User Topic: Positive Reconciliation Stories
SI Staff
Member # 10
Happy  Posted: 10:50 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

This thread is for is ONLY FOR POSITIVE stories.

No venting.
No OP talk.

Strictly reconciling progress between couples. Share your stories as you heal.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Member # 34023
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

We are growing stronger together with every day that passes. We look forward to being together in a way that we have not felt in many years. On most days, we both know in our hearts that we are going to make it. I love my husband.

BS - Me, 34
WS - Husband, 41
Married 5 years, together an eternity.
DDay - 9/13/11

"Well I've been had, yeah I guess that's how it looks. And it's not funny like on TV, and it's not smart like it is in books."

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Ohio
Member # 1030
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

Reposting this in here because it's a good one!

From December 18th, 2011

I triggered this morning.
First time in a long, long while. (9 years since dday)

I've been going through some pretty cruddy personal medical issues and that has me down and on top of it something happened this morning and I triggered hard.

My H called me from work and he could tell something was wrong so I told him and then I told him I was hanging up and he needed to get back to work.

I hung up and he called me back.
I told him I didn't want to talk and he needed to work. He has a wonderful job and I don't want there to be any issue with his work performance just because I was having a hissy fit.

He said, "I am calling you back in one minute and you need to answer."

He left his job and walked outside and called me from his cellphone and said "Now, we are talking this out right now and do you need me to come home?"

I told him no and that I knew logically that everything was okay.
He said this wasn't about logic it was about emotions and he wanted me to be okay.

I again expressed concern about his job and he told me
"This job is fine but it isn't more important to me than you. You come first. I can get another job, I can't get another wife. I am staying on this phone with you until I know you are okay."

And he did.

He told me over and over again that he was sorry. That he hated that he put me in this situation.
That he would do whatever it took to help me through this.
That nothing else mattered to him but my wellbeing and happiness.
That whatever I needed was mine.

And on and on for 10 minutes.
He just talked and talked and talked while I came down from my emotional whack.

He didn't once express frustration with me.
He didn't for a single second say that he was needed at work.
He didn't get angry, defensive, huffy.
He didn't say "I thought we were over this by now".

He did everything right.

And that is what remorse is.

And that is what reconciliation is.

And that is why I stay and why I love him.

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

Hmmm..... 7 years and happier than ever. Closer than we've ever been and obviously more in love than ever.

A lot of them aren't around any more but I give tons of credit to the SI WS's who held my hand and helped me understand.

ETA: it's not really a 'story' as I couldn't really think of just one.

[This message edited by Lucky at 11:02 PM, January 5th (Thursday)]

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

This is an old one- from 2004, just months after dday:

When my H was a boy, he injured his knee climbing over a fence. It was a long, deep cut that bled a great deal and required a lot of stitches to close. Over time it healed, but there is a long, gnarled scar to mark the place of that wound.

We were talking about our progress in reconciling, and I again expressed my sorrow for having hurt him. He took my hand, and placed it on the scar on his knee and said, "This didn't hurt forever. We'll be okay."

Even after 8 years it still humbles me that he could have that kind of compassion for my pain in spite of his. Yes, the scar will always be there, but the infection is gone- the wound is healed and we ARE ok.

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23493 | Registered: May 2004
Member # 29877
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

Happy to post a positive story. We are 16 months from D-Day. I cannot tell you it has been easy. I cannot tell you it hasn't been a roller coaster ride from hell, BUT, I will tell you that our marriage is much better than before. Don't get me wrong, I wish the affair had not happened...that goes without saying. But my FWH truly realizes how close he came to losing me and is very, very appreciative that I gave him the gift of reconciliation. He truly has done everything he can to make me feel comfortable again...and I am getting there. All days are not perfect by any means, but there are way more good days than bad. He is set on renewing our vows on our anniversary this year in Kauai, where we were married...and I am ready. God bless each and every one of you lovely people. I wish you all the best.

Vanity Working on a Weak Mind Produces Every Kind of Mischief...Jane Austin

D-Day - September 3, 2010, 5:30 am
Currently in reconciliation and happy.

Married 22 years, together 23

Posts: 416 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

Wbf checked out of the relationship and when he couldn't cope, he turned to online gaming. THat's where he met OW#1 and all his little groupies whom he had him in the mornings to wake him up for work (I don't live with him, btw)

Today he texted me saying he had a serious question and a friend of his wanted him to join World of Warcraft which I've heard to be a rather addicting game. I learned today from tsol25 that some guilds have time commitments. Anyways Wbf and I talked about this and I said I know he has changed and I felt that he would know if the game was not something he could handle and I thought he should go for it if he wanted to. We both agreed he has changed and we both think he can handle it but if either of us thinks it's not working he'll stop.

