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User Topic: Things that every WS needs to know
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, November 4th (Wednesday)

I'm reposting this to the Wayward Side forum as I belive that this is worth reading over and over again.

It was edited to apologize for the fact that I posted it as Things that the BS needs to know when in truth, it was suppose to be, things that the WS needs to know. What a klutz. Must have had my BS on my mind at the time. LOL.

I found this posted in http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=322206&HL=22698 where it had been put by Trynhard, member# 22698 who reposted it there on Oct. 22 09 but could not recall where they had gotten it. If anyone knows who the author is, please let us know, so we can at least give them copyright acknowledgement.

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 3:24 PM, June 8th (Wednesday)]


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3230 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
DumbBlonde
Member
Member # 24972
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, November 4th (Wednesday)

No stop sign so...

Thank you for posting this. I actually printed it out thinking maybe my dimwitted WH might read it. But I know better. I think it accurately describes the emotions we feel and how confused we are. We are having a really tough time. He is no longer patient or understanding but irrate when I get in my moods. And I think, what happened to this man who said he would always be here for me, that he would do everything needed to make our marriage work? I am so confused and lost...and he doesn't understand why after 2 1/2 years of lies and trickle truth that I cannot just move on and forget and forgive. So thank you for posting this....


BW - phone billin Feb 07 taught me a few things about WH
Married Aug 86 (I know, I know!!)
know of 2 As 1 that had been off and on for the duration on my marriage (my name should be: What A Boob!)
lots of Ddays due to trickle truth
Several false

Posts: 349 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: California
inink
Member
Member # 24251
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, November 4th (Wednesday)

BS here. Wow! This is great. I am going to give this to both my husband and our therapist. Thank you so much for sharing it.


Me - BW
DD - May Day 2009
Status - Limbo waiting for him to engage
May 2012 - Feeling Done in my heart. Death by limbo, lack of demonstrated remorse, emotional unavailability, lack of companionship, lack of demonstrated affection. Sexless marri

Posts: 168 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sydney
Sereneaspiration
Member
Member # 25296
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, November 4th (Wednesday)

What a terrific post!


Me (BW)-42 yo,EWH - 42yo,DD - 14
DS - 18yo
Married 3/15/92
Ddays: 12/26/1995, October 2008 (EA and sexually explicit emails),4/10/2009 (ONS A), 8/31/2009 (5 year A w/coworker), 10/5/2009 WH broke NC
C Separation
Reconciliation

Posts: 263 | Registered: Aug 2009
afeni
Member
Member # 25363
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, November 4th (Wednesday)

wow..... i wish he could do even half of what you have said.
thats all i can really say.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2009
iwantamiracle
Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, November 4th (Wednesday)

fabulous post...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 6038 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, November 4th (Wednesday)

BS here...if you are interested in R'ing, this rocks! If a WS has a 'guide book', by all means use it! It'll help you both so much.



Posts: 14343 | Registered: Jun 2008
kdny
Member
Member # 760
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, November 4th (Wednesday)

I edited your title.


Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

Posts: 81335 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
itspersonal
Member
Member # 24887
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, November 4th (Wednesday)

thank you that was amazing to read and spot on!


me:bs
him: ws
:Got caught in Affair with same Coworker x 2 in 08 and 09: True R and it started with my healing.
3 kids: 16,23,30
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING!!!!!! "When someone SHOWS YOU who they are, believe them"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2009
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, November 4th (Wednesday)

amazing post...thanks HUFI....


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5846 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Buzz09
Member
Member # 25971
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, November 4th (Wednesday)

Incredible post! Hopefully this will help a WS understand, cope and lead to a happy R.


Me BH 40
WW 41

Posts: 648 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: buzz09
Finesse026
Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, November 4th (Wednesday)

BS here!

Thank you for this post! I, too, am sending this to my H. I hope it helps him and us.

Thank you!


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
dreamer1
Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, November 4th (Wednesday)

BS here, Thank you as well.

Now my WH is wanting to come back home now, after a 3year A, wich was TT for 2 years, about it still being over. Now he would like to come home and put the past in the past and never have it brought up and have a wonderful marriage just the two of us. However there is Twin O/C so it will not be just the two of us. Anyway, what I am wondering do I give this to him before I let him back in, or do I make it a stipulation that I need this in play just in case, I have triggers, or moments as we call them. LOL

You assistance will help, thanks.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
tearsofjade
Member
Member # 25778
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, November 5th (Thursday)

Absolutely print it out and give it to him. My WH has done many things to hurt me since DDay, I chalk it up to ignorance. The quote that is in my head is from Jesus who said "forgive then, they don't know what they are doing."
If they are clueless, and lets face it, the fact that they gave themselves permission to cheat shows they are, they need to have it spelled out for them how to properly go about REALLY making things work not just guessing.


FBW(me)48
Divorced and really happy!
The best revenge is a life lived well!

Posts: 653 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: michigan
Iamsooscared
Member
Member # 24319
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, November 5th (Thursday)

excellent post.
thanks.


Me: Forgiven WW (40's)
He: BH (40's)
DDay 05/01/09 - see profile for details.
Kids - DD & DS
Working on R
Character: Its what you do when no one is looking.

Posts: 495 | Registered: Jun 2009
Just Crushed
Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, November 5th (Thursday)

I also thing this is an incredible post. I'm a BS and see that most of the responses have been from BSs or veterans. I would be interested in hearing what WSs think about this advice/guide??? I know my WW would have a very difficult time understanding, digesting and following this advice.

I would love to hear what other WSs think...especially WSs under a year from dday.


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
143ANF
Member
Member # 22730
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, November 5th (Thursday)

Wonderful post.

My WH would not be able to digest this besides follow the advise. His passive/aggressive ways would take over and he would inevitably do the opposite, especially if I were the one to show this to him.

I wish the best to those of you whose Wayward is willing to take the advice.


I've gotten off the crazy train and I'm loving living life.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Florida
kluelesskat
Member
Member # 23552
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, November 5th (Thursday)

Its like someone was reading my mind...


Me - BS
Him - WS
MOW - Ole fatty w 2 others on the side besides mine and her husband

Posts: 215 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada Eh
bigdog
Member
Member # 25379
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, November 5th (Thursday)

WS here, best damn post I have ever read. My BS emailed me and told me about it, I printed it off yesterday and took it home last night. I have read it 3 or 4 times now, we both found there are things in the post that we have already been doing but there is more there for me. This is great, I hope every WS opens their eyes and reads this, it will help.



FWH (me)
BW (hopelessromantic)
Dday 5/03/09 TT til 6/22/09



Posts: 103 | Registered: Sep 2009
Textbook Case
Member
Member # 24977
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, November 5th (Thursday)

best damn post I have ever read

Ditto!


BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)
Reconciling...

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Jul 2009
dreamer1
Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, November 5th (Thursday)

Hopefully the MOD will place this in our healing library.

I think this is one of those things that should be placed on both WS and BS, it tells the story of were we are headed, and going, as well as a instruction manual for WS to follow right along and keep up with us now.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, November 8th (Sunday)

A shameless bump becasue HUFI needs to read the section on trickle truthing again!

You would figure that he could learn one of these times, don't ya!


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3230 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
Bunnyhop
New Member
Member # 25894
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, November 9th (Monday)

Thank you for your wise words.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: uk
iwantoff
New Member
Member # 25553
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, November 10th (Tuesday)

First time I ever looked into Wayward Side forum yesterday and I cried "relief" tears.

My WH keeps saying he doesn't know what I need and he's tries things that seem to hurt me more. I don't think I could still write this post because the feelings/emotions are so extreme. I thank the person that was able to put this in words. It was exactly what I couldn't verbalize or explain or ask for.

I made a copy for MC and IC.

Gave WH with "If you never read anything else on affairs, this is gold to me. A gift of words....". I think he read it last night.

Thank you!


Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: minnesota
iwantoff
New Member
Member # 25553
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, November 10th (Tuesday)

First time I ever looked into Wayward Side forum yesterday and I cried "relief" tears.

My WH keeps saying he doesn't know what I need and he's tries things that seem to hurt me more. I don't think I could still write this post because the feelings/emotions are so extreme. I thank the person that was able to put this in words. It was exactly what I couldn't verbalize or explain or ask for.

I made a copy for MC and IC.

Gave WH with "If you never read anything else on affairs, this is gold to me. A gift of words....". I think he read it last night.

Thank you!


Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: minnesota
gardengirl
Member
Member # 26021
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, November 10th (Tuesday)

BS here, thanks so much for this, it captures it all so well


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 29
A: 4 weeks lead-up to 2 times of PA followed by 5 weeks of dumbassness where she magically morphed into my replacement
DDay #1 Aug 3, 2009 (TT through Oct)
DDay #2 Sept 16, 2009
DDay #3 Oct 1, 2009
S'ing

Posts: 322 | Registered: Oct 2009
how2cope
New Member
Member # 26073
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, November 10th (Tuesday)

This is truly an amazing post! As someone else said, it felt like you read my mind. It breaks my heart to know that so many of us are out there relating to this post and knowing exactly what it feels like. This is definately a keeper! Thank you


Me - BS - 44
Him - WH - 50
Together 23 yrs, M-16
D-Day - Oct. 10/09
Final trickle truth out Nov. 22/09
Love each other like it's your last day

Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2009
dayatatime
Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, November 10th (Tuesday)

I wish I could give this to every single person who is thinking of cheating right now. Sure does illustrate how devestating and permanent the consequences are.


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 764 | Registered: Nov 2007
hopefulmom
Member
Member # 23556
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, November 11th (Wednesday)

I loved this post. I identified with so much here. Thanks.

I showed it to my WS.

This was his reply:

"I did read it. Remember.....that is 1 persons point of view.....we have no idea what the total situation the writer was in.....cant just look at one side..... It is not about me....it is about US...and that is what Ive always looked at.... Why did you think I ended my relationship with OW and came back to you for councelling? Because It was about US...and I wanted to try."

He still doesn't get it does he?

Thud.


me-44
WH-45
married 22 years
Dday 10/08
Divorced!

Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, November 11th (Wednesday)

I showed it to my WS.

This was his reply:

"I did read it. Remember.....that is 1 persons point of view.....we have no idea what the total situation the writer was in.....cant just look at one side..... It is not about me....it is about US...and that is what Ive always looked at.... Why did you think I ended my relationship with OW and came back to you for councelling? Because It was about US...and I wanted to try."

He still doesn't get it does he?

Nope!


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
lola007
New Member
Member # 23510
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, November 15th (Sunday)

thanks for the words


me-FWS 42
him-BS 48

Posts: 32 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: United States
fireandice
Member
Member # 22445
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Thank you! An excellent post!

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2009
WifePI
Member
Member # 26264
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, November 20th (Friday)

This is so well written. So powerful. The suggestion to place it in the healing library is a great one.

My H read this yesterday per my request, and it seems to have impacted him in a strong way. He has already made efforts to follow some of that advice. I think it brought him more understanding about my feelings than all of the talking I've done. It's like he is finally starting to "get it".

Thank you for this amazing post!


BW (me)
FWH (twelve week EA/PA with MOW)
Together 10 yrs, M for 4

Dday #1: 5/30/09
False NC/False R: 6/29/09
Dday #2 (same MOW): 7/13/09

TT and rugsweeping continue to drag out our healing...


Posts: 122 | Registered: Nov 2009
lostsuol
Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, November 20th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 811 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
JoyH
Member
Member # 5973
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, November 20th (Friday)

As an "oldie" and BS, I would recommend this post to anyone trying to recover. A good summary of many of the recovery resources.

I've read the books and been through it so much in the early time after dday, with massive trickle truths and even some minor backsliding behavior.

This rings so true to what the majority of BS go through. We don't want to be protected from the truth, as that just means further lies. Yes, triggers can happen for a long time, but with time, they get easier to push aside, eventually, becoming more matter of fact.

Offering that little reassurance when infidelity comes up on TV or even offering to change the channel in that first year can mean so much. A hug, a whisper about how the BS will never have to worry about that again can mean so much!

Recovery from such an emotional trauma is a long and difficult road. Something the BS even beats themselves up about and can become very discouraged over.

Wish we had found more help in those early months, we may have progressed faster. In hindsight, I see the effects of the massive trickle truth in very delayed rebuilding of trust that might never be the same.

Everyone is different in their needs, and it is hard to believe that this will work when dealing with a BS who is in the mist of the roller coaster of emotions after dday.

I can only testify from my own experience and years of being around boards like this to say that this CAN help.

Time and lots of effort from both spouses will be the key. Lots of patience and seeking help to find the path to build stronger boundaries to protect your marriage in the future.

Wish I knew who to give credit for this article!


Initial dday 11/00.
Me: BS
H: WS,
Difficult road, but Reconciling.

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past and instead inviting hope for a better future."

"The Truth Hurts, But It's Best That You Know."


Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: Fl, USA
captiva
Member
Member # 15193
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, December 4th (Friday)

Amazing - I wish I could have shared this with my H in the aftermath of d-day and our recovery process. There are a few things on there that would have undoubtedly changed the way I feel now.

Thanks Hufi for posting this.


4 years out. We're getting there.......I will never forget the hurt he created by having a LTA with a serial marriage wrecker. I don't think he will forget the hurt either, nor how ashamed he is of his behaviour.....

Posts: 986 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: UK
fadingmemories
Member
Member # 20531
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, December 7th (Monday)

Thank you so much for this post. It is so true and helped me feel stronger to know I am in the Process of healing. I sent it to my FWH who is away on business, which is always a hard time for us.
He responded with these words.
I see the wisdom in the words.
I will take them to heart and make them my own
I will remember to remember to remind you of how grateful I am and I am grateful for your willingness to give me a second chance.
I found my real life and am living it for the first time.
I am grateful to be sharing it truly and and whole heartily and gladly with you.
I am truly sorry for the pain and grief I have caused you. You did not deserve it. It was inexcusable, I offer no excuses. I was wrong and I know it. Thank you for giving me a chance to help you heal the hurt I caused you.
There is so much more to do and say. Together we can find our way. I am at your side even though I am far away I am with you.
I love you,

A great way to start the day
I hope you have the same


Me BS
Him FWS
Married 25 Years  Together 31
LTA 12 years
DDay 4/11/08
R 2/14/09
"No matter if you think you can or you can't...either way you are right"
Scars do not form on the dying...
only on the survivors.



