SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Tactical Primer
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Target  Posted: 6:07 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)

Tactical Primer:

This primer is intended for betrayed spouses that have just arrived to the site looking for a quick-start guide of advice and what to do.

The first important thing to note is that there is no instant gratification, recovery, or magic bullet. Recovering from an affair takes hard work, sacrifice, patience, commitment, and time. Right now you are confused, in pain, and feeling helpless. Most of us have gone through the same.

This will likely be the worst experience in your life. You are a prime candidate for depression and should see a doctor (get checked for STDs) and counselor if you are having trouble coping and carefully monitor your diet, exercise, and sleep patterns to ensure that you are at your best.

An interesting fact is that most affairs resemble each other very closely. The words, actions, attitudes, and beliefs of the wayward partner come from a common script. This similarity allows for a general plan that can be modified according to the specifics of the situation.

It is important to realize that the wayward spouse has entered a realm of irrational thinking. They have done something that does not agree with their core belief and value system. What happens is that they enter a fantasy world and will repeatedly rationalize and justify what they are doing to avoid ownership and responsibility for their decisions. They will use many psychological self defense mechanisms to deny reality. Likely, they will shift the blame for their choices onto you or the marriage, rewrite the marital history, exaggerate trivial issues, and engage in lies and deceit to lessen their guilt and justify their actions. Right now, they are unreasonable and no amount of logic or explanation from you will sink in – in fact it will entrench them further in their irrational thinking. This is commonly referred to as ‘the fog’.

Don’t buy into you causing the affair. Both partners are 100% responsible for their part in the marriage. You may need to critically examine yourself to see what changes you need to make, but you are not responsible for your spouse’s decision.

It is also imperative to realize that you cannot control your spouse. You cannot control the circumstances that you will face. You can, however, exercise the power of discernment in these situations and control the situation that you allow yourself to be in and your contribution to it. You have the ability to apply motivating factors to your spouse by:
i) Making the marriage a good place to be
ii) Making the affair a bad place to be
iii) Making the marriage difficult to leave

The affair serves as a way to siphon off underlying tension and fear that they probably have from not really knowing what their needs are or how to get them met. Since they have quite a bit "invested" in both relationships and the impact of the consequences will hit hard, it's probably become difficult for them to make a decision. Your wayward spouse likely won't make a definitive decision and will waffle back and forth depending on their selfish desires as well as their true needs. This is fence-sitting and you'll spin your wheels and run over the same territory time and time again. So, address those polar pushes and pulls your wayward spouse is feeling and kick them off the fence.

The worst thing you can do is to do nothing. Your wayward spouse will see this as passive approval of what they're doing and it will embolden them to continue their behaviour. Worst of all though... it is giving up your power to chose. Realise that there is a very high risk to reward ratio with any forward action you take. Your wayward spouse is having an affair and most likely blaming you for this. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking a stand and not tolerating this behaviour.

From this stage forward you will want to bring a new approach to your communication and interaction with your wayward partner and anyone else that knows. You will still be connected to your partner but you want to have your feelings, thoughts, and actions under control. Speak the truth, directly and with quiet assertiveness and let your silence speak volumes. Be calm, steady, and in control with both your voice and your body. This technique carries power because it comes from your centre and illustrates your dignity and confidence.

Here is a summary of the general tactical plan:

Step 1) Gather intelligence on your spouse’s activities, even is your spouse has admitted to an affair (don’t be fooled into thinking it is over). Use a journal to record and document all suspicious behavior and keep it factual with times and dates and the activities. Consider reviewing cell phone records, internet history, etc to get as much evidence as possible. This is necessary research and if caught you will likely be accused of invading privacy to which the response would be “I was revealing your secrecy”. You will also want to have an informational visit with a lawyer to educate yourself about your rights so that you can make informed decisions.

Step 2) Confront your wayward spouse with the fact that you know about the affair and ask your spouse to stop. Do not give away all of your sources if possible – that will educate your spouse and allow them to hide the affair better in the future. They may not admit to it, and will likely deny and come up with wild explanations and minimize the relationship, but they need to know deep down they’ve been caught. You will be able to see it in their eyes.

Step 3) Lay out your boundaries to your wayward partner and let them know they are not open to debate. Healthy personal boundaries are a way to protect and take good care of ourselves. We all have a right and responsibility to protect our dignity and defend ourselves, and those boundaries let others know when their behaviour is not acceptable to us. Boundaries are about not allowing ourselves to be in a situation to be further hurt, not about manipulating another. You have to be willing to enforce them and the consequences. A simple boundary composition consists of “I want…”, “If you…”, “I will”. For example, “I want to be in a committed, open, and honest relationship. If you cannot respect me or my needs, then I will evaluate my desire to stay in this relationship.” Other vital boundaries include that the spouse has no contact with the affair partner, is willing to provide emails, passwords, cell-phone bills, etc to rebuild trust, as well as counseling or others depending on the situation. Make sure you don't take up a position but instead express your fundamental interests to your wayward partner. Positions become go or no-go points while expressing your interests allows you to come up with mutually acceptable alternatives. Make sure you are aware of which are needs and which are wants. We have to be able to judge that our own self worth is more important than the final outcome. Boundaries are a way to take ownership of our personal empowerment and avoid being a victim.

Step 4) Judicious Application of Reality:

If your wayward spouse has not broken off the affair and committed to the marriage then expose the affair to anyone who can apply pressure and influence to end it. If the other person involved is married inform the other betrayed spouse – they have a right to address the problems in their marriage as well. Also, if the affair is work related expose it to coworkers, supervisors, and the HR department. You may also decide to expose it to your and your spouse’s family and friends at your discretion or anyone else who can reasonably be expected to apply pressure. Be careful of the advice given by others and do not attempt to recruit your spouses family to your side - If they ask questions, answer honestly, but in the long run, do not expect their support. Exposure is a strong weapon to end the adultery. Affairs thrive on disrespect, deceit, and fantasy. Once they are revealed for what they are the fantasy world starts to crumble. Your wayward spouse will be furious and blame you because you’ve wrecked their little fairy-tale, but you are letting your spouse receive the consequences of their actions. Don’t try to bear the burden without exposure – that would be condoning the disrespect shown to you.

Consult a lawyer and find out where you stand. This will give you the information you need to start planning your contingencies. You may not want to walk that road now, but it makes sense to have it paved beforehand. Deactivate your wayward spouse and shut down their resource supply. Cancel their cell phone. Disconnect the internet. Consider emptying out half of the bank/retirement accounts (believe me that a wayward spouse is already thinking about this). Cancel joint credit cards. Make sure your insurance/retirement information is all up to date. Change your beneficiary to your children in trust of a relative on that and any other accounts you have. Draw up a new will, change the power of attorney to someone trusted. Get together all bank statements, statements of income, proof of the affair, etc so that it's readily available for the lawyer. Make certain that if you want to reconcile, you consistently explain to your wayward spouse that once they cut off contact with their affair partner and stick to it (and is transparent and honest so that you can verify compliance - handing over emails, passwords, etc), you are willing to resume your marriage and to recover without making them pay for their mistakes for the rest of their life. Show them a way back. Once your wayward spouse sees that the consequences of their actions will impact the quality of their life, there exists a chance that they may start to take responsibility for their choices.

Step 5) If the confrontation did not end the affair, it is time to make the marriage a good place to be and work on yourself. Read up on the 180 in the BS FAQ section of the Healing Library. It is a mechanism for you to retake control of your life, rebuild your self esteem, move forward with confidence, and show your partner that you respect yourself. Stay dignified and the class act the whole time. This is about personal empowerment through monitoring your thoughts, adjusting your attitude and nurturing yourself. This will also show your spouse that you can be an attractive partner in a revitalized marriage. Typically, this will last for 3 to 6 months depending before your next steps.

Step 6)
If the previous steps have done nothing, then it is time to show to show your partner the reality of the situation and what they will be missing without you in their life. Tell them “Honey, I would prefer that the marriage would work and that’s what I’m willing to do, but I can see that it’s impossible now. Ending it is not what I want, but the present situation is something that I want less. So ending it, for me, is moving forward.” In this stage you cut off all communication with your wayward partner. This prevents the wayward partner from getting positive or negative emotional needs met from you. This will facilitate your spouse making a decision and also provide you with emotional detachment. It is recommended that you consult with an attorney to protect yourself, your children, and your assets - do not let your wayward partner know this as you want to get all of your ducks in a row - hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. This will protect you regardless of the outcome. This stage can last again anywhere from 3 to 12 months. Looking at the first 6 months though (steps 5 and 6) should give you enough information about where things stand with your WS.

Step 7) There is no guarantee – sometimes all that you can do will not result in your spouse returning and being a committed partner. Sometimes, regretfully, you will have to cut your losses, protect yourself and your children, and move forward and onto divorce. If this does happen though, you will have the comfort of knowing that you did everything possible to salvage your marriage.

Reconciliation:

Should the affair end and the wayward spouse return to the marriage, reconciliation will be a difficult road to travel. You will know that your spouse is committed when they:
- Take responsibility for their choices and actions (without blaming you).
- Recognise the pain you were made to suffer because of their choices and are remorseful and empathetic for you (not just feeling sorry for themselves).
- Set up plans to ensure that this doesn't happen again. This includes no contact with the affair partner or other potential partners and taking measures such as blocking them from phone/email access, constructing a No Contact Letter, commitment to finding another job if appropriate, and so forth.
- Are 100% honest and transparent and willing to answer any questions and provide any information to rebuild the trust. This includes giving you access to the tools of the affair such as emails, phone, etc in order to verify their compliance.
- Are actively trying to make amends to the marriage.

You will have both built up walls to protect yourselves. Those same walls will prevent you from connecting emotionally. They have to be taken down very carefully. Some tips for successful reconciliation include:
- Avoid spending too much time together to try and force recovery.
- Don’t just try to move forward and forget – this issue must be addressed although not the exclusion of everyday life.
- Avoid bringing up the affair repeatedly for anything not related to the affair, and do not belittle your spouse.
- Exhibit trust to the wayward partner only where trustworthiness has been shown. Continue to monitor the wayward partners activities to ensure the affair is over.
- Do spend more time together doing things that you both enjoy.
- Do seek professional counseling.
- Do ensure that you try to meet their emotional needs and not engage in destructive behaviours or habits.


Above all else, make sure that you keep faith in yourself and take care of you. That faith will nurture the natural honesty, compassion, and courage within you to carry you through. Stay true to the standards, morals, ethics, and beliefs that you hold yourself to. And know that you're gonna be okay.

[This message edited by SerJR at 1:12 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
socold
Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)

OMG amazing... You are such a help to everyone here. Thanks.


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2585 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
Basic_Guy
Member
Member # 4396
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)

BAng up job buddy....thank you for taking the time to put this together and post it....


Courage does not always come with blinding flashes of light....sometimes you only notice it after it passes...

My patron saint is a-fighting with a ghost
He's always off somewhere when I need him most.


Posts: 32886 | Registered: May 2004
captiva
Member
Member # 15193
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)

serJR - Wise words, sadly the knowledge has been gained by your own experiences. But this will be so helpful for the new people here.

I think it should be in the Healing Library.


Thanks serJR


4 years out. We're getting there.......I will never forget the hurt he created by having a LTA with a serial marriage wrecker. I don't think he will forget the hurt either, nor how ashamed he is of his behaviour.....

Posts: 986 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: UK
north of nowhere
Member
Member # 18849
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Spot on!

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2008
shyguy
Member
Member # 18281
Wink  Posted: 7:28 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Great!


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
wildhorses
Member
Member # 19604
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)

IF ONLY I had this wisdom, laid out this clearly, 1 year ago. SerJR, I'm always impressed with your posts and I think this one will be a huge help to many newbies. It should be posted in the Healing Library or somewhere where it stays readily available. As a matter of fact, someone ought to compile a "best of" SI posts. That would make for the best book on infidelity ever.

Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Boston, Massachusetts
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Great post!!!!


FBH - 44
FWW - 45 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 8 & 14

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 42578 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Let me know if you think there is anything missing or if you have any suggestions and I'll keep this updated.

I feel it's pretty important to have something like this to provide a new BS with empowerment.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
2getheragain
Member
Member # 16992
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Excellent breakdown.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Nov 2007
last_time
Member
Member # 18200
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Absolutely terrific!

Posts: 368 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: northeast
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Fabulous! Healing Library material for sure


Me: BS
2 kids: DD16 and DS19
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7989 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Just a bump as it slides down the page.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Flyaway
Member
Member # 15681
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Awesome!! Definitely a "must read".


"Lord, keep your arms around my shoulders and your hand over my mouth"

"The man who cannot endure to have his errors and shortcomings brought to the surface and made known, but tries to hide them, is unfit to walk the highway of truth.


Posts: 724 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: North of Houston
Nycolette
Member
Member # 18207
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

WOW!!! Thanks for taking the time to compile all of this information for us BS. And yes, this should be in the Healing Libary!


He threw me away but the whore was the trash!

Posts: 404 | Registered: Feb 2008
Sad_Lady
Member
Member # 15920
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, May 25th (Sunday)

Man this is good, could it be stickied?

Posting hoping it will stay on page 1...


Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend til you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then You Stand

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2007
comewhatmay2008
Member
Member # 18025
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 25th (Sunday)

This is exactly what I wish I had at the begining. Thank you. Healing library material.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 38
Married 15 yrs, together 19 years
2 children, 7 & 10
DDAY 09/29/07
R ongoing

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: UK
Boadicea
Member
Member # 18032
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, May 25th (Sunday)

As my students would say, "That's just awesome!"

Thank you for organizing it so perfectly. Those of us who have gone through it already, had to live it in order to learn the best way to cope.

It definitely should go in the Healing Library.


ďOne manís folly is often another manís wife.Ē Helen Rowland

Posts: 751 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: New York City
unhappy123
New Member
Member # 19494
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, May 26th (Monday)

thank you...very insightful and helpful.

Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2008
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)

This needs to stay on page one


FBH - 44
FWW - 45 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 8 & 14

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 42578 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
punky
Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)

Great. I always feel so bad that I can't touch base with with all the new people all the time--there are just too many (sad, huh??)--but this is a fantastic first read for anyone in this situation


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11307 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Great post.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
heartbroken30
Member
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Great job!


Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9
Divorced

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
EyesOpened
Member
Member # 19777
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Thanx... very helpful. A must read.


An angel is someone you feel like you've known forever
even though you've just met.

Posts: 67 | Registered: Jun 2008
Piper317
Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

So well written! Nice job. I vote for this to go into the Healing library....just sayin.....


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
buster
Member
Member # 16571
Content  Posted: 1:46 PM, June 6th (Friday)

WOW. what a great, great post.


In R

Las cosas no son como las vemos sino como las recordamos


Posts: 113 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Mexico
notworthless
Member
Member # 18943
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, June 6th (Friday)

Terrific post


I will survive....

Posts: 1154 | Registered: Apr 2008
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, June 7th (Saturday)

Bumping for newbies as it slips off the front page.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, June 7th (Saturday)

Just caught this. I'll be a proud bumper for it.


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4994 | Registered: Nov 2007
s.squirrel
Member
Member # 14742
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, June 8th (Sunday)

bumping up another great post.


Me BS 44
Him WS 45
sons :17, 16
daughter: 13
dday1: 6/1996..separated 1.5yr, then reconciled 1/1998
dday2: 5/7/2007
Separated at last!~10/31/2008
heading -->divorce
But he lost his job in April..so pending, pending, pending.

