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Wayward Side
User Topic: The Life Boat
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)

Reconciling is hard. There is a lot of advice on what to do for the BS and how to help them. This is something that I put together for WS who need to “fix” themselves. “Take what you need and leave the rest.“

Batten down the hatches and ride out the storm. Anchor yourself and stop rocking the leaky boat.

First thing first. You blew up your marriage ship. It is dead in the water and it is your fault as the WS. There is a life boat. You and your spouse escape the floundering ship in the life boat. Now, there is a storm of the century barreling down on your little life boat and you need to hang on.

1. There is no room in the life boat for the AP/OP/OM/OW. NONE, NO ROOM AT ALL. If you keep them in the life boat with you it is going to sink. If you throw them overboard and keep trying to pull them back in or they keep hanging on the side YOUR BOAT IS GOING TO SINK! The only way to get them out of your life boat is to tell your spouse everything, EVERYTHING. Timelines-to-toenails. Once that is all out in the open all of the extra weight in the boat is gone and you have a chance to survive.

2.Your BS is busy. Your BS is bailing water like mad, trying to keep themselves from drowning in the bottom of the life boat that you have them trapped in. They can’t stop bailing during this storm to soothe you, to comfort you, to make sure you are okay. Suck it up, man up, woman up and help bail. They are in the boat with you, as long as they are in the boat with you then you have a chance. You have the chance to save your spouse and yourself. DON’T WASTE IT.

3.Your spouse is exhausted. The Storm drops down to a steady rainfall. You are in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. You are both still in the boat. When your spouse can’t bail anymore it’s up to you to save you both, so start cleaning out the bottom of the boat. It will feel like you can ever find the bottom, that the water just keeps rising. KEEP BAILING! Even if your spouse is passed out. YOU HAVE TO KEEP BAILING TO SAVE YOUR LIVES! This life boat is the only chance you are going to get to save your marriage, it’s small, rickety, and leaking. Despite all of it’s flaws this life boat is all that is saving you and your spouse.

4. Getting ready to work. The storm has passed, the skies are still overcast, it’s cold, windy and miserable and you are still stuck in the middle of a turbulent sea with a spouse that doesn’t trust you in a leaky, crappy little boat. You can’t make your spouse trust you. All you can do is COMMIT to saving yourself and your spouse.

5. Prepare yourself first. Get it clear in your mind that you are in it for the long haul and reassure your spouse that you are not going to leave them alone in the life boat. EVER! You are going to stay in that life boat until your spouse throws you overboard. Tell them that over and over again. Let them know you are working your ass off to keep them safe. Your spouse can’t help you. They are exhausted, wounded from the blast, battered by the storm. Asking them to help you would be like asking a Prisoner of War to fight for the country that captured them. It is just wrong. You need to gather yourself together. Rinse off the dirt and grime, find anything useful floating in the water that might help you fix the life boat.

6.Repairing the life boat. You need to find all the tools and material to fix the life boat. You may have to dive to the bottom of the ocean and salvage an old ship wreck. You may have to paddle your life boat around to find flotsam and jetsam to use. Start at the bottom. These tools consists of IC, Books, Self healing, resources such as SI, etc… Use the tools and materials that are at your disposal to clear out all of the murky water and start repairing the floor of the life boat.

7. There is mud, muck, seaweed and dead fish in your boat.

****The dead fish have to go first. They are thoughts of the OP. Why the hell are you missing them? If you miss them so much get a divorce. That is the bottom line. If you leave the dead fish in the boat, all that you are going to get is a life boat that stinks of death, decay and rotten fish. They were a anatomically correct life-sized blow up doll and they used you in the same way. Put them where they belong. Out of your thoughts.

****The seaweed is next. This in the idea that somehow your spouse’s behavior before the A added to the reasons that you had an affair. Yep, you heard me. The A is 100% you fault. Is 50% part of the overall marital problems his? Nope. If your thinking was messed up and led to you have an Affair, it was and is probably messed up thinking about the dynamic of your marriage. You can become tangled in marital history and lose sight of what you are fighting for, lose your commitment to saving your marriage.
I’m not talking about rewriting the marriage history to justify an Affair. I’m talking about subconscious blame shifting onto the normal problems that a marriage faces. Like when your husband didn’t pay attention to you even when you tried to engage him.

