The Book Club
User Topic: Not just friends
emotiona hell
Member # 31781
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, April 28th (Thursday)

Has anyone read this book? Is it meant more for the WS?
I have read 2 0r 3 books about surviving an affair. Is Not just Friends similair to other A books?

Me BS 41
WH 43
DS 12 DD 21
Married 23 years
DDay 6/26/10
Filed for divorce 11/23/11

Posts: 218 | Registered: Apr 2011
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, April 28th (Thursday)

I think many here will agree that Not Just Friends is probably one of the best on infidelity....I personally believe it is directed more towards the WS.

I highly recommend it.

Posts: 7569 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, April 28th (Thursday)

I found it very helpful. It validated much of what I was feeling and it gives a clear picture of what has to happen for recovery (both individually and for the M) to happen.

It is the most recommended book on SI.

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, April 28th (Thursday)

The best,... especially for the EA aspect, but overall it is excellent.

(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, April 28th (Thursday)

Not "Just Friends" is far and away the most highly recommended book on SI and I have to agree. I read it twice, shortly after d-day and then 10 months later to ensure we were on the right track with R.

Here is a link to a related thread:

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:49 PM, April 28th (Thursday)]

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Posts: 5667 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 31616
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, April 30th (Saturday)

It was tough, emotionally, to read but I thought it gave valuable insights.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Mar 2011
emotiona hell
Member # 31781
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, May 26th (Thursday)

I finally got the book and I am almost half way through it.

It is a great book. It is helping me to deal with some of the emotions that I am going through. What I am dealing with on a emotional level is normal. I am not weak.
I have had to rely on books for my therapy. I am not done with this book but highly recommend it.

Me BS 41
WH 43
DS 12 DD 21
Married 23 years
DDay 6/26/10
Filed for divorce 11/23/11

Posts: 218 | Registered: Apr 2011
Member # 31779
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, May 26th (Thursday)

I have just finished the book and found it helpful. My WH is also reading it...we are both highlighting (in different colors) parts that "speak" to us. We plan to go back through the book together and talk about the highlighted portions.

BS: 59 female
WS: 60
married 38 years (or so I thought. I don't consider myself married any longer).

2 adult children who don't know

first d-day: 2/05/11
2nd d-day: 3/11/11

3 affairs that he has admitted to, 2 short term, 1 w

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Northern California
Member # 30284
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, May 26th (Thursday)

Very good book, especially for boundaries and realizing what they are. A must read!

BW - 38
FWH - 41, SA since around 2005
Dday 4/9/10
Months and months of TT torture.
DD born 3/1/13
In R? Feels like going witht the flow.
Trying to get used to the new "normal"

Posts: 396 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: The worst place I can be - inside my own brain
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 27th (Friday)

I thought it was excellent. I insisted my H read it, he got about 100 pages in, said he got nothing out of it. Knew it all already - some of it he had heard from me parroting some of the stuff I read - otherwise he's just delusional.

Anyhoo - I thought it would have been great for a WS to read because it sort of explains how you can get to the point where infidelity becomes an option.

REgardless of what your spouse gets out of it, I got a lot out of it. It helped me make sense of all of this.

Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2168 | Registered: Nov 2009
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 27th (Friday)

Best book I've read. Every WS and BS should read it.

Great discussions on boundaries, etc.

When OW first contacted H on fb, he told her they could only be just friends, and once the affair started for real, she often made a joke by calling him her "just friend," so the title alone really got H's attention.

I think it would be helpful for anyone though, due to the excellent discussions regarding boundaries and post traumatic stress of an affair.

Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1478 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, May 27th (Friday)

It is a good book and I bought it for my WH. He managed to read one chapter. Said, he didn't like to read.

So I read it myself and highlighted in bright pink!

In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
Member # 31668
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, August 6th (Saturday)

I loved Not just friends. My FWH did as well. Great book, great insight.