Posts: 280 | Registered: May 2007 | From: ohio
Clangirl
Member
Member # 19433
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

Thanks for much for this. I`m one year on from exposing WS`s affair but he still works with the OW and living with him has been an emotional rollercoaster for the past year.

Learning a lot from SI though. Was pointed in the direction of this thread just today and am so glad!

Thank you!

Clangirl


Posts: 66 | Registered: May 2008
cjonesjag
Member
Member # 10617
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

< bump > for new friends


Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

Posts: 6402 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Michigan
Dagny07
Member
Member # 16928
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, June 9th (Monday)

Bump !


Me:BW Him: FWH E/A
M: 30 years, together 37 : both guilty of PAs 20+ years ago
CDay#1 Oct 06 (false); DDay#2 Oct 07 (truth from OW's BH)
R: Tenaciously optimistic

Posts: 862 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)


Yet another one from SerJR.
Yet again, I wish I had found this place earlier.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs or maybe 7yrs.
Me: BS, still young. Him, WS, old
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee stalker.
3 grown boys and one 20y/o
"There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after."

Posts: 3755 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)

Fabulous post SerJR!!! I just wish I'd have had this when I first started down this road, completely lost and shattered. You're WORD!!!!


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 10020 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
pandorasbox
New Member
Member # 19648
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 12th (Thursday)

Thanks so much for steering me here! What great words or advice & wisdom!


BS (Me) - 38
WS (Him) - 43
2 DD ages 10 & 5
Married 2 1/2 yrs., Together 10
11/19/07 - "I just don't love you anymore. I want a divorce."
12/21/07 - DDay confirming OW
Working on R

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2008
ImGonnaMakeIt
Member
Member # 18277
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, June 12th (Thursday)

This is perfect, and just the reminder I needed to remain focused.

I use to think my self-respect was being prideful. This reminds me, it isn't, it is a necessity!

Thanks SerJR


BSO - 35

Together 5 yrs.
D-Day 1/6/12
Reconciling.
OC Born 11/2012
DD born 01/2014
I still love him but what I miss the most is the peace I felt loving him without the fear.


Posts: 2201 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: AZ
toonice
Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, June 12th (Thursday)

Had I known all this, 9 years ago, hell, 13 years ago, things would have been very different.


There is so much anger and resentment built up now - I don't know if there will be a reconciliation.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
socold
Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 13th (Friday)

Needs to be on pg1.


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2585 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
Dagny07
Member
Member # 16928
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, June 15th (Sunday)

Bump


Me:BW Him: FWH E/A
M: 30 years, together 37 : both guilty of PAs 20+ years ago
CDay#1 Oct 06 (false); DDay#2 Oct 07 (truth from OW's BH)
R: Tenaciously optimistic

Posts: 862 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 16th (Monday)

Back to page 1


FBH - 44
FWW - 45 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 8 & 14

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 42578 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
breakingheart
Member
Member # 19909
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 16th (Monday)

This definitely needs to be at the top of page 1. It is one of few posts that does NOT make me cry. When I am ready to take action...again.....this gives me focus.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2008
ImGonnaMakeIt
Member
Member # 18277
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)


BSO - 35

Together 5 yrs.
D-Day 1/6/12
Reconciling.
OC Born 11/2012
DD born 01/2014
I still love him but what I miss the most is the peace I felt loving him without the fear.


Posts: 2201 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: AZ
breakingheart
Member
Member # 19909
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

bump
Im gonna make it...love the quote

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2008
ArmyWife08
Member
Member # 17668
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Great post!

Posts: 632 | Registered: Jan 2008
Phill
Member
Member # 19490
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

As a matter of fact, someone ought to compile a "best of" SI posts. That would make for the best book on infidelity ever.

Hmmm... now THATS something to consider, isnt it...

(Really excellent points SerJR)


Posts: 139 | Registered: May 2008 | From: East Coast
our5kids
Member
Member # 19906
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)

AMAZING...........DEFINATELY SHOULD BE IN THE HEALING LIBRARY


me-BS-32 him-WH-37 kids- 5 his mine and ours(3together)

Posts: 145 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: usa
Phill
Member
Member # 19490
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, June 19th (Thursday)

This post is so worth this... BUMP!!!!

Posts: 139 | Registered: May 2008 | From: East Coast
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

bump


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4994 | Registered: Nov 2007
veryconflicted
New Member
Member # 19901
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

Thanks for putting this on the first page. I needed to read this. Very helpful

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Dallas
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
socold
Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2585 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, June 27th (Friday)

Bumping for the new ones tonight

(((Hugs to you all)))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD16 and DS19
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7989 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
unfound
Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 29th (Sunday)

bumping


ka-mai
*************
Kids on the playground can be so cruel. ďGet off the swings youíre like 50, and stop talking about Soundgarden, we don't even know what that is."

Posts: 14937 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
bbee
Member
Member # 17840
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, June 30th (Monday)

bump


This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SE US
Sumrlady
Member
Member # 4355
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, June 30th (Monday)

Great one. I'd say 5 & 6 should happen at the same time, and I would give this stage 3 months max.

But then I'm bitter


Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover-Mark Twain

Posts: 3139 | Registered: May 2004 | From: N. California
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)

Bumpitty


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 6053 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Balancing Act
Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

bump


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 4th (Friday)

Bumping for the new ones again.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD16 and DS19
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7989 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
bbee
Member
Member # 17840
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 7th (Monday)

bump


This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SE US
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Bumping for the new ones again.

Thanks again for this great post, SerJR.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD16 and DS19
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7989 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
dead_but_alive
Member
Member # 20178
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

From a somewhat newly BS -- Thanks for this post.


Me - BW

Separated - 11.19.2007 / DIVORCED - 1.13.2010
-- 19 years, 8 months, 24 days of marriage (including 2 years, 1 month, 26 days of separation) legally ended 1.13.2010. I now officially start my new life.


Posts: 2365 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Mississippi
connection
Member
Member # 16927
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

SerJR, I just saw this... I wish I could have read this almost 2 years ago!

At least there will be others who get to read it when they really, really, need it.

Your work is appreciated!


Posts: 128 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Ontario, Canada
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, July 13th (Sunday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Chin Up!
Member
Member # 20057
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

EXCELLENT POST! Bumping for the newbies.


Me - BS(44)
Him - WS (43)
D-Day #1 - June 20, 2008
D-Day #2 - July 02, 2008
Status - Who the hell knows?

*********************************

Grace under pressure is not just a saying - it's my minute-by-minute goal.


Posts: 130 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic
bbee
Member
Member # 17840
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)

bump


This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SE US
hurtingstudent
Member
Member # 17432
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)

bumping to the top other's need it


If epilepsy has touched your life, or for more information visit:

for support & info: www.epilepsy.com
for info & research: www.epilepsyfoundation.com
to track seizures: www.trackseizures.com


Posts: 4507 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: indiana
Phill
Member
Member # 19490
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

Bump. (Especially for "fool me once".

[This message edited by Phill at 5:55 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 139 | Registered: May 2008 | From: East Coast
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 18th (Friday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
bbee
Member
Member # 17840
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, July 21st (Monday)

bump


This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SE US
bbee
Member
Member # 17840
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

bump


This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SE US
bbee
Member
Member # 17840
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, July 25th (Friday)

bump


This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SE US
DivaCC
Member
Member # 20382
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 25th (Friday)

Wonderful and much needed! Thank you


Me- BS-35
Him- WH-38 EA Co-worker 2 months
Married 7 1/2 years
1 daughter-7
DDay-06/24/08 DDAY2- 08/03/08
The world's a rollercoaster
And I am not strapped in
Maybe I should hold with care
But my hands are busy in the air-Incubus


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2008
Wanda23
Member
Member # 12919
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, July 27th (Sunday)

Bumping because it is so important.


Can you tell by the way that I am no longer hunched over that I'm divorced?????

Posts: 1404 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Omaha, Nebraska
Flippa
New Member
Member # 20414
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, July 27th (Sunday)

Great info, I'm 3 days out from D-day and still a computer crazed maniac gathering all the online support and information I can get. Thanks for your words.


Me - BS: 34
Him - WS: 37
D-Day: 7/24/08
OEA's began: Sept '08
No PA that he's admitted to
Married almost 5 years
2 kids (2,4)
Currently Separated

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Texas
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
bbee
Member
Member # 17840
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 3rd (Sunday)

bump


This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SE US
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)

Are we playing volleyball bbee?

bump


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
sparrowjack
Member
Member # 20264
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

This is exactly the post I needed to read. I think I am in a 'fog' of my own. I want so badly to believe her, but she is following the script of others to a 'T'. I want to believe that she is done with him and that she wants the marriage to work, but some of her actions just aren't reflecting that.


Me: 36
Her: 36
Married: 10 years
Kids: twin boys (8) 1 girl (3)
Found out: 1/1/08
d-day: 7/15/08
moved out: 11/15/08
Filed for D: 12/19/08
She still has contact with him as of today

Life can never give security, it can only promise opportunity.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2008
shopper13
Member
Member # 19695
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

What a great resource this is. Thanks!

Posts: 57 | Registered: May 2008
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, August 9th (Saturday)

Bump for newbies


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 6053 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
oldtimer97
Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)

bump


ďWhen someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.Ē

― Maya Angelou


Posts: 3375 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
AFguy
Member
Member # 19822
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 15th (Friday)

bump


BS Me 36
WS Her 35 Now XW!
Together 16yrs Married 8
No kids thank God, just great dogs.
D-Day 6/25/08 8:06pm.D 7/18/08
I'm way too damn good for her. She will really, really regret this one day.
People should come with warning lables.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Maine
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, August 16th (Saturday)

Bump


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 6053 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, August 22nd (Friday)

bumpsey bump


I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4994 | Registered: Nov 2007
cards96
Member
Member # 14962
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, August 23rd (Saturday)

GREAT post SerJr, wish it would have been around when I was new to this rollercoaster. Only thing I would add is don't make any snap decisions, think before you act. Your actions will have an impact, positive, negative or neutral, and be prepared to deal with that.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: ky
Balancing Act
Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, August 26th (Tuesday)

bumping for the newbies....this is good stuff!!


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
Balancing Act
Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, August 29th (Friday)

bump


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
futureshock
New Member
Member # 20835
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 29th (Friday)

Thank you SerJR, one of the best posts I have read so far. My only disconnect was with your advice on reconciliation when you said

- Avoid spending too much time together to try and force recovery.

We are in day six and it has been non-stop talking. This increased communication makes us feel we are getting closer. After reading your advice I am now conflicted as to whether we should continue this intense or maybe obsessive communication.


Me-Male BS 55 yrs old
Spouse-Female WS 48 yrs old
Happily married 16 yrs
D day-Aug 23 2008
Current status-working on R - broke NC Sept 8 2008, back on shaky ground
one male child 15 yrs old

Posts: 42 | Registered: Aug 2008
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, August 29th (Friday)

Hey futureshock - the key point to that statement is the word 'force'. If the communication is coming naturally and you are not uncomfortable spending that much time together then that is great and I encourage you both to keep it up!

The key is that is that you don't want to smother each other or force things to happen at an unnatural pace and be respectful of each other's need for space and other emotional needs.

As for the primer, it presents the general action plan - adapt the tactics as necessary to fit your own situation.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
futureshock
New Member
Member # 20835
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 29th (Friday)

That clears it up very well for me. Thank you again SerJR


Me-Male BS 55 yrs old
Spouse-Female WS 48 yrs old
Happily married 16 yrs
D day-Aug 23 2008
Current status-working on R - broke NC Sept 8 2008, back on shaky ground
one male child 15 yrs old

Posts: 42 | Registered: Aug 2008
Balancing Act
Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 31st (Sunday)

bump


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
SophieKnows
Member
Member # 20839
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 1st (Monday)

What a great post.. I am only in phase 1, collecting all my evidence. This is a very painful process, but I know I need to do this.


Me: BS - 33
WH - 33 SA, Multiple D-Days, Multiple OWs, Multiple Profiles on Dating Sites

False R - Was Separated - Now in Limbo while he's going through IC.

Mother to a wonderful 4 year old daughter.


Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Canada
Balancing Act
Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, September 5th (Friday)

bump


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
pitiful
Member
Member # 8137
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, September 7th (Sunday)

Bump for humiliated again.


luv u bye


Posts: 1711 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: il
bbee
Member
Member # 17840
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, September 10th (Wednesday)

bump


This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SE US
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, September 25th (Thursday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
IKnowNow
Member
Member # 12188
Default  Posted: 3:45 AM, September 26th (Friday)

Great SerJR!
*just bumping*


Me - BW.

A MLC is not a reason, it's an excuse! - Me.


Posts: 729 | Registered: Sep 2006
HelpMeUnderstand
New Member
Member # 19947
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, September 26th (Friday)

I wish I had this at the beginning of my journey. THANK YOU so much for your insight. I've been on this site before, but didn't really know where I fit in. Now I know. It's hard to start healing when you don't know where to begin. You made my day!

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest
TwoHearts
Member
Member # 20647
Happy  Posted: 8:57 AM, September 26th (Friday)

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself. The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.


Great help, even to those of us who have been around here for a while. The only thought I had about what else might help is the time line quote from the healing library.

What you said was very helpful and when I combined it with the general time lines experienced by BS's it really helped put it all in perspective. Like you said, a general tactical process that might help newbies know what to expect and how to deal with it.

Well Said,

Thanks Again


1Sa 22:23 (NIV) - "Stay with me; don't be afraid; the man who is seeking your life is seeking mine also. You will be safe with me."

Posts: 686 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: 2nd Place
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, September 29th (Monday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, October 9th (Thursday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
twopercenter
Member
Member # 17024
Default  Posted: 3:46 AM, October 13th (Monday)

I wish I had been able to read this two years ago.

Posts: 274 | Registered: Nov 2007
tractorgirl
Member
Member # 21226
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)

bump


BS=me, late 30's
FWH=him, early 40's
Married 15 years
OW=19 yrs old
2 boys: 12 & 9, wonderful!!
Reconciling

Posts: 1368 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: nebraska
DownNotOut
Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)

Even though I am over 2 years out from initial dday your primer is still a very useful tool.

Thanks SerJR for putting it together and putting it out here for all the newbies (and oldtimers).


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
toohurt
Member
Member # 21245
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)

As I have 'just found out', this is the most important piece of information I have found to date anywhere on the internet. Even my counselor hasn't been this much help.
Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.


Be the kind of person your dog thinks you are...

10/24-What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That better be damn true.


Posts: 2919 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
keeks
Member
Member # 10814
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)

Ser GREAT JOB!!!! This should be either in the healing library or my preference at the top of this forum....Just a hint mods...

Posts: 371 | Registered: May 2006
hurtingstudent
Member
Member # 17432
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, October 24th (Friday)

Bumping back to the top for new members.


If epilepsy has touched your life, or for more information visit:

for support & info: www.epilepsy.com
for info & research: www.epilepsyfoundation.com
to track seizures: www.trackseizures.com


Posts: 4507 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: indiana
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, October 24th (Friday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
tractorgirl
Member
Member # 21226
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, October 27th (Monday)

bump


BS=me, late 30's
FWH=him, early 40's
Married 15 years
OW=19 yrs old
2 boys: 12 & 9, wonderful!!
Reconciling

Posts: 1368 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: nebraska
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, October 29th (Wednesday)

btt

Posts: 7255 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Behindthemask
New Member
Member # 21522
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, November 7th (Friday)

Im glad LostatSea4 sent me this link. This really is a good thing to look over. Thank you


D-Day: October 31,2008
In counseling, trying to Reconcile
9 years married, together 13
Me (BS): 36
Her: 32
Children: 5 & 6
WS: On the Fence
Two steps behind the mask

Posts: 18 | Registered: Nov 2008
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, November 12th (Wednesday)

Bumping for the new, hurting ones.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD16 and DS19
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7989 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
mella_love
New Member
Member # 21579
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, November 12th (Wednesday)

Wow ... I'm really glad that I saw this. Its been three months since my d-day and I'm still so lost.

