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User Topic: R'ing with an addict
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Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 13th (Friday)


Posts: 10001 | Registered: May 2002
claudiasometimes
Member
Member # 19361
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, June 13th (Friday)

thank you for starting this thread. i don't ***think*** i'm alone in this situation, and even though it's early for me, i hope that we (anyone out there?) can help each other with [insert emotion here] of trying to R with an addict.

my BF is an addict. i didn't see it before, but i do now.

he is a drug addict.
he is a porn addict.
he is a video game addict.
he is addicted to keeping secrets.

it took me a long time to see these things in him. it's still early in our "R" to know where it will go. i'm hurting, but i'm trying to stay strong. anyone out there in a similar situation?


"i wish i could just stop. i know another moment will break my heart. too many tears, too many times, too many years i've cried over you." - **from the edge of the deep green sea** by the cure


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2008 | From: ca
RedHeadWitchy
Member
Member # 19206
Cool  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 13th (Friday)

My FWH is a recovering alcoholic (18 yrs sober) but his addiction manifested in the form of an A last year. Sucks for me! Our MC said addiction is addiction and it could have come out in the abuse of alcohol again, or drugs, gambling, etc. It all sucks. I can kind of relate to you tho, I know how you feel. He also has a huge problem lying (working on that with IC) and an internet porn addiction too


Me 35(BW) Him 37(FWH)
WhorMonica 45 (FOW QVC reject)
M 9ys,
D: 7, S: 3
In R/MC/IC

I thought I was a fool for no-one
Oh baby I'm a fool for you
You're the queen of the superficial
And how long before you tell the truth
~Muse


Posts: 838 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Beautiful Southeastern, PA
claudiasometimes
Member
Member # 19361
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, June 13th (Friday)

i'm sorry you're going through this too, and i'm glad you posted here because i feel so alone with this mess.

i confronted him for the first time about being back on drugs on wednesday. he denied it. i sent him an email about it yesterday. no reply. in fact, no contact from him since. both in person and in my email i was very careful not to judge him or purposely make him feel like he shit. even with my loving and kind way of addressing him, i've gotten lies and avoidance. i don't know that it'll get better for me. it breaks my heart.


"i wish i could just stop. i know another moment will break my heart. too many tears, too many times, too many years i've cried over you." - **from the edge of the deep green sea** by the cure


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2008 | From: ca
BMC0415
Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, June 13th (Friday)

Claudia sorry you are going thru this. Everyday is a struggle. My H went into treatment in Nov. '07 for the drugs, but he still drinks alot and I know he fell of the wagon a couple of times.

I have tried to be firm, it is so hard especially when children are involved. You find yourself questioning everything they say. My H is better than he was, but it still is a problem that I am learning to try to deal with.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
hope610
Member
Member # 16161
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, June 14th (Saturday)

I wish you all good luck. I was married to a drug addict, alcoholic, porn and multiple affair addict for 23 years. We were together for 29 years. Three weeks ago he committed suicide. He was a professional, not your typical hard core addict. He was highly functional until 5 years ago. Until then he had led a secret life and I had no idea. Last summer he went to an intensive 4 month rehab program and graduated with flying colors. They even wanted him to work there. I have been through a living hell. His funeral was huge as we were both educators and we still have a child in high school. It was very difficult to hear so many people revere my husband when only about 4 or 5 had any idea about his double life. Even his children don't know about the affairs or drugs which had bankrupted us twice. I am offering you some unsolicited advice. These addicts have had their brain chemistry changed. I feel some of the damage is permanent. My husband never recovered from the paranoia or the feeling that the affairs were not that big a deal because he still "loved" and supported us. A week before he died I bought him the book Steering Clear as has been recommended many times on these forums. He didn't open it. He relapsed and I found his body in our barn in the morning. Recently I have looked through this book and have seen every problem he had from distorted thinking to entitlement to living in fantasy and the ability to compartmentalize and minimize his other life. Please get help for yourselves. Read the co-dependency books and detach with love and kindness. Read Steering Clear and have your addict read it too. Good Luck in your struggles and don't waste anymore time walking on eggshells. Make them accountable and don't put your life on hold anymore.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Michigan
7yrsbetrayed
Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, June 15th (Sunday)

Multiple addictions are very common. It's pretty rare for someone to only have one. My FWH is a sex addict and also has issues with food. Apparently this is one of the most common combinations.

I'm beginning to wonder if all addicts have sex addiction. It's the one drug you carry with you, in your own brain, 24/7. You can't get your substance of choice (alcohol, drugs or whatever) so you whack off to get that comfort. That high. Food for thought.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
brknluv
New Member
Member # 19841
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)

My son was 8 months old when I found out about my STBXH's first EA which turned out to be a PA. We seperated for a month and had a false R.

Just when I thought he was a changed man I got pregnant again with our daughter. Two months into my pregnancy I find out about OW#2 and a drug addiction.

I was devasted beyond anything and unfortunately had not found SI yet. Since my daughter was born I struggled to help my WS overcome his drug addiction and finally seperated last July. We lost our home, cars, and he lost his job. I realized that I couldn't help him because he had to want sobriety. I couldn't anymore because I had to take the responsibility of our babies, he was and is unfit.

Although we have been seperated for a year, he kept telling me that he wanted help and he would get it "soon" and want to come home to us. Never happened or will happen because I found out that he is sleeping with a MW who shares the same interest of drugs as he.

I found out a month ago and it's been devasting. I somehow convinced myself that I can bring him back to sobriety but the infidelity hit me harder than coping with the addiction.

I keep telling myself that he is not the man I married or know at this point. He is no longer the responsible loving father, husband, and unselfish partner he once was. In my eyes, he has died.

I just want off this roller coaster and want the strength, courage, and happiness to move forward with my babies and the "me" that has been lost.


"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
hope610
Member
Member # 16161
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)

brknluv I really feel your pain. It is like no other. My WH is gone now but I will never be the same. I will keep you in my prayers. As you say they are no longer the person they were when you married. Drugs and all addictions are so damaging to so many. Those who love the addict suffer so much. You seem like a strong woman. Your children are young and have a chance for a normal life. Get some professional help if you can. PM me if you want to talk. You need to think of your children and you now.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Michigan
claudiasometimes
Member
Member # 19361
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, June 19th (Thursday)

do all of you believe that a person that "can stop anytime" and actually does stop whenever they say they're going to is still an addict? just as easily as my BF starts using drugs, it seems, that's how he stops. just, stops. i am pretty sure that he is still an addict, but he doesn't see himself as that because he's able to stop that way. does anyone have any insight into this?


"i wish i could just stop. i know another moment will break my heart. too many tears, too many times, too many years i've cried over you." - **from the edge of the deep green sea** by the cure


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2008 | From: ca
hope610
Member
Member # 16161
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, June 19th (Thursday)

Claudia -an addict is forever an addict. My FWH was clean for months at a time but inevitably always went back. It was always worse each time and the last time killed him. Addicts need to have a recovery plan where they are accountable. NA, counseling, psychiatrist or addictionist. This is a chronic mental illness. He needs to keep it in remission or it eventually destroys him and those that love him. All my love and support couldn't stop my H. You need professional help. Good Luck.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Michigan
brknluv
New Member
Member # 19841
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, June 20th (Friday)

I agree w/Hope, an addict is an addict. It's a very long road to recovery and whether they use drugs on and off or continuously it gets worse as time goes by. Professional help is the only way for sobriety because it is not just a physical addiction it is a physcological illness as well.


"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

Hi all. I'm so sad for all of us here. This is so hard to deal with on top of everything else.

My H is an addict...alcohol, weed, and formerly porn.

I have read all of the comments above and my heart goes out to each of you. This is just brutal.

((((hope610))))...OMG, OMG...

Thank you for that book name, I am getting it tomorrow!!! I am scared, you described my H so much that it's eerie!!!!!

God bless you all and me too!


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9623 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
healingtree
Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

My FWH has addictive behavior, and knows it. I talked to my IC about it yesterday...and named his addictive tendancies as one of my fears.

He was addicted to drugs over fifteen years ago, but after he ended up in jail for 6 months, got clean and was completely sober for five years.

At that point in time he admits that he became addicted to exercise to cope with his need...and escape from his unhappy home life.

When I met him, shortly after he left his first wife, he had started drinking again...but it was no more than I or many of my friends did, so I didn't think twice about it...

As far as I know, he never went back to using, although I have questioned him regarding OW#2(co-worker)...I think he might have used with her, and was scared shitless that he would do such a thing that he ran the hell away from her.

I think he was surprised that she used, because he TOLD me (didn't know he fucked her yet) that he had found out she used...and he told her to keep that shit away from him...she left our area shortly after for unknown reasons.

So FWH has been sober almost a year...there are no good recovery programs available to us in our isolated area.

One of my fears is that his alcohol addiction will shift to sex addiction, if it didn't exist already...the only thing that makes me think is he is NOT a sex addict is that in all the years I have known him, I have never seen him masturbate, ever.

However, during his cheating phase, when he WAS drinking heavy, he got into internet porn, unbeknownst to me...but lets just say that he left evidence by the computer!!! So he WAS doing this while in his completely lost phase.

No porn and no drinking are boundaries, and he has respected them.

So my question is, if an addict readily admits that he is an addict, and can see that his addictive tendancies can come out in a myriad of ways, can they actually "steer clear" and maintain a healthy relationship with support from their partner?

I don't worry so much about the addictions he knows about, and has no denial about...but the sex thing, he doesn't believe that he has ever had a problem with that, and that it is a "guy thing"...

[This message edited by healingtree at 8:19 AM, June 23rd (Monday)]


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
healingtree
Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

bumping this thread in fear that I killed it!!!


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
Pukashell
New Member
Member # 20020
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

My boyfriend has told me that you can't get addicted to weed, but yet whenever he told me he would or had quit.. he'd do it again. He says he doesn't consider it a "drug"....

Oh, and I'm pretty sure he's an alcohol-addict, too, and he has sortof admitted it to me before, in a roundabout way, although he's never gone to get help for it.

It was during drinking (and possibly drugs, most likely with the crowd he hangs out with) that he cheated on me... this coming from a guy who, even though we had problems with his addictions, never thought would hurt me in that way (with another girl).

And even though I "know" of his addictions, I don't seem to think of it as a good excuse for sleeping with somebody else.

How do you know if you want to R with somebody like this?


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Small Town, Midwest, USA
hope610
Member
Member # 16161
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

Puka - This is a long hard road. If you choose to stay just know that it is extremely tough. Addiction and cheating seem to be partners and the toll on you is tremendous. Make up your own mind but know that if you aren't married or deeply committed yet you can choose peace and happiness. If your addcit gets help and is clean and trustworthy for 2 years than you may reconsider a deeper relationship. In rehab there is an 88% chance of relapse and this is a lot like the false recovery experience that so many here are used too. It can crush your soul and make you accept things that you would never think are normal if you weren't with an addict. Read books on co-dependency and see if you recognize yourself and make a decision for you an your healthy and happy life.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Michigan
healingtree
Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

puka...

I agree with hope610...it is really important for you to look at your situation. You are not married, and have no children together.

Addiction is a struggle, always...if you have been with this same BF for 7 years, have discussed the addiction prior to his cheating, he thinks its NOT an addiction, he cheats (gee I didn't think that would happen DUH)sorry and he CONTINUES to USE any SUBSTANCES...

My advice would be to get out.

Because your future relationship will be based on the choices he makes - and an addict has to choose to accept the fact that they are an addict every single day for the rest of their lives.

If I had no ties (children, home, business) with my H, I would most likely have chosen a different path...

But everyones situation is different.

But I have kids, plan to have no more, and if this doesn't work, I really don't feel the need to find another relationship...I am probably a lot older than you too!

The only way I have been able to invest in R is because my H remains sober - from my first d-day until now almost a year later.

He is sober for himself...not behaving to please me...this I know.

If he should choose to return to drinking...I will leave.

That gives me the assurity in my heart that I won't have to go through any of this crap again...because I don't NEED him.

I just want to try.

Good luck sweetie...make the right choices for you.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
openbook
Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

living with and loving an addict...even a currently recovering sober one...just sucks the life right out of me.

I am so grateful this thread was started.

hugs to us all

here's my situation in a nutshell

H using pot heavily 13-25 years old

confessed to a ONS that occurred 10 months after our wedding. I was 5 months pregnant with our second child. Stopped using pot but never sought active treatment.

61/2 years later came the "fuck it" moment where nothing else mattered but getting high.

4 years of hard core use and 2 more A's, one of which lasted almost two years and would have continued if not for the phone call I received outing the A.

Sober since d-day Aug 06

attending MA meetings but having a hard time finding a good sponsor...can't seem to get through step 4.


To say I am uneasy is a massive understatement....but I don't know how else to describe the weight I carry with me everyday. It makes it hard to take a full breath.

I am trying to learn how to take a deep breath and live a full life while being the partner of an addict.

I don't know if it can be done.


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
momofthree2007
Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

My signature says it all. He's been sober for over 40 days. That's the longest he's ever gone without looking at porn.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
openbook
Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

puka,

My boyfriend has told me that you can't get addicted to weed, but yet whenever he told me he would or had quit.. he'd do it again. He says he doesn't consider it a "drug"....

this scares me so much. It is so easy to write off pot...it seems so innocent especially when compared to other drugs and even alcohol.

Pot is a whole different thing to deal with...kind of like a silent killer.

I doesn't have the physiologically addictive properties like crack for example but it does slowly change the way the brain functions.

The lines your BF is feeding you are BS...spit it out! Do some research on your own and have some solid information on your side.

The most desctructive substance in my life has been pot. It has stolen years from me. But it only had that power because I allowed it. If I could go back and change things I would. I would continue to love and care about my H but I never would have married him. That is a painful thing to admit.

wishing you all the best and remember information and conviction are your best friends.


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
claudiasometimes
Member
Member # 19361
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 26th (Thursday)

puka,

i'm sending you hugs and thoughts because i know what you're going through.

while, yes things are so much more complicated and difficult when there are children and/or a marriage involved, it's really unfair to diminish the relationships people are in because those components are not factors. ultimately, the decision to R or not should be a choice of those in the relationship no matter other factors. i have decided to R with my boyfriend, and although i know things are not going to be easy, it's a path i'm willing to cross at this point in my life. will i always? i have no idea, but at this point i am.

update on my bf: things are slowly getting better. he's been clean for 2 weeks tomorrow. he's admitted that he's an addict, in his roundabout sort of way. our lines of communication are so much better, but it's just a start. we'll see...


"i wish i could just stop. i know another moment will break my heart. too many tears, too many times, too many years i've cried over you." - **from the edge of the deep green sea** by the cure


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2008 | From: ca
healingtree
Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 27th (Friday)

claudia...

I was not trying to diminish the meaning of Pukas relationship...just asking her to think about herself first. Put her life and value first before his.

If she is looking for someone to have a family with in the long run...someone who believes pot is not a drug wouldn't be a wise choice...

If their relationship is meant to be...then it will be...but it is up to her to choose what she is willing to put up with.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
brknluv
New Member
Member # 19841
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 27th (Friday)

So sad for all of us here...my STBXWH and I have two toddlers together and because of his addiction and the emotional toll it took on me I decided to go NC with him since June 13,2008. My last words to him was that I would not allow him to see our children until he made a commitment to sobriety and enroll in a drug program. I will not subject my children to his habitual drug use and see him high around my kids any longer. They will grow up to think it's normal and it's not.

Regardless of what has happened to our failed marriage bottom line is, he put his needs before his children. It's not in my place to punish him but it is in my place to protect the safety of our children.

He hasn't seen his children in two months and has had no contact whatsoever. I never forbid him to call but ultimately it's been his choice to continue his destructive behavior. If I allow him to see the children and they become attached to him, how do I explain to my very young children if he dies because of his substance abuse?

Here I am trying to pick up the pieces to my life and soul because I thought I could stand by my H and help him overcome his demons. I finally realized that I can't help him...he needs to want it and change it himself.

I wish everyone luck and yes, read up on co-dependency books and see if you see yourself in that situation to make any final decisions.


(edited for spelling)

[This message edited by brknluv at 11:31 AM, June 27th (Friday)]


"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
openbook
Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, June 27th (Friday)

(((brknluv)))

You are a courageous and wise woman. You're right to protect your children and you're right to go NC. Your H just might save his life because of it.

wishing you and your babies all the best!


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
healingtree
Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 28th (Saturday)

brknluv...good job in standing up for your kids in your situation.

My H's ex-wife is an addict as well...she has completely abandoned my step-son(9)

My H is sober now, and in hindsight, his drunken behavior around the kids, had it continued, would have probably knocked me off the fence eventually, even if he had not been caught cheating.

I pray that my H can stay sober, he is the only parent left really for my SS...

What can you tell a kid whose mom/dad chooses drugs over them?

We are as honest as possible.
I always tell my stepson that I am sure that his mom does love him in her heart, but that she is lost because of her drug problem, and she has to find herself before she can be a good mother to him.

She'll sober up for a week or so...try to contact him, tell us shes getting better, then dive right back in.

Sending prayers to all the kids affected by addicted parents....


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
halfbaked
Member
Member # 17636
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, June 29th (Sunday)

I had been R with an addict untill last Sun. I thought things where getting better in our marriage he had slipped up & I busted him high a few times but he always promised. Well he had bought me some jewelry earlier that week & I found the reciept he lied about how much it cost by $125. When I confronted him he denied at first but finally told me he spent it on drugs & told me he wanted a D. The next day I had 5 or 6 people call me to let me know he had been cheating on me with a girl that waits tables at the bar & grill he worked at. Now since Feb he has lost 3 jobs, his truck, his home, wife & kids all for a pill. I am so heart broken & I know I have got to D him. I just dont know if I will be strong enough.

I am sorry I couldnt find one that is for D an addict & I am going crazy & needed someone to talk to. My freinds dont want to hear about it because they think I'll let him come back agian.

