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User Topic: Emotional Affairs
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)

A thread for those seeking support for affairs that were strictly emotional.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, April 4th (Friday)

I feel like such an idiot...I didn't suspect a thing. My h was having an ea with a coworker a former co worker and a woman we both know as an aquaintance. I have found 18 months of cell phone conversations. I initially found out about a woman he works with by accidently seeing his email. I got out of his email before reading all of the emails or even fully comprehending the ones I did see...I thought I was going to pass out..I did see that he was asking her what he could get her for Christmas! After discovering her I searched cell records to see how much they talked and slowly but surely discovered other numbers that he called alot...sometimes 12-15 times a day! They were just friends of course. I didn't even know about them..they were secret..the cell records were so hurtful...I had it right in front of my face that he would call me for 1-2 minutes then hang up and immediately try to get hold of whichever girl he was most into that day or week and talk to them for 30-50 minutes!!! We didn't have conversations that long at home! He says he hasn't told the woman he works with that I know..he feels his job would be threatened...they don't talk about anything but work...that he was the one pursuing the emails and phone calls and she doesn't even mention that they stopped..that's not possible is it? I saw the cell records months before I discovered the email and she was calling him too..he said that the other x-coworker was just a friend..he would call her up to20 times in a cell bill cycle...he would sometimes call her over and over on cell and her home..she is single..to find her ..he did do all the calling with her..the other woman he called alot in a 6 months span...she was single also..her work..her cell..calls weren't as long as to the other women but for a time more frequent...7-8 times in a day! I feel so helpless..I don't feel like I know everything yet either..he doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't understand why I want to talk about it. I don't think a PA could have hurt anymore! He doesn't say what they talked about, I am not stupid..I want the one he works with now to know that I know. I did call the other 2..he was mad about that! My husband works with an office full of men in an engineering office and there are only 2 women that work there..he is out in the field alot and she does alot of his paper work. I think she does this kind of thing with one or more of the guys that work there..she likes the attention. I want to know more and yet I am afraid to push the issue ...and would he tell me everything anyway. Can he continue to work with her? Do you believe the havent discussed my discovery..I feel that he is protecting her..I did threaten to call her husband and my H was not happy...says he was worried about losing his job..I worried that the other guy would kick his ass. Why would I care! These women knew I didn't know about these relationships and maybe they even discussed me!!These questions are yelling in my head almost all of the time...I am taking it day by day and we are working on our marriage..it's hard to know what to work on when you don't know why they were so vunerable to begin with..How have you dealt with EA's and how is your recovery going?


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
UnbearablySadd
Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 4th (Friday)

I am so sorry! I hope that your WH will come to realize that an EA "is" cheating. Read the book "Not Just Friends." It will help a lot - especially if he is willing to read it (or parts) too.

((HUGS))


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
74Camaro
Member
Member # 17345
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

My H had an EA too, so I thought for only 6 months. Recovery for me was difficult, I found a love note/text on June 2 and immediately got us into our minister, and then therapist. He swore for 6 months that it was an EA. Probably would have taken it to his grave had I not found out it was a PA. Slept with her twice.

Now that I know the whole truth, recovery is going well. He was bound and determined not to lose me, so bound and determined that the best thing was for him to carry the burden. He's grateful it's all out and so am I.

Bottom line, R did not go well because my gut told me he was not being truthful. I feel he is now, so we're doing as well as can be expected.

Hugs to you...


BS(ME):53 - WH:51
DDay 6/07, Truth 12/07
Together 26, Married 22
Reconciling - very happy

Posts: 714 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Great Lakes
trenka
Member
Member # 14975
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

My husband had an EA it is all of the emotion and time that was invested that hurts they would call each other 20 or 30 times a day. I found out on mothers day yea me. So this year for mothers day I am telling her husband I know this is cruel and I will be as gentle with him as can be, but they were planning to meet. I had multiple ddays with it after I found the phone and email records he bought and hid a pre paid phone. He hid it at work a friend of ours told me he had it and since my nephew and son work with him I had them break into his locker at work and bring it home wasn't he suprised. If he had put one tenth of the effort into our marriage as he had put into his little fling we would have had a great marriage. He said hurtful things about me I was a fat domineering bitch. He forgot to tell her that I had gained all of the weight after his first affair ten years before. He didn't tell her he was 50 pds over weight or that he had quit having sex with me years ago and could only get it up if he watched porn. Yes I am still bitter he is doing all the right things but the funny thing about words you can never take them back. I would rather he had struck me than to speak so disrespecfully about me to a total stranger. Of course she was no stranger to him they were old high school sweethearts who hadn't laid eyes on each other for 30 years. They found each other on classmates. It must be love at least that's what he told her she was the one he had always wanted and everyone else was just a poor substitute. Made me feel real special and like I said once spoken you can never take them back. It doesn't matter how much he tells he loves me it will never mean much because I will always wonder if I am just second best.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: kentucky
blackcat13
Member
Member # 18550
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

My H had an EA for about 7 months, and then it turned into phone calls every day. I knew about the phone calls, just did not know about how many and how long, and all the texting all day long, while I was at work! He went to visit relatives, and she lives near them, how convenient! He slept with her twice. I found out by accident 2 weeks later. It is over, but never, ever, think that they are "just friends". I just found the IM's a few days ago, and man, they were NEVER just friends.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Mar 2008
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

I'm a member of the EA group too.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
not4me
Member
Member # 3089
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

Thank you for starting this!

Count me in, too. The EA with co-worker my WH had for years was a killer...it devastated my life, and affects me to this day.

I'll post and/or reply in here when I can.


"I've looked at life from both sides now." Judy Collins

Posts: 463 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: PA
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

I sometimes wonder if I won't find out that one of these ea's wasn't a PA...All the conversations I do know about...it is hard to imagine what they talked about...I guess we know that they probably mentioned us in some unkind way, when I look at the cell records it is like someone is sucking the air out of the room...I think he was very close to just walking out...when I confronted him ..he wasn't upset..he just looked at me crumbled on the floor and said" So, what do you want to do?" I wanted to yell and scream..but, I could tell by his face he was ready to just walk...I am so mad that for over 18 months he was developing and putting energy into these women on the phone probably in emails and wasn't trying to work on whatever he felt was wrong with us. He had lost alot of weight right around the time I think these started ...I think he had a lot more confidence in himself and wanted attention from some other women. It has been a little more that 3 months since my dday, still have lots of questions and emotions are all over the place..lots of anxiety ...loss of concentration..Please someone who has survived this...is there anybody out there who has survived and believe that their spouse will never stray again? If I didn't have this forum I would go crazy..I have only told 2 people about this and I have not mentioned it to them in weeks..I think they were thinking I was losing it and didn't really understand the magnitude of pain. I will be available to any of you if you will hang with me. Love and hugs to all of you..


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
nola
Member
Member # 18729
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

EA's are such a fine line and it seems like it's like a stepping stone admittance on the WS's part. The more I read the more I realize that they usually are also PA the WS is just too afraid at the time to admit it. So far my H insists it's never turned physical but we'll see....


BS (me)-30 WH-30 OW-former friend of 20 years

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: In pursuit of happiness
nola
Member
Member # 18729
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

I've just braced myself for the "larger" truth, just in case.


BS (me)-30 WH-30 OW-former friend of 20 years

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: In pursuit of happiness
cjonesjag
Member
Member # 10617
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

Sometimes you do need to "brace yourself" for the other shoe to drop (PA). But make no mistake, an EA is a *very* difficult thing to get over (just as is a PA).

reallylost...read Lucky's stuff..she survived this and they are thriving. Its possible to survive *all* types of infidelity if both parties choose to. EA's are especially difficult sometimes because of that "fine line" of the WS being able to say "well, I didn't have SEX with the OP!"...

yeah, blek...you gave the OP so much more of yourself than just your weiner. You gave the OP your mind, your heart, your attention, your emotional spirit, and shared your secrets, hopes and dreams..

Its a very difficult thing, and I have much empathy for all of you here.

I told my WTFH many, many times that I wished he had just 'banged her' and gotten it over with. Investing almost two YEARS in a secret "relationship" was so much more unfair to me.

There has always been that nagging doubt in the back of my mind that there relationship was also sexual. I know, without a doubt, that he was pursuing her for this for the last six months (or so) of their "relationship." He's lied about basically *everything* else, so I would assume that there is no truth anywhere in his brain.

*We* will not survive this, but not because of the emotional infidelity. There is a much bigger can of worms that is just unreconciliable (for any human being).

YOU can do this if both spouse are willing to commit to the work. Its grueling, nasty and sweaty. I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

Where there's remorse (on the part of the WS), there's hope.

((hugs)) to all EA finder-outers...


Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

Posts: 6402 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Michigan
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

Hi,
count me in as an EA survivor. I am so glad they added this topic. As always, im sorry we are here, but I do look forward to getting to know you and share our stories. I will be hanging out here quite a bit.

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 12:35 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
last_time
Member
Member # 18200
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

I'm going to count myself in the EA club but somewhere there's just this intermittent nagging in my brain that says my FWH wasn't interested in "talking" as in sneaking on his cell phone with her as he would like me to think. He NEVER was a phone person. All of a sudden he was. There HAD to have been something more....

Then there are the other times that says he is just a jerk who got his jollies by having this "secret" idiotic relationship but in the end I still hate him for it.
Most days....


Posts: 368 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: northeast
last_time
Member
Member # 18200
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

Could we get a poll to see how many think their WS EAs were really PAs??

Posts: 368 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: northeast
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

last_time, what do you consider a PA?


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Muff2do
New Member
Member # 18872
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

About eight months ago I found emails that my Husband wrote to a woman in Norway. It started as friends and then turned into an EA. He told her that he loved her and wished his life with me away. We have been married for 30 years. I have to say it was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. The betrayal is huge! He put so much time and effort into that relationship that it left nothing for me. He gave her ALL his love so I got none.

Now that we are working on R and have started to try and fix the things that weren't working in our relationship life has gotten better. but there still isn't a day that I don't think about what I read in his love letters to her.

People don't understand how hurtful an EA can be to the BS. They seem to think if he didn't have sex with her than it should be no big deal but it is. They don't see that the amount of time that he spent maintaining that EA took time away from our marriage. The loving things that he was saying to her should have been loving words to me.

I knew something was wrong before I found out and even asked a couple of times if he had a lover. The last time I asked was the day I found out. He left to go out of town and I hacked my way into his email and myspace accounts. I felt like someone kicked me in the gut and then stood there laughing at me. WHAT A FOOL I was for not checking up on him sooner.

Anyway, things are getting better. I have just gotten to the point that I want to start doing things again. I've let all of me hobbies and interests just stop. I didn't ask for any of this but I got it anyway and now it's up to me not to let it destroy my life and who I am. I'm back!!!!!!111


BS-me 49
WS-him 67
D-day 8-17-07
Married 32.5 years
3 kids b-30, b-28, g-23

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Minnesota
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

Muff2do, welcome!!


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

Yes, my stbxh had an EA with a co-worker back in 2003. He would never admit anything except the usual "just friends" and I was the over jealous wife. Anyway, that blew over and I thought we were R'ing. Fast forward to 2007 and I caught him with another "female friend". That was the last straw for me. He also is alcoholic so that's a whole other issue. Anyway, as I was preparing to D him I got news that his EA was really a PA. Anyway, my stbxh showed ZERO remorse, acted like he did nothing wrong--they were "just friends" (finally admitted it was one time with co-worker-don't believe that for a minute), etc. It hurt to find out all those years later Yeah, if both BS & WS are willing to work at it then there is a chance. I was the only one who really wanted the marriage to work and that never works out

[This message edited by Why?? at 5:44 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."
"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." Abraham Lincoln

Posts: 2278 | Registered: Feb 2008
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

Why?? I'm so sorry.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
dayatatime
Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

Hooray! It's great to have someplace for those of us recovering from EAs. I know my WH's A was an EA only ONLY because I hacked into his email and he bragged to his best friend that he "should have hit it (slept with her) while he could" and that he was still tempted to try to sleep with her.

Still, it has been the most painful experience of my life because of all the "luuvvvv" they shared and how bizarre the relationship became. (She seduces married men for sport and posts the results on the Internet. WH did not know this until I Googled her and showed him... It doesn't remove his responsibility, just illustrates how desperate he was for the attention and admiration.

Looking forward to chatting with others here!

BS 47
WH 49
son 7
Cday 9/25/07

[This message edited by dayatatime at 6:03 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]


BS 55
WH 57
son 16
SA for 40+ years

Posts: 798 | Registered: Nov 2007
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

Hi dayatatime!

We are going to have quite the little group here aren't we???


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

Hi-- another supposedly EA 'only' here. Well, three. And yes, I do keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. He looks at me with big, wide innocent eyes or sometimes shouts in anger that he never slept with them. But I've known him to have that exact look on his face and find hard proof later that he was lying.

I don't think we will get through this, because he is not meeting me halfway, or even a quarter of the way. He's doing lots of really nice things, and spending a ton of money on me, and has himself convinced that makes up for lack of truth and transparency.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
momnpain
New Member
Member # 18815
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

I am another member of this group....about a month ago, I found emails between my husband and a coworker....wow! I never knew he could say things like that! I just received copies of his cell phone bills for the last 6 months....waiting to get the data for the text messages! I hate being here, don't know where I am headed, but I am glad to know that there are some others like me here. He claims that there was nothing physical between the two of them....the thing is, though, he knows that I don't have proof of physical activity. God knows he had plenty of opportunity! So....for now, I am also waiting for the other shoe to drop! This is a miserable and devastating feeling....some days I wonder if I can move on from this.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2008
hopefulnz
Member
Member # 16942
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

I had a friend tell me that my FWH didn't really have an A because he didn't have sex with her. (Lots of kissing, petting etc though)

To me if your husband comes home & tells you that he doesn't love you; is in love with OW it's an affair.


Me - BS (43)
Him - FWH (52)
Married 17 years - together 20 years
D Day #1 - March 07
D Day #2 - April 07
A year of false R
Final D Day - March 08
2 Children 15,13
Reconciling

Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New Zealand
confusedbythis
Member
Member # 15455
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

I think I need to be counted in this forum too...I already relate to the Emotionally Unavailable spouses but this fits the bill too...

Found out that WH was having EA with my cleaning lady (ick) 3 mos into their "friendship"...who knows how far it would have (has?) gone if I hadn't discovered them? Phone calls of 10-20 per day by WH (who knows how many returned by my lovely cleaning lady??) and many lunches/dinners to just "chat". WH prides himself as a "helper" and sees no harm in trying to help another person with their issues...never mind the secretive-ness or lying or just WRONGNESS of it all...

But I digress from my question which is...

I just found out that he has been lying to me AGAIN-- told me they have had no contact since September and I just found out that he still speaks with her about her new-found AA program. When I asked him about this he said "I thought things were going so well for us...didn't want to rock the boat...And I just don't see what the big deal is- I am just trying to help a person with a huge problem better herself..."

Is there any hope for this????


BS me
WS older than me
DS- typical teen (from a previous marriage)
DD #1 1995, before we married (how stupid am I...)
DD #2 6.8.07 EA, PA
Divorced June 09...free fron CRAZY-LAND!!! Yahoo!

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: OR
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

I cant believe how similar all our stories are. Last month just after our romantic Valentines getaway , I found you that he made contact w/ her again. Of course he just wanted to see how she was doing. He knew our cell phone bills did not show the numbers of incoming calls. I guessing he called her from the work phone and asked her to call him on his cell. It just so happened that I had just called sprint and asked them to start sending a full detailed bill. Pretty rotten luck for him huh?? Anyway, he said that they decided never to contact each other again. She called him a again the next day, they spoke for 10 minutes, (oh, he doesnt remember that). Then she called him two more times at the end of the month. It only shows a minute, so he might not have been able to answer those calls. Anyway, ths was for the month of Feb. Im still waiting for my online bill from Sprint for the month of March. Its making me crazy! Like some of you said, Im waiting for the other shoe to drop. Im so afraid of what I will find out. I have been thinking of different conversations I would have w/ him if she has continued to call. Their is so much more. Im so glad they finally added this topic for us. Its good to hear from others that are going through the same crap.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, April 7th (Monday)

how many of you have to endure that your spouse still works with the op? Mine does and swears they only have contact about work related issues. I find that hard to believe, but what else can I do? I am committed to this relationship and believe for now that he is too. But, like I said, I found 2 other women after the co worker...I do feel he was more emotionally involved with the one he still works with and I believe it would have gone further if she had wanted it too...that kills me. I also believe that she will attempt the game again..especially if he is avoiding her. He also swears he has no contact with the other women...he certainly wouldn't be dumb enough to use his cell again..and I have informed those two that I know and don't believe the "just friends" plea. How many of you got to confront the op? what is different about your relationships now? Keep posting, I have felt so much stronger knowing so many of you are experiencing the same things. Stay strong!


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
dayatatime
Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 7th (Monday)

My WH still works with OW but fortunately, he got transferred to another location. They email each other very infrequently for work reasons only. WH sends me copies of all of their messages. OW was sent a N/C letter right after D-day. She fished a couple of times but otherwisde kept to the terms of it. (Probably she has already found her next OM.)

IMHO you have to treat an EA exactly like a PA in terms of N/C.

OW was an addiction for my WH. He loved the way she adored him and the idea of being adored by someone more than he adored her.

Still, I really believe an EA is a PA waiting to happen.

BS 47
WH 49
son 7
Cday 9/25/07

[This message edited by dayatatime at 12:01 PM, April 7th (Monday)]


BS 55
WH 57
son 16
SA for 40+ years

Posts: 798 | Registered: Nov 2007
hopefulnz
Member
Member # 16942
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, April 7th (Monday)

Still, I really believe an EA is a PA waiting to happen.

Last D Day when FWH finally ended it he told me that things had been escalating in the previous 2 weeks. He said he felt that if they had carried on it would have ended in sex. And he knew that if it went that far there was no going back - our M would be over.


Me - BS (43)
Him - FWH (52)
Married 17 years - together 20 years
D Day #1 - March 07
D Day #2 - April 07
A year of false R
Final D Day - March 08
2 Children 15,13
Reconciling

Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New Zealand
last_time
Member
Member # 18200
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, April 7th (Monday)

Still, I really believe an EA is a PA waiting to happen.

I totally agree with this. I think it is just the lead-in to when they feel comfortable or the time is right for a PA.

In my case, I know of one time when he went to a black tie affair without me and she was there. I have asked him about that, if anything happened. Guess what the answer was? How'd you know?
No, they didn't even sit at the same table. At the time I didn't know the EA was going on so I told him I didn't want to go this thing, now I could absolutely kick myself.

SHe did live within walking distance of where they worked and she was divorced, no kids at home, so technically they could have gone to her apartment at lunch......but in my heart I don't think he was that desperate, but I've been wrong before.

Lucky, I think an EA becomes a PA with any kind of intimacy, even a kiss


Posts: 368 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: northeast
Jean20
Member
Member # 14048
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 7th (Monday)

Count me in to this group too unfortunately!


Me FBS 52 y/o
Him FWS 53 y/o
Married 26 years
3 kids: 25, 23, 21
D Day 3/20/07
Deep into R

**Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: New York
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, April 7th (Monday)

I am a member whose WS had an EA. It was only for 18 days and I think that if she didn't live out of state (in NC) and FWH wasn't deploying, who knows what would have happened.
I hate the fact that he talked to her (mainly to cyber sex) instead of me. He did feel so guilty that he tried to tell me once during a phone call home (while he was in Kuwait). I will admit it scared me how he sounded so I interrupted him and told him not to worry about it, that I would love him regardless. I wish I would have let him tell me instead of finding it out on our phone bill (text messages via phone- he never called her... I already cross-checked all the numbers).
Emotional affairs suck.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, April 7th (Monday)

I posted this morning in
General this morning, but I wanted to update it a bit and see what you guys think...Why would an incoming number show as unavailable if it is coming from the same provider. We use sprint and so does OW. Could it be that she blocked it so it wouldnt show up on the details? I mean why would sprint not know where the number is coming from. I do know for sure its the same provider. Im so angry I can scream.
I found out in March's bill that she had called WH. He didnt think I would know because incoming numbers were not showing on our bill. As luck would have it, I asked for a more detailed bill and their she was. Well I guess she started feeling uneasy about it and Im guessing she started blocking her number. Im sure its her at the beginning of the Month of March. Curiously enough those "unavailable numbers" stopped showing up when I started trying to contact her. I let her know that I knew about their contact on March 6th and thats when the incoming calls stopped. He swore that their was no more contact after Feb. I havent confronted him yet. What do I say since I really dont have any proof? Im thinking of bluffing and just make him think that I have proof. Funny, Im not as upset as before. Im afraid that Im starting not to care anymore.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
wasfooled2
Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, April 7th (Monday)

Yippeee!!! Another club to belong to!!

My H had an EA that lasted at least a year and a half, from what I can gather from the evidence. He was head over heels in love with this girl, and it nearly killed me. I was suicidal for months. SI members saved my life.

IMHO, the strong emotional connection was much harder for me to swallow than if he had slept with her.


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
why me???
Member
Member # 10499
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

WOW…. I’m in the club too…finally…

My FWH had a 9-month EA with some PA, (kissing) with an aggressive OW who pursued him strongly; she portrayed herself as a friend, but with a much bigger agenda. Actually it was only 3 weeks for him, he got his ego stroked and it lifted him at a low point, she wanted more and he couldn’t follow through. He realized what he got himself into, but by then it was to late, he accepted the fact that he reacted to someone who had way more issues than him (or us) and didn’t know how to end it. He was afraid she would call me. So he allowed it to continue at a minimum. He was weak and has learned. We were close and had a pretty good marriage and this is scary, if this can happen to us, it can happen to anyone. We have to educate and learn from this. She was a psycho and he finally ended it by telling me. Boy, life teaches us a lot! It sucks really badly at times. But we still learn. She was aggressive, he was weak and fell for it. It only makes you stronger, even through the pain………

I will tell you that I spent months and months looking for more to fit the mold of others. Not that him having sex wouldn’t have been harder to deal with than all the EA stuff. But I thought there had to be more. In my mind he either wanted sex or had sex. In the end, I am learning that A + B doesn’t have to equal C. Thanks Lucky.!!!!

We are currently reading “Not Just Friends”. Even though we are two years out. (I struggled and am a slow learner, maybe my delay was I just didn’t want to accept any of it? Who knows) but it is teaching us both a lot and I know we will be ok. I said that before, but somehow lately I feel different…..

Does anyone have book suggestions similar to “Not Just Friends”? I am finding this a true healing piece for us both. I wish I had gotten it a long time ago. But then again, we all learn differently. I feel like I am doing this all ass backwards. But I can’t complain our marriage is solid and I don’t think much could get through this wall we built….

I wish everyone here the best, and hope this truly helps you to find healing……It sucks but in the end, if it’s meant to be, it will be……

J Why me???



Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2006
jose
Member
Member # 14665
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

I too belong to this club. It is hard because many people think that it is less damaging than a PA. I wish it could have been a PA only.
She used to work with him and told him, one night 3 y. ago, that she was in love with him. He told me right away what happened , talked to his chief and asked not to do cases with her( fall 2004). End of 2005 and 2006 , he became more and more distant , stressed and moody. I taught he was depressed ( stress due to job? or getting older)and ask him to seek help. I was so worried for him until my children found out about his daily phone calls and told me(7/29/06). When I confronted him, he said that she had become his soul mate and they had not been intimate ( not yet but very close to).He did not want to hurt us , his family ( my IL adore me and were my bigger support) and he was afraid of the scandal it will provoke in the hospital if it became public ( both my H and FIL work there). What a shock!! I emotionally die that day. He was and still is the only man I ever loved. It took him 4 more months to be able to detach from her. To this day, he still take ( as he should) the all responsibility and never has blamed her, it was all his fault. Yes,it is his fault but it is also true that as soon as she came to work in the hospital, she pursued him , became his "good" friend , befriended me and even named her son after him( because she loved my husband' name!!!). Thank God she left in March 07. He has done all the right things since then and is working very hard on our marriage. We had been married for 21 years at the time and were best friends, sharing everything. I trusted him more than myself. Not in a million years could I imagine he could lye to me. I still can feel the pain as I am writing. He is truly sorry and could not be more loving and forthcoming, Unfortunately, deep down in me, something was taken that cannot be replace. Yes, EA can be as devastating than PA.



"Do or do not ,there is no try"

Posts: 247 | Registered: May 2007 | From: New England
Screaminginside
Member
Member # 18381
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Count me in as a member of this group. As far as I know, my WH's was an EA and not a PA, but at this point, not even sure that matters.

It's been very difficult for me to deal with his having an emotional attachment to someone other than me. They were emailing each other over 100 times a day, meeting after work, cell phone calls, etc. I'm not sure how I'm ever going to get over that.


BS - Me 44
WH - Him 37 WSinKS
Living together 12 years, Married 8
DDay Feb. 19, 2008

‘Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future.’


Posts: 994 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Kansas
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Wink  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Finally a topic just for me... well for all of us who's been victims of an EA (and who wonder if it was really a PA). There are so many of us, we really deserve this forum :)


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

confusedbythis
Tell your WH that your marriage is going to be a much bigger problem than any she has and that he needs to fix things at home before he can help anyone else and he can never help her and should never talk to her again, she's not his problem, your marriage is his problem to solve (with you)
best of luck


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

How many of us EA mbrs have had false Rs. WS going back to his EA partner. I recently found out I did. More details in a while.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
confusedbythis
Member
Member # 15455
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

tormented soul...

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I have been and am telling him those exact statements but the problem is, I guess,...ME. I say all of that and then he just "drops by" to see how we're doing or just "calls to check in" and I don't cut the conversation short.

What is wrong with me? I know that I need to make my boundary very clear but I seem to want him to "get it" by me just preaching and preaching to him...The very real action of cutting him out of our life until he starts to "get it" on his own seems to be too hard a step for me to take.

I know he doesn't love her or even want to be with her in a real relationship. But that doesn't take away from the FACT that every ounce of energy he gives to her is taking away from the energy he should be putting into OUR issues. So clear yet so difficult to get through...

cbt


BS me
WS older than me
DS- typical teen (from a previous marriage)
DD #1 1995, before we married (how stupid am I...)
DD #2 6.8.07 EA, PA
Divorced June 09...free fron CRAZY-LAND!!! Yahoo!

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: OR
ARmom
Member
Member # 16143
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Thanks to the mods for starting this.

I am in the EA only group - the OW in my case was 1300 miles away the entire affair. She was pressuring him to meet her at a nearby city while she was between flights and this is the point where WH ended it or it might have become a PA.

However, I can honestly say I do not think that would have made it any more hurtful than it already was. The sheer volume and content of their communication over the 3 month EA was already overwhelming and beyond painful.

The one thing I can be thankful for is that my WH realized that this WAS indeed an affair. He knew this from beginning.

And yes, I had false R for 2.5 months - and a broken NC after that. That caused more damage I think than the affair itself.

So, here I am. My whole story is in my profile.


Posts: 911 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Small Town AR
gemini_june_20
Member
Member # 18606
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

I'm the survivor of an EA. I don't think (and don't know for sure) whether it was an EA that turned into a PA or not. But in the end, the EA was just as bad in my book. When my WS had the EA, he emotionally disconnected from me and emotionally connected to her. The cell phone bills mounted and he even carried his cell phone to bed with us just in case she called.

Anyhow, I think an EA can be just as much if not MORE damaging than a PA (especially if the PA is a one night stand vs. an EA which is typically a deeper connection).

My thoughts are will you. This is a painful time. Take care and hang in there. Sending hugs.....


Married >7 years, together ~9 years
Discovered affair - March 11, 2003
Filed for divorce - March 31, 2003
Divorced - May 5, 2003 (waived 90 day waiting period)
New Job - May 12, 2003
Bought Own Home - May 6, 2003
Adopted a baby girl!-August 2006

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Oregon
hopefulnz
Member
Member # 16942
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

How many of us EA mbrs have had false Rs.

Count me in. False R went on for a year. FWH didn't seem to get that ANY contact he had with her was wrong.

He seemed to think phone calls & texts were harmless.


Me - BS (43)
Him - FWH (52)
Married 17 years - together 20 years
D Day #1 - March 07
D Day #2 - April 07
A year of false R
Final D Day - March 08
2 Children 15,13
Reconciling

Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New Zealand
Dagny07
Member
Member # 16928
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Count me in, too.


Me:BW Him: FWH E/A
M: 30 years, together 37 : both guilty of PAs 20+ years ago
CDay#1 Oct 06 (false); DDay#2 Oct 07 (truth from OW's BH)
R: Tenaciously optimistic

Posts: 862 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
ispyonyou
Member
Member # 18478
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

Great, another group I can join! My WH is an a$$hole. I'm in the angry stage now. He had multiple EA's , some for a prolonged period of time,but all running concurrently with one being an EA/PA with my former bestfriend. I have a winner don't I? Sorry I am venting!!


BS DDAY Feb08 " ...I faced it all and I stood tall; and did it my way..."

Posts: 129 | Registered: Mar 2008
Better Days Soon
Member
Member # 19048
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

Hi, Im 2 mths in since d-day of my wife commiting adultery she had the EA for six months before this I confronted her and said I dont belive you can just be freinds with this guy as she was cleaning his house etc the EA is still continuing
struggling its 6am and cant seem to sleep well seeing my councilor today the lies are the hardest he came to my house the other day when I was at work and she is paying of his b,day present and the phone is full of his texts etc she promised any advice please NC


"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" (Isaiah 40:31).

Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Australia
justfriends
Member
Member # 17867
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 11th (Friday)

Sorry, can't join....his was a PA as well.

[This message edited by justfriends at 9:42 AM, April 11th (Friday)]


D-day Jan 2008
me BS (now 42)
him WS with no communication skills or heart
4 month PA
WH left 3/10/12 after 4 years of R and 18 years of M



Posts: 426 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ca
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 12th (Saturday)

Betterdays, NC needs to start now or she needs to leave. IMHO. I should talk, I just found out he broke NC and he is still here. But if you feel emotionally strong enough, give her that ultimatum, or maybe a 180 will work.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, April 13th (Sunday)

So do you ever think we'll get over the fear that it was a PA and we just don't know all the facts yet?


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
wiserinsocal
Member
Member # 18487
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, April 13th (Sunday)

EA or PA, it equals betrayal.

It hurts like a son of a b*tch. I would have rather suffered a near death injury.

The time invested in the EA does an incredible amount of damage to the marriage.

Sorry to remind folks here that kissing even a little in the A, makes it a PA as well.

Peace to you all.


"It's the intangibles that are fragile"- WiserinSoCal

"The Main things are the plain things, and the Plain things are the main things" - Alistair Begg

Every one needs to believe in something, or they will fall for anything...


Posts: 1802 | Registered: Mar 2008
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, April 13th (Sunday)

how many of you have to endure that your spouse still works with the op?

:raising hand:

I started to feel a little better when they were working opposite shifts. But then we've had incidents such as last April when I picked him up from work. He came out one of the enrances near where she works. He gave me some story about how she wasn't even there, although he was supposedly in the other half of ER, not where she works. He said he went by to check that she wasn't there because he knew I'd be upset. HUH? So if he wasn't going to be near her desk anyway, why go all that way? It made no sense.

And I now know that she's been picking up overtime on his shift. He never mentions it, of course, although there's no doubt he sees her.

On the other hand, I've got some outside verification he's barely on her radar anymore. Unfortunately, he has lied to me so often over the years that his word just doesn't do it anymore.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

I had asked Sprint for a full detailed bill for the calls in Feb. I found out she called him in Feb and they spoke a few times. Then the bill for the month of March showed some numbers blocked for the first week of March. Several calls and a couple for about 20 mins. About the time I found out about Feb's calls and I tried to contact her, those March blocked calls stopped. To this day he insists he only talked to her once in Feb, and that was it. The bill shows the first call for about 20 min then the following day another for 10 min. The following week she called him twice but I dont think thye spoke, those show for 1 min only. (bare w/ me)Thenk came those blocked numbers in March. I asked him and all he can say is that he
doesnt know where those calls came from and he doesnt remember.
I swear he thinks Im stupid. He rufuses to admit it. He never even asked to see the statement, now if you were being accused of something u didnt do, wouldnt u want to see it and figure out what happened? Now I know why he got so upset when I tried to contact her and tell her off, they were still communicating! I need your advice, what do I do. I dont have absolulte proof, ( he only confesses when I have proof.) I dont know what to do, I dont want to be
angry all the time, but do I just go on and pretend it didnt happen?? Help.
By the way, she refuses to take my calls.

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 1:14 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

2yrsinthedark,
don't let it drive you crazy, I see lots of blocked numbers on my phone and my ww's. Not every blocked call is something to get suspicious about.. I know.. It drove me nuts for months until one of my best friends called and we talked for an hour.. if I was the WS, that would have looked incriminating.. lucky for me I'm the honest and trustworthy one.. hang in there... keep checking, eventually you'll either find something or become more accepting that nothing is going on (I'm over a year out and I still check the phone bill every month)


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

I know, but since I knew for sure that she was calling till the end of Feb, then those blocked calls started for the 1st wk in March. They stopped suddenly when she knew that I knew. They talked for over 20 min twice, and he doesnt remember?? I dont think so. I know I know, I got to let it go for now.
I asked him to send an NC letter. He is working on it, he doesnt want to,but he says he will do it. Anyway, I read his first draft. REJECT! Altough he told her no more communication, he apologized for what he did the HER AND ME!! Telling her that she was a wonderful person and she deserved to find someone. I DONT THINK SO!! He was taking all the blame, but she deserves some credit. Am I right? I told him that it should say more like.... WE screwed up, WE betrayed BS (me).
Also, I didnt really love you, I love my wife, I was in love w/ the idea of another life. I told him that I dont expect him to end things badly, BUT, he doesnt need to be so wishy washy either.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
trustagain
Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

I, too am a member of the EA club. I have also caught broken NC three times, a private cell phone, etc. No trust here whatsoever. Trying to R, but I don't know how to do that without trust.

I am constantly looking for clues. I can't stop. Haven't found anything in over a month, but my trust in him is so broken, I can't stop thinking that they just went further underground.

I can't understand, that if "nothing" happened why OW is more important than the respect he should have for me.


WH - 48
BS (me) - 50
Son - 25
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4473 | Registered: Nov 2007
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

How many of us EA mbrs have had false Rs. WS going back to his EA partner. I recently found out I did. More details in a while.

We've had that. Several times, really. He told me he got rid of the secret e-mail account. I trusted him absolutely, forgave all, and in my mind and heart it was truly over. 18 months later, I found the second one.

He led me to believe he'd quit communicating with her by removing her from that account. He gave me the pw and told me in front of the MC that NOW I KNEW EVERYTHING, he was an OPEN BOOK.

Come to find out, he just switched her over to his work account.

Supposedly he's been nc with her since August 06, but how in the world am I ever supposed to trust after that? Especially when he's made it clear he will not open his work account to me. And the twice I've pushed, it turns out he DOES get personal mail there which he doesn't forward to me as promised. He just shrugs that off with various excuses. But I'm supposed to just blindly trust that she isn't among them, ever.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

I guess I'm lucky. My ww used her home computer to access her work e-mail and low and behold she told her computer to remember her password, now I have all the web mail access I want, 6 months and now contact through her cell phone, home or work e-mail addresses. Maybe your home computer has the information you need to access his work e-mail


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
coffeehater78
New Member
Member # 19137
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Newbie here,
first off, thanks for a place to vent to whoever started this site/thread.
I too am a victim of a WS having an EA. To start matters off, I was not the best husband I could have been for 11 years now. I was not there for her when she needed and I didn't know how to show my feelings. I recently,(through this whole ordeal) found out maybe I need something medical to help me through the day, my whole family on my mothers side have to depend on anti-depressants. So I looked up some info and I too have a doctor's appt. to see what my options to make me a better husband/father.
Sorry to make this too long, but my story is this, I found out my WW was getting too friendly with guy from work. She said we needed to make separate email accounts so me and her can write/flirt with each other and the kids not know what was being said. I thought that was a good idea and went for it. She did this as she was texting on the cell phone and used up our 400 text in just 3 days on mostly him. So then the emailing started and I found out. I confronted and she said it was just friends, which I still was extremely jealous. But trusted her. I still told her to hold it down and not stay on emails all night...she agreed.
A night or two of this went by, but still had 30-50 emails a night. I dont know exactly what was said but for the emails she kept the OP was telling my wife that he thought she was wonderful and beautiful. This is all true, but to read it from another man and to know my wife liked it was something else to stomach.
So I said no more contact and she agreed.
That didn't last 24 hours, the next night they were back at it on the computer and after I asked her to quit, she said one more minute, which lasted another 21 minutes, so I went to the breaker panel and turned the power off on the house. This broke my power supply on my computer and we had no emailing or internet for a week. This was the most wonderful week we both had in a long time, we got along and I really felt she loved me again.
The week didn't last.
She got a friend to give her a laptop, for free and that was ok, but she didn't even leave the laptop giving friends house to get back online and start emailing him again.
Side note, they have to do all their talking away from work because he is a security person at work and they are not supposed to be in this kind of friendship anyway.
When we got home I had to see what was being said on the computer and she no it was her own business. It was a bad night for both none the less. The next day we had our alone time, she went off by herslelf and I did the same. I found these emails later in the day which she told him that she wanted more from him than just friends, this realy got me boiling and I told her to call him now infront of me and tell him its over, which she did......FOOL ME AGAIN>
The emails stopped and as far as I know there was no contact. Then I checked her laptop 6 days later and the history showed a new email address that they had just went further underground. I hacked into that and what I read there made me barf. They had not turned it into a PA yet from the best I could tell but at least this time I forwarded all the emails to a secret account and told her I knew everything.
I am still a little lost here
She even says shes not physically attracted to this guy, but continues going back to him....The only reason she says its off now is embarrassment from her family. That was the only thing she asked, is that if I don't tell on her she would give me a week to prove she was over him. I feel fooled so many times what do I do?
Am I too trusting, or am I just that horrible to be around that she would rather be with someone else that I don't think she even likes.
I promised to get medical help and go to therapy but this has not been enough to her, do I need to give her time to see I can be what she loved 11 years ago again?
Sorry for so many questions but no one knows the pain like this.
I too have been in a near death experience as I had my right leg amputated 3 years ago in freak industrial accident that nearly took my life. Was in the hospital for 6 weeks. I would rather go through that hell a million times over than to experience this for another minute.
thanks for letting me vent here

Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2008
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I have been so blown away by the magnitude of the pain I have felt from this experience...I in some ways feel like I just woke up from a dream...my life was just coasting by until 12/26/07..forever my life will be...my life before and my life afterwards....I often felt before this that my H was better than me, I totally trusted him with my everything!! Where do you go after that? I blamed myself at first..what was wrong with me, sure I'm not perfect...that is no excuse!!Have you heard about the book, "Not Just Friends", I recommend it highly, for you and for your spouse. This is a process, somedays I didn't think I would survive it. But, I did and you will too..get support...read here, so many have experienced the same thing..and if you need meds, take them..I am still considering it. Stay Strong!!


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Maybe your home computer has the information you need to access his work e-mail

No. He changed the password, doesn't log on, EVER from home for fear of me getting the pw, and tells me that their e-mail system isn't even accessible outside of his work computer. According to my computer expert acquaintance, that might actually be true (what? truth coming out of his mouth?) but even if it isn't, it's no longer worth the effort to me. I know that he and she discussed his fear of me seeing anything and how he'd just instantly delete anything to or from her. It would be a fool's game trying to find anything, even if they e-mail every day. I'd have to spend 24/7 on the computer, and frankly, if he wants to convince me he's now an honest man, HE needs to start doing the work.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

how many of you have to endure that your spouse still works with the op?


MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.... for 18 long months after d-day.

She finally stormed out
and can NEVER be re-hired... yippeeeeee

I wrote an article in the Healing Library in BS FAQ'S about working w/ OP.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ3


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

Although kissing is intimate I don't consider that to be a PA.

Mainly because I think it disrespects the members here who's WS had a sexual affair.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, April 18th (Friday)

I think kissing does make an PA, actually, I guess it depends on the kiss... a romantic kiss or a peck, like kissing the bride at a wedding... the friendly peck (ie kissing on the cheeks like in France) would be ok... but a romantic emotional kiss does constitute a PA. I also think a PA is easier to deal with on some levels... at least the WS knows they've crossed a clear line... An EA can keep a WS in denial for way to long


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
trustagain
Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, April 18th (Friday)

tormentedsoul - I couldn't agree with you more. My WH so far has only admitted to a kiss. Since then, I can't even kiss him. That is intimate enough.

I know with my first H - I found out early in our relationship that he got a BJ from a lap dance when he and a bunch of guys went to a bachelor party. All the guys did. I stayed with him, and even forgave him. One time thing. Then 18 years later he had a "real" A and we divorced. I couldn't and wouldn't forgive that.

But with my current H it was flirting through emails - 100's of texts, a secret cell phone, etc. I am trying to R, but I honestly don't know if I can. I feel like I am doing all the work, all the worrying.

I think part of me not leaving as I did with my first H is that I sold my home, moved my sons to a new area and I really would hate to uproot them again. I want it to work - I do love him - we have only been married 1 year.

I just truly feel that he is still in contact with her and just further underground.


WH - 48
BS (me) - 50
Son - 25
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4473 | Registered: Nov 2007
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, April 18th (Friday)

I understand what your saying about the kissing.

For *me* I don't consider it that because Mr Lucky never initiated it, she literally climbed in his lap and started attacking his face.

As far as a kiss, it was pretty freaking lame. Her attacking and him pulling away and turning his face away.

It doesn't hurt any-less though.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
dayatatime
Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, April 18th (Friday)

Have you guys ever wondered why EA did not turn to PA.

I can't figure out sometimes how anyone can get SOOO emotionally involved with someone without the physical component. How can you "luuuvvv" someone without as much as a kiss?

(I can verify that WH's A was EA only because I hacked into his email where he admitted to her how tempted he was to go to PA.)

WH and OW shared multiple ILYs, 100s of texts/emails/phone calls/time alone at work.

OW tried to take it to a physical level, but WH went into IC and blew the whistle on the A. He said he didn't want to lose his M. I appreciate this but it still hurts like hell sometimes.

He said he loved the adoration and the way she made him feel but did not love her. When the EA threatened to go to a PA he realized this.

Still there was SO MUCH fog - he was feeling so bad because of MLC, FOO, etc. the he needed her constant stroking.

I still don't get it sometimes.

BS 47
WH 49
son 7
Dday 9/25/07

[This message edited by dayatatime at 4:48 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


BS 55
WH 57
son 16
SA for 40+ years

Posts: 798 | Registered: Nov 2007
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, April 18th (Friday)

Well she offered, he said no, he wouldn't cross THAT line.

Thank god, huh?


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

No PA because she is 600 miles away. Im sure they would have if she had been in town.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

An EA can keep a WS in denial for way to long

Exactly. And one of the reasons we're stuck. Either he's lying to me that none of them became pa, or they really didn't and he's really got himself convinced that years of secret female friends and lies isn't that serious because, hey, he didn't SLEEP with them.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, April 21st (Monday)

Capri,
to this day, I don't think my ww thinks she really did anything wrong, but she understands my feelings at least she has had no known contact in 6+ months


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, April 21st (Monday)

tormentedsoul,

How does that leave you feeling? How do you deal with that attitude?

I suppose I could look at it as grateful that he has (supposedly) ended contact despite not understanding. But the way I see it is, he had his intimate conversations with her about our marriage and other things. He still doesn't have any conversations with me deeper than kids, work, and weather. He has said he's not afraid of her looking down on him, and that's why he could talk with her about his feelings.

Well, I'm flattered, but it doesn't solve anything.

Sooner or later, he's going to want to have some emotional connection with another human being again, and since he refuses to have it with me, I have no doubt whatsoever this is going to happen again.

I also feel his refusal to see a problem with lies, secrets, and discussing my faults and deepest secrets with another woman is disingenuous, a refusal to take responsibility. His attitude is, I'm not contacting her anymore, so why can't we just disagree (about how serious it was)?


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, April 21st (Monday)

Hi fellow EAs, I had a question for you. I hope Im not breaking any SI rules, Im sure I'll find out soon enough.
Anyway, I was wondering if maybe we can all make a date and meet up on Yahoo (any of the others) to chat sometime. Some support time, or vent time or whatever. Let me know what you think.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, April 21st (Monday)

I'd be all for it.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
wasfooled2
Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, April 21st (Monday)

Have you guys ever wondered why EA did not turn to PA.

My H's didn't because I caught him while we was planning his trip to turn it into a PA. The trip never happened.


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Capri
How does that leave you feeling? How do you deal with that attitude?

It's kind of the elephant in the room that no one talks about. We seem to be doing well, I just can't seem to let it go in my mind. Constantly thinking when will she contact him again or go to far with someone else.. until it happens (if it happens) it's just wait and see


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

It's kind of the elephant in the room that no one talks about. We seem to be doing well, I just can't seem to let it go in my mind. Constantly thinking when will she contact him again or go to far with someone else.. until it happens (if it happens) it's just wait and see

Exactly what's going on here. And if I do ask questions, he yells and gets angry. When I point out that I don't yell and shout if he asks questions about my friends who really are just friends, I don't feel any anger. He has a way of blaming me for that, too, saying he's angry because I keep asking and asking.

Actually, there are two problems with his answer. One is that he's gotten angry from the very start. The first time I saw the secret e-mail account, I genuinely felt NOTHING except surprise. He got angry at me! The second is that I actually have given him plenty of time 'off' from being asked.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Capri,
he's angry because I keep asking and asking.

He probably just doesn't understand why you don't trust him anymore. He can't see that when he lied, he lost all credibility and only by talking and answer questions can he even start to build that up again.

For me, like I said, it's the white elephant in the room. We don't talk about and I don't bring it up. I do check cell records and e-mail every chance I get.. nothing on those fronts so I've started to worry less. Hopefully, one day, trust will be fully regained


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

No, he doesn't seem to really grasp how badly he's destroyed his credibility. He explains to me that I can feel reassured it's over because he said so. It would be funny if it weren't so serious. There have been dozens of times when he's 'said so,' and it turned out to be a lie, even in front of two mc's.

And we mostly don't talk about it anymore, either. So for us, it's also an elephant under the rug.

Unfortunately, in my case, he's shown himself so adept at thinking up new ways to trick me, that I just can't let myself trust anymore. If I found a dozen secret e-mails of both his and hers and had access to everyone, and checked each ten times a day, I'd wonder if they each had a thirteenth that I hadn't yet found, that they were using. That's where his lies have left me. I really don't know if the damage can ever be undone.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

I just want to have one moment where I don't have that elephant in my head..it is even rare for me to wake up and find my mind already there. Sometimes I wonder if I knew the entire truth, would I really feel better or be better able to move on. I don't think we ever get the whole story..and maybe that's for a reason..I don't think they really get how much pain and destruction this has caused...I feel like I am pretending to be alive...does anyone think I need meds? I cannot afford counseling, I don't think...maybe I will have to do it for myself...I just question a random person understanding this ****, and depending on who you have access to, is there advice based on educational knowledge or their own beliefs? Do I think too much?


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

reallylost,
we all probably think to much
the thing we all have to learn to live with is that we may never know everything.. even if we did, we would always wonder more. I read a post that someone said, "if they had 12 secret e-mail accounts and I checked them all and found no evidence, I'd wonder if there was a 13th account". That's me too. But I've been trying to force myself to believe that no evidence means nothing is going on and not let my mind conjure it's own nightmares

Hang in there, we're all in this together


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
trustagain
Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

I agree torment - I am always looking - I can't stop. I haven't found any evidence in the past 5 weeks, but I can't get over the feeling that there is something out there. I try and take advice that "if something is going on, you will find out". I keep thinking there is a hidden phone, he did not just "stop" talking to her after dday #3. (dday #2 is when I found a secret cell phone) They are just better at hiding it.


WH - 48
BS (me) - 50
Son - 25
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4473 | Registered: Nov 2007
chinagirl
Member
Member # 5531
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

My H had an EA also. Met her when he was out of the country, text, ICQ, secret e-mail phone calls, mailing gifts and money. He couldn't F her because she was out of the country. however he proposed to her, promised to divorce me and move to her communist country. Hence my screen name! He knew her for 2 days. They just do not get it how painful it is to have them give themselves away emotionally and allow themselves to fall in love with someone else. I felt it would be easier if he just fucked someone and it was done. But the promises the willingness to give everything up for a stranger is too hard for my heart to bear. We went 4 years in R then last week i caught him again different woman this time closer to home. How to cope i really don't know. Obviously he has an ego problem. Seeks out strangers because he fears true committment and true intimacy.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Oct 2004
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

Obviously he has an ego problem. Seeks out strangers because he fears true committment and true intimacy.

I think that's a huge part of what happened here. He told me once that he didn't care if he told her (any of them, I guess) something deeply personal and she laughed at him. But with me he cares deeply. Well... flattering, I guess. But it's still a huge problem, and one he hasn't solved. I am the one who said about the dozen e-mails, and that is part of why I keep feeling no matter how many avenues I rule out, he's found another one-- because he's shown me that he does want and need emotional intimacy with a woman, and it still isn't me. We make small talk. So I wonder where he's getting the real stuff from.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

I find this so amazing, we have all had long term relationships with our partners and they find more intimate conversations with people they've known such a short time. My H and I are working hard to be more intimate and make our conversations more than about: the children, the weather...I was shocked myself when I really looked at how we related to each other. I think the attraction is that they know so little about these other people and they can imagine whatever it is they want. It hurts to think that they could go to the trouble of being intimate with someone else...yet we weren't worth the effort!
I am a little scared at the discovery that the man I have been with for 15 years ...may be the person in my life that I know the least about. I just hope that I like the person I am getting to know now.


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

I was wondering how many of us EAs had our WS write a NC letter. Here I am 8 mos (today is the anniversary,) and I am having him work on the letter now. I need your help. What should be and not be in that letter. I have had to have him write if over a few times already. Its as if he doesnt want to piss her off or hurt HER feelings.
Can you guys help me out?


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

I haven't had him write a letter. He says he hasn't told her that I know...I don't know if I believe that...but, i have told him that at some point he will have to tell her..he says he only has contact with her about work related issues and that he was the persuer and that it hadn't just begun when I discovered it. I don't know if I believe that either...I told him that i would have to tell her sometime that I knew and would tell her H if I saw that she was initiating the game again...I think that this has been on again off again(she does this with other guys at work for attention, then stops) I will get the right moment..I don't want to jeopardize his job at this time, but I may get to the point where that is not important.
I think there is a no contact letter or explanation of one in the healing library. Also, get the book , "Not Just Friends", by Shirley Glass.

Your are ahead of me by about 4 months..let me know what is ahead, please!


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
Screaminginside
Member
Member # 18381
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

I haven't had my WH write a NC either. He promised me NC with her so guess I feel it's pointless to have him write her one, especially since that would actually be breaking NC.

I am really sad and gloomy today because my WH still has feelings for the OW. It makes me feel hurt and angry and hopeless. I don't know how to deal with any of these feelings. How long will it take to de-fog? His EA was only six weeks long and yet, he thinks it will take years to "get over" her. Anyone else having this problem with their WH? If so, how are you coping?


BS - Me 44
WH - Him 37 WSinKS
Living together 12 years, Married 8
DDay Feb. 19, 2008

‘Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future.’


Posts: 994 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Kansas
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

He led me to believe several times over the years that there was nothing more going on with her. After discovering yet another trick (moving her to his work account and giving me the password to his personal account), I got angry enough to tell him it was her or me. I didn't tell him to send NC letter. Two days later, he came home and told me he'd e-mailed her one (she's now 2000 miles away). First, he lied and told me he was so upset he had no idea what he said. Several months later, he told me he said something along the lines of, "She told me it was you or her, and I have to choose my family. I hope you and your husband never go through what I'm going through."

He has said, maybe 8 months ago, that he 'misses it.' Back in December, we had a discussion in which he could not bring himself to say anything even so mild as that it was wrong for her to encourage a married man to lie to his wife. He defended her, said he was sure she 'didn't see it that way.' Is that still in the fog or what? She told him to set up the account, she knew it was secret, she knew she was secret, he told her how he was being careful to delete everything and how he was afraid I might have seen the last few between them. And she willingly participated every step of the way. And 18 months from nc, he can't see that that is wrong.

Considering all the horrible things he's had to say to and about me, to her and many other people, that he would continue even now to defend her was about the last straw. How I'm coping is no more sex. I feel cheap and used when I give myself to someone who has made me look bad for years to everyone he knows, even led them to think I'm mentally ill, but can't even say it's 'wrong' to encourage a married man to lie to his wife!

[This message edited by capri at 1:22 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

I did ask my H to tell her verbally that it would never happen again, instead of pretending it never happened. If that is really how it has played out. I asked him to tell me what he would say if she brought it up...he said he would tell her he couldn't do that..I wanted him to say...because I love my wife!! That didn't even cross his mind...and doesn't know how that hurt!


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
trustagain
Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

My WH didn't write a NC letter either. On November 2nd he told me it would never be an issue again. On December 22nd I found a secret cell phone (which apparently she provided him). On December 26th I was told that IT IS OVER (really this time) yeah right. I emailed her on 12/26 and told her to get her skank claws out of my husband or she could deal with her husband. I got a call from my WH and was told that her husband is a lunitic and that he would kill both of them - he is very abusive (funny if I lived with an abusive husband the last thing I would be doing is kissing another man). In January I told my WH that if I ever foudn further contact then her H would be told. On March 10th I found that they emailed through a gun website (though innocent stuff) it was still contact. WH said that she just asked a question about a gun - "god forbid he's rude to her and not respond". I sent a letter to OW's H, but never received response. Guess she must have intercepted. My WH never mentioned the letter so maybe OW's H did get it and doing his own investigating - I just think it is wierd he hasn't called. I know my WH would say something if OW knew about it.

So the story goes on that I still feel in my gut they are talking, just better at hiding it. I am always looking for clues, phones, chargers, phone cards, etc. Part of me just wants me to find something so I can just end this madness.

The other part of me just wants to believe him and move forward.

This really sucks!!!


WH - 48
BS (me) - 50
Son - 25
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4473 | Registered: Nov 2007
Screaminginside
Member
Member # 18381
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

Amen to that! THIS SUCKS!


BS - Me 44
WH - Him 37 WSinKS
Living together 12 years, Married 8
DDay Feb. 19, 2008

‘Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future.’


Posts: 994 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Kansas
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

That is such an unpleasant feeling, wanting to believe it's okay now and move forward. I wish I could, but after so many lies, I can't. And then fwh rubs salt in the wound by acting as if I'm just deliberately, obstinately refusing to trust him. As if years of lies leave me with a choice.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

OMG, I am almost in tears reading your posts. I feel everything that u do. He gets angry because I cant trust him, , I so want to believe but I continue to snoop, sometimes like trustagain, I want to find something to end it once and for all, but pray that I dont. Like many of you I didnt think we needed a NC letter than I found out about the phone call he made. This was right after we got home from a romantic weekend he surprised me with for Valentine's day. I was so heart broken. Makes me wonder if he missed her and thought about her while we were together. I told him he really screwed up cuz I was finally feeling like I could forgive him and move on. Now we are right at the beginning again. God, Im glad I found all of you, I thought I was going crazy.

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 7:37 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

Since my WW worked with the other man, I knew that NC wasn't totally possible, but I did say and was clear, nothing personal, just work. If asked "how was your weekend?" respond with "how can I help you?" or even "what do you want?" nothing at all personal, keep it to work! I found out at 6 months that she contacted him trying to find out how he was doing.. the excuse I got was that he'd tried to kill himself and she was concerned, she told me no one else at work knew and not to tell, that resulted in a yet another fight and I IM'd with him and told him directly, co-workers only, nothing personal. He said he totally understood, co-workers and being polite and friendly.. I said "no, polite but not friendly.. you can't be friends". 2 months later he was fired and my WW e-mailed me the corp. letter saying that would make me happy. I said only if there is still no contact, which she said there wasn't. Flash forward 3 months and she e-mailed him again and he responded instantly, catching up on what he'd been doing the last 3 months. I totally lost it. Told my wife that she broke NC, she said she'd had a bad dream and thought something had happened to him. I told her I don't care if you have a dream or even if you see him hit by a car and dying... he's not her concern. my WW was very upset, I'm a bad person for not trusting her, for checking her e-mail, etc. I slept on the spare bed that night. I was also mad at him, I'd told him no contact and after a night of not sleeping I called him first thing in the morning. Told him he was an ass and that he was not to have contact with my WW. He said he'd done nothing wrong, that they hadn't been any contact. I was so pissed, said, "I'm not stupid.. as a matter of fact, if you ever want to commit suicide again, let me know, I'll make sure you know how to do it right!" (I didn't want to say I'd kill him but that's what I wanted to threaten) anyway I hung up and as far as I know, NC has been maintained for 6 months now unless he's calling her on her work phone which I doubt. So that long story is how NC came about, no actual letter.

sorry for the long post... that's been building for at least a day since the question about NC letters was asked


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

This was right after we got home from a romantic weekend he surprised me with for Valentine's day. I was so heart broken. Makes me wonder if he missed her and thought about her while we were together.

It makes you question everything. He spent years telling me 'someone at work' suggested he set up that first secret account. He finally admitted what my gut told me all along, that it was ow1 (skank!) He's told me for years that 'someone at work' said he'd look good in a goatee. So he wore one from about that time up until about the time I told him it was him or me. He says it's because after over a decade, having facial hair suddenly gave him a rash. But I'm left wondering if he wore that goatee for her the whole time. All those years, I loved him having a goatee, and that my husband had finally decided to grow one 'for me.'

For reasons I can't even remember, I found myself wondering a day or two ago if she was also in on the decision of which house to buy, back when we first bought a house. I find myself wondering how much of 'my' marriage was really the two of them.

tormentedsoul, there are so many stories like yours, of continued and recurring broken nc. It is yet another reason there is no more intimacy between us. He has steadfastly refused to let me look at his work e-mail, and simply dismisses the little issue that he hid her there for a few months till I figured it out for myself. He doesn't seem to think the fact that he's breaking his promise to forward ALL personal e-mail sent to his work account should bother me, either. After all, it's 'just' so and so, it's 'just' about such and such, and (yelling at me) he didn't reply to any of it anyway. He simply refuses to admit that breaking a promise is breaking a promise, period. Lying is LYING, period. But I'm just supposed to take his word for it that he's not lying about HER.

Excuse the vent.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
last_time
Member
Member # 18200
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

Thought I would chime in...
My FWH never wrote a NC letter because I ended it for him. I called her house at 6:30 in the morning and left a message on her answering machine that she had better knock off the crap with calling my H and to stay out of my marriage. I also informed her that we had a 10 year old son who didn't need his parents to divorce over this. She went into work that day (they were co-workers) and told my FWH. He called me up, pissed...that I called her, asking me what was I doing? Cracked me up.
I told him I didn't give a shit anymore and that if he wanted crazy (every story he ever told me about her, was about how *crazy* she was), I would give him crazy (I'm normally very reserved). And that is what finally ended their contact. My FWH found another job about a month after that, so I'm not sure what went on between them during that month, and probably never will.

We had been thru hell years ago when he had LTA with another co-worker but somehow managed to recover (miracles do happen), and he had been as good as gold for the last 10+ years, so I was absolutely thrown for a loop that he would do something so crazy and, to me, incredibly stupid, especially if you're risking your marriage and NOT having sex. What's the point?
I found this EA even more confusing than the PA. It just seems idiotic to me. He wasn't *in love* with this woman, in fact, when he first started working there, he couldn't stand to be around her so much, she gave him a headache, she was so stupid, talked too much....This is who he ends up sneaking out to his car late at night to talk to.... Then when I find out, he can't *remember* what they talked about, it was nonsense, nothing important, blah, blah, blah. So what do I have here?
-A person he didn't think was smart
-talked too much
- was as old as I am (49 y/o, not like a hot young babe, like I would have thought he would have acted like an idiot for)
- supposedly NOT having sex with her.

He was willing to risk his marriage, family, home, job for???

It just doesn't freakin' make sense to me. DD for me was 11/07 and I still obsess it.
I just feel like he has to give me something... Even it hurts, tell me what you were thinking! He just doesn't have any answers. Says he doesn't know why he did it.
Wasn't in love with her.
Didn't sleep with her.
It just doesn't make sense...