Posts: 317 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: North East
thaboss
Member
Member # 26342
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, December 8th (Tuesday)

bump.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: CA
mtloser
New Member
Member # 26392
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, December 9th (Wednesday)

you need to get over yourself, this over the top crap is way to self serving.


life is what you make it

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2009
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, December 17th (Thursday)

Bumpity bump bump for t he newbies


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3230 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
jewel123
Member
Member # 22863
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, December 18th (Friday)

Bump cause this deserves to be on the first page.


BS me 44
H 46 (paulie)
married 25 years (hs sweethearts)
dday 8-08
DS19
DS23
New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth. -Thomas Hardy
Reconciled! :)

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: MO
True723
Member
Member # 25632
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, December 19th (Saturday)

Thank you for this- so so so accurate.


Me- BW/35
Him- WH/35
DDay August 14, 2009, NC broken end of August, Reconciling
1 daughter

Posts: 57 | Registered: Sep 2009
sadallthetime
Member
Member # 26845
Content  Posted: 10:35 AM, December 19th (Saturday)

Thank you so much for this post. I just joined SI and sent this to my WH. He read it this morning and says it really helps him. It also helps me.


Me-BW 60 now, FWH 64 now, 2 adult kids
DD#1 7-21-09 11 yr. affair w OW 30 yrs. younger who is an "escort". DD#2 7-23-09 Long Term EA with mutual friend DD#3 10-3-09 1 1/2 yr PA with escort #2 DD#4 10 yr. EA w/old GF

Posts: 104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
sadallthetime
Member
Member # 26845
Content  Posted: 10:35 AM, December 19th (Saturday)

[This message edited by sadallthetime at 10:36 AM, December 19th (Saturday)]


Me-BW 60 now, FWH 64 now, 2 adult kids
DD#1 7-21-09 11 yr. affair w OW 30 yrs. younger who is an "escort". DD#2 7-23-09 Long Term EA with mutual friend DD#3 10-3-09 1 1/2 yr PA with escort #2 DD#4 10 yr. EA w/old GF

Posts: 104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
silencesoloud
Member
Member # 23669
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, December 31st (Thursday)

bump for trying


BS (me) 30's
WH 30's
high school sweethearts
4 kids S17 , D9 , S6 , S 10 months
Agreed to NC 11/15/2010
was never actually NC
Multiple affairs , hookers , porn , you name it .
hurting like hell still but working through it for ME .

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2009
Textbook Case
Member
Member # 24977
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 7th (Thursday)

bump


BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)
Reconciling...

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Jul 2009
sodeeplysaddened
Member
Member # 26709
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, January 7th (Thursday)

Wow, great. I cried and then copied and emailed it to my WH who is trying but just doesn't know how.


WH - 49
BS - 47 (me)
dday1 - 11/16/09
dday2 - 12/1/09
dday3 - 1/13/10
Dday 4 -10/21/12 - trolling Craigslist again

married 16 years, 2 kids: 11 DD, 13 DS
In process of R


Posts: 248 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: In R.
Juliet
Member
Member # 17673
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, January 7th (Thursday)

Wow. I hope this keeps getting bumped up. I'd never seen it before but it is greatly appreciated and will be shared.


Dday #1 -12/22/2007
Dday #2 - 1/1/2008 - same OW
R- 3/2008
Married 2/14/2010
Dday #3 - 2/11/2011 - TT finally ended w/6 additional OW and NC broken once

Posts: 304 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
fwdmoving
New Member
Member # 27244
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, January 20th (Wednesday)

i sent this to my WS...thank you!

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2010
manAscending
Member
Member # 26919
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, February 1st (Monday)

Bumping this great post for new WS to the site.

Posts: 1648 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario
Textbook Case
Member
Member # 24977
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, February 11th (Thursday)

bumping again - best damn post on this site!


BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)
Reconciling...

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Jul 2009
hc09
New Member
Member # 26994
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, February 11th (Thursday)

Hello, I am a WS, and I have to admit this post made me break down and cry a few times, from the shame of my actions, and from the further realisation of what my actions have done to the love of my life.

I agree with and understand the necessity of the actions listed... I am grateful that someone has put all these wonderful tips in one place (i agree it should go into the healing library as some other commenters have mentioned).

I showed this to my BS, and I am looking forward to discussing how he feels about what was written, and how he would like it applied to our situation.

All I want in the world is to reconcile, and to do everything right that I can for my amazing BS.

Thank you again for posting this.


Me - 23, WS
Him - 26, BS
Together 6.5 years.
D-Day 1: Dec 19th, 2009,
TT'd until,
D-Day 2: Jan 29th, 2010
R-Day: Jan 29th 2010


Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Kitchener, Ontario
Sham
New Member
Member # 27535
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, February 12th (Friday)

I am the WS and this was a wonderful post.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
I certainly agree with all that it says and I have been doing everything I can to show my husband how remorseful I am and how thankful I am that he is willing to reconcile.


WS: Me
D-day: February 3, 2010
In Reconciliation: Because of the unbelievable love and forgiveness of my husband.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2010
Lalena75
Member
Member # 27215
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, February 14th (Sunday)

Thank you thank for this post I think my fwh gets it really really gets it now I printed this out and he read it and for the first time he was able to talk to me about his A's without being angry and defensive that was one of the greatest gifts I could have this weekend.


Me(BS):35 Him(FWH):35 2 kids 14, 8 Together 15 yrs, M for 12 D-day #1 8-28-02 D-day #2 11-17-08 still getting TT which leads to D-day #3 01-26-10 admitted to 3 ow 15 years ago, currently in an EA with my now ex friend they deny it so we are headed for d.

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jan 2010
FragileFlower
New Member
Member # 27545
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, February 15th (Monday)

I just wanted to bump this, because it's such a wonderful post!


Me-BSO 50
Him-WSO 53
DDay 12/20/09
R 1/15/10
Proposed 3/6/10
Shopped for rings 3/13/10
TT 3/14/10
Still trying...why?

Posts: 16 | Registered: Feb 2010
manAscending
Member
Member # 26919
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, February 26th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 1648 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, March 23rd (Tuesday)

Bumpity bump bump for some of the newbies and as a refresher for the rest of us.


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3230 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
Crossbow
Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, March 25th (Thursday)

Excellent post, it really is. I am glad you posted it here where other Waywards will read it.

You not only describe exactly what was happening to us, thankfully you described exactly the things my FWW did - and those were the only things that could save our M.

2.5+ years out, and I still suffer from some of the fallout of her infidelity. The nightmares return sometimes, the insomnia is profound and severe as opposed to pre-A, when it was only "bad." I still struggle with feeling unattractive, second-best, and at times the "unfairness" of it all still rankles. She got the fun & excitement, and all I got was the worst misery of my life, through no fault of my own. These things happen so much less often than they used to, and aside from the severe insomnia, everything has improved dramatically.

I simply cannot stress how utterly traumatizing it is to be a BS. And I was desperate to feel better, no desire to "wallow" or anything like that. It just takes a long damn time, even with a FWS doing everything "right."

Thank you again. Great post.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
Alex52
New Member
Member # 27915
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, March 26th (Friday)

Thank You for posting this. My WW is reading it right now. ai really thnk she will finally understand. Thank You again.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Columbus, Ohio
islandgrl
Member
Member # 22010
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, March 26th (Friday)

HI
HUFI-PUFI asked if anyone knew who the author of this is. It is a compilation by MessedUpandDown. Well, I remember reading this (probably cause it is so good) but it was as a pdf I had requested by email from the author when it was in draft form and asking for opinions on it. (I also never clean up my email box -lol)

yeh at the time I thought we were fine & didn't realize it was a false R, so I didnt even give it to WH -but it might be a good time now.

Here is the intro for it:

Received: Saturday, June 20, 2009, 1:26 PM

Attached is the article. Before you read it or share it, here are some things you need to know about it...

1. This really started as a project. I was collecting passages from various authors to create one coagulated, cogent article, written for the WSs to understand what is happening to BSs in the early stages. I wanted it to be thorough, but short enough that it could be read in just a few minutes - an article, not a book.

2. I found some great stuff, but also found some of it to be poorly written, incomplete and lacking "suggested" advice on the best way to handle things. Many articles just painfully "hit them over the head" (nobody wants that, right?) instead of being "firmly informational". And many that were informational, lacked specificity in suggested actions.

3. So I amalgamated all this stuff, spliced and edited it, added to it, finalized it and sent it to my wife. She has responded positively to it. (She's even asked for suggestions as to what else she might read.)

I would really appreciate your feedback. Let me know what you think, what your spouse thought, if it helped either of you, if it spurred some positive reaction, etc. (You can send me a PM or email)

Best of luck to you. Hope everything works out to your satisfaction - and happiness!

Regards,
Messed Up - And Down

Thanks to "Messed Up - And Down"


Me: BS (47)Him: WS (47) Together: 28 years Kids: 3 boys
suspected Aug 08, C Day: Dec.6,2008 OW - skanky co-worker "just friends"
Broken NC: many times(last attempt Aug 7,2010-no reply from OW)
getting there....

Posts: 286 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Canada
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, March 26th (Friday)

Please remember that if R is to happen, both BS and WS have to heal.
~ Remorseful WW


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2839 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Momentothyme
Member
Member # 26901
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, March 26th (Friday)

Wow - I always found it an eye opener how similar all affairs, BS and WS really are... we are human following some pattern when in similar situations.


BW - middle age.
WH - middle age.

Married - 20 years
3 kiddos - 9 and under.
D-day #1 - early November 2009.
D-day #2 - mid December 2009 (TT).
Recovered: (2012)

-------
edits spelling and grammar errors.


Posts: 291 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Somewhere on the surface
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, March 28th (Sunday)

((((( Islandgrl & MessedUpandDown )))))

Island Girl – thank you for coming forward with the information about the author. I have been waiting for months and am glad that I now can give credit to the author of this great article.

MessedUpandDown – Thank you for this amazing post. You did an excellent job in compling the information that a WS needs so they can trely understand what they have done to their BS. Your article has provided great insight into the BS’s heart and mind and has helped numerous WS's understand the real impact that our affairs have had on our spouses.

As you read this post, you can see that the article has critical acclaim and you should be proud of being the author. Thank you for letting me share this with the rest of the SI community.

At least now, credit can go to the persons who truly deserve it.

HUFI

DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD

(edited for spelling & the usual stuff)

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 2:46 AM, March 29th (Monday)]


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3230 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, March 28th (Sunday)

Wonderful post. Sent the link to my H to read.

I'd like to add to the physical symptoms that can happen - constantly cold. I had/have this issue. No matter what I do at times I can not get warm. I've heard of others having that as well.


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
dying in remorse
New Member
Member # 27518
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, April 1st (Thursday)

bump


FWW 30 (ME)
BH 34 (My Love)
Married 7 years
Together 9 1/2 years
D-day 2-1-10
Children
2 boys - ages 12 & 7
1 girl - age 5

Our abusers may have thought they broke us, beat us, dominated and manipulated us, but they strengthened us.


Posts: 47 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Iowa
SmokeyGrey
New Member
Member # 27802
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, April 9th (Friday)

This is a fantastic post. It summed up pretty much everything I've been trying to tell WH but haven't been able to articulate. I gave a copy to him, and he said it really helped him to understand too. So, we'll see! Great post. I think this needs to be on the JFO forum too as many people don't venture over here.


DD#1 - 02/26/10 - 4 month PA
DD#2- 03/03/10 - 18 month PA "relationship"
DD#3 - 10/31/10 (separated at the time, but found out about an affair that happened about 9 years ago)

Divorcing.

Married for 5 years, together for almost 13.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Mar 2010
MessedUpAndDown
Member
Member # 24367
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, April 25th (Sunday)

I’ve been lurking on this post, checking back on it every now and then. But since I’ve been “outed” I guess it’s time to say something. This project began as a catharsis for me and a means to express all this to my WW. I was really just trying to provide some insight and clarity. Since it helped me, I thought it might be a good tool for other couples whose marriages have been severely wounded by infidelity. As BSs begin in what I call “the state of emotional vertigo” and remain in emotional overload for a while, we have a tough time understanding it ourselves, let alone communicating it to our WSs. Indeed, moments of clarity seem to be at a premium in the early stages.

I hypothesized that this article might help others but I didn’t know how to go about making it available without appearing to be selling something. Then I found occasions when quoting from it (a sentence or two, or even a paragraph) appeared to be an apropos response to a post. I’d write, “Here’s a quote from ‘Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse.’” Then I’d insert the quote. I did this three or four times, offering to make the article available. The result was startling. I started getting PM’s asking for a copy of the article. I think I emailed about 60 to 70 copies and always asked the recipient to let me know if it helped. I did get numerous responses ranging from “My partner gets it now” to “I’d be too afraid to share this with my spouse.” In no event did anyone write back and say, “I shared it with her/him and it made things worse.”

I never really expected to see the article posted here in its entirety, but I must confess that seeing all the positive responses brought tears to my eyes. This demonstrates how much SI can mean to all of us. There is so much understanding here. Despite all the pain we may carry privately, so long as we have this community we need not be alone.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: 16 years
DDay: 12-12-08 ~ S: 8-1-10
"If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then give up. There's no sense in being a damn fool about it." - W.C. Fields

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2009
flowermom
Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, April 26th (Monday)

I had read this earlier, and it became one of the measures to validate how my stbx was doing. He rarely apologized, and blame shifted. He continued to indulge with porn, albeit on a lower level, and eventually re-established contact with his favorite hooker. He was not truly remorseful. Even after the papers have been filed, he still will not fully admit that he cheated all on his own. I "forced" him into it.
This posting shows how a truly repentant ws can restore trust and salvage their relationship.


