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User Topic: Before You Say Reconcile...
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Target  Posted: 7:41 PM, April 29th (Friday)

Too often when BS's first come to SI they are desperately looking to reconcile (R) with a WS who isn't as desperate as the BS.

True reconciliation is about far more than agreeing to stay in the marriage, but this gets lost to many BS's trying to regain their footing after D-day. The Pillars of Reconciliation have been posted here before, and veterans cite them often.

To that end, I thought I would make a simple contribution that highlights the difference between true R and rugsweeping (i.e., just staying married without healing).

I hope that as new BS's come here, they can see the difference and take stock of where they are. Doing so will go a long way toward avoiding a false R, a lot of unfulfilled expectations, and multiplied pain.


INDICATORS OF REMORSE
* Actions match words.
* Accepts full responsibility for the affair without blaming the BS, a bad marriage, or other outside factors.
* Expresses sorrow for hurting the BS and the M.
* Shows compassion and actively assists the BS with handling triggers.
* Does not become defensive or shut down when BS brings up affair-related emotions, issues, or questions.
* Answers questions honestly and completely.
* Does not avoid the BS or become frustrated that the BS is not “healing fast enough.”
* Contributes at least 60% of the joint effort at rebuilding the marriage.
* Actively works to understand why he or she made the choice to have an affair and shares insights with BS.
* Does not think solely about himself or herself. Considers how actions impact the BS.


Remorse is so important to R. It's the conerstone that everything else is built on. Without it, the M can not heal.

Remorse involves far more than just saying "I'm sorry." It's conveyed through consistent actions. The above list is not comprehensive, but it is meant to be an example that the FWS's behavior should be clear sign that he or she understands the pain the A caused and is committed to healing the M. Simply hanging around the house is not remorse. And it is not R.

7/20/11 ETA: I don't want to give the impression that a BS is stuck in limbo if a WS doesn't agree to abide by these conditions for R. Staying stuck means the A continues. If a WS won't agree to R under these necessary conditions, I encourage the BS to:

* work the 180
* use the Tactical Primer here on SI
* and see a divorce attorney to feel out their legal options

Living in limbo while an active A is in progress is tacitly agreeing to share your spouse. Operate from a position of strength. If the WS says no to R, you can not love them out of the A or wait for it to end (it won't end).


10/29/11 ETA:

Below is a list of threads that are recommended frequently to new members. These threads provide more information about the 180 and how to deal with an unremorseful WS while attending to your own healing:


Tactical Primer:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Boundaries and Consequences 101:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Setting Healthy Boundaries:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

Understanding the 180:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

Great Posts for Newbies to Read:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Emotional Detachment: What is it? How is it accomplished?
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=459284

Codependency in the Marriage: A BS’s common mistake
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408443

20/20 Hindsight: What I Should Have Done When I JFO
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349


eta: 6/8/13 to include more links.

[This message edited by Fighting2Survive at 9:01 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
bent44
Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, April 29th (Friday)

Fighting2Survive,

Thank you so much for postimg this!

Unfortunately, my WS is nowhere near any of this, but it is so helpful to know what to look for if he ever comes out of his fog.

Thank you again.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
purplebreeze
Member
Member # 31611
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, April 29th (Friday)

Thanks for posting this. It allows us to see how far we have come and how far we still must go.


me 64
WH 66
married 44 years
DD Jan 16 2011

Posts: 357 | Registered: Mar 2011
bestbecameworst
Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, April 29th (Friday)

so what do i do if he's says he's remorseful, but in actuality 3/4 rug-sweeping????


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 595 | Registered: Mar 2011
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, April 29th (Friday)

so what do i do if he's says he's remorseful, but in actuality 3/4 rug-sweeping????

That is typical early on. When I went through it, some very wise SI veterans encouraged me to state my needs for R (the four pillars I listed above along with some others specific to our situation) and to tell him what the consequence would be if he could not rise to those expectations (I would decide that our M could not continue).

Then work the 180- not to change him but to protect you. By creating distance, you shield yourself from worse pain. It will still hurt, but every day you do it you get stronger and you are able to make more clear-headed decisions.

In my case, following this advice saved my M. I was very tempted to settle for less than a fully remorseful spouse, but I am so grateful that people here kept encouraging me to not sell my M short.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
bestbecameworst
Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, April 29th (Friday)

don't know if i can but i'll read about it... where on this site is the "180" described???


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 595 | Registered: Mar 2011
jimbo25319
Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, April 29th (Friday)

Well done.

Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, April 29th (Friday)

bestbecameworst - Info about the 180 can be found in the BS FAQ in the Healing Library.


There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Posts: 8296 | Registered: Dec 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, April 29th (Friday)

And I just bumped a thread on Understanding the 180 in this forum.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, April 29th (Friday)

Excellent post, by the way, F2S!


There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Posts: 8296 | Registered: Dec 2010
browniegirl
Member
Member # 31985
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, April 29th (Friday)

FightingToSurvive,

Thank you for posting that. I thought I was in a true reconciliation and now I see we aren't quite there. We're getting there; however, I am not sure I have it in me to completely forgive him. There, I finally admitted it, I am not a forgiving person! I don't think that makes me a bad person.

My husband is still avoiding discussions or not so much avoiding, but he gets real uncomfortable when I bring it up. He asked me today why we can't just move on and put it in the past and look at our future together? Well, because I'm not ready!!!

he has also given me some misleading information or what seems like misleading. He seems to legitimately not be able to remember some details such as whether or not the affair started before or after a close friend of his died. That is very hard for me to believe. I figured it out last night that it was before his friend died, or at least the emotional affair started then. He did tell me the affair started at the end of October/early November, but the phone bill says otherwise. It pisses me off so much that I am back to being angry with him and ignoring him and sending angry texts and e mails which I know are counterproductive. Actually what I am telling him is I do not know whether or not I want to have a future with someone who disrespected me, with someone who thought so little of our marriage that he had to cheat. I don't know if I want to spend my life with a man who doesn't seem to share the same values and morals as me. a man who would fuck the first skank who showed interest in him. Seriously! What was this man thinking? I mean, seriously? I have her pegged as someone who has cheated on her husband before. I just know she has. As I have told my husband numerous times, women know women and men do not know women the way a woman can know another woman. Men know men and can peg a player immediately, but men don't know women the way women do. Just my opinion on that.


Browniegirl

BW- Me 41
WH- 42 (Striker9)
Years together- 18
Years married- 14
D-Day 2-11-11 plus TT thru 5-11
1 11 YO DS
Trying to Reconcile


Posts: 280 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hurting
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, April 29th (Friday)

This is a good post. Patience is the key too. You really have to watch their actions. I want to R, my WH is making some strides but it is no where near what I want.

He did the first four things I demanded before I would even consider R. Right now I am watching his actions and making sure they are more than just one or two months of changed behavior. I want to see consistency. I don't want to waste my time if he can't do the work.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4521 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
horseluvr
Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, April 30th (Saturday)

Great idea to post this. When I first found SI, I went into the R forum. i thought R meant you weren't getting a D and were still together. Boy was I wrong. I was quickly informed that my WS was not in R mode. Don't know if I will ever get to go to the R board


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
mama2five
Member
Member # 31347
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, April 30th (Saturday)

Wow -- great post!! Thank you for writing that. What struck a cord with me was WS saying you "aren't healing fast enough" ..... That is what my WH keeps saying to me and it truly bothers me because that says to me he really doesn't get the horrible pain he caused me. Working towards R takes patience and tremendous effort by the WS to recognize the emotional rollarcoaster they have put you on and the damage it has done to the marriage.


me : 40
him : 38
DDay ~ Aug. 23, 2010
Children~ 11,10,9,4, & 2
OW #1 - 24 PA (1 month affair)
OW#2- 43 PA/EA (3 1/2 month affair) Worthless Skank
He met them both on Ashley Madison while I was pregnant. Suspect there might have been others th

Posts: 214 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: North Carolina
hurtbuthopeful12
Member
Member # 31279
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, April 30th (Saturday)

Thanks for posting this. It is very helpful for me.


M 7 yrs- 2 little kids
He walked out 10/2010
DDAY #1 Phone bill, found OW #2-2 mo EA turned PA after he left.
11/2010- he asks to come back. 12/2010-He moves back in.
TT from 11/10-1/11
DDAY #2- 2/2011 MOW #1- EA- 1 yr

Posts: 305 | Registered: Feb 2011
shattered123
Member
Member # 27843
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, April 30th (Saturday)

Dear F2S,
Thank you for a great post. I always cringe when I see new members saying they are in R. I was a victim of false R, and even though I know FWH is showing true remorse, I refuse to say we are in R. He periodically looks at my sig line on SI just to see if I have changed it. I will change it when I am good and ready, as I know this is a long process and I will not be fooled again.

