The Book Club
User Topic: "After the Affair" question
clueless joe
Member # 25593
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, February 28th (Monday)

Had our first session with a new MC last week. She wanted some background on our situation, and I told her that my recovery has been stalled by WW's lack of empathy. While she now finally admits to the ONS with EA that followed, and the two other situations where she lied about her whereabouts and with-whoabouts, she has never shown any will to understand how this has affected me.

The MC quickly told her to read this book, that it may give her some insight into what I have been going through and the real pain of betrayal.

I write this with a bit of caution, as WW is a bit of a narcissist. The idea divorce makes her shake because of what it will do to HER image. She very well may read the book, but also may just absorb what she wants to and avoid what hits her in the face.

Any feedback on your experiences with the book would be appreciated.


Posts: 96 | Registered: Sep 2009
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, February 28th (Monday)

That's the book our MC recommended. I threw it in the trash because I felt it blamed the BS for the WS straying. I flatly refused to read it all the way through.

A better books for her would be "Not Just Friends" since it takes a different approach.

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, February 28th (Monday)

I looked at this book on Amazon and decided not to get it because it places responsibility away from the WS.
My FWH and I have been reading 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass and we both are getting a lot out of it. He doesn't feel he is being blamed so he sympathises with me, and the book has helped me understand why he had an A and how our M led to an A.

Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 269 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 29726
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, March 1st (Tuesday)

We've been sort of reading this book and I also find that it blames the BS, at the same time as it says the BS isn't to blame. We haven't brought it out in quite a while actually.

I think it's recommended by counselors because it's one of the few books that deals with reconciliation rather than separation after an affair.

March 13, 2010: D Day #1
Nov 6, 2010: D Day #2

Posts: 160 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Edmonton AB
Member # 30828
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, March 1st (Tuesday)

I read the book and actually liked it, but I suggest only having your ws read the first chapter its the bs response to the affair and I think it would open their eyes a little as to how we feel.

ME-BS 34
Jackass 32
Married 4.5 years
2 wonderful kids 12 and 3
been together off and on for 13 years.
I know my heart will never be the same..but I"m telling myself I'll be ok..Even on my weakest days..I get a little bit stronger-Sara

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, March 1st (Tuesday)

After the Affair was the first book I read after Dday and I never got that it was blaming me. I really got a lot out of it, but my narcissistic H avoided it...but then early on he avoided EVERYTHING....

me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, March 6th (Sunday)

I read both Not "Just Friends" and "After the Affair". I thought that "After the Affair" did a decent job of describing the BS's pain; however, overall the book Not "Just Friends" was a far better book and covered more ground.

If you're planning on reconciliation, then I highly recommend you both reading Not "Just Friends".

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 31551
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, March 21st (Monday)

Started After the Affair, and like others had said, I couldn't finish it because it seemed to focus too much on what I did to cause this to happen. That could just be because I was so upset at the time, but I have no desire to ever pick it up again.....I threw it in the trash actually. Am currently reading "Not Just Friends" which seems better.

Dday: 06/97

Why am I back here? You'd have to read my story to understand.....

Reconciled for 13 years....

Posts: 179 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, April 17th (Sunday)

We started "After the Affair" and threw it out - neither of us could relate to it.

We are now reading "Not Just Friends" and the intro and chapter 1 so far only, but so far it's describing our story and making sense to both of us. Far better than quite a few other books we've seen...

Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 595 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 31825
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, April 18th (Monday)

I am also a fan of "Not Just Friends"...

I have read "After the Affair"...I will have to go back as I did not pick up the blaming on the BS.

I through "When Good People Have Affairs" in the trash immediately as it recommends that the WS NEVER EVER tell the BS of their actions!!! Really????

Me: BW (36)
Him: WH (37)
Married 10 years Together 13 years
2 children 8, 5
D-Day 11.29.10
Trying to R

Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Michigan
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, April 18th (Monday)

IMO, After the Affair blames the BS.

I read just a bit of it, and it landed in the garbage as well.

