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User Topic: Understanding the 180
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Target  Posted: 11:53 AM, May 9th (Friday)

The 180 is often open to mis-interpretation. It is pretty easy to get lost in the details and lose sight of the underlying concept.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Fundamentally, it is all about personal empowerment and rebuilding your self esteem. It is not about manipulating your spouse and when this is not understood it interferes with the results. The goal of the 180 is to become the type of person that you want to be. Here's what I understand to be the fundamental basis for it:

1) Master your thoughts.

Ultimately, you determine what thoughts you give attention to and those thoughts will set into motion the dynamics that will affect you. If you tend to focus on the negative you increase the probability that you will become your own worst enemy. It is important to realise how your thoughts create your expectations of the future. By increasing your positive focus you will increase the chances of bringing in positive energy to your life. This does not mean that you’re being unrealistic or naive. It simply means that you are choosing to focus your thoughts and energy on success instead of failure and on the good parts of your life instead of the bad. You want to cultivate the thoughts that you want to have through positive affirmation.

2) Adjust your attitude.

Our attitudes determine our thoughts which translate into intentions which leads to actions. We can be very realistic about the challenges we face, but still form the inner resolve to focus on our belief that we can overcome obstacles and bounce back from adversity. To do so takes belief and patience with ourselves, sustained motivation and energy, accepting our personal responsibility, and willingness to perservere. If your attitude is peaceful and positive then you are in the best position to have the focus and energy available to find solutions. Grace under pressure displays your courage and fortitude even when you are fearful and anxious.

3) Practice acceptance.

Acceptance is something to do for yourself when you are ready to let go of the anger. When we can't accept the situation, we have less energy to spend on the present because we are holding on to bitterness about the past. Acceptance does not mean condoning what has been done or passively enduring mistreatment. It means that you are ready to move forward unencumbered by bitterness or anger.

4) Look for the lesson.

Experiences can lead us to new growth, understanding, and maturity. It is important for us to examine and redefine these experiences to be able to discover and access our hidden strengths and resources that we didn't know we have and learn about ourselves.

5) Continue to nurture yourself.

Make a commitment to continue to nurture yourself so that your energy and vitality will remain high. You are not being selfish to honour your needs, but are providing new growth and fresh perspective.

6) Examine your character.

As humans we all have strengths and weaknesses. It is important to be able to do an honest self appraisal so that we can be real about ourselves. We are all responsible for our character, qualities, and actions and for the effects that they have. As conscious beings, we are also able to acquire those qualities that we desire and it is up to us to use them beneficiently.

So there you have it. My personal understanding of the conceptual basis of the 180. The above represents a strategy to take with our lives, and the 180 list provides us with the tactics. Keep the strategy and end goal in mind at all times and alter the tactics as necessary.

------------------------------------

Self Care Tips:

1) Whatever you focus your mind on becomes real, eventually taking over your awareness. Therefore we make efforts to “change our mind”: from pain over to relaxation; from guilt and blame to self-acceptance and gentleness; from fear of the future to being in the present. Accept yourself – treasure your idiosyncrasies and foibles. Remind yourself of your strengths, gifts and your proven loyalty to yourself over the years, on a daily basis.

2) Simplify: during more stressful and low energy times, keep life simple, attending to say 5 or so activities per day.

3) Keep occupied as much as possible – make a schedule with exercise in it, stay in contact with friends, make new acquaintances / friends, list things you can do. Know that to begin anything is often better than to think. So keep busy while waiting for something to happen.

4) Now is the only time there is. Don’t spend too much time dwelling on the negatives of the past or the perceived problems in the future. Likely these perceptions re past and future are false or distorted. Come back to the present constantly.

5) Keep one focus, not 4 or 5. Do one activity at a time, and engage in it, enjoy it – rather than becoming anxious re everything you have to do. (Keep lists so you can let go of outstanding things).

6) Make sure of good sleep habits, diet, and exercise.

7) Forgive yourself daily and relax. If unfinished activities pile up, it is not that you are slow, lazy or stupid. You are likely expecting too much at that particular moment. Stick to 2 or 3 priorities – shelve the rest.

8) Make use of thought-stopping. Order negative thoughts to go away or put them aside.

9) Stop once per day and ask yourself “What do I need right now. What can I do for myself today to help me.”

10) Don’t be a victim. Do things for yourself to feel effective and in control. Don’t give in to self-pity.

11) Remember what has worked for you in the past. Likely beneath all the doubts, fears, recriminations, and self-criticism that are swirling around your head, you hear a few faint and muffled words of your own good advice telling you what is good for you. This counsel may be barely audible, but listen carefully to it. You already have everything you need to be happy, including the wisdom you have developed over your life so far.

------------------------------

How the 180 applies to your WS:

The 180 isn't supposed to be a manipulation tactic magically designed to win your WS back - and when it's used that way it doesn't work. It's designed to help you become strong enough to detach and begin building a life without them. If you truly let go of your WS and move on - then (and probably only then) they might actually appreciate what they've lost. If you make empty threats, set boundaries you have no intention of defending, and only "pretend" to move on - your WS will continue to assume you aren't going anywhere. And they'll be right.

Your WS is probably accustomed to them being your main focus. By changing how you usually behave or respond you will change the outcome as they have nothing to draw upon to sustain control over the situation they're creating. When you don't behave in the way they expect, you don't feed their vision of what should be happening. Eventually, they'll have no choice but to see that things aren't the way they thought. Once it's clear that their established and trusted patterns won't work they'll have to decide on a better way of dealing with the reality they are creating. It helps knock them into the real world and offers them them opportunity to clarify what they really want to do. It may not necessarily mean that they will commit to the marriage, but it still helps you regain confidence in yourself and the personal empowerment that you need to make it through whatever your future holds. The 180 is about regaining your control through the chaos, pain, and drama. This isn't a game, this is your life. If you do the 180 for the purposes it was intended, you can't lose no matter the outcome. Focus on what you can control - yourself, your own choices, your own well being, your own life.

[This message edited by SerJR at 11:24 AM, July 19th (Sunday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
hurtbuthealing
Member
Member # 19274
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, May 9th (Friday)

<bump>


Once you know, you can never go back...

Posts: 68 | Registered: Apr 2008
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 11th (Sunday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Paper Roses
Member
Member # 19336
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, May 12th (Monday)

Well Ser,
That is a lot different from the behavioral things I was attempting to do. It is easier for me to understand from this perspective.

I think many of the expectations, such as self assessment and introspection are not so easy to do at first. I do believe I have been and will do them now.

I guess, as you said, do what you can and leave the rest!

For me, focusing on the positive doe NOT work, as I had idealized my husband all along. I find that reminding myself of what would be percieved as neg, like, telling myself, do not trust a word he says, is helpful.

Yes, he is a great guy, he loves peole, helps people etc, but he seems to have a cold heart, for me. Why? I can only guess, because he denies. So staying aware is what is helpful.

Thanks for the explain!


Me-50-FBW-
He-45-FWh- sober 4 years

Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?


Posts: 623 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Los Angeles
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
lisaloo
Member
Member # 20082
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

Again...Big Thanks SerJR!!! I guess I am doing better than I thought with the 180, since I only have time to focus on getting back to me right now!

Now if I could only get rid of the lingering fantasy where I shoot the breast implants off of the OW, things would be just right...


Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
princessbride
Member
Member # 19972
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

Wonderful perspective, thank you SerJR!


Almost done!

Posts: 468 | Registered: Jun 2008
shyguy
Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

thank you!


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
Chin Up!
Member
Member # 20057
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

SerJR, I've quickly learned to seek out your posts. Thanks for your insight and giving spirit.


Me - BS(44)
Him - WS (43)
D-Day #1 - June 20, 2008
D-Day #2 - July 02, 2008
Status - Who the hell knows?

*********************************

Grace under pressure is not just a saying - it's my minute-by-minute goal.


Posts: 130 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic
bbee
Member
Member # 17840
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 3rd (Sunday)

bump


This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1


Posts: 6645 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SE US
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

bump


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Phill
Member
Member # 19490
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Great post, SerJR, but I respectfully disagree with the definition of Acceptance, and Im curious to hear what you think of my particular slant on this, as I find your posts very insightful, well thought out and articulate.

3) Practice acceptance.

Acceptance is something to do for yourself when you are ready to let go of the anger. When we can't accept the situation, we have less energy to spend on the present because we are holding on to bitterness about the past. Acceptance does not mean condoning what has been done or passively enduring mistreatment. It means that you are ready to move forward unencumbered by bitterness or anger.

To me, merely accepting a situation does not take a person out of anger, or resentment, or bitterness. It does not override potential obsessions relating to the event either.

Acceptance simply means that we acknowledge that the event actually happened, in all its aspects. This can be positive, IF concurrent with acceptance, we have real forgiveness.

Simply accepting a situation can still indicate that we may (or may not) be extremely bitter and resentful and obsessional about the event.
Example: If my brother stole money from my house, after aquiring evidence that he was the culprit, I may accept that the event did occur with him as the 'perp', while still being very angry that my own brother would engage in such a grievous deception of another family member. In solely accepting that situation, Im merely not in denial of its occurance, but still wrapped up in my own anger (judgement) of his actions.

When I FORGIVE the situation, I have made the decision to release myself from judging my brothers actions as negative, instead becoming mindful that we all have a reason for doing anything, and though his reasoning may be faulted and dysfunctional, I DO love my brother, and therefore I pass along my non-judgemental self along to him, thereby forgiving him, because his position in my life dictates that he is worthy of such consideration.

If I no longer entertain the idea of casting judgement against his actions, I no longer engage in the emotional energy necessary to carry out the sentence usually reserved for someone that would offend me in that way. At that point, I have forgiven him, and THEN I truly move forward, unencumbered by anger, bitterness, resentment, or thoughts of revenge, which only serve to keep me in the offense.

IMO, to forgive, we MUST accept, but the two sentiments are linked only if we forgive... we cant forgive without acceptance, but we can accept without forgivness.

I welcome others opinions regarding this theory of acceptance/forgiveness.

Peace and strength to all.

[This message edited by Phill at 2:55 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 139 | Registered: May 2008 | From: East Coast
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Hey Phill,

It's a fairly common topic that comes up here - Forgiveness vs. Acceptance. The reason for that is that they mean different things to different people.

