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I Can Relate
User Topic: For Those Who Found Out Years Later
SI Staff
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Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, April 7th (Wednesday)

A thread for those of you who found out about affairs years after they were over.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
sad12008
Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 7th (Wednesday)

Well, yet another "I Can Relate" thread I can relate to! It's all new to the BSs.


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3861 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, April 7th (Wednesday)

Are WS allowed to post here?
Only BS?
What about Mad Hatters?


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2839 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
kdny
Member
Member # 760
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, April 8th (Thursday)

I think anyone personally dealing with this situation can post as long as everyone posts with respect.


Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

Posts: 81335 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
Prayin4Daylight
Member
Member # 15710
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, April 8th (Thursday)

I think I belong here. I found out about 2 years after the A ended.... It makes for a different set of issues ....

While NC was not an issue, its also harder to piece together details that far out ...

Welcome to everyone ...


Prayin

Elected Voting Vixen


Posts: 8444 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Upstate New York
meaniemouse
Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, April 8th (Thursday)

oh my gosh--just the thread I've been looking for. This will be kind of long and maybe confusing so I apologize ahead of time.

One of my very, very best friends (40 years now) was literally my rock through all of my marital issues. I'm talking a LONG time since my first D-Day was October, 1994 and the second was January 2006. The first time it happened she was all for staying in the marriage to make it work--the only friend my WH had in his corner at that time but it was for my benefit. The second time I couldn't file fast enough and she was behind me 100%.

I've known her and her husband since I was 14. We all went to high school together and I dated her husband's younger brother back then. We also went to college together. He was the only one she ever dated and they got married 6 weeks before my ex and I did. Our kids are all girls, and about the same ages. We spent lots of time together as married couples, vacationed--went out nearly every weekend with them.

Her husband is one of those guys that is wonderful--good job, dedicated to his wife and daughters--none of them have ever filled the car with gas or washed it--he does all of that. I always envied her because he was such a good dad and my ex was a shit. Even my girls looked up to him and after we divorced said they had better memories of times with him than with their own father.

He is just one of those guys that's a problem solver--always ready to help anyone, friendly to everyone, generous--all of it.

Although they had their rough times they had grown together and for the last 15 years or so had a model marriage--anyone who knows them would have agreed.

One day last summer my friend got an e-mail that said her husband had an affair about 16 years ago with a co-worker. The e-mail was from the woman's husband. The husband wanted my friend to know about it because his wife had been messing around with other people and they were thinking about divorce.

My friend didn't believe it but half jokingly asked her husband "Hey did you have an affair with *****? Her husband says you did." Her husband denied it at first but then said that he had slept with the woman twice, felt horrible about it, stopped and vowed to be the best husband and father he could from that time forward--which by all indicators he has.

Needless to say my friend was devastated. He has been super-duper remorseful and has literally done everything a wayward spouse should do in order to save the marriage and let her know that the person who did that isn't the person he really is. She has only told very few people because she doesn't want to ruin the good reputation he has for a mistake he made 16 years ago.
But she is still having a very hard time almost one year later.

There is no chance that they will divorce--she loves him, he loves her and she doesn't want to break up their family. She's done some therapy but she said it didn't help her much. She says they have a much better relationship now--they talk more, it's more real but it will never be the same and she knows that. She is second-guessing everything for the last 16 years and feels like it all was a lie.

I guess I'd like to know if there are others in this situation and how did it all shake out? What were things that helped you heal? What did your friends do or not do that helped or made the situation worse?

Any words of wisdom for me her best friend, a betrayed spouse as well, but in a totally different situation than she is? I want to help her and be there for her but other than listening to her and helping her talk her way through this what else can I do?

Again--if you've read this far--thank you. I know it's a long story.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2105 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
scorpio1
Member
Member # 6445
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, April 8th (Thursday)

I think it's hard to find out way after the fact. You try piecing things together and figure out what happened when. For me, I found out about all of WH's past affairs from the last EA/PA.

Finding out that he lied throughout most of our relationship was so traumatic. He only told me after he started counseling. Prior to that, I kept asking about any past incidences and he refused to tell me anything.

I wish I had not had my head buried in the sand for so long. I would have left long ago and not have to deal with a lot of things I have to deal with. Then again, I wouldn't have my youngest child.


If a situation requires a lie, you are standing on the wrong side of the issue.
Me-BS 41 years old
STBXWH-37 years old
3 kids D-18; S-15; D-5

Posts: 1891 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: South Florida
Godsgirl
Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, April 8th (Thursday)

Yeah, I can relate.
My WH PA's were from 99-04. I just found out this past Dec. when I discovered his two year EA. As a matter of fact, I was told in our first MC session. It was nice having a T on hand when your world comes crashing down.
I too struggle with believing my M was just a big lie but that is where the WS has to step up and remind you of the love and the memories.
I'm sorry for your friend and for you!
The good thing is, she will not have to deal with the OW.
I would be in jail right now for slapping his LTAP in the face if she was still in the picture.


Me-BS (41)
Him-SAWH (41)
Together 25 years, married 21 years
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 854 | Registered: Feb 2010
alexanderl42
Member
Member # 18947
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, April 9th (Friday)

I contacted the OW's husband "Today" through MYLIFE.com. The affair was around late 2005 and early 2006. I told him I had the email correspondence between my husband and her, times and places were they met.

I have been coming to my own terms of honesty. So far the OW BS has not gotten back to me, but I hope it ruined her like what she did to me.

[This message edited by alexanderl42 at 4:42 PM, April 9th (Friday)]


Posts: 529 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Tennessee
feelingstupid09
Member
Member # 22946
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, April 9th (Friday)

Oh ya, I can relate. My husband brought a woman to my bed and had sex with her 15 years ago and I struggle with that one probably more than the "happy endings" that were more recent. I knew her; we played softball together, not real friends, but I was devastated. My bed...but 15 years ago...It was the night before my son was born that they first "met" but nothing happened due to a DWI that one of the other guys he was with got, but a year later, bam....not sure what I really believe but I just keep telling myself that we really did have good times and he can profess his love for me through it all...he realizes he was broken and just couldn't get away from the "excitement" of the ONSs. Swears he always felt horrible after, but ya it really makes you question your marriage and in my case whether he really wanted that second child.

I hate this. I can't leave him; i love him too much which sometimes I just don't understand, but other times I just can't handle the pain of it all. I just want it to go away!!

Ah well, tell your friend to follow her heart. She was in the marriage; she was happy and he probably was too. It's all too complicated at times.

Hang in there.


BS: me 52 (not feeling stupid now)
WS: him 50
DDay 2/7/09 gave me most of it, but full
disclosure came 8/30/09 about 15+ years of hookers/strippers/other women.
We are reconciling; we will make it.
Married for 23 years with 2 beautiful children:

Posts: 170 | Registered: Feb 2009
how can I go on
New Member
Member # 27432
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 10th (Saturday)

I can relate.

I just found out on the 28 July 2008 that the OW I caught my WH with in 1987 that the affair had not ended but had continued until 1992 and that they had a son together who is now 20 years old.

He has kept in touch with the OW all these years because of their son and have for many years gone on holidays together while I thought it was business trips and I looked after our businesses without taking holidays. I neglected our two children while I held our businesses together over the years while he went to Disney Land in America and Paris had holidays in Turkey together and even bought them a holiday villa by the sea in Bodrum Turkey. While our children were always at work with us and no such wonderful holidays.

He has tried since DD to somehow make it up to me and I now have my big beautiful house in Turkey by the sea and in London but I just can’t forgive him for his double life.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: London and Bodrum,Turkey
rollercoaster80
Member
Member # 23412
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, April 10th (Saturday)

AH yes! Yet another thread I fit into.

I found out that my FWS had numerous Pa's throughout our marriage. The one that seems to bother me the MOST(my biggest trigger) is he LTA he had PA 5+? years with phone contact for many years after. This was in approximately 1991-1996. Three of my four DS were born durring this time and she came to visit us in Florida, where we had just moved. She stayed with my bff and had Christmas with us at my home. She had sex withm my FWS in our van when he drove her to the airport. She was at my son's bris(a celebration at birth) She went to my Grandaughter's naming.(He says he doesn't remember her being there and they had no physical contact. stepd remembers her being there!)I found out about this LTA after months of counseling after DD 5/08.

I only found out length of PA about 6 months ago.

I don't remembers are hard when it was SO long ago. Yet when really questioned after the truth has come out it is amazing how many times he knew he was lying.

Still know I don't have the whole truth. WOuld love to call OP and tell her off. But then we would be establishing contact again.(He last talked to her around DDAY, before after of course"I don't remember"


me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage


Posts: 1047 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, April 12th (Monday)

Thanks mods for starting this thread! It's been hard finding support IRL for this, I've actually had a counselor laugh at me when I told her the As were 20 years ago.

In 2008 I found out that my H had cheated on me with at least 5 OW before we were married. For the first two years we were dating, and supposedly in a committed relationship, he was seeing other women.

I was surprised how horrible d-day was, even though the As were so long ago. I lost a bunch of weight, walked around like a zombie for the first six months. Around one year, anger really set in.

Trying to piece together 20 years of history and wonder what else has been a lie is hard. What else I missed. 20 years of trickle-truth has made me feel crazy. My life feels like the Truman Show movie. Looking back at some of the things he's done over the years is horrifying - One of the OWs became a "good friend" of his, and he insisted we stop in and visit her on our honeymoon!!! (I've had to do EMDR with that memory)

Even though I had him take a polygraph (he passed) I have a hard time believing that kind of behavior can just stop like he said it did.
Supposedly one day he just realized that I was the one he wanted to be with. I still feel he is inappropriate with women, and do suspect a few EAs over the years, just no way to prove it after all this time. He is going to counseling.

I can't even imagine how the people who find out about current As handle it. Sometimes I feel guilty when I read about stories that are so much more horrible than mine. I spend way too much time wondering what I would have done if I'd have known then. I don't know what to do now.

[This message edited by Paperclip at 8:02 AM, April 12th (Monday)]


Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, April 12th (Monday)

I'm not sure if I belong here, but I was happy to see this thread started.

Mr.H confessed to being in love w/ my friend June '99. It wasn't until I called her in Jan '07 nearly two months after d-day for 2A that I found out it wasn't an EA, but a PA.

At the time, he talked so much about loving two women. About how wonderful she was- *she* took the time to learn the 10-codes (cop call in codes) and I didn't. Well yeah, her BH had been a cop longer and she had TWO men to learn them for to my one Basically, he was very convincing w/ the "I love her" bit.

Now he says it was just sex, she was just a fuck toy. That he did the love act to throw me off, thought it would hurt less than the sex. I feel like the truth is likely in the middle.

I also feel like my entire life since then has been a lie. I forgave and tried to move on from one thing when it was another. Had I known the whole truth at the time I would NOT have started a family w/ him so soon, if at all. I might have even D.

how can I go on- I'm so sorry he neglected your kids in favor of the OC. I hope at least he was a committed father to them while he was actually in the home? OC may have gotten vacations, but he still grew up w/out a father on a daily basis. The whole situation is sad.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11131 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Revkwd
Member
Member # 4933
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 12th (Monday)

To continue where paperclip left off. I found out 30 years after the first events with 2 other MOW in 2003. You can read my story for details. then in '77 there were 3 more, all OW who were in our life. And talk about "I don't remember". I became a detective to research when these all actually happened. And the doubting and second guessing is still painful, daily triggers and thoughts still happening.

Wondering what would have happened to our marriage had I know then and the questions about why didn't I? Could we have gotten by it and would he have been transparent. I doubt it, although he was and is crazy about me and we had the model marriage, good sex and the whole package. So for 30 years, I lived an illusion. Maybe that is the hardest to deal with.


kwd

Posts: 218 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: DC area
Bobbie
Member
Member # 15351
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, April 13th (Tuesday)

I belong here.... I found out 28 years after my H started his As... But, right from the start, on some level, I always knew things were not right... I had the 'gut' feelings, the signs were there, the flags were everywhere, people would even make 'innuendo' remarks to me... But, I refused to see, and I refused to hear that my husband would cheat on me... HE WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON ME.

My first D-day came in 1978, around 8 years after his A's started and 2 years after he says he stopped???... But, at that time (1978), he denied, denied, denied and there it sat for 28 years. I ended up thinking I was the crazy one and I lived in denial. We were two people living in the same house, but separate. I built walls to keep him out and he built walls to keep his secrets... but, he lived those 28 years thinking I didn't know anything for sure; so, therefore I let it go and he was in the clear... and he was happy and continued to live with no regrets as though his As was just that... HIS, they belonged only to him. He lived by his rules where he never had to answer for anything... in his world there was no guilt.

Then Jan, 2007, I brought it up again… 28 years later. Only then, did I start to learn the rest of the story... OMG, I was in shock at the things I learned he was capable of doing. I was horrified at the extent he went to in order to be with OW (I knew her) I found out there were over 8 OW... one long term and several ONS. I knew three of the OW. I started learning that I never knew the man I married… I lived with a stranger for close to 40 years.

This overwhelming feeling would wash over me, and I would think "who is this man?... What happened to my world I had been living in all these years?"

It has been horrible, gut wrenching, painful, agonizing and hating him every other minute. I became so obsessed in researching the timeline, the who's, when, where, why, etc. And the doubting and second guessing is still painful, daily triggers and thoughts still happening.

I wished I had dealt with the hurt and agony at that time. Trying to piece together 30 years of history and now, I'm always wondering what else has been a lie. What else have I missed. I'm constantly asking myself... 'So, this is how it is... My husband supposedly one day, or one year, he just woke up and realized that I was the one he wanted to be with?'

Even though I had him take a polygraph (he passed) I still have a hard time believing everything he says.

It's been over 3 years now and I am still at times find myself on that roller coaster. I have finally accepted what my marriage was... We are together. I'm learning about this man that calls himself my husband. He is trying and sometimes, I'm happy and then sometimes I'm just sad. Stuff still goes through my head and I sometimes wonder if I'm just 'settling' for what is left in my life... or, is he settling for what left? I guess what I'm saying is I do have good days, but I still have bad days, too.

So for actually close to 38 years, I lived an illusion. My world was not my world at all.. And, that is the hardest part to deal with even though the As were so long ago. It feels like I lost the most precious and pure thing I have ever had, my love for my husband. My husband died.

I think finding out years later is so, so much worse... because it feels like my H kept his A's alive for an additional 28 years and that was his choice. His As still belonged to only him... his choice to keep me in the dark... And that was the way he wanted it... his rules. The extra 28 years just adds lies to the lies... makes your whole life a lie.

This has changed me profoundly... no other way to put it. I will never have the kind of love I had for my H that I had before his A's... there will never be that precious and pure love again... I think the pain will always be there. I love him, but it's different which sometimes I don't understand myself... I just want to make the most of what is left of my life!!

[This message edited by Bobbie at 2:25 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]


Waited 30 years to deal with the pain!

Posts: 419 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Indiana
how can I go on
New Member
Member # 27432
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, April 13th (Tuesday)

Yes it feels like my life has been stolen from me, if I had known that a child had been born two years after the A was supposed to be over, I would have been free to leave him and take our children and the child I was pregnant with at the same time as the OW I would not have had an abortion because he needed me to look after the business as there was so much money involved and he could trust me.

The OW had a much wanted child and was a doting mother to the OC. Where I had very little time with my children as I worked long hours 7 days per week for a business I had no interest in for a husband who chose to let me murder my unborn child without telling me what was really going on while his whore gave birth to her child.

He had the cheek recently when a much adored old pet of ours was put to sleep he told me that he did not believe in putting animals down not even when their quality of life was so bad. He does not believe in abortion. I said to him “You do realise you are talking to me? You let me abort my child while your girlfriend was pregnant. If you had been a decent person you would have given me the truth and I would not have murdered our child.” He forgets you see he actually believes he is a good honest person. He cannot bare to talk about it and says that you can not hang a man for something he did years ago because he has changed.

Yes my life has been stolen but he is trying to make me happy but he just has no idea of the pain he has caused. He goes about bragging that we have been married for 35 years of course omitting to say that he had a LTA and an OC who is now 20years old, and kept it a secret from me for over 20 years. Of course his family in Turkey knew and they OW, OC and my husband went every year together for over 20 years for a family holiday.

After D Day when I suddenly appeared on holiday with him the neighbours thought I was the Other Woman and the Whore was his wife.

The OC was text that his dad was seen around town with an OW which was ME!

[This message edited by how can I go on at 10:47 AM, April 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: London and Bodrum,Turkey
how can I go on
New Member
Member # 27432
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, April 13th (Tuesday)

The other child was told from a very early age that he must never contact his father otherwise he would never see him again.
The OC says he just accepted that.

[This message edited by how can I go on at 10:49 AM, April 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: London and Bodrum,Turkey
Prayin4Daylight
Member
Member # 15710
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, April 13th (Tuesday)

Oh wow , I am amazed at HOW much later some of these affairs came to the surface.

For me, it was a relief that the A was ended and I had no " fog" to deal with...

For the rest of you , just (( HUGS ))


Prayin

Elected Voting Vixen


Posts: 8444 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Upstate New York
rollercoaster80
Member
Member # 23412
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)

I don't know how any one else feels about this but I am sometimes glad that I didn't find out until now. Othertimes, I wished I would have known especially before we moved away from my family. I was young enough to start over by myself(and kids,of course)And my kids would have been raised closer to my Mom and sisters. We missed SO many years together and we were very close!

Then I think of how I would have felt raising my young kids alone and having the mood swings and depression I now have due to his A's. I was SO happy raising my kids when they were young( and I say my kids because I did all of the school work, meetings, running to plays, ball games, boyscouts, field trips ect ALONE. FWS is very sad about the things he missed out on because of his isolation, guilt or just plain sickness).
Well,I can't rewrite history so I guess this was my time to find out. I am glad for my time raising my kids. I had a blast!I was really happy. It was a happy time and when I look at pictures now I sometimes feel sad if I think about what FWS was doing but in reality I was Very happy! I try to remember truely how I felt. I will not allow my memories to be tainted!


me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage


Posts: 1047 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)

Bobbie, your story is so like mine! You've put so many of my feelings into words it's almost scary! I also got years and years of denial from WH...I thought I was crazy. Every couple years something would trigger me...I'd ask him yet again and more lies.

There were so many huge red flags flying...I found letters from other women, I saw him with other women...he always had an excuse. I beat myself up all the time for not figuring it out back then. IC & SI is really helping me forgive myself for this.

HowcanIgoon- How awful for you! You're living one of my big fears - I'm terrified of discovering an OC, especially now that we're coming up on 21+ years out of the last A. (and others in WH's family have had a surprise OC pop up years later)

Like Bobbie said, this has changed me profoundly also, in ways I'm just starting to find out about. Years of trickle truth can really do a number on a person - I wonder how much my anxiety & depression issues have been caused by it.

Rollercoaster, I wonder the same thing myself. I doubt I'd have finished college if I'd have found out back then. The only thing I know for sure is that knowing the truth has been a huge relief for me. I can't describe it - all those things I saw suddenly make sense.

[This message edited by Paperclip at 1:46 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
watchingU
Member
Member # 22144
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)

Wow, Bobbie, I'm right there with you. I found out "for sure' after 38 years. First red flag was when he was in armed forces, in 1972. A soldier told me that WH 'dated' around on base. WH said 'soldiers make up crap like that in order to start problems and get a girl to go out with them'. He denied he ever cheated on me. 1974, back home, a lot of red flags about his SIL. Neighbors told me she showed up at home when I was gone, he 'disappeared with her for hours at a time', told me he took her to run errands because his brother was working late and she needed a ride. Said I was pathetic and jealous to accuse HIM of doing anything with his brothers wife. What kind of person did I think he was. yada yada.

1975 WH had part time job after school, got off at 11pm. Occasionally got home at 3 am 5 am 8am. Said his car broke down, or he helped a friend and time got away from him. WOuld end up yelling me down and said he was telling me the truth and that was all he was going to talk about it, then the silent treatment, til I dropped the subject.
1979 new SIL accused him of asking her out. He said she was a lying slut and we 'had to stay away from her from now on'. So we isolated ourselves from his family. Or at least he isolated me from them. From then on they all hated ME.
Over the next 20 years, there were a few red flags, female coworkers calling him at home, I never knew why. Seeing him scanning other women, finding a few odd phone numbers written down. He always said I waS paranoid, jealous. His favorite line was "If you're going to accuse me of these things, I may as well do them, because you will accuse me regardless'. It was like a threat to me and I must say it kept me in line and not accusing him of my suspicions.
So in 2007, I finally caught him on the phone with another woman. After an hour of yelling, and me calling him a liar over and over and not backing down, he started admitting he had cheated on me thru out our marriage with numerous other women. Then he would clam up for weeks or months, and then more TT would come out.

This whole ordeal has just about cost me my sanity and sometimes my life (suicidal). I literally HATE my H. THere will NEVER be feelings of love again. NEVER. I am living with him now due to finances, that's the ONLY reason. I'm almost 60 and don't have a job or extended family. I am basically all alone except for him.
SOmedays it gets me down, but I just pray my way through it. I have to believe my life won't be this lonely and depressed for the remainder of it. I'm trying to do things to make me happy. As long as WH is not around, I'm pretty content, but it is very hard when he is around and all I can think about is 40 years of lies. I want to just claw his eyes out sometimes. Counseling told me has sociopath traits and won't change.
I wish I had listened to my gut all those years ago. In hindsight, it was right all along.

WU


BW me 60(naive until 3/30/07 Dday)
WH 60(PA w/SIL PA with neighbor, 100's of EAs,chat rooms, M 1969
Multiple Ddays over the past 4 yrs (about prior infidelities, not new ones) My Gut says WH Has cheated thruout M

Posts: 524 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: South
Bobbie
Member
Member # 15351
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, April 14th (Wednesday)

I was beginning to think that I was the only one out here that could possibly have lived with this kind of 'crap' inside me for so many years.... Yelp, I was dumb, naive, head buried in the sand... oh, how I beat up on myself all the time for not seeing what was right in front of me all along, especailly when everybody else could see it...

Paperclip... The only thing I know for sure is that knowing the truth has been a huge relief for me. That is the most IMPORTANT truth of all... finding out my whole married life was a lie, I craved 'truth'... I was obsessed with 'truth'... The truth set me free from thinking I was crazy for all these years.

I, also, beat myself up all the time for not figuring it out back then... for not standing up for myself.... for letting myself be a doormat... for just being stupid ME. For me, that has been the hardest part of all... forgiving myself.

Watchingu.... My H used the very same words on me... it must be an unspoken 'cheater's code'... saying whatever it takes to make your wife think she's crazy. My H always yelled at me every time I would dare to question him. He always made ME feel the guilty one. He used all the words... told me I was jealous, paranoid, told me all kinds of stories why he was out till 3 in the morning. When this woman finally told me about OW, he told me that she was lying because she was going thru a divorce herself and unhappy and wanted everybody to be unhappy too... He even told me "If you're going to accuse me of being with another woman, I may as well do it'. It worked every time because I would feel so guilty for accusing him that I would think OMG, he really will cheat on me if I keep accusing him. Oh, the stories, the lies he told me and I (the stupid one) bought them all. I would always back down and shut up, and then he would storm out the door and I would get the silent treatments, sometimes for weeks at a time and I would always be the first to break the ice. I see it now for what it was... his way of controlling me... whatever it took... and it worked for years.

I would be rich if I had a dollar for every time I wished I had listened to my gut all those years ago... I don't look at him in the same way I did thru the years. I see him for 'real' today.... I do love him, but I think it's mostly because of so many years together... And, I could see a change in him thru the years... it will never be as it was in the beginning... just too many years of 'bad' history.

[This message edited by Bobbie at 3:52 PM, April 14th (Wednesday)]


Waited 30 years to deal with the pain!

Posts: 419 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Indiana
Broken <3ed
New Member
Member # 28263
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, April 15th (Thursday)

ICR to this. I'm new to this situation, as my D-day was just last week. Turns out his infidelities were online, and from all I can find were about a year and a half ago.

It just makes me wonder though- if I could go all this time without knowing- what else could be going on? :(


-Broken <3ed

Posts: 3 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: GA
Illinoisgirl
Member
Member # 25686
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, April 18th (Sunday)

I didn't realize this forum was here. I found out in Sept 09 that WH had a 6 mo A in 2007. I'm doing alright now (after 6 mo) but I was completely devastated when I found out.

I save my calendars. I write things about the kids and our lives, so they are kind of a keepsake. After I found out about the OW, I went back and looked over the calendar for that year. What was going on in our lives while he was seeing her? Were there any clues that I missed?

One thing that really bugged me was that we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary in Las Vegas during the time he was seeing her. Was he thinking about her while we were celebrating 10 years together? Did he see her right before or after? It made me crazy.

I feel like he lied to me every day...from the first time he was with her, until the day I found out. Lies of omission. Every day was a lie. Plus, like Broken3ed said, what else has he lied about??

I guess the only hint of a silver lining that I can find is that he ended it a long time ago. I can't imagine what other SI'ers are going through whose spouses are still actively seeing the other person. Heartbreaking.


Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
Reconciling?
D-Day 9-27-09
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt


Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2009
sadyettrying
Member
Member # 28008
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, April 18th (Sunday)

Wow, I belong here too and share so much with what others have said. My H's affair was in 1996 and lasted for 7-8 months. I remember being a little cautious about the OW, but I had young kids, was working, etc., etc., and did not really pick up on anything. In 2004 I found email correspondence between then that clearly indicated an previously intimate connection. Unfortunately, when I found the email I confronted H over the phone, which gave him time to come up with a plausible explanation before he had to face me. I now understand this to be trickle truth because he admitted to enough to make the emails make sense, but not the whole truth. I guess I just didn't want to believe it could happen to me.
On March 5 I went and found the email (I had kept a copy) and reading it on that day was like getting smacked in the face - how could I have let him tell him it had been anything but an affair - it was all so clear. I confronted again and this time he confessed.
It has been what you all know all too well. H is remorseful and doing everything he can/should be doing, but whether it happened weeks ago or 14 years ago, the shock, pain, and hurt are as intense.
I am a need all the details kind of person, and of course, it is hard for H to remember as much as I would like. My big thing right now is trying to get at whether or not there ever a time he felt guilty? Thought of me? Those thoughts are hard for him to recall.
I too keep journals of my days - kids appointments, etc. and have gone over and over my 1996 journal trying to piece together what I was doing while they were doing what they were doing.
I have also gone back and forth on whether or not I would have wanted to know either in 1996 or 2004. Most of the time I wish I had known - at least in 2004 when he lied to my face about it. But then when I think of how much pain I am in now, I am kind of glad that I had those pain free years.
H says that those years we had together were real, that he loved me and when he was with me he was with me and when the A was over it was over (except, of course that he seemed to be heading down the slippery slope again in 2004 by what I saw in the emails). MC also says those years were real and not to lose sight of that. But as you all know, it doesn't feel that way.
I'm so grateful for this site, and now, for this thread.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2010
brokenheart59
Member
Member # 28304
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, April 20th (Tuesday)

Just found out about wifes affair with 2 men she worked with 15 yrs ago. I suspected something was wrong back then but let it go when she denied. What she did was disgusting. Since that time she has had at least 2 online plus phone sex with a man. How do you deal with this crap.

[This message edited by brokenheart59 at 9:16 AM, April 20th (Tuesday)]


BS-Me
WW-Her, 3-5 years 2 different men
true feelings for 1

Posts: 174 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: US
SpeakingWaters
New Member
Member # 23532
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)

I can relate. My husband came forward with his infidelity four years after the fact. Don't know if it made it easier or harder to deal with. part of me feels like I wasted those years, part of me feels like it's put a bit of distance between us and the issue.. don't know.


~*Harley*~

Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2009
midori-alice
New Member
Member # 28383
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 30th (Friday)

i know this is where i belong...too much, too overwhelming...maybe next time...

[This message edited by midori-alice at 1:28 PM, April 30th (Friday)]


A

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2010
how can I go on
New Member
Member # 27432
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, May 1st (Saturday)

I feel like my life has been stolen. All those years of struggling in businesses I hated while my husband had another family which I unknowingly helped support their lavish lifestyle while we my children and I went without life’s luxuries.

Now we have everything I am supposed to not ask anymore about the other life my husband had because we are old and don’t have a lot of time left so we should enjoy ourselves now.

On D Day I could not digest or process all the information. My husband could not have done this to me and our children not him, we had been through so much together how could I not have known? The man I married was a good man, honest and trustworthy, or so I thought.

Married 35 years
Me BS 59
WH 60
2 children boy 30 girl 33
D Day 28 July 2008
OW 62
OC 20


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: London and Bodrum,Turkey
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, May 1st (Saturday)

Another ICR forum for me! yay!

I found out almost a decade later. During that time his guilt turned him into a different man...not a very nice one.

I may have my old husband back, but I will never have my old marriage back.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
GreenEyes885
Member
Member # 25267
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, May 1st (Saturday)

I found out 2 years after the A. The OW was still in the picture before D day - because she was regarded as family. She would attend every family outing and always work her way close to my WH.

After the discovery - she basically ran away from it all and said not a single word to any of the family. She did however go on to become another OW who caused them to divorce.

Me - I'm undecided. I need to work thru this at my own pace. I've decided to focus on me, take care of me first. I can't make him talk about it if he doesn't want to... but I also don't need to worry about what he will and wont do. I figure either way he shows his true colors - and THAT's what I need to see.

Even when we find out years later its not an easy process - for us the injury is fresh, raw and wide open.

Work on healing yourself first. No matter how to try to make sense of it... somethings just won't ever make sense.


Me-BS;
Him-WH;
Married 9+, LTA-2-3 yrs
D-Day 07/02/2009

One Day At A Time....


Posts: 267 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: RR
SecondLook
New Member
Member # 28347
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, May 1st (Saturday)

I found out in Nov '09 about my WH's A from the summer of 2005. He decided to contact his ex-girlfriend. There were cell phone calls to his phone and a private email account that they shared and I never knew about. It lasted for three months.

I was contacted by her H through a FB inbox message. I was shocked because I thought he couldn't be talking about my H. But he was. I asked him point blank if he slept with her because if he did, I swore I'd...I didn't finish that statement so he got scared and told me no...they were only kisses.

I kept in contact with her H to see if I could get him to admit anything to me...more info that he sounded like he knew about. In Dec'09, 3 wks later, I sent him an email telling him that I thought we should sever all ties because otherwise, she would still contact him (she had contacted him twice by phone and sent him an anonymous birthday card)The next day, I received an email telling me that they HAD slept together! Twice according to him (it was actually 3 times).

I was in utter shock. I was numb...I asked and received all the details that my H could remember. He tried to forget as much as he could over time..but through my asking questions...I got the gist of the affair. We figured out more later when I found and looked at cell phone bills from back then. We were able to piece together the approx. timeline for the second and third meeting. Also, the fact that he did call her when we went on a mini-honeymoon...that devastated both of us.

I went through anxiety, panic attacks and a lot of triggering and obsessing too but we are now in individual counseling and things seem to be improving. I still have a little ways to go before I can close this chapter but I did get the H I always wanted in all of this. I finally realized that I DO love my husband and he now cherishes me and makes me feel loved. Things are new again for us.

We will be celebrating our 25th anniversary in Nov this year. Priorities and things have changed dramatically for us now...the pain still comes and goes but mostly if I open the box and look inside. If I look directly at it...it's excruciating but if I keep the box closed, I can function quite well. He knows and feels my pain and completely regrets ever doing this. I'm relieved that he's in counseling to figure out why he would even cross that line...he's discovered a lot of things, to my relief!

I always felt badly when I heard about affairs before...and I was naive enough to think that I was safe because I had God in my life...I was dead wrong. No one is safe! And I also found out that both my H and I were praying for things to change between us...little did I know that you have to be very specific when praying. Things did need to change between us...we were basically two strangers sharing a house...we lived separate lives...I kept very busy to avoid him. I see all that now. I see a lot of things now. We are also learning a lot from one another through this...the lines of communication have been opened for us!

I apologize if this is lengthy...I've just been trying to figure out where I fit in on here. I knew I belonged but because it had been a while since I found out...I wasn't sure where to post. Thanks for listening!


BS - 43
WH - 43
Married - 25 yrs in Nov/10
Children - 2 (24 and 19)
R - Getting stronger every day!

D-Day #1 - Nov 28/09
D-Day #2 - Dec 19/09


Didn't see this one coming...should have ducked when the brick hit me in the head!


Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Canada
2oldforthis
Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)

I am right up there with Bobbie and Paperclip. I found out 23 yrs. later.

At the time we had been married 32 yrs.

When I found out I also was told he had a DD with her. She was blackmailing him for money.

I demanded DNA, found out the DD was not his.

Talk about shock!

I think the length of the marriage and the length of when you found out makes it really hard. How could someone keep such secrets for so long and how could that someone lay next to you in bed every night and not feel some guilt.

I am still pretty devasted and this month it will be 3 yrs.

d-day at the end of May.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1640 | Registered: Jun 2008
nolongercryn
Member
Member # 11494
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)

FWH's first affair surfaced 15 years after it happened.

It's very hard for me to think back to that time and face the realization of how naive I was--I never had a clue. I was pre-occupied with being very pregnant and happy....evidently I was very blind as well.


"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
-Helen Keller


Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2006
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)

it was only 18 months after it ended for me so not sure if I belong here, however, I agree it is harder to find facts when it is after the event. There are no text messages, no emails.

If I can be of any help to anyone here, pm me anytime.


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26040 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
AREYOUKIDDINGME?
Member
Member # 27864
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)

Oh hell...My whole F-ing marriage was a sham. I had gut feelings over the years and totally dismissed them. He had me convinced I was the real princess. What a freaking joke. I totally trusted him. After discovering a current affair with someone I thought was my friend. He TT a month later 8 other women. I think at this point we are up to ten. Co-workers and a few that I truly believed were my friends. One dating back to the beginning only he can't remember if the incident happened while dating or first married. She came to my sons wedding in August 2009. I had no idea, our kids have been bff since they were 2 years old. I want to puke now, just thinking about how I hugged her and congratulated us for having great kids. My whole life makes me want to It was a fucking joke from day one.


BW-Me 39
D-Day #1 02/09/09 D-Day#2,#3 03/28/09, 03/29/09....Trickled for months. 10 OW
Updated 6/11. Now Married 18 years, 4 boys, 2 daughter-in-laws, 2 princess's born, and 1 cowboy on the way. And the new dog that saved my life many times tha

Posts: 365 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: In a Black Hole just South of Hell
whatliesahead
Member
Member # 27596
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, May 6th (Thursday)

I found out this year of wife's affair of 25 years ago. As I have told her, it makes me believe the 25 years since have all been lies.

Unsure yet what I am going to do. I know that I can live without her, but yet still do love her. Just cannot seem to get over the anger.

25 years of lies, deceit, etc. are extremely difficult to overcome.


Me BS 57
Ex-wife 54
Divorced
DDay January 2010

Posts: 121 | Registered: Feb 2010
WheredoIgonow
Member
Member # 27130
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 7th (Friday)

I don't know if I totally fit in here - but I feel like I had a taste of both scenarios - but not decades like some of you. Or maybe I just don't know all of the Truth yet.

I'm sorry for all of you who found out decades later. I really am. I get the part that it makes it seems like a sham - but like one of you said.... not knowing the truth did allow you "at the time" to enjoy parenthood and motherhood with the innocence of believing you were special and the "only one".

I only found out 6 months ago as my WH was in the thick of a new EA/PA (5 months together) and then found out that he had a PA before that from 2/07 until the new OW. The OW#1 had a baby in between and her second marriage. I started worrying about OC but he reminded me that he got fixed after our 4th child - so he was probably safe.

But I also found out that he had kissed a co-worker over 20 years ago.... he made sexually advances to two of our friends over the last 15 years - so it feels like he was always on the prowl.

And last year when we were celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary on our second honeymoon - the soon to be OW#2 was texting him (and she had kissed him right before our trip).

He then tells me that he probably would have strayed before - but he was afraid of my father. My father battled cancer for 6 years and died in 2008. So, he began (supposedly) his first A while my father was dying and then went all out in 2009 for OW#2 - and my father had been dead for over a year.

I'm so afraid that more will come out - but I think all of the biggies have come out.

Plus we're still raising two kids at home (13 and 14) and two are out of college.

I worry about what have we done to them? What kind of example has been set? What are they going to be thinking as they try to sort out "love" "committment" and "marriage".

My WH just tells me today that I'm not here with you because of that piece of paper and that piece of paper (Marriage) doesn't mean anything - and he says he doesn't think it ever did.

What??? After 25 years he's telling me this. I said where was this conversation 25 years ago??? Before we had our 4 children??? Doesn't a committment mean anything to you??? especially during a ceremony before friends, family, and God mean anything to you?

I looked at him and thought - boy this is NOT the man I thought he was???

My prayers are with all of you - and thanks for everyone giving so much of themselves to this site. It really helps.


Me; BS (55)
Him: WS (57)
Married 30 years
DD-28, DS-27, DS-18, DS-17
OW#1 - PA - 4 1/2 years
OW#2 - EA/PA - 5 months
He thought she was his soulmate - was going to move out- confessed about OW#2 when asked. OW#1 revealed them.

Posts: 608 | Registered: Jan 2010
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, May 7th (Friday)

Wow! I didn't know this existed! I can relate so much to everyone's stories. Sometimes I feel so alone. I will share my story later, but thank you mods for adding this to ICR!


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 23, Together: 26, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-08 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1399 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, May 7th (Friday)

Wow! I didn't know this existed! I can relate so much to everyone's stories. Sometimes I feel so alone. I will share my story later, but thank you mods for adding this to ICR!


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 23, Together: 26, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-08 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1399 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, May 7th (Friday)

Edited- double post

[This message edited by survivinglies at 2:39 PM, May 7th (Friday)]


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 23, Together: 26, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-08 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1399 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
midori-alice
New Member
Member # 28383
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, May 9th (Sunday)

i am realing all the time...my h's cheating happened 20 years ago...i found 6 months ago at the hospital...he is battling cancer...i am a wreck...i only feel two things now...tremendous anxiety over his illness and extreme sadness over the cheating...nothing feels right...my whole life feels like a lie...


A

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2010
sadyettrying
Member
Member # 28008
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, May 9th (Sunday)

Hugs Midori. You have found people here who know exactly what you are feeling. We are here for you so please feel free to write more. It does help.
Your particular situation is very difficult as I assume your husband is in no position to talk with you much right now.
If it is any help to you, I too felt that my years with my husband after his affair were all a lie. It was one of the first things our MC told me was not so, and my husband has since reassured me that when he was with me, even during the affair, he was here. Once she was gone, for him, she was gone. Were there still lies beneath everything? Yes, but it does not mean that what you and your husband experienced all these years has been a lie.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2010
how can I go on
New Member
Member # 27432
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, May 9th (Sunday)

midori-alice
I saw your first post on the 30th of April and I felt sadness as I thought you must be in great pain. I am glad that you posted again. You will find great people here in SI all genuinely concerned about you and ready to listen and offer insight and help along the way.

I too hovered for a while but once I got it out it just felt a whole lot better. I know I am too new to this but I just want to reach out to you and say that I am sorry that you are here but glad that you found SI.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: London and Bodrum,Turkey
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, May 10th (Monday)

I knew something was wrong for 13 years. FWH had a ONS while out of town when we were married just under 5 years. I asked, begged for the truth, and pretty much thought I was going crazy. I think what made it hardest was that we were each others firsts and onlies and "saved ourselves" for 3.5 years. How could he possibly have a ONS? I was so wrong!

When I finally had enough of the insanity when an soon-to-be PA/ early stages of flirting was discovered I was actually relieved to have the truth. I even had a polygraph just to make sure I had everything.

When FWH told his sister what was going on, she gave him some very good advice. She told him "Remember this is new to her. For her, it's like it just happened." She's not even a BS!

I think the hardest part is that every memory for 13 years is tainted. I feel like every smiling photograph is a lie. This is what we have struggled with most.

He wishes he would have told me sooner, but I think, back then, I would have just asked for a D.


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 23, Together: 26, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-08 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1399 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, May 13th (Thursday)

Question for everyone - how has years of trickle-truth or knowing something just wasn't right affected you?

I wonder how much my anxiety/depression issues have been caused or worsened by this. My first bout with serious depression started about one year into my relationship with WH. It also dawned on me that is when my weight problems as an adult started. At the time, I figured it was stress from college and dealing with the loss of a family member. And WH seemed so supportive back then. I used to tease him about him cheating on me - I truly believed he wasn't that kind of person - but subconsciously I wonder how my brain processed his weird denials?