Posts: 368 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: northeast
latebloomer45
Member
Member # 18021
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

It just doesn't freakin' make sense to me. DD for me was 11/07 and I still obsess it.
I just feel like he has to give me something... Even it hurts, tell me what you were thinking! He just doesn't have any answers. Says he doesn't know why he did it.
Wasn't in love with her.
Didn't sleep with her.
It just doesn't make sense...

I got an answer just tonight, don't know that it helps. He is TRYING to communicate honestly, he is not trying to hurt me, but what he said was:

"She gave me feelings you never did and I don't think you ever will. (NOT sexual, emotional validation). I can't help thinking about her because those feelings were good. I don't want a divorce because a. the kids b. 24 years together c. She no doubt has flaws I don't see, even if she WERE interested in me. I love you, I'm truly sorry I hurt you, I am NC, I want R, but I doubt I will ever stop thinking about OW".

Fanfuckingtastic. Guess what? I will never stop thinking about how I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU. I'm fucking HUMAN, so are YOU, we are bound to let each other down!

Fucktard!

Thanks for letting me vent. Now I can sleep.


Me: BS 54
Him: FWS 55
Married 29 years
Son-24 Daughter-20,
D-Day #1 12/11/2007
D-Day #2 5/23/2008 fucking trickle truth!
Whatever Threnody said, I concur.


Posts: 3234 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Midwest
last_time
Member
Member # 18200
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

Ouch, Latebloomer, that hurts.
I don't know how I would respond to that. He may be
brutally honest or he's idealizing this OW and her *magical* ability to give him *good feelings*. Really, what the hell is he talking about?

Posts: 368 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: northeast
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, April 25th (Friday)

I feel like all of you are in my head...translating all of these confusing thoughts...I just want to move on! I want to physically hurt the ow! I want closure, honesty, and my relationship back! I feel like I am going to lose it today. I have to work, I hope I don't have to step up and be brilliant today.


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
confusedbythis
Member
Member # 15455
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

What about a situation where he feels like he is a "hero" to the OW? Apparently she has a drinking/substance abuse problem. I know about his need to "help" people (you should hear sometime about his merry band of "crazies" he calls his friends! ) But after his two PA's from years ago...I NEVER thought he would put our relationship at risk for this type of relationship!!!

I have asked for NC since the day I found out (6/10/07- my dad's bday, no less). He broke it in July, August and September. Thought it was over and found out last month that they were STILL talking (who knows how often...) as of February.

Apparently, he STILL doesn't understand that trying to help her is effort taken away from OUR relationship!!!

I am at the end of my rope too...The wonderful work I am doing in IC is giving me the tools to figure out what I need and want in my life and it certainly is NOT this type of relationship!!! I just wish I could figure out why the heck I stay in it!!!

cbt


BS me
WS older than me
DS- typical teen (from a previous marriage)
DD #1 1995, before we married (how stupid am I...)
DD #2 6.8.07 EA, PA
Divorced June 09...free fron CRAZY-LAND!!! Yahoo!

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: OR
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

We call that KISA syndrome. Whether or not it's an actual syndrome, I know Mr Lucky was a KISA.

Knight
In
Shining
Armor


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

((confusedbythis))
I don't care how bad off she is, if his relationship makes you uncomfortable he needs to stop. even if there's not an EA, he needs to be open with you. I told my WW that anytime she's doing something that she wouldn't do if I was standing next to her, then she's crossing a line. Sounds like Mr. confusedbythis needs to figure out which is more important to work on, being a hero to you or to her

hang in there and don't put up with him going against your wishes


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

What I'd really like to know is why so many of these men (I suppose women can have KISA, too) want to be a knight in shining armor to everyone but their own spouses?

This is something I'd discussed in a pm with a member here, and I know the two of us are not alone. He can't stand to hurt her feelings-- but he can hurt mine. He can't stand to say a word against her-- but he's said plenty against me.

Why????


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

What I'd really like to know is why so many of these men (I suppose women can have KISA, too) want to be a knight in shining armor to everyone but their own spouses?

The million dollar question. I sure wish I knew.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
confusedbythis
Member
Member # 15455
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

KISA...glad to know it has a name...I think!

WH has spent the past 10 months, since DDay, trying to just sweep this away and make me feel like it is all my problem. As in "when are you going to get over this, CBT? It really is just no big deal..."

The closest I have gotten to him admitting that this relationship is not just "helpful to her" was about 6 wks ago when he said he did get something from it...like attention, admiration, yada yada. (god forbid he is getting anything physical; at the rate we are going, I will get the whole truth in 2015)

It is just so frustrating- I am trying so hard to learn about my "part" and patterns of behavior in IC; he just seems to wait for me to get over it. No effort on his part at all...Not even a sincere apology...Still tells me "I just don't see why you are all worked up- she is just a friend..."

cbt


BS me
WS older than me
DS- typical teen (from a previous marriage)
DD #1 1995, before we married (how stupid am I...)
DD #2 6.8.07 EA, PA
Divorced June 09...free fron CRAZY-LAND!!! Yahoo!

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: OR
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

Yep I got a KISA too. Hell, I cant even get a decent NC ltr, I think he is afraid of upsettng her!!


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

Hopefully everyone here has read NOT "Just Friends"??

http://www.shirleyglass.com/


It's an excellent book for those of us who have experienced EA's.

Of course Mr Lucky never read it, but I devoured it several times.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Cool  Posted: 8:05 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

"Not Just Friends" is available in my local library, you can check there if you don't want to spend the money on it.


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

Of course Mr Lucky never read it, but I devoured it several times

Mr. Lucky was the ws? Do you mind my asking how things got better? I'm assuming he understood and admitted why ea's are wrong without reading a book?

I ask because this is among several final straws last December, the realization that Mr. Capri can't even be bothered to crack a book to save his marriage and make some amends. To me, that said this just isn't important to him, how this has hurt and affected me just isn't that important, and in the end, *I* am just not that important. But then, he is still acting as if this is not really that big a deal, and still will not call a 13 year secret friendship an emotional affair. (He sees how someone MIGHT think it was that, but says it wasn't.)


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

Capri, he never read one damned book, and I kept SI hidden from him.

I did send a lot of articles from the Healing Library, like Josephs Letter, I just rewrote it for our situation.

I also sent him several links on EA's and the devistation they cause, he flunked the NJF EA quiz by a landslide.

BUT. It was his words and actions that put this mess back together.

He's done everything right since he went NC. (long story on that. )

Without realizing it I was doing parts of the 180, and he was very intrigued with this new lucky.

After being a wife and mom for nearly twenty years, I was so low on my own totem pole, and not even on Mr Luckys anymore.

Well... I changed that.

The 180 made me take care of myself.. and actually the kids liked the new me better too.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
LiveLuvLaph
Member
Member # 15536
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

I got it, Capri.

He didn't see it as wrong so it wasn't. He didn't consider it to be any type of affair so it wasn't. He didn't think it was wrong what OW did, or didn't see how wicked her behavior is, so she is good.

We as the BS have a problem with "nothing" so we're the problem. And as a spouse,he saw my faults, knews what constituted a lovebuster to him, was not able to verbalize it or even expected me to do the behavior that was the lovebuster and I'm "bad" for it.

My H didn't know the extent of my "pain" so he minimized it. H says he thought my descriptions of the pain I was in were hyperbole(because he had never been through that kind of pain)

Thank God my H is finally getting it.


BW(me)now 44
DDay 9-11-02 DDay 2: 5-16-2012
"BS's spend way too many years fixing problems that only existed in the cheating mind of their WS."
Wincing_at_light
"Sometimes the breakups hurt far less than the relationship."
Aesir

Posts: 3307 | Registered: Jul 2007
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

Thanks, Lucky.

What was his response to your sending letters? When I have sent things in the past, I get vague and unsatisfying answers, or none at all. Typical of his response is when I said something a few months ago about how I can't trust him because he lied to me and 'moved his women to his work e-mail.' He sent a one-sentence answer that he did not move his women to his work e-mail. Well, it's a fact that he moved ow1 to his work account to continue hiding her and their relationship. His response to me pointing this out was that she was a woman, singular, not women plural. He only moved ONE womAn, not women, to his work account. Notice, he never actually addressed the main point, that he had made himself untrustworthy.

So, I have largely quit sending him anything.

He fails the njf quiz based on only what I know for facts.

He didn't see it as wrong so it wasn't. He didn't consider it to be any type of affair so it wasn't. He didn't think it was wrong what OW did, or didn't see how wicked her behavior is, so she is good.

Very much so here, too. He simply doesn't consider it an affair. One of the things that really hurts, one of my several last straws last December when I finally quit sleeping with him because it left me feeling so cheap and used, was when, after years of criticizing me to ow1, he absolutely refused to say so mild a thing as that it was wrong of her to encourage a married man to lie to his wife. And yes, he has (or at least had) himself convinced I am/ was the problem to the extent that he actually got a psyche nurse at work to suggest perhaps I'm 'chemically imbalanced from being pregnant so often.' Of course. Because most women would be thrilled to death to find their husband has so many secret female friends and secret e-mail accounts.

Rant over.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
trustagain
Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, April 28th (Monday)

Capri

My WH is the same way he doesn't see what he did as wrong. He even went so far as to kiss her, but he said that it was only a short kiss - wtf???? He started to read "Not Just Friends" I don't think he ever finsihed it and he told me that it doesn't really apply to him. He said he never talked about our relationship with her. No Sh*t - b/c you didn't tell her you were even married.

Well he is in for a rude awakening b/c I told him I am done - thats it - its over. I am going to take him for everything I can - If it comes down to filing for D I will file for adultery and pull the skank into court. I have all the emails and phone records - he has no clue what he is in for.


WH - 48
BS (me) - 50
Son - 25
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4473 | Registered: Nov 2007
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Oh Capri, he thought I was "dwelling" on it to much.

Yes dear I did. He brought it in, got out of it, and I got to deal with the fall out.

So, yeah, I "dwelled".


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, April 28th (Monday)

I think the hardest part of an EA is the WS not owning up to what they did was wrong! That's about all I got out of our MC, she asked my WW some pretty straight forward questions and she knew by her answers that she'd crossed a line.

Lucky - I love your tag line "the other fruit juice" awesome!


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, April 28th (Monday)

tormentedsoul, there is a story behind that.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Lucky,
please share, inquiring minds are dying to know (at least I can get truth from you )


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Today is WH's b-day. He is at work for 24 hrs. I am so worried OW will call him. (especially since they broke NC last month.) I asked him if she has called. Of course he said no. Of course I believe everything he says so Im not worried.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

((2yrsinthedark))
hang in there, when we let our minds wander, it's the worse, because we have no proof for or against something.
I'm hoping that work keeps him busy and he's maintaining nc for both of you


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

How is everyone doing..It's been a couple of days since anyone was here. I hope that means that everything is fine and no one has had the need to find comfort in this thread...I know one of you out there is having a bad day...I can tell you that today I am feeling like a new person..everything is going well and I don't have that feeling of inpending doom (sp).I don't even feel like such a pitiful victim..I think , even though things are going well that maybe now I could do the 180...I hate that I have looked like such a pitiful wimp! Hugs to any of you who need it and I suppose in a day, week, month...I will need one from you.


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

The days I believe there really were pa's are bad for obvious reasons.

The days I believe he's actually telling the truth and there was no sex are bad in their own ways, because as long as there wasn't sex, he continues to minimize it. So it feels like this will never be resolved.

His attitude is, "I said I'm sorry, I quit doing it, what else do you want!" I tell him if I stab him a dozen times, maybe hit an artery or two, is it good enough for me to just quit doing it and say I'm sorry and then we're fine again? Or might he want me to call 911?? Maybe expect a heartfelt apology, maybe even need to hear the words multiple times, maybe need to see the grief on my face, maybe need me to visit him in the hospital and ask, "What can I do?" Somehow, yelling I SAID I'M SORRY AND I QUIT just wouldn't do it for him.

He just doesn't answer that.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
trustagain
Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

On my 4th day of not talking. I am still waiting for WH to approach me after our arguement on Sunday when I told him I am done. He tried small talk on Tuesday, I gave one word answers and haven't spoken since. He actually texted last night on his way home asking if we were going out for date night. WTF???? All I want is for him to acknowledge my feelings and acknowledge that this is not going to improve without him working on the relationship and himself. I am ready to leave in June if he doesn't.


WH - 48
BS (me) - 50
Son - 25
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4473 | Registered: Nov 2007
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)

Since your ws has had an EA, do you trust them anymore? I don't mean with the other person, I mean with anyone. I don't think my WW has had contact with the other man in 6 months, but I don't trust her with any other men that she has contact with at work, when ever a group from the office go out... I trigger big time. Anyone else experience this? will I ever learned to relax?


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

No I do not! I dont think I ever will either. He always thought he was "different" and could have all these "girlfriends." Just because he is such a good guy. He would never let things get out of hand. Funny thing is, he still thinks of himself that way.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

Do you ever get the "you don't trust me anymore!" or "you're trying to control who my friends are?" (I hate her best friend who knew about her relationship with this guy and encouraged her to pursue it). What do you say when you really don't want your WS going out with people without you?


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

OMG, I get those lines all the time. Its a very sore subject w/ him (doesnt have anything to do w/ what he did to me ). I have a hard time looking at his best friend in the eye. I cant be angry w/ him, although he didnt tell me, he tried to talk him out of it, and tried to get him to see what he had to lose. I guess if my best friend told me she was having an affair I would do the same. THe only time Im ok w/ him going out is when he is w/ that one friend. They usually go get somethng to eat and hang out at his house to play video games and stuff like that. Otherwise, I would feel just like you do tormented.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

I don't trust him at all, not in any area. He has also lied to me about finances. He sometimes stays up half the night looking at porn and lies to me about it. He buys things on e-bay and has them sent to his work so I won't find out. I know it's a complete toss-up whether or not he's just set up yet another secret e-mail account.

I was given a variation on not allowing him to have friends; I was told that poor him, he's afraid to even say hello to women he works with. Apparently, then, he's stupid, if he can't differentiate between saying hi to a co-worker in the hall, and exchanging secret e-mails with a friend, lying to me about her, plotting with her how to trick and deceive me, and telling her all his complaints about me and our marriage. Yeah, not much difference between the two, is it? Pardon me, is my sarcasm showing?


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, May 4th (Sunday)

Last night we went to dinner. We were having a good time and talking about different things. All of the sudden, he starts telling me about how his friend's girlfriend was caught cheating. He works w/ the fire dept and he told me he felt bad for him because the guys at the station tease him about it. He said he talked to him about it and tried to help him out. Now this might me a normal conversation for other people, but for us?? Not one mention about us. Im not sure what he was trying to do. I just listened and made a few comments about it, (not us) and then we changed the coversation. I think he just wants things to get back to normal. We did have a really nice time last night.

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 9:42 AM, May 4th (Sunday)]


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
ham&eggs
Member
Member # 18312
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, May 5th (Monday)

Don't they ALL just want things to be back to NORMAL...whatever THAT is.

I know in our case, Boundaries were a BIG issue. He is a people person,so modifying boundaries was HARD for him. I made it clear that if this was not done, I would be gone! I am not spending the reast of my life worrying about whether some "young thing" has a crush on my 59 yr old H.

I am a working, fit attractive 58 yr old woman who would do just fine without that drama in my life!


Posts: 58 | Registered: Feb 2008
TryingMyBest
New Member
Member # 19308
Question  Posted: 6:57 PM, May 5th (Monday)

OK...
My WW and I are reading NOT "Just Friends". We're about half way done and neither of us are getting much out of the book as the situations aren't matching up. Purely an EA. No PA. Anyne else having this problem?? Title of the book grabbed our attention, but the examples thus far all led to PA. While there are some similarities, we both wonder if we've got the right book???

The EA is over, and I think they truly are "just friends' now. We had a NC, but it's reopened so I get to see and read EVERYTHING that happens between them. Am I the best BH or the dumbest BH on the planet?


BH (me): 38
WW (her): 38
D-Day: 3/20/2008 (EA)
D-Day#2: 5/24/2013(PA)

Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2008
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, May 5th (Monday)

I feel the same way about the book Trying. As far as I know the EA didnt lead to a PA. He didnt keep the relationship hidden, it was right under my nose. He just managed to delete the IM where they said their I love yous, and had online sex, thats all. Oh, his jobs takes him away 24hrs at a time so plenty of time for them their phone calls. Of course I would see all the loooong conversations they had, but of course, "just friends." God, I feel so stupid just typing this stuff up!!


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
confusedbythis
Member
Member # 15455
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, May 5th (Monday)

Trying, Just be careful...I was you once...

That's one of the worst part of this infidelity crap...EA, PA, ONS...it doesn't matter...it's ALL dishonest, hurtful, ugly and has no place in any marriage...good, bad or indifferent.

Just don't be naive- keep your eyes and ears open...

Just saying...

cbt


BS me
WS older than me
DS- typical teen (from a previous marriage)
DD #1 1995, before we married (how stupid am I...)
DD #2 6.8.07 EA, PA
Divorced June 09...free fron CRAZY-LAND!!! Yahoo!

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: OR
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Frustrated  Posted: 8:24 PM, May 5th (Monday)

TryingMyBest
If NC has been broken already, then you're in trouble. You're allowing them to keep renewing their feelings for each other. NC means NC ever. If she can't live without him, then you need to let her know, him or you. Every conversation with him is taking intimacy away from the two of you. How you can you ever trust her again if she's still in contact. Would she mind if you started going out with your ex-girlfriend and having long intimate conversations with her? probably not. you need to protect yourself and make them break contact. There's no need for them to talk if they're not working together any more!

You're whole story makes me trigger big time of my own experiences with my WW. Until she admits there's an issue, you'll always have to worry!


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Trying, Confused and Tormented are right. NC is the only way. My WH as great at being "just friends" in front of me. He would talk to her and IM me in front of me. Little did I know that they were carrying on their affair the whole time. Please have him stop.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)

trying, once they crossed the line with inappropriate conversations and intimacy, I don't feel they should be allowed to have contact. My fwh still works with his ea partner, and I struggle with that. I couldn't allow even what you think is friendly contact...she should know that your h is off limits after they over stepped the boundaries of normal friendship and that you aren't ok with it...we all have to do what we feel we must do...I just feel like you are being to flexible. There has to be limits for me. Hope you find what works best for you.


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
TryingMyBest
New Member
Member # 19308
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)

I am the H, my W had the EA.

Venting a bit...

This sucks. So much for seeing EVERYTHING. Just found email to the OM asking for advice. I wasn't cc'ed or told about it like our agreement. Back to looking for the rest of the f*cking iceberg.

I agreed to pull back the NC for several reasons (all of which made sense at the time, all are crap now), but one reason was because I wanted to give WW opportunities to earn my trust back. I can't give it blindly (and will never be able to again), but wanted to give her opportunities...

Still waiting to see if she tells me about it, though I doubt it since she has deleted it. dejavu all over again. I've tried to be nicve and understanding through this whole ordeal, but I'm not a doormat and refuse to be walked on any longer....

I don't feel like I have anything in common with my WW anymore. The one thing I thought we had she destroyed. She says she loves me, but I hear an unspoken "...but..." everytime she says it. I don't even know if I believe it when I say it anywmore...

The more bullsh*t WW keeps pulling makes me so pissed. I'm tired of it. I feel like I'm the only one that has compromised anything in accepting back such a broken and confused WW. I deserve better than this.

We all deserve better....
Thanks for letting me vent.


BH (me): 38
WW (her): 38
D-Day: 3/20/2008 (EA)
D-Day#2: 5/24/2013(PA)

Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2008
TryingMyBest
New Member
Member # 19308
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Sorry: didn't mean to break the rules and vent in my last post...


BH (me): 38
WW (her): 38
D-Day: 3/20/2008 (EA)
D-Day#2: 5/24/2013(PA)

Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2008
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)

You have every right to vent, trying...She should earn your trust by having nc and sticking to it. make the choice of what is more important...you should win every time. No matter what is going on in your marriage you are married and she owes you the courtesy of communication and fidelity...if that is what you wanted out of marriage...I realized after dday that I had never discussed with my h what
I thought or wanted from marriage...I thought we were on the same page...I don't assume anything anymore..I verbalize it..I have discovered that the man I thought was unlike any other is just a man and they think differently or perceive things differently than women do..You decide what boundaries you feel a marriage should have and what is acceptable for you. Stand up for yourself...she will realize how committed she is if you make her ..and time makes a difference for both of you..this is such a hard journey and you have just begun..be as strong as you can..I was like you, I wanted this to work no matter what and I blamed myself for his straying...it was his choice..I didn't do that and I was in the same marriage. Keep reading here and posting. Take care of yourself and you have lots of people here who understand.


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)

She has no reason to ask advice from this man. This is also my husband's excuse for continuing and hiding his relationship with ow1-- that he was just asking advice (about me, about our marriage, etc.) It's an excuse, plain and simple.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Frustrated  Posted: 12:08 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

I think that a big reason that we have such a lack of trust for our ws is that they don't really admit they were wrong and until they do, we won't be able to trust they won't cross the boundary again with someone else. Anyone else feel this way?


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

TS, you've nailed it. I've said this to fwh over and over. If it's no big deal, why wouldn't you do it again????

I think his answer was because he now knows how much it hurt me, but come on, he says he hid her in the first place because he 'knew it would upset me.' Honestly, I was a much more loving wife THEN and he didn't care about hurting me. Why in the world would he care now?


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
trustagain
Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

I am going through the same thing. The other night WH and I were talking and he said that I make him give up all these friendships due to my inability to trust him. I once again stressed that any secret friendship is not a friendship of this marriage. I also said to him that if he doesn't want to be married and live by the vows he took then fine - leave the marriage - I will not hold him back and live like this.

He said he hasn't spoken with OW and that when I found that they were on a private forum website talking he said that was a set up (to see if I was still snooping) Well I blew my lid - he is such a liar I can't stand it.

I too asked him how do I trust that this will not happen again. He still thinks that he can be "friends" with women and he admits to crossing the line with this last one, and that would never be an issue again.

He is also great at trying to turn all of this on me - the way I raise the boys, the way I complain about his drinking, etc. I finally told him that I don't want to hear that bullshit. He did it - he got caught and he either fixes it or leaves.

I can't get it through his thick skull that the "relationship" he had with her was wrong and if I hear "we were just friends" one more time I am going to have to be admitted to the looney bin.


WH - 48
BS (me) - 50
Son - 25
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4473 | Registered: Nov 2007
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, May 9th (Friday)

If he's keeping women secret, he's giving you good reason not to trust him. He doesn't want to understand that?

I believe they DO understand it, but it's all part of the game they play, trying to convince themselves they're really not such bad guys.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
justthewife
New Member
Member # 18893
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, May 9th (Friday)

We have been in MC for 3 months now. H was doing great. I truly felt he was remorseful and always answered my every question. Even our MC thought we were doing great.....

And then the other shoe dropped! I found out my H checked out a site called "cheating ways". It was a "pop up" he says. He CHOSE to click on it and then became "curious" about a site called ashleymadison.com There he became "curious" to know who in our area might be on it. WTF!! So he filled out a profile but stopped before hitting send because "God" told him how much it would hurt me again. I have a keylogger program on his computer - so I aready knew!!!! I waited for him to come to me but he never did.

Once I confronted him with the evidence, he had the nerve to be mad at me for not applauding that he CHOSE not to complete the application and send it. I am so hurt. We are back to square 1.

My MC's (husband/wife team) plan to confront him this Tuesday. They say I have every right to feel betrayed. He never should have clicked on the "pop up" in the first place. That was the RED LIGHT. He CHOSE to do it - and for what???


BS - 48
WS - 50
D Day - Feb 12 2008
Watch your thoughts; they become words
Watch your words; they become actions
Watch you actions; they become habits
Watch your habits; they become character
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Indiana
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, May 10th (Saturday)

Expecting praise for not going further?? How typical is that?? You didnt tell him about the keylogger, did you?? Just continue monitoring, Im so sorry.
I wonder how he would feel if you just got into that web site, cuz you were curious?

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 8:42 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Been kind of quiet here for a while...hope all of you are coping well. I seem to be today. I actually am starting to feel sorry for my h. today. I think he is having nc with ow1, 2, or 3...He sees and comprehends some of what this has done to me...I don't think he can fully understand, who can if they haven't experienced it? I asked him the other night if he could put himself in my place and be so totally and completely blindsided by this situation, could he trust me after he thought everything was ok and then to find that I was emotionally involved with 3 other men and shared with them things that I won't share with him? I don't think even saying that, could he understand...one, because somehow his love for me has diminished and it wouldn't be as hurtful...I think he has been dissatisfied with our marriage , but I don't know if that was to excuse his betrayal or before..What do you all think? Does this just happen so easily and leave this much damage....do they convince themselves that their relationships are broken so they are searching for something else. I have mentioned before that my h was never an outgoing guy and had in the last 2 years lost over 100 lbs. All of his ow relationships started then also. Maybe they showed a little attention and he was so ready to flex his new esteem that he just fell on the slippery slope. I do this all day..try to figure it out...he still won't tell me any details or why to my satisfaction..maybe he won't ever. Come on ea survivors, tell me that our relationships can recover...tell me that they really love us ..they just made a mistake. I wish I knew the answers, I need to know the answers...does he really want to be here? should I want him too? I feel so drained all the time and he is starting to look worn too. Can this be good?


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
TurnipTruck
Member
Member # 19475
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

My WW insists that EA's are something that I made up. She says its only an affair if you sleep with someone. She wont read anything I have given her about EA's.

I pointed out that no married person spend the night at a "friends" house every other weekend. Especially if that "Friend" is of the opposite sex. Her friend called here at least 10 to 15 times a day. He even threatened to confront me when I told him to get a life. Of course I said I'll do you one better and meet you on your porch. So she accepted a cell phone from her "Friend" thinking that was OK. He called her 15 times a day on the cell. I went to go to bed one night and found her propped up on the bed talking to him at 12:30 pm. I grabbed the phone and hung up, he called back and insisted to talk to her on HIS phone. I said I'll be more than happy to personally deliver his phone to him but he declined.

I told her that this is not healthy, it needs to stop or she needs to leave. She stayed for about 3 weeks. For about a month after that she came and went here at the house as if she never left. I told her that doesnt fly either. If Im not home then you dont enter.

Now she says she still loves me but that is just a line of BS. Each time I try to talk to her about our situation she is busy or says we'll do it later. Today I had to run to her place to pick up something so I made arrangements with the neighbor to keep an eye on our son so I could make the run. I arrived at the door as I said I would and she asked why I was there. I said well I told you earlier (I called her a half hour before I left work) that I needed to pick up his medication as he had forgotten it. I told her I had some time to talk since the neighbor was watching him. You should have seen the look on her face!! Talk!! NOW!! Oh I dont have time, I have to run an errand before work. I said you have 3 hours before you have to be at work and nobody I know runs errands in their night shirt. Well well well..I said fine just give me the meds, I'm leaving I guess you'll just have to talk to my attorney. Suddenly she was all talk, I said thats OK you have errands to run and left.

After all, EA's are just something I made up you know!!


ME 48
WW 42
DS 12
Together 17 years
DDay 12/06
Separated 11/07
OM...55yo
It must be love, he aint got anything else to his name.

Posts: 481 | Registered: May 2008 | From: USA
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 2:59 AM, May 15th (Thursday)

reallylost
Come on ea survivors, tell me that our relationships can recover...tell me that they really love us ..they just made a mistake. I wish I knew the answers, I need to know the answers...does he really want to be here? should I want him too? I feel so drained all the time and he is starting to look worn too. Can this be good?

I think they can recover, as I've said before, the EA is kind of the elephant in the room we just don't talk about. We're getting along and do things together all the time. Either it's working out or she's really gone deep under ground. I'm hoping for the former and prepared for the later. Wish I could tell you more, time will tell!


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 2:59 AM, May 15th (Thursday)

some how a double posted.. sorry

[This message edited by tormentedsoul at 3:00 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Angry  Posted: 3:07 AM, May 15th (Thursday)

TurnipTruck,
You should have seen the look on her face!! Talk!! NOW!! Oh I dont have time, I have to run an errand before work. I said you have 3 hours before you have to be at work and nobody I know runs errands in their night shirt.

I was expecting you to tell us that the guy was there. which is why she was in her night shirt and why she didn't want to talk.
my advice, start looking for a MC and find one that knows and understands EA's.. only after you've found one that fits that bill (you should go see them on your own first) then tell your WW that it's either divorce or we go to MC and start working on patching things up!

And before I forget, the guy sounds like a piece of work, he knew you disapproved and had the gall to call up and demand to talk to your wife... wouldn't you just love to play against him in a "friendly" hockey game and crush him against the boards a few times?

If your WW has left the house and you have nothing in writing, it can be considered abandonment of the family and you should be able to get full custody, the house, etc!

Good luck and hang in there


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
TurnipTruck
Member
Member # 19475
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, May 15th (Thursday)

Tormented:

I have been playing this game for a year..I have come to expect it and more. As far as the POS OM goes he's all talk. I got the whole skinny on this guy and hes a real shit bag. He is however a good manipulator and my WW is very impulsive.

I have given her 3 options two of which involve ending our marriage and one (counseling) that gives us an opportunity to give it the old college try. To date she has avoided any discussion about either option. As far as I go, essentially I have been "without" for over a year. I admit there are times when I think I gotta have it or I'll explode but...in the end nothing has fallen off and I remain faithful. However, recently I have increased the pressure to make a decision as I am not willing to let this drag on any further. Its getting old and I am getting bored with it.

Yes, in my mind, I would like 5 minutes alone with this fool. His mouth writes checks his feeble ass cant cover. But nothing will come of it but me in jail and then she gets the kid...Nope aint gunna happen..

However, if ever he happens to show his face and run his mouth, then all bets are off.

I may just drop the gloves, yank the jersey over his head ,and show him my best Bob Probert impersonation.


ME 48
WW 42
DS 12
Together 17 years
DDay 12/06
Separated 11/07
OM...55yo
It must be love, he aint got anything else to his name.

Posts: 481 | Registered: May 2008 | From: USA
ThatGhostIsMe
Member
Member # 19544
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, May 16th (Friday)

I guess I'm in this club too. I'm not really happy about it, though.

I'm not ready to talk much about it - D-day was in January & I thought I was doing much better but there are some nagging doubts I just can't let go of. I feel like every time I talk to WH about it I end up with more questions, not fewer. I feel like I'm dragging the truth out of him, piece by piece, and that makes me feel like he's picking & choosing what to tell. I *almost* believe him that it was never a PA - she lives in another state & they met on a business trip, and supposedly he didn't develop feelings for her until after he returned home - but there's always that doubt. And it makes me doubt everything he's ever told me - things that I thought I could take for granted.

Anyway, I'm really glad I found this site. Even though I'm not really feeling comfortable venting my spleen just yet, reading other people's experiences & the advice & support given them helps a lot.



D-day 01/08/08
EA - "just friends" my aunt fanny...
working on R

Posts: 202 | Registered: May 2008 | From: NY
cantwigglemytoes
New Member
Member # 18789
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 16th (Friday)

I am virtually positive that the EA was also a PA. WH will NEVER admit it and it is a HUGE road block for reconciliation. He is scared I will leave and no matter how much evidence I have or how much the stories dont add up, he will not confess.

I am stuck! How do you rebuild trust when WH is still lying?!


Posts: 4 | Registered: Mar 2008
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

I can so relate to all of you. WH denies everything that I know in my gut is true. He either denies or doesnt say, it drives me crazy.
I am also writing because I need your thoughts on this. Im a bit embarrassed so bare w/ me. I was feeling a bit playful, i guess is the word, today. I sent WH a sexy text. His response was less than romantic lets just say. I didnt do this to test him in any way or for any reason but to have some fun. Well now Im all upset. All that came to mind is that he didnt have any problems sending her sexy texts or having online sex! Neither one of us meant to start anything, but I cant help but feel rejected. Will these feelings and triggers ever stop??


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
trustagain
Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 19th (Monday)

2yrs - I feel the same way - he could text OW hundreds of times over a one month period - and I get one word replies.

I smack myself for even trying to text him or ask anything of him.

This morning I texted him something sexy and I got "sure" in return.

Like you know I am disappointed and hurt.

I think it all comes back to my feelings that he should be kissing my arse for what he did and he has just moved on.

arghhhhhh


WH - 48
BS (me) - 50
Son - 25
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4473 | Registered: Nov 2007
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Content  Posted: 12:39 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

So the other night we're at dinner and my daughter made a joke about my trustworthiness and that my wife was more trustworthy than I. I said "you really think so?" and my wife spouted in... there's no one more trustworthy than your dad... I think we're making progress


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
jolene
Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)

Hey, I didn't know they'd started an EA thread! Yay!

My WH was involved in an EA for several months with a former coworker. I don't know if it ever got physical, but he sure as hell lied to me about her, and many, many times. This was a double betrayal as well since I counted this ho as a friend.

Some instances of her stepping over the lines of friendship-- when WH and I started MC, she offered nicely to ATTEND A SESSION to tell the MC what was going on between her and my husband! I nearly died when she told me that.

Another sweet gesture on her part: she'd make a list of "eveverything he doesn't like about you," so we could work on that! How nice!

I know he went waaaay over the line in the things he said about me, about our sex life, about everything. I think he created this whole fantasy around this woman, who let him take the place of her husband who was out of the country working. They're quite the pair.

I was all about getting this 3rd wheel out of my marriage. But WH could not see that she was in the way. He would not give her up, even though he repeated over and over that she was just a friend.

Long story short, she moved out of the country to join her BH about a month go, around the time I filed for divorce. Filing got Wh's attention, and OW's too. OW's husband is a total wimp, he doesn't seem to know what to think about my WH's relationship with his WW. So there is no pressure there on her side.

Right now my WH is kicking himself for having lost it all for a "friend". He is making R noises at me, but I know he's still in touch with her. And he knows that going NC with her is the only way he'll ever get even a millimeter near Ring with me.

As for her, my former friend? For me she no longer exists. She is married, she isn't stupid, and I told her several times to drop dead and get out of the way. She always played it like I was the problem, I was forcing my WH to go towards her. Only once did she ever say she was sorry for her actions, but then Wh lied to me again about seeing her one last time, so I sort of hate them both.

They sooooo deserve each other. This EA thing, the constant lying, man, it has killed any respect I ever had for my WH. I like to think that if WH had truly fallen in lurve, I could maybe swallow it. But to throw it all away like that for someone who isn't even here anymore? He's a moron.


Divorced 10/2013! Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
Listeningclosely
Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)

Making my first venture into ICR-land. Nearly one year since D-Day and NC established, I guess it's about time I opened myself up in here.

For those that are looking for hope, I can offer some. Through the powerful support of my BW, I have escaped the darkness of my EA and feel our M building strength every day. As a FWH, I am happier and happier with our M and where I am right now in life.


BW(her)- 47, FWH (me) 49
4 month Online EA
M 25 years, together for 29
4 Daughters - 22, 19, 15 and 13
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4489 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)

Do your WSs ever talk about A if you dont bring it up. My WH will not touch the subject if I dont. I have told him several times that when he sees me upset or when he just knows Im thinking about it, he needs to come to me, hug me, tell me he is sorry. The other day I saw a name on his calender on OW birthday. I asked him, and he says he just didnt know what it meant. I left it at that, but it sure as hell bothered me and he knew it!! But he didnt say a word. It took about a day and I finally blew. I told him how I felt, but he doesnt seem to understand the constant reassurance I need. Its all so frustrating.

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 8:10 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
hopefulnz
Member
Member # 16942
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)

Hi 2yrs.
My FWH is the same. He refuses to talk about it. He has trouble talking about it when I bring it up.

I've tried to explain to him that I need constant reassurance that I am not making a huge mistake Ring with him. He just doesn't seem to get it!

It's taken 20 years for him to remember the date of my birthday but he knows hers.

What bothers me most is the blame shifting he did. Some was valid & there have been things that I am working on as far as how I communicate but I don't see him doing the same.

He told me his biggest high was from the fact that she "listened" to him. Hello - I can I listen to you when you refuse to talk?


Me - BS (43)
Him - FWH (52)
Married 17 years - together 20 years
D Day #1 - March 07
D Day #2 - April 07
A year of false R
Final D Day - March 08
2 Children 15,13
Reconciling

Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New Zealand
Listeningclosely
Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 30th (Friday)

2yrs -

Do your WSs ever talk about A if you dont bring it up.

I don't tend to bring it up proactively, because I have kept my full focus on the work I have had to do to repair our M and help Wells feel better about our future.

With that said, I don't deflect if she brings up an issue. Any question she asks, I answer openly and honestly.

She also, though, keeps things to herself that I am not aware of. For example, she admitted to me the other day that she has been monitoring xMOW's posts on the site I met her on over the last few weeks to see if she mentioned me at all. My b-day was the 19th, and she was curious if it would spark any posts from xMOW about it (it didn't, btw). I had no idea that she was still monitoring xMOW's activity. It doesn't bother me that she does, there's no risk on my side as I have been done with her since almost a year ago. But as a WS, I can't help her through things if she isn't letting me know what she is looking at.

I applaud your efforts to try to involve your WS by calling out your concerns like the b-day issue. Keep at it - hopefully your WH will start to open up more.


BW(her)- 47, FWH (me) 49
4 month Online EA
M 25 years, together for 29
4 Daughters - 22, 19, 15 and 13
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4489 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
dayatatime
Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

We are doing well in R - transparency, NC, remorse, etc. Now that my wounds have had some time to heal I actually feel sorry for WH sometimes.

See, when he got involved with OW he stopped having sex with me, withdrew emotionally... he focused as much of his energy as he could on her. He lost a ton of weight - couldn't eat presumably because he was so tortured by luuuvvv.

After D-day a simple Google search for her found that she had been chatting/flirting etc. with a TON of men during the whole A. This was in addition to her boyfriend, whom she was still dating and sleeping with...

WH, during his fog, told me she was better/prettier/smarter/younger/nicer than me and that I deserved to be cheated on. (He later recanted the whole thing and feels horrible about being so addicted.)

The more I think about it the sadder I get for HIM that he could pour his entire heart and soul into some serial OW whose goal was to collect as many men as she could without her boyfriend's knowledge. Meanwhile, WH was pining away, sucking dry his M, losing weight and in luuvvvv.

So sad!

BS 47
WH 49
son 7
Dday 9/25/07

[This message edited by dayatatime at 6:53 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]


BS 55
WH 57
son 16
SA for 40+ years

Posts: 798 | Registered: Nov 2007
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

dayatatime,
don't feel to sorry for him. He got himself into the misery he's in


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, June 9th (Monday)

I was wondering if your WHs acted differently towards you during the A. I was clueless, he was always telling me he loved me, very affectionate, and sex was great. Although I wonder now how many times we had sex after he just had online sex or phone sex w/ her. Him wishing I was her. Kinda scares me how easy it was all to him. The night I found out, he was at work, he even sent me a text telling me good night and that he loved me. I just about threw the phone across the room. Funny, I have mixed emotions about those texts he sends me now. I like him to send them to me, yet to many times it reminds me. Sorry, just feeling a bit sad tonight, just kinda ranting here. Hope everyone has a good night.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Frustrated  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)

2yrsinthedark,
Isn't it amazing how they can pretend it never happened and just pick up like nothing ever happened?
Hang in there!


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)

FWH will not talk about it if he can help it. I guess to be fair, he'll now stay and talk, he'll even stay on the phone when he's at work when I've had a couple of horrible nights and called and started in on him. But questions specifically about any of the ow... he YELLS. He's made it clear it's none of my business. As a result, I've finally quit asking, and I've quit giving myself to someone who thinks that the other women in his life are none of his wife's business.

And no, he won't bring it up. We have not slept together in six months, and it's not important enough yet for him to bring up. So I think that tells me all I need to know. They are his little secret and there is absolutely nothing in the world, not me, not our marriage, not even sex, that outweights keeping it that way.

It's hard to answer whether his behavior towards me was different, since his lt ea with #1 started shortly before or during our separation, and continued for 13 years without me knowing. I thought our problems were due to the in-law issues that led to the separation.

For the same reason, I wouldn't have necessarily noticed anything different during the years of coffee dates with #2. He always tended to be very careless with punctuality anyway.

During the approximately 6-9 months that he was trading the warm-fuzzy forwards with #3, he did quit having sex, and insists it was because he was getting ED. But it's funny that about the time he finally told her to quit the e-mails, he had an amazing miracle healing. He was all over me on a regular basis. And when I pointed this out, he told me there was no difference! So apparently I'm so stupid that I can't tell the difference between going to bed alone every night, distressed that my husband shows no interest even when I go down to talk to him in a slinky negligee... and having the Italian Stallion on Viagara wearing me out. Nope... no difference at all.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)

((capri))

sounds like you've become roommates with your WH and that you two aren't establishing a healthy relationship and moving ahead with R... I hope I'm wrong. I guess it'll be hard to move forward if he won't admit that he was wrong and has to work on his boundary issues
hang in there!


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)

Yes, TS, we are living like roommates. No, we are not establishing a healthy relationship or moving ahead with R, and I'm through trying.

I just deleted the long list but I have done everything I can, and he can't so much as crack a book. He quit IC and wasn't dealing with his lying and ow there anyway, he refused to finish the Retrouvaille post sessions (because I felt hopeless that he was still e-mailing ow3 at the time, and I didn't even know he was also in contact still with ow1). He lied to two mc. He's still minimizing all of this. He's still not telling me a story that really makes sense. He's not being transparent. He won't answer my questions about these ow without yelling and getting angry. ETC. He still wants to convince himself that if he's just really nice we can just shove all of this under the rug and pretend we have a Fairy Tale Marriage.

One thing I've finally learned is that I can't make a good relationship all by myself. He doesn't want to do his part.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, June 14th (Saturday)

I have checked everywhere making sure WH doesnt have a secret email account and I havent found one. But I know he must have one at work and my gut is screaming at me. I havnt asked him about it, I dont know I guess Im scared of what I might find out. Do any of you have a feeling about what your WS might be doing at work.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, June 14th (Saturday)

I have checked everywhere making sure WH doesnt have a secret email account and I havent found one. But I know he must have one at work and my gut is screaming at me. I havnt asked him about it, I dont know I guess Im scared of what I might find out. Do any of you have a feeling about what your WS might be doing at work.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 15th (Sunday)

2yrs, I have the same feeling. In fact, I have known all along that he continue to use his work account for personal mail he didn't want me to see. For awhile, that included swearing to me and mc1 that he was an open book (he'd even given me his personal email pw) while still talking with ow1 via his work account. When I gave him an ultimatum almost two years ago, he came home two days later and said he'd sent her NC e-mail. Who's to say?

The internet being what it is, I know he can do anything he wants from work, and I can't possibly find every secret e-mail account he or his 'friends' decide to set up to fool me.

I already know that he has received other, 'harmless' personal e-mail at his work account all along. And I know he doesn't want me anywhere near it, despite mc1 telling him in no uncertain terms that he MUST be transparent and MUST let me show up at work and look at this account any time I wanted. Failing that, he told him he MUST forward all personal e-mail from his work account to me, which he promised to do, and future events proved he never intended to keep that promise, not even as he was saying the words.

I don't bother asking him, because he has repeatedly shown himself to have no credibility.

Mostly at this point, I just pity him because he's thrown away a wife who loved him deeply, he's thrown away his chance for a wonderful and loving marriage. And the kicker is, the more he withholds the the truth, I keep looking for it, and bit by bit what I'm finding out is that he threw it away for women who didn't even think that much of him even at the height of their 'friendships.' Poor fool.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, June 16th (Monday)

Hi everyone~

I think that this is the only way my WH can *relate* to others...online lust which lead to fantasy EA's.

He's on that perpetual quest of finding that Perfect Person, man or woman.
(And, he gets jaded very quickly!).

He lives in his head.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25578 | Registered: Sep 2005
thejo
Member
Member # 17887
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

My H has been in an EA for 2 1/2 years. He left me once for her. I took him back and it started up 2 mo after and has been going on ever since. He is now leaving this weekend and of course is blaming me for everything. It just amazes me how they can turn it all around onto us. I caught him 3 mos after he got back and he asked me to leave it alone and it would end. one mo later it had excalated to daily. Now the last time I saw the bill it was 5 to 6 times daily. He now still blames me for not leaving it alone. I am guessing because I am making him leave before he is ready to leave this time.
thejo


Me 50
WS 50
Children 3

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jan 2008
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)

thejo
sounds like he's fence sitting.. good idea to push him off... it'll force him to make up his mind about what he really wants... you should have kicked him out long ago


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
thejo
Member
Member # 17887
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)

Yes, I should have kicked him out long ago. I know I wasn't strong enough and that may have cost us our marriage. I have a question for the EAs out there. I wonder how many have actually left for the EA and stayed with that person. Any numbers available out there?
thejo


Me 50
WS 50
Children 3

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jan 2008
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)

Mine did not..although I wonder if I hadn't broken up the party by finding out..what might have happened...I think about that all the time. I think because ea's are so fantasy like that they think they could actually leave and justify whatever they feel is the reason they are doing it. EA's are so unreal in their foundation..I would bet that not many would make it ..But, I also wonder if they ever really get over them unless they go PA and see the reality is not as good ....that is so hurtful to think that my h is maybe resentful of me because I stopped his fantasy habit.


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 21st (Saturday)

Mind didnt either Thejo, but from what I read (the IM I found), sure sounded like he wanted to. It still haunts me. Although he says its me he wants, I wonder. Is he w/ me because their is no other way. Is he "stuck" w/ me financially &/or for the kids, his job?? (he is close to retirement and she lives 600 miles away). Does it all suck or what??


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

He told me his biggest high was from the fact that she "listened" to him. Hello - I can I listen to you when you refuse to talk?

Uh, yeah. I pointed out to fwh recently the idiocy of spending our prime 'private' time of day with ow2... complaining that I wasn't giving him enough. To paraphrase... hello? How can I provide you with a great sex life when you're out, whereabouts unknown to me, with another woman????

2yrs, I feel the same way. He says he wants to be with me, as evidenced by moving across the country for me, by breaking it off with them when I asked (well, not exactly when I asked, more like after several months of lying and repeatedly getting caught...). Somehow, I just don't feel that he could possibly want to be with me. How can you lie and sneak behind someone's back and criticize them to another woman for years on end, and actually WANT to be with a person you see worthy of that sort of treatment??? I do wonder if ow1 just wasn't interested in him that way. He's said that ow3 moved on to newer and more interesting employees at work, so, yes, it does leave me wondering exactly what would have happened if she'd remained interested in him.

Their lies just undermine everything.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)

I think some of these op are serial ea offenders. Like my situation, ow has some special relationship with one of the men in the office at all times...and for a period of time maybe more than one...I think once she has them though some of the excitement wears off. It's a game and I lost. I think she feels that she can switch men like game pieces and I would like mine to be out of the game. He has to work there right now...I even had him call her today...found we had a problem with our health insurance and guess who takes care of that? I hated to do it but I had serious problems with policy saying it wasn't paid...I really would like to kick her a**! He tries to stay out of the office but her position causes him to have to have contact sometimes. I think I am going to start monitoring email if I can.


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
anniegirl1
Member
Member # 19988
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

I found out a month ago about an EA that my husband was having over the phone with someone.(she was having a fling with his buddy several yrs ago,& called him to check on him. Oh & she's married too with kids the same age as ours). They were according to cell records talking 2-3x a mnth since Sept. 1st they both denied then he fessed up but said it was only to talk to get a womans perspective on our rut we were in. We then starting paying attention to each other & trying to have a better relationship & we were. But I still felt things didn't add up.After finding an old cell phone.. he had hidden her # under a buddy's name. I asked him about it,since it had been a year since we switched phones & he said that they had been talking that long but knew that I wouldn't understand if she was a friend.(I've never met her)They didn't talk a lot but they talked that long.After talking more found out that she had stopped by his work for a couple of x"s only for a few mins. He said it was maybe 3x"s when playing bingo near there and Was sorry if he hurt me but then said it was because he felt I was lazy(Im stay @ home mom,part time clown,clean for an elderly woman 1x a week&volunteer @ daughters school.)& he was working all the time & I DO KNOW that he was.I see how he probably felt overwhelmed but I just can't see where it is ok for the "friendship" they had(they haven't talked since.Think she's afraid I would tell).He said he would never let anything happen & it never did but we know that she would. I do kinda believe that it was just venting a couple a x's a mnth for him but he lied & that is not him, he's normally honest to a fault.How much really happened I'll never know.I just feel like I get all the crap & she gets away scott free with the husband not knowing. Am I wrong for wanting to tell.I FEEL SOOOO STUPID! Sorry for rambling(noone to talk to)


Me-BS 45 2nd M,
Him-WH 39 CITY DICK 1st M 2+yr.EA/PPA
1st WS Slept with
all of NORfOLK VA
Thank GOD in Live in
Virginia Beach :-}



Posts: 385 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Virginia Beach
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

annie, sorry you are here, but welcome. It is totally up to you whether you want to tell her husband. You wouldnt be wrong and Im sure he would want to know. I know if OW in my case had a husband, I sure as hell would have told him. Thats my opinion, but everyone's situation is different, its up to you.
How are you doing?


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
anniegirl1
Member
Member # 19988
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Hi 2yrsinthedark,thanks for asking.Been along day just trying to be strong (the 180)& not let what he said last night get to me as much.WH just left for work but before he did he had to make me feel like I can't handle anything with out his imput. Daughter is at camp gets out Sat. but sister said that she can stay a few days with her if I wanted(to give us time together)& my sis could visit with her. H text me last night from work to say he taken off next week so we can go get her.I said great & that I'm sure that it's good & would call my sis today.Got busy doing housework & waiting for 9pm(free min)but I let it get too late & decided to call tomorrow. He blew up saying that he just can't take off anytime & he had already taken the days & I told him I needed to make sure that it's alright, & I just can't take things for granted. That I always "fly by the seat of my pants"....Well,I knew that he had taken off & couldn't change-Do not want him to-didn't ask him to. My sis had already said that it was ok. I was just going to call & confirm.But we had talked extensively about everything. I think that he is really upset because I talked to him today but that was it. I didn't act all lovey & swoon over him.I know that we up to yesterday were actively R & being more attentive to each other-that's why he had a friend,to listen & pay attention-but after finding how long it was and what he said to me yesterday,I'm still hurt.I didn't act it to him but I HURT!! He has a hard time apologizing for anything but tries to show he's sorry,but he was hurtful blaming me & if playing to his ego is what he needs not to throw fits, I don't know whether I want another baby. Sorry for ranting but...I feel sooo ALONE right now...


Me-BS 45 2nd M,
Him-WH 39 CITY DICK 1st M 2+yr.EA/PPA
1st WS Slept with
all of NORfOLK VA
Thank GOD in Live in
Virginia Beach :-}



Posts: 385 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Virginia Beach
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)

Dont feel alone, we are all here for you. Sounds like he is still kinda foggy. The book "not just friends" might help explain things to him. Do you think you can get him to read it?


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 4th (Friday)

Hi there, we have been pretty quiet lately.
Anyway, I needed some opinions and/or advice. Everytime a holiday or WH b-day passes I all sorts of stuff comes to mind. On fathers day I asked him, "what if she tries to call you?" His response was, " she didnt call me for my bday why would she call now." He sounded annoyed. I didnt make a big stink about it, I just let it go, but its bugging me to death. He didnt say, I would ignore the call, I would tell her not to call or anything like that. I asked him if he would answer the phone, he said no, but I know thats a lie. I know in my gut if she calls w/ her problems or just to say "hi" he will talk to her, I just know it. In Feb. when he broke NC, he said they decided never to talk again. But he never told her that he didnt love her, that he loved me or anything like that. I asked him to write her a NC letter and he never did. I just dont feel any kind of closure I guess. Here I am approaching 1 yr anniversary and still feeling paranoid.
FYI, he isnt doing anything to make me feel this way. As far as I can tell he is staying w/in the bounderies, but I guess his answer the to phone call question has stayed w/ me.
Anyone feeling this way?


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
SoSleepless
Member
Member # 19922
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, July 5th (Saturday)

The EA. most therapists dont even seem to know or understand what this is. and its as devastating as a PA.

'just friends' my ass


Two half people only make one whole one and it takes two whole people to make a relationship work

going to church doesnt make you a christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car


Posts: 114 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: UK
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

Where are my fellow EAers. Miss the conversations here.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

me too!!! Where is everyone? I keep checking and nothing here..I really need to hear from all of you to not feel so alone and crazy..Come out!
Almost 7 months out and still struggling with fwh thinking I should not want to talk about it or know what he discussed with these women ...he had long conversations and emails with them..I haven't seen email account since dday..just recently quit checking cell phone records...he still works with one of these....the one I feel he was the most attached to. Will I ever get over this?


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

I belong here. Hello to everyone. I'd been looking for this topic, but I guess I'd lost it in the shuffle.

My XH had an online EA throughout our entire relationship (pre-marriage and after), and managed to pretty much hide it from me over a period of 5 years. As you can imagine, I'm struggling with this. I didn't have a place like SI when it originally happened, and during the years I've been so busy trying to get my life back into order that I haven't had time to grieve. I'm doing that now. It's very hard. I sometimes feel like I'm going crazy.

It doesn't help that an EA is treated "differently" than a PA. A lot of people tell me that "cybersex isn't cheating", that an EA "isn't as devastating" as a PA - the hell it's not. My XH was sharing intimacies with another woman - things that he should have shared with me!

I'm flip-flopping right now between extreme sadness and anger. I really do feel like I'm going mad.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. Thanks for listening to me.


BS (me):43 WS (him):41
Married 3 years, together 5
D-Day 2/10/16, 5-month EA, one kiss. Busted AGAIN 2/20/16
1 9-month old daughter... my miracle
2-time "veteran" :( XH1, 2001 (divorced 2007)
In limbo. Completely confused.

Posts: 722 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

Welcome Fireball,

I feel the same way sometimes...that ea's aren't treated the same as pa's...I can't fathom hurting anymore than I have experienced..the betrayal and feeling that intimate thoughts and discussions maybe about me and my children happened..
I am so glad that you have si now to help you through what I have found to be a long journey...


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
LearnToLetGo
Member
Member # 19900
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, July 14th (Monday)

Welcome, Fireball, and hi everyone. FB, you and I have very similar stories, as far as the cybersex and EA goes. I didn't meet FWH online, but I knew he played a couple of online games, and I was cool with that... until I discovered the private roleplaying he and WOW were doing on the side... and her protestations of eternal love (literally - she thought they were reincarnated, fated star-crossed lovers).

He refused to even consider the fact that what he'd been doing was an affair, for ages. And I wasn't even entirely sure myself, at first, 'cause like you said, it's supposedly 'not really' an affair if there's no real life sex... yeah. Sure.

My only major regret is that I was never able to find contact information for WOW's BH. It's far too late now, but I'll always wish I'd been able to alert him to what his cyberslut of a wife was doing to him.


Me - 30s
FWH/OM to WOW - 40s
Wannabe Other Woman - my mother's age.
DDay - 2002

Reconciled.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Canada
lemony.2008
Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, July 14th (Monday)

Both my WH and my ICs (different people) basically dismissed EAs as a form of infidelities. His IC (male) basically said they were just fantasies and my IC (female) said they weren't "real" affairs because my WH didn't sleep with them. Needless to say, we have changed ICs.

[This message edited by lemony.2008 at 7:37 AM, July 14th (Monday)]


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

Lemony, I think that belief comes from people who are afraid to admit the truth...they themselves have had those feelings perhaps and have given themselves permission to do so ...because it isn't really a betrayal...Bulls***..We know the pain and devastation of this betrayal and it can never get better if they don't admit to the person they have hurt that it was just that and WRONG! That is why I was afraid to go to counseling. I hope you can find some way to get you ws to realize or come out of the fog and own it!


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
ThatGhostIsMe
Member
Member # 19544
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

A lot of people tell me that "cybersex isn't cheating", that an EA "isn't as devastating" as a PA - the hell it's not. My XH was sharing intimacies with another woman - things that he should have shared with me!

Exactly, Fireball.

I've always said that I would be far more devastated to find that my H had become emotionally involved with another woman than I would to find that he'd had sex with another woman. Now, I can't say for sure that it's so, since my H's A was strictly an EA, but I can say that since D-day I've done a lot of thinking about "possibilities" - so that if something else came out later I'd have already explored my feelings about it - and I honestly don't think I'd care if my H said he'd had sex with someone else in the past at this point.

When we were talking after D-day, I reminded him about what I'd said in the past & said, "You went there." I told him I wished he'd just screwed her when they were out of town on business together, because it wouldn't have made it hurt any more than it already does.


D-day 01/08/08
EA - "just friends" my aunt fanny...
working on R

Posts: 202 | Registered: May 2008 | From: NY
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

AMEN!TO THE CHOIR.


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

SoSleepless, I agree that too few therapists understand ea. Our 2nd mc had the gall to tell me that I had no reason to be upset about co-workers unwinding and having a cup of coffee together after work. He decided the real problem was my 'anger.'

Of course, fwh didn't tell the mc the whole truth (I only found out later, too), that they weren't co-workers, that he was driving to her work. But the mc wasn't interested in the facts that these coffee dates went on for probably at least 2 years, quite regularly (2-4 times per month), that they were discussing very personal things, that fwh was lying to me for years about where he was, or even the facts that fwh was buying this woman coffee for years when he never once took me out on a date that whole time.

Sorry, but if it looks like a date, and quacks like a date, so to speak, it's a date. My so-called husband was dating another woman for at least two years, and a marriage counselor says no problem! UNBELIEVABLE!

Ghost, I feel the same. I think it would hurt far less to find out he'd slept with her when we were separated. But in my situation, I truly feel that even now, he was and is, emotionally speaking, married to ow1, not to me. He has said many horrible things to me and about me to other people. Even now, he won't say a word against #1. Not a word! He can't even bring himself to say that maybe all those hang-up calls right after the nc e-mail were her. Even now, she knows plenty about me that was none of her business, but he yells if I ask about her. Even now, I live with the fact that he moved her to his work e-mail 'to protect her' from me. Never once has he protected me from her or anyone else.

lemony, I think it's really sad that these counselors, and many other people, discount the damage an EA does. For instance, regardless of what you call it, every time fwh and I had an issue, he would never give an inch, but treat me like I was some horrible person for wanting whatever I wanted from him or the marriage (really ridiculous things, like to know where our money went, or to know that his family would behave when they visited ). I now understand that every single argument or disagreement we had was him and her against me. He'd go to her and she'd assure him (based on hearing half the story, of course, and not having to pay off his credit cards herself) that he was a great guy and I was in the wrong, and he'd come home bolstered, and we'd continue in the same pattern. To have three people in a marriage, to have two people working against one of the spouses, to have lies in a marriage-- those things are damaging regardless of whether they ever slept together. In fact, they're probably far more damagin than a one night stand.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

Hi everyone. I need your opinion on something. Before dday, my wh had many "girlfriends" that he would talk to and IM w/ all the time. I knew about them, and many times I would be in the room while he was chatting w/ them. I always hated it, but everytime I mentioned it he would get angry and make me feel like the bad guy for not trusting him. He said he just got along better w/ women.
From what I can figure. he needed some kind of validation and attention from them. I insisted that it was taking away from his me and his family but he didnt care. He would spend hours chatting w/ them. I even told him that it could lead to "crossing the line," again he insisted it wouldnt. All this time he had already fallen for one of them and had phone sex w/ her. Yet he insisted nothing was wrong. I "think" I believe that his affair was w/ only one of them, although he did have online sex w/ one he had just met. Anyway, Im wondering if you all think that although nothing sexual went on w/ the others, and mainly they just joked around and had casual conversations w/ the others, are these considered EAs too? Was he really cheating on me w/ all of them right under my nose. He would talk the the OW in front of me too, but I just didnt know about all the secret conversations that went on between them. I believe she was the only one because they poured their hearts out to each other, called each other ther soul mates, and so on. But now I feel like such a fool for letting it go on for so long. Although I know he resents me for it, he has pretty much ended these friendships. I am afraid though, that he thinks its temporary.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, July 18th (Friday)

Hi, 2yrs.

Honestly, my opinion is this - even if he didn't "go that far" with all of the other women he spoke to, the seeds were there for things to get started, you know what I mean? Even if it hadn't been the OW, it would have been someone else, at least that's what I honestly believe in my case. He just felt 'entitled' to that behavior and wasn't going to stop for me or for anyone else.