EXAMPLE:
“We never talk anymore.” you say.
He says, “What do you want to talk about?”
You say, “I don’t know.” Feeling irritated that he doesn’t get it.
He says, “Okay, How ’bout those bears?”
You say, “Forget it.” Disgusted because he is belittling your needs.
He says, “Okay.” He kisses you and goes back to watching the game.

Now, looking at the above example, this isn’t a conversation where blame can be placed. Bad communication, yes. Neglect of affection, No.

*****There are exceptions to this. Alcoholics, Beaters. Notice that I said Normal marital problems.*****

****Muck is a little trickier to clean up. This is inside you. The why’s and reasons. Muck is slimy and has a tendency to slip through your fingers. Muck is the guts of your internal issues. Every individual is different, each individual has different issues, be they FOO, SAb, SA, Drugs, Mental disorders… the list is endless. It is your job to find each slippery part inside you. Your BS can’t help you do this. It has to be something that you do for yourself and by yourself. You can report it to your spouse or not, depending on what you are comfortable with. If you do share this journey with them make sure that you reassure them with each report that none of your issues have anything to do with them, that they didn’t cause the issue, and that you don’t expect them to fix it.

****The Mud. The mud has to be rinsed away. This is your self acceptance. Forgiveness if you like. Divine or from the self. Without forgiving yourself you will always feel dirty. I put the Mud last because without doing all of the work if you forgive yourself it is just cheap forgiveness. It is false forgiveness, a lie to yourself to make you feel better and to let yourself off the hook. Real forgiveness requires reflection, exploration of self, an intimacy with yourself, and understanding who you were then is not who you are now. (Changing who you are is more than an idea that you conceptualize, it is consistent action over a substantial time period. You know when you have achieved change when you actively are consistent and it becomes second nature to correct yourself before you step wrong, instead of stepping wrong and then fixing it.)

Your little life boat hits land. Whew, your both on solid ground again… All of the action, change and accomplishments that you have achieved at this point will help you. The sad fact is, all of the change in yourself that you accomplish may not save your marriage. Your spouse may not have waited for you to finish cleaning the boat. They may have jumped into the sea before you were done. They may have swam into the sunset. If that happens, don’t give up on yourself. Fixing and finding yourself will keep you afloat even if you are alone. What happens if your spouse has braved this journey with you now is not your choice. Your spouse may choose to walk away. Solid ground does not erase the fact that you blew up the marriage ship to begin with. You owe it to yourself, if your husband, family and marriage is your choice, to commit to your marriage completely from the moment you climbed on board the life boat. You can’t take a dip in the sea to test your BS and see if they really want you in the life boat. You have to stay the course. Tie yourself in. Even thinking about abandoning the life boat can sink it. If you are standing there rocking the boat, eventually you are going to fall out or knock your BS out of the boat.

That means DO NOT say:
“Get over it.”
“It’s been long enough.”
“Are you going to punish me forever?”
“Do you want someone else?”
“Maybe you don’t really want me.”
“I should just leave because…”
“I can’t change who I am…”

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 9:14 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)]


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
deathbybetrayal
Member
Member # 22478
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)

No stop sign so I just have to say that I love analogies, and this is one of the best I've ever read here.

Continued success to you and WAL.

DBB


Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Jan 2009
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)

Great post wincings,

I can see that I am stuck in the mud because I am not done cleaning out the other stuff from the boat. Back to work.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)

Awesome!


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6115 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)

((wincings_sparkle))

EXCELLENT!



Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3282 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, May 6th (Thursday)

Excellent indeed and the timing couldn't have been better.....

Thanks wincings.....


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6023 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, May 6th (Thursday)


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Lost68
Member
Member # 27515
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, May 7th (Friday)


Posts: 1476 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Sevilla
iwantamiracle
Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, May 7th (Friday)

awesome analogy...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6052 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
prayformiracle
Member
Member # 22845
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, May 7th (Friday)

awsome, right on. very inspirational.


Iwantamiracle, you are my everything, I will love you always and forever. Life without your smile, your love is empty and sad.
I will not stop working on me on us, I will not stop caring, will not stop loving you, ever. Faithfuly and commited.

Posts: 412 | Registered: Feb 2009
kluelesskat
Member
Member # 23552
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, May 8th (Saturday)

Wow wincings, you rock!
Seeing this from the WS side of the story has a huge impact on me.


Me - BS
Him - WS
MOW - Ole fatty w 2 others on the side besides mine and her husband

Posts: 215 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada Eh
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 8th (Saturday)

I would love to see this be an article in the Healing Library. It's awesome.

