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User Topic: Codependency in the Marriage: A BS’s common mistake
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, May 13th (Friday)

Hello all my SI friends,
I write a lot to deal with the affair think it through, process and work through my issues. I wrote this about a month ago, I really think it might help, I was thinking about my Marriage and some observations from what I have seen on SI. Hope this helps someone else.

Codependency in the Marriage: A BS’s common mistake
Given the devastation that is unleashed on our lives in the wake of discovering that our spouse was unfaithful, it’s not uncommon to find ourselves holding on and attempting to fix the WS or control the Marital outcome. Codependency, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. Are you making your relationship more important than yourself? I know I did, prior to the affair and increased that in the aftermath of D-Day. Please let me say this as clearly as possible. You cannot make the marriage work with someone else who’s not. The harder you try the worse it will become; you do it at the detriment to yourself, putting that dysfunctional relationship first. Many BS’s here wanted my marriage so bad they were willing to negotiate with thier WS to their own emotional and mental peril.
There are many reasons I have seen here on SI for the codependency within the marriage. One partner may have trouble controlling other impulses, or simply not show much interest in the partnership. It can be about controlling outcomes and assuming a motherly/fatherly role with the WS. It can be a historic need by the BS to work the partner’s problem or issue in an attempt to “fix” their problems. But other issues in a couple’s lives can foster codependence, too. I will discuss a few that I have seen in hopes to allow the BS’s to relate and identify their codependency issues and address them head on.

Codependency issues seem to gravitate around a few common things here on SI. The first being control. Many times the BS grabs control of the relationship and allows the WS to give less and unplug from the Marriage. They do this because they perceive the WS as out-of-control person or to have some flaw the WS refuses to address or BS is not allowing them the space to address. This dynamic allows the BS to get to be the person who is in control and thus be respected for being the responsible one or one who steps up. It allows the BS to be the better person, the smarter person, the person who’s recognized as having it all together. They’re defining themselves as strong enough to deal with it, when actually they need to realize that maybe they should be taking care of themselves instead of proving their strength. This dynamic also allows a WS to feel less than capable, if they have underlying self-esteem issues it creates a further expansion of the space by which they can spiral that place.

Another common codependency issue is codependency to the self-absorbed or uninterested partner. This may happen in a relationship where only one of you is ever asking to get together or making moves toward the other one. Still, the codependent partner often finds some type of reward in this setup. For them simply being in a relationship - even one that’s not ideal - may also be comforting and allow them to see themselves in a particular way that they perceive is positive. A lot of times this is the case when the BS is the one with the low self-esteem . The BS says to themselves, I’m no good, no one would want me, and therefore I have to or should put up with this. These negative thoughts are very common, and they have a big impact on why people stay in relationships that may not be good for them.

Ask yourself a few questions regarding your relationship, see if you believe your codependent to the WS or the idea of the marriage. Is this relationship more important to me than I am? While love does have a selfless element, we all want to make partner happy, do you see yourself as “the giver” and your WS “the taker”. If so you might be codependent. Giving a lot for that person because you love them is fine, but you shouldn’t be destroying yourself to give it. If I have to do that, something’s wrong.

Ask yourself , What price am I paying for being with this person? This is a big one post affair. It can be helpful to jot down a list of things you’re giving up to be in this relationship. If you seem to always be putting yourself last, that’s not generally healthy for a person. If the price is costing you, well YOU! Its not worth it.

Ask yourself , Am I the only one putting energy into this relationship? If so you are definitely codependent and setting yourself up to be abused emotionally. You cannot make the marriage work with someone else who’s not. You need and deserve a partner, which means they give to you as much as you give to them. There is no couple when only one person is putting forth any effort, it’s a mother/father relationship.

Co-dependent marriages are the most abusive form of marriages. They are based on need, but are not healthy. Each partner in the marriage tries to take advantage of his or her hold on the other partner. This can often deteriorate into the sort of marriage where the two partners can neither live together nor live apart. This is where BS’s need to be aware, and stop the marriage from sliding into co-dependency. The individual needs the confidence to become independent, to stand on his own feet. There is no harm in encouraging inter-dependence, but co-dependence in a marriage must be avoided at all costs. This is really the beauty of the 180, it focuses back on us, not he WS and their behavior, not the desire to have a marriage that is other than what the piece of crap it is.
Hope this is food for thought!
LHAP


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, May 13th (Friday)

Thank you. Reading a book about co-dependency right now and it describes me to a T.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
ineedtoleave
Member
Member # 29332
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, May 13th (Friday)

Thank you for this. I needed it, it really opened my eyes.


BS(me)-52
WH-59
OW-43(married ex-Co-worker)
Married 6 yrs
DD#1: 3/19/10
DD#2: 5/11/10
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Posts: 963 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Arizona
HigherGround
Member
Member # 31644
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, May 13th (Friday)

I've learned that I need to stop just wordlessly taking on those responsibilities my spouse drops and call them on their withdrawl or lack of responsibility at the onset.

I've always been a fairly self reliant "just get it done" kind of person instead of a bitch, harp and moan kind of person. I learned to be that way in my FOO. (Alcoholic Father and then single mother). Self reliance key for survival.

And putting my marriage, my kids before myself is pretty common too. Rather than spend money on myself - I'll put it into savings for that "rainy day" I'll forgo/put off haircuts and new clothes in an instant if it seems the budget is too stretched for those things yet I didn't complain loudly and directly enough about HIS spending habits.

I also gave him too much space, too much free time while I pulled the weight. I knew he was having a hard time coping with DD1 and I thought space was what he needed. I allowed myself to excuse his behaviour because of the pain I knew he was experiencing and then sucked up my own and carried on because in my view somebody had to take responsibility.

Turns out what he needed was a swift kick in the ass. It would have been better had I called him out on his running away from problems and pain instead of facing it.

But where does one draw the line? Some sacrifice for marriage and family is necessary - no partner is ever perfect. You can't have it all...but I do recognise I was giving way too much.



Me: BW
Him: WH
2nd Marriage 6 years together for 7. D-Day in Feb 2011.
*DD1 almost 3 yr old, Quad Spastic CP, Complex Seizure Disorder.
*DD2 6 month old bundle of wonder.
*seperated - some good days; some not so good days.

Posts: 610 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, May 13th (Friday)

Higher,
Thanks for the response I think you’re really understanding this the same way, There are a few quotes of your I would like to comment on. And attempt an answer to your question from my point of view.

But where does one draw the line?
Some sacrifice for marriage and family is necessary - no partner is ever perfect. You can't have it all...but I do recognize I was giving way too much.

I think I understand your point here and will address it with the next quote that I love. But the thing in this quote that worries me is the term sacrifice… I Really felt this way there, in the affair time… Now, I know I am becoming codependent when I start using that term to describe it. I think if it is shared, communicated, acknowledged and its balanced with some giving on their part and taking on my part, then its not a sacrifice. Rather it’s a gift given to the marriage or family because they are giving to me. A gift of a piece of me I choose to give to the marriage or family and thus is not a sacrifice. I do feel like when I was codependent it was a sacrifice, it wasn’t a gift I was giving, but rather a dysfunctional amount of giving without reciprocation or balance. This makes this question you asked so important….

And putting my marriage, my kids before myself is pretty common too. Rather than spend money on myself

Yes!, I too gave way too much and there is a balance here. The point is it should be a shared sacrifice, no? We my WW and I should both be putting in the same. Communicating about what were giving to each other the kids and not competing about it but recognizing that we are BOTH contributing sacrificing for one another. The balance is important and communicating about it consistently is equally important. My WW and I were talking last night about the fact that there are times when she feels like I don’t provide her the space to contribute equally, WOW!!! I about fell off the couch, I love it! She felt like she wanted to contribute more? In the past I would have assumed I needed to give and she didn’t. We would not have discussed it and I would have just done it, kept feeling as if I was the giver and she would have felt she had no space to give so she didn’t need to be involved in the process, furthering her low self-esteem issues. The point being communicating the balance on an ongoing basis leads to a health place.