At the very least, it was definitely inappropriate conversation. Some people don't consider typed descriptions of sex cheating - I do. If he really wanted to do those things, he could have written you... his wife... a hot love letter. Instead he chose to take it elsewhere. That's inappropriate behavior.
Most definitely.


BS (me):43 WS (him):41
Married 3 years, together 5
D-Day 2/10/16, 5-month EA, one kiss. Busted AGAIN 2/20/16
1 9-month old daughter... my miracle
2-time "veteran" :( XH1, 2001 (divorced 2007)
In limbo. Completely confused.

Posts: 722 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, July 18th (Friday)

False r!!!I just saw chats between him and another woman...not any that I had caught before...and he loves her...what do I do!!!please I am about to die


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
thirdtimeacharm
New Member
Member # 20210
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 18th (Friday)

((((Reallylost))))

Breathe, remember to breathe I am sorry this is happening to you again.


BS- Me 42
H- 41
M- 1 yr
Together 2.5 yrs
DDay - Jan 12, 2008
Him - 2 kids son 18, daughter 24 live with us

EA - Entire relationship/marriage til Jan 08


Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2008
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 18th (Friday)

reallylost, I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself.

2yrs, you ask a hard question. I have always felt that secrecy is a key component in whether a relationship is an affair of some sort. But you describe a situation where a man is being clearly inappropriate with other women, clearly taking time and attention and sexual interest from his wife and giving it to other women. I have no idea what I'd call it. Maybe I would call it an ea. But regardless of what you call it, it is horrendously wrong and disrespectful.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
kaylie
New Member
Member # 13180
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 19th (Saturday)

My FWH's EA started as drinks and conversation one day - dinner, slow dancing and sex the second. She left his bed (he was on a business trip), went home, he called her, she returned the call, they met again the third day (non physical) and the rest is history - an intense EA with a sexual component that couldn't always be expressed because of the distance. He told me about the affair as soon as he returned home and even though I was shocked and hurt, I thought how wonderful that he had such a special friend because he said how he could finally express his spiritual side - which he couldn't with me as I am agnostic. He also told her things about our family that I consider extremely personal and I told myself that if he couldn't talk to me about those things that she must be special and that they must be soulmates - a thought process that my husband actively encouraged. The EA bloomed during the time that I thought I needed to be supportive of his need for her friendship/love of his life - I thought I was showing love for him by allowing his friendship to continue when all I was doing was killing my own self esteem. How could I compete with someone who instinctively knew how to relate to my husband - who was intelligent, funny, sexual? How could I possibly compete with a higher spiritual destiny?

Well - a little further down the time line and I said it had to stop - and by that time, my husband was in it up to his.... whatever. He was so emotionally attached, and I was such a basket case, that when he first went NC, I couldn't make myself emotionally responsive and I saw the pain he went through keeping up the NC. I thought that must mean that he loved her so much, so when she went through a rough patch (broken NC) where he was her KISA, I was right there rooting for them - what an idiot I was.

So there I was, in the mind set that he was going to live out the love of his life with her (I saw the emails), and he decides that it's me he wants and he goes strict NC with the letter and everything. Do I respond? No - I say I'm committed but am I really? No sex, no real change in how we relate.

So - then he messages on AFF and I find out - furious but I still stay with him and he finally stops all the shit.

And now I'm still shut down and find it impossible to be anything but friends, parents and roomates. He's getting frustrated about everything but I still can't cut him loose and he says he doesn't want to go anyways. And I can't cut myself loose because I would miss daily contact with him. I'm a mess!! EAs are hell!!


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2007
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, July 19th (Saturday)

Reallylost, Im so sorry. On my dday I read their IM that he forgot to delete, in there he told her how much he loved her and longed to be w/ her. It was the worst day of my life, I was devasted. Please hang in there, our hearts and prayers r w/ you. I know how much you must be hurting right now. Have you confronted him, if so what did he say?

I also want to thank everyone for your responses. I guess I always knew these relationships were out of line, but w/ his gaslighting, I guess he kept me in line. How stupid was I??

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 6:56 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, July 20th (Sunday)

I confronted him immediately..I couldn't not ...he left and I am so lost...are you reconciling? Tell me it is possible and something you can live with..this is so painful..he was telling them both he loved them and one was the most beautiful woman he has ever known in all ways...I called them at work and told one of them that I knew and had copies of chats and emails and if I didn't change my mind I would get them to their husbands..and told her about the other one..told her to tell her I knew and that I knew they had kissed..god I hate them..the one he kissed has been married 3 weeks and only 24! he is 38..I don't think I am going to make it through this ..tell me if you felt this way and what your outcome was..good or bad


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
wasfooled2
Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 20th (Sunday)

I need to spend more time in here. I can't seem to remember to post!! My H had a very serious emotional relationship with a stranger he met online. It lasted almost two years from what I can gather. It was extremely devastating to know that my husband, best friend, and the man I had been with since I was 15 years old fell in love with someone else and carried on a double life for so long.

If any of you new folks ever need a shoulder to cry on or a place to vent, please know that you can PM me any time. I am here for you!!

[This message edited by wasfooled2 at 7:35 AM, July 20th (Sunday)]


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, July 20th (Sunday)

We are in R now. w/out MC, so we have many issues still between us. It has been a very hard year. DDay anniversary is next month, most of the time Im ok, but their are still some days when I feel like the very first day.
Just yesterday we had a converstation about it. Everytime we agrue, he has a tendency to make me feel like the bad guy and make me feel guilty and I always end up begging him to talk to me or apologizing, even when its his fault. I finally figured this out and I really try not to let him get to me. Well yesterday he tried it on me again. I finally told him to knock it off. I dont even know if he realized he did it. Anyway the reason i bring it up is because thats exactly how was able to keep his EAs going the whole time. By gaslighting me and making me feel like a jealous biotch every time I questioned him about his girlfriends. I would end up feeling so bad for not letting him have is "friends." and not "trusting" him. I had never told him that even now when he argues and he treats me like that, no matter what the agruement is about, it reminds me about how he treated me during the whole affair. I think I made him see it yesterday and I hope he changes his ways and takes responsibility for his own actions. So I think we will be ok, process is very slow and will take time. I figure he had a 2yr affair, so it might take that long or longer.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
Autumn46
Member
Member # 17479
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, July 20th (Sunday)

Cari wrote:
And the kicker is, the more he withholds the the truth, I keep looking for it, and bit by bit what I'm finding out is that he threw it away for women who didn't even think that much of him even at the height of their 'friendships.' Poor fool.

Same here. Similar story, same reactions, same indifference.

Deja vu.


Posts: 53 | Registered: Dec 2007
Demanda
New Member
Member # 19615
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, July 21st (Monday)

I just found this and I am so glad! Our whole relationship he has had female friends, that I don't meet and he doesn't talk about to me. I have only found out accidentally. One of these accidents led me to discover a real attempt at a "real affair". I moved back in after only two weeks of separation. I have spot-checked his email, which always makes me feel guilty. I found one telling someone to come over 15 minutes after I had to be at work. It referenced that he had got the message. Problem is I have no idea who this person is. We are in couples counseling, but I am starting to feel like his small betrayals aren't being seen as the issue, my mistrust and loss of temper has become the focus. Sometimes I just want to give up and leave, but everything else between us is so good. It really sucks to feel this constant worry. I wonder if maybe it is me.

Posts: 12 | Registered: May 2008
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Demanda, not you, definitly him. I was gaslighted for so long and he made me feel like the bad guy. What happens, he ends up falling for one of is female "friends" and also had online sex w/ one he hardly knew. You follow your gut.

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 7:30 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
comingupforair
Member
Member # 13488
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

I am a part of this "club" my FWH had a 5 1/2 year EA with his ex-girlfriend. It was strictly an EA. It almost killed me.


C


"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are."
Kurt Cobain

"I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human."
David Bowie



Posts: 710 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Clayton Ontario
Screaminginside
Member
Member # 18381
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

Anyone read that post in recon about "getting him to put down his baggage" and wish that there was something similar for our situation, the EA?


BS - Me 44
WH - Him 37 WSinKS
Living together 12 years, Married 8
DDay Feb. 19, 2008

‘Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future.’


Posts: 994 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Kansas
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, July 24th (Thursday)

Hi guys, I need HELP. OW called me today and told me that WH was trying to get a hold of her. She decided to do the right thing and not talk to him and let me know. I am so devastated right now. He told me that he misses her and wanted to start talking to her again. He doesnt know if he is still in love w/ her. But does know he loves me and wants to stay w/ me. Could have fooled me. Anyway, I had him write an NC letter, and we made an MC appt for tomorrow. He did it himself. And no, we hadnt been going. He has been apologizing since I confronted him, I told him that if he were really sorry, he wouldnt keep doing this to me. I am so heartbroken. How can we begin to R, if he still has feelings for her?? Please wish us luck, I dont know what to do right now.

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 8:38 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, July 24th (Thursday)

2yrsinthedark
at least the OW is doing the right thing and letting you know, sounds to me like she's not interested in him, which is good for you... bad for him.
hopefully, soon, he'll realize that she's a fantasy and not reality.
Let's hope for your sake, he figures it out before you leave him

hang tough, you'll make it


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, July 26th (Saturday)

Anyone read that post in recon about "getting him to put down his baggage" and wish that there was something similar for our situation, the EA?

You could try describing, as she did: Imagine that we've just made love, you're feeling close and loving, and I go downstairs... straight to the computer to send an e-mail to a man you've never even heard of. While you're drifting off to sleep, secure in my love for you, I'm downstairs, telling this man you've never heard of, what a neanderthal you are, how I worked hard all day, and you came home, ate dinner, let me wash the dishes by myself, and then pushed for sex until I gave in, even though I was dead tired.

Imagine that you kiss me good bye in the morning and head off to work, where you tell your co-workers you're a lucky guy. While you're doing that, I'm reading my reply from, let's call him Dave, telling me to stand up for myself and see you for the selfish bastard you are. And while you're agreeing to do some overtime, because you know I'd love a newer and nicer washing machine, I'm on the phone with Dave, telling him your breath stinks and that you wear the most ridiculous underwear.

You expect me home from work at five when I do the weekend shift. You get the kids to straighten up the house, telling them mom's had a rough day, let's be thoughtful of her, she works so hard, let's have the place looking nice.

You put dinner in the oven, thinking how pleased I'll be to come home to a hot meal. You've even bought my favorite brand of tea and ice cream with cherries for desert.

I don't come home... you're annoyed. You've been with the kids all day, and you'd love some adult company. The dinner is overcooking... the kids are asking questions about my whereabouts that you can't answer... now the dinner is getting cold.

You feed the kids, trying hard not to snap or say something mean about their mother when they ask for the fifteenth time, where is Mommy? Your annoyance turns to anger, and as the minutes and quarter hours turn to many hours, your anger turns to fear. You get the kids to bed. You try not to pace. You start wondering if I'm dead on the highway somewhere. You wonder if it's too early to call hospitals or police-- it's been many, many hours by now. It's 9 o'clock at night, and you're beside yourself with worry. You start cleaning up the kitchen and the living room, because the police are surely going to turn up at the door any minute to tell you what happened.

When I come home, I tell you I stopped for milk and filled the gas tank... for you. I tell you I was so exhausted after work that I took a nap on the way home. It could be. And now, on top of your hours of worry and fear, I've just let you know you don't even have a right to feel concern or fear. You're being ridiculous. I was doing it all for you, working so hard, and you're mad at me???

Eventually, of course, the truth comes out. While you were concerned about my safety, I was having drinks with Dave, telling him what a bastard you are.

How would your spouses react to that?


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
Screaminginside
Member
Member # 18381
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, July 28th (Monday)

That was great Capri!!


BS - Me 44
WH - Him 37 WSinKS
Living together 12 years, Married 8
DDay Feb. 19, 2008

‘Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future.’


Posts: 994 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Kansas
thirdtimeacharm
New Member
Member # 20210
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Emotional Affairs sometimes I wonder if I am second choice and he married me because she was already married....he could have his workwife and me at home doing everything else....well he did have it that way for 9 months...I also wonder if he is depressed because he doesn't have everything anymore....he asked for a divorce yesterday and today he said he can't imagine life without me....sorry thing is I am imagining life without him...


BS- Me 42
H- 41
M- 1 yr
Together 2.5 yrs
DDay - Jan 12, 2008
Him - 2 kids son 18, daughter 24 live with us

EA - Entire relationship/marriage til Jan 08


Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2008
nyi103
New Member
Member # 20484
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 4th (Monday)

[This message edited by nyi103 at 11:36 PM, September 27th (Saturday)]


Posts: 48 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Houston, TX
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, August 4th (Monday)

nyi,
i suppose i'm old fashioned which is why i can't seem to understand; 1- why your W could be that way with another man / any man and 2 - how you could accept her being so sexually open with anyone other then yourself.
i hope you can find reason and understanding with this...but i don't hink i could.
really though, best of luck!

Posts: 2085 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 8th (Friday)

recently found out that my WH tried to contact OW again. As you might guess I was devasted, I thought our R was going well. Well, he made an MC appoint. for us. (we started going after dday, but stopped after a few sessions.) Anyway, Im a bit frustrated w/ it. I guess the main thing about MC is trying to understand why it all happened. What went wrong w/ our relationship. (no excuse for the affair of course.)I can understand all of that but I'm wondering if its going backwards. The counselor wants to talk about our relationship, and I want to talk about my feelings right now and how to deal w/ them. I think we can get to the other stuff later. Right now, I think Im going nuts w/ the rollercoaster rides. And although it is WH's fault, I dont want to keep punishing him everytime I trigger. He doesnt know what to do either. He will listen, but he knows if he tries apologizing I wont believe him, if he hugs me or tells me he loves me, i wont think he is sincere. But, if he doesnt do these things I get upset because he is not trying to make me feel secure. Nothing he does is right, and I dont know what to do or how to handle it. I hope this makes sense. I need MC to help me cope right now, and then worry about what went wrong later. Am I right about this?? How do you guys feel?


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
g-hopeless
New Member
Member # 17470
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)

I have not read through this forum entirely so this may have been answered before. I am wondering how best to handle an EA that nobody wants to admit to? My situation is this. My wife had a full blown long term PA/EA with a close friend of ours. In the wake of the discloser that I had to play detective to confirm, my W turned to our closest friend who was the only one I had told. I understand her desire to have turned to him as I was largely emotionally unavailable and she feared repercussions of turning to me to work through everything. However, this brought their already dangerously close relationship to another level. They had always had a special bond. Our group dynamics were such that we always had blurred the lines of appropriate or typical friendship's but this OM's special attraction to and attention toward my W had always felt very non-threatening because of his relationship with me and what I felt I knew about my W as the most morally and ethically well-grounded person I had ever known. During her affair, however, as I started to feel shunned and abandoned, everything of course changed. I started off rather innocently asking him to avoid some of the special moments that he always sought to create with my W. This was repeatedly argued with and ultimately largely ignored, at least if I had my back turned it was. After the revelation of the affair I thought for sure he would give us the space I was asking for and set up more appropriate boundaries with my W who was obviously struggling to figure out how to do so. Instead, I felt that my requests which had turned to demands were still ignored. Ultimately, when I felt that all the same techniques that were employed to hide the affair were being used to hide this current relationship I again felt I had to become a detective. What I found was far more that I had even suspected. They were engaging in very sexually explicit and provocative talks on IM, plus whatever they were saying in their many many texts when they were away from the computer. When faced with the evidence she had to admit that she had stepped over the line. However, she says she did so without realizing it and would simply stop. She wanted to focus on my detective work and how offended she was by it. To this day my W obstinately objects to admitting that they were involved in an EA. I however am not stupid and know what love looks like, and they had fallen in love though I trust that it never went much further. I am confident that it would have if I had not stepped in. I have sworn off the OP for life and asked my wife to as well. After much kicking and screaming she has finally agreed to do so as well, though she insists on continuing a friendship with this person's W and refuses to acknowledge that I will never feel OK again about her having a relationship with him again in the future.

So my question is this. How, if at all, can I get my W to face what she created and take responsibility for why we will never be friends with this person again? The problem is that as long as she blames me for it and believes that everything I am asking of her is ridiculous (not going to the house if he's there, not calling her friend if the OM is home and so-on) it continues to build resentment toward me, and poisons our best efforts to reconcile. Outside of these issues we are doing really well, but any time these issues come up we are thrown back to zero again.

She refuses to read about these things or go to counseling to learn about them as she feels that nobody can tell her about herself.


Married 13 years
Me-BS 36, WW-38
D-day 4/21/07
2 usually beautiful children

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2007
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Concerned  Posted: 9:41 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)

g-hopeless,
That's the hardest part of an EA, getting someone to realize that a boundary was crossed. If she doesn't know the boundaries, then the chance of her repeating the behavior is very likely.
I don't have much advice other than start talking with her and figuring out boundaries that you can both live with. If she insists flirting and sex via IM are ok.. then you have a decision to make, because she doesn't respect your wishes or being honest with you. I think the best way you can tell her is that if she's doing or saying anything that she wouldn't do with you around, then it's wrong, and it's even worse if she starts doing things purposely and hiding it from you.

Good luck,

[This message edited by tormentedsoul at 9:43 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)]


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
ARmom
Member
Member # 16143
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, August 14th (Thursday)

2yrsinthedark,

I seriously think you need to consider IC to help you deal with your feelings and emotions. The only way MC is going to work is if you CAN focus on your relationship and how to interact with each other. I KNOW it seems horribly unfair because he "caused" the situation, but YOU have to take control and responsibility for how you deal with some of the emotions that are running through your head right now for your own sanity.

Marriage counseling needs to do just that - counsel the marriage. If you get the individual help that you need, it is going to make the MC part of the equation more productive for both of you.


Posts: 911 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Small Town AR
Lovebug
New Member
Member # 20649
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, August 15th (Friday)

I feel like I'm the only, no offense but young person in here and am wondering if age plays a factor on reconciliation or not.

I'm 27 - married 2 yrs, 2 very small children 2 yrs and 5 months.

This is my WH 2nd A. First one 4 yrs ago. This time EA - I think (he says no pc). With a co-worker, he ended up quitting - BUT HIRED her at his new job (he's in mngmnt) so they're still wrking together. It's been one week of NC but I confronted him and told him nc almost 4 weeks ago. I'm not sure if I want to continue this.

I'm so hurt, devastated, and PISSED off that I could kill (well - really hurt) both of them.

I just don't want to stay for the wrong reasons.. my two girls. They're so young though... I don't want them to not have a dad.

I'm so lost!!


Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: CA
mary0808
Member
Member # 20512
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, August 16th (Saturday)

I have a husband who had an EA that became physical. The EA started when I was pregnant with #2 (b/c he claims I didn't have enough sex with him) and continued throughout her 1st year. I was struggling with colic and nursing and he formed strong emotional ties with a younger woman at work. (Although I am 31, so it is not like I am that old).

So, this EA has gone on almost a year. He changed his lifestyle for her and took on new hobbies. They have had physical contact and they have communicated feelings for each other. She wants to be with him.

My questions:
1) Is it too late are EA too strong?
2) Is it an impossible situation if they work together?


Me- BS (32)
Him- WH (32)
D-Day: 8/2/08
Trickle Truth #1: 8/4/08
Trickle Truth #2: 8/20/08
8/30/08: Relapse back to OW
9/14/08: NC
10/15/08: Trickle truth #4 (but still NC)
Status: Reconciling

Married: 5 years
2 Dau


Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)

mary0808,
EA's are not to strong, they're a fantasy with no problems of the reality of daily life. Once the fantasy is broken, they fall apart. The trick is to bring reality in before things get to far gone between you and your WS.

EA's hurt more than a PA in my opinion, but I don't want to get into a debate about that, that's just my personal experience


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, August 20th (Wednesday)

I think sometimes ea's seem indestructible...they are fantasy and that is so hard for those of us living in the real world to deal with...While in the ea, the participants don't know or don't care how their behavior hurts their loved ones. My stxh worked with 2 of his ea's...he got addicted to that feeling of secret love and that new butterfly sensation...he had some that he emailed and some that he called on his cell...I don't think any of them flourished in the light of day..it was a game for the female participants and they too didn't think about how this effected anyone but them...They are very hard to combat and stop...it is like a drug.


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
wantomoveforward
Member
Member # 19884
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, August 20th (Wednesday)

We are 8 weeks out of my WH EA. This was his 2nd or 3rd EA in our 8 year marriage. This time his response has been different- he has taken full responsibility, shows remorse, everything to show that he regrets his mistake. We now have 2 kids, whereas before we didn't have them during the other EA. I want to him to understand why this happened so he can prevent it in the future. He thinks that if he says it won't happen again, it won't.
Any suggestions?


wtmf
Me(BW)- 36
Him(WH)- 37
2 kids- 17 mos, 4 yrs
Married 8 yrs

Posts: 53 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: South Carolina
mary0808
Member
Member # 20512
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 20th (Wednesday)

I am so worried about my husband's addiction to this 25 year old OW. How could they do this? I fear it is really strong fantasy btw them b/c OW has no problem breaking our marriage even knowing that there are 2 small children involved and my WH wants to leave me for OW even though he swears he has never had sex with OW-- they had EA and only kissed.

It sounds so strong...and they work together. I'm a trying to bust it up, and snap him back to reality, but this has been going on for a year and I am trying 180, but I am so, so worried that he'll never snap out of it.

He even defends OW! Oh, I want her evil spell to wear off. What is the anecdote???



Me- BS (32)
Him- WH (32)
D-Day: 8/2/08
Trickle Truth #1: 8/4/08
Trickle Truth #2: 8/20/08
8/30/08: Relapse back to OW
9/14/08: NC
10/15/08: Trickle truth #4 (but still NC)
Status: Reconciling

Married: 5 years
2 Dau


Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic
thirdtimeacharm
New Member
Member # 20210
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, August 22nd (Friday)

I think the antedote for an ea is to take care of yourself, try to set firm boundaries about what you are willing to live with, ask for total transparency and pray for strength.

I have only been married a year and H had ea entire dating/marriage until Jan 08. He did finally admit he betrayed me, I think there is more to tell and the guilt is eating him up. Still have problems with total transparency regarding other females in his life, and I am trying to be honest about how it makes me feel. I also have been honest about my needs. The best thing that helped me was 180 I started it about a month ago and it has made life so much easier and I am enjoying myself, depression has started to lift.

Hang in there everyone in ea land.


BS- Me 42
H- 41
M- 1 yr
Together 2.5 yrs
DDay - Jan 12, 2008
Him - 2 kids son 18, daughter 24 live with us

EA - Entire relationship/marriage til Jan 08


Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2008
Anachronism
Member
Member # 20111
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, August 23rd (Saturday)

Does anyone here have experience with emotional affairs that have not yet become physical, but the WS is completely in love and proceeding straight to D?

I know EAs that become physical often break within six months, but how long can they last after discovery purely as EAs?

I'm not asking how long they can go without seeing each other. Distance and parenting responsibilities make this difficult. I just want to know if I have any hope of this ending on its own, without a physical betrayal.


"If I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me by?" - Vanessa Carlton

Posts: 837 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Michigan
raineday
Member
Member # 20681
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, August 25th (Monday)

[This message edited by raineday at 2:36 PM, October 25th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 124 | Registered: Aug 2008
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, August 26th (Tuesday)

raineday,
it might be time to have lunch with her and have a little talk. If she's not interested in him, it'll change her behavior towards him if she knows it bothers you and he's thinking of it as more than a friendship.


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
raineday
Member
Member # 20681
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, August 27th (Wednesday)

I think I may be too late.

I guess I just have to wait it out.. All I really want to do right now is leave him.

[This message edited by raineday at 2:48 PM, October 25th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 124 | Registered: Aug 2008
jolene
Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, August 28th (Thursday)

raineday, I posted this to you already in JFO-- get a voice activated recorder, plan a day out for you and plant that sucker. This is how I busted my FWH in a huge lie. The tone of voice doesn't lie, you will know if this is just a one-sided thing (doubt it considering the numerous phone calls) from how he talks to her.

Do you think they're meeting? Follow them, or have someone else do it.

Once you make 50 posts on SI, you'll have access to another forum that will give you tips for investigation.
I feel for you because it seems like you're flying blind here and that SUCKS. The best advice I can give you is DON'T SHOW YOUR CARDS until you're sure of what is going on. They will go further underground and then you may not have a choice except to D.


Divorced 10/2013! Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
Muff2do
New Member
Member # 18872
Frustrated  Posted: 10:28 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

I’m glad this thread is here. We are a year out from dday and things are going good but I still feel like I’m broken. I’m not the same person that I used to be. I no longer want to be around people or do the things I enjoyed doing before I found out about my H EA with a woman from Norway.

I used to enjoy watching TV or listening to music but now it just seems like noise to me. I just kind of sit in the quite because it has become easier to do that. I have lost friends because they just don’t understand. They think as long as he didn’t have sex with her it wasn’t that bad. They didn’t read the love letters that I found. They don’t have their loving words burned into their brains the way I do.

Eight months out he got mad at me and told me to just write a book about the whole thing so I did. I wrote how the whole thing has affected me and how I feel about myself now. I took their love emails and put them in date order with my own notes after each line or word that was not becoming of a married man. He said she never was a flirt or lead him on but I highlighted her words to show how wrong he was. I then made him sit down in front of me and read all 50 or so pages.

That was the day he came out of his fog. That was the day that our true healing began. For the first time he saw how far gone he was and how much it had hurt me. He saw for the first time that she wasn’t the innocent woman as he had made her out to be.

I guess what I wonder now is how do I become the person I used to be? I want her back. I want to laugh again and do some of the crazy things I used to do.

This whole thing has made my health get worse; I have Fibromyalgia and I hurt all the time now. I lost my job five months ago due to the sale of the company so I have money worries. Add feeling broken on top of that and I have to say that I feel like SHIT! I know in the end things will get better but today it just doesn’t feel that way.

Thanks for listening.


BS-me 49
WS-him 67
D-day 8-17-07
Married 32.5 years
3 kids b-30, b-28, g-23

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Minnesota
raineday
Member
Member # 20681
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 30th (Saturday)

Muff,

I've said, for me, an EA is harder to take than a PA. And that must have been awful to read those letters between them, it makes me sick to my stomach even thinking about it.

But at least you know the truth and now you get to make the decision in how to proceed forward with your life and be the person you were before, only stronger.

I'm sorry to hear that you are down right now, but you are right, things will get better. Don't let this effect your health, it's not worth it.


Posts: 124 | Registered: Aug 2008
grimesgirl
Member
Member # 20857
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

My WH had a PA but mostly EA. The EA hurts me more for some reason. I want to know what he was telling her. He says they just talked about "everyday" stuff. One month of phone records show over 500 hours of conversations and 400 text messages. In ONE month! He didn't have that much interest in speaking to me that much. He also said that I know all of his stories since we have been together for 8 years. I think he just liked feeling wanted and interesting.


Me: 33
FWH: 34
2 Kids: 5 years & 8 years
Day: 8/20/08, Full Truth: 8/22/08
Married 9 years, Full R
"Forgiveness is love in its most noble form"

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2008
willrize65
Member
Member # 18517
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, September 8th (Monday)

My h has never stopped his ea. He just sees it as a "friendship" which I just don't like. He's refused to give her up. I really feel that I'm done. How can he throw his family under a bus for his "friend". I just can't seem to move on from that.

Posts: 122 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: new jersey
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, September 9th (Tuesday)

willrize65 - are you absolutely sure they were EA's and not PA's? And if they indeed are EA's then why won't he stop them for you? Does he not see how these effect you?

Posts: 2085 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
BetrayedinMN
Member
Member # 20970
Frustrated  Posted: 7:18 PM, September 9th (Tuesday)

I just found this forum and I am glad. This is such a difficult thing to talk about and sometimes believe.

A few months ago, I found emails to WS from a co-worker. I will say most of the stuff was coming from her end but in the past two weeks I found another email simply stating, "I miss you". He says its nothing. I want to believe that but can I?


Me - 43
XH 42 (A's with co-workers)
Dday #1 (EA) 2008
Dday #2 (EA) 2010
DDay #3 (EA) 9-2-12

Was served divorce papers on 10/30/12
D final 4/30/13


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, September 11th (Thursday)

no, if I had it to do over I would trust my gut feeling everytime...and if it is not a big deal he shouldn't care if you ask him to keep his contact with her work related...do you know anyone at their office that is friends with you? You can never know for sure about what goes on in a work place ..some people can spend a lot of time together and not be to noticeable....but, I bet someone there knows if it is anymore.


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
BetrayedinMN
Member
Member # 20970
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, September 12th (Friday)

I actually did email with a friend of his in the office (a male friend) who I have never met and asked him about it. He thinks there is no way but I stated some of the reasons I believe it to be true and he understands why I might think that. He himself has gone through his wife having an affair and now they are divorcing so he understands. He said he would be highly surprised if it were true.

Still can't get rid of the feeling of impending doom in my gut though.


Me - 43
XH 42 (A's with co-workers)
Dday #1 (EA) 2008
Dday #2 (EA) 2010
DDay #3 (EA) 9-2-12

Was served divorce papers on 10/30/12
D final 4/30/13


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
Muff2do
New Member
Member # 18872
Evil  Posted: 9:02 PM, September 24th (Wednesday)

Trust your gut. I wish I had. I had the feeling for a long time that something wasn't right but kept pushing that feeling back. If I had brought up what I felt was going on maybe he wouldn't have told her that he loved her and wish his life with me away.

He would stay up all night writing her long emails telling her how great and special she was. She would then return all the loving word to him the next day.

He has given her up and now sees that he had his head up his ass for about a year.

[This message edited by Muff2do at 9:04 PM, September 24th (Wednesday)]


BS-me 49
WS-him 67
D-day 8-17-07
Married 32.5 years
3 kids b-30, b-28, g-23

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Minnesota
BetrayedinMN
Member
Member # 20970
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, September 25th (Thursday)

Well I did go with my gut and I was right. He is very remorseful at this point. The worst part is he is going to have to see this freaking woman again on Monday because of a work thing. He is being very sensitive to my feelings but I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about him spending any time with her even if it is work related. WWYD?


Me - 43
XH 42 (A's with co-workers)
Dday #1 (EA) 2008
Dday #2 (EA) 2010
DDay #3 (EA) 9-2-12

Was served divorce papers on 10/30/12
D final 4/30/13


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
Muff2do
New Member
Member # 18872
Sad  Posted: 10:48 PM, September 25th (Thursday)

You have the right to question everything that he does. My H called it beating it to death. It wasn't until I got all the answers I needed and I knew he wasn't hiding anything from me that we could move on into a true R.

I know the pain you feel right now and how hard this can be.

The best book I read while having my life fall apart was Not Just Friends. It was the only place I was able to see for myself that I wasn't going nuts.

At that time I didn't know about this site. You will get a lot of support here.


BS-me 49
WS-him 67
D-day 8-17-07
Married 32.5 years
3 kids b-30, b-28, g-23

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Minnesota
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, October 3rd (Friday)

I'm scared. I've dug up an EA my WH was/is having. It started out of town last Sept/Oct. I've had 2 ddays. The first in April, the second 2 1/2 weeks ago. Now I'm digging for more info. Just don't know what to do. He won't admit it's anything but friends. I already know enough to doubt that. So confused.


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, October 3rd (Friday)

reluctant,
get the book.. Not just friends... read it.. have him read it... maybe he'll come around to see his mistakes


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 3:27 AM, October 4th (Saturday)

I'm reading NOT Just Friends right now. Finished Love Must Be Tough. He has never read a book I've asked him to ever.
He won't admit that hiding the existence of 2 women whom he talks to for long times and multiple times a day over a few months is wrong.
He says he was trying to help the 44 year old mother deal with her 21 year old's drug usage and wild lifestyle. It's like he created a completely new family out of town, including their problems. I've read enough posts on here already to see I have KISA on my hands. It comes with it's own problems because he thinks I'm unrealistic and not compassionate and over reacting.

I don't even know which one to worry about more. The 21 yo offered herself to him. He says he refused. The 44 yo spilled her heart to him and relied on him to support her in her troubles. Gag.

Did I mention 44 yo is on husband #5. Yeah, she's monogamous.


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
UnbearablySadd
Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, October 5th (Sunday)

Dear Reluctant,

re

He has never read a book I've asked him to ever.

i know exactly where you are...

When HIS affair was uncovered last jan, it was like I was assigned a class! After reading 14 (yes, 14), books on affairs, low sex drive, you name it, my WH - despite promises - has never read a single one.

Like yours, my WH claimed only an EA. Never nailed him on the PA with that one, but appears to be having a PA with someone right now...

I have recently come to think that if I have to worry about this stuff that it is not worth it....

Good luck, I hope you are one of the lucky ones!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, October 5th (Sunday)

If your WS won't read a book... try getting the audio version... maybe they'll listen to them. I know 5 love languages is available, not sure but worth a look


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
UnbearablySadd
Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, October 7th (Tuesday)

Could we get a poll to see how many think their WS EAs were really PAs??

Did we ever have this poll?

Cause if so -- count me # 1.

(in fact he tried to take it PA and couldn't get it up.... HAHHAHHAHHAHA).


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, October 8th (Wednesday)

UnbearablySadd,
I don't think so... but who's word do I have on that?
The problem with an EA is that they don't think they did anything wrong... which makes R even tougher.

[This message edited by tormentedsoul at 11:02 AM, October 8th (Wednesday)]


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
lm2k
Member
Member # 21057
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 8th (Wednesday)

I had an EA and I KNOW that I did alot wrong...I am glad that it never went to a PA...or I would not be trying to R with my H. It took me 6 months to get to where I am. We are going back to MC tomorrow and I am actually looking forward to it. When we went to MC after Dday I hated every minute of each session. I have ordered a few of the books that have been mentioned on SI and plan on reading them and will also give them to my H to read too. R is tough.....I see the pain I have caused and realized it was me who caused it. How sad is that?? Very sad. Without SI these past few weeks I don't know if I could have gotten to where I am right now. Thank you all.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Sep 2008
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, October 8th (Wednesday)

I'm mostly sure WH's EA didn't become a PA, at least not to the point of intercourse. I do think that they hugged hello and goodbye and possibly kissed hello and goodbye. I also think that they touched hands, arms, shoulders when they talked, etc. Picturing those actions is as hard as intercourse because they speak of comfort, affection, intimacy and pleasure in each other's company. I had thought he only had that kind of easiness with me.

The problem I have is that WH won't admit they even hugged. Does he think I don't know him? His whole family is huggy and I've seen him hugging platonic friends. How could he not have been this way in the EA?


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
hurtandbroken
New Member
Member # 20936
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, October 8th (Wednesday)

The problem I have is that WH won't admit they even hugged. Does he think I don't know him? His whole family is huggy and I've seen him hugging platonic friends. How could he not have been this way in the EA?

I have the same problem. He didn't admit to anything,I had to find the proof and even then some of it he tried to lie.I don't get why they lie about such small details.Like mine lied about even calling her,turns out they spent hours on the phone.So if he will lie about phone calls,it makes sense that he would lie about the more intimate details...Do they really think that we are that clueless about things?

[This message edited by hurtandbroken at 11:36 PM, October 8th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 22 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: ca
StillStanding
Member
Member # 18143
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, October 9th (Thursday)

What does it mean when the WS won't even read a self help book or a book on relationships and marriage? Do they just not care or do they think they know it all. Maybe they just resent those who make them feel guilty for their wrong doings.

It is amazing how a WS will cover the truth even if it's laying right out there for all to see and it is funny how we BS will walk around with eyes closed until one day it hits us right up side the head.

I sat and watched my FWW EA form right in front of me. When I started to question her new "friendship" I caught nothing but hell from her. So I trusted her the best I could just to keep the peace. Huge mistake on my part. The only thing I did was put off Dday and when Dday did come the explosion was of a major kind.

Seems that she had tried to take the EA to a PA but her timing was off so she and her EA buddy had made plans to take it to a PA. As it turns out her timing was real bad that day and by luck I figured it out and wrecked their plans by confronting the OP. I get the feeling she hates me for that but she should be thanking me for stopping her from whoring herself out to a no good out for just pussy jerk.

Now it's just a few months shy of 3 years since Dday and she is still in a coma. Marriage is better but more of a friendship and not what I desire at all. Put that together with all the fond memeries I have of her EA and you have a someone like me.


Posts: 277 | Registered: Feb 2008
hurtandbroken
New Member
Member # 20936
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 9th (Thursday)

It is amazing how a WS will cover the truth even if it's laying right out there for all to see and it is funny how we BS will walk around with eyes closed until one day it hits us right up side the head.

That is so true.Even with my gut screaming at me,I still chose to believe him.Never again will I have such a foolish trust...Why do they still lie when you have proof of the truth?..It is all just so crazy to me.... I am sorry that your still going thur the effects of the affair...But I don't think the effects ever go away ,everything is forever changed.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: ca
StuckMom
New Member
Member # 17385
Sad  Posted: 12:28 PM, October 9th (Thursday)

My Wh has a habbit of EA. Some have ended up becoming PA. Once I found out what was going on he supposedly changed his ways. But in reality he is doing the whole EA thing again. I envy those who are financially stable enough to find freedom from this cycle but for now I will keep fighting the battle. The idea of having to "share" the kids etc is more than I can stand. One day they will be on thier own and I will be free. My WH pretends to resi and I guess I do as well. We both have our reasons. When I first found out I tried to sever ties and had hoped to get temporary financial assistance, until I got a second job, from my extreamly wealthy brother. At first he said no problem but then he changed his mind and said it would be better if I stayed. 5 years later I am just as unhappy and live in a dark place. He (my brother) did mention it recently "aern't you glad you stayed. I leaned close and quietly said "honestly no" he looked at me in shock. He is on his third wife and was so shure that things could be different for me. I have done my best not to have bad feelings tword him as this "thing" is not his fault. But when I see him giving $20,000 to people to "help them out" I wonder why my situation is different to him. I have to keep going. I know my kids aern't ignorant to it all especially my oldest but I know I don't have enough money to cover rent and food let alone to raise 3 children so for now here I sit. Trying to make things work or maybe just trying to get through each day one at a time. I now understand why BS's end up becoming WS's. Given a way out I am not sure I would be strong enough not to give up my morals. I keep telling my self I am not that kind of person and could not forgive myself. But I wonder if one day will I forgive myself for not finding a way out?

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2007
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, October 17th (Friday)

I'm wondering about having to convince WH that what he did was wrong. He is sticking with the "I was helping a friend" story line.

I wrote a huge letter showing it all to him in black and white. I haven't sent it yet. Does it do any good?

Also, need some help. I know he will have his feelings hurt that I don't trust him. This letter will really hurt him. I have considered his feelings for 17 years. Even in the face of what WS do to us, how can we shut off our compassion toward them? My love for him is still as strong as ever.

I'd love some advice from those who have been dealing longer than I.


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
StillStanding
Member
Member # 18143
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, October 17th (Friday)

Reluctant,

If he won't admit to an EA then it's a possibility that he won't stop the behavior. My W would not admit it and even though it caused some fights I would always roll over for her. Her guilt was probably the reason why she played the good wife during this time, especially in bed.

Wish I had laid it all on the line from the beginning then maybe just maybe it wouldn't have ended up being so bad when the big Dday finally did come.

Don't let this go on too long. Please seek the advice of others and perhaps a professional. I am not sure if contacting the OW is the right thing to do but if you H won't tell you anything then perhaps you should.


Posts: 277 | Registered: Feb 2008
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, October 18th (Saturday)

I have plans to tell the OWH. I have a timing issue to work out. Everything I read here has convinced me of how important it is to get him involved on the other end.

OK, so I plug forward and lay it on the line right now. Whew. Hard to imagine how big this is going to be.


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
StillStanding
Member
Member # 18143
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, October 19th (Sunday)

OK, so I plug forward and lay it on the line right now. Whew. Hard to imagine how big this is going to be.

Please seek other advice before lay it on the line.

I'm just saying that for me I waited too long and the EA was within an eyelash of becoming a PA. I could have stopped it months before by confronting the OM. There would have been a big fight between my W and I but surely not as big as what happened on Dday.

I do regret not confronting him sooner but then I think about what might have happened if I had. I know my W learned a hard lesson. Would she have learned anything if I had stopped it before it went too far? I am just not sure how it would have turned out. One just never knows. Having said that maybe it is better that I waited so long. The truth is, I did wait and now we live with that.

Good luck.


Posts: 277 | Registered: Feb 2008
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Frustrated  Posted: 11:43 PM, October 19th (Sunday)

reluctant,
don't wait. If you're uncomfortable, you have the right to speak up. If your WS isn't listening, you have every right to take it to the next person.
Hang tough, the hardest part is when the WS won't admit they'd done anything wrong


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
sosad2
New Member
Member # 21298
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, October 20th (Monday)

7 months ago my WH told me he had feelings for the OW
It is still going on and getting stronger moving towards the PA - I know this because I found E:mails and letters between the lovers.My WH told me yesterday that he knows if he goes with the OW he will be happy but not sure if it is the right thing to do. If he stays in the M he thinks he will be miserable and unhappy. I am seeing a counsilor and he suggested I tell him the "door is open" and I and our kids love you and do not want to see you miserable. If you want to leave it is ok. I know my WH would prefer if I kick him out that way there is less guilt for him on the part of our kids (your mother kicked me out so I have to leave)
Cousillor said he chose the affair so it is his responsiblity to make the decision. I have been trying the 180 since D-Day but it is so hard when you are dying inside, feeling sad,unloved and depressed. I want to screem and yell at him and tell him I can love him just as good as she can.
Are you sure this 180 is the right way to go after 7 months. How long will this go on


sosad2

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
sosad2
New Member
Member # 21298
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, October 20th (Monday)

7 months ago my WH told me he had feelings for the OW
It is still going on and getting stronger moving towards the PA - I know this because I found E:mails and letters between the lovers.My WH told me yesterday that he knows if he goes with the OW he will be happy but not sure if it is the right thing to do. If he stays in the M he thinks he will be miserable and unhappy. I am seeing a counsilor and he suggested I tell him the "door is open" and I and our kids love you and do not want to see you miserable. If you want to leave it is ok. I know my WH would prefer if I kick him out that way there is less guilt for him on the part of our kids (your mother kicked me out so I have to leave)
Cousillor said he chose the affair so it is his responsiblity to make the decision. I have been trying the 180 since D-Day but it is so hard when you are dying inside, feeling sad,unloved and depressed. I want to screem and yell at him and tell him I can love him just as good as she can.
Are you sure this 180 is the right way to go after 7 months. How long will this go on


sosad2

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
sosad2
New Member
Member # 21298
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, October 20th (Monday)

7 months ago my WH told me he had feelings for the OW
It is still going on and getting stronger moving towards the PA - I know this because I found E:mails and letters between the lovers.My WH told me yesterday that he knows if he goes with the OW he will be happy but not sure if it is the right thing to do. If he stays in the M he thinks he will be miserable and unhappy. I am seeing a counsilor and he suggested I tell him the "door is open" and I and our kids love you and do not want to see you miserable. If you want to leave it is ok. I know my WH would prefer if I kick him out that way there is less guilt for him on the part of our kids (your mother kicked me out so I have to leave)
Cousillor said he chose the affair so it is his responsiblity to make the decision. I have been trying the 180 since D-Day but it is so hard when you are dying inside, feeling sad,unloved and depressed. I want to screem and yell at him and tell him I can love him just as good as she can.
Are you sure this 180 is the right way to go after 7 months. How long will this go on


sosad2

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, October 20th (Monday)

Actually, WH is 7 hours from home working. OW lives 2 hours from our house so I doubt they are seeing each other. I have access to the cell phone record everyday. He is NC for over a month - on that phone. I am waiting until he gets home to look for any pre-paid phone. Since we have already had 2 ddays and I didn't handle them well at all, I am playing this slowly. I revealed my findings right away last time and he gaslighted out of them.


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
StillStanding
Member
Member # 18143
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, October 20th (Monday)

I just remembered something else my wife said. She said she didn't feel like she was worth fighting for because I let it go on for so long.

It was her choice and I did talk to her about it but she would just get pissed at me and gaslight me.

If I had a dog and my neighbor stole it from me and everytime I tried to get it back it bit me then evenutally I would just let my neighbor have it.

Go fight for your marriage. Do what ever it takes within the confines of the law of course. You may get bit a few times but at least you will have tried. Only you can decided when you are tired of getting bit.

It just seems totaly sick and crazy to me that a person can tell their spouse that they are happier with another person and talk about it like it's OK. No one deserves to be treated in such a way. I think the best thing to do is just show them the door and hope it hits them in the ass on the way out. Maybe reality will hit them in the ass too.


Posts: 277 | Registered: Feb 2008
sosad2
New Member
Member # 21298
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, October 20th (Monday)

I have thought about it so many times about kicking him out, but I stop because of the kids. My oldest has some important decisions to make in the next few months regarding choice of university. I don't want to upset the kids right now, they love their dad deeply.
It is so hard holding back the anger.


sosad2

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
sosad2
New Member
Member # 21298
Sad  Posted: 4:13 PM, October 20th (Monday)

I just found this website yesterday and I haven't been able to get off of it since. Too bad I didn't find it 7 months ago when D-day happened.Anyways my WH has been having this mostly EA with OP at work. He sees her more than me, everyday M-F. I know the EA is now turning to PA because unbeknownst to him I have read some E:mails and Love letters between them and how they spend their lunch hour together hugging and kissing. Sexual intercourse has not happened YET but their sexual tension is increasing. I have asked him to quit the job numerous times if he wants to keep his marriage, otherwise he should leave our home. Last week he told me it was getting serious between them. I went and got the suitcase and showed it to him. He then said maybe he will quit. He is sitting on the fence. I represent security, she represents Luv. He wants both but knows he has to make a decision. This weekend he tells me if he stays in the marriage he will be miserable and unhappy, but if he goes with her he knows he will be happy, but is not sure if its the right decision. Today I asked him if he knows the pain I feel because of his betrayal. He responded that our marriage betrayed him and me. Typical marriage after 17 years with 2 kids - we just fell out of touch with each other and took it for granted until it was too late. He said he did not go looking for this affair, it just happened and on a scale of betrayal 1 - 10, 1 being the lowest level of betrayal he would be a "2". When I read the letters between them it almost makes me feel guilty for keeping the lovers apart. They are sooo..much in love. Why do I feel guilty? And if he decides to stay in the marriage and give OW up I am sure I will be made to feel guilty.He will resent me because he had to give his soul-mate up. This is all backwards.
I don't want him back if it is going to be that way. It is hard to know what to do and say anymore.


sosad2

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
StillStanding
Member
Member # 18143
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, October 20th (Monday)

Doesn't the WS know that the new will eventually wear off a new relationship and they will end up feeling just as they feel now. Besides, if they cheat with you they will cheat on you. Remember it's their personal problem not ours. Bad thing is it affects our entire lives.

[This message edited by StillStanding at 8:26 PM, October 20th (Monday)]


Posts: 277 | Registered: Feb 2008
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, October 20th (Monday)

sosad2,
you deserve to happy too! Will you be more miserable is if he goes or if he stays? only you can answer that, and I'd say it's time to take charge of your life, with or without him, the choice is yours, not his!
Carpe Diem.


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
anniegirl1
Member
Member # 19988
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, November 2nd (Sunday)

Is there a chance that an EA that has been going on at least 2 years, is not a PA???
My husband was talking to MRS THING for 2 yrs maybe longer. They were talking 2-3 times a month, anywhere from 2mins. to 20mins. Mostly, 5-10 though.
I found out in April by finding text.
He has sworn from day 1 that it NEVER became physical. That it was someone to vent to & yes he liked the attention, but nothing happened.
I talked to him again today about it and he still swears Nothing happened. Even after telling him that I'm not leaving no matter what he tells me & I am strong enough to hear it. OF COURSE, unless it is still going on.
Thanks for any imput.
B*L*E*S*S*I*N*G*S


Me-BS 45 2nd M,
Him-WH 39 CITY DICK 1st M 2+yr.EA/PPA
1st WS Slept with
all of NORfOLK VA
Thank GOD in Live in
Virginia Beach :-}



Posts: 385 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Virginia Beach
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, November 3rd (Monday)

anniegirl, I think it's possible, yes. I am dealing with a 13 year ea with one woman, and 2 years of weekly coffee dates (and lying to me about his whereabouts) with another. I have done a lot of investigating and asking questions, and I am finally convinced that there was no physical contact with either of them. Of course, when they lie, they make it impossible to believe it when they say they didn't.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
anniegirl1
Member
Member # 19988
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, November 5th (Wednesday)

Capri,
Thanks !!!!
That does help.
Like I said before, he swears from day 1 that it NEVER became a PA.
That she called him 1st.
That he ALWAYS, from day 1 told her that it could only be "JUST FRIENDS", because he has Loved me from the 1st time he saw me.
My response: If he has Loved me from Day 1...why hide her?
Why wouldn't he call her on DDay when I asked?
Why couldn't he just call & say "hey I'm putting my wife on the phone. Talk to her please".
Why couldn't he, "MAN UP"?? & YES! I did say that to him.
He KNOWS that I am NOT a violent person. I usually am very timid....until this ALL happened.
I have not blown up at him.
I have kept my cool.(VERY HARD!!) B~U~T....HE KNOWS that I mean BUSINESS!!!
I think that it scares him that I am so calm.
I went through this with my 1st WH. I WILL NOT go through it again.
I Just CANNOT fathom that it went on sooooo long & NoThInG happened?!?
Sorry, I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it.
He won't give me anymore details. I have to figure them out or leave it alone.
Well since I have a case OCD, I don't think that leaving it, is an option.
It just hurts FINALLY realizing that the man that I felt so Trustworthy, the man that I married, IS A LIAR.
And, you are right. Once they lie, how can they possibly think that you are to believe anything that comes from them.
Man(figure of speach), for years have been doing things to protect themselves. It's human nature. Even lying to the ones they supposedly Love, to save themselves.
Thanks for listening/reading.
B*L*E*S*S*I*N*G*S on Your Day.


Me-BS 45 2nd M,
Him-WH 39 CITY DICK 1st M 2+yr.EA/PPA
1st WS Slept with
all of NORfOLK VA
Thank GOD in Live in
Virginia Beach :-}



Posts: 385 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Virginia Beach
strong1
Member
Member # 21444
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, November 5th (Wednesday)

anniegirl,
My story and timeline is similar. I don't know what to tell you about the possibilities of PA or not. In my case, I found out in March that my H was emailing a colleage flirty messages, meeting for coffee a couple of times a month before work (even though they work together?) and that they had kissed once - last Nov. when they were both drunk. He claimed they were "just friends" and I don't think he would ever have admitted the kiss if I hadn't read about it in an email. Or the coffee dates for that matter. He wanted to keep the story that they were "just friends" in tact. I do now believe that there was only this one kiss b/c the later emails would have suggested or refered to others and they didn't. I trust my gut (but not my H). I guess what I want to say is "yes" it is possible that there was no PA but trust your gut and keep digging for awhile.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Oct 2008
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, November 5th (Wednesday)

I agree that you should trust how you feel and keep digging.

In my FWH's case, he knew he would catch something icky that would make his thingy turn green and fall off so he avoided them on a physical level. This is completely in character for him so I can believe it was strictly EA.

Only you know your husband well enough to judge.


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
JVS3
Member
Member # 20124
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, November 5th (Wednesday)

anniegirl,

it's hard to believe anything else than the worse when they lie. (I actually told my FWH that I could write Hollywood scripts with all that I was imagining).

FWH had at least 2 EA's that I know of. I was convinced that at least one EA was a PA. I had no way of finding out anything more so FWH took polygraph test. It was only then that I could even consider that some of things that he said were true.

One EA was over a 3 month period but was more intense and seemed more likely to have been a PA that the other one that he had had for over a year. So I would say the length of time doesn't necessarily mean that it was a PA.


Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. - Robert Fulghum

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.


Posts: 409 | Registered: Jul 2008
Jade1964dream
Member
Member # 21362
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, November 10th (Monday)

I found a really interesting article. Link is below. What I find most interesting: the characteristics of people who are poachers and poachees.....a lot of truth in my WH and OW case.
http://articles.latimes.com/2008/mar/03/health/he-justfriends3

[This message edited by Jade1964dream at 5:06 PM, November 10th (Monday)]


Jadie

Posts: 588 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Paradise
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, November 10th (Monday)

Hi guys, I havent posted in a few months, but lately many memories have come back to haunt me. Today I remembered when my WH's OW was considering coming to to live here. (she live 600 miles away.) He was very disappointed when she decided no to come back. Worse, was when he got very upset w/ me because I made a sarcastic comment about it. When I said it, he knew I was happy that she wasnt coming back. (I thought they were just friends at the time, but I still didnt want here near). Anyway, the thought of him being so angry w/ me knowing exactly how he felt about her. GRrrr, I feel so stupid. Knowing the way he would gaslight me, I probably apologized to him about it too. God, 1.5 yrs ago and these memories are still so fresh.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
maddiedog
New Member
Member # 21654
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, November 16th (Sunday)

I'm glad I found this forum, it's sad to see it's so needed.

I found the very first inappropriate email sent from the OW who is another teacher in his school sent to my husband at 1:10am after a night of drinking asking him to question his marriage and how he feels when he's with me and how it's more about how he feels than what I expect. After finding it my insticts kicked in and looked though all his emails, the internet history, temporary internet files, printed everything out and then called him out on it.

At first he said that he was discussing our marriage because he wanted to find out how to "make me happy" and needed a woman's perspective. I of course called that a lie and said you have 3 women you could turn to who would want nothing more than to make sure our marriage worked if that is really what you wanted. He wanted someone who would tell him that he's a good person and wanted to give him the attention he doesn't feel he is getting.

I am the primary wage earner in the family so my job is quite demanding in terms of time and has been for over 10 years. We have 2 children, 5 and 2, and he is left with a lot of the after school, early evening child care and while I think ultimately he understands and enjoys it he gets pressure from his male friends on why he is "stuck" with the kids.

I got him to finally admit that this was all about him and had nothing to do with me. I don't think he realized where this could have gone. He identified affair with sex.

I sent an email to the OW, the OW husband (found his email too) and WH stating this communication was inappropriate, that it needed to stop immediately. OW responded saying that I have misinterpreted her intentions and never took responsibilty that what she did was wrong.

My husband has now requested a meeting at his work with their boss to put the relationship details out there and is asking for no other communication other than professional to be had and mostly thru email for documentation.

He is physically upset by what he has put me through as I found out that they have had multiple long conversations about me and my lack of understanding of him and OW lack of understanding from her H. You could see where this was going to go...
He has given me passcodes to all of his work and personal email accounts, he tells me throughout the day if he has had any contact with her with me asking, so I think he is sincere in his realization of what he did was wrong.

My fear now is that I don't know 100% of the truth as he says he has had no PA and the thought had not crossed his mind. I want to believe him but I am having a hard time.

I really hope that I stopped something in its tracks. This only happened 1 week ago but I'm curious at how long it will take to not to check his email at work every hr and not check the interest history every time he gets up from the computer.

I like the quote "EA Sucks".


Posts: 2 | Registered: Nov 2008
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, November 16th (Sunday)

maddiedog,
if I ever stop checking... I'll let you know... been 13 months since NC established but I'm still checking


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
maddiedog
New Member
Member # 21654
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, November 17th (Monday)

Tormented - thanks for the response. It helps to know that you are not alone.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Nov 2008
jolene
Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, November 20th (Thursday)

Belatedly pulling my EA status here. I found out in Oct. that WH indeed was having a PA, which was a kick in the guts for me.

All I want to say is be very, very careful and smart about getting info-- they take it underground so fast it'll make you head spin. I literally had to snoop for almost a year until WH finally fucked up and left his secret email address out in the open.

Nip the EAs in the bud, people, and stat. They're not good news.

Good luck to you all!


Divorced 10/2013! Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
itmoia
Member
Member # 21666
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, November 20th (Thursday)

My W has had 3 EA's. The most recent when I called it an "A" she completely denied that is what it was. It's hard but have come to realize there are things I need to work on - communication - letting her be heard - Being there for her emotionally (which I have tried) but trusting her is and has been difficult. We have in the past dealt with it and let it go until this time, MC, IC both of us, and now I feel she has put our Marriage as the excuse for it all... I have come to a point now that living like this without help cannot go on.... We separated (I left) for a month and have only been home for a week and a half and we are trying to work on things but the "Trust issues" seem to cloud things for me... Something I need to work on. The wall she put up has effected her decisions and really stopped her from sharing... We are trying to rebuild but I do feel stupid for not realizing as well....


me - BS 41
her - WS 43
together 23 yrs, married 4 years
D-day #1 April 1998
D-day #2 Nov 2007
D-day #3 Sep 2008

2 kids 20 & 17

I hope for strength - look for happiness-Trying to Trust-Finding it all difficult but I am not giving up


Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Central mass
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, November 20th (Thursday)

FWH/DH and I are in R after his EA. We just came to a fabulous understanding last night.

When it comes to people outside the marriage...
Friendly, not familiar.

It's simple, straight forward, and easy to remember.

He sees where he erred and slipped and is taking steps to never go there again.

I couldn't feel better right now.

Even so

if I ever stop checking... I'll let you know

Trust but verify.


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
jjjdm
New Member
Member # 21631
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, November 20th (Thursday)

Found out my WH was having an affari my, yep, the phone bill. He had an A with her before we got married. Now 13 years later, he hunts her down and they start off talking and it escalates. I talked with her and she was very forthcoming. turns out I was a topic of conversation and she told him he should work on his married, yet she had not problem entering the bedroom while saying this. It is so hurtful and I don't know how to deal with it sometimes. We are trying to R. WH was gone for a month and wanted to come back, said he'd be willing to do whatever it took. WH has been back now for almost a month and it's almost like he's pretending it never happened. Obviously very uncomfortable when I have questions. He doesn't understand that I need to know things even though they are hurtful. It hurts so much that he went and found someone from his past and obviously made some sort of impact on him. I feel like he's with me and the kids just because he feels bad. He's not fullfilling his promise with the counseling. Don't know what to do. I'm going for myself which is helping. Try to keep myself busy so I don't dwell.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Nov 2008
UnbearablySadd
Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, November 21st (Friday)

yet she had not problem entering the bedroom while saying this. It is so hurtful

Sorry, JJ, that is so hard. I think that is your H slept with OW it is not an EA (emotional affair) it is a PA (physical affair).

Warmly,


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
me+6
Member
Member # 15035
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, November 23rd (Sunday)

My WH has admitted to at several EA's over the course of our marriage. Almost 2 years ago an EA turned into a PA.

Well I thought we got through that PA and that the devistation to our family was enough that he would never do that to us again.

In Sept I find many texts to a different OW and one text that says I love you. He finally admitted it.

Oct i find texts to our SIL (his brothers wife) that have been going on for a week.

I am not sure he can ever not be too friendly with woman. I am not sure I can ever go to a party, wedding, school function, without thinking he is looking for his next "soul mate."

I know his self-esteem is in serious question, guess what mine is too now!

Do people ever really change?
He may never have another full blown PA but I am not sure if can ever stay away from the ea's.


me-36 WH-37
Married 16 years together 18
6 children (5,7,8,12,14,16)
DDay - March 4th 2007
DDay #2 September 13, 2008 EA
Separated Oct 24, 2008
7/1/09 He is coming home!
Beginning to R

Posts: 694 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: East Coast
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, December 8th (Monday)

he was discussing our marriage because he wanted to find out how to "make me happy" and needed a woman's perspective.

This is about word for word what my husband told me. I call them 1, 2, and 3, but the fact is, he apparently never got as far as discussing our marriage with 3, BUT... there were other women with whom he also discussed our marriage. As far as I can tell, every single one of them was about them assuring him I'm awful (not that they ever met me or heard the whole story), and that he's a great guy.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, December 16th (Tuesday)

I am so glad that the mods started the EA thread. Unfortunately, I was unable to partake in it until now because I was laid off on April 1, and had no computer until about a month ago.

My FWH and I are reconciled, but I just wanted to say to all of you who are still going through this mess that I am very sorry for your pain and I pray that for those who are still trying to reconcile that your WS gets out of the fog and back into the real world. And for those who will not be reconciling, big hugs to you and I pray that you will find peace and happiness in your life.