Posts: 2590 | Registered: Mar 2010
SoCalGuy
New Member
Member # 31398
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 30th (Saturday)

Fighting2Survive - THANK YOU! this is an excellent & useful summary for many of us going through this ordeal.

I personally struggle with the patience aspects since my WW seems to be inclined to sit on this fence, saying she is not ready yet to attempt R ... wants more time to deal with her IC but has totally ignored my needs to heal from this betrayal. I filed for D about 6 weeks after D-Day and still no remorse, WW just wants out of M, which is even more painful sometimes than the A itself after this 20-year relationship.

Thanks for adding this R guide to SI.


SoCalGuy
---------------------
BS(me) - early 50s
WW - mid 40s
OG - married landscape guy, 45 w/2 children
D-Day: 2/27/11
WW Text messages confirmed EA/PA
married 14 years, 20 year relationship now shattered ; two grown step-sons
Trying to cope

Posts: 45 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
AppalachianGal
Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 30th (Saturday)

So glad you posted this. I printed it out & gave it to WH when he came home from work. Well, I didn't get the result I had hoped for. Instead, I get told that he has done EVERYTHING on that list. (Excuse me while I laugh). I pointed out the things that he hadn't done and the fact that he gets defensiveness and gets tired of me asking "the same questions over & over." Then, of course, he goes on the defense again and runs and pours himself a glass of bourbon.

I told him last night that I don't think this can work out. Its been 8 months since DDay and I'm worse now than I was then. Of course then I had a suicidal, abusive nut job to deal with so maybe that took all my emotion and now that has settled down thanks to some great psych meds, I'm starting to really deal with the EA.

I hate this!


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, April 30th (Saturday)

@ browniegirl:

He asked me today why we can't just move on and put it in the past and look at our future together? Well, because I'm not ready!!!

He seems to legitimately not be able to remember some details such as whether or not the affair started before or after a close friend of his died

First, your D-day is recent. At 2 months out, I was lucky to get out of bed. I don't know anyone that has "moved on" in that length of time. It sounds like he's more focused on rugsweeping- trying to reduce his discomfort at having to clean up the mess he made rather than giving you what you need.

Have you told him that the typical time to recovery from an A is 2-5 years, and many people take longer. The more he tries to speed you up, the longer it will actually take. He can either buckle down and do the real work if he wants to promote healing.

As far as the details he can't remember, I wouldn't buy that with a three dollar bill. FWH "forgot" alot too. Then I started finding things on my own. Suddenly he would remember. A 3 week A turned into a 2 month than 4 month one.

You will be obsessed with finding the truth until you are sure that he has fully disclosed. Again, if he wants you to "move on," he needs to give you what you need for that to happen. That's where honesty comes in.

(((browniegirl)))

((((isadora))) I have you in my thoughts.

((((horseluvr)))) Hold the line. Don't settle for less than you deserve.

((((mama2five))) The advice I gave to browniegirl is for you too.

((((shattered123))) You've given me very good advice in the past. Somehow, I think you guys will make it.

((((SoCalGuy)))) I've followed your story. I'm so sorry for where you are right now. Take care of yourself.


((((AppalachianGal)))) I replied on your thread in General so I don't want to repeat it here. I do hope you take the advice about alcoholism to heart. FWH struggles with this as well.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, May 2nd (Monday)

bumped to the front page for the weekday posters.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Feb 8, 2011
Member
Member # 31137
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, May 2nd (Monday)

Fighting to Survive,

Thanks for this great advice. I am going back and forth myself between S/D and R. Right now my WW is probably 80% on the rug-sweeping side, and I need to remember that. She is reaching out to me in other ways, hoping to move forward, but she doens't want to address the A anymore.

the typical time to recovery from an A is 2-5 years, and many people take longer.

we are less than 3 months post D-Day, and although some days I think about leaving, I also try hard to remember that I have to give myself time to heal.


D-Day see username
and maybe March 11, 11
ME: 45 yr old BH
Her: 40 yr old WW
3 kids
married 11 years
Who is this woman in my house?!

Posts: 717 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: canada
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, May 2nd (Monday)

(((Feb 8, 2011)))

At 3 months, FWH was very much in rugsweeping mode. We did end up in R, but if you look at my profile you'll see that we took a very winding road to get there.

we are less than 3 months post D-Day, and although some days I think about leaving, I also try hard to remember that I have to give myself time to heal.

I did leave. I had to in order to begin to heal. Living with FWH while he was so foggy and unrepentant was like being in a pressure cooker. The general advice here is to stay if you want to R, but that didn't work for me. I was dying every day that I continued to live with him. It was only after I picked myself up and focused on healing myself, regardless of what happened to my M, that things started to get better.

Don't accept anything less than what you know you need. And please don't think leaving means R is off the table.

I've followed your story, and it looks like you have a very clear understanding of what you need. Hold strong and don't lose sight of that.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 2nd (Monday)

Well done! I will be cutting and pasting it.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Brokeninside1592
Member
Member # 31888
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, May 2nd (Monday)

This is great. It kinda makes me sad to read it though. It makes me think hard about the fact that my WH is still showing no remorse. Maybe he never will.


BS: Me
WH: him
Status: Don't know if I can do this

Posts: 99 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
Feb 8, 2011
Member
Member # 31137
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 2nd (Monday)

I did leave. I had to in order to begin to heal. Living with FWH while he was so foggy and unrepentant was like being in a pressure cooker.

Did you take your son with you? We have three, and it would not be possible for me to take them with me, practically, legally or otherwise. That is what is preventing me from leaving at this time (and that my WW is having some troubles coping - actually my dime store diagnosis is that we're both depressed).

The general advice here is to stay if you want to R

And yet others will tell you that it may be necessary to show them that you are ready to move on if they are not ready to move to the "left side" of your "reconciliation/rug sweep organizer". I am thinking that I will work on IC, de-escalating the tension a bit around here, allowing for some tentaitve re-connection and positivity, and then re-assess in a month or so. If she is still on the wrong side of your table, I will then have no choice to initiate separation, but at least she will then understand that real work needs to be done to R, even if we are "getting along better".


D-Day see username
and maybe March 11, 11
ME: 45 yr old BH
Her: 40 yr old WW
3 kids
married 11 years
Who is this woman in my house?!

Posts: 717 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: canada
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, May 2nd (Monday)

Yes, I took my son. That isn't possible in every situation, but I leveraged every piece of ammo I had to make sure he stayed with me. DS has special needs and I've always been his primary caregiver. Plus, FWH was drinking and abusing prescription drugs. As much as it killed me to separate DS from his dad, my son's safety was the deciding factor.

And yet others will tell you that it may be necessary to show them that you are ready to move on if they are not ready to move to the "left side" of your "reconciliation/rug sweep organizer

That's the advice I give. I see no benefit in creating the illusion that you are willing to rugsweep. It prevents your WS from facing herself and digging deep, and it comes at too great a cost to your mental health.

If she is still on the wrong side of your table, I will then have no choice to initiate separation, but at least she will then understand that real work needs to be done to R, even if we are "getting along better".

You get it. I truly hope that your WW will begin to get it too- not just for the sake of your M, but for her sake and your children.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 2nd (Monday)

Great post, F2S. I wish I'd seen anything in Column A :(


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9161 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, May 2nd (Monday)

Thanks for this F2S, it's a good tool to make it easier to gauge where your relationship is at in recovery.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 7:51 AM, September 18th (Sunday)]



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Apr 2009
Ghostwalker
Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, May 2nd (Monday)

Thank you so much for this valuable information. I am so sad because my WS has done so little to repair our relationship. *Sigh*


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1093 | Registered: Apr 2011
vickie1957
Member
Member # 31075
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, May 2nd (Monday)

great post- thank you for sharing. I hadn't found SI until 4 months after DDay and this has helped me recognize that we are on the right track. Good to know!


this, too, will pass

Posts: 110 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: bc canada
MyTurnToBeHappy
New Member
Member # 31921
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, May 2nd (Monday)

Wow, my WS would be the poster boy for rug sweeping!!!! It's been almost 4 months since d-day...he doesn't get it all.

There was a big development today which I will post later after the kids r in bed.

But he doesn't get the pain, the torture....how much I have been devastated and broken into pieces.

I wonder what he would say if I gave him that post. At this point, it wouldn't do ANY harm.


Me: BS (early 40s)
Him: WS (late 30s)
Married 8 years
2 kids (4 & 6(special needs))
DDay January 2011
Diagnosed breast cancer February 2011

Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Calgary, Alberta
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, May 11th (Wednesday)

Bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, May 14th (Saturday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Miss Saigon
Member
Member # 31965
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, May 17th (Tuesday)

rugsweeping 4 check, reconciliation 1 check, wh can pretend remorseful isnt he, im in a fake R.