To everyone who is R I wish you so much luck. But do not let them get away with anything I dont think this would hurt so bad if I'd listen to my gut.


Me-31
Him-28
Daughter-5 ours
Son-11 mine
Married 6 1/2 yrs
Together 9


We deserve better me & my kids will never come second to a pill, a whore, or a drug dealer ever agian.


Posts: 218 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ky
openbook
Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 30th (Monday)

((((halfbaked))))

Hang in there sweetie. Keep focused on taking good care of yourself and your kids.

I'm here to listen and I can offer a cyber shoulder to cry on if you need it.


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
brknluv
New Member
Member # 19841
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, June 30th (Monday)

Thanks Openbook & Healingtree I'm trying day by day. My children give me the strength to move forward.

Hang in there Halfbaked, it is a difficult decision and it is hard to let go of an addict. I hung in there for my stbxh somehow convincing myself that I could help him with his addiction and somehow forgive the first A, then the second A. I couldn't do it anymore. I deserve so much more and so do you.

My prayers to all and I'll keep posting because although I know that I made the right decision, I still ache for the man I once knew and pray that he seeks recovery.


"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
lovedontlivehere
Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

I see that some in here are dealing with addict boyfriends. I'm not alone...Yay!

Although R isn't even a consideration at this point, I'm glad others are giving it a shot. Maybe if he'll get a lot of long term treatment I'll think about it but not now.

Good luck!


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
hope610
Member
Member # 16161
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

I can not imagine staying as long as I did if we weren't married or hadn't had 2 children. If you are not married at least you should separate or just be friends until your addict can become sober.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Michigan
openbook
Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

wow... I guess R 'ing with an addict takes so much time and energy we haven't any left for this thread.

Know that I am thinking of you all!


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
ScribblingMum
Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

Yeah..I'd like to hear more in this thread...:)


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
openbook
Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

Anyone know how to balance "staying out" of your S's recovery and staying connected and in the know enough to feel comfortable in an intimate relationship with them??

I didn't write that well but I think you all will get my question.


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
ScribblingMum
Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, July 21st (Monday)

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
HOW is everyone doing this week?

I think this thread is important...my WS is a former drug/alcohol abuse (many moons ago) but the porn was hidden & went on until our 1st D-day...

See my sig. line...

I'm still not ready for him to come home yet...but we need to encourage one another here!

Interestingly, my Ws says that even though he won't drink ...he feels like it now that he isn't acting out sexually now...

Do any of you blog about your WS's addiction?


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Not many folks posting? Anyone having any luck R'ing with an addict?

Good luck to all

I'm just looking in from the sidelines (no R in process with alcoholic stbxwh)...


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
claudiasometimes
Member
Member # 19361
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

so far, so good with me. in fact, my fwbf and i took a mini camping vacation last week and had some really good conversations about his cheating and his addictions and how they've impacted me. we definitely connected on a level we hadn't yet, which gives me home. granted, we haven't been at it for too long, but i guess you've gotta start somewhere.


"i wish i could just stop. i know another moment will break my heart. too many tears, too many times, too many years i've cried over you." - **from the edge of the deep green sea** by the cure


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2008 | From: ca
halfbaked
Member
Member # 17636
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, July 31st (Thursday)

Hey all! I took my H to rehab Monday night. I havent been able to talk to him yet I have to wait till tomarrow. I have called each evening to check on him & the nurses say he is doing better than expected. He has alot of depression & thats about it for now. I am so proud that he got himself in this program.

I am really pissed right now though. My in-laws called a little while ago & said when they called to check on him earlier they got to talk to him. First of all why would the rehab not follow the rules??? 2nd I am his wife the only one who told him he needed this & I haent got to talk to him. I havent even tried I call once a day ask how he is doing & that is it. Maybe its wrong of me to be so upset over this but I am pissed

I was wondering if anyone has any advice for me on how to help him when he gets out.

Also I really wasnt planning on letting him come home right after rehab (I wawnted to do some MC first). But on the way to rehab he mentioned that he told his room mate he'd probably be living at home after he got out. I didnt say anyting about it. After thinking about it his room mate does drugs to & doesnt care to share. So wouldnt it be best if I did let him come home after he got out??? Dont get me wrong I love him so much & cannot wait untill he is back home with us but I also want to make sure he plans on staying clean & doing whats best for his family first rather than having to go through moving him in & right back out it is to hard on me & the kids so I dont know.

Thanks in advance for any advice


Me-31
Him-28
Daughter-5 ours
Son-11 mine
Married 6 1/2 yrs
Together 9


We deserve better me & my kids will never come second to a pill, a whore, or a drug dealer ever agian.


Posts: 218 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ky
claudiasometimes
Member
Member # 19361
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

i don't have first hand experience on this, but all i can say is go with your gut feeling. it's usually right. how long is his rehab program? if you have a few weeks at least, i would recommend starting IC if you aren't already. perhaps a therapist can help you sort out how you're feeling about him coming home and the repercussions of him moving in or not. good luck! and stay strong sweetie!


"i wish i could just stop. i know another moment will break my heart. too many tears, too many times, too many years i've cried over you." - **from the edge of the deep green sea** by the cure


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2008 | From: ca
halfbaked
Member
Member # 17636
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

He is supposed to be in for 10 days. I really cant afford IC right now. He has been unemployed since he left & I just passed my state boards last month. Since going to work before school started not only meant I would have to pay for daycare for my kids but that I would also loose the $500 I get a month for the kid I babysit (easy money) I decided to wait until they went back to school to start working. I had $3000 stashed back but that is gonna be gone in a week or 2 when I finish paying this months bills.

Well me & the kids just got home. H had to have anti depressants & for some reason they made me bring them to him prescribed by his family Dr. We got to see him even though he wasnt supposed to have visitors untill after tomarrow. I told them I wouldnt be able to come back untill he was released since it is an hour & a half drive each way & they said they understood & let me see him for a few minutes. He looks so good not high I swear you can really tell a differance in his over all looks.

[This message edited by halfbaked at 9:25 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]


Me-31
Him-28
Daughter-5 ours
Son-11 mine
Married 6 1/2 yrs
Together 9


We deserve better me & my kids will never come second to a pill, a whore, or a drug dealer ever agian.


Posts: 218 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ky
Bitaken
New Member
Member # 20521
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

I am dealing with this hard core right now. I dealt with the addiction horribly and I know it. I found out about a crack addiction in december 07 and instead of immediately getting her help I ridiculed and mocked and called her horrible names and then, ignored her and the problem. It was easier for me, and totally the wrong thing to do.

I am fairly confident at this point that the drug addiction caused the A but that does not make it any easier to deal with. Also, my lack of proper response and dealing with the situation just makes it harder.

She is in Rehab hundreds of miles away from me and the kids - I got them out of the house when the addiction finally got so bad she stole money from her mother who is on SS to the tune of 17K.

She has said all the right things so far, but not to my face, and I know she has a lot to deal with coming off the drugs.

This is terribly difficult, complex and really becoming a waiting game to see what will happen.

Glad I found this place.

[This message edited by Bitaken at 7:39 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


DDay -7/30/2008

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: RI
brknluv
New Member
Member # 19841
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Welcome to SI Bit,

I read your profile and I'm sorry to hear about the pain you are going through. I completely understand what you are experiencing and wish I could send some words of wisdom your way to ease the hurt and anxiety. However, the only thing I can recommend is that you keep the focus on healing yourself (body, mind, and soul).

It took me a long time to accept the fact that I was a codependent dealing with my husband's addiction. All my emotions and energy went towards his multiple attempts at recovery and battling his demons. Somehow, it took multiple A's to make me realize that I will no longer have the husband he once was and had to think about our children and my well being to have some normalcy back into my life.

My only advice to you is go see your doctor for IC, anti-d's or family support. Because I too am still dealing with letting go of a drug addict and trying to focus on my life once and for all. I recommend some reading material you may want to try, "Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie. I hope this helps and keep posting.

With luck,
Brknluv

p.s. feel free to read my profile and pm me.


"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
futureseemsbleak
Member
Member # 16642
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, August 12th (Tuesday)

Does your addict also have an addictive personality?
How do they treat you when you are out to dinner, etc? Are they still selfish?

I am R with one, now for five months. Yes, the ups and downs are there. Recently, I felt completely disrespected when he choose to speak with a woman whom he did not know. Of course, she thought he was single since there was no ring on the finger "that day". Also, seating himself before me, ordering before me etc.

When I bring things up, which I have learned to do now, we end up in a fighting match and my anxiety spirals out of control for days.

I am slowly accepting the fact that H will forever be in recovery. But when he displays his outgoing personality to someone he doesn't know, it really makes me feel worthless.

I recently found an article in a magazine about our choices. It weighs heavily on reacting or creating. We can either react to a given situation or create good things for ourselves.

Easier said than done. It is hard to control our internal emotional feelings again and again. Rebuilding our trust banks takes time and focus. It is very hard to build the bank up just a quarter of the way then whammo it is back to square one.

BS must choose to lead their own paths and establish boundaries they will accept. When our spouses display inappropriate behavior we must learn to call them on it even though they become defensive, but soon it does sink in that it is unacceptable in our eyes.

Dr says it will take two years clean to even begin to accomplish a good life.


Posts: 227 | Registered: Oct 2007
halfbaked
Member
Member # 17636
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)

I picked my H up Friday morning at rehab. He acts like he really gets it now. He also says he understands now that I wasnt just bitching that he truly did hurt me & the kids & he will not do that to us agian. I have made a I need list I havent read it to him yet. I have told him a couple of them & he agrees & understands I need these things. Here it is

I need all your free time for us!
I need to know you are being honest!
I need you to be completely open to me!
I need you to know even if I will get mad you cannot lie to me!
I need consant reassurance you are devoted to me & the kids!
I need all your love the way it was before drugs got in the way!
I need you to know I will not tolerate any lies if you do it will be over!

Feel free for any suggustions on things that need to be added.

I know now that the way I dealt with him & his addiction in the past was wrong & breaking that habit is very hard. In the past I would yell & scream & put him down for it. I think I was trying to guilt him into stopping you know making him feel like shit so he wouldnt do it anymore. Now I am gonna try my best to not let my anger take over & to try & be understanding & supportive. Yes I do expect for him to fall of the wagon but I want him to feel comfertable to talk to me about it & let me help him to not do it agian. The biggest problem I had with his addiction wasnt even the addiction it was all the lies. I know that probably doesnt make sense but it really was. He is out doing odd jobs right now trying to make money to get our bills caught up & trying to get a real job to. I love him so much & I can tell as for right now he gets it & wants to save our family. So as long as he is trying & being truthfull I swill stand by him & be here for him.

Bitaken I feel for you but reading your post reminded me so much of me. Good luck I hope your W is doing as good as my H seems to be when she gets out. I often wonder if they will ever truly understand how much pain they have inflicted on us. In a way I really dont think they could deal with it.

I am glad to see some people posting on here now!!!


Me-31
Him-28
Daughter-5 ours
Son-11 mine
Married 6 1/2 yrs
Together 9


We deserve better me & my kids will never come second to a pill, a whore, or a drug dealer ever agian.


Posts: 218 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ky
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, August 25th (Monday)

bump


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
jerect
Member
Member # 20189
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

I'm glad for this thread. My WH is also a drug addict.

I don't even know where to start because writing my story all over again is just way to painful.

My mother in law and my myself are in the early stages of planning an intervention. Does anyone have any experiance with this?

So not only am I trying to R with my WH who works with the FOW, I'm going to have to soon say goodbye to him for at least 6 weeks while he is at rehab.

I'm honestly at the end of my rope. If he refuses rehab, I think I'm just going to cut my losses. We have no children, but we will have one big financial mess when everything is said and done.


ME: BS 33
Him WH 33
D DAY 06/21/08 Busted
D DAY #2 07/20/08 Found a condom
D Day #3 07/24/08 Found out OW's real name
D Day #4 08/22/08 Found out OW works with WH
R Status 01/16/08... R'ng is going well and I'm working on forgivness

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: GA
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, September 1st (Monday)

In my situation, the only thing that helped is when I detached. We went through the fighting, the lies, the unacceptable behavior.

And then H was arrest for DUI. I was sitting home with his mom, who HE invited over for dinner, and he never showed up. I finally tracked him down hours later - at the police station. The found him wandering around a busy highway - on foot - after he crashed the car. They had trouble booking him because he kept falling asleep, he was covered in his own urine. It was about 12 hours before he woke up enough to be processed by the intake nurse at the ER, after his FATHER bailed him out.

I refused to bail him out. I figured after many warnings, he still made that mess and I wasn't gonna just clear it up for him. I did go to the ER in the AM after I got the kids to a babysitter. When the nurse asked him if he wanted to go to rehab he asked me what he should do.

My answer? It is totally your decision. No matter what happens you aren't comiing home with me, you are on your own now. I told him if he wanted to live I'd recommend rehab, but it wasn't my decision.

He did his rehab stint, and I still didn't take him back right away. He went to a halfway house. After he stayed clean there for a while, I took him back.

And you know what? He has been clean, sober, and OW for 2 years now. There is always hope. But as much as we want to, it isn't something WE can do for them.


(((hugs))) for all who find themselves here.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
healingtree
Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, September 1st (Monday)

R'ing with an addict has an additional challenge...

The double whammy of fear/doubt regarding them having another A, and fear/doubt that they will be able to stay sober.

I wonder if there are different kinds of "addiction behavior"...are there some addicts that act out to sooth underlying psychological issues, and then others who have that addictive brain chemistry?


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, October 30th (Thursday)

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
GreenEyedMe
Member
Member # 21452
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, November 3rd (Monday)

Hi, just wanted to jump in and say hello. My WH has been in NA for almost 3 weeks. I am starting to break the ties and have started filling out the divorce papers. Although filling out and filing are 2 different matters. I know it's the right thing to do but it's still hard. I'm realizing that I am a cody and trying to heal myself first!


Me - BS
Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2008
heartbroken29
New Member
Member # 21721
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, November 21st (Friday)

I am new here and so glad that I found this site. My husband is a drug addict. We have been together for 14 years, but only married for 5. We have a 10 year old son together. He has been in prison for most of the last 10 years. He recently was released and everything was great. A few months ago he started using again. He has since stolen everything of value out of our home, rented my car for drugs, and the lastest, stole my son's birthday gifts. I kicked him out after that. We are still in contact, but I know that a divorce is what I need to do. I am heartbroken and feel so alone. I di not understand what could make a person hurt the people they love and that love them. I try to stay strong at work and while at home with my son. But at night all that strength goes away and I fall apart. I have been seeinf an IC for a few weeks. I know what I need to do, but can't seem to make myself do it. I love him so much, but I am trying to realize that I can not change him. Thank you for reading my story.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Jacksonville FL
PoorTwistedMe
Member
Member # 20956
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, November 21st (Friday)

Just noticed this thread. My WH is/was also an addict with cross-addictions. He is a Sex Addict, Drug Addict (cocaine), and Alcoholic. The Drug & Alcohol addictions have been managed but they were so scarey... theft, destruction of property, sucide attempts, physical & mental abuse, in & out of jail, etc... you name it. He had been through programs and treatment centers (in-patient & out-patient)over the past decade or so... it has been a very long road to recovery... many years with many relapses along the way. Thankfully, he has been straight-sober for some time now. However, his sex addiction (which was linked to the other addictions)was underground all that time and didnt come to light until Aug-Sept of this year (read my profile) under terrible circumstances. Now he works a 12Step for his SA issues (and to reinforce this continuing sobriety from Drugs & Alcohol as well)... again, its a tough time, but he is working very hard- has a very long way to go though. I just give credit to his consistent actions only. I learned the hard way to NEVER believe anything you hear from an addicts mouth, and only believe half of what you see. Addicts are very clever manipulators at "showing" you things that appear as steps in the right direction... Just know, for better or worse, only consistent actions over time will reveal the truth of who they are and what they are doing.
Unfortunately, overcoming addiction is never a "quick fix"... one or two stints in a treatment center doesnt even come close to amending the issues- it only starts the process. I didnt fully understand the true meaning of that when WH was going through all his Drug & Alcohol issues... but I get it clear as a bell now. I mean, I Really get it! Sadly.
I do know that even though he no longer uses Drugs & Alcohol that he very much needs the support of his 12 Step, as he told me about his last ONS "If I would have found some cocaine that night instead, I know I would have probably relapsed with cocaine instead of having an ONS." That tells me in bold colors that he still has unresolved issues with his dependency... he viewed his ONS (which was a 3-minute anonymous semi-f*ck in a parking lot and then he high-tailed it outta there)as a "fix" for his habit.
Again, miles to go for my WH... but he will get there, I hope.


Twisted

DDay- 14 Aug 08, 16 Sept 08, 22 Sept 08, 7 Oct 08, 27 & 28 April 09
Trickle Truth is Brutality


Posts: 150 | Registered: Sep 2008
openbook
Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, December 1st (Monday)

I wonder if there are different kinds of "addiction behavior"...are there some addicts that act out to sooth underlying psychological issues, and then others who have that addictive brain chemistry?

good question, healingtree.

I don't know the "facts" on this but my guess is that it's likely there are two (or more) types of addicts.

I'll have to look into it further...


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
aprilbetdme
Member
Member # 21211
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, December 9th (Tuesday)

"openbook" have you tried Al-anon. I know it has helped me very much.
good luck and remember his addictions are not your fault


year later.
Hard to believe that I put so much into the relationship with WW.
I did learn many valuable lessons that Iíve taken onto my next relationship.

Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.


Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: minnesota
savvyhippie
New Member
Member # 19238
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, December 10th (Wednesday)

I too belong here and wish I didn't. After a major shift in his understanding of how he hurt me in May 2008, I felt more secure and was intending to make a romantic proposal in the New Year that we start over in this marriage with honesty and commitment.
Then I found the most stupid lie, he went to a movie, I found the ticket, and didn't tell me. He just avoided all mention and led me to believe his bush walk with a group took extra long time. As I confronted him about his lie he quickly admitted to broken promise or two, accessing a bikini site. Harmless in itself but he had undertaken to not along with the porn. He deleted the history. He said he would not do that previously.
A week later his full admission turned out to be another lie, more access this time to porn on line. Minor slip ups or just lies about stupid inconsequential stuff.
Romantic proposition is off. Reconsidering my directions including re-introducing condoms to our marriage. My life is worth it.


DANCE as though no one is watching you. LOVE as though you have never been hurt before. SING as though no one can hear you. LIVE as though Heaven is on Earth ... Souza

Posts: 20 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NSW, Australia
openbook
Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, December 19th (Friday)

aprilbetdme, I went to Al anon meetings for awhile and read a bit of the literature. I agree with much of the philosophy but it didn't work well for me in practical terms.

I'll explain further if anyone is interested.

ETA: hugs for savvy...sweetie I'm so sorry!

(((savvyhippie)))

[This message edited by openbook at 6:39 PM, December 19th (Friday)]


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
sickened
Member
Member # 18250
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, December 19th (Friday)

this is me, I guess. I think I am R'ing for now.

I have an overwhelming feeling that I will never trust him, though. not even because of an inentional betrayal on his part, but that he isn't capable of complete honesty because of the addiction.

its really hard for me to settle for that.


BW 48
FWH 59 recovering alcoholic
M 17 years
4 kids (ours): 9, 12, 14, 16
1 grown (his): 30
DDay 2/16/08 w/ 26 year old (vomit) after a year of false MC
Status: trying

Posts: 733 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: MA
usedup
Member
Member # 11701
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, December 29th (Monday)

Well I guess I have found another part of SI that I belong.
My H has been addicted to lies,secrecy,pot,deception,pills,an lta and a constant cycle of keeping chaos in our lives.
My H formerly abused pot in his younger years.He developed an addiction to Rx painkillers and has relapsed.
I caught him and confronted him and the status of our R is still being determined,in part by what steps he will take to get clean and stay clean.
Following the night I caught him,he has not touched them again so far.He is in search of new therapy and is doing reading on his own in the meantime.
I plan to read this entire thread and apologize for posting without reading everyone's struggles in advance.
This is the first time I've ever said this in this way,I'm UU,my H is an addict.I am a recovering codependent.

[This message edited by usedup at 9:02 PM, December 29th (Monday)]


Posts: 15831 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: found
momofliketriplet
Member
Member # 22127
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, January 2nd (Friday)

My WH has an alcohol addiction and just those sheer words scare the shit out of him. He has gone to one AA meeting and was very moved by it. He will probably go to another tomorrow. There was a quiz they gave "newbies" and he passed it with flying colors as far as alcohol addition.

He seems to be accepting it. I am trying to support him. Last night we went to dinner for the first time since I found out about the A. It was also our 10 yr anniversary and first day I told him he could come home.

Instead of ordering a drink, he ordered a tea. I ordered a shake. I didn't want to drink a wine in front of him even though he said I could.

I'm nervous because we are going away in two weeks to an all inclusive. I KNOW I'm going to want to at least have one drink only I don't want to do it in front of him... I actually feel guilty...


Dday 12/10/08 EA to PA to EA "This is the fear This is the dread These are the contents of my head Do you know how I feel? Why?" Annie Lennox

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Cognitive Turmoil
openbook
Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, January 3rd (Saturday)

(((uu)))
(((momofliketriplet)))

WELCOME! we are a quiet group...but I, for one, will do my best to provide support and help us all navigate these rough waters!!



Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, February 1st (Sunday)

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
healingtree
Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, February 1st (Sunday)

This is a slow thread...but just wanted to say that if anyone needs some support...I'm here on SI almost every day.

Big Hug


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
justsad
New Member
Member # 20652
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, February 16th (Monday)

I am not sure that I belong in this forum but couldn't find another one that I thought was appropriate. I need some advice/words of encouragement. This is my story (short version):

About a year ago, FHW told me out of the blue that he had an A - but that he had ended it and she was still calling/bothering him and he couldn't take the guilt amymore and the secrecy and stuff so he told me. I was floored!!!! I had NO idea! (Actually about 5 months earlier I had a clue but I was SO dumb and trusting that I believe his story) Anyway - here's how it relates to this forum:

My FWH used to use drugs a lot before I met him and did some casually while I was dating him as well. I knew all about this and did not give him a hard time at all about his past. When we were first married, we hung out with some friends who would occasionally smoke and he did as well with them - I new about these few times and didn't have a problem with it. But I thought this was only happening occasionally and with my knowledge. I actually did not really think about it or worry about it. OK - then we went on to have 2 beautiful children, buy a house, have what I thought was the "perfect family/marriage"! I was truly happy!

OK - then came the admission of the A which he explained as this - Right after our first som was born, he was out with friends from work one night (which I knew about) but got very drunk and called a former "friend" from college who he used to smoke with to see if he could get that or do that with her. He said that was the first time that he called her since college and he ended up smoking in her car and cheating on me for the first time that night. He has always maintained that this was "A drunken night" that spun out of control. He said that she would call him every few months after that threatening to tell me and so he would meet up with her to stop her from telling. Eaach meeting involved smoking and cheating. He swears that it was every few months and that it was only when she called and started threatening. OK - all that being said - we started MC and I decided to work on R from the beginning. We had two amazing kids who he was really a great father too and I was going to try my best to work through it!

OK - fast forward to this weekend - basically in a nutshell I found out that he was lying about lying! It turns out that he had been meeting up with her to smoke and get drugs from her since the beginning of our marriage and before our first child was born. He said that he didn't tell me because he knew the A stuff would kill me and he didn't want to make it worse. He still swears that it just started out as meeting her because he knew she could supply him with what he wanted and that the cheating really didn't start until a long time after (like he had said to me soon after our first child was born).

So, I don't know what to do with this - we had been going to MC for a year and working through this but now it is a completely different situation. The only thing that is keeping me think that I can get through this is that I am now thinking that the drugs really played and comtrolled him and this whole situation and that we never really looked at it that way. I am thinking that maybe if he/we really look at this more a a real drug problem then maybe he/we can work through this and save our marriage. I mean he was really living a double life throughout our marriage - one life was controlled by drugs and secrecy because of that and the other life was this great father, husband and family life. Seriously, we had told nobody except MC and no one still suspects a problem - that is how "normal" we look to everyone else! BUT if the drug life really made him lie/cheat and risk EVERYTHING - I have to think that that is a true drug problem!!!

I am sorry - this was so long but please help me with advice - is iot possible to save this marriage?


Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2008
openbook
Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, February 26th (Thursday)

(((justsad)))

I believe, truly believe, that change is possible. But it is going to be a long long hard road and there are no guarantees. Your H has to want to do the work, the really really hard work. While I believe it is possible, I don't believe that many addicts actually accomplish it.

Is your H currently using?


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
justsad
New Member
Member # 20652
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, March 1st (Sunday)

Thanks Openbook for responding. YYes - my H says he will do anything to save this M and now that the drug addiction is out in the open - he says he will do anything to work on that too. He swears that he is not using anymore and I think I believe him but I really don't know what is what anymore. Like I said we have been in MC since D-Day (which was like I said an admission by him when I really had NO idea). He has begun seeing our MC individually for now but she is giving him the names of other therapists, drug counselors, meetings, etc. HE still tells me constantly that he will do anything he needs to do for the rest of his life if that is what he needs to do! I have looked into Nar-Anon meetings around here and will probably start that, as he is also going to start NA meetings. The hardest part (well one of them anyway) is that I never knew about any of this! AND that is disturbing on so many levels (as far as the past and the future is concerned!).

We have remained together throughout this whole experience and like I said we have told nobody about this (except MC) and that is VERY important to me because if we get through this - I NEVER want my children to find out about this. My children (I really truly believe) are actually in a very loving family with a mother and father who love them more than words can explain and they have and still feel that way!

Sometimes I just wonder if I am doing the right thing by not leaving, seperating or even telling anyone else.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2008
openbook
Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, March 2nd (Monday)

The hardest part (well one of them anyway) is that I never knew about any of this! AND that is disturbing on so many levels

I know what you mean!!! My H relasped and was using for 4 years totally behind my back. He was so good at keeping it hidden that I know he could do it again if he choose to.

My two older children do know about their dad's addiction. I have mixed feelings about that but since they know I try to see it as a positive. We can have frank discussions of the devastating effects about drug use/abuse now in a different way then when they didn't know. I do worry that we will hear "Well Dad did it" down the line though. Guess I'll cross that bridge if it comes.

Sounds like your H wants to make it. That's wonderful!!

Hang in there and just do the best you can each day and the future will take care of itself.

open



Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
justsad
New Member
Member # 20652
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)

Thanks for all your responses and support - tomorrow is 1 year since he told me about the affair.

He is at his first NA mtg. tonight - well see how it goes...


Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2008
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, April 4th (Saturday)

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
futureseemsbleak
Member
Member # 16642
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, April 4th (Saturday)

After taking WS back the first time, I really believed, at the very least, some truth would be said. Well, here we are S'd again and he has never been transparent about his A's and there hasn't been much respect.

It is so sad that he is a completely different person than the one I fell in love with and married decades ago. I feel I have given him chance after chance and it all just comes back to hurt me more and more. I have learned to stand my ground and not accept any of his cruel comments and lies. I am just sick to death of all of it.

In my opinion, I truly believe that the drugs were nothing more than a pain reliever for the real underlying issues that he just can't seem to bring to the surface and deal with them.

The majority of his healing will not even begin to take place if he doesn't acknowledge his emotional insecurities of his childhood. Most of addictions are due to some lack of emotional stigmas early on in life. The "family disease" becomes intergenerational and continues until it is recognized and out in the open. Like my WS, it does and did intensify in later years.

It is very difficult for them to go back to that period where you have to acknowledge that it is a parent whom you loved so much, but there is where the real problem lies.
Issues like controlling, narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, selfish, lack of empathy, and especially looking at the parent childhood can be the deeply rooted issue affecting who they are and also the extreme pain they are experiencing.

Addiction is very complex and it controls everything you do. Though an addict knows right from wrong, he will continually justify and project his behavior onto his loved ones to make him feel better. Inevitably, the transferring of his behavior on us, when we have not yet realized that we aren't paranoid and crazy, affects our self worth, esteem and total lack of confidence. We fall apart at the drop of a hat, and can easily be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Then, hopefully, we need help for ourselves through SI or individual counseling. There , we are taught what we think seems selfish in ways, but is actually our best medicine in looking at ourselves and renewing who we really are.

The disappointments of the WS/addict will continue only if we let them. We have to stand our ground when their behavior is unacceptable and only be accountable for ourselves.

We all have the loving thoughts of rescuing our beloved, but after we go from being a doormat to the person we really are, life will change for us and then we will be stronger for the difficult decision of staying or letting them go. Either choice will have its anxiety, grief, stress and sadness that we will have to accept and the days of moving forward will be an outcome of peace in time.

Prayers to all of you who are dealing with such devastation and hurt. Please take care of you :)


Posts: 227 | Registered: Oct 2007
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, May 9th (Saturday)

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
ImTorn
New Member
Member # 23947
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, May 10th (Sunday)

Im new to this forum, and this is my first post.

I belong in this thread. My partner is an addict. It was kept from me for nearly two years, and as someone else has posted on this thread, it is most definately the lies that effect you more, imo. I found out in winter 08. He has been clean for 4 months.

D-day was 3 weeks ago. OP was my little sister (Guess I should be posting on the double betrayal thread as well). It lasted about 2 months or so, and he claims ended in August 08, and happened during the deepest grips of his addiction.

He wants to R. He has really thrown himself into his recovery, starting his 12-steps, attending more meetings, etc., and tells me everyday that he wants to 'be a better person'. And says he knows I wont believe him, and that is fine, that i should just wait and let him prove it.

I want to believe him so much. There is nothing I can do for him, and, these last 3 weeks have proved that, despite what I thought, I dont need him. Its only my love for him that will keep us together, but i'm not even sure of that anymore.

I just want to add, that he is not a bad person, although I told him that he was . And I never, ever expected him to do this to me, ever, ever, ever. I made the number one mistake of trusting him blindly. And now I have no idea what to do. We are currently seperated.


Posts: 1 | Registered: May 2009
WorkinonMe
New Member
Member # 24000
Target  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 14th (Thursday)

My WS relapsed at the beginning of this year. It was very difficult for me to understand all of the lies and stories and where they were coming from but now I know...Crack. He always smoked pot and I dismissed that for so many years but the devastation of the affair really made me look at our relationship and when he confessed to me in February after his relapse it all started making sense...all of my suspicions, doubts, fears, questions everything was answered right then and there. He refuses to admit that he has a problem and that he can just quit but with the research that I've done and what I've seen here and other forums I am slowly giving up hope for whatever once was if it was ever really what I thought it was. I just feel so taken advantage of and can only blame myself for being so nieve.


BS-30
WS-31
HS Sweethearts, Married 9 of 16 years together.
Kids - 2 (13,7)
D-Day: 9/6/2007

Music washes away from the soul, the dust of everyday life.


Posts: 2 | Registered: May 2009
openbook
Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, May 14th (Thursday)

((((WorkinonMe&ImTorn))))

all I have is hugs, no advice. Wish I did, I just know that I don't have any answers. This is a very slow thread...don't know why except maybe R'ing with a addict is so difficult, confusing, exhausting. I don't know.

Hang in there and check out al anon if you haven't already.

open


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
heartbroken29
New Member
Member # 21721
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 19th (Tuesday)

This is my 2nd post. Short history.
My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 6. We have a 10 year old son. My husband's drug of choice is crack. He is addicted.
I have almost come to my breaking point. Every time I think he is actually doing good he takes off.
The last straw was this weekend. He took his check which was supposed to be used for groceries and blew it on drugs. I told him that he either gets help or get out. I have had enough.
And to make things worse, my son now knows what is going on. I can not go on like this any longer. Before he got out I had everything I could ever want except him. Now I have him and nothing else. He has taken everything and I continue allowing him back in.
I finally know that I am not the only one out there dealing with an addicted spouse. Thank you for listening. I have no one else to talk to.

heartbroken


Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Jacksonville FL
WorkinonMe
New Member
Member # 24000
Wink  Posted: 9:54 PM, May 20th (Wednesday)

(((heartbroken29)))

I've found it helpful researching addiction and specifically crack addiction. It is a lot different than other drugs in that it is the most addictive and can change even the most loving person. Crackheads are very deceiving and will take advantage wherever they can. It was just recommended to me to read a book called Co-Dependent No More to help become a stronger person. I hope this is of some help...stay strong!

Workin'


BS-30
WS-31
HS Sweethearts, Married 9 of 16 years together.
Kids - 2 (13,7)
D-Day: 9/6/2007

Music washes away from the soul, the dust of everyday life.


Posts: 2 | Registered: May 2009
flowermom
Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, May 30th (Saturday)

Addicts of all kinds have the same kinds of issues. It is often biological and is difficult, if not impossible for them to change. They are liars and often have multiple addictions. If you are involved with an addict, prepare for a very rough road. The drug of choice, be it alcohol, pot, crack, meth, sex or whatever, comes first in their lives. Prepare and protect yourself. Get more education or job training. Save money and hide it. What ever you do, don't let the addict know you have some money stashed away. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
heartbroken29
New Member
Member # 21721
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday)

Well, I have an update.

Husband went to rehab over the weekend. We found out I am pregnant again. I moved out of our plave and moved back in with my mother. I can not afford to make it on my own.

He will be in rehab for 28 days. After that I am not sure what is going to happen.

I am going to look for low income apartments this weekend so my son and I can have our own place again.

I am so worried all the time. It is not good for me or the baby. I am 7 weeks along. I do not know what to do.

I love my husband and I want him to be there for his children, but I am scared that going to rehab was just a way to shut me up. But then again he has never taken this step before.

Thank you all again for listening.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Jacksonville FL
linbol
Member
Member # 15008
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday)

heartbroken29,
You are in my prays and i do understand how you keep taking him back. Sooner or later and only when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired are you going to tell him enough. And it may not have to be the end of your marriage unless that is what you want. I have been through the same thing. When drugs became more important to him than his family eating or having money to pay the bills it was time for me to make a decision so he had to go and i had actually said it was over i could no longer take it. This all happened in March Of 09. He was in a program for 28 days not long enough. i told him I loved him but he could not come home until he was completely sober and a changed person because the drugs had changed him so much. when he finished that program he went right into another it is a spiritual base program and he is going strong still he is such a different person now and he will be there for another 6 months. Do i miss him? yes. But I know this is what he needs so i have to cut down my expenses a lot but that is ok because i much rather he get the help he needs to recover and remain recovered. You can Pm me if you like. you are in my prays.

Posts: 330 | Registered: Jun 2007
cautiousoptimist
Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, June 9th (Tuesday)

I don't know if any of this is good or bad. My husband now has 98 days clean and has been in rehb the whole time. I didn't find out until a month in that he has had several ONS witht he neighbor and one with basically a prostitute/drug addict. He says the right things some of the time, but I don't feel anything coming from him. He says since he's been sober his emotions have flatlined. I think that's fairly normal for someone who's been in a drugged-out haze for nearly 30 years, but I tolf him to talk to his sponsor and rehab specialist about it. We have dates in the future for MC an d he's got a date for IC. I'm thinking of IC and maybe some anti-d's for myself. I have availed myself of all the articles, FAQ's, in the healing library and have emailed him lots of info I've gotten here. He of course wants me to "move on," says I am torturing myself and him needlessly by rehashing it all. I've tried to be clear that this is the process, some good days, some bad days. All his STD tests came back negative but I can't bring myself to contemplate going there. There was NO hysterical bonding, just me being clearer and calmer than ever. I want some emotion from him. Trying to get clear about my needs vs my wants for conditions of his return. I think 6 months sober, a steady job, and doing chores w/o being asked are so far my bare minimums. I also want to feel understood, that he cares enough to suffer with me, not just shut me down when it gets hard. He argues and has been nitpicky which I can't fathom. I told him maybe sometime in the future I could listen to his ideas about better grocery shopping, but that right now the only things I want to hear out of his mouth are love and support, seriously. Does this seem reasonable? He said of course he's willing to do whatever i want, "within reason." I said he should be willing to do what I want even if it seems unreasonable to him, because it's the willingness that counts. Yes?