Fantastic analogy and so easy to understand.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29710 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
trying to smile
Member
Member # 9683
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, May 8th (Saturday)

definitely healing library material.


Good Women.
May we know them,
May we be them,
May we raise them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dday1 Aug 2005
Dday2 Aug 2014
I should have listened when he showed me who he was the first time.
Divorcing

Posts: 6280 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: The Land Down Under
aloneinthedark
Member
Member # 27904
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, May 9th (Sunday)

I like it. Thank you.


BS, married 17 years.
2 young children.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Mar 2010
GeauxTigers
Member
Member # 28301
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, May 9th (Sunday)

Great comparison, sparkle. Thanks!


Sigh... how did I end up here?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Nashville
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, May 14th (Friday)

Thank you to everyone who responded.

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 7:31 AM, May 14th (Friday)]


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 14th (Friday)

this is so amazing, wincings sparkle - i wish i'd had this to give to my WS on dday. healing library, for sure.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
Wishful Thinking
Member
Member # 27137
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 14th (Friday)

Great post, WS.

I hope my BH reads it.


"To Thine Own Self Be True"
FWW: 38 (me)
BS: 40 (him)
Married 14 years, seperated since D-day. Moved back 9/6/10.
The whole truth: D-Day 12/24/09
Nothing But the Truth: Now, always
Working on me to save us, hoping to reconcile with the

Posts: 303 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: MN
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 14th (Friday)

WT: Just curious, What do you think your BH would get out of reading this post?


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
GeauxTigers
Member
Member # 28301
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, May 14th (Friday)

WT: Just curious, What do you think your BH would get out of reading this post?

Not WT, but I would answer:

clarity, empathy, and hope


Sigh... how did I end up here?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Nashville
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, May 28th (Friday)

Thank you GT.

GT is close to WT. An explanation is always welcome.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Crossbow
Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, May 29th (Saturday)

Excellent analogy. Thank you for writing and sharing this. Excellent.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 24th (Thursday)

bump. because this is awesome!


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
stillinshockx2
Member
Member # 28638
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, June 25th (Friday)

BW here. I would give anything if my WH would use this analogy to get us to R, and during R. But 13 weeks after DDay #2, I don't think he will. I want to send it to him, but it would just be begging and chasing. And he is too angry, too defensive to see that it would apply to the work he has to do. He would turn it around and accuse me of failing to do it.


Me: BS, 48; Him: WS, 52
DDay 1 - EA (denies PA) 6-13-05
DDay 2 - EA (denies PA) 3-30-10
DDay 3 - 8-04-10 WH living w/30 yo OW2; still denies PA despite PI proof and won't admit he lives with OW2
2 children (D20, S18)
M 25 years; together 8

Posts: 321 | Registered: May 2010
AREYOUKIDDINGME?
Member
Member # 27864
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 28th (Monday)

BS here. Thank you for writing this. I am going to try and get my WH to read it. Keep bumping for others.


BW-Me 39
D-Day #1 02/09/09 D-Day#2,#3 03/28/09, 03/29/09....Trickled for months. 10 OW
Updated 6/11. Now Married 18 years, 4 boys, 2 daughter-in-laws, 2 princess's born, and 1 cowboy on the way. And the new dog that saved my life many times tha

Posts: 365 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: In a Black Hole just South of Hell
Lost68
Member
Member # 27515
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, July 3rd (Saturday)

Bump

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Sevilla
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, July 18th (Sunday)

Bump for new members.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
tryingtofindaway
New Member
Member # 29078
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, July 19th (Monday)

What's crazy is that the little lifeboat is more loaded with stuff than the big ship that got destroyed. I'm thankful for the analogy because it fits excactly what I am feeling since I came clean and sunk that ship.

Posts: 50 | Registered: Jul 2010
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, July 19th (Monday)

What's crazy is that the little lifeboat is more loaded with stuff than the big ship that got destroyed.


Well, you could look at it as the ship was to big, it created a massive distance because there was to much room for a WS to hide in. When you are in the life boat, it pares it down to the basics. All you have is your spouse, you and your own crap that you have to clean up. All you have to think about is your spouses survival and your own survival. You and all of your crap were on the ship... you just had it all hidden in different compartments and never took the time to throw it overboard.

Coming clean didn't sink the ship, the Affair did. Coming clean gives you a chance to survive in the life boat.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
tryingtofindaway
New Member
Member # 29078
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 19th (Monday)

Thank you wincings. That makes perfect sense. I may not of noticed how much was on the big ship, but I damn sure knew where everything was hidden and even better where I could hide.

