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User Topic: Narcissistic Lovers
SierraGrace
Member
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, August 11th (Thursday)

Narcissistic Lovers by Cynthia Zayn and Keven Dibble, M.S.

Has anyone read it and did it resonate?

My IC gave me this book this past weekend when I did a follow up after not seeing her for a while, and after the events of last week. I wish she'd have given it to me sooner....could have saved another year or more of this bullshit.

I'm only on Chapter 6 but it's like reading about my life over the past 6 years with xSO who exhibits almost every trait of NPD. It's sickening and enlightening all at the same time. I wished I'd known about this book 5 1/2 years ago...the pain and years wasted that could have been avoided.

Just wanted to let you all know and see if anyone has read it. Y.I.K.E.S.


BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
neverbelieve
Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, August 12th (Friday)

I downloaded this yesterday based on your recommendation. You're right - it's a fantastic book and a little strange to read. It's like someone was watching my life through a window for the most part.

I'm really enjoying this, thank you for the recommendation.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
SierraGrace
Member
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, August 12th (Friday)

OMG...me too.. I'm trying to read it every chance I get and keep getting hit upside the head with how accurate the behavior is.

xSO is NOT officially diagnosed by the way. But from EVERYTHING I've told my IC...he fits the bill and saw that within the first few pages...


BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
neverbelieve
Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, August 12th (Friday)

Same here - undiagnosed but my IC said that he seems to fit the bill and from everything I've read, he is exactly what they describe.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 12th (Friday)

Narcissistic Lovers. That is an oxymoron since narcissistic people only love themselves. Or so I have read.

I know what you mean, and I looked at the book on Amazon and read a few chapters. Looks scary to me especially since so much of it applies to my situation.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
SierraGrace
Member
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, August 13th (Saturday)

Really...why did we have to learn about this AFTER the fact. Would have been nice to know what to look out for before hand.

Like in high school..they should have taught math, history, science, economics and PERSONALITY DISORDERS TO BEWARE OF!!


BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
TryingToBreathe
Member
Member # 14935
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, August 13th (Saturday)

why did we have to learn about this AFTER the fact. Would have been nice to know what to look out for before hand.

Exactly!

I'd love to borrow this book once you've finished with it, Sierra.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Jun 2007
SierraGrace
Member
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, August 14th (Sunday)

TTB, it was actually a loaner from my IC but I put in on my wish list on a paperbackswap group I belong to. There are a few others ahead of me waiting for it so it may take a while to get. Another girlfriend wants to read it also, so I may just buy it to pass around. This one will ultimately be a keeper but I'd happily lend it out when I get my own copy!!


BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
neverbelieve
Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, August 15th (Monday)

I'm re-reading it already. It's scary how true it all is, and it's honestly depressing. It's just so easy to get sucked in by these people.

I have it on kindle or I'd send it out to anyone wanting it, but I can't recommend it enough if you're dealing with one of these creatures.

And yes, personality disorders should be a class in high school, as should "signs you're being cheated on"!


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, August 15th (Monday)

Holy crap! I just read the preview on Amazon...my WS exactly. Even when the mention about how they would take credit for our ideas! WS did that all the time, then when I would correct him (hello, asshole...my idea!) he would look at me like I was crazy. Like he was POSITIVE that he'd come up with that idea. And boy, FOO issues with his mother!! I might need to read this book!


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4005 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
neverbelieve
Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, August 16th (Tuesday)

I actually read a passage to my WH last night. I told him what I was reading and said I was reading it because I found his brain fascinating. Of course, he insisted he wasn't NPD (shocking!!). Then I read the passage. It was basically 5 or 6 lines of excuses they'll make for being cruel (eliminating wasted time), abusive (trying to educate) and for rage episodes (he's frustrated with my inability to understand). He's used every one of those excuses on me, and after him deflecting to store purchases or strangers, I told him he'd used them on me. He looked at me funny, denied it, and went downstairs.

I'm so on to him.

Everyone, read this book!!!


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
SierraGrace
Member
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, August 21st (Sunday)

I finally finished this book. The identical behavior is just uncanny. I wish I'd know about this years ago...I wouldn't have been banging my head against the wall for so long trying to figure him out...why is it he can't be honest about anything, has no empathy...just is so different than most people!! He's all over the pages of this book...NPD...NPD...NPD!

The only thing I'm feeling is missing though is the actual: How to cope, Recover and Move On...which is a pretty important part.

Did anyone else get answers from it that I may have missed since I took my time reading it? All I gather from it is to detach and go NC when possible, but thought it would get further into what WE can do after having been with and lost ourselves to a partner with NPD


BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, August 21st (Sunday)

Dear SierraGrace, on your reccomendation I bought this book on Amazon (along with some smutty new cookbooks). I have never in my life made so many audible exclamations, including a few words that would get my mouth washed out with soap, while reading a book.
I am truly scared at how much the information in this book mirrors my life and relationship with WXGF.
If you have any more reccomendations please forward them since with this reccomendation I now accept your opinion on books as Gospel given directly from God. (sorry for the heresy)
Sincerely
Jp
p.s. "OMFG this s--t is really f-----g incredible and eye opening."