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
longwaytofall
New Member
Member # 23605
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, June 16th (Tuesday)

CO -

I said he should be willing to do what I want even if it seems unreasonable to him, because it's the willingness that counts. Yes?

I totally agree. My WH said he could quit pot at any moment, because pot is not addictive. Yeah right. Then just quit, I dare you.

Sorry about that little tangent...got off track a bit.

Regarding your question above, yes, a WS should be willing to do whatever we (the BS) in order to heal and move forward. My WH refuses to take a poly - says it is "psycho" of me to want to do that. And he can't believe that I don't believe what he tells me. Seriously. Sigh....not sure why I am still hangin' on, but we are also separated and are about 7 months out from Dday.


Me - BS 27
Him - WH 32
Married almost 3 years
No children....one furry son
D-day #1 - 12/2/2008
D-day #2 - 12/3/2008
D-day #3 - 4/25/2009 (at Retrovaille)
Have a gut-wrenching feeling that I still don't know the entire truth


Posts: 50 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Ohio
BrideisGone
Member
Member # 16460
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, June 16th (Tuesday)

My marriage was fine when She could party...

Posts: 209 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Minnesota
BrideisGone
Member
Member # 16460
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, June 16th (Tuesday)

my ex is an addict, Mary k,
shoes, expensive SUV, ... had more Mary K than anyone, not even a baby's ass was smoother than what she packed on her skin... the purses... HOLY SHIT,,,,, the shoes i swear were worn only once....lazer surgery, botox.. fashion... Oh yeah this is called "Retail Therapy" not addiction... bull... What is any different than a heart condition, cancer, whatever... it all depends on what you are willing to do for the marriage.. I guess .... My buddy did divorce his chubby wife for getting a DWI and had fake boobs.... Sounds a little over the top to me... or another blame tactic... it all depends on what you want & do not want... sorry but true...

Posts: 209 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Minnesota
futureseemsbleak
Member
Member # 16642
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, June 26th (Friday)

I truly believe my WS is not longer drugging with coc. I believe it has been 1.5 years. I did see an immediate change only in not having a short fuse as before.

I guess what I am seeing now is residual effects of the damage. He says one thing a few weeks back then the topic comes up and he denies he ever said it. I'm relating to just simple things.

We are S'd for the second time, now going on five months. He is very depressed and cries alot. We did go through R, only to last ten months. Then the disrespect, verbal abuse was here again.

I have read where it takes an addict twice the amount of time to heal from when he first started using. WS doesn't understand what he did to cause so much pain.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.


Posts: 227 | Registered: Oct 2007
brokenheart10
Member
Member # 23603
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, July 6th (Monday)

I need advise on love addiction. My WH has finally come to terms with the fact he is an addict. It's rush of the hunt, the new relationship, the admiration not the actual act of sex that he is addicted to. We live in So. Cal. Anyone know of any good treatment programs for this? He said he is willing to get any type of help he can. Does anyone have any experience with this? Also, my other question is can an addict work on recovery while still living in the same house? Trying to do in house seperation, how does that work?


me:42 BS
him:44.serial cheater
DD:12
Married: 16 years
Too many affairs
Too many false R's
D final: 10/17/11
he remarried 10/29/11

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: So. Cal
brokenheart10
Member
Member # 23603
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, July 9th (Thursday)

ANYONE??


me:42 BS
him:44.serial cheater
DD:12
Married: 16 years
Too many affairs
Too many false R's
D final: 10/17/11
he remarried 10/29/11

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: So. Cal
futureseemsbleak
Member
Member # 16642
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 17th (Friday)

My best advice to you is let him find his own treatment center, counselor or rehab..don't do it for him, don't dial the phone and make the appointment.

I made the mistake of just handing him a pamphlet (thought I was "helping") and it didn't work. He did go and talk with someone and they ended up handing him a note that said "you are here for your wife and not yourself".

So, about three months later he still didn't retain any help at all. His behavior got worse and I finally threw him out. For my husband, this helped him find his own way and helped him realize what he was losing...his whole family. He did get sober, but has some kind of residual effects (I think) of the drug. Got back together, then s'd again due to his verbal abuse etc...not even sure where it came from??

In house separation must have conditions by you. If he does get into some kind of treatment, you need proof he was there. Also, expect some kind relapse as this happens alot with any kind of addiction.

Write a list of what your conditions are and stick to them. He has to realize that you will no longer put up with his behavior.

Also, if he will be attending SA meetings, SI members have suggested meetings be all male. As you can imagine they being in the same room with the opposite gender with the same problem. Not good, not healthy...

It's great that he admits and realizes he has a problem and wants help. This is the first step among many and usually long term.

I sincerely hope he appreciates you for standing by him. Support him as much as you can without being too enabling.

My first instinct was to help him, it's natural. I just wish I had realized the fact that I can't early one, it would have saved me from so much mental trauma.

Good luck and I hope this helps..I commend you in working with him.


Posts: 227 | Registered: Oct 2007
openbook
Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday)

H hurt his back a few months ago while I was out visiting with some friends. Both friends have back problems and as a result have lots of medication on hand. They loaded me up with pain killers (vicadin sp?), sleeping pills and muscle relaxants. Anyway, all the way home I wondered what to do. I struggled so much. Could I/ should I deny him relief from the pain he was in? If I gave him the vicadin would I be starting him on the slippery slope? It felt like a moral dilemma. I ended up giving him the sleeping pill that night and the muscle relaxant in the morning. He took OTC stuff for the pain.

I didn't even mention the vicadin. Several days later he admitted to wondering where I had put the pills and knowing that he could take them and just "feel better" this was after the pain had gone. After that I got rid of the vicadin. I'll be damned if I start his next relapse...Holy Shit!!


I know this thread isn't read much...but I really need a game plan here...if I am ever in a situation like this again.

[This message edited by openbook at 3:32 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
openbook
Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)

maybe if I sit here pouting someone will come by...


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
whatnowaz
Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)

I'll take a shot at it....so you can get painkillers from friends. In turn you are giving them to H so he can relieve the pain from his back? And you are feeling responsible for him possibly becoming re-addicted? Am I understanding?

If he has a problem or past problem with addiction to PD (prescription drugs) you are absolutely helping him into a relapse. If that is not your intention than stop! PD addiction can be an extremely hard one to beat. I believe you have your answers and not sure why you would get yourself involved in this. If your H has a problem he needs help. Good you threw the other stuff out. The game plan would be don't get any PD from friends. Your H needs to see a Dr. if he needs some meds.
Im not suggesting this is easy, but it really is pretty cut and dry....


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
openbook
Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)

thanks for getting back to me. I hear what you are saying. As far as I know H has not had a problem with any PD. They have not been his drug of choice.

It all just sorta happened fast. It was late at night I was at the friends house and they offered the medication. He had just hurt his back that evening. It hasn't been an issue before. I took them and realized on the way home that I might be doing the wrong thing. Not typing this out to justify just so I understand better myself.

Thanks for helping me see how cut and dry it really is.

[This message edited by openbook at 5:58 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
whatnowaz
Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, September 4th (Friday)

I know it's easy to just help him get rid of the pain. But, you have to think of the ramifications. I have known people that have gotten clean from drugs/alcohol and in turn become addicted to other meds. It's scary. I hope your H can stay sober.


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
Tnkrbell23
Member
Member # 22181
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, September 9th (Wednesday)

New to this thread but curious to ask a question. My H sober 10 months from alcohol (hiding a major drinking and porn problem) plus got sober and disclosed a four night stand WTF. Anyway, I hung out for 10 months and just moved out. My WH wouldn't stop LYING. And keeping secrets, etc. I told him there aint no rebuilding unless/until you STOP the lying and secrets, and nudity. My question is this- Are there any of you out there whos H are in recovery but a PRICK? I mean, I hate to say it but my WH was nicer before he got sober. Maybe it was manipulation, but I am really coming to believe the booze and porn has fried his emotions. Any input would be helpful....

Posts: 64 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: L.A.
openbook
Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, September 18th (Friday)

Tnkrbell,

Is your H in a recovery program?

If not the term for what your have in a spouse is dry drunk. That means all of the addiction crap (the mindset, attitudes, entitlement, intense emotions etc) are still very much a live and well in your H. He's just missing what used to be his coping mechanism.

From what I have heard a dry drunk can be much harder to live with.


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
cautiousoptimist
Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, September 19th (Saturday)

My FWH used alcohol, weed, prescription pain meds, benzos, along with any other thing he could get his hands on, hallucinogens, etc.

Believe me when I tell you that him being sober is a huge surprise.

When he was a dry drunk, he was definitely a complete dick.

Now that he's in recovery, he is on a much more even keel, but all of his cute sweetness is gone; he says he has a really hard time having any feelings.

This is disappointing and sucky for me. He is much less of a jerk, but also just much less, period.

I am trying to be grateful for progress not perfection.


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
only mad at her
Member
Member # 25612
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, October 2nd (Friday)

hey everyone, i am sooo sorry you are here because i personally know it adds a whole new level of pain to an already extremely painful situation-the A. and you have to sit there and agonize if the A is a direct result of the addiction, and if they weren't sick it wouldn't have happened. and does that make it any more ok? my WH's A is a DIRECT result of his very serious narcotic addictions. his A happened at LITERALLY the exact same time he started heavily heavily using and our therapist told us she is an 'escape drug' meaning when addicts don't have a drug anymore they will get a new job, move to a new city, latch onto a new relationship..etc. especially with a relationship, that works best for them, cuz they don't have to live with the addict and this OW doesn't really know my H, he's just a charming guy. anyways, if anyone want's to talk, i definitely do not have any answers but i've gone through it and then some...you cant PM me anytime...

Posts: 57 | Registered: Sep 2009
cowboytakemeaway
Member
Member # 3486
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, November 24th (Tuesday)

Shameless bump. I am not trying to R right now, but I'm hoping to some day. He has to get sober before that is even a consideration, but the bottle is my breaking point.


Come Monday, it'll be all right...

Posts: 424 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Pennsylvania
sinned badly
Member
Member # 8168
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, November 30th (Monday)

I posted something on the General site entitled "All addictions" Check it out. You may, or may not find an interesting concept there. Good luck in your difficult situation.


Me- FWW (54)
FBH- (toonyne) (56)
2 affairs 1976 & 1982, 2 ONS, and that's only the beginning

Posts: 322 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: canada
stlmomof5
Member
Member # 25685
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, January 15th (Friday)

My H is an addict. I have know about his struggle for years. For the last few weeks, he is has been really bad. He has opened up to me more about his addiction lately. I dont know what to do. I have tried to gather his family around him but they push me away like it is my problem. He needs help.


BS-32 (Me)
WH-38
5 kids
married 13 years

Posts: 88 | Registered: Sep 2009
TryingMyHardest
Member
Member # 27168
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, February 15th (Monday)

I started a thread in "Just Found Out" titled "Does Addiction Mitigate?" A lot of people posted some really good information there.
My WW has been clean, as my signature says, for 8 months now. I had suspected the affair but had no solid proof and, to be honest, I was willing to deny it. I don't know if I could have handled it all at once, and I don't know if I can handle it as it is right now. What I can say is that I absolutely would not have kept my kids around someone I knew to be an addict. I would have taken that to a lawyer and to the judge and used it to be sure I kept my kids. I can also say that addiction does not in any way excuse infidelity, but it can be considered a sort of... mitigating factor, for you only, in how you deal with it. You can use it, your WS shouldn't. Dealing with the addiction was hard. Dealing with infidelity has been harder.


Married 2006
2 kids, 4yo
D-Day 1: December 30th 2009
D-Day 2: 2/1/11
D-day 3: 2/13/11
D-Day 4: 3/28/11
WW Drug addict for 2 years, Morphine, Fentanyl, Xanax, clean since June '09
5 OM, about 20 seperate sexual encounters

Posts: 215 | Registered: Jan 2010
CAT5
Member
Member # 15843
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, February 24th (Wednesday)

I can only relate my experience. I became of aware of my husband's addictions through his alcohol use. We got through that rehab.

About two years ago, I became aware of compulsive sexual behavior - some of it very, very damaging to me - that was also assessed as sexual addiction, and his counselor thinks it is his 'base' addiction.

Considering what I have been through, I would not voluntarily sign up for this. I don't know your BF, can't feel your emotions or know more about your relationship, but I can tell you that sex addiction is progressive, and what may seem 'mild' now - porn - will get worse. It could get bad enough that your life is eventually in danger. I'm not trying to scare you, but I do want to relate that it proceeds just like all other addictions - to the point where the addict does things he/she does not believe later.

Other present addictions are a pretty good indication that sexual compulsivity will follow that pattern.

Sending you hugs, care, concern.

(My reply was to an earlier post. I'm rusty - haven't been on the site for months.)

[This message edited by CAT5 at 7:03 AM, February 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: East Coast
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, April 7th (Wednesday)

***bump***


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
myshereeamor15
New Member
Member # 28166
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, April 8th (Thursday)

My H has been addicted to pot the whole time we have been married, over 12 years. He got into some legal trouble back in the summer and was required to attend intensive outpatient treatment for a year, class 3 nights a week, and NA meetings, PO Officer, random drug testing, etc. He started January 21 and walked out on us Feb. 26th. Found out he was talking to an old female friend from FaceBook through my phone records! He denies sleeping with her! Acts like a totally different man since he is clean and sober! Blames me for everything, won't try to work on marriage! I had no idea him getting clean would result in him having an affair and leaving his family! Any advice greatly appreciated!

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
living4hope
Member
Member # 27556
Helpless  Posted: 8:13 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)

My H is a SA and would be an alcoholic, however, after our children were born he swore off alcohol and stuck strickly to women! We are just beginning the process of R and I am not sure if he will be able to do this. He has stopped with other women before but as soon as we get back into life and I am not paying complete attention to him he reverts back to his old behavior. I do feel like this is it - this R has to happen and be authentic or it is time for me to leave. It is killing me though - I love him and I planned my marriage to be forever! For some silly reason I thought our marriage would make him want only me - I found the exact opposite. I don't know what my future holds but it is a terrifying walk and I wish I didn't have to take it!


BS(Me) - 44
WH - 49...died 8/28/2011
DDay1 - 11/27/2009
Dday2 - 2/2/2010
Dday3 - 6/25/2010 - 3 PA - 1+ years each, 1 year EA
Married - 14 years
Children - boy 13, girl 10

Posts: 69 | Registered: Feb 2010
notasaint
Member
Member # 28465
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, May 23rd (Sunday)

Just starting R with an addict, clean from pot for almost 3 years now. He's realizing his A was a form of the addiction coming out as well.

I'm praying and hoping and wishing with every fiber in my being that IC and hard work on both our parts will let us lead clean and happy lives in the future.


Me - BW 36
Him - FWH 38 SLA (newlywednupset)
M < 1 year
D-days 8/2009 and 4/2010 TT to 10/2010
3 OW over the course of 2 years, all older, one married.
* My husband was in an open relationship from day one, he just failed to tell ME this.*

Posts: 1048 | Registered: May 2010 | From: FL
lisathemartian
New Member
Member # 28760
Question  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 16th (Wednesday)

my WH has a addict personality before we met he was addicted to drugs then it was gambling and since we been having problems in our marriage we live with my mom and stepdad he has gone back to his old friends and back to drugs on 6/5/10 i was playing with his phone taking pics of him and the kids and found a picture of a girl giving him oral sex. my world came crumbling down. we have been married 11 years and have 3 kids when i showed him the picture (woke him up) he acted like he couldn't see or knew what i was showing him i left the room and slept in my sons room. the next morning he was gone before anyone woke up when he called later in the afternoon he acted like it never happened i was very angry and told him to come get his stuff and leave. he came got his stuff kiss the kids goodbye and said he was going to be gone for awhile. that night he text me and we text back and forth most of the night then he came and got some more stuff the following day i told him i needed to know what he was going to do about the kids he said whatever i wanted if i wanted he to disappear he will he was so sorry and it meant nothing it was a girl that wanted some of his drugs and he exchanged drugs for oral twice and then the 3rd time was sex. he swears he loves me and doesn't care for her and that we were having so much problems he didn't think i loved or cared for him anymore. he was also drunk and high on all 3 occurrences. he kept saying he doesn't want me to suffer and never wanted to hurt me. he has been text me saying he loves me and misses me and kids and if i can ever forgive him he doesn't want to lose me. it's been 10 days and i believe him and love him so much and i know he loves me but i feel like i should be angry still and not willing to forgive him that it's to soon. i have been writing and in all my poems/letters/journal i can't say i hate him i don't i love him and just want to forget it ever happened and be with him again. is this normal? or am i forgiving him to quick??? has anyone been in this place????

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2010
cautiousoptimist
Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 27th (Sunday)

lisa,

hugs (((((lisa)))))

YOu are in a really tough position. What plans does he have for getting sober?

I would definitely send him to rehab for a while if that is at all possible. I know it's difficult if he is unemployed, insurance problems, etc. but this is an investment in your marriage and your future.

Don't even let him come back until he is willing to do whatever you need.

If rehab isn't possible, then he needs to get to 12 step meetings, get a sponsor, etc.