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
prayformiracle
Member
Member # 22845
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, April 26th (Monday)

hufi what a post


Iwantamiracle, you are my everything, I will love you always and forever. Life without your smile, your love is empty and sad.
I will not stop working on me on us, I will not stop caring, will not stop loving you, ever. Faithfuly and commited.

Posts: 412 | Registered: Feb 2009
ohell
New Member
Member # 27404
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, April 26th (Monday)

All I can say is Thank You!

MessedUpandDown: I think that it is wonderful for you to see the response your article has created. We never know when something we do will impact someone else. It made me feel good so I can only imagine how you should feel. Thank You.

[This message edited by ohell at 12:08 AM, April 27th (Tuesday)]


BW 37 yrs old
WH 42 yrs old
Married 15 years
4 kids
D-Day 1/6/10

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2010
GrievingMommy
Member
Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, April 28th (Wednesday)

Wow! What wonderful information MessedUpandDown! Thank you so much for sharing it Hufi.

I sent it to my WH and he read it and it made sense to him as well as to me.

It helps put into words what my heart and head are feeling but just can verbalize.

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 10:26 AM, April 28th (Wednesday)]


Me - Now 36 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1691 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
slowlymending
Member
Member # 26454
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 29th (Thursday)

Bump for a newbie who is struggling.....


BW-me

Slowlymending....

Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke


Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2009
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, May 6th (Thursday)

bump for newbies


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
Wayward_Angel
Member
Member # 28452
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 6th (Thursday)

as the WS here, this was very informational. Most of the questions I find myself asking people here on SI are composed of "what can/should I do to...." in one form or another. So this was very helpful.

Does anyone happen to know of anything similar for the BS to read? Things to know about the WS or w/e? I think it might help his confusion to read something along the lines of the grieving process for the betrayer as well. Because those of us who truly are sorry, we do grieve. I'm frieving the loss of what I now know was a perfectly healthy marriage, and I will never have that again :(

anyways, my point being: THANK YOU!


Dday 4/21/2010
Me: WS 25
Him: BS 30

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Dallas, TX
kluelesskat
Member
Member # 23552
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, May 8th (Saturday)

Awesome


Me - BS
Him - WS
MOW - Ole fatty w 2 others on the side besides mine and her husband

Posts: 215 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada Eh
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, May 13th (Thursday)

Bumped for (((hunter07))) and even for myself.

As I got off Skype this morning, I was reminded again that my BS will be dealing with MY AFFIAR for the rest of her life. I was reminded again that I had made stupid decisions that will forever impact her life and that she was the innocent victim of my life decisions.

And during this conversation, I was not as sensitive to the hurt that she was feeling over my decision as I should have been. I was being defensive in my replies in order to protect my fragile ego, whereas I should have been more empathetic to her feelings. Ah well, I guess this is way this particular post is one that I re-read on a regular basis.

HUFI


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3230 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
eyesnowopen
Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 15th (Saturday)

I love this post, I sent this to my WS and so far he has been doing such a great job of trying to live each day as my H, not the person who was having the A before this. Thank you!


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
surprisedguy
Member
Member # 28601
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 3rd (Thursday)

That was the one. Thank you very much

Posts: 652 | Registered: May 2010 | From: California
takinit
Member
Member # 27150
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, June 4th (Friday)

This is all I ever wanted him to understand.
Should I copy and paste this to my now ex-husband? I don't want him back, but I need him to understand. We have a child together and we are going to have a relationship for the rest of our life. He did no reconciliation. He just wanted me to get over it. Should I email this to him? Or will it fall on deaf ears.......................

[This message edited by takinit at 1:51 AM, June 4th (Friday)]


That was the past, this is Act II.

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: ND
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, June 4th (Friday)

((( takinit ))) - Should I email this to him? Or will it fall on deaf ears.

Perhaps it will fall on deaf ears or perhaps, it will be that clarion call that pricks the mind and touches the heart. But if you do not send it, then you will always regret not trying that one more time and you don’t need to add to the list of regrets in your life.

There are times in a person’s life, when a single event or action or phrase of word defines that moment. It could be seeing an act of kindness or perhaps it could be reading the words on some paper that becomes the single pivotal event upon which their entire lives change.

You might note that I use quotes to illustrate my posts and if you were to pay attention to those quotes, it should be apparent that one quote in particular is used time after time. It’s not just that it’s catchy or even the most insightful but rather, it’s the one thing said to me in the very first days after my D-day that rang in my soul.

There was a power to that advice that cut through the bullshit and touched the HUFI inside and let me see my true self, if only for a second and that galvanized me. DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD.

Perhaps, this post may be that one thing that your H needs to read. And if it does fall upon deaf ears, then at least it was not your fault at trying.

HUFI

Wisdom from Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. Decide. Choose. Commit. Period.


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3230 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, June 23rd (Wednesday)

A shameless bump for Scared66 so he can gain a better understanding of what is happening in the head and heart of his wife.


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3230 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
starsfadingaway
Member
Member # 28458
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, June 28th (Monday)

Bump for me to re-read and WhyAmILikeThis

I hope it may help you

((Hugs))


Me (33) - WS
Him (33) - BS (Lotsa)
Together 13 years
"What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly" Lao Tsu
I wish for you that butterfly and I hope that I can be the flower you land on....

Posts: 86 | Registered: May 2010
WhyAmILikeThis??
New Member
Member # 28887
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, June 30th (Wednesday)

BUMP for all the newbies like me who needed this advice. This is the BEST I have seen and I have been searching since D-day relentlessly


me WS 33
BH 32
D-day 6-4-10
2 D-day complete honesty 6-13-10

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2010
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, July 3rd (Saturday)

Bump


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 6th (Tuesday)

bump for newbies


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 18th (Sunday)

Bump for new members.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
tryingtofindaway
New Member
Member # 29078
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, July 18th (Sunday)

This is very helpful considering I just found this place today. It's definitely given me alot to think about more importantly helps me to have faith in what I'm feeling.

Posts: 50 | Registered: Jul 2010
RKT429SS
Member
Member # 28883
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 19th (Monday)

BS here, but please don't delete/move.

I just sent this post to my WW. We are in R, 4 months since D-day. She read it and responded back. I'm going to quote her and not leave a thing out. Hopefully it will help both sides relate:

I've read over the entire posting and the comments that were added. I still don't get all the acronyms, but I gather that I need to target being a FWS - not sure what the F stands for though. Much of what was in the text are things you have mentioned to me in one form or another. It was amazingly powerful to have it all written down in one place - I'll try to read over this every day or so, just to remember what you are going thru.

I'm not doing so great with the patience - I want to move on and that's not fair to you and your grieving. I'm trying to forget and focus on the future and you need time to reflect on the past - I need to be better at remembering that. I am truly remorseful - I realize that I had all the 'fun' and you have only gotten gut-wrenching pain and suffering for my actions. I want to make things right between us and I am committed to working it out. I just need to keep remembering that you need time and this isn't something that can be fixed overnight. I struggle with the fact that I had to end things so finally (there really was an end point) and that you can't do that - it will take time for you to come to terms with everything and that won't happen immediately or even any time in the near future.

I truly feel powerless when you have your moments - and I feel especially at those times that you're going to come to the conclusion that all this pain and suffering isn't worth all the effort and that you're going to walk away. It doesn't help that I don't know what to say or do when you are at these low points and that frustrates me to no end. I know that you say you love me, but when I see how much pain I've caused you, I wonder if the love you have for me is enough to get us thru this. And knowing that you don't believe half of what I say, I hesitate to tell you how much I love you and need you, not knowing whether or not you'll believe me when you're so down.

I'm sorry that you feel that I'm yelling at you - its truly my frustration bubbling up. I don't know how to fix things and I get anxious and frustrated. I'm an emotional person and have a tough time keeping those emotions under control when we have our discussions. When I try to keep my emotions under control, I worry that you'll think I don't care. So generally, this is another lose-lose for both of us.

You just need to keep reminding me to be patient and to re-read this posting.

I do love, cherish and need you. You are amazingly forgiving and I'll try to be worthy of your forgiveness. I'm so very sorry for causing you this pain and I will continue to try to be patient as we move forward in our healing. I never want to cause you any pain and I vow to do whatever it takes for you to love and trust me again.

Love, Me

[This message edited by RKT429SS at 11:16 AM, July 19th (Monday)]


Me - BS 38
Her - WS 37
MOM - coworker,with 2 kids, EA&PA approx. 6 mo
Us Married 10 yrs (together 15 yrs)
1 girl, 1 boy
DDay 3.15.2010
Working on R

Posts: 216 | Registered: Jun 2010
Trying2Survive2
Member
Member # 25758
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, July 19th (Monday)

Ditto:
ALl i can say is WOW.
Best Damn post i ever read.

Thank you so much for posting this...


Faithful Wife ME 52
FWH 47
DDAY #1 1/11/09 EA Online ONLY (NC)
DDAY #2 6/2010 Admitted PA with the same PIG(12/08)
"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness"

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: USA
deeppurple
Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, July 19th (Monday)

That is so so powerful - Im crying - i wish my WW would write that to me - I would feel so much better.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
whatdoto
Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 22nd (Thursday)

I printed it out and read it to my WH last night. He thanked me and now I thank YOU.


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, July 29th (Thursday)

Bump


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
let it be me
Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, July 30th (Friday)

bump.... first thing I printed out for my WH and he has read and read and read it... printed out next a few things from the healing library and then downloaded the book (suggested by some on here) 'Infidelity Crisis'....
I believe just giving him the resources and tools WH needs right now as coping mechanisms has truly made the difference in where our M sits as to possible reconciliation... Thanks HUFI for your willingness and courage to share!!!!!!!


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, August 1st (Sunday)

Bump for newbies


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
BrokenRoad
Member
Member # 15334
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 1st (Sunday)


{Him}FBH - 43 (WifeHad5)
{Me} FWW - 43
2 kids 7 & 12
Reconciled :)
Beauty and folly are old companions.--Benjamin Franklin

Posts: 10651 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Midwest
prayformiracle
Member
Member # 22845
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, August 1st (Sunday)

Bump for new members.


Iwantamiracle, you are my everything, I will love you always and forever. Life without your smile, your love is empty and sad.
I will not stop working on me on us, I will not stop caring, will not stop loving you, ever. Faithfuly and commited.

Posts: 412 | Registered: Feb 2009
let it be me
Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, August 2nd (Monday)

bump because i needed to re-read this and still know it is good information....


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
WhatIdo
New Member
Member # 29191
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, August 2nd (Monday)

Thank you for this. We are only one week away for D-day, but I think this will be invaluable as time, healing, and recovery, go forward from here. Thank you.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: USA
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, August 4th (Wednesday)


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
staywithme
Member
Member # 28193
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, August 4th (Wednesday)

I keep copies of this everywhere. I read it all the time - one of the best post on here.


Let the beauty of what you love be what you do - Rumi

DDay: 04/23/2009
FWS


Posts: 229 | Registered: Apr 2010
crushedhim
New Member
Member # 29099
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, August 4th (Wednesday)

I have read this post several times and each time I get something new out of it. Thanks for this post for us WS. We need all the help we can get.

You say to sincerely apoligize. What do you do if you think the words I'm sorry are also a trigger?


WS
BS-crushedjsj

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2010
MessedUpAndDown
Member
Member # 24367
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, August 5th (Thursday)

crushedhim:

If you merely *think* the words "I'm sorry" are a trigger, then ask. Confirm it before either saying it again or omitting it from your vocabulary. If you learn the words are indeed a trigger, try a phrase that means the same thing but with different words, such as "I deeply regret..." or "I want to again apologize..."

If you are truly intent on finding safe words to express your remorse, you might say to your spouse, "I know the words 'I'm sorry' cause you to trigger and I want to do my utmost to prevent that. What phrase can I use to make you feel better instead of worse?"

This way you are expressing remorse and simultaneously acting sensitively to your BS's specific need. It's also a good way to resolve the issue together, making it a win-win.

Good luck!


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: 16 years
DDay: 12-12-08 ~ S: 8-1-10
"If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then give up. There's no sense in being a damn fool about it." - W.C. Fields

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2009
hurtmyspouse
New Member
Member # 29120
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, August 8th (Sunday)

What an amazing post. WH here and after reading this post, it sounds very much like every emotion my wife has felt (many times). I have already been following many of the suggestions, prior to reading this post. Unless a person has felt the hurt, betrayal and pain from ANY infidelity they can't begin to understand the continuous nightmare that their spouse is living. I am very grateful and blessed to have my wife by my side and will do everything possible to help her during OUR recovery. We have cried together many times and we are both committed to living our lives together. Both the BS and the WS NEED to read this post. Thanks again.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Indiana
let it be me
Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 11th (Wednesday)

Just read some new members cries in jfo ....

Told him about this and how much it served both myself and my WH in the first few days...

Bump'n it for the newbie...


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
wahoo8895
Member
Member # 29244
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, August 11th (Wednesday)

BH here

Do you think that 5 1/2 months after the A ended is too late to show this article to my WW? She's apologized and shown remorse but I sometimes think she is at the can't-we-move-on stage, and I'm sometimes not sure she totally understands my pain (I'm working with my IC to learn to express my feelings better).

Thanks.


Me - BH (47)
Her - FWW (46)
Married 17 years
Together 19 years
3 kids
DDay #1 - 12/8/09 (EA)
DDay #2 - 12/18/09 (PA)
A ended - 2/21/10
R'ed - 2/19/11

Posts: 542 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Metro DC
strongish
Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, August 11th (Wednesday)

I'm fairly new to this (6 weeks since DDay) but when I found this post I sent my WH the link. He didn't read it for several days...really bad days....but he came home from his last IC session and was acting completely different....remorseful, reassuring me over and over that he would do whatever it took to reassure me. This morning we talked about how to handle it if the OW tries to contact him again and we agreed that if she did that I would respond. I though he would balk at that but he completely agreed with me that we needed to us v. OW. I asked him what the C said to him that "cleared the fog" and he said it wasn't so much the C as the link that I had sent him with the original post in this thread. Thank you to whoever wrote it! I really got through to my WH!

