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Just Found Out
User Topic: Honey, they always affair down
deathbybetrayal
Member
Member # 22478
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with another SIer and a couple of the things we talked about are recurring topics – especially for the newly betrayed wife. After DDay, we take such a hit to our self-esteem, and question what it was about the other woman that was so attractive to our husbands? Why did they get the best parts, when we were left with the worst? The truth is, that is not how this works. She is not more attractive. She does not get the best parts.

What’s is attractive about the OW is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure WH, wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to kill. The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Our wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath them, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch? The fact is … they always trade down. If she happens to be prettier, or thinner – it’s just pure luck that the wrapping is worth more than the gift inside. What’s inside, is no match for you. You’re beautiful, and faithful, strong and possibly the mother of his children. The truth is, the OW could be anyone, anyone slow enough to be caught and willing to accept what little our husbands had to offer.

She accepts the very worst parts of our husbands; the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken man. His behavior is lower than low, but that’s okay with her. She’s accepts trashy behavior, because she is trash. She has no self-esteem because she knows her value … her value as the weakest, the most injured of the herd. She accepts his cheating ways and lowlife behavior because she knows her place in the pack – and it’s at the end of the row. Bringing up the rear, it’s just a matter of time before someone singles her out, and uses her for his own selfish reasons in his quest to be admired.

So what happens when we catch him with her? Most often he leaves her where he found her, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack – even weaker and more injured than when he found her. She’s worse for the wear. Trust me, it is her self-esteem that is eroded, not ours. After all, she wasn't able to keep him even considering he was in a "loveless, sexless" marriage to a "cold-hearten woman." Because isn't that the way it always is? How pathetic that she's given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed? Self-esteem erosion 101.

Retake your position at the front of the pack. More often than not, it’s you he’s fighting for; it's you he's sorry for; it’s you he’s trying to be a better man for. Regain your strength. Retake your rightful place.

Betrayal hurts, I know. Boy, do I know. But remember, when they find someone weak enough to have an affair with, they always affair down.

Power and peace to all of the newly betrayed wives today.

DBB


Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Jan 2009
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

AMEN

[This message edited by nooneeverthought at 6:45 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)]


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
just breathe.
Member
Member # 25604
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

I LOVE this. Thank you.


Me: Faithful Wife, Him: WH (stupid ONS)
DDay/Confession day: 8/29/09

Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours.


Posts: 368 | Registered: Sep 2009
Grace Under Fire
Member
Member # 21533
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Beautiful. And so very, very true.


Posts: 1217 | Registered: Nov 2008
fightofmylife
Member
Member # 25273
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Well said deathbybetrayal. I feel so much better now.


BW-(Me)
FWH-(Him)
D-day Aug 07/09
Married: 10 years
2 kids
Working hard at R

True happiness is found in unselfish love, a love which increases in proportion as it is shared. ~ Thomas Merton ~


Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2009
moonlightdragon
Member
Member # 8331
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

just what I needed read today.. thank you :)


BS (me) - 30
WH (him) - 29

D-Day Friday the 13th November 2009

In R moving forward :)


Posts: 52 | Registered: Sep 2005
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

This is so, so true.

After I discovered the A, I realized OW could have been ANYONE. It had nothing to do with her personality, her education, her looks. It had to do with her willingness to take the remnants of someone who is not hers. The remnants......

She stroked his ego. Period. They had nothing in common except the sex chatter online. Nothing but chit chat. Absolutely nothing.

OW sold her soul for the morsels she would received from my WS. Morsels........They talked over the internet, but she lived across the country and they didn't even "know" each other. It was superficial nonsense.

In my situation, OW was not prettier, she was not smarter, she thought her BIG BOOBS were her special prize. Too bad she didn't know, something only a wife would know, that my WS is not a "boob" guy, he loves arshes.

OW thought my WS was her KISA. She meant so much to him that on D Day he threw her under the bus and NEVER LOOKED BACK EVEN WHEN SHE DESPERATELY TRIED TO MAKE CONTACT. She was the LEAST OF THE BUNCH.

And that is who most OW are, desperate, self-loathing. Willing to have little snippets of time with another woman's H.


Posts: 9227 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Debs
Member
Member # 21933
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

yehh I feel so good now.. true in our case too! But what does that say about our WS???


I lost my heart and found myself!

Posts: 804 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Orange NSW
lost_in_space
Member
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Thank you so much for this.

I'm gonna copy it and keep it to reread on days that are rough. In fact I might start my day reading it for a while so it permanently sinks in!


Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.


Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
steph
Member
Member # 11564
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Well written. In our case however, the OW HAD to be young and pretty, mine is a shallow one...........


Me BS
Him WS
Married 27 yrs at first affair, now married over 30
Dday July 3, 06 False R for over 2.5 years, Discovery again 2/17/09 and again Dec 2011, same pathetic OW.

It's what you do when someone is not looking that reveals the most a


Posts: 2304 | Registered: Aug 2006
elly
New Member
Member # 26193
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Thank you, this is so true and as a person who "just found out" I needed to hear this!!!


BS-41 WS-39 D-Day 03-09-2009 OW 44 and works with WS

Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2009
mourningtheloss
Member
Member # 24917
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

DBB, you just made my DAY!!! Thanks I needed to read that.


BS: Me, 52
WS: Him 51 - 7mo EA/ 2mo PA
27 years Married
DS 24, DD 15
DD#1: 04/28/09 Found email from OW and demanded NC and was promised
DD#2 05/15/09 - False R, C never stopped
"Lose a Cheater, Gain a LIFE"

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ca
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

AMEN sisters!

Thanks DBB, you always make me feel better!


He's not an Ex, he's a why

Posts: 6272 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Danu
Member
Member # 16811
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Even though it's been a long time since I just found out, I needed to be reminded of this, thank you!


"... your soulmate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your shit" Madonna

Posts: 4169 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: MA
lyndee
Member
Member # 22802
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Thank you DBB. This is a keeper. Copying it to my journal.

This is the most incredibly accurate description of OW I've yet to read.


Me (BS)
Him (WS)
Reconciling

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2009
deeplysad
Member
Member # 16590
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

What a fabulous post DBB. You described my FWH's whore perfectly.


Me: BW - I'm much too young to feel this damn old
Him: FWH - Midlife crisis with a pathetic porn wannabe
D-Day: August 2004; Lots of false R until February 2005.

It takes all kinds of kinds....Miranda Lambert


Posts: 3386 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: So Calif
Sandi120
Member
Member # 25790
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

THANK YOU! This is exactly what I needed today. This is why this site is the BEST!


Sandi

Posts: 86 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Utah
used up
Member
Member # 26119
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

You made my day!


BS -me -57 WH 62
Married 23 years
son-21-heart of Switzerland
daughter-18-fierce warrior

MOW - mother of Daughter's best friend. 15 years younger than WH
Discovery Day - July 1, 2009


Posts: 470 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Nevada
WantToSmileAgain
Member
Member # 25786
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

I believe this is the best post I have read! So, so very true! Thank you!


D-Day 8/15/09
WH Moved Out 1/21/10
Legally Separated 7/6/10
Property Settlement Agreement Signed 3/10/11
Divorce Finalized 4/6/11 WooHoo!
Time to celebrate!

Posts: 2291 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Virginia
LisaReg
Member
Member # 22825
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

DDB, you are dead on. I so needed to hear these words tonight. My wh had his A with his college girlfriend. It just eats at me constantly. Did he really love her all this time? Did he settle for me and has been stuck here with his 2nd choice for 14 years?
Your post helped me see for a minute that she truly is sloppy seconds. She is the one who got the shaft. He didn't marry her. He dumped her back in college. He just can't handle growing up and hitting 40. He wanted to go back to his youth with his trashy little gf from 20 years ago. She was trash then and still is. DDB, you are my angel tonight.
(((DBB)))

[This message edited by LisaReg at 8:23 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)]


BW (me)
WH(him)
"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key." The Eagles

Posts: 916 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Anywhere USA
anotherstatistic
Member
Member # 26184
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

This is so what I needed to read today. DBB, I don't even know you and I love you! This one is going in the survival handbook I've started, with a tab for easy reference.


Me-BS 36 Him-WS 41 (just plain wrong)
hisD-17, myS-13, ourD-3, ourD-born 3/17/10
D-day- 7/29/09

Posts: 397 | Registered: Nov 2009
weeping willow
Member
Member # 22800
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Thanks DBB....This is definitely the most accurate description of the OW, and the best post I've ever read!


BW - me FWH - him
D Day - July 26, 2007
Married 38 years


Posts: 1796 | Registered: Feb 2009
PeacefulLife
Member
Member # 25667
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Beautifully written! Thank you for sharing. It helps to read and put the affairs into perspective. Who would really want a broken, pathetic man? Not a healthy woman, that's for sure.


Me-43
XH-43
Three children
Separated 10/22/2009
DIVORCED!!!! 9/2/2011

Posts: 455 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Down South
Alana89
Member
Member # 25011
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Beautifully written, and I'm sorry for your pain. However, I don't feel it's accurate for me. I was the one who was beaten and down because my xH saw to it and I allowed it.

I've been here for a few months trying to decide whether or not to dig for the truth after the D; for me. To learn where I went wrong in our M and to ensure it won't happen again in my future R's.

What does it say about our H's. That they are predators? If that's so, I'm glad that I didn't know before we separated as I don't think I could have stayed with a man with so little regard for not only me but for someone weaker.

Don't get me wrong, OW here is a real piece of work and she did not 'win'. It wasn't a contest. She wasn't caught, it wasn't a chase. I've learned that for my own healing, I have to be gut wrenchingly honest with myself. We grew apart and they had more in common than we did. I'm not forgiving or condoning either but I have learned that I have to own up to my part in this mess. I want to hate her, you have no idea how badly I want to hate her. But in doing so, I loose a part of me. And I've already sacraficed enough of myself to this. THIS is where I won't let the OW win.

A friend from childhood has been married for over 10 years to her MM (she was his MW). Yes, cheaters. But she is nothing like the generic OW in your post. She's never been weak, or had low self esteem. In fact, the exact opposite. Wrong as it was, they were both unhappily M and they fell in love. Yes it hurt two others and yes it's morally wrong. But it wasn't a predator/prey situation. As a matter of fact, of the couples I know who have been through infidelty, none of the OP's were prey nor were the MP predatorial.

But as a newly single woman getting my dating feet wet, I do see similarities in the men out there these days. I'm stunned at the number of MM who are out clubbing.

But all stories are different as are all the people involved.

Sorry for the t/j. Again, beautiful post and I hope you can find peace again.


Posts: 334 | Registered: Aug 2009
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Wow! Actually OW scoped out my lonely, living away from home for a year H, when she was also down and out, getting a D. Plus she had 4 young children she needed a daddy for. (No problem, FWH is missing his own 4 children.) FWH now says she was very "needy" and had poor boundaries.

What does that say about him? Yea, now he says he should have cut and run immediately, but he stuck around long enough to hear her sob story, got sucked in and shared the fantasy with her.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 9:02 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)]


Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Aug 2009
deathbybetrayal
Member
Member # 22478
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

And what about him?

Broken, liar, cheater, needy, insecure seeker of ego stroking. At least that's who my husband was at that time. Oh, and throw in depressed after losing his father. Today, an entirely different man. At least he's working on becoming the man I deserve - the one he always wanted to be.

A friend from childhood has been married for over 10 years to her MM (she was his MW

Yes, there is always the case for the functioning dysfunctional.

I hope you can find peace again.

Thank you. At more than a than a year out, I'm slowly finding peace again. It's been a long, hard road. But it's coming back. I find that having perspective helps. Best of luck to you in your new beginning. You seem to be doing well in accepting that your ex husband is better suited with someone else.


Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Jan 2009
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

DBB, you've come such a long way. I'm proud of you sweetie. Ya done good here today.


Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we'll ever do. ~ Brené Brown

Posts: 12712 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
Alana89
Member
Member # 25011
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

DBB,, functional dysfunctional. I like it. Dysfunctional's become a buzz word sort of like co-dependant.. we all have the traits.

Thanks... yeah, they're better suited for each other. Neither of them grew up. I did. They're beyond middle aged drunks! At times when I REALLY want to hate her,, I relish in what she's getting! lol A drunken, multiple DUI card carrying broke loser who had more than he ever deserved and threw it all away... Her? lost the best friend she may have ever had.

Ooo that felt good!

I'm glad the two of you are finding your way. I wish you all the best!


Posts: 334 | Registered: Aug 2009
dove
Member
Member # 15382
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

great post!!!

Posts: 244 | Registered: Jul 2007
TickTock
Member
Member # 26015
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Thank you so much for this post. I have never really looked at it from that point of view. I was having an "Ah Ha" Oprah moment while I was reading it.

I am going to read this every day.


15 year old son
14 year old daughter
12 year old son

"Do the RIGHT thing - that way you will always like the person you see in the mirror" the mantra I heard consistently growing up from my Mum - thank you Mum!


Posts: 296 | Registered: Oct 2009
confuzzled
New Member
Member # 26137
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

This post spoke volumes to me.Very well said and I am going to read this every single time I have these haunting thoughts go through my head about the affair(ok maybe not read it EveryTime..lol but I will refer my brain to remember this when I have haunting affair thoughts!)
Thank you so much for putting this into words for the rest of us to read. It is true and it makes me feel better to read it because we usually tend to be down on ourselves when our WH has an affair..and why?? because some easy sleezy hoe with no self respect or respect for others people's lives come along and flatters the shit out of them??? Why should we?? C'mon ladies...I'm sure we have all been hit on during our marriages.Yes it is flattering, Yes it feels great BUT we go home to them...that guy...the one we said vows to!!! We do not drop our pants at first opportunity and be thankful someone "tooted" our horn enough to sleeze things up! That's the way it should be..otherwise we would all not be here on this site!

Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: canada
strongandwomanly
Member
Member # 26046
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

I know this is going to put me on the "bad list"...but that is what keeps me from being mad at the OW. I feel sorry for her. What a low life.

I am coming to grips with the fact that I am the winner...and she is truly a loser. And...I really, truly feel sorry for her.

(okay...fire away...I know I am going to get it for saying that.)


BS - me - 39 WS - 44. (Not So Happy)
OW - my former bf my whole life - 54
A was n '99 - dday was n sept '09
4 kids - DS 17 DDs 15 12 & 10
3 dogs/1 cat/2 ferrets and a heartache. Married 18 years..together 25. I want to believe n R.

Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Texas
ZigZag
New Member
Member # 24253
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Nicely written DBB and the fellow SIer.

DITTO below.

.. true in our case too! But what does that say about our WS???

WS is also broken, but when will they get it?


Me: 42 BS
Him: 44 WS
D-Day #1: 6 Nov 06 (thot it was EA)
D-Day #2 4 Dec 08
M: nearly 16 yrs. DD:14 yo, DS: 8yo

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jun 2009
tearsofjade
Member
Member # 25778
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much for posting this. Its 5am and I am getting ready to leave for work after a rough day with WH yesterday. What you said is something I have known but never been able to make it concrete in my mind, kept slipping back to it must be me.

My WH is LEO and she is a waitress in a restrauant he would frequent. She is in her early to mid 20's, WH is 44. He is a good looking man, has all his hair and sexy eyes. She is ugly and trashy, this has come from people who have seen her, one of the first things they said was "have you been checked for STD?"

So yes he just went for what was easy and still thinks she was a nice person, had enough going on in her life and wasnt into drama. This being said when I asked him why he wasn't worried about her making waves at the dept he works at. Yea screwing a married man is NOT drama and doesn't add any stress to you life!!!!
She saw this man in uniform (KISA) and he saw a hero worshipper and available sperm receptacle.

I will print your poting out and read it daily. Thank you so much.


FBW(me)48
Divorced and really happy!
The best revenge is a life lived well!

Posts: 653 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: michigan
babybean2006
Member
Member # 25987
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Thank you


Me BW 27,
him WH 26 "annar"
DS 4 yrs

OG -fucking psycho whore, spreading disease and creating unwanted babies
D-day feb 09
separated since. Tried to "re-connect" recently, but that was based on LIES too :(
Nov. 2010-its over


Posts: 566 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: london
supermom
Member
Member # 25945
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Wow,this is so true! Thank you for posting it.


On a rollercoaster for 23 years and now it is time to get off.

Posts: 223 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Texas
down4now
Member
Member # 23635
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Thank you. I know this in my heart but its nice to have someone else articulate it so well.


BS (me) 44
WS (him)45
Married 21yrs, Together 25 yrs
Children boy 14, girl 19
D-Day(s)26th Feb, 1st March, 12th March 2009
5 Month EA/PA
OW: 52,former friend.
NC 4th March 09. Broken by OW 13th Aug, 20th Nov
On the road to R

Posts: 837 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: UK
Megpie
Member
Member # 24358
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)

This is the best and most truthful post I have ever seen here. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou.


Me - BS - 54
Him - WS - 40
OW - his ex wife (divorced for 15 years)
Married 10 years, together 14
Blended family, no kids at home
D-Day - 13/04/09
R-Day - 13/04/09

Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Atlantic Canada
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Even though we instinctively, rationally and intellectually know all this to be true, it doesn't stop the monkeys chattering in your ear at first - early on. So it is great for this to be written - SO CLEARLY - for newbies. THANK YOU.

With my OW, I tried, because of all the above and because I felt sorry for her, early on to help here to feel better about herself (not her behaviour, of course), and she even told my FWH that I was the only person who understood her!

And then I discovered the many fishing expeditions she had been on, regardless, and realised that her self-respect was lost cause, and certainly no longer a cause for me to support. (Many more deserving causes in the world).

It did though take my FWH a while to realise that it was "it", the ego-stroking, the worship, and the admiration that he was missing and not her.

Now he is completely indifferent to her - and I am not...yet. But working on it.

And posts like yours help a lot, Thank You!!


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
terriblysad
Member
Member # 25701
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Thank you for the post... I know that I am a better person than her - we are all better than the OW because she is the liar and cheater.
It's just nice to read and confirm.

In my case, my WH needs to feel superior, needs to feel needed. She is a very needy person with may issues.


BW (me) 49
WH 51M
arried 27 years - 3 wonderful children 23,19,16
D-Day - 7-3-09 - LTA with a "friend" - started in 2003?
False R - finally NC 5-11
Trying to R - one day a time.

The worst thing you can try to do is cling to somethin


Posts: 132 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Northeast
KInUSA
Member
Member # 19503
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)

thanks for this, I really enjoyed reading it.


DDay 4 November 2009
DDay #2 14 December 2010


Posts: 499 | Registered: May 2008 | From: far far from home
DumbBlonde
Member
Member # 24972
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Good post and perfect place for it!! All the BSs who are women go through this. It is natural brcause of the emphasis society has placed on looks. We question who we are and it is always in terms of the outer beauty.

Not who they were/are. At the right place atthe wrong time,could have been anyone. Hard to accept because we blow it up in our minds; the intimacy of the A on all levels. We were lied to. OWs were lied to. Thry were used and if they felt there was an emotional connection it was a facade on the part of the WH to get what he ultimately wanted.

It's just too bad we don't recognize this until after so much pain has been endured


BW - phone billin Feb 07 taught me a few things about WH
Married Aug 86 (I know, I know!!)
know of 2 As 1 that had been off and on for the duration on my marriage (my name should be: What A Boob!)
lots of Ddays due to trickle truth
Several false

Posts: 349 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: California
mkd5874
Member
Member # 25009
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Thank you for posting this- I really needed this today.
I would hug you if I could.....

Truer words have never been spoken.


Me: BW, 35
Him: WH, 36
3 kids
DDay: 8.31.09
Forget about your house of cards- Radiohead


Posts: 179 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: LA
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)

WORD.

Half tempted to email it to the OW...just in case she was wondering.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 33 - Yikes!


Posts: 21348 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
HockeyNut
Member
Member # 25915
Content  Posted: 10:35 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much!! Made my week!!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2009
HeartbrokeHope32
Member
Member # 17247
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Can i get an AMEN from the choir?!?!?!?!

AMEN!!!


me-29
him-28
Dday-11/07/07
"What lies behind us, and what lies
before us are small matters
compared to what lies within us."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Posts: 4179 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: NH
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)

It really is about the ego thing. OW is not better looking than me. WH said she is frumpy, but intelligent. Said he thought of her like a "little sister" Bullshit. He like to give her advice. Bullshit. I said well if she is so intelligent then why is she seeking advice from you?


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
kluelesskat
Member
Member # 23552
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Thanks deathbybetrayal. This made my day. Sometime my crazy brain reverts to BS foggy thinking that there had to be something so friggin great about her.

NOT
Some OW, as in my case, are perpetrators who can see an opportunity from a mile away.

I keep telling myself that I am the better person by far. She's a serial cheater who's out for her own.

But thank you for helping BS her remember that this is true.


Me - BS
Him - WS
MOW - Ole fatty w 2 others on the side besides mine and her husband

Posts: 215 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada Eh
Sunflowers
Member
Member # 25960
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Thank you DBB. What a wonderful post. Amen indeed sister.

In my case, my WH affaired down so much, he picked prostitutes... young faceless nothings, human garbage, women who choose to demean themselves and sleep with drunk middle aged men going through depression and crisis. Opportunists. Sad cases. All of them.

My H was just a transaction to them, and they were just another way to anaesthetise the pain of a life he chose not to face at that time. As Buffalo always so eloquently says, it's just fantasy, escape, Disneyland. And nobody wants to stay in Disneyland forever...

My H has emerged from crisis to choose life, and those whores are as meaningless as the empty vodka bottles he discarded along the way.

Power to all the BSs today.


Me BS 44 Him WS 44
Married 4.5yrs
D Day July 09
Now the sun has come out. My H is back to being the man I married. Maybe even better.

Posts: 106 | Registered: Oct 2009
imtrying
Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

This is a really important thing to look at. Thank you for writing it. Sure, it is not true in all cases, of course, but it was true for all of my X's OW.

It used to crush me to think of how I wasn't even good enough to compete with the women he wanted instead- even though they were all pretty sad characters, much worse off then I am.

What he told me himself was that he had come to hate himself so much that he couldn't stand to be around me - I knew him too well, I called him on his BS, I didn't let him get away with it anymore. I expected better of him. They didn't. They were glad to have anything he would offer.

By the way, he also was involved with several prostitutes, who knows how many. The ones I know of are ones he "befriended" - don't know how many he might have rented. I actually got to know a couple of them when we were trying to R.

They weren't human garbage. They were people who had been badly wounded as children - horrific stories of sexual and physical abuse, parents on drugs or drunk, neglect, growing up in a car, never learning to read. For the girls I met, they didn't choose to be prostitutes because they wanted to - they did it out of desperation. Not that this helps, but it is hard for me to think of the women I met as garbage. They were all too human once I got to know them.

My two cents!


Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
On_The_Mend
Member
Member # 24422
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

I echo all the "thank-yous," as I really benefited from this today.

FWH would refer to OW as "such a strong person," but that's a bunch of BS. She's definitely the weak one in the herd, and would even go so far to say so was FWH. They both picked off each other like buzzards.


BW (me) 43
WH 44
DDay May 31, 2009
M 21 yrs
C Three 17, 15, 11
Reconciled? - "I will sing of Your mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy." ~Jars of Clay

"This too shall pass.... like a kidney stone."~Mom


Posts: 343 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: USA
4myheart
Member
Member # 21015
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Wow how true. Even being 1 1/2 year out and completely reconciled that great to hear.


"Have you ever been so lost.... Known the way and still so lost." Katy Perry

Posts: 551 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: I da ho....... no she da ho!!!
Infidelity Pain
New Member
Member # 26197
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Thanks for sharing!


Betrayed fiance 29
Cheater 22
No children involved
relationship 1 year 9 months

Posts: 13 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Here
susiesmomma
Member
Member # 22199
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

I don't agree...I think that it makes us feel better to think that way, but all cases are different (ok, in my WH's case, he also, in my opinion, affaired down, but I don't think so in every case.


sm33


Posts: 379 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: NJ
hopelessromantic
Member
Member # 25415
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Except mine was the other way around, my H was the weakest and SHE sought him out of the crowd. He was needing that ego boost but didn't go looking for it, it found him and he sucked it all up


BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest
Ms.Martha
Member
Member # 23951
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

I am so moved to write on this post. I didn't even finish the last page. SO, I am sure some one already said this, but, I am in the same boat as Alana...

I don't agree, at least not totally. And, what about men? Does that not mean the BS is weak also? That he/she were not strong enough to read the signs before them of an A. That they stay even knowing their WS has betrayed them?

I think it is human nature to want to put someone down. But, can you down someone for believing a man/woman when they say I love you. Or how about when they say my SO is dying of cancer? lol (classic one) Anyway, my point is why try to look at what is better or worse about the OP. Because you will miss the point over and over. It is not a contest. It is a vow. He/she broke the vow. OP is just anyone. Can be a famous actress named Angelina. Or it could be the woman that the Prince of England chose, while cheating on Dianne.

You should not IMO compare yourself to the OP. It's your WS and your R you should concentrate on. If this sounds like a 2x4 then I am sorry.

I feel strongly think that without addressing the real core issues of why someone cheats/cheated, and blaming the OP for being "weak" (although it is not their job to be strong for your marriage) will result in a repeat occurence. lol longwinded. I mean to say unless you are just venting, the focus is in the wrong place.

of course JMO.Ok with that said. I also, thought that the OW was a witch(with a capitol B) and skank and whore

And I always told myself I was better than her. At least the first time

Ok sorry to be so jaded maybe that will change.... But, it's been a few years....


Posts: 172 | Registered: May 2009
owleyes
New Member
Member # 26173
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

This made me feel good too (esp because the OP in my case is 23 to my 42, yow!) but i don't want to think of her as a "whore" or garbage or anything like that. I think she is a kid who made a bad choice. Don't get me wrong--I hate what she did to me. She knew me, had met me, etc. But I do agree that a strong, whole person would never settle for an affair. It isn't honorable, it isn't healthy. It might feel good but it also must feel really bad. I'm never going to be her friend, God no. But the real fault lies with my xWBF. he broke his promise to me. He betrayed me. It's him, not her, I focus the blame on. But thanks for this post because the self esteem does take a hit, am I right? Taking the high road makes us beautiful and stronger.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Nov 2009
mom22kids
Member
Member # 16994
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, November 19th (Thursday)

thank you for this!


You're not having a bad day. You are having a normal BS day. You are fine.

Posts: 1624 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: what's worse than hell?
ArialRose
Member
Member # 24735
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, November 19th (Thursday)

I love this!

Affair down- I agree. I did not have an A with a MM to gain social and financial status. She did, enough said.

As far as placing blame on breaking vows, that was FWS.

2 different topics IMHO.


ArialRose-BS
in our 40's
M 28 years, together 30 years
3 DSs (adult)
D-Day: 3/23/09, Major TT 2/10/10 5/24/10,10/30/10, & 12/12/10.
Inappropriate online conversations on my part- 10/2011

FOR FUCKS SAKE!


Posts: 2165 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: arialrose
Ms.Martha
Member
Member # 23951
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

[This message edited by Ms.Martha at 11:44 PM, November 19th (Thursday)]


Posts: 172 | Registered: May 2009
deathbybetrayal
Member
Member # 22478
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

Ms Martha,
While I understand the pain you are in, please be respectful to the other, hurting wives here.

This post has NOTHING to do with the fact that the blame belongs on the WS - it ALL has to do with the wayward spouse. The blame is entirely on the wayward spouse.

The point of this thread is something that you do not get. That many, if not all betrayed spouses (although this was in support of betrayed wives) take such a hit to their self esteem, as they question if their husband would have not strayed if they had only been prettier, thinner, sexier, smarter, taller, bigger boobs, whatever. We wrestle with those thoughts almost to the point of self destruction.

There are numerous threads about how the wayward husband could have thrown away his wife, his marriage, for some other woman who was in fact, often far less attractive than they are. There are reasons for that. It's not about how the OW looks, it's about feeding something inside of them, most often their own ego.

If you're doing well in the self-esteem area right now, you are to be applauded. Perhaps you can share what it is that gives you the confidence you have in light of what you've been through. Instead of blasting newly betrayed wives, why not share your insight and tips for doing that?

However, I stand firm. If the OW knowingly goes into a relationship with a married man, I AM better than her. At least at that point of her life I am and you will NEVER change my mind about that fact. In fact, I think there are a lot of reformed WW's here on SI who might tell you the same thing - that it was the lowest point of their lives.

If you are offended, you are not forced to read, or respond.

[This message edited by deathbybetrayal at 2:04 PM, November 19th (Thursday)]


Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Jan 2009
deeplysad
Member
Member # 16590
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

Ms Martha
I'm confused,are you truly trying to defend the OW here?

I am not putting all the blame on my H's mistress - it's a 50/50 deal here - but when she decided to spread her legs for a married man, she proved that she is way, way beneath me.

I doubt that my H could have "affaired down" much more than he did. Even if you were to ignore the fact that she looks and acts like a whore, the moment she entered into an affair with a married man, she proved just how far beneath me she is.

The fact that she has never shown one ounce of remorse proves my point.

Quite frankly, you sound as if you could be a former OW, and if that is the case, you do not belong in this forum. JMHO


Me: BW - I'm much too young to feel this damn old
Him: FWH - Midlife crisis with a pathetic porn wannabe
D-Day: August 2004; Lots of false R until February 2005.

It takes all kinds of kinds....Miranda Lambert


Posts: 3386 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: So Calif
HopefulBH
Member
Member # 25757
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

Just to speak up from a guy's point of view, the hit to the self-esteem is just as bad. In the beginning I felt like dirt. I didn't feel adequate enough. It was the first time I had ever experienced infidelity first hand. I felt like a dog that outlived its usefulness and was kicked out of a speeding car to wander the streets while a new puppy took my place. (thankfully I found out later that its not a puppy, it's an older dog that is short, fat and still lives with his parents... that made me feel much better!)

Then I did some reading, and things clicked. I realized although the OM initiated the contact, it was my WW that allowed it to continue. The OM is nothing special, and he's only serving one purpose - temporary escape. I say temporary because the things my WW is trying to escape will follow her, with or without me. He may be her lover, but I am the father of her children and her husband that her loved her faithfully. He can NEVER be any of those things.

Yes, in all ways having an affair is "trading down", because as someone once put it, any one who would have an A with a married person is the worst type of person to begin with.


BH - Mid 30's
WW - Late 20's
Married 4 years, together 6
D-day - 8/09

Hoping someday to R...

For New BS's Strategy Guide: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=323333


Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: US
deeplysad
Member
Member # 16590
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

any one who would have an A with a married person is the worst type of person to begin with

Well said!!!!


Me: BW - I'm much too young to feel this damn old
Him: FWH - Midlife crisis with a pathetic porn wannabe
D-Day: August 2004; Lots of false R until February 2005.

It takes all kinds of kinds....Miranda Lambert


Posts: 3386 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: So Calif
deathbybetrayal
Member
Member # 22478
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

Ms. Martha,
I just pulled this from one of your posts:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324997&HL=23951

I think there are many types of cheaters. I have cheated. I have never cheated since.

This explains your defensiveness - but you do not belong in the JFO thread. At the very least you are a mad hatter. Please refrain from posting here.

[This message edited by deathbybetrayal at 2:54 PM, November 19th (Thursday)]


Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Jan 2009
wannaheal
Member
Member # 23795
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

Thank you so much for posting this! This is exactly what I needed to hear today....

Posts: 654 | Registered: Apr 2009
luvedmypbear
Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

Thank you for sharing this. I have read it often since the first time I saw it and it helps me put the whole A into perspective.

For over 4 months, I have been pretty hard on myself. This mostly comes from the embarassment that I just cannot shake.

1997, my fiance walked into my room and told me he needed a break to figure himself out before the wedding. I believed him. He married a work colleague two months later. I haven't seen him or spoken to him since. We were "in love" and had been together for 5 years. I had no clue.

I heard she worked at the local mall, so I spied on her one day. She was a few in shorter, a few pounds heavier, had slightly lighter eyes and hair than mine and was fine on the eyes, but nothing so terribly special that I could understand why he threw me away.

I was sad, I was hurt. I didn't date anyone for a year. Then, I met someone wonderful and we kissed. I found out the next day that he had a girlfriend. I was horrified and I never spoke to him again.
2 more years went by and I met FWH....we dated for 6 years before marrying.

I have boundaries. I thought my husband did too, but on one particular night, his were weak. MOW had made no secret she had wanted him for years.
He was depressed, drunk and she witnessed an argument between us earlier in the evening. She went in for the kill.

She is decent looking but has nothing on me. I also make more than 100K more than she does and have 3 graduate degrees. I own my own home and vehicles and took care of my husband. She offered none of that, just some mischief in the garage when noone was looking.

While, this post fits for the "affair down" concept,the idea that she was special enough for him to throw his life away for still creeps in sometimes.

When it does, I read your post and it chases the crazy away.

Thank you!


D-Day July 14, 2009
4 kids
BW, 39
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Sep 2009
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 4:18 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

Ms.Martha...

You have a PM.

DBB...so do you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 209847 | Registered: May 2002
lost_in_space
Member
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

Ms Martha -

Anyway, my point is why try to look at what is better or worse about the OP.

It's not about being better or worse then the AP. It is instinct for a BS to take a earth shattering hit to their self-esteem when their spouse has become a WS. We betrayed spouses who have never cheated and can't imagine why the person who swore to honor and cherish us would betray us so horribly.

I mean come on... My WS never wore a ring. Nor did he ever mention he was married.

Maybe that is what your WS did however many WSs, I daresay most, did not do as your H did. Most have OPs who know that the WS is married. It is a sign of poor character, morals, and ethics for any person to have an A with someone knowingly. So for a BS who has never cheated, the AP is an ugly, evil, nasty individual.


Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.


Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

You got to see the new guy my XWW is with now. Lousy job as a doorman in an apartment building. Kissing rich peoples asses for a few bucks here and there. He is D with 2 kids so I am sure he is paying through his ass for them. And here is the kicker he lives with another woman who I am sure is supporting his ass. Maybe I gots to inform her about my XWW


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 6851 | Registered: Nov 2007
Ms.Martha
Member
Member # 23951
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

BS Only

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 4:43 PM, November 19th (Thursday)]


Posts: 172 | Registered: May 2009
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

Wha??? Ms.Martha is a WS or OW? I guess that makes sense...I did get the feeling, Ms.Martha, that you felt the OW had done no wrong to sleep with a married man.

Sigh.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 9045 | Registered: Jan 2008
Neverguessed
Member
Member # 25440
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

Ms. Martha -
Highly supportive PM on its way to you from someone with enough independence to appreciate your insights. Hang in there!


"If you always tell the truth, you'll never have to keep your stories straight."

Posts: 219 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: New York
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 6:42 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

I think I can and others...

The situaion with MsMartha was taken care of...we are not going on a witch hunt.

Get back on topic with this thread.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 209847 | Registered: May 2002
Soggygranola
New Member
Member # 26252
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

This has meant the WORLD to me today. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!


Me 37
Him 37
Married 10 years
He's cheated with the same OW for 7 years
D-Day 11-13-09 (a real hum-dinger of a Friday the 13th)
D-14, D-12, D-8, S-7, D-5
He's out! I feel renewed!!
He was served NYE!! Just waiting for a date!!

Posts: 35 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Northeast
Alana89
Member
Member # 25011
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

I know for a fact that xH has traded down and it has nothing to do with the fact that we were still M when they got together; but has more to do with her betrayal to me as a friend.

Physically, she is heavier, not as pretty, and looks much older, and even smells.

I dealt with the hit to the self esteem and he was with someone like this!!!

BUT!!! The issues I had with low self esteem were not the OW's doing in full. It was about ME. And I could trash talk her till the cows come home but it didn't do a thing to increase my feelings towards myself. I had to let go of the hate and blame I put on them and own up to my own crap. Then and ONLY then did my self esteem start to get stronger. I had to learn to start loving ME again.

I think this is all Ms. Martha was trying to say. She knows, as we all do, the feelings that's prompted this beatifully written post. IMO, she was simply pointing out that while it feels good to read and say, it shouldn't be the main factor in the healing process of ones own self worth. Because it won't help. It could actually reinforce the negative self feelings.


Posts: 334 | Registered: Aug 2009
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

Thank you thank you thank you!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
klsana00
New Member
Member # 26196
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

Wow! Thank you sooooo much for this. My self esteem has really been in the toilet lately but this really spoke to me. Everything you said about the OW is true and more....


Bruised but not Broken
Married for 15 years
3 beautiful kids 14, 11 and 5
OW. Stupid whore nanny.
Many D days
OC Not his fault but want nothing to do with him
FILED!!! 2/6/15

Posts: 16 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: NY
wannaheal
Member
Member # 23795
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, November 20th (Friday)

it shouldn't be the main factor in the healing process of ones own self worth

I think some are taking this post out of context. I don't think it was ever mentioned or intended to be written to be used as one's main focus on healing. As we all know, healing is a step by step process that takes time. And dealing with anger is one of them. As the post addresses "newly betrayed wives", most are surely dealing with lots of anger and hits to self esteem. Letting out anger is a healthy and necessary part of the process so you can move forward. This post is what we need to hear right now. So as a relatively newly betrayed wife, I appreciated this. Eventually, OW won't matter and we will have ourselves to deal with, but for now, OW does matter some and needs to be dealt with in our minds so that we don't shove it under the rug to have it bite us in the ass later...and the WH is an entirely different can of worms. We've got lots to deal with!

And you can start loving yourself while trash talking the OW at the same time.


Posts: 654 | Registered: Apr 2009
newyear
Member
Member # 22713
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, November 20th (Friday)

deathbybetrayal;

Wow !! Thanks for the post. I never look at it that way.

Your post make me feel better.

My WH had sex with a prostitute that is much younger than our daughter,


WH 62--hired the same prostitute during his overseas business trips to Shanghai, China in 6/08 & 12/08
BW 59
M 38 yr
2 daughters 29 & 27--Both are M
DDay 7/08--Took him 6 months to defogged and admitted the A
12/08 --Working very hard on the R

Posts: 1555 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Midwest
BullGirl
Member
Member # 23685
Frustrated  Posted: 1:58 PM, November 20th (Friday)

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. Haven't been here in a while (work is nuts). I needed some inspiration today and this is IT!!!! I feel so, so much better now. (((((((deathbybetrayal)))))


Me: BW, 42
Him: WH, 50
Married 5 years, together for 6
4 legged children (2 boys)
D-Day - 3/23/09
Filed for divorce and looking forward to whatever the future holds.

Posts: 241 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Dallas, TX
deathbybetrayal
Member
Member # 22478
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, November 20th (Friday)

You are welcome.

As a side bar - this was never meant to excuse the behavior of the wayward spouse, or to deflect blame away from them. The original intent was inspired after spending about an hour on the phone with a newly betrayed spouse who was having a difficult time in resolving the issue that the OW was in some way "better than her."

I've seen it so many times (and watched myself do this so I know first hand) that soon after DDay, that the BW is down, on the ground, in a fetal position, experiencing gut-wrenching pain - and then to actually see the OW in person or a photo, and all of the "he threw me away for 'that'????"

They are not looking to "trade up," and more often than not, they don't want to "trade" at all.

It was written for BWs - as I imagine a BH's response might be different. Not that the pain is different, but the self esteem issues of the male ego are different.

Hugs and peace to everyone today who is suffering, in pain, or somewhere else along the path to recovery.

Edited for another stupid typo.

[This message edited by deathbybetrayal at 2:37 PM, November 21st (Saturday)]


Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Jan 2009
Pepper_95
Member
Member # 25858
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, November 20th (Friday)

Another Thank You for this!

Watching my father have multiple A's growing up and seeing some of the OW, I had to wonder WTH he could have been thinking.

Now with my WS, I have been left wondering the same thing. My WS has told me that he has the wife that his co workers dream about (they apparantly tell him how lucky he is). DH has an EA/texting with two people employed at his company, both of whom are just the polar opposite of everything he has ever been interested in. I think he just soaked in the adoration they gave him. Whatever!


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: limbo
ImDone09
New Member
Member # 26156
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, November 20th (Friday)

yeah but what if they don't leave her, and they leave you....what does that say about the BW.


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

Posts: 18 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Illinois
Where2Now
Member
Member # 21701
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, November 20th (Friday)

yeah but what if they don't leave her, and they leave you....what does that say about the BW

ImDone - in my opinion it's saying they both deserve one another. Honestly I'm not trying to be smart here - I see you are a new poster. No BW ever, ever deserves to have to deal with this - they are never responsible for anyone else's poor judgement calls.


Me - 57
WH - 62
D-Day 8/13/08
OW - 28
Married 39 years
D/Day #2 - April 4, 2010 - husband confessed to a couple of times of unprotected sex with a prostitute - just prior to the ambulance coming to the house to take him to the hospital.

Posts: 241 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Colorado
deathbybetrayal
Member
Member # 22478
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, November 20th (Friday)

It says that they are still foggy, perhaps to the point of fucktardation.

Even if they leave, it does NOT mean that they are trading up. For the life of me, I can't imagine why anyone would want a partner they just pulled away from someone else.

For the record, my first husband had an A and left for the OW (9 days after seeing her for the first time since college - we had been married 16 years) and in fact, he married her. She was a total mess. Their marriage was a total shamble. He left her two years later AFTER she ruined his relationship with his children, sucked every penny she could out of him, losing their home, cars, everything including his dignity. Did he trade up just because he married her? I think not. Ask him today and he'll tell you the same thing. We get along quite well now.


Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Jan 2009
ImDone09
New Member
Member # 26156
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, November 20th (Friday)

I asked because I am the one who was screwed over by my husband, he left me and is now with her and she is NASTY! Makes me feel like shit.


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

Posts: 18 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Illinois
foreverchangedwi
Member
Member # 15368
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, November 21st (Saturday)

In my opinion the majority of adultery takes place between people who are morally broken.

There is nothing about a woman or man that will cheat to honor or respect.

Thus the inner fight I have in reconciling with "MY" cheater.
But I have a prior relationship with him. I know that he is remorseful, sorry, ashamed, pissed at himself, most of all, I love him.
Her, I don't owe anything but a bitch-slap.


BW-me
FWH-him
D-Day-1/24/06


The measure of a person is not based upon the words that they speak, but upon the choices that they make- {Borrowed from lieshurt}


Posts: 1557 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
ShatteredAndDone
Member
Member # 26067
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, November 21st (Saturday)

fucktardation

Thank you dbb That is a great word!!

[This message edited by ShatteredAndDone at 1:56 PM, November 21st (Saturday)]


Never make someone your priority, when they only make you an option.
Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Nov 2009
lookslikeaduck
Member
Member # 12103
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, November 26th (Thursday)

bumping


BS oct 2009 ..... never make someone your priority if they only make you a option

Posts: 374 | Registered: Sep 2006
lookslikeaduck
Member
Member # 12103
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, November 30th (Monday)

bumping again just to keep this great post up there


BS oct 2009 ..... never make someone your priority if they only make you a option

Posts: 374 | Registered: Sep 2006
realgood2u
Member
Member # 20940
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, December 5th (Saturday)

bump


http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/187640237.html

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cngsVlG3Z60


Posts: 394 | Registered: Sep 2008
onhold
Member
Member # 17394
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, December 6th (Sunday)

in my case he affaired 15 yrs younger and qualifications and pay higher.

should i feel better or worse? sure i think he affaired down in finding a female with no morals


Posts: 88 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Erurope
2muchhurt
Member
Member # 22071
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, December 6th (Sunday)

Wow!!!..Thanks for the bump and the insight on this one. I never knew how women thought of the OW. It is different for men.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Alabama
invictus
Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, December 6th (Sunday)

Thanks for bumping this -- it really put a few things into perspective for me.

I have never wondered whether OW might be in any way "better" than me, but I did think I wanted to know just WHY this one was "special" enough to end a 31 year marriage. -- bottom line, she wasn't.

My faith, family and friends have helped me through this to the point that I realize I am the special one. I am too special to be cheated on and treated poorly. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed at all the love and support that has been freely given, and I am extremely grateful.

This post drove it home for me.

Now, if the EX will just honor the dissolution that was deemed equitable in court without trying to be "relieved" of any of it... my healing can be completed.

THANK YOU for this post, the responses and the bump up.

"i"


♥ BW m. 31 years - Divorced in 2009. Living in tiny low income apartment, struggling; no car. Barely able to make ends meet. Anybody have a spare miracle?

Posts: 1883 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
Sereneaspiration
Member
Member # 25296
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, December 6th (Sunday)

There are so many wonderful, insightful and helpful posts here at SI but this one in particular is one that really hit home with me and one I definitely needed to read!

Beautiful, brilliant!


Me (BW)-42 yo,EWH - 42yo,DD - 14
DS - 18yo
Married 3/15/92
Ddays: 12/26/1995, October 2008 (EA and sexually explicit emails),4/10/2009 (ONS A), 8/31/2009 (5 year A w/coworker), 10/5/2009 WH broke NC
C Separation
Reconciliation

Posts: 263 | Registered: Aug 2009
simplelife
New Member
Member # 26402
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, December 6th (Sunday)

this is good to read and to constantly remind us of our self-esteem while rebuilding it. THANK YOU SO MUCH deathbybetrayal, i needed that today.

during our initial confrontations, i asked my WH if the OW knew he was married and he said yes. i already told him i knew right then and there i was better than her because there is no way one should get involved with a married person. i told him i was brought up with good breeding and being unscrupulous is not in my dictionary.

if they choose to continue their affair - they deserve each other.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Dec 2009
bbee
Member
Member # 17840
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, December 6th (Sunday)

Thanks for the bump! And thanks, DBB, so much. It's still something I struggle with at times. Yes, she's fourteen years younger than I, prettier, more athletic, more exciting (as in adventurous.) But she is also a mentally and emotionally broken person who went after my husband when she knew full well he was married. She wanted my life. Well she has him, and my house. And I have my self-respect.


