you go to S-anon/etc. for support? THAT really helps...

xoxoxoxoox


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
lilliolly
Member
Member # 19647
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, October 20th (Monday)

Please help, not sure if this would come under a false reconcilation or not. basiclly husband left me and kids 5 and 2 to be with this OW after 8 weeks of getting on with my life he came back and we gave things another go, things were going really well H went no contact with the OW only spoke about work, we went relate for marriage counselling, all of a sudden OW text him out of the blue, he has gone back with her again, he has back with her again for 8 weeks. has anyone else gone through this then gone on to reconcile for real, i'm at my wits end!!!!

Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2008 | From: England
JW123
Member
Member # 21265
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, October 21st (Tuesday)

Sadly I belong here too. I suspected an A with my H about a year and a half ago. He said he would cut off all contact with OW. He lied. In this time I fell pregnant, had a beautiful baby son who is now 4 mths old. I found out on Monday 13th that he was unhappy and wanted to leave. On the 14th the truth came out, he has been shagging OW the whole time - throughtout my whole pregnancy and the birth. He even had her come and look at my baby. I am lost, so lost. He is not sure he wants R, said he TRIED. How could he have tried when he was with her the whole time. Where to from here?


Him (WS)41
Me (BS) 41
3 beautiful children
D -Day 13 October 2008
He moved out - 1st June 2009.
Divorced - 29/11/2011
He lives with OP now
Married 15 years. Known him 21 years
(Although I suspected, denial is quite a thing)

Posts: 483 | Registered: Oct 2008
sootired
Member
Member # 22952
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, March 2nd (Monday)

But he made me feel like I was a horrible person for not trusting him. That I was paronoid and completely unfair to him.

Looking back I now see red. And unfortunately for me, when I try to call him on things like this he doesn't remember what he said

same here, tries to make me feel bad about catching her, then gives me a million excuses, then forgets half of them!

Yes i belong here too. Constantly falling for the crocodile tears, the hugs, the i do love you so much, the everything. This time I am trying to be different, I feel I must go through with it no matter how badly it hurts. What else can i do? she puts on an act in front of me then is totally different behind my back.


Me 42 BH
Her 35 WW-15 month EA followed by ONS(so she says) with another
seem to be in full R (i hope)
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 realize it was False R all along
2011 cautiously in R

Have a lawyer if need be, hoping for a better tomorrow


Posts: 385 | Registered: Feb 2009
sofresh
Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, May 23rd (Saturday)

Sounds like a lot of manipulation going on here. I wish you the best. I am here too. 4 false Rs. I don't think they were even that. Manipulative F-ing WH says he left each time b/c I argued with him and he couldn't take my pain when he felt so bad already. He's always talking about HIS hurts. Says he can't deal with mine.

LIAR LIAR LIAR..why do I believe.

R is a gift WE give, if they don't want it...that says a lot.
Like a wise woman here once said " When someone shows you who they really are believe them."

[This message edited by sofresh at 2:53 PM, May 23rd (Saturday)]


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
Star727
Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday)

First D-Day was July 2008.
I was shocked, extremely hurt, depressed, cried all the time.

Second D-Day was January 2009.
Now I'm totally pissed off and want a divorce.

Fog lifted some after that. He straightened himself out doing things to show me his love and to show me he wants to stay in the marriage.

There will not be a D-Day #3.
Since the first one, I've been saving money, paying off bills and improving my health. I am ready to go it alone.

My WH is clumsy and if he is doing something, I'll find out and won't have to look hard.


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
sofresh
Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, June 4th (Thursday)

Constantly falling for the crocodile tears, the hugs,

Yes, that's what they are. My Wh is most likely NPD. I realize on ly NOW looking back that everytime he came back, crying, saying it would be different (And he did got NC hard enough that OW panicked) but he always goes back to her.
The tears are all about HIM he was never sad about what he had done to ME.
Always how HE had runined HIS life. How HE felt bad about how HE'd hurt 2 women.

I'm sorry,I don't feel bad for you.

As far as our questions about whether or not they ever come back for real....I am scared. I am Ding now (FPOR REAL THIS TIME) and I'm afraiud he will try to postpone it AGAIN. I know I have been weak to his ploys and I don't want him anymore. How could I ever trust a man that recently after the lkast failed R he brought OW to OUR house and F'd her...CAUGHT ON VAR!!!!


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
sofresh
Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, June 8th (Monday)

This doesn't REALLY apply here, but I wanted some of you to see how a person can make it seem like they wantto R...but when it's all about them...it NEVER works.

I wish the best for you ALL.

A letter my STBX NPD sociopath wrote to me and copied to my attorney in response to me asking for my belongings.

Sofresh,

I would like to first thank you for sending me that e-mail on 06/07/09. I
was a little taken back at first. One because you got Attorney involved,
and two you always stated that you were not a materialistic person. So
therefore I didn’t give a response till now. I woke up at 3am out of a
dead sleep saying to myself “what do I say”… (Too your e-mail) and saying to
myself “I got it”…

Where to start…. Well Attorney nice too meet you, and congrats on being a
Lawyer. I would like to share a little of my side of the story. Take it as
you please… Sofresh and I met and it was love at first sight. I met her parents
and it wasn’t so “love at first sight”. The 3rd visit I do believe her
mother stated “Sofresh what are you doing with this guy” “what are you doing”
what a great start that was. Anyway despite what they thought I was not
going to stop feeling for her because the way her mother was. So in short
from that day forward things were awkward for all parties. Attorney mind
you my childhood was far from great… My parents always put me down told me
that “I will never be what I wanna be”. So now I have her parents thinking
like my parents did and still do… Not a great feeling. So I stayed
headstrong and said to myself “I’ll show them”. So I’m thinking I can do
this, mind you this is not the first time parents have done this to me. But
the last time it did happen, I let her go. Once again I was not good enough
for their daughter. Sounds like a pity party doesn’t it… Well Attorney
just trying to give you some insight of what has happened to me in the past
to give you some idea on why things went south.
Then Sofresh and I got married
on 07/07/07 what a perfect day for a great occasion. Then Sofresh became
pregnant approximately 3 months after our wedding. Carried our son for
those long 10 months and then gave birth to DS on
06/12/08… What a day that was. I was so proud of her, and what she did.. Sofresh
is one tough woman and I really look up to her for that.
Anyway… During our
relationship and our marriage Sofresh would do the things that would make me
feel “not good enough” like her parents my parents and other parents did.
Like constantly saying to me “go to college” but I kind of knew that was
her mom in her ear… Or telling me to find another job. I was feeling like
wow what about me! I’m me WH hello… I just wanted to be loved for me.
Not money or for what I did for a career, or for not speaking right. Sofresh
hated that my English is not always proper. When I spoke slang our I didn’t
pronounce words correctly she always reminded me of that. Have you ever
been in a room and you’re talking and no one is listening, well that’s how
it was. I would talk and it would be like “ya right” blah blah blah… I felt
so distant and alone. It didn’t help Sofresh never really stood up for me
either with my mom or her own. Say hay look you need to stop he is my
husband.