Not Just Friends is the best by far.

Posts: 7628 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Textbook Case
Member # 24977
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, April 18th (Monday)

I also vote for Not Just Friends. I don't remember much about After the Affair except that I read a few chapters and ripped it to shreds.

BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Jul 2009
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, April 18th (Monday)

I also didn't really like this book - mostly because it called the AP the 'lover' and it just pissed me off to read that over and over and over again. I thought that gave the AP higher importance than they deserved and made it seem like the BS was just the boring old jerk you did chores with.

But I did like parts of Chapter 6 about Restoring Trust - with the info about the Low Cost and High Cost Behaviors. Creating a similar chart really helped FWH and I as we started R.

Still Not Just Friends was a way better book imho.

Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 467 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
Member # 10330
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, April 23rd (Saturday)

I read 'After the Affair' after DDay ! and didn't feel like I was being blamed. It actually validated what I was going through...I think it would have been a good tool for my xWH to read it so that he could understand my pain because he never got it...

BS-me 41 WH-him 45
Married 20 yrs, together 22 yrs
3 beautiful kids 16, 13, 9
DDay 4/5/06
DDay#2 12/3/07(OW#2)
Filed D 6/1/09
D final 11/3/09
9/10/11 Dating and enjoying life
4/7/12 Been with Fireman 7 months and going strong :~)

Posts: 2861 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Idaho
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)

Oh God! I picked it up in the bookstore (ha, I just accidentally typed I 'licked it up'!) briefly flipped though it and in a matter of minutes realized it blamed the BS!

Tell the MC to burn that rag!

"Not Just Friend's" is the book she should be recommending.

me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1:
Episode 2:

Posts: 7135 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)

Like others, I felt like After the Affair put some of the blame on the BS.

Liked Not Just Friends better. More relatable.

BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 19
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
New Member
Member # 32070
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, May 7th (Saturday)

We just started reading "After the Affair" together. Only in the first chapter. But after reading these posts, I ordered "Not Just Friends" from Amazon. But it won't be here for a few days. I'm almost nervous to keep reading ATA, but it has had some good insight so far for my husband to understand where I am at. Looking forward to reading the new book though.

Married:19 years
Children: G18/B13
Dday April 29th 2008

Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2011
East of Eden
Member # 31763
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, May 7th (Saturday)

I bought Surviving Infidelity and my MC gave me After the Affair with the caveat that I shouldn't take ALL it said to heart. I'm still working on Surviving Infidelity and haven't opened the other.

BW- Me (35) WH- Him (35)
DD-4 DS-2
D-day #1 3/13/2011
D-day #2 5/2/2011
D-day #3 6/10/2011
Status: REALLY pissed off....

Posts: 281 | Registered: Apr 2011
Member # 30440
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, July 8th (Friday)

I read this book and did not feel as if it were blaming bs..however some parts of this book are Very aggrivating as they really let you know how ws is feeling and their way of thinking at the time of A. just be sure your ready to hear both sides when you read this book!

me bs - him wh - dd 9/29/09 my birthday- 8 year ea - tt to 11/6/09 -married 18 years - boy twins & girl twins all teens

Posts: 74 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 30440
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, July 8th (Friday)

I read this book and did not feel as if it were blaming bs..however some parts of this book are Very aggrivating as they really let you know how ws is feeling and their way of thinking at the time of A. just be sure your ready to hear both sides when you read this book!

me bs - him wh - dd 9/29/09 my birthday- 8 year ea - tt to 11/6/09 -married 18 years - boy twins & girl twins all teens

Posts: 74 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 32749
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, July 14th (Thursday)

Thanks for the insite all. Just ordered Not Just Friends. I have read so many self help books in the last month I got a bit overwhelmed and had to stop for a while. Time to start again.