You’ll see my d-days below and you’re more than welcome to read my profile (cause it’s long). In other words, I’m not coming into this forum saying, “woo-hoo! All is well and it was so easy and he was such a good boy and he did NC right away and blah blah blah....” – it was hell and it took a long time to get to where we are today. He had a lot to learn (and had to do it through MC/IC because I could not get through to him – he honestly believed that he and the OWs were “just friends” because there was no sex) – he had to learn to establish boundaries – that was a BIG one and one he didn’t want to come to terms with for quite awhile. He thought I was trying to change who he was.

FWH’s “great escape” as I call it – 2 EAs – happened at different times but both when our lives were in crisis. So he caught the KISA bug – yes, both OW were damsels in distress – I prefer to call it, “I am a damsel in distress so I want to put another damsel in distress because goodness knows I want to share the pain.” – sorry, no witty acronym for that one! Both knew he was married. One was my friend.

Have I forgiven him? Yes. I had to or I would not be able to truly reconcile and have peace in my soul. Have I forgotten? Hell no. In one sense, the M is stronger because through IC/MC both of us addressed and tackled many issues that we both had (from childhood mostly). In the other sense, I will always have some little blip in the recesses of my mind that will remind me that I need to always be “on alert” to some degree.

Again, thank you to the mods (even though this thank you is coming eight months from the start of this thread) – this EA thing is obviously more of a problem than I realized. And I also see it is more prevalent among the 35-plus age group who have been married for 15+ years (I am not discounting the younger group’s pain – just looking at the stats on SI).

Hugs and peace to all,

Lala


Me - 51; FWH - 53
Married 33 years 9/2/16
2 grown daughters-32 & 28
6yo GS,3yo GD & 1yo. GD (DD32) and 4 yo GD & baby on the way 7/16(DD28). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5509 | Registered: May 2007
destroyedw
Member
Member # 20528
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, December 16th (Tuesday)

And I also see it is more prevalent among the 35-plus age group who have been married for 15+ years (I am not discounting the younger group’s pain – just looking at the stats on SI)

I would love to see the stats here, but I have noticed that something happens approaching 40 and some individuals just end up throwing away years of fidelity for the mirage of "affair love"


Me: BH (41)
Her: WW (41)
Married: 17 years
Together: 21 years
DDay: 8/2008
DS:13 DD:11
Status: D filed 2/2009 - moved out 3/2009

Posts: 208 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Philadelphia
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, December 16th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry; I misused the word "stats" - I meant the majority of what *I* see (the ages and length of time together at the bottom of the posts).

I don't understand the midlife thing myself. I could never do to him what he did to me. Not even a revenge A (which he swore I would do). It never crossed my mind. I just cannot fathom causing another person pain like that, especially someone you love so much. *Sigh*


Me - 51; FWH - 53
Married 33 years 9/2/16
2 grown daughters-32 & 28
6yo GS,3yo GD & 1yo. GD (DD32) and 4 yo GD & baby on the way 7/16(DD28). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5509 | Registered: May 2007
destroyedw
Member
Member # 20528
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, December 16th (Tuesday)

Lala

agree the stats would be difficult to calculate, but the overwhelming impression is that around 40, the infidelity potential goes through the roof.


Me: BH (41)
Her: WW (41)
Married: 17 years
Together: 21 years
DDay: 8/2008
DS:13 DD:11
Status: D filed 2/2009 - moved out 3/2009

Posts: 208 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Philadelphia
hurtbutstrong
Member
Member # 21830
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, December 16th (Tuesday)

I have wondered about the whole turning 40 or being around 40 thing. My WH turned 40 this year. I just found out my cousin who just turned 40 this month has been cheating on his wife. It just makes you go, "hmmm, what up with that?" I have read a lot about mid-life crisis. I don't want to use it as an excuse but a lot of what I have read fits my WH to a T.

My WH started off his EA through the internet. They communicate a lot through the internet and then through the cellphone she bought WH. WH is on the 2nd one...I broke the 1st one I found....but I'm unsure if they have ever met. My WH states they never did but I just don't know if I believe that.

I feel like I have a double A to deal with...an EA and an internet A. Sometimes I just don't know how to categorize it.


BS-39
XH-41
DS-10

Posts: 296 | Registered: Nov 2008
JVS3
Member
Member # 20124
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, December 16th (Tuesday)

Lalagirl, just reading your profile and except for the actual situations, your story could be mine (DD also became pregnant and miscarried during this time).

FWH also had 2 EA's which started out as KISA/paternal and he too would not recognise EA's until MC validated it. Even after finally acknowledging EA's, still didn't think it was that big a deal as there had been no sex (he did a polygraph).

OW1, I didn't even know about (lies of ommission) until after confronting him regarding deliberately lying/deceiving me about OW2. Both were damsels in distress who "only" wanted to talk about their problems, needed help financially, emotionally, etc. FWH, of course, felt underappreciated and needed their attention to stroke his ego.

We're also reconciled but still some struggles (9 mths since D-day - Mar 08). The next three months will be really hard as this is when the EA with OW2 occured (lots of triggering dates plus our anniversary in February).

Don't know about the stats but we've been married 29+ years (I'm 47 and FWH is 52).


Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. - Robert Fulghum

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.


Posts: 409 | Registered: Jul 2008
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, December 17th (Wednesday)

JVS,

First, let me say that I am so sorry your daughter had a MC – my prayers go out to her that one day she will have a baby. I know the toll it takes on her, as well as you being her mother. You just want to make it all better.

OMG, are you sure we’re not in a parallel universe??? That is just too uncanny. And sad.

Yes, your d-days are still very fresh and the triggers will happen. I used to be trigger queen. It was just so hard because both OW (even though I didn’t know OW #1) live close to us and just going to our local hangouts (he would go with them alone back during the As) would mess me up. Especially since I knew that other people knew that I was not there with FWH yet he’s chatting it up with OWs. It made me feel like they were thinking, “Oh poor Lala; she doesn’t know a thing….” It was humiliating and I HATE pity. Plus knowing OW #1 could be right in front of my face and I wouldn’t even know it made me sick. And running into OW #2 would make me sick. But now I don’t care anymore. She is no threat to me or my M. FWH does realize what a train wreck she is and knows what SHE was up to, even though “those” thoughts were farthest from his mind. And it makes him sick. He also now understands what it did to the M – it took away so much – that’s the part he needed to “get” and take the necessary steps to help me heal.

I know just what you mean about the ego-stroking – he doesn’t seem to need that so much anymore – as the counselor put it, he did not know how to soothe himself emotionally so he had to look to others because people who are that emotionally needy cannot get enough attention from one person. They need to always be validated. So now he has guy friends who make perfect sounding boards – it’s so funny – they yap like a bunch of women…LOL…but it’s perfectly fine with me!

MC/IC and TIME is what helped. I know, the four-letter word…but it is true. Especially if your FWH is doing his part to help rectify the situation and help you heal. I pick my battles; one of them was NC…period. And no more “friendships” with females (except our DDs of course because my DD’s are FWH’s best friends, and mine too.)

Hugs to you – I know your pain and I promise it will get better.

Lala


Me - 51; FWH - 53
Married 33 years 9/2/16
2 grown daughters-32 & 28
6yo GS,3yo GD & 1yo. GD (DD32) and 4 yo GD & baby on the way 7/16(DD28). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5509 | Registered: May 2007
Star727
Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, December 17th (Wednesday)

My H of 22 years is currently having an EA with a coworker and I'm pretty sure its been going on for at 5 years. All three of us work at the same place. All these years, the OW speaks to me and is friendly, all the while she's been with my H.

D-Day came in July 2008 from cell phone detailed billing. When I confronted H, he says he never had sex with OW, they were "just friends" and he will stop talking to her.

He stopped talking to her on our family plan cell phone because he bought a prepaid phone and I found his hiding place. Every now and then he forgets to delete all calls and when he's in the bathroom, I look at it. Dec 2 he called OW (work, cell and home number were called). He really wanted to talk to her.

Two years ago he had prostate cancer surgery so sex for him is a lot less than it used to be but I'll bet money they had a PA before the surgery. He claims they haven't.

H is angry with me because every so often in conversation I bring up his EA. I want him to tell me to my face that he is not talking to OW. I know he is lying when he says he's not, but I enjoy how upset he gets when we talk about it.

He knows that if I find concrete proof that they are still conversating with each other, that spells DIVORCE and he claims he doesnt want one.

I think he is in love with the OW and does not know how to get out of it. He's in a total fog right now. I do not think the OW will let him move in with her because she's one of those "good time" girls who likes other people's men but not to move in with her.

I feel like he is with me because its convenient, and comfortable but I don't want to make permanent moves yet until I have absolute proof that they are still together.

I ordered a Zoombak GPS to put in the car. That will give me the concrete proof that he is still seeing her.

I'm doing the 180 right now and he's noticing something different about me. I've been asking how to do certain things around the house that he normally does. He shows me but he keeps asking why do I need to know that. I said because I've gotten too dependent on him and its time I stepped up and did things on my own. He looks at me funny whenever I say that.

So, I'm saving money, learning how to (change furnace filter, rod out the bath tub, jump start the car, this summer I had him teach me how to use the lawn mower). Eventually, I'll be able to tell him to "get to steppin". I dont care where he goes but he will have to get the f#$% out of my house.


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, December 17th (Wednesday)

she's one of those "good time" girls who likes other people's men

Wow, Star; sounds like my FWH's ex-OW. He never thought of moving in with her, but he sure as hell did enough work around her house (divorced, damsel in distress....you know the deal)...and she loves to snag married men. She was married herself when she snagged her first one and her XH ran for the hills.

I'm sorry you're going through this - I know you're hurting and I'm not trying to make light of your situation at all. You're doing the right thing - 180 and all. You can do this. We are here to help/listen, whatever you need.

Hugs,

Lala


Me - 51; FWH - 53
Married 33 years 9/2/16
2 grown daughters-32 & 28
6yo GS,3yo GD & 1yo. GD (DD32) and 4 yo GD & baby on the way 7/16(DD28). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5509 | Registered: May 2007
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, December 19th (Friday)

I just know one or both of the OW are going to call WH in the next 2 weeks "just to say Merry Christmas" and see how he's doing. He was heavy in the EAs this time last year and they exchanged lots of disgusting Christmas jokes and texts during the weeks he was home with us. This is our first Christmas since and I know the holiday will make them think of him.

I told him they would call on Thanksgiving. He poo-pood me. Young OW called like I said. He got rid of her because I was right there. I fear next time she will call him when she thinks he is at work or I am asleep. (They had a lot of midnight talks during EA.) She knows when to call him to avoid me, they did it for months.

Young OW is pregnant with her current BF's baby. (My sis checks her MySpace for me) Old OW is the grandma-to-be. I know they want to chat with FWH and tell him their exciting news.

I'm nervous that one of the calls will get through to him when he is away from me and that he will chat with them and/or hide it from me. Even if he restates NC to them and hangs up, they will be on his mind again.

I just feel crappy having this hang over my head. He has been totally NC and so good to me since Sept. Still I feel crappy. I hate even thinking that those be-otches are reminiscing about last year with him.


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, December 19th (Friday)

Reluctant,

I had the same exact problem during the holidays with OW #2 -- any holiday, birthday..."just to say Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy Freaking Arbor Day" - any excuse to text him. It's annoying and it's a nasty trigger.

And I did not being poo-poohed either - that's discounting my feelings and I let FWH know I did not like it.

First of all, your WH does not have time for this dramafest going on with this mother/daughter thing. Has he been to IC/MC? I'm only asking because (in my case), that's what it took to get my FWH out of the fog. (You can read my profile if you want - it's kinda long, but a similar situation in that your WH has been bitten by the KISA bug! Mine was the same way..."Poor OW needs this fixed and doesn't have anyone to help and she has kids and blah blah frickedy blah...." I feel your pain honey.

But with the right tools, things can get better - I hate to push the counseling thing, but without it I think I would have divorced him.

Hugs to you,

Lala


Me - 51; FWH - 53
Married 33 years 9/2/16
2 grown daughters-32 & 28
6yo GS,3yo GD & 1yo. GD (DD32) and 4 yo GD & baby on the way 7/16(DD28). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5509 | Registered: May 2007
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, December 19th (Friday)

IC/MC are completely out of the question for us. No money, no insurance, and thanks to MIL, my FWH is scarred for life when it comes to family counseling and flatly refuses to go.

I'm so wishing that they do send a middle of the night text to FWH. He is at home right now and sleeps in a different room from his phone charger. Since dday I've developed a habit of listening for the tell-tale ding and I hope to get to the text first. DELETE!

This whole KISA thing is so nerve wracking. On one hand, I don't have the aweful PA to deal with. On the other, he still insists it was just a friendship that was "a little too close" and he "wonders how they are doing." All in all, he has been great and he did dump them like a sack of potatoes when he saw what a raging pain I was in by the 3rd dday. I always wonder if his nice-guy ways are gonna put me in this situation again some day.

I'm the hall monitor now at our house. I live by the phrase Trust but Verify.


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, December 21st (Sunday)

Hi,
I have a question for all me fellow EAers. I know what the answer is, but I want your thoughts. If your read my profile, you will see that my WH has always had female friends he would talk to, all the time and in front of me. Well when I found out about the EA w/ one of them, he pretty much stopped all communication w/ most of them. He still keeps in touch w/ an old high school friend. (not girlfriend). Its not as often as it was pre dday, but they do text back and forth and maybe once or twice a month, (from the cell phone bill) I know they talk for about 40min. I dont like her. She has been married a few times, is now divorced,and Im sure she shares personal stuff w/him. Which of course can turn into another EA. Im not sure how to approach this, since I have let it go on. What should I do?


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, December 22nd (Monday)

but they do text back and forth and maybe once or twice a month, (from the cell phone bill) I know they talk for about 40min

First thought, if you only know of the texts and calls from the cell bill, and he is not the one telling you about them, then he thinks he is hiding it from you. Any time he doesn't tell you about the text/call, he is ommitting the truth.

She has been married a few times, is now divorced

Not knowing why she is divorced, it still seems she has a different view of marriage as you. Looks like she thinks it's ok to switch partners now and then. Not good for your H.

Affairs, even EAs, forever change the nature of relationships WSs are allowed to have.

My FWH has an old school friend. They haven't talked for a decade but he remembers her fondly and if she called he would jump right into friendship with her again. I've know her for all the time I've known him and she is nice to me. She dated and was married to one of his friends and I always thought she was "safe" for him and us. Here is the kicker - I found out 2 months ago that he had sex with her 2 times. He never told me before. Old friends who are not old girlfriends could still have been sex-buddies. I won't accept her back into our lives ever again because they have crossed the sex line before and could do it easily again.


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, December 22nd (Monday)

I'm so wishing that they do send a middle of the night text to FWH. He is at home right now and sleeps in a different room from his phone charger. Since dday I've developed a habit of listening for the tell-tale ding and I hope to get to the text first. DELETE!

Wow...I used to do the exact same thing. I cannot count how many texts I deleted and then she'd get all pissed off at him because he wasn't answering her. My DD (she was still living at home) would delete them too!

Something my counselor told me (and I'm sorry you do not have the means for it) was that it could happen again. So he needed to establish boundaries to ensure it did not. So now he has no female friends. It just cannot happen. Besides, we have enough going on in our lives and he doesn't have time for that. We have "couple" friends.
Any single friends are mutual friends (they come over or we go over as a couple - no one-on-one socializing).

You say the "terrible PA thing" - yes it is terrible, but I think (and this is JMHO) that the EAs were more devastating to me because of all of the emotional energy and love that he gave to someone else. I felt so abandoned and screwed over. So never discount your feelings because it was "just an EA" - you have every right to feel as you do and you're doing the right thing. Trust but verify.

Hugs,
Lala


Me - 51; FWH - 53
Married 33 years 9/2/16
2 grown daughters-32 & 28
6yo GS,3yo GD & 1yo. GD (DD32) and 4 yo GD & baby on the way 7/16(DD28). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5509 | Registered: May 2007
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, December 29th (Monday)

Shock, Shock, Shock! Neither OW contacted him for Christmas.

I hate to be mean, but here I go. The older OW is/was injured and sick the last time he heard from them. It's a long term injury/incurable illness and I'm thinking she is too wrapped up in her own pain to tramp around. Whatever keeps her home is fine with me.

The younger OW must have been scared away when he told her NC last time. I continue to insist this is proof of her guilt. A regular friend would question NC and wonder why. This little b**** ran with her tail between her legs because she knew she was in my territory.

Doing the happy dance.

Still vigilant in case New Year's brings them out. Then I'm home free!


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, December 29th (Monday)

WOW! Dance away darlin! Guess they finally get it!!

Get THIS - OW texted MY CELL PHONE on Christmas..."Merry Christmas to All..." (no, she didn't say, "and to all a good night)

Okaaaaaaaay. I didn't know she even had my number anymore. She didn't text FWH (cause when I saw my phone, I checked his right away - he was still in bed -no calls/texts or messages).

I deleted it. Does she think I'm impressed that she only contacted me?

That OW is definitely a couple fries short of a Happy Meal, KWIM?


Me - 51; FWH - 53
Married 33 years 9/2/16
2 grown daughters-32 & 28
6yo GS,3yo GD & 1yo. GD (DD32) and 4 yo GD & baby on the way 7/16(DD28). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5509 | Registered: May 2007
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, December 30th (Tuesday)

That OW is definitely a couple fries short of a Happy Meal, KWIM?

Are you saying her hampster wheel is spinning but there is no hampster at home?

Maybe it's her way of trying to be "friends" with both of you to get info on your M.


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, December 30th (Tuesday)

I'm sure it is. Fishing. I'm not biting. Her worms are toxic.

FWH and I ran into her a couple of months ago - and it was kinda cool because first off, it didn't bother me...she was drunk, haggard looking and just as pathetic as always. Second, I relished in telling her that FWH and I are expecting our first grandbaby. Then he and I said bye-bye and got up to dance. She left. Boo hoo.

It's MY turn now!! My turn to feel confident, happy and loved. I like it!


Me - 51; FWH - 53
Married 33 years 9/2/16
2 grown daughters-32 & 28
6yo GS,3yo GD & 1yo. GD (DD32) and 4 yo GD & baby on the way 7/16(DD28). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5509 | Registered: May 2007
what future?
New Member
Member # 22151
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, December 30th (Tuesday)

EA's hurt the heart so deeply. I found out on 12/1 about my H's EA, after lot's of tears from us both he swore it was over. Of course I was very diligint in checking, installed software on the computer, that is where they met. Found more evidence and confronted on 12/23. Made him send an "it's over email" on xmas eve morning. Actually I wrote it but signed his name. He swears he never used his cell phone, I still don't beleive that one, that he only used a pay phone. After last week I told him he has 2 choices, me or her. He states he is choosing me, am having a hard time letting him out of the house. He went to visit his dad a little while ago and boy did it set off triggers!! I was a wreck the whole time( almost 2 hours) that he was gone. I want to R and so he says also. My imagination of what was said is driving me crazy. He is not ready/won't tell me/ says he does not remember. I say BS, he does remember and not telling me is worse than the truth. I thought he was my best friend. We have been married over 15 years. Thanks to all for listening.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: SC
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, December 30th (Tuesday)

((((((whatfuture))))))

Honey, I'm so sorry. God, this just happened to you and during the holidays no less (been there). I know how much it hurts. If (and only if) your WH is willing to do everything that you need him to do to help you heal, with time...it will get better.

He's still clearly in the fog. Very much so. If you're interested, read my profile - it was a long, arduous journey but we made it.

And please, please always remember, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! So many times they will say, "you weren't there for me," "you haven't been affectionate," etc....and although there may be truth in how they felt, it does not justify an A of ANY kind.

Lots of hugs to you - please let us know how you're doing and feel free to PM me if you want.

Hugs,

Lala


Me - 51; FWH - 53
Married 33 years 9/2/16
2 grown daughters-32 & 28
6yo GS,3yo GD & 1yo. GD (DD32) and 4 yo GD & baby on the way 7/16(DD28). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5509 | Registered: May 2007
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, December 30th (Tuesday)

whatfuture, I just read your profile - I got the "just get over it" too - because no sex = no A. BULL. Your FWH needs to come to grips with that too.

OK...I'm done.

Hugs.


Me - 51; FWH - 53
Married 33 years 9/2/16
2 grown daughters-32 & 28
6yo GS,3yo GD & 1yo. GD (DD32) and 4 yo GD & baby on the way 7/16(DD28). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5509 | Registered: May 2007
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, December 31st (Wednesday)

((whatfuture))
EAs do hurt. They hurt a lot. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

My H thought that once he said he wouldn't talk to them anymore I should get over it and be find also. He questioned whether I was dedicated to him?!

Your H has taken something very special, emotional intimacy and emotional energy (of which non of our husbands seem to have much to spare), and spent it outside of your marriage. He can't see that right now. You are not crazy.

Have you gotten ahold of all the phone records? Most cell companies have them for up to a year. Make sure you can verify on paper what he is saying.

I know how you were feeling when he left the house. I could barely let mine out of the same room as me. I was checking his on-line cell phone account every hour during the day to see who he was talking to.

You are in a terrible painful crazy time. Come talk some more. It helps.


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
what future?
New Member
Member # 22151
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, December 31st (Wednesday)

(( reluctant ))
Thanks for the support. I talked to cell phone co right away and also checked acct on line, there are numerous calls to "no caller id" placed FROM my H's phone, the most they can tell me is it is one of 2 things, either a called made with a calling card or a call made to 1 number that was transferred to another number. They state the only way they can get the actual call info is with a police report alleging something illegal was going on. I want to know what those calls are, H swears they are not calls to her even after I told him the police are investigating. But he also told me that after I first found out on 12/1 that it was over and he continued to call her (from pay phone he says) and emailed her twice. So...
Am I nuts to want to fight so hard? He has always been such a stand up kinda guy, he saw the world as black and white, always had a very strong sense of right and wrong. I feel there has been no contact since 12/23, not that I can find anyway. He has not been out of my sight except for yesterday since 12/23. I want him to recommit to me tomorrow, I must be out of my mind. I can't forgive yet, and I don't know when I will begin to trust again.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: SC
iamtrying
Member
Member # 20952
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, January 14th (Wednesday)

I learned in Nov that my husband's EA lasted over four years instead of the year and half as I previously thought. I often wonder if he misses talking to her. They talked mostly on their cell phones. I have been checking his cell phone records each month since D-Day and there are no more phone calls, but she has his work number. He said he would never talk to her again but I'm not naive like I was before.


BS (Me): 41 years old
WS (Him): 55 years old
Marriage: 8 years; together 12 years
Status: Reconciling

Posts: 56 | Registered: Sep 2008
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, January 15th (Thursday)

iamtrying
it's hard to find out the length of time a WS gives to the OP. So sorry. You didn't say how recently you found out. Was it just now?

I'll never again be supportive of the secrecy cell phone technology has given to married people. I told FWH that I had a bad feeling years ago when we went to separate phone #s and e-mail addresses. Just felt weird then. Now I know the damage it can do.

Are you at peace about him not talking to her anymore or do you suspect he has gone underground? How is R going?


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, February 7th (Saturday)

I posted this on reconciliation, and now here, because I need advice. I guess I know what I need to do, but just need some encouragement I guess.
Here goes...


I read an email he sent to one of his "girl" friends. At first he seemed to be just catching up w/ her. He had stopped talking or emailing her since dday. (this isnt OW, but one of his many "friends.") Anyway, they exchanged a few emails and now he is telling her to call him and for her number. Is he getting to comfortable again? Does he think he can go back to the way it was? He isnt hiding it from me. He knows I can get into his email, but yet he hasnt discussed it w/ me either. What the hell do I do? Im sorry, just upset.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, February 7th (Saturday)

(((((2yrs)))))

Oh boy. I know the feeling...here we go again.

He's losing grip of the boundaries that were set. They need to be re-estblished. NOW. It's time to sit down with him and tell him what you saw and that you are not comfortable with it. There is no room for another woman in your M. It is fragile - and you are still in the healing process.

And this is NOT a 2x4...just a wake up call - if he's not telling you he's contacting other women for whatever reason - he's hiding. He's just in a comfort zone now where he thinks you trust him and you're not checking up on him. And I'm not saying he's in another A - I'm saying that he's standing atop the slippery slope and one gust of wind could send him right down it again. That's why it's so important to deal with this honestly and frankly and NOW.

I know how you feel - I had to go through it with FWH a few times before he finally got the message because he saw no harm in being friends with these women. I did and for damned good reason. I was not about to go through this hell again and I let him know.

Please keep us posted (or PM me if you want to) - and keep your head up. Nip this in the bud. Don't let it slip because you think he's going to think you are being overly jealous. You've been there done that. You know better.

Big hugs,
Lala


Me - 51; FWH - 53
Married 33 years 9/2/16
2 grown daughters-32 & 28
6yo GS,3yo GD & 1yo. GD (DD32) and 4 yo GD & baby on the way 7/16(DD28). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5509 | Registered: May 2007
doxiemom
Member
Member # 22537
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, February 7th (Saturday)

My STBXWH and I are now seperated, he had an online/text/phone/im affair. I was totally blindsided by this as I *thought* we had a ok marraige, sure there were things we could both work on but I would have bet money he would NEVER do that to me and esp because he was an official in his church and was the lay preacher as well.
Well due to HIS actions it has made me really look at our marraige and really listen to family and friends who all say mostly the same thing and that is he has been verbally and mentally abusing me for years, but I got so used to it I didnt hear him any more when he did it.
So I am now working on taking control back of my life. I know none of this is going to be easy but I dont have much of a choice. He had the affair, he walked out he said that there is nothing to work on and that we have nothing to try to keep.
I feel diffrently, but I can only work on changing me and what I do have control over. Part of the problem is I am disabled and have not been able to work for 4 years and supporting myself with SSD and what I get from him for support will be impossible. So I am looking for a PT jb I can do as well as somewhere that will let me rent with my 3 dogs. He is of course making lots of promises, but untill it happens I wont believe him.

My question is when you have a spouse who had a EA and was on the computer as much as he was how do you ever not let the computer become a trigger for you in other relationships?
I have NO plans to look for someone else as I still love him even tho I dont like him or respect him, but I am also sure that with his lies about it as well as breaking our marraige vows I can not trust him ever again and I am pretty sure he will be wanting it all finalized ASAP. I am trying to get the seperation agreement done ASAP as that benefits me but then he gets to run the ball regarding the divorce.
I am just thinking that I will never be able to fully trust a man who spends LOTS of time on a computer/xbox instead of time with me.
Needless to say at 33 this isnt how I expected life to be, and I am grieving for my marraige, the thought of not having a child, of losing my home, and the future I thought we would have.
And sadly with all the stess of this it has made my health 10x worse and he could care less, his only concern is what are the bills and how are the dogs. I am just so mad that he gave up on me, and that is one of the many reasons I am working to get control back as I know I should not allow his words and thoughts to dictce what I think and do, and I need to become the strong independant woman I was 10 years ago, but dang it is hard.
Thanks for listending and if any one can help with my ? I am most thankful.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jan 2009
reallylost
Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, February 9th (Monday)

I haven't been here in months..my wh was caught by me and a keylogger when I thought we were reconciling..first of all I am like most of you..I was totally devoted to my xwh and thought he was even more devoted to me. It was shocking the magnitude of the hurt and betrayal I felt and still struggle with daily..on 2nd dday he walked away from me and our daughter and my other two children after 15 years together. I can't seem to get over this at all ..i have lost 40 pounds, about to lose my house...just lost my job 3 weeks ago and I don't know where to go or what to do..i can't tell my family ..who all live away from here and all of my friends are tired of seeing me like this..I can't fail my children..how can I get over this..he is gone and seems happy...it wasn't about leaving us for another woman ..it was all the women he could flirt with and have cyber relationships with and a few real ones now too.
God, I just want the paing to stop!


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, February 18th (Wednesday)

doxiemom,
My question is when you have a spouse who had a EA and was on the computer as much as he was how do you ever not let the computer become a trigger for you in other relationships?

Good question. You are not alone. The computer (or phone) is the medium of pain for us. It is hard. FWH and I are R and the computer and phone still trigger me every day. I guess it is getting better. I don't check so much anymore. It's getting boring to be honest because there is nothing there.

I don't think I'm out far enough from dday to give you an answer, but I wanted you to know we are all listening.


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
reluctant
Member
Member # 21124
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, February 18th (Wednesday)

reallylost

So terrible when WS chases the fantasy. You are having a really tough go of it right now. Hugs to you.

Why can't you tell your family? You need support right now. Do they even know you are divorced? If so, haven't they asked why? You don't have to hide his stupid, dirty secret. You didn't do anything wrong and you needn't feel ashamed.

Do you have anyone who can help you process the hurt and betrayal? Maybe a minister, since I see you are also in money troubles. You really need face time with someone who cares.


Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2008
sofresh
Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, February 18th (Wednesday)

What was an emotional affair for me after D day became a PA...I DON"T GET IT...I am sure this is very rare but does anyone know what this is like...I guess she know she doesn't want a relationship now...and he's still in the fog and doesn't know what to do!!!!!!!!
I can't talk with him, but I want hiw to stop demonizing me and see that I can be as caring as her I am trying to make "love deposits".
But we've agreed he has to live somewhere else.


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
nova18
Member
Member # 23177
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, March 11th (Wednesday)

I guess I don't have to tell anyone on this thread that there is no such thing as an emotional affair that is only an emotional affair. An emotional affair is just extended verbal foreplay to a sexual affair. When I discovered evidence of what I thought was my husband's emotional affair, I became physically and psychologically devastated. Just the thought of him discussing my shortcomings as a wife,his buying things for her, talking about things that he only talked about when we were dating--all those things depressed me to the point that I had to see a therapist and go on a regimen of antidepressants.
That was almost 4 years ago. After suffering lies about what else they did, and getting a few trickle truths, we decided to try to reconcile and I thought we were making progress.Fast forward to one month ago. My unresolved demons made me go to his computer while he was at a meeting and play around with the mouse until I located some of his documents. I had no idea what I would find, so i just clicked on one harmless document after another until something strange caught my eye. It was a copy of an e-mail that he had apparently sent to her during their so-called "emotional" affair. Why he saved the copy,I don't know;I guess God in his infinite wisdom decided that it was time to stop him from making a fool fo me. The contents of the e-mail suggested that they has been sleeping together, and that he was even going to find a place where they could do their nasty thing without being caught. If you have ever heard, felt, or imagine seeing your heart beating in your chest, them you know what seeing these words meant. I wanted to print the letter to show him when he got home, but the printer wouldn't work, so I just sat in front of the screen for about 20 minutes until he came home. You wouldn't believe how he tried to lie and explain the e-mail, but I told him to cut the bullshit and just for once in his disgusting, depraved life tell the truth.
He did,the PA did happen during the supposed EA--so he lied from jump street about not screwing the skank.
It was then, that I decided that R was out of the question, and asked him for a divorce. For the first time in his lowdown life, I believed he really understood what he would lose if I divorced him, so he begged forgiveness and asked me to remember how long we had been together(30+years) no less. I told him being together that long did not stop him from screwing the skank so why should it stop me from leaving his ass? I decided to let him stay, but he is having hell to pay for lying to me and thinking he could get away with it. I don't love him, he probably knows it, but the alternative(having his dirty laundry aired in the town) is something that would literally destroy him. So folks, if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...


Me: BS
Him:Sociopath/narcissist who specialized in going after divorcees willing to sleep with a married man

Posts: 170 | Registered: Mar 2009
snowboardgirl
New Member
Member # 23194
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 11th (Wednesday)

Oh wow, I'm glad there is a thread on this board addressing this issue.
A little background, things have been tough for me personally for the last eight months. I lost my job, which was really a blow to my self-esteem. In the last two weeks or so, I've done things to make myself feel better such as doing work around the house, working out, going snowboarding, ect. I've even lost weight which makes me feel even better.

The OW is WH's co-worker. I know her and we've done things together. We still do things together. In the last few months, they have texted back and fourth too much. Sometimes as much as 50 times. I told him I thought this was excessive. He says it is all professional and he'll cut down. The texts aren't as excessive now, however, I am still suspicious. I know they have gone to dinner at least three times and numerous lunches. I asked him why he hangs out with her so much, he says "we are good friends".

She's also in a relationship. Her husband is in the army reserves and isn't around much from what I understand. She admitted to my WH that she's having trouble in her own marriage. That raised a huge red flag to me. While out with his co-workers last week, it came out how frustrated he was at work, and I was concerned. I had no idea.

As for now, I'm keeping my eyes open. He still says he loves me, shows affection, ect. Some days it seems like he's not there. He doesn't confide in me much anymore. It hurts. I'm just focusing on myself and trying not to worry so much :(


Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2009
nova18
Member
Member # 23177
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 13th (Friday)

to 2yrs in the dark;
read my post(nova18) It is self explanatory. What you need to do is look for evidence; it took me all of none months to find out about the EA and three yrs. to find out it was also a PA. Check his computer or get a device or someone you can trust to "hack" into his e-mail;look for pictures(myWS was such acamera buff, he took digital pictures of the skank(not porno types0 but pics of her on the job, at some after school function, and finally at her house where she and daughter skank gave him surprise birthday party (I wasn't invited) All of this was transferred to a Cd that I FOUND in his junk drawer and put in my laptop and viewed. Does anyone need the help of an up and comingPI? I can find a needle in a haystack


Me: BS
Him:Sociopath/narcissist who specialized in going after divorcees willing to sleep with a married man

Posts: 170 | Registered: Mar 2009
rivergirl81
Member
Member # 22899
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, March 24th (Tuesday)

Glad to have found this thread. I caught my WH by using a voice-activated recorder under his car seat. Found conversations in which he tells her to "think about what they have," "I love you TOO," "be careful, honey," (on her way to work as I drive off on icy roads with daughter).....In one he makes fun of me and tells her how much he hates coming back to the "cell" (our home). Talk about a kick in the gut. He met her at the gym while I was working a second job to pay college tuition for oldest child. Jeez! WH swears that they "haven't had sex" so therefore he's innocent. And his anger!! OMG - he gets furious when I bring it up. I have had to go on antidepressants, and am strong for the most part, but every so often I just lose it, want to stay in bed all day and let life go on without me.


BW (me) = 51
WH (him)= 52
together 22 years
2 children - 21, 17
D-Day = February 3, 2009
His mid-life crisis turned him into a needy, pathetic stranger
Divorced 12/09

Posts: 116 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: the South
lonelyheart80
New Member
Member # 23299
Suspicious  Posted: 1:28 PM, March 24th (Tuesday)

I am officially apart of the EA group....for now!Found out a month ago...and there have been a lot of bumps in this road. I found e-mails and phone records and even contacted the OW. I think she was sugar coating everything to save her butt and his!!! We are trying to work through this. This is hard and the WORST!!! I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone! IT HURTS AND MAKES U FEEL SELF-WORTHLESS. I hope the shoe (PA) doesn't drop, because if it does...IT IS OVER, NO EXCEPTIONS!!! I HATE HIM FOR THIS!!!! My story is on my profile....


lonelyheart80

Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: north carolina
lotus1
Member
Member # 22763
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, March 24th (Tuesday)

My FWH's A started with a PA which was brief. Only lasted through the month of April 08. Then due to suspicions by Skank Ho's BH and her losing her job (she worked with FWH), they no longer had access to each other daily.

I will say this, the PA was hurtful but the EA was devastating! The crap that I had to read between the two of them during their EA, was incredibly painful! I read things that FWH wrote to her adnauseum that he rarely if ever said to me. Then to know that they e-mailed each other dozens of times a day was also hurtful..

I can so relate to the pain of an EA but I did also have to deal with the details of the PA.

(((hugs))) to you all. Lotus1


Posts: 161 | Registered: Feb 2009
peanut
New Member
Member # 23407
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, March 28th (Saturday)

Hi, I was here a year ago..we went to counseling, he went on medication, transparency and honesty was promised. He was doing all the right things. My father became ill and I had to move 3 months ago, a couple thousand miles away to take care of him. Husband cannot not come with me right away except for visits, due to work and adult step-children in school. He started accusing me of talking to an ex (which I haven't)...first red flag. I started looking at his email, found two deleted messages on facebook, one from a "friend" and another from a female from the past he was friends with. He deleted the messages, did not tell me about them, but they were in his delete file in his email account not on facebook. This is what one of them said - "
Thank you so much for the encouragement this morning. I feel like I can take a deep breath and start over. Praise God for friends in Christ who listen to the Father. I love you brother." This is a woman I have expressed concern to him about his contact with over the past year. In checking phone logs, several calls from him to her and her to him.

Also one call 1 min in duration to OW's work that he had an EA with for two years (one admitted kiss)...Over the last year if he had to call her workplace he told me he was calling and why, there are two secretaries there. Up to January there has been no contact that I know of. He also told me he was having daily contact with his ex, her father just died a month ago, and the call log shows that...

Oh and I also found a nasty crotch shot of OW still in his email from 2 yrs ago when he told me in counselling that he deleted all pictures of her. (I forwarded it to myself along with the deleted email).

So here I sit, do I say something or not, hard to check it out properly when I am away. I am going for a visit in 3 weeks for a week. Should I wait and do some checking when I am there or try to confront over the phone? Any thought would be appreciated


BS(ME):43 - F(?)WH:42
DDay#1 9/07 DD#2 1/12/08, Together 3, Married 2
EA (PA - only a kiss...) While dating, engagement and 1st yr of marriage. OW married with children.
Thought we made it through this...Trust in the Lord with all your heart.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Canada
Cally60
Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, March 30th (Monday)

This is for snowboardgirl.

What you have written could be my story. The coworker, the text messages, and the claim that the exchanges are all about work, the shared lunches and the lack of communication with me.

When I managed to access my husband's private messages, I learned that he was in a full-blown emotional affair, with declarations of love on his part, innumerable embarrassing private details about me and our home life revealed to her, and so on. I think you need to trust your instincts. The amount of contact they are apparently having is too much for mere coworkers.

Do not believe them when they say it is all work-related. That's what my husband's hypocritical coworker claimed in an email to me, too, when I wrote and challenged her on their inappropriate relationship. (She didn't know that by the time I wrote to her I had read the entire text of the intimate online messages they had been exchanging for months.) Let this coworker confide the details of her marital problems to a female friend, or a single man, as is appropriate - not a married man. If it were me, I would tell her to do just that. Even if it were all innocent (and I am sure it is not) that would still be a more appropriate course of action for her.

If the number of text messages is reduced, my guess is that they have found some other way (or time) to communicate. Does he have MSN? A Skype account? Another phone? Go hunting. Please don't accept their denials any longer. If my experience is anything to go by, they are not worth the screens they're written on.


Posts: 2346 | Registered: Mar 2009
humboldtmom
Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, March 30th (Monday)

I've never posted here before, as the main betrayal to me was PA. But as the fog cleared, FWH revealed that there were beginnings of EA's with coworkers!

I thought that he had a PA (or a few) with coworkers due to his suspicious behavior. I didn't know what an EA was yet, but sure saw the red flags.

FWH started a new job in the midst of the PA and it was bad from the start. I was pregnant and he refused to wear his wedding ring to work, never introduced me to any coworkers, and would get extremely upset if I ever showed up at his work. He actually yelled at me when I brought him dinner and quickly got walked outside by him. He told me one night that he had gone out to get food with a female coworker (almost all were female anyway) and "It was so cool; she just grabbed my ipod and turned up the volume and blasted music in my car just like I would've done!" Jealousy immediately. "WTF was she doing in your car??" And I got all the lines how I'm just insecure and overly jealous. Duh. Cuz he was cheatin!

Anyway, text and picture messages were the next clue He was getting nasty messages and pictures that made me sick to my stomach as well as a lot of personal messages. He was also going out nights w/ coworkers that he wouldn't even introduce me to.

Post-PA, he admitted that at least 3 of these girls liked him. He didn't want them to get close, as he has a fear of intimacy. As soon as they would send him signals of "more than a friend" he would start distancing himself.

But MY instincts were right on! The last "beginning EA" was stopped in its tracks when I called the OW. WH had lied about her many ways, many times, and was working hard at covering it up. But I was keeping meticulous tabs on phone and text records. (I wrote down all his texts to me, then later compared them to online records. Found a few texts when he told me he was "sleeping" during his break at work, then nonstep texted the OW. *in his sleep apparently.*) After I called her, she was surprised that our marriage was going good. Apparently he had told her we were "separating" and yet told me we were "reconciling." She didn't stay in touch much after that!


Me xBS
STBXWH - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP) and now MOW#2
Together 19y Married 16y, now divorcing
3 children: 16, 14, 7
D-Day 9/2008, 7/2015

Posts: 344 | Registered: Nov 2008
gettingskinny
Member
Member # 23380
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, March 31st (Tuesday)

My WH says his A was EA....totally denies PA. He met up with OW on a business trip. I still dont believe it was only an EA...


He is a cake eating, fence sitter and I am just trying to keep breathing...

Posts: 63 | Registered: Mar 2009
iamsurviving
Member
Member # 23478
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, April 4th (Saturday)

I too am recovering from an EA over 18 months ago. Found over 90 emails from him to her and her to him. Recently found out there were phone calls as well back and forth and there were also gifts at Christmastime. Been up and down so much I feel like I'm on a bad roller coaster ride. Been trying to reconcile since I found out (Dec. 07) and he's very cooperate, very caring of my feelings (now), very helpful, is willing to talk and explain everything to me. But we've been married 40+ years and I feel like someone took a knife and cut my heart out - having bumps in the road today as I found 15 more emails he thought he deleted from his email. We found them together. Not a good day but still willing to make it work. She took worked in his office and has recently left (hopefully for good). Keep the faith and keep trying - ask all the questions you feel you can handle - I too need to know everything - don't want any more surprises - feel like I've been in the dark long enough. Hope you have a great day tomorrow and brighter days ahead.


Me: BS (68)
Him: WH (72)
Married: 48 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

Posts: 304 | Registered: Apr 2009
ARmom
Member
Member # 16143
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 8th (Wednesday)

Nova18 - I disagree. My FWH's EA occurred with an old college flame who was 1200 miles away the entire time. They never met in person - this is verifiable.

And yet, it was still devastating to our marriage. They were in contact 24 hours a day. My FWH became addicted to IM and webcam. He even moved out of our bedroom. We were talking divorce. In the end I found over 300 emails and hours and hours of IM transcripts and a phone card account.

I do not think a PA could have been any more devastating. It finally ended when I told him I was done, and he could pack his shit and leave to be a weekend father. It finally flicked the switch in his head that he was an addict.

BUT - the idea that there is NO such thing as "only" an EA is simply not true. It discounts the devastation of online affairs.



Posts: 911 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Small Town AR
azbasset
New Member
Member # 23560
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, April 10th (Friday)

I am so grateful to have this topic. My H had an EA with a co-worker for at least a year. During this time, he kept telling me I was an insecure, jealous b*tch...gee, I guess my radar was working. The constant barrage from him of me being the problem (before I became aware of the REAL problem) took a real toll on me...I truly began to believe I was a psychotic, insecure, jealous bi*ch!! I am finally getting my strength back to realize I am like any other wife and woman out there...we do have a sense when things just aren't right. I am struggling with his "I didn't do anything" attitude. It is the loss of respect for him as a human being and the absolute NO TRUST of him that are hard to resolve. Should I have my own EA???

Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2009
Cally60
Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, April 10th (Friday)

My H had an EA with a co-worker for at least a year. During this time, he kept telling me I was an insecure, jealous b*tch...gee, I guess my radar was working.

Exactly! My husband said I was jealous and controlling, too. I have the log of his EA with a coworker and in that he complained about my jealousy! Well duh....

>> I get a lot of grief from Cally, about all the girls that I have to work with. She doesn't seem to realize that they have no interest in a man old enough to be their father. << (Note: no comment on the fact that HE might have an interest in THEM!) Then later he apologized to her:
>> Sorry too many years of living with an extremely jealous woman <<

Oh the irony of it!

Too right I was jealous - of the "just a friend" OW in particular. Because, like so many other SI posters, I felt in my gut that there was something wrong.

I wouldn't have your own EA. Why lower yourself to the same level?

[This message edited by Cally60 at 8:21 PM, April 10th (Friday)]


Posts: 2346 | Registered: Mar 2009
snowdrop
Member
Member # 23594
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, April 12th (Sunday)

I'm very new here...I'm glad I've found this bit. I am yeet another BW who was told she was imagining things, that the problem was all hers (we moved to a new area, and apparently I hadn't made friends fast enough, couldn't handle my new job, oh, anything to make me feel bad and start trying hard to be a 'better' more loving wife!Meanwhile, whilst I'm making lots of extra effort, he's off working very hard....or not, as it turned out...)
Oh, yes, and that I was horrible for not wanting to let him help this poor, struggling woman, he was just..wait for it...'being a friend' to her.


Me: BW, 38
WH: 37
2 DS
DDays:first one was Feb 09.
Separating, after 18 months of trying to R.

Posts: 206 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: UK
liarswife
New Member
Member # 23347
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, April 12th (Sunday)

I hate that everyone here has had to hurt so much but it makes me feel so much better knowing I am not the only person out there going through this. It has been two years this month for the one and then a few weeks back I found emails on his computer confessing his love to a coworker...but "it was love of a friend." Ha Ha! for 10 years... I feel so stupid! But this site really helps...love to all out there who is hurting and Happy Easter!

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2009
HrtBrokeNTx
New Member
Member # 23610
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, April 13th (Monday)

I'm new to this site and its sad to say, but I'm glad to know I'm not alone. I sigh in relief when I see that EA are not a figment of my imagination. Me and my H have been married for almost 7yrs and I never thought I would be going through any thing like this! For as long as I have know my H he has been a liar and it has always been hard to trust him! He would like about simple things as well as small!That was how he operated,but I learned quick when he was telling the truth and when he was not! 4 months ago I discovered that he had been having a EA with OP since July of last year! There were phone calls, text mess, as well as crotch shots from her to him and him to her. phone records show that he would talk with her numerous times day or night about how unhappy he was with his marriage. Communication was never one of his good points, but for him to have met this OP and completely open up to her about the intimate details of our marriage was a complete slap in the face! I couldn't understand how that happen because we were in therapy and he had no complaints when ask if there were any, so our therapist was convince(as well as I) that our marriage could be mended! The killing part to this EA situation was the OP was married as well! So I forgave, we enrolled in Marriage Building classes at church, and things seem to be back on track (fast forward to 2 days ago!) Early Sunday morning I found out that my H is having not one by two EA!! One A in his hometown the other mere hrs from us, but he says they are "just friends" Friends I didn't even know existed! He talks to the OP from his hometown everyday, sometimes numerous times a day between text,phone calls, and emails. I found out there had been times I would have just left the house on and errand and he would call her! while our son is in the same room! Of course! now that I know about this double EA he wants to make everything better and will do anything that I want do! I asked him "Why" this happen again and he told me that I didn't pay him enough attention, that I didn't trust him and I made him feel like a prisoner in his own home!! Can You Believe that? I'm still trying to process that one! So that's why I'm here! I'm stuck! Don't know which way to turn! Can't eat or sleep, just think! I don't know how not to blame myself! I'm so devastated! embarrassed! confused! shocked! but mostly I'm in grief! I feel like something or someone has died! I don't know if I want to work this out with him, so right now I'm stuck!! I can't think about any thing execept that I've been betrayed once again!!! So can anyone help me answer that question? "What do I do Now?" I've done the therapy, the marriage building classes, the forgiveness for the hundredth time, spicing up the bedroom,and it still wasn't enough! I really need...? At this point I don't know what I need! Any Suggestion? Thanks again for the Thread!!


Ms.Tee

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Texas
GeminiGirl
Member
Member # 23292
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, April 14th (Tuesday)

Hi all, I am joining this thread as well---d-day of WH's internet & phone EA/maybe PA on business trip was about 6 months ago. Still very early on this trail of tears. Thanks for the support, and sorry we have to meet here.


Me: BW (52); WH: 58
M: 11 years
D-day: 2/24/09
Kids: 2 his, 2 mine
Status: trying R; in MC, both IC

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2009
EAsHurtTOO
Member
Member # 23482
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, April 14th (Tuesday)

Just wanted to say I am sick of being called the psychotic one when they were the ones messing up


"I never thought I'd be one of those military marriages"

Posts: 117 | Registered: Apr 2009
BrokenNotCrushed
New Member
Member # 22315
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, April 14th (Tuesday)

Does it go away? While WS and I are still in R, I still have my "issues."

For the ones who have been through this. Do the thoughts of all the details of the EA ever go away?

It makes me sick to think about the special events that happened during the EA knowing those calls and texts were from OW.


Me: BS 25
Him: WS 25
D-Day: 10/31/08
In R

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Texas
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)

I'm afraid it does not go away. It's less painful, but never gone. I chose to forgive, but will not forget. What I had to learn was to have better self esteem - in other words if he screws up again I will be gone - and I will be fine.

EAs SUCK.

Hugs,

Lala


Me - 51; FWH - 53
Married 33 years 9/2/16
2 grown daughters-32 & 28
6yo GS,3yo GD & 1yo. GD (DD32) and 4 yo GD & baby on the way 7/16(DD28). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5509 | Registered: May 2007
liarswife
New Member
Member # 23347
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, April 15th (Wednesday)

please somehelp me on the issue of forgiveness .been 2 yeas and i still dont know how to.. want to but cant... this is all so sad.. mine was twice also....that i know of

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2009
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, April 15th (Wednesday)

(((((liarswife)))))

2 years since D-day? 2 years since NC?

There's no timeline on healing - I forgave but never will forget. I had to get strong within myself so I was not dependent on him. I love him, but now I am not dependent on him because I know that it could happen again. I'd hope and pray it never does, but...this is not a perfect world.

Hugs,
Lala


Me - 51; FWH - 53
Married 33 years 9/2/16
2 grown daughters-32 & 28
6yo GS,3yo GD & 1yo. GD (DD32) and 4 yo GD & baby on the way 7/16(DD28). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5509 | Registered: May 2007
Star727
Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, April 16th (Thursday)

I'm having a bad day today. I'm sad that my 22 year marriage might be coming to a close.

I can't get past my husband's long term EA with a coworker who I know. Its bad enough he talked to her secretly for years, but he refuses to apologize for it and is not remorseful in the least. He actually think I'm making too much of it.

What really pisses me off is that he saw how upset I was on D-Day #1 and if he didnt know it before, he knew then that I felt what he did was wrong. He saw how upset I was about this. But he didnt stop talking to her after promising NC. He went and bought a secret prepaid phone and talked to her with that. I found it and monitored it for a few months. By January I couldnt take it anymore and confronted him about it. He has since put the phone away and he stays home and not "run the streets" evenings and weekends like he used to.

I feel like he has made a complete fool out of me. I've wasted 22 years of my life being with a man who wanted to also be with someone else. The audacity of him to disrespect me like he has and I'm expected to "get over it".

Now that I've been 180 with him, he's being the loving husband that he should have been years ago but since he hasnt and will not apologize, I can't forgive and let it go.

My feelings for him are dimming more and more each day and I know one day I will wake up and look at him and say "I don't love you anymore, I want a divorce".

I feel it coming. He refuses IC or MC. He feels he doesnt need it cause there's not a problem.

This has caused me write so many posts since July because I was beginning to think I was making too much out of it but reading other people's stories and the advice I've been getting from people on SI, I'm not crazy, he is doing me wrong and I'm letting him do it and get away with it.

That's why I'm so sad.


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
ohbother
New Member
Member # 23631
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, April 17th (Friday)

Add me to the club. My WH had an EA with a coworker for 2 years. He says there was nothing physical, but honestly I can't be sure, and either way the betrayal is still there. It makes me sick that the OW knows details about me and my children, it makes me feel very violated.


Me BW 35
H WH 34
married 10 years
2 children ages 7 and 5
D-day 4-13-09
taking one day at a time and working towards R

Posts: 6 | Registered: Apr 2009
Star727
Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, April 18th (Saturday)

That's how I feel. Violated. The thought of him having private moments with another woman really pisses me off.

He has the nerve to feel I should get over it but I'm not sure he's not still talking to her. He doesnt have much time to do that if he is, he's only talking to her on the workphone because he doesnt leave our home in the evenings and weekends like he used to and he put his secret cell phone away after D-Day #2 so if he's talking to her, its very little. But I told him if he talks to her again, I will divorce him. So we will see if he believes that I'm serious.


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
GeminiGirl
Member
Member # 23292
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, April 20th (Monday)

I am interested in people's reaction to the ideas I want to bring to IC. My second session is tomorrow.

My story is in my profile so I won't repeat it here. I am early in MC, about 6 or 7 weeks post d-day. Here are the issues that bother me the most, at this point:

1. I don't think my WH understands boundaries.
2. I don't think my WH understands clearly saying, "no".

Here are the back stories. I appreciate any thoughts, reactions to the issues, have I identified the core problem, are these important issues in an EA.

No.1: WH's EA started when a woman he knew in college contacted him on a professional networking site.
In less than one week, it goes from "hi" to full blown cybersex. I have asked many times, how did you make this transition? (hard to keep a straight face!! ) My WH has known the OW for over 30 years, but claims she was "never a GF". However, the OW claims they had sex 30 years ago, and still remembers her underwear from then (!!! can we say bunny boiler???) I made my WH read, "Not just friends", but every time I ask him how he got into this, he says he thought it was "OK, because she was a friend".

Next I learn that my WH and this woman have had occasional sexual conversations on the phone for over 25 years. I told him she's more like a phone sex mistress, and one I would not have agreed to share him with, had he had the decency to tell me she was in his back pocket when I married him.

Supposedly this was the first time they had talked since we married. The emails seem to verify that.

Story no. 2: in the last email, OW asks if they can "do it again" . oh, and BTW, WH does not understand why I think there was a PA!!!

WH say, "yes". Nonetheless, he keeps claiming he "ended it on his own".

Umm....err....I DON'T THINK SO!!! I made him send a NC email and copy me. He claims he would not have responded to any more contact, even w/o the NC email. Somehow, I am a person of little faith on that one....

Thoughts?


Me: BW (52); WH: 58
M: 11 years
D-day: 2/24/09
Kids: 2 his, 2 mine
Status: trying R; in MC, both IC

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2009
HrtBrokeNTx
New Member
Member # 23610
Concerned  Posted: 9:56 AM, April 21st (Tuesday)

GeminiGirl! I completely understand! I don't feel that my WH understands boundaries as well and he can't say no either!He thinks just because he hasn't talk to OW in a week that things are over even though he hasn't spoken to her to end it!So why should I believe this won't happen again since this is his second EA in the last 4 months! I let him back in the bed room last night and he took it as a invitation to sex!! He doesn't understand that I'm still trying to process the first EA and now have to deal with a second one! Why he feels that boundaries don't need to be set when it comes to OW I'm still trying to figure out! So you are not alone GeminiGirl! if you come across that answer please share that information with me!


Ms.Tee

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Texas
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)

I hope people are still checking this thread. I really need some answers.

First, I could have written much of lalagirl's post:

I can't get past my husband's long term EA with a coworker who I know. Its bad enough he talked to her secretly for years, but he refuses to apologize for it and is not remorseful in the least. He actually think I'm making too much of it.

What really pisses me off is that he saw how upset I was on D-Day #1 and if he didnt know it before, he knew then that I felt what he did was wrong. He saw how upset I was about this. But he didnt stop talking to her after promising NC.

This is EXACTLY where we are. He's still insisting it wasn't that big a deal. Based on what I've been able to verify for myself, it seems there actually was no sex, and in fact no 'cybersex,' no 'phone sex,' not even anything like romance. Just years and years of working together to continue their friendship behind my back, talking about anything and everything including me and our marriage, lying to me when I realized she existed at all, lying more when I found stories strange, misleading me two or three times into believing there was no more contact.

As I read here, it seems many EA's do include those things... they just don't cross the physical line.

Is anyone else dealing with an EA that had no elements of sexual innuendo or romance? Is such a thing even possible? Are there actually men who will lie that much, for years on end, to maintain an inappropriate, but still strictly platonic relationship??


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
JJgotrunover
Member
Member # 23599
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, April 24th (Friday)

capri,
I suspect there are. are they rare? I think so. I think the more common thing to have happen is at some point the line between EA and PA gets crossed due to emotional intimacy.
That being said...I suspect that my WW didn't cross the line from EA to PA until she suspected me of sniffing around, looking for clues, asking for whereabouts at 1AM...that sort of thing. I don't know for sure, my WW has decided lying is A-OK (pardon the pun).



Me: BH 41
her: WW 39 EA turned into PA
D-day: 3/23/09
S: 4/3/09
R for 5 years (!)

Posts: 124 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: colorado
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, April 24th (Friday)

Thanks, JJ. Puns.... ahh, it's good to keep a sense of humor! Yes, he seems to think lying is a viable option, too, explaining that it's for my own good (ie, "I didn't want to hurt you." -- so why did you keep doing something you knew would hurt me? --"Because I figured what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you." I'm touched by his concern.)

This is what he only barely concedes. He keeps going on the offensive, accusing me of misunderstanding the situation (what's to misunderstand? with or without sexual factors, he LIED for YEARS in order to continue some sort of relationship with ANOTHER WOMAN), saying the real reason I'm upset is because I suspect a full blown affair.

I give him the same response over and over: given 1,000 lies, how am I supposed to know this story is the truth?

Recently, he grudgingly conceded that I had no way of knowing. But it wasn't a concession in his heart, if you know what I mean.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
hurtandbroken
New Member
Member # 20936
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, April 25th (Saturday)

capri
I can relate with you and struggle with the same questions.I think there will always be the question "was there more".It doesn't add up that they would lie so much for just a friendship.If that was all it was why lie and hide it.I personally have never met a man that only wanted to talk.They always wanted more.I really hate when they down play the relationship and make us feel crazy for even thing that they might be more.I don't know if we will ever know the truth.After all the lies I don't think I would believe him amyway if he finally told the truth...I don't know which is harder ,living with all of the questions or the truth.Either way we have to find a way to heal and move on.Because being trap in this hell is no way to live.

[This message edited by hurtandbroken at 8:08 PM, April 25th (Saturday)]


Posts: 22 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: ca
tunatuna
New Member
Member # 23474
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, April 26th (Sunday)

I too belong to this club. I know a PA is worse, but EA hurts too.


me-BS 36
Him WS 43
M:9 years, together 13.
S 8, D 5.
DD 12/27/2008
EA, in R ?

Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2009
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, April 26th (Sunday)

tunatuna,
I don't think PA's are worse. At least the WS knows they crossed the line, with an EA, there's always the argument that they didn't do anything wrong so why can't you get over it. Half the battle of an EA is getting the WS to realize their mistake.
Hang in there you'll make it through this challenge


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 26th (Sunday)

Exactly! My husband said I was jealous and controlling, too. I have the log of his EA with a coworker and in that he complained about my jealousy! Well duh....

Another controlling wife here! Amazing how all the controlling wives found the same site!!!!

I always thought that was very strange, considering I said NOTHING about his spending, his coming home late, or anything else. I recently found out that ow called me both controlling and another word he liked to apply to me. (But the fact that he is repeating her very words to me, and to others about me, is no proof that she had any effect on his view of me or our marriage....)

I guess when you interfere in the relationship between your husband and his girlfriend, in their minds that is "controlling."

tunatuna, I have to say that my marriage would be far better if he'd just slept with her a few times years ago and left it at that. That said, I really think there are so many factors, that some pa's are worse and some ea's are worse.

For me, I think part of the reason the ea is 'worse' is because he is able to convince himself that because he didn't sleep with her, the real problem is me blowing it out of proportion. He refuses to admit that he did anything seriously wrong, and in fact in some ways, is still putting it all back on my shoulders, that once again, I'm the problem.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 26th (Sunday)

I was horrible for not wanting to let him help this poor, struggling woman, he was just..wait for it...'being a friend' to her.

Beautiful, isn't it? I got the same thing about one of them. "I felt bad for her. Her husband left her." Uh.... are you saying that with a straight face when you only come home to eat and sleep and take off again to work and have a social life with all your secret friends?


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, April 26th (Sunday)

Wow, I cant believe how many controlling jealous wives are here, I thought I was the only one.
My WH too, wanted to be everything to everyone (woment) except to me. He loved the adoration he got making these women laugh, listening to thier problems and just simply passing hours on end w/them online or on the phone. I guess he figured it was ok since he did it in front of me, and if I complained about it, I was just being jealous. His excuse....I relate well w/ women.
Of course he totally crossed the line w/ at least two of them. (yes their were many). He hid those messages, and fell in love w/ one of them. God, he wonders why its taking me forever to get over it.