Well I completely agree with what you’re thinking “Sofresh doesn’t deserve to
be cheated on”. I agree 100 %. What I did was wrong, very wrong. But I
can say I was honest and came forward. As far as me going back and forth 4
times, like we all haven’t been in a situation where no matter what you did
was wrong. I wanted so much for Sofresh but didn’t know how to give it after I
did what I did. I came back and forth for her and my son. Attorney I
don’t know if you have children but, I love my son very much. By me being
hurt and confused for my wife has nothing to do with me loving my child. Why
is it that when parents are in this situation the “HURT” or “VICTIM” will
put the kid in the middle like this situation. My son does not deserve to
be away from me because of my decisions. I have never and would never hurt
my child. I have ruined my marriage yes, but not my relationship with my
son. So Sofresh all I’m asking is keep our son out of this. He is the innocent
one in this. Remember people act out when they are hurting and don’t know
what to do or say. I have never and would never put DS in the middle
never. He deserves a Mom and a Dad. Just because we didn’t get along or
stay together doesn’t mean one should suffer more than the other. Sofresh also
threatens me with I’m being “manipulative”. How about that I’m confused,
hurt, scared, ect. I can’t be a Dad because I’m manipulative! So I take it
that she would be a good Mom for taping my conversations, and when she hears
something she doesn’t like she can walk in a bedroom punch me about the head
and face. Is that safe for my child to around. So when DS does something
wrong does that mean Sofresh has the right too hit DS in the face several
times. NO ONE deserves to be puched about the face for any reason other then
to defend thereselves. Anyway the whole matter of this is, Sofresh you can
have all of your belongings. I see how much energy and time you have put
into getting them back. Copied receipts, e-mailing everyone. But you have
our son, and you put him in the middle…. How fair is that. Your too consumed
by your anger to think about what you’re doing to Our innocent child!! Sofresh
while you’re at it Can you put a price tag on our son? DS is our son, He
is my first thought, and your worried about a lamp, a bike, and a buggy..
Anything else you would like! I don't want this to continue. I would like to
be adults and work this out for our sons sake. So please stop and think.
Once again for the record I am very sorry for what I have done to you. I
can't change it, but one thing I will do Is take care of myself and our
son. I hope you can get past this too..


BTW although I didn't always stick up for him, I didn't put him down...I didn't join in...I only encouraged him to go to school or get a better job because he seemes so unhappy in his job (no a career) and I thought it was contributing to his low self esteem.
Also, I didn;t criticize him for his poor english, I would simply correct him, to help him improve. Ie: he might say, 'He don't know.' and I would simply say, 'He doesn't know"
And my parents supported him...my whole family was very accepting of him, mom regretted what she said and we we actually got a along well. C'mon they paid for the wedding and sent us on our honeymoon!

Oh STBX doesn't mention his SA of course. That wasn't a culprit in the M...or the fact that his EA with OW started when DS was only 3 mos.

The worst part is..some part of me is hurt by this, like I should have been a better wife.


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
lifesabeach
Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 13th (Monday)

any suggestions? I can't get past the FR's. They are a major point for me. I have come to terms with the EA/PA. I don't really know what I need to get past the FR's. Has anyone had any success? What could I bring up in MC to really get a dialog going. I don't know how to phase this so that MC knows the importants. If not with MC. Has anyone been able to open up a dialog with FWS. We are Happy in R. In many ways M is better than ever. The trust and allowing myself to feel safe with FWH again not so easy.


R'd

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
catybugsmom
New Member
Member # 24472
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, July 14th (Tuesday)

He won't agree to nc. It doesn't matter what I say,he won't tell her not to contact him until thebaby i born. am I wrong? he makes me feel that I'm always wrong

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: va
uncertain future
New Member
Member # 24795
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)

Wow. After reading this thread I now realize that I had several false R's with my XH. I didn't truly understand what a false R before. Very eye opening.


Me(BS): 34
Him: 35
Expecting 1st child
PA: 1.5 yrs (coworker)
DDay: 4/9/09
Married 9 yrs, together 13 yrs

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: TX
Jasmine
Member
Member # 16946
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, July 16th (Thursday)

My story is on page 2, in January 2008 as I woefully began my last False Reconcilliation... just as I had predicted it would be... like all the other False R's.

In January I discovered xWH had shared emails with OW, emails from MIL bashing me. I found out via OW and that was the point of no return.

Thats whn all the flowers stopped and all the promises too. How he was going to take care of me and how sorry he was.

I think (after a month or two) thats when he re-established contact with OW, he wastes no time.

As most M suffer multiple d-days, it sort of breaks your spirit also. If you have had several d-days then you can begin to understand how HOPELESS it really is to reform a cheater.

Departure date: May 15 2009
xWH married OW: June 25 2009

If it doesnt feel right, trust yourself. Bad men dont get better. They dont mellow out with age. They are merely very complacent with the wife and girlfriend scenario. A cakeman.

If they cant have you, they always have OW. They keep them on the hook, hand feeding cake crumbs.

I treated him very well, but he re-wrote history saying how I was always digging on him and wanted to find somebody else. This is just so cruel and so wrong. He is just a man who couldnt keep his promises.

[This message edited by Jasmine at 12:56 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]


The trick you said, was never play the game too long...

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Nov 2007
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, July 16th (Thursday)

Wish I had realized there was a thread for false R. I might have figured out that I was in false R sooner than I did. Although, I expect I really did need to be hit over the head to believe it. The signs were there to see, and my gut knew long before my heart and head would acknowledge it.

It's been about a month since I figured out WS broke NC, had broken it months ago and was in daily contact with OW again. For most of what I thought was R, I was the only one in it. WS was off in his fantasy world with OW.

