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User Topic: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
tryinginmi
Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, December 17th (Friday)

This book may have been discussed before on here, by oh my I had to bring it up.

It's like reading a text book about my life, and my husband's life. I have the kindle version, and I swear I highlighted nearly half the text.

At first FWH and I picked this book as we are having major issues with his FOO. He is only now after the A realizing that his family is not perfect and everyone else is crazy. Something that I have been trying to convince him of for years.

When I started to read the book I thought it would just help me achieve some insight into his family, only to find out that I had not resolved all of my own FOO issues.

The difference here is my family has never been in denial that we are messed up, but his family thinks they are perfect and loving.

Wow, what an education I am getting. It was such an easy ready, and had so much great information that I would highly recommend it to anyone with FOO issues.

Just the few passages I read to FWH had him going OMG, yea, that's exactly what happened.....etc.

I just downloaded the "Toxic In-Laws" by the same author. I'm hoping to learn some better strategies.

I'd love to hear what others have thought.


Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 1006 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
Crossbow
Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, December 18th (Saturday)

I found this book in my mid-20s, thank God, and it was an enormous help. I finally could make sense of parts of my childhood.

My father was very into belittling, making up nicknames that I hated and calling me by them, I could never "win" in any situation with him, he never showed signs of approval, etc.

My mom said I should just ignore it, just let it go, it's in the past now, blah blah. And I felt bad that for some reason I couldn't just drop it and "get over it."

This book showed me that it really was a toxic and abusive situation, and helped me to resolve many of my FOO issues related to my verbally/emotionally abusive dad.

I'd recommend this book to anyone.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, December 18th (Saturday)

Speaking as a parent, not a child, I find this topic very challenging, to say the least.

I was lucky enough to grow up in a wonderful household. My husband, the cheater, grew up in a terrible one. Of course, the therapists say that is why he cheated. Whatever.

Now I look at my adult children who act irresponsibly or in a disappointing manner to me, and they probably blame me. I thoughtI was a great mom. I know husband had faults as a dad, but I thought I did a damn good job helping my chldren deal with his flaws.

How long do you blame your parents, who probably did the best they knew how, for your own failures. At what point do you own yourself?

I will be curious to find this book.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Jul 2002
tryinginmi
Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, December 18th (Saturday)

They discuss that very thing in the book.

I have two boys of my own. After reading the book I found things that I was doing to my own children, and have already tried to break the cycle. Some of these things were the same things I hated my mother for allowing, and yet I was repeating the same mistakes. It opened up issues I had in my own upbringing that I did not recognize or thought that I was already "over". (remember I was reading this trying to understand my FWH's family)

I always blamed my mom for all the bad childhood memories, and was a daddy's girl. Dad very rarely lost his temper with me, but was emotionally abusive with my mother and physically and emotionally abusive to my sister. It was mild compared to most people's stories....but that does not make it hurt any less.

I realize now that I was mad at mom for "saying things or doing things" she knew would set dad off. And I was also mad at her for not protecting us more or herself. Yet I thought dad could do no wrong. Grrrrr Major contradiction in my thought process.

And I have relived the same thing in my marriage until the A. I am going to reread the second part of the book and work through some of the exercises and hopefully be able to start making adult decisions, instead of allowing my childhood to still have control over my life.


Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 1006 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, December 18th (Saturday)

Off to find both books...thanks for sharing! We need something to help with both of our FOO issues.


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/34 The kidlets: DS14, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11592 | Registered: Dec 2009
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, December 22nd (Wednesday)

I have too many FOO issues to count and my NPD mother continues to be a toxic force in my life.

Thanks for the recommendation. Perfect timing for me.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
tryinginmi
Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, December 23rd (Thursday)

Well I have read both Toxic Parents and Toxic In-Laws now. I swear that people that have A's are not the only ones that read a text book.

I can quote so many direct sentences from the books that I have heard my IL's say SOOOOO many times.

and they think I'm sick. OMG! It did really help to write the confrontation letter (though I will not send it per IC since I sent a very harsh one already). It helped me release a lot of the anger, and both give many good ideas for how to deal with different situations, communication skills, and how to get your spouse to see the problem if it's their parents.

VERY good books!


Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 1006 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
formerlyteflon
Member
Member # 16725
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, December 23rd (Thursday)

I read Toxic Parents a few weeks ago and wow, did they nail it. I feel like it is a must-read for anyone from a toxic FOO or is close to someone with a toxic FOO (which, sadly, I think covers almost everyone!).


“There is a limit to the amount of misery and disarray you will put up with, for love, just as there is a limit to the amount of mess you can stand around a house. You can’t know the limit beforehand, but you will know when you’ve reached it."

