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The Book Club
User Topic: The love Dare
lostrightnow
Member
Member # 30428
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, December 28th (Tuesday)

Has anyone read it or had there husband use it. It is from the movie Fireproof? Tell me your stories!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Dec 2010
LOSTinaBook
Member
Member # 30309
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, December 29th (Wednesday)

My WH and I watched Fireproof during one of our premarital sessions. We saw the Love Dare at the book store and WH said, "We have to buy it." It has not been touched or read unfortunately. What seemed like a loving gesture now feels so insincere and fake, since if I recall when the book was bought, he was talking to OP. Hope the book helps better for you.


fBW-me, 26 (now 29)
xWH-he

Divorced.
S (H e) B E (L i e) V E (d).


Posts: 318 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: East Coast
laughagain?
Member
Member # 30559
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, December 30th (Thursday)

Bought the movie and book a week after D day. We watched the movie together, was great movie, really opened our eyes to a lot. I started the book, found out he was still in contact with OW, upset me so I stopped. Since things are much better now I am going to start the book Jan. 1.
I think it is a great book and idea.


Me: BS 48
Him: WH 52
Dday 1: 9/9/2010 (2 days after 25th anniversary)

Posts: 57 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: United States
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, December 30th (Thursday)

We saw the movie and we both said we wanted to get the book. We never did and then DDay happened. We wanted our M to work so, we bought the book.

My h and I have both done the book. It definitely helped me to change some of my negative actions and it has helped him some, as well (not as much as I would like but it's a start ). The one thing I will tell you is that you have to want it to change you. If you are just reading it to read it or to please someone else, you wont get what you should from the book.

ETA: I am planning on doing the book again...just as a refresher. I am sure there is more for me to get out of it.

Also, if you like the book, there is also a daily devotional book that you can buy.

[This message edited by Mama_of_3_Kids at 9:09 PM, December 30th (Thursday)]


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11538 | Registered: Dec 2009
BrokenRoad
Member
Member # 15334
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, January 7th (Friday)

Have the book. Have the movie.
Second time through the book now, I did it back in 2008. Shhh dont tell WH5.


{Him}FBH - 43 (WifeHad5)
{Me} FWW - 43
2 kids 7 & 12
Reconciled :)
Beauty and folly are old companions.--Benjamin Franklin

Posts: 10596 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Midwest
Proview
Member
Member # 24215
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, January 8th (Saturday)

I own the movie. watched it 2 times and still didnt get it. Maybe i missed something. Everything in the movie seemed VERY slanted to me to portraying the firefighter guy as the heavy. He did all this stuff to make up to the wife, including spending his savings to buy medical equipment. WHERE IS THE love dare movie for the guys...one where the woman steps out and has to do all these things to make up for it...AND before you respond, i know the mother did the love dare on the father which helped turn their marriage around but i dont remember it saying that she had an affair on him. I dunno. maybe I just dont get it. Help please!


Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2009 | From: AZ transplant
Taurusinpain
Member
Member # 30284
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, January 8th (Saturday)

Saw the movie and bawled through 1/2 of it. We taped it as it was on TV recently and will be watching again soon.

FWH bought the book and has read it. He is doing it but not every single day in a row, depends on schedules and timing.


BW - 38
FWH - 41, SA since around 2005
Dday 4/9/10
Months and months of TT torture.
DD born 3/1/13
In R? Feels like going witht the flow.
Trying to get used to the new "normal"

Posts: 396 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: The worst place I can be - inside my own brain
CB1971
Member
Member # 30468
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, January 8th (Saturday)

I agree Proview.

I think men should do the majority of the chasing in the beginning of the relationship...but in a marriage? One in which SHE is doing the cheating?

No way.


40, Former BH
D-day: 7/06
Divorced: 4/09

Posts: 406 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Kansas
am I crazy
Member
Member # 21511
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, January 8th (Saturday)

H offered to do the book with me. Shouldn't he just do it?


BS 44
WS 48
Multiple OW on internet

"So, So what, I'm still a rock star, I've got my rock moves and I don't need you" ~ Pink

Life is great!


Posts: 270 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Lost, but looking for myself
Myname
Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, January 8th (Saturday)

CB and Proview,

I saw the Fireproof movie with WW, it was something that our MC wanted us to watch.

I said the same thing to MC. Why in the world did the guy have to do the love dare to "win" his WW back. She cheated on him. She should have been the one to try to "win" her BH back.

I have been to 3 different MC's and they all have had the approach that I (the BH) should be doing "love dare type stuff" to try to win WW back. WW agrees with these MC's, of course.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 2925 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
unicornsearcher
Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 12:31 AM, January 9th (Sunday)

Why in the world did the guy have to do the love dare to "win" his WW back. She cheated on him. She should have been the one to try to "win" her BH back.