To some forgiveness involves absolving the offender of the offense and releasing them from any obligation and blame - essentially seeing that person as if the offense had never occurred. It involves the offender asking to be forgiven and first demonstrating an awareness of how inconsiderate the act was and how much pain his or her spouse was made to suffer. It also involves the offender expressing some plan to assure the forgiver that steps have been taken to avoid the painful act in the future and that he or she is willing to make reasonable amends. Some see this as a transaction between two people.

This is where the definition of judgement comes in. The phrase "passing judgement" implies condemnation or approval of a person's choices and actions and holds us in the past. However, it is vital to "use our judgement" or objective reasoning to protect ourselves in the future from enduring mistreatment. Clearly, in the case of an unremorseful wayward spouse continuing to mistreat you to apply the above definition of forgiveness would a serious lapse in judgement.

So... in this case one works towards acceptance (in the sense that I used in the original post). This occurs when one recognises that the situation exists, realises that elements of it cannot be changed, but most importantly makes an effort to move on from there (which some don't include in their definition of acceptance). It implies that one may still use their judgement and learns from the past, but is not letting those negative emotions rule them by living in the past and is focusing on the future instead.

So, in answer to your question, it depends on how one defines those words for themselves. Neither one is more valid then the other, but the important point is the willingness to not be ruled by the past, even though we may have learned from it.

Fundamentally, I think this issue boils down to control. Whenever one is hurt, it is always from a lack of control in some aspect. When one realises that one cannot control the choices of others or the circumstances they will face, and only control their own personal choices and how they react to those circumstances, it fosters a positive, constructive, and realistic sense of personal empowerment and responsibility that allows one to move forward.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Phill
Member
Member # 19490
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

However, it is vital to "use our judgement" or objective reasoning to protect ourselves in the future from enduring mistreatment.

So... in this case one works towards acceptance (in the sense that I used in the original post). This occurs when one recognises that the situation exists, realises that elements of it cannot be changed, but most importantly makes an effort to move on from there (which some don't include in their definition of acceptance). It implies that one may still use their judgement and learns from the past, but is not letting those negative emotions rule them by living in the past and is focusing on the future instead.

"the important point is the willingness to not be ruled by the past, even though we may have learned from it".

Hey, SerJR...

Brilliant assessments, with which I wholeheartedly agree.


Posts: 139 | Registered: May 2008 | From: East Coast
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 9th (Saturday)

bump


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5951 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
tmcm
Member
Member # 8758
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, August 9th (Saturday)

The problem is getting the BS to implement it right after D-day because of his/her emotional wounds being so raw.


XBH: Me
XWW: First Wife

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2005
dmb364041
Member
Member # 19710
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

Thank you. This was what I was doing when we first were S and then I started the behavoirs. To me, this was much more effective, not for him but for me. I have only been 180 for less than a week and that seems to be working now. First, I had to 180 your way before I could do the behaviors. It is a process.


Me (36) BW
Him FWH (37)
Status in R

DD 4, DD 2yr
D-Day 4-7-08
"Celebrate we will...cause life is short, but sweet for certain." DJM

Posts: 258 | Registered: May 2008
oldtimer97
Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)

bump


FWIW, because of brain damage, I write in storyteller form, so hardly any short posts from me & bad eyesight gives me a 50% edit rate..Apologies in advance!

Posts: 3235 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
AFguy
Member
Member # 19822
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 15th (Friday)

bump


BS Me 36
WS Her 35 Now XW!
Together 16yrs Married 8
No kids thank God, just great dogs.
D-Day 6/25/08 8:06pm.D 7/18/08
I'm way too damn good for her. She will really, really regret this one day.
People should come with warning lables.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Alabama
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, August 16th (Saturday)

Bump


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5951 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
feeling_hurt
Member
Member # 20726
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

Thank you for bumping this tonight. It did help reading it. I still have conflicts in myself - such as my other 180 posts tonight will show -- but I think I get the underlying concept. Putting it into practice is something totally different for me... But I'm trying.

Thanks.


Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Canada
bbee
Member
Member # 17840
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, September 10th (Wednesday)

bump


This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1


Posts: 6645 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SE US
UnbearablySadd
Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, October 1st (Wednesday)

Such a fabulous understanding of the 180 - thank you for explaining it!

I clearly misunderstood it before - and couldn't do it: seemed cold and uncaring and yes, maipulative.

Can you explain more about the part in the typical 180 about not asking where they are, etc?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
tractorgirl
Member
Member # 21226
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, October 12th (Sunday)

Thanks serjr for recommending this post to me. I think focusing on myself instead of what he did will help. What specific things did some of you folks out there do to 180? I want to build myself back up. For so long I focused on him, the kids, the house, I lost myself somewhat. I probably became a bit boring, but now that I have the time and willingness to be "selfish" I've lost my self confidence.


BS=me, late 30's
FWH=him, early 40's
Married 15 years
OW=19 yrs old
2 boys: 12 & 9, wonderful!!
Reconciling

Posts: 1368 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: nebraska
Amberly744
Member
Member # 20943
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, October 26th (Sunday)

bump


Humble by history, sadden by memorials, grateful to friends.

Posts: 2588 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: California
HeavyE
Member
Member # 19333
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, October 27th (Monday)

Bump!


You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Me Tarzan
Her Jane

Reconciled
D-Day 4/14/08


Posts: 9561 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Birthplace of America's Music
Amberly744
Member
Member # 20943
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, November 13th (Thursday)

bump


Humble by history, sadden by memorials, grateful to friends.

Posts: 2588 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: California
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, November 19th (Wednesday)

Bump


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5951 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
soldieron
Member
Member # 21466
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, November 20th (Thursday)

serJR i want you to know that i really count on your insight for understanding the 180. i read at least some part of this thread everyday. especially your interpretation of the 180.

c'mon...drop some science on me!


when there's nothing left to burn
you have to set yourself on fire

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: pacific northwest
hurtingstudent
Member
Member # 17432
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, November 23rd (Sunday)

Bump for our newest members.


If epilepsy has touched your life, or for more information visit:

for support & info: www.epilepsy.com
for info & research: www.epilepsyfoundation.com
to track seizures: www.trackseizures.com


Posts: 4507 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: indiana
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, December 31st (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 11399 | Registered: Mar 2008
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, January 1st (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 11399 | Registered: Mar 2008
gettingthrutoday
Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, January 3rd (Saturday)

bump


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, January 8th (Thursday)

***bump***

Posts: 11399 | Registered: Mar 2008
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, January 8th (Thursday)

gentle bump !


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20322 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, January 10th (Saturday)


Posts: 11399 | Registered: Mar 2008
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, January 17th (Saturday)


Posts: 11399 | Registered: Mar 2008
caribou
Member
Member # 21852
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, January 22nd (Thursday)

bumpity bump


Me- BS 40 yrs
D-Day 29 Sept 08

"When dealing with a cake-eater you close the bakery" - Catwoman


Posts: 481 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Melbourne, Australia
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, January 28th (Wednesday)


Posts: 11399 | Registered: Mar 2008
betterintime
Member
Member # 22152
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, February 7th (Saturday)

Thanks SerJR! Great Post, especially for all the new members............

for everyone, have you found any specific 180 behaviors that have helped you?

thanks again everybody


Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2008
betterdaysahead
Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, February 19th (Thursday)

bump


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
conflictedheart
Member
Member # 22901
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, February 19th (Thursday)

Thanks for bumping this.


-was lulled into a false reconcile

BW, Me 34
WH, 33
Married 13 years, together 19 years
2 children


Posts: 112 | Registered: Feb 2009
betterdaysahead
Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, February 20th (Friday)

bumped for IKN

ETA sorry INK

[This message edited by betterdaysahead at 9:44 AM, February 20th (Friday)]


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
FastForward
Member
Member # 22073
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, February 24th (Tuesday)


Posts: 207 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: So. FL.
sofresh
Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, February 24th (Tuesday)

if WS has KISA syndrome, won't being so confident push them away?


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
sofresh
Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, February 27th (Friday)

I hate the fact that the 180 acknowledges that the WS is till in your home...does it also assume they are still seeing the other person,...I mean how does one put up with this?!


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
TraumaMamma
New Member
Member # 23044
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, February 27th (Friday)

I have been kind of doing some of this already.

My WS is so self centered he wants to know why when he doesn't tell me something it is not ok and I when I pull away it is ok.

I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around this whole 180 thing. We still live together, his mistress so to speak are his adoring bodybuilder friends and band groupies, both of which he has tainted for me to enjoy because of flirting and affairs. (and I never really got into either of those venues anyways).

He maintains his innocence and "only had a ONS" and did not see his pages and pages of comments to women and flirtations as hurtful to me.

And he actually accused me of being dishonest and not going in early last nite to work for training. I called on speaker phone so he could hear I did indeed have to go in early.

So my 180 when it takes me away from him, is met with distrust.

I guess since he has been dishonest, it is hard to believe the other person could actually be doing what they say they are, right?

I realize the 180 is about me, and it is pissing off the WS as he believes it is about HIM.

[This message edited by TraumaMamma at 12:57 PM, February 27th (Friday)]


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Me BS 44
Him WH 39
Married 4 yrs
No bio children, just step's and 3 dogs!


Posts: 33 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Ohio
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, March 7th (Saturday)

Self care tips added in


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, March 8th (Sunday)

Continuing the Bump


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
sofresh
Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, March 9th (Monday)

My WS is so self centered he wants to know why when he doesn't tell me something it is not ok and I when I pull away it is ok.

I have the same problem, and I agree with your sentiments...
They assume we are being dishonest because that's all they know right now.
My WH actually said something about me going to church...like sure that's where you were.


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, March 19th (Thursday)

bumping for newbies


I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.


Posts: 5641 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Indiana
JoePike
Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, March 27th (Friday)

Bumping for newcomers


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
JoePike
Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, April 2nd (Thursday)

Bump for Allybam and other newcomers


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
gracelesslady
Member
Member # 21550
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, April 8th (Wednesday)

bump


BW (me) 54
WH (him) 50
MOW (her) 32
Married 13 years
D-Day 10/30/2008
Trying to R

I've seen this happen in other people's lives
And now it's happening in mine
-"That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore", The Smiths


Posts: 229 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Washington, DC
Shared Taxi
Member
Member # 22900
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, April 8th (Wednesday)

I wish I had read this early on. I completely misunderstood the 180 and avoided it.

Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, May 1st (Friday)

Bumping for newbies.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5622 | Registered: Aug 2007
kluelesskat
Member
Member # 23552
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, May 5th (Tuesday)

I think it is important to understand that this is for yourself first.