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 4:23 PM, April 26th (Sunday)]


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
icbtih8
Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, April 30th (Thursday)

sign me up. this is an EA at best, but the little creep is denying all of it!

I'm not sure I want this M to work, but I figure it's too soon to tell.


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
snottybulldog
New Member
Member # 23830
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, May 4th (Monday)

Reallylost,
I am so sorry for you. WH's don't understand that this hurts just as much if it were a PA. My WH has done the same thing.
Found out that H met her on CL post. They carried out, could be still, and EA for 1.5 yrs. Found out and confronted him. He thinks because it was never a PA that he's done nothing wrong.
I hope that if both of you are willing to move on from this and he admits and takes responsibility that you can R.
Good luck

Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Silicon Valley
Wonder Woman
Member
Member # 21831
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, May 22nd (Friday)

I definitely belong here. I don't believe the A has crossed into physical territory, but can't be sure as I have not yet confronted him. But everything I've found/heard in the last year (has it really been that long since I suspected something?) points to an EA "only."

I know when I do confront, he's not going to understand what the issue is, they're just friends, blah blah blah. I'm not looking forward to it, but it needs to happen (the confrontation) eventually.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm subconsciously waiting for him to cross the (physical) line so I have a clear-cut "reason" to leave. I'm not sure if that is the case, but I reflect on what's taking me so #!*&% long to talk to him and wonder if that could be part of it. It seems like I'll get less understanding for leaving over an EA than a PA, if that's indeed what comes to pass. Anyone else ever felt like that?


Back again. . .
Me: BS 32
Him: WS 36 (suspected SA)
Married 7 years, together 8 years
3 kids: 7, 4, 2

Posts: 182 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: CA
feralbunny
New Member
Member # 24135
Wink  Posted: 10:58 AM, May 26th (Tuesday)

I hear you, Wonder Woman! Some people cannot see that an EA tears down trust just as much as a PA.

My WS asked me, "Why are we so focused on this? It's not like I slept with anyone!" Funny how the images in my head when I read the sex-fantasy emails he shared with another woman are so clear cut. They certainly don't FEEL any less like a betrayal just because they're in written format....

So hang in there, WW. Whether you decide to confront now or wait, draw strength from the fact that your feelings are valid, no matter what. It's irrelevant what the most popular definition of "betrayal" is. If you feel your trust has been violated, then that's what needs to be dealt with.

Good luck...and love the name!


Me: BS(37)
Him: WS(39)
D-day: 23 Apr 2009

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2009 | From: UK
Star727
Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 26th (Tuesday)

My WH doesn't see what the big deal is also. He can't understand why I cant get over it and let the past stay in the past.

I told him I cant do that because he has shared emotions with another woman and one that I know.

I told him that you don't talk to another woman on the phone 5-7 times a day, 7 days a week for at least 2 years (I think its more than 5 years) without having some feelings for them. If they were both single, you could call it "courting".

He either understands what I'm feeling, or knows how I'm feeling but is gaslighting me so he can foolishly keep talking to her.


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
iamsurviving
Member
Member # 23478
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, May 26th (Tuesday)

D day 12/16/07 - found minimized email - since then found over 100 emails and then found out 50-60 more were deleted - married 40+ years - so devastated I can't breathe sometimes. 19 months later and I'm still crying - have good days and bad days - today is a bad day - remembering some of the "special names" H called her - babe, hot Christmas Eve present, best girl, my girl, stuff like that - H trying so hard to reconcile - I'm having a terrible time adjusting and I just can't forget - up and down like a bad roller coaster ride. Anniversary coming up and I'm just beside myself. I know it will get better but today obviously is not one of the better days. I'm hangin in - hope you all are too.


Me: BS (68)
Him: WH (72)
Married: 48 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

Posts: 304 | Registered: Apr 2009
eightball
New Member
Member # 24062
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, May 26th (Tuesday)

i am in a situation similar to that of capri - there was no physical element or any romantic/sexual element on my husband's part in the relationship between him and the other woman (an old acquaintance, not co-worker – facebook, good to catch up with old friends, or satan’s way of causing trouble? who knows?). i caught/saw the emails; it had only been maybe 2 weeks. so it went on for only a short time, but the thing is i am having a hard time wrapping my head around what "it" was. my husband was not sexual or romantic with her in their chats & emails, although she did tell him that she loved him. but he was clearly enjoying having someone show an interest in him as a person as opposed to him as father, husband, responsible adult. and talking to someone who was not me. now don’t get me wrong, i think it would be foolish & unhealthy to say that my husband should only talk to me, should only share with me, but something here was not right. and when she offered to meet up with him (she lives in his homestate), and he made a suggestion of an alternate location, it hurt. but nothing in what he said or wrote was sexual or romantic. it was though he were making the offer to an old male friend. and that’s the part that i can’t wrap my head around, because if he had offered to meet up with an old male friend – without telling me, making sure that our schedule was clear, etc, that would bother me too. it’s that he had something going on in his life that he wasn’t sharing with me; and it’s definitely the kind of thing I would have shared with him (example, a few of my old high school era friends have gotten back in contact with me via facebook – one an old boyfriend – but i always tell my husband when i hear from these folks, even if it’s just the mundane stuff, because that’s what you do – you share with your spouse). i know that this woman was looking for something romantic from my husband – she was pretty transparent and my husband pretty stupid (that’s not me letting him off the hook – he has always been very clueless when reading other people’s motives. or i guess i should say that the idea of other people having motives doesn’t really enter into his thinking) but the simple fact that he wasn’t thinking and let himself get into this situation pisses me off. he recognizes that he was wrong and has been apologetic and trying to make things right between us (going to the mc, taking full responsibility, cutting her off then & there, etc), and i know that he loves me and that he didn’t love/want her (because from what he said/wrote to her and has said since, it was really about him being lonely, in need of friends and a break from his daily responsibilities – if it hadn’t been her, it could have been someone else male or female – does that make sense? it really was about him, not “them” or “her”), but somehow it doesn’t make a big difference – it’s like if this is what your love brings me, then what good is it? if your actions are hurting me, does it matter that you love me? and for whatever reason, i can’t decide if he cheated on me – as though the words matter. but somehow they do. i know he did wrong by me, but “cheat?” – that i don’t know & it seems like i need to have a way to describe it before i can deal with it. it’s a gray area to be sure, but one that i am having trouble navigating. does any of this make sense? i am seeing a counselor (and we are seeing a counselor) but these questions come to me when we’re not in session and i guess i’d like to hear from others in the same (similar?) boat. thanks & i wish everyone the best with their situations.

Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2009
iamsurviving
Member
Member # 23478
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, May 26th (Tuesday)

We are not in counseling. I just can't bring myself to do something like that - we are handling it ourselves - trying to work through it - OW finally left the office this year so this year for me has been worse than last year after I first found out. Still struggling but still trying to make sense out of all of it. After 3 years of "talking to her" and months of emails - I certainly consider it cheating since he emailed her from our home and talked about stuff that was happening in our home that she had no business knowing about - plus the nice little "special names" he called her. She didn't call her anything special though - hang in there.


Me: BS (68)
Him: WH (72)
Married: 48 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

Posts: 304 | Registered: Apr 2009
sofresh
Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, May 27th (Wednesday)

I don't know if this is uniques or not, or if anyone is familiar with my story, but my WH had an EA for about 5 months, on "D day" (he confessed he was in love with OW) he left me and ended up at OW's and slept with her...he later confessed and Weeks later after watching him go out on dates with her I said her or me and he left. He has lived with OW for about 2 months including 3 false R's on the forth he decided to stay home because he doesn't know what he wants.

I imagine it's more difficult to give up an EA partner than a PA, especially since they became PA he says they have grown closer.

I hated how inn the last 3 false R's he would get so upset about how much "OW is hurting".. that was why NC was s broken.

It sucks because from my angle it look like he's more concerned about hurting her than what he's done to me and DS.

Nevermind. WH is a sociopath.

[This message edited by sofresh at 9:19 AM, June 1st (Monday)]


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, June 1st (Monday)

eightball, has he gone no contact? Do you have a way of verifying that, other than his word?

I was asked on another forum, back when I was still questioning what this was about, would I be this upset if he had another man as a friend about whom I knew nothing. The tone of the questioner hinted that the real problem was my 'jealousy.' But yes, I would find it pretty weird for a man to have a friend for over a decade and keep it from his wife. I would find it weird if my best friend, never mind my husband, had a friend for over a decade and never mentioned them to me.

Marriage means sharing your lives, and how can you be 'sharing' your lives with a thirteen year long friendship being kept secret?

I would say, however, that if it was that brief, if he's apologetic, if he's ended it completely and immediately, and is trying to make it up to him, I'm not sure I'd call it out and out cheating. I'd say he definitely put a toe in the water and who knows how far he would have gone had you not caught it. I'd take it as a warning about the ease of getting into these situations and his loneliness, and willingness to test the waters.

It sounds like you're doing the right things to prevent a recurrence, and the rest, of course, is up to him.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
JVS3
Member
Member # 20124
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, June 1st (Monday)

i can’t decide if he cheated on me – as though the words matter. but somehow they do. i know he did wrong by me, but “cheat?” – that i don’t know & it seems like i need to have a way to describe it before i can deal with it.

eightball, I think it's so hard for those of us whose spouses EA's were not romantic/sexual in nature. Maybe you might not want to call it "cheating" but he certainly betrayed you. For me the secrets, lies, deception and H talking about me to OW as if I didn't matter were just so disrepectful. So while I wouldn't say my husband cheated on me he was definitely unfaithful.


Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. - Robert Fulghum

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.


Posts: 409 | Registered: Jul 2008
hope2142
Member
Member # 23968
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, June 1st (Monday)

My FWH had EA with an ex GF. I can't believe that it can destroy us the way that it has!


Me BS 31
Him WH 43
3 kids G13 B9 B2
FWH 1 EA OW already divorced and re-married.
D-Day Dec. 15,2008
Started MC Jan, 2009
Out of the Fog and done with excused Oct. 2009-I say this is when R really started.



Posts: 188 | Registered: May 2009 | From: confused as hell
eightball
New Member
Member # 24062
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday)

thanks for responding capri.

yes, he has had no contact with her since i found out - i asked him not to and he hasn't (although i think that my response to the whole situation would have stopped further contact on its own - i was clearly upset and not willing to brook anything else, and he knew it - my irish was definitely on display. to give him his due, he got the clue pretty quickly). i know by his word, but also because he said that i could check his email, etc, and i have. she has tried to keep in touch with him, but he deletes the emails without reading or responding to them. he has been very good about everything since this happened, but i am just shocked - that sounds melodramatic, but it's true, i am shocked that he could get himself into the position he did. i mean, as i mentioned before, he is not one to look to underlying motives, he definitely takes things at face value (a quality that i would normally say serves him well, but in this case....) but still it amazes me just how dumb, susceptible, naive, what-have-you that he could be. and how that failing on his part put us in this position. because i honestly considered leaving him over this - the trust has been really damaged. but i try to look at the big pix and realize that one mistake - big whopper thought it is - shouldn't be the deciding factor, it's still tough to deal with. and i think that's why we'll eventually be able to work this out - because it was a mistake as opposed to action taken. i think that's part of why i was hung up on the question of did he cheat or not.

it scares me that i took for granted that we shared the same values/views on certain things - like i would never be in his situation, because i share everything with him for the reasons we've both mentioned - you share with your spouse. period. i honestly didn't think that needed discussion, but i guess it did/does. and the thing is, it's not like he didn't share out of malice, but out of cluelessness, you know? and when it comes to trusting my own judgment right now, i just have been asking myself how did i end up with such a clueless man? and to be fair that is the anger & hurt speaking, because i know that he is a good person and has been a good husband and wants to be a better husband, but still, it's a way i keep needling myself - how did i miss this? i don't mean to sound all self-righteous about how i would never do what he did, but i have been put in a similar position, and told my husband about it (an old friend was getting too flirty, and although it was nice to know someone still wanted to flirt with me, i reminded the guy that i was married and that's that, end of story. and i told my husband about it. so that's how i know i would do it differently).

the other thing that this has brought up is that i am maybe not the best at forgiveness - although i have to say i have been exceptionally fortunate to have had little to forgive (i am the first to acknowledge i have been a lucky person), and have not had a lot of practice at forgiveness. and that's the thing i am having trouble with right now, is that i'll be fine - and we'll be fine - and then some odd thing will remind me of just how dumb he was, what he put at risk. and that really stumps me, because i am not sure how this part of forgiveness works in a marriage. i realize there is no set timetable for forgiveness, but i would like to know when that feeling will abate. and for what it's worth, it's not a daily occurrence, but it seems to happen every couple of days - almost like my subconscious is reminding me to not let things go too quickly. does that makes sense?

and i feel the need to just say thanks to anyone and everyone who has read my posts, because it's reassuring to know that my words have an empathetic ear. moreover, my heart goes out to anyone in this type of situation because for lack of something more eloquent to say, it sucks. i don't want to begin to imagine how much more it could suck either, because some you have had to deal with truly heart-wrenching stuff. and that has at the very least given me some perspective (even if my ramblings indicate otherwise).

my best to all.


Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2009
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday)

eightball, I wonder if the reason you're having a hard time forgiving this 'minor' infraction is that your gut is still screaming.

Reading your post reminds me a great deal of my feelings when I first started finding things out and asking questions.

I started from the supposition that my husband was a good man who would tell me the truth, and I tried to make all the facts fit that assumption. Eventually, I had to face that my belief in his goodness and honesty were the problem. Once I realized I was dealing with a man who can and will look me in the eye and lie on any subject, I was better able to see the situation.

What I'm getting to, trying to say it gently, is this:

it's not like he didn't share out of malice, but out of cluelessness, you know?

Mine had me convinced for a long time he was really that clueless. I'm sorry, but your husband was making plans to meet another woman and didn't tell you. No man is so clueless that he doesn't realize meeting another woman is worth mentioning to your WIFE.

This is why you're having a hard time forgiving two weeks of non-romantic e-mails. Because your gut is telling you that his story is off, that he knew darn well meeting another woman without telling his wife is off-limits to a married man. He's lying to you (in my humble opinion), trying to pass this off as an oops. My husband tried to claim that not mentioning her for 13 years was just an oversight. Uh... right. And I'd like to buy that bridge in Brooklyn.

You will continue to have a hard time forgiving because what you're really trying to do is convince yourself against the facts that it's all okay now, even though your gut tells you he's still lying, not taking responsibility, and therefore, it's still a problem.

I'm not saying anything is still going on, but that an infraction like this really requires the offending party to be honest and take responsibility in order to put things right.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
kristy175
Member
Member # 24125
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 4th (Thursday)

count me in on this group too. hubby always had "friends" mostly ones he met on the internet. It started with this one girl w years ago. the i love u's and all that good stuff. he met out once back then. He did end it but started back up again. This time at first he would show me what she was texting him. over the past 4 months it all became a secret again. they would call eachother several times a day. SHe even lent him money! she would leave him cards at the house he was staying in during our protection order. WHen he came back home i told him all contact had to stop.HE could not do it. now he was leaving house and calling her all the sneaking around just to talk to her. It hurts so bad. he says...at least i didnt have sex with her. he just doesnt believe in the emotioanl affair stuff. 2 weeks ago we blocked her number from his phone getting any more texts from her. oh yea...ive texted her too from my phone...ive made sure she knows that he tells me about all the texts and calls. this drives her nuts! now she has been calling him restricted..no number shows up..and he has not answered any of then..except one. to tell her we are working things out. I wish he would have told her to just leave us alone. she has become such a big part of our lives i cant stand it anymore. HOpefully she will finally give up and move on to her other boyfriends

Posts: 99 | Registered: May 2009 | From: ohio
lhoward
New Member
Member # 22505
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, June 4th (Thursday)

Have any of you suspected that the EA may have been a PA and that WS told you it was only EA to be able to hold onto you?


Me 33
SA-WH 35
8 yrs M
In R-maybe
1 OC from previous WH ONS
2 DS together
DD-01/17/09

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Georgia
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, June 4th (Thursday)

lhoward, absolutely! And plenty of people do find out the 'just' ea really was a pa, unfortunately. I have not taken his word for it, but have gone about my own ways of verifying it. I am now 95% sure he's actually telling the truth that he never slept with any of them. Some days, that 5% is very uncomfortable.

I live knowing that it's a very real possibility, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to put it to rest.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
eightball
New Member
Member # 24062
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 5th (Friday)

capri...

thanks for responding again.

i have to say that i am not attributing his actions to his cluelessness because what he did was wrong. there is no question about that, and he has not tried to say otherwise. from the moment i confronted him about it, he has been apologetic and accepting blame. and i do believe him when he says he was not thinking beyond the moment of having sent the email. he is that clueless/non-analytical about things. i am not trying to excuse what he did, but it's almost like it was a burp - something that got out before he really thought about it. again, that's not saying he wasn't wrong – he was; but that's what our brains are for - to use them before we speak or act. would have been nice had he used his.

what i meant was his cluelessness about getting into the situation and not telling me at the beginning, before things got to the point of being wrong. just the simple fact of not sharing with me that he was talking to someone - again, i am not saying he has to report to me every single person he talks to or hears from because that's crazy and unrealistic and not even what i am talking about. but the fact that there were a couple of emails (again, at the beginning, she contacted him as "hey what have you been up to all these years?") is the point at which he should have said something - anything: "heard from someone i went to school with" or "so and so from my hometown & i have been emailing" that kind of thing. and that's where his cluelessness bothers me. because it's like if he didn't see how that was a problem, then that's the problem. i have known from the beginning of our relationship that he is not an analyzer, and as i mentioned before, i thought that was a good thing, because i do analyze things – perhaps too much. to that end, i thought we were a good tempering for each other – that there are things in life i should just accept, and that there are things in life that he should think about more. and up until now, i feel like that has served us well. but now, i just wonder – not so much about his love for me or commitment to our marriage because i think if nothing else this has been a wake-up call for him, where he really has had to think about what he has and how much he wants to keep it (me, the kids, our marriage, our family) – but whether our perspectives on life coincide enough to deal with the obstacles that confront us all in life. That’s where the trust has been damaged – i guess i’m unsure whether we are as “simpatico” as i had thought.

and, i say this again, thanks for responding. writing all this out helps my thinking. although we are doing the mc thing (and ic for me), there are moments when i have thoughts that i need to get out. so truly thanks.


Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2009
jolene
Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 5th (Friday)

lhoward, my husband gaslighted me with "only and EA" for almost a year. I finally came across their emails which confirmed that it was a PA long before I had ever thought it could have been.

If your gut is screaming, listen to it.


Divorced 10/2013! Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
Sad in AZ
Guide
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, June 5th (Friday)

Wow; this is amazing and disgusting. I had no idea there were so many other people in my situation (I'm new to SI.) You all have my empathy, sympathy and admiration. If only I had known about this site when I had my first d-day, I might be in a better state of mind today.

My WH claims (for the 10th, 20th, I can't remember) time that he loves only me and does not want to end our M. However, he cannot and will not admit the OW is an EA (although I suspect it is more than that), so I don't have much hope of a R. It's amazing that after 30+ years of marriage, he needs the affirmation of other women to make himself feel good. Yet here I am seeking the affirmation of other BS's to help me make a decision. Life truly is a circle and I want to go around with gusto!

BTW, I no longer wear my wedding ring; I have new one that states "To thine ownself be true." Kudos and best wishes to you all.


You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Posts: 23215 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
lhoward
New Member
Member # 22505
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, June 5th (Friday)

Thanks! I guess I knew what the answer was and am still just too scared to face it. Why do we let them convince us that what is right there in our face does not exist or we just have interpreted it wrong. Like the time he told me that his email to OW about them getting together when I would be out of town was just him stringing her along. Well if that is true then why did you use an actual date that I was out of town? My therapist told me that I would believe only what I wanted to believe. I guess that is true...


Me 33
SA-WH 35
8 yrs M
In R-maybe
1 OC from previous WH ONS
2 DS together
DD-01/17/09

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Georgia
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, June 6th (Saturday)

Why do we let them convince us that what is right there in our face does not exist or we just have interpreted it wrong.

Because we want desperately to believe what they're saying. Because the consequenses of not believing it are overwhelming: either live with the indignity of your spouse cheating on you, or risk the financial and emotional upheaval of separation and divorce.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
Star727
Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 7th (Sunday)

Why do we let them convince us that what is right there in our face does not exist or we just have interpreted it wrong.

My WH's continued (ad nauseum) explanation of continued contact with OW went like this:

He saw OW coworker at a funeral repass. The deceased man was a family member of his uncle's wife (she's deceased too) family. My WH considers the son of the deceased his cousin, but there is really no relation.

Anyway, WH saw OW at the repass, was surprised to see someone he works with there, found out she's the ex-girlfriend of this so-called cousin.

Whenever we discussed his longterm EA with her (went on about 5 years) he always starts with their conversations about this cousin, like thats all they talked about for 5 years!!!

He's trying so hard to convince me that they never slept together and all they did was talk and mostly about her and his cousin.

Last time he started on the cousin thing, I told him to save it, I didnt want to hear about that anymore and that I know they had other conversation with each other.

He thought continued talking to her would be okay if he could convince me that it was necessary to talk about this cousin.

I guess he really thought I was that weak.


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
Star727
Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 7th (Sunday)

While reading through these posts, I decided to ask a question because its definitely affecting me everyday.

Could you forgive or forget your spouse if they had a longterm (5 years) EA with a fellow coworker, demanded NC and it was broken twice, spouse is not apologetic and continues to explain they were just friends, nothing sexual ever happened, nothing romantic ever happened. Also, if you saw the detailed cell phone bill and saw that they talked to each other 4-5 times a day, 7 days a week, even when spouse and family was away on vacation for the past 2 years.

Also, WS is emotionally detached from BS and it really got worse after D-Day #1. But when asked for a divorce, WS didn't want one and is physically trying to make up for what he has done (like doing things around the house, buying gifts for BS, etc.).

After describing all that, does it sound like WS could still be in love with OW?


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 8th (Monday)

LOL, Star. My fwh has tried to pass off THIRTEEN YEARS as them sending e-mails like, 'brr, it's really cold here.' Uh, yeah, that was worth lying to me repeatedly, playing shell games with the e-mail accounts, and misrepresenting who she was. I can't say I'd toss my husband under a bus just to be able to continue 'brr, it's really cold here,' with some other guy, so either he's lying or I'm really incredibly worthless to him.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
JVS3
Member
Member # 20124
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, June 8th (Monday)

Could you forgive or forget your spouse if they had a longterm (5 years) EA with a fellow coworker, demanded NC and it was broken twice, spouse is not apologetic and continues to explain they were just friends, nothing sexual ever happened, nothing romantic ever happened.

Star, my answer to this would simply be, no. Until spouse comes out of that fog and realizes that what he is doing is wrong, stops his behaviour is remorseful and commits to marriage, then I could not forgive.

It doesn't matter if spouse/OP has been talking about the weather or family members or whatever, the fact is he is being disrespectful of your/our feelings - our love, our fear, our heartbreak - when/if they continue with EA. For me, it's almost worst than a PA - because I could at least understand the sexual attraction - but to continue to be in contact/talk so that he/OP can just have their "fix" whilst we are in so much pain is particularly reprehensible to me.


Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. - Robert Fulghum

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.


Posts: 409 | Registered: Jul 2008
Sad in AZ
Guide
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, June 10th (Wednesday)

Star: You described my situation to a T, and, no, I cannot forgive my WH as long as he continues to have contact with OW. Since he INSISTS there has been no PA with her and that they only discuss work-related subjects (and her family problems--never ours-HA) I have even gone as far as saying he can have contact as long as I am with him, but this has not worked either. I don't think I'll ever win.


You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Posts: 23215 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
iamsurviving
Member
Member # 23478
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, June 11th (Thursday)

My H had an office EA for over 3 years. Found minimized email 12/07 and later found over 100+ emails. Also found out about sausage biscuits, cards, phone calls and whatnot. Devastated beyond words for 18 months but in R. H is beside himself - Me - I've had so many physical, emotional and financial problems because of it I thought I wasn't going to make it BUT I'm here and doing the best I can. Some days are good, some days are bad - triggers, thunderstorms, endless tears BUT we are both working at it - been married over 40+ years. Hang in there - God will make a way - I promise. God bless you and hope you have a wonderful day.


Me: BS (68)
Him: WH (72)
Married: 48 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

Posts: 304 | Registered: Apr 2009
Cally60
Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, June 12th (Friday)

he INSISTS there has been no PA with her and that they only discuss work-related subjects (and her family problems--never ours-HA)

I would be very skeptical of this, too. When I wrote to the OW, to ask her to stop having inappropriate conversations with my husband, both online and at work, she claimed exactly the same thing. Quote from her email:

"You should know that I am married I don't want to damage my marriage and also your marriage too. Mostly we talk or discuss work related. "

A complete lie. She didn't give a d*mn about my marriage, only the stroking of her own nasty ego. I knew it was a lie, because I had the log of all their online conversations; with my husband telling her he loved her, complaining about what a terrible wife I was, etc. - and her encouragement of it all.

Hypocritical cow. People having affairs lie. Through their teeth. It's so much easier than telling a BS the truth. I'm sorry.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 5:18 PM, June 12th (Friday)]


Posts: 2346 | Registered: Mar 2009
Katieisfree
Member
Member # 22930
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, June 13th (Saturday)

I am having trouble understanding how FWH could have affair that broke up out marriage with a woman who did not want to break up her marriage.

What was he getting out of this relationship? They could not go anywhere together (even though he did attend concert with OW and OWH)and had little in common besides working together.

Now it has ended (the PA) I find it difficult to believe they do not talk because they were so close.

Is the closeness real or imagined. Was he really able to tell her things he could not tell me?

He maintains there is NC and they do not even look at each other.


DD 6/6/08
Sep 5/8/08
R 16/12/08

Posts: 485 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Australia
PacificFan
New Member
Member # 24386
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, June 15th (Monday)

I am for sure that this EM is going to the next level. I found out last night that he has charged airline and a hotel stay close to the the Ow he's having an OEA with. I was so good at the 180° so far (only a week) but after I saw that on our OL bill, I freaked, It was 11 pm and I called him. Understand the one of the reasons WH said he was leaving was because of he was afraid I was going spend our retirement before we were 80. Always yelling if we went over budget that it was my fault. Now he charges $1000+ to go see the OW.

So I was nice and didn't yell. I did ask him what was going to happen, He said he didn't know. I asked if we could talk when he gets back in a week. As always, he said,"Maybe" . I am starting counseling on Wed. and going to legal aid on Thur. Everything he says is just crazy. I can't even believe this. But...He has never been a very caring sort of guy so. I snapped last night and just want closure of somekind. He will not be back for a week so I have lots of time to think. I don't want waste another minute worrying what is going to happen to me. He doesn't have that control any longer. (at least for today) JavaScript:AddSmily('%20%20')


Me 61 - Too old to start over
WH 66
M 42 years
D-Day Jun.9
WH Living in MY Mom's house

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Northern California
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, June 16th (Tuesday)

I have even gone as far as saying he can have contact as long as I am with him, but this has not worked either.

You know, with both the ow that I knew about at the time they were still going on (there were others that ended before I found out), I told him he was WELCOME to have these 'just friends' as long as they e-mailed him at our joint account. He chose to end the relationships entirely rather than let me in.

That speaks for itself.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, June 17th (Wednesday)


"You should know that I am married I don't want to damage my marriage and also your marriage too. Mostly we talk or discuss work related."

A complete lie. She didn't give a d*mn about my marriage, only the stroking of her own nasty ego. I knew it was a lie, because I had the log of all their online conversations; with my husband telling her he loved her, complaining about what a terrible wife I was, etc. - and her encouragement of it all.

EVEN IF they only talked about work related things...

I'm in a somewhat similar position with OW#3 (disgusting when you have to number them ) that she was "ONLY" sending cutesy forwards. Three to five times a week, and ALWAYS, "You're such a special friend." "I'm so glad I met you." "If you feel the same way about me, send this back."

But ya know.... If I was 23... and there were already rumors going around work about all the married men I'd supposedly slept with... and a nearly 40 year old man came to me and said "MY wife now thinks there's something going on between us because of these e-mails." --- well, if I were completely innocent, I would think I'd be horrified that YET AGAIN someone thinks I'm sleeping with her husband and go OMG!!!! I don't want anyone getting that impression! If it's a problem, I'll STOP!

I just can't imagine being told that, AS SHE WAS, and continuing, or just informing the wife, "It's no big deal, don't worry."

What is WRONG with these people????

(BTW-- at the same time these cutesy forwards stopped, there were severeal incidents, including my husband lying about a couple of hours that still remain unaccounted for, and 4 flattened/punctured tires that still make me wonder how innocent this poor little girl really is. Maybe she is just that stupid to continue what she knows a married man's wife objects to, but if so, she's really opened herself to suspicion.)


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4485 | Registered: Jun 2007
Unsuspecting
New Member
Member # 24644
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, July 1st (Wednesday)

EA card carrying member now....

Hemmm....Six months ago, I found an inappropriate email from my husband to another woman. He left it in our printer (Einstein move). As I looked at it closer, I saw that it was from an email that I did not know existed. It seems that this email was created for him to communicate with just her as I could not find any other correspondences to others on this network. He immediately confessed that it was a secretive email and that he had been emailing her for three years.
I asked what the other emails said, and he stated that there were probably a few other inappropriate comments. However, he would not admit to having an "emotional affair" as he always talked about our kids and me. Well, upon scanning our computers for previously sent emails, he was right, he did talk about me alright. He trashed me every chance he got. He was sexual even when the conversation didn't lend itself to a sexual commentary. He attempted to meet with her on several occasions when he was in town for business. Fortunately or unfortunately, based upon the email correspondences, they never did meet (but not because of lack of effort on his part).

I personally cannot get over the dialogue in which my husband engaged, and it was primarily him. He was continuously perverted in these emails. He talked about how he wanted to see pictures of her so that he could fantasize about her, talked about her breasts, asked what she was wearing as she typed, etc. I would've NEVER suspected this behavior from him.

We're attending marriage counseling right now (which is ironic because I'm in this profession), but I've always said that if something like this ever happened to me, I would be gone yesterday. He did end it with her attributing it to my discomfort with the communications but specifying how he had enjoyed the three years of chat. I'm still not happy with this alleged closure.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2009
pamspray
New Member
Member # 24760
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 9th (Thursday)

My husband has been having an EA since Sept 08. They kissed but have done nothing else physical according to him. They shared the words "I love you" and many intimate conversations. How dare he! He claims the other woman is just his friend now but I don't believe him. I think that there is no reason for her to be involved in his life whatsoever considering what the EA has done to our marriage. We are currently living separately because I'm tired of waiting for a response other than "I don't know" or excuses.

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: PA
StormySands
Member
Member # 23709
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, July 9th (Thursday)

pamspray- That's all I hear... "I don't know".."We're just friends" If they we're truly just friends, he would walk away from that freindship to stabilize, save your marriage.

I think the EA's hurt more cause their heart is in it. not just their... well you know


Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: AZ
JVS3
Member
Member # 20124
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, July 13th (Monday)

Even after passing polygraph that there was no PA I still had doubts. My H could lie so well that I figured somehow he had managed to screw with the exam/examiner.

Anyway, recently I decided to listen one last time to the taped conversation of my H and the OW before deleting it. In it he is telling her how I had him under surveillance/suspicion and that he couldn't get away from me (this after telling me he wanted to go/be with me everywhere to prove to me that nothing was going on).

Then for the first time I really heard what she said in reply. She asked "Is she vexed with me?" Of course, the asshole answered that I didn't know who it was and she didn't have to worry.

After thinking about it, "Is she vexed with me?" I think these words would have been too mild a reaction from the OW if they had been having a PA.

Thoughts from anyone?


Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. - Robert Fulghum

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.


Posts: 409 | Registered: Jul 2008
At Fault?
Member
Member # 24267
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, July 13th (Monday)

I am in almost same exact position.
I feel like I will never be sure about the PA possibility. She has told me many details and I have snooped endlessly. But unless you and I learn how to read minds we will never know for sure.
I will continue to dig around and I am forced to assume that there may always be more.
It sucks to be us, we didn't choose it. We just get to clean it up.


DD 6/3/09
Me 44 BH
Her 44 STBXW
2 Kids 15 & 10
Married 20 Years
Dec 2011, early Christmas present. She filed for divorce, got a new place to live and moved out, without even 1 word of warning. Reconciliation was BS. Just like the marriage.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jun 2009
JVS3
Member
Member # 20124
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, July 13th (Monday)

Thanks AF. It really sucks that I actually find reassurance in the OW's words when everything that HE said is like a dagger to my soul.


Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. - Robert Fulghum

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.


Posts: 409 | Registered: Jul 2008
kayz28
New Member
Member # 24810
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)

I don't know where I fit in here. And not sure where to even post, or if I should. I am currently separated from my husband who had an affair with ex wife while we were married, she now lives in my house with him. But I have had a friend also for almost 2 yrs, who is married. We met on an adult dating site and his reasoning was his wife was very over weight. It wasnt suppose to be anything but a few times in the sack, but over the last 2 years it has turned into a very emotional affair. He is military and I have waited thru his deployments,he has flown me to where he was in training to spend time with him. He is the best thing that has happened to me, other than he is married. I am 51 y/0 and he is 37. He's been married 15 yrs and has 4 kids. She is a stay at home mom and supposedly does not have any idea about me. I actually go to his house and eat supper with them from time to time and she thinks I am just a friend. So why am I writing here? This man has my heart and soul, and I love him so much. He says he feels the same, BUT will NOT leave his marraige. I have recently decided that a move back to my home town (300 miles) is the best thing for both of us. I dont want to hurt his kids, or actually his wife either. She is very obese, but that is not a reason to do this to her. I am really torn. Do I walk away and leave it be, or should she know what hes been doing? As a woman, I would want to know. Or is it better to be quiet????

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Omaha NE
pamspray
New Member
Member # 24760
Helpless  Posted: 6:26 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)

hearing my husband tell me that he loves another woman is the hardest thing i've ever had to hear.

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: PA
feelingdead
Member
Member # 23591
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)

I'm a member of this group also. Glad to see it exist. My H was a 13+ year EA (only because she is in another town although they did see each other once so who knows, could be PA). High school GF found on Classmates (hate that sight!).

He's finally admitting it was an affair and blew us apart. We are working on R but it's only been 3 months so there are still tons of questions and healing to be done.


Married 23 years
Three teenagers
Dday1 4/11/09 (two for one, one PA, one EA, two OW, then found out about three more plus MULTIPLE boundary issues)
Dday2 3/27/10 (two more!)
Dday 3 3/21/10 (one more PA)

Posts: 204 | Registered: Apr 2009
kayz28
New Member
Member # 24810
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)

I guess having been on both sides, do I leave it behind or do I tell her? Im glad someone told me, but maybe not for everyone.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Omaha NE
butifuldisaster
Member
Member # 24089
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)

kayz28, i would tell his wife and end it immeadetly. and you can always check out wayward forums. they would have better advice....


i too am a memmber of the EA group, as far as i know. my SO has trickled truth me to no end. and i feel i've become close to giving up. he had 5 EAs and i just found out one i thought ended in feb lasted much longer. told him i was pregnant in march. found out he'd added her to a myspace he'd set up to look at my profile. his last log in date was 5/4/09. we were already doing CC. no wonder it didn't work. he went 100% for R june 9th, but left that part out. turns out the OW left out she was engaged. i wish i could talk to her F and let him know what he's dealing with.

he still says he was just "talking" to all of these girls. but did admit to trying and wanting a PA with one of them. but that it never went there. (i doubt it cause we bought a new pack of condoms and six went missing around that time. even though i found out later she doesn't use condoms anyways. her and her H cheat on each other constantly. ya that was a keeper.)

my SO won't tell me anything about this last one. and i fear there's more than i know. because when i discovered it and even now he protects her. he didn't do that with any of the other ones. he doesn't understand that what he did was cheating. he just says it was inappropriate. i now fear theres more than i know, maybe even more OW. or that most didn't end. (2 were ok with the fact that i'm here. talk about self esteem. ) he took away from our relationship to feed these. he's a constant disappointment to me and im beginning to fear he will always be, and will prolly do the same things to my daughter. i wish he could understand. i don't know if we'll make it through this....

oh yea, and he's always said an ex of his who was a pediphile (long story) and used him, was the love of his life. has he ever taken it back? sorta. but i will always believe he's just with me until she comes around. (even though they don't talk.) he's compared every girl and relationship to her, which made them all fail. why? cause she was a predator catching her prey. it was a fantasy, so therefore not a true relationship. gave him false expectations. another thing was he always told OW they were beautiful. and would always stop saying it to me at this time, so he's no longer able to say that to me anymore period. i can't deal. so what does he do? starts calling me pretty. not breathtaking, or poetry, or gorgeous, or anything. pretty. how belittling is that compared to beautiful like the OW were?

[This message edited by butifuldisaster at 7:56 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]


nothing is ever truly impossible

Posts: 635 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Arizona
kayz28
New Member
Member # 24810
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 15th (Wednesday)

I think the worst thing other than the A he was having was him denying it and denying it even after I knew the truth, seemed like he didnt know how to tell the truth. I think if he had admitted it and came clean it would have made a huge difference. I am afraid of hurting my As kids, and wife, they have done nothing to deserve this heartache. Telling her is best though??

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Omaha NE
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 15th (Wednesday)

Welcome, kayz
I also PMed.

I am a FWW 2 years out. I am sorry you find yourself in here.

So it looks like you are separated and stbxW, and then unknowingly became the OW.

And MM sounds like a typical cakeman. He likes to keep both world. By being someone's secret, you are disrespecting yourself. Just because he hasn't kissed you, or hasn't had sexual intercourse with you, that doesn't mean that he is innocent. He is thinking like most WSs, as long as it doesn't get physical, he is ok, but he is wrong.

Think about this in the long run. It will not be good for your emotional well-being.

Since he already told you that he will not leave his W, which means that you will always be the OW.

His W deserve to know, but you cannot predict how she would react. Even if you told his W, he will deny like typical foggy MM behavior and W will buy his lies, or if he is a serial cheater, there are possiblity that many other other women at each places.

It is up to you to tell his W, but I must say, run to the other direction, and cut him off before you go into the full PA.

Hang in there. Beach


[This message edited by beach at 11:45 AM, July 15th (Wednesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
kayz28
New Member
Member # 24810
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)

Thank you Beach for even responding to me. I know it must look so terrible to have put myself in this position. As far as physical, it has been from the beginning. But also very emotional. I dont know anymore what to think. I really love him for what ever reason I could have. I don't want to hurt her but yeah, when I leave Im sure there will be another, if not already. It's hard to move on , again. I always feel like Im running.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Omaha NE
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)

Hey, kayz.

So it is PA/EA?

Anyways, you are right. He sounds like a typical narcisistic personality disorder and probably has a multiple other womens under his wings, like ducks in the row for ego boost.

Now, I posted this "addictive relationship" thread in Wayward. I wanted to share this with you.

***********************
If you are still in the fantasy stage and only enjoying the highs, think about this. Addictive relationships have you doing things you would not 'normally' do.

*Like sitting and waiting for a long time for a phone call and then getting moody when it doesn't happen.

*Like keeping your schedule open for "what if" someone is available; putting you life 'on hold' for someone else.

*Like doing things you wouldn't do except that it's for/about "that" person.

*Like being cranky and mean to other people in your life because you are not happy with the way the addictive R is going.

*Like obsessing in your mind and compulsive behavior to be with the person.

*Like forgetting about 'everything' else in your life when in the presence of the person. This is where reality meets fantasy. You are so myopic (near sighted) you don't see the rest of the world around you. You create a reality to escape to and push away the rest of the world - reality.

*You feel love, and especially passion, but you are not loving to the rest of the world. Your love is coveted for the one person.

*The difference between an addictive relationship and a healthy relationship is how it affects your OTHER relationships; especially the one with yourself!

Rather than thinking of it as real vs addictive think of it as healthy vs addictive. What is a healthy relationship? Fantasy is just part of addictive relationships. A healthy relationship doesn't need fantasy... it's just... healthy!

I got this from one of my wise women. And I don't miss those emotional roller coasters. I don't want to go back there.

Speaking from my own experience, when most FWSs were not in the normal 24/7 relationship with xAP and not in the marrieage where there is no domestic responsibilities, taking care of kids, or paying the bills, most WS tend to rominticize xAP looking through the rose colored glasses and think xAP is ideal person in their view. Limited time meetings/communication fuels the fantasy world and it enabled FWSs to perpetuate the fantasies and became the intense meeting/chat session and look forward to the next session.


Let's not forget following stuff.


*Healthy love isn't a secret

*Healthy love doesn't deceive anyone

*Healthy love doesn't leave you in a state of confusion

*Healthy love doesn't cause resentment

*Healthy love doesn't have you 'waiting, just in case'

*Healthy love isn't bits and pieces of your partners time

*Healthy love doesn't have you lower your expectations

I hope this makes sense.

[This message edited by beach at 10:19 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)

Oh and Kayz, are you in IC? If not, in the mean time, please look into love addiction, codependency, abandonment issues. You need to reconnect with yourself and dig deeeper, why you are attracted to an unavailable man.

Following books helped me.

"Love addiction" by Pea Melody

"Codependent no more", "Beyond codependent", "the language of letting go", and "Journey to the heart". All are by Melody Beattie

"Journey from abandonment to healing" by Susan Anderson.

Good luck.

I sent you PM, but you can PM me anytime. Hang in there.

[This message edited by beach at 10:24 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
kayz28
New Member
Member # 24810
Cool  Posted: 6:38 AM, July 16th (Thursday)

Oh my!! The addictive relationship warning signs were an eye opener! There was not one that did not apply to me!! I have fallen into this trap all my life. Abandonment issues stem from being adopted at birth, at least thats what I have thought. I have read Codependent no more, several years ago, and will have to get it again. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Omaha NE
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Wink  Posted: 8:31 AM, July 16th (Thursday)

You are welcome and I am glad it helped.

.....One more book suggestion. "Women, Sex, and addiction" by Charlotte Kasl Davis.

Oh and you can come back to Wayward forum and you can start your thread without the "stop" sign as Deeply Scared instructed you.

[This message edited by beach at 10:39 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Stop
Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 16th (Thursday)

[This message edited by Stop at 10:41 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 29th (Wednesday)

Count me in. My husband was having an EA for 3 1/2 months. One of my co-workers saw him kissing her in the post office parking lot, he denies they were kissing. I found out on our 5 year weddding anniversary, May 29th.
We are R but I still hurt so bad, I don't know how to get past this and move on. Whenever we talk about our future or things we would like to do together I get so pissed. He acted like he hated me for 3 months and lied to my face day in and day out and she was so much more important to him than I was or his kids where, how do you just shut that off, I don't get it!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
doesitend
Member
Member # 25040
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 5th (Wednesday)

I feel so... I don't even know how I feel anymore.

My WS started a EA with a woman a "vendor" at work introduced him to- not thinking of the major work consequences of his job! He emailed her in December- right around my b-day, x-mas, and our sons adoption. He even told her things he "got for x-mas" that he actually got for me! Then in Feb. they met in person at a poker game and the whole thing ended b/c neither liked the other- yeah for me, except at the same time he was starting an EA with a former co-worker, who came to him for domestic violence help. HE told both women that he was a single dad, never married, and that he was adopting his dead sisters child. It was as if I hadn't exisisted for the past 7 years.
What hurts the most- he was using my career and knowledge to help this woman- he would call me and ask for DV shelters or counselors in the area and then asked me for the website where I got info about childcare centers. Then he lied to me telling me that Woman was a Man whose wife was a drug addict and he would go out with Man to cheer him up. When I found the text message log and cell phone bill- at first I thought my WH was gay- all the names were a mans. Then I called the number- whoops! Got caught.
He lied to me and told me to sleep-in on Saturdays so he could take our son to have a playdate with the man- it kills me to know he was out with her, WITH OUR SON!!! He even took our son on a playdate to my most favorite place in the world- that we don't get to go to often b/c it is expensive- now I can't go b/c it is a trigger!
How can he tell me he loves me and wants to R, when he wrote me out of his life for 5-6 months and told the other woman he loved her? IS it normal for them to lie so much to get away with the EA?


BS-me
WS-him
married 8 years
1 child- 2.5 boy
D-Day- April 28, 2009- 2 EA's found out in same day
Trickle Truth- keep finding out new stuff.
Dday#2- Sept. 7, 2009- 4 women, 4 years
He filed for divorce 1 week after I got back from my friends!

Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2009
mermaidsd
Member
Member # 25035
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)

Thank you for that list, Beach.

Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2009
iamsurviving
Member
Member # 23478
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, August 7th (Friday)

H had an EA for 3 years (3 months of emails) back in 07. I'm having a terrible time getting through it. I constantly rehash the emails back and forth with myself, cry during the day and night and in the car. The little things are driving me absolutely crazy. H broke his leg and I had to drive him back and forth to work for 10 weeks. I didn't know I was sending H upstairs to OP through all of this. We're 42+ years of marriage -I am not in MC and don't want to be. I need to know if anyone else is going through this horrible rehashing and am I losing my mind or what? H wants to work marriage out and so do I but for 19 months it has been up and down so much. It's wearing me out emotionally, financially, spiritually and whatever else is left. I feel so sad all the time and I feel like everyone knows about it. No one knows about the EA. My best friends passed away 3 years ago so I'm lost for someone to talk to. Can anyone tell me I'm going to be OK? Some days I feel like it's ok and sometimes I don't know what I'm doing here. OP no longer works with H and there has been no correspondence whatsoever since 12/07 - I can't get over the disloyalty and the broken vows after 40+ years of marriage. Hope everyone here has a good day and I hope I didn't upset anyone. I just need to know I'm normal and everything will be OK. Thank you for letting me vent and God bless all of you here.


Me: BS (68)
Him: WH (72)
Married: 48 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

Posts: 304 | Registered: Apr 2009
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, August 7th (Friday)

iamsurviving,
I promise you, you're not the only one who's gone through this experience, and I promise you, life will get better
Hugs to you


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
thrown4aloop
Member
Member # 24943
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, August 12th (Wednesday)

Why is that the H's don't think the EA are a bad thing. My H thinks that he should be able to talk to who ever, how ever he feels is right. I think a PA would be far worse but the EA still have the same effect in my opinion.

i have been through two of them now and they suck. I don't know if R is even a option in his mind right now.

I read all the posts and feel just like everyone else here.

Thanks for putting this link in.


Me 38
Wh 42
d-day 1 4/08 (EA)
d-day 2 7/09 different OW (EA)
R was going good until 5/09

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2009
living_life
New Member
Member # 25176
Question  Posted: 6:52 AM, August 14th (Friday)

I'm new here. Been lurking. I need to know if anyone else has been in a similar situaiton to me.

My h had a 6 week EA, but the woman he fell in love with did not return his feelings.

Is it still an EA if the ow doesn't return the feelings?

My other problem is my h doesn't think he had an affair, b/c it wasn't physical + she didn't feel the same way about him.

I want him to look on this website, in the desperate hope he will understand some of what I'm going through, but how can I ask, when he denies it was an affair?

He texted her daily, msn daily, called every 2 days (that I know of), took her out to resturants, just the two of them, went for long walks, just the two of them + more and he hid all of this from me.

And Yes, I am 110% sure it was just EA and she didn't return the feelings b/c I was the one to call her and tell her my h loved her (after he told me over the phone "I don't know if I love you or want to be with you anymore... I love ow") and she freaked out. She has been the only person in this mess to be completely honest with me.


Me: BS
D-day: Oct 26th 2008
Married: 12 years

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2009
yazman
Member
Member # 24616
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, August 14th (Friday)

Same happened to me with W who was talking and texting to ex BF for about 3 months everday until he went back to prison. And this was 5 years into the marriage. W will not see that as having an EA. W states "I just talked to an old BF." I told her once or twice I could try and understand. But 5 years into the marriage and then 3 months of phone calls and texts when I'm not around is just plain wrong.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jun 2009
mybugga
Member
Member # 25014
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, August 14th (Friday)

welcome yaz

First of all we are all so sorry that you are here.

I'm a member of the emotional affairs club also. It has truly been hell for me. But do know that you are not alone in this.
SI can be a great support system for you.
mybugga


BS(Me)40
FWS(Him)49 Brief EA
Married 14 years
2 Daughters 13 and 9
D-Day was June 15th of 2009
FOW-Aquiantance of childhood friend. Newly seperated from her H. Several years older then my H. With 2 grown children.
Making an attempt at R


Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Wisconsin
living_life
New Member
Member # 25176
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, August 14th (Friday)

yazman, did the ex boyfriend return the feelings?

I'm just wondering if it is an EA if the OP doesn't return the feelings


Me: BS
D-day: Oct 26th 2008
Married: 12 years

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2009
yazman
Member
Member # 24616
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 14th (Friday)

(Living_Life)

Yes, he did, and threatened to kill me because I never asked for his permission to marry W while he was in prison. He's an immigrant and I guess in his country that's the way things go.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jun 2009
shushpuppy
New Member
Member # 25232
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, August 20th (Thursday)

6 years ago my hubby started a new job after spending 18months unemployed. His self esteem was at an all time low and we werent exactly seeing eye to eye. 6 months into his job i was usig his mobile phone to send a text message to my sister and saw a text message saying Hi Gorgeous, your quiet today xxxxxxx The look on his face was that of shock and horror when i read it out and he just didnt have a clue what to say. He stuttered, stammered and said a male friend had sent it as a joke. I didnt buy it! He became very angry that i had even been using his phone when it was the normal thing for me to do.

I kept my eyes and ears open and my mouth shut. I noticed one particular number kept ringing him and vice versa. This number belonged to another female work colleague. Their phone calls always seemed to be done during his lunchtime and lasted for periods of up to 30 minutes.

I confronted him and as you can guess he denied everything. Told me it was all work related and i should basically mnd my own business.

He is very protective of this OW and wont have anyone say a wrong word about her. She is married and has a child.

Recently the pair of them lost their jobs and were made redundant. Out of 30 employees they were the only ones sent packing and now all contact between them has ceased.

They have both secured jobs with the same new employer but according to his phone records all contact has definately stopped!

How would others view this?

Just need someone elses perspective on it please.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: UK
jolene
Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 4:18 AM, August 21st (Friday)

Out of 30 employees they were the only ones sent packing

Is it possible that they were caught at work? This seems awfully strange, unless a whole department was cut out. Oftentimes APs think they're being very secretive but their body language just doesn't lie.

I say this because my FWH's A was with a coworker and I had a couple of colleagues make comments to me about how close they were during the EA phase.

Also, I wouldn't believe that there is no contact between them, not just yet. Your H could have a secret cell, or he could be using only his work phone. Best case scenario, they got fired for misconduct (from being together, letting work slide etc.) and it was a wake-up call. WPrst case scenario, they've taken it underground.

Have you thought about telling her husband what you know?

[This message edited by jolene at 4:19 AM, August 21st (Friday)]


Divorced 10/2013! Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
shushpuppy
New Member
Member # 25232
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 21st (Friday)

I think they were made redundant because of inappropriate behaviour too. It was just a gut feeling i had. No real concrete proof only phone bills to look at and they dont tell anyone what the conversations were about. I knew that each time my hubby was called into the office at work and reprimanded for something he did, she was always somewhere in the mix of things. Both were always reprimanded together!

I would love to ring her husband but to be honest i dont have enough proof or concrete evidence to do that at this moment in time.

Two seperate people from my hubbies new employment have told me this OW does not work for his company. My hubby insists she does but they are not in contact. Why would he tell me that? and why would two other people lie to me? as he says they are doing?


Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: UK
jolene
Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 21st (Friday)

You know, even phone bills are pretty clear evidence to me. When someone spends hours talking to another man, it's pretty obvious what's going on.

I understand your desire to sweep it under the rug and not call the OW's H.

Maybe your H is telling you that OW works with him to justify himself if you ever find calls from her again? It is really weird for him to say that she does work with him when others say she doesn't.

Can you (or a friend) call their workplace and ask for her? That may clear it up once and for all!

Sorry if I sound so convinced that he's still in contact, I'm having a rough day!


Divorced 10/2013! Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
shushpuppy
New Member
Member # 25232
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, August 22nd (Saturday)

I have witheld my number and faked a conversation with the OW myself, pretending i was looking for the company she worked for. She told me that she doesnt work for that company, she doesnt work for any comopany and the number i reached was her private mobile phone which she uses for opersonal calls.

I confronted hubby about it and he told me she was undercover about it because she doesnt want her previous boss to know she works there.

Hubby told me he met up with her back in February at a customers for her to collect some paperwork. I later found out the village he had visited was where she lived. The customer he said he went to, i rang and they had no idea who he was and had never heard of his company.

I confronted him over that too and of course he screamed and shouted at me about being a bunny boiler.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: UK
living_life
New Member
Member # 25176
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, August 22nd (Saturday)

sushpuppy,

I think your husband is still in the affair. It sounds like he is trying to convince you you're crazy, so you will back off and leave him alone.

You're not crazy. Go with your gut. He's lying to you.

Get as much evidence as you can. Check email, msn, Facebook, get someone to 'drop in' at his new work, get a keylogger.

Once you have your arsanal of evidence, confront your husband and OW H.

What you are living is not a marriage of two people in love, but a sham of being lied to while your husband develops 'feelings' for OW which left unchecked will probably turn into PA.

I know I am being blunt, but if I'd stopped making excuses and 'trusting' my husband and gone with my gut sooner, then maybe it wouldn't have gotten to the stage where I got the 'I don't know if I love you, I love OW' speach.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you are amongst others who share your pain and will support you through this. {{Huggs}}


Me: BS
D-day: Oct 26th 2008
Married: 12 years

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2009
chicstyler
Member
Member # 25111
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, August 23rd (Sunday)

I'm in the EA club too. MYWS had a 21 year EA with X-W. X-W lied ,cheated and had an abortion with a 15 year old boy.I could go on and tell you the whole sad story but I'll try to keep it brief. I've had 3 years that were really bad .The EA was just the straw that broke my heart. I had breast cancer, on the same day I had my mastectomy my Mom was admitted to the hospital{the first of many over the next 2 years}. My Mom almost died ,she was in a coma for 3 weeks and we almost lost her then. while I was going through chemo our precious dog passed away. My Mom passed away Mothers day 2008, 6 months later we find out my WS had ALS {lou Gehrigs disease},5 days later i find out about EA.21 years of lying, betrayal,cheating, and conspiracy. He ended a few letters with LOVE, WS set up a hotmail account solely for X-W,WS called X-W on our home phone while I was working, and X-W lived in our little town for a time I have no idea if they met or not. They easily could have met,we were only about 1mile or less from X-W.I feel like I'm going crazy most of the time . we are doing IC and MC.hasn't helped myWS at all ,so he started with new one last week. I hate my life right now .If it wasn't for SI I would have to be committed . Everyone treats me like I'm the bad one because I haven't forgiven WS yet . Thank all of you for listening and giving advice and hugs.

[This message edited by chicstyler at 11:28 PM, August 23rd (Sunday)]


BS(me)52
WH 60 ,EA with lying, cheating X-W
married 30yrs, betrayal #1 1983, #2 1986 & #3 1988(21 yrs)X-W
2 daughters(26 & 24)

Posts: 154 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: PA living with spouse
shushpuppy
New Member
Member # 25232
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, August 28th (Friday)

I think he is definately in contact with the OW. He let it slip last week that he has a work phone in his office which is part of a work contract. He has had it a week. I cannot access those bills. However i did manage to get a printout of all his calls on his personal mobile for the last year and it appears he has not rang her once.

I still have this gut feeling he is having conversations with her though.

His new works mobile it appears has to be kept at work in his office. Makes me laugh really because none of the other blokes who have these contract phones have to leave theirs at work. Just him!


Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: UK
2yrsinthedark
Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, September 5th (Saturday)

I just posted this on R forum but thought I could share this w/ my EA club. I dont think he will ever or can ever change.


I think WH and I are heading towards separation. He just doesnt get it. I figured out that he deleted part of a chat in his phone. I found out he opened a secret Tagged.com cuz his friend asked him to. Yet he cant understand why I still can not trust him. I confronted him on the text, he said he deleted it because she said something like "hi handsome, I've missed you" He replied, "missed you too." He figured I wouldnt like that very much. He said the he opened the tagged site (different person by the way), but he doesnt use it. She sends him flirty comments on it. He doesnt tell her not to. Believe it or not, I dont think he is up to anything, BUT I do know that if these "friends" cross lines, he wont tell them anything. He can not hurt thier feelings but he messes w/ my feelings all the time. This is how the first A started. She told him she had met the perfect guy but he is married. He resisted for a while, but that relationship obviously developed into the EA. Like her, he will not back away from a relationship if they tell him something inappropriate. He thinks I should just trust. We have had this discussion so many times, he stops for a while and goes right back to his "friends." I am so tired of snooping and he is sick and tired of my attitude. Financially we are stuck w/ each other, but I think im ready to give up on this relationship. Just let him do what he wants.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)

Found out last week not just EA A anymore, there was kissing and hugging and cuddling and in back of mind think a little sex on the side.

Very upset and not sure how to get the mind movies to stop even though deep down I think I knew.

Frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
Meesha
New Member
Member # 25397
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, September 14th (Monday)

My WS has has both an EA and has mess around with prostitutes. To be honest the EA was harder to take. Actually there were two EA's. Both were from affairs he had during his first marriage. I think the only reason there was no physical interaction was due to distance. There were hundreds of text messages, hundreds. My d-day for both kinds of betrayal was last June. In mid month he confessed to the prostitutes but I discovered the EA's at the end of the month. They were worse.
We've decided to stay together but it's been really hard dealing with the depression from all this. He feels better after confessing but all the wieght of this has fallen on me.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: DC
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, December 2nd (Wednesday)

Bump!!!

Posts: 1619 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Star727
Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, December 22nd (Tuesday)

I'm pretty sure my WH is only having an EA. Its long term - going on about 10 or 15 years.

He had prostate cancer surgery a few years ago and because of that, sex is extremely difficult and not very satisfying for him so he has basically given up trying. He makes sure I'm sexually satisfied and I've constantly let him know that as long as he does that, I'm okay and simpathetic with his situation. He has also developed discoloring in his genital area. All his pigmentation is gone (I think its due to incontinence that has burned his skin like a baby sitting in a wet diaper too long). He is so self conscious about that, I can't see him allowing another woman to look at that. It doesnt look good at all, in fact its gross, but I'm his wife and I have to suck it up and deal with it and try to make him feel okay with himself.

Thats why I'm pretty sure he's not having a PA. He wants people to think highly of him and if they saw him with no clothes on, they would say yuck!!!!!

With all that said, he's going to fool around and be divorced by me because emotional affairs are about the heart and if I have to share his heart with another woman, I would rather be single.

I cant have his body like I should have it so I will not share his heart with another.


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
crumbled cookie
Member
Member # 9715
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, December 22nd (Tuesday)

is this an EA?....someone in my family a female is what she calls friends with a male who is seperated from his wife. The man still sees his wife and sleeps with her.

The man wants to be more than just friends with my family member. The family member just got a divorce and is seeing another man also.

The family member meets with this guy every week for dinner and there is numerous phone calls. They talk about their spouses and problems. The man is very jealous of my family members A with the other man. He talks about having a PA with her. She just wants to keep it friends, but she admits and attraction to him.

She will not do a PA with him because he is talking about divorce with his wife but not doing it. she does not want to be the OW.

Is this a EA relationship?...I think it is as it is escalating. Right now it is dinner once a week and txts and calls.


Posts: 1133 | Registered: Feb 2006
Star727
Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, December 22nd (Tuesday)

Sounds like an EA to me. Your family member shouldnt be dining and texting a married man. That constitutes a "relationship" and as you see, he seems to want a little more cause he has some feelings for her.

Whenever a couple has feelings for each other, whether sexual or emotional - its a relationship.


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
tormentedsoul
Member
Member # 16989
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, December 22nd (Tuesday)

crumbled cookie
here's the best way to determine if a relationship has crossed the line.. a shopping list if you will

Has your friendship become an emotional affair?

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you're alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?

