SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
I Can Relate
User Topic: Support Through Prayer- Part 2
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)

This thread is for both BS/WS. This thread is not intended for religious debating.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
crushed again
Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)

Again I am asking for prayer about my 'family'. Please pray that my WH would choose truly RRing our M and not D. I also pray that God would put it in his heart to be sincerely remorseful over what he has done to our DS and myself. I feel I'll never be fully healed w/out that.
I also pray for wisdom and strength and to know that only the Lord is in control. I pray my WH will come to know this also.
My biggest prayer request is that God would wrap HIS healing arms around each and everyone here on S.I.


Permanent S 5/2014 Court hearing (1st of many) Dec 2014 ~I will follow the path the Lord has for me - Faithfully!I'm a happy idiot!!;)

Posts: 723 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!Still dreaming.....
Newtwood
Member
Member # 21154
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, February 5th (Friday)

Asking for prayers for strength.

On Tue. night I was taken to the hospital for 72 hrs. I just got home-they let me out early due to the pending snowstorm here.

Just need a big, big, hug.


Faithful Wife of 24+ yrs: Me
WS: Him
OW(s): AFF Skanks/GRANDMOTHERS!!!

Status: Struggling Everday to
Survive

what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another-Anatole France


Posts: 2182 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: North Carolina
Thriving
Member
Member # 4770
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, February 5th (Friday)

(((((newt))))) I hope you're feeling better. Please take it easy and rest.


"Trust is earned, respect is given, and loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any of one of those is to lose all three." - Anon.

Posts: 4874 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: Denver, CO
HPrynne
Member
Member # 18545
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, May 13th (Thursday)

A little background. My affair started during a deployment a few years ago. My husband and I have been both working really hard to keep our marriage together. I just deployed again and have started journaling as a way to learn how to see myself, express myself, just overall be a better person.
This morning after journaling, I felt it was something I needed to share with my husband. This is what I wrote and emailed to him and below that is his reply. Even though we are thousands of miles apart, I am so glad to see that we are able to keep the lines of communication open.
I wasn’t sure whether to post this in “Wayward” or “Reconciliation” but because of the religious aspect, I thought it best to post it in the “Support through Prayer” thread. I hope this helps other people as much as it has helped me!

>
> Dear BS,
> I was journaling this morning and one of the readings was about our how our family (parents and siblings) shapes and molds us. The journal question was along the lines (or so I thought) of being thankful for our family experiences and how they made us who we are today.
> I started reflecting on this and found myself getting angry. I should thank my serial adulterous father, my mother who didn't fight for custody of us and my brothers who molested me?
> But I reread the paragraph and saw that the question was more about how God shapes and molds us.
> So then I thought, God shaped and molded me to be like my father? And to not have stronger maternal instincts? That sucks!
> But then I realized something more and my head felt full and my fingers started tingling. Seriously, this happened.
> I realized that things in our life do not make us stronger -- WE make ourselves stronger! I know you've heard the statement, "Our affair made our marriage stronger." Bullshit! It's God and the husband and wife who can make it stronger. Improper actions don't do that!
> And I really feel like I found God ever since we started going to church. Now I can truly understand that now that I have a personal relationship with God, I am able to see how he continues to shape and mold me -- into my goal of being the best wife and mother you all deserve.
>
> That's what I wrote in my journal today. I know you and I have the power, with God in our lives, to make our marriage strong. I love you for being with me today and will keep pursuing a better life with God and you and the children.
>
> Love Always,
HPrynne

His reply?
HPrynne
I'm glad you feel this way. I told you you seemed different in a better way this past year.

Love,
BS


Me, FWW
Him, BH
Married: 21 years
DDay: Jan 2008
More TT: April 2008
Lie Detector test: July 2008
He said he forgives me: Feb 13, 2011
3 children (one of them during R -- what a blessing)

Posts: 220 | Registered: Mar 2008
Darkness Falls
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, May 16th (Sunday)

I'm glad this thread is here.

I have a couple of prayer requests, for anyone listening/willing to pray.

1.) Please pray for my STBX/BH:

- that God will lift him up and heal him and help him recover, and sustain him through this devastating crisis that I caused through my selfishness.
- that, if it's God's will, his heart will be turned toward forgiveness of my actions.
- that he may someday change his mind...and that even if he doesn't, that he finds peace in his life.

2.) Please pray for me:

- that I learn from this painful lesson and change for the better
- that I can make it on my own: financially & emotionally
- that through the closing of this door, God in His mercy sees fit to open a window

Thank you. Peace and healing through God's grace to you all.


Me: XWS, 33, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 45
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014 on our would-have-been 7th anniversary

Formerly heartbroken0903


Posts: 2553 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Central Florida
Littlegirllost
Member
Member # 21769
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 17th (Monday)

Heartbroken0903,

I have prayed with you and I send you my prayers.


Me: BS 48 yrs.
FWH 50
D'day: 5/22/08
2 EA's, 1 PA during 5 month period of time
A Midlife Crisis gone wild
In R

Posts: 1301 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: New Jersey
HPrynne
Member
Member # 18545
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, May 17th (Monday)

HB0903 -- you are both in my prayers. God bless you both!


Me, FWW
Him, BH
Married: 21 years
DDay: Jan 2008
More TT: April 2008
Lie Detector test: July 2008
He said he forgives me: Feb 13, 2011
3 children (one of them during R -- what a blessing)

Posts: 220 | Registered: Mar 2008
thegreatwife
Member
Member # 28119
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 30th (Sunday)

Please pray for me so that I may find the strength I need for this week ahead.
WH called to tell me he broke it off with OW and is a mess and of no help to me right now. DS graduates and I will be throwing a BBQ for 70 by myself without help from anyone at all. Usually my WH and I have done everyting together and by ourselves because we have been quite the team.
Please also pray that I find joy in all my DS senior events this week. It will be bittersweet for so many obvious reasons.
Please also pray for my health - I am suffering from gastritis from all the stress.
Peace


Me - Faithful Spouse 44
Him - WS 44
Married - 20 yrs
Together - 25 years
D Day 12/30/09
EA/PA - 18 mos

"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." But what truly matters is what *you* think." Dr. Seuss


Posts: 125 | Registered: Apr 2010
GeauxTigers
Member
Member # 28301
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, May 30th (Sunday)

I am asking for prayers for my wife. She has suffered from chronic depression for decades, and the aftermath of her recent affair has her as lost as I've ever seen her. I'm scared.

Please pray that she finds her path to peace and joy.

Thank you.


Sigh... how did I end up here?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Nashville
JoyH
Member
Member # 5973
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, May 30th (Sunday)

A simple prayer that I had posted on my bathroom mirror for the early months after our dday. It came from a drug rehab program, but fit my needs at the time.

Recovery Prayer

Dear Lord,

Sometimes bitter memories paralyze me.

I get so focused on those unpleasant moments in my life that moving forward seems impossible.

Help me to leave behind these negative images.

Please give me your love and strength to change those memories from bitter and resented times to simply a moment from the past.

Please help me to focus forward.

Let me realize that the delightful memories of today and tomorrow will bless me with peace of mind.

............



Initial dday 11/00.
Me: BS
H: WS,
Difficult road, but Reconciling.

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past and instead inviting hope for a better future."

"The Truth Hurts, But It's Best That You Know."


Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: Fl, USA
bellamomma
New Member
Member # 28895
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, June 26th (Saturday)

My WH and I are S. He says he wants a D. I've been reading a lot of scripture, praying and seeking Godly counsel. I really believe God wants me to stand and believe for R.
DDay for me was just under 2 wks ago, June 14th. I found explicit emails between WH and OW.
Bit of Background: My husband was in full time ministry for about 5 years, and has been in church most of his life. Until the A, I was the only person he had ever been with. During our marriage we had 5 miscarriages and a lot of circumstances and financial issues that come with ministry.
The A has been going on for a year. He was let go from the church in January. The OW worked at the church. I notified the church leadership, the OW was fired and WH confronted. Aparently she was not very repentant, but her BH has really stepped up and set some boundaries for her. WH aparently broke down in tears and expressed extreme repentance.
I gave him space, to be sensitive to when he was ready to discuss things. He hadn't said anything to me, but didn't express anger. Then just yesturday, he called me and threatened me about our finances and future, and threatened to do things that I don't think he even legally do. He is all of a sudden so angry with me. Right after DDay, he had waivered on the D thing, and was expressing hope for our M. However, yesturday he was talking about D again. I know God has it in control. I know God can do miracles. Please pray that WH comes to true repentance, comes back to God, and returns to the marriage. Please pray that God give me wisdom to know what I need to do. I also need a financial miracle.
Also if anyone has any insight from a biblical perspective that would be great! Thank you!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Longview, TX
Beth
Member
Member # 6381
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, July 4th (Sunday)

Please pray for my family, especially my daughter and 20 month old granddaughter. My son in law was verbally and emotionally abuse and she kicked him out a few months ago. For a while it looked like their marriage might be able to be ended amicably but the last few weeks he has become increasingly hostile and manipulative.
He appears to be attempting to build a case to have custody of my granddaughter, which would be a tragedy as he is a narcissist, a sociopath, is a poor father and untreated ptsd. The whole situation is a nightmare and is tearing us up. My daughter was a faithful wife and is and excellent mom, but he has been lying and waging psychological warfare- he was trained for this in the military. I believe he is viewing this as a battle campaign, not as what is best for his child.
Please pray for their protection and for the courts to see through his manipulations and lies.
Thank you


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." Martin Luther King, Jr.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2005
lied2
Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)

I am asking for prayer for my son. He is away at camp and having a really hard time.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
let it be me
Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, August 27th (Friday)

Thought for the day (Day 1)

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You"

~ Isaiah 26:3

Come, Holy Spirit, Come... Reside in my heart so that from the overflow of my heart I will speak Your truth.....


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
let it be me
Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, August 30th (Monday)

Thought for the Day (Day 2)

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

~Romans 15:13

Today, again, Spirit I call to you and tear open my wounded heart to let you in. Help me to 'captivate my thought(s) until they serve Christ'......


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
let it be me
Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, September 1st (Wednesday)

Thought for the Day (Day 3)

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Deuteronomy 31:6

I am NOT alone. I may not have what I want; however, I will always have what I need. True love, pure love, God's love. EVEN I DON'T DESERVE THIS LOVE for I have sinned against God and others, as well. Yet God gave grace through Christ that I may always reconcile myself back to God and continue my walk with Him as I transform more and more into an image of the Love that God has shown me through the sacrifices and love of Christ.

Today I will focus to captivate my thoughts until they serve Christ.

Asking for forgiveness from God and anyone I sin against, repenting and allowing God to take that and make it something beautiful!

*sighs*

I can do this and 'all things through Christ who strengthens me'.

Happy Wednesday!


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
HPrynne
Member
Member # 18545
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, September 15th (Wednesday)

Something my BH passed on to me:
Commend your past to God's mercy;
Commend your future to God's providence;
Consecrate your prest to God's love.

I love what this means but I'm working on trying to figure out how to commend my past to God's mercy.


Me, FWW
Him, BH
Married: 21 years
DDay: Jan 2008
More TT: April 2008
Lie Detector test: July 2008
He said he forgives me: Feb 13, 2011
3 children (one of them during R -- what a blessing)

Posts: 220 | Registered: Mar 2008
crushed again
Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, September 22nd (Wednesday)

Since I feel too ashamed to put this on the 'prayer list' at Church I'm posting it here.
Please pray for DS & I. DS is having awful depression due to the fact that WH is not home. He is also doing awful in school this year. He wants me to give WH another chance. I don't know if I can. Please pray that the Lord will show me what to do. I guess I'm asking for prayers of grace & strength. I am praying that God would really open Wh's eyes to all the devastation his selfishness has caused. Until then I don't believe I can give DS what he wants most.
I am starting to lose faith more & more each day. I need prayer on that also.
Thank-you all.


Permanent S 5/2014 Court hearing (1st of many) Dec 2014 ~I will follow the path the Lord has for me - Faithfully!I'm a happy idiot!!;)

Posts: 723 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!Still dreaming.....
HPrynne
Member
Member # 18545
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, September 27th (Monday)

Crushed Again,
I just saw your prayer request. I have started praying for you and your DS. I hope things are looking better for you this week.
HP


Me, FWW
Him, BH
Married: 21 years
DDay: Jan 2008
More TT: April 2008
Lie Detector test: July 2008
He said he forgives me: Feb 13, 2011
3 children (one of them during R -- what a blessing)

Posts: 220 | Registered: Mar 2008
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, September 27th (Monday)

Having some feelings like something isn't right here lately. Please pray for me and my family. If there is something going on I pray it will come to light now.

Oldest son is in a battle for his 3 y/o daughter. The xso is causing misery and stress with her lies. He has gone back to college and is struggling with all of this going on.

Your prayers and good thoughts are deeply needed and greatly appreciated.

I will remember each of you in my prayers.

Blessings all.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9998 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
crushed again
Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, September 28th (Tuesday)

HPrynne-

A big Thank-you! Your prayers are working. A much better week than last week.
Also I finally got up the strength to go to the DR.- I just started on AD's this week. DS is having a better week too- he just got off the phone w/WH. They were making plans for a snack/movie date! Seemed to cheer DS up

Again, I pray that the Lord would lovingly wrap his arms around everyone here on SI...

Almighty God our heavenly Father, graciously comfort & heal ALL hurting souls. It is in Your Son's precious name I pray- Amen.

Crushed1
Praying for you & your's.


Permanent S 5/2014 Court hearing (1st of many) Dec 2014 ~I will follow the path the Lord has for me - Faithfully!I'm a happy idiot!!;)

Posts: 723 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!Still dreaming.....
HPrynne
Member
Member # 18545
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, September 29th (Wednesday)

CA -- glad to hear things are looking better. Prayer is very powerful and amazing!

C1 -- I will keep you and your son and your granddaughter in my prayers too!
HP


Me, FWW
Him, BH
Married: 21 years
DDay: Jan 2008
More TT: April 2008
Lie Detector test: July 2008
He said he forgives me: Feb 13, 2011
3 children (one of them during R -- what a blessing)

Posts: 220 | Registered: Mar 2008
BoardPearl
Member
Member # 25463
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, October 2nd (Saturday)

I will be praying for you all.

I am amazed at what happened to me after asking for prayers here!

Thank you.

Prayers are powerful, and work.


Posts: 1126 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Europe
faithhopeandlove
Member
Member # 28482
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, October 9th (Saturday)

I know God can do all things. I am of the conviction my marriage its not over. The world calls it denial, I want to call it faith.

I am feeling very confused. I know what the word tells me what god wants for me, I know what I want for me... But ultimately if wh is not willing it doesn't matter what I or god wants.

Please pray for my understanding. I need a stepping stone for my faith today.


Posts: 391 | Registered: May 2010 | From: on the edge of a sunset feet in the water
urwyfe
Member
Member # 29856
Wink  Posted: 11:30 AM, October 24th (Sunday)

@NEWT SEE INBOX
(HUGS FOR EVERONE)
PSALM 37
Never stop praying. Things may seem to go in slow motion, but God will deliver us.


BW 47/WH 47 Married 7+ years
together 16 1/2 years
DD#1 9/08, Reconciled 9/09
Cheating always ends in disaster! We were able to survive the aftermath!

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: NY
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, November 7th (Sunday)

just asking for some prayers to get past something.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3283 | Registered: Apr 2009
notagainplease
New Member
Member # 27812
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, November 11th (Thursday)

I have been separated from WH for 8 months now. After 45 years of marriage, I discovered H had been in LTA for years. Needless to say, I have gone through the various stages of grief.
So glad there is a prayer support forum here. I thought someone out there might benefit from a prayer my sister recently sent me. It made all the difference in the world for me!
Prayer of Release by Roy Lessin:
"I know the one in whom I trust, and I am sure that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until the day of His return." II Tim. 1:12 "Heavenly Father,
I release to You the burdens that I have been carrying..burdens that You never intended for me to carry. I cast all my cares upon You, all my worries, all my fears.
Father, calm my restless spirit, quiet my anxious heart. Still my troubling thoughts with the assurance that You are in control. I let go of my grip upon the things I have been hanging onto. With open hands I come to You.
I thank You for Your promise to sustain me, preserve me, and guard all that I have entrusted to Your keeping. Protect my heart and mind with Your peace..the peace that passes all understanding. Father, may Your will be done in my life, in Your time and in Your way."
God bless all of you hurting hearts out there.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Mar 2010
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, November 26th (Friday)

I just found this thread!
I am so glad that we have this support through prayer.
I recently completed a three-part theological course called Living the Questions. One lesson was titled: Prayer: Intimacy With God. Its focus was the idea of prayer as the primary method of intereaction with God is best thought of as a way of life rather than an activity reserved for specific times, places, and formulas. Much of prayer's real power is in changing us. When we are changed, we may be able to see things in a new way or find the strength to live faithfully with what we cannot change.
This 21 part course contains many wonderful prayers, and if anyone reading would like to know more, please feel free to PM me.
So in parting,

O God,
thank you for people who nurture
childhood faith and teach,
in loving ways,
that your word is a light unto our path.
Thank you for all
the people who open our hearts and minds
to learn and grow.
Thank you for friends
in the faith,
people with whom
we can share
our struggles,
hunches, and joys.
Give us the courage
to not only study
the scriptures,
but also live your grace. In Christ's name.
Amen

(Cynthia Langston Kirk)

[This message edited by looking forward at 9:27 PM, November 26th (Friday)]


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2939 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, December 30th (Thursday)

A New Year’s Prayer
May God make your year a happy one!
Not by shielding you from all sorrows and pain,
But by strengthening you to bear it, as it comes;
Not by making your path easy,
But by making you sturdy to travel any path;
Not by taking hardships from you,
But by taking fear from your heart;
Not by granting you unbroken sunshine,
But by keeping your face bright, even in the shadows;
Not by making your life always pleasant,
But by showing you when people and their causes need you most, and by making you anxious to be there to help.
God’s love, peace, hope and joy to you for the year ahead.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2939 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Lynn52
New Member
Member # 26510
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, January 10th (Monday)

Asking for prayer for myself,WH and our children. 1st Dday was April 2009. It was a long road to R. It didn't really start until about Aug.2010. It's been up and down but getting better I thought, even a week vac. just the two of us over our wedding anniversary. Well big fight yesterday, worse than its been in a while. I said mean things to him like in the beginning. So today he tells me its just too much, he's done.Our youngest son is special needs he's going to have an extra hard time with a S.

Please pray that my family stays together and heals and grows. Prayers for my children that they end up with their parents together, happy and in love.

If anyone is willing to pray for my family I would appreciate it so much.


BW(me)-41
WH(him)-39
Married 19 years
3 Kids
DDay 4/06/09
Broken NC & TT until 6/01/10
Trying to R

Posts: 2 | Registered: Dec 2009
scamper10
New Member
Member # 30545
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, January 15th (Saturday)

praying Lynn.
Please Pray for my wh and I also. Beenn living seperately for 2 months, NC with him. I keep praying for him, I just don't know what God is doing with him, but I am NOt encouraged. He filed for D but I contested...and so I am letting it sit for its time right now...No quick decision...Praying Satan releases him and God brings him back to repentance and R so we can be a stronger and more effective ministry for HIM!..I love him, inspite od his "sins". Well, God loves me inspite of my imperfections, how can I bestow less than that on MY HUSBAND? I'm trying to be strong, courageous, and not lose Hope.
My family is also very angry. There are a lot of hearts that need mended and filled with love and forgiveness over this mess.
Oh and He is living with His ow, because he says he can't stay at our house...too many ghosts..NO DUH??!!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: pittsburgh,pa
Beat up
Member
Member # 30445
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, January 16th (Sunday)

Hi,

Can I request to be mentioned for strength for both me and my 2 boys?

I will mention all in my prayers also.

Thanks.

Mike


Posts: 59 | Registered: Dec 2010
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, January 17th (Monday)

(((((everyone))))) Keeping you all in prayer...asking our Father to give strength, courage, and wisdom to each of us to face what comes our way each day.

God bless you all and please keep me and my family in your prayers. The Lord does hear us.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9998 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
APRIL2008
Member
Member # 19690
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, January 19th (Wednesday)

Please pray for me and my family need all the strength I can get to continue on with my journey. I am confused and need direction. Need to free my head from conflict so that I can see what god has to show me and hear what he has to tell me. thank you in advance.


Me BGF28
XBF 29
DD 10
DS 7

“Was it hard?" I ask.
Letting go?"
Not as hard as holding on to something that wasn't real.”
― Lisa Schroeder


Posts: 527 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Arizona
jilteddad1
New Member
Member # 29864
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, January 24th (Monday)

Beat up - I'm with you brother. I need prayer as well, we have 2 boys 17, 14 that my WW left along with me after 21 years of M in Oct saying she was in love with another man she met on face book 2 months prior. They hooked up for a weekend and I guess he got his because he seems to be out of the picture. After the holidays I thought she would be ready to come home. but not yet. I asked her is she has found someone new, she said no but it sure feels like it did before. Can anyone relate? I pray for everyone caught in this bear trap. I can't tell what my WW wants, I pray that she would hit bottom and realize what she's done.

[This message edited by jilteddad1 at 5:49 PM, January 24th (Monday)]


Posts: 42 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Texas
crushed again
Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, January 26th (Wednesday)

Hugs & prayers to EVERYONE on this thread and to everyone on SI as well. jilteddad1, APRIL2008, and everyone else with foggy spouses praying especially for you all. Asking the Lord to please open the eyes & hearts of those who still do not see pain and heartache they are causing with their sinful actions. May God bless &
Heal each & everyone one of us on this painful journey called infidelity. I ask this in Jesus' precious name. Amen.


Permanent S 5/2014 Court hearing (1st of many) Dec 2014 ~I will follow the path the Lord has for me - Faithfully!I'm a happy idiot!!;)

Posts: 723 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!Still dreaming.....
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday)

I haven't posted in this thread in a long, long time, in part because I suspect wh knows my username and this site and I couldn't post what was really going on, for my own protection. But now he knows I've filed.

He acted very conciliatory last night, played the poor me, I know I've been a jerk routine, and I have no idea if it's true or not. He's seeing a laywer this morning. This is one of the little things that galls me. As a full time employee of a huge company, he has benefits like employee assistance to connect him up with a laywer in a heartbeat, something not quite so simple for a part time employee/ stay at home mom. But that's probably just a vent and frustration.

Please pray that he would genuinely move forward civilly with concern for the kids and be fair in alimony as I've given up 22 years of full time work which I can never recoup, please pray he wouldn't turn this into an ugly legal battle. Please pray for our children, who don't yet know. Please pray for me to have strength, as I not only have this to deal with, but an alcoholic, dysfunctional family and a mother who's already telling people I'm 'imagining' things regarding wh. It's likely their tongues will be wagging overtime about how stupid and awful I'm being and how I'm ruining all my children's lives.

Thank you.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
bumbed
Member
Member # 31024
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, March 6th (Sunday)

Please pray for me and my wayward. Pray that God opens our hearts and minds to each other so that we can see, feel and talk about his plan for us and our future.

Pray for strength, wisdom, comfort, peace and faith as we face this very difficult path for me and my SI family.


I rather suspect like all the worst things in life, making sense of it will not happen.


25 year relationship D day 1/28/11
The we door is closed but the ME doors are opening


Posts: 471 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: a better place in Michiagn
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, March 19th (Saturday)

I met someone recently who very much needs prayer. She is living in a nightmare similar to many here, with an extremely emotionally abusive, controlling, and arrogant husband. She has been getting counseling and is slowly getting stronger, but sounds like she feels she has a long way to go. Please pray for her to overcome all his belittling and abuse, and to be able to take care of herself. He's threatening what he'll do if she divorces him, at the same time he insults her and tells her she's nothing and he doesn't like anything about her. My heart is breaking for her tonight.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
rcantbleveit
Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, April 9th (Saturday)

It's so good to see that there are so many believers among us.

Our divorce was final last month. H is living with OW. They are out with friends of ours tonight. It just hurts so much to know that she has just stepped in and took over my life as if I didn't even exist.

Friends say they love my H and I both. They can't take sides & they have to support whatever decisions we've made.

That is great, however I'm the one that had to move and lost my community because of it, while OW enjoys my home, my friends, my husband, step sons & community.

I'm not angry about it. I'm just downright sad & lost. I love my H. He says he will always love me & he will be here if I need anything.

He won't talk about why he left or what he's doing. They have all the money they want & need. They travel and have fun constantly. I'm struggling to get through each day.

I pray for everyone of us going through the loss of their spouse/friend. I pray that God will completely fill us up with his love & comfort. I pray that we all get the necessary strength to make it through this trial and hold onto God the entire time.

God bless each and everyone of you.


Posts: 227 | Registered: Dec 2010
jdt1973
Member
Member # 31750
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, April 9th (Saturday)

Pray for me to stay NC. I have struggled the past two weeks pretty hard. And thus, it affects my wife when she senses my struggle. I know that God's best is with my wife and kids. I have believed the lies of Satan for so long, lies I took part in telling myself. I am having to "renew" my mind. Please pray that I will be faithful to see R through and that my very hurt wife will not give up.


After all is said and done, just shut the hell up.
WH(me) 38
BS 38
Togethher 21 years, married 19
5 kids - 17,15,12,10,2
DD#1 4/2001 - EA/PA
DD#2 10/2009 - EA/PA
DD#3 1/4/2011 - EA/PA same AP as DD#2
R - trying hard

Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Texas
takilasunrise
Member
Member # 29786
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, April 13th (Wednesday)

I, too, am asking for prayer for myself. I am still having major anxiety issues with all of this and the anxiety part of it is really starting to overwhelm me. I am personally struggling with my own faith through all this as well. Thank you.

And, I ask, too, that a prayer is said for my WH...."forgive him, for he knows not what he does".


BW - Me, 49 years old
WH - Him, 51 years old)
D-Day July 2010 (several D-days to follow)
Divorced February 7, 2012

Denial isn't the way to forgiveness. The Karma for screwing over a good girl is the Bitch you end up with.


Posts: 978 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: WI
emotiona hell
Member
Member # 31781
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, April 17th (Sunday)

Our daughter is getting married in about a month.It has been difficult to plan the wedding while working on R in my marriage. Please pray that I am able to enjoy here day.



Me BS 41
WH 43
DS 12 DD 21
Married 23 years
DDay 6/26/10
Filed for divorce 11/23/11

Posts: 218 | Registered: Apr 2011
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, April 18th (Monday)


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
wifeno2
Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 12th (Thursday)

I feel selfish asking for a prayer for myself but I'm hurting today. Thank you!


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, May 12th (Thursday)

(((wifeno2))))


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
crushed again
Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, May 17th (Tuesday)

Father God, I pray that you'll hear & answer every prayer on this board. If it be Your Will I pray that you will remove all ugliness & devastation to each and every hurting soul on here whether it be a BS or WS. Dear Lord please let the relationships (even those that seem broken beyond repair) be restored and healed by Your loving hands. Lord please let me remember that only You are the true vindicator & are a fair God of justice. I pray for the peace & wisdom I know only You can give me. I also pray that you will wrap your loving arms around my DS who is starting to doubt your existence in this ugly mess. Lord I pray for my home & life to be washed clean by Your healing blood. I know You don't like to see "your children" hurting. Please give me Your grace to move ahead in whatever direction YOU want me to go. Again Lord I ask that You wrap your loving arms around each and every SI member. Thank you for prayers answered in advance. In Jesus precious name I pray, Amen.


Permanent S 5/2014 Court hearing (1st of many) Dec 2014 ~I will follow the path the Lord has for me - Faithfully!I'm a happy idiot!!;)

Posts: 723 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!Still dreaming.....
dday420
Member
Member # 32133
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, May 17th (Tuesday)

Just asking for prayer. Everyone is welcome to read my story. Thank you!


For better or for worse

Infidelity is a choice. There is no justification.


Posts: 95 | Registered: May 2011 | From: socal
diditagn
Member
Member # 3433
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, May 23rd (Monday)

This is a prayer that I found helpfull. It's a prayer for intercession from St. Jude, the Saint of the impossible causes.

I hope that this prayer can bring peace to someone.

“Saint Jude, we have problems in our relationship. Beg Almighty God to give us the light to see ourselves and each other as we really are. Help us to grow daily in self-knowledge and mutual love, while at the same time developing our potential to love and be loved. Help us, Saint Jude, to see and root out every manifestation of selfishness, vanity, and childish self-seeking—those hidden enemies of love and maturity. Show us that by learning to love and being filled with love, we may complement and nurture each other as we share our lives together.”


Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.

Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: WI
trynhard
Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, May 24th (Tuesday)

I wanted to share a miracle.

First, it is a miracle I am still married.

Sunday, May 22, 2011, I gave my W a chance to recommit her fidelity to me after we have worked for 31 months reconciling our relationship. This was the prayer.

Lord, Increase and consecrate the love which “D” and “T” have for one another. The wedding rings they once exchanged are the sign of their fidelity. May they continue to prosper in the grace of the sacrament. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

Lord God and Creator, we bless and praise your name. In the beginning you made man and woman, so that they might enter a communion of life and love. You likewise blessed the union of “D” with “T”, so that they might reflect the union of Christ with his Church, look with kindness on them today. Amid the joys and struggles of their life, you have preserved the union between them, renew their marriage covenant, increase your love in them, and strengthen their bond of peace, so that “our children”, they may always rejoice in the gift of your blessing. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

Later that day Sunday, my friend of mine, who did not know about our renewal, sent me a picture. It was the back of our home. Look at that rainbow that happened the same day over my house.

Genesis 9:13: And God said, “I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth”

This was no coincidence on the day of our renewing our marriage covenant.

Peace be with you all.

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:49 PM, May 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2777 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
emotiona hell
Member
Member # 31781
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, May 26th (Thursday)

I gave WH the book, How to help your spouse heal from your Affair. Please pray that he reads it.He is not much of a reader. Also pray that he gets what God wants him to get from it.

[This message edited by emotiona hell at 11:24 AM, May 26th (Thursday)]



Me BS 41
WH 43
DS 12 DD 21
Married 23 years
DDay 6/26/10
Filed for divorce 11/23/11

Posts: 218 | Registered: Apr 2011
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, June 21st (Tuesday)

trynhard~ that makes me

emotiona hell~ God, open Mr.eh's heart to hear the words You speak to heal another marriage covenant. Send comfort and love to emotiona and hold her close during this trial of life.


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
rcantbleveit
Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 12th (Tuesday)

I spent some time with WH on the 4th. We cuddled up to talk and listen to some music. He didn't ask or want anything other than that.

I went to a cookout at friends and he suggested that I come back over afterwards.

After leaving his house, I realized that 3 prayers had been answered.

I've prayed so much over the last year that sometimes it just feels like God is not listening and I start to doubt, but then the proof that he's not only listening but making things happen shows up and that is amazing.

I'm still praying for a miracle. I want reconciliation & restoration. Everytime I start to give up, something comes along to give me hope. Our God is an awesome God! He can turn around any situation.

I know that H will eventually turn to God and will be saved. My biggest fear is that when he does, he will be with someone else or that he will come back to me but I will have moved on.

I'm so sick of Satan tearing apart marriages/families. Doesn't everyone just get tired of him winning so much? Why can't people see the devastation that happens from affairs and just walk away?

Pray that God will send armies of angels into every marriage/family for protection and give them the strength to make the right choices/decisions.

Thanks to those who have posted their miracles as well as answered prayers.


Posts: 227 | Registered: Dec 2010
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, July 30th (Saturday)

Please pray for my entire family today. Has been a horrible week for myself, my H, and DS21.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 34 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7187 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, July 30th (Saturday)

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:23

We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check. James 3:2

So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1:4


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, July 30th (Saturday)

Even though I find myself physically single, I am never spiritually single as God is my husband, my provider, my Helper, my friend. I am never alone as He is my comforter even amongst my loneliness and tears, He will Always be faithful.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
numb82010
New Member
Member # 29691
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, August 15th (Monday)

I'm asking for prayers for my family and myself. My WH and I are in reconciliation, but extremely close to divorce. We both need wisdom and patience. We have 2 very young, precious girls who don't deserve to have a fractured family. Please pray that my WH and I have God's will as our own and that whatever the outcome, our daughters are happier, healthier, and stronger for it. Our family needs peace. Thank you!!


D-day #1: Aug. 20, 2010
D-day #2: June 21, 2011
2 Abandonments through-out 2011
Decision made to divorce Feb. 2012
Decision to reconcile March 2012
3 beautiful girls

Posts: 11 | Registered: Sep 2010
Jrazz
Moderator
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, August 15th (Monday)

Praying for peace for you, numb.


Sometimes it's about playing a poor hand well.

Posts: 22591 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
mrsdwp6
New Member
Member # 33106
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 29th (Monday)

Prayers for my husband. That he find peace again. That God will show me new ways to love and cherish him. That the Lord continues to purify and refine me to be the wife and mother my husband and children deserve.


Me: WS
Him: BS
D-Day: 8/19/11
Working hard for R.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Aug 2011
emotiona hell
Member
Member # 31781
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, September 28th (Wednesday)

I go for another pap test next week.
There was possible cancer cells on the first.I know you can have a false- positive.And there may be no need to worry.I believe I should start with prayer first, so please pray that everything is ok.



Me BS 41
WH 43
DS 12 DD 21
Married 23 years
DDay 6/26/10
Filed for divorce 11/23/11

Posts: 218 | Registered: Apr 2011
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, September 28th (Wednesday)

My IC (a Christian, like me - or at least like I was six months ago...hard to say now) wants me to pray for the strength to pray for my STBXH. I'm not sure I even have that in me.

I need prayers for strength, healing, and faith.

I'm in a very broken/angry place and having trouble accepting that I still need the Lord in my life.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 14134 | Registered: Jul 2011
shocked4
Member
Member # 33447
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, September 29th (Thursday)

I am so glad I found this post. It feels like faith is the only thing that will get me through this. My prayers are with you all.


D-Day August 17, 2011
M-23 years
4 children ages 10-23

Posts: 136 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Ohio
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, October 13th (Thursday)

Hi

I'm bumping this thread for a devout friend who needs a lot of help. I have told him about SI and hope he joins the forum soon.

Hugs

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 58Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2769 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
bellamaxjoy
New Member
Member # 32927
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, October 20th (Thursday)

so glad to have found this thread! One of the things that has made it bearable for me is prayer. If I did not have the Lord to lean on, I would be so lost.
Amazonia, I am praying that you remember that God says He will NEVER leave you or forsake you.
Please pray for my husband to continue to be convicted of his wrong doing, and that he is open and honest during this reconciliation time. Please pray that I only respond to him in the way God wants me to. Pray for physical healing as well

Posts: 31 | Registered: Jul 2011
npain
Member
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, October 20th (Thursday)

I pray daily with one of the ministers fom my church and it's really helping me to get through this rough time. My WH is totally remorseful/unrepentful and I'm parying for God to break him and take the scales off his eyes so he can see what he has done to me, his children and all those involved (he cheated for 4 yrs with another woman in our church so her family is badly affected too). He is still blameshifting and acting like he is the victim and everyone else needs to change. May God have mercy on his soul.


S, Filed 4/17/14--YAY, ME!!

Posts: 515 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
rcantbleveit
Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 29th (Saturday)

I continue to pray for everyone that has been through this nightmare.

I pray that reconciliation and restoration happens for every marriage.

I pray for the WS to realize what they have done to their spouses and families.

I pray that the BS can forgive and continue loving.

I pray that if none of the above happens, that God will hold us closer & heal us in order that we may love and be loved again.

So far, God has answered so many of my prayers, it's been freaky. The one prayer he hasn't answered is bringing WS home.

I heard that God is not going to give you something that is not good for you so I pray that he change WS heart and shows him how to come home again.


Posts: 227 | Registered: Dec 2010
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, December 22nd (Thursday)

Praying for all of us today.
Lord grant us strength through these times.
Praying for woundedby2 and her little ones and dad.
Her mother passed away this morning.
Lord lift us, give us strength.

Posts: 7037 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, January 22nd (Sunday)

praying for you guys.

Please pray for me and family, that we get through a difficult time. Specifically if you could pray through psalm 91, aloud, on our behalf, that would be a great gift. I am being led to pray aloud through Scriptures, especially in intercession and I think it does make a difference in some way, even if it is just to strengthen our own faith.

__________________


Let us dwell in the secret place of the Most High and remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand].

Help us to say of You, "He is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God; on Him I lean and rely, and in Him I [confidently] trust!"

Deliver us from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.

Cover us with Your pinions. Under Your wings let us trust and find refuge; Your truth and Your faithfulness are a shield and a buckler.

Let us not be afraid of the terror of the night, nor of the arrow (the evil plots and slanders of the wicked) that flies by day,

Nor of the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor of the destruction and sudden death that surprise and lay waste at noonday.

Even though a thousand may fall at our side, and ten thousand at our right hand, let it not come near us.

You said "Only a spectator shall you be [yourself inaccessible in the secret place of the Most High] as you witness the reward of the wicked."

We believe that and choose to trust you, let us walk in that truth.

We make YOU our refuge, and the Most High our dwelling place,

Let no evil befall us, nor any plague or calamity come near our tent.

Give Your angels [especial] charge over us to accompany and defend and preserve us in all our ways [of obedience and service].

They shall bear us up on their hands, lest we dash our feet against a stone.

Let us tread upon the lion and adder; let us trample the young lion and the serpent underfoot.Guide us in paths of righteousness.

Christ set his love upon the Father, therefore you delivered him; We are in Christ, and now we need your deliverance. Deliver us Father. You have set us on high with Him, let us know and understand Your name [have a personal knowledge of Your mercy, love, and kindness--trust and rely on You, knowing You will never forsake us, no, never]

We call upon You now, answer us quickly for we are distressed; be with us in trouble, deliver us and honor us.

With long life satisfy us and show us Your salvation, your Yeshua. We ask all this in the name of Jesus.

thank you Father. Amen

[This message edited by Maia at 10:43 AM, January 22nd (Sunday)]


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, January 23rd (Monday)

Praying psalm 91 for us today.

http://www.pray-the-scriptures.com/praypsalm91today/praypsalmtoday91html.html


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, January 24th (Tuesday)

Praying for you all.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, January 25th (Wednesday)

praying for the staff of SI and for our families.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
remindme11411
Member
Member # 33058
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, January 25th (Wednesday)

I need some prayers. Things have gotten really bad on my end.


BSO - Me (24)
WSO- Him (28)
13 month old DS
Status - not sure most days

Posts: 327 | Registered: Aug 2011
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, January 26th (Thursday)

remind ...adding you to my list.

praying psalm 91 for us again today. If you have need of help, pray it aloud and then when doubt hits you, say aloud the promises of God that you know. or just say... "god is always working"

it is by these spoken acts of faith that we battle spiritually.

if you are struggling today, let this encourage you.


http://youtu.be/ntd18gxdSGk

[This message edited by Maia at 11:32 AM, January 26th (Thursday)]


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
BrokentoPieces10
New Member
Member # 34662
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, January 30th (Monday)

May I please ask for prayers that I will have the courage to continue on the journey of self recovery, maintain NC, and that I will some day find peace within myself and be able to cope with the damage that I have done and feel like a human being again...

I also would like to ask for prayers for my BH...that he will also find peace within himself, and to not blame himself in any way for the pain that I have caused him. That he will regain his pride and feel like the man he was before he found out about my selfish choices.

My days are hard as hell to get through, but I can't even imagine how hard it is for him.

I just want him to be happy whether that means we will some day be reunited, or that our paths with continue to go separate ways.

Thank you.


WW: (Me) 20
BH: 20
Married: 10/11/2010
D-Day: 1/19/2012 :(
It was a dealbreaker--divorcing..

"After all this has passed, I still will remain. After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain" -The Superchick


Posts: 49 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, January 31st (Tuesday)

Broken, am praying for you and your H. You must forgive yourself.

Praying for us all. Ps 91.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, February 4th (Saturday)

praying


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, February 4th (Saturday)

Sending love and prayers to my SI friends. My heart has been heavy today for all the heartache here. May we heal and be well.


Broken crayons still color.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6988 | Registered: Nov 2011
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, February 6th (Monday)

praying through my list for you guys.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, February 8th (Wednesday)

praying.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, February 9th (Thursday)

A new prayer!! Psalm 17 for us. I think I am going to do them both (91 and 17) for a while.

Hear me, LORD, my plea is just;
listen to my cry.
Hear my prayer—
it does not rise from deceitful lips.
Let my vindication come from you;
may your eyes see what is right.

Though you probe my heart,
though you examine me at night and test me,
you will find that I have planned no evil;
my mouth has not transgressed.
Though people tried to bribe me,
I have kept myself from the ways of the violent
through what your lips have commanded. My steps have held to your paths; my feet have not stumbled.

I call on you, my God, for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer. Show me the wonders of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes.

Keep me as the apple of your eye;
hide me in the shadow of your wings
from the wicked who are out to destroy me, from my mortal enemies who surround me.

They close up their callous hearts,
and their mouths speak with arrogance. They have tracked me down, they now surround me, with eyes alert, to throw me to the ground.

They are like a lion hungry for prey, like a fierce lion crouching in cover.

Rise up, LORD, confront them, bring them down; with your sword rescue me from the wicked. By your hand save me from such people, LORD, from those of this world whose reward is in this life.
May what you have stored up for the wicked fill their bellies; may their children gorge themselves on it, and may there be leftovers for their little ones.

As for me, I will be vindicated and will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, February 15th (Wednesday)

praying for us.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, February 17th (Friday)

praying for us.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, February 28th (Tuesday)

praying.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, March 12th (Monday)

Father,

I just lift up to you the hearts of those gathered here and ask for your spirit to fall and for hope and faith, for love and blessing. I ask for an outpouring of your grace and mercy to stand and for resolution, understanding, clarity and lie. I ask that we might walk in the truth and live in the truth and not be hindered or deceived by lies. I ask for that hedge of protection around us and for your angels to guard all our paths. I ask for joy.

in the name of Jesus

amen

[This message edited by Maia at 8:36 PM, March 12th (Monday)]


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, March 17th (Saturday)

St Patricks Breastplate - for the families here. Praying it now, I hope you will join me.

_______

I bind unto myself today
The strong Name of the Trinity,
By invocation of the same,
The Three in One and One in Three.

I bind this day to me for ever.
By power of faith, Christ's incarnation;
His baptism in the Jordan river;
His death on Cross for my salvation;
His bursting from the spicèd tomb;
His riding up the heavenly way;
His coming at the day of doom;*
I bind unto myself today.

I bind unto myself the power
Of the great love of the cherubim;
The sweet 'well done' in judgment hour,
The service of the seraphim,
Confessors' faith, Apostles' word,
The Patriarchs' prayers, the Prophets' scrolls,
All good deeds done unto the Lord,
And purity of virgin souls.

I bind unto myself today
The virtues of the starlit heaven,
The glorious sun's life-giving ray,
The whiteness of the moon at even,
The flashing of the lightning free,
The whirling wind's tempestuous shocks,
The stable earth, the deep salt sea,
Around the old eternal rocks.

I bind unto myself today
The power of God to hold and lead,
His eye to watch, His might to stay,
His ear to hearken to my need.
The wisdom of my God to teach,
His hand to guide, His shield to ward,
The word of God to give me speech,
His heavenly host to be my guard.

Against the demon snares of sin,
The vice that gives temptation force,
The natural lusts that war within,
The hostile men that mar my course;
Or few or many, far or nigh,
In every place and in all hours,
Against their fierce hostility,
I bind to me these holy powers.

Against all Satan's spells and wiles,
Against false words of heresy,
Against the knowledge that defiles,
Against the heart's idolatry,
Against the wizard's evil craft,
Against the death wound and the burning,
The choking wave and the poisoned shaft,
Protect me, Christ, till Thy returning.

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself the Name,
The strong Name of the Trinity;
By invocation of the same.
The Three in One, and One in Three,
Of Whom all nature hath creation,
Eternal Father, Spirit, Word:
Praise to the Lord of my salvation,
Salvation is of Christ the Lord.

_______________________________________


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)

Prayers for all on SI.
Love you guys.

Here's a site of Christian/inspirational videos I found. Pretty much a cryfest for me. They're good tears.

http://www.godvine.com/Christian-Athlete-Takes-a-Fall-But-Still-Wins-the-Race-378.html


Posts: 7037 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
GoodFaith
Member
Member # 28249
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, March 30th (Friday)

I originally posted this in General forum, but here is a good home.

I came accross this prayer about a year ago. I keep a copy in my wallet. I've often found it helpful to relieve anger, depression, and stress.
But to be honest there's been quite a few times it didn't help - but I found it helped the more I persevered.

Needless to say, I've got it completely memorized by now and have modified it for my situation.

Here's the generic version.

Father I choose to forgive in obedience to you and your word. I forgive (_______) for (_________) and ask you to make that forgiveness real and complete in me as you lift off the layers of hurt. Father give me the strength and willingness to persevere in choosing forgiveness until it is accomplished in me by your Holy power.

Father, I let go of all anger, resentment, bitterness and judgements in my heart. Wash me clean with the blood of Jesus.

Help me to look with compassion on the sinner. Renew a right spirit within me.

Bless those who hurt me. I release them to your care.

I forgive as Jesus forgives me.

In His glorious name, Amen.


BH (me) 51
FWW (CSA)44
3 Kids 17-23
DDay1 - 01/08/08 finaly found proof but still denied all.
DD2 31/08/2009 admited 4 cheats - one total stranger
DD3 20/01/2010 admitted 3 more

Posts: 311 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Ontario
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, March 30th (Friday)

Now that's a beautiful prayer!

I knew right away that I couldn't forgive so I asked him to do it for me.

Pretty cool. He did it. not me.
Praise HIM! not me.


Posts: 7037 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Blindsided37
Member
Member # 25963
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Prayer Changes Things!

It is so true!


WS: Him (62)BS: Me (59)
Married 36 yrs - 2 Grown children
DDay: May 23,09 DDay #2: 9/09
R: Slowly...


Posts: 557 | Registered: Oct 2009
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)

praying for you guys this morning.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, April 8th (Sunday)

Happy Easter. Lifting you all up this morning.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
BoardPearl
Member
Member # 25463
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, April 8th (Sunday)

Dear Lord,

I pray for the people suffering now and you know their heart. You know their plea for help and their pain.

Take away their worries and sorrows and let it give space in their lives. Take it and make it into something good. Something they can deal with in the long run. Something that brings peace to their hearts.

Make them aware of their courage and strength, Lord. So that they can walk through this step by step.

Protect them and stand by them.

I pray for those who are suffering. Who are asking for prayers. Make it known that you protect and want the best for their loved ones.

Amen.


Posts: 1126 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Europe
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, April 9th (Monday)

Father this morning I pray for truth. I pray for truth in the inmost heart in the hearts of the couples represented on this board, I pray that the spirit of truth would come and rest upon them. I pray that they would not deceive themselves or each other in any minute way but that they would see the truth, accept the truth, live in light of the truth and reject deception in all its forms. I ask for truth.

I also ask for grace father. I ask for grace poured out in abundance on the lives and hearts and marriages and children presented here, that it could be both received and extended. That it would be perceived. That it could be accepted and that it would do its transforming work. I ask for grace and truth.
and you know that means I'm asking you to show up. Because you are grace and truth.

and I know that you will. thank you Lord.

amen


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, April 10th (Tuesday)

Help us to hear your voice and obey it, and to love this day.

amen


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, April 10th (Tuesday)

“I WILL PILOT THREE”

“Sometimes, when my faith would falter
And no sun-light I can see;
I just lift mine eyes to Jesus
And I whisper, “Pilot me.”

Often, when my soul is weary
And the days seem, oh, so long.
I just look up to my Pilot
And I hear this blessed song;

Fear thou not, for I’ll be with thee
I will still thy pilot be;
Never mind the tossing billows,
Take my hand and trust in Me.”

When temptations’ round me gather
And I almost lost my way,
Somehow, in the raving tempest,
I can hear my Saviour say,

When I come to Jordan’s river
And its troubled waters see,
On the brink I’ll see my Saviour
And I know He’ll pilot me.

Fear thou not, for I’ll be with thee
I will still thy pilot be;
Never mind the tossing billows,
Take my hand trust in Me.”