BS - me 43
WH - 39
2 kids - ages 7 & 4
together 10 yrs, married 7 yrs

rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... give me truth.
-H Thoreau


Posts: 73 | Registered: Apr 2011
Crazy Daze
Member
Member # 31843
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, May 19th (Thursday)

Thank you for bumping. I still have hope but we are not R as WS is still rugsweeping.

He has just started IC so I will wait a while longer to see if he will ever own his shit and show remorse.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2011
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, June 6th (Monday)

bump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
sherran
New Member
Member # 32233
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, June 7th (Tuesday)

thank you, needed the clarification, if and when he decides to even start to process his deceit and stop running away I know where to stand now.


Karma will kick him in the arse

BS 34
WH 35
together: 13 yrs
M 2 1/2 yrs
DDay 19/5/11
A & OW - not sure how long?? no answers given


Posts: 33 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Australia
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, June 16th (Thursday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
cobraadvice
Member
Member # 32452
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 16th (Thursday)

So glad I read this and I have printed it out. We are only 4 1/2 weeks out of D-Day and my husband just moved out this week. It is and was the hardest thing ever even after catching him in this affair.

He is only 50% there, the guilt and remorse and being honest. So honest it hurts. He is in a deep fog and seeing it hurts the most.

I am still keeping up the 180 but we have to have contact because of household stuff and our business. I send him a text and sometimes he replies.

I know I need to give this time and that is not my virtue, patience. I am starting therapy today with a Psycologist and sadly the sleep aid did not work, up at 3 am as usual. But at least today I don't feel as physically horrible.

Off to buy ensure because this 20 pound weight loss now makes me too skinny. Have to buy some new clothes today too so I have something that fits and does not slide off.

[This message edited by cobraadvice at 11:46 AM, June 16th (Thursday)]


Me 50, WH 50
OW 52, looks older and fake, not worth a 2nd look.
Married 24 years, together 27 years
3 sons,
DDay May 2011
DDay#2 Oct 2011,
Separated for a month, asked to move home, in R and it has its ups and downs but it is now more limbo

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2011
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 16th (Thursday)

Thanks so much for this. My WH is not remorseful. That doesn't leave me with much to work with -- he's NC, transparent and honest about the present and future, but not remorseful and he won't talk about the A. Ugh.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
hurting35
Member
Member # 32322
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, June 17th (Friday)

Thanks for posting this. My WH never did any of these things when he was trying to work on our marriage. Instead he blames me, laughs and tells me I'm crazy.


WH- 45
ME BS- 35
Together 16 years, married 12years
Dday 1- October 1995 sex with ex wife. WH wasn't sure about his feelings.
Dday 2- June 2008 with co-worker, 3 others from school/ craigslist
Dday 3-Nov 2010 Volunteering to have sex w/ client.

Posts: 153 | Registered: May 2011
mamabekay
Member
Member # 32295
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 17th (Friday)

My what is most of the way there...but he can't remember all the details. Rather, what he remembers doesn'tmatch up with the phone records. Our mc (whom neither of us really like; working on finding a new one) tells me that wh may really believe he's telling the truth, and that scares the hell out of me. How can I R with someone who believes his own lies?


Me-BS-28
Him-SAWS-30
four kids (mine & ours) 9,5,3,15months
Dday 13 May 11 and the TT keeps coming.

Posts: 297 | Registered: May 2011 | From: the Rockies
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, June 24th (Friday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
55forwardfocus
New Member
Member # 32305
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, June 24th (Friday)

Excellent! I plan to share with my wife and require she become an expert in all phases of R. The phrase, "Lies of omission" struck a chord with me. Great wisdom.

Posts: 1 | Registered: May 2011
SabinatheOwl
Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, June 28th (Tuesday)

Bump for newbies


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
ThereWereNoSigns
Member
Member # 27922
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, June 28th (Tuesday)

Unfortunately, after reading this post...I realize he is rugsweeping. i think he thinks doing dishes and calling me when he is coming home from work is "hard work." His transparency is only on things that he feels need to be transparent...don't tell me if he strikes up a friendship with a woman while on travel for work for 2 weeks...He "knew I would think he was fucking her."
Defensive...check
Angry...check
Makes jokes about it...check
Continues secret relationships...check
Not transparent...check
Rugsweeping...check, check

The more I type the more I see he is a bigger ass than I thought. He wants to work on our relationship...but I swear he wants to have his cake and eat it to.

[This message edited by ThereWereNoSigns at 2:35 PM, June 28th (Tuesday)]


Me: BSO (34 yrs)
Him: WSO (35 yrs)
DS: 4 1/2 years DD: 2 1/2 years, DS: 1 year
DDay #1: 3/6/10 (3 weeks before our now cancelled wedding)
DDay #2??? 6/23/11- he denies
Polygraph inconclusive on 6/26/11 due to purposeful non-cooperation
DDay

Posts: 187 | Registered: Mar 2010
LadyBlackbird
New Member
Member # 32607
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 28th (Tuesday)

Thank you for that great explanation of the the 4 pillars! I keep thinking that maybe there's something wrong with me because sorry just isn't enough, but now I feel much better seeing that my WSO doesn't meet any of the R criteria. I've seen the pillars referenced many times here, but it was nice to have good descriptions.

Thanks!!


Together 5 years, not married. one child (3)
D-day: 6-8-11
Status, unsure

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2011
september7
Member
Member # 29929
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, July 1st (Friday)

bump!! Great post!!


D-Day September 7, 2010
NC ended December 22, 2010 and I kicked him OUT! WH dumps OW July 2, 2011 and wants to R! Now he has been living with me in not the best circumstances, but we're paying for medical school for one kid and college the other.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Florida
2ndbest
Member
Member # 32446
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, July 1st (Friday)

Thanks for bumping this thread. I'm so sad to realize how far H and I are from honest reconciliation. Thought we were making progress but he met OW for lunch yesterday.He's been rugsweeping everything. I was so desperate to believe him, I let myself fall for a load of crap.


In limbo
Il ne faut pas toucher aux idoles: la dorure en reste aux mains. - Flaubert



Posts: 145 | Registered: Jun 2011
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 2nd (Saturday)

bumping


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4521 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
LadyBlackbird
New Member
Member # 32607
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 7th (Thursday)

bump


Together 5 years, not married. one child (3)
D-day: 6-8-11
Status, unsure

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2011
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, July 11th (Monday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
SabinatheOwl
Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 13th (Wednesday)

bump


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
betrayedandnumb
Member
Member # 24903
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 13th (Wednesday)

Just seeing this.. and worthy of a bump!!


BW- me
FWH-him
3/28/09 The day he started skiing down the slippery slope
4/26/09 The day it turned PA
Dday #1 7/13/09, #2 7/16/09, #3 10/23/09, Major setback- 8/13/10
In R

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jul 2009
Baffled
Member
Member # 21089
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 14th (Thursday)

thankyou for posting this. So much advice was given to me at the beginning, and at first I blinded myself to it. Now nearly 3 years on, I so clearly see the difference.My WH is firmly in the righthand pillar.

mamabekay: How can I R with someone who believes his own lies?

That is exactly what I went through.


"The despair I can cope with, it's the hope I can't stand"

Posts: 182 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: uk
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, July 18th (Monday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, July 23rd (Saturday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, July 27th (Wednesday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5888 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
brokenfairy
Member
Member # 32818
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, July 27th (Wednesday)

This is really interesting, and sadly for me in black and white proves that my partner has chosen to 100% rugsweep.

Mind you, I don't think he really knows what he wants tbh...he says he doesn't want OW, but also isnt prepared to wait up to 5 years for me to completely recover either. I think something inside him has said that at 53 years old, he is just maybe not cut out for relationships.

He doesn't want to fight for me, or his kids... he seems to be happy just to let it all slip through his fingers. My last cry out to him, explaining that i was throwing him a lifeline, ended up with him telling me to "fuck off"...

Wont be wasting any more time, but i have to admit that his extreme lack of remorse and unwillingness to fight for his family has actually been as painful as the A itself, if that makes any sense.

We are only 5 weeks since DDay, but already there is nothing to work with, to hope for, so I have just switched off and we co-habit silently...its a living hell.

I just want to be happy


ME: BGF, 40 (was 37 on DDay)
HIM: XWBF, 56 ~ not worthy
CHILDREN: D17, S13
D-DAY: 21.06.11
A DURATION: 18+M

Posts: 416 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
purplefinch
Member
Member # 32471
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, July 27th (Wednesday)

Wont be wasting any more time, but i have to admit that his extreme lack of remorse and unwillingness to fight for his family has actually been as painful as the A itself, if that makes any sense.

I am in a similar situation. From the beginning, except for a brief few days of fake behavior, my Stbxwh has shown nothing but running for divorce as fast as he can. At first it broke my heart but now I see he doesn't have what it takes to even try to reconcile. It is hard but it is my reality now. I agree that It is, in
some ways, more painful than the a itself. He's tossing it away like our marriage was trash.