I just joined SI the other day. I've just been reading everything in the Library (along with some of these posts) and I already feel better.

So thank you.
ML


"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
- Unknown

Posts: 4 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Florida
HoBeGone
New Member
Member # 21567
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, November 12th (Wednesday)

THIS is absolutely amazingly perfectly well stated and needs to be seen/read by EVERY SINGLE BS!!

Thank you for posting this AND to everyone who replied ..


Me - 35F - BS - Smart, Beautiful, Faithful
Him - 29M - WS - Asshole, Diagnosed Sex Addict
Son - 5
Together 7.5 years, Married 5.5 years



Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2008
LostatSea4
Member
Member # 21497
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, November 12th (Wednesday)

I am really happy it helped you BehindtheMask. It helped me a lot too when Ser put it up on one of my posts!
Thanks Ser.


R takes not one but two!
BS-me WS-him
Too many to talk about.

Posts: 992 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: SE
soldieron
Member
Member # 21466
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, November 13th (Thursday)

bump


when there's nothing left to burn
you have to set yourself on fire

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: pacific northwest
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, November 25th (Tuesday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Missjane
Member
Member # 19244
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, November 25th (Tuesday)

this should be a must reread before joining the club nobody ever wanted to be a part of...

then again, it could be in inspirations, the healing library, and reconcillation....

glad I stumbled upon it...


Me - 32
WS - 38
D - 5
Together 14years, Married 9
Dday - To many to count
Divorce Papers Filed 05/08/2009
09/2009 - Divorce on hold. Attempting R. Things are looking up, the fog appears to have lifted.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Northeast
LostinNO
New Member
Member # 21771
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, November 25th (Tuesday)

I am sorry, I am new to this.

Where can I find this 180?

Thank you.


LostinNO

BS - 48
Her WS - 38
Married 12 years
D-Day 11/7/08
Divorce process has begun


Posts: 42 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: New Orleans
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, November 25th (Tuesday)

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Amberly744
Member
Member # 20943
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, November 26th (Wednesday)

bump


Humble by history, sadden by memorials, grateful to friends.

Posts: 2588 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: California
thetruthwins
Member
Member # 21722
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, November 27th (Thursday)

BUMP


Me BS age 40
Him WH age 41
Son age 5
ONS on 10/31, DDay 11/1 but problems with prior deceit, porn addiction, general compulsiveness. I wouldn't let him come home on DDay.
Update: He's in IC! Yay! Moved home 11/26, things are going great. Whew!

Posts: 656 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: the here and now
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, December 1st (Monday)

Bumping


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3210 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
Cloud
Member
Member # 21049
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, December 1st (Monday)

SerJr you are incredible!

Thanks for taking the time to put this into words. You covered everything.

This definitely needs to be in the Healing Library. What a great reference for the "newbies" and the "oldies" too.


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Sep 2008
tru2u
Member
Member # 21677
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, December 1st (Monday)

Thank You!


You can't play on broken strings....James Morrison.
BS 35, WH 39, M 6y, together 10y
Kids- 2 baby boys, one baking.
D-Day#1 10/26/08 2 month EA/PA co-worker
11/25/08- and the trickle begins.......
Trying to R

Posts: 222 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: somewhere cold
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, December 2nd (Tuesday)

Bumping


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3210 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
philly172
Member
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday)

thanks so much.. I really really needed to read that tonight!!


"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4871 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, December 18th (Thursday)

Bumping


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3210 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
thetruthwins
Member
Member # 21722
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, December 29th (Monday)

Bump for all the newbies.


Me BS age 40
Him WH age 41
Son age 5
ONS on 10/31, DDay 11/1 but problems with prior deceit, porn addiction, general compulsiveness. I wouldn't let him come home on DDay.
Update: He's in IC! Yay! Moved home 11/26, things are going great. Whew!

Posts: 656 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: the here and now
hurtingstudent
Member
Member # 17432
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, December 29th (Monday)

Bump back to the top!


If epilepsy has touched your life, or for more information visit:

for support & info: www.epilepsy.com
for info & research: www.epilepsyfoundation.com
to track seizures: www.trackseizures.com


Posts: 4507 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: indiana
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, December 31st (Wednesday)

bumping for the newly betrayed.

Posts: 11868 | Registered: Mar 2008
justfoundout2
New Member
Member # 22219
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, December 31st (Wednesday)

thank you so much for this needed and insightful information. Dday was Christmas night. I am trying to read as much as possible to help with this roller coaster ride nightmare. Have been married 41 years. I will reread your article daily.

Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Ohio
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, December 31st (Wednesday)

bumpiddy

Posts: 11868 | Registered: Mar 2008
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, January 1st (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 11868 | Registered: Mar 2008
gettingthrutoday
Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, January 3rd (Saturday)

bump for soccermom


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, January 8th (Thursday)

***bump***

Posts: 11868 | Registered: Mar 2008
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, January 8th (Thursday)

Excellent !


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20458 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, January 10th (Saturday)


Posts: 11868 | Registered: Mar 2008
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, January 17th (Saturday)


Posts: 11868 | Registered: Mar 2008
caribou
Member
Member # 21852
Default  Posted: 4:31 AM, January 22nd (Thursday)

and bump


Me- BS 40 yrs
D-Day 29 Sept 08

"When dealing with a cake-eater you close the bakery" - Catwoman


Posts: 481 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Melbourne, Australia
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, January 28th (Wednesday)


Posts: 11868 | Registered: Mar 2008
twopercenter
Member
Member # 17024
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, February 2nd (Monday)

Bump!

Posts: 274 | Registered: Nov 2007
twopercenter
Member
Member # 17024
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, February 2nd (Monday)

Bump!

Posts: 274 | Registered: Nov 2007
mom-of-3
New Member
Member # 22623
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, February 2nd (Monday)

thank-you for bumping this!


Me: 35WH: 32
Together 11 years, married for 5
Kids - D9, S4 & S2He's had 3 PA's & 1 EAWe're both now in counseling... I'm considering R

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2009
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday)


Posts: 11868 | Registered: Mar 2008
betterdaysahead
Member
Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, February 19th (Thursday)

bumped


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
StoryHour
Member
Member # 19725
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, February 19th (Thursday)

This really should be stickied.


3 Strikes you're out pal!
D. 8-10


Posts: 2040 | Registered: May 2008
snowed
Member
Member # 22895
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, February 19th (Thursday)

Stickied? It should be mandatory reading material right after you get married. "I know you both promised to be faithful, but the reality is, likely ain't gonna happen. So this is what to do."
Feeling a bit jaded today.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2009
FastForward
Member
Member # 22073
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, February 24th (Tuesday)


Posts: 207 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: So. FL.
sofresh
Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, February 24th (Tuesday)

I fear if I tell poeple like his co-workers, her parents, his employer, his parents that he would NEVER forgive me.
And I fear he'll get fired.


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to usÖ
ďBe happy its over, don't cry because it happenedĒ

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
sofresh
Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, February 25th (Wednesday)

I told him that his mother knew something was wrong...I had told her three weeks ago about the fact that my paranoia (which I now know was concrete suspicion) was upseting him and that we weren't getting along.

Yeah...I feel like it's 1 step forward 4 steps back.

But at this point I believe it is in God's hands and no matter what I do...make him happy,kiss his ass, piss him off ask too many questions.....that it's going to end the same way regardless.

I think we all need to see things that way...if I were to force him to stay waht gratification would that give me...I would feel more loved for him to decide on his own accord.


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to usÖ
ďBe happy its over, don't cry because it happenedĒ

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, February 25th (Wednesday)

sofresh - you're quite right that you can't control him and that you don't want a relationship with him where he is a reluctant partner. What's important is to set up those personal boundaries for ourselves to protect what is important to us. By taking charge in this manner, we force a WS's hand into making the decision they were going to make and pull ourselves out of the limbo so that we are able to move forward with our lives. The techniques mentioned in here not only help to rebuild our empowerment, but also apply motivating factors to promote that movement.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, February 27th (Friday)

Bumping


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3210 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
NoMoreNiceGuy
Member
Member # 22956
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, March 13th (Friday)

SerJR - Thank you. It's been 2 1/2 years since seperation for us and we are at a weird stand-off phase (no-win). She cries for 'lovy-love' but it seems to never get us anywhere. There's just another fault of mine that'll be the NEXT big issue (excuse) to hold of reconciliation. So I posted a question in the Recon. Forum, (Lovy-Love)Love Dare vs. Tough Love? and received near 200 responses and counting. Unanimously in favor of Tough-Love/180. But -socold- just led me here and the info just might be what it takes to break the stale-mate. Thanks allot! And great work.
NiceGuy

[This message edited by NoMoreNiceGuy at 3:43 PM, March 13th (Friday)]


Posts: 73 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Salem, OR
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, March 19th (Thursday)

bumping for newbies


I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.


Posts: 5674 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Indiana
tkd1
Member
Member # 6661
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, March 19th (Thursday)

yay for this Primer...thanks again Ser.


"I Just need a compass and a willing accomplice." P!nk, Crystal Ball

Posts: 2930 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: SE Ga
Brokken
Member
Member # 22373
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, March 20th (Friday)

Could not agree more...

Anyone have suggestions or experience that would help me decide if it is time to pull the trigger on Step #4?


Together 6 years...
Married 08/08/08
D-Day #1 - 01/01/09
D-Day #2 - 03/10/09
Divorced - 10/16/09

"Don't make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option..."


Posts: 164 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: SLC, UT - USA
Want2Run
Member
Member # 22745
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 20th (Friday)

This is a great help. Thank you!!Calms me down a bit just to see it in simple steps.


Happily divorced!!
Moved on...well we still have to co-parent...

Posts: 304 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Karma62
Member
Member # 23320
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, March 20th (Friday)

You seem to be the experienced person. I am new. My only comment on your primer is the not spending time together part initially. Ok,.... like the first 2 - weeks painful, but the next 2 months were key to spend time (or is that the 3 - 6 month thing?). We took two trips since D-day, skiing and the UK, both good ideas for us and our therapist said also. He goes away and I am lost. Being togehter seems to help, for both of us to get over this.


Me: BS 48
Him: FWH 64
Married 19
D-Day # 1 31-10-07 EA?? (Denied!)
D-Day # 2 17-12-08 Full PA both years same OW
OW 37S Neighbour (NC)
Working on R with hope
"You have been Weighed, Measured and you have been Found wanting" -

Posts: 275 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Canada
JoePike
Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, April 2nd (Thursday)

Bump for Allybam and other newcomers


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term ďmistakeĒ infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
newyear
Member
Member # 22713
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, April 2nd (Thursday)

Once again, Thanks for your information and sharing your thoughts.


WH 62--hired the same prostitute during his overseas business trips to Shanghai, China in 6/08 & 12/08
BW 59
M 38 yr
2 daughters 29 & 27--Both are M
DDay 7/08--Took him 6 months to defogged and admitted the A
12/08 --Working very hard on the R

Posts: 1555 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Midwest
SuspiciousWife
Member
Member # 18108
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, April 8th (Wednesday)

Bumping again.


Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

Posts: 557 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: East Coast
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, April 27th (Monday)

Bump it to the top !


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20458 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
snowdrop
Member
Member # 23594
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, April 28th (Tuesday)

This has been really, really helpful; thank you!


Me: BW, 38
WH: 37
2 DS
DDays:first one was Feb 09.
Separating, after 18 months of trying to R.

Posts: 206 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: UK
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, April 30th (Thursday)

Bumping


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3210 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
hecheated400
Member
Member # 23602
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)

A must read for all newbies on JFO. Thanks so much!
bump.


WH - 60
BS - 57 me
married 12/26/08
f4D 1/06/09

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: San Diego
Jodi
Member
Member # 23781
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)

Thank you for taking the time to do this. It really helps. I justt found out about the A a couple weeks ago and am still in a state of disbelief and feel paralized to do anything.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: California
kluelesskat
Member
Member # 23552
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, May 5th (Tuesday)

Good plan


Me - BS
Him - WS
MOW - Ole fatty w 2 others on the side besides mine and her husband

Posts: 215 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada Eh
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, May 7th (Thursday)

Updates made


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 11th (Monday)

Bumping for new members.


BH - no longer 50
3 DD's - (30, 26 and 19)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9204 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: ND
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, May 12th (Tuesday)

bump back to page one


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, May 14th (Thursday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, May 16th (Saturday)

Give ya bump Ser !!


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20458 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, May 17th (Sunday)

More pain so giving it front page


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20458 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Joyslyn
New Member
Member # 24027
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, May 17th (Sunday)

Wow. Thank you! Just began reading this post... and am compelled to bump again.


D-Day: 4/6/09, Holy Week
A lasted 7 months.
M 8 years. Together 11 years.
My 2nd M. His 3rd M.
2 kids each - 24, 17, 15, 14
0 kids together
bs 45 (me)
wh 55
ow 51

Posts: 41 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Chicago Suburbs
JustKeepSwimmig
Member
Member # 19269
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, May 22nd (Friday)

Bump


Mr. JKS - EA/PA
DDay - April 2008

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Canada
SuspiciousWife
Member
Member # 18108
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 28th (Thursday)

bump


Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

Posts: 557 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: East Coast
Hell a fury
New Member
Member # 24115
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, May 28th (Thursday)

Thank-you. Wish I'd read this sooner, before acting like a hot head.

Posts: 42 | Registered: May 2009
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, June 6th (Saturday)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, June 9th (Tuesday)


Posts: 11868 | Registered: Mar 2008
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, June 21st (Sunday)

Bumping


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs or maybe 7yrs.
Me: BS, still young. Him, WS, old
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee stalker.
3 grown boys and one 20y/o
"There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after."

Posts: 3755 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, June 21st (Sunday)

Bumping...

Posts: 814 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
jmac525
Member
Member # 24204
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, June 21st (Sunday)

I copied it as a word document so that I can read it when I need to get my head on straight. Very good advice and easy to understand, Thank you!


BS 37
WS 37
Married 18 years
Two children 12 & 18
D Day May 1,09
WS moved out May 5,09
I am hoping for R, but WW refuses and says it is not possible, she's "IN LOVE" I refuse to give up hope!
6-24-09,I really no longer want her back

Posts: 88 | Registered: May 2009
marvalon
Member
Member # 23324
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, June 21st (Sunday)

That's a great post. I am ready for all this. I have started some of this and will soon see a lawyer. I am going to stop his engagement in my financial affairs, which will make him blow his stack. He likes using all the write offs from my business, but I will be filing separate tax returns as long as this is going on. I don't trust his financial judgment anyway. He also wants money from me monthly. That's stopping. He has bought OW flowers on different occasions, and probably things I am not aware of. I am keeping your checklist handy as a reminder.


The most important person in your life is you. The person who you love the most in the world should be you! Why not? Who better than you?
Ayn Rand

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2009
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, June 25th (Thursday)

bumping for the new ones.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD16 and DS19
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7989 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
SuspiciousWife
Member
Member # 18108
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, July 2nd (Thursday)

another bump


Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

Posts: 557 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: East Coast
Dust Bunny
Member
Member # 2066
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, July 7th (Tuesday)

Bump


FBW married 30 years to RFWH
(ps... F=former :P)

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the progress he(or she) does not become a monster."
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3245 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Louisiana
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, July 11th (Saturday)

bump


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1328 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
tractorgirl
Member
Member # 21226
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, July 13th (Monday)

bumping yet again. there are so many new people on here all the time!!


