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User Topic: When Your WS Works with the Affair Person - Part 2
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Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)


Posts: 10001 | Registered: May 2002
abettermarriage
New Member
Member # 27442
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, February 5th (Friday)

Glad to see this back...

My FWH has an EA with a co-worker for about 2 months last Spring. It was all based at his work, on breaks and lots of texting. He has had NC since Mid June, except for any work related activities, which seemed to have dropped off (he says they created alot of reasons to work together before). We have looked for other jobs, but it is impossible right now in this market to find anything. At first, he wasn't THAT motivated to leave. FOG. Now, he says, at least once a week, he'd like to leave. Not because of her, neccessarily, but because he doesn't love his job. He hardly sees her at all and gets infrequent work related e-mails. He tells me about any sightings or e-mails immediately. BUT, it is still the hardest part of the R. I was blindsided before, why couldn't it happen again? That fear is what depresses me about once a month now (used to be once a week, getting better).

Anyone have any encouragment for us dealing with S working with the AP?

Thanks!


BS, Me: Late 30’s
FWH: 40’s
Married 12 years, together 20
2 Kids
DDay 1: May 11th 2009
DDay 2: June 21st 2009 (NC broken)
Working it out…we are pretty happy

Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2010
srb1608
Member
Member # 19477
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, February 5th (Friday)

Currently dealing with this too. He was OW and a shift of 20's superior. He resigned that position so he wouldnt have to talk to her at all, but is still on the production line. She broke NC just last night to "apologize" for making fun of him behind his back for goind to church now and reading his bible at work. (real classy) It was only an excuse to contact him. He immediately called me and i immediately called her to let her know he told me and to again NOT CONTACT HIM AT ALL! And hung up without allowing her the chance to talk to me about it. I didnt accomplish much other than to let her know he told me and wasnt hiding her anymore.

He is up for a shift swap but it cant happen overnight so we are waiting as patiently as we can.

This makes for a very hard time for us BS. Right now h is making good choices as he is heavy into church and counseling. Has an accountability buddy at work who is a good christian man willing to help him and answer any questions i may have. But i too fear that one day something will change.

This sucks so bad! But just like everyone else. If they are gonna go back to their old ways they will. They must be strong enough and be accountable anywhere.

Hang in there!
Maybe someone will be along to help us out!


BS- me 37
WS -him 37
Married 13 years

Posts: 2220 | Registered: May 2008
sick_of_the_lies
Member
Member # 26961
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, February 5th (Friday)

I have no advice to offer, just sympathy. My WH works with his AP, as well, and it sucks. He does not tell me about contact, though, I just keep managing to catch him in lies, or he forgets to delete emails. Even if he has finally stopped contacting her (which he claims, for the hundredth time), I think this will be a problem for us no matter where he works. He will always flirt with female coworkers, and I imagine this won't be the only time he goes too far. Short of working with him, though, there's not much I can do, other than monitor his contact with female co-workers. He's currently having what I would consider too much contact with another one, so I suppose I'll have to address that with him as well.

Has anyone ever dealt with a WS who consistently engages in affairs or inappropriate conduct at work?


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2009
blondegirl
New Member
Member # 27388
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, February 7th (Sunday)

One year into their affair, other woman took a job in my husband's area of the hospital where he works. It is a small building apart from the hospital and requires them to work out of town at least once a week. She initially worked part time. Right before Christmas she took a full time position there. We were 9 months in to R. and thins were going well. He cannot afford to leave. Now I am thinking of leaving, because I can't imagine dealing with her in our lives for the next twenty years. He says it shouldn't matter to me, but it does!


M -31 year
Admitted to EA 1/16/09
D-Day 3/30/09

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2010
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Frustrated  Posted: 11:31 PM, February 7th (Sunday)

ok have not posted here in awhile ... which is good I guess ...

But tonight after the super bowl was over and I was watching Drew Brees with his son ... and he was crying and then he teared up again when he mentioned him in his speech ...

triggered me onto the roller coaster again ... just WHAM out of the blue and there I was falling into sadness ...

that is all I ever wanted in my life was what was shining in Brees's eyes holding his son ... guess I hopes for wanted to much in my life ....

now I feel like I have to settle for school ... which I am excited for and a little nervous now ... I start in a week ...

but I all ever wanted was to be a mommy and have a man who loved me and my children ... just the simple things ... and seeing him with his son hearing him talk about him with pride and love in his voice ...

just brought it all crashing down that that shall never be for me ...

and it hurts so badly ...

So last week on Thursday I believe stbx called me to talk about taxes and this was during the storm when we had no power for a week ... anyway he caught me off gaurd calling me and I wound up sobbing on the phone when we hung up ...

not what I wanted to do was to have him hear me like that anymore ... UGH !!!!

anyway he called me yesterday morning also to get my new address so he could ssend me my 1/2 and I did not cry that time ...

both conversations were very short and to the point no chit chat ... both calls were less than 10 minutes ... kept strictly to $$$ and dogs ... so that was good ...

anyway just an update on where I am at ...

hope you all are doing well and may you all find the peace and balance your lives deserve ....

have a great Monday !!!!

and YAY SAINTS !!!!!

just thought I would put all the faces at the end this time ... I don't know why ... to be different ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, February 9th (Tuesday)

Hi all. Things are still ok here, they still work together, and my W and I are both doing are best to deal with it. If everything is going well in my world, I hardly react to when she tells me she had to deal with him on any given day.

But we all know those times don't happen often enough. My anger management skills need work.

Take care everyone.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
abettermarriage
New Member
Member # 27442
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, February 10th (Wednesday)

People can do this, right? I know co-workers who were together (maybe not "A"s) and broke up and still work together. They've moved on, gotten married, gotten over the SO. I have to beleive it CAN happen. However, last night my husband did say he "seriously" is going to start looking elsewhere for employment. GOOD NEWS! Happy Day...let's see how long it takes....
Is that light at the end of the tunnel??


BS, Me: Late 30’s
FWH: 40’s
Married 12 years, together 20
2 Kids
DDay 1: May 11th 2009
DDay 2: June 21st 2009 (NC broken)
Working it out…we are pretty happy

Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2010
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, February 10th (Wednesday)

abm, It can be done.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, February 16th (Tuesday)

My WS worked with both OW. I told him I wanted him to work with them. If he wanted them he could have them. He got a different job. It took awhile but it happened.
I think a work A is the hardest to deal with. They get them longer during the day then we BS do at home. KWIM?? But what do I have to compare with?
Anywho good luck. And just think if they choose the OW or the OP so be it. You will be better off and the sooner the better. Quit wasting your time. That is what I told my WS.
Just remember you will survive and stay strong.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3141 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 19th (Friday)

GAH !!!

just felt better to say that ... nothing new to report ...

started school on tuesday and it was all orenitation stuff ... real school starts on this Monday ...

also posted in O/T bout my new study nest

and I posted in D/S about going to hiring a lawyer ...

very scary ...

Don't know how much longer they are going to work together ... as stbxwh is done with his school for parole and has applied to the state of CO to get into the pool ...

he says he is going to wait on a position to open up in his home town ... ya know so he can stay near her

she will continue to work for the prison ... also a state agency least they won't be under the same roof ... at some point in the future ... but will still remain together ...

anyway that is it for me ...
hope ya'll are doing well ...

hugs to all


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
fourtimesthefool
Member
Member # 27625
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, February 22nd (Monday)

My WH works for the DOC. So does the the OW. She works in one wing and he is in another. I think they have had NC since I confronted both of them except what they have to for work. But I still have a hard time dealing with knowing that he is spending more time at work with her then with me. I have no way of knowing if they are staying away from each other at work since he said that no one at work knows of there secret friendship. At least not that anyone has told me. Please advise as to handle this.


Fourtimesthefool
BS - me
WH - him
DDay - Feb 8, 2010
Child - 9

Posts: 74 | Registered: Feb 2010
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, February 22nd (Monday)

fourtimesthefool: He needs to make you feel comfortable with their working together. Is he being transparent with you? Does he have a work email that he could give you access to? (I realize this may be difficult in a DOC situation--my stbxwh is DOC also and all three OW have been coworkers.)

If you both are trying to R (not just you), you need to work together to set up a system for you to feel comfortable with his work environment. You say that no one has mentioned anything to you--do you have friends where he works? There are ways around this, and there are ways to check up on him; after you have made 50 posts, you will be have access to the Investigative threads. You may want to look into keyloggers, voice-activated recorders (VARs) etc. Good luck and keep posting.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19187 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
flygirl96
Member
Member # 22954
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, February 22nd (Monday)

hi guys! My FWH also works with the whore. Well, she works downstairs and he is upstairs in the gym. I hate her and hate that she left and then came back after being gone 10 months. I feel like she came back thinking they could resume where they left off but much to her surprise he stays away and maintains NC I hope. I just hope he really sees her for what she is. I always wonder if he has any feelings at all for her. I ask and he says no but he lied about her for so long it makes you always wonder.

Thinking of you all.

[This message edited by flygirl96 at 4:07 PM, February 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 340 | Registered: Feb 2009
inabadway
Member
Member # 27636
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday)

Mine works with her but on different projects. I've asked him to find another job. He's just finished his resume (dday was 3 weeks ago). He better apply to some jobs this week or I'll take that as a sign that he is lying about wanting to work things out.


Me - 37
WS - 39
2 kids
D-Day 2/7/10
He wants to work it out (of course he does)...but do I?

Posts: 246 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: The Middle
WHavoids
Member
Member # 26847
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday)

Howdy. Unfortunately I should have joined this thread back on DDay. I guess there has been too much other sh*t to deal with, the work situation seemed to be last on my list.

Anyway, I posted in R last week about my FWH having yet another epiphany, asking to try to R again: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=341409. He's stuck with this latest epiphany for over a week. I'm afraid though that I've hit the point of no return. It seems like the mind movies from just after DDay have come back full-force, and I feel paralyzed about moving forward whether it's D or R.

If I chose to work toward R, I know I'll need to lay out my boundaries specifically for my FWH. I keep going back to the work situation and wondering what will be too much for me to deal with. He works with the OW, who is dating someone else and apparently couldn't care less about him, but it just bothers me to no end that they're so close to each other each day. He is an engineer and she is in marketing, so they don't really have to work together. But his office is near the break room so he hears everyone who goes in and out of it. And right before his latest epiphany, he was texting a buddy about how this woman was "ideal" and how he couldn't "get over her." He says now that he only thinks of her when we are bad, but of course I can't really believe anything he says....

Argh. I guess I'm just venting. This whole thing just sucks. Sometimes I realize that this is my life...this isn't a dream...


me BS 29
him FWH 32
together 10 years
married 4 years
d day 09/10/09
DIVORCED

Posts: 139 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: NC
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday)

He better apply to some jobs this week

iabw, I hope he does, it sounds like it would be a big step for the both of you.

WHa, sounds like you are trying too hard. Does he understand what NC in the workplace involves?I think my W still has problems with this. I know she is trying to achieve it.

Do you think he could achieve NC with his ap?


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Drk.8
Member
Member # 26950
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday)


Finding a new job wouldn’t make any difference in my sitch, WH would still call (or email) the OW from his new place like he did when he was out of town on a business trip.


Me-BS-38, him-WH-40
Married 13+ yrs, together 17 yrs
Perfect 10 yr-old son
DD#1-6/5/09, DD#2-7/8/09, DD#3-12/18/09
Divorcing

Posts: 104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: US
WHavoids
Member
Member # 26847
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, February 24th (Wednesday)

Drk.8, this is my fear:

Finding a new job wouldn’t make any difference in my sitch, WH would still call (or email) the OW from his new place like he did when he was out of town on a business trip.

Part of me thinks there is no use in worrying whether they work together because of this - if they want each other they'll get each other.


sounds like you are trying too hard

Dirk Pitt, thanks for the insight. Would you mind elaborating, though, particularly since you're a BS yourself?


me BS 29
him FWH 32
together 10 years
married 4 years
d day 09/10/09
DIVORCED

Posts: 139 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: NC
reset button
Member
Member # 27659
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, February 25th (Thursday)

My WW had a 9 mo. EA/PA with her boss. She works very closely with him and traveled often with him (that's part of how this mess happened).

After a couple of trickle DDays a couple months back (only admitting EA), a week ago she came 100% clean on the length and extent of the 9 mos. EA/PA (much worse than I ever expected)

She also established NC last Thursday except only business related discussion and she started IC this week. She has been honest about their interaction, saying that they did kiss again Friday after she tried to fight him off a couple of times but couldn't hold off her emotion.

This week had been good according to her (only limited business discussion), but when she came home today she said she talked with him on a personal level about his family for a couple of minutes.

I am so happy she is being honest with me, but it hurts so bad. I don't see anyway R can happen without her changing jobs. She is incredibly successful in her career, and it's probably the only thing she can be proud of right now.

I truly believe she is trying her best, but she admitted she still loves him. She said, though she knows it's wrong and she wants to do the right thing to start healing herself. I truly believe her, but I don't think she will be strong enough.

So my questions:
1) Is there really anyway to start R if he is still in her day to day life at work?

2) How do I deal with rewarding her honesty, when what she tells me makes me want to

3) Has your WS ever tried to work with the AP for a while before finally resigning to the fact that it can't happen?

I think she's made huge strides, but since the affair didn't end a natural death (I busted her and told her I was leaving) I don't think there is a future.


Me: BH (30)
Her: WW (29)
AP: Her 42 yr old boss
9 Mos. EA/PA
Married: 3 yrs
Together: 7 yrs

DDay 1: 11/21/09 (ILYBINILWY)
DDay 2: 2/18/10 - Full disclosure of EA/PA

Divorced (my choice) 10/8/10


Posts: 60 | Registered: Feb 2010
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, February 25th (Thursday)

WH I mean that. Do you feel that he is trying to R.

Yout last comment was you were just venting.

If you feel he is trying to R, then you have a chance. If you don't, then you don't.

Ask him what he wants, and go from there.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, February 25th (Thursday)

that they did kiss again Friday after she tried to fight him off a couple of times

My W never told me of something like that happening. If she did, then the op would be hurt, and I would be in trouble.

But you have to protect what is yours.

My kids belong to us, so therefore I would have to protect her.

Heaven Help The Fool


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
reset button
Member
Member # 27659
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, February 25th (Thursday)

Don't think this doesn't go through my mind. I'm a big strong guy, and honestly would have no problem doing a number on him.

But, I also have to realize, that would only land me in jail, push my WW away, and punish her for her honesty.

That's what is so incredibly hard. It's so messed up what the BS has to deal with if they want to recover. I'm supposed to reward her for her honesty in that situation, yet she still did it

The said state of the matter is he's basically willing to leave his family. He's in love. I think my WW is too, but also has some conscious realization of the fantasyland the relationship resides in. I don't see him stopping his pursuit of her.

[This message edited by reset button at 9:48 PM, February 25th (Thursday)]


Me: BH (30)
Her: WW (29)
AP: Her 42 yr old boss
9 Mos. EA/PA
Married: 3 yrs
Together: 7 yrs

DDay 1: 11/21/09 (ILYBINILWY)
DDay 2: 2/18/10 - Full disclosure of EA/PA

Divorced (my choice) 10/8/10


Posts: 60 | Registered: Feb 2010
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, February 25th (Thursday)

Don't think this doesn't go through my mind. I'm a big strong guy

Being big and strong has nothing to do with it. You know, He knows. He loses.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
WHavoids
Member
Member # 26847
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, March 3rd (Wednesday)

dirk pitt, my FWS was trying to R. He signed us up and drove us an hour (at my suggestion) to a Chapman/"Marriage You've Always Wanted" conference the weekend before last, and consistently comforted me while I cried. This all only lasted about a week and a half, though...

He felt like I was "pushing" him last week by asking why he wouldn't consider seeking a new job. This was after I learned he had been lusting after the OW in the weeks before his latest epiphany. I looked at his phone and saw multiple text messages to a friend of his where he referred to her as "ideal," and compared their relationship to the Johnny Cash/June Carter Cash relationship - he said that they couldn't be together now, but would in the future when it was safe.

So I lay out my boundaries that night:

1. Look for another job.
2. Complete transparency, including all passwords.
3. Attend MC again.

He got upset, asked for a "time out," and then I didn't hear from him for 5 days. When I did hear from him he said he couldn't give me those things right now. I replied that unfortunately, I knew that would be the case, that I never before wanted to admit the marriage wouldn't survive. He e-mailed me his password later that day but said he would change it the next morning, so it was just "temporary" access. I said that temporary access did nothing to rebuild trust, that I needed continued validation. Then, he sent me this e-mail:

Trust is a two way street. I gave you access to my email before and you crapped all over it. You have also tried to access it without my permission. That is why you only get it for a little while. You can ask for it whenever you want, but Im not going to give you continual access to it until I trust you.

Just as you shouldnt expect me to do anything and everything until I can trust that we are going to be ok and that I wont feel like I get thrown under the bus every 5 minutes. I know you are hurt and that I have made mistakes, but I have been biting my tongue with you. You arent perfect either. The last 4-5 years have been a real struggle for me and I dont get any acknowledgement of that from you. All I hear is about the last 6 months and what a monster I am. We both had a hand in where things are at this moment, so dont act like this is all my fault. I couldnt even talk to you the last few years and if I did, I would get my head torn off. I should have raised my hand and said we have a problem here, but I kept thinking that I could ride it out, that I was being a good husband by trying to cope as best I could. Who thinks that their partner will be depressed for years on end. I thought an end would come at some point and that we would get back to normal. I see the error in my ways, but I get no validation of those times, the sacrifices I made for you: emotionally and financially. Propping you up when you would have bad days, telling you everything would be alright when it was dark days and then doing everything in my power to make it that way. Its like I did nothing right. It isnt fair, this revisionist history that you are writing. You want things on your terms and when I say I want my own terms acknowledged, I dont get a voice. Because I was wrong, I dont ever get a voice in what I want. I get so rattled by you when we talk and you get emotional, it tears me up and I cant even get words out to tell you what I feel bc of how upset and frustrated I am.