SOURCE: "NOT 'JUST FRIENDS,' " BY SHIRLEY GLASS

and an article for you
http://www.csmonitor.com/2003/1029/p14s01-lire.html

sounds like there is definitely sexual tension in the relationship.. and if all the interaction is being kept from the spouses then it's an EA for sure


EA's - they really suck!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Lost in the woods
flower2010
Member
Member # 26889
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, December 23rd (Wednesday)

I am in the EA club and posted in Just Found Out. Glad this group is here and the above questions are really good. How many EAs are really EAs? How do we really know? I find it very hard to trust my spouse that the EA hasn't gone to PA. However we just started this road and he's in the 'fog.'

Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2009
trustagain
Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, December 27th (Sunday)

I am sorry, but no longer belong here - JFO my WH's EA was really a PA. This sucks... I kind of always had that thought in the back of my mind. I always questioned why someone would have a secret cell phone just to talk to someone, but I never had proof. Now I do so I must say goodbye to this thread.


WH - 48
BS (me) - 50
Son - 25
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4473 | Registered: Nov 2007
flower2010
Member
Member # 26889
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, December 30th (Wednesday)

sorry trustagain that you have to leave this tread. I have a feeling my WS's 'EA' is really a PA but no proof. Apparenty I need to catch them in the 'act' for him to tell me.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2009
hertin4certin
New Member
Member # 27023
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, January 1st (Friday)

Hi everybody - new at this. My story is similar to all of yours, but my WH had EAs with women less than half his age. The first one really rocked my world. I was almost beginning to trust again, which took about five years, when I found out about the second one. He swears he's changed, but how can I possibly ever trust him again? I can't help feeling old, ugly and unwanted. Why would someone who supposedly loves you hurt you so badly? I used to be a pretty happen person.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: midwest
flower2010
Member
Member # 26889
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, January 2nd (Saturday)

well i was a short time member of this group - ea was a pa. it took proof for WS to confess

Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2009
Blindsided37
Member
Member # 25963
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, January 2nd (Saturday)

Glad I found this thread. My WS had an EA and when I found out, he was leaving himself wide open for a couple more; in other words, getting inappropriately friendly with women he thought needed his "help", in addition to the OW. I asked him to go NC with the OW and he said he did, but she still contacted him. He said he must not have been firm enough with her, so I got "firm enough" with her in a NC email. Supposedly he hasn't heard from her since.

I discovered the EA from cell phone records, a source I will not reveal to him. And because I won't reveal my source, there are instances that I know of, but cannot confront him with and he hasn't mentioned them. Frustrating!

It's been a few months, but I'm still vigilent. He lied so well that I'll probably never believe anything he says again. His cell calls have dropped off so much that I'm now suspecting a secret phone.

FLower 2010 - Mind if I ask what proof you found to make him confess?


WS: Him (62)BS: Me (59)
Married 36 yrs - 2 Grown children
DDay: May 23,09 DDay #2: 9/09
R: Slowly...


Posts: 557 | Registered: Oct 2009
flower2010
Member
Member # 26889
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, January 2nd (Saturday)

a $60 voice activated recorder from Walmart. It recorded him having sex with OW in MY car! Get velco and attach it under his car seat.
For the last two weeks I was told he wasn't talking to her and there was NC in place.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2009
gabyzee
New Member
Member # 27026
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, January 2nd (Saturday)

New here and, quite frankly, not happy to be here. But reading all of your posts has been incredibly helpful.

I've had my suspiscions for a couple of months, and I've been tracking the cell phone calls to her (2-3/day - some up to 30 minutes at a time). I finally confronted him yesterday. He admitted to the "very close friendship" but swore up and down nothing physical had happened - because he's married and he loves me. But - and it's a BIG but - he blamed me 100% for this happening to begin with. Our sex life, after 20 years, was lousy, I was unsupportive, I smoke (which he doesn't like), etc., etc. When I told him he had to cut off all contact with her (he works with her - she's his "assistant" - could we possibly get any more cliched here???) he told me he didn't know if he wants to do that.

I just don't know where to go from here. Just because he didn't actually have a PA with her, doesn't make it any less hurtful. I really just want to kill him right now.

Not sure we're going to get through this.....


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2010
nyclady
Member
Member # 26020
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, January 2nd (Saturday)

Gaby-You have a pm.


Feeling hopeless in New York. Please, before you think of giving comfort to me, read my story on my profile before you do.

Me and WH-56
Married 34 years, childhood sweethearts, friends 43 years.
DD-October 7, 2009
Sadly, but luckily, no children


Posts: 318 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: United States
Blindsided37
Member
Member # 25963
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, January 3rd (Sunday)

(((flower2010))), I'm sorry you had to find out like that. I've considered a var as well. For sure I'll hear a lot more than he's telling me. Good luck to you how ever you decide to proceed.


WS: Him (62)BS: Me (59)
Married 36 yrs - 2 Grown children
DDay: May 23,09 DDay #2: 9/09
R: Slowly...


Posts: 557 | Registered: Oct 2009
Bussy Boo
New Member
Member # 25791
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, January 10th (Sunday)

Hi everyone, glad this is a separate site, there seems to be a lot of us here and your right it hurts so much, the sex has nothing to do with it, count me in as one of the gang.
hugs to everyone who is suffering xx

Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: west sussex
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
What?  Posted: 4:16 PM, January 21st (Thursday)

hey all ... I belong to this thread also ... must have missed it on all my trips thru the I can relate forum ...

it is easier if you read my profile than for me to try and explain it ...

let it be said that stbxwh's EA started end of 06 or start of 07 and the PA started in the summer of 07 ...

he choose the OW and they are now happily in love and still seeing eachother ...

tho he claims it is only 1-2 a week ... ya right ... he also says they are not living together and have no future plans .... ya right ... he also says he is not around her when she has her 2 small boys from her M ... ya right ...

anyway here is my update for the last few days ... again you can read my profile/recent posts that will kinda catch you up ... as I tend to be kinda long winded as you can already tell ...

hey everyone ... hello newbies to this thread ... we have some really great members of this thread and they give amazing advice and support ...
been having a pretty good week since I last posted ... can't complain for once ...

Only thing that has come up is I got my w-2's yesterday and mailed them off to stbxwh today ... he is going to file taxes as married more $$$ ...

then after that he will be doing the D thing ... so I really don't have any emotion about that yet ... don't know if I am in shock, numb, or just don't care anymore ....

I have not broke the 180 again since the last time I think it was over a week ago that I did ...

so that is my update ... just waiting on the roller coaster to start again and praying that it does not ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
shatteredwindow
Member
Member # 27051
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, January 23rd (Saturday)

This is me too!...My WW had an EA with an old bf...online

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2010
Drk.8
Member
Member # 26950
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, January 23rd (Saturday)

Guess I belong to this thread now. H’s affair went from EA to PA & is back at EA, will probably remain EA for a while, they’re coworkers and NC is very hard to establish since the crowd he hangs out with includes the OW.

What's so frustrating is he doesn't get what an EA is, thinks as long as it's not physical, it's not an affair.


Me-BS-38, him-WH-40
Married 13+ yrs, together 17 yrs
Perfect 10 yr-old son
DD#1-6/5/09, DD#2-7/8/09, DD#3-12/18/09
Divorcing

Posts: 104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: US
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Shutup  Posted: 12:18 AM, January 24th (Sunday)

hmmm ... not really sure I belong here anymore ...

I didn't think this thread was just for EA's only ...

sorry to "butt in" my mistake ...

My STBXWH had a LTA with his bff's WW ... it started out as just a EA(end of 06 started) for the 1st few months ...

and then in summer of 07 turned into a PA ... till present as he choose OW ...

anyway sorry ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, January 24th (Sunday)

Here I am again. Back in 2003 I was in the JFO. D in 2004, met my SO that same year.

Just last week I discovered SO's secret emails through Classmates with his XW. Not of a sexual nature, but she was pushing his buttons, baiting him, and they were flirty. It has been a week of hell... I never thought I would have to go through this again, but here I am.

What hurts so damn bad is that he didn't tell me he was communicating with her... lies of omission. He has no children with her, the marriage was annulled 20 years ago when she left him for OM after 2 weeks of marriage. I didn't even know her name.... she was not a factor in our relationship at all... until now.

I never thought in my wildest dreams he would ever hurt me.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, January 29th (Friday)

My hopefully FWH will only admit to "just friends" even after I bought him the book Not Just Friends. He admits that keeping her secret, phone calls, lunch and dinner at our favorite resturant for all of our anniversaries and bithdays was wrong. But that is all he will ever admit to. I have no proof of anything sexual, had STDs test and it came back thank God negitive.

I only have my gut that tells me there was at least some kind of physical contact between them.

It's like a "white whale" that will always be between us because he just isn't going to give me anymore information. His "just a friend" will not speak to me.

Even though this happened in 2008 I still can't get past my gut feeling. But what can I do about it? What would I do about it if I knew the truth. I've been married for 37 years. R is going well, some days better than others, but it is still right there in my gut.

So I guess I belong here and even if I don't I feel welcome here.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
Blindsided37
Member
Member # 25963
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, February 1st (Monday)

Nouveau: So sorry you're having to go thru this again. I can't even imagine the hurt you're experiencing.

I know something about lies of omission. They are just as hurtful as outright lies, if not more so, especially if you already know the truth and are just waiting for him to admit it. ugh.


WS: Him (62)BS: Me (59)
Married 36 yrs - 2 Grown children
DDay: May 23,09 DDay #2: 9/09
R: Slowly...


Posts: 557 | Registered: Oct 2009
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Frustrated  Posted: 11:37 PM, February 7th (Sunday)

ok have not posted here in awhile ... which is good I guess ...

But tonight after the super bowl was over and I was watching Drew Brees with his son ... and he was crying and then he teared up again when he mentioned him in his speech ...

triggered me onto the roller coaster again ... just WHAM out of the blue and there I was falling into sadness ...

that is all I ever wanted in my life was what was shining in Brees's eyes holding his son ... guess I hopes for wanted to much in my life ....

now I feel like I have to settle for school ... which I am excited for and a little nervous now ... I start in a week ...

but I all ever wanted was to be a mommy and have a man who loved me and my children ... just the simple things ... and seeing him with his son hearing him talk about him with pride and love in his voice ...

just brought it all crashing down that that shall never be for me ...

and it hurts so badly ...

So last week on Thursday I believe stbx called me to talk about taxes and this was during the storm when we had no power for a week ... anyway he caught me off gaurd calling me and I wound up sobbing on the phone when we hung up ...

not what I wanted to do was to have him hear me like that anymore ... UGH !!!!

anyway he called me yesterday morning also to get my new address so he could ssend me my 1/2 and I did not cry that time ...

both conversations were very short and to the point no chit chat ... both calls were less than 10 minutes ... kept strictly to $$$ and dogs ... so that was good ...

anyway just an update on where I am at ...

hope you all are doing well and may you all find the peace and balance your lives deserve ....

have a great Monday !!!!

and YAY SAINTS !!!!!

just thought I would put all the faces at the end this time ... I don't know why ... to be different ...

again not to sure I belong in this thread as my stbx's A was a PA but was very heavily involved in the EA also ... as they claim they are in love and it is not just sex, and they are still very much together in the homemaker sense ...

they live apart but they hang out together at her place all the time ... just like a family ... cooking, cleaning ect ... he is just not around the kids when they are there ... YET !!!

I am waiting on that bombshell or they wedding announcement ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
tworoads
New Member
Member # 27497
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, February 8th (Monday)

Hi Everyone:

I am glad this thread is here too. All I know for sure is that is was an EA. It took him several months to admit he had "an inappropriate relationship" that hurt me. So apparently he isn't inappropriate anymore...but still having contact. What exactly is he getting out of it. When I confronted him yesterday, he said they had not had contact and that he was healing and forgiving himself. Glad he is able to forgive himself, but in my mind that also means you do not repeat your behaviour.

I am getting tired of all of this drama...he said I drained him by asking well he said interrogating. Really I am drained by continually being lead down the garden path to the composte pile.


Me: BS(43)Him FWH(42)
Married 2.5yrs 4 Grown children
EA...DDay Jan 07
Long Distance R due to elderly parents. Struggling at times.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Feb 2010
tworoads
New Member
Member # 27497
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, February 10th (Wednesday)

Just an update...On Monday he admitted she attempted to contact him through a facebook message, he said he ignored it and did not tell me because he did not want to worry me. We were able to talk about what this did to me and how he promised to let me know of any contact. He said he would...trust but verify. verify verify.. He is coming to see me on Friday. I am hopeful once a gain but have my eyes open.


Me: BS(43)Him FWH(42)
Married 2.5yrs 4 Grown children
EA...DDay Jan 07
Long Distance R due to elderly parents. Struggling at times.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Feb 2010
Jay66
New Member
Member # 27433
Concerned  Posted: 5:40 PM, February 16th (Tuesday)

Wow I didn't know there was so many people on here for this. I've been with my husband for three years and try finding out he never let go of his ex, not when you met, not when you dated, married and had children. His EA had been carred on through out the years on and off...I feel like my whole marriage and everything is one big lie. I feel like I never had a chance at a happy normal relationship with him and 100 percent of his love. He swears up and down now that he has cut off all contacted and is doing everything and anything right since last and hopefully final DDay....but it hurts. I'm glad that there are other people here that knows even though there was no sex (well in the cases that there really was not sex, mine I know, shes states away and he works and comes home nothing else) it still hurts like hell. I wish it had been just sex and lust instead of being so emotionally intimate.


This is the strangest life I've ever known. -Jim Morrison

Me/BW 23
Him/WH 24
1 son 1 daughter(loves of my life!)
EA:him on and off for 3 years with ex girlfriend
NC: finally
In true R and loving it


Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: flying through outer space...or so it seems
taintedlove
New Member
Member # 27613
What?  Posted: 11:37 PM, February 17th (Wednesday)

New here and this is my first time posting. Guess I'm part of the club, my H had and EA/PA that lasted nearly 3 months which I discovered a year ago on Valentine's Day (talk about a great D-Day). The EA is the worst part of it even tho the PA isn't much easier to stomach. We are currently R in MC and there has been NC for nearly a year now. We're working on healing and most days FWH is trying hard to be the H that I need and deserve, but it's still so difficult. Sometimes I can't even believe this is my life. Although it's so sad to say this, I am glad to know there's a place where we can all share, vent and help each other through this painful process.


Me:BS,35 Him:FWH,39
Married 4.5 Together 8.5
EA/PA
DDay #1: 02/14/09
DDay #2: 03/05/09
NC,R - Thankfully
"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction."

Posts: 3 | Registered: Feb 2010
MrVanguard
Member
Member # 27692
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, February 28th (Sunday)

Hi all. I posted my story in Just Found Out forum last week but I'll give a quick summary.

My wife of 3 yrs had an EA with a co-worker. They only met once and the guy works 3 time zones away. But their work contact slowly became personal and flirty.

Soon enough, they were trading very intimate details about themselves over email. I caught her last week by seeing an email she had open (I then read some emails on her phone when she was in the shower).

I guess it's not as bad as it could have been, as they never discussed being together. It was mostly just sharing very personal details (though the guy said he did fantasize about having sex with her). But it was a major violation of trust. And it was VERY shocking to me.

The first few days were miserable. But we had a great MC session a few days ago. I came out of the session feeling quite good.

This weekend has been good too. I finally let her back into our bedroom after a week of sleeping elsewhere.

But I wonder if this good mood is just temporary or not. Our next MC session is next week.

My wife says it was just a fantasy and she never actually felt anything for this guy. I think this is the dangerous part of an EA- it's easy to get wrapped up in the fantasy of it.

[This message edited by MrVanguard at 9:39 PM, February 28th (Sunday)]


me- 34
W- 29
Married 4 years.

She was a WS (EA with co-worker) Feb 2010.
I was a WS (EA with ex-GF) Oct 2010.

R going very well.


Posts: 94 | Registered: Feb 2010
jsngold
Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, March 4th (Thursday)

Is it an EA if she:

1. Fantasized about him in her journal.

and

2. Had a heart-to-heart talk with him where they both said, "Yes, I am attracted to you, but nothing is going to happen because we are both married."

?


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
Blindsided37
Member
Member # 25963
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, March 4th (Thursday)

Is it an EA if she: Had a heart-to-heart talk with him where they both said, "Yes, I am attracted to you, but nothing is going to happen because we are both married."

I believe it is because to have gotten to that point there had to have been an emotional connection..emotional intimacy, which they say can be as powerful as physical intimacy.


WS: Him (62)BS: Me (59)
Married 36 yrs - 2 Grown children
DDay: May 23,09 DDay #2: 9/09
R: Slowly...


Posts: 557 | Registered: Oct 2009
circlingthedrain
Member
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, March 4th (Thursday)

jsngold: IMO yes it is. I believe there are two components that must be present for a ‘friendship’ to cross over the line to EA.

#1) there is a conversation that would not be happening if you were present . There are some conversations that would fall into this category (venting to a parent about your spouse; discussions with an IC etc.) that would not qualify for an EA, so the second component is necessary as well
#2) there is sexual tension between them

I have used these two tests on multiple occasions, and I don’t think it has failed me yet. Using them in your situation, I get a resounding yes.

Hope this helps.


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 336 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
jsngold
Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 2:56 AM, March 5th (Friday)

So it WAS an EA. It wasn't just some "crush" as she likes to call it.

Now the next question:

Do I have to treat it like a full blown affair?

In other words, do I insist on a strict NC? She says that they "broke up", but they still talk every now due to business (he is the contractor who is renovating our new house).

Do I insist on full transparency (passwords, phone records, etc.)? I know that she won't accept this.

Do I tell the OM's BW? If so, what do I say? My wife wrote about your husband in her diary, and they had a conversation where they agreed not to pursue their relationship?

This wasn't a "real" affair, but I am emotionally reacting like it was.

Am I overreacting?


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
circlingthedrain
Member
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, March 5th (Friday)

It doesn’t really matter what the label is, it was a BETRAYAL.
You don’t ‘have’ to do anything. You need to figure out what it is that you will need to feel safe in your marriage and define those boundaries. If it was me, I would be insisting on complete NC (including an NC letter), I would be handling all future communications with the contractor and I would be requesting that he designate someone in his organization to do the same.
I would also be insisting on complete transparency. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
If you want to go this route, please figure out what the consequences are for her noncompliance before making your requests/demands. Do not threaten actions that you are not willing to implement, as you will lose all credibility.


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 336 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
HockeyNut
Member
Member # 25915
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, March 5th (Friday)

I don't think you are over-reacting - you need to treat it the way you see it or how it makes you feel.
I believe NC is a must also - I'm assuming she kept her conversations with him secret from you - which equals betrayal and lies by omission.
You need to heal and feel secure with her - I think circlingthedrain - gave some great advice.
Sorry you are here - but, you will find great people with great advice.

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2009
gerrygirl
Member
Member # 26294
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, March 5th (Friday)

jsngold,

So it WAS an EA. It wasn't just some "crush" as she likes to call it.
Now the next question:

Do I have to treat it like a full blown affair?

It WAS a full blown affair. I haven't read many of your posts but one you said they discussed the OM leaving his BS to be with your WW. That is an affair.

Do I insist on full transparency (passwords, phone records, etc.)? I know that she won't accept this.

Too bad. She has demonstrated that she lacks appropriate boundaries. I would also ask to see her journal. My husband had an EA. The contact part as intense for only a few months before she went NC with him, but he kept the A alive on his end with the writings in his journal. I do beleive that everyone is entitled to a degree of privacy in their lives but in this instance he used his journal in an unhealthy way. We both keep journals now but he has changed how he uses his. He has also agreed that any time I want to read his journal I just have to ask.

This wasn't a "real" affair, but I am emotionally reacting like it was.

Again, it WAS a real affair. And you know this in part by the way you are reacting to finding out about it. Your WS betrayed your marriage by forming an attachment to another man. This causes pain and turmoil just as a PA does. There is always debate about which is more damaging, EA or PA. I just think it depends on which situation you are in.

My WHs EA shook me to my core. When I think about him saying "I love you" to her, knowing he pushed me aside and put her into his heart in the place that belonged to me the fact that they didn't have sex doesn't matter.

Your pain is real.


Me(BS)-45; Him (FWH)-43 (baxtersbff)
M - 20 years
DD - 16; DS -12
D-day #1: 8/12/07; D-day #2: 11/18/07; D-day #3 5/26/2010
Real R Begins - 5/27/2010

Posts: 962 | Registered: Nov 2009
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, March 7th (Sunday)

As my MC says; physical or emotional, doesn't matter-the fallout is the same


remarried 11-15-15

Posts: 1770 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
jsngold
Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, March 8th (Monday)

Thanks, everyone, for all of your support.

This sucks, but it is nice to not be alone.


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, March 8th (Monday)

I'm having issue here with him believing (and his friends telling him) that because it was only online and there was no PA, no plans to meet, that it was "not that bad"... that I "should be over it by now."

He didn't tell her he still loved her. (She's his XWW. He has no children with her). But he secretly emailed her daily for about 3 weeks until I found out. He didn't tell her he was in a committed relationship. Just absently mindedly forgot one very important detail to tell her about.. ME!

He told her, "I think you are pretty... but I'm biased."

I am having a hard time moving on from those words. He still says he meant nothing at all. And that he didn't even think.. just answering her emails, is all, and trying to be polite.

Perhaps I could move on if he would stop being defensive and stop minimizing this whole thing.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
always-hope
Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, March 9th (Tuesday)

Hi. I am new to this site. My WH does not believe in EA. He started emailing the OW he had known as a teen in 2001. He was friends with her when his parents were divorcing(1978).(His Mom gave him her email address) It started out as 'hi what have you been up to...' BUT I had no knowledge back then. In 2005 my WH was removed from our house for Domestic Violence. During the 6 month separation he took our 3 boys for a week and flew out of state for a vacation, the OW lived there. When we reconciled in 2005 he told me about the OW, how she helped him through the separation and understood what he was going through (?!) (I was faithful in every way). (Her WH had a baby with another woman and she was divorced) Immediately a red flag went up and I asked my WH to stop talking to her because they were too close. He said they were just friends and refused. She told him that the relationship that he & she had might be detrimental to our marriage. He still kept in contact. I found a dirty joke he sent her in email and an email he sent saying 'looking good'. When I questioned these he said she has the same sense of humor as him that I don't. He also told me that she had gastric bypass surgery & sent him pics of her that show the weight loss. I asked to see them, he got agitated & said he deleted them. When she moved to another state she sent her address to him. 2009: he stopped sleeping in our bed, we stopped having sex, he would shut himself in a room & talk on his cell, especially after our arguements. I heard one call: he said 'talk me down i'm so angry, talk me down.' then: 'i can't do that, i will have to pay child support & alimony.' I was not allowed to see phone records or financial records. Dec 2009 he went out of town for a weekend (not to OW as far as I know). My sister told me he had a facebbook page. I only found it when I typed in the OW's name & he was a friend. His profile pic was him with a woman on his lap (not the OW), though you could only see part of her my sister knew it wasn't me. There was no mention of him being married, my name & pics were not on the page. I was terrified of losing my husband. I got a job the following Monday & called for counselling. (Two things that were his big issues with me) Five days later, right before Christmas he moved out while I was at work & the kids were away. He called the kids home & told them not to call me at work, I would figure it out when I got home. Our two older kids told me when they picked me up (I have no car). (The camper & truck missing from the driveway were a sign that something was very wrong but hearing the words from my son devastated me. I called him & begged him to come home. He signed a 1 yr lease on an apartment. I have gone to counselling, we have gone together. The consellor told him that stopping contact with her is the best thing. My WH says he will keep it 'how are things going? how are the kids?' etc. but that was how it started last time. We get along great as long as I ignore the issues. He thinks telling the OW that he will not contact her is vengence for me and 'rubbing her nose in it'. I've tried just ignoring it but it eats at me that he still has her phone #'s in his cell, still has her email in his address book. He disabled his facebook, but i think he should have unfriended her and added me to his page (my name & pics of us) to show his commitment to the marriage. He still says he wants to be married to me & he loves me, but he doesn't think he has done anything 'that bad' and he thinks the OW holds no fault in this at all. I know this is long and there is still so much more to this than I wrote here. I love him & have for 23 years. I feel that if I just ignore my feelings about him living separately and refusing to stop contact with her I am being a fool. Then he tells me he talks to all him 'woman friends' the way he talked to the OW. And this does not even begin to expain the fallout I have to deal with every day with the kids. If I file for child & spousal support I know he will be angry. (He has anger issues which is a whole other story) I am in limbo and don't know what to do.


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
takinit
Member
Member # 27150
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, March 13th (Saturday)

I have this intense hate for the OW. I don't even know her but I know enough about her and my XH. It has only been 2 1/2 months since I divorced him. I want to get her fired from her job, I want to physically destroy her face, I have already let the business public know what she did to my marriage and what he did to my marriage. I am just so angry. Sometimes I think that they deserve each other and I am apathetic. There are other times when I can't wait to run into her sometime and kick her face into the asphalt. I know I can never get myself into trouble with the law but I just fantasize about kicking her ass. I'm not even a fighter it just makes me sick to think that they both thought it was okay. wow. It still hurts. Why? I've divorced him. Why does it still kill me inside?


That was the past, this is Act II.

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: ND
ohyuck
New Member
Member # 27929
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, March 15th (Monday)

Lucky me, I'm part of this club as well

WH has been having an EA with a married friend of ours for almost a year now. Up until last week, they had always claimed he just "had a crush on her." Now I know they both had these feelings and SHE didn't go further because they were both married and didn't want to hurt anyone. He would have done so if permitted. Real gems, eh?

[This message edited by ohyuck at 11:59 AM, March 15th (Monday)]


"Frodo:...I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2010
Bussy Boo
New Member
Member # 25791
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, March 18th (Thursday)

I discovered my husband had an EA almost a year ago, I first discovered the existance of this woman two years prior to this but he said she was just a friend, some friend, when i found their secret email and broke into it there were loads of love letters, he has never written me any so this was very upsetting, he was my first love and we got married really young so there had never been anyone else for either of us or so i thought but she turned out to be his first girlfriend, that makes her his first love in my mind now, it has changed everything i beleived, he lied to me straight to my face and on his fathers life nothing seemed to matter but her, when i found out he seemed to come out of the fog but it had taken two years and several d days to make this happen, he is so sorry now and cant do enough for me, but he will not discuss what happened and why and i need that i need the truth and he says i deserve it but he wont sit and tell me, i bring it up he goes out of the room on an excuse,anything will do as long as he doesnt have to talk about it, he really doesnt get it that i need to know to go forward. every day i suffer i have those love letters engrained on my brain and they come to haunt me i wake up thinking of her i go to sleep thinking of her and what they did to me, i had a mental breakdown but it didnt stop him, she was the most important thing in his life for two years and i am just supposed to forget it and forgive him, he says he doesnt expect me to but i know he does when does this torture stop????

Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: west sussex
threepunkins
New Member
Member # 27990
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, March 24th (Wednesday)

another one joining this "club".

I posted in "just found out" a week ago but a brief run down is that i am convinced my husband has been having an EA with a "good friend" from his work for at least the last 12 months if not more. He denies everything however i have several months phone records which shows him text messaging her sometimes up to 30-40 times a day.

Several times at inappropriate times like 1 and 2 in the morning. He has admitted that he has been confiding in her for months about how apparently miserable he has been in our marriage, and that he trusts her completly and she is the only good friend he has to turn to and talk to about his problems. He says that they get along incredibly well and that she totally gets him in every way. But insists that it is nothing romantic and that she has nothing to do with the fact he says he doesn't love me anymore.

He says he feels like we have grown apart and no longer have anything in common except our children. but says that she and him have heaps in common. BUT she is not the reason for this.

I have had my suspicions about them for months and have confronted him several times, saying how inappropriate i found it (talking to each other on face book, sending emails to her, texting her and going out socially with her and "other work friends" all the time without me) but he kept on telling me i was over reacting and that he had a right to go out ad have fun on his own.

When i looked into the details of his phone record and discovered the extent to which he was smsing her i confronted him over the phone, he came home packed his bags and left that night.

He has been gone over a month. Left me and the kids completly. I got the most recent phone record yesterday and have discovered that he is still in constant daily contact with her. their "text" conversations sometimes go on for hours and involve 50-60 messages at a time.

But he still completly denies that she has ANYTHING to do with him leaving me. That it was all me shutting him out and i was the one who didn't want him.

So may of these stories are familiar. It's just heartbreaking.

I agree with others who have said that if he had just come outright when i first confronted him and admitted that it was something more than it would have been easier to deal with...all this denial and the not really knowing what is going on is painful. Is is "just friends"? is it a PA? does he love her? I don't know an absolute yes or no answer to ANY of those questions, just a phone record my suspicion and his denial.
In a way it would be easier to cope with if they did admit to a PA...at least I'd have SOMETHING to be pissed off about. Not a whole heap of circumstantial nothing.

The pain and realization that he has been investing SO MUCH TIME and effort into another woman, another relationship is so incredibly painful. And the fact that HE has all but given up on us, and refuses to see a counselor or go to MC makes it so much worse.

I feel like he thinks I'm not even worth making the effort for. That out 11 year relationship (7 year marriage) is not worth fighting for or fixing.

[This message edited by threepunkins at 12:22 AM, March 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: 28
WH: 28
M 8years, 2kids + baby due in may
(He walked out on 16-feb-10 after i confronted him over an EA he was having with a "good friend" from work. He is in denial, says he doesn't love me anymore. Refuses IC, MC or R)

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Australia
Bussy Boo
New Member
Member # 25791
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, March 26th (Friday)

wew tried a therapist and she seemed to be on his side and more or less asked what i was complaining about as he hadnt had a PA i felt and i know he did that she gave him permission to carry on with his 'friend' and he did for the following two years. he would promise not to contact her and then i would find out she was still in our lives and he would promise again and round and round it went i had a mental breakdown and threw him out but he didnt stop the contact he just ignored what it was doing to me and carried on sending her love letters and flowers and gifts and looking after her while ignoring me and my needs,we got back together he promised she was gone but she wasnt she just came back with him and the merry go round started again, i got myself a therapist and she made me strong enough to deal with it and when i found their dispicable secret email and all the love letters and the ugly truth i was able to deal with it calmly and look after myself, i showed him how she was conning him and he stopped contact and i do beleive she is gone, its now a year next month since the final d day there were several, but i really am struggling with it still, how could he treat me like that how could he fall out of love with me after 38years and fall in love with her, is he with me because she doesnt want him, would he be if she did want him, it all haunts me, he still wont talk to me about it and doesnt admit he was in love with her and says he didnt have an affair, same old thing no sex no affair!! what about the love letters he says he didnt mean them but all the evidence says he did, he says he didnt love her but he acted as though he did and he told her he did, when does it stop, sometimes i ask myself why i am here with him, i have put up a barrier between us to protect myself cos i dont know if it will happen again, i cant trust my instincts cos i didnt see it coming, its such a horrible feeling, i still dont know what happened my life was jogging along and then it was gone, will it happen again? i cant answer that and so i feel unsafe, he says it will never happen again but how does he know that he cant he didnt think it would happen before. where do i go from here i feel so insecure and unhappy.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: west sussex
Bussy Boo
New Member
Member # 25791
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, March 26th (Friday)

dear takinet, i know what you mean about the OW i know we should blame our WS but i felt such hatred for the OW she conned my WS out of lots of cash and used us both so i really hated her, when i found out the truth about their EA i gave myself a year to see if i really needed to get my revenge on her i thought it would subside in a year but it didnt so i took my revenge, the silly cow left her facebook page unprotected, she partly privatised it but left access to all her friends and her church, some christian, so i sent a message to all her friends telling them how she had used us both when we were suffering from the death of our son by suicide and how she had conned my WS out of all that money and asked her church how she could call herself a christian, i bet she didnt expect that after a year, i should have felt ashamed of myself but i dont i have reclaimed my self respect from her and i feel good about it. but dont act upon your feelings now or you will do somthing you regret, it has to be legal and honest and you have to have no regrets if you do something. good luck and dont forget we are all here for you.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: west sussex
Hurtwife/mom
Member
Member # 28123
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, April 6th (Tuesday)

My husband has had EA also. I finally found out after 11 years of marriage there was more than one. I am so confused I just don't know what to do. seeing people on here trying to work things out and see some of my biggest fear of it actually being a PA. Im so confused as what to do. Are EA's supposed to be as detrimental as PA's? Am I over reacting? Why does it have to be so hard? Why do I let him do this for 11 years and want to hurt him but know if I did it he would never forgive me. So lost.


Married- 12 yrs
Together- 13 yrs
D-Day's- multiple over 11yrs
Son- 11yr
Son- 8yr
Daughter- 7yr
Daughter- 4yr
Me- 34yr
He- 35yr
Why did this Happen?

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: not my home anymore
marie49
New Member
Member # 25243
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, April 8th (Thursday)

I've been searching SI all night to see what I would respond to I am so sad I found out about the EA and eventual PA through cell phone records. I was always the trusting wife never questioned anything he said so I never felt a need to go through his phone records until his behavior goi so crazy I knew something was up! OMG they talked everyday all day!!! he would repeately call like 7 times in a row, they talked first thing in the morning (were Co-Workers) on his way to work then during the afternoon where they would arrange their sexual trysts, then on way home from work and then after I went to bed until early morning WTF.Said "she paid attention to him" I guess me taking care of the house, kids, helping him with his business ect. but then being tired for sex everyday (which was one of his reasons)wasn't "paying attention to him" I feel like giving up. 30 years we are together and he blew it on a whore. alot of times there were literally minutes between when I would call him and he would call her. all that time and energy into her, while I thought we had something special. I recocognize now I made it easy for him to take me for granted, I never required anything from him and just loved him unconditionally Is it too late after 30 years to change. To speak up for myself without putting him first? I don't want to be the "good wife" anymore. For example, He sometimes has to do some work where the OW is and this triggers me I explained this to him several times I called up there today while he was there and he asked if he could "call me back" he was meeting with someone. i said ok and texted him "you just don't fucking "get it" I'm aready stressed by you being there, you never had time for my phones calls when you used to work there cause you were to busy chasing her. The response is always you should have told me you needed to speak with me right then , no in this situation you shoud fucking KNOW!!! U excuse your self and talk to me right then and there. He's working hard on R and is remorseful and regretful . Is it me?? Then I feel bad for voicing my anger because he looks so pitiful Part of R is changing some old habits but I guess cause were out 8 months from DD he's feeling comfortable again I"m sorry I'm rambling but I don't know how to get through this He brought this on himself and I feel bad for not trusting him? how messed up is that??I pray every night and day for GOD to help heal our marriage.To bring me to a point where I do'nt think about the intimacy and sex they shared or how he sleep next to me at night waiting for me to go to sleep so he could call her. Every Holiday ruined and for all my suffering all I get is "I never meant to hurt you"


keepin the faith

Posts: 23 | Registered: Aug 2009
Bussy Boo
New Member
Member # 25791
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, April 10th (Saturday)

yes EA are just as hurtful he has taken from your marriage and given to a third person, you didnt ask for it and you are not over reacting dont be so hard on yourself, you are hurting and you need to look after you, you are the most important person here, give yourself time and spoil yourself, you did not deserve it and you want to lash out, the anger is hard i am so angry at me for letting him do this to me, dont do anything before thinking it through but dont let him convince you cos its emotional it doesnt count, my H doesnt get it and D day was over a year ago, so it takes time and energy and i am running out, i am so tired, just keep going from day to day and you will make it somehow we all do (((hugs))) keep posting it really helps

Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: west sussex
sadie418
New Member
Member # 2085
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, April 12th (Monday)

Hi, sort of new to this forum as I haven't been here in over 7 yrs so sorry if I'm asking something already discussed...

My husband and I recently separated after I finally told him "Me or her" about an EA that has gone on for almost 12 years (started after two PA's). He said she was a friend and I was unreasonable so I filed for D (after 12 yrs of fighting it and seeing the emails and trying to deny it, I was done living with it). Days later he slept with her. Then came home begging to come back saying he didn't want her and he now understood what he'd done and that he never would've slept with her if I hadn't filed for D. I said no so he went back to seeing her. Finally, we decided to go to MC because I still love him and he says he still loves me and wants me not her. So he cut off contact (I think). Now he tells me that he can't be alone and that if we weren't in MC he'd be with her and that he'll probably go back to her if we don't make it work. Also important is that she works in his field and is friends with all of his friends so she'll always be in our lives in some way probably....

Has anyone dealt with this before? I don't know if I can trust him so I don't know if MC will work and I don't want to take away his cahnce of happiness if that's what she is. At the same time, I don't feel like he's really trying if he's still thinking like that. He says that he wouldn't be in MC if he really wanted her. Anyone ever been through this type of thing? I don't know how to understand or deal with the "I want you but I'll take her if I can't have you" reasoning. Help!!!!


Posts: 17 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: PA
phatchance12
Member
Member # 28280
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 24th (Saturday)

*HUGS* Sadie. I can't offer advice as I'm too new, but from what I read already on this site, others will come along and give you really great advice.


Me: Faithful Wife.
Him: Who gives a shit, really.
Caught him on Feb 22nd, 2010.
Who the fuck does he think he is changing my life forever without asking me?


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Hell
gerrygirl
Member
Member # 26294
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, April 24th (Saturday)

sadie418,

I don't have a similar situation so these are just my thoughts about yours.

Don't worry about your WH's happiness. He is a big boy and can take care of that himself. You need to focus on what makes you happy and what is best for you. Your WH sounds like he is still in the fog, wanting to have his cake and eat it too.

What I hear your WH telling you is if things don't work out with you, he already has a back up plan. Sorry, but if I were you this wouldn't work for me. He is keeping one foot out the door. I agree with you that this attitude means he isn't really trying. He is only going through the motions without any real sincerity or honesty. IMO, if you need to have a backup of AP waiting in the wings, you really aren't in R.

Committing to R is to work without a saftey net. A WS and a BS have to really put themselves out there, take a risk and put everything on the line to save their M. I know that I could not be honest with my WH if I was worried that he might go back to the OW.

If I were you, I would tell my WH that if he wants to go to MC then he has to give up his OW. Entirely. That is the only way he could show that he is serious about working things out. Anything less is just a waste of time.


Me(BS)-45; Him (FWH)-43 (baxtersbff)
M - 20 years
DD - 16; DS -12
D-day #1: 8/12/07; D-day #2: 11/18/07; D-day #3 5/26/2010
Real R Begins - 5/27/2010

Posts: 962 | Registered: Nov 2009
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 3:13 AM, April 25th (Sunday)

just a quick update ...

well I watched the show with stbx in it ... and it was good ... natgeo did a great job on the show ... even tho they kinda just showed one side of the prison system perspective ...
and stbx was all over the show ... however only 1-2 scenes were with his face ... the rest were him dressed out in riot gear going in to get an unruly inmate ...

doesn't matter I knew who he was ...

and I did not trigger like I thought I would ... and I have it saved on my DVR ... and have only watched it once ... the night it aired ... thought I would be watching it everyday ... but I don't ...

so that is it ... things are still moving along ... the meadiation is set for May 13th ... I will appear by phone/fax ... last time I talked to stbx he asked if I would be coming to CO for the meadiation ??? and where I would be staying if I was ???

WTF ??? no I told him I will be by phone ...

no other news school is good and I am almost done with the first trimester ... 2nd one starts May 3rd ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
MoreBluetiful
New Member
Member # 28714
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, June 4th (Friday)

My STBXH and I got married on June 13, 2009, and by August I started finding texts between him and an ex-coworker that made me uncomfortable. We talked about it and he said he hadn't meant them that way, and he seemed to stop talking to her so much. By December they had started talking more than I was comfortable with again, via text messages. I finally sucked it up (since he kept telling me I would be crazy and controlling to tell him he can't talk to this girl) and told him I just can't deal with him having contact with her. He was very angry with me and put up a huge fight, but finally agreed. And I thought he had stopped. Until I caught him texting her and ended up checking the phone bill at the end of January. Over 2000 texts in that 4-5 week period. He had just been deleting them from his phone so I wouldn't see them. I was devastated, and he, of course, didn't apologize without making me feel horrible and controlling about telling him who he can and can't be friends with. He finally apologized in the middle of Feb and I really thought he meant it.

Our first year of marriage was hard, he was working part time and going to grad school full time, and I am a nurse and work night shift. Between his job, school, studying and my job, we rarely had time together. And he just seemed distant. If I asked about it I was "complaining" and he always said he was just stressed out.

On May 12 we got into an argument and he busted out with how he doesn't love me, doesn't want to go to counseling and wants a divorce. I was devastated because although we had a tough year, we had been planning on starting counseling as soon as he graduated. I had never heard him say anything like this before.

Two days later I found his new e-mail address and all of the conversations between him and this same girl. It started to make more sense, but I am devastated. I asked him if he wanted to work it out, and he said no because he doesn't love me and never has. We have been together 6 years, married for 11 months. He told me that when he married me he was settling, but now he knows he can do better. He has shown no remorse, blames me for EVERYTHING (even says I made him marry me), and has no interest in R. Our anniversary would be next weekend. We had a trip planned, and the top layer of our wedding cake is still in my freezer. I feel like I am the only one whose H left her for the OW in an EA.

People keep telling me I'm lucky that I found out so early, but I just don't see it that way. I feel embarrassed that my marriage failed so soon (I mean, this A started at most 2 months into the marriage).

ps: because people have been bringing it up, this EA did turn P, I know they have made out at LEAST one time, and I'm sure they've done more.


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Indianapolis, IN
Star727
Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, June 7th (Monday)

More, you'll probably hear this again and again - be grateful that this came out so early in your marriage and now you can let it go and forget about it.

A man telling his wife he is "settling" - oh!!!! that just pisses me off. Do yourself a favor and get that annulled as soon as you can. Get rid of him and don't waste any more of your good years fooling with "nothing".

I wished my D-Day had happened soon after he my WH started his EA with a coworker. They were involved for 10 years before I found out. During that time, we had two kids, bought a house and incurred tremendous debt (most of it - HIS!!!). If this had come to light shortly after it started, I could have been alot better financially. And my emotions would not have been so embedded into this marriage.

When we finally had our first D-Day - the knowledge of what they were doing completely broke my heart and destroyed my Joy and that hasnt come back yet.

In the last 2 years, we have had 4 D-Days and I've found 3 secret prepaid cell phones. You dont want to deal with all that. Get out early while you can!!!!!


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
Blindsided37
Member
Member # 25963
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 7th (Monday)

I feel embarrassed that my marriage failed so soon...

MoreB, you have nothing to be embarrassed about - It's all on him! As hard as it is to hear, you are lucky you aren't more emotionally/financially involved and can cut loose now and find that person who loves you.

You don't need to be with a husband who has no remorse and says he settled and could do better! What?! If he can do better so can you!

(((Hugs)))


WS: Him (62)BS: Me (59)
Married 36 yrs - 2 Grown children
DDay: May 23,09 DDay #2: 9/09
R: Slowly...


Posts: 557 | Registered: Oct 2009
lmartinez1960
New Member
Member # 28732
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 7th (Monday)

I knew something was weird several months ago. Even my son noticed it, I thought it was because he was taken over the bills & gotten a new job making a lot less money & was just under 2 much stress. I don't know why or what brang to the conclusion that I felt he and the woman he worked with were up to something. I began investigating & found phone records of texting all hours of the night, while I was sleeping or when I was busting my butt at my second job. I conforted him and he acted completely innocent that I was never home (I was making extra money for us to survive) and they were just talking about quitting this job and moving on to another he was offered and told me he was bringing her with him. I was like FOR WHAT b-4 he said she was lazy, good for nothing, ugly, on and on. Well I asked him to stop and it didn't so at first she called me and I did not take her call but after a week I decided to call her and same ole lies. I continue and find an email he sent once he left that job (she stayed at the old job) saying how much he missed her touch and how he was had deep feelings for her and he did not want to be the cause for her divorce and I said that's it I am calling her husband of 24 yrs and he stopped me and said she did not feel the same and had no intention of leaving her husband for anyone and he mistook her shoulder rubs (car mechanics) for come on's! I said what a fool you are. Never apologized to me, will not go to therapy, I called him an emotional cheater in which he said no such thing until I found an article on MSN on it and sent it to him. He claimed he deleted it. Well it has been about 5 weeks now and he acts talks like we are going to work on us. (I was willing) He blames me for having no affection for him. I admit I have not been affectionate enough (pre-menopausal and on anti depressents which make my desires drop even more) but he said we will take it day by day and if nothing changes in 3 months he is moving out. Okay I sometime am fine with that sometimes not. He changed all his passwords but I can see he text messing is coming to his cell phone from an email address but that only shows up as 0000024256 or something like that. Cell company can not tell me where thet are orginating from. Two days ago for the second time I tried to be affectionae with and he gets up and goes to the bathroom and then stays up when I brought it up to him last night he does not remember then I said I feel like your not attracted to me anymore he responded sometimes he is not. When I act like an a** and then pretended to fall asleep. Then he will talk about a year from now we will build a deck. He has no clue what he wants and I cannot handle this much longer. He says I want him to make a decision now and he can not do that. Confused.....I don't know what to do anymore and my firends have never been in this situation and I am just looking for someone who can relate to me. Sorry for the length.

[This message edited by lmartinez1960 at 3:49 PM, June 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 1 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: plainfield, il
Just Crushed
Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, June 7th (Monday)

lmartinez1960,

I'm so sorry you have a need for this site...but, glad you found us. Welcome!

I would start reading in the Healing Library in the top left corner.

I would post your story in the Just Found Out forum. It gets a lot more attention. This forum is great too...just more focused on the unique qualities of an EA.

An emotional affair (EA) is just as devistating as a physical affair (PA). Do not let him discount the betrayal that has happened. Also, be prepared...it is often the case that a PA has also happened. 99.9% of wayward spouses (WS) will only cop to what they have been caught doing. You may need to do some digging to get to the truth.

A pre-requisite for reconciliation (R) is no contact (NC) with the affair person (AP).

see: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_ws.asp#FAQ9

hang in there,
jc

[This message edited by Just Crushed at 4:15 PM, June 7th (Monday)]


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2009
Emmy09
New Member
Member # 28532
DOH!  Posted: 9:43 PM, June 13th (Sunday)

I too have had to deal with EA and I will tellyou that they mostly are not just EA. When I found out my BF was talking to another woman and talking about me I went kind of crazy on him. I just felt like he had betrayed everything in our relationship. I felt that there was nothing special for the two of us. I felt violated and cheated. I look at him now and wonder why he has to be that way???


Emmy K

Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2010
iamsurviving
Member
Member # 23478
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 17th (Thursday)

I'm a member of this group too - hate to be here but working on R. Lots of years invested in M - H wants to stay together and does everything but breathe for me. EA devastated me - at my age or any age it is more than difficult. Some days can't breathe because of the damage that was done. Hard to believe H had 2 lives and I never knew it - I suspected something but when I questioned him - he made excuses. Lots of hurt, anger, crying, swallowing problems, breathing problems, nightmares - just a really bad roller coaster ride. Over 24 months out but still hurting and still trying to heal. God bless all who are here. I guess the only thing I can say is if you both want to stay in the marriage and you both fight for it - I believe it can happen - bad days will happen for sure and decisions are hard to make at times - sometimes I'm not sure if I made the right decision - but a friend of mine who recently divorced sent me this email - "when we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot." Sometimes I'm in a knot - so bad I can't see straight - so many mornings when I got for a swim - I just cry and cry - I don't know where the tears come from. I was never a crier, always a strong person and I was always dependent on H and independent from H, now I'm a crier and a needy person, someone I do not like but I guess I have to be this persn for a while as we work through this R. I have read a lot of the books in the Healing Libray and so has H. They help a lot - I just finished Five Love Languages - difficult to get through - read it with an open mind - my mind was closed but I finally got through it. Hope everyone here has a good day - and know that when you have a bad day - it's OK. You're all in my prayers.


Me: BS (68)
Him: WH (72)
Married: 48 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

Posts: 304 | Registered: Apr 2009
Jeanne
Member
Member # 28741
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, June 19th (Saturday)

Iamsurviving I am so sorry for your pain. I truly hope that your R will work for you.

For me, I'm still embroiled in this freaking neverending nightmare. My H is refusing to give up his "friend" even though he knows that it is wrong and hurting me. It has been going on now for 3 years. I am done now, had absolutely enough and either he really truly ends it this time with her or we are most certainly going to end. Somehow he has it in his head that I simply will not leave because I cannot survive on my own without him. He is dead wrong and will come to find out how wrong pretty quickly here if it doesn't end now!

She is an old friend of mine so I have been double-betrayed and I too like you am physically ill over this whole experience! Hang in there and good luck!

I am just getting ready to find out which way we are headed after 28 years of marraige and raising three beautiful children together.

Jeanne


BW:46
WH: 49
Married 28 years
3 Wonderful Boys 21, 25 & 26
LT EA OW #1 was a former BFF
10/24/2010 WS got on Facebook and found former best friend from 30+ years ago & now in an EA.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Wisconsin
Star727
Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 21st (Monday)

Unfortunately, I'm part of this group too. WH had a 10 year EA with a fellow coworker who was also a friend of mine.

It is suppose to over with but I'm not assuming that to be 100% the truth.

Because of his EA, I found myself again. I've spent 23 years being Mrs So and So, I lost my individuality.

I also lost my JOY. Joy of life, joy of job, joy of afterwork activities, joy of extended family, joy of my kids.

I pray that I get my JOY back. WH is working hard to show me that he's back on track but of course, I dont trust him anymore so its hard to believe him. He just has to show me by living right. It will show.


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
Nots2pid
New Member
Member # 28853
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday)

My H has been talking to every woman on the planet it seems except me! I feel like the secretary at work knows more about him than I do at this point. He started talking to an ex hook up (can't even really call her a gf) about a year ago. Her H is deployed by told her he was unhappy before he left. Guess that is when she reached out to my H online. I have recently found a text from her- it was pretty innocent- but he deletes his history so I'm "lucky" I even found that one. He has a prepaid phone so there is no paper trail. When I confronted him about her and the phone calls in March he went NUTS! He stormed out of our house and was gone for over 6 hours and then NOTHING was said about it again. She is moving back to town and I am terrified that PA will start.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jun 2010
Jeanne
Member
Member # 28741
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, June 22nd (Tuesday)

Hi Star and Nuts!

Welcome to this very unfortunate group. But at least we all have each other to lean on for support, advice and all. I do know how you're feeling my DH now WS has been in an EA with my once upon a time very good friend and neighbor who lives just down the road a few blocks.

I am so heartsick, feeling like I have just been hit by a MACK truck and then again as it took another turn backwards...........

But I am also angry the emotions are raw and like nothing I've ever felt before!


BW:46
WH: 49
Married 28 years
3 Wonderful Boys 21, 25 & 26
LT EA OW #1 was a former BFF
10/24/2010 WS got on Facebook and found former best friend from 30+ years ago & now in an EA.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Wisconsin
stillinshockx2
Member
Member # 28638
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 24th (Thursday)

My WH has had two EA's that I know of. He doesn't like the term "affair" because he said he did not care about either one of them, but was just looking for attention. Right.

My question for you SI folks - Are there really affairs that are only emotional, or do they most or all become physical? I am not sure if a PA would hurt me more, but knowing that he lied about them NOT being PAs would hurt.

Any thoughts?


Me: BS, 48; Him: WS, 52
DDay 1 - EA (denies PA) 6-13-05
DDay 2 - EA (denies PA) 3-30-10
DDay 3 - 8-04-10 WH living w/30 yo OW2; still denies PA despite PI proof and won't admit he lives with OW2
2 children (D20, S18)
M 25 years; together 8

Posts: 321 | Registered: May 2010
stillinshockx2
Member
Member # 28638
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 27th (Sunday)

Bumping to see if anyone has any thoughts to my latest post on this thread. Basic question - are there ever affairs that are EAs, or do they all really become PAs that maybe never get revealed?


Me: BS, 48; Him: WS, 52
DDay 1 - EA (denies PA) 6-13-05
DDay 2 - EA (denies PA) 3-30-10
DDay 3 - 8-04-10 WH living w/30 yo OW2; still denies PA despite PI proof and won't admit he lives with OW2
2 children (D20, S18)
M 25 years; together 8

Posts: 321 | Registered: May 2010
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 29th (Tuesday)

It's a minority but it can be EA-if there's physical distance between them and/or the BS gets involved early. No guarantee even with above.

I read a book about diff affairs and there was one (which fits my H) that sex would actually end the illusion so it's not consummated.


remarried 11-15-15

Posts: 1770 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
circlingthedrain
Member
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, July 1st (Thursday)

Everything that I have seen suggests that EAs either go physical or die. Long term EAs are few and far between. Usually an ongoing EA is a PA that has not been consumated yet due to logistics.


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 336 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
Star727
Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, July 1st (Thursday)

I believe in the early years of his affair with OW, it was PA. But 5 years ago he had prostate cancer surgery so that just about took care of the PA.

What really upset me - once D-Day #1 happened, he was determined to keep contact with her and it didnt matter how upset he was I was about it.

That is something that I dont think I will ever get over. We have had 3 D-Days over this one woman.

If she is so great and he is so willing to keep sneaking around with her and obviously she is that important to him, why didnt he just leave after D-Day? I gave him an out. I told him if he really would rather be with her, I would bow out of this 3 way because I don't share men and since his mind is on her, I'd rather be with a man whose mind is on me. But he wouldnt leave. For 3 D-Days, I've invited him to go to her if that is what makes him happy.

On the last D-Day, I told him if he doesnt leave and stays because he wants to stay married to me and I find out he's still in contact with her - he's going to need a police escort or ambulance out of our house. And I mean it. I'm not playing around anymore with this crazy shit.

He's acting better than he has in years except for the continued lack of affection from him. I just told him last weekend that I've had it with that. I told him either he has a problem within himself that he needs to address with a counselor, or he's still seeing OW. He didnt answer, but he started giving me more affection than normal.

I dont want to MAKE HIM show affection or love me. He doesnt have to if he really isnt feeling me. And, if thats the case, I really need him to just leave. I'll be fine. The kids will be fine without him with us.

Now back when D-Day #1 happened (2 years ago), he excused his behavior as it being an "ego thing" and he knew his boundaries and would never have sex with her. I asked him had he discussed our marriage with her and gave a resounding NO! Well, I'm having such a problem believing anything he says because what else could they talk about 5-7 times a day, 7 days a week???

He says they discussed what was going on at work. Well they are in different departments, their jobs have nothing to do with each other. They talked about politics, news current events. He claimed she never discussed her personal life with him. So if he didnt talk about his personal life and she didnt talk about her personal life, what the hell were they talking about so much, so many times.

He's just lying his ass off to me over and over again.

I have enjoyed being married to him. He's an extremely nice looking man, built really nice and the ladies think he's absolutely gorgeous and he knows this and he knows what the women think and say about him and he's eating it up.

But if I find another secret prepaid cell phone - all hell is gonna break out. I've given his 3 times to walk away from this marriage because of it - 3 times!!!! Finding another phone means he paid no attention and didnt take anything I said seriously and he will pay dearly for that.

He will find out how vindictive, destructive, evil, and dangerous an angry mad Black woman can be.


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
Blindsided37
Member
Member # 25963
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 11th (Sunday)

Well my WH told me that if I hadn't confronted him when I did the EA would have probably gone PA, because the OW was pushing for it. That little tidbit of info actually contradicted everything he had told me up to that point. He had always said it was strictly business, or he was just a shoulder to cry on or that he just enjoyed their conversations.


WS: Him (62)BS: Me (59)
Married 36 yrs - 2 Grown children
DDay: May 23,09 DDay #2: 9/09
R: Slowly...


Posts: 557 | Registered: Oct 2009
Jeanne
Member
Member # 28741
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, July 14th (Wednesday)

stillinshockx2

I can tell you with absolute and 100% certainty that my WS has been embroiled in a long-term EA and it has never gone to a PA. I know this because I proceeded to investigate my ass off when I initially became suspicious something was up. I immediatley researched and purchased a top notch VAR and also got my hands on all of both his and her text messages. Nothing there but some ego stroking and blatant flirting, as well as conversations that were way off limits because it invaded our marital boundaries. None the less this EA is just as painful as any other affair. So, truly for me he may has well have gone ahead and banged her. In my mind what was violated was the most intimate part of us and sometimes I do wonder will we ever be able to get there again and have that back?!

Hope this answers your questions,

Jeanne


BW:46
WH: 49
Married 28 years
3 Wonderful Boys 21, 25 & 26
LT EA OW #1 was a former BFF
10/24/2010 WS got on Facebook and found former best friend from 30+ years ago & now in an EA.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Wisconsin
dayatatime
Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)

Likewise, I know WH's A was an EA only as I hacked into his email and found messages to his best friend about how he really should "hit it" and had sex with her so I would have something to be angry about. He felt I had no right to be angry about an EA, particularly with the way he rewrote marital history.

Believe me, if he had had sex with OW he would have been bragging about that. Instead he bragged to his best friend about what a great guy he was for not having sex when OW was offering it daily at work.

He confessed to me as he said he was unable to resist the urge to have sex with her. It was my job to help him keep his pants on despite his undying luuuuuvvve for OW and his hatred for everything I'd ever done wrong in this M.

I think he wanted me to kick him out so he could be free to have sex with her. Or he wanted to eat cake and enjoy her adoration without losing his family. Or maybe sex wasn't part of the deal... adoration was. She wasn't all that attractive ... good body but very masculine looking face and very desperate, aggressive demeanor. His previous girlfriends and I are totally opposite of this ... she is not his type.

WH said as messed up as he was at the time he knew turning the EA to PA would have made R impossible for us. He reasoned that an EA was no big deal.

So yes EAs only can happen but they suck.

BS 49
WH 52
Son 10
Dday 9.24.07


BS 55
WH 57
son 16
SA for 40+ years

Posts: 798 | Registered: Nov 2007
Paper Roses
Member
Member # 19336
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, July 22nd (Thursday)

I am finally beginning to believe that my husband's E/a was at least mostly E/A well there you go! Mostly. He has said, "I am glad I did not consumate our love!" Which was supposed to make me feel better because he did not go that far? Who knows really? I think they did od things but perhaps not intercourse he drew a line there or something. He fell in love which is worse fo me any way.


Me-50-FBW-
He-45-FWh- sober 4 years

Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?


Posts: 623 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Los Angeles
Trying2Survive2
Member
Member # 25758
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, July 22nd (Thursday)

I'm a member of this group.
It will be 2 yrs in Jan that i found out about the "EA" online only. Second DDAY was 2 weeks ago. My husband admitted to a PA at the local fleabag hotel. I suffered in R for about a year, and was just starting to feel a bit better, when WAM, We are back to square one. What a nightmare. I'm so angry that I have to go back to the beginning, and I'm hurting so bad. My husband is 100 percent devoted to R, and during the first year, we really have reconnected and started to work on so many things that were wrong in our marriage. I'm so angry a lot of the time, but there is a small part of me that realizes that if we had not taken this year to reconnect, I would have probably walked out immediately knowing what I know now. I think the hardest thing right now is those never ending movies of the dirty deed. I've not gotten all the exact details of it, but will have to eventually before this is over. I'm hanging in there, but going through all of the stages of garbage just on another level this time. I honestly think it would be easier to walk, but have decided that is not what i want. I love my husband, and hope we can make it through this.
There's not a single person in the real world that I talk to about this, and would welcome discussions with other BS women to talk with.


Faithful Wife ME 52
FWH 47
DDAY #1 1/11/09 EA Online ONLY (NC)
DDAY #2 6/2010 Admitted PA with the same PIG(12/08)
"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness"

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: USA
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 22nd (Thursday)

I had an EA that never turned PA. It was long distance and through IM chat and phone calls. We never met in person.
What stopped us? The emotional pull was sustaining the fantasy, for sure. And meeting in person would have certainly ruined the 'we are just friends' justification of the A that kept us going as long as we did.


Suppressing your feelings only locks them in place.

Posts: 49145 | Registered: Sep 2007
Trying2Survive2
Member
Member # 25758
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, July 22nd (Thursday)

The emotional pull was sustaining the fantasy, for sure. And meeting in person would have certainly ruined the 'we are just friends' justification of the A that kept us going as long as we did.

hmm interesting, because that is exactly what my WH says happened once the EA turned to a PA it was DONE.