It's been a while since we saw the movie, but from what I remember it makes it pretty plain that he had been a very horrible H for a long time. Including having a problem with porn.

At the start of the movie, you can see that he is upset that she (despite working full time) is not catering to him & giving him proper "respect". On top of that, when he starts screaming at her while she's been backed up against the wall, that's abusive. Her response is that she wants a divorce & apparently starts taking steps to get that done.

So I think the reason they had him do the Love Dare is because he had created the most damage to start. Once he started learning more about what real love is, he started realizing how much she had been there for him but he just hadn't appreciate it & expected the unexpectable from her. That opened the door for her to see that he could make consistent changes that lasted day after day beyond more than just a device to get what he wanted when he wanted it yet again. That he was capable of being a loving H & protect their marriage.

It's equally obvious that she does get into what is at least an emotional affair. Altho she had told him she wanted the divorce & did file (if I remember right) so she felt she was "single", she wasn't. If they did a good sequel to this, they would show her asking his forgiveness for her inappropriate hurtful actions as well. And she should have a friend as a wife that has to do the Love Dare to win back her H. That could make a good way to take the characters into the next chapter, watching them interact with a couple that's in trouble because of the wife.


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
CB1971
Member
Member # 30468
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, January 9th (Sunday)

A sequel would've been a good idea, but instead the movie seems to show that having a crappy spouse justifies an affair.

It's not a surprise, since so many people seem to think so in real life.

[This message edited by CB1971 at 8:52 AM, January 9th (Sunday)]


40, Former BH
D-day: 7/06
Divorced: 4/09

Posts: 406 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Kansas
latebloomer45
Member
Member # 18021
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, January 10th (Monday)

If you saw ONLY the movie, I agree, it seems like BH is "winning" back WW. (There were no previews at my screening, I missed the first five minutes, so it REALLY seemed like that.)

The book is more about-loving God equals doing your utmost to love others with His unselfish love. You do it for GOD, not for yourself and not for the spouse. In general the results should be positive for both halves of the couple because living God's way is always the right way. (In principle!)

I started doing it about 10 months after DDay, early on you ask the spouse 3 things they would change about you. My H gave me SEVEN. Two days later was when I was hit by the car. MUCH later when I was off painkillers and picked it up again, I was like "fuck it-he should be doing this for ME". And so it sits in the drawer.


Me: BS 52
Him: FWS 54
Married 28 years
Son-22 Daughter-19,
D-Day #1 12/11/2007
D-Day #2 5/23/2008 fucking trickle truth!
Whatever Threnody said, I concur.


Posts: 2093 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Chicago suburbs
unicornsearcher
Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 5:04 PM, January 10th (Monday)

Here's bits of the book:

DAY I

Be completely humble & gentle; bearing with one another in love. Eph. 4:2

Love is built on 2 pillars that best define what it is. Those pillars are patience & kindness. All other characteristics of love are extensions of these 2 attributes. That's where your dare will begin, with patience.

What would the tone & volume of your home be like if you tried this biblical approach: "See that no one repays another evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another" (1 Thess 5:15)

Few of us do patience very well & none of us do it naturally. But wise men & women will pursue it as an essential ingredient to their marriage relationships. That's a good starting point to demonstrate true love.

This Love Dare journey is a process & the first thing you must resolve to possess is patience. Think of it as a marathon, not a sprint. But it's a race worth running.

THE FIRST DAY OF THIS DARE IS FAIRLY SIMPLE. ALTHO LOVE IS COMMUNICATED IN A NUMBER OF WAYS, OUR WORDS OFTEN COMMUNICATE THE CONDITION OF OUR HEART. FOR THE NEXT DAY, RESOLVE TO SAY NOTHING NEGATIVE TO YOUR SPOUSE AT ALL. IF THE TEMPTATION ARISES, CHOOSE TO SAY ANYTHING. IT'S BETTER TO HOLD YOUR TONGUE THAN TO SAY SOMETHING YOU'LL REGRET.

Did anything happen today to cause anger toward your mate? Were you tempted to think disapproving thoughts & to let them come out in words?

--------------

DAY 2 Love is Kind

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other just as God has forgiven you. Eph. 4:32
Kindness is love in action. If patience is how love reacts in order to minimize a negative circumstance, kindness is how love acts to maximize a postive circumstance. Patience avoids a problem, kindness creates a blessing. One is preventative, the other proactive. These two sides of love are the cornerstones on which many of the other attributes we will discuss are built.

Gentleness. When you are operating from a kindness, you’re careful how you treat your spouse, never being unnecessarily harsh. You’re sensitive. Tender. Even if you need to say hard things, you’ll bend over backwards to make your rebuke or challenge as easy to hear as possible. You speak the truth in love.