You couldnt give our marriage crap when you were depressed and I hung in there with you. You wanted to give more, but couldnt. Well thats where I am, Im not as depressed, but I can only give what I can give right now. So go ahead and quit, but I think its unfair to our entire history and narrowly only focusing on the recent history.

So am I trying too hard now? I believe I've never been truly comfortable again b/c I wasn't getting these things. If he had just said "I understand you're uncomfortable with my work situation, so I'll begin sending out resumes," I would've been happy with that response. But instead, I feel like his job is more important than our marriage...


me BS 29
him FWH 32
together 10 years
married 4 years
d day 09/10/09
DIVORCED

Posts: 139 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: NC
fourtimesthefool
Member
Member # 27625
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, March 3rd (Wednesday)

WHavoids,

I understand what you mean. My WH works with the OW. Last night he told me that he was going to ask to be transfered so that he didn't have to see her and have contact with her because he was tired of me being upset that they had to talk. Of course he knew that I would tell him that that is not what I want because he loves his job for the 1st time in 10 yrs. I love his schedule for the 1st time in 10 yrs.

I do not battle depression however he said that he knows that i have not been happy in our marriage in a long time. Which is true but I have tried to fix it and work it out not go and cheat on him.

I may be to blame for the problems in our marriage but he is to blame for the affair. I didn't make him turn to another woman instead of his wife.

I wish you the best of luck and pray that we find our way out of the hellious mess.

Fourtimesthefool


Fourtimesthefool
BS - me
WH - him
DDay - Feb 8, 2010
Child - 9

Posts: 74 | Registered: Feb 2010
sick_of_the_lies
Member
Member # 26961
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 4th (Thursday)

WHavoids,

I am so sorry he responded that way, it was not appropriate. It sounds like the crap my WH spouted for months, generally when he was back (still?) in contact.

He does not sound like he wants to reconcile, and I would strongly advise you not to settle for access to his email after being asked--it just gives him time to delete anything he wants before you get on. But the real question is, if this is his response, and what he is willing to do, will it be enough for you? If not, he needs to know that it won't cut it.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2009
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, March 4th (Thursday)

((WH))
Hi, the fact that they work together, just makes it harder. Sometimes I don't feel I'm up to it. I feel that it is too much for me to handle. I wonder why I am even trying.

The reason being, is I still love my Wife.

I should have raised my hand and said we have a problem here, but I kept thinking that I could ride it out, that I was being a good husband by trying to cope as best I could. Who thinks that their partner will be depressed for years on end. I thought an end would come at some point and that we would get back to normal. I see the error in my ways,

Funny your H should say that, I could say the exact same thing, but I didn't follow that path.

Not saying I am better than anyone, just older, and I have made huge mistakes in the past.

If you think you can, you will. But there would be no shame in telling him to take the door.

Good luck


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
abettermarriage
New Member
Member # 27442
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, March 5th (Friday)

I do think its important that the WS at least agrees that it would be a good idea to change jobs, even though it may not be possible. If they are adamant about NOT, at least, looking for a new job/transfer/location, then I would have an issue.

I have good news. My FWH found out yesterday that OW is moving her office 20 miles away! I posted on Reconciliation about my ambivalent feelings. I will still remain on this board, because, technically, they still work for the same company. They just won't see each other, hopefully, ever again.

But, I hope this move helps & heals us in our R. My FWH seems to think it will.


BS, Me: Late 30’s
FWH: 40’s
Married 12 years, together 20
2 Kids
DDay 1: May 11th 2009
DDay 2: June 21st 2009 (NC broken)
Working it out…we are pretty happy

Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2010
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, March 6th (Saturday)


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
abettermarriage
New Member
Member # 27442
Content  Posted: 1:14 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)

Well, interesting turn of events. As I posted last week, my FWH called me last week to let me know the good news about OW leaving his building. We talked about it that night and he and I were surprised I wasn’t happier. Felt a little better in the morning, but not how I thought I should feel.

We decided to leave early (we drive to work together, he works a mile from my office) last Friday afternoon and run some errands together before picking up the kids. He called me on his way to get me and said, “You won’t believe what just happened”. My heart sunk, and then he began to tell me.

Since OW work in the same office, sometimes, their jobs cross paths and they need to communicate. He admits during the EA last year, they made it so they worked closer together more than they had to. Since D-day 2, it all but ceased. Occasionally, she would shoot him and e-mail asking him strictly business questions and he would respond and that would be that. If he had a question for her division, he would ask someone else. So, Friday afternoon, he gets an e-mail asking him to come in to discuss another employee who works for FWH. He “says” he thought about calling me first, but he felt he could keep it together and do the professional thing and have this meeting. I was not hurt (surprisingly) that he didn’t call me. He went into her office and sat down. She proceeded to reprimand the employee in question and his groups work policies. He, in turn, defended the employee and his work. She raised her voice and said, in a condescending manner, “I guess I am wrong and you are right”. Kept raising her eyebrows, and shrugging. He said he was just PISSED. He tried to keep it civil and try to see it her way, but at times, she was flat out wrong and he didn’t want to budge. It kept getting heated. Nothing personal came up, but, deep down, we know this whole interaction was personal. He ended up storming out, saying “F-this”, only to remember that he was holding a tennis ball he picked up from the chair that was in her office! He says he wanted to throw it in her office, but he gently laid it down and walked out again. Meanwhile, OW was still talking loudly about herself to him as he walked away, “it must be ME… I must be wrong….your office does everything perfect….” Totally being a B*tch….

Fortunately, he was ending his day at that moment. He packed up and walked out. We drove around and he told me how mad he was at her. How happy he was that she was leaving in a few weeks. That he can be done with her and, hopefully, never see her again. Now THIS made me happy! I told him I was sorry he had to go through that, but this was a happy day. We talked soooo much that afternoon. That he can’t imagine what it would be like if he had left me for her, and then she showed her true colors, like she did that day. I truly think last Friday my FWH finally came fully out of any lingering FOG. Halleluiah!
We are approaching the 1 year anti-versary of when this all began, and ended. I am feeling better than I have in YEARS about my marriage. I know one year from D-Day is still soon, but if it gets better from here, then bring it on!

I hope you all have finality, of sorts, with your WS working with the AP. I know a FWS can work with an AP and maintain NC, but it sure is easier when they don’t…..

[This message edited by abettermarriage at 1:16 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)]


BS, Me: Late 30’s
FWH: 40’s
Married 12 years, together 20
2 Kids
DDay 1: May 11th 2009
DDay 2: June 21st 2009 (NC broken)
Working it out…we are pretty happy

Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2010
MrVanguard
Member
Member # 27692
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)

I guess I will join this group. WW's EA was with a co-worker who lives 3 time zones away. They had met in person at an orientation session when he first started a year ago. She has to contact him for work-related stuff a few times a month. They started flirting through work email and on the phone, and eventually took it to personal email accounts and texting.

Based on the secret emails I found, it really started going to the next level about 3 months ago. For the entire month before I caught her, it was about as deep as EA can get (I found 75+ emails and chats between them, so there is not much she can hide about it).

They never actually talked about being together in a relationship. They were cake-eaters...they both said they were very happy in their marriages, but loved the excitement of this other person on the side. Ugh.

We've been married 3 yrs and never had any issues at all. Others considered us a perfect couple. That's what makes this so shocking to me.

We're in MC and IC right now. I want to R but at this point, have little trust or happiness.

WW has offered to quit her job, but she is a rising star at the company and is due for a promotion. I don't want her to leave this job. I guess I do take comfort in knowing they are long distance. Not sure I could handle this if they both worked in the same location.


me- 34
W- 29
Married 4 years.

She was a WS (EA with co-worker) Feb 2010.
I was a WS (EA with ex-GF) Oct 2010.

R going very well.


Posts: 94 | Registered: Feb 2010
Come2Grips
Member
Member # 28002
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, March 21st (Sunday)

I just found out about my H's A with a coworker 3 days ago. Found out a lot more info about it tonight. It has been a rough evening. Yesterday things were looking promising, he was saying all the right stuff and talking about getting a new job. Tonight he called me from work to plan how he could change shifts so he wouldn't have to work with her. I found a bunch of emails and one of the jobs he talked about was something she had mentioned to him. Now I feel like he could have been planning to change shifts to be with her more and all kinds of other crap. He works in another town 45 mins away so I can't check in on him and really have no way of knowing.

I just don't even know what to think. I am all over the place tonight.

Anyway, I'm so glad this forum is here. Sucks to find it like this and to realize just how much this happens. So disheartening.


Doubt whom you will, but never yourself.
dday 1 - Mar 18, 2010
dday 2 - Nov 1, 2010
dday 3 - Nov 4, 2010
S - Nov 1

Posts: 439 | Registered: Mar 2010
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, March 22nd (Monday)

I do not think I can face this situation without losing my mind.

WH due to start working with OW in the future.

He still cares for her and will never see her in a negative light.


"Inactive infidelity: It’s where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
KarenL
New Member
Member # 28005
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, March 22nd (Monday)

I really need some feedback guys! I found out about the A a week ago. They work together and their are only 5 employees. She was seperated from her husband and he felt she was w/MY husband. (Back then they weren't)Her H held her hostage then ultimatley let her go and shot himself. My husband is a war vet and has PTSD. They bonded over their mutual PTSD and then had an emotional affair for 2 years and supposedly sex only once several months ago. They ended it the day after I found out and supposedly, they are keeping distance except for work issues. With only 5 people there, this won't stay that way. H says he wants to work on things and we went to a counselor already. He does not beg forgiveness and gets annoyed when I ask questions. I am so emptionally shattered, I am terrified he will still leave. I am also seeking counseling just for me. I am lost and can barely function! HELP!!!

Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: New York
SummerBlues
Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, March 22nd (Monday)

KarenL,

You may want to post in the Just Found Out forum. Lots of good folks here and there as well. The JFO gets alot of traffic.

This is not your fault. It is about your WH's vunerabilities and his weaknesses.

First of all, you need to arm yourself with information. All cheaters lies and do and say the same things. We have the basic needs and emotions. THis enables us to learn from those that have gone before us.

Read the healing library. Read and study SerJR's Tatical Primer. It is in the just found out forum. THis will enpower you with information.

IMHO, your WH has probably had sex multiple times with the OW. They tend to all tell us TT, trickle truth. It may take months for the entire story to come out, if ever.

You can only control you. Read and study. This will allow you to act and not react to his drama.

He cannot work with her. He must go NC and maintain this for three to six months to come off of the drug of the affair. AFfairs are addictive. The APs become addicted to the endorphins, natural speed, that their bodies produce when they are around each other, see text messages, calls, etc. Even the handwriting of the AP may trigger the high. They will crave the high until they go NC and get off of the drug of the affiar (sorry to be repetative).

He will have to have a crying on his knees and begging for forgiveness moment before he is in reconciliation. He will need to do the work of seeing that he cannot work with her and taht he must meet your needs and boundaries for recovery and reconcilation to happen.

Be strong and confidant. You will be okay with or without him. Reconciliation can happen. It is a long and tough road. Good luck.


"Inactive infidelity: It’s where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, March 29th (Monday)

MY FWS worked with his OW#1 that was PA. I soo understand the torture of watching your spouse go off to work. It feels like you are being gutted... I remember. I think any BS dealing with this needs to be in counseling it is way to stressful without someone there on your side. Good luck...


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3141 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
tammyjean100
Member
Member # 28159
Sad  Posted: 10:23 PM, April 10th (Saturday)

I'm new at this, sorry to say. I don't think there is going to be a choice as to whether these two work together. While not in same unit, in same agency, and do see each other on work basis. Known each other for years. WH is 3 years from retirement; has tried to move to other depts without success. Agency head isn't going to do it. OW is the one who would have to. Don't know if that can happen. Who the heck would ask her?? Don't feel it would make a bit of difference to ask to see email, etc. Anyone can delete, set up new email. Even H, who isn't very computer literate. Yikes! Seems many folks here have been through this more than once. Can NC really work if the two offending characters must have some sort of business relationship? No easy answer.


You can't overcome anything without facing it. Betty Ford

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Capital District, New York
cancuncrushed
Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, April 12th (Monday)

This was our situation too. I could not deal. At all. At all. I insisted she be fired. She was. It did not fix alot. I just know it would have ended the crippled relationship immediately. She had a strong attitude that she could do anything she wanted, ever. And cocky about it all, and no remorse. She is walking evil.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 860 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
tammyjean100
Member
Member # 28159
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)

Right now, seems more hopeless than not. Found out OW's cube is very nearby. She can't be fired - state agency. Don't think it would make any difference. H will do what he wants to do. When NC isn't fully possible, it seems that just does not bode well for reconciliation and H taking full responsibility. This is so freakin' hard.


You can't overcome anything without facing it. Betty Ford

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Capital District, New York
riverflow
Member
Member # 28151
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, April 16th (Friday)

I have name and phone number, but I'm not positive it's someone he works with, though how else they would have met 1000+ miles away other than through work contact I can't begin to imagine.

I didn't find out about her until after he left and I filed for Divorce, so this all may be moot at this point for me... but if there were any way of exposing them at work I'd do it in a heartbeat, even if it cost my STBX his job.

Not that I'd do anything foolish.. but I can vent and dream...


Divorced 1/20/11


Posts: 548 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Connecticut
tennispro4
Member
Member # 27842
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)

Has anyone outed your WS and co-worker OP to their work? If so, how did you go about it?


I don't know if I'll make it, but watch how good I'll fake it

Posts: 1140 | Registered: Mar 2010
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 3:24 AM, April 25th (Sunday)

quick update ...

well I watched the show with stbx in it ... and it was good ... natgeo did a great job on the show ... even tho they kinda just showed one side of the prison system perspective ...
and stbx was all over the show ... however only 1-2 scenes were with his face ... the rest were him dressed out in riot gear going in to get an unruly inmate ...

doesn't matter I knew who he was ...

and I did not trigger like I thought I would ... and I have it saved on my DVR ... and have only watched it once ... the night it aired ... thought I would be watching it everyday ... but I don't ...

so that is it ... things are still moving along ... the meadiation is set for May 13th ... I will appear by phone/fax ... last time I talked to stbx he asked if I would be coming to CO for the meadiation ??? and where I would be staying if I was ???

WTF ??? no I told him I will be by phone ...

no other news school is good and I am almost done with the first trimester ... 2nd one starts May 3rd ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Lotsa
Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, April 28th (Wednesday)

I have a query regarding business trips.

My WP had a relatively brief A with her boss which which started on a business trip out of town. WP no longer works with OM.

My WP tells me she has her first business trip since DDay in a few weeks where she will be out of State and have to stay for the weekend. WP says if I am not comfortable with her going, she can cancel.

With OM no longer working with her and being fairly confident she is maintaining NC, I am semi-confident (as confident as one can be) that WP is not planning to meet with OM and that this is nothing other than a business trip. But WP travels out of state semi-regularly for work and on most occasions due to my own work commitments I cannot join her.

So I am now being asked to either trust WP again (which is relatively soon after DDay) or say I'm not comfortable and force her to cancel. I realise there are going to be business trips in the future and they cannot be avoided forever, but I also don't know if I am overreacting for thinking about setting boundaries for WP during her business trips, or asking that she do certain things while she is away to alleviate any concerns I may have that she is up to no good. I would be very appreciated to hear from anyone else who have been in a similar situation and if so, what boundaries or things did you ask of your WP/WS to allay your concerns (if any). Thanks in advance.


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
abettermarriage
New Member
Member # 27442
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, April 30th (Friday)

Lotsa,

Personally, I would not have been comfortable with WS going on a trip so soon after DDay. If WP is willing to cancel, then I would take her up on that, for sure.

As far as future trips, can you accompany WP on them until you are feeling more safe? If she can avoid trips for a near future, I think that would make you feel the safest...

((Lotsa))


BS, Me: Late 30’s
FWH: 40’s
Married 12 years, together 20
2 Kids
DDay 1: May 11th 2009
DDay 2: June 21st 2009 (NC broken)
Working it out…we are pretty happy

Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2010
abettermarriage
New Member
Member # 27442
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 13th (Thursday)

Well, today my FWH was notified that the OW will be leaving the building in 2 weeks! I can’t tell you how relieving this will be…out of sight, out of mind.
It has been a year, and R has been better than expected, however, the biggest issue is that they work in the same building. They RARELY have to communicate professionally, but this move will be, I hope, the final nail in the coffin. Even FWH admits, on the rare occasion he sees her in the office, memories occasionally come back..and he DOESN’T want to be reminded anymore.
So, let’s hope this pushes us and our M further into a better place when June 1st comes around.

To all those in similar situations, you can do it if they work together, but the alternative is so much better and something to seriously discuss.

Good luck to all!


BS, Me: Late 30’s
FWH: 40’s
Married 12 years, together 20
2 Kids
DDay 1: May 11th 2009
DDay 2: June 21st 2009 (NC broken)
Working it out…we are pretty happy

Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2010
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 21st (Friday)


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
AngelBetrayed
Member
Member # 28579
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, May 22nd (Saturday)

My FWH works with the MOW on different floors but for a small company. They have limited contact at work and he sent her a no contact letter shortly after he confessed the affair to me 3 months ago. MOW had told her husband and FWS took this as an opportunity to get away from her (her insecurity and possessiveness was getting old). She still tries to "fish" weekly and he says that I read too much into it? WTF? anyways, he doesnt respond to emails, phone calls etc and gives one word answers when she corners him in person. and she KNOWS that he tells me about the emails, calls and person to person contact. I think his transparency, desire for no contact and the fact that he was not in the fog right from the start helped


BW: Me 45
BH: Him 38
together 10 years, married 8
1 DD: 12
Confessed: February 26, 2010
PA 1.5 years with coworker MOW

Posts: 106 | Registered: May 2010
forever.haunted
Member
Member # 28645
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, May 30th (Sunday)

My WS ended up quiting the best job he's ever had to save our marriage. He made the dumb decision to have an A with a trashy coworker, someone he didn't want to be with in real life...just wanted her attention.

