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User Topic: How much does my BS hurt? ...
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, November 24th (Tuesday)

I was looking and reading (and learning) from the other forums yesterday (a practice that I highly recommend) and ran across this post from Chasingpavements called Things I Wish You Could Understand.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=327243

I thought that it was a very beautiful and eloquent post to illustrate the turmoil; confusion and chaos that is the emotional state of affairs for our BS’s at this time and place. For those WS’s who are further down the road to reconciliation, dealing with these emotions may evoke memories but for a lot of us right now on the Wayward forum, well, we have a lot of newbie’s (me included) and perhaps we’re not clear in our heads about the pain that we have caused. Its one thing to read about this in a book, it’s a whole other thing to read the personal account of someone who is fighting this each and every day.


Dear H,

I wish you could understand how hard it is to be me sometimes. How torn I can feel on a day where everything seems to be wonderful and perfect between us and some random thing comes up and reminds me that the last time I thought things were just "good" between us... you were fucking around. How I can look at the effort you put into finding a way... any way... to be with her and still feel stung by it. This time last year, I was preparing myself to get a divorce.

I wish you could understand how I can't just sweep that thought away. How, no matter how much I wish I could, I can't help remembering how you came home... how you went through withdrawals and seemed like your world was ending and how guilty I felt for not just letting you go.
I wish you could understand how angry I can get with myself for "fighting" for our M. How these days I wonder if something you have to "fight for" is really worth it... especially when it comes to love... how I question if I should feel comfortable with a relationship that I had to do battle to keep, when love is something that should be freely given.

I wish you could understand when I question how you REALLY feel about me... I'm sorta questioning how I really feel about YOU. Trying to understand what love is, what it means, what it asks for of me... and if I have it in me to give to you that much anymore.

These thoughts aren't personally against you... if we broke up, I would have these thoughts anyway. They are the legacy of your A in me... the question that will always be there, that will always make me wonder if any relationship is worth it...

I wish you could see that all my questioning is really wishing for you to reassure me... that I'm past being able to ask for reassurance anymore because it just feeds the big "you can't really love ME" cycle that begins with... if I have to ask you to reassure me...

I wish you understood that every day I wake up and say, ok, I’m going to stay married today... and every day I wonder if I'm an idiot for choosing to stay.

You're right, you have nothing to hide... you are hiding nothing... and I appreciate that and figure it must be a good feeling for you.

It doesn't take away this deep insecurity though. I know this is the part I have to own, the place where I have to just say "yes" and take the leap into believing that what exists in our day to day relationship is trustworthy... that it's worth believing in... That’s just so damn hard though.

I wish you could understand that.

And I really wish you could see that if I knew a way out of this hell I find myself in some times, I'd take it. (I really wish that you could see) that when I think about leaving you, it's because I am so tired of the hell... not because I don't love you or because I don't appreciate our family. It's not because you are being cold or bad to me... it's because sometimes YOU are my biggest trigger. Just seeing you, just caring about you, just wanting to be loved by YOU... triggers me. And there are days I would run far and wide to get away from those feelings of fear and of not knowing...

I'm trying to come to peace with knowing for sure that there is NO SAFETY. There will never again really be any safety because I know the concept is false... and it's so damn hard to accept that.

Every day I stay, I'm saying to the universe that I can live with the uncertainty.
Some days, I don't know if I can.

-End-


I want to say THANK YOU to Chasingpavements for letting me post her letter here. I know that reading this today has given me a better understanding as to why she’s the way she is on some days, and different on other days. I hope that it helps other WS’s too.

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 6:43 AM, November 24th (Tuesday)]


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
strongandwomanly
Member
Member # 26046
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, November 24th (Tuesday)

My WS was deeply affected by this letter. I'm glad you reposted it.


BS - me - 39 WS - 44. (Not So Happy)
OW - my former bf my whole life - 54
A was n '99 - dday was n sept '09
4 kids - DS 17 DDs 15 12 & 10
3 dogs/1 cat/2 ferrets and a heartache. Married 18 years..together 25. I want to believe n R.

Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Texas
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, November 24th (Tuesday)

Thank you for reposting this. I just sent to my husband, thinking it might move him as it did Nancy's husband.

Seems he knows it all already - but then I did make the mistake of sending it to him when his mind was on work. Will I never learn the lessons I thought I had?


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5131 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, November 24th (Tuesday)

I received a very nice PM from a BS who wanted to share these words with me. While they asked to remain anonymous, they did agree to add their words to the thread to support the education of the WS’s on the need to truly understand the inner turmoil that our BS’s experience in the days and months after D-Day. The BS commented that, It is very heartwarming as a BS to see this (thread) posted here.


To my SO.
I think I can understand how hard it must be for a WS to see how much they have hurt their BS, to truly understand this.

I can understand why some WSs apparently work so hard at not seeing this. It must really hurt when finally the realization of how much you have hurt someone else you once cared about really hits home, even if you no longer love them now and how much more it must hurt if you do.
Some BSs have commented that discovering the infidelity of their partner hurt more than rape, and these were people who had endured both.

It hurts because it is someone you trusted and who claimed at the time to be on the team!

I was hurt more than I can express when the woman I loved drove carelessly head-on into everything I cared about ran over our marriage, our sons and family and repeatedly drove over my body and heart by repeated broken NC, lies, false R etc.

It was not only the realization of broken promises and trust, but the fact that the person you felt was your best friend, a champion of the relationship and family unit was actually its enemy and apparently working hard from within to destroy it.

As a BS it takes so much love to decide to give the WS another chance, and it hurts so much more each time that trust is abused.

It is not only the D-day itself that hurts. What has hurt me more is my WS's actions after the discovery of her affairs, her apathy, her continued dishonesty, the drip truth, the deception and manipulation and the repeated breaking of trust.

I am now exhausted by that breaking of trust to the point where I no longer choose to put myself through the pain of believing in her any more. This in itself hurts. I feel that I have now lost one of the most precious and pure things I have ever had, my love for my wife. I feel sad that I have not been strong enough to hold onto it, that I have not been able to hold on long enough to be there for her if and when she returns to the good person she once was.

The behavior of the WS after D-day can in my opinion do as much or possibly more damage as the affair itself because it is done knowingly after the BS has put themselves through so much pain to give their loved WSs another chance.

Your affair hurts us as if you had hit us with a bus and hurts more because we know you saw us and didn't stop. Carrying the affair on, lack of remorse are like reversing and hitting us again and dragging us under because you just don't care enough to stop.

It hurts and it hurts bad because we both know that you are doing it, you can hear us screaming and even then you didn't stop.

What do we want and need to heal from this hurt?

We need you to stop, to care, to help us heal.

We need you to be honest with us and yourself and stop the pain.

We need you to accept responsibility for what you have done.

We need you to feel our pain and care enough to help us.

We need you to feel and show real remorse for what you have done. How can we truly forgive you (something we need to do for ourselves) if you really aren't sorry.

We need a reversal from you.
We need you to re-commit to something you signed out of some time ago, to care again for something you couldn't care less about.

We need to ask you to have the courage to see and understand what you have done, to accept the burden of your own real pain and just for a while or as long as it takes, to put that aside and help us deal with ours.

We need to be what you truly want, not just a fall back option. If we can't have that we need you to be honest enough to tell us and let us go.

After all, for so long we have had to do that for you. We held you and believed in the best in you when you couldn't and when apparently you could see no good in us.
We were there for you to come back home to, we were your safety zone, we were loving and dedicated enough to give you the chances and the trust you did not truly deserve.

All we really ask is that you have the courage and decency to be the best person you can be, accept the gift of our trust, and return to us what we do truly deserve - your honesty, empathy, responsibility and remorse.

This is what we need to heal and to stop the pain.
-end-


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
figureitout
Member
Member # 23997
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, November 24th (Tuesday)

Hufi

Thank you for posting both of these for the WS to read and think over....