BS=me, late 30's
FWH=him, early 40's
Married 15 years
OW=19 yrs old
2 boys: 12 & 9, wonderful!!
Reconciling

Posts: 1368 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: nebraska
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, July 30th (Thursday)

bump


Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we'll ever do. ~ Brenť Brown

Posts: 12532 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartofTexas
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, August 4th (Tuesday)

bump to page one


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
jewel123
Member
Member # 22863
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, August 11th (Tuesday)

bump


BS me 44
H 46 (paulie)
married 25 years (hs sweethearts)
dday 8-08
DS19
DS23
New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth. -Thomas Hardy
Reconciled! :)

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: MO
JustKeepSwimmig
Member
Member # 19269
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, August 23rd (Sunday)

bump


Mr. JKS - EA/PA
DDay - April 2008

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Canada
mscuteone
Member
Member # 25223
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, August 24th (Monday)

great advice

Posts: 117 | Registered: Aug 2009
JustKeepSwimmig
Member
Member # 19269
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, August 26th (Wednesday)

bump


Mr. JKS - EA/PA
DDay - April 2008

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Canada
jolene
Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 4:13 AM, August 27th (Thursday)

^^^^


Divorced 10/2013! Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
willthiseverend
Member
Member # 25107
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, September 5th (Saturday)

Bumping for Chloe


Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.


Posts: 454 | Registered: Aug 2009
willthiseverend
Member
Member # 25107
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, September 11th (Friday)

Bumping this


Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.


Posts: 454 | Registered: Aug 2009
mom_of_twins
Member
Member # 25084
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 11th (Friday)

thanks! I was looking for it and couldn't find it.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Canada
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, September 12th (Saturday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, September 14th (Monday)

Bump

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, September 19th (Saturday)


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, September 20th (Sunday)

bump


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, September 26th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 11868 | Registered: Mar 2008
punky
Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, September 26th (Saturday)

The best JFO post ever.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11307 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, September 30th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, October 1st (Thursday)

bump


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, October 7th (Wednesday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, October 20th (Tuesday)

bump.....for the new folks!!!

bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)

Bump


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26049 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
SourCherryDrops
Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, November 2nd (Monday)

May i take this bump?


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
quedagh
Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, November 2nd (Monday)

To the top


It may not define you but it sure as hell will affect how you think for the rest of your life.


Posts: 886 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Intermountain West
lostsuol
Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday)

So good for all of us...

Posts: 814 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lyndee
Member
Member # 22802
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, November 15th (Sunday)

Bumping for JustL.


Me (BS)
Him (WS)
Reconciling

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2009
lookslikeaduck
Member
Member # 12103
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, November 26th (Thursday)


BS oct 2009 ..... never make someone your priority if they only make you a option

Posts: 374 | Registered: Sep 2006
lookslikeaduck
Member
Member # 12103
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, November 29th (Sunday)

bumping again so we keep it up front for new folks


BS oct 2009 ..... never make someone your priority if they only make you a option

Posts: 374 | Registered: Sep 2006
lookslikeaduck
Member
Member # 12103
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, December 3rd (Thursday)

BUMPY duck :)


BS oct 2009 ..... never make someone your priority if they only make you a option

Posts: 374 | Registered: Sep 2006
SuspiciousWife
Member
Member # 18108
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, December 7th (Monday)

bump


Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

Posts: 557 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: East Coast
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, December 13th (Sunday)

Bump for Clean Slate

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Mobilejoe
Member
Member # 26438
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, December 13th (Sunday)

This is a awesome post, Thanks

Posts: 65 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Maryland
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, December 14th (Monday)

bump.


Me: BS/40
Him: WS/38
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 15 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1776 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
slowlymending
Member
Member # 26454
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, December 14th (Monday)

bump for newbies


BW-me

Slowlymending....

Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke


Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2009
oldtimer97
Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)

Bumping to 1st page for MSN newbies.


ďWhen someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.Ē

― Maya Angelou


Posts: 3375 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
Dagny07
Member
Member # 16928
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)

bump


Me:BW Him: FWH E/A
M: 30 years, together 37 : both guilty of PAs 20+ years ago
CDay#1 Oct 06 (false); DDay#2 Oct 07 (truth from OW's BH)
R: Tenaciously optimistic

Posts: 862 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
slowlymending
Member
Member # 26454
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, December 15th (Tuesday)

bump again for newbies


BW-me

Slowlymending....

Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke


Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2009
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, December 15th (Tuesday)

bumpety bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
lost_in_space
Member
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, December 15th (Tuesday)

bump


Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.


Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
JVS3
Member
Member # 20124
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, December 16th (Wednesday)

Bump


Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. - Robert Fulghum

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.


Posts: 409 | Registered: Jul 2008
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, December 16th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, December 16th (Wednesday)

bump


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
JoePike
Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, December 18th (Friday)

bumping Ser's fantastic post for all newcomers. Please read and take the advice of someone much more eloquent than I am.


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term ďmistakeĒ infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
ithurt
New Member
Member # 26752
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, December 18th (Friday)

Thank you.


BW 32
WH 42
Together 11 years, married 7 years.
Affair lasted 6 months, since a few weeks before our second baby was born.
2 children, 5 and 8 mo
D-Day Nov 22, 2009
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3, NIV)

Posts: 43 | Registered: Dec 2009
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, December 19th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, December 19th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, December 19th (Saturday)

bumping again

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, December 19th (Saturday)

bumping for new member

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, December 20th (Sunday)

bumping again.

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, December 21st (Monday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, December 23rd (Wednesday)

bumpety bump again

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, December 25th (Friday)

Bump bump.

Merry Christmas everyone!


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 27 and 32
2 Daughters 30, 26 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4894 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, December 29th (Tuesday)

Bump for Empty

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, December 29th (Tuesday)

Bump for Sienna

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Sienna4
Member
Member # 26976
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, December 29th (Tuesday)

thank you.

Posts: 64 | Registered: Dec 2009
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, December 30th (Wednesday)

bump for brokenhearted.

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, December 30th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Balancing Act
Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, December 30th (Wednesday)

bump


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, December 31st (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, January 1st (Friday)

bump for somanyyears.

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
crisisrecovery
Member
Member # 26473
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, January 1st (Friday)

Excellent post!


Every day above ground is a good day.

Posts: 291 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Naples, Florida
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, January 2nd (Saturday)

bump for Blossomd.

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
slowlymending
Member
Member # 26454
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, January 3rd (Sunday)

Bumping for newbies and lurkers....and the rest of us!


BW-me

Slowlymending....

Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke


Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2009
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, January 3rd (Sunday)

bumped for bedazzled.

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, January 4th (Monday)

bump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, January 4th (Monday)

bump for Dawg

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, January 5th (Tuesday)

1st page again !


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20458 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
BFForever
Member
Member # 19689
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, January 5th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 88 | Registered: May 2008 | From: South
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, January 5th (Tuesday)

bump again.

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
devtutor
Member
Member # 21134
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, January 5th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 2327 | Registered: Oct 2008
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, January 6th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, January 7th (Thursday)

bump for paddler

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, January 8th (Friday)

newbie bump


I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
showmehowtolive
Member
Member # 27098
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, January 8th (Friday)

I'm sure you're hearing it over and over, but as a new BS, it is helpful. I will make certain to do my best to follow this wisdom!!


Me = BS
Her = WW
Married 30 yr
Dday 9/1994; 1/5/10
2 kids; D 26, S 24

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: CA
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 9th (Saturday)

bump


I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, January 11th (Monday)

bump for Colleen

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, January 13th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
LostbutHopeful
New Member
Member # 27154
Sad  Posted: 8:57 AM, January 14th (Thursday)

Thank you so much for reposting this Primer. It is how I have been trying to approach things so far on my own...it certainly fits how I think and have been trained in my work. But it's so hard not to move towards some of the things I shouldn't do...that will make it harder for my wife to change how she looks at me (since well before she entered into the affair).


BH - 41
WW - 40
D - 6, S - 4
Married 9 1/2 years.
Together almost 12.
DD#1 - 12/12/09
DD#2 - 01/08/10
Start of NC - 01/15/10
DD#3 - 02/15/10
In MC - Both desire to work on R in the hope of saving our relationship and marriage. Giving oursel

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Michigan
2Gullible
Member
Member # 26354
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, January 14th (Thursday)

I think the hardest thing for me here is the boundaries. I keep setting boundaries, but I have never really made him pay for crossing them.

I am working on me. I will get the courage to stand by my boundaries. One minute at a time is all I can take.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2009
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, January 14th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Illinoisgirl
Member
Member # 25686
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, January 15th (Friday)

bump


Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
Reconciling?
D-Day 9-27-09
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt


Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2009
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, January 15th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, January 16th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, January 18th (Monday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, January 20th (Wednesday)

Bump for painpaingoaway


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17119 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, January 21st (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, January 22nd (Friday)

bump for wecanfixthis.

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, January 24th (Sunday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, January 24th (Sunday)

bump


I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, January 25th (Monday)

bump

Posts: 1885 | Registered: Jan 2010
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, February 2nd (Tuesday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, February 5th (Friday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, February 6th (Saturday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, February 7th (Sunday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, February 8th (Monday)

Bumped for TM


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5636 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, February 17th (Wednesday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 18th (Thursday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, February 22nd (Monday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, February 22nd (Monday)

bump.

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, February 23rd (Tuesday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, February 24th (Wednesday)

This provides sanity and hope for the future.


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, February 25th (Thursday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, February 26th (Friday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, March 1st (Monday)

This is a MUST READ for everyone.


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, March 4th (Thursday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
lilac18
Member
Member # 25180
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, March 4th (Thursday)

I've always been curious why this isn't in the Healing Library. It's great info, but sometimes hard to find until it gets bumped.


Me/BW 45
WH 35

DDay 08/09/09
Reconciled

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." Ė Albert Einstein


Posts: 452 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Texas
lilac18
Member
Member # 25180
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, March 5th (Friday)

bump


Me/BW 45
WH 35

DDay 08/09/09
Reconciled

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." Ė Albert Einstein


Posts: 452 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Texas
lilac18
Member
Member # 25180
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, March 7th (Sunday)

bump


Me/BW 45
WH 35

DDay 08/09/09
Reconciled

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." Ė Albert Einstein


Posts: 452 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Texas
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, March 8th (Monday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, March 8th (Monday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, March 12th (Friday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
lilac18
Member
Member # 25180
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, March 12th (Friday)

bump


Me/BW 45
WH 35

DDay 08/09/09
Reconciled

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." Ė Albert Einstein


Posts: 452 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Texas
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, March 15th (Monday)

bump.


Me: BS/40
Him: WS/38
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 15 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1776 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
mplpmom
Member
Member # 27266
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, March 18th (Thursday)

Bump


Me - BW (36)
Him - WH (35)
M - 7 years, together 11
DD - 5, DS - 2
DDay - 12/26/09
R is an on again off again ride and I am starting to feel queasy.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2010
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, March 22nd (Monday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
ThriveNotSurvive
Member
Member # 22093
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 23rd (Tuesday)

bump


Strength, Courage, and Wisdom, it was inside of me all along - India Arie

Some women are Angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick if we have to...cuz we're flexible that way.


Posts: 1582 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Las Vegas
whiteflower99
Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, March 24th (Wednesday)

Bump for new members


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way.


Posts: 2179 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Not Lothlorien
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, March 26th (Friday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, March 27th (Saturday)

btt

Posts: 7255 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 28th (Sunday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
luvbug0915
Member
Member # 22934
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, March 29th (Monday)

***BUMP***
For crisisrecovery


"I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it."-Patti LaBelle


Posts: 1161 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Metro Atlanta
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, March 29th (Monday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, March 29th (Monday)

Maybe this should just get stickied at the top of this forum?


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
katiej
Member
Member # 14724
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, March 29th (Monday)

Bump


First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.
2015: He didn't work hard enough. Back again and this time with a diagnosed SA. Living in the "in between" and not yet leaving due to a number of reasons.

Posts: 494 | Registered: May 2007
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, March 30th (Tuesday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SuspiciousWife
Member
Member # 18108
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, March 31st (Wednesday)

Bumping


Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

Posts: 557 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: East Coast
lilac18
Member
Member # 25180
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, April 4th (Sunday)

bump


Me/BW 45
WH 35

DDay 08/09/09
Reconciled

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." Ė Albert Einstein


Posts: 452 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Texas
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, April 5th (Monday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
fossilburner
Member
Member # 28122
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)

bump


"The love for the AP cannot be real, when all you see are the best of them, in secret moments. You don't see the real person. The love is "romantic love" - not the kind of love that lasts." - Mrs Panda

Posts: 57 | Registered: Apr 2010
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, April 7th (Wednesday)

Bumping for justice


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, April 8th (Thursday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, April 8th (Thursday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, April 9th (Friday)

b ump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
JustKeepSwimmig
Member
Member # 19269
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 11th (Sunday)

bump


Mr. JKS - EA/PA
DDay - April 2008

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Canada
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, April 12th (Monday)

bump for Justice


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
lyndee
Member
Member # 22802
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, April 12th (Monday)

bump


Me (BS)
Him (WS)
Reconciling

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2009
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, April 14th (Wednesday)

bumped for Andie


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, April 15th (Thursday)

bumped for bostonboy


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, April 18th (Sunday)

bumped for newbies


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 19th (Monday)

bumped for crushed


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
deacon33
Member
Member # 19760
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, April 19th (Monday)

bumped for heartsick.


"Lost are only those, who abandon themselves" - Hans-Ulrich Rudel

O Praeclarum Custodem, Ovium Lupum (Cicero)

Happily Divorced


Posts: 433 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New Jersey
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)

bumped for newbies


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
slowlymending
Member
Member # 26454
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, April 24th (Saturday)

Bump for newbies


BW-me

Slowlymending....

Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke


Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2009
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, April 26th (Monday)

Bump for justice, again


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, April 26th (Monday)

Bump for newbies.


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, April 30th (Friday)

bump for newbies


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 2nd (Sunday)

bumped for txgal


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, May 4th (Tuesday)

Bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, May 6th (Thursday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, May 8th (Saturday)


Posts: 7255 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
flowermom
Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 8th (Saturday)

Wish this was requires reading for newbies!!!! Thanks!!!


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, May 15th (Saturday)

Bumpage


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, May 17th (Monday)

bumping for the new hurting ones.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD16 and DS19
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7989 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
lilac18
Member
Member # 25180
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, May 17th (Monday)

bump


Me/BW 45
WH 35

DDay 08/09/09
Reconciled

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." Ė Albert Einstein


Posts: 452 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Texas
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, May 17th (Monday)

bump for newbies


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, May 19th (Wednesday)

bump


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
justbreathe
Member
Member # 13765
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, May 22nd (Saturday)

bump


In times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.
George Orwell


Posts: 432 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Swimming towards inner peace
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 24th (Monday)

bump


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 27 and 32
2 Daughters 30, 26 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4894 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, May 24th (Monday)

How I wish this was here when I first signed up.
Great Job!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25565 | Registered: Sep 2005
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, May 26th (Wednesday)

bump


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
cass
Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, May 30th (Sunday)

bump


DDay - April 2008
Me - 57 and doing great, alone.

When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high - you'll never walk alone.


Posts: 5058 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
AkKat22
Member
Member # 28598
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, May 30th (Sunday)

Thank you, I wish I had the guts to come here a year ago!