My point is, more than a year out from Dday, wbf asks me my opinion on things (not asking permission, just my opinion) and gaming may not be a big deal to most people but it was a huge part of the A and actually it's never triggered me because I felt it was *him* not the gaming that created the environment for his first A.

I am so happy that he is open and honest with me; he expresses regularly that he's happy I've stayed with him and how happy he is with me; he plans little dates for us since my love language is quality time and I try to plan little massages for him when I do get to see him at either of our homes.

I feel so happy and I trust my gut (#1 thing I learned in IC) that everything is as he says. I know people have said to look out for the "terible 2's" where you feel anger and other stuff in the 2nd year but wbf and I talked about how sometimes reading stories can set up a self-fulfilling prophecy so we agreed we wouldn't go by anyone else's timelines, only take it one day at a time as we have been and just be honest and appreciative of each other

BGF (me)- 25
FWBF (him)- 25
Was in a LTR but it's complicated now

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,

Posts: 969 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
Member # 23060
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, January 6th (Friday)

In May of 2010, we took a weekend trip to the lake for our anniversary.

The morning of our anniversary, I suggested we go for a walk along the lake. I spotted a bench, and suggested we sit & rest. I pulled a piece of paper out of my pocket that I had written a speech. I first asked him to remove his wedding ring. A look of horror crossed his face, I think he thought the worst. He refused to remove it, but I did it for him. Then I asked him to throw it in the lake. Reluctantly, he did so. I told him that along with the ring, he threw away all the terrible memories associated with his infidelities. I then pulled out a brand new shiny ring, and told him it was a symbol of our new beginning, a restart of our marriage which had been interrupted for 4 years. We both had tears in our eyes, and hugged each other for a very long time. That was a real turning point for us.

Me - BS 61
Him - FWS 60
M 28 yrs, together 30 yrs.
2 adult offspring
D-Day: 8-2-07, TT for 6 weeks
15 random sexual encounters over 4 years.

Posts: 891 | Registered: Feb 2009
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, January 6th (Friday)

Is a positive work in progress story eligible for this thread?

We have our good days and our bad days, but our bad days aren't nearly as bad, and they are fewer and farther between.

I feel like with our situation, as with many others out here, we are defying the odds.

I'm proud of that.

I have a genuinely remorseful FWW who has worked hard to make many positive changes in herself. And, man... I am so in love with her, mentally, physically and emotionally.

I am at a point now where I honestly have more hope for our future as a married couple than I did pre D-Days.

Things are going good.

I'm ecstatic about the open communication that my wife and I have now. We can talk about anything openly and in depth.

I would say our status at this point is: successfully reconciling.

I'm proud of our happy little team of Losfer, Amerasia and DS7.

Thanks, SI. You've helped us a lot.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 12:41 AM, January 6th (Friday)]

Posts: 11761 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, January 6th (Friday)

My H and I are reaching new ground in our M. It almost feels like reconciliation isn't the right word for what we are doing.

When we got married, we were both completely messed up individuals who made a completely messed up M. We had no healthy coping or relationship skills at all. When I got sober 3 years ago, as I got healthier, I longed for the kind of M I had never experienced but thought was possible. My H was not ready for anything like that. It was so hard to see him clearly during those years, when I could see the man he had the potential to be while actually he was something much less.

The past 4 months have been like something from a dream. He is becoming open with his feelings and his thoughts. He tells me every single day that he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life. He is making good financial decisions. He is becoming the leader in our home that I have wanted him to be. I enjoy being around him and I miss him when he goes to work. We are both making changes to work schedules to allow us more time to spend together.

Our M is nothing like it was prior to the A. It is a new creation, built on new ground that has been properly prepared for a foundation.

Me, 48
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 18 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 3115 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Member # 1030
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, January 6th (Friday)

Love reading these happy stories!

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
Member # 34055
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, January 6th (Friday)

Thank you for starting this thread.

I need to read these positive stories. They give me hope for the future on my roller coaster ride. I am just 4 months from DDay.

We love each other, are in MC and he is in IC. He is committed to making this marriage work and doing all the right things. Which other than the A, he was doing before. That's what hurts so much.

I want to believe that my M will be stronger and more deeply connected than before.