What drugs is he taking? Opioids and alcohol and barbituates are the only things (usually) that demand a medical detox. If he is on speed, meth, coke, ice, he will be uncomfortable but it won't threaten his health.

My FWH also claims and believes that if he were not on drugs he wouldn't have cheated. I'm not so sure.

It's long road to hoe, and you will need his help if you want to save your marriage.It sounds like he'll need to do a lot of growing up fast to be the husband you deserve. Good luck!


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, September 8th (Wednesday)

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
to_the_left
Member
Member # 28901
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, September 9th (Thursday)

I found out in April that my WH was having an affair and in June I found out that he was addicted to cocaine. Both discoveries shocked me to say the least, but the cocaine addiction completely blindsided me. Looking back over the last 3 years of our marriage and the problems we were/ he was having it all makes sense now.

WH admits he needs help and our MC/IC is making a referral for drug counseling, but it will take a long time/if ever, for him to tackle all his demons. Lord knows this man has a lifetime of them.

All that I know is that I am tired. I did not sign up for this life.


Me- BW, 35
WH, 34
Mom to 3, D(8), L(4) and V(1)
DD- April 2010
RA- Not sure if we can.

"See, when I get the strength to leave. You always tell me that you need me. And I'm weak cause I believe you. And I'm mad because I love you. S


Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: In limbo, fighting to get out.
Trying2getby
Member
Member # 29367
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, September 11th (Saturday)

This is a great thread.

I have a few things to say

Most important, it's easier to focus on the addict and how they need help, but anyone who is with an addict is a codependent and also needs help
There is a lot of talk about how your addicts should be going into rehab etc, but not one mention of what you're all doing about your own "addictions" to the addict and trying to rescue.

My ex (caught him cheating and left him a few weeks ago) is a recovering alcoholic. He's been sober a few years and I would always catch him in little lies, but never thought he would cheat (or maybe I just didn't want to believe it).
My ex has been going to AA 4 x a week for many years, does his 12 steps (off and on) has a sponsor yet, he still carried on his little affair lying to my face over and over.
And then in typical ADDICT fashion, he blamed me and told me it was my fault.
Then took the blame, and then said he was sorry many times.
I says he loves me, wants to get well and needs to find out who he is
Sure he does, he ony needs to find himself because I left him.
My gut says, he's lying and is just trying to make me believe he's getting well.
He tells me how sad he is and how difficult this has been.
He's shown NO remorse for what he did.

I can go on and on about him, but the bottom line is he's SICK SICK SICK!

Addicts are emotional and spiritually sick people.
It's RARE when an addict actually recovers to the point that they never act like low lives.

I've been in Al Anon for well over a year now trying to make myself healthy and realize I need to detach from a person who is SERIOUSLY destructive.

I've heard many happy endings from my al anon meetings and from some couples meetings I attended, but the ONLY way an addict can even try to function in a healthy way is if they are in a program for the rest of their lives.
And then the spouse (us) will also need to attend a program.
Being with an addict is torterous and empty.
My ex is a dry drunk and he was a BEAUTIFUL person when he drank and an asshole when he got sober.

I can only imagine all the times he's cheated and I never found out.

Addicts, whether it be drugs, booze, sex or pills, always have other addictions.
If they do not get to the core of their pain, they will never change,

My ex wants to R (I think), but I need to think if I really want to live like this.
I love my ex more than anything, but I love myself more and I'm not sure I can go through anymore of this.

There are always risks to any relationship, but being in a relationship with an addict is like standing under a tree during a lightning storm, you just never know when you're going to get struck.

I would have figured this thread would have had more replies since ALL addict are cheaters and there are many people at this site facing infedelity


Posts: 142 | Registered: Aug 2010
Godsgirl
Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, September 13th (Monday)

My WH is a SA and is addicted to lying and working and probably a whole lot of other things yet to be discovered.

He actually accused me the other day of wanting him to be an addict because it's easier for me to handle the affairs.

I don't think so!!!!!

It makes it worse, IMO, because like it's been mentioned, they are addicts for life and have to stay in a recovery program.

There is no guarantee that my WH will maintain sobriety. And that is not a comforting thought for me!


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
lulykr
Member
Member # 29697
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, September 27th (Monday)

My WS is convinced that his addiction is the reason for A. We are butting heads on this a bit. I agree that with out being clean the A was bound to happen sooner or later. But I am having a tough time handing the A over to addiction. If that makes sense. He is a high functioning addict, so it was easy to love in the lie a lot longer. Longer to reach rock bottom. His addiction weakened our marriage. I detached but not with love. Just a lost of resentments. We are both in recovery now. NA and NarAnon. The 12 steps really work if you work them. Its been three months since dd, so early days still. WS is coming up on 60 days clean. Pretty shocking really. He hasn't strung that many clean days together since 2006! It is true that all of us in relationships with addicts are
Codependent. Melodie Beatty really helped to save me from myself and the affects of trying to be in a relationship with an addict. (Codependent No More)
Nar anon is amazing as well. They even have an online support forum that really is amazing.
I hope that more people post here. It feels kinda lonely.

Posts: 589 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Gainesville FL
phoenix_vs
Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, December 27th (Monday)

It's hard not to take the cheating personally, as a sign of inadequacy and unattractiveness on my part. My head knows that he's an alcoholic, and that he has an addictive personality, and that he certainly despises himself, buy my heart still hurts.
Ya, I'm still angry.


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
poopylala
Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, January 21st (Friday)

My WBF was/is an online gaming addict. He met people online, one of them became an EA which eventually turned into a PA. Then he had a ONS after that with a girl from his class. He has major insecurity issues and really doesn't have any real life friends (he's always had online friends though since he was younger) and his school buddies decided to tease him about sleeping with a girl from their study group and to be accepted or to fit in, he finally did it when he had the opportunity.

I don't think he's a porn addict although he did look at porn after I explicitly asked him to promise me he wouldn't look at it alone and then he visited SI the next morning for like 1 minute and then went to view porn. I haven't seen any evidence of him viewing porn since then so I hope there isn't any other addictions besides online gaming to worry about as that one is hard enough to deal with but we'll see what happens with all this.


BGF (me)- 24
FWBF (him)- 24
in a LTR

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
SerenityHope84
New Member
Member # 30717
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, January 21st (Friday)

Im so glad that we can be here for eachother my ex bf who I am R with is a sex and love addict he is in a 12 step program for it and has been sober for almost a month. I take everything one day at a time and am so thankful for him seeking help. I go to my own 12 step group for people who have been affected by a sex addict or sex and love addict. The people there are great and so supportive. From going there I have grown so much and learned not to be an enabler of his addiction but also hold him accountable for his actions and also hold myself accountanle for my own actions. We can love them and support them, but we have to realize we cannot change them. All addicts must get the help to change themselves. We are responsible for our own wellbeing and happiness. We can only change ourselves. Those who try to maniplate the addict to control are only giving themselves false hope. If you make a choice you have to stick to it to regain your sanity. Its a long hard rd but remember we are all worth it! If anyone wants info on the 12 step groups pm me so I can give you info! And if you need to talk im here for you!!!!!!!!


Me BGF 26
Him Wexbf 22
D-Day Dec 19 2010 EA
5 month old daughter
Happily R!!!!!!!
Live Love Laugh Cry! Hope For The Best! Expect The Worse And Know Things Will Be Ok

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: SerenityHope84
phoenix_vs
Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, January 23rd (Sunday)

There isn't any reconciling with an addict, if they're still using or drinking. I can't have a conversation with WBF because he's always drunk. His behavior was alarming night before last. I slept with my contacts in, so I would be able to see, if there was a problem in the middle of the night. I don't like being afraid. I told him that, and he blamed me for his bad mood, saying it's because I'm not giving him any money for the household.
Anyway, all the best to all of you. Please keep posting, you are more help than you may realize. I need all of you.


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
plzwakeme
Member
Member # 30645
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, January 23rd (Sunday)

I just started a thread today in regards to my story and trying to figure out what lies ahead of me in regards to my FWH and his addictions. My head is totally swirling.

My first DDay was in November when I stumbled on emails between FWH and MOW#2 (didn't know about MOW#1 until just two weeks ago on my DDay #2 when I found MORE emails). At that time he told me that the actual PA was always after a night of heavy drinking and partying with OW (they work for the same company and were traveling for business with the same group of people). I had always known that he was a binge drinker, but he admitted to me exactly how much he was really drinking weekly (he travels almost every week 3-4 nights a week and has for 11 years). He was doing his really heavy, blackout drinking on the road and limiting his drinking at home. I told him one condition of R after DDay #1 was an immediate stop to all drinking. He complied without question and stopped cold turkey. A few days after that he actually went through withdrawal while on the road traveling. He had to leave the conference early and I had to pick him up at the airport. It was enough at the time to get him to say, "I have a drinking problem." That was when he told me how much he had been drinking over time.

After DDay #1 FWH would tell me that the reason for his PA/EA with OW#2 was because I made him feel unloved/ unwanted. He "understood" that it was his fault entirely that he chose to have an A, BUT that was how he felt and how he justified his actions. I still didn't know about his other A and his "almost" ONS at that point. He was still pretty much in his A fog after DDay #1.

When DDay #2 happened it finally hit me how incredibly messed up our relationship had been and for how long. I can say without a doubt that even two weeks later I am still living in a cocoon of shock. He admitted to me that he knows he has boundary issues with women. He likes the chase the idea of being wanted. He said the PA for him made him feel guilty and was not all that enjoyable. They actually had sex 3 times and then it "cooled" down into an EA. He didn't tell me about MOW#1 after the first DDay because he didn't think "it counted" since there had been no PA. He now understands that every inappropriate encounter and thought he has had about other women (including some issues with looking at naked women online, not porn, just liking to look at pictures, even after DDay #1!) is detrimental to our marriage.

One thing that is a major concern for me is that he seems to believe that if he does everything right by being the kind of husband he should have been since day one and not drinking that everything will be fine going forward. He is starting IC on Friday, but only because I made it a requirement for R. I am worried that since he seems to think he isn't an "addict" but that he has "addiction problems" that won't really try to recover. He's rationalizing and minimizing all over the place.

Sorry for the long ramble. I was rambling on the other thread, too, so I've taken up more than my fair share of space on here today probably. I do so appreciate the help and support that's been offered to me. I didn't really understand before today that I could benefit from Al-Anon even if FWH refuses to do AA. I definitely need some help for me, too. I know I've enabled him tremendously over the years. Now I am left to deal with the pain of his A's AND finding out that he is an addict to alcohol and the thrill of the chase with women.


Me BW 37, Him STBXH 38
Married 13 years, hoping to NOT make it to 14
DDay 1 10/21/10
4 MOW & many ONS attempts
Heading towards S/D NOT SOON ENOUGH!
"What the caterpillar calls the end, a butterfly calls the beginning." ~ Lao Tzu

Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2011
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, January 23rd (Sunday)

I swear I'm not stalking you... Others will be along later, I'm sure, but since weekends are slow I didn't want to leave you hanging.

First, just breathe. You don't have to rush to "fix" this. It took me a month and a half of shock to be able to take a single step toward dealing with the A and the addiction. Go at a pace that's comfortable for you.

FWH would tell me that the reason for his PA/EA with OW#2 was because I made him feel unloved/ unwanted.

That's blameshifting. It's also part of an alcoholic's mindset. FWH justified his drinking and his A by making everything my fault. Learning to shift responsibility back to himself was a process that required IC for him. In the meantime, don't accept the blame from him. Verbally reject it. You don't have to do it coldly, but it is necessary so that he knows you aren't playing that game anymore.

He is starting IC on Friday

Is the IC a substance abuse counselor? If not, he needs a new IC. Beyond that, let go of the outcome for him. I know that's a tough one, but you can not control his drinking or his decision to face his addiction. He has to make that choice. That was one of the most difficult things for me to accept, but until I backed off FWH had no reason to deal with his problems... I was always there to clean up behind him and take care of whatever mess he made.

Also, are you in MC? If so, is the MC experienced with infidelity? Doing that will help him "get" what is needed to R. The book "Not Just Friends" was helpful too.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
plzwakeme
Member
Member # 30645
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, January 23rd (Sunday)

Fighting: I know you're not stalking! LOL! I am so appreciative of your help today. I'm actually able to breathe now -- this morning I couldn't catch my breath for my nerves.

We are in MC, but I am starting to feel like maybe our C is not the best choice for us. She was actually the one to suggest to FWH after DDay #1 that he needed to tell me how he was feeling when he had the A and if there was anything I did or did not do in the marriage that made him feel justified to have the A. ??? He took that ball and ran with it, but using his passive aggressive behaviors would tell me, "I know it's not your faultI had the A, BUT . . ."

Every time we go to MC we get so wrapped up in the conversation that I never get a chance to ask her her experience with infidelity and addiction. Tomorrow we have another session and this is actually the first thing I am going to bring up.

Thanks again for all of your help! I have a better understanding of this whole addiction side of our R than I could have hoped earlier today.


Me BW 37, Him STBXH 38
Married 13 years, hoping to NOT make it to 14
DDay 1 10/21/10
4 MOW & many ONS attempts
Heading towards S/D NOT SOON ENOUGH!
"What the caterpillar calls the end, a butterfly calls the beginning." ~ Lao Tzu

Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2011
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, January 23rd (Sunday)

She was actually the one to suggest to FWH after DDay #1 that he needed to tell me how he was feeling when he had the A and if there was anything I did or did not do in the marriage that made him feel justified to have the A. ???


I'd fire her. No MC experienced in infidelity would do that. It's important for your H to be completely accountable for the decision to have an A, regardless of what was going on in the M. Plus, add in addiction and his perception of events is already skewed based on his seeking various justifications for drinking. Alcoholics are selfish. Period. FWH spent years blaming me for everything from the weather to tire going flat. Of course, he could point out things I did that justified his A.

Seriously, I'd look for an MC that was more experienced with infidelity. If you are lucky, you can find one that deals with couples reeling from addiction issues too.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
phoenix_vs
Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, January 24th (Monday)

Alcoholics are selfish. Period.

Yes, they are. As I see it, they like to work everything for their benefit, while making it appear that it is for your (my) benefit.
Here's my dilemma, and I need feedback. Of course, I'm telling the story from my own point of view, but I will try to be objective.
Five years ago, I moved in with WBF. I told him I did not want to just live with someone, I wanted to be married. He said, ok, we'll get married. During our discussions about moving in together, he said if I could contribute a certain specified amount of money to the household, about half the house payment, half the utilities, that would be our arrangement. We are both single, middle aged, with our own children, our own jobs and our own bills, and that sounded fair.Leaving out a few details, fast forward five years. I have done what was agreed on, pulling my weight and then some. We are not married, I wonder if he's been faithful all this time, and he has had several strange alcoholic episodes where he yelled at me and said we were over, and I had to move. In each case, he came around in a few hours, and apologized. We worked together as a team in another state a year ago, but it did not work out, so we moved back to his home. All the time we were gone, we left the house empty, and I continued to pay him what was agreed on. He said to reduce the amount I was paying him, as I was also paying for health insurance for my son who was just finishing college. I would bring up marriage issue from time to time, but have gotten no commitment as to when. When we moved back, we were on unemployment, I continued to pay him, and it was tight, we both had some savings so we made it until right at the end of the benefits, he got a really well-paying job in a field that he is very good at. At that point, I still had my part time job paying just enough to cover my bills. So he said he would take care of both of us.
However, because he is an alcoholic, he has had a lot of medical bills in the last few years. In addition, he had an accident that injured one leg and foot, and has had to have surgery, with the accompanying pain of recovery. He decided early to self medicate with alcohol, supposedly to kill the pain. Tt was during this time the EA with the old girlfriend accelerated with calls many times during the day, back and forth. Always behind my back. Then last fall, he started getting drugs off the street. Painkillers. And he's starting to get tight with the money. I had put a keylogger on the computer last fall, and I could tell he was withdrawing large amounts of cash from his account. Normally fastidious with his checking account, for the last few months he has been getting overdrafts all the time. And he started implying that I was being a slacker for not getting a better job so I could contribute to the household. He says that now that he has a good job, the medical bills are coming back to haunt him and he is afraid they will garnish his wages. He says it costs XX amount to run the household, however I do not see any of the bills.
OK, as I see it, first of all, here is a situation that is not my fault. His medical bills, I can sympathize with, but his own addiction was the reason for most of them. Add the alcohol and street drug expense, which he won't tell me how much it is, only that it's "not that much!"
I've been contributing to the equity in his home for five years, and I am not on the title to the home. His EA with the old girlfriend, who btw, looks like (bear with me) last years sneakers!he totally minimized and blamed on her "she wanted to talk."
OK, now I'm really upset. Do I really owe him?


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
phoenix_vs
Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, January 24th (Monday)

And to add to the complication: You can't have a discussion with a drunk! They twist everything around, and then accuse you of twisting the issues!
Aghhhh!
And still I love him. But I'm not sure how much of his behavior I can put up with any further.
Oh, yes, since the day he got out of the hospital, I made him get his own beer. It was sad, seeing him just out of the hospital, on his crutches, getting beer. I won't even get it from the fridge for him anymore, but I do not nag him or comment on it, unless he starts hounding me for money, then I do suggest that it is expensive to drink and get street meds.
I pay my own bills, my own car expenses, our cell bill (thankfully) and we each buy groceries. And I do want to get a better job, but how long should I just feed him money with no return commitment from him? I believe in going the extra mile, but when do you know it's far enough?


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, January 25th (Tuesday)

(((phoenix)))

I wish I could tell you if you owe him or not, but it honestly depends on what agreement you two made about how to divide the bills/payments and whether M was part of that agreement.

Overall, my advice would be to get out. If he's an active alcoholic with no intention of getting sober and you have no other ties to him than money, I'd get out ASAP. I certainly wouldn't be looking to marry him. Being 12 years into a M with an alcoholic, I can tell you that it only gets worse until they get sober.