Me - BS
Him - WS
MOW - Ole fatty w 2 others on the side besides mine and her husband

Posts: 215 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada Eh
Charli
Member
Member # 15601
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, May 11th (Monday)

bump


me: 31, F, XBSO, getting on with my life!

Posts: 1573 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: The Netherlands
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 12th (Tuesday)

bump


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
gracelesslady
Member
Member # 21550
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 1st (Monday)

bumping for newbies


BW (me) 54
WH (him) 50
MOW (her) 32
Married 13 years
D-Day 10/30/2008
Trying to R

I've seen this happen in other people's lives
And now it's happening in mine
-"That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore", The Smiths


Posts: 229 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Washington, DC
Militarycasualty
Member
Member # 24193
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, June 1st (Monday)

Thanks for the post. It made things more clear for me.

I have been doing the 180 for a few days and it doesn't seem to be going so well. It is just pissing him off. WH is with his parents for the next week then back to Korea. I probably wont see him again until next summer when he picks our daughter up for visitation. By then the D will be long over.

I am finding it hard to be nice and civil when he is pushing the D and wants to be w/ OW who is in a different country for the next 3 years. All through this, I still love him and want him to come home to us. He refuses to think about R because he is talking to her all the time and I know she is convincing him how awful I am and how he is better off without me.

It is also hard to take things slowly since as a recent grad, I need to apply for my license, work on my resume, get a job, sell our house, find a new place to live, enroll my daughter in Kindergarden, and find her before and after care so I can work.

I am just depressed and overwhelmed and not sure where to start. I make lists but end up not really accomplishing much. I found a counselor for my daughter finally because she is pretty messed up by all of this. One thing done off the list a million more to go!


Me-BW 31
Him-WS 31
really wishing that this will work

Posts: 185 | Registered: May 2009
gracelesslady
Member
Member # 21550
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, June 1st (Monday)

(((MC)))

I need to apply for my license, work on my resume, get a job, sell our house, find a new place to live, enroll my daughter in Kindergarden, and find her before and after care so I can work.

As much as you can, focus on these things and getting them done. I know it takes an enormous amount of effort, but getting these things checked off your list will go a long way toward making you feel better, and that will help you to heal. That said, there have been many days for me where I feel like I have been pushing a rock uphill, s I really do know how hard it can be, and sometimes, you just have to fake it 'til you make it.

It is great that you are making lists. Try to make a little more progress every day, and when you do make sure you celebrate that and pat yourself on the back.

Have you found an IC for you?


BW (me) 54
WH (him) 50
MOW (her) 32
Married 13 years
D-Day 10/30/2008
Trying to R

I've seen this happen in other people's lives
And now it's happening in mine
-"That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore", The Smiths


Posts: 229 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Washington, DC
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 23rd (Thursday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
taintedzodiac
Member
Member # 24726
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, July 23rd (Thursday)

I bookmarked and read this post every night. It's extremely inspirational and drilling it into my head has helped thus far. Thanks!

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: PA
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, August 4th (Tuesday)

bump to page one


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
gracelesslady
Member
Member # 21550
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 9th (Sunday)

bump


BW (me) 54
WH (him) 50
MOW (her) 32
Married 13 years
D-Day 10/30/2008
Trying to R

I've seen this happen in other people's lives
And now it's happening in mine
-"That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore", The Smiths


Posts: 229 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Washington, DC
jewel123
Member
Member # 22863
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, August 11th (Tuesday)

bump


BS me 44
H 46 (paulie)
married 25 years (hs sweethearts)
dday 8-08
DS19
DS23
New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth. -Thomas Hardy
Reconciled! :)

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: MO
HeavyE
Member
Member # 19333
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)

Bump


You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Me Tarzan
Her Jane

Reconciled
D-Day 4/14/08


Posts: 9561 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Birthplace of America's Music
Scanda
Member
Member # 25387
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)

Bless you for the bump. This is food for my soul.


54 BW
53 WH
Married 24 years
Together 25
DDay July 28, 2008
no kids
WH moved Aug 10, 2009

Posts: 54 | Registered: Sep 2009
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, September 5th (Saturday)

bump for the "rookies"!

Thanks SerJr.


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, September 6th (Sunday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
gracelesslady
Member
Member # 21550
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)

bumping for newbies


BW (me) 54
WH (him) 50
MOW (her) 32
Married 13 years
D-Day 10/30/2008
Trying to R

I've seen this happen in other people's lives
And now it's happening in mine
-"That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore", The Smiths


Posts: 229 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Washington, DC
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, September 19th (Saturday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
ams02
Member
Member # 25400
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, September 19th (Saturday)

Thanks for this....I wish I had seen it right after D-Day as I was/have been doing it completely wrong.

Telling him I love him, still doing everything for him (I am just so used to it by now), even having sex.

And it's weird, because now that I have had some time to process everything, now I regret having sex with him again so soon because that is probably part of the reason why he thinks everything is OK again.


BW (Me):28
WH (Him): 30
Married 8 years
3 boys (12, 6 and 2)
DDay 7/27/2009
MOW#1 - 2007
MOW#2 - 2009
MOW#3 - 2009
MOW were former friends
"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to put its pants back on"

Posts: 158 | Registered: Sep 2009
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, September 20th (Sunday)

bump


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, October 7th (Wednesday)

Seeing a few questions raised about the 180 by some newer members


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
quedagh
Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, November 2nd (Monday)

bump


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
JustKeepSwimmig
Member
Member # 19269
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, November 4th (Wednesday)

bump


Mr. JKS - EA/PA
DDay - April 2008

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Canada
Finesse026
Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, November 4th (Wednesday)

I agree with you Ams.....I was so blinded by trying to fix things that I was feeding him cake! H even told me that he knew that I wouldn't leave him!!! Ugh! I told him he better rethink that statement! I don't need H. Since then, 180 baby!!

I don't know if it's helping him, but I don't care. It's helping me an that's the point. I feel stronger each day. Sure I still ge down, but I know I am no out :)

thank you for bumpin this fir the newbies like me!!


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
Ms.Martha
Member
Member # 23951
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, November 5th (Thursday)

Just reminding myself. I feel pretty low now. I say I want him to be gone, but deep down I want him. And so, I just curl up into a ball. Tomorrow I am starting the 180 all over again. I need to take care of me.

Bump for newer persons in this pain.


Posts: 172 | Registered: May 2009
namvari
New Member
Member # 26047
Sad  Posted: 12:38 PM, November 5th (Thursday)

Thanks for bumping this. I am particularly depressed tonight .. she's still feeding him stuff that's she's pulling off my computer (I had to lock the comp again). I can't bear to stand the thought that while she's being all open and truthful to him, she insists on living a lie with me!

And to find out yesterday that my grandmother who brought me up is now warded in the hospital just made it too much to handle.

Bumping!


BH
D-day: 29 October 2009, 11.48pm

BS (35) / WS (36)
Married: 9 years, together for 12
2 children (2 & 5)

Still afraid and struggling with guilt ...


Posts: 19 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southeast Asia
Will Not Be Brok
Member
Member # 21553
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, November 6th (Friday)

((namvari)) The 180 is a great way to help yourself out of the pit we have all found ourselves in from time to time. It WILL get better. Believe that!


Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings while the dawn is still dark.

Posts: 539 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Catskills, New York
lyndee
Member
Member # 22802
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, November 15th (Sunday)

Bumping for JustL.


Me (BS)
Him (WS)
Reconciling

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2009
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, November 24th (Tuesday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
lookslikeaduck
Member
Member # 12103
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, November 26th (Thursday)


BS oct 2009 ..... never make someone your priority if they only make you a option

Posts: 374 | Registered: Sep 2006
Illinoisgirl
Member
Member # 25686
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, November 29th (Sunday)

I totally misunderstood the 180. It seemed like playing mind games to me. A few other replies to this post mention how they didn't "get" the 180 either and now (with this explanation) wish they had tried it sooner. Me too.

This post really explains it well. IMHO, it should be part of The Healing Library.


Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
Reconciling?
D-Day 9-27-09
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt


Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2009
seeking peace
Member
Member # 6693
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, November 30th (Monday)

Ditto that about putting this in the Healing Library. The piece that is currently there is a good start, but needs further explanation that the 180 is for the BS, NOT to manipulate the WS.

Thanks!


Me - BW 49 Him - SA 49
DS 15, DD 13
FIRST Dday: 10/27/04 4 LTAs & more...
Tried to reconcile for six years until...
LAST Dday: 6/10/10
Filed for D: 8/24/10 Divorce final: 6/2013

Posts: 419 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: California
KInUSA
Member
Member # 19503
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, December 1st (Tuesday)

this makes so much more sense to me and I agree - this should be in the Healing Library......


DDay 4 November 2009
DDay #2 14 December 2010


Posts: 499 | Registered: May 2008 | From: far far from home
lookslikeaduck
Member
Member # 12103
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, December 3rd (Thursday)

bumping


BS oct 2009 ..... never make someone your priority if they only make you a option

Posts: 374 | Registered: Sep 2006
tearsofjade
Member
Member # 25778
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, December 5th (Saturday)

bump


FBW(me)48
Divorced and really happy!
The best revenge is a life lived well!

Posts: 653 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: michigan
StrongHandle
Member
Member # 26477
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, December 13th (Sunday)

I was having one of those off days that many of us are familiar with. This post reminded me what I am planning to get out of this situation. I am going to use this experience to find out more about myself, make some of the changes I have been waiting too long to make, and take care of myself again.

Oh, and I am also going to get in the best shape of my life durin the next six months and buy a kickass electric guitar I have been missing the last few years.

Why? Because I fucking want to. :)


Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2009
Mobilejoe
Member
Member # 26438
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, December 14th (Monday)

I am finding that I am doing most of the 180 but not all of it. I have adapted it to how I am as a person and my situation.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Maryland
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, December 14th (Monday)

bump.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
slowlymending
Member
Member # 26454
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, December 14th (Monday)

bump for newbies


BW-me

Slowlymending....

Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke


Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2009
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, December 14th (Monday)

This has saved many member's sanity. gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20322 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
gracelesslady
Member
Member # 21550
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, December 15th (Tuesday)

Bumping again ...


BW (me) 54
WH (him) 50
MOW (her) 32
Married 13 years
D-Day 10/30/2008
Trying to R

I've seen this happen in other people's lives
And now it's happening in mine
-"That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore", The Smiths


Posts: 229 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Washington, DC
JVS3
Member
Member # 20124
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, December 16th (Wednesday)

Bump


Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. - Robert Fulghum

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.