The words sometimes say what our BS can not express but feel deeply none the less.


M-35+ yr
Dday 8/09

Posts: 309 | Registered: May 2009
Sentry
New Member
Member # 23367
Sad  Posted: 12:05 PM, December 1st (Tuesday)

Lost

I cry a million tears to try to douse the burn, but I just drown in sorrow.

I scream at the top of my lungs to fill the emptiness but they just fade into the hollow.

I plead that this be a horrible dream but my nightmare is unyielding

I muster the courage to rebuild my shattered soul, but the pieces are never ending.

I try to see clearly but my eyes are burned from staring at the pain.

The thirst for peace is overwhelming even as the love of others pours down on me like rain.

I want to seek revenge, but somehow I know all my misery would still be mine alone.

A betrayal of my most loved one, decomposes my soul - I'm just flesh and bone.

I plead with my captor: broken trust, asking her to free me from my prison cell.

She mocks me in my solitary confinement as I rot in my personal hell.

Like an abandoned child I cower in the corner in shear terror, waiting for love to find me.

If her love doesn't ever come to my rescue, am I destined to wander lost for eternity?


Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2009
mourningtheloss
Member
Member # 24917
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, December 1st (Tuesday)

HUFI- I don't know who PM'd you this but this is EXACTLY how I feel and what I am struggling with currently:

The behavior of the WS after D-day can in my opinion do as much or possibly more damage as the affair itself because it is done knowingly after the BS has put themselves through so much pain to give their loved WSs another chance.

Your affair hurts us as if you had hit us with a bus and hurts more because we know you saw us and didn't stop. Carrying the affair on, lack of remorse are like reversing and hitting us again and dragging us under because you just don't care enough to stop.

I am going to my 1st IC session tonight to deal with my inability to deal with this piece of the puzzle and my inability to stop obsessing about it.

My WH behavior post D-Day was absolutely the most devastating aspect of the affair and may be the one thing I will never forgive him for.

Can R truly be achieved if forgiveness is not granted? I hope so because I just don't see myself ever forgiving him for backing that bus over me for months after his affair.

Only since end of September has he finally shown remorse and his behavior NOW is almost perfect but it is somehow still not enough and I think it is because all the months of damage...it has taken it's toll and it may be irreversible. I hope not, but it might be.


BS: Me, 52
WS: Him 51 - 7mo EA/ 2mo PA
27 years Married
DS 24, DD 15
DD#1: 04/28/09 Found email from OW and demanded NC and was promised
DD#2 05/15/09 - False R, C never stopped
"Lose a Cheater, Gain a LIFE"

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ca
selkiescot
Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, December 1st (Tuesday)

Made me cry! itwas profound and I will send it to my WH and possibly the OW!

[This message edited by drowninginsorrow at 8:26 AM, December 7th (Monday)]


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1404 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
wiserinsocal
Member
Member # 18487
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, December 1st (Tuesday)

HUFI,

Thank you for the post. As a BH I can say it hits home for many (if not all) BS out there.

If I may, I would like to add one more line to the list sent to you from the BS who shared the list of needs with you.

"We need you to put us and our M first in your life"

While the list clearly implies this, sometimes it needs to be said aloud, so that there can be no mistake about it.

Just my 2 cents.

Thank you again and peace to you,
Wiser


"It's the intangibles that are fragile"- WiserinSoCal

"The Main things are the plain things, and the Plain things are the main things" - Alistair Begg

Every one needs to believe in something, or they will fall for anything...


Posts: 1802 | Registered: Mar 2008
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, December 1st (Tuesday)

To answer your thread title question...
There is, unfortunately, no limit to the pain my BH is enduring.
We have good days and bad days; it is a daily struggle to find inner peace, but, with God's grace and our determination to hold on tighter we will make it through this life-changing catastrophe!


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2855 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Staying afloat?
Member
Member # 25613
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, December 2nd (Wednesday)

The pain is undescribable. It is the deepest most painful feeling. Like acid on an open wound. But love and support thru that pain helps lessen it gradually little by little. You may not feel or see the effects of how you are helping, but it does and just like a deep wound, first the continuing damage slows to a stop and then the healing starts. The wound seems to take forever to heal till all of a sudden its almost healed. It will leave a scar, but the wound will heal. A bump or blow to the healed wound may hurt for a while, but that in time will lessen. The important word; time.So hang in there, keep being supportive.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Southwest
why2008
Member
Member # 18378
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, December 7th (Monday)

Great letter, thanks for posting it.


Me - BS - 46
Him - WS - 44
Two daughters / 10 and 7

Posts: 4074 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Maryland / DC
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, January 21st (Thursday)

This was a great post to help us WS's understand the pain that our BS's are experiencing in the aftermath of our affairs.

I use it to remind myself of how much pain my wife feels when she cries at night.


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
dismantled
Member
Member # 26887
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, January 22nd (Friday)

Hufi, thank you so much for posting this. It was all my thoughts and feelings layed out on the screen. I hope my WH comes across this next time he's on here.


Me-BW
Dday: 1-24-08, Two years of false R and Dday after Dday after Dday after Dday ever since...

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
-- Agnes Repplier


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2009
Used Again
Member
Member # 16567
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, January 24th (Sunday)

Thanks for posting this; I keep learning from things you post here. Wish my wife would search for information about healing. I'm sharing this with her.


My wife has friends in low places.

Posts: 325 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Coastal Georgia
myone and only
Member
Member # 26450
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, January 24th (Sunday)

One of the best posts I've read here on SI. You've posted the words we all seem to feel but didn't know how to say. I'll be sure to show my WS. Thank You.


me BS 51
her WS 45
status: R
"Just You And I"
dday 11-28-09

Posts: 67 | Registered: Dec 2009
crazyforever
Member
Member # 9379
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, January 24th (Sunday)

BW here. I've been a member here for a long time, unfortunately. Never before have I cried at a post until today. I'm over 5 years out from the first d-day, and one day shy of one year from the second d-day and can honestly say that these letters are how I still feel. Every day is a struggle. Every. Single. Day.


me 39
WH 39
married 13 years, together 19
DS 5
DS 2
they are the light of my life
DD #1 November 6, 2005
DD #2 January 26, 2009
DD#3 March 10, 2009
Reconciling? Divorce? It changes every minute. . .

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From:
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, January 24th (Sunday)

It feels like I have struggled for so long to put into words how I have been feeling this whole time and here it is.

Thank you so much for re-posting this I am so glad I found it and think my WH will feel the same way.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
shatteredwindow
Member
Member # 27051
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, January 25th (Monday)

Both of those letters say what I feel. Thanks for posting.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2010
wolfxsol
Member
Member # 26295
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, January 25th (Monday)

I dont know how they managed to put those feelings into words. I never could. I didnt even realize why I act the way I do sometimes. Missing her so much, then when I am with her, so distant. The first one is a good general overall, while the second one I think covers the post-Dday sitch good. Every day is a struggle, but it is getting better. I wish someone would do a WS letter, so I could understand that side better. If there is one, please PM me the link!


BS...staying that way.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Tulsa
satcom66
Member
Member # 27293
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, January 25th (Monday)

Well, speaking as only myself as a BS, there is nothing in my life that has hurt anywhere near this much and that includes my mother dying unexpectedly.

The thing I figured out is that death is terrible but it's a discrete event and then it's over. You can grieve and miss the person but they are gone so you tend to heal.

With an affair, it's like the WS died; the person you knew isn't there anymore. But their body is there, and it keeps moving around, and it keeps talking to you. It's naked in the shower and it feeds your kids breakfast. It's like death over and over and over.