[This message edited by strongish at 10:02 PM, August 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
survivor girl
Member
Member # 21552
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, August 12th (Thursday)

Do you think that 5 1/2 months after the A ended is too late to show this article to my WW?

It's never too late as long as there's a shred of hope for R.......


FWW

SAB survivor

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt." --Shakespeare

"Just DO it" ---Nike

D-Day March 2006


Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2008
RKT429SS
Member
Member # 28883
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, August 12th (Thursday)

Do you think that 5 1/2 months after the A ended is too late to show this article to my WW? She's apologized and shown remorse but I sometimes think she is at the can't-we-move-on stage...

Greg, just look at page 5 with the response my wife gave me after sharing with her this thread. We were 4 months out then. Hopefully you will get the same positive, remorseful response from your wife as I did.

gl


Me - BS 38
Her - WS 37
MOM - coworker,with 2 kids, EA&PA approx. 6 mo
Us Married 10 yrs (together 15 yrs)
1 girl, 1 boy
DDay 3.15.2010
Working on R

Posts: 216 | Registered: Jun 2010
Maxiom
Member
Member # 26001
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, August 12th (Thursday)

The "I'm sorry" isn't so odd a trigger I think.

I can trigger with a hug, though these days its far less frequent.


Me: FBS/WS 41
Her FWS/BS 41
My DDay - March 10, 2007 Whole Truth - May 2007
Her DDay - March 2, 2011
True NC March 3, 2011

Posts: 458 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Canada
lostjem
New Member
Member # 29260
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, August 13th (Friday)

I just sent this to my WS and she broke down and said sorry to me at least 20 times over the phone. Perhaps she now gets it. Perhaps not.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Aug 2010
Trying2Survive2
Member
Member # 25758
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, August 14th (Saturday)

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

Amen to that..


Faithful Wife ME 52
FWH 47
DDAY #1 1/11/09 EA Online ONLY (NC)
DDAY #2 6/2010 Admitted PA with the same PIG(12/08)
"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness"

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: USA
Lost68
Member
Member # 27515
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, August 23rd (Monday)

Bump

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Sevilla
obrian
Member
Member # 28871
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 27th (Friday)

Holy sh*t. What a valuable post. Good for anyone at any stage of this nightmare. Props to HUFI and original author. Thanks.


Me (BS): 38
Her: 37
Married almost 12 yrs (together about 19)
Kids: 5, 7
Dday: 6/22/10

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jun 2010
Kiki212
Member
Member # 24434
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, September 2nd (Thursday)

bump... i am printing this out for my WH.


BW & STBXWH-both Mid 30's
No kids together, he has preteen D(visitation-no custody)
Multiple DDays- at least to me (see profile for the story)
Separating & Divorcing.

Posts: 398 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: half past the point of no return
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, September 10th (Friday)

Bump cuz my H needs to read this as a refresher course.


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
Textbook Case
Member
Member # 24977
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, September 16th (Thursday)

bump


BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)
Reconciling...

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Jul 2009
obrian
Member
Member # 28871
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, September 20th (Monday)

My wife talked with my MIL a couple of weeks ago when she told them we weren't going to her brother's house for Labor Day. it would have been a big trigger for me, as what led to my discovery of my wife's A were txts she sent while we were there the last time.

Her mom was like, "is he still holding a grudge over this? If he's decided to stay with you, he should just get over it." Whatever. Was extremely steamed about that... and will be for a loooong time. My wife sent her this post to show her what I'm going through. It went unanswered but it remains the best description of any BS's plight - bar none. Required reading for any WS or BS.


Me (BS): 38
Her: 37
Married almost 12 yrs (together about 19)
Kids: 5, 7
Dday: 6/22/10

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jun 2010
MessedUpAndDown
Member
Member # 24367
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday)

obrian,

My first impression is that your MIL must be an LBD (Living Brain Donor). But only we who have experienced this first-hand know how it feels, and when we're in the throes of it, even we don't know how long it will last, let alone "should." Because there simply is no "should."

Nonetheless, your MIL's comment likely stems from ignorance, and a healthy dose of trying to "help" her daughter. Perhaps your W can advise her mom to remain silent rather than risk doing more damage to an already strained relationship.

I commend your WW for sending the post to her mother. That is one of those "actions" that signals R is very possible.

Good luck...

PS: There's an old joke that just might bring you a smile... (That's the intent.)

Q: What's the penalty for bigamy?

A: Two mothers-in-law.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: 16 years
DDay: 12-12-08 ~ S: 8-1-10
"If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then give up. There's no sense in being a damn fool about it." - W.C. Fields

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2009
knutz
Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, October 6th (Wednesday)

Bumping for newbies


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 218 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
1985
Member
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, October 27th (Wednesday)

bump


Me-BH 63
Her-fWW 63
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
DDay June, 1985
DDay June 1985
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 4 grandkids

Posts: 591 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
obrian
Member
Member # 28871
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, October 31st (Sunday)

Required reading for new SIers...and worth a reread for veterans too.


Me (BS): 38
Her: 37
Married almost 12 yrs (together about 19)
Kids: 5, 7
Dday: 6/22/10

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jun 2010
mumma
Member
Member # 29657
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday)

I just read this for the 4th time in as many months. It is so helpful. Helps me keep things in perspective, keeps me realistic, and reminds me about what I Need to be doing. Thanks for posting it!


Me: FWW (37)
BH: 37
2 little boys (4 & 6)
Married 11 years
6-wk. A over text & IM with two physical encounters (kissing) in last 3 wks.
I have caused unimaginable pain. I will work everyday to repair it.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Sep 2010
worriedNow
Member
Member # 29320
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, November 10th (Wednesday)

Bump

Posts: 351 | Registered: Aug 2010
1985
Member
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, November 12th (Friday)

bump again


Me-BH 63
Her-fWW 63
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
DDay June, 1985
DDay June 1985
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 4 grandkids

Posts: 591 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
kitkat22
Member
Member # 29877
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, November 15th (Monday)

a profound thank you. I have just copied this for my FWH who is looking for direction on how to handle my mood swings...this will help. I love it.


Vanity Working on a Weak Mind Produces Every Kind of Mischief...Jane Austin

D-Day - September 3, 2010, 5:30 am
Currently in reconciliation and happy.

Married 22 years, together 23


Posts: 416 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
TMqueen
Member
Member # 30043
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, November 16th (Tuesday)

I tried all of this and my BFF told me he just can't forgive me ever :(


Dday 11-4 TT until 12-6 - It's all out there.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Nov 2010
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, November 16th (Tuesday)

TMqueen - I tried all of this and my BFF told me he just can't forgive me ever :(

There are many sad things that occur in the aftermath of an affair. Broken dreams, shattered lives, a loss of trust and faith between husband and wife. But in hindsight, it was all preventable. These are not acts of God that are capricious and random. No, these are the direct result of our actions and so, there is a matter of blame and responsibility attached to the consequences and that hurts.

Floridaredman - We all must suffer the consequence of infidelity, those of us who chose to stray.

I feel for you but as often said here on SI, the BS is the one that ultimately makes the choice, quite often unilaterally, on whether or not a second chance is granted. For some, infidelity is a deal breaker and no amount of wishing and praying can change that.

You need to continue with your healing for yourself, for possible future relationships regardless of what is happening in this relationship. Sometimes the pain and hurt is too great. Sometimes we can’t wave a magic wand and heal the broken heart. Sometimes, affairs kill relationships.

HUFI

It is what it is, it's not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is - LF


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3230 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
WhatHaveIDone??
Member
Member # 30054
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, November 25th (Thursday)

Bump.

As always, thank you HUFI!


Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2010
lulykr
Member
Member # 29697
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 30th (Tuesday)

I showed this to my husband. Without expectations. He'll either get something from it or he won't.
It sure helped me though!
Thanks for this.

Posts: 589 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Gainesville FL
1985
Member
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, December 6th (Monday)

bump


Me-BH 63
Her-fWW 63
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
DDay June, 1985
DDay June 1985
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 4 grandkids

Posts: 591 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, December 8th (Wednesday)

I wish I had found this earlier. Great advice.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
diminishingpain7
Member
Member # 20072
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, December 9th (Thursday)

A BIG HUGE THANK YOU!!!!!! My FWS and I have been really struggling for some time because I am stuck, in the waiting/Self Control/Injustice/Inadequate/bitterness/idealizing phases. He keeps asking what he can do and at times I can think of things that I think would make me feel better, but then he does it and I still feel so empty. I have sent the link to him and I hope that it helps to give him some insight and ideas on what he is able to do in order to help me move forward. I so desperately want to move forward, but I feel so frozen in fear. I physically have a hard time getting myself off the couch some days and I want to remember what it's like to really laugh again.


Me~BW 32
Him~WH 35 OW#1 PA (no intercourse) OW#2 EA 6 mos
D-day 4/16/08
In recovery

Best post EVER ---> http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&AP=1&HL=


Posts: 240 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: not sure where I am...
WhatHaveIDone??
Member
Member # 30054
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, December 13th (Monday)

Bump for nohonor.

Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2010
fivemonths
Member
Member # 29331
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, December 14th (Tuesday)

Why have I only just read this?!!!!!!
I need to spend more time on here browsing.
What a brilliant read


Me-FWS
Her-FBS
A 3/2010-7/2010
R 7/2010 to date


You are my world, you always were


Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: England
Textbook Case
Member
Member # 24977
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, December 28th (Tuesday)

bumping for a newbie


BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)
Reconciling...

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Jul 2009
Compost Heap
Member
Member # 30558
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, December 31st (Friday)

This is gold and seems to hit on the truth for many BS's. The BS responses are a testament to that, so thank you HUFI-PUFI.

I have printed up two copies, one for me (WS) and one for BS. Maybe we can discuss it at some point after I reveal the PA in MC in a few days.

I cry and am so sad for my BS when I read this but I am also so grateful to have this road map for R, should I be granted the chance. It gives me an idea of the kinds of things I can actually DO proactively to help my introverted BS heal and maybe R for us. We'll see where the chips fall.

Thank you for this guide and for everyone who posts on SI. I have a lot of work to do for my BS and on my (rotten) self, but at least I have the beginnings of a road map, ideas on what to work on and read. There is a long, tough journey ahead.


Out of this rotting, stinking heap of garbage will hopefully someday arise a rich fertilizer for love, compassion, mindfulness and wisdom.

Posts: 147 | Registered: Dec 2010
NotBreakin
Member
Member # 7631
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, December 31st (Friday)

Excellent post...

Reading it from the vantage point of several years past d-day and early recovery, my thought were...

YES, the description of the BS was me to a "T" in the days and months after the A...The best part of reading this post was realizing that it is NOT at all me anymore...All of that has healed and faded into history. I have regained all the parts of me that were so shattered in the wake of the A.

Also, YES, H (the FWS) did everything suggested in the post (not perfectly all the time)and it still all worked...We are still together, more mature, and most importantly, HEALED....


D-Day - Spring 2004
Healed! It does happen!

Posts: 3002 | Registered: Jul 2005
Mrs.Confused
Member
Member # 30485
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, January 1st (Saturday)

Thank you for sharing, reading your post is helping me to think more clearly about my situation.


It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. ~ Rose Kennedy ~

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: USA
MLCSucks
Member
Member # 29690
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, January 2nd (Sunday)

Great post. Thank you Hufi-Pufi.

So, what advice do you have for us BS that had a false R? I, myself, am moving on. No second chances here. I don't think it's possible for this person to be faithful anymore. :( What do you think?

[This message edited by MLCSucks at 3:07 AM, January 2nd (Sunday)]


Me 42
WH 47
Married 22 years
4 children (19, 17, 11, 9)
Found Out 8/3/10
16 mos+ EA (long distance) with a few PA's
TT (false R) 12/17/10 we are now headed for divorce. No more reconciling, no more counseling.
They met for lunch in 1993??

Posts: 161 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: California
Lost68
Member
Member # 27515
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, January 2nd (Sunday)

Bump

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Sevilla
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, January 10th (Monday)


Posts: 6534 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
poopylala
Member
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, January 10th (Monday)

I sent this to WBF today and I hope now he will understand that everything I've been saying or have asked for is not unreasonable. I hope he can come out of the fog- he seems to have started but I wish so badly to just pull him completely out! We started MC today and things went okay and then at the end, I confronted him about his TT. I haven't decided if I want to stay to work towards R because he's STILL in the fog and didn't admit the truth on his own but at the same time I love him and I think if it wasn't for this damn fog we could be moving towards R much quicker... Anyways Thank you for bumping this- I meant to send it sooner but lost the page.


BGF (me)- 25
FWBF (him)- 24
Was in a LTR but it's complicated now

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,
divine"


Posts: 960 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, January 11th (Tuesday)

Bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, January 13th (Thursday)

This IS also what a BS needs to know....that this rollercoaster ride of emotions and strange behavior in formerly rational person is normal...that a 50 pound weiht loss, the inability to think, sleep and function...is a common reaction to the situation. After 15 months in the BS role and almost a year of IC counseling, I think it is time for my H to see his own IC...I think we need MC or better communication to move on...I see his pain and his work to make US survive, but to expect him to help me when I am having a bad day is out of the question b/c it always rolls around to how this makes him feel and how he is trying to survive this....I don't know how to tell him that the reason I can't entirely trust is b/c I don't know what has changed...what is different...since he had an A with her 20 years ago and again 20 months ago...how can I be sure he won't do this again...how can I know this...he says trust is up to me...I can make myself trust him...I need answers to questions I can't ask him b/c they hurt him too much.

Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
iamsurviving
Member
Member # 23478
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, January 13th (Thursday)

Thank U so much for this post - 40+ years married and 3 years into R and I'm still struggling - I have printed and will read thorughly and give to my WS. Thank u again for this - hope it helps us to R faster. Very painful time. God bless all here.