Sorry if that's not what you were looking for. I'd just hate to see you go down the same shitty path I did.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Ruby7
Member
Member # 22598
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, January 27th (Thursday)

Anyone here familiar/understand approval Addiction? Sometimes its called love addiction. If so please let me know if you know of any good resources. It would be extremely Helpful!

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jan 2009
plzwakeme
Member
Member # 30645
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, January 27th (Thursday)

Hi Ruby7:

I have started to do some research on the topic of approval/ love addiction because I think my WH has problems with this. Ironically, after all my reading I'm starting to think that I do to. I haven't started IC yet -- too much to juggle with MC and FWH's IC starting up -- but this is definitely a topic I need to personally explore.

I also want FWH to ask about it for himself, because part of the reason he gave me for the two As he had were because he liked feeling wanted and needed by these women. He has always been a "flirt" -- to the extent of going to far even when I'm around. He even told me that he knowingly flirts with my one of my best friends because he knows she thinks FWH is better than her H and that makes him feel good.

FWH is constantly wanting to have his ego stroked -- but in all honestly since DDay #2 I've seen improvements a bit in this area. One of our big relation problems has always been that he only contributes emotionally and physically (like helping around the house) to a small degree, but then wants all kinds of thanks and praise for the little bit that he's done.

What kinds of questions did you have?

[This message edited by plzwakeme at 12:59 PM, January 27th (Thursday)]


Me BW 37, Him STBXH 38
Married 13 years, hoping to NOT make it to 14
DDay 1 10/21/10
4 MOW & many ONS attempts
Heading towards S/D NOT SOON ENOUGH!
"What the caterpillar calls the end, a butterfly calls the beginning." ~ Lao Tzu

Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2011
MzMagoo
Member
Member # 30978
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 12th (Saturday)

I know that I can't be in R with an addict who is still drinking. As much as I want to R, and he says he wants to R (on certain days only), it just isn't happening.

Is it "normal" for the addict to tell you how much he loves you and wants you and his kids, and his family back one day, then the next, act like he is the happiest soon-to-be-single person on the planet? Or is that just my particular WH? Does anyone else feel that the A is secondary to the drinking (or drugs, SA, etc.), or is that just me and my situation?

I am very lost, very hurt, and so very confused. I have lived with an alcoholic for 18 years. I have done my time cleaning up his messes (still am), and I have spent countless hours crying and trying to make sense of what I have become as a result of his actions and choices. I take full responsibility for allowing myself to become so codependent, I am owning it.

Is there any hope at all for a true R with a person like this? How do I know when to give up? What does giving up completely look like? What does it feel like?

So confused...


BS (me) 37/WS (him)37
M 13 years/together 18
DD 1~ 8-10/ DD 2~ 11-10
3 kids~ S 14, D 10, D 10
Filed for D: 11-10
R: Trying to trust it is real
If you walk around the pool long enough, you are bound to fall in.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: At the moment? Hell.
phoenix_vs
Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, February 14th (Monday)

Oh, boy, I don't know the answers. I'll post again when I have more time, but I feel ya. I can't believe how selfish they are sometimes. I am hanging in there for, I'm not sure how long.
Just wanted you to know you were heard.
(((mz)))


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
MzMagoo
Member
Member # 30978
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, February 14th (Monday)

Thank you


BS (me) 37/WS (him)37
M 13 years/together 18
DD 1~ 8-10/ DD 2~ 11-10
3 kids~ S 14, D 10, D 10
Filed for D: 11-10
R: Trying to trust it is real
If you walk around the pool long enough, you are bound to fall in.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: At the moment? Hell.
phoenix_vs
Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, February 17th (Thursday)

((mz))
Been thinking all this time about what you're saying, and I don't have much. I'm in the same position, wondering what to do. We've been living together for five years, "dated" for eight, with a brief break-up in there. I didn't discover until well into the relationship that he is an alcoholic. The last few years have taken a toll on his health. He has sobered up a couple times, but never for more than a few months.
He seems to be hung up on an old live-in girlfriend from ten years ago.
I do think until they get sober, they can't think clearly. I've learned in Al-Anon to take responsibility for my own $$$t and let others own their $$$t, but alcoholics blame everything on everyone else. Other posts on this thread and on the alcoholics thread confirm this. Just like his last phone episode with the OW, he blamed her. "She wanted to talk." They also lash out at the ones they love when they feel guilty, which is all the time. They feel guilty, so they look for stuff we do wrong and yell at us, because, well, because they're addicts. Add some expensive street painkillers to the mix, and I am really, like you going, OMG what do I do? I see posts from you, 18 years, and another post, 12 years, and I don't want that.
Yeah, I think the affair is the side effect. They already think of themselves as low lifes. My WBF said that just the other day, "I'm just a low life". Well, I guess low lifes have EAs and PAs with skanky, ugly women.

I take full responsibility for allowing myself to become so codependent, I am owning it.

Me, too.

Al-Anon is helping me. I cannot encourage you enough to find a group that you are comfortable with and attend meetings and read the literature.

Is there any hope at all for a true R with a person like this?

I don't know. I'm wondering that myself. Sometimes I don't think so. I would like to hear from others in this situation. I ride the rollercoaster from "oh, hell no," to "I'm not bailing out on what I've invested in this house and this relationship."

Up and down.

Maybe giving up is accepting the fact that this person whom we love, will never be able to love us, because of the addiction. I don't know, either. I wrestle with it all the time. I'm leaving, I'm not leaving.

Keep in touch. Wishing you peace and serenity.
(((mz)))


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
MzMagoo
Member
Member # 30978
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, February 21st (Monday)

(((phoenix)))

Thanks for the reply.

WH is currently still drinking, but he is very clear when he tells me that he drinks a lot less now because he doesn't have the stress of living with me anymore.

He has "connected" with women from his past, and is telling me how much they help him; one specifically. Since he has been talking to her, I have been treated worse; I can only imagine the crap he says to her about me, the lies he tells. He calls himself a loser and an asshole frequently, yet he walks around like he is God's gift to the planet most days. This outward veneer addicts show to the world (and especially to OP) is sickening. I just keep thinking that there are women out there that think I am Satan, and think that he is wonderful because of his addict-addled brain.

I have no idea if R'ing with an addict, no matter how much I love him, is a good idea, especially if he does not address the underlying issues that cause him to drink in the first place. He is only beginning to touch those issues in IC.

Friday he was ready to save the house and move home because he loves me and the kids so much. Saturday he yelled at me and hung up on me because I asked him to drop by and help out with my dryer. Yesterday he wants to know why I am ignoring him. I tell him it is because his words and actions hurt me. I get a simple "sorry" text in reply, then nothing else. He will now ignore me until I have to contact him, then he will be an asshole. This is the way my life with an addict has been for 18 years. This up and down, he loves me, he loves me not stuff. It is so very hard. I have no answers either, only heartache and pain.

Strength and many, many hugs to you!


BS (me) 37/WS (him)37
M 13 years/together 18
DD 1~ 8-10/ DD 2~ 11-10
3 kids~ S 14, D 10, D 10
Filed for D: 11-10
R: Trying to trust it is real
If you walk around the pool long enough, you are bound to fall in.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: At the moment? Hell.
phoenix_vs
Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, February 21st (Monday)

Since I last posted, WBF has had emergency surgery on an infected foot that has never healed since a surgery last September. Yesterday he had a blood infection and they are fighting staph in the foot. Tomorrow they will culture the bone to determine if it is infected.
A confidential conversation with one of his doctors revealed that last month he got prescriptions for a large number of painkillers. Many more than one would take, even if taking more than prescribed. What was he doing? I know he was getting drugs off the street. There are more details I won't go into here, but this is, I don't know. I feel very alone and very betrayed. Add that to the fact that I can't sign consent for him at the hospital. My life is tied up with his, for the last five years I've given him everything he asked for and then some. His actions directly impact me, and his sister gets to sign consent forms. This just isn't right.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I am searching for a better job. Anywhere.
Thanks for the hugs. I needed 'em.
(((mz)))


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
twistedupinside
Member
Member # 26179
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, May 4th (Wednesday)

I have a question about SA and porn.

My ws hasn't been looking at any in about two weeks now, almost. Yet when I asked him he admitted he hadn't been then got this forlorn, longing look on his face. I asked him did he actually miss it. He couldn't talk but turned red faced and nodded yes.

WTF?!?!!!

Oh, the question: Is this normal???

[This message edited by twistedupinside at 11:48 PM, May 4th (Wednesday)]


me:47 him: 49
Dday #1: 09/30/09
Dday #2: 07/24/10 Trickled Truth
R begins 07/21/11
No it's not holding a grudge, it's called making a list and remembering everything so when it's my turn to drive the karma bus I know who to run over!

Posts: 513 | Registered: Nov 2009
poppyseeds2
Member
Member # 32746
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, August 3rd (Wednesday)

I posted last night in General. I described how I found my WH in respiratory arrest, performed CPR, called 911, got him to ER where he was intubated and placed on a ventilator. There we found he had OD'd on methadone, other opiates and benzos - WTF? He has script for clonopin but nothing else.

I had to leave him there alone because I was so angry. I'm still so angry - he was 14 months sober from alcohol and denied using any drugs, prescription or otherwise. Boy, did he have me fooled. I guess we were in false R after all, just when things were seeming to go so well.

This morning, after 2 hours sleep, I am numb. I believe he will be discharged - I don't think he will be kept for psych eval or anything. Plgh! I really just want to puke and don't know what to do. Should I even go to pick him up, or should I just leave him to find his own way? Should I let him back in or should I lock him out? I know I just can't do this anymore - I've had too many years of this and I'm exhausted. I don't even know if I love him any more after that, yesterday I was so sure I did, WTF?


Me BS 51, WH 49 Married 27yrs
DDay Early Aug08, NC 5/15/09 (LTEA)
Don't know if I want to R see profile

My head won't leave my head alone
And I don't believe it will
'Til I'm six feet underground
- Rhyme & Reason DMB


Posts: 354 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hell
horseluvr
Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, October 14th (Friday)

my H is a recovering addict/alcohol. He went to rehab to get off cocaine and alcohol, this was 21yrs ago. He never relapsed to this day, but against advice from others, did not attend support groups. After 15yrs of going from one hobby to another, balls out on whichever, he has finally rested comfortably with vicodin. He has a back injury and his dr just keeps upping the anty with higher mgs. The A started about 4-5yrs ago and was DD was 10-09. His behavior is erratic, he's super nice and chatty, or a ragin fn maniac. He refused to go to my DD's IC to discuss her treatment for anxiety and depression (from living on the crzy train with H in the house). He straight up refused to go, which disappointed my DD. The IC seems to think he has an opiate addiction and after reading up on it. i agree. Thought he was prob still involved with OW cuz he's so disconnected, now I dont know which it is or both. How do you determine living with an addict? Like things weren't bad enough now this..great!


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
2kidsandadog
Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 20th (Thursday)

This post is new as I am new to this site. I lived, raised a family with and cherished a man I met at 16 years old who I thought I'd grow old with. We divorced after married (legally)23 years. I left after 22 years. My X was addicted to porn and massive sexual encounters with so many women, he didn't even know how many. I continued to stick it out for 5 extra years after finding out because we had high school sons. The youngest ended up embarking on a life of drugs, theft and the gammut of horrific teenaged destruction. So, after 5 years of all that crap, I left! I didnt end my marriage the way I should have, but sometimes we need to do what we need to do and grab on to the help that's offered to us. I read a post on here that made me think about whethere or not I would know how to have a "normal" "decent" relationship with a man seeing as I spent a total of 30 years with a boy/man who never outgrew boyish thoughts, actions and eventually adult betrayal, sexual promiscuity, and utter denial. I am in a new relationship and I worry that I won't know how to be treated properly or becoming someone elses doormat.

Thanks for letting me vent!


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
2kidsandadog
Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, October 20th (Thursday)

This post is new as I am new to this site. I lived, raised a family with and cherished a man I met at 16 years old who I thought I'd grow old with. We divorced after married (legally)23 years. I left after 22 years. My X was addicted to porn and massive sexual encounters with so many women, he didn't even know how many. I continued to stick it out for 5 extra years after finding out because we had high school sons. The youngest ended up embarking on a life of drugs, theft and the gammut of horrific teenaged destruction. So, after 5 years of all that crap, I left! I didnt end my marriage the way I should have, but sometimes we need to do what we need to do and grab on to the help that's offered to us. I read a post on here that made me think about whethere or not I would know how to have a "normal" "decent" relationship with a man seeing as I spent a total of 30 years with a boy/man who never outgrew boyish thoughts, actions and eventually adult betrayal, sexual promiscuity, and utter denial. I am in a new relationship and I worry that I won't know how to be treated properly or becoming someone elses doormat.

Thanks for letting me vent!


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday)

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday)

Thanks for bumping. I am in limbo, waiting to determine if R is possible with my SA/WH. Because he refuses to discuss anything with me, I do not know where he is in his recovery process. I also do not know if *I* wish to R because of how badly he has hurt me and how violated I feel. Anyone else?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8788 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, January 4th (Wednesday)

I know how you feel. I struggle daily with what to do. I feel like I'm a pendulum swinging back and fore. One minute I feel positive about R, the next I feel depressed and think I should kick him out. It's awful. It must be even more painful and difficult if your SAWH will not talk to you about his recovery. Do you have any of the details of his acting out?


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)

NMT, all I know about his acting out is what I've observed, detected or deduced. He won't confess to anything. And even when I've had direct proof of something he won't discuss it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8788 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)

NG
I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you with a WS who is still "in the fog" denying everything. I don't think I could go on if my WS wasn't being open, honest and remorseful. Even with that it's still incredibly hard.

Do you have friends or family who know whats going on who can give you support? I see you have 3 young kids who you homeschool. It must be hard for you to get any time to yourself. Im sure you're a fabulous Mom but you need to take care of yourself too. Are you in IC? If not I think you would find it helpful in dealing with all the emotions and trauma you've been subjected to.

Just know you're not alone in this.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)

Yes, I'm in IC, and thank you so much for your concern. I've told my mom about some of this, I have her full support but she's very old, frail, and doesn't live here, so there's not anything she can do. Not to mention she's one of the main one's who pounded the Good Christian Wife horseshite into my head. I regret all the advice from her I ever followed, and I still hear her voice on the "mental tapes" that play in my head. She & I were speaking a few days ago about my situation (she had witnessed an incident between me & WH), and she started in with a not-so-subtle commentary about how a sister of mine wasn't physically affectionate with HER husband. I immediately cut Mom off and told her, "Don't you DARE even hint that this is my fault!" Then burst into tears & had to run from the room.

I did tell a friend IRL about some of this right after DDay. I have noticed that this friend no longer contacts me or responds to my attempts to contact her.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8788 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

It is hard knowing who to go to for support. Before DDay my WH was the person I always turned to.

WHs parents know and are very supportive of me but I'm a little uncomfortable expressing some of my feelings to them, because they are after all, still his parents. I have also told one close friend IRL. In fact WH has told her H too. They are supportive and my friend is there for me but I feel she thinks I'm crazy to stay in the M. We still socialize with them but I do feel things have changed. I know they think differently about WH now.

I could never tell my mother. She is 85, lives in a different country, and thinks the world of my WH. She has a heart condition and I honestly think the stress and upset telling would cause might kill her.

I find this a very lonely situation to be in as really we only have ourselves to rely on.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
broken_husband
Member
Member # 34617
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, February 25th (Saturday)

Can anyone help me please? My wife is a cheat, coke addict and alcoholic. I just found out that she fucks her dealer. To say I'm devastated would be an understatement. I attempted suicide last month after the first d-day. I'm pretty fragile.

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2012
broken_husband
Member
Member # 34617
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, February 25th (Saturday)

Actually, if someone out there could please help, pm me a phone number? Please? I'm so desperate for someone to talk to.

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2012
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, February 25th (Saturday)

Broken - I just you a pm.




Posts: 30723 | Registered: Mar 2011
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, February 26th (Sunday)

*bump

(for Broken_Husband)

[This message edited by jo2love at 8:57 AM, February 26th (Sunday)]




Posts: 30723 | Registered: Mar 2011
esperanza12
New Member
Member # 35184
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, March 29th (Thursday)

WH abuses marijuana, nothing else. He also suffers from depression and anxiety. It's so hard to get him the help he needs. I told him if he doesn't clean up on his own we're moving out of the country to some place he can't get MJ for fear of ending up in a deplorable foreign prison until he gets clean (I work in international development so this could really happen).


Me (36): BW
Him (28): WH
Married: 3 years,together 7, 3 year old daughter, expecting #2 soon.
DD: Jan. 2012
R: working on it

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2012
Angelstar5
Member
Member # 35276
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)

WH has been in 5 treatment centers in 3 years, 3 of which were 30 day treatments, 2 detox centers one with 30 day intensive outpatient. In jan this year he was in IOP after detox and fucking a hooker every week of IOP...and had screwed another one in Dec (he cant even remember this girl, he acknowledges it, but thinks its his reg hooker, not the 22 yr old one i know it was..no reason to lie either, i really dont think he remembers her), but he did it.

He also says he was drinking a 750ml bottle of vodka a day (when i was working nights) and on the nights i was home he just drank a pint to sustain himself from being ill.

He blacked out all the time, including totalling a truck and driving it home with no windshield and didnt even know he had crashed!

He started smoking weed and drinking at age 10..meth at age 14, stopped all of it (and alcohol) at age 20 and we married, and was sober 7 yrs, great years.

He relapsed and saw a hooker in Mexico in the red light district during a hunting trip..this was 18 yrs ago..i found out 4 yrs later. Never really been sober since. I remember having an EA myself around the time just before i found out about hooker number 1..out of pure l loneliness. We had only had sex maybe 2 times in 5 months and somehow i managed to get pregnant. I only met EA one time for dinner, no kissing no nothing, i think i was just seriously LONELY. But with WH i have (except when he was on vicoden, which was often back then) had a good sex life, atleast 2 times per week.