[This message edited by brokenheart149 at 5:33 AM, July 14th (Thursday)]

BH 44 (me)
WW 42
DD 6yo
DDay 6/5/11
M 20yrs
together 22yrs
Seperated but in councelling
R? Not right now.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hell and high water.
Member # 32546
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 15th (Friday)

Not Just Friends is a very good book. I'm also reading First aid for the betrayed and Getting Past the Affair.
Still nothing makes any sense

Me:BS (46) Him:WH (46)
Married 20 years/together 26
Two DS 16/14
DD#1 2/1994 (PA) DD#2 1997-2000?? several EA DD#3 2/17/2011 PA 6 months DD#4 7/13/2011 My Space Account (from 20007) looking for casual sex 10/17/2011 DD#1,000,000... new EA

Posts: 199 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: los angeles
Member # 31503
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 15th (Friday)

I started reading this one a few weeks ago. I didn't get the feeling that it was blaming the BS but I stopped reading when I got to the chapter about the different types of Love. It made my skin crawl that it used that word to describe in any way what WH had with his skanks. I haven't picked it up again and not sure if I will.

My WH is reading "Not Just Friends" and said it's pretty good. I may pick up another copy of that to read instead.

Me - BS (40) - Stronger & Wiser, Cautiously off the fence
Him - WH (41) - Earning his F
Daughter (4) - Light of our lives
Together 15yrs, Married 12, Friends for 20+
D-day 2.5.11
Attempting to find each other again

Posts: 384 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 28301
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, July 16th (Saturday)

In addition to the Glass standard, Not Just Friends, I would suggest "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From An Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It's short, to the point, and sounds like it was culled from this site

Nice option for someone more receptive to a handbook than an in depth study. Kinda like a "how-to" manual.

Now, it doesn't stand alone, and is no panacea. But its a great jump-start.

Good luck!

Sigh... how did I end up here?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Nashville
Member # 3488
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 17th (Sunday)

A lot of the books on infidelity are very good books but the timing is key.

After The Affair, Torn Asunder and Surviving An Affair are all good books but not so much for those early in recovery. After the Affair moves quickly into what was wrong, Torn Asunder moves quickly into forgiveness and Surviving An Affair moves quickly to meeting his needs meeting her needs.

I read Private Lies-Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy early after D-day and blew a gasket when I read the section about "Unintentional Affairs" tossing the book. Ironically years later it was part of my course work and actually met the author Frank Pittman when he was guest speaker at a conference. But at the time I was insulted by the concept of "unintentional"

If you are only a short time from D-day these are not messages you want to hear.

Not Just Friend and Surviving Infidelity (Subotnik and Harris) are much better for those early in recovery.

[This message edited by stunned-dad at 8:52 AM, July 17th (Sunday)]

BS-Me 47 WS-Wife 40 Kids-D13 S10
DD 11/20/02 Affair lasted 2 1/2 years. OM sexual predator 12+ prior affairs. Wife had suppressed sexual abuse/rape issues she hid.

Life gives us us sorrow so we can have something to measure happiness with.

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Feb 2004
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 17th (Sunday)

If you read After the Affair with thought that it is trying to tackle healing from infidelity and addressing core marital issues that likely existed in many marriages before the infidelity, it might be useful to you.

Chapter 5, Learning from the Affair, does have an early piece that goes "This chapter asks you to stop pointing fingers at each other and accept the appropriate share of responsibility for the affair. It's not that your'e equally culpable; your not, if only because no one can make another person stray. But instead of haggling over percentages -- how much was your fault, how much mine -- you both need to look at how you contributed to your problems at home."

If that paragraph is a non-started for you . . . then you may want to just not read the book.

For me . . . I know that my wife made the poor choices that created the affair. I don't own one bit of those choices. I also know that BOTH of us failed in the marriage. We BOTH let things fall apart. So, I can read a book that addresses both the ifidelity and the marriage we want to have and keep it as distinct issues in my mind. It doesn't trigger me. But I understand that isn't true for everyone.

[This message edited by WarpSpeed at 9:20 AM, July 17th (Sunday)]

Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1518 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Member # 32472
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, July 29th (Friday)

WH bought After the Affair early on. I just could not handle it. Count me as another who tossed it in the trash.