I wonder what other ways this has changed us over the years, before we actually knew about the As.


Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
sadyettrying
Member
Member # 28008
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 14th (Friday)

I think it is wise to explore how this might have affected you. The mind is amazing and I do believe there is knowledge of something hiding deep in there, and I think it makes sense that it can definitely have implications for health, well-being, etc. For me, there were no health issues, but I was always way more jealous, suspicious of normal work relationships than I should have been. I could never quite figure out why I had so many trust issues - thought it must have had to do with me and insecurities. Of course, I'll never know for sure what was lying in the recesses of my mind, but in my case it seems pretty clear the bomb was there just waiting to explode.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2010
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, May 14th (Friday)

I KNOW the trickle truth made me feel like I was going crazy for years. I also had developed terrible self-esteem. After I got the truth, it was a relief to know I wasn't going crazy. I have also had an improvement in my self esteem through IC.

Instead, I exchanged these for severe depression and anxiety.


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 23, Together: 26, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-08 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1399 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
inittotheend
Member
Member # 27138
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, June 5th (Saturday)

You ready for this? My wife had a ONS, got pregnant, then let me know she needed an abortion, got one letting me think it was my child, then came out with the truth 5 yrs later. Anyway, she always claimed she didn't know the OPs last name, but his first was kind of odd and she told me what he did and what part of the country he lived in. (They met in a bar of course). Fast forward 26 yrs. I am in a business that put me in contact with the guy and I am 90% sure it was him. I asked my WW if this was the guy and gave her his last name. Just thought it might be awkward to have to deal with him. You know what she did? She laughed in my face. How the hell was she supposed to know his last name? That was the whole conversation.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2010
New Joy
Member
Member # 17120
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, June 27th (Sunday)

We'd been married for 34 years when I confronted WH with an email exchange he'd had with a 23-year-old former employee.

In the midst of confronting him I was hit by a flashback to a time 4 or 5 years into our marriage where he treated me the same way - demonized me, started arguements all of the time, etc.

During that time we were housesitting in the country for my retired aunt & uncle. We lived in a little mobile home in a park so having that time in a roomy house in the country was heaven. But he wasn't home much that summer - late nights "entertaining customers".

One day I went by our place to pick up a few things & realized our bed wasn't made up the way I did it. (Whew! Need a pause here, take a few deep breaths & to say this is the 1st time I've talked about this & can't begin to tell all of you how much it means to be able to open up about it to people who understand what I'm feeling now.)

Naive, trusting fool that I was I told him what I discovered & asked what was going on. He told me he'd given his boss the key to our place. How could I even think that of him? Why would I think he'd do to me what his boss was doing to his wife? Here he was working these awful hours to support our family & I come at him with a question like that? God, I bought the guilt hook, line & sinker. And, without a doubt, that's had an impact on me through the intervening years.

So I come to a screeching halt in the midst of my awful tirade about his current A & ask if he lied to me all those years ago. His answer? A simple "yes, but it was only once, maybe twice". (What is it with waywards anyway? If they only did the deed once or twice it's not so bad?!!)

That day sent me into a tailspin that's taken me a long time to recover from. Two different MC's were a bust, both bought my WH's public personna, not helped by my being a raving lunatic at the time. Thanks to an IC I discovered after giving up on MC, I'm emerging from the ashes.

I, too, have looked back on all those years as having lived a lie, but reading here tonight I have a different view. "I" didn't live a lie. "I" was there day in & day out through it all for my two wonderful adult children. I raised them with love, honesty & integrity. That's something my WH can't take from me. He took my love & betrayed my trust. "He" lived a lie.

Double-D-Day was 7 years ago this month. It's just been this past year that I've really come back into my own.

There's one thing left on my agenda for me to take care of. I've been staying "for now" to get back on a sound emotional footing. I feel the time has come for me to commit to staying or to decide to leave this sham of a marriage.


Me - BS - 64
Him - WS - 65
Married over 40 years
Adult DS & DD
2 DD's in one that I call Double-D-Day - When confronted WH about his A he confessed to another affair years earlier.

Posts: 677 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Oregon
New Joy
Member
Member # 17120
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, June 27th (Sunday)

bump


Me - BS - 64
Him - WS - 65
Married over 40 years
Adult DS & DD
2 DD's in one that I call Double-D-Day - When confronted WH about his A he confessed to another affair years earlier.

Posts: 677 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Oregon
itspjw
Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, June 28th (Monday)

I asked my husband straight out, "have you ever cheated on me?"

More than once.

He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "No, I swear to you, I haven't. I could never do that to you."

Yeah, right. He was lying every single time.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
pain from truth
Member
Member # 28821
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 29th (Tuesday)

My wife had a ONS, got pregnant, then let me know she needed an abortion, got one letting me think it was my child, then came out with the truth 5 yrs later.

inittotheend--that is so heart breaking and seems beyond cruel, I'm sorry.


I guess I should finally post here too.
28 July 09- caught WH in a sexting type EA via emails. He was deployed in Iraq at the time and after a talk w/ a neighbor (she was going thru a divorce) I asked for his password...and he handed it over. Something just clicked in my head to get his password...a few years before that I had found acouple flirty type emails to an old co-worker but, we worked thru that because they seemed harmless he never emailed her again.
anyway, so I had this gut feeling this time...and sure enough I go straight to the sent folder and I see tons of emails to another co-worker and this time it wasn't just flirty.
fast forward and after of hours of email converations and agreements, I agreed to stay until he came home.
arrived home 2nd week of august and on 19 august (after a week of him being home) I started a full blown interrogation...WH confessed to two PA back in 1997 and 2001 (both times I was in a different country)....the sexting EA was just that, I had all the emails and it clearly stated that they hadn't "done it" but, could have easily gone that way....
so after 14yrs of marriage I find out he had two PA years and years ago....1997 was while at school twice in one week (which got TT on that)
and then the killer was 2001....I had left the country (we were in the process of moving) and he had 1.5-2 mo. PA with my ex-friend/coworker....wtf? and then that bitch continued to be my friend and stood w/ me at his graduation...like we were just all
friends

had to suffer thru months of TT on many details, half truths, revisions of story, etc....
I wish I would have known years ago, I wouldn't have cared so much back then (our marriage was very strained) but, I thought we had this unconditional bond (yea' right) i feel like a fool for believing in him so much....this was both our 2nd marriage and I thought he would never do me wrong.
if i would have known then...who knows what would have happened, i'm sure i would have just cheated back (nice huh?) but, we would have been in our 20's with no kids but, now we have 15yrs together and have two amazing kids.
I feel like so many choices were taken from...I would have done so many things different, if I would have known.

[This message edited by pain from truth at 8:28 AM, June 29th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 38
WH (truthandpain) 43
M 15yrs / 2 kids 8 & 5yrs
D-day sexting type EA 7/28/09
D-day 08/19/09 admitted to 2 PA 13yrs & 9yrs ago
TTing 10mos on details...
6/22/10-finally said I want to R

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jun 2010
sadyettrying
Member
Member # 28008
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, June 29th (Tuesday)

Hugs to you New Joy and congratulations for coming out on the other side. I can certainly imagine the devastation of your double D-Day. It is wonderful that you recognize that you did not live a lie and have the knowledge that you were there for your children and your husband.
I brought up the issue of the "lost years" at MC yesterday. My H just could not wrap his head around the idea that if we were both "present" all those years and he really was with me and never thinking of OP, why did I still wonder about what those years meant. I think he just does not want to have to realize that what he did could have caused this kind of damage. Anyway, MC did side with me and told him that of course I am questioning it all now because a fundamental belief I had was proven to be untrue. It is the beauty of MC that it provides an independent voice. My H heard her and now has to process that.
I wish you luck as you now try to sort through what to do with the rest of your life.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2010
New Joy
Member
Member # 17120
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, July 5th (Monday)

Thanks, Sad - I'm so glad your MC is not letting your H dodge the uncomfortable spots. Hang in there.


Me - BS - 64
Him - WS - 65
Married over 40 years
Adult DS & DD
2 DD's in one that I call Double-D-Day - When confronted WH about his A he confessed to another affair years earlier.

Posts: 677 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Oregon
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)

For me it was seven years ago and just about a month long. She was a co-worker who he said reminded him of me when were younger. Should I be flattered? I was out of town for a graduation and I remember talking to him on the phone and thinking somethings not right. When I got back home, I knew something wasn't right. I don't know if it was the way he acted, the house being spotless or what. I asked him then and have from time to time asked him again. I always was told NO. It got so bad I didn't trust myself or my instincts, of course he helped this along. He was always telling me I was dreaming up troulbe, too much time on my hands, even the tv shows I was eatching was putting ideas into my head. He almost had me convinced but there was that something in my gut. I think one of the worse that came out me believing him was that our youngest son was with him during this time. Our son told me that my WH had given him money to go with his friends. eat out, etc. This in itself was strange. Then one day he told me some woman called the house at midnight looking for WH. I believe she wanted me to be there so she could tll me about what was going on. One night as the three of us sat at the dinner table DS brought up this call. This happened about six yrs ago. My WH denied everything again but that instinct was there. I being stupid or still in love with WH told DS not to say such things and he wa just trying to pit us against each other so my WH said. I can't tell you the damage this did to my relationship with DS. He already had some issues and then for his mother not to believe him. I have to apologize to DS and then my whole family will know because he had already told them everything he knew. Our MC told me my WH has dealt with his guilt and shame all these years and not to punish him. He truly was afraid I was going to die. Some days I wish I had. I really don't think he has even told his IC all there is to tell. I read on a post that not make any decision at this point in time. I also feel like the past few years have all been lies. WH is saying no he still loves me. I wouldn't do what he did to my worst enemy much less the person I married.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, July 14th (Wednesday)

God, I bought the guilt hook, line & sinker. And, without a doubt, that's had an impact on me through the intervening years.

New Joy, I can so relate! In fact, my IC said this is where I'm having the biggest problem recovering - I cannot believe how gullible I was, the wacky lies and stories I believed - for so many years.

I spend a lot of time thinking about all the things he's said over the last 20 years that have never felt quite right, and it's like that Plinko game on the Price is Right - so many memories have just bounced around in my head and they're all falling into place now. God, it is awful and painful.

We just had our wedding anniversary this week. He says he's happy to be married to me. But all I can think about is that had I known about all of his As before we were married, I doubt I'd have ever married him. I have no idea how to reconcile that in my head!


Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
ShellShockedSid
Member
Member # 29068
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, July 16th (Friday)

I am so relieved to find this thread. I thought I was the only one who's in this bizare situation. Briefly, here's where I'm at...
On January 22, 2010, I received a call at work from the OW--she informs me that she had a 7 year affair with my husband--she hadn't seen him in 3 years, but they've had continued phone and email contact. Apparently, he decided that he wanted to end it, but wasn't able to...for whatever reason. He began telling her outrageous lies...even bigger than the ones he told me. She lives 1000 miles away, and I guess she believed him.

The OW was a former friend of mine. She realized that he was lying when she found my facebook page, with a photo of my husband and together. So--she decided to tell me.

He claims that he allowed it to drag on because he was afraid she'd call me. Whatever.

Anyway, since then, he has happily maintained NC, and seemes quite relieved...which frankly is annoying since I'm reeling. I never thought this could happen to ME!

WH has allowed me to ask 100s of questions, and he anwswers to the best of his ability, but sometimes he doesn't remember... Logicially, I get that--sometimes my questions are about a minute detail from 10 years ago, but it is still frustrating.

Next week will be 6 months since "Black Friday" as we call it. I am doing 100 times better. This week, for the first time, I've felt a tiny bit of normal-ness. WH has done everything right--he's trying to make it up to me, and I'm trying to accept it. So hard. But--I'm just glad to know that I'm not crazy, and I'm not totally alone on this dark path.


BW: 46, me
FWH: 48
DDay: 1/22/2010
Reconciling.
"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Christopher Robin to Pooh

Posts: 310 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Texas
feelingstupid09
Member
Member # 22946
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, July 16th (Friday)

Things have been going pretty good for my WH and myself for the most part. I dip occasionally but he is understanding and helps me through them.

My problem is that I don't have closure or NC with anyone in particular since most of my WH's encounters were ONS with women he didn't know (so he says) when out at the bar with his buddies. I was usually out of town although it did happen and then he came home to me.

I do know of one that he screwed her in my bed in 1996. She was an acquaintance that I played softball with a few years earlier. I thought we were acquaintances that could have been friends and the other was his massage therapist (20+ years in the business, professional, huh?) that he had an ongoing EA with although he doesn't call it that. He considered pursuing it and she was more than happy to. After a makeout session one night, she assured him no one (they have mutual friends) needed to know about their involvement. It was just between them.

So lately I have so wanted to contact them both and ask them why. Why did they choose to do this? I want to ask the acqaintance what I did for her to do this to me?

I just want to understand. I want to forgive them both; I have come to terms with the notion that I need to forgive to move on, but I need to understand why they did it too. Spouses can't cheat if people aren't willing to ignore the partner is married. Both of these women knew about me and about my children. I had my son in 1995.

My WH says I shouldn't hate them. It was his choice, his decision, his mistake, his broken self; but still....However, am I just bringing them back into our lives if I contact them? My WH swears he has not spoken to #1 since the night he dropped her off after screwing her and according to phone records that I had, he hasn't attempted to contact Ms. Unprofessional since Nov, 08 right before he had to tell me in Feb of 09.

Is my gut right, just stay away and deal? Otherwise, we really are doing well. I am happier (90% of the time) than I have been since we married. He talks to me like he has never before; he realizes this was the biggest cause of his straying. He was struggling with his inner self and he didn't come to me.

Advice? Suggestions?

thanks to all, this site has been a saviour on many occasions.


BS: me 52 (not feeling stupid now)
WS: him 50
DDay 2/7/09 gave me most of it, but full
disclosure came 8/30/09 about 15+ years of hookers/strippers/other women.
We are reconciling; we will make it.
Married for 23 years with 2 beautiful children:

Posts: 170 | Registered: Feb 2009
pain from truth
Member
Member # 28821
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, July 19th (Monday)

FS09
just bringing them back into our lives if I contact them

I think if R is going good and NC is firm, then not contacting is probably the best option...don't bring them back into your lives. I know this is hard and I struggle with this (I did contact the ex-friend from 9yrs ago) and I have to fight w/ myself not to contact her or email anything else or hell even to fly out there and bloody her nose (oops, anger slip)
I keep telling myself, they are trash and karma will get them...My WH also says it was all him "broken self" and its true, I was married to him but, it doesn't take away our hurt and anger from those others.
I know I had to contact ex-friend, just so she knew her/their little secret is out now...I didn't want her to ever think that it was something special between them (WH never saw her again but, she has called a few times thru the years just to say hi)....I wanted to make sure she knew he finally confessed and I wasn't in the dark anymore...and mostly for her to finally know she didn't get my life.

[This message edited by pain from truth at 2:29 PM, July 19th (Monday)]


BW (me) 38
WH (truthandpain) 43
M 15yrs / 2 kids 8 & 5yrs
D-day sexting type EA 7/28/09
D-day 08/19/09 admitted to 2 PA 13yrs & 9yrs ago
TTing 10mos on details...
6/22/10-finally said I want to R

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jun 2010
Phoenix519
Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, July 19th (Monday)

I am so thankful to have found this thread. The story's here are heartbreaking and I send warm hugs to everyone.

I found on on 5/19/09 that my FWH had an EA/PA/EA with a co-worker from 2005 to early 2006 when the sex ended and continued as an E/A until late 2007 or longer.

We had grown apart and in January 2009 set our sites on really working together to fix our distance. We grew close again at an amazing pace and were truly happy. I was the happiest I'd been in years. However, this nagging gut feeling wouldn't go away that he was different somehow. I had asked him several times if he had had an affair and vehemently he denied it. So I went digging, finally, and found all of the emails and texts describing in great detail the love and passion they claim to have shared. She was married also.

For the past 14 months I have been living with trickle truth. Even yesterday I was given or "found out" more information that he had lied to me about previously.

The funny thing is, he's back. He's remorseful and determined to make our marriage work. His reasons for lying...he's ashamed. He's never admitting to loving her, he said she was a crutch and someone that was an "easy target". A few nice said here and there got him the validation and attention he needed without much effort.

I have felt crazy for a very long time. And I'm at a point now where oddly enough, despite the hell I've been through we've fixed our marriage and have a great relationship.

With one exception. He continues to look me right in the eye and lie to me about the details of his affair.

IT's awful because I could get over the affair, but I'm beginning to truly believe I will never get over the trickle truth. It is the worst torture I've ever endured.

I just don't know where to go from here. I'm at a loss. He has come to terms and put it in his past. He says it was fantasy bullshit and he regrets every moment and there isn't one thing from that time that brings him any joy whatsoever.

So it seems it's all on my shoulders to put it in my past also. That would be easy I suppose if I weren't living with the reminder.

Words cannot describe the loss I feel. The years I was robbed of , the memories. I've had to rewrite my life from the past five years.

I get so down sometimes that I can't imagine taking another breath. We have so many good days and times now but this is always here, in the pit of my stomach gnawing away at me and making me feel like I need to throw up.

I lost tremendous amounts of weight, threw up for months and months couldn't sleep and suffered from nightmares. I became a walking zombie. Living with the person responsible for all this pain has been difficult to say the least, despite his love and support.

I'm in shock at what I saw when I took off the rose colored glasses and when I realized the man of my dreams was so ordinary.

If you've made it this far, thank you for listening to me. I'm so sorry we are all here but very grateful I have found you.

~Phoenix


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, July 20th (Tuesday)

I just don't know where to go from here. I'm at a loss. He has come to terms and put it in his past.

Phoenix, that's exactly how I feel in my situation. Of course, we now have NC in place, but he hasn't seen these women in years anyway. (to my knowledge) The 180 is an excellent tool, but I should have been doing it years ago. He says he loves me, says he hasn't cheated on me in years, but something just doesn't feel right. I have no clue what to do either, it feels like my brain has been trickled-truthed into mush.

I'm in shock at what I saw when I took off the rose colored glasses and when I realized the man of my dreams was so ordinary.

Me too! I've been calling it my "Rude Awakening"

Pain from Truth - Are you glad you contacted the ex-friend? What did she say or do? There is one of my WH's OWs that became a "friend" after the A. She's the only one I feel like contacting, just to let her know that I know.


Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
sadyettrying
Member
Member # 28008
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, July 20th (Tuesday)

Pain From Truth - I hear what you are saying and felt the same way. Because my H and OW remained in very sporadic (once a year or so) email contact, he and I were able to craft a NC email to her that let her know I knew everything. I may have wanted to say more and deliver serious gut shots (snuck in a couple!) but it felt really good to let her know it was no longer "their" secret and that H was fully committed to me and our marriage.
Phoenix - hugs to you and I completely understand. Sometimes I think it might be easier to just let the memories of the past go and start all over. Sometimes I think that's what would happen if H and I divorced and I met someone new, so why not just start new with H? That, or course, is easier said than done.
You are certain he is still lying? My H withheld/actively lied to me about a few details - mainly because he did not want to cause me further pain or it was embarrassing. I begged for the truth and pointed out all that I had been able to handle already. I also had him read some things that pointed out that lying just postpones reconciliation. Perhaps you could share some articles like that with your H? I have to say that I still sometimes feel there are things he is lying about. From what I read and what MC said, that's normal. Stinks, though.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2010
pain from truth
Member
Member # 28821
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)

Are you glad you contacted the ex-friend? What did she say or do? There is one of my WH's OWs that became a "friend" after the A. She's the only one I feel like contacting, just to let her know that I know.

yes, I do wish I would have waited longer for the information to process thru my mind (I called within a week or two of dday). It was a quick conversation, she basically said zero. At first she was so glad to hear from me (when I stated who I was) haven't spoke to her in about 8yrs. I just said I know about your fbuddy (her words she called it w/ WH) and that WH told me and I did say something like do you want to talk to him (he was sitting w/ me...and she had the balls to say, if he wants to....I'm sure I called her a nice name or something and told her to forget ever knowing our family. she never admitted anything or said anything about it....one of those people if I don't acknowledge it, then it didn't happen. Atleast I know now and she & WH don't have their secret (it must have fully empowered her back then...what a joke)
Then a few weeks later, WH called her (i was there) just to tell her he loved me and they never had anything and he disprected me and that he has always loved me...all she said was, I don't appreciate you calling at my work.
what a bitch....I was thinking she would email or something and atleast appologize but, nothing...some people could careless, the attitude oh' well it was so long ago....ecck, makes my blood boil...she is trash, I always knew it and people like that will get theirs in the end. I wish I would have known years ago, I would have torn her up...now with kids and maturity, I guess jail time wouldn't be good...
she is a broken person who was sad and lonely

He says he loves me, says he hasn't cheated on me in years, but something just doesn't feel right. I have no clue what to do either, it feels like my brain has been trickled-truthed into mush.

this is what is fully blocking R, from myside....how do I really know it was the ones from years ago. He took a poly and had no problem wanting to take it but, he failed...he spiked on his own name. poly guy said he thought he was doing counter measures. I know that is not true, I could see the pain in my WH face I could feel his pain...he had no idea what counter measures are...
who knows, he really freaks me out...what if there has been more. We talk about this daily (I have tried every approach) and everyday he is willing to talk about it and still swears no other PAs....I keep saying I don't want my life built on lies, we did that for 14yrs....

maybe I will never know
any thoughts on that?????

he is 100% remorseful, in IC, SA groups, church group, talks openly, accountable, etc etc
so I know I should just live in the now but, its hard because our past was so clouded...I need to for my sanity and for our kids (the PAs were before the kids)

[This message edited by pain from truth at 2:30 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 38
WH (truthandpain) 43
M 15yrs / 2 kids 8 & 5yrs
D-day sexting type EA 7/28/09
D-day 08/19/09 admitted to 2 PA 13yrs & 9yrs ago
TTing 10mos on details...
6/22/10-finally said I want to R

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jun 2010
so-crushed
Member
Member # 29137
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 24th (Saturday)

Recently found out that H had 2 PA's. First was 10 yrs ago and the woman lived in another state. He saw her twice over a 1yr period and communicated with her via chat/cell phone. 2nd PA was 7 years ago with a local woman.. this lasted 3months. He's indicated he hasn't had any contact with either of them since the A's ended. It's raw for me...and not knowing the exact timeframe of the A's is having me question everything that happened back during these timeframes. "Were you with HER when this event in our lives happened.."? I feel like everything we've done over the past 7 years has ALL been built on lies. Two PA's so long ago, but the pain is just like it's happened yesterday. Can't get the visuals out of my head.. and keep rethinking everything. We're in MC.

[This message edited by so-crushed at 7:59 PM, July 24th (Saturday)]


Me - BS, 49
Him - WH, 49
Married 19yrs
D-Day, 5/29/10
1st A - EA/PA, 1998-2003(??) Long Distance
2nd A - PA, 2003-2004(??) Local

"You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul"


Posts: 189 | Registered: Jul 2010
sadyettrying
Member
Member # 28008
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, July 25th (Sunday)

(((so-crushed)))

I understand completely and am so sorry for what you are experiencing. It did happen "yesterday" for you, and what you and I are experiencing is no different from what someone who finds out at the time of the A experiences.
I wish I could offer some words of wisdom regarding the feeling that the past years have been a lie, but I am right there with you and have not figured that one out yet.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2010
feelingstupid09
Member
Member # 22946
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, July 25th (Sunday)

Things are going better for me the last few days. I have decided not to contact them although I think I will write something to just get it off my chest.

I have also come to better terms with the past. I too was looking at pics wondering what was happening at any given moment instead of really looking at the pictures (and scrapbooks that I make) and seeing a happy family. Seeing that we were a unit and for the most part happy. He has always assured me he was and that he was broken and thought something was missing and each time he looked, he found each time the experience fell flat and he felt horrible. I think with most WS it's all that leads up to the cheating rather than the cheating.

I felt with had a solid marriage then and I believe that he loves me now and that he loved me then. I think that's what you have to decide. Did you love him then? Then the past isn't a lie for you. Do you think he loves/loved you? Then again, the past isn't a lie.

take care and good luck. Know that this is a struggle we all go through.


BS: me 52 (not feeling stupid now)
WS: him 50
DDay 2/7/09 gave me most of it, but full
disclosure came 8/30/09 about 15+ years of hookers/strippers/other women.
We are reconciling; we will make it.
Married for 23 years with 2 beautiful children:

Posts: 170 | Registered: Feb 2009
so-crushed
Member
Member # 29137
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, July 25th (Sunday)

Thanks so much. Today I came across a note the 2nd OW sent my WH 7 yrs ago, attached to instructions for an i-pod. According to the note, the folks in her office all pulled together to buy my WH an I-Pod. Gosh, I feel so STUPID. I remember questioning the "gift" when it arrived so long ago... never thinking my WH was having a PA with this woman. She also sent my WH some "gifts" that she picked up while supposedly she and her husband visited the Pearl Harbor memorial. I remember questioning all of this and was just told that this woman was "a friend". How could I have been so STUPID?!

My WH has told me that the PA that occurred 7yrs ago opened his eyes as to what he was putting at risk (our marriage and family). I just don't know.

Just when I feel like we're making progress, something happens to open these wounds wide up again. I feel so much anger at both of these women...(and my WH).. the 2nd one in particular for all of these 'gifts'. Gosh, when does it get easier?


Me - BS, 49
Him - WH, 49
Married 19yrs
D-Day, 5/29/10
1st A - EA/PA, 1998-2003(??) Long Distance
2nd A - PA, 2003-2004(??) Local

"You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul"


Posts: 189 | Registered: Jul 2010
sadyettrying
Member
Member # 28008
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 26th (Monday)

I have felt stupid, too, but I am going to tell you that we should not. It is not stupid to love and trust someone. For many of us, there was just no reason to have really challenged what was said or to have thought anything was amiss. Remember that people who are cheating are very good at deceiving and covering their tracks. So I understand feeling stupid, and it is legitimate to feel it, but it is not true.

Unfortunately, because the affairs happened so long ago, there will continue to be "new" discoveries and realizations. It just plain sucks when you suddenly recall something you were doing or something significant that happened during the time of the affair and are left to wonder what exactly was happening with your spouse at that moment. Actually, at times I think the not being certain as to what was going on either with you or with him is helpful - I am reaching a point where I can sometimes tell myself that I will never have the answer so maybe it is better to just let it go.

I understand the anger, too. At your H, at the other women. Unfortunately, new revelations or understandings tend to bring new anger. Hopefully your MC is helping with these issues.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2010
influx
Member
Member # 13092
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, July 26th (Monday)

This has been eating at me for months.

The only ones I know about are his one-time "ONS" (per him) and a 2 month PA with a MOW 19 years younger which resulted in a pregnancy and an abortion. Apparently this woke him up and we reunited 2 months after his leaving me.

It's been 4 years since then. I asked him a few times during these 4 years if these were the only times and he said they were. He even said that he had the ONS out of "curiosity" because he was never with anyone else before me, making me believe that this WAS his first time.

I keep thinking back over the prior 27 years and, either due to paranoia or my gut, wonder about several other times years ago when I should have acted on reg flags and didn't due to some reason or another--I was young with 4 little kids, scared, living in new places all of the time, in denial, etc.

Do I really need to open up this can of worms? This is eating at me.

If I decide I really need to dig deeper, how do I broach this? I anticipate the eye rolling, etc.


Me: BW
Him: WH
In R, doing good as far as I can tell.

But, that's just me...

You just gotta BELIEVE

Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug...


Posts: 1755 | Registered: Dec 2006
cuckhold
Member
Member # 25015
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 27th (Tuesday)

influx, should you decide to "go further," maybe mentioning that a polygraph test would REALLY put your mind at ease....

Posts: 716 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: michigan
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, July 27th (Tuesday)

Sadly, I belong here, too.
I was awake all night and today I just feel like...


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25425 | Registered: Sep 2005
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 30th (Friday)

I feel your pain, anger, and confusion. I recently found out about my wh STA 7 years ago. I'm beginning to think 7 is a number I'll never think of as just a number. Seven years ago it happened and then he's lied for seven years.

I feel like I was robbed of so much. I didn't know I was in competition for my H. I didn't get the chance to decide what to do about it then. I didn't get the chance to find out who OW was. I didn't the chance to fix our M or the problems we had. I didn't get to trust myself becaquse I was always told it was my imagination. I was very active.

Now I get as chance to I know he cheated and he's sorry. I have the chance to know he chose me over her. I have the chance to feel stupid because I believed him over my own instincts. I get the chance towonder about everything and anything that has happened over the past 7 years. I now get the chance to decide what to do with the rest of my life. Decide if I will ever trust him again. I get the chance to do some serious self soul searching and figure out what I really want from him and our M. But mostly I now have the chance to dwell on a past that isn't what I thought it was and wonder that I'm not in the nut house.

(((Hugs to you all)))


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
unthinkablepain
New Member
Member # 29243
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, August 5th (Thursday)

this is so hard I have been with him since 1997, I was fifteen when we started living together. We got married april of 2004. At the time I was three months pregnant with our third child. He didn't even try to consomate the marraige. At the time it didn't make sence but I thought he was just tired. I had my DD on october 19th 2009. He had had an affair with my aunt. He says it started a month after the wedding, she had a different story and my time line is all screwed up. It went on for atleast three years wich it only ended because we moved two thousand miles away. He had to go back though right after the move and was seeing her then to. I can't realy get him to talk to me and I feel that I am still being lied to. I have caught him over the years hiding porn mags and closing internet sites as i enter the room. I don't think I can leave him and even though he sais he still loves me I feel that he does not. I think he will do it again and I feel like I am wasting the last of my youth with him. I am totaly lost and the pain is so unbearable it feels like the loss of a loved one! I feel my family(mom n sis) is tired of me venting to them and when I ask him questions or just try to talk with him about it he gets angry and clams up. The both of them are lying and now she won't speek to me, I have been trying to reach her to let her know that some where along the way he gave me an std and she needs to be tested. I don't know what's worse the std her being my aunt or that he paid her when I was at home and willing to do whatever he wanted. I also found out he was with AW last summer. I tracked her down she wouldn't talk either. I ended up punching her twice and slashing a hole in her tire. I do not know what to do I am going crazy and I don't recognize my self any more. I feel hopeless and alone!

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Way North California
JustSoTired2
Member
Member # 29207
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, August 6th (Friday)

Unfortunately I guess I should post here as well.

Made out with another guy that I introduced her to in passing on our "first" date.

Was screwing around with the guys she worked with, both single and married, both before and after we were married.

And I found out almost two years after the fact that she was and have been dealing with the lies ever since.

If not for the kids.....

Oh well, time to paste back on my smile and pretend its not all gone horribly wrong again somehow.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Indiana
badcsm
New Member
Member # 18394
Angry  Posted: 3:38 AM, August 16th (Monday)

Well, I belong. I will not give details. Four years after my wife passed away, I found out I had lived a 37 1/2 year lie. I am now 75 and I really do not know how to deal with it. My doctor is going way out of his way to help me.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wichita Falls
punkdagain
Member
Member # 29348
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, August 18th (Wednesday)

badcsm, I am so sorry you won't ever get that closure to this. I can only imagine the gut punch you must be feeling about your life together. Unfortunately you are the only one left to deal with the emotions. I will be thinking of you.

I also belong here. In a way, it's a good thing it's over and don't have to deal with a messy horrifying situation (again) but it's still the same issues/hurt/anger/ugliness. Sigh. I just found out last week but it happened 3 years ago.

[This message edited by punkdagain at 5:28 PM, August 18th (Wednesday)]


married 11 years, together 14
#1 1998-99
#2 2007-08
#3 2010...
all POS lowlifes

not sure what I want anymore


Posts: 188 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: at the bottom of a hole
5kids
New Member
Member # 29255
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, August 19th (Thursday)

My husband had a two night affair (they did it twice) in 2004, I kind of found out he liked this woman in 2005 (he told me nothing had happened but that he did like her) and then with another woman (blowjob) in 2008. I found out about both in July 2010. There was no question of reconciliation... he doesn't want to leave and doesn't wnt me to either. We have lived for 2 years since the last time with me in the dark. We have had 2 children since the first time he cheated and one more since the last time he cheated. He says there will be no more cheating. I guess I believe him for now. But I wonder after reading several posts are cheaters mostly habitual. CAN they stop? My father cheted on my mom once and lived with the lady for a year, but to my knowledge and that of my mother's there was never another incident. Do you think cheaters are always habitual or can they stop? My husband says, he could no longer bear the burden. He says everyday he almost told me, wanted to tell me, but was afraid I would end our marriage and he didn't want to end our marriage. I was never replaced in his mind or his heart and what he did was stupid in 2004 and the blowjob lady was just presented and he did it. Where he works ALOT of the people are illegals (he says if they have papers the company can't do anything about it even if they're suspicious) and they will do anything to get to stay in America. He is a supervisor and he says it happens to all the bosses there. They all get propositioned. He says he wasn't in any relationship with either of them, but that they approached him and offered and he did it while thinking, "what am I doing?" the whole time. I feel stupid for just believing him, but what else can I do? We've been married for 14 years with 5 children and I am a stay at home momma. In everyone elses experiences how does this go away? I keep reminding myself it was 5 years ago, I can hardly remember 5 years ago... so for him it was a long time ago, but for me it happened in July because that's whn I found out about it. How is it different for you guys? 5 years ago doesn't diminish it for me, but both ladies are LONG gone, so there isn't OW and yet she is with me all day. She's with me when we make love, she's with me during my walk each day, she's with me when we kiss, she's with me when I touch him. He swears she was nothing. He swears he felt awful and cried in his truck several nights just agonizing over telling me, trying to push it away. How have you guys dealt with many years afterwards and how did it differ from woman/men who have been cheated on more recently or are being cheated on now... what do I expect? We have had awesome sex lately, but now a switch has flipped and I am becoming more and more angry... he is becoming more and more loving... what do I do?

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2010
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, August 19th (Thursday)

(((badcsm)))My heart breaks for you. You have found the right place...there are other gentlemen with stories similar to yours...I just can't think of their names right now.

(((5kids))) I was surprised how much my reaction was exactly like those of folks who found out about more recent As - the anger, questions, weight loss. For you, it was like yesterday, not five years ago. You're reacting completely normally. (I don't know if that is a relief, it is all so awful)


Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
strivn4peace
Member
Member # 29311
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, August 21st (Saturday)

I'm not sure if this is the right place for my question but here goes...

I found out two years after my FWH ended his last A. During my discovery of all the affairs, I learned that I was, in fact, an OW myself. My FWH was 4 months into a relationship when he met me. He didn't end that relationship until 5-6 months after we started dating. Hence, he was seeing us both at the same time (as well as other women). I found out from the discovery emails that he may have seen me one night, and her the next. We all lived far apart from each other so it was easy for him to hide his As. Neither his girlfriend nor I had any idea about each other. Nor did either of us know about his other As.

My only knowledge of her (his false story of course) was that he dated her a few times before he met me. Reason that ever came up is I attended a party with my FWH and someone asked if I was who she met at a party he attended a few weeks after we met. Other TTs occured over our engagment but I was always given the impression (until this year) that their relationship ended around the time ours began.

He broke things off with her in summer 2006. She left in tears. He continued to email her (but never saw her) for another year (until about a month before we married). During that time, he did mention he was in a new relationship when she asked to meet with him (by email) and he responded that it would not be a good idea. It was almost a year after we married (summer 2008)that he admitted to her (again in response to an email from her) that he was married. (He later said he didn't tell her before because he didn't want her to figure out that he was possibly seeing me while dating her. He didn't want to hurt HER feelings.) Their communcations became very rare by September 2007.

So my question: It's now 4 years after they broke up and contact is rare (once or twice since he told her he was married, she forwarded a mass email to him). Does she have a right to know about me? Or is this just setting up someone for being hurt when there is no more contact?

I am torn on this issue. On one hand, I want her to know that I didn't know I was an OW. It wasn't my fault. On the other hand, is it fair to bring up something from before when she has most likely moved on in her life and has no idea that she was cheated on? Should I be the only one to hurt and is telling her just being vindictive (THAT I don't want to do).

Anyone have thoughts on this?

[This message edited by strivn4peace at 4:59 PM, August 21st (Saturday)]


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” ~Author unknown

I have one foot in, one foot out...but if he continues to progress the way he seems to be lately, I'll bring my foot in and close the door.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: DC Area
feelingstupid09
Member
Member # 22946
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, August 21st (Saturday)

5kids we are in the same boat except my WH first "encounter" with a stripper was only a couple of years after we were married, then a ONS three years later and another a couple of years later...the pattern seems to be a ONS every 2+ years if I am to believe what he tells me, which I am beginning to.

He too said, "he could no longer bear the burden. He says everyday he almost told me, wanted to tell me, but was afraid I would end our marriage and he didn't want to end our marriage. I was never replaced in his mind or his heart and what he did was stupid"

Always felt badly after, never really enjoyed it; it was more about the "chase".

We are about 18 months into R. Started really immediately because of the tremendous remorse I saw in his face and the fact he is doing everything by the "book" and he doesn't read books. He will do anything; our only real problem is "remembering" which like you said tough to remember that long ago.

I so want to contact the two women I know about, but why? What would that accomplish?


BS: me 52 (not feeling stupid now)
WS: him 50
DDay 2/7/09 gave me most of it, but full
disclosure came 8/30/09 about 15+ years of hookers/strippers/other women.
We are reconciling; we will make it.
Married for 23 years with 2 beautiful children:

Posts: 170 | Registered: Feb 2009
button12
Member
Member # 29415
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, August 27th (Friday)

Jeez, the time-lag is sooo awful. I just found out, last week pretty much, that my partner slept with someone in the backyard of a friend's minutes from our house, while I was at home - 2 years ago. Another nail in the coffin. I'm finding it really hard to reconcile in myself.
Much love to all those in similar situations....


me: 29, him: 28
Together 4yrs
He slept with at least 3 women
D-Day - 15th May 2011
"How fickle my heart, how woozy my eyes, I struggle to find any truth in your lies".

Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, September 15th (Wednesday)

I have read through this whole thread and I want to send ((((Hugs)))) to you all. There are so many variables in infidelity but the pain is a common factor regardless.

I have a question for those of you who spent most of your married life living in the shadow of infidelity but not knowing.

My H had his first ONS a month prior to our wedding, so I never had a fighting chance at a "real" M.

Less than 6 months into our M I "sensed" something was wrong and spent the next 19 years trying to fix it.

Anyhow, long story short, my question is this:

How do you deal with M issues when logically most of the M issues are due to infidelity? My H's guilt, anger, projection, blame shifting, gaslighting, etc it was all founded on his infidelities. Am I to just let that all go now?

What have you done?

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3434 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
1985
Member
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, September 15th (Wednesday)

My DDay was 25 years ago and it was 5 years after my W's A ended. So I have had a lot of time to think about the question of "am I happy I found out long after it ended or not happy".
I believe that if I had found out at the time it was actually going on (and absolutely if I had walked in on "the act") that I would have divorced. I just have concluded that it would have been too much for me to take; the doubting would have been too overwhelming; healing would not have been possible.
By finding out 5 years later I was able to see that she had ended it on her own and not because she got busted; that she had chosen to stay on her own and not because she was confronted with an immediate choice; that she had ceased contact on her own.
Those things formed a foundation for me to start from and build on emotionally.
With that foundation, we stayed together (see: recent post in Reconciliation -- "40th Anniversary").
Not to say it was easy. I still had all of the pain and anger and sense of loss and uncertainties that you all describe. It is just that I had a foundation of some positive things to come back to and cling to that would not have been there if I had discovered it in progress.


Me-BH 63
Her-fWW 63
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
DDay June, 1985
DDay June 1985
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 4 grandkids

Posts: 591 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, September 16th (Thursday)

1985 Thanks for the great post. I found out seven years after the A. I, like you would have divorced my FWH had I known then. We are working on R at this point in time something I would not have done then.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, September 16th (Thursday)

1985 and Dallas 2 - I also probably would have D'd if I would have found out during (of course I will never really know for sure)

What I am pondering is not to stay in the M or not, what I am pondering is all the M issues over the last 22 years (17 of which he was actively cheating) and knowing that most all of those issues were a direct result of his double life. Now there is not a double life, yet I have all the wounds from all those years.