Turns out what he needed was a swift kick in the ass. It would have been better had I called him out on his running away from problems and pain instead of facing it.

I love it! I too wish I had given a swift kick in the ass….. Hope we can help other do just that!
Thanks Higher, I really appreciate your help and insight.
LHAP

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 11:42 AM, May 13th (Friday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, May 28th (Saturday)

Bump for many like higer ground and myself who gave too much, and pulled the weight.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
Feb 8, 2011
Member
Member # 31137
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, May 28th (Saturday)

Bumped for me


D-Day see username
and maybe March 11, 11
ME: 45 yr old BH
Her: 40 yr old WW
3 kids
married 11 years
Who is this woman in my house?!

Posts: 717 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: canada
horseluvr
Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, May 28th (Saturday)

Im reading this and in my head pops the story of our M. I will use an example that has actually happened.

Kids play sports, H coaches. When we first start out, we ride together, happy family but a little tense cuz we have to stop and get ice for the ice chest.
Next game: Don't want the tension so I say, you guys go ahead and I will bring the ice chest and everything so you won't be late.

Next game: They leave earlier, I am now bringing ice chest, chairs, wagon, and so on.

Next game: Don't have time to do my hair, makeup-forget it, I am lugging all the shit, look like hell, resenting the f out of my H, who when I walk up is carefee and chatting it up with the field whores(single mamas who use their kids to get men)
Next game: People talk about what a nice guy my H is but damn his wife always looks pissed and kind of sloppy.

Next game: Keep seeing OW around, she's laughing and joking around with my H, I say something to him and he says...just because your insecure, you accuse me of an A.

In a nutshell, yes i'm co-denpendant and have been for years. Slowly crawling my way out and learning to say NO Im sorry, that's not gonna work for me.

[This message edited by horseluvr at 11:41 PM, May 28th (Saturday)]


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
lucidlunacy
Member
Member # 23806
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, May 28th (Saturday)

Lordhasaplan?, thank you for this great post and sharing. I didn't even need to get through the second paragraph to start identifying. This just reinforces focusing and working on me:)

And horseluvr, reading you're example was like deja vu except I know it's happened to me, repeatedly (this is like extra, extra deja vu:). This take on the dynamic is mind blowing and sure beats resentment which only leaves me pissed and sloppy:)


October 2008

through herculean Kafkaesque temerity...


Posts: 229 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Hmm... which circle of hell is this?
howcoulditbe
Member
Member # 27238
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, May 28th (Saturday)

so very true. Thanks!


me-BS age 33 him-ws age 35
# of affairs: unknown, and at this point insignificant.
Currently seperated
Three beautiful children and happier than I have been in a long time.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Alberta, canada
horseluvr
Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, May 28th (Saturday)

Lucid..yep, same story 100x just different circumstances. I got so tired of people telling me how lucky I was because my H was so patient with the kids and funny as hell. One day I snapped and said oh yea..he called me a c*** an hour ago because I washed the wrong pair of pants that he was going to wear today. Everyone thought I was some uptight pissed of bitch and he was the fun loving poor guy that married a hag. If they could have spent 1 day in my house they would have had a whole diff opinion of mr wonderful.


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
MRSery
Member
Member # 32195
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 29th (Sunday)

WOW, eyeopener!!

I didn't realize these circumstances where the co-dependancy. It's seems so much clearer to see the situations as they are and how it unfolds.

I've had this happen myself so many times not seeing that I was swallowing the responsibility everytime thinking I was being nice and helpful & then one day seeing how I resented doing those things anymore.

I remember when we had our first child and went to visit a friend 4 hours away. My H made it all about golf and drinking. I saw it as bonding with a life long friend he doesn't get to see as often anymore. Then we went to the beach one day and everyone piled their things into the stoller with our 8 month old son. Got to the beach everyone ran down into the water while I stood there at the sidewalk waiting because I couldn't get the HEAVY stroller through the sand. I was pissed and let it out saying how f**king rude could you be to just leave us here type thing. His friends must have thought I was a real b**ch because of it. I later said how unacceptable it was for ALL of them to have done that.

Wow! I learned something new today.


Actions speak louder then words..

Posts: 68 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Vancouver, Canada
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, May 29th (Sunday)

I've always said that it's like I have 3 kids instead of 2...and that FWH is the defiant teenager. Very early on in our M I felt like it wasn't a partnership.

My question.... I know the role that I play in this, but he refuses to step up to the plate. His life is about him. His family always comes second to his work and alone time.

I feel like our M is doomed. Is it?


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
horseluvr
Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 29th (Sunday)

I will say Dr Phil is right on when he says, you teach ppl how to treat you. I was always the one saying, oh that's ok I don't care, shit on me that's fine, then later saying damn why does everyone shit on me.

I could write a book on all of the stories like the one I posted. Our life revolves around what his latest obsession is. Vacations, where he wants to go.

After my 3rd baby, I knew I had to start exercising quick because i had her in my 30's. I would get up at 4am and go to the gym. H would leave for work at 6am. All he had to do was be in the home til I got there. Baby woke up 2 weeks into my new workout plan. H had to give her a bottle. Oh boy, I had to hear him gripe and bitch because he didn't have time for that. Needless to say I quit going. Tried walking in the evenings after dinner, kids bathed, just a 45 min walk. He wouldn't tell me not to but I would get the looks that it was inconveniencing him. Once again I stopped. Ironically when he told me he wanted a D during A, the first thing that came out of his mouth was my weight.
Reading what I am posting is really pissing me off!! So mad at myself for letting someone get to me like that. I feel my inner lioness starting to roar.

[This message edited by horseluvr at 3:40 PM, May 29th (Sunday)]


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, May 29th (Sunday)

"You cannot make the marriage work with someone else who’s not."

I've finally realized that this is what it boils down to


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1758 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
HigherGround
Member
Member # 31644
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, May 29th (Sunday)

Of course when I became pregnant with DD2 and he was flying off the handle trying to make me see that we couldn't go through with the pregnancy

I told him that "this is happening with or without you." After D day he used the excuse that this made him feel "trapped" and like he didn't have a say. Then days later he cried from guilt of it all and said "even if I had agreed he wouldn't let me go through with "it" (meaning abortion) I would have never allowed him to pressure me into it in the first place.

I gave him a chance to get out back then (2 months pregnant) he had a choice to go honourably but he chose to stay and have an affair.

Not sure where the co-dependency is in that but there are times when I think I just should have left him then instead of reasoning with him and assuming that he was speaking out of a place of fear, pain and loss over DD1 and the circumstances surrounding her birth. It probably would have been better if I had made IC a condition of us staying together at that time but I never thought in a million years he'd betray me like this - I thought we'd have time for him to work through his shit and he'd come to his senses. I thought he was a stronger man than what it turns out he actually is.


Me: BW
Him: WH
2nd Marriage 6 years together for 7. D-Day in Feb 2011.
*DD1 almost 3 yr old, Quad Spastic CP, Complex Seizure Disorder.
*DD2 6 month old bundle of wonder.
*seperated - some good days; some not so good days.

Posts: 610 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, May 29th (Sunday)

Hello everyone,
Great thoughts? Several have asked/wondered if your giving too much was codependency? Codependency describes behaviors, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or caretaking. For example a marriage requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice, but if the caretaking or sacrifice reaches an unhealthy or personally destructive levels than your giving at the cost of yourself. Often this is because we want to cover for our partners flaws! Cover or create barriers so they dont accept consequences of their behaviors. Alcoholic families are famousfor this! Everyone accepts more so that person can unplug and suffer minimal consequences. For us BS's, sometimes they are depressed, or too selfcentered so we excuse their business work and the like. Or maybe we are so low ourselves we see it as a way to valide our existence in the marriage. The Codependency describes our behaviors, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of reciprocal/equal self-sacrifice or caretaking.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
southsidecali
Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, May 30th (Monday)

For me it wasn't so much codependency, although it was masked in a way.