They worked together for 3 years, were BEST friends that whole time, and messed around at work for 2 years. They went to a motel at xmas after stopping by the mall to buy our families xmas gift cards.

He never thought I would find out because neither of them were looking to leave their marriages...just wanting some fun and excitement.

He lead her to believe he loved her and wanted to leave me...she began to believe it obviously. Because Dday happened because I found her text messages on his phone.

They spent two days trying to convince me they were only best friends..that he really loves me and wants our marriage to work.

After I told her some of the ugly crap he has said about her to me, she got mad...and told me everything. She completely slit his throat.

I told their coworkers, our families, friends, etc

When the A was revealed, he hit a low bottom and said that it woke him up to the stupid crap he was doing, that he never wanted to be with her, just wanted to use her.

In the end, her attention cost him WAY more than he ever imagined he would have to pay. She still works there and hasn't really suffered any consequences.

He had to change jobs, has lost over $10 per hr, has to work much harder for less pay. He lost the respect of all his coworkers, management, family, friends,etc Some of his family have turned their backs on him, which is very painful for him.

He is a broken down man now. All of this has aged him at least 10 years. He now sees what he did was very selfish, stupid, and self-destructive.

And is now trying to hold our fatally wounded marriage together, and worries everyday that I will leave.

He works at a different hospital now...working with mostly women. But I'm not really worried because everybody there knows why he quit his last job..because he's a cheater. Hopefully he has learned his lesson. I think he will think twice before trying to manipulate some piece of trash..just for her sexual attention.

It has cost him and us so much. And has left unspeakable pain in our lives.

Affairs at work may be very fun and exciting, but they do come to an end...eventually. And the end is usually very ugly.

As the old saying goes:

Don't get laid where you get paid.


You let it go when you are ready.. when you have processed it enough.. you let it go when you are sick of trying to figure it out. You let it go when you want your life back

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2010
Thera77
Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, June 19th (Saturday)

Has anyone outed your WS and co-worker OP to their work? If so, how did you go about it?

I did but honestly not on purpose. I just wasn't thinking clearly. WH and OW are former partners in EMS. They still work together - although at different stations and haven't seen much of each other since WH requested NC - I think the FIFTH time OW finally stopped.

Anyway, part of Dday involved me kicking his sorry butt out. WH ran right to OW, they got a hotel room together - and OWH and I spent most of the night on the phone w/ each other. He was suicidal and I had to talk him down. The next day their HR Mgr called for WH on the home phone because he had changed his cell # the night before. I had it because I had been looking @ phone records for the last few weeks. Told HR Mgr to call OW if WH didn't answer because they were in a hotel together.

HR Mgr gasped and said - but OW just got married (yeah I know) - was I sure? Yeah, pretty sure. She sympathised a BS herself after a 13 year marriage. A few weeks later, WH's current partner told him that people at work were talking about A. WH asked him to discreetly find out who was talking (he figured OW). Nope, HR mgr had told her daughter, who also works w/ them, who told her partner, who told her boyfriend (WH's boss) who told his partner, who told WH's partner. Turns out HR Mgr isn't very fond of WH to begin with and I'm not at all sorry about it. Even WH admitted he couldn't get mad about the truth. And they all still have their jobs. *shrug*

ETA: they also work with OW's father - who is a supervisor AND one of the last contacts from OW was that her H might be applying for a job there too. H is angry that eventually I want him to find another job - especially since I lost mine last year and we've since decided I'll stay home for now (wasn't getting any interviews anyway). This is the best salary he's ever earned. But a few months ago OW's current partner mentioned to WH that she's getting burned out, so just crossing my fingers that maybe OW quits instead?

[This message edited by Thera77 at 10:17 AM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
Katieisfree
Member
Member # 22930
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, June 25th (Friday)

OW has left the building.

After 18 mths of R I have a small hope that we can get through this.

FWH told me and I went to lay down and think what it will mean for my healing. I hope it will move it along without question


DD 6/6/08
Sep 5/8/08
R 16/12/08

Posts: 485 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Australia
Katieisfree
Member
Member # 22930
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, June 25th (Friday)

dup

[This message edited by Katieisfree at 10:25 PM, June 25th (Friday)]


DD 6/6/08
Sep 5/8/08
R 16/12/08

Posts: 485 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Australia
Katieisfree
Member
Member # 22930
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, June 25th (Friday)

dup

[This message edited by Katieisfree at 10:24 PM, June 25th (Friday)]


DD 6/6/08
Sep 5/8/08
R 16/12/08

Posts: 485 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Australia
Thera77
Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, June 26th (Saturday)

OW has left the building.

Katie, that is so awesome. Happy for you. Must be such a huge weight off of your shoulders.


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
let it be me
Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 30th (Friday)

ARGH! Knowing WH is in the same building and has opportunity to see OW everyday is killing me.... WH states NC, has said steps were taken to ensure paths would not cross during the day.. No longer see OW's number on phone bills or email accounts.... WH is in IC (as am I) ... WH is patient, apologetic, constantly telling me "thank you for giving me another chance", holds me when I cry, etc, etc... I still feel like it is just another game we are playing... like the one we have been playing for the last 6 years that I have known in my heart WH was having A with this OW.... ARGH!!! WHEN is OW'S transfer GOING TO HAPPEN????!?!?!?!?!?

Sorry, y'all.....just needed to VENT!


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
Lily25
Member
Member # 28947
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, August 5th (Thursday)

WHEN is OW'S transfer GOING TO HAPPEN????!?!?!?!?!?

This is what is going through my head everyday. I feel your pain.


Me BS
Him FWH
DS & DD
D-Day 06/10
PA with coworker


Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2010
let it be me
Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, August 10th (Tuesday)

Well the brilliant MarriedOW texted WH that she wanted WH to call her from his office phone (guessing, obviously, that OW didnt want me seeing the call on his cell bill).... IN THIS SITUATION WH did the right thing and texted no and what do you need. OW texted back some inane, not necessary question to WH and WH responded to the business question in a text... OW did not continue the text after WH's answer...

SO, WH came home (visibly upset)and said he had something to show me something. WH showed me the texts (all of them, WH did not delete any). I told WH that I appreciate him honoring our marriage by being transparent and asserting NC with OW by only responding to the business related text... I told WH that I expect him to contact his IC and come up with a NC Letter that would re-affirm and re-state NC boundaries... WH did accomplish that and dropped the NC letter in OW's truck (windows cracked cuz it is HOT here in Texas) this morning...

SO, YAY, WH handled it the right way and BOOOOOOO, cuz that OW seems to be phishing.... OW NEEDS TO TRANSFER OR WH NEEDS A NEW JOB ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!

I keep falling backwards, well tumbling backwards every day... I feel like I'm moving forward and then every Monday am I get to relive the fears for a week and try to decompress on the weekend... I hate fear. Just sayin'


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
let it be me
Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, August 23rd (Monday)

Mondays suck....

The fact that WH is there with MOW EVERYDAY is just about enough to make me want to get up and walk out.

just about enough....

HOW do we move forward? Cross that out...

HOW do IIIIIII move forward?

*sighs*


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, September 10th (Friday)

Hi libm you move ahead with his help. and it seems as though he is helping you.

Good luck.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, September 11th (Saturday)

Hi

Lots of people post here about how difficult it is with WS and OP working together. I'd be interested to know if there is anyone in this situation whose R is going REALLY WELL and who thinks it's not an issue.

I'm finding it harder as time goes by - not easier as I hoped


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
zombieman
Member
Member # 28996
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, September 11th (Saturday)

I'd be interested to know if there is anyone in this situation whose R is going REALLY WELL and who thinks it's not an issue.

I would love to know the same thing, i'm finding it harder as time goes on as well. They have an instant messenger system in the office - that's how this whole thing started and there it is for either of them to fish or whatever, the opportunity is there every single day. It's just really messing with my head. OM is leaving the job 'asap' that was a month ago.... It will be one of the happiest days of my life it ever happens.

[This message edited by zombieman at 1:32 AM, September 11th (Saturday)]


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2010
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, September 11th (Saturday)

R is going REALLY WELL and who thinks it's not an issue

I consider our M to be safe now. but It was difficult. Just be sure that you both want it more than anything, and you will make it.

take care


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
imagrownup
Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, September 15th (Wednesday)

My WH works very closely with his OW! Yuch- It was an incredible obstacle to over come. She is much younger than me and I guess men would think she is prettier than me. She does everything but set her hair on fire to get his attention. She goes to his office and complains -tells him he hurt her- tells him regularly that he should never have told me everything that happened. She feels they should and can still be friends. That sounds really really bad doesn't it.
However, I know what is going on because my husband is being completely honest with me. I see all the emails she sends him -I get a call when- as we call it-she acts up! Her behaviors are showing her for what she is-very needy -insecure and really not too worried about him or his family. She has shown her true colors. As he states if you care about someone you would want the best for them. He states she is a master manipulator. At first I was completely absorbed in the fact they worked together. Couldn't get past it. I know no one will beleive this but now I feel it is therapuetic!
He sees what she is doing and gets really really upset. He has sent letters to her that he drafted and then let me read stating that whenever she comes in and discusses anything other than business that it makes him feel like he is still cheating on me. He has sent a text to her stating this was all his fault that no matter what he said to her in past he wants only me and the issues in our marraige were his fault not mine, and if she truly wants him to be happy she would leave him alone so he could repair the damage he has done. He told her that we did not talk and and all the other things he used to beleive he was justified to do his thing during the affair. She feels he is unhappy and that she can help him through and wants to be there for him. He has sent a letter to her stating that he is completly happy and working on our relationship is what is making him happy. He let's me see all this on paper as well as on his cell. I also see all of her replies. It is amazing what complete honesty and transparency will do for your relationship. I feel empowered and like I am worth fighting for. Please don't think it was always this way. He trickle truthed for months-he states because he didn't want to worry me. I beleive that and I also know it sometimes was flattering to him. I also know he missed talking to her.
Truth is I don't want him to leave his job. He loves this job and I love it when he is happy. She has asked him that if she leaves the job -could they get back together, so I am not sure if the issue that they work together is really an isuue. It has taken me a year to get here but I am not too upset about her working with him. She is the complete opposite from me and if there is one thing I am sure of- I am the type of woman he wants to be married to. If we were not together he would not want that type of woman. I think I am lucky in this matter because she did some really awful stuff to me (stalking, emails, text messages). In his initial fog he didn't beleive she could do it. After all this crazy daily behaviour he states that it is for sure her and what a fool he is/was for ever beleiving anything she said. So as odd as this may sound-thank goodness they kept working together! He had her on a pedastal and I am not sure that would have went away if he would have went NC all together.
My biggest concern right now is that she is causing him so much stress. I can see it all over his face. He is tired and worried always.

Just when we think she is done bothering him-she calls him again. He really has to take calls from her due to this work situation ansd he states it is very stressful when the call is about something other than work. Thankfully the calls are becoming less and less and he tells me immediately when she did call, and he states he tells her that he tells me when she calls. I am not sure that part is true, but I am going with it because it feels better. Why shouldn't I he is proving he is trying in all other ways.

Mainly, I had to get the beast out of my head, I had to get the jealousy gone and I had to look at this situation clearly. WOW took a long time! Once I was able to listen to him -he didn't feel threatened to tell me she is calling him. We have agreed that even tho-he started this crazy mess-that we are in this together. This woman has had many many many relationships and many many affairs with married men. She had admitted to sleeping with dozens of men to him. He can't figure out why after a year she just won't move on.
This is still a work in progress but if any WS's are out there reading and are in this situation, Please tell your BS everything. My WH states he feels much better that he can tell his best friend what is going on. And that best friend is not her -IT IS ME! By the way he felt they were BFF's during the affair. We have gotten through so much in our relationship in the past and the way we did it was by talking-as hard as it is in this situation-that is the only way through it.

Every day I ask for strength and everyday his actions are giving it to me. One day at a time!


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
OverIt!
New Member
Member # 29745
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, September 30th (Thursday)

wow...I have never posted or participated in a suport group before..but so much of what I have seen here is SO familiar. It was Nov 9 2008 when I found out about the affair ws was having with a woman at work. He had a flimsy excuse and so I went through the cell phone etc..and soon felt like I was living a Lifetime Movie.
We have been to therapy together and I think now perhaps we could put it back together...but every few months she "pops" up again. He doesnt get it because "the sex part was over a long time ago" . I have made it clear how I feel, that no contact is still too much but..... We had a pretty good run this time it was 8 months before he acted strange and the Phone number was back again. Of course he says it means nothing there is nothing going on. They carry on like teenage "friends" and Im the parent trying to ruin their fun that just doesnt understand. Anyone else dealing with this?

Posts: 1 | Registered: Sep 2010
beenthere2?
Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, September 30th (Thursday)

We had a pretty good run this time it was 8 months before he acted strange and the Phone number was back again. Of course he says it means nothing there is nothing going on. They carry on like teenage "friends" and Im the parent trying to ruin their fun that just doesnt understand. Anyone else dealing with this?
Ack, I'm sorry. I don't know how I would deal with that as WH knows that is a dealbreaker for me.

There is something going on and it bothers you. If he isn't seeing that, perhaps you need to remind him. Does she have a spouse? I'd be letting him know they are at it again.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
Trying2Survive2
Member
Member # 25758
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, October 4th (Monday)

I'm sorry OverIt..
Thats just so sad.

I've made it clear, any breaks in the plan instant dealbreaker.
I'll live in a tin can.


xoxox


Faithful Wife ME 52
FWH 47
DDAY #1 1/11/09 EA Online ONLY (NC)
DDAY #2 6/2010 Admitted PA with the same PIG(12/08)
"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness"

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: USA
TodayisMine
Member
Member # 29740
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, October 13th (Wednesday)

So many things going well, but the fact that he works right there with her all night is like chinese water torture.

I just keep wondering to myself is this going to be the night someone thinks enough time has passed that it is okay to say "hello". ~Deal Breaker~

He says there is no non-work contact. I want to believe him, but my gut says otherwise. I do believe there is nothing sexual or any pining. He describes shame and says it is awkward around her. I know it is a joke among the others that work with them.

I dig my heels in and bear it every night. Lately it has been getting the best of me and I am starting to feel unsettled. D-day anti-versary is right around the corner. I can feel the weight of it and it has me aggitated. It is offensive to me that it has been a year and he still works with her.

I don't think I will have full peace until she is gone from my picture and right now he is playing the waiting game for her to be moved. He has worked hard to have this job and doesn't feel he should have to suffer the consequece of taking a different position just to get away from her. He suffers enough from this 'mistake' and doesn't think it is fair he should have to lose one more thing over it. He talks about changing sometimes because it is uncomfortable when comments fly, but hasn't followed through.

Edited for typos

[This message edited by TodayisMine at 10:44 AM, October 13th (Wednesday)]


Either we are trustworthy or we are not. As Tom Peters said, "There is no such thing as a minor lapse of integrity."

Posts: 66 | Registered: Sep 2010
tuscandreamer
Member
Member # 17406
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, October 14th (Thursday)

My WH still works with the xMOW. It is a thorn in my side. To make matters worse, a new young female is on staff now. She picked up on the bad vibes between my H and the xMOW. She figured out the reason why. This new person doesn't like the xMOW. My H and the new person seem to great pleasure in dissing the xMOW. I just don't get it. I keep hearing about this new person a lot. Then all of sudden, my H has stopped talking about her. My gut is seeing red flags. Should I be worried?


BS 46
WH 43
Dday #1 6/20/07, Dday #2 (different OW) 5/16/09
3 DDs (14, 9, 6)
Reconciling...

Posts: 482 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
Kamkim
Member
Member # 29672
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, October 14th (Thursday)

H no longer works with OW and I feel like a 1000lb weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

3 months from DDay, took a while but he knew once this came out I couldn't deal with him working there any more.


Me 30
WH 31
1 DDs (11,7)
DDAY 1 7/7/2010 (texting out of town coworker for 3 weeks) Whoreface 1
DDAY 2 6/22/2012 (found out about a kiss with a coworker that happened 8 years ago) Whoreface 2

Posts: 2556 | Registered: Sep 2010
beenthere2?
Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, October 15th (Friday)

I just don't get it. I keep hearing about this new person a lot. Then all of sudden, my H has stopped talking about her. My gut is seeing red flags. Should I be worried?
IT would me. It seems that when WH would quit talking about some female was when she'd show up on our cell bill.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
beenthere2?
Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, October 23rd (Saturday)

How do you handle the social work functions? With holiday parties and such coming up, I am starting to have anxiety over these.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, October 23rd (Saturday)

Hi beenthere2

If you are not comfortable don't go.

If it was me I would go. I would make sure I looked a million dollars and hold my Ss hand and insist they gave ONLY ME attention and gave none to any members of the opposite sex.

I would smile and look SOOO happy all the time to rub it in their faces (My H had 3 OWs in his workplace , Ow2 and OW3 are still there).

Whatever you do make sure it is what you want. If you don't want to go tell him he can't either. It's always possible to make an excuse - even a last minute one if needed. Dying relatives (who make a miraculous recovery) should do the trick

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
zombieman
Member
Member # 28996
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, October 28th (Thursday)

Ww has handed in her resignation after more broken nc. 4 weeks to go. God I hope this the end of it. Feeling good though!

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2010
hopeforthebest
Member
Member # 15777
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, November 16th (Tuesday)

Just a head up people-i just discovered we have been in false r for 3 years due to the fact the he still works with her and has never gotten over her.