He is a "new" person but I am still the same person shaped by his "abuse" of me all those years.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3434 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Content  Posted: 10:07 PM, September 16th (Thursday)

GraciesGood

My MC told me to let it go. He had already punished himself all these years.On the logical side I can sort of understand this concept. He's the one who missed out on some of the most joyous times in our life. However, my heart says why should I let it go, hwen he kept the secret so long and deprived me of what we had. Like 1985 he endedon his own. Have you discussed what was happening. Is he a very insecure man or needy. Seven kids must take a lot of your energy. I also felt like he had beaten me down and then one day I realized that I had let him do it to me. I do not tolerate it anymore.
I guess you have to figure out if you still love him or not and he has to the same.
I would start with that. Are you in any type of MC and or IC. I'm doing both. It helps me to talk to somebody who doesn't take sides. I am having a hard time with this one but think about what he needs to do to help you heal and then tell him so he knows. I wish you luck and will keep you in my prayers.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
played-a-fool
Member
Member # 29476
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, September 17th (Friday)

I found out 19 yrs after my WW's A. It may have happened 19 yrs ago for her but it happened 7 mos ago for me. A couple of things really tick me off about this. She had the A, which only consisted of 1 physical encounter but a short EA, and then went on to have another child with me. Then theres the 19 yrs of deception. If I had known for sure then I would have divorced her when there was only one child for us. Now theres a teen aged daughter in the house that needs her father. And becaue of the 19 yrs of deception I will never believe another thing she tells me. I consider her the best liar I have ever met. We are in R but I think its only for my daughter for me. WW is doing everything she is supposed to for me to heal and I am making a lot of progress but I still have doubts that I will be able to stay with her.
I agree with a lot of what 1985 says though. She ended it on her own and says she felt absolutely disgusted with what she did. She said no love or pleasure at all and she cant believe she let herself do that. She still should have told me so that I could have made my own choice. Now 19 yrs of my life are a lie and I will never get those yrs back. She says she was terrified she would loose me. I think if you look in the dictionary beside the word selfish you would see her picture. Yes, I'm more mature now and I probably would have left her back then so she's right about that, but it would have been my choice. Instead she imposed her will on my life.


Me - BH
Her - FWW
Trying to R

Trust is difficult to earn but so very easy to lose. It's a gift that should be treasured and guarded.


Posts: 637 | Registered: Aug 2010
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, September 17th (Friday)

Dallas2-

I only have 4 kids (not 7), we were married 8 years, together 10, before the kids came. He did the Majority of his infidelity before we had kids, so it was not like he was not getting his needs met at home because I was "focused" on the kids, my whole focus in our M was on him, I worked for him, I cleaned for him, I was available for him, cooperative for him, willing to try things for him,etc. So that dynamic does not play into our situation. And once the kids came, my habit of putting him first was so ingrained that it continued.

My H does not even realize all the things he missed out on, his self focus was so strong that he really does not have a clue, all he can see is himself and his life, he has no idea what all I suffered for him, when I tell him things from "our" past, he is totally shocked, has no recollection because he was so checked out, I have no one to witness my pain, no one to validate or authenticate it, I am just sitting on this island full of pain, no room to move all alone.

I blocked the pain for 19 years because I thought that my one and only requirement was being met. All I ever required of my H was that he be faithful. I glossed over all my pain from his mistreatment of me because I told myself that my deepest need was being met, but then I found out that it was not being met, and more so, had NEVER been met, all that pain for NOTHING. It is like wearing braces and head gear for 20 years tolerating the pain, the discomfort, spending the money, loosing time at appointments, not eating favorite foods, etc, only to have them removed and to still have crooked teeth and be embarrased to smile. And now I am to just let it go, let the orthodontist off the hook, let him put new braces on me and believe they will work this time?

No, not in IC or MC cannot afford it, but that is not to say I am not proactive, I read here, I read there, I get books at the library, I talk to people online, I tried to join BAN, have tried theophostic prayer, meditation, etc.

think about what he needs to do to help you heal and then tell him so he knows

How does one know what they need to heal. Sure I know what I need to stay in the M, transparancy, honesty, blah, blah. But what to heal, it is not like I came with a manual, do X, Y and Z and she is "cured", I have never dealt with this before, I have no frame of reference. I have never "healed" from anything, I have just kept on keeping on my whole life. I know things I think I need but my H will not do those things, he says he cannot, they are not "him" and how can I fault that or question it, what if I force him/require him to do those things and they do not work for me, they are not the key to heal me? So then I think I figure out what I need and he is going to be all on board with that after I made him do things that did not work? I think not.

At this time, out of all my reading/communicatng, etc, this quote from "How Can I Forgive You?" is what resonates with me the most:


"Health comes not from exorcising painful events from our minds but from bearing witness to our pain, acknowledging its impact, commiserating with our selves, mourning our losses, and then giving new meaning and creating new connections with people...." Just letting it go will not accomplish this will it???

Thank you for your time and thoughts, it is greatly appreciated, I am sorry I am not "easier" and cannot just have an "ah ha" moment over this, it is a huge sticking point for me.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3434 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, September 17th (Friday)

I blocked the pain for 19 years because I thought that my one and only requirement was being met. All I ever required of my H was that he be faithful. I glossed over all my pain from his mistreatment of me because I told myself that my deepest need was being met, but then I found out that it was not being met, and more so, had NEVER been met, all that pain for NOTHING.

Oh Grace, I so understand this. I put up with so much, his alcoholism, smoking, drugs, mood swings, poor treatment of me, and I always told myself that I wasn't perfect either, and rationalized it as "At least he's not cheating." So on D-day, all these years of crappy treatment just hit me in the face.

I don't know - how does one go back and make retroactive boundaries? Is it reasonable for me to tell him to stop doing things that I let go all these years? It's been awful hard to face myself too and wonder how I put up with it.

I think I will bring this up next time in MC.


Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 17th (Friday)

how does one go back and make retroactive boundaries?

Great question and one I ponder as well, not only how but should.

Is it reasonable for me to tell him to stop doing things that I let go all these years?

Yes, I think it is reasonable, just like he could request changes from me I should be able to request them as well, of course that does not mean he will grant those changes, or make it easy, or not try to pull the "it never bothered you before?" line. Especially if he knew the "deal" prior to D-day was that these things slid because he was keeping up his end of the deal (being faithful), he took his end off the table, so of course you can take yours off now IMO. My H knew our "deal" I made it clear prior to M, problem is he did not really understand it, and he "heard" something different, that is on his shoulders, not mine.

It's been awful hard to face myself too and wonder how I put up with it.

Yes, that is a tough one. I know that I feel like not only did my H betray me, but I betrayed me as well. To realize how truly naive and unaware I was makes me doubt my level of awareness today. I do know how I put up with it though, I am good at playing games in my head to endure things, so good that it is just automatic, I do not even realize something makes me feel bad until much much later, so much later that it is really too late to confront or do anything about. I try to see myself ovjectively (well, as much as I can) and realize that if a stranger were to tell me my story I would feel empathy for them and try to encourage them and try to help them see that it was not deliberate, but it was ignorance. I come from a very religious background and have had humility and dying to self, and putting others first, and the idea that I am a worthless sinner, capapble of all sorts of atrocities, so who am I to judge another, etc. This plays a huge role in all this as well.

Good luck getting the answers/clarity/direction you need in this area with your MC

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3434 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, September 17th (Friday)

played-a-fool-

She still should have told me so that I could have made my own choice

Yes, that is such a tough thing IMO. I thought I was living a life making my own choices and dealing with my own consequences, you know lying in my bed, and that is part of what allowed me to take so much for so long, but then to find out that those choices I made were not really mine, but based on lies and manipulation will do a mind bender on you.

I never got to make an honest fully informed choice/decision my whole adult life. Cannot get that back.

There is no restitution, there is not making it up, it is a total and complete loss.

My H cannot say that he had the truth, he choose to have 4 kids with me knowing the truth, I did not get that choice. Being someones pawn sucks, even if they were not intentionally, maliciously doing it, it still sucks.


Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3434 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Tryingtoheal61
Member
Member # 29633
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 20th (Monday)

Hi, joining this thread. My F?WH's A was six years ago. The A partner told, who happens to be his ex-wife.

We were only married for two years and we were fighting a lot. XW was giving F?WH a difficult time about visitation with his daughters. XW was essentially controlling our home and older daughter in conjunction was treating me disrespectfully. Ahh, the whole blended family.

Also, please bear in mind that two years prior to that we had arrived home from our honeymoon to a lawsuit from XW. This woman created a lot of pain for F?WH and myself, so who in their right mind would have an A with such a person?! Yep, my F?WH.

During the A, as I said there was a lot of fighting. Only to come to find out that they were too. She was threatening to tell me. So, my F?WH's A was not escape, no bills, no laundry, no children that was not the case for him. Which completely boggles my mind.

He says he was afraid of losing me and his children. Of course, he wanted it all.

I had thrown him out a few times because of the fighting and then we went to counseling during that time, but he lied - shocking-not! I feel so stupid for not realizing that he was in the fog, that I thought he was just selfish and thoughtless.

Sometimes, I get frustrated because I was also in pain during my marriage when we were essentially supposed to be newlyweds (our second year of marriage), he went outside of our marriage to make himself feel better. I stayed in it in pain, trying to make it work as I believed in my marriage vows.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had kicked him out for good, where would I be today. Possibly with someone else, who didn't bring this darkness to our marriage, early on and now. That woman will always be in our life in some capacity.

We are back in court regarding visitation because they had tried a second time, thought about getting remarried before he met me, had another child and because they were divorced and child was born after that, there is no court order regarding that child. We have been in and out of court for 8 years. XW is with someone else and has been for three years, but still gives my F?WH difficulty about visiting with his daughter. I'm not sure if I can tolerate another 6 years.


Reconciling

Posts: 828 | Registered: Sep 2010
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, September 20th (Monday)

Tryingtoheal61 -

I am sorry for why you are here, but welcome, and nice to meet you.

You are in a super tough bind with the Ow being the X and the child visitation and all. I do not have such experience so cannot offer any advise, sorry.


I get frustrated because I was also in pain during my marriage when we were essentially supposed to be newlyweds (our second year of marriage), he went outside of our marriage to make himself feel better. I stayed in it in pain, trying to make it work as I believed in my marriage vows.

Do you mind sharing what kind of pain you were in during your M? I too was in pain during my M pre D-day.

It feels to me that many people on SI had good M pre D-day (I know this is a generalization, and there are many different types of M Pre D-day, this is just how I feel)and they want to go back to the pre A M. I do not want the pre A M, so I am intrigued to see someone who was in pain as I was (not infidelity related directly) in their M and I desire to know what they feel about it.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3434 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, September 21st (Tuesday)

He a new person but I'm the same one formed by all years of abuse from him
.
GraciesGood.

This as been so true for me too. The I realized I allowed it to happen. I felt he was such a good man to stay with me when I became chronically ill and unable to work. No more will I put up with his treatment of me. But I seem to still not push my new M boundries but am working on it.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Tryingtoheal61
Member
Member # 29633
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, September 21st (Tuesday)

GracieisGood,

Thanks for the welcome, nice people here, but wish I didn't have to join the club.

Anyway, you asked what kind of pain I was in before D-day, it was during the first two years of our marriage. He has two daughters and I have a son from a previous marriage for him and a previous relationship for me. Anyway, his oldest daughter and my son are only 1 year apart in age, but the discrepancies about how consequences were handed out were very different. My SD was allowed to disrespect me in my home. I didn't appreciate it and was vocal about it. I will give you one example that has stuck with me, I was outside working in my garden in the front yard. WH and SD walk in, SD looks at me and doesn't acknowledge me in any way. As if I'm non-existent. I mention it to my WH, I'm upset, angry, hurt, he doesn't want to talk about it (sweep it under the rug, like many things) and wants to take her out for her birthday and act as if nothing happened. Making me feel like I am nothing in my home. Which led to a screaming fight in the middle of a parking lot restaurant. Unfortunately, there were many incidences like that.

Also, it was very confusing because I treated my son and his youngest daughter essentially the same, he never said a word about guiding them, reprimanding them, asking them to help with dinner dishes, set the table, clear, whatever. If I looked at his oldest daughter and he thought I was crossed eyed, he would flip out. Yelling at me for looking at her like that. Our MC at the time said, to ask oldest daughter to help with whatever, I would as was directed by our MC and WH would lose his mind. So, then I would ask him to ask her and then, again, he would say just ask her. I was so lost confuse, felt like I was twisting in the wind.

Since we have been back at MC it has been discovered that my WH is NPD with lack of empathy. Our MC said he could not help us until we went to IC. I had gone a few times, but at this point, feel pretty good and have stopped. My WH is still in IC and may be for some time.

I'm not sure if we are going to go back to MC, but eventually I would like to because I have residual pain from that part of life. I felt like he was taking and taking and not protecting me. It felt like he, his ex-wife and oldest daughter were my enemies. Still trying to work through that.

[This message edited by Tryingtoheal61 at 10:05 AM, September 21st (Tuesday)]


Reconciling

Posts: 828 | Registered: Sep 2010
Tryingtoheal61
Member
Member # 29633
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, September 21st (Tuesday)

Just wanted to add, that since D-Day my F?WH is becoming the man I knew he could be. Our marriage seems more respectful, he rarely communicates with XW, mostly through lawyers and oldest daughter lives on her own and seems to have grown up somewhat, she's still young and needs some maturing. So, no, I would not want to go back to that time. If our marriage had continued on that track, we would be divorced.


Reconciling

Posts: 828 | Registered: Sep 2010
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, September 21st (Tuesday)

Tryingtoheal61 - thank you so much for sharing more of your story. I can relate even though ours was not a blended family as yours is.

My H too would flop back an forth, getting mad at me for doing one thing, then get mad at me for later trying to do it his way, telling me then to do it the way I did it the first time. Yes, it is crazy making.

My H had not empathy either. He is slowly learning it, what is frustrating is to see his empathy for others, his response to sad stories on the news, or things in our friends life, yet his lack of awareness of my need for his empathy.

Good luck with your continued journey through this, glad your H is keeping up with his IC.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3434 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 22nd (Friday)

I hope this isthe right place for this,
My H had an A seven years ago I just found out in April this year. He extremely reluctant to talk about it. Well during our last conversation he told me he had seen her at a party a few years ago with her new boyfriend and since heard she had gotten M. Then a little later he said a couple of years ago he heard she had breast cancer.
Is it normal for a WS spouse to keep hearing about his AP through the years or is my gut right in feeling he asks about her?


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, October 22nd (Friday)

I found out years later, but my H's Ap's were all ONS varieties, so there were no "relationships", so I cannot give experience on this.


BUT>>>>>>>> I have learned to go with my gut. I would rather take the chance that it is wrong and apologize for that to my H than second guess myself now and find out down the road my gut was right.

No more Mrs. Nice Girl. I have forewarned my H regarding this and he understands that I need to trust my gut and he knows I will not crazy making accusations, or anything, but that I have to answer my gut's questions.

Good luck figuring out which way to go and finding the answers you need.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3434 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
McKenziesWish
Member
Member # 11970
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, October 24th (Sunday)

Re: Polygraph counter measures...

My stbxh was all too willing to take a poly for his "one night stand." Just his willingness and sincerity was all I needed to feel that he had told the truth about his drunken "ONS"...that ONS lasted YEARS....and when I snooped on his computer in his temp files....I traced his googles to about 4 weeks of googling "how to cheat a polygraph, how to lie on a polygraph, how to confuse a polygraph." Do you know he was going to put a tack in his shoe and then step hard...pushing it into his big toe...during honest answers and lies....i found an email where he was telling her how he would do it. YES sweetie...they DO KNOW COUNTER MEASURES

and lie? Try this one...Uhm, why are you googling how to pass a polygraph? HIS answer: uhm because I love you so much and you are my life. I know sometimes the poly's are not accurate and I just can not lose you! I do not want to mess up and ACCIDENTALLY?!?!?!? fail the poly. I am going to tell the truth...but I just want to make sure.

They are counting on us to look at their puppy dog eyes and hear their sweet words and ONCE AGAIN they will be the perfect, honest, sincer, loving, misunderstood prince that we married....i woke up from my dream....4 years after a drunken one night stand that I know now from proof actually has last almost 6 years.


"He is a


Posts: 712 | Registered: Sep 2006
Alana89
Member
Member # 25011
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, October 24th (Sunday)

I found out after we'd separated. My gut instincts were confirmed. We've since D'd.

The hardest thing for me is that they are still together.

I want answers. I want to know how long it had gone on because I feel that those months/years were lies. Everything. The talks, the fights, the holidays,,,, every moment we were together .. all pretend. A Fantasy Land I wasn't aware I was living in. All the guilt I put on myself for our marital problems. Every stinking moment.

And as much as I want these answers; I don't equally as much. We have kids and he's a good dad. I'm from (apparently) the old school that I will protect my children from this pain. It's grown up issues. While I know it's he who did this; I won't be the one to let my kids know and ultimately change and possibly ruin their childhood.

So I suck it up and keep my mouth shut. That's hard because I have all this bottled up anger towards the both of them.

But in the end I'm a mom first and protecting my kids is my only priority,,,,


Posts: 334 | Registered: Aug 2009
nova18
Member
Member # 23177
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, October 25th (Monday)

I knew if I logged on to SI enough, I would eventually find someone to post a question that has recently been plaguing me.

What I though was my H first and only A was discovered in 2006, roughly a year after he and his AP both ended it. It was supposedly a long term EA that almost became a PA, but he swears that it never reached that point(due to her refusal)

I went through enough hell, depression, anxiety, and God knows everything else to try to find out how someone I had been married to for almost 34 years(at the time) could carry on such a long term relationship with someone(his co-worker) that he had not known that lomg.
After IC on my part,plus antidepressants, and a useless session for both of us with a MC, he started to bend over backwards to make up for the s*** and pain he caused me.

For reasons known only to God,I found a month ago, some floppy discs that he had hidden in his home office. Since I discovered evidence of his "first" A by finding and playing a hidden CD that contained pictures of him and the OW at a private birthday party she had thrown him(at her house), I decided to load the floppy disc and see what was on it. If you know anything about these things, you know the year the documents were "typed" appear on the doucument. Well, I came across a couple of romantic poems(the same damn MO used with the last OW) and a letter explaining how he had known this OW for 13 years. Iknow then, that this was an A that I was totally clueless about.

I confronted him, and he confessed that it was not a PA, that it didn"t last very long,m yada ,yada, yada.

Now I find myself wondering if there were other EA's that I wasn't so clever at discovering. Most of all, I wonder what or who was/is this person who has been masquerading as my husband all these years.

I was so disgusted by his lies and lack of canscience that I flat out told him that I sdidn't love him anymoreand didn't want to be married to him any longer. Of course, now that he is olderand not in good health, he says he will pray that God helps us get through all the pain he has caused;he does not want to leave me,nor does he want me to leave him.

Right now, I have closed my heart to him, and regard him now as a live-in companion . I hate that I did not have the presence of mind to leave him in 2006 when I first found out what he was capapble of.


Me: BS
Him:Sociopath/narcissist who specialized in going after divorcees willing to sleep with a married man

Posts: 169 | Registered: Mar 2009
whyme52
Member
Member # 29891
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, October 26th (Tuesday)

Wow, I guess I found another forum that fits my situation. I seem to belong to a few of them. I discovered on 10/14/10 that my WH had a cyber A for 2 years from 2006 to 2008. He was on some porn site having "sessions" with the same OW (slut) for two years while telling me that he would never cheat on me. Just because it ended 2 years ago it doesn't hurt any less because I just discovered it. WH tried to tell me that it wasn't cheating it was just a porn site and no big deal. He actually emailed this OW telling her how much he loved her and wished that he could hold her in his arms all night long. I told him he betrayed our wedding vows and it is cheating because they had sex just not in the same room together.

I found emails and pictures of things he did and it was the most disgusting thing I have ever had to see. I feel so stupid because I didn't know and I trusted this man more than anyone in my life. he swore that he would never cheat on me because he had been cheated on and knew what it felt like.

I have tried to get answers out of him but all I get is "I don't remember", that is bs to me. He can remember that it was only with one slut so he can remember the A. He says that he told her he loved her because it was part of the "game". So I wonder if telling me he loved me was also a "game". He was having this A while professing to love me. It finally makes sense why he never wanted sex with me no matter how I begged him. He was distant and always on the computer. He even did one of these "session" at work knowing he could have been fired.

He now admits that what he did was cheating but that he was doing "coke" so that was why he had the A. He knows he has hurt me but keeps talking about reconsiliation and I am still trying to process what he did. I wonder if he also had a PA with someone. Why didn't I know what he was doing? Why didn't I see the signs that he was cheating? I keep asking why but I know I will never get an answer to that question. I have left him and moved into my own apt. but I can't stop thinking about what he did. I can't sleep, eat or find joy in life. All I can think about is how could he keep this 2 year A a secret from me. How did he block it out of his mind and tell me he loved me? Who is this man? He is not the man that I married, this is some strange person I have never known.I can't stand to look at him but at the same time I miss him. We were getting ready to celebrate our 10 year anniversary and were going to go to the bahamas and renew our vows. God what a joke that would have been. I am glad that I found out about the affair but at the same time I wished that I hadn't because then I would hurt so much. My marriage was all a lie, a joke. I was faithful to him and loved & adored him.

He refuses to go to counseling so I do not see that we could ever reconcile. I am going to go to IC so that I can find a way to move on and find my self esteem. I wished he would go to MC but I don't believe he ever will, he thinks they can't help him. I wished he had never done this to our marriage. We had other issues but those we could have worked on and worked them out but this? NO, I dont think so.


Me BS 52
WH 51
Married 10 years
D-Day 10/14/2010
DDay2 5/16/11
DDay3 5/18/11
Separated
He did the crime but I'm doing the time

Posts: 150 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Texas
NeverTheSame2010
New Member
Member # 28341
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday)

Hi to all!! I found out about my WW's A a little over 2 years after it happened. Where we have struggled most in our R is that the impact of her A is entirely fresh in my mind, while to her, it has less of an impact because it happened so long ago.

Playing catch-up has been cause for MANY angry and heated talks. I had even contemplated contacting the wife of the guy she had the A with to compare notes and find support in this mess (because to this date, I have not been able to talk to anyone else apart from my C). I talked myself out of this, because it would only drag up the pain and misery that she lived 2 years ago (which is when SHE found out).

I typically find that my darkest periods are those in which I hold stuff in, or can't find enough quiet time to talk to my WW about the A. Life continues to move on, work pressures are ever-present, kids and their "opportunities" takes a bit more out of you, and days pass before you get to slow down and get some of the junk off your chest/mind. Unfortunately, these are all aspects of "normal" life that steered my WW into the arms of a man with no commitment or attachment to his own family. Tough to compete.

Part of me wishes that my WW would have simply committed to their relationship, got through the "honeymoon" phase, and realized that she would still have to face life's day-to-day challenges of having a family, and stressful job, a mortgage, two car payments, etc...

Better days ahead...


Posts: 13 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Canada
Look2thefuture
New Member
Member # 29984
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, November 5th (Friday)

I never got to make an honest fully informed choice/decision my whole adult life. Cannot get that back.

There is no restitution, there is not making it up, it is a total and complete loss.

My H cannot say that he had the truth, he choose to have 4 kids with me knowing the truth, I did not get that choice. Being someones pawn sucks, even if they were not intentionally, maliciously doing it, it still sucks

Thi has got to be the worst thing...My FWW confessed to a ONS two weeks after we got married, I went nuts and left/came back a few times over the next few months. I thought it was a ONS.

However after 10 years of NC she bumped into him recently -July this year-(told me about it to be fair-I never would have known). Anyway I went into a panic, rows ensued and after two months of TT she confessed she carried on a PA over those few months in 2000.

Even though we had 2 young kids at the time I would have D'd her, I knew I could forgive a drunken ONS but not a full blown affair. Anyway 10 years and 3 more kids later she confesses. The last ten years have been great, but I just can't help feeling I've been living a lie. She thinks I should get over it, its 10 years ago, but to me its 4 months ago. I love her but have hit a brick wall, can't get over it and can't leave my kids. I pretty sure she hasn't seen him since July (as we all know you can't be 100% sure about anything lol)

[This message edited by Look2thefuture at 10:08 PM, November 5th (Friday)]


ME:BH 43
WW:38
Married 10Y Together 18
DD1 22/4/2001 (Thought ONS)
DD2 230/7/2010 Same OM broke NC, swears nothing happened:/ (then TT ONS was 6MO EA)
5 kids under 15

Posts: 1 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: UK
olathebear
New Member
Member # 30062
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, November 8th (Monday)

I just found out about 2 mos ago that my wife had a one night stand about 3.5 yrs ago. I think the part that hurts about finding out so much later is that she kept this dark secret from me for so long. It hurts to know that when we had discussions about infidelity, she was just lying to my face. I know how tough it was for her to tell me, but now I catch myself wondering what else she could lie to me about and for how long? I think my ability to trust her has diminished because of the amount of time it took for her to tell me.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Nov 2010
moreroses
Member
Member # 26283
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, November 9th (Tuesday)

I just want to chime in with my support to everyone.

I found out 3 years after the A ended, or, my husband ended it. I found out when former ow came back soliciting husband and he refused her. She then got very mad having been discarded 3 years previously and AGAIN refused years later, and spilled the beans on Valentine's Day 2008, and has caused a lot of harassment for YEARS after that 2008 dday.

I've read through this forum and agree there are similarities for me here. The fact that our spouse learned how to successfully manipulate us and got away with it is difficult to come to terms with.As with others here my husband had a technique for dealing with me that involved intimidation whenever I questioned his behavior, my suspicions.Once our spouse learns how to successfully manipulate us, they can use that to their advantage if they want to be evil, do evil things.

I think for us, my husband and I , everything changed for him when he came to an epiphany of sorts. He came to realize the life he was leading was wrong, not the way he wanted it to be, became guilty and ashamed. So he changed, ended it with her and recommitted himself to our marriage. Of course, I didn't know anything about this and the dysfunction he had created during his A continued within the marriage.He just replaced the A with porn, instead of hurting me behind my back with the A he hurt me behind my back with porn.After dday EVERYTHING changed BIG TIME.Not only was he recommitted , he was committed on my terms and these included no more porn, keyloggers on his computer/blackberry use, complete transparency including all his media and technology, getting rid of firends who were not a friend of the marriage, increased communication together, a redevotion to ****US**** and all things US including remaking our sex life. Major changes were made and he was willing to change and go along with the changes I insisted upon.So, that's how I know he loves me. He not only has changed in how he relates to me, but has agreed to and engages in major changes I needed as well. He tells me all the time how happy he is with ***US***and our marriage and relationship now. We do activily work to make our marriage the best, in all ways.

As I said before, our spouse learned how to manipulate us successfully and get away with their behavior.So, personally I think it is important to keep our eyes open if we stay in the marriage after dday.Transparency is super important. I pretty much watch my husband closely although he has changed, is changed, and is devoted and loving and is a model husband. I don't mind watching him so closely and do so to PROTECT MYSELF.

Another thing I have in common with many here is a lack of complete details. I know everything however details like the exact name of restaurants, exact conversations and dates, these things are missing. That's okay though because it
's been a long time of successful rebuilding as dday was 2/08 and I am content with the efforts my husband has made.

Another thing that I have in common with others here is suspicion. Because my spouse successfully got away with it, thought he knew me so well, I do wonder if there was others.I pretty much have come to terms with this also but there will always be that 1% suspicion.

I think the scarest part of this type of betrayal, for me, is the fact that someone thought they knew me soooo well, had me read so well and knew how to manipulate and play me for their own evil advantage.Someone could control and manipulate me, knew how to do it. I find that the pinacle of disrespect to be so used and abused and controled. I do not know if the fact my husband is a successful oldest child and I was the spoiled baby of the family has anything to do with the dynamics here that created this situation. We both fell very comfortably into our role within our marriage together and I wonder if doing such set up a predispositon for his disproportionate power within the marriage.

I think we all here have experienced great disrespect and for our marriages to succeed this has to be repaired.

I'm doing very well, the repair, rebuilding and recovery is going well.I'm so sorry for others who suffer so and are still dealing with their spouse's selfish consequences.

[This message edited by moreroses at 7:42 AM, November 9th (Tuesday)]


BW;Me
DDay;2-14-08 when former ow decided to enlighten me about previous A
marriage rebuilt, felt rebuilt at 2 1/2 yrs out
long marriage with 4 kids

"And the stars that we could reach were just starfish on the beach"-French folksong


Posts: 1399 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Northeast
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, December 16th (Thursday)

I have a question for all of you found-out-later folks: What did you do about the friends that knew about the A at the time and never told you?

We are not in contact with most of them anymore (it's been 20 years) but my WH has kept in touch with one of them - they talk to each other on the phone every couple of years, get together every four years or so. His wife sends us a Christmas card each year.

Now that I know about the As I am very uncomfortable with this. I don't know what to do! If it were a more current A, there would be no doubt that I would insist on no contact ever again. But it has been a long time, I can't help wonder if I'm being silly in insisting WH tell the guy that I know.

Ugh! I'm really curious how everyone else has handled this.


Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
played-a-fool
Member
Member # 29476
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, December 21st (Tuesday)

I found out 19 years after my WW short term EA and 1 physical encounter. She ended it then and even left her job because of it. She told no one but her mother and our pastor's wife. Her mother took it to her grave with her and the pastor's wife couldn't really tell about it.

What really hurts me is that the last 19 years of my life has been a lie. We already had one child when this happened but she had another child with me without telling me the truth. She impossed her will on my life so that she could have what she wanted.

Now, 10 mos after dday, she is remorseful but for a long time she expected me to just get over it. It was old news to her and she had buried it deep inside but for me it is fresh.

I am having a very hard time dealing with that. I wonder what may have been and if I was really meant to be with someone else. Any ideas?


Me - BH
Her - FWW
Trying to R

Trust is difficult to earn but so very easy to lose. It's a gift that should be treasured and guarded.


Posts: 637 | Registered: Aug 2010
sadyettrying
Member
Member # 28008
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, December 22nd (Wednesday)

Paperclip - to my knowledge (and H's) there is just one friend who knew about the A at the time. We did not socialize with him much over the years (although there were a few occasions and he did some work for us). H contacted him earlier this year (after I found out) to get his help trying to recall some information about the OP and the time, as H has forgotten much.

Anyway, the friend obviously now knows that I know. I have told H that I do not want to socialize with him and H understands. This friend, at the very least, condoned the A. At worst, he probably knowingly facilitated at least one encounter by giving the OP the key to his apartment when he was going to be away.

I wonder a lot about who else might have known or suspected, and I kind of wish I could ask people so that they would know that I now know. That's unlikely to happen, though.

I don't think you are silly at all to want this person to know that you know. There is power in this, and you deserve that power. You deserve to have people know that there is no secret any longer. If you want him told, he should be told.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2010
Flowing Tears
New Member
Member # 24811
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday)

I had posted on SI a couple of years ago regarding having just found out that my husband had had an affair in 1977. You can read the details in my profile...I truly wished this thread would have been started then...I didn't have anyone to actually relate to regarding the longevity of the time that it took to finally learn the truth. I can so relate to all of you who have said that the pain is no less than those who "have just found out"...It many ways...it feels overwhelmingly more hurtful...because...we actually do relive every day of our life as much as we can in the past years since their affair happened...and we question our entire life.

I had kept diaries for several years back all of those years ago...so I was able to question and piece together lots of details regarding our marriage and his situation at that time...His memory of course, would not be that vivid. He has claimed for the past 2 years that he can't even remember what she looked like. He only remembers that she had no breasts due to severe burns she suffered as a child and that she was skinny.

He told me 2 years ago that he had only been with her sexually 3 times and the affair was only about 2 months long. I questioned him for months because things weren't adding up regarding some of what he was telling me and things that I had written in my diary...vaginal infections that I needed to be treated for (had never had them before and we were married 10 years prior to his affair) that were several months apart. Actually, if it wouldn't have been for the trich and yeast infections that I got twice...I would not have even known that I had more serious female problems that eventually led to a hysterectomy in January of 78. He finally broke it off with her when he found out that I needed surgery...wasn't that nice of him. Just found that crap out about a year ago. The damn affair lasted nearly a year and he was with her more than a dozen times. He knew that if I had found out about it years ago...I would have left him in a heart-beat so of course, he kept it hidden as best as he could although if you read my profile you will read that he had concocted a bull-crap story about a woman from work chasing him, etc...He had told me that all those years ago to prepare me in the event she decided to contact me with "her version" when he threw her under the bus.

The really weird thing about the whole thing was that I as well as most people who have known us thought we had the ideal marriage. And...he insists that he loved me and had no intention of ever leaving me...and that the affair was never about me or us...It was what was going on within him. He was the broken one and she just happened to come along at the lowest point in his life (he had turned 30...new demanding job....no time or money to spend with family, etc...etc..) You know...all the usual lame excuses that most try to justify their actions with.

Anyhow...long story short...we have been 2 years into dealing with this and I am finally confident that I have as much of the truth as I will ever get in this life time. He has been a wonderful father and grandpa and has been for the most part "my very best friend" these past 33 years so although I have forgiven him I know that I will never ever get over the fact that for a period of time...he just didn't love me as much as he should have...and that what would appear to be an almost perfect union to others...is in fact...scarred!

Life just isn't fair most times...no body's perfect and even the most solid foundations can develop cracks. Bless all of your hearts...I hear you and have suffered with you...


Posts: 9 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
sadyettrying
Member
Member # 28008
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday)

Flowing Tears - I just wanted to say "sorry" for what you have been through.
It's good that we all hear each other and understand.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2010
Flowing Tears
New Member
Member # 24811
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, December 23rd (Thursday)

Just wanted to add a few observations regarding the positive/negative aspects of finding out about affairs years after.

The wounded spouse doesn't get to make the choice to stay within the marriage...that is a negative. I always knew that adultery would be a deal breaker for me. I guess he knew that too...that's why I didn't know the truth all those years ago..It does have you waffling with your own values....not a fair or just position to find yourself in.

The positive side of not finding out is that we were able to raise our children in a loving and stable enviroment. And they have grown to be wonderful, caring adults with loving families of their own. I doubt I could have given them the advantages financially had we parted years ago.

Another negative is never having been able to even see the OP....so it drives you crazy wondering what she looked like and what she had (other than the obvious...a willingness to perform sex whenever and however) that attracted him to her. He can't remember what she looked like other than what I had written earlier...no breasts due to severe childhood burn scars.

A definite positive is that you do build lots of history in 30 plus years after the fact...and if your husband has been wonderful to you...as mine has been...it does make it much easier to forgive him. The negative side to this would be that you realize there are things about your husband that you are never going to really know...or understand...even though up until the time you learned the truth about their affair you were believing that you knew your spouse very well.

I am sure that most of you have realized many other points both negative and positive regarding finding out so many years later. And..I would appreciate very much you sharing them with us...


Posts: 9 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
whyme52
Member
Member # 29891
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, December 23rd (Thursday)

One of the hardest things in this for me is not knowing if there were other As. I suspected him of cheating back in 2002 and his boss at the time told me that he had kissed someone. I confronted him about it then and he got angry at me for doubting him and he confronted his boss saying it was a lie. Now I wonder if I was right in the first place and it did happen. I wonder how many other times he has cheated on me but doesn't consider it cheating. I wonder how he could tell me for 11 years that he will never lie to me and then I find out all of this stuff? He was lying to me for the past 4 years but telling me he would never lie to me. What goes on in their heads to be able to do that? I have never lied to him or cheated on him and I have trusted him completely. Now I question everything he says to me. If he says he has to work on a Saturday I call his office and he had better answer the phone. In the past I never considered the fact that he might not be at the office.

I found out last night that he has a twitter account that I didn't know about and another email account that I didn't know about. There are no emails so I think when I discovered the first account he deleted any and all emails from all of his accounts. He is a computer tech so I can't use a key logger without him finding it and he knows how to cover his tracks.

I don't know if I can ever really trust him again and because of that I don't know if reconciliation is truly possible for us. I love him still but the trust is gone. He wants to sweep this all under the rug and look forward not back. He doesn't get that for me this is a fresh Hell he has dropped me into while for him it is long forgotten. I don't know how to make him realize that I need answers and that I don't trust him anymore. He wont go to therapy so there will never be the answers I need as to why he did it or why he felt it wasn't cheating. Some days I hate him and wished I hadn't moved back and other days I love being with him.

If I had known 4 years ago what he had done I would have divorced him and moved on with my life. Now I am 52 and have a grandchild who adores him and was devastated when we separated. I am still in hell and can't sleep due to thinking about what he has done. I want it to be over and not to hurt anymore but I know that it is going to take a long time for the hurt and anger to stop. It is so unfair for them to crush us like this and then expect us to "get over it" as if it was some little white lie they told us.

For everyone who is going through this I pray that we all heal soon and can have happiness in our lives once again.


Me BS 52
WH 51
Married 10 years
D-Day 10/14/2010
DDay2 5/16/11
DDay3 5/18/11
Separated
He did the crime but I'm doing the time

Posts: 150 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Texas
Tryingtoheal61
Member
Member # 29633
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, December 23rd (Thursday)

He doesn't get that for me this is a fresh Hell he has dropped me into while for him it is long forgotten. I don't know how to make him realize that I need answers and that I don't trust him anymore.

I found out six years later. Probably had the same conversations with him as you have. I feel that I have to keep explaining although it is history for you, it is new for me.

I also am ashamed for not recognizing it at the time. We had so much conflict with lack of respect towards me from his oldest daughter. That we were arguing quite a bit back then, but not realizing he was cheating with his XW that he turned into OW.

He wont go to therapy so there will never be the answers I need as to why he did it or why he felt it wasn't cheating.

You may have to do something drastic, like a post-nuptial agreement. I'm sure others will have ideas. You have to take care of yourself.


Reconciling

Posts: 828 | Registered: Sep 2010
bestrongforyou
Member
Member # 25818
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, December 27th (Monday)

What to do when you know nothing for sure and I really mean nothig definite

A money transfer of hundreds to an account I thought he did not use - when we were planning our wedding nd needed every penny - he transferred it and then took some of it out again Valentinesday ( 7 years ago) - if the moneey was for me or us why did he transfer it?

A text to another woman I found on his phone - I could hit myself now for not writing down the number or snoop futher for more texts - he says his friend used his phone as his battery died and the womnan was his girlfriend - I never met her but i contacted her on FB recently and got no reply - I hope I got teh right person.

Again 2 years later a pic on his old phone of a naked woman - my son found it and deleted it - he says he could only see the body, not the face - again husband says that his friens dowsnloaded it before he gave him the phone - son said at the time it was a snapshot but now says maybe it was a download - he says something like apples hid her face - whatever that measn .

And then finally husband leaves me and puts all the blame on me - says he gotten close to a co-worker but never cheated - I am now thinking he put me on a wrong path on purpose and gave me a wrong name - his current girlfriend is also a co-worker but not the same one -
he told me when le left that she got alwasy too close and touched his arm and that he didn't like it and now she is his girlfriend.

God this sounds so confusing.. even to me

I thought he had an affair with colleague 1 last year and that he did not like colleague 2 because she got too close to him -but he had both on his FB page which was hidden from me - and then around August last year - either him and colleague 2 defriended number 1 at the same time or she defriended both of them at the same time .

Either way something happened bnetween the 3 of them. i contacted colleague 1 and she wont talk to me and colleague 2 is now his offcial girlfriend but only since this year.

if this sounds confusing you should see the inside of my brain.

How will I ever find out any real evidence


Me(39)BS Him(35)

Posts: 659 | Registered: Oct 2009
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, December 28th (Tuesday)

bestrongforyou- You don't need proof to know. You already know. Trust your instinct. If you need to know for other reasons there is an investigative forum here to help. My FWH is alsp a computer geek and I will never find actual proof. I just know. His A was & years ago and I knew. I was visiting family and he called everyday like a good husband but one night there was something different. I can't explain it it was just there. I wish I had trusted myself, things would be different now for sure.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
itsjustnotfiar
Member
Member # 30537
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, February 12th (Saturday)

I found out recently that my WW had an EA/PA six years ago. I should have known and actually questioned her at the time. While the PA ended six years ago, the EA continued till November 2010.

She tells me that it really messed with her head. She fealt that the AP had something over her and that she was continually afraid that somehow I'd find out.

Meanwhile, during the six years, she developed a horrible drinking issue. Our marriage turned to crap...it was kinda bad before the affair anyway.

She seems to be completely into R right now. She is completely transparent. She wrote a NC letter to the AP and his wife. He, on the other hand, has attempted contact with her five times over the last month and a half. But she tells me each time he makes contact. She now hangs up or deletes his emails without a response.

Her wall around her is still kind of up but it's coming down slowly.

