The Book Club
User Topic: 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Member # 30505
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, December 25th (Saturday)

Who has read this? Tried to apply it to their life? Have any results?

I love the concept, and it seems very very applicable to all relationships in life, parents, children, friends, etc.

My love language is "Acts of Service", clearly. I found the more irritated I was at knowing he was lying and not being able to do anything about it, I quit folding his clothes. I only washed them because I couldn't just have dirty clothes piling up, but i would pile them and throw them on the side of the bed.

I have not figured out his love language, honestly, sex is a sub-language or dialect. I need to put more effort into trying each language out with him.

I do know it is NOT acts of service, he does nothing to show me his love.

It is not quality time because he is just a content to sit and watch tv with me in the room and say it's good enough (of course its somehow on me that we don't do more).

Maybe Words of affirmation because apparently I don't build him up enough as a man, yet, people are to speak in their love language, and he is not one to send words of affirmation my way.

Receiving Gifts. This is possible, and I could have killed it. Giving gifts includes just thinking of you things, not always $$$, much like the little gifts of little ones, notes, picked flowers, whatever. He isn't happy unless he is spending money, and that's where I killed it, I am too cheap, i wonder what bills should be paid rather than gift.

Physical touch, the one that sex is generally a dialect of, yet he doesn't reach out to me in a love language way. he has always been opposed to pda, i don't know, maybe i focus on increasing this first.

The affair wasn't the worst...

Posts: 400 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, December 25th (Saturday)

I bought it not long after XH moved out. I tried to read it and take the test, but I was too upset to do it and all the "Do you like it when your husband does this....?" really got to me. I couldn't finish the test and I haven't picked up the book since. I'll read it eventually.

Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1141 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, December 25th (Saturday)

I saw it mentioned here so I picked it up at the bookstore and sat down with it. Two hours later I realized I had finished the book, right there in the bookstore

I really enjoyed it and found it a great tool to learn about myself even. I'm Quality Time and I find it to be very accurate. I'm still taking guesses at wbf's LL but I'm almost positive he's physical touch.

me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
Member # 3522
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, December 25th (Saturday)

We have it and after the A it was one of the books we read together and put into practice. I can honestly say it really helped in rebuilding our marriage.

That was almost 9 years ago. Even though my LL hasn't changed (quality time) H's has. He used to have a real need for 'acts of service' so I went from a so-so housekeeper to a 'good' one. Making sure his laundry was not only washed, folded and put away, but I kept his clothes ironed and put away in the closet.

Over the past year or so though, he and I have revisited this. It seems his LL has changed to 'physical touch'. Not sex per se, but he has become MUCH more touchy feely. (I'm not very good at this so it's pushing my limits )

We found it very helpful to get us back on track again.

DD: 2/10/02

Me: BS - 50 (seriously???)
Him: FWS - 52

Fully reconciled.
I ♥ my Husband!!!

When life hands you lemons - break out the tequila and salt!

Yesterday is not today. Today is not forever.

Posts: 17763 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Here AND There! :-)
Member # 29772
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, December 27th (Monday)

WH bought this book a few days after I told him I wanted a D and for him to move out. He read a few chapters and I read a few but I couldn't really get in to it in the state of mind I'm in. Maybe later it might be a interesting read.

Posts: 113 | Registered: Oct 2010
Member # 29909
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, December 27th (Monday)

I read it and in turn my wife read it. I had an inkling of how it would go before hand. It did help my wife to see my point of view and by making some changes she has greatly improved my take on the marriage.

It is certainly worth reading if for no reason other than to understand that people receive love in different ways and that most people give love in the way they want to receive it. When you couple that with people that have divergent languages - that is where the trouble begins.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2010
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, December 27th (Monday)

I'm a believer.

It is not the be-all and end-all of relationship analysis and advice, but it's a really excellent framework to view relationships.

And it clearly identified some of the mismatches in my marriage.