MAKE the Wayward Spouse get a new job if you want to make it through this-we are headed fro divorce.


Posts: 99 | Registered: Aug 2007
butterfly30
Member
Member # 29356
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, November 17th (Wednesday)

Although I hate that he has to work with her for at least another year, I think we have worked out some solutions we can live with.
- I travel with him as much as I can
- he forwards me any email from her (won't give me password though)
- he gave me advance notice she was coming here for a work trip and we went out of town for the week.
This helps more than anything else he could say.
Hugs to all of you in this mess.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2010
tryinginmi
Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, December 1st (Wednesday)

My FWH and the MOW still work for the same company along with toxic MIL. I also worked for the company until 2 years ago.

Shortly after DD#2 FWH requested to be transferred to a different area and no longer has to see OW. They are still in the same building, and may be forced to work together on a weekend, but the chances are very very slim.

As far as I can tell things are going very well. She did head over to his area last week. I think she volunteered to fish, but who knows. He told me immediately. He said he turned his back on her and did his job.

I'm actually fairly at peace with this now as I do visit on a regular basis. If something was going on again I have enough people that would tell me.

So far so good.


Me - BW 38
Him - FWH 38
Her - MOW 46 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 954 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
cantbelieve
Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, December 2nd (Thursday)

My H still works with his whore. Not directly, but indirectly. I had asked that he tell me when they have contact, but I hear nothing. It's like she dropped off the earth, yet they spent 4 years together. I just don't get it. I really believe he's not involved, but the questions still linger...


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
ShockedandNumb
Member
Member # 30151
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, December 3rd (Friday)

He packed up and walked out. We drove around and he told me how mad he was at her. How happy he was that she was leaving in a few weeks. That he can be done with her and, hopefully, never see her again. Now THIS made me happy! I told him I was sorry he had to go through that,
but this was a happy day. We talked soooo much that afternoon. That he can’t imagine what it would be like if he had left me for her, and then she showed her true colors, like she did that day. I truly think last Friday my FWH finally came fully out of any lingering FOG. Halleluiah!

THAt is exactly the types of things that make me happy. When OW shows her true colors because it validates us who stood by their side. It validates the the OW is not a "perfect princess on a pedestal"... I am so happy he got to see the bitch in action , because let's be honest-that is what she is for doing what she did.


D-Day#1-11/2005--me-8 weeks pregnant
D-Day#2 11/17/2010 same OW-LTA
BS(me)44
WS(him)42 yrs old.
4 daughters/19+ yr marriage
Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him....

Posts: 407 | Registered: Nov 2010
beenthere2?
Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, December 3rd (Friday)

I had asked that he tell me when they have contact, but I hear nothing.
I asked my WH that too and he didn't tell me anything. Seems had he told me then it would have been a lie that it wasn't all work related, but since he didn't say anything then he wasn't lying.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
whatdoto
Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, December 3rd (Friday)

beenthere2?

WH's Christmas Party is tomorrow night. Ah, we don't do work functions any longer. It's just part of the healing process. Sorry Charlie!

OW is at all of them, with beer in hand, just waiting for the next available penis to show up.


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
tryinginmi
Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, December 7th (Tuesday)

Hell no. I'm not giving up anything. I go to the work functions, and will not be missing anything because the OW is there.

I don't need to put on an act for her. My marriage is doing very well and my FWH is devoted to me.

She can stuff it!


Me - BW 38
Him - FWH 38
Her - MOW 46 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 954 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
beenthere2?
Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, December 7th (Tuesday)

Hell no. I'm not giving up anything. I go to the work functions, and will not be missing anything because the OW is there.
Now that I have told her BH, I feel I can do this too. She no longer has anything that I don't know.

Before WH latest TT I knew he was hiding something from me and I knew that she knew it. It was like she was smarter than me or had something over me.

Now she has nothing I don't. In fact, I still have my H. Her's kicker her cheating ass out.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
tryinginmi
Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, December 13th (Monday)

One of the thing that helps in my situation is the shame that my husband feels.

He is ashamed of what he has done, and that so many people (his mother included) know exactly what they were up to.

I just cannot imagine him walking the gauntlet again knowing that everyone knows, knowing how many times she has been passed around, and that everyone knows exactly what type of woman he has at home.

Yes he's been a fool before, but he is starting to face some of the horrible things that happened in his childhood even though the rest of his family is so far in denial that they call him delusional and crazy.

He is once again a man that I can be proud to call my husband.


Me - BW 38
Him - FWH 38
Her - MOW 46 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 954 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
NewBeginning
New Member
Member # 30443
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, December 18th (Saturday)

I just attended WS' work party and 'she' was there. We both ignored her and it actually worked great.

But, potentially backfired because now she is fishing -- saying "I really want to thank your wife for how great it went, yada yada.' Then that chat turns into the 'Well how are you?" thing.

NC had been going great, but I'm afraid she somehow is more comfortable now that I won't boil her rabbit (ha) and she'll try and get back in teh friend zone with WS.


Me (BS) 35 yrs
Husband WS 39 yrs
Married 6 years
Together 10 years
1 son, 5
Dday Oct 18, 2010
He had PA w/ coworker, duration 2 mos
In reconciliation

Posts: 19 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: U.S.
Thera77
Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, December 21st (Tuesday)

One of the thing that helps in my situation is the shame that my husband feels.
He is ashamed of what he has done, and that so many people (his mother included) know exactly what they were up to.


Much of this is the same for my FWH. Except that mil has had a 35+ year A with a MOM - so like her opinion counts. But the fact that so many people know about them was motivating for FWH as well. He was at least OW's 2nd workplace A in 4 months and 3rd A in 6 months according to OW's BH. So sad.

He is once again a man that I can be proud to call my husband.

Yes!! This is so important and has gone a long way in our R, despite the fact that technically FWH and OW work together still, albeit in different locations and on different shifts. Watching him recover his integrity is not only something of which I am very proud but a victory over the A in and of itself.

NC had been going great, but I'm afraid she somehow is more comfortable now that I won't boil her rabbit (ha) and she'll try and get back in teh friend zone with WS.

I think this latest fishing attempt is less that FOW's not afraid of you and more that she realizes how irrelevant she is to your WH. She's not stupid - using a 'compliment' about you as an in for getting familiar with WH again. Sick maybe, but not stupid. His remaining NC with OW and attention to you, despite the attempts are what will really boil her rabbit.

[This message edited by Thera77 at 1:10 AM, December 21st (Tuesday)]


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, January 13th (Thursday)

Happy New Year!

Just wanted to let you all know that we survived the holidays. We had a few uncomfortable moments, but we are still here, and it is getting easier.

Take care.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
bgshaker
New Member
Member # 30793
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, January 16th (Sunday)

Today I came across where my FWW and her FOM have given each other glowing recommendations on their LinkedIn pages.
I believe that their 2 month A is firmly ended, but this really irritates me.
Torn between just making my feelings known to her or being considerably more demanding.
Edit to include fact they are coworkers.
BTW-We're Mad Hatters, but I believe in dealing with her A and my ONS as separately as possible. Is there not danger in comparing A's?

[This message edited by bgshaker at 10:37 PM, January 16th (Sunday)]


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2011
beenthere2?
Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, January 19th (Wednesday)

Today I came across where my FWW and her FOM have given each other glowing recommendations on their LinkedIn pages
I don't know anything about LinkedIn, but could you ask your W to delete her comments?


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
debinthewater
New Member
Member # 31321
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, February 27th (Sunday)

Oh Thank G-d...other people that have similiar situations!! I'm really struggling. My WH works with his OW ...they are both detectives. He can't change that and if he even asks for a schedule change to decrease the amount of contact time, then he says it will be career suicide and could launch an investigation and he could never achieve Homicide det. Really? I mean, doesn't this happen unfortunately ALL the time in police departments??? In the beginning, 2 mo. ago, he said he wanted the marriage, now he is in the FOG and not willing to set ANY real boundaries. ...some that are decent ...I mean, not contacting her via phone, not sure what goes on @ work re: email, he calls to let me know where he is and when He'll be home but they see each other EVERY day. I mean, really, what are my chances here. I'm trying to focus on me and my strength and my 5 and 6 year old but honestly the depression is starting to smother me. The tension is incredible. He is in a selfish mode and just purchased a new bike and now wants a new Truck. ...and no, we really don't have the $$$. I just had to quit one of my jobs and just work pt to bring in a little $$ so it is mostly his salary that we live on. I'm starting to lose my faith and feel ever more like the door mat. Thoughts??


me 42 BW
Him 40 WH
2 kids 5 & 6
DDay Jan 8th
In constant state of Limbo but moving further away from R

Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Northern Virginia
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, March 20th (Sunday)

debinthewater
How are you doing?
I just popped in and saw this post.
Thoughts. Well in my day my spouse had daily contact with his APs. They both worked under him he was their super!!
My thought was if they want each other then they deserve each other. Did it kill me well at first the first time the second time around I told him he was sick and needed help. Heck I told him that was nasty and if he wants trash he can hit the street. If he couldn't see they were trash he was the one with problems. Look doll we all can go out and sleep with anyone. We have a choice and we choose to not sleep around. They chose too.
Sounds to me like he wants all these things. He has no responsibility for the bills does he? You pay everything so he doesn't have to worry and you make it happen is this a right assumption?
I am off to find some more articles you wrote.. You hang in there..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3141 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
toycoon
Member
Member # 31604
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)

The OW still works in my same department at a school. My wife has told me she will not even consider couples counseling if I continue to work with the OW, yet I cannot find another job in my area, so I am in such a dilemma. I have severed all contact with the OW, but my wife remains so very upset that the OW and I work in the same building and in the same department. I fully understand my wife's upset. It must be so impossibly hard for her, and I know I would feel the same if the tables were turned. But I cannot quit my job. The A ended Dec. 31, when my wife confronted me. I have had absolutely NO contact with the OW since this time, other than to text her "its over." I have had no other contact with her and I desire NONE. I understand my wife's distress at the OW and I continuing to work in the same department. Not sure what to do? I did go to my department head and tell her of my affair. I've asked if there is any way I can transfer to a sister school, but there are no openings. My wife remains steadfast that she will not consider couples tx unless I no longer work with this woman. I began applying to other schools, but given my salary schedule and age, I know that no other school would hire me. I love my wife so dearly, and I am in such a quandry as to what to do....

I have such incredible feelings of remorse, guilt, and angst for having hurt my wife in such a profound and devastating manner. And she tells me that the pain I have caused her is 100 times more than anything I could possibly feel.

To complicate matters, my daughter also works with me and the OW, and my daughter and the OW have the same positions as teacher's aides. My daughter hasn't really spoken to me since this A was discovered and my nearly 22 year old son has severed all contact with me.

I am emotionally and at times physically sick about the depth of pain I have caused to my loving family. I wish I could quit my job, but I just don't see how I can do this, given the economy... and when I told my department head that I was considering leaving, she told me emphatically to stay at the school. She values me and told me she recognizes how valued she considers me with my students. Yet the OW continues to work in the same department. I have asked my department head if she could transfer the OW or me...Not sure what will happen, but I know there are no openings for me anywhere else int he district. What to do, what to do?????? I fear I am losing my wife and the thought of losing her is more than I can bear....I only want to support and love her, as she deserves. This is SO complicated at every turn....and to think I CAUSED this and brought it on my family and unsuspecting and trusting wife of 28 years..... I have not believed in the concept of heaven or hell, but I now know that THIS IS HELL, for me and my family....and I have CAUSED it.....

[This message edited by toycoon at 6:47 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 148 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Chicago area
tuscandreamer
Member
Member # 17406
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)

toycoon,

I am in the same situation as your wife. My WH is a teacher too and he still works with the xMOW in the same department. If you have any way of leaving that school, do it know.

4 years later and I am still struggling with her presence. I would not wish this situation on anyone. It is really hindering things for us.


BS 46
WH 43
Dday #1 6/20/07, Dday #2 (different OW) 5/16/09
3 DDs (14, 9, 6)
Reconciling...

Posts: 482 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
forever.haunted
Member
Member # 28645
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, April 2nd (Saturday)

toycoon,

My fwh went throught the same dilemma as you...worked with the OW..no open positions to transfer too...didn't want to leave a good/high paying career job..

he too went to the supervisor admitting to the A, asking for a transfer...but nothing was available.

He went to the OW's supervisor hoping to get the OW's schedule changed or transferred...nothing available.


The OW tried to get fwh fired by complaining to the human resources that fwh was making her feel threatened...

fwh got OW suspended for 3 days due to harrassment...


it got real ugly in the end. I hope your A will not end up that way. If it hasn't, be thankful.

Fwh eventually, 3 months after dday, quit his job because I could not stay sane or work on any aspect of R while he was working with the OW.

Since then, we are fully R'd. As far as I know, OW still works there.


I understand your situation, it is hell.

((toycoon))


You let it go when you are ready.. when you have processed it enough.. you let it go when you are sick of trying to figure it out. You let it go when you want your life back

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2010
Thera77
Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, April 2nd (Saturday)

(((DIW)))

So sorry that you have found yourself in this situation because of your WH's selfishness. Sounds like he is completely unremorseful and not at all working towards recovering your M at all. He should be completely transparent. IF what your WH says is true about not being able to transfer (seriously he can't laterally transfer anywhere else??)then at the very least he should be completely transparent with you in everything. Email, cell phone (do you have access to the phone bill to at least confirm whether or not he he is still communicating with OW?), etc. It honestly sounds like he is still involved in the A. It might be helpful to post in the JFO forum to get some guidance. Do you have a backup plan (or can you develop one) if he remains fully fogged and unremorseful?

Toycoon: Thank you for your candor. My best advice as a BW who had to deal w/ her FWH working w/ the OW for nearly a year post A - is to be transparent. If you see/talk with/get an email from/pass OW in the hall/are in a meeting with OW, etc., BE HONEST with your BW. Hide nothing. Show her your efforts. Most importantly work on yourself and your M. If your BW won't do MC right now, at least start IC for yourself. If your job is truly a deal breaker for your BW, you may have to consider quitting or taking a demotion to get out of your current school. It may come down to making the decision about which is more important, reconciling with your BW or your status and income? Best of luck to you TC.

[This message edited by Thera77 at 3:32 PM, April 2nd (Saturday)]


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
Time?
Member
Member # 31684
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, April 4th (Monday)

My WH says he did not have a PA with coworker, though I still have my doubts and questions. (This is on top of a string of paid NSAs.) There have been so many lies for so long. Now in his work he is going to be working closely with a woman I have not yet met. Since DDay he has accounted for almost all of his time, with a few apparently innocent lapses. Nevertheless, I can feel my panic starting to rise in response to this new work situation as there will be no reason for there to be lots of phone calls, texting etc. They will not be in the same city though there certainly will be business trips that will have me worrying. I have just asked for his phone/text records for the time since DDay almost a year ago. I figure if there is nothing there, maybe I can start to relax. Reading the posts here I wonder if I really want to deal with all this for the rest of my life.


BS Me
WS Him
Together almost 10 years, married 5.5, wandering since 2.5 years in our relationship, or at least looking and then wandering after though not exactly sure when, many NSAs, so many lies, says wandered online for first 3-/+ years and onl

Posts: 77 | Registered: Mar 2011
Time?
Member
Member # 31684
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, April 4th (Monday)

(((sick_of_the_lies)))

Yes, my WH has not had good boundaries either. I have talked to him about it alot and I think he has started to get it. At the same time, possible PA from work texted him on a work matter and it was just so not appropriate. He said he would talk with her, not exactly what I wanted to hear. I don't know what to do. Other things have come up that I have had to stop him from doing, including staring at other women when we are out. He denied this for years, but MC called him on it and now he doesn't argue when I bring it up. I guess what I am saying is that you can try talking to him about what he is doing and how it lands for you and what other people probably see, too. His reputation is at stake, if he cares about that. My WH does care about this, I think, so I bring it up. Good luck, I sure do know how crazy-making it is to be going through what you are.


BS Me
WS Him
Together almost 10 years, married 5.5, wandering since 2.5 years in our relationship, or at least looking and then wandering after though not exactly sure when, many NSAs, so many lies, says wandered online for first 3-/+ years and onl

Posts: 77 | Registered: Mar 2011
mostlymine
Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, April 4th (Monday)

My WH and ow work together. They are required to talk to each other to get their jobs done. It started out as a EA because he was able to talk to her about his struggles with work without having to explainin everything. (my husband is a computer programme and his job is a different language to me). The PA started less than 1 month latter. It got to the point they said they loved each other and wanted to leave their spouses for each other. After the full d day WH went back to work with her and the A started up again. He still loved her (gag). After ow asked him to leave me he finally came to the decision that he really wanted me. He wrote a no contact order. Her phone number has been blocked since dday but she found a way to make it unknown (it shows up on the bill that he called himself). I always answered the phone because I knew it was her. She fried to get him to call her by saying he needed to be a man and tell her to by phone. When we ignored her she decided to write a no contact order of her own. Lol. She acts like she is in control of everything and that having the A with my WH was the first thing she did for herself (she said that in email). WH has taken the week off from work. We are trying to repair as much as possible before he goes back. I really want him to quit b I'm a SAHM and I would be hard for him to get a job if he just quits. She says that it's over and she will not talk to him and if he tries she will tell me but I think it's all lies. She likes to play games. I don't know how it's going to work out


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
uncertainty29
New Member
Member # 31408
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, April 6th (Wednesday)

Still in this boat damned near TWO YEARS later.

He seemed to be looking for work I guess but after two years with no interview no call back, I now realize he's probably not trying as hard as he should be.

Every time he tells me about having to talk to her (he claims they do not speak whatsoever), it feels like a scab being reopened and it brings me down again. I'm very happy he does tell me and tries to be honest which is a plus, but when I hear about her having to "ask him something" related to work, I feel like I'm back where I was two years ago totally devastated.

