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User Topic: Help your spouse heal from your affair
jlbado80
Member
Member # 32532
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 31st (Sunday)

Has anyone read this book? I ordered it on Amazon and I hope that it comes in soon, but I also hope that it provides me more insight on exactly how much I have hurt my BH! Thanks!


Me: WW, 30 yrs old
Him: BH, 35 yrs old
Kids: 10 & 13, both girls
Married: almost 10 years, together
15
Status: He filed for D on 6/27; Started the R process Jan 2011

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2011
yme00
Member
Member # 31668
Default  Posted: 3:44 AM, August 6th (Saturday)

I posted a question about this book in another forum. If you have recieved your book and read it please let me know how you like it.


Me - late 20's, STBX - late 20's
Married 9 years
2 kids
Going through D

Posts: 111 | Registered: Mar 2011
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, August 6th (Saturday)

It is an EXCELLENT book! The BEST of any I have read. It is a very SHORT book that can be read in a few hours, but covers all the bases, and reads like a SI member might have written it.

After that, I would recommend "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

But if you think you may have trouble getting your WS to read...definitely go for the McDonald book first. My WH loved the Linda McDonald book, and said that it "explained" to him why I felt the way I felt, and that until he had read it, he just thought I was "weird" for feeling the way I felt.

Peace.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 4:07 AM, August 6th (Saturday)

Oh, and I forgot to mention, any other book, other than the two mentioned above, are absolute CRAP as far as I am concerned, and always blame the spouse for the A. (At least the ones I have read, or skimmed through have)!


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
yme00
Member
Member # 31668
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 6th (Saturday)

Thanks! I enjoyed Not just friends as well. I am going to order this other book asap.


Me - late 20's, STBX - late 20's
Married 9 years
2 kids
Going through D

Posts: 111 | Registered: Mar 2011
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, August 7th (Sunday)

My WH is half way through this book. He could have read it all in one night, but got tired and put it down. He said there was nothing in it so far that he disagreed with. I am thinking about reading it also.

DO NOT READ Torn Asunder.

I wanted a good christian book and our MC even suggested this book. Once that dunce of an author wrote that *I* as the BW had to own up to my share of what caused my husband to stray, that was the END of that book.

My WH wanted to hold strong to those words, but we eventually got to a place where he no longer agreed with this. This book helps the WS justify their affair in some sense.

Since life is SO MUCH BETTER (not) since dday... I have pointed out to WH many a times that life is WAY worse than it ever was when he thought he was "unhappy".

He 100% agrees.

Sorry this post was supposed to be about this book. Anyway, seems highly recommended.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
August78
New Member
Member # 32757
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, August 9th (Tuesday)

I agree that torn asunder was not a good book to start out with. Maybe years after, I could disconnect myself enough from the pain to look at this so clinically, but I bought it a week after d-day and threw it in the trash almost instantly.
MyHeart...what is that link?! talk about taking a mind movie to a different level lol


BS me - 32
WS - 36
3 kids
D-Day: 5-24-2011

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sacramento, ca
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, August 9th (Tuesday)

August: You like that movie?? Its based on a true story

I was totally engulfed in torn asunder until that part came. My MC (who I thought was God at the moment) recommended it... and so it was mine and WH's bible. We read it together as a matter of fact. THEN came the blame part.. I was so pissed. And WH grasped onto it like it was a huge knot at the end of a rope. He was all about that... for a minute.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Mamato3
Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, August 9th (Tuesday)

Oh, this book sounds good! We're working through some Patrick Carnes books right now (he's an SA expert), but this sounds like something we'd both appreciate.

And I'm so glad to hear the warning about the "Torn Asunder" book -- thinking that would NOT be very helpful to either one of us.


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
glastron
Member
Member # 27886
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, August 10th (Wednesday)

I have the book and read it. I thought it was very good and to the point about what the BS needs and what the WS needs to get. I gave it to my WH (separated for 10 months now). He said he read it and it P**** him off. Obviously he has no remorse.