Posts: 409 | Registered: Jul 2008
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, December 16th (Wednesday)

bump


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
wolfxsol
Member
Member # 26295
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, December 16th (Wednesday)

bump


BS...staying that way.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Tulsa
cass
Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, December 17th (Thursday)

bump for Newbies


DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!


Posts: 4960 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
slowlymending
Member
Member # 26454
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, December 18th (Friday)

Bump again


BW-me

Slowlymending....

Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke


Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2009
JoePike
Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, December 18th (Friday)

bumping Ser's fantastic post for all newcomers. Please read and take the advice of someone much more eloquent than I am.


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
cass
Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, December 20th (Sunday)

bump


DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!


Posts: 4960 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
slowlymending
Member
Member # 26454
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, December 29th (Tuesday)

Bump for newbies


BW-me

Slowlymending....

Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke


Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2009
Balancing Act
Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, December 30th (Wednesday)

bumping


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
Phoenix_Reborn13
New Member
Member # 26996
Default  Posted: 3:22 AM, January 1st (Friday)

Just wanted to say thanks all for the support. If it wasnt for this site, and my family, and friends, I would be lost. Oh and bumpity bump bump

BH: 34(Me)
WS: 27(Her)
OM: 20 immature kid

D Day: 11/28/2009

WS hasn't contacted me AT ALL in almost a month. Guess shes doing JUST FINE.

[This message edited by Phoenix_Reborn13 at 3:23 AM, January 1st (Friday)]


BS: 34 (Me)
WS: 27 (Her)
OM: 20 immature little kid

D-Day: 11/28/2009

WS hasnt contacted me in a month since separation. Looks like she is doing JUST FINE!


Posts: 1 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Meridian, MS.
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, January 2nd (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
slowlymending
Member
Member # 26454
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, January 4th (Monday)

bump for newbies and lurkers


BW-me

Slowlymending....

Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke


Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2009
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
What?  Posted: 12:39 AM, January 4th (Monday)

Thnx SerJr ...

I hear you loud and clear although I do forget and the emotions get the best of me at times and then it is like being on a log ride ...

Woosh and I have no control ... and I can't see the drop off till it's to late to stop it ...

Ya know does that make sense ???

like I am floating around doing just fine nice easy river ... then a light at the end of the tunnel and before I know it I feel out of control, and all I can do is hold on till the bottom ...

get back up and float around some more just waiting on the surprise impending drop off ???

When does that stop ??? when do I gain control and can steer the stupid log away from the drop off ???

I know you are wise and smart the way you are because of your own pain ... and you have such amazing insightful advice ... it all really makes sense when I read it, and seems so easy and feaseable for me to do ...

but then I get out of control again and I can'y member what you wrote ...

when did you get your control back ... just to control your emotions and decide yes I can be emotional now or no now is not the time maybe later, and just shelve it till the time is right for you ...

I could go on ....

Thnx for all your help and keep doing what your doing we all so appreciate you


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18725 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, January 4th (Monday)

bump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, January 5th (Tuesday)


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20322 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, January 5th (Tuesday)


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20322 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
devtutor
Member
Member # 21134
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, January 5th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 2327 | Registered: Oct 2008
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, January 7th (Thursday)

bump.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, January 8th (Friday)

newbies bump


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18725 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Illinoisgirl
Member
Member # 25686
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, January 9th (Saturday)

I really need to start reading this every day.


Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
Reconciling?
D-Day 9-27-09
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt


Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2009
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, January 9th (Saturday)

bump


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18725 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, January 11th (Monday)

a bump for new members!


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
2Gullible
Member
Member # 26354
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, January 14th (Thursday)

Bumping this for newer members and giving some of these articles a re-read.

I am loosing my strength.

I feel alone.

But I will keep trying to 180.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2009
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 18th (Monday)

bumpety bump

Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
realgood2u
Member
Member # 20940
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, January 22nd (Friday)

bump


http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/187640237.html

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2008
devtutor
Member
Member # 21134
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, January 24th (Sunday)


Posts: 2327 | Registered: Oct 2008
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, January 24th (Sunday)

bump


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18725 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
wolfxsol
Member
Member # 26295
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, February 2nd (Tuesday)

bump


BS...staying that way.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Tulsa
JustKeepSwimmig
Member
Member # 19269
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, February 6th (Saturday)

bump


Mr. JKS - EA/PA
DDay - April 2008

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Canada
Drk.8
Member
Member # 26950
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, February 18th (Thursday)

Bump for oceangoddess


Me-BS-38, him-WH-40
Married 13+ yrs, together 17 yrs
Perfect 10 yr-old son
DD#1-6/5/09, DD#2-7/8/09, DD#3-12/18/09
Divorcing

Posts: 104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: US
HeCheats
Member
Member # 27278
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, February 22nd (Monday)

Bump


A lying, cheating husband that leaves is God's way of saving a good woman from a complete asshole while she still has time to live her life!!! - A wise SIer

Me-BW 43
Him-WZ (that's Zombie)51
DD23, DS16
Dday 1 10/28/09
Dday 2 11/5/09


Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, February 23rd (Tuesday)

bump for Blackenedheart

Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
selkiescot
Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, February 23rd (Tuesday)

you are my hero! That was amazing!


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1374 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, March 8th (Monday)

bumping this excellent thread up for the newbies.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7779 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, March 13th (Saturday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Drk.8
Member
Member # 26950
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, March 18th (Thursday)


Bumpity for newbies

This is one of the best posts on this site. Very insightful and empowering.


Me-BS-38, him-WH-40
Married 13+ yrs, together 17 yrs
Perfect 10 yr-old son
DD#1-6/5/09, DD#2-7/8/09, DD#3-12/18/09
Divorcing

Posts: 104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: US
ThriveNotSurvive
Member
Member # 22093
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, March 23rd (Tuesday)

bump


Strength, Courage, and Wisdom, it was inside of me all along - India Arie

Some women are Angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick if we have to...cuz we're flexible that way.


Posts: 1582 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Las Vegas
whiteflower99
Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, March 24th (Wednesday)

Bump


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1691 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
iwasblind
Member
Member # 12698
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, March 28th (Sunday)

bumping


Married: 18 years (together for 28)
Kids: Three awesome kids
DDay: 11/03/06 (LTA with my "best friend")

"Forgive, sounds good. Forget, I'm not sure I could. They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting..."


Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Connecticut
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, April 1st (Thursday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
JustKeepSwimmig
Member
Member # 19269
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, April 11th (Sunday)

bump


Mr. JKS - EA/PA
DDay - April 2008

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Canada
socold
Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, April 15th (Thursday)

Bump


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
slowlymending
Member
Member # 26454
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, April 17th (Saturday)

bump again for newbies


BW-me

Slowlymending....

Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke


Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2009
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, April 25th (Sunday)

bump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, April 26th (Monday)

Bump for justice


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
tammyjean100
Member
Member # 28159
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, April 28th (Wednesday)

Bump.

Hugs to all.


You can't overcome anything without facing it. Betty Ford

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Capital District, New York
AnnieOakley
Member
Member # 13332
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, April 29th (Thursday)

bump...


Me= BS, 45
Him=WH, 46
M=18+,T=21+
dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a recent work function), 11/09 VAR. Done.
"If you are going through hell, keep going." - Sir Winston Churchill

Posts: 1254 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: West
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, May 4th (Tuesday)

Bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
Lost_Hope
Member
Member # 24170
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, May 4th (Tuesday)

This is so well written .. had to bump!! Trying to implement the 180 myself and this really helps me understand!!


“Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins.”

***********************************
Me: BS - 36
Him: WS - 40
Married: 8 years...Together 12 yrs
Kid: SD - 14
Recent DDay: Dec 2, 2011 and again Oct 10, 2012


Posts: 169 | Registered: May 2009
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, May 6th (Thursday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
tammyjean100
Member
Member # 28159
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, May 10th (Monday)

Bump


You can't overcome anything without facing it. Betty Ford

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Capital District, New York
darkdaysrdone
Member
Member # 26947
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, May 14th (Friday)

Thank you very much SerJR for the post.


Lesson learned... Never try to change a man. Accept the fact that they are all aliens.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: missouri
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, May 18th (Tuesday)

I just started the 180. A bit shaky, and I am a work in progress, but have begun to find a tiny bit of peace in this craziness. Self-respect is a biggie. If we don't respect ourselves, nobody else will.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
JustKeepSwimmig
Member
Member # 19269
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, May 22nd (Saturday)

bump


Mr. JKS - EA/PA
DDay - April 2008

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Canada
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, May 26th (Wednesday)

bump


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
DCJ7002
New Member
Member # 8155
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 28th (Friday)

Thank you so much for this!!


Broken up, torn apart deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry behind these Hazel eyes.

D-Day 9/7/05
EA, Tons of internet CRAP
D-Day #2 5/3/10
PA, & online EA with 2 OW.
Me- BS, 42, married 19 yrs.
Him- WS, 44
3 kids,


Posts: 23 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Colorado
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 30th (Sunday)

Bump!


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Lotsa
Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)

Bump

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
ThriveNotSurvive
Member
Member # 22093
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, June 6th (Sunday)

Bump


Strength, Courage, and Wisdom, it was inside of me all along - India Arie

Some women are Angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick if we have to...cuz we're flexible that way.


Posts: 1582 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Las Vegas
TheCuckoldsNest
Member
Member # 28671
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, June 23rd (Wednesday)

This is such a good thread, I do not want to see it lost. Thank you SerJr for posting it.


Me - 40
BS - 40
D-Day - Multiple
A's - Multiple
I've been married for almost 20 years, her, maybe about 6.

Posts: 274 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Western NY
justbreathe
Member
Member # 13765
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, June 26th (Saturday)


In times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.
George Orwell


Posts: 432 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Swimming towards inner peace
realgood2u
Member
Member # 20940
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 29th (Tuesday)

bump


http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/187640237.html

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2008
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)

Bump..another great one!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, July 9th (Friday)

Bumped


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5018 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
punky
Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, July 18th (Sunday)

Bumping for newly found out.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
JustKeepSwimmig
Member
Member # 19269
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, July 22nd (Thursday)

bump


Mr. JKS - EA/PA
DDay - April 2008

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Canada
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, July 25th (Sunday)

bump for curly.

Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, August 7th (Saturday)

Bumping for the new folks.

Take care of you!