I'm glad it's gone the big ship and all it's hiding places. Even if we make it back to shore so she can walk the opposite way I am thankful all those cubby holes are gone.


Posts: 50 | Registered: Jul 2010
HurtinginHell
New Member
Member # 29028
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, July 21st (Wednesday)

Printed it off. Excellent post, a very accurate analogy.


D/Day
23 June 2010

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Southern Hemisphere
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, August 1st (Sunday)

Bump for newbies


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, September 3rd (Friday)

bump


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, October 28th (Thursday)

bumpity bump bump for another classic post. Hard earned wisdom should always be shared.


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3282 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
Just plain wrong
New Member
Member # 26921
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, October 29th (Friday)

Wow wincings it is amazing how something so simple can seem so difficult until it is put in the proper perspective. That was pretty damn cool.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Dec 2009
Just plain wrong
New Member
Member # 26921
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, October 29th (Friday)

[This message edited by Just plain wrong at 7:18 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 48 | Registered: Dec 2009
tablehasturned
Member
Member # 29930
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, October 29th (Friday)

Wow, thanks again HUFI, another great bump. And wincings....OMG!! I am so glad there are eloquent writers, thinkers and posters in the world like you ... such an inspiration. Thank you.

So sad that I am tangled up in all this seaweed. My one hope now is just to get my BH safely to the shore so he can get out of the boat with his dignity and faith that not everyone will treat him so badly as I have. And maybe on that shore, I can finally rinse off in a nice cool rain shower of the new better me.


Me:fBS now WW(44)Him:fWS now BH(44)
M: 17(tog.25) 2dS(5 & 7)
my DDays:4/19/06, 3/30/09 False R. his DDay:10/25/10 Status: filing for D Hogarth to Iron Giant: "You are what you choose to be. You choose. Choose.

Posts: 64 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Gulf Coast
Lost68
Member
Member # 27515
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, November 12th (Friday)

Bump

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Sevilla
Lost68
Member
Member # 27515
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, January 2nd (Sunday)

Bump

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Sevilla
KickedintheGut
Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, January 4th (Tuesday)

bumping because I just came across it and am hoping my WH will start reading on SI.


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
WhatHaveIDone??
Member
Member # 30054
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, January 6th (Thursday)

Bump. Just coming across this for the first time - VERY well written wincings! Thank you so much for sharing with us.

I am still working my way thru the Muck - it is hard work but well worth it! Who knows when I will be able to get to the Mud....but then again who cares how long it takes as long as you are doing real work!

((wincings))


Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2010
WhatHaveIDone??
Member
Member # 30054
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday)

Bump for LostGuy.

Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2010
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Happy  Posted: 4:46 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday)

wincings_sparkle ~ Thank you. I am so proud of you. BW here, and what I get out of this is: HOPE. If you get it then it is entirely possible that my WH gets it, too.

WOW! I really hope my WH reads this.

I have thought through your analogy a little further....

The destination of the Ship of Life may very well be different than the destination of the Life Boat.

Either partner may or may not appreciate the new destination.

I pray my destination is somewhere tropical!


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, February 3rd (Thursday)

Well done, wow!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 6908 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
WhatHaveIDone??
Member
Member # 30054
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, February 11th (Friday)

I just stumbled on this again tonight and wanted to bump it for anyone who has not read it yet. It is a great perspective and a wonderful analogy.

Thanks again wincings!


Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2010
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, February 25th (Friday)

Wow! ~ Bump


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, February 25th (Friday)

I really hope they will put this one in the library, too!


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, March 10th (Thursday)

It was time to bump this back to the front where it might be read again and the wisdom in it shared once more. BUMP!


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3282 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, April 12th (Tuesday)

A friend asked where this post was. Bump, here it is.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
LostMySoulMate1
Member
Member # 31833
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, April 12th (Tuesday)

Great post.


ME:BW42 HIM:WS40 MARRIED19years 2Teens DdayFeb2009.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Australia
outmymind
Member
Member # 31673
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, April 12th (Tuesday)

Excellent work!!


ME-BS42 WS-37 last DDay 11/1/10

Posts: 189 | Registered: Mar 2011
jdt1973
Member
Member # 31750
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, April 13th (Wednesday)

Thanks for this post. This is what I needed to read today!!