Me: BS 46
FWH: 42
D-day: EA/PA 19 June 09
5 Children
M: 20 years
Separated

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2010 | From: North
Karma62
Member
Member # 23320
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, May 31st (Monday)

Thanks SerJR

We are in R... but 1.5 yrs. out is still new to me.


Me: BS 48
Him: FWH 64
Married 19
D-Day # 1 31-10-07 EA?? (Denied!)
D-Day # 2 17-12-08 Full PA both years same OW
OW 37S Neighbour (NC)
Working on R with hope
"You have been Weighed, Measured and you have been Found wanting" -

Posts: 275 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Canada
Lotsa
Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)

Bump

Posts: 881 | Registered: Mar 2010
ThriveNotSurvive
Member
Member # 22093
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, June 6th (Sunday)

bump


Strength, Courage, and Wisdom, it was inside of me all along - India Arie

Some women are Angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick if we have to...cuz we're flexible that way.


Posts: 1582 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Las Vegas
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, June 8th (Tuesday)

bumped for ITSNOTMY FAULT


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
sharonons
Member
Member # 24462
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 8th (Tuesday)

Thanks for bumping this too. I needed to see this again.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: NY
whatdoto
Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 8th (Tuesday)

Thanks for bumping...I really needed to read this again.


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
FindingNolia
Member
Member # 28518
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, June 8th (Tuesday)

tag


married 18 years
separated 7/2010
divorced 11/2011

Posts: 200 | Registered: May 2010
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, June 9th (Wednesday)

bumped for newbies . . .


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 10th (Thursday)

bump.

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, June 11th (Friday)

Bummped for ItIsNotMyFault . . .


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 14th (Monday)

bumpity


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
justbreathe
Member
Member # 13765
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, June 18th (Friday)

Bumped for the bumpy riders.


In times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.
George Orwell


Posts: 432 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Swimming towards inner peace
confused13
Member
Member # 28819
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, June 21st (Monday)

Thanks to all who bumped this up for all us newbies.....


BS-me-30
WH-him-36
Dday-4/30/2010 Almost Sexual
Married-5years
Together-almost 14 years.
Best Friends- 18 years
Kids-daughter 17-his 1st marriage
son-12 1/2-ours
R-dont know
S-8/25/10 mutual

Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb.


Posts: 101 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Georgia
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, June 24th (Thursday)

bump.

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
justbreathe
Member
Member # 13765
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 26th (Saturday)


In times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.
George Orwell


Posts: 432 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Swimming towards inner peace
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, June 28th (Monday)

bumping

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, July 1st (Thursday)

bumping again.

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
lostsuol
Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, July 5th (Monday)

cuz I needed a reminder...

Posts: 814 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)

For the new folks. So sorry you needed us.


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 27 and 32
2 Daughters 30, 26 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4894 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, July 8th (Thursday)

Bumped for the newly broken hearted.


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
CluelessGuy
Member
Member # 28491
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, July 15th (Thursday)

Bump


BH - now 47
Divorced - Nov. 26, 2012

Posts: 594 | Registered: May 2010
HippyQueen
Member
Member # 29055
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, July 15th (Thursday)

Thank you. I'm new to this forum but not to the broken heart. I really needed this.

And bumping to the top.


Update: My husband passed away on 9/21/12. I've been on an emotional roller coaster since.
BS45 (Me)
STBXWH49
M- 2/14/87
2 sons, 19 & 23 YO

3/1/11 - heading for D.
6/4/11 R- Turned out to be false.
7/29/11 another D-day and decision


Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: TX
ob-la-de
Member
Member # 23735
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, July 18th (Sunday)

bump for newbies


Time will tell

Posts: 958 | Registered: Apr 2009
punky
Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 18th (Sunday)

bumping for Songinmyheart.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11307 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
justbreathe
Member
Member # 13765
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 19th (Monday)

Bump


In times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.
George Orwell


Posts: 432 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Swimming towards inner peace
JustKeepSwimmig
Member
Member # 19269
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, July 22nd (Thursday)

bump for any newbies


Mr. JKS - EA/PA
DDay - April 2008

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Canada
SuspiciousWife
Member
Member # 18108
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, July 27th (Tuesday)

bumping


Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

Posts: 557 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: East Coast
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 28th (Wednesday)

bumped for newbies


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
icansurvive
Member
Member # 29166
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, July 28th (Wednesday)

OMG! This was so helpful! I can relate to may of the things touched upon in this post. I'm going to the 180 right after this!


Me- BS 51
WH - 54
Together 11 years
Married 6
Kids - 4 grown adults (2 mine, 2 his)
Grandkids 3 with another one on the way

Posts: 356 | Registered: Jul 2010
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 29th (Thursday)

bumped


"Inactive infidelity: Itís where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, July 30th (Friday)

bump.

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
lostsuol
Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, August 4th (Wednesday)

just because...

Posts: 814 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, August 7th (Saturday)

Bumping for the new people.

Take care of you!


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 27 and 32
2 Daughters 30, 26 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4894 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, August 7th (Saturday)


I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, August 25th (Wednesday)


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, August 28th (Saturday)

- for Awesome


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3210 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
socold
Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, September 10th (Friday)


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2585 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, September 15th (Wednesday)

bump.

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
socold
Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, September 23rd (Thursday)


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2585 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
sherman
Member
Member # 27018
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, September 25th (Saturday)

Bump.


17 years out from Dday, but sometimes I still feel stuck in the Wayback Machine.

Posts: 561 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: South Central US
Nicole5
Member
Member # 17794
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, September 27th (Monday)

bump


divorced my WH on Nov 4, 2011
(see my profile for "the story")


Posts: 338 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: TX
diditagn
Member
Member # 3433
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, September 28th (Tuesday)

Bump


Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.

Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: WI
ppldontchange
Member
Member # 29703
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, September 29th (Wednesday)

Thank you for taking time to post this.


BW 37 (me); WH 39(him)
Daughters 9 & 17 prev. marriage (me)
Married 5/2010
TT d-day 9/5/10 & 10/1/10
Status: Reconciled

Posts: 218 | Registered: Sep 2010
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, October 8th (Friday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, October 10th (Sunday)

Bumping for all the new people here.

Take care of you. Eat. Sleep. Talk to your physicians about medication. Exercise.

You will get through.


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 27 and 32
2 Daughters 30, 26 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4894 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
CanISurvive
Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 3:39 AM, October 11th (Monday)

Bump


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
CryingGreenEyes
Member
Member # 24753
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, October 11th (Monday)

I read this over every once in awhile to remind me of what I need to do should my FWH make the choice to have another A. It is very, VERY valuable advice.


"The truth shall set you free... but first it's really gonna piss you off!"
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house you can never tell."

Posts: 1576 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: United States
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, October 15th (Friday)

bumpity bump


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
CanISurvive
Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, October 20th (Wednesday)

Bump #2.


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
hopefully
Member
Member # 29906
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, October 22nd (Friday)

Dear Serjr,

I am new but have but most of this into place already and I fully intend on using this as my plan of action. This post is perfect for all but especially us Newbies Thank You


Me:42
fWW:38
Kids 3 - 5, 11, 14
DDay : 10/16/2010

Posts: 70 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: New Jersey
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, October 26th (Tuesday)

Buuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmpppppp!


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
WHATDOIDONEXT
Member
Member # 29937
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, October 31st (Sunday)

bump for newbies


DDay Sept 12th 2010.
BW 47.
FWH 46 (Penitent95).
Married 5 years
2 DS's 1 & 3 years old.
2 SDD 17 & 19 years old.

As a phoenix rises from the ashes I to shall rise from embers that were once my old life.I shall rise anew. Stronger, wiser.


Posts: 195 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: UK
knockedsideways
Member
Member # 29859
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, November 1st (Monday)

How do you 'Bump"?
Does that mean put it to the front of the forum?
Good article serj.
Never before in my life did I feel so flattened and now this site has given me the strength ( as well as a rock of a friend) to get through this and pick up the pieces of a shattered heart


Me: BW (46)
Him : (F)WH (46)
D-Day 8th June 2010
23years of M (25 together)
2 teenagers

Posts: 166 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Europe
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
knockedsideways
Member
Member # 29859
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday)

bump


Me: BW (46)
Him : (F)WH (46)
D-Day 8th June 2010
23years of M (25 together)
2 teenagers

Posts: 166 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Europe
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday)

newbie bump


I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
tsol25
Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, November 7th (Sunday)

Bump


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 7th (Sunday)

bump


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, November 8th (Monday)

Bumpin' baby I'm a bumpin dude bumpin oh yeah, bumpin


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3748 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, November 8th (Monday)

Bump


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 6053 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, November 10th (Wednesday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, November 10th (Wednesday)

I am new to the forum, but haave been lurking for quite some time. I want to say thanks already to SerJr, ThriveNotSurvive, Fallen, Wincing, Cee64D and many others you all have great wisdom... I hope I can use all this information and repair my life.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 1:28 PM, November 10th (Wednesday)]


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, November 10th (Wednesday)

sorry for the repost! Just learning here

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 1:24 PM, November 10th (Wednesday)]


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, November 11th (Thursday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1285 | Registered: Apr 2009
bigpicture3236
Member
Member # 27861
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, November 14th (Sunday)

bump


If you love something and hurt it dearly, then chose not to fix it...you never deserved it in the first place.

Posts: 3603 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Michigan
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, November 15th (Monday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, November 16th (Tuesday)

Bumpin Serjr's wisdom for the newbies


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, November 17th (Wednesday)

bump


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3748 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, November 22nd (Monday)

Bump....for abyss.

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Dagny07
Member
Member # 16928
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, November 24th (Wednesday)

Bumping


Me:BW Him: FWH E/A
M: 30 years, together 37 : both guilty of PAs 20+ years ago
CDay#1 Oct 06 (false); DDay#2 Oct 07 (truth from OW's BH)
R: Tenaciously optimistic

Posts: 862 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
SuspiciousWife
Member
Member # 18108
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, November 27th (Saturday)

bumping again!


Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

Posts: 557 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: East Coast
socold
Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, December 4th (Saturday)

b


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2585 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
socold
Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, December 7th (Tuesday)

u


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2585 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
socold
Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, December 10th (Friday)

m


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2585 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, December 12th (Sunday)

p


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs or maybe 7yrs.
Me: BS, still young. Him, WS, old
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee stalker.
3 grown boys and one 20y/o
"There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after."

Posts: 3755 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, December 12th (Sunday)

bumpity bump bump


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3748 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, December 20th (Monday)

bump


Me: BW Him: who cares
Divorced: 4/2015
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
Who knows how many affairs at this point
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4722 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
tammyjean100
Member
Member # 28159
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday)

bump


You can't overcome anything without facing it. Betty Ford

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Capital District, New York
september7
Member
Member # 29929
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, December 25th (Saturday)

Bump. Thank you for this positive topic. I feel better already.


D-Day September 7, 2010
NC ended December 22, 2010 and I kicked him OUT! WH dumps OW July 2, 2011 and wants to R! Now he has been living with me in not the best circumstances, but we're paying for medical school for one kid and college the other.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Florida
Sofia58
Member
Member # 30415
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, December 27th (Monday)

Great advice. Thanks.


D-Day: 12/12/10
BS - 55, female
WS - 57, male
Married 15 years, together 18

"Forgive: sounds good. Forget: I don't think I could. They say, 'Time heals everything' but I'm still waiting."


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2010
cass
Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, December 29th (Wednesday)

bumping


DDay - April 2008
Me - 57 and doing great, alone.

When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high - you'll never walk alone.


Posts: 5058 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, December 29th (Wednesday)

Up it goes !


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20458 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
4myheart
Member
Member # 21015
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, December 30th (Thursday)

Bump so many people need it


"Have you ever been so lost.... Known the way and still so lost." Katy Perry

Posts: 551 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: I da ho....... no she da ho!!!
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, January 1st (Saturday)

Bump it for New Years fallout.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20458 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Sofia58
Member
Member # 30415
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 3rd (Monday)

Bump!


D-Day: 12/12/10
BS - 55, female
WS - 57, male
Married 15 years, together 18

"Forgive: sounds good. Forget: I don't think I could. They say, 'Time heals everything' but I'm still waiting."


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2010
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, January 4th (Tuesday)

Another bump.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
momma3times
Member
Member # 30092
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, January 5th (Wednesday)

Bump it!! Great sound advice!!


Me: BS (37 yrs.)
Him: FWS (39 yrs.) EA via emails and phone calls that lasted 2-3 months.
Married 13 yrs, together for 19 yrs.
2 DDs (ages 9 and 5), 1 DS (3)
DDay 1/13/2010 (while I was 9 months pregnant!). Confronted him on 3/21/11

Posts: 76 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Southern part of Missouri
why why
New Member
Member # 30624
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, January 5th (Wednesday)

thank you very helpful

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2011
why why
New Member
Member # 30624
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, January 5th (Wednesday)

thank you very helpful

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2011
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, January 10th (Monday)

Bump!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs or maybe 7yrs.
Me: BS, still young. Him, WS, old
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee stalker.
3 grown boys and one 20y/o
"There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after."

Posts: 3755 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Thelonious
Member
Member # 30683
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, January 10th (Monday)

Likely, they will shift the blame for their choices onto you or the marriage, rewrite the marital history, exaggerate trivial issues, and engage in lies and deceit to lessen their guilt and justify their actions.

Oh man. This is the story of my last three months. She has said this stuff so often that I think she has come to believe it herself.


Me: 57
WS: 45
No kids
Together 8 years, living together for 4
D-Day: September 28, 2010
Separation: October 5, 2010

Posts: 208 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Canada
letmego
Member
Member # 30381
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, January 13th (Thursday)

bump


As of Oct, 2010:
BW(me) 35; WH 36; employee OW 21 Together 18 years, married 9 (onlies..until OW)
DD 3, DS 7;
D-day 7/2010
D Final Nov 30, 2011

Posts: 650 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: FL
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, January 18th (Tuesday)

bump for new member in General

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
reallyscrewedup7
Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, January 18th (Tuesday)

Bump for IMDying


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, January 19th (Wednesday)

bump


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, January 20th (Thursday)

bump (which moves it to the top of the forum again)


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, January 21st (Friday)

Bump for Iris0127 and other newbees.


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
hurttothebone
Member
Member # 30767
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, January 22nd (Saturday)

Bump. Still gotta find They affair down.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, January 24th (Monday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
hurttothebone
Member
Member # 30767
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, January 24th (Monday)

bump

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, January 25th (Tuesday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
isthisforreal
Member
Member # 30926
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, January 26th (Wednesday)

(From this stage forward you will want to bring a new approach to your communication and interaction with your wayward partner and anyone else that knows. You will still be connected to your partner but you want to have your feelings, thoughts, and actions under control. Speak the truth, directly and with quiet assertiveness and let your silence speak volumes. Be calm, steady, and in control with both your voice and your body. This technique carries power because it comes from your centre and illustrates your dignity and confidence.)

This was the best advice I was given by a dear friend who also experinced an A in her marriage. The thing she regretted most about the confrontation was acting like a crazy woman. Before I confronted WH with my evidence of his betrayal, I very calmly told him "I KNEW" about the cheating. Told him what I knew, and here it all is in black and white. It was almost like I was having an out of body experience, and I think my centered calmness scared the crap out of him. Snapped him out of his insanity fog right quick.