Married 28 years, together 32; DD age 23
Me BW: 52
XWH: 54, liar
DDay 6/3/2011
skank-a-saurus: 48 yo FORMER friend of 30 years.
status: Divorced January 25, 2012!!

Posts: 674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Massachusetts
MrsSprky99
Member
Member # 32895
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, July 27th (Wednesday)

Thanks so very much for posting this for all of us who are recently experiencing this for the very first time. Puts everything in perspective well!


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 53
Married - 14 years
3 Children - 25, 24 from first relationship & 10 y/o with WH
D-Day: June 11, 2011

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Northern IL
Brentwood
Member
Member # 27465
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, July 27th (Wednesday)

Thanks for bumping...it was just what I needed to see again to remember that my STBXH is never gonna understand what R really is.


Me BW (59) What?!?!
Him BH (59)

Posts: 195 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: S. California
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 3:27 AM, July 28th (Thursday)

Just remember, that failing to get to 'R' is no reflection on you. If the affair has been serious (as in my case), trying to 'R' may be a big mistake and separation/divorce a positive step. Never thought I'd say that 2 years ago!


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 940 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
SabinatheOwl
Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, July 30th (Saturday)

Bump


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, August 3rd (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, August 5th (Friday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
whyme80
Member
Member # 32418
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 5th (Friday)

Oh, if only had I read this a few more times and with more attention after d-day...I wouldn't have wasted the last 6 weeks, and I would have spared myself so much pain.

Posts: 292 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ireland
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, August 6th (Saturday)

Wow excellent post! I will save this one.

Question - at first he was doing everything in column 1. But after about 6-8 months he completely went to column 2. His explanation for this is that we have already talked about everything and I have repeated myself numerous times and he is not stupid and does not need to be told the same thing multiple times. And there is nothing more to discuss.

Is there a time frame where you cant expect column 1 anymore?


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 6th (Saturday)

Well except for the transparency part. That was never fully provided even though he agreed to do it. And I felt bad bugging him about it. Thought I'd misuse it myself since feel the need to snoop pretty often. Would rather have passwords withhout him knowing, otherwise whats the point.

Also, do PI's supply passwords? I see tons of site online but they seem like scams. Looking for somoene reputable...


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2011
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 7th (Sunday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
dove
Member
Member # 15382
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, August 8th (Monday)

The problem that I have is knowing if he is being truthful. We have tried MC and I found out that he lied to both me and the MC.
How can I trust him again? I guess I have to give a vlear list and a deadline for myself
Dove

Posts: 244 | Registered: Jul 2007
Crazy Daze
Member
Member # 31843
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, August 9th (Tuesday)

Yes! 2 years of rugsweeping has come to an end and we are finally in reconciliation!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2011
greenmoose
Member
Member # 32727
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, August 9th (Tuesday)

we are in R,WF does it all except the last one. This is still a stumbling block for us. I do not believe he is still in the affair, but he will not provide details. I have to pull EVERYTHIMG out of him. He will admit to it if I have evidence, but otherwise he remains silent. He says he can't stand hurting me. I think that is part of it, but more I think he protecting himself.

The TT has got to stop. We go along fine for a couple of weeks, then something pops up out of the blue and we are derailed. I will be showing him this chart today. Thank you so much for posting


me BS 43
him WH 36
M 15 yrs
4 children, two still in the house
multiple affairs thoughout marriage (five that I know of)
currently R

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jul 2011
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, August 11th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
NewTurn
Member
Member # 26399
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, August 11th (Thursday)

bump


BW-45
DDay too many to count! Many false R till final DDay Dec 5 2008
Divorced Feb 2009

Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results!


Posts: 51 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Tx
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, August 14th (Sunday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
SabinatheOwl
Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, August 17th (Wednesday)

bump


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, August 23rd (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, August 24th (Wednesday)

For (((exhaustedmum)))


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, August 26th (Friday)

bump for ununderstood

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, September 3rd (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, September 6th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Target  Posted: 11:51 AM, September 7th (Wednesday)

These guidelines are the best thing for JFO.

Everyone knows what they need but when you JFO it can be so hard to think.

WS need to be in for the long haul,


BS (me)60 FWH 72
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, September 9th (Friday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, September 12th (Monday)

bumpety bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, September 15th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, September 19th (Monday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
crickett
New Member
Member # 33393
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 19th (Monday)

[This message edited by crickett at 3:30 PM, September 22nd (Thursday)]


me 55
WH 57
We have two grown children


Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2011
Will-I-Ever-Know
Member
Member # 32703
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, September 22nd (Thursday)

bump


Me BS:21
Him F?WH:23
OW:34!!??
DDay #1 June 2010
Full blown 6 month long PA: OW was his 2nd Girlfriend.
Many DDays & TT for the rest of this year!
In R, Married on June 25th, 2011.

WARNING: I am long-winded. Sorry in advance. :)


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jul 2011
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, September 23rd (Friday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, September 30th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, October 2nd (Sunday)

bump


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1541 | Registered: Nov 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, October 6th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
runsmiley
New Member
Member # 33572
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, October 10th (Monday)

thanks for posting this. I'm still trying to fuddle through the details, and it seems like WS is falling into the rugsweeping category :(

Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: PA
PlainsGirl29
Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, October 10th (Monday)

What if wh is rugsweeping but has ended contact with ow, does that mean there could just be a break in the A, or that an A with so3one else is likely in the future? I am full on in limbo and hate it.

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, October 10th (Monday)

Plainsgirl, have you read the post 20/20 Hindsight? I'll bump it for you now. It might help answer your question. But basically rugsweeping doesn't help with reconciliation. Stopping the A is only the beginning, not the solution, of healing a relationship from the damage of infidelity.


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, October 12th (Wednesday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5888 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
beachbrenda
Member
Member # 32410
Frustrated  Posted: 2:36 PM, October 13th (Thursday)

Okay, people... here's my dilema-- My WH looks like the reconciliation side of this thing, but I don't trust him AT ALL! One false move and I think he's still at it.

I got a random phone call last week. He swears up and down and sideways that it was random, but I'm thinking not.

I got a weird text from him today... I makes me think he was talking to someone else, but texted me by accident.

I have looked through his work phone--all the texts are to/from me (with my name on each one)... What if he just deletes texts from an OW or uses my name to label her number, as well?

This is killing me--the paranoia... Does it ever go away? How is that even possible?

Yesterday was our 15th wedding anniversary... I've been a ball of tears and anxiety for 3 days...


me--40 BS
him--46 WH
5 kids--13, 10, 8 & 6 (and stillborn would be 14)
"Have the utmost concern for what's right rather than who's right."

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Oregon coast
rejectedluv
Member
Member # 33495
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, October 13th (Thursday)

Thank you for posting! This is really an eye opener. I can say that currently my WH is a mix, but I would lean more towards Rugsweeper. This hurts more than the EA I think. I have asked him specifically for several things that I need (as recently as Monday) and he has yet to do one of them, so not sure where we are headed. Somethings we can only discuss with MC as a neutral 3rd party right now. DDay was about a month or so ago. Keep working on it. He tells me NC with OW from the EA, so I believe this, and he made other strides, but I don't want to be in a naive position like I was prior to Dday ever again-PROTECT PROTECT PROTECT my kids and myself!!


all is well

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2011
featherweight
Member
Member # 22690
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, October 13th (Thursday)

bump.


Me:BS 41, WH 40 Married almost 10yrs
our precious little DD is almost 5.
WH had EMA with CoWorker for 2+yrs. D-day 12/08, separated 18mos.
R started 2010, decided to live together again after 18mo, very hard to trust again. Still trying.

Posts: 383 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: FL
tomz
Member
Member # 33592
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, October 13th (Thursday)

WOW, I just realized that we never R'd with the first PAs 12 years ago. Why should I believe that we'll R with this one?


Me: BH and fWH 46
Her: BW and fWW 43
4 kids
3 granddaughters
D-Day #1 04/2000 WW CL hookups
D-Day #2 2006 WW CL hookups
D-Day 2009 Myself caught in PA/EA
D-Day #3 10/2011 WW CL hookups

Separating


Posts: 150 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Texas
npain
Member
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, October 13th (Thursday)

Im 2 1/2 months past DDay and my WH is not remorseful at all.His fog is keeping him solidly in the right hand column. No transparency, angry all the time, and it's starting to affect the kids now too. I'm trying to pray and wait things out till the end of the year...


S, Filed 4/17/14--YAY, ME!!

Posts: 515 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, October 18th (Tuesday)

bumped for the newly hurting.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, October 22nd (Saturday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
confusedbeyond
Member
Member # 33462
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, October 25th (Tuesday)

I am only a month out from D day but WS seems to be doing all these things. Am I too optimistic to think that maybe getting caught was the kick in the ass he needed tobring him back into reality. BTW- He ended the relationship and OW would not move on which is how I found out.