There is a thread where you have to just say one word on the way you are feeling. My word is renewal. Renewal of hope, happiness, and love.

I look forward to more "success" stories!

Posts: 1429 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, January 6th (Friday)

I never imagined we'd be one of the "Truly R'd" folks, but here we are! Nearly everything that could go wrong during R, went wrong, including a long false R. Many would have predicted our M, perhaps even that I, wouldn't get through this. But we did! Sure, there are times it gets scary, hard, tiring, etc., but that's a fraction of our entire life; a life that is rich, full, loving, rewarding, honest... One of the more touching and meaningful things my FWH regularly says to me now is not just, "I love you," but he looks me straight in the eyes and says, "I really love you, Lostworld...I mean I really and truly love you with everything I am." And, I believe it.

Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married Over 30 years w/ grown kids
Dday 1: 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 840 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, January 6th (Friday)

I am not sure if this is meant to tell your whole story, or a part of the whole.

This story is a big sad and pathetic and funny, but also hopeful.

Around the time of our one year antiversary, I was really struggling. The ANGER phase was in full force and I was just not doing well. My fWH and I were having a "conversation" via text (which was against our rules) where I was listing in fine order his failures and shortcomings during the affair, and before, and likely after, and how I was not sure WTF I was doing.

At the time, I'd been taking walks during my lunch hour wit a cowworker. In the midst of this fight, I realized that I was a) getting out of control and b) exercise would likely do me good. So I sent him a text which said, "I am going to walk," and then left with my coworker.

Fast forward one hour. I get back to the office and there are 3 phone messages from my spouse, 2 voice mails on my work phone, and about 6 on my cell along with text messages.

I called him wondering WTF was going on. When he picked up, he burst out crying. He was home. He had left work, driven home an hour, called his boss and said he wasn't sure he was coming back. Why? Because when I said, "I am going to walk" he thought I meant OUT OF THE MARRIAGE.

I drove home to see him there, honestly, half laughing at what a dumb ass he was. But when I saw his face, and how utterly distraught and distroyed and terrified he was, from that moment on, I really KNEW he was all in. And that maybe, if he was that in, maybe I could be too.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6873 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, January 6th (Friday)

Oh, I posted the below on the 'is your marriage better now" thread, thinking that was the positive reconciliation thread DS referred to, so here reposting (although maybe slightly out of context):

DH likes himself now, that has been a fundamental shift. Otherwise, whilst we started rebuilding from the foundations, the rebuild was to the previous model, only adapting to allow for a few more windows, and some sacred, adult only private space, only tinkering around the edges therefore because it is fundamentally a very strong, warm and loving house, full of laughter.

And I posted the below on my antiversary in December, which I hope is read as positive, which was its intention:

Three years ago on this day of December, my husband had been so down and unusually depressed that despite having much crap in my life (also having held the reins of the household alone during his many absences that autumn), I offered to do the huge work of his tax return to help him with his stress.
He was so abashed by my evident love, care and concern he blurted out about the five month affair he had ended two weeks previously.

I am - ahem - professionally quite calm in a crisis. I told him I abhorred his need to pass the burden of his guilt and the responsibility of his actions and resulting mess to me and just before Happy Family Christmas. Asked her name, was horrified that I knew her professionally, that I had even published her work, and remembered she was young, single, and very attractive.

I didn’t ask for any details, refused all further conversation, and spent all night researching the male menopause on the internet. Went to work the next day and wrote a cracking grant application. Was shocked and amazed by the burning pain in my heart. Head clear, body stupified. Sent him an email asking for details of all other women. Got one name, dates were dubious, I corrected that fact by email.

Spent the rest of the week out in the evenings. Asked for all passwords at the end of the week. His parents arrived for Christmas. In between pretending to eat, I spent late nights on his email and discovered a teenage Lothario’s correspondences conducted in bored moments at work. Decided to respond to it as a wake-up call to get myself higher up my list.

Started taking late night walks in total darkness in the countryside to train myself to not be afraid of the unknown and to trust and rely on my senses. One night found myself at the sea, and thought the water looked very inviting and wanted to walk out and be swallowed by its embrace. It was seductive, so seductive…. but the image was ruptured by Edie rising to the surface, irrepressible, enjoying breath and life, she is anyway an incredibly good swimmer. And I remembered my children. I sat for a long time looking at the sea, and did some deep breathing to tap deep into my grief, and finally the tears, body-wrenching sobs, came. For hours. Extraordinary entity, the body.