Big Damn Hero

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Santa Cruz
feelsempty
Member
Member # 25913
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, January 26th (Tuesday)

Three weeks ago, I went to the emergency room with what seemed to be apendicitis. after about 6 hours of waiting, the surgeon told me he thought it was appendicitis also, and after a quick 45 minute surgery, I would be fine. 4 hours later, I woke up in the most pain I have ever been in. For two days, I was getting 8 mgs of morphine an hour and still in unbelievable pain. It turns out they had to remove 18" of my large intestine and my appendix was fine. After seven days in the hospital, they let me go home. For another week, I ate nothing but yogurt and jello. Now, three weeks later, I am able to get through the day without taking 6-10 vicoden and walk for more than five minutes at a time.
I was laying on the couch watching tv with my wife the other night, and got really overwhelmed by all the emotions that have been surging through me lately.

As the tears rolled down my cheeks,my wife asked what was wrong. I told her that I would rather go through that surgery once a month for the rest of my life than feel the pain of her infidelity.

That's how much this BS Hurts..


BH Me
lost wife her
her 4 Month PA worth years of pain for us?
DDAY 8/16/09
I want you to forsake everything else in the world for me the way you did for him...

Posts: 76 | Registered: Oct 2009
jsngold
Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, March 8th (Monday)

Thank you for posting this!


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
inabadway
Member
Member # 27636
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, March 9th (Tuesday)

[This message edited by inabadway at 4:34 PM, March 9th (Tuesday)]


Me - 37
WS - 39
2 kids
D-Day 2/7/10
He wants to work it out (of course he does)...but do I?

Posts: 246 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: The Middle
Flatlined
Member
Member # 27637
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)

Thank you Hufi... I sent this to my FWH. He just called me after reading it and he was in tears.

Satcom66 you have spoken well. Almost 4 years ago I found our 14 year old son strangled to death in his closet. The pain of his death is rivaled only by --- maybe even surpassed-- the pain of my H's infidelities. Infidelity is such a horrific thing.


Me BW
Him FWH [Dr.NewMan]
Married 23 y/4 children In R
DDay #1 7/20/09 DDay #2 7/28/09 (2 As,both with *PSEUDO*friends)

Had him first. Have him last. Just wish I could have had him ONLY.


Posts: 509 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: South
FallenTimber
New Member
Member # 27615
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)

Thank you, Hufi,
I know from the pain I now feel myself how great the pain my BS has suffered because of me. I can not imagine how the writers of these two letters could find the words or the ability to share such deep personal and painful feelings.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Southern USA
longrodten
New Member
Member # 27899
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)

Well, speaking as only myself as a BS, there is nothing in my life that has hurt anywhere near this much and that includes my mother dying unexpectedly.
The thing I figured out is that death is terrible but it's a discrete event and then it's over. You can grieve and miss the person but they are gone so you tend to heal.

With an affair, it's like the WS died; the person you knew isn't there anymore. But their body is there, and it keeps moving around, and it keeps talking to you. It's naked in the shower and it feeds your kids breakfast. It's like death over and over and over.

The interaction with the OM has modified your wifes mentality.



Posts: 26 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: TX
Lost68
Member
Member # 27515
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)

This post should be fed with every letter/post/vent well written from hurting BSs in SI.
I've read other posts like this on SI, in JFO, General, Reconciliation, Divorce… but I did not saved the link. Thanks HU-FI.
wolfxsol I wish someone would do a WS letter, so I could understand that side better.
I wish I’d be that guy, but I cant. Anyway I’ll never forget.

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Sevilla
dying in remorse
New Member
Member # 27518
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)

I needed to read this today to remind myself of his pain. Lately I've been seeing so much more of his anger and it has been making me feel weak. I needed to read this to remember that the anger is because of the pain that "I" have brought down on him


FWW 30 (ME)
BH 34 (My Love)
Married 7 years
Together 9 1/2 years
D-day 2-1-10
Children
2 boys - ages 12 & 7
1 girl - age 5

Our abusers may have thought they broke us, beat us, dominated and manipulated us, but they strengthened us.


Posts: 47 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Iowa
Flatlined
Member
Member # 27637
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)

When I sense my FWH cringing under the pressure of my anger/hurt/pain I gently remind him that he booked us on this cruise... When the waters get choppy, I don't need him to pull the covers over his head. I need him to help me thru.

[This message edited by Flatlined at 12:44 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)]


Me BW
Him FWH [Dr.NewMan]
Married 23 y/4 children In R
DDay #1 7/20/09 DDay #2 7/28/09 (2 As,both with *PSEUDO*friends)

Had him first. Have him last. Just wish I could have had him ONLY.


Posts: 509 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: South
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)

I posted this to a thread in General. But think may be the same words work here to.

I believe many BS try (in vain) to express what the pain is for a couple of reasons.

We want to some how express the magnitude of what we feel to our WS in hopes of our WS finding some empathy. This rarely works. The WS either sees the pain in the eyes of they BS and knows it. Or they do not. Some. May be most. WS lack the ability to feel empathy. And perhaps from that void in they self came the willingness to choose to have the A. I believe the WS that post here are the exception to the rule. Sadly.

We also want to express our pain as a way to counter the popular image in the media that it is really not all that bad and that it is some how our fault any way. How many times have we seen the media make light of infidelity with jokes. *O - O.. WS is in TROUBLE NOW.... (he he he)* As if the WS was caught stealing cookies. No where in the media is the pain of the BS portrayed in a meaningful and realistic way. Sadly those of us who suffer for years and years are seen as some how lacking in the ability to *put it in the past* and *move beyond it*. The psychological damage is profound and very long lasting. The BS is altered by it beyond the imaginings of most. None of this is ever spoken of in the media. And when we suffer we are blamed for our own suffering.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)


..there is simply no pain like this pain..

unless....it's x2..

for 40 years..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
healingwife
Member
Member # 23912
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, March 11th (Thursday)

I was talking to my FWH about this yesterday.

There are words in every language that carry some sort of universally-shared experience -- happiness, pain, depression, fear, etc. When using them in conversation with someone else, the other person can most likely immediately relate. If I talk about how much it hurt when I had surgery, even though the other person may not have had surgery before, and even though they may not have experienced the kind of pain post-op, they understand. And it helps the conversation flow, because you know they know what you mean.

There is not a word that describes the emotional, physical, burning pain that comes from betrayal. Even though I just used all of those qualifiers, I didn't get it right. I can say this exact sentence to my FWH:

The pain is like I have swallowed a hot, burning softball that is just sitting there -- and the pressure makes my heart pound in my chest like I swear it's going to jump out of my body and spring across the room -- and the pressure moves from my chest to my head, making my vision blur -- and I ultimately feel like vomiting.

Yea, pretty descriptive. All those words. And they mean absolutely nothing, because they don't accurately describe what it happening.

UNLESS...

I am talking to a fellow BS.

That's why this site is so important. It is the only place where we can say the word "pain," and 100s of other people know exactly what we mean...without all of the analogies and the adjectives.

There isn't a word in any language that defines this kind of pain. All of the existing words fall so, so short of what is truly happening inside.


BS - me
FWH - him
married 20 years
Lovingly in R
EA/PA from April-August 2008
Discovered EA - 8/28/08
Discovered PA - 4/17/09 (admitted on his own)

Posts: 482 | Registered: May 2009
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, May 18th (Tuesday)

I posted this on Nov. 24th 2009 which means that LoveFantasy and I have spend 6 months into the journey of Reconciliation from the time of that posting.

As some of you know, I work overseas and since the affair, we have taken to Skyping with each other on a daily basis if possible so we get some long distance face to face time in our R. It has not been easy and it has not been a smooth ride but it’s slowly moving forward, some days ahead, and regretfully some days backwards it seems.

Our D-day is coming up and today, it all came crashing in again. The pain. The hurt. The anger. The disappointment. The anguish of finding your world shattered.

Those are not my words. Those were my wife’s words to me this morning as we Skyped.

One year into the healing process, one year of NC, one year of digging deep and trying to cope and it all fell apart in one hour this morning.