Me: BS (61)
Him: WH (64
Married: 41 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2009
KickedintheGut
Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, January 14th (Friday)

Bump


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
tsol25
Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, January 26th (Wednesday)

Bump because I had troubles finding it


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
southsidecali
Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, January 30th (Sunday)

wanna keep this in my to read often.

I am assuming this is for WS that want reconciliation right?

Does this help the Ws that doesn't want reconciliation but is willing to help with the healing?

[This message edited by southsidecali at 11:24 PM, January 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 787 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
DawGxl
New Member
Member # 31050
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, January 31st (Monday)

I am a betrayed husband and I was shocked at how accurate everything in this post is. Everything I have been thinking, feeling... its all here and I finally know that I'm not crazy. I sent this to my WS wife and I hope it helps her understand what I am going through. Thank you Hufi.


Me: BH: 34
Her: WS: 31
Together: 13 years total
Married: 7 years
D Day: 1/18/11
Kids: 10, 5, 4, 2

I am desperate for help. I don't know how long I'm going to make it.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2011
2crazykids
Member
Member # 30515
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, January 31st (Monday)

this is so true and describes everything im feeling now


If you marry a man who cheats on his wife,
you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife.All you are is mean
And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life

Posts: 931 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: missouri
tryingtosmile
Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, January 31st (Monday)

Thank you! My WH just read this.


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
WhatHaveIDone??
Member
Member # 30054
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday)

Bump for Lostguy.

Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2010
stilllovingher
Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday)

This thread has helped change my FWW.
it was the beginning of her understanding.
Thank you.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2405 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
WhiistleSt0p
Member
Member # 29762
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, February 7th (Monday)

BUMP... this has been helpful to me understanding my past.. and is helping my WH now. Thank you!


I wish you peace, and calm moments, a perfect flower bloom or ray of sunshine. Allow pieces of joy to warm you on the inside, and put one foot in front of the other.

Me: BS 53/FWW 2001- in my prev M
Him: WH 65
OW: 64 (Phone calls for high sch


Posts: 1782 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: OKC
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, February 8th (Tuesday)

bump


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
HopingNPraying
Member
Member # 28030
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, February 15th (Tuesday)

bump


BS 50, FWW/SLA 44 (me), M 18 yrs,
DD 15
DDay#1 1/2/10: ONS #1 ('95) & EA (7/'09 - 1/'10); DDay#2 1/7/10: ONS #3 (2001); DDay#3 3/15/10: ONS #2 (1998); DDay#4 4/19/10: ONS while dating (1991); more DDays: EA while M & ONSs while dating

Posts: 105 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Virginia
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, February 17th (Thursday)

Bumpidy bump bump bump.....

One of the best things I ever read. Literally has helped change OUR lives for the better!


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, February 18th (Friday)

Wow. That's all I can say, just Wow.


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, February 18th (Friday)

Another big THANK YOU! My wife of 40+ years told me 8 weeks ago that she had been having sex with a woman she worked with for the past 4 months.

I thought I was handling my feelings well, but the last 3 weeks have gotten more and more painful, and I've become more and more hopeless.

We want to reconcile, but I'm not about to stay if it means I'll be feeling worse and worse as time goes on.

This topic has given me enough insight into my own condition to keep going - especially since my wife is doing what is suggested.

Sisoon


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9990 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
2crazykids
Member
Member # 30515
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, February 18th (Friday)

is there a thread for a wh who has no remorse for what he did


If you marry a man who cheats on his wife,
you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife.All you are is mean
And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life

Posts: 931 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: missouri
miraclewithwife
Member
Member # 29016
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, February 18th (Friday)

WS chiming in…and amazed to be one of the 160th-something-odd replies to this post. HUFI clearly got a great message out to people hungry for healing. Thanks HUFI and all who had to do with boomeranging this information around again.

This is the first I've read Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse (UYBS) and I'll use this as one of the tools every WS needs in order to be a positive influence in the BS's recovery, as stated in UYBS. But I have some clarifications to make between my BS and me before attempting to implement all of the specific topics into our relationship. Maybe I could bounce this off a few of the vet's out there like HUFI...

Section 2: what else can you do to ease their pain and relieve their stress:

Spend lots more time with them
That may be great advice for some relationships, but I'm not sure its the best advice for others like my BS and me.

There have been times when I know I've spent too much time at her place because sometimes she'll trigger on certain things. Not all the time-sometimes...whether its on tv or a mind movie that came out of nowhere...there are definitely times that I know I've overstayed my welcome. And my BS and I agreed that we do miss one another when we don't see one another for even a short while. That's good news to people like me who want nothing more in their lives than to R with their BS's.

This topic is simply one instance that I have in question, but the ultimate decider is obviously my BS. I'm going to send this to her tonight and ask her to read it when she's up to doing so (I imagine that this is even more of a difficult read for any BS). And I'm going to ask her to edit and make any corrections necessary, in order for me to become a stronger, more positive influence in her recovery than I was two days before, and even yesterday--because I think that the true hope for many of the WS's out there, and specifically on SI, is for a FULL R with their BS's. And learning how to do so with the help of an IC is at the top of the toolbox where they should be.

I've learned a lot since my A, D-Day and after dumping the last of the F-ing trickle truth that plagued my hurting W for the last year. I hate that I've caused her pain. And I'm dedicated to becoming the best person I can be, and help her through all of her grieve, for however long she needs to grieve.

sorry about the tangent...
anyway, long story longer, for certain topics, it may be best for some WS's to request that their BS's read these messages and graciously provide feedback where they feel appropriate; where it makes the most sense for the strongest, most positive connection/relationship possible given the individual circumstances.

Anyone agree or disagree?


Me: xWH 34, She: xBW 39
D 2 1/2 born 3/2009, OC born 10/2009
D-day 12/2009, D final 5/11

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.
~Jean Kerr, Mary


Posts: 168 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: mid-atlantic
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, February 20th (Sunday)

If my WS gave this to me to read I would have fallen over backwards bump.

Posts: 6534 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
angryBS
Member
Member # 31156
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, February 22nd (Tuesday)

This has made my WH change his attitude. WOW. There is now a glimmer of hope where there was none.

BUMP! All WS should read this.

BS- I recommend emailing this to your WS. Where my WS could not hear my words, he 'got it' from this. It can a M saver!


Me BW 37
WH 37
Relationship of 20yrs.
Married for 13 yrs.
2 beautiful kids, 5 & 8.
TT for past 3 yrs.
Latest Dday 20 Jan 2011.

Posts: 145 | Registered: Feb 2011
sunningdalelad
Member
Member # 30823
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, February 22nd (Tuesday)

Because I feel that my WW doesn't know half of how I feel I have printed a copy and will ask her to read it. Hopefully the enormity of the damage caused will finally dawn on her and get her out of the lingering fog.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: England
angryBS
Member
Member # 31156
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, February 22nd (Tuesday)

(((sunningdalelad))) It's worth a try. Good luck.


Me BW 37
WH 37
Relationship of 20yrs.
Married for 13 yrs.
2 beautiful kids, 5 & 8.
TT for past 3 yrs.
Latest Dday 20 Jan 2011.

Posts: 145 | Registered: Feb 2011
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, February 23rd (Wednesday)

Bumped again for the newbies & for the reminder when us WS get too "comfortable"!


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
WhatHaveIDone??
Member
Member # 30054
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday)

Just re-read this again...I don't think I will ever be able to read this enough. Every time I do, a different part resonates with me.

Thank you HUFI for posting and thank you to all for continuing to bump this.


Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2010
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, February 25th (Friday)

I really hope they will put this one in the Library. Bump


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, February 28th (Monday)

Bump. Bump. Bump.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday)


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
healingmyself
Member
Member # 19481
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, March 3rd (Thursday)

bump


BS 40+
FWH 40+
LTA 7+
M 15 years
D-Day Jan 08
one beautiful gorgeous 10yr son
trying real hard to R!!!

I was so busy preparing for the tornado, that I didn't see it coming!!


Posts: 1099 | Registered: May 2008
Canteatorsleep
New Member
Member # 31205
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, March 3rd (Thursday)

Great post! I am going to print it out and give to my WH and hopes he reads it.

Thanks


DD: 2/12/11
Me (BS): 31
Him (WS): 32
Together: 13 years
Married: 3 1/2 years

Posts: 21 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Hell
ICarly
New Member
Member # 31415
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, March 5th (Saturday)

Wow! This makes me sad that I've caused some or all of these emotions to someone.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, March 10th (Thursday)


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, March 15th (Tuesday)

Bump for the newbies and lurkers...


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, March 22nd (Tuesday)


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
Textbook Case
Member
Member # 24977
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, March 31st (Thursday)

bump


BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)
Reconciling...

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Jul 2009
plzwakeme
Member
Member # 30645
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, April 6th (Wednesday)

I shared this post with my WH the day he finally admitted to two more PA's. He told me that reading this is what motivated him to finally tell me the whole truth.

I see him now truly taking these words to heart, so thank you for them. I've been having a hard time of it since DDay 3, but just now when I re-read all of this and realized how much of it WH is doing, I finally felt a moment of hope.

Thank you!


Me BW 37, Him STBXH 38
Married 13 years, hoping to NOT make it to 14
DDay 1 10/21/10
4 MOW & many ONS attempts
Heading towards S/D NOT SOON ENOUGH!
"What the caterpillar calls the end, a butterfly calls the beginning." ~ Lao Tzu

Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2011
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, April 12th (Tuesday)

Go to the front of the bus.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
outmymind
Member
Member # 31673
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, April 12th (Tuesday)

Finally a way to express! Thanks very much


ME-BS42 WS-37 last DDay 11/1/10

Posts: 189 | Registered: Mar 2011
miraclewithwife
Member
Member # 29016
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, April 13th (Wednesday)

and worth reposting over and over again. much appreciated.


Me: xWH 34, She: xBW 39
D 2 1/2 born 3/2009, OC born 10/2009
D-day 12/2009, D final 5/11

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.
~Jean Kerr, Mary


Posts: 168 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: mid-atlantic
hurtbutmending
Member
Member # 31655
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, April 18th (Monday)

I think it should be included in the Healing Library.

It explains so much about how a BS feels and what BS needs from WS.


BS(me)
FWH(him)
MOW insignificant
married 25 years
2 grown children
DDay Oct 4 2009
R - trying


Trusted too much!


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Finding myself again
crushed101
Member
Member # 27860
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 19th (Tuesday)

Bump!

Also, BS here. Great article. I gave this to my WBF over a year ago. He finally read it last night. He commented that it was interesting and wanted to read it again. At this point it really doesn't matter if we make it or not,I just feel a huge relief that he will hopefully understand what this has done to me.


Posts: 94 | Registered: Mar 2010
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, April 22nd (Friday)

Bumpin again


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
No_Einstein
New Member
Member # 31972
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)

My BS sent this to me... sometimes the hints are not so subtle!!

This has really helped me understand and to do the right things occasionally...

Thanks!


Me FWS 43
Her BW 41
DD Feb 17/11 - TT for 2-3 months more.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Canada
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)

Bumped for Keepondoingit


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
takilasunrise
Member
Member # 29786
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, April 26th (Tuesday)

Marking so I can find this later....in case I get to share it with a certain person ever.


BW - Me, 49 years old
WH - Him, 51 years old)
D-Day July 2010 (several D-days to follow)
Divorced February 7, 2012

Denial isn't the way to forgiveness. The Karma for screwing over a good girl is the Bitch you end up with.


Posts: 978 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: WI
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, May 2nd (Monday)

Bumped for Confused2Be.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
TammyLynn70
Member
Member # 28470
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, May 5th (Thursday)

Bump

Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2010
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, May 8th (Sunday)

Bumped for Tragicmess


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
Weak
New Member
Member # 32119
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, May 11th (Wednesday)

My husband asked me to read this in the early days after D Day. It was very hard to read because some of it I didn't believe and some of it I thought I wouldn't be able to do. I was in the 'fog' trying to recover from the addiction of the AP.
Now, 6 months on from D Day 1, and 2 days on from the last of the lies coming out (which have put us back to what feels like another D Day) reading it again for the 3rd time, it all makes sense. I can understand it and I want to try my best to do it all too. This is such a good post. I'm going to print it off and keep reading it.
Thank you.

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2011 | From: England
wishingandhoping
Member
Member # 32064
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 11th (Wednesday)

Thanks again. Hard to read and face up to but so important.

Posts: 222 | Registered: May 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, May 14th (Saturday)

Bumping for HopeandFear1!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
HopeandFear1
New Member
Member # 30716
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, May 17th (Tuesday)

Thank you, SisterMilkshake! This article opened my WH's eyes. He was angry when he first read it, but by the next day he seemed to have finally understood... 3 days of genuine remorse feels like heaven after 8 months of hell. Wish us luck.


Me - BW age 59; Him - WH age 63
Married 42 years
WH saw prostitutes for the past two years
D-day - Oct 2, 2010
Working on R with a bit of success

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2011
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, May 26th (Thursday)

Bumpin again for the newbies and as a reminder to all of us as well!


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, June 10th (Friday)


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Shattered-Heart
Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, June 11th (Saturday)

Thank you.


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 180 | Registered: May 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, June 22nd (Wednesday)


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
evolutionwithin
New Member
Member # 32572
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, July 10th (Sunday)

bump


Me: 25yrs old WS
Her : 21yrs old BS
D-Day: 10/24/2010
EA:?
PA:6
One toddler and another baby on the way.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: evolutionwithin
wifeno2
Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, July 11th (Monday)

Awe, I love all the bumps. Wish I could....he doesn't look at SI. (So I emailed him ha ha ha!) He can't get away that easy!


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
stilllovemywife
Member
Member # 32910
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 29th (Friday)

What an amazing post. Spot on. I don't think I could express how I feel any better than what you have here. These are exactly the things I need. I am printing this to give to WW. I hope she reads it, gets it, and uses it.