Mrs. Emily D. Wilson


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
apeppersmith
Member
Member # 35050
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, April 14th (Saturday)

Lord, with this exhale I release to you my sins. I release my hurt and my fear and my doubt. With my next breath, fill me please with the Holy Spirit. Teach me to be strong and to forgive as you have commanded. Hold my hand and guide me through it until I can do it myself.

Help the other families here. Fill them as well that they may breathe easier and walk more freely in your love and forgiveness. Teach all of us how.

Through you all things are possible, I know that Lord, but help me live it.
Amen


Me- BS 29
Him- WH 29
kids- 5 boy and 3.5 year old old girl.
D-Day August 2010.
TT 4/11/12
M to a rugsweeping pro. "If you hide the dog shit under the rug, the room may look nice but it still smells like shit"

Posts: 293 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Michigan
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, April 16th (Monday)

Father,

I ask for your Life to shine forth today, Your Word and your Spirit, to pour out on each family here and grant mercy and peace, wisdom and hope. I ask this in Jesus name and for his glory,

amen


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, April 17th (Tuesday)

Father in heaven,

I ask for a renewal and a pouring forth of your healing on each family represented here today.

Amen


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, April 24th (Tuesday)

Father, speak to the hearts of those here with the words that they need. Inspire conversations, with you and through you to those they love. Bring your healing.

Amen


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 24th (Tuesday)

Thanks, Maia, for bringing this thread back to page 1.
I carry this little poem in my wallet. It's printed on a laminated card 2" x 3.5".

The Cross in my Pocket
I carry a cross in my pocket
A simple reminder to me
Of the fact that I am a Christian
No matter where I may be.

This little cross is not magic
Nor is it a good luck charm.
It isn't meant to protect me.
From every physical harm.

It's not for identification
For all the world to see.
It's simply an understanding
Between my Savior and me.

When I put my hand in my pocket
To bring out a coin or key.
The cross is there to remind me
Of the price He paid for me.

It reminds me, too, to be thankful
For my blessings day by day
And strive to serve Him better
In all that I do and say.

It's also a daily reminder
Of the peace and comfort I share
With all who know my Master
And give themselves to His care.

So, I carry a cross in my pocket
Reminding no one but me
That Jesus Christ is Lord of my life Him be.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2939 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
lostsuol
Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 12th (Saturday)

Thanks for the prayer support of this forum.

...bringing this thread back to page 1


Posts: 814 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)

Father,

thank you for the encouragement you have poured on me today and for speaking to me about hope.

LORD, speak to the hearts of those desperate wounded souls here who desperately need your mercy and love. And grant your favor and redemption on each family represented here. give provision where it is needed and healing for the wounds.

amen


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, May 27th (Sunday)

Father, please bring healing to the BSs today.
especially to my husband.

let the wounds we have caused them become honor scars, memorials to love and strength and redemption and healing... Not shameful reminders of hate, touchy points of accusation and hidden anger. amen


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, May 29th (Tuesday)

Father,

I don't even know where to begin.

thank you for your mercy.

please help us. I know you see the pain. I claim the mercy and strength you have already provided, for the day. Grant us the grace to receive them.

amen


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, May 31st (Thursday)

Father,

I claim the marriages and families here for your kingdom, your will be done.

Amen


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, June 1st (Friday)

Father, pour forth the Spirit of the Lord let us receive your good news. I proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, release for the oppressed in the mighty name of Jesus.

amen


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, June 3rd (Sunday)

Father, my prayer today is for DS and MH and all of the staff here, that you provide, protect, shelter and guide them in all their ways.

thank you

amen


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
nealos
Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 7th (Saturday)

First, I pray for willingness from my Higher Power (who I will call God).

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change about myself-- my addiction, and the painful consequences of the terrible things I've done.

God, grant me the courage to change the things I can change about myself-- my addictive cycle, maintaining sobriety, focusing my daily decision on important values (empathy, integrity and family), and surrendering resentments to you before they fester.

God, grant me the wisdom to understand the difference between the things I can change and the things I cannot. I can't fix everything that is wrong.

God, help me to remember to talk to you today, tomorrow, the next day, and the day after.

God, help me to love myself.


32yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
nealos
Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, July 15th (Sunday)

God, I pray for help.


32yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
Darkness Falls
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Lord, make my life according to Your will. I have spent almost 31 years trying to make it by my will, thinking that I know better. Help me to give it over to You.

Give us this day our daily bread.

You bless me with so much, Lord. A good job that puts a roof over my head and food in my mouth. The health of my XH and my family. The rebuilding of past hurt relationships and the building of new ones.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

Please forgive me, Lord, for my sins, both grievous and trivial. Forgive me for committing adultery and breaking the most sacred bond You created. Forgive me for all I have done and all I have failed to do. Help me to do better. And help me to forgive others for their negative acts against me. No one is perfect, Lord; no one is without sin. Help me to look on others with the same grace and mercy that You have shown me.

Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Lord, protect and defend me from all temptation that leads to sin, physically as well as in my mind. Help me to stay on the path to goodness, righteousness, willingness to work, patience and virtue.

For the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory are yours, now and forever. Amen.

Amen.


Me: XWS, 33, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 45
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014 on our would-have-been 7th anniversary

Formerly heartbroken0903


Posts: 2553 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Central Florida
nealos
Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 21st (Saturday)

God-- help me to remember to talk to you. to soften me so I trust you. to help me to think to thank you or the good moments and not just ask for help in the challenging ones. to show me the right things to do. to give me to the courage to do what is right.

God-- help me to make the next best decision. help me to not get overwhelmed with what I cannot control. help me to accept life on life's terms

God-- I pray for J. protect her because I can't. allow her to know your will and to find contentment in it. I hope your will brings her joy and happiness.


32yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
MartlArts
Member
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 23rd (Monday)

Wow! The Recovery Prayer (May 2010) really speaks to me. I have been struggling with bitterness & resentment too long. Even though I am blessed with an adoring repentent spouse, I begrudged what little attention he gave to a would-be OW before he backed away from her. When he is complimenting me or stroking my face lovingly, I would find myself wishing SHE could see or hear it. I would dredge up old hurts from my S during the day and focus on bitterness. It doesn't help that I have an almost photographic memory, so I NEVER forget old hurts. But last night I asked God to help me to see things differently, to truly forgive and focus on what matters now. This morning I feel so at peace - still remember all this stuff, but dispassionately and without anger. Praise him! And please pray that this continues. (((Hugs to all)))


excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1015 | Registered: Jul 2012
nealos
Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, August 1st (Wednesday)

God, it's hard for me not to tell you what your will is-- I want to. I want to pray to you for outcomes and to wish my wishes so that they may come true. I want what I want most of the time... and my wants are only going to materialize if what I want happens to coincide with your will.

I'm tired of being disappointed and wrong; I want YOUR will, God. I pray for willingness to have faith in you-- that your will is something I accept without knowing what it is or understanding it. I think that coincides with the serenity I've been taught to pray for-- to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change your will, God. I know that.

I'm concerned about J, God. I want her to heal from my infidelity-- I want her to know peace and confidence and love... I want that to be your will, because that is what I want for her. God, please help calm me and soften me to your will. I can't control this. I want to contact her and try to control everything and make this all better. It's so scary, God... I want to trust you. I pray for willingness to surrender all of my shit, God-- to trust you. Please help me to trust you.


32yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
bloodstream
Member
Member # 32999
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, August 20th (Monday)

I pray for strength in my marriage, Lord. Please help us both make you the center of our lives and marriage. I pray that you provide us resolve to move forward with the true healing that I know only comes from your love and unending grace. We are so unworthy, yet you love us still..... thank you. Thank you for who you are and for all that you do for us.

Amen.


me: heartbroken
him: the one who did it
in R

Posts: 90 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Just South Of There....
nealos
Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, August 21st (Tuesday)

God, please help J. please please please please.... don't let me have ruined her, please. Please give her strength. Please give her peace. Please give her hope for her future relationships. Please, god-- I don't know how else to pray for this. I know you don't grant wishes, but I'm so scared, God. I'm so scared. Is it okay to ask for things for other people, God?... I don't want this for myself. I want her to be better-- if that means moving on from me, then I pray for your will, God. Please watch over her and protect her, because I cannot.


32yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, August 23rd (Thursday)

Father,

thank you for hearing us. Thank you for your promises. You said "if anyone lacks wisdom let him ask of God who gives bountifully and without reproach and it will be given."

Lord, give us wisdom. Show us how to love. Show us how to live. Show us how to overcome our own flesh and to live guided by You and Your heart.

Father provide your Spirit in an outpouring of grace for us this day and let us walk in the freedom you so dearly bought for us. Help us to live in that freedom, unfettered by shame and bitterness and resentment and anguish. Heal us Lord.

grant us your favor and blessing and life, your cunning and your motives, your desires, your truth.

in Jesus name

amen


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
NeverLoseHope
New Member
Member # 36605
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, August 25th (Saturday)

Tonight, as I join this support site as a new member, I will say my prayers here.

Dear God,

My husband is my world, my strength, my hope, my joy, my everything. I pray for him so deeply, with intense love, gratitude, empathy, and hope. I pray for him to find peace, clarity, closure, and faith. I pray that he will open his arms and heart to me and allow me to be there for him, always. I pray for him to have the strength to be patient and to have faith that we can work through this, slowly and hand in hand. I pray that he sees the love and commitment in my heart, the passion and actions to show that he, and our beautiful children, are the commitment that I will always live for, love for, and dedicate all of myself to.

Dear God... I pray for our relationship and strength. I pray we can put faith in each other and make this journey together. I love him with all of my heart.

Thank you, I believe in you, I trust you, and I pray that you believe in me. Amen.


I hit rock bottom... I am determined that my rock bottom will be the solid foundation on which I build my life.

He means everything to me... always has, always will.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2012
nealos
Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, August 30th (Thursday)

God, thank you for helping to keep me focused on you these past few days. I feel stronger because I believe in you, and I believe you hear me when I speak to you... usually :) Letting you back into my life wasn't painful and it was only scary at first-- thank you for your grace and your willingness to let yourself be known by me.


32yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, August 30th (Thursday)

Praying for you (((nealos))) and everyone who is in need. May the Lord bless you all and keep you safe.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9998 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
Maia
Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, August 31st (Friday)

Father thank you, thank you for these dear souls who are seeking life and redemption and compassion and strength. Thank you for this place where You move in your love to help them. Thank you for each family and thank you for the work you are already doing to heal.

Lord I lift up each member right now and ask for your healing love and grace to pour out like a flood.

amen


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, September 2nd (Sunday)

Dear Lord. Please help.


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
nealos
Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, September 3rd (Monday)

God-- relieve me of the bondage of self, so that I may better do thy will. Please guide me from this feeling of uselessness.


32yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
lost2012
Member
Member # 35325
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, September 9th (Sunday)

Sending prayers to all of you on here! I like to pray that your spouses "get struck by lightning" and they realize what they are losing. Can I ask for lots of prayers too? Dday for me was about 6 months ago. He has seen an IC for about a month. He moved out two months ago.He will not go to MC with me. He says he will work on himself. It's my fault he got validation from her, and if he's just a friend in his head, what is wrong with that? You can read my profile, but basically they took our kids out on weekends when I work 12 hours as a nurse, and he called her every day. I'm going out of town for a week and he wants to file for D when I get back. My only hope is that I went to a new counselor this week who suggested that I have him come in and talk to my counselor about how awful I am and how to fix me, and hopefully he can be convinced that it took two. Cuz I'm a crazy nag and I dont let things go and I certainly wont let this go.so it's all my fault.So I know anything can be accomplished through Christ, or Christ just has different plans for me and my children.


Dday- March 1, 2012
M 17 years
EA? 4 years
2 boys ages 10 and 12
Divorced- 12/17/2012

Posts: 121 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 10th (Monday)

Father, allow nealos to feel Your presence, Your compassion and love. Fill nealos with Your wisdom and guidance.

Father, I pray for lost2012 that you lead her according to Your will, that you fill her with comfort and strength and wisdom. Watch over her children and keep them safe and protected. I also pray for her WH, that You open his heart to the truth of his actions and help him face them.

Amen.

--

Can I request prayers too. I'm sort of falling apart anew, worse perhaps than DDay. Long, horrendous panic attacks. Fear of everything that's paralyzingly me.. A WH who's so extremely foggy who's still seeing / talking to OW.. "just friends" but "just friends" don't have fantasies about being married! My heart hurts..figuratively AND literally. I'm lost

[This message edited by justjul at 12:51 PM, September 10th (Monday)]


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, September 15th (Saturday)

I keep getting shattered over and over again. I feel so alone, so lost..


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
crushed again
Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, September 15th (Saturday)

Sending up immediate prayers to Father God for everyone on here. Our God is Soveriegn and YES, He cares.


Permanent S 5/2014 Court hearing (1st of many) Dec 2014 ~I will follow the path the Lord has for me - Faithfully!I'm a happy idiot!!;)

Posts: 723 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!Still dreaming.....
nealos
Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, September 18th (Tuesday)

God, thank you for the insights you've revealed to me these past few weeks. Thank you for the healthy relationships you've opened up in my life. Thank you for not giving up me when I gave up on you.

Please grant me courage to change the things about myself that I can change-- help to swiftly understand your will for me. Soften me to your love... help me find you within.


32yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
ShellyBean2012
Member
Member # 36268
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, September 19th (Wednesday)

Please pray that I will get a full-time job soon. If I don't find FT work soon, I don't know what I'll do.

I'm so scared.


Me: BW (44 yo then); Him: WH (46 yo); No kids
DDay: 6-15-12
M 13.5 yrs; T 14 yrs (at the time)

Onward!


Posts: 225 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: the South
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, September 19th (Wednesday)

Thank you, Father, for sending me messengers to remind me that, yes, You are with me and I am not alone. I needed and continue to need that.

Continue, Lord, to guide nealos, to show him Your will. Let him know Your presence and ever powerful, constant love for him.

Comfort ShellyBean, Father, in this time of uncertainty, because even though we don't know what will happen, You do. You know our needs and You will always, always provide. Open doors of opportunity for her so that she may find a fulltime job, Lord. Bring her into a place where she will not only be a blessing, but receive blessings as well.

Amen.


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
ShellyBean2012
Member
Member # 36268
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, September 19th (Wednesday)

Thank you, Justjul.

Father, I ask that you give us all what we need right when we need it most: your comfort, your forgiveness, your strength, and your protection.

Help me be a blessing to another.


Me: BW (44 yo then); Him: WH (46 yo); No kids
DDay: 6-15-12
M 13.5 yrs; T 14 yrs (at the time)

Onward!


Posts: 225 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: the South
ptsdrecon
Member
Member # 36031
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, September 20th (Thursday)

I pray and pray for God to keep his hand on me. Please add me and my wife and family to your prayers.

I have been in IC since right before DD, and it is helping me to get out a lot of pain and my emotions are all over the map. (Crying, sobbing, laughing, laughing and sobbing at the same time...) I finally said it out loud... She broke my heart. As most of you know, the pain is excruciating. Lord, bless me indeed...

Please pray for my wife. She is struggling and just started IC. She is trying to focus on herself and is facing difficult things. When I broke down last night she said, "Would it be easier for you if I leave?" Not easy for me to hear, but her pain and fear hurt me and add uncertainty...

The OM was supposed to be our friend. That adds to both our hurts... We are not joining intimately either, so please pray for us to be bound together as God intends and when he intends it.

I pray for strength, compassion and Grace for us both... Please lift us up!


Me BH (48)
Her FWW (39 + 1/2)
Married 12+
2 Angels 8 10
D-Day Feb 1 2012
6 month EA PA

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)

Sending a prayer up for everyone here, for continued strength and comfort, for discernment and wisdom, for forgiveness and love.


Would like to add my prayer request for a job, too.


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
windows
Member
Member # 14054
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, September 24th (Monday)

Dear God,
Please help me find our cat. And please tell him I am sorry I made him move....:(. Please keep him safe...Me

Posts: 405 | Registered: Mar 2007
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, September 29th (Saturday)

Windows, did you find your cat? *hugs*


I'm lost again. I'm feeling numb...Had been hoping for some sign... And instead got the opposite. I know it is not to be my will... But I'm feeling lost...I don't know where to go from here.


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday)

The pain is too much, Lord. It's too much.


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
ShellyBean2012
Member
Member # 36268
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 7th (Sunday)

Dear Lord,

Please comfort justjul. Let her rest in the palm of your hand and feel your strength during this rough time.

Lord, please strengthen all of us suffering during our difficult situations. Let us know that you are with us and holding us up as we move forward in our lives.

And please please send me a job with healthcare soon so I can support myself.

I ask for all these things in Jesus' name. Amen.


Me: BW (44 yo then); Him: WH (46 yo); No kids
DDay: 6-15-12
M 13.5 yrs; T 14 yrs (at the time)

Onward!


Posts: 225 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: the South
DontTreadOnMe
Member
Member # 35240
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, October 11th (Thursday)

I'm writing here to request prayer. My wife and I are madhatters. Her DDay was very recent. I'm praying that she is able to heal, and finds forgiveness some day. I'm also praying for help in my recovery from addiction. Thanks fellow SIers.


Me: WH/BH, 27 (addict in recovery)
Her: Lost333, BW/FWW, My DDay: 2/19/12, Hers: 9/29/12

Working on myself through IC, NA meetings, intensive outpatient program, and lots of digging. Praying for R.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
nealos
Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)

god please help me to be patient-- please hep me to trust in your will


32yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
nealos
Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, November 17th (Saturday)

I'm scared, God. I want to surrender my will to you-- please grant me the strength and courage to do that. Please protect and care for J.


32yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
nealos
Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

God please help me make it through today.


32yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

I do believe in the power of prayer. Don't know if anyone is reading this thread, it seems quite old. Please pray for a member whose SA husband raped and beat her. Please pray for her recovery and safety.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Ready_to_run
Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

A prayer going out here, Missy.

Lord please be with this woman in her time of need and let her know that she did nothing to deserve this. Watch over her and keep her safe. SA is such an insidious addiction and excruciatingly painful for the victims. Please help her husband to do whatever it takes to get the help that he needs. Let your will be done, lord, we trust you to make all wrongs right. Amen.


BH
Divorced


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
Darkness Falls
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)

Prayers for all who need them...

Lord, we ask You for Your blessings and help for everyone who needs You. Please wrap all who cry for You in Your arms. Amen.

For Thanksgiving:

"Give thanks unto the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever." Psalm 107.1


Me: XWS, 33, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 45
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014 on our would-have-been 7th anniversary

Formerly heartbroken0903


Posts: 2553 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Central Florida
putonahappyface
Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, November 27th (Tuesday)

Sending up a prayer for everyone who needs a boost today! And asking for prayers that God will send either a CSAT or a great IC to my WH. He is looking & trying so hard, & anyone remotely qualified is gone or fully booked. And I could use some IC too... Thanks, & Blessings to all!


BS (me) - 51; SAWH- 52 (hurtherbadly)
Married 28 yrs
2 DS - 21&17
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: discovered porn addiction
4 years out: M is strong; FWH is a new man :)


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
nealos
Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, December 12th (Wednesday)

Thank you for willingness. I know from my past that I do not have what it takes to do this alone. Thank you thank you thank you.


32yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
nealos
Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, December 26th (Wednesday)

god, I feel disconnected. I know it's my fault. I pray that I recognize your will when you show it to me, and I pray that you remain present in my daily choices.

god, also be with J. If she's sad like I am, I pray that you comfort her. I pray for her happiness-- that has to be your will, right?


32yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
putonahappyface
Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, December 26th (Wednesday)

Nealos~ I just happened to read most of your story/posts in the Wayward forum started by Missing. I can't post there, but I just wanted to tell you that I admire your strength & courage. I'm rooting for you, & I do believe you'll beat this addiction & find peace, joy & happiness again.

My WH's story is so very similar to yours, with a few exceptions. He's on day 42 of his sobriety & 12 step program. He shares your determination to break the chains of his porn addiction, so I find myself cheering for you the same as I am for him. I'm sorry for your sadness. I would just encourage you to focus solely on your recovery & your happiness. Keep working the steps, reading & posting.

I wish my H would write things out the way you do, but it's just not his thing. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that your words have helped someone. Reading them in some way helped me to understand the struggle, the addiction. And when you described the good people at your 12 step mtg, I thought to myself that my H could be one of those people! He IS a good man; you both are. God's forgiveness & grace is available to both of you. Best of luck to you on your journey of healing & recovery. I'll keep you in my prayers. (((Nealos)))


BS (me) - 51; SAWH- 52 (hurtherbadly)
Married 28 yrs
2 DS - 21&17
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: discovered porn addiction
4 years out: M is strong; FWH is a new man :)


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
nealos
Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)

god,
please grant me the courage to stay sober another day.
please grant me the willingness and strength to reach out to when I don't want to.
please be with J and help her today.


32yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)

God thank you for everything that has happened in my life. I would not be who I am if I had not been where I had been.

Please help others here find that acceptance, faith, and peace that you have given me.

Please help me not to forget that every minute is a miracle.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2012
shocked4
Member
Member # 33447
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, January 21st (Monday)

I have not been here for a while, but for the first few months I spent hours upon hours on here. It was exptremely helpful. To find out I was not alone was so comforting. I turned to God out of so much pain. The Lord has taken me on an incredible journey. I do not want to offend anyone. I will say I have been blogging about my experience. In no way do I benefit if anybody reads it. It is from a Christian perspective. I just want to offer it if anyone may find it helpful. The site is free and has an amazing community of believers.

http://www.prayerrequest.com/blog/255-chiltons-blog/

I continue to pray all your wounds be healed and the Lord gives You his strength and guidance.


D-Day August 17, 2011
M-23 years
4 children ages 10-23

Posts: 136 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Ohio
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)

Please be praying for us. I'm scared that I want this more than WH. But most of all I'm scared because WH (former preacher) seems to have lost all faith in God as part of the discovery of the affairs.

I'm so lonely at church each Sunday, wanting him back sitting beside me. I just want him to know how much God loves him.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)

Hugs and prayers sent


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)

Hugs and prayers sent


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2012
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, February 10th (Sunday)

Thank you.

I've had a rough week emotionally, feeling near the end of my tether. Please be praying for us.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
SweetheartVixen
Member
Member # 4956
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, February 12th (Tuesday)

I will pray for you all and hope it is returned back to me also. Ive had an emotionally draining week with severe wmotional abuse which was done to me.


BS/60s WS/60s Divorcing and not soon enough~!
Its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice...

DD 6-14


Posts: 3117 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: somewhere over the rainbow
phoenix_vs
Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, February 17th (Sunday)

Answered prayer: My alcoholic WBF hit bottom three weeks ago. He's been there many times, this time, I had hit bottom, too. He didn't know I have been praying for him for a long time, praying that God will help him become the person He wants him to be. We've been together for ten years, but I was starting to look for a place to move. I couldn't take it anymore.

Long story short, there was a crisis, following which he has stopped drinking, and kept saying "I feel released, like I'm out of prison, I've never felt like this the other times I stopped drinking." It was then I knew that God had delivered him and broken the chains that have bound him for so long. He isn't out of the woods yet, he went for so long without eating that he has lost the ability to walk. He has numerous health problems related to alcohol abuse.

Me, I am exhausted. I pray for God to protect his newly cleansed spirit, and to help him heal, and sometimes I say, "please help him, because I don't feel like it, and I know that You care way more than I do right now."

Even though emotionally, I need to heal as much as he does, I rejoice and thank God for His deliverance. Truly a miracle of answered prayer.

I hope this story of God's power and grace encourages you to keep praying boldly. Take care of yourself, and let God deal with him (or her).

Blessings to all.


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
nealos
Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, March 2nd (Saturday)

thank you, god


32yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
sparklingwater
Member
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

I would like to thank god that my faith has been renewed through this tough time. I am truly humbled to be able to give all of my situation over to him, and allow him to have total control of my life. I have felt at breaking point but he has gently reminded me that he has never left me, but is instead holding me in his arms.

He has blessed me with unexpected finances and miracles. I have learnt that he works in totally unexpected ways, and that when I can't see a way out, he has it all in control.

Thanks be to god for his never ending love.

[This message edited by sparklingwater at 4:25 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)]


Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

After watching the movie Fireproof, there is a parasite in my marriage.

Please pray that the blood of Jesus Christ can prevent satan from overcoming my marriage.

Oh heavenly Father, there are many here who want to do your Will, I pray that you may work in their lives to heal and show them your wisdom. We are waiting on you Lord. Reveal your path for their lives. In Jesus Christ's name. Amen.


Me: 45/WH (SA): 49
M: 26 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce halted

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
girlsbird
Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, April 15th (Monday)

Amen


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
Darkness Falls
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, May 19th (Sunday)

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to people of good will.

We praise You, we bless You, we adore You, we glorify You. We give you thanks for Your great glory.

Lord God, Heavenly King, O God, Almighty Father.

Lord Jesus Christ, Only Begotten Son. Lord God, Lamb of God, Son of the Father. You take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us. You take away the sins of the world, receive our prayer. You are seated at the right hand of the Father, have mercy on us.

For You alone are the Holy One, You alone are the Lord. You alone are the Most High, Jesus Christ. With the Holy Spirit, in the glory of God the Father.

Amen.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 8:05 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]


Me: XWS, 33, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 45
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014 on our would-have-been 7th anniversary

Formerly heartbroken0903


Posts: 2553 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Central Florida
Cyzygy
New Member
Member # 39437
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

I am asking for prayers that the Holy Spirit touch my WH's heart.

Thank you so much.


Me: 37, BS
Him: 39, WH
Married: 6 years, together for 9 years
2 boys, ages 3 & 4, he has a 15yo we never see
DDay: 5/21/13 (OW is a coworker at Walmart...he quit on Dday.)

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Columbus, OH
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:02 AM, August 5th (Monday)

Hi, I'm new to this thread but not SI.
A little background.
Almost 4yrs ago confirmed DD. Suspected for 3yrs I knew ow. I'm pretty sure its PA but since I only found hundreds of texts between them on phone bill, he only admitted to that. 2yrs later I found he's still having daily contact, it never stopped.
Something.is wrong with me because I can't discuss this with him. I'm pretending I don't know. I'm not afraid of him, I just can't go it. I'm watching him spiral into a severe porn addiction now on top of the A. He's looking at hook up sites.I don't know if he's meeting ppl or just looking. I'm watching all this but can't confront him. I know he's going to be embarrassed and ashamed andits really hard for me to see that in anybody. We used to go to church, very involved. He stopped going before A started. I feel like he's going down in flames and I'm just standing there with nothing coming out.of my mouth.
Please pray for me to snap into reality and bring this into the light and out of the dark. I need to find my voice. Please pray for my family because I don't know what's going yo happen to.us. thank you


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5490 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Prayers sent.

I found my voice by having faith.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2012
jk5366
New Member
Member # 39140
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Please pray formula mom, who has a biopsy on the 16th of August. There are crystals in her breast. Wtf. I also found out today that my cohort in crime, she plays bells with me in church, is with hospice now. Her cancer is winning. One more, and I don't want to sound selfish, But pray for my h and I. That We make it through this ea mess. Give me strength to push through.
Thank you.


This sucks.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: MI
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Thank you Chico. It's weird because I do believe and have faith but I sometimes feel like maybe its not my turn yet..idk I've seen the power of prayer but this sich just isn't moving. Maybe Gods waiting for me to.make a move. The thought of bringing this subject up absolutely freezes me. No words will come out.of my mouth. Thanks again


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5490 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
ifinallyfoundme
Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 4:54 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Just wanted to bump this thread and say GOD does hear our prayers. He has given me all that I needed.

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

I think I am addicted to the adrenalin I get from reading the terrible stories at SI. It has been 4 years since H's A and 1 1/2 years since Dday2 over porn. He has quit porn, and is transparent about the A.

I think that reading SI is not helping me anymore, but hindering my progress...but I can't stop! Please pray I can quit, and get my endorphins back in order, so I can begin working on changing myself for the better.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
stillstruggle
New Member
Member # 40406
Default  Posted: 3:49 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

Needing prayer from many sources right now. Been struggling w/my H's recent OEA w/my long-time BFF. I am deeply hurt and betrayed. I no longer want to loathe and blame myself for what happened and pray for RR in our M and not D. I have been having terrible nightmares about being attacked by demons and growling @ myself in the mirror. Please pray that the Lord gives me peace as he fights these battles for me and patience for my H to turn himself around bcuz he is good and He is good and w/prayer my H can change to become the man I so desire him to be: strong, humble, kind and faithful.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

Prayers for all of us!!!


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2012
mixedintherut
Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, August 24th (Saturday)

Prayers for all.

When I first found this point, it disappointed me, that it is so slow. Perhaps I was hoping for more of a religion based thread as opposed to just a prayer thread.

Though I truly believe in the power of prayer, and will be praying for everyone!

Please pray for R for our family. The thought of D and ripping our family apart, is the hardest part in all of this!


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, September 2nd (Monday)

Prayers sent mixedintherut. For you and for all of us.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2012
LonelyBird461
New Member
Member # 40565
Default  Posted: 3:27 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I would like to ask for prayer as I know that only God can reach in to WS heart and melt the stone in there. Only He can covict her of the wrong she has done and open her eyes to truth because she is so wrapped up with the father of lies right now. I would truly appreciate prayer for:

1. My precious children that God would shield their hearts from this hurt and pain and thhat he would show them mercy by drawing near to them.

2. That He would give me strength to seek and follow His will in all that is to come from this day forward. That He would grant me wisdom in how to act and what to say and when.

3. That he would pierce my WW heart and break down her pride that she might be able to admit she was wrong, is wrong and that she is at least willing to try for R.

If you have time, please also pray that I would receive a positive response from the letter I sent her.

Thank you so much! I know there is incredible power in prayer and I intend to lift each of you up as well. May God strengthen each of us, BS and WS alike, to live a life worthy of the calling we have received. We are all sinners and are in need of His abundant grace and mercy.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: LonelyBird461
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

For those who have struggled with maintaining sobriety I pray for you.
I pray that this journey continues as long as you breathe life. You can do it
with God's Grace and Love.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2939 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, September 16th (Monday)

Prayers sent (((lonelybird461)))

(((Looking forward))) I say that same prayer multiple times a day, everyday along with thousands of other people. Thank you!!!


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2012
morethantrying
Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I am 8 months out but could use prayers. He had two/three affairs and I understand all the "reasons" and I "forgive" him but I struggle with "loving' him again...he is doing everything right...why cant't I feel love for his efforts, why do I struggle still after 8 months..God, help me to see the good he is doing and love him afresh. Married 31 years.


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 330 | Registered: Sep 2013
SurelyNOT
Member
Member # 40617
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

Cannot sleep and I am struggling. This weekend is Thanksgiving (Canada) and my WH is coming by and gathering his stuff to officially move in with his ap. He works outta town a lot and will be leaving again on Tuesday morning for another out-of-town stint until mid December. So although he is moving in with her, he won't actually be living with her, because his job is some 4000 miles away. The majority of their relationship is done by text/telephone.
At any rate, I still love him and I want him back, and I am absolutely distraught, how can I pick up the pieces of my shattered life and be a good Mom to our two daughters?
He has discarded us and is not in touch, he has no photos, and has requested none. All is lost, I'm afraid.
I pray regularly myself, but at this moment in time, I really could use others' good intentions.
Please pray for my two daughters, that they can be strong and get through this somewhat unscathed, and be happy. If possible, can someone up above shine a beacon that will illuminate the way for me, I feel so lost and alone.
Prayers to all that need them, and strength to bear this terrible burden. May God Bless us All.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

(((SurelyNOT)))
Prayers sent for you and your family.

And for all of us!!!


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2012
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

((surelynot)) I''m a little late! But I''ve included u in my prayers. Prayers, strength, guidance and wisdom to all here as well


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 15 years
children-3
D-Day Summer 2013

R? D? I don't know...

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 415 | Registered: Aug 2013
SurelyNOT
Member
Member # 40617
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)

^^^^ Thank you so much for your prayers. Rest assured it is NEVER too late for any prayer, I'm afraid I need all the prayers I can get. Boy what a mess, and not of my making.
Your support is appreciated, good luck to you on your journey too.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
Lost15
Member
Member # 40898
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, November 16th (Saturday)

Please pray for myself and DS. For I feel I am going backwards in this. I was in a better place but the last few days have been slipping back into depression. I miss my him so much, at least the man he was. I miss my family. I pray I can be brought out of this again and move forward. I pray that DS finds his way also and starts opening up a little more. I pray that stbxh opens his a heart a little and shows a little remorse, that he stops being so hateful.


me(BS)-34 him(WS)-32 DS-15
Married 15 years
Blindsided with divorce 07-12-13
DD-08-1-13 OW-40ish,married 20 yrs, with 4 kids she abandoned
Divorcing and trying to move one tiny step forward at a time.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Oct 2013
Darkness Falls
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)

Almighty God, please support each and every hurting soul on SI. Help the BS find peace and healing. Help the WS to live a life of integrity. Help those who find themselves single parents, and give them strength in their journey. Help those who are separated or divorced to find peace. Help those who are reconciling to find renewed hope and joy in their marriage or relationship. Help us all further strive for a life "on Earth as it is in heaven."

Amen.


Me: XWS, 33, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 45
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014 on our would-have-been 7th anniversary

Formerly heartbroken0903


Posts: 2553 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Central Florida
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Please pray for WW, daughter and Me and our families who are suffering. Everyone is basically held hostage because of this... My WW and Daughter seem to be doing fine, but my daughter has been acting out more and more. Pray for me that I can heal and be strong and God's will...

I want to reconcile some days and some minutes I just want to move on...


I am the wandering samurai, and I found my freedom...

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
NikkiD
Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Father God, I pray for the spirit of confusion to be lifted from all familes that are affected by infidelity. For we know you operate on absolutes and are the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. We pray that more of you shows up and less of ourselves. That we be able to act and react in a way that is pleasing to thy sight. Lord, we ask for a measure of patience. For you say that those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. So I pray that we can WAIT on you (serve you) while we wait on you (remain patient).

All these things we ask in your son Jesus's name.. AMEN


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Sending with love and thankfulness to MH &DS for creating this site. Thanks to the tools of 'Platinum' and 'Simplicity', this once was lost but now found:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCdZwitrNoY


Posts: 7037 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 6th (Friday)

Bumping for help on General


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 202145 | Registered: May 2002
2ofaKind
New Member
Member # 43576
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)

My first post. D-day was exactly 7 weeks ago (almost to the minute) and if it weren't for the overwhelming pain, I think I'd feel dead.

I'm seriously struggling with my belief/faith in God. Please pray that God will make himself known to me now, that I may begin to heal, for my WW, and especially for my DS--I'm not much good to him right now.

Thank you! I am praying for all here as well.


Me: BH,50, but a youthful 50 :)
Her: WW, 44
Dday: April 30,2014
Dday #2: June 18, 2014

Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)

I too have struggled with my relationship with God because of this. Not God's fault... at all.


I am the wandering samurai, and I found my freedom...

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
2ofaKind
New Member
Member # 43576
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 30th (Monday)

Thanks, LS. It's comforting to know I'm not alone. I'll pray for you and your family.


Me: BH,50, but a youthful 50 :)
Her: WW, 44
Dday: April 30,2014
Dday #2: June 18, 2014

Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
steppingup
Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 1st (Friday)

I too have struggled with my relationship with God because of this. Not God's fault... at all.

No, this has nothing to do with God, it has to do with sin and this fallen world we live in. God does not bring us pain, but when we get into the pain we can grow and heal and be risen from the dead into new life.

He can help us win and become stronger through the experience, God makes a way, God can take on our suffering and help us as we seek Him and cling to Him as we deal with the fallout.

Think about the refining of gold...think about how these trials can refine us into better vessels to do His work on Earth, teaching us to forgive and to be grateful for what we have despite how we are treated. God loved us while we were still sinners. Jesus showed us how to love and forgive, but that does not mean we have to stay in bad relationships which are emotional abusive and defile our agreements. NO! God hates divorse for the wrong reasons, but he allows us to escape bad marriages when we cannot take it.

10 commandments...that was all. One of them was clear about sexual sin within marraige and about keeping the marriage bed pure. When defiled we are not commanded to stay in the marriage, I'm sorry it is not bibilical to say you must stay in a marriage when the spouse is cheating. NOPE and I dont care what the Pope says. It is clear in the Gospels. God bless all that come here.

The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free Luke 4:18

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds - Psalm 147:3

[This message edited by steppingup at 5:17 PM, August 1st (Friday)]


STEP (BS) - too many DDays to count, DDays continue to come - WW is considering D and chasing her dreams.
"Cheating is so rampant it has become a sign of how mentally unwell and immature our society is".

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
hihn
Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, August 11th (Monday)

LostSamurai, In reading your statement of "I too have struggled with my relationship with God because of this. Not God's fault... at all." I have to include myself. I have said & felt things toward my WH that were definitely not of the loving your neighbor nature. Included was the words "I hate you" to my WS. This emotional rollercoaster that infidelity puts us on can Truly be a test of our faith in Christ. For this thing called adultery has been the worst pain I have ever experienced. Though I failed him as a representative of his, he has not failed me. He has promised that nothing can snatch us from his hand and he has kept his word. The fact that we recognize we have struggled with our relationship with God, is


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
hihn
Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, August 11th (Monday)

Oops, I accidentally touched submit on my tablet on the previous message. So to finish, the fact that we recognize were we are struggling with our relationship with God is testimony that we still desire a relationship with God. Perhaps our desire of a relationship with God is God's way of keeping us in his hand. I had asked the lord many times early on "how could you allow a child of yours that loves you to experience such horrible pain? What did I do to you or anyone to deserve this pain?" I know now the answer wasn't what I did to deserve the pain it was what God needed me to do to bring back one of his that was getting pulled farther into the darkness. The OW was well on her way of convincing my WH that god didn't exist. My WH did believe in Jesus prior to her. His faith wasn't big but it was there prior to OW. My WH has said it was my faith that brought him back to Christ. I realize now that even a struggling faith can help another's. I do not give the credit to myself, for I was a stumbler & bumbler, but I give it to God and what he has done to save this marriage. I could tell so much more of what God did to intervene in the dissolution of the marriage, but it would take the space of a small book to write down everything he did. Just want you to know that it wasn't me who wanted to reconcile, WH's adultery & divorce, for me, was a way out of an emotionally abusive relationship. But that wasn't what God wanted & I am glad God had a better plan than mine.


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
ruby44
Member
Member # 41135
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, August 15th (Friday)

Prayers for me and my daughters please, I just do not know where I fit in anymore. I think my WH is out on a business trip which is really a vacation with OW. I have tried to be the wife God wants me to be. He left and I thought we were ok not great but ok and from the airport right before he gets on a plane he sends me a hateful angry text about how worthless I am as a wife. I replied with no anger and told him I would rather discuss this in person or at least not via text. No reply. He is coming back on Tuesday night and I just do not know what to do. Please pray for me that God will give me the wisdom to say and do the "right" thing. I feel like I am in a dark cavern and do not know which way to go.
Thank you. I pray for all of you too and that God will give us the strength to get through this.


Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home.

Posts: 277 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
Lally
Member
Member # 43116
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, August 17th (Sunday)

Ruby, I'm so sorry. It is probably easier for him to justify the vacation if you are a horrible person and a bad wife in his mind. You know the truth and so does God. Don't let the enemy use your husband to tear you down. He is in a state of confusion right now. You are a child of God and because of that have a place to turn that will provide protection and comfort.
I will be praying for you and every hurting heart on here, including mine! We didn't deserve all of this hurt. It will not define who we are! He is our rock and fortress. Do not forget that!


Me: BW (45)
Him: WS (40), sober since DDay2
Married 10 years, DS(8)
DDay 1: 12/20/13
TT until DD 2: 7/18/14

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2014
ruby44
Member
Member # 41135
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 17th (Sunday)

Thank you Lally, I need so many prayers, sometimes the rage I feel consumes me and it is hard to even pray. To know that there are others to pray for me when I can't is comforting. I hope that my prayers for all of us bring someone comfort and peace. May God have mercy on us all, way wards betrayed and affair partners alike.


Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home.

Posts: 277 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
healingjourney
Member
Member # 44277
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

I have been praying a novena to St Rita for the healing of my marriage. A novena is a prayer that is said for 9 days and is usually done as a request for a special grace in time of suffering. The philosophy is that a saint can "intercede" with God on your request and that one may feel more comfortable praying to a saint as they lived a human existence and can offer understanding to your particular situation.

St Rita endured a difficult marriage.

Link to the novena.

http://www.stritabrooklyn.com/NovenaStRita.htm

I already feel I am being helped by this! Hope it helps others!


Me: WW
Him: BH
D-Day: Jul 3, 2014
In MC and IC, hoping for R

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jul 2014
Neznayou
Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, September 4th (Thursday)

By the time I found BlakeSteele's prayer list in the Reconciliation forum, it had been locked. But, I'd still like to respond to it, if I may.

I grew up going to church but didn't really feel a deep, abiding relationship to God, just a superficial connection to some of the people I met there (I thought it was deep and abiding, but not really). However, those people didn't have problems. Everything was fine. No problems. That community attitude contributed to the difficulties I had opening up to individuals and being able to say "I'm not okay."

I started veering away from church-going when I was in college. I spent many years weaving in and out of dedication. The last time I attend a service was Mother's Day 2012 (check my tagline; a connection?) I haven't really looked back.

However, part of what exacerbates the church/ God thing for me is the fact that when I broke down sobbing at my AP's house (before we had intercourse, but after we'd come too close to it), instead of sending me home to my BH, instead of sending me to a counselor, instead of recognizing that I was really messed up, he prayed for me! (And continued to be a willing participant) Even at the time, that prayer felt like a hypocritical farce on both our parts. Nothing about him or his lifestyle indicated a religious ideology. I was married; he was living with his girlfriend. And he thought God would listen?! I remember telling him that I was pretty sure God didn't even know who I was anymore.

That's the long walk off of a short pier. The funny thing is that, even considering all this, when I read the list of names on BlakeSteele's original post, I was looking for my name or my BH's name. I'm going to be left pondering why that is for a while.

Thanks for letting me butt in.

[This message edited by Neznayou at 6:40 AM, September 4th (Thursday)]


Me: WW (now 42)
Married: 9 Apr 1994
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

Learning.


Posts: 496 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Germany
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, September 4th (Thursday)

Hi,

This is the first time in the ICR forum...was pointed here through a mis-step of mine as I posted a prayer list in R forum. Didn't intentionally violate the rules of SI but I see that I have.

SI has been a benefit to me over the past 2 years...but the driving reason behind most of my change and continued efforts in restoring our marriage is.....God.

I did life and marriage my way for 30 years....which jived with how much of society does life and marriage.

Neznayou....I have added you both to my prayer list. I sooooo here you when you wrote "I'm not okay." and how you wanted to say that to folks around you....but was simply not done.

Wife and I have spent decades hiding from ourselves...specifically our feelings and the reality that real pain exists in our lives....some serious, traumatic level pain occured in our formative years.


Impossible to be authentic with others when you aren't first authentic with yourself. But to do so is VERY humbling and often PAINFUL!

Have learned that pain does NOT equal unhealthy.

Rejoice in all things.

Still working on that...but am growing towards that.


Having an AP pray is odd...but makes perfect sense in this spiritual battle. Satan loves confusion and uses temptation to keep you confused.

He didn't order Eve to bite the apple....he simply asked "Did God really tell you not to eat that fruit?" He brought doubt (confusion) into her mind and she did not rebuke it...did not fact seek. She gave into her feelings and used them to direct her actions.

I did this by choosing to use porn.....the many lies I believed, often in line with society's view on porn, helped me do what my selfish desire tempted me to do.

My wife choosing adultery.....the many lies she told and believed, tying into the "happiness is a goal" societal lie, helped her do what her selfish desires tempted her to do.


I have lived in fear since age 12. Didn't fully realize it but coping skills are often developed out of fear and ones need to protect themselves. They are useful for short periods of time...like the body going into shock after a physical injury...but are no way to live a healthy life.

God does not give us a spirit of fear. He gives us a spirit of love, power and self-discipline.

Love--agape love...not eros love (romantic, emotional love. Though certainly that should be a part of a healthy marriage)

Power--free will. We have the power to choose.

Self-discipline. God gave us feelings and emotions for a reason...but He also calls us to be obedient to him...and that takes self-discipline. We must not give into selfish desires.


This is some sort of battle.

But I now realize our M was under attack from the moment we got engaged. Satan hates M and family...he wants us to be isolated and alone so that he may pick us off one by one.

God hates D....He created M and family to do exactly what satan hates, for us to have a strong unit from which to make our way through this broken world. Refining and maturing as we do....eventually being redeemed and called home to Heaven. He does not expect us to be perfect before we are saved....Jesus did that work for us.

I pray Gods will be done. I pray I have the courage to be obedient to that prayer, realizing it requires me to mature past my selfish desires. I think this is what is meant, in part, when it is said we are to "die to self in order to live".

I am such a work in progress......


Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:03 AM, September 4th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, September 4th (Thursday)

Blakesteele,

Thank you so much for your encouraging words! I still have chills that last night when I was so discouraged I opened up SI right to your thread. So, I personally am glad for the "mistake" on where it was posted or I wouldn't have seen it! Divine intervention? I think so!

I shared your thought with my FWH and he was touched. He isn't actually on SI, but I read things to him. I really admire people who overcome addictions/challenges/obstacles. I too believe it is through Him that we truly change and heal.

FWH is sorry today, taking responsibility and recommitting to doing the work. He does have the tools he needs and knows the key is USING them!

I so appreciate the prayers coming our way! God IS with us!
Take care


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 520 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
MovingUpward
Member
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, September 4th (Thursday)

Posting as a member

God hates D....He created M and family to do exactly what satan hates, for us to have a strong unit from which to make our way through this broken world.

I hate D too, but sometimes it is the only option. I had to have a talk with my pastor about this very idea. My pastor and I agree that God's idea of marriage is ideal, but what does one do when their spouse is an addict or an abuser. After 2 years my mental state could no longer take the abuse of my spouse and her continued cheating. It was preventing me from other decrees of God like to love His children. I needed to D for me and for my children. I do feel like a failure for having to do so but I know I work hard daily to love His children.

D shouldn't be a flippant choice but after continued trying and failure and searching your soul and discussing with your pastor you might find that the only choice left.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 54209 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, September 4th (Thursday)

I don't believe in coincidences. I honestly thought posting my prayer list in R was appropriate as was my offer to add folks to it and ask that they pray for the folks on it as they feel moved.

I messed up, I think, when I answered a fellow SI members question in too much detail and in "debate form".

My IC and I have discussed SI activity in length. The secular nature of it has been a concern for her....and has become one for me as well. Plus, believe it or not, I am turning towards gracerunner withore and more courage!

Regardless.....keep going Pinkjeeplady and mr Pinkjeeplady! It is so freeing to NOT habitually use it...to break the addiction. It was bondage....like all sin.

MovingUpward....did not mean to leave the impression that you stay M at all cost. God does NOT expect that of us. In fact, adultery is very specifically recognized as a sin that God takes note of and IS biblical grounds for D.

In addition....as I understand it....if any of the 4 deadly A's are present in your M you are called to take strong action to guard your heart. Addiction, Abuse, Adultery, Abandonment.

Could be a separation but could be D too.

I have clear guidance NOW. For those of you who don't know my journey....it took me 6 months to find righteous anger. So I am far from spiritually mature.

The 4 deadly A's.......that was some keystone turning points in my journey. It does NOT please or honor God when we remain in such relationships. We are called to action....not to be doormats that lay there....I don't think that is what iseany when He says "be still and know that I am God".

Abuse.......that has been a topic of late in IC. Both in my childhood and in my M. My CoD tendencies jack with the interpretation/ definition/ ability to recognize abuse.

Example: my self as a child involved in a hands on sex talk with my parents was "weird".....but I put any other kid in that sitch and it is clearly abuse. I still struggle with saying I experienced abuse that day....but my therapist is strongly calling it that.

A work in progress.....