This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1


Posts: 6671 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SE US
Murphydog
Member
Member # 26365
Funny  Posted: 11:25 AM, December 6th (Sunday)

THIS ROCKS...Deathbybetrayal, you have articulated this situation beautifully....wow, wow, wow..this is a print out for me


BS-me
FWS - him trying hard to find the man I married

Posts: 80 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From:
heartbroken75
Member
Member # 24311
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, December 6th (Sunday)

Wow, thanks DBB and thanks to everyone for bumping it up.
I really needed to read this today.


BS me:35
FWH him:39
married 15 years, together 16
children 19, 15, 14 & 13
D-day# 1 8/29/08
D-day# 2 9/29/08
D-day# 3 10/15/08
You may regret your silence once, but you will regret your words often.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Texas
flo rida
New Member
Member # 26441
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, December 6th (Sunday)

Girl, I stayed home from church today and received the best sermon from you I have ever heard. Thank you and God bless you.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Dec 2009
Thinking hurts
Member
Member # 20902
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, December 6th (Sunday)

Thanks for the post and thanks for the bump. I have been feeling down lately and don't really know why, just consumed by thoughts of the OW even though things are going great with my FWH. I will keep this and reread it often. It really does fit our situation and I need to remind myself of that. I am the one he chose and he really did throw her under the bus. This post is also helpful for those of us who are still trying to R after a year. Thanks so much.


Me: BS 56, FWH 54
M: 16 years
1 child - 12 y.o boy
DDay: 08/04/08
2nd DDay: 08/15/08 (our anniversary!)
3rd DDay: 9/12/08
In R and steadily getting better.


Happiness is found along the way, not at the end of the road.


Posts: 338 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Co
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, December 6th (Sunday)

So what happens when we catch him with her? Most often he leaves her where he found her, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack – even weaker and more injured than when he found her. She’s worse for the wear. Trust me, it is her self-esteem that is eroded, not ours. After all, she wasn't able to keep him ..how pathetic that she's given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed? Self-esteem erosion 101.

I find it sad that I am relishing a further loss of esteem in another woman. But I do - she imagined herself so special that she could make up for loss of me, his children, his friends, his life. I cannot fathom the dichotomous lack of self-esteem, and arrogance in being a predatory OW; but I can imagine the come-uppance of the rejection, and the fighting off of reality with fantastical and desperate self- delusion, the indignity of fishing trips...it's really sad ...

BUT

And it's grand. Just grand.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
JustKeepSwimmig
Member
Member # 19269
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, December 6th (Sunday)

Thank you for you post DB! Of course I wish I had read that when I first arrived here. But it is just as good now.


Mr. JKS - EA/PA
DDay - April 2008

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Canada
Thinking hurts
Member
Member # 20902
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, December 8th (Tuesday)

I love your wording Edie. It is a quotable quote.


Me: BS 56, FWH 54
M: 16 years
1 child - 12 y.o boy
DDay: 08/04/08
2nd DDay: 08/15/08 (our anniversary!)
3rd DDay: 9/12/08
In R and steadily getting better.


Happiness is found along the way, not at the end of the road.


Posts: 338 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Co
NeverForget
Member
Member # 26311
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, December 8th (Tuesday)

Thank You!!!

I Love This

BUMP


BS, Me, 43
WH, 43
Married 14yrs, Together 19yrs
D-day #1 May 25, 2009
D-day #2 June 21, 2009
11 yr old Son
23 yr old Step Daughter
In Recovery

Posts: 235 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: The South
million tears
Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, December 8th (Tuesday)

I read this almost every day. I so appreciate the poster.


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC. WH just your ordinary asshole.


Posts: 1673 | Registered: Jun 2009
4honeys
New Member
Member # 26452
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, December 8th (Tuesday)

THANK YOU!!! Incredible, you hit it straight on. Every newbie needs to read right away. Should be the home page!!!!! Imediately made me feel better.

Thanks for the HELL YAH!


There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.
- Elie Wiesel

BS-35
WS-37
4 kids: 2,3,7 and 14
D-Day 12-05-09

beginning R


Posts: 15 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Arizona
Hurting_Truth
Member
Member # 23587
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, December 8th (Tuesday)

Ive seen this throughout the years. My uncle, my brother.

I was very young when my uncle left his wonderful wife for a much younger women. But that women wasnt a fraction of his first wife. I was a child and could see the difference.

It is an allusion something like dumbing down on school testing and saying everyone has gotten smarter at test time. Base acceptance standards are lowered so a person can "feel good" about recieving something less than the best.

I watched my brother go through four wives. The first was the best and the last was the worst.

[This message edited by Hurting_Truth at 11:02 PM, December 8th (Tuesday)]


Freedom is just another word for - Nothing Left to Lose..borrowed from yewtree
mstbx has already given everything away there is nothing left for me to lose.

Posts: 278 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
beajus
Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)

Bump for the new people


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Frustrated  Posted: 1:31 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)

That is a wonderful statment .. right up tp the part where he chooses me instead of her.
What happens what do you say when he chooses her ... not me ?
That is my story I fought and am still fighting best I can without being desperate and needy, but he still claims love for her ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
tornandtormented
New Member
Member # 26660
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)

Thank you so much that is exactly the pick me up I needed. Maybe I will get a few hours of sleep tonight after all... the betrayal is only 2 week sold & I am by no means out of the woods yet. Thank you for you insight.


me: BW (35)
him:WH (35)

married 13 years
D-Day: dec 2009


Posts: 21 | Registered: Dec 2009
lemony.2008
Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)

Thanks so much DBB!

The insecure WH, wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to kill. The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Our wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath them, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch?

Yup...couldn't possibly agree more. Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us!


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Inaturmoil
Member
Member # 22526
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)

I never forget th day i contacted her and the first thing she said to me was "It was him he contacted me" As if she had nothing to do with it!
Stepping down to a weak blameshifter is true in my case.

I thank you for this post as i have used over a year trying to figure out why WH's stay with their BS.
This is definately a good reason, they know that if they go then the chances of returning are reduced. They don't dare take that chance.
You are so right these WS's do have an element of weakness. Thinking it was so brave to betray gave them a kick, watching the BS in pain gave them power. Their conscience gave them hell.
Put them into reconcilliation which for many can only be described as purgatory.
Yes, we win but we also have to clean up the mess they left behind. That takes true strength and a whole bucket full of real love.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
Inaturmoil
Member
Member # 22526
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)

I never forget th day i contacted her and the first thing she said to me was "It was him he contacted me" As if she had nothing to do with it!
Stepping down to a weak blameshifter is true in my case.

I thank you for this post as i have used over a year trying to figure out why WH's stay with their BS.
This is definately a good reason, they know that if they go then the chances of returning are reduced. They don't dare take that chance.
You are so right these WS's do have an element of weakness. Thinking it was so brave to betray gave them a kick, watching the BS in pain gave them power. Their conscience gave them hell.
Put them into reconcilliation which for many can only be described as purgatory.
Yes, we win but we also have to clean up the mess they left behind. That takes true strength and a whole bucket full of real love.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
moonchild53
Member
Member # 26620
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)

Wow, this is so true! The woman my SO fooled around with is trashy, not even pretty, I found her on Facebook and on another website she created, she's horrible! I asked him why would he even allow such a woman to touch him and he couldn't answer. I also insisted he get tested for stds right away, because judging from her website she gets around!

I suppose there is comfort in the fact that we are all the stronger, more beautiful/handsome ones! It still hurts though!


Posts: 187 | Registered: Dec 2009
Postpartum Pain
Member
Member # 26524
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)

Just wanted to say thank you to DBB. I'm only 5 days post DDay and while this made me sob, I needed to hear it. Thank you. Also, I *LOVE* your siggy


BW-28(me) WH-33(him)
3 amazing children- 11yoDS, 6yoDS, 2yoDD
Together 12Y; Married 7Y
DDay#1- 12/10/09- 3 month EA/PA with our banker.
DDay#2 1/4/10- earlier 3 month EA OW#2
R'ing

Posts: 171 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: State of Confusion
lookslikeaduck
Member
Member # 12103
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)

bump


BS oct 2009 ..... never make someone your priority if they only make you a option

Posts: 374 | Registered: Sep 2006
beajus
Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, January 6th (Wednesday)

Bump :)


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
btrayedbyhim
Member
Member # 26941
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, January 6th (Wednesday)

You know...I wondered why my WH went for a fat (she weighs 100 pounds more than me according to her BH), lazy (she does nothing all day but ignore her children and post on FB, etc.), psycho (she lives in internet fantasy land), ambitiousless (she never had a job-I have my own company) skanky MOW. I actually worried "what does she have that I don't"?

NOTHING!

GREAT POST! Almost makes you feel sorry for her...NOT!!!!!!!!!!!


As of Dec 2009:
Me: BS46
Him: FWH39 - NPD
Married: 20+ years
Kids: 3
D-Day: 9-28-09
Spent 4 yrs trying. He blew it.
Arrested for DV: 9-6-13
Fuck Him

Posts: 397 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: an island at the beach (aka heaven)
philly172
Member
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, January 6th (Wednesday)

Wow! just wow! so very powerful & so true in my situation..

thanks for posting


"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4871 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
messedup12/1
New Member
Member # 26850
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, January 7th (Thursday)

Thank you that was a great post!
I felt that way in the beginning as well-for a minute- but she is not as pretty, not nearly as smart and has nothing to offer my wh besides 3 kids that are not his. I had met her and talked to her and quickly decided she was trashy before any of this happened. Now i know it...and I can easily go on without WH if i choose. I will lose nothing, not my home, not my lifestyle, nothing besides him. Both of them are such broken people IMHO.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Dec 2009
Illinoisgirl
Member
Member # 25686
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, January 7th (Thursday)

Shortly after d-day I went to OW's work to see what she looked like. She was alright looking but nothing special. I could never quite understand why he would be willing to risk it all for her.

Now reading your post, it makes much more sense. It could have been anyone, she was just convenient. It wasn't really about her, it was something broken within him.

I'm definitely adding this one to my journal...Thank you dbb!


Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
Reconciling?
D-Day 9-27-09
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt


Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2009
loststar2500
Member
Member # 26420
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, January 7th (Thursday)

inspiring, thank you


The sun should not set upon our anger; neither should he rise upon our confidence. We should forgive freely, but forget rarely. I will not be revenged, and this I owe to my enemy; but I will remember, and this I owe to myself. - Charles Caleb Colton

Posts: 88 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Canada
renee21
Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, January 7th (Thursday)

Thank you...we all need to hear that....and yes my WH picked the desperate party girl/single mom (average looks and not the type that he could bring home to mom), the desperate somewhat chunky career girl and the younger airhead with no self esteem or backbone...none of these women were super attractive...so I can attest to they don't go for the prize, they go for whoever is stupid enough to participate.....I am assuming my role at the front of the pack because I know I am a rare gem as far as a wife is concerned....Thank you again for that post....


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1327 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
Gofigure
New Member
Member # 27085
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, January 7th (Thursday)

That is exactly what I told my WH. OW was someone from his job. I know her. I know that she is nothing but trash. She had no problem letting that be known. I can not tell you how many work functions that we went to (before A started), where she brought the guy that she picked up from the bar the night before. At one function her stellar date was sitting next to me, and started blowing in MY ear!! TRASH, TRASH, TRASH! WH eventually admitted that was probably why he sought her out. He knew she was easy.

I know that on my worst day, I am 1000x's better than her on her best.


Above else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jan 2010
sad&scared
Member
Member # 23401
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, January 7th (Thursday)

After all, she wasn't able to keep him even considering he was in a "loveless, sexless" marriage to a "cold-hearten woman."

This is just what I needed today...true my sneaky H kept sneaking back but he is still here (for now)!



Posts: 654 | Registered: Mar 2009
ohsolost
Member
Member # 10330
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, January 7th (Thursday)

This is very good, and I wish I had read it after the first DDay. Later I found out that OW1 preyed on married men, she was older and not very attractive. But she had been "abused" and it was x's responsibility to save her.

Enter OW2, she was also "abused" and weak. xWH even cheated on HER, but they are still together, because she didn't let him go, and he probably looks at her as being the brave one who rode through his A...it'll happen again...and I don't have to worry about it!


BS-me 41 WH-him 45
Married 20 yrs, together 22 yrs
3 beautiful kids 16, 13, 9
DDay 4/5/06
DDay#2 12/3/07(OW#2)
Filed D 6/1/09
D final 11/3/09
9/10/11 Dating and enjoying life
4/7/12 Been with Fireman 7 months and going strong :~)

Posts: 2861 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Idaho
BigTexN
Member
Member # 24414
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, January 7th (Thursday)

The point of this thread is something that you do not get. That many, if not all betrayed spouses (although this was in support of betrayed wives) take such a hit to their self esteem, as they question if their husband would have not strayed if they had only been prettier, thinner, sexier, smarter, taller, bigger boobs, whatever. We wrestle with those thoughts almost to the point of self destruction.

DB, as a BH, I can tell you that I experienced some of these same insecurities myself but from a male standpoint.

I questioned my looks but, most of all, I questioned my status as a good provider to my family. If my business hadn't turned down, would she have wandered? If I had so much money in reserve that we weren't hurt when she lost her job, might she have stayed true?

But, the truth that I discovered about each of the OM in my situation was that they were worse off financially than me. A couple of them were mortgage brokers for Countrywide...the mortgage company that was a catalyst for the crisis we are in.

BW and BH have the same types of questions about themselves...just from different core gender perspectives.


BS(me) - 42
WS(her) - 37
A - Over 9mos, 20 OM total
M - 4.5 yrs May 5th
OM - 20 men over 9mos 3 are married. 8 were old HS friends, 1 a friend of her ex-husband, 10 former coworkers and 1 she met in a bar
D-day - May 18, 2009
Children - 1 w

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: The Woodlands, TX
Caston
Member
Member # 26175
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, January 7th (Thursday)

I absolutely love this....I have loved it since the first time I read it and printed it out. It is more than accurate in my situation with all four ow. I have even thought about mailing to the other women just to make sure they knew where they stood, but I think they already know.

THANKS!!!!!


BS (me) - 33
WH (him) - 31
Married 11 Years
1S and 1D
DDay - 8/31/09

Posts: 59 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: AZ
wewillsurvive
Member
Member # 26778
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, January 7th (Thursday)

Thank you. I really needed this today. It has made my day brighter seeing it worded this way


Me-BS_28
Him FWH-31
Married 9yrs together 11
3 beautiful girls
D-Day 4-29-09
Ring since 4-30-2009

Sometimes I don't think we realize what we have in life till its gone, almost gone, or someone tries to take it from us.


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: CO
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, January 7th (Thursday)

Yep, I noticed this too. I know OW and I also know I'm the better pick. In fact, me and two of my friends keep saying it would serve him right to get stuck with her.

My WH OW is married to, and I'd say my WH is "affairing down" for her too. Her husband is awesome. Believe me, I wish feelings and love didn't work quite the way they do, because her BH and I would probably be better off if we all just played musical spouses, LOL.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ichoose2live
Member
Member # 10479
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, January 7th (Thursday)

WOW! You are spot on with everything you said dbb! I think we all need to print this out and read it when we start to doubt ourselves and have self esteem issues. Thank you for your great insights.


"Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear." unknown

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Paradise Lost!
italianfireball
Member
Member # 25432
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, January 7th (Thursday)

I'm bookmarking this post!
Thank you!
You made me feel like the beautiful, awesome, strong, empowered woman that I knew I was before this affair


BS/(me) 36
WH/(alphadon1) 38
Dday 8/18/09
SAHM (8,11,16 special needs,17)& an 19yr old that is out of the house.
together 14, married 9
‎"Not all scars show, not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feels

Posts: 308 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Winter Haven, FL
jdptx
Member
Member # 26395
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, January 7th (Thursday)

This is the 2nd time I've read this and it's like reading it for the first time. I definitely need to read this more often.

But why do I feel the urge to send it to OW? I won't, of course, but it would be nice for me to let her know what she really is! Thanks for bumping!


BW - 38
WH - 43
D Day 11/25/09
Together 5 Married 2
Lord be with me, Trying to R
Beautiful Baby Girl with H
Amazing 15 year old boy

"Not every saint is a fool." - Poe


Posts: 85 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Texas
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, January 8th (Friday)

bump


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, January 9th (Saturday)

bump


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
foreverchangedwi
Member
Member # 15368
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, January 10th (Sunday)

yeah but what if they don't leave her, and they leave you....what does that say about the BW.

No one deserves to be cheated on. That is NOT how you handle issues or how to end a relationship. That said, people don't always do the right thing, behave the right way.

Some WS's leave because they feel so ashamed and KNOW they don't deserve us. Some leave because they are too lazy (hence the cheating) to work on the marriage, and sadly, some leave because they fall in love with someone else.

As bad as it hurts, who would want someone that wasn't committed to them! I know I wouldn't.

If your WS/SO leaves you for the OW/OM, know that they will never trust each other completely. And that's something to about.


BW-me
FWH-him
D-Day-1/24/06


The measure of a person is not based upon the words that they speak, but upon the choices that they make- {Borrowed from lieshurt}


Posts: 1557 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
loststar2500
Member
Member # 26420
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, January 10th (Sunday)

so true on every level. I read everyday and copied it to my journal. A great pick me up when you are feeling down. In my case also it was a very trashy woman. The act happened in the back of a vehicle with my H and ow, he should have just paid her. Only whores or hookers work from the back of a vehicle. I also feel sorry for this OW. I mean how low can your self esteem be to go after a married man and then screw him in the back of a vehicle. I now know after many weeks of being heartbroken about this that on my worst days I am a million times better than that piece of trash.


The sun should not set upon our anger; neither should he rise upon our confidence. We should forgive freely, but forget rarely. I will not be revenged, and this I owe to my enemy; but I will remember, and this I owe to myself. - Charles Caleb Colton

Posts: 88 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Canada
devastatedmomof2
Member
Member # 27119
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, January 10th (Sunday)

Wow! Is this ever powerful. Thank you for this much needed wake up call. Every word of it is true!


Me - BS - 40
Him - WH - 43
Married 17 yrs.
2 sons - 8 and 4
Dday#1 - 06/03/06 - EA and PA with coworker
D-week#2(TT) - 12/28/09-01/01/10 -A2 with same coworker
Dday#3 2/16/10 - found out about EA/kisses with different coworker in 2001

Posts: 192 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: North Carolina
fumotheroftwo
Member
Member # 25815
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, January 12th (Tuesday)

Because this deserves to be on the very top and first page.....


Me BS : 46 yrs old
Him WS: 47 yrs old
Married: 20 yrs
2 children ages 16 & 12
D Day 8/29/2009
Currently on R but struggling.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2009
ladystyx41
New Member
Member # 27066
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, January 12th (Tuesday)

This is my first post & after reading your post, deathbybetrayal you have made my day! This is soooo true. The OW in my situation tried to make me feel like the low esteem, heartless, manipulative, (insert any negative adjective you can imagine)person. In the past year she has lost custody of her child over this, lost her rented house (that both her & WS signed lease on), tried to commit suicide 3 times, has done everything in her power to make me look & feel horrible. Ironically after reading your post I honestly believe she was feeling this way about herself & used me as the scapegoat for the horrible feelings she felt about herself! Yuk one messed up scanky, broad!

[This message edited by ladystyx41 at 9:34 AM, January 12th (Tuesday)]


BS 47
WS 49
married 25 years
EA 1998(WS doesnt admit it was A)
EMA 2004 or 2005 to ?
possible other A
Actual D-day Dec. 2008
Still confused on what to do!

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: missouri
WheredoIgonow
Member
Member # 27130
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, January 12th (Tuesday)

You are right own. It was devasting when I found out. My usual high self esteem was shattered.

The more I found out - the more I see what you said. She was on her third divorce when she sunk her claws in desparation into my WH - and he ate it up. She was pressuring him to move in with her after just 4 months. He almost did.

What kind of person would pressure a married man of 25 years with young children - after just 4 months?? Oh yeah, the low end of the weak minded. A broken thrice-divorced woman. Wow.

He's learning now too - that maybe she wasn't so great.

Thank you.


Me; BS (57)
Him: WS (59)
Married 32 years
DD-30, DS-29, DS-20, DS-19
OW#1 - PA - 4 1/2 years.

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jan 2010
Illinoisgirl
Member
Member # 25686
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, January 14th (Thursday)

bump


Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
Reconciling?
D-Day 9-27-09
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt


Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2009
StunnedNShocked
Member
Member # 26987
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, January 14th (Thursday)

bumped again


BS (me) 40
WS 38
DDay 11/27/09
Wading deep into the R waters and feeling relieved the roller coaster seems to have evened out some.

Posts: 492 | Registered: Dec 2009
acalsup
Member
Member # 26748
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, January 14th (Thursday)

Married OM was 18 years older than me. WW wasn't physically attracted, but he fed her ego and she let him. she had a PA in hopes finding the physical attraction, she was addicted to the EA and thought if the EA was so good, the PA would be too. WW traded down many levels, like so many others on this board.


Me (H, BS) 39
W 38
Together 20 years
Married 15 years
D 10 yrs
EA started 12/07
EA firm 9/08
PA 11/08 – 12/08
D-Day 2/15/09
Second D-day on untruths 8/15/09

Posts: 62 | Registered: Dec 2009
Tryin2010
Member
Member # 27216
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, January 17th (Sunday)

Thank you so much for this - I printed it, and all the replies to date. You have no idea how much this post helped me! And yes, she is younger, but no where nicer looking about 75lbs more than me, extremely needy, a slut (she meets men in parking lots off of the internet - where she found my H) and all in all trash. And yes, he admitted it was an ego boost to him, but how much of an ego boost can it be or has he just not realized that he chose the bottom of the heap? I hope he will come to realize it soon, he is back here, and has had NC even though she's been trying all kinds of ways - and even through his family. He says he tries to think of the 'bad stuff' but he wishes he would have left at a low point instead of things going 'fine' how could they have been going fine? He lived with her 3 months, complained that she wasn't smart, had no mind of her own, would even say when they went out to eat, she'd always have what ever he was having, watched stupid tv shows that bored him to tears and in those 3 months, walked out on her 4 times and threatened more than that. So why is he so defensive about her? He says because he takes it as an insult that "HIS CHOICE" was not a good one. He didn't even ask her to move in with him, she tossed her kids, pets and home and just did it. The same way she abandoned her life to drive an hour to take her clothes off and 'do' him at the drop of a hat or less several times a week. I don't get it. And with all she is putting me through with tampering with things to drive me crazy, and keep in touch with his relatives, he trys to tell me 'try to understand' she's probably hurt and not real smart.... UGH!! Makes me crazy!!!!!!!!! And he wishes under different circumstances we all could have been friends!!???? OH PULEEEEEZEE


Mom of 5 - yours mine and ours
Together 16 years
His A 9 months before I found out on 5/09 and locked him out
Reconciliation 9/09
Still 'Tryin' to move on
Therapy weekly!

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: New York
Ketta
Member
Member # 26744
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, January 17th (Sunday)

That was beautiful DB!

Thank you, for making one of those bad days, not feel so bad.


BS=Me (27)
WS=Him (25)
M 3 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple EA's
1 known PA??
D Day 9/13/09
Working on R, but still not sure.

Posts: 100 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: The South
wiserinsocal
Member
Member # 18487
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, January 17th (Sunday)

Please add to this thread one very simple thought...It happens to be the WW who fits this bill as well...many a BH here who feel very much the same way when turned around.

Peace to ALL here who seek it.
W


"It's the intangibles that are fragile"- WiserinSoCal

"The Main things are the plain things, and the Plain things are the main things" - Alistair Begg

Every one needs to believe in something, or they will fall for anything...


Posts: 1802 | Registered: Mar 2008
deathbybetrayal
Member
Member # 22478
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 17th (Sunday)

Oh wiser - I know it's so often true with either sex.


There are just so many BW's here - guess I tend to relate a little more to their pain. But, it has to be just as disgusting and disheartening for a BH to see how low their WW will go in order to make themselves "feel better."

Courage and strength to all BSs today!

DBB


Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Jan 2009
quirkina
Member
Member # 22119
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, January 18th (Monday)

Agree....My IC said "well water finds its own level--and maybe he has found his.

OW is a "dancer" who gives her phone number out to married men with KISA issues and then has to listen to them whine to her 24/7 while she pumps up their pathetic egos. My fantasy is to watch my WH face when he finds out that he is not her only.


Posts: 402 | Registered: Dec 2008
Plum
New Member
Member # 27283
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, January 19th (Tuesday)

This is my first post. I read this and I dont feel any better.

Reason: Why should be have to belittle the OW when we should never have been cheated on...

[This message edited by Plum at 9:05 AM, January 20th (Wednesday)]


BS: Me (33)
WS: Him (33)
M: 7 years, 3 kids
EA: 2006 - 2010
DDay: 7 January 2010
OW: Whore co-worker
Reconciling: 22 Jan '10

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: South Africa
newyear
Member
Member # 22713
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, January 19th (Tuesday)

deathbybetrayal:

Thanks for that post. That makes me feel better.

My FWH used the same prostitute during his overseas business trips. A 30 year younger person than me. That really hurts.

I still wonder why WS would do such things to the ones they love??

Have a beautiful day.


WH 62--hired the same prostitute during his overseas business trips to Shanghai, China in 6/08 & 12/08
BW 59
M 38 yr
2 daughters 29 & 27--Both are M
DDay 7/08--Took him 6 months to defogged and admitted the A
12/08 --Working very hard on the R

Posts: 1555 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Midwest
courage17
New Member
Member # 27171
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, January 19th (Tuesday)

OH MY! wow! this is brilliant. OW here is oh my gosh - low. deals drugs- gave my H pills- looks? im not a beauty queen but next to her- i am. OW is how i found out. he threatened to turn her in to police for tellin. i needed this too! thank you!


WH 38
BW 34
M 3 yrs together 6
Dday EA Aug 12 2009
Dday PA Nov 7 2009
If the one that loves you is not supportive of who you are, what you need, and helping you heal from damage they did, then where is the love?

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: TN
courage17
New Member
Member # 27171
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, January 19th (Tuesday)

OH MY! wow! this is brilliant. OW here is oh my gosh - low. deals drugs- gave my H pills- looks? im not a beauty queen but next to her- i am. OW is how i found out. he threatened to turn her in to police for tellin. i needed this too! thank you!


WH 38
BW 34
M 3 yrs together 6
Dday EA Aug 12 2009
Dday PA Nov 7 2009
If the one that loves you is not supportive of who you are, what you need, and helping you heal from damage they did, then where is the love?

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: TN
Amandilla
Member
Member # 20347
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, January 19th (Tuesday)

Thanks! I copied that to a word to save for my files! Im considering sending it to OW!


Me: BW:47
HIM:WS:39 in treatment for SA
Married 16 years
several ONS
internet flirting
1 year long distance E/PA
1 beautiful son
DD1 7/14/08 False R
DD2 8/9/08 OW exposed False R which ended A. Thanks Jen!
Our new love story in progress

Posts: 503 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: East Coast
timewilltellUK
Member
Member # 21760
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, January 20th (Wednesday)

Bumping this one up for painpaingoaway!


Me - BS 36
Him - WS 35
D-Day 23rd October 2008
Together 7 years
DD 1 - 12
DD 2 - 5

The Truth Hurts and Lies Worse
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much. I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay. - James Morrison


Posts: 228 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: timewilltellUK
TwistedUp
Member
Member # 27294
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, January 20th (Wednesday)

I needed to read/hear this desperately.

Thank you very much for taking the time to break it down. Though I know you are right, it's tough to remember.

Love & Light to all.


Me: 37
fWH: 39- Almost a ONS, but I caught him red-handed.
D-Day: July 2009.
In active and so far successful R.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jan 2010
appleofmyeyes
Member
Member # 25708
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, January 20th (Wednesday)

Thank you....better then my IC, gosh I guess I need a new one

One was more successful and younger then me, one was better at sex then me, one was prettier then me.

He is still here with his tail between his legs.


Posts: 74 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: OC
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, January 20th (Wednesday)

You know....even tho my wh is finished with her (I think I finally have that confirmation), I truely want to take Deathbybetrayal's original post and a)send it to his xwhore and b) publish it in the local paper dedicated to all involved (to give strength to bs's; explain to ow what their realities are; ws...you're damd lucky to have us....

My husband....well, he says the stupidest crap sometimes. Or he will try and compliment me and it comes out like pure crap, but he said the other night (and a few times before) that if she is so much better than I, then why is he here? Like DBB wrote, she might be thinner and have a better body (I turned into Orca...ooopps here comes the fisher man with his harpoon ....sorry, if I can't laugh at myself, then life is too sour) but she couldn't keep him. NOt with her money, her illicet photos and videos (which she did out of luv ), her fake generosity (bbf's mom even warned me it was fake)...she just couldn't keep him. Or if it was she who dumped him, she couldn't have him all to herself. Either way, she wasn't woman enough.


Time to be my own bff.

Posts: 9309 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: NJ
ob-la-de
Member
Member # 23735
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, January 23rd (Saturday)

bumping for newbies


Time will tell

Posts: 958 | Registered: Apr 2009
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, January 23rd (Saturday)

it was an ego boost to him, but how much of an ego boost can it be or has he just not realized that he chose the bottom of the heap? I hope he will come to realize it soon

WOW, yes, yes yes. This resonated with me. I wonder if this is why H doesnt want anyone to find out about the affair? he is lying to everyone, no one but me knows he moved out & in w/ her. Probably b/c everyone told him what trash she was when he first left for her.


Posts: 2115 | Registered: Jan 2010
hope2laughagain
Member
Member # 18364
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, January 23rd (Saturday)

Really great post. I think you have hit the nail on the head. It is the reality for so many.


"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

ME(BS)- H(WS)
Married:8 years
EA:May 07-PA:July 07 (w/co-worker)
Recovered


Posts: 667 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: California
ob-la-de
Member
Member # 23735
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, January 26th (Tuesday)

bumping for newbies


Time will tell

Posts: 958 | Registered: Apr 2009
HeCheats
Member
Member # 27278
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, January 26th (Tuesday)

Dear Deathbybetrayal,

Thank you for this. I am printing it out and sticking it on my board to remind myself I am not the worst wife, mother, person in the world because my WH is having an affair. HUGS to you


A lying, cheating husband that leaves is God's way of saving a good woman from a complete asshole while she still has time to live her life!!! - A wise SIer

Me-BW 43
Him-WZ (that's Zombie)51
DD23, DS16
Dday 1 10/28/09
Dday 2 11/5/09


Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2010
momoffive
Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, January 27th (Wednesday)

THANK YOU! I printed it to keep it with me and everytime I think of her or see her, I can read your post and remember how it "really is"


BW 46, SAWH 47(sorry1),M27 yrs
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4, Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA in 2001 OW1, kissing in 2007 OW2
Dday6 7/11/16 EA OW6

Posts: 1130 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, January 27th (Wednesday)

What’s is attractive about the OW is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure WH, wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to kill. The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Our wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath them, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch?


I asked H what did he get out of having his A and this is pretty much what H wrote me in a letter not long after dday.

He did not want anyone to know that he messed around with her.


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3705 | Registered: Feb 2007
I_win_either_way
New Member
Member # 27377
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, January 27th (Wednesday)

Thank you very much for your post. It meant the world to me


Me~ 24
Him~28

Married 3 years

DDay~ Oct 18 2009
DDay2~ Nov 10 2009
DDay3~ Jan 26 2010


Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Austin, TX
Princess75
New Member
Member # 23000
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, January 27th (Wednesday)

This was so great to see! You said it so well!!! Even almost a year later I still wonder why she was so ugly and how could he be with HER. I have printed it also to remind myself of the trash she is and how much I am not! Thank you!


Me- 34
WH- 39
4 kids- my son- 13, his two daughters 18 & 13, and our daughter-2
D-Day Feb. 14, 2009

Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Orange
crushed again
Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, January 28th (Thursday)

Thank-you. I REALLY needed this today. Walking around all day thinking about how skank OW got/gets more respect from WH than his own family. I'm having a very LOW day .
Tomorrow will be better I know but days like today are a real kick in the teeth.


Permanent S 5/2014 Court hearing (1st of many) Dec 2014 ~I will follow the path the Lord has for me - Faithfully!I'm a happy idiot!!;)

Posts: 723 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!Still dreaming.....
greenirisheyes
Member
Member # 7983
Cool  Posted: 4:20 PM, January 28th (Thursday)

Inaturmoil said:
I thank you for this post as i have used over a year trying to figure out why WH's stay with their BS.
This is definately a good reason, they know that if they go then the chances of returning are reduced. They don't dare take that chance.

You are dead on in my case. I kicked my husband out the night I caught him at the skank's house, expecting him (and not caring) to turn right around and go back to her place. Instead, he spent the night at his mother's house. I didn't know this for several months as I refused to speak with him, but was shocked to find out that he had broken things off with her the next day. When I asked him why, he said he knew at the moment he got caught that he didn't want to be with her long term and that if he went back to her house, he'd have no chance of reconciling with me. Well, duh. I still didn't let him move back home for a year.

And for the person who felt guilty wishing ill on a skank, don't sweat it. There are plenty of other people more deserving of your concern.

[This message edited by greenirisheyes at 4:31 PM, January 28th (Thursday)]


Reconciled since 10/2002
Married 40 years - 2015!
We're better then ever, but I won't be sending the skank a thank you card.

“We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin.” ~André


Posts: 361 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Mid-Atlantic Coast
FrustratedAgain
New Member
Member # 27364
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, February 2nd (Tuesday)

In all my searching about why men (and women) cheat I came across this short list about the consequences of having an affair in a mens magazine. I found this part pretty interesting. Remember this is from a mans perspective. Sure it is probably a little skewed since they want to look good to any women who may be reading but still, I think it is something all men should think about.

"If a woman who knows you're spoken for comes on to you, it's flattering. It's tempting. But remember that she's doing it to feed her own ego, not yours. She wants to see how much power she holds over you. And if you take her bait, she then knows she must be superior in every way to your sweetie. Deep down, she has nothing but contempt for both your male weakness and your mate's existence. That should really piss you off."

and here is another point made on that list.

"You're about to be with the kind of woman who wants to be with the kind of man who would cheat on a woman."

As much as they may not listen to their own advice, they are right. These women are just looking for a man they can control in some way to make themselves feel good about themselves. They are weak and desperate to find someone to make them feel strong. Another part of their desire to feel strong is to feel like they beat out the other spouse by hooking a taken man, they are so much better then that spouse because they could make that man stray for them. They are weak minded horrible people that need other people to validate their existence.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2010
deathbybetrayal
Member
Member # 22478
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday)

Frustrated Again - I totally agree it happens both ways.

It's about the worst thing one human can do to another - use them as a "love object" in order to satisfy their own selfishness or boost their ego. How humiliating for the AP - whichever side they are on.

DBB


Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Jan 2009
FrustratedAgain
New Member
Member # 27364
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday)

I know that the OP has to have issues deep down that would allow them to do such a thing to another person. I just wish they would find some other way to stroke their egos then ruin my life and the lives of all the other women and men on here and everywhere else. No matter if you stay or go you are left with the thoughts of why me, what could I have changed, what makes me the kind of person to get cheated on. I'm sure it fades but it is always there.

Whether they affair up or down doesn't change the fact that they had the affair.

As much as I want to hate the woman...oh and I do, I feel sorry for her because I know she must somewhere in there hate herself and her life. Why else is she trying to steal mine.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2010
BEWILDERED9379
Member
Member # 27295
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)

What a great post!! Hats off to you!!


BEWILDERED9379

Posts: 115 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: MINNESOTA
ntgvngup218
Member
Member # 26882
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)

WOW. Thank you. I see a lot of things differently now. I really needed that. OWs H left her for another woman, then AS the OW she got left again! And I thought I felt rejection....never thought if it that way...thank you!!


"The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming"

Posts: 696 | Registered: Dec 2009
Valleywoman
Member
Member # 22841
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)

OMG. I didn't read all the replies only because I didn't have time.

You are exactly what I needed today. Thank you for this.


Me: 59
FWH: 60
Married 41 years, together 44
11-08 Saw homemade dvd starring FWH
2/09 found obit of 2nd woman (coworker) naming my FWH as 'love of her life'.
9-20-09 found 2nd dvd. working on 2nd reconciliation. Go ahead, kill me now.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
betrayednewmommy
Member
Member # 27444
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)

This has lifted my spirits more than I could have ever imagined. Thank you for your thoughtful words - words that can only be spoken by someone that has lived through the hell that I now call reality. Thank you.


BW-35(me)
STBXWH-36(him) - "Duck Yard"
M 8yrs - DSS (8), DD (5)
D-Day #1 01/18/10 EA/PA 3mos
D-Day #2 07/08/14 2 new EAs and drunken bender that nearly killed him in front of DSS
I AM DONE!! Filing for divorce 07/2014

Posts: 138 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Louisiana
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, March 2nd (Tuesday)

Bumping for new members


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, March 2nd (Tuesday)

This also fits from the other side, my WW was a damaged person unwilling to deal with her or our problems. He reguarly goomed the women working at the agency where he was on the board, when my WW showed up it was almost an instant hook-up. He told her how she was wonderful and I and everyone else were so mean and unappreciative.


LTA FBS
dday 10.5.09
Divorced

Posts: 4173 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, March 20th (Saturday)

Bumping for those struggling.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs or maybe 7yrs.
Me: BS, still young. Him, WS, old
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee stalker.
4 grown boys, one still at uni.
"There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after."

Posts: 3871 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
selkiescot
Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, March 20th (Saturday)

IN a word. Profound I am showing my WH TONIGHT!


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
IStillLoveHim
Member
Member # 8415
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, March 20th (Saturday)

The day I came to realize this was my second epiphany. The first one was that the A was not my fault, that I did not cause it, could not control it, that it really had absolutely nothing to do with me.

Great post...!


“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” -Ben Okri

Posts: 172 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Midwest
openedupmyeyes
Member
Member # 27871
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, March 20th (Saturday)

"BRAVA!!!!"
THIS NEEDS TO BE POSTED @ THE TOP!!! I'M GOING TO READ AND REMEMBER THIS EVERYDAY!!!


Me:55 BS
Him:55 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:37
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 770 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
mamab
Member
Member # 24393
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, March 20th (Saturday)

I just printed this and will keep it to read when I'm feeling down. So true, who else would take a married man, only someone with very low standards.


BS (Me) 47
WH 48 SA,
DD # 1 12/06
DD # 2 6/1/07
MOW fishing 2/14/10 & 9/23/10
MOW highschool gf (ho)

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Texas
moreroses
Member
Member # 26283
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, March 20th (Saturday)

Yes, this is how it was in our case.


BW;Me
DDay;2-14-08 when former ow decided to enlighten me about previous A
marriage rebuilt, felt rebuilt at 2 1/2 yrs out
long marriage with 4 kids

"And the stars that we could reach were just starfish on the beach"-French folksong


Posts: 1399 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Northeast
RescueMomma
New Member
Member # 27984
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, March 20th (Saturday)

Nothing has made me feel any better...until I read this!

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2010
AlwaysSmilingNow
New Member
Member # 27997
Content  Posted: 7:31 PM, March 20th (Saturday)

Thank You so much "deathbybetrayal". I know that I needed to here what you posted and I know it to be absolutely true. Thanks again...

Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2010
Rise And Shine
Member
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, March 20th (Saturday)

Brilliant. Thank you.


April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
njgal480
Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, March 20th (Saturday)

I've read this before but it always makes me feel better.

I often fall into the trap of feeling less than and giving way too much power to the MOW serial cheater loser.
My husband did drop her the minute I discovered the affair, all of her former married co-worker affair partners did the same thing-dropped her and never looked back, her husband finally divorced her....so, why do I allow myself to continue to feel bad about myself? The MOW is the one that should be feeling bad...
What you have written is the absolute truth.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3174 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, March 20th (Saturday)

I found this site five days ago. Wish I'd found it two months ago because this would have been as uplifting then as it is now.

Been having a very bad day and this has helped. :)


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
TryingMyHardest
Member
Member # 27168
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, March 21st (Sunday)

Hey, yeah, just in case somebody wants to see this, my WW was also an OW (says she didn't know until his wife called me) and she's really pretty, but at the time she was a drug addict with about half a normal brain who (according to her) lost consciousness during sex. So DBB has a fine point, based on my anecdotal evidence.


Married 2006
2 kids, 4yo
D-Day 1: December 30th 2009
D-Day 2: 2/1/11
D-day 3: 2/13/11
D-Day 4: 3/28/11
WW Drug addict for 2 years, Morphine, Fentanyl, Xanax, clean since June '09
5 OM, about 20 seperate sexual encounters

Posts: 215 | Registered: Jan 2010
Notgoing2forgive
New Member
Member # 27068
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, March 21st (Sunday)

Thank you so much! I really needed to hear that today.


Me-33
Him-37
2 Beautiful children-7 & 12
Married 13 years
D-Day Oct. 2. 2009
I am Stronger than I thought!!!!

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri
smallmouse
Member
Member # 19649
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, March 21st (Sunday)

thanks for this post!

XWH's own mother put it best, she told me once that he left because he can't stand a woman as good as me, I magnify his flaws.

sm

*edited just to say, can't believe this post is still out here! lol

[This message edited by smallmouse at 6:38 PM, December 7th (Sunday)]


pancakes!

Posts: 1446 | Registered: May 2008
shattered123
Member
Member # 27843
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, March 22nd (Monday)

Dear Death,
Thank you for these words, on today one of the worst days of my life. It is obvious your words have helped so many of us. Today, I am praying for the strength to survive.

Me: 52
WH: 46
Skank: 32
Married 15 years, together 17
Trying for R, trying to survive


Posts: 2590 | Registered: Mar 2010
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, April 12th (Monday)

Bumping this for newbies.

Is there any way this can make it into the Healing Library?


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
BrokenWoman007
Member
Member # 27854
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)

Bump, bump - love this post!

It is so true. When I get really down about WH A I have to keep telling myself that I am a wonderful woman - educated, loving, strong, and a wonderful mommy - and that she is nothing that can't keep her hands of of other women's spouses and is spending the next 2 1/2 years in the "big house" - the one with bars where they have to wear those lovely orange jumpsuits - because she has no self control


Me: 33, WH: 34, 1 DD
DDay: Jan. 2010 - confessed ONS
DDay2: Aug 2010 - confessed inappropriate texting
OW1 - 21; felon; Texting 3 other women - claims no physical contact
Hurting - still. . . .

Posts: 285 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Midwest
emeraldisle
Member
Member # 20480
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)

THANK YOU, DBB....thank you.


Me: BW, married 14yrs
D-Day 04/2008; 07/2008; 10/2008; 03/2010 & 08/2010
DIVORCED, and moving forward

Posts: 1016 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Texas
luvhimso
Member
Member # 7478
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)

DBB, that is Empowering. Thank you for saying it so well.


The meaning of life is to make life meaningful.

Posts: 497 | Registered: Jun 2005
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, April 25th (Sunday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, April 25th (Sunday)

bump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
reallyhurt0710
New Member
Member # 28367
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 25th (Sunday)

i def. needed to hear this thank you so much. but what if i feel i am prettier but he said shes beautiful? does he mean or it is it hes just caught up in the moment?

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2010
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, April 25th (Sunday)

@really hurt.

If he says she's beautiful, then probably that tells you more about him: I call it mean and shallow behaviour to tell you she's beautiful, unless he's qualifying with some discussion on her morals.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
fairyfriend
Member
Member # 11208
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, April 25th (Sunday)

reallyhurt,

It likely means he is still very much in the fog. When he comes out of it, his opinion of her will likely change radically.

She won't look very good anymore.

Hugs,

ff


DDay 1--Feb 99
Crappy IC, false R--spring 1999
A ended around April, 2003
DDay 2--September 26, 2004
DDay 3--September 26, 2005 when I found out the REST of the truth
8/8/09--Doing very well due to hard work on my and H's part

Posts: 1607 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: far north Chicago suburbs
phatchance12
Member
Member # 28280
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, April 25th (Sunday)

I too just read this and printed it out. Then I handed it to my husband who was sitting across the room. He read it and was smiling towards the end and asked if the author of Not Just Friends wrote it. He is almost finished reading that book.


Me: Faithful Wife.
Him: Who gives a shit, really.
Caught him on Feb 22nd, 2010.
Who the fuck does he think he is changing my life forever without asking me?


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Hell
reallyhurt0710
New Member
Member # 28367
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, April 25th (Sunday)

well i sent him that little part about they affair down and he said he that the more that i tell him i dont know what he saw he says he doesnt know what it was that made him say that he said it was def just him sayin it in the moment to her....??

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2010
Now_No_You
New Member
Member # 28111
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, April 25th (Sunday)

This was pure poetry! In my case, OW is ugly, with stringy hair, and a penchant to look at her feet rather than the world in the eye. HOWEVER, he, 3 1/2 months later, he's living with her... another man's wife... and left his own wife and child behind. I suppose she must have something he liked... the weakness maybe? Or the appeal of being with a whore? I can't figure it out right now. I am right back to feeling the pain and betrayal... I love him and despise him at the same time.
But she is weak. She is trash. She is low-class. She is nothing that I am.


BS(Me)- 32
WS- 34 EA and PA with coworker began 11/09
Married 3.5 years
Dated 2.5 years
One Daughter 3 yrs.
D-Day 1-3-10
Currently separated (not legally) I want to work on M. He is not committed, therefore nothing is being done.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Mississippi
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, April 25th (Sunday)

My best friend and I can both attest to this statement. We are both nurses, both decent looking (okay, I think she is beautiful) and both of our h's affair'd down. Both went for co-workers (factory/warehouse type jobs). Both OW are uglier than pond scum on the inside and outwardly.