After all is said and done, just shut the hell up.
WH(me) 38
BS 38
Togethher 21 years, married 19
5 kids - 17,15,12,10,2
DD#1 4/2001 - EA/PA
DD#2 10/2009 - EA/PA
DD#3 1/4/2011 - EA/PA same AP as DD#2
R - trying hard

Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Texas
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, May 10th (Tuesday)

Bumping for a friend.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Feb 8, 2011
Member
Member # 31137
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 11th (Wednesday)

Great post...I wish my WW was ready to find it on her own.

She's expecting me to fly in with a rescue chopper.

Seriously, I am very encouraged and optimistic with my recent visits to this forum. At the same time, I am also disappointed in my WW who, while she does want us to stay together, seems to want it to not take much work other than being nice to each other and spending more time together


D-Day see username
and maybe March 11, 11
ME: 45 yr old BH
Her: 40 yr old WW
3 kids
married 11 years
Who is this woman in my house?!

Posts: 717 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: canada
isthisforreal
Member
Member # 30926
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, May 11th (Wednesday)

wow, this is outstanding. FWH will be reading this tonight.


BW me 47
WH him 52
married 24 years
DD 9/15/10
3 incredible teenage daughters
"it only hurts when I breathe"

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jan 2011
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, May 11th (Wednesday)

Wow, this is wonderful, wincings.

Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
Just-a-Statistic
Member
Member # 31244
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, May 11th (Wednesday)

Excellent!!! I'm with Feb 8... Unfortunately after a great start I think we hit a plateau and the boat is taking more and more water. I am passed out. He can't swim. Being nice to each other, doung more stuff together and having more sex seems to be his recipe for R. I am teetering on the edge today... Hope that there is a life jacket on that damn boat!!!


Me: 50; Him: 52
DDay 6/1/11; 3 known OWs

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: far away
WhatHaveIDone??
Member
Member # 30054
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, May 11th (Wednesday)

I still love this thread!!!

I stick with my original post...still working my way thru the muck. I am finding there is a lot of muck, but I am working thru it. Somedays I wonder if there is an end to it - not in a hopeless way but from the perspective that if you don't clear up the muck completely it can come back.

The mud is far on the horizon, but I think I am beginning to see it. We shall see.

Thanks again wincings for posting!


Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2010
nothingman
New Member
Member # 30347
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, May 15th (Sunday)

Yes, a most awesome post and analogy. Thank you for your wisdom and another vision to keep in my head.

I continue to work on my mud and muck, and with each handful that I get out, there seems to be another, thicker handful to grab under it. I'm hopeful I'll get to the bottom of that pile as long as I keep digging with both hands...

I am also very hopeful that when we hit that shore that there on that island there is everything we need to build a new marriage ship. A strong and beautiful one that we can build together with our whole hearts. One that is worthy of my wonderful and beautiful BS.

I have hope for that shore. I have hope for that new ship. I believe I have the strength and resolve to get there.


Me : WS 40
Her : BS 40
married 15 yrs
Dday 11/26/10

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2010
chancesrup
Member
Member # 32015
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, May 15th (Sunday)

This is just what I needed today. Thank you.


Me BS 32
Him WH 40
Whorefaced gutter pig: Old HS gfriend, single (thanks SI for the name:)
DS 5 yrs, DD 4 yrs

DD1 1/11, DD2 4/11 and the TT just keeps on coming.. but is slowing down


Posts: 346 | Registered: Apr 2011
Shattered-Heart
Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, May 15th (Sunday)

Thank you so much for sharing this. I have shared it with my WS and can only hope he uses it. You are so right about exhausted, blown apart and adrift. I agree with others this would be nice to see in the library, I just happened across it here hoping to find some insight and 'Why' from the other side of the fence, so to speak. Thank you.


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 181 | Registered: May 2011
GeauxTigers
Member
Member # 28301
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 15th (Sunday)

One of the first threads I remember from when I joined SI. Words and techniques just as true today. Well done, Wincings! Hope you and WAL are doing well.


Sigh... how did I end up here?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Nashville
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, June 12th (Sunday)

Bumping for a friend.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, July 15th (Friday)

You will get there, just keep working one stinky fish at a time.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, July 17th (Sunday)

Another BS here... this helps me to see that some WSs can be repentant. What hope for their BSs! I wish my WH would come to this kind of understanding.

To all of you who are working through your muck and your mud, keep working! You are amazing and I hope you are able to find reconciliation with your BS!