BS: Me 35
WS: him 37
3 children 5,3, 3 mons
D day 9/23/11
still getting trickling info but WS is acting remorseful. both in IC, MC

Posts: 115 | Registered: Sep 2011
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, October 28th (Friday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
UndecidedinMA
Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, October 29th (Saturday)

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!

I just printed this and, boy, I love it.

This says it all so succinctly, perfect for being 6 weeks out from D Day.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
GK109
Member
Member # 33680
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, October 29th (Saturday)

*bump*
I get the 180, but what/where is the tactical primer?

Posts: 64 | Registered: Oct 2011
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, October 29th (Saturday)

Here's a list of all threads that are usually recommended for the newly hurting, including the Tactical Primer:


Tactical Primer:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051


Boundaries and Consequences 101:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631


Setting Healthy Boundaries:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851


Understanding the 180:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785


20/20 Hindsight: What I Wish I'd Done:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=161389


Great Posts for Newbies to Read:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, October 31st (Monday)

bump!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4171 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, November 1st (Tuesday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5888 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, November 3rd (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
SabinatheOwl
Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, November 6th (Sunday)

Bump


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, November 11th (Friday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5888 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
marzipan
Member
Member # 28544
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, November 17th (Thursday)


me--Mean Batshit Crazy Pottymouth
him-- Swampy the WH
divorce DONE!!!!

http://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/
PART 16-- "You are Such a Good Mother"


Posts: 4076 | Registered: May 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, November 24th (Thursday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, November 29th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Lost and Betraye
Member
Member # 33988
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, November 30th (Wednesday)

Bump


Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft


Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CA
lostsuol
Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, November 30th (Wednesday)

And again!

Posts: 814 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, December 6th (Tuesday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5888 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Lost and Betraye
Member
Member # 33988
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, December 8th (Thursday)

bump


Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft


Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CA
emptyheart
Member
Member # 18873
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, December 11th (Sunday)

bump for newbies


Me - BW, Him - WH
2 great kids that are my reason for living.
1st D-Day - March 28, 2008
False R for a year
2nd D-Day - April 11, 2009

Posts: 1132 | Registered: Mar 2008
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, December 12th (Monday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, December 16th (Friday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5888 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, December 17th (Saturday)


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 25 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4892 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Lost and Betraye
Member
Member # 33988
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, December 19th (Monday)

bump


Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft


Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CA
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, December 22nd (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, December 31st (Saturday)

Bump

Happy New Year!


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 25 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4892 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, January 5th (Thursday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, January 9th (Monday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, January 15th (Sunday)

bump...


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5888 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, January 18th (Wednesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, January 20th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
bunni972
Member
Member # 33690
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, January 20th (Friday)

Sometimes I wonder if we are truly in R or just rugsweeping but after reading this I know that we are truly in R and it is a wonderful feeling knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that this journey is not going to be smooth sailing all the way but I have faith that we are supposed to be here and that we will come out on the other side happier and more in love than we were before the A.


ME: BS 40
HIM: FWH 41
2 boys: 20, 17
DDay #1: October 17th 2011 (A w/ co-worker & visit with 2 "working girls"
DDay #2: September 20th 2013(A w/ girl from Craigslist. Had sex multiple times with 2 women he found on Ashley Madison.
Not s

Posts: 99 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: West Frankfort, IL
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, January 23rd (Monday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, January 24th (Tuesday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, January 26th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, February 2nd (Thursday)


Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
rainbow123
Member
Member # 12329
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, February 2nd (Thursday)

My WH rugswept till the rug was threadbare. Then he left. No remorse, no discussions, only an expectation that I should feel sorry for him in having to choose between us. I feel sick when I look back on it, how it was all about his grief.

Then his affair fizzled out and we started to discuss reconcilation (more rugsweeping). Then he went away on a business trip and fell in love with someone else. More lies.

He never came back after that. Now that has ended and he is around again, smiling that winsome smile. Please God give me the strength to punch his lights out if he ever suggests he wants to try again.


BS,50, WH 49. Dday number one 01 July 06, followed by dozens more. No remorse. Divorced 08.

Badly scarred but doing OK. Possibly better than he is.

"It will be alright in the end. And if it's not alright, it's not the end."


Posts: 483 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: UK
Alizeran
New Member
Member # 34706
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, February 2nd (Thursday)

[This message edited by Alizeran at 5:21 PM, February 2nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Maryland
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, February 7th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, February 10th (Friday)

bump


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 6004 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
her_who_is_me
Member
Member # 34763
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, February 10th (Friday)

This is awesome, bumping for later.


BW (Me) 30
WS 37---left me on his 37th birthday (small business owner)
DD: May 8, 2011--over the phone, after he didn't come home that night.
6 years married, June 11, 2005
Two children: DD, 4; DS, almost 2
"Forget love - I'd rather

Posts: 79 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NYC
blindsided87
Member
Member # 34674
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, February 10th (Friday)

bump


Married 13 years
Together 14 years
Dday Dec. 24, 2011

Posts: 100 | Registered: Jan 2012
LisaP
Member
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, February 12th (Sunday)

bump


Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown


Posts: 2194 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, February 13th (Monday)

Bump for brokenheart


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3541 | Registered: Dec 2011
wontdefineme
Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 14th (Tuesday)

Back to the top

Posts: 2187 | Registered: Mar 2011
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, February 15th (Wednesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, February 22nd (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
LePoo
Member
Member # 34635
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, February 26th (Sunday)

bump for some new members

Posts: 308 | Registered: Jan 2012
al35118
Member
Member # 33649
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, March 1st (Thursday)

bump


Bh 48
FWW 31
Married Jan 24th 2012
D-Day June 17 2011
Then TT until Oct 19,2011

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Bama
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, March 3rd (Saturday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5888 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, March 10th (Saturday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, March 27th (Tuesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, March 30th (Friday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
TooSadToCry
Member
Member # 35123
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, March 30th (Friday)

Thanks for reposting...I haven't seen this. My WS definitely was a rugsweeper and continued to lie in the beginning. Sad thing is when I called her a whore, he defened her if you can believe that...but not anymore.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Both 44
Together since we were 18
Married 24 years
2 Teenage Sons
Dday 2/22/12

Posts: 87 | Registered: Mar 2012
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, April 2nd (Monday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 36824 | Registered: Mar 2011
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, April 8th (Sunday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5888 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 11th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
DixieDiamondfly
Member
Member # 34830
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)

Thank you for this post. My Dday was Feb 8th and the day I confronted him (I call it "fan" day for "stuff hits the fan") was Feb 24th. He has apologized and says it is in no way my fault and has said he would do anything I want him to do. He has done the few things that I have asked. When I ask him questions he answers them...but how do I know that he is answering honestly and completely? Honestly, I'm feeling the red flags again...and I've learned to go with my gut.


BS: Me, 55 yrs. young
WS: Him, 58 yo
KIDS: 30 yo son, 29 yo son, 23 yo daughter...and three wonderful grandsons
Married 33 yrs.
D-Day #1: 2/8/12
D-Day #2: 7/16/2012
Beginning R

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Gulf Coast
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, April 15th (Sunday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, April 20th (Friday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
windows
Member
Member # 14054
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, April 24th (Tuesday)

bump for a friend

Posts: 400 | Registered: Mar 2007
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, April 27th (Friday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5888 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, May 10th (Thursday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, May 11th (Friday)

Bump.

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, May 17th (Thursday)


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10101 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Outdoornut1
Member
Member # 35446
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 17th (Thursday)

Thanks for the bump!


Me-BS
Wife-WS
D-day- 1/17/2012
2 Beautiful Girls
Future- unknown
"You are 50% responsible for the problems before the affair..WS is 100% responsible for choosing to cheat." Confused615

Posts: 158 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Northern NY
Downrightpissed
New Member
Member # 35347
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 17th (Thursday)

So glad this was bumped..I would of never saw it. Here's a question...my spouse has done everything in the first column aside from actually backing his words with actions. He is transparent, hads had NC, and says he is sorry and it will never happen again..he is mindful of my triggers and answers any and all questions I have...but...he doesn't go above and beyond to show that he still wants me. I get I love you's but honestly that means little anymore. I cannot look at him and say I love him as much as I did before the A. Is this me blocking the R? If he is doing everything else right should I be expecting more remorseful actions??


Me. BS. 40
WH - 41 PA 4 years
DDAY 12/7/11
Married 16 years
3 kids, 15,12 and 9
Currently trying to R

Posts: 42 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, May 19th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
chloecat1
Member
Member # 35585
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, May 20th (Sunday)

Definitely a rug-sweeper here. POS WH shows no remorse what-so-ever. Unless HE does a drastic 180 on his actions as well, there will be no reconciliation here. I failed miserably at the 180 yesterday when he was in town. He's not around enough to even see me 180 anyway. Doesn't call. Just goes on with his merry life with the OW.