I would give him an earful of his disconnect and my needs, etc etc..however, I settled and disconnected weeks probably into our relationship- I just felt trapped and did it due to my own FOO- abandonment issues.

I didn't want to have my kids grow up without a dad and settled for less.

But I do realize that in a way I did become codependant on just having someone- I realize now that it was never him.


Posts: 859 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, May 30th (Monday)

LHAP, your post rang so many bells it isn't true. I think my co-dependency was at its height in the six-month period where we were in 'R'. I was just so desperately grateful to have him back, yet terrified all the time that he'd go back to her. Afraid of my own shadow yet constantly desperate to please. Not one scrap or atom of love, appreciation or friendship did I get during that time. Not one apology that wasn't forced. In the end when I found him out again there was very little of me left. After therapy, anti-ds and finally meeting someone who does appreciate me, I now wonder who the flattened, desperate person was who was grateful to lie in bed at night next to an uncommunicative, cheating man. Reconciliation is only worth the name when the BS is leading the charge, and for me I wonder whether it EVER works when the affair was a real relationship with declarations of love etc. xx


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 904 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, May 30th (Monday)

A key element of codependency is that the process of "Rescuing" someone, i.e. 'solving people's problems for them...looks like a much friendlier act than it is. The problem is what ever their issues, we can't solve or even support at the cost of ourself. We need to distinguish a healthy ballanced and genuine process of helping from enabling behaviors, which are a destructive form of helping.
This is where the 180 and finding self is so important.
LHAP

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 10:25 AM, May 30th (Monday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, May 30th (Monday)

I will say Dr Phil is right on when he says, you teach ppl how to treat you. I was always the one saying, oh that's ok I don't care, shit on me that's fine, then later saying damn why does everyone shit on me.

BTDT......

My question is this:

How do you figure out how you should be treated? I did not learn this as a kid, no one showed me how to value myself, I do not really know what it looks like, when I do try, I feel selfish, and demanding, I feel bad.

I could go on, but will stop it here, as this is probably a bit of a T/J.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3469 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
sadandtrying
Member
Member # 19246
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 30th (Monday)

GraceisGood and anyone else who might be asking her same question....
I hope this is helpful...

I struggle with co-dependent relationships too, and with a deep feeling that I always have to "earn" love and value....by picking up the slack of others....

This summer my son and his fiance are living with us. I do most of the cooking and cleaning for everyone, and sometimes go to bed resenting it.
Long story short, last night at the dinner table I just simply said, I'm going in to take a bath now....I'll be out in time for dessert - which is in the fridge.
And I said it in a genuine, friendly way!

And presto! I got out of the bath and dinner was cleaned up and dessert was on the table!

My usual way would have been to feel "put upon", and also kind of the hero for "doing everything".....and instead of being straight-forward and matter-of-fact about it I would just "wait" and "hope" someone would notice all I was doing and step up to help.
...and the cycle continues.
Last night I changed it up and it worked!
The message was clean and simple - "I'm done with my part of the job here, and now I'm taking some deserved time for myself, and I'll be out for dessert in 20 minutes."

And they stepped up!
I did not feel "selfish, demanding, or bad" and I know they didn't feel I was any of those thing either.
I so hope I can do that again!!


Posts: 1064 | Registered: Apr 2008
1Forward1Back
Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, May 30th (Monday)

After D-Day and a lot of reading and counseling, I learned a lot about codependency and how I fit the 'bill' to a T in so many ways. I have worked very hard to change that. But every time I think I can safely say I am no longer a codependent, I discover some residual lingering touches of codependency. For example, I am working the Weight Watcher's program online (I pay the fees, I just don't go to meetings due to time constraints, etc.). My H makes wonderful wine. I love wine with many of my meals but it adds so many points to my daily count. My H needs to be praised for his efforts, whether it be his cooking, his wines, etc. I found this new wine made with diabetics in mind that has a fraction of the Weight Watcher point value of regular wine. When I told him I was going to buy this wine for myself from now on, he gets this 'little boy' disappointed look on his face and says, "But I made this and that wine just for you!!" My first reaction was to give in and say I would drink his wine. But within seconds, I changed my mind and said, "No way. I am on a mission to lose weight and feel better and the Weight Watcher's friendly wine is what *I* need. I've spent 30 some years trying to please you by giving up what I want and need and this is one example." No argument from H. He just gave in and didn't pull the sulk act at all. He's learning that I am slowly learning to put myself first and not the relationship. The relationship can come first when he puts as much into it as I am willing to do, if and when he gets healthy!!!!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Jiltedwife777
Member
Member # 31221
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 31st (Tuesday)

As usual....your eloquence is amazing.

I never really considered myself a co-dependant...but I guess I am.


Me - 36, WH - 40
Married 14 years
Kids - 9 yr old b/g twins (son is special needs)
Dday1 - 2/14/2011, Dday2 - 3/23/2011
Trying to R, but struggling with communication

Posts: 496 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: New England
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, June 29th (Wednesday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
september7
Member
Member # 29929
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, June 29th (Wednesday)

Bump.

Great article.


D-Day September 7, 2010
NC ended December 22, 2010 and I kicked him OUT! WH dumps OW July 2, 2011 and wants to R! Now he has been living with me in not the best circumstances, but we're paying for medical school for one kid and college the other.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Florida
Snowy
Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, June 29th (Wednesday)


You cannot make the marriage work with someone else who’s not.

A lot of what you say is 100% correct.

After D-day I became co-dependent. The reason I became co-dependent was because I was scared of loosing what I had. The life, the kids etc. Most BS are not prepared for the shock of an affair and cling on to everything as a defense mechanism. We start fighting and checking phones etc.

Like so many other BSs though, I reached a point where I realised I was doing all the work in trying to make the marriage work. I can remember this realisation as clear as today.

While we may try and analyse what went wrong and co-dependency is to be avoided, the bottom line is simply is;

You cannot make the marriage work with someone else who’s not.

Posts: 161 | Registered: Mar 2007
brokeninfl
Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 30th (Thursday)

Great post -- and great reminder....(sigh)


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
whatdoto
Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, June 30th (Thursday)

Great post!

I am just now realizing how codependent I have been in my M. One more thing to work on...


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
collateraldamage
Member
Member # 32546
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 30th (Thursday)

Thank you! Great article. Reading Codependant no More and attending CODA meetings. One more thing to work on (ugh).


Me:BS (46) Him:WH (46)
Married 20 years/together 26
Two DS 16/14
DD#1 2/1994 (PA) DD#2 1997-2000?? several EA DD#3 2/17/2011 PA 6 months DD#4 7/13/2011 My Space Account (from 20007) looking for casual sex 10/17/2011 DD#1,000,000... new EA

Posts: 199 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: los angeles
purplefinch
Member
Member # 32471
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, July 1st (Friday)

I too have just learned my role in this behavior. A lot of what you wrote is so true. Hard to break the cycle but...gotta do what I gotta do. Thanks for sharing.


Married 28 years, together 32; DD age 23
Me BW: 52
XWH: 54, liar
DDay 6/3/2011
skank-a-saurus: 48 yo FORMER friend of 30 years.
status: Divorced January 25, 2012!!

Posts: 674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Massachusetts
OnceWasEnough
Member
Member # 29991
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, August 10th (Wednesday)

As a codependent BS, I felt it was a good idea to read through this again.

BUMP!


BW-51, WH-54, M-32yrs, 2 grown DD's, DD#1-OW#1 1988, DD#2,3,4,5,6,7,8-OW#2 9/10, 10/10, 12/11, 8/12, 10/12, 12/12, 2/13 Just too many to matter anymore.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Oregon
2ndbest
Member
Member # 32446
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, August 10th (Wednesday)

Thanks for the great post. Every new BS ought to read it. My IC is helping me work on this. It's not easy to change my behavior. But you can't do a 180 when you're acting like a doormat.