A part of me wishes I had gone through and caused a scene at their job or exposed them to their boss, or called her husband sooner (I got his # and he never responded), maybe they wouldn't be working or she wouldn't feel so damned comfortable to talk to him.

I wish I had just walked away and I would probably be fully happy enjoying my life with someone else. I'm only 27, we're not even MARRIED no kids. I just feel foolish putting up with things like this when I'm so young. I know more than half of this board said if they were not married and childless they would leave in a hot second, so what is wrong with me??

I just hate and resent everything and I resent the SHIT out of him some days for putting me through that painful painful (painful) time. I don't think he will ever FULLY grasp what he has done, and on top of that grasp the pain of the work situation. He just seems to go in everyday like it's nothing. I wish he would just quit outright.

[This message edited by uncertainty29 at 10:39 AM, April 6th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 41 | Registered: Mar 2011
cantbelieve
Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, April 6th (Wednesday)

Coming up on 3 years from dday 1 and he still works with her. They are not on the same floor and he's upper management, she is not usually at the same functions he is. It still bothers me, as I told him I have no idea what he does from the time he leaves home at 4:30 until he gets home at 5:30. I've asked him to let me know when they have business contact and to this day, he has never mentioned anything. It just pisses me off when I think about what that whore did


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
uncertainty29
New Member
Member # 31408
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 13th (Wednesday)

How do you guys feel when your WS says they spoke for work? I feel like I'm at DDay all over again.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Mar 2011
dirk pitt
Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 22nd (Friday)

Everytime she mentions his name, it sets me back a bit. But I have come far enough so that the feeling doesn't last.

Life does get better.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
KInUSA
Member
Member # 19503
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, April 22nd (Friday)

Just the thought of them being in the same building everyday makes me want to puke. It is a medical practice and that is where my doc is located.


I have been there twice since finding out and I now know what anxiety feels like. Last time I could hardly get out of the car and sat in tears willing my legs to want to move, scared that I was going to explode screaming.

I feel like until i get back in the car I don't breath.

I could change practices but I really love my doc and other than OW, WH and one other person I don't think anyone else knows.


DDay 4 November 2009
DDay #2 14 December 2010


Posts: 499 | Registered: May 2008 | From: far far from home
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, April 22nd (Friday)

Hi uncertainty29

My H works with 2 of his 4OWs. They have intermittent contact during the day/evening depending on jobs to be done. He is a wardsman in a hospital and they are nurses.

He

1. Calls me often during his shift and always tells me if they are working.

2. Tells me when he has to do jobs for them.

3. Tells me that when he can he avoids doing jobs with them by saying he's busy when they page him.

4. Tells me of inappropriate contact. (eg Told me OW3 said she'd "forgive" him for cheating on her with OW2 . Told me OW2 tried to give him a secret phone).

5. Never uses their names - we have nicknames for them based on where they work.

I'm dealing with it. It's very tough but best for us that he stays in this job. I just pray every day that they will get hit by the Karma bus - preferably the big C to take them out of the picture completely

Hugs

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Red Sox Nation
Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, April 22nd (Friday)

I just wanted to relate an anecdote that might or might not be relevant.

Last year, I dated a woman who was a former wayward. It ended her marriage. She's not really introspective enough to go through any kind of transformation like we see here on SI, so I took what she said with a grain of salt. And I don't think I ever trusted her, which is one piece of many in why we didn't date very long.

But she told me that the man she cheated with, long-term, was someone she worked with. And that she felt very frustrated that even though her husband wanted reconciliation (they tried, but it didn't work), she would have respected his efforts more and given more had he insisted she find another job.

Of course, in this economy, jobs don't grow on trees (even for forest rangers).


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1655 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
uncertainty29
New Member
Member # 31408
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, April 24th (Sunday)

Wait so she wanted her husband to insist she find another job? That would have made her feel better?

Posts: 41 | Registered: Mar 2011
hangingon81
Member
Member # 31521
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, April 28th (Thursday)

Mu husband still works with his OW as well, but they very rarely have to see each other. The one thing I am thankful for is that i do not have to interact with the people he works with. I don't think i could handle the pity since i know that several of them know what happened.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Minnesota
imagrownup
Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, May 2nd (Monday)

We have had an intersting revelation in the whole work scenario. She has moved on to several other marrried coworkers. It has been confirmed as she is the talk of the office as to how many drinks it takes to get her to do them. Honestly it sounds like a high school locker room there. She has been with atleast 5 single co workers and another 4-5 married co workers. All within the last year.

You would think this would be a great thing for us to learn, however, my FWH seems completely shaken by this.
I have noticed he is quite depressed and upset.

We have talked about this in the past and I figured he knew what she was like and that when this came out -he knew she was like that.

I really beleive he thought that what they had together was special. She told him all the time that she would never do such a thing that he was special, that what they had was special. I beleive he has realized now that maybe he wasn't all that.

It is very upsetting to me to see him upset. He states the reason he is upset is because he feels bad bringing this type of thing into our lives. He states now that he is grateful we were not given a disease, but I don't fel that is why he is upset. I have known him for years and he seems hurt.

This woman stalked me and sent me evil text and email messages. He never believed it was her. I would like to think he is upset because he kept beleiving in her, and let me be victimized, but I don't think that is it. I think he is hurt and really beleived they shared something between the two of them that he felt she wouldn't do with others.

I guess this may be a learning lesson to him and maybe all WS's -women who will just pick up with a married man - usually are just what most people think of them as. She is affectionatley called the office who#e and the company drunk by his coworkers. I am not sure he knows how to handle that.

I would have thought that such a revelation would have been a good thing, yet seeing him sad and upset -really has not been good. It is devastating to me. How can he have any feelings for this woman?



Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
mostlymine
Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 2nd (Monday)

I struggle with the fact that my WH still works closely with the MOW. He has 1 on 1 meetings with her at least once a week. He promises me that the A will not start up again. He feels he made the right decision to stay with me. I feel I/we can't move on until she is out of our lives FOREVER!!!


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
uncertainty29
New Member
Member # 31408
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 13th (Friday)

((mostlymine))

Posts: 41 | Registered: Mar 2011
mostlymine
Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 19th (Thursday)

How do all of you handle having your WS still work with the AP? What guidelines did you put up? What bondaries?


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, May 20th (Friday)

Hi honey

I know how you feel. It is truly horrible knowing they are working with the OWs. I told FWH he had to tell me every time they were at work when he was.(He does shift work at a hospital with OWs - all nurses- and so do they so I won't know unless he tells me). For the first few months I actually drove by hospital to check (to see if their cars were there). After a few months I stopped as he had never lied about this and I was tired of checking!

All his OWs are nurses he works with. He has been at the same hospital for 24 yrs so God knows how many there have been. I know about 4 (1EA - OWzero- and 3 PA's). It truly is the worst nightmare. But there is hope. I truly believe he is remorseful (at present) - who knows how he will be in the future? I just hope it lasts. If not his arse is TOAST. You won't see me for dust. I have told him that if I find out ONE piece of contact that he hasn't disclosed we are done. He knows I mean it.

Now I have told him NOT to tell me when they are working (on the advice of my therapist who says I am bringing the past into the present - R). However he must tell me if they have contact. I have told him all conversation must be business related. Both have tried personal contact and he has told me (OW2 tried to give him a 'secret' phone, OW3 told him she would forgive him for cheating on her with OW2 and have him back. A week ago she told him her son was in jail. This was in front of other people and he said "I'm sorry about that", and left the room.)

The hard part about working with them is that when others are around he is limited in what he can say/do and I have to trust that he is polite (without being rude) but also that he discourages any "fishing". OW3 tried to intimidate me when I saw her (when my aunt was dying) and FWH has been cranky about this which is good.

Yep it is really hard. I suppose like us you are in a position where he can't change jobs. I don't know how long I will be able to take it for. I just hope they die soon!

Hugs

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:33 AM, May 20th (Friday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
alone-abroad
New Member
Member # 32153
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, May 22nd (Sunday)

I feel like this is one of those no win situations for me. My husband's OW is on his actual team and he is her boss. Team consists of about 6/7 people. It's ridiculous but due to the transactional nature of his job, he can't leave until he closes some more deals or we're sunk financially.

He has made an honest effort at NC outside of work dealings and even tries to minimize contact at work. Both in IC and MC. So on the right track but I feel like we might never succeed due to the work situation. Anyone make it work like this?

In the end, if I feel like we are on a really good R track I will insist regardless...either she leaves or he does and we'll just make it work. I'm going to give it a few more months yet since my DD was only in Feb.

Appreciate any feedback from people in similar situations. WS works in high level financial industry -- lots of pressure and long hours!


Posts: 47 | Registered: May 2011 | From: London
sharim
Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 23rd (Monday)

Woo-hoo!!!!!!!!!!! Something good --- actually something great may have come out of this crappy economy. Supposedly OW will be losing her job either at the end of June or the end of August. FINALLY!!!!! I'm not exactly holding my breath (there have been other times when I was hoping she would be gone) but I am definitely keeping my fingers crossed that it is true this time --- and praying that she doesn't get a different job at the same place.

I agree with dirk pitt that it does get easier to deal with as time goes on (plus her office was moved from right next to WS to another building -- gotta say that helped immensely -- although WS still had to spend time over at the other building)but if I knew what I was in for I think I would have made different decisions. This has been a long, rough time ---- PLEASE, PLEASE have her be gone this time!!!!!!


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
LivingALie
Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, May 24th (Tuesday)

I'm so glad to see some activity on this board - I check here often - but rarely see any new posts.

My H works with OW - he is her boss-

At first I thought I could deal with them working together - but since DD - there have been 10 (that I know of) broken NC!

The last one - 2 weeks ago - and i just refuse to live like this any longer. I think once there is that "something" between them - and they're forced to give it up (I found out)..there is always that attraction. Especially if it was physical as well as emotional - which there's was - and it was about 18 months before I discovered it.

And now they're supposed to work together - and..uh...nothing? Nope - I don't think so.

There was a time when I thought they could work together and be ok - but it can't happen- when I discovered this last broken NC - he told me had set boundaries with her - they could only be friends! Are you kidding me? After all the talks we've had, etc.

I've now insisted my H get another job - and in this economy - and with his type of position- which is a very specialized position - it won't be easy.

But I don't care - I won't live with him - knowing he is going off to see her everyday. Until he gets another job - he's sleeping in the spare bedroom. For the FIRST time in a year - he's suffering a consequence - which is my fault - i've been too forgiving and understanding so far. I'm done. He can figure it out.

Thanks for letting me vent!


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Nov 2007
mostlymine
Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, May 24th (Tuesday)

I feel your pain. Every time WH comes home later than normal I worry that it's because he's started up the affair. I really want him to find a new job but he works in a specific field and it's hard to find anything in the same state. I don't want to move out of texas. Maybe I should give a deadline when he has to find a job by?

[This message edited by mostlymine at 8:51 PM, June 3rd (Friday)]


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
LivingALie
Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, May 25th (Wednesday)

when all this happened..i really thought we could get through it with him still working with her..

but i really see now that its not going to work, at least not for me. put yourself in their shoes..could you have an intimate realtionship with someone..then see them everyday..and have the strength to not talk or interact? At least at some point - they are going to talk.."hey, remember how great that was...or, how are things at home...etc"

no..i'm not putting up with this...HE has to figure something else out...either she goes..or he does.

i read here so many times...if they work together, its never really over. i really feel, particulary, if it was a forced ended (as my H's was, i found out) - its never over.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Nov 2007
alone-abroad
New Member
Member # 32153
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 25th (Wednesday)

I worry about that as well. How can he ever really get over her if he sees her every single day, all day long. She is the forbidden fruit now! I just don't know what to do.

Posts: 47 | Registered: May 2011 | From: London
mostlymine
Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, May 25th (Wednesday)

In our case mow asked my WH to leave me and he turned her down. She is heartbroken and now forgives him for betraying her. The longer they work together the more I want to send an email to the whore with my thoughts.


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
LivingALie
Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, May 25th (Wednesday)

mostlymine-

i hate to tell you this- and don't know when your DD was-
but if they work together - its NOT over.

Sure - I thought my husband and my situation was a little different.

It's not - trust me - if they are together everyday - regardless of what he tells you - they are talking, etc. and soon will be right back in the affair.

I know..I know, you don't want to hear it - neither did I-

But here I am- a YEAR after DD - several broken NC- and yes, I did call and tell her she was a whore-

nothing changed 2 weeks ago - he called her - i heard it on the var.

well - i'm wising up now - he's in the spare bedroom until he finds another job.

this is probably the FRIST consequence I've made him suffer - other than listening to me cry and vent-

i don't care how specialized his job is - he better leave that place. It's his problem to figure out now - i'm done.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Nov 2007
tryinginmi
Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, May 27th (Friday)

OW and WH still work for the same company of about 300 people, but WH was able to change location/area right after DDay. They could see each other at breaks if they wanted, but in their jobs they cannot leave their areas without getting in trouble.

They are still working the same hours.

They attend the same company meetings.

He is supposed to tell me if he sees her at all.

They have monthly meetings, and he has yet to mention seeing her since September. I have a very hard time believing this. I worked for the company for 10 years, and know what those meetings are like. His story is he goes in with his head down at the last minute, stands at the front of the room with his eyes straight forward and never looks around.

I can imagine this, but don't know if I believe the story.

I DONT think the A is continueing. I know she has moved on to her next MOM and moved out of her house. I have friends at the Co. that know what happened and are watching for me now.

I STILL want him gone!!! I hate that they are both still there! The really bad things is I think I take a secret joy in knowing that many of his coworkers know about the A with the known company skank. They would not approve AT ALL! In fact one of the reasons his KISA ass befriended her in the first place is because everyone else at the co treated her so bad.

Duh, if it walks like a whore, smells like a whore, and talks like a whore.....it's probably a whore.


Me - BW 38
Him - FWH 38
Her - MOW 46 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 954 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
sharim
Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 15th (Wednesday)

Just shoot me now -- OWs job got "rescued" by new govt funding -- so frigging happy that I pay my taxes to give her a job. I knew it was too good to be true that she would be gone.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
imagrownup
Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, June 16th (Thursday)

My Wh works with the OW. It has been 2 yrs in August since D-Day. I am one who can say I sat on the fence. My WH is doing everything he can to make me feel better.
I am sorry it is too much. He can go on and on with being transparent calling me etc. The visions and the realization that they see each other every day is too much.
I have a plan to get seperated and if and when he stops working with her maybe then we can work on it.

I have to respect myself in some way.

I hope everyone else can work through this better.

A bad economy is no excuse. I simply cannot live with this any longer.

I look forward to a life where I am not so upset every day.

I finally had a time that I left for a few days with my daughter - after two years and those two days were fabulous. We had a great time and I was worried I would spend every minute thinking - this gives him ample opportunity to call her and any time he wants to see her etc.

Instead I felt liberated- I just don't care. Call her if you want - I was not there - I was having a great time- I was regaining my life again. I felt really good- I was away from this horrible place my WH chose to put me.

I need to feel that again.


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
heartbroken2011
Member
Member # 31782
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, June 16th (Thursday)

how did you all find out that your partner was having an affair with a co-worker
i suspect mine is and i beleive its all in work time any tips

Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2011
imagrownup
Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, June 16th (Thursday)

It is never all in work time-check text messages - look at who is calling him. Check where he is when he says he is in meetings- just do the unexpected - things you would never do- like stop in office at odd times- I hope you are wrong- Good luck.


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
uncertainty29
New Member
Member # 31408
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, June 17th (Friday)

(((sharim)))

Posts: 41 | Registered: Mar 2011
uncertainty29
New Member
Member # 31408
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, June 17th (Friday)

Does anyone HATE when something happens in yours and WS life, (for example a new home, a baby, vacation, or something else that is your business), and WS tells his work friends (that supposedly knew nothing about the affair so they react normal), and that news travels around possibly to the OW/OM?

I have a serious issue with her even having a small glimpse in my life happy or sad AT ALL, when I don't of hers.

I just want him GONE. Period.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Mar 2011
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, June 17th (Friday)

uncertainty29

Honey

She doesn't matter. She really doesn't. You may find it helps to think of it the other way. When

a new home, a baby, vacation, or something else that is your business

happens she will actually be reminded that she was used. He has these great things happening in his life and

SHE IS NOT PART OF THEM!!!!!!!

Forget what she knows about your life. The only thing that matters is that you can rejoice in the knowledge that she knows he chose you.

I hope this makes sense in your sich. It's hard to answer when I don't know your story. Perhaps you could post it in your profile. It makes it easier for others to respond to you.

Hugs

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
BetrayedinMN
Member
Member # 20970
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, June 20th (Monday)

I have a serious issue with her even having a small glimpse in my life happy or sad AT ALL, when I don't of hers.

I was the same way but now I'm like..let her hear about it. My life (even with all this shit in it) it a billion times better than hers (divorced, by herself, flirting with every married man she works with). I think the best revenge on her at times is that my life is sooo much better than hers and she will NEVER be close to my husband again.


Me - 43
XH 42 (A's with co-workers)
Dday #1 (EA) 2008
Dday #2 (EA) 2010
DDay #3 (EA) 9-2-12

Was served divorce papers on 10/30/12
D final 4/30/13


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
uniquenewyork
Member
Member # 30811
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 21st (Tuesday)

Does anyone know if there are actual legal ramification for a boss (my WW) having an affair with her employee (OM)?
I'm sure that most companies have policies against it, but I was wondering if there are any legal questions about it.

Thanks!