Him:WH-51, Me:BS-47
DD-21 DS-18
Married 27 years, together 30
Divorced May 2013~FINALLY!
1st A: 19 yrs ago, but dday not until 7/12/08
2nd Dday- 10/3/11, separated since then.
3rd DDay- 8/10/12 Admitted to other ONS and PAs.
Suing WH for di

Posts: 233 | Registered: May 2012
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 24th (Thursday)

Bump!


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, May 30th (Wednesday)

bump.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5199 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, June 8th (Friday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)

bump


Me: BS
2 kids: DD16 and DS19
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7866 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 19th (Tuesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 2nd (Monday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, July 4th (Wednesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 6th (Friday)

thank you!


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2391 | Registered: Jan 2012
SuspiciousWife
Member
Member # 18108
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)

Bumping


Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

Posts: 557 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: East Coast
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, July 11th (Wednesday)

Bumping so this doesn't fall off the front page.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3541 | Registered: Dec 2011
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, July 16th (Monday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
ariadne98
New Member
Member # 36154
Concerned  Posted: 8:37 PM, July 16th (Monday)

Wow, this speaks volumes. Thank you for posting. Now I am sure where he is at, although innately I already knew.

My worry is that he won't move past this- which will be hard to take even if this ends.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: FL
pmal64
Member
Member # 13551
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)


.:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:.
BS-me-50
fWH -54

Posts: 582 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: down south
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 19th (Thursday)

This needs to stay on the front page!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3541 | Registered: Dec 2011
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, July 20th (Friday)

Bump


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
LILTOwner
New Member
Member # 36194
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 21st (Saturday)

Question regarding your list- sharing of passwords etc.

My wife's passwords have been very simple ones so after 25 years I know them to her phone log in, Facebook, etc. When I found out about the ONS, I became extremely focused on digging into her past. Read all textmessages, logged into her FB daily, tracked tracked her phone, checked her phone records online, etc.

Counselor encouraged me to back off for now- not go there. Yet I found myself hacking into her life everyday. Finally, this morning I asked her to change the passwords so that i could regain my sanity. Did I screw up? Should I ask her to share that info with me? Maybe wait until I'm not so much of an emotional/mental wreck?

Thoughts?


D-Day- 7/16/12
Wife WS- 43
Me- 42
Two kids- 25/21 living out of the house
POS OM- 28 OUCH!!!!!!!!!

Counseling Sessions- 1 joint, 1 individual sessions for both

Progress must be felt and seen by October or BYE BYE!


Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Long Island, NY
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, July 21st (Saturday)

Hey LILTOwner.

Don't ever look at it like you screwed up - this is a work in progress and we learn as we go.

It IS probably a good idea to dial the investigating back at a point, but I've also observed that it's a natural part of the process, and that you will slow your roll in time.

It's a good trust building exercise for both you and WW that you have complete access to her correspondences. For that matter, I think that both spouses should allow access to all email, social networking, etc. This is a sensitive topic and there are some who may disagree with me, but in the end aren't we all trying to build healthier marriages, and should therefore practice transparency as well as request it? Perhaps this is more applicable to the relationship in R. It's your choice for sure.

Bottom line recommendation? Tell her that you would like to look at having access to her accounts as a gesture from her that she has nothing to hide, and you will in turn work on dialing back the investigations each day to preserve your sanity. (Perhaps pick 2 specific times a day to do it, for example.) The compulsion to do it will subside. At almost 2 years out, I still "verify" from time to time, but not so much that it makes me crazy. And I appreciate the heck out of FWH for being an open book.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:14 AM, July 21st (Saturday)]


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Bubbleup
Member
Member # 36120
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, July 23rd (Monday)

Thanks. Poster thoughts a very validating for me.


Me: BS 50
Her: WS 45 NC since 10/29/12
D-Day 1 4-20-2012 D-Day 2 9-7-13
Kids 2: 11yrs, 6yrs
Married 19 years, Together 25 years
EAs became PAs. On the fence.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: NY
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 24th (Tuesday)

BadumpBump.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 26th (Thursday)


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 30th (Monday)

bump


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, August 11th (Saturday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, August 27th (Monday)

bump


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10772 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
scangel3
Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 27th (Monday)

I really wish I had seen this and the 180 when I first found out about my wh affair, i wouldn't be where I am today. I may actually be happy and not trying to figure out what to do from here


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, September 12th (Wednesday)

Bumping for a member.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26546 | Registered: Aug 2011
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, September 14th (Friday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, September 17th (Monday)

Monday bump


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 907 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, September 29th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 11792 | Registered: Mar 2008
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, October 7th (Sunday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5337 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, October 13th (Saturday)

weekend bump.

Posts: 11792 | Registered: Mar 2008
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, October 22nd (Monday)

Bump for Newbies


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, November 16th (Friday)

HAIL AND WELL MET


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7637 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, November 16th (Friday)

This is the first I have seen this post, and I must say great job Fighting2Survive. I can now see why FWW is STBXW. She scored 25% (1 out of 4) on the Reconcilation table, and only 10% (1 out of 10) on the Remorse list. No wonder I have detached and given up.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4162 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
follyandsuch
New Member
Member # 37512
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, November 16th (Friday)

I am grateful I have found this.

I'm so sick of my ex-fi just wanting to tell me to put it in the past. "I said I'm sorry, what else can I do," and "it's up to you." I realize he'd rather rugsweep than reconcile after reading this.

I'm so glad I found this site.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Nov 2012
allhopegone
Member
Member # 37465
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, November 17th (Saturday)

Thanks for putting up all the links to great info in one place

Posts: 91 | Registered: Nov 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, December 8th (Saturday)

Bumping to first page for weekend posters.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, December 10th (Monday)

bumpin'


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, December 13th (Thursday)


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)

Bump!

Posts: 6845 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, December 21st (Friday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5337 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, December 24th (Monday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)

bumping in the new year


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5337 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5337 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
mountainmomma
Member
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 6th (Sunday)

Bumpity bump


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, January 10th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, January 11th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, January 15th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, January 17th (Thursday)


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, January 20th (Sunday)

bump


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 21(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3325 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, January 27th (Sunday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, January 28th (Monday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
MonsterBride
Member
Member # 37899
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, January 28th (Monday)

love this!


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 39, serial disappointment
Crimes: secret girlfriends, strippers
Status: preparing for divorce

Posts: 86 | Registered: Dec 2012
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)

Bumpin' for newbies


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, February 1st (Friday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
wouldbewhere
Member
Member # 38221
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, February 3rd (Sunday)

This is so AWESOME!!!!
Reconciling wasn't an option for me, but this is something everyone should read.


ME-51
STBXWH-SOB-44 A W/Ho-Worker
Married 16 1/2 yrs
DD 9/29/2012 Left 9/29/2012
Filled 10/14/2012
We all meet our maker. When my file is opened to be read, before I cross the pearly gates. I'm sure glad it won't say "I cheated on

Posts: 148 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: The West Coast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
exhausted lady
Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, February 7th (Thursday)

bumpity bump


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3168 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, February 8th (Friday)


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

newbees!


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, February 14th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, February 21st (Thursday)

Bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 1st (Friday)

Weekend Bumps for Newbies


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, March 9th (Saturday)

bump


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1791 | Registered: Nov 2010
heartbrokennlost
Member
Member # 37500
Content  Posted: 2:47 PM, March 9th (Saturday)

Thank you for bumping this thread up, I was looking for it this morning.


Me-44
FWS-41
Son-18mnths
Son-18yrs
Son-22yrs
Son-18
Son-22
Son-17
Son-21

Posts: 87 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: heartbrokennlost
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, March 10th (Sunday)

Bump


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
Luvlyla
Member
Member # 38692
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

I have some questions about the 180 -

is there a minimum length to make it impactful i think this is a forever thing?

secondly - how do you handle a slip up?


I have been trying it naturally since DDay, i genuinely couldn't take any more talking about the future plans questions, lists of how to make things better, shouting at him for not giving me the reassurances that i needed.

so i got up and started living my life. i couldnt argue any more, neither of us could. i just wanted him out of my space and didnt want to hear from him. for the first two weeks he was desperate to talk to me. i spoke when he needed was cool as a cucumber, and then one time, i cried for two hours on the phone, asking did he want to try. he hadnt thought trying was an option until that point.

then began a week of 'pretend' n/c (hes moved out)we'd talk on a tues but he was tired (genuinely he had an interview) then wed, then thurs (ten mins each) he said ill ring you tomorrow because i cant talk about this now.
shock horror - He didn't phone when he meant to and i phoned him in a rage, asking why he wasnt trying when i had opened a line of communication.

I could KICK myself!! there was no need.

so now were back to two more weeks of n/c and im dying for him to contact me which he does intuitively every time im very down. my replies have been cool "im fine hope you're well talk on 23rd" etc.

how do u handle a slip up like that?