In limbo
Il ne faut pas toucher aux idoles: la dorure en reste aux mains. - Flaubert



Posts: 145 | Registered: Jun 2011
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 14th (Sunday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, August 24th (Wednesday)

For (((exhaustedmum)))


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, September 28th (Wednesday)

Just back from MC. Bumping this for myself. Being a brother of a drug addict has its strong points, but the codependency is not one of them.... I need to get back to not sacrificing needlessly for others issues. Codependent no more!! No more neglecting myself for others issues.
LHAP?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, September 28th (Wednesday)

WH says HE is codependent and that is one of the reasons he can't re-commit to saving our M right now. He's working through those issues so he won't continue that cycle.

I'm really struggling with this because, much like Snowy, I find myself trying to control this fall out and FIX the damn M right NOW. And WH is not on board or with the program, and I'm left fumbling around in the dark trying to fix something that I can't fix alone.

FARK!!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3629 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
katiej
Member
Member # 14724
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, September 28th (Wednesday)

Bumping this. I needed to read this again!


First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 481 | Registered: May 2007
Jayne Doe
Member
Member # 32664
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, September 28th (Wednesday)

Well - just go ahead and hit me in the head with a 2x4!

Thank you for posting this.
I am bookmarking it and am going to read it every day until it sinks into my co-dependent head.


Everyday is a blank canvas, and only you hold the brush.
30y M traded in for a POM (pathetic Old Maid 46, 2 kids from different dads. never married)
S 11/11, D final 1/14.

Posts: 1457 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Suburbia, Arizona
MtnMama
Member
Member # 33151
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 29th (Thursday)

I didn't know what was wrong with me until my father (who was an alcoholic) got me to going to al anon. Tehn I got into IC along with Aanon meetings. The support that you can get from meetings is wonderful. There are meetings for codependancy both face to face and online.

After all the therapy I received and all the meetings I went to for years I slipped back into some behaviors that are not healthy for me. It's almost like I forgot everything I've learned.

Doing a modified 180 and taking care of me again. It's hard since I've been focusing on WH so long.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Ohio
MtnMama
Member
Member # 33151
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, September 29th (Thursday)

I'm #1 rescuer, fixer, people pleaser, worrier etc.

May I suggest "Codependant No more" By Melody Beattie.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Ohio
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, October 15th (Saturday)

BuMP cupcakegirl

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 1:25 PM, October 15th (Saturday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
surviving101
Member
Member # 33181
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, October 15th (Saturday)

LHAP,

Like always your post brings me peace and sheds some light into my own "relationship" with WW.

Ok, so now lots of us BSs know we are co-dependent with WSs... What should we do? Just stick to the 180?... What else would you recommend besides IC?


"I don't want to spoil the rest of your movie... but at the end everything will be all right."

Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2011
grownapair
Member
Member # 33622
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, October 16th (Sunday)

great post, very eye opening and def made me sit and really reflect on what I had and what I want/need. Thanks.


BS - me, 38, WH - 40
Kidlets 6 and 8
DD1 - I love you but... Jan 2010
DD2 - 5 Jan 2011, booted him out
R attempted April 2011, False R
DD3 - 5 Sept 2011, booted him out again
Dec 2011 - living together as a family
Jan 2014 - separated...AGAIN!

Posts: 162 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: UK
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, November 5th (Saturday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, November 24th (Thursday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
Philmac
New Member
Member # 33835
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, November 25th (Friday)

Thanks,
I really needed to read that... If only to clarify my behaviour of the last few years. While not to blame for my wife adultery (never ever will I accept that crock of sh*t she tries to feed me), this could help me understand our respective roles in fostering the environment that allowed it to happen.
Nothing occurs in a vacuum, and we were very long from a happy, healthy relationship before the storm.
Now to just not fall back into old habits... must go read the 180 primer again.

Thanks,
PhilMac


Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Stockholm Sweden
SilverRose13
Member
Member # 33982
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, December 4th (Sunday)

*bump*

i'm not sure i fall into the co-dependent category after reading this, not completely, anyway, but i thought it was well worthy of newer people like me to be reading. i am a people pleaser, i do know that, but i am also very good at not going so far as to make it a detrimental thing for myself. for example, i was almost always the one to do all of the cleaning around the house. my wh barely ever lifted a finger. i would get resentful, we would fight, etc. one day, i just stopped cleaning. wh is getting better about helping out around the house, but he's not perfect, and neither am i. our house is a chaotic mess most of the time. i have learned, without reading on the subject or anything, that i do have a backbone, and i can use it. and if others don't like it, they can kiss my behind, because it is not about them, it is about me.


Together 16 years, Married 13
BS (me; 32)
fWS (wtsmm; 32) 2 1/2 yr LTA
2 children, 11 and 5
DD #1 9/27/2011 (EA/Sexting)
DD #2 10/3/2011 (Some PA)
DD #3 11/28/2011 (Full Disclosure)

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Northern Illinois
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, December 20th (Tuesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

Alot of this out here right now.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, January 6th (Friday)

Yes, yes, yes... this was me, in the year of false 'R'! I kept thinking that if only I read enough books, cooked enough nice meals, listened enough, told him jokes, didn't nag him... he'd keep his promise to stay away from OW. In the process I became very ill with depression and anxiety to the point of high doses of medication and occasional hallucinations. He went back to OW six months into 'R' that wasn't... In retrospect I always knew that would happen. And in hindsight I'd say that unless the 'wayward' is falling over themselves with remorse, wooing you non-stop and showering you with gratitude for allowing them to stay with you, the marriage is a sick place to be. Infidelity, as we know, is a MASSIVE marriage-killer, which is why in its aftermath we BSs often strive to minimise it. After all those years together, we must be able to get through this, right? It's NOT for the BS to fix the marriage... in fact trying to do so will probably kill it stone dead. The 180 is damned hard, at a time when all you want to do is to be held... but it almost certainly short-circuits the hellishness of being the only person in a 'marriage' where someone is an unwilling participant being 'dragged back' (my WH's words).


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 904 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, January 7th (Saturday)

Just been reading some of these posts.

It all sounds far too similar..

There are similarities between my exGF and I and my current wife and I.

My previous relationship turned into more of a father daughter relationship. I provided the home, the money and helped push her into a new career fresh from uni and she'd sit back wilst I was busting a gut renovating my old appartment whilst she was "revising for finals" only to come out sweating ater hours of graft to see her watching TV on a 'break' with a cup of tea without the slightest hint of a "do you want a drink in there?" from her....

Roll on 6 years.....

Wife 8 months off work on materity, me working away sometimes 7 days a week to pay for the house renovations, trying to build a business up local so I don't have to work away any more and complete the renovations on the house in my spare minutes all the while the one day for example the wife sat on the sofa watching the royal wedding whilst my father and I were sweating our balls off upstairs trying to finish the house for the arrival of DD..... She also has a lot of issues that I feel she NEEDS my help to resolve when in reality she NEEDS to want to resolve them herself but she doesn't acnowledge they are actually real problems....

Amongst all of this I dont give her enough of ME? so goes elsewhere for emotional support..... and lots of shags!

Does this mean I'm the reason for both the relationships going tits up?