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
jlbado80
Member
Member # 32532
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, August 10th (Wednesday)

Finally received my book today...About to go and read the book and hoping that it will give me a real look into what my BH is feeling, since he is choosing to close me off at this point! It's a very short book, must be short and to the point!!


Me: WW, 30 yrs old
Him: BH, 35 yrs old
Kids: 10 & 13, both girls
Married: almost 10 years, together
15
Status: He filed for D on 6/27; Started the R process Jan 2011

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2011
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, November 24th (Saturday)

"How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" is the best book for the WS I have ever read. imho it's a LOT better than "Not Just Friends". I think it should be required reading for every WS.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3882 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, December 6th (Thursday)

I think this is an excellent book. It is blunt, no-nonsense, and full of good advice--and as others have mentioned, a short read. It was helpful to me in knowing how to approach my WH (I read it before our Big Talk), and I think it has been helpful to him as well (so far, he seems to be following all the suggestions). There is none of this blame-the-BS stuff, either. Thumbs up.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 360 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, December 8th (Saturday)

Read this book myself. I highly recommend it to any WS who wants to understand.

As others have said, it's short and to the point. THIS is what you did, THIS is how your BS feels, THIS is what you need to do to fix it.

I didn't read the other books usually recommended on here because (from the length) I felt the author(s) would be trying to psychoanalyze me. My H bought most of the books recommended not long after Dday. When we got How To Heal Your Spouse I'd already "gotten it" and was working to find my why. I read it anyway just to see if I HAD actually gotten it and was on the right path.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5860 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Trusttrusttrust
Member
Member # 37694
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, December 17th (Monday)

We have both read this book. It is well done. I actually went through it last night and highlighted what was particularly important for my H to read. I also bought him the Not Just Friends book. I am reading it now and I will also be highlighting that one. I can only say this whole thing is so dang hard.


Married 31 years
D-Day Sept 3, 2012
I thought we were in R. Now I am not sure.
Second D-Day August 5' 2013
No kids

Posts: 97 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Virginia
TryingToBeKind
New Member
Member # 37813
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, January 7th (Monday)

"Help your spouse heal from your affair" is great, but seems to assume that the marriage must be saved at all costs. It also asks for commitments from the WS that may be insincere if offered right away. It takes a while, typically, for the WS just to "get" what they've done, and to understand that, almost no matter what the partner did or did not do, an affair is not an optimal response.

The book also doesn't fully reckon with the fact that the hurt spouse needs to understand what happened enough to have a sense of whether it could all happen again. That requires getting into the mind of the WS a bit, and doing that, for better or worse, requires some self examination and an understanding of the conditions that preceded the affair. And that means being willing to acknowledge some mistakes and wrongs. This book tends to put everything on the WS.

Having said that, I'd just note that the books stance is a useful tool for a WS in the sense that they are often so out to lunch, so unwilling to see the depth of the hurt they have caused, and/or so convinced that the marital relationship was so bad that the affair was totally justifiable, that they have trouble empathizing and/or even talking about the affair in a way that explores how they could have done better (and how an affair was not the only way). Anyway, this book acts like a blunt object - not as blunt an object as an affair, but blunt enough to help a willing WS stop for a moment and think, and maybe, possibly "get it."

I found the book very useful, but I told my WS that although I didn't agree with the seeming philosophy behind it, most things said in the book (e.g., about how to make me feel safer) are right on target, as if the author could read my mind.

The beautiful thing about this book is that it communicates simply and elegantly how deeply the WS has violated vows and trust, and how huge an effort it will take to repair those wounds. Most everything else I've read equivocates and makes me feel responsible for a choice that was made by someone else - or even obscures the fact that there was a choice. I believe your WS must get past all the history and mistakes you made, and understand that they made an incredibly damaging, trust-destroying choice, at least if they are committed to the process of reconciliation and healing. This book makes that fact very clear. It should be read both separately and together, with tears and affirmation that it speaks the truth about how you feel.