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, September 5th (Friday)

The journey of infidelity is a journey I never thought I would know, let alone travel. My prayer life has always "been there" but more as a "request" line of praying. For example: keep my kids safe away at college, help my kids find their way, for my husbands business etc...
I have been blessed with people in my life, my own father and my father in law who were TRULY deeply spiritual people. Their faith was more than just praying and attending daily mass...they actually lived their faith, especially my father in law. He was more about living his faith not the BUISNESS of religion...he loved his family no matter what...he showed me time and time again what true forgiveness looked like.
During the time of the affair when I could not figure out what on earth was happening to my husband and using every excuse for his new changed behavior I started reading little daily retreats...they were sweet and a nice way to start my day...then post dday I discovered Richard Rohr...I did not want to like this priest...he used "big" words : ) and challenged my thinking CONSTANTLY....his daily devotions have made me look at things differently....and that has turned out to be a good thing.
This week has been more about living in the present... I would like to share the last paragraph of todays devotional.

"Non-dual consciousness is about being present to the Presence of God in yourself and beyond yourself too. Presence is an experience, not just an idea in the mind. In fact, the mind of itself cannot be present (take my word for that!). The mind can only reprocess the past, judge the present, and worry about the future. Only some form of meditation will teach you how to move from an egocentric, fear-based life to a love-based life. Instead of splitting and dividing up Reality according to your preferences, you are able to see and enjoy everything that is—and as it is."

on a side not...thank you blakesteele for your "misstep" and thank you SI for being here and giving us all a "safe place to land"

peace


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 881 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, September 5th (Friday)

I didn't know this post existed until today. I have read through some of the ways God has answered prayers in here and am so encouraged. This is one of those days that SI has brought a smile to my face.

I have been praying for many of you since I first joined SI in May of this year. BlakeSteele, you have been such an inspiration to so many of us. I hope you know that. God has used you in mighty ways on SI. I loved that last post you started in the R section and am honored that I am among those you are praying for.

God has worked miraculously in my life and I covet prayer.

In 2006, 5 years after having gone through treatment for Stage 3 breast cancer, we found out that the cancer had metastasized to my liver. My doctor put my survival rate at 1%. The first thing my husband and I did was to call our Pastor and ask for prayer. Before we knew it, a series of miracles unfolded. A friend lit a candle in a bag with my name on it during a cancer walk. She said there were thousands of candles and in the morning, only one was still burning: mine. Another friend had some holy oil from Russia that she knew had dried out because she had tried to anoint her son with it. She didn't even know what we were going through when God told her to anoint me with the oil. She argued with Him, but when she checked the oil, it had not only regenerated, but it had an incredible myrhh-like fragrance. The miracles went on and on like this until and including the day of my full body PET scan, which was going to show us "where else the cancer had spread". Not only did the scan show no cancer anywhere "else", but the tumor on my liver was gone!

I don't know why God chose to spare my life. But He has given me a very special gift - the gift of undying faith in Him and in His power to heal.

I had been praying - hard - for 5 of the 6 years of my FWH's A - that God would heal our marriage. I had no clue that my H was being unfaithful, but our marriage had become miserable. On Dday, another miracle occurred. It was like blinders fell off of H's eyes (that's how he describes it). He became a new man and is growing closer to God and to me every day. He is the man I fell in love with all over again. He feels nothing but disgust for what he did to our family - once he ended it with her, there was no regret and no looking back.

Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world and it has not been all roses and sunshine. OW made my life miserable with her texts and reminders of how much my H once loved her. And we recently discovered she has a couple of serious STD's that she passed on to my H and now to me. So, yes, we can use prayer. I guess every one of us here can really use prayer - each and every day.

Please know that you are in my heart and in my prayers. God bless you all!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, September 5th (Friday)

Thanks for the devotional hopefull77.

Have been spending some time on not being "double minded"...was a talking point at this weeks bible study, as was the real call to self-discipline.

Moving away from egocentric? I also have studied "pride" and how it affected my life. I thought sinc I was not a boastful man I was not prideful. I was wrong. I see, in my life anyway, a tie between pride and insecurity. Sucky to see....but its the truth.

Example: I fancy myself a good public speaker. Have addressed large crowds at national conferences....therefore I thought of myself as a very confident man. This journey has revealed to me that I am not as I thought nor as I projected. But its not that simple....because I DO have confidence, but also have insecurities.

What I am learning to accept is that God loves me as I am while knowing my potential. This trial has pushed me passed any preconcieved "limitations" I held fast to before. Weeks without sex? Done. Anger towards my wife? Done. 30 year habit\addiction broken? Done. Showing vulnerablity to others? Done. Pain and contentment co-existing? Done. Been hurt deeply and survived? Done.

My list is extensive...those are just some of the biggies. The fact I had 30 years to move past those limitiations and into new-to-me areas is my proof that God exists and loves me....because I have not done this on my own. Just. NO. Way.

I have shown what I alone am capable of...and it falls well short of what God has planned for me.

Alone. Isolated. A dreadful spot to exist in...but one that my own choices were keeping me in! Crazy, isn't it?

I find it interesting your WH comes from a home where true righteous living was demonstrated. Being able to observe a person who can view the world objectively and respond stabily (my preferred definition of "wisdom").

Was your father in law always living this way? Or did he have a "moment of faith" of his own?

Our FOO were noticeably lacking of healthy role models...and our fathers were pretty much no where to be found after our respective parents D.


This confirms what I have studied....regardless of your past you have free will and you can choose to do better. Your past need not define you....allow your choices of today to display how your past affects and influences you. And this is what God calls us to do....keep looking up, keep going. Satan loves to remind us of our past, make us question our own potential in hopes that we never reach more than what we have in our past.

Here is to living in the present, which includes plenty of hope for our future.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:03 AM, September 5th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, September 5th (Friday)

I didn't know this post existed until today.

I didn't know it existed either until the moderator let me know about it.

Truthfully....for the first year on SI I was only brave enough to go into the JFO and R forums. The others were just too scary! Then, once I was a little over a year into this I avoided the JFO because I saw posts that reminded me of how I reacted upon my first couple of DD's....dreadful choices were made by me back then, so niave and full of CoD choices that I believed were "loving".

So, see? it all works out as it is planned.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, September 5th (Friday)

Blakesteele
my father had a come to Jesus moment in the 40's when my oldest sister had polio....he promised daily mass and she came home unscathed by the disease....then I was born in 55 and both parents were 46 and 49....then in 61 my middle sister died at 25 of a brain tumor....
he loved his faith and told me one cant get through life without it...
My father in law was just SPECIAL.....he was a huge example for my kids on what spirituality really means...not just being a Catholic....
my mother in law though was a by the book Catholic...she reminded me of all those stern nuns I had in grammar school....But the 'pleaser' in me won her over just like I won a lot of those nuns from school days...
my husband was and IS a man of faith....yes he lost his way big time but like needsfriends said on dday he was open to healing and has said without God we wouldn't be where we are today.....
the return of the prodigal son was pivotal for my own healing. I made one request of my husband and that was to go to confession....he wasn't thrilled but he did and thanked me all over the place for encouraging him....
He even went again this past Easter season.....
anyway don't mean this to be rambling but I tried to give a bit of history....
peace!!!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 881 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, September 6th (Saturday)

Thanks for sharing.

Reading The Return of the Prodigal Son was very enlightening. I believe you suggested that to me. I passed it on to my Mom....affected her deeply too.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, September 7th (Sunday)

I am going to spend another day praying and fasting - tomorrow, the 8th. I will pray for everyone I prayed for last time and for anyone else who would like some prayer from SI.

I hope you are all doing well. I know that the cross we have had to bear seems very heavy at times. But I know there will be better days ahead.

Hugs to you all!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Lally
Member
Member # 43116
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, September 7th (Sunday)

I just wanted to recommend a book that I believe has really been helpful for us. It's called The Power of a Praying Marriage by Stormie Omartian. I have been using it as a template to pray over some of the difficulties that we have been having. I am definitely seeing some changes in my marriage. Hope somebody else finds it as helpful as I have.
Peace and blessings to all.


Me: BW (45)
Him: WS (40), sober since DDay2
Married 10 years, DS(8)
DDay 1: 12/20/13
TT until DD 2: 7/18/14

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, September 8th (Monday)

To help me spiritually grow my pastor recommends "flash fasting". When a song comes on the radio I like...turn it off and spend that 3 minutes visiting with God. That last bite of a granola bar? Pitch it and spend time with God.

I know this sounds simple...but it has helped me get into the God habit that is working in my life. Small things add up too.

A longer fast is very beneficial...done both food fasting and a 7 week sex fast.

Thanks for the book recommendation....looking into it.

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, September 8th (Monday)

I like the idea of flash fasting - yes, the little prayer times add up. Just like the little times we spend with those we love add up. God wants to have a relationship with us and I think it brings Him much joy when you turn off a song to pray to Him or throw aside that granola bar to spend time with Him.

Today I spent my morning and much of the afternoon praying - for our church, my family and friends who are hurting or who need the Lord, and for many of you. I will do this once a month - at least. Today I prayed for the following people from SI several times:

Crushed15Feb13; Seethelight; Janus2014;
Skan; Befuddledhubbie; LumpyLola;
Devastated30; Brokenheartedwif; Fromthisdayforward; Blakesteele; LA44;
PeacebeMine; Yme; Soconfusednow; Swat70;
SoSorry17; Hurt2Deeply; Amazingatlast;
Hopeful77; Karmahappens; Ostrich80;
It'sAClimb; Bionicgal; Olwen; Trulysad;
Isthismynewlife; Heartbrokenlady;
Justinpaintoday; bigupz32; Lark; and
Tushnurse.

If you would like to be added to this prayer list, please let me know.

Hugs to you all!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 8th (Monday)

Please add my wife, gracerunner, to your list.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 8th (Monday)

I just did and said a prayer for her and for your marriage.

Your sister in Christ


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Brentwood
Member
Member # 27465
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, September 8th (Monday)

Blake, now I know why your signature line says you don't PM female members. And I'm glad to know its because of the boundaries your religious faith has given you. I never realized how destructive even an innocent internet exchange could hurt in the wake of infidelity. So kudos to you for living your truth.

Please add me to your prayer list. What a wonderful thing that is. A few years ago I got baptized and accepted Jesus as my savior. A pretty big deal since I grew up catholic, but I truly was called to do it. Like you, I don't believe in coincidences. It's all Him. Thanks for the thread.


Me BW (59) What?!?!
Him BH (59)
Dday 1 11/08
TT since then
Divorcing...finally

Posts: 232 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: S. California
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, September 8th (Monday)

Brentwood, may I add you to my prayer list as well? It is always refreshing to meet another "sibling" in the Lord here.

P.S. I also respect Blakesteele for not PM'ing female members of SI. The way I feel about married people texting is, if your spouse wouldn't want you to be texting that person, don't.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, September 8th (Monday)

Ooops! Duplicate post...

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 3:44 PM, September 8th (Monday)]


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, September 8th (Monday)

And I'm glad to know its because of the boundaries your religious faith has given you.

I had that boundary in place all of my marriage, predating my walking with God...only recently do I understand how it ties into how God designed marriage. Unfortunately, this was one of very few boundaries I had in place.

I have been aware of my temptations and have kept them in check....or so I firmly believed. My use of porn shows a considerable lack of boundaries (and lack of self-discipline). My choices hurt my relationship with God as well as deeply wounded my wife. Like my wife, I believed lies in order to make it "okay" for me to choose sin.

Fortunately, I have today to do better...choose differently. And I will stumble again...but even stumbles CAN result in forward growth.

Temptations are all around....this is part of living in a broken world. And some of those temptations are very very subtle in nature.

When I get a PM from a female member...it often starts with "I know you have boundaries BUT....". I don't think they mean any harm or realize the temptation they are presenting or entering into....but it is real and dangerous.

My wife NOW realizes just how committed she was to following through on adultery almost from the begining...but before the actual physical act took place she believed many lies and discounted any and all the flags that were waving. While her A took off and reached physical interactions quickly....I DO believe it started with the same "I know adultery is wrong BUT.....". (i'm not going to do that, we are just friends, see him just one more time, forget about him for a week and see if my husband can fullfill me, etc.)

Shocking...but once my wife chose adultery and I was able to process what just took place (6 months after DD), a RA was a REAL option in my mind. Yep. I know, its dreadful isnt it?

I read The Return of the Prodigal Son. In the part that detailed the son that stayed home and tended the fathers farm while the prodigal son lived a selfish life and squandered his share of the family inheritance, this quote resonated with me.

"And all of my life I have harbored a strange curiosity for the disobedient life that I myself didn't dare live, but which I saw being lived by many around me. It is strange to say this, but, deep in my heart, I have known the feeling of envy toward the wayward son."

Not great to admit, but this is a real truth within me. I have been the "responsible one"...the one to always prepare for the future and delay gratification in doing so. (porn = instant gratification...but I believed many lies to not even investigate what that was doing in my life, to my wife and marriage.)

Don't get me wrong....I am forever grateful I had that boundary with other women for as long as I have....but my motivation lacked the "fullness" it required to be healthy. KWIM?

And this is why I have to have that boundary....now more than ever.


Felt like I needed to clarify before others built me up to more than I am.


Humility....I need that to learn new things.

I do appreciate the kind words...just want to be authentic. Pretty new concept to me really.

God is with us all.

This is a serious trial. Satan WANTS me to be tempted and then choose to give into that temptation.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, September 8th (Monday)

I would really, really appreciate prayer. I am stuck in my healing because of the OC. I am struggling with knowing that there is a life that came from my WHs adultery... a life that was never SUPPOSED to be, but now is. I feel betrayed by God. I feel that God blessed the OW with a child and I got herpes. I am struggling with being able to pray at all lately, and I am in a dark place I can't seem to get out of.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jul 2013
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, September 8th (Monday)

Plainpain, I am praying and will continue to pray for you.

Please know that God did not bless OW with a child. Nor did he give you herpes. What God did give us - all - is free will. And with that, many of us make choices that have painful consequences - like a child conceived outside of wedlock and STD's. We live in a fallen world and the consequences of sin are death and all of its friends. God is the One who can comfort you in spite of the mess we make of this world. With God, there is freedom from the pain of this world. Don't turn away from Him - turn to Him. He is amazing. Please read my "story" - about 16 entries or so behind this one. God is unbelievably wonderful!

(((plainpain)))

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 7:36 PM, September 8th (Monday)]


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, September 8th (Monday)

Covering you In prayer Plainpain. May you feel Gods love in the gentle words of strangers.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 7000 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, September 8th (Monday)

My husband and I spent a lovely few hours yesterday at a local retreat house.....lots of quiet places....we packed a lunch and a half a bottle of wine!!!!! We read Richard Rohr ....he is all about CONTEMPLATIVE prayer.....being still.....its working.....
prayer works....
PRODIGAL SON.....a book that is profound for me...written by a broken man.....I have no doubt that Henri Nowen is in heaven....happy....because he knows forgiveness....
I would love to be on everyones prayer list....you are all on mine....
Peace


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 881 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 8th (Monday)

Keep the faith Plainpain....you are prayed for daily.

I know you are in a dark spot. I am really sorry to know that. If it helps sometimes my prayer is just "thank you" repeated over and over....it is a trial of trial and it is a serious struggle.

God knows this. His love is unconditional. He is not punishing us. He hurts when we hurt but He does not forsake us when we stumble.

Keep posting....do whatever you can to avoid being isolated. There is strength in numbers.

Peace, my friend.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:34 PM, September 8th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, September 9th (Tuesday)

Hopeful77, yes! Contemplative prayer does work. God has taught me to be still and listen and it has been wonderful.

And Blakesteele, you say you repeat "thank you" over and over. That is similar to what I do. I will repeat variations of "Lord have mercy" until I get to a still, quiet place where I wait on Him.

Because we are all united by the one Holy Spirit that is in each of us and that is part of the triune God, when we pray, that Spirit works through us individually and corporately. For that reason, group prayer is downright powerful.

I hope your week has been good so far. Mine has been pretty frustrating as OW keeps launching her attacks - now in very subtle yet hurtful ways. I haven't been able to sleep in a couple of days and am so tired. If she was only out to hurt me, I could handle that, but she has now cast a pretty wide net. Can REALLY use prayer!

Hugs and blessings to you all!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Brentwood
Member
Member # 27465
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, September 9th (Tuesday)

I love this thread. I read through a lot of the forums and it's such a wonderful community of friendship and support. I am always sensitive to others beliefs and although I want to post sometimes about how I think prayer would serve them well, I don't because it's not the proper forum. That's why this one is so great.

I love the story of how I came to accept Him. It truly was as if Jesus had his arm around my shoulder on that morning. It was the experience of a lifetime. And none of it would have happened if my WH hadn't cheated and I wasn't in such a horrible place. God waited patiently for me to accept Him and once I did He showed me love like I've never felt before.

Thanks again for this forum where I can freely express just how much His power means to me.


Me BW (59) What?!?!
Him BH (59)
Dday 1 11/08
TT since then
Divorcing...finally

Posts: 232 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: S. California
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, September 9th (Tuesday)

Needfriends here thank you for the prayers.

(((Plainpain))
You are in my prayers. Below helped me tremendously. I will go through it again when I finish the devotional I'm currently doing. I have trouble journaling and there is room for that in the workbook.

I hope I'm not breaking any rules by including links where there is more information about these books.

Godly Whispers: A 90-Day Devotional to Help you Recover From Your Spouses Affair

Marsha Rozalski (Author)
http://www.amazon.com/Godly-Whispers-Devotional-Recover-Spouses/dp/0615306497

Godly Whispers The Work Book- Marsha Rozalsi (Author)
http://www.amazon.com/Godly-Whispers-Workbook-Marsha-Rozalski/dp/061536781X


NIV Real-Life Devotional Bible for Women: Insights for Everyday Life -Lisa Terkeurst

http://www.amazon.com/NIV-Real-Life-Devotional-Bible-Women/dp/0310439361


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, September 10th (Wednesday)

I am about to read a book called Boundaries (the one for married couples). Has anyone here read it or heard of it?

What particularly attracted me to it was the fact that the only negative reviews the book got was that there were too many Biblical references. Not a bad thing, IMO...


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, September 10th (Wednesday)

I read it after it was recommended by a Christian IC before I knew of the affair. I recommend it a lot here.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 7000 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, September 10th (Wednesday)

Duplicate oops

[This message edited by Pentup at 9:11 PM, September 10th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 7000 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Glassgirl13
Member
Member # 44702
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, September 10th (Wednesday)

Boundaries is great for anyone struggling with co-dependent behaviors. And honestly, who doesn't at times?


His DDay: 11/05 when I confessed my '02 affair
My DDays: 4/17/14, 4/21/14 (SAs and EAs)
Kiddos: 10 and 8

Not in limbo any more. He wants a divorce. Or maybe not.

Chin up, eyes ahead, one foot in front of the other.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2014
Glassgirl13
Member
Member # 44702
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, September 10th (Wednesday)

I'd love for you all to pray for me, my husband and children. I haven't introduced myself here, still trying to figure out where I belong and how to get involved. I had an affair earlier in our marriage. Now 17 years out I found out he's been having an affair for the past two years, including a brief two-night stand? and sexting, which is what got him caught. He's been miserable apparently since I confessed my affair to him about nine years ago. He says he thought he could put it behind him but refused to discuss it or get counseling and the bitterness just grew. Initially he said he wanted a divorce but came back and said he was willing to say it wasn't over yet, but moved out immediately. Dday was April 17 for the sexting (I got a call from the woman's husband) and April 21 when I was looking up phone calls between him and the other woman to confirm for her husband and realized he was on the phone much more with another woman, a few actually but the others were "just" friends he could spend hours talking with instead of with me.

We've been in IC and did MC a few times but really just to deal with the details of the infidelity and make a separation agreement, not to discuss our marriage. I looked at the internet history on his computer today and saw that he'd looked up information on divorce in our state. Right after my son's birthday party last weekend. I'm losing hope, which is such a painful place to be. I'm afraid he's let the bitterness and hurt eat him alive and he won't be able to recover from it, at least not until years down the road when we've both moved on.

My heart is breaking for what I've done to him and ultimately our children although they weren't around yet, what he's done, what he didn't/wouldn't do and for the immense hurt this will cause our children.


His DDay: 11/05 when I confessed my '02 affair
My DDays: 4/17/14, 4/21/14 (SAs and EAs)
Kiddos: 10 and 8

Not in limbo any more. He wants a divorce. Or maybe not.

Chin up, eyes ahead, one foot in front of the other.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, September 11th (Thursday)

And honestly, who doesn't at times?

Wise words.

Boundaries In Marriage....a must read for all married people. Start there first. The Boundaries book (original) is good, but the one for Marriage is awesome!

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:47 AM, September 11th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, September 11th (Thursday)

Glassgirl13...you are on my prayer list now.

Thanks for posting....it is important to validate your feelings. My wife and I for too long invalidated our own feelings...holding many of them in, to ourselves, and thinking we were "dealing with them". When you do that your spouse has ZERO chance of validating them.

Couple of tidbits that have helped me out.

"Feelings are always buried alive...and require daily feedings."

"Feelings are like children. You don't want them driving the car but you can't lock them in the trunk either."

My wife had an EA while we were engaged. I caught it, she retracted, I did like your husband did....buried my feelings, ignored the pain, and figured I could get past it. Get past it by hardly looking at it, let alone any real work. Yeah, its immature and ignorant NOW...but at the time it was as good as I could do. My wife did what she could do to.

My wifes affair of 2 years ago was our chance to choose differently.

It sucks...its ingredibly painful....its scary....but it is the only way to process through this. Doing anything else is not an option.

I pray our M survives. Regardless, I know the changes I have made and will have to make are necessary. There is no question in my mind if I D upon my first DD, found a cute young adoring girl to date I would have most certainly repeated a destructive cycle.

"You must feel to heal."

It is only through this painful trial that I have met and comforted deeply wounded parts of myself. Wounds that were NOT a factor of my M to my wife, but wounds that I was led to by the pain of my wifes affair.

Our 17 year wedding anniversay is this week. This is also affair season for us.

We are tired but we are committed to moving forward.

You guys can too.....keep going. I know its tough but you guys, like us, have experienced first hand what happens when you try to avoid this pit instead of process through it.

"I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I was."

God is with us all.

That is a truth. He was with me as a hurt little boy, was with me as a shocked fiance, was with me upon my DD's over the past 2 years. I was blind to that truth most of my life...only embraced and owned it about 1.5 years ago. It is life changing, to accept this as the truth it is.

My heart is breaking for what I've done to him and ultimately our children although they weren't around yet, what he's done, what he didn't/wouldn't do and for the immense hurt this will cause our children.


I so get this. Once I started to face pain I have avoided for most of my life....I saw more and more how I hurt myself and my wife and how it was hurting our children.

Thats the thing about AVOIDING feelings....it bleeds over into how you do life in general. Its not as clean and tight as you tell yourself it is. I don't know if it is a gradual thing or what...but as I face and process pain it seems as if life appears to be in HD now, where it was black and white before. Its like I was becoming a shell of a person rather than a full person.

Better stop there.....I am getting into waters that I have not fully explored yet.

We are called to be authentic and intentional in our lives. Not passive and floating. For me...the challenge is to be active and intentional in a non-controlling (CoD) way! I also wrestle with how to "Be Still", but am learning every day. I have a solid christian therapists that is helping me a considerable amount....a blessing.

Keep the faith! Keep posting!

Peace

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:15 AM, September 11th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, September 11th (Thursday)

Thanks Pentup, Glassgirl, and Blakesteele. I just started Boundaries last night and it is really a good book.

Glassgirl, I just said a prayer for you and added you to my daily prayer list. I am sorry for the pain you are feeling and pray for healing for you, for your husband, and for your marriage. You and your H are both in a lot of pain - that is evident. But I have learned that God truly is the Great Physician and, with Him, all things are possible.

(((Glassgirl)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Glassgirl13
Member
Member # 44702
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, September 12th (Friday)

Another excellent book I'm reading right now is, A Loving Life In a World of Broken Relationships by Paul E. Miller. It discusses hesed love which calls us to love in opposition to our feelings in a way that requires dying to self, something we all are called to as believers. I'm really struggling though with how to apply this to my marriage practically. What does this kind of love look like, to sacrifice and love regardless of response, living with authenticity while not being a doormat and possibly just prolonging his fog or lack of accountability.


His DDay: 11/05 when I confessed my '02 affair
My DDays: 4/17/14, 4/21/14 (SAs and EAs)
Kiddos: 10 and 8

Not in limbo any more. He wants a divorce. Or maybe not.

Chin up, eyes ahead, one foot in front of the other.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2014
foundoutlater
Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, September 13th (Saturday)

Hi all – I’m coming here with a small request. I was raised in the Catholic faith and was a practicing Catholic on DDay three+ years ago. Prior to this I had never had any event in my life impact my faith or belief. I now feel disconnected from my faith and honestly don’t have the faith in belief. I’m asking anyone who is willing to include me and my family in prayer. Thank you.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1170 | Registered: Jul 2011
hihn
Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, September 14th (Sunday)

foundoutlater,

[I now feel disconnected from my faith and honestly don’t have the faith in belief. I’m asking anyone who is willing to include me and my family in prayer. Thank you.]

Many of us have felt this way in regard to our faith or connection with God. In the realm of spiritual warfare, adultery is a immensely powerful weapon that Satan uses to destroy or diminish our faith in God. Remember that faith even the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. My faith from the time of discovery of the adultery to now has taken a serious beating, but even at it weakest level it was at the least the size of a mustard seed & so is yours and everyone else here in this thread. So go move a mountain!


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
Glassgirl13
Member
Member # 44702
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, September 14th (Sunday)

foundoutlater, I think that adultery and it's betrayal rock us to our spiritual core because marriage was designed to reflect the same oneness we are to have with God. Just as our earthly fathers influence our perspective of our Heavenly Father, so our experience with marriage can influence and affect our trust and intimacy with God.

As hihn said, distortion and perversion of what God intended is one of the ways Satan attacks.

I'll be praying for you, as so many have been for me, that God's peace that passes understanding will be upon you and you'll feel his hand holding you.

I was in bed weeping one day, questioning if God was really even real or as personal as the Bible says he is, and before I even finished the thought JJ Heller's "Your Hands" came on. It was a sweet gift to me. Here's the song if you're interested.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4l3CEMWCxSk


His DDay: 11/05 when I confessed my '02 affair
My DDays: 4/17/14, 4/21/14 (SAs and EAs)
Kiddos: 10 and 8

Not in limbo any more. He wants a divorce. Or maybe not.

Chin up, eyes ahead, one foot in front of the other.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, September 14th (Sunday)

Foundoutlater, I have added you and your family to my ever-growing prayer list. I will pray for you every day.

It is easy to question one's faith in a benevolent God when something happens in this world that destroys us. But it is especially at times like these that we need to reach out to Him. He did not make your spouse cheat. Everyone has free will and your spouse chose to cheat. I believe that our spouse's cheating grieves God as much (if not more) than it grieves us.

God unites us through the sacrament of Holy Matrimony. We become one although we are still two people. It is a wonderful and beautiful thing in God's sight. Turn to Him and let Him carry this burden of rebuilding what "man has torn asunder" with you!

(((foundoutlater)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
foundoutlater
Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, September 16th (Tuesday)

Thank you all. You all have given me some interesting ways to look at how infidelity has impacted my faith.
I never was angry with God. Not before this or any time through it all. I never believed that God did create the pain in the world. I believed in a loving God who created all of us as social creatures with the free will to make choices - good and bad. Those choices impact others. To believe in God takes faith. Faith requires us to know something which we cannot logically know. I think my ability to do that is what has changed. My willingness or ability to believe something that is not in front of me has changed. I guess I should move to Missouri (the show me state).
I had blind faith and it led me to some very dark places in my life. I know that does not translate into faith = blind faith = wrong, but that’s what is going on in the background I think. I need to focus more on what I had faith in. Thank you again for your prayers and your feedback.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1170 | Registered: Jul 2011
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, September 18th (Thursday)

smile. I live in Missouri. I thought I had blind faith too in my wife. Through 2 years of therapy I have discovered that I intentionally turned away from seeing things I did not want to face. My wife choose similarly. We learned this in childhood and never gave it up....and there are consequences associated with those choices.

As I study the armor of God, I find it very telling that in the description of it there is nothing to protect your back side. I infer this to mean we are created to FACE our fears and to have faith that God will take care of that which we do not understand or think we can not face alone.

Over the past 2 years....when I embrace facing my fears (and pain) I CAN move forward. When I turn away (or employ old coping mechs that avoid pain) I get stuck!

No coincidences.

A big concept for me that helps me every day is knowing the difference between being condemned and being convicted.

Condemned = in a pit with a lid on it. Can not get out.

Convicted = in a pit that is open. It still a sucky place to be but if you look up and, often, grow up (mature spiritually and emotionally) you CAN get out of that pit!

Oh and satan just loves for us to be condemned.....he knows his future, it is ours that is not known. But unlike satan who has been condemned by God, we have not. We have free will and can be saved.

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, September 18th (Thursday)

I can really use prayer. It's been one of those weeks where I feel like I can't take much more of this marriage. I know that it is God's will that I stay with my FWH and I do love him and he's really trying so hard. But the tricking in of the details of his A is becoming unbearable. Not so much the fact that it trickles in, so much as WHAT is trickling in. All long, my perceptions of what transpired between my H and the OW have been realigned to include details that have alternately made my skin crawl and my stomach lurch.

This week has been a combination of both reactions. We have tried to block OW from every avenue of communication we could think of, but she still managed to get a message to me. And this week's gift was a very long and rambling e-mail FWH had sent to OW in the early days of their A, detailing sexual activity he was engaged in just prior to our marriage. Apparently, they spent weeks regaling each other with their complete sexual history. She ended her part of the message with "Don't trust him....."

She didn't need to tell me that. As hard as H is trying, trust is a long way off! But her last message just makes me sick to even look at H, even though the things it details happened around 25 years ago.

Please pray for me to stay strong in working through R with H, to love him for who he is now and not who he was, and for OW to LEAVE US ALONE!!

Thank you all so much.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, September 18th (Thursday)

You got it needfriendshere!

Keep the faith.

Trickle truthing is a special type of hell....some of my original brat pack members on SI are in the D forum as a result of their spouses doing this and never fully embracing the consequences of their actions.

Gently...you are just 6 months in. That is one of the darker time periods for me and the friends I spoke of above were in that mode a lot longer than 6 months. For me....it was between 6-9 months where I finally had enough truths to make sense of what is fundamentally a senseless situation.


I am studying "long-suffering" right now....

On a smaller, more manageable note......

Any way you can turn the actions from the fOW around? Instead of having a "Crap, what more can go wrong?" can you find a healthy way to say "okay, i've been here before but must have missed a growth opportunity...what did I miss?"

Its hard to do...but this trial has afforded me more than one pass through identical painful sitches! Trickle truthing forever remained painful but I did start to visualize it like watching old episodes of Gilligans Island....you just experienced it on a very light level. In other words, I didn't study it hard or put much stock in it. Sucky spot...but the affair had ended, I DID know that.

When I am able to do this, make that routine pass through looking for new wisdom....I do feel empowered.

Unfortunately, I can't explain what I do differently to make this happen...and give God credit for helping me when it does work out.

I think it must be like opening a pickle jar for my daughter. It can go two ways.....first, she can remember the last time she tried to open the jar and immediately get mad and curtly ask for my help and fume all the way to the table with her pickle....wishing pickles came in zip lock bags. Or she can remember the last time, including asking me for help, and calmly work through the same series of steps in peace.

There's a perspective shift that occurs.....

Wish I could think of a better parable than that.....not fully captures it.

Peace.



ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, September 18th (Thursday)

Thank you, Blakesteele! What you say does make sense. All of it. I wish I could turn the actions of the OW around so I can learn instead of burn every time she attacks!

And I can see why and how trickle-truth can lead to D. But I am determined NOT to let the enemy have the victory over a marriage that is in serious R with a truly repentant H. I can only hope that, as time goes by, this all gets easier. 6 months feels like forever to me right now - it really does. Ahhhh. Patience is obviously a virtue I struggle with.

Thanks so much again. I pray you are doing well these days. I kind of see you as a rock on this site.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, September 19th (Friday)

needsfriendshere....not sure if you are doing this, but if you are asking tons of question of your husband try and take a break from that. You will need to engage again in the future...but taking a break from that is healthy.

It was somewhere between 6-9 months out that I finally stopped asking questions. I did because what I was doing was creating situations that allowed my wife to TT even more.

Its dang painful to back away from your spouse....especially so when you are in the "obsessive thoughts" phase post-traumatic experience. But the truth is your husband devloped quite a skill at lying and deception. It takes a while for that train to come to a stop.

And keep in mind the first person that is lied to in an affair is the person choosing to have an affair. They tell THEMSELVES lies and hold fast to false assumptions so that they can say yes to an affair. Furthermore, most have a lifetime pattern of denying and avoiding life in an effort to avoid feeling their internal pain......much of which has very little to do with you.

It is from that seed of truth that real compassion for my wife started to grow. Its NOT excusing their behavior or dismissing the consequences of that behavior...but it does gain you new perspectives on it.

Your hubands affair is REALLY not about you, not about the AP...it is all about him. Thats why I said "on a smaller, more manageable note" when I referred to his OW. Yeah, shes a nut case...but even she was not much more than a girl that said yes and spread her legs. She was an "escape hatch" and thats about it.

I pray your husband finds the courage to face the pain within him and that God be with him as he does.

Peace.



ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, September 19th (Friday)

((needfriendshere))

Satan does continue to attack, especially when our WS is doing things to make our heart grow, or we are doing well in R. He hates marriage. As hard as it can be, try and focus on how far God has brought your husband from where he was 25 years ago. He is allowing God to change him into the husband you deserve and the man he was made to be.

As far as the OW. Focus on how pathetic and broken her life is for her to continue to try to hurt you and thru you your WS, and to be Satan's tool.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, September 19th (Friday)

Blakesteele, thank you so much for the prayers for my H. He can really use them. Between my questions (which you're right - I need to stop asking for a while) and OW's harassment, I think he feels like he's between a rock and a hard place.

It's funny, just today - after OW sent 3 more messages, this time to my H's public work page - my H told me that he is 100% responsible for what happened. He was messed-up, had turned completely away from God, and wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He realizes now that the proverbial "cake" was choking the life out of him, and with it, bringing down another messed-up person, his wife, and his sons. I didn't have to say a word - he was sorry, sorry, sorry!

God is so good - where two or more are gathered in prayer.....

Thank you, too, Brokenheartedwif. I pray you are doing better. You are also in my prayers - every day.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, September 19th (Friday)

Needfriends here that's great and yes God is so very very Great. He can do miracles, in us if we can only give up ourselves and let him.

The giving up of oneself and total trust can be so difficult.

Thank you for the prayers. We must be doing something right together. Satan is really attacking this week via me having meltdowns over the adultery and now my job was outsourced yesterday.

Really need prayers for the healing of the marriage, my self-esteem (which has been very battered by the LTA and now loss of my job), and a new job where God wants me to use the talents he has given me, and my WH continued healing from SA.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, September 19th (Friday)

Thank you for your kind words....but I struggle too.


A quick story on patience.....

It was about 6 months out. I was out a local diner eating breakfast at 5:30 am. The place was empty save for 2 other patrons...an elderly couple in their 80's.

I was reading a book on surviving infidelity...I had taken the dust cover off so as to keep my struggle secret.

My food came and I paused for prayer, laying my book on the table with its spine facing the window. My prayer ended with a request for Gods peace to be with me. I opened my eyes and the elderly lady was standing at the edge of my table.

She tapped my book and said;

"I bet your tablemate doesn't talk back to you like mine does!" and smiled.

I smiled and said "No, it doesn't." and looked at her husband...he had a large kind smile on his face as he sat there and watched us.

Then she said this....


"You know, I used to pray for peace. But God kept sending me more trials...so I stopped praying for peace."

I sat there speechless.

I don't recall how long I was in shock...but I do know when I came out of it I looked over to the table where they had been sitting and they were gone....dirty dishes not even on the table.

Was I lost in thought long enough for them to pay their bill and the waitress to clean the table? Could be.

No matter....it was a God moment for sure. I have had several others since then.

God is with us all....and this includes your husband and the fOW. He is waiting for us to seek Him.

I would suggest getting a copy of Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen. It really helped me overcome the shame in my life and helped me better understand what true, mature love looks like. Agape love.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, September 19th (Friday)

Blakesteele, I love your story about what happened in the diner. God is wonderful, isn't he? I have some stories too - where God was definitely active and present in my life - but not quite as heart-warming and tender as that one.

And as for the book - Return of The Prodigal Son - someone mentioned it recently and I meant to write it down and forgot. This is another God moment! Thank you!

Brokenheartedwif, I appreciate your letting me know how to pray for you. I find that it helps if my heart knows the exact needs of the person. Please let us know when you find that new (and better) job.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, September 19th (Friday)

We must be doing something right together. Satan is really attacking this week

Right on! My pastor advises me this is one great way to see if I am fullfilling Gods will instead of my own will.....the attacks intensify. When we are selfish and with unpure motives....satan chills. No need to do any tempting in our lives as we are already doing his work for him.

Looking back over the past 2 years...this is absolutely true!


Point in check;

I had accepted Christ as my savior about 8 months prior to being publicly baptised at church. Why wait? I was, at that point, pretty aware of how much I liked external validation. I suffered from pride and wanted to be sure my motives for my actions were pure and NOT self-serving. I wanted to walk with God silently without any applause or recognition from others. I was NOT seeking to feel good...I was and am seeking to become healthy and fullfill Gods will for my life.

Fast forward 8 months....

On a Monday morning my pastor called me and asked me if I would be interested in being baptised later that month. A common occurence and my pastor was always patient when I told him "no, not yet". That morning was different....I said I believe I am ready but would give him a definitive answer on this later that week. Not a full yes but a pretty clear change in my choices.

That same night I tucked my oldest daughter into bed. Out of the blue she looks up at me and says

"Dad, I think you need to do that thing...you know....go under the water."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You know, that thing they do at church where people go under the water."

"Oh, you mean get baptised."

"Yes. You need to get baptised." she said

"I am thinking about it...why do you think I should?"

"Because you are close with God."


I was speechless....I just gave her a big hug and thanked God for her again and again.

then Tuesday I come home to get into my formal suit for a promotional interview, an event 2 years in the making. I get that all-to-familiar gut feeling something ain't right....and I check my wifes computer. DD#3 was me discovering for 2 years she had lurked the OM on FB. This happened just 40 minutes before I was scheduled to go through a 2 hour intensive interview.

Called wife....lies, then ommision with very little detail....pretty darn close to how my other DD's played out.

Anyway....short convo with wife and within 15 minutes I knew I had a choice to make. I COULD let this new intense pain derail both my spiritual walk as well as my career path OR I could choose to continue my journey in both.

By the grace of God I choose the latter. Rewind 2 years prior.....no way was that how I would have chosen. I was offered a promotion at work and I was publicly baptised that same month. I am sure satan is pissed. My intention is to do Gods will, aggravating satan in the process is a nice perk though!

God allows trials into our life as training aides. If we so choose, we CAN grow our character through them.

DD#3 sucked eggs...it really did. But I can look back now and see it as a cornerstone event in my journey. DD#3 is what I reflected on when I nudged needfriendshere to allow her perspective to shift a bit when she experiences more-of-the-same trials. DD#3 was a copy out of my wifes original betrayal play book. I had seen that play run before and I knew my old ways of dealing with it did not result in the yardage gain I desired for my journey. So I chose differently....noticeable difference was I turned to God FIRST!

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:41 AM, September 19th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, September 19th (Friday)

Could really use prayer today. I am so on the fence, off the fence, and back on. It's like every time I think I have it figured out to D, some life crap comes on which makes it virtually impossible to leave or kick him out (finances, kids, etc...). Anyhow, please pray for peace for us no matter what. I know we can't really debate religion here, and that's not my intent, but I'm Catholic, and really having a hard time with the whole "don't divorce, you have to annul within the church if you do if you ever remarry or it's wrong" thing. Again, not trying to debate it, but really having a horrific time with this on my conscience.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Figuring it out?!?!

Posts: 1648 | Registered: Dec 2013
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, September 19th (Friday)

If we could only always remember to do that - turn to God first - we would save ourselves (and our loved ones) a lot of heartache. I guess that is what I should be praying for us all - that beyond the healing of broken hearts and broken marriages, that He would help us to turn to Him first whenever that roller-coaster plummets downward.

Thanks again!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, September 19th (Friday)

Done deana04.

When you're going through hell keep on going. --Winston Churchill and Rodney Atkins

Yep a great leader and an okay country music singer given credit on the same post!

List 3 things you can do for yourself today....as simple as "make a cup of tea and spend 15 minutes drinking it" with nothing but a clear mind while you do this.

It will empower you.

God does not give us a spirit of fear...but one of love, power and self discipline.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, September 19th (Friday)

Thank you again for the prayers Needfriendshere.

I'll let you guys know when God provides the new (better) job.

((denna04)) you and your family are in my prayers.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, September 19th (Friday)

Thank you; putting you in my prayers, too. This is so hard.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Figuring it out?!?!

Posts: 1648 | Registered: Dec 2013
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 20th (Saturday)

Deena04, I am praying for you too. Please let us know how you are doing.

(((Deena04)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, September 20th (Saturday)

Thank you; I never noticed this thread until the other day. I never bring up religion in the other forums, but it truly has been a sticking point for me in my healing. I just feel like it needs to happen for me because of what's happened, but don't want to let down my faith and my church. Prayer is a daily occurrence for me and also a struggle because of it all. Making sense of all of this is not working for me.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Figuring it out?!?!

Posts: 1648 | Registered: Dec 2013
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, September 21st (Sunday)

Deena04, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that, if it were not for God and His guidance through prayer, I would not be in this marriage anymore.

In my case, my H has recommitted himself to Christ and is bearing much fruit - both in his prayer life and in how he is treating me.

You continue to remain in my prayers. Hang in there and keep the faith. God is definitely Someone you want in your court.

(((Deena04)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, September 22nd (Monday)

As I study prayer and what it does and means it has occurred to me that the following holds true...but am not 100% on this so am looking for input.

We have a petition and a desire....that is the meat and potatoes of prayer. Its a conversation with God.

I believe all prayers are heard, but not all prayers are answered as humans understand "answering".

Sometimes God's answer is "you choose, son.". Afterall, He gave us his spirit within us, He made us, the gift of free-will is meant to be used. He also gave us his Word, that helps us use that free will effectively, should we choose to. Of course, you must study the Word for it to be any help to you. And we can CHOOSE to do that too!

Sometimes God's answer is a partial one. He may give us what we need instead of what we want....and, as time passes, we see that which He gave us was actually what we needed, but we ignorantly (meant in a nice way) had no idea even to ask for that....so we asked for something much smaller and more self-centered than what He actually gave to us.

Sometimes God's answer is a full one(meaning we can grasp that we were fully heard and helped)....He gives us what we need AND it is what we desired!!!! We SOOOO enjoy these types of answers to our prayers.

That last one is not common in my life over the past 2 years. That is NOT a reflection of God's love for me (or lack there of), but is a reflection of where I am at emotionally and spiritually.....young and immature, often times unable to even know what to ask or pray for other than the pain to stop. KWIM?

I have come to realize many times I ask for just enough to get through the day, which is dang too close to how I did life since my childhood! But the first two have been fully in-play throughout. Dang painful at times....but I have come to understand pain often equals growth!

Today I am in pain. I had a good weekend, family is healthy, but the results I have been praying for in my M have not occurred. What has occurred is a maturing of me emotionally and spiritually. But my deceitful, selfish heart is alive and kicking today. I know the RIGHT thing to do and am trusting God I will keep having the courage to do the right thing.

I still feel "double minded" and am working on that.

That is a term I was so unfamiliar with until this journey started...now I can see it as a contributing factor to my adult life choices....and choices my wife made. Choices that were often based in fear and selfishness, not on love and committment.

I AM grateful for the opportunity to work on this.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:42 AM, September 22nd (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
befuddledhubbie
Member
Member # 43990
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, September 22nd (Monday)

Have mercy on me a sinner!

I hold myself responsible for my faults in my M, but somedays i can't help but think that the lies that WW told me about her choices being my fault are true.

I am able to squash those lies because of the support SI has consistently provided. And 75% of the time when i feel down, my Father sends me support that i can visibly or audibly notice. Friends i didn't expect, a listening ear, and strong Godly counsel. My radio is always playing a song or marriage advice from focus on the family, validating Him as comforter and what i knew about relationships.

EA started probably may, pa in june, WW moved out in july. I still cling to hope that before D is final, for the sake of our DD, WW will attempt real R. We never had counseling or mentoring nothing.

The Lord provides; comfort, peace, family, friends, financially, and Himself.

Not that i'm not grateful for the above, but having a helpmate would be really nice right now .

My prayers are for the courage to face this. To be equiped to hear His voice, to have the strength to trust and obey Him. I don't want to shrink from this battle. Even though she shows no signs, i pray for her. I pray for DD, and i pray that 6-12 months from now, if she would come to her senses, my heart will not be as hard as hers and that i could forgive her eventually.

Psalm 86 is my most recent message from Him. I hope for that ending.


BH 26 DD 2
xww- broke and with Limpy A. POSer

NB coming soon to a Fud near you

I like the story of the prodigal son, but he didn't screw the pigs.


Posts: 314 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Michigan
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, September 22nd (Monday)

Befuddledhubbie, you are someone I have been praying for every day. A part of me is so happy to see how strong your faith is. God really is good.

But another part of me is saddened by the fact that you are believing your WW and feel that you were somehow to blame for her actions. Unless you were actually physically abusive to her, there is NO EXCUSE for her to have an A. And, even in that case, an abused spouse should just leave, not cheat.

You did nothing to make your WW cheat. It was her decision. And, I have learned, especially in cases where they are somehow feeling neglected, it is a cowardly decision. Isn't it easier to just confront your spouse and talk your issues out? How many of us, if we knew our spouses felt so ignored, neglected, frustrated, or whatever it was that they say tempted them to wander off to someone else's bed, would not have done all they could to change - to make their marriage strong again? My H said I spent too much time with our DS's and had nothing left for him. When I think of how selfish that reason is, I could spit! But, still, had he told me at the time, I honestly would have made an effort to spend more time with him, making him feel special and adored like OW did.

Please, befuddledhubbie, don't go down the path of self-blame. You are hurting enough.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, September 22nd (Monday)

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:06 PM, September 22nd (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
befuddledhubbie
Member
Member # 43990
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, September 22nd (Monday)

Today is just one of my down days. i get DD back tomorrow after the friday pick-up heartbreak. Will do my best for/with her.

I don't usually blame myself, but WW used sex life as an excuse, and OM 'sorry you didn't do better' . They said that weeks ago, but i attended a video series "laugh your way to a better marriage" last nite, and the topic was improving your sex life. It is funny, but the topic came off serious with repeated reminders for guys not to be lazy, and i recognized myself in that.

A is still her fault, but M situation borders A. Actually A is at the bottom of a cliff, and WW decided to bungee without a cord.


Thanks for the prayers. I have hope, but it has been a constant reminder that my hope is in the Lord, not in her.

God bless


BH 26 DD 2
xww- broke and with Limpy A. POSer

NB coming soon to a Fud near you

I like the story of the prodigal son, but he didn't screw the pigs.


Posts: 314 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Michigan
neecee
Member
Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, September 22nd (Monday)

Good Lord do I need prayer. I've abandoned my faith and not walked with God as I had for 15 years. The last 4 years of my life have been challenging to say the least. And although I cried out to the Lord many times through my struggles,I've somehow been trying to navigate on my own through my battles, knowing full well that when I am weak, HE is strong. I know we all go through seasons, but I am allowing the enemy to have his way in me. My pastor says "Set up a tent and have yourself a pity party and the devil will show up with marshmallow's"

I know this. I know what I need is Jesus to take the reigns. I know I need more of him and less of me. I know all of this. I know for a FACT, that HE is the ONLY way to my healing.

Please pray for me so that I take the necessary steps to allow God to move in my life again.

Lord knows I cant do it without HIM.