I'm on a major roller coaster of emotions right now. On one hand, this was a horrible slap in my face that jump started our relationship again. We communicate better than before and we are showing love again. But on the other hand, I just cannot get over the enormity of the six years of lies...it really hurts.

Triggers are everwhere.

Can anyone relate to this? It's so flipping upsetting.


BS (me)- 44
WW - 42
PA - 10/2004 - 11/2004
EA - 10/2004 - 11/2010 (6 yrs)
DD - 11/25/2010. Nice Thankgiving present.
Together 22 years, married 15 years
2 kids - 10, 8

FB=A


Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: from the D
NOTINKANSAS
Member
Member # 31199
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, February 15th (Tuesday)

She fealt that the AP had something over her and that she was continually afraid that somehow I'd find out.

I am dealing with the same thing. My H said that's why he felt he needed to maintain contact with OW long after he ended the A, to make sure she wasn't going to tell me. He said he finally felt so sick about feeling like he had to call her that he decided to confess the A to me.


I'm 33
He's 31
Recovering from SA
4 kids
D-Day 01-06-11 (Husband confessed sex 2x in 2009 with "trashy" girl from the ghetto)
D-Day 2 May 7, 2011 (confessed the rest of the betrayals)

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
itsjustnotfiar
Member
Member # 30537
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, February 15th (Tuesday)

That is good that he told you on your own. I caught them texting. He wanted her back badly and she didn't know how to get out of it. It may sound crazy but I believe her.

I am so sad and depressed but we love each other and are doing the right things I think. MC, IC, full access to all her accounts. But I still worry.

The asshole keeps trying to contact her. She just deletes his emails or hangs up.

I read a post from you today. You are new. It is not too early to R.


BS (me)- 44
WW - 42
PA - 10/2004 - 11/2004
EA - 10/2004 - 11/2010 (6 yrs)
DD - 11/25/2010. Nice Thankgiving present.
Together 22 years, married 15 years
2 kids - 10, 8

FB=A


Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: from the D
hurtbuthopeful12
Member
Member # 31279
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, February 22nd (Tuesday)

Mine isn't years later really, it ended 7 months ago. I have similar feelings to others, it makes me so angry because I am having difficulty figuring out exactly what happened. Trusting him to tell the truth seems silly at this point, since he didn't confess, I found out based on old phone bills.


M 7 yrs- 2 little kids
He walked out 10/2010
DDAY #1 Phone bill, found OW #2-2 mo EA turned PA after he left.
11/2010- he asks to come back. 12/2010-He moves back in.
TT from 11/10-1/11
DDAY #2- 2/2011 MOW #1- EA- 1 yr

Posts: 305 | Registered: Feb 2011
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday)

I'm one of those who found out several years later. I have read all kinds of books, read posts here, and gone to both IC and MC.

We've been together 24 years and M 20. The last seven have been a living he!!. He blamed my chronic illness, the problems we had with our kids, and then my grandson.
I tried to do everything and just about anything to fix our problems. I'm sure many of you know how I felt when he confessed in MC(I did finally get him to go) that he had had a short sexual fling. I just couldn't believe it. I still have a hard time believing it as it contradicts everything I believed about him. Now I find I am having a hard time believing anything he says. He says he loves me but thats hard to accept. How can you treat someone you love with a total lack of,?? I'm still on the fence as I feel I still don't have the whole truth about it all. I was basically wondering how you stayed, if you stayed? I also wonder what's the best way to go on?


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
sadyettrying
Member
Member # 28008
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, February 24th (Thursday)

I somehow missed the request to post the positives and negatives of finding out years later, but I think it's a good topic so I wanted to respond. Some of these are the same as what was already posted.
Positives: Definitely agree that having been able to raise children in a loving, two-parent home was a positive. Having good experiences over the ensuing years is another positive (though as many of us know, it can be very difficult to believe those moments were real). Having fewer years of living with the pain and hurt? Knowing for sure that it is over (although in my case OP made another play years after the A ended and H was willing to at least exchange some sort of flirty emails with her).
I don't know...I've gone over this in my head, and mostly I come up with far more negatives that positives. Negatives: Being pissed that they got away with it at the time; feeling like an idiot for not having suspected; in my case, feeling like an idiot for letting my spouse get away with lying to my face when I confronted him about those emails and maintaining that lie for SIX MORE YEARS; having a WS who has forgotten or buried many of the details, including what I think are really important things; not getting to really confront the OP or as noted, have any idea what she looks like; living with the question of what the years since have been, what is real; the absolute horror and amazement that you spouse could have lived with that for so long, and told so many lies - big and little - over the years; wondering how, when your spouse was so successful at keeping something like that from you for so long, you can ever trust again; having the chance to out the OP to his/her spouse be harder given the number of years that have passed.
I could go on, but I try to remember that the fact that my kids did not have to deal with what would likely have been the consequences had I found out at the time is worth a lot.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2010
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, March 3rd (Thursday)

I somehow missed the request to post the positives and negatives of finding out years later
This is a good question! I surprised myself by coming up with some positives, but I think the negatives still outweigh.

Positive: Had I found out at the time, I'd probably had a nervous breakdown, and not been able to finish college.

Positive: SI was still years away, and I was so young. I would have blamed myself unceasingly for his affairs. I would have figured that I must have been defective somehow. Maybe I would have bashed his car up (or him) and gone to jail. I would have probably at that point giving up dating, like one of my friends who was cheated on in college. He never dated again, he was so broken hearted.

Negatives: Never got to make an informed choice about the man I married. Put up with alot of crap I wouldn't/shouldn't have tolerated due to gaslighting. Should have spent more time working on a career or going back to school to be able to support myself. Tolerated way too many years of my ILS bad treatment and thought it was my fault. Having to think about 20+ years and wonder what was real or not.

So much to wonder about...!!!

[This message edited by Paperclip at 4:07 PM, March 3rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
Flowing Tears
New Member
Member # 24811
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, March 5th (Saturday)

Thanks to those who have replied regarding postives and negatives.

I know how difficult it is to reflect on the years you have spent with your spouse and to wonder if what they did and how they responded to you at certain phases was perhaps directly or indirectly involved with their past behaviour. I have come to the point in this journey where I just need to be concentrating on each new day and not dwelling on those past years! It is what it is and we can't go back and undo any of it.

In my case...the past 33 years have been for the most part very good ones and we are closer now as a couple than we have ever been. He learned very quickly that the grass is never greener on the other side of the fence and that what he had with me and our children was worthy of keeping. I have not had a reason to think that he cheated with anyone else since that initial infidelity.

I hope that more of you will be able to respond. And for those of you who are still struggling with all of this...I pray that you will soon find peaceful resolution and enjoy each new day.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
Tryingtoheal61
Member
Member # 29633
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, March 8th (Tuesday)

Thanks to those who have replied regarding postives and negatives.

I think about this often. We had been in counseling due to what he refers to as "communication" issues. They turned out to be his lack of empathy.

Anyway, if I had known then the door would have hit his ass so fast he wouldn't have known what hit him.

He said he knew if he went back to OW/XW that he more than likely would have been knocking on my door within a few months. I wouldn't have answered.

But, I wonder if some higher power was preparing us for today. Maybe we had to get here so that my WH would actually look within himself and that he would have a reason to do so, for us/our marriage.

Negative was that he took my choice away. Positive is that I can make my own choice at anytime.


Reconciling

Posts: 828 | Registered: Sep 2010
nova18
Member
Member # 23177
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, March 13th (Sunday)

Update to my last post

I discovered that not only is my H a good liar, he is also one of the most careless and stupidest of cheaters. I have a lot of time on ym hamd when he is at work, sand against mt better judgement, started snooping through his floppy discs again.

What I found out was the first??A that he said was not a PA actually was. There was the draft of the letter he wrote"..recall when we first made love..."
Needless to say, I went through the anguish as if it had just happened last week instead of 13 years ago.

He couldn't do anything but tell the truth when I confronted him, and now I just keep asking myself why am I still putting up with a sorry excuse of a man who cheated on me during our 28th year of marriage, and sevenyears later during our 35th year. Am I crazy or what


Me: BS
Him:Sociopath/narcissist who specialized in going after divorcees willing to sleep with a married man

Posts: 169 | Registered: Mar 2009
nova18
Member
Member # 23177
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, March 13th (Sunday)

Excuse the typos! My mind races faster than my fingers when I am agitated.


Me: BS
Him:Sociopath/narcissist who specialized in going after divorcees willing to sleep with a married man

Posts: 169 | Registered: Mar 2009
ohgoodgrief
Member
Member # 30538
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, March 14th (Monday)

Nova, I understand your dilemma. I have suspected on and off for years but let it go. This time I am going to be like the dog with the proverbial bone. Tho he denies EVER cheating, i know he is lying...i have a lot to go on, just not quite enough. We have been married over 30 yrs also, some happy, most (for me), not as I never felt i was important/loved/ SEEN in the relationship. Just there to meet his needs and take care of sh*t. Now he is trying to make up for all those years, but I am now pretty much immune. Just trying to decide how I want to live the rest of my life. Not where I envisioned myself to be at this point in my life. However, his most recent (denied) indiscretion has made me wake up to the joke that has been our marriage.

Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2010
bethoughtful
New Member
Member # 31678
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, March 31st (Thursday)

My husband had a ONS 9 yrs ago & I just found out this week! He is a recovering alcoholic, I know he is no longer that person, but I am reeling. I never suspected at the time, but have suspected the last few years, his drinking had progressed and he was pulling away from the family as a whole, nor just me. I feel stupid that for years I never even suspected! I am pissed that even in his sober state (2 1/2 years now) he never confessed to me. I was diagnosed with HPV and told him it had to come from him, he still tried to deny it @ first. At this point I think I'm madder that he denied it now,being a sober & supposedly honest person, than that it happened in the first place 9 yrs ago, when I know he was not being anything near his best self!


Me:BS
Him:WH
Married:28yrs Together:30
Dday:March 26, 2011
His ONS:12-02
Kids:D-27, S-25, D-23, D16

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: long island, NY
Tryingtoheal61
Member
Member # 29633
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, April 1st (Friday)

bethoughtful,

I'm so sorry you are reeling from this pain. Although it was 9 years ago for your WH, it was just a few days ago for you.

The part that stinks about not knowing is because it's been so long for them, they either truly don't remember incidences relating to the A or they choose not to and many times you can't go back and research because the cell phone has changed or the computer is outdated, etc.

I hope your WH has been remorseful and that he is helping you heal from the pain he has brought you.


Reconciling

Posts: 828 | Registered: Sep 2010
bethoughtful
New Member
Member # 31678
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, April 2nd (Saturday)

Tryingtoheal61
Thank you for your kind words. I am trying to act thoughtfully, not impulsively, & heal myself, & then we will see if we can heal the marriage.


Me:BS
Him:WH
Married:28yrs Together:30
Dday:March 26, 2011
His ONS:12-02
Kids:D-27, S-25, D-23, D16

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: long island, NY
vickie1957
Member
Member # 31075
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, April 3rd (Sunday)

add me to this unfortunate club!
I found out about 3 years after the fact and only when I discovered him trolling on hookup sites like adultfriendfinder and getiton.To be honest - I was discusted at what he wrote other women.
From there I was able to find a private email site that he used and emails dating back to 2009- but when I confronted him he told me willingly about his ONS - said he had met a "few" women but only slept with one "once" and he felt so guilty he never did it again.
My initial reaction (other than anger and shock) was to blurt out if he at least had the decency to get tested to make sure he wasn't carrying anything and if he had any remorse for the health implications he opened up for both him and me- gave it to him both barrels.
He was speachless (my husband is NEVER speachless).
I asked him for the truth and told him I suspected for a long time ( I had even asked him back then- probably when this all happened- chalk another one up to "gut instinct")At the time he was angry and turned it around and accused me (I was working 2 jobs at the time 6am-3p and then 4pm- 11 or 12 midnite 5 times a week- that plus "female" health issues - last thing I wanted was sex)
Let me back up a month before Dday-We had been haveing problems for a few years- I had health issues (eventually had to have a hysterectomy) and even after that he hadn't touched me for months until I confronted him and called him out on his porn surfing-after that he was VERY attentive (you know what I mean ).
We had been intimate more in that month than the last 4yrs combined. AND THEN I found him trolling - so you can imagine how shocked I was after I thought we were patching things things up and finally dealing with our communication issues.
When he came clean on the ONS- i was upset but it was in the past and I was willing to forgive- there had been extenuating circumstances on both sides of the fence. But I am having troubles getting past the recent emails he sent -it wasn't like he wasn't getting satisfied at home- he even confirmed that. He didn't have any reasonable explanation and still doesn't- he appears truly remorseful and I think he was actually relieved everything is finally out in the open. He has done everything right since I found out- but there are still those nagging images of him with OW and the fact I am still not 100% convinced he has told me the WHOLE truth.
One of the emails from '09 was him to OW he had met for coffee -he was thanking her for being so understanding and that he had thought aLOT about what they discussed and he would not contact her again and was going to try and work on our marriage. From the jist of things I gather she was only looking for a good time- no emotional attachment as she had been hurt recently and all she wanted was to find someone to service her "needs" without strings- I guess she was a social worker and realized my H was having difficulty with the situation and set him back on track. AT least until last summer when he was surfing again.


this, too, will pass

Posts: 110 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: bc canada
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, April 20th (Wednesday)

I am also one of the lucky ones. I found out years later. I read books, look at posts and anything I can think of that might help. I want to stay M, basically he is a good man. I just can't get past the feeling that I don't have the whole truth yet. This is tearing me apart and is affecting my health. I'm not really sure if finding out later has anything positive about it all. I think it's all negative. He cheated, he lied, he treated me like shit,he distanced himself from me my health was to blame for he this, he was angry, and he was so miserable. Maybe the positive thing is I don't have to assure others of his honor, he doesn't have any.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
sadyettrying
Member
Member # 28008
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, April 20th (Wednesday)

Sorry you have to join us here Dallas, but know that we all understand.
I agree that there isn't really anything positive about this situation - sometimes I think we just look for whatever crumbs we can find.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2010
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, May 2nd (Monday)

I just can't get past the feeling that I don't have the whole truth yet.

Dallas, I struggle with this alot...even to the point of having WH take a polygraph. It helped to a point, but it's so overwhelming realizing your spouse could lie to you for so long and so well!

Has anyone figured out a way to get some peace with this?


Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
living4tomorrow
Member
Member # 32018
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, May 2nd (Monday)

Possibly the most positive aspects of the conversations here is from those whose WS is truly remorseful. There is hope where there is penitence. Positive changes can be made only by those who acknowledge the error of their ways and make every effort to make right what once went wrong.

Where there is no remorse, no empathy, no penitence, no acknowledgement, false rebuilding, no consience, lies and deceit that include a continuous trail of betrayals, there is no hope, IMHO.

My situation falls into the latter category. I married a serial cheater nearly 30 years ago. Sly fox that he is, he convinced me he'd left the old GFs behind to be with me - and only me. I was young and naive then.

There were a steady stream of D-Days, but now that we're on the road to divorce, the true extent of his past betrayals are coming to light, and they ain't pretty.

Fortunately, with the help of many years of IC, I have managed to detach to the point where it doesn't hurt like it did before. Unfortunately, he can still push my "anger button".

When we got married, both of us had a number of opposite sex friends and mutually agreed that as long as these friends were also friends of our marriage, that maintaining them fell within the appropriate boundaries. I abided by that pact, but he never did and still does not. It didn't take me 30 years to discover this, it took me that amount of time to prepare an exit strategy.

Every time I believed we were making progress towards a more honest and open relationship, I would notice changes in his behavior that sent red flags everywhere.

Shortly after we were married, he invoked the edict: "Don't keep tabs on me". Well, that was a sure sign he had something to hide. Turns out, he was married when he was in "family mode" and single when he was living that "other life.

When he came home smelling of cheap perfume and some other woman's muff, he denied it and told me I was nuts.

When I found stray condoms in his travel cases, he accused me of planting them.

When he went behind my back to get Cialis and Levitra a few years ago, he said it was "for us".

It wasn't that I was unaware of his betrayals, it was that I needed time to prepare for my departure from this miserable situation.

The newest revelations came when I began to trace back his time away from the family when he was "suddenly single", to put the chronology of his deceitful behavior. That was when I saw that my marriage has been based on lie after lie and there is no hope of reconciliation, even though he pretended to.

Our whole life is a sham based on a series of lies. He's older now and slowing down a bit and only wants to talk about how he wants to spend our "golden years" together.

It may be unnecessarily cruel, but I simply told him that if he couldn't give me the best of himelf when it mattered, that I wasn't going to give him the best of mine for the rest of his, and that I would not be his nurse in his old age. I believe the best is yet to come, and he perpetually wallows in his "glory days", and satisfies himself with fantasies about wooing young girls and frequenting strip clubs. The man is hopeless and will lie 'til he dies.

My major regret is setting a bad example for our children (who are now adults) when it mattered, because I don't want any of them to find themselves in this position -ever! And if they do, to get out sooner rather than later. They agree with me that it is never too late. That's the reason I stayed in the marriage. They are not following in his amoral footsteps, they are assessing their own circumstances based on the values I instilled in them. They are good, honest, wise people who respect and admire me and forgive me. We agree that it is never too late to change for the better. I am proud of them and have no regrets about staying in the marriage during those difficult years.

Finding out many years after the deed(s) have been done, is its own dilemma. I started putting two and to together, and just added those betrayals to the list of things I already knew, because I had made a decision to act (finally) to preserve whatever time I had left to live a life of happiness rather than stay in a miserable, unsatisfactory marriage. I suspect I still have some surprises ahead of me, but the forewarning I had helped me become forearmed.

Every situation is as unique as is the course of action each BS decides to make.

My heart goes out to all who experience the pain of discovering the person we devoted our lives to isn't the person we thought he/she was. Love hurts, sometimes. Rebuilding works, sometimes, but it all boils down do the simply fact that you can't fix somebody else, you can only fix yourself.


Me: BS (Older than many here);
Him: WS (Peter Pan; Serial Cheater; Sociopath);
Offspring: Grown, but not gone;
30 years married - nurturer, but not a martyr;
Divorcing!
Planning for: My next 30 years!

Posts: 57 | Registered: Apr 2011
so-crushed
Member
Member # 29137
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 6th (Monday)

Please.. your thoughts re: contacting OWH ... the EA/PA supposedly ended 10 yrs ago?

And if I do, how do you break this news to someone?


Me - BS, 49
Him - WH, 49
Married 19yrs
D-Day, 5/29/10
1st A - EA/PA, 1998-2003(??) Long Distance
2nd A - PA, 2003-2004(??) Local

"You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul"


Posts: 189 | Registered: Jul 2010
itsjustnotfiar
Member
Member # 30537
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, June 6th (Monday)

Do it. Do it. Do it! I found out six years after the fact. The other person deserves to know what went down. I wished to god I was told. This eats at me every day.

It also stops any other secrets.


BS (me)- 44
WW - 42
PA - 10/2004 - 11/2004
EA - 10/2004 - 11/2010 (6 yrs)
DD - 11/25/2010. Nice Thankgiving present.
Together 22 years, married 15 years
2 kids - 10, 8

FB=A


Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: from the D
angryBS
Member
Member # 31156
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, June 6th (Monday)

If the OW has a partner, I'd definitely tell them. I know what it feels like to be kept in the dark and wouldn't wish that on anyone. Everyone deserves the truth so they can make informed decisions for their life.

I was denied of this. Maybe I wouldn't have married my WH. But then I wouldn't have my beautiful kids....but maybe I'd still have beautiful kids who didn't have a mother going through this pain. You can't change the past and you can't predict the future...but everyone deserves the truth so that they can be in control of their own lives.

I'm struggling with (as has been mentioned before) feeling our whole M has been a lie. What was true and what was not? Is anything real any more? Fortunately my WH APs have not been in relationships.

I'm torn in two. Do I throw away 19 yrs, break my family up, toss who I thought was my BFF, soul mate to the trash and start afresh? Or do I stick with WH, try to make a go of our family, try to gain back trust? I'm afraid of both scenarios. I love my kids. At one stage I loved my WH... but am I know inlove with who I 'thought' he was..or if that person there, somewhere, inside his lying cheating shell?

How do I know? But definitely tell any other person involved who may be being betrayed.

[This message edited by angryBS at 11:34 PM, June 6th (Monday)]


Me BW 37
WH 37
Relationship of 20yrs.
Married for 13 yrs.
2 beautiful kids, 5 & 8.
TT for past 3 yrs.
Latest Dday 20 Jan 2011.

Posts: 145 | Registered: Feb 2011
sadinlex
Member
Member # 32047
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, June 20th (Monday)

Please.. your thoughts re: contacting OWH ... the EA/PA supposedly ended 10 yrs ago?

And if I do, how do you break this news to someone?

I am struggling with this exact question. I found out this past April that my husband had a several month affair that ended a year ago. Even though it's 'over' the emotional fallout has been devastating . It was with someone I NEVER EVER would have suspected! I feel like such a FOOL! We knew her mother and when she graduated from college 7 years ago we gave her a job, we knew her fiance, now husband, she babysat for us, I gave her all my baby gear when she had her own children. Now, looking back, so much makes sense now.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. I want to tell her mother what she (along with WH) has done to my life. I wonder whether I should tell her husband, after all, the affair is over, it's no longer 'an issue' right? or wrong? Why destroy another life? My initial instinct was not to tell him as I knew it would break his heart, but the other side of me says maybe it's not right to keep this information from him, maybe he deserves to make his own choice?

[This message edited by sadinlex at 2:47 PM, June 20th (Monday)]


me - BW him - WH
Together 23 years, Married 21
2 children 14, 11
Dday - 4/11/2011 double betrayal
"After the A, being honest and being a bitch are pretty hard to tell apart." - Ladyogilvy

Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2011
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, June 20th (Monday)

sadinlex: I would tell her BH, he has the right to know now. My FWH kept his A a secret for 7 years. I wish somebody had told me. I'm sure we would be in different circumstances now. For me the OW wasn't in a relationship and she wanted my H, I wish I knew who she was. I'd tell her can have him. Since I know she likes liars and cheaters.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, July 8th (Friday)

vaginal infections that I needed to be treated for (had never had them before and we were married 10 years prior to his affair) that were several months apart. Actually, if it wouldn't have been for the trich and yeast infections that I got twice

This just makes me sick. I went and got tested for STDs after I found out STBX was doing street whores. Positive for something that was treatable but I get to go back for more testing in a few months and then again 6 months after that.

I also got vaginal infections over the years, it just makes me want to vomit to know that I was giving myself completely to him and he was emotionally nowhere to be seen. It was just sex between us, obviously, not what I thought it was for all those years.

I found out in Nov 2010 that he had a profile on AFF that he made in April 2006. Looking back at the whole picture I realize that he definitely had an EA in 1993-1994 and I suspect a PA as well with the same person.

He'll never admit it. He'll never admit any of it. He'll look me right in the eye and lie through his freaking teeth.

I'm glad I've filed for divorce.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
nocturneinblue
New Member
Member # 32704
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, July 10th (Sunday)

Honey, i'm home!
I found out roughly a year and a half afterwards. I was snooping and found messages in an old phone.
What I struggle with is, we had broken up but reconciled and I was still left in the dark about the A. I feel like our relationship was built on a lie. I feel like I made choices of great impact based on misinformation.
I also feel like I should have known. And that life was handing me a clue when we broke up.
The time gone by has made it difficult to validate my feelings towards it. Which is why I am here now instead of a year ago when I found out.


Me: BS 38
Him: WH 30 (fortomorrow)
DDay# 1 Fall 2007
DDay# 2 August 18, 2010
OW #1: age unknown to me, cyber/phone
OW# 2: age unknown, PA, co worker & future former girlfriend
1child together, son 9 months
1 step daughter, 19 years old.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: colorado
itsjustnotfiar
Member
Member # 30537
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 16th (Saturday)

nocturneinblue - I know exactly how you feel. I was left in the dark with my WW for six years. Our relationship steadily went down hill over that time period. I just couldn't understand what was wrong with us.

I am constantly reminded of the "lie" of the six years every time I look at pictures, videos, stuff we may have purchased, etc. It's very hard.

What makes it even more difficult is the fact that when my WW's A was discovered, the AP's wife decided not to tell me. She essentially tried to blackmail my W from staying away from her H...big mistake. Horrible lies were kept from her so she never really new what happened in the original A. They remained "friends" for six years although my WW claims nothing physical ever happened. I mostly believe her.

Anyway, I struggle with the A and the six years of lies so I can relate with you and your feelings.

I don't know how long it's been for you since DD but after seven months it's still difficult. It slowly gets better but only if you have a wayward spouse that is truly remorseful and all in for R.

This thread doesn't get enough attention that's for sure so thanks for posting!


BS (me)- 44
WW - 42
PA - 10/2004 - 11/2004
EA - 10/2004 - 11/2010 (6 yrs)
DD - 11/25/2010. Nice Thankgiving present.
Together 22 years, married 15 years
2 kids - 10, 8

FB=A


Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: from the D
suddenlyisee
Member
Member # 32689
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)

Finding out sooo long after the fact is what hurts the most in all of this.

My STBXW confessed an affair to me almost 5 years ago. It was a "fling" with a contractor at her office and it was already over. It had just ended. She went NC, we worked through a long (2 Yr) reconciliation, and our relationship was solid.

5 months ago, she shattered REALITY by confessing about a dozen affairs over the course of our entire relationship. Affairs while we dated, before the wedding, after the wedding... Men, women, you name it. Her friends, my friends.. all fair game.
Oh - and the guy at the office from 5 years ago? She still saw him every day - NC was all BS.

There's no remorse, so there's no reconciliation.
Divorce should be final in a week or two.

Makes you feel like you wasted all those years, ya know?

[This message edited by suddenlyisee at 3:19 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 367 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Michigan
sadyettrying
Member
Member # 28008
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, July 25th (Monday)

Everyone who experiences an affair has to deal with such intense, awful pain, but finding out years later does bring a special brand of pain, doesn't it?
Nocturneinblue - sorry you are here, but know that there are many of us who understand.
Suddenlyisee, I am so sorry for what you have experienced. You must have worked hard during those two years, so your pain upon learning the truth must have been devastating.
I agree this thread does not get enough attention!

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2010
foundoutlater
Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, July 26th (Tuesday)

Thank you for this - I have felt so alone in this. I will post more when I can but thank you all.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2011
itsjustnotfiar
Member
Member # 30537
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, July 26th (Tuesday)

You are welcome. I found out six years after the fact. Post often as you will receive honest, intelligent, thought provoking advice.


BS (me)- 44
WW - 42
PA - 10/2004 - 11/2004
EA - 10/2004 - 11/2010 (6 yrs)
DD - 11/25/2010. Nice Thankgiving present.
Together 22 years, married 15 years
2 kids - 10, 8

FB=A


Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: from the D
awife
Member
Member # 1014
Concerned  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 3rd (Wednesday)

My H waited to confess all his transgressions until our kids were grown.

Posts: 548 | Registered: Jan 2003
sadyettrying
Member
Member # 28008
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, August 5th (Friday)

Awife - that's awful and I send hugs your way. What is the status of your relationship? What were his reasons for finally telling you?

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2010
awife
Member
Member # 1014
Content  Posted: 10:49 AM, August 5th (Friday)

sadyettrying,

Thanks for asking!

My story is in the " Just found out" forum, a thread titled "The same story, but different" started by the blind idiot on 7/26/2011.

(Look on page 2 near the end)


Posts: 548 | Registered: Jan 2003
2oldforthis
Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 5th (Friday)

It is really hard to find out years later. I found out 23 years later. Sometimes that really makes me feel stupid, but really it was very well hinden. I also completely trusted him. I never accused, never denied him from going anyplace. His A took place during the day during working hours.

When Maria Shirver went thru with just what she found out, lots of people were sort of blameing her, how could she not know. That made me really sad because yes it is possible.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1640 | Registered: Jun 2008
awife
Member
Member # 1014
What?  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 5th (Friday)

2oldforthis,

My H's 3 brief flings all happened during regular business hours. They hooked up on their lunch hours and directly before and after work.

There was never any missing money, time, etc. That is why it took me so long to catch him, even though I knew, by his wierd behavior, that something was really wrong.

I was lied to repeatedly, and gaslighted till I thought I was really crazy.

If I hadn't been tied down and busy with 2 small children, I could have followed him. I finally found out when a co-workers wife called to expose him.


Posts: 548 | Registered: Jan 2003
surviving11
New Member
Member # 33056
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 11th (Thursday)

I posted on another forum and someone suggested I come here.
I have been married to what I thought was the most amazing man in the world. He is a great husband, wonderful father, a hard worker and my best friend. We are supposed to be celebrating our 25th anniversary in 2 weeks.

We were kids when we got married - 18 and had lots of kids young - we struggled like most young married couples do but we've managed and are happy - Most people look up to us and think we have the perfect marriage - although I know nothing is perfect - I also thought we were pretty close.

Fast forward to this Sunday - having a quiet weekend at home watching tv with the family and I open my email - there is one from an old friend (well I thought she was a friend) in the email (which was sent on my b-day!) she informs me that she has "found God" and needs my forgiveness because her and my husband "hooked Up" (as she put it) many times.

This was over 20 years ago. It's been an excruciatingly difficult week and I've cried so much. While I know that he has been a wonderful husband and I'm pretty sure faithful since then - it hurts. the pain is immense..... He pretty much says he was being a selfish 20 year old boy who was thinking of himself and she was nothing but a "friend with benefits". He said he felt terrible and didn't want to hurt me so that's why he didn't tell me. Said he decided to grow up, be a man, and the best Dad and husband he could - and part of that meant keep the secret.....
He has been incredible the last couple of days - telling me he will do whatever I want. If he wants me here - he will be here - If I need space - he'll leave. He's told me to cry, yell, hit whatever I need to do to feel better. He has cried with me and I know how sorry he is. He tells me all he wants to do is stay married that I am his "life" and he wishes he had never made such a hurtful mistake.
And while I know it was a long time ago. It makes me wonder about all the things we've done, the life we've build, everything ..... I know that I want to stay in our marriage, I love and respect him but I'm so afraid I'll never be able to let it go.....I know I won't forget, that's impossible but I DO want to forgive him - I'm just so afraid I won't be able to.....
If nothing else - I thank this board for giving me a place to get it off my chest - there is no one I can talk to who will "understand" without judging and while I can handle my decisions and could care less about what people think of it - I just can't handle the added aggravation.
We also have 5 adult children - who live at home and trying to talk, and get through this without letting them know has been very very hard.


D Day - August 7, 2011
A - happened 20 years ago

Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2011
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, August 11th (Thursday)


..(((surviving11))))

..i too, feel the pain and shock of finally learning the truth..

..40 years later..

..sorry, but i must ask how positive you are that your H has been faithful since his 'hook-up' so long ago??

..so many cases of TT exist here and minimizing..

..i pray for you that H is being transparent about his past..

..it would be well worth reading all the posts in this topic and also the Healing Library..

..so sad to live a life founded on lies, deceit and betrayal..

..it has ruined my life in so many ways and made a sham of my last 40 years..

..i hope your H will do everything in his power to make ammends and love you the way you deserve.

..peace and prayers sent.

smy

..


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
2oldforthis
Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, August 12th (Friday)

(surviving11) I am sorry for your pain. It doesn't matter if it was yesterday or 20 years ago the pain is the same. The problem with finding out so long after is that Yes, you question everything in those last 20 years. It some how makes you feel that what did I not know about for 20 years. And was 20 years a lie?

You are going to run thru all the emotions. Time will help you sort it out and hopefully a remorseful WS.

I found out after 23 yrs and had been married 34 yrs.

I know how you feel.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1640 | Registered: Jun 2008
Flowing Tears
New Member
Member # 24811
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, August 13th (Saturday)

surviving 11,
I just wanted to tell you that it will take a while for you to wrap your head around all of this...This is all still so new to you.

When I finally found out 2 years ago what my husband had done 34 years ago..it nearly devastated me to the point that I wasn't sure I could ever forgive him or even stay with him...

But then, as the truth started to emerge and I began to scan thru the past years in my mind, I eventually realized that the main reason he didn't tell me the truth back in 77 was because he did love me and did not want our marriage to end. And..just as your husband has done...mine became a much better husband and father with every passing year. I soon came full circle and knew that I could and would forgive him (it took a while..so give yourself time) and that indeed he did love me as much as I loved him.

For those who would wonder if a man like mine would have cheated other times and I would not have known...all I can tell you is that as our years together progressed our marriage has continued to be a very good one . He has always been there for me regardless of what was transpiring and has always gone out of his way to show love, kindess, and respect and that is what enabled me to forgive him and stay with him. Just scan your prior years and you will find your answers there...

I hope this helps...I will be praying for you...I know what you are going thru...It will be ok....I know, because I have lived it...


Posts: 9 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, August 14th (Sunday)

((((surviving11)))

My heart breaks for you...I too, found out 20 years later. And the pain was nearly as bad as though it had happened yesterday. Take extra-special care of yourself during this time. I reacted the same way as anybody else - lost weight, etc. Plus I had 20 years of memories to stew about. I'm so glad I had SI, because lots of people in the "real world" won't understand this.


Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
surviving11
New Member
Member # 33056
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, August 15th (Monday)

To everyone that commented on my post - thanks for the kind words. It is appreciated. It was a week yesterday that I found out. It's been an awful week in so many ways but believe it or not - good in others.

It was already arranged that we would be bringing one of our children to college this past weekend and it required a 14 + hour trip (each way) Going down was difficult because we had our child with us. The ride back was very productive. We used it to talk, cry, be quiet, think, etc......

I realize that many of you may think I'm crazy - but I've already decided that I'm going to let him stay and give our marriage a chance. I love him BUT I'm confident in the fact that if I find out I was wrong - I WILL live without him. I"m not staying for the kids - our youngest is 17, or because it's a habit or all I've ever known. I'm not staying because I'm afraid to be by myself or anything like that - I'm staying because not only do I love him - but I like him. We've had a great marriage the last 20 years - he's grown into a wonderful husband and father - I can't say good-bye because he made a stupid choice when he was a 21 year old boy..... maybe that makes me naive but...... I'm going to try- I know it won't be busy - and as he says - there will be good days and bad days - I know he's right. I also know I'll never forget but I'm going to try and forgive him - completely - right now I'm just at the beginning of the process.

Thanks so much to all of you - your shared experiences and words of wisdom have been appreciated. I'm sure I'll be posting again in the future. because I know I'll need the continued support.


D Day - August 7, 2011
A - happened 20 years ago

Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2011
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, September 6th (Tuesday)

Another thing that's different about for folks that found out later - Do you ever feel strange/awkward about enforcing boundaries now? I wish I could phrase this better, all I can come up with is it feels like shutting the barn door after the horse got out.

I was the "cool girlfriend" and then the "cool wife." I didn't mind his female friendships for the most part. Knowing what I know now, of course, it's a different story!

WH hasn't cheated on me (physically) as far as I know for twenty + years, but this weekend I put the smackdown on him having a female running partner. I swear, sometimes it feels like the As were yesterday!

So, I always wonder if I've gone overboard or if I'm still being naive.


Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, September 7th (Wednesday)

paperclip:

I also find it hard to enforce boundries. When I set down with FWH to tell him the things that I would not tolerate, he actually had the nerve to chuckle and make light of it. Then he got sarcastic. So I know what boundries I set and What happens if he breaks any of them. BYE BYE to my FWH.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
foundoutlater
Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, September 19th (Monday)

We married young but waited for kids. When we were married for 3 years I found out she had been intimate with someone when we were exclusive regulary up until a few weeks before we were married. I spent a year struggling then we went to MC. I thought it helped. She says it did, but right after we started MC turns out she started another A with him. Lasted 3 to four years. Says it ended 14 years ago, a couple years before kids. I have not seen any posts here on this but thought I would ask if anyone else has dealt with WW not knowing what she felt for OP. She tells me everything she remembers (I am fairly certian of this). We love each other and are growing together. This is somthing that I feel I need to know in order to regain trust. She agrees and I believe she is trying. I really appreciate all the members here do - thank you!


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2011
isadora1985
Member
Member # 29097
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 3rd (Monday)

WOW! I just read through this thread. I guess it is really true that it always comes out. Sooner or later. One way or another. Truth will always prevail.

I knew about my FWH's EA while it was happening. Although I had not yet found SI, so I didn't really know that's what it actually was. I found out about the 2 month PA nearly a full year later. Apparently he had intended to take that knowledge to the grave.

I can say that had I known the truth about the PA at the beginning, we would now be D. By the time I found out, our circumstances had drastically changed and enough time had passed that I was able to think more clearly about what I truly wanted. It still hurt like a SOB, though.

Isa

[This message edited by isadora1985 at 9:05 AM, October 3rd (Monday)]


BS, 44
FWH, 52
married 26 years, together 27
3 DS (21, 16, 11)
MOW, whore who thinks she is a "Lady"...LMAO at this!
2 yr EA turned to 1-2 month PA(I think)
D-day, May 2009 (EA revealed)
D-day2, Oct. 12, 2009 (PA revealed)
NC since Ma

Posts: 455 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: MO
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, October 5th (Wednesday)

I have read Dr Shirley Glass's "Not just friends". after I found out. Which was seven years past my first gut instincts and seven years of him lying.

I also have read general healing time is 2-5 years when you find out when its happening or shortly after. Basically she says that the more lies they tell and the longer they lie the harder it is to get over it. So for me I guess the healing could take anywhere from 14-35 years. I wonder if anyone has figured out how get to a place where you don't look at your FWS and think I hate you?


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
angryBS
Member
Member # 31156
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, October 9th (Sunday)

Hahahaha ((Dallas2) You make me laugh.

I look at my FWH and think exactly that: I hate you!!

I guess that means I'm up for 50 odd years of healing too!!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.


Me BW 37
WH 37
Relationship of 20yrs.
Married for 13 yrs.
2 beautiful kids, 5 & 8.
TT for past 3 yrs.
Latest Dday 20 Jan 2011.

Posts: 145 | Registered: Feb 2011
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, October 9th (Sunday)

angrybs- Glad to share when it helps another smile


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
sadyettrying
Member
Member # 28008
Wink  Posted: 9:50 AM, October 9th (Sunday)

Dallas - I understand your feelings completely. I think the only thing I can say to you is that the dreaded time (hopefully not as many years as you note!) and talking are the things that helped me the most. I loved Not Just Friends (WH and I read it through together with lots and lots of pausing for discussion) and it helped quite a bit.
But yes, having to deal with both the revelation of an affair and years of lying is very challenging. I think the hate stays for a long time (and continues to pop up off and on) and only starts to recede with true remorse and understanding on your WS's part.

[This message edited by sadyettrying at 9:51 AM, October 9th (Sunday)]


Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2010
INMOM
New Member
Member # 33727
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, October 25th (Tuesday)

Well, I fit into this group. Found out 10 yrs after the fact that my H had a yr long 'just for the sex' affair w/ a good friend of mine, a gal who was one of my bridesmaids, was my child care provider and we did many things together as couples. Besides the A, H was having 3somes w/ the couple, but her H didn't know about the A going on at the same time. WTH right?? So, she admits it to her H yrs ago, they quit speaking to us (I was hurt thinking our friendship ended for no reason), "gave it God", moved away. Her H tells me this summer in a grocery parking lot. No mention of the 3somes, H fessed up to those, denying it was ever just the 2 of them, until the next nite. He cryingly sits me down and admits lying the nite before. Now, though, he claims its been so long, he cant recall many details. (when, how, where, etc). I hate my life now. So full of betrayal and resentment. Some days are good, some like today I blow a gasket and cant take it. We are in therapy. She says to focus on the future but I need answers from the past. Thanks for reading.

[This message edited by INMOM at 3:42 PM, October 25th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2011
sadyettrying
Member
Member # 28008
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, October 27th (Thursday)

I'm really sorry, INMOM.
I totally understand, I really do.
I have to say that I disagree with what your counselor suggests and I agree with you - you need answers before you can even think of the future. You need to take however long you need to process this and rethink your past in light of this terrible information.
Many of us have been where you are and it is awful, and many of us have experienced what it is to want answers and not get them because so much time has passed. But hang in there. I found that if a wayward spouse is willing to try hard, they can remember more than they think.
You will find support here.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2010
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, October 28th (Friday)

Iit would be so hate him for not being an adult and hiding his secret for so long. I know my life would be so different and the way things are now I have to say, better.

How do I know this? First I would've stayed in Texas. I had a nice house, pool and great friends. I also would have won my lawsuit against a company for firing me when I got sick. You lose if you don't show up. I actually seriously considered staying there without knowing I just knew we weren't good.