I told WS I'd give him a divorce. He said he didn't want one. But he doesn't appear to want to work on R either. So now we're in limbo and I'm surprised to find how comfortable I am there.

I doubt that feeling will last but for now, it works for me.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11988 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday)

I'm like In, I just discovered this site tonight.
Limbo, it even sounds better than the HELL, that we were in.

tc


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Jessy1501
Member
Member # 24483
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 23rd (Thursday)

Why didn't I know this forum existed!! Oh we're totally in false R. I don't want to give up though...and he doesn't know, that I know that this is false. He's broken NC...he's lied...I don't have access to his phone... but he thinks I'm buying it.

This is painful!


Attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete...ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: My own fantasy land
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, July 23rd (Thursday)

((jessy)) that's got to be so hard. I could handle not bringing it up when I suspected WS had broken NC, but once I found out for sure, I had to confront him.

Dirk, how have things been going? not much consolation I know, but at least your WS has joined here and has gotten some great advice. it's something.

I posted yesterday in S/D, and it depressed the hell out of me for the rest of the day.

I am trying to do the 180, but I suck at it.

WS says he is NC again but I don't know that I believe him. Even though I told him it needed to be done with me present, it wasn't. That would be the passive aggressive asshole in him coming out.

But he has been showing signs of being in withdrawal, just like he did after the original d-day. So who knows, maybe he is telling the truth. But I have no way of knowing.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11988 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, July 23rd (Thursday)

Hi, Jessy you have to get it out. No one should have to live like that.

In, thanks for asking, one of my main problems, is that I thought we were well on our way, when she dropped the bomb on me.

I told her this a.m., that sometimes when I look her, I don,t see the woman I married. Of course this upset her, but she will not come close to being as 'upset' as I was and am.

She said, that it makes her think that I don't love her at times. Well of course I respond, and you were 'in love' with me all the time.

You can guess the rest.

In, stay strong, and do what you know you have to do.

tc


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Jessy1501
Member
Member # 24483
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 24th (Friday)

So I confirmed my false R#2 yesterday...and got my new dd#2 also. For background, read my "something smells fish" and "update: something was fishy" posts... I'm numb right now.


Attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete...ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: My own fantasy land
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, July 25th (Saturday)

(((Jessy)))

That was a bad day. Hopefully they can only get better from here on. I wish I had some advice for you, but I'm in a bit of a mess myself.

You can only do what you think is best. That is the right thing to do.

thinking of you, tc


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
butifuldisaster
Member
Member # 24089
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, July 25th (Saturday)

i've had way to many false R. they tore me up worse than the actualy As did. i mean how bad do you want to hurt me???? and things just keep popping up. i mean it's driving me nuts. are we in another false R? idk. my guts not going crazy yet.... that's really what tore up all the trust. if he would've cheated and then been honest afterwards, maybe it'd be better. maybe then the trust wouldn't be as damaged. then i'd at least know if i confronted him he'd be straight forward. but no!!!!! sometimes i wish i wouldve left him sooner before i got preggers. so therefore i couldve moved on. but SO has pulled his last excuse card for ME to stay and try. he f*cks up this time, he doesn't just lose me. but his dreams of having a one family household. cause i will not do that to my daughter. he wants to fake it now then he gets what he should've got in the first place. me leaving him


nothing is ever truly impossible

Posts: 635 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Arizona
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 26th (Sunday)

one of the things about false R that sucks so much is that there is absolutely no trust left at all. not even about the small, ordinary, non-A related, day to day stuff. it doesn't matter if he can prove it or not, my instinct now is to not believe whatever comes out of WS's mouth.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11988 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
StoryHour
Member
Member # 19725
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 26th (Sunday)

I have lived the past three years of my life in false R until January. He would always straighten up for a while, but would go back to his old behaviors and devastate me all over again.

While he was here, he called me and asked if there was anything I thought he should know, and it didn't hit me that he was fishing so I said no. Hindsight being what it is, he'd been dropping hints the whole time. As much as I miss him, as much as I do still deeply love him, I have to let him go and let fate have him. He has to want to "be the best man he can be" for HIMSELF, not for me, not for his son, not for that whore. Until he does that he's not going to change, and I have to let him go.

I sat down after that phone call and wrote him an email to that effect, also including what I actually think of his parents (because they play a HUGE role in why he is the way he is), why I behaved the way I did, what effect his behaviors have on me and my son, and why I could not attempt a 4th R and why the divorce had to proceed. I closed it by saying that if my words make him take action now, or even five years from now, that we would not have been for nothing.

I miss him every day, I still deeply love him, but I have to walk away to save myself.


Posts: 2022 | Registered: May 2008
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 26th (Sunday)

((SH))

tc


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Jessy1501
Member
Member # 24483
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, July 31st (Friday)

Hi my fellow false R friends....everyone hanging in there ok?

(((hugs)))


Attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete...ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: My own fantasy land
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 31st (Friday)

hanging in as best I can. still in limbo, or whatever you want to call it, waiting for WS to de-fog, or rather de-tox, from the succubus.

I'm seeing some signs that he is, but at the same time he has done a few things that make me wonder if he didn't just go even further underground. Only time will tell, I suppose.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11988 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Ruby7
Member
Member # 22598
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 31st (Friday)

I saw this thread and my jaw hung open. i had posted in general a while ago about why there wasnt a false r thread and was told bc it happens so often. I guess I was misunderstood. I have said it before, false r is its own special hell. Later tonight when I have more time I am going to sit down and read every post here. so glad i found this bc if you havent been through it you dont know how much it hurts and screws up everything!!

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jan 2009
Jessy1501
Member
Member # 24483
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, July 31st (Friday)

(((inconnu & ruby)))

My story is long and jaw dropping. PM me if you need any advice...I'm relatively new to this, but I've learned SO MUCH.

Hang in there guys, we're stronger than we realize.


Attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete...ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: My own fantasy land
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, August 1st (Saturday)

if you havent been through it you dont know how much it hurts and screws up everything
!!

Ruby7, I'm going through it, and I don't know how much it hurts, or how much it has screwed everthing up.

The whole thing was mission impossible for me, and she made it worse.

I am amazed we are still living under the same roof and still trying to R.

But then I remember why....

tc


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Ruby7
Member
Member # 22598
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, August 2nd (Sunday)

I have come to the conclusion that if I cant get some clear answeres from my h about the false r then we are not going to get through this.