Every fear that she has. Every raw emotion that she had from the past came back again. And all I can do is shake my head in mute agreement and try to reassure her that I will not fail again. I tried to tell her that I am not the same idiot as before. That I have grown. That I can help her grow strong once again. That I will never break her heart.

I tried to be full of “reassuring honesty’ and I tried very hard to not use the word “but” in any of my statements. I really did. But I think I failed.

I think today, my wife is feeling every fear, every hurt, everything as strong as or stronger than she did when she found out that I was having an affair.

And so, today, I’m going to read this and remind myself of what she feels and how deeply I have hurt her and commit myself to making things right again.

HUFI

LoveFantasy – I hope I was successful at reassuring you that I will never break your heart again and that you are the sole and only focus in my life. If I didn’t accomplish that, then I promise to work harder at showing you my commitment to you and our marriage. I love you.


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
GeauxTigers
Member
Member # 28301
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, May 19th (Wednesday)

Solid bump, HUFI. I hadn't seen this one.
Your affair hurts us as if you had hit us with a bus and hurts more because we know you saw us and didn't stop. Carrying the affair on, lack of remorse are like reversing and hitting us again and dragging us under because you just don't care enough to stop.

It hurts and it hurts bad because we both know that you are doing it, you can hear us screaming and even then you didn't stop.


This, and the list of "what we need" really hit home, especially this one:
We need to be what you truly want, not just a fall back option


Sigh... how did I end up here?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Nashville
Missing Person
New Member
Member # 28305
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, May 19th (Wednesday)

As GeauxTigers quoted HUFI, this really hits the nail on the head:
Your affair hurts us as if you had hit us with a bus and hurts more because we know you saw us and didn't stop. Carrying the affair on, lack of remorse are like reversing and hitting us again and dragging us under because you just don't care enough to stop.

It hurts and it hurts bad because we both know that you are doing it, you can hear us screaming and even then you didn't stop.

edited typo

[This message edited by Missing Person at 1:06 PM, May 19th (Wednesday)]


Me: WW/BW (42)
Married 19 years

"There is no greater power on earth greater than right action in the present moment." ~ Vasistha



Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Nashville
gaslit
Member
Member # 27846
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, May 20th (Thursday)

100X thank you. My WH keeps saying "i understand" and "i know you are hurting." He doesn't know or understand. This is one of the reasons why I visit SI daily. I need someone to know/understand. These letter's could have come from MY heart. Thanks for sharing.

PS I think I will write my own letter for my journal.

[This message edited by gaslit at 5:30 PM, May 20th (Thursday)]


BS (me) 34, WH 34
2 beautiful kids 13,12
DDay January 8, 2010
3 FR
moving forward... s l o w l y

Posts: 73 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Indiana
twicedestroyed
Member
Member # 28197
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, May 20th (Thursday)

just another thank you for posting these amazingly accurate words (and for all those who replied with more insight) It really helped me over the hump of needing a good cry...now that it's out, I think I might be able to sleep some tonight.
Thank you all for being on this site and a helpful member of this awful journey i am on...


Me-BS 35
Him-(F)WS 38
DDay 5/09 with TT all month after 7 years of marriage
3 month EA/PA with MOW (co-worker) while I was pregnant and during/after her birth/death
Living children, 4...currently 17 (mine/his step daughter), 8, 6, 3 (product of HB)

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: East Coast
Bobbie
Member
Member # 15351
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, May 21st (Friday)

As a BS, there is nothing in my life that has hurt as this has hurt and I that includes loosing a child. I grieved my son's death and I thought i would never survive that, but I did survive.... My H's affairs devastated me in such a way that I couldn't survive unless I made it go away... Make it not happened... make it go away in my mind... the only way I could survive was by living in denial. I suppressed it so deep inside myself and pretended it really didn't happen for years .. The consequences of brushing it under the rug was far more damaging than death... because the naive girl he married died... she was no more!

There really are no words to describe pain like this pain without talking about dying! It's a slow torturous death. It hurts so bad because you know he made the choice to kill a part of you... it was no accidental death, it was an intentional death.... then he continues to torture over and over by trickle truth all the while seeing your pain... The H I knew died, he is gone... but I can still see him.

'Rasor' has put the words in order where I couldn't find the words to describe what I feel:

"We want to some how express the magnitude of what we feel to our WS in hopes of our WS finding some empathy. This rarely works. The WS either sees the pain in the eyes of they BS and knows it. Or they do not. Some. May be most. WS lack the ability to feel empathy. And perhaps from that void in they self came the willingness to choose to have the A. I believe the WS that post here are the exception to the rule. Sadly."

I really think very few WS's get the magnitude of what they have done to even come close to knowing what their BS feels... even when they have R'd... very few.


[This message edited by Bobbie at 4:29 PM, May 21st (Friday)]


Waited 30 years to deal with the pain!

Posts: 419 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Indiana
lostcause111
Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 21st (Friday)

Bobbie is so on point.

And why I believe in IC. My WW issues pre date me or the M. Her empathy compass is broken and it is not something we can fix. It is up to her and part of her core.

And that is the main reason why IMHO most people whether they D or stay together do not do R well. It takes a brave person to confront themselves make themsleves better and than really see what it did to their BS.

My WW is not strong enough for the journey.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, May 22nd (Saturday)

Hufi,

This was so thoughtful and wise of you to share this.
chasingpavements minutely described the pain of infidelity to a BS.
It is so much pain that words can barely describe it.Chasingpavements did so very well.

On Mother's Day we were at my sister's house for a family get together to honor our Mother.
There was a discussion that came up about infidelity and my wife says that even though she does not feel the sting of it anymore, it is always in the back of her head. This is almost 9 years later. I describe the pain of infidelity as a devastating blow to the soul that leaves the soul permanently handicapped. It may heal, but the scar will always be there.

It was hard for me to hear my wife say that, but I accept it nonetheless and do my best to let her know I will never go that route again.

Thank you Hufi and chasingpavements...we all needed to see this.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
shakenworld
Member
Member # 24404
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, May 22nd (Saturday)

FWW read this and started sobbing. She said "you shouldn't have to deal with this." I do have to, because she's my best friend; we're best friends


BH - me - 28
FWW - 24

Now I'm all yours. I'm not afraid. And you're all mine, say what they may.



Posts: 260 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Washington
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, July 3rd (Saturday)

bump


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, July 6th (Tuesday)

bump for newbies


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 18th (Sunday)

Bump for new members.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, August 1st (Sunday)

Bump for newbies


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
givemepeace
New Member
Member # 28547
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, August 2nd (Monday)

It doesn't hurt like hell it IS hell. I was sexually abused as a child and I would take that over again any day versus the way WS's actions hurt me. Because it takes everything you think you know and believe in and makes it mean nothing, and because it creeps up into your every day life and steals away the happiness of what should be some really wonderful moments.


I'll never leave you, but I'll always be holding back. I might forgive you, but I'll never forget.
Him - WH / 30 / ONS with 3 of my friends, ONS with paid escort 3 days before my wedding / suspected but not confirmed A of several months

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2010 | From: The Northeast USA
feelsempty
Member
Member # 25913
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, August 2nd (Monday)

it creeps up into your every day life and steals away the happiness of what should be some really wonderful moments.

So painfully true


BH Me
lost wife her
her 4 Month PA worth years of pain for us?
DDAY 8/16/09
I want you to forsake everything else in the world for me the way you did for him...

Posts: 76 | Registered: Oct 2009
What Do I Do Now
New Member
Member # 27891
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, August 15th (Sunday)

Wow.. this is a great letter. I am a BS and this verbalizes exactly the way I feel. Thank you so much for posting this.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2010
Trying2Survive2
Member
Member # 25758
Default  Posted: 4:15 AM, August 16th (Monday)

That's why this site is so important. It is the only place where we can say the word "pain," and 100s of other people know exactly what we mean...without all of the analogies and the adjectives.