More positively, My Lady and I both read it, and when discussing it we found we share the same primary and secondary languages.

That seems to be working out very well.

Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5181 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
looking forward
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, December 27th (Monday)

The Five Love Languages (How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate) by Cary Chapman (ISBN 1-881273-15-6 ~ The basic concept of the five love languages as defined by Gary Chapman is that people communicate and feel love in different ways. Dr. Chapman has observed five different categories in which people communicate or understand love.

Humans all need each of these different things, but typically there is one that really speaks to an individual heart. Without our primary need, none of the others in any combination will suffice.
Physical Touch - this person feels love when others touch them lovingly.
Acts of Service - this person feels love when others help them out or serve them.
Words of Affirmation - this person feels love when others verbally approve or affirm them.
Quality Time - this person feels love when others spend time with them.
Gifts - this person feels love when others give them thoughtful things.

You can't figure out what your H's love language(s) is/are. He has to know for himself. Are you communicating all this with him? Is he open to reading the book or at least completing the quiz online? Does he believe in self-help books?
Chapman's book is a valuable tool, IMO. There has also been a TV special which I taped for H and me.

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2854 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Member # 30505
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, December 28th (Tuesday)

H will not read the book it is not in his DNA. He has agreed to watch the special I have had recorded for months, we will see if that promise is kept. Otherwise if I find it on CD from library he will listen.

I disagree a bit however in that Dr. Chapman discusses at the end of the book to try different things for our mate to find their love language. He believes this can be successful even if one partner only is speaking one of these languages and when their language is discovered and their love cup is fu they will naturally express love in return if we are open to it.

The affair wasn't the worst...

Posts: 400 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 30485
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, January 2nd (Sunday)

I remember yrs ago reading and taking this quiz, I need to get book back out and reread. At the time it didnt really help but now maybe it will.

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. ~ Rose Kennedy ~

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: USA
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, November 24th (Saturday)

This was a great book. I would ignore the section on affairs (as with most brief affair sections in marriage books, it oversimplifies), but the main part of the book about love languages themselves was wonderful and inspiring. It's also much better in terms of needs than "His Needs, Her Needs" imo because it doesn't make you feel guilty for not initially knowing your spouse's language. Mr. Chapman made it more of an exploration process. Even though my H won't read it and won't take the quiz, I've used some of the author's other suggestions to try to decipher his and others' love languages. Great fun!! Like seeing the world in color.

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, September 20th (Friday)

I think it's a great book.

BS (me): 38
WH: 38
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 8 (daughter) & 4(son)
Divorced 12/2013
OW moves 10 min's away from kids and I with my Ex. 6/2014.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Iread it cimpletely and my H read most of it.

It just confirmed what we already knew. I did try some of the exercises. Will read again.


Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

DH and I read it when we first got together.

unfortunetly, sex seems to be the only language that DH understands. He rarely pays attention to me unless we are having sex like every other day.

After that is just a day in, day out daily grind living.

Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 35446
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

It seems you're speaking his love language but he is not speaking yours... unless yours is physical also.
Although physical love language is more then just sex....

D-day- 1/17/2012
2 Beautiful Girls
Future- unknown
"You are 50% responsible for the problems before the affair..WS is 100% responsible for choosing to cheat." Confused615

Posts: 157 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Northern NY
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

No, i dont think that mine is physical touch.

I identify with alot of them. When I think that words of affirmation is mine, i realize that it really pisses me off that he doesnt help me around the house more.

I don't know. I know he's not speaking my language, but if i don't know it then how is he supposed to?

Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 35446
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

It's very possible you have more then 1 love language.
You could need words of affirmation and task just as equally.
It sounds like the difficult part is getting your spouse to speak them.
(((Undefinabl3))) Good luck!

D-day- 1/17/2012
2 Beautiful Girls
Future- unknown
"You are 50% responsible for the problems before the affair..WS is 100% responsible for choosing to cheat." Confused615

Posts: 157 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Northern NY
Topic Posts: 17