Truly amazing. Thank you.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: United States
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, August 1st (Monday)

BUMP!!!


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
andywalks
New Member
Member # 32897
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, August 1st (Monday)

Oh do I need to reread this and be reminded. Thanks. Its so hard to listen! I'm so drained.


Me WS 45
Him BS 45
Married 24 years
D-Day 21 May 2011
3 sons 11, 17, 18

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: southeast us
Offhispedestal
Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 3rd (Wednesday)

This is EXACTLY how I feel. I wish I could get by H to read this.We are in R but there is more than 1 DD. So the NC has been NC as far as I know. I think it may take me longer to heal because there are still things that I know that he has not brought up on his own. Me bringing it up will only cause an argument and Im tired of arguing. Its only been 1 month since NC(emails,text) its been longer NC ,H has not been with her physically in months. Maybe one day he will read this. HE HATES TO READ.


ME-44
WH-45
Married 24


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 631 | Registered: Jun 2011
MrsSprky99
Member
Member # 32895
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, August 3rd (Wednesday)

Absolutely amazing post...and a must see for any WS. Speaks volumes when sometimes us BS can't! THANK YOU!!!!


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 53
Married - 14 years
3 Children - 25, 24 from first relationship & 10 y/o with WH
D-Day: June 11, 2011

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Northern IL
Mommy23
New Member
Member # 32646
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, August 10th (Wednesday)

This is the best and most accurate description of exactly what I, BS, have been feeling!! I emailed it to my WS and he is reading it as I sit here. It is PERFECT and I think many would agree.
Once a WS reads this, they cannot claim they do not know what to do to help heal the pain they have created.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Los angeles
Textbook Case
Member
Member # 24977
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, August 22nd (Monday)

bump


BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)
Reconciling...

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Jul 2009
bestbecameworst
Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, August 23rd (Tuesday)

What do you do when you give this link to your WS and they don't read it, it's too long, then you never hear back...

[This message edited by bestbecameworst at 5:49 PM, August 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 595 | Registered: Mar 2011
RKT429SS
Member
Member # 28883
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, August 24th (Wednesday)

What do you do when you give this link to your WS and they don't read it, it's too long, then you never hear back...

You 180. Big time!


Me - BS 38
Her - WS 37
MOM - coworker,with 2 kids, EA&PA approx. 6 mo
Us Married 10 yrs (together 15 yrs)
1 girl, 1 boy
DDay 3.15.2010
Working on R

Posts: 216 | Registered: Jun 2010
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, August 25th (Thursday)

HUFI-PUFI:

Thank you for you post. It has helped my FWS understand where I was at and believe me without this we would not have celebrated our 20th Anniversary or be looking forward to a future together.

Thank you again


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
betrayer47
Member
Member # 28957
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, August 26th (Friday)

Bump for HUFI


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: MN
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, September 13th (Tuesday)


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
starstruck
Member
Member # 29547
Exclaimation  Posted: 5:13 AM, September 16th (Friday)


DDay 7/29/2010
Am hoping to reconcile!! Am I crazy or what?
If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves-Thomas Edison

Posts: 323 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Pa
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, September 26th (Monday)

bump. And thanks, OP.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1466 | Registered: Jun 2011
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, October 2nd (Sunday)

Bump


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
lostandloster
New Member
Member # 33498
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, October 3rd (Monday)

I am a new BS who just had his own DD about a week ago.

I want you to know that that post is the most beautiful thing that I've read and I so wish my WW would do these things.

I hurt so bad, that post made me cry terribly.

I pray that many WS read this, learn and understand.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: sacramento
Birima
Member
Member # 33519
Default  Posted: 4:15 AM, October 4th (Tuesday)

Dear all,

Thank you for posting this important first aid kid that should be of use the rest of our live.


Me WH
She BW
Married for 7 YRS
D-Day 09/16/11
OC born December 4th 2011
No R yet

Posts: 104 | Registered: Oct 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, October 11th (Tuesday)

bump


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
CF1111
Member
Member # 33577
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, October 13th (Thursday)

Read this today and think it's awesome. Hit the nail on the head with everything I'm going through. Emailed it to my WW, but she's too tired to read it tonight she says. Ugh! Hoping for a 180 tomorrow when she reads it. Thanks for posting.


Me BS
Her WW
OM neighbor
Married 8 yrs
Kids (2)
D-Day 01/2011
Trying to R, failing lately

Posts: 83 | Registered: Oct 2011
Sandcrab
Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 18th (Tuesday)


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
lostsuol
Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, November 6th (Sunday)

Wish my WS would read and take this to heart...

Posts: 811 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
LivingOn
Member
Member # 31841
Flame  Posted: 9:48 AM, November 7th (Monday)

Great post!

Sandcrab - where did you get this quote?

"Uni: "The hurt the BS feels is in proportion to how much they love the WS & valued the marriage"

It's great!


Me - BS 40
Her - FWS 42
2 beautiful little girls, 5 & 7.
M - 18 years.
OM - strangers on Craigslist - met many, kissed 5, EA with 1, PA with 2.
D-Day - 6-23-10. TT - 4-??-2011
Working on R.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Dallas
SLDH
Member
Member # 33818
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, November 7th (Monday)

BS here just bawling my eyes out reading this. I wish my WH knew this information. Will print out and ask him to read. It would be of huge help to me if he did and he tried some of these things.


Me - BS, 43
Him - WS, 61
Grown children, each all from previous marriages
D-day Oct, 11 2011

Posts: 62 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Hurt in neverland
Feelthrownaway
Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, November 7th (Monday)

Thank you Hufi-Pufi from the bottom of my heart. My husband said he understood how I felt but he really didn't until he read this. He rarely ever cries but he did after reading your post. Thank you, thank you for helping me show him what it is really like to be me (hugs)


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 22 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 979 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
Feelthrownaway
Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, November 7th (Monday)

Thank you Hufi-Pufi from the bottom of my heart. My husband said he understood how I felt but he really didn't until he read this. He rarely ever cries but he did after reading your post. Thank you, thank you for helping me show him what it is really like to be me (hugs)


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 22 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 979 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
del311
Member
Member # 33840
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, November 8th (Tuesday)

everything this post stated related to me!! printing so my ww can read...thankyou


BS(me)..39
WS(her)..38
OM(boy)..22(WTF)
Married..18y
2 children..18 & 5
DDay 3/3/11 "EA only"
DDay 3/7/11 "yup PA"
Grasping for R...fingers.cramped.losing.grip...

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: san diego
del311
Member
Member # 33840
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, November 9th (Wednesday)

Just had to say I read it again and u hit every nail on the head!!


BS(me)..39
WS(her)..38
OM(boy)..22(WTF)
Married..18y
2 children..18 & 5
DDay 3/3/11 "EA only"
DDay 3/7/11 "yup PA"
Grasping for R...fingers.cramped.losing.grip...

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: san diego
CF1111
Member
Member # 33577
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, November 9th (Wednesday)

Sent this to my IC/MC. She was blown away about it and plans on sharing with other clients. It's a great resource and I wish I found it earlier to my D Day.


Me BS
Her WW
OM neighbor
Married 8 yrs
Kids (2)
D-Day 01/2011
Trying to R, failing lately

Posts: 83 | Registered: Oct 2011
Tiger
Member
Member # 33681
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, November 11th (Friday)

Bump


Me BW
Him WH
Two kids
Dday sept 28 2011
Together since 2000, married 2005
On our way to ??

Posts: 72 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Florida
ShallLoveHer
Member
Member # 33811
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, November 21st (Monday)

Bump.

This should be added to the Healing Library...


Me: BH, 43yo
Her: WW, 40yo
Married 16y w/ 3 kids
D-Day #1 Aug 12,2011 D-Day #2 Oct 30, 2011
Currently in the crucible.

John 3:17 - For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Michigan
Mongo
New Member
Member # 33945
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, November 27th (Sunday)

My wife asked me to read this so I thought I'd bring it to the top of the page for anyone who's missed it.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2011
RKT429SS
Member
Member # 28883
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, December 5th (Monday)

Bumpage


Me - BS 38
Her - WS 37
MOM - coworker,with 2 kids, EA&PA approx. 6 mo
Us Married 10 yrs (together 15 yrs)
1 girl, 1 boy
DDay 3.15.2010
Working on R

Posts: 216 | Registered: Jun 2010
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, December 12th (Monday)

bumpidy bump bump. Bump. Bump.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
fadingmemories
Member
Member # 20531
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, December 18th (Sunday)

Thank you so much... You are so on target. We have gone through all of this. It has made me realize my FWH has taken all of these steps and I am happy to say that after a 12 year LTA we are going to make it. Life is better than ever and I am happy to say that the Forgiveness door has opened. I never thought I would have been standing in this doorway.


Me BS
Him FWS
Married 25 Years  Together 31
LTA 12 years
DDay 4/11/08
R 2/14/09
"No matter if you think you can or you can't...either way you are right"
Scars do not form on the dying...
only on the survivors.



Posts: 317 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: North East
jewel123
Member
Member # 22863
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, December 23rd (Friday)

Bump for a friend!


BS me 44
H 46 (paulie)
married 25 years (hs sweethearts)
dday 8-08
DS19
DS23
New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth. -Thomas Hardy
Reconciled! :)

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: MO
stilllovingher
Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, January 12th (Thursday)

Time to bump it


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2405 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
disgust
Member
Member # 34200
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, January 12th (Thursday)

This is wonderful and so spot on. I hope my WS reads it. Thank you for posting it.

Posts: 349 | Registered: Dec 2011
1985
Member
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, January 16th (Monday)

bump up


Me-BH 63
Her-fWW 63
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
DDay June, 1985
DDay June 1985
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 4 grandkids

Posts: 591 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
afallenangel
New Member
Member # 34563
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, January 17th (Tuesday)

Wow, BS here ... I read this and read it over again and over again. It's amazing to me how spot on it is in describing every single emotion that I am and have been going through for the last 9 months.

My WH had recently asked me to find him some literature on this exact subject becase he just can't understand why I am so stuck ... so I printed this out for him as well as copied and pasted into a e-version for him to have on his phone to reference at all times. He emailed me back and told me this morning that he will be reading it several times and that it has already (since last night) made him understand some things that he didn't before and that for the 1st time since DDay he can finally start to understand what is really going on with me and what he can do to help. Apparently some of it sunk in already because it included an apology, an acknowledgement of him being the cause of my pain and a mention of his confidence of us being able to get through this together. WOW ... he just made my day with that. For the first time, I feel hope that he will be better equipped to participate in the healing and R of our M.

Thank you Hufi-Pufi and everyone else on these boards that are giving of themselves input, hope and truth from their own experiences.


Me: 39,BS
Him: 42,WS
DDay: 4/14/11
Together 11.5yrs, Married 6.5yrs
"If a woman asks you a question, it is best to tell the truth because chances are, if she is asking you, she already knows the answer"
Status: R and making progress ...

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jan 2012
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, January 26th (Thursday)

I hope my WH reads this. I sent it to him. It made me cry to see so much of what I am feeling written here. Thank you. (Well most things kind of make me cry right now.)


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
hopefulforlife
Member
Member # 33645
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, February 3rd (Friday)


Bump... for all new people.

I wish I had read this earlier... I wish I had understood all this earlier...


Learn from mistakes and keep working on self as there is no end to learning and improving!!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: India
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, February 5th (Sunday)

bump for JudgedByMyCover


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
GullibleGirl
Member
Member # 33580
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, February 21st (Tuesday)

Bumped for Lud22. Hope this helps!


Me-FWW-48 He-BH-51 Separated
No kids/M 25yrs/D-Day: 4/20/11
'You & I go hard at each other like we're going to war...You & I go rough-we keep throwing things & slamming the doors'-M5

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: The third loop of the bowels of Hell
hurting7897
Member
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, February 21st (Tuesday)

WOW!!!! I can't say "thank you" enough for this amazing post!! I printed it out to show my WS. It's only been 3 weeks since I discovered his ONC and subsequent betrayal, and I find him getting annoyed that I'm not "over it" yet. He's remorseful, he says over and over how sorry he is, etc., but just yesterday I looked at his phone records and found out he lied about the texts to and from the OW. He was furious with me. Reading this makes me realize why we're not getting anywhere. He may be sorry, he may be wanting R more than anything, but he's not doing enough to rebuild my trust.

Thank you so so much again. You have truly helped me so much.


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
BrokenLadyInMs
Member
Member # 34897
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, February 28th (Tuesday)

Hurting7897, I hear where you are coming from. Sounds like he IS sorry - sorry he got caught.

I know the feeling. Hang in there, today's dust and tomorrow is on the way.


Me 56 WSO (Significant Other)58
Together 26 years
Living together 6 years
DDay 5/13/11
In R, but could be better
"How can a love that'll last forever get left so far behind?"

Posts: 68 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Mississippi
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, March 7th (Wednesday)

bump


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.


Posts: 3901 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Fathful123
Member
Member # 34867
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, March 8th (Thursday)

Thank you! My FWH is away on a business trip. I just emailed it to him and asked him to read it before he comes home.
This hits on sooo many areas. Very good.


DDay-7/11/2011
Me(51)
WS(54)with ED!!!!
OW- 49, big manly looking, Amazon looking Ho ; works with federal government but in different state
Several EAs and one oovoo recorded masturbation chat!
We have been Married 18 years
3 kids youngest 17

Posts: 78 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Northern Virginia
Nightfall
Member
Member # 34954
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, March 12th (Monday)

Made me cry :( Thanks for this, have sent it on to WH.


me-BS 28
him-fWS 38
Together: 8 years Married: 4 years
D Day 1: June 2007 First A
D Day 2: July 2011 LTA of 2 years
In R and it seems to be working

Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2012
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, March 12th (Monday)

Thanks for reposting this. It is helping to let me know what/how to respond and do. I recognize the steps my wife tried with me. Hopefully she is more receptive than i was.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, March 12th (Monday)

bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
GullibleGirl
Member
Member # 33580
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, March 16th (Friday)

Bumped for Hugemistake.