What doesn't kill me.....better run cause when I get back up I'm gonna kick some ass!!!
me 44
WH 46
married 19 years
together 28 years
3 children 16,14,7
OW-lucky to be alive!!!!
D-Day 5/8/2014

Posts: 259 | Registered: May 2014 | From: new york
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, September 23rd (Tuesday)

((necee))

You are in my prayers. Drawing closer to God is helping me get through this mess. One step at a time one day at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time reaching out for God and his unfailing love.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday)

(((neecee))) I too just said a prayer for you. It is amazing how much comfort God can provide on our darkest days - if only we turn to him! And, for me, that is often the hard part. I wallow in my own little pity-party for a while and then I pray. And I often get surprised that I actually feel better afterward.

God has helped me to deal with my feelings for the OW. And without Him I could never have forgiven my FWH, as the truth keeps trickling in, even today and yesterday.

I send hugs to you all. I pray for you all every day. Here is my list (if you are not on it and wish to be, please let me know):
Crushed15Feb13; Seethelight; Janus2014; Skan;
Befuddledhubbie; LumpyLola; Devastated30;
Brokenheartedwif; Fromthisdayforward: LA44;
Blakesteele; Peacebemine; Soconfusednow; Yme;
Swat70; Sosorry17; Hurt2deeply; Amazingatlast;
Hopeful77; Karmahappens; Ostrich80; ItsaClimb;
Bionicgal; Olwen; Trulysad; Isthismynewlife:
Heartbrokenlady; Justinpaintoday; tushnurse;
bigupz32; Lark; Delilah169; Gracerunner;
Brentwood; Plainpain; Glassgirl13; Nodoormat;
Lilies; Foundoutlater; Firstlovelost7: Deena04;
and Neecee.
God has put you all on my heart. I wish you all the best!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Glassgirl13
Member
Member # 44702
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, September 24th (Wednesday)

Needfriends, thank you for your continued prayers. My husband sent me an email last Friday telling me he thinks we're at the point where we just need to get a divorce. On the one hand I feel better because I'm not in such limbo anymore. On the other hand this is not what I want for us, and not what I think God wants, but only he can choose to turn back to God and to face this mess head on and he's not doing that right now. I'm praying for him daily, that his heart would soften, that he'd let go of the bitterness, that he'd seek after God again because he says it's been such a long time.


His DDay: 11/05 when I confessed my '02 affair
My DDays: 4/17/14, 4/21/14 (SAs and EAs)
Kiddos: 10 and 8

Not in limbo any more. He wants a divorce. Or maybe not.

Chin up, eyes ahead, one foot in front of the other.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2014
Trying2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, September 24th (Wednesday)

I would like to ask for prayers from any who would be willing to pray for me & I have prayed for all on SI, but need to be more consistent with it.

I was raised in church from my birth on & have always relied on my faith to get me through. I was molested as a child (by an uncle), have lost loved ones, battle depression, chronic pain & other health issues, have watched a son battle drug addiction & helped him overcome it and ALWAYS my faith was strong. But over this past 13 months since finding out my H had an A with a sister in law 25 years ago & many of MY family members knew about it back then & Noone told me, I have wavered in my faith greatly!

I still attend church service on occasion & I try to pray, but it's just not the same. I can't get to a place of acceptance, and have not forgiven my H, the OW, nor my other family members. I also have started drinking on a nightly basis...something I've never done before!

My H is extremely remorseful & is trying to do all he can for me (even though I feel there's a little more he needs to do) but the anger & resentment are huge!

In the past 25 years since the A, he has been a good husband and father, and a good Christian man, but I think this has set him back as well. So I'd ask that you pray for him too.

This has also caused problems with our married son & his wife sent ME a very hateful email almost a year ago & has turned our granddaughter against H & myself. We have not spoke since then and it's breaking my heart. I also harbor resentment toward my H for this because I feel he brought this pain & sorrow into our lives when he committed adultery years ago!

I appreciate any & all prayers for myself & my family. I will be praying for each of you as well whether you are a BS or a WS. I believe God wants us to forgive one another as he has forgiven us, but I need his help in doing this.

May he send blessings & comfort to each of you & your loved ones.


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:2 D Grandchildren
"Life is a journey, travel with Care "...Me 🙈🙉🙊

Posts: 645 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Never Neverland
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, September 25th (Thursday)

Gosh, I have many thoughts on what both you, GlassGirl13 and Trying2LoveAgain, have shared.

GlassGirl, I am so, so sorry your H has decided to go through with a divorce. But my prayer will be - that in spite of this action - your husband will change his mind and that you two can be reconciled as I know you desire to be. God is bigger than anything this world and all of the sinful people in it can devise. You would not BELIEVE what He has done in my life, my H's, and even recently for the OW in our life. Please don't lose hope.

Trying2LoveAgain, the pain you have expressed deeply touched me. But the thing is, I KNOW that it touches God even more. He loves us so much more than our puny human minds can begin to understand. Please return to Him. He did not cause any of those terrible things to happen. People have free will and make choices that hurt us and that grieve Him terribly. God has always been on your side. He is the ONLY One we can and should completely place our trust in. I have added you to my prayers.

Hugs to you both!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, September 26th (Friday)

Struggling with sin.

Thats what the human condition is. We are all fallen.

At work I often invert a problem and it helps open up new perspectives. New perspectives usher in new choices.

Invert the above problem......

Instead of "struggling to avoid sin" think of it as "struggling to remain faithful".

For me it takes the emphasis off my brokenness and puts it on my ability, with Gods help, to do the right thing......often times in spite of my selfish feelings.

Thats all I got.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, September 26th (Friday)

Blakesteele,
Yes, you are so right, our struggle becomes one of "remaining faithful". I couldn't have said it better. And although it's a more positive way of looking at things, it also places a bigger burden on us - in an "ultimate" sense. Because when we fail at being faithful, we feel like we have not only let ourselves down, but God as well. In a way, it should keep us from falling too deeply - this struggle to be pleasing to our God. And it is herein that much of my confusion lies with what H did. He was a leader in our church - all through the affair years. He talked the talk big time. Even the OW told me that she could not understand how he could do what he did with her based on that fact. Remaining faithful, it seems, is sometimes more difficult than struggling to avoid sin....

You made me think, BlakeSteele. Hope I didn't bring you down with my analysis. It's just that this has been a huge issue for me, for our son, for our pastor, and even, as I said, for the OW.
Peace to you as well.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
befuddledhubbie
Member
Member # 43990
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, September 26th (Friday)

On struggling to remain faithful:
Is there a difference between acknowledging your circumstances and resigning yourself to them? I'm not sure if i am acknowledging, accepting, or resigning myself...

My WW is stubborn. Infidelity to a lesser degree, and D to a much higher degree can be ascribed as 'generational' curses.

Is my losing hope that things will get better, that WW attempt to R after leaving OM, pausing D, and having the fog lift, a sign that i have lost faith in Him?

I know that He can do anything, and i know He knows what's best for me better than i do. But do i lack faith because i don't pray with the optimism i started with?I am clinging to God, even if i don't pray everyday like i was at first. But am I denying Him the ability/opportunity to change things by moving on, and accepting things as they are?

On one hand i am willing to keep my heart open to her, knowing it will cause more pain. On the other hand letting yourself get hurt is a great way to cause more damage and prevent healing.

I know what's right, but how do you love these enemies who were once our 'one flesh'? you can't make them love you, and they are often delusional to the point of blaming you for being forgiving, (not from my story).

So much on my mind. Been raging this week, murder in your heart is better than blood on your hands. Keep praying. DD is with WW at OM for the weekend again *sigh*


BH 26 DD 2
xww- broke and with Limpy A. POSer

NB coming soon to a Fud near you

I like the story of the prodigal son, but he didn't screw the pigs.


Posts: 314 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Michigan
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, September 27th (Saturday)

Befuddledhubbie, I was just about to do my Yoga and prayers when something told me to see if anyone here was struggling with anything specific.

It is so tempting to feel like God has let us down when we are hurting so badly. Befuddledubbie, this, more than ever, is the time to turn to Him with complete openness. He feels your pain and loves you more than you know. I have seen in my life why He is called the Great Physician and the Mighty Counselor. I hope you will soon experience those aspects of God's character as well.

Hugs to you!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, September 27th (Saturday)

Good discussion all!

"Generational sin".....wow. I just understood this concept this week. Cool that it was mentioned here.

Remaining faithful IS harder then sinning. Selfless is harder to be than selfish......never more so than when you are in pain!

The story of Job is a sobering one......appears he was forever faithful but trials, severe trials were still a part of his human experience. Lost family, wealth and health. I have no doubt he has a glorious spot in heaven as that must be why God allowed such trials into his life.....Hod knew Job was a great man and wanted to mature him on earth for great rewards in heaven.

Please keep in mind that I am still new to this.....spiritually still starving. I am eating more every day but hardly full. Kwim?

Sure appreciate this forum.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, September 27th (Saturday)

Needsfriendhere
Just saw my name on your list....THANK YOU!!!

In mass when we pray our silent intentions all of you are in my prayers!!

Reading Richard Rohr has had a profound change in my life....learning how to be still has been quite a challenge....but its working....
I sent him a letter not to long ago and thanked him for helping me on this journey...ill share a bit of his written response to me.

"People like YOU make all this work so worthwhile. I am actually convinced that we all have to go through at least one situation of betrayal failure sin or rejection to mature into real Christianity. I think you both have passed the test!"
When I feel sadness coming on I read and reread this.
as Blake says....God is with us all!!!
thank you all for your prayers!!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 881 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, September 28th (Sunday)

You are welcome, Hopefull77!
And I have come to believe that, handled faithfully and with our eyes on Him, situations of betrayal, illness, failure, rejection, and conquering of sin certainly helps us mature as Christians. Thanks for sharing this!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Glassgirl13
Member
Member # 44702
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, September 28th (Sunday)

I know that He can do anything, and i know He knows what's best for me better than i do. But do i lack faith because i don't pray with the optimism i started with?I am clinging to God, even if i don't pray everyday like i was at first. But am I denying Him the ability/opportunity to change things by moving on, and accepting things as they are?

In the book I just finished, A Loving Life in a World of Broken Relationships, the author goes through the story of Naomi, in the book of Ruth. He talks about the lost art of lament, how Naomi laments, prays in a way we would find offensive, getting right in God's face, she even accuses him of being against her. I'm not sure if this is what you mean, but perhaps we don't have to always pray with optimism and to ask for the "good" things, or be a "good" Christian. Maybe sometimes we just need to lay out all our hurt, anger, feelings of betrayal, whys, in front of Him.

After Naomi's lament, in her grieving, God doesn't punish or lecture her for complaining. He weeps with her using human agents to show his love. The author mentions that this kind of honesty rarely characterizes our praying. I know I have trouble praying like this, it doesn't seem like "good" Christian praying to tell God that what he's allowing seems unfair. If it seems too difficult or foreign to pray this way just pray the Psalms :) One third of them are laments. A few the author mentions really resonate with me.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me (my marriage, my husband), from the words of my groaning (my weeping, my tears)?" Psalm 22:1

"O Lord, why do you make us wander from your ways, and harden our heart, so that we fear you not?" Isa. 63:17 (remember that we're madhatters, we've both screwed up royally and my personal A came at a time when I walked away from God's call in my life and it certainly felt like my heart was hardened.)

Just some thoughts that came to mind reading through recent comments.


His DDay: 11/05 when I confessed my '02 affair
My DDays: 4/17/14, 4/21/14 (SAs and EAs)
Kiddos: 10 and 8

Not in limbo any more. He wants a divorce. Or maybe not.

Chin up, eyes ahead, one foot in front of the other.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, September 29th (Monday)

Glassgirl13, yes, yes, yes! God wants us to let out our true feelings with Him. He knows our hearts anyway. It's not like we can hide what we're really feeling from Him. The story of Naomi is a beautiful example of that.

Pour your heart out to God - weep before Him if you need to. The results can be miraculous.

I have wept before the Lord and screamed out my frustrations. And I have felt the compassion of the Holy Spirit at those times. As I said before, He is the Great Physician and the Mighty Counselor. Let Him bring healing to you.

(((Glassgirl13)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, September 30th (Tuesday)

(((Glassgirl13)))

Forsaken in a fallen world.

I am getting that.....

On a business trip and am learning to NOT idealize people and to accept that we do indeed live in a fallen world and that human relationships have built into them......pain. Our deceitful heart pulls us away from God. God knows this and gave us a spirit of power, love and self discipline to counteSelf discipline is what we are called to use to combat our deceitful heart and selfish (sinful) desires.

30 years I ran from this truth as if knowing it would make it hurt more.

It's like if I chose to NOT believe in gravity and stepped off a roof top. I would fall and think "see, there's nothing to that gravity thing"......all good while falling. It might feel weird but I could deal with it.


Then.....splat! The ground.

God is real. Generational sin starting with Adam and Eve is real. Until we get to heaven, we will have pain as part of our lives.

As I accept this....there is a peace about it.

Peace and pain can and should coexist.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:28 PM, September 30th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 1st (Wednesday)

I feel like this is the only place I can share what is going on in my life and the only place I can ask for what I know I need at times like this: prayer.

OW managed to get a message to me recently that just shattered me and set our R back about 10 steps. FWH denies having ever said what she says he said, but I tend to believe her because 1.) all I have gotten from him has been trickle-truth, 2.) he never denied anything else she said prior to this, 3.) I am convinced they say anything to get their rocks off (pardon the expression), and 4.) she has saved every text he ever sent her and kept journals of everything he said when they were together.

I am STILL committed to make this marriage work, but it just got about 10 times harder. A part of me HAS HAD IT!! Another part of me reminds me that FWH is not that horrible person he was when he was with her anymore. When he found me crying and I told him what she told me, he actually put his head in his hands and began to weep. It was REALLY about as cold and cruel a comment as a loving wife (I have always loved him and was completely blindsided by their A) could ever hear.

Please help! And please keep me, my FWH, and our marriage in your prayers. Thank you!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Glassgirl13
Member
Member # 44702
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, October 1st (Wednesday)

(((nsf)))

I'm right there with you. The TT is enough to make anyone go insane. I'm so sorry the OW feels she needs to insert herself into your lives and continue the destruction. I'm praying for you both.


His DDay: 11/05 when I confessed my '02 affair
My DDays: 4/17/14, 4/21/14 (SAs and EAs)
Kiddos: 10 and 8

Not in limbo any more. He wants a divorce. Or maybe not.

Chin up, eyes ahead, one foot in front of the other.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2014
Glassgirl13
Member
Member # 44702
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, October 1st (Wednesday)

We need continued prayer, too. I just found out that WH was seeing prostitutes. The story is here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=542866

I'm still in shock, literally, just shaking, barely able to cry. I know God has a plan for each of us, this set back just seems so big. When I first found out I found one and told myself that it was in the past and didn't really change anything, except that he lied about it and that's what hurts. The counselor in me understand why he lied, the shame he feels in his addiction, etc. The wife in me doesn't know what to do with this and part of me just wants to take the easy way out, to cut and run. For now I'm going to go lay in the sunshine and soak up the last of the warm weather. My mantra right now is self-care, survival.


His DDay: 11/05 when I confessed my '02 affair
My DDays: 4/17/14, 4/21/14 (SAs and EAs)
Kiddos: 10 and 8

Not in limbo any more. He wants a divorce. Or maybe not.

Chin up, eyes ahead, one foot in front of the other.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, October 1st (Wednesday)

Thank you so much for your prayers, Glassgirl. I pray for you each day. I am sorry about this latest development. I don't know how recent your H saw these women, but please make sure you both get tested for STD's. Please! Condoms do not protect a guy from all of them. My H did not use condoms with his AP and we are paying the price for it, as he was not the only one she had cheated on her H with.

I sometimes feel that this just won't end. Every time H and I are doing well, something happens. We get, maybe, 3 or 4 days of peace and then Bam! I either find something in our house, he gets "sick", or OW finds a way to get to us.

Hang in there!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, October 1st (Wednesday)

You both are in my daily prayer list.

TT'ing sucks......it is abuse and occurs in waywards that have found regret but not remorse.

Needfriendshere....dreadful news. Mr needfriendshere must do a timeline and full confession now. Gracerunner never did....but her fAP dumped her like a hit potato. He got the sex he wanted 3 times and left. Was into another woman within 2 months.....hell, he might have been into her at the same time, just confirmed 2 months post my DD.

I still would like a timeline and full account....but you need this. You do because you are being attacked all around. OW is no more truthful than your husband. They lied to enable adultery to be a choice, they lied to keep it going.

Sounds like you can't escape the onslaught....your husband MUST defend you, shield you.

I pray that is Gods will.

Peace, my friend.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, October 2nd (Thursday)

After 2 years of intensive therapy, fellowship, tirp to a third world country, and bible study I am at a new-to-me spot.

I got a sweet promotion that greatly increases our household income. I can totally do the new-to-me tasks. And yet......

I find myself contemplating changing jobs and even careers.

Information is transforming into revelation....only I can't see what has been fully revealed to me. KWIM?

Another moment of faith. I am sure of it.

But what to put my faith in?

Traditionally, my faith was in my abilities and my career. Notice the word "my" in that?

I so desire to do Gods will in my life.

When I had my promotional interview it was a most peculiar couple of days.

Monday morning my pastor checked in with me, asked if I was ready to be publicly baptised at church. I told him I think I am close. That night I tucked my oldest daughter in and out of the blue she says "Daddy, I think you need to go under the water". I made up my mind this was God's will and I made the decision to do the public ceremony to testify to what I had done 8 months earlier with my pastor...accepted Jesus as my savior.

Tuesday morning I was preparing to go to my promtional interview, my gut acted up strongly, I popped open my wifes computer and discovered she was on OM FB page. Yadda Yadda Yadda....she had been lurking his FB since he dumped her. I went to the interview and recieved a promotion.

Personal victory in that I was able to view the truth of my wifes choices...they were HER choices and I continued to NOT be a factor in them. Professional victory in that I was able to stay focus on the task at hand and come to a satisfactory conclusion with a promotion.

But right now I don't have full revelation...I don't know what God's will is for me.

Anyone have expreinces like this?

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Glassgirl13
Member
Member # 44702
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, October 2nd (Thursday)

blakesteele, do we ever really get a full revelation in this life? Sometimes the picture becomes clearer but I think we're always looking through darkened glass. We'll only know the full story when we reach heaven, a place a look forward to eagerly (but not in the depressed, suicidal way).

I think often, too, God just says trust me, I've got this, you don't need to know it all. And we have to be content knowing that he has our best interest at heart, even when that looks like our world being torn apart and stomped on.

At our women's retreat this year a woman whose name I can't remember spoke about suffering and how it is part of God's good plan for us. I bought one of her books but put off reading it because I literally had the thought that if I started reading it God was going to bring something difficult into my life. I opened the book finally, a few months later and within a week my life was unraveling as I was finding out about my WH's secret life, his disgust for me, and his desire to end our marriage.

And maybe one day in this life I'll have the bigger picture. Maybe not. I believe ultimately I will and can honestly say right now, even while I'm still physically feeling the trauma course through my body, I will praise God for this and however he's going to use it for his glory. And least that sound like I'm being a martyr, I'm also crying out and asking why he could let this happen. Because God is big enough to handle my dramatic gamut of emotions and feelings. And just because I feel overwhelmed, shocked, betrayed, unloved doesn't mean I can't also trust that God has this in his hands.

I've been doing a lot of rambling here over the past 24 hours so please forgive me if that's hard to follow.


His DDay: 11/05 when I confessed my '02 affair
My DDays: 4/17/14, 4/21/14 (SAs and EAs)
Kiddos: 10 and 8

Not in limbo any more. He wants a divorce. Or maybe not.

Chin up, eyes ahead, one foot in front of the other.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2014
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, October 2nd (Thursday)

((Glassgirl113,NeedFriendshere,Blakesteel)

Remember they are broken and they say a lot of crap, when they are in the middle of their Adultery and fog. Broken people do very broken things, and continue to protect themselves even after the Adultery ends. You are all in my prayers.

Also remember that Satan hates marriage, so the attacks may be coming because you and your wayward spouse are doing something right that infuriates Satan.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, October 2nd (Thursday)

Glassgirl13...if your rambling and wandering, I am getting it and following you!

Your retreat and book event in your life? Totally relate to that. For the previous 2 years leading up to my wifes A my anxiety was growing steadily....finally I reached a point where I sought therapy. Wife was right there "supporting" me in the therapists office as I struggled to find that which eluded me.

4 weeks later, my first DD happened. While her A was not going on the entire 2 years of this growing anxiety, she was definately under investing and pulling back. As she did I did more and more of the same....but it was not helping. This was the start of the end of the way I was doing life.

God was at work in my life the whole time...but I was so "me" focused, I did not see it as such.

And that is why I am not sure what to do right now.......

I am deliberatly trying to NOT do what I feel like doing...but rather to wait on God and understand what it is I am to do, regardless of my feelings.

I have stopped IC about a month ago....therapist was pretty insistent that I know what to do. I have grown enough spiritually to stop drinking the milk and start eating meat and potatoes. She has encouraged me to choose based on biblical facts and trust God that the feelings WILL follow.


I "feel" the draw to go back to therapist, but the facts are I know what to do.....not specifically with my job, but with regards to making myself open.

Open to intimacy with my wife, open to intimacy with God.....and facing the pain that will follow as I do. Pain from my wife as she finds her own way to being authentic and fact-based choices or not to. Pain as a result of what God will continue to reveal to me in my life....acutely but lovingly pointing out parts of my own deceitful, selfish heart....and then Him asking me to trust Him that He is at work on fixing it (the great surgeon).

And relational pain will be felt. My coping skills were designed to "protect" me from feeling relational pain. However, I foolishly thought they were actually protecting me from relational pain. NOPE, just keeping the painful feelings at manageable levels....the pain was and is real. It is a result of living in a fallen world. It is part of our original sin that we are born with. It dates back to Adam and Eve.


BrokenheartedWif....the whole fallen world thing is real, as is satans attack on me, my M and family. I agree with what you state, as does my pastor...that attacks will INCREASE as gracerunner and I make choices that please God.

Grateful for this forum. God is such a player in my life.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:46 AM, October 2nd (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, October 2nd (Thursday)

Blakesteele, first of all, congratulations on your promotion! My feelings on what you should do - right now - is accept it for the gift it is. But always keep your options open. If God has another job out there for you, He will open that door for you and, in your heart (by means of the Holy Spirit though prayer) you will know with confidence if you should walk through it.

Glassgirl, I have learned to trust in God with confidence that ultimately all things will work together for our good. What we often have a difficult time with is His timing versus ours. In the 30+ years I have known Him, I have learned that I have sometimes had to wait 5+ years for a prayer to be answered. But it is ALWAYS clear to me when it finally happens why I had to wait. Yes, in this world we will have tribulation. That is guaranteed because we live in a broken and fallen world. But never forget that He has overcome the world.

Yes, there will be suffering - we are a classic example of that - but I think it is how we handle that suffering that makes the difference. Turning to Him, reaching out to our brothers and sisters for prayer, comfort, and encouragement will ultimately bring us peace. And when that peace comes, we can look back and see how God's hand was in it - how He never abandoned nor forsook us.

Hang in there!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
befuddledhubbie
Member
Member # 43990
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, October 2nd (Thursday)

Today is a little bit of a mixed blessing. On the one hand i celebrated with DD the day i found out my WW was pregnant, a true fathers day. On the other hand, i had to start this tradition without Ww because of her decisions.

Glassgirl-having a book and not reading it until later resonates with me too. Have been holding on to Neil Anderson's "victory over the darkness" and Gary Thomas's "sacred marriage" for several months, however it wasn't until EA was full blown, perhaps first PA event, that we read the marriage book, and by then the stress of everything i read the victory over the darkness to align my self with who i am in Christ during this time of suffering.

blakesteele-i too am willing to suffer for the benefit of my M, however i'm afraid that beyond her poor choices i may have reacted poorly. I questioned her faith/salvation twice, but i know she is the catalyst in these events. She has to repent before we can make progress.

I really would like to talk with her and bargain/nice her back, you familiar with the 'love dare?', but i am sticking to the advice of SI.

I'm also considering being baptized publicly. Was given a child's baptism in 96', but never really stood up and claimed it for my own. Questioning whether to do the polar bear baptism this winter or to do it before it gets colder. Also invite WW? don't think she would come but i don't know her mind/heart only God does.

BTW if anyone is looking for books on certain faith subjects, i have almost a decade of experience in Christian retail. just PM me for suggestions

As for prayers go, the rage has subsided to be replaced by sadness. Really never this expressive before DDay, but psalm 6, 10, 83 and Isaiah 43 are my go to scriptures right now. Reccommend the Message bible for the first reading, then your translation of choice.

G'nite, God bless, and may His presence always be discernable to us.

[This message edited by befuddledhubbie at 8:39 PM, October 2nd (Thursday)]


BH 26 DD 2
xww- broke and with Limpy A. POSer

NB coming soon to a Fud near you

I like the story of the prodigal son, but he didn't screw the pigs.


Posts: 314 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Michigan
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, October 3rd (Friday)

I have read just about every book out there on the subject of infidelity. And my FWH and I did "The 5 Love Languages" together, which was pretty awesome in helping us to understand how this could have happened to two people who undoubtably love each other so much. But the book that always brings me comfort and clarity like no other is the Bible. I am studying Isaiah now, of all things, and even that book speaks to my heart daily, bringing me to tears through its insights and understanding.

The Bible is all about God's love for us. And about how He is our Mighty Counselor, Great Physician, and Father Almighty. Yet in the Bible we are repeatedly told that we will suffer tribulation. The really cool thing is that, if we turn to Him when we do so, we grow so much closer to Him and so much stronger, in general. I weep when I see my brothers and sisters in Christ turning away from God in anger or when they lose their faith because tragedy befalls them. It is ESPECIALLY at those times that we can grow closer to the knowledge of Him and become more Christ-like - if only we turn our full attention on Him. Just my 2 cents....


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, October 5th (Sunday)

Thanks for the advice needfriendshere. I'm praying on what to do but what you advise is solid. Interestingly enough, the while "tribulation" promise has come up in several areas if reading lately......

befuddledhubbie, gracerunner and I did the Love Dare. It did not change our relationship much. Why? Here is my take. I offered it as an alternative to MC, of which my wife wanted to stop doing. She "appeased" me. Fast forward 1 year....I have a 3rd DD. I discover my wife is lurking OM FB page over the entire course of our "R".......through $10k worth of therapy, a "Weekend to Remember", Retrouvaille, all of it she was still getting adulterous hits from her A fantasy.

She continued to choose false intimacies over real intimacies.....until that stopped, R was severely hindered if not blocked all together. Should have been a flag for me....when she wanted to stop MC and offered no new choices of her own as to how to grow and nurture her M to me. I have a responsibility in this too! My choice to do do do was not new nor healthy either.

I think both 5 Love Languages and Love Dare are great resources......but both spouses must chose for THEMSELVES that they actually care about their M and family enough to invest in them. Gracerunner had not reached that point when we did that stuff.

Was it a waste? Absolutely not. It must have been Gods will for my life. I say that because all of that combined matured me emotionally and spiritually. Gracerunner was noticibly missing from that process.

Gods way of removing yet another idol from my life? Yes, I think so. It was done in such a way so as to leave our union and family entact. I was tempted to sin (RA, use porn, workaholism) but did not......but I did stumble. At 18 months out I used porn once. A humbling experience and one that has also helped mature me.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:48 AM, October 5th (Sunday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Glassgirl13
Member
Member # 44702
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 5th (Sunday)

Through several conversations/arguments and a nasty fight, WH has finally said that he called escort #s because it was exciting but never saw one and he didn't want to tell because it was shameful and embarrassing, which I completely understand. Our challenge is that he no longer cares about a relationship with me. He has so much bitterness inside it's eaten away at his soul so that he even questions his whether he has a relationship with God anymore.

My heart breaks continually for him and the place of hopelessness he finds himself in right now,fearful he'll stay lost forever, and for the fact that I can't help him through this. Maybe God is trying to help me look at myself instead of trying to fix others as my counselor tendency has led me to do throughout life.

Sometimes I feel like I have subconscious continually running prayer/cry going out to God. And other times I feel like can't even pray. Right now I want to pray but just the thought of praying makes me start crying and I'm so exhausted from crying, stuffed up and sick from bad allergies or a cold, and needing to function soon to do my job which involves continuous labor support for a woman while she labors and has her baby, often through the night. I have no strength for this right now and know that only God can get me through what feels like an impossible time; my work and my life.


His DDay: 11/05 when I confessed my '02 affair
My DDays: 4/17/14, 4/21/14 (SAs and EAs)
Kiddos: 10 and 8

Not in limbo any more. He wants a divorce. Or maybe not.

Chin up, eyes ahead, one foot in front of the other.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, October 5th (Sunday)

Blakesteele, I can feel your frustrations, but am encouraged that you have matured in your faith. You and your spouse have done so much. I hope you have found time to have some fun together - just going out and having fun is just as important to bring healing as is counseling, marriage encounters and figuring out each other's love languages. Try to be patient - God will complete the work He has begun in your wife just as He is doing in you. Not everyone comes to that place of healing, enlightenment, or even true repentance at the same time. Hang in there!

Glassgirl, I know what it is like to just be too tired to even pray. At times like that, just be still and listen for the Lord. Turn to Him in your heart, be it in the shower, while driving to work, or as you drift off to sleep. He is always awake, always there, always loving and caring about you.

Tomorrow is my day of prayer again. Although I pray for everyone on the following list every day, tomorrow will be more concentrated prayer:

Crushed15Feb13; Seethelight; Janus2014; Skan;
Befuddledhubbie; LumpyLola; Devastated30;
Brokenheartedwif; Fromthisdayforward: Blakesteele;
LA44; Peacebemine; Yme; Soconfusednow; Swat70;
SoSorry17; Hurt2Deeply; Amazingatlast; Hopeful77;
Karmahappens; Ostrich80; ItsaClimb; Bionicgal; Olwen; Trulysad; Isthismynewlife; Heartbrokenlady;
Justinpaintoday; tushnurse; bigupz32; Lark; Delilah169; gracerunner; Brentwood; Plainpain; Glassgirl13; Nodoormat; Lilies; Foundoutlater; Firstlovelost7; Deena04; Neecee; and Tryingtoloveagain.

If you would like me to add you or your spouse to my list, please let me know.

God has been nothing short of miraculous in my life since Dday - in spite of the efforts of OW (at several points) to break me down. It is His desire to bring healing to you all.

I send you all hugs!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, October 5th (Sunday)

Thanks needfriendshere!

Peace


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
befuddledhubbie
Member
Member # 43990
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, October 5th (Sunday)

Thanks blakesteele for your candid response. I still have trouble disassociating taking care of myself from being selfish somedays. By focusing on my issues and relationship skills i will be better prepared no matter what the outcome of WW choosing D and OM at the moment.

I've been watching laugh your way to a better marriage at my church the last few sundays, and i learned something about how each of us were failing each other and communicating poorly.

Tonite was hard because it ended on the note of forgiveness being important to sustaining the balance in M. After dday i asked for forgiveness regarding my contributions to M, but she denied it to me, even as i was telling her i would forgive her for A. sigh...

BTW i was referring to books on any faith subjects, not just M and A. OT, NT, endtimes, theology, the church. I like to read and debate this stuff. I have alot of head knowledge in my faith, and A has caused me to really dig deep into heart knowledge. I also know that i can't fit God into any perfect little boxes. i can't know anything perfectly regarding Him, other than His love and care for me.

Small question, cursing AP and/or WS. A good thing, a bad thing, a tolerated thing? On the one hand hate in your heart is murder, on the other David wrote some pretty nice curses on his enemies in the psalms.

Needfriendshere if you could pray for my WW i would be grateful. I know she has some doubts about God as part of her trust issues.

Put me in the extreme minority, i'm sure, but when i don't feel like mutilating OM and cursing him, i do pray that he actually gets to know God instead of pretending like he his. i even pray that another woman comes into his life besides WW.

i'm ready for the 2x4's on that last part, but i hope everyone has had a blessed weekend.

God's peace to you all


BH 26 DD 2
xww- broke and with Limpy A. POSer

NB coming soon to a Fud near you

I like the story of the prodigal son, but he didn't screw the pigs.


Posts: 314 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Michigan
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, October 6th (Monday)

i do pray that he actually gets to know God

This is where I am solidly at now. Yeah, I had mad mind movies roll through my head when I saw OM filling up his truck last week.....but I didn't have anger, just disgust. Shallow I know....but he is a dumpy middle aged father of 5. I'm no Harrison Ford, but am way better looking than him! the images of my wife physically having sex with him still disturb me.

But I pray for him, did within minutes of that movie ending.

Whether he and his wife decide to do their M differently it not....their choices have consequences on those 5 kids. Right now he is into another A.

It is from compassion for his wife and children that I find motivation to pray for him.

I also realize he did not force adultery into my M....gracerunner invited it in. Nothing special about him other than he was just a guy that said "sure, I'll come in and sit for a spell". He was no threat to my M and family had my wife said "no" instead of "yes". The threat was and always has been, gracerunner.
And I, to her. We are the only two people who can hurt the other through adultery.

Relational pain is a real result and risk of being in relation with someone.

I am getting closer and closer to that "pray constantly" way of living that is spoken of.

Oh....and curse words describing the OM? Totally get that....I believe God does too. He instructs us to bring our issues to Him. Also, plenty of examples where righteous men yell at God Himself.

His grace, love and mercy is impossible for me to fully grasp....and that is by His design too.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:38 PM, October 6th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, October 7th (Tuesday)

I am in a spot that's bigger than me. I have anger, pain, saddness within that I cannot handle on my own....am unable to express. Temptations and selfishness are strong. Please pray a specific prayer for me so that I feel God with me, He can help....but I feel isolated and alone.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, October 7th (Tuesday)

Blake I hear you loud and clear!!!
We believe God is bigger than us....the human side takes over....and it is so painful!!! My biggest struggle is acceptance.....I think acceptance is all about our EGO...if I accept does that mean I wasn't good enough?
We had a beautiful weekend ....but I fell apart last night....it was my ego.....I was worth losing....bla bla..
Prayer does not fall on deaf ears...I have learned this....God never leaves us....ever
Peace to us all!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 881 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, October 8th (Wednesday)

Thanks hopeful77. I have a group of 4 who I consider my prayer warriors.....though I am not bold enough to tell them that's what I consider them.

We are to be in constant prayer.

You mention ego and pride. 3 years ago I would pray.....over a meal or last resort. I took great pride in my life......financial freedom, dedication to family, hard worker, successful career, etc. oh I would thank God for things but always had an "I earned it attitude". Guess what? This trial has done nothing if not stripped away idol after idol in my life and humbled me! Painful, but needed. I see that now. God uses humble people.

I am learning to pray as part of everyday life.....and learning to visit with God first.

The more I grow spiritually, the more I see how God allows trials to prepare people for doing His will. I don't know what His will is for me yet, but am choosing to trust Him. As I do I am newly and fully aware of my own sinful deceitful heart. Pastor tells me this is a generational condition handed down from Adam and Eve. I am not to hate it, but am to confess it and use my free will to control it.

God does not give us a spirit of fear, He gives us one of power, love and self discipline.


Yesterday was tough....probably the most alone I have felt. I say this because NOW I am no longer avoiding my painful feelings.

I tried to express one such feeling to gracerunner.....it added to my isolated feeling. Painful, but trust God has my back.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, October 8th (Wednesday)

Early on with my walk with God (about 6 months after DD)
I studied "the armor of God". It was no accident this was the first topic of my bible study group. No, I had no role in choosing the topic...in fact, I just showed up to the group.

It has seved me well since.

But yesterday, when the isolation and darkness was deepest I reflected back on what God gives us in such times.

I noted that all of the armor is designed for forward battle.

There is no doubt in my mind I am to go through this valley....go through the pain this fallen world has to offer us as I walk towards God.

There is no mention of retreat from this pain and the armor is designed for forward progress. We are called to flee temptation. But temptation can't HURT us because it can't MAKE us do anything.

Satan himself can't make us do things....he is a fallen angel, not the equal to God who CAN make us do things but out of love for us, allows us to use our free will.

I finally get this.

What BS wants a spouse that they feel they have to laden with lists and rules to "make" them have an engaged M with them?

My CoD was doing that...and it failed miserably.

Make no mistake about it. When a spouse chooses adultery they are NOT choosing to care about anyone but themselves. It is total abandonment.

Since sin is sin, ALL sin does this....it isolates us from all others.

Thankfully we can choose to walk away from sin just like we choose to embrace it.

That is Gods desire for us all....He tells us directly. "Flee from sin".

Jesus rebuked satan 3 times....Jesus even questioned Hods will for his own life!

It's hardly popular to talk about satan in America today....and isn't that a crafty ploy by him? You don't defend yourself against an enemy you don't recognize as such.

I know. I was that man.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:45 PM, October 8th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, October 9th (Thursday)

Another bad dream last night....

Woke up quickly, heart racing. Nothing new to that but.....

I went right to prayer and my first thing was "God.....help me".

This is the part I need help with.

I immediately felt guilty.....like I did something wrong because I went to my need first, before I thanked God for all that I have.

Thoughts?


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
inNOoutNOinNOout
Member
Member # 45092
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, October 9th (Thursday)

God sees our hearts. Not only what we say, or what we choose to do, but what we think and feel. Blakesteele, you are talking to Him. That is what He wants. That is what you need. To thank him first or last, to ask for help before or after...doesn't really matter. He sees your heart. Just keep talking to him.


BS: Me 29
STBXWH: Him 31
DS: 17months
Divorcing

Cheating is not an accident. You don't just trip and fall into a vagina


Posts: 309 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Louisiana
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, October 9th (Thursday)

Thank you inNOoutNOinNOout....you reminded me of what my pastor tells me. "Don't get hung up on the right sentence structure or every little detail....God already knows. Just turn towards Him and talk".

Its pretty cool to be walking with God rather than just knowing of God.

Its also cool to have people help me with that walk along the way....like you just did.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
inNOoutNOinNOout
Member
Member # 45092
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

If anyone is reading this today, I could really use some wise words. I recently decided that I should divorce WH. We are attending retrouvaille this weekend as kind of a last resort, but I already spoke with an attorney and plan on filing for divorce after this weekend. Here are some things that weighed on my decision:

WH is willing to work on himself and wants to become close to God again. He is going to therapy, but there is still so much that he can't see or accept about himself. I see the road to recovery for him being years long, and I am not sure that he will 100% follow through as he has struggled with facing difficult issues his whole life and often retreats to what is easy or immediately satisfying. To me, wanting and doing are two separate things, and while he is fully in the "wanting to" phase, he has not yet crawled out into the "doing" phase. He is overwhelmed and freaked out right now and can't do much. He also does not know whether or not he loves me (or ever did) and whether or not he wants to be married.

I also am not sure whether I love him or not, because I feel that we have never really let each other in or gotten to know each other. Initially, I thought that this might be beneficial as we could possibly just build an entirely new relationship (since we never really had one), but I now feel that that is not realistic. We dont have much in common and I am dealing with a lot of negative feelings about his As right now. I decided that these things are too much for me right now and what I really need to do is focus on healing myself, my own personal growth, and taking care of our son. He is unable to be there for me emotionally right now. As difficult as the decision was, I made it feeling that it is what is best for me right now. I know that we may be able to R in the future if he gets better, but right now I feel R is not possible.

I then come across some articles about people who feel as if they married the wrong person or feel they and their spouse never loved each other. They claim to have built love for each other through God. It makes me feel as if I am giving up on God or going against what he has given me. It makes me feel like I am trying to take the easy way out and not working on our marriage. I mean I don't think that I am, but reading these other stories makes me feel like I am just weak for leaving.

Can anyone offer some advice here? and maybe some prayers for this weekend?

[This message edited by inNOoutNOinNOout at 5:41 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)]


BS: Me 29
STBXWH: Him 31
DS: 17months
Divorcing

Cheating is not an accident. You don't just trip and fall into a vagina


Posts: 309 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Louisiana
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

(((inNOoutNOinNOout and Mr inNOoutNOinNOout)))

Yep. Hugs for both.

Look....I am struggling too. Have sought legal counsel as part of my journey too. You know of my most grievous sins. I am broken.

Here is what I think I am learning;

At age 12 I vowed to hide parts of me.

At some similar age GR vowed similarly.

Coping skills were developed and kept that mode of operation going.

You guys wonder if you ever loved each other. Do you think you loved yourselves?

I thought I loved myself.....and it turns out I did. But I also discovered very dark parts of myself. I also am learning how this hiding from oneself and others was never going to get me to mature intimacy.....a desire of mine since childhood.

Furthermore, God desires us to have and enjoy mature intimate relationships...including one with Him.


"Blake. How is your relationship with God?"

"We're good. I mean, sometimes it's a struggle, but it's pretty solid most of the time."

"So you struggle at times with that relationship?"

"Yes"

"And one of you in THAT relationship is PERFECT!"

"Dang it pastor!"

God designed marriage to make us holy, not happy.

I am so new at this righteous living thing. I pray God is working through me as I write this post. It's wisdom I gained from a trial He allowed in my life for this purpose....to mature me.

'Course, sometimes I have to have several similar trials in a row to mature as He desires me too. Not His fault....I have a selfish deceitful heart too....and that dang free will gift!

I pray Retrouvaille speaks to and opens up your heart so that you may find the path He wants you to take.

Keep the faith.

God is with us all.


[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:59 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

You owe it to yourselves and each other to live fully authentic lives. It's only from doing this that healthy confident decisions can be made.

The truth shall make you free.

Sins and other things that hide parts of us are forms of bondage. We deceive ourselves that our coping skills are healthy....and that deception, like all deceptions, lead to unhealthy decisions.

Feel your feelings but only use them to find the facts causing them....don't let your feelings dictate your actions. They too will deceive you.

Deception is satans greatest tool to tempt us to sin. Living authentically is a tool that takes that power away from feelings and allows real facts to be gathered and evaluated to make healthy choices.

Kwim?

Keep the faith.

You are not alone.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
inNOoutNOinNOout
Member
Member # 45092
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

Thanks so much blakesteele. While I know that this is a decision that only I can't make and only through God can a healthy one be made, it really helps to hear encouraging words from others. I think to myself sometimes too, God did go through this. He has been through every pain so that he can be the one sitting right there next to us saying, "I know exactly how you feel." I know that all these emotions are muffling his voice and I am struggling to just be still most of the time. I have this subconscious belief that I have uncovered that says that to be Godly means to be completely selfless. I guess I feel that wanting to leave it putting me first, and therefore further from God. I'm trying to learn to decifer between selfishness and loving myself, and between selflessness and healthily caring for someone. I have so much to learn and understand about myself and God. Thank you again for the kind words. I'll be praying for y'all as well.


BS: Me 29
STBXWH: Him 31
DS: 17months
Divorcing

Cheating is not an accident. You don't just trip and fall into a vagina


Posts: 309 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Louisiana
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)

Your welcome.

Ever pray it was anything but adultery?

I do.

It's one of only two sitches that I can tell that God offers D as a choice. The other is being abandoned by a non-believer.

Like you.....I feel there is a reason this particular trial was allowed into my life. And like you, I still don't fully know what that is and if it is His will for me to fight for or protect myself from my M to gracerunner.

He hates D, but adultery us singled out.

Sin is sin though.....and I have my own sexual sin of lust satisfied with porn use.

Ugh.

A third DD just 3 months ago has me baffled too.....

It is sooooo comforting to feel His presence, knowing He will not forsake or abandon me.

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
befuddledhubbie
Member
Member # 43990
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)

Adultery is an out, i just wish WW would realize that it's more my choice than hers.

Biblically we as the betrayed are given the mercy to move on, but only with His leading. A truly unrepentant/remorseless spouse is no spouse at all, and so to protect us He allows us to move on.

I hope inNOoutNOinNOout that this weekend gives you peace one way or another.

IMO having a spouse who at least wants to try is an improvement that should be used until it proves unviable.

If you guys could pray for me, I would appreciate it. Not to put any blame on anyone of SI, or even God, maybe a little bit on WW, but it is hard to read stories from so many people who at least got False R, or not divorcing for a period that leads to R.

I still have days where i can't believe she didn't even try. Seeing that some WS actually give a crap makes me think, how did i miss this trait in her?

Remember, we are His beloveded.


BH 26 DD 2
xww- broke and with Limpy A. POSer

NB coming soon to a Fud near you

I like the story of the prodigal son, but he didn't screw the pigs.


Posts: 314 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Michigan
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)

(((inNOoutNOinNOout befuddledhubbie)))

Praying for both of you. This isn't easy, and the rollercoaster feelings and thoughts don't help. I know that Satan attacks harder when my spouse and I are doing something right. Satan hates marriages and anything that could Glorify God.

The first book I read after I found out about my husbands affair, and at the point I didn't know the truth about the possible length and that it took place in my bed as well, was "Every Heart Restored" A Wife's Guide to Healing In the Wake of a Husband's Sexual Sin By Fred & Brenda Stoeker God must have lead me to that particular book, because at that point I didn't know about his Porn problem and that he had a Lust problem. There's a part in the book about accepting a pair of possibilities:
"1. God may have created your marriage in part for the messy work of helping Him heal your husband's wounds, of assisting our husband in his journey to Christian maturity."
"2. God may have picked you to be the central figure in this work of restoration from the very beginning. How do you know this marriage isn't among God's highest dreams for you life?"

Later in the book it says: "We don't always know what God is up to in our lives. In a perfect world, we would be able to physically walk with Him, talk with Him, and know His thoughts. But in a broken world, we have to trust Him even when we don't understand. First, know this; it's not his will that your husband's sin would wound and damage you. He hates what perversity does to marriage, and He grieves with you over the sadness. But it may be His will that your husband's sin be exposed, that the hurts underneath be addressed and healed, and that in the process your own weaknesses and wounds be healed as well."

I've held onto these words in this long twisting journey. I feel that you could substitute wife for husbands in the passages above as well.

Continually pray for God's guidance and grace and mercy in this journey.



He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, October 16th (Thursday)

Please go this weekend with an open HEART...
The God I believe in is ALL merciful....
this almost 2 year journey into R and the 2 years during the A has been a most incredible journey....a journey of complete humiliation and utter sadness....along with beautiful moments of joy and yes even some tranquility...
appreciation of each other mixed in with what the hell were you thinking?!
The book by Henri Nowen RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL SON...began a true spiritual awakening for me....before my husbands A I always related to the GOOD son....
then reading Fr. Richard Rohr...and really LISTENING to him ...well its a transformation for BOTH of us...
he has had a profound effect on my beliefs....I know God never left my side....ever....nor did he leave my H's side ever...


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 881 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, October 17th (Friday)

The book by Henri Nowen RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL SON...began a true spiritual awakening

For me too. Thanks for the recommendation a few months back. It stirred something deep in my Mom too.


Powerful book.

Peace


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, October 20th (Monday)

I am attaching today's Daily Devotion by Richard Rohr...This is going to be one of those deep digging weeks...


Richard Rohr's Daily Meditation

Luminous Darkness


Inexplicable Darkness

Monday, October 20, 2014



St. John of the Cross writes, in his prologue to The Ascent of Mount Carmel:

“A deeper enlightenment and wider experience than mine is necessary to explain the dark night through which a soul journeys toward that divine light of perfect union with God that is achieved, insofar as possible in this life, through love. The darknesses and trials, spiritual and temporal, that fortunate souls ordinarily undergo on their way to the high state of perfection are so numerous and profound that human science cannot understand them adequately. Nor does experience of them equip one to explain them. Only those who suffer them will know what this experience is like, but they won't be able to describe it.”

You can’t go forward by “knowing” in the usual way, but only by experiencing. At some time in your life, I hope you are so ambushed by God, that God catches you by surprise. If you try to go by what you already know—John of the Cross makes it clear—you will pull God back into your pre-existent categories, and you won’t get very far. That is why most people stay with their childish faith.

When God leads you into a dark night, it is to deepen and mature your faith—which, by its very definition, “is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1) The gift of darkness draws you to know God’s presence beyond what thought, imagination, or sensory feeling can comprehend. During the dark night the tried-and-true rituals and creeds of religion no longer satisfy or bring assurances of God’s love. (So you might get bored with church services for very good reasons too, but that is not the same as mere spiritual laziness or a lack of faith.)