BW me 47
WH him 52
married 24 years
DD 9/15/10
3 incredible teenage daughters
"it only hurts when I breathe"

Posts: 267 | Registered: Jan 2011
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, January 26th (Wednesday)

bump for fraeuken and all newbies!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4429 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 28th (Friday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, January 29th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Trying2Survive2
Member
Member # 25758
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, January 29th (Saturday)

What a wonderful post. Lots of work was put into this to help the newbies.
Thanks so much for your effort...

Last but not least..
"BUMP"


Faithful Wife ME 52
FWH 47
DDAY #1 1/11/09 EA Online ONLY (NC)
DDAY #2 6/2010 Admitted PA with the same PIG(12/08)
"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness"

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: USA
southsidecali
Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, January 29th (Saturday)

need to reread this often!!!

Posts: 989 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, January 29th (Saturday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, January 31st (Monday)

bump


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, February 4th (Friday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, February 4th (Friday)

bump


Me: BW Him: who cares
Divorced: 4/2015
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
Who knows how many affairs at this point
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4722 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, February 6th (Sunday)

Bump for the new folks!

You will survive this!


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 27 and 32
2 Daughters 30, 26 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4894 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, February 7th (Monday)

Bump


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid. 1 on the way.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Nov 2010
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, February 9th (Wednesday)


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, February 11th (Friday)

bump.

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, February 12th (Saturday)

bumperfragilisticexpialidocious


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, February 14th (Monday)

Bumping again


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, February 17th (Thursday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, February 19th (Saturday)


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, February 21st (Monday)

bump


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, February 24th (Thursday)


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, February 26th (Saturday)


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, February 28th (Monday)


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, March 3rd (Thursday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, March 5th (Saturday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, March 7th (Monday)

bump


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
bent44
Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, March 7th (Monday)

Argh....and thank you! Sometimes this is all so hard to make sensee of, and your consice list really helped.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 733 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, March 11th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, March 15th (Tuesday)

Bump for SadCat22


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, March 19th (Saturday)

volley


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, March 23rd (Wednesday)

Bumping for our newer members.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, March 25th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, March 29th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
HigherGround
Member
Member # 31644
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)

A good read, it sounds like i fall into the No Contact category which is pretty much what I'm doing and only a month from DDay. I wish i had seen this sooner, my first reaction to the affair was to kick him out but I gave him too much power back after we'd had our first discussion and I'd told him he had a choice to make. I should have stayed more in control and used some of the Tactics discussed here, however I'm really not sure it would have made any difference to where i am now, with the exception that I'd have kept my power from the start instead of reclaiming it 3 weeks in.


Me: BW
Him: WH
2nd Marriage 6 years together for 7. D-Day in Feb 2011.
*DD1 almost 3 yr old, Quad Spastic CP, Complex Seizure Disorder.
*DD2 6 month old bundle of wonder.
*seperated - some good days; some not so good days.

Posts: 610 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, April 2nd (Saturday)


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
BetrayedWife7
Member
Member # 31728
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, April 3rd (Sunday)

This Tactical Primer is just amazing and should be required reading of anyone just entering the world of Surviving Infidelity. Great job!


Me - B/W 42
Him - W/S 43
Married - 20 years
5 Children
D-Day - August 5 & 26, 2010

Posts: 62 | Registered: Apr 2011
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, April 10th (Sunday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Pocketdialed
Member
Member # 31687
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, April 10th (Sunday)

I'm glad this finally got bumped up so I caught it. Better late than never. Thanks!

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2011
Rowdy12
New Member
Member # 31822
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, April 11th (Monday)

Dear SerJR, Thank you for the Tactical Primer. I do have a question though. What if I think we're past this point, he's given up the OW and has given me access to ALL e-mail and phone accounts? Should I still be doing the 180 (so difficult)? When can I go back to being my loving and caring self? I know it's still early (DD#1 2-23-11 DD#2FD 3-15-11) but I think we're in the reconcilliation (RD 3-20-11) stage?


Rowdy12
DD#1 2-23-11 DD#2FD 3-15-11 R-Date 3-20-11

Posts: 45 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, April 13th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, April 15th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, April 16th (Saturday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, April 18th (Monday)


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
jpm0rgan
Member
Member # 31287
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, April 19th (Tuesday)


Bump. Looks as though theres a few WTF just happend? folks just joining that need to read this.


JP
D-Day- 2/18/11
Me BS 40
Her WS 38
Married 5 years
2 Wonderful Girls

Posts: 137 | Registered: Feb 2011
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, April 21st (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, April 26th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Thinkingtoomuch
Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, April 27th (Wednesday)

I have read the Tactical Primer. Haven't given up completely yet on R but working towards it.

My ex fiance of 8 yrs. is still in the fog of 1+ yr. A. He is now living 600 mi. away altho, OW has condo 150 mi.away and the 600 mi.

He got all remorseful with me and was talking "maybe R-thinking about it", 2 weekends (3?) in a row when she broke up with him and then was out of touch for 2-3 days in a row.

So when he calls he sounds all down, knows he'd be making a commitment to me if he moved back here. But the down is really because he's upset she is out of contact and he's sad and upset and freaking out.

I don't answer the phone for a couple days when he calls. I've done 180 since the beginning. But since we're not married, I don't feel like I have any leverage or right to tell him to stop the A, or to tell his friends what has happened. I found out about the A 6.5 weeks ago.

By the way, he only calls me on Fri. or the weekend, not during the week. Just a couple months ago and for the whole engagement 8 years he called every day.He loves to talk. So he must be talking to her everyday still. I figure he's getting his feeling connected/cared for needs met from me when she's not available.

Easter Sunday he mentioned R again. I told him he needed to stop contact with her. That it was like an addiction and that talking to an IC could help. He actually agreed. But he probably won't cuz of the FOG.

So any ideas about what to do if you're not legally married,no financial or legal backup,but had a loving joined at the hip relationship before? 1+yr is a long time for an A and it really ruined our relationship for that time and put me in a bad light. Hence there are those negative memories he has of us while he deliberatly set me up. It does feel helpless but am trying to stay positive.

I am at the point after all my pain and reading so many posts of just letting them have ea. other. But there's still that piece of that says 'maybe, just maybe...'

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 8:04 AM, April 27th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 881 | Registered: Apr 2011
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, April 29th (Friday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 6th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
broken~soul
Member
Member # 32029
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, May 6th (Friday)

That is VERY HELPFUL information for Newbies! Thank you


BS- me
WH- in denial
d-day #1 2000- no confession...
d-day #2 2011- discovered still in contact with OW #1, still no confession...
d-day #3 In the works- just come to my senses and figured out that there is possibly OC in the mix now.

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2011
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, May 7th (Saturday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
seeker2010
Member
Member # 31552
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, May 9th (Monday)

Can this have a sticky or tack applied to it so it stays at the top? I didn't find it until just today. I could have used a lot of this information before. Thanks!

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2011
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 11th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, May 14th (Saturday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, May 17th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, May 21st (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, May 25th (Wednesday)

Bump


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, May 26th (Thursday)

bumped by request!

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
LAFA
Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 27th (Friday)

Bump.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, May 28th (Saturday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, June 6th (Monday)

bump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, June 13th (Monday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 15th (Wednesday)

bump


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4429 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, June 15th (Wednesday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
SuspiciousWife
Member
Member # 18108
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, June 17th (Friday)

Bumping


Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

Posts: 557 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: East Coast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, June 20th (Monday)

bumpety bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
NoNoNo
Member
Member # 31091
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, June 20th (Monday)

Bloody Marvellous!
Thanks so much. I agree it should be in the healing library and always on page 1. Am pasting it into Word for my perusal as I work through the steps.

Thanks!


Me: BW
DD: 7 Jan 2011
OW: Former friend of a friend. Betrayed me on many levels.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: South UK
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, June 23rd (Thursday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, June 29th (Wednesday)

bump


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid. 1 on the way.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Nov 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 30th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 2nd (Saturday)

bumping


Me: BW Him: who cares
Divorced: 4/2015
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
Who knows how many affairs at this point
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4722 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 7th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 10th (Sunday)

bump


BH-48
WW-46
2 boys-19 & 21(special needs)
Married 23yrs.(together 28yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Plenty
Acceptance the Marriage is over: 7/2/14
Heading for D


Posts: 2628 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 11th (Monday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, July 13th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, July 18th (Monday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 21st (Thursday)


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 21st (Thursday)


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, July 21st (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, July 23rd (Saturday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, July 27th (Wednesday)


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
bumbed
Member
Member # 31024
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, July 29th (Friday)

bump for the new


I rather suspect like all the worst things in life, making sense of it will not happen.


25 year relationship D day 1/28/11
The we door is closed but the ME doors are opening


Posts: 471 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: a better place in Michiagn
MrsSprky99
Member
Member # 32895
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, July 29th (Friday)

This is a truly WONDERFUL post....thank you so much for taking the time to share it with all of us!


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 53
Married - 14 years
3 Children - 25, 24 from first relationship & 10 y/o with WH
D-Day: June 11, 2011

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Northern IL
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, August 3rd (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, August 5th (Friday)


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, August 7th (Sunday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 11th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
NewTurn
Member
Member # 26399
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, August 11th (Thursday)

bump


BW-45
DDay too many to count! Many false R till final DDay Dec 5 2008
Divorced Feb 2009

Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results!


Posts: 51 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Tx
whyme80
Member
Member # 32418
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, August 13th (Saturday)

Just read this again. Everyone here should really read it on a daily basis...

Posts: 292 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ireland
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, August 14th (Sunday)


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, August 20th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, August 23rd (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, August 24th (Wednesday)

For (((exhaustedmum)))


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, August 25th (Thursday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, August 29th (Monday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, August 30th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Painfool
Member
Member # 33227
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, August 31st (Wednesday)

Thank you x


Married 11 years, together 14.
1 child, aged 8.
XWS (34)
Me (32)
D-day 11/08/11
Attempted R and ALMOST made it
D April 2015

Almost doesn't count.


Posts: 1899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: United Kingdom
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, September 3rd (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
HeavyE
Member
Member # 19333
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, September 5th (Monday)

Bump


You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Me Tarzan
Her Jane

D-Day 4/14/08


Posts: 9561 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Birthplace of America's Music
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 6th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
nowiknow23
Moderator
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, September 8th (Thursday)

bump


You can call me NIK

"The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it." - Brene Brown


Posts: 35346 | Registered: Aug 2011
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, September 9th (Friday)

Bump


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, September 12th (Monday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
bumbed
Member
Member # 31024
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, September 13th (Tuesday)

bump


I rather suspect like all the worst things in life, making sense of it will not happen.


25 year relationship D day 1/28/11
The we door is closed but the ME doors are opening


Posts: 471 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: a better place in Michiagn
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, September 15th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, September 19th (Monday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Will-I-Ever-Know
Member
Member # 32703
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, September 22nd (Thursday)

bump


Me BS: 26
Him FWH: 28
Together: 6 years

DDay #1 June 2010
Full blown 6 month long PA: OW was his 2nd Girlfriend.
Many DDays & TT for the rest of this year!
In R. :)

WARNING: I am long-winded. Sorry in advance. :)


Posts: 159 | Registered: Jul 2011
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, September 23rd (Friday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, September 30th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
cass
Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, October 2nd (Sunday)

bumping for newbies


DDay - April 2008
Me - 57 and doing great, alone.

When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high - you'll never walk alone.


Posts: 5058 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
flower0ne
Member
Member # 28354
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, October 3rd (Monday)

..


FWS: Him 39
BS: Me 37
OW: Bitchface 22 (his bosses sister/SIL)
DD: Second week of January '10
A was approximately 6 months and ended late February.

Posts: 544 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Chicago
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, October 6th (Thursday)

bumping for a newbie


He's not an Ex, he's a why

Posts: 6030 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
openedupmyeyes
Member
Member # 27871
Exclaimation  Posted: 2:33 PM, October 7th (Friday)

Bumped 4 the newbee's!


Me:55 BS
Him:55 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:37
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 770 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 10th (Monday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, October 12th (Wednesday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, October 15th (Saturday)

bump


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 27 and 32
2 Daughters 30, 26 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4894 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, October 15th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, October 22nd (Saturday)

bump


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 27 and 32
2 Daughters 30, 26 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4894 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, October 26th (Wednesday)

bump


Me (BS), Him (WH): mid-50's
3 DS: 21, 20, 17
M: 27 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 32
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen

Posts: 4513 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, October 31st (Monday)

bump!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4429 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
GK109
Member
Member # 33680
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 31st (Monday)

Thank you for bumping. I was wondering what/ where this was.

Posts: 64 | Registered: Oct 2011
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, November 1st (Tuesday)


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, November 3rd (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Still_hurting_KB
New Member
Member # 33771
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, November 5th (Saturday)

WOW - great information, I wish I would have see this last year .... this would have been a good Cliff Notes to the 100 books on my Amazon Kindle lol.


BS: Me 38
WS: him 38
D day 11/11/10

Posts: 10 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Lancaster PA
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, November 11th (Friday)


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, November 18th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, November 24th (Thursday)

bumping


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 27 and 32
2 Daughters 30, 26 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4894 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, November 29th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Lost and Betraye
Member
Member # 33988
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, November 30th (Wednesday)

Good one for newbies.


Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft


Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CA
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, December 1st (Thursday)

Bump again for struggling_male.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid. 1 on the way.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Nov 2010
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, December 6th (Tuesday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Lost and Betraye
Member
Member # 33988
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, December 6th (Tuesday)

bump


Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft


Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CA
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, December 9th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
emptyheart
Member
Member # 18873
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, December 11th (Sunday)

bump


Me - BW, Him - WH
2 great kids that are my reason for living.
1st D-Day - March 28, 2008
False R for a year
2nd D-Day - April 11, 2009

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Mar 2008
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, December 11th (Sunday)

bump


Me (BW) (56), Him(SAWH) (59)
Married 23 years, 1 son (20), 1 stepdaughter (28)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1630 | Registered: Nov 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, December 12th (Monday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, December 16th (Friday)


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, December 17th (Saturday)


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 27 and 32
2 Daughters 30, 26 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4894 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Lost and Betraye
Member
Member # 33988
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, December 19th (Monday)

bump


Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft


Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CA
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, December 22nd (Thursday)

bump.

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, December 31st (Saturday)

bump

Happy New Year!


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 27 and 32
2 Daughters 30, 26 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4894 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, January 5th (Thursday)


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, January 9th (Monday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, January 13th (Friday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5636 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, January 15th (Sunday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, January 17th (Tuesday)

bump


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 18th (Wednesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, January 20th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, January 23rd (Monday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, January 24th (Tuesday)

bump


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, January 26th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, January 29th (Sunday)


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 27 and 32
2 Daughters 30, 26 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4894 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, February 2nd (Thursday)


Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, February 7th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, February 10th (Friday)

bump


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 6053 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
LisaP
Member
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, February 12th (Sunday)

bump


Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown


Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, February 15th (Wednesday)


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, February 22nd (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
the_goat
New Member
Member # 33916
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, February 22nd (Wednesday)

OP is still great advice


Her--WW, OM a coworker. Both got fired for it
Me--BH
I love my wife, but I don't know if I can continue like this...

Posts: 19 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: NC
sandy78
Member
Member # 34958
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, March 1st (Thursday)

Thank you for this...I feel like I need to keep reading it over and over and over again.


Me: 34
WH: 35
DS: Born 11/2011
D-Day: 2/26/2012
Divorcing...

If someone wants to be with you, there's nothing you can do to make them go. If someone doesn't want to be with you, there's nothing you can do to make them stay.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Feb 2012
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, March 2nd (Friday)

bump

Posts: 44515 | Registered: Mar 2011
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, March 3rd (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 44515 | Registered: Mar 2011
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, March 7th (Wednesday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, March 10th (Saturday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
quedagh
Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, March 21st (Wednesday)


It may not define you but it sure as hell will affect how you think for the rest of your life.