[This message edited by Jpapageorge at 10:45 PM, August 21st (Sunday)]


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1697 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
SierraGrace
Member
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, August 21st (Sunday)

Hi JP! You cracked me up with your comment (about my book rec's now being Gospel) but my IC is the one to thank. She lent me this book. The funny thing is I saw her from fall '09 to fall '10 on the premise that he might be SA since she is a CSAT. Now I just see her occasionally. She may have mentioned the NPD in passing previously but this most recent check-in, the fact he still manages to pull me back into his drama, she really nailed him as NPD (though she can't diagnose since she's never met him) so she lent me this book and WHAT AN EYE OPENER!

I'm with you about how it mirrored our relationship too, oh so scary. It was nice that they didn't just gear the book toward male NPD but had female examples too, which obviously resonated with you also JP.

I too now want to read any and everything I can get my hands on about this NPD business. I'm STILL trying to figure out how to do the NC with him. Half of his furniture is STILL in my home (by design I'm sure so he can continue to keep that connection)....it's like he still has these tentacles wrapped around me that I can't disengage from permanently, not for lack of trying...but damn, he's really good at this NPD stuff.

I too will take any and all NPD rec's anyone can offer!!


BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Wink  Posted: 2:58 AM, August 22nd (Monday)

So the gospel according to SG came from God through a therapist and was written by you? (Again with the blasphemy? I even went to church today and now I hve to spend more time in conffession.)

I started my research with facts I knew-FOO, Adult child of Alcoholic, childhood and adult sexual abuse- and now I "find" possible NPD attributes. Egads, this makes understanding us much easier.

Thanks again for pointing me in the direction of this book Venerable SierraGrace.(Sainthood requires three miracles)


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1697 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
SierraGrace
Member
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, August 28th (Sunday)

FYI...rather than start a new thread...along the lines of the same topic, I'm now reading:
The Object of my Affection is in my Reflection: Coping with Narcissists by Rokelle Lerner

Another incredibly insightful book...


BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, June 22nd (Friday)

Wow, just read the preview of Narcisstic Lovers and was on page 1 when my mouth fell open. Page 2: I gasped out loud. Bottom of page 2: I literally leap back in my seat.

Everything matches word by word. Even the quotes the authors used as examples I remember WS SAYING THE EXACT SAME THING. It's like the author is quoting WS.

I can't believe I taken in. I'm supposed to be smart. how did I not notice this before?

I feel like I just hit by a truck, side swiped out of the blue.

I'm reeling.

I think I need a IC appointment.


Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2012
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, July 12th (Thursday)

Another book that helped was The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists. Not sure who the author is. My WH was convicted by that book.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1382 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, y'all.
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 12th (Thursday)

You know, the more I read and learned about NPD, the less painful I found my WH's attitudes and actions.

I view him more as someone who has a hidden disability. That doesn't mean I don't require proper treatment from him, but I know that the BS her shovels my way isn't really personal. It's so textbook/classic it has more to do with my "job" as WIFE than me, per se.

That's not to say it didn't hurt before I knew all this, but it changed my perspective in a huge way. Now I just think "WOW that is not OK, but he would do that to anyone wearing these shoes; it's not me" and then I act.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
timestandsstill
Member
Member # 29921
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, July 28th (Saturday)

Like in high school..they should have taught math, history, science, economics and PERSONALITY DISORDERS TO BEWARE OF!!

Amen!

One other resource I found helpful for getting over a relationship with an N was Melanie Tonia Evans' (?) articles and recordings online. (not free though)

There is another resource I downloaded also on getting over N's; if I find the name I'll post it.


Me, BS 37
Him, WH 40
DS 12
Together 17 years
2010-2011: Serial As and false Rs
Sept 2011: Moved in with latest OW, 21
OC born June 2012

Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2010
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)

I'd also recommend "Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry" by Albert Bernstein.

It's a very well-written and interesting book, and I'm pretty sure that any BS will see signs of their WS in it!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2011
rpj12
New Member
Member # 36296
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, August 31st (Friday)

I read The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists. Do I need to read Narcissistic Lovers too? Has anyone read both?


Me: BS, 32 and pregnant
Husband: WS, 32
Together 12 years, married 4
1 kiddo and 1 on the way
A: about 2 years with former coworker (PA over but ongoing EA) and 10+ ONS's
D-Day: May 2012

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jul 2012
rainagain
Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, August 31st (Friday)

I too now want to read any and everything I can get my hands on about this NPD business. I'm STILL trying to figure out how to do the NC with him.

Come visit the NPD thread in the I Can Relate forum. Read through the older threads there too. Lots of information on why NC and how to do it, especially if you have to have some contact because of children.


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1287 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 23