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, August 7th (Saturday)

bump


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18725 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, August 31st (Tuesday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
knutz
Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, September 2nd (Thursday)

bump


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 202 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
gonogo1
Member
Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, September 2nd (Thursday)

180 is for you to detach not to get back together , it gives prespective to your unique situation.In the mean time you doing 180 will be noticed by your spouse, yes it will ,you are doing something he/she doesn't expect, you are not begging , hounding etc, they wonder what's going on. Late you may want to stop 180 and make contact to see if they get it , if they don't keep it up it is for you to gain strength , and prespective.

Posts: 1617 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
numb&dying
Member
Member # 29254
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, September 2nd (Thursday)

Outstanding! Thanks for putting the 180 that way. I grasp the purpose more now. Thank you!


US- together since '94 (17 years)
ME- BS, 40
HIM- WS twice, 44 (& once at 40)
D-Day- 7/24/10 (EA/PA) & 12/27/06 (PA)
Status: Trying to R & get my life back, one day at time.

Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: can't seem to get of this damn stupid ride!
Crazymama
Member
Member # 24957
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, September 7th (Tuesday)

This has helped me save my sanity! It was one of the best things I could've read!


Me BS 57 DH WS 59 several ea's and search for long lost love
Married 38 yrs
D Day 07/08/09

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2009
played-a-fool
Member
Member # 29476
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)

My D-Day is around 7 mos ago. I have been a total emotional mess and have acted completely opposite of the man I truly am. I'm tired of being the man I have been acting like lately. Is it too late to start my 180? Have I waited too long for it to be effective? I wonder if I start 180 now will it undo any progress we have made in our R? Our R has been slow and she has been unable to show true remorse until recently. She says its because the A happened 19 yrs ago and she has already dealt with it. She swears that there was only 1 physical encounter with him and that there have been no others and I'm supposed to just believe that and act like nothing happened. Inside I feel like starting the 180 because I'm really tired of being this pathetic man. My gut is telling me to move out for a while. I moved her out at first and ended up begging like an impotent ass. She rejected me at first but later came back although it seemed like charity. I hate that. She is now showing true remorse but I think I need to go back and give myself some measure of control over my life. Right now she is holding all the cards. I have never been in this position before and that's why I'm having doubts. I've always been very assertive and in control of myself. I want that back. What do you guys think?

[This message edited by played-a-fool at 11:04 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]


Me - BH
Her - FWW
Trying to R

Trust is difficult to earn but so very easy to lose. It's a gift that should be treasured and guarded.


Posts: 635 | Registered: Aug 2010
cuckhold
Member
Member # 25015
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, September 8th (Wednesday)

Played, Don't think it's too late. As you probably know the 180 empowers you! It also shows your spouse you not co-dependant. Did you mention polygraph? I've read that most WSs cave when faced with that. Some even hold out until they hit the parking lot of the examiners office. I'm seriously considering it if my FWW keeps on with the "I don't know, I can't remember" bullshit!

Posts: 716 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: michigan
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, September 9th (Thursday)

bumped for the newbies...


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, September 14th (Tuesday)

Bumpity bump


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 8th (Friday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
cass
Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, October 23rd (Saturday)

bumping for newbies


DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!


Posts: 4960 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 24th (Sunday)

bump....


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
urwyfe
Member
Member # 29856
Frustrated  Posted: 11:55 AM, October 24th (Sunday)

encouraging words...


BW 47/WH 47 Married 7+ years
together 16 1/2 years
DD#1 9/08, Reconciled 9/09
"There's a stranger in my house" the stranger no longer exists! Thank God!

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: NY
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, October 24th (Sunday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, October 25th (Monday)

bumping to page one...


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
takilasunrise
Member
Member # 29786
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, October 26th (Tuesday)

Thanks for bumping this up so I could find it! I found the author's site (that came up with the technique) and she explains that it's for yourself first....it doesn't mean it will get your spouse back, but it will put you in a better place to handle whatever may come along.....yes, a "side affect" could be to get your WS's attention again, but it won't save your marriage per se. You BOTH have to want to "fix it". The list in the FAQ's is just specific things to do or not to do as it pertains to your WS. You have to be flexible to modify it as needed, too...such as the part that says do not say I love you. When my WH says he loves me first, I will still say it back, but I don't initiate it now. It is hard to apply the technique at times, especially when you're feeling pretty low or mad, but as explained, it's for you, NOT to get your WS back.


BW - Me, 49 years old
WH - Him, 51 years old)
D-Day July 2010 (several D-days to follow)
Divorced February 7, 2012

Denial isn't the way to forgiveness. The Karma for screwing over a good girl is the Bitch you end up with.


Posts: 978 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: WI
september7
Member
Member # 29929
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, October 26th (Tuesday)

Thanks this is so well written !! Trying to implement the 180 myself and this really helps me understand!!

Thanks for taking the time to write this.


D-Day September 7, 2010
NC ended December 22, 2010 and I kicked him OUT! WH dumps OW July 2, 2011 and wants to R! Now he has been living with me in not the best circumstances, but we're paying for medical school for one kid and college the other.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Florida
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, October 28th (Thursday)

I did this 180....and am glad i did. Thanks SerJR.

bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
WHATDOIDONEXT
Member
Member # 29937
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, October 31st (Sunday)

bump for newbies


DDay Sept 12th 2010.
BW 47.
FWH 46 (Penitent95).
Married 5 years
2 DS's 1 & 3 years old.
2 SDD 17 & 19 years old.

As a phoenix rises from the ashes I to shall rise from embers that were once my old life.I shall rise anew. Stronger, wiser.


Posts: 195 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: UK
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday)

newbie bump


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18725 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, November 7th (Sunday)

Bumparooni


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Llanden
Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, November 7th (Sunday)

"11) Remember what has worked for you in the past. Likely beneath all the doubts, fears, recriminations, and self-criticism that are swirling around your head, you hear a few faint and muffled words of your own good advice telling you what is good for you. This counsel may be barely audible, but listen carefully to it. You already have everything you need to be happy, including the wisdom you have developed over your life so far. "

This part rings so true to me. If I had listened to that little inner voice that was trying to scream at me but all I was hearing was a whisper .. I would be in such a better place. Thank you for clarifying the 180 ... it's hard to see through the "fog" when, especially being a BS, the pain hurts so much.


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
WHATDOIDONEXT
Member
Member # 29937
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, November 10th (Wednesday)

bump for notsohopeful

[This message edited by WHATDOIDONEXT at 11:50 AM, November 10th (Wednesday)]


DDay Sept 12th 2010.
BW 47.
FWH 46 (Penitent95).
Married 5 years
2 DS's 1 & 3 years old.
2 SDD 17 & 19 years old.

As a phoenix rises from the ashes I to shall rise from embers that were once my old life.I shall rise anew. Stronger, wiser.


Posts: 195 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: UK
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, November 11th (Thursday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Apr 2009
bigpicture3236
Member
Member # 27861
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, November 14th (Sunday)

bump


If you love something and hurt it dearly, then chose not to fix it...you never deserved it in the first place.

Posts: 3603 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Michigan
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, November 15th (Monday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, November 17th (Wednesday)

BUMP


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Nov 2010
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, November 23rd (Tuesday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, November 25th (Thursday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
socold
Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, December 4th (Saturday)

b


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
socold
Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, December 7th (Tuesday)

u


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
socold
Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, December 10th (Friday)

m


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, December 12th (Sunday)

p


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3441 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
socold
Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, December 21st (Tuesday)

bump


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
cass
Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, December 29th (Wednesday)

bumping


DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!


Posts: 4960 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, December 29th (Wednesday)

Need to bump again


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20322 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, January 1st (Saturday)

This is so important !


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20322 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, January 2nd (Sunday)

bump


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
FeelUnloved
Member
Member # 29404
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, January 2nd (Sunday)

Bump

Posts: 198 | Registered: Aug 2010
FeelUnloved
Member
Member # 29404
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, January 3rd (Monday)

BUMP

Posts: 198 | Registered: Aug 2010
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, January 4th (Tuesday)

Time to bump.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
momma3times
Member
Member # 30092
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, January 5th (Wednesday)

Bump it!!


Me: BS (37 yrs.)
Him: FWS (39 yrs.) EA via emails and phone calls that lasted 2-3 months.
Married 13 yrs, together for 19 yrs.
2 DDs (ages 9 and 5), 1 DS (3)
DDay 1/13/2010 (while I was 9 months pregnant!). Confronted him on 3/21/11

Posts: 76 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Southern part of Missouri
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, January 9th (Sunday)

bump

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Aug 2010
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, January 10th (Monday)

Bump


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3441 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lostlassie
Member
Member # 30689
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, January 10th (Monday)

I cried when I read this. You said what I needed to hear. Now I need the strength to carry it out.

Thank you.


Unfortunately, he is not your mate right now. he has been replaced by a pod person.
~~taken from a post by Isadora~~

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Lost and looking for land
Gypsie
Member
Member # 30560
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, January 11th (Tuesday)

This post helped me understand the 180 much better. I was going about it all wrong. Not anymore. Thank you so much.


BW (Me) 38
WH 51
Married 10 years, together 11.5
No children (I have two from my first marriage)
D-Day 11/14/10 (exactly a month before my b-day)
D-Day 2 - 01/25/11
Filing for D in April

Posts: 350 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Memphis
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, January 19th (Wednesday)

bump


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 1990 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, January 20th (Thursday)

bumping


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, January 21st (Friday)

Bump for Iris0127 and other newbees.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Nov 2010
southsidecali
Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, January 21st (Friday)

I soo needed this today.. the 180 somewhat applies but what I need to work on is ACCEPTANCE..

Thanks!


Posts: 744 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
hurttothebone
Member
Member # 30767
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, January 22nd (Saturday)

Newbies need this. Gonna look for They affair down and bump it also.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, January 24th (Monday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
hurttothebone
Member
Member # 30767
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, January 24th (Monday)

bump

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, January 26th (Wednesday)

bump


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, January 27th (Thursday)

bump


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, January 29th (Saturday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 4:18 AM, January 31st (Monday)

bump


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, February 4th (Friday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, February 4th (Friday)

bump


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, February 6th (Sunday)

Bump for the new folks!

You will survive!


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, February 6th (Sunday)

bump back to page 1...


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, February 7th (Monday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, February 7th (Monday)

This is probably the most important thing I have read here - do it and be consistent. I don't yet know if it will have any impact on WS but it is really helping me. I feel so much stronger for this.