We had false r for 4 months and I no several of you have had longer periods that you have been through. What was happening during our false r has made things incrdeilby hard for me. Our daughter was pregnant and going through several medical issues. When our granddaughter was born I was in with my dd and he was out in the waiting room talking to her. In July of 08 we had to deliver our ds14 to the police. He was arrested and spent 45 days in a juvenile dtention center. The day we had to go through all of that when we got home I was a wreck shaking ,crying, vomiting. I couldnt even talk to my mom when h brought me the phone. I was up in our room crumbling and he went downstairs and called her. There are several other events (all found out through phone records 8 months after d-day #2)during that time that show me that he wasnt trying to get out like he says. Of course when I told him about having seen the phone records he blew up and told me that it was my own fault for digging. After 8 months of r he even told me that it was all my fault. He has since recanted but I really dont know what he thinks now.

His story is that he knew that it was me that he wanted and he DID NOT have feelings for her. Also, that he didnt want to be responsible for her marriage breaking up. That one I cant wrap my brain around and when I ask him to expand he just says that I will never understand bc it wasnt me going through it. In other words leave it alone bc you wont like the truth. He has also said that I dont need to understand every little thing. BULLSHIT!!

Well I have come across some info that has led me to beleive that I have further proof that he was very much eating his cake. dont know what to do at this point I just know that we are both miserable. We live in the same house but are very much strangers. When r began it was probably the most beautiful perios of my marriage. I really thought we were going to make it. Dont have a clue now.


Posts: 329 | Registered: Jan 2009
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, August 2nd (Sunday)

(((Ruby7)))

Sad to say, Your M can only survive if you bothwant it to.

tc

I'm hoping someone has some better advice for you.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
sealskin
New Member
Member # 24874
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, August 4th (Tuesday)

during this false R I am becoming more and more detatched. I think it is because he has no lasting concern about how his children will react when he leaves again. His total disregard for his childrens feelings is helping me let go, but it is also so painful to know I will have to carry my childrens grief alone. I know I am being gaslighted because he is acting exactly like the first time he gaslighted me.

During our seperation people were telling him how brave I was and how proud they were of me. He couldn't face that- I think he must have been in a narcissistic crisis.
he is lying to everyone now, MC,IC coworkers and friends.Now he wants to talk to the family priest, because MC isn't buying his BS.

What is helping me is taking the reins where my finances are concerned.
Some days, like today, I feel detatched and strong- other days I sob uncontrollably
Part of me wishes he was the man he pretends to be, and it hurts like hell that he isn't. Part of me trully believes I will be okay, just wish I could say the same about the kids.


There is a better life for me and my children

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2009
Jessy1501
Member
Member # 24483
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, August 4th (Tuesday)

Some days, like today, I feel detatched and strong- other days I sob uncontrollably

It feels like a rollercoaster ride on a neverending track. I understand exactly what you're feeling.

(((hugs))) to all of us having to deal with a false R...which in my opinion, hurts more than DD.


Attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete...ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: My own fantasy land
imtrying
Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 6th (Thursday)

I seem to have found a little cluster of people who have the same experiences I have had.

I'm three weeks past breaking off my relationship with my Wpartner. I feel like I'm shell shocked. I mistrust everyone, and I am jumpy, and deeply sad. I keep having intrusive thoughts - of events or suspicions anywhere in the time from when we met until the present day.

And then I flash on the ways I allowed this relationship to wreck me. And the nausea hits.

When I was married to my son's dad (divorced 12 years ago), he was an alcoholic. I didn't really understand alcoholism until after he started AA and I started Al-Anon. I didn't click with the 12 Steps, but I started realizing what I was dealing with. But even before then, I learned not to talk to him or try to reason with him when he was drunk. He wouldn't remember it the next day, anyway, and he was cold, heartless, and nasty when he was drunk.

I realized that when he was drunk, he was a different man. Jekyll and Hyde took on a new meaning.

And it is the same with recently XWpartner.

Before D-Day #1, 13 months ago, he was becoming increasingly erratic, undependable, angry (which he had NEVER been before), indifferent, cold, lacking in empathy, and illogical. I remember trying and trying to get him to see logic, the facts. But he could weasel out of anything by rationalizing, manipulating, and criticizing.

A week before he moved out last year, in the dark, with no warning, we were in couplesC, and I said, with the sincerity only denial can give one, "I know we have some problems, but this is the BEST relationship I've ever had."

Then I found out it was all a patchwork of lies. And still I took him back 3 months later. Because he cried, he poured on the attention, I was everything. Yes, I had doubts. He had nowhere else to go, really. No job, and had burned nearly all his bridges. He needed a place to live. And my money.

But that wasn't why he was coming back! And so we went into R and I thought I knew what I was doing, but all his promises slipped away, one by one. And I never insisted on IC or MC or anything. Like with the alcoholism, I didn't get it.

Until it all started up again- at first very slowly. A few lies discovered, a few more accidentally unearthed. Some more that suddenly hit me, days later, that they must be lies.

And that went on for a few months, getting slowly worse over time. I even wrote a song about it called "Out of Line" which starts out--

What if you don't change
And everything stays basically the same
but getting slowly
worse over time
never really trying
to change.
(Hear it at http://www.alonetown.com/misfitwine/)

But I couldn't hear my own message.

I've always picked partners who are unfaithful, emotionally swing from WOW! to NO, and have substance issues. None of my relationships have been great. But this one, it totally wrecked me last year.

But that was nothing compared to this. I think because I assumed, in ignorance, that the lying was over... or would be over.

I had no idea how many compartments are in his brain.

To have him, time after time, look me in the eye and lie flat out is so frightening. For some reason.

Anyway, I'm a wreck.


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, August 6th (Thursday)

((imtrying))

I'm still reeling from figuring out about false R myself so I have no words of wisdom to offer.

one of the things that bothers me the most is how deeply in denial I was. I mean, the man had already cheated on me, so I knew what he was capable of. Yet I ignored so many signs that the affair started up again until I was buried under all those signs. it's really made me doubt my own judgment, since I obviously didn't want to see what was in front of me the whole time.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11988 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, August 7th (Friday)

look me in the eye and lie flat out is so frightening

Where does one go from here?