Yes, they do "affair down"...


Me: BW/33 The kidlets: DS16, DS12, and DD10 The hounds: Three Shih Tzu's The felines: Two short haired kitteh's

Posts: 11773 | Registered: Dec 2009
Stillpainful
Member
Member # 26281
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, April 26th (Monday)

Beautifully written.

My WH's OW was young, pretty and a 'go-getter'. But inside she was ugly as sin. And I viewed her as LAZY!! Too lazy to get her own man. Easier to target someone elses knowing she could still be free enough to sleep around when she wanted to. And she did. And WH couldnt complain, he was still with me!

I've not felt inferior to her, how could I?

This is a lovely worded post for those of us who dont know how to put it into words yet. Thank you.


Me BS(46)
Him WH(26)
Together 7yrs
Married 18 months
DD 25th June 2008
Reconciling(doing well so far!)

Depending on yourself in life is essential. Being able to depend on anyone else is a bonus!!


Posts: 118 | Registered: Nov 2009
Chabeli
Member
Member # 25838
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, April 26th (Monday)

I absolutely agree with this one. WH OW is a total loser!! A few months after DD I come to find out through the internet that she is an ex-con who was arrested after being caught at Miami International with a bunch of drugs. She is a former stripper who was sexually abused and got pregnant at the age of 14. She now lives with WH and beats him everytime they fight.

Posts: 477 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: New York
phatchance12
Member
Member # 28280
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 26th (Monday)

I saw a pic of the OW on my husbands cell phone. Long red straggly hair, homely as fuck. I mean homely. Then he tells me the other night she has only a few front teeth on top cause the rest are rotted out with a black line on her gums ue to being a crack whore.
WTF??
You are not kidding, they affair down alright.
I'd do anything to find her husband.


Me: Faithful Wife.
Him: Who gives a shit, really.
Caught him on Feb 22nd, 2010.
Who the fuck does he think he is changing my life forever without asking me?


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Hell
forgivenotforget
Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, April 26th (Monday)

Absolutely fantastic post. I hope it's ok but I just had to copy it to the LTA forum. Thanks, dbb, so much for taking the time to write this amazing post.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1907 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
makingit5683
New Member
Member # 28315
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, April 26th (Monday)

You are so right. My friend just told me on Friday that the OW is everything WS would not accept in me.


BS/44-me
WS/47
D-Day 10/06/07
D-Day 6/28/08
D-Day 2/6/09
D-Day 3/26/10
kids 18 and 15
Married 22years and together 30 years.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Georgia
shattered123
Member
Member # 27843
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, April 26th (Monday)

I love this, thank you so much. WH told me that Skank is my exact opposite. Nice to hear, as you are right, the self esteem takes a major hit.

Posts: 2590 | Registered: Mar 2010
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, April 26th (Monday)

I have to constantly remind myself of this, because a lot of times, I find myself jealous of her... I know that is so awful, but it's true. She is much prettier than me. I just have to remind myself that inside, she is an ugly, awful human being and there is nothing to be jealous of.


Me: BGF - 35
***
"They say time is the only healer...
God, I hope that isn't right 'cause right now I'd die to not remember..." - Carly Pearce

Posts: 3245 | Registered: Feb 2010
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, April 26th (Monday)

I'm gonna screen shot the OP and have it as a desk top image for my bad days.


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
betrayed1012
Member
Member # 26112
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, April 26th (Monday)

Of course they affair down. They are defective and flawed individuals looking for acceptance and validation. Since infidelity is an addictive behavior just like alcoholism and drug addiction they all behave the same way. An addict or an alcoholic will drop down on the socio-economic scale and hang out with people they would have never associated with normally to get a drink or their drugs. Same is true of infidelity. Who is going to more readily accept behavior such as cheating, people of high morals? No. The people who will accept these flawed individuals are people who are worse than they are. That is who they look for validation and acceptance from, the bottom tier.


BS 52
WW 41
Dday 10/12/09
Filed Divorce Complaint 2/1/10
Together 18 year
M 14 years
Children: 11 & 7

Divorced 10/14/10


Posts: 1010 | Registered: Nov 2009
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, May 24th (Monday)

Bumped for newbies.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
DaniGirl
Member
Member # 28436
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, May 24th (Monday)

Wow you made my day!


Me:BW (35)Him: WH(36) 3boys 8,5,1
Married 13 Years False R- Now Divorced!!He's with Skank #3 a "dancer"
Read my story "Merry Christmas, Douchebag"
http://www.amazon.com/Merry-Christmas-Douchebag-ebook/dp/B006OIA2IW/ref=sr_1_1?

Posts: 346 | Registered: May 2010
nolight228
Member
Member # 28425
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, May 24th (Monday)

DBB..

Thank you so much for your post. It was spot on.. my self esteem plummeted when I found out about the affair...the OW has a perfect shell.. perfect teeth, flawless makeup and the best boobs money can buy.. buy that's all it is.. A SHELL. She has no substance.. she has no integrity or morals...

My WSO certainly did affair down. It's been an awful week for me and this post is exactly what I needed to cheer me up... Thank you!


ME - BSO 29
HIM- WSO 34
Together 3yrs, Engaged for 2 yr
D-DAY 4/6/10

FINALLY!! It looks like we have a fighting chance...


Posts: 65 | Registered: May 2010 | From: The Twilight Zone
eyesnowopen
Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, May 24th (Monday)

I read this about three am, can't believe I have missed this one till now. But anyway, it is so true! He even admits she is emotionally scared, immature and psycho, along with low self esteem plus she's not very attractive due to a scar on her face and glass coming out of her forehead (from a car accident where the loser she was with at the time left her there after he wrecked her car) so other than her being a lot skinnier than me, she sounds like a real winner, huh? i love it, love every single bad detail about her lol


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
jessicasremorse
New Member
Member # 28558
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, May 24th (Monday)

Amen, sister.

Posts: 2 | Registered: May 2010 | From: alaska
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 24th (Monday)

Wow - I can't believe I missed this one till now either eyesnowopen!

And boy is it true. Scarily true. Both FOW were broken, needy, insecure, broken-homers. Alcoholics. FWH was bound and determined to "fix" them - as his ego was in the pits.

Great post!

Hugs,

Lala


Me - 51; FWH - 53
Married 33 years 9/2/16
2 grown daughters-32 & 28
7yo GS,3yo GD & 2yo. GD (DD32) and 4 yo GD & new GD born 7/1/16(DD28). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5748 | Registered: May 2007
Star727
Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, May 24th (Monday)

Since I personally know OW cause she's a coworker, I know I'm the exact opposite of her and thats okay. I would rather it be with someone opposite cause this woman is not a very nice one. She looks good on the outside with a couple of things wrong: she wears skanky clothes to her office job. they are short, loud multi-colored with matching shoes. She's a bit on the shapely side so the men like watching her walk away but they are always joking about how they want to "hit that". With me, we are great friends and I have quality conversations with the guys.

I think he chose her as an ego boost to show the "fellas" at the work "hey man, I'm hitting that".

So, I'm glad she and I are not a like. She has reputation, I don't.


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, May 26th (Wednesday)

bump


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, May 31st (Monday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
notasaint
Member
Member # 28465
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, June 1st (Tuesday)

Glad I saw this today! I've been feeling really fat and ugly the last couple of days. I've never seen OW (prefer to keep it that way) but WH tells me she comes nowhere close to me physically nor personality wise.

She knew about me yet chose to be a sloppy second and knew she'd destroy a relationship in the process. She's a serial OW which makes sense because why would any GOOD man want someone like that?

I will continue to do my hair, put on my makeup and jewelry, spritz on some perfume and be the woman I know I am even if I feel broken inside.


Me - BW 36
Him - FWH 38 SLA (newlywednupset)
M < 1 year
D-days 8/2009 and 4/2010 TT to 10/2010
3 OW over the course of 2 years, all older, one married.
* My husband was in an open relationship from day one, he just failed to tell ME this.*

Posts: 1048 | Registered: May 2010 | From: FL
afraidshesgone
Member
Member # 28625
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 1st (Tuesday)

thanks for finding this and bringing it back around... My wounds are still fresh and i needed a pick me up. I saved it to my journal with an entry title 'read me and remember'


Me, BW, old enough
D-Day dates.. tired of 'em Let's just say it happened, I'm over it and have moved on.....very happy

Despite my screen name, I am very much a woman and hell yeah I wish I could change that name to gladshesgone


Posts: 1765 | Registered: May 2010 | From: The Land of Guilder
deathbybetrayal
Member
Member # 22478
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)

Hope you all are doing a little better today.

DBB


Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Jan 2009
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, June 4th (Friday)

Bumped for new members.

(and to make sure it doesn't fall off the edge of page 25)


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
romanticidiot
Member
Member # 28655
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, June 4th (Friday)

BH here saying that this thread is not helping me. Don't like to think of my WW as the "trade down" for OMM. Doesn't do much for my self-confidence.


"When you're going through Hell, keep going." -Churchill

Posts: 720 | Registered: May 2010
tuscandreamer
Member
Member # 17406
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 4th (Friday)

romanticidiot,

I can understand where you are coming from. It actually really angers me that my H did affair down. He risked everything for someone who isn't worth it, at least IMHO.


BS 48
WH 45
Dday #1 6/20/07, Dday #2 (different OW) 5/16/09
3 DDs (15, 10, 8)
Reconciling???

Posts: 482 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
Hurtwife/mom
Member
Member # 28123
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 4th (Friday)

Mine affaired down and It was a huge hit to my self esteem as I though maybe I was worse thank I thought. I realize now that is not the case.


Married- 12 yrs
Together- 13 yrs
D-Day's- multiple over 11yrs
Son- 11yr
Son- 8yr
Daughter- 7yr
Daughter- 4yr
Me- 34yr
He- 35yr
Why did this Happen?

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: not my home anymore
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, June 4th (Friday)

death, I had to come back to this today....your words speak volumes to so many of us. :)

Posts: 9227 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
luvlys
Member
Member # 28713
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, June 4th (Friday)

Glad to read this post. made me smile through the tears today
struggling with reconcilation

Posts: 63 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: luvlys
MoreBluetiful
New Member
Member # 28714
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, June 4th (Friday)

But what about people whose H had an EA? It wasn't about sex. And in my case he didn't come back for me. He chose her. Told me he settled for me when we got married less than a year ago (after dating 5 years), and that now he knows he can do better. It just seems like none of these "uplifting" things apply to my situation at all.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Indianapolis, IN
luvedmypbear
Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, June 4th (Friday)

romanticidiot:

While I believe in the concept that the AP is always a step down because they compromise morals to get involved with a married person, I agree that it is difficult to think of my WS as a step down. But, the MOW's BH must think so, if he thinks about my WH at all.

Honestly if you put MOW and I next to each other and WH and MOW's BH next to each other, there's good and bad to all 4 of us. No winners in the game of infidelity IMHO.

MoreBluetiful:

Your WH is speaking in Fog-speak, do not buy in to it. You are not less than and AP. You did not betray your marriage vows. Stand tall. Be proud.

Thanks again to DBB for helping us put some of this into perspective. I know when DD was fresh in my life last July, I compared everything about me to MOW, as I had known her for over 1o years. I was baffled.
She was not better than me, yet my WH was willing to throw our M for a short lived PA with her.

Turns out it wasn't about her or me, only WH. His issues, his stuff.


D-Day July 14, 2009
4 kids
BW, 39
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Sep 2009
Broken10
Member
Member # 27949
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, June 5th (Saturday)

Thank you so much, I just read this for the first time today, and I really needed it.


BW- 30s
WH- 30s

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2010
freedomtochoose
Member
Member # 28435
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, June 6th (Sunday)

MoreBluetiful

I'm like you I tossed him out tring to wake him up but he went straight to her. But the sad thing is he is broken as well as her. He was so hooked up on what made he feel good even though it was based on lies and deciet. He was blinded to what he has lost. Mine too said rubbish about settling but they would say anything to make their actions justified it is easier to start something new that stay a put in the hard yards to make a relationship work. They took the easy road but they have not learned anything just avoided a difficut situuation. Their next relationship will suffer the same issues at some time - trust ones in particular. We however will use this experience to grow and become stronger more beautiful people inside where it counts and our future relationships will be founded on honesty and trust.

I have learnt through this whole painfully ugly mess to not take anything the WS says personally he is speaking through his arse.


Posts: 96 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Australia
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 3:22 AM, June 6th (Sunday)

Boy isn't that the truth or at least in most of the cases I know of where an a took place.

H's whore was (still is) about 4'10, 140lbs, long black frizzy hair, uneducated, speaks with a heavy accent and looks like she is storing nuts in her cheeks for the winter.

I am completely the opposite.....attractive, thin and in great shape, work out daily, run, walk, and am educated.

In h's case he really did affair down to the gutter with his neighborhood prize.


Posts: 2600 | Registered: Sep 2005
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, June 6th (Sunday)

I agree that it is difficult to think of my WS as a step down. But, the MOW's BH must think so, if he thinks about my WH at all.

My interpretation of DBB's point (written about OWs more than OMs, I think) is that it is the very compliance and complicity in deceit (and all else) that means it is a step down for all parties. A needy person chooses a needy AP, because that's all they can get (or all they perceive they can get), because their own opinion of themselves is not good. All round its a deceit and self-delusion of its opposite. Wonderful people do not have affairs (and to any FWS who thinks I am judging them, you may be wonderful now, but you weren't during the affair), but APs have to pretend to each other and themselves that they are wonderful in an ever-escalating process of self-justification, aggrandisment and delusion.

(But I know what you mean about your WS, )

[This message edited by Edie at 4:03 AM, June 6th (Sunday)]


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
romanticidiot
Member
Member # 28655
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, June 6th (Sunday)

A needy person chooses a needy AP, because that's all they can get (or all they perceive they can get)

This is true, but in my xWW's case, she affaired up, socio-economically. The guy is everything she ever wanted in a man -- a good provider.

She has told me that it's OK for a guy to have affairs if he's a good provider. Really? Something tells me she wouldn't have told me that back when my career was on track and I was making close to six figs.

I know she "affaired down," though. A man who would betray his family for a piece of ass is a shitbag any way you cut it.


"When you're going through Hell, keep going." -Churchill

Posts: 720 | Registered: May 2010
virtualv
Member
Member # 28565
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, June 6th (Sunday)

Yes awesome post!

I can only confirm this applied to my WW too. OM has never had a job in his life, does drugs, a real looser in every sense of the word. My wife said several times while in the fog she was making progress with 'fixing' him. BARF!!

For a bit it really hurts your self esteem. Thinking how can this POS be a better choice then me. So this post is a must read for everyone in that situation.

Once the fog lifted though, they are sooo shamed of how low they went with their choice.


Me: BH 34, Her: FWW 32
Married 11 years
3rd & Final DDay: Dec 20, 2009

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be different"


Posts: 873 | Registered: May 2010 | From: BC - Canada
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, June 11th (Friday)

Time for another bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
will_I_make_it
Member
Member # 28648
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 11th (Friday)

This is great. I will be printing this for my journal too.

That bitch was so fucking illiterate. She couldn't even spell adultery. Didn't know the difference between suit and suite. She referred to herself as his secret fuck. No respect for herself. While she was not ugly, she definitely was not gorgeous.


Married 6/2007
Me = BS/28
Him = WH/39
DD 2/10/10
DD#2 4/24/2010 (same affair)

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2010
tulipcitymadman
Member
Member # 28660
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, June 11th (Friday)

My WW has chosen a man who is 48 but looks like he is 58. He lives in an old trailer park that is could be a stand in for a stereotypical movie about trailer trash. When I confronted him and asked him to stand down because I have 3 children this would destroy, he gave me his card so I could call him anytime and 6 DVD's on marriage counseling. My WW thought that was a sensitive thing for him to do and described him a "good family man."

I have done her the disservice of working full time while allowing her the luxury of working only 10 hours a week at a woman's health club for minimum wage so she can work out and tan for free. I provided a comfortable suburban residence with pool in the back yard that I kept up alone while she laid out and got more tan. I come home and fix a dinner every night for a family of 5 and clean up the mess afterward. She will then go out and run for hours because she is training for a marathon. He has nothing and she has been handed everything by me; the doormat. She still tells me that the affair came about because of my deficiencies.

These two deserve each other. Good fucking luck, bitch!

[This message edited by tulipcitymadman at 11:15 PM, June 11th (Friday)]


Posts: 339 | Registered: May 2010
crisisrecovery
Member
Member # 26473
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, June 11th (Friday)

Beautiful. I wish I could say my WH had worked on recovery but he couldn't do what it takes. This is still beautiful to read because since he never got help for his insecurities, I know he will always be dating a weaker person than I.


Every day above ground is a good day.

Posts: 291 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Naples, Florida
BetsyBG
Member
Member # 13920
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 12th (Saturday)

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: while the OWs my husband chose may have lacked sufficient character (as did my husband) to refrain from infidelity, they do not FEEL to me, on a visceral level, like "affairing down."

They never will.

My husband consistently chose women I cannot begin to approach, in terms of physical appearance. At the same time--and for a prolonged time--I was sexually abandoned.

The overriding message was (and is), "You're not as good as they are."

No, they don't always affair down. Sometimes, they just rather blithely discard the wrong person---not really caring about the consequences.

I know this thread helps many. But I have to believe there are more, out there, who feel the way I do: that there was always an eye out for the next "something better," and we never quite factored into the equation at all.


BW-49
STBX-49
together 33 years, married 24
most recent D-day 5/26/10
separated 12/5/10
financially-motivated UN-separation to come mid-January, 2011
trying to R, or at least happily coexist

Posts: 4436 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Chicago-ish
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, June 12th (Saturday)

something better

In whose eyes?

I'm not disagreeing you with you for the sake of argument, and only countering with my own perspective (i.e, not invalidating yours) to say that 'all that glitters is not gold', and your husband may have liked shiny things (mirrors) perhaps was not the coinoisseur you are somehow giving him the credit to be, and that iin forever seeking himself in the mirror, he will never be satisfied because the image is forever distorting. He may not either have learnt to bite the coin to check if it's real gold let alone what carat it is.

I do not feel that this is but a 'feelgood' thread. It has a vent function and also IMO serves to
illuminate questions of standards: double standards, lowering of standards, perceptions of standards, and helps a BS orientate towards The Gold Standard, and feel that their sense of rejection is completely and utterly justified and understandable, and appreciate this is only because their WH is a golden ass. Otherwise, should we take the blame for their affairs?


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
nightshadow
Member
Member # 28104
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 12th (Saturday)

So true! The "best friend" nothing to look at. She has gaps in her teeth, frizzy curly hair, not pretty at all and has nothing going for her. Works a a minimum wage job, still lives wih mommy, has a car but is too busy doing drugs to get the part for it to run, prefers to muuch off other people.
Myself I got the looks the brains and career plus kids! In your face b**ch!
I am glad that he hit bottom and got out of the fog!
and we are moving forward:)


ME30 WOWZER
SON4
"The worst part about being lied to is knowing that you weren't worth the truth." ~Unknown~
"They can't kill you and eat you"
"fuck them and feed them fish"
"Don't let the goofy shit get y

Posts: 864 | Registered: Mar 2010
BetsyBG
Member
Member # 13920
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 12th (Saturday)

Edie, you're right, of course (and as usual!) --- the "something better" was through his disorted lenses.

But at this point, still fresh from the latest D-day, I can't shake the feelings associated with it.

I mean, I know that I'm better than a diseased stripper, or the women who were willing to meet him after a few words exchanged online, or even the bored housewife who was his latest conquest.

Intellectually, that is.

I don't quite yet feel that way.

My therapist assures me I will :) (PTSD sucks.)

[This message edited by BetsyBG at 8:18 PM, June 12th (Saturday)]


BW-49
STBX-49
together 33 years, married 24
most recent D-day 5/26/10
separated 12/5/10
financially-motivated UN-separation to come mid-January, 2011
trying to R, or at least happily coexist

Posts: 4436 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Chicago-ish
leftfordead
New Member
Member # 28738
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 12th (Saturday)

Thank you! i will read this again and again....Thank you.


BW (me) 39
WS 43 SA
Together 14 years; 2 DDs 9 & 2
D day April 22, 2010

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: San Jose
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, June 13th (Sunday)

(((((betsy)))))


Sorry you are feeling so rough. Understand what you are saying. Guess this the point, as you are saying, where your intellect has to fight really hard on your behalf, to keep questioning those doubts of self-worth, test their credibility again and again the face of your husband's narcissism or whatever.

Your 'feelings' of rejection are true and valid, and I know how rejected I felt after Dday. This is why the analogy of the cake-eating is useful here. In most cases, it is not the main cake that is being rejected, far from it, it is being taken for granted as daily standard fare and only 'rejected' in that sense because children really like bread and butter,
but are always clamouring for cake instead. Ws's appetite for 'cake' is an unhealthy greed in themselves, filling themselves with sweet, sugary stuff, that provides a temporary' blood-sugar' high, always followed by a sharp and corresponding dip in blood sugar.

As you are saying, you do know really that your H's inability to appreciate fully the full and beatiful afternnon tea of cucumber sandwiches, tea-cakes and strawberries and cream that you represent, is simply that he spends too much time looking anxiously in thr mirror and not liking what he sees there. He is just not seeing anything much else at all. Do not give any credit for discernment that is not due, and especially not at your own expense. Because how does that help you, or him, for that matter?

Betsy, you are lovely, and lively and full of life, I always really enjoy and respect your posts. Don't let this man drain any of that lovely life out of you through his bloodsucking and sweet-tooth, kid in a candy store, eyes bigger than his stomach.

((((betsy)))


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
feelinghurt10
Member
Member # 28600
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, June 13th (Sunday)

What a great read! Thank you. i'm printing it so I can read and re-read --- especially days when I feel I am at my lowest.

In my case, OW makes more $$ than I do and that was his driving force. She is younger, probably prettier and may have a better body too, but I still feel like she has nothing on me ... My morals, my attitude, my whole being has to be much better than hers -- that skank-homewrecker!!


Me- BS-45; Twins - 13
Dday #1 4/3/2010 ; Filed 7/2010
HAPPILY divorced - FINALLY - 10/26/2012
“No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.” ~Maya Angelou

Posts: 2111 | Registered: May 2010
glasvegas
Member
Member # 22639
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, June 14th (Monday)

This thread actually makes me sad. Maybe in the way that it feels biased towards the situation being a WH/BW rather than a WW/BH. I dunno.

In my situation the OM is a handsome man, apparently professionally successful, and has always been a charming ladies man. I realize that he is horribly broken inside, and I feel pity for his BS.

But this makes me feel like from his perspective he affair'd down, so that makes my WS somehow worse. It hurts to read many of the attributes in these posts and apply them to her. Makes me wonder WTF I am doing continuing to be in this relationship.

I'm not saying this for any other reason than to share my feelings...


Posts: 321 | Registered: Jan 2009
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, June 14th (Monday)

glasvegas,

Please do not be depressed by the dual 'vent' function of this thread, and try to realise that vents are an outlet for 'judgements' that we may not permit ourselves IRL; your wife may be an OW, and therefore 'condemned' collectively here, but as BSs we also realise our WS was trying to fix 'needs' (usually ego ones) by having an A, and can try to care for that 'hurting' bit on our WS and work with them to identify it and find more appropriate and healthy ways for them to address it than the self-destructive, self-medicating pathways to hell in an A.


((((glasvegas))))


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
justbreathe
Member
Member # 13765
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, June 18th (Friday)

Bumping


In times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.
George Orwell


Posts: 432 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Swimming towards inner peace
used up
Member
Member # 26119
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, June 19th (Saturday)

I read this when it was first posted and it helped me a lot. Showed it to my WH in November and he didn't get it.

I read all these posts about AP being ugly, fat, uneducated, unsuccessful.

MOW in my case is a successful owner of a veterinarian practice that employees 4-7 vets. WH loved that DR. in front of her name. Loved to hear about her great vacations, new boat, jet skis, fast car. He admitted to day dreaming about how their combined incomes would be so comfortable and her large house was so much more impressive than our modest ranch style home.

Looks wise we were very similar in height and build. Both long hair, mine red, her blond. Both pale freckled skin. Both even straight teeth. She is 10 years younger than me but too much sun has prematurely wrinkled her face and her hair grayed early so she bleaches it.

But she is broken. Has been in therapy for years and years. Suffers from SAD. Has a new best friend every year.
Has a husband that has never held a job for more than a few months every couple of years. Drinks 4 or 5 beers every night after work.

Knowing they affair down helps me sometimes. But sometimes it works the other way. Why would he want to be with a cheating, lying, drinking, mentally ill, morally bankrupt person instead of with me? Am I lower or less desirable than that?

WH and I discussed the looking for weakest in herd theory and he just didn't get it. I tried to tell him that if one of his friends propositioned me, I would be offended that they thought I was the kind of woman who would cheat. It would show complete disrespect of me and my values.

WH said that I should be flattered that another man found me attractive enough to hit on. This was his take on the posting in November. I've made a point to tell him of every possible complement I have received since then. Guess he didn't think I got any since I didn't brag about them or act on them.

He seems much more clear thinking these days. Think that I will print this out again and see if he has the same response.

Sorry for the long post but this is the one year anniversary of the night when I first suspected affair and I'm having a horrible night. WH is out of state for orientation for a new job after being unemployed/part time employed since d day.

Really letting the memories hit hard tonight.


BS -me -57 WH 62
Married 23 years
son-21-heart of Switzerland
daughter-18-fierce warrior

MOW - mother of Daughter's best friend. 15 years younger than WH
Discovery Day - July 1, 2009


Posts: 470 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Nevada
Thera77
Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, June 19th (Saturday)

DBB your post rocks and is so true in my case.

I still feel like she has nothing on me ... My morals, my attitude, my whole being has to be much better than hers -- that skank-homewrecker!!

In my case, OW was 26, on H #3, all of whom she has cheated on. And WS was her 3rd A in 6 months. Officially OW and BH had only been married a MONTH when A w/ my WH began. What a skank. She barely has an associate degree (not to say that's bad - but compared to me - below average), stupid, lazy, hates the job that WH loves and tried to recruit me into Avon (have to pause their commercials, otherwise I'll throw things @ the TV). I know I'm far more intelligent than she is, worked my butt off to get my undergrad (2 jobs and scholarships), and am now earning my MBA in a field I am passionate about. I am better looking, but also heavier. But what's that saying? I'm fat but you're ugly, and I can always lose weight.

Oh and as a side note, WH is my ONLY partner . . . ever. And as apparantly the only adult between the 4 of us (WH, OW, her WS/BH) who would get STD testing, I at least discovered an infection they gave me which luckily was treatable w/ anti-biotics. So, that was awesome.

[This message edited by Thera77 at 1:44 AM, June 19th (Saturday)]


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 476 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, June 19th (Saturday)

((((usedup)))

You don't sound used up to me. You sound energised and 'usefully' up.

Sorry about the antiversary feelings. Hope your H gives you a thoughtful response to the thread.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
used up
Member
Member # 26119
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, June 19th (Saturday)

Thanks Edie. It's been a tough night. WH called me at 3 am my time (4am for him) to tell me that he was thinking about me and wanted me to know he loved me. That was good. And your responding is very good. Thank you.


BS -me -57 WH 62
Married 23 years
son-21-heart of Switzerland
daughter-18-fierce warrior

MOW - mother of Daughter's best friend. 15 years younger than WH
Discovery Day - July 1, 2009


Posts: 470 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Nevada
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 23rd (Wednesday)

Used Up, so glad your husband 'woke' you up for that reason.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
justbreathe
Member
Member # 13765
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 26th (Saturday)


In times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.
George Orwell


Posts: 432 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Swimming towards inner peace
reallyreallysad
New Member
Member # 28803
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, June 26th (Saturday)

needed this now - thank you

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: virginia
jrsdad
New Member
Member # 28872
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, June 26th (Saturday)

Then: OM is 9 years younger than me and skinnier. I was told by his GF that I was more attractive. OM drank quite a bit. I threatened to beat him down once. He was being verbally abusive to girlfriend. My XW knew that he was abusive. She and girlfriend were friends. We both owned farms, I lost mine. OM and I were friends and he kept all of our associated friends. Tells you what a great group I was running with.

Now: I dropped 50lbs in the first year after DD. I have maintained the weight loss for two yaers. I have younger women asking me out and hitting on me. I have more "real" friends than I have ever had. I have an open calender and get to do a lot of fun things. My daughter lives with me. I don't miss my farm and enjoy my life. OM gained at least 30lbs. His farm lost 100K last year. He got WW knocked up and had shot gun wedding. They can't afford a decent car. XW used to drive new Ram PU(mine). Now a 92 sentra that smells like crap. His drinking has gotten worse. His extended family has fallen away from one another. Best part; he is married to another man's wife (mine). She is miserable and in the back of his mind he knows he can't trust her. They have built a castle in the sand and the tide is rising.


Me-BH 38 Her-XW 34
Married 7 years/Together 12
D-Day:6-4-2008 Divorced-11-14-2008
"Refrain your voice from weeping, And your eyes from tears; For your work shall be rewarded, says the Lord, And they shall return from the land of the enemy."

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Washington
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)

bump...this is a GOOD one! Enjoy!!!


Me: 45/WH (SA): 49
M: 26 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce halted

Posts: 1259 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
sunflowergirl30
Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 11th (Sunday)

I am a total mess. Found out my husband had been having an affair for 6months. The woman was our realtor! We spent months w/her! My husband used 2 say negative things about her appearance. It bothered me that he noticed n the 1st place. Well I guess he was full of crap and found her flat butt very appealing. She is 45. He is 32. I am 33. I am so jealous of this whore even though I know I'm a better person than her and a 100x's more attractive. What makes me jealous is that she had my husband a screwed him for 3mo. And that my husband wanted her! I hate it! He says she wasn't better than me in anyway that he didn't love her. That he was just hiding from all our problems! We have been married for 13yrs! 2gether for 16yrs.! I have only been w/him! All during his affair he kept telling me he loved me and I was the only one! Bull shit! I feel so betrayed!his whore wasn't younger than me or more attractive! She was a whore and would do things I wouldn't and her old skanky a%# stroked his ego! It kills me becz she new me my children! My H says she was jealous of me! I would have been more than jealous if I had known he was screwing the whore!I confronted her. Sttod face to face. Looking her up and down. I know she enjoyed the fact that he had chosen her over me even for a moment! Even though he used her like a toilet. A quickie n a parking lot and came home to me. He never took her to a movie or dinner just screwed her in his car or hers. Its killing me though! His guilt got to him! His conscience he ended it w/her! Reminded her in her jealous anger that she was still screwing her husband too! He told her he couldn't keep doing it that it was over. For a month she tried 2 get him! That's how I found out! Saw a text on cell saying I knew u were never going 2 leave(my name)! When I confronted her she told me she has been in marriage counceling her husband had cheated on her! Like it was supposed 2 make me feel better! She turned around and did it to me! Tried to still my husband! He gave him self to her! In the end she was old and used up and had nothing he wanted or that was worth leaving me for! I have known for 6weeks and everday feels worse! Seeing pix on his cell of him and her kissing repays in my mind daily! Its killing my self esteem that he would do it and do it w/ a woman older and less attractive!


exwh- multiple affairs
Left him and seperated Sept. 6, 2015 final and last dday forever!
Filed for divorce Nov. 2015
Divorce final March 4, 2016
Finally off of the rollercoaster...



Posts: 1157 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
foreverchangedwi
Member
Member # 15368
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 11th (Sunday)

bump


BW-me
FWH-him
D-Day-1/24/06


The measure of a person is not based upon the words that they speak, but upon the choices that they make- {Borrowed from lieshurt}


Posts: 1557 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
kdny
Member
Member # 760
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 11th (Sunday)

sunflowergirl30,

Welcome. If you start your own thread in JFO you will get the support you need.

Just go down to the bottom of the page and click "post new topic"


Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

Posts: 81335 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
mellowmood
Member
Member # 2097
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 11th (Sunday)

Yes, sunflower girl, post a thread so you can get more help. Sundays are slow.

It does sound like your husband really affaired down, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Sounds like he is willing to do things to help you recover. That is good. But it will still take a long time to get over his betrayal.

Does he give you are reason he thought it was okay to betray his vows and take a chance on losing his family?


Posts: 2755 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: oceanside, calif.
hope2laughagain
Member
Member # 18364
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 11th (Sunday)

I am not sure how I feel about this thread. Yes, anyone who cheats is broken in some way and not a good candidate, single or married, but I don't know if would say affair down in other aspects. My FIL divorced my MIL 30 some years ago. He married his OW. He just died a few days ago and the testimonials were all about how much he and OW meant to each other all these years and how happy they were together. My MIL on the other hand, remarried 3 times, is grouchy and self centered and a hard person to be around. Of course, he should have left the marriage, then pursued her, absolutely, but did he affair down? That is the question, I guess. I had a friend years ago who left her H for the OM. She was not happy and her husband, while an attractive man, was not a great person. He was controlling and mean to her. She has been living happily married to him for 25 years.

I haven't read all the posts and the different perceptives on this on this posts, so forgive me if I say I am not sure I agree wholeheartedly with this concept. Affairing down maybe in respect to actions that there is not excuse for in breaking vows, devastating others lives, etc. but physical appearance and other qualities? Not sure I can say that.


"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

ME(BS)- H(WS)
Married:8 years
EA:May 07-PA:July 07 (w/co-worker)
Recovered


Posts: 667 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: California
TXMommy
Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, July 11th (Sunday)

I needed to hear this. Boy did I ever. I'm not sure I'll hear this from my husband, I wonder if that's how he thinks. I've flat out said, I am a better person than her, and he agreed, but I wonder if he truly thinks that. I'm afraid to ask.
But, *I* know that I am a better person. I KNOW it. She's nothing... never will be.


ME - BS - 35
WH - 31
11 years...
2 kids: D10, S4
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
H.O.P.E. -- Hold On, Pain Ends.

Posts: 595 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
always-hope
Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, July 12th (Monday)

(((DBB))) many thanks.

My PA DDay was just yesterday. This describes Skankopotamus to a T. Going to send it or read it to WH. He has already told me some of those things.


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
notasaint
Member
Member # 28465
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, July 12th (Monday)

One of the reasons that up until this point I have not wanted to see what OW looks like. I at least know I sound much better on the phone than she does. LOL.

I'm 100% positive he did affair down but that's my situation only. I would tend to agree that not all do.


Me - BW 36
Him - FWH 38 SLA (newlywednupset)
M < 1 year
D-days 8/2009 and 4/2010 TT to 10/2010
3 OW over the course of 2 years, all older, one married.
* My husband was in an open relationship from day one, he just failed to tell ME this.*

Posts: 1048 | Registered: May 2010 | From: FL
timeforchange
Member
Member # 27454
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, July 14th (Wednesday)

I live in a large house in a nice neighbourhood - she lives in a one room appartment with STBXWH - they have to sleep on the couch.

I went to college - she dropped out of High School.

I work for Government - she works evenings cooking fries in a roadside "Shack"

She can barely speak any language that STBXWH speaks...maybe when that improves and she can make out what he is saying she will understand what a load of junk he talks...


Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”


Posts: 726 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Expats in Europe
invictus
Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, July 15th (Thursday)

It's been awhile since I read this thread and I go back every so often for a pick me up... mainly when I start doubting my value as a person.

It's true, maybe ones own WS doesn't always affair down... but SOMEBODY usually does. The him or the her in the relationship is willing to trash another person's life for their own "benefit"...

While we each truly do have to seek a life we can be happy in, when a person can knowingly, willingly, deliberately hurt someone they once "loved"... and have an affair; continue an affair; choose an affair...

They are affairing THEMSELVES DOWN.

There are exceptions, of course. Some affair couples may build an admirable life together, but I would tend to think they were wronged long before they were attracted to anyone else.

In the end, the true nature of each individual will come out, for better or for worse.



♥ BW m. 31 years - Divorced in 2009. Living in tiny low income apartment, struggling; no car. Barely able to make ends meet. Anybody have a spare miracle?

Posts: 1883 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
sunflowergirl30
Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 15th (Thursday)

my h said it was the fact that she was available. that she wanted him...that he felt like i didnt want him..i didnt want him when he was being a jerk! DUH! he was being selfish and self absorbed but she did want him and was willing to take that f'd up side of hime i would not.! i was available to him but i wouldnt accept his bull shit and she would! she would becuz they only lived in their fantasy world. she didnt really know him! u cant really know someone through texts or emails or hooking up for a quickie in a car. they spent hours talking and siting in cars talking but they lied to each-other about themselves about their lives about their true intentions!she is a whore who cheated on her h with my h! who thru tantrums becuz i would not disapear. becuz she new my H was full of crap but she thought if she kept screwing him he would stop caring for me and be with her!though i love my H he is a liar and a pig! she wanted my H was jealous of me.she couldnt have handled being in a real relationship with my H though! this woman who knew me and claimed she would never do anything with my husband. she is like 12 to 13 years older than my husband and myself! heavier than me her skin is aged from tanning. the only thing she has that i dont is large breast. she looks ever bit of her 45yrs.she is not ugly. but standing toe to toe face to face w/her i know i am more attractive. i have a better figure. my H ended w/her not bcuz of looks but becuz he didnt want to spend his life w/her wasnt in love w/her.couldnt see himself w/ someone who would lie and cheat. even though he knows he is a liar and a cheater.he tells me he is w/me not her and thats whats important but to me the fact that he could and was with her at all eats at me. once the damage is done....its like this open sore festering. no she wasnt better than me in anyway infact less than me becuz she has no self respect. when i told her she is a whore she looked me in the eye and said yes i am and i'm sorry. at that moment she was so pathetic to me. to think when i met her i had looked up to her. she wanted my H and envied me. sick! its sick! they are sick! i will never understand it.


exwh- multiple affairs
Left him and seperated Sept. 6, 2015 final and last dday forever!
Filed for divorce Nov. 2015
Divorce final March 4, 2016
Finally off of the rollercoaster...



Posts: 1157 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, July 15th (Thursday)

Hi
I haven't read all of this topic so maybe someone has already said this but it's probly worth repeating. They ALWAYS affair down because the person our WSs are with is less than us. We are faithful and trying to make our marriages work. They are theives and totally lacking in morals. They have no integrity or dignity. It's not what they look like that counts but the types of people they are. Which is TRASH


Married 33yrs Me BW 59Yrs Him FWH 62yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2772 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ob-la-de
Member
Member # 23735
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, July 18th (Sunday)

bump for newbies


Time will tell

Posts: 958 | Registered: Apr 2009
punky
Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 18th (Sunday)

I cannot believe I have been here at SI for so long and am just now seeing this thread. CRAZY.

I struggle because I do not know any of the OW. I don't know how I 'stack' up in the looks department or personality department or career success department. I can only imagine--and, of course, I am thinking Cindy Crawford-Meg Whitman hybrid here...but all the external really doesn't matter. If these women were low enough to do it with a married man, I AM BETTER. No matter how much I weigh or how many wrinkles I have.


Almost 10 years later...finally healed. Definitely survived and thrived and you can, too.

Posts: 11313 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
mybellatrix
New Member
Member # 29062
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, July 18th (Sunday)

OK, WTF is up w this phenomenon? OW is fuckugly! Now, I'm no beauty queen mind you, but OMG. WTF is he thinking?!

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2010
fairydust
Member
Member # 24687
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, July 18th (Sunday)

This is so true. I remember our MC saying OW "could have been anyone" it was just a hole.

I still remember the comment my WS said during one session. "OW was cute but I'm pretty"


M-BS 50's
H-WS 50's
3 kids
Last A was with still neighbor/was friend.

Life is a test. If this would have been a real life you would have been instructed on where to go and what to do.


Posts: 521 | Registered: Jul 2009
DownNotOut
Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, July 24th (Saturday)

Thank you. I needed to read this today.


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 24th (Saturday)

This rings true again. My best friend's h has admitted he really didn't find the OW all that attractive (believe me, she's ugg-o inside and out). She was basically just a hole to fill

My friend is beautiful. She is a nurse and is very intelligent. She also has a very sweet personality

OW on the other hand is not pretty. She bounces from job to job and man to man trying to find SOMETHING that makes her happy. She didn't see a problem in being with a M man She was so delusional that she thought my friend's h was going to D said friend and marry her

This is so true...sometimes, it's looks; other times; it's personality and then, there is the whole package (looks and personality). No matter what, they always affair down


Me: BW/33 The kidlets: DS16, DS12, and DD10 The hounds: Three Shih Tzu's The felines: Two short haired kitteh's

Posts: 11773 | Registered: Dec 2009
twistedupinside
Member
Member # 26179
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, July 24th (Saturday)

This post hit a chord with me. I've seen the OW, spoke with her, know about her life and yep! This smacks to be the truth about her.
She's illiterate, seeking that 'mysterious' man to 'love' only her. Um, so try to take any man who you can? The unavailable ones? Yes, she definitely suffers more of a low self esteem level. The father of her kids has been in jail since their children were babies. She hooks up with some other random guy, the father knows this, the random guy knows about the father, they're all 'ok' with that. Then four years later she's crying and whining to my guy about how she's no longer in love with the random guy. They're commiserating together about how horrible they both have it. Yeah well, even after trying to break it off with my guy because HE's so miserable with me, so he can go be with her. Guess what. He no longer wants her. So I had to figure out why.
Sure, she looks similar to me, which I found to be creepy. But she's not quite as pretty as me. She's definitely not smart, intelligent or as intellectual as me.
He did affair down. I feel sorry for the girl actually because it is true that it could have been anyone. She was just the weakest of the pack.


me:47 him: 49
Dday #1: 09/30/09
Dday #2: 07/24/10 Trickled Truth
R begins 07/21/11
No it's not holding a grudge, it's called making a list and remembering everything so when it's my turn to drive the karma bus I know who to run over!

Posts: 518 | Registered: Nov 2009
ICantKeepDoingIt
Member
Member # 29093
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, July 25th (Sunday)

This is so true. I needed to read this. Thank you!

Posts: 52 | Registered: Jul 2010
phoenix_vs
Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, August 5th (Thursday)

Thank you for writing this wonderful essay. I helps me feel better about myself, and i need that right now! She really is getting his leftovers, only served when I'm not around.

[This message edited by phoenix_vs at 7:34 PM, August 5th (Thursday)]


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
sydneygal
New Member
Member # 29077
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, August 6th (Friday)

My OH definitely traded down. I found a picture on FB, i was shocked that she really IS no dull, so blah. I sound so bitchy but seriously. I am not a supermodel but she is SO not him!! Very plain, average figure what i could tell and terrible outfit. I had a couple of friends honestly look at it etc and all were like "nothing special" "you leave her for dust" all that. No wonder he felt so adored by her, she couldn't believe her luck . She reckons he said we had broken up, but i do think she convinced herself i didn't exist any more. He pretended he lived at his parents tiny flat with them. Um, you were never invited in, never met them etc, HELLO.

But then i missed a 10 month affair, so i am no detective!

OW pretty much admitted she can't cook, i can tell they fought alot from things she said. She gambled with him (bad as he is a compulsive gambler and basically she enabled him, so he thought at the time she was great fun to escape with but after rehab i hope he won't!!)

I felt somewhat better knowing she's no glamour..But it still kills me nonetheless.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Sydney
sydneygal
New Member
Member # 29077
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, August 6th (Friday)

My OH definitely traded down. I found a picture on FB, i was shocked that she really IS no dull, so blah. I sound so bitchy but seriously. I am not a supermodel but she is SO not him!! Very plain, average figure what i could tell and terrible outfit. I had a couple of friends honestly look at it etc and all were like "nothing special" "you leave her for dust" all that. No wonder he felt so adored by her, she couldn't believe her luck . She reckons he said we had broken up, but i do think she convinced herself i didn't exist any more. He pretended he lived at his parents tiny flat with them. Um, you were never invited in, never met them etc, HELLO.

But then i missed a 10 month affair, so i am no detective!

OW pretty much admitted she can't cook, i can tell they fought alot from things she said. She gambled with him (bad as he is a compulsive gambler and basically she enabled him, so he thought at the time she was great fun to escape with but after rehab i hope he won't!!)

I felt somewhat better knowing she's no glamour..But it still kills me nonetheless.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Sydney
ladya
Member
Member # 29184
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, August 6th (Friday)

thank you for your kind words of wisdom


Me:BS married 29 yrs.
5 kids

Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)


Posts: 885 | Registered: Jul 2010
selkiescot
Member
Member # 23777
Suspicious  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 6th (Friday)

so very very true


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
Christie
New Member
Member # 29249
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, August 6th (Friday)

You and I may feel that way, but my husband feels that his much younger also married OW was a really nice girl who first sought out his advice and then appreciated all of his good qualities.(many of which were hidden to me for years- but I take equal responsilbility for us drifting apart, but no responsibility for his deciding to take the plunge and have an affair with this unhappy girl. I told him if she had been single or in a happy marriage herself she never would have looked at him, but he doesn't like to believe that. so what does it matter if I feel that she was using him and never intended to get him away from me or marry him? My husband fell hook line and sinker and now 2 months after I found out, is still emotionally attached to her. they have not met again, but still text occasionally. the tone of their contact has changed from long impassioned emails and poems and song lyrics to more basic texts like I really miss you. but I am so hurt and troubled. My husband and I have talked and talked and hugged and made love and each has been kinder and nicer to eachother- doing little things again, enjoying some quality time. I feel we can survive and be even stronger than before, but he thinks that OW is special. Is there any way to change that view? I see her as an adulterer who didn't care that my husband was a family man. He says she felt terrible about that! Wow! what was she supposed to say? I hope your teen age daughters find out about us and use me as a role model someday? He just can't see. He is blind.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Aug 2010
Trying2Survive2
Member
Member # 25758
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, August 6th (Friday)

That my dear..is excellent..I shall use parts of this in that letter I'm planning to send to the other BITCH up the road.
:)


Faithful Wife ME 52
FWH 47
DDAY #1 1/11/09 EA Online ONLY (NC)
DDAY #2 6/2010 Admitted PA with the same PIG(12/08)
"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness"

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: USA
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, August 7th (Saturday)


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
sydneygal
New Member
Member # 29077
Default  Posted: 4:18 AM, August 8th (Sunday)

Christie i too have fears that my OH will think of her fondly and see her as an innocent in all this.