Went to work overseas, still couldn’t sleep or eat a thing, first panic attack and ended up in hospital. Came home eventually and spent the next rollercoaster year piecing together, through sleuthing, disclosure, TT, and much discussion the new narrative of my twenty-four years with WH. Always swimming against waves and underwater currents, trying to recognise which period of my life they came from, from childhood, other, or future. Began carrying a water pistol as a way of dealing with triggers, so many, assailed from all sides, constant. It was, has been, quite a swim, and despite my great fear of drowning, I needed to look on it as an adventure.

But you know, my narratives have not in fact changed. Everything had been genuine and authentic. My perceptions of WH as a whole, good person had always been accurate. I had even known the puer eternus in H really well, but now I was only interested in a whole man not puer eternus. That bit was up to him. If he wanted to be that man. My perceptions of myself had been accurate too.

And now I really do trust myself.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5398 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Member # 33687
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, January 6th (Friday)

5 months post d-day and I feel like he is really, really starting to get it. He is working on the timeline without talking about how hard it is for him, he is remorseful, he has changed counselors b/c he felt his old one wasn't helping him!

I told him today that if I could freeze how I feel today and where we are at right now that I would be a happy woman. I know the roller-coaster will dip again, but I am so enjoying today!

Me-BS-44, Him-WH-45-very remorseful
OW-Married, opportunistic co-worker whore
DD#1 7-30-2011: everything else lies until 2-12-12
Married 11years, DS19y, DS15y
2.5 years out: in a good place, light at the end of the tunnel

Posts: 1646 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Illinois
Member # 27887
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, January 6th (Friday)

This was from today, btw mods awesome idea about putting this sticky note up!!

I had to take they day off because I went for my yearly physical. Kids are gone to grandmas and preschool. Quiet morning....ahhhh breathed in and out and enjoyed the silence for a bit than got ready.

I then went to the docs and got that out of the way and was done about noon. I texted my fws to see if he wanted to grab lunch together. He said sure and off I went to meet him.

He got there before me and had my drink already for me. When I got to the table he got up gave me a kiss and we sat. The best part was that he was truly excited to see me. He was smiling ear to ear like I haven't seen in years. And me I was giddy as a teenager. Butterflies in the belly having a crush giddy I tell ya.

We even held hands at the table. It was like we were 16 all over again!!!

We were so happy just to be able to have this time together as that we rearly get the chance as that we work on complete different sides of the city.

I saw the love in his eyes for me. And me, I am still so completely in love with my husband.

I hope that those that saw us didn't think we were the ones having the affair the way we were acting. The pure joy in both of us was just brimming out of us.

Now this is how to start off a weekend!!!

Tomorrow we are going to MC for probably the last time. It's kind of bittersweet for me. I really like the guy and he helped us tremendously. You could tell that he was rooting for us.

My SI peeps that need a positive post you go.

IASS(my fws) and I are a success story. The stories are out there!!!

ETA:My phone sucks so bad that I had to fire up the computer to get all the typos

WS-Him 36 (2 PA's)IamsosorryHB1993 (IASS)
BS-Me 36
Married 11yrs, together 20yrs. HS Sweethearts & Onlies
DD 5yrs
DS 3yrs
Getting Better

Posts: 1201 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: OH
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, January 7th (Saturday)

Today was a very good day. I have realized just how far we have come.

FWH and I were cleaning the house, we were listening to a retro rock station and a series of very bad 80s songs came on. we were laughing and singing with our kiddos. FWH was vacuuming the rugs and then started to roll up the big one so it would get filled with pine needles when we took the tree down.

The DDs started sitting on the rug while he was rolling it up and I thought he was going to lose it with them. When he was in A mode he had very little patience for the DDs when he was trying to get housework done so he could go out and play. but today, I saw this small grin on his face and him struggle to keep a straight face with the girls. As well as the girls absolute comfort in pushing his buttons.

At that moment I realized how much he enjoys being with us. And how different he really is.

Me: BW Him: who cares
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
Who knows how many affairs at this point
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.

Posts: 4642 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Member # 33947
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, January 9th (Monday)

So WH and I were sitting in the living room. I was on my computer (SI, of course) and he was watching TV. I laughed at something someone wrote (we Si'ers are hysterial sometimes) and he asked what was funny.

I hesitated for a minute and then told him I was laughing at something posted on SI that was directed towards another WH. I told him I thought that mght make him uncomfortable so I wouldn't tell him if he didn't want me to. He said okay and went back to watching TV.