There isn't a word in any language that defines this kind of pain. All of the existing words fall so, so short of what is truly happening inside


I SO agree with this statement. I thank God every day that I have you all, here on SI to share my pain, anger, sorrow, and progress. My sincere thanks and gratitude to each and every one of you for sharing. The song "Lean on Me" in the true sense comes to mind.
Hugs...


Faithful Wife ME 52
FWH 47
DDAY #1 1/11/09 EA Online ONLY (NC)
DDAY #2 6/2010 Admitted PA with the same PIG(12/08)
"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness"

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: USA
prayformiracle
Member
Member # 22845
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, August 16th (Monday)

Trying, i agree 1,000 percent. There are no words in any dictionary that can describe what we have inflicted on our spouses.

We could be there for them every minute of every day and nothing will make this pain disappear.

I for one am sorry for how I treated my wife and children, and for who I was, never again.


Iwantamiracle, you are my everything, I will love you always and forever. Life without your smile, your love is empty and sad.
I will not stop working on me on us, I will not stop caring, will not stop loving you, ever. Faithfuly and commited.

Posts: 412 | Registered: Feb 2009
allhopeisgone
New Member
Member # 29343
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, August 17th (Tuesday)

How much does my BS hurt? ...

Six years later and my BS still hurts. "Once a cheater always a cheater" is NOT true in my case. I've been completely faithful and loving to my BS since I cheated on him 6 years ago. We've had 2 beautiful children since then, and to this day, he still hurts. We're on the verge of D right now cuz he still doesn't trust me....


Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2010
crushedhim
New Member
Member # 29099
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, August 17th (Tuesday)

WS here. Thanks for putting this in writting. I hate that my BH has to deal with such paing and hurt from me (the one person he thought was once his gift from God).

Wishing for a miracle and chance to R. I will continue to read this over and over to remind me when I am hurting, so I rememeber how deeply my BH is hurting more.


WS
BS-crushedjsj

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2010
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, September 3rd (Friday)

Bump


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Blindbat
Member
Member # 29495
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, September 4th (Saturday)

HUFI- I don't know who PM'd you this but this is EXACTLY how I feel and what I am struggling with currently:

"The behavior of the WS after D-day can in my opinion do as much or possibly more damage as the affair itself because it is done knowingly after the BS has put themselves through so much pain to give their loved WSs another chance.

Your affair hurts us as if you had hit us with a bus and hurts more because we know you saw us and didn't stop. Carrying the affair on, lack of remorse are like reversing and hitting us again and dragging us under because you just don't care enough to stop."

I am going to my 1st IC session tonight to deal with my inability to deal with this piece of the puzzle and my inability to stop obsessing about it.

My WH behavior post D-Day was absolutely the most devastating aspect of the affair and may be the one thing I will never forgive him for.

+1. I've told him I'd rather have gallstones again than this pain (and he watched me rolling on the floor in agony with those). I've told him it's worse than my father's death. I've told him I don't know how anyone can feel this much pain and still live. I've told him he has it in his power to mitigate the pain and to make things as easy for me as they can be. Will he? Remains to be seen :(

[This message edited by Blindbat at 2:31 AM, September 4th (Saturday)]


Noli illegitimi carborundum
Not yet as divorced as I'd like to be :-(

Posts: 713 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: The Land of Chocolate
Blindbat
Member
Member # 29495
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, September 4th (Saturday)

Because it takes everything you think you know and believe in and makes it mean nothing, and because it creeps up into your every day life and steals away the happiness of what should be some really wonderful moments.

And this. It also totally tarnishes good memories because you're always thinking, ah but while I was doing this, he was shagging someone else. I have to take my mother to the eye doctor on Wednesday and (he knows) it's going to be a huge trigger because on the day of last appointment when I lost half a day of work to it, he was taking his bint out for a day of sun, companionship and presumably sex. I still don't know whether he took he into our place in the mountains - he swears he didn't but I don't know if I can believe a word he says at the moment


Noli illegitimi carborundum
Not yet as divorced as I'd like to be :-(

Posts: 713 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: The Land of Chocolate
forever.haunted
Member
Member # 28645
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 5th (Sunday)

I thought my fwh was a gift from God and that our relationship was special, even though we had problems.

I trusted him 100% and never dreamed he would betray me, especially for so long.

I look back at our vacation and holiday pictures from his A days and can't believe he was living a second life.


His A has forever changed my view of humanity. I don't think I will ever trust a human being again. I will never forget and there will never be a day go by that I don't visualize him having sex with her.

Being betrayed by the one person you think you can trust and is your best friend is painful beyond words. I can't imagine that I will fully heal from this and trust him completely.

However, all this pain has made us take a honest look at our lives and how we want to be better people and are dedicated to loving each other and having a good M. I regret that it took him having an A for the positive changes in our M to come about. It's a double-edged sword, that will always sting and cause sadness.


You let it go when you are ready.. when you have processed it enough.. you let it go when you are sick of trying to figure it out. You let it go when you want your life back

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2010
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, September 30th (Thursday)

As my BS was awake at 4:30 this morning, unable to sleep with various thoughts in her head, I thought of this thread. She used to sleep like the proverbial baby in my arms but now, she is restless and troubled in her dreams and therefore, she wakes up and broods. Another sign of the pain that I have created. Another thing to apologize for.

HUFI


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, October 28th (Thursday)

I decided to bump this one too as a selfish plug for a topic that we as WS's should never forget about. Even while they suffer in sorrow and pain over our infidelity, they love us enough to give us a chance for redemption.

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 7:48 PM, November 25th (Thursday)]


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
WhatHaveIDone??
Member
Member # 30054
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, November 25th (Thursday)

HUFI - I deecided to bump this one too as a selfish plug for a topic that we as WS's should never forget about. Even while they suffer in sorrow and pain over our infidelity, they love us enough to give us a chance for redemption.

I should be reading this just about every day, as I have NOT done a good job at all helping my BS.....BUMP.


Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2010
GeauxTigers
Member
Member # 28301
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, November 25th (Thursday)

I decided to bump this one too

Bump away, HUFI, this thread contains 25% of my WW's total posts on this board!

Sigh, I wish she would stop by more often...


Sigh... how did I end up here?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Nashville
Lost68
Member
Member # 27515
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, January 2nd (Sunday)

Bump

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Sevilla
stilllovingher
Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday)

Bump for SLHIM to read.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2407 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, March 10th (Thursday)

It was time to bump this back to the front where it might be read again and the wisdom in it shared once more. BUMP!


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, April 22nd (Friday)

Front of the bus! SLHer, thanks for the reminder.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
Trying2Survive2
Member
Member # 25758
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, April 22nd (Friday)

There isn't a word in any language that defines this kind of pain. All of the existing words fall so, so short of what is truly happening inside

Ugg..so true..interesting that i posted on this thread way back in Aug..and still feel the same.


Faithful Wife ME 52
FWH 47
DDAY #1 1/11/09 EA Online ONLY (NC)
DDAY #2 6/2010 Admitted PA with the same PIG(12/08)
"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness"

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: USA
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)

Bumped for Keepondoingit


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)

Bumped for Keepondoingit


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, May 2nd (Monday)

Bumped for Confused2Be.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
nvr flt sch pain
Member
Member # 31540
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, May 2nd (Monday)

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just to real
There's just so much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
You still have, all of me
I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just to real
There's just too much thjat time cannot erase.....

My immortal - Evanescence

This sums up how I feel.

Incidentally, my ring tone for my WH at the moment is Shot through the heart (Bon Jovi) because honestly I do feel a physical pain on my worst days and I do feel my view of love is forever tainted so he truly has given it a bad name.