She had just come out of a bad relationship and he was her "shoulder to cry on" at a work conference and it went from there. I am really scared she is going to play the damsel in distress and try and get him back, even being dull as anything..

My OH says he was never emotionally attached, but i haven't got to ask if it was physical?? AND WHY? HOW??!! He is in therapy for another week, so i am unable to ask any of this, i've been left with tonnes of unanswered questions but i will definitely tell him i've seen a photo of her and seriously don't get it !!


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Sydney
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, August 8th (Sunday)

He says she felt terrible about that

Those words mean nothing if not backed up by action - 'I feel terrible but I will still do it anyway'?. Manipulation and disingenuousness at worst - at best, a giving away of 'responsibility' of her morals to another. Both giving each other permission by 'pretending' a conscience. Why 'pretending'? Because it means sod-all if you do not act on that conscience. Your H needs to believe she was special, in order to justify his actions. Your H needs to feel he was special. Hollywood and adolescent delusions. Timing is all. That is the only 'special' thing - the timing. If it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else. (That issue of timing applies equally to our marriages as well incidentally - fatalism and determinism are not external forces).

The OW 'chose' to do a thing that made her feel terrible? Oh really? Yes, only in as much as she and he have had to paint a narrative for themselves that cloaks the real use and abuse they made of each other.

Special? Yes, specially convenient. Specially exploitative. Specially self-deceiving. Specially vulnerable? Yes, that's why she accepted crumbs (dressed up as 'special'), and 'competed'. Do not compete any longer. Your husband's narrative is self-serving and should be treated as such. You cannot 'persuade' him otherwise of her actual lack of specialness (tawdry affairs are two a penny) until he is able to realise it was never about her and all about him. He's got some way to go, sorry.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
betrayedandnumb
Member
Member # 24903
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, August 27th (Friday)

Another bump


BW- me
FWH-him
3/28/09 The day he started skiing down the slippery slope
4/26/09 The day it turned PA
Dday #1 7/13/09, #2 7/16/09, #3 10/23/09, Major setback- 8/13/10
In R

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jul 2009
punkdagain
Member
Member # 29348
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, August 27th (Friday)

I really needed to read this today. Thank you for posting this!


married 11 years, together 14
#1 1998-99
#2 2007-08
#3 2010...
all POS lowlifes

not sure what I want anymore


Posts: 188 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: at the bottom of a hole
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, September 27th (Monday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
lulykr
Member
Member # 29697
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, September 27th (Monday)

I LOVE THIS!!!!!
So true and wise. When I get my self all twisted into knots over the affair I reread this. I think I'm going to print it out and put it in my jounal.
Thank you so much for posting this.

Posts: 589 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Gainesville FL
fooled09
New Member
Member # 27827
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, September 27th (Monday)

I agree with this post.
However, I would like to add that sometimes the WS is actually being pursued by the OW with full intent on making her move on them.
I feel that the WS is having thier ego stroked the right way by the wrong person.
I must say that I believe that it takes 2 people to have an A but this is just another perspective on how this could come about.


Don't let your past rob you of your present or future.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Mar 2010
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, October 8th (Friday)

Bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
phoenix_vs
Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 18th (Monday)

We need this up front again. It helps me feel better about myself, and that is a challenge when you've been pushed aside for an old girlfriend from ten years ago. He says all she did was complain. Wonder why he wanted to listen to her for another 1200 minutes? And all behind my back. Huh. Ya, I'm still upset.


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, October 18th (Monday)

It always makes me smile when I see this one bumped I am still angry, too, Phoenix...


Me: BW/33 The kidlets: DS16, DS12, and DD10 The hounds: Three Shih Tzu's The felines: Two short haired kitteh's

Posts: 11773 | Registered: Dec 2009
takilasunrise
Member
Member # 29786
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, October 18th (Monday)

This post is almost a year old and been brought to the top by it's popularity.......and am I glad I got a chance to read it! My WH is packing to move out as I write this, so I really needed to read this. We are separating because he's having a hard time dealing with my emotional rollercoaster. And to top it off, the OW has been contacting (strike that, harassing) him for over a week now......and she is psycho! So, yes, this post is total truth!


BW - Me, 49 years old
WH - Him, 51 years old)
D-Day July 2010 (several D-days to follow)
Divorced February 7, 2012

Denial isn't the way to forgiveness. The Karma for screwing over a good girl is the Bitch you end up with.


Posts: 978 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: WI
AIHAH
Member
Member # 19040
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, October 18th (Monday)

I had to stop laughing in order to bump this thread.

The weak do indeed accept what ever "scrap" they can get since they are incapable of hunting on their own!

This made my day!


Giving my best one day at a time and so is my FWH. :)
AIHAH

Posts: 860 | Registered: Apr 2008
WHATDOIDONEXT
Member
Member # 29937
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, October 31st (Sunday)

bump for newbies


DDay Sept 12th 2010.
BW 47.
FWH 46 (Penitent95).
Married 5 years
2 DS's 1 & 3 years old.
2 SDD 17 & 19 years old.

As a phoenix rises from the ashes I to shall rise from embers that were once my old life.I shall rise anew. Stronger, wiser.


Posts: 195 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: UK
Joyslyn
New Member
Member # 24027
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, October 31st (Sunday)

Really well said, DBB. Thank you!

The OW worked for me. I'm the President of the company. She was nothing. But nothing made him feel like something. How sad for them both.

I know my FWH is doing much better these days. Healthier in mind and soul. More whole. Not as broken.

At times of strength, I pray for the OW. How desperate and lonely she must have been. I am long past the days of desiring her demise. She lost everything for the "morsels" my FWH would toss her way. She lost her self-respect (if she ever had any); her job/income; her peers/friends at work. Probably her identity.

My life is forever changed because of what they did. But I'm okay. Two years later now... and I'm able to get through my nights without nightmares, and my days without tears. Well... some days I still cry. But I am loved. Always was. Even then. She wasn't... and never was.


D-Day: 4/6/09, Holy Week
A lasted 7 months.
M 8 years. Together 11 years.
My 2nd M. His 3rd M.
2 kids each - 24, 17, 15, 14
0 kids together
bs 45 (me)
wh 55
ow 51

Posts: 41 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Chicago Suburbs
StepAside
Member
Member # 29826
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, October 31st (Sunday)

Very well said. Truley a light in these days of darkness. I especially approve of the use of the term 'herd' My WS MOW really is a cow, in all senses of the word.


Me 48yrs, king of douchebagastan- 50yrs STD infected bankrupt NPD sociopathic drunk thief
countless A's, he is a predator that targets losers like himself
Last Dday 04/12/2010-Divorcing if/when his cumdumpsters lend him some $ or balls to file

Posts: 1522 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Ingersoll Ontario
StepAside
Member
Member # 29826
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, October 31st (Sunday)

oops double post

[This message edited by StepAside at 7:47 PM, October 31st (Sunday)]


Me 48yrs, king of douchebagastan- 50yrs STD infected bankrupt NPD sociopathic drunk thief
countless A's, he is a predator that targets losers like himself
Last Dday 04/12/2010-Divorcing if/when his cumdumpsters lend him some $ or balls to file

Posts: 1522 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Ingersoll Ontario
Pepper_95
Member
Member # 25858
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, October 31st (Sunday)

I guess my H situation was a semi EA where he took texting too far. She has a face like a horse and is the exact opposite of everything my H appreciates in a woman.

I know openly refer to her as Horseface and he knows who I am talking about.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: limbo
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday)

newbie bump


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18847 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, November 8th (Monday)

neewbie bump!


BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 12511 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
starstruck
Member
Member # 29547
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, November 8th (Monday)

Thanks I needed that again!!


DDay 7/29/2010
Am hoping to reconcile!! Am I crazy or what?
If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves-Thomas Edison

Posts: 335 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Pa
Shoestring
Member
Member # 20731
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, November 8th (Monday)

Is it no wonder why the OMM's wife hates my wife. He traded UP for his A. His wife ain't nothing to look at and my FWW and his wife know one another.

What I don't know is how to compare me with the OMM other than my FWW said he was bigger than me.

Boy doesn't that make me feel good or what? You can tell where my self esteem is, Huh?


H (me) 76 Nov 7th
WS (her) 75 Aug 6th
A lasted 25+ years
Maybe all our married life?
M 56 yrs on Oct 2
OMM - Same age as WS
They were Hi school sweethearts
D-day March 27, 2008
Children grown Son 48 D 44


Posts: 657 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Lancaster PA
3boysmom
Member
Member # 29953
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, November 8th (Monday)

Thanks! Love this!


BS (Me) 44 STBX WH 40 two boys, 5 and 6 (plus my 20 year old son)
D-Day Oct 6, 2010 (EA)
D-Day #2 Nov 13, 2010 (found out about PA)
Moved on, and moved out 9 months later

Posts: 452 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Michigan
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, November 9th (Tuesday)

a bump for DearLord and other newbies

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:26 AM, November 9th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 12511 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Target  Posted: 10:27 AM, November 9th (Tuesday)

bump


BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 12511 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, November 10th (Wednesday)

Newbie Bump!


BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 12511 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, November 11th (Thursday)

bump bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1328 | Registered: Apr 2009
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, November 11th (Thursday)

Bumpin this as well. Definately the case in my situation as well. Not even in the same League, she admits that having the upperhand may have been a factor....


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2067 | Registered: Nov 2010
ejms
Member
Member # 29369
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, November 11th (Thursday)

This was great thanks!!! I was always comparing us and what did she have that i didn't. The best comment came from a bartender where we frequent and where the OW showed up one night the young female bartender pulled my WH aside and said to him "i'm sorry but I just don't get it, what did you see in her" meaning OW. Surprisingly WH told me all about it.

Posts: 107 | Registered: Aug 2010
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, November 15th (Monday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
gunnisonbrown
Member
Member # 30115
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, November 15th (Monday)

Thank you SO much for posting this. The OW in our situation was also much less attractive (at least as far as I'm concerned). I've been wondering why, when WH has a fairly attractive wife, he would be compelled risk the end of our marriage to be with such an unattractive person. You've summed it all up...and I feel so much better about it.

PS...love the "desperately trying to unfuck the donkey" comment in your signature. I'm going to use that!


ME - BS - 46
WH - 51
Together 28 years, married 25 years
Two teenage sons
D-Day #1 - 10/29/10


Posts: 233 | Registered: Nov 2010
3boysmom
Member
Member # 29953
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, November 17th (Wednesday)

The OW in our situation is God awful ugly and has no morals or ethics. She is disgusting and a disgrace to the human race. He affaired way, way down.


BS (Me) 44 STBX WH 40 two boys, 5 and 6 (plus my 20 year old son)
D-Day Oct 6, 2010 (EA)
D-Day #2 Nov 13, 2010 (found out about PA)
Moved on, and moved out 9 months later

Posts: 452 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Michigan
whatdoto
Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, November 17th (Wednesday)

I saw the OW for the first time up close today. WH and I went to lunch and I took him back to work. We werein my truck and I told WH to sit right there, don't get out. I looked over at the OW, looked at WH, and said "WH, she's ugly!". He boughed his head and said "thanks". I said "well, I just don't understand why people in this A situation chose the people they do".

[This message edited by whatdoto at 4:19 PM, November 17th (Wednesday)]


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
butterfly30
Member
Member # 29356
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, November 18th (Thursday)

This post gives me new insight and courage to love myself no matter what.

My WH was so blinded by her beauty "inside and outside" that nothing else mattered. Years later he is finally coming to the realization that the pretty shiny apple is rotten to the core.


Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2010
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, November 18th (Thursday)

I saw this post weeks ago and thought, well, my WH's OW was quite attractive, so it didn't apply.
However,I have now realized, I am attractive AND of much better character.
This physically attractive OW decided her own marriage was on the rocks and contacted my husband to try to line his up as her next husband.
Did she wait until she was separated/divorced to conact my husband? No.
Did she back off when she realize my husband was married with a son still at home? No.
This OW simply has "nothing to recommend her" as Jane Austen would say.
Yes, my husband definiately affaired down.
Thanks for the post.


Me (BW) (56), Him(SAWH) (59)
Married 23 years, 1 son (20), 1 stepdaughter (28)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1634 | Registered: Nov 2010
brokenpromise
Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, November 20th (Saturday)

Bumping this one - I know it helps me every time I read it


BW- Me 62 FWS - 68
M 45 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jun 2010
Trailrider
Member
Member # 23977
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, November 20th (Saturday)

My xwh did, she is a inverted chin, hair down to her ass, ugly crumpled mouth, disgusting short bitch from hell....how he ever fell for her is beyond me.


BS me: 48
WH: 46
M.24 years. together 25
3 kids, ages 21,18,12
EA #1 1/08-7/08
PA #2 8/08-3/09
Broke NC several times
D day 9/13/08
D day 12/14/08
D day 3/30/08
D day, 12/14/09
Taking one last shot at making this work. So far so good.

Posts: 179 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Minnesota
j_b1125
Member
Member # 29075
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, November 20th (Saturday)

OW is 7 years older than WH and NOT attractive at all. I have been feeling pretty low about myself through this. I have always had super low self-esteem to begin with. This helped me start to think about things a little differently.


Me: BS, 34
Him: STBXH, 33
2 Sons: 3 years & 2 years
Together Almost 7 years, Married almost 5 years
D Day's 7/11/10 (EA), 11/7/10 (PA), 3/6/11, 4/13/11
Divorcing

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jul 2010
LovingASoldier
Member
Member # 30195
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, November 24th (Wednesday)

This actually makes me a feel a bit down. As much as I try to see it this way, I don't think it was the case.

She's 10 years younger than him. She isn't horrible looking, not stunning but not ugly. She's a little chubby, but no chubbier than me. But the one thing I don't understand is that she's french, she can type english well, but I guess having a face to face conversation is difficult. He hates french, that I really don't get. He told her he was single with no children. She found out about me and told him she wouldn't see him again. They ran into each other again and picked up with they left off because he told her he left me. In a way, I see how that makes her low because I definitely wouldn't go back to someone I spent one night with after finding out they lied to me from the very start. And then again, when she found out that we were still together and he had lied about leaving me she told him to fuck off. Then 2 days later started texting him and saying she wanted to be with him because "something special happened between them".

She's low for and trashy with no morals for wanting to stick around and be the person to help break up a family. But she didn't initially get involved with him knowing that, and I think by the time she found out she was in too deep with him.

Even now she still tries to contact him now and then, and I told H that he needed to realize what she was trying to do and what kind of person she is. His response "I do, but she is a good person overall" I wish he would just throw her under the bus and show me that he thinks she is worthless. But he doesn't...

[This message edited by LovingASoldier at 1:20 PM, November 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: 28, BS
Him: 32, fWS
Us: 4 year old son, 1 year old daughter, in R.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Nova Scotia
Junebug0525
Member
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, November 24th (Wednesday)

That's great. My ex's co-worker told him when he first started seeing her that "you're supposed to trade up, not down". Everyone that's ever met her has told me "I don't get it, she's nothing compared to you." Makes me feel all warm and tingly inside. At least now I can shop for a higher-end model than what I had before!


Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1148 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, November 24th (Wednesday)

My husband is always commenting on these celebs that have EA/PA, texting thousands of messages. He says, why would they do this when their wives are so beautiful?

I just look at him and say, "what makes you any different"?

This tells me all I need to know about this man I've been married to for 38 years.

How sad to be such a dumbass.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
brokenpromise
Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, December 3rd (Friday)

giving this a bump - always a good read


BW- Me 62 FWS - 68
M 45 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jun 2010
brokenpromise
Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, December 13th (Monday)

bumpity bump


BW- Me 62 FWS - 68
M 45 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jun 2010
Muchstrongernow
Member
Member # 30169
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, December 13th (Monday)

lucky for my man he did !!

At least I knew it wasn't a physical attraction

She only had 1 thing to offer, and according to the e mails I read, She didn't even do that well!!!!
How sad, A "friendship" ended and the 1 night of sex wasn't even a good memory for him....

UNFUCK THE DONKEY, gotta love that


hard work pays off.... so does the emotional hard work.... happy me.... worry less, do more

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: a good place
brokenpromise
Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, December 17th (Friday)

bumping this up for those in need


BW- Me 62 FWS - 68
M 45 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jun 2010
horseluvr
Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, December 17th (Friday)

Hey Trailrider--I think our WH were seeing the same skankasaurus--I love this post. Thank you for brightening my day DBB!!!!

[This message edited by horseluvr at 3:22 PM, December 17th (Friday)]


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
samsmom113
Member
Member # 30337
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, December 17th (Friday)

what about when he still chooses her over me?


Me(BS): 28
DS: 2.5
DDay 1: 10/11/10 DDay 2: 12/1/10
False R, DS and I moved out 12/1/10
D 7/6/11
Who knew life could be so wonderful

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2010
kay09
New Member
Member # 30447
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, December 18th (Saturday)

Thank you, for this. Deep down, I knew it to be true, but it's so nice to hear.


Going through the motions...

Together: 3 years
Married: Almost 2 years
Child: 16 months
D-Days: October 2010


Posts: 21 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Junebug0525
Member
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, December 26th (Sunday)

Bump


Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1148 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
his_loss
Member
Member # 30423
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, December 26th (Sunday)

The whore in our latest case is a dropout, welfare collecting scuzzball, complete with a neck tattoo...she is 10 years younger than me but looks 10 years older. She is also crackhead/malnourished thin. She lost custody of her kids. Me? I have two college degrees and have worked my whole adult life. I don't smoke or have any tattoos. I'm hot as hell, I cook, clean, cut hair...I do it all! and he cheated on me with that?!? *edited for typo.

[This message edited by his_loss at 12:42 PM, December 26th (Sunday)]


I have found my balls and you can bet your sweet ass I'm going to use them.

Logic + reality = the path to freedom.


Posts: 316 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Leading a life of quiet desperation
wordsfail
Member
Member # 30289
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, December 26th (Sunday)

AMEN.

And, may I add, in terms of "sexual prowess" (as I know this, too, is one of the areas a person's self-worth can be dealt a killing blow by a betrayer)...it's my humble opinion the vast majority of us could run circles around the OP (other pig) in terms of doing the voodoo that we do so well .

Remember - the only thing that is probably being blown satisfactorily is the betrayer's MIND (i.e. "ego").


SHE/ME: 40's
WSO: 40's
OW: x-BF, 30's
Met 11/06. Moved in 1/08. Engaged 8/09. EA 11/09. PA began ??. My Mom died 12/09. DD 2/8/10. WSO is with x-BF now. My Dad died 12/10.

Posts: 192 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: wish I knew
webmistress
Member
Member # 29816
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, December 26th (Sunday)

Here here! Well said, and every word is true. It is pathetic. I was thinking about OW the other day and it occurred to me that if H had wanted her, he could have had her years ago. They are from the same town in CA, and he lived there for 5 months while we were dating. Did he seek her out then? NO. He got in his car with a suitcase, his dog and his cat and drove 3000 miles to ME. And even after the A....he got on a plane and still came back to me. So she's a two time loser. So so sad and pitiful.


Me: BW-43
Ex-WH: 36
Married: 6 years
DDay #1: 10/5/10, one week before our
daughters 4th birthday
DDay#2: 5/21/15
D official 2/23/11
Not sure where to go from here
OW 1&2:Delusional, stupid whores

Posts: 1440 | Registered: Oct 2010
Sofia58
Member
Member # 30415
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, December 27th (Monday)

Thank you, thank you, thank you. This morning was a great morning for me to pick this post to read. I learned more about the A yesterday and drove by where she lives. The images of them in there are so vivid and painful I hardly made it through the night. Maybe this will help me have a better day today!


D-Day: 12/12/10
BS - 55, female
WS - 57, male
Married 15 years, together 18

"Forgive: sounds good. Forget: I don't think I could. They say, 'Time heals everything' but I'm still waiting."


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2010
Sofia58
Member
Member # 30415
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, December 27th (Monday)

Thank you, thank you, thank you. This morning was a great morning for me to pick this post to read. I learned more about the A yesterday and drove by where she lives. The images of them in there are so vivid and painful I hardly made it through the night. Maybe this will help me have a better day today!


D-Day: 12/12/10
BS - 55, female
WS - 57, male
Married 15 years, together 18

"Forgive: sounds good. Forget: I don't think I could. They say, 'Time heals everything' but I'm still waiting."


Posts: 185 | Registered: Dec 2010
cass
Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, December 29th (Wednesday)

bumping


DDay - April 2008
Me - 58 and doing great, alone.

When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high - you'll never walk alone.


Posts: 5089 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Scotland
LostandGuilty
Member
Member # 30493
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, December 29th (Wednesday)

The OM in my situation has no job, is addicted to drugs, has no driver's license, does not have custody of his own son (his sister does), is on food stamps, and has been arrested three times in the past 10 years for drugs. I am a banker with a steady job, have a bachelor's and master's degree, adopted the two kids from her previous marriage, and am very stable. He does have more muscle than I do, but I contribute that to him having ALOT of more time than I do. She can have him. I am filing for D very soon.

[This message edited by LostandGuilty at 12:24 PM, December 29th (Wednesday)]


"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on" - Robert Frost

BH (36)
DS (16)
DD (14)


Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: FL
IntuitionKnows
Member
Member # 30505
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, December 29th (Wednesday)

I thought this post would be about how he says there were only 5 or 6 instances of sex so there probably was at least 10. Or how he claims it was like J-off in another person since I wasn't giving it up when a 22 year old slut was going to make it fun or How it always just kinda happéned when they were hanging out but he would go over after his weekend night job so that's preplanned.

I thought affiar down ment the details.

I'm glad I read.

I am working on taking my place back at recognizing his love is for me his life is with me that I am raising our kid in a good environment. That I am who is the one at the head of the ppack.

Until it happens again in 3 yrs...

(edited to add: I understand my first thought was probably trickle truth)

[This message edited by IntuitionKnows at 4:59 PM, December 29th (Wednesday)]


The affair wasn't the worst...

Posts: 400 | Registered: Dec 2010
gunnisonbrown
Member
Member # 30115
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, January 2nd (Sunday)

Had to bump this!! Too many BW's need to read it and understand the insanity!!


ME - BS - 46
WH - 51
Together 28 years, married 25 years
Two teenage sons
D-Day #1 - 10/29/10


Posts: 233 | Registered: Nov 2010
dab110
Member
Member # 29987
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, January 2nd (Sunday)

This is so wonderful! Thank you for bumping it up so that others can see it! The best part is that the OW actually told me that she thought we had a "loveless" marriage. When I saw those words, my mouth dropped open. However, I wasn't cold-hearted, I was a "very jealous person". Why? Because I didn't want some little ho-bag texting my husband all the time. Oh... And he said he couldn't meet up with her and her friends because I would get angry. What a crazy woman I am! LOL...


Me- BS 43
Him- FWH 49

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger...


D-day: June 14, 2010


Posts: 200 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: New Jersey
WAITING4HEALING
Member
Member # 21817
Happy  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 4th (Tuesday)

I love it!!!! It truly makes a lot of sense. Thanks for the inspiration and the rational with it.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Nov 2008
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, January 4th (Tuesday)

The OM in my situation has no job, is addicted to drugs, has no driver's license, does not have custody of his own son (his sister does), is on food stamps, and has been arrested three times in the past 10 years for drugs. I am a banker with a steady job, have a bachelor's and master's degree, adopted the two kids from her previous marriage, and am very stable. He does have more muscle than I do, but I contribute that to him having ALOT of more time than I do. She can have him. I am filing for D very soon.

Lost & Guilty,

I could have written this about my WW and OM. I did file right away though. You sure that our wives aren't seeing the same lowlife?


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
CB1971
Member
Member # 30468
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, January 4th (Tuesday)

One of the reasons I finally decided to seperate and divorce is because I felt like I was the one who was with someone beneath me.

Go figure.


40, Former BH
D-day: 7/06
Divorced: 4/09

Posts: 406 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Kansas
Muchstrongernow
Member
Member # 30169
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, January 4th (Tuesday)

WOW, I have to print this one!!!

NICE

ps, this supports my theory on my H's passive aggressive tendencies


hard work pays off.... so does the emotional hard work.... happy me.... worry less, do more

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: a good place
gunnisonbrown
Member
Member # 30115
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, January 6th (Thursday)

Bumping again!! Too many BW's need to read this!!


ME - BS - 46
WH - 51
Together 28 years, married 25 years
Two teenage sons
D-Day #1 - 10/29/10


Posts: 233 | Registered: Nov 2010
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, January 8th (Saturday)


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 33 - Yikes!


Posts: 21348 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
staying4thekids
Member
Member # 30521
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, January 8th (Saturday)

Wow! I needed that!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Dec 2010
lost kiki
Member
Member # 29769
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, January 8th (Saturday)

This is my favorite Post i read it daily. Help to stop Obsessing dead in it's tracks.. So true in my situation..


Me=BS

DDAY I (Married Whore) 8/8/2010
TT 8/28/2010
DDAY II (23yo) 9/23/2012
TT 9/26/2012


NC 9/3/2010 After she and I spoke for 2 hrs..GRRRRRR!!!!
NC with #2 9/24/12
Struggling thru with my Head Held High..
I'm moving slow but I a


Posts: 154 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Illinois
sadeyes2011
New Member
Member # 30612
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, January 9th (Sunday)

THANK YOU! i needed that! I know that i am a successful woman who went to college, works at a university and just was asked if i wanted a promotion. OW is in a basically non-existent job, has no future, has 3 kids herself (we have one and one on the way) WH constantly told me that he felt sorry for her, etc. I felt exactly what you wrote but with it being so fresh it is hard to get complete peace and understanding, so this helped so much! I know i am better than her and she was someone who would listen to him and take all of his bad parts and ignore them for her own selfish satisfaction. OW was looking for someone to give her the self esteem as her husband just left her, because she was not a good wife, etc.

I AM BETTER! SHE IS SCUM!


Me 34
WS 37
DDay 12/28/10 with me 20 weeks pregnant
1 daughter and 3 year old son
18 month PA

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2011
letmego
Member
Member # 30381
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, January 13th (Thursday)

bump


As of Oct, 2010:
BW(me) 35; WH 36; employee OW 21 Together 18 years, married 9 (onlies..until OW)
DD 3, DS 7;
D-day 7/2010
D Final Nov 30, 2011

Posts: 650 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: FL
Spilledmilk
Member
Member # 30625
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, January 13th (Thursday)

YES! I LOVE THIS POST!

The OW in my case is such a scumbag. She has no job anymore after losing her fast food cashier gig. I'd be surprised if she actually graduated from high school, judging from her literacy level. She has two kids under 4 with two different guys, neither of which she was in a relationship with at the time of conceptions. She dumps those kids off on anyone who will take them, and is hated by many a former babysitter for not paying for their care. Her home is dirty inside and out. She is known around town as being a skank and has been investigated several times for mistreating her kids. Her face is squinched-looking and ugly, her eyes are beady, and her ears are like Dumbo's. I am told that her vagina smells like bad cheese, although obviously, I don't care to verify that one.

She is two years younger than me, though. LOL.

[This message edited by Spilledmilk at 11:54 AM, January 13th (Thursday)]


Me-BS-29
Him-WH-29
2 kids
He had a 5 month A- DDay July 2010
Currently in R

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jan 2011
prariegirl
Member
Member # 30787
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, January 13th (Thursday)

Thank you for this. I really needed to hear that!


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 38
Together 19 years, married for 13
Kids: 9 & 6
D-day: 1/9/11 - 18 month EA/PA
D-Day2: 3/7/11 - lots of EA and cyber affairs and a ONS.

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2011
EveryPurpose
Member
Member # 29875
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, January 13th (Thursday)

I read this early on after my Dday and I look at it time to time. Thanks for keeping it going. It kept me going in the early days.
They do always affair down. Early on it isn't easy to see this because you think there is something wrong with you but that could not be further from the truth!


DD April 20, 2010

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven ECC 3:1
I am happy to say I am stonger and better than ever. "I am not where I need to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be."


Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2010
his_loss
Member
Member # 30423
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, January 13th (Thursday)

Spilledmilk, I think you described the OW in our situation. Except yours had a job.


I have found my balls and you can bet your sweet ass I'm going to use them.

Logic + reality = the path to freedom.


Posts: 316 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Leading a life of quiet desperation
hurttothebone
Member
Member # 30767
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, January 13th (Thursday)

I am very new here. Saw this topic mentioned in a few other posts. So I hunted it down. Now I am glad I did. The OW in my case is a "recovering" Crack head. She went to rehab, because he didn't want to be with a crack head, it's ok if she does pills, booze or pot, but no crack. In his words, at least they have something in common. He is a pill head and now she is too. Ever seen a crack head? It ain't pretty.
D-Day 1-10-11
WH-53-him
BS-46-me
together 7 years, married 5. Pain daily

[This message edited by hurttothebone at 7:51 PM, January 13th (Thursday)]


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
gunnisonbrown
Member
Member # 30115
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, January 13th (Thursday)

I SO wish there was a OW forum on SI. The the OW needs to see how she is perceived by everyone else, even our WH's!!

Bump! Bump! Bump!!


ME - BS - 46
WH - 51
Together 28 years, married 25 years
Two teenage sons
D-Day #1 - 10/29/10


Posts: 233 | Registered: Nov 2010
SadSpouse
Member
Member # 13133
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, January 13th (Thursday)

WOW, I really did need this tonight.

She is skinny and blond....I'll never be a blond. Not even close.

She IS older than me though.

And she is just a piece of shit.


Everything happens for a reason......we may not know why at the moment, but God has a reason.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Midwest
shocknraw
New Member
Member # 30821
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, January 14th (Friday)

I just copied and pasted this in an email to my WH. It is completely true about the OW. Thank you.


BS: 52
WS: 48
Married 10 years
No kids
DDay 12/15/2010, anniversary of him asking me to marry him in 2000. How ironic.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Washington
Spilledmilk
Member
Member # 30625
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, January 14th (Friday)

I SO wish there was a OW forum on SI. The the OW needs to see how she is perceived by everyone else, even our WH's!!

Don't worry- they lurk here. They know. There are other forums for OWs- I started reading them after DDay to get an idea of what type of person I was dealing with. I actually found them comforting- these women (there didn't seem to be many men there) are messed-up, period. Not happy, sexy vamps- sad, lonely, pathetic, desperate women. Really- the OP hit it out of the park with this post- it's totally accurate.

Seriously- Are we allowed to post pictures? That would be fun, huh?!

I'm guessing we're not, or someone would've done it already.... am I right?

'Cause if we can post pictures, I think it would make this thread super-funny and I'd be happy to go first!!! (How 'bout it, mod(s)?)


Me-BS-29
Him-WH-29
2 kids
He had a 5 month A- DDay July 2010
Currently in R

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jan 2011
hurttothebone
Member
Member # 30767
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, January 15th (Saturday)

I have come here and read this a few times. So I wanted to bump it for some of the newbies.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
LuckyCat
Member
Member # 30750
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, January 15th (Saturday)

On top of being unattractive, the OW is a bisexual, alcoholic, gold digger. She has no morals and formulated a plan to take her husband for his money, then leave him to raise her children with my WSO. Secretly, he found the suggestion appalling and profoundly f*ed up. He considered her mentally unstable and trashy. While he may not have disagreed with her ideas outright, choosing to laugh them off, I know my WSO well enough to trust him when he says he had no interest in raising her children by other men. Particularly not in the manner she was describing. According to my WSO, she actually smelled...terribly...at points while they were intimate. He volunteered this detail recently. I didn't ask and never expected to hear such a thing. He practically whispered it, he was so embarrassed. He said it was her general body odor, and not limited to private parts. Nice. He always hated the way she dressed. She had absolutely zero style. He found her socially embarrassing. She was pretentious and crass. The way she talked about herself around friends and strangers made him wince and want to hide.

I, too, wish we could post pictures...comparison photos! But, Christ, I think we would be libel or something.

I do hope the OWs lurk and get an eyeful of reality. What our WS thought afterward, but how they also perceived them all along.

[This message edited by LuckyCat at 4:08 PM, January 15th (Saturday)]


Me- BGF (32 yo)
Him- WSO (31 yo)
D-Day November 14, 2009
*Working Through It*

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jan 2011
beyondpain6107
Member
Member # 15120
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, January 16th (Sunday)

in EVERY case I know this is true.

OW who is now his wife, looks like a man. Everyone thinks she is a lesbian, and a manly one at that. She had 4 affairs in her first marriage.

There are other things about her, but I don't have enough time to list it all

Goes to show affairs are NOT about the BS


Me-BS(then 35)
Divorced 2008
Married 15 years
D-Day 6/01/07
D-Day #2 7/25/07 - I'm so stupid for believing
Dday #3 2/19/08 False R - Was good for a while
D 7/16/08
2 Children S-17 D-14

Praising God everyday for setting me free.


Posts: 984 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, January 18th (Tuesday)

BUMP


BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 12511 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
hurttothebone
Member
Member # 30767
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, January 18th (Tuesday)

Bump. Newbies need this.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
AIHAH
Member
Member # 19040
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, January 18th (Tuesday)

This is my favorite. If you can't laugh today at it, then you will in the future...


Giving my best one day at a time and so is my FWH. :)
AIHAH

Posts: 860 | Registered: Apr 2008
girlsbird
Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, January 18th (Tuesday)

As a newbie I want to Thank You for this. and oh baby did he ever "Affair Down" This "IT" (her nickname in my home) is so low she needs a step ladder to kiss the belly of a snake!


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
Hit_By_A_Hammer
Member
Member # 30849
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, January 18th (Tuesday)

that was fascinating. When I first found out (by looking at her facebook page - nice!) I was bemused. She came across as shallow and boring, and judging by the photos she chose to put up on her profile, a fat, pug-faced troll.

Not that I'm saying I'd rather he'd chosen supermodels with Oxbridge PhDs, but that?! I wouldn't have cleaned the floor with her.


BS (me) 33, WH 33,1 son aged 5
OW 1 - sex twice, autumn 2000
OW 2 - not quite sex, Nov 2000
OW 3 - sex 4 times, c. 2003
OW 4 - sex on holiday, 2006, again, 2007
OW 5 - brief sexual relationship, 2008
OW 6 - sex once, c.2008
OW 7 - sex x 2, 2009/10

Posts: 482 | Registered: Jan 2011
hurttothebone
Member
Member # 30767
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, January 20th (Thursday)

Newbies need this. I know I still read it often. Thanks for the post. BUMP BUMP BUMP

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
inmisery1
Member
Member # 30905
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, January 21st (Friday)

The OW in my case is a karoake hostess in a bar, I did a little internet search. Turns out, here in Japan karoake bars are fronts for prostition. My H tells me she told him she is 42, but he saw her immigration card and she is actually 48, also she is a grandmother. I've seen her picture(found his email, she sent him pictures) I expected to see this beautiful asian woman, instead she is unattractive woman with an abnormally large head ( a lot bigger than my husbands) so basically my h chose to jeapordize our 25 year relationship with an ugly hooker with a short shelf and a big head

Posts: 280 | Registered: Jan 2011
hurttothebone
Member
Member # 30767
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, January 22nd (Saturday)

so many people out there hurting. Seems like at least 2 out of 3 people I know have been through this. WOW. Bump.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
hurttothebone
Member
Member # 30767
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, January 24th (Monday)

This is a good read for newbies. Bump.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
Faith2011
Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, January 24th (Monday)

My WH had the audacity to brightly ask me what I thought of his skank from her pic on FB?!

I muttered "nothing special". She is no more attractive than me except she's slimmer. But for what's inside? Honey she's low enough to go for a man who is in a relationship, she's CHEATING on her husband, therefore she's a liar, a cheat and a user.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
Rise And Shine
Member
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, January 24th (Monday)

she is unattractive woman with an abnormally large head ( a lot bigger than my husbands)


April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
boudicca
Member
Member # 30136
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, January 27th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 2529 | Registered: Nov 2010
bfmvalentine
Member
Member # 30358
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, January 27th (Thursday)

Thanks for this motivation today, my self esteem is hurtin at the moment. I can take solace in the fact though that from his pictures, my WW's OM very closely resembles the characted Sloth from the movie the Goonies


Me BS 38
WW 35
DDAY 8/9/10
Married 7 years
1 5yr old special needs son

Posts: 94 | Registered: Dec 2010
girlsbird
Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, January 27th (Thursday)

Your not kidding. I got to find out what "IT" looked like from a Department of Corrections photo..Very flattering.


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
tryingtosmile
Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, January 27th (Thursday)

This is awesome. Thank you xoxo


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
gunnisonbrown
Member
Member # 30115
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, February 4th (Friday)

bumpity bump!!!


ME - BS - 46
WH - 51
Together 28 years, married 25 years
Two teenage sons
D-Day #1 - 10/29/10


Posts: 233 | Registered: Nov 2010
IntuitionKnows
Member
Member # 30505
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, February 4th (Friday)

Bump cause too many new folks these last couple of days


The affair wasn't the worst...

Posts: 400 | Registered: Dec 2010
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, February 5th (Saturday)

I LOVE this - it really speaks to my situation and is very helpful to me today


Divorced

Posts: 882 | Registered: Jan 2011
TryingMyHardest
Member
Member # 27168
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, February 5th (Saturday)

I think about this all the time. You can find my posts in here from a year ago or so.

OM #1: Patient transporter in the hospital, a friend of mine did that as a volunteer in high school

OM#2: Fat guy, old high school boyfriend, unemployed, no college

OM#3: Who knows? Nothing's come out of the woodwork yet.

This guy? Good lookin', good money, gradate school, excellent father, excellent cook.

If WS married you, you're probably the best they could find. So they're not gonna top you.


Married 2006
2 kids, 4yo
D-Day 1: December 30th 2009
D-Day 2: 2/1/11
D-day 3: 2/13/11
D-Day 4: 3/28/11
WW Drug addict for 2 years, Morphine, Fentanyl, Xanax, clean since June '09
5 OM, about 20 seperate sexual encounters

Posts: 215 | Registered: Jan 2010
phoenix_vs
Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, February 6th (Sunday)

So, I read this every time it gets bumped, and it made me feel a little better, and then it hit me:

What's wrong with us?

We're not ugly enough![/bold

[This message edited by phoenix_vs at 4:39 PM, February 6th (Sunday)]


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
IntuitionKnows
Member
Member # 30505
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, February 11th (Friday)

Bumped because this helped me through so much!


The affair wasn't the worst...

Posts: 400 | Registered: Dec 2010
surprisedfool
Member
Member # 24266
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, February 11th (Friday)

OM#1 - old boyfriend, hate him but can understand attraction

OM#2 dirty old man in all its meanings. Could only perform some of the time. Really!!!

OM#3 wtf???? just a piece of trash that is falling apart.

OM#4 expect it to be equal to roadkill.

I guess I should feel better that WW affaired down but instead it just sickens me. How could I have been married to that?


me: BH 40ish
her: WW 40ish
married 20+ years
"love is a four letter word"

Posts: 68 | Registered: Jun 2009
Ms_Strong
Member
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, February 11th (Friday)

Thank you DDB.


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 311 | Registered: Jan 2011
deathbybetrayal
Member
Member # 22478
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, February 11th (Friday)


Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Jan 2009
IntuitionKnows
Member
Member # 30505
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, February 11th (Friday)

SurprisedFool,

I totally hear what you are saying and I can feel that she really hurt you.

I haven't read ALL the responses, but I'm wondering if this may be a male /female diff. It seems that the BW's identify more with with the post.

I'm wondering how the bh experince is different in dealing with the choice of OP.


The affair wasn't the worst...

Posts: 400 | Registered: Dec 2010
hissadwife
Member
Member # 14982
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, February 11th (Friday)

My WH had the audacity to brightly ask me what I thought of his skank from her pic on FB?!

Oh my God, Faith! If FWH said that to me they'd be the last words he spoke through his own teeth.


Does this wedding ring make my dick look big?

Posts: 4362 | Registered: Jun 2007
scamper10
New Member
Member # 30545
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, February 12th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: pittsburgh,pa
mefirst
Member
Member # 13135
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 12th (Saturday)

But of course their choices are skanks, inmates, unemployed and worthless.

The WS is always broken, so it makes sense. Their self-esteem and self-respect is nonexistant. They MUST be adored, in fantasy. The only minions prepared to take that role are society's castoffs.

Makes perfect sense.


Courage is not the absence of fear; it's acting in the face of fear.

Posts: 905 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Arizona
MzMagoo
Member
Member # 30978
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, February 12th (Saturday)

ah, yes...

His current little "friend" that he has been texting and calling, is married, has 5 kids, and hasn't worked, like, ever.

His A...well, overweight and almost toothless, with large drug habit. Lovely.


BS (me) 37/WS (him)37
M 13 years/together 18
DD 1~ 8-10/ DD 2~ 11-10
3 kids~ S 14, D 10, D 10
Filed for D: 11-10
R: Trying to trust it is real
If you walk around the pool long enough, you are bound to fall in.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: At the moment? Hell.
Tresemme
Member
Member # 31185
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, February 14th (Monday)

I loveeee this =)


(Me)Bw late 30s
On 5/1/10 I learned I hired a succubus as a live in nanny and that she was preg w an OC! Status-planning my escape ( im physically afraid of him or idve filed for D already)

Posts: 433 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Florida
Crushed38
Member
Member # 30644
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, February 14th (Monday)

God, I SO WANNA POST this in an OW forum, and they do have them out there because I just googled it!!


It's amazing that someone can break your heart and you still love them with all of the little pieces. -unknown

Posts: 1540 | Registered: Jan 2011
NOTINKANSAS
Member
Member # 31199
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, February 15th (Tuesday)

Thank you so much for this post. I have read it over and over.


I'm 33
He's 31
Recovering from SA
4 kids
D-Day 01-06-11 (Husband confessed sex 2x in 2009 with "trashy" girl from the ghetto)
D-Day 2 May 7, 2011 (confessed the rest of the betrayals)

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
Canteatorsleep
New Member
Member # 31205
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, February 15th (Tuesday)

Thank you for this post


DD: 2/12/11
Me (BS): 31
Him (WS): 32
Together: 13 years
Married: 3 1/2 years

Posts: 21 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Hell
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, February 17th (Thursday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Crushed38
Member
Member # 30644
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, February 24th (Thursday)

Just wanted to give this thread a bump for anyone who might need to read it again, or for the first time.


It's amazing that someone can break your heart and you still love them with all of the little pieces. -unknown

Posts: 1540 | Registered: Jan 2011
Ms_Strong
Member
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, February 24th (Thursday)

And these women are totally okay with not being able to go out in public with their 'boyfriend', and know that every time he leaves her bedroom they are going home to sleep beside and wake up beside someone he is not ashamed of. What type of woman is happy to be that? The OW in my case is not unemployed, is smart, but I do wonder why she settled for that type of life instead of a proper boyfriend for 18m???


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 311 | Registered: Jan 2011
Crushed38
Member
Member # 30644
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, February 24th (Thursday)

Because whatever her outward appearance is or whatever the public perception of her is, she's a morally weak person - the weakest of the pack - no character, no grit, an easy target. She's a piece of shit, with no self-esteem or self-worth.

[This message edited by Crushed38 at 8:29 PM, February 24th (Thursday)]


It's amazing that someone can break your heart and you still love them with all of the little pieces. -unknown

Posts: 1540 | Registered: Jan 2011
butterfly30
Member
Member # 29356
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, February 24th (Thursday)

WH had his head so far up his butt that his secret name for her was "Virtuous". Seriously. This insightful post helped me see that I am the only one in this nightmare that has earned that title.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2010
SongSungBlue
New Member
Member # 31265
Wink  Posted: 10:05 PM, February 24th (Thursday)

Brilliant!!!! Thank you so much..... brilliant and so, so true....


M: 17 Years
Dday: 12/7/2010
Me: 40
H: 47
Daughter: 16
Son: 14
Reconciling

Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2011
s+++forbrains
Member
Member # 18128
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday)

LOVE IT!! Thank you, I will be reminding myself every time I see the ap.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Feb 2008
soso1110
Member
Member # 31376
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday)

That just made me cry. It is so true. I often wonder what she had that I didn't. The girl my SO cheated with is very pretty and thin. BUT she knew he had a family and she knew he was not plannign on leaving but she still tried. she still begged, she still said she loved him etc...I could NEVER do that!!! now thanks to your post, I know what she doesnt have....self respect!!

Posts: 302 | Registered: Mar 2011
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, March 3rd (Thursday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
journey2peace
Member
Member # 31157
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, March 3rd (Thursday)

I have spent the past month feeling horrible because WHs SOW was tall, thin, very attractive.

WH told me that she was married for a long time and was divorced about a year and a half ago and that even though he wore condoms (except during the oral sex ) she was such a nice girl and wouldn't have been a big STD risk.

In reality, it turns out she has been divorced multiple times, lived with other men between the marriages/divorces, but somehow ended up loving WH "more than she has ever loved anyone in her entire life." This after two months. No real dates (out to dinner once, they each paid for their own meal), only a handfull of booty calls. She can really pick the winners

It took me about a month to finally understand this concept. But, it's true...they always affair down.


Falling down is part of life. Getting back up is living.

Posts: 192 | Registered: Feb 2011
Crushed38
Member
Member # 30644
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 4th (Friday)

Bumping this up again.