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13859 | Registered: Jul 2011
brokenheartedrn
New Member
Member # 32391
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, July 17th (Sunday)

Thank you for posting this.
Maybe my wh will understand this analogy.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Bel Air, Md
Burl
Member
Member # 31747
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, July 17th (Sunday)

Thank you



me FWH, 43,
wife BS 43
5 beautiful kids, 6-14 y.o.

DDAY Dec 2010
MC since Dec 2010

both going to IC
LTA
Doing everything I can to help my beautiful wife heal from the anguish and pain I have caused.ounting on a miracle


Posts: 65 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
DeeplyRemorseful
Member
Member # 32796
Content  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 18th (Monday)

Wow!!! Absolutely the BEST simply put, inspirational analogy I've ever read. My H/ BS has awesome analogies. This one was absolutely perfect. Think I'll share this with him tonight when we are home together. LOVE IT!!! Thank you.:)


DD 10/09
WS 40/ME
BS 45/HIM
No children
Married gtb 11 years
Been together gtb 20 years
Greatful every moment of every day my husband is here, we're together as a unit giving reconciling our best. Giving my husband the best of
me for as l

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: DeeplyRemorseful
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, September 27th (Tuesday)

Bump for friend.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
keepinghope
Member
Member # 33313
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, September 27th (Tuesday)

This is exactly what I needed to read tonight. I was about to go to bed and decided to log on real quick and see if there were any new posts up. Thank you for bumping this up on the thread list.


Me: WW (29)
Him: BH (29)
DDay: August 31, 2011

Posts: 89 | Registered: Sep 2011
MrsSprky99
Member
Member # 32895
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, September 29th (Thursday)

This is an awesome analogy WS....thank you so much for giving us BS's hope!!!


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 53
Married - 14 years
3 Children - 25, 24 from first relationship & 10 y/o with WH
D-Day: June 11, 2011

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Northern IL
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, October 2nd (Sunday)

Bump


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, October 18th (Tuesday)

For friend.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, November 12th (Saturday)

bump for some newbies.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
helpemegetoverit
Member
Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, November 12th (Saturday)

Wow, how have I never seen this?? Excellent analogy. Brilliant really. I love that it really pushes the fact that it is ALL our fault....too many BS take took much blame for '50% of the marital problems.

This should be required reading for BS and WS. Thanks for bumping, not sure how I have missed it in the past. I don't read every post but do normally read if they are bumps


Me: WW
Him: BH

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you."
John Green


Posts: 882 | Registered: Nov 2010
SilverSprings
Member
Member # 15195
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, November 12th (Saturday)

Well done!

Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: South of the Mason Dixon Line...
lostsuol
Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, November 16th (Wednesday)

This need to stay on the 1st page! Thanks WS.

Posts: 814 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
ShatteredOpal
Member
Member # 27467
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, November 20th (Sunday)

Boat analogies will work beautifully with my situation. WH himself used the image of realizing that he may have torpedoed our marriage. Boats have been central to our relationship.


BW-47, married 24 years, together 27
WH-49, has LTEA w/ExGF, 25 years (minor PA)
Final no contact 4-2010
2nd A- 10-1-11 through 11-3-11
D-day 11-3-11 through 11-6-11
PA- mainly kissing until the last night when they had sex.
R- so far so good

Posts: 220 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, February 15th (Wednesday)

Requested Bump for friend hope it helps.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
heartstabber
Member
Member # 34079
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, February 22nd (Wednesday)

I also like this analogy - it really hits home. We need to heal ourselves in order to help heal our BS.

My H sent me this link and the first time I read it I cried. The muck & mud. Forgiving myself... That is a very difficult task, but it is such an important part in helping my BS heal.

Thanks wincings_sparkle


Me: WW
Married: 15 years
DD: November 2011

Let's eat Grandma. Let's eat, Grandma. Commas save lives.


Posts: 164 | Registered: Dec 2011
OktoberMest
Member
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, February 22nd (Wednesday)

Thanks for bumping. Great read...well written. :)


Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, March 12th (Monday)

bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
2_4giving4_2long
Member
Member # 34008
Default  Posted: 4:53 AM, March 13th (Tuesday)

You really get it wincings_sparkle

That's all I'm asking from my WH. I am so tired but working like a mad woman with a pail bailing the water out of the sinking boat. However, my bucket is getting more holes in it :-(


Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011
lifeblowntobits
Member
Member # 33687
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, March 16th (Friday)

wincings sparkle this is awesome!! printed it for fWH to read as it sums up exactly where I am at 8 months out! Thank you!