Those letters posted could have been written by me and any other BS. There are just no words that can express the level of hurt any kind of A causes (on both sides in a lot of cases). 10 months out I still feel as raw as I did on DD. I sometimes wish the ground would just open up and swallow me as some days it is just too much for me to cope with and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I am not suicidal, I have pets to look after and I care so much about the people I love, my family etc and view suicide as a selfish and easy way out but I just want the pain to go away and I can't see any way that it will.
Hopefully these posts will help WS see the damage they do and prevent any re-occurences, help them to support their BS and be patient when they are rocked by A tremours and to do whatever is needed to make their relationships work and to try and make amends for what they have done. Thank you for posting...


BW-2gether 13 years, wed 09/09.
Dd1 OW1 6/7/2012 - 9 mnths pa/ea. Dd2 OW1 13/8/2010. Dd3 OW1 10/10, ons and ongoing ea.
Dd4 05/11 OW2 - EA/poss PA, plus other poss ONSs,other dodgy txts.
Dd5 03/12 date sites, sex chats & porn!
01/2013 - porno se

Posts: 663 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: united kingdom
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, May 8th (Sunday)

Bumped for Tragicmess


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
browniegirl
Member
Member # 31985
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, May 20th (Friday)

- I deecided to bump this one too as a selfish plug for a topic that we as WS's should never forget about. Even while they suffer in sorrow and pain over our infidelity, they love us enough to give us a chance for redemption.


Yes, exactly.


Browniegirl

BW- Me 41
WH- 42 (Striker9)
Years together- 18
Years married- 14
D-Day 2-11-11 plus TT thru 5-11
1 11 YO DS
Trying to Reconcile


Posts: 280 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hurting
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, May 26th (Thursday)

Bumpin cause it needs to be read again and again!!!


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
Trying2Survive2
Member
Member # 25758
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, May 27th (Friday)

Ohhh my..."Sniff sniff.."

Spot on.....
Shared with my

love

Wanting help..

ty you for this post..
xoxox


Faithful Wife ME 52
FWH 47
DDAY #1 1/11/09 EA Online ONLY (NC)
DDAY #2 6/2010 Admitted PA with the same PIG(12/08)
"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness"

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: USA
Shauna
Member
Member # 31779
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, May 27th (Friday)

The BS hurts to the depth of their soul. I feel absolutely trapped. If I leave, the hurt will go with me and then other innocent people (esp my kids) will be hurt as well. If I stay, I will "save" everyone else the hurt and the hurt stays with me alone. I have no choice except to stay.


BS: 59 female
WS: 60
married 38 years (or so I thought. I don't consider myself married any longer).

2 adult children who don't know

first d-day: 2/05/11
2nd d-day: 3/11/11

3 affairs that he has admitted to, 2 short term, 1 w


Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Northern California
Burl
Member
Member # 31747
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, May 29th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry I inflicted this pain on my bs. Never again!


me FWH, 43,
wife BS 43
5 beautiful kids, 6-14 y.o.

DDAY Dec 2010
MC since Dec 2010

both going to IC
LTA
Doing everything I can to help my beautiful wife heal from the anguish and pain I have caused.ounting on a miracle


Posts: 65 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
hear-me-roar
Member
Member # 17962
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, May 30th (Monday)

I'm glad I floated over here to this wayward side. Although, I am the BS. After almost five years since D-day (add a 2nd D-day a year & half after with the same OW), I have come to realize that my head will never be cleared of the hurt of betrayal & lies. It is nice to read this post of new devotion through your understanding of what is a permanent condition within your continued marriage.

In some form, my obsessive thoughts of my husband's affair filter into every daily connection I have with him. I rarely speak it at the time but it is wearing on me that I don't seem to have control of it for myself even after so long. Sometimes that saying applies to the FWS, "damned if you do and damned if you don't". I can be in the best tender moment place with him and here come the thoughts: is this affection really still hers? does she really have your heart? are you in another lie of bullcrap and contacting her? And so-on. Those thoughts consume me whenever an endearing moment lasts more than that. Is it for real or are you just the best con-man ever? We didn't have a perfect marriage before his affair. Actually, it is much better now. But to now live in doubt of a man that I am crazy about just rips me up inside. I read about "post traumatic stress" syndrome and I think it's exactly what a BS lives with.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2008
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, August 1st (Monday)

BUMP!!!


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
lilgal
Member
Member # 32348
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, August 2nd (Tuesday)

Thank you Hufi for posting this and Im glad I wandered across it because sometimes I just cant find the words.

It is good to cry...


So what do we do when the memory/pain comes back of all the lies, deceitfulness, and disregard for the faithful spouse?
I PRAY... To no longer hold the act against my partner.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Washington State
MrsSprky99
Member
Member # 32895
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 2nd (Tuesday)

This is a fantastic thread...thanks to all who contributed to it!!!


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 53
Married - 14 years
3 Children - 25, 24 from first relationship & 10 y/o with WH
D-Day: June 11, 2011

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Northern IL
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, August 29th (Monday)

Bumped for Kbstr and anyone else who's lurking or a newbie or just needs a reminder...


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
Just-a-Statistic
Member
Member # 31244
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, August 29th (Monday)

Bumping for the author!


Me: 50; Him: 52
DDay 6/1/11; 3 known OWs

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: far away
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:00 AM, August 29th (Monday)

Just-a-Statistic...

It's really not necessary to bump this when it was just bumped less then 3 hours ago.



"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198445 | Registered: May 2002
Painfool
Member
Member # 33227
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 30th (Tuesday)

Thank you to everyone who has posted here from me too. I will certainly be showing my WS to try and help him gain some understanding of the pain he has caused, as he seems to think just seeing my tears and anger tell him.

Not so at all. I have wanted to die. I have felt (and still do) severe physical pain. My very soul is screaming and there is nothing I can do to change it.

Never would a person believe such pain existed unless they had experienced it themselves, which is one of the reasons I am so glad to have found this site!


Married 9 years, together 14.
1 child, aged 6.
WS (31)
Me (30)

The bad news is there is no key to happiness. The good news is it isn't locked.


Posts: 1871 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: United Kingdom
bellamaxjoy
New Member
Member # 32927
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 8th (Thursday)

i was glad I found this, the words were perfect to share with my WH. I hope to God he processes them.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Jul 2011
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, January 13th (Friday)

Bumping before lost.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Hatingit
Member
Member # 34523
Shutup  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 13th (Friday)

Wow, that really shows how much the BS hurts. I have just recently started to feel how badly this hurts, and have tried so hard to make it stop, to help everyone through it, to see if maybe there was something I can do, to say, to change, to help him get through it. I have stopped all activities, will not do it again as I have felt the strength of love, and will never betray that again. This, however, has touched me to the core, and will serve as a reminder of all the destruction As leave behind.


Divorce final 1/27/12. In the search for me and my why. No excuses, just work and improvements for me.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2012
BetrayedandLost
Member
Member # 15994
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, January 13th (Friday)

And that is exactly how I feel today.

Thank you for bumping....out had been a long time since I read that.


Me:37 WH 38
4 kids 8,6,3& 1
DD1: 8/3/07. 2 Mo online EA
DDay#2 11/1/10 2 Month EA/PA with ho-sistant
DD#3 1/14/11 False R...nc broken
DD#4 1/17/11 admitted continued PA
Trying

Posts: 520 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: OH
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, February 5th (Sunday)

bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Notadoormat
Member
Member # 33925
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, February 5th (Sunday)

[This message edited by Notadoormat at 9:25 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 127 | Registered: Nov 2011
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, March 12th (Monday)

bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
broken <3
Member
Member # 35098
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

So completely consumed with bouts of tears as I read this whole thread though. I emailed the link to ws with tears in my eyes. I am in the same boat as many - I have experienced many things in my life - FOO - rape, beatings and emotional scars that may never go away - PTSD- however those things happening to me as hard as they were, and trust me - "hard" is an understatement - now, thinking back - I wasnt blindsided... Not like this and I would go back to those horrible horrible times over this PAIN... this HURT - this complete and utter betrayal from someone I thought was my best friend... It. Just. HURTS!