It's amazing that someone can break your heart and you still love them with all of the little pieces. -unknown

Posts: 1540 | Registered: Jan 2011
ReallyWeary
Member
Member # 31406
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, March 4th (Friday)

Needed someone to look up to him. I was always pressing for more. I work hard, expected him to work hard. I bring home a good salary. I expected him to bring home a good salary. I have a standard of living that I want to maintain. Expected him to do his part. His OWs were economically-challenged, poorly educated, and he could play Big Dog. They wouldn't push for more or be upset when he changed jobs again, or was unemployed for 6 months at a time. He came home and told me that he was a "catch", a red-flag that I missed.


BW (Me) 52
F? WH 53

DD#1 - EA Only (?) 12/25/07 25 YO Assistant
DD#2 - EA Only (?) 6/10/10 48 YO Assistant
M 14 Years, no Children together, 3 adult children


Posts: 63 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: South
betrayedONE
Member
Member # 29650
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, March 4th (Friday)

Good stuff. Although hard to read considering FWW was the OW. Sad but true. My wife was more atractive and that boosted her esteem at the time. You nailed it though. That was pure luck.

OW sold her soul for the morsels

Isn’t it ironic that cheaters often call each other Soul mates (I found emails) when they are selling their souls.

[This message edited by betrayedONE at 11:27 AM, March 4th (Friday)]


Dday: 11/16/07
R with remorseful W
Me : 42 BH
MM: 41 Piece of shit married Cop
Her: 39 FWW
Together 21 years, married 18
Children: Boy 7 Girl 10

Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Texas
areyoukidding
Member
Member # 30528
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, March 4th (Friday)

Not happy, sexy vamps- sad, lonely, pathetic, desperate women.

EXACTLY!!

I saw a picture of the OW and was completely shocked. She is unattractive, skanky, and looks like a wannabe porn star (but a really bad immitation). I showed friends of mine her picture and the look on their faces is priceless. "He left you for that???!!!"

I hear she has three little kids - really interesting as STBX never wanted kids (although he has a son from a previous relationship). She has left a relationship to be with STBX and convinced him to do the same ("whether you leave her today or next year, you're still going to hurt her"). STBX has moved in with OW the day after d-day to the "haven" she created for them. STBX has no money, has maxed out his credit cards, is battling depression, has restricted visitation with his son, is hanging on to his job by a thread, and his friends and family want nothing to do with him. Now they will be combining families. Nice role models for your children, you two!!

STBX always said he didn't think he was enough for me - I've come to realize now he was right.


One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can't change.

Posts: 823 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Canada
Dyantha
New Member
Member # 31493
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, March 11th (Friday)

BS Only

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 12:00 PM, March 11th (Friday)]


Me: FWS/BS
Him: FBS/WS
His D-day: May 2007
My D-day: Mar 2 2011
Together: 13 years
NC: Mar 3 2011
Trying to reconsille

Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Ottawa, ON
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, March 11th (Friday)

bump.

Posts: 9227 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, March 15th (Tuesday)

Bump for SadCat22


BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2067 | Registered: Nov 2010
whatdoto
Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, March 17th (Thursday)

bump for horse crazy


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
stronger than he
Member
Member # 31533
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, March 17th (Thursday)

Thank you for this.


"The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast." - Oscar Wilde

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2011
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 29th (Tuesday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
afraidshesgone
Member
Member # 28625
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, March 29th (Tuesday)

This has always been one of my favorite posts and I can attest that it exactly spot on!

Thanks for the bump

-GSG


Me, BW, old enough
D-Day dates.. tired of 'em Let's just say it happened, I'm over it and have moved on.....very happy

Despite my screen name, I am very much a woman and hell yeah I wish I could change that name to gladshesgone


Posts: 1765 | Registered: May 2010 | From: The Land of Guilder
hurtinbrzl
New Member
Member # 31669
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)

Just what I needed to hear.
Thank you so much!


BW 35 (me)
WH 46
One daughter - age 5
Married 10 years

"It´s open season on liars and I´m hunting"
from Pretty Little Liars


Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2011
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, March 30th (Wednesday)

bump for moonshine and lotstoloose



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1328 | Registered: Apr 2009
lotstolose
Member
Member # 30158
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, March 30th (Wednesday)

Bravo. I want to print this out and post it on my office all.


me: BW 41
him: WH 41
married 9 years, together 17
2 great kids, both under 4

Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2010
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, April 5th (Tuesday)

alacabump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
LostandGuilty
Member
Member # 30493
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, April 6th (Wednesday)

Bump


"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on" - Robert Frost

BH (36)
DS (16)
DD (14)


Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: FL
Betty Betty
Member
Member # 31714
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, April 6th (Wednesday)

I love this thread. It is so spot on. Sometimes I lurk on some "other women" websites, and it is amazing how they see themselves. Needless to say, they don't often see themselves as they are described in this thread. But those other websites do provide good entertainment.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Apr 2011
East of Eden
Member
Member # 31763
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, April 6th (Wednesday)

Love this! Thanks so much!


BW- Me (35) WH- Him (35)
DD-4 DS-2
D-day #1 3/13/2011
D-day #2 5/2/2011
D-day #3 6/10/2011
Status: REALLY pissed off....

Posts: 281 | Registered: Apr 2011
Jrazz
Moderator
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, April 6th (Wednesday)

This one needs to be kept fresh forever! Thank you! I'll be referring as many BS's as I can.


I really fear acting without thought. -sisoon

Posts: 28679 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
dontwantthis
Member
Member # 31518
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, April 7th (Thursday)

I need help. I feel like he didn't affair down. Now I personally don't think she is attractive. From what I know of her, she is single, 4 or 5 years younger than me, a has a degree, is the same high job level my H is (same big company), into sports he likes and wine like him.

I on the other hand didn't finish school and have been a SAHM until last year when I went back to work part time. My not working apparently a BIG issue in his unhappiness.

The only bad thing I can say is that she was a little clueless and in denial. He never told her he was married and had 3 kids. She told him AFTER I confronted them together, that she saw his ring but then he wasn't wearing it anymore so she thought he was separated, yet she never asked him.
Words of wisdom, 2 x 4's anything will help!
I guess another bad thing is she took him back after finding out about me and kids. He "claims" he not involved with anyone now, but like I can believe him.

[This message edited by dontwantthis at 7:12 AM, April 16th (Saturday)]


Posts: 54 | Registered: Mar 2011
Bluebells
Member
Member # 31776
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, April 7th (Thursday)

dontwantthis - he did affair down. She wants to take him after KNOWING what he is able to do to his wife and family.

The OW in my situation is pretty (except for the huge mole on her face) and petite, but you know what - anyone who wants or tries to take someone's spouse is second best, and your spouse knows that you are a better person than she is. No matter what they look like or what their job is, they are a downgrade.


DDday: March 1, 2011
BW(me): 27
WH: 36
Married June 2009, together 8 years
OW: ongoing EA/PA, started October 2010
Separated March 24, 2011
Divorced Summer 2012
Signed D paperwork end of March, 2012; currently waiting for certificate that D is

Posts: 316 | Registered: Apr 2011
dontwantthis
Member
Member # 31518
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, April 9th (Saturday)

Thank you Bluebells. I know you're right, a good person wouldn't be ok going after someone else's husband. Her character is lacking, mine isn't.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Mar 2011
mom22kids
Member
Member # 16994
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, April 18th (Monday)

Whenever I have a down day I read this post and feel better!


You're not having a bad day. You are having a normal BS day. You are fine.

Posts: 1624 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: what's worse than hell?
devastatedinsd
New Member
Member # 31881
Sad  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 18th (Monday)

deathbybetrayal

I just read your first blog -the from from November, 2009. It makes PERFECT sense to me!!!!!!! OMG - I get it now! But even though the hurt and pain of his betrayal are still devastating and I still can't eat, sleep or barely function, what you said really hit home to me! I feel like I have only two choices in my life, for me and my innocent children, and that is Reconciliation or Divorce! There's no in between - no, gray area! And I know my DDay was on March 20th, 2011 and I shouldn't make any decisions yet, I still start down one of those paths each and every day only to run like hell back to the starting point because I am so scared! I HATE HIM for making me choose either path! What I thought was suppose to be forever - is now the biggest decision I feel I will ever have to make and if I screw it up, I and my children will suffer greatly for it! I don't want him but I need him! I just wish I didn't love him anymore and that would make my decision easier! Even though I am very weak, physically, I'm trying to get the strength to kick him back out of the house! So I can think without him around. He wants to Reconcile and make things better and soooooo sorry & blah, blah, blah - don't care, don't want to hear, just want to punch him in the face or kick him somewhere else! What the HELL am I going to do??????


devastatedinsd
D-Day: March 20, 2011; 8:15 PM
(BS) Me: 49
(WH) Him: 45
Married 14 1/2 yrs; together 18 yrs
2 beautiful and innocent children: 13 & 10
New saw it coming! At least not this!

Posts: 10 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: san diego
wanttofeelwhole
Member
Member # 31830
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, April 18th (Monday)

I have not been here long, but I must say the first time I read this post, about two weeks ago, it made me feel confident, and strong, which is exactly what I need. I truly believe it should be added to the healing library so that it will always be accessible to all the newbies, and anyone else who needs a boost (I personally copied and pasted it so I could always access). Thank you for your words.
I have a thought. I believeit may not be the OW weakness that keeps them at the back of the pack, but our strength, and all the people that truly condemn this type of behavior. To be as manipulating and calculating as these women appear to be I question how weak they could possible be. They make a conscience choice to become involved with a married person, although stupid and terribly mean, not sure so weak. I believe they know exactly what they are doing, they calculate every action and response to assure that they stroke the ego of the WS while pointing out how bad married life is, all while appearing sweet and innocent, like they have the WS's best interest at heart.
I am not writing this to disagree with the original post, because I believe it to be brillant. I write this because these women are predators that always seem to be available to pounce. They should not be discounted because they are dangerous. We are better, we are stronger and I pray to God we are smarter. These women need to be kept at the back of the pack by strong, faithful, moral people like us. They always affair down because these women are scavangers willing to live with the scraps and left overs of others, never quite "good" enough to make it on their own.
Stay true to yourself and stay strong, if this relationship does not work there is a reason and there are better things to come.


Sorry I don't edit the typos
Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to.-Unknown
For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth.-Bo Bennett
Memory is a complicated thing, a rel

Posts: 786 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Sliding down the backside of the rainbow
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, April 18th (Monday)

I agree with wantofeelwhole -- look at your bunny boilers for example. Jeesh, one of my IRL friends who also knew OW (notice the past tense , good girl) said out of the blue the other day she'd seen some movie on TV where there was an OW who tried to kill the wife and she immediately thought of OW and that she was amazed once again that OW didn't try to off me. (This friend wound up with a front-row seat to OW's crazy-jealous land ... before figuring out what was going on and bailing on OW to be friends with only me.)

Anyway, point is, was she amoral and broken? Sure. BUT yes, many are predators...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
momma3times
Member
Member # 30092
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, April 18th (Monday)

Love, love, love this thread!! DBB is so spot on!!

Bump it!


Me: BS (37 yrs.)
Him: FWS (39 yrs.) EA via emails and phone calls that lasted 2-3 months.
Married 13 yrs, together for 19 yrs.
2 DDs (ages 9 and 5), 1 DS (3)
DDay 1/13/2010 (while I was 9 months pregnant!). Confronted him on 3/21/11

Posts: 76 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Southern part of Missouri
Balancing Act
Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, April 20th (Wednesday)

*bump*


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
time heals
New Member
Member # 31839
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, April 20th (Wednesday)

Well written, just trying to believe it is true, maybe in time eh?
xxx

Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: uk
Jrazz
Moderator
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 21st (Thursday)

BUMP! for lovetotry


I really fear acting without thought. -sisoon

Posts: 28679 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Junebug0525
Member
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, April 23rd (Saturday)

I never realized how this fits XH and OW to a tee. I knew it fit XH because he needs that ego boost and someone to make him feel good about himself, but I never really thought that way about her. She's young, pretty, taller and a little thinner than me, seems like she was probably homecoming queen or something like that. It wasn't until my boyfriend came with me to DS's soccer game and HE noticed her body language right away. Insecure, shy, uncomfortable, etc. So, I guess it does fit well. There was never any doubt that he affaired down, but now I can actually see it. And after all the lies he told her (probably more than me), she still accepted his behavior...

[This message edited by Junebug0525 at 5:25 AM, April 23rd (Saturday)]


Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1148 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
SusanR
Member
Member # 29368
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, April 23rd (Saturday)

This post helped me greatly on several occasions. TY DBB!

Posts: 1968 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
deathbybetrayal
Member
Member # 22478
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, April 23rd (Saturday)

DBB


Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Jan 2009
phoenix_vs
Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)

Yeah, saw her on Facebook last nite, man is she ugly! I know a couple more things I didn't know six years ago, and that is that she has pursued him off and on since they broke up (way before me). She sent him a birthday present a few years ago. All this time I wondered who sent him the present that he lied about, and said it was his aunt and uncle. Then he forgot he lied and told me where his aunt and uncle live. Funny, it wasn't the same address. Long story short, some detective work and all of a sudden there is was right in front of my face. She mailed it from a friends house and that was the address. I recognized the handwriting from some cards he had saved.
I gotta find a job in another town. I hate both of them right now. Poor OW, I thought she was just pathetic. Now I know she's a pathetic predator.
Damn it.


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
seeker2010
Member
Member # 31552
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)

Thank you for reminding me of this. I am having a bit of a rough day today, and I needed to remember that his actions speak about HIM, not about me. My reactions are the only ones that speak about ME, and I can and am changing those. If he doesn't change--I can move on. He'll still be the same lowlife that cheated on me, but *I* will have grown and learned. Crazy as it may sound, his cheating will make *me* a better person for it. Even now, I have a much more solid appreciation for my own value--it seems to have taken him disrespecting me to make the scales drop from my eyes, not just about him, but about me, too.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2011
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, May 11th (Wednesday)

bump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
betrayedONE
Member
Member # 29650
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, May 12th (Thursday)

they always affair down

This post helped me put it all in prospective. It’s so true. Monica Lewinsky comes to mind. Although FWW was the better looking one she was in a low place. He was/is a POS.
How can someone who cheats on his wife be a trade up? Makes no sense.


Dday: 11/16/07
R with remorseful W
Me : 42 BH
MM: 41 Piece of shit married Cop
Her: 39 FWW
Together 21 years, married 18
Children: Boy 7 Girl 10

Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Texas
runorstay
Member
Member # 32137
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, May 12th (Thursday)

LOVED this! Thank you!


BS (me): 34
WS: 35
Together 12 years, married 6.
3 DD: 2,4, 10
D Day #1: November 20, 2010
D Day #2: January 11, 2011
Status: In R

"After a hurricane, comes a rainbow." Katy Perry


Posts: 335 | Registered: May 2011
strength&beauty
Member
Member # 30321
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, May 12th (Thursday)

SOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD!!!

SOOOOOOOOO very true!

this made me smile and empowered me. thank you.


I edit alot because i read my posts after i hit submit. i don't catch my errors until then!

Posts: 139 | Registered: Dec 2010
r_jane
New Member
Member # 32105
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 12th (Thursday)

Oh... perfectly put.

Thank you for this.


Posts: 30 | Registered: May 2011
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, May 14th (Saturday)

bump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
Stronger1
New Member
Member # 32190
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 19th (Thursday)

DBB, thank you. I have recently joined SI but had read many things since dday in dec 2010. Nothing has made me feel as good and strong as this. I have read it several mornings since and even copied and pasted it to my journal and read it several times there. You are so spot on it is incredible. Thank you so much for this post.

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2011
LostandGuilty
Member
Member # 30493
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 23rd (Monday)

Everyone new to this site must read this! Amazing.


"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on" - Robert Frost

BH (36)
DS (16)
DD (14)


Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: FL
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, May 28th (Saturday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, June 6th (Monday)

bump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
Junebug0525
Member
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, June 6th (Monday)

I can read this over and over. I love it!


Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1148 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
WarInside
Member
Member # 31736
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, June 6th (Monday)

There's a lot of truth to what is written here... but as the BS of a WW who cheated with another married man, it's still hard to read.


31-year-old X-BH
29-year-old X-WW

D-Day in October 2010.

Separated In August 2011.

Divorced in March 2012.

Happy again.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Apr 2011
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, June 13th (Monday)

bump


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 15th (Wednesday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
jadedheart
Member
Member # 32046
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, June 16th (Thursday)

AMEN AMEN AMEN! DBB you are so wise! Thank you for sharing such an awesome post! You have touched many with your words!


Me 45
FWH 47
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
Dday 09/24/2010
"You can't control how others behave, you can only control your reaction."

Posts: 980 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Indiana
LionessQn76
Member
Member # 32366
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, June 16th (Thursday)

WOW JUST WOW

that is the most empowering speech I have read. thank you girl for this!


Only the strong survives!

Posts: 424 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: New York City
forever.haunted
Member
Member # 28645
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, June 16th (Thursday)

Amen! OW is not at all on my level. H KNOWS he affaired WAY down and is very ashamed.

And in the end, after H threw OW under the bus, she knew for a fact that she was the "back of the pack"


BS/Madhatter

Posts: 1328 | Registered: May 2010
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 21st (Tuesday)

Bump for sad, sad husband


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
phoenix34
Member
Member # 32007
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, June 21st (Tuesday)

Remind me to read this whenever I feel rubbish about myself!


May 2014 - haven't needed to log on for over two years now!

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: UK
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, June 23rd (Thursday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, June 30th (Thursday)

bump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
rockbottom2468
Member
Member # 32496
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 30th (Thursday)

After learning more about the OW....I need a *like* button for this post.


Me: BS-29
Him: XH-33
Dday: June 2011
Together: 13 years
Children: DD(8), DS (6), DD2 (8 months)
Status: He left for 20yo OW.

"Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger"


Posts: 1058 | Registered: Jun 2011
notjessie
Member
Member # 32472
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 2nd (Saturday)

Thanks to all who bumped this. The original post is great and it does help me to make sense of this--a tiny bit. Or at least gives me another way to look at stuff.


Me 52 BW
Him 54 WH
Married 30+ years
In R, so far

Posts: 53 | Registered: Jun 2011
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, July 2nd (Saturday)

HI

Most often he leaves her where he found her, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack – even weaker and more injured than when he found her. She’s worse for the wear.

Who can imagine Arnie playing house with Patty???

Yeh right

Laura


Married 33yrs Me BW 59Yrs Him FWH 62yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2772 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
keepingcalm
Member
Member # 32623
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, July 4th (Monday)

So true. I could read this 100 times a day!


ME: 30
WH: 31
Two kids, 2 and 4
DD: April 2011 (he denies)

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jun 2011
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, July 19th (Tuesday)

Bumping for a newbie.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs or maybe 7yrs.
Me: BS, still young. Him, WS, old
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee stalker.
4 grown boys, one still at uni.
"There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after."

Posts: 3871 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
kitkat22
Member
Member # 29877
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 19th (Tuesday)

I read this post before just after D-Day and it helped me so much. After re-reading it now, just as I am approaching my first antiversary, it means sooooo much more and it is all true. He did affair way down, he did toss her aside immediately for me, and he has done everything in his power since to make our marriage whole again. Thank you for this delicious post...I love it.


Vanity Working on a Weak Mind Produces Every Kind of Mischief...Jane Austin

D-Day - September 3, 2010, 5:30 am
Currently in reconciliation and happy.

Married 22 years, together 23


Posts: 416 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
fenrustf
New Member
Member # 32683
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 19th (Tuesday)

That's funny... I had this exact conversation with a friend who also had a WW.

In my case my WS betrayed me for another guy who can't be honored with the title of man.

I actually have very little self esteem issues as a result of being betrayed. Without sounding egotistical, I know that I am a great man. I have been a kick ass provider, I'm reasonably good looking, I'm smart and funny, I'm a good father, I stay in shape and I play guitar in a band!

Seriously what woman wouldn't want that?

The OP she was having an affair with is still a boy. He works only 2 hours a day if that and spends the rest of his time playing video games. In short he is the epitome of a douche bag! I still can't wrap my brain around why my WW would throw away all the things I gave to her but I know it has everything to do with her.

I gave her the life she wanted - there was nothing that she was without.

In my case I truly believe that my WW was not ready to grow up and was not happy with her life as a house wife. I can understand to a point about not being satisfied with her daily life but she knew that it was only temporary. She had been staying home to raise our young son but as soon as he started going to school she was going to get another job and become more independant again.

The irony is that we were almost there - she had only a few more months to wait before she would have had what she needed. So close to the end and she got weak. She threw it all away.

But I have not taken a hit to the ego in the process! I must be a rarity. At least I have that going. Now I will have to struggle through a difficult divorce process and adjust to becomming a single father - that's what scares me. But I know I'm strong and I will get through it.

Thanks so much for this topic!


BS: Me (33)
WS: Her (25)
1 kid - 3 1/2 year old boy
DDay - June 22 2011
DDay #2 - July 22 2011 (trippy huh?)
Married 2007
OP: 23, former "friend" and neighbor
Deciding whether to R or D

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Denver, Colorado
myalterego
Member
Member # 32756
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)

wow, just wow.

The OP just hit home. I'm tempted to forward this to my WH. Or the OW. But that won't accomplish anything except make me feel better for a moment. And feeling better for a moment isn't what I need. Because its like a high that goes away and leaves you at a new low. Instead, I will keep my equilibrium and strength and smile when I think of this.


Posts: 147 | Registered: Jul 2011
beachbrenda
Member
Member # 32410
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)

I guess I needed to read this again today. The problem I am having is this: I don't need to hear these words from others in my shoes. I need to hear these words from my own WH and I don't think I'll ever get them. He has ended the A (well, she ended actually, but he is no longer interested). He tells me all the time that he will never do this again. He tells me that he will work on our R and M. He tells me that I need to heal and he will do whatever he can to help me heal. BUT he won't talk badly about OW/xBF. And THAT kills me!!!

I truly can't understand what he saw in her. I know the woman--better than even he did. Okay, I never fucked her, but I know her heart, I know how she thinks, I know what lies she had to tell herself and him and me to keep this bullshit up for almost a year!!! I grew up with that c*** for God's sake! AND I just want to hear from him that she is a skanky, mother-fucking, piece of shit, whore faced bitch! (or something along those lines... ) But he doesn't speak ill of her and that just bites.

I want him to hate her as much as I do. I want him to tell me that she is NOTHING compared to me. I want to hear from him that chosing her--or anyone for that matter--over me was stupid and selfish and fruitless. I want to hear how amazing I am for trying R after he fucked up so badly. I want, I want, I want...

Sorry for the rant... and BTW, now I know what 'bump' means. Thanks!


me--40 BS
him--46 WH
5 kids--13, 10, 8 & 6 (and stillborn would be 14)
"Have the utmost concern for what's right rather than who's right."

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Oregon coast
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)

I want him to hate her as much as I do

This was always very important to me. I actually made my WH say it.

He should hate her if only because her actions hurt me. This does not discount what he did. WH should do what makes you feel better!


BS (me)60 FWH 72
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)

Another AMEN here!

My STBXH's cumdumpster is everything you said - especially trash!!


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 14435 | Registered: Jul 2011
MyUnbearablePain
New Member
Member # 32833
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)

This post is great! I have been struggling to understand how my WH could possibly downgrade as extreme as he did. This homewrecking bitch is so freaking ugly, you wouldn't even believe it.

One of the most common comments I've heard about her is that she looks like a man! She has an ugly face, double chins, a dumpy body best described by one of my friends as a "squatty dumptruck" and a haircut that looks like she stuck her finger in an electrical socket. It is so hard to wrap my mind around this extreme downgrade, so I'm finding this post really helpful.

I do agree that the OW is often a predator. In fact I just described her this way today to my WH before I read this post. She was a "friend" who was there to comfort him and help him de-stress when we were having problems.

More like a pathetic and trashy predator who saw an opportunity to get with a MM while he was not thinking straight. Talk about low class and no morals. Not that I'm saying my WH wasn't to blame too- he definitely was. But if this skank was actually a friend to him, she would've encouraged him to work on his marriage and not help him be unfaithful and possibly ruin his marriage.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2011
mmrichet
Member
Member # 32475
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)

WOW...
You should really feel so proud that your words truely hit home for somany of us!!
Thank you again,cause I needed to read that tonight..

Posts: 303 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: RI
frustrated6
New Member
Member # 31907
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, July 20th (Wednesday)

so glad I found this post this morning Very well put

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: washington pa
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, July 21st (Thursday)


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
this_sucks
New Member
Member # 32842
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, July 21st (Thursday)

My wife definately went to the bottom of the barrel to find hers. When they met almost 3 years ago she had left me and met him then when she found out he was still sleeping around she wanted to come back to me and I let her without knowing about him.

Last summer he was in an accident and his married sister, that knows my wife is with me called her to say he might not make it (too bad he did) and she knew he would want her to come see him, when he woke up from coma he gave her a I want you back letter.

So this year we had decided I was going to move out to get pain meds straightened out (2 back surgeries lots of pain) she says she contacted him to get him back for cheating on her 3 years ago, I guess because I wouldnt be home, it gave her something to do.

Anyway I have one year till retirement from Military, him 30 years old, thinks he can be a singer, lives with mom, no car, no job, loves to smoke pot, and drive around back roads drinking bear.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2011
Jrazz
Moderator
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, July 21st (Thursday)

Long live this post!!!! I'm always glad to see it again.


I really fear acting without thought. -sisoon

Posts: 28679 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Angry_and_Hurt
Member
Member # 32784
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 21st (Thursday)

I have to say that reading this post makes me feel so much better.

Thank you for the great post and keeping it alive.

A little self esteem boost never hurt anyone


DD#1- 7/3/11 (Says it was EA affair only)
DD#2-3/26/12 (Same OW,Admits it progressed to PA)
WS wants to R, seems to be doing everything right, but I just don't know if I have it in me.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jul 2011
momtobdestroyed
Member
Member # 32004
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, July 22nd (Friday)

i reread this again,and i must say this single post has been one of the most healing things i have ever read. it saved my self esteem and helped me look at myself with respect and honor. thank you for this gift!


me BS 33yrs old, one 3.5yr old
him WS 33yrs old
affair of 4 years
married 5.5yrs
DD March19/2011

Posts: 304 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: canada
fragilehwc
Member
Member # 32783
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 25th (Monday)

goodness, this fits ww to a "T". OW has been in ER four times in the last 3 months, has a tumor and a drain in head for tumor. and because of tumor had to have gastric bypass one year ago and has had a hernia because of it. she looks 45 but is only 32.
Me have been told i look 30yo but a i am 43yo. no joke. thanks to never smoking no to drugs. yes i am 280 lbs,have hypothyroidism, light asthma,and a history of depression. however i've never been to ER until about three years ago for an abcess in my lower leg. otherwise i am healthy.


dday 7/10/2011
ME = BW 44yo
HER = WW 55YO
3 spoiled rotten dogs
I am a strong woman
if difficulties make you stronger this shit is going to make me unapproachable in a dark alley.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: carolina
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, August 8th (Monday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, August 13th (Saturday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Jrazz
Moderator
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, August 20th (Saturday)

Bumppetty Bump Bump!


I really fear acting without thought. -sisoon

Posts: 28679 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, August 23rd (Tuesday)

bump


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4430 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
katieboo
Member
Member # 33039
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, August 24th (Wednesday)

Very, very true. The most recent OW sent me an email telling me she just took my WH out for a "test drive." She told me "You are insecure and not attractive so get a tummy tuck and wear some makeup...Maybe that would help." I am insecure but not unattractive. She is very unattractive however, but think she's very hot. I also do NOT need a tummy tuck as my stomach is the one thing I take pride in and I wear makeup everyday- it's just natural and not in bright blues, greens and whore looking like hers. I didn't respond to her email but want so badly to tell her "You are the woman who screwed my husband in a hotel bathroom while your two children were sleeping in the beds...You win the mother of the year award!" I mean seriously, what kind of trash does that. (Yes, I include my WH in that statement. Even to this day that part of the A is what bugs me the most) She is trash, she makes everything about her....when my WH told her no more she told him he wouldn't be able to stay away. She resorted to saying she was pregnant. She is desperate and all I can do is pray that someday she gets what she deserves.


Me BS 35
WH 33
Married 7 years
D-Day #1 June 30, 2011
D-Day #2 Aug 13, 2011
Children: 1 daughter, 5 years old and 1 son, 2.5 years old

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be live


Posts: 496 | Registered: Aug 2011
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, August 25th (Thursday)


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
surviving101
Member
Member # 33181
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, August 27th (Saturday)

Thank you... you have made it so much clearer... GOD BLESS YOU.


"I don't want to spoil the rest of your movie... but at the end everything will be all right."

Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2011
debi9kids
Member
Member # 33208
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, August 27th (Saturday)

Oh wow.
Today is my D-Day and my husband isn't home. He's at work, because of the hurricane, in another state where OW lives and although we are doing great 1 year later, I still was feeling SO low.
Incredibly low.

And much as ALL of the comments seem to agree, this is perfection.
OW was SUCH a downgrade from me and I just couldn't understand it and allowed it to wreck havoc on my low, low self-esteem (basically feeling that if he could go with her, what must he really think of me...)

I will also agree though that OW is a predator. She is a re-peat offender, with ours being the 3rd marriage she has tried to destroy. (the other 2 she was successful)

Sorry, I'm being so long-winded.
Thank you! Sincerely.
Thank you.


Me: 42 Him: 41
OW: 43 (crazy stalker)
Married: 18 years, together 22
Children: 20 ds, 19dd, 18dd, 16ds, 15ds, 15ds, 12ds, twins: 7dd & 7ds
confirmed OC 3ds

Posts: 163 | Registered: Aug 2011
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, August 27th (Saturday)

Very well said. Why the heck do you think that most ws come running back home with their tail between their legs asking for forgiveness. They had no more intention of leaving the "horrible, dull, lifeless" marriage (or so the cheaters tell each other) than the man on the moon winking at us. It was meant only for fun, excitement, flattery, and free sex. It is just so sad the aftermath they leave behind.

Posts: 2600 | Registered: Sep 2005
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, September 12th (Monday)

Bump to avoid slippage.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
If_I_Knew_Then
Member
Member # 32968
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, September 12th (Monday)

The more I learn, the more I see that it really was a huge step down.

It ties to her need to feel "more important" and like he needed her and her feelings that I don't need her as much as she needs me.

I think he may actually be "more" than she thought but she "projected" him down, to better feed her needs.


Me: BH 50
Her: WW 50
2 Adult kids
D-Day #1 (3 parts) 03
D-Day #2 6/11

Posts: 728 | Registered: Aug 2011
worst-year-ever
Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, September 12th (Monday)

I was so hoping that someone would bump this. I needed to read it again.

The more I find out about her, this truer this is.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Painfool
Member
Member # 33227
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, September 13th (Tuesday)

Excellent post! And so spot on! Think every newly betrayed spouse should read this, I really do.

Thankyou


Married 11 years, together 14.
1 child, aged 8.
XWS (34)
Me (32)
D-day 11/08/11
Attempted R and ALMOST made it
D April 2015

Almost doesn't count.


Posts: 1899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: United Kingdom
boontje
Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, September 13th (Tuesday)

This was exactly what I needed to read today. OW has no idea how much pain she has caused, and never will, because she is a selfish user. I can only hope she doesn't destroy another marriage.


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011

Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don't have the strength.

--Theodore Roosevelt


Posts: 1327 | Registered: Aug 2011
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, September 19th (Monday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
crickett
New Member
Member # 33393
What?  Posted: 5:54 PM, September 19th (Monday)

[This message edited by crickett at 3:32 PM, September 22nd (Thursday)]


me 55
WH 57
We have two grown children


Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2011
militarymech
Member
Member # 33362
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, September 19th (Monday)

This may be true for men, but when my WW strayed, she did a HUGE step up...

I'm a RN... The OW (Yes my wife left for a woman) Is a Neurophysiologist (think top 1% of doctors) and a multi-millionare....

I'm smart, she's BRILLIANT. I'm well educated, She's Ivy League......

Like I said... Except for the fact that I'm a KISA, she wins almost every column


D-Day: 9/11/11 - 11 years, 9 months and 8 days after we met and fell in love.
The Worst Day of my life: 10/15/11. The Day I hurt the one who ripped my heart out

Posts: 314 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Chicagoland
militarymech
Member
Member # 33362
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, September 19th (Monday)

This may be true for men, but when my WW strayed, she did a HUGE step up...

I'm a RN... The OW (Yes my wife left for a woman) Is a Neurophysiologist (think top 1% of doctors) and a multi-millionare....

I'm smart, she's BRILLIANT. I'm well educated, She's Ivy League......

Like I said... Except for the fact that I'm a KISA, she wins almost every column


D-Day: 9/11/11 - 11 years, 9 months and 8 days after we met and fell in love.
The Worst Day of my life: 10/15/11. The Day I hurt the one who ripped my heart out

Posts: 314 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Chicagoland
anewbeachgirl
Member
Member # 32667
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, September 19th (Monday)

Militarymech:
Wow! That's a lot to deal with. I am praying, as I write-- for you and your family. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Peace be to you.


Me:BS
Him: I divorced him...not much else to say! married: 3 years
Sep:10-2011
Div: 2/11
Kids: 1 Daughter-grown & married
Picking up the pieces of a sweet shattered dream.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jul 2011
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, September 19th (Monday)

militarymech:

I have to respond to your post because it's important for you and everyone else to know that the "down" concept sometimes does slap us right in the face in terms of the OP's looks, personality, education, etc. In a lot of cases, the OP is obviously beneath us in terms of the outside/surface factors that we can see right off the bat.

Other times, those surface factors appear to be either on par or even better than the BS. There are people here who will say that the OP was better looking, thinner, smarter, made more money, etc., etc., etc.

Either way, the choice of OP hurts.

What I want to say to you though is, it does not matter. None of this matters because, regardless of the surface, the OP is, by definition, lower. They are broken at the core. Upstanding, loyal, caring people don't actively contribute to the demise of a marriage and a family. Those kinds of people don't give married men and women a second glance. So, whatever is on the outside, the inside of OP is rotten.

I've said this many times before and, while it's a crass saying, it fits this situation to a tee - no matter how hard you try, you can't shine a turd.

Please take this to heart. I know it's hard to make the comparisons and that this hurts like hell. But this is not about your job or your level of education or the amount of money that you make. This is about two broken, selfish people.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 3623 | Registered: Jan 2011
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, September 20th (Tuesday)

This was great to read today. Feeling down and nervous today as we're only a week out from D-Day and we have our first MC session tomorrow, this was a great pick-me-up...may have to copy and keep in a safe place!


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013


Posts: 2156 | Registered: Sep 2011
laughagain?
Member
Member # 30559
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, September 22nd (Thursday)

Whenever I am feeling H did it 'cause he wanted someone smaller and more attractive I read this and it helps me get through another day.


Me: BS 48
Him: WH 52
Dday 1: 9/9/2010 (2 days after 25th anniversary)

Posts: 57 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: United States
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, September 22nd (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 9227 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Bassgirl
New Member
Member # 33339
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, September 22nd (Thursday)

Thanks for the great post. It does help. But I am still trying to get a grip on the "why" of it.
Oh and he told me I was a better lover than her. Guess that was suppose to make me feel better.


Do not confuse kindness for blindness.
D- day 8/18/11

Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Arkansas
worst-year-ever
Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, September 22nd (Thursday)

Yep...I'm way better in bed too. Nice to know he thinks that NOW.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
ungracie
Member
Member # 31901
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, September 23rd (Friday)

My husband says he didn't affair down, he affaired under... Under a Rock. He said ap was not in my league since dday. He never wavered, even though I cried that ap must have been "more" some how. Then...I read ap's emails (emotional IQ..around 14, IQ..a few points higher). I saw what ap looked like (I laughed, I fucking laughed so fucking hard, think 53 year old troll doll with neon pink hair), I told him I would be ashamed to even say I touched that, he said "I am". Then he said "I told you, don't ever think you are less than in any way. I was the one that was less than, never you."


Me:50BS
married 26 years
together for 29 years
DDay:04/12/10 EA/PA
Working at R

The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.
Ben Okri


Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: canada
Jrazz
Moderator
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, September 27th (Tuesday)

Needed to read this tonight. Bumping for anyone else who this might help.


I really fear acting without thought. -sisoon

Posts: 28679 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
lostmymarbles
Member
Member # 21246
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, September 27th (Tuesday)

ok
well i tried to work out why her?

yes she is pretty-slimmer than me-but different than me.
she has also been married 4 times and to the best of my knowledge told my ws she had had 3 affairs prior to him!like she should get a medal for it!
why would you be so stupid to think thta's a good thing to tell someone?
She was also not the brightest bulb in the box!

Me-I am younger than her-naturally blonde still at 45,have never dyed my hair-and i'm not a dumb blonde either :)Now I'm average size (thanks to not wanting to eat) but I wasn't that big to start with.I now it doesn't matter about looks now.

WS did say that he did feel superior to her-it was another dawning realization this weekend when we discussed her character-he admitted he just noticed these flaws initially but brushed them aside-

I feel we are getting somewhere that he admits she wasn't as marvelous as once thought!

He definitely affaired down


3 strikes and you're out

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2008
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, September 27th (Tuesday)

I also thought today that if the OW(plural) were lesser than me in the eyes of my stbxh than I guess the same applies to him in the eyes of the OW who were cheating on their H's?

I don't think that side of it has occurred to him yet.

Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1102 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, September 27th (Tuesday)

Yep Ellejay. They both affaired down. He affaired down with because she was easy meat, a guarantee through their previous history, someone who felt entitled and didn’t give a shit about anyone but herself. She could never measure up to me. She affaired down with WH because he was a man willing to cheat on his wife, a man who had no morals about fucking another man’s wife and who paid for it all on expenses.

They always affair down because decent people don’t have affairs.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs or maybe 7yrs.
Me: BS, still young. Him, WS, old
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee stalker.
4 grown boys, one still at uni.
"There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after."

Posts: 3871 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
shocked4
Member
Member # 33447
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, September 27th (Tuesday)

Thank you so much. At first I obsessed about what they looked like (imagination only). Then I found one weighed more than me and the other is 12 years older. I was shocked at that one. I had just assumed they were better than me. I still struggle with this so thank you.


D-Day August 17, 2011
M-23 years
4 children ages 10-23

Posts: 136 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Ohio
whyreally
Member
Member # 33292
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, September 27th (Tuesday)

I hate that she is younger (22) I hate that she is skinny... though I am too...

but... she knows about me... she knows about my kids... so obviously she is ok with a deadbeat dad and a deadbeat husband... I agree she accepts him at his worse.. which I WILL Not do... I deserve better!


ME 30
WH 31
5 young kid

been together 13 years.
Dday: 2 many 2 count
Needing the support to go through with the divorce that I need to have


Posts: 170 | Registered: Sep 2011
Hurt To The Core
Member
Member # 33510
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, October 3rd (Monday)

Thank you!!!! Although I am 4 months out I still compare myself to her. I might have to keep rereading this post.


BS - now 40
WH - now 41
2 Beautiful Children
DDay - Found Chat on March 30, 2011 (my gut told me at that time they slept together) He finally admitted to the affair on May 24, 2011.
Status - Workinging on R

Posts: 83 | Registered: Oct 2011
surviving101
Member
Member # 33181
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, October 3rd (Monday)

This is probably the post that helped me the most in my darkest hour.

Thank you!


"I don't want to spoil the rest of your movie... but at the end everything will be all right."

Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2011
cobraadvice
Member
Member # 32452
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, October 3rd (Monday)

Me too, thank you! I am 4 1/2 months out from D-Day and agree they affair down. I think to make themselves feel better. The only thing my WH AP has is a Dentist for a husband so a much bigger home, more toys, expensive cars and more money.... I laugh thinking that she thought my WH could leave me and give her this? Not after his huge alimony and he is in construction, we barely make ends meet and I am happy with what I have :)


Me 50, WH 50
OW 52, looks older and fake, not worth a 2nd look.
Married 24 years, together 27 years
3 sons,
DDay May 2011
DDay#2 Oct 2011,
Separated for a month, asked to move home, in R and it has its ups and downs but it is now more limbo

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2011
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, October 12th (Wednesday)

Last night my 13 year old DD said to me (and she was laughing at the time). "Mum, I'm not just saying this, but I found some pictures on Dad's cell phone the other day of OW2. They were normal pictures, nothing bad. BUT......God she's ugly!! Don't tell Dad I said that though because I don't want to hurt his feelings".

I didn't have the heart to tell her that it really isn't anything about looks, it's about finding someone with the same low morals as he has. I won't destroy her image of her Dad though. I'm sure she'll come to that realisation in her own time, in her own way.


Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1102 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
isthisforreal
Member
Member # 30926
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 13th (Thursday)

If only we could share photos of these pathetic AP here. I showed a picture of FWH's blowjob biker bitch, to my BAN friends (beyond affairs network), they were horrified. There was an audible gasp and then "Oh my god, she looks like Cruella de Ville!"

[This message edited by isthisforreal at 9:32 AM, October 13th (Thursday)]


BW me 47
WH him 52
married 24 years
DD 9/15/10
3 incredible teenage daughters
"it only hurts when I breathe"

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jan 2011
npain
Member
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, October 13th (Thursday)

This was just the post I needed to lift my spirits today. The OW was 11 years younger than me and thinner, but I agree, they definitely affair down. Cause no "real" woman would stoop to that level. There's a reason they were just sleeping with them and married to us, isn't there? N ot every ho you can bring home to momma...


S, Filed 4/17/14--YAY, ME!!

Posts: 515 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
emotiona hell
Member
Member # 31781
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, October 13th (Thursday)

I didn't have the heart to tell her that it really isn't anything about looks, it's about finding someone with the same low morals as he has.

Ellejay, WEll said
( how do you do the quotes)

[This message edited by emotiona hell at 11:04 PM, October 13th (Thursday)]



Me BS 41
WH 43
DS 12 DD 21
Married 23 years
DDay 6/26/10
Filed for divorce 11/23/11

Posts: 218 | Registered: Apr 2011
life4
Member
Member # 33399
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 20th (Thursday)

Love, love love this! Thank you sooooo much! Wish I read this 5 months ago!

Posts: 67 | Registered: Sep 2011
bellamaxjoy
New Member
Member # 32927
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, October 21st (Friday)

this was a gift to me this morning. I know in my heart he affaired down, but my insecurities take over and I think, I need to be thinner, prettier, better sex, understanding,.,,,,agggggg
I know that I am much better looking that she, but she is skinny, and I am not heavy but not skinny. I am 5 months out and still needed this.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Jul 2011
LvIsaLonelyRd
New Member
Member # 33630
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, October 21st (Friday)

Beautifully stated and all so very true! Thank you for this post, it is highly up-lifting!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: East Coast
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, October 24th (Monday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
SusanR
Member
Member # 29368
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, October 24th (Monday)

One of the all time great posts on SI! Bump. Bump. Bump.

Helped mr tremendously in the early going when my self-esteem was rocked.

Many thanks!


Posts: 1968 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, October 28th (Friday)

For StrgrThanIThght.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
StrgrThanIThght
Member
Member # 33634
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, October 28th (Friday)

Wow, what a great post. In my sitch, the MOW was the predator, and my WS was the weakest in the herd at her workplace. She picked him off by stroking his ego on a daily basis.

I found out from her BS that she was married before, and cheated on her first husband the same way. A fact, BTW, she neglected to tell my WS. He thought he knew her so well. So well, in fact that he destroyed a two-decade relationship with me. Ain't that a slap in the face for him?


Me - BW (40)
Him - FWH (43) (he has earned the "capital" F)
D-Day - Sept 2011
Us: Working concurrently on ourselves and R

Posts: 391 | Registered: Oct 2011
GK109
Member
Member # 33680
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, October 29th (Saturday)

Great post!!!

Posts: 64 | Registered: Oct 2011
anxiousme
New Member
Member # 33766
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, October 29th (Saturday)

This is the best thing I have read in a week. I just got in touch with the OW's BH yesterday, and now my WS is having nightmares about me dating someone. He then proceeded to tell me he deleted all female friends from his phone accept for his son's mom, who he had his EA with, and asked me to delete all my guy friends. I don't think its fair at all because I have never done anything to betray his trust and have been an open book from the beginning. The OW is no prize...especially in the looks department and at first I felt even worse about myself because he went for a less attractive person than me, but this really made me feel a ton better


DD October 11, 2011
Married 2 years
2 beautiful boys

Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Minnesota
laughagain?
Member
Member # 30559
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, November 5th (Saturday)

This post has helped me so much over the past year, I just love it!
She got the worst parts for sure and now she not only lost her lover but her husband is divorcing her. So she is “at the back of the pack”.
Now, if only I could regain my strength, one day at a time I will.


Me: BS 48
Him: WH 52
Dday 1: 9/9/2010 (2 days after 25th anniversary)

Posts: 57 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: United States
Sas!
Member
Member # 31762
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, November 5th (Saturday)

Well, I have recently hired myself a PI to find out about my WH's OW. I suspected that even though she had a 4 year old son, she had never been married. Wh claims that she told him she was divorced. He would never tell me anything at all about her, so I decided to find out for myself. I mean, she knew all about me and my kid and our marriage....probably way more than anyone has a right to know about my private life. Anyway, as I suspected the PI found that she had never been married.

I was not looking for anything earth shattering about this woman, but boy did I get my monies worth from my PI. Apparently she used to work at a local strip club!! This explains why a woman with a masters degree in accounting and a decent job, is working every Saturday night at a bar right next door to another strip club. She obviously has a thing for strip clubs.

Now for the jaw dropping part. The PI was able to give me the Ow's "baby daddy's" name. I took the name and did my own online search. Just curious. Damn!! This guy has his entire body covered in tattoos and piercings. He also has pics of himself doing something called "body suspension". For those who have no idea what that is...like myself..until now. This guy had 5 huge steel hooks (looks like fish hooks) put thru the upper part of his back/shoulder area, and he was suspended from a tree to just hang in mid air. These pics almost made me sick.