Posts: 886 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Intermountain West
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 27th (Tuesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, March 30th (Friday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, April 2nd (Monday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 44515 | Registered: Mar 2011
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, April 8th (Sunday)


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)

bump


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1333 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 11th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
DixieDiamondfly
Member
Member # 34830
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)

The worst thing you can do is to do nothing. Your wayward spouse will see this as passive approval of what they're doing and it will embolden them to continue their behaviour. Worst of all though... it is giving up your power to chose

Thank you for this information SerJR. It is really eye opening. I find myself in the place of feeling as though I'm doing nothing. I've told WS to do a few things and he has done them. I've asked a question here and there and he has answered. But, I almost feel as though I'm the one sweeping things under the rug. I think I've been in denial. Dday was Feb 8th. Confrontation day was Feb 24th. I have really taken time in the last couple of days to read posts on this forum and boy, have I learned a lot. I thought we were in Reconciliation mode, but now I don't think we're there yet.
There is an added dimension to this mess of ours...we are dealing with verbal and emotional abuse as well (which I also confronted him with on Confrontation day--he said he had no clue that he was doing it--he starts counseling for that a tomorrow)
Anyway, I know I have to make some serious moves to get this ball rolling. The fact is that I hate confrontation, and of course the abuse dynamic changes things a little bit. But it can't be swept under the rug! I just need some wisdom and guidance...and prayer. Any suggestions?


BS: Me, 56 yrs. young
WS: Him, 59 yo...STBX
KIDS: 32 yo son, 30 yo son, 24 yo daughter...and three wonderful grandsons and a beautiful granddaughter.
Married 33 yrs.
D-Day #1: 2/8/12
D-Day #2: 7/16/2012
D-Day #3: 3/29/2015
Divorcing

Posts: 179 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Gulf Coast
Magda08
New Member
Member # 35211
Evil  Posted: 9:00 PM, April 12th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 44 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: US
Magda08
New Member
Member # 35211
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, April 13th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 44 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: US
lost2012
Member
Member # 35325
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, April 13th (Friday)

thank you so much for this great advice. I have a question. My spouse when confronted by the affair immediately went to a lawyer and filed for a legal separation. Now he wants to set up date nights, sleep in the same bed, basically act as if nothing has happended, yet he has already taken our kids to look for townhouses for the bachelor pad he will live in. My question is what boundaries should I set, as I don't know if I can trust him and am afraid this is just to manipulate me. He wants me to see his lawyer. I know not to. he set up a first counseling apt for tomorrow even though I begged him to 1 month a go when I found out and before he filed.


Dday- March 1, 2012
M 17 years
EA? 4 years
2 boys ages 10 and 12
Divorced- 12/17/2012

Posts: 124 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, April 15th (Sunday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Magda08
New Member
Member # 35211
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, April 16th (Monday)

bump again for the newbies!

Posts: 44 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: US
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, April 20th (Friday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, April 25th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, April 27th (Friday)


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
ERNightNurse
New Member
Member # 35337
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, April 27th (Friday)

Reconciliation:

Should the affair end and the wayward spouse return to the marriage, reconciliation will be a difficult road to travel. You will know that your spouse is committed when they:
- Take responsibility for their choices and actions (without blaming you).
- Recognise the pain you were made to suffer because of their choices and are remorseful and empathetic for you (not just feeling sorry for themselves).
- Set up plans to ensure that this doesn't happen again. This includes no contact with the affair partner or other potential partners and taking measures such as blocking them from phone/email access, constructing a No Contact Letter, commitment to finding another job if appropriate, and so forth.
- Are 100% honest and transparent and willing to answer any questions and provide any information to rebuild the trust. This includes giving you access to the tools of the affair such as emails, phone, etc in order to verify their compliance.
- Are actively trying to make amends to the marriage.

You will have both built up walls to protect yourselves. Those same walls will prevent you from connecting emotionally. They have to be taken down very carefully. Some tips for successful reconciliation include:
- Avoid spending too much time together to try and force recovery.
- Donít just try to move forward and forget Ė this issue must be addressed although not the exclusion of everyday life.
- Avoid bringing up the affair repeatedly for anything not related to the affair, and do not belittle your spouse.
- Exhibit trust to the wayward partner only where trustworthiness has been shown. Continue to monitor the wayward partners activities to ensure the affair is over.
- Do spend more time together

doing things that you both enjoy.
- Do seek professional counseling.
- Do ensure that you try to meet their emotional needs and not engage in destructive behaviours or habits.

Wow, I wish I had read this first when I decided to try and R.


Me: BS 34
Him: WH 38
Together: 12 yrs
Married: 6 yrs
DD: 3/9/20012
R - or trying to anyway.
"Saying sorry doesnít mean there isnít guilt and forgiving doesnít mean the pain is gone" - Still working on this one...

Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Bay Area
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, April 30th (Monday)

bump.

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Magda08
New Member
Member # 35211
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, April 30th (Monday)

bump for the newbies

Posts: 44 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: US
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 10th (Thursday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, May 11th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, May 19th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, May 24th (Thursday)

Bump!


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, May 26th (Saturday)

Bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1923 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, June 3rd (Sunday)

Bumped


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5636 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 8th (Friday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)

Bumping


Me: BS
2 kids: DD16 and DS19
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7989 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 19th (Tuesday)


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 2nd (Monday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, July 4th (Wednesday)


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 6th (Friday)


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jan 2012
SuspiciousWife
Member
Member # 18108
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)

Bumping


Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

Posts: 557 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: East Coast
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 30th (Monday)

bump


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
charbonnel
Member
Member # 36324
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, August 1st (Wednesday)

Great advice. But what if the marriage was troubled. WS says she wouldn't have had the affair had she not been miserable (I know no excuse) but I take ownership of my own behaviour and have committed to improving it. She says that the OM isn't the issue but it is our marriage, that being in the A allowed her to stay in the marriage! She now says that even if the A ends (she seems to be finding out that the OM isn't as honest as she thought as she's found he's been staying in local hotels when she isn't involved and isn't being forthcoming with answers) she doesn't make reconciling with me a priority, that she likes being her own woman and is encouraging me to find another (better) partner. But I don't want to. I want my marriage to be improved and renewed, I want my family back. I am 51 (BS) and she is 33 (WS) we have a 7 yr old son.
I can't seem to do the 180. Even tonight she invited me for dinner with them...as I have no life it is hard to resist not seeing them but it is painful as I always think about what might be if only she would recommit...

Posts: 66 | Registered: Aug 2012
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, August 8th (Wednesday)

Oh, THIS. This needs to stay on the front page. BUMP.

charbonnel, have you read the topic on understanding 180 ? http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, August 11th (Saturday)

Bump


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, August 27th (Monday)

bump


fBH (me) - 70, fWW, Married 45+, together 45+, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and pretty much R'ed
I'm not an exemplar. I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 13246 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, August 31st (Friday)

bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1923 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, September 1st (Saturday)

Bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 1010 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, September 1st (Saturday)

Bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 1010 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, September 3rd (Monday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)

bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 1010 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, September 8th (Saturday)


DDay 9/25/2008

BH-me


Posts: 6144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, September 9th (Sunday)

Bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 1010 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
nowiknow23
Moderator
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, September 11th (Tuesday)


You can call me NIK

"The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it." - Brene Brown


Posts: 35346 | Registered: Aug 2011
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, September 14th (Friday)

Bump


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
Steppinglightly
New Member
Member # 36432
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, September 18th (Tuesday)

bump


For now - Someone caught stealing is rarely sorry because they stole, they are only sorry because they were caught.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Aug 2012
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, September 22nd (Saturday)

Bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 1010 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, September 29th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 11868 | Registered: Mar 2008
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 7th (Sunday)

Time to bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, October 13th (Saturday)

weekend bump.

Posts: 11868 | Registered: Mar 2008
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, October 22nd (Monday)

Bump for Newbies


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
hank9898
Member
Member # 35405
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, December 2nd (Sunday)

Bump


Me - BH (46)
Two great kids
Son (20) US Army
Daughter (18) College student

Posts: 149 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Minnesota
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
BrandyT
New Member
Member # 37621
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much for bumping this Annb! Amazing post!

It really should be a sticky!!


Me- BS
Him- WH
M- 7yrs with two kids 6yrs and 6mths
D Day 1- 10/08/12
Insane month of lies and false R
D Day 2- Last discovery 11/23/12
NC with OW- 11/26/12
3mth sexual and emotional A
Moving forward and working on us.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: BrandyT
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, December 10th (Monday)

bumpin'


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, December 14th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, December 15th (Saturday)

bump


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 8782 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
shafted77
New Member
Member # 37806
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, December 18th (Tuesday)

Thank you SerJR for your helpful advice

[This message edited by shafted77 at 8:32 AM, December 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2012
markyall
New Member
Member # 37808
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, December 18th (Tuesday)

also found this helpful
thank you


Me:BH 43
Her:WS 37
two kids-still in school
Dday 052512

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2012
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, December 21st (Friday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, December 24th (Monday)

Bump


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)

bumpity-bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
mountainmomma
Member
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, January 6th (Sunday)

Bumpity bump


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, January 10th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, January 11th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, January 15th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, January 17th (Thursday)


i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 296 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, January 19th (Saturday)

BUMP!


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2208 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, January 20th (Sunday)

bump


BH 52, WW 43
DS 24(Mine),SD 22,SS 21(Hers),DS 10 Ours, DGS 5, DGD 2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
ďI have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.Ē
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 4423 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, January 27th (Sunday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, January 28th (Monday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
exhausted lady
Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, January 28th (Monday)

It's that time of year. Bump.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3171 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
exhausted lady
Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)

bumping again. We seem to have a lot of new members, (damn it, infidelity just keeps spreading) and I hope they read this.

E.L.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3171 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, February 1st (Friday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
wouldbewhere
Member
Member # 38221
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, February 3rd (Sunday)

This is AWESOME, THANKS!!!!


ME-51
STBXWH-SOB-44 A W/Ho-Worker
Married 16 1/2 yrs
DD 9/29/2012 Left 9/29/2012
Filled 10/14/2012
We all meet our maker. When my file is opened to be read, before I cross the pearly gates. I'm sure glad it won't say "I cheated on

Posts: 148 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: The West Coast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
exhausted lady
Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, February 7th (Thursday)

bump


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3171 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, February 14th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, February 21st (Thursday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
exhausted lady
Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)

Bumping for all the new members.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3171 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, March 9th (Saturday)

Bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1923 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, March 10th (Sunday)

Bump


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2208 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, March 15th (Friday)


i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 296 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Jrazz
Moderator
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)


I really fear acting without thought. -sisoon

Posts: 27072 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, March 28th (Thursday)

bump


Me - BS
WH - old
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 1569 | Registered: Jun 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, March 30th (Saturday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

bbbuuummmpppp


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, April 12th (Friday)

Bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1923 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 7255 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 20th (Saturday)


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, April 28th (Sunday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, April 29th (Monday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, May 10th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Bump


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

bamp

Posts: 7255 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, July 19th (Friday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Bump


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2857 | Registered: Aug 2012
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, July 29th (Monday)

bump for livebythesea


Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Aug 2009
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1285 | Registered: Apr 2009
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, August 9th (Friday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
mixedintherut
Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Bump. I do wish this was a sticky or a permanent post, so that the new people could find it very easily. I have been here for almost a week and just now seeing it!


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Thank you for so much information...this helped me


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 26th (Monday)

bumping this up for the new people here...


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jan 2012
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

bumpsicle


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

bump

Posts: 7255 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, September 20th (Friday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-


Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
forlornheart
Member
Member # 40726
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, September 20th (Friday)

This is exactly what I needed to make sure I'm moving forward but also taking the correct steps

Thanks!
Deb


Me: 48- BW
Him: 45-WH-chronic cheater, PA and EA
Current Her: Mid to late 30's fatassed, no necked, troglodyte
D Day: August 23, 2013
Separated: August 23, 2013


Posts: 52 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Michigan
Camalus
Member
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Bump


MeĖBS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.


Posts: 153 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-


Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1285 | Registered: Apr 2009
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Bumping for maddmurph.


Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Aug 2009
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, October 18th (Friday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Drowninginitall
Member
Member # 40968
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

Thank you for this. Marking for future reference.


BW 39
Married 2000
DDay 1 10/2013
DDay 2 4/2014
DDay 3 6/2014
With a whole lot of TT, lies, gas lighting and false R in between.
2 DDs 6.5
DS 3.5
Divorcing

Posts: 191 | Registered: Oct 2013
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, October 21st (Monday)

Bump


Me: BS 46
Her: FWS 49 (both family med MDs; together 19 years)
OW: who cares (PhD)
Dday: 10/11: 11/11 TT for months; NC 8/12
Limboconsiliationish
"band aids don't fix bullet holes" Taylor Swift
I NEVER mind medical ???

Posts: 2927 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Here
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-


Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, October 25th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

bump bump bump do the bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 11198 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, November 4th (Monday)

bump


Me-BS-61
HIM-SAFWH-64
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 5095 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-


Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
HollyLou
New Member
Member # 41248
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Thanks, very helpful.


BW, 45
WH, 48
D-Day 10/30/13
M: 17 yrs
2 DDs 15, 13
Status: ??

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: MA
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

Well now, there you are.


Me: 45/WH (SA): 49
M: 26 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce halted

Posts: 1245 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Jrazz
Moderator
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)


I really fear acting without thought. -sisoon

Posts: 27072 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

bump


Me: BS 46
Her: FWS 49 (both family med MDs; together 19 years)
OW: who cares (PhD)
Dday: 10/11: 11/11 TT for months; NC 8/12
Limboconsiliationish
"band aids don't fix bullet holes" Taylor Swift
I NEVER mind medical ???

Posts: 2927 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Here
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1923 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, November 25th (Monday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 11198 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-


Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Bump


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, December 9th (Monday)

bump for rosie79


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1885 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, December 13th (Friday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Jrazz
Moderator
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, December 14th (Saturday)


I really fear acting without thought. -sisoon

Posts: 27072 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, December 16th (Monday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-


Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
nowiknow23
Moderator
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, December 21st (Saturday)

bump


You can call me NIK

"The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it." - Brene Brown


Posts: 35346 | Registered: Aug 2011
Jrazz
Moderator
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)


I really fear acting without thought. -sisoon

Posts: 27072 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-


Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
PRNDL
Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)

Page one please!! Amazing! This can truly save someone from losing their minds.


BH: 36 (me)
WS: 31 / OM: 31
Son: 12
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
A over. Defogged. Trying R

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
Lola88
Member
Member # 41540
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)

Makes so much sense, when not much else does!

Posts: 131 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-


Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-


Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, January 10th (Friday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 11198 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 881 | Registered: Nov 2012
UpInTheAirNow
Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

Bump


ME 45
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Separated 3/13 and NC for my own sanity.
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.

Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

bump


I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.


Posts: 5674 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Indiana
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

bump


Me - BH 41
Her - FWW 38
D-Day: 8/13

Posts: 340 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-


Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Bump


Me-52 BS
Him 59-WS
Married 32 yrs, together 35
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1960 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 11198 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

bump


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 3991 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

bump


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 3991 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Bump.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

bump


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 3991 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-


Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, February 21st (Friday)

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
FaceFacts
New Member
Member # 42464
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, February 21st (Friday)

Thank you! Really helps me to keep a hopeful perspective on the situation when it seems so volatile.