God is calling you into deeper and closer intimacy, beyond anything you could achieve with your most sincere attempts, closer than you could even dream. But you must learn to proceed without any guarantees from your feelings or your intellect. That’s the only real way to grow in faith and divine love.


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 881 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
befuddledhubbie
Member
Member # 43990
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, October 20th (Monday)

After my bit of venting to WW, in general from this weekend, I've felt like explaining that to God and to me she is still loved and forgivable is something she needs to hear. I care about her spiritual maturity, but because she won't let me be her husband i can't be the spiritual leader of 'our' home. Simply because to her there is no our.

I came across this quote "right thinking about God exists to serve right feelings for god"

That being said, the following scriptures are on my mind:

the greatest commandment is to love the Lord with all your heart, mind and strength. and to love your neighbor as yourself.

to love your enemies, and bless those who persecute you.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!Try me and know my thoughts!And see if there be any grievous way in me,and lead me in the way everlasting!

continue to pray, as i do, that His Spirit, His glory would be evident in my life. i want His love, glory, and holiness for myself and those around me. these are the gifts that i want to have that i might be able to give them back to others, even in the midst of trials.

I don't know how long it will take to be happy with the divorce which is still pending, but i am actually realizing how most of my M i put her happiness above my own. Engagement, house, car, and so many more minutia.

*sigh* Jesus help us all


BH 26 DD 2
xww- broke and with Limpy A. POSer

NB coming soon to a Fud near you

I like the story of the prodigal son, but he didn't screw the pigs.


Posts: 314 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Michigan
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, October 20th (Monday)

It's been a while....The last time I was here, InNOOutNOinNOOut was considering divorce, but it was just before going to Retrouvais. Please tell me how you are doing and what you decided.

Blakesteele, I don't know what you decided concerning your job. That is still something I am praying for.

I have added the following people to my ever-growing prayer list:
Heartbroken0903 (and her STBX); Crushed Again;
thegreatwife; GeauxTigers and his wife; and InNOOutNoinNoOut.

I can still use prayer too. H and I just got back from a trip to Mexico, where I got very, very sick. While being treated by the doctor, I saw a look come over FWH's face - a look of, for lack of a better word, disgust. Disgust that I could die 8 months after he left his OW of 6 years and how unfair that would be for him to lose us both. There is no other way to describe it.

H and I had a painful discussion yesterday, after which I felt beat up and oh so tired. H is committed to making our marriage work, but admits that he loved OW and had a "crush" on her because of how successful she was. He defends her cruel comments to me by saying that she is not thinking when she says them and is just hurt, so I need to cut her some slack. He also said that I need to "keep him on the straight and narrow" when it comes to his faith. And you know what? Right now, it just feels like too much work.

I'll do it, but I am sick to death of it. Why should I be responsible for his walk with God? If "I" slip up or slack off, will that give him an excuse to cheat again or to WANT to cheat again? He tells me he is weak. Aren't we, as human beings,, all weak?

Please pray for me and for him. And forgive me for being so vague. There is so much I want to tell you all, but, frankly, I'm embarrassed - embarrassed that I am still with this guy half the time. Embarrassed that I think so little of myself that I have put up with so much crap for the past, now almost 7, years.

God help us all!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, October 28th (Tuesday)

Struggling today with revenge fantasy - feeling angry at myself for loving him so much and immediately working for reconciliation. I wish I had had the opportunity to throw his choices all in his face, leave him, bring his world crashing down around him. His repentance has been so deep and he is such a changed man. He grieves because he sinned against God - and ultimately that is what will keep him faithful to me. But I wish he grieved because of what he did to me. I feel kind of "by-passed" sometimes. Don't know if that makes sense.

Our marriage has never been better, he has never been a better man or husband... I want him to be faithful because he loves me, not because he loves God.

Anyway, it's depressing me and I could use prayer. Still think about that fatherless OC every day.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jul 2013
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, October 31st (Friday)

Plainpain, so sorry for getting back to you on this so late. How are you???

I understand your feelings - so much. H actually told OW that he married me because he loved Christ, not me. Because I led him to Christ. And as nice as that is, it grieves me. It is not romantic. Nor does it mean he ever loved me. Plus, it wasn't enough of a love to keep him from straying, was it?

Now he is SO MUCH like your H. Just about exactly. And you hit the nail on the head. I want him to be faithful because he loves me - not ONLY because he has made himself right with God. He has been kind and thoughtful and romantic again. He constantly tells me he loves me "now". And I'm like, "well what about before? Did you ever love me before? Why all of a sudden is there this great display of love where it was seriously lacking before?"

O.K. Sorry. I think I've digressed a bit. But I get your point. I understand your concerns here. I guess we need to trust that if they have really made themselves right with God, that the Holy Spirit within them is helping them to truly love us as He loves us. Does this make sense?


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
hihn
Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, October 31st (Friday)

After reading several of the above messages the words in the song Oceans by hillsong came flooding into my head. I heard this song just days before Dday. I bought the song and it has gotten me thru some very rough spot since. Really it describes my journey with the lord since Dday. I believ the words of the song to be the following:

You called me out upon the waters. The great unknown. Where feet may fail, and there I find you in the midstream, in oceans deep. My faith will stand, and I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace, for I am yours and you are mine. Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand will be my guide. Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wonder and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my savior.

Amen


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, November 3rd (Monday)

@needfriendshere Thank you so much for your response and for the support. We have been doing better - I am so glad to know I am not the only one. It is such a strange, hard journey and I still feel like it can't possibly have actually happened. The waves are further apart, but they are still crushing when they hit. I am surviving through prayer.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jul 2013
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, November 13th (Thursday)

It has been so long since I have posted here and this is such a place of peace, comfort, and encouragement!

Hihn, I listened to the song "Oceans" by Hillsong and it is gorgeous. It moved me so much. Thank you for your post about it.

Plainpain, I pray you are doing well today. You and about 40 others from this site have been in my prayers. I still keep that list beside me for my post-yoga God-time.

I can use prayers - again. Big surprise, huh? Since I last posted here, OW finally did something that made me wonder whether I really want to make this marriage work anymore. When your dear friend who used to be a nun tells you that you should leave your husband, it does make you wonder what the heck you are doing hanging around this mess of a life "together". And she always, always supported us and truly loves him as a person.

OW sent some texts that they had exchanged when he was wooing her and they were unbelievable! They made my ex-nun-friend weep! They have left me feeling, well, "feeling" is the wrong way to start how I feel. They have left me numb all over - that protective shield that I put up on Dday is back again. And the nightmares - where I imagine I deal with what I know - are unrelenting. I am terrified to close my eyes at night and go to sleep. I bring my Ipod to bed and listen to music all night until I pass out. And then they begin...

I am asking - no begging - for prayers of healing. Not just for me, but for my marriage, if there is still any hope for it.

Thank you all for being there - I hope someone reads this. I am so tired of feeling like the walking dead.
Hugs to you all!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, November 13th (Thursday)

You are in my prayers. Remember anything they exchanged was in their fantasy world between two very broken people. It wasn't real. I know it's hard I found comfort in a Devotion for Betrayed Woman called "Godly Whispers"


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, November 14th (Friday)

Thanks, Brokenheartedwif!
Although I do know that the things they exchanged in those texts were part of the fantasy world they lived in, I don't understand why he had to bring ME into it the way he did - putting me down and telling all my secrets to someone who is now out to destroy the both of us! I understand the mushy love stuff that transpired between them, but why make me sound so bad that he would even tell her that his mother never liked me but would have loved her? Or her telling him she had an STD BEFORE they slept together and him saying he didn't care - that she could be oozing out of every pore and he would still find her irresistible? And then he DID sleep with her - for 6 years. THESE are the things that are tearing me apart. These are the potential deal-breakers.

The very sad thing and what I struggle the most with is that, largely because of how awesome he has been since Dday, I had completely forgiven him, and we were well on our way to a very successful R before OW sent me these texts. I try to pull myself back to that place, but it is so hard! Like I said, I can really use prayer. If this marriage is to survive, it will only be with God's help. I feel empty and dead.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Glassgirl13
Member
Member # 44702
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, November 14th (Friday)

Praying for you both, needtoshare and plainpain. I can't imagine that kind of hurt in the midst of what's supposed to be healing and recovery, when everything looks like it should.

I covet your prayers also. Sometimes it feels like prayer is all we have and even that right now is sometimes just begging, "God, please." There's nothing else my heart can say. I've had so much loss in my life lately. Loss of my marriage (my husband is acting friendly as if things are normal while he lives elsewhere but still not seeking help for himself or choosing our marriage, he just "is," and it's tearing me apart), loss of my grandfather, loss of a baby whose birth/death I witnessed as a care provider, difficulty and animosity between my dear friends and I'm caught in the middle. I'm feeling crushed by it all, like Satan is being given free reign at destruction in my life. I realize God is in control, he's allowing this and I don't resent him (I don't think) but I feel like I can hardly bare it. I know I need to lean on him, I'm trying, but I literally feel like I'm walking around with a 40lb pack on my back sometimes. My whole body feels weighed down by this. And there seems to be no respite. My counselor asked if I have a soft place to land. I'm not sure there's one soft enough or big enough to land on right now.

So as I'm pleading with God for myself, my husband, my family I will be lifting you all up as well.


His DDay: 11/05 when I confessed my '02 affair
My DDays: 4/17/14, 4/21/14 (SAs and EAs)
Kiddos: 10 and 8

Not in limbo any more. He wants a divorce. Or maybe not.

Chin up, eyes ahead, one foot in front of the other.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2014
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, November 14th (Friday)

Hi everyone...
I have read these last few posts and my heart aches for you all....
I hear the despair ....I understand it...
this is a pain like no other and really our own personal hell....
My morning routine is a cup of coffee and my daily devotionals.... the Loyola's Press has a lovely 3 minute retreat and Richard Rohr...it is my saving grace....
I gave my H a book of daily devotions for men by Richard Rohr....he has been so moved by these that he bought one for our 2 sons and son in law...its called ON THE THRESHOLD OF TRANSFORMATION.
this book has had effect on him and he is NOT a reader.
you are all in my prayers as we navigate through these tough times.....trying to make sense out of something non sensical....
peace


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 881 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, November 15th (Saturday)

((Needfriendshere))

Unfortunately telling his AP how awful you were and your secrets was the currency he used to get his hit for his ego and F**king once he discovered that doing so got him more of what he wanted. Just like a drug addict will do and sell anything for the next high, your spouse sold things about you to his AP for his next hit. It's awful and so hurtful, but IMHO that's what they do. It has the added benefit to assuage their mind about betraying you since they have been telling themselves how awful you are to justify their Adultery.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
hihn
Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, November 15th (Saturday)


All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.

Scott Alexander


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
hihn
Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, November 16th (Sunday)

But he said to me, "My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me.
2 Cor 12:9 (NET)

Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Cor 12:10 (NET)


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, November 17th (Monday)

(((Glassgirl13))), (((Hopeful77))), (((Brokenheartedwif))), and (((Hihn)))
You are all so amazing and are truly sisters in Christ. Glassgirl13, thank you for letting me know how to pray for you. Please do not lose sight of how much God loves you. He can be your biggest source of comfort through all this if you just expose your broken heart to Him. Without God, H and I would be through - forever. And I would be miserable missing him. God told me to forgive him and is helping me to continue to do so - no matter how much the enemy uses OW to try to pull us apart.

Brokenheartedwif, I know in my heart that what you say is true - they said what they did to keep the A going. Your analogy of the drug addict selling anything to get his next high really hit home for me. That is exactly what H did. He sold me out to make sure she would continue to stroke his ego and keep his fantasy world alive. Also, I do realize they say those things to assuage their guilt. It makes it a bit easier knowing it wasn't "real" but it does still hurt - a lot. Lots of healing is needed and I covet your prayers.

Hihn, thanks for your encouragement! God bless you!

BTW, H and I went to a Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend this past Friday through Sunday and much healing took place - especially for my H. He really was able, through the exercises we did, to feel my pain, and it tore him up. Which was good. I think he finally "got it". When H shared a text he wrote for me with the group, it made one of the facilitators break down and cry. I guess he could relate. Later, he and his wife came up and hugged us and assured us we would get through this. They had done their "weekend" 11 years earlier and, by continuing to do the Daily Dialogues, their marriage is stronger and more passionate than ever. I don't know if you all or anyone reading this has tried the Marriage Encounter Weekend. But I highly recommend it! Love to you all!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
steppingup
Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, November 17th (Monday)

I just wanted to say, that despite how you feel about R or D or S with a WS, GOD HATES CHEATING and is looking out for the BS.

God wants the WS to get their acts together and SIN NO MORE.

My WW hated it when I quoted that scripture, I guess because she is a cake eater and does not want to stop, yes she is broken.

D is there for the BS, it is grace when there is no other way.

May God edify and give strength to all that seek Him in Love and Truth.

STEP.


STEP (BS) - too many DDays to count, DDays continue to come - WW is considering D and chasing her dreams.
"Cheating is so rampant it has become a sign of how mentally unwell and immature our society is".

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
intheblinkofaney
Member
Member # 45537
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, November 18th (Tuesday)

New here and asking for all the prayers I can get.

MArried 15 together 17
Dday oct 12
COmpetely devastated is putting it mildley.

I did not marry an A**, I married a good guy, who somehow managed to betray me in the worst possible way.

My heart is heavy with indecision. I want to work this out, but can I bear the pain.

Please God show me the way, let me know what to do


You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts
----------
10-12-14 D-Day
3-24-15 Giving R a chance

Posts: 417 | Registered: Nov 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, November 18th (Tuesday)

(((intheblinkofaneye))), you have come to the right place. There are some awesome people here who are faithful in their prayers. I will add you to my list for sure.

This is still so raw for you - my heart goes out to you. How is your H responding? Is he determined to make your marriage work? Is he remorseful? Has he completely cut it off with OW? That has a lot to do with what you will ultimately feel you should do.

If you need to vent, feel free. We have all been there and want to help you. Trust in God at this time - He can and will bring you comfort and wisdom if you yield to Him. He is why I am staying with my FWH. God bless!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
intheblinkofaney
Member
Member # 45537
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, November 18th (Tuesday)

WH is responding with remorse, has given access to passwords, etc.

He desperatly wants R, cut off OW, but somehow she keeps managiing to pop up.

dday oct 12 not sure at what point during this week he told her to stop contacting him (if he did) , but did not here from her until the 18th of oct when she changed her phone number and called him on his cell while he was at work. he answered not knowing the number and it was her.

He called to tell me she called him, and this began a day of super fun, where i called her and blessed her out for contacting him again told her to leave us alone. where she began texting all sorts of lovely things.

all quite untill nov 3rd when she emailed his work email asking how he was and saying she was thinking of him. he replied back with stop contacting me and that he regreted it all, where she responded with all sorts of venom.

all quite until 3-4 days ago when I got a mystery call at 1:40 in the morning . I did not recognize number so i did not answere, but called again so i answered it and she asked for if this wqas brees grandmother ?? I was like what ? and she said never minnd and hung up.

I texted the number back and said who is this and got a quick response of I was just wondering if this was brees parents .

I asked back is this and typed in the OW name. waited for a response and got nothing. i texted back are you hunting for and put my WH name in and got nothing. i texted he has a new number do you want it where i finally got a response of "i dont know WHAT or WHO you are but i was just hunting bree"

Can i be 100 sure this was her.. of course not, just to big of a coincidense if you aske me (and she has a daughter named bre)

Sorry i got a bit off track there.

I apreciate all prayers and thoughts for my heart to choose R and not D.


You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts
----------
10-12-14 D-Day
3-24-15 Giving R a chance

Posts: 417 | Registered: Nov 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, November 18th (Tuesday)

Intheblinkofaneye, it sounds like your FWH is trying to do all he can. Time will tell as you see how he handles your tears and anger as you process what happened. It is still so new for you. I hadn't even found this sight one-month out from Dday. I think it took almost 3 months.

How long did the A last? Whatever you do, do not engage the OW in conversation. That venom that she gave him when he told her it was over will be directed at you.

Work on healing yourself and your marriage. Make sure you get plenty to eat and that you get the rest you need.

It is HARD WORK, but it can end well. It really can....


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
lovemywife4ever
Member
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, November 18th (Tuesday)

I've been reading through the posts on this thread. I wish I found it sooner. If I could take it all back and not hurt my BS and not lose her, I would. Thank you for inspiring me to be better. I won't give up on her til it's over but she really hates me right now and maybe forever. I never go to Mass with her but went on my own for the first time in years the other day. It felt refreshing.


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M...this is not an excuse but a timeline of our life
Now: real love and maturing

Posts: 379 | Registered: Mar 2014
intheblinkofaney
Member
Member # 45537
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, November 18th (Tuesday)

Thanks again,everyone here is so kind.
The A lasted 4 months. 1 ONS and another ONS that turned into 3 months of him being her Knight in Shinning because she was just a girl down on her luck trying to get her life straight and he saved her life ....


You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts
----------
10-12-14 D-Day
3-24-15 Giving R a chance

Posts: 417 | Registered: Nov 2014
joannie
Member
Member # 42486
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, November 21st (Friday)

I don't go to church but i do pray and believe in God. Please can you send prayers for us and our family, no more pain ...just a long happy life now together...Does God answer such selfish prayers just asking for a good pain free life with my husband, I pary so as that's what i ask for, thanks


me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren

Posts: 217 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France
wmwb123
New Member
Member # 45672
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, November 21st (Friday)

My wife of 16 years left suddenly at the end of May. I found out she was having an affair in June. I exposed the affair in July, and she filed for divorce in August. We've had very minimal contact since then. The divorce will probably be final in January. We do not have children. Her parents have tried to talk sense into her, but she's dead set on divorce. I say all this as a brief background to ask for prayer. I would prefer to reconcile. I know the struggles that we will face, but I want to try. Please pray that she will lose interest in the OW and that the OW will lose interest in her.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, November 25th (Tuesday)

Joannie, it is not at all selfish to ask God to heal your marriage so there will be no more pain, etc. God is the Great Physician and the Mighty Counselor. He wants to and can bring healing. Also, He wants us to lift up all of our cares to Him. He knows our hearts anyway.

wmwb123, I am so sorry to hear about what is going on in your life. I will pray for healing for your marriage. I pray your wife will wake up and realize what she is losing and that she will return to you - wanting to make things right. That she will, indeed, grow tired of the other person. Hang in there!!

Hugs to you both!!

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 4:47 PM, November 25th (Tuesday)]


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Brass Tacks
Member
Member # 45275
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, November 25th (Tuesday)

I am a MH. I think this title may be the equivalent of being Mary Magdelene in the eyes of those with the stones in the Bible story.
I have been reading posts for weeks and finding wisdom and insight. I have posted some, but not revealed very much until today. I posted in General under the topic we had our first date again where I basically spilled it all out.

I am here for prayer and need it desparately however I feel vulnerable. I have read so many posts were the pure hate, venom, and bitterness just seeths for OW. Although I am a wayward ,and as penitant as is possible ,I have begun to take these comments personally. It is tearing me up really.

I am not that woman now, but I WAS! So part of me feels like I deserve it and that I really don't belong here even though this forum is the only place I have found that offers real tools and hope for my marriage.

I believe in God, I used to pray and have great faith. The events in my life and marriage in the last several years have all but totally extinguished that faith. I am destroyed. My health is destroyed, my career over, my home lost in foreclosure, my parents dead, and my marriage is hanging on by a thread.

My life story reads like a Russian novel complete with infidelity, first his, then mine. I have been blessed with a sense of humor that buoys me when all else fails but even that is running on empty.

If you pray, please pray for us. We hurt, we are so alone with this, his children have never really been supportive though we have been married 16 years now. The future is just bleak and cold.

Our hearts are broken. Even though I was a OW will you pray for me? I am NOT her anymore. I have no contact with my AP. I am doing all I can to help my husband. I am so ashamed to ask but my NEED our NEED is greater than my pride.

I know the God I used to know will help us, but I can't find him anymore!


Madhatter M 16 years and counting.
One Day at a Time.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: US
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, November 26th (Wednesday)

Dear Ayla,
I will pray for you and have added you to my prayer list. I'm glad you came to this site and found this thread. I pray you find peace in your life.
(((Ayla)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Brass Tacks
Member
Member # 45275
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, November 26th (Wednesday)

Thank you needfriendshere,

Thanks for your prayers. I just had a small pity party when I typed my earlier message. Doing better know. Feeling grateful. It is hard to feel bad about anything when I pause to be grateful.


Madhatter M 16 years and counting.
One Day at a Time.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: US
Brass Tacks
Member
Member # 45275
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, December 1st (Monday)

Dear Lord, I know you know the needs of each person that finds themselves here. It is a painful thing we each face. We can not do this alone or in our own power. We reach out to your infinite source of love and forgiveness to find our way.

Help us to listen to the healthy guidance of those that have been where we are. Show us the truth. Build us up so that we can bear the weight of these painful experiences and the memories they create. You love marriages and build families with them Lord. You understand what it takes to hold them together when sin creeps in on every side.

Be our shepherd among the wolves. Be our father among those that would lead us astray. Thank you for listening and loving us just as we are, right where we are. We ask special blessings on those that just found out. It is a dreadful trauma on the soul. Show us how to help each other and to reach out in charity. Amen.


Madhatter M 16 years and counting.
One Day at a Time.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: US
hihn
Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, December 1st (Monday)

((Ayala))

Your post moved me to tears. I felt your pain so deeply. I said a prayer for healing of your relationship. The God I know does answer my prayers. The God I know does love you and cares about you. He will paint beauty from your ashes. Keep believing in him and trust in him. I know he is there for you.

All my love, hihn


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
RegretfulHusband
Member
Member # 41873
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, December 1st (Monday)

As FWH, I'm hoping this question is applicable to this forum - most of what I've read here has been requests for prayers, rather than what I'm seeking.

I'm wondering how you each found god. Was it your upbringing, were you simply "indoctrinated" into faith at a young age by your family? Did you have an "aha" moment at some point that gave you your faith?

I believe there is some force out there that we don't understand, and I believe there was likely a man named Jesus who was seen as a saint at some point, but I've never been able to reconcile myself to the notion that you have to go to a specific building, on a specific day of the week to have faith or be near to god.


Please don't take this as inflammatory or sarcastic - it's an honest question. I am truly jealous of those that have found an unconditional and steadfast faith through whatever means they did, but it's never happened for me. I confess, I never went to Sunday School, only went to church because my parents brought me, never read or studied the bible, etc.

I would like to have that certainty, but every time I have tried speaking to god or praying, it feels scripted. It feels like I'm asking for forgiveness, or for "him" to take away the pain for my own selfish needs, rather than trying to understand the situation and learn from it.

I'm open to the idea of religion, and I think faith is a great thing, but all the terrible things that have been done for people's "faith"...it's hard to reconcile with that.

I don't want to just go through the motions to cover my ass in the event of an apocalypse. I want to better understand, but I don't know where to start without feeling like a fake.

Any thoughts?


Me: FWH, 35
Her: BS, 34
Married: 7.5 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys under 5


"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
intheblinkofaney
Member
Member # 45537
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, December 1st (Monday)

Please Lord heal my heart and take this pain from me. I know they say you don't give us more than we can handle, but I can not handle this alone.

I want to forgive and stop the hate that is filling up my soul. I want to laugh and smile and have joy again. Joy. How people take that for granted sometimes, but I swear I will never take it for granted if I can have it once more.

Please Lord let me not look upon my WH with hate as I do, please let me be able to say I love you again to this man that I pledged my heart and soul to.

PLease Lord it hurts more than I could ever imagine. I feel so dead and empty inside without Joy and Love.

I know we seem to call upon you only when we need something, and not thank you enough during the times when things are good.

I feel like maybe this is why I the pain is so great and the Joy remains gone.

How often have I thanked you Lord ? Not often enough.

PLease help me Lord


You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts
----------
10-12-14 D-Day
3-24-15 Giving R a chance

Posts: 417 | Registered: Nov 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, December 1st (Monday)

Regretfulhusband,
I came to a place of faith when I was 23 years old. A friend of mine invited me to her church and I went several times. The sermons were incredible. During one of them the words touched my heart. I realized that the God of the Universe came here in the flesh and died for me so that I would never, in any real sense, have to fear death. I also realized that I was a pretty self-centered and messed-up person, but that God loved me anyway. When I "gave my life to Christ", my life changed dramatically. In too many ways to enumerate here.

Since then, God has been a very real force in my life. I would not be here if not for Him. I have experienced miraculous healing (I shared about it somewhere in this thread a while back) and it is because of God that I am with my FWH right now trying to rebuild a broken marriage. The old me would have left him the minute I found out about the LTA - no question. But God told me to give my H a chance - one chance. I realized how much God loves him - and it is a lot - as I have been working with FWH to rebuild what we once had. With God's help, I have been able to see how much H does love me.

I have always wondered how people who do not know God - who have faith in "nothing" - make it through tragedies. When I pray, I often feel God's presence, which is literally a peace that passes understanding. Since I have come to that wonderful place of faith, I read the Bible and it speaks to my heart - often bringing me comfort as well as tremendous insights. Before that day in my life when I was 23, the Bible was largely gibberish to me. It "seemed" to be full of contradictions and was cloaked too much in mystery, with what seemed to be the most important messages of all told in confusing parables. Now, each time I prayerfully read it, the Bible comes alive.

Is my life always peaceful and wonderful since that day? Definitely not. I am not always, 100% of the time, focused on God or in prayer. Too much of the time these days, I find it hard to turn to Him and become pretty sad over what H did. Largely because OW will not stop flooding me with details of what H and she did and said to each other during those 6 years. The holidays are especially rough this year. But I do know that, because of my relationship with God, we can make it through all this.

BTW, God is all about relationships - He desires an intimate (not a detached) relationship with Him. And getting to know Him is such an incredible experience. Happens through faith, prayer, and reading His Word.

I hope this is the sort of response you were looking for. I also hope and pray that your journey leads you to the knowledge of an awesome and very loving God.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Brass Tacks
Member
Member # 45275
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, December 2nd (Tuesday)

In the blink of an eye, I am praying for you tonight. You know the Lord knows every detail of your life and is watching over it like a refiner of Gold mentioned in Isaiah I think. The point is the refiner, our Father, waits patiently watching as the heat purges out the impurities so that it can be skimmed from the top. Then only the highest grade of gold, which is His love steadfast in our hearts remain.

Now all of that symbolism means nothing if it can not be applied. You and your husband each have things that only God can remove from your life. He is a gentleman and will not do it unless He is asked. Now when He is asked it is a process. It takes time, sometimes a long time.

I hope you do not feel offended by my words, I offer them from my heart and life experience. Our Lord is a patient teacher. He waits for the right moment and then makes His will known. I do my best to be brave when He stirs me to speak. He knows my motives are pure.

Reaching out hear, praying is precious in His sight, I just know this in my heart. It is heartfelt and true. That authenticity calls out to an inauthentic world.

He knows exactly where you are in the process of refinement. The Word sates He neither slumbers nor sleeps so He has your back. It also says whatever is done in secret will be revealed. For us that is the A that has knocked us all sideways.


Note, that the A was NEVER a secret from Him. Now we could get mad about that and wonder or question why He did not keep it from happening but that is where free will stepped in. We each have free will to either accept or reject His path. His path is narrow. The worlds path is wide and millions run full speed there. I know I did at one point.

Our Lord understands exactly what we need. He provides it although often we have to take action of some kind to get it. We might need to read the Word. I love Psalms myself. I always find comfort there. They never fail me. We might need to pray. I often journal my prayers, over time it helps to go back and read what I prayed and the note how that prayer was answered. It is amazing how faithful He is, even when I stumble along.


Madhatter M 16 years and counting.
One Day at a Time.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: US
Brass Tacks
Member
Member # 45275
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, December 2nd (Tuesday)

Regretful Husband,

Well here you are with the rest of us reeling from the aftershocks of infidelity. It is not a comfortable place to be and yet we survived our A. We continue to seek a healthy marriage and want to be honest people again as waywards. So, now you think you just so happened to wander into a section for support through prayer. Maybe you did.


My story with God, or my higher power as I often say, or God as I understand him or rather how He understands me, which is the biggest mystery of all started very early in childhood. It has been a path of upheaval almost every few miles. Sometimes through the actions of others causing me to doubt, and sometimes my poor choices creating hell on earth for me and those that care about me.

I can honestly say that my intellect has been more of a curse than a blessing in regard to my faith. Deep calls to deep. That is in the Word. Deep faith cries out for deeper faith. Big questions lead to even bigger more complex questions. All I know as that despite my best efforts and worst behavior His love and provision has met me at every turn whether I knew it was Him or not.

I hope you keep asking questions. You do not have to be jealous. You can have this gift. It comes in many forms but the results are the same. We find unconditional love and acceptance. We find peace. We find truth and answers. We find hope. I was totally empty of any hope when I was in the depths of my A. I had no peace. I forgot where it had been all along. It is a free gift. Well, not totally free, it cost me my pride but I did not have much of that post A anyway.


I bet you already know who, with skin on, that is in your life to ask these questions of. They have reached out to you before. Or maybe it is that church you pass on the way to work with the sign out front that posts events, verses or phrases that cause you to consider things more complex that what your eyes can see or your ears can hear. Do you have children? Do you need guidance to be a better father to them? Well, God has been waiting a long time to let you get to know him better. He created you for a kind of honest friendship like you have never known.

You carry a lot of burdens He wants to help you with. He wants to teach you the answers to those nagging questions about yourself and others.

How do I know this? Because there is not one soul on the planet He does not want to reach out to. He has been waiting patiently for you. You are not weak to seek Him out, you are showing the qualities of curiosity and yes even doubt that He placed within you.

Come on in, the water is fine. There is always room for one more.



Madhatter M 16 years and counting.
One Day at a Time.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: US
RegretfulHusband
Member
Member # 41873
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday)

My sincere thanks to both NeedFriendsHere and Ayla.

Thank you both for your stories, and Ayla for your beautifully written message. Your faith is inspirational.

I am still at a loss for how to start, but I am interested in working on it.

Thank you again.


Me: FWH, 35
Her: BS, 34
Married: 7.5 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys under 5


"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
hihn
Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday)

Thank you Ayla for your post. It applies to all of us.


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
hihn
Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, December 6th (Saturday)

I have been praying for help in finding a way to forgive the last AP of my WH. I have desired to forgive her for some time now but my hatred for her actions in the past toward me continue to get in the way. I know she is to be pittied. I know she is weak and insecure. I know she is a sex/love addict. I know many things about her that screams she is a sad example of a human being and needs help. But something is blocking me from being able to forgive her for what she did, especially for coming into my home to interview my husband to determine whether she was going to sleep with him. Then sleeping with him in my home multiple times over the course of 5 months. Then there was her wanting take me for every cent she could get her hands on through WH. She did many other transgressions toward me. Still I would like to find someway to forgive her.


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, December 6th (Saturday)

I'm still working on forgiving my husband for his very long term adultery in my house. I'm no where near forgiving the slut who pretended to be a friend. I do pray that God would remind her night and day that she is an unrepentant adulterous slut, until she fully repents to him and her spouse. (She's till blaming her spouse and I for the two of them f**king and she still has a picture of my spouse up on her FB like a trophy)

A long way to say try praying for her a little bit at a time. It may lead to forgiveness. I do pray for my husband daily, just haven't gotten to forgiveness yet. I've heard forgiveness can be a daily thing to really get there.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
Brass Tacks
Member
Member # 45275
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, December 7th (Sunday)

Everyone has heard that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. I have found it to be true. For me it is a fairly simple equation although it requires a process and time to accomplish.

Everytime I remember the event or person that hurt me and feel those horrible emotions again I am exhibiting a resentment. Everytime I get to the anger or pain and do not find a healthy way to release it. I relive that experience. Over and over and over. By choice.

My equation is based on my belief that God has forgiven me of all my sins. All of them. I feel grateful for that. I certianly do not deserve forgiveness no matter the fault. I accept his forgiveness.

If I expect him to forgive me ,what gives me the right to deny anyone else that grace. Now getting to that willingness to forgive is a heart and souls journey.

I forgive as I can so that I no longer have to feel those horrible emotions brought on by resentments. I wantmy freedom from that darkness.

Hard work it is, but I have found it well worth it.


Madhatter M 16 years and counting.
One Day at a Time.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: US
joannie
Member
Member # 42486
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, December 16th (Tuesday)

please give me the strength to remain calm through the storm in r, to believe there is light at the end of a dark tunnel and God will keep my husband faithful forever to me, thank you


me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren

Posts: 217 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, December 16th (Tuesday)

Thank you for your posts Ayla. moving.


As I did my devotional today the topic was "the desert" and how God did work in others lives ...but often only after a time spent in the desert. Specifically it talked about separating us from others that we need to be seperated from in order to focus on Him and mature where we need to.....kind of an "eye opening" experience to grow past our own selves/coping mechs.

I have wondered why my helpmate is not by my side. Have been saddened to learn just how much "not by my side" gracerunner has been most of our M actually....but recently, the intentionallity of it is sinking in and is quite sobering. Don't believe in coincidences so I must be in my "desert time" for very specific reasons....the fact that that "desert" is much larger than I ever imagined possible doesn't change the fact that I am in a desert.

Not all together clear to me yet as to what all I need to learn from this time...but that is part of this too.

Pre-A I was prone to anxiety....always searching to understand everything, to "put away for a rainy day" constantly....hardly living in the present and was slowly loosing myself....and NOT in a Godly way, but in a very sinful, selfish way.

This trial has shown how laughable my efforts were! By the grace of God I have today to do differently. To BE different.

At first I thought it punishment. I am aware of some grievous sins of mine of my past and struggled with shame and guilt for a bit. I prayed to be comforted.

As I mature spiritually I believe my journey is as it is because God does really love us. He is not punishing us, He is allowing this trial to play out as it is for our good....for our growth.

I have noticed my prayer life to be transforming from one of "comfort" to one of being "conformed".

Still...the "flesh" part of me is alive and well....but am tapping into the spirit God put in each one of us and am learning to use the power, love and self-discipline that makes up His spirit.

I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I was!

Peace


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, December 16th (Tuesday)

God uses trials and tribulations to develop the right qualities in us, yes even this affair trial. To be clear, your spouse’s affair was not God’s plan or will. That was a failing of your spouse, but now that it’s happened and it can’t be undone, God will use it to help you grow, and that’s the key to finding a better life on the other side of the pain.

An excerpt from my readings.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
intheblinkofaney
Member
Member # 45537
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, December 16th (Tuesday)

I do not wish to offend anyone here, but do you think the Lord understands my Love/Anger I have towards him right now ??

I grew up in church and have always believed.

But now I am so very angry with Jesus for allowing this to happen and for not preforming some sort of divine intervention to cause WH to not do what he did ??

I prayed to God why did you not let him have a car wreck or something on his way to have sex !! Stop him anyway you could ?? WHy ??

Then I feel great sadness and apologize to God and ask for forgiveness that I said such things !

Why me ? WHat lesson is to be learned ?
How can this pissibly make me stronger ?

I love GOd but am angry with him at the same time !


You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts
----------
10-12-14 D-Day
3-24-15 Giving R a chance

Posts: 417 | Registered: Nov 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, December 16th (Tuesday)

Yes, God understands your anger.

It took me 6 months to find anger....as I did gracerunner chose to take her EA to PA status.....believe me, I was livid with God! And I let Him know about it.

2 years out now....here is what I think I have learned.

God can handle anything we give Him.

God loves us too much to control us....that's what satan wants to do. God CAN control us but loves us too much to do so. Satan would love to control us, but can't....he can only tempt us, deceive us.

God gives us a spirit of power, love and self discipline. We gat to choose how we tap into that, or don't. Waywards don't....they lack power to resist temptation, lack love for all others, and have zero self discipline.

2 years out....I see more clearly how my own selfish, fleshly, sinful nature can and has led me to sin.

Yeah....I pray a miracle happens in my life.....but I also realize I am a blessed man.


Remember too that God recognizes righteous anger as a healthy tool to resist things that harm us.

Sucks it is the one person who vowed to NOT harm us are the very ones that hurt us deeper than any one else could. It is absolutely critical that righteous anger be employed when this happens.

Through my own brokenness....I was too weak to use it early on.....but am no longer that man.

That is the blessing that is Jesus....through him we can be made new.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, December 27th (Saturday)

An excerpt from my devotional today....though I would share.

I have had a number of close relationships that ended in betrayal. I am very loyal to my friends and those with whom I have covenant relationships. Yet there are times that no matter how righteous you are, when someone means to betray you, he will do it. Loving those who betray you is "graduate-level Christianity." The religious community and one of His closest friends betrayed Jesus. Those who were closest to David betrayed him. Joseph's own family betrayed him. Loving our enemies cannot be accomplished by mustering it up. It can only happen when we have come to a death in ourselves so that Christ can love through us. It is truly one of those acts of identifying with the cross.

If you are a leader, you can be sure God will allow you to experience betrayal. It is one of those courses in the Kingdom that may not be required until God has seen that you have successfully passed other tests. It is the most difficult and most gut wrenching of all tests. A godly response goes against all that is in us. Our natural response is to protect, retaliate, and retain unforgiveness and bitterness. Our natural response is satan's most powerful weapon; to overcome it requires much grace from God. Ask God to build His nature in you now so that when such attacks come, you will be aware that it is a test and you will respond in righteousness


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, December 27th (Saturday)

Thank you blakesteel

Good devotional and I passed it onto someone else.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, December 27th (Saturday)

Your welcome BrokenheartedWif.

For the record....I struggle hard against what comes naturally to me.

I also must keep in mind that God did not make this trial a part of my life....this occurred because of a shortfall within Gracerunner.

God loves us so much He gives us free will and rarely intervenes with our use of it.....even when we use it so destructively. He also loves us so much that He will not let trials go without using them for our good. As painful as this is....good IS coming from it.

Still.....my selfish nature resists living righteously yet today.

I struggle.

Glad this comforted you today....it helped me this morning too!

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:17 PM, December 27th (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, December 28th (Sunday)

Blakesteel,
I loved the devotional you shared with us. God is teaching me this type of forgiveness. And this type of love. It goes so much against natural human instinct that I have lost some friends who no longer respect me for A.) staying with my husband after what he has done, and B.) for forgiving and praying for the OW, who has made it her mission in life to destroy us and our marriage. I needed the encouragement that you shared here. Thank you so much! I pray all is getting better with you and yours.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
whyme3786
Member
Member # 44713
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, December 29th (Monday)

Hi All
I have grown in my faith so much through all of this since finding out my wife was cheating with her coworker, confrontation and her moving out and abandoning me and our 5 year old son for some time. I continue to go to church, read devotionals, pray, just talk to God and ask for forgiveness for my shortfalls. I just hurt so bad and cry so much in church like a baby and it seems as if I cry for her wrongdoing as much as my loss. This has been the hardest four months of my life it seems.

As I told my pastor I have hoped beyond hope that she would walk in during service, sit with me and all would be well, I have hoped for a I’m sorry, I’ve prayed for her forgiveness, that this hurt wouldn’t affect our son, that the pain would stop but it just is so bad and I have such despair.

I will never understand what is behind all of this but I hope God’s plan unfolds with something wonderful… sorry just in pain today.


Everything perfect or so I thought 8/22/14
D Day 8/23
Filed for divorce grounds adultery 9/4/14
Me BS 46. WS 36
Beautiful Wonderful 5 year old son

Dying ain't a way to make a living boy


Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, January 5th (Monday)

Whyme3786, Gosh! I am so sorry for your pain. I am finally getting back onto SI after a couple of weeks off and just saw your post.

My heart goes out to you. How are you doing now? Please let me know.

(((Whyme3786)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, January 7th (Wednesday)

Thanks needfriendshere.

I am in a dark spot right now...learning to be still and wait on the Lord is becoming easier for me though.

whyme3786....I am sorry to read of your pain. Am encouraged that you have faith that God, the perfect Father, will not ever abandon you. Be cautious of satan as he is prowling around, tempting us to act on our feelings and abandon God.....to doubt and loose faith.

Keep reaching out. PM me if you would like.

Todays devotional has me understanding that we are meant to live forwward with or without full understanding and that by looking back we CAN understand. But cautions to NOT get stuck in the past.

We go through valleys as part of our time on this earth....time used to mature us into the children of God we are designed to be for eternity when we leave this world. It is ugly and painful at times......but keep the faith. When we continue to honor God's will He will see to it that we come up out of the valleys and reach the mountain top.

Once up on the mountain top those scary, dark, hurtful valleys look as they are....beautifully crafted by God for the betterment of his children.

All good things come to those who believe in Him.

Adultery is as strong a "crisis in faith" as they come. God specifically recognizes this. He understands what this trial is....and He will not allow anything in our life that we, with His help, can not grow through and to the next level.

I have added you to my prayer list....which is now quite long! I have to read fast during our prayer time on Sunday just to get through it in time to pay attention to the following sermon. Thankfully, I have the list with me at all times and make time to go through it in more peaceful fashion throughout the week.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:45 AM, January 7th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, January 7th (Wednesday)

Blakesteel

Can you share the devotional? It's hard to try and understand the craziness of Adultery, so I'm struggling with the past and the length of his poor choices.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, January 7th (Wednesday)

I come back to this: without God, I would have kicked FWH to the curb months ago. No question.

God asked me on Dday, when I prayed my heart out during the 2 hours it took H to get home from work, to forgive him and to give him a chance - 1 chance. And if he falls again to turn him over to Satan.

Since then, and as the horrible truth trickles in, I keep asking God, "O.K., does this new revelation qualify as that one chance? Do I let him go now?" A part of me is sick to death of it and just wants a normal life. A life without a vengeful OW. A life without being bombarded with hurtful texts that the one and only love of my life sent to another woman while he was united to me. A life without fear of what OW will do next or what my FWH will admit to doing when he was "living in darkness".

And the answer I keep getting is to keep forgiving - and to continue praying for both FWH and OW. God reminds me that we live in a fallen world and that we all sin. He reminds me that as I pray "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us", He will hold me accountable for those words. And that if I don't mean them, I should never say them.

Through all - and I mean ALL - of the crap that has transpired since Dday, God has been teaching me a lot about what true forgiveness looks like. Like me, He was betrayed - by everyone - to the point of His people calling for and initiating His death. Yet one of His last statements was about forgiving...

I can only hope that, when the dust settles, I will be a stronger person and a much stronger Christian. What ultimately happens with my H is between him and God.

I don't know if this makes sense to any of you, but it's what keeps me hanging on to a marriage that most people would have bailed out of eons ago. I have to believe that God rewards us when we truly forgive - if by no other means than to truly forgive us!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, January 8th (Thursday)

As requested:

Living Forward, Understanding Backward
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1, by Os Hillman
12-01-2014
"The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it." - 1 Thessalonians 5:24

When I was in my 20's, I participated in a wilderness-training course in a desert and mountain area. For our "final exam," we were blindfolded, placed in the back of a pickup truck, and taken to a remote area. We were dropped off and told to meet back at the camp in three days. We did not know where we were. We had to determine our location with our compasses. It was a frightening experience for four young people who had learned to navigate through the use of a compass only a few days earlier. With our food and water on our backs, we began our trek. It had just snowed that morning, so the way was difficult. We walked through valleys, canyons, snow-covered hills, and forests. In all, we walked more than 60 miles in three days. There were times when we did not think we could go another foot. Exhaustion and frostbitten feet were taking their toll. However, we finally made it to our base camp successfully, and to our surprise, we were the first ones among the other patrols to make it back.

At the conclusion of our journey, we were able to stand on top of a ridge, look behind us and see the beautiful terrain that we had just scaled. The pain of what we had just endured seemed to subside. We could not believe we had actually walked through those valleys and snowcapped hills. There was a sense of accomplishment.

Life is very much like this. It is often lived forward, but understood backward. It is not until we are down the road a bit that we can appreciate the terrain God has allowed us to scale and the spiritual deposits He has made in our life as a result. When you begin to realize some of this, you sit back and breathe a sigh of relief because you know that God was in control all along. It didn't seem like it at the time, but He was.

Are you in the midst of a difficult journey that seems almost impossible to continue? Be assured that God is providing grace even now to equip you for that journey. There will be a time when you can say, "Wow, look at what God has done because of what I gained through that valley." Trust Him with the outcome of where you find yourself today.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, January 8th (Thursday)

needfriendshere.....our post-A lives are filled with crisis of faith. While the brokenness that it took to get our M's where they are at was ever present pre-A we are no longer blind as we were.

This new sight hurts. As we face the bright light of truth over the very real facts that our spouses so completely and actively chose adultery that same light illuminates within us. We see parts of us that were not as we assumed or wanted.

I am sufficiently humbled to admit I don't know all of Gods will for my M....but I do know he desires us to live in the light. As I


And for me....that's a pretty new experience.

And like you, I have only been able to do this with His help.

Arrogance and ignorance. Pretty large blockers to intimacy.....both within our human relationships but most importantly within our relationship with God.

I am more aware now than ever just how much grace, mercy and love He has for us all.

God is with us all


P.s. As I meditated on that devotional I became aware that I was not thrust into some of the valleys behind me.....I choose paths that led me into them. Realizing that depressed me at first....then I realized that is satan at work. God does it give us a spirit of saddness and fear...that's where satan wants us to choose to be. God gives us a spirit of power, love and self discipline.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:51 AM, January 8th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, January 8th (Thursday)

Blakesteel

Thank you for posting the devotional, and sharing how it and others have touched you.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, January 14th (Wednesday)

You're welcome.

Today I was listening to "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley.

"Maybe there is a God above
All I ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who out drew you"


I pray that eyes will be opened and spouses will be alert to the schemes and temptations Satan throws their way. It may be an 'innocent' flirt; a shoulder to cry on for another man or women;

Fixin to go on a work related trip....I pray for courage and strength regularly, and am doing so again now.

Lord, be with us all.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, January 26th (Monday)

Please pray for me. I am under attack.

Found a hotel key card in my wife's car and found a schedule change occurred that was not communicated to me that gave my wife a 2 hour "solo window" between our girls getting out of school and me normally being home. I came home early to work on my classic car and this is how I found out about that.

I am praying for support as I wrestle with anxiety.

Both COULD be "nothing", but COULD be real facts from which to make real choices.

Are these real facts that warrant real life choices? Or is it satan tempting me to choose destructively based on false assumptions and not facts. Deception is one of his strongest tools....and I have sinned many times through this method. I so don't want to do that.

I am choosing to contact a D lawyer but am not intending to file paperwork at this time.

Lord help me, I fully expect another DD.

I am weak. Am hopeful that the fact I recognize that is pushing me to wait on God.

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, January 26th (Monday)

((Blakesteel))


Praying for you and guidance.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, January 26th (Monday)

Blakesteele,
I just prayed and will keep praying for you.
I know how you feel - with all my heart I do. It looks like we are under the same kind of attack.

My H has been wonderful but we, too, had a bad spell that just ended yesterday. OW contacted one of my best friends, whom I spent a weekend talking (and praying) with.

Bottom line: Like you, I will begin to get my ducks in a row "just in case". But I am still hoping - for both of us, Blake, that things will work out. I know it is what you want, what I want and, ultimately, what the Lord wants. He hates divorce about as much as He hates adultery. I pray that the key you found is purely innocent. I also pray that your wife will be more sensitive to your needs, and to be careful to not set off any more triggers as you try to heal. That stupid key was just that (I hope) - a trigger. I've had a few lately too! The enemy is working overtime!!

God bless you!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, January 26th (Monday)

No words Blake ...just sending prayers and strength...
Will be attending mass tomorrow and will offer it up for you and your family....
I know that feeling of finding something that could have a perfect explanation BUT the mind goes to a dark place....
it is like vertigo....the stomach drops and the cold sweat....
stay calm ( yea right) Satan is at work when the mind goes 'dark' ....Satan does not want peace of mind....evil loves turmoil and fear....try not to give into it.....

Peace


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 881 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, January 26th (Monday)

God bless us all.

God doesn't give us a spirit of fear....that's satans desire. God gives us a spirit of power love and self discipline.

Peace


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, January 26th (Monday)

If we are to love others as we love ourselves, should we not love ourselves, first?