[This message edited by broken


Me - BS mother of 15 month old identical twin girls (conceived during HB)
Him - serial cheater
R? Still not sure if this is a deal breaker...

Posts: 459 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West coast Canada
Lost333
Member
Member # 35182
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

These letters are so moving...my BH has said so many similiar things to me...as a WS I never knew how much it would hurt to hurt the person that loved you the most.


Me:29,WS/BS Him:27, BS/WS (DontTreadOnMe) His Dday 2/19/12. My Dday 9/29/12
Married: 2 yrs, together 4 1/2

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin


Posts: 689 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Midwest
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, April 6th (Friday)

bump


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
SierraGrace
Member
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, April 6th (Friday)

Sadly, there are those of us who have expressed this, in writing, verbally, emotionally, in too many tears over too many years, but aren't actually EVER heard and will never be heard.

Blessings to those WS's who HEAR this and I mean REALLY HEAR this, and DO whatever it takes to help heal your BS's, yourselves, and your relationships.

But also, Blessings to those of us not so fortunate, because the damage feels permanent and unlike anything else in life.


BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
stilllovingher
Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, April 13th (Friday)

bump


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2407 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
OktoberMest
Member
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 16th (Monday)

My BH shod this to me early in R and It made me sad.

Retrospectively, it was too early for both of us to read and fully grasp.

We discussed it tonight a re read it. It made me cry this time. It is written so calmly and with such sadness , but no malice, anger or aggression.

This IS how my BH feels every day. I know because I feel he says this to me with each look he gives me. not the look when we're just chatting, but the look he has when I know he's thinking about the A. I feel his sadness in these moments.

The bit that really gets me...I am the biggest trigger. I can't change that, but I'd give anything to do so.

[This message edited by OktoberMest at 4:19 PM, April 16th (Monday)]


Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
beautifulmess7
Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, April 16th (Monday)

The words of that letter are so incredibly true. I wish that I had the eloquence to express it all that way. I think I will let my fWH read this because we have just been talking about something similar. It's hard for him to understand sometimes how the hurt can come up to surface seemingly out of nowhere one year post DDay.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, July 7th (Saturday)

Bumping for newbies


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6322 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Brwneyes
Member
Member # 34147
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 7th (Saturday)

Im so sad all the time. I mourn the second child we'll never have. I wish Id never met him.


Me- BS 34
Him WS 33

Together 15 years Married 12 1 child 3


Posts: 121 | Registered: Dec 2011
two2muchpain
Member
Member # 29306
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, July 9th (Monday)

Can someone please tell me how to email this to my husband? I don't see any prompt to click on or am I just blind? In layman terms please, I'm very technologically challenged.
You can PM me if you prefer.

[This message edited by two2muchpain at 4:18 PM, July 9th (Monday)]


Me:49,at time of A
H: 47,at time of A
M: 23 yrs.
OW:27 at time of A
Admitted to EA and other things: 6/16/10
PA (one night stand,sexting and more: 7/15/10
S:19, SS: 30, SD: 26
R: Currently trying to work it out.

Posts: 203 | Registered: Aug 2010
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, July 9th (Monday)

Since its an active thread you should be able to send him the link directly to it.


Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6590 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 4:25 PM, July 9th (Monday)

two2muchpain...

Please be aware that if you send him this link...your username will show up inquiring about it. So if you don't want him to know you're here or your username, I would caution on you emailing him a link.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198445 | Registered: May 2002
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)

Copy it and paste it into an e-mail to him.


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7305 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
osca
Member
Member # 35628
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 10th (Tuesday)

... incredible letter.

I hurt so much I often am sad that I wake up still breathing, as my wish when I fall asleep never comes true.

I hurt so much that it paralyzes me from living my life, from feeling anything but the pain and the betrayal.

I hurt so much that I can't live with or without the person who has raped my soul.


Me: BS 32
Him: WS 36
Kids: 3 yr Son
Complication: Expats living abroad
Married: 03/2006, together since 2003
Dday: April 7th 2012, 6 months emotional, 3 months physical
OW: 35, his first gf, daughter of a prostitute (no really!) Apple >> Tree

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Europe
remorsecode
New Member
Member # 35734
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, July 10th (Tuesday)

Thank you for posting this powerful letter. Makes my chest ache to realize how much I've hurt my wife and how she longs for my understanding of that pain - and makes me worry I am not doing enough. Which is a good thing cause it is revealing in a positive way (makes me want to fight harder for us).


I am a male WS; M 6yrs; son 3yrs; A 6 months; DD May 2012

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 12th (Sunday)

bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
lostone209
Member
Member # 36308
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, August 12th (Sunday)

Thanks for the bump. A lot of the first letter sounds very familiar to me.


me: WH 32
her: BW 29
M 9 years, together 14 years
D-Day: January 2012

Posts: 67 | Registered: Jul 2012
LoveHerStill
Member
Member # 31504
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, August 13th (Monday)

The shattering raw searing pain was unrelenting for months and months.

I could not believe that I could feel such intense, long-lasting emotion and actually live through it.

A literal living hell for months and months. How was she capable of inflicting such excruciating pain on someone she once cared for?

I do not wish that pain on my worst enemy.

I now trust only in God.


Me BH-45
Her WW-44
Married-20yrs
Together-26yrs
D-Day 4/11/10
Divorced 9/13/2010
XWW Married OM 5/23/2011

There is hope. Once you truly commit to focusing on yourself and letting go, it comes back, and you will appreciate it like never before.


Posts: 497 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Seattle, WA
momxgbg
Member
Member # 35350
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, August 16th (Thursday)

Bump


Dday - Jan. 22, 2012
Dday #2 - Apr. 01, 2012 (found out he was still in contact with OW...WHILE we were in MC)
married 17 years
me - bs - 38yrs
him - ws - 36yrs - EA/PA
DD - 15
DS - forever 12 - earned his angel wings 24Nov2013
DD - 10

Posts: 285 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, October 11th (Thursday)

bump


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5094 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
mindful
Member
Member # 36880
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, October 11th (Thursday)

Thank you so much for posting that.

For weeks I have been trying to communicate that to my H.

the A has lots its power over me and I feel really ready to heal with him its 14 months since R started.

And I have told him this.

I read both letters to him and explained their source his response was interesting.

I said I was reading them to help him understand why I have mixed days as that throws him.

He said the letters were understandable and it was understandable that I feel that.

I asked him how they made him feel.

He said 'dare I say it I think you want to see great remorse from me like you want a pint of blood from me.

So I calmly explained that I need to know he feels something in himself regarding what it did to me that means he could never do this again.

That it hurts something in him to hear those words.

He also said he knows it would be easier for me if he could show remorse so I am hoping the letters may help us.

Thank you so much for your courage.


Posts: 161 | Registered: Sep 2012
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, October 15th (Monday)

Bumping for a newbie.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, October 30th (Tuesday)

bump


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6322 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
empresslingpha
Member
Member # 36687
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, October 30th (Tuesday)

I know this post has been up for a long time, but as a relatively new member this is the first time I saw it. It moved me to tears because that's exactly what I want to say to my WH. Thank you so much for posting.

Posts: 51 | Registered: Sep 2012
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, November 29th (Thursday)

Bump


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, January 7th (Monday)

another one that needed to be bumped...


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 862 | Registered: Jul 2012
evephoebe1
Member
Member # 36923
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, January 12th (Saturday)

This agony will stop when I draw my last breath. Only then will I find serenity.

Until then, my body painfully awakens to face another day of endless, inner mind games.

Has he cleverly taken his affair(s) underground? Is he truly remorseful or is he simply an articulate manipulator who's enjoying the power he has over me?

Why has my world crumbled so completely, leaving a bleeding gash in my soul that will never heal?
Why has my "being" my "identity" been ripped out of me so savagely, so as to leave behind a shell of my former self?

Now, I'm a person whose entire existence revolves around levels and intensity of pain that I must mask from the rest of the world.