Faithful Wife ME 52
FWH 47
DDAY #1 1/11/09 EA Online ONLY (NC)
DDAY #2 6/2010 Admitted PA with the same PIG(12/08)
"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness"

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: USA
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, July 22nd (Thursday)

My WHs EA is killing me more than the PA. I also just found out that he has yet another online profile to look for partners. I have an acct where I can go check to see what social networks his private email acct is attached to. I am just lost like the rest. We were fine up until his MLC started about a year ago. He is also a SA in total denial. I am exhausted and will probably not continue in the M.

He is showing no effort. His EA has made me believe he doesn't care for me any longer. He says "love ya" when we get off the phone. Horrible!


Me: 45/WH (SA): 49
M: 26 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce halted

Posts: 1245 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
SurvivingEA
Member
Member # 26872
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, July 22nd (Thursday)

My FWW's EA was so close becoming a PA when I discovered it. Based on the correspondence I read, I have no doubt it would have become a PA if I had found out later.

In some ways, I thank my lucky stars.

However, in her pursuit of making it a PA, she wrote him messages that still haunt me to this day (over a year) and makes me wonder what was exchanged on the phone.


Me: BS
Her: FWW

Posts: 785 | Registered: Dec 2009
LostDad1974
New Member
Member # 29245
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, August 5th (Thursday)

I am sad to say I am a card holding member of this club. My W and I have been married for 11 years – together for 6 years prior to that. We have been through a lot together: financial issues, a child with special needs and the death of her mother last year.

In April, we spent a week at the beach for her sister’s wedding. Throughout the week I started to see a different side of her. It almost seemed like she did not want me around. She wanted to send me to get the kids to bed so she could party with other friends – would not dance with me at the reception – you know, little things. I expressed to her how much this hurt me, and she did say that she did not realize she was doing it and it was never her intention to hurt me.

When we returned from the beach, the odd behavior started. Her cell phone was on her hip like a holster. She’d sleep with it and hide it when she would take a shower. She would often slam her laptop shut whenever I walked by. Her email and Facebook passwords were changed. Before I started to dig deep, I approached her and told her that I was scared that something was going on - that I knew things between us weren’t great – and that I wanted to change that. I questioned her about the odd behavior and she said it was because I was being over-bearing and she didn’t feel like she had any privacy. I didn’t think I was, but took her word for it. In a sense, I actually felt guilty for accusing her of something. She said I was crazy.

I made a strong effort to spend more time together – having a date night and spending time alone away from the kids. Sexual relations between us is very rare – she never seems to be interested. But when it does happen, it is pretty good. Unfortunately, the odd behavior did not end. So I felt it was time to dig deep. I am pretty savvy with computers and was able to install a program on her computer to monitor her use.
I found out that she had a private email account she was using for a profile she set up on an adult chat website. Oddly enough, I did not freak out right away. The profile was not an accurate account of who she was and where she lived, so I chalked it up to her having fantasy chat with random men across the country. What I did find that disturbed me, were private chat sessions she was having with the best friend – and also Best Man – of my BIL. She was the Maid of Honor at the wedding I spoke about above. Convenient, huh? The chat I found was somewhat innocent, talking about random stuff. I still gave her the benefit of the doubt – and figured I’d do some more investigating.

D-day started like any other day. I worked, we ate dinner and decided we would have physical relations – which was great! Less than an hour after that, I was working in my office and felt compelled to log onto her Facebook account. She was in the midst of a chat session with the best friend of my BIL. I was sickened by what I saw: a heated sexual conversation about how they wish they could be together. Not only that, she brought ME into the mix – stating that they didn’t want to get caught – not because it was wrong – but because “my husband is a girl and is overly-dramatic.” Two floors upstairs, less than an hour after having sex with her husband, and here she was saying all of the these things to this POS!! I flipped. I called her downstairs, told her I knew what was going on, that I was sick about the whole thing. And, yes, I was a bit dramatic – but who wouldn’t be?

At first, she was defensive because she knew she was caught and I invaded her privacy. She said it was purely fantasy and nothing did – and nothing would - ever happen physically. I told her I didn’t believe her and she has two options – end it and let’s fix our situation, or let me walk away. She said it meant nothing and she would end it. By the way, did I mention this was Father’s Day weekend?? Happy Father’s Day! I even started to chat with him THAT NIGHT and told him to stop being a HW and stop talking to my wife. He told me to man up. That didn't help my anger - so in retrospect, I should not have reached out to him. But my emotions took over and I was fuming!

The next day, we talked more. I told her that if she really wants a chance at working things out, she should take him off of Facebook, send him a message that it is over and, for God’s sake, tell this guy I am a good husband, hard worker and good father – not the girl she made me out to believe. But don’t do it because I am holding a gun to your head – do it because YOU feel it is the right thing to do. Don’t do it to appease me. I told her that I did not believe her that it would not have turned into a PA, because the guy is local and the chat logs tell a different story – that if they could have, they would have. She insisted it was still fantasy. She said she did find him attractive, but she was not in love with him and that he just made her feel attractive. I asked her if she texted him via cell phone. She said sometimes. I asked her how she kept it from me. She said it was under one of her girlfriend’s names. She showed me her phone and said I could check all of her contacts to ensure he was gone from her phone. Stupid me.

The next night (Father’s Day) her phone received a text late at night. She refused to let me see who it was and erased the message before either of us could see it. She said it was a friend from work. I knew who it was. To confirm, I got online and checked our bill – and sure enough – it was the POS Best Man. All she did was changed his name in the contacts from one friend to another. And the amount of texts between the two of them in this 2 month period was almost 900 tests!! Some full days worth – from the time I left for work to the time I got home. Texting and chatting was even going on with me in her presense!
The next morning, I told her I was leaving. I am not going to stay around and get hurt anymore. I took off my wedding ring and started packing my suitcase. She said she did not want me to go. That she was writing a letter that morning to send to the OG . Which she did. It was a actually really well-written. Stating she knows she was wrong, wanted to fix her marriage and that it was over between them. It almost kept me from leaving – until I went back on her computer and found that she had written him a second letter stating that I forced her to write the letter – that I am forcing her to delete him from Facebook – that I was forcing her to tell him I am not a girl. She told him to ignore it and cool off on the texting for awhile because I am checking it. That was enough for me. She was called every name in the book. I was sickened. Like I was living someone else’s life. I could not believe that after all of these years, it was like I didn’t even know who she was anymore.
That night, I left. Driving around aimlessly, not knowing what to do or where to go. Thinking that my life was over. My family is my life. All I would have left is my job. But what good is that if I have no one to share it with? She begged me to come home, so I did. When I got home, it was the first time throughout the weekend that I saw true emotions from her. Not this zombie that acted like she did nothing wrong. I told her I am really contemplating a divorce. She said she didn’t want that. I wasn’t, and am still not sure, if she wants to stay together for the kid’s sake and our financial sake – or if it’s because she still loves me. I still get the feeling I was in love with her more than she was with me. That I was attracted to her more than she was with me. To this date, I still don’t know.
It has been roughly a month and a half since D-Day. We are currently in the early stages of couple therapy and we are trying to work it out. It seems like a breakthrough for her because she doesn’t believe in therapy – but it was her idea. I still suffer every day. I am still in a very overly-obsessive state of mind. Wanting to know every detail. I find myself wanting to harm the POS OG – and I am not a violent person. I know these things are not good for the healing process, but it is how I feel.

I find myself extremely jealous, wanting the all day texts to be with me - wanting the online fun to be with me - trying to fill that void in her life. But it hasn't happened yet, which is making it hard for me to heal. She wanted it with him and not with me? WTF?

Based on her conversations with the OG, I know they did not meet … yet. I am not sure if this would have stayed an EA or would have turned into a PA. Either way, it hurts like hell. I still love her deeply. She is a good mother and I know it has been a rough year. I really hope and pray that we will come through this stronger, but it is going to be a long, hard process. My heart goes out to anyone in this position and hope I can find some support here from those in similar situations.

[This message edited by LostDad1974 at 4:29 PM, August 5th (Thursday)]


Me: 36
Her: 36
D-Day: June 20, 2010
Daughter: 7 (special needs)
Son: 9
Married 11 years - Together for 17

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2010
wantingtobelieve
Member
Member # 29292
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, August 18th (Wednesday)

Everything that I have seen suggests that EAs either go physical or die. Long term EAs are few and far between. Usually an ongoing EA is a PA that has not been consumated yet due to logistics.

I hope this isn't true
My WS admitted finally to a EA that lasted around 4 years.

[This message edited by wantingtobelieve at 12:38 AM, August 18th (Wednesday)]


BW 36
WH 35
4 Beautiful kids
baby #5 due may 2011
Together for 17 years
DD #1 7/1/10
Lots & lots of TT

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2010
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, August 21st (Saturday)

Lost Dad-i hear you and these EAs are disgustingly common-I hope you are posting in Just Found Out, etc for support.


remarried 11-15-15

Posts: 1770 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
survivorman
Member
Member # 29515
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, September 3rd (Friday)

My WW's EA never became a PA, in part because it appeared mostly to be a fantasy on her part. OM was an xBF who she reconnected with online. Over the course of a month-plus of secret messaging/email, they got very intimate, but not in a romantic or sexual fashion. She and I were in a precarious situation ourselves, so even after I discovered their correspondence, I didn't insist on NC, figuring she'd just go underground again. (They were supposedly working out issues from a bad breakup. I know -- retch city.)

Fast forward a month, and she blindsides me with the announcement that she thinks that this MOM is open to a relationship, and that she'd like to "explore" it. Cue D-Day music. They never met -- he lives in another state -- and only ever talked twice on the phone, once VERY briefly.

Still, for two months, she pines after him, scours the Internet for "messages" that she thinks he's leaving her (he's wisely ended their email contact) and insists that she's leaving me. It doesn't end until I finally call OMW, learn that she knows all about the contact and that she thinks my WW is a stalker. OM issues an NC letter to WW and me, and two days later WW is seized by a horrible paranoia in which she believes that OM and his friends/colleagues/mob buddies are spying on and stalking her both online and even in person. The plus side: It pulls her out of the fog. I provide the best TLC I can, her paranoia gradually eases, and we begin the hard work of reconnecting.

Which generally seemed to be going well until she told me a week ago that she plans to move out as quickly as possible and get a divorce. But that's a story for another post.

[This message edited by survivorman at 5:41 PM, September 4th (Saturday)]


Me: BH; Her: Slime Mold; DS7
D-day #1 6/09; D-day #2 8/10; divorced 3/12

After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone


Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: survivorman
Linzie4
New Member
Member # 29038
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, September 3rd (Friday)

My husband had EA 25 years ago, with a woman in our church that he was giving voice lessons to (she asked him to give her free lessons since she couldn't afford them and wanted to prepare better for going on the mission field. (!) I think it lasted about a year, or less, before she and her husband left the church and moved out of the city. I only found out in Nov. 09. He swears they never had sex, but kissed, hugged, held hands, cuddled, and talked about her sex life with her husband (she told my husband she cried when she had sex with her husband...so my 'hero husband' offered her some suggestions !...Then the next week she told him she 'went wild' and wished she could share it with him. He 'says' he told her, that even if she would, he wouldn't let her. And he told me that the reason he said that to her was that he had her on a 'purity pedestal' and that would have destroyed it. I guess that if they had had sex, it would have ended the affair. I'm too old to start over...but I am having a problem making a decision to leave him; he says he never loved her, that it was just a 'crush' and a 'sexual fantasy' and now says her actions were those of a slut or whore. He is not blaming her for the affair, just has begun to realize how much she pursued him (he sat down one night and wrote, on his own, the various things that went on and were said, and came to his own conclusion that she was really the one who initiated the thing, with her flirting, and compliments to him, and then pursued him with lots of phone calls to his office, and a couple, at least, of gifts.) I really think this is corect, although, I am not excusing him at all, but she told me herself over the phone when I found out, that she just wanted my husband's time and attention because her husband was in graduate school and didn't have time for her... (My husband admits that he did tell her he loved her at the time, but realized later that it was him trying to get an ego boost from a younger woman, and that he never intended to have an affair, and never even thought about or considered getting a divorce.'

Any advice from anyone???

[This message edited by Linzie4 at 11:52 AM, October 4th (Monday)]


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2010
Crazymama
Member
Member # 24957
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, September 9th (Thursday)

(((Linzie4))) OMG. I am so sorry. My wh has been trying to find his long lost for 40 years now (all kept secret from me). She was a girlfriend in high school who ditched him, married his brother and then divorced him. I never realized anything about his feelings until I googled his name and a post came up with him looking for his long lost love. I don't know what advice I can offer you, but I don't know if I can get over this. It makes me feel like our whole married life was a sham. Take one day at a time right now. Most important is to take care of yourself and your sons. Does the ow's husband know about all this?


Me BS 57 DH WS 59 several ea's and search for long lost love
Married 38 yrs
D Day 07/08/09

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2009
Linzie4
New Member
Member # 29038
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, September 9th (Thursday)

I don't know for sure, but I don't think the OW's husband knows yet. I am struggling every day with trying to feel that I have been loved in my marriage but it is hard. Did your husband 'search' all through your marriage for his 'lost love' or just recently? Maybe it's just a 'phase' he's going through, and maybe counseling would help? Your story sounds more like mine that most I have read. I will keep you in my thoughts, and hope your husband comes to his senses.

[This message edited by Linzie4 at 11:55 AM, October 4th (Monday)]


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2010
elad
Member
Member # 29497
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, September 11th (Saturday)

My STBX has been having countless (yes countless) EA's over the past year or so. She refused to stop, and we are getting D. In fact she's leaving me for one of the EA's and moving to Ohio to be with him. As a matter of fact, while I'm typing this, she's sitting in the next room texting the OM.
I can't wait for this whole mess to be over.


Me-BS
Her-WS numerous, countless A's
7 Years
7 year itch?

Posts: 173 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Winnipeg
soulsearcher4
Member
Member # 29540
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, September 12th (Sunday)

(((Linzie4))) Just some words of encouragement here...

It is never too late, you are never too sick and you are never too old to start from scratch once again.
Starting from scratch could be repairing your marriage... or something else. But don't think you can't just because of age.

(((elad)))
There were so many nights of that... We've been separated since August. I went over a few times, and we'd already made a decision to D. But while watching some TV while I was over there (having lunch, she needed someone to drive her around) she was still texting... all those old feeling I hadn't felt since June were coming back. I was suddenly very excited to have it all done. It sucks I have to actually contact her to get it done. Dragging my feet sooo bad.

I was at a mutual friends party too last weekend. And there she was again texting who knows who. Not like it matters... but same old feelings of unease and discomfort. I still logon to some of her accounts to see if I can see what she's doing... i really have to stop that :(


Me: BS
Her: WS

Divorced.

Remarried to a supremely wonderful person!


Posts: 203 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: So.Cal.
elad
Member
Member # 29497
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, September 13th (Monday)

((((soulsearcher4))))

It sucks that some people are so selfish, and stuck in the fog, that they have no idea of the amount of hurt, they are causing....

And it sucks that we are the ones that feel that hurt....


Me-BS
Her-WS numerous, countless A's
7 Years
7 year itch?

Posts: 173 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Winnipeg
Stay_Or_Go
Member
Member # 29532
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, September 14th (Tuesday)

Hello all, I didn't realize how prevalent this problem was until I came here. I just know when I found evidence of 100s of text exchanges dating back over a year and a half between my husband and another woman, my heart sank! I will be following this thread and plan to read each page!

Posts: 151 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
Herzschmerz
Member
Member # 29805
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, October 14th (Thursday)

My WH has now had 3 EA's (that I'm aware of). I wish that EA's were more widely understood and accepted as being damaging and wrong. I've been disgusted at how many people I have run across that actually think that as long as you didn't have sex that it isn't an affair. Or even those that think that EA's "aren't as bad" and PA's. Sorry... but they're both based on lies, deceit and betrayal. The mechanics of it really don't matter as much as the fact that the person broke their vows, lied, schemed, etc.


Me: BS (33)
Him: FWS (34)
DDay 1: 06/04/10 | DDay 2: 10/02/10
OEA plus another texting EA
Together 17 yrs, married 6
One beautiful baby girl together

Fully in R! (and successful Retrouvaille "grads"!)


Posts: 422 | Registered: Oct 2010
Stay_Or_Go
Member
Member # 29532
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, October 14th (Thursday)

I know what you mean. In some ways, I think it can be worse, because he can't say he was just using her for sex.
That he had such a strong emotional attachment that became even more important than me, his wife, and they never even slept together...well, it hurts like hell.

Don't get me wrong, I am definitely glad to be free from the worries of him exposing me to STDs and unwanted pregnancies from a PA. I think the only reason the EA never got that far is she lives in another city and he never had the confidence to make the move. I think if she had attempted to initiate sexual contact, he would have done it in a heartbeat and it kills me!


Posts: 151 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
forever faithful
Member
Member # 29621
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 18th (Monday)

EAs suck so BAD! Its steps from becoming a PA.My H asked me if Im ever going to get over this..? Sure I will in time but it has been only 3 mths!! My H works with the %#*^!! He has a job interview today with another company, so this is a great step forward.My H is trying very hard to do all the right things, so I ask...Why now are you putting so much of yourself into this marriage now? H responds..Because I realize what I would have lost It dosent matter if you go to another job, work in a man only workplace or even never speak to another woman again in his life! Its about being betrayed and the trust gone from our marriage.It just wont happen overnight but overtime. I have said to my H many times...I hope she was worth damaging our marriage?! I just feel completely screwed over!!

Posts: 196 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Canada
Trying_To_Decide
Member
Member # 29792
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, October 18th (Monday)

I know of at least 4 EA's over an 11 year period with WH. He is in one now...though I have told him if it doesn't stop, I walk out.

I left and stayed elsewhere last night, adn he called me this mornign. I came home to get kids ready and off to school, and he tried to smooth everything over. I told him it wouldn't work, he had to recongnize his part in this f'd up mess, continue IC. He ahs had ONE appt, and he doesn't realize HE is at fault here. He blames everything he ever does wrong (drinking, hanging with women...) on our lack of communication--which he sees as my fault.

GAH!
I am steps from being out the door for good.


Me, the BS:38 ...now 43
WH...STBX:39 ...now 44
3 kids, 16+ years

Posts: 530 | Registered: Oct 2010
godawgs
Member
Member # 28172
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, November 12th (Friday)

My wife has been having an EA for about 11 months with someone from facebook. We have had numerous Ddays. I have threatened D. I have a key logger on the pc and other things. I have busted them together on numerous occasions. I know it has become somewhat physical but she swears no sex. I don't believe her. She has promised NC and broken it so many times I have loss count. We had such a good marriage before and it appears completely lost now. She is seems so lost in the so called "FOG" that I don't know who she is. There is no reasoning with her anymore. They talked all the time on her cell phone. He still calls her at work. I busted them talking last week. I am so tired of trying to catch them. It seems to have consumed me and my every thought. I hate it.


Me=BH 36
Her=WW 34
One wonderful boy 4
First D-Day=Jan. 25, 2010
SO MANY MORE SINCE THEN! I have lost count
I moved out=Jan 26, 2011
Filed for D= Dec 8, 2011

Posts: 155 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: midwest
iamsurviving
Member
Member # 23478
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, November 29th (Monday)

I'm a member of the EA family too. Not a great place to be - my Dday is coming up 12/16/07 and I still struggle a lot. Struggled with my wedding ring so finally took my wedding ring off 1 week ago. Wear it on my right hand though - not really to not wear it at all but not ready to tell the world I'm married either since H and OW broke that circle. Still having horrible problems coping with it after 40+ years of marriage - at our age - there's no place to go. I also didn't suspect a thing - felt so stupid when I found out but did meet OW same day to confront her. Now how I wish I could talk to her now - have lots to say to her. OW moved out of state - but comes back and forth to visit family - I have not seen her but feel her presence in a lot of places. Thanks for starting this thread - need to hear from a lot of people and it's good reading and learning as well. God bless all here.


Me: BS (68)
Him: WH (72)
Married: 48 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

Posts: 304 | Registered: Apr 2009
diminishingpain7
Member
Member # 20072
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, December 9th (Thursday)

My H had an EA too, as well as a semi PA with another woman (2 encounters of "petting") I have a condition clld vulvodynia where sex can be extremely painful. It was at a point where it was manageable, but was still difficult as we had an 16 month old and I was pregnant with my son at the time. Some days I wish with all my heart that it was just sex and not an intimate relationship with a woman that he "loved" I can even, most days, forgive him the PA due to the lack of sexual intimacy, but the EA is gut wrenching. Love was all I had to give him. I gave it fully and completely, without judgement or jealousy. I trusted him with my body and soul. I endured countless painful sessions because I wanted to be able to show him my love. I suffered silently because I knew he would stop if he knew I was in pain. He never wanted to hurt me... ironic eh?

Now, to know he gave his heart to another.... it just plain kills me.

ps. I think the barfing smiley is my favorite one.


Me~BW 32
Him~WH 35 OW#1 PA (no intercourse) OW#2 EA 6 mos
D-day 4/16/08
In recovery

Best post EVER ---> http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&AP=1&HL=


Posts: 240 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: not sure where I am...
hurtb4
New Member
Member # 30583
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, December 31st (Friday)

Ironic that I found about this website reading my Redbook magazine last night. Ironic because 2 yrs. ago today-12/31/08-I found out about my H EA. I found out who it was with (she had been a friend of ours,my church bible study partner, and his former coworker & was also married). This was 2 days after he had asked for a divorce because he wasn't happy. He denied the EA or any A for that matter. He did not come clean about it until well over a month and I believe only because I confronted him with all the information he could not deny.Our 2 children and I moved out 3 days later after finding this information out. I honestly don't think I have ever experienced anything so hurtful,humiliating,disappointing....I can't even begin to describe the emotional roller coaster that has followed. I just want to let others know that you will survive. It will be difficult, painful, and you will experience emotions you probably didn't even know possible. My H and I did reconcile. We did a self-help book and sought counseling. One of the best things the counselor told him was that I will never forget the A. I will eventually come to not think about it every day or month but I will never forget about it and he will just have to accept that. That is true. I don't think about the OW as much as I had. At one point she literally consumed all of my thoughts. This time of year brings it all back but it also reminds me how far we have come. Strangely enough, our marriage is better than it had been. As hard as it was to admit, our marriage didn't fall apart in one moment, it didn't take just 1 person to let it go downhill, and we were both to blame.With that being said, he does understand this does not get him a pass for what he did. He knows how bad he hurt me, knows that if it ever happens again we are done, and he knows and understands that he is not completely trusted. yes it has been 2 yrs but I am not ready to give complete trust. He also knows know just how much he stands to lose. So with a new year ahead, I just wanted to give everyone out there experiencing this some encouragement and hope---there is light at the end of the tunnel. A big help to me was www.mysoulsoup.com. Kristen Jongen has 2 books out. Haven't read the 2nd one but I can tell you the 1st one is extremely uplifting and encouraging--she experienced a PA by her H. Check her stuff out if you get a moment. There are days I still read it. Best of luck to you all in 2011!

Posts: 1 | Registered: Dec 2010
Gypsie
Member
Member # 30560
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, January 6th (Thursday)

In November, my daughter found my WH's the old texts (dating back to 2009) and decided I needed to see them. It was a sexting relationship.

Somehow, this EA thing is so much more painful, difficult to process, than if he'd just slept with her.

He has admitted everything. No TT. He is NC since the day after DDay, when he told her I knew about the EA. According to him, their only physical contact was hugging. I'm still suspicious and skeptical. Normal, I guess. But he's been good as gold.

Some days, I believe him and feel good about our chances. Others, I want to pack a bag and never look back.

We'll be starting counseling through his EAP soon. I'm scared. What if stuff comes up that I can't handle? What if there really was more? Or others? And what if he learns things about me that are dealbreakers (no, not an A, but maybe some flaw he can't abide)? Can you tell my self-image - already fragile - has taken a hit? Sigh.


BW (Me) 38
WH 51
Married 10 years, together 11.5
No children (I have two from my first marriage)
D-Day 11/14/10 (exactly a month before my b-day)
D-Day 2 - 01/25/11
Filing for D in April

Posts: 350 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Memphis
BetrayedinMN
Member
Member # 20970
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, January 6th (Thursday)

To me, sex with a random person might be easier to deal with. The EA's are horrible.....not taking away anything anyone feels with a PA but the emotional attachment, time spent, secrets, discussing me and our relationship...on and on are horribly difficult to try to overcome and deal with.


Me - 43
XH 42 (A's with co-workers)
Dday #1 (EA) 2008
Dday #2 (EA) 2010
DDay #3 (EA) 9-2-12

Was served divorce papers on 10/30/12
D final 4/30/13


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
Blueeyedfella
Member
Member # 29944
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, January 6th (Thursday)

Hey everyone, I have a question.

I have a good buddy who's wife started an EA back in early summer. It got pretty heated but she swore she never did anything outside of kissing him. She told my buddy that she wanted to marry this other guy, blend the families (there are kids on both sides) b/c she loves the guy. She'd sneak off for hours at a time and eventually come back to my buddy. They did MC, tried NC and it's kind of going okay, but I can tell from her that she is not into it, at all. She's almost depressed that she lost something which was so exciting to her.

My question to you all is, do you think it's more than a EA? Regardless of what she tells my buddy, I think she's FOS and that there's no way she hasn't slept with the OM, but she's sticking to her "kissing only" guns.

What say you?


Me: BH (Mid 30s)
Her: WW (Mid 30s)
Married 10 years, together 15.
2 kids under 4.
DDay: Jan-2010
4 false Rs with varying degrees of "trying" - same result
Dec-started mediation process.

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2010
onestepforward
Member
Member # 21589
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, January 11th (Tuesday)

Blueeyedfella - I'm with you, she's FOS. Have you introduced your buddy to SI? Sounds like he needs it.


BS (me): 49
STBXWH: 53
(PA's: 1 proven, 1 unproven and probably more; EA's: multiple over 10+ years ... ongoing)
Divorcing.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: France
survivorman
Member
Member # 29515
Default  Posted: 3:43 AM, January 11th (Tuesday)

BEF, she really is most likely talking out of her ass. Given opportunity, an EA will almost certainly turn into a PA -- and the fact that she admits to kissing means the opportunity was there.

The main exceptions to the general rule seem to be long-distance EAs (little or no opportunity) or heavily fantasy-based ones in which actual sex would burst the soap bubble. Neither sounds like it really applies here.

ETA: Corrected some year-old typos. Yes, I'm anal-retentive that way.

[This message edited by survivorman at 12:34 AM, August 28th (Sunday)]


Me: BH; Her: Slime Mold; DS7
D-day #1 6/09; D-day #2 8/10; divorced 3/12

After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone


Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: survivorman
poopylala
Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 11th (Tuesday)

My WBF had at least one EA, online actually, and it transgressed to a PA. After DDay 1 back in Nov, I said I thought we could work through this and when things started getting rough between us, I guess he assumed I was going to leave him so he started OEA #2 Dec 11. He doesn't really see that one as an OEA but I think when we get to that part of the lies in MC he'll realize yes it was. Monday we started MC and I confronted him about the truth about OEA #1 and how I knew it was a PA also but he never confessed that to me. He said (as I figured this was the case) he was scared to lose me and he knew if I knew that truth that I'd leave him and plus he was scared to hurt me. I sent him one of the posts on TT about how TT is usually more damaging than the actual PA/EA is the day before MC and I don't think it hit home at that point that he needed to be honest. I mean I've known about this because I talked to OW#1 and OW#2. I hate that I found out from them and not from him. I told him he needed to decide where his loyalties were because I refuse to be second best. I didn't say if I was staying or leaving, I just said he had to decide by Friday. Well I didn't talk to him the rest of the day and I think he is slowly but continuously coming out of the fog and realizing what he did and how it has affected me. He has started doing things right this time (he did confess last Friday when I think he started coming out of the fog that he had not in fact been trying before whereas before I had told him he wasn't trying and he maintained that he was) I feel it's more honest now. I hope we can get past this but I think he needs to understand it's a 50/50 thing, not a 70/30 where I do tons of work and he does a little bit.

To all who have just found out, to all who are being Trickle Truthed, to all who are lost, to all who are here, I am so sorry we all share this boat. Feel free to PM me anytime. I have faith that we can all get through this.


BGF (me)- 26
FWBF (him)- 26
Was in a LTR but it's complicated now

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 979 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
Ex-BFF
New Member
Member # 30142
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, January 11th (Tuesday)

I agree, wasfooled2, I think an EA is much worse than a PA. I found text messages from my H to the OW trying to convince her that her husband and I were good people, but we would be ok if they got together. BTW, she lives across the street from us and the four of us were very good friends (I thought) - ha - apparently she has done this before before they moved to this area...she is very unhappy in her own marriage and I told my H he was just a diversion for her...something to pass the time....the fog seems to be lifting from his eyes...they would meet during the day (he would actually LEAVE WORK) at a local park...he would get in her car and they would talk and kiss...with her 5 month old in the backseat!


BS Me (49)
WH (51)
Married 24 years
2 DD (19, 14)
1 DS (22)
Dday 11/10/10 EA with my "Best friend across street"
Second Dday 12/26/10 Merry Christmas!

Posts: 45 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordmayhem
Member
Member # 30526
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, January 14th (Friday)

This is the club I never wanted to join.

Last June I discovered my wife having an emotional affair after having reconnected with an ex-boyfriend on facebook. After investigating, it was incredibly hurtful with how much they were secretly communicating. Thousands and thousands of minutes of talking, chatting, and text. Hundreds of dollars in additional phone bills.

After further investigation, I'm pretty certain that it was strictly an EA, with him in Canada, and us in Nebraska. But I did find out that she was inquiring on how to renew her passport and researching information on immigration and working in Canada. I even intercepted an IM from the OM telling her that all she has to do is "send the application to the company", which tells me she was at least planning on abandoning me, escape to Canada to be with him, and work in the same company as him.

I confronted her too soon without gathering more evidence, so she's using the excuse that they're just friends, which she maintains to this day.


BH-me, 45
fWW-her, 50
Married 21 yrs
2 kids (21, 12)
D-Day: 06/11/10

In R at this time


Posts: 532 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: USA
deb3129
Member
Member # 30315
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, January 14th (Friday)

My husband had an EA with a coworker. I know it was EA only, because the emails I read before he knew I was suspicious said it was something they would do in the future. But the same emails also talked about him leaving me for her, which hurts way more than if he had actually had sex with her. The hardest thing about all of this is that I don't really have any close friends, and no one I can really confide it. I feel so alone.


I am pessimistically optimistic


Me- 45
WH- 38
Married 15 years, together 18. Two kids together, boys age 11 and 12.
DDay-11/29/2010
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.


Posts: 825 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
phoenix_vs
Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, January 14th (Friday)

You're not alone. We're not alone.
My WBF has an old girlfriend that he can't seem to leave alone, and she uses him for a guidance counselor when she has a life crisis. They supposedly broke up at least ten years ago, but if she calls him, he falls all over himself sneaking off behind my back to call her again and again. It was so bad this summer, there were over 1200 minutes of conversation between them. Since the cell bill is in my name I discovered it after the fact. As you say, I did not know something could be this painful and not kill you. I did drop 20 pounds in about two weeks, though. This is the third time in eight years of being together that she has busted into our lives. I'm not letting it go this time. Unfortunately, complicating things is he's an alcoholic, and has also started buying pain relievers off the street, so he's IMO an alcoholic/addict. Suffice it to say, he doesn't think very clearly.
I've been posting and reading here for about six months and I have benefited so much from the collective wisdom here, that I am much stronger and wiser. I am working the 180, attending AlAnon, and getting rid of some of my own anger issues that have kept me from fully respecting myself.
Finally, he has obtained a high paying job, which he is very good at, even with the addictions, and I do not have but a small part time job, so I have not been paying any of the household bills, except my own bills. This was his idea at first, but now, he tells me he has so many bills after him that he is having a hard time. So his attitude has changed, but since he does not have any credibility with me for telling the truth, and I have not seen any specifics, I have not given him any additional money. I will not sacrifice my own well-being to finance his drug and alcohol habit. I am taking care of myself, and I am building up an emergency fund should it become necessary to leave and go on my own completely.
I began this post to let you know you have been heard, and you are not alone, and it turned into a rant from me. So getting back to the beginning, please know there are people here who care. Continue to reach out by posting and reading and you will find the comfort and support you need.
(((hugs!)))


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, January 14th (Friday)

My (FWH) would never say that his EA was anything at all. I got the "just friends" comment too.

I don't believe him and I never will. I never heard their conversations, or text messaging. I only caught him through cell phone numbers. They talk daily and went to lunch and a dinner that he claims lasted 5 hours.

EA are just "gateways" to PA. Once they have slipped to an date, secret phone calls it would be easy to cross one more line.

The fact they share details about me and our married life will always haunt me. The lies and the betrayal the cruelty is the worst of it.

I have paid all my husband consequences and he has rewarded himself with a sports car. The is no justice in EA/PA or all of the above on this thread.

My husband is a good financial provider and that is where it stops.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
Blindsided37
Member
Member # 25963
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, January 14th (Friday)

I don't believe him and I never will. I never heard their conversations, or text messaging. I only caught him through cell phone numbers. They talk daily and went to lunch and a dinner that he claims lasted 5 hours.

Heart_in-a_blend: This statement triggered me big time! My WH and OW talked daily, went to lunch often, and met for dinners at out of the way places. One dinner was at a bed & breakfast that he still claims took 4 hrs and 45 min!

I will never believe that.


WS: Him (62)BS: Me (59)
Married 36 yrs - 2 Grown children
DDay: May 23,09 DDay #2: 9/09
R: Slowly...


Posts: 557 | Registered: Oct 2009
Matchstick Man
Member
Member # 30722
Default  Posted: 3:43 AM, January 18th (Tuesday)

Well, mark down my name on the members list.

Found out my wife had 2 EA. OM#1 was a ex coworker who lived about 40 mins away. It had been years since they worked together that they started a online relationship(cyber sex). This went on for about a year 08-09. The things I read, I will never be able to rinse clean of my memory. She talked about meeting up so many times, making plans when she had her girls night were he lived... It makes it so much harder to believe that it was just a EA...

EA#2 took place from 09-10. OM#2 was a mutual, married friend, guess more her friend, who lived right here in town. I always had my suspicions, but when I did bring it up, I got the "just friends" bit... I see now, I was just blind. I got lucky in finding out about this EA, as I was looking at her Ymessenger for chat with OM#1, and there it was, one message lasting not even 5 mins. She told me OM#2, even made a pass at her not long after they met, stroking her cheek, but says she turned him down, ending it there. But they continued to talk about sex and who knows what else. Again, so hard to believe nothing happened, when she tells me that she wanted to, and I read it in black and white, but never did.

I contacted both of the OM. OM#1 says...No surprise, nothing ever happened...blah blah blah...

OM#2 was a dick... Saying that he never did anything with my wife, but he knew for a fact she had cheated on me, more than once... Bad mistake on my part... oh and I told his wife what I had found out,as she was a friend of ours also.

I found all this out on November 24, 2010. She has only confessed to the things I discovered on my own. Except about OM#2 making a pass at her, she told me about that...

I still have the feeling that one, if not both, turned into a EA. She says no, but still waiting for that shoe...I am at a roadblock for finding info from the past. I know there is more on this damn computer somewhere...


How the f*ck are we supposed to know, When I'm a monster, with the way, You refuse to die, How the f*ck are we supposed to know, If we're in love or if we're in pain. You're just a coffin of a girl I knew and I'm buried in you.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2011
Way2Trusting
New Member
Member # 30574
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, January 18th (Tuesday)

Matchstick Man...get a hold of her cell phone bill with itemized calls and texts. That told me everything I wanted to know. My wifes co-worker was "just a friend" (God how do they say something so cliched with a straight face!!). I was able to track her location by the cell towers that transmitted her calls...I figured out that on a day she was suppose to be at work she was AT HIS HOUSE!!! She denied it to my face until she finally realized I had her cold. Then she swore there was no sex, he made her breakfast and a nice picnic lunch where they held hands and kissed () I have no way of ever knowing short of a polygraph if she's lying because I'm sure she knows I'd divorce her if she admitted to crossing that line. Remember...they will LIE until they're blue in the face to avoid owning up to what they did...and this is a cold hard fact I learned from someone I slept with and thought I knew inside and out for 20 years.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2010
Matchstick Man
Member
Member # 30722
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, January 18th (Tuesday)

Way2Trusting, the thing about her cellphone is, it is... prepaid, you buy the minutes and add them to the phone. Only way I can perceive getting any info from her cellphone is a sim card reader...dont know how good they work.

Both men live far away now, I'm not really worried about what she will do with them, but what she has done with them...

I tried downloading IEF and Fchat, but seems it will not run on our PC. I tried every solution I could find online...still same error.

I don't think I will ever truly believe what she says...how can I? So, I just look at it as she did have a PA...I just dont have the proof. Like many have said EA or PA, it hurts all the same.


How the f*ck are we supposed to know, When I'm a monster, with the way, You refuse to die, How the f*ck are we supposed to know, If we're in love or if we're in pain. You're just a coffin of a girl I knew and I'm buried in you.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2011
tequilashots58
New Member
Member # 30888
Sad  Posted: 1:31 AM, January 19th (Wednesday)

To start...there are some trust issues. My H had a PA with a women before he moved to be with me. I never knew until after he moved in with me and saw her name on his chat messages on line. He was still in contact with her. He lied about it, but she told me everything. We split up and went to counseling. Managed to get through it and for the most part things have been fine. Since then my H has had several EA's with women. The most recent was a long lunch that I had seen planned on text messages on his work phone. I asked what his plans were for lunch and got the response that he did not know since he was so busy and would grab a sandwich down the street. I even offered to get him something. I talked with him several times and gave him oportunities to tell me what he planned to do at lunch. So I followed them and waited as they had a 2 1/2 hour lunch. I called and texted him during that lunch and was put on ignore or texted that he was in a meeting and couldn't talk. I waited outside the restaurant until they came out. I was so hurt and angry that he lied about it all. I had the day off work and he was off work before lunch (which he neglected to share with me), yet chose to spend it with her and not me. The OW is a coworker and he claims it was just a lunch and all they talked about was work. She is 25 years younger and engaged. After I confronted him he claims he doesn't know why he lied and that she has no idea he lied. Other EA's have been emails, to women he knows, about what's going on in his life. They are never sexual, but he shares what's going on in his life without ever mentioning me whatsoever. He tells them "I did this and went through that" when I was right by his side, yet he never refers to his wife or mentions me by name. In the past when I asked about these emails he says I'm being paranoid and it's just conversation.
We are in counseling and he tells the doctor he doesn't know why he does this. I am pretty much done unless he can get some help. This is a pattern of bad behavior I'm not sure he can change. The doctor says with therapy he may be able to overcome this. I love him, but I'm not sure he can change this behavior. Has anyone else experienced this type of EA? No sexual talk, but sharing their lives as if they are alone. It still hurts when he shares with these women things that should be shared with me alone. And it hurts to see that he respects me so little and to be leading these women on as if he is single.


D-Day 12/30/10
Trying to undertsand why.
EA's and lies...was it worth it?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Earth
tequilashots58
New Member
Member # 30888
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, January 21st (Friday)

Unbelieveable! After telling myself and the MC that he would do anything to fix our marriage, he went out for drinks after a meeting with women from work...one being the OW he had his very long secret lunch with. He told me he was doing this after work and it was just work related....they all needed to talk about the meeting. More lies. I asked him not to go since he claimed he did not know why he told all the lies about his lunch with her. I said if he didn't know why then he should stay away from her. (I'm leaving out all the actual explitives) He went to have drinks anyway after I begged him not to. He did come home sooner than I thought he would, but probably because I texted him a big FU on his work phone. He really seems to have no conscience and an attitude like "Nobody tells me what to do when it comes to my work". Not sure this M can be saved as he doesn't seem to get it. So, we are not talking and I wait for the next session with the MC next week. Hurt and angry...again and again.

[This message edited by tequilashots58 at 12:42 AM, January 21st (Friday)]


D-Day 12/30/10
Trying to undertsand why.
EA's and lies...was it worth it?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Earth
lordmayhem
Member
Member # 30526
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, January 23rd (Sunday)

tequilashots58, what kind of work does he do that requires talking about it during non work hours?

He seems unrepentant. And yes, he is definately in the EA fog. You say you have access to his emails, are they work email or home email? Or is he able to access hiw work email from home? He may also have a secret prepaid cell that you don't know about where he can discuss more intimate details with someone.


BH-me, 45
fWW-her, 50
Married 21 yrs
2 kids (21, 12)
D-Day: 06/11/10

In R at this time


Posts: 532 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: USA
pmr411
Member
Member # 29899
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, January 23rd (Sunday)

Hi Deb 3129!
My husband also had an EA with a coworker. I found out last May 2010. The first few months were extremely difficult for me-all of the emotions and trust issues really took a toll on me. But, we are working hard on R. I love my husband and still have bad days, but I have hope that we will get through this. If you ever need to talk PM me and we can exchange phone numbers. I understand the need to have a friend to talk to, especially someone who has experienced infidelity. Hang in there!

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2010
tequilashots58
New Member
Member # 30888
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, January 24th (Monday)

lordmayhem...I'm pretty sure there is no pre-paid cell. I have access to his home email and have found emails to women. There has never been any intimate or sexual talk...but lots about his life and what he does with absolutely no mention of me. As if I don't exist. The only access I have to his work texts and email are on his work phone. Most times it is deleted, but he forgot one night and I checked his messages. Snooping...yes, but there was a reason his email and texts were allways deleted and I knew it. So, I found the messages about planning the lunch. It's in the open now and I now know what an accomplished lier he is. We go back to counceling this week and I will add to the list his going out for drink against my wishes. It'll be interesting to see what the councelor has to say to him. He is basically kissing my ass to get back in my good graces, but the wall is up...might take dynamite to get it down at this point.


D-Day 12/30/10
Trying to undertsand why.
EA's and lies...was it worth it?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Earth
Matchstick Man
Member
Member # 30722
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, January 24th (Monday)

Found out my WW was pretty much in love with OM.

How the fuck am I suppose to feel about this...

Guess Ill take this pill and drift away.

[This message edited by Matchstick Man at 2:11 AM, January 24th (Monday)]


How the f*ck are we supposed to know, When I'm a monster, with the way, You refuse to die, How the f*ck are we supposed to know, If we're in love or if we're in pain. You're just a coffin of a girl I knew and I'm buried in you.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2011
tequilashots58
New Member
Member # 30888
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, January 24th (Monday)

Matchstick Man...I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. It does hurt whether it's a EA or PA. Doesn't really matter...it hurts like hell. Are you in counseling? It may help if you want to save your marriage or just help you get through this. I know it's helping me understand my WS's reasons for his EA's. And remember...you didn't do anything wrong, she did. And yes, she's probably lying about the PA's never happening. Deep down I always knew my husband was lying to me about things...I could never prove it and without concrete proof he would take the truth to his grave. That's what he does...he lies. So, the counselor is helping him dig deep and discover why he does this. Inadequacies or something he feels is missing in his life even though he may not be aware of it. Tell her you want to go to counseling. If she says no then maybe you need to think about moving on. I may have to do the same. Hang in there.


D-Day 12/30/10
Trying to undertsand why.
EA's and lies...was it worth it?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Earth
Matchstick Man
Member
Member # 30722
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, January 24th (Monday)

She suggested MC when I first found out... She admits it is something wrong with her and that she needs IC... Is MC expensive, we are a modest household...


How the f*ck are we supposed to know, When I'm a monster, with the way, You refuse to die, How the f*ck are we supposed to know, If we're in love or if we're in pain. You're just a coffin of a girl I knew and I'm buried in you.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2011
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, January 24th (Monday)

deb3129

You are not alone. My H had an EA that lasted 2 weeks, and he fell so in "love" that he came home and asked me for a divorce. I got the phone records and found that they talked on the phone for hours. One night, I called him, and he told me he had to get off, because he was "tired." The phone records show that what really happened was that he got a message from her, got off the phone with me by saying he was tired, and then he talked to her for 3 hours on the phone!!!

(He lived 5 hours away from home at the time, because of work.)

Glad to say, he we are now reconciled, he has come completely clean, and he now says he was crazy. I'LL SAY HE WAS CRAZY!!!!!!! He almost broke up his family for a woman who had done the same thing two years earlier, also with a married man, while she was married!

He thought he was "helping her" with her marital problems at first.....but he quickly became part of the problem, and he created marital problems of his own for a while.

Hang in there, if your H is out of the fog, there is hope. Write here as often as you need to.

Hugs for you ((((((deb3129)))))


Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Aug 2009
tequilashots58
New Member
Member # 30888
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, January 24th (Monday)

Matchstick Man
Some MC's will let you make payments. Do you have a University close by? I know that sometimes they have programs where you can get counseling from a graduate student. They sometimes can be just as good a a MC that has been in practice for years. If not, get some good books recommended here in the Healing Library to help you out. My H and I are reading The Seven Essential Elements of a Good Marriage by John Gottman. Between that and MC, who knows how things will develop. Hope it helps.


D-Day 12/30/10
Trying to undertsand why.
EA's and lies...was it worth it?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Earth
Cally60
Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, January 24th (Monday)

the emotional attachment, time spent, secrets, discussing me and our relationship...on and on are horribly difficult to try to overcome and deal with.


Oh how true this is! I am still in shock that my hitherto full-of-integrity husband could have behaved in such a totally uncharacteristic way. Had I not read his horrible conversations with OW with my own eyes, I don't think I would have believed him even capable of it. Even now, I feel like crying when I think of certain comments, which will, of course, be branded onto my memory forever.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 11:39 PM, January 24th (Monday)]


Posts: 2346 | Registered: Mar 2009
Asian Beauty
New Member
Member # 30921
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, January 25th (Tuesday)

Dear Tequilashots,

I am definitely a member of this club.

Your comments about how he created a world where he was SINGLE... never mentioning you, his wife, never mentioning the fact that he was married... really resonates with me.

I read some of my husbands comments to other women and though they were not sexual, they were openingly flirty.
He never once mentioned that he was married... had a life as a married man. I feel like I was obliterated, just erased out.
He did this... he did that... but I was there! He didn't do any of this on his own. But of course, no mention of our life together...

This hurt me more than anything else; so much that I had trouble breathing at first. Of course, when I told him this, he had NO idea what I was talking about.

But I am so glad that someone understands...


"I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up..." American Beauty

Me: 46
WS: 53
One son


Posts: 31 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Asia
tequilashots58
New Member
Member # 30888
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, January 26th (Wednesday)

Asian Beauty..
I understand how you feel. Our situation is a bit different than most in here, but the pain and hurt is the same. All the sharing about their lives like we don't exist.
My H and I are seeing a MC and it is helping him understand how he has made me feel. If you can find it, there's a great story posted in Wayward Side. Look for the Topic: "This helped me finally get it-The Tree". I read it and it made me cry. It is about a woman who's H had a PA, but much of it relates to the hurt and pain he caused her. I printed it and gave it to my H and told him to read it. He did. he came to me and told me how reading it really made him realize how much he hurt me. He brought it to our counseling session and shared it with the MC. He finally admitted to the EA's in the session. I was floored. He has had several EA's over the years and always got defensive when I asked him about them. He never admitted to doing anything wrong...it was just conversation. Find the post...it may help. if you cannot find it, let me know and I'll send you a copy. Thanks


D-Day 12/30/10
Trying to undertsand why.
EA's and lies...was it worth it?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Earth
forever faithful
Member
Member # 29621
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, January 30th (Sunday)

Im so tired of hearing "my spouse had a EA/PA with a coworker" Cant even trust your spouse to go to work anymore!!!! WTF!!!!

Posts: 196 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Canada
tequilashots58
New Member
Member # 30888
Suspicious  Posted: 8:19 PM, January 31st (Monday)

forever faithful....Agreed!


D-Day 12/30/10
Trying to undertsand why.
EA's and lies...was it worth it?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Earth
tequilashots58
New Member
Member # 30888
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, January 31st (Monday)

Asian beauty...
My H and I have had many discussions about his "conversations" with OW and he's starting to understand how it makes me feel to be "left out" of the conversation. Not that he needs to talk about me...but when talking about what's going on in his life it should be "we" not "I did this and I did that" with no mention that I have been by his side through good and bad. I also told him, as did the MC, that these EA's can often turn in to PA's since the OW thinks she's helping him through difficult times and that we as the "not caring spouse" won't be there emotionally. They may be aware of a marriage, but he has given them the impression it's a "bad" marriage or there is no emotional connection.
One woman he was talking to was an old HS classmate. I found emails back and forth talking about their lives since HS. He mentions his kids and his family (from 1st marriage), but not once did he mention me, my children, grandchildren...only his. I knew there was a problem specially when she asked him if everything was ok at home? She was fishing and I knew it. So, I answered her email as him. Told her everything was good, and talked about "my wife" and that when we were back to visit sometime he would love for her to meet me. Guess what? She never emailed him again. Hmmm? When I pointed that out to him he realized that he was giving her the wrong impression (probably on purpose), and that she was also looking for something as well...a new man!
He knows now how that hurt me and that what I did was out of self-preservation. Not out of spite.

[This message edited by tequilashots58 at 8:45 PM, January 31st (Monday)]


D-Day 12/30/10
Trying to undertsand why.
EA's and lies...was it worth it?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Earth
forever faithful
Member
Member # 29621
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, February 1st (Tuesday)

Very gutsy move emailing the OW thinking it was your H!! I love it I just find I cant let things "crumble all around me" without somewhat helping out to clean up the mess. I not a confontational person but when it comes to my family....no holding back!

Posts: 196 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Canada
Asian Beauty
New Member
Member # 30921
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, February 1st (Tuesday)

Tequila Shots,

Very good! I am so happy to hear that you have made progress... any progress is good news and beats limbo.

Since I last posted (seems like weeks ago...), my situation has changed.

From flirtatious postings talking about HIS life, HIS stuff... my gut told me that other things were going on.
Wanted not to find things, but checked his cell phone a few nights ago.
Well, he has been cleverly deleting all messages... except that he left messages from a few nights. I see three 'girls' that he is sexting with (is this the term?)and one girl who is he just lovely-dovey with,
and openly friendly day and night... messages that he should be sending his wife.
As someone told me on this great site, 'nothing changes, if nothing changes. time to step up the game'...

H still in denial (just messing around...)and I have gone 180% into 180.
I have finally swept the elephants out from under the rug...now there is too much informtion.

And now must join a new forum : sex addict/serial cheater.


"I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up..." American Beauty

Me: 46
WS: 53
One son


Posts: 31 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Asia
Jeanne
Member
Member # 28741
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, February 5th (Saturday)

Asian Beauty,

I know just how you feel. My WH is not only having an EA with some fucking skank whore from 30 years ago but he is still having the EA with OW #1 MY EX-FRIEND!


BW:46
WH: 49
Married 28 years
3 Wonderful Boys 21, 25 & 26
LT EA OW #1 was a former BFF
10/24/2010 WS got on Facebook and found former best friend from 30+ years ago & now in an EA.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Wisconsin
Asian Beauty
New Member
Member # 30921
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, February 7th (Monday)

Jeanne,

Just read your story...
I am so sorry

I have been doing a lot of soul-searching... and I know that I let everything go on with my 'blind' optimism.
Everything is so clear now and these EA's are only the tip so to speak.
I see his deep need to be admired by someone, constantly, stroke his ego... where I only see disappointment and revulsion... and unfortunely, the only people he can attract are 20-somethings on the Internet where they can't SEE him...
Wishing you well.


"I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up..." American Beauty

Me: 46
WS: 53
One son


Posts: 31 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Asia
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, February 28th (Monday)

My Ex had an EA with his HS girlfriend. The one person I felt threatened about when we were dating ( In the 80's!)
The one person he said he would NEVER be attracted to. The one person he said I had "nothing to fear" when he met her for dinner in August. The person who started texting him, (it popped up in the car) and suddenly, he started deleting his texts.
We divorced in December, and he is still dating her. To this day, he denies it has anything to do with the reason we divorced. For a while, i believed him.
Trying to move on, but i still love him and miss him. I hate that.


Me: BS 49
Him: WH 54
OW - HS GF, reconnect on FB - They are now M
M- 23 years
DD Sept 2010 - he was lying about meeting and deleting all his texts
D-12/13/2010 - 60 days after i called uncle

Posts: 633 | Registered: Feb 2011
Chasing Pavement
New Member
Member # 28902
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, March 8th (Tuesday)

I've been married 23 years and we have one daughter,age 16. For the last 12 yrs my husband has worked nights, I worked days. I would get up in the am and he wouldn't be home. Thinking he was out with the guys from work since 3am was his 5pm and he was winding down, I didn't worry. This happened 2-3 times a week. Long story short it wasn't the guys he was hanging out with, it was a new group of friends he had met. In particular, two women. One is 50ish, we'll call her LOSER and her niece is 30ish, we'll call her SKANK. LOSER is married, but her husband was in prison. The SKANK was in a long term relationship and had a child with a biker.

This started about 2004. In 2005 I was in a major car accident, rupturing two disc's in my low back. I could no longer work and that's when I realized he was not coming home at all for days at a time. I thought he would come home about 7 or 8 in the morning and he left for work at about 3pm, so he would be gone when I got home from work. When he would show up after disapearing for several days I would ask him "where have you been?" and his answer would be "what do you mean where have I been?". After about five rounds of this, I would stop so I wouldn't have a stroke. I refused to think about this for the longest time as I was trying to heal from the accident and get used to having pain and limited use of my back. I could no longer work, I didn't have a car anymore, and I couldn't do much physically so I just tried to keep my emotions and the looming problems at bay.

One Saturday LOSER, her husband and SKANK come over to our house and I am introduced. I become friendly with all of them but am never told the true nature of my husband's relationship with them. I find out little by little. Such as the time our cell phone SIM cards got mixed up and I started getting his phone calls instead of mine!

The things he would do for these two women were amazing. I would beg him to help me with a chore or take me grocery shopping and it was met with "I don't have time", etc. BUT all they had to do was mention something they needed or wanted and he couldn't do it fast enough.

Here's an example: I had no car, so I walked our daughter to and from school, every day rain or shine. Yet he would take SKANK(now pregnant) to doctors appts, shopping, etc. He rented a convertible Mustang for the LOSER to drive on a weekend trip she was taking. I can easily think of at least ten more examples.

Eventually the biker boyfriend got fed up with my husband and he beat him up twice. That still didn't keep him away from his "friend". He didn't understand why he was mad after all they were just friends. He would say that nobody was going to tell him what to do or who he could be friends with.

About three years ago I put my foot down, I told my husband how inappropriate this relationship was, how much time and emotional energy he was taking away from our marriage. I told him how much his behavior hurt and embarassed me with his "friendship". I even changed the locks the last time he didn't come home. After the second beating my husband said he would end it and no longer be friends with SKANK. All he did was lie to me. They would secretly call each other, go places, etc. He was always available. These are two examples of his behavior. When we were moving out of the house we had lived in for 15 yrs. It's about 6pm and I notice my car is gone (we are down to one car) and I start asking where my car went. My daughter tells me that Daddy said he'd be right back and left. We didn't see him again until 2am. meanwhile, the rest of us are trying to get the last two truckloads moved, because we have to return the truck by 7am the next morning. When he gets back he tells me he had to go to work. He had taken the night off, but said that they really needed him. I found out later that SKANK had called him and he met her at the local casino. He did go to work but it was about 10pm. New Years 2010, right after midnight, he's on the front porch with the door open and his phone rings. "Happy New Years" is exchanged and a very brief conversation. He comes in the house and asks me if I mind if he goes to our friend Robbies house for a drink. I'm ready to fall asleep, so I tell him to go and have a good time. Well... it was SKANK on the phone and he was going to meet her.

Finally, the SKANK'S biker boyfriend showed up at my house looking for my husband, saying that when he found him he was going to give him a beating that he would never forget. He threatened me and said that if my husband had anything more to do with SKANK, he would would destroy our cars and trash our house.

I don't think my husband has seen here since then. Not because of the threats but because on that same day, Aug 9, 2010, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He has Extensive Stage Small Cell Lung Cancer. He has received massive doses of chemotherapy and had to stop working Dec 2010. He is slowly becoming sicker and probably won't see another Christmas.

We have talked about this as recently as two weeks ago, I again told him how this has made me feel, how it has robbed me and robbed our marriage of the time and energy that he spent on his "Friend". He still doesn't get it. He feels that he did nothing wrong. I'm trying to deal with how I feel; the anger, the hurt and the resentment. I don't want to spend the last days with my husband and feel like this. I need him to truly understand what he did so that I can start to heal before he dies.

[This message edited by Chasing Pavement at 11:59 AM, March 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: No. California
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, March 9th (Wednesday)

chasing pavement-I see you are new and wanted to let you know that this forum is slow. Try posting in Just Found Out.

I am sorry you are going through all this


remarried 11-15-15

Posts: 1770 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
doublecrossed
New Member
Member # 31339
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, March 14th (Monday)

Hi, D-Day January 20th, 2011 My WH and I are employed by a company in Ohio . He has 41 years of service in and I have 33 and a half years.

My WH and I both work in the same department under the same supervision. I was off of work from July 16, 2010 through January 31, 2011 due to my youngest daughter having a serious chronic illness and another daughter having a serious car accident which left her temporarily disabled.

I found out on January 19th, that my supervisor’s H had committed suicide because she had left him. Because my WH had NOT told me she left her H, a red flag went up and I checked our cell phone records and found that my WH had been having ongoing contact with our supervisor for over 3 months. She had now become the OW. Phone records are evidence of the phone calls and texting between them before, during and after work hours. Phone records also include records of calls placed to the direct line in the office of the supervisor. Guard assisted calls were also recorded to OW office. She had placed the first call and several others to my WH with me being unaware that she had his cell phone number, (which both have forgotten how SHE got it.) on Jun 13, 2010, the first weekend my daughter was hospitalized. As time went on I saw on the records that things really started to escalate towards the end of October. All calls and texts stopped the day I confronted them and they both told me they were “just friends“

I sent my WH cell phone in to digital forensics to retrieve texts messages and pictures shared between the two, because I felt I was being lied to about the numerous calls and texts. I should be receiving them this week or early next week. There were thousands of minutes of calls and hundreds of text within a 3 ˝ month time period. My WS finally admitted it had been a "Romantic Affair". They told each other they 'LUVVVED EACH OTHER," BUT MIRACLE OF ALL MIRACLES HE REALIZED ON d-dAY, HE LOVED ME INSTEAD, NOT HER...lol! So do I really want to read those text messages? I told WH I did NOT want him around when I was reading them…I don’t know what my reaction will be.

When I confronted the OW about the facts she offered me $3000 to NOT send the phone in to retrieve the messages. I refused. So what is she hiding? They both claim they never met anywhere or were physical. Do I believe another lie? My WH hasn’t touched me for 4 ˝ years. He says it’s Erectile Dysfunction. We both work 12 hrs. 6/7 days a week… No time for him to do anything extra, until the A started. Then he was gone every evening driving around to “talk” to somebody who cared about him. He claims he thought I didn’t care about him any more. Oh yes, Good one WH!

I had 8 years of ongoing issues with the OW and had 3 years previously confronted her about her asking my WS out for drinks to discuss company problems after hours, which she did in front of me, directing the invitation to WS with little to no regard for me. I, of course, was excluded from the invitation. I told WS to put a stop to it…He said “I don’t have a problem with it, you do, so you go tell her.” And I did! Upon confrontation she apologized and told me she would not do that anymore , that her H and her were very much in love…AND "OH I MUST APOLOGIZE TO YOUR SPOUSE" Is she stupid or what? I am the offended party and she cared more about him...No I am the stupid one:(. And how things change in a short time. Poor guy ( may god Forgive him and May he RIP) died in vain, if he only knew what his WW was really doing. And My WH thought I didn’t care about HIM anymore? Give me a break, Please..WHO Doesn't care about WHO?

I asked my WH several times throughout the last 8 years to stop letting OW share her personal life with him. He refused to stop. About 3 years ago a female employee filed a grievance against her for “favoring” my WS and letting things happen in our department that should not be happening. I was the only person not called into this investigation, reasons unknown to me. I had women approach me about the OW constant contact with my spouse and how it did not look proper. However I thought they were discussing work so did not look further into it.

