The Book Club
User Topic: What books helped you the most through infidelity and/or divorce
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 4th (Sunday)

I am an avid reader, so when infidelity suddenly dropped in on my marriage, and stayed, I turned to books hoping to find a path out of the pain and confusion. Here is my list of the most memorable / Helpful:

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
This book was the start of my own healing, and understanding that what I was experiencing was common in infidelity. If I had only one book to recommend to anyone experiencing infidelity, this would be it. *****

Storms Can't Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce
Gabriel Cohen
I heard this author on NPR, and something resonated with me. The book was profoundly instrumental in my healing. And I am not a Buddhist. *****

Getting Divorced Without Ruining Your Life: A Reasoned, Practical Guide to the Legal, Emotional and Financial Ins and Outs of Negotiating a Divorce Settlement
Sam Margulies

Of the MANY books I read on divorce, this one was the most sane. *****

The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat
Elizabeth Landers
A very quick read. Kind of silly, yet it proved to be remarkably accurate. In the past 3 years I have read it several times, and I come away, feeling oddly better, as if what is unfolding in our marriage and divoce is just par for the infidelity para-course. ****

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life by Susan Anderson

Many people on this board have recommended this book. I too found it helpful, though not life changing. ****

Loving What Is: Four Questions that can Change Your Life
By Byron Katie

This book gave me the essential tool set (the four questions and turn around) to stop the looping mind chatter and recognize how much "story" I had about who my husband was. *****

Happily Ever After: Walking with Peace and Courage Through a Year of Divorce
by Kristin Armstrong

The Christian author, was the wife of bike rider Lance Armstrong. Some good daily insights that were, and continue to be helpful to me. ****

Other books I remember as making me laugh (at times):

Little Bitty Lies: A Novel
Mary Kay Andrews

Summer read kind of book, with infidelity as part of the plot. Funny ****

Mennonite in a Little Black Dress: A Memoir of Going Home
by Rhoda Janzen

The authors husband left her... for a man. Funny at times, snarky too. The Mennonite thing adds an interesting twist and is really about moving on. ****

Happens Every Day: An All-Too-True Story
Isabel Gillies

I remember reading this book and thinking too self "umm hmm, same for me, yes, most of us go through this too". *** stars.

[This message edited by luv2swim at 3:03 PM, July 4th (Sunday)]

Me: BS
Married 24 years
incredible kids
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married 2011

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, July 4th (Sunday)

Not Just Friends by Glass, the most comprehensive

Sexual Detours by Holly Hines, really explained the dynamics of the affair, the FOO issues, and convinced me the A was not my fault.

Crucial Conversations, a great book on discussing emotional topics. Written for business, but applies in the M.

Love Languages, crucial to our R, we now understand so much of the mis-understanding of our M.

No More Mr Nice Guy, we both read it.

dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4147 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Member # 4933
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 4th (Sunday)

Add to the list Private Lies by Frank Pittman. Surprisingly supportive for the BS.


Posts: 218 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: DC area
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 4th (Sunday)

Here are my recommendations...

For understanding the psychology of infidelity:

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Private Lies by Frank Pittman.

Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships by Diane Vaughan

For rebuilding my marriage:

The Secrets of Happily Married Men by Dr. Scott Haltzman.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

For my spiritual growth and rebuilding:

What Happy People Know by Dan Baker

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:18 PM, July 4th (Sunday)]

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Posts: 5716 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, July 5th (Monday)

Definitely "Not Just Friends". I bought that book four times because I kept loaning it out to people and never getting it back. It was worth it, every time.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 4270 | Registered: Sep 2005
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, July 5th (Monday)

I've read many books as well, but "Don't Call it Love" by Patrick Carnes was *it*. I've bought this same book a few times over, too.

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, July 5th (Monday)

Thank you for sharing these! I've alwasy been an avid reader....let's just say the "topic" has changed dramatically!

BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
Member # 9046
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Private Lies by Frank Pittman

Split: A Memoir of Divorce by Suzanne Finnamore

Fiction: Watermelon by Marian Keyes

Me: BS (39)
Him: WS (40)
Married: Six years, D Day 11/8/05
Divorce final: Nov 06
Two gorgeous sons: 10 and 8

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: KY
Helen of Troy
Member # 26419
Target  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)

In the Meantime. This one was reccomended here on SI.
Excellent read!

Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser. Warning she is a WS, could be triggery. It wasn't for me.
She was remorseful, marriage ended anyway. It was a lot about how crisis can help us grow. She mentions stories of other people (not infidelity related) who have gone through major crises and made it through.

Still looking for a copy of
The Road Less Traveled made the mistake of buying a used copy of the expanded version with slightly different title and it's not as good.

Why Men Marry B*tches Title is misleading! It is a book more about having good boundaries while dating or in a new relationship, and how to go about that. It is not a book about wife-bashing.

*Thank you for Storms Can't Hurt the Sky rec., that sounds like something I'd be interested in.

**I've read so many self help books, a lot of them were not helpful to me.

Posts: 4725 | Registered: Dec 2009
Helen of Troy
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)

More just thought of:
The Four Agreements

A Short Guide to a Happy Life

Posts: 4725 | Registered: Dec 2009
Red Sox Nation
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, July 9th (Friday)

I became addicted to Anita Shreve's novels. No bad deed goes unpunished.

In one of her novels she became so pissed off at her protagonist that she simply threw him off a bridge on the final page.

When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1911 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, July 9th (Friday)

1. Not Just Friends-the bible

2. You, Him&the Other Woman-very in-depth with stages,feelings, how to break up a triangle

3. The Script-amazingly accurate

4. 5 Love Languages-makes perfect sense

5. Divorce Busting/Divorce Remedy-describes the 180

Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed

Posts: 1758 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
Member # 16725
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, July 10th (Saturday)

For realizing I wasn't crazy after all when I discovered his lies: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

For helping me through the grief following separation: How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Peter McWilliams, et al

For the manic days following D: Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford

For perfectly summing up the rollercoaster of S and D: Split: A Memoir of Divorce by Suzanne Finnamore

For learning to deal with the carnage of the whole ordeal: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson

“There is a limit to the amount of misery and disarray you will put up with, for love, just as there is a limit to the amount of mess you can stand around a house. You can’t know the limit beforehand, but you will know when you’ve reached it."

Posts: 931 | Registered: Oct 2007
Member # 15177
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, July 12th (Monday)

For me it was Not Just Friends, and I'm soon going to check out Crazy Time and some of the others mentioned in this topic.

[This message edited by Traumatic at 1:35 AM, July 12th (Monday)]

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: USA
Member # 24263
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, July 12th (Monday)

For me, the writings of Steve Hagen and Brad Warner really helped me. Both are Buddhist writers, and helped me to realize that much of the pain I felt was due to the gap between the woman I wished my STBXWW would be and the woman she actually was.

Even now, when I hit a down spot, much of the time it's because I am having expectations of her that are beyond who she is.

Not sure if that actually made sense - I need coffee.

Posts: 2767 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: MN
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, July 19th (Monday)

Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dr. Ortman.
He really understands how traumatic the aftermath of infidelity is...and he has a lot of great advice as to how to get over the trauma....whether you end up reconciling with the WS or divorcing.

Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA

Posts: 3164 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Member # 29173
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, August 5th (Thursday)

I'll have to check out "not just friends". Right now is getting rich off WH and myself.

Me- BS 40
Him- WH 45 - SA
DD1 - 4/3/09 DD2 - 7/15/10 DD3 - 8/10/10 The truth and details of his Sexual Addiction
Married 16 years 1 child - 16y.o.
Reconciled and working recovery

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2010
Member # 5939
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, August 6th (Friday)

Not Just Friends
Love Must be Tough
When Your Lover is a Liar.

Not helpful: Divorcebusting. How I wish I had never found that website and book.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Of course it helps to know you *have* enemies.

Posts: 2889 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Florida
Member # 1713
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, August 11th (Wednesday)

Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford

To Do No Harm

Posts: 5608 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: planet earth
Member # 13172
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, August 11th (Wednesday)

FWS here, I found the following two helpful:

Not Just Friends by Glass, the most comprehensive

Sexual Detours by Holly Hein

Adultery: The Forgivable Sin by Bonnie Eaker Weil (good introduction book to FOO issues).


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2007
Topic Posts: 20