Thirdly - how do you encourage WS to want reconciliation if youre doing a 180?

I'm concerned that he now interprets this as me wanting it to finish for good. he has said he cant even ask me to forgive him, he wouldn't forgive himself and i deserve more than him. I told him for three weeks since DDay that i dont love him anymore etc.

So i dont want him to start backing off,protecting himself, running away like his usual behaviour. i want him to bring something to the table in terms of trustworhiness and a desire to reconcile.

maybe im treating the 180 wrongly...


When he's your Romeo,
and you're not his Juliet,
it means you are Rosaline
- and you survive the play.

Posts: 202 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, March 15th (Friday)


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, March 18th (Monday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, March 28th (Thursday)

bump


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 1056 | Registered: Jun 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 30th (Saturday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

bbbuuummmppp


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5337 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, April 20th (Saturday)


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5337 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, April 28th (Sunday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5337 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
LovingFool
New Member
Member # 39090
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, April 28th (Sunday)

This is exactly what I was looking for and needing to answer my questions.

It is hard learning to trust and rebuild a relationship and I often have wondered lately what are some indicators that Reconciliation is true.

Thank you, thank you. I know my WS and I still have a long way to go to heal, but at least by the indicators, I know there is hope on the horizon!!

[This message edited by LovingFool at 5:47 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married almost 15 years
Kids- 5
D-day - March 2013 and trickle truth for a few weeks after
Currently in R - I hope

Posts: 32 | Registered: Apr 2013
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, April 29th (Monday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, May 10th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 27th (Monday)

Bump


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2694 | Registered: Aug 2012
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

bamp

Posts: 6845 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I wish there was a way to bookmark sites WITHIN SI so that I could save this one without having it on a computer anywhere.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I don't know of a way to bookmark threads internally, but you do have a private journal function. Maybe you could keep a list of useful threads there for your reference?


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1811 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Check that out! Didn't see that before. Thank you.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

You're welcome.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1811 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

I want to print this for my purse.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5337 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 19th (Friday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 19th (Friday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Bump


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2694 | Registered: Aug 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Bump


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2694 | Registered: Aug 2012
Thiscantbhapning
New Member
Member # 39601
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Bump


BS (Me)-48
WH-49
COW-28
PA-5 1/2 months
D-Day 5-8-11 (Happy Mother's Day to me)
Married 26 years
DS-24
DD-22
Trying to R
"Maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up."

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Texas
Broken6
Member
Member # 40347
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

So glad I found this to tonight. This is exactly the state we are in right now. He says he wants to move forward and wonders why I keep bringing A up. I am still searching for answers and he gives me same pat answer 'I don't know'. Anyway, this is helpful and I think I will print and show it to him. Bump it to top so I hope it will help someone else too. Thank you.


The grass isn't greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

bump

Posts: 6845 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, September 13th (Friday)

Bump


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 20th (Friday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Apr 2009
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Bumping for maddmurph.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Awesome!


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met 20 yrs younger girl online.
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 18th (Friday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Drowninginitall
Member
Member # 40968
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, October 18th (Friday)

Thank you! I am saving this so that I can remind myself and I will one day send it to my H.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Oct 2013
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, October 21st (Monday)

Bump


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2361 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, November 4th (Monday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

This is one of my favorites.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

bump


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2361 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
catatonic
Member
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

BUMP

Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2013
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1764 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, November 25th (Monday)

bumping for newbies


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Dyinghere
Member
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Need to read this

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, December 13th (Friday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
damaged1
New Member
Member # 41651
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, December 13th (Friday)

Thanks for this post! It will help me find my footing. If I see my WW on the right hand column I'll know where I currently stand.


Me: 43
WS: 51
D-Day: 11/26/13
S:13
Married 14 years
Where I'm at: Trying to get through this life altering event and keep my marriage but not blind to where this road might lead to.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2013
damaged1
New Member
Member # 41651
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, December 13th (Friday)

Thanks so much!


Me: 43
WS: 51
D-Day: 11/26/13
S:13
Married 14 years
Where I'm at: Trying to get through this life altering event and keep my marriage but not blind to where this road might lead to.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, December 14th (Saturday)


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, December 16th (Monday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, January 10th (Friday)

bump bump bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

bump


I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.


Posts: 5651 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Indiana
spond
Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, January 17th (Friday)

First time seeing this.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 427 | Registered: Dec 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, January 18th (Saturday)

Bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4238 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Kitty70
Member
Member # 41939
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

Bump


Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014
DLP50
Member
Member # 40232
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

Most of the right side is us.

However, I've heard "I'm sorry for hurting you".

I guess since he never admited to an A, why apologize for hurting me? What did he do to hurt me?

He's a pro at rugsweeping. He should be nominated for the rugsweeing award.


Me BS-50ish
WH (not according to him)- 50ish
M - 18 yrs together 21
No kids together- DD and DS from my 1st marriage
5 Beautiful GD's

Posts: 57 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Out West
shatteredapart
Member
Member # 41978
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, January 20th (Monday)

I'm booking marking this to show WH. I think he may be turning the corner ever so slowly. But afraid to hope much should I be devastated once again.


Me-BS
Him-WS
EA(PA?) 10 months with COW
3 ddays-Sept '13, Oct '13, Dec '13
Attempting Reconciliation...time and actions will tell

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

bump


Me - BH 40
Her - FWW 37
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 325 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
totallyconfused1
Member
Member # 42030
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

This is a great thread. I'm glad I can see my ws in the remorseful side.


Me - BS
Him - WS
DD Jan 8 2014

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Bump


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1720 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

maybe a bad place to post this since it appears the thread gets bumped often but questions rarely get answered.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE IN "R" OR GETTING TO PLACE WHERE YOU CAN START "R"?

in aug 2011 my wife and i stopped having sex and our marriage dissolved into silent hostility with each other.

from sept 2011 to april/may 2013 my wife had
- a ONS
- MULTIPLE sexting/pic exchanges with multiple guys, starting and stopping in fits and sometimes restarting with new guys or the previous ones.
- a LTA EA/PA
- another ONS
- in addition she was secretly drinking extremely heavily (almost a liter of hard liquor a week)

in between april and may she ended everything with everyone, voluntarily, and quit drinking. she says she had an epiphany. she also stopped going out at night. she hasnt been out since then except to things/places that are "okay" and easily verifiable (for instance a pizza party for my daughters class in which i was also there).
i didnt know about the affairs or the drinking until a few weeks ago so this was a truly voluntarily action.
in june we agreed to try to fix our marriage. she admitted to having an EA with her long term EA/PA but denied any PA. the stereotypical false R.
we fell into difficulties a few months later. never as bad as before but definitely trouble (sparked by my getting her pregnant and an abortion - yes, it was me, yes .. im sure).


a few weeks ago she admitted to the PA and the sexting. the next morning she admitted to the two ONS.

since then she has

1: NC with all of the guys and everyone associated even slightly with them (hang out in same club or friends or whatever), and NC with every friend that knew about the affair (she kept all but the LTA secret from them).

2: actively shows remorse by every indicator listed in the list (except trying to figure out exactly WHY she had the affairs, there i get "im bad", "im broken", "my parents have always told me i was a POS", "i didnt think you loved me", etc. all of which may be reasons why she was vulnerable but not really a "why" an affair). ive basically had a nervous breakdown and shes been taking care of me, handling more around house, etc.

3: completely transparent - all passwords, account info, phone access, etc. answers any questions. reveals details i could never otherwise have found out about. i do get "i cant remember" exactly (for instance, oral sex with last ONS or not = maybe, i am not sure ... which may be the case or may be also trying to shut it out of her mind or may be she is trying to "spare me" ... but she swears she cant remember).

4: no lies (that i know of) about anything.

5: agreed to all boundaries.

so. a few weeks ago.
is this an R or steps leading to an R or is it something else? is this too soon to even be considering it an R? i have great difficulty in figuring out exactly where we are.

i read above that its cringeworthy to read JFO are in R. i trust this site and the people here ... so how do we know if it is an R?

[This message edited by william at 8:28 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 589 | Registered: Jan 2014
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

bump


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 2484 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

bump


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 2484 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Gardenerinpain
New Member
Member # 42323
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

After reading the difference between Reconciliation and Rugsweeping, I am cautiously hopeful that after 2 years of rugsweeping I am finally seeing signs of REAL R.
Thanks so much for this.


Me: BS 60
He: F?WH 71
OW: 70
Married 32 years.
DDay March 2012
Separated since September 2013.
Trying to reconcile.