I prayed for certain outcome - a time or two! - yet as I was advised in astonishment that I was praying a selfish prayer, then I wonder.

I know I was captivated by preordained outcomes, the ones I could imagine anyway, maybe now I'll pray for weakness? Better to rely on His strength, not mine anyway...
'sides, as Romans tells me anyway - don't know how to pray as I should, the HS knows the groanings of my heart, I just try to be quiet inside, and with my askings, boiling it down to Thy will be done... challenging that! Thy will be done!

An old joke.
Most of us want to "serve God"...
as advisers!
I was, and still am.
Till I catch myself - grace be to Him. Not me, still!
I gotta love myself!

Now how do I do that?
I think the answer's "through Him", I'm on a path of appreciation. of that.


Posts: 7037 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, January 27th (Tuesday)

Well stated jjct.

How many times I prayed "it be anything but adultery".

The love within ones self must be there before it can flow out of oneself. CoD choices elude to the fact that this love is lacking....still not confident that is 100% correct but I get the sense it is.

God hates D....of that we are sure of. We are called to forgive as a bitter, hardened heart prohibits Gods will from being done through us. In fact that is a playground for satan and is a birthing ground for much sin.

But we are not called to reconcile with a person intent on choosing the same known sin. When a person flees and repents from sin....real R is an option.

Until then?


God knows our struggles before they are a part of our lives.

God knows our needs even if we don't "pray right".

God is good.....all the time.

Peace


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, January 27th (Tuesday)

No, Blakesteele, we are not called to reconcile with a person who is intent on remaining in their sin. In my case, I know that if my H cheats again, I HAVE to let him go - for his good as well as mine (thus my getting my ducks in their row).

In your case, I prayed that the key you found was from long ago and that your FWW is just that - a "former" WW.

BTW, how did that go? Please let me know. You remain in my prayers.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, January 27th (Tuesday)

@Blakesteele, I am so very sorry. I will pray for you. It is so horrific - this pain of betrayal, this constant re-traumatizing. I pray for peace that passes all understanding to guard your heart and your mind.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jul 2013
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, January 27th (Tuesday)

I would appreciate prayer, as I am entering the major "A season". My birthday, Valentine's Day and my daughter's 18th birthday all happen in the next few months, and they are all massive triggers. We are in a healthy R, as far as I know, but we are having a lot of financial stresses - also another huge trigger. My H bought OW a Valentines gift during the A, but didn't buy me anything because we couldn't afford it. Now he is stressing about having no money for my birthday, and being very passive-aggressive, tbh. I am emotionally detaching. Prayer would be appreciated.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jul 2013
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, January 27th (Tuesday)

Plainpain, I am praying for you. I understand about this time of year and its triggers. My FWH always sent a bouquet of flowers (roses, I imagine) to OW on Valentine's Day. In fact, Dday was last Valentine's Day. I intercepted an extremely romantic card he sent her.

But for you it is also your birthday? Ouch! I will remember you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hang in there!!

(((Plainpain)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
lmf9
Member
Member # 43467
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, January 27th (Tuesday)

Hi everyone, I hope that you all are finding peace in the midst of your storms. I am asking for prayers on behalf of my STBXWH, myself, and my children. Prayers that my STBX seeks help for his issues inspite of the fact that the M is over, and that he becomes the man that his children need him to be. Prayers that I can be delivered from the hurt and anger that is eating away at me, and to have the strength to raise these children on my own. Finally, please pray for my children. They are hurting. Thank you! My prayers are with you all as well.


"Trouble looms when monogamy is no longer a free expression of loyalty but a form of forced compliance." Esther Perel

Reinventing Myself.....


Posts: 145 | Registered: May 2014
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, January 27th (Tuesday)

@needfriendshere, thank you. I am fighting bitterness - we are still in debt because of his MLC, and OW received a lot of money from him by way of dinners, gifts, etc. She got a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. I got a card. He didn't care about her - he just loved playing "sugar Daddy". It made him feel powerful. I can never give him that feeling, although God knows I tried in every way possible before the A.

It would be easier if we weren't literally still paying for the A. And he is depressed because of the debt. He is trying to be financially responsible for the first time in his life, and he can't buy me anything. So I fall back into the whole, "It's ok, I don't need anything", trap - which I have ALWAYS done, and which allows him to put me and my feelings lower on the list of priorities, and emasculates him somehow at the same time. I can't win. He can't win. It's no win here. It's MY birthday, and it stresses HIM out. In five years I'll be 50, and she'll STILL be in her 20s. It's so impossibly painful sometimes just to keep going.

I am trying to remember it is "A season", and just ride it out. I am praying for bitterness not to take root. I am praying for forgiveness, for miracles, for new mercies. I am praying for wisdom and grace and patience and hope. I don't feel like God hears me at all.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jul 2013
sorrowfulmate
Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, January 28th (Wednesday)

Hi all,

I am asking for prayers the next four days.

My wife, my 8 year old, and myself are flying down to Texas to pick up a car from my mom. She is giving it to us. We are driving it back with my Mom so she can come up and see her grandkids.

The trip will probably be triggery for my wife because 3 of my APs are in 60 miles of my mom's home. Also the route home will probably take us through a state that another one of my APs lives in.

Due to trickle truth, the whole truth about my past didn't get revealed till September when I took a polygraph. Both my wife and I are working hard toward reconciliation.

I am now in AA, and have been sober 8 months, I attend SA meetings, and I meet with my IC regularly. I am working hard to make myself safe, build good boundaries, and be the husband she needs and deserves.

So pray to the Lord that he gives us the grace to be able to navigate any and all things that come up to challenge us. Pray for me to continue my journey into sobriety. Pray for my wife that she may be wrapped in the healing grace of our Lord.

Thank you.


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 592 | Registered: May 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, January 29th (Thursday)

Just finished lifting you all up in prayer. Imf9, how old are your children? Do they understand what is happening? I can only imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry.

Plainpain, with everything you have going on over there, I really admire you for holding it together as you are doing. And for being "here" as you are for the rest of us - offering support and prayer. If you want a shoulder, I am here for you. You can send me a private message if you ever need to. Any of you can.

Blakesteele, I am hoping that things are going better over there - that your FWS still is just that - a "former" WS.

And sorrowfulmate, prayers are going out to you as you go to and from Texas, and as you become the husband you are striving to be. Your true repentance speaks volumes and will take you far.

God bless you all!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
lmf9
Member
Member # 43467
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, January 29th (Thursday)

Thank you Needsfriendshere! This is the hardest thing I've ever been through and unfortunately our children are very aware. Our sons are 16, 12, and 6 months old; and our daughters are 9 (mildly Autistic) and 5 (severely Autistic). Sometimes I can't breath I hurt so much for them. Thank you again for your prayers. They are needed and appreciated.


"Trouble looms when monogamy is no longer a free expression of loyalty but a form of forced compliance." Esther Perel

Reinventing Myself.....


Posts: 145 | Registered: May 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, February 1st (Sunday)

Imf9, how are you today? Please stay in touch.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, February 2nd (Monday)

Prayers for y'all. Did my heart good to see a formally wayward pray for his BS.

Darkness here. Meeting with a D attorney. I hate it so much.....I am seeking mans guidance over Gods. Lord help me, I still struggle between right choices and CoD wrong choices.

So far.....no more discoveries.....but my gut will not rest.

I continue to ask God to show me what to do, I give my heart to Him each morning, asking Him to lead each choice.


Below is a devotional I "blindly" turned to today (ie: not the one "scheduled" for today.


[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:24 AM, February 2nd (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, February 2nd (Monday)

I continue to ask God to show me what to do,

same here. I've been asking for three years. I have considered he is showing me but I'm not listening or looking in the right direction.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Relax, everything’s out of control” – Adi Da Samraj


Posts: 6919 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, February 2nd (Monday)


Today's Prayer
God, Do You sense an independent spirit within me--one that hinders me from joining others in the mission You have called me to? While I do enjoy independence, it's nice sometimes to depend on someone else, to not have the whole weight of the world on my own shoulders. Help me to work with and live in harmony with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I want to help keep unity among believers as we go forward for the cause of Christ. If that means You need to work on that independent spirit within me, so be it. Help me, please. I love you, God. In Jesus name, amen.

Deep Things
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman
02-02-2015

"He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into the light" (Job 12:22).

One of the great mysteries of the Kingdom is how God uses the darkest times in our lives to reveal greater depths of understanding of His ways. The only way we can receive these deeper things is to be driven to the depths of darkness. It is here that we discover important truths that He plans to use in our lives and the lives of others.

There is a process God uses to draw us into greater levels of intimacy. The first phase involves a depth of soul experience that causes great pain in our lives. We seek God for deliverance from the incredible emotional pain this causes. Our primary motivation for seeking God is to get out of our pain.

During this time, God meets us in the depths of darkness. We discover that He never left us but is in the midst of the darkness. We develop a new relationship with God. Gradually our motivation turns from removal of pain to love and intimacy with God. This is the place our Heavenly Father desires us to be.

During this season God will make spiritual deposits into your life. Others will be making withdrawals in the future from your life as well. You see, God reveals deep things in darkness that will be revealed in the light.

If you find yourself in great distress, know that God will bring your deep shadows into the light. The key to your deliverance is becoming satisfied in God. He becomes your all. He is your life. You will know your deliverance is near when your circumstances simply don't matter to you anymore.

Love the Lord your God with all your soul and see what things He will show you in the deep things of darkness.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, February 2nd (Monday)

I have considered he is showing me but I'm not listening or looking in the right direction.

Me too.

I don't believe in coincidences.

I believe I have for too long looked to gracerunner for direction, to others for my self-worth, to accomplishments to equate my own value.

Man, I am a slow learner. But I was designed by God. I believe this trial is cutting away the parts of me that I installed....parts that were keeping me from whom I was designed to be, but "protected me" when I needed protecting (which was a very short lived time of my life, but I didn't realize that).

Appreciate your honest posts showing how you struggle with your imperfections....makes me feel less abnormal.

I am currently facing a dishonest situation at work....big time trigger for me as I asked a superior point-blank about a situation and was told directly it is NOT happening. Now it appears it IS happening.

Is this God allowing another trial into my life to mature me further? Or is it Him urging me to leave my good paying job and take a step of faith that I am meant for something else? A part of me thinks I am exactly where I need to be, but a part of me wonders when do I leave?

Among the many idols in my life, financial security has been a top one. I am blessed with a job that has us financially free. I falsely believed if my family could just be financially secure I would not experience abandonment again in my life and my girls wouldn't feel abandoned...avoiding the pain I felt as a child. I was told as a child that my Mom divorced my Dad because he could not provide financial stability....but then I saw my Mom choose just like my Dad did with regards to finances. It was confusing....but my child brain reasoned "Mom doesn't have time for me because she is not financially secure. When she is financially secure, I will matter again."

So much of my M I kept "putting off". "We will reconnect when _______" Fill in the blank with all kinds of bogus things. Things that enabled my "perfectionist tendencies", kept my fears at a manageable level....and effectively killed any chance of real intimacy, real peace from my life.

Anyway......I was wrong. Wrong to think a healthy M was so "simple". Wrong to think I had total control over relationships.

Understanding where my CoD came from is super easy....breaking and staying free from those "comfortable" choices is proving quite a task!

Still....I struggle with staying away from "black and white", "all good all bad" thinking. Made stronger with the PTSD-like symptoms I experienced upon discovering gracerunners affair.

still searching for answers.

TiredGirl is right....my peace must come from within and be able to withstand stress's like finding hotel key cards where they shouldnt be, reading illicit texts between my wife and another man, discovering bold faced lies, etc.

I do believe I am getting there....I believe you are too.

I pray your recent strong struggles are an indicator you are about to cross a threshold.

I have seen this process repeat itself in my own life.....think "this" will never resolve itself, then another choice is seen.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:31 AM, February 2nd (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, February 2nd (Monday)

Many years ago when kids were still little I wanted to move. Everything seemed to point in the direction to move and the H job situation changed....he could now be a partner in his practice....he said he would commute...the commute was an hour at best each way....I was conflicted and knew it would be selfish on my part....we would never see him in the daylight except weekends! Then one day I was putting laundry away and I felt this amazing sense of PEACE come over me...I knew it was the Blessed Mother telling me it will all be OK....we did not move...we stayed and I KNOW that was the right decision ....now fast forward 26 years later I long for that overwhelming sense of peace....and maybe like Rachel said....I am not listening...this is why I sit...and try and be still....
God has shown me the light ....I know for a fact HE knew when I would be ready for dday....I had felt an odd presence for at least 2 days before I found out....no coincides at all....I need to listen now too as we navigate through some tough times...you are all in my prayers
peace


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 881 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, February 2nd (Monday)

And blakesteele I will add this...rememeber I mentioned the Richard Rohr book of devotions for men...well my 2 sons and son in law are reading and they have had some great discussions with my H about it....and NO they don't agree with everything he says but they like A LOT of what he does say....it makes my heart happy....
I feel you are at a crossroads in your life right now and it feels " uncomfortable" for lack of a better word....but sit with yourself and try and listen..HE will never leave your side....or your girls or GR either....this I have learned the most in these last few years of my life....God is like gum on your shoe....every step you still feel that stickiness ....feel it sit with it HE ain't going anywhere...
peace


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 881 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:54 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday)

God has shown me the light ....I know for a fact HE knew when I would be ready for dday..


As I go along my journey, this statement rings very true.

My DD's happened when I could handle them....with His help.

My awareness of my own destructive choices has occurred when I could handle them....with His help.

Each time it was with great pain that I faced them and handled them. Not perfectly, but completely...at least to the point of acceptance and then into the process of both my heart and mind coming together over them.


I am being still. I have disengaged from gracerunner over the past 6 months. We are GREAT roommates.


I do struggle with my choice to seek mans advice over God's....which is what I am doing as I visit with my attorney.

Is it satan at work for me to think reaching out legally to prepare for what I feel is yet another DD from Gracerunner?

Is my gut wrong this time and is that satan tempting me to actions that aren't warranted?

I am not formally filing the papers yet...figured I've been living this for 2.5 years, whats the rush?


My primary goal through this trial is to NOT become bitter and hardened. God can not use me if my heart is closed off. And thats the kicker....when you wall your heart off from one person, it hurts intimacy with all.

Those walls you think are protecting you morph into a prison cell.

I see that in my older brother following his failed M. I see that in my Mom after her failed M. I see gracerunner feeling isolated and alone as she sits in her cell.

This is NOT Gods will for any of us. I don't pretend to know Gods specific will for me...or why my M is going this direction, but I do know without a doubt in my head that we are not meant to be hard hearted and walled off. I am so confident in that because God desires to use us to do His will. If we wall ourselves off from others, we wall ourselves off from Him. We use our free will instead of being open to doing His will.

I'm struggling with my own self today.

I appreciate this thread. its not nearly as active as any other thread....but it speaks to me like none other.


God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:54 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday)

My relationship with God is a huge plus to this trial. It has put me in positions to really look to Him, and Him ONLY. I believe that is partly why my trial has had gracerunner choosing as she has....to break me of using her as an idol. It has taken many betrayals for me to finally get that she can not do for me what only God can do. I am resisting satans attack on my self worth by keeping gracerunners comments and choices where they belong....a reflection of her, not of me.

I woke one morning to this very real, very comforting thought in my head.

"Thank you God for NOT having me fall prey to equating my self worth to how gracerunner treats, thinks or speaks to me." For years I missed this point completely....and it limited me.

I so enjoy watching my girls grow in their faith.

Example:

We listened to the "Devil Went Down to Georgia" by Charlie Daniels the other day. At the end of the song my oldest asks

"Daddy, is that song about what I think its about?"

"yep, a man bet his soul that he could outplay the devil on the fiddle. Do you think you would do that?"

"No way!!!!"

"How about you?" I asked our youngest daughter.

"I'd be like....ITS ON!!!!"

"Okay, what would be your first step in that battle?"

"Oh, I would ask God to help me, but I would still be like "its on!!!""

smile.


At age 8 I had no real concept of what God was to my life....no inkling of an idea that this is a very real, very personal, very living relationship available to me (to us all).

They do. My youngest even knew what I was going to advise when she answered my second question to her! She didn't think to ask for MY help first...she knows to go to God first.

yeah, they are young and have lots of spiritual maturing to do....but they are starting with such a "real" sense of God that I simply didn't have until about 4 years ago...maybe 5.


My spiritual growth, like all other growth, has been painful. It seems the stronger I grow spiritually the more I recognize my own sinful nature. Thank God for other folks along this journey! Visiting with them gives me the strength to keep going and not give up.

Cool thing about my relationship with God.....one of us IS perfect!

Peace, my friend.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:06 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday)

It's been a few days since I've been here. So much to think about!
First of all, I don't feel like we are choosing man's ways over God's if we prepare for potential disasters, which this has been for so many of us. I have recently been told to "get my ducks in a row" just in case. And I am taking baby steps toward doing so. I pray I never have to actually to move in that direction. But don't want to be blindsided again being left feeling like I have no options but to stay with someone who has chosen a life of deceit and lies either.
And, Blakesteele, God has blessed you with a good job. Unless YOU are asked to do something that goes against your beliefs or morals, please don't let it go. You have two daughters and before you know it, there will be college, etc.
One of my "issues" is that I am only partially employed. Makes getting those ducks in a row a bit difficult, for one very minor thing.
I love the prayers and devotionals you post. Keep on trusting in Him. It will take you far. Hang in there and know you are covered in prayer.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
manwhocantbemove
Member
Member # 45699
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday)

I'm not really a religious person (I'm actually Jewish, WW is Christian and my children are baptized Episcopal) but I'm looking for help anywhere I can find it. I need strength. There is so much weight on my shoulders and I feel like it is crushing me and I can't breathe.

If you could please say a prayer for me and my family - I would appreciate it greatly.


Me: BH - 31
Her: WW - 31 and had A whole pregnant with our 3rd kid
Family: DS (3) and DS (2), another one coming (finally here- it's a girl!!)

Sometimes I can't believe I can hurt so bad and not be dying

DDay: 11-13-14 : 6 month EA,


Posts: 115 | Registered: Nov 2014
Regret44
Member
Member # 45384
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday)

MWCBM...

I'm a wayward so I hope it's ok to respond. It's just that I've been following your story and your wife's journey as well. I'm pulling for you and your family - I think we all are.

I haven't prayed in forever (not really religious either), but this morning I did. For you and for her.

You're stronger than you know.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: doesn't matter
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday)

Manwhocantbemoved,
I am lifting up prayers for you. If you'd like, you can PM me.
I can only imagine what you are going through. This whole thing (betrayal by the one we love and trust the most) is so painful. I know my life will never be the same.
You are not alone. And, yes, you can get MUCH strength from God. This is a good place to be.
Hugs!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
manwhocantbemove
Member
Member # 45699
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday)

Regret and Friends - thank you do much. I appreciate it greatly.


Me: BH - 31
Her: WW - 31 and had A whole pregnant with our 3rd kid
Family: DS (3) and DS (2), another one coming (finally here- it's a girl!!)

Sometimes I can't believe I can hurt so bad and not be dying

DDay: 11-13-14 : 6 month EA,


Posts: 115 | Registered: Nov 2014
hihn
Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, February 8th (Sunday)

Blakesteele

Sorry I haven't been in SI for a long time. I read some of your recent posts here. I am detecting some recent spiritual and inner growth for you has happened since I have been away from SI. For some reason it made me think of an oldie but Goldie and once upon time very popular prayer. I believe you have had some of this prayer happen for you if not all of it. Don't know if you were even praying for it. So here is the prayer:

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely
happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen


I pray this for all of us here in SI. Amen and Amen


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, February 9th (Monday)

Thanks hihn. I do feel strangely peaceful as of late.

Yesterday, the "plausible excuse" for the hotel key card evaporated. I still don't have facts to act on, but their was a hotel key card in gracerunners car with no reason. The live shack they used in the country is for sale now, so it is less likely a place to meet and F.

I am grateful I have a D attorney. My gut will not rest. It is screaming at me that the original A never died, that their was far more to "just lurking" then I know, or that she is into another A.

As I meet with my attorney I have been reminded that I am not seeking mans advice.....but am trusting God to work through this man as I protect myself and my family from more destruction.

Please pray a specific prayer that satans is rebuked from this interaction. I hate D as God hates it. My own brokenness still urges me to look the other way.......I did that 3 times and GR took those opportunities and betrayed me further. Risking our families unity as she did.

God hates D, but he singled out adultery too.

Paul tells us we are to judge sin as sin, that we are to renounce it in our lives and the lives of those we love, and if others won't flee from sin we are to leave them.


I found this key card for a reason.

Praying I discover the reason soon. Had prayed the plausible excuse held water. It leaked like every other DD has.

But.....am peaceful. How can this be?

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
steadychevy
Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, February 9th (Monday)

I just found this thread. For the length of time I have been on SI I don't know why I didn't find it sooner. I skim read back through the last few pages. I was up early again this morning after another sleepless night. Full of tension. A couple of pages back blakesteele provided a devotional he was meditating about. Almost immediately the tension in my core left and is less than it has been for some time.

Before DDay1 I prayed all of the time. Little prayers - asking for guidance about something, being thankful for my many blessings, thanking God for his care and attention and guidance. Since DDay I hardly ever paray. Now is when I need Him the most I quit talking with Him. I know that God has not abandoned me - I have abandoned Him. I need prayers to help me reconnect with God.

I struggle with what is God's will and what is Satan's direction to me. I can't tell anymore but I don't pray about it. Maybe this thread is the kick start I needed. I know God singled out adultery as a betrayal that could break his sacred marriage covenant. But, is it Satan that is pushing me (or I am choosing to listen to) towards using that "out". IDK.

God never promised that we would not live a normal life with good and bad and just life. What he did say that he would be there for us through our "valley of the the shadow of death". That we can rely on him.

So, I am asking for prayers for me. Prayers for guidance. I ask for prayers of healing for my FWW. She is hurting immensely, too, with finally uncovering so many issues from her childhood and teen years. I think I better read this whole thread.


BH(me)63; WW 57; M 37 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
EA different COW 2001-2014? PA AP jealous of EA PA
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, li

Posts: 438 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, February 9th (Monday)

You were already on my prayer list SteadyChevy.

For what its worth, the battle you described in the above post is precisely the battle I am in.

The pain you see your fww in is real and I know how your heart hurts for her. Mine hurts for what must be deeply buried pain within her. I understand that....but understanding does not make us accept and excuse continued destructive choices.

I don't know the outcome, but I know we are given the armor of God to stand...not to flee. God intentionally keeps us blind to whats ahead....to test our faith. He did it with Moses and the Israelites.....they went where God led them, and found themselves between the Egyptian Army and the Red Sea!!!! And this after many Israelites were already questioning Moses (Gods) plan for them!!!! It was only THEN that God did the impossible and parted the Red Sea.

By this situation is made clear that God, not Moses, was in charge! But up until that "reveal" many a man questioned what the heck is going on here?!?!

This story was part of my devotional reading a couple of weeks ago.

Its interesting to note, also, that Pharoh's heart had to be hardened in order for this miracle to be necessary. Pharoh's heart was full of anger and pride....which is what he allowed to be used to chase Moses and his people down! Without this, Moses and his people would have had an easy departure out of Eqypt.

It serves as a reminder to not make choices made out of anger or pride.

I am using this reminder as I visit with a D attorney. If I feel anger or pride, I am not signing anything. That is what I have determined to do. I will do all that I can to operate this way and will trust God to protect me as I do.

But am also learning standing up for your family does not necessarily mean staying M to a person content on embracing the same sin willfully and intentionally.

I, too am praying for Godly guidance as I seek advice from a D attorney.

Keep the faith. God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Yakamishi
Member
Member # 38230
Helpless  Posted: 7:11 AM, February 11th (Wednesday)

I am not sure if this is the proper place for this, my apologies if it is not.

My problem is my faith. Some background, I come from a practicing Irish Catholic family. And my ww and I raised our 4 kids the same. All my kids were altar servers and I truly felt I was doing right by my family and God.

But since my WW's Affair, my faith has been all but shattered. I haven't been to church in nearly two years. It's not that I've turned athiest or even agnostic, it's just that I find myself so angry at God. I know it's misplaced, but i can't shake it. I feel given the forty plus years of faith and devotion, ya figure HE could have given me a heads up?? Just as nudge? Maybe HE could have offered me some inspiration to make a surprise visit to her at work or something. Anything. There were so many opportunities over the 2+ years of her affair that i could have found out, or even better the 2 years prior to that during her EA.

Right after D day, during those first few weeks, i remember going to church to pray, sometimes during the day, sometime 3am. Praying for releif. Praying for guidance, hope. For just plain help. I went to confession. I tried to attend service. But in the end I was still stuck with the anger at HIM.

So my question, how do I lose the anger? I how do i regain my faith?


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 237 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
hihn
Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, February 11th (Wednesday)

Yakamishi

Read the book of Job, some of your answers are there. Are you Job? Sounds like you might have been a good and faithful servant. Adultery is yet another tool of evil to use to try and get us to curse/hate God.


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
lmf9
Member
Member # 43467
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, February 12th (Thursday)

Thanks again (((needfriendhere))). I've been away for a little while also. I'm happy to say that things are slowly coming together. I haven't been in that dark place lately and my kids seem to be adjusting. My STBX has also been making more of an effort to be a better father to the kids. Thanks for keeping my family in your thoughts and prayers. I'm sending prayers and hugs to you all as well.


"Trouble looms when monogamy is no longer a free expression of loyalty but a form of forced compliance." Esther Perel

Reinventing Myself.....


Posts: 145 | Registered: May 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, February 13th (Friday)

(((Imf9)))
Glad to hear you are doing better. That's generally why we take brief leaves-of-absences from this site. : )

I will keep praying for you.

Yakamishi, I will pray for you too. Your sadness and anger at your situation are keeping you from feeling God's presence right now. We all go through that. But He is there - believe me. Without Him, I would be alone now - without the man God has helped me to forgive and who I know I love and always have. When you pray, be still and meditate for a while. Try to just "be" with God. He loves you and feels your pain and wants to bring you healing. He is that kind of God.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, February 13th (Friday)

(((Imf9)))
Glad to hear you are doing better. That's generally why we take brief leaves-of-absences from this site. : )

I will keep praying for you.

Yakamishi, I will pray for you too. Your sadness and anger at your situation are keeping you from feeling God's presence right now. We all go through that. But He is there - believe me. Without Him, I would be alone now - without the man God has helped me to forgive and who I know I love and always have. When you pray, be still and meditate for a while. Try to just "be" with God. He loves you and feels your pain and wants to bring you healing. He is that kind of God.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
traicionada
Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, February 14th (Saturday)

Lord, look upon us with eyes of mercy, may your healing hand rest upon us, may your lifegiving powers flow into every cell of our bodies and into the depths of our souls, cleansing, purifying, restoring us to wholeness and strength for service in your Kingdom. Amen!


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3402 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, February 16th (Monday)

Traicionada,
Thank you for that lovely prayer. God was good to me and my FWH this past weekend - had one of the best Valentine's Days ever. And it was the one-year anniversary of Dday.
I pray you all had a peaceful and joyous weekend too!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
intheblinkofaney
Member
Member # 45537
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, February 20th (Friday)

Needing Prayers

PLease....

We have began praying as a couple before we go to sleep for the past week. It feels good even though I cry my eyes out as he prays.

I pray for God to show me the way. He prays for God to heal my heart and forgive him for his sins against me and God.

I have faith in these prayers, but today I am losing faith and hope in everything.

Please God PLease help us. Why cant we focus on one struggle without another struggle pulling us down under water.

I am slipping fast GOD. PLease

Amen


You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts
----------
10-12-14 D-Day
3-24-15 Giving R a chance

Posts: 417 | Registered: Nov 2014
hihn
Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, February 23rd (Monday)

intheblinkofaney,

A prayer has been said for you. I know how fraught with struggles this journey is that infidelity has sets us on. It's the most difficult journey I and my WS have ever had to do. Keep holding on to the lord and he will get you through the struggles.


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
BrighterFuture
Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, February 23rd (Monday)

Hi everyone,
Please pray for me as well. This weekend was tough, and I had thoughts of ending my life.
My pain was unbearable this weekend but I'm a little better now.
Thank you!


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 431 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, February 23rd (Monday)

Brighterfuture, I am so glad you posted here and asked for prayer. And am so sorry you had such a rough weekend.
This whole thing is a yo-yo of emotions - please hang in there! I know how you feel. Sometimes the pain of betrayal seems unbearable.
But the pain does pass. It really does.
Prayers have been and will be lifted up!
((Brighterfuture)))


Intheblinkofaneye, how are you today? I have been praying for you for some time now. Your life sounds a lot like mine. I'm not sure what happened to make you feel so hopeless, but I do have those days too. And then things look up again. Like I told Brighterfuture, it is a yo-yo of emotions as truth trickles in and the reality of what our FWS's did hits us again and again. Please hang in there!!
(((Intheblinkofaneye)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, February 23rd (Monday)

Hang in there everyone. I am praying for all of you. For those that are new to the forums, try a book on spiritual healing. A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser. Blakesteele may give witness to this. Know that God hears you and is giving you the resources you need to get through this. He will not abandon you as you walk with light. Whether it comes from SI, friends, past experiences, strength of character, and for me MOPs was a huge blessing in disguise during the first year.

Try watching Fireproof if you feel weak.

For some of you that posted about losing faith...God did not allow this to happen. Man's sin did. By a person that is walking in darkness and is lost. Pray for them, no matter how hard it is. No matter how much pain they caused. What they stand to lose is so much greater than the pain we feel now. It will subside. You will endure. God will heal you. Your character/spirituality will grow as you find this Grace that will move you to the true reward and to God/Jesus who come first and will always love you unconditionally.

Be the soldier he intends and pray that you find the path he has set before you. Whether it is staying or divorcing and continuing to pray for that person and to love who they are capable of being (Blakesteele).

Yes God wants us to be in a covenant. Yes it is important to follow the Corinthians. But, God also wants us to bring up our children in his image. If staying keeps us from fulfilling that task then perhaps he may want you to focus on that instead.

I always believed that some WS may need to be pushed out of the nest in order to grow and find their way. This is their trial as much as it is ours. Just because you leave doesn't mean you can't stand at a distance to give your support when they continue to falter.

Maybe focus more on Luke 15 and the prodigal son parable.


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
intheblinkofaney
Member
Member # 45537
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, February 24th (Tuesday)

Thanks everyone and continued prayers are still needed.

This past week was difficult for no particular reason. This week is proving no better.

We did go to church this Sunday for the first time in a long time.

The young adult sermon hit home. I cried all the way home. We went back to the night service.

I cried more at the house. Wh asked what was wrong. I told him I was looking for a sign from church. Something that would tell me what to do. Stay or go. Fight or give up..

I felt no better or worse.

Wh did go down to the alter to be prayed for at the morning service. I was glad he did that as it took courage to go down there.

We are going to Retrovaille in march. I am nervous though I do not know why. Wh can not wait.

Please keep praying. I will pray for everyone going through this horrible thing


You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts
----------
10-12-14 D-Day
3-24-15 Giving R a chance

Posts: 417 | Registered: Nov 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, February 25th (Wednesday)

intheblinkofaneye,
I understand how you feel. I feel EXACTLY the same way and it is miserable. My heart goes out to you, as do my prayers.

I have always said that it is my faith that keeps me together and sane. And I still believe it is. So I shudder to think of what my life would be like without it. I am so unhappy on most days and very confused - like you - about what to do. Someone said that Year 2 is the worst. I didn't want to believe that, but it is true.

I hold on to this verse: "All things work together for good to those who love God..." (Romans 8:28) I have to believe that, even in this case, those words are true.

Hugs to you all!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday)

Hi gang. I am grateful for this thread. Go courageously to Retrouvaille, intheblinkofaney and mr intheblinkofaney! Regardless of the state of your M post-retrouvaille you will forever be grateful for this exposure.

I watch the movie "Courageous" often....its geared towards men, so probably less powerful for women to watch, but it serves as a great reminder of how easy temptation is to give into and how we men can get lazy and complacent, using "society" as a measuring stick to how courageously authentic we are living our lives.

My FOO taught all three of us boys to cut and run when someone crosses you. In addition, our FOO taught us to fear real intimacy. So it is NOW no surprise my M was struggling well before gracerunners affair. I NOW see how my own choices hurt my M, and hurt myself. EVEN SEEING AND KNOWING THIS, I still get tempted to "quit" and to ward off real intimacy........


Yesterdays devotional had to do with the "Judah's test"....the trial of enduring deep betrayal by those closest to you. I didn't like what it said....it said we basically are tested through this trial and if we decide to bail on it, the test will be repeated until we pass!!!!


Todays devotional is as follows;

God looks on perseverance as a core spiritual discipline in the successful Christian life:

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. (James 1:2-4, MSG, emphasis added)

It is never God's will that we run from a problem. Why? Because when we persevere, we go to the next level.

This trial is unlike anything I ever thought I would experience....it quickly outgrow anything my FOO could handle and any "skill set" I had to work it with.

The pain is still here....I still love gracerunner. Its a new-to-me love that, like this trial, is unlike anything I could imagine.

Its a very odd odd feeling/situation.

We both have D attorney's, I've been to a D and S support group meeting, GR is going to a "parenting through D" class tonight (mandatory by the state of MO by some judges). No papers filed yet.


anyone relate?

Peace

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:13 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)

Blakesteele,
I can relate to much of what you share here - I have always been able to.

My faith-life has been showing its true colors since Dday. For one thing. FWH and I have been attending a new, very alive church - a church with powerful, often difficult, messages that always touch my heart. Prior to Dday, it didn't bother me much that the church we attended was "dead". Both my H and I were heavily involved in Ministry there and didn't seem to notice that we weren't being fed. Also, since Dday, I have not lost my faith in God at all - my prayer life is much more vibrant. But I have lost my faith in people. I have learned what it means when the Bible says "do not put your trust in princes and sons of men in whom there is no salvation" (Psalm 146). I realize that when we put our faith in people, we will be let down. When we TRUST in God, however, He will never let us down. (people will, He won't).

I also know what you mean about that new-to-me type of love. There is daily - DAILY - pain in my love for H. The pain that comes with knowing the person you love the most in this world has hurt you more than you ever thought possible. But, in spite of this deep hurt, there is love - true, passionate, intimate love. Sometimes, if I think about it too much, it makes me feel crazy - that I can love so deeply someone who hurt me so badly. In my heart I know that it is only with God that I can do that.

I'm not sure if this is the type of response you were looking or hoping for. But it's my 2 cents, for what it's worth.

It is always a blessing to hear from you. You and gracerunner are in my prayers daily.

Peace to you too!

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 3:40 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)

duplicate post - still not used to how sensitive my new computer is. So sorry!

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 3:39 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, March 4th (Wednesday)

Yep....you know what I am trying to describe. I am both blessed and sorry for that.

That part of "not being fed but not really minding"? Truer words have not been spoken. Thank God for his grace and mercy, huh?

And that "feeling crazy if I think about my love for GR now vs before" occurrence you referred to? Totally get this.

I am currently struggling with societal's pull on this one.....when I feel isolated from GR I find myself finding "common societal philosophies" to be appealing. I am blessed to have a network or relationship-friendly men in my life and the courage to reach out to these men during these times. When I do they ground me in truth and pull be back from my all-to-familiar societal ways of living.

Still.....the dang pain.

I appreciate the prayers and have faith they work....and I also have proof from past prayers being answered that they DO work.

Still....ugh....as I grow in relationship to God it seems I see more and more stuff to work on. I find myself having to work through guilt over my pre-A choices in my M (really, in a lot of my relational life). Its so true that sin affects the person choosing it first and then affects all they come in contact with.


I put way too much faith in GR. She is no more prefect than I. What I assumed about her "even keel" and my "all in" natures turned out to be false.

Both, it appears, are different reactions to the same thing......FEAR. FEAR of living authentically....letting our feelings that we MUST be "this person" in order to "not get hurt or hurt another" control our actions.


Have since learned, but don't always remember, that feelings are like kids. You don't want them driving your car, but its not healthy to lock them in the trunk either.

Thanks for stopping by. Its good to be heard and understood.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 4th (Wednesday)

Blakesteele,
You bring up probably the toughest issue I am struggling with: society's pull with its common societal philosophies.

OW made sure most of my friends know exactly what FWH did to me and most of them can't understand why I am still with him. They are happy and secure in their seemingly perfect marriages and look at our situation and believe, if they were in my shoes, their WS's would be history. They treat me like I am an idiot or, worse yet, someone to be deeply pitied. Two of my very best friends have offered that I move in with them - or near them (they both live about a 3-hour drive from here). And, believe me, for a while there, I was tempted to go.

Even a friend of mine who was a nun and is still a strong believer could not understand how I can stay with H. This makes seeing my friends difficult. I have very few who support R in our case. H's A lasted too long and there was too much betrayal on too many levels for them to accept my decision to R with this man. This whole societal pressure and expectations thing keeps me up at night. I do not like my new life. But, in spite of all the things he did and all the attempts OW has made to tear us apart, I still love my H. And, as long as he is putting in the work to fix our M, I will too. At least I hope I will...

Like you, I see things I did pre-A that may have contributed to what H did. I spent too much of my time and energy on the kids and had little left for him. He is a very needy person and I was supposedly neglecting his needs. I just wish he would have told me how serious my actions were affecting him instead of jumping into a 6-year A with a very possessive woman. We can't blame ourselves, Blake, we just can't. Nothing excuses what they did. NOTHING. How many of us, if our FWS's told us how badly they were hurting - to the point of considering finding their needs met elsewhere - would have just said, "Oh o.k. You go ahead, dear". I would have moved heaven and earth to prevent what H did and so would you.

God gave us all free will. It is a wonderful gift but it can also be a curse. We can pray our hearts out for our H's to change and for our marriages to be healed (I did every day of those 6 years because I could feel "something" was very wrong), but God does not mess with a person's free will. As long as our S's were not willing to change, our prayers could, at best, bring us comfort and strength for the road ahead.

People love to blame God for the pain and suffering in this world. But the truth is, we caused it all. Mankind did. Through our selfish acts: through our disregard for the earth God blessed us with, through our selfishness and greed, through our pride and arrogance, but most of all, through our blatant disregard for a God whose only desire for us has ever been reconciliation to Him and that we, as His children, would know true joy.

Cancer exists because we polluted and corrupted our air, food, and water. Innocent people are often starving because of cruel and heartless governments who decide which people matter and which don't. And people who did nothing but love their spouses with all their hearts end up on sites like these because of selfishness and weakness on the part of those they loved the most.

We live in a fallen world. We make choices and they affect everything around us - everything.

Now, you and I, Blakesteele (and anyone else reading this) are at a crossroads. Do we stay with the one we committed our lives to before God and our loved ones as long as they want to stay with us? Or do we leave because we were hurt beyond what we believe we can bear?

I truly wish you peace - with all my heart. Because I don't know about you, but right now, peace is what is most lacking in my life.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, March 4th (Wednesday)

((needsfriendshere))

Are your friends Christian and believe that Christ died for their sins and that they are forgiven by his blood? If they are, you might want to ask them, who are you and anyone else to say your WH has sinned to much for Christ's forgiveness as long as he has repented.

Our MC says all sin is sin, God doesn't rank one of our sins above another and that we have all sinned.

If you are able to get through this and recover with your WS you are showing heavenly Grace to him.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, March 4th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much Brokenheartedwif, for your encouragement.

Not all my friends are believers, but it stuns me that even my believing friends don't get it - what you are saying. They forget that we have all sinned - abominably in our own way - and what a blessing true forgiveness is. Again, thank you!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, March 4th (Wednesday)

Needfriendshere....
my H said very early after dday that he was praying for peace....I was going to daily mass during lent and I found the word peace used in so many of the prayers ....my favorite prayer is the prayer of st Francis....peace is in the first line....I realize my H had no sense of peace at all during his 2 year A.....I bought a few silver peace signs and we put them on our key chains....at 28 months out we have found peace....(most of the time!!)
We also have found out that we are going to be GRANDPARENTS!!!!!!!!! I can't tell anyone IRL yet as it is still very early on but they went for an ultrasound and that heart was beating away!
Pray for that beautiful gift of life ....I will of course continue praying for you and everyone on this site's PEACE....


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 881 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, March 5th (Thursday)

Hopeful77,
Congratulations!! Now, that is something to celebrate. I am so happy for you.

God is good. The peace you now feel will turn to much joy once that precious baby enters your lives.

I will keep the expectant Momma in my prayers.

(((Hopeful77))) - congratulatory hugs!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, March 8th (Sunday)

Needsfriendshere:
We live in a fallen world. We make choices and they affect everything around us - everything.
So true, but that is what it is supposed to be. Trials and tribulations. Till we get to our true home, that due to this world we live in now can be fully appreciated.

I get through my days knowing that this pain I feel will end. I will honor my vows. This is my test and tribulation. My relationship is not abusive. What I do through the Lord and strength of character will show my children so many of the gifts God wants for us. Grace, mercy, integrity, love, forgiveness. This isn't about my marriage. It is about me growing in God's eyes. It is about me showing my kids to persevere and to grow their own strength of character. The pain of my husband's abandonment is so small in comparison to my future in God's eyes. I have been humbled by this experience. I had put my husband before God in my blindness. Not anymore.

God didn't cause this or allow it. You are right. He did give me the tools to get through this.

All of that gets me through this hardship.

My friends and family thought the same thing at first, but are slowly coming around as more time goes by and my husband has shown R. They also understand and admire my dedication to my wedding vows. Many of the older ones applaud that I chose to stay rather than divorce. As long as I am safe. I don't fault them for that. The Bible is confusing for many on the topic of D. Stay and honor Corinthians or divorce because some scripture allows it in regards to adultery. Try not to take it to heart or judge them back. Most are probably just hurting for you. They will need time to heal too. Turn the cheek and find your strength and support here or try older couples that believed in working things out?

Blakesteele: loved that movie and it made me ball like a pregnant mom again. lol. I pray for my husband to lead his family. He didn't watch it yet. Still praying he does soon.

Praying for you all and may God give you peace as spring awakens.


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
steadychevy
Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, March 8th (Sunday)

I haven't been on this thread for a while. When I checked there wasn't much more since I posted. For some reason today I checked again and so much more has been added when I needed it. I have had a couple of bad days rollercoaster wise.

hopefulmother, the post you did on the previous page and again on this one were words of inspiration. I have always appreciated blakesteele's insight.

I used to pray to God almost constantly. Little prayers thanking him for the sunshine, the beautiful day, the timely rain, the rainbow, even seagulls when we were being eaten out hay and pasture by grasshoppers. I asked for his guidance in so many ways and for his help for many tasks. For safety for us and our cattle when we we doing whatever with them.

Since DDay I haven't prayed very much. I don't blame God. I know about free will and trials and tribulations and living a life in real life. I know that God is always there and is the constant. I know he has not abandoned me but me him. I know he is waiting on me. I am trying to get back into the habit of praying like I used to. Prayers are answered. I have so many examples of that in my life.

Someone in this thread wrote about praying for the one who has hurt you the most. I can't find it right now but was moved by it. Still, as also written above, do I honour Corintians as I have believed or do I divorce as allowed by scripture? As needfriendshere writes - to stay or leave?

So, thanks everyone for your inspiration, support and prayers. Thank you, blakesteele, for having me and my WW on your prayer list for some time now. And congratulations hopeful on becoming grandparents. We have another due in June. The miracle of life.


BH(me)63; WW 57; M 37 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
EA different COW 2001-2014? PA AP jealous of EA PA
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, li

Posts: 438 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, March 9th (Monday)

Such a quiet thread....but one that provides such comfort.

Hopeful77.....congrats on becoming grandparents!!! I had the opportunity to hold a baby for about 15 minutes the other day. Me and a buddy (baby fathers) just got back from a road trip where he bought a classic VW. He was excited to take his wife for a ride, I offered to stay with the kids (2 boys and a baby) while they went for a short cruise. To my surprise she said YES!. She hardly knows me...but she let me sit with her kids. I held the little one the whole time. Head wobbly, eyes wide....had that "shocked" baby look mixed in with droopy eyes of contentment (she had just been fed before we showed up).

Was so fun....wished we had more kids! Congrats again!!!

"When you're going through difficulty and you are wondering where God is.....remember the teacher is always quiet during the test"

I am excited about what is going on in my church. An older man is starting a "Mans church" that takes place 1 hour before "regular church". His idea is to "get real" and talk about issues that affect men (sexual impurity, the dumbing down of the role of men in society, etc.). I have known this man for about a year....breakfast with him and others every thursday. I really like the way he interacts with me. I don't understand all of scripture....and actually struggle with MOST of it. Yet he is patient and is helping lead me to some sorely needed truths in my life.

SteadyChevy.....Your both welcome. I am glad to see you again.

I'm in a quiet spot now in my M......neither D or R. Not sure where I am at.

That used to cause me incredible anxiety and would feed my CoD tendencies. Now, while I still have concerns, I have had enough experience to be grateful for the spot in which I am in. For this spot is almost exclusively when God has done good works in my life.....you know, when you run out of yourself!

Keep the faith.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:41 AM, March 9th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, March 9th (Monday)

"Fallen World" was mentioned above....its been a topic of discussion with my RL men. I am also reading about it, specifically as it ties into temptation.

Right now it appears to me that the "world" is to remain "fallen"....its one of the main difference between it and Heaven.

It also appears to me that, in Heaven, "temptations" will cease to exist. Satan is has been cast out of Heaven and temptation is of his doing. We will still have desires in Heaven but those desires will be satisfied with ONLY healthy things. "Desire" is God-given....most all of what is accomplished is a result of desire. "short cuts" to satisfying that desire often lead to sin and destruction.

Appears to me that, without trials, we would never mature.

Our time on this "fallen world" is meant to purify and refine us. "Testing" through trials does that.....the bible is full of examples.

IF the fallen world is ever "not-fallen", it appears that would defeat Gods purpose for allowing it to be fallen.....right?

In addition.....God seeks a personal, one on one relationship with us. It is through his Son that we, as individuals (not the "world at large), are able to CHOOSE this. He doesn't force us....though I have actually prayed he just remove my free will and give me nothing but healthy choices! (yeah, immature prayers I know....but that is how I have prayed sometimes). God COULD grant that prayer and control me completely...but He loves me too much to do that.

Satan on the other hand would LOVE to force us to do his bidding. Unlike God, satan doesn't have that power.(because satan is not the equal but opposite of God)


Hardly have this figured out....but wanted to fly what I am thinking out here for others to nudge around.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, March 9th (Monday)

Lots of battles, guys.

Keep in mind satan has already lost the war. God doesn't need our help to win the war, He is asking us to have faith and trust him that we will find our way to his side....through all the pain, temptations and sinful choices we make while in this fallen world.

Satan knows this....thats why he ramps up attacks on us as we look towards God. Satan doesn't know when his final demise will be, neither do we. What he knows is that he is on a finite time scale....and he desires to gain as many souls as he can before that day arrives.


I keep reminding myself that a bitter, hard heart increases how tempting satans offers are.

Left to my own accord.....my heart will become bitter and harden even more. Honestly, that is what happend in my childhood. Not in the overtly, "man that guy is a jerk" way....much more subtle than that. And thats how sin is chosen....very very subtly.

Keep alert.


peace


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, March 9th (Monday)

Wow! So much good stuff here since I was last on this site. So much truth.

Blakesteele, you are so right about the trials we face here refining us and how we won't have to face these things in Heaven. I cling to that.

And Hopefulmother, your words really touched me, because I realize you hit on exactly why I am still in this marriage: to show my children what it means to persevere under painful circumstances, to feel and model true forgiveness, and to learn to put God first. Like you, I'm afraid I had my H as my first priority in my life prior to Dday (even though he did not seem to feel it).

Steadychevy, I don't think I was the one who wrote about praying for the one who has hurt you the most, but I do - every day. In church a while back we sang a song that said, "Whom you love, I'll love...I will follow you". And I broke down crying. I realized that God loved OW and that my hating her grieved Him. From that day on, I pray hard for her - to find happiness and to find God (the 2 really do go hand in hand). And honestly, in spite of ALL she has done to hurt me and my family, I do not hate her. God is good!!