Me(BS): 44/Her(WS): 43
S:11,D:8,D:6
Affair with OM#1 before we were married.
Couple day fling w/ OM#2
Me as a WS: late '07-early '08.
EA/PA with OM#3: 2/16/09 (many D-days after, broken NC.)
EA/PA with OM#4: Found September '10; PA

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
uncertainty29
New Member
Member # 31408
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, June 23rd (Thursday)

I understand it when people say the OP doesn't matter but then again I don't. They mattered enough and were important enough for the WS to risk and sacrifice it all. So they must matter somewhat.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Mar 2011
lifesabeach
Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, June 28th (Tuesday)

uniquenewyork I think it is a workplace policy. I know that at my FWH work if I had outed FOW she is management. She could of and probably would have been fired. It also depends if they signed a contract. But I am not a lawyer. JMO


R'd

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
FeelinDown
Member
Member # 21521
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 7th (Thursday)

I am about ready to write a book about this stupid A!! It has been almost 3 years to the day since our last DDay and I am once again sick and lost at what to do. My WH works with the OW. A few months after the A she was transferred and I was so glad we could move on. We were R and had lots of bad days but lots of good days too. Last year WH was laid off and the only place he could get hired was back working with her. I was just sick Are you kidding me!?!

The last year and a half have been hard. I really struggled the first few months and was back to checking everything again, but nothing showed up. I quit checking and we have been doing really well. A few days ago I was paying our phone bill online and just happened to look at his history. My heart sunk. There is about 300 messages a month going back to March from a number that looked familiar. I just happened to write down all the numbers that were showing up in his phone 3 years ago and who they belonged to. OW had 3 numbers. This number was her first one. I freaked out! I texted and asked whos number it was? WH said it was a male co worker that I know. I said BULLSHIT! I was appalled this could all still be happening. He denied anything was going on and it wasnt OW phone and it was his friends. I told him to pack his stuff when he got home. We were both at work.

I got home and he was in our room. He said he talked to this co worker and figured it out. He told me this co worker had lost his phone and his girlfriend, who is OW's friend, gave him this phone. Even as I write this I realize how far fetched it sounds. I told him I didnt want him to leave and everything had been going so well. I didnt feel like I did during the A. Am I being stupid by trying to believe him??


Me(BS):30
Him:30
Married 11 years
4 young children
3 D Day's with the same OW
Trying to Reconcile

Posts: 150 | Registered: Nov 2008
Tired of Feeling
Member
Member # 32207
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, July 7th (Thursday)

Can you call the number just to see who answers? 300 messages just seems like a lot to me.

Posts: 221 | Registered: May 2011
beenthere2?
Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, July 8th (Friday)

((feelingdown)) I think I responded in your other thread, but you know that is bullshit. It may take you a while to face that, but it is pure bullshit.

Look at your texts is there anybody besided your H and/or your mother or sister that you text that much on a monthly basis? I could see if they had a trip or a project one month, but for that many months in a row?

And really how much do the gods have to conspire to get the ONE "male" co-worker to get a phone that once belong to the OW and that co-worker is the only one he texts that much.

I am very sorry you are going through this.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
beenthere2?
Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, July 8th (Friday)

how did you all find out that your partner was having an affair with a co-worker
i suspect mine is and i beleive its all in work time any tips
I saw the cell phone bill and OW's number was on it more than anything I had ever seen. Over 600 texts in less than 3 weeks.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
nocturneinblue
New Member
Member # 32704
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, July 10th (Sunday)

OW worked with WH in different building at the time of the A. After A ended and before DDay, WH got promoted and his position came open. OW applied and was promoted and now has his former cubicle and is in the same office.
He is her back up so it makes me sick to hear he has to sit in her cubicle to do certain tasks.
It is a small office, so things he shares spread fast. It sucks hardcore, and he has applied for others, but nothing yet.


Me: BS 38
Him: WH 30 (fortomorrow)
DDay# 1 Fall 2007
DDay# 2 August 18, 2010
OW #1: age unknown to me, cyber/phone
OW# 2: age unknown, PA, co worker & future former girlfriend
1child together, son 9 months
1 step daughter, 19 years old.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: colorado
tryinginmi
Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, August 25th (Thursday)

WH and cOW are still working at the same company, but he is in a different area now. After Dday 2 he transferred. He also agreed to let me know if he ever saw her, or had any contact with her. He did share one time when she and another coworker had to pick up supplies from his area, where he was working at that momment (of coarse).

Just found out last week he has seen her tons of times since then, but it was only out of the corner of his eye....so he did not mention them. I do truly believe that he forgot, or didn't understand. Whatever. It was a big giant trigger anyways!!!!

Adding to the wonderful mess is the fact that he needs to pick up OT on Saturdays...and all OT is in her area. Grrr

He worked last Saturday standing feet away from her ALL day. He did not have to work with her, but within 15 feet of her. It made me sick all day...but I got through it. He took the kids and I school shopping afterwards, and out for dinner. We talked about it, and that helped the most.

Sounds like there are going to be a lot more Saturdays ahead. Hopefully the first will be the worst.


Me - BW 38
Him - FWH 38
Her - MOW 46 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 954 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
Agate
New Member
Member # 33038
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, August 27th (Saturday)

Has anyone noticed that the "tone" of voice the WS used with the AP's name was a give-away to their feelings for them?

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2011
sharim
Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, August 27th (Saturday)

Has anyone noticed that the "tone" of voice the WS used with the AP's name was a give-away to their feelings for them?

Not necessarily the tone but when WH was going on a business trip I asked who was going (this was pre DD). There were two people - one I had heard of before but not the other. When I asked who she was -- there was this pause --- that was the "unofficial" DDay for me.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
mitz66
Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, August 27th (Saturday)

My ws still works with mow. Her office was right beside his and his company gets referrals from her office. She moved offices(same company) and guess what...the referrals still come from her office.

He claimed it was just work related. I had a feeling and i VAR'd his office last month. I heard him on the phone, not work related calling her his baby and that he missed her. I looked up a lawyer, then confronted him. After 5 years of this crap he may be getting it.

The tone will definitely let you know. The expression will let you know, I knew I just did not really face it fully. He says he is committed to R, time will tell. I now tell him when I trigger, he does not like it but he is dealing with it.


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008
Agate
New Member
Member # 33038
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, August 27th (Saturday)

VAR the office is a good idea, I wonder where I could put it? I've been saying I want to put a few things up for him.

His voice sounds reverential, protective, awed almost when saying the co-workers name. It was the protective nuance that really jolted me.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2011
iowagirl32
Member
Member # 33200
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 30th (Tuesday)

Of course, since Im posting on this thread, the OW is a ho-worker (I love that term). It started when me and WH were having alot of problems, were very much not connected, so he figured he'd go find himself someone that would give him what he needed. He actively pursuded her, starting as "just friends" and gradually pushing their online talks to more intimate things. Thanks to a keylogger I installed on our home computer, I got to see all their "talks". We have had several D days, and more to follow as he's only confessed to what I had already figured out. I didnt tell him how I knew what I knew, and didnt confront him on everything. I didnt want him to know how I was getting this info, as spying seems to be the only way I ever get the truth. Since then, he has told her at least 3 times that they couldnt be together anymore, because he wanted to concentrate on fixing things with me. But, they both still wanted to be "friends". Predicitably, the A quickly resumed after only a few days. He tells me that he broke off all contact with her, other than when he has to talk to her for work reasons. He works in a auto parts plant in maintance, she is a press operator. But that is a lie, they were talking and still groping each other in his car after work. The past 2 weeks production hasn't been running as they are doing equipement overhalls, etc. WH is still working, but she is laid off for another 4 weeks. This past week he hasnt hardly spoken to her (online anyway) and when he has it was really brief and like they were just buddies. I've wondered if he figured out that Im able to track what he does online, though he hasnt changed his porn habits. When she comes back to work, I guess will be the true test. Since I know that the most often fooled around in his car, I have thought about putting a var in there to find out if its still going on. It just really really hurts that the one person that I believed would never hurt me or let me down could do something like this. When we started dating he kept telling me that "not all men are alike". True, some are worse.


Life is like a diaper. Sometimes its warm and comforting, sometimes its cold and wet. And sometimes, its just full of shit.


-------------------------------

Me - BW 41
Him - WH 49
DD 13
DS 10
M - 16 years, together for 21 years
D day -w


Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Iowa
mostlymine
Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, September 9th (Friday)

Wh still works with mow. He has lied about interactions with ho worker. He went to a training in the beginning of aug. He lied that she was also at this training. I then found a paper in the trash from that day that looks like he was writing notes to her. He lied and denied it was his all week. I finally got physical proof that she was at the training. He finally admitted he wrote it and that he talked to her because he wanted to be a decent person and find out how her mother was doing (she had surgery). Non work communication was a deal breaker. I can't believe he was willing to throw it all away for that! Unfortunately I backed down. I think I am getting to my breaking point.

In the beginning of October he has to go to Vegas for work. I asked if she was going he said no but mentioned some from a department was going. I think he might be lying. I'm thinking of asking him again. If he says no I'm tempted to ask his boss. If his boss says yes then our marriage is over. Is that unreasonable? If he can't tell me the truth then what is e point of staying married? I need so much help. I'm a sahm. Divorce will require me to go back to a horrible job, get rid of my dog (first pet), sell our home, move to a different city so I can have family around to help with the kids.

Why can't he put me and the marriage first? He is even saying he doesn't even know if he loves me or not! It has been over a month that he has felt this way!

[This message edited by mostlymine at 10:29 PM, September 10th (Saturday)]


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, September 10th (Saturday)

Hi honey

I'm so sorry. I know how it feels.

FWH works with OW2 and OW3. It is really hard sometimes but I have made myself a promise - I have promised myself that if I find out he has broken NC for other than work related issues then we are done. I will not live the rest of my life worrying.

The fact is our (F)WHs have deceived us, used and abused us. We have given them a chance. They showed how pathetic and weak they were in the past. If they want a future with us they have to prove they are worth it. My FWH has one chance and only one. If he blows it we are done.

I agree with your plan. If I was you I would make it clear to your WH. You are being given one chance. Only one. Say it loud and clear. Choose me or choose OWs. I will not have a H who isn't 100% in the M. Choose me now or fuck off!!!!! Have any more contact with her that is not work related and we are done.

I suspect he knows you are vulnerable. You are frightened of trying to manage with your kids alone. The bastard knows he has you over a barrel. Well honey he doesn't. YOU HAVE CHOICES!!! You will choose to go it alone rather than continue to be abused. Yes it will be shitty if he doesn't step up. It will be horrible trying to cope alone. But for me it would be more horrible wondering every time he goes to work what they are up to.

If he doesn't know if he loves you kick the stupid arsehole to the curb. He will always bring you grief.

HUGS honey

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iowagirl32
Member
Member # 33200
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, September 12th (Monday)

I agree with your plan. If I was you I would make it clear to your WH. You are being given one chance. Only one. Say it loud and clear. Choose me or choose OWs. I will not have a H who isn't 100% in the M. Choose me now or fuck off!!!!!

Yes! I love this one! I think that is the biggest mistake that I've made in all of this, I've been way to needy and hurt and that just gives him the room to keep up the EA. They aren't having a PA but he's still talkig to her as a "friend". I work 1st shift and he's on 2nd -which is part of our issues that led to the A. We have limited time together. In some ways it gives me a break from the stress, but I know that in the long run its not good for our M. I get to where I hate for him to go back to work after the weekends, because I know she will be there. I dont sleep well, and I dread when he has to work weekend because after work on on the weekends is when they would sit in his car and have make out / groping sessions. I know in my head that its not about me, its about him trying to find someone to make him feel good about himself. She's more than willing to sing his praises and Im not. But heart can't help but feel batter and brusied when he goes from making love to me, to get on the computer and either talk to the OW, look at porn, or both at the same time. I've thought about sending the OW some screen shots that show him talking to her while he's got porn going in the background. I hate feeling like he doesnt think Im worth being faithful to.


Life is like a diaper. Sometimes its warm and comforting, sometimes its cold and wet. And sometimes, its just full of shit.


-------------------------------

Me - BW 41
Him - WH 49
DD 13
DS 10
M - 16 years, together for 21 years
D day -w


Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Iowa
mostlymine
Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, October 6th (Thursday)

So I told wh the options about Vegas. When we talked he didn't hear the option of not going. He told me I was absolutely not going with him. Apparently he was afraid I would go crazy on her on the plane I don't know why he would think that

So i told him start looking for apartments. I posted about the Vegas issue and he read it and saw the option of not going. We talked it out. He didn't go! He is taking next week off to think about if he loves me or not and if he can stayed married to me when he feels he can't win any fights, fears I'll never get over the A, and etc. I'm really scared I feel he has been a little distant these last couple of days. I told him he needed not to be in our house while he thinks.

He did say if he stays he will quit his job because that's the only real way to insure NC. Which is another big fear... Not having work. I'm a Sahm and it's hard for him to find work somewhere else....he has been looking.


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, October 6th (Thursday)

Hi honey

He is taking next week off to think about if he loves me or not and if he can stayed married to me when he feels he can't win any fights, fears I'll never get over the A, and etc.

Oh poor pet. He needs time to think!!!

So he's looking at his options. Sweetie he needs to grow a pair. What a wimp.

Maybe during that time you need to let him mind the kids while you go and check out your options.

Se an attorney and while you are at it buy a nice new outfit, get your hair and nails done, maybe a facial and professional makeup. Do something to make you feel good about yourself.

If he comments you may like to use my line. I did similar stuff and when he finally asked I told him "Well I have to get myself in shape for when I go back on the market. Unless you can keep it in your pants I'll have to start looking at MY options. I'm sure there's a nice FAITHFUL widower out there who'd love to have a FAITHFUL partner like me".

Don't let the bastard get you down.

Stay strong honey.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iowagirl32
Member
Member # 33200
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 12th (Wednesday)

This crap really sucks huh? I've struggled and struggled, feeling so unsure of myself and my M. Even though the PA ended, he was still talking to the OW on breaks, still chatting with her online after work, but now they are "just friends". Now she actually got a different job so they are no longer ho-workers! I should be happym, right? In a way I am, but yet - Im not. Because they are STILL talking online! Things like how it hurts to be apart, but that they both know its for the best. So he can keep working on his M. Ha! Im so sick of pretending like I don't know whats still going on. He's still lying, still hiding things from me. Now I wonder who he will get lined up to be his new gf. He seems to be content to accept that the "why" for his cheating was because of the problems in our M at the time this latest one started up. That might be part of it, but I sure as hell dont buy that it is the only reason. A's are always more about the WS than anything or anyone else. I know exactly who the OW is, but neither of them know that I know. (courtsey of a keylogger on our home computer) Im seriously considering writing her a f-off letter and informing my WH that I know all about it. I can't live this way. I might have been born at night, but it wasnt last night.


Life is like a diaper. Sometimes its warm and comforting, sometimes its cold and wet. And sometimes, its just full of shit.


-------------------------------

Me - BW 41
Him - WH 49
DD 13
DS 10
M - 16 years, together for 21 years
D day -w


Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Iowa
beenthere2?
Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, October 14th (Friday)

I agree with your plan. If I was you I would make it clear to your WH. You are being given one chance. Only one. Say it loud and clear. Choose me or choose OWs. I will not have a H who isn't 100% in the M. Choose me now or fuck off!!!!! Have any more contact with her that is not work related and we are done.
I agree with this. I used to feel physically sick and shake when I knew they were going to be working together (12 hours overnight and a lot of places to find alone time). After months of verifying that there was no issues that I could track (work talk I can't see) I came up with a plan for me and told it to him.

Basically it is my escape plan. I have my steps to leave him/kick him out if there is even the appearance of inappropriate contact with a female or non related work discussion with ho-worker.

I feel more free. I can't control what he does, but I can control my reaction and I have a plan.


I posted about the Vegas issue and he read it and saw the option of not going. We talked it out. He didn't go!
This is a great thing!

He is taking next week off to think about if he loves me or not and if he can stayed married to me when he feels he can't win any fights, fears I'll never get over the A, and etc.
This may be WH speak for, will she forgive me? Can I not be a douche-bag? Am I willing to put in the work?


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, October 15th (Saturday)

Hi

it is my escape plan. I have my steps to leave him/kick him out if there is even the appearance of inappropriate contact with a female or non related work discussion with ho-worker.

I too have my escape plan. And you know what I am excited about it!!!

I have decided that if we D I will sell all our assets. We don't have a lot but if we sell them I will be free.

I plan to go and live in the south of France (I am a French teacher in Australia).

So my plan is to go and rent a little cottage in the south of France. Get work somewhere teaching English (I'm highly qualified!), go down to the village each day and have coffee and chat with the locals. Sit on the veranda and enjoy the sounds and the view.

I think it is so important to have a plan. At the moment I am happy to stay in the M. But if he cheats again I am outta here!!!

I have plan. I know I can be happy again.

I hope you all have a plan!!!

Hugs

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iowagirl32
Member
Member # 33200
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 17th (Monday)

Im not sure I have an whole Plan, but I do have a seperate checking and savings accounts set up. I put half our savings in my account. I made out list of things I'd need to do. Take his name off the credit cards, drop him off my cell phone plan, etc.

Its is comforting, even thought right now I want us to really really R and stay together.

His ho-worker got another job, so I thought I'd be all happy. But they are still chatting online, and he literally drives past her house everyday during his commute to and from work. Then on friday, the OW stopped by at his work to visit all her "old friends".

ARRGGHH! Will ever really be over?


Life is like a diaper. Sometimes its warm and comforting, sometimes its cold and wet. And sometimes, its just full of shit.


-------------------------------

Me - BW 41
Him - WH 49
DD 13
DS 10
M - 16 years, together for 21 years
D day -w


Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Iowa
hating2009
New Member
Member # 26995
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, October 17th (Monday)

I am sooooo happy. It finally happened that they don't work together anymore. He had an opportunity to leave and he did and I cant even begin to express the level of relief this has finally let me experience. It has been a hellish almost 3 years and I am just thrilled that maybe finally I can begin to relax a little.


DDay 3/15/09. WH had EA with Coworker. 2 kids. Married 12 years. Working on R

Posts: 19 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: PA
spareparts
Member
Member # 33434
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, October 18th (Tuesday)

I feel everyone's pain here but enjoy the good news at times!