OW also had a lawsuit brought up against her 7 years ago from a gentleman that worked here temporarily. I do not know what the charge was but I am aware that this man was being “sexual harassed by a couple of female temporary’s who would lift their tops up at him. I work in an above office and Jared would come up in tears that he did not know what to do. He had already told our supervisor and she refused to take action on his behalf.

OW tried to sit down and try to work out things out with me so we could have a more professional job situation, especially for my W, who is so stressed out, (seriously?) and she is so lost as what to do in the department cause he always did it all. After all they were “ Just Friends”. I told her to shut up, my WH already told how they had “fallen in love”. And "what is so professional about you" I asked. “I am a professional wedding decorator on the side and how professional would it be if I looked at the Groom to be and said “ Let’s get together for drinks and discuss what you need for your wedding day”. Real professional right?” NOT!

So OW has contact with my WH concerning work every day. I also have to deal one on one with the OW, who has asked me to “please not turn her in to Human Resources till her estate is settled.” Her H apparently did not leave her a will. She left work early a couple weeks ago and told my WS she needed to get her house appraised before "EVERYTHING BLOWS UP IN HER FACE AT WORK." Imagine what that would do to her image. I confronted her again and told her “Stop sharing personal things with my WH. I DO NOT want to go to Human Resources and turn you in” I do not feel comfortable with this work situation.
On 3-2-11, 6 weeks after D-day, my WH couldn't handle that I wanted to go to HR and report her plus the guilt that he hurt me and couldn't fix the hurt in 6 weeks so he went to HR, filed for his retirement pension, went home and packed his stuff and moved to mamas. What a line of bull.. He never filed to retire. He said I sent him one text message too many when I was upset that day he moved out. He moved back after 4 days under the pretense I had made too many bills , which I did when our daughter was ill and I was off work.WTH! What did he think, that me not working = his money stretching to cover everything. LOL!
So any way I told both cheaters I was not getting the texts now, so you can imagine their relief....untill I get them , read them and confront them again....My WH is actually trying with me but I am so hurt cause he just wants to forget it happened....How do I do that? Right, you can't. I am now going for IC and wanted him to go with me, but I know he won't say anything....So I am waiting for the text messages and waiting to see what was going on with him...Her I can hardly stand to look at. She has totally thinned out, has a flat @ss, saggy tatas and looks like a demon from hell. Ugh! And people at work do know what happened, or have sort of figured it out...Too bad for them both being idiots! Especially him....She was probably trying to make him husband # 6? So now I can not trust him for any reason. AND I TOLD HIM, " HOW DARE YOU MOVE OUT BECAUSE I WROTE ONE TEXT TOO MANY, AFTER YOU AND HER WROTE THOUSANDS TOO MANY. IF ANY ONE SHOULD MOVE OUT IT SHOULD BE ME."
Thank you for LETTING ME VENT! And yes, I am a fool because although I did not trust OW, I trusted WH with all my heart, mind and soul and I still love him…..and all that I feel is the betrayal of being double crossed….I cared about OW at one time and thought we respected each other….


Doublecrossed

Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Ohio
TotalyBroken
Member
Member # 31645
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, April 6th (Wednesday)

My h had a EA. He focused all his energy on her and making him and her happy and left me out to dry.

She is an ex. She ended it with him 10 years ago. She was at a wedding we attended last September.

He didn't point her out to me or anything at the wedding. Sometime after that (i haven't gotten a clear answer yet) she contacted him to say she was sorry for how she ended things with him.

He said don't worry. Then she said she still had feelings for him. He said he had feelings for her too.

Then they started a 6 month EA. He wrote her love letters. He called her his princess. He called himself her prince. He called her sweetheart- the same thing he called me.

They also had online sex and phone sex and sexted.

He confided in her.

I can't get the words i saw him say to her out of my head. I can't stop imagining the conversations i don't have evidence of.

On any given day all i want to do is curl up and cry. But i don't feel safe anywhere. He conducted the affair from our office. With me in the house. My home isn't a safe haven anymore.


Most posts are on my phone, so I apologize for poor grammar and spelling, and random weird auto-correct words. :)

Me- BS
Him - FWH
D-Day 3/27/2011
R in process. We'll see where it goes.


Posts: 146 | Registered: Mar 2011
betrayed4lasttim
Member
Member # 31786
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, April 7th (Thursday)

Please allow me to join here. I have been obsessed with my phone reading posts since I found the forums yesterday. This infidelity crap, is just that, crap.

My story. I have been married for almost 11 years. 4 months after my marriage my H had "what I called an inapporpriate relationship with another teacher".

Then, one day, out of the blue when my adopted daughter (adopted as newborn) was three and my son was almost one, he left me out of the blue and drove to NY. I found out later that he had a huge EA with a women he met on Final Fantasy. I was livid, but knowing my personality, being a Christian woman, wanting to have a successful marriage, I changed everything I could about me. I stopped seeing my friends, lost baby weight, treated him as if he was KING.

Well October 17, 2009- after two wonderful years, I thought we were happy. I felt he loved me deeply, I thought he was so into me. On DDay I got up early, stumbled into the kitchen to pack lunches for my daughter's soccer game. The IPOD alarm, that was suppose to be mine was going off. When I went to turn off the alarm, I could NOT BELIEVE what I read.

He was having EA's with two women and they were very sexual. Now, please do not kick me out of here- because one of them turned PA Bigtime, they worked together. She worked with my WH and her husband all worked in the same building.

OMG. I can't believe what I read, One woman in Florida was going to drive to Charlotte to F**K her man.

The other Whore lives here and he admitted to being physical with her.

But, the reason I want to be here is because I believe this is where I need to be. He is emotionally insane. He can't walk pass a weak woman who needs attention.

They were texting discusting texts. He even texted that "My c**ck was so ready to explode inside of you".

Look- I am so overwhelmed that I possibly have a place to vent, help others, and possibly heal. But, I need to be here.

It's been over a year and a half since DD of this last one. He is a wonderful man. We are back in church, he is dedicated to me, he has done everything from meet with two pasters, to beg for forgiveness, to step it up with the kids (to the point that I look like the bad mommy especially since he screwed up my life so badly). He has done better with absolutely every important relationship in hislife. God, me, the kids, his mother.

But, the pain of what he has done and the uncertainty I face from will I ever be enough for him? Why and How could he treat me so badly? To will it happen again, to which is worse, what he did or what I put up with.

He has changed me into this obsessed woman, that wanted nothing more than a good father to my children, a good husband, a simple, no frills but satisfying life that is God centered into a person that I do not even recognize sometimes.

But this recovery for me is hard. Some days are great but some days I can't stop feeling bad about myself, my world and everything in it.

God, please let me stay. I know this is already long but I have so much I have to put down.


Pussy has no face.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Apr 2011
betrayed4lasttim
Member
Member # 31786
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, April 7th (Thursday)

I apologize for not actually responding to anyone elses stories yet. Please give me a minute because I have been so alone in my head for so long.

I have so much to ask, so much to give, so many stories to share.

Anyone want to know what I did when I found that stupid IPOD????
I immediately tracked down where the whore lived and went to her house. I told her if it was the last thing I did on earth, I would tell her husband everything I discovered. I accidently deleted the e-mails but he believed me because of the detail I had.

That stupid woman was going to meet my wH at the gym while her's went to urgent care with pain in his appendix. who does that?

Well, we have all moved on, but she still works there somewhere but I'll tell you the truth. I didn't know that they had met at Sam's parking lot and made out until her husband told me. I didn't know they were meeting in conference rooms and making out.

I would have knocked her teeth down her throat and watched her choke on them.

This is the biggest thing. I can not understand Cheating. I don't get it. It is the cruelest, meanest thinig anyone can do. Why on earth would anyone want to risk their blessings for something they believe will make them whole. And, why does it seem I am the only one paying for their stupidity.

I hate affairs. I hate them. I hate lies.

Now, something else about me. I just turned 40. I have two beautiful kids, 7 and 4. I have wonderful parents and inlaws. I have a disabled brother who now has pre-leukemia. I have my Masters in Special Education, my National Boards and on a scale from 1-10, especially for my age- I'm atleast an 8. But, he's brought me down to a 1.

I used to be fun, charming, full of life, determined, friendly, and a well rounded person. I'm now a shadow of who I used to be.

The worst part is my Husband doesn't even know how much is in my head all the time.

He's apologized and apologized. He's been wonderful. He is sexy, he got real sexy when he was cheating on me. He looked really good. And I don't mean to sound mean but he's shorter than me and he will always be shorter than me. So, whatever.

When I found out about the Sam's parking lot, I kicked his muscular butt, chipped a tooth. Please don't think me violant. Im not but a person can only take so much. Even my pastor laughed at that cause he couldn't help himself. It's just not my character to be threatening and mean. If anything, I'm quiet and humble.

I got to the bottom of the steps and my sweet daughter asked me why I hit daddy. I said Daddy got a spanking because he had been a really bad boy.

Now, of course I do not ever want my kids to see anything like that- EVER. But, nothing I did EVER deserved what he put me through.

Okay, I know I'm rambling. God, I'm so sorry.
Thanks people.


Pussy has no face.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Apr 2011
betrayed4lasttim
Member
Member # 31786
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, April 7th (Thursday)

Last thing. The strange thing about this board is that the OP her name was EA (in short). My husband had an EA and a PA with EA.


Pussy has no face.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Apr 2011
shockingspring
Member
Member # 31810
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, April 9th (Saturday)

Did any of you learn that the EA was also a PA without WH telling you? I have a strong belief that it was, but no proof.


Oh so lost and have no clue which direction leads me the right way.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Apr 2011
lotstolose
Member
Member # 30158
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, April 14th (Thursday)

My evidence that the EA turned PA was my nose. I could smell her on him. Not perfume or shampoo: her.

WH would laugh in my face if I told him this. Without a photograph or some detailed written out declaration from one or both of them he would/will deny 'til he is cold in the grave. It is his nature.

So, while the EA has been going on for a year and a half, and the PA was contained to a 2 week period when the OW was here (OW lives overseas) I feel no more sick because of it. The EA and the lying did the damage. He doesn't even get that.


me: BW 41
him: WH 41
married 9 years, together 17
2 great kids, both under 4

Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2010
mostlymine
Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, May 24th (Tuesday)

My husband started an EA with a married co-worker the beginning of this year. They each helped each other solve a work related problem. She pursued my husband. They realized they loved each other in the middle of February. I had been telling my WH that I didn't like them texting so much. I even said how he was talking to her more than me. He worked late most days and even on the weekend. At the time our youngest was 7 months old. I heard "we are just friends" so many times. While I was out of town MOW came over and had sex in our bed. She even slept my bed over night. Later in the week WH decided he "didn't know if he could be with someone who didn't trust him". So he stayed at a hotel and had more sex with the whore. When he returned home the affair continued. He finally told me on 3/12 that he slept with her. He lead me to believe it was just in the hotel... not in our house. The EA part continued. I got to hear how he loves her, he needs her, he can't live with out her in his life.

On 4/2 I responded to an email from the whore telling her there was to be no contact. She then decided to she chose him and asked him to leave me. He said no.

It's been 7 weeks and it's still hard that they still work together closely and have one on one meetings. Today is our wedding anniversary. She and WH destroyed my trust. Our marriage will never be the same.


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
tequilashots58
New Member
Member # 30888
Question  Posted: 11:27 PM, May 26th (Thursday)

Well, I'm back and it's been several months. We have continued the MC with some success. He admitted a lot of things during our sessions about having these EA's and that he realizes how much it has hurt me. Building the trust has been difficult. I still catch myself wanting to check his phone, and on the occasion that I have, there have been questions about texts to a certain person. The MC suggested when I have a fear about anything to discuss it with my H and that he should respond with explinations and not with anger. He is the reason I have this fear and he needs to explain ANY questions I have regarding texts OR anything else. These texts seem work related for the most part. The MC counselor suggested he keep it strictly business with the women at work. He agreed. Anyway, we sort of graduated from the MC with his last words to my H. You two have a great relationship except for these things you do...don't fuck it up!
Last Saturday we are working in the yard and he says that the OW he had an extensive lunch with, had asked US to come to her daughters birthday party. I just looked at him and said "Are you serious?". I said "why in the hell would I want to spend any time with her or her family? Then I asked if he would have gone if I were not at home and he actually said MAYBE. Then he followed it up with her "fiance" was going to be there. SERIOUSLY? That's when I got pissed off. He got defensive and then said "forget I mentioned it". Not gonna happen. The fact that he got defensive sent up a huge red flag yet again. So, we really are not speaking much and he's trying to kiss my ass big time because I believe he realizes he screwed up yet again.
Disappointed to say the least!


D-Day 12/30/10
Trying to undertsand why.
EA's and lies...was it worth it?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Earth
phoenix_vs
Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 1st (Wednesday)

Well, hugs to all of you. I see we have a lot in common.

totalybroken:

My h had a EA. He focused all his energy on her and making him and her happy and left me out to dry.

She is an ex. She ended it with him 10 years ago.

same here. Confronted, he denied, confronted again a few weeks later, he got angry and denied, confronted again a few months later, he denied.
When he did admit, he said "she wanted to talk about her daughter's health problems".
Really. My daughter has health problems, too. No 20 hours of discussion with me about it. Including the middle of the night.

betrayed4lasttim:

He is emotionally insane. He can't walk pass a weak woman who needs attention.

When I told his mother, she said "oh, he doesn't love her, she's weak and she doesn't know what he's doing", meaning his drinking. I know she's right, but I don't know if I can get over the hurt. I told him the other day how much it hurt me. He just paid it some lame I won't do it again kind of talk, followed with "I really want to spend my life with you."

Dday was almost a year ago. I'm not getting over it this time. I don't know if I want to spend my life with him.

Again, hugs to all of you. Let's keep posting, we can be here for each other. I wouldn't have made it this far, and learned as much as I have without my SI community.


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, June 2nd (Thursday)

tequilashots58:

I think the reason he asked you to attend this birthday party is because WH just really never "get it".

I know mine doesn't and it's three years this month. My husband still will not admit that he was dating this person even though I have the receipts to prove it.

It's just total bullshit on their parts. I think they still feel that they have not done anything wrong.

It is truly crazy making at it's finest. And, I think I'm going crazy most of the time.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
StillStanding
Member
Member # 18143
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, June 13th (Monday)

Im so tired of hearing "my spouse had a EA/PA with a coworker" Cant even trust your spouse to go to work anymore!!!! WTF!!!!

Or trust them when you are at work. Try having your non working spouse sneak over to a guys house to F him while you are at work. Talk about WTF!!! So I'm out making money and working my ass off so she can buy nice clothes and things so she can look good for him. Oh and he was a former coworker from a part time job she took but no longer had.


Posts: 277 | Registered: Feb 2008
Adolphsnightmare
Member
Member # 32469
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, June 13th (Monday)

I'm tired of hearing it too. Such a lack of disrespect. I'm glad I'm moving on from this garbage. "Oh I made a mistake. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't think you loved me anymore."
So an affair fixed everything for us?
Whatever.

Posts: 148 | Registered: Jun 2011
StillStanding
Member
Member # 18143
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, June 14th (Tuesday)

"Oh I made a mistake. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't think you loved me anymore."

I heard that one too. What a crock. I also heard "I tried to talk to you about my feelings but you wouldn't listen." This is just another statement designed to put the blame on the BS.


In a strange sort of way her A did help me be a better person. I do listen even when what I hear pisses me off. I can remain calm with my responses. I have learned to recognize when she is trying to blame me for her problems and I tell her how I feel about what she just said. She will then retract her blame and apologize. Sometimes I use reverse psychology and agree with her which then makes her turn around and defend me from her own statement. This works good. I learned all these techniques after her A.


Posts: 277 | Registered: Feb 2008
tequilashots58
New Member
Member # 30888
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, July 25th (Monday)

Thanks heart_in_a_blend.
I'd like to say that we have moved on and up, but sadly NO.
He lied yet again straight to my face. Even gave him 2 chances to come clean. This was not an AE, but simple not telling me where he had been for an hour since a meeting was over. Unbelievable! He got caught by technology. His phone butt dialed me when he sat down at a restaurant with several women from work including the one we have had issues about. (So much for listening to the MC and keeping work professional) Now, I'm not angry he went, I'm outraged he lied to my face about it. So my phone rings and I answer. Nobody says anything back, but I can hear him and others talking. I say hello several times and realize he doesn't know his phone dialed my number. I listen for over 40 minutes while he goes on and on about himself and work, and the others are chatting away. I can hear them order drinks, and then he realizes his phone is on. Clicks it off and was back home in less than 10 minutes. His routine was different when he got home. He didn't come look for me or say hello. Just went in the bedroom and changed. I was cleaning downstairs and he finally comes down and says hello. I can tell by his face he's not sure what I heard, but says nothing about where he was. So I ask if the meeting just got over...he says about 20 minutes ago. LIE! I say ok and continue to work. I finish and then change to go out alone, and after I tell him where I'll be I ask if he had any dinner. He says no, didn't feel like eating anything...I had a late lunch. I stand there and wait. Maybe he'll tell me where he was after the meeting. Nope! 2 chances and no honesty. So I leave and meet my daughter for dinner. I come back and calmly tell him how I heard the whole conversation....which was nothing bad, just work and BS...and he had 2 opportunities to tell me where he was and that the meeting was over at least an hour before he realized he butt dialed me. BUSTED again!! He tells me that he doesn't say anything because I might get mad and over react...Really? How about how I react when I know he is lieing...again. So, we are back going to the MC...well, the first visit was last week and I went alone...tomorrow we go together. We have talked and he realizes how he lost all my trust yet again. We'll see what tomorrow brings....but I'm about at the end of my rope. Simlpy...he lies.


D-Day 12/30/10
Trying to undertsand why.
EA's and lies...was it worth it?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Earth
notgoneyet
Member
Member # 33294
Helpless  Posted: 8:56 PM, September 13th (Tuesday)

Nobody has posted to this topic for awhile. I'm about 6 weeks out from DDay and dont' even know why I decided to check the cellphone records. I had warned him that I did that and he knew it. It didn't stop wh from making hundreds and I mean like 700 phone calls and texts to ow in six weeks. The EA had actually been going on for over a year but really heated up in June/July. I haven't heard why. He says he is remorseful, has gone NC which I verify by checking cell records daily at least.

We are in MC and trying for R but I can't forgive. I still have unanswered Questions and wonder if it was really a PA. He would suddenly need to stay in another town for "business" reasons.

Hurt, anger, hope, feat, I range between all those and more. Mostly hurt and anger. Married 36 years. We had become like roommates but he should have asked for D before looking for someone else (which is what I think he was doing). He says just big mistake, his fault.

Sometimes I just hate him.

Daughter just called tonight and said she is engaged. I tried to be happy for her.


Need to update: After almost 3 years at first Dday came DDay #2 which was a true PA with an employee. After discussion on DDAy, he appeared to realize what he had done and called her and went NC. Since then we have been in IC and MC but I am strug

Posts: 144 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: mn
Jayne Doe
Member
Member # 32664
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, September 13th (Tuesday)

Notgoneyet - be careful

My WH had a LTEA with an co-worker that also became sexual.

When I finally found out, I checked the phone records and went nuts how much he spoke to her. So what did he do? Buy one of those prepaid phones. He could sit there and tell me that he no longer talks to her, because of course there was nothing on the phone logs, then I got into his credit card account and saw he bought a secret phone.

Not saying that's what yours is doing - just be careful (((hugs))).


Everyday is a blank canvas, and only you hold the brush.
30y M traded in for a POM (pathetic Old Maid 46, 2 kids from different dads. never married)
S 11/11, D final 1/14.

Posts: 1457 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Suburbia, Arizona
notgoneyet
Member
Member # 33294
Sad  Posted: 10:16 PM, September 13th (Tuesday)

Thanks for the response - a couple times he told me he was just going to buy another phone (in anger, I hope). He has other businesses and I would not have access to all the credit card info.

Trust is a hard thing to recapture after either PA/EA. We are in MC and I intend to ask more questions next week when he can't dodge them.


Need to update: After almost 3 years at first Dday came DDay #2 which was a true PA with an employee. After discussion on DDAy, he appeared to realize what he had done and called her and went NC. Since then we have been in IC and MC but I am strug

Posts: 144 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: mn
sosadandlonely
Member
Member # 9190
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, September 15th (Thursday)

Just thought I'd join this thread. My H had an online "friend" who lives in Mexico. He says it was nothing romantic, and it was just chatting, but didn't tell me because he knew i wouldn't want him to be friends with another female. He told me, I never suspected anything..... not ever. He went NC, as far as I know, is on anti-depressants, and has spent every extra minute with me. He's doing all the right things..... it's me who still has that sick feeling in my stomach. She lives across the world, yet I'm still so angry and hurt..... My marriage has gotten better, probably better than it has been in a LONG time, but I'm still hurt and don't trust him. I can't imagine what I would have done if it was a PA....



"The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair"..

Posts: 4588 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Cinderella's Castle
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, September 15th (Thursday)

Nor do I my husband. Trust goes out the window.

We still love them, but will never, ever completely trust them again.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
notgoneyet
Member
Member # 33294
Angry  Posted: 11:30 PM, September 15th (Thursday)

He agreed at the last MC to make an effort to text or call me without me calling first. That worked for one day, then back to not contacting me unless I did first. Then was mad at me for bringing it up.

Does anyone suggest 180 when he has gone NC and we are trying for R? I just don't know how to get through to him. MC is not helping me.


Need to update: After almost 3 years at first Dday came DDay #2 which was a true PA with an employee. After discussion on DDAy, he appeared to realize what he had done and called her and went NC. Since then we have been in IC and MC but I am strug

Posts: 144 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: mn
Inaturmoil
Member
Member # 22526
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, September 21st (Wednesday)

I want and need to join here too.
I have a problem that i don't know how to cope with.
Believe it or not everything is going well. I got the remorse, the work it takes etc etc etc.
But i need to let go and after 3 years i am realising that i just don't know how to.
The EA was not PA and i cannot find any proof otherwise. They live so far from each other she is his first gf from his hometown and he hasn't been there in 3 years. Neither have i! Parents are still alive.
We have discussed this until we are both sick of it, me included as i really want to put it behind us.
It's almost like there was a honemoon perion in the reconcilliation period and everything was reall wonderful. Almost like we were both lifted up into a new fog and now we are coming down again.
I am constantly doing things to make him happy and aware that this is not the best solution as i am also expecting return of investment!!
I know that this can signify a feeling of insecurity on my part and we have discussed it. I am getting what i want here so what the hell is wrong with me?
I don't even feel any envy or jealousy towards the OW, i don't sneak looks at emails, phone calls bla bla bla anymore and don't feel the need to!
What i do feel is a reflection of who i am, i feel that i have worked sop hard on the reconcilliation that i am no longer true to myself.
I feel angry that i was put into the position where i too had to recover and save him from the mess.
I guess i always somehow felt guilty and part of the reason he looked somewhere else in the first place.
I know i was not to blame for his affair i know that he is responsible and he knows that too.
So why do i feel guilty for not being able to satisfy my own husband enough for him to look somewhere else?
I still have so many why's it is obvious that my h cannot answer these as he has tried til he is blue in the face.
My problem is with me and no amount of IC can help that.
I seem to others to be so happy and balanced, good at my job but deep inside i am struggling with this infidelity.
Yes, i know it can be that i am too proud, try too hard to be a perfectionist and this kicked me in the gut. Some people might say " Hah! silly cow she deserved it but i am hurting.
If i don't sort myself out soon i might just lose everything for good. I am really begging for help to understand why i cannot let go. I would appreciate so much some help from both ws and Bs in what i can do to move on.
A good kick in the butt might just help.

Posts: 362 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, September 23rd (Friday)

Unfortunately, this thread is pretty dead most of the time. So I wanted you to know I read your post. I'm in the same boat so don't know how much help I can be but here goes.

You have worked your ass off to save a relationship that still isn't satisfying to you. And discovered along the way that it's you that now needs to be fixed. This is much harder than fixing someone else.

My husband had an EA as far as I know, that is all he will admit too and I also don't have any proof of anything else. But even so it is to me just as hard to deal with maybe even harder. The friendship and bonding he had with this woman kills me still and it has been 3 years Sept. 22, 2008 D-day.

I have anger issues with myself. Never mind forgiveness or acceptance. Not there yet, may never be. Perhaps we are perfectionist.

I find that I am disappointed in all my relationships now. Someone in SI suggested a book called This Wasn't supposed to Happen to me by Bev Smallwood. I got it and struggling to read yet another self-help book. To me it's better than counselors, don't want to waste any more money or time sitting in some counselors office. That's just how I feel about it.

Eventually, we all have to take a look at ourselves. Don't give up. life is a journey of understanding.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
unlucky12
Member
Member # 33547
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, October 7th (Friday)

My FWW's EA was so close becoming a PA when I discovered it. Based on the correspondence I read, I have no doubt it would have become a PA if I had found out later.
In some ways, I thank my lucky stars.

I feel exactly the same way. My FWH had been texting OW (a "mutal" friend) for about a month when he asked her to go with him out of town. A trip he was supposed to go on with a male buddy who backed out at the last minute. I was trying to go but couldn't find an overnight sitter for the kids so he asked her. She said no. But he tried REALLLLLLY hard. Had she said yes I am certain it would gone went PA. That and I found all their text messages 2 days before his little trip. Yeah, so, while that was a nice kick in the gut finding the texts it was the wake up call we both needed.


Me: BS 35
Him: WH 36
Married 12 years, together 17 years
2 kids: DD5 & DS2
DDay: August 14, 2011 Currently in R
EA with a "mutual" friend (guess she was much more his friend than mine!) and several online dating profiles

Posts: 83 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Michigan
TooHurtToStay
New Member
Member # 33701
Frustrated  Posted: 11:48 PM, October 23rd (Sunday)

It appears there isn't a lot of people here, but I'm a victim of an EA my SBXH was having. I chose to leave and file for D immediately because I was so hurt. Now it's been almost 2 months, the anger has finally subsided, then I couldn't stop crying last week, we are texting & talking, probably too much but mostly about son. I still have this need to be in touch with him even though I don't want to be with him. I know that the EA ended the day I walked out. WH lied & hid it for about 3 months. I discovered it through cell phone bills. I know I don't want to reconcile to the point of living together again but we are at this weird stage of being polite and know that we still love each other. He's so apologetic now, whereas before it was anger and lies. I'm getting confused with myself. At first once I found out all I wanted was out. Like how can he do this to me after 16 yrs of marriage and just expect me to forgive and stay? Now I am questioning my decisions. This is still so new. Any words would be welcomed.


BS-48
WS-45
D will be final in April 2012
1 teenage son

Posts: 5 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: California
MrsConsistency
Member
Member # 32065
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, October 27th (Thursday)

Toohurttostay - that's why I don't believe in making ANY decision until the dust has settled.

Now several months into R after DDay 2….I'm still not sure what I want. But I know that I can leave any time, coming back is something much harder. It only takes 1 to leave but it takes 2 to get back together.

I do know a couple who got back together years after their divorce. And had 2 more children too. I'm sure that's rare but if you still love each other you should at least talk about it. Worst that can happen is you work through it, decide you want to move on, but actually get to process it.

Being left with no explanation or processing is hardest I think. JMO.


Me - BW
Him - WH
HER - Married OW who will never go away
DDay #1 2/15/11
DDay #2 5/10/11
WH on the fence until 7/1/11
Trying to stay together bearably
I will never be the same (and that's a bad thing)

Posts: 349 | Registered: May 2011
survivor_kh
Member
Member # 33738
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, October 28th (Friday)

I caught my husband in several EA'a and he insisted that it's not cheating. I was in the exact same situation. I poured over the phone records. Sometimes He would call one of his OW minutes after I left the house and talk for over an hour. He would text them all day long at work, but tell me that he was busy and would talk to me later. Recently I found out that he was simutlaneously having a PA with one of his coworkers and an EA with another. He won't admit to any of it.
I definitely know the pain you are feeling right now. Keep your head up.


Surviving is important, thriving is elegant- Maya Angelou

you is kind, you is smart, you is important


Posts: 297 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
neverbelieve
Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, October 28th (Friday)

I love when they say it isn't cheating. If there isn't anything wrong with it, why hide it?

Creating an emotional connection of a romantic nature with sexual undertones is cheating.

Mine would go out to walk the dogs after giving me a kiss and saying he loved me and call her. They talked for an average of an hour a day for the first month. That plus an average of 30 texts a day and all the FB chats. Its so sad to know they had that much energy to put into this fake relationship but no time to put into our relationships. It's heartbreaking to know they turned to another for emotional support and companionship.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
TooHurtToStay
New Member
Member # 33701
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, October 30th (Sunday)

MrsConsistency: Thanks for your reply.
Toohurttostay - that's why I don't believe in making ANY decision until the dust has settled.
I had my best friend tell me to wait until the dust settled but I was so sure, and especially when my WH was becoming increasingly angry with me, threatening to take my car, saying I was the one who wanted out and his anger just propelled me to file for divorce, originally I was going to just file for Legal separation but I felt like he wouldn't ever change, his anger has created problems in our marriage, nothing physical but still scared the hell out of me that he might snap one day.
Now he's finally calmed down, told me if the divorce is what I want he won't contest it but made it clear it wasn't what he wanted.
Yes I wish I would have waited til the dust settled, I didn't know what to do or what to expect and handled it out of hurt and anger.
I guess I could stop the divorce but I'm also waiting to see if he changes. We had other issues besides his EA, so I am going to just see what happens.
Thanks for your input.


BS-48
WS-45
D will be final in April 2012
1 teenage son

Posts: 5 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: California
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, October 30th (Sunday)

TooHurtToStay,

I left after FWH's EA too. The whole sordid story is in my profile. It was ugly. We had other issues as well. I didn't really want a D, but at the time I didn't feel like I had any other options since FWH was doing the "we were just friends" thing and lying about everything under the sun. Plus he was drinking and putting our son at risk with his behavior.

After we S, he started begging for another chance. I gave him a list of things he needed to do before I would even think about R. I really didn't expect him to do them, but he did. I was moving toward D this whole time. Once he started really showing me that he was working to fix himself, I went to a MC appointment with him. Eventually, we did move into R.

If you are not sure that you want to D, would you be open to letting him show you with his actions that he can do the work for R? It doesn't mean you have to stop the D. It just might help you resolve whatever mixed emotions you have.

EAs are so difficult because the lack of physical contact makes the "truth" slippery for the WS. FWH did linguistic gymnastics for months. In the end, it was that crap that made it so hard for us to R- even more so than the A itself.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
tequilashots58
New Member
Member # 30888
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, November 9th (Wednesday)

Wow...does this ever end without a divorce? It's hard to get past things when H works with the OW every day. She even has a nickname for him...which he claims "everybody" calls him by at work. Really? Never heard it from anyone myself, and we have done many things as a group. Funny how she is never at these group things with her "so-called" fiance. Seems she's not well liked at work. Hmmm?
My H just doesn't get it. The last thing happened about 7 weeks ago. His phone is sounding off with text messages from someone. He's outside, so I check his phone to see who is so desperately trying to reach him. Well, seems she's just answering his text that they are ok. On some lake and he gets a message there is EMS needed at the same lake. Gee...hundreds of people there, but he has to contact her just in case. Funny, his text to her is erased, yet she says "we are ok...thanks for asking". Then she sends pics of her kids swimming and fishing...aren't they wonderful. What's wrong with this picture?? This is the one who he had a lengthy lunch with...lied to me about...but they are just good friends. We talk and I ask why his text to her is erased. "I always erase text...so what?" We argue and his response is he did nothing wrong...he would have asked all others he works with the same thing if they had been there. (he must seriously think I'm a moron) In the conversation he gets defensive, angry...all the things the MC told him not to do...and finishes it with "I'm not gonna be questioned about every little thing I do. So, you do your thing and I'll do mine and let me know when you want to be a couple again". Hmmm? Defensive and trying to throw guilt my way. Not workin this time. Think I'm gonna ask him to move downstairs...nice basement room. Just cannot afford to seperate...in this economy, and with the market in the toilet, for now we are stuck with each other.
Unless someone has some miracle idea that can make him see what he's doing is destroying our marriage...I'm pretty much done.
HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT!!!!


D-Day 12/30/10
Trying to undertsand why.
EA's and lies...was it worth it?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Earth
Rhubarb
New Member
Member # 32916
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, November 16th (Wednesday)

I'm another member of the EA gang. 10 months since DDay and a year since the EA began and things are worse now than ever before.

She's in the fog and can't understand why she feels the way she does but she 'knows' she doesn't have enough feelings for me so therefore can't see any way for our marriage to survive.

On paper it looks bleak, she says she doesn't love me and is not sure she ever has. There's no desire and without the 'feelings' she can't see any point in staying together. She's in IC and has a couple of self help books so she's trying but she can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Last week we went out for dinner, it was a nice night and in bed I waited to see what she wanted to do. She seemed keen to kiss and we had a very passionate night (one of the best and ALL bar one have happened since DDay) but the next day I noticed she seemed a little distant and cold.

Later that night I asked her if there was anything on her mind and we started to talk and I mentioned about the night before. For me, it was so good that it gave me hope that we can work things out. She said she didn't want to have sex the night before but felt she ought to as it was the natural end to a nice meal out. I said that she seemed very into it and it was very tender and loving and she finished with what felt like a strong orgasm so there must be hope as there is clearly something that is still working between us. She then dropped the bomb and said that she didn't have an orgasm, she wanted it to end so just pretended to have one (and later admitted it wasn't the first time she had done this).

This was the last straw for me and after talking about it a bit more we went to sleep but I snuck out and slept in the spare room. I couldn't face her the next morning and we didn't kiss goodbye and then I moved all my stuff out of the bedroom and into the spare room.

I can't see how we can come back from this. I still believe that her past is the problem (virgin till 26, 1 previous boyfriend, unable or unwilling to discuss anything so we didn't argue, unwilling to let herself go and enjoy sex (sees oral as 'dirty') and the list goes on). It's only now that she has had an EA that she is finally confronting herself and through IC may be able to find some reason for the way she is. I could easily walk and she tells me I deserve better but I can still see the wonderful woman I married in her and I do not want to give up until there is absolutely nothing left to fight for but she finds it so hard to even try (has only had two IC sessions).

What I really want to know is, does anyone so deep in the fog ever come out of it? Has anyone ever been on the receiving end of "I don't think I have ever loved you and I have no feelings for you" and been able to turn it around? Can someone like my WS dig deep and find what she thinks isn't there?

I'm trying to do the 180 but I am also aware that if I don't fight to save this marriage, she will just let it die without even trying. I feel numb right now.


Don't take life too seriously as nobody gets out alive anyway.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Spain (Barcelona)
rejectedluv
Member
Member # 33495
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, November 16th (Wednesday)

Add me to the list as well. I believe that my MH's EA also turned into a PA, but he is not admitting. We are in MC and seems I am the only one trying...he keeps talking in circles/blaming everyone but himself and not admiting what he did. I am so sad and loney, angry and bitter, frustrated and exhausted. If he would just tell me and stop all the secretcy, we could focus on that and move on. Until then, we are spinning our wheels. Couple good songs....God Sent Me You, I get A Little Stronger, and The Man I Want to Be (A Good Man) have printed the lyrics out and gave the last first and last to WH and kept the middle one for me....and I do get a little stronger everyday...and maybe one day strong enough to say ??????


all is well

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2011
dorothy95
Member
Member # 33795
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, November 29th (Tuesday)

The more I read and experience about so called EA, the more I am coming to believe that they are not that dissimilar to plain old PA but the WS just can't bring themselves to admit it.

Mistakenly, they believe it is not a real affair without full sexual intercourse so they hide behind that defense. They indulge in everything but,so in reality it is a small technical difference.

My WS is claiming only an EA but every week brings more admittance of physical intimacy, they may not have had actually had sexual intercourse but they did everything but. Really? That helps? Who are you kidding? Not the BS, perhaps only themselves and their AP, I don't think they even believe it. It is just minimizing in it's most extreme form.

Worse, they gave their hearts and souls to another person, what warped mind convinces themselves that doesn't count as an affair? It damages more than the sex, if only they got that.

All they do is torture us to protect themselves. To be honest I am starting to believe this is the worst type of cheating because it is laden with excuses and justifications.

I am now taking the approach with my WS that I don't accept his ascertion that it was not a real affair because he didn't have actual intercourse. I am now treating it as if he did. Maybe he might one day find the strength to admit but for me and my personal integrity I am not accepting the BS any longer.


Me (BS)- 45
WS- 50
Three sons- 22, 19, 15
Together- 27 years Married- 15 years
Short PA- 5 years ago EA- for the last year.
D Day- 30th Aug 2011

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: UK
anonymous1978
Member
Member # 33133
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, November 30th (Wednesday)

even thought they were "just" EAs...it hurts so much...

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2011
MammaMia
Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, December 12th (Monday)

Count me in this "elite" group as well........

It will be 2 years in April that I found out and I am still angry at times. When I think that for a full year somehow conveniently he "forgot' to tell me about their meetings, their emails, the discussions on the phone ( the idiot would not even delete the calls from the caller ID) H hardly ever uses his cell so there are no texts to deal with. He started using his cell when I put my foot down and told him that he should tell her NEVER to call heir again blocking her number. When she could not longer call, then he started calling her...

He has not had contact in over a year even though he sees her once in a while through their mutual organization. I know the bitch personally and I had even invited her twice to spend New Year's and Easter with us since she has no family in town. Nice eh????

This was an EA that was vey close to becoming a PA. Had I not figured it out, it would not have been long. Even H told me once " who knows what would have happened in the summer had we not gone on an extended vacation" (double

)
To which I responded " we both know what would have happened in the summer."
In some way I thank my lucky stars i put a stop to it when I did.


I read all the posts from the very first ones to the very last one. I have one question: can anyone update us on your status?I wonder what happened to some of the older members..


And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
cindee
New Member
Member # 34183
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, December 14th (Wednesday)

Count me in too. I just found out 2 days before Thanksgiving. And I am getting the "I didn't do anything wrong" from him too. He said he told her NC on 11/28 & no calls or texts on his cell, but his data usage is 3x mine so I guess they're chatting online. Will updte as I know.


Me(51)-BS
Him (43)-WS
3 grown children (mine fr former mrg)
4 grandchildren
M- 25 yrs Feb. 2012
DDay 1-found out constant phone calls, texts and pics- 11/22/11 confronted same night
DDay 2- 3/25/12 found out false NC, H recommitted to NC
Hopin

Posts: 37 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Phoenix,AZ
MammaMia
Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, December 15th (Thursday)

cindee:

Sorry this is happening to you. You will hear a lot of lame excuses. Brace yourself. Remember to take care of yourself, no one else will do that for you.
Good luck.


And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
sickofthelies
Member
Member # 28566
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, December 15th (Thursday)

I discovered my H's EA with a old HS gf 1/2010. I am forever damaged, I will never be the same. He might as well have screwed her because being emotionally attached to another woman was worse!! Of course he doesn't have to live with the triggers or not being able to trust his spouse. That's my burden in this mess. I love him, I stayed, but this 'thing' is with me forever. I wish everyone health, happiness, and peace because well, that's the least we deserve.


BS-44 (me)
WS-45
Three amazing kids 22,20 & 16
D-day #1- EA with Bi-polar Ow Jan. 2010
D-day #2-inappropriate texts from very unattractive co-worker
Sept. 18th 2014
I'm married to a narcissistic, compartmentalizing asshat!!!!!

Posts: 281 | Registered: May 2010 | From: ohio
Hopefuldad
Member
Member # 34133
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, December 19th (Monday)

I recently learned of my wife's EA with an old HS boyfriend 2 states away. Not only do I have to suffer through this betrayal, she says she loves him and may not love me. We're trying to reconcile but I feel like I'm the only one in the boat. I'm hoping the fog clears, because I still love her.


Me: BH 44
Her: WW 46
Married: 23 years
D-Day: 10/9/11
2nd D-Day: 11/13/11
3 teenage sons
Separated, heading for divorce


Posts: 109 | Registered: Dec 2011
TeaLight
New Member
Member # 34586
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, January 19th (Thursday)

My ex husband had an EA with a co-worker. I found out through using keyloggers, looking at emails, phone records, chat sessions etc. We did the whole counselling thing, seemingly got things back on track, I fell pregnant with our first child - only to discover that he was having another EA with the same woman over again.

I eventually discovered that my ex is a passive aggressive personality type, and the affairs were symptomatic of much bigger issues. That was the end of it for me.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Jan 2012
numbandnauseous
Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, January 21st (Saturday)

Hopefuldad - have you been doing the 180 and focusing on yourself? Look in the Healing Library for lots of good advice from people who have been through the same thing you have.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
TwitterVictim
New Member
Member # 34626
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 24th (Tuesday)

I discovered my WS's EA with a Twitter "friend" in Canada when I overheard her Skypeing him 5 months ago. She was very ashamed and apologized and agreed to NC. Three months later I checked the AP's Twitter stream and saw she had hooked up with him again using a different username. She tried to blame me for the EA and said she should be able have intimate relationships with other men if she wanted since I didn't meet all of her many emotional needs. I was devastated by this double betrayal and decided to separate, but she cried and begged me to stay so I agreed to try if she would end the EA for good. We were already doing MC and she was doing IC with the same therapist, which I realize now was a conflict of interest by the therapist.
WS and the therapist tried to convince me that NC was not necessary since it was "only" an EA and the guy was in Canada and "not a threat to me". We tried setting "boundaries" like no flirting, showing me all her PM's, etc., but that only made it worse seeing all the time and intimacy she was giving him. I started seeing my own IC and telling two friends I was in incredible emotional and even physical pain (pounding heart, churning stomach, chronic insomnia). I Confronted WS and MC and insisted on NC, which WS resisted until last night, when she left the house to call OP and finally end the EA, returning at 4am this morning. I'm Still feeling shaken and battered. Thanks to this website and 2 dear friends I'm realizing I'm not crazy to feel devastated even though there was obviously no sex involved. Very grateful to you all. We're trying to reconcile but I'm having good days and bad days.
EA's are just as bad as PA's, maybe worse. My first wife had a PA and stayed with th AP, so it was a clean break. This is much worse and longer-lasting trying to R, she's in pain too and crying because she had to break up with the guy. We do love each other and are trying to be good to each other and repair the damage, but it's going to take a long time to get over the hurt and learn to trust her again...

[This message edited by TwitterVictim at 12:44 PM, January 25th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2012
luckless
Member
Member # 34427
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, January 27th (Friday)

My WH had EA with his ex girlfriend which turned to PA for a night. and all this just when we were in the process of getting married.
The first thing I told my WH was that I wish it was only PA. That would have been easier to cope with.

They had had a turbulent relationship about 10 years back. They had issues which they didnt bring on the table. She needed someone so she got married to a guy from another country and moved there. He was hurt and offended and cut her out of his life but she wanted to be friends and end the relationship cordially.

Me and my WH were dating(long distance) for 3 years and decided to get married. We had discussed our respective pasts with each other. Just before the wedding for 6 weeks I moved to my hometown to organize our wedding.

She had sent him a fishing email few months back. He replied. He even discussed with his best friend who advised him to not get into it n not reply to her. She visited country for two months. They reconnected. Her sister had tried to commit suicide and she was seeking his emotional support.

I called him once when he was on his way to a hill resort. I thought it was a bachelor party. I trusted him blindly. Later I came to know she had planned it and he went along. Thats where they had PA. Next morning they had tempers flaring over old issues, he felt guilty and she tried to justify it for him but he cut her short. They fought and she accused him of making her vulnerable and leaving her to get married. she said that was his way of getting revenge though all this while she came on to him. later she said she didnt mean it and said all that only in resentment. he comforted her(this is my imagination playing with what I know of him, he's very emotional and whenever he says or does anything that hurts someone he wants to make it up to him/her). They decided to end the affair and be 'friends'.

We got married and even after that he went to meet her twice at a coffee shop telling me he has to meet some friends who came for wedding n will be leaving town soon. I wondered y couldn't he take me along too. That when i checked his phone and read his messages. When he got back I confronted him. Was a painful process to get it out of him. He called her the next day for NC. She was agitated. Sent him another fishing email. He showed it to me. She had written it was ironical and unfortunate that I found out when they had ended their affair and decided that he wud concentrate on his marriage. She wanted them to be frinds and asked him to mail her and write about his feelings. She also asked him to help her sister and counsel her at a coffee shop when she's gone. N she wrote she was worried for him that he must be going thru a tuff time and if it helped she cud write to me.

he cried to me that he had made a mistake. But he insists he had ended it before our wedding. But I still consider it cheating. He went and met her just two days into our marriage. Whereas this time should have been for us. He should have been beside me helping me cope with the change of a new city, new home and new people around me. he told me she had gone thru a lot.

Her sis tried to commit suicide. She herself is going thru therapy as she has unresolved issues with her strict parents. Y couldn't he see MY problems. I lost my mom at 9, My dad abandoned me, I have lived with strict grandparents too. I could have coped up with PA but EA is harder.

On the day of our wedding while he was traveling to my city he had text-ed her' traveling. thinking of u. replaying conversations.', n 'are u ok?'. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. Dont want to look at my wedding pics. I feel our relationship was too weak for him to resist her fishing.

All this while , while he was in this EA he was very loving and caring to me. I didnt see any change of attitude. In hindsight it must have been his way of coping with guilt.

Here's wat i think of this EA. I will not consider it ended after our marriage till NC. U cannot be friends with someone u cannot meet along with ur wife. It bothers me he might have discussed our fights with her.
'Communicate to me. I really liked it that u reached out to me the other day. tell me how u feel'

she had written this in the email. I will hold it against him that he tried to fix her problems and never saw mine. took me for granted.


Me: BW, 33
He: WH, 34
OW: His ex who brokeup and got married to someone else 4 years back. Lives in another country. She visited India 6 weeks before our wedding and reconnected
DDay: 2 days into marriage
Working on R

Posts: 182 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: india
struggling3
Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, January 31st (Tuesday)

I am a newbie here. I found out about my WS's EA 6 months ago. The biggest problem I am having is there was no clue. We have had the best marriage for almost 30 years. The kind of marriage people comment on how good it is. We spend tons of time together by choice, have a great sex life and really have had NO problems what so ever in 30 years. He met the OW in the same building her works in. She spotted him and came up to him in the lobby, gave him her card and said...I would love to talk to you or have coffee..call me. And he did. Blow me away...would have bet a million dollars that would have never happened. They had daily contact...text, e-mail, meeting in the lobby for coffee etc. for 4 months. She asked if it could go further and he said no. She wanted to continue to talk to him because she said she liked talking to him...so he did. I know this is not the worst scenerio, as I have read alot of these situation and it could be worse. I am however really having a hard time with it. If I hadn't discovered it...I feel he would still be talking to her. They had some very long conversations on the phone...I found through phone records. He is very sorry...distraught at the thought of losing me and doing everything he can to help me. He really is a great guy but I honestly dont know if I could ever totally trust again. It took too much out of me to be betrayed that way. This is great to be able to tell my story. Thanks


Me - BS 56
H - WS 59/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 30, 27, 24
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 516 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, January 31st (Tuesday)

Struggling3: If you hadn't found out he would be doing more than just "still talking to her".

You're husband may be going into a midlife crisis. Read up on it and see if there are any signs.

I have been married for 39 years and my marriage has had numerous problems. The EA was the worst.

You might get more responses if you post in General or Just Found Out. This thread is does not get the attention it deserves.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I understand completely how devastating an EA can be.

Do you only have his word on this? No other evidence?


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
struggling3
Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, February 1st (Wednesday)

heart_in_a_blend:
I dont know if I am responding correctly to this post because it is a little confusing to me. In answer to your questions: I have asked him if he would still be talking to her and he has said he honestly doesn't know. I saw records of phone conversations and everything else I know if from what he has told me. There has been no hesitation to answer any question that I have had. I also have considered his age and the fact that someone paid attention to him and really found him attractive (he gets plenty of that from me by the way) I have done tons of research and we have also seen a MC. The MC feels it was truly isolated and that he was just careless and after seeing how upset WS was that we truly can work through this. I am slowly feeling better but I just can't totally let it go. Some days are OK but some days not so much. WS had been super supportive, remorseful, constantly checks in...gave me all passwords etc. I really want to live in the present and make it work. We are extremely connected right now. But there is that part of me that is afraid to go all in. I hope that gets better with time as everyone says it will. Thanks for your encouragement


Me - BS 56
H - WS 59/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 30, 27, 24
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 516 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
EnyaOdin
Member
Member # 30699
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, February 27th (Monday)

Sadly it looks like I belong here as well. If you want to know the first part of my story please read it in my profile. I just found out last week that I am pregnant and my WF had a double betrayal going on at the same time. I am now 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant and so stressed and scared. Here is what happened since last fall. WF and his ex, in October, had an emotional affair. I found this out in January. At the same time he was having another emotional affair with a woman he worked with. When I found out about his ex through his ex's mom he promised me he would try. And he seemed too. I had no idea about the second affiar going on. Then mid February I started to get pregnancy symptoms. We have had 5 miscarriages over the past2 years so I was worried and scared and stressed. He told me he suspected I could be pregnant and acted all happy. A few days later while I was making dinner he told me he was no longer in love with me. I was shocked. At first he said there was no one else but then admitted to having another affiar. He said he was in love with her. I demanded to talk to her. He called her and told me that if she didn't want to talk then I would not get the phone. But she did want to talk. And I quickly learned and so did she that he had lied to both of us. She told him it was over. She never wanted to see him agian. Within 24 hours he told me knew he was in love with me and was scared of his feelings. We found out for sure that I was pregnant the next day.

In January of 2011 he was diagnosed as being borderline personality disorder. We learned that basically the way he sees things is he tries to surround himself with people or events that will confirm to him that he is a bad person because that is how he sees himself. And that when he knows someone is healthy for him or someone truely loves him then he will do all he can to destroy that since it is too scary to handle the unknown. If not for the diagnoses I would be gone. But I also suffer from mental illness (post Tramatic Stress Disorder from a rape, Bipolar - low scale, agoraphobia and anxiety/panic disorder). If I expect him to accept me with my mentle health issues then I sould stand by him as he tries to over come his.

All on his own last week he quit the job he works at where he worked with the other woman. He then went out and bought a wedding ring to wear on his finger. All his choices. He says that this will remind him that he is taken and show other women that as well. He has also be talking more and listening more and has been b\very concerned about how I am feeling both physcially and mentally.

I don't know why I am posting other then I feel very alone right now, very stressed and very scared. I know I love him. As long as he wants to try then so do I. I know what it is like to be udge and deserted by people you trusted when they learn about your mental illness. I just don't know what else to do. I just feel lost and alone.



Me - 36 -BF
WF - 43
dd1- 04/10 PA, dd2- 06/10 EA, dd3- 07/10 PA, dd4- 09/10 EA, dd5- o5/11 EA, dd6- 01/12 EA, dd7- 02/12 EA & PA.
He is a Serial Cheater.
We are expecting soon.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Canada
MegM
Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, February 27th (Monday)

IF there is limited physical contact (sensual kissing etc) but not sexualised contact - is this where I belong - or is this a bit of a 'clinton' defence? would you think of the affair as physical if there is any physical element?


BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
fWS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"

Posts: 672 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
lost2012
Member
Member # 35325
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, April 13th (Friday)

I feel like an idiot too. The EA went on for 4 years. I suspect it was a PA but I doubt I'll ever know. My kids were present. They told me when he was on the phone
with her and when she came over (when I worked weekends). They trained for triathlons together and went away together at least 4 times.I didn't realize until i started going to couseling cuz I knew something was wrong. He filed for a separation almost immediately. Says maybe we can eventually work it out. But he is not remorseful- says I drove him to it. He says time will tell. We have a counseling apt together for the first time tomorrow. an apt he made. It should be interesting. I can't imagine all of this is my fault. But I still sometimes feel like it is. The worst thing is my kids saw all of it. Him and her would do things with her kids and our kids and then say "we can't do anything if the kids are there". Yet they talked on the phone about 5 times a week. She divorced her husband a few months ago. Interestingly, him and her have the same attorney.


Dday- March 1, 2012
M 17 years
EA? 4 years
2 boys ages 16 and 14
Divorced- 12/17/2012

Posts: 144 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
Stillblessed
New Member
Member # 35407
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, April 21st (Saturday)

My h has had 2 ea's and my question is will I ever trust completely again? I'm so tired of the triggers that set off memories. Is it has only been a few months since the last 1 but we are reconciling.


WW: Me 33
WH: 35
Married 11 years; Together 13
2 Kids
WH DDay #1 05/8/10 (EA started 4/10)
WH DDay #2 03/1/12 (EA almost PA started 8/10)
WH DDay #3 10/12? PA
WW DDay #1 11/12/12 PA

Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Oklahoma
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 26th (Thursday)

My W had 1 EA (says its an EA but I have my doubts) so I can't answer from experience but my feeling is that you will, one day, trust again. Maybe not for a while and certainly not if he has another A but I think you will trust again.

But "completely", i'm not so sure. I don't know if any of us can truthfully trust our WS's "completely" ever again. I believe we'd like to think we can but I don't think its possible. We need to find that place where we can be comfortable again in terms of degrees of trusting but it can no longer be a blind trust ... like virgins on a wedding night, we've lost that innocence.

The triggers will slowly become relatively pain-free. I still trigger even after almost 7 years post dday, but the triggers are only reminders now that shit happened in the past. IE; I was driving on the PA Turnpike over the weekend and went past the hotel where W and MOM met and eventually spent a couple of nights. 7 years, 6 years, 5 years ago when I would drive past it I would cringe ... the vivid thoughts of them together in there would make me vomit ... but when I drove by this weekend I didn't really think twice about it.

Godspeed on your R!!


Posts: 2085 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
MartlArts
Member
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 17th (Tuesday)

It may be harder in some ways to trust after an EA that it won't happen again because that slippery slope is so easy. They can chat, text, etc with family nearby, lines get blurred or crossed so quickly. Takes more thought planning and effort to go somewhere and undress.


excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Jul 2012
ag4tg
New Member
Member # 36163
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)

I am jus so angry! I don't know how to control my emotions ... D-day was June 20th( 3 days before my b'day) I found out about h ea by looking in is phone ... I have had a feeling for a while but blew it off as being paranoid and jealous.. I confronted him immediately ... Of course he went nuts and blamed me for everything! And the blame was stupid stuff like housework and such ... It didn't truly hit me till 2 days later and when it did omg

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Mississippi
ag4tg
New Member
Member # 36163
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)

I am jus so angry! I don't know how to control my emotions ... D-day was June 20th( 3 days before my b'day) I found out about h ea by looking in is phone ... I have had a feeling for a while but blew it off as being paranoid and jealous.. I confronted him immediately ... Of course he went nuts and blamed me for everything! And the blame was stupid stuff like housework and such ... It didn't truly hit me till 2 days later and when it did omg! It was a ton of bricks! So when I got home from work and was emotional he had the balls to tell me to "get over it, it's in the past now"
He's always angry with me won't talk about it.. And I am a freakin mess becuz of it! I have begged him for encouragement, reassurance,etc.. But I get nothing! But expects me to give him what he "wants" to "keep him" WTF!!! How is that even feasible!
Please help .. I'm at the end of my rope!!

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Mississippi
Jrazz
Moderator
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry, ag4tg. Many WS's who engaged in EA's only (though many turn out to be PA's as well...) tend to minimize what they did.

Dr. Shirley Glass's book, "Not Just Friends" does a good job of outlining an EA and explaining the emotional impact on the betrayed spouse.
I highly recommend the two of you getting into counseling, if possible.

You should NOT have to sell yourself to him at this point. It would be a good idea to look into practicing the 180...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

There are a lot more resources in the Healing Library in the yellow box to the upper left of this page. Please read through it and learn how to take care of yourself through this difficult emotional time.

A


I really fear acting without thought. -sisoon

Posts: 27256 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Ronky
New Member
Member # 36095
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, July 24th (Tuesday)

Its hard to believe that when you bring the subject up to find out all the details your told he only did it because he was lonely, Had no friends. Well what the heck was I??? I know its not the same as having a guy mate to talk to or have a beer with. But i would gladly do all the guy stuff too. Its been over a year since Last D-Day and i still dont trust. Like other things he says or does brings back memories. He says everything he said and did was only a way to keep them talking to him. So he would have someone to talk to. I guess I'm still waitiing for the day he does it again. But we signed a contract that if he does and is found out again i can just up and leave. He hates seeing me in tears knowing he has done this. But if your so lonely why not go out and meet people instead of going into chat rooms or texting strangers. He swears he has never met any of them and that he never could. Now he has met some really cool people even couples. Its hard when you move around alot with work. I keep saying to hm whats not going to stop him from doing it again if we move and he feels lonely again? All i get is a "I will never do it again". But he was caught 4 or 5 times. Its so many i have lost count. And he never thought of it as cheating, How could you not. Sometimes i wonder what things would have been like if the tables were turned and i would have been the one to have the EA. Would he have stayed or left me the first time it happened.

When will i ever trust?
When will i stop feeling like something is going on when there is nothing going on?
When will i let go and finally heal?

I have read the 180 and many other things from the healing library.
At the moment he is sick and keeps asking me to never leave him. I feel like im must be just a joke.

I just want this feeling to go away, to move on and maybe be happy.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: New Zealand
AnnikinSkywalker
New Member
Member # 35535
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, September 20th (Thursday)

I recently found out new information after the original D-Day that my fWBF had a few years back engaged in several EAs. This has hurt me more than the sexting and naked photo sharing ever could. With the cyber affairs, he simply lied and said he was single. But with the EAs, he complained about them to me. He told him he missed them, and how grateful he was to be able to have them to talk to. I've read emails exchanges of him whining about having to spend time with me, saying terrible things about me, even suggesting leaving me for them. I've never encountered anything so painful.


Me: BGF, 27
Him: fWBF, 27 (Tennis1234)
Together over 5.5 years
D-Day #1: April 1, 2012
D-Day #2: April 23, 2012
D-Day #3 (new info): May 9, 2012
TT until 7/13/12.
4-year-long obsession with cyber sex, sexting, webcamming, several EAs.

Posts: 15 | Registered: May 2012
Cally60
Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, September 30th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry for your pain and hurt, AnnikinSkywalker. I can totally relate.

My husband had an EA with a colleague that was conducted mostly on Skype and my printout of their chatlogs is hundreds of pages thick.

My husband spent a LOT of the time complaining about me. One of the hardest things for me was dealing with the sense of violation I felt, as I saw that every detail of my private home life had been shared with another person. Seeing the evidence of this worthless, immoral, self-centered woman actively encouraging my husband to trash my every action and make unfavorable comparisons between the two of us, just in order to feed her own ego devastated me at the time. I have still not come to terms with it and I am still upset, and often enraged, when I start to think about it.

Reading my husband's outpourings of love for another woman was incredibly painful. (Especially since he has never said anything of the sort to me.) I still cry sometimes, at the memory of it all.

One thing that I consoled myself with, however, was the thought that my husband spent a LOT of time talking about me! So even though he was heavily in the fog, and thought himself in love with OW, his focus was actually on his marriage and his wife. And OW was really just a channel for him to vent the misery he felt at the time and create some fantasy world that was perfect. It sounds as though your partner did something very similar.

I don't think that someone who had truly fallen for someone else would waste so much time talking about his other relationship, do you? So perhaps all your partner's complaining about you was a good sign.

My husband and I had one period of false reconciliation, but now I hope, and am almost ready to believe, that our reconciliation is for real.

As my counselor has pointed out many times, whatever he said at the time, he chose me. And, sicne her is a "former" it seems that your fWBF has done the same.

Even now, my husband is very reluctant to talk about his affair, and our marriage is by no means healed. On the bad days I still mentally go over the most hurtful things he said and wonder whether he regrets ever having married me. My husband does not want to talk about it all. From what I've read on SI and in Not 'Just Friends'
that's not good for the relationship. So if you and your partner can talk about his words and his actions, it would probably help.


One day recently, when we were talking in rather more depth than is usual for my husband, I did pluck up the courage to ask him why he had thought himself in love with OW. And he replied, apparently totally sincerely: "I was out of my mind." That gave me some comfort.

I am so sorry for your pain, AnnikinSkywalker. I hope that your partner will understand why his words have caused you so much pain, feel remorse, and work as hard as he needs to, in order to help you and your relationship heal from his betrayals. I wish you well.

{{AnnikinSkywalker}}


[This message edited by Cally60 at 3:47 PM, September 30th (Sunday)]