[This message edited by dirk pitt at 3:20 PM, August 7th (Friday)]


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
imtrying
Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, August 8th (Saturday)

one of the things that bothers me the most is how deeply in denial I was...the man had already cheated on me... Yet I ignored so many signs that the affair started up again until I was buried under all those signs. it's really made me doubt my own judgment, since I obviously didn't want to see what was in front of me the whole time.


You say there were signs you ignored? Did you see them as they happened, but ignored or rationalized them away? Or did you not even see them at all?

I think that I have the denial as deeply as he does when he is blaming me for his sex addiction and his acting out and his lying.

These are the things I knew were RED FLAGS. I noticed them and they troubled me and I kept right on marching past them. Turned away, basically. There is nothing to see, don't look at it.

1. Anger
The anger means he is defensive, which means he has something to hide.

2. Impatience with my healing
The impatience is because he doesn't WANT to look at what he's done, do the work, or feel the pain. He wants the talking and asking and crying DONE with, already.

3. Resentment of and resistance to transparency
Duh

6. Lying/Secrets/Trickle Truth torture
Should not be happening.

7. Empathy disappears Sign that his "rationalization justification poor
me" act is coming back

All those signs should have told me that he wasn't ready or able to truly R. But I wanted to believe. I guess I wasn't ready or able to either. Just wanted to make believe it was all ok.

The trauma of being lied to so much is terrible.

I feel like I need trauma therapy for what the lying has done to me. I hear the same emotions in others- feeling nothing, crying, angry... etc.


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, August 8th (Saturday)

You say there were signs you ignored? Did you see them as they happened, but ignored or rationalized them away? Or did you not even see them at all?

I'm sure there were a few I didn't see at all but mostly I rationalized away many of the signs.

He stopped calling and texting me during the day. He'd respond to my texts but rarely would be the first one to send one. Right after d-day, he always sent me a good morning, I love you text when he got to work.

WS had been calling me as he left work and went through the guard shack so I would know he was actually leaving work when he said he was. He stopped doing that.

I would suggest romantic things for us to do together and he would have some excuse not to want to do it.

We stopped having sex. WS's kisses when he left for work and came home became like they were during his A.

I kept telling myself it was because work was so busy and it was so hot (he works outdoors). I told myself that he was busy. I told myself that he still wanted to R, he just didn't want to do the really hard work but if I waited long enough, he'd start doing it.

all the things you listed, yep we went through that too. It just took several months to get to that point.

If you've seen any of my posts in other forums over the past few days, you'll see I'm no longer in denial about the state of my marriage.

Honestly, I think the false R was all about WS trying to piss me off enough to be the one to end things.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11988 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
imtrying
Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, August 9th (Sunday)

Maybe I am a fool, but I believe that X WANTED to be the person who he tried to be - the strong one, who could resist his sexual acting out, who could be honest, who could love me like I deserve.

I see all his meanness and cruelty as being the blameshifting because he couldn't handle his own guilt.

He said to me recently, a couple of times, that "You make me feel worse about myself than anyone in the world."

He said that when he was cheaterific last year and left me. He says he has done "NOTHING WRONG" now. Except the things I know about i guess.

He also said yesterday that "NOBODY in my life doubts my every word like you do." I had to point out that it was only a week or so ago that he told me he had NOT been with anyone sexually, and SWORE he had nothing to hide about this certain woman that has had my hackles up since Feb because of his lies and trickle truths about her.

Of course, then we had unprotected sex, and then he let me know that actually he and the woman had unprotected sex less than 12 hours earlier.

EEEEw. I said, if you are looking me in the eyes and saying that you had not had sex w/ anyone then how do I know that anything you say IS true.

It made me laugh because at one point I was trying to explain my mistrust and said, "Look, the other day (meaning the one we had unprotected sex) you told me that your dick had not been in ANY BODY"

He interrupted self-righteously and said, "And that was TRUE!"

And I said, "No, dear that was when you had been with OW the night before."

And he just said, "Oh yeah."

But anyway. all the things you mention were definite clues, huh. I totally understand how you could overlook or rationalize them away.

Why WOULDN'T we want to believe the best? It is so sad.
So sad.


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
Jessy1501
Member
Member # 24483
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, August 10th (Monday)

You're not a fool...you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt...because you hold on to that string of hope that they got hit hard upside the head with the reality stick and came to his senses. But we have to come to terms with the fact that when we're dealing with WH's who are still in the fog...there's no benefit of the doubt to be given. They have done absolutely nothing to show us that they deserve our trust yet.

Right now he is blameshifting...trying to make you feel guilty for his stupidities. Don't let him. It sounds to me like you need to 180. Set your rules and boundaries and if he can't follow them, there's the door. Easier said than done, TRUST ME I KNOW...but you need to show him that you will not continue to put up with his bullshit anymore. It's like a game to them...let me see what else I can get away with, you know? And the more we continue to let them get away with stuff...the more they will continue to walk all over us. Take care of YOU...keep us updated...we're here to help guide you through this terrible terrible process.

(((((hugs)))))


Attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete...ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: My own fantasy land
Rosegarden
New Member
Member # 22610
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, August 13th (Thursday)

I get to join this group as well. My stbxh is with ow3 right now. I told him to leave when I found out early this year. Then he begged to come back, saying how he missed his family and wanted the marriage to work.

Well, stupidly, I let him come back, and it seemed to be going ok. ow3 was out of the country at the time so that could be the reason why.
As soon as she came back, he was gone. He actually thought that he could come back and everything would be fine.

After having my heart ripped out and stomped on, I can't go through this anymore. He really doesn't get it. Now he's saying that he is confused and doesn't know which one of us he wants to be with, and I should wait for his decision.

All I want is a divorce so I can live my life. All this back and forth isn't good for me or the kids.

Although this has been the worst pain I have ever experienced, at least I know I tried. I now know how truly screwed up he really is.

What I want to know is, how do you detach and learn to feel nothing when they come around? I know he will be back again, begging to come home and I want to be strong.

Everytime I see him it hurts so much.


If the colour of my clothes just happens to match the colour of my eyes and nailpolish...is that a sign of the apocalypse?


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: somewhere in Canada
Jessy1501
Member
Member # 24483
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, August 14th (Friday)

(((((Rosegarden)))))

I'm so sorry sweetheart. It's truly the worst feeling in the world! Have you tried 180? That seems to work best from a "dettachment" standpoint. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat!


Attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete...ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: My own fantasy land
lostme
New Member
Member # 25362
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, September 4th (Friday)

I'm fighting the urge to cave in to his plea to come back. Here's the deal. The A took place overseas where he works. Last winter after a R I was looking at pics on his camera and there was a pic of this blonde woman, much younger than me. I asked if that was HER and he said yes. The R was in Nov. and the pic was taken on a trip shortly thereafter. He thinks they should still be able to meet for drinks, a trip to the museum etc. I didn't end it again until July, when my torment became too great. I have been so tempted to give in and try again, but I don't think it's wise. This HURTS BAD.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Loveland, CO
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, September 4th (Friday)

He doesn't understand how much he hurt you, do you think he can understand?

If you think he can understand how deeply he hurt you, and is capable of doing the things you need him to do such as NC, then you might have a chance, otherwise...

tc


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Heartless Bytchh
Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)

He thinks they should still be able to meet for drinks, a trip to the museum etc.

As long as he thinks like this, you damn sure don't want to take him back.
It'll just set you up for more pain and suffering.
BTDT, this is the equivalent of the old tired of 'We're just friends".

Don't buy into that bullshit even for one minute.

If it was so innocent, why weren't you invited to those "drinks" and "trips to the museum"s?
Uhh huh, yeah right. And pigs fly at high noon on Tuesdays.

Any time you need help fighting that urge, you just come in here and talk to the ones who've been down that road.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Well it's November, how is everyone? I am preparing for the first of four antiversaries. The will stretch from Nov til June. We are still in R, and doing as well as can be expected.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
imtrying
Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

Quite a festive anniversary season you have ahead of you!!!
(Not).

Is your R going any better now?

I am out of mine, out of the relationship, but need help to move on. I let him come back in the house over and over, but finally kicked him out, and haven't seen him or spoken to him in 3 weeks. Although, I broke down and started texting him nearly every day.

It's a bad feeling. I want to shut the door on him. I'm just alone and having a health crisis, and he's who I turn to, because I haven't got anyone else, but also because I want to feel loved by him. If I just keep trying, he'll love me.

No.
Wrong.


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, November 20th (Friday)

imtrying, considering everything we have going against us, false Rs, and my W working with the om, things are good.

Sorry to hear about you troubles.

If I just keep trying, he'll love me

Sad to say, I don't think that will happen.

I wish you the best.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
sadora
Member
Member # 26216
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, November 25th (Wednesday)

Sadly I have found myself here. My story is such a long crazy one. I will try to be as short as possible. I suspected my H was having A since July of 2008. I found so many clues but he constantly denied my accusations.. said I was crazy making things up etc. Ok in April this year I discovered he had called me from a phone registered to another woman. Confronted him and he gave me some bs excuse his friend bought the phone from her etc. He moved out and got his own place. Within a month after moving out came to me asking not to close the door on us. Said he just needed to work through things and see if he really wanted to end our M. In June he told me yes he wanted us to try to get back together but that he had gotten involved in something illegal that he was trying to get out of and that was what was taking up all his time etc. We decided I would move in with him in September of this year so I got rid of most of my things.. moved in with him and thought we were going to work on M. It lasted a week and he came forward that he wanted me to move out bc he was in love with someone else! The OW called me to apologize and actually anwsered so many questions for me. The house he lived in was perchased by her business partner really cheap as a forclosure and my H had signed a lease option on it. Utilities were in her name.. They had been seeing each other for over a year and her H had found out about the A from one of her friends. So I stayed with family and after a month moved into my own apartment with our daughter. In October he approaches me again at one of our daughters therapy sessions (she has threatened to harm herself with all this and was addmitted to a partial hospitalization program right after we left his home). He asks me if I would consider trying to go to MC. Says he will break off his relationship with OW who is now living in his home having left her H and kids. I told him I would have to see it to believe it. So a week later he asks her to move out and we begin to try to work on R. Had our first theray session scheduled for this week. For one week I felt he was really trying but then I started to feel the disconnect. Sure enough after three weeks of R he says he cant do it he loves the OW and she is his soulmate. The OW once again contacts me and I find out that they had contact about five times over that three week period. I dont know what to think. Does he really love her or is it just this fog that is talked about? He promised our daughter he was really wanting to try and despite the fact she told him if he ever went back to OW she would never speak to him again he did it! The man I married would have rather died than hurt his d. I need advice.. should I just give up and file for D?



Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2009
cass
Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, November 25th (Wednesday)

Sadora

No-one can tell you what to do but there comes a time when you have to look forward and not back.

I would still be in false R if I hadn't decided enough was enough almost 20 months on and he would still be to-ing and fro-ing hoping I would wait in the sidelines until he sorted out what he really wanted (he's still seeing OMW)!!

I would file anyway and if that brings him out of the fog, well and good, if not then you can start to focus on a life without him - a better life.


Good luck and big hugs. It's a hard road but IMHO false R is worse.


DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!


Posts: 4953 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Grinder
Member
Member # 21322
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, November 27th (Friday)

Is it awful of me to want to leave my kids with WH?
I have been waiting for over a year for him to decide what he wants to do about loving 2 women. Kids are recovering and things are harmonious around here but I can't take it anymore. I asked him to give me a reason to stay, to take a step closer to me...like stop having sex with OW. He refuses. He says he doesn't want me to leave. He loves me more than ever..... I need to flee! I have been a stay at home mom for 20 years. I have to start my life over from scratch. I am useless to my 3 teenagers...obviously I have trouble setting boundaries. I need some time to figure it all out. Right now, he is the better parent. But I feel so guilty. If I ask him to leave, it will be like it was last time...he forgot about us totally, living, playing, traveling etc with her. I couldn't cope with all the responsibilty on my own.


"Midway upon the journey of life, I found myself within a forest dark For the straightforward path had been lost" Dante

Posts: 105 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Valley of the Sun
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 27th (Friday)

I need to flee

((Grinder))

You do whatever it takes to make you happy. You can't live like this. Your kids, what do they think about all this? I'm sure they don't want to see you go.

Wish I could be more help.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
DoneThat
Member
Member # 23040
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, November 27th (Friday)

Hi.
After ten years of M my H had a LTE/PA with OW.
He was also talking to mult OW at the bars.. Never got more info.

Came home for false R in Jan-Mar but didn't go NC. Lies, etc. Leaves.

Came back in May with new promises. I thought we were truly Ring.

I have come to realize that he has been meeting mult OW the whole time. Finding them at bars, etc. He says because he was just looking for attention and feels bad about us.
Also tells these OW at bars that he doesn't live with ME but is letting me live my life and doing all he can. Clearly lying on both ends/both lifestyles.