Me 52 BW
Him 54 WH
Married 30+ years
In R, so far

Posts: 53 | Registered: Jun 2011
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 30th (Saturday)

After the Affair was one of the first books I got after my 1st d-day. Hated it, for the same reasons many others have said. I felt it blamed the BS and I thought referring to the OP as "lover" was insulting and romanticized cheating. I knew as soon as I read the part about the BS accepting responsibility for the problems in the marriage that my now-exWH would use that to continue to blame me for his cheating.

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 12170 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 32869
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, August 2nd (Tuesday)

Thanks for the insights into these books. I don't think that "After The Affair" would be a book that I would like. "Not Just Friends" and ""How to Help Your Spouse Heal From An Affair" sound like books that I would find helpful.

I just finished reading "When You're Lover Is A Liar" by Susan Forward and I liked it. It isn't just about infidelity but explores other lies and acts of betrayal.

I'm the BW. M 10+ yrs, 1 child. Trying to R
DD 1: 7/18/11 Sexting/EA, caught before it went PA. Met OW#1 on AM
DD2: 5/31/13 - 6/1/13 2-Day PA with OW#2. Claimed she was a therapist and knew he was married.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 5363
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, August 11th (Thursday)

Another vote for Not Just Friends over After the Affair.

After the Affair is like a bad MC who has the BS examining how he/she can improve to fulfill the WS's needs better.

But worst of all is one of the later chapters in which the author discusses whether or not it is useful to the WS to confess an affair or whether that would just make life far too unpleasant for the poor dear.

Straight to the circular file, as my junior high teacher would say.

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Sep 2004
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, August 11th (Thursday)

I read 'after the affair' and really enjoyed the beginning portions. It helped me to see what I was going through physically and emotionally was normal. I thought I was going crazy honestly. I read the beginning chapters over and over.

I didn't read much of the rest of it, especially the exercise parts towards the end.

I have to say, I didn't think it blamed the BS. It actually clearly states that there is no excuse for an affair. What it does state is that almost always, before an affair, there are problems in the marriage, and that some of them are due to each spouse.

When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, August 13th (Saturday)

I'm reading both After the Affair and Not just Friends at the same time. Honestly I don't feel blamed so much as the BS and I think After the Affair has targeted my WW's issues prior to us ever meeting that help lead to this. As a BS whether we like it or not, we did things oR lack of things, that contributed to our M souring. If you think you didn't you're living no more a fantasy world than your WS. Problems in the marriage are 50/50. But yes the affair is there's.

In reading the first chapter or so in Not Just Friends it made me sick. All the details they were talking about between Lara and they were attracted. I found it really hurt because I was relating it to my WW doing that with the OM. It almost made me cry. I took a break and I'm going to skip through it a little. I guess my issue is that my WW is unremorseful and isn't interested in R right now. She may never I don't know. She goes about her daily life like nothing has happened.

Biggest problem I find is that all these books revolve around both spouses wanting to reconcile. Or just where the BS has a decision to stay or go. I don't know of one, unless someone could suggest, of how to handle my situation. How to act, how to carry myself and mostly
how to get self esteem back. I feel destroyed with no help in sight. I don't know how to even talk to her anymore. That never used to be the case before all this.

BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1472 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Member # 33148
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, August 26th (Friday)

I've read ATA, I found it to be too focused on the EA or LTA rather than explain different emotional investments by WS. I've read Surviving Infidelity, and really enjoyed it, so helpful. I'm only 6.5 months from DDay, so it was so helpful to see the calming/coping exercises, as well as see the examples of the types of affairs on a continuum.

Me - BS, 39
Him - WS, 42

M 13 years
D-Day, February 2011, Sept 2011
OW1 EA and PA
OW3 ? still says no

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Midwest
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, September 9th (Friday)

I think After the Affair also placed a disproportionate amount of blame on the BS.

The use of the word "lover" made me want to throw up.

Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 34