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User Topic: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual
HopeandFear1
New Member
Member # 30716
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, May 12th (Thursday)

I found this book on Amazon... not sure what to expect. I read it in one sitting and WOW - the author gets it. If your betrayer is willing to read this, (s)he will know what you will need if you have any hope of rebuilding.

BTW - I'm not sure my marriage will survive, even with this book, but the book validates my feelings so well.


Me - BW age 59; Him - WH age 63
Married 42 years
WH saw prostitutes for the past two years
D-day - Oct 2, 2010
Working on R with a bit of success

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2011
Epiphany
Member
Member # 25498
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, May 13th (Friday)

I downloaded the book from the author's website and printed it out. It is definitely an awesome read! Now I just need to work up the courage to present it to my WH to read.

Everything will work out as it should. Be strong!


Posts: 87 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Texas
Just-a-Statistic
Member
Member # 31244
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, May 13th (Friday)

I read it too and so did my H. It was like water off a duck's tail on him. Just said that he did all that already begore he even opened the book. He certainly does have a very exaggerated view of what he has done in our R so far. Gets it? I dont know....


Me: 50; Him: 52
DDay 6/1/11; 3 known OWs

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: far away
Crazy Daze
Member
Member # 31843
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, May 14th (Saturday)

I gave it to WS to read but he is still rugsweeping and playing the blame game so he probably didn't even bother to read it.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, May 14th (Saturday)

HopeandFear1 - I agree with you that the author gets it, and that it is very validating. If our WS's read and did what is suggested it would go along way in our healing journey's.

My FWH read the book. Nothing much changed as he has read "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass and the thread by HUFI_PUFI called "Things that every WS needs to know" and the book was redundant of everything he has already learned from his other reading. If the WS hasn't read anything else and just this book, I could see were it would be a huge eye opener for them.

Best of Luck, HopeandFear1!

@Epiphany - why do you need to work up the courage to present it to WH to read? WH should be bending over backward for you and all you should have to do is say "I need you to read this book and do what it is telling you to do. Thanks!" JMHO


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
itsjustnotfiar
Member
Member # 30537
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, May 17th (Tuesday)

This book changed my WW. The fog lifted the day she read this book. I cannot recommend it enough.

Fiar...


BS (me)- 44
WW - 42
PA - 10/2004 - 11/2004
EA - 10/2004 - 11/2010 (6 yrs)
DD - 11/25/2010. Nice Thankgiving present.
Together 22 years, married 15 years
2 kids - 10, 8

FB=A


Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: from the D
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, May 17th (Tuesday)

@itsjustnotfiar - The book had the same effect on GeauxTigers FWW. I think that is great! Yay! for anything that gets the fog lifted. Best of luck!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Cee64D
Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, May 17th (Tuesday)

Throwing in my praise for this book. As close to a toolkit you could get.


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Epiphany
Member
Member # 25498
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, May 20th (Friday)

@sistermilkshake - I had issues with making my feelings and requirements known. I stepped out of my comfort zone after reading your post and have gotten nothing but AWESOME feedback, truth, and transparency. Thanks for the "push"!! He's read the book and said that it was a real eye opener and showed him how he fumbled the ball the first time out.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Texas
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, May 20th (Friday)

@Epiphany - I am so happy to hear that my little "push" was all you needed to ask your WH to read the book. Thanks so much for the feedback. I wish you and your WH the best of luck on your healing journey.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
oldtimer97
Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, May 22nd (Sunday)

Dropping by this forum and reading through this post, I have a question. I might have got this and had FWH read this a few years back. Does this book/download have a warning for the BS not to read it, that it's for the WS only (essentially letting the WS read it and work the magic)


FWIW, because of brain damage, I write in storyteller form, so hardly any short posts from me & bad eyesight gives me a 50% edit rate..Apologies in advance!

Posts: 3235 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 22nd (Sunday)

@oldtimer - The book is by Linda J. MacDonald, M.S., LMFT and I didn't see that warning anywhere on this book. And I read it cover to cover. The copyright printing said it was first printed in November 2010. I hope this helps you.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, May 22nd (Sunday)

As a FWS, I have to second the recommendation for this book. My H (Cee64D) got it on just the thread by GeauxTigers.

I've read it. Did it in one sitting. It's great for those who really don't like reading much. It's straight to the point with no tangential side trips. "This is what you did, this is how damaged your BS is by it and this is what you need to do to fix it."

What I personally got out of it was a few "I'll be damned" moments from the list of pre-determining factors she lists. Some of which I never even considered as part of the problem.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5860 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
oldtimer97
Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 23rd (Monday)

Thanks SisterM,

It does sound like a different one then, particularly if it was 1st print in 2010. The one I got for FWH goes all the back to around 2000. With the recommendations this one is getting, I might just shell out a few bucks...even at this late date a few new pointers wouldn't hurt FWH


FWIW, because of brain damage, I write in storyteller form, so hardly any short posts from me & bad eyesight gives me a 50% edit rate..Apologies in advance!

Posts: 3235 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, May 24th (Tuesday)

My H was doing everything he could prior to reading this book but since reading it, he's like a changed man. The difference is amazing. I cannot recommend it enough.


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1429 | Registered: Nov 2010
bigpicture3236
Member
Member # 27861
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, June 4th (Saturday)

I also bought this book after GeauxTigers' post. You can't get much clearer on what a WS should do. However, I also agree that unless you have a WS who is willing, they will not be very receptive.


If you love something and hurt it dearly, then chose not to fix it...you never deserved it in the first place.

Posts: 3603 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Michigan
kbstr
New Member
Member # 32286
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, June 9th (Thursday)

Can someone post the link as to where to buy this and download online?

Thanks


me - WH(rSA) 35
BS 36 - the most beautiful and amazing person I have ever met
1 beautiful Daughter - 11 months
I love my wife to the core of my soul and will do anything to reconcile.

Posts: 44 | Registered: May 2011
glastron
Member
Member # 27886
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, June 28th (Tuesday)

You can get the book from amazon.com
I read the book and asked my WH to read it (we are separated). At first he refused said it wouldn't change anything. Then he said he would read it. It is a very good book that is right to the point. But if your WS is still in the affair fog, NPD or lacks humility it is not going to make a difference. That is where I am right now. Wish I had a spouse that had remorse and empathy and wanted to reconcile.

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 18