I would not have lived with a H who backed away from our life togethre. Oh we were together in the same house, but he always had projects to do so he spent most of his nights and weekends in his office((watching porn) or his man cave. I almost hated it when he came out. I never knew what his mood would be or what snide remarks he would make.

There are questions I can't imagine the answers to. Would I be in another relationship? I really don't know- at this point I'd say no. Would i be happier - maybe would i be

The good things that have happened is he finally came sort of clean. The most wonderful thing that happened is we became grandparents- much to soon but I believe things like that happen in God's timing not ours. My Grandson is the light in my life. I am also close enough to my family to be there when my Dad had lung cancer and now I can visit them whenever I want to or need to.

I am working on getting over what he took from me but he need to work on giving to me.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
TrustednBusted
Member
Member # 33743
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, October 28th (Friday)

I found out about my wife's first affair 10 years after it was over. I was upset, but don't struggle with images or anything. Just too long ago. Only thing that one does is make me dislike pics from that time, including my wedding album. Anything that involves my wedding, or the first year of my marriage is bad. Like, bad, bad.


Goodbye, and Good Luck everyone. I got a lot of help from this place. And wish you all the best.

Posts: 523 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: SoCal
iamsurviving
Member
Member # 23478
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, October 29th (Saturday)

Found out in 2007 about an EA (which i thought was only one)that lasted 3/4 years. Then found out yesterday that there was another EA back in 2001 and found out more details about EA in 2007. Devastated is not even the word - I'm am numb - married 45 years - I was married 45 years - husband was only married 39 apparently - am distraught and just heartbroken over this - don't know what to do. I'm just glad SI is here - what a horrible thing to go through at any age. God bless all here.


Me: BS (61)
Him: WH (64
Married: 41 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2009
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, November 7th (Monday)

Hi everyone. This is yet another group I fit into. My D Day was just over 3 months ago. My WH had had a series of As and ONS over the course of our M, some with women I thought were friends of mine.

Here is my dilemma ( or at least one of them!) One of my WH affairs was with a then close friend and neighbor . This one ended about 9 years ago. We continued to see the OW and her husband socially even though they moved until a few years ago when they split up. Got together with her and her new BF as recently as a month before DDay. She always acts super friendly to me and says we should get together more often. I have not seen her since I found out about her A with my H. She does not know I know. At some point I know I am going to run into her and I don't know what I am going to do. I feel so betrayed by her that she could pretend to be my friend while f**king my H behind my back and still pretend to be my friend today. The fact that it was over 9 years ago doesn't make it any easier. I try an imagine what I will do when I see her. I would love to scream obscenities at her but know that would achieve nothing. I feel I have to say something. Do you think something like "you can stop pretending to be my friend now. I know what you did and I don't want to have anything more to do with you" would be appropriate? Any others of you confronted the OW years after the A was over?

Sorry for rambling and thanks for any advice you can give.


Me-BW 49
SAWH 51
Married 27 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS, Porn
In limbo land

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jul 2011
danny924
Member
Member # 33521
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, November 8th (Tuesday)

I get the whole "being super nice to me".

Same boat....only difference was my friend screwed my bf when we had broken up for 3 months. I found out 4 years later (about a month and a half ago).

We have the same friends. I know I will run into her also. Idk what I will do or say. Prob ignore her. She didn't care back then, so why will she care now.

I just with she would've distanced herself from me instead of being my "friend".


Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2011
MOED
Member
Member # 31238
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, November 9th (Wednesday)

INMOM - I sent you a private message as not sure if/when you may check back for responses.

NotMeToo2011 - WTH? Your story is so messed up! What a horrible 'friend'! I'm so sorry to hear your story.I've not confronted my H AP and will most likely not have the opportunity to as she's moved out of the state, but if I did I would have to say something. Just not sure what but I would want it to be really significant and leave her speechless. My IC had me write her a letter that I would never send and that was actually a very helpful way for me to release some anger toward her. Try doing that and then have a few lines from that handy for the next time you run into her.

danny924 - same advice. Since you both have time to plan something to say, you can come up with a few really impactful lines and then turn your back on her and walk away...leaving her speechless, stunned, ashamed, embarassed etc. All of the things an AP should feel about themselves.


BS:Me,49
FWH: 52
Married: 25 years
DDay:12/15/10
Affair: 1998-2000

Posts: 83 | Registered: Feb 2011
anonymous1978
Member
Member # 33133
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, November 13th (Sunday)

i am with you...found out in late 2010 about multiple inappropriate situations with different women involving texting, kissing, visits to bars, drives home, etc in 2006 and 2007. It just makes me assume things went on during our entire relationship and that it was all a lie.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2011
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, November 15th (Tuesday)

Notmetoo2011 - Ugh, what a rotten situation! One of my OW's was also a friend, and I'm sure that one day I will run into her again. Totally not sure what I will do - I have thought and thought about it, and change my mind regularly. Right now I'm not going to say anything but I'll probably make snide remarks to her. Somehow I feel that I'll have more power in her not knowing that I know. But that's the way I feel today- tomorrow I might feel like outing her to the whole town!

Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, January 4th (Wednesday)

I just started a thread in the General forum: Need advice . .struggling with decision. I would like to hear from the men on here who found out years later. Do you wish you had never found out? Are you glad you did, even though the hell it has created?


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 586 | Registered: Mar 2003
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)

Why Men? I am a woman but I can tell you I am glad I found out because there was soemthing not quite right, just didn't know what it was.
I hate the hell that was created by the secrets and lies for years. I also hate the hell of trying to deal with the fact that my spouse betrayed me. I really don't think these feelings matter weather you're a man or a woman. I do feel that women are more apt to stay in the M than a BH. JMO.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)

Why Men? I am a woman but I can tell you I am glad I found out because there was soemthing not quite right, just didn't know what it was.
I hate the hell that was created by the secrets and lies for years. I also hate the hell of trying to deal with the fact that my spouse betrayed me. I really don't think these feelings matter weather you're a man or a woman. I do feel that women are more apt to stay in the M than a BH. JMO.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
foundoutlater
Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)

IMHO not knowing does not work well. My FWW had issues that I did not know about. Our M should have been much better and we were not that happy. Our M will be better and I have hope I will be happier once she has her issues worked out. I have been accused as being a bit different (odd to some) and a little girlish in the feelings department though.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2011
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)

..the truth needed telling, even if it was 40 years too late..

..it has changed my entire outlook on my life and hers for that matter..

..this betrayal has truly created a 'HELL on EARTH' for us..

..still hoping for a positive solution to R..

..but we know we are not there yet

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 9:16 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
itsjustnotfiar
Member
Member # 30537
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

I'm a guy who found out six years after the fact. I only wish I found out sooner. "I wanted to protect my family." Bs.

A healthy marriage cannot endure an affair IMO.


BS (me)- 44
WW - 42
PA - 10/2004 - 11/2004
EA - 10/2004 - 11/2010 (6 yrs)
DD - 11/25/2010. Nice Thankgiving present.
Together 22 years, married 15 years
2 kids - 10, 8

FB=A


Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: from the D
GoodFaith
Member
Member # 28249
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, January 6th (Friday)

I found out 20 years too late.

I found out 15 years too late.

I found out 10 years too late.

I found out.... you know.

In another forum someone recently posted the question:

"Would you take the red pill or the blue pill?"

If you remember The Matrix: the red pill wakes you up to reality and the blue pill puts you back in the Matrix /dream.

I'd choose the red pill again!

ItsJustNotFair - I got that BS from my BS too - "I was protecting my family"


BH (me) 51
FWW (CSA)44
3 Kids 17-23
DDay1 - 01/08/08 finaly found proof but still denied all.
DD2 31/08/2009 admited 4 cheats - one total stranger
DD3 20/01/2010 admitted 3 more

Posts: 311 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Ontario
2oldforthis
Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, January 6th (Friday)

I found out 23 years later. Really hard to deal with all those feelings of my marriage being a sham.

WS was with OW at about 10 yrs. of our marriage our son was only 2. Then again with her 1 1/2 yrs. later. That is when she claims she is having his C.

I still did not know.

She moved away and came back 12 yrs. later He was with her again.

I still did not know.

The 3rd time was a sexual relationship for a short period of time with an addition of 10 years that she blackmailed him.

Finally I find out.

Sometimes I feel like a fool.

[This message edited by 2oldforthis at 3:31 PM, January 6th (Friday)]


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1640 | Registered: Jun 2008
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, January 7th (Saturday)


..@2oldforthis..

"Sometimes I feel like a fool."....

..in my case: "ALL the time..i feel like a fool!"

..duped by WW and bf for 20 years does that to a person..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 8th (Sunday)

I found out seven years after he had his A and then it took him almost a year to answer even the basic questions.

Now he is frustrated and feels I should be all better now.

Does anybody know how we're supposed to be better when you've been lied to, cheated on and devaulued by a WS?

I think at the very least I should be given the same number of years to deal with his betrayal without any questions or resentment from him.

The fact the he had an A is huge but the lying and crap is still something I find it very hard to get my head around.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 8th (Sunday)

I found out seven years after he had his A and then it took him almost a year to answer even the basic questions.

Now he is frustrated and feels I should be all better now.

Does anybody know how we're supposed to be better when you've been lied to, cheated on and devaulued by a WS?

I think at the very least I should be given the same number of years to deal with his betrayal without any questions or resentment from him.

The fact the he had an A is huge but the lying and crap is still something I find it very hard to get my head around.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, January 8th (Sunday)

Dallas,

How did you find out?

I just learned about an additional affait of H's because the OW has an online diary that goes 10 yrs back.

The affair was about 7 yrs ago. For me it makes me sick that this info has been on the internet ALL THIS TIME and still is.

My H doesn't really understand why I am that upset over an affair that has been done and over with for so long.

I can't really wonder what I would have done if I would have caught it 7 yrs ago vs now.

It is an odd feeling trying to remember what was going on during that time period.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, January 8th (Sunday)


..if a member of your family was beaten or raped or murdered and you found out 10 years later, would you say, "Well, it happened a long time ago, so don't worry about it, water under the bridge!

..the longer it takes to find out the truth, the more lies and deceit have been used against you, and the longer they have decided to keep you in the dark.

..it makes matters even worse..i know, because i waited 23 years to find out.

..and getting all the facts is immensely more difficult with all the time that passed.

..it made for an even larger mess to deal with!

..trickle truth doesn't come close to describing the shock of finding out 'so many years' later.

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
so-crushed
Member
Member # 29137
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 8th (Sunday)

I found out when cleaning out the garage. I'm one that never snoops and assumes people are honest. (Well, I used to think that way.)

Long holiday weekend and I was going to tackle cleaning out the garage. When moving a cardboard box (covered in mouse poo), the box fell apart. I was just going to pick everything up and dump in the trash, but a few paystubs were in the mix and I'm one that shreds all info like that.

Looking at the papers now on the ground, saw "love" cards..turns out they were cards he hadn't sent his "soul mate" years ago as well as receipts for flowers he sent her. (with special instructions to put a red rose in the middle of the bouquet... something he's always done for me).

As of today ... nothing's off limits. There is nothing that I will not feel comfortable going though.

WH claims he had 2 A's. First started in '98... who knows for sure when it ended. (I know he had been in contact with OW#1 as late as 2003).

2nd A started sometime in 2003 and ended sometime in 2004. Unbeknownst to me at the time, the POS was driving by our house and was seen by my H (who had our DD with him at the time).

What I've been able to piece together years later... he started on Viagra during the first A. I remember a conversation we had in which he broke down emotionally telling me about his diagnosis of ED. Go figure... At the same time, he had grown a mustace/gotee.

Now that I've found a picture online of OW#1's H, (who has a mustache/gotee), no wonder WH had grown facial hair. He claimed at the time, he was going to explore facial hair, as he wasn't able to when he was in the military.

OW#2... he had a vasectomy during the timeframe of the A with OW#2. A very rough procedure that didn't go as well as anticipated. I took care of him ... ticks me off to realize I was just something he took for granted.. and the reason I see it that he had the vasectomy was so that he could screw the OW without risking pregnancy.

Didn't matter that he was exposing me to the shit the OW #1/#2 could be carrying.


Me - BS, 49
Him - WH, 49
Married 19yrs
D-Day, 5/29/10
1st A - EA/PA, 1998-2003(??) Long Distance
2nd A - PA, 2003-2004(??) Local

"You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul"


Posts: 189 | Registered: Jul 2010
2oldforthis
Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, January 10th (Tuesday)

..and getting all the facts is immensely more difficult with all the time that passed.

Yes, Yes, Yes can I relate to this statement.

My questions were intense, Why! because it just about involved my whole freakin marriage. It was like I had to reconstruct my whole marriage. I will say that there were somethings that now made more sense. I remember at one point in our marriage my WS was drinking during the day at work. He owned his own business and I would go down there and help out every once in awhile. Another period of time he would always stay late at work. Always had to much work to do. In the simplest of things now I know that it meant something else, not work. He was hiding out. We had a young C at the time. It pisses me off that he ignored him because of his self-centered sinful ways.

Very difficult! to sort thru.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1640 | Registered: Jun 2008
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, January 11th (Wednesday)

hitbyatruck:

I found in MC. I had moved out because he went into a blind rage in front of our Grandson and I refused to no nothing.

He confessed in our second session. I think he did it for revenge. The MC has no idea why he told after all this time.

I agree it is hard to think that far back. I was going through some medical so I had started keeping a journal. I have looked at it has helped because I know we were going through some awful stuff. I tried to do whatever I could. MC- he didn't have a problem so MC said he wouldn't see us again. Romantic getaways, etc. He chose to cheat and I didn't.

We were moving out east and I had moved back about one month early. Sometime when I was gone it happened. I figure it happened before I left- at least the flirting stage. I can tell you to the date when he first physically betrayed me. i just sensed it in his voice.

The hardest thing I feel is dealing with his lying for so long. He said he wasn't happy . When I look at pictures it was after his A that he was truly unhappy.

My H sounds like yours. It's over lets just forget it and move on. I am trying to get him to figure out what in him let him do something so terrible and how not to again. I am afraid if he doesn't deal with his demon, it will come out again.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, January 12th (Thursday)

All these years I had literal nightmares about him cheating on me before I finally pulled the truth out of him. It was years before SI and I let him gaslight me badly. What kind of monster would let their supposed loved one suffer like this?

It took me three solid years to finally get the truth out of him. I swear I have just as many scars from those years as I do from the infidelity.



Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, January 12th (Thursday)

I had a very bad case of hives from a nightmare of him cheating very early in our M. When He actually did Cheat. I knew it and when he confessed I was a mess.

Paperclip: I also wonder how they can tell us they loved us through the years of lying.

I also think the way he handled questions and the trickle truth has caused more damage than the actual A and those are the things I'm not sure I'll ever get over.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
2oldforthis
Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, January 12th (Thursday)

It's over lets just forget it and move on. I am trying to get him to figure out what in him let him do something so terrible and how not to again. I am afraid if he doesn't deal with his demon, it will come out again.

I can so relate to this statement. This is what he wants to do also. What he did is way wrong in many many ways, years of lies, also additonal deciet with finances. So many extremes. But the work he wants to do is way nothing to the amount of destruction he has done.

He just can get it that is why we are not healing.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1640 | Registered: Jun 2008
always-hope
Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, January 13th (Friday)

My WH had a LTEA/PA. I also had an STD (chlamydia) 5 yrs into our M. I found out after our first DS was born.

I was so naive at the time that I thought it was just like a yeast infection & none of the Dr.'s or the Pharmacist told me it was an STD.

After DDay for the PA, I found out that WH has been lying about other women(flirting, inappropriate talk, seeing old gf's) since we met, he cannot understand why I am hurt/angry about that NOW that I know the truth (and I do not think I know it all).

To me our relationship/marriage was started in dishonesty on WH's part. WH says that does not matter now--that he is being honest now, and thinks dredging up the past is me choosing to stay hurt/angry and not forgive him.

WH also got scabies from the PA with OW & gave it to me. WH's Dr. suggested that I got it from the dog sleeping in my bed, and gave it to
WH.

I called the CDC & spoke with them about the scabies & chlamydia. They said scabies in dogs is mange & is not transmittable to humans. Also there is an extremely remote chance that chlamydia could have been present & bouncing back & forth for 8 yrs, but highly unlikely.

WH had gone to Vegas(the year before chlamydia) with a male friend & was hit on by a hooker. He did not tell me, I overheard him joking about it with some guys 6 months after his trip. When I asked him about it back then he just glossed it over (can you say gaslight?) & I believed him completely.

I now feel that WH dodged a bullet back then, because I did not even think to ask questions & research. Now that I know WH can lie to me & cheat I connect the Vegas trip, hooker & the std. WH still denies any wrongdoing & I have no concrete proof this far out. (21 yrs)

I just feel like our whole M has been a lie...

[This message edited by always-hope at 12:50 PM, January 13th (Friday)]


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, January 18th (Wednesday)

WH says that does not matter now--that he is being honest now, and thinks dredging up the past is me choosing to stay hurt/angry and not forgive him.

Always hope, I get so tired of hearing that from my WH. That everything should just be forgiven because it was years ago and he's a "better person" now.

Does everyone else struggle with believing them now? I really have a hard time believing that someone could cheat on me with at least 5 OW over the course of two years and just stop all of a sudden.


Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, January 20th (Friday)

Does everyone else struggle with believing them now?

Absolutely, and this

I really have a hard time believing that someone could cheat on me with at least 5 OW over the course of two years and just stop all of a sudden.

This is the problem I have also. I found out 6 months ago about affairs my WH has been having through most of our 25 year marriage. One with someone I considered a close friend was over 10 years ago. It is so hard to deal with. I feel like my whole marriage has been a sham. All the lies he told me while I thought we were happily married.


Me-BW 49
SAWH 51
Married 27 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS, Porn
In limbo land

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jul 2011
always-hope
Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, January 21st (Saturday)

Does everyone else struggle with believing them now?

WH gets angry that I won't believe him now. That makes me think that the whole truth is not on the table. I also think that the way he acts with me is not how he acts when I am not there. That he is still flirting when I am not there to see it.

I have access to everything & know he is not in contact with the PA OW....but if WH does not get IC to dig deeper & find out why it was OK to lie to me for years, what will stop him from finding another OW?

All the lies he told me while I thought we were happily married.

Well, our marriage sucked on & off while he was in the EA's/PA but I thought we were committed at least, I took the vows seriously & trusted that WH did also...


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
whytellmenow
New Member
Member # 34680
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, January 30th (Monday)

So glad to have found this topic. I was beginning to think I was alone! I found out in Nov. '10 that my H of 29 years had what he calls "just sex" with someone who was suppose to be a close friend of our family. She attended our church, kept my youngest daughter for us to go out because she had a little girl just 2 years older. She even went to the beach with me and our kids, my H did not go on this trip (thank God). According to H this began maybe in '95 and ended in 2001. He says he really can't remember the date of the beginning. He recalls what happened just not the date. I have had so many questions and most of his answers are "I don't remember because I've tried to forget about for the last 10 years!" The only reason I found out was because she had told another "friend" of ours and this woman and her son were blackmailing my H. He had given her money 2 years ago to not tell me and then again in 2009, this past Nov. her son contacted my H and wanted more money, well things have been tight here and he just couldn't come up with extra cash. The son began threatening to come to our church on that Sunday and tell everyone, so that Sunday morning about 6am my H woke me up and said, "--------- I've got to talk to you, I messed up." I'll never forget those words!
We have 3 grown children, 1 grandson and 1 grandson on the way. We are working on our M. I don't want to leave and I don't want him to leave. He has been an amazing H and Dad. Some days I do fine and others I just lose it! I still have so many questions and just wondering if it is normal to want to know so many details of what happened and where it happened. He says it was not an everyday or even every week thing. He never took OW anywhere, never bought her anything, it was just sex. Usually in his truck. Twice at her apt. and yes, once in our home, not in our bed, in the floor of our den.
Somebody, please help me! I don't want to talk to anyone who knows my H, because he is sooooooooo respected by everyone! I really don't want to ruin his reputation because i do love him.
Sorry this was so long, but it's the first time I've shared this with anyone!!
Help!!!!

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2012
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, January 30th (Monday)

whytellmenow

Sorry you have to be here but glad you have found this site to give you the support you need.

I think it is perfectly normal that you have all kinds of questions that you need answers too. While it may be true that your WH doesn't remember all the details, he should be totally forthcoming and open in giving you the details he can remember ( and that you want to know).

You are also dealing with a double betrayal where the OW was a person you considered a friend. Was this woman still in your life up until you found out? This other woman who was blackmailing your H, did you still think of her as a friend until D Day? It is amazing how low people will sink. Any real friend would have told you about the A as soon as they found out, not blackmailed your H.

My fWH had multiple As. Two were with so called " friends" of ours so I can relate to how you are feeling. I found out 8 years after the A with the first friend ended and a year after the A with the second friend ended. (There were others before and after too).

Do you think there may have been any other As during your marriage or was this the only one? I was totally blindsided on D Day. I thought we were happily married and never dreamt my H would cheat on me, then I found out it had been going on throughout most of our 25 year marriage.

It sounds like your H is remorseful and you are both committed to your marriage. Taliking to a counsellor may help you sort out your feelings and help you process the information you now have. The emotional rollercoaster sucks. Everyone on these forums seems to agree that it's normal to have good days and bad days, and this can go on for a long time. There's lots of good information in " the Healing Library". Keep posting. There are lots of wise people here who will reach out to you.


Me-BW 49
SAWH 51
Married 27 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS, Porn
In limbo land

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jul 2011
whytellmenow
New Member
Member # 34680
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, January 31st (Tuesday)

Notmetoo2011

Thank you for your response, it really helped just to be able to get a little bit of it out!
The OW had already distanced herself from us about 8 yrs ago. She remarried and moved away for awhile, divorced, moved back and has now remarried again.
The other "friend" had also kinda of dropped out of our circle of friends for the last 3 years which is about the time she first asked my H for money. She still lives in our small town, but we don't have contact with her anymore.

I truly believe this was the only OW he has been unfaithful with, but am I just being stupid again? H says he has tried to think of the times they were together (in order to answer my questions) and there were only 11 or 12 times during those 6 years. Of course during that time she was married twice and divorced. He says it was absolutely nothing but sex. He didn't take her anywhere, buy her anything or do anything for her. He said she did ask him would he leave me for her once the kids were grown and he says he made it clear to her that he would never leave me that was not what he wanted.
I did have a promotion at work during this time and was out of town quite a bit, so i guess I made it easier for H to stray. My two sister were also going thru Chemo at the same time and I spent a lot of time with them also.
You know I spend a lot of time blaming myself. My little girl often slept in our bed, so maybe he wasn't getting enough sex from me, I don't know.
I am just babbling on now so I'll quit, but again thank you for responding. I really can use some support!


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2012
whytellmenow
New Member
Member # 34680
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, January 31st (Tuesday)

I've been reading thru this thread and noticed that several of you are wondering what to say to the OW (who doesn't know that you know about the A) the next time you run into her.
The OW in my situation still thinks we are friends, she sent me a friend request on FB. She had moved away for awhile, but is now back in our small town. Her daughter works at a local restaurant that our family frequently chooses when we go out together.
I guess a should say also that we have not shared any of this with our grown children or anyone else for that matter.
I actually got her phone # from her daughter the other night at the restaurant and have thought of calling and inviting her to lunch and then blasting her with what I know.
Please help me!! I feel like I'm losing it too often!

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2012
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, January 31st (Tuesday)

I don't have any first hand advice regarding telling the OW that you know about the A. I haven't confronted either of my so called " friends" about the As. One of them knows I know because my WH told her he'd told me about them when his hand was forced on D Day. The earlier one doesn't know. There have been various suggestions here such as writing a letter to the OW, getting all your feelings out, even if you don't actually send it. I think I would find a face to face confrontation hard. I am considering the letter option but think I actually need to send it. Part of the reason I've done nothing is because only one couple know about my WH's As. I don't want it to be common knowledge and I definitely don't want our kids to find out. I worry that if I confront, the OW may decide to spread it around.

It makes me so mad that these women thought nothing of sleeping with my H behind my back while pretending to be my friends to my face. I welcomed them into my home, I trusted them. I don't know how they could look me in the eye all these years.

One thing I can tell you for sure is stop blaming yourself for your husband's actions. Nothing justifies what he did. Everyone who has kids has gone through that period when they are very young and they seem to take over life as we know it. Maybe it's not ideal if sex has to take a back burner for a while but I think it's quite common. Not all husbands in that situation choose to cheat. It's a selfish choice they make all by themselves. In no way was it your fault.

Hang in there.


Me-BW 49
SAWH 51
Married 27 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS, Porn
In limbo land

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jul 2011
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, February 3rd (Friday)

(((whytellmenow)))

Sorry you have to be here, but I'm so glad you found us!

Yes, it's completely normal to have tons of questions for your WH. I made lists in a notebook to help get them out of my head.

"I don't remember because I've tried to forget about for the last 10 years!"
I heard this a lot at first too. Turns out he could actually remember quite a bit, even after 20 years. It's very important that your WH listen to you and not shut you down when you need to talk about the affair.

IC can help, but be careful. The first one I had kind of rolled her eyes when I told her how long ago the affairs were. Finally I found a good one that explained to me that I was grieving the loss of the man I thought I'd married, and that finally made some sense to me.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have the OW in the same town! I know I'd try to avoid her as much as possible, but I doubt that's the healthy answer.

women thought nothing of sleeping with my H behind my back while pretending to be my friends to my face

It's amazing, isn't it? I can't even wrap my head around how they must justify it in their heads.


Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
2oldforthis
Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 4th (Saturday)

(whytellmenow) I can totally understand the statement that I can't remember because it's been x number of years that I have been trying to forget about it. I got that line. I didn't really care. I had so many questions. After all it was just about our whole marriage that he had hidden this lie. The answering of questions did not go well with us. To many I don't remember's, or he would get angry to stop me from asking any more questions, he tried to bully me, he also would be wishy washy with his answers, boy was that hard. He would say one thing one time and than later say something totally different. That just really made me frustrated. He did not want to talk about it. He would answer but would almost just say anything. That has totally put a hault to our relationship now.

He also had the blackmail thing. The OW was blackmailing my WS for years. She claim to have had his C. The whole thing was sick. She left town and then came back and when she did she blackmailed him. So I can totally relate to that.

I don't believe that he is cheating now but I totally believe that it could happen again.

He also says it was just sex. He did not take her any place or buy her anything. He had sex with her at his business and at her house. I do believe him when he says that because I have asked detailed question about that and what he has said it is believeable that they were just having sex. That does not make it harder or easier. My feelings about that are just as bad and disgusted.

[This message edited by 2oldforthis at 9:33 AM, February 4th (Saturday)]


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1640 | Registered: Jun 2008
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, February 4th (Saturday)

.. ..kind of makes you think that you shouldn't have or want 'friends' in your life because you can't even trust them to not fuck around with your spouse!!!

..conversely, my wife chose to fuck around with my 'friend'..
..getting screwed over by a stranger is one thing.. ....but the 'friend' ???? the blaytant, in your face smile of deception..

..years of it ..?????

((((whytell)))

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Hannelore
Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, February 5th (Sunday)

Hi everybody, I am so glad I read this forum, my WH has been having oral sex over a 5 year or so period, the last time over a year ago, he says. With a man... That we worked with... We own a small business.

I found out the week before Christmas, needless to say the holidays were completely ruined for me. I suspected something for years, but another man just blows my mind. No pun intended.

He swears he is not gay or bi, has some childhood SA issues, trying to get into counseling. We do love each other and are committed to working through this, but I am really getting pissed off at times when it crosses my mind .

Anyway, just wanted to say hi and reading this stuff is helping not feel so alone.

[This message edited by Hannelore at 12:09 AM, February 8th (Wednesday)]


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 129 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Looby-loo
Member
Member # 34726
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, February 15th (Wednesday)

Sending ((((((hugs)))))) to you all.

It's difficult to know what we will find out in our futures.

I wish you all peace.


ღ♥¸¸.•*´¯`♥ღ LOVE HURTS ღ♥¸¸.•*´¯`♥ღ


DD 1: 27/12/11
DD 2: 16/04/12
Me: 49 (now 50)
WS: 44 (now 45)
OW: 33 (now 34)
Status: Divorcing / Selling our House


Posts: 223 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: UK
both sides
Member
Member # 26506
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, March 23rd (Friday)

I want to pose a question to the members of this particular forum.

Here is the background, about 1980 my W started an affair with her boss. He was married as well. The affair continued for about 5 or 6 years (that could be the subject of another post). My W says she had to stop because she was feeling so guilty. So she says they did but they remained "friends" for many years. They then moved out of the area shortly before our joint DDays. This affair was kept from both his W and myself for almost 30 years.

So my question, the OM and his BW are both in their mid to late seventys. This happened so long ago. Should I contact the BW and tell her? What good would it do? To know that by telling her now may ruin the life she has left. This plagues me so. If I do tell, at this point it would be for revenge, make him miserable for the rest of his life. That does not seem reason enough to do this to her.

Thanks for reading this, I know the conventional wisdom here is to tell. Maybe I just need to get this put here....

Thanks,
Both sides


Me- BS/WS- 55
Her- WS/BS- 53
M- 34 years and counting
In R
Revow- 7/10- OK, we didn't wait! So glad we did! My Wife is my ROCK!
Our love is strong! Strong enough!

Posts: 140 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Oklahoma
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, March 23rd (Friday)

Both sides,

You are in a tough situation. Why would you want to tell the BW now? Do you realyy think she didn't have some sort of idea? Remember we all have instincts about this. If the OP has any type of morals he is already miserable in some form. My WS has become an alcholic to cope with his guilt. Revenge will end up making you feel guilty especially if something terrible happens. Write a letter to her and put all your thoughts, feelings and bitterness in it. Set it aside a couple of days and reread it and then shred it. This will you give some satisfaction with out damage to you or them. How are you doing with this knowlegde?


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, March 23rd (Friday)



Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, March 23rd (Friday)


..late 70's in age?? that does temper the situation some!..

..news like this could trigger a heart attack.. who knows?

..it comes down to your own conscience as to your true motivations for outing the A, even after 30 years.

..in my case, i got the truth after 40 yrs!?

..what is it exactly you hope to gain from informing the BW?

..there is nothing wrong with getting some payback if some revenge is on the menu.

..there is no statute of limitations on betrayal.. in fact, the longer the lies, the longer we are kept living an imaginary life, the worse the impact of the damage.. it's like 'woodrot'..

..the longer it is left, the more it creeps in and expands throughout the structure.. and the harder it is to fix..

..in the end, it is a very personal call for you to make. ..hope you can come to a peaceful place

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, March 23rd (Friday)

I don't get on very often but Does anyone have trouble believing them now?is just what I have been feeling lately. He had an A lied for years, still has not told the whole truth(probably never will), blames me for it, claims he stayed be of me. I have decided I don't believe anything he says to me. He lied all those years without any tells, almost convinced me I was crazy. What has he done to tell me the truth or convince me of the truth? Zilch. To avoid being lied to I just don't talk about anything he can lie about.!
ie hOW'S THE WEATHER?


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
both sides
Member
Member # 26506
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, March 23rd (Friday)

Thank you Dallas and SMY for your thoughts.

I think to disclose now would do more harm to innocent people than any revenge is worth. I have been stewing about this for a while and just needed to let it out.

I wish you all peace as well.
Thank you,
Both Sides


Me- BS/WS- 55
Her- WS/BS- 53
M- 34 years and counting
In R
Revow- 7/10- OK, we didn't wait! So glad we did! My Wife is my ROCK!
Our love is strong! Strong enough!

Posts: 140 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Oklahoma
noescape
Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, March 23rd (Friday)

I can't remember because it's been x number of years that I have been trying to forget about it.

EXACTLY that line through months upon months of TT. And this coming from a woman who remembers the tiniest of details from more than a decade ago.

Does anyone have trouble believing them now?is just what I have been feeling lately. He had an A lied for years, still has not told the whole truth(probably never will), blames me for it, claims he stayed be of me. I have decided I don't believe anything he says to me. He lied all those years without any tells, almost convinced me I was crazy. What has he done to tell me the truth or convince me of the truth? Zilch. To avoid being lied to I just don't talk about anything he can lie about.!

Wow, I could've written that about my WW. I can surely say she drove me crazy through the year or so of TT till I just didn't want to hear the same shit over and over again. I am so disgusted at the treatment meted out to me after our mutual DDays, while I was being honest and open and worked HARD to start the R process, she kept waffling around in her TT and gas lighting. On another forum, I did ask whether so many years of her fogginess (started by the 2nd year into our M), and her state of having so many constant As over 6 years might have put her in a reality that the M was the aberration and the As were normal... She's almost stated that once or twice even during MC.

It's a mind bender of epic proportions. My entire M was based on lies and dishonesty and here I was thinking and often working at trying to fix our problems through all these years blaming myself and our day to day problems. I had no clue that I was warring with multiple APs and a multitude of As ranging in intensity and purpose (and won't ever know the details of). Loved a quote on this site, "you can know where the light is from the shadows", and all I am surrounded by when I look back to those years and her treatment over 2 years of not wanting to deal with the As (on both sides), are the shadows.

I remember distinctly feeling a lack of intimacy and I ended up blaming that on the death of her mother. I took a lot of blame and put up with a lot of gas lighting post DDay not realising the extent of her brokenness and her As. I took a lot of blame even during her A years through her gaslighting, frequently acknowledging my behavioural problems, our fights and M issues as the core problem (which would be in the absence of infidelity), not realising that I was dealing with someone who had already poisoned the well years ago and consistently kept doing it.

I am still reeling from not KNOWING about my LIFE, through 3 kids, 8 years of M, constant struggles with family and finances. How could I be such a fool? I readily bought into her revisionist history initially, how else could I explain such a blatant and continual betrayal? I had a hard time reconciling that with the feedback I used to get, not only from her but from those around us about how ideal our M looked from the outside.

I've since realised that her revisionist history is critical for her to maintain her justification, nay, sanity, to explain her As. I can't remember so many little things that seemed so wrong back then, but I do know I was (we were?) trying to make it a good M.

The worst feeling is one of disgust at being treated (and still so) for all those years with so much disregard and utter contempt by someone who I felt so safe with and claimed throughout to love and cherish me... Ugh.

I also know that she attempted to minimise the fallout of my A recently because she just wanted to minimise her own infidelities. I was like OMG, that was so horrible and disgusting, and yet she always gave the impression of "it's over now, let fix the M". Now I know why. She's scared to look into herself. She is, even in these 22 months of heightened awareness and attempted Rs, a dry adulterer.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, March 23rd (Friday)

Bothsides,

I am in a similar quandary, except the affairs were 20 years ago and the people are now in their forties.

I go back and forth between deciding to tell or not. I do know I hate that I'm in the position of keeping secrets from someone.

It's difficult either way. Hugs.


Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
both sides
Member
Member # 26506
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, March 23rd (Friday)

Thank you to all that replied. Yes it is a hard spot. Knowing the devistation one can do..... I appreciate all of your thoughts, for now I will keep this to myself.

Thankfully I have a place to vent this stuff.

Have a good weekend all!

Both sides


Me- BS/WS- 55
Her- WS/BS- 53
M- 34 years and counting
In R
Revow- 7/10- OK, we didn't wait! So glad we did! My Wife is my ROCK!
Our love is strong! Strong enough!

Posts: 140 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Oklahoma
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, March 24th (Saturday)

whytellmenow- MY WH also said it was just sex. Well if it was just sex why did he keep it a secret for so long. After years of lying and then the TTS.

I can tell you for him it wasn't just sex. He talked to her and shared his feelings with her. He told her all about our life.He shared more of himself in 2 months(so he claims) than 25 years with me. He even he admitted to me he told her he wasn't worried about me that I would survive and move on. Am I reading more into than there is?

The only thing I know for sure is he has shown his true self and I don't like him or trust him.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
hurting7897
Member
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, April 1st (Sunday)

Hello everyone, I just found this thread and like you all, I never asked for this, never wanted this to be my life. I found out my FWH had had a ONS with the OW 16 years ago and never told me. I found out (d-day 8 weeks ago) when he left his FB page open and there were messages back and forth from the two of them that resumed a year ago when she found him on FB. (he also brought her into our open marriage and bed. EA continued for 6 mos after until d-day)

As much as I'm plagued by the EA from the last year, the ONS between the two of them 16 years ago plagues me more. We were newlywed, had a new baby, and yes, he was drunk but also not drunk enough to wear a condom. He takes full responsibility for his actions and is very remorseful, in IC, and doing everything he can to try to make it up to me. BUT---it's my first thought every morning and I just am so f***ing angry. He broke our vows so new into our marriage and lied to me for 16 years!!!! He takes full responsibility and like I said, regrets it more than anything.
How do I get past this? How do I know this isn't a deal breaker for me?
Any advice is welcome.

Hugs to all.


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
pergatory
New Member
Member # 35685
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, May 28th (Monday)

I'm glad I found this forum, because I have scoured the web for situations like mine, trying to find some sort of answers to the questions lingering in my head. I feel like my situation is a tame one in comparison to many, but my life has been very shaken by it.

About three weeks ago, I came home from work to find my wife crying uncontrollably. She asked me to sit down, and told me about an infidelity in our relationship that happened about a month before we got married. We have been married for almost four years, and she had kept this from me all this time. She entered into marriage with this betrayal hidden from me.

We had dated for a little over a year and had a long-distance relationship. I was her first, and I know this for sure. In fact, she was very inexperienced when we started dating. Although we lived in neighboring states, our ways of life were similar: fairly old-fashioned, traditional Christian upbringings. So the thought of infidelity had been completely out of the picture for me. Our marriage has always felt very solid to me, especially when I see the issues involved in other marriages.

The boy she cheated with had been someone she had feelings for intermittently through school, and I mean since 3rd grade. Nothing serious, never even kissed before. But during our relationship he had started texting her, often about his current relationship or other issues, but his texts had gotten more aggressive. She had told me about his texts several months back, and I had gotten mad, and she never mentioned it again. I assumed, and still feel, that through all his advances she had been true to me in every way.

But one night she contacted him though text. She claims it had started innocently. Since so much time has passed, she says she can't remember details anymore. She says she doesn't know why she texted him. She claims it had nothing to do with me. But apparently the text conversation progressed, and at one point she sent him a picture of her from the back, wearing nothing but panties, apparently to tease him, telling him he could never have her.

Again, the details have been scarce from this point. She doesn't know what led her to sneak out of bedroom window at her parent's house, but she did. She walked down the road and met him in his truck. They had sex, but she claims he didn't cum, which seems strange to me. She says she started realizing how much of a mistake this was during their encounter. She is of course incredibly apologetic and remorseful.

We still live together, though I have been sleeping in our spare bedroom. What is difficult is that, due to the traditional Christian circles we are a part of, I feel like I have to keep this to myself. I don't want others to know, and I know that if I leave others will find out. Our social/religious circle is very tight-knit, and my dad is a very important member of it. I don't want to bring shame to my family, and I know that if her family finds out they will react with great anger and judgment to say the least. Her parents are also visiting right now, so I feel like we need to pretend everything is just perfect for the next week while they are staying with us. I feel like a prisoner in my own life.

My main questions are:

-Can I trust her? What she did seems so out of character with who I thought she was. I want to believe that what she did was an isolated incident, but I've been having my doubts. I believe this is the only time she's cheated, but I'm afraid that if our marriage ever hits a rocky patch in the future, that she is capable of cheating again.

-When can I let myself and our life together return to normal, without feeling like I've let her off too easy?


Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Oregon
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 28th (Monday)

hi there...welcome to si...you will be surrounded by friends here.

i want to recommend you posting your story on the "just found out forum." a lot of people will respond to your post and provide you with some wonderful insight and advice. i am sorry you are here. hang in there...you will be okay.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
hurting7897
Member
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, May 28th (Monday)

Hi ((pergartory))
I applaud her for sitting you down and telling you. If you read my story, you'll see the devasatation finding out the truth the way I did.

I would ask her "why now? what made you tell me now?" And I'd want to know why she took so long to tell you. Because I'm in this boat with you---again, my FWH had a ONS 16 years ago I just found out about and another 2 years ago and another EA/PA 8 months ago I just found out about. And the fact that I "found out" makes me suspicious how much more is out there waiting for me to find (he says nothing else is out there. He's told me everything) but understands how the fear is very real.

I can't say for your situation, but i am guessing that's her only transgression. That was brave of her to come forward the way she did. And yes, ti's very likely she could cheat again in the future if she doesn't address the issues that caused her to cheat in the first place.