Me-FWW-48 He-BH-51 Separated
No kids/M 25yrs/D-Day: 4/20/11
'You & I go hard at each other like we're going to war...You & I go rough-we keep throwing things & slamming the doors'-M5

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: The third loop of the bowels of Hell
klynn
Member
Member # 31825
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, March 16th (Friday)

Thank you! This made me cry...good tears. You "get" it!


Klynn
Me: BW (36)
Him: WH (37)
Married 10 years Together 13 years
2 children 8, 5
D-Day 11.29.10
Trying to R

Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Michigan
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, April 2nd (Monday)

bumped for BUSYBEE1975.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
stilllovingher
Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, April 13th (Friday)

back to the top


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2405 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, May 17th (Thursday)

Bump it up.

This was/is invaluable to a new WS IMO


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
La Traviata
Member
Member # 14941
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 18th (Friday)

I just printed it out and annotated it with lots of underlining and arrows and exclamation points. I changed the title to "GUIDE TO THE CARE AND FEEDING OF YOUR NEW TRAVIATA"

I see WH on Sunday and I will give it to him then. I think he'll like it since it addresses a lot of his "why is she doing/feeling/saying this?" frustrations.


me: BW 31
him: WH, 29
DDay: 4/16/12
RelapseDay:4/15/13

A year of false R. I grew and worked, he didn't. He took off his wedding ring during an alcoholic relapse, I packed and left the next day. I went back 8 weeks later, working hard


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: NOVA
NorthernGirl888
Member
Member # 35372
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, May 18th (Friday)

thanks for this post.


Me - 36
WH - 42
Together for 20 years and Married for 11

1993- ONS
1994- Prostitute
1997- Pregnant, Suspected ONS
2002- Pregnant, ONS
2008- Hitting on 2 girls on Facebook
2011- Screaming Gut
FEB 2012- Started dealing with All of the above


Posts: 189 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Northern Canada
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, May 30th (Wednesday)

bumped for NobleCause


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
La Traviata
Member
Member # 14941
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, May 31st (Thursday)

This went over GREAT with WH. It's improved our communication so much. In fact, his therapist asked me to print off a copy for him so he could share it with other patients. He's doing the apologies regularly and it really does help. I think it would be useful to put it in the Healing Library.


me: BW 31
him: WH, 29
DDay: 4/16/12
RelapseDay:4/15/13

A year of false R. I grew and worked, he didn't. He took off his wedding ring during an alcoholic relapse, I packed and left the next day. I went back 8 weeks later, working hard


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: NOVA
mesoSTUPID
Member
Member # 35679
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, May 31st (Thursday)

Thank you to everyone who continued to BUMP this. I sent it to my WH because he's been asking for more information. This is I feel the best piece of this forum I could ever send him for us.


ME (BS): 41 and so stupid!
Him (WH): 43. He's my dragon slayer but my heart wasn't supposed to be slayed!

Posts: 193 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Miami
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, July 7th (Saturday)

bump


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6160 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
heartstabber
Member
Member # 34079
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)

Bump


Me: WW
Married: 15 years
DD: November 2011

Let's eat Grandma. Let's eat, Grandma. Commas save lives.


Posts: 164 | Registered: Dec 2011
PanicAttack53
Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, July 29th (Sunday)

Bump


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, July 30th (Monday)

Thank you


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 862 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, July 31st (Tuesday)

bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, August 12th (Sunday)

bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, August 27th (Monday)

bump for HH


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 806 | Registered: Jul 2012
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, August 31st (Friday)

Bump for the newbies.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, September 2nd (Sunday)

This is fantastic!!! Thank you! thank you! My Bs and I looked it over last night and I got a lot out of it!! Thanks again

[This message edited by broevil at 10:54 AM, September 2nd (Sunday)]


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
scangel3
Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, September 14th (Friday)

Bump


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, September 20th (Thursday)

Bump.


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 17031 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
sinnomore
New Member
Member # 36800
Sad  Posted: 8:35 PM, September 21st (Friday)

Spot on!. Read this a while ago & it resonated with me. Still find I need to come back to it. I feel I've done all that's in this post...its up to him to decide..& yes I may find out...it really is a dealbreaker
...


Me - WW-40's
Him - BS-40's
Married 20 years, together 24

Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: USA
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, September 24th (Monday)

Bumping because I referred to it in my post in JFO today.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1466 | Registered: Jun 2011
Diva0702
Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)

Two and a half years on and working on it, I stumbled on this and admire its profound statement of truth...


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, October 7th (Sunday)

Bump


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
QVee
Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, October 7th (Sunday)

My WH has been doing the right things since DDay, but I had him read this a few weeks ago, and it was miraculous. After reading it he actually cried (my H never cries!) and apologized to me again. It's really helped him understand my rollercoaster ride of emotions.

Thank you for posting this.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
Sleepless22
Member
Member # 36580
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, October 7th (Sunday)

I sent this to my WH and he started crying today. Thank you so much for posting this. I think he may finally get it.


Me-BS 33 Him- WH 35 (ptsdandhoping) 3 Kids 10, 5, 2, and one due 12/23.
DD1: 12/2/09-PA DD2: 05/25/12-EA with Ho-Worker;
Status: Reconciling, I think.
My life needs editing. Mort Sahl

Posts: 153 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Crazy Town
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, October 8th (Monday)

This really is fantastic!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
justanotherjoe
New Member
Member # 37076
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, October 10th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much for this post...I copied and pasted it for my WW to read..I only hope she does and it really makes sense enough to her to apply it. We've been up and down about what can be done to reconcile and be happy. I've blamed myself and all my emotions for us not being able to be "us" again. Now with this insight we've another tool in our toolbox to work with..thank you again.


ME= BH /Active Duty Army 30yrs old
WW= Homemaker (now after over 10 A's)26 yrs old
1 6 yr old daughter
10 D days in the last 4 months.


It does nothing more than insult the dead when you treat life carelessly.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, October 11th (Thursday)

bump


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4754 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, October 15th (Monday)

Bumping for a newbie.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2709 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, October 19th (Friday)

BUMP

Posts: 6534 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
carey
Member
Member # 35829
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, October 19th (Friday)

glad this was bumped! Everyone suffering from infidelity will find this helpful. Glad I saw this. Thanks


me(BW) 41
him (WH) 40
D-day 1/17/12
together for 22yrs, married 12 yrs.
2 children ages 10 & 5
You can close your eyes
to the things you don't
want to see. You can't close
your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

Posts: 540 | Registered: Jun 2012
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, October 24th (Wednesday)

bump...good stuff!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
SecondHelping
Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, October 25th (Thursday)

Both WW and I read this tonight. What a great article.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, October 30th (Tuesday)

Bump for a newbie.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6160 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, November 6th (Tuesday)


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, November 15th (Thursday)

Bumped for the newbies


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, November 29th (Thursday)

Bumping for Noah.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2709 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, December 4th (Tuesday)

bump


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
lumpygravy
Member
Member # 11877
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, December 5th (Wednesday)

I hope it's not inappropriate that I comment as a BS, but I shared this with my WW last night. The most surprising part was how much I cried. I couldn't control it.

It was good though.


BS: Me
FWS: Her
M: 17 Years
Daughter: 15
EA
DD: 8/2006
Getting through real recovery.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Aug 2006
LSH1
New Member
Member # 37716
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, December 6th (Thursday)

Copied and emailed this to my WH. Then a list of some my triggers. Please bump this.


(Me)BS&W: 39
(Him)WS&H: 36
(Her)HW: 39
Married 13 1/2 years
2 Girls 13 & 7 yrs
A: At least 2 years PA and 4 EA
D-Day: 7/2/2012

Posts: 34 | Registered: Dec 2012
Inwaiting
New Member
Member # 37748
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, December 8th (Saturday)

Sent link to my WS three days ago hoping that it might spark understanding and a conversation. All that it did though manage to re-traumatize me in that there is only silence on the topic sprinkled with me I supposedly nagging that he hasn't read/or addressed it with me and him saying he's working on reading it (while spending all day online). I'm tired of being depressed. It's a great post and I truly believe both clinically and personally that much of it is exactly how couples can and do heal. Thanks for posting it.


For there is much pain that is quite noiseless...

Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: LA
madeincanada
New Member
Member # 37746
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, December 8th (Saturday)

Thank You as well, so much there, so true .... we read it together and held each other...we want so badly to heal and start our new life.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!

If the R couple can't do that then they will never truly reconcile.

One of the most wonderful and loving things we have done is write a renewed marraige contract, remembering to love laugh and dance is in there. It's 4 pages and growing


Posts: 16 | Registered: Dec 2012
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, December 27th (Thursday)

Bump.


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 17031 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, December 30th (Sunday)

Bump for imsorry1


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Missingmyhusband
New Member
Member # 37849
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, December 31st (Monday)

As a FWW trying my hardest to find the ways to show my husband I am committed to doing everything I can to save our marriage and become the best wife and mother I can be, I find this post to be very insightful and helpful. It's paved a path for us to walk on, it lets us know what we have put our loved ones thru and how we, as WS can be the support for them that we once were not. Thank you so much for this. It is more help to those of us struggling than you know.


Me 25 WS
Him 26 BS
1 child 2yrs old
Dday 11/15/2012
Wanting to save my marriage

Posts: 1 | Registered: Dec 2012
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, January 7th (Monday)

Giving this a bump ~ Does no good on the bottom of the 3rd page for new WS's...


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
BIZZYBEEZ
Member
Member # 37645
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, January 15th (Tuesday)

Just handed this to my H & asked him to please read. He's doing a lot of the things listed already but not quite sure he truly understands the level of my devastation. Thank you for posting one of the best things I've read in a week.


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 39
DDay - 10/22/2012 (worst day of my life)

Learning to breathe again - one day at a time


Posts: 235 | Registered: Nov 2012
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, January 18th (Friday)

Bump


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
NoTriangles
Member
Member # 35985
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, January 28th (Monday)

bump


Me: Finding my Sunlight
Him: Traitor in my Foxhole
Let go or get dragged.

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: a state of consciousness
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
What?  Posted: 2:50 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)

Bumping from page 10


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, March 7th (Thursday)

Bump


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 17031 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, March 7th (Thursday)

This is a great post.

It's also very important that every WS know that if they do the work and fix the thought processes and patterns to become safe people it will be ok whether the relationship works out or not.

Hell, that's something EVERYONE needs to know.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
hurting7897
Member
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 22nd (Friday)

YES!!! APPLAUSE HERE!!! I am a BS a little over a year out from d-day #1 and approaching the anti-versaries of d-days #2 and 3, and I just printed this out for me FWH to read. He is doing "everything" but sometimes it still doesn't seem like he really is. Even my IC asked me, "what do you need from your H?" and sometimes I'm dumbfounded and can't answer. I know he's doing everything he can, but then after reading this, it explained truly what "do everything he can" really is.

I am one of the "lucky" ones who's FWH truly "gets" it. We may just make it after all, and this post will help us get there.

Thank you again.


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
pizzalover
Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

Great post! I plan on utilizing this with my BH. It helps me to understand what he's going through.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 397 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
truetou
Member
Member # 22809
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

Best info I've read in a long time...wish WS would read it and apply it...

maybe I'll print it and put it in his birthday card this year...dday was on his birthday...6 years ago ..he still doesn't get it!!!


Posts: 184 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: canada
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 17031 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Lowlow
Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)

Bump


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 218 | Registered: Mar 2013
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

Bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

Bump!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Bump


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
BrokenBill
New Member
Member # 39227
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, May 10th (Friday)

Well, that would be everything my wife is not doing to fix her mess!

Thank you for a truly great post here.


The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference.

Me - Betrayed Spouse - Age:43
Her - Serial Adulterer Wife - Age:38
Affair partners - 3 in 16 months (+2 more unconfirmed)

D-Day 18 March 2013
Together 8 Years, Married 6 Years


Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
3kids30years
Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, May 17th (Friday)

Bump - and printing out for WH to read. At least i hope so.


BS - mid 50's
WH - mid 50's
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2year+ "passionate" EA/PA

Married 30+ years and here I am. Heartbroken.
4/14 Trying to make it thru each day
8/14 - I may be done, we will see


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, May 19th (Sunday)


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 17031 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

bumping


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7801 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 20th (Thursday)


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 17031 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
PrincessPeach06
Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, June 20th (Thursday)

This is perfect! WS is being wonderful but I have often wished he could get in my brain and understand and this is as close as it gets. Of course he's not much of a reader and reads sloooow so I had to get the highlighter out.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Bumped for Pouring Rain.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
PreggoBS
New Member
Member # 39622
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, June 24th (Monday)

Thank you so much for this post. This was my WH's response after reading this it:

Thanks. I just read it but have to go see [a friend]now. I know I've done or said all of those things (or at least felt them, but I think I've said them too) but maybe not enough? This is a good reminder. I'm not sure if I've told you how thankful I am that you haven't killed me in my sleep. Seriously, my world would end without you and even though what I did was so awful here you are. Like I told your mom, you are so amazing. Thank you for loving me that much. It means the world to me.


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Oregon
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, June 24th (Monday)

Thanks so much! Going to print this and give it to my H.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
PauLLing
New Member
Member # 39396
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

WS here - 6 months into this terrible agony I inflicted upon us.

I was directed to this post when BS first discovered SI and I have re-read it many times. It helps me see more clearly the complete devastation I have wrought upon us and makes me so ashamed I did this.

I totally embrace all of what is in the original thread and it inspires me to be the better person my BS so deserves - I feel unworthy of the effort she has put in to wanting us to stay together but I am determined to repay that effort many times over - this thread has, and will continue to, inspire me.

Thank you SI for helping us cope with this horrific journey.


Me: fWH 49
Her: BS 46
PA: June to September 2013
Dday: January 3rd 2013 - I confessed
Status: Totally committed to R - having IC for the first time in my life which is uncovering so many bad, learned behaviours & we have seen a fabulous MC too.

Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Bumped for Whatnow999


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Amazing. Just printed for WH. Seriously AMAZING.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 19th (Friday)

bump


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Rebuildingman
New Member
Member # 39861
Shocked  Posted: 10:29 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

I am a WS and one week post D-Day. I was visiting prostitutes and even another male (a BIG mistake) and got caught. Wife found texts and emails and you all know what happened.

We are talking right now and will start counseling on Monday. In the past week, I have cut of all contacts with previous life, have seen a therapist twice, saw our Priest twice, made a long and complete confession, been to a separation support group, and will be attending Kings Men tonight. I am completely devastated by what happened and have completely lost my friends, family members, and even my business as we worked together and we agreed that I would exit the business.

I am looking at Mount Everest now and don't know if I can do it. I love her dearly and the kids all want us to make it work as do I. But the challenges just seem too much for me and the thought of years of devastation, rejection, and pain are making me want to run away. I have God in my life and have turned it all over to Him, but still am a mess.

Of course it is all my fault, I accept and embrace that completely and have also accepted the fact that I am the lowest form of dirt for having done this.

Any words of encouragement is sorely needed at this point - not that I deserve any.


I am a rebuilding man - a work in progress

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Stow
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

People are able to make changes. Making those changes stick long term is a bit more of a challenge.

Rather than look for support on this thread, you would be better off posting new threads, responding to others from your perspective, and responding to questions in posts you make. That way you won't threadjack this long-running thread.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

bump


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 29th (Monday)

bump


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2701 | Registered: Oct 2012
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Thank you.......I intend to make this better...I love my wife...I love her so much...I have hurt her and our families....I am going to try and make this better.....I am so sorry


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Already Read this a couple times...it is worth it to print and read again and again. Thank you


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, August 9th (Friday)

bump


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

bump


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4754 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Fireflies
Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

Bumping for Nicnac


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

bump


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6160 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
soconfusednow
Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I printed this for my WH to read.

Things still aren't where I'd like them to be yet, but at least they are better. He seams to finally understand part of what I'm going through.

I'm still very confused and unsure. not sure if we'll make it long term. But until that decision is made, I'm claiming baby steps towards our future together.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
1bigidiot79
Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

OK so my internet filter won't let me see the first page of this thread so I can't read it. Can someone copy and paste it for me or PM me a copy of it?

Thanks


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
soconfusednow
Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, September 9th (Monday)

bump


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Bumping this one to the top for a new member.

Posts: 6724 | Registered: Dec 2010
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Bump!


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
morethantrying
Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

did anyone give it to the WS and what was their response...what about if it is already 8 months after DDay?


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 283 | Registered: Sep 2013
selfishme
New Member
Member # 40659
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

thank you so much for posting this. It has helped me see the ways to comfort my BS.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Sep 2013
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Wonderful post. My FWH figured this out himself, thankfully, through reading various books, prayers, good friends, and on his own. I can attest that although not perfect in his implementation this is what my FWS had done and it worked. We are 5 years in R now.

[This message edited by Simple at 4:19 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
conflicted88
New Member
Member # 40793
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, September 27th (Friday)

I printed this out for my WS. He's sitting next to me reading this as I write I post. Thank you thank you to whoever took the time to write this.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, September 30th (Monday)

bump

Posts: 6724 | Registered: Dec 2010
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 6724 | Registered: Dec 2010
SpaceJane
Member
Member # 40303
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, October 19th (Saturday)

Just bumping it. I feel this should always be on the first page, as a BS I feel like all WS should read this. Thank you.


Me BS: 29
SAWH: 29
M: 3yrs ; T: 12yrs
DDay1: 8/11/13 confessed to tip of the iceberg.
DDay2: 8/26/13 Found secret email, 7 yrs of CL casual encounters, dating websites, massage parlors, etc.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2013
lloyddobler
Member
Member # 41050
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 25th (Friday)

Bump. Among many, many helpful things I have read, this may prove to be the most helpful, esp if I can get WW to read it. Thanks to jjct for pointing it out to me!


Me: BH, 38
WW: 36
Married 9 years; together 12
D-Day #1: Oct. 18, 2013 (3-year ongoing long distance PA; August 2010-October 2013)
D-Day #2: Nov. 8, 2013 (an affair prior to the one mentioned above... June 2009-summer 2010[?])
19-month old son

Posts: 55 | Registered: Oct 2013
nicjean83
New Member
Member # 40959
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, October 25th (Friday)

WOW! As newly WS having a hard time understanding my BH ( He is not fully opening up to me we are only 3 weeks in) This was the best read I have found yet. I plan to put all the things i your post in action. I too have a hrd tim opening up. i was taught to stay emotionally shut down my whole life. So speaking my thoughts and emotions are not in my nature at all. Something Our MC is working with us on. tytyty for your post again!


Me- WS- 30
Him BS- 35
A- 1 month
Kids 1 age 6
D-day- 10/6/2013

"Just as night is followed by day,so to your dark times will be followed by brighter days"


Posts: 23 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Menifee Ca
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Bumpity bump


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, November 4th (Monday)

I shared this w my H, he made no effort to read it on his own so I read it with him, later he read it alone. Never said anything, so I asked what did you think of the "letter" we read? He said he couldn't remember what it said, we read it aloud again, this time got the response- how long did you have to look till you found someone who wrote what you think? He said it's not his view of things. I feel betrayed again, he says there is no such thing as healing or working through this. It's a mind set to just put it in the past & move on. I guess that's how he managed to deal with himself for the years he hid the truth, just isn't working for me. Thanks for the great advice, hope someone does better than us because of it.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
TheBestMe
Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

[This message edited by TheBestMe at 8:00 AM, November 11th (Monday)]


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 411 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 6:47 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

TheBestMe...

Your comment is extremely insulting to those in here trying to work through their issues.

Your H maybe as you described, but not the WS's in this forum..

Please be more respectful when posting in here.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197277 | Registered: May 2002
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

Sometimes I think we as BS are in a different mindset about what we read. I found the letter expressed so much that I have felt, I thought it described what I would like to have from him very well. That is why I shared it, hoping to open an honest conversation. His response made me feel worse. Hearing that someone else didn't get a great response was good for me.
Yesterday I received an email from Affair Recovery which had a PDF on trust, I read it X2, got up my nerve & shared it with spouse, maybe it was the timing, maybe it was that the letter to WS having just recently been read, IDK, he actually listened, asked some questions & we talked! I discovered that he feels very unsafe talking, reacts with defensiveness because of this. All I have felt is closed off from the affairs, like he has secrets, he has felt I would take whatever he discloses and use it against him. So my hope is we are going to talk more with less fighting, more understanding on both sides and FINALLY make some forward progress. Today I would say- don't give up, something will eventually break thru the shell. Thanks to everyone on SI for making this a place where it is safe to feel what we feel, and thanks for any encouragement, advice & commiserating! We all need to know we are not crazy to keep trying. Sorry too long.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

bump


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, November 8th (Friday)

Will ask him to read this. Amazing.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
TheBestMe
Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, November 8th (Friday)

[This message edited by TheBestMe at 8:01 AM, November 11th (Monday)]


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 411 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, December 1st (Sunday)

Bumping


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Notdaniel
New Member
Member # 41302
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, December 1st (Sunday)

This was a good read. I will say that betrayed spouses could react differently to some of it. I do have to communicate more and tell her why I want her and will work on doing that today. Spending time together is kinda mood dependent. I appreciate the insight into her mind.


WH-that's me (37)
Super amazing wife (39)

1 child


Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2013
kmom2662
Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, December 2nd (Monday)

That was incredibly helpful to read. My BS is having trouble sleeping, panic attacks, lots of emotions all the time. I feel terrible for what I've done to him. I'm going to print this and keep it handy. I think it will help both of us sort through things


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Bump for Elasticman.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2701 | Registered: Oct 2012
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, December 9th (Monday)

*bump* for cricketinturmoil.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, January 10th (Friday)

*bump* for dolphin1111


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
lostandhopless
Member
Member # 41568
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

Bump


Be careful who you trust. Even your shadow will abandon you when it's dark.....

Divorced 6/13/14


Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2013
OnTilt
Member
Member # 34140
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Bump


BS(Me), WH(Him) in our 50's
Status: I'm giving up on him

Posts: 379 | Registered: Dec 2011
cantseestraight3
New Member
Member # 42112
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, January 20th (Monday)

OK, I think I found a way out of this one. I found the article (with some minor changes it seems) on another website. I will send her THAT link instead.

Somehow I feel safer supplying that little bit of misdirection.


MS M54
WS F45
D-Day 1/4/14

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Bump for EMO


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6160 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
foolishlycluless
Member
Member # 41404
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

This is a great thread. I want to provide it to my WS, but I'm not sure how he will react.


BW 55
WH 59
M 30 yrs, together 33 yrs, no children.
D-Day #1: 9/23/2013, EA 15+ months, PA with 34 YO business assoc
D-Day #2: 11/27/2013, OW, EA for 2-3 yrs (2005-2007), PA
D-Day #3: 6/6/2014, found the sex video
Status: Putting on my bitch bo

Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington DC
MessedUpAndDown
Member
Member # 24367
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Mod please


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: 16 years
DDay: 12-12-08 ~ S: 8-1-10
"If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then give up. There's no sense in being a damn fool about it." - W.C. Fields

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2009
Wayflost
Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

bump


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.


Posts: 391 | Registered: Dec 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

*bump* for Ladybug.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
somethingremorse
Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Bump -- should be on page 1. I look for it all of the time.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 489 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
TennisTC
Member
Member # 41330
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Bump


Me: BW Him: WH (Both early 30's)
Married 11 years with a DD7
DDay: 2-24-13
R'ing

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2013
DTERMINED2SURVIV
Member
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, February 21st (Friday)

BS here....LOVED IT. Definitely touches on the back and forth we feel. Even those, silent blank stares....Yes, we are thinking about it...HELP!!




Posts: 270 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Bump.

Posts: 6724 | Registered: Dec 2010
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, March 20th (Thursday)

Thanks! I bookmarked it too. Every WS should read this.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 31st (Monday)

*bump*


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

Bumping this to the top of the thread again. Great post for anyone who hasn't read it yet.

Posts: 6724 | Registered: Dec 2010
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

bump


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

Wow! This is the truth; I wish my husband would read it. He probably won't, though.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 890 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Bump


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6160 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, April 25th (Friday)

bump


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Dec 2012
MomtoRoses
Member
Member # 42271
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

bumpity bump


i'm the bs
he is the wh.
7 ddays: affairs, online activities, ea, pa, longterm pa,longterm ea, one night stands.
I'm the last to know.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2014
Gemstone
Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)

There needs to be a way to have this permanently at the top
Wonderful

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
Trying2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 2nd (Friday)

Awesome! This describes the way we,as BS, feel and what we go through. My H has told me many times that he doesn't always know WHAT to do for me, or HOW to help. This is a great guide! I hope it stays posted on here forever! Thanks SO much!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Bump.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Mjuu
New Member
Member # 43386
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 10th (Saturday)

Thank you ever so much for posting this, and thank you whoever wrote it!

Since I found out about the affair 1,5 years ago I've been in a complete despair, fighting pretty much solo for my marriage and with a 1,5 year old to take care of (I know: I was one month from delivery when I found out).
I found this webpage only yesterday and it feels like it has saved my life, and hopefully also my marriage. Thank you all for sharing.


Me: BW age 32
Him: WH age 35
Together for 2,5 years, 1 child.

Long-distance relationship; he slept with another woman when I was away. Was expecting our child when I found out.


Posts: 1 | Registered: May 2014
isthismynewlife
Member
Member # 43292
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Bump

Such a great post!


Me 42 BS
Him 42 WS
DDay #1 11/28/13 - 7 months EA/a little PA
DDAy #2 8/25/14 - oops - did I forget to mention that it was a 15 month PA? With your friend?
Thought we had a chance. But now it's back to square one. I'm too tired to fight for us

Posts: 62 | Registered: Apr 2014
remorsefulww
Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, May 18th (Sunday)

Bump

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, May 30th (Friday)

Bump


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6160 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)

Bump.

Posts: 6724 | Registered: Dec 2010
sorrowfulmate
Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)

bump


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 158 | Registered: May 2014
Macsecond
Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Bump


Me - WW (37)
Him - BH (36)
Married almost 14 years.
2 kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
sorrowfulmate
Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)

bump


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 158 | Registered: May 2014
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 24th (Thursday)

bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Sparkle0504
Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Bump


Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies


Posts: 191 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

Bump


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
sorrowfulmate
Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, August 8th (Friday)

Bump


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 158 | Registered: May 2014
kaylee711
New Member
Member # 44435
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, August 11th (Monday)

As a BS, I'm having the hardest time with the confusion aspect - you hit the nail right on the head - even though my happy-sad-angy-happy-super angry-sleepy-forgetfulness is way off the charts, I am comforted to know that there's no shame as BS feeling this:


CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)


Posts: 47 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Texas
Headunderwater
New Member
Member # 44484
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)

Thank you for posting this even if it wasn't as reassuring as I thought. after reading this it actually became more apparent to me that R may not be an option for me and my WS. reading through these thing they all seem like great advice and things that would go a long way into healing us but unfortunately they are not things that I could see my wife actually doing...

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: United States
sarahstar
Member
Member # 43889
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, August 15th (Friday)

thankyou for posting this

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
remorsefulww
Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 16th (Saturday)

Bump

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, August 21st (Thursday)

bump


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
trying22
New Member
Member # 44592
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, August 22nd (Friday)

As the BS this post validated what I'm feeling and made me feel less crazy. Ps I loved that at one post said do not call them 'crazy' or 'irrational'. It's so true I hate these words because he has no idea the pain I feel. He can try to understand and relate but in the end he really can't.. And I'm not crazy and it hurts to hear him call me that.. I start to believe him and think that I'm somehow fucked up in my thinking and the problem is me..

Posts: 39 | Registered: Aug 2014
Topic Posts: 406