Am praying for you all every day!!

Hugs to you too!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, March 9th (Monday)

Your welcome SteadyChevy. Needfriendshere: Thanks for responding. Another gift that God has put in my life is sisters of faith that understand these trials. My husband and I were just discussing how he could feel like he wasn't the priority in my life too. Though like you, I assured him he was. I guess it really came down to me being a mother first with all my time, even though my heart had him and our infant son/2yr old daughter first. Sunday's messages were hard for me. It really focused on woman of faith and that if we followed the Lord and loved the Lord that his light would shine through us and others would want to love us too. I was upset by that, because that is not what my husband did. Maybe he lack of faith didn't allow him to see my light? Who knows. I find comfort that God does see my light. As I grow stronger towards him, so does my husband.

Blakesteele: It would be so cool if you guys started your mens group with the movie.


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, March 9th (Monday)

Now, for the uplifting message from Sunday's base camp. Something that Jerry Sittser and Steadychevy touched on. See the hole that infidelity has made. Acknowledge it. Feel it. It is indeed huge. Now, don't leave it there. It is huge and fill it with Joy. Focus on the Discipline of Celebration. "The Joy of the Lord is your strength." My pastor stated; True celebration is the inverse of hedonism. Hedonism is the demand for more and more pleasure for personal gratification. It always follows the law of diminishing returns, so that what produced joy in us yesterday no longer does today. Our capacity for joy diminishes. Celebration is not like that. When we celebrate, we exercise our ability to see and feel goodness in the simplest of God. We are able to take delight today in something we wouldn't have even noticed yesterday. Our capacity for joy increases.

God's intent is that his creation should mirror his joy. If we (I do a lot of this in terms of the A) stay locked in what we lost. In the memories of the joy we had in the past...we can never grow. I know...easier said than done, to focus on the present.

John 15:11 "I have said these thing to you so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete."

I think, I will go out and take a look at the spring bulbs popping up and listen to the birds singing. Spring is here! I am done with grayness of this trial, this black fog that threaten to engulf me in more ways than one.

Thanks for the prayers guys!

Hopeful77 enjoy your early spring with your grandchildren!


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, March 9th (Monday)

Hopefulmother,
I found what you shared intriguing, to say the least - to fill the huge hole that infidelity left with joy, God's joy.

I suppose that, in a way, I am doing that. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that, if H never had that LTA, the way he is treating me now would make me the happiest I have been in years. But he DID have that 6-year A. He is going out of his way to "make up for" what he did. But all the awesome things H is doing will always be overshadowed by his A. Maybe, spiritually, however, that is not a bad thing.

I can honestly say that God is #1 in my life now. And because of that, I do not fear death. I feel like I have already experienced it. H murdered me with his LTA. And the life I am living here on earth now is a shadow of what it was. I am a shadow of what I was. I do not enjoy being with my friends anymore. I do not care about my Blog and feel like I lack the energy to grow my clientele. My heart is not here on earth anymore except when it comes to my children. Even though I feel more "ready" for that other, better world, I want to live a long life for my children. So I am not suicidal - anymore. I will appreciate and accept all that H is doing for me - for "us". But I will not trust it. I will never be able to trust him like I did before. I will no longer feel secure with him either. But God? I trust Him 100% and He is my security. Does this make any sense? If you can decipher the meaning in what I've said here, please tell me - does anyone else feel this way?


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, March 9th (Monday)

I do. I know that death. I don't know the name of it...it was so many things. Death of ideas, future, naiveness in my M...whatever it was. You should really try reading Jerry Sittser's book. It can help you through that death you are experiencing. A Grace Disguised. It really really helped me to pick myself up and focus on myself and God for a change. Another thing...I know how hard that point of depression is. I couldn't do it alone. Even with my friends and God's help...I had to go on Escitalopram 5mg to break the chemical reaction to his affair. I took it just long enough to get on my own feet.

I too am thankful for how the experience has grown me closer to God and spirituality. I really can't believe how far I had roamed from late 20's to the 30's from that path. In some ways...that has helped me to somewhat understand how my husband could roam too.

I don't fear death for myself anymore as well. I feel at peace with experiencing so much on Earth. Though I pray it doesn't come for a long time, as I know my children need me. So does my husband...he needs to make his peace, his amends, he needs to find God.

Is there a hobby you have always wanted to try. A skill you want to learn?

Now, that I am back home...I have decided to go back to my Environmental Volunteer work with children. Training starts next Monday!


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, March 10th (Tuesday)

Hopefulmother,
Thank you for the book recommendations. I downloaded both A Grace Disguised and A Grace Revealed on my Kindle last night.

You asked if I have hobbies. I am an avid reader. I used to love all genres, but especially historical fiction. Since Dday, however, I find myself mainly reading books like Not Best Friends, Getting Over the Affair, The Five Love Languages, The Other Woman,and Psychopath Free. A bit obsessed I guess. I am really just trying to make sense of it all. I also enjoy cooking and creating new recipes, as well as doing daily Yoga. But they are solitary hobbies. I used to never be home during the day. I was always out doing something for or with my children, and/or with my friends. Now, I am slowly alienating myself from all of them. I do not like this new me. My H, however, is crazy about her. I guess all he ever wanted was someone who spent her life pining for him each day. Now, it seems, that is pretty much all I do. The boys are both in college, so all the time I spent on them (which was a lot!), I now spend on him. Problem is he still travels - a lot! So when he is not here, I am alone. I just sit here - pining....

I do covet prayer, though, and was really happy when I found this link. As part of my daily prayer life, there are 61 people I pray for on SI. Maybe that qualifies as a hobby? : )

I used to be one of those people who was always smiling and pretty much always happy. I was the one whom my friends came to when they were sad. I could never understand depression or how anyone could ever even imagine taking their life. It's all pretty ironic, isn't it?

I have to believe that, somehow though, God is using all of this - to make me a better wife and maybe eventually even a better friend. I don't know...

Thanks so much for being there! I send you all hugs and wish you peace!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, March 12th (Thursday)

I have to check out A Grace Revealed. Right now I am reading Love and Respect in a Marriage. I just finished reading the Mockingbird series. So, maybe you should take a break and read something just for entertainment first. I have fear that if you engulf yourself in just him...it may breed resentment. I wonder if maybe the "empty nest" syndrome I have yet to reach is happening to you too? Is there something you can involve yourself in with church? Youth group? Soup Kitchen? Is there a skill you want to learn? Wood carving or painting that you can take during the summer at a community college? You sound like me...a really social being that is slipping into depression. I was at my lowest when my husband had his A (part of the reason he strayed so he said). We had moved out to Johnstown and I was hours away from everything; my career, volunteer work, family, home, and friends. With a newborn and a 2yr old. Very isolated and unable to really make any new social groups yet with kiddos that young, of which at that age already made my feel exhausted as a SAHM. With the weather in that area it didn't take too long for me to get depressed from the lack of support and isolation.


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 12th (Thursday)

Hopefulmother,
I sent you a PM. Hope that's ok!

I am keeping the rest of you in my prayers. I hope it is sunny and warm wherever you are!

Hugs to you all!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, March 13th (Friday)

So much ache........

I see it in R forum with some I have followed since my joining SI.

I see it in S&D with some I have followed since my joining SI.

I see it in PM to men that have gone unanswered....unread even.

I see it in W forum as slow-to-repent people tangle and fight with temptation....and give in to sin.


We are called to persevere. We will have fear but are called to not let fear have us....we are given a spirit of power, love and self-discipline. When we act in a spirit of fear, hopelessness, and bitterness we are most certainly NOT tapping into the spirit in which God gave us. It may not be all satan...many of us understand why bitterness has come into our hearts (even pre-A reasons we weren't fully aware of)....but none of that understanding is a good excuse to remain bitter. find ways to process that bitterness out of your heart. pray God works on your heart to soften it.

Trials do indeed refine us...if we allow them too. To be refined is to let go of impurities....insecurities....."comfortably-limiting" ways WE chose to do-life by using.

I see it in my own personal journey.

So many moments-of-faith, crisis-of-faith.

So much pain and fear.

I pray for all tangled in the destruction adultery invites into so many lives.

BUT, just a reminder,though we are in a spiritual battle.....the war itself is won. Even satan knows that.

Lord help me, I fall prey to satans lies and subtle deceptions. God doesn't need my help to save the world, He only asks that I come to him through his Son. My prideful, arrogant self tricks me into thinking I need to do more. Certainly we are called to be obedient....but we are not "without a guide", not "without a manual".

We need fellowship to continually "get this".

I pray that someday I am in a marriage that helps me "get this". I pray that my male-fellowship efforts continue to grow and produce healthy fruits.


I no longer pray for the pain to stop.....I pray the pain is doing what God designed it to do in my life. Nope...He didn't create this pain, people used their free will to choose destructively. It was free-will that caused the pain. Its God's love and plans for our lives that has allowed the pain to be a part of our journey back to Him.


I am tired.

I am beat down.

But I am not without hope.

Please.....keep the faith and hope....even if just a mustard seed in size.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:31 PM, March 13th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, March 14th (Saturday)

Dear Blakesteele,
Thank you so much for your post. It is heartfelt and full of wisdom and encouragement.

God is good. So good! Yesterday something happened in my life that did what you prayed would happen with our pain: it was turned toward healing - finally. There is still a long way to go, but I can see a light at the end of my tunnel. God allowed something to happen that helped me find my worth again while, at the same time, really opening up FWH's eyes to the extent of what he did. For the first time in months, I am happy and hopeful.

Thank you so much for your compassionate prayers. I pray you begin to find the type of healing I am finally experiencing. I pray it for all of you who fill my prayers on this site.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, March 15th (Sunday)

Thank you God!!!!

The one man I was worried about most returned a PM time. He's okay and continues his battle for purity. His reply was short but solid. He's seeing what it's like to be out of his long standing bondage.

I feel "meh" about my M......but realize it's just a feeling. I pray I am still being transformed and remind God of his promises to me! (My pastor encourages me to do this....and then take a step of faith).

Am restless now....gut still active. Dang this. Ugh.

In the positive side.....later this morning I'm going to a 1 hour gathering of just men. It is a brain child of an retired Marine. His desire is to challenge men to stand up and act courageously inside our church and families.

He warns it's not for the faint of heart. It's not Sunday school answers. It's real truth as God speaks it. If we don't know an answer, we will find it together in the bible.

This idea of real truths is new to me, guys. My "relative" way of living for 30 years doesn't work. Legalism doesn't work either. But knowing real truths (not laws) appears to be a key for healthy authentic living.

Keep the faith.

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, March 16th (Monday)

Blakesteele,

I know that feeling of having someone you worry about get back to you. Praise God indeed!

I like what you are doing with the men. It DOES sound like the movie Courageous, which was a great idea. I wonder how many Christian men are doing the same since seeing that film. I wonder if it would work for Christian women?

Hopefulmother, how are you? Has the weather warmed up and enabled you to get out some? I have to tell you that my heart really goes out to you - prayers too (big time). You have a toddler and a newborn and are dealing with all this other crap too. Are you still living in Johnstown? Away from your family and friends? Of course you would get depressed in a new environment away from your support network. It really makes me angry that your H blamed your depression on what he did. I'm sorry, but that is just lame. There is NOTHING you did. I hope you know that. Our BS's did what they did out of sheer selfishness and self-centeredness - nothing more, nothing less. Please let me know how you are doing!!

Hugs and peace to you all!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
crushedinpa
Member
Member # 46787
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, March 16th (Monday)

I have to admit, my faith had not been good before d.day, I was doubting everything due to many varying factors in my marriage and with my family (parents, siblings) and dislike for the pastor. I went through this for a period of about two years. Not going to church with my family and not feeling guilty about it. About two weeks before D.Day, my WH got mad and blasted me for not going to church with them. And for having a surgery I had a few weeks before, and for not being healthy enough. Needless to say after d.day was revealed I realize he was trying to find things wrong in our marriage to justify his bad behavior.

He was right about church. Since the night d.day occurred I have been praying, doing devotions, and going to church. I pray often for our marriage whatever HIS will may be. I pray for strength to get through this and help my kids through this (DD knows dad was talking to another woman bc he told her, DS were devastated when I kicked WH out the night of D.Day) and I pray for direction and healing.I have never experienced such pain, I haven't told many people about the A. So I talk to God and on the SI forums.


Me 45: BS
Him 45: WS
M 19 yrs with 1 DD and 2 DS
D-Day 1/28/2015 (1.5 mos. affair) EA/some PA (his TT story)
In R (I think)

Posts: 220 | Registered: Feb 2015
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, March 16th (Monday)

Dear crushedinpa,

Hey, they always try to find things wrong with us and with our marriages to justify their actions. Please never take it to heart. It helps assuage their guilt and makes it easier for them to sleep with themselves at night.

I'm so glad you are back at church and praying. You will find comfort there - no doubt. I'm sorry your life has become such that you find yourself on this site. It is a club no one wants to belong to. But you will find comfort and strength here too. We care about you because we know how you feel and, because of that, our hearts go out to you.

In the bottom of your post it says you were in R, but aren't anymore. I am so, so sorry. Have you separated or are you going through D? Know that you are cared for - first and foremost by Him, but also by all of us, your sisters and brothers in Christ.

(((crushedinpa)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
crushedinpa
Member
Member # 46787
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, March 16th (Monday)

Needfriendshere - Thank you for your kind words. Well I guess you could say we are trying to reconcile, but he is just not in tune to it all yet. I had a terrible week last week with triggers. His actions and reactions were not so great for a couple who is supposed to be trying to reconcile. If you look at some of my posts you may see why. He is just not taking this seriously enough and I finally said if he didn't change I cannot continue. My faith is being tested (bc I lost it) and I have to remain faithful that God has a plan.


Me 45: BS
Him 45: WS
M 19 yrs with 1 DD and 2 DS
D-Day 1/28/2015 (1.5 mos. affair) EA/some PA (his TT story)
In R (I think)

Posts: 220 | Registered: Feb 2015
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, March 16th (Monday)

crushedinpa,
Gosh, this is still all so new for you. If you check my posts, you will see that about a month or two ago, I was contemplating a trial separation from H, even though he WAS doing all the right things. There were just too, too many triggers.

If your H is not doing his part, though, you need to get him with the program. Check out the 180 program in the healing library. In the beginning it was a big help for us. I will check out some of your posts. I looked up your profile to get an idea of what was going on, but noticed you had not told your story there.

Your H has established NC with AP, hasn't he? That is non-negotiable if R is to succeed. And has he shown you remorse? Realizing YOU did nothing to make him do what he did? Please let me know.

I know what you mean about your faith being tested. But I wonder if you don't feel like I have felt. My faith in God has been secure, but my faith in people and in the church we used to attend have been seriously challenged. I feel almost zero motivation to hang around after church and chit-chat (at our new church), although H and I did join a pretty awesome couple's home group.

Just seeing you on this prayer site is encouraging. So glad you found us!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, March 16th (Monday)

I am doing really well. We moved back home in September. Only two blocks from my sister that is a year younger than me and baby brother who is 19. It has made such a huge difference in our family. We are back with mutual friends of the M, that we have know since we were just friends hanging out in a group.

Yes, I know that I am not responsible even with the depression. He has worked through that and realized it was his depression and a ton of other things (his perfect storm). We have made peace with that. Thank you for the support though.

I am adding you to my prayer list too CrushedinPA. I hope you find a better fellowship in a church that will give you strength. Same to you too needfriendshere, I hope you find some fellowship with a church that will support you.

I have been doing a lot with church and actually hope to get a job with church teaching (just finished base class for membership). Being involved gives me the fellowship I need and the peace to fill my soul.

God has really blessed me since we moved back in September that sometimes I get scared and the anxiety starts that things are going so well. We have had a wonderful week. I am in a new place right now and God is answering my prayers for Grace, peace, and strength. I really think I could cry at any moment from the Joy.

A thread I started has given me such a huge breakthrough with understanding my husband. For once I can somewhat put myself in his shoes which has gone a long way (I am an extremely overly empathetic person). I have typed before...I can get lost in the pain of others (even the families of dead animals on the side of the road). It has moved me to a new avenue of working towards forgiveness for my husband and for the one of the OW! (Thanks to what several posters stated, prayer, and Christian fellowship support).

I have gotten out and recently started a volunteer naturalist program again.

Dare say, I feel like my old self with so much more spiritual awareness.

I pray for each of you every night.

Have faith, God will help us through everything.

I have been really focusing on Christian meditation in place of worrying (which is negative meditation). It is when we focus on thinking about a Bible verse and discover how we can apply it as truth in our lives. It has helped so much. Expanding my day to day living about everything...not just the A. I am done with that consuming me. I can't let that be the focus of my existence (the survival). There are so many other things that God needs me to work on too. Things that existed before this A.

How did men's prayer group go Blakesteele?

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 10:30 PM, March 16th (Monday)]


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, March 16th (Monday)

Hopefulmother,

I read the post you refer to in here about the OW and how it made you put all 3 of you in perspective in terms of who you are now versus who you were then, in particular your H. It made me think and I, too, had an aha moment regarding my H and how wonderful he has been overall since Dday. Thanks so much for sharing what you did!

You are and remain in my prayers as well.

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 11:22 PM, March 16th (Monday)]


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 17th (Tuesday)

Thanks, it still bothers me some. I still feel like I owe her apology because it is the right thing to do. Yet, I am afraid to open up that craziness or worse...if I cycle back to the "The OW drives me nuts." phase and regret apologizing to her.

But, honestly...the Christian thing would be to apologize. Should I just pray for forgiveness instead?

I didn't want to post on that Thread anymore. I know that there are BS that are no where near the pity stage and I didn't want to start a riot.

It isn't about guilt either. It is about setting an example in the eyes of God of what is the Christian thing to do.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 9:25 AM, March 17th (Tuesday)]


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, March 17th (Tuesday)

hopefulmother,
Everything in me tells me that you should just pray for forgiveness and NOT contact OW. What you are struggling with is between you and God. You owe OW nothing except to forgive her in your heart if you honestly feel you have wronged her, which you have done.

Be in peace. You are a kind person. I see that and know that God does.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Edith
Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 17th (Tuesday)

Hello everyone. I have been reading this thread and am touched by such compassion and faith. I have been praying for us all to find our way through our struggles and to learn God's lessons for us.

I so desperately pray that God might show me a path through all this suffering. There is so much grief in my life right now, yet the demands are overwhelming. I am doing my best to be strong and stay the course, but it is such a struggle! Nightmares and screaming are back, and I exhausted. But I am keeping faith and hope and praying for God's healing to touch us all.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 501 | Registered: Feb 2013
crushedinpa
Member
Member # 46787
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, March 17th (Tuesday)

Hopefulmother - Thank you, we do need lots of prayers. Bless you for thinking of us.


Me 45: BS
Him 45: WS
M 19 yrs with 1 DD and 2 DS
D-Day 1/28/2015 (1.5 mos. affair) EA/some PA (his TT story)
In R (I think)

Posts: 220 | Registered: Feb 2015
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, March 17th (Tuesday)

Edith,
You have been added to my daily prayer list. Every day I pray for many people on this site - sometimes being very close to tears. I know that the Spirit in me feels all of our pain. God sees what we are going through and CAN bring healing. I know it takes time, but healing will come and we will be stronger in the end.

I already know that I am stronger in the sense that I do not rely on people anymore for much of anything. I rely on God and the strength He is building within me.

I have said it before and I will say it again: I cling to this promise: "God works all things together for the good to those who love Him"...

Hang in there everyone!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, March 17th (Tuesday)

Amen ladies! Edith, we will add you. I pray that the suffering eases soon, so you can grow strong and peaceful. Look to the people around you. God really gives us the tools to help. It may be a hard path (like dragging toddlers to MOPS when your depression just wants you to sleep). He will give you the avenues, but you have to take them. There is strength in fellowship and sometimes you never know it, but your strength could be helping some other through their own hard time. Don't let Satan make you feel hopeless.

God Bless you ladies!

Needfriendshere: That is a great idea. I think I will also talk to my pastors wife about it.


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
crushedinpa
Member
Member # 46787
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, March 18th (Wednesday)

Asking for prayer for my 77 year old father (who lives 850 miles away from me). He has stage 4 COPD, AFIB, and Congestive Heart Failure. He was hospitalized in ICU for 5 days (day after my D. Day) for severe respiratory arrest. While hospitalized they found a mass on his lung and bc he was so sick could not do further testing until he was stronger. Jump forward to his CT scan of lungs last week March 12th. Results back late yesterday Mass in lung has increased significantly since hospital stay end of January. Doc wants PETSCAN done immediately. It does not sound good. I am asking for prayers. I do not know how much more I can handle. FWH listened when I was telling him this last evening and didn't offer much sympathy, and said "not to change the subject but do we have any Nyquil?" (he has a cold) and never brought it back up to me. Just UGH!!!!

[This message edited by crushedinpa at 1:47 PM, March 18th (Wednesday)]


Me 45: BS
Him 45: WS
M 19 yrs with 1 DD and 2 DS
D-Day 1/28/2015 (1.5 mos. affair) EA/some PA (his TT story)
In R (I think)

Posts: 220 | Registered: Feb 2015
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, March 18th (Wednesday)

crushedinpa.
I just prayed for your father (and for you). As for your H's response, no comment....

(((crushedinpa)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Edith
Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, March 18th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much for the prayers and kindness, ladies. Crushed, I am praying for you and your father, also your husband, that he may become the man you deserve.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 501 | Registered: Feb 2013
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, March 18th (Wednesday)

I would really appreciate prayer. Just struggling so much with finding peace in my spirit - I feel like I am so weary of well-doing in life and marriage. I am battling bitterness again, and I don't want it to root and grow in me again. Please pray that God would renew a right spirit in me.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jul 2013
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, March 18th (Wednesday)

Plainpain,
I read what you wrote here and realized that I struggle with the same thing. Bitterness. I am bitter toward my FWH for what he did during his LTA. I am bitter toward the priest who heard his confessions all those years and gave him no counseling, advice, nothing. I am bitter toward H's mother for raising H to believe he was too good for any one woman - except her. And I am bitter toward OW for ruining any real chance H and I have at true happiness. I pray every day for the strength to truly forgive and love them all.

I don't know the exact bitterness you are feeling, but you have been on my prayer list for months. Now I know how to more effectively pray for you. Please pray for me too.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, March 19th (Thursday)

((crushed))

I'm praying for you & your father. Sickness of a father on top of all this, is difficult. As far as your husband. His head is still firmly planted up his backside. All the excrement causes a very foggy brain. My SAWH TT me for at least 3 months, and has a mind like a sieve when it comes to dates (always has). I found some devotionals from BS that were helpful. PM me if you would like more info on them.

I keep all of you who have requested prayers in my prayers.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, March 19th (Thursday)

ChrushedinPA Just prayed for you father's quick recovery and healing. That he and you are no longer suffering and get answers soon. I also prayed that your hubby get a wake up call and a bit of empathy for you and your father.

Needfriendshere: Still praying for some peace, joy, and a bit of umph too in order to get out of your funk. I will add that God sends so much compassion and understanding that the bitterness disappears.


Plainpain: I am praying for you as well. Read some scripture today and make that you focus when you start to feel bitter. I hope you hubby is committing to R. Think spring, think renewal. These men are lost and we need to pray for them. Know that God has you and will meet your needs.

Edith: I am praying that your needs are met to and that God continues to give you the peace to meet others needs as well.

Hang in there ladies.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, March 19th (Thursday)

Thank you SO much, hopefulmother!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, March 23rd (Monday)

crushedinpa....just prayed for your father and I expect God to be there for you all.

Some mentions of bitterness since I last stopped by. This is satan at work. He sees every one of us as a real threat...especially now as we give up our coping skills (which are basically "us" doing for ourselves what only God can do...and as we do it we effectively take God out of our lives).

Once we realize the futility of our old pre-A ways, and the many idols we had in our lives, we are giving them up and turning towards God. This must make satan very anxious. Its no wonder we have seen an INCREASE in attacks....and will see more as we grow closer to God.

Bitterness......a dreadful thing to ALLOW to happen. And we DO allow it. We have free will. We can grow and learn ways to face resentment and express those things that COULD take root and grow resentment within us. As we learn to face these things and express them, it takes their power away.

Its simple....but tough!

Fellowship is the key.

My own parents allowed bitterness into their lives decades ago. How many divorced bitter people do you know? How many folks that you know live in a dead marriage? Resentment and bitterness are almost always present within the heart of these folks.

I pray God continues to transform all affected by adultery...including GR and I.

My "mens church" experience is......AWESOME!!!!

"Wild at Heart" is a book I am reading right now. Answering some long-standing questions within me.

I am growing in the right direction. A few months ago I posted about my CSA experience and used the movie "Good Will Hunting" to express my IC experience. On page 124 of this book....there it is again! It is imbedded in a chapter that I can't stop reading.

I stand in awe at how I find comfort in scripture and christian writing...just like I did today.


As I discover real truths I am encouraged that God actually DOES know whats best for us...if we can just be patient and wait on Him.

As I stumble often I am reminded fairly quickly that God expects us to stumble....but that He will not forsake us, will not abandon us.

This book also states

"A man must come to his senses before he can come to God"

"The real journey begins when the false self fails"

Sin occurs when we take charge of doing what God can only do.

Still.....I wrestle with when to act and when to wait. God DOES work through others. He can't do great things in a bitter persons life, but He CAN and DOES use bitter people to help those who are obedient to Him grow, mature and prosper.

He used Pharoahs bitter heart to push Moses and gang to the shores of the Red Sea. He then parted the Red Sea and went on to do great things in those folks lives......and He allowed the water to swallow up a bulk of the bitter hearted army.


Trials are proving grounds. I know we are all tired. I know it is tempting to retreat. But keep in mind the armor of God is meant to protect us as we move FORWARD, not RETREAT.

I don't pretend to know God's will for my life...but I know that my own will used without God invited into my life has led me to some sinful, destructive choices. I remember that as my heart screams at me to "protect me!!!!".

The war is won folks....Jesus did that for us. We are still engaged in battle, but God doesn't need our help to win a war He already won. He needs us to need Him, to willfully choose Him.

Find ways to keep your heart pure and soft. For me, its been my experience that as I do just this.....I experience more pain, but also more healing and growth.


I'm road tripping with a college roommate this weekend! I am very excited about this. Just a reminder to get out and live.

Today is a great day....get out and enjoy it!

Keep the faith.

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
hihn
Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, March 23rd (Monday)

Today I will delight in the holy spirit moving amongst my brethren in Christ here in SI. Take a moment. Will someone join me in this delight & give God the praises for it?


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, March 25th (Wednesday)

Hi hihn.

Yes...I will. I know the antidote for resentment is gratitude. I have much to be grateful for, but find myself with much resentment bubbling up.

God can see my heart....He knows its there. I don't want it there but yesterday I chose to keep it there. yep....I did. I'm sorry for that and I am grateful for His grace and mercy-filled love.

Today I have a chance to choose better.

Courage is needed to persevere and work to dig roots like this out of our lives.

I trust God will do as He has promised to all of us...and through Him I can be a better man today than I was yesterday.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)

hiln,
I'll join you as well.
And, yes, gratitude is an antidote for resentment.

I have been struggling with bitterness, but God is helping me to work through that as well. I was bitter toward the priest of the church we used to attend because he indirectly condoned my FWH's LTA. This week that priest suffered a major heart attack. I felt horrible - could not sleep all night after finding out. The next day I made my peace with him and a weight has been lifted. Please keep this priest in your prayers! And me too. I am a hopeless sinner.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
steppingup
Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)

Steppingout in faith, I ask for those who serve Christ, to pray for me and my WW. She is trapped in the fog and is deeply ensnared please pray for us, specifically;

1. For her sanity, she is cracking up
2. For her heart to turn to God not AP
3. For her obsession over AP to end
4. For her to trust me (BS) that I will not abandon her
5. That she will recommit to our marriage
6. That she will ack on things that MC and IC have told her to do
7. That she will acknoweldge me and respond to my love for her
8. That God will hold us all (BS, WW and DS, DD) together until this storm passes.
9. That I will feel His presence again as I did before the As

Thank you earnestly, STEP.


STEP (BS) - too many DDays to count, DDays continue to come - WW is considering D and chasing her dreams.
"Cheating is so rampant it has become a sign of how mentally unwell and immature our society is".

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Darkness Falls
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)

Praying for you and your wife, Step!


Me: XWS, 33, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 45
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014 on our would-have-been 7th anniversary

Formerly heartbroken0903


Posts: 2553 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Central Florida
steppingup
Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)

thanks DF, very much!!!


STEP (BS) - too many DDays to count, DDays continue to come - WW is considering D and chasing her dreams.
"Cheating is so rampant it has become a sign of how mentally unwell and immature our society is".

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Lovingmyselfmore
Member
Member # 46119
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)

Hi,

Please pray for me I need it so much right now because today I woke up thinking that I will not make it through this ordeal this nightmare doesn't end.


dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42
EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!), porn addict
together: 12 years
Separated.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Dec 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)

Lovingmyselfmore,
Just said a prayer for you! And Step, for your wife as well.

Hang in there! All of you. You're in the right place. God is faithful and loves us all more than we can imagine.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Lovingmyselfmore
Member
Member # 46119
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much!


dday: september-12-2014
Me: 42
EX: 46 gay or bisexual (go figure!), porn addict
together: 12 years
Separated.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Dec 2014
manwhocantbemove
Member
Member # 45699
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)

I mentioned before that I am not a very religious person but I have found myself praying lately. I just don't know where else to turn for strength and I feel like I can't keep pushing thru.

Please pray for my family my children deserve a better father than the man I becoming.

Please pray for my wife - she is so so so very lost

Please pray that I can find the strength to go on. I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this pain.


Me: BH - 31
Her: WW - 31 and had A whole pregnant with our 3rd kid
Family: DS (3) and DS (2), another one coming (finally here- it's a girl!!)

Sometimes I can't believe I can hurt so bad and not be dying

DDay: 11-13-14 : 6 month EA,


Posts: 115 | Registered: Nov 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)

manwhocantbemoved,
My goodness! You have been in my thoughts and in my prayers since you first started posting here. I have wondered how you are doing and was worried when I didn't see anything more from you.

I know the pain you speak of. For me, it comes and goes. There are now - 13 months out from Dday - some real good days. I pray you will have them soon as well.

God is my strength. Without Him, I would not be here. I would not be in this marriage, which would break my sons' hearts - and my husbands, as well. FWH is truly remorseful and I am learning to forgive as God forgives.

Is your WW a Former WW yet? Have all ties been cut with OM? Is she trying to R? Does she understand your pain and try to bring you comfort?

My prayer for you - among other things - is that the scales will fall from her eyes and that your family will be restored to what God would have it be. I also pray for you to feel that peace that passes understanding.

(((manwhocantbemoved)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, March 26th (Thursday)

I so believe in the power of many prayers - please pray for me to be able to sleep. Things are not good and I am trying so hard to focus on myself and taking care of me. I do ok during the day - but at night it gets to me. I have so many decisions to make, I am overwhelmed. I know God is here for me - but it seems so lonely.
Thank you friends


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 520 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, March 27th (Friday)

manwhocantbemove....check up that negative self talk. We all make mistakes.....the quickest through it is to admit you made it.

You didn't marry the wrong woman, your kids have the Dad they were supposed to get.

You have today to choose better....there ARE right choices. When you make a wrong choice....dig for the pain you are deflecting by choosing wrongly. It's almost always pain that motivates, tempts us to choose wrongly. Isolation is a state we are most vulnerable to temptation, the state in which temptation appears to be "least destructive".

I'm talking from my own personal short falls as a man, husband and Dad.


Pinkjeeplady. You, me Pinkjeeplady and your whole family are prayed for daily....have been since I stared my SI prayer list.


Folks....God gives us more than we can handle IF IF IF we try to handle it apart from God.

I'm struggling too....but finally I'm struggling in real pain and not within my pain-numbing wrong choices.

I don't always FEEL like struggling, but my previous way of doing life (without God and with many wrong choices) doesn't FEEL good any longer either.

It's a real skill to learn to "be still". Anxiousness tempts us to act on our feelings in spite of no facts warranting action at that specific time.

God rarely shows up early, but he's never late.

As we wait and live by faith we gain strength we lacked yesterday.

I'm hurting too.....don't have this fully figured out, but realizing I am not meant to. If I knew all, I wouldn't need God. And, again, I tried living like that for 30 years. It hurt me and those I most love.....and it blocked my relationship with Him.

Keep the faith.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, March 28th (Saturday)

So...I''m in the middle of D''ing my STBXWH. He''s completely unremorseful. Right now it looks like he''s in another downward spiral (losing weight & spending money he doesn''t have - patterns during his cheating).

Do others here feel this conflict because of our faith? I know that God could do a miracle here, so despite everything, there''s always that tiny grain of hope. But that hope actually makes things so much harder.

I want to move on and most days I''m doing well. But then that hope is there, holding me back.

My children pray for STBXWH to come back, every night, and have done for the past two years. they too have hope and faith that God can do this. Half of me wants to tell them it''s not going to happen and to see them reach acceptance. But the other half wants the miracle to happen, for them, for their faith. So I stay quiet and let them keep praying.

And yet I wish he''d walk away and leave us all alone. He has hurt us all so much. And he''s oblivious to it. I want the hope to disappear into nothingness.

Please would you pray for us? For how conflicted I feel? For the ability to move on?


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - Unremorseful passive aggressive blameshifter. Many EA's & at least 1 PA. Dday Aug 2012. Walked out April 2013. Demanded D, now stalling

ds5, ds7

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him


Posts: 1352 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, March 29th (Sunday)

(((Softc)))
Praying right now for you and your sweet little family! I think having strong faith does sometimes make it harder to let go. We have to accept that people have free agency to make choices - even when miracles are coming their way. I once read a quote on here that said even if Jesus pulled up with a u-haul full of miracles their WS would refuse them! Right???!!

I too am praying that my FWH will recognize the miracles that have been and are coming our way. I pray he will do the work he needs to do. Ultimately it's up to them of course which is just so darn hard for us to accept.

Praying for you to feel comfort and inner peace. Hold on to your faith in God no matter what happens. I know He is always with us and loves us so much! I do believe that God wants us to be happy and healthy. When you have done all you can in a relationship but are continuing to be hurt, it is ok to let it go. Follow your heart - you will know what to do, even if it's hard. Trust in Him to guide you. Please take care - it's a privedge to pray for you!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 520 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, March 29th (Sunday)

Softcentre,
Of course I'll pray for you. And for your children. I pray you all come to a place of peace and acceptance with what you believe you must do.

I understand the ambivalence you are experiencing. I also believe that D is an option for us when our WS's have torn apart what God has united. Especially if our S's are unrepentant and/or continue in their sin. When I discovered my FWH had been having a 6-year A, as soon as I was able to begin to forgive him, I told my Pastor I wanted us to renew our vows. He said it was too soon - that if I still wanted to after 2 years, he would oblige us. Meaning that if I decided it was too much or if H cheated again, I was free to let him go.

I hope this helps you. And I send you hugs!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, March 29th (Sunday)

Thank you


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - Unremorseful passive aggressive blameshifter. Many EA's & at least 1 PA. Dday Aug 2012. Walked out April 2013. Demanded D, now stalling

ds5, ds7

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him


Posts: 1352 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, March 29th (Sunday)

Busy week and it has been a long time since I have posted. My heart is just breaking over these posts, but I know that God is still with you all. I pray for all of you. That you have peace, strength, and some joy. That your children are sheltered and that your spouses will see the light and choose to walk down that path. DO NOT GIVE UP. I pray for those of you that posted to have your answers for some hard choices. If you do choose to step away. Still be there for them. Still pray for them. Like the prodigal son. If you are lost and unable to understand these times. Please focus on Job. Show God how faithful and strong you are in his light. Know that he is there. That he will fix everything when it is time and really see around you. God will give you the resources to see this through, but you must choose to walk to those resources. Look for fellowship.

Keep your hope. Hope leads to patience. Have patience in your circumstances and trials. Patience in people is mercy. Mercy will lead to forgiveness and joy. Turn to Hebrews 10: 32-39 and read that. Be inspired. Be calmed. Dont give in to the despair, that is Satan. Stay in the light, trust and believe. Have faith.

I am in a good place right now and I so wish that the joy God has given me, I could give it to some of you.

I have and will continue to pray for you. Manwhocantbemove, lovingmyselfmore, neefriendshere, blakesteele, stepping up, pinkjeeplady, softcentre, and any I missed.


[This message edited by hopefulmother at 3:36 PM, March 29th (Sunday)]


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, March 29th (Sunday)

Hopefulmother,
It is so good to hear from you again. It sounds like you are in a very good place. That is an answer to prayer.

God has been doing a lot in my life lately too. My youngest DS came home from college this weekend and we had some awesome fellowship with him - H and I. We had some very deep but oh-so encouraging discussions. The 3 of us being together really put things in perspective for me.

I realized that I put too much importance on H and on things I can not change. I can't change who he is or erase what he did, but I don't have to let it have power over me anymore. For the first time since Dday, I see both FWH and OW as very broken people - both of whom I allowed to fill me with bitterness, self-pity, and despair. I love FWH but realize I don't NEED him to determine what my worth is in this life. I have resigned myself to the fact that I married a deeply messed-up person, someone who - yes - probably could cheat on me again. And I realize that if he does, I will be ok without him. I have a God who will never leave or forsake me. And He has given me strength and gifts I forgot I had. It was all clouded by H's LTA and my inability to let go of it. I almost let it destroy me.

I pray every day for over 60 people on this site. And my prayer for all of us is that we will be able to rise above what our WS's did to us, that it will no longer have power over us, and that we will be able to experience that peace (with who and Whose we are) that passes all understanding. I hope that's ok with you all. Thank you SO MUCH for your prayers.

I send you hugs!!

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 11:20 PM, March 29th (Sunday)]


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
globetrotter
Member
Member # 46685
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, March 29th (Sunday)

Hi,

I try to read through this thread and add to my prayer list when I have time.

I have a request of my own. This week I am in the process of moving my son and I from the UK back to our home in Washington State. So, I am also in between counselors. I have to look for a new counselor because the one I have seen in the past seems to have retired. I can't find a trace of her anywhere. I had some sessions with a counselor in the UK after D-Day and before this move, but now I'm dealing with the transition, and don't have anyone to talk to yet.

I am struggling this week with anger and hate for WH. I don't like to carry these kinds of emotions. I know from experience that when I have these sorts of feelings directed at someone, that I am the one who gets hurt the most. I feel that anger and hate are part of a protective reflex, to help me cope with the pain of dealing with WH's infidelity and the dissolution of our marriage. But they won't help me or DS in the long run.

Please, I need prayers for peace and comfort to my heart. Sometimes I think that if WH would only snap out of his fog and express remorse, and agree to put in the work to R, that I would begin to feel comfort. The possibility of comfort is so greatly desired, but remorse is not forthcoming, and I can't let him have this power over me. Whether I can restore and strengthen my heart should not be in his hands.

I have to figure out how to co-parent with him. It will be hard if I am always angry at him. I didn't know it was possible to love and hate someone so thoroughly all at once.

Please pray --
Thank you,
globetrotter

[This message edited by globetrotter at 3:15 AM, April 19th (Sunday)]


D-Day: January 17, 2015
Me: 41
WH: 40
DS: almost 3
Friends for 27 years, married for 14
Blindsided by WH's confession of workplace affair while living abroad. DS and I are starting anew back home while WH continues to live in outer space.

Posts: 119 | Registered: Feb 2015 | From: WA
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, March 30th (Monday)

Globetrotter,
Please see my last post on this thread. God CAN answer your prayer. I have added you to my prayer list and will pray for you every day.

I try to follow up on those I have been praying for and have seen a lot of healing, even in cases where D became inevitable. But in cases like all of ours here in SI, it comes slowly. The wounds cut so deeply when we have been betrayed by the person we loved so much and with whom we have shared what seems like our entire life. A life that was once predicated on complete trust, among other things. God IS love and remember that love is, first and foremost, patient. God is patient with us as move through all the emotions we are feeling.

I pray that your anger and hate dissipate and that you WILL experience the peace you desire and deserve. And that you, too, will come to realize that your worth is not dependent on where you stand with your WH. You wish for him to snap out of his fog and desire to R with you and your DS. I pray that will happen too and that your DS won't even recall the days that his daddy was "away". I hope to hear from you again soon.

(((globetrotter)))

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 10:51 AM, March 30th (Monday)]


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
manwhocantbemove
Member
Member # 45699
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, March 30th (Monday)

Thank you for your continued support.


Me: BH - 31
Her: WW - 31 and had A whole pregnant with our 3rd kid
Family: DS (3) and DS (2), another one coming (finally here- it's a girl!!)

Sometimes I can't believe I can hurt so bad and not be dying

DDay: 11-13-14 : 6 month EA,


Posts: 115 | Registered: Nov 2014
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, March 30th (Monday)

Globetrotter I pray that you find peace, comfort, and tranquility. I pray that in your move you find the fellowship you desperately desire. I will be praying. Keep your eyes and heart open and God will surely open a door to your healing there. He will not abandon you. We will be here, though I know it is nothing like an encouraging smile or a comforting hug.

Needfriendshere: I am so relieved that you have had a period of respite and calmness. I pray that this is the turning point and that it continues through Easter.

Still praying for the rest of you and I am adding a special prayer for a gal in JFO that is a fellow Christian and her Christian husband is really knee deep and lost. I hope he realizes soon how special and strong his wife is in comparison to his AP.


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, April 3rd (Friday)

Going to have a home Mass tomorrow ( Easter Vigil) in our backyard...about 25 people....
You will all be in my prayers....


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 881 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, April 4th (Saturday)

Special prayers go out to you all on this day of renewal and restoration! Happy Easter to all of you who fill my prayers each and every day!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, April 5th (Sunday)

Happy Easter!

He has risen!!!!!


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, April 10th (Friday)

Just touching base. I hope everyone had a peaceful Easter. Still praying hard for you guys. Have faith and peace that surpasses all understanding. Remember that we didn't do this, we may never understand it all. Do you really want to? To understand it, we would have to be it...to know it...to feel it. I know for one I am happy to be me. To never know what it feels like to be a WS and to be that desperate to hurt others to get what I need. Have empathy for their pain to. Not entirely the pain they may feel afterwards, though I do (except when they talk about the pain of losing AP-I still don't have empathy for) but for the pain they felt to enable them to become so lost.

Trust in God that everything will work out. He knows and he understands it all. Let that be enough. Let that surpass all understanding. Pray...pray...pray.

Fear, jealousy, anxiety, pain this all the Devils work whispering in your ear. Do not succumb to it. Turn away and find peace instead. Trust in God. He will give you your peace if you ask him and turn to him. This is so easy for him to do, he gave his only son to us knowing he would go through so much worse. He survived and grew even more graceful and full of mercy in spite of some horrible betrayal.

Focus on the the Fruit of the Spirit and let go of this pain.

I pray that you all will be touched by the Holy Spirit that is overflowing in me right now.

We moved last year back home and I am elated. I just had my first Chickadee visit my bird feeders. I was so worried that the birds I enjoyed watching were not going to be here as much as they were at my old place. No Blue Jays yet, but there are no Oaks around. Sorry to go off topic. But my point is...find joy and delight in the little things that defined you before this awful mess. Before the A became what defined you.


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 10th (Friday)

Hopefulmother,
Very wise words there! God is showing me much of what you share here - to find joy in the things I used to enjoy, and that my H and my M do not define who I am. It's still a battle, but there is hope and I can sort of see that proverbial light at the end of this long, dark tunnel!

Prayers going out to you all!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
hihn
Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, April 13th (Monday)

Hopeful

[find joy and delight in the little things that defined you before this awful mess. Before the A became what defined you]

You said it for me. It was when I found joy and delight in the little things that I felt closet to my God. I especially see him thru his creations of nature. Only an amazing God could create that stuff and that is the amazing God who says he loves me & I love him. He is the one who lives inside of me. It is his embrace I desire & am comforted by.

[This message edited by hihn at 9:14 PM, April 13th (Monday)]


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, April 14th (Tuesday)

Amen Hihn. I guess spring does help in the healing process. Renewal in spring and faith as his Son died on the cross for me not to waste my life away, but earn my place in Heaven.


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, April 15th (Wednesday)

I have a rather strange prayer request. It was prompted by a thread I was reading just a while ago about having empathy towards our WS's.

I don't know about you, but I struggle with this. I see FWH doing all he can possibly do to "make up for what he did". I mean, he is being amazing. If he had never had the 6-year A, I would feel like the luckiest woman alive. No joke. But he DID have a 6-year A, during which he lied, had a blatant disregard for my health (she had an STD and he knew it before having unprotected sex with her about a thousand times), and treated me like garbage. Yes, he is being a perfect H now. And I do love him. But I also find myself triggering so easily and then asking him again and again, "why??". I find myself drilling him with the same questions, hoping to get an answer that I can live with - that will give me some kind of peace. A peace that, I guess I have to resign myself to accept, may never come.

My prayer is that I will reach the point of true empathy for H, and perhaps even feel sorry for him - for how I keep beating him down when he is trying so hard. I also pray that what he did will stop hurting so bad - that I will somehow get over it and move beyond it in our M. It's been 14 months already...

I pray you are all doing well today! I keep you in my prayers - every day.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, April 15th (Wednesday)

((Needfriendshere))

I will add this specific request to my prays for you.

Give yourself grace and empathy first. 14 months is a very short time considering the duration of the LTA. You didn't choose this path. He did. I'm not sure one can find empathy for the WS until one is able to find empathy for oneself for putting up with their behavior during the LTA and then trying to reconcile.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 15th (Wednesday)

Thank you, Brokenheartedwif!

I guess my H feels like 14 months should be long enough. Every time I bring his A up (last night being one of them), he reminds me that he does not like to think about it (or OW). And don't I know that I just dredge it up for him every time I do?

Problem is that I STILL have so many unanswered questions. Things that keep me up at night and that plague my days. I guess I need prayers for patience and understanding from him too.

Again, thanks!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, April 16th (Thursday)

needfriendshere....I see you are in a common place. Though common it is still a very painful place.

You are not unlike many BS's on SI. You are in pain but have spent a lifetime denying and minimizing your own pain to "spare others". Even now your husbands responses to your pain have you looking at old familiar ruts and thinking "maybe he's right, maybe I need to get back in those ruts?"

Adultery is crazy making. Lack of compassion and empathy is a trademark of many waywards....it is required in order for them to consider the trade of their M/family for an affair to be considered a "fair trade".


You are intelligent....you know the motivation to ask questions is that you have been lied to and your husband still fears the very REAL consequences of his choices to the point of boldly telling you he "does not like to think about his choices".

I totally get that......and for the first 6 months past my first DD I didn't want to really think or look at reality either. Thankfully, God allowed this trial into my life to COMPLETELY OVERLOAD MY CAPABILITIES! It was only then that I started to find the courage (out of necessity not desire) to start the path to authentic living.

Totally get your husband wants to preach the lie "forgive and forget". But to do so is to effectively pass on any wisdom trials can afford you.

To quickly dismiss adultery as a one-off bad choice is to deny oneself the opportunity to see realty, accept facts in sufficient quantity to actually constructively change who you are.

I find myself continuing to pray for courage as I continue on my journey. Moral inventories are tough to do.....often times you need a loving friend to help you do this. My, how we can deceive ourselves!

Gracerunner didn't start to remove the "OM mindset" from her internal workings until 18 months out. Its unlikely your husband has reached such a point. He may have gotten to the point of "phew, I will never do that again" but I don't see much indication from your posts that he is moving towards the "How did I ever get to the point where I actually traded my M for adultery?".......which includes a journey into how your husband lost compassion and empathy for you (or never possessed it to begin with) prior to meeting his OW.

Discernment is needed.....I'm working on that. When are you grieving in healthy ways and when are you striking back in lame efforts to "help" your wayward face pain you perceive they are not willing to on their own?

This is a humbling experience....allow it to humble you more. I still have too much pride and arrogance....I see how it effectively stops real change and real growth.

Just today I was telling myself lies....."You have enough to heal from your CSA now...you don't need to spend another $65 on therapy or face any more details. You have enough to make peace with it and leave it alone."