Now...for the absolute clincher....the father of the ow's baby was charged last month with indecent liberties with a child/under 6yrs of age, and put under 1.6 million bond!! This is the element that the ow lives around!! My wh is a cop!! I think he has completely lost his damn mind!

I no longer worry about my self esteem when it comes to this complete piece of trash. The title of this thread is soo true.

[This message edited by Sas! at 8:27 AM, November 5th (Saturday)]


Sas! (Shady Ass Shit)
Me-BW
WH

Posts: 142 | Registered: Apr 2011
katieboo
Member
Member # 33039
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, November 21st (Monday)

bump


Me BS 35
WH 33
Married 7 years
D-Day #1 June 30, 2011
D-Day #2 Aug 13, 2011
Children: 1 daughter, 5 years old and 1 son, 2.5 years old

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be live


Posts: 496 | Registered: Aug 2011
laughagain?
Member
Member # 30559
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, November 21st (Monday)

Thanks for bumping! One of those days I needed to read this again!


Me: BS 48
Him: WH 52
Dday 1: 9/9/2010 (2 days after 25th anniversary)

Posts: 57 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: United States
ShallLoveHer
Member
Member # 33811
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, November 21st (Monday)

This is awesome. My WW's AP is a lying manipulator. We talked last night about how she had tried to bring him up by getting him to stop lying and by getting closer to God. I told her that he brought her far further down that she brought him up. She agreed.

Thanks for bumping this.


Me: BH, 43yo
Her: WW, 40yo
Married 16y w/ 3 kids
D-Day #1 Aug 12,2011 D-Day #2 Oct 30, 2011
Currently in the crucible.

John 3:17 - For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Michigan
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, November 21st (Monday)

Still need to read this occasionally. Coming up to 3rd yr. This is soooooo true.

Thanks,


BS (me)60 FWH 72
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
wtf2
Member
Member # 33952
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, November 21st (Monday)

OK, I want to believe that, but having a hard time. Both FWH and MOW were married. He didn't hunt her, she hunted him and he joyfully and quickly went along.

Why is she the bottom of the pack anymore than he is? He definitely used her to boost his self esteem, but she did the same to him. She adored him and looked up to him like god, but she knows I'm better than her in EVERYTHING but got him to "fall in love" with her so quickly nonetheless. I'm sure that was an ego booster too.

It would have been nice to truly believe this, please convince me :)

[This message edited by wtf2 at 11:45 AM, November 21st (Monday)]


Me - BW. Able to feel happy again. Sometimes.
Him - FWH. He did the unfuckable
3 superstar kids - light of my life
OW - used to be one of my closest friends
A - lasted 1 year
DD - Jan 2011
R'ed

Posts: 212 | Registered: Nov 2011
lifeblowntobits
Member
Member # 33687
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, November 21st (Monday)

Thanks for bumping this up...I need to read it DAILY!!!


Me-BS-44, Him-WH-45-very remorseful
OW-Married, opportunistic co-worker whore
DD#1 7-30-2011: everything else lies until 2-12-12
Married 11years, DS19y, DS15y
2.5 years out: in a good place, light at the end of the tunnel


Posts: 1646 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Illinois
struggling16
Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, November 21st (Monday)

Wonderful. I needed to read this today. Thank you so much. This is a perfect example of why I love SI-there's always someone wiser and more articulate to give voice to feelings.

Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2011
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, November 24th (Thursday)

bumping


FBS-Me, 63
FWH-Him, 58
2 Sons 28 and 33
2 Daughters 31, 27 And 5 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Jacks13
New Member
Member # 33303
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, November 29th (Tuesday)

Thank you for this


Me:26
WS:32
Dday:sept04/11
Together 5 years
6mth old daughter
Affair began right after daughter's birth

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Canada
confusedkitty
Member
Member # 33824
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, November 29th (Tuesday)

I've read this daily since I first saw it last week. It's helped so much - thank you.

Posts: 98 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Louisiana
thscantbreal
New Member
Member # 34060
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 30th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much for this post!! It truly helps and makes sense!!!


Me: BS 37
Him: WH 41
Together 12 yrs/married 10 yrs
DDay#1 11/23/11 (admitted to cheating, but lied about details)
DDay#2 11/28/11

OW: 45, married 22 yrs w/2 kids


Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ga
1109mama
New Member
Member # 33790
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, December 1st (Thursday)

Thanks for this! I needed to hear these words.


BS (me)- 28
SA FWH (him)- 29
D-day #1 (part of the story) 7/5/11
D-day #2(the WHOLE story) 7/11/11
Married 4 1/2 yrs, together 5 yrs.
Working on R..
~What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!~

Posts: 19 | Registered: Oct 2011
dessyk
New Member
Member # 34020
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, December 3rd (Saturday)

This is our inner strength. This resonates with the person we really are. Strong, lovable and worthwhile. Totally hits the mark of our own self worth!!!!


Married for 6 years
OW is my sister
Parents sided with her....OUCH
DD 10/21/2011
Got the real story 11/8/2011

Posts: 15 | Registered: Nov 2011
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, December 3rd (Saturday)

She adored him and looked up to him like god, but she knows I'm better than her in EVERYTHING but got him to "fall in love" with her so quickly nonetheless. I'm sure that was an ego booster too.

Wtf2,

Your H did most likely was 'in lust' and 'in love' with the amphetamine high of the A and the OW's handmaiden adoration, not the OW herself.

Dbb's original post wording is very similar to your observations above:

"The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Our wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath them, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch? The fact is … they always trade down. If she happens to be prettier, or thinner – it’s just pure luck that the wrapping is worth more than the gift inside. What’s inside, is no match for you. You’re beautiful, and faithful, strong and possibly the mother of his children. The truth is, the OW could be anyone, anyone slow enough to be caught and willing to accept what little our husbands had to offer."


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Tropicalblush
Member
Member # 33877
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, December 3rd (Saturday)

oh, thank you, thank you, thank you... I had heard about this thread, but never seen it before today. Although I'm 7 months out from D-day, this is STILL an issue I struggle with. This post really made my day. I am smiling more than I have for ages.

I still think my H is a POS, and the joke is on him, because I will be smiling at him all day today, and he'll think I'm being all nice and loving, when in fact, I'll be thinking of this post.

wondering whether to give it to him to read later tonight.... ????


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 46
Together 17 years, married 12
2 DS, 10 & 8
DDay 1 Easter Sunday April 24 2011 he confessed 18 month affair
DDay 2 June 26 2011 - I discovered an additional ONS in Aug 2008, and 4 years of multiple online sex-chat affairs

Posts: 65 | Registered: Nov 2011
letmego
Member
Member # 30381
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, December 3rd (Saturday)

I was just looking for this thread. I always questioned whether or not XWH "affaired down" because OW was 21 without children and I was 35 w 2 children. My confidence was shot thanks to XWH. However, the day my D was final I got this text from XWH:

You should know that everyone thinks I'm an idiot for what I've done. They always say things like "why would you leave the perfect girl for her? " and "you downgraded".

So, even if YOU cannot see it in the beginning due to the trauma of the A, they all really do AFFAIR DOWN!!!

[This message edited by letmego at 7:19 PM, December 4th (Sunday)]


As of Oct, 2010:
BW(me) 35; WH 36; employee OW 21 Together 18 years, married 9 (onlies..until OW)
DD 3, DS 7;
D-day 7/2010
D Final Nov 30, 2011

Posts: 650 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: FL
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, December 8th (Thursday)

Bump.

As a result of reading this thread, I decided to search for some of those "OW" forums.

I wouldn't recommend it close to DDay, but it was a real eye opener.

The justifications they use are amazing, and the "support" they give each other ("honey, it is not YOUR fault. It is something missing in his marriage"), the lies they swallow ("my poor MM has not gotten sex from his wife in 8 years. How can his wife expect him to live like that?") are incredible.

My favourite though was the one who said, "My MM so badly wants to leave his wife but she knows about us and told him that if he leaves, he will never see his children again. What kind of woman stays with a man who doesn't want her?" yes, because here at JFO we all know that the BS has the power to make it so that the WS can't see their children again, right?

I will be the first to admit that before DDay I was naive, but I believed what I did based on vows taken and 16 years of shared history. The level of stupidity needed to be an AP proves that indeed, they do always affair down.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid. 1 on the way.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1795 | Registered: Nov 2010
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, December 18th (Sunday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
survivor_kh
Member
Member # 33738
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, December 18th (Sunday)

I needed this. Very true words! They are just hard to remember sometimes.


Surviving is important, thriving is elegant- Maya Angelou

you is kind, you is smart, you is important


Posts: 297 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, January 5th (Thursday)

I will be the first to admit that before DDay I was naive, but I believed what I did based on vows taken and 16 years of shared history. The level of stupidity needed to be an AP proves that indeed, they do always affair down.

I am almost at the 3 yr mark post Dday and...

I still love to read this post.

We all know what the motives of our WH were.

But the motives of the OW???

This says it all. My FWH said that last OW (LTA) was really stupid, and that is the only thing he said that made sense. Sometimes I think he may have been happier with someone less his equal. Is that why they affair down???


BS (me)60 FWH 72
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
Survivor6388
Member
Member # 34049
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, January 5th (Thursday)

I keep telling myself this.

But at this point I'm really failing.


Me BS: 23
Him WS: 26
2 kids DD is 3 DS is 2

D-day: 11/27/11 12 EAs and 2 PAs 14 OW
Status: I don't care anymore. I'm trapped and I don't want to be here.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Fort Hood TX
BetrayedSAHM
Member
Member # 27305
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, January 5th (Thursday)

This is so, so true. Thanks for sharing - and re-posting.

Two years out from d-day and headed for divorce: sometimes the WS is just as broken as the OP and we, the BSs, are better off ending the marriage.


Me: BW (41); Him: STBXWH (43)
DS(3) & DD(3)
Dday: 1/1/2010
S'd and heading for D.

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Ohio
Twigs323
Member
Member # 34055
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, January 5th (Thursday)

Yes, my FWH definitely picked 2 fuglies....overweight, unattractive and old. His friends and business associates would laugh their asses off if they saw pics of them. My girlfriend was in total disbelief when I showed her.

They pursued, stroked his ego (and dick). That's what they were to him, a means to an end.

He didn't talk about me to them at all (from what I saw). One of them even said (after discovery) that "I think he loves his wife" and "Oh, his wife is really pretty" Great I can sleep soundly now. (insert sarcasm).

They were needy, clingy, older desperate skanks who lured their prey the only way they know how.....sex.


Posts: 1429 | Registered: Nov 2011
Harlowe
Member
Member # 34281
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

Unfortunately, my WH Affaired Up.

She is a little older than I but she is thinner and prettier and has a better rack.

There is really no way I can compete... nor do I want to.


Me ~ BS~43
Husband ~ WS~47
Second Marriage for both ~ almost 9 years
5 kids ~ my 2, his 1 and our 2
DDay ~ 11/5/11 DDay 2 ~ 1/7/12
In R and it is going well

Posts: 118 | Registered: Dec 2011
onedayatatime321
Member
Member # 32585
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

Harlowe...no he did not affair up.  He chose to be with a woman who had no self respect and was willing to be his whore.

You were faithful and loved him.  You were, and are, the better woman.  Stop believing he "affaired up".


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2011
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, January 5th (Thursday)


She is a little older than I but she is thinner and prettier and has a better rack.

If your H is shallow enough to covet a rack, then you will be much happier without him. Don't fall prey to the objectification bug yourself, though.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Twigs323
Member
Member # 34055
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

Harlowe,

He affaired down. If she was "all that" why did she have to pursue another woman's husband??? She is pathetic and desperate which makes her ugly inside and out.


Posts: 1429 | Registered: Nov 2011
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, January 13th (Friday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, January 23rd (Monday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
emilys
New Member
Member # 34612
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, January 23rd (Monday)

Thank you for posting this, I was able to get up today and be a better mother to my child, clean my house, take a shower, and eat a bowl of cereal. I feel better, maybe just for a little while but it doesn't matter, this moment matters. To Mrs. Martha I think her name is, go screw yourself and don't post on this forum. We need this support for ourselfs and our children. The OW we need to hear and know that she is a coward. GO AWAY

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Minnesota
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, February 3rd (Friday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
poshaccent
Member
Member # 33126
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, February 3rd (Friday)

This post always pops up when I need it...thank you for bumping...

Harlowe, what goes up always come down...and a grrrreat rack will eventually be subject to gravity. It is just a matter fo time.

As for my WH OWs...So the tought of the day is, at least I never showed my boobs and a lot more (I spare you the disgusting details) to strange men I just met over the internet...that's one brownie point for me.


Posts: 149 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: UAE
Fixmybrokenheart
New Member
Member # 34015
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 4th (Saturday)

I just copied and emailed this post to myself! I will read it EVERYDAY! Thank you! So hits the nail on the head, (or the whore in the heart?!- hehe!!!)


Me BS 33
Him WS 36
Married 10 years
2 kids 10 and 8. Twins coming spring 2012
DDay 24 September 2011 (after 6 months of denial) EA & PA with s girl 14 years younger, a co-worker
Trying to R

Posts: 22 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
2Bhappyagain
New Member
Member # 34703
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, February 4th (Saturday)

This is just the exact thing that I needed to read right now! Thank you! It is so true when you think about it. I know what the OW looks like...I don't know her personally, but from what I've heard about her from my H and the pictures I've seen of her, I know for a fact that she is complete downgrade from me! Thanks again! This is a GREAT post!


" We all have those moments that some call “suddenly’s”. Moments that forever change the path of our lives."

BS- (me) 25
WH- 28
Kids- 5,3,and Twins 4 mo.
DD 1: 3/4/09
DD 2: 9/24/11


Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2012
Anchor
New Member
Member # 34731
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, February 4th (Saturday)

This is exactly what I needed to read today. It is also what our MC said to me one time when WS wasn't there.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Feb 2012
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, February 5th (Sunday)

Thanks for that. I am still to shattered from d-day (Christmas 2011) to truly believe this every day. But the more I learn about her, the more I see her weaknesses and pathology. She has her own husband. Why try to take down two marriages. I think she hoped my husband was her exit affair. Sorry, honey.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1486 | Registered: Dec 2011
AnotherNumb
New Member
Member # 34395
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, February 5th (Sunday)

This is really helpfull

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2012
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, February 6th (Monday)

Coming back to Harlowe: there is always something that is inferior about the OW. Inferior to the WS that is, and chosen by the WS so that he can feel superior. Often it's simply the OW's lack of any real self-esteem and the placement therefore of the WS on a pedestal.

The WS needs to look down, not up. If he wanted to look up, he'd look at you. If you get my drift.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, February 6th (Monday)

At 3 yr antiversary and this still is what the BS needs to hear. Thank you for keeping this thread alive!!!


BS (me)60 FWH 72
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
MammaMia
Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, February 6th (Monday)

Eddie:

Amen!!!! true words. Thanks for telling the truth to the world.


And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Posts: 931 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, February 18th (Saturday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
the_goat
New Member
Member # 33916
DOH!  Posted: 3:56 PM, February 20th (Monday)

this thread deserves a good bump!


Her--WW, OM a coworker. Both got fired for it
Me--BH
I love my wife, but I don't know if I can continue like this...

Posts: 19 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: NC
Fathful123
Member
Member # 34867
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, February 20th (Monday)

This is so true!!! The OW/AP is quite unattractive. Her husband even said as much. My WS really went to the dog shed for her.


DDay-7/11/2011
Me(51)
WS(54)with ED!!!!
OW- 49, big manly looking, Amazon looking Ho ; works with federal government but in different state
Several EAs and one oovoo recorded masturbation chat!
We have been Married 18 years
3 kids youngest 17

Posts: 78 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Northern Virginia
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, February 20th (Monday)

HELL YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
jasonguitarboy
Member
Member # 22939
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, February 24th (Friday)

The other man in our situation was a trade up in my opinion. ME-5'9" 230lbs (overweight) him, 6'3" dark skin, very muscular (could bench 401).
Yeah, did wonders for my self image.


What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.....right?
"And there's a change, that even with regret, cannot be undone."
"No one plans to take the path that leads us lower..."
Me-BS 35
Her-WS 32 (surviving1979)

Posts: 189 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: nowhere
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, February 25th (Saturday)

Really, they always do.

Superficially it may not look like it. The other person may be ___________ have bigger ________ or more _________ (fill in the blanks with anything you want). But, they are still "the other" not "the one" in all but a few cases.

I think most of us worry that they may be "the one" and we are "the mistake". But almost always they are "the mistake".

My wife had the affair. The OM was in her own words, after she got to know him "dumb" and they had "nothing to talk about".

4 years later, me still not knowing about the affair, I was in a bank one afternoon, to get some paperwork taken care of, and the young woman, attractive physically, very friendly, half my wife's age as well as mine, was very accommodating and made sure to kneel down in front of me in her skirt and low cut blouse to go through the papers (I was sitting in a chair...I doubt she wanted to show me her cleavage...it was probably all just business).

I was sex starved at home, a residual of my wife's affair was an aversion to sex which had been there to some degree before the affair as well, but I knew that I didn't want to hurt my wife and kids...and I knew that the nice young lady at her best couldn't hold a candle to my wife even on her below average days.

My wife asked me why I stayed with her through the years, I told her the truth. I had dated taller women, thinner women, and younger women, but I had been bored with all but one other person till I met her.

I'm not trading down.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, March 1st (Thursday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
shattered123
Member
Member # 27843
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, March 8th (Thursday)

Bump

Posts: 2590 | Registered: Mar 2010
BetrayalHurts
Member
Member # 34836
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, March 8th (Thursday)

I love this....thank you so much. The only thing my WH's OW had over me was she was 25 years younger..she definitely was not prettier or have a better figure and her personality was awful...and she was lazy to top it all off....this I know from working with her.

To make a long story short...your post has made my day!!!!


M 25 years
BW Me - 50's
WH Him - 60's
OW 25 years younger
D-Days too numerous to mention last D-day being 12-2-11 *OW went on fishing trip 5-21-13*

"A relationship is only made for two, but some bitches don't know how to count"


Posts: 386 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Colorado
Offhispedestal
Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, March 8th (Thursday)

T H A N K Y O U!!!!!!


ME-45
WH-46
Married 25


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 734 | Registered: Jun 2011
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, March 8th (Thursday)

He ended up with OW cause I stopped letting him cake eat. He is still blaming me and has said he waited 40 years to find her and be with her. I can't help but laugh, she buys it. If she were that important, nothing I said or did would have kept him in our marriage. He would have left and stayed gone. He didn't and he proves his own position every day. He said he couldn't leave me cause I would take the house, I gave him the house in the divorce and now it is in foreclosure cause he hasn't made the payment, guess it wasn't that important after all so why did he stay for 3 plus extra years? Cause he affaired down and he knew it then and he lives with it now!!


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1858 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
PeaceLove187
Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, March 8th (Thursday)

In a weak moment of obsessing, I Googled the AP's fiance. I still can't find his contact information but did see that his mother passed away in August. That struck home because my H and the AP declared "soulmate" status shortly after his mother's nearly fatal stint in the ICU. So while my H's mother was deathly ill, I was ignoring my work and staying by his side, being as supportive as I could possibly be. While her fiance was mourning the death of his mother, the AP was desperately fighting to keep her A alive.

Yep, I'd say my H affaired down.


BW--Me, 59
FWH--Him, 61
Married 37 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 647 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
sandy78
Member
Member # 34958
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, March 8th (Thursday)

When I became suspicious of the A I ended up searching for the OW on facebook...when I saw her picture I kind of laughed at myself because she didn't seem very attractive. I told myself I was being silly, he would never go for someone that looked like her. Ugh.


Me: 34
WH: 35
DS: Born 11/2011
D-Day: 2/26/2012
Divorcing...

If someone wants to be with you, there's nothing you can do to make them go. If someone doesn't want to be with you, there's nothing you can do to make them stay.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Feb 2012
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, March 8th (Thursday)

THANK YOU!

I didn't read all of the replies but the original post is amazing.


BS - 65
WH - 63
Married 37 years


D-Day 2/12/12
D-Day 6/1/16 Caught him back online early enough that no physical contact took place but still devastating. This sucks.


Posts: 1231 | Registered: Mar 2012
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 14th (Wednesday)

bumping to top

Posts: 9227 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Mormegil
Member
Member # 34841
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, March 14th (Wednesday)

Ugh, for me it sucked to read this...basically the OW described here is my WW. Her self esteem IS really low and in the middle of a MLC =\ She is however very physically attractive, especially for her age.

[This message edited by Mormegil at 6:29 PM, March 14th (Wednesday)]


Me: BH 38
DDay 10.18.2011
Divorced.
DD: 11 yrs old
Dating someone new now.

Posts: 52 | Registered: Feb 2012
silverslug
Member
Member # 30725
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, March 16th (Friday)

Good post.

The OM was 22, a highschool dropout, crackhead, alcoholic, and lived in his parents basement. He was just an escape for her.

My now ex wife ended up having the OM move in with her in the worst part of town after our divorce was final, and she was pregnant and she quit her job.

She traded down.


fBH: (me) 32 and back in school
exWW: currently living with OM and has a kid now. Drinking problem.
M: 2 months
DD: 12/04/2010
OM: drug addict, his kid.
NC since May 2011

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Calgary
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, March 16th (Friday)

Ugh, for me it sucked to read this...basically the OW described here is my WW. Her self esteem IS really low and in the middle of a MLC =\ She is however very physically attractive, especially for her age.

Same with my wife when she had her affair. Just understand, this is important to get this into your head deeply, that your wife with you (with all her insecurities and MLC still there), and being faithful, is a much better person than the same woman who is with the OM and cheating or contemplating that act. It's not just the physical side, it's the mental side, and the sexual side. Pretty often the sex in many affairs is lousy sex and not the "hot stuff" that people imagine it is (particularly those of us BS's who have to imagine quite a bit).

My wife cheated with a guy who was simply not someone she was going to be happy with, as per my prior post.

She was happy and joyful when the affair started, excited to have the affair. But she was trampling her marriage, a faithful husband, and family (4 kids and me), into the dirt. For a guy who she couldn't even hold a long conversation with.

He told her she was "hot" and "sexy" and "smart". All the things that I had told her, but that she didn't believe when it came from me because she thought she never measured up to me because I was "smarter" and "sexier" and "looked a lot younger than me". What's not to like, right?

Then, a few weeks into it, maybe less than a month, or even less, he tells her "you could stand to lose 10-15 pounds".

Wow, what happened to "hot" and "sexy"....what happened to "smart".

Well, hot and sexy is making love to your husband and having orgasms...not screwing a guy while you are drunk and then cleaning up the mess afterward while he zips his pants and leaves scot-free. Then later, in front of other people, tells you that you are "fat".

Smart is knowing that a guy who cheats on his wife, with you, will cheat on you if it goes anywhere, and that he's the kind of guy who will call you "stupid" when you make a mistake, and "fat" when he wants to hurt you.

She affaired down.

What about him? My wife was smarter, younger, sexy, cuter than his wife (I've seen pictures), and he still affaired down. Why?

Well, my wife was drinking/drunk during most of their sexual encounters, she drank to get up the nerve to do it, she drank afterward to forget it and handle her feelings, his wife was apparently sober and working a full time job. The woman he had sex with was not a woman I would have sex with, seriously. I don't do drunk women, it's bad sex.

She stopped being that, came back to the marriage, and stopped drinking at some later date, and got treatment for her issues. If I died, and she had another relationship, she would be the woman I am living with, I hope. That person who dates her would be lucky. If she starts drinking again, all bets are off.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Realsad
New Member
Member # 35047
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, March 17th (Saturday)

That is so perfect. Thank you so from now on I won't think I am no good she is just trash. What do we do with trash dispose. We dump it never to be seen again. Bloody well said

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Queensland, australia
fencepost
Member
Member # 13546
Shutup  Posted: 7:56 AM, March 18th (Sunday)

OM wasn't a man at all. My daughter's 17 yr old boyfriend. This went on for 10 months.
WTF?
FWW is bipolar and got herself strung out on meth but .... HOLY SHIT! How is this even possible? She was 35 yrs old! We'd been married for 16 yrs!


Me:BH 45
Her: FWW 43
M 25 yrs
2 kids(19 boy,23 girl)
DDay1 2/23/06 DDay2 05/25/06
many broken NC attempts
Reconciled

Posts: 235 | Registered: Feb 2007
fbsux
Member
Member # 34579
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, March 18th (Sunday)

Whether this is true or not, it makes me feel so much better about myself.


me (BS) 41
him (WS) 42
together 21 years, married 18
2 kids, 14 and 11
D-day, Oct. 12, 2011
Reconciling
letterstotheotherwoman.wordpress.com

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2012
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, March 18th (Sunday)

Regarding bipolar in the Manichean phase, or hypomanic phase, or on meth (which induces a manic like state), I do have some insight.

Cognitive stuff gets screwed up, thoughts go from random thoughts (like "I'd like to fuck her") to words/actions ("wanna fuck"/random unsolicited touching)


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, March 18th (Sunday)

Regarding bipolar in the Manic phase, or hypomanic phase, or on meth (which induces a manic like state), I do have some insight. I'm a medical person, and I do a lot of this type of work for a living.

Cognitive stuff gets screwed up, thoughts go from random thoughts (like "I'd like to fuck her") to words/actions ("wanna fuck"/random unsolicited touching) which if responded to become actions.

This is important to know, particularly if you are dealing with bipolar disease and addictions, it is like the regulator on the brain malfunctions and there is no inhibition of action.

This can also happen with illegal drugs, alcohol, and with prescription drugs that are used properly as well as abused (antidepressants, anxiety medication, sleeping medications, sedative/hypnotics).

As mentioned above, a thought becomes a word and then an action. The only thing that is missing in most cases of "misconduct" is the receptive responder.

So a deliberate serial philanderer may approach 20 men/women before he/she gets a response from a single susceptible usually non-responding person but one who is now in crisis, or from another serial cheat.

On the other side of this, for a usually faithful person, or a "non-serial philanderer", who is on drugs, having a medical problem, or having mental health issues (like a manic episode), who is now having regulation problems with their inhibitions, if they are approached by the other person (whether that person has the same problem as they do and it is a temporary problem or if they are just a serial philanderer) they may NOT BE ABLE to stop their response. Their inhibitions are deregulated and don't kick in, and they become like a car with a stuck accelerator and failed brakes.

These people are extremely susceptible to suggestion, of any type, from any person, perceived or actual.

Not making excuses, but this actually happens. This is why we are not allowed to have sexual relationships with our patients, despite many people in the profession who argue (privately) that we should be allowed to do this, and the lesser number who actually do engage in sexual activity with patients.

I have seen this in patients first hand, and in those who are being treated for depression and other disorders, and in those with cognitive impairment due to various diseases (Huntington's Disease is one well know for this as is Bipolar Disorder, but strikingly enough we also see this in patients being treated for Parkinson's Disease and we use the same drugs for treatment of Restless Legs Syndrome and Periodic Limb Movement Disorder, and in those patients who develop Alzheimer's and Lewy-Body Dementia occasionally).

Just for clarity, these patients are "not themselves" when this happens. They are functioning in an aberrant cognitive state. The damage they do is no less, but it is something the person/spouse/counselor/family/friends has to keep in mind when they are evaluating the "origins of the behavior".

Unfortunately, some who fall to this type of problem are never able to deal with what they have done when they come "back to themselves" and suicide is very high risk as well as drug use and other dysfunctional behaviors in order to "try to forget" what has happened.

I have seen this professionally, and unfortunately, I saw it personally in my own family when my wife was treated for depression. Talk about an education.

NOTE: Edited to remove misspellings and finish the post, it double posted from a handheld device, before I was done writing it. Sorry for any confusion.

[This message edited by standinghere at 1:56 AM, March 19th (Monday)]


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
fencepost
Member
Member # 13546
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, March 18th (Sunday)

SH,
FWW was definitely hypomanic at least (full blown mania and halucinations some of the time). She is now stable and we're in R. She says it wasn't who she is today who did that, and this is true. However, I tell her, whoever the fuck it was, it was my wife who did it and that's a tough pill to swallow


Me:BH 45
Her: FWW 43
M 25 yrs
2 kids(19 boy,23 girl)
DDay1 2/23/06 DDay2 05/25/06
many broken NC attempts
Reconciled

Posts: 235 | Registered: Feb 2007
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, March 19th (Monday)

Fencepost, sorry for the confusion, my original post was a failure. I finished it off above.

FWW was definitely hypomanic at least (full blown mania and halucinations some of the time).

Which means that she was dis-inhibited, the "regulator" on her responses was broken.

She says it wasn't who she is today who did that, and this is true.

In fact, the person that you know, the "personality complex" that you deal with when she is under effective treatment, is not the same "personality complex" that did this.

I've taken care of many patients with true Bipolar Disorder, who are off their meds for a few days, and they will do just about anything. I've seen women who are just oozing sexuality vibes as they talk. All they need to be gotten to engage is a willing responder or someone else to initiate something (even a subtle hint will lead to it). It is one of the reasons that on our psychiatric units sexual relationships are forbidden between patients.

They will also sometimes become angry or hostile due to perceived lack of responses, and even self destructive if they perceive a lack of receptiveness (I had a patient leave my office once, she was a pretty woman about my age, with Bipolar Disease, who was giving off these vibes and I didn't respond, she went home and took a drug overdose).

However, the same person treated with Lithium Carbonate or Valproate, or other drugs used for this reason, is a very different person.

However, I tell her, whoever the fuck it was, it was my wife who did it and that's a tough pill to swallow

Amen to that, and that is where she has to put a lot of work into this, to understand what happened, why it happened, and how she is going to make sure that it never happens again. Otherwise, you will never fell secure with her again.

Good Luck.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
BlindFreddy
New Member
Member # 35063
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, March 19th (Monday)

bump for BF


WH, me: 39
BS: 41 Username: MegM
D Day: Jan 13 2012
PA approx 106 days
Married 12 yrs, 3 children
R-ing
"Sunlight is the best disinfectant"

Posts: 19 | Registered: Mar 2012
sadnmad
Member
Member # 34847
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)

Bump for Broken hearted61..


Onward & Upward!

Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2012
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)

i love this post! the ow is so unattractive...it is almost comical. she looks like...and i am not kidding...a witch...seriously...a fucking witch...like from halloween!


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Fractured.Us
Member
Member # 35085
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, March 21st (Wednesday)

Standinghere,

Thank you for your post above explaining about disorders, etc. my WH was diagnosed with dissociative disorder, which his therapist said was the underlying factor that pushed him to cross the marital boundaries. I researched online when I found out, but still couldn't wrap my head around the "why's" of his actions. I think I'm beginning to understand the why's. At least some of them.

I'm six months post-DDay #2. Still trying to garner enough courage to post my story in my profile...


Married 21

This was not how it was supposed to end.


Posts: 338 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: USA
BEM817
Member
Member # 35104
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, March 26th (Monday)

Felt the need to read and re-read this again...
Thanks DBB..
Bumping...


Married 16 years, together for 22
BS Me - 43
WS Husband - 45
Two Kids 8 & 9
DDay 3/15/12 8 month EA. PA for 5 of those months.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Mar 2012
Stangfreak
Member
Member # 35157
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, March 26th (Monday)

Thank you. I've been struggling and you're right. I'm a highly educated, intelligent, confident woman and from what I've seen of my husband's numerous conquests, the same can't be said for them. I've been struggling with whether or not I'm as unattractive (both emotionally and physically) as these women, but now that I think on it, not a one of them has had a single redeeming quality that elevates them above me, except for being opportunistic, emotionally needy and desperate whores.

Thank you again.


"Some glad morning when this life is o'er, I'll fly away.
To a home on God's celestial shore, I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, oh glory, I'll fly away (IN THE MORNING!)
When I die, hallelujah by and by, I'll fly away!"

Posts: 85 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Alabama
ohno_notagain
New Member
Member # 35143
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, March 26th (Monday)

Luvett! I will print it out, read it a few times more, & carry it with me in my purse.

I feel so much better being here & learning from everyone. My WH's "friends" are most def stepdowns. I guess he liked being the voice of wisdom & a hero of sort. I guess he knows he won't get that idol worship nonsense from me!


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2012
Flying fox
Member
Member # 35121
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, March 27th (Tuesday)

[This message edited by Flying fox at 5:52 PM, April 12th (Thursday)]


Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2012
wantingtotrust
Member
Member # 6313
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, March 28th (Wednesday)

Great post! Really needed this today, at 4 months out thought I was doing a lot better but find myself thinking about her a lot and having a hard time with the anger!
Let try to keep this thread on the front page as much as we can as I believe it can help anyone here.

Posts: 163 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Orlando, Florida
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, March 30th (Friday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, March 30th (Friday)

Bump for those comparing themselves to the OW (or OM for that matter).


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
fullofanger
Member
Member # 34162
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, March 30th (Friday)

I needed to read this again. Mow is such a disgusting skank........
I feel better now, thank you.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Dec 2011
BEM817
Member
Member # 35104
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, April 13th (Friday)

Had to bump this one again. It was food for my soul in the first few days following DDay


Married 16 years, together for 22
BS Me - 43
WS Husband - 45
Two Kids 8 & 9
DDay 3/15/12 8 month EA. PA for 5 of those months.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Mar 2012
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 13th (Friday)

Sri624 posted this in another line. I couldn't think of any better place to put this. She really hit it on the head.

but she turned out to be just as pathetic as the entire affair was

That is a great way to put it.

It is pathetic, in every case that I've ever known of, and in my WS's and her AP's case as well. He was pathetic in several ways, the only thing he had going for him was a large penis and the fact that he didn't have much work so he had the time to fool around during the daytime.

My brother and his AP were pathetic in so many ways as well.

As were my SIL's and their AP's.

Pathetic behavior by people acting pathetic and not dealing with their life issues in a constructive manner. It doesn't matter if the WS or the AP is a doctor, lawyer, banker, preacher, nurse, stay at home parent, pilot, model, physical therapist, logger, drunkard, bum, saint, coworker, professor, president, governor, heiress, construction worker, soldier, sailor, tinker, or spy. They are all acting pathetic, and not dealing with life's issues in an honorable manner.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
ICrossMyHeart
New Member
Member # 35266
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, April 13th (Friday)

That they do. I've never heard it said better then that. Thank you for that


Me: BS-40
WS-39
2children
Married almost 15yrs, cat lasted longer then our marriage. Been together bout 20 years
DD-Multi EA's July11/Jan12
DD-Sept11 Supposed only PA in 2008

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: cen cali
DixieDiamondfly
Member
Member # 34830
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, April 13th (Friday)

Wow! Thank you so much for this. I know it was written several years ago, but wow! I sure needed to read this tonight.


BS: Me, 56 yrs. young
XWS: Him, 60 yo
KIDS: 33 yo son, 31 yo son, 25 yo daughter...and three wonderful grandsons and a beautiful granddaughter.
Married 34 yrs.
D-Day #1: 2/8/12
D-Day #2: 7/16/2012
D-Day #3: 3/29/2015
Divorced!

Posts: 182 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Gulf Coast
hurting7897
Member
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, April 14th (Saturday)

That was amazing. Thank you!!!


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2013-Forgave him! Life is sweet
May 4, 2015--T

Posts: 230 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Wisconsin
broken <3
Member
Member # 35098
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, April 14th (Saturday)

Thank god I just read this!! Thank you thank you!!


Me - BS mother of 2year old identical twin girls (conceived during HB)
Him - serial cheater
R? Still not sure if this is a deal breaker...

Posts: 484 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West coast Canada
newnormal
Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)

Bump


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1034 | Registered: Dec 2008
NeedMoreTime
Member
Member # 33677
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, April 18th (Wednesday)

I read this in the midst of DDays 2 & 3, but I was too raw to really appreciate it at the time.

Now, a heartfelt "thank you." WH had an online/sexting A when we were only dating. Three months after we were married, he had a ONS (he still says no sex...please explain, then, where the fuck I got chlymadia from) with someone he met on a plane to come visit me while we were both active duty and had separate duty stations. Then he goes TDY for training, and as I'm still fighting for the truth about the ONS, he carries on an EA with an old fling and is driving to her house to have sex when I call.

The sexting A, the girl was active duty as well; she was married and when WH got orders to our current station (3 hours from her station), asked him to drive up there to have a threesome with her and her H. Told him he wouldn't have to pay for a hotel, he could sleep on their couch

ONS knew he was married, knew we were only not living together bc I was active duty and only had 2 months left on my orders/enlistment so they didn't move me with him. Still she gave him her number and invited him to sleep at her apartment after they met up to bar hop. Her apartment that she shared with FIVE roommates to be able to afford the rent

OW3 did not finish HS, lost custody of her son to her baby daddy (and in Texas, that's really saying something), got fired from her job at the gas station, and has a good 50 pounds on me. Did I forget to mention that she has a man face?

The only thing any of them have that I don't? Two have red hair (a fetish of WH's). They all have a lack of respect for marriage, and they all are stupid enough to carry on with a man who obviously has no respect for them.

I am educated, very attractive (so my friends tell me, and I used to believe), funny, a great mother, and a loving and faithful wife. They can't compete with me.

My mind knows this...but today, my heart really needed the reminder.


BW

Multiple D-days, 2/4/11, 10/21/11, 10/27/2011, 11/28/11
Trying R...going well.

How can our wounds become scars if the bleeding doesn't stop?


Posts: 133 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Wyoming
Downrightpissed
New Member
Member # 35347
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, April 18th (Wednesday)

Wow! That was probably the most awesome post I have read on here. I am a newbie..only 4 months out and what u said brought my self esteem up 10 notches, The other woman in my case is just that..Not attracticve at all. Almost made me feel worse as to why he would go for that..but your right..she looked up to him..probably did things and said things that boosted his ego. But in reality, she is a low life home wrecker that has no morals, or self esteem. He is fighting for me, and easily dumped her in the trash where she belongs , which I know is killing her because she tried so hard to get him to leave me. So thank you for giving this newbie a new way of looking at my situation and the self esteem boost to get through another day!!


Me. BS. 40
WH - 41 PA 4 years
DDAY 12/7/11
Married 16 years
3 kids, 15,12 and 9
Currently trying to R

Posts: 42 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
LonelyHusband
Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, April 18th (Wednesday)

It's taken me a while to grasp this.

I thought for a long time that the concept "they always affair down" was simply the BS's circling the wagons and defending their already battered self confidence.

However, with the clarity of a little time I've come to realise that "they always affair down" is true. It has to be true, and for a very simple reason. If the affair partner had the same moral and ethical boundaries as the BS then they would tell the WS to F*ck off because they would not be prepared to get involved with a married person. In order to have an affair, you have to find someone with crap morals and personal standards.

so yeah, they always affair down.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 9:00 AM, April 18th (Wednesday)]


Reconciling.
“A wizard is never late. Nor is he ever early. He arrives precisely when he means to".
Apparently not an appropriate reason for coming home drunk at 2AM.

Posts: 1305 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, April 21st (Saturday)

bump


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
traditoperanni
Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, April 21st (Saturday)

Wow, this is so true. Just last night I asked my wh why did you pick on the pathetic
losers? they all had self esteem issues(except for one-she was the ex-escort he had affair with. She was just plain manipulative and self absorbed.) The most recent is my age (62) never been married, never had children,
just clung on to my wh for the past ten years. He said he tried to end it many times
but she threatened suicide. I said "So?" He also said she was so crazy he was afraid she would contact me.
Of course, I take everything he says with a grain of salt.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 449 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Maddy66
New Member
Member # 35408
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, April 22nd (Sunday)

Could not have read this at a better time...after 2 years of being accused of being crazy and jealous ...when the facts were right there...i really needed this ...Thank you ..thank you..for your words..they brought me back to my sanity..it's time i take back my life..

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Canada
Lostllama
New Member
Member # 34956
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, April 26th (Thursday)

BS Only

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 4:20 PM, May 9th (Wednesday)]


~LL

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: lostllama
Junco
Member
Member # 35269
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, April 26th (Thursday)

What’s is attractive about the OW is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure WH, wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to kill.

Wow, you know my WH?

You are so right, they do look for the weak, the lost, the fragile, and then leave them worse off than they were. Truly, looking at it this way, I feel a bit sorry for both WH and OW: neither of them would be in this predicament if they had a grain of...sense...self-respect...morals...love for someone other than themselves...

Junco


"Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living." -Mother Jones

Posts: 256 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: MD
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, May 4th (Friday)

Bumpety bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
BEM817
Member
Member # 35104
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, May 14th (Monday)

Had to bump this one again. 6 weeks past dday and I still reread it from time to time...


Married 16 years, together for 22
BS Me - 43
WS Husband - 45
Two Kids 8 & 9
DDay 3/15/12 8 month EA. PA for 5 of those months.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Mar 2012
isthisforreal
Member
Member # 30926
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, May 14th (Monday)

And the only thing that could make this topic better is if we could post the LOSERS pics here! I have a freaking doozy that would make you all


BW me 47
WH him 52
married 24 years
DD 9/15/10
3 incredible teenage daughters
"it only hurts when I breathe"

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jan 2011
nordicbabe
Member
Member # 35419
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, May 14th (Monday)

I have a hard time believing he affaired down. She's 20 years younger, at least 20 pounds lighter, at least 20 centimeters shorter and generally a big ball of sunshine and happiness.

So I hate her.


Posts: 1468 | Registered: Apr 2012
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, May 14th (Monday)

Nordicbabe,

He did. You wil see. Sometimes it takes a little more time to see how ugly the AP is on the inside when he or she is not horrible looking.

Trust us though, she's hideous. You will get snippets of her personality as time goes on and this post and mantra will become more and more clear.

Looks don't matter. I know they do in the beginning because that's all we usually have to go on. But they don't matter as time goes on. Her morals are obviously shitty. She is projecting sunshine and roses because her private life is fucked up. Her personality could be bitchy, clingy, crazy, possessive, nasty, controlling, all the things that we are not because we gave real love.

Don't worry. Her real colors will shine through and then your stbxwh will be kicking himself in the ass for the authentic love that he ditched.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 3623 | Registered: Jan 2011
Angelstar5
Member
Member # 35276
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 14th (Monday)

im in the same boat as some others...20 yrs younger, 70lbs lighter, 5 inches shorter with a great tan and perky boobs.

Yes she was a hooker. But at the time he really had feelings for her, even tho he was drunk to them they were real.

I just do NOT UNDERSTAND how he could sleep with us both in a 24 hour period. I would think that he would have been feeling at least a little bit guilty but he obviously was excited...im sure he was thinking of her body and not mine, or reliving the experience using me.

yes her inside is ugly, but lately mine hasnt been that great either...its not normal to look at your husband and think "i wish you would drop dead...seriously"

all 1000% ugliness...all of it.


Me 47,WH 46 alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs

Posts: 754 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Fort Worth TX
yoshi7268
Member
Member # 35519
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, May 14th (Monday)

I too read this a while back and didn't believe it. I knew she was unattractive and fat but I still thought she must be a pretty amazing woman.
After reading it again now that some time has past I so believe it! Thank you for bumping this up again. I needed it.


ME-BS-44
WH-48
5 kids 18-28
Married 25 years-together 29
Dday1-late June 2011
Dday2-early July 2011-TT
Dday3- early August 2011-TT
Another affair 7 years before.
R going well

Posts: 307 | Registered: May 2012 | From: yoshi7268
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, May 14th (Monday)

I have a hard time believing he affaired down. She's 20 years younger, at least 20 pounds lighter, at least 20 centimeters shorter and generally a big ball of sunshine and happiness.

And, almost certainly so screwed up mentally that she'd have an affair with an older man instead of finding someone her own age who she can really relate to. This isn't obvious to the outside world, it is often hidden by a big smile and nice clothes.

Why? Because someone her own age will think, after a while, "hey, I don't want to live my life with this mess" after they get to know her.

Your WS though hadn't gotten that far and was just thinking "wow, she must think I'm awesome" instead of working on his problems and wondering why he finds a woman attractive who he clearly cannot relate to.

My wife was a young and very attractive woman once, she is an older and very attractive woman now. She dated men who were old enough to be her father (she never told me this until after she confessed to her affair). She had the brains, the smile, the clothes, and she met me by chance. I was different, I was younger than her also.

When she had her breakdown, she had her affair with a guy who was older, and quite frankly "dumb" in her own words. You know, I thought there had to be more, that she had to love the guy or something. Seriously, I wouldn't do this. I've had some hot women come on to me over the years, but I don't want to be a cheater.

But this hit out of nowhere.

I'm thinking at the time, "Really, you want to leave me, for a guy who is an idiot."

Years later after I find out there was an affair I'm thinking "Really, you want to leave me, for a guy who is an idiot...and who cheats on his wife?" Man, did I ask questions, upon questions, and felt "there just has to be more".

What was so great about it that made cheating and destroying our family worthwhile?

It must have been fucking awesome. I've never experienced something that incredible.

I've also never been so screwed up mentally that I didn't care about my wife and children.

Yet, that is the man my wife had the affair with, and that is the woman (my wife) the OM had his affair with.

When my wife stopped being that woman, and came back and tried to repair the damage, then she was a better person. I don't know about him, apparently this was not an isolated thing for him.

20 yrs younger, 70lbs lighter, 5 inches shorter with a great tan and perky boobs.

But, a hooker, which makes it just so clear how messed up your spouse was. He was so messed up he had feelings for a hooker and thought they were real.

You are way better than that.



BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
nightlights
New Member
Member # 35471
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, May 14th (Monday)

Wow! What a great post! I wish all the women who cheat with married men could read this. I wish I could send this to the women my WH slept with!! So true and so well said!