I wish you both good luck and I'm so sorry you're here.

Hugs.


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
pergatory
New Member
Member # 35685
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, May 29th (Tuesday)

Thank you sri and hurting for your support. I will try posting in "just found out".

To hurting, I hope that you're not right about her cheating again, but I guess the reason I joined this forum was to try and gain perspective. She says wholeheartedly that she never will, but when someone has already betrayed your trust for that long, believing that statement is hard to do. I tend to think that the reason for her cheating was not so much her personal issues, but more the situation. We had a long-distance relationship, this boy was available, and she was having cold feet about our upcoming marriage. I would visit her about every month, but most of our relationship was on the phone, and didn't like to talk on the phone as much as she did.

Are there any others out there who were cheated on because of cold feet? It seems like it would not be that uncommon.

Thanks again for the support


Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Oregon
Itstoohard
Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, December 31st (Monday)

I cannot believe there are others who have found out years later! 22years for me. FWH has said it was so bad he wiped it out. Doesnt even remember what she looked like. So difficult not having answers. Thought he was making things up but MC said he was making up memories rather than remembering memories. Made sense to both of us.He said he denied all these years be cuz he was afraid I would leave. Who knows . I do know he has done everything right since dd.its hard with no answers but I don't have to worry about running into her or getting answers to questions that I really don't need or want to know. A's are bad news whenever they happen.

[This message edited by Itstoohard at 4:44 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
Itstoohard
Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)

Duplicate

[This message edited by Itstoohard at 7:00 AM, March 1st (Friday)]


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, January 5th (Saturday)

itstoohard...

So sorry you are dealing with this now. I, like you, found out 18 years after the last A ended. My WH had infidelities for the first 10 years of our relationship.

Next month it will be 2 years since DDay #1. Things have gotten a lot better. With the help of us both going to IC and starting MC a few months ago. My WH has been improving with the details from the past. He said it was something he buried and never wanted to remember.

Come to SI for support. I will keep checking for your posts.


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
Itstoohard
Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, January 6th (Sunday)

TS
Thanks for your input.
Yeah my H said same thing, he buried the whole thing. I glad for you that your h is able to remember.
When our MC said she felt he was making memories it made so much sense. I would ask"did you tell her you loved her?". Quickly he would say "NO.". But now he admits he doesn't think he could've but he doesn't really remember.
Sometimes I can't decide which is worse the A or the 22 years of lying. Do you ever think like that?
I too am sorry you have to deal with this. I so thank you ans SI for these posts. Just to know others have gone thru this.....

[This message edited by Itstoohard at 7:09 AM, January 12th (Saturday)]


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, January 10th (Thursday)

I don't know why it is so reassuring to me that others have experienced knowledge after a significant time.
I can tell you it is. What is also healing is my WS coming clean....I did suspect and confronted him from time to time. His excuses were so ridiculous that they were believable. Who would make up such crazy stuff. Truth is stranger than fiction, and when you think you have heard it all...better buckle up.
What finally brought him to confessing is my finding pictures of his "friend" 1/2 his age. So after 35 years, of on and off infidelity I don't feel I am a crazy lady anymore. Unbelieveable that he could blameshift and allow me to think I was paranoid.
I cannot tell you how much better I feel. The healing has only just truly begun. We have been in reconcilliation for 8 months, but I feel at peace.
The only one I truly have control over is myself...and I am fully aware and making thoughtful choices without guilt.
Peace to each of you with a history of infidelity. May you each find a way to cope.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jul 2012
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, January 12th (Saturday)

The lying hands down is the hardest thing to accept. How he could keep this from me for so long and be able to live with himself.

I am thankful for his continued progress and feel that, with time, our marriage will be saved.


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, January 17th (Thursday)

One of the things I have found very hard to accept since discovering the A is that quite a few people have implied that I was over-reacting as the A happened "long ago".

One of my closest friends said to fWH "If the affair had happened yesterday I would never speak to you again, but seeing as it was 9 years ago I can forgive you" I was so upset! To my mind she was actually rewarding him for keeping it from me for so long!

Even my daughters were quick to jump to their Dad's defence saying words to the effect of: "Come on mom, it happened so long ago and he's sorry!"

Why do people find it so hard to accept that whether the affair happened yesterday or 9 years ago that bottom line is it happened. fWH betrayed me, the fact that I never knew about it does NOT make it less of a betrayal!

In fact the way I see it, the fact that he kept it from me for so long and that the last 9 years have been based on a lie makes it much, much worse!

Anyone else have this kind of a reaction from friends or family?


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 946 | Registered: Oct 2012
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, January 17th (Thursday)

I can't comment on my family's reaction because we haven't told anyone. However, I can guarantee that my family would never forgive him if I did say something.

The years of lying is the hardest thing to accept. I found out 5 years after the last A. Really, IMO, our whole marriage was a lie. The A's started within the first year of our M and carried on for 5 years and 10 months. I was gaslighted for that entire time, because I KNEW something had happened.

It's really difficult, because you just have no idea what to trust anymore. They were able to lie for so long, that it seems nothing they say or do can be trusted anymore.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1116 | Registered: Jul 2012
YoungMommy86
New Member
Member # 38286
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, January 28th (Monday)

is anyone still here?

This is my story.

I was dating my husband on and off (I was 19 and he was 22 when we started dating) for about a year when I found out I was pregnant. DDay was literally the same day (only about 7 hours) that I found out I was pregnant. He was upset about something(probably feeling guilty about cheating) and broke up with me a few days before, then told me that he had cheated once. I had been thinking I could be pregnant and when he told me he cheated I prayed and hoped that my period was just late. During our conversation about him cheating at the beginning of our relationship, I told him I had missed my period and that night after work, he showed up at my apartment with a pregnancy test. It was positive.

Anyway, long story short, I ended up marrying him for the wrong reasons; because i was scared to be pregnant alone and I was also in and out of the hospital due to severe morning sickness, so I had to leave my job. I was not close to any family and barely had any friends, so he was the only person I had to help support me and my soon-to-be-son that I was pregnant with.

When my son was 2 months old, I brought up the subject of H cheating again and then found out that there were 2 one night stands during our courtship. He says he was drunk both times and uses that as an excuse.

I decided to try to forgive (really just put it in the back of my mind and try to forget about it) and move on. Then, 3 years into our marriage, I left because of a fight one night and stayed with a friend for a week. The night I left with my 1-year-old son, my H called his ex-girlfriend (high school sweet heart that broke his heart by cheating with his best friend/roommate in college) and begged her to come stay with him. He offered to pay for her plane ticket, etc. She said no and he stopped talking to her. The same night, he also got on a few "sex websites" (sites that you pay to find 'friends' to sleep with in your area) and also spent too much money on porn and begged a mutual friend to bring girls over. He ended up not physically cheating that night, but only because he didn't have anyone to cheat with.

I decided to stay. Mostly because I was scared of raising a baby on my own and losing my time spent with my son. I had been a stay-at-home-mom since he was born and the thought of losing that scared me.

Now, almost 7 years into our marriage, and another son (2-years old) I am realizing that I never truly moved on from his infidelity. I realize that I've lost myself during our marriage. I have tried to just put the infidelity out of my mind, but it always pops up when I least expect it.

I'm a roller-coaster of emotions 90% of the time. I'm unhappy, resentful, bitter, etc. I am uncomfortable with intimacy with my H because all I can think about is the infidelity.

I just feel so betrayed, even after all the years that have gone by. I am 26 years old and would rather be alone now than in 15 years when I'm older and he has had another affair.

Does anyone have a similar story? How did you get through it?

ME: 26
H: 29
2 children (5 and 2)
Married almost 7 years.
DDay- July 06 and May 07


Me: (26) BW
Him: (29) 2 A's before marriage, but didn't find out until after marriage
Married: 7 years
2 children both DS (5 and 2)
R: ?? i'm not sure i ever can and it's been 7 years.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Texas
both sides
Member
Member # 26506
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, January 28th (Monday)

Hi YM86,

It sounds like you rugswept at the time and its reared it head. These things have a way of doing that. If you can, you could get into IC to work through things. From reading your post it certainly sounds as though you never really processed this, so your mind is saying its time you did.

How does your H act? Have you told him? Is he supportive? He can certainly go a long way to help you work through this. But he needs to know.

Have you been able to talk to anyone about this IRL? If you are not comfortable telling someone close, an IC would help.

I wish you the best, this is not easy to work through.

Both Sides

[This message edited by both sides at 5:20 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)]


Me- BS/WS- 55
Her- WS/BS- 53
M- 34 years and counting
In R
Revow- 7/10- OK, we didn't wait! So glad we did! My Wife is my ROCK!
Our love is strong! Strong enough!

Posts: 140 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Oklahoma
YoungMommy86
New Member
Member # 38286
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)

Thanks for the reply.

We have talked about it. He has been remorseful since we got married, other than the times he's strayed emotionally (not physically..as I said, only because the girls wouldn't).

I am in the habit of saying I want to leave at least once every few months. This time, I actually left emotionally for longer than I ever have. We've been in separate bedrooms for a few weeks. I would leave if I had family or someone to stay with for a while until I got back on my feet.

I know H would do anything to make it up to me, but I'm just not sure I want to forgive him. I just can't handle the insecurity his infidelity brought up in me.

I'm sick of living in the body of this bitter, resentful woman the As have made me into. I'm 26 years old.. i shouldn't feel like a bitter old woman. I'm just not sure it will change if I stay with him.


Me: (26) BW
Him: (29) 2 A's before marriage, but didn't find out until after marriage
Married: 7 years
2 children both DS (5 and 2)
R: ?? i'm not sure i ever can and it's been 7 years.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Texas
both sides
Member
Member # 26506
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, January 31st (Thursday)

Let me throw some things out there, take them or leave them, anyone else is welcome to shoot these full of holes.

It looks like you are really just starting to open this box and deal with it. So in a sense you are in a type of "just found out". You sound like a lot of people in that situation. At this time you are not sure how you want to proceed. The normal advice here is to not make any quick decisions regarding the future of your M. I would definitely look at IC for you. To talk it out may give you a chance to look at what is the best path for healing.

The fact that your H has had issues after your M says he should do work also. He needs to address what made him act out when you left.

I will finish with this, this can be a deal breaker, that is the way life works sometimes, but you've been together 7 years and 2 kids. Was there something there that carried you this far? Is that worth saving? Only you can answer that, but you need to address it. You are too young to be bitter.

Best,


Me- BS/WS- 55
Her- WS/BS- 53
M- 34 years and counting
In R
Revow- 7/10- OK, we didn't wait! So glad we did! My Wife is my ROCK!
Our love is strong! Strong enough!

Posts: 140 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Oklahoma
hurting7897
Member
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, February 1st (Friday)

((Itssohard)) you asked, "is the A worse or the 22 years of lying?" I ask myself this question. I had 16 years of lying, on top of 2 years of new mulitiple A's and lying. But the first one seems to hurt the most. I have to say the lying. Because 16 years of pretending he was faithful kills me to my core. It has tarnished 16 years of memories. I look back at what I thought were very happy years with our babies and think of everything differently now.

If he'd had the courage to tell me the next day, or at least f**ing TELL me instead of letting fate decide it for me by his carelessness (he didn't delete everything; he left his FB page open and there was all the evidence) finding out 16 years later we'd have had such a better M. It makes R so much harder and trust so much harder to earn back, don't you agree?

First of all, I'd probably have stayed with him, but I would've made him get into IC and I'd have had the truth. He misled me into thinking he was someone he was not for 16 years, and, lo and behold, because he never dealt with what he did, he was destined to repeat it. (read my profile).

Hugs to you my friend.

[This message edited by hurting7897 at 9:37 AM, February 1st (Friday)]


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
Smittygds
Member
Member # 38132
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, February 1st (Friday)

I get so caught up in the feelings of worthlessness and anger and resentment. How could my wife and mother of our four children (I think), have an A for 14 years and I just found out December 28th, 2012? It was over for at least 5 years when I found out. She didn't tell me herself. I literally stumbled on the letters and then the years of phone contact. I really have no idea how far her lies went. If you do that with one guy, what do you do after the first A ends and there was no reconciliation or real closure? My guess would be multiple A's in the years following. I may never know and I'm not sure I want to know but they say when you choose R, you don't D because of the A. You D because of what caused the A and the feeling you are not getting enough truth from the WW. We had really great S


BS 54 Male
WS 46 Female
DDay 12/28/2012
LTA from 1993-January 2007 (14 years)

In relationship since Feb 1984
Married July 15, 1997

4 kids, 16YOD, 15YOS, 11YOT boys.

[This message edited by Smittygds at 9:06 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Las Vegas
Smittygds
Member
Member # 38132
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, February 1st (Friday)

I get so caught up in the feelings of worthlessness and anger and resentment. How could my wife and mother of our four children (I think), have an A for 14 years and I just found out December 28th, 2012? It was over for at least 5 years when I found out. She didn't tell me herself. I literally stumbled on the letters and then the years of phone contact. I really have no idea how far her lies went. If you do that with one guy, what do you do after the first A ends and there was no reconciliation or real closure? My guess would be multiple A's in the years following. I may never know and I'm not sure I want to know but they say when you choose R, you don't D because of the A. You D because of what caused the A and the feeling you are not getting enough truth from the WW. We had really great sex the 1st month. Every single day! They say that's a form of both parties re-affirming their relationship. Now, I don't want to touch her because she TT's and blameshifts or simply will not talk or address the simplest question. Not nearly enough MC or IC. Seeing 3 different Therapists and it's not enough. My heart goes out to anyone who goes through this hell and is trying to reclaim their stolen lives.


BS 54 Male
WS 46 Female
DDay 12/28/2012
LTA from 1993-January 2007 (14 years)

In relationship since Feb 1984
Married July 15, 1997

4 kids, 16YOD, 15YOS, 11YOT boys.

[This message edited by Smittygds at 9:06 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Las Vegas
Itstoohard
Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, February 1st (Friday)

And hugs to you hurting. I can't imagine how it must have felt to discover his betrayal like that. Even tho my FWH denied for years I always believed...when I wasn't in denial.
I have said the same thing ..if only he would have told me right after. We were even in MC...she should have told him he needed to tell me.
Thru the M (afterp A) I would feel we should/could be so much better.
My FWH said he never told me because he thought I would leave. I honestly don't know what I would have done. Maybe he wouldn't have become the great H that he is now. IDK. Of course,then I would have known a whole lot more and understood better just how he got to a place where he felt it was ok to cheat.
I do know that has great as he can be I still am on this roller coaster as I still get angry when I think if all the wasted years.
What I have learned on here is that time does work wonders. So I try to stay focused on that.
I'm here for you Hurting.


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
Smittygds
Member
Member # 38132
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)

I will copy and paste my story here for those it may help but I was so rocked by thiscA, what, having been in a relationship since 1984, she started a PA in 1993 (she tells me over me not committing) , continued the A until it literally had no steam left in it and ened in 2007! All a big elaborate deception.

We had a child on March 15, 1996. We were married on July 7, 1997 while she was pregnant with our son who was born November 22, 1997. The A continued through this. She says it was a short PA and became an EA after she became pregnant with our daughter. I do not want to get paternity tests, I raised four great kids while in the dark about her A. We had twin boys October 4, 2001. Moved from LA to Las Vegas to raise the kids close to both our family members.

I left two successful restaurants and a very decent "working actor" career in LA. I was all about my marriage and kids and gave up ALL my dreams to do so.

I bought her a huge ring and asked her to marry me again on the beach in California about six months ago.
This was before I found out about the A on December 28, 2012.

Why did she do this? How could she do this? She had opportunities to end the A time and time again! Why 14 years of deception? How does she sleep at night?

Anyway, I told her the marriage vows she spoke were meaningless and the offer to remarry still stands but not until I feel she/we are 100% MC'd and IC'd to death!

I chose to forgive her rather than persecute her. What's done is done but I an entitled to know what I am forgiving. Thus us going to be a long road but I cannot betray my kids. I still love my wife but some days my emotions run all over the place. Knowing that others have and are suffering like me, are a huge help to me. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. I accept the challenge because I know I was a better person than her or her (OM or AP?)
I hope we make it.


BS 54 Male
WS 46 Female
DDay 12/28/2012
LTA from 1993-January 2007 (14 years)

In relationship since Feb 1984
Married July 15, 1997

4 kids, 16YOD, 15YOS, 11YOT boys.

[This message edited by Smittygds at 9:06 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Las Vegas
Smittygds
Member
Member # 38132
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)

HERE IS THE ORIGINAL DDAY POST:

I had a great Xmas with my wife and kids. We've been married since July 15, 1997 but have been in a relationship since April, 1984. I had recently given her a huge ring and asked her to renew our vows and recommit to each other. It was an emotional and very tearful night.
On December 28, 2012, I found love letters and went on to find phone records which showed over 14 years of a very clandestine affair and my world came crashing down all around me. I have since been going through the most difficult range of emotions you can imagine.
She has admitted to having sex at least 6 times but I'm sure there was more but at some point that doesn't matter. IT JUST HURTS SO BAD! Tomorrow we are going to see a crisis counselor. I've already made the mistake of blaming me and forgiving her. She claims she hasn't spoken to him or had contact since early 2007. I can't prove otherwise. I love my wife very much. We have a long history. I want to survive this without separating or divorcing.
BS 54
WS 46
DDay 12/28/2012
LTA from 1993-January 2007 (14 years)

In relationship since Feb 1984
Married July 15, 1997

4 kids, 16YOD, 15YOS, 11YOT boys.


BS 54 Male
WS 46 Female
DDay 12/28/2012
LTA from 1993-January 2007 (14 years)

In relationship since Feb 1984
Married July 15, 1997

4 kids, 16YOD, 15YOS, 11YOT boys.

[This message edited by Smittygds at 9:06 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Las Vegas
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 4:13 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)

((Smitty))

I feel your pain...I really do! So glad you came to SI for support.

I usually hop on here in the morning. I will check in with you to see how you are doing.

Stay strong! I am going through exactly what you are now and I know how bad the pain feels!


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
Smittygds
Member
Member # 38132
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)

Thanks TarnishedSilver. Today we had one MC session and we each had one IC. Not sure there was much progress so far because before we got home, I asked a simple question and as usual, she TT'd me to death and then made it about my anger after she blame shifted. THIS SHIT IS GOING TO BE A LONG HARD SLOG LIKE THE IRAQI WAR. She was on the phone paying a bill and when they asked if she was Mrs Smith, she made sure I heard her say "yeah, but not for long"........THAT REALLY HURT!! I called my lawyer and asked for a referral to a divorce lawyer. I grabbed the box of love letters and phone records and recordings and she actually became physically violent with me to keep me from putting them in the car and shit got wayyyy out of control.ni actually started laughing at her fighting me and beating on me to keep that box out of the car. I'm not sure where the laughing came from but I think it was from not having seen that kind of passion and emotion from her in almost 30 years. Anyway.....thought I'd share today's experience.


BS 54 Male
WS 46 Female
DDay 12/28/2012
LTA from 1993-January 2007 (14 years)

In relationship since Feb 1984
Married July 15, 1997

4 kids, 16YOD, 15YOS, 11YOT boys.

[This message edited by Smittygds at 9:06 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Las Vegas
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

This is for me. FWH affair was in2003, I learned about it in MC in2010. I think I have done most of this wrong. I know where we were at this time. I was DX'd with MS the year before. No excuse, just a fact. We are doing better, at least most of the time. I just am having a hard time with who is or was this man? Does anyone else feel like screaming at the top of the world. My H is not the honorable, honest, caring, or trustworthy person you all think he is? How does anyone get past the lies for so many years? I read about M that have become better. I am afraid finding out years later is harder to rebuild. I never believe a word he says and not sure I ever will.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Lisa2You
New Member
Member # 39764
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Met 1981
Married 1983
Affair 1993-1994
I found out 2000
...and the pretending began.

Divorce 2013

We've finally decided to divorce. Finding out about an affair is terrible at any time, but finding out when it is already over (and lasted a year!), does something very insidious. It takes away your ability to look back and try to figure things out, put the pieces together. It paints every memory between the affair and finding out. I lost all trust and respect for him. And that all came out last night when I told him that I believe the kids need to know about the affair. They are adults but we live in a small town and I know some of the connections that could find them learning about it from someone else (as I did!). You know what his response was? He said it's nobody's business, including our kids and that he'll take his chances on them finding out somewhere else. Well, this mild-mannered lady lost it! I told him that was bullshit and that it was the most selfish thing I'd ever heard in my life!

You see, I found out from a mentally ill relative. My h hadn't told me because he didn't think it was my "business." He thought it was between "him and God"! Well, what the hell does that mean? It means he's selfish.

So anyway, all I know is that the affair hurt. The years of living a lie hurt as much, and probably more than that. It robbed me of something I can't quite define. And that robbing continues.

Time to rebuild and reclaim! ~L


He had a long-term affair. I found out 5-years after. We're divorcing after 30 years of marriage (10 of them happy ones). I'm just trying to find my way.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013
Camalus
Member
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Have any of you discovered an affair 10 or more years in the past and not confronted your spouse with their indiscretions?

My WW had a three to four year long affair 14 years ago. I found out a few weeks ago and have not confronted her(YET).

Some friends are suggesting I calm down and let sleeping dogs lie. I don't know if I can do that.

Me–BS age 60
Her -- WS age 58
Married for 33 years
One child, 30yrs old
Status –sick at heart


Me–BS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I found out 18 years later that my prince charming what not real!
He had been living a lie for the past 30 years, when he started cheating.

I am glad I know and it has made me a stronger person!


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
1ost0ne
Member
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

tirednconfused,

IMO you shouldn't let sleeping dogs lie. Hiding her lie to yourself will crush you and the remainder of your marriage will be your dishonesty to her.

BTW, thanks to all of the previous posters. This is a great thread that is hard to find. I caught my wife in a lie that she'd kept from me for the last 15 years. It's only been three weeks so I haven't had much time to sort all of this out for myself. Our second MC is tonight.

Reflecting back over the past 15 years since her 1 year affair, I really think this kept her from being truly committed and hurt the marriage considerably.


“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 84 | Registered: Aug 2013
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

It's been three years since I found about my H's A. I still don't know everything and I pushed most things into the back of my head. He said something that opened the door to my memories. Now as I think and remember stuff that was said i realize I didn't get the whole truth. I am putting pieces together and coming up with a very different version of events. He has contadicted his answers to various questions and now I feelo like I'm back to square one and am asking myself now what???


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
morethantrying
Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

It's hard isn't it...and for me he doens't exactly remember the dates and things of the affairs...but maybe that is good because then they meant so little to him...for me still fresh (found out 10 mohts ago) and he is remorseful and trying hard...so am I....love is hard...but have 31 yrs of marriage....


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 283 | Registered: Sep 2013
Itstoohard
Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

(Morethantrying)
Welcome. Sorry you are here.Not too many of us here in the found out later.
After more than 20 years my H finally told me what I had suspected.
How did you find out?


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

(morethantrying)

It is hard. I don't know but I think finding our years later is worse than finding out during or very shortly after. I feel I was robbed of choices I could've made. I also don't trust my instincts because of the years he lied to me about my questions and almost had me convinced I was completely crazy.

Those of us who found out years later go through the same things as those who found out sooner but we have many extra issues to work on.

Glad to hear you are working on things. It is so hard when you have been M for so many years.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
mellie99
Member
Member # 39712
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I found out about the 1st ONS about 4 years after the fact; it happened during our engagement. I don't think I ever really dealt with it because my WH told me while he was away for military training and I was on my lunch break at work so I couldn't exactly have a meltdown. Not seeing him for a few weeks made it easier to stuff away the feelings, plus because it happened so many years prior it was easier to 'forgive and forget', or so I thought. However, had I known this when it happened I don't think I would have married him, and I'm pretty sure he knew this hence why he kept it from me. However, to this day I question the timing of his confession...part of me thinks something else may have happened that he was feeling guilty about.


Me: BW (32)
Him: WS (31)-Multiple ONS
Married: 1/3/05 Together since 5/2002
D-Day #1-3/2009 (4 years after the fact)
D-Day #2 3/2013(he confessed to 3 more ONS, 1 the month I found out I was pregnant)

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
sadgirlinboulder
New Member
Member # 40735
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I found out 2 months ago that my H had a 6 and 1/2 y affair with 1 woman. They both say it was over years ago, although they were emailing each other 2 months ago. They met in 2002 and fucked and corresponded until 8/13. I have pulled my hair out, drank everything in the house and slept about 7 hours in the last 2 months trying to piece together the timeline of my marriage as it related to their affair. It is difficult to get records further back than 2006ish, but that hasn't kept me from trying. This sucks.


Me=BS-age 52
HWS=age 53
1 daughter 16 yo
OW-married mother of 4
D-Day-7/31/13- 6-11 y affair-we have been married 18 y

Posts: 11 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: boulder, co
roses303
Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I'm dealing with both an old and new affair with the same woman. The yr long affair that ended on dday is almost easier to deal with. He remembers more details. I can look at my history in relation to it. It is raw and painful but I am finding tools to process.

On the other hand the year long affair from 7 years ago cuts me to the core because I can't fit it into what I thought reality was. I can't place it, I can't see when and how it happened. It infuriates me that it happened and I did not know because it colored all the time after it. My reality is totally skewed. And if I had known my situation now would be different. I was younger then. I was only a SAHM for a few years so I could have easily jumped back into the workforce. I had more choices. Now my choices are fewer. It makes things so much more difficult to find out later.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
Daysie
Member
Member # 38873
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Hi everyone,

I totally get it !!!!!

Read my story - this all sucks

I know I will never get over it


Me BS 56
Him WH 56
M 36yrs
A 32yrs ago with my then BF
DD 1 / DS 1
Who is this man ??????


Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Where is your story?


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

OMG, I would never have guessed this happened to other people too. I have know for 2 1/2 years now, but over the 2 1/2 years there has been TT and a lot of I don't remember. I am accepting that because he also apparently doesn't remember he births of our children either. Anyway, long story shortened, A 's began at 2 1/2 yrs married. Was trying to make it happen but the girl didn't fall for it. Then went off to different city for mil training and met a girl who did go for it. So STA there, returns home we move to new assignment and he starts another affair within a yr. He leaves kids and I for a weekend away from the crazy wife who is ruining his life with her questions and paranoia and sickening jealousy. Goes to the nicest local hotel calls girlfriend and gets to have a weekend with her blamed on me and my insecure crazy personality. He comes back home Monday night without a word of explanation, gets in my bed and acts as if he was never gone. Fast forward 30 years, he seems to be obsessing about a new young co worker, talking about her everyday, laughing to hi self new hen asked says he was just thinking about .......her. Then he starts emailing jokes after work to her, she jokes back so they are sort of chatting. I find the email and tell him I am very uncomfortable with where this seems to be headed. He flies off the handle, absolutely enraged that I would even think he would do anything inappropriate, he tells me I am crazy and trying to control his every thought. I backed down, same stuff going on only now going to work early and late coming home. I was in a panic, couldn't eat or sleep. Lost 70 # in her 6 months working there.
He praises my weight loss as if I were dieting. We fought off and on through it and then one day sits down and tells me I need to tell you I had a ONS 25 years ago, but never have done anything else wrong, can you forgive me, I am telling you so believe me that I am not doing anything wrong. I of course did and feel relieved http maybe I really did misunderstand the whole motel weekend thing. Since then have found out about to e first A attempt, A when he joined the service, and much more about second affair but it has taken almost 3 yrs, this past week still heard more, and I on my own learned how to find stuff on the computer and found out hehad a pretty active sex life all by himself. So he says to me I didn't think that was wrong and thought it was Better than "cheating".
I have better days and worse, married almost 35 years but not sure if any of it was real or lies. He seems to have different ideas on right and wrong, feels lots of shame and guilt, short on compassion and insight and will only reluctantly talk to me, has read the first couple of chapters of several books I asked him to read, went to 2 counseling sessions, and a Retrouville weekend but promptly didn't do any of the follow up. Now says , gee I wish you would just get over it, let bygones be bygones, and turn back into the loving person you used to be. One child knew of the 2A asked me about it, get this because WH took th kids on some of his outings with her! I did contact that AP, she was stunned, but then somewhat helpful with putting a few more pieces together. I also think her story was a little soft on her side, she was young ( slightly older than me), she was naive ( married and divorced once at the time) etc. all in all though I am glad I called because that is what prompted the opening up from WH.
Still struggling to put it together.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Oldernotwiser,

My fwh also was in the military and boy can they keep a secret. Mine kept his for 7 years. He confessed in MC. Even the MC couldn't and still doesn't understand why after all this time he confessed. I had moved out and had no intentions of ever going back. WHen he confessed he had real tears and seemed to be hurting. You know he was HUMAN not a freaking military 4.0 prick.

I have to think that the memories I have are real. I don't know about his. The things that happened after his A and before I found out. Well that is a different story. Taht secret was there between us and yes I also was crzy, too much time on my hands, and watched to much lietime movies. He calls it the manhater channel. Guess what I wasn't crazy and neither were you. If you have gut feelings something is going on now. Do what you can to find out if you are right. I know if I feel that way again I will not accept his answers. I have to find the proof one way or another.

I lik how you put he had sex by himself. In many ways I feel that is worse than with another person. Maybe sex is different for men than women but I like sharing that part of my life as much as other aspects. Mine also had that problem. I have drawn the line in the sand- NO Porn and NO TYPE OF A.

BTW it sounds like your H is getting into an EA. Stop that in its tracks.. Tell him no outside contact with the joker and no alone contact at work. I guess I would also be uncomfortavble with that. No I would be downright pissed at him for being so stupid. Sorry- that's just me if it was my H>


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Same here! Military deployments, but it actually started in college.
Most were when he was gone but one was when he was home and I think that hurts he worst.
He confessed 18 years after the last A.
He is a better man now but the pain is still there. All the years he lied to me is so hard to take.


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

I agree. It is so hard to wrap honorable and trustworthy to a WS. My H's job involved secrets some days I wonder if that made it easier to keep other ones. Military memebers are great at compartmilization(sp). I soemtimes wish I could lock things away in a bix in the back of my head.

Even our MC said my H was a good man. She said he just did something really stupid. I don't know about you but it's almost harder to comprehend how tthey betrayed their own values and morals and lived with it.

Doesn't it seem weird that tfor whatever reason they had A but never again?


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Daysie
Member
Member # 38873
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Hi - sorry for jumping in here but it's not often that there is a post to this thread.

I found out in February that my WH had an affair 32yrs ago with my then BF.

All these years they have hidden their secret and I can't understand how they were able to sleep at night

My WH has always told me that there has never been anyone since we married - what a lying croc he was.

I just feel now that all our memories have been blown apart

It makes me angry now when I think back over the years and note how he didn't like me going places without him. All the while he kept their dirty little secret


Me BS 56
Him WH 56
M 36yrs
A 32yrs ago with my then BF
DD 1 / DS 1
Who is this man ??????


Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
hopeful2013
New Member
Member # 40995
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

I found out 2 years later. He keeps saying it is in the past, but he does also say that he knows for me it is fresh. It was a PA that lasted at least several months but prior he had an EA with her for years. I am sure there were prior EA's as well with other women, but he was careful to never get sexual. He says the reason he "let this one progress" was because he knew she was leaving (moving out of state). Otherwise, he says, he would have never taken on this problem with all of the possible baggage (she too was married with a child).

I also get a lot of I don't remembers. Part of it is him not trying to upset me, part of it is him not wanting to feel guilty/think about it, but part of it is that he truly doesn't remember/doesn't want to remember.

I actually consider myself lucky that although I suspected it at the time (he kept saying they were just friends, that she was married, and that she was leaving, as though any of those precluded an A), I never found evidence in black and white. I know she has moved and they no longer are in contact, since he showed me a text from her recently where she indicated she has found happiness without him. He never replied. I know I would have been beside myself if she were still around, always wondering if it were really over.

Me BS 41
Him WS 46
1S 8, 1D 6
Married 11 years
together 19 years
D day 8/8/13


Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

My fwh also was in the military and boy can they keep a secret.

Tell me about it! I found out almost 6 years after the last A, but the A's lasted for 5 years. So 11 years of my life (our entire M) he was lying to me. He was military, cheated with 16 prostitutes when deployed at various times in Thailand.

The last A was right after he got out, with a slutty girl he worked with. She had also just gotten out of the AF, although her H was still active duty.

Finding out so late really makes you question your entire relationship.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1116 | Registered: Jul 2012
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

I am not happy I am on SI but it does feel good to know there are other people out there in my situation.

Another thing that I find very difficult is for month following the 2nd dday fwh would say....don't you see how I have changed? Yes, he stopped drinking and hanging out with people that would influence him, but he was always caring, loving, supportive, respectful. So I thought. I would have never believed if someone had told me he did what he did.


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Tarnished Silver- I read in Dr. Shirley Glasses book that (paraphrasing) many times when a spouse cheats several of their friends had or were cheating. This was so true of my H. Many were open about it and many kept it under wraps except to their "friends". It makes me happy to know he gave up those friends. They were bad influences. My H now has a new set of friends and they are friends of the M. I sometimes think peer pressure is harder on some people than others to resist. I think schools just teach -"Just say NO" to more than drugs.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

You are so right! He stopped hanging out with those friends the deployment after our son was born. I even contacted a couple of his friends and they all said the same thing. He didn't go out and party with them. Just kept to himself and worked and would just have dinner with them.
My fwh had not been in contact with these friends for over 18 years so they had no idea.
Some of his friends during the time of his cheating I did talk to and asked how could you condone that behavior. They said we were all stupid and young
The one said one of his friends, that didn't cheat was disappointed in him but never said anyhing, this guy has been a good friend of my fwh now for over 20 years but lives in another state and he doesn't see him.
When I told fwh that this friend m we and was disappointed fwh was really upset. He called his friend and apologied to him for disappointing him while they were stationed together. I was there when he called him. I thought that was a brave thing to do.


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Tarnished Silver-

I am being nosey. Was he in the Navy? Mine was. I also know statiscally Navy has the had the highest D rate amongst all the branches. Lifestyle I think. The deploy and go over seas on ship and do port calls. If you never been you can't believe the women waiting for them. Many want an American husband so they can leave where they are. My H had a Spanish stalker. She even did the I'm pregnant. He did the I'll take care of the baby but I am not marrying you. Guess what-nobaby. This happened befor I met him, but she was still stalking him.

You're right. What he did took courage and you should be proud of him.

Don't you still want to wring his neck for being so stupid? I hope you can get past the pain and have a better M. We will not have the M we wanted- our H cheated and that is always somethingwe will know. I do feel it can be better because they also want it to be and now we have something we didn't for years. All the pieces and answers to our instincts. We if we want can have a M both us and or WS's want.
How far out are you?


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

1st day day was in feb 2011. That is when he confessed that the infidelity started in 1984 and ended in 1994.
We were doing good in "R" until dday #2 which was January 2012.
He asked out teenage daughter to add some Christmas pictures on his Facebook because he never used it and she said...dad you need to update. So needless to say when she went to add pictures he had a message from a female he was stationed with (we were married just a couple years) saying lets have a reunion and such.
I asked fwh point blank, I will never forget that day...I said did you have sex with ***** and he looked me straight in the eyes and said...are you kidding, no way.

So I messages her back pretending to be fwh saying I can't believe you remember me and such. She responded back minutes later saying how could I forget my special friend and I wink smile.

At that point I knew. So I asked him one more time. And he confessed.

He started IC right after that and has been going ever since. I sent her a final message because I didn't want her to think he gave her the time of day. And we never heard from her since, he also told our daughter to delete his Facebook.
He was in the navy.
That dday and affair hurts the most because it was done while he was home, right under my nose, so to speak.

She was a big time partier, single mom, and she did everything she could at work, outside of work to get him. Makes me want to vomit.

Yes, he was in the navy. We were young when we married and he had a lot of growing up to do. He drank a lot and I didn't so be spent a lot of time with friends drinking without me and that is how that A started.


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, October 18th (Friday)

It is horrible to fit in so well with the group but so good to find out that what I struggle to overcome isn't unique and hurting about something that is so long ago is common to us. I hate to hear "just forget about all that, I'm not that person anymore, you need to start living in the present instead of wallowing in the past" I literally can feel myself getting heated when he says that. I just don't know if anything I thought was true at all. When we talked last a little more info was offered, so I asked if he wanted to tell me ANYTHING else, I said you have told me about either what I knew or what I suspected. I told him I am sure I am not that smart or in tune that I knew every time you were up to something. He said never did anything I didn't know about, even told me he probably was pretty dumb about the hiding, lying & such. And then assured me I was really smart and good at noticing things. I m thinking there is more, but can't figure it out because he won't talk. How do the rest of you keep from bringing it up?


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
Itstoohard
Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, October 18th (Friday)

Welcome Oldernotwiser. It is good to have this,tho apparently fewer of us here than other threads. Wonder what that means. Are our H worst than theirs becuz they lied for oh so many years? Becuz they couldn't own up sooner? Changes your whole past.
(Hugs)


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, October 18th (Friday)

Do you all ever feel just plain stupid? I think sometimes could I really be so dumb that I could be fooled for 30 years. Then I think how I must seem to WH, doormat, pushover. He exhibits little gratitude that he still has a wife after his actions, he can't understand why I have trouble believing him! Sometimes even when he is nice I start wondering is this true, what now? A mess for sure. Anyone else ever confront an unknown AP? Was it helpful or hurtful? I ended conversations with her as I was getting some mixed stories and felt I was maybe getting played. Have wondered about her child with her last name whose father returned to his wife and never knew about the child? Kind of scary.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, October 18th (Friday)

Do you all ever feel just plain stupid? I think sometimes could I really be so dumb that I could be fooled for 30 years. Then I think how I must seem to WH, doormat, pushover. He exhibits little gratitude that he still has a wife after his actions, he can't understand why I have trouble believing him! Sometimes even when he is nice I start wondering is this true, what now? A mess for sure. Anyone else ever confront an unknown AP? Was it helpful or hurtful? I ended conversations with her as I was getting some mixed stories and felt I was maybe getting played. Have wondered about her child with her last name whose father returned to his wife and never knew about the child? Kind of scary.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

Older-
I used to feel really stupid. I would spend hours trying to think back 25 years and put the puzzle together.

All but one of my fwh infidelities happened while he was on military deployments and 3 of them happened before we got married and he was stationed and I didn't see him until we got married 15 months later.

Believe it or not I could understand all 3. They happened within a 15 month period. He said most of his off time he was drunk. Thank God he didn't get one of them pregnant. It was a pretty secluded base far from anything so all they did was party.
Came home got married and we moved to his next duty station. He continued to drink heavy with his friends and I would stay home or be working.
This A is the hardest because I was there, what he has told me I think how did I miss the warning signs or was I just so young and in love??
Looking back I do see some signs. We did get separated at 2 years married, he came to me and said it is not that I don't love you, I just don't want to be married. I never thought it was another woman, he says it wasn't because of her it was the party life style and she was just a small part of it. Maybe it was him trying to do the right thing. Don't know.
We got back together after 3 months and things couldn't have been better, so to find out that 5 months after we got back together he went on a 21 day deployment, she was there working as well and they had sex.
I bring that up most often. How could he try so darn hard to get me back to just do it again?
That is where I must have been so stupid comes from for me!! And the hurt part. He couldn't last 21 days.


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, October 19th (Saturday)

Dallas, thanks for the advise about potential EA, I did put a stop to it but what is hard is that I had 3 different people & times when someone "warned" me from his job that he was getting involved. He denies it to this day, what I saw, what the others saw & we r all crazy. He isn't. I feel like he thinks I am so dumb, the closest he has come to admitting was during one argument when he said" I've thought about this and I think it looked like it did because I was obsessing about my job, but never about her"
I wonder if any if you have trouble hearing nice things now from WH after beaming played for a fool for so long. If he says something about my body, I think- plz I am 54, everything isn't even where it should be much less beautiful. I know he is trying which he sure didn't do for me when I was 20+, those compliments got other girls he didn't waste them on me. Just seems to make me uncomfortable because it comes now. I think I'd rather hear truth about his affairs then that.
BTW Hopefull2013, my WH also chose times or partners where he could see an ending through orders or the training ending, or job changes. I guess that was his MO. It would've be to hard for him to put on the intense interest & niceness to keep it going longer. The last "fling" into EA was the longest at about 5 months.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

Oldernotwiser-

Just read your last line about Ws having an AP that he knew it wouldn't last. Boy did that hit me like a ton of bricks. My H's A was while I had already moved to our new location. she wasn't going anywhere. I think my needing to return to sell our house helped it end sooner than later.