We are not to spend our lives struggling....we are called to rejoice in everything.


I am not rejoicing in my wifes choice to have an affair or subsequent intimacy killing choices....but I am rejoicing that the pain of those choices has opened my eyes to my own wrong choices and appreciating the fact I have today to choose better.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
crushedinpa
Member
Member # 46787
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, April 16th (Thursday)

I am asking for support and prayers as we travel to Florida tomorrow to take my 3 kids to see my terminally ill father. He wants to see them before he is very sick from the cancer, and even WH. My WH and I had another incident where I caught him in a lie this week (not A related) and I am barely speaking to him and did not want him to go to FLA. He asked to go, I told him okay, but the only reason I am agreeing to it is because I want my dad to know I am okay and if I show up with only the kids he will know things aren't okay. Dad knew about WH affair before we found out about his cancer. I don't want to hurt dad anymore, so I just don't have the heart to tell him reconciliation is not going well. We need so much prayer right now. Thank you...


Me 45: BS
Him 45: WS
M 19 yrs with 1 DD and 2 DS
D-Day 1/28/2015 (1.5 mos. affair) EA/some PA (his TT story)
In R (I think)

Posts: 220 | Registered: Feb 2015
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, April 16th (Thursday)

Almost 2 weeks ago something happened in my life I feel compelled to share....with some reluctance. Its taken me this long to get the courage to share it.

two weeks ago Friday I had a restless night.....bad dreams, anxious thoughts...y'all know the routine.

I woke early saturday morning very unsettled. In the past I would commonly choose to take action based on my feelings. This morning I once again practiced being still. A new-to-me tool.

After an hour I headed to a local restaurant for breakfast. I was going to eat and read more in my latest book.

As i got my food I went into prayer. It was a lengthy prayer....a convo with God that contained gratefullness, complaining, pleading, and thankfullness.

The jest of it was basically "God, you said you wouldn't abandon me. I can look back and see in my life times where I FELT abandoned but now plainly see You were their with me....but failed to recognize You. This morning, I need to see more of you NOW. I have faith I will see tomorrow what I missed today....but this pain is not healing and my feelings are pressing me to ACT!!! I know that is the wrong thing to do, that factually no new pain is present, that in times of seemingly no solution I am to wait on you.....but I this old pain just doesn't appear to be healing."


I opened my eyes, adjusted my plate and took a sip of my iced tea.

A couple ladies walked by my table...almost past me when the one in the rear stopped and looked down at me.

This is what followed;


"What are you reading?" she asks

"The Healing of the Masculine Soul" I replied.

"As you heal God will continue to speak to you from life....the clerk at the grocery store, the waitress at the restaurant. He will use all things living to comfort and guide you on your journey.

As you lower your walls and allow life to come more and more into you....your healing will increase." she said.


I was in shock.....a few pleasantries were exchanged after that, but I don't recall them. I was so intent on remembering her words to me!

Maybe I was rude....but I had some strong emotions within me. Like I was scared to blink for fear it would end but also afraid of the boldness in which this lady spoke to me, kinda wanting the moment to pass!

Crazy, huh.

I wanted to turn around and see what happened to the ladies....but just couldn't bring myself to do it.

I quickly typed the exchange word for word into my iPhone so I would never forget it. But I will never forget this experience.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 16th (Thursday)

Added y'all to my active prayer list CrushedinPA.

I'm sorry to hear about the health of your father and your continued struggles in your M.

Everything happens for a reason.....but I don't often see the reason till some time AFTER the trial has subsided. I know that is little comfort for you now. Keep reaching out...you are not alone.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 16th (Thursday)

Blakesteele,

Thank you SO MUCH for your post. You really hit the nail on the head with:

"Its unlikely your husband has reached such a point. He may have gotten to the point of "phew, I will never do that again" but I don't see much indication from your posts that he is moving towards the "How did I ever get to the point where I actually traded my M for adultery?".......which includes a journey into how your husband lost compassion and empathy for you (or never possessed it to begin with) prior to meeting his OW."

These are exactly the answers I want now. I don't need to know ANYTHING more about what transpired between him and OW. But I need to make sure H can articulate "why" it all happened so that we can BOTH move toward true healing - for ourselves as individuals and for our M.

Yes, this terrible, terrible trial has brought growth in other ways. God has taught me to place my trust on Him and Him alone. And He is helping me to remember and become the person I was before H's A - before I went through 6 years of self-loathing, wondering why the man I loved the most in the world was treating me so badly.

Thank you so much for always knowing what to say and for getting me to think. Now, how do I get H to open up and really TALK to me about what was going on his head leading up to and during the A? (especially when he tells me he has only really ever loved me and only me) I NEED those answers.

I pray you are doing well these days.

(((Blakesteele)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, April 16th (Thursday)

CrushedinPa,

Am lifting up prayers for you too - have been for a while, but now I know how to pray for you. I, too, am really sorry to hear about your dad. I think you are doing the right thing by bringing your H along. I really do...

Bleakesteele,

Thank you for sharing what happened in the restaurant too! I love those "God" moments. It's good that you wrote it down - to never forget that God does indeed use others to get His message across to us. I really like that: we need to lower our walls and allow "life" to come into us before we can experience true healing. Nice...


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, April 16th (Thursday)

Needsfriendshere: This is such a tricky subject IMO. On one hand, there is no possible way to get all the answers. And as I stated in a PM, there came a point where the story of Job really hit home for me. That we must trust in God when we don't always have the answers for the reasons why. We must have blind faith. In some sense I believe the same applies to our A issues after some time has been exhausted to get to the answers. We must just stop and trust that God will do what needs to be done. Regardless, of the outcome that we want.

On the other hand:

I find myself drilling him with the same questions, hoping to get an answer that I can live with - that will give me some kind of peace. A peace that, I guess I have to resign myself to accept, may never come.
Every time I bring his A up (last night being one of them), he reminds me that he does not like to think about it (or OW). And don't I know that I just dredge it up for him every time I do?
You need some time to do your questions. It takes a lot of time and it is normal to ask the same ones. Months after the A we ask questions and get answers. Some we can assimilate, others are to painful for the answers, others we quickly forget because we are in trauma mode. It is a cycle that usually doesn't stop till we feel safe and we have faith.

There used to be an excellent thread about the A being a puzzle and how we don't have the picture to use to put it together. So the Ws needed to help it and be patient.

Now the second part of what I quoted. You are in a loop because I think you are not in deep R yet. If you were, your husband would do anything for you ...including putting aside his shame to make you feel better. Don't worry, he sounds like he will get there with a little prompting. My husband did the same thing and it took him over a year and a half almost to reach that point of R. True, deep remorse starts when he is patient, doesn't get mad or defensive. Sure he does hurt and feels bad for you. But, he is still focusing on his hurt over yours.

I will be praying that he gets to that point real soon.


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, April 16th (Thursday)

CrushedinPA: I am praying for your father's speedy recovery and for you to have the time to gain strength from your father as only a loving father can do for his daughter. I pray for peace and comfort for you both.


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, April 16th (Thursday)

Blakesteele: Wow, what a way for God to show you he is always with you. I hope you shared the experience with your mens group. That is part of our journey. To be witnesses that God will never abandon us and to remain faithful. It may just make the difference for at least one person.

Coincidentally my L.A.C.E. group were just discussing faithfulness last night. How we must have a heart of love to be faithful. No wonder our spouses strayed. They didn't have true selfless love for us. That God's faithfulness in us never ends. It is certain, true, and enduring.

Be strong in your convictions and continue to remain faithful in him and yourself. Your wife is bound to follow.


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, April 16th (Thursday)

Hopefulmother,

Wow! You must have been is some deep prayer before logging on to this thread tonight. Lots of wisdom! Yeah, I do need time to get he answers I want. I am giving myself this entire year - "year 2" to slowly get H to help me understand.

BTW, I have a question that is way off topic but that his been driving me crazy for a long time on this site. How do you get other people's quotes to show up in those little blue boxes? When I want to refer to something someone else has said, I cut and paste and it gets all jumbled up with the rest of what I am saying! Help! And thank you too...


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, April 16th (Thursday)

There are buttons that you click on that show up on the left. Bold Italic Quote. Just highlight what you paste and then while it is highlighted click quote.


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, April 16th (Thursday)

BTW, I just have an excellent prayer group and a great group of SI fellowship. I just wish my husband was part of it. Still agnostic.


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
imworn
New Member
Member # 47131
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, April 16th (Thursday)

This is my very first post! I have lurked (boy, that sounds creepy!) since 06/2013 when my Husband of 23 years admitted he had met a woman at a bar while out of town for work a few weeks before and was leaving me and our 10 year old Son for her. To say I was blindsided is an understatement!! I didn't even know this man drank, let alone visited bars!!!! He returned in 09/2013 after the OW dumped him. I have been dealing with TT ever since. Biggest was 08/2014 when he admitted that he had actually been visiting bars while out of town for work and having multiple ONSs since 2010. As of 2 weeks ago that date was moved back to 2008.

I have kind of aimlessly viewed these boards on occasion, but never felt I fully belonged anywhere. Too much of a Jesus Freak to relate to majority of folks I guess. Just ran across this thread tonight and it was just a huge sigh of relief as I read through the thread. People that understand my faith and this struggle!!! God had blessed me with a pretty charmed life to this point, so this trial has been the first true testing of my faith, and wow! what a test!! My Husband and I were onlys and he still is my only. I always knew and appreciated how very special and rare that was. Apparently he not so much.

I'm not really sure where things are now. With the latest TT I just felt at my wits end. I asked my Husband to leave and he did. I keep praying for God to please show me very clearly, without a doubt, His will for me and I will do it, regardless what it is, but I want to make sure it is His will and not mine. My Husband exhibits Narcisistic behavior and I'm a very well groomed co-dependent, since we have been together since the week after I turned 18 and I'm now 43.

I worry most for my precious boy. He is 12 now and is in those middle school years, which are rough enough without this additional drama. He attends a Christian school where almost all of the kids have intact families. This has been so very humiliating for both he and I. Everyone has been so kind and supportive, but it is still humiliating.

The upside thus far has been the tremendous deepening of my relationship with Christ. I have never feel so absolutely and completely broken and helpless in my life. There was nowhere else to turn but Him!! People will tell me they admire my faith in all this and I say there is nothing to admire, I had no other choice, there was nowhere else to turn! I'm so much more in tune with the Holy Spirit now. I now realize God has always been speaking to me, I just was never at a place to truly hear Him.

Sorry I've rambled so. I just wanted to introduce myself and let you all know how relieved I was to find others who share my deep faith as we journey together through this terrible trial. I will be praying for you all.

PS- my user name is the title of a Tenth Ave North song. It perfectly describes how I feel most days. I'm sure you all will be able to relate.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2015
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, April 17th (Friday)

imworn,
I know this is a place no one would ever want to find themselves, but welcome! There are good people here who care and understand. You said:

The upside thus far has been the tremendous deepening of my relationship with Christ. I have never feel so absolutely and completely broken and helpless in my life. There was nowhere else to turn but Him!! People will tell me they admire my faith in all this and I say there is nothing to admire, I had no other choice, there was nowhere else to turn!

I can relate to this 100%. Very well put. I know that, without Christ, I would not be in this marriage anymore. And on most days, R is going pretty well. I do love my FWH - always have. On Dday just before putting all of H's belongings in trash bags and throwing them on the lawn, I began to pray. I prayed for two hours while my WH battled traffic to get home, and I felt God tell me to listen to him and to give him a chance. God knows that I would have been much more unhappy without H than with him. He knows our hearts better than we know ourselves.

Hang in there. Your faith will take you far!!

(((Imworn)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
imworn
New Member
Member # 47131
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 17th (Friday)

needfriendshere thank you so very much for the reply and encouragement. I greatly appreciate it. Feel God may be leading me to the realization that my Husband is not interested in doing what is necessary to salvage his marriage and family. But am also feeling great peace in that, which is my indication that is of God. One thing I've come to recognize through this trial, if a decision or thought creates anxiety that is of the devil. Sometimes the LORD convicts me or puts something on my heart I don't want to hear and while its not pleasant, its not anxiety ridden. During the past 2 weeks without my Husband presence my Son and I are thriving. I cant believe how much better we are doing in just 2 weeks. The first was certainly a little sad, but this week we really seemed to have turned a corner. I had a dream last night that I realized my Husband had left for good, and upon that realization in the dream I thought we (my son and I) are going to be just fine, in fact we are going to be better than ever, and felt tremendous relief. Then I awoke, recalled the dream and felt that same overwhelming relief in real life.

I'm certainly not going to jump to any decisions and will continue to seek God's will. My Husband is completely in HIS hands now, I have finally fully surrendered that idol.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2015
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, April 17th (Friday)

imworn,
Wow! You have come pretty far in a short amount of time. It took me over a year to realize that if H cheats again and I have to let him go, that I will be just fine - probably better than ever. I think you're right about the anxiety. Man oh man, I have almost let the anxiety kill me over here. Seriously. I always had super low blood pressure, but since Dday, it can climb to 147 over 98. And I am only 120 pounds!! Thank you for showing me yet another way to pray for healing! So glad to have "met" you. Thank you!

BTW, I am really sorry your H is doing what he is doing. He may turn around and come back - they often do when they "wake up". Under these circumstances, your strength is truly exemplary.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
imworn
New Member
Member # 47131
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, April 17th (Friday)

needfriendshere,

I will pray for your healing in the area of anxiety as well!! Oh my goodness you are a tiny thing!! Did you lose weight post dday?

Thanks for your very kind compliments, but I certainly don't feel very strong. I wouldn't say I've come so far in such a short time. While my Husband has been only out of the house for the past 2 weeks, I have been dealing with all this since dday1 on 06/13/2013, so it has been a gradual progression. Today however I am feeling very joyful in the LORD so I am going to enjoy it while it last!!

I would imagine the Jesus Calling devotional has probably been mentioned at some point in this thread. That devotional has been so very helpful to me. There have been days that I have prayed or cried out to the LORD about something and then lo and behold, Jesus Calling will word for word address what I was praying about. In today's Jesus Calling one of the lines reads "Don't let unexpected events throw you off course. Rather, respond calmly and confidently, remembering I am with you." That made my heart smile because it perfectly described how I am feeling today....calmly confident in my LORD and Savior Jesus Christ!!!! Probably helps that I've been NC with Husband for past 5 days. Sometimes I feel he is a direct conduit from the devil to me!! I know that sounds terrible, but I am so emotionally charged and so easily crushed and infuriated by some the things my Husband says. This break from him has been a wonderful opportunity to reign in my emotions for an extended period of time (days) allowing myself to truly absorb God's peace and confidence in who HE says I am!

Thank you so much needfriendshere for replying to me. From reading your previous posts I feel we are of the same mindset. Its soooo nice to connect with someone that "gets" me! There are people who understand and share in my faith and those who understand what its like to be a BS. But I haven't been able to connect with anyone that understands both of those until now!


Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2015
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, April 17th (Friday)

Imworn,
Yes, you are a kindred spirit. I can tell. God is good, isn't he? In the midst of all this craziness, he connects people across the miles in an SI forum!

Thank you for your prayers! I covet prayer. To answer your question, I have been a rather small person for some time now - was as low as 113 pounds a few years ago. I try to watch what I eat and to exercise every day. I get my prayer time in when I do Yoga of all things. And I have added you to my prayer list.

I have not heard of Jesus Calling, but love the quote you gave for today. I will try to find it. Silly question maybe, but is it on Kindle? It seems like I read everything on my Kindle these days!

I hope you and your precious son have a nice and peaceful weekend. God has blessed me with 2 boys who are my heart's delight. I am visiting one of them at his college this weekend. But I hope to still be able to check messages while there. It has been really great getting to know you!

(((imworn)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, April 19th (Sunday)

Imworn,
How are you doing? I hope you had a peaceful weekend.

Blaeksteele, Cruhsedinpa, and Hopefulmother, the same goes to you!

This weekend was pretty amazing. Spent some quality time with DS2, who is a believer. And heard a great message in church today. It was about being kind to and basically forgiving those who scheme against us. OW came to mind and I felt pretty convicted, as most of the time, I secretly pray that she will D her BH and fall in love with someone who will make her forget my H - not very godly prayers, I know.

Anyway, I pray for MANY of you on this site and hope to keep the "chain" alive on this thread. Hugs to you all!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
imworn
New Member
Member # 47131
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, April 19th (Sunday)

needfriendshere,

So wonderful to hear you had a nice weekend with your Son. Really brought some joy to my heart!!

My weekend was not as peaceful as I had hoped. My DS had an overnighter @ school on Friday night, & my WH asked if he could come over to talk while our DS was not around. I agreed.

I am so pathetic!! I actually got my hopes up that he was going to show up with flowers saying that he missed our Son & I so much over the past 2 weeks and realized how very much he loved us that he was willing to do whatever it took for us to stay together. My bubble was immediately burst when he strolled into our home nonchalantly with his big selfish ego on full display. He just wanted to talk about what I wanted to do as far as specifics of divorce/separation.

I was so devastated it was all I could do not to burst out in tears!!! I hate this stupid codependent personality of mine!!! Why do I ever even get my hopes up? I do it every time, only to be crushed every time!! I keep thinking the miracle is going to occur if I just keep hanging on, but I've hung on to this narcissist for over 25 years, you'd think I would have figured out by now its not going to happen!! But still I keep hanging on to hope! I'm so frustrated. I was doing so well and feeling so good, and just a little contact with WH and I feel back to square one.

I get so frustrated because I feel God still hasn't fully released me, but then I wonder if that is just my codependency talking and its not really God's will for me. I'm afraid my faith exacerbates my codependency, because it is so easy to say I need to forgive 7x70, I need to show love and compassion, God is the God of reconciliation, God hates divorce, I'm supposed to be long suffering, etc., but I'm afraid I am unconsciously misusing those virtues to continue in my codependency.

Sorry this went on so long. I'm just so tired. I need God to clearly show me His will for me. I worry that HE is actually doing that but I'm to codependently blind to see it!!

If you don't mind I would appreciate prayers for discernment concerning God's will for me. And also for the strength to do His will once it is revealed.

I have been keeping you all in my prayers daily.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2015
imworn
New Member
Member # 47131
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 19th (Sunday)

needfriendshere,

Hugs to you concerning your conviction today. That shows what an open heart you have to internalizing God's Word. I think there is no greater attribute a human can have!! Bravo my Dear!!

Please forgive yourself for the times you have had not so nice thoughts and prayers. You are human and what you are going through is so very traumatic. It is so easy to give into our fleshly humanness when we are consumed with such emotion and pain. Give yourself the grace you give everyone else. Give yourself credit for recognizing when you have been wrong.

I am embarrassed to even admit some of the unchristian things I have done during some of my emotional meltdowns. Most notably use of the f word. To hear men say that word used to make me cringe, and to hear a woman say it would make me sick to my stomach. Yet after d day that word, just flowed out of my mouth!! I think it is because that is the most vulgar word I can think of for sex, so its seemed fitting for what my husband had done!! But no excuse, still wrong and I'm ashamed I lowered myself to that.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2015
imworn
New Member
Member # 47131
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, April 19th (Sunday)

needfriendshere,

Sorry! One final post! LOL

In answer to your question, yes. Jesus Calling is available for Kindle. It is a very uplifting devotional, that helps me keep my eyes on Jesus in all circumstances. I think you would love it!


Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2015
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, April 20th (Monday)

{{Imworn}}

I will be praying specifically for God's discernment and strength for you. This is a roller-coaster ride. Give your self some grace concerning the "F" word. it sill flows far too easily from me to describe what my SAWH was doing with my supposed SA friend.

I even used that word a lot, when speaking with my former pastors wife. She showed me such grace and understanding concerning it as an expression of my pain and no other word to describe his very selfish destructive choices. My former pastor's wife is truly Jesus' arms in the flesh.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, April 20th (Monday)

Imworn and Brokenheartedwif,
Time to interject some levity into all this! I have to confess that I too have found myself using the f word to describe what H did during his dark years as well. And I NEVER used to use that word! In fact, a friend of mine who did always used to apologize if she used it around me. I only use it when speaking to H and usually in an unhappy tone, and he just stares at me without a word when I do so. Kind of like with those "tail between the legs" kind of looks, if you know what I mean. It's like he feels, "I have driven you to THIS!?". So it looks like we are all in the same boat. Not sure what that says about our emotional state though! I guess we are all pretty raw.

Imworn, I know the struggles you describe here all too well - the struggle between strictly staying true to God's Word vs. staying true to yourself. I will also pray for discernment for you. You are going through a very rough time. I am so sorry about what happened the other night. Your H is still in a delusional fog. You clearly have not given up on your M and were hoping for R and he is still in La La Land. It's a tough place to be in. Again, your faith will take you far, but I know that the pain is still so strong.

I send you hugs and prayers - both of you!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
crushedinpa
Member
Member # 46787
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, April 22nd (Wednesday)

I wanted to let everyone know we made to Florida and back safely. We all had a good visit with my father even WH. I know my dad talked to him some alone, not sure what was said yet. WH seemed moved and awakened by it all (I am not optimistic it will last). He is ambulatory and in better spirits than I expected given his diagnosis. I am praying for his comfort in this, and he comes to have a relationship with God. He did not turn down a visit with the Hospice chaplain he said not yet. Thank you all for your support and prayers. I will keep you posted on his state.

I need prayers for this marriage, I don't know what will happen. I caught WH in a lie, ( he said working but was golfing) last week. I really went off, and would not talk to him or let him sleep with me for two nights, until we met with MC. Our MC is at his wit's end with him(me too), bc WH has done some crappy things (non A related) since D. Day. Even MC said unless he gets on board with working at this there isn't much more the MC can do. WH has IC appt. tonight. I really am unsure where we are at this point....


Me 45: BS
Him 45: WS
M 19 yrs with 1 DD and 2 DS
D-Day 1/28/2015 (1.5 mos. affair) EA/some PA (his TT story)
In R (I think)

Posts: 220 | Registered: Feb 2015
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday)

crushedinpa,

Glad the visit went well. It sounds like the visit we had with my folks after Dday. My Dad and FWH also had a "talk".

I will continue to pray for you and your M. Thanks for the update.

(((crushedinpa)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday)

Sorry, so long to be posting. But, I have been praying for you imworn for several days and as always needsfriendshere, Blakesteele, crushedinpa, and brokenheartedwif.

Imworn:

Probably helps that I've been NC with Husband for past 5 days. Sometimes I feel he is a direct conduit from the devil to me!! I know that sounds terrible, but I am so emotionally charged and so easily crushed and infuriated by some the things my Husband says

I think you are right about that. From what I have learned at L.A.C.E. the Devil knows our exact weakness and will speak through the weakness and free will of other people. I know that the Devil tried to break my faith with my abandonment issues regarding the A. It didn't work.

No matter what if I am not good enough for my husband. I trust and have faith in God and know I will always be everything to him and his son. I have faith that God will place me with someone that does cherish me after he uses me to teach my husband a lesson or two. That from this experience he has taught me so much and has strengthened my character in the the Fruits of the Spirit.

For now, that is not an issue and things are going really well still.

I pray nightly for the Holy Spirit to touch you all, to fill us all, and to build us up. With it, we can persevere through anything with our faith in God. I will pray that he shows you the path he wants you to take, to find God's discernment and strength for you. I pray for patience if anything. As we lambs of faith know, God moves in his own way and sometimes it just isn't fast enough for us. But, have faith and know in the deepest regions of your soul that he will fix things.

I too have also used the F word for the word sex in the same manner. I honestly think my husband's hair turns a darker shade of grey each time I had used it. I never used it before.

ChrushedinPA: I am so happy that the visit went well. I will be praying for your husband to start treating you with more respect. So sorry he acting like that.

Needsfriendshere: remember that anxiety is not a good thing and is not a gift from God. Which you already know. Just remind yourself of that each time you feel it. Then focus on what is a gift from God.

Please pray for me. Sometimes I think I come across too harsh and my soul is crying out for a fellow SI that is so lost in vengeance and isn't finding true faith. I fear for her. Please pray for the Holy Spirit to fill her up and take away her pain and anger. To fill her with peace, love, empathy, and compassion. I know God will move in a more defined way to show her that she is not abandoned and doesn't need this destructive path. I want to speak up more, but fear reproach from the board for becoming to gospel but she is being misled. Even as I type this, I don't know if this is even allowed. Please pray that she is given someone to comfort her in a healthy spiritual way.

I leave you guys tonight with Ephesians 6:10-20


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)

Thanks hopefulmother.

Satan is very much on the prowl.

He wants us all to feel isolated and alone.

It is in this state of being where temptations appear the most attractive and least destructive.

Feelings are not facts. If we work within the spirit God gave us (one of power, love and self discipline) we can have feelings and not let them have us. We can courageously search for facts before we choose actions.


Think of the choices you made that resulted in you sinning....I bet all of them started with believing a lie. And not just lies from other people, but lies you told yourself!

For me, false assumptions were often treated as facts....and the choices I made with these false assumptions were sinful.

It's deception.....satans greatest tool.


Why do/did I do this? Because false assumptions are easier for me sometimes than searching out the real facts. Searching out facts takes courage. It often requires me to admit I'm not happy happy happy....that you have needs and desires that aren't getting met.....that I am hurting hurt.....that I don't have the answers. All stuff I don't like admitting to myself, let alone others.

I still sin. I still battle with my pride and arrogance. But I am learning the value of living in the spirit God gave me.

Authentic fellowship is so important.

As I learn to authentically engage myself and others I am finding truths, and the search for truth, to not be as scary as I once assumed.

Keep the faith. God is certainly with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:53 AM, April 24th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, April 24th (Friday)

((crushedinpa))

So glad the visit went well. The sickness of a loved one, when riding the roller-coaster adds so much extra stress and at least for me areas for Satan to attack in.

You guys are in my prays and thank you so much for your prays.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
hihn
Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 26th (Sunday)

WHAT I KNOW ABOUT COURAGE, STRENGTH AND WISDOM

IT TAKES STRENGTH & COURAGE TO CONTINUE TO BELIEVE THAT JESUS CHRIST IS THE SON OF GOD, WHOM I HAVE ONLY HEARD OF AND NEVER SEEN. I HAVE BEEN MOCKED AND RIDICULED BY STRANGERS, COWORKERS, AND EVEN SOME LOVED ONES FOR BELIEVING IN HIM. YET, I STILL BELIEVE IN HIM AND REFUSE TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE.

I KNOW IT HAS TAKEN COURAGE, STENGTH, AND WISDOM WHEN I HAVE CHOSEN TO FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO HAS WRONGED ME. I KNOW IT HAS TAKEN COURAGE, STENGTH, AND WISDOM TO TURN MY OTHER CHEEK WHEN SOMEONE HAS SLAPPED IT. I KNOW IT HAS TAKEN COURAGE, STENGTH, AND WISDOM TO GIVE TO OTHERS, EXPECTING NOTHING IN RETURN. IT TAKES ALL MY COURAGE, STRENGTH AND WISDOM IN ORDER TO DO THOSE THINGS. ANYONE WHO HAS DONE THEM KNOWS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

I KNOW THAT IT WAS WHEN I HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO FORGIVE, NOT TO TURN THE OTHER CHEEK, NOT TO GIVE TO OTHERS THAT I FELT WEAK, COWARDLY, FOOLISH AND SELFISH.

IT IS THOSE WHO DO NOT CHOOSE TO FORGIVE WHEN ASKED FOR FORGIVENESS THAT ARE THE WEAK, FOOLISH, COWARDS. IT IS THOSE WHO DO NOT CHOOSE, WHEN SLAPPED ON THE CHEEK, NOT TO SLAP BACK. IT IS THOSE WHO DO NOT GIVE OF THEMSELVES TO OTHERS IN TIME SPENT, IN DEEDS, OR IN MONEY, THAT ARE THE WEAK, FOOLISH, COWARDS.

SO GO AHEAD WORLD CALL ME WHAT YOU WILL. YOU ARE WRONG. YOU SEE I HAVE DONE ALL OF THESE THINGS AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFE. MY EXPERIENCE SPEAKS VOLUMES TO ME!


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, April 26th (Sunday)

Hiln,

Yes, it does take courage - especially these days. Your acts are a witness of your faith. They do not make sense in the world's eyes. But in the world to come, they will be rewarded.

Hugs to you!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, April 27th (Monday)

Aaahhhh courage. To live with integrity takes courage. Sin is easy but destroys integrity.

Hihn, you mention being ridiculed. My faith is new but growing. It appears to me God promises we WILL be ridiculed and be picked on.

Man.....I need courage for the simplistic acts sometimes....like praying at a meal when atheist family members are present. I'm growing but still struggle.

Recently, I have started to understand we live in a broken world that is to remain broken until the second coming. Nothing we collectively do, no new President or new military weapon will "fix" this world.

This is a brand new way of living for me....authentically living.

It's tough.,...I have to admit and accept I have only self control, and that only goes so far. Spent decades believing otherwise....all the while denying reality through CoD choices and other "reality numbing" choices.

God gives us a spirit of power, love and self discipline. I have only started taking into His spirit to harness that power, to live in new-to-me ways and to have the courage to self-discipline. That takes courage because to "be still" does not come naturally to me. When I am still I face reality, and all the pain that comes with it as I face the truth.

The ridicule we endure? Often times that comes from folks who still embrace some seriously jacked coping skills. As I think of those who are strongest in doing this, these are folks who embrace lies that I used to....that by controlling others you can control your world.

It took my wife's affair and subsequent choices for me to finally see the truth.

I haven't got this all figured out....and that is exactly where God wants me. For 30 years I thought I had it all figured out.....I know better now and therefore I can choose to do better.

Peace


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 28th (Tuesday)

Thank you Hihn, that was well put and is a problem with me right now. I can see the difference in my posts since I started this journey and it is difficult to respond to other posts without commenting on leaving it in God's hands for certain issues. I tend to only really get that way with posters that state they are Christians.

Man.....I need courage for the simplistic acts sometimes....like praying at a meal when atheist family members are present. I'm growing but still struggle.

I know how that feels. My husband is agnostic and I just wonder what he thinks about me healing and giving forgiveness mostly due to my faith and not as much about just his journey in all this. Don't get me wrong, he has done a lot but the truth of the matter I wonder if I would have stayed if it wasn't for my faith.

The other night I had a horrible dream that my husband had died in a work accident when the roof collapsed (I am sure it was due to the earthquake) any how I remember in the dream and even for hours after how distraught I was to lose him (even for a dream). That I would never see him or speak with him again. I was easily brought to tears for a dream loss. Then I realized what the loss was. He isn't saved and if he dies, he will not be there with his family in the after life. It has left me so dismayed in the last several days that I almost feel why should I bother to get further emotionally involved into this man. Then I need to remind myself of Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.


Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, April 28th (Tuesday)

A friend on SI reminded me of this awesome song today. I want to share it with you in hopes that it will bless you as it did me:

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But im too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left


This is a portion of a song called "I'm Worn", by Tenth Avenue North.

Imworn, I have to ask you: did this song inspire your "name" on this site? Or was that just a coincidence? Anyway, I pray for peace for you all. Now and always.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
imworn
New Member
Member # 47131
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, April 30th (Thursday)

needsfriendshere: Yes! That is exactly where my "name" came from. I mentioned it in my original post, but that post was so long, I'm sure it was easily missed.

Sorry it has been so long since I posted. My laptop died , but I am now up and running again !

Even though I have not been on these boards I have continued to pray for all of you daily.

My husband has still not returned home (almost 4 weeks now), but that is not necessarily a bad thing. He came over Monday while our Son was at school so that we could talk. He said he wanted to come back home, then proceeded to give me a list of his demands to do so (which was basically for him to come and go as he pleases)!! Apparently he still sees himself as the prize that I must work to obtain. I was so proud of my codependent self as I stuck to my boundaries. God provided me with calm confidence in who I am in Him, and I felt so good about the way I handled myself. I have prayed for indifference and I literally feel like the LORD granted me that. It was like a switch flipped and immediately I knew my Son and I were going to be absolutely fine, and my emotional attachment to my Husband seems to have almost completely dissipated! Its actually much easier for me to deal with him now. I don't get as angry or frustrated with his comments and behavior and the greatest gift of all is that I'm not constantly wondering where he is or what he is doing, hoping he will text or call etc. I am feeling the most content in Christ that I have maybe in my entire life. I know I'm in God's will and it's completely peaceful and joyful! Thank you all so very much for your prayers for discernment for me. I know they were heard!! I am CONTENTLY waiting for God's direction. I have been waiting for a long time, but unfortunately not contently!! This contentment is truly a blessing! Thank you Jesus!!


Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2015
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, April 30th (Thursday)

imworn

I was so proud of my codependent self as I stuck to my boundaries.

Yes!!! Great to read this. I slipped with a boundary recently....got into that do do do mode but, like you, caught myself! It feels strange....but GREAT!!!!!

sorry to hear you husband still holds strong to his false beliefs.....true R and mature intimacy will remain out of reach until he chooses to get real.

Read my devotional today.....here is an excerpt and it ties directly into my old CoD ways of doing life, including marriage.

. Running in high gear keeps us from being contemplative. And it keeps us from connecting. It keeps us from thoughts and feelings we want to avoid.

Busyness is the enemy of spirituality. It is essentially laziness. It is doing the easy thing instead of the hard thing. It is filling our time with our own actions instead of paying attention to God’s actions.

How many of us, in our pre-A M, kept up the "do do do" pace for fear that if we ever stopped our spouse would NOT engage....and we would be abandoned?

Look how well that turned out for us all? For me, I had to come to the complete end of myself before I went about seeing real truths and was able to give up my false belief on what I needed to do to maintain my relationships.

God didn't cause this trial to enter my life, my wife used her free will to invite it into it. BUT, He will not let it pass without giving me an opportunity to grow from it.


Its an odd thing in my mind to associate "being still" with growing. I have spent decades believing the lie that if I just do more I will get more (love, safety, comfort, protection)! Thats not how God designed this, but it is how my childhood programmed me to think.

Here's to being still when your spouse chooses to do the same thing they have always done in hopes you to get you to do do do.

Well done imworn.....God is well pleased as you learn to be obedient to Him and choose to tap into His spirit as you let yours die.

Remember, he gives us a spirit of power, love and self control. You just did a powerful, loving, self-controlled act. Its even loving to your husband...though you may still think it cruel or abusive, but don't believe that lie any longer.

Will it change your husband? Not your worry, that is for God to do. You have spoken truth with grace and mercy. Its up to your husband to handle that truth or continue to deny it.

How much energy did I waste over the years.....and that was my own choice. My wife didn't demand that of me, I did it by my own free will. emphasis on "own".

Grace and mercy on us all. We simply couldn't choose what we didn't know.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, April 30th (Thursday)

Imworn,

I am feeling the most content in Christ that I have maybe in my entire life. I know I'm in God's will and it's completely peaceful and joyful!

This is wonderful news! I am so happy for you. God is so good.
You know, I think I DO remember that you mentioned the song in your original post. I knew SOMEONE had. It's a perfect name for a person on this site and in this thread!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
imworn
New Member
Member # 47131
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, April 30th (Thursday)

blakesteele:

Here's to being still when your spouse chooses to do the same thing they have always done in hopes you to get you to do do do.

Interesting you should say this. I think for the first time I didn't take that bait, and my WH was completely dumbfounded by it!! Our conversation concluded because for once I wasn't pulled in emotionally. I just matter-of-factly stated my boundaries hadn't changed.

He isn't ready to accept them, so there was nothing further to discuss. YAY! for not slipping back into my mode of trying to negotiate!! What leads me to believe WH was dumbfounded is he just sat there in silence. He didn't leave, he didn't continue talking (he usually never had to because I would either give in, start negotiating, or have an emotional meltdown!), he just sat in front of me in silence for a good 45 minutes or so. It was like he was wondering "well, what in the heck do I do now, this isn't what I was expecting, I figured I would be moving back in now, this is not the outcome I wanted but I don't know how to get that outcome, my typical manipulation tactics have failed me, what now?!" The only reason he ended up leaving when he did was he had an IC appointment.

As he sat in front of me in silence I had my Bible right next to me so I just picked it up and started reading. How refreshing it was to feel good about myself after one of our conversations instead of emotionally spent, out of control, or terribly disappointed in myself for once again foregoing my boundaries. For once I did not allow the devil to bait me with my hurt & emotions. I felt so triumphant in Christ!!


Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2015
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, May 1st (Friday)

Well done imworn.

In my sitch this cycle was not really consciously chosen by either of us.....it was more like mutually agreed to?

It takes two to engage in a relationship but only one to change it.

Your husband hasn't accepted that he needs to change yet.....BUT he did stay present for 45 minutes and did go to IC. This is a good sign. "Checking out" is a counter dependent state of being chosen by him but the more you committ to healthier choices the less this destructive cycle will get fed....the cycle will die.

Now, the M could die with it. We married who we married. The seeds for this pattern were in each of us and we all fed them. Nope, not responsible for the spouses choices to have an affair.....but we did make choices that fell short of Gods idea of a healthy M.

We all have today to learn and choose better.

Sometimes the most loving things are some of the most painful things. To heal from pain you must feel the pain.

Did a part of you still hurt as you chose better choices?

Peace


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, May 1st (Friday)

Blakesteele and Imworn,

I hope you don't mind if I jump in here. Blake, you asked if a part of Imworn still hurt as she made better choices.

Well, I am beyond hurt and am hoping it's a good thing. Last night H made the odd remark that I don't cry anymore when anything A-related comes up. I shared a conversation a girlfriend and I had yesterday about it (OW had contacted her in one of her futile attempts to break H and Me up) and was completely dispassionate about it. It was very strange because H looked worried and sad. Like I didn't care anymore.

The truth is that I really don't these days. I have finally come to a place of peace, which I have prayed for every day since Dday. But with that peace, there is an "I simply don't care anymore attitude". For months, all the TT would throw me into a whirlwind of very negative emotions - depression, anger, bitterness, and fear. They are all gone. But they have been replaced with nothing (except for "knowing" I love him) - toward H. And extreme love and gratitude toward God. I feel a closeness to Him like I've never felt before.

Is there anything wrong with how I feel toward H? I appreciate your feedback and pray you are doing well.

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 8:52 AM, May 1st (Friday)]


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
imworn
New Member
Member # 47131
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 1st (Friday)

blakesteele: This time I felt no hurt, only relief that for once I wasn't left feeling bad about myself afterwards. Before I could never seem to stick to my boundaries, because that felt selfish to me. I think what played a big part in changing me was reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" which is talked about so frequently on these boards. I am the female version of that and as I read it realized my Dad is the epitome of the nice guy. I love and admire my Dad so very much, and with my father as my example of a Husband, I believed if I just treated my Husband well (the opposite of the way my Mother treated my Dad) my marriage would be blissful. Now the part that really got to me while reading the book.... I was completely grooming my precious 12 year old Son to be a nice guy!!! I do not want this for him!!!!! His entire life to this point I have taught him we walk on eggshells to please Daddy. What a miserable existence!! He is however, at the age now where he is trying to find his own voice and personality and he is strong enough to no longer want to live that way!! I am so proud of him and he is much stronger than me. But the realization that this situation is not a good one for him, really woke me up. Prior I always thought it is always best to have a child be with his Father no matter what! I felt like I would be selfish to leave and do this to my Son. But God changed my heart on that and for that I am grateful!! I of course have still not chose to leave, I have only chose to enforce my boundaries, for the sake of myself and my Son. I don't think I could have done this soley for myself, as again I would have felt too selfish, but the realization that it was best for my Son as well, gave me the strength I so desperately needed.

I may hurt over the loss of the life I wanted us to have, but I realize I lose absolutely nothing with the loss of my Husband. He was a serial cheater who threw away the special gift of being each others' onlys on any bar fly who would spread their legs within minutes of meeting him. That hurt unbelievably, but I know I am more valuable than that and I need a man who realizes that or I'm better off single. To be honest, I'm really not sure I can ever get over what he has done. Although I fully believe Christ can do anything & change my heart if it be His will, but that is the ONLY way I see it happening. I don't get the option of being someone who was cheated on once and they say if it ever happens again, I'm out of here. Well, by the time I found out, there had been another, and another, and another. So many WH cant even give an accurate count. It is devastating to know how easily I was thrown away over and over again, and who even wants someone who thinks so little of themself, their wife, their child, their marriage and their family. I really lose nothing if my WH leaves. Nothing. He was never a kind and loving Father or Husband, the kindest thing I can say at this point is he was a good financial provider (of course when he left for a summer to be with the last OW, he took that away as well), but if we divorce my Son and I will be fine financially. Looking at it on paper, there is absolutely no reason I should want to reconcile, which is either a testament to following God's will or just shows I'm as crazy as my WH!!

Needfriendshere: I do not see the indifference you are feeling towards your WH now as a bad thing at all!!! You say you are feeling a closeness to God that you have never felt before. I am feeling exactly the same as you towards my WH and God, and to me that means I have finally laid down my WH as the ultimate idol in my life, and put God in that position, where he always should have been!! If you are feeling fulfilled by God that is never a bad thing!! Overjoyed to hear you are feeling this way!!! Prayers are being answered and priorities are being changed to what they always should have been!! Amen!!!!


Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2015
imworn
New Member
Member # 47131
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, May 2nd (Saturday)

I was reading 1 Peter tonight and verses 5:6-10 seem particularly applicable to those of us on this thread. I hope you all find it as encouraging as I do.
1 Peter 5:6-10 (NIV)
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."

Prayers, love & hope to you all!


Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2015
imworn
New Member
Member # 47131
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, May 2nd (Saturday)

Just re read my post prior to the Peter one.

It did not sound very Christ like. I'm sorry I wrote it that way & sorry if I turned anyone off by it. Also I apologize for the length. I need to remember this journey is not about focusing on me but instead focusing on Christ! Please forgive me as I lost sight of that.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2015
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, May 2nd (Saturday)

Cool....thanks for replying.

I'm a bit "there" with the affair pain too....it is freeing.

The "hurt" I was inquiring about is the pain of making new choices on how to do life.

At work right now I am feeling significant "pain" as I interact with my colleagues.....one specifically but she has the ear of the CEO and can generate "emergencies" where none exist.

Do to the dynamics that were established in the previous 9 years, I have got the reputation of being a "go to" guy. I applaud your efforts to NOT raise a "Mr Nice Guy"....they are all too common and dishonest.

As I work to change my relationships change. It still doesn't feel normal to have these boundaries, to honestly express that I have physical, emotional and spiritual needs and trust that those I express it to WONT hurt me with it......and, even bigger than that, trust that MY needs are worth seeking to get met in honest ways.

Anyway.....as I refuse to "act like I did" and choose to live authentically....well, it just causes tension.

But, like ImWorn states, it ultimately produces right fruit.

This female colleague literally sat there in awkward silence for almost a minute when I wouldn't do do do as I have in the past.....choosing instead to let her choose to either honestly state what she was after/seeking or remain quiet. She chose the latter.

In a subsequent meeting it ended the same way.

I choose to call her bluff as I sincerely didn't know what she was seeking. "This is the second meeting you called in 24 hours. I'm leaving this one like I left the last one....unclear what this meeting was about. The awkward silence leads me to believe something is being left unsaid. Can you clarify what we have been meeting about please?" Turns out she has this whole insecurity thing going on inside her and was, in her words, "fishing" for what I knew about it.......

All that tension could have been avoided had she come to me and honestly engaged me, rather than try to manipulate me.

And that's the essence of dishonest living, of which I see now I have been guilty of (and can still do).

I dont have all the answers....and an just now learning I don't have to have ALL the answers before I choose the right ones I have in front of me, right now in the present.

And then have faith I will have discernment after that to choose rightly again....and experience grace and mercy when I and those around me stumble again.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:22 AM, May 2nd (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, May 2nd (Saturday)

And that pretty well incapsukates how I thought I needed to do relationships....jump before asked to, tend to all desires even if the person I tended to should do it for themselves, allowing another person to remain confirtable while I doubled my inputs, etc.

Learning to live in the spirit God gives us all is what we are called to do. I can't tell you how many ways my own perspective warped His instructions (those that I knew) and my own pain, prides and arrogance kept me from growing.


Well.....sufficient pain is present to spur me to grow now!!!!

Might very well be a job change is in order....or maybe I'm the catalyst God may use to get others at work to grow?

Alls I know is that as I learn better I can choose to do better.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, May 2nd (Saturday)

Imworn and Blakesteele,

I can't tell you how much your last posts have meant to me. Both of you.

First, Imworn, thank you for helping me to see that we are in a good place regarding how we feel toward our FWH's now. Especially in light of the fact that we have both drawn so much closer to God in the process. That, in and of itself, has been pretty miraculous.

And Blakesteele, I used to be exactly like you when it came to my work and even certain relationships. I always did did did to the point where people took advantage of me and where even H complained (many times) that I didn't need to bend over backwards for everyone. He watched fir years as I was the worn out rug everyone stepped on.

Like you, though, I have changed a lot since Dday. In my case, I was a people-pleaser. Now I have learned how people will let you down - even (or especially) those you have expended the most energy on (Put not your trust in princes and sons of men in whom there is no salvation). Now I can honestly say that my first love is God my Savior. And that has been so liberating. It doesn't mean that I have become self-centered either. Quite the opposite really. But now when I do things for others, it is coming from a better, more mature place. And, when necessary, I have learned to say no to man so I have more energy for God and for those he has truly put under my care.

Thank you, Blake, for helping me to see and understand that.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)

You're welcome.

I'm still trying to work on the "taking advantage of me" part.

Yes....sometimes that happened in a very intentional way (especially at work as my colleague used me to carry her load quite intentionally). But sometimes this was not nearly as sinister. Like others, my wife didn't ask me to do do do....and actually told me to "stop" occasionally. In my M I think it was more or less an unspoken agreement. I wouldn't have to wait to be engaged and my wife didn't have to engage.....like or brokenness/fears worked "okay" together. We had similar fears, but responded to them in different but highly compatible ways.

I understand how our back-story set us up for this. When we were kids and had no choice but to be dependent on others (our parents) they hurt us/failed us. In my case CSA occurrred. So I denied I had needs.....I believed I didn't have needs. But that was a lie....and I went about satisfying those needs in very covert ways.

Understanding is NOT excusing. Now that I understand more, and realizing I was abused as a child I can choose new choices. This my IC work on CSA.

You mention this new way of living is NOT selfish. Totally agree as does my IC. Recognizing and putting ones needs out there in honest authentic ways is not "needy" at all....it is healthy. CoD is a very dishonest way of living....though I never considered myself dishonest in my pre-A M.

I hid my needs from my wife....she hid hers from me. By doing so we denied the other the chance to help us get our needs met and kept us from ever experiencing the mature intimacy we both (all of us) are hard wired to get.

It's no more selfish than drinking water when we are thirsty.

It's good to sip the truth! Even this one homework assignment from my IC has me feeling better. This thread is consistent with what I am learning and doing too!

I know we are all imperfect and will hurt our children. But one of the strongest things we are to do with our children is to instill in them is a sense of trust. Trust of us and trust of themselves.

Trust is the building block of relationships.


For me....right now.....I'm having to destroy my old false-belief system and install one that is founded in facts and truth-based. Ugh.....the lies my parents told and showed me that I have held onto for 30 years.

This is why I don't want to confront Mom on my abuse. I really think she probably thought her and Dads choice were not abusive. The advice given was the truth.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4679 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)

Blakesteele,
You said:
my wife didn't ask me to do do do....and actually told me to "stop" occasionally

I realize now that I stretched myself so thin that I made my H feel neglected. He is one of the ones I refer to when I say that I now have more time for those God has truly put under my care. I'm not saying that my H was right to do what he did. God forbid! But I realize how very needy my H is and I do not want him to ever even be tempted to stray again because he feels "I don't have the time or energy for him". Now, if he were to stray, I would know I must let him go and give him over to his sin, since there would be nothing else I can do.

Like you said, understanding is not excusing (or condoning).

And this new way of living DOES involve sipping of the truth. With God's help, I am seeing both H and myself more "truthfully".

I am really sorry about the abuse you suffered in your childhood. God can heal those wounds too, as you know. You have come a long way even since I have "known" you.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 647 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 549