Me - late 20's, STBX - late 20's
Married 9 years
2 kids
Going through D

Posts: 111 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, November 24th (Saturday)

I'm one of the rare SI'ers who had issues with that book.

My main issues were that it didn't seem to address WS remorse enough and it didn't seem to address the BS's losses enough. I felt like it treated the A as this big loss of the WS and required a lot more work from the BS via being patient, understanding, listening, taking responsibility for their part in the marital gaps that led to the vulnerabilities, which in turn led to the infidelity. It seemed to treat the A as having a more serious meaning for the WS than for the BS, particularly in terms of self-discovery.

If you would like a preview, I would recommend reading the article "Shattered Vows" by Dr. Glass (not to be confused with the book "Shattered Vows" by Debra Laaser) that is in the Healing Library's articles section. While there is a lot of good information in this book, I specifically took real issue with Dr. Glass' encouragement to figure out what about the A was special and appealing to the WS and try to bring it into the M. I found that hard to stomach as I found that very invalidating of the specialness that was already there. But jmho.

The thing I did appreciate about "Not Just Friends" was that it was thorough. It made me think from every angle - the story of the M and the story of the A were particularly helpful chapters. Unfortunately, it leaves me with the impression that I should be HAPPY for my H (when he's wearing the WS hat) for having had such an enriching and powerful and magical experience as his A's, and thankful to the AP's for caring about him so much. Thankful. As in, giving thanks. No thanks. I also find it interesting that the book doesn't seem to address the WS falling back in love with the BS - rather, it involves rebuilding because of responsibilities to the M and recalling the fondness of the earlier years, while getting to enjoy the powerful experience of the A (though she encourages sharing the details in order to decrease the secrecy of the A - she doesn't recommend sharing sexual details because it might hinder intimacy between the R'ing spouses - imo, the sexual details are a huge part of the secrecy, and perhaps losing some of that intimacy is the very real price).

Anyway... the book is very triggery. But I know a lot of people on SI have gained a lot from it. For the WS I'd recommend "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald, and for the BS I would recommend "Shattered Vows" by Debra Laaser.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:14 PM, November 24th (Saturday)]

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, November 26th (Monday)

I just checked this out from the library. It's dated 2003. Is there a new version and if so, how much will I be missing by reading the 2003 version?

D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 487 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, November 26th (Monday)

I am struggling getting through parts of the book. Maybe it is just too fresh for me or maybe I just can't focus on it.

The parts I have read I can't say I liked but they did provide valuable insight.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, November 27th (Tuesday)

This book should be required reading before people get married. When my youngest began her first serious relationship, I had her read it so she and her fiancÚ could set good boundaries. It's also a great tool for how to heal after an affair for both parties.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 4102 | Registered: Sep 2005
Member # 37523
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, November 28th (Wednesday)

This book arrived the morning after DDay. Makes me believe in serendipity because it was exactly what I needed to help process the grief and helplessness I was feeling - and FWH to understand me (and himself), too. I still refer to it. Makes me feel like I'm not alone or crazy on this roller coaster.

The copyright date is good. Sadly, Dr. Glass passed away in 2003.

Us: 50ish, madhatters, married 20 odd yrs
TT: May 2009 'til June
DDay for both: June 17, 2009
Me: 2x, same person, 1991
Him: 1.5 year PA (EA?) 2007-2009

Honey Badger don't care. - Randall

Posts: 386 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Flyover chic
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, November 28th (Wednesday)

Thanks for the update on the copyright. It's a good book, but...

I am struggling getting through parts of the book. Maybe it is just too fresh for me

the examples are too detailed for someone close to D-Day (at least me and Stungbytravel). I had to put it down last night as it triggered me. Luckily WW was sitting next to me and comforted me.

ETA: Once I got past the first two segments, I didn't trigger anymore. Good book.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 12:25 PM, November 30th (Friday)]

D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 487 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
Topic Posts: 19