ME: BW,44 Him: WH,45 without a clue
DDay: 4/25/2012
Four beautiful, intelligent daughters 10, 11, 12 and 15yrs.
Married 17 yrs. WH cheating for last 7 years(admitted but who knows?)Multiple women. One employee.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
nightlights
New Member
Member # 35471
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, May 14th (Monday)

Wow! What a great post! I wish all the women who cheat with married men could read this. I wish I could send this to the women my WH slept with!! So true and so well said!


ME: BW,44 Him: WH,45 without a clue
DDay: 4/25/2012
Four beautiful, intelligent daughters 10, 11, 12 and 15yrs.
Married 17 yrs. WH cheating for last 7 years(admitted but who knows?)Multiple women. One employee.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
bellapump
New Member
Member # 30684
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, May 14th (Monday)

THANK YOU. ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL. YOU HAVE A TRUE GIFT.ASKING FOR ANGELS FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: canada
nordicbabe
Member
Member # 35419
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)

And, almost certainly so screwed up mentally that she'd have an affair with an older man instead of finding someone her own age who she can really relate to. This isn't obvious to the outside world, it is often hidden by a big smile and nice clothes.

Why? Because someone her own age will think, after a while, "hey, I don't want to live my life with this mess" after they get to know her.

Your WS though hadn't gotten that far and was just thinking "wow, she must think I'm awesome" instead of working on his problems and wondering why he finds a woman attractive who he clearly cannot relate to.

I'm trying to believe that but not sure I do. She is successful at her job (first one bang out of university), they seem to have great fun working out together and generally planning good times.

I'm just his boring old wife who nagged a bit and got on with things. She's me 20 years ago. That's what irritates me. I was that girl when he met me. And then I grew up.


Posts: 1468 | Registered: Apr 2012
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)

What’s is attractive about the OW is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure WH, wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to kill. The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Our wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath them, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily

For all those still struggling by invidious comparison to OW - YOU were largely irrelevant. It is the WH who does not like HIMSELF, is rejecting his boring old self/ family provider role, looks for a mirror to see another reflection of himself, and the 'mirror', the OW is exactly that, merely a mirror, a cypher who is so needy that she instinctively understands and accepts that admiring role. Look beyond your own insecurities and see those of the WS and the OP more clearly and the transactional basis on which the A was founded.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
nordicbabe
Member
Member # 35419
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)

Ok, that sort of makes sense but still, he's screwing me from 20 years ago? Talk about being replaced with a younger version of me.

Except I never slept with married men, of course. Guess that's the big difference between us.


Posts: 1468 | Registered: Apr 2012
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)

The OW in my sitch is 10 years younger than me and much thinner. For months every time I saw the OW (which is daily) I beat myself up comparing the two of us. She has an ugly face but I was suffering thinking of her being so much younger and thinner than me. I assumed that she was firm and had perky breasts. I found a picture of her that she sent my H of herself in a bikini and lordy she shoulda covered her nasty self up. Yuck! Now when I look at her I see the flabby butt and saggy boobs and the fat rolls that she squeezes into the skinnest jeans on earth. I'm so glad that I found that picture because now I laugh at her pathetic attempts to look sexy. I haven't compared myself to her since. She must be spending a ton of money on Spanx.


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Angelstar5
Member
Member # 35276
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, May 15th (Tuesday)

I WISH PEOPLE WOULD NOT NOT NOT SAY THAT THEY AFFAIRED DOWN BECAUSE THE OW WAS FAT!!!

HOW DO YOU THINK IT MAKES ME FEEL TO KNOW HE SLEPT WITH A 27 YR OLD GIRL WHO WAS ALMOST HALF MY SIZE.

AFFAIRED UP!


Me 47,WH 46 alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs

Posts: 754 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Fort Worth TX
bellapump
New Member
Member # 30684
Wink  Posted: 1:37 PM, May 16th (Wednesday)

Angelstar5-my heart breaks for you.I am extremely over weight and the other woman was smaller but believe me he still "affaired down". Don't measure your worth in pounds. I know we tend to do that but you are so much more than a number on a scale. Asking for angels for everyone on this site.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: canada
itsovernow
Member
Member # 35587
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, May 16th (Wednesday)

Well said. Any woman that would take sloppy seconds can't be anything all that special. I through it out to my husband yesterday "do you wonder what she does in her down time?" Probably more down time if you know what I mean. I hope that got him thinking, but maybe he doesn't care.


feeling like I'm going crazy.
me 35
dh(wondering if he really wandered) 40
5 kids between us ages 1-17

Posts: 123 | Registered: May 2012 | From: crazyville
onedayatatime321
Member
Member # 32585
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, May 16th (Wednesday)

Angelstar5, I understand what you are saying. The OW was 26 at the time (half my age) and roughly 30 lbs lighter than me. Was she prettier - no, even though she probably thinks so.

What did she have to do to keep her image? Worked out 2-3 hours a day, boob job, LASIK surgery, and massive dental work. Oh, and no kids. Think she doesn't have self esteem issues?

Me? Tall, thin, and aging gracefully. He affaired down. I'm faithful, a wonderful wife and grandmother, and full of love for others.

Don't compare yourself...you are wonderful.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2011
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, May 26th (Saturday)


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, May 30th (Wednesday)


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
missyb32641
Member
Member # 35656
Flame  Posted: 6:56 PM, May 30th (Wednesday)

I know mine affaired down. Not only is she unattractive she cheated on her
first husband and father of her 3 children, has full custody and she is not even allowed visitation WTF. She must be a really fucked up person.She told my WH that her mean ole ex took off to an other state and she can't find him. BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT!!
It took me 5 mins on google
Her current SO is the OM from marriage
My WH almost lost me, the mother of his 2 kids, over that piece of shit whore.
Her current SO is the OM from her marriage, and guess what she told WH, he cheated on her. If its true I hear Karma calling. LOL


ME: BS 43
Him FWH 45
Married 20 years together 22 at the time.
Working thru R.

Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Florida
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, June 3rd (Sunday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
TooSadToCry
Member
Member # 35123
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, June 9th (Saturday)

Bump


Me: BS
Him: WH
Both 44
Together since we were 18
Married 24 years
2 Teenage Sons
Dday 2/22/12

Posts: 87 | Registered: Mar 2012
nordicbabe
Member
Member # 35419
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, June 10th (Sunday)

Well, now people are starting to tell me OW is not attractive at all. Looks like a 12 year old boy (face and body), beady little eyes, kind of a dipshit...pretty much the opposite of me. No wonder WH lurrvveesss her.

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Apr 2012
mesoSTUPID
Member
Member # 35679
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, June 10th (Sunday)

TOO SAD ... Thank you for the bump. Otherwise I would have missed this amazing post... I must rememer to bump it in a couple of days so that it stays relevant!


ME (BS): 41 and so stupid!
Him (WH): 43. He's my dragon slayer but my heart wasn't supposed to be slayed!

Posts: 195 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Miami
Irishar
Member
Member # 35760
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, June 10th (Sunday)

Thanks for giving me food for thought


Be true to yourself

Posts: 67 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Saskatchewan
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 10th (Sunday)

Yes, thank you for the bump. I go off and on this site all the time so I miss some of the really great threads as this one.

Everything you have said is so true. The way I see it is that BOTH of the cheaters fit the bill as the weakest of the heard. They are both two weak and very selfish people who don't give a damn about anyone other than themselves. The are both partners in crime wreaking havoc against those who are so unsuspecting.

In my eyes, my h was/is no better than the whore neighbor he decided to screw just for their own enjoyment and ego boosting. My h AND her were two very weak and pathetic individuals who needed to feel the false sense of power the a gave each of them.

But as I have always said, for the most part when they are caught they both run back to the BS with their tail between their legs begging for forgiveness.


Posts: 2600 | Registered: Sep 2005
grapevinefires
New Member
Member # 35775
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 10th (Sunday)

Thank you! I needed to read this today.


Me - 30
H - 29
Daughter - 2.5
EA 4/12-6/12

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: kentucky
howdidthishapen
Member
Member # 35583
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 12th (Tuesday)

THANK YOU soooooo much for this post!! It made me smile and helps me hit the truth :) My WH's OW wanted him so badly to leave me for her she told me herself but he never did he could of at any time but didnt, just because she was skinny young and "the funnist person he has ever been around" (his words from a text the funnist person part) she was UGLY on the inside who wants a skank lowlife slut no one she was a good time not a long time THANKS I LOVE THIS POST!!


ME 34
WH 33
Together 12.5 years married 9.5 years
5 beautiful children
His D-Day 2000 & 2004 Husbands
My D-Day 10 May 2012
I had two one night stands in 2000
He had A with a slutty 19 yr old last for 4 years

Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2012 | From: queensland
Katatonic
New Member
Member # 35840
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, June 13th (Wednesday)

I love this!!! It was just what I needed to start this new day...I am lost and so abandoned but I am not going to let this get me down!!! Copying this to my journal too...LOVE IT!!!

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: PA
burnedcanuckEMS
Member
Member # 35813
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, June 13th (Wednesday)

I needed this too! The OW in my case is no goddess thats for sure. She looks like a dope smoking trash whore. She has piercings on her face and I can see one FB picture a tongue piercing. Things he always said he was repulsed by. Now I'm sure he is enjoying those things!! I can't wait until his little fantasy bubble bursts and he realizes he really blew it. He always said he was afraid of me straying and of losing everything we have worked so hard for. Turns out he was the one who strayed and even though I am in the early phases of this situation I am sure this is going to end in divorce. This relationship has been caustic and dysfunctional too long. And now I have a chance to get out.


Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
M: 07/07/07
DDay: 06/09/12
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!

Ipad user sorry for any spelling errors or missing letters etc..... ty


Posts: 445 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Alberta
sidelined
New Member
Member # 35740
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, June 13th (Wednesday)

This helped me so much today. Thank you.


BS: Me (49)
WH 57
DD: 5/10/12
Broke NC: 6/6 (I discovered this 6/13)
Was sleeping with my "best friend" in the house while I was there!

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jun 2012
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 19th (Tuesday)


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
itsraining
New Member
Member # 35865
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, June 22nd (Friday)

Wow, I really needed this. Thank you!

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012
bronzermike
Member
Member # 18751
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 22nd (Friday)

I told my "cheating" wife about the "affair down" premise and she hadn't a clue. Her affair guy may be younger than me but he also makes far less, works a menial job, has a huge scar on his neck, walks funny, has spent three years in prison, and his wife (whom I have contacted and talked to extensively) says they may inhabit the same house but they live in opposite ends of it. She's just waiting for the $$$ to get out. Fir him, mym wife is quite the catch, blond, comely, over his station in status. His wife admits he's a smooth talked. When the talk gets sour (as it will), she will find out how quiet things get.


Twice married,
thrice cuckolded
First marriage: 10 years
Second, 19 and counting
Six kids. Two by first (30 and 26) four by second (21, 15, 12, and 5)

Posts: 76 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Florida
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 30th (Saturday)


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
time to heal
Member
Member # 32537
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 30th (Saturday)

14 months post d-day, and this is still my favorite post ever. Thank you so much!


BW (me)
Married - 15 years. Together 17
6 month EA with "HS crush" - hooked up on FB
DDay: 4/26/2011, S: 9/2012, Filed D: 2/2013
“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” - Maya Angelou

Posts: 140 | Registered: Jun 2011
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Lovedonthide
New Member
Member # 35982
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, July 10th (Tuesday)

Thank you for bumping this!


Me - BW
Him - WH
D Day 4/4/12 - confessed to ONS with acquaintance from high school

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2012
dawnmarie
Member
Member # 32964
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, July 11th (Wednesday)

It's been a few years now for me, but WOW, this is what I needed to read today. So glad I found this and I think it can be very helpful to so many of the newbies!!

I too agree that not all OP fit this description so let's get that out of the way. As for my FWH's whore, she did. She was not some young wounded bird with a sob story. She was a newly D skank 28 year old who got got dumped by her own WH. When I first suspected something was going on, I questioned friends who worked with her. They were clear that she would never be the OW. She would go on and on about what her WH did and how she could never do that to another woman. They were all VERY surprised when it all came out. I believe she knew exactly what she was doing. She saw someone that could take care of her and her kids and she went for it. He was a POS who bought into her ego stroking. I still don't like him some of the time, but R is going very good so we go on until....

[This message edited by dawnmarie at 10:10 AM, July 11th (Wednesday)]


"Always go with your gut...the mind will only tell you what you want to hear."
author......me!!
BS:41
WH: 44
DDay: 8/02/09 (just someone from work)
DDay: 10/27/09 Complete confession
WH has done everything right for R (that I know of).

Posts: 130 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: IA
SisterGoldenHair
New Member
Member # 35967
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 11th (Wednesday)

THANK YOU!!!


ILYBINILWY/Asked me for a divorce 11/1/11
DDay #1 1/23/12
DDay #2 and 3 5/19 and 5/20/12
2 girls (10 and 12)
R going well

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: sistergoldenhair
tinysteps
Member
Member # 36104
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, July 13th (Friday)

DBB,
I can't thank you enough for this post. There is nothing that I have read on any infidelity site including this one that made me feel the way this one did. You said so beautifully what I needed to hear.
My WH did affair down. When I found out who it was I was astonished. A mousy, plain, dimwitted woman if there ever was one. What an idiot. Both of them.
We are now working on R and trying our best. He is doing some very heavy lifting. Your post is one I have read over and over and I will continue to do so.
Your post might or might not apply to all on this site. But I say take what you need and leave the rest.
Peace,
TS


BS-Me (48)
WH-Him (54)
M-12yrs Together 15 years
D'Day April 20, 2012
On the R Rollercoaster

How will see the great things ahead of us if we keep looking back at the bad things behind us?


Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: My heart is at the beach
deepbreaths
Member
Member # 36101
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, July 13th (Friday)

AMAZING! Thank you!!


BS: 35
WS: 33
children: 2 yrs, one on the way
married 13 years

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2012
deepbreaths
Member
Member # 36101
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 13th (Friday)

AMAZING! Thank you!!


BS: 35
WS: 33
children: 2 yrs, one on the way
married 13 years

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2012
deathbybetrayal
Member
Member # 22478
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 14th (Saturday)

I wish I could respond to all of you individually but know that I do read everyone's responses.

It will be four years for us this week and we are solidly in R. It's been a tough road but knowing he affaired down - waaaay down - has helped me regain my confidence, which in turn aided our R. I hope it does the same of every single one of you.

DBB


Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Jan 2009
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, July 14th (Saturday)

Hi DBB

The words 'affair' and 'down' paired together are almost a tautology, are they not?


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
deathbybetrayal
Member
Member # 22478
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, July 14th (Saturday)

Hi EDIE yourself! Miss you and hope you're doing well.

The words 'affair' and 'down' paired together are almost a tautology, are they not?

Absolutely. I believe it more now (four years later) than I even did early on. Haven't seen many examples to prove it false that's for sure.

DBB


Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Jan 2009
MartlArts
Member
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, July 14th (Saturday)

My H had an OEA with an old HS GF who tracked him down decades later. She is his age (10 yr older than me) but looks as if she could be my mom, except that my mom at 80 is much prettier than this woman in her 60s! However, my FWH admitted that when they were talking he was thinking of the teenager she once was, not what she is now. I am sure if she lived close and they met for coffee he would never have thought to talk intimately with her.


excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Jul 2012
jandjs1st
Member
Member # 36087
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 14th (Saturday)

I found this forum earlier this week. I love your post and it is so true. Many thanks to you and others who are so encouraging.


BW-32
FWH- 33
2 DD
Status - Working on it
d-day- April 21, 12

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Southeast
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, July 22nd (Sunday)


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
MistyMemories
Member
Member # 36197
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, July 22nd (Sunday)

Bump!!!

I found this several weeks ago, printed it out and read it daily. It has helped me to understand the Who, How, & Why.
And it really fits my situation as my hubby is in a serious depression.


You've become nothing more than a disappointing memory.

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Ohio
helpmi
New Member
Member # 36201
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, July 22nd (Sunday)

i love this. give me some relief from my hell.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2012
tinysteps
Member
Member # 36104
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)

I have said this before that this post has given me insight and most of all strength.It has helped me more than any other post or link on the Internet.
IT SHOULD BE REQUIRED READING for all Betrayed Spouses. Can it be posted permanently at the top of this forum?
Please
Peace


BS-Me (48)
WH-Him (54)
M-12yrs Together 15 years
D'Day April 20, 2012
On the R Rollercoaster

How will see the great things ahead of us if we keep looking back at the bad things behind us?


Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: My heart is at the beach
10YearsLater
New Member
Member # 36097
Happy  Posted: 4:40 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)

I can add my certainty here that my WH did indeed affair down. On a similar note, even though my WH is better looking than her BH she affair-ed down too. My WH is a psychopath who will make her life a living hell.


Done being co-dependent.
A BS who gave ten years and is saying NO MORE after another affair. Learning to love myself again.
Last D-Day: 07/09/12 at 6:30pm

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Atwater, Ohio
s+++forbrains
Member
Member # 18128
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)

LOVE THIS and it has truly helped me!! I have also shared it with other people who are in similar situations.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Feb 2008
mamak
Member
Member # 35969
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, July 24th (Tuesday)

I thank you so much for this post. I believe that my WH did affair down and wow does this post make me feel so much better!


Me - 38, Him - 36
Married - 13 years
Three kiddos (oldest is mine) - 10, 12,15
DDay #1 - 4/21/2012, Discovered 3 mo. EA (texts, phone calls, nude pics, sexting, 1 kiss)
R - 4/24/12.

Posts: 292 | Registered: Jun 2012
Madmichaelj
Member
Member # 35192
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 24th (Tuesday)

What a wonderfully eye-opening post!

I however, after finding out just how low my Wife's AP was feel terrible.

I wonder each and every day why she would risk me and our beautiful family for a man 3 times divorced, 4 estranged children, no-contact orders on all the above, domestic violence history, last wife was a prostitute, kicked out of the Army for mental health conditions ( diagnosed as a sociopath) preventing him from carrying firearms, and she had sex with him in his shared apartment on a mattress on the floor, all the while I was in southern afghanistan fighting for the very freedoms that allowed her to stray. He was 6 years older then me yet half my rank and served only an eighth of my time. Got her drunk and had non-concentual sex the first time and after crying in church the next day she goes back to him for more...

Why oh why?

Stand in the fire my priest and friend tells me. I'm standing and it sucks!


"Yea Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Death, I Will Fear No Evil"
Psalms 23

Posts: 112 | Registered: Mar 2012
Gottabekidding
Member
Member # 35809
Revenge  Posted: 9:59 PM, July 24th (Tuesday)

This makes me feel better..I am a successful, professional who was living independently before I met him. I have always been proud of the fact that after my first husband passed away, I was able to provide a good living for me and my child. WH was cheating with biker chicks; 50 year old+ biker chicks..REALLY??? Of course, they were all telling him how he "deserved better" than me..these women who had never met me, and wouldn't know who I was if they ran into me in public. Sincerely hope I DO run into them one day..can't wait to let them know that I know EXACTLY who they are.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Georgia
Crushed38
Member
Member # 30644
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, July 26th (Thursday)

Bump


It's amazing that someone can break your heart and you still love them with all of the little pieces. -unknown

Posts: 1540 | Registered: Jan 2011
tinysteps
Member
Member # 36104
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, August 5th (Sunday)

Bump.
My favorite post on all of SI. It has soothed my broken heart over and over again.
Peace


BS-Me (48)
WH-Him (54)
M-12yrs Together 15 years
D'Day April 20, 2012
On the R Rollercoaster

How will see the great things ahead of us if we keep looking back at the bad things behind us?


Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: My heart is at the beach
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, August 17th (Friday)


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
messedup96
Member
Member # 35936
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, August 17th (Friday)

Thank you for this I ask myself why when I'm at home doing all the stuff a wife should do if he needs something when he works I bring it to him I take care of him when he is sick he's a baby when he is sick which I don't mind cause I'm needed and our kids I'm always there for the kids but, this Gutter Fish hardly ever has her kids every time I see her except once she had her kids. Ugh it still pisses me off


BS me 36
WS 36
I've loved him since day one I've been faithful to him since day one don't lie to your SO ever I'm learning the hard way just celebrated 17 year anniversary in Nov and we have been together 18 years in 5 days we all a

Posts: 161 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: IL
ok4now
Member
Member # 35896
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, August 17th (Friday)

((messedup96))
I know it sucks just know you are a good person and a wonderful mom and wife and hopefully he realizes what he has before it is too late. My WH OW single not a care in the world except work. She can fawn for him and give him all her attn. It is just sick. It was only an EA she refused to take it any further he still has to see her from time to time it is a customer. He forgets all I do, sometimes I fantasize that they actually get together and see how real life would be. She is fun but selfish. They do not realize what they have.
Hang in there you will see all your work will pay off if not in your marriage then in watching your kids grow up to be great adults due to your love, commitment and handwork.
Take Care,
K


BS - 39 (me)
WS - 33
DD - 6
D Day - 6/2/11 EA (would have been a PA if the OW was game)
"I'm not going to be the person I am expected to be anymore"
Blue de Chanel Commercial

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Maryland
btl1980
Member
Member # 36490
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, August 17th (Friday)

deathbybetrayal - those were the most empowering words i've read to date (and heaven knows i've read a lot!!).

i think i'll make it a habit to read that at least once daily. thanks so much!


Me: 47yo
Him: 53yo
Married 15; Together 18
"Mid Life Crisis Affair Jan 2011"
I found his hotel charges on the Visa bill. How very Soap Opera.
Two beautiful daughters = my life

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: PA
mka0811
New Member
Member # 36518
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 17th (Friday)

Thank you for those words. . . It made me cry the whole way through.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: NC
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, August 18th (Saturday)

DBB~

Thanks so much for these very true words. I have to remind myself to read them from time to time, I get so low.

I think about the amount of lying and planning...thinking that she must have been really something for him to make this much effort.

But when their nasty trysts were found out, whoa! Whorestein was thrown WAAAAY under the bus. She lost her job, and a lot of work friends. Her parents and siblings are ashamed that she is a common whore, (I told them in person!) Some of her employers now know she will suck dick for a job...OUCH!

And he is in overdrive trying to make things right. We are getting better, 15 months out from DD.

So thanks from the bottom of my broken heart.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1254 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
BEM817
Member
Member # 35104
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, August 23rd (Thursday)

Bumped. Six months out and needed to read this again!!!


Married 16 years, together for 22
BS Me - 43
WS Husband - 45
Two Kids 8 & 9
DDay 3/15/12 8 month EA. PA for 5 of those months.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Mar 2012
TheTooGoodWife
Member
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, August 27th (Monday)

Bump love this


Me-BW-46
WH-43
M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
s+++forbrains
Member
Member # 18128
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, September 2nd (Sunday)

I need to read this every so often to remind myself what it says! Thanks!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Feb 2008
Icannotbehere
New Member
Member # 36610
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, September 2nd (Sunday)

I needed this last week when I read it for the first time.


Me: 26
DH: 28
DD: 8-17-2012
Together 12 years, married 4; 2 very young children 3 yrs and 4 weeks at time of DD.
Struggling immensely with the road to hopeful R.
www.mendingabrokenmarriage.blogspot.com

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Missouri
invictus
Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, September 7th (Friday)

Read this again and feel much better.

THANK you so much for sharing!


♥ BW m. 31 years - Divorced in 2009. Living in tiny low income apartment, struggling; no car. Barely able to make ends meet. Anybody have a spare miracle?

Posts: 1883 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
feeling bi polar
Member
Member # 31086
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, September 8th (Saturday)

Thanks I needed to read that today. My self esteen has taken a beating lately and it is not all A related.


In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life — It goes on. —Robert Frost

Posts: 196 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: VA
tinysteps
Member
Member # 36104
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)

Bump


BS-Me (48)
WH-Him (54)
M-12yrs Together 15 years
D'Day April 20, 2012
On the R Rollercoaster

How will see the great things ahead of us if we keep looking back at the bad things behind us?


Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: My heart is at the beach
DeeA
New Member
Member # 34843
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, September 24th (Monday)

Very well said!

Posts: 7 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: MA
deeplyblue
New Member
Member # 36897
Wink  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)

Bump!


BS(me):37
WSH: 34
OW: 23
married for 2 1/2 yrs
together for 4 yrs
children : 2
DD 27/7/2012
Status: He wants R, I want S/D.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: deeplyblue
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, September 28th (Friday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
FindMyselfAgain
Member
Member # 36969
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, September 28th (Friday)

Thank you for this. In the case of my WH it most certainly rings true. Just need to remind myself when I'm stuck on what he thought was so great about her.


DDay: October 7, 2011
R finally started in earnest: April 2014
Current status: If he won't make changes, I must.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Sep 2012
FenixRising
New Member
Member # 36790
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, September 29th (Saturday)

Haha wow this is sooo true of my WH and the OW. She is trash and truthfully nowhere near as attractive as I am. WH has even said she is nothing special. Yet he can't give her up. They can just be trash together then.


Me: 31
Ws:32
Married 10yrs, together 15yrs
DD: 5/30/12
Daughter 9, son 3mos
Status: stuck in the same house, but I saw the lawyer and filing for D!

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world...not even our troubles!" Charlie Chaplin


Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012
Diva0702
Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, September 30th (Sunday)

This post brings so much comfort to us all. In my case the O@W was indeed shorter, fatter, and definately uglier than I am. My FWH even said at the very beginning of my discovery that she was nowhere near as glamorous as me. Dumbass


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
sevensisterhood
New Member
Member # 36851
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, September 30th (Sunday)

THANK YOU!! Wow did I need that today, after getting a nice helping of TT with "I fell in love with her over the summer, just before I told you..." "But I didn't really love her, I love you. " Umm...?
In the Costco Parking Lot! sheesh.

this is a great post, thanks so much.


Me-53, married 23 yrs, 25 yr relationship; PA at his HS reunion, year + of s/texting, phone, Facebook; CraigsLIst postings, Ashley Madison, OKCUpid account, Adult slut sites..... "I never used them!!".

Posts: 39 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Massachusetts
evephoebe1
Member
Member # 36923
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, October 1st (Monday)

Yeah, my FWH had an affair with a woman 20 years my junior. I was prepared for a truly beautiful woman.

Instead, I was thrilled to discover a frumpy, obese woman sporting chia pet hair whilst wearing a tent dress for a shirt. She pushed a dinky cart of books around at the library.

It was also refreshing to discover that she doesn't look much younger than I do.


Me: Survivor! BS (47)
Him: WH (45)
2 awesome kids, 13 & 16

Posts: 92 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: evephoebe1
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, October 6th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 4634 | Registered: May 2012
Noexcuse2012
New Member
Member # 37087
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, October 9th (Tuesday)

Bumping xx

Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2012
circlinggirl
Member
Member # 37035
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, October 9th (Tuesday)

You are amazing, DBB! Thank you so much for this. Obviously as this is a 36 page long thread, you have helped MANY with your inspiring words. I will be showing this to my WS, as well. You have articulated so beautifully what is not always obvious. THANK YOU!


Me- BS (27)
Him- WS (32) MajorTom
Dday July 23, 2012
PA during January 2012
In R.

"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings." -- Lao Tzu


Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Oregon
tinysteps
Member
Member # 36104
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, October 12th (Friday)

Bump.
This ALWAYS makes me feel better


BS-Me (48)
WH-Him (54)
M-12yrs Together 15 years
D'Day April 20, 2012
On the R Rollercoaster

How will see the great things ahead of us if we keep looking back at the bad things behind us?


Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: My heart is at the beach
Lost33
Member
Member # 36927
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, October 12th (Friday)

This is the thread I remember seeing its so great


Wh 37 (sam793) Bs 33 me
Married 8 years. Daughter 2, due in April
Dd: July 10/12 ow called me (3.5 year ea and pa)
Ow-32-chose to not have custody of kids, divorced.drinks, drugs, goes from job to job! Had "in a relationship" with wh on fb

Posts: 75 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Canada
hurtandscared30
New Member
Member # 37127
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, October 14th (Sunday)

Thank you...this made me feel a little bit better. I'll have to keep re-reading it as time goes by, when it might help more.


BS: Me 30
WS: Him 33
DD: 19 months old
DS: 6 months old
D-day 1: August 19th 2012
D-day 2: August 30th
D-day 3: September 5th
D-day 4: October 2nd

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Washington
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, October 24th (Wednesday)

Bumped for notsaralee.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
shattered123
Member
Member # 27843
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, October 27th (Saturday)

Great post!

Posts: 2590 | Registered: Mar 2010
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, November 8th (Thursday)

bump for newbies


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
itfeelsunreal
Member
Member # 35947
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, November 9th (Friday)

I still love this post.


So close, I can taste it!
BS=me, fifty-something
Married 1985
Dday 3/20/12
Reconciling, oh ya!

Posts: 144 | Registered: Jun 2012
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, November 23rd (Friday)

bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Blameitontherain
Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, November 23rd (Friday)

I never thought of it that way at all. You have given me a moment of peace and clarity. I hope that I can draw strength from this.

Thank you very much! I am so very glad I clicked on this thread.


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
Zebo1434
New Member
Member # 37336
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, November 23rd (Friday)

Thank you, this was a read I really needed today. More then anything I miss the feeling of security, confidence and self worth.... And this helps. Even knowing the OW was a hag, and a very ughhh person, readibg it in this perspective is helpful.

Thank you.


BS Me -26
WH - 24
D Day 10/25/2012

Posts: 18 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: zebo1434
brunette
New Member
Member # 32807
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, November 23rd (Friday)

Well said! The only thing that I could add to this is that She is the victum and he is the rescuer. Then the roles reverse and he is the victum and she is the rescurer and the whole ugly circle keeps perpetuating itself. Two sick people thinking that they have something special because they can talk to each other. What shit! While you are at home taking care of the house and kids and everything else so he can be with his soulmate pouring out his heart to the one that he thinks he loves.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2011
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, November 24th (Saturday)

Thank you for bumping this- I loved it


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
Tiseye
New Member
Member # 37597
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, November 24th (Saturday)

Thanks you... even though we're the ones "not doing something wrong" it still feels awful and I love your perspective.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2012
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, November 28th (Wednesday)

Bumping for rugirlie


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, December 22nd (Saturday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
notwarmorfuzzy
New Member
Member # 37868
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, December 22nd (Saturday)

WOW!!! This post is amazing! Inspiring! True words of strength, pride, wisdom & IMPOWERMENT! Truly amazing! Thank u!!!!!!!
👍👍👍👍🙏

Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2012
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, December 22nd (Saturday)

I love this post.

I read it early on and it really gave me strength.

Thanks DBB!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1254 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, December 22nd (Saturday)

Deathbybetrayal, I just found your posting, and wow. Well said. I especially like, "She accepts the very worst parts of our husbands; the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken man. His behavior is lower than low, but that’s okay with her. She’s accepts trashy behavior, because she is trash."


Me: BW, age 68
Him: WH, age 66
Married 21 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 496 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, January 6th (Sunday)

a bump for a new year and new view


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, January 6th (Sunday)

Thanks for the Bump Edie!

This post never gets old!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1254 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
n0tm3
Member
Member # 37884
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)

I so needed to read this today. I have spent half the morning crying. Unable to pull myself out of my funk.


Me: BS 47
Him: WH 47
DDay #1: 12/17/12; OW 50 now D after 24 years

Married 21 years, friends since 1993
3 kids; 10,16,18
Reconciling

Posts: 325 | Registered: Dec 2012
PlumLoco
New Member
Member # 38045
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)

Thank you, this is great and just wanted I needed.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2013
sj81
New Member
Member # 36538
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)

So glad I read this, it even made me smile to myself

It's in my notes so I can see it every day

Thanks to everyone who kept it bumped

Eta: I hope it's true, really really hope its true! I haven't seen/don't know much about ow yet as WH doesn't remember much at all apparently, if its true I might smile a bit more in general.

[This message edited by sj81 at 5:06 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 31 | Registered: Aug 2012
notquiteoverit
Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)

I always enjoy reading this post. In my case, this most definitely was true of OW.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 645 | Registered: Jul 2011
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)

My fWH has said that there is no way he would even DATE his OW if we had split up. Can you imagine? He had no respect for her, no love, she chased him at a vulnerable time and he played out his pathologies with her, in between her threatening to tell me if he did not give her what she wanted. He never took her on a date, never spent the night, or a holiday, or a vacation, never said I love you. Yet she dreamed that there was a chance he would leave his family for her? Even after he repeatedly said he wouldn't? How deluded could she be? Now she tells me she was victimized and HE has a problem? Well yes he does, but it would have been much better if she had stayed away from a married man, a man who she had met his wife and children. Unfortunately their pathologies collied into a toxic mix. My fWH is disgusted he ever touched her.

Okay, yes, they always affair down!!


Dday -9/23/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 2207 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Jaded4life
Member
Member # 37577
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)

Great post! My wh doesn't have the personality or charm to sweet talk a real person into sex. He had to find them online. I guess when you're broken and pathetically inadequate you'd f¥<{ anything.

I saw one of the ow on Facebook and what a dog! Actually that's an insult to my yorkies


D-Months: Nov & Dec 2012. TT.

Posts: 94 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Land of the lost
StrongestGirl
New Member
Member # 38110
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, January 13th (Sunday)

Love this post! I've said it ever since but not as eloqunetly as you did. Thank you!


BS (me) - 30
WH - 31
M - 9 years
2 kids - 6 & 4
DDay 12/27/12
Status - Trying to R and put me back together.

When you think something hurts to much to forgive, then you realize you have to forgive BECAUSE it hurts so much.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2013
Beowulf
New Member
Member # 38128
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, January 15th (Tuesday)

What a great post. thank you. I really needed this.


The best revenge is living well.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Texas
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, January 16th (Wednesday)

Every word of this is soo true! My husband betrayed me with a women with 3 kids from 3 different daddies, none of whom stayed with her, she'd never been married, her family won't have anything to do with her, she's on 9 or 10 different meds for mental illness, has no female friends - just her live in bf, the guy she screwed on the side and my husband - the knight in shining armor. Oh - and no one's ever asked her to marry him. She's a waitress with no high school diploma, covered neck to toe in cartoon tatooes and vines, gets high with her kids, does various recreational drugs, her kids go without while she buys herself implants - tells the men at work how her boyfriend's penis is too big (I mean really???) just unexplainable how my husband found these faults "endearing" (his words on D-day). I'm an elementary teacher who goes without so her kids have what they need. I don't do drugs and until the A - didn't even drink socially. My H admitted he could never take her to meet his family - he'd be mortified. Yuck - this turned into a rant. Sorry. Just want to say that I've bookmarked this link - its what is starting the healing of my self-esteem. I read it everyday. I've always been a strong woman who values her attributes - and I will no longer allow this affair to make me feel "less than...". I am fortunate that my H's fog has cleared - now I will reclaim my self-esteem and value. This post will carry me through the rough patches. Thank you for posting it...


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
circlinggirl
Member
Member # 37035
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, January 18th (Friday)

Bump. Always great to reread this one.


Me- BS (27)
Him- WS (32) MajorTom
Dday July 23, 2012
PA during January 2012
In R.

"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings." -- Lao Tzu


Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Oregon
myheadreallyhurt
Member
Member # 36424
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, January 18th (Friday)

I love this. Of course I knew any woman stupid enough to get involved with a married man with pregnant wife and two small kids who was fine walking away from them without even a fight must have the lowest standards around.


"See that no one repays another evil with evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another"

Posts: 153 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
tinysteps
Member
Member # 36104
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, January 27th (Sunday)

Bump. Needed this tonight. I am so glad this is here. I have read it over and over again.
TS


BS-Me (48)
WH-Him (54)
M-12yrs Together 15 years
D'Day April 20, 2012
On the R Rollercoaster

How will see the great things ahead of us if we keep looking back at the bad things behind us?


Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: My heart is at the beach
Maxine
New Member
Member # 38178
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, January 27th (Sunday)

Thank you, Well said and very true, I guess I just haven't thought of it this way.


What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger. (I sure hope this is true)

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jan 2013
NikkiD
Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, January 28th (Monday)

Whew.... Needed this!!! Thank you!!!! Screen shotted and saved as a reminder!!!!


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Putto
Member
Member # 38261
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, January 28th (Monday)

Your words are exactly what I needed to hear. Seriously, you have no idea how much you have helped me.


I don't say much but I lurk around a lot. Thank you for baring your souls here, you've said the words I couldn't find and you've helped me heal more than I can say.


Posts: 76 | Registered: Jan 2013
bridar
Member
Member # 34512
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, January 28th (Monday)

I can't tell you how much this means to read this!!! Today is one of my extreme anger days, and upon reading this, I just broke down. Now...how do you make yourself believe all of it!?!?!?

Thank you!


Me:41
WS:43
Married 19 yrs, together 22
2 kids 21/19
Feels like I am in Hell

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Canada
BFFGone
Member
Member # 38263
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, January 28th (Monday)

Thank you for this.
The OW in my case is a size zero whore with big boobs, to my size 8 with better boobs...but honestly, I wonder if on some weird level....the reason literally cannot eat food is because of how f'ing tiny she is.
I'm prettier, better in every way humanly possible....and I have more class in the pinky toenail,than she has in her whole diseased body.........BUT why do I compare?
"F" all the weak whores that sleep with married men.


I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013
Newstart43
New Member
Member # 36562
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, January 28th (Monday)

Enjoying this thread...at least I'm not alone.

ME: BH 44 scientist (PhD in Genetics)
HER: XWW 30 scientist (PhD in Neuroscience)
OM: 44 HS diploma..now a student going back to school for RN after leaving career as lobsterman

REALLY?!?

[This message edited by Newstart43 at 3:13 PM, January 28th (Monday)]


"Courage does not always roar.
Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow". "
-Maryanne Radanbacher

Posts: 34 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Connecticut
deathbybetrayal
Member
Member # 22478
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, January 28th (Monday)

We're almost five years out so I'm not around much anymore. But I do "pop in" every now and then just to see how everyone's doing.

I read your stories. I feel your pain. I'm happy this thread has helped at least a few of you survive the next hour, or day, or week. I've still not seen any trade ups ... and once in a while something really strikes me ... like tonight:

ME: BH 44 scientist (PhD in Genetics)

OM: 44 HS diploma..now a student going back to school for RN after leaving career as lobsterman

^This is what I'm talking about. Seriously? I'm sitting here just shaking my head.

Hugs to all of you. It does get better. Eventually. It really does.

DBB


Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Jan 2009
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
betrayedhusband
Member
Member # 38443
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)

I am struggling with this. Haven't read all the posts in this thread, but where does my WW fit in here? Did she A down or did her MOM A down?

Reads like it is always the man who A's down. Somehow that doesn't make me feel much better.


Me BS 48
Her fWW 47
Married 24 yrs
Together 30 yrs
DDay 16 Jan 2013
EA 9 months & PA 1 month
Children 2 young adults
Working through it
"Character is what you are when no one is watching"

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2013
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)

Betrayed,

They both affaired down.

OM's BS is better for him than your WW.

And we all know that you are better than OM : )


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1161 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
ihearthimstill
New Member
Member # 38420
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)

Thank you. I needed this today.


me - 42yo SAHM
WH - 37yo, 1st affair
Together 11yrs; Married 9yrs
DDay 2/7/13, 2mo affair ended 12/12
kids: 7yo and 6yo
-----
"Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, then it's not the end."

Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2013
stillcrying4ever
Member
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)

Nice. I love this. And it is so true!


D Day May 27, 2012
Married 39 years
2 kids, 3 grand kids and 1 on the way

Posts: 190 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
What2Thnk
Member
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)

I needed this. More than I knew.


Me (BS) 42 - Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1; DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2; DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger. A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
HouseOfPink
New Member
Member # 38023
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)

YES! YES! YES! My WH went with a low life whore who slept around to feed her low self-esteem. She's short and obese/dumpy. A few people commented she looked like a pig when I showed them what she looked like . Even WH told me I was more gorgeous than her and my skin was smoother than hers eventhough she's more than 10 years younger than me.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Australia
EffairEmptyness
New Member
Member # 38566
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)

Wow, I needed that. Thanks!!!

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2013
englishrose
Member
Member # 34974
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)

love it, it's so true


me BW 46 WH 43
DS 7
DS's 21 & 19 (my boys - from my previous marriage)
Ddays 3&17/3/2011



Posts: 190 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: UK
dindy
Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, February 27th (Wednesday)

This is great thank you.

Me: BS
Him: xWS
Son: 3 years
Daughter: 10 months
DDay: 27-10-2013
False R: 4-02-2013
S: 20-02-2013


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
healingk
Member
Member # 28889
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, February 27th (Wednesday)

This is sooo true! It did take me a while to figure it out, but I finally got it!
Great Post.


Ws 63
Bs me--60
Married 42 years
D Day 11/30/08
Just trying to feel normal.It is getting there, but very slow.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Tennessee
flashgirlrider
New Member
Member # 38691
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, March 11th (Monday)

this is great, so true


Liars never prosper

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2013
phoenixrivers
Member
Member # 38314
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 11th (Monday)

Me: Ph.D.

OM: Heating and Air Conditioning sales and repairman.

Go figure.

[This message edited by phoenixrivers at 5:59 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]


Me: xBetrayedBF (xBBF)
Her: xWaywardGF (xWGF)
TT: 12/21/12
Splitsville: 1/6/13
DDay: 7/20/13
Done: 8/16/14
"Nobody knows anybody...not that well." Tom Reagan, "Miller's Crossing"

Posts: 150 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Orleans, LA
EffairEmptyness
New Member
Member # 38566
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, March 11th (Monday)

I never commented when I read this, but it helped me so much, I'm glad I saw it again. In the last session, the MC asked if the EM had hurt my self esteem. Because of this post I was able to say "only initially, but then I realized she was lonely, pathetic, and desperate enough to settle for whatever morsels of attention she can get from a married man. I guess she was such a looser, she could not get any attention a single man" WS was like...damn. I'm so glad I had a chance to say that. The timing was perfect and it felt great. Btw, WS said it was stupid of him and I was prettier than all of them.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2013
kleann
New Member
Member # 38696
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, March 11th (Monday)

OMG. Thank you so much for that. I have been stuggling with my own self-esteem so bad since I found out, but you are so right. She is pathetic,not me. She is trash. I am way above anything she will ever be. You just made my day!

Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2013
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Cool  Posted: 1:02 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

In my case, OW looks like an older, busted up, shorter, fatter version of me. I thought she was my age when I saw her. (I regularly get mistaken for late 20's by folks in their 20's.)

Our mutual friends say she is stupid and mean. Winning combo ....

But ... this silly lass has been content fucking MY husband, eating my left-overs for 4+ years. WH isn't coming thru w/d he's been promising. OW still has stuck around. I can only guess WH's attraction is that OW is manageable, unlike me. I know for a fact that WH is cheating on OW. Yet, this broken, damaged excuse of a woman STILL sticks around.

So, yeah, they do affair down ... down to the depths of the sewer, if need be.


Me: fBW/MH 40s
3.26.13: Liberation day: D'd the whiny turd after being saddled with a serial cheating, NPD, jitbag 10 years too long
Now: happy in life, happily in love with the RIGHT man -----> Everything is as it should be


Posts: 940 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: The Hostile City
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)

Bumpety bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
deepbluesky
New Member
Member # 38671
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)

This makes me feel so good. I have seen a picture of OW and just judging on looks alone he definitely went down a notch. From the other things that I have heard she is nothing like me...insecure, spacey and the likes.


BS - 44
WH - 46
Married 13 years together 16 years
D-Day 23/01/13
Working on it...

Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5379 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

Thank you so much for this!! I saw the two of them together a few weeks ago and have been completely devastated by that. Wondering what she had that I don't have (big boobs). My friends at the same event told me that I am better looking, no comparison, but of course they would say that.
After reading this, my first impulse is to send it to the skank. Second impulse was the send it to him.
The truth is, I need it more than they do. One of my friends that met her said that she sensed she was desperate. Has been a single Mom for five years, so that explains why she would get involved with a married man. He is just a pig. He cheated on me, cheated on his second wife and will cheat on her. She will be devastated, it will hit her out of the blue. She will have no idea, but she will always worry that he is going to cheat on her because she KNOWS that he is a cheat. She may buy his story now about how lonely he was, how I neglected him, how I didn't care for him, that all I cared about was my classes. Right now, he's romancing her, spending money on her, telling her all the things that she wants to hear. How he loves her, how she makes him the man he was truly meant to be. All the lies. Then, he will start to suck her dry. It will be all about him. All the little things he will ask her to do for him. He will start to treat her like she is his secretary. She will see his temper when she disagrees with him. His job will always come first, she will only get the part of him that crawls into bed late at night. She will get tired of him waking her up to rub his back because he can't sleep. He will lie to her. He will control her with his money.
And in seven or eight years, her world will come crashing down when another tramp, just like her, approaches him and jumps.
And when that day happens, I will celebrate!!!! But I will have to get through their wedding day first.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 491 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)

bumped for imshockedandhurt


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)

I loved it so much, I posted it on HER Facebook wall... Lol, I can't see her profile anymore so I'm guessing that she's probably finally blocked me 100%. F'n cow. I hope many got to read it before she deleted it.


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 26,16, 15 and 13
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 476 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)

cher, If she was to google the text, she would come straight here.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

Wow, that's some powerful stuff. But, what about the OW my WS lied to?? They had no idea he was married, had kids, or even knew his real age.


Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

Posts: 972 | Registered: Apr 2013
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, April 20th (Saturday)


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5379 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Some may call me a prude but......

Just after she found out she was pregnant to her boyfriend with her second child OW3's daughter posted this on her FB

OW3 "liked" her post.

She and the boyfriend then went on to discuss whether she deserved "cunnilingus" for the meal she had just cooked and whether he was entitled to a BJ in return.

All publicly on FB!!!

Maybe there is something wrong with me but I would curl up in a ball of shame if my daughter did that.