Essential reading for this forum


Divorced

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jan 2011
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, February 9th (Wednesday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, February 12th (Saturday)

bumperstanding


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, February 14th (Monday)

bumparooni


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, February 17th (Thursday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, February 18th (Friday)

Some newbies need to read this.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20322 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, February 19th (Saturday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
TryingForgivenes
Member
Member # 29566
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, February 20th (Sunday)

bump for SurvivalMode


Finally respecting him again.I believe that time heals almost all, wish I could fast forward time.
"Hate the sin, Love the sinner" ~Gandhi
Me:31-BS & Him:25-fWS (Irish_guy)
Dday:3/12/10, tt: 4/4/10, 5/22/10
R'ing, & planning our future!

Posts: 870 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Northern California
Feb 8, 2011
Member
Member # 31137
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, February 21st (Monday)

bump


D-Day see username
and maybe March 11, 11
ME: 45 yr old BH
Her: 40 yr old WW
3 kids
married 11 years
Who is this woman in my house?!

Posts: 717 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: canada
lordmayhem
Member
Member # 30526
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, February 21st (Monday)

In this initial days following DDay, doing the 180 is extremely difficult because you're still shocked and in survival mode. And most of us do the opposite of the 180 in the beginning.


BH-me, 45
fWW-her, 50
Married 21 yrs
2 kids (21, 12)
D-Day: 06/11/10

In R at this time


Posts: 532 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: USA
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, February 24th (Thursday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
bumbed
Member
Member # 31024
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, February 26th (Saturday)

Not there yet but better and better


I rather suspect like all the worst things in life, making sense of it will not happen.


25 year relationship D day 1/28/11
The we door is closed but the ME doors are opening


Posts: 471 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: a better place in Michiagn
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, February 28th (Monday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Nov 2010
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, March 3rd (Thursday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, March 5th (Saturday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
hurts_alot
New Member
Member # 31375
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, March 6th (Sunday)

Thanks for posting some more information about the 180 and how to use it. This is another post I would really like to see the mods sticky, because it would've helped me a lot this week as I've learned about the affair and trying to figure out how to take care of myself.

I have a few questions:

1. As mentioned in the first post, the reason for the 180 is it allows you to detach. However, my wife has said the reason our marriage hasn't been working is because I haven't been emotionally connected with her throughout our 12 years of marriage. If I do the 180, won't that make that divide even greater? Is there a way to detach, while staying emotionally connected?

2. I bought the book Divorce Busters, which is what the FAQ says these principles came from. Is that the case? Just wasn't sure how much these principles are geared towards helping the WS, versus general marriage problems? Maybe they are same?

3. Are there any of the 180 principles that people have found to be more effective than others? I only have so much energy and it would be nice to focus on the ones that can make the biggest difference first.

[This message edited by hurts_alot at 8:34 AM, March 6th (Sunday)]


Me - BS - 36
Her - WW - 34
Married 12 yrs.
3 kids - 9, 6, and 3
Dday - 2/26/2011
Divorcing/Separated

Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2011
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, March 6th (Sunday)

Hurtalot,

1) What your WW is doing by saying that you were unemotionally unavailable is basically what we call "blameshifting". She is unwilling to take responsibility for her affair - thus she is justifying it to herself that she never had a choice because you were an unemotional chump. You'll find that this is the single most common excuse that WW's will use to rationalise their behaviour. If she were to admit that she had an affair "just because she wanted to", then her story isn't quite as sympathetic. Better in her mind to make you the villain. Most often than not, it is actually the betrayed spouse that is more invested in the marriage. Infidelity is never justified - it is a destructive choice that she alone owns.

What you are doing with the 180 is making a statement - "I will not put up with your bullshit". You need to make it clear to her that your preference is to work on the marriage, but that you need x, y, and z to be able to do that. If she is unwilling to do her part, then you will re-evaluate your desire to stay in the relationship. Remember: there's only one thing worse than being in a marriage with infidelity - and that's staying in one. You can't control or manipulate or plead with her. You leave her free to make her choices and you put your focus on yours. She can either throw her life down the toilet with her choices, or she can get it together and make the necessary steps towards self improvement.

2) As mentioned, the fundamental theme of the 180 is to focus on your needs. The "bullet list" is essentially just a toolkit for you to use. They are geared towards making a stronger, more capable YOU, which will serve you better whether you divorce or reconcile. You need to be at your best regardless of the path you walk - it's all about respecting yourself and your needs.

3) Definitely - as mentioned it's a toolkit. You take what works for you with your situation. Once you understand the whole underlying theme it becomes more natural.

Now, of course if she is working on reconciling with you (and I mean an honest attempt - none of this "maybe I'll try but I still want to see the OM" crap) you will want to adjust your strategy. You will however, still take that underlying theme of self respect along with you, but the tactical tools will change as you gear them more towards constructive communication.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
hurts_alot
New Member
Member # 31375
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, March 6th (Sunday)

Thanks for the reply, this does help a lot. I'm currently reading "Co-Dependent No More" and it sounds like there are similar principles here. We have to stop trying to fix our spouse's problems and support them in solving their own problems.

I'm still struggling with the concept of detaching, while being available to support and work on the marriage. Is the 180 needed more while the WS is in the Fog and then you soften some of the 180 principles when both of you are truly committed to the R?


Me - BS - 36
Her - WW - 34
Married 12 yrs.
3 kids - 9, 6, and 3
Dday - 2/26/2011
Divorcing/Separated

Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2011
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, March 6th (Sunday)

You can do both... by making yourself (and therefore the marriage) attractive and the affair a bad place to be. Essentially, you can reach out with one hand and assert with the other:

Reach out with one hand:
-Make your home, yourself, and marriage inviting/attractive.
-Show self improvement in areas that could use work.
-Communicate calmly and act self assured.
-Offer forgiveness and understanding (but not blindly).
-Avoid any harmful communication, bad habits, or behaviours.

Assert with the other:
-Don't accept the blame for their choice.
-Expose the affair.
-Consult a lawyer for informational purposes.
-Protect the assets of the marriage.
-Do not shield them from the consequences of their actions.
-Lay out the boundaries and consequences.

Don't get so caught up in the details of the 180 list... take the understanding as a whole and apply it as it best fits to your situation... work with what your WS gives you to work with.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, March 15th (Tuesday)

Bump for SadCat22


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Nov 2010
bent44
Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, March 15th (Tuesday)

Thank you for this post!


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 674 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, March 19th (Saturday)

volley


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, March 28th (Monday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
plzwakeme
Member
Member # 30645
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, March 28th (Monday)

I have a question about the 180. I've read it in the past and have tried to employ many of its messages. I need to revisit it more seriously now because of TT and feeling like I am actually at another DDay. No more lies and being totally honest with me were part of the dealbreakers for R. So now I am left wondering if I even want to try to continue to R. Is this where people employ a "hard 180"? And what is that exactly?

I'm sorry if it's already listed somewhere in the thread, my brain isn't processing much very well right now.

Thank you!


Me BW 37, Him STBXH 38
Married 13 years, hoping to NOT make it to 14
DDay 1 10/21/10
4 MOW & many ONS attempts
Heading towards S/D NOT SOON ENOUGH!
"What the caterpillar calls the end, a butterfly calls the beginning." ~ Lao Tzu

Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2011
areyouserious
Member
Member # 31642
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, March 28th (Monday)

Please read my post. Any advice for me. I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal. Is this considered the 180?

Posts: 91 | Registered: Mar 2011
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, March 30th (Wednesday)

Bump for newbies



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Apr 2009
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, April 2nd (Saturday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, April 5th (Tuesday)

hickory dickory bump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
brokengrandma52
Member
Member # 31705
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, April 5th (Tuesday)

Thank you for your observations about the 180. Looking at it the way you explain it is way easier for me to understand!!


Me BS beautiful wonderful woman!!
Him FWS ex jackass
We are recovered.....almost!
Dday July 2010
Married 49 years...50 years Aug 2013

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Fl part of the year
socold
Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, April 8th (Friday)

bump


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, April 16th (Saturday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, April 18th (Monday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Nov 2010
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 19th (Tuesday)

bump


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, April 26th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
browniegirl
Member
Member # 31985
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, April 27th (Wednesday)

I'm trying to understand why everyone is writing bump in their posts on this thread? Does this actually send a message on to someone who needs to read it/ Just curious as I am new here. Also I've seen the abbreviation TT and I don't know what that means as it isn't on the abbreviation page. So hard to read posts with abbreviations, but I'm new here and just learning. JavaScript:AddSmily('%20%20')


Browniegirl

BW- Me 41
WH- 42 (Striker9)
Years together- 18
Years married- 14
D-Day 2-11-11 plus TT thru 5-11
1 11 YO DS
Trying to Reconcile


Posts: 280 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hurting
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, April 29th (Friday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, May 7th (Saturday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 14th (Saturday)

bump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, May 25th (Wednesday)

Bump


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, May 28th (Saturday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, June 6th (Monday)

bump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, June 13th (Monday)

bump


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 15th (Wednesday)

bump


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, June 15th (Wednesday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
SuspiciousWife
Member
Member # 18108
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, June 17th (Friday)

Bumping


Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

Posts: 557 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: East Coast
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, June 23rd (Thursday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 27th (Monday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Nov 2010
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, June 27th (Monday)

The 180 is something i still struggle to fully understand. Posting here so i can keep referring to it. Your posts are always so insightful and invaluable to me. Thanks.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Jun 2011
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 30th (Thursday)

bump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
september7
Member
Member # 29929
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, July 1st (Friday)

Bump!

I read this often! Keeps me on the 'right' track to heal my soul.


D-Day September 7, 2010
NC ended December 22, 2010 and I kicked him OUT! WH dumps OW July 2, 2011 and wants to R! Now he has been living with me in not the best circumstances, but we're paying for medical school for one kid and college the other.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Florida
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, July 2nd (Saturday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, July 10th (Sunday)

bump


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 1990 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, July 11th (Monday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
bumbed
Member
Member # 31024
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, July 17th (Sunday)

Bump as well all need to really do this for us


I rather suspect like all the worst things in life, making sense of it will not happen.


25 year relationship D day 1/28/11
The we door is closed but the ME doors are opening


Posts: 471 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: a better place in Michiagn
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, July 18th (Monday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
this_sucks
New Member
Member # 32842
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)

WTF is bump?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2011
socold
Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)

We are bumping the thread to the top of the listing by putting a response on it. These are threads that have "stood the test of time" and have been deemed worthy of getting bumped back up to the top so that new people have a better chance of seeing them.