[This message edited by foreverempty at 3:03 PM, January 7th (Saturday)]


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 645 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, January 7th (Saturday)

NO, it doesn't mean you're the reason your relationships went tits up! It means that you have issues (as do I, my brother) that caused you to mate up with women who would act that way. You didn't cause them to act that way, you just unconsciously chose the kind of women who would.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10012 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, January 24th (Tuesday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
emilys
New Member
Member # 34612
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, January 24th (Tuesday)

I am a codependent, however this last year I have really tried to grasp this, I started setting boundaries, not putting up not being given back to. My husband is an alcoholic and started to go to AA regularily. After he still did not remain sober I moved out Oct 31st with my five year old son. I just now found out that he was having an emotional affair and a physical one since last Summer. He says the affair is over of course after I found out. I do love him and want to reconcile, I feel bad for him because he struggles so much. I do not however condone or have any excuses for what he did to me. I need to work on my codependency which I have, neither of us are ready to reconcile, he needs to work on him and I need to work on me, however we have a five year old together. I do not know how to set boundaries or where to begin. Any thoughts??

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Minnesota
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, January 24th (Tuesday)

Emilys, there is a great book I read this past fall titled, "Boundaries in Marriage". It was very helpful to me in backing up my decision to set some boundaries & enforce them. My IC recommended the book to me. It's a pretty easy read, although at times the examples & what's advised were so spot on to ME, it was hard to force myself to keep reading...

I also read a good book titled, "The New Co-Dependent" by Melody Beattie (spelling of last name?). Ohmygoodness, did she ever hit the bullseye! Again, IC recommended this book.

The critical thing here is that I've been reading & doing my personal growth for ME AND MY KIDS. I'm not doing it for WH or the marriage.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10012 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, January 24th (Tuesday)

I agree with nature girl. Beattie's codependency no more really spoke to me. There are also two threads on boundaries in JFO. I will bump those for you to read along with boundaries in marriage book. I hope this helps, point here is to speak to who you are, your value, and how you want to be treated.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
QVee
Member
Member # 34670
DOH!  Posted: 11:18 AM, January 29th (Sunday)

I was a codependent up until I found out, we went to counseling, and we started the R process. I never thought I was a codependent because I was always the one who "had her shit together." Our friends thought we were so right for each other because "I took care of him." He took care of himself with 2 OW in an online relationship.

Unfortunately, I learned that in counseling, the WS doesn't see your efforts of giving as supporting the relationship. They see it as controlling (which really underneath it all, it is) and become resentful. In no way does it mean that you caused the A or I. But it does mean that as the WS emotionally removes themselves from you, you "give more" and grasp for more control.

I'm still in marriage counseling, but now I feel free. I don't feel I have to run around always being the one who does everything and gives everything. Now I feel that HE helps take care of me.

A great book that helped him: The Flight From Intimacy: Healing your Relationship of Counter-Dependency. I learned that the other side of co-dependency is counter-dependency. He fit the counter-dependent profile to a T.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
Waiting@home
Member
Member # 24792
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, January 29th (Sunday)

QV-- Could you briefly mention some of the traits of the counter-dependent profile?


BS-me
DD1 Dec 13, 2008 EA
DD2 April 15, 2009 EA
M 17 yrs
Divorced the WXH


Posts: 321 | Registered: Jul 2009
QVee
Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, January 29th (Sunday)

This is directly out of The Flight From Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency (2008) by Janae & Barry Weinhold, PhDs.

-Feels anxiety when has nothing to do.
-Looks to other people, substances or activities to make them feel good.
-Has difficulty assessing wants or needs.
-Feels that he or she will be smothered if gets to close to spouse or friend.
-Anxiety towards intimacy.
-Exaggerates accomplishments, especially when meeting new people.
-Is afraid people will find out "who they really are."
-Demands perfection from self and others.
-Works long hours, but never seems to finish work.
-Feels controlled by others' expectations.
-Must always "be right."
-Afraid of being consumed by needs of others.
-Feels overly important when asked for advice or opinion.
-Difficulty forming and maintaining intimate relationships.
-Has trouble deciding if he/she wants sex or nurturing touch.
-Has trouble relaxing/chronic tension.
-Need to be center of attention.
-Does not like to admit mistakes.
-Projects anger when he/she actually feels guilt.
-Rejects help from others.
-Thoughts about sex each day that interfere with work.
-Often compares self to others.
-Fear of being controlled by others.
-Non-empathetic/Does not see needs of others.
-Denial of problems/denial of problems in others.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
Miss Saigon
Member
Member # 31965
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, January 29th (Sunday)

bump


BS - me 43
WH - 39
2 kids - ages 7 & 4
together 10 yrs, married 7 yrs

rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... give me truth.
-H Thoreau


Posts: 73 | Registered: Apr 2011
Waiting@home
Member
Member # 24792
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, January 30th (Monday)

Thx, QV


BS-me
DD1 Dec 13, 2008 EA
DD2 April 15, 2009 EA
M 17 yrs
Divorced the WXH


Posts: 321 | Registered: Jul 2009
starstruck
Member
Member # 29547
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, January 30th (Monday)

Thanks QVee.


DDay 7/29/2010
Am hoping to reconcile!! Am I crazy or what?
If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves-Thomas Edison

Posts: 323 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Pa
npain
Member
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, January 31st (Tuesday)

I am a caretaker by nature, so I fell right into this codependent role, but the funny thing is 1 year ago I kinda started finding myself. That's when the sh*t reallyhit the fan. I started pushing him to do things that he didnt before, I took care of myelf, lost 40lbs. And becuase I tipped the scales a bit, WH got mad, real mad. I was no longer playing the game. I started to push back and demand things. So by the time I confirmed his A, I was well out of the codependent role. In fact, after 5 months of watching him do nothing but sulk, I kicked him out in the middle of the night. I had looked at his phone and found he had been disrespecting me to his friends and allowing them to disrespect me in text messages. All of a sudden he is seeking counseling and trying to get to the bottom of his mess. And i have already told my pastor who is counseling him that I am not accepting anything less than 100% participation from WH in thi smarriage otherwise there will be no reconciliation. He has been giving me crumbs ans I refuse to accept that any longer. Codependent no more!


S, Filed 4/17/14--YAY, ME!!

Posts: 515 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
imarriedmymother
Member
Member # 34360
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, January 31st (Tuesday)

Hi, My name is imarriedmymother and i am a codependent


M 24 yrs
DD 9/9/11
Drunken ONS w/aquaintance, EA/PA with co-worker. Moved in w/AP 10/1/11, Kicked Out 12/19/11
Recongealed

24 years down the tubes, but at least I lost my man boobs.


Posts: 81 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: upper u.s.
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, January 31st (Tuesday)

imarriedmymother, welcome to the club. How will you untangle yourself and change your half of the equation? I know for me it has been a hard road, recognition goes along way to enable you opportunities for change.
Welcome.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
QVee
Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, February 2nd (Thursday)

Hi imarriedmymother!

I'm trying to kick my codependency tendencies to the curb. It's not an easy road, but it feel really good (unlike other forms of rehab/therapy)!

Welcome!


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
imarriedmymother
Member
Member # 34360
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, February 2nd (Thursday)

Lhap and QVee, Thank you for the welcome.I think my admittance is a start and in time i hope to start overcoming these issues,amongst others. I'm a work in slow process but progress. Thanks again, immm


M 24 yrs
DD 9/9/11
Drunken ONS w/aquaintance, EA/PA with co-worker. Moved in w/AP 10/1/11, Kicked Out 12/19/11
Recongealed

24 years down the tubes, but at least I lost my man boobs.


Posts: 81 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: upper u.s.
itwillrain
Member
Member # 34564
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, February 2nd (Thursday)

It's honestly difficult to put myself before the relationship, but that was me already. I was like that before the A.

Looks like IC might be a good idea...


D-Day: January 8, 2012.

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Toronto, Canada
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, February 3rd (Friday)

IC has helped me tremendously in learning to put a relationship in it's proper perspective. My upbringing was SO conservative Christian, I was literally rasied to be a doormat.

Which explains why I had such a wild late teens early 20's.

And then explains the mess I'm in now.