I have stood by him (I confessed the EA when i found out about his hooker issue, during counceling, and he didnt seem bothered by it, but rather excited about it sexually..go figure)...still back then i didnt even realize it was an EA i had, just a friend that was a male that i told my issues too and let him tell me how much he wanted me blah...now i feel no guilt.

for 20 yrs i have dealt with his addictions, alone and with alanon, but alanon isnt something that seems to work for me.

Now with his new addiction to sex, which he denies (but ummm...prostitutes totalling 3,000 dollars in 2 months...i think we have an issue) but does admit he saw the hooker to try to make himself feel better because he was so broken inside.

BROKEN...fuck his broken, what about my broken..everything..im so broken there isnt glue enough in the world to fix!

She made him feel good about himself while he drank, and he says he only completed "sex" once out of half a dozen 500.00 visits with her because he was too drunk...I asked him what did you do for an hour if you couldnt have sex...answer..."talked, drank, then did our thing"...did what thing??? blowjobs that didnt work, fucking that didnt work, and hand jobs that didnt work, until he said he would just tell her forget it and hold her.

funny the holding her hurts as bad as the bjs, fucks and hj's.

I was there beside him for every family group..the one who took him to the hospital each time, drove him to AA...

yet im the one who feels like she got "fucked".

can you tell I'm mad?


Me 47,WH 46 alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs

Posts: 753 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Fort Worth TX
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 24th (Tuesday)

my husband confessed to using cocaine...he said he cant stop on his own. this was after i caught him sexting some woman he met on the internet. he said that when he gets drunk he wants to do coke...and that the coke makes him have these intense sexual urges....and that is why he did the sexting.

is he full of shit?


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
broken <3
Member
Member # 35098
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, July 27th (Friday)

My fWS says that he cheated because I always flip flopped on his weed addiction.
So, in my mind, if I'm "tolerant" on his weed issues - he won't cheat?
I don't get it... And add insult to injury - Im an addictions worker - assessment & referral.
I'm at such as loss... I know better...


Me - BS mother of 10month old identical twin girls (conceived during HB)
Him - serial cheater
R? Still not sure if this is a deal breaker...

Posts: 459 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West coast Canada
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, August 1st (Wednesday)

I belong here too.

My H has a weed addiction. There, I said it. I know people think we can't get addicted to weed, but I swear it's possible. My H smokes more than once per day - practically all day long. I don't - I have to be a responsible parent. That means no drugs for me. Ever. For the rest of my life.

On our wedding night, we had been away with family for a few days, and he hadn't smoked any weed (they don't know - my mother is a former heroin addict). Well, when we consummated our wedding, he said lightheartedly, "I'm sorry I've been such a jerk all week. It's because I haven't had any weed to smoke. See, it's a tradeoff, when I'm on weed, I'm in a good mood, but I don't want sex as much..." And he smiled like I should understand, like I should be glad of the tradeoff, just say "oh well, sex for drugs, that's okay".

I think that's when I realized that my needs were not important to him.

This is coming up today because we just came back from another family trip. A particularly drama-filled one. He didn't have his fix on the trip, so he was predictably in a bipolar mood. Well, my great-grandmother gave us $100. He was already bugging me to get $50 of it so he can go buy weed this weekend with his friend (he already went today, and he has some left over from last week).

I feel deeply, deeply hurt that he wants to use the money that my kindhearted great-grandmother gave us to smoke his f*cking weed and further destroy our marriage by destroying his desire for intimacy.

He saw the look on my face and asked what was wrong. I said it wasn't a nice thought and I shouldn't say anything. He pried. I told him. He made some snide comment about me being unsatisfied or ungrateful. Yes, I am very thankful for the times we get to have sex more than once a week. I know that I'm lucky to have that much with him. Even though he has not "made love" with me since the beginning of our relationship. Now it's just sex. He doesn't care about my needs or feelings.

I would love to blame the weed. But I'm pissed enough that he already does blame the weed.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, August 2nd (Thursday)

...And now he's just said that the reason why he won't watch our son, even to walk with him up and down the hallways while I am in here recovering from a bad cold, is because of his weed. That's why, from the very start, he hasn't watched our son. He doesn't want to expose him to weed, and he doesn't want to accidentally drop him.

You know, I could almost say it's thoughtful of him to not want to expose our son to drugs, that he cares enough to not want to risk our son's health. But the reality is, he's choosing drugs above our son. He's not quitting his drugs; so he's choosing to not confront his addiction for the sake of our son. But instead he uses it to justify not taking care of our son himself as "the healthiest thing".

Well, as angry as I am, I am NOT going to deprive our little boy of a loving healthy mother. My therapist calls me a single parent; that's what I am then.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
QVee
Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, August 11th (Saturday)

@NotMetoo & Nature Girl...

One of the things that hurts the most is the fact that we can't always tell our closest family members and friends. If this were any other stressful life event, we could go to our support system right away, but because many of us still try to work out our relationship with the WS, we can't say a thing. Whatever we would say would not only devastate some of our family members, but complete warp the view of our WS in their eyes. The one female friend that I did confide in is no longer my friend. All she said was for me to "break-up" with my WH, and that was it. We had two convos about it, and then she stopped taking my texts and calls. All anyone ever seems to tell us is to break-up or divorce, and gets mad at us when we try to work it out. But I want someone to be support of our Ring.

For everyone...
I agree that addictions run co-morbid with other addictions. My WS has just been diagnosed with SA, but he's been dealing with compulsive shopping for years.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
beautifulmess7
Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, August 13th (Monday)

My husband is a SA. He has also been addicted to alcohol, weed, cocaine, and done basically every drug that doesn't require injection (he hates needles). I also seriously believe he is addicted to secrets and lies. It's very scary living with an addict and their UPS and downs, even if they are in recovery.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, September 17th (Monday)

Sorry I found this thread so late. This is a subject where I am a madhatter.

I am an addict. I have been clean for 9 years. By clean I mean: NO DRUGS, NO ALCOHOL, NO SEX outside my Relationship.

Addiction is a disease that you can never fully understand unless you have it. Even therapists and councilors don't really get it.

Addiction is an obsessive/compulsive disorder, where the tick is self. Addicts cant think of anything, say anything, or do anything that doesn't revolve around themselves. They have a hole in there gut, or a sense of dis-ease, that there is something incomplete with them inside. They obsessively search for something that will fill that hole and make them complete: drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping, food, sports, work, money, you name it. These things work for a short period of time, then the guilt sets in and the hole grows. This is where the cycle of compulsion starts. "Whats next? I need more!!!"
Most addicts I know are sensitive, loving, caring people. They dont want to hurt anyone but that need to fill themselves and the guilt from doing it is so overpowering that they cant stop.

I have found freedom from this vicious cycle ONLY through vigilant 12 step work in a 12 step fellowship. My priorities in order are:
1. 12 Step Fellowship
2. Relationship/Family
3. Work
In any other order I will eventually destroy everything around me.

I am also in a relationship with an addict. The last six years have been a cycle of relapses and A. For her the addiction was the reason (not excuse) for everything. That is her story and I will let her tell it. DDAY was Black Friday 2011 and TT until 9/11/12, when the whole truth came out.

We are in R. We are working vigilantly on R from many different angles. "THE DEAL BREAKER" for me would be lack of 12 step work on her part. If that stops so does the R. I know from my experience and the experience of many others, that It Works...


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2426 | Registered: Aug 2012
heartlikeawheel
New Member
Member # 36955
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

I don't know where to put details
Never thought I'd say this about 12 step groups. I went for twenty one years - alanon, coda, fa. Thought I'd always go. I am so grateful- will always be grateful that my life and my WH's life as addict- were changed 26 years ago. But! But! At least 3 of his 4As were also addicts. And he met them through this. And I haven't been to a meeting for 6 years (day D for all 4As 10/2/06.) I didn't know about this forum then and struggled through - finally happy for a few years- then in August I discover he broke NC back in 2007 by going to work in a treatment centre where OW#4 worked!! I now detest AA and all female addicts. OW was a sex addict and a sex addiction COUNSELLOR


I hope to know myself
others I can only love
but look for the FACTS

Posts: 21 | Registered: Sep 2012
lastin12
Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

heartlikeawheel.. this scares me. I've been telling my SAWH that he must commit to this for me to even consider R... He loves attention from women and the thought that he would meet someone there is horrible... especially someone who is new to recovery. These reasons right here make me question why I am still considering R. Why do I want this for the rest of my life??

Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
whatashame90
Member
Member # 34772
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

heartlikeawheel.. this scares me. I've been telling my SAWH that he must commit to this for me to even consider R... He loves attention from women and the thought that he would meet someone there is horrible... especially someone who is new to recovery. These reasons right here make me question why I am still considering R. Why do I want this for the rest of my life??

This scares the living hell out of me as well. My wife is an addict or big proportions. She is bipolar and ADHD as well. She is an alcoholic. A drug abuser, and although undiagnosed by her therapist, she fits every model of female sex addiction I have ever read (and with ehr unfortunately have lived through with multiple DDays involving exhibitionism, mOM, anonynous sex with strangers (a parking lot blow job after knowing a man for an hour and doing shots with him)..all in the name of "someone else" telling her she is desireable. Yeah, definite SA.

She has been sober from everything (that I know of), for over six months, she is no type of recovery group or 12 step program (therapy and bipolar meds are the extent of her process). So in reality and by definition, she is just a dry drunk, a dry SA and drug abuser. But honestly, I would be petrified for her to join a group with a bunch of other sick and broken people, because my money bets she would be in backseats with them instead of attending her meetings.

This is a horrible existence. I wont lie, I hate it. But she is trying, I am trying to have Hope. We have three young boys together. My WW is a professional and is intelligent and beautiful, but she is extremely mentally sick, very emotionally broken and emotionally immature. I am trying to hole things together for the sake of Love alone, but knowing the things she has done, things she is capable of doing, and the disease of comorbid addiction that she will always carry drains me to my core everyday.

[This message edited by whatashame90 at 3:16 PM, September 27th (Thursday)]


ME-BH (40)
HER-WW (30)
Married 5 years, together 8 years
3 Kids, all boys, 6, 3 and 1.
DDay #1 - 4/09 EA and PA with coworker
DDay #2 - 6/10 (Nude pics to 2 men)
DDay #3 2/12 gave a stranger a blowjob in a parking lot
DDay #4 3/12 nude pics to OM1

Posts: 87 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: michigan
TooManyYears
Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

To add my 2 cents to this discussion and to give my experiences, I will say that 12 step for a Sex Addict is essential. Yes, it is true that addictions tend to overlap, and that an alcoholic or drug addict has a higher percentage chance of also being a sex addict. 12 step does work though for SA, but it cannot be the SA's only tool. They also need a CSAT. They need to hit the addiction from all angles with multiple resources to address the core issues. Otherwise they are just "dry drunks".

As for not wanting your WS to attend a SA group because of the potential of hooking up with another member, most SA groups are exclusive to males or females. SA's should absolutely NOT ever attend a group with the opposite sex. I know in my area, there are not mixed groups, and any good CSAT would not approve of it, either.

Heartlikeawheel, I am sorry you are hurting. But the 12 step group isn't to blame. Your WH has never gotten to the bottom of his issues of why he struggles with addiction. I think that there are a lot of people who go to 12 step and never hook up with anyone else. And as for OW being a sex addiction counselor, I would hope she was not a CSAT. Because if she was, she should lose her accreditation. That is horrible. As I already mentioned, it is not the norm for SA's to go to mixed 12 step groups. I also would not want my H to see a female CSAT for sex addiction.

Lastin, I have read your other posts. Your WH is NOT in any sort of recovery. Going to see a counselor alone is not indicative of recovery. He needs to be seeing a CSAT, actively working the steps, and doing other recovery activities on top of that. He may have a dozen reasons not to go to 12 step (may meet someone else...no, most groups are not mixed or he can't go because of his profession...I call bullshit on that, as my H has all kinds of professionals in his group), but they aren't valid. Making the sort of manipulative statements he is to you, also says he doesn't get it. He should be content to work on himself and his recovery until you can see change. That may take years. Lastin, please seriously consider not giving in to him. Please get help for YOU, and work on yourself right now.

These reasons right here make me question why I am still considering R. Why do I want this for the rest of my life??

Whatashame90, your situation is complicated. People who are bipolar also can exhibit signs of SA during manic periods. She really needs to be on the meds and stabilized and then have an evaluation with a CSAT to determine if she is indeed a SA. I highly recommend that you seek out help for yourself. Getting yourself to an emotionally healthy place needs to take precedence. You can't fix her. You need to be healthy though for your children.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
whatashame90
Member
Member # 34772
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

Whatashame90, your situation is complicated. People who are bipolar also can exhibit signs of SA during manic periods. She really needs to be on the meds and stabilized and then have an evaluation with a CSAT to determine if she is indeed a SA. I highly recommend that you seek out help for yourself. Getting yourself to an emotionally healthy place needs to take precedence. You can't fix her. You need to be healthy though for your children.

Thanks you for your insight and advice. Believe that me of all people know just how complex (and entirely fucked) this situation has turned out to be. Her bipolar fueled her alcohol abuse (and drug abuse) and then in turn fueld her A's and sexual exhibitionism in the form of taking picures of herself naked or masturbating (always with her ring finger showing off her rock I put there) and sending them to any man that showed her the LEAST amount of attention. She always said it had nothing to do with sex, but about the "someone else" scenario. But from there, she was always willing to get physical with them (and did), but used the alcohol to numb herself to the acts because she has never in her life associated sex with love or emotion (not even with me...although she put up an ocean of wonderful lies to make me beieve otherwise throughout our years and children together).

Now that she is medicated, she has little interest in sex except on rare occasions (sexual anorexia, anyone??), and almost always ends up with a UTI soon after (which makes no sense...any ladies here that could comment on that one, I would love to hear theories). She no longer even masturbates..hasn't in six + months, feels A-sexual, etc.

I assumed she would begin to normalize a little as time passed, especially after six months, but she has become even less appealing as a wife now that she is clean and sober (sick thought, I know, but just being as honest as possible). She used to be sexy and fun and outgoing and sexually charged with me, and now she is just blank. Still shops like mad, obsesses over nothing important, starts projects she never finishes, works four different part time jobs (nurse practitioner/physican assistant), spends little time giving me any "marital attention" outside of child rearing and household needs, etc.

And on top of it all, I still don't trust her as far as I can throw her 115lb. ass because she isn't working any real program. Although her therapist is a PhD that specializes in FOO issues, marital counseling and mental health issues, she has never once suggested that my WW speak with the CSAT that works for her in her practice. The therapist has grouped her addictions as all the same thing. I respectfully disagree.


ME-BH (40)
HER-WW (30)
Married 5 years, together 8 years
3 Kids, all boys, 6, 3 and 1.
DDay #1 - 4/09 EA and PA with coworker
DDay #2 - 6/10 (Nude pics to 2 men)
DDay #3 2/12 gave a stranger a blowjob in a parking lot
DDay #4 3/12 nude pics to OM1

Posts: 87 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: michigan
heartlikeawheel
New Member
Member # 36955
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, September 28th (Friday)

i am sorry if I scared people. my gratitude to 12 step outweighs my hatred of female addicts. But how do I reconcile this conflict within myself?
And whilst two of my best FFs are recovering alcoholics, I recognise that my hatred of female addicts/alcoholics -and particularly someone who set herself up as a respected SA counsellor aged approaching 50, whilst going to clubs picking up whoever, and Fing married men - doing bigtime EA as well is HUGE.


I hope to know myself
others I can only love
but look for the FACTS

Posts: 21 | Registered: Sep 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, September 28th (Friday)

It is all a matter of boundaries. For me the steps and the fellowship are essential. But I need to set boundaries while I am there.

I do not hug women (that is how we typically greet each other)

I try not to talk to women (if I do it is public and only recover based, not personal)

I do not exchange phone numbers with women.

I stick with men!!!
I stick with people who live recovery!!!


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2426 | Registered: Aug 2012
heartlikeawheel
New Member
Member # 36955
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, September 28th (Friday)

chico when I first went into 12 step recovery (looking to fix him!) the hugs were great. When he followed, into his own recovery, I let him go, so to speak. even though it seemed like the fellowship was his new drug. he didnt have a job we had 2 kids i was at uni tryinbg to make a new life/work nand if i wanted to go to MY group I had to find babysitters (his recovery so much more important than mine - life and death and so on. mLater, he had lots of FF and worked in the field and I had to keep swallowing my jealous feelings/ any suspicions because, well, that would be codependency! Now, I think that all the


I hope to know myself
others I can only love
but look for the FACTS

Posts: 21 | Registered: Sep 2012
heartlikeawheel
New Member
Member # 36955
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, September 28th (Friday)

intimate sharing that goes on amongst addicts is DANGEROUS. it leaves the family out of the picture and that that is where intimacy should stay.


I hope to know myself
others I can only love
but look for the FACTS

Posts: 21 | Registered: Sep 2012
heartlikeawheel
New Member
Member # 36955
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, September 28th (Friday)

the hugs too


I hope to know myself
others I can only love
but look for the FACTS

Posts: 21 | Registered: Sep 2012
heartlikeawheel
New Member
Member # 36955
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, September 28th (Friday)

I think it is a problem with female addicts - mostly they give out available signals - look at for example, how the majority of them dress as compared to age peer groups in the general community. Then they talk about how they 's*cked this and f*ed that' for a fix or because they were 'so out of it'
I started, 6 years ago on DDay, by feeling sorry for all the abuse they had suffered and tryying to understand how the As could happen and what I couldve done to ensure they didnt happen. but I am tired now of trying to think of reasons for nasty, selfish, greedy, me, me, me behaviours. And what it has done to my life whilst they probably don't give it a second's thought. From letting go of thoughts of revenge, 6 years ago, my WH's actions and this new discovery have sent me all the way back there. And yet, I know it is his addiction that led him to betray me. She could have been any available old tart. The trouble is, there are so many of them available at addicts groups.
If I could start over, I would still go for 12 step for recovery,as it is life and death but I would not trust my WH until he really earned that trust, rather than be fearful he might use again. My life is now in jeopardy, in more ways than one. cant imagine this isnt making me physically ill.