My WW works with OM, she is his boss! She says though he has applied for a transfer, but no date has been given. She also is applying for other jobs. It kills me that she has to work with him every day, she says they keep it all business. But she also says she hates the fact that it is all business and longs for more.

Its only been 3 weeks since we decided to try and work it out, but i can't see her getting over him whilst they work together and she won't acknowledge any bad points of him! Though she may be slowly realising he just used her as he has gone back to his partner and does not seem bothered about my WW in the slightest.

Doesnt help me but might force her to see what she has got! Still she has a job interview on thursday so knows she needs to leave!


Posts: 515 | Registered: Sep 2011
beenthere2?
Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, November 27th (Sunday)

Stupid holiday screwed up the schedule and he had to work with ho-worker last night. It has thrown me for a loop today. I have been doing great, but with major Dday anitversary in a couple of days and working with her last night, I am a mess.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
tuscandreamer
Member
Member # 17406
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, November 27th (Sunday)

((beenthere2?))

I understand the setback you are having.

My WH sees the xMOW every day at work. She lives in our neighbourhood and her young child will probably end up going to my children's school.

Even worse, she could possibly end up teaching my oldest in a couple of years.

This has seriously impacted the road to reconciliation.


BS 46
WH 43
Dday #1 6/20/07, Dday #2 (different OW) 5/16/09
3 DDs (14, 9, 6)
Reconciling...

Posts: 482 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
tuscandreamer
Member
Member # 17406
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, November 27th (Sunday)

((beenthere2?))

I understand the setback you are having.

My WH sees the xMOW every day at work. She lives in our neighbourhood and her young child will probably end up going to my children's school.

Even worse, she could possibly end up teaching my oldest in a couple of years.

This has seriously impacted the road to reconciliation.


BS 46
WH 43
Dday #1 6/20/07, Dday #2 (different OW) 5/16/09
3 DDs (14, 9, 6)
Reconciling...

Posts: 482 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
Thera77
Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 30th (Wednesday)

Wanted to check in and see how everyone is gearing up for or dealing with the impending work holiday parties.

FWH texted me this morning that they will be getting 'substantial' bonuses at the company Christmas party this year. Our choices are go to the party to get this unknown bonus - on a day that FWH is already taking vacation time to help with a project we run at church - or wait for them to mail whatever it is after the holiday. I'm fine going to the stupid party but not excited. Ho-worker is out for surgery. Is it wrong that I hope it hurts alot? So OW may not be there, but I'll still have to face all of the jerks who knew about and encouraged the A and who gossiped about it afterwards. Left it up to FWH to decide whether we went or not and he doesn't want to go. Turns out he no longer likes the people he works with. Yay!!

So I don't have to worry about getting all dolled up to deal with all of that stress after working 7 hours straight with our volunteers. But I will have to figure out what to make for dinner that night.


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
sandy78
Member
Member # 34958
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, March 9th (Friday)

Yep, my WH has been having an A with a coworker. They started communicating outside of work just a few weeks after we found out we were finally pregnant (had been trying for 6 months). I really don't know how I'll handle them working together if we R. Just seems impossible.


Me: 34
WH: 35
DS: Born 11/2011
D-Day: 2/26/2012
Divorcing...

If someone wants to be with you, there's nothing you can do to make them go. If someone doesn't want to be with you, there's nothing you can do to make them stay.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Feb 2012
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, March 14th (Wednesday)

Hi Sandy

Just sending hugs.

I find it very hard to deal with him working with his OWs.

I am doing this but it is very hard at times.

This thread can be a bit quiet at times.

Just letting you know you've been heard.

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:50 AM, March 14th (Wednesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
TodayisMine
Member
Member # 29740
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, March 15th (Thursday)

Hi Sandy,

Don't put the pressure on yourself to "handle" it. Be true to your feelings and honest with them to your WS.

Your comfort level will ebb and flow over time on this subject and is more about your WS then the OP.

With time you start to realize that your WS was broken and the AP was really not a significant factor in the choice of self destruction, they were just a tool. They were simply there and broken enough themselves to go along. Nobody held a gun to anybody's head. Choices were made and that is what it is.

As far as them working together, your WS is committed to your marriage and fixing what is broken inside or he isn't. If he is, the AP in question is not a threat to your current relationship because he will do what is necessary to protect what he values. If he is not, then does it really matter who he is working with?

Don't give the ho-worker this power over you. You will be torturing yourself. Be clear what your deal-breakers are. Then it's up to him to honor them and you to uphold them - she is no longer a part of the equation.


Either we are trustworthy or we are not. As Tom Peters said, "There is no such thing as a minor lapse of integrity."

Posts: 66 | Registered: Sep 2010
Lolati11
Member
Member # 34915
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 2nd (Monday)

Am so glad I found this topic my WH still work with the OW who by the way was a so called good friend it really kills me especially that I know they have to work pretty damn close at times now they have a mandatory meeting once a week that my WH is in charge for and OW is representing her department I don't know how to deal with it .WH husband assures me that he doesn't care a nit about her but I say well you did enough to have a one night stand ? Things will be so much better if she gets the fuck out of there arghhhh...


Me:33
Him: 50
OW: a monster that I called friend before
D-Day:June 20,2011


You made a fool out of me and she made a fool out of you


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2012
caliRN
New Member
Member # 35186
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, April 5th (Thursday)

I'm new to these boards and so glad that I found them. My WH had been lying about his friendships with the women he works with (Which I wouldn't have cared about until I found out that he was hiding it). I was told he does he own thing at work and only works with them... little did I know he was joking around, going out to lunch, and going to trade shows with them and not telling me. One girl in particular made me uncomfortable because I had met her at a Christmas party and just got a readily bad vibe... not to mention that my insecurities were through the roof with what was actually going on at that office. Anyways the girl that made me uncomfortable ended up becoming my WH's assistant (ugh!). I tried to look at the fact that she's 4 years younger (which is a big deal when he's 25) and the fact that he's still with me and trying to be honest with me...supposedly.

We went through a really rough time D/T my insecurities which was my fault in all of this because I should have worked past it and gotten the help I needed then. But he ended up going to live with a friend and was intending to leave me. We spent a few weeks apart and we managed to come to the conclusion we would work things out. From that day on I trusted him 1000% and never questioned what he told me or anything. Things were great between us for about 6 months.

Then one night I was using his computer to do a project and came across a video.... you can guess what was on that video..... I was livid. I also came to realize that this was 3 weeks AFTER we decided to get back together. I was so lost and confused and hurt. With some soul searching and a lot of talking and yelling at each other we decided we are together for better and for worse. So here we are trying to make things last.

He still works at that company with the OW. He has been promoted though and doesn't work directly with her everyday but is technically "her boss". Luckily there is another woman that kinda acts like the middle man. But I still am having the hardest time with this. I want to believe that after everything he wouldn't continue to lie to me. But this whole situation has made me so insecure that I can't stand the thought of him being with any of the other women he works with either. I really don't know how to move past this... especially while he is still there. Im hoping when he gets a new job it will be better and we will finally begin to be able to move forward. Right now I just have no trust in him or the OW and can't stand the thought of her and him being in meetings let alone the same building together. I do believe that he is completely over it and theres nothing there anymore but knowing she is there reopens that wound 5 days a week.

All this happened almost a year ago. I feel we should be further along in our healing process by now. This may sound immature but I really want to know that the OW knows how much she has put me and my WH through. Did any of you contact the OW? I haven't but it does cross my mind from time to time to get me some closure with all this.

Thanks for letting me vent!


Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2012
Hera
Member
Member # 35235
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

My WH works with OW too. He's owner/boss and she reports to him. I actually freelance for the company and work on a project that directly involves her. Since D-day I haven't had any contact with her, no phone calls, no emails. I told him I never ever want to hear her voice again.

Firing her is not an option without risk of a sexual harassment lawsuit. He'd have to step down from day to day operations if other owners found out, and lose his salary and I would lose my income.

Supposedly she's leaving in June or September to pursue some type of education. That better be true!

I did consider blowing the whistle on him an her, but decided against that, even though part of me really would like some type of retribution!


ETA:
It is hard on me that she has more access to him during the day. I know when she's away from her desk through her IM client and when it coincides with WH being away from his desk too, my thoughts start spinning. I purposely turn things off at times to keep myself sane!

[This message edited by Hera at 4:56 PM, April 5th (Thursday)]


D-Day: Feb 2012
Me BS
WH --> OW half his age - an employee
3 kids (1 ours 2 his)

Posts: 170 | Registered: Apr 2012
caliRN
New Member
Member # 35186
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

It's been nice be able to read everyone's story and know that I'm crazy for feeling the way I do.

I was wondering, what little tricks to you all do to help your mind from going crazy everyday your WH is at work? I could use some advice and tips. Thanks!


Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2012
Jinger
New Member
Member # 35255
Angry  Posted: 12:35 PM, April 6th (Friday)

7. Take necessary steps to ensure that the A is over. Having your WS write a No Contact letter to the OP is a very healthy first step towards healing and recovery.

I’m stuck here. It seems that only an act of God can fix the tangled mess that WS and OW have caused. And yes, I do believe that God can work a miracle.
WS and OW are bound by contract by the state we reside in to complete a project. If WS quits his job he will not be able to work in this capacity in this state again. OW, on the other hand, would be able to continue to function at her level should she quit this job.
Corporation employing both WS and OW was prepared to fire them both upon discovery of the A. A was made known to corporation months before it was made known to me. Corporate did not fire both of them due to the almighty dollar. Now the two of them are working in an office that is miles away from direct supervision. Corporate seems to have their fingers in their ears shouting LA LA LA. Corporate requests that I stay out of the office when OW is there, in order to keep OW from filing a law suit against WS or more importantly THEM.
I am not willing (at this point) to demand that WS quit his job and ruin his career. I will not take responsibility for that and have him blame me forevermore. Also, at the advice of my attorney I am staying far away from OW as to give her NO AMMUNITION to use against me.
I do not know how I can live for the next 18+ months with the two of them working side by side.
I don’t know what to do so I pray.


Married 21 years if we make it to next month.
Me BW 57 y/o
Him WH 49 y/o
D Day 2/2/2012

Posts: 6 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Eastern United States
lostsuol
Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, April 6th (Friday)

{{{Zinger}}}

Is the A over? Prayer and the 180 will give you strength.

The Healing Library has good advice.

The OW doesn't work directly with my H any longer but another company that he does business with and it still worries me when he's working overtime hours but I've accepted that I can't control his actions, only mine so I come to SI for support.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Jinger
New Member
Member # 35255
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, April 6th (Friday)

Is the A over? Prayer and the 180 will give you strength.

He claims, she claims the A is over. We are both in IC and MC. So early in R, I know. Not sure it is even recovery yet. There has been no #7 letter. They work side by side every day. She is very dependant on him to do her job. He is a professional and she is managing a project that he is in charge of.

His IC has him working on his "letter" to me, whatever that is.

I posted in this thread b/c I had to begin somewhere.


Married 21 years if we make it to next month.
Me BW 57 y/o
Him WH 49 y/o
D Day 2/2/2012

Posts: 6 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Eastern United States
Jinger
New Member
Member # 35255
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, April 7th (Saturday)

The BS should be able to have full access to the work facilities and company gatherings either at the work place or after work.

The BS should be made to feel comfortable and safe within the WS work environment.

Guess that I may have shot myself in the foot on this one but right now I have no regrets for what I have done.

To explain:
March 15,I went to the office of my WH and the OW and confronted her, behind closed doors in his office with him present. No

she said, she said
I wanted WS to hear it all.

Two weeks later I sent her a text telling her that I had not forgotten and that I was too kind to her. I told her she was pathetic and weak. I told her she was a parasitic oportunist. I told her that I would not be kind to her again.

An hour later my WS called me out of a meeting I was attending. We met at a nearby lake. She had called a corporate manager and planned to file an injunction (restraining order) against me. I agreed to not call, text, etc. her again. I did this b/c I have NO emotional energy to WASTE on her. I also had to agree not to go into the office when she was there. If I wish to see my WS I must phone and have him meet me in the parking lot.

At the time of the confrontation I spelled out clear boundaries such as, NO riding in the truck together to inspect the job, NO lunch for any reason together.

WS has not written a NC letter to her. We are still trying to feel our ways through the murky mess WS has gotten us into. We do each see IC and MC.

Like I said before, I don't know how I am going to live the next year and a half with the two of them working in a small building with no supervision. In reality there is one other person who is consistantly in the building with them. I feel so badly for that poor woman. She has had to witness the long A (5 years), the day I confronted them, and now this process of R.

How did others of you handle tough situations like mine?


Married 21 years if we make it to next month.
Me BW 57 y/o
Him WH 49 y/o
D Day 2/2/2012

Posts: 6 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Eastern United States
lotsofhope
Member
Member # 31461
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, April 18th (Wednesday)

WS here. PA with a co-worker. One and a half year into R. I still work with OM. The ONLY way this works is that that several things are in my marriage's favor. One, my BH knows the A is over. He warned OM not to ever come near me.
Two, we don't need to have any contact. We are only in the same room(s) but not directly interacting. And finally, the most important, the OM is not breaking nc. Either bc he is afraid of my BH or over the A himself or a combination of the two.
I will not lie, it is not easy. The feelings of the affair although lessened could all surface again if OM disrespected nc. I have had to be completely transparent with BH. I tell him when days are hard for me bc the ghost of the affair is still around. I am reminded of it everyday. The only help is that I work in a fast paced environment and have no time to dwell on it. My BH comes to meet me for lunch almost everyday. We are not currently in mc but have made such great strides. I would not mind more mc but it brings up too muchnof the A for him. At any time if he asked me to quit I would. He also asks that I decide if the situ becomes too hard to bear. And somedays I think it is. Then it gets better. You see, the problem with working with xAP is that the WS stays mentally in the affair way longer than necessary. And if one of the collaborators breaks nc, who knows what could happen. No matter what the situ or how the A ended, it is gut wrenching.
If I were a bs, I don't think I could handle it. I think the only reason my BH can is bc he believes in me deep down. Even though I broke his trust and shattered what he thought was a perfect marriage. Our mc showed us we are committed to each other. Within the first months after dday BH described our fall out as if I had been in a near- fatal car wreck. Luckily I survived, but I needed rehab. He decided to help me through it. And I did the work and am still doing it. Without his support of me working there and without his gut feeling that he can trust me it couldn't work.
I hope my post doesn't seem insensitive as most of the posts in this forum are from the betrayed. Just know this, it is extremely difficult even with all the good things going in our favor. If any doubt of your ws's commitment, it may not be a good idea. Of course, my BH sometimes thinks, she lied before why couldn't see lie again. But he sees the change in our marriage, he sees me full disclosure, warts and all. What's enlightening is that I trusted the posts here to bare all my thoughts to him and he tried to understand. Sure to this day, he doesn't understand how I could have betrayed him and myself by participating in immoral behavior. But he is loving me through it, in spite of it. And through that I see him in a way I never saw him before. I knew he was a good husband and a good man. But now I see him as a saint. His gift of forgiveness and unconditional support is something I would never want to squander.
Good luck to all of you. It's tough but a good marriage is worth it. Trust your gut if your spouse is a good work situ or a hostile one.


WW (me) 48
BH (him) 52
Married 25 years
DDay #1 12/20/10
DDay #2 1/10/11

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2011
TarheelMom
Member
Member # 35726
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)

I've read through part of these pages... it is so hard for me that WH still works with OW. He has made it clear that he does not want any contact that is not business related. He did this before I even knew about the A, when he ended it. She continues to find reasons to come see him, ask him questions (that she could ask anyone), etc. He says he cuts her off and does not engage in conversation with her. I believe he does this. He is now telling me anytime he has any contact with her. But I am sure he is still being professional and at least borderline polite.

It is so hard for me to move past this as long as I know she is still trying to at least keep her foot in the door. He swears that she isn't, and that he is done with her even if she wanted to start things up again (which I believe, as much as I can at this point). But as long as they are even working at the same company, much less the same building, in my mind it still isn't "over."

Every other aspect of R is going fine. It is just this one little (BIG) thing.

What he does do for me:
- Sends me text and picture messages at least every 30 minutes all day
- Calls me often to see how I am and to say hi
- Has taken me into his work on the weekend and made it a safe place for me, made me feel welcome, and just let me be there-- helped a lot!
- Lets me check his work phone anytime I want; he says he is not deleting any messages from it at all. I want to believe him and have no proof that he is... but this one will take time for me to completely trust, I think.

He cannot leave his job at this time, so that isn't an option. Me attempting to get her fired (which I have dreamed about and planned so elaborately!) would just come back to bite him, too, and would only be revenge and anger on my part. I will not allow her worthlessness to push me to that point.

Anyway. Just wanted to share where I am with this. Anyone with wonderful successful ways to cope with this, please share.


Me: BW

Posts: 251 | Registered: Jun 2012
lifesabeach
Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, July 20th (Friday)

My H worked with the FOW and that is not going to change. When he knows he is going to be in the area and have to speak with her. He calls me on his cell and leaves it on. I can then hear for myself what is being said. It helped me. I know that some offices don't allow cell phones. He just left it in his shirt pocket. The downside is it isn't always completely clear but you can get a good idea of what is being said.


R'd

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
Keepcalm
Member
Member # 36234
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, August 12th (Sunday)

I have made it a point to be at his work weekly for lunch. Let it be known that I am present and committed.


BS Me 54
WS Him 52
Married 29 yrs
DDay 1/28/2012
Divorcing

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Virginia
whoismywife
Member
Member # 37309
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)

Office Christmas Parties

My WW has turned down 5 invitations to attend Christmas parties with various company departments and service providers to avoid the chance of being alone with her AP. Now her own department is organizing its Christmas party (a dinner at a restaurant) and my WW wants to go so that she is still viewed by her colleagues and boss as a "team player". She feels she will either get fired for her poor attitude (or some other made-up reason) or if she gets laid off she will not get a good reference and will burn bridges.