Has anyone gone here? Have any of you ever done this? Any chance of recovery for marriage? Or is this guy out there? I want a crystal ball, I know I can't have, but I think your input would be helpful.




Posts: 923 | Registered: Feb 2009
Grinder
Member
Member # 21322
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, December 4th (Friday)

donethat: sorry. no help from me but i can commiserate. My H is a different type of wayward but it leaves us all in the same place.


"Midway upon the journey of life, I found myself within a forest dark For the straightforward path had been lost" Dante

Posts: 105 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Valley of the Sun
BetrayedMomma
Member
Member # 23767
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, December 5th (Saturday)

I found out about my husband's affair in February. It started last October with a lot of "sexting" and they had sex this past January (we live in different states, so the sex was when they were both away for the same business meeting). After I found out, he immediately went NC, gave me his passwords, signed us up for MC, etc.

I was back and forth for a long time - should I stay? Should I go? Then in October of this year, after nearly nine months had passed and just as I was feeling like I could honestly say "I love you" to him again, I found out about a new OW. They slept together once, without protection (no protection with OW#1 either). I told him it is now time for a divorce.

We are still living together for now, and as much as I think I should probably follow through with getting divorced and just move on, it is so hard to do. We have two young kids. I will be a single mom, struggling financially. If I ever fall in love again, it could be with someone who might do the exact same thing to me. Is it really worth leaving?

I know I will never trust my WH again. When I threatened him with a lie detector test after the "first" OW, he admitted to "fooling around" with a woman about three years ago, when our son was about six months old. So there have actually been three OW that I know of.

My gut tells me there are probably more women I don't even know about.

In almost every other way, he is the perfect husband and a great father. He helps around the house, goes out of his way to do little things to make me happy, makes me laugh, enjoys many of the same things as I do, is very involved with the kids, etc. We have always been pretty happy together, and have been together nearly 13 years. Even now, we are getting along great as friends, despite all that has happened.

I know that people hesitate to give "stay" or "go" advice on this board, but if you are willing to give it I am willing to hear it.

I feel so stuck, so indecisive, so lost.

Thanks!


Me: BW, 32
Him: WH, 34
Married 6 years, together for 13
DS 4 years old, DD 2s year
Divorced!!! 8/12/10

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Minnesota
broken2kidsmom
New Member
Member # 26657
Sad  Posted: 11:25 PM, December 14th (Monday)

I found out my husband was cheating on me on Valentines day when she sent him a nude photo to my phone. He has told me it was over with her multiple times, but now both him and her are swearing it is. I feel so stupid for taking him back over and over, but I can't change the fact that I love him! How am I ever going to trust again??/


Together 7 years
Married 4 years
2 children 2 and 4

Posts: 10 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Utah
ScribblingMum
Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, December 16th (Wednesday)

So sorry for ALL of your pain...I've been in false rec. also w/ my WH who is a SA.

BUT, you ladies made me laugh today!

sealskin with: "narcissistic crisis"
and
imtrying with: "cheaterific"...!!!!
LOL! Never heard either saying before...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
gramsbear
Member
Member # 19101
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, December 16th (Wednesday)

I lived in FR for over 7 years,when I found out he left me for OW and came home 10 months later....caught him again 8 months ago.Says he hasnt seen her since.
Guess what? I no longer care.
Im almost 63 years old,am guardian to my almost 4 year old g.granddaughter and Im not giving up any of this.
The jokes on him and her.
She can have her stolen moments,and lonely days and nights.Im living my life and am over the pain.I treat him well and live much better then i could if I divorced him.Im good....

Posts: 866 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: mich
lifesabeach
Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, November 19th (Friday)

It's been a long time without posting on this topic. Just curious I lived through FR. Took a last chance on R. I don't trust my FWH. Never will. Not on FOW. They still work together. I trust him on everything else and with everyone else. I like who he is again. If only he had been honest and ended the A. I know I would feel completely different. 2+ years later and I am still afraid to open my heart completely I still keep it safe. It doesn't help that everytime he could really build trust on something important he fails. He is still transparent and more caring than in past years. He was those things during FR too. Are there other SI'er that have made it past FR?


R'd

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, November 22nd (Monday)

Hi, I think we have survived the False R. The hard part now is getting through the normal stuff life throws at us.

My W still works with the om, It just reminds me of the hurt, more than I worry about the A continuing.

Take care.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
lifesabeach
Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, November 22nd (Monday)

This is the time of year that is the hardest. Since FOW is not going anywhere it is a constant reminder. I never thought of it before as a reminder of the pain. That is it. How did you come to terms with them working together? I know I have days where it isn't a big deal. This time of the year just gets bad.


R'd

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, November 23rd (Tuesday)

How did you come to terms with them working together?

You might want to post this question on the General forum.

I try to keep the most important things that are going in my life right now, in my thoughts.

The A starts too seem as small as the om does to me.

Take care.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
gonogo1
Member
Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, January 16th (Sunday)

I just wonder how you can do it, go through several false R's ,wash , rinse and do it all over again. What is gained ? what is lost? I find after last false R ,I am so depressed,so hopeless about us, I don't have the energy to go through the abuse again. I'm gone 180 for now, I just can't take the lies anymore.I am drained. NC ...No more hurts.

Posts: 1608 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, January 17th (Monday)

I just wonder how you can do it,

I wonder the same thing. I don't have a simple answer for you. I chose to stay because I loved her.

Because she chose to continue the A just made it harder to deal with. Probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make, was to continue to try and R after the last time she betrayed me. Not to mention trying to control my anger.

Two years later, the fact that they work together, just makes it harder for the both of us to put it behind us.

Take care.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Dontholien
Member
Member # 32632
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 29th (Wednesday)

This is my first post so please forgive my lack of short codes, im not quite up to date with those yet and i also apologise if this isnt quite the right place for this.