My WH becomes impatient with my lack of progress. He cannot understand why I'm not moving forward faster.

How can I make him understand that my soul is dying? That it wants to give up its' own fight for survival because it hurts too much to face the rest of my life like this.

[This message edited by evephoebe1 at 4:25 PM, January 12th (Saturday)]


Me: Survivor! BS (47)
Him: WH (45)
2 awesome kids, 13 & 16

Posts: 92 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: evephoebe1
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 15th (Tuesday)

another bump


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
allouttagas
Member
Member # 26380
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, January 15th (Tuesday)

The best post I have ever read on SI. Thanks, I needed it.


BS: 44 - Me
WW: 35
Married in '98
D-Day #1: 2-20-2009
D-Day #2: 4-25-2009
D-Day #3: 6-19-2010
D-Day #4: 9-11-12
D-Day #5: 9-13-12
D-Day #6: 9-15-12
Status: Tryin to "Re-reconcile" but barely hangin on.
Children: Four total

Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Texas
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, January 18th (Friday)

Bump


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
NoTriangles
Member
Member # 35985
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, January 28th (Monday)

bump


Me: Finding my Sunlight
Him: Traitor in my Foxhole
Let go or get dragged.

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: a state of consciousness
thecaves
Member
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, January 28th (Monday)

Thank you for posting and bumping this. I hadn't read it previously. My BW is in a very sad place today and this does help me to understand why. This describes a hurt that is beyond comprehension of anyone who is not actually feeling it.

My BW is strong, stronger than she knows. I can only hope and pray that her strength, combined with mine will help her to cope with the pain. I see how difficult this is when I "AM" the biggest trigger.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2013
NoTriangles
Member
Member # 35985
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, January 28th (Monday)

Way to go, caves.

You are on a good road. Stay the course.


Me: Finding my Sunlight
Him: Traitor in my Foxhole
Let go or get dragged.

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: a state of consciousness
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)

Another Bump


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

Bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
noprincess
Member
Member # 38660
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, April 12th (Friday)

Bump!

Thanks to everyone who contributed on this tread.


"Never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill

Posts: 138 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 12th (Friday)

Good words. Its so true. And I agree with some of the others, what takes place after the infidelity is uncovered can hurt so much more than the infidelity.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, May 19th (Sunday)

Bump


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2247 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 20th (Monday)

No matter how perfectly handled it is, how remorseful you are, every BS must grieve the death of what they thought they had. So the best way I can explain it is the death of your spouse. If there are more lies and TT...its amplified into multiple deaths. Thats been the best way I've heard it described that I think everyone can sort of understand.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

Bump


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
feelscrazy
New Member
Member # 39705
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

Why am I not able to send a PM to strong and womanly?

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: all seems unreal
harrypotter
Member
Member # 39526
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 5th (Friday)

This letter really explains what I see on my wife's face everyday. This is the one thing out of all of this that I think I understand, I no longer get mad when she lashes out at me, threatens me etc. Instead of being mad, it makes me sad, sad that I did this to her and cause the pain that makes her this way now. I wish I would have known how much pain my affair would bring, I thought I did but ultimately I wasn't even close! If you love your spouse, forgive all the madness, anger etc that you have caused. Try not to respond with anger even though your heart is being tore apart with their words you did this and I have noticed that my forgiving of everything negative that my spouse does ( my doing btw) helps me to forgive myself!

I know not everyone is a Christian, and the following I am sure most of you know is from the Bible but it helps me and this description of love may help you help yourself and your spouse. In the way they need you too right now.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.


WS-Me
BS-Her (Lostinthismess)


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Is this a reality I see?
This picture, this vision, this hope?

Is this an understanding, a knowledge, an acceptance
of truth?
Or is it just another illusion?

I knew my life before, then I saw that it was a dream.
Do I dream still?

Will I awaken again to a new reality?

How do I trust what I think I know?
When I see the fragility of love and the folly of faith?

But I was on a different path and I couldn't see any other.

When I awoke I saw that I had been travelling alone.
I looked and you were gone.

You took a different path a long time ago.

But I kept moving on and I didn't stop to see if you were still with me.
You spoke to me but you weren't beside me.

The noises around me deafened me and I didn't hear your silence.

You walked your path with someone else.
I walked mine with only your shadow.

And I walked with my eyes closed, in my dream.

You gave me a blindfold so that I could not see my life
and While I stumbled, she smiled.

And you didn't take my hand to make sure I would not fall.

I fell and awoke from my dream, uncertain.
My past is altered, my memory blurred.

What path am I on now?

I see you now and I hear you again
Now you offer your hand.

But I don't know if we live in the same dream.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 785 | Registered: Feb 2012
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Bumped for Whatnow999

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 12:54 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

bump


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6322 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Bump


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6322 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
catatonic
Member
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Thank you for finding this post and bumping it.
So much pain after the discovery.

Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2013
Neznayou
Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, November 15th (Friday)

I found this because someone else bumped it (thanks). Is there a way for us to bookmark posts that we want to be able to come back to, but don't really feel it necessary to comment on?


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 311 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, November 15th (Friday)

You can bookmark it, however if for some reason it fell off the forum, it could be gone forever. We've already lost one epic thread that way.

I copy and paste the actual posts and keep them in my email files. That way I have them forever.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6322 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Neznayou
Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, November 18th (Monday)

Duh... Thanks, Aubrie.


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 311 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
pizzalover
Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, November 18th (Monday)

This post was tremendously helpful. Thanks for the bump.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 493 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Bump for Elasticman.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2767 | Registered: Oct 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Bump for newbies


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6322 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Bump for EMO


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6322 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

Rescuing from the last page before it drops off.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6322 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

Bump


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6322 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, May 12th (Monday)

Bump


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

Bump


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3031 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
roseglasses
New Member
Member # 43537
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 31st (Saturday)

Amen

Posts: 7 | Registered: May 2014
Wayflost
Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, June 6th (Friday)

Bump


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 428 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

Bump for Lovemywife.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6322 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Katz13
Member
Member # 41886
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, June 27th (Friday)

This is great. Still feel like this 6 months out with a very remorseful WH.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Sad  Posted: 11:41 PM, June 29th (Sunday)

Needed this today


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, June 30th (Monday)

T/J

Where has Hufi gone?

End t/j


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1258 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

HUFI is more of a lurker right now ... I decided some months ago that I needed to take a break from SI and concentrate on work.

While my affair was not work related, I think its fair to say that the initial distraction of the affair and then the consequences of being caught ultimately cost me the job that I was holding in 2009. In fact, I think it can be argued that the subsequent job after that was also a casualty of the affair insofar as my focus was on self-healing instead of work performance.

So, here I am, lurking and reading and very seldom posting.

HUFI

Stilllovinghim - You have got to work every single day on yourself and on your M if you want this to survive. This is the most important thing in your life. This is the air in your lungs. Don't squander it.


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

Glad you're ok and haven't disappeared completely.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1258 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
lovemywife4ever
Member
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)

Thanks for this.


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M...this is not an excuse but a timeline of our life

Posts: 208 | Registered: Mar 2014
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, July 24th (Thursday)

bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
lostcovenants
Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, July 25th (Friday)

I hope my WS will read this thread. We lost our first grand child in stillbirth. That was, then, the worst pain of my life. I have the faith that I will see her in the next life.

But, this, - 14 YEARS of cheating - how can I survive this? He thinks he "gets it" now. I would think no one could ever "get" the pain that would cause someone to consider suicide, many times over the past 12 month of hell.


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; MOW, PA 2009-?. Broke it off about a week before I found out. Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me. STATUS UPDATE - SEPARATED :-(

Posts: 167 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Sparkle0504
Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Bump


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 235 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Headunderwater
New Member
Member # 44484
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)

Thank you for Posting this

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: United States
remorsefulww
Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, August 16th (Saturday)

Bump

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, September 19th (Friday)

bump


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3031 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 164