I don't want her to go to the office Christmas party because, as far as I know, no one in her office knows about the A and the AP will be at the party and as is typical of her company, spouses are not invited to the party! This company breeds infidelity.

We will bring this up with a MC tomorrow. I'll try to remember to post the advice I get.


BH me, 32; WW her, 30; Daughter, 3 yrs old
Married 4 yrs; Together 9 yrs; Reconciling (Not Going Well)
D-Day 09/30/12; PA

Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Ontario, Canada
lostsuol
Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)

Whoismywife: Waiting to hear about your MC session discussing your WW attending the Christmas party that you know will include the OM...

My WH is the manager of his workplace so has had no choice but to attend company parties... he is the host! So far OW has not attended any functions since Dday but the weeks and days before each event were very stressful (WH did not understand this, which made it much harder as I questioned him about her RSVP) but I still dread them.

I don't know if any of the staff are aware of the 3 yr LTA or not but truly cannot believe that nothing 'showed' between them at the workplace as my WH insists is the case. She still works there on a seasonal basis and as he nears retirement there is no hope of this changing.

It's been nice be able to read everyone's story and know that I'm crazy for feeling the way I do

Sending hugs to all BSs who are in this unenviable position {{{}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
whoismywife
Member
Member # 37309
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, November 22nd (Thursday)

Last night at MC we asked should my WW attend her office Christmas party.

The MC seemed to side with my WW on the issue of the need to appear like a team-player and to not burn bridges. The MC offered the solution that maybe I could pick her up at the restaurant at the end of the night. Well that's all well and good, but what are they doing before the dinner or in the bathroom at the restaurant?

Basically, I got noticeably upset in the session about my wife going to this intimate little dinner situation with just 7 co-workers, one of which is her AP so my wife volunteered not to go.

She gave in on this one and I gave up on my suggestion that we notify the AP's SO. More on that topic here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=478035&AP=21

I'm pleased that my WW is not going to the Christmas dinner, but I'm still a little annoyed that she only gave in because it upsets me so much and not because she understands that she should avoid any and all situations possible where she and her AP will be together, alone or not.

She can't quit her job right now, and she and the AP work in the same office on Wednesdays (hump day!) so that situation is unavoidable until she can find a new job, but a Christmas party with just a handful of co-workers is totally unnecessary especially if it's just to keep up the appearance of being a team-player. The only team she should care about right now is the one that she and I are on - our family's team.

The MC made the case that if my WW's boss is truly annoyed about my wife not attending the party and finds a way to fire her, we could find ourselves in financial trouble which would only make our R more of a challenge. The MC also said that if my WW's co-workers start to resent her for skipping all the after work events it could make things tense for her at work which would make her unhappy and she could become upset with me for causing the situtation - again, bad for the R. I really think both of these situations are highly unlikely, especially if my WW makes up valid reasons for not being able to attend. Honestly, just coming clean and telling everyone that we are working hard to fix our marriage should be understandable.


BH me, 32; WW her, 30; Daughter, 3 yrs old
Married 4 yrs; Together 9 yrs; Reconciling (Not Going Well)
D-Day 09/30/12; PA

Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Ontario, Canada
jojo42
Member
Member # 37583
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, November 24th (Saturday)

This is the situation I am in...when she started working there and I started hearing her name, I told my friends I was worried about her...he talked about her to me like they were old friends and I just had a bad feeling...I know there was an EA and suspect more, but have no proof.

I have spoken with her and she was very rude and annoyed that I was upset, but assured me they were "just friends" who were maybe being a little inappropriate. Now she is in a new relationship (hope he doesn't cheat on her-karma is a b***h!) but they work together every day AND go to school together 3 nights a week!! I now the program at school is important for his career but how the hell am I supposed to be ok with this after everything?? It eats me up...


Me: 30, BS
Him: 30, WH
Married: 1 year, together for 7 years
1st child due in Sept 2013
DDay: 09/02/12, 09/22/12 admitted to EA ,false R, then 06/02/13 found out about PA & EA with same woman (OW is a coworker)
Hoping for R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Nov 2012
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, November 25th (Sunday)

Hugs to all of you in this situation. My WS works with the OW as well. He has to work with her on occasion and travel with her. Opportunity abounds!

He admits to only an EA and doesn't much admit to that even. He travels in the next two weeks and will be with her.
Not sure how I will deal.

I have an IC and I am working on me at this point. It is the only thing I can control. I am trying to make myself strong so that I can walk if there is ever a next time. I am slowly getting there.

Let's keep this thread moving.


Me BS 42
Him WS 44
OW Coworker
DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl


Posts: 1302 | Registered: Jun 2012
whoismywife
Member
Member # 37309
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, November 27th (Tuesday)

jojo42

he talked about her to me like they were old friends

Exactly the same as my WW. She had only been at the company 4 months when she started referring to him as "my friend D___". Alarm bells should have gone off for me but I trusted her and never really got jealous. She told me that she took my lack of jealousy almost as a sign that I didn't really care what she did. What a f'd up thought process.

they work together every day AND go to school together 3 nights a week!!

Again, very much the same situation. My WW and her AP were taking the same course through work and would make plans to meet up to prepare for the exams. This was also one of the lies I was told regarding my WW's numerous text messages to her AP. "I'm just asking him something about our course."


BH me, 32; WW her, 30; Daughter, 3 yrs old
Married 4 yrs; Together 9 yrs; Reconciling (Not Going Well)
D-Day 09/30/12; PA

Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Ontario, Canada
Luvmustbtuf
New Member
Member # 36661
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, November 27th (Tuesday)

My spouse works with the AP as well. I checked cell phone records and it seems like he sits at work in the parking lot and talks to her. Then, calls me on the way home to make it seem like he has less contact/no contact with her (for months he stopped calling me after he got off work and then started again recently).

My spidey senses have been going off today. Yes, he called after he got off work supposedly, but our conversation was 20 minutes when it's normally 15. 15 minutes to get home from work, 20 minutes from where she lives.

He doesn't know I figured out the password to his cell account nor does he realize i figured out where she lives.

Right now, I'm struggling as I desperately want to turn them both in to HR. Has anyone turned in the spouse and AP to HR? What were the results?


Me: BS 29
Him: WS 29
No Kids
DDay: 1/18/12 - my bday
Still in limbo. Ho-worker still lurks.

Together 6 years, married 2 almost 3
EA, turned PA??
"There are 7 billion people on this planet living happily without you. I can be one of those


Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2012
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, November 27th (Tuesday)

(((Luvsmustbtuf)))

Keep getting information. Are you seeing that he is calling her from his cell? Can you put a gps on his phone? Find my phone works great on an iPhone.

I have not turned in my WH and AP but only because I do not have proof of anything physical. If I did, I would strongly consider it although I am sure my WH would be the one who would be punished. I think it depends on how strict the company is...

I have seen a few people who have done this. Some only got a slap on wrist. Others seemed to lose their job. Make sure you can handle the financial ramifications if you decide to do this.

I know of another couple who's husband contacted HR, her direct boss, and higher management. Nothing happened to her, but I do know her AP soon left the company. Although I do not know if he left because he was R'ing with his wife and she made him or the company did.

The WW who worked for my husband at the time said that they were making plans to be together and be married. This story means something different to me now than when I first heard it. I wonder now if the WH telling her they could be together was just part of the fog.

Anyway, keep posting. Let us know what you find.

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 8:49 PM, November 27th (Tuesday)]


Me BS 42
Him WS 44
OW Coworker
DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl


Posts: 1302 | Registered: Jun 2012
Luvmustbtuf
New Member
Member # 36661
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, December 1st (Saturday)

@brokensmile322 - Unfortunately, his phone and computer are password protected and he won't give me the passwords. Fortunately, I've figured out the pw to his cell phone account and he talks to her at every opportunity when I'm not around.

He is her boss. Before he changed his facebook pw I had caught that she posted pics of them in a city in another state. They had apparently taken a day trip together and he tried to make sure to be home in time so I wouldn't find out.

I think the pics of them together, phone records, etc may be enough for me to turn in to HR. I also have VAR but I'm not sure if that's something I should turn in to HR.

In any case, I could pay the bills (the necessary ones). I had already planned to be living on my own anyway. If he were to lose his job, I couldn't and wouldn't pay for his cell phone, his truck, his rental house. He would lose it all unless one of family members offered to help. I definitely want her fired and I don't care that she's a single mom with kids to care for. Her ex cheated on her so I just think she's looking to pick up a new hubby.

Sorry, but I have no sympathy for either one of them.


Me: BS 29
Him: WS 29
No Kids
DDay: 1/18/12 - my bday
Still in limbo. Ho-worker still lurks.

Together 6 years, married 2 almost 3
EA, turned PA??
"There are 7 billion people on this planet living happily without you. I can be one of those


Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2012
Thera77
Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, December 1st (Saturday)

Sorry, but I have no sympathy for either one of them.

Nor should you! And if ho-worker isn't worried about feeding her kids, neither should you be. Honestly when I reported FWH and COW, nothing happened to them. Actually the HR lady decided to gossip about it instead of DOING something about it. Great company.

In your case however, since your WH is the ho-worker's boss, I think he could get into some serious trouble. Provided that fraternization is explicitly against company policy. While I would probably share he phone records and pics on a day when they both obviously called out - fraudulently, I would probably keep the VAR close to the vest too.

It's so frustrating that you don't have access to all of WH's accounts and he still thinks he's getting away with something. Have you considered what your requirements for R might be? Have you consulted a lawyer to determine what your rights would be in the event of a D? (((Luvmustbtuf)))

[This message edited by Thera77 at 6:10 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, December 4th (Tuesday)

Sorry Luv,

Sounds like he is still in the middle of the A. Have you confronted? Does he know you know or are you still in gathering stage? It might be time to get a PI if you can afford it. Especially if he is doing things with her and she is taking photos.

Does he know you know about that? I would keep my information close to the vest until I was done investigating. I know it is hard and something I did not know to do.

If he is not being transparent, he is hiding something. Does his phone get work email as well? Just a thought..


Me BS 42
Him WS 44
OW Coworker
DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl


Posts: 1302 | Registered: Jun 2012
Luvmustbtuf
New Member
Member # 36661
Angry  Posted: 5:12 PM, December 6th (Thursday)

Yes, I did ask the pics I found on her facebook, but he just sat there and said nothing.

What I have found out he doesn't know about and I'm not ready to confront yet. I'm still in the gathering information stage, but I'm wondering if it's just pointless now since I know what's going on and he's not being transparent. Yes, work emails go to his phone.

The only part that I blame on myself is that I've rug swept this way too much and for way too long.


Me: BS 29
Him: WS 29
No Kids
DDay: 1/18/12 - my bday
Still in limbo. Ho-worker still lurks.

Together 6 years, married 2 almost 3
EA, turned PA??
"There are 7 billion people on this planet living happily without you. I can be one of those


Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2012
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, December 7th (Friday)

Luvmustbtuf

I would probably keep the VAR close to the vest too.

Me too. Not sure how legal it is and it is also an important source for you. If he magically gets his head out... and decides to R (and you agree of course) it will give you security.

FWH STILL doesn't know about my VAR. Sadly he found the GPS in his car. Oops! But I bought him a nice new iphone for Christmas last year. He is very technologically illiterate so I helped him set it up

The only part that I blame on myself is that I've rug swept this way too much and for way too long.

NEVER blame yourself for any crap associated with HIS infidelity. You did your best in a shitty sich.

Stay strong.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
brokensoul75
New Member
Member # 41473
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

My H had an affair with his supervisor. She is married with a toddler. He can't transfer, finding a new job is out of the question.

I REALLY want to out her anonymously to HR, and keep his name out of it, if I can. But if it comes back to him, he could also lose his job, and that would screw me and the children. I am really angry at this situation and I do blame HER for taking advantage of him and her position in the company. I'm pretty sure it was illegal, and if it came out, there could be a lawsuit because of an unrelated incident in which someone got fired and H only got a written warning.

I just don't know what to do. I can't STAND that they still work together. It drives me INSANE.


Me BS-38
Him WH-37
Married 15 yrs, together 20
3 children, 14, 12, 9

OW- his supervisor
She's married with a young child
A- Jul. 2013
D-Day: Aug. 4, 2013

Trying for R...


Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: New England
greengiant
Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, December 13th (Friday)

brokensoul75, My WW also can't change her job in short term. It is also driving me crazy. They don't work together, but I know for sure that the OM is trying to contact her. I do not know what to do also, but reading this forum is not giving me too much hope. I fear that if she don't change her job, either me will go nuts or she'll fall for him again...


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 141 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
spond
Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

My WW works with the OM. She doesn't have direct contact with him everyday and does a good job telling me about it when they do. They are on 2 different ends of the corporate ladder, he is towards the bottoms as an hourly, and she is in management.

Don't get me wrong... I HATE every piece of it. It bothers me daily and until either he leaves or my WW gets a new job, I don't think true R is possible for me.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013
greengiant
Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Spondée, I under stand whatever you mean. Since the last time I wrote, she showed me all the failed attempts he made to contact her. She is also updating me when he is nearby. But we are home for the next 2 weeks, and I ma clearly better knowing that he is not around.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 141 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, December 25th (Wednesday)

The OW works for my husband. They have very little contact since I found out about their EA. She pretty much answers to me now. It hasn't been easy the past 8 months. As of last Sunday, she is gone...well, kind of. She's going on maternity leave for 3 months! Yay! I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders!!! I can't explain the difference in me! I have laughed more the past few days than I have in months. I hope the next 3 months will give me the time I need to heal without having to see her, talk to her, hear her name. I don't worry about anything going on between them anymore but I still struggle with jealousy and anger.

Posts: 482 | Registered: Jul 2013
Luvmustbtuf
New Member
Member # 36661
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

@spond....I agree. True R will never be possible as long as they work together.

But even if they no longer work together, who is to say that one day another coworker will come along to "fall in love" with?


Me: BS 29
Him: WS 29
No Kids
DDay: 1/18/12 - my bday
Still in limbo. Ho-worker still lurks.

Together 6 years, married 2 almost 3
EA, turned PA??
"There are 7 billion people on this planet living happily without you. I can be one of those


Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2012
myeverafter
Member
Member # 41012
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

fWH still works with MOW. Right now, they normally don't work the same daytime shifts. (MOW does the schedule. I never asked for it, but I think her BS is.)

fWH has a chance to work nights - 1 week on/1 week off and the hours would be from 8 pm to 7 am for 5 days and then 9 pm to 7 am for the weekend.

I think "everything" is ended (can I ever really know), but that would give him a week off when I am at work M-F 8 am to 5 pm. (Most encounters where when they both had days off during the week. (Nice that she made the schedule...))

I just don't know much more that would mess my my life. I would be getting the kids on the bus ever y morning and getting them to bed every night on the weeks that he works. I don't know how much that will screw up his body/mind.

I just don't know of the pro out weigh the cons. I guess I need to put them all out on paper.

Pros
1. he would have more limited contact with OW.
2. he would be able to be around more in the afternoons.
3. may be a little more $$$.
4. Sort of guaranteed every other weekend off. that varies now. Sometime work every weekend, sometimes every other or every 3rd.

Cons.
1. Not sure what that would do to his body switching things around.
2. It would be harder for me on the weeks he works to get kids ready for school/bedtimes.
3. Maybe more weekends to work.
4. Harder for me to keep the kids quiet on the weekends so he can sleep.
5. If he goes on nights, I don't know if they would ever transition him back to a day shift.


Me - BW 35
Him - fWH 37
D-Day: 7/13
2 yr EA; 8 mo PA.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Oct 2013
MissMovingOn
Member
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)

WH's latest OW is a coworker. She's fourteen years younger than me. They carried on an EA for months, then he left me and they were "dating" for a month.

He came back mid-November and told me he was stupid and wrong and he wanted me back. Two weeks later he told me he wanted out but I asked him to stay until after Christmas for the kids.

Twelve days before Christmas he told me he was crazy and he didn't want to get a divorce. Christmas day he asked me to marry him again (we never got divorced so a vow renewal I guess) in front of both of our families.

Six days ago he told me that he misses the OW (they still work together fifty(ish) hours a week and he is her direct supervisor in a very small department) and he doesn't know if he can ever be happy with me again. :( He says he doesn't want to leave me though.

I know I deserve better than this but I can't seem to take any of the steps to make it better. I very stupidly bought a truck with him right before Christmas which has stretched our finances to the point where neither of us can leave without losing everything including our home.

This quote feels like it describes me right now: "Everything happens for a reason but sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and make bad decisions"

There's way more to the story but I just needed to get that out for now.


Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!
Left me for 20 yr old COW. Moving on!

Posts: 353 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
alifeforesaken
Member
Member # 41139
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, February 10th (Monday)

WH OW is his Exec. Asst. I am so struggling to deal with this. He has given a no contact for as much as is possible (Ie. no non-professional contact). He does need to speak with her, but she works in the office with others and he migrates to various locations, so that does help. He has offered to after not offering originally to look for other jobs. I have not pushed it yet because we have a lot going on, with a new baby and I just got a new job, so we will pursue it. I do have access to his work phone and his work email, but it's so hard.

I also, like a PP mentioned, opportunity is everywhere, he needs to work on boundaries, and that is what I am trying to focus on while the situation is less than optimal.


BW (31)
WH (32)
Children (1yr) (1 due Mar '14)
DD#1 - 9/28/13 DD#2 11/24/13

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
spond
Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

I just wanted to add.. I "outed" the AP to his SO. I can say... it's much easier for them to work at the same company. My fWW now goes out of her way to avoid him as well, or if she has to talk about work, she does it with other people around.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 195