If your WS still doesn't "get it" after you go through this book (which I wouldn't recommend until a couple of months after D-Day), then you may legitimately question whether he or she ever will.


Me: 52, Her: 51, Married: 29 yrs, D-Day: 2012-10-23, Struggling to R

Posts: 8 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: TryingToBeKind
stillstrong
Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, January 17th (Thursday)

We've been S for 3 1/2 mos. STBX read a chapter or 2 the other day and started sobbing. I haven't seen him cry in over 20 years.
I'd say it's a good book.


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, February 15th (Friday)

This book it fabulous and easy to read!


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
HowToLiveWithIt
Member
Member # 18662
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 4th (Sunday)

In my case this book seemed to be a savior. I got it as an audiobook and suggested it to my WW, no response first.

Then we had another TALK, when she tried to punish me for asking too many questions, by answering them with probbaly too much honesty and no remorse. Telling me things like, i"f only OM was younger I would leave you, and listingnall his great features. I was quite crushed, and let her know this .. With not much hope.

Then, she listened to this book and in her, and book words "she got It". We will see how long it will last but she really apologized and showed a real remorse for the first time. It seems me that this book was what broke the camels back, and brought her to her senses and real R.


Me BH 50, seemingly married happily 25 years
Wife 47, had 3 PA affair, last one developed as EA but then turned PA and sporadic meeting 2 times a year at conferences but lasted for 8 years. Trying to reconcile.

Posts: 64 | Registered: Mar 2008
Gotmegood
Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, May 5th (Monday)

Agree with other posters. I stumbled onto this book by accident on Amazon. I was tired, in shock and exhausted from crying to try and explain how I felt to my WH.
I was starting with "aren't you glad it was only a prostitute?", so we had a loooong way to go, and as I said, I was empty and decimated. This book did it. Succinct and to the point. One of the most helpful things I've done. Gave it to WH for Christmas.
:)


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 403 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
BrokenPiecesofMe
New Member
Member # 42282
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

I just ordered this book from Linda McDonald in hopes that it will help me & my situation. I love this man & just want the healing process to start. Feels like such a long road.

Thank you for your comments. I have read MANY books & I agree most are CRAP. SO its nice to hear that this is a good one.


Not Married-felt like we were married-high school sweethearts.
Me: 29 BS
Him: 30 WS
DDay: April 2013 - EA with COW-she is so insignificant & not worth MY precious time; I can't even go there.
Been together 14 years, I hope we can recover now

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: San Diego, CA
Lark
Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

I bought this the morning after DDay. My husband read it in a couple hours - it's a short book but is really spot-on. I read it too and felt it really showed my experience well.
My husband's communication changed 180 degrees after reading this book. He started talking. He'd been apologetic since almost the very beginning, but now he started communicating and realizing the depth of what he'd done. He read the book a 2nd time the same weekend, then 2 more times over the week. I think it helped lead to his crisis-click moment where all his defenses finally fell away and the staggered truths just became a waterfall of them.

We are now reading NOT Just friends, which was a really good book to follow-up this one to. This one helps get things rolling and understand the emotional side, and NOT Just friends seems to be more about helping understand the whys and what to dos now


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Delilah169
New Member
Member # 43689
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

How to Help You Spouse Heal from Your Affair was absolutely by far the best book I read, and I read at least 30. I highlighted practically half of it, and then gave to WH to read. That book "got me", quoted me, knew me, knew what I needed. My H turned the pages, don't think he really gave it the proper respect. Then I talked to him one day about how very very important it was to me, how well it described how I was feeling, and he bought his own copy. Hopefully, he'll really read it this time. Not Just Friends is a good follow up to this book. Everything else I read was pretty much crap.


Me - BS, Him - WS
Her - POS WB Fake Friend
Married - 22 Years, together 25
One 21 yo DD
DD - 4/28/13, TT since then
Trying hard for R
"Life might be a little simpler if we just got over it"
"It all seems so clear in hindsight"

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2014
Topic Posts: 23