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, July 21st (Thursday)


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, July 23rd (Saturday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, July 27th (Wednesday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
bumbed
Member
Member # 31024
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, July 29th (Friday)

bump


I rather suspect like all the worst things in life, making sense of it will not happen.


25 year relationship D day 1/28/11
The we door is closed but the ME doors are opening


Posts: 471 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: a better place in Michiagn
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, July 30th (Saturday)

bump


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
UnsettledOne
Member
Member # 32952
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, August 4th (Thursday)

bump


BH 60

Posts: 176 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Walking toward the light
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, August 5th (Friday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Nov 2010
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, August 9th (Tuesday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
pbej3
New Member
Member # 32400
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, August 9th (Tuesday)

I am not sure I am really understanding this. I thought I was doing the 180 but now I don't think I was. I haven't really been focusing on myself. I have been focusing on ignoring my WH. I ignore him unless there is something I can't ignore like talking about a home repair or something. I feel guilty when I plan something fun for myself. I desperately want to take a vacation and think I haven't made plans because I don't want to hurt his feelings and am not sure I will enjoy going by myself. I don't want to go with my WH but all my friends are married and wouldn't consider doing something without their spouse.
I have been feeling frustrated because it is clear he doesn't get it. He does absolutely nothing to reach out to me. He isn't mean, just acts uninterested. I think he is waiting for me to reach out to him - like I usually do. So- am I right to ignore? I can look more at myself, be more introspective but is there anything else? I think I need a new IC, mine isn't very helpful.


Me- BW 52
Him - WH 56
Married 28+ yrs
DD 5/17/11
2 kids- 24 & 26
Undecided about R

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Indiana
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, August 12th (Friday)

bump.

Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, August 13th (Saturday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, August 14th (Sunday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Nov 2010
fragilehwc
Member
Member # 32783
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 15th (Monday)


dday 7/10/2011
ME = BW 44yo
HER = WW 55YO
3 spoiled rotten dogs
I am a strong woman
if difficulties make you stronger this shit is going to make me unapproachable in a dark alley.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: carolina
Llanden
Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, August 15th (Monday)

Bump


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, August 24th (Wednesday)

For (((exhaustedmum)))


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Nov 2010
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, August 25th (Thursday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, September 7th (Wednesday)

bump


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, September 9th (Friday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Nov 2010
surviving101
Member
Member # 33181
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, September 9th (Friday)

Thank YOU!


"I don't want to spoil the rest of your movie... but at the end everything will be all right."

Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2011
bumbed
Member
Member # 31024
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, September 13th (Tuesday)

bump


I rather suspect like all the worst things in life, making sense of it will not happen.


25 year relationship D day 1/28/11
The we door is closed but the ME doors are opening


Posts: 471 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: a better place in Michiagn
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, September 19th (Monday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5018 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Will-I-Ever-Know
Member
Member # 32703
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, September 22nd (Thursday)

bump


Me BS:21
Him F?WH:23
OW:34!!??
DDay #1 June 2010
Full blown 6 month long PA: OW was his 2nd Girlfriend.
Many DDays & TT for the rest of this year!
In R, Married on June 25th, 2011.

WARNING: I am long-winded. Sorry in advance. :)


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jul 2011
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 23rd (Friday)

bump

Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, September 26th (Monday)

bump for Smedley


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2539 | Registered: May 2010
boontje
Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, September 26th (Monday)

Thank you for sharing this perspective of the 180. It was exactly what I needed to read today!


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 934 | Registered: Aug 2011
FacingReality
New Member
Member # 33437
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, September 27th (Tuesday)

bump
Is it possible to pin this to the top of the forum?

Posts: 22 | Registered: Sep 2011
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, September 28th (Wednesday)

adbat234


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Nov 2010
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, October 2nd (Sunday)

bump


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1428 | Registered: Nov 2010
shocked4
Member
Member # 33447
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, October 3rd (Monday)

Thank you, I read and reread this often.


D-Day August 17, 2011
M-23 years
4 children ages 10-23

Posts: 136 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Ohio
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, October 6th (Thursday)

bumping for a newbie


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5232 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
openedupmyeyes
Member
Member # 27871
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, October 7th (Friday)

bump


Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 760 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, October 12th (Wednesday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, October 15th (Saturday)

Bumping for the weekend


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 22nd (Saturday)


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, October 26th (Wednesday)

bump


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2538 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, October 31st (Monday)

bump!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, November 1st (Tuesday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, November 5th (Saturday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Nov 2010
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, November 11th (Friday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
MrsConsistency
Member
Member # 32065
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, November 12th (Saturday)

I don't think the 180 is for everyone. It's for people who care more about themselves than their M, those willing to walk away at that point if they don't get "the result".

If you're the overinvested partner then you won't be willing to leave. If you have a "higher agenda" to stay and fight to keep OW out of the kids lives then you won't risk detachment being his "proof you're over".

Detatchment and moving on and not iniating are all self fulfilling if the timing is wrong.


Me - BW
Him - WH
HER - Married OW who will never go away
DDay #1 2/15/11
DDay #2 5/10/11
WH on the fence until 7/1/11
Trying to stay together bearably
I will never be the same (and that's a bad thing)

Posts: 349 | Registered: May 2011
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, November 16th (Wednesday)

If you're not looking out for yourself, then who is?


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, November 22nd (Tuesday)

Bump


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5622 | Registered: Aug 2007
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, November 24th (Thursday)

bumping


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Lost and Betraye
Member
Member # 33988
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, November 30th (Wednesday)

for us newbies


Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft


Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CA
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, December 6th (Tuesday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
emptyheart
Member
Member # 18873
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, December 11th (Sunday)

bump for newbies


Me - BW, Him - WH
2 great kids that are my reason for living.
1st D-Day - March 28, 2008
False R for a year
2nd D-Day - April 11, 2009

Posts: 1128 | Registered: Mar 2008
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, December 11th (Sunday)

bump


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1428 | Registered: Nov 2010
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, December 16th (Friday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, December 17th (Saturday)


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Lost and Betraye
Member
Member # 33988
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, December 19th (Monday)

bump


Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft


Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CA
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, December 23rd (Friday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
cass
Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, December 28th (Wednesday)

bump for newbies


DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!


Posts: 4960 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, December 31st (Saturday)

bump

Happy New Year


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, January 9th (Monday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, January 13th (Friday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5018 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, January 15th (Sunday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, January 18th (Wednesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, January 23rd (Monday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, January 27th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, January 29th (Sunday)


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, February 6th (Monday)

bumping from page 4


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
WakingFromADream
Member
Member # 33934
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, February 15th (Wednesday)

bumpity-bump


Me(35) XWW(36) DS(7) DD 11/16/11 EA(PA?) M 11y D 9/3/13

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.


Posts: 1148 | Registered: Nov 2011
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, March 7th (Wednesday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
Mormegil
Member
Member # 34841
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, March 7th (Wednesday)

The original 180 was a section in a book by Michele Weiner-Davis. All it was was a technique where you try the opposite approach of what you have been doing, since your previous approach wasn't working. The context was trying to bring a marriage back from the brink of divorce.

I've seen the rest of the "180" ideas attributed to Michele as well, and they did come from her book, but they weren't part of the 180, they were just other ideas and techniques in other sections and chapters of her book.


Me: BH 38
DDay 10.18.2011
Divorced.
DD: 11 yrs old
Dating someone new now.

Posts: 52 | Registered: Feb 2012
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, March 8th (Thursday)

bump


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
blackdog
New Member
Member # 34924
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, March 9th (Friday)

I'm new and not exactly sure where to post this. Here goes: I started the 180 a few days ago. I also am realizing that I am most likely codependent. So I'm also kind of dealing with that. Dday was Dec 20, 2011 so it's fresh. I find out Tuesday (thanks to facebook) he had lied about the OW also attending a seminar he went to last month. He claims now that he never spoke with her, didn't expect her to be there and didn't even know she was there until the end when he saw her leaving. I asked him the morning of the seminar if he thought she'd be there and he said no...so maybe it was a lie of ommission but regardless, it still hurt. So I'm pretty much feeling like all of our progress has been wiped away. I checked emails, texts, etc found nothing. He says he didn't tell me because we'd had a "good" day that day and didn't want to trigger me by hearing her name or that she was there. Ok so I slipped on the 180 and had a meltdown. Crying over all of it. When he had to work late the following night I texted him that I was having a hard time believing he was at work. The next morning I started 180 again. Fast forward a few days.....it's like he's mad that I've turned the tables. He's mad that I want a few more days without his daughter being home, says he can't deal, he's sick of the roller coaster, doesn't ever know which person I'm going to be and can't stand being accused of things he's not doing. My first instinct was to apologize, give in and remind him that I love him. But I didn't. I'm still keeping my plans this weekend which don't include him. I'd love nothing more than for him to take me out but since he's not initiating it, I'm sure not bringing it up. So here are my questions. Am I pushing him away by doing this? Where is the anger coming from? Is he just trying to dump it on me? He's always telling me...I'm not blaming you for what happened!! But I feel like he's angry at my reactions to it. Should I stay the course? I'm looking out for me...which is new and scary but I feel almost selfish about it.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Feb 2012
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, March 10th (Saturday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
ImNellNow
Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, March 12th (Monday)

blackdog,
PM coming.
Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, March 22nd (Thursday)


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, March 24th (Saturday)

bump for newbies


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
keraka
New Member
Member # 35133
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 26th (Monday)

I just saw a post talking about the 180 boundaries. Where could I find this? She talked about a list of boundaries.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2012
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 27th (Tuesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, March 30th (Friday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 33855 | Registered: Mar 2011
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, April 8th (Sunday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, April 15th (Sunday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, April 20th (Friday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, April 25th (Wednesday)

bump


Married 26 years
BW: Me, 47
WH: 47
DDay#2: March 8th, 2012, with one of my good friends.
DDay#1: Oct. 20th 1992, 2 years post PA
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, April 27th (Friday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
naivegirl
Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, May 9th (Wednesday)

bump


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1739 | Registered: Apr 2007
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, May 10th (Thursday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, June 3rd (Sunday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5018 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 8th (Friday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)

Bump


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7779 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, June 19th (Tuesday)

bump.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9757 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, June 30th (Saturday)

Bump.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5622 | Registered: Aug 2007
artgirl
New Member
Member # 35945
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 2nd (Monday)

Loved this Thank You


One Day at a Time

BS Me 48
WH Him 43
OW Prostitutes
DD March 2012
R...????


Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2012
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 2nd (Monday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 8th (Sunday)

Bump


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24434 | Registered: Aug 2011
SuspiciousWife
Member
Member # 18108
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)

Bumping


Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

Posts: 557 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: East Coast
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, July 12th (Thursday)

Bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 23rd (Monday)

Bump


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
pendant
Member
Member # 32890
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, July 26th (Thursday)

bump


"Once forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete, meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences and used to create a new set of moral rules and a new interpretation of life's events."

Posts: 423 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: North Carolina
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, August 2nd (Thursday)


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16397 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 7th (Tuesday)

bump


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16397 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
bellagirl27
New Member
Member # 36303
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, August 7th (Tuesday)

THANK YOU


D-Day 7/19/12
Married just shy of 3 yrs by two months.
1 DD 11 months old on D-DAY
2 grown boys from previous marriage21,19 both living with us

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Delaware
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, August 27th (Monday)

bunp


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9757 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, August 31st (Friday)

bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, September 1st (Saturday)

Bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, September 1st (Saturday)

Bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, September 8th (Saturday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, September 9th (Sunday)

Bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
WakingFromADream
Member
Member # 33934
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, September 17th (Monday)

Bumpity-bump


Me(35) XWW(36) DS(7) DD 11/16/11 EA(PA?) M 11y D 9/3/13

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.


Posts: 1148 | Registered: Nov 2011
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 18th (Tuesday)

bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Steppinglightly
New Member
Member # 36432
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)

bump


For now - Someone caught stealing is rarely sorry because they stole, they are only sorry because they were caught.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Aug 2012
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, September 29th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 11399 | Registered: Mar 2008
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, October 7th (Sunday)

Bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, October 13th (Saturday)

weekend bump.

Posts: 11399 | Registered: Mar 2008
Teach8
Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, October 27th (Saturday)

Bump


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 491 | Registered: Aug 2012
Bubbleup
Member
Member # 36120
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, November 2nd (Friday)

Bump


Me: BS 50
Her: WS 45 NC since 10/29/12
D-Day 1 4-20-2012 D-Day 2 9-7-13
Kids 2: 10yrs, 5yrs
Married 18 years, Together 24 years
Blind to EA for years
EA became PA

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: NY
LastChanceLarry
Member
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, November 7th (Wednesday)

doing my share..

BUMP


D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.


Posts: 317 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, November 11th (Sunday)

bump!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, November 16th (Friday)

bump


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2549 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, November 16th (Friday)

bump


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2549 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)

bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
cass
Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, November 26th (Monday)

bump for newbies


DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!


Posts: 4960 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)

Bump!

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, December 21st (Friday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)

and bump again


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
mountainmomma
Member
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, January 6th (Sunday)

Bumpily bump


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, January 11th (Friday)

bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, January 17th (Thursday)


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 232 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, January 19th (Saturday)

BUMP!


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, January 20th (Sunday)

bump


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2549 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)

again bump


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2549 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)

Bump for Jewells


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, February 21st (Thursday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
exhausted lady
Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)

bumpity bump


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3168 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, March 9th (Saturday)

Bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, March 10th (Sunday)

bump


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 2:59 AM, March 15th (Friday)


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 232 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

bump


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)

Bump


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16397 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

bump


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5622 | Registered: Aug 2007
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 20th (Saturday)


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

I like the posts about acceptance and forgiveness. My thought is that acceptence is a term for moving out of denial. For me as a BS, for a long time I boated down the Denial River, so to speak, and would not accept the possiblilites that STBXH became the person he did.

I think the term acceptance is just a tool for us all to begin moving on. If we can't accept, we can become very stuck.

Forgiveness is a different term and different concept for me and one that will take a very, very long time. It's a goal for later in life.

Besides the physical side of sharing bodies while married which goes against my core being, the other part about forgiveness for me is that STBXH was fully aware of my core values and went completly against them and showed me tremenous dishonor.

He also dishonored our daughter and continues to do so and lying and deceiving kids is something I simply cannot fathom or understand enough even to process enough to move towards forgiveness. He continues to lie to our daughter but says he's a good father.

So many concepts of A's make forgiveness nearly impossible, even when the anger and denial finally ebb and flow completely away.

This post was much food for thought, though, and I work constantly on the 180 and NC daily.

Thanks, SerJr.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, April 28th (Sunday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Bumping up


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
WakingFromADream
Member
Member # 33934
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Bump


Me(35) XWW(36) DS(7) DD 11/16/11 EA(PA?) M 11y D 9/3/13

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.


Posts: 1148 | Registered: Nov 2011
BlindSighted2013
New Member
Member # 39423
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Bump again


D-Day 5/7/13 discovered his 12 year affair
BS - Me 50
WS - Hubby 51
Married (do I still call it that after this?) 33 yrs

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Boomp.

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Bump


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, June 24th (Monday)

bumpity-bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

buping for Anya


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3585 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

bumped again


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

Bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, July 19th (Friday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, July 29th (Monday)

bump for livebythesea


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, August 5th (Monday)

:)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, August 9th (Friday)


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
1ost0ne
Member
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, August 19th (Monday)

Bumping. Good advice on the purpose behind the 180. Remember, it's about you, not the WS.

Good Monday everyone!!!


“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 83 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, August 26th (Monday)

bumpo

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Fireflies
Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Bumped for onelove27


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, September 2nd (Monday)

BUMP for Newbies.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

bumperooni


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

bumperooni


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

bump

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

bumpity bump bump, bumpity, bump, bump


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Bumpity bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, September 16th (Monday)

Bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Bump for a new person


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I wish we can sticky this with a note that this is someone's opinion if you care to read.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
lostcovenants
Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Bump for mel


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 139 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
suposd2btheonly1
Member
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, September 27th (Friday)

love this!!


Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Apr 2009
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Bumping for maddmurph.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, October 14th (Monday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Apr 2009
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, October 18th (Friday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, October 25th (Friday)

bump for new folks


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, October 28th (Monday)

BUMP


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7797 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, November 4th (Monday)

bump


Me-BS-60-Can't tell you how painful it was to change this number!
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3278 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

Bump

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16397 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

bump


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2078 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, November 25th (Monday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7797 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, November 25th (Monday)

Fundamentally, it is all about personal empowerment and rebuilding your self esteem. It is not about manipulating your spouse and when this is not understood it interferes with the results. The goal of the 180 is to become the type of person that you want to be.

This is VERY important. While the outcome is often a WS that sees what they are giving up, that is NOT the goal. The goal is you becoming stronger, more self aware, and to regain some of the esteem that affairs rob us all of.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1690 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)

ba-da-bump


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, December 6th (Friday)

Back to page one for the weekend.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, December 14th (Saturday)


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16397 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, December 16th (Monday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, December 29th (Sunday)

bump


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16397 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, January 10th (Friday)

lets all do the bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7797 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

bump


I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.


Posts: 5641 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Indiana
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

bumping a bunch of these that had fallen off the front few pages.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, January 27th (Monday)

bump


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5622 | Registered: Aug 2007
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Bump


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1533 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7797 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

bump


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

bump


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, February 8th (Saturday)


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16397 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Bump.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

bump


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, February 21st (Friday)


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16397 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3708 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
castellana
New Member
Member # 42609
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

Thank you.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, March 8th (Saturday)

bump


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1779 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, March 13th (Thursday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, March 15th (Saturday)

Bump


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7797 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
bluelightshine
New Member
Member # 37539
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, March 21st (Friday)

Bump


BS(Me) 32
SAWH (Beaker) 35
Married 11 Years
Dday Oct 06 2012
Dday 2 February 19 2014
Confessed to getting hand jobs from
prostitutes in 2006 and while living with OW
PA/EA 1 year
In r
2 children under 10
Working on faith everyday.



Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2012
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, March 24th (Monday)

Bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7797 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7797 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
LeftOutintheCold
Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Thank you. I needed to see this and read this tonight.


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together over 10
Status - still separated

Posts: 323 | Registered: Mar 2014
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, March 28th (Friday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

BAMP

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7797 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, April 6th (Sunday)


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 232 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7797 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, April 11th (Friday)

boom p

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, April 11th (Friday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

bumped


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, April 25th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, May 16th (Friday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7797 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BlackHorse
Member
Member # 43459
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, May 19th (Monday)

I use to help on a couple of general on-line support groups in the past until I stopped from burn-out and to focus on the "Love Of My Life". She was worried about how much of a toll it took on me physically and emotionally because I always have delved head first and completely into things I am passionate about.

It is difficult seeing some of my own past sentiments given to others presented in front of me at this time as I deal with my heart-ache.

Must be easier for me to give advice and common sense to others than it is for me to take it.

- BlackHorse.


Not together long enough - too many long separations due to her continuing medical issues.
Me - Canadian.
She - American.
Both of us in our fifties.
D-Day - 04/30/14 (while she was away seeking medical assistance in her homeland)

Posts: 82 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The West Coast of Canada
bluelightshine
New Member
Member # 37539
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)

Bump for a friend


BS(Me) 32
SAWH (Beaker) 35
Married 11 Years
Dday Oct 06 2012
Dday 2 February 19 2014
Confessed to getting hand jobs from
prostitutes in 2006 and while living with OW
PA/EA 1 year
In r
2 children under 10
Working on faith everyday.



Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2012
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7797 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, May 24th (Saturday)

Bump. It's a holiday weekend and not as many here to help the newbies.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, May 26th (Monday)

BUMP


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Bump


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3772 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, June 19th (Thursday)

bump


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

bump


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1533 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
mamajen00
Member
Member # 43810
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, July 14th (Monday)

The 180 is what gave me power and control back in this situation. It helped me to realize that I am strong and capable!


BS- me 37
WH- him 38
1 son - almost 5
Married 8 years
Together 13 years
DDay 4/19/14
9 months of intense EA
2 days of PA

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2014
whymewhyus
New Member
Member # 44038
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

Anyone have success stories of doing the 180 while living with WH? Only thing I've got at this point to start detaching is sleeping in the other room and not making myself concerned with him, what he's doing and etc. It makes it a little difficult if you're under the same roof and I want to hold myself accountable but would love to hear from others who have experienced this and been thru it.


Me, BS, 30
Him, WS, 32
Married 5 yrs, together since '98. Yep, JR high sweethearts.
1 DD, 12
1st DDay 2/?/2010 EA/PA with coworker. Lasted about 4 mos.
2nd DDay 7/6/2014 EA/PA diff coworker- was going on for few mos. Unsure if it still is.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United States
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 24th (Thursday)

bump


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3961 | Registered: Sep 2005
Topic Posts: 542