Do you all get told they thought they were protecting you by not telling you? Mine did and I really think it is more about self preservation than the BS.

I think it's hard when you find our years later but I think being that the WS was military makes it harder. At least for me it does. I was so proud of all he did in the service and how he handled himself with many difficult situations and then I found out his secret. It is so hard to respect him after I know what he did.

hopeful2013- I also got a lot of don't remembers. I think being a women we remember different details thatn a man would. Sorry for the sexist remark but that's my opinion. I finally began to be glad he doesn't remember(I hope he is telling me the truth), she wasn't that important to him.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Hi Dallas, We actually talked about that very thing last night, my H never did end his affairs, he actually opened a PO box with the 2nd AP because he didn't want her to realize what he was doing & thought she wouldn't get him in trouble if he led her on a while longer after she moved. BTW, she told me, he said, "O yes, I did that,I had forgot " when I confronted him. He still claims he was "protecting" me.
He didn't want to ruin the marriage! I am struggling with the question of do you give another chance, & another...
He told me he thinks it should be easier finding out so much after, that way you can leave it in the past. He says he never thought how I felt or dealt with his walking out on me, just figured I understood him & would always be there no mater what stupid thing he did. Also follows that with- I was feeling mad & frustrated that you wanted help w/ house, kids and I didn't want you telling me what to do. He did not talk to me but, did tell AP ALL about how awful I was. After that one I asked him if he did that, he said yes because I wanted her to feel sorry that I was so mistreated and then she would get into the affair. Later she said she realized & felt bad she participated.
Thinking about recovery, can you recover alone & stay in the marriage? He thinks the recovery stuff is BS, you just make up your mind and it is fixed. Thoughts????last night I read him the piece on helping your BS recover


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
doubleboggy
Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, October 21st (Monday)

I hate to hear "just forget about all that, I'm not that person anymore, you need to start living in the present instead of wallowing in the past" I literally can feel myself getting heated when he says that. I just don't know if anything I thought was true at all.

^^^This...I could have wrote word for word. I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way. WW doesn't understand why everything for the last 20 years is in doubt. She also can't see why I have trouble trusting her. IDK, 20 years of lies!


D Day: 3/31/13

Posts: 100 | Registered: Sep 2013
flup
Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

"just forget about all that, I'm not that person anymore, you need to start living in the present instead of wallowing in the past"

I got that from fWW also... "I'm not 'wallowing', I'm trying to understand the X years of my life that I thought I understood." Maybe she thinks that she's changed, but I have yet to see evidence to contradict the possibility of that.

Saying you've "changed" doesn't make the BS feel any safer. Time will tell.


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 428 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Time will tell. I did see a change after our son was born, fwh stopped drinking. But it has only been since he started IC that a process in changing communication skills has started. Fwh is working hard on communication, emotional connection and understanding the pain his actions has caused.

I feel he is moving in the right direction.


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Oldernotwiser-

I am glad to hear your FWH is actually talking at all. For me it was and sometimes still is like pulling teeth. I just love how they protected us. With that type of protection, who needs to be attacked. My FWH also said he was protecting me. From what??? To be honest I think they were, mind you in that twisted mind they had. Think about the pain you are suffering now. As I said a poster here had said for her the memories were real and she wasn't going to let him ruin them for her. I agree with her. Once you know about an A everything changes. your point of view of you WS,(this is hard for them) yourself, and what you want fromn your M. I know I will never accept what I had before and both of us are trying to make it better and it is.

I also think self preservation is a big reason they don't tell us and I have read many WS's die with the secret. My FWH did not want to D when he actully logically thought about and he knew it would've happened so fast and furious. No question about it. Seven years later life had changes a lot for us and I wasn't quite so hasty. Actually I was I filed but after a year I withdrew the petition.

I also get upset when I think about himtelling his AP(skank) all our troubles and issues. What is worse he told her he wasn't worried about me or what would happen to me. They call this crap the "FOG". Do not let him blame you for his choosing to have an A. He has to accept 100% of the responsibility. When he does it will help you both. My FWH said it was because we were drifting apart. DUH- you were cheating and keeping secrets!!!

I do believe in recovery and a better M or I would not be here. It is hard work but it can and does happen. We are in a better place and are more in tune with each other than we have been in a long time.

He needs to get over the BS recovery. Ask him how he would feel if it had been you. Mine couldn't even handle the thought of it. In the healing library are many good articles to read for both of you. How did he do with the piece of him helping you? I think many WS just want o put it past them and move on. I hate to say it doesn't work that way. We went to counseling and I got books, tried to get him to read and IC. Basically he admitted to it, said he was sorry and would never do it again. Our MC gave me bum advice on this. She said it was in the past and I needed to let it go. DON'T LET IT GO until you are ready!!!! I apparently didn't have all the answers I needed and I rugswept. He said something that opened it all up again and we then got throught the rest of his shit. Tell him what you need from him. I wanted my FWH to read a book and set it by his side of the bed. It didn't get read and I got angry. He said he didn't know I wanted him to read it. If something is bothering you ask or tell him. Don't let it fester. I'm a real good stewer and then I explode. Not good for either of you.

If you are ready(when) tell him you are glad he stayed. I told my H finally I was angry at what he did but am glad he stayed. It took me three years before I could say it and mean it. We are doing really good I am at the point I am actually looking foward to see what is next.
You can do it!!!


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
traditoperanni
Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I have not posted here yet. I just didn't know which one to do first. I could reply to LTA thread or, Multiple A's, or,
spouse is a SA, etc. My wh has done it all. My story is long so I will try and make it as short and to the point. It wasl 4 years this Nov. that my life shattered. I found out that my wh was seeing escorts, etc and also having A's with different ow for what I thought was the last ten years. I found out that one of these ow was someone he is working with now but had a 4 month A with her in the late 1980s. They still work together but their are "just good friends" I found this out 4 years ago. I know her, I have had her to my house, for holidays etc. Needless to say I am having a real hard time with this. For them it is over and has been for 25 years. My wh has said it was like it never happened to him. But to me - it's like it happened yesterday. And now, I 'm trying to piece together what the hell was going on back then that I did not notice.
But that's not the worst of it.
Last year after a 2nd attempt at R (1st was a false R ) and working with WH's SA therapist and MC I was told that there
was another OW. I knew somewhat about this ow. I had found recent emails to each other and I was guessing that this A was maybe 7 years long. During a MC session I was told that this OW has been around since 1975.
1975! We were only married for a few years then. She, of course,a t that time, wanted him to D me and be with h er and he honestly said he entertained the idea for a short time but then realized that he loved me and she was a nut case.
Did he let the nut case go? NO -they saw each other off and on for the next 37 years. It was only for sex-he says.
Really? I can not get my head around this. I can read all the books about implusive and complusive behavior and sex addiction and I still can not understand how you can do this.
I keep hearing from our MC that my wh has expressed many times in his sessions that he loved me and never loved any of these ow. Maybe he loved me but he did not LOVE ME ENOUGH to stop this. And that's what hurts. He also told me that he could have told me it was only a few years and not 37 yrs and I wouldn't have known. Like I should give him a medal for his honesty.
There have been other ow that have come and gone over the years and I THINK i have been told of all of them but this
one I can't deal with.
Everytime I think back to my life there is a shadow over it. Every memory is now flawed with" what was really going on"?
I don't think I can ever forgive him for this. He is in intense therapy for the sex addiction (I don't like to call it that, because I really don't believe in it) I believe in his being a fractured human being. I believe that , yes, he suffers from
impulsive and compulsive behavior but for 37 years? This is a hard one to sell me, that's for sure.
He seems to be happier in himself since he has been able to get all this shit off his shoulders. But, now it's on my shoulders. and I resent that.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Trad~

So sorry you have gone through this. I am glad you found SI.
My fwh's infidelity dates back over 30 years as well.
He does feel a weight lifted and feels we have made huge progress. We have, but the pain is still very deep.

I take it a day at a time and focus now and healing myself and becoming a stronger more independent person.

Post as often as needed.


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, October 28th (Monday)

Just wondering if anyopne else feels that finding out years later makes reconciling harder? I also thinkk I read that the length and time laspe of discovery affect the time of recovery. Has anyone else heard that or think that it's true?

If it is true then we wouldn't be healed for another 12 years or more. Again if that's true than I wonder if it isn't a waste of time?


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Trad
Like you I could post on many of the forums here. LTA, spouses of SA, double betrayal, multiple As. By the time I found out all the details some of the As had been over for 25, 20, 14 and 10 years. Of course others were continuing right up until DDay.

Dallas2
I don't know if it's finding out years later that makes it harder for me but rather the fact that his A's were ongoing. If I had found out on DDay that he had cheated on me 25 years previously and that was the end of it, I could probably have got over it. Finding out he cheated a month before our wedding then continued having As until D day 25 years later is killing me. Individually I could have handled any one of them, but all together I just can't seem to get past the betrayal.

Everytime I think back to my life there is a shadow over it. Every memory is now flawed with" what was really going on"?


Me-BW 49
SAWH 51
Married 27 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS, Porn
In limbo land

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jul 2011
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Dallas-
Yes, I did say we talk but maybe I should clarify, I talk, he steams! He has said 100's of times that what I am doing is starting an argument, not talking. I have used the I feel start to everything I try to ask or explain. It doesn't matter, within minutes he is exploding and often finishes with telling me I am either parenting him, or judging him making sure he falls short. Just this past weekend I made a decision, I am not going to "talk" about it anymore. It is distressing and I just can't handle being yelled at any longer. I always think of how he says he has changed while he is ranting and raving. I see the same intolerant stubborn and defensive person of 30 years ago. Then I allowed him to do that and beat me down, no more. I am moving on emotionally.
I have heard the line about protecting me so many times, I might have been really dumb back then but even I could see who he was protecting. It feels like he still is with the answers I get.
I know I have been stuck for a long time. I just don't care about trying to talk now, I am not sure we get anywhere, I become almost physically I'll from the attacks on me. There has never been an explaination that didn't have me causing his anger, frustration, which lead to him seeking other women out. Even the apologies end with me being the root cause of his dissatisfaction. He says he could not talk to me but he sure could to the AP. She knew all kinds of stuff I was shocked to find out. BTW her memory was much better than his about what they did together.
The latest thing he revealed was that he realizes now that he didn't end the last affair because he wanted to keep his options open with her. This after 2 years of telling me it ended on a particular weekend and he NEVER had a thought about her after that. TT that just keep wounding me.
Also wanted to say that after reading the advise to betrayer letter he said he thought it was nice but not for everyone. Then can't remember anything in it.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
WoundedOpus
Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Not sure if I actually fit this category...I found out about the A as it was happening, but he claimed it was only an EA. I never believed him but he maintained this lie so well for over 5 years that even I started to question whether that was true. He confessed to it being a PA this past August, I was so devastated. I always held out hope, not so much because it being a PA is so much worse, but I needed so much to believe he wasn't that big of a lier :(

I have a question for all of you though even though I'm sure I know the answer, I just need to hear from people who have actually BTDT before I can feel comfortable with the decision I've made...I need to know that I'm doing this for the right reasons!

I never told the OBS. It has eaten at me every single day, and is my biggest shame. I was so damn messed up at the time of DDay, codependent in an abusive relationship, that I allowed myself to be convinced that keeping quiet was the right thing to do. Now, 6 years out, I am working on myself and questioning all of my previous choices. On my own, and thanks to finding SI a few months back, I believe the best thing is to let him know. I have recently found MCOW through the internet, have seen pictures of her family, and I am ashamed. They have 1 child, a boy that may not have even existed had I told her husband at the time (he is 4).

I want to make this right, be the honest person that I am in every aspect of my life, and this is the only thing that I am a lier about. I am sick that I made a choice, no matter how messed up I was at the time, to be a part of hurting another person. I am sick that essentially, I colluded with the OW and my husband to keep this terrible secret from him, to protect her, my WS and indirectly myself (since they work together this could/can cause my WH to lose his job if the OBS chooses to inform their 2 companies).

No matter what, you'd want to be told right? I believe the answer is yes, I just need to be sure that I'm not doing this for selfish reasons. That my motive isn't purely to get back at them and/or relieve my conscience! I was screwed up, manipulated and selfish to keep it from him then; I only want to be sure that I'm not now telling him for selfish reasons.

Thanks for any insight, this just sucks all the way around

[This message edited by WoundedOpus at 6:20 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
doubleboggy
Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

this just sucks all the way around

It does.


I am sick that essentially, I colluded with the OW and my husband to keep this terrible secret from him, to protect her, my WS and indirectly myself


And there you have your answer. OBS has a right to know. BTW, it's not you doing this to him, it was his WW.


D Day: 3/31/13

Posts: 100 | Registered: Sep 2013
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Wounded, wow that is tricky, I would and have wanted to do the same thing. WH first AP is now married with 4 kids, I read something about her (an interview she did for her university) and she talked about family values and love of God etc.), and I wanted to scream at her what about my family when you were screwing a married man? I said such to WH and he said- people change, she was young, she is entitled to have these views now and her spouse doesn't need to know what she did before. I started to think maybe I just wanted to hurt her now like she hurt me for 30 years. Still, a part of me would like to let her know she did not get away with it and evil me has hoped maybe she has guilt about what she did. And fear her H would ever find out. 6 years out how do you think he will react? Do you think he ever suspected? If he did I think he would want to know, if he was totally in the dark I am not so sure. Good luck what ever you choose to do.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
WoundedOpus
Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Oldernitwiser, I have no idea if her H ever suspected. My H shares so little about the A (read that as practically zero), that I'm really in the dark. I think, he's got to have had some clue something wasn't right. Your wife can't be practically dating another man for many months and there not be something off, some feeling that things just aren't right.

I've read how the affair staying a secret makes it more likely that the warm fuzzier stay alive and also makes it more likely that you'll do it again... If she wouldn't and has changed maybe I'd just cause problems, but maybe she hasn't and having this secret means there's a higher chance she'll cheat again. There is of course the selfish part of me that doesn't want to tell, doesn't want her to become a factor again when it took soooo much work for me to let that go.

Plus, since me being finally ready to slay this A dragon, pulling it out from under the rug and attempting to force my H to face this, he is back to many of his old abusive ways. I admit I've been scared of his reaction should I do this, it's been a huge factor in my silence. We have scheduled a meeting with a counselor, I'm thinking now is the time to do it, when I feel I should have some support in case he goes ape shit. I suppose there's always the chance he never finds out I tell the BH, but I find that unlikely. H and MCOW still talk periodically for work, their relationship isn't strained so I don't doubt she'll call him up once confronted for an explanation and to find out what I know and shared with her H.

Thanks for the replies, getting my info together and will have ready to send after Saturdays counseling. I need to make sure we plan to see her again first, so I don't feel so isolated if things go south!


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Wounded, great move on the MC. Have you thought about bringing the idea up during C? Protection for you that way. My WH really freaked out about me confronting OW, scared me with his reaction. BUT, it was in fact the very thing that finally caused some truth to come out. Not all by any means though. I live with my questions and doubts. I did not confront other OW, his reaction to me wanting to was pretty concerning too. It sounded protective of her to me, he said it was all his fault and apologized to every statement I made. He said "you will make a fool of yourself & I don't want that". So I haven't done anything except find her on internet & mentally write to her! He said the same thing about me confronting most recent inappropriate relationship. He has issues with me looking the fool I guess.
Do you think her spouse would react to you telling him well? Sometimes they are so fooled by the cheater they attack the messenger. Just another side to consider.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

wOUNDED-

I agree older that is a tricky situation. The odds are he suspected at the time and may still have questions.

To tell or not tell is always hard. I wish someone had told me at the time. Would I want someone to tell me now?? Yes!! I say tell because you know how that secret is there and you wonder what is wrong with you or your M. He may be in this boat too. There is also a 4 year old who you should consider. He is the most innocent of all victims.

I would make sure you want to tell him for his benefit and not revenge against OW. Beleive the revenge fantasies I've had would curl your toes.

If you decide to tell, talk to your WS first. This is if you are trying to R, if not it really doesn't matter what he thinks.

I say do what you feel is the right thing to do and be at peace with your choice.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

To both Wounded & Double,
I too wish someone had told me, the red flags were everywhere, he was lying up a storm and I was a mess. On the last suspected EA , I was gently warned by 3 people who work w/ H. I responded like a idiot to them & regret it to this day. He on the other hand when confronted denied & still does today that he was being inappropriate. He says it might have looked bad but he had no intention of starting an affair so he did nothing wrong. This still upsets me now.
Anyway I vote for being told as a BS!


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
livebythesea
Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, November 4th (Monday)

Found out h had a ons (twice with the same person), not really sure if that is classified as a ons. Anyway, found out April 2013 that while he was in Germany working back in 1997. That is quite awhile ago, regardless, it hurts big time. The thought that he kept that from me all those years.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 194 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Livedbythesea, I think you are part of our little group, welcome! I am sure you never wanted to come to this party any more than the rest but by no fault of our own we are here. It is hard finding out that your spouse desired someone else, whether for one night or two one nights, it is hard trying to figure out how they allowed that to happen. Personally I feel that finding out about the deception so far out is harder, compounded by knowing this person carried their lies so long at your expense. I have looked over my married life and wondered if any of it is real, was there a time when what I thought was our life was true. I often wonder if he can so easily do something so harmful to me emotionally what else has he done? If your spouse is talking, truly openly talking, you are miles into a better place.
We have better days and worse, today for me is better. We really talked 2 days ago about a PDF I received from Affair Recovery on trust. My husband does not do any reading on recovery without lots of pushing, so I read it to him. It has 2 parts, one for each of you, my part said a lot about why you would chose to trust again, it was thought provoking. HIS part was excellent as it explained why it is so tough to just start over after such a good reason not to trust. He really seemed to get what the author was saying and we had a very civilized long discussion about 1 of the affairs. I was amazed at the difference and so encouraged I actually welcomed physical affection for the first time in months. I felt close and no need to remove myself mentally from him for it to occur. To me that is a mile in the right direction.
I wish you luck with the process, the people in this thread understand and will be there for you.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

oldernotwiser-

Where is Affiar recovery? My FWH also doesn't read but I am no longer going to settle for his lack of effort. He is the one who broke us and now he has to finish fixing us. I did all the books, IC,MC, here, Marriage builders anything to try and understand and get my M back on track then I realise that it is our M and he needs to a lot more than he has.

Do you ever read the R with the emotionally unavailable? That is my next thread. I think that WS who keep their A's secret forso long are exactly that and I hop I can find some good advice there.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)

Hi Dallas, Affair Recovery is a website. Has had some pretty good extensive articles on all this. It is Christian, I like that. He was a cheater and a SA, turned himself around and made his marriage work. I guess I feel like he gives good advise because he has BTDT. I have shared a lot of the articles w my H. Like I posted before, he is never going to seek info out on his own. Even when I read them to him it takes a week and maybe two more times of reading it for anything to get through. He isn't dense so I know he is just resistant to anything that might make him feel bad.
We actually had about a week of doing pretty good, till yesterday. He talked about someone at work being out most of the night and acting like a teenager, all of a sudden I remember that he (BH) was out all night with his AP while I was @ home with our 2 babies and our house was broken into. Couldn't find him anywhere, about 7 AM he calls and says he just got my message, he was asleep and never heard the pounding on his door. He was working in another town at the time. So I remember this and then I remember being in labor w/ our first, I asked him to please sit up with me & time contractions but he was TIRED and said to get him up when I needed to go to the hospital. I also started to remember how we never went anywhere, had a dinner out or movie, all things he did with his AP's. I just started to shake- literally-. I said we should talk about this later because right now I am having a really bad time, I am feeling angry and remembering things that are very painful to me. We went about our way and later talked about it. You could tell he carefully thought about what he responded to everything I said and I think that was due to what I read to him. Went well, ended without a fight but, to tell the truth today I am still remembering those things and feeling pretty cold toward him. I've been taking how for all those years of knowing but not knowing I always said - If he ever gets it & changes it'll be too little too late. So true. He waited till I had no more love just commitment to my vows for him. On a good day I can laugh with him and work beside him on our farm but the most I feel for him is friendship. He threw everything else away many years ago.
Thanks for letting me ramble on, I needed to talk to someone & am completely alone in this. Zero support anywhere but on SI


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)

Dallas, I just read an old post from you where you say you are the same person who was shaped by your H treatment. Boy, that sure describes me, after so long of being treated poorly and carelessly it's hard to accept that he is trying to be a better H. I am not used to being treated nicely, that was saved for others. So now I have a hard time not pulling away, maybe I can try to just accept and see if it lasts. Are you doing better?


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)

Oldernot wiser-

I am doing better. My H is not. He is slipping back into his old habbits. I have to stop him and tell himI am not living with him in the garage or basement. I wonder if it hard for him to look at me. Maybe I am a reminder to him of what a jerk he was.

I agree it hard when they start treating you better or show unexpected gestures of affection or thoughtfulness. I do try and appreciate it and no question it but...

I am glad to hear he talked about and is thoughtful of what he says to you. I think it is hard if they either tune you out or get defensive and start yelling. Mine did both.

Sometimes a WS seems to forget the stupid things they did and said during the A and before they "got it".

Have you started a list of what you need from him to heal? I wrote down the things I needed and actaully just pulled it out again to remind him and me. I was just typing a letter for him because it is easier that way sometimes.

The memories suck. I remember all the times I asked him about cheating, all the friends I told that I thought he was cheating. all the times I was alone in bed. It makes me sad and angry.

I have to make myself when I remember not to dwell on them. I put them away- they are there and always will be but I am trying to make a better M so I try to focus on the good. How many kids do you have? They are positive memories and hope for the future. What type of farm do you have? How long have you had it? That must be pretty awesome.

I feel like he cheated me out so many years of happiness that he has to do double the work now to make now and future estactic. Greedy am I.

I think you are still angry at him but I also feel that somewhere is a spark of love and Hope. It is ok to love them and hate them at the same time. Pink's song "True Love" is something you should listen to. I find some truth in it. If I didn't have any love for my FWH I would not be here.

Sorry so long. I just was wanting to give you some HOPE!!

Kim


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)

Hi Kim, you are right about being mad at him. Anytime I let myself think about how foolish I was to stay while I was being lied to, and the way he treated me for so long I get so mad! Then I think about how young we were and stupid! I guess what is so hard is that I loved him so much, even though I "saw" all the signs of his affairs I thought I could be the one who held us together. I held that faith for YEARS, he totally disregarded me, just went about his own life. Even when I got sick and had to have tests to get diagnosed ( similar disease to MS) he went off to do a job out of town and left our neighbor to take care of me for a week. He could only manage to call once a day. All our neighbors chipped in, walked the dog, cooked meals for me took me back to Drs etc. 5 years later I found out the truth about his affairs and porn, by then I had lost any feelings for him as he had never been there for me. THEN he begins to act loving and considerate. He waited till I felt nothing, why? Now he says to me- you have everything you tried so hard to have for 30 years and now you don't want it. My feelings were gone for 10 years, he never even noticed that I no longer cared for him. Said he thought during that time when I just quit talking to him that things were good, fine, and finally I had quit nagging him to talk, do things, connect with each other. He said he never really thought about me, the kids, what I might want or need. He figured I just wanted whatever he wanted but, never thought to talk to me. He did spend hours talking with AP. Told her all about us, our marriage our sex life etc. never felt then need to talk to me.
Where is the topic on emotionally unavailable ? I found it once but can't seem to now.
I tried to make a list of what I need or want, it was hard. He is trying so hard, I just can't force myself to feel things I don't feel.
I am praying for you, I hope it gets better. Do you have support? MC? IC? I am glad I have my faith. Sharron


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, November 21st (Thursday)

Oldernot wiser-

Just brought the emotional up closer to the fron it is in the "I can Relate" forum.

I swear you could hit them with a 2x4 and they still wouldn't get it. I am big into holidays and trying to make life special. When I moved out my H was so surpised and then he remembered he didn't get a card from me. Big hint wouldn't you say?

Maybe part of your anger is your sick and he isn't. I guess he also isn't very open about it, nor does he want to discuss it. My FWH is this way. He is finally showing that he knows when I am feeling poorly, he acknowledges seeing me when I stumble, he can read the pain in my face(physical). I was DX'd in 2002 and he had his A 2003. I know it makes me angry that as I need ed his help he was gone and had been gone many years since.

I also thought I was foolish and angry, I also thought the worse betrayal I had suffered wasn't him, it was me. I didn't stand up for what I beleived, I didn't trust myself. I have made peace with myself. I had a lot of stuff to deal with and sometimes there was no choice in what to do at a certain point in time. I will no longer tolerate his indifference to me. I will put me and my happiness before his. If I am not happy I have to fix it. He has to put effort into our M.



Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
jangledchick
New Member
Member # 40863
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Apart from ALL the obvious reasons to be shattered by their use of prostitutes, understanding the concept of sex addiction and then maybe even feeling compassion for their plight... HOW do you even begin to imagine having sex again?I am repulsed by him. He is tainted. The hands I once loved are layered with imprints of all the whores. The smooth olive skin I once enjoyed stroking is now impregnated with the perverted touch of others.I've been told that I can heal from this and that with time and hard work can recover, BUT I don't want to overcome these thoughts and feelings. I WILL NOT.Imagine something so repugnant to you that you'd rather do ANYTHING but that something, say... eating the regurgitated food from a cat or a deep fried cane rat . Then imagine being told, that with time and hard work, you can overcome your feelings. Would you be willing to give time and hard work to overcome your feelings?

I really want someone who is in a similar situation to mine, that can talk with me about the nitty gritty of the day to day reality. To hash out the dreaded future that staying married to a man like this would entail.I am fiercely protective of my family unit and desperately want to keep it intact. My sons are 29, 20 &17 and I have a 16 month old grandson.I care about the welfare of my husband but do not have any inclination to be affectionate with him and as I said in the first post, I most definitely could never have sex with him again.My choices are either divorce-which would decimate my family unit, reconcilliation-which is out of the question, or living in a sexless marriage with a recovering sex addict who seems to be fully committed to his recovery.I've lived without sex for approx ten years anyway so I don't think that will be much of a hardship for me. (Excuse the pun! )Anyone out there who can identify?

[This message edited by jangledchick at 4:19 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]


'Like bells jangled, out of tune and harsh.'
D-Day 19 April 2013 
Me-BS 47 
Him-SA/FWS (so he says) 57 
Married 20 years. 
Learned that he has NEVER been faithful.
Many ONS, many OW & approx 300 prostitutes. PUKE, PUKE, PUKE!!!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: jangledchick
KingPellinore
New Member
Member # 41421
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, December 13th (Friday)

I found out the true extent of my wife's affair just last Wednesday, the 6th of December.

The affair ended about 6 and a half years ago, she doesn't remember the exact date. It would be silly to expect her to after all this time.

She's as remorseful as she could be and she's being everything I need right now. I have no doubt as to her current commitment. We're going into therapy next Tuesday and I am looking forward to being able to speak with a neutral professional about this.

I'm OK some days and a wreck other days. We've had constant sex since DDay and there is a lot of reassuring and nurturing going on. In a lot of ways, we're more open than we've ever been with each other right now. I guess she's finally learned she really can tell me anything and the world won't end.

I feel like it'll be good in the long run. We're coming through the fire and will be forged stronger in the end. But until we reach that end, the fire hurts an awful lot sometimes.

She's had almost 7 years to process her feelings. She's dealing with the hurt she's caused me, to be sure, but my wound is still very fresh and the first two years of marriage and raising our daughter together are constantly being put into a very different light for me. Happy occasions I remember are suddenly colored with the knowledge that she was sleeping around with her colleague. From what she tells me, it sounds almost like a postpartum depression that spiralled way out of control. I wish she had trusted me at the time to be there for her rather than looking to someone else for comfort.

Still, in the end she chose me, even if the end took two years to come. She's been a great wife, mother, and partner since it all ended. If I didn't have the past six years with her, I might not want to still be with her. Barring any future revelations or deceptions, I believe we can work through this.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Nov 2013
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, December 13th (Friday)

King, welcome to the thread. It sounds like you are on the right track, remorse and effort on WW part make recovery possible. It is hard finding out later, do you ( like me) wonder about things that are forgotten? You seem to accept that so much better than I am able to. Any ideas why? It also sounds like there is still love in your relationship, that goes a long way to easing recovery I think. Several in this thread have mentioned that the betrayal and the amount of time that passed before reevaluation have all but eliminated any feelings of love.
For your situation I am happy, keep posting how it going. I love a happy ending


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
kate0421
Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, December 14th (Saturday)

I found out in late Sep that my WS has had 3 ONS in the past. Once when we had a 2month seperation, another after we had gotten back together, where he drove to her apartment ( the same girl he slept with in our separation, he ran into her at a bar) and then once again about 1-2yrs after that at some house party.
These two girls are apart of the same circle of friends. One of the reasons we seperated was because of his addiction to cocaine. After we separated he just drown himself in alcohol and drugs. One night he called me in tears saying he is sorry and that he loves me and will change. I gave him that chance and he had relapsed a few times but i helped him through it.. ( has been clean of cocaine in 4yrs) and i remember him doing some really stupid shit wasted a few years back. Then he finally changed and stuck to it we have had the best life the past 3 years, he has become a different person and we had our daughter last year and everything was great. He has been so great, i thought wow, he is finally grown up ( we were young when we got togetherI was 15 him 17) I was so proud of the man he had become.
One wasted night a few friends were talking anout cheating spouses and I remember coming home to him amd asking him if he has ever cheated or done anything. The look on his face told me something was there, so i kept at it and it eventually came out. Im soo devastated, I thought I knew who he was. Its so hard to think I never saw it... Never. If anything I was suspicious about the drugs never cheating.
He never brought me around that circle of people ( prob because they were all getting high)
Its sooo hard trying to put all the pieces together. There are sooooo many moments of happiness and I feel as if they were all fake now.
He told me that shortly after the third time he came home amd was watching me with our son and had this " WTF am I doing moment" and has been deeling with what he jas done. He had gained alot of weight (90lbs) and would go through moments of a depressed like state but would mever really talk about ot....
It just kills me thinking that I was comforting him all these years when he was feeling bad about cheating on me... And i didnt even know it... Ugh

Do any of you feel that its better finding out later? Or do you wish you would have known when it happened?


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 272 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

My feeling is that the longer they lie the more difficult to recover. The more lies that were told the more trust was eroded. I would have liked to know right away.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
Itstoohard
Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

Most surely at the time or at least soon afterwards. Along with the things that have been mentioned I can't imagine living with that for all these years. I was raised and raised my kids that when you do wrong own up to it immediately.


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
Oldernotwiser
Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

I was raised to do the right thing also, it wasn't that you couldn't make a mistake. Your character is revealed in how you handle the mistake, we also were raised to make amends.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, December 20th (Friday)

kate0421- Your situation is a little different than mine becaue of the drugs and there is a thread in the I can relate forum for those that love an addict. The only thing I can say is when they are on drugs they are not in their right mind, I don't think they even have a mind or concious at all. I am not excusing his behavior but you know how low he went and some things that he did you know he would not have if not for the drugs.

I think most of us here would saying finding out later was worse. I think we have more to deal with, we question everything imaginable. I know if I had found out at the time I would not be M today


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Justgreatnews
Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, December 29th (Sunday)

KingPellinore,

You story mirrors mine completely, other than it took me 20 years to find out. My wife is also very sorry, very eager to help me.

Where we depart is in attitude. You have a great and positive attitude, and are handling things in a very logical and wise fashion.

I, on the other hand, am being much more negative, petty, and unforgiving. We've made progress, and also are closer now, but I am struggling mightily to put things behind me and forgive. Very obsessed by what happened, and cannot get the images out of my mind.

What's your secret?

[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 7:19 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Camalus
Member
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 30th (Monday)

In our case, I think the years separating the end of the affair and my discovery are quite possibly the thing that will allow our marriage to survive. I’ve spent a lot of time mulling this over the past few weeks, reading and re-reading the timeline. Seeing how deeply she was immersed in her fantasy life with her AP, I do not think our marriage would have survived had I discovered it during the A or anytime in the first year after it ended.

She thought they were in luuuvvvv, true soul mates in life. She had decided to end our marriage as soon as DD graduated high school and WW received her PhD. She actually bought into the fantasy of them running off to CA to teach at a small private university. It did not dawn on her just how badly deluded she was for almost a year after the affair ended.

I don’t think I could have sat and listened to how much she loved him without throwing her out and filing for D. Both she and MC looked shocked when I said as much in session a couple of weeks ago. In truth, what I said was ‘the first time I heard that soul mate crap, star crossed lovers bullshit, I’d have Hefty Bagged her crap and changed the locks.’

She has had fourteen/fifteen years to realize the truth, process her true feelings and I think she is truly remorseful. She is doing everything I ask and more trying to help me come to terms with her infidelity, her lies, her betrayal. She even offered to send letters to people in Atlanta (that knew about the A and helped cover it up) telling them the excuses she used at that time, getting their assistance in covering up the affair, justifying her actions, etc., were untrue. Apparently, she told people I was ‘unambitious, ‘unsupportive’, and ‘unemotional’. I’ve told her ‘thanks but no’, I never want to see or hear from any of them again as they are definitely not friends of the marriage.

These were people we socialized with, people we invited to share our beach house, couples we invited to backyard cookouts. They knew me better than that! They knew I did almost all of the cooking, cleaning, attended school functions, and supported the family while she chased her dream of a PhD. They knew, but still came to our house, drank my beer and single malts, ate our food, AND SAID NOT A DAMN WORD TO ME. (for some reason this hurts almost as much as the A itself)

I have IC twice a week; fWW has IC once a week. fWW’s IC told her she could drop back to once a month and fWW told her she wanted to continue weekly sessions to keep reminding herself the affair may be old but my discovery is recent,my pain current and debilitating.

In addition to IC, we have MC once a week although we will be cutting back to twice a month after the first of the year. The latest stumbling block, I am having real problems with being ‘the backup plan’. MC and IC both tell me to look at it as ‘she chooses me’ but I am finding that difficult. Maybe if she had been the one to end the ‘A’ I could believe ‘she picked me’. The way I am looking at it, he dumped her, threw her under the bus when his BS found out and she was stuck with me. She didn’t pick me, she settled for her second choice (me) after her four yearlong A went to hell in a hand basket.

Time will tell, time does not heal wounds, it is what you do with the time that heals the wounds although the scars may be there forever.


Me–BS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)

Calamus-

Sorry to see you in this boat. Many of us here agree that finding out later may be one reason why we are still M. It is hard to discover your partner cheated and kept it a secret for years.

I don't know if you are questioning everything but it sounds like you are. For me that is harder than the A. MT WH lied to me and tried to convince me I ws crzy for being suspicious. Not only do I question everything about him I also question myself.

You wonder why she stayed and I know that is a big question for me too. It is so difficult to accept when my H claims he stayed because he loved me. If that was the case why was he screwing around? It boggles my mind having an affair is the least loving thing a S can do.(IMHO) I think next on the list of least loving things they can do is lie and keep it a secret for years. I know the reasoning my H used is if I didn't know it wouldn't hurt me. How dumb is that? The secret almost destroyed us, he drank himself to the point of alcoholism and he distanced himself that basically we were living seperate lives. Roomates that didn't like each other.

Now we are working on rebuilding actually starting over. I do not count the last years ar part of my M. I even suggested a D and them maybe remarry. I think he is afraid if he does that I am gone. AT one point that would've been the case.

I can tell you with time things do get better and yes the wounds are there. Like scars they will heal and fade with the proper care.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
LoyaltyTainted
New Member
Member # 41963
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

It drives me insane the fact that I will never know who this woman is, how the relationship started, ANYTHING! I can definitely relate to this.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2014
AppalachianGal
Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

I guess I belong here. Found out 12/29/13 that the love of my life, my only, had a ONS with a girl he met at a bar in 1993 while out of town working, 3 yrs after our wedding & just months after our first son was born. He wouldn't have told me if I hadn't thought I had an STD (went today, don't have what I thought I had, thank God, waiting to hear about the other tests) and confronted him and pretty much told him I wouldn't accept anything other than his confession. He is showing remorse, a lot of it, really. Its not helping me in the least. 20 years of lies. EVERYTHING is nasty now. I asked if he was drunk. He said buzzed. I asked if at any time during the night if he thought he shouldn't be doing what he was doing and he said "I don't remember thinking that until afterward." He said he confessed to his dad and told no one else. He says he thought our marriage was pretty much over. Long story there, but it certainly wasn't. It was a huge misunderstanding on his part. He said he learned a big lesson and has never cheated since. He is an alcoholic now since returning from Iraq and suffers PTSD & major depression. He lies about almost everything, especially anything to do with drinking and anything to make him look like he is better than what he is.


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
Xheart
New Member
Member # 41888
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

I just found out in October that the virgin I married had a 5-month A 19 years ago with the student body president of my college. We were married for five years when this all began.

We were new in town and she didn't have any girl friends and we were looking for a babysitter for our 2-year old little girl. The president seemed to know everyone by name on campus and when he introduced himself to me, he asked me to come to him for help if I ever needed anything.

A couple weeks later, I approached the president and asked him for a special favor. I asked him if we could speak privately in his office because what I had to ask him for a very important favor.

I told him that my wife didn't know any girls her age and asked him if he would be willing to introduce my wife to some nice female students in which to make friends and to find a suitable babysitter so we could go dancing. I also happened to mention during our conversation that I worked night shifts at a local hospital. Of course he said that he would be happy to help me and told me to bring her to the student center so he could introduce my wife to some new friends.

A day or two later, I brought my wife to campus and introduced her to the president and then I had to run to class. Needless to say, he never introduced her to anybody and began sleeping with her a few weeks after that.

My wife says that she fell instantly "in love" with him and felt as though he was her soul mate. According to her, they planned to tell me about their love at our graduation ceremony and get married, but she decided to end the affair fearing that I would kill Mr. President if I were to ever find out.

Mr. President committed suicide 4 years ago after many years on a jet-setting drug-binge. Naturally, my W feels she made the right decision to stay with me, but continues to "love" him to this day. It really hurts me that I wasn't enough to fulfill her emotional needs. She decided to confess to me about the A after she converted to Christianity and felt that telling me was necessary for her to get beyond her sin.

I respect and admire her for coming clean about her A even though it hurts like HELL. She is currently in IC, hoping to overcome her "love feelings" for the OM. She realizes that he was not the person she thought he was, but the fantasy remains very strong in her mind.


BS (me) 44
WW 40
Together 26 years
Married 24 years
Affair Began Mid-October 1994
D-day: Mid-October 2013
Affair End Date: March 20, 1995
OM Suicide Date: March 20, 2009

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Omaha, NE
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

Although we are separated . What bothers me is the in laws expect and badger me that it is in the past , and at our declining age I should accept the ongoing infidelities. I must also report he is financially irresponsible, and habitually lies. As long as I do no find out or have no tangible evidence....he is good To go. Who does this?.
So very tired of the blame shifting by him, and Inlaws.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jul 2012
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

I think this thread will help me at this stage. My H and I have been together for about 40 years. As a teen, he had a very intense relationship that dissolved. Three years later we started dating...I never knew about her. 15 years later, we are settling into our first house, careers, parenthood (my first was 2) and she looks him up, they have an A. I did not know at the time. 20 years later...2009...he is going through midlife crisis(or whatever) looks her up...another A. I find out about a month into it...totally blindsided...can't figure out who this person is...where he met her...etc. He confesses to the other A. Four years later we are trying to R, but I am still in shock. How did I not know about all this all these years??? How do I ever trust him again...how could he have kept this secret all these years???

Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Gr8Lady- Your inlaws are set in theri ways and I imagine it is hard for them to accept that their son is a dirtbag. You have also been part of their family for years and they probably don't want to lose you either. Just my thought.

Crossroads2010- I am not sure how a WS keeps the secret so long. Mine kept it seven and I know he would've never told me if we weren't already on the way to a D. I don't think I will ever understand it. He said it was to protect me but I think it was there all the time. He started drinking and we became roomates(not friendly ones.)

I keep reading to trust but verify. To me that is not trusting, it is verifying. If I trusted I wouldn't need to verify. I see you registered the same year I did. I think time helps and so does SI. He needs to do whatever you ask him to do to help rebuild your trust. The first time I asked my H to call me whenever he left the office he got all pissy about and then I explained why to him. He complied and it helped me start trusting again. He had to be an open book nothing was kept to himself, nothing.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

Dallas....I have also started reading/posting in the EU thread...it fits my situation also...the R thread is great, but many of the WS are truly remorseful and not EU like mine and dealing with finding out about a past A that was apparently going on right under your nose and not knowing is a different issue.