D-day 1/25/14
BH = Me
WW = Her
2 children
Married 20years
Face Facts

Posts: 3 | Registered: Feb 2014
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, March 8th (Saturday)

bump


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1885 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, March 13th (Thursday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-


Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, March 15th (Saturday)

Bump


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 3991 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 11198 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-


Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, March 28th (Friday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-


Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

BEMP

Posts: 7255 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 11198 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, April 6th (Sunday)


i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 296 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 11198 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, April 11th (Friday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-


Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5378 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, April 21st (Monday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 25th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 7255 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
lilacs40
Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Bump


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, May 4th (Sunday)

Bunp


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2857 | Registered: Aug 2012
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 11198 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, May 16th (Friday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 11198 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 11198 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, May 24th (Saturday)

Bump


"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 3505 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, May 26th (Monday)

BUMP


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo.EA/ PA with COW;
Married 26 years/4 kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1908 | Registered: Dec 2012
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, May 26th (Monday)

This is wonderful. It's like you have taken the best out of every book on the subject and summarized it for us all. Had I read this before going shopping, I could have saved a lot of money. You hit every main point right on the head. Thank you so much! For anyone who is just tuning in to this site, what Tactical Primer has provided here is priceless!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's LTA lasted 6 years, his EA's lasted during most of our M, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 1070 | Registered: May 2014
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 30th (Friday)


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

Bump for Detached


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1885 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

bump

Posts: 8696 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 19th (Thursday)

bump


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 3991 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

bump


Me-52 BS
Him 59-WS
Married 32 yrs, together 35
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1960 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
mamajen00
Member
Member # 43810
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, July 14th (Monday)

I wish I had seen this post three months ago when I first showed up here. Such good information!


BS- me 37
WH- him 38
1 son - almost 5
Married 8 years
Together 13 years
DDay 4/19/14
9 months of intense EA
2 days of PA

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, July 26th (Saturday)

Bump


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)

Bump.


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1923 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, August 9th (Saturday)

BUMP!

Posts: 7255 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
steadychevy
Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, August 9th (Saturday)

I so wish I had found this back just after Christmas, 2002. Of course it wasn't written then. I wish I had found SI back then. Instead I found some sites that did me more harm than good.

I wonder, painfully, what my life would have been like if I hadn't done everything wrong. Now, instead of trying to heal after stopping my WW short - shock and awe, I am trying to heal after a DDay 1 on September 1, 2013 almost 11 after I became convinced (almost) my WW was committing adultery. I never caught them (almost did a few times) and I could never prove it and WW lied vigorously, continuously, frequently and effectively for all those years.

How different my life might be if I would have had the advice beginning this thread instead of the advice I got and if I would have hired a PI. If I was doing this at 51 instead of at 63.

I have been on SI lurking before registering at the end of February. I just read this primer this morning. It is so valuable but just too late for me.


BH(me)64; WW 58; M 38 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
EA different COW 2001-2014? PA AP jealous of EA PA
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, li

Posts: 869 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
shiftingsand
Member
Member # 43656
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, August 18th (Monday)

top of the list

Posts: 205 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Maryland
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, August 22nd (Friday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5636 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
trying22
Member
Member # 44592
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, August 22nd (Friday)

Great!

Posts: 77 | Registered: Aug 2014
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 27th (Wednesday)

Bump

Posts: 7255 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
UpInTheAirNow
Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

Bump.


ME 45
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Separated 3/13 and NC for my own sanity.
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.

Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, September 5th (Friday)

Bump.


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1923 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, September 8th (Monday)

bump


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 3991 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
UpInTheAirNow
Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, September 11th (Thursday)

Bump


ME 45
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Separated 3/13 and NC for my own sanity.
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.

Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
UpInTheAirNow
Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, September 22nd (Monday)

Bump


ME 45
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Separated 3/13 and NC for my own sanity.
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.

Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
whyme3786
Member
Member # 44713
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, September 22nd (Monday)

bump


Everything perfect or so I thought 8/22/14
D Day 8/23
Filed for divorce grounds adultery 9/4/14

Me BS 46. WS 36
Beautiful Wonderful 5 year old son

Dying ain't a way to make a living boy


Posts: 131 | Registered: Aug 2014
EverythingAfter
New Member
Member # 44970
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, September 22nd (Monday)

I needed to read this today. Thank you so much.


Me: 44 bw
Him: 40 wh
At least 6 "escorts" on at least 12 occasions over the last year, not all protected sex, result: herpes, trichmoniasis, possibly hpv.
Status: ? Unknown. trying to R.


Posts: 13 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: California
helpmegetthrough
New Member
Member # 44949
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, September 22nd (Monday)

Thank you,
I needed this!


I will survive this no matter what the outcome!!

Posts: 19 | Registered: Sep 2014
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, September 26th (Friday)

BUMP

Posts: 7255 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
UpInTheAirNow
Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, October 6th (Monday)

Bump


ME 45
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Separated 3/13 and NC for my own sanity.
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.

Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
UpInTheAirNow
Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, October 21st (Tuesday)

Bump


ME 45
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Separated 3/13 and NC for my own sanity.
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.

Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, October 26th (Sunday)

Bump.


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1923 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 30th (Thursday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5636 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, November 1st (Saturday)

BUMP


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo.EA/ PA with COW;
Married 26 years/4 kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1908 | Registered: Dec 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, November 8th (Saturday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, November 14th (Friday)

Bump


fBH (me) - 70, fWW, Married 45+, together 45+, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and pretty much R'ed
I'm not an exemplar. I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 13246 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, November 22nd (Saturday)

bumping for weekend


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, November 30th (Sunday)

Bump


He's not an Ex, he's a why

Posts: 6030 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday)

bump


"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a li


Posts: 2527 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, December 6th (Saturday)

bump for weekend


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
onlytime
Member
Member # 45817
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, December 6th (Saturday)

Wow. I wish I had read this 8 weeks ago :(


MH: 44
MH: 51 (BetterFuture13)
My Dday's #1 April 2001; #2 Oct 2014
His Dday 1999
T:19y M:15y
R'ing
"You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness" ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 1482 | Registered: Dec 2014
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, December 7th (Sunday)

bump


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 3162 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Ready2beFree
Member
Member # 45913
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, December 11th (Thursday)

Thank you for this great post!


D-Day: 11/10/2014

Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2014
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, December 19th (Friday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, December 24th (Wednesday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, January 3rd (Saturday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 6887 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, January 7th (Wednesday)

Bump


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: Nov 2010
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 17th (Saturday)

bump


"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a li


Posts: 2527 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, January 19th (Monday)

bump


BH 52, WW 43
DS 24(Mine),SD 22,SS 21(Hers),DS 10 Ours, DGS 5, DGD 2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
ďI have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.Ē
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 4423 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Jrazz
Moderator
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:27 AM, January 22nd (Thursday)


I really fear acting without thought. -sisoon

Posts: 27072 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
MangledHeart
Webmaster
Member # 1
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, January 28th (Wednesday)

I just realized you guys have been bumping this thread for over five years! I'll save you the trouble.


Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength. ~Corrie Ten Boom

Posts: 7334 | Registered: May 2002 | From: Texas
LAFA
Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, January 28th (Wednesday)

Thank you, MH! Great idea.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
doodle123
New Member
Member # 46638
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday)

Thank you

Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2015
Shattered0917
New Member
Member # 47225
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, March 18th (Wednesday)

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right spot I'm so new to this.. I need help ! I have no one to talk to I am too ashamed for anyone to know.. My husband and I r known to everyone I know friends and family as the perfects.. We have been so I sink with each other since day one and I have always felt so loved .. Well by accident I came across a plenty of fish account on his phone .. I had to dig cause I was confused.. I shouldn't have because my life has been destroyed.. My husband has been online cheating sexting sending pics ect for months and since dec had been actually going out and sleeping with other women at least 45!!!! I confronted him he tried to sugar coat it and say I did nothing wrong he just needed a self esteem boost and that he's done and he promises it will never happen again.. I'm trying so hard to believe him since I did say for better or for worse.. Sorry for the ramble help im do alone

Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2015 | From: Orange County Ca
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, March 19th (Thursday)

Shattered,

You should start a new topic in Just Found Out and put your story there.

I'm sorry you've had to join us here, but you have found the best place for advice and healing.

I can't imagine the pain of discovering your spouse has been with scores of other women. I'm so sorry. But please prepare yourself for more as the truth comes out.

I think with this sort of scenario, the first thing you need to do is get to the doctor. Explain the situation (I know it's hard) and get tested for STDs. He should also be tested. No unprotected sex until you have seen his results.

I wish you the best. It's going to be rough, but you will get through this.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD16 and DS19
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7989 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Number
New Member
Member # 48226
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, June 14th (Sunday)

Thanks for putting together this Tactical Primer. On my own I've covered many of the steps... But not all.

I especially appreciated the part which encourages not ignoring the affair because I'm going through different emotions from one day to the next - - and some days I want to forget that I've been betrayed. Part of me wants to act like it never happened so that I can quickly return to the previous state of bliss.

I appreciated the part which talked about being accused of invading the wayward spouses' privacy when looking for objective evidence of the affair or continuing communication with the other person. I did confront her with my findings but was made to feel like I was the one who was doing something wrong... And yes... I've been blocked from phone access and FaceBook and made to feel like I am overly rigid.

I'm not happy that I'm here but am thankful that I have a place to come where I can get some support and get my head & heart centered in the right place.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2015 | From: Wichita
Denise88
New Member
Member # 48732
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, August 16th (Sunday)

thanks so much, if only i have come to place sooner, i made so many mistakes

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jul 2015
3eyeblind
Member
Member # 45921
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, September 4th (Friday)

Thank you....wish I had read this when I first found out.


WH got the 7 year itch and a borderline personality disordered cw happened to be around to take care of him....aww.

Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2014 | From: West Coast
HurtungWife123
New Member
Member # 49496
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, September 11th (Friday)

Great advice! Thank you.


BW 49, WH 46, M 14 years, T 22 yrs
DS 25 (mine) DDs 11 and 13 (ours)
DDay 8/25/15, Headed for D
Working on R but keeping options open.
I take in stray animals, stray people, I'm kind of a sucker. Typo in name, meant HURTING

Posts: 34 | Registered: Sep 2015 | From: Pennsylvania
loneliestman
Member
Member # 49753
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, September 26th (Saturday)

A fantastic primer. Tactics/strategies are everything. They give you goals. Keep you focused. I like the idea of boundaries. It sets out the framwork of a workable marriage from this point on. If those boundaries can't be met by the cheater - and that the boundaries are perfectly reasonable, then there's no hope for the marriage.

Posts: 134 | Registered: Sep 2015 | From: UK
loneliestman
Member
Member # 49753
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, September 26th (Saturday)

I especially appreciated the part which encourages not ignoring the affair because I'm going through different emotions from one day to the next - - and some days I want to forget that I've been betrayed. Part of me wants to act like it never happened so that I can quickly return to the previous state of bliss.

I think it's just you giving yourself a break from the trauma. We all need a break from it, particularly when it's all-consuming.


Posts: 134 | Registered: Sep 2015 | From: UK
SheRecovers
New Member
Member # 49862
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, October 6th (Tuesday)

This is very helpful. I am 3 weeks out and am still as mesed up as day 1. It is helpful to hear I do not have to make any life altering decisions yet and it is still early and I can grieve a bit longer.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2015
griddeniefr
New Member
Member # 49891
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, October 9th (Friday)

Wow,all I can say is Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This is a great breakdown and I have already started copying phone records and took pictures of days worth of texting. I also got copies of the 401K and he would have to provide his retirement info. because it's online. I don't think my WH realizes that because were 56 and 57 that it's too close to retirement for me to start trying to get retirement $$$ together. I have not given him a choice yet because I'm about 3 weeks in since D day, but with some more time and counselling, I know I can get there.


getting stronger every day

Posts: 13 | Registered: Oct 2015 | From: Pa
Ksm44
New Member
Member # 50768
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, December 30th (Wednesday)

Right ON

Posts: 31 | Registered: Dec 2015 | From: St. Louis MO
WiseGirl19
New Member
Member # 51884
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, February 19th (Friday)

You give me hope. Thank you for such an insightful post. It's a slow road but I'll get there...with or without my WS.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Feb 2016 | From: Maryland
TheWinoAndIknow
New Member
Member # 51931
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, February 22nd (Monday)

This hits the mark on all levels - thank you! Exactly what I need right now.


(me) BH: 51
(her)WW: 49
DDay: 02/18/2016

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2016 | From: Florida
bbyg98
Member
Member # 51580
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, March 24th (Thursday)

WOWW awesome post!!


I ripped off the bandaid and I am free at last! :) Thank god & SI😋

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jan 2016 | From: USA
sicatrose
New Member
Member # 52243
Question  Posted: 8:08 PM, March 25th (Friday)

Thanks so much for this. I already see I am making mistakes, like belittling and bringing up the affair during unrelated arguments. I know it is wrong and I am trying, but sometimes I just want him to hurt like he hurt me. We tried MC and it was a disaster. I felt like I was being attacked by our therapist, like it was my fault my husband had a 2 year EA/PA with a drug addict/prostitute. I don't know if I want to to try again with a new therapist. I am on an emotional roller-coaster but trying my best to take the advice of others who have been there.


Better to be hurt by truth, than comforted with a lie.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2016 | From: United States
ShivaAteMyHeart
New Member
Member # 52730
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 14th (Thursday)

It would seem I have failed at some of the tent poles of R and beg your advice on what to do now:

"- Avoid spending too much time together to try and force recovery."

- My H and I share a car, cellphone at the moment, and spend literally every moment besides work between 9-5 together and have for over 10 years. The A was a ONS b4 we were married that he told me about in anger (though he says he regrets doing it that way)


"- A. Donít just try to move forward and forget Ė this issue must be addressed although not the exclusion of everyday life.
- B. Avoid bringing up the affair repeatedly for anything not related to the affair, and do not belittle your spouse."

- These two are a paradox for me. In trying to not rugsweep (A) I seem to do B repeatedly when what happened was 10 years ago and my H has said he has told me all he can remember from this one episode (I can confirm at least that it was not an ongoing thing and trust that I do not delude myself, quite the contrary, I pain shop and belittle when he could of taken this to his grave. I feel like our situation is different so maybe I'm not asking the right questions? We spend quite literally every moment besides work together (bad I know) though I want to do A and take a step back but am worried he'll see that as me pushing away which I believe in his mind will cause a divide between us similar to what allowed the ONS to happen in the first place when we were BF/GF 10 years ago. He says we are married now so its different but I call BS.

Do any wayward spouses truly believe that things that happened b4 marriage are negligible? Or that if 1 thing did happen and that brought so much guilt that it never happened again and they were quasi-good as a result then maybe it mitigates the betrayal?

During this time is when it happened, we literally spent 5 nights at most apart though so it kills me cuz I knew something was off then. We have lived together (with my family) most of these 11 years excluding 2 months, 9 months into our relationship when this ONS occurred. I hesitate to tell my full story but the implications behind a lot of what happened then speaks volumes still I think. My H keeps saying he was a dumb kid, yet at the time we met he was living by himself at 16/17 and sure acted/boasted that he was an adult.

Sorry for rambling. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.


"One of the tools of hypnotherapy to manage pain is directing the subject to make the pain worse so he or she can also learn to lessen the aching and thus acquire control." Michael Newton. Journey of Souls: Case Studies of Life Between Lives

Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2016
October18
New Member
Member # 52552
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, April 24th (Sunday)

I wish I had read this post 6 months ago. Thank you for posting!

Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2016 | From: New Jersey
Topic Posts: 887