Posts: 931 | Registered: Oct 2007
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, December 23rd (Thursday)

Took it out of the library yesterday. I doubt I will find my parents were toxic--I had a wonderful childhood, but wonder if I'm a toxic parent now that I'm a BS. Am anxious to get started.

Posts: 5632 | Registered: Jul 2002
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, December 28th (Tuesday)

Well I'm not a toxic parent but muy husband, the cheater, sure had one. I always knew she was not a good mom, but didn't realize how bad it as for her children. What I found interesting was how things like depression or illness make you a toxic parent. I could understand what the book was saying, but wonder how ill moms feel when they are doing the best they can.

I was so fortunate that I didn't have children in the home after and since d-day. So many of my behaviours would have been considered toxic, but there wasn't a damn thing I could have done.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Jul 2002
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, December 28th (Tuesday)

Oops, double post.

[This message edited by Skye at 9:33 AM, December 28th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Jul 2002
Mrs.Confused
Member
Member # 30485
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, January 2nd (Sunday)

I'm interested in reading.


It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. ~ Rose Kennedy ~

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: USA
lostinlove4ever
Member
Member # 27421
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, March 23rd (Wednesday)

This sounds like a good book. It is in my must buy list now.

One question though. What is FOO?


BW: 33 (me) WH:36
Children: 11yr & 4yr
Separated for 4yrs, soon to be D.

Posts: 905 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Los Angeles
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, March 23rd (Wednesday)

Family Of Origin


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2807 | Registered: Feb 2006
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, March 25th (Friday)

I liked this book. I read it well before I found out about my husband's A because we both just scream FOO and I've personally gone through YEARS of therapy to become a healthy person (as has my sister, and even my father started this after my sister and I were both adults...)

it's a great read.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Amerasia
Member
Member # 30483
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, March 25th (Friday)

It's like reading a text book about my life, and my husband's life. I have the kindle version, and I swear I highlighted nearly half the text.

I finished reading the Kindle version last week, and also highlighted several passages. The chapters/case studies of adults dealing with a parent's alcoholism were spot-on for me. Having responsibilities at the expense of my childhood, resentment at my mom's co-dependency, and repressed anger that my parents went along with the "status quo", and never took full responsibility for their behavior.

VERY insightful book that helped me address the fact that my FOO issues were tied into my A.


WW (Me): 42
BS (LosferWords): 38
DS: 9
D-Day 1: 11/27/2010
D-Day 2 (TT): 12/18/2010

Posts: 65 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Colorado
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, June 21st (Tuesday)

I'm reading this book now and can't recommend it enough.

It's amazing how she pinpoints the family roles. I can see both my sister and myself in the examples she gives.

I plan to discuss it with my IC this week.

Thanks for the recommendation.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
carnelian
Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 23rd (Thursday)

Thanks for the recommendations, just bought it.


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 564 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
inpiecesinnv
Member
Member # 26103
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 23rd (Thursday)

I am reading this book right now, and I can completely see my parents and my WH in it. I can see why they never got along - they all wanted to control me. I had major lightbulbs moments and still am. Although, it made me a little sad because I was reading this book while my mom was visiting and I was kind of standoffish to her and a little mean. She was still trying to guilt me (I hate that). I am find a lot of my parenting that I don't like is from my childhood. I am happy to find this book because I feel it will make me a better parent for my kids.

Posts: 192 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Nevada
tryinginmi
Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, August 24th (Wednesday)

I just read the book a second time. We have had so many interactions with IL's go so bad since Dday that we have finally greatly distanced ourselves.

I'm also interested in how depression an illness can affect the kids. I'm trying to use this information to be a better parent. I deal with depression anyways, and the A made that so much worse. For months all I did was hide in bed. Not good for my kids. I am happy to say that things are so much better now.


Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 1006 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, August 24th (Wednesday)

What skye said.

I'm looking for a book about Toxic Adult Children.

I know considering my particular set of circumstances, my parents were not perfect & I made mistakes, too.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, August 24th (Wednesday)

Didn't we all have Toxic Parents?

Actually, this books looks good.

I think there should be a Toxic Relationships for Dummies.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, August 25th (Thursday)

@ heart~


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
kevmo
Member
Member # 32906
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, September 12th (Monday)

You know what, not everyone has toxic parents. But when you grown up in a household with them (as I did), you THINK everyone is as crazy as your family is....or put another way, you normalize the dysfunction in your FOO. I know that's what I did. I think there ARE healthy families out there, but the perfect family just doesn't exist - except in the minds of Narcissists, who can't ever take responsibility for anything.

I am going to get this book. I'm already working with IC on my FOO but this will be an interesting read!


BW -me 44
WH 51

Together 7 years. Two d-days. In strong R for the past 3 years. "Looks like we made it....look how far we've come now, baby."


Posts: 189 | Registered: Jul 2011
Topic Posts: 24