IC is liberating my mind and soul.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10012 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, February 15th (Wednesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, March 2nd (Friday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 27th (Tuesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, March 30th (Friday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
mitz66
Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, March 31st (Saturday)

Thanks for the bump and the thread. I know I am codependent. Funny thing is last year when I went to ic for 8 months my codependent behaviour was in full swing. I did not want the counselor to think badly of me and I did not work through everything I needed. I had all the right words as I am in the helping field and missed an opportunity to really examine my why of staying and putting up with crap. I recognized some things in myself but pushed them away. I have reread codependent no more and it is time for me to accept that I am only responsible for me. I do not want to live this way anymore, with or without my wh. Freedom!


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jan 2008
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, April 15th (Sunday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, May 24th (Thursday)

Bump!


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, June 3rd (Sunday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5147 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 8th (Friday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
pretendingtobe
Member
Member # 32690
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 10th (Sunday)

For the past year I have put lots of time and energy into trying to fix my FWH. Our dday is a year out. I was reading everything about his childhood issues to figure out why he did this, what he was looking for and on and on! It occurred to me on the beginning of the dday anniversary that I need to work on me, what a freakin' "DUH!" moment. I grew up believing that I would be selfish if I asked or needed anything..alcoholic home. I honestly thought I had worked out most of the FOO issues and the codepedency stuff. I apparently need to work on my stuff. I feel a little lighter just realizing I can only change me. I am not responsible for my husband's actions,inactions or behaviours.I LOVE THIS THREAD!!


Me:BW,, 47
Him:WH, 49
together 14 yrs.
married 6yrs.

Husband has had PA 7 yrs. ago
several online sexting, found out 05/29/11
another PA/EA:ended May,2011 found out July10/11
Husband thought we had an "open" marriage.Working on rec


Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2011
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 19th (Tuesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 2nd (Monday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, July 4th (Wednesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, July 16th (Monday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
Hawkette78
Member
Member # 36094
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, July 16th (Monday)

This post has been so helpfule to me. Exactly what was discussed at my counseling appt this morn. I came away today feeling stronger than I did when I went in.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Michigan
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
charbonnel
Member
Member # 36324
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, August 1st (Wednesday)

My WS has described our marriage as codependent although I'm not sure which of us is/was in which role. I certainly assumed the lion's share of household tasks while she was simply uninterested in anything connected to the home and struggled with our son in the early years. Friends tell me that she often expressed the feeling that she married too young (24) and had a child too yound (26) I am 18 years older than her. Her A was with a workplace superior (a senior partner in her law firm who is 28 years her senior and in a sexless marriage himself by all accounts). It continued for 3 years before I found out (she was betrayed by a spiteful friend). I want the marriage to continue and would do anything for R, while she persists in justifying her A on grounds she was miserable and trapped in a codependent relationship. More than two months after DD I am still devastated and have totally lost interest in my own life...I cannot seem to do the 180 even though I have been repeatedly told to do so. I hang on for crumbs and scraps from her (nights out occasionally, weekend time, staying over one night a week at her place with no sex but just a bit of cuddling). Until yesterday she gave no indication of wanting to end the A, but has said now that she asked the OM to back off, which he apparently did, but not before saying that he would be her "friend forever". I confronted him the day after DD and he told me that I treated my wife like a child and talked down to her....I was incensed to be told this by a philandering adulterer who in my view took advantage of my wife's insecurity, youth and unhappiness after she had been inappropriately pouring her heart out to him (they had an EA I suspect for at least 6 months before the PA started...at my WS's instigation apparently as he played a little hard to get, the smart bastard).
I know I have to accept what has happened but I have found it impossible to do so...What to do? IC doesn't seem to help, unanimous and repeated advice from friends doesn't seem to affect me, and at the same time I am facing the loss of my employment and worried about my mental and financial future. I often think about suicide but would not do it as I have a seven year old son, but I am totally distressed.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Aug 2012
FrozenTear
Member
Member # 32680
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, August 1st (Wednesday)

In many ways people from a distance does see my attitude as codependent. I disagree on many accounts. My boundaries had never changed and I didn't settle for what I thought I might deserve.

I was in some high stress positions, and I am a giver by nature but due to growing up in a family of public service, I did learn there has to be a balance of self, family and world. I had my issues but many from unexpected traumas and some issues with my parents. I had been in some counseling off and on due to my own personality traits as a kid (I was raped at 11) but prior to that I dealt with a lot of people in a lot of different states.

I took care of myself while taking care of my husband. I did have nearly total control over him after our last d-day. This included a suicide attempt on his part. He was released in my care to ensure he continued his medical care and his mental health care. He also assaulter a couple of officers on that day. He was legally released into my custody and I was in charge of making sure he did not leave town or miss any legal appointments.

There was a lot of 'should I' when it happened. I had a handful of things and talked to my clergy, IC and his IC and Psychiatrist before I accepted any of the responsibility. Those are parts people don't see. They don't see the part where he understood that he was back home because I cared for him but in no means was it a statement on where our marriage was. I told him it would take me a while to figure that out (Over 4 months) and that in the mean time I was not expecting to deal with it and I would call to have him removed and placed back in jail if he acted out. That was my right and I was not going to endanger myself or anyone in the house.

It's sometimes really easy to think we know what is good or not. I had a full support team (His MH professionals and mine, my family, and church) to help me out and to help out with him if I needed it. Otherwise I doubt I would have even considered it.

I do think those are great ideas to ponder while in the first stages of figuring things out and why IC is so important to help maintain that we are structuring our mindset for healing and not just for getting by or settling.


BS (me/wife)
WS (husband)
Last DD (12/14/2010)
Together since Dec, 19th 2006

"Chaos begins to multiply, exponential memories overide my sympathies."


Posts: 163 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: USA
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, August 2nd (Thursday)

Frozen,
I was in some high stress positions, and I am a giver by nature but due to growing up in a family of public service, I did learn there has to be a balance of self, family and world.

Many of us are givers and that is how the codependence starts the second part of that sentence is very important. learning the ballance and not giving too much of yourself and loosing your self to a dysfuctional abusive relationship.

I did learn there has to be a balance of self, family and world

WORD!


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
shocked1018
Member
Member # 34297
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, August 3rd (Friday)

Anyone know of a good book on this topic. Me to a t!!!!!


BS Me 37 WS Him 36
Married 13 years
Together almost 20
Two beautiful children 9 and 11
Trying R again and again

Posts: 62 | Registered: Dec 2011
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, August 3rd (Friday)

After you finish "Codependent No More" by beady. If you find that it rings true for you, there's an additional book that I would recommend, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. It's a Biblically-based guide to personal boundaries. I think the two together help you identify codependency and work to create boundaries to prevent it. Good luck.
LHAP?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, August 6th (Monday)

bumping to the first page


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3464 | Registered: Dec 2011
gitch
New Member
Member # 36292
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, August 7th (Tuesday)

Co-dependent is most definitely how I have been. Today I took my first steps toward 180, and I liked how it felt a lot. The old habits are going to take a lot to shake, of course, and they crept back in this evening a little.

For years, I've felt like I was the only person putting effort into fixing our marriage. I thought that her mood and lack of enthusiasm for the same thing was what affected me, but after reading the original post here I now realise there's a deeper issue at play. It wasn't my obsession with 'her', it was my obsession with how she was having a negative effect on our 'relationship'. I had been saying to myself that "I don't need her permission to feel happy" but in fact, that wasn't the mantra I needed. The one I needed was to say "I am more important to me than this relationship is to me".

My WW led me to believe she wasn't interested in intimacy with me but was happy with our marriage. I have since caught her red-handed and she is now saying she was not happy with our marriage, and wants to fix her lack of desire for intimacy with me. There's every chance that what she is saying could be true, but there's also every chance that it's not as well. I have to prepare myself for both.