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley


Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: South
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, February 8th (Saturday)


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Bump.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5337 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

bump


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 2484 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Kitty70
Member
Member # 41939
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, February 15th (Saturday)

bump


Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Breezy150
Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much for this. It is a great place to see it all at once.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 21st (Friday)

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4238 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, February 21st (Friday)


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Apr 2009
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4238 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Mommato5
New Member
Member # 42624
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

Following thread


Psalms 147:3
Married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. The day my marriage died.
5 fabulous kids with tragically broken hearts

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2014
castellana
New Member
Member # 42609
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

Thank you! I am confronting him tomorrow and have no idea what to expect.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, March 8th (Saturday)

bump


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1811 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4238 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, March 13th (Thursday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, March 15th (Saturday)

Bump


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 2484 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, March 24th (Monday)

Bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, March 24th (Monday)

Thanks for posting....my WW is a rugsweeper all the way. Have prayed and tried to nice my way to R but no go. I am now working the 180 (day 2) to heal me without her. If she joins the M later perhaps I will be better prepared to decide my fate.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, March 28th (Friday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

BUMP

Posts: 6845 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, April 6th (Sunday)


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, April 11th (Friday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5337 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
krispy47
Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, April 14th (Monday)

So far -- only 6 weeks out from DDay, I grant you -- my WH is doing every single thing on this list. He decided within 24 hrs of discovery that the A and all of the sick behaviors that preceded it were a colossal mistake. He's been remorseful, attentive and is eagerly seeking help for his behavior in a number of constructive ways, including IC, MC, independent reading and reading/posting here.

And yet I still feel like it isn't enough.

I feel so torn! These weeks of talking so honestly, making love so tenderly, and enjoying each other's company in ways we have not done for a decade make me wonder if a rebuilt, rearranged marriage might actually make me happier than I have ever been. At the same time, I still double over in agony every time I think about WH and his slut in my home, and about how cold and calculating his lies and betrayals were. How can this tender, loving man and that cruel, hateful POS be the same person. My head spins...

I've given myself until July 1 to make a final decision, but I'm going to feel badly if he has tried to hard and I still just can't bring myself to R. Comments or suggestions?


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, April 21st (Monday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
plewpiter
Member
Member # 43034
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

krispy47, all I can say is give it time. I'm one year out, and my WW has done very few things in the Remorse column, but yet there is progress. It may be at a glacial pace for me, unfortunately, and I'm getting very impatient. It's different for every situation, of course.

You have so much going for you in that he is doing the right things, and doing them immediately. After 6 weeks, I'm sure it is normal to still have those disgusting, double over in pain, lie crying on the floor moments. I speak from experience that the memory of the "original sins" fades. What doesn't fade is a WS that refuses to do the things necessary on his/her end to reconcile. Indifference is the absolute worst.


Married 3 years (Dec 2011)
D-Day April 2013
EA (maybe more) with her boss, who she had had a PA with before meeting me
Trying to Reconcile--not seeing true remorse, but plenty of selfish regret. Still dealing with TT.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, April 25th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 6845 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
lilacs40
Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Bump


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 400 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, May 4th (Sunday)

Bump


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2694 | Registered: Aug 2012
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4238 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
mountainmomma
Member
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 15th (Thursday)

Bumpity bump


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, May 16th (Friday)

bump bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BlackHorse
Member
Member # 43459
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)

Thanks "tushnurse" for looking out for us newbies.


Not together long enough - too many long separations due to her continuing medical issues.
Me - Canadian.
She - American.
Both of us in our fifties.
D-Day - 04/30/14 (while she was away seeking medical assistance in her homeland)

Posts: 82 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The West Coast of Canada
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, May 24th (Saturday)

Bump


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2556 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
omoiyari1985
New Member
Member # 43451
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, May 25th (Sunday)

This is really disappointing, if I only would discovered this website and this topic 6 weeks ago. I would've realized my WS wasn't ready for reconciliation.

Now I she has destroyed my perception of her and continuously lying that R isn't on my radar for 2014


BS, BH : 29
WS, WW : 28 (PA, EA) Bipolar, depression, anxiety.
OM, HW, AP: Starbucks barista lives with his mom
DD: beautiful 6 yr old
Married: 3 yrs, together 7+
Dday May 25th

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Houston
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 26th (Monday)

BUMP


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Dec 2012
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, May 30th (Friday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

bumpity bump


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1811 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4238 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

bump

Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4238 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
BuckeyeBlues
New Member
Member # 43373
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Thanks for this - I am happy to report that my husband appears to be truly remorseful...he has done the majority of things needed for reconciliation. He has been honest with me about the OW, answering all my questions, has written a NC letter (even though he broke it off before I found out), lets me see his phone and tablet any time I ask (many times offering it to me if I haven't asked), let me put a GPS tracking device on his phone, so I can see where he is. He has not blamed me at all....says it's all him.


Married for 19 years
Me: 44, BW
Him: 53, WH
2 teenagers
D-Day: 5/7/14
Taking it one day at a time...

Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2014
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 19th (Thursday)

bump


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 2484 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
UpInTheAirNow
Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)

Bump


ME 45
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.

Posts: 239 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
UpInTheAirNow
Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 27th (Friday)

Bump for the new members.


ME 45
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.

Posts: 239 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, July 4th (Friday)

Bump. A lesson that needs repeating

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

Bump


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1720 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
mamajen00
Member
Member # 43810
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, July 14th (Monday)

My WH still has no remorse. Not sure if he ever will. I am moving forward with D, without his knowledge.


BS- me 37
WH- him 38
1 son - almost 5
Married 8 years
Together 13 years
DDay 4/19/14
9 months of intense EA
2 days of PA

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 26th (Saturday)

Bump


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)

Bump.


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1764 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, August 4th (Monday)

bump


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1720 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 9th (Saturday)

BUMP!

Posts: 6845 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Headunderwater
New Member
Member # 44484
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, August 21st (Thursday)

Thank you so much for posting this. As hard as it is to accept I realize that my wife has been the absolute embodiment of rugsweeping. As much as she says that she's sorry she constantly has been proving otherwise with her actions.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: United States
blindsided81
Member
Member # 44206
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, August 21st (Thursday)

Thanks for bumping. I hadn't seen this and it is important.

My WH spent exactly 7 days in a false reconciliation and if I had known some of this it wouldn't have lasted one day!

So thanks again.


Me, BW 51
WH, 47
OW, ttw (trailer trash whore)
DD, 7/21/14
Separated, divorcing his ass as soon as I possibly can!!

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: North Carolina
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, August 29th (Friday)

Bump


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2620 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, September 8th (Monday)

bump


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 2484 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
UpInTheAirNow
Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, September 11th (Thursday)

Bump


ME 45
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.

Posts: 239 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
UpInTheAirNow
Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, October 29th (Wednesday)

Bump


ME 45
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.

Posts: 239 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, November 1st (Saturday)

BUMP


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Dec 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, November 8th (Saturday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
completelylost29
New Member
Member # 45498
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, November 8th (Saturday)

-Fighting2Survive-

Thank you so much for posting this. I didn't know what rug-sweeping really was until I read this. My WS is truly doing this, now I know. What do you do when WS a doesn't feel they have anything to workout and is just fully ready to move on??? I just peeked at his iPad (he changed his password to his phone after I found out about the A) and I saw that he had been to Ashley Madison website. This is after he told me he doesn't go to dating or chatting sites anymore! This AM site is a new find to me, I've never known he's gone there! My D-Day was a month ago, and I've been thinking of a separation. Since my recent finding this morning, I'm fuming! And thinking definitely going to say I want a seperation, but the thing is we will have to keep living together until we can afford 2 separate households. Why would he be telling me he wants a R and still go to these sites!?!? He's only forthcoming with info if I ask and even then I don't trust he's being honest.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2014 | From: Bay area
completelylost29
New Member
Member # 45498
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, November 8th (Saturday)

What is a BUMP.?

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2014 | From: Bay area
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, November 14th (Friday)

Bump moves the thread to the top of the 1st page, so it doesn't get lost. This thread shouldn't get lost.

Bump.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10772 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, November 22nd (Saturday)

bumping for weekend


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, November 30th (Sunday)

Bump


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5513 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday)

bump


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1600 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, December 6th (Saturday)

bump for weekend


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
UpInTheAirNow
Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, December 8th (Monday)

Great update. All the important links too.


ME 45
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.

Posts: 239 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
UpInTheAirNow
Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, December 9th (Tuesday)

Bump again.


ME 45
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.

Posts: 239 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
Ready2beFree
New Member
Member # 45913
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, December 11th (Thursday)

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this great post!!!!!!


D-Day: 11/10/2014

Posts: 19 | Registered: Dec 2014
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, December 11th (Thursday)

These are great pieces of advice to help us all. Thank you for bumping this.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1322 | Registered: Dec 2013
Remember
New Member
Member # 46025
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, December 19th (Friday)

Bump.


Me: 33
Her: 27
D-Day: 12/16/2014
Status: Trying to find our way again

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=548985


Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2014
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, December 19th (Friday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 407