**bumping this for some BS in R forum!


Me-BS-44, Him-WH-45-very remorseful
OW-Married, opportunistic co-worker whore
DD#1 7-30-2011: everything else lies until 2-12-12
Married 11years, DS19y, DS15y
2.5 years out: in a good place, light at the end of the tunnel


Posts: 1646 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Illinois
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, April 9th (Monday)

bump


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Lost333
Member
Member # 35182
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, April 9th (Monday)

Really liked this-helps me conceptualize the work I need to do.


Me:29,WS/BS Him:27, BS/WS (DontTreadOnMe) His Dday 2/19/12. My Dday 9/29/12
Married: 2 yrs, together 4 1/2

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin


Posts: 689 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Midwest
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, May 3rd (Thursday)

Bumping for newbies


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
foundoutlater
Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, June 1st (Friday)

Buumping for someone in need


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1143 | Registered: Jul 2011
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 12th (Sunday)

Bump for a new guy starting down the right path.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Remorsefulguy
Member
Member # 36435
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, August 12th (Sunday)

Thanks! This definitely helps.


Me: WH (32)
BS: 41
Met: September 2003 Married: March 2004
Porn-free for: 16 Days
Previous D-Days: 8/09, 9/17/11
Latest D-Day: 8/10/12 and last!

Posts: 82 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Rock Bottom (Climbing Out)
MyNewReality
Member
Member # 36512
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, August 17th (Friday)

I'm a longtime lurker, and I just wanted to share how meaningful this analogy was for me as a BS. The Waywards who post in these forums are so brave and thoughtful. I sent it to my WS and hope desperately that he can keep bailing when I'm too exhausted.


Me: BS, 33
Him: WS, 36
Married: 10 years
DDay#1: 4-4-12
DDay#2: 8-14-12
R: ?

"Rock bottom can become the solid foundation on which to build your life."


Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2012
ptsdrecon
Member
Member # 36031
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, August 24th (Friday)

Bump...
Nice...


Me BH (48)
Her FWW (39 + 1/2)
Married 12+
2 Angels 8 10
D-Day Feb 1 2012
6 month EA PA

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, August 24th (Friday)

My WH and I are both sailors. I think that this is one that I definately need to share with him.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5090 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, September 3rd (Monday)

Bump.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, October 11th (Thursday)

Bump for a newbie


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5155 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Teach8
Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, October 13th (Saturday)

Bump


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, October 15th (Monday)

Bumping for another newbie.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2878 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)

Bumping for a friend.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Bokomo
New Member
Member # 37498
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)

Brilliant. Thank you for an exceptional post. Thank you


WH 28 / BS 27
M: 3 years, together 5, knowing 19
1 DS
D-day 1/12; TT to 12/12
- Divorcing but working on R. -
"English isn't my first language so excuse any grammar mistakes"

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, November 29th (Thursday)

Bump


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2878 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, January 7th (Monday)

this one hasn't been bumped for a while.. also helpful.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
Both in IC/MC. Finally in R.
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 884 | Registered: Jul 2012
Belle29
Member
Member # 35501
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, January 7th (Monday)

The timing of this is perfect. Thank you for such an honest post.


Me: BS
Her: WS
DDay: 4/27/2012

It's a rollercoaster ride for sure......and I never did like rollercoasters. That's why I got off.


Posts: 154 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Dallas
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, January 15th (Tuesday)

Bumping


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, January 18th (Friday)

Bump


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)

Bump


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2878 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)

Bumping from Page 8 - Yikes!!


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

Bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
pizzalover
Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

Bump - love this. I'm going to clear out my lifeboat.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 513 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

BS here. I read this forum a lot. It helps me understand my H mindset a little more. What it also did (I was not expecting) was allow me to feel empathy towards the Unfaithful partner as they faced the damage created and dealt with some long-time ghosts. I also see the determination to repair and rebuild.

Great post Wincing! I read it and can point to where we are right now.

When D-Day came around, I kept hearing Annie Lennoxs' Why, in my head with the tired-sounding lyrics..."this boat is sinking, this boat is sinking".

I don't hear that song anymore.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2590 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
happierdays
Member
Member # 38537
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, April 8th (Monday)

This is such a wonderful analogy, I'm going to send it to my WH. I think it might help him see our lifeboat is lost in the fog.