Previously, whenever I considered that this might be a possibility, I felt caught at a crossroads between deciding in my mind I wanted out versus deciding in my mind I wanted in. I have now realised I don't need to do that at all. I have decided not to obsess over our relationship any longer. If she is genuinely interested in me, she will take steps to initiate intimacy. If not, I also know for a fact that she has a sex drive (from what I know she has done recently). If she tries to kid me about that for too long, chances are she will be getting it elsewhere again. She doesn't realise I have the ability to monitor her actions in exactly the same way as I found out before, so I'll know pretty much as soon as she decides to start acting on her urges if it's not with me. If that happens, then I will hopefully be at more of a stage where I don't need the relationship in order to be happy.

From what I have seen so far, she really is trying to turn over a new leaf. She is talking differently to her friends about us. She has told a few that she is trying to fix our marriage. This is reassuring for me.

Maybe it's counter-productive to try 180 and becoming less co-dependent whilst keeping an eye on her private interactions. I might try and cut it back over time. Right now, however, when I have next to no trust and am uncertain about whether she is fully behind this new future, it's the only way I have of really understanding whether she cares or not.

[This message edited by gitch at 4:40 AM, August 7th (Tuesday)]


Me (BS - 33)
Her (WW - 27)
Married 6 years, together for 7
2 children (5 years & 1.5 years)
DDay 07/21/12

Favourite Quote through all this: I never knew how strong I could be until it was the only choice I had left.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2012
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, August 7th (Tuesday)

bumping again


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3464 | Registered: Dec 2011
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, August 8th (Wednesday)

I have suspected for a long while that my WH and I are in a codependent relationship and have been for a long while, even before DDay. In fact, I was actually trying to actively work on my part in this when DDay exploded on me.

For me, though, I've always felt that both WH and I are equally co-dependent on each other. It wasn't just about one person always taking and the other person always giving. We took turns in this, or in some aspects, WH was the giver, I was the taker, and in other aspects, it was vice versa.

This article sort of summed it up for me http://psychcentral.com/library/id63.html . It said


Co-dependency occurs when two people form a relationship with each other because neither feels that he or she can "stand alone." Neither person feels capable or self-reliant. It is as if two half parts are trying to make a whole. Both partners are seeking to become psychologically complete by binding the other partner to themselves. For example, a female partner may spend most of her attention and time assisting her lover in recovering from drug addiction. She feels a sense of purpose and may appear to be wonderfully self-sacrificing. However, she may also be avoiding her own unhappiness and personal issues -- like her fear of abandonment. Her partner may believe that he can't deal with his addiction without her. He vacillates between feeling grateful for her help and resentful for what he feels is her nagging and smothering behavior. Many co-dependent partners report feeling "let down," "taken advantage of," or "trapped" by their needy partner when they are really "trapped" by their own overwhelming neediness. The addicted partner is also using his complaints about the relationship to avoid dealing with his own neediness and addiction

"neither feels that he or she can "stand alone." Neither person feels capable or self-reliant. It is as if two half parts are trying to make a whole. Both partners are seeking to become psychologically complete by binding the other partner to themselves. <--This.

The irony is that my WH and I sort of joked that we were co-dependents not too long ago. I now think it was a cry for help on both our parts that we were too afraid to admit or act upon... at least not constructively or healthily.

I'm trying to look into counseling options, now. I think before DDay, I kept excusing the need. "We" were still "working", I said. Obviously, I couldn't have been more wrong. I'm afraid to hope one way or the other for our M... but I hope that if nothing else, this is the wake up call for us to figure out our personal issues. My awareness compels me to remind myself that I can't do that for him; I hope he takes the opportunity-- but I know I'm definitely going to try my best to address the issues in myself now.

[This message edited by justjul at 12:59 AM, August 8th (Wednesday)]


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, August 11th (Saturday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 28th (Tuesday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, September 14th (Friday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 18th (Tuesday)

bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
OathswornDad
Member
Member # 36742
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, September 18th (Tuesday)

Thank you. I needed to read this. It will hurt so bad not having a partner. But I have to be comfortable with myself if I am going to have any chance at R

[This message edited by OathswornDad at 3:45 PM, September 18th (Tuesday)]


Me(BH):28
WW:32
2 kids: 3 yo & 20 mo
D-day: 9/1/12
Status: divorced

Posts: 152 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baton Rouge
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, September 29th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
kannan
Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, September 30th (Sunday)

Bump

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
Hannelore
Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, October 1st (Monday)

I just finished reading this whole thread, and I'm literally smiling! I'm codependent and know it! I've made some big scary changes in the last 6 months - I won't say I'm codependent no more but well on my way! Full disclosure is coming up soon, maybe it wont be as horrifying as I imagine ... Do I feel a glimmer of hope for a brighter future?


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 154 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Hannelore
Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, October 1st (Monday)

Oh - and thank God for this site and all you good people. I take what I need and just leave the rest. Feeling so hopeful is so weird after all these months of darkness and despair. Wow.


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 154 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
deeplyblue
New Member
Member # 36897
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, October 5th (Friday)

Bump!


BS(me):37
WSH: 34
OW: 23
married for 2 1/2 yrs
together for 4 yrs
children : 2
DD 27/7/2012
Status: He wants R, I want S/D.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: deeplyblue
Diva0702
Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 4:14 AM, October 5th (Friday)

Simply excellent


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
scangel3
Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, October 5th (Friday)

Thank you for this, unfortunately me and my wh are at the part where you say:
This can often deteriorate into the sort of marriage where the two partners can neither live together nor live apart

scary place to be!!!


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
Carrie22
Member
Member # 32788
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, October 6th (Saturday)

I needed to read this in the wake of a current Dday 2, and wish I had found it in the aftermath of DDay1. Thank you

Posts: 51 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, October 13th (Saturday)

weekend bump.

Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
diditagn
Member
Member # 3433
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

Bump for newbies


Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.

Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: WI
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, October 22nd (Monday)

Bump for Newbies


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, November 26th (Monday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, November 27th (Tuesday)

bump for beforeandafter


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, December 10th (Monday)

bumpin'


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, December 10th (Monday)

Bump for me.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 288 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: I'm surrounded by majestic mountain ranges
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, December 24th (Monday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, January 3rd (Thursday)

Bump for newbies.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, January 18th (Friday)


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)

Bumpin' for newbies


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

newbees!


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 1st (Friday)

Weekend Bumps for Newbies


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, March 18th (Monday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
bwok3
New Member
Member # 38423
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, March 18th (Monday)

yep that's me


ME: 46 BS
HIM: 49 WH
Married 28 years
Separated
DD 21
DS 27
D-day-1 1986-but still denies it to this day
OW#1 PA - I think it was just a one night stand
D-day 2 Sept 25-11
OW-#2 EA & other online crap
Filing for D soon

Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2013
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, April 29th (Monday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

For ((Calikid))


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 11th (Friday)

I have been a codependent for a LONG time. My biological mother was an alcoholic and was never around. I was left home alone on numerous occasions around the age of 4-6 with my younger sister. I also grew up in foster homes. It's really no wonder I have this constant need for acceptance and approval. I've always been a people pleaser, agreed to things I didn't want to do, said yes when I wanted to say no, and avoided conflict at all costs. I always knew that about myself and HATED it but never knew there was a name nor how unhealthy it was. I went from one relationship to another, feared being alone, and stayed too long in bad relationships.

Until my Wh cheated on me. It was at that point I realized how awful I had been to myself. I had given up a career I loved, I had put off school because we couldn't afford my student loans, I overwhelmed myself by cleaning up after everyone and never asking for help, I took care of Wh's four kids from a previous marriage more than he did, I put my own daughter's needs behind Wh's, I accepted the bare minimum while Wh got the best, I gave, I gave, and I gave until I couldn't give anymore. And where did I land???? A sahm, with no job, no dreams or goals, no life outside of motherhood, no hobbies, and a complete shell of a person. Yet, it wasn't enough to keep Wh from straying. As much as I gave, it wasn't enough. I still didn't give him the "attention" he needed.