A brief rundown of my story:
When i was 7 months pregnant i found out that my partner had been having an affair with his ex and mother of his first child, i had suspected for a while but because of my situation tried to convince myself it wasnt happening but the proof was there and on 27th Jan 2010 i confronted him and he admitted to it he swore i was what he wanted and that it was all a big mistake and that it hadnt been going on long. The day after though the other woman got in contact with me and told me the affair had started before i had even gotten pregnant and that he was in love with her. He apologised about it all and swore that she ment nothing and that he felt trapped in the affair because she had the power to stop him seing his son. We reconciled 2 days later with the understanding that all contact apart from in regards to his son were to stop and that i would have all passwords for all his accounts.
Unfortunatly between our reconciliation date and our break up on 30th May 2010 the longest that the affair stopped was for 2 weeks. I kicked him out when our baby was 5 weeks old after finding him drunk and fast asleep infront of the laptop with a full 3 hour long conversation to her on it and he spent the next week groveling so i let him home again and less than a week later he was back to old tricks and i kicked him out again.
He went straight to her and they were together for 2 months before he left her and told me he made the biggest mistake of his life and he wanted to come back and in Aug 2010 we reconciled again.
This time has been much more sucessful and our relationship has improved greatly unfortunatly i have struggled to put the past behind me, esp after the anniversery of first finding out. i had a really rough time between Feb and April with all the "1 year ago today" memories but the past two months i have really improved, until yesterday.

I was on his FB and there was a conversation with her still open that they had had earlier when i wasnt there and at first it was all innocent but then he started talking about poping up to see her before he went work so to get the kids upstairs watching a dvd and then hinting at them having sex and telling her "only if you want me" and "you know you want it" snd she was going along with it all. When i confronted him he told me that it was a joke that they have, that it was "banter" I dont really believe him and i feel like my world is falling apart again and that months of hard work have just gone to pot. I dont understand why he would do that after months of sucess. No matter if its a joke or not its all still hurtful and now i feel like im waiting to find out he is starting an affair with her again, i feel like im waiting to find out this reconcilation has been false too.


BS- Me 24
WH- Him 26
3 kids- 1 each and 1 together
DDay #1 27/01/2010
Rday #1 30/01/2010
DDay #2 30/05/2010
RDay #2 16/08/2010
R going so well i sometimes think i must be dreaming!

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: uk
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, July 3rd (Sunday)

Hi, sad to hear that you are having a rough time of it. you are the only person who knows if this is worth it.

No matter if its a joke or not its all still hurtful and now i feel like im waiting to find out he is starting an affair with her again, i feel like im waiting to find out this reconcilation has been false

He needs to have more respect for you than this.
You deserve better. It's up to you find a way to get it.
He needs to know that this is unacceptable to you,

Take care,


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
drameka1981
Member
Member # 34014
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, February 21st (Tuesday)

What do you do when Wh says he wants to r but shows you he isn't changing the things he did and decides he rather be single than being a husband or a father.bc he can't deal with your hurt?


BS:(ME)30
WH:32
M:9 years together 11 years
Kids:10,9,4 (all boys)
D-D : 11/16/11
Status:wish i knew

Posts: 304 | Registered: Nov 2011
alxbrn1
New Member
Member # 34889
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, March 3rd (Saturday)

My questions regarding FR is this...how do you know? My WS has admitted that I do deserve a chance for both of us to work on the M, but I do believe he is still in contact though he has been hiding it well. I have one last place to look and I am waiting for the right moment to check. I hate to be a snoop, but I don't want to be stupid a second time...any suggestions???

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Louisiana
FrozenTear
Member
Member # 32680
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, August 8th (Wednesday)

Several short false Rs before it collide and wrecked most of our life. He has been good again but I seriously doubt there is another try in me if we don't make it now.


BS (me/wife)
WS (husband)
Last DD (12/14/2010)
Together since Dec, 19th 2006

"Chaos begins to multiply, exponential memories overide my sympathies."


Posts: 163 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: USA
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, August 31st (Friday)

sad to be here...but i know i am with friends here who understand. my 1st dday was 10 months ago. about a month ago, my husband was out in his mancave...up late until the wee hours of the morning. when i got up, i noticed his phone out...i checked and found a dirty text he sent a woman...it said..."emotionally, you know you cant handle this dick that deep inside you." it was sent a 4am. i confronted my husband...it was terrible...some woman he met on the internet a year ealier. i called the woman...cussed her out...cussed him out....she sent me a text message saying..."you can have him...i dont want him. get some therapy..real therapy."

i cussed her out again..but it doesnt matter...she is not the problem. he cheated...again. the whole 10 months...i thought he was trying, when really, he was talking to some other woman. he made a big fuss about..."putting it all in the past" by getting a new number after the 1st dday. then he goes and does this.

we are currently separated. i am nc unless he wants to set time to see the baby.

still devastated.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
alleyk
Member
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

How can I tell if it's a FR with someone who is a chronic liar?

He's telling me that he wants to be with me, that he's happy with me, and that he loves me.

But I get the sense that he's resentful I am making him give up the OW and forcing him to live this 'boring' life of a 10 year relationship vs. the fantasy.

I saw messages my WH and the OW exchanged, and he sounds so reluctant to give up contact. Perhaps he's trying to let her down easy, or perhaps he is trying to leave the door open.


Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
BeautifulEmpty
Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Alleyk...
I've not posted in this thread but I belong here.

But I get the sense that he's resentful I am making him give up the OW and forcing him to live this 'boring' life of a 10 year relationship vs. the fantasy.

Decide if these are your feelings or if there are good reasons that you are feeling this way.
It sounds like you have reasons outside from just your own hurt feelings that are pointing you to this idea.

If so, you are likely right about him. If he is really a chronic liar, it's quite possible he hardly knows the truth from a lie any longer as he's probably been lying like this his whole life...and in that case, I think you know the likelihood that he's telling a truth.

The thing is, if he's doing actions that make you feel like he'd rather be doing his thing with OW (and written messages are pretty clear), then he's not in any kind of R with you. It's not false R, it's NO R.
If he's been really on his game for awhile but gradually (or suddenly) begins to slip back into old patterns or distressing new ones, it's false R and in either case, it really hurts so I'm very sorry for your pain.
The only consolation, if he is continuing his wayward thinking and acting, is that he's lying to OW too and that is very little consolation, indeed.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
alleyk
Member
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

BeautifulEmpty- thanks for your thoughts.

I confronted him about the messages they were exchanging (which were mostly harmless in nature) and told him I was done and she could have him, that I had said absolutely NC... He freaked out and insisted he does not want that, he wants me and our marriage. I told him to write a message to her saying as much, which he did. He said he loves his wife and is doing everything he can to save his marriage, and he can not have contact any longer, asking her not to contact him. Let's see if it sticks I guess, right?


Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 233