(BTW 60 yr old OW3 gave FWH a BJ each time they met. They would lie in bed, chat for a while and then she would say "Well there are better things I could be doing with my mouth" and then get to work EVERY TIME!!!)

By my standards he definitely affaired down.


Married 33yrs Me BW 59Yrs Him FWH 62yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2772 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
MovingOn101
New Member
Member # 39168
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Oh I love this! I havemsdeva copy and I sent it to OW via email ( she replied she agreed but she wasn't trash - I told her no she was dirtier than trash!) then FB to all her friends and family telling them who I was lol ! Felt good at the time

Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Australia
stillsad1970
Member
Member # 38977
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Well what happens if the OW is also married ?

Posts: 108 | Registered: Apr 2013
getting_stronger
Member
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I always have loved this thread. SO true!!

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
ketyb
New Member
Member # 39498
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

This is so true...my H left me for my best friend who has slept with everyone at work and in town..she is cronically depressed and cold person who has a bad childhood with a father who took her to his whores house as he cheated...my H has been with her one year now,,they both look like shit and he says he is so unhappy...he has ruined my life as well as his own...he has called me all year..giving me gifts, money and saying he wants us back,,but as he never left her and never leaves her side(they don't trust eachother) they sit at home alone..no friends...he has cheated 4 times in the 11 years we were together.she is nummbr 5..but thes other women were unaware he was married...this one knew

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Sweden
MissD
Member
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, June 10th (Monday)

Saving a copy of this awesomeness!


Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Bumped for Phoebesma and other newbies in pain and confusion.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1254 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

This is awesome, I love you.

Its even more of a zinger in my case because my WH had an EA that he begged for and destroyed himself for to be a PA (actually he wanted to live with her forever and ever blah blah blah) and she wouldn't go there. She stayed strong for her marriage and her son. Then he now, a year later, has thoughts of how she wasn't good enough for him.

I think I'm the only one on SI that admires the OW somewhat. Should she have flirted? No. Should she have pumped him all up? No. But I don't think he was truly "affairing down". Would I love to smack her for toying with him and causing him enormous work trouble? Yeah. I don't understand how she gets to be totally unaccountable there but oh well. Karma can deal with her. Meanwhile I'm enjoying the fact that he couldn't even get this right.

As I sit back and try and compose myself and my future this is one of the things I think of - it wasn't her, not this time, but there will be more because of all the things you said here - he's broken, unless he gets "fixed" I don't even want him, I can survive him, I just have to try and make the best decisions first for my son and then for me during a very emotional time.


Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2013
MylarPineapples
Member
Member # 39570
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I love this. This is very true in my case, each and every single time. WH even admits this.


Me: BS, Him: WH
8/08: EA with former neighbor (OW#1)
1/13/13: EA/Sexting with Coworker#1 (OW#2)
6/16/13: Sexting with Coworker#2 (OW#3)
Reconciling

Posts: 156 | Registered: Jun 2013
ladyphoenix84
New Member
Member # 39559
DOH!  Posted: 6:22 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

I was talking with a customer at the bar about affairs a few days ago and he said, "If my wife is going to cheat on me, she could at least have the good sense to make it with Brad Pitt, or someone actually worth hurting me for."
I feel much the same way about WS's choice. Really? That chick with all the tatts who's dressed like a street-walker. Has 3 children by different father's and dropped out of high school. She doesn't even have a car. Her friends have to go pick her up. And she is supposed to be in promotions. How do you make a living when you have to depend on everyone else to get to work?
"She's actually a really cool person at the concerts and stuff.", WS said.
"What? When she's not being a home-wrecker?"
Before she had confronted me and told me what was going on, forcing him to tell the truth, I had seen their correspondences. "You got what you wanted from me and now you're ignoring me. I'm not like your stupid stripper girlfriend. I can see what is going on. No wonder I have such a low self-esteem and issues with me."
I thought to myself that you've got to have a low self-esteem to be pursuing a man who is in a relationship. If he is, in fact, going to end it, let him handle his business before you go pounding your dirty, blown out vag all over him.
Really? You wanted to have sex with that? Stretch marks, c-sections scars? Compared to the 100 lb center-fold you've got at home?
He always has attracted the lowest the of the low. Case and point, his ex was a crack-head.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
shatteredheart7
Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, July 5th (Friday)

THIS is what brought me to this site. I found it during a google search while looking for help. I have printed it out and read it every day!


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
tooanalytical
Member
Member # 22306
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, July 5th (Friday)

FWW hooked up with an MOM that was about 100lbs overweight and looked like Shrek. Go figure.

Edited to add that I still hate all shrek movies.

[This message edited by tooanalytical at 7:35 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


Me BH 44
FWW 44
Married 21 years
D-Day Apr 29, 2008
Children: 19,17,14
EA/PA - 1 year
Status: R

Posts: 335 | Registered: Jan 2009
hobbeskat
Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, July 5th (Friday)

When my husband told his two friends who he'd cheated on me with, one laughed in disbelief and the other said, "If you were going to cheat on her, you could have cheated on her with someone better".

Posts: 309 | Registered: Mar 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I believe in this sentiment, yes.

But, OW in the case of STBX is walking off into the sunset with him and he is leaving a 20 year marriage, home he built, daughter and unborn child...all for this ...person.

Yet, I believe in the message of the original post here too, especially from the one brief interaction I had with her before I cut it off. She was ready to fight me tooth and nail for a cheating liar, while his wife is at home pregnant...and you know, OW knows he cheated on her with me, but I can't handle the pain he dishes out anymore.

I think I could write for many days on this part of the subject, but think this is true, too Edie.

And this "great catch" that STBX will pay and pay and pay, with money she won't get, until he is retirement age! He boasted of this house we built and she won't get that either, though she "got him".

He is NPD/PA/SA and she...a fool.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 3031 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
thecosmogirl
Member
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

The original post on this thread just made me smile :)


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore


D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 320 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
byHisGrace
New Member
Member # 39319
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

I needed this. I found the OW on Facebook and I feel like she's prettier and she is definitely thinner. But when I look at the child support papers and see that she has 3 children by 3 different men (sadly one being my husband) I realize that she is less then me. I have never cheated, my only child is with my husband and she is more beautiful then his other child because she was created out of love not lust (I do feel sorry for the OC because of this though).


Me - 25
FWH (BF at the time of A) - 27
DD - 10 weeks
His other daughter - 1 1/2

DDay - May 9

"You are strong and brave." - My fortune shortly after DDay, the cookie knew just what to say.


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Tennessee
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Bump


Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Aug 2009
Brokenuma
New Member
Member # 39915
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Thank you so much for this post. I needed this so much today. I am a new found out and absolutely reeling from the pain and shock. My first husband was a serial cheater and we divorced many years ago. I thought I had found a good egg but sadly he has fallen to the OW looking to build his self esteem after 16 years. He swears she did not know he was married and feels bad he deceived us both. He was the lion and we were the innocent prey he said. I think it is much different than that, but time will tell. She was his massage therapist and we were both registered in their system. So I feel she knew exactly what she was doing and went in for the weak one as you said. Thank you for giving me the strength today to see I am not at the back of the pack. I am in front and will only grow stronger as time goes on.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CA
Jannarae
New Member
Member # 39849
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

This is just an awesome post!! Put a huge smile on my face and I think it will stay there the rest of the day!!

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
ILY7079
New Member
Member # 39940
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

deathbybetrayal, I feel as if you wrote this for Me. Thank You Very Much. It lifted my spirits a bit.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jul 2013
feelingfoolish
Member
Member # 22804
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Thank you. I really needed to read this today.


me-47y
H-48y M-15 yrs
2 DS-23,18

Multiple ddays-LTA with coworker.



Posts: 538 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: emerald city, oz
dargirl
New Member
Member # 39909
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

why is it that I NEED to know all the details.. I search and search.. I feel consumed with it.. I feel sad, numb, hollow, help me

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2013
hellandback
New Member
Member # 39972
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

OMG..Did I need this..soooo true and something I never thought of..Thanks

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2013
daisychains
Member
Member # 37997
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Two ow's in my case - both knew he was married - both had alcoholic ex husbands that cheated on them - nuff said.


LTA 3.5 years

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: uk
DOmomma09
Member
Member # 39920
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Ah, I really needed this right now. Hard to have insight and perspective from where I'm standing.

Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2013
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

My WH definitely did!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased as of March 2014)
Married 13 years
4 children
DD = April 14, 2013
Left for OW
July 2013 - WH wanted to R

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Phoenix9572
Member
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

What an empowering post! Thank you for the insight and positive perspective on what happened. I will definitely need to revisit as I work through these emotions.


Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
kickboxer
Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Yup.

What she said.


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 15 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1328 | Registered: Apr 2009
stupidgirlme
New Member
Member # 38778
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

This is absolutely perfect!!!!

scans the herd for the easiest to kill.

I'm so glad I had just swallowed my last sip of coffee, or I would be mopping it off the monitor right now. I'm still laughing! Your analogy has definitely made my day! Thank you!


~~I love listening to lies when I know the truth~~

Posts: 47 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Florida
krazy8516
Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Great words. Thanks to whoever moved this up so I could read it.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Cliffhanger101
New Member
Member # 40218
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

It's nice to laugh! Love this.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CliffHanger101
Nicnac
Member
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

Thank you.

I think today I finally came out of the shock and was hit with reality. I really needed something like this. I am printing it and reading it everyday!


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
Ammare888
New Member
Member # 40191
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

I'm glad this got bumped. I really needed it today. It's so true.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
DancinOnThinIce
New Member
Member # 29873
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Bump again.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW
Kids: 3 DD
D Day: 9/23/10
Status: R

I've never been good at sharing. ~ me


Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: dancinonthinice
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

New member here! Boy was that something I needed to read! and it's true. He's begging for me to forgive and told her to f*ck off and that I was irreplaceable. She said, "I can change your mind" he said, "no, no you can't"

Thanks for this!!


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 15 years
3 awesome and beautiful children
OC discovered on Dday - born in 2005
D-Day Summer 2013

working towards D...I can't pretend anymore

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
undonelife
Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Guess I'm not there yet. I feel he affaired up. She is 20 years younger. Skinny. Beautiful long hair. Has a nursing degree. I'm none of those those things. I'm 54 overweight thinning hair. They had a lot in common in the medical field & working for the same business. They texted all night and all day about work , life, kids, sex. 12,000 text +/- in 3 months. She was good in bed and always there anytime night or day for him in any possible way she could be. I can't compare. I don't really want to compare anyway. He's an ugly 52 year old man but she "loved" him anyway. Aside from her being a lying sack of shit & a weird egg for falling for an old man she's way more than me. Still working to get at the "he affaired down" place. I 180'd him & was happy without him & he hightailed it back to me. He's working hard to repair but I wish we had just gone our separate ways.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 1 1986 EA Confessed,Rugswept
DDay 2 11/25/2012 EA/PA Caught
TT 9/9/13 Lies,Pictures
In R
OW:20 yrs younger M-CwOW

Posts: 228 | Registered: Feb 2013
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Undone life:

OW has to be incredibly broken and without values to have an affair with someone twenty years older who is married with children. I know because my mother did that. She had big time daddy issues. On the surface she may have appeared better but underneath the superficial layer she was broken.


Me: BS 47
Her: FWS 50 (both family med MDs; together 20 years)
OW: who cares (PhD)
Dday: 10/11: 11/11 TT for months; NC 8/12
Limboconsiliationish
"band aids don't fix bullet holes" Taylor Swift
I NEVER mind medical ???

Posts: 2980 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Here
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, August 12th (Monday)

I agree with purplejacket - the OW for my WH has daddy issues as well - apparently, he was never around.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 15 years
3 awesome and beautiful children
OC discovered on Dday - born in 2005
D-Day Summer 2013

working towards D...I can't pretend anymore

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
TS68
Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, August 12th (Monday)

i appreciate this, but it does not make me feel any better because i dont care about her... i care about the fact that my husband does not love me anymore


Me: 48
Him: 50
Married 22 years too many
DS19, DS17, DD10
Divorced

Know your worth.


Posts: 1422 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Detroit, Michigan
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, August 12th (Monday)

TS68 - did he say this to you? if he did i'm so sorry. if he didn't please know that an affair isn't about love, it's about selfishness and self-gratification. My WH says that "I never loved her. It was about sex, and someone that didn't argue with me."

At the time my WH cheated we were both stressed and arguing and he stupidly confided in her. She tried her hardest to break up our marriage because her son needs a father and our 3 children will "get over it". After he finally got his sense back he created a NC agreement with me regarding her. That's when she really ramped up her attempts to contact me to tell me her side of the story and that "I deserved the truth" when in reality she was pissed at him and was trying to hurt him.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 15 years
3 awesome and beautiful children
OC discovered on Dday - born in 2005
D-Day Summer 2013

working towards D...I can't pretend anymore

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
phoenixrivers
Member
Member # 38314
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I stand corrected:

Me: Ph.D.

OM: maintenance man, user and
drug addict

Not enough gumption (either of them) to find someone outside of work environment where they won't jeopardize their jobs.


Me: xBetrayedBF (xBBF)
Her: xWaywardGF (xWGF)
TT: 12/21/12
Splitsville: 1/6/13
DDay: 7/20/13
Done: 8/16/14
"Nobody knows anybody...not that well." Tom Reagan, "Miller's Crossing"

Posts: 150 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Orleans, LA
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, August 25th (Sunday)

*BUMP*

Someone bumped this a few days after I came to SI, and even though I have never seen the OW, it made me feel tons better...bumping it for all the new folks. It is worth the read!

By the way....a million thanks to deathbybetrayal for the initial post.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 377 | Registered: Aug 2013
Girlietoo
Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

The OW in our sitch is younger, skinner, and Engineer in Training...certainly seems to have a lot more going for her than I do.

However, I have something she doesn't have. Self respect and dignity. I would never stand for some old guy giving me 30mins of his time in the front seat of the car and then washing up to go home to his wife. She begged him to come see her "for coffee" she sent him half naked pictures... all to lure him to her. And he wouldn't go. That certainly proves that young and skinny didn't get her what she wanted.

Oh! My husband is an asshole for doing what he did. I don't blame her for corrupting him or anything of the sort. In fact, I feel as though he used and took advantage of a very nieve young woman who clearly has sexual issues.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 282 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Broken6
Member
Member # 40347
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Bump. I love this post and I copied to a word doc so I could read it often. It makes me feel better about a lousy situation. My WH was on my computer and found it. He made a snide comment. Doesn't make it any less true.


The grass isn't greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Bump! Love to read it again!


M: 10 years both late 40s.
3 Children
DDay: April 2013
Legally separated on Oct 2013.
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

Bump again!

[This message edited by Blackhair at 7:00 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]


M: 10 years both late 40s.
3 Children
DDay: April 2013
Legally separated on Oct 2013.
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Broken6
Member
Member # 40347
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

So it doesn't go to page 2, bump it again. It really is uplifting. It cements what we all think, the OP is a bottom-feeder.


The grass isn't greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

I try to believe this and it makes sense, but he gave up 20 years of M for OW and a host of other things...ruined his life for her...still I believe a shred of this idea because it helps to explain the kind of person who wouldn't send him packing.

What it does is make me so sad for the person he's become, if this is the case...how did I ever think I knew him?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 3031 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Very glad to return and see that this has not fallen off into archive freefall yet and that it is being kept and bumped.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
heartbrokeninaz
Member
Member # 40779
Happy  Posted: 7:28 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

Great post! It is true 100% Even my spouse told me this about his PA. He chose her because he knew she would. Not that she was attractive, not smart, not even a person you can have a conversation with. We all need this reminder every day.


BW 41(me)
WH 41
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with whorenado
DDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)
I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.

Posts: 332 | Registered: Sep 2013
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

Thanks for this - I was thinking the other day (as I cried at wedding photos) that while it kills me how he deceived me all these months how the hell could OW live being on beck & call for a lunch time sex session or when I was out of town - never being in public place, never introducing him to friends - what sort of a crappy existence would that be & what kind of a person wants that life knowing he is going home to an unsuspecting wife (he "no longer loves"!) - and the minute she forced the issue on my doorstep she got dropped - what kind of a woman takes that crap? I just don't want to feel I am as bad by keeping a H who showed deep disrespect and disloyalty...that is where the conflict comes in

Posts: 265 | Registered: Sep 2013
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

strongerbytheday - my OW also wanted to "tell me the truth" to be fair to me (!!) Fair would be to keep clear of a married man with a pregnant wife....she wanted my life in every way - my home, my son, my H - and let me know she'd touched them all - sick

Posts: 265 | Registered: Sep 2013
suposd2btheonly1
Member
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Coming up on two months since my life took a turn for the worse and I'm so thankful I read this. Your post gave me a whole new way of thinking. Thank you so very much


Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I know, I was shocked when I first read this thread. . . I was still in threatened mode. Once I took a long, hard look at her, and myself, I realized that it was totally true. My H literally picked the least accomplished woman we knew. The least. Not that accomplishments in the outside world are everything, but seriously . . . it was kind of liberating and insulting at the same time.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3396 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I wrote a post the other day after seeing pic of OW for the first time. I was stunned....she was me in every way except hair color ( I am red she is brunette) and she smokes where I don't. Otherwise we could be mistaken as twins. I cried and posted on general. The response I got was that she may look like me but she is not be because I have respect and dignity for myself, she does not. She is just a poor version of me.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 377 | Registered: Aug 2013
SurelyNOT
Member
Member # 40617
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Really needed this, my heart is literally singing with joy having read this. DBB you just made my day so much better. He has left us for her and really she is welcome to him, reading your piece just reaffirmed this for me. It won't last, I know my H will not be proud to show her off, he's moved to a completely different part of town, dropped our friends, and adopted hers. Thank you for your insight and pearls of wisdom

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
Thessalian
Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

@emotionalgirl, I had exactly the opposite situation, and it scared me to death.

I'm very tall, thin but on a square, athletic frame and Caucasian. My husband's AP, and many of the women he messed around with, are super short teeny-tiny Asian waif girls.

Not that this makes it any better for you, but I wish my husband cheated with a crappy version of me. At least I'd know that I'm his type sexually. Now, I feel like he decided to marry me despite the fact that I'm not his type, whereas before I'd always believed he thought I was beautiful. Now, though he tells me so often, it's hard to believe him.

My point isn't that it's good that he cheated with someone like you. My point is that no matter who he cheated with, your brain will find a way to say, "why that one?"

[This message edited by Thessalian at 11:28 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 168 | Registered: Sep 2013
conflicted88
New Member
Member # 40793
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, September 27th (Friday)

This post really made me feel better as it was so true in my case. My fiance cheated on me with an ex that he knew would not reject him.

During his confession session he admitted to having a crush of a good friend of mine. Someone whom I know would have put him in his place had he tried anything with her. He knew he didn't stand a chance with my friend and went for the easier target instead - his insecure, desperate for attention ex who was lied to herself repeatedly that the feelings were real when deep down she knew it wasn't.

The funniest part is that she sent him topless photos with her face!!! How classy


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, September 27th (Friday)

So totally true in my situation.


Me BS 33 Him WS 37
Together 6 years, married almost 4 years
D-day: 07/23/13 EA with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out about a past kiss
D-day: 05/30/16 Saw first text message from new COW
D-day: 09-08-16 Dr. Fone confirmed EA

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, September 27th (Friday)

I've seen this thread before since it gets bumped every so often. The first part of the original post makes me feel better. I agree that the OW is weak, broken, and most definitely trash who was willing and eager to accept all the worst qualities in my XWH. And I agree that he chose her for those very reasons, because to find someone low enough to "look up" to him meant he really had to scrape the bottom of the barrel.

But how am I supposed to feel when this:

So what happens when we catch him with her? Most often he leaves her where he found her, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack – even weaker and more injured than when he found her. She’s worse for the wear. Trust me, it is her self-esteem that is eroded, not ours. After all, she wasn't able to keep him even considering he was in a "loveless, sexless" marriage to a "cold-hearten woman." Because isn't that the way it always is? How pathetic that she's given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed?

..isn't the way it happened? She was weak, broken, pathetic trash... and he still left me for her. He still showed no regret, no remorse in his decision, no doubt whatsoever for the "trade down" that he chose. He demanded a divorce and eight days later moved out of our home and into a new place they got together.

I haven't read all the pages of replies to this original post, so maybe this has already been addressed... but any help would be appreciated.

It hasn't been a good day so far. And it's not even noon.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords


Posts: 1855 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1328 | Registered: Apr 2009
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Hello everyone,
I'm just popping in from my usual spot in JFO and divorce/ separation!

Would I be right in thinking that this thread is mainly posted to by women? If so, I can understand why so many women feel hurt to be dumped for a younger/ prettier/ slimmer/ sluttier model. What I can say is that, as a man, a decent honest man, that these men are arseholes.

I had plenty of opportunities to dabble away from home (but didn't) but I actually cherished my WW's physical imperfections. Every single stretch mark, scar, wrinkle, vein and pimple was adored. I knew every single blemish and it made me love her more. It was a map of our history together. Sure, I am attracted to women on the TV who catch my eye but it never stopped me finding my wife attractive and turned on by her. Ultimately men DO know there is more to life than the superficial.

What I'm trying to say is, their choices are crap, they may have put their dicks in something that gives a 5 minute thrill ride, but sex without emotion and connection is just rubbish.

Never consider you are less than the OW.

My wife's POS is a shorter, balder, uglier version of me. He looks like Gru. He smokes and he is arrogant, smug, controlling and clearly lacking backbone and morals. He is willing to steal another mans wife and children and then rub my nose in it. This is not a man whom I should be jealous of.

When I first heard of him via my wife's emails and subsequent conversations, she portrayed him as a better version of me. He was strong, assertive, confident, a leader. What she couldn't see was that is me to a Tee. I had a wobble of depression for 6 months in early 2012 where those character traits were suppressed but then I returned stronger than ever. It was during this time that her boss took over as the strong character she was attracted to. She no longer saw me being the strong person she wanted. She saw me as weak and flawed.

Now I see that she is the flawed one. He is weak (and really ugly!) and they are welcome to each other.

They always affair down



You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 781 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, October 17th (Thursday)


But how am I supposed to feel when this:

So what happens when we catch him with her? Most often he leaves her where he found her, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack – even weaker and more injured than when he found her. She’s worse for the wear. Trust me, it is her self-esteem that is eroded, not ours. After all, she wasn't able to keep him even considering he was in a "loveless, sexless" marriage to a "cold-hearten woman." Because isn't that the way it always is? How pathetic that she's given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed?
..isn't the way it happened? She was weak, broken, pathetic trash... and he still left me for her. He still showed no regret, no remorse in his decision, no doubt whatsoever for the "trade down" that he chose. He demanded a divorce and eight days later moved out of our home and into a new place they got together.

Gypsy, I am sorry your husband left. It is clear from his callous and inhumane behaviour that the OW won nothing, except continual doubt as to when it will happen to her.

Read over your words again - he must continually need someone to look up to him, or rather he must continually need to look down on someone and feel superior. I guess he couldn't with you.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Swims
Member
Member # 30992
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Bump for rachelc

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: East Coast
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

If you don't think they affaired down, then you don't really know much about the AP.

Realizing it is the hard part, because to many of us these AP's are sort of vague and mystical in a way. We think they must have some kind of appeal that others don't have, something that overwhelmed our WS's adherence to the appropriate boundaries.

When the real problem is that the WS didn't have the proper boundaries long before the AP showed up.

All that happened is that someone came on the scene that was willing to engage in an affair with the WS.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, December 13th (Friday)

This thread is taking me for a loop...

1. I have to agree to a certain extent..
My wife had multiple AP that I know of. One was short term and he is physically in my case better looking than me and she had sex with him twice, but said he was a jerk. The one she had a full blown relationship, would look like me but heavier set. He was her mentor in the church and both have a interest in music. He taught her how to play the drums. Now he left her after getting all the sex I never got... She tell's me it isn't about looks but personality. I told her he was in the same porn addiction group I was in and she went after him knowing that he was married. Some personality, if a man can look at girl, that he help mentor and call his "little sister" and take advantage of her during her Marriage Issues then this guy is a predator and his porn addiction has developed because from what others have shared, when you don't get porn under control, it eventually doesn't become enough and then you start seeking affairs/prostitutes. I have been 3 years clean. And she had the nerve to say that he only told her what she wanted to her.

DUH!!!

2. The part that is making me upset about this, is my WW is the weak one... I always new she was weak and she would fail. She wants someone to make her feel loved, cared for and special. I wasn't perfect, but I tried to do a lot of things.
I guess I didn't try hard enough or I wasn't good enough.

I tempted to post those AP's facebook accounts on here but I am not sure if that is allowed or wise.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 7:12 AM, December 13th (Friday)]


I am the wandering samurai, and I found my freedom...

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Thessalian
Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, December 15th (Sunday)

I posted on this thread a while back, in the midst of a bunch of body image issues that WH's affair caused.

Thought I'd add an update.

In the beginning, platitudes about the OW being not such a good person did not help at all. I found no real comfort in this post, I felt like this was just an empty attempt for BS's to make other BS's feel better about being put last. And I understand many BS don't get to have an insider's look into OP's life. But I am in a unique position: our social circle is wide, but everyone is only removed by one or two degrees of separation, and I often hear intimate things about people I barely know and "friends of friends of friends", so I end up hearing lots of gossip about OW even when I don't want to or ask about her.

Over the last 3 months, I've come to find out just how true this post is, and as a result, my concerns about her are largely gone. Over and over and over again, in waves of grapevine gossip, WH and I started hearing about more men in our scene that OW is / was sleeping with. Then more. Then more. Then more. It's gotten to the point where I can't think of anyone in that scene that I know she hasn't hopped into bed with, including some real Grade-A slimeballs. Ew.

Finally, after finding out about the last one, WH threw his hands up in the air and said, "Oh god, I had an affair with the scene whore! What is wrong with me? How did I not see that?" WH was just the idiot guy that got emotionally involved with her, half the other guys in our (former) scene are "smart enough" to just bang her and move on.

She's so pathetic, and I only really have some small vestiges of knee-jerk jealousy hanging around about her looks or social resume. But then I think about what her life is like and I realize what a wasteland it is. Always the secret screw that guys take home from the club when they're drunk, that they proposition at 4 in the morning because they know she'll say 'yes', but no one asks her out on an actual date, like, ever. And her last boyfriend (and to my new understanding, all her other serious boyfriends) cheated on her profusely and publicly. She's so starved for real affection that she thinks WH's lies and deceptions are the nicest thing anyone's done for her in a while, and she clung to the memory of being discarded for me, telling herself it was romantic. Yikes. What a gross broken person.

I went back and read this post today, and I realized it is COMPLETELY true. All of it, every word. Honey, you may never hear about how screwed up OP is, but they DO always affair down.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 9:18 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 168 | Registered: Sep 2013
darklilly23
New Member
Member # 39457
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, December 15th (Sunday)

Just wanted to thank you for this post,
Is has been confusing as hell trying to understand how I got traded in for, for, "that".... Lol, so dead on right this post is, WS needed something to feed his fragile Ego and I would no longer give him the undeserved ego kibbles that he apparently needed.

Little things like " Honey I know you are a "Artist" and all but how are we going to actually afford to move out of your mothers house after living there for 10 years?"

Stressed him out too much, sooo he found someone (an ex girl friend) who "needed help with her marriage"

She is so much more understanding than I was...

The problem he said was ultimately that I wanted him to do the impossible, I wanted him not to "want to talk to her.

So he solved it all by bonking her :D really helped her marriage and solved his marriage issues as well! Lol ...
Sigh....

Anyway I digress, thanks for this post! It really lifted my chin up!


Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Ho Ho Ho .. Yes my fWH did A way down. First she's fugly and squatty thinks she smart but when I told her what fWH called her she realized she was nothing.
He said he would meet her at the park and fuck lot. I say wow you picked a class act ... having sex in the car..
He said "well she asked if we could go to a hotel but I told her she wasn't worth the money". Man can you believe she kept going back and fucked him in the car.. Talk about low self esteem. That made me laugh until I realized how selfish he was dstroying our M for that POS.
What a whore. He found out she did that while in college with married professors. Can you say stupid.

[This message edited by Dreamland at 10:48 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Thanks for this thread. It's hard to remind myself that if nothing else, no matter what she looks like, the OW does not have integrity or morals, and that is something I value more highly than outward appearances.

So far, everyone who has seen OW's pic on FB has said she is not pretty. My first instinct is always, "that's because she is ugly inside.".

I'm still hoping my WH comes out of the fog. I'm afraid he is going to have to move out before that happens. Right now I am trying to work on myself so that I can emotionally support my kids when/if their DDay comes. So far he hasn't filed, but I think it's only a matter of time.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

Posts: 5442 | Registered: Aug 2013
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, December 25th (Wednesday)

Bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 1026 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
littlefoggy
Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Bump


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 505 | Registered: Nov 2013
foolishlycluless
Member
Member # 41404
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Thanks for this thread. It's hard to remind myself that if nothing else, no matter what she looks like, the OW does not have integrity or morals, and that is something I value more highly than outward appearances.

Just found this thread, and found the above from nekorb interesting. Unfortunately it means that my WH does not have the integrity and morals that I thought he had.

I would describe OW as "plain." She is in her mid-30s (about 24 years younger than WH) and has a law degree. From what he has told me thus far (still getting TT), it was just that she was "interested" - although according to him she describes herself as a lesbian and is now recently divorced from her female husband. (My comment was that she apparently is not a lesbian but is bi-sexual.)

A definite "hit" to my self-esteem that she was younger, more educated (smarter?), and a "lesbian" to boot.

Sigh.


BW 55
WH 59
M 30 yrs, together 33 yrs, no children.
D-Day #1: 9/23/2013, EA 15+ months, PA with 34 YO business assoc
D-Day #2: 11/27/2013, OW, EA for 2-3 yrs (2005-2007), PA
D-Day #3: 6/6/2014, found the sex video
Status: Putting on my bitch bo

Posts: 139 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington DC
BeyondBrokenInTN
Member
Member # 41507
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

Great post! And it's so true!!

My WBF did cheat down (I'm not just saying that). I look at this woman's picture and wonder how the heck he was able to get hard?! She is very unfortunate looking with stringy hair. She's 37 but looks 57 in the photo. (Not that 57 is old - just saying how she looks). It makes me sick to my stomach. Yes, I think the OW was broken and easy to get. She has no children, never been married, extremely intelligent but very ugly....probably doesn't have many guys that knock at her door & she probably gets used a lot. I know my WBF dropped his contact with her like a hot potatoe. Basically said he wanted to work things out with his gf of almost 6 years, said he made a mistake in ATL and asked her to lose his number. So she was left where she was when they met, used and broken. Maybe one day she'll learn to stop messing with married men or men in relationships.


Me: BGF 38F
Him: WBF 33M
Together for 5.9 years (4/5/08)
PA - Oct. 16, 17, 18, 2013 (business training out of state)
EA - Oct. 14 - Nov. 22, 2013 (same Woman)
D-DAY ~ Nov 22, 2013 (I found emails & confronted).
Working toward Reconciliation

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Tennessee
Coachdig10
Member
Member # 41706
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

I agree with the post. My WW affaired down. He is funny and gave her the attention she was looking for. That's all it took.


BS- 42
WS- 36
Married 16
Kids- 3
DDay 1/17/13

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: California
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Yep, I can agree that my WH partnered down BIG time with a work colleague.

Some "innocent emails" with a "work friend" has blossomed into a full blown affair the minute I asked him to leave 3 weeks ago!

She looks like a lesbian, is butch & has the legs of a footballer & is twice my size. She lacks class & obviously substance. The only thing she has on her side is youth, she is 30, my husband & I 43. Even at 43, I would beat her in a beauty contest hands down & this is coming from someone who has low self esteem. When I was her age my husband was proud to have me on his arm. She does not resemble me in any way shape or form, inside or out. In fact with her interest in all things masculine, she seems to be the female equivalent of my H!

I am funny, educated, loyal & honest. I even made by H laugh in arguements! I showed him the world, he had never travelled until he met me.

It is clear to me that they are feeding off each other's neediness & boosting each other's ego. I just hope being together 24/7 is too much to handle & that this affair fizzles out just as quickly as it started.

If this is all it takes for my H to stray & lose his good moral character overnight WHY do I cry everyday hoping he will wake up to himself & come home


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

Slightly hesitant about following the anti-gay reference above without comment as it made me feel very queasy, so am bumping and commenting!


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

Bumped for Seekingguidance and Purplelilac.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1254 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
staystrong25
New Member
Member # 42120
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

This was great to find, i really needed this

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
JerseyCowgirl
Member
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

What if they affair down with escorts but during divorce they start dating a nice younger girl as is my case. She knew he was not divorced and we were doing in house S when he started dating this one. What do others here think? Was she wrong dating him at that time and does that also qualify as affair down?


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 394 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: SWFL
Lola88
Member
Member # 41540
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

Bump for Cardnial

Posts: 131 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

JerseyCowgirl: the chick probably thinks your ws has money so she is more attracted to her imagination than to reality. And, who knows what your ws has told her about his marital circumstances. Cheaters lie and needy OW's want to believe the lies so they can justify what they're doing.


BW: 59 XH: 60 Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
"The difficulty lies not so much in developing new ideas as in escaping from old ones." J M Keynes.

Posts: 1132 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
shatteredapart
Member
Member # 41978
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, January 20th (Monday)

Thank you for this. It made my morning better as I'm struggling right now. Something for me to tuck away and remember when I'm having a bad moment.


Me-BS
Him-WS
EA(PA?) 10 months with COW
3 ddays-Sept '13, Oct '13, Dec '13
Attempting Reconciliation...time and actions will tell

Posts: 124 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I keep reminding myself of this.

She is broken, which is why she, MOW, pursued WH to begin with, and WH is broken, which is why he allowed himself to be caught.

I'm trying to fix myself, so I'm not broken anymore. But I am terribly broken hearted right now.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

Posts: 5442 | Registered: Aug 2013
Hurtinalbertan
New Member
Member # 41691
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

I desperately want to send this to the OW. Would that be wrong?

Posts: 8 | Registered: Dec 2013
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 4:16 AM, February 3rd (Monday)

Yes, it would be wrong, I think. Not a day goes by when I don't read something on SI that I think would be of benfit to my WS. Unfortuntely, they won't read it and even if they did it is unlikely to cause a Eureka! moment in their mind.

I have sent other excerpts from the internet to my CSTBXWW and she disregards them and belittles the content. Don't you know that their lurrve is real?!!

[This message edited by allatsea at 4:16 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 781 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, February 10th (Monday)

bump.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5379 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Chickie
New Member
Member # 42390
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Wonderful post.

Thank you for helping reinforce my new perspective that the unprincipled slattern was chosen over me because he needed to boost his self esteem by rescuing someone.


The other chickie (Please accept my sincere apologies, I didn't realise this username was so close to another.)

Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2014
mezmer
Member
Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

This is so true of my situation. So true. I'm thinner, better looking, more accomplished, better in bed. If you saw the two of us side by side you wouldn't believe he'd fuck her. Our friends who know the OW were all like, "well certainly there's nothing sexual there." He had to take pains to explain that there was, as nobody could believe it. Now he's trying, as OP says, to unfuck the donkey. He even can't believe it in hind-sight. The fact is it happened in plain sight and I didn't even accuse him because I simply couldn't believe he'd fuck her. She was, it turns out, in pretty hot pursuit, though. And she caught him at a ridiculously weak moment. Medically speaking, even. He has to take some serious psychoactive shit because of a medical condition. And she was worshipful. I'm his wife. I don't know all of his stuff. She worshiped. He knows he was an idiot.

And yes, women who go after married men are really fucked up. Anyone with any sense, any confidence, won't even consider that. It's sheer desperation. And yes, my husband used all of the classic lines: sexless, loveless marriage to a bitch, and she still couldn't keep him for a week. We've been married 21 yrs. She couldn't keep him for a week. That must feel great.

[This message edited by mezmer at 9:48 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
mezmer
Member
Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Foolishlyclueless,
What you say is very sad. Women who have an ounce of integrity and self respect do not go for married men. Most people understand that it's messed up. She doesn't. That speaks volumes.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
Breezy150
Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

I thought I was crazy because my first thought on d-day was how trashy she is, my thought was if you were going to throw away your family, at least she should be worth it. She is not pretty, and very trashy. Now I understand. Lol. It makes it all make sense.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
NeedsHope
New Member
Member # 42431
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

This makes sense. The exWbf is cheating with a woman who has 3 kids, divorced in 2012(husband filed which is interesting, why did he want to get rid of her?), foreclosure year before and 2 bankruptcies 10 years apart. She has a job but her online job profile has her making a kissy face. Seriously. She thinks he's going to rescue her I guess, because he works hard and saves his money but she's in for a surprise because if nothing else, he is very sensitive to gold diggers. He is done paying CS for his own kids, much less chipping in on some other man's. He will test her and she won't even know it until its too late.

She constantly sends him messages all day and texts and calls to tell him she can't stop thinking about him and misses him and he likes the ego stroke for now, but soon enough that will wear off and he will get sick of it.The thing they initially like about you will be the thing that they hate at the end. She's too desperate its obvious and how you get him is how you have to keep him. I have never had to run behind a man and kiss his behind.


Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Despair
outside4me
Member
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

I can see why this post has 44 pages of replies to it... PURE GOLD, BABY! 3 weeks after DDay, this has done more to restore my self esteem and get my mind on what I want. Brilliant post, truly.

Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
dragonblu
New Member
Member # 42438
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

That is spot on!!

Posts: 7 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Mhiimg65
Member
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

The OW in my case was a broken woman incapable of having a meaningful relationship with anybody. WS was as used as she was. She is a very ugly individual, especially inside. She dumped WH as soon as she found another f**k.
I however, have my pride, morals and self esteem still intact.
Thanks for the reminder, after an emotionally tough day, I can still feel like a winner.


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 149 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
mezmer
Member
Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

A lot of the time these women are just totally desperate for a man. That was the case with the OW in my case. Any man who is gainfully employed is a target.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1328 | Registered: Apr 2009
Merida
Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

this post totally needs to always be permanently plastered like a sticky at the top of the newbie/just found out forum

so true in so many ways I am truly in a better mental place having read this after a hard weekend

(OW showed up at our home sat nite trying to introduce herself to my kids 6,8,10 and talk to my WH who finally had the courage to ignore her for a week)

OMG did he affair down


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."


"The darkest night is dispelled by the humblest of flames."


Posts: 925 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I have been on here for a while. This is the first time I have seen this thread. I am at the point where I really pity the OW. But, if I was a newbie and still totally pissed at the OW...I would send her a copy of what we know the OW to be.

But, don't worry ladies. They know every day what they are. They must be miserable everyday of their lives if they are willing to be easy for a married man.

Not only did our fWH affair down...the OW lives her own self-induced KARMA every time she wakes up and continues to destroy herself. She has no self-esteem. No self-confidence. No self-worth. No moral values. No integrity. It can't get much worse than that. That must be Hell.


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1516 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, February 27th (Thursday)

There are 3 OW that I am aware of with some major flirtations thrown in amongst them. Two were definitely PA, the other (OW3) I am not sure about but my GOD the women was hideous (I wish it was appropriate on SI to post pictures but obviously I can't). OW1 was my dearest friend and next-door neighbor of 15 years, PA had been going on for 5 years. After much counseling and healing it is obvious to me that both ex H and OW1 are sociopaths. OW2 who my ex is now living with (along with her 3 kids) is a very odd looking woman to put it kindly. Hardly someone you would risk your marriage for but who am I to judge anymore .

Last month my eldest son got married and Sir Shagalot brought OW2 to the wedding. I was inundated with people coming up to me, people I had never met, saying "WTF!". She basically looks like a guy with a very pronounced jaw. Even my kids have asked their father what he sees in her. Apparently the answer was "looks aren't everything". Well yes this is true. I guess ugly and sociopathic must be the new trend in couple matching.

Let it be said that I have yet to hear of an AP who isn't a complete train wreck. Even 3 years past D-Day I am still perplexed by this.

EJ


[This message edited by Ellejay at 1:30 AM, February 27th (Thursday)]


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1102 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, March 8th (Saturday)

bump


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

Good Stuff,

Unless your WW, was the OW in the affair....what does that say about a husband's wife, that had an affair with a MM?

I've asked her, "How is it, you held me to one standard, but you let this individual use you, as an object?" How could you say, "I love you to a man that was cheating on his wife? In fact, you knew he had a history of multiple affairs and he even went so far as to laugh at it?" How did you feel knowing you were just one of his mistresses? And this was a man, you gambled with our life and marriage over?


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
mal2006
Member
Member # 42296
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

I have read this so many times in a row I've lost count. Love this.


Me: BW 28
Him: WH 28
DDay: 1/17/14

Posts: 68 | Registered: Feb 2014
4everfaithful83
Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, March 10th (Monday)

BUMP! Love this post!


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 33
WBF: 30
Together 9 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 817 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, March 21st (Friday)

Bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
freeatlast72
Member
Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, March 22nd (Saturday)

I love this! OW is an alcoholic (per her STBXH) and leaves her kids 5 and 3 year old kids unsupervised while she goes picks up WH to take her to her house (we live across the street from one another until her house sells, so he doesn't drive there, bc apparently they are not seeing each other....yeah right!)


BS:42(me)
Kids: DD7
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
DIVORCED!!!

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.


Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
Sadmumma
Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, March 22nd (Saturday)

I saw this quote of FB today (I dont know how to insert a pic into the thread)

"most people mess up something good,
looking for something better only to end up with something worse"

I have to hold onto this tonight tonight. My self esteem is at a bit of a low ATM. OW is about 14 years younger than me, (I think skinnier) and hasnt had 6 babies ...


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
notserene
New Member
Member # 42921
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

I want to bump this thread. I don't have self-esteem issues related to the OW per se, as she is a hot mess and I'm not. However, she is almost 14 years younger than me and that makes me feel depressed at times. Two things helped:

1. I compared pictures of myself at the same age with pictures of her. No problems there.

2. She has a partial plate from falling down and knocking her front teeth out when she was drunk (she is 31).

I won't list all the other things that are wrong with her here, as I feel like it's shooting fish in a barrel.

They're not Ms. Right, they're Ms. Right Now.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2014
butterflygal66
New Member
Member # 42850
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

All I can say is AWESOME and THANK YOU!!!!


Butterflygal66

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2014
TheBestMe
Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)

I turned on the television this morning and the cable defaults to a particular channel. This morning @5:30 AM, one of those television judges, Paternity Court, summed up AP...

"He has a GF/W/SO and you are nothing but the sidepiece willing to do anything so that you can become the GF/W/SO".


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 24 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 508 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

Bump


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 438 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Wytuka
New Member
Member # 43008
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, April 7th (Monday)

I think I'll have to come back and read this again and again. It's killing me comparing myself to her.


Me-BS 38
Him- WH 41
5 kids ages 18,17,16, 8, and 1 (& one little boy in Heaven)
He had a ONS 4/1/14 D-day 4/3/14
Working to R

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2014
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, April 7th (Monday)

A lot of the time these women are just totally desperate for a man.

This was absolutely the case in my situation.

My God, she was actually pitiful the way she'd keep reaching out, desperately trying to contact him each time we'd block yet another avenue she'd used. First we blocked her from being able to text or call him on his cell phone after she kept texting him. Then, we blocked her from his email account after she resorted to email when she couldn't call or text anymore. We then blocked her from Facebook when she started contacting him through THAT source. She then began calling him at work and started skulking in the shadows in places she knew he'd be.

If it weren't so pitifully and feebly pathetic, I'd laugh at her sorrowful fat ass.

Oh, what the hell. I'll laugh anyway.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
krispy47
Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, April 7th (Monday)

This thread is exactly what I needed to read today. I spent the first two weeks trying to figure out what she had that I didn't. The only things I came up with were more free time and a willingness to engage in degrading sex acts. This gives me more perspective.

When she would not stop rubbing my face in the sordid details of thier LTA, I labled her as a malicious bitch. Now I think maybe she is just pathetic and broken, and those letters were her attempt to make herself seem more important than she was. WH dropped her within 24 hrs of being caught, and has not looked back. She thought she was special, and it turns out that she could have been anybody with the right body parts and no self respect.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
4everfaithful83
Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Bump!!


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 33
WBF: 30
Together 9 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 817 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

More often than not, it’s you he’s fighting for; it's you he's sorry for; it’s you he’s trying to be a better man for. Regain your strength. Retake your rightful place.

Betrayal hurts, I know. Boy, do I know. But remember, when they find someone weak enough to have an affair with, they always affair down.

9 months out - going back and forth RE: divorce but THIS is what I needed today.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 15 years
3 awesome and beautiful children
OC discovered on Dday - born in 2005
D-Day Summer 2013

working towards D...I can't pretend anymore

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, April 17th (Thursday)

Bump

Such a good thread


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 781 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

Thanks for this reminder.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

Posts: 5442 | Registered: Aug 2013
Turtles
New Member
Member # 43206
Default  Posted: 2:35 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

Inspired by these words, read it to my husband who had a EA. He even agreed. Thank you

Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
nekonamida
Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)

Bumping the thread for new users.

Posts: 612 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
theroadahead
Member
Member # 43334
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)

So true! Thank you for this.


Me: BW(46)
Him: WH (46)
D-Day #1 March 2002- 1 year EA then 4 month PA with co worker
D-Day #2 March 2012 - EA with different co-worker

It's funny how sometimes the people you'd take a bullet for,are the ones behind the trigger.


Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2014 | From: New England
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)

BUMP - cause sometimes us BS's need to remember this


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 15 years
3 awesome and beautiful children
OC discovered on Dday - born in 2005
D-Day Summer 2013

working towards D...I can't pretend anymore

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
neecee
Member
Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)

What a self esteem boost!!! These words literally made me shout out loud as I was reading them "Thats right! You know it! Preach it!" I'm so glad I read this today, I needed it, today, tomorrow and always!!!!