Helpfulness. Being kind means you meet the needs of the moment. If it’s housework, you get busy. A listening ear? You give it. Kindness graces a wife with the ability to serve her husband without worrying about her rights. Kindness makes a wife curious to discover what the wife needs, then motivates him to be the one who steps up & ensures those needs are met—even if his are put on hold.

Willingness. Kindness inspires you to be agreeable. Instead of being obstinate, reluctant or stubborn, you cooperate, you stay flexible. Rather than complaining & making excuses, you look for reasons to compromise & accommodate. A kind husband ends thousands of arguments by his willingness to listen first rather than demand his way.

Initiative. Kindness thinks ahead, then takes the first step. It doesn’t sit around waiting to be prompted or coerced before getting off the couch. The kind husband or wife will be the one who greets first, smiles first & forgives first. They don’t require the other to get their act together before showing love. When acting from kindness, you see the need, then make your move. First.

Wasn’t kindness one of the key things that drew you & your spouse together in the first place? When you married, weren’t you expecting to enjoy his or her kindness for the rest of your life? Didn’t your mate feel the same way about you? Even though the years can take the edge of that desire, your enjoyment in marriage is still linked to the daily level of kindness expressed.

It is difficult to demonstrate love when you feel little to no motivation. But love in its truest form is not based on feelings. Rather, love determines th show thoughtful actions even when there is no reward. You will never learn to love until you learn to demonstrate kindness.

DARE:

IN ADDITION TO SAYING NOTHING NEGATIVE TO YOUR SPOUSE AGAIN TODAY, DO AT LEAST ONE UNEXPECTED GESTURE AS AN ACT OF KINDNESS.

What discoveries about love did you make today? What specifically did you do in this dare? How did you show kindness?

============

DAY 3 LOVE DARE: LOVE IS NOT SELFISH

“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.” Romans 12:10

If there were ever a word that basically means the opposite of love, it is selfishness. Unfortunately, it is something that is ingrained in every person from birth. You can see it in the way young children act, & often in the way adults mistreat one another. Almost every sinful action ever committed can be traced back to selfish motives. It is a trait we hate in other people but justify in ourselves. Yet you cannot point out the many ways your spouse is selfish without admitting that you can be selfish too. That would be hypocritical.

Why do we have such low standards for ourselves but high expectations for our mate? The answer is a painful pill to swallow. We are all selfish.

When a husband puts his interests, desires & priorities in front of his wife, that’s a sign of selfishness. When a wife constantly complains about the time & energy she spends meeting the needs of her husband, that’s a sign of selfishness. But love “does not seek its own” (1 Cor. 13:5). Loving couples—the ones who are enjoying the full purpose of marriage—are bent on taking good care of the other flawed human they get to share life with. That’s because true love looks for ways to say “yes”.

One ironic aspect of selfishness is that even generous actions can be selfish if the motive is to gain bragging rights or receive a reward. If you do even a good thing to deceitfully manipulate your husband or wife, you are still being selfish. The bottom line is that you either make decisions out of love for others or love for yourself.

Love is never satisfied except in the welfare of others. You can’t be acting out of real love & selfishness at the same time. Choosing to love your mate will cause you to say “no” to what you want so you can say “yes” to what they need. That’s putting the happiness of your partner above your own. If doesn’t mean you can never experience happiness, but you don’t negate the happiness of your spouse so you can enjoy it yourself.

Love also leads to inner joy. When you prioritize the well-being of your mate, there is a resulting fulfillment that cannot be duplicated by selfish actions. That is a benefit God created & designed for those who genuinely demonstrate love The truth is, when you relinquish your rights for the sake of your mate, you get a chance to lose yourself to the greater purpose of marriage.

If you find it hard to sacrifice your own desires to benefit your spouse, then you have a deeper problem with selfishness than you want to admit.

Ask yourself these questions:

Do I truly want what’s best for my husband or wife?

Do I want them to feel loved by me?

Do they believe I have their best interests in mind?

Do they see me as looking out for myself first?

Whether you like it or not, you have a reputation in the eyes of those around you, especially in the eyes of your spouse. But is it a loving reputation? Remember, your marriage partner also has the challenge of loving a selfish person. So determine to be the first to demonstrate real love to them, with your eyes wide open. And when all is said & done, you’ll both be more fulfilled.

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important as yourselves " (Phil. 2:3)

WHATEVER YOU PUT YOUR TIME, ENERGY & MONEY INTO WILL BECOME MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU. IT’S HARD TO CARE FOR SOMETHING YOU ARE NOT INVESTING IN. ALONG WITH RESTRAINING FROM NEGATIVE COMMENTS, BUY YOUR SPOUSE SOMETHING THAT SAYS, “I WAS THINKING OF YOU TODAY”.

What did you choose to give your spouse?

What happened when you gave it?


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
Topic Posts: 14