I'm wide awake now and realize just how pathetic I had become. I allowed that to happen to me. I allowed others to use me. I'm done with all that.

I am at a crossroads, however. Do I try to make my marriage work? Or do I let go and finally focus on ME? I'm trying to do both.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, October 11th (Friday)

c11,
You can do both but it takes fixing and working on you first. You need to get healthy enough that you make the choice to stay not out of obligation but desire to rebuild and have ehte marriage you deserve. Have you found a good IC? one who can help you make healthy choices for yourself?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, October 11th (Friday)

lordhasplans- I start IC next Wed and we will start MC the next day. My biggest fear is I will continue the co-dependent behavior and never really work on myself. Recognizing it has helped some however. In some situations I have found myself start to behave how I normally would and then I stop myself and put my foot down. Some progress has been made I suppose.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 11th (Friday)

"I'll forgo/put off haircuts and new clothes in an instant if it seems the budget is too stretched for those things yet I didn't complain loudly and directly enough about HIS spending habits."

Yes. Me, too.

And I took his three grandchildren children on a very nice vacation. He whined all the way through. Later I found he was calling OW the whole time and went round to fuck her the day after we got back.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 1:35 PM, October 11th (Friday)]


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, October 11th (Friday)

I didn't read all the responses to this thread, so if someone else has posted what I am about to say, I apologize for making people read it a second time.

I've read several things that have countered the "codependency" label. A better description of the BS response is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD. I've even seen it specifically called Post Traumatic Infidelity Disorder, or PTID.

The behaviors a BS manifests line up with PTSD, and we should not be considered codependent, as shock and the other traits that come with it are normal responses to such a traumatic event as infidelity.

The treatment and recovery from PTSD are similar to what is required to "heal" from infidelity.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Whattodo2012
New Member
Member # 37773
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Wow, gives me some things to think about regarding myself. Not in a self-deprecating way....more of a "how to better myself" kind of way. I appreciate the initial post & will read more of the replies when I have some time.


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2012
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, October 11th (Friday)

I am not new but just read this. Right now I am reading Co-Dependant No More.

I saw myself in your initial post....

******This dynamic allows the BS to get to be the person who is in control and thus be respected for being the responsible one or one who steps up. It allows the BS to be the better person, the smarter person, the person who’s recognized as having it all together. They’re defining themselves as strong enough to deal with it, when actually they need to realize that maybe they should be taking care of themselves instead of proving their strength.****

The thing is - my H has owned the A from the get-go. He started taking accountability not just for the A but for things he let go around the house, being more hands on with our boys, standing up more with regards to his family. It was like a switch went off and 10 months later he is consistent.

I find I love the new attention from him and certainly don't want it to stop but I also recognize that I need to be happy with me no matter what.

I am quite relieved to not be controlling so much in our lives anymore. It was exhausting. But I do catch myself doing it every now and then. It's like I need people to go, "Wow! you are awesome!" Or, "if it weren't for LA, this would have fallen apart". Thus, the book.

ps: the woman talking about lugging all the stuff to the game and looking like hell and resenting her H who was being fawned over by all the women was so us. I have a different example but its all the same really.

Good post. Thanks again!

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:22 PM, October 11th (Friday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, November 16th (Saturday)

Bumping


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, November 16th (Saturday)

Bumping


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
littlemrsV0813
New Member
Member # 41148
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, November 16th (Saturday)

[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 10:54 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 44 | Registered: Oct 2013
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 3:22 AM, November 17th (Sunday)

It's great that you've got to the point of realising this. Now you need to work on getting respect and love from him, and making those dealbreakers dealbreakers!


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 904 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

bump


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1923 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Bumping for flayed


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, March 10th (Monday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, April 4th (Friday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, April 6th (Sunday)


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 1st (Thursday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 30th (Friday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
Merida
Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, July 4th (Friday)

OK re-reading this as I kick myself in the butt for getting more wrapped up in WH's business than my own

ugh

right = I can only control me

not God's business
not other people's business


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
totalheartbreak
Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, July 4th (Friday)

Bump for m''self.


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"
time isn't what you think it is.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Dec 2013
12yearsloyal
Member
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 4th (Friday)

Yes, I see myself in here a bit. Great post, first time I saw this one. My tendency is to value the M more than myself. This is wrong. I can't fix it by myself, need a willing partner.


Him: WS, 51 LTA/EA/PA(he says 1 yr, evidence = 2 yrs)
Me: BS 52
OW: Caribbean whore, ugly
What I want: Profound, deep, passionate love.
What I got: Betrayal, heartache and Xanax.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Apr 2014
Jomarion
Member
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, July 6th (Sunday)

Thanks,Lordhasaplan, for this post. it is a lot both intellectually and emotionally to take in. I am trying hard to heal. Your words are helping.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 192 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1920 | Registered: Nov 2010
southernmess
New Member
Member # 44325
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, August 14th (Thursday)

Horseluvr ....thank you for sharing your story....I related so o much .....I lol all day everyday ....how my h and dd1 & dd2 look fantastic ...are stress-free & I'm the hot mess that happened I have no idea what confidence feels like ..before dday...I had questioned my wh and checked his phone repeatedly. ..he actually became angry in my lack of trust in him ........saying ** your so damn insecure**. ..its sad...stop living in the past! All along he was indeed involved in ea & debating seeing a prostitute...bc he had fantasies of acting out really disrespectful sexual porn like stuff ....that he could never do with me bc im his wife and mother of his children....gee he's so considerate ..NOT!


BLINDSIDED HEALING

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: southernmess
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:27 AM, August 22nd (Friday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5147 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, August 29th (Friday)

Bump


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2359 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
CharachterReveal
Member
Member # 43477
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, October 28th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 116 | Registered: May 2014
franklymydear
Member
Member # 45409
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, October 28th (Tuesday)

This hits a huge nerve with me. A good one though. Our whole marriage everyone told me how lucky I was to have such a great guy. It's all I have heard for 20 years. No one ever told him he was lucky. I was the one who got the amazing gift of a husband apparently. I gave up so much of who I am to please him. He insisted on no conflict what so ever. He presented himself as flawless. The whole time he behaved very narcissistically. I was a good wife, but he treated me like a ball and chain. He claimed that I never let him go do anything, while I openly encouraged it. He just didn't have any friends because he is a taker. He didn't have anyone to go out with, and I did. But, he blamed me. He broke my independent spirit. He isolated me from friends and family, all while acting amazingly loving. Then, the affairs happened. All I got from everyone is, "Oh, everyone makes mistakes." No one cared about my well being because he has everyone so shammed about what a great husband he is. It seems like everyone thinks it's my fault somehow. It doesn't matter that I have supported him and been positive through everything. I stroked his ego, was physically affectionate, and kind. I gave him sex whenever he wanted it.

When the affair happened, we had lots of sex, because somehow I felt it would keep him away from other women. I chased him. He was emotionally unavailable to me, and I chased while he retreated.

I went to the doctor and he gave me a stern lecture about how I should behave. He gave me some great meds. I turned around emotionally. I realized what a sham this whole thing has been. Once I withdrew, he started chasing me. He can't do enough for me, say he is sorry enough. He started IC. He is reading like crazy. Now, I'm not sure I want to be with him.

Shrugging the monster of codependence changes everything. I am feeling my feelings. I am no longer desperate to hang on or fix things. It's refreshing.

Last night was rough though. The football game would not come up on our TV. He wanted to walk down the street to a bar to watch it. I was all for it and wanted alone time. He yelled at me and accused me of holding him prisoner, even though I wanted him to go. He went. He apologized for his behavior, but I can't forgive him.

[This message edited by franklymydear at 6:36 PM, October 28th (Tuesday)]


BS (Me)-41
WH (him)-41 in IC
D-Day 1 EA August 27, 2014
D-Day2 PA- August 29, 2014
Definitely not in R- Just in hell.


Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2014
Topic Posts: 164