I hope to know myself
others I can only love
but look for the FACTS

Posts: 21 | Registered: Sep 2012
roccodom
Member
Member # 19714
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, October 13th (Saturday)

My FWS just moved back into the house after a 8 month separation. I thought everything was going well...until Wednesday when I discovered some inconsistancies in his work hours.

After much texting back and forth - he called me an told me he had been using drugs from the hospital he works at. A serious opiate. And that he started after dday #3 when he was sure we were divorcing.

I am overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. He went to one of his counselors (he has two - one psychiatrist and a LCSW) and admitted to his addiction (although he hesistant and minimizes this aspect - of course). The counselor called me to let me know that he told him. He has come up with no program as of yet. He can't go into a program because he has no time off work and they would find out and he would lose his license and we would ALL be up shits creek.

He has be off the substance since Wednesday morning (if he is telling the truth) and took off work Thursday and Friday. He is now on a boy scout weekend with our son - camping.

When I read about this addiction - it is super serious. And when he goes back to work - he is constantly exposed to the substance that he used. This is so hopeless.

He tells me that he WILL take care of it. That this will NOT be a problem. But isn't that what an addict would say?

I am having a hard time recognizing the man - if you know what I mean. Maybe he's just been talking bullshit to me for years and I just believe it.

He just trades one high for another - affair high - drug high.

OMG - someone please help me.


BS - me (45) WS - him (45)
married 16 yrs (DS 11yrs, DD 9yrs)
#1 PA - DDay 12/97
#2 PA DDay 5/08
#3 PA DDay 2/12
Trying R
Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security.


Posts: 789 | Registered: May 2008 | From: MO
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, October 13th (Saturday)

(((Roccodom)))

Minimizing, justifying, and rationalizing are addict (as well as wayward) behaviors.
They are very much the same. Moving from one "high" to the next.
My fWS moved in the opposite direction. All of her PA happened after a drug relapse, when she knew she couldnt keep using drugs but wanted something to help her to forget about the guilt and shame of the relapse.
It is good that he opened up to the councilor. That is a start. There is not a whole lot you can do besides being supportive and encouraging to continue to seek help. There are plenty of people that I know who are in recovery that work in the health field. Their stories are similar in that they helped themselves to medications at work. They have continued to work in the field and have many years "clean". Some of their employers even know and are supportive. It takes hard work, meetings, a sponsor, and 12 step work. All of that work on addiction will also help with fidelity. They both have the same root causes.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2426 | Registered: Aug 2012
roccodom
Member
Member # 19714
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, October 13th (Saturday)

Chico - thank you for your response.

He now has to tell his psychiatrist Friday - which will also be helpful.

I am tired. I do not want to look for signs - wonder when he's gonna get caught - etc. I just personally am tired from the As to this of spending my time monitoring someone else. It is not good for me.

It is good to hear that there are health professionals that have been able to remain working and be sober.


BS - me (45) WS - him (45)
married 16 yrs (DS 11yrs, DD 9yrs)
#1 PA - DDay 12/97
#2 PA DDay 5/08
#3 PA DDay 2/12
Trying R
Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security.


Posts: 789 | Registered: May 2008 | From: MO
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, October 13th (Saturday)

And he met them through this.

I think it is a problem with female addicts - mostly they give out available signals

I've had the same problem with my H. I'm trying to figure out how his pattern works.

He has spent so much time in 'the system' - mental illness AND addiction - so many years, that it is not simply a tool for him to overcome his issues anymore. It is not simply a network. It is now a social scene. He has met many of his exes through the program/system, and he has been inappropriate with many women within the program as well, including the counselors.

I think, everyone is at a different stage in recovery. And not everyone enters the system thinking they need to recover. So it does become a social scene to some people. Like you said, sending out available vibes. A lot of people in the system don't have solid boundaries (to out myself - that's how H and I met; we were in the same mental health program. It was my first time in such a program, and I felt so *safe* around him...). They lose sight - and I was guilty of this too - of the reason they are there, and instead respond to the positive mirroring they receive from someone else in there. "Oh, I've been through the same thing!" That can be great to feel supported, but then take it a step further, cross the line into improper fantasy and behavior, and the focus becomes on the sexual tension instead of on recovery. Not using the system correctly at all.

My H tests boundaries. He is easily able to sense who has the weakest boundaries, and he sends out his own signals easily as well. He doesn't tell them stop. He jokes, flirts, smiles, opens up, talks about inappropriate topics, listens. After being around them so much, he knows their patterns. I'm sure a large part of it is, he knows many of them, as addicts, struggle with loneliness. Mental illness is isolating, and addiction is part of mental illness. So it's very easy to send out available signals if you're promising companionship upfront.

No, recovery is not always a safe place for a person in a committed relationship, especially if they have poor boundaries and aren't taking the program seriously. But that's on them.

Anyway, I can relate.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:55 AM, October 13th (Saturday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, December 31st (Monday)

I have been meaning to write this post for a while. I am feeling the need to help someone today.

There are two very significant differences between Reconciliation we hear about here and Recovery from addiction.

The First One is the search for WHYs.
In Reconciliation we are told that the search for whys is one of the most important thing that WS have to do. Whether those whys are FOO issues, attention seeking, abuse, low self esteem, or whatever, Reconciliation requires that they be found and addressed.

Addiction Recovery says the why is the addiction itself. There is not a need to search for deeper whys. It is what it is. The addiction has always been there and always will be. The focus is put on changing the behaviors by building boundries and borders on the negative behaviors and replacing them with positive ones.

I tend to agree with the Recovery angle on this one. It is a live your way into a better way of thinking, instead of a think your way into a better way of living solution. Just my two cents.


The Second One has to do with Amends.

The Recovery view on making amends is to make direct amends to someone except if that amends could cause more harm. I think a lot of Recovering Addicts use this as a cop-out to not be entirely honest. The main part of the amends is changing the behavior that caused the harm so that the harm is never caused again. It is the most important part and many view that to be enough. But through personal experience with infidelity that holding secrets and not being entirely honest continues the harm all by itself even if the WS is never unfaithful again. On this one I agree with the Reconciliation approach that complete Honesty and Transparency in needed. Again my two cents.

I hope this insight helps someone who is R'ing with an addict.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2426 | Registered: Aug 2012
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)

Hi, I'm searching ICR forums for the obvious - things I can relate to!

I'm not sure I'm Ring with an addict. Just not Ring right now. But even if we don't R, I have an addict as a co-parent, so he will always be in my life.

WH is addicted to alcohol and prescription drugs. Alcohol is probably his drug of choice, though, and his addiction that I currently know more about since it is longer-standing.

I just attended my first Al Anon meeting and it was perfection. WH is in IC and starting AA this week in terms of meetings, although he has been participating in a sober recovery forum and reading the AA materials. Sober 3 weeks or so. It is really interesting for me - I have assigned no positive or negative to these actions on his part. I feel a sense of detachment from him and his disease in a way I've never felt before. I'm really taking that as a positive and trying to maintain it as time goes on. Right now, I think the detachment from his recovery process comes from the infidelity, i.e. I feel so violated by that so I can't even care right now about his sobriety. When some of that violation wears off, or turns to anger or sadness, I have to be careful about enmeshing myself in his disease.

Anyway, I'll be hanging around here now, even if I don't R. Hope that's OK.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)

Oh, all this time I have never seen this thread. I am R'ing with an addict. He has been addicted to work, narcotics, and now sex. It is a special kind of hell to keep popping from one addiction to the next. It is the addict thinking that is a huge problem.

Anyway, hope to start to share more on this thread if it can become active. From what I see on JFO, there are quite a few addicts around.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)

I am sorry you are here but Welcome.

(((RM)))

I feel a sense of detachment from him and his disease in a way I've never felt before.

You didnt cause it and you cant fix it. It is his cross to bear.

(((MM)))

It is a special kind of hell to keep popping from one addiction to the next. It is the addict thinking that is a huge problem.

It is a double edged sword. It effects so many areas of our lives that it is so overwhelming. But at the same time that one problem has one solution. There is hope if the work is done.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2426 | Registered: Aug 2012
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)

I agree that there is hope if the work is done. The issue is that it hasn't been. It really is at the beginning stages, again, with my SAWH. He went to rehab in 2008 and just didn't stay with 12 steps and therapy, he just white knuckled it and we all know how that goes. I stayed out of his recovery, it was his issue and then he switched addictions. The relapse rate for addicts is scary but I know that as long as my SAWH is in all of the programs, therapy and groups he currently is, that recovery is possible.

One day at a time! Working on making sure that my life and my kids life will be ok, even if my SAWH does relapse.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)

My fWS has been going to meetings since 2005 with no real step work. With regular relapses and A's and all sorts of other destructive behavior. It has been a long discouraging road. Getting caught this time in the A (11/2011) seems like her bottom. She has finally doing the work, real pen and paper work. We are both seeing the growth because of it. I hope your H gets it too.

Working on making sure that my life and my kids life will be ok

that and being supportive to your H are all you can do.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2426 | Registered: Aug 2012
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)

that and being supportive to your H are all you can do.

That is not where we are at in our process. He needs to accomplish some specific things and make it a little further on his own, since avoidance and manipulation are part of his addict thinking. His IC, group, 12 step meetings, sponsor, etc. are there to support him. I have the same to support me. Of course, I have SI too!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)

Sometimes that is the very support they need.

In 1997, I called my mother from jail 5 hours from home asking for bail money for the umteenth time.

She said, "ROT THERE" and hung up the phone. That was the most loving thing that she ever did for me.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2426 | Registered: Aug 2012
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)

Absolutely. One of my best friends has been in AA recovery for 25 years. She was kind of blown away about the kind of work that SAs have to do, as some of the stuff is not encouraged in AA. It does seem that for all around addicts, it is the program that finally gets them truly sober.

Ok. Off the computer for the rest of the day. Lots of things to do.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, February 4th (Monday)

Missymomma, I hear you on the fact that I can't be supportive right now. But I also hear what chicho is saying about the fact that support CAN be about leaving the addict to his or her own devices. In al anon, the message to those of us living with or affected by an alcoholic is to be compassionate, a good listener, and so on. To understand it as a disease and to offer the same care we would offer a person with cancer. Ugh. The infidelity complicates that so much for me. His violation of me and my body is far worse than living with someone who has cancer. But I also understand the principle and for other al anon members, their bodies and lives have been violated by the disease as well (physical abuse, financial ruin, etc).

I'm just taking it day by day, so I don't have much to say about this "compassion for the addict" thing except that I get it, and sometimes feel it, but I also feel like I'm disrespecting myself in the process when I offer it, or lowering my boundaries.

Anyway, I do realize that I'm supporting my WH in three ways:
1) allowing him the time to go to meetings by caring for the kids and home.
2) using joint marital funds for his IC
3) when he wants to talk, I listen. I try not to enmesh myself, giv advice, pat him on the back, etc. (toxic pattern in our marriage). But I listen.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, February 4th (Monday)

Well, in COSA and CODA the focus is on me and not the addict. He is to be working his program and I am to work mine. Not sure how it is in Al-Anon. To me just not divorcing him is support enough. I guess I don't really get what you mean by supporting the addict. It just sounds a little codependent. Just trying to keep the focus on me and what I need, as that has been overlooked for entirely too long in the relationsip


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, February 4th (Monday)

I am married to a SA and I totally think you should be supportive as long as they are doing the work.
You can support your H by just listening to him and praising him for achieving recovery. Being co dependent would be doing it for him, but you can work on yourself and be supportive of him at the same time.
If you are in the marriage together, then it only makes sense to me to be supportive of each other and the work you both have to do. JMHO


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, February 4th (Monday)

I am married to a SA and I totally think you should be supportive as long as they are doing the work.
You can support your H by just listening to him and praising him for achieving recovery. Being co dependent would be doing it for him, but you can work on yourself and be supportive of him at the same time.
If you are in the marriage together, then it only makes sense to me to be supportive of each other and the work you both have to do. JMHO


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, February 4th (Monday)

We have been discussing in both if my meetings to stop with the "helperism" aspect of codependency. That is where I am coming from. His recovery is for him. I do say I appreciate it when he approaches things with me differently. That is where I am with my recovery. He is finally really getting it and he is after recovery for himself, not for me. It is finally such a different experience. Not me insisting he do the work and needing recognition from me for every little step in recovery.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, February 5th (Tuesday)

Tired and missy momma, I identify with both of you. Al anon definitely espouses focusing on yourself just like s-anon, I think. I'm doing that at least for today. Sounds like we all are. I do think the line between supporting and "doing" can be crossed without knowing it especially in these early stages.

Like missy, I'm a little more focused on the hands off support. Missy says not divorcing him is support enough. True. And some of the things I'm doing, such as creating time for him to go to AA (not forcing, not reminding, not prodding - just offering to be home with the kids) are more indirect support. I suppose I could require him to get a babysitter. But I want to be home and all I'm doing is communicating to him my schedule.

Right now, though, I'm backing off being a cheerleader. That kind of support feels unhealthy and, frankly, it doesn't do jack shit. Expressing appreciation, as missy says, is about all I can do. I ask sometimes how he is feeling being sober.

Tired, I can't even discern right now if he is doing the work, you know? I get that you feel support can be tied to someone who is in recovery. I agree. He is sober. Going to IC, AA. But that isn't the work in and of itself. As a wise SIer told me - attending meetings and therapy isn't necessarily the work. Doing the work goes so much farther than that, truly working the 12 steps. Anyway, I'm too new to this to assess his work, and I'm too detached right now anyway. That's down the road for me, but I do think al anon would agree that supporting someone in active, meaningful recovery is an important part of the process.

We talked about apologizing last night at my al anon meeting. It devolved into discussing anger. We hold onto our anger as a way to feel powerful. Which I guess I knew but in looking at the al anon steps and admitting our powerlessness over others and alcohol...this idea of rage or anger as a self serving tool of power hit me like a ton of bricks.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, February 5th (Tuesday)

So are any of you guys working the steps for codependency? Just wondering what anyone else's experience is. It has been many years since I have done a 4th step.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)

Missy, I'm not in coda. I don't think I'm codependent? I've thought about it, looked at it, and it doesn't feel right. I exhibit some of the control patterns. I also worry that I'm staying in this toxic situation far longer than I should. But a lot of it doesn't ring true for me.

Is codependency kind of assume for those of us with addicts?

I wish you the best of luck with step 4. That looks crazy hard. I'll get there one day, too, with al anon. Even if we D, I plan to work the steps since he is my co parent.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)

Rocky - I think it is usually assumed that if you are with an addict that you have some level of codependency. From the testing I've done mine is in my primary relationships and more about staying bonded and supporting someone when they are a danger and bad for me. I am not a people pleaser, so that part of it doesn't fit. I think with the SA that I have been much more confrontational and insistent about treatment than I was with the DA. The SA is just much more traumatic for the spouse, it hit our relationship hard. The 4th step is tough but it was really helpful when I did it many years ago. It helped me see where I had wronged people, as well. There was one ex-boyfriend I had made amends to and we were very close friends up until my current H couldn't stand me keeping an old boyfriend as a friend.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 7:18 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)

I worked a 4th step years ago when I first started the process. At the time i was single so the focus was more about how I acted in failed relationships in the past and mostly how I put things before people (drugs, alcohol, sex, money, Ect.)

I am in the middle of another one right now. This one is filled with much more emotion. The focus in more on our relationship and family. It is how I put other people before myself.

Every time I do step work it strips from me these preconceived notions of who I am or who I think I should be and shows me glimpses of who I want to be and who I really am.

When people really do step work, I mean really do it you will know. The change in their demeanor and personality will be glaring.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2426 | Registered: Aug 2012
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, February 7th (Thursday)

Missy, yea, I thought they might be how you would answer...that it is assumed those of us with addicts are co dependent.

So is everyone in R co dependent? I realize a lot probably are but I guess I didnt think that supporting a wayward was necessarily a flag for co dependency. I mean, they are all bonded to and supporting someone who has trashed them.

For me, my H has shown issues with alcohol the entire marriage but the admission of alcoholism was recent (although I''ve probably been in denial about it, too). His drug use was totally hidden. So, in a way, I didn''t even know I was being hurt, so bonding with him or whatever wasn''t co dependent.

I think I''m confused. But also totally interested. Do you think that working the steps in al anon will help with any minor or residual co dependency? I mean, a lot of it is owning your powerlessness and leaving the alcoholic to their own devices (largely) in recovery.

I can see how the SA has been more of a struggle. I can. Not to minimize any other addictions but sex is inherent to a healthy marriage yet it has also been the source of immense pain. I have an eating disorder and there are some similarities there in the sense that I have to eat food but food has been my enemy, too. You can''t cut it out like you can with alcohol and drugs.

Thanks for coming back to this thread.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, February 7th (Thursday)

Rocky, I think it just depends. Personally, I did a lot of testing to show where my codependency lies. Thank goodness, it isn't something that usually happens in friendships or work for me. Just my primary relationships, and that is plenty! would think Al-Anon steps would help. The 1st step for CODA is admitting that we are powerless over others. In general, I think that is an amazing approach. I cannot make anyone feel, think or behave the way I want them to. I can, however, have appropriate boundaries for myself.

Chico - I started working on the 4th step but my IC asked me to wait and concentrate on preparing myself for the new disclosure we are having next week. I think it will have a lot more in it than last time. Hope you are having great success with yours!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2426 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 192