Me - 40
WH - 41
Dday - Oct 7, 2012
Dday 2 - June 4, 2013
Married - 7 years
2 daughters, 9 years old and 1 month old

Posts: 146 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada
Burl
Member
Member # 31747
Happy  Posted: 1:37 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

Bump

Its hard work. Its worth it but it may take 2-3 years


me FWH, 43,
wife BS 43
5 beautiful kids, 6-14 y.o.

DDAY Dec 2010
MC since Dec 2010

both going to IC
LTA
Doing everything I can to help my beautiful wife heal from the anguish and pain I have caused.ounting on a miracle


Posts: 65 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, May 10th (Friday)

*bump*.

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 7:00 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

For a friend, bump.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

Great thread of your to bump...thank you


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198804 | Registered: May 2002
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 29th (Monday)

bump


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2798 | Registered: Oct 2012
my2sons
New Member
Member # 40216
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

Wonderful analogy! As a newbie, this is incredibly helpful.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

bump


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Newbies...


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
hurtsobadinside
Member
Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

No Stop Sign here.....

Thank you..and this is so insightful and so...on the mark!

I'm with all the others that think this is "Healing Library" material

it's Just Fabulous!


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, September 13th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 7986 | Registered: Dec 2010
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

bump


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38660 | Registered: Sep 2007
Teach8
Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

Bump


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, September 27th (Friday)

Bump


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1145 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Bump :)


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Bump.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Bump for Elasticman.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2798 | Registered: Oct 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, January 13th (Monday)

bump


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Thanks for the bump I just came to to post on the crap that just hit me. I was having a good morning in fact we both were and I went to do my nails and bam, the crap the guilt the sadness the loss the anger all of it just dropped back to the bottom.

I need to post this or tag it in a return to spot or in my journal. To remind myself .

Thank you , I will crawl out of that headspace and tie myself back in. and keep cleaning out the muck and maybe one day I can forgive myself.

Thank you for the bump.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
Sparkle0504
Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

Bump


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 247 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Prayingforhope
Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Big BUMP! I just read this because Hufi-Pufi recommended it and I am so glad I did. I am in this boat and I am bailing out the water with everything I got!!!


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
Shayna71
Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Had to post here so I can come back to it any time I want. Will be sharing this with my H as soon as I can.

Wonderfully Written!


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I just read this, awesome analogy!


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
beautytoashes5
Member
Member # 41900
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Gave it to my WH to read. He loved it.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
HotMessInTX
New Member
Member # 42417
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Second time reading this.. one of the posts I read on here that has been the most helpful. Thank you!


DDay: 2/01/14

Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
time2grow
Member
Member # 35983
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Good analogy! For those in R, I wish you the best.

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Missouri
4everfaithful83
Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, February 27th (Thursday)

bump - I love this post


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Lobo
New Member
Member # 42456
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

This is powerful stuff, thank you.


Imagine a world where the words you speak appear on your skin. Would you be more careful of what you say?

Posts: 32 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Australia
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

Bump


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
brokeback
Member
Member # 41726
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

Thank you, thank you. :)

Amazing.

[This message edited by brokeback at 2:31 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]


ME 43
BS 38
1 Child 3 years old
Married 18 years
DDay - 10/2013. EA 9 months. PA 4 months. Ended the affair 11/2014



Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, May 12th (Monday)

Bump


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, May 12th (Monday)

This was a very good post. Plan to share it with my WH.

Thank you


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
Matilda23
Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

Bump - just a reminder for myself.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 131 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
Prayingforhope
Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)

Bump


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
Trying2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Great! I really love this! I'm going to share this with my H. Thanks so much for sharing!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 336 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
Sparkle0504
Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, May 25th (Sunday)

Bump


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 247 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Matilda23
Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Bump again


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 131 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

Bump


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1445 | Registered: Dec 2012
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, September 19th (Friday)

bump


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3160 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
losthope13
New Member
Member # 44626
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, September 21st (Sunday)

BS here. This was great. It does put everything inn perspective. Thank you.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2014
Macsecond
Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, November 12th (Wednesday)

Bump


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 young kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
pizzalover
Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, November 13th (Thursday)

Wow! This was fantastic! Thanks for writing this.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 513 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
sparrow74
Member
Member # 44661
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, November 13th (Thursday)

that was helpful
thank you.


Me: WW EA 8 months/PA 2 years
Him: BH
Married: 11 years
2 children: 6 and 10


Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2014
PenitentMan
Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, November 21st (Friday)

Bumping for IslandA


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)

Posts: 466 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 154