When I caught my fWH having A with old gf OW 4 years ago, he confessed to the one 20 years prior. He did this to justify the current one in his mind...after all he had buried feelings...it was not like he just met someone and had an A... he probably thought that would make me feel better(???). Actually, it made HIM feel better about what he had done...he wasn't protecting me by keeping the secret all those years...he was protecting him!

I have fully accepted that I probably will never trust him again...not so much because of the A 4 years ago, but because of the 20 year secret. You are right if you are verifying you aren't trusting. I verify much less than I did, but part of the reason is because it is exhausting and I find myself not caring as much...just don't want to be made a fool again...no more blindsided.


Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

Crossroads- I agree it gets very tiresome to keep checking. I also know my FWH is much better on the computer and stuff than I am. He has divided hard drives and crap like that. I think at some level I will never trust him completely again. I wonder if this means we will never be completely reconciled. I don't know how anybody who has lived with a WS who lies to them for years can ever trust them again.

You bring about an issue I am afraid I may be facing soon. Even my MC and her fellow MC's couldn't understand why he confessed after all this time. I have been wondering if he didn't have another A during that time he did tell. There are a few things that I wonder about and must ask him. I agree I don't want to be made a fool again.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, February 3rd (Monday)

Same here with the computer skills, but I am not as incompetent as he thinks and a lot of that is having a need to learn the last 4 years. Why does your H say he kept the secret so long? It is curious. I also wonder about who else knew and did not tell me. Had my H not looked her up and started the A 4 years ago, he would have not ever told me...it must have run through his head many times over 20 years...I could have very possible run into her at some point during our life. He has an uncanny knack for forgetting things...really...he can just block things out. But even so...even with the A 20 years before, I am skeptical that there was not more recent contact...he DID also contact another old gf about the same time so maybe he just started looking up old gfs.

Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

If I knew why he kept that secret for long and then decide to confess I would be a sane woman. I will never understand it although now I am questioning wheather or not there was a more recent one that he was hiding and to keep me from finding out confessed to the old one. You know how it is. It's just a feeling I have and one that grows instead of going away. It really bugs me too as we finally have dealt with and survived his old A. Maybe these thoughts of other A's is just a way to keep me on my toes or else there is something to it. I have to ask but have all sorts or nightmares aboutthe answers and effects.

Sounds like your H was hitting midlife crisis. My H had his A at 12 years in ou M. I have since found out that is a common time. I always heard of the 7 year itch, not 12.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Daysie
Member
Member # 38873
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Hi Everyone - I hope you don't mind me crashing this forum.

I am coming up for my 1st anniversary of DD. My WH admitted to an "A" with my then BF 32yrs ago. I have been struggling with it all and can't understand why he never told me before.

He was ill last year and we have been told he has BPD. When he had this episode this crap all came out. I contacted my now XBF and she confirmed it all.

My WH told me it happened only twice and he isn't sure it even happened the second time He says he never remembered it before and thinks it was just his illness inventing memories. What I did find out from my XBF was that it went on for 6 weeks but WH says he can't tie anything into her story.

I just can't move forward as I don't know what to believe

How do you put back all these years and was I the only one in this marriage? WH says he has always loved me and never wanted anyone else. He never brings up any discussion about the "A" and its as if he shuts down when I try to talk about it.

He says that he has no memory of it apart from the first encounter so he can't answer any of my questions.

I just go round and round in circles - Has anyone else had to deal with this ??? Would benefit from some advice. Thank you


Me BS 56
Him WH 56
M 36yrs
A 32yrs ago with my then BF
DD 1 / DS 1
Who is this man ??????


Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)


..
How do you put back all these years and was I the only one in this marriage? WH says he has always loved me and never wanted anyone else. He never brings up any discussion about the "A" and its as if he shuts down when I try to talk about it.

He says that he has no memory of it apart from the first encounter so he can't answer any of my questions.

..we hear this a lot .. always loved us, shuts down when questions are asked; so long ago.. can't answer our questions..

..I got the same.. I agree.. it's all 'crazy-making'

..my 40 years of M was all under lies and deception..

..don't be too quick in accepting his 'only twice' story.. all too often, it is a total minimizing of the actual extent of their activities. My WW's first explanation was ' a few bj's over two years' ... that was only the tip of the iceberg..

..was really many, many bj's over 18 years!!!

..wish i had some good advice on getting the whole truth out of them. If they don't want to tell, you can't make them.

Hope you get to a place of peace..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Daysie
Member
Member # 38873
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

(((somanyyears)))

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

On the whole we have had a very good marriage - I have never felt unloved and have always been close to my WH. It's so hard to think back and try to remember what was going on then

Our children are aware of this now as he felt he had to tell them what he had done. They just can't believe that he did this. My son has taken it harder than my daughter and finds it very difficult at present to engage with him.

"A's" have a huge impact on the whole family

I guess I am also angry that at this time in life we should be enjoying our time together and not having to live through this nightmare.

Oh how I hate him at times . Still not sure if we can every come back from this?????


Me BS 56
Him WH 56
M 36yrs
A 32yrs ago with my then BF
DD 1 / DS 1
Who is this man ??????


Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, February 7th (Friday)

Yes...classic MLC...big job promotion, new fancy car...new meds...lots of new confidence. A for whatever reason would have had the same effect on me, but finding out about the one he had with her Dallas
20 years prior was the most devastating. At that time in our life things were good...we were settling into our first house, working on careers/school, our first was a toddler...life was good and we were happy and he had a 2 week A with her and kept it a secret for ALL these years??!!If he can deceive that easily, how can I ever trust him?

Daysie
I do think he has blocked it to a degree. My H has always had memory issues...really...gets a lot of stuff events and time periods mixed up...I have always worried about this some. We don't talk about the A anymore b/c he just gets defensive and turns it around so I end up frustrated, so I just don't, but the day is coming where I will have to ask very specific things if I am ever going to really move on. My H big thing to say was that I was not and would never be second to anyone. Not true...he put his feelings, wants, needs, etc. before mine every time he ever had contact with her. It is good that you had a source to get info from...I wonder who else knew about the A 20 years ago...did our friends then know and kept the secret from me also??? I am really surprise that your H told your kids...my H would never voluntarily tell ours.


Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
Daysie
Member
Member # 38873
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, February 10th (Monday)

Hi crossroads2010
I am not sure that finding out from my XBF was a good idea. It has left me with lots of unanswered questions. When we met up I was so shocked by what she told me that I didn't follow through and ask for more details .

Like many here I don't think I will ever find out the right story - I can't believe that my WH has forgotten all the details I had from XBF.

As I said in earlier posts my WH had a severe manic episode and this is when it all came out. During this period his personality changed dramatically and this was when he told our grown children.

I am still in limbo and dread another manic episode in case I get knocked back again with further information.

I really think that my WH is a conflict avoider - he will do anything other than bring up the "A". He just keeps saying how sorry he is and he can't understand what was happening to him mentally during this period - just makes me feel


Me BS 56
Him WH 56
M 36yrs
A 32yrs ago with my then BF
DD 1 / DS 1
Who is this man ??????


Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Brokenhearted49
New Member
Member # 39243
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

Hi All! Although Im sorry that any of us are here, its so good to see others in the same situation and not feel like im alone.

My H and I are in pretty successful R, mostly due to the fact that he had completely "gotten away with it", and came to me, risking everything so he could get the OW out of our lives. She was my best friend and my daughters Godmother. They had a fling for about 6 months and then he broke it off as she was getting too controlling and he found she was quite the bitch. She then used me, the dumb clueless fool I was, to keep herself involved in his life.

So, 3 years after it ended , he came clean. I know it was more to get her out of our lives than it was his conscience nagging at him, which kind of bothers me, but Im a realist. In the end, our marriage is the better for the R process, but I sure would have rather have him done something different to express his unhappiness.

I'm 10 mos past Dday and in some ways I'm better and in others I will never be the same. Unfortunately for me, I can honestly say I love my H which makes things easier and harder at the same time.

I go through stages where I don't think about it for a while. Then its all I can think about. I have a lot of anger towards the OW and my H for doing this to me. There's a part of me, I'll never get back.

but everyone needs to just keeping moving on and keep the faith. More importantly, "Trust, but verify."

Best to all and wishing you a good day!


Me: 50
Him: 57
Together 26 yrs, married 23 yrs
2 stepsons ( which I've helped raise) 29 & 28 and our son , 21 and daughter 19
OW was daughters Godmother and my Best Friend and has NPD (severe case)
DDay: 5/7/13
Reconciling

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Medway, MA
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Hello everyone. I found out in Dec 2013 that my H had an A that ended about 3 years ago. I came across an old facebook message that she had sent him. Luckily, they are dated, so I knew it was from 2010. Still, my world came crashing down. My husband has always proudly said, "I would never cheat on you!" I always believed him. Until that day.

He knew her before he met me. An old girlfriend who he looked up on facebook. Facebook. Here is where it really hurts me. My mother was dying and very sick with Alzheimers. I was taking care of her 24/7. WH had mentioned to me that he was in contact with his old friends from Florida on Facebook and how great it would be to go and visit them. They invited him down for a weekend fishing trip in Dec 2009. I felt SORRY FOR MY HUSBAND due to all the stress & sadness with my mother being so ill. SORRY FOR HIM? I GET SO MAD ABOUT THAT NOW. I am the one who needed a weekend getaway, not his cheating, lying ass. Anyway, I buy him a plane ticket and drive him to the airport and kiss him goodbye. I pray for his safe journey.

After he got back, he continued an EA talking, texting and emailing her for about a year. He has never given me a solid answer on exactly when he ended it. Sometime in late 2010 is his best answer...? Ugh. He also TT'd a ton and outright lied about things that I later got from the OW's sister. So, do I trust him? Not so much.

Weekend PA and yearlong EA and now it is 3 years later. I have been hounding him about "other" affairs. How can I be sure that this has been the only one? You all understand where I am coming from. He of course, says it was just the one A.

I made him tell our kids. Our youngest is 15 and I felt that they would find out anyway. He came home that first night on DDay and sat them all down and told them, including my niece who is like a daughter to us. He cried. They cried. I cried. I ranted and raved. Not the picture perfect family. I wanted him to do that because I felt that he needed to "own" what he had done. I wasn't sure if we were going to S or D or R and I wanted the kids to know WHY things were rocky with Mom and Dad.

He has tried many times to pull the "I don't remember" card. I tell him that's not good enough and he better think harder and remember. Still, there are holes and missing details. We are trying to R. Very hard. Most days I truly believe that he loves me and I love him. We both want to make it work, but can we? I have no answers.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

How did I miss this? This is me, while I found out 22 months after and not several years, but I feel like my relationship is a lie! It happened once and over a year before we married, but finding out four months after marriage sucks! I would have run and never looked back. Now I am stuck deciding to R or D. We were living together at the time, FYI. I hate what this honeymoon period has become. Technically giving it time so R I guess, but not so sure.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 890 | Registered: Dec 2013
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

It's been 4 years, 1 week, and three days since DDay. For tthe first time I didn't have a meltdown I actually didn't even remember the day at all.

My FWH and I have been planning a future together and it dawned on me I don't want to be M to him any longer. I haven't decided about a future but I don't want to be M to him.

My M was good for twelve years and then something happened. I felt it and knew what it was but everytime I asked he said No. He kept these lies up for seven years and then continued with lies and half truths after he confessed.

He did say he was sorry and I felt sorry for him as my MC said he had punished himself for years. What punishment? I ask myself now.

I guess I would say we have been in false R. For me I thought it was real. I went to IC, MC, read books and tried. He never wanted to talk about the A or how it has affected both of us. He never wanted to read any books or continue with IC or MC. Last time I mentioned it he said he would go, I just had to find someone. He really put some effort into this M of ours.

I don't believe the A was our undoing but the lies and lack of effort on his part to help save the M. In my state we have to seperate for a year for the D to happen and I am going to file as soon I finish with the financial stuff. Twenty three years of M and twentyeight years together is a lot to sort through.

I think the time is right for me I'm not pissed off at him to point where I could skin him alive just sad that he destroyed us and he really doesn't get it.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

(((Dallas2)))

I'm so sorry that you're getting a D. Mostly because it sounds like you wasted the last 4 years trying to save the M all by yourself. Have you told your WH that you plan on filing?


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1116 | Registered: Jul 2012
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

Not sure if I belong here, but I found out 20 months after and it had happened before we married, but were living together in a committed relationship talking marriage here and there. We were only married 4 months when I found out. It sucks finding out later because I could have changed my plans for staying in it easier before marriage and moving into our dream home we bought. We were renting when it happened. Glad I stumbled upon this thread.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 890 | Registered: Dec 2013
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

deena04- It doesn't matter how long after the A was over that you found out about the A just that it was over.

It sucks no matter how long ago the A was. The WS kept us in the dark on purpose and denied us the dignity to make our own choice on the matter.

How do we fight for something we didn't even know was gone?

What else is he doing to try and make it better? Sounds like maybe he really is sorry and doesn't want to lose you.

Have you started IC or MC yet? If not I would at least the IC for you first and then MC. I would be mad if at the first sign of trouble he runs and also worried about when real trouble hits the M.

When our S or P cheats and then carries the secret it is so hard to rebuild trust and respect for them again. I know it can be done I've read about it on other forums. I just know it is hard for both partners.

Good luck in whatever you choose.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Trying2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, April 25th (Friday)

@ MeanieMouse...Oh my goodness! I just read your post and can't believe how close it is to MY situation! I just found out 6 1/2 months ago that my H had a short A with my brother's wife, 25 years ago! (they were together 2, maybe 3 times during an 8 or 9 month period that this woman chased him) At the time, we were having SERIOUS marital problems and of course she knew it from being in our family, and it gave her the opportunity she had been waiting on for several years. (I found out she had had 'feelings' for my husband for a long time before the A).Anyway, I have SO many thoughts and questions! I have some things I have to get done right now, but wanted to give you a head's up to watch for me, and I will post again as soon as I can. (hopefully later today). I'm so anxious to "talk" more with you about your friend.


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
Trying2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, April 25th (Friday)

@Daysie...I cannot believe I am finding people here whose stories are SO close to mine! I guess I felt I was the only one this happened to, before I found this site! Anyway, I just found out 6 1/2 months ago that my H had an A with my brother's wife 25 years ago!(I have known for several years that she had an affair while they lived in the same town as we do, and I had questioned WHO it was many times over the past several years, but no-one would ever tell me! And, there were several of my family members who knew about it back then. My husband was not aware that several knew about it.)So, like you...no-one ever told me anything and I did NOT see signs back then either! My H and I were having some serious marital problems and of course she knew that from being in the family, so she had the perfect opportunity to "move in on him". (We found out that she has had "feelings" for my H for several years before the A). The A was disclosed because my brother and her finally split up and their children wanted answers...so they both spilled their guts about her A's and his! Yes!! they both have had numerous affairs! She also had one with my sister's husband, about 5 or 6 years after my husband and her. My H has told me that he wanted to tell me, but KNEW if he did, I would either leave him or have an A myself and he said he could not bear that, even though he now knows how SELFISH that was! And yes, I probably would have left him if I'd found out years ago! We have now been married (almost) 37 years, have 2 grown sons and two grandchildren. So...we DO have a history together and we have been happy for the past 25 years, so this makes it even more difficult! I could not ask for a more remorseful H who KNOWS how wrong he did and the damage it has caused. He too tells me that he has always loved me, and cannot bear to think I would leave him, etc...and I DO believe him, however, it still does not ease the hurt, resentment, anger, etc. that an A causes. And it doesn't matter that it was 25 years ago! It might as well been yesterday as far as my mind and heart feel! My H will talk to me about it, but like yours, it has been so long AND he has purposely forgotten so much, that it's hard for him to recall a lot of things. But I will tell you that talking does help some of his memory to come back. I know he HATES talking about it, but has told me that he wants to remember for MY sake so that I can deal, heal, and hopefully some day move forward and be happy again! Prayers, blessings and HOPE to you!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

Unfortunately, I can relate to this. A year after the ass left us for OW, I found out that he'd been screwing around since practically day one...before we were married. It was one of the most traumatic moments in my life.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1567 | Registered: Aug 2010
Trying2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, May 5th (Monday)

When I wrote my last post, I did not realize the dates on others' posts were months ago! I don't think this site is going to help me much!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
foolforlove14
New Member
Member # 43431
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

We are starting counseling this week. Counselor thinks H may have sexual compulsion disorder?? Sex addict? That's just what every faithful loving wife wants to hear right? So, there is 1 affair I know about. Found out on my own, but H admitted it. He had to write out sexual history for counselor and guess what?? I read it! I know I shouldn't have, but I did! There was another, it happened on a business trip 15 yrs ago or so! I was completely in the DARK! I thought 4 yrs ago was the 1 and only. Now I realize if I have caught him texting women or emailing ad websites 5 or 6 times, there are probably a dozen times that got by me. I am not that smart nor that good a detective!
This will sound crazy, but I am only 50/50 on staying or leaving. I actually love this person and have for 24 years. I know he loves me too, can he be fixed?? Has ANYBODY come out on the other side? Am I an idiot? We do have 3 boys, but only 1 is under age. I make a good living, I COULD leave...ughhh


"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me"
Philippians 4:13

Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2014
livebythesea
Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, May 15th (Thursday)

His short term affair started, I'm guessing April 1997 and I was told over the phone April 28th 2013. His affair took place in Germany, while we live in Canada. He was over Thor work. I was left home with 3 young children, a brand new business which required a lot of my time. He went over the to make a de extra dollars, he worked hard, I know that. But, for whatever reason, he met this women who he says "seduced" him at a bar. He went to her home. He walked there. He had time to turn around, but he didn't. They had sex, he tells me he can't remember whether or not he had intercourse. So, for 16 years he kept that secret from me. For 16 years he lied, and buried his infidelity. In November 2011, while he was away for work in Alberta, he had a ons. I was told that about that event June 22nd 2013. My daughter's college graduation day!

Ons, whether it happened once or twice, still devastating and extremely difficult to accept and move on. I'm well over the one year mark, and still unsure whether to stay or leave.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 194 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
beyondbelief13
New Member
Member # 41080
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, June 16th (Monday)

Oh God, please get me off of this crazy train!

A little background: WH had LTA, caught and TRYING to R...

During a polygraph he also confessed to a ONS only 6 weeks after saying he would pledge his fidelity to me in M...

Well, he has always put the ONS in a whole different category, saying "It was 25 years ago! I was younger, It was ONLY a ONS, it was a whole different why, etc Therefore we don't need to dredge that whole thing up...

Damned it, I am just so over all this minimizing, deflecting and crazy making!!! This whole R thing has wrung me dry and today and many days I don't think I have it in me to sacrifice any more of myself for this wrecking ball of a H... Sorry, but this vent sure feels good. Thanks for listening and if you have a box of tissue please read my profile, yuk.


BS: 60 WS: 55
DS: 19 DD: 11
M:25 years
Polygraph 4/27/13 revealed A #1 (ons)only 7 weeks after wedding and A #2 7 month love of his life A
Reconciling? Divorcing? I guess only time will tell?

Posts: 36 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: California
Sleepingbeauty
Member
Member # 43792
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

I am one who has drastically changed my opinion for those who found out years later, when I found out about my husband affair I thought that we had a chance to build a new and better marriage. I thought we did.

After all the tears and hard work that was done for the past few years, he is having another affair. This one is different because he feels he has a future with her

I think if I had just ended the marriage when I first found out about the first affair I would not be hurting so much now. I do believe I have give it the best I can and know that the marriage failure is on him.

I now believe a spouse who's capable of lying and keeping secrets for so long isn't really going to give it their all to save the marriage.

I know some exws will do the work but I have to suggest to the bs to run and start over. Make the choice yours not theirs?


Posts: 195 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
thecosmogirl
Member
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

I pretty much agree with Sleepingbeauty.
I can't relate to this topic yet but, it's just a matter of time I'm sure.
My WH is the picture perfect role model, except he will absolutely not come completely clean so, I'm basically just wasting my time.
I pray for others to be stronger than me!
Don't get me wrong, it's not all horrible. I'm just in the meh, I guess. I love him but, I won't be that super duper in love head over heels person ever again. That person died.


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 155 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
Dkrms15
New Member
Member # 44105
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, July 18th (Friday)

I found out a few months ago that my husband had cheated on me. I found an email with a selfie he sent to the whore he worked with with a message " I want YOU here with me." We were on vacation in Hawaii at the time - how insulting is that? I thought we had a great time....

At his request, we started counseling immediately and in the course of the sessions he admitted to an affair about 20 years ago with a neighbor (the mother of my daughter's best friend). He said he had assumed I had known about it. The other betrayed spouse had confronted him. I'm such an idiot, I thought that the other husband was crazy. MY husband would never really cheat...flirt, sure, but not BETRAY me and our family! We were happy....! I am such an idiot.

So now, I have not only the current affair (over before I found the mail, but it happened and he wasn't going to tell me and I never saw any signs) and also the knowledge of this other one to deal with. He swears that there were no others, but how do I know???

How can I bear this? I cry every day. I cannot believe how stupid I was. We raised 2 great kids and had a lot of fun, but I guess it was all a lie.


Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: California
Itstoohard
Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, July 19th (Saturday)

I'm so sorry Dkrms15.(hugs) when you find out so many years later it changes you whole history. I thought my husband was "just" a flirt but it appears that's a big red flag for poor boundaries. Glad you're here the people so SI are wonderful .


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
Sleepingbeauty
Member
Member # 43792
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, July 21st (Monday)

D krms 15 It suck to find out years later because he robbed you of the choice of weather to stay or go. I fI would've have and sp does. we had seven years of me not knowing but my instinct wouldn't let it rest. when I fond out the truth I was both devastated and relieved. I wasn't crazy after all. He had spent a lot of time trying to convince me that it was all in my head. We (I) did try ad work things out. We went to IC, MC, and read a lot. He only put in a little effort. He figured it was the past and over. For me it was a struggle and by the time I thought I had healed he was and is out the door. I don't feel bad about the years that we tried but think long and hard about what you do. I think a lot depends on weather the FWS is truly remorseful or just sorry he got caught

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, July 21st (Monday)

Dkrms15

Almost 5 years ago, I found emails...started looking b/c H was acting really weird...that gut feeling they talked about spurred me to investigate...I never felt the need to investigate before...not in 35+ years! Short version...he was having an A with an old gf...one from even before me that I had never heard of. Okay, so I am thinking this is bad...this hurts...he's having a midlife crisis thing...etc. Then the real shocker...ha had an A with her 20 years before when our oldest was just a toddler!

MY husband would never really cheat...flirt, sure, but not BETRAY me and our family! We were happy....! I am such an idiot.


All these years, I NEVER KNEW??? He kept this from me???

You should ask your H if he really thought that you knew, did he think you just never ask him about it? Also the confession of the old A...that baffles me as well. Did he just feel the need to confess??

When I confronted my WH about the emails and he told me who she was, he confessed about the A 20 years prior. I wondered why ...after all these years. I think it was b/c he felt like it justified his current A with her...old gf...buried feelings, etc.

You will find that the current A hurts in one way, but he past A has other consequences. In my case, we were happy then...starting careers, family, first house...pressures, but we were close, secure...I thought. How could he have done that back then and me not even suspect?? How could he have kept it a secret all these years? How can I ever believe him after such a huge 20 year lie? Who else knew and did not tell me?

First...you were a trusting spouse...that what a spouse is supposed to be. You are supposed to be able to blindly trust your life partner. YOU are not crazy.

We raised 2 great kids and had a lot of fun, but I guess it was all a lie.

Me too...40 years and two kids and a lot of life...good and bad together. It wasn't ALL a lie...but he is not the person you thought he was...now you know. Whatever happens, now you know the truth.

He swears that there were no others, but how do I know???

You don't and may never...things have changed...the blind trust is gone. That doesn't mean your M can't survive, but things are different. In my case, it is the same OW...I am supposed to believe that they had the 2 A's 20 years apart and that was all. As far as others, he says no, but ???

I don't post here...on this thread... a lot and probably should look here more b/c the old A are definitely harder to deal with in the long run. The current A have more sting but finding out about deceptions from years before, lies of the past, have deeper consequences I think. While you are in MC, ask questions...all you can.


Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
Sleepingbeauty
Member
Member # 43792
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Cross roads

You will never know if there were more or all the details of the ones you do know about. For many FWS the As really meant so little to them or ith time the have truly forgotten many of the details.

I think one of the hardest things is for us the BS to go back in time and remember and wonder the hat ifs? I read here someplace and I don't remember exactly where but do not let the knowledge of what you ws did rob you of your past.
Your past is as you remember it. Hang on to those good memeories/ At first this is hard but after awhile I got it. Don't let them rob you of what you felt. Your feelings were and are real.

You will never trust agin the ay you did before but that is okay. I have read that it takes twics as long to recover from an A as the the A lasted. For those of us who found out years later we hae the added burden of knowing our sPs lied for however many years. I think even these M can recover if both partners put in 110%. I also feel it important to listen to you gut. It knows.


Posts: 195 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
Dkrms15
New Member
Member # 44105
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)

So, 20 years apart...once a cheater, always a cheater? Are we foolish to try again? We still enjoy each other's company, the sex is good, the counseling is moving us forward, but a third betrayal would kill me.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: California
Sleepingbeauty
Member
Member # 43792
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)

Dkrma15- I really don't know. I think if both the WS and BS want to make it work it can. For me the second time was the end. He choose the OW but I don't think I would've gotten over a second betrayal.

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
SMSA925
Member
Member # 43955
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

Oh, Dkrma!

WH had affair with a newlywed OW 24 yrs ago. We were not married then, I was the pregnant GF. This was before the age of Facebook, smart phones and even email. Her BH found out and my then WBF backed off. Baby was born, I found out but R'd, we got married and life went on. I never had a problem like that again until Jan, 2014. Guess who? Yep, OW from 24 yrs ago. Crazy thoughts go through your head. I didn't know how they had left it, 24 yrs ago. Maybe "I'll always love you but this is such bad timing"? Maybe now was the right time? Had they been seeing each other on and off over the years? All I really know is they didnt hit it off so well this time. Hes now 61 yrs old., not the young passionate guy she remembers. And she is menopausal mother of two, not a pert young newlywed. I know just about everything about this recent encounter, but almost nothing about the first. And now its all brought up again. So many unanswered questions. Dont know yet how its going to play out with us.


Me: BS; 55
Him: WH 61
Together 32 yrs, Married 20
DDay April 17, 2014

Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Phila. PA
grneyes72
Member
Member # 44375
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

I'm new here. Found out 6/7 that my husband had an affair with another mom from my son's sports team 8/2011-early 2012. It supposedly started right before I was diagnosed with cancer and continued through my surgery and treatment. I was able to read messages between them from 10/4-6/1. I know it did end. I just don't know what to do. I love him. He says he loves me and is sorry and will do whatever it takes to keep his family. He swears that was the one and only affair and it was a huge mistake. He wanted to go to counseling and we have started marriage and individual counseling. I however feel like I may not want to continue with the counseling. We have 3 kids. Have been together almost 19 years and married for over 13 years.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Aug 2014
Dkrms15
New Member
Member # 44105
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

After 19 years, I think you owe it to yourself to give counseling at least a few month's chance. I totally understand the desire to cut and run, but think of where you want to be 5, 10, or 20 years fom now. That being said, if I knew then what I know now, maybe I would have been better off cutting my losses and moving on...

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: California
grneyes72
Member
Member # 44375
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

I just don't know what to do. Football starts this week and I will see OW. I have not decided if I should confront her or not. I am all over the place.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Aug 2014
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, August 11th (Monday)

grneyes72

you are so close to dday and this is still such a shock...just take one day at a time. You have a lot to process. Honestly, I think I would focus on the IC...MC is great if WH is willing to put effort into it, but realize you will need him to answer questions.

Seeing the OW...bless your heart. Do you talk to this woman at games...know her? If not I would hold off on confronting.

Dkrms and SMSA

think of where you want to be 5, 10, or 20 years from now.

This is so true...I'm in my late 50's ...I need answers ...life is short.

Crazy thoughts go through your head. I didn't know how they had left it, 24 yrs ago. Maybe "I'll always love you but this is such bad timing"? Maybe now was the right time? Had they been seeing each other on and off over the years?


Drives you crazy doesn't it? I don't have much to go on as I didn't even know she existed until 5 years ago.


Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
Sillyshiloh
New Member
Member # 43900
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, August 14th (Thursday)

I found out exactly 3 months ago that my husband had an affair with someone 11 years ago when I discovered some emails from her dating back to 2003. They never knew one another prior to meeting at an open house at his work although they had lived in the same small city and had friends in common growing up. She took his business card and proceeded to email him at work and started flirting......he informed me that she was very complimentary to him and he responded to her email...at first it was all innocent and then they started to get more personal. He informed me that it was mostly an email relationship...and they only physically met 3 times (during his business trips in the city she lives) first time casual dinner, second time -invite to her apartment when infidelity occurred and third time to let her know that it was a mistake and prevent her from exposing him (because cording to him, he realized that he loved me and knew he made a huge mistake......RIGHT...HE GREW A CONSCIENCE after he slept with her...... I know that he has more than likely downplayed the affair and of course, I am having such a hard time believing him. What kills me is that I am unable to confront the other woman and get closure as she lives in another city and is also somewhat unstable. My counsellor warned me that no good would come from confronting her because she even felt the woman was unstable. I really want to let her know that what she did with my husband was no ok (she knew he was married and had 2 small children). She has NO IDEA that I even know....she continues to travel and enjoy life while I am left here to pick up,the pieces of my shattered marriage. My husband is coping with the emotional roller coaster I'm going through....but some days it is soooo.....hard. Why does she get to live her perfect little life without any consequences!!!!... I know she isn't the one who betrayed our marriage but she was an equal participant in the decision to sleep with my husband....shouldn't she have some consequence? I digress, as you can see....the wound is still fresh. I just want to be happy again.....and at this point that doesn't seem to be attainable :(


Me - 47
WS - 48
Together 30 years - married almost 25

WS betrayed me 11 years ago....just found out.

DDay, May 15, 2014


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, August 14th (Thursday)

SS...It is normal for you to be curious and angry at the OW and to want her to feel your pain, even though she is a stranger to you.

It is normal to want the karma bus to run over her and back up several times.

But ... like you said, she knew what she was doing...her moral compass is NOT the same as yours...there are a lot of OW like that out there. Contact with her would serve no purpose and may even make it worse.

I am 5 years out and at some point she WILL be insignificant to you.

Your energy needs to be directed on YOU...you are early in the healing process. IC should help.

You found emails from that far back! My first question to WH would be why were those emails not deleted long ago?


Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
Sillyshiloh
New Member
Member # 43900
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, August 14th (Thursday)

Crossroads....thank you for your reply. I am currently seeing a counsellor and am trying to get past it....unfortunately, it is all consuming. I really think it would have been so much easier had the affair happened in the present so that at least I could figure out if my husband really felt guilty about it.....I think I could get over the affair if I knew that he truly felt remorseful. Since it happened 11 years ago, and he has be long over it, I don't think I will ever really know. That is what I struggle most with...yes he betrayed me and hurt me, but I do believe in forgiveness as people are human and make mistakes....however in order for me to fully forgive I need to know that he was truly sorry back then...something I will never be able to reconcile.


Me - 47
WS - 48
Together 30 years - married almost 25

WS betrayed me 11 years ago....just found out.

DDay, May 15, 2014


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
Sleepingbeauty
Member
Member # 43792
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, August 14th (Thursday)

SS -I have a theory on why you found those emails all those years later. You might not like it. My H had an A seven years before I found out and the ony ay I found out was he admitted it in C. Our MC was so astounded by this she asked other C and they all seemed to think he wanted me to end it.

I didn't. I went to IC and did al the work to try ad overcome this heartbreak. Fast forward four years he has had another A and this time left for the other woman.

If your fwh is truly remorseful and trying to fix things I still say try but if it doesn't seem to you or you feel it in your gut that he is Ii say run and run fast


Posts: 195 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, August 15th (Friday)

SS

My H had an A with an old gf 25 years ago. 5 years ago he looked her up and another A began.
I found out about the one 5 years ago through emails he left open (I think he did that intentionally so I would find them). When I confronted him, he confessed about the one 20 years before, so I was dealing with a present A and a past one. Not sure which was hardest.
I had to deal with the present one first...he was still in contact for a while and in the fog. Once in R, I still had to deal with the past betrayal...to me the fact that he did not tell me all those years made it worst. What your H needs to realize is that even though he may have put it way behind him, you are dealing with it now as if it happened yesterday and that ultimately, it has changed a lot of things in YOUR life and your M and that can't be ignored.
I knew most of the people my H knew as teens...he was 20 when we started dating (40 years ago) and I had never even heard her name. The fact that another person that you never even knew existed had such an impact on your life is overwhelming.
Just take baby steps...forgiveness will come ...or not. Don't put the pressure to forgive on yourself. I love my H and we are R pretty well, but I can't say I have forgiven him.


Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
trustedg
Member
Member # 44465
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 22nd (Friday)

Oh my - a topic I can really identify with. We have been married over 40 years, always had a good relationship; we actually really “like” each other. About 25 years ago I was going through some medical issues and my H and I were not having sex. The OW, a friend of mine, married to his good friend, approached him. He told her he would have sex with her as long as she understood it was just sex and nothing more. He figured he wasn’t “getting any” and it was just sex, not much different than masturbating. She agreed and they met up once or twice a month when I was out of town on business. Eventually, after about a year, he got disgusted with himself and with her and stopped it. He said he felt horrible about it and decided that would never happen again. Says it was the worst mistake of his life.

I am not sure why but either during the A or just after she decided I needed to know, started dropping hints. I didn’t want to believe either one of them would do this so I guess I went into denial. A therapist told me it is common, you don’t want to go there because it will hurt if you confront the issue, you also are afraid of the outcome. I think if I had confronted it at the time I would have left him, no discussion, no questions, just gone.

Life went on, everything was been great. Relationship was good, we continued to be friends with the OW and her spouse (I still didn’t know for sure what happened and tried to bury it). I know OW had cheated on her first husband multiple times and had cheated on her current husband. The OW definitely has issues, I have caught her in a lot of lies, not sure she knows what the truth is. She and her H don’t get along well, always arguing, nagging, tells people he “won’t give me a divorce”. Silly – no one has to “give” someone a divorce, you go get one. She had an A with another of her H’s friends and was caught. I also found out she had come on to another friend and was caught “making out” with a married man at a party. I do believe she would leave her H if anyone else would have her.

A couple of years ago, for some reason, the OW started saying weird things to me about my H. I am pretty sure nothing was going on, not just because he swears it wasn’t, but there was no time or opportunity. I won’t go into details but OW was talking about what a good relationship they had as friends, try to make me feel insecure in my relationship, belittle me, make me doubt the marriage. Saying things you would never say to another woman about her husband.

It finally got to me and I confronted my H, DDay Dec 2012. He fessed up about what had happened 25 yrs ago. It was hard to take even though I kind of knew anyway. I emailed OW, told her I knew and not to contact either of us again. The OW kept breaking the no contact for a bit, at least 6 months, contacting both H and me. I caught her lying about it and when I let her know she was caught she went into a rage. H stopped answering his work phone for a while but she seems to have stopped now.

I went to counseling, it helped a bit. My H has done everything he can to make it work. He offered to attend MC but not sure that is necessary so we didn’t do it. He checks in often, I have access to his computer, phone, email, etc. Of course I know there are many ways to get around that – other email accounts, another cell phone, etc. If someone is going to cheat they will. Since DDay H has become more attentive, more romantic, our sex life is good (although ugly thoughts sometimes creep in), very thoughtful, and for the most part does not get upset when I lose it and get angry all over again (when does that stop??).

So – 25 years from the betrayal, almost 2 years out from DDay, and still trying to deal with the hurt.

I do still love him. I am not sure I will ever completely trust him again. I am not sure I will ever forgive him. One thing I know for sure is I will never forget, and I really wish I could do that.


BS
DDay 12/2012

Posts: 68 | Registered: Aug 2014
Sleepingbeauty
Member
Member # 43792
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, August 22nd (Friday)

Triustedg- i know dealing with the hurt is hard but it sounds like you and your fws have come a long way. I wish you well and may your m continue to grow and get better

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
Itstoohard
Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, August 22nd (Friday)

Tristedg- almost 2yrs from dd here and A was 24years ago. Still trying to deal. (Hugs)


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, August 23rd (Saturday)

Trustedg and all....

it is interesting that you remember that you had "clues" and denied them...I wonder if maybe I did the same thing...maybe just suppressed them. I asked H when and why way back then? He really has issues with memory and time frames, but told me how old our oldest child was at the time of the A. I have racked my brain trying to remember if there were clues...any gut feeling I had back then and can't really think of anything that stands out. As I remember during that time we were pretty happy...busy, but happy...????


Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
Sleepingbeauty
Member
Member # 43792
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, August 23rd (Saturday)

Crossroads- it does happen that there wasn't any clues or as you say you were busy and may have missed them. Also remember WS's are very good at hiding things and pulling the wool over our eyes. Don't beat yourself up for not "seeing". If possible work on the now.

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
trustedg
Member
Member # 44465
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, August 23rd (Saturday)

crossroads2010 (and all)
My WS says he has trouble remembering details and I guess he is telling the truth, it was 25 years ago. Perhaps that is good in some respects but it leaves me wondering exactly when and what we were both doing at the time.

I see pictures of us together from that time frame and wonder how he could stand there next to me while lying to me, while doing her on the side. I think of things we did together during that time and wonder how he could do those things with me while deceiving me, while betraying me.

Ugh - hard to get passed all this.


BS
DDay 12/2012

Posts: 68 | Registered: Aug 2014
Sillyshiloh
New Member
Member # 43900
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, August 26th (Tuesday)

Trustedg

I know exactly how you feel. I scoured photos of that time frame and read my journal looking for any clue that something was going on...I unlike most of you had NO clue this happened. I was dealing with a lot right around that time and obviously my focus was not on my husband. I look at those photos that depict a happy marriage and feel absolutely betrayed I was the dutiful wife while he was the selfish. I don't know if I will ever get over this.....I'm just taking one day at a time

My H has been very attentive and loving and attended MC ...it isn't pall smooth sailing yet...I doubt it ever will be again. I take each day as it comes and try not to dwell on the thing I cannot change. Still trying to figure out if I can live with his betrayal and the 11 years of lies


Me - 47
WS - 48
Together 30 years - married almost 25

WS betrayed me 11 years ago....just found out.

DDay, May 15, 2014


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 4:16 AM, August 26th (Tuesday)

11 years of lies

I think the years of keeping it a secret are the worst part of the betrayal. How could he face me all those years after...20 in my case...and not tell me? The OW was not part of our group of friends, but there was a couple that we were friends with...long time friends that must have known. I feel betrayed by them as well.

The time of the A WAS a busy time...we were both working, I was in school, small child, etc., but we were very tuned in with OUR life then also. I don't think I was not paying attention...just never had A on my radar...ever...never imagined he would cheat on me. Back in 80's there were no cell phone, internet social media, etc. Nothing to hit you in the face. If he said he was going fishing I believed him...working late...okay...I'll keep dinner warm. Such trust


Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
Sillyshiloh
New Member
Member # 43900
Helpless  Posted: 8:59 AM, August 26th (Tuesday)

Crossroads,

I know exactly how you feel. I never had a clue. At the time we were building a $60,000 addition to our family home. We booked our first vacation without children at the same time this affair happened. We went on that trip 4 months later and had a wonderful time....no idea....no remorse on his part, that I could tell. Heck maybe this was his way of clearing his conscience.....showering me with "gifts" so to speak......but I was so trusting of him and secure in our marriage that it never dawned on me that that was what he was doing. I can see it now to some extent.....in all honesty I think I may have figured something out if it weren't for the fact that I was dealing with my fathers cancer treatments at the time. For many years he has told me he wants to grow old with me and that I am the love of his life and the best thing that ever happened to him. The sad thing is, he keeps telling me that he never stopped loving me. How can I believe this when I keep questioning how, if he truly loved me, he could make a decision 11 years ago to have sex with another woman that he knew would break my heart and destroy the marriage?! THAT is what I struggle with.


Me - 47
WS - 48
Together 30 years - married almost 25

WS betrayed me 11 years ago....just found out.

DDay, May 15, 2014


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
trustedg
Member
Member # 44465
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

Yes - mine was 25 years of lies from by WH. Also 25 yrs of lies from a "friend" (OW).


BS
DDay 12/2012

Posts: 68 | Registered: Aug 2014
Topic Posts: 375