Two minutes later, he tapped me on the leg and said "I changed my mind." I said "About what?"

He said - I don't care if it makes me uncomfortable, you should be able to tell me anything you want. And if it's helping you get through this mess I caused, I'm 100% behind it.

It was just so nice, since I know how uncomfortable he is discussing the A and the choices he made.

We aren't that far out, but that was a nice positive moment!

Me - BS, 36
Him - WH, 36
Married - 11 years
DS - 4
D-Day - September 2011
In process of R.

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CT
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, January 12th (Thursday)

DDay was in August of '05 and much has happened since then; some good / some not so good. But through these years there always remained a constant ... and that is we knew our marriage would survive ... and it has.

In my life I've battled many things; cancer, strokes, depression, the death of loved ones, etc ... and without question the infidelity that penetrated this family was the bloodiest battle of all. But it is a battle I (we) won.

If you and your S want to win this battle, you can too. Be patient, be deliberate, be strong and remain hopeful.

~ sportsfan

Posts: 2030 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, January 12th (Thursday)

My SAH and I are just 3 months into R. Yesterday he passed his second polygraph test with our MC/CSAT. MC session was a 6 hour therapy intensive to check the progress of his recovery and our R. SAH has another poly-g in 3 months and is attending 2 meetings/week, IC and MC.

WH has been SA for most his life including 21 yrs of marriage, so for him to not A/O for this long is huge. I felt relieved and encouraged. I have also been giving my full attention to my own healing.

We still have lots of recovery/healing to do. This morning after one of his SAA telephone meetings, he came to me to share that he feels that he needs to walk in the spirit of humility. Then he shared what he thought that meant in our R. I have never heard him come up with something on his own like that...and then share it excitedly.

6 months ago, SAH would have never shared an insight with me. I am encouraged. ccg

Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 34055
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 12th (Thursday)

Feeling positive and hopeful today so I wanted to share.

I asked myself this question today. Do I feel better than I did a month ago? The answer is yes, not all the time, but yes.

I think my anger is starting to lessen in it's severity. I am NOT going to let it consume me anymore. It is not good for me or for rebuilding.


I am convinced that his infidelity had nothing to do with me or the quality of our marriage. As hard as that is a concept to grasp it happens all the time. He has reaffirmed this to me and in MC. Opportunity, ego stroking, thrill, stressful stepdaughter, midlife crisis, etc. Whatever vulnerabilities that could be factored in, he is owning up to the fact that there is no excuse for the devastation and pain he has caused regardless of how he felt that he didn't allow his "secret" life to interfere with his family life.

He kept some of his feelings in and didn't talk to me. I never thought we had any reason to talk about "feelings" I thought things were good. Obviously they weren't for him. So now he/we talk more. This whole thing has been cathartic and life changing for both of us.

Having a good marriage before all of this is a double edged sword. Unbelievable devastation and sadness, like a death. But also since we had so much love together we have a real good base to rebuild on.

WFH came from lunch today . He told me he will never forget what he did and what it has done. He will never hold anything back or in again. He thanks me over and over for the 2nd chance I have given our marriage that he says he doesn't deserve. He told me he loves me more than he ever thought possible and that his heart aches when he isn't with me and for the pain that he has caused. He is proactive with remorse, transparency and IC.

Do I forgive him? That's a hard one, especially after only 4 months. Thinking about it is a step in the right direction but I think for me it will be like all of a sudden I realize one day that I am "there". I love him but not the way I did before. Before he was my best friend/soul mate. I think that the forgiving and intense love I had will work hand in hand.

Nothing is a guarantee but for better or worse I am going to give it my all because I think we are worth it.

Posts: 1429 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 31228
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, January 16th (Monday)

Today (Jan 16) is the one-year anniversary of the day I discovered my wife was involved in a full-blown LTPA. I have been dreading this day for the past couple of months, but thankfully it's been just an anti-climax. Things are not back to the way they were before, and I know they probably never will be. But I can see that things are slowly moving in the right direction. I have made up my mind that the best way to mark this anniversary is to make love tonight. It feels like a good way to say F U to the affair and all the pain. I guess my message to everyone is to keep slogging away and don't abandon hope that tomorrow will be better.

Married 30 yrs
1st D-Day Jan 2006 EA
2nd D-Day 1-16-2011 LTPA
It gets better.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Minnesota
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, January 17th (Tuesday)

I hope we're allowed to post more than once here.

I am so happy.

My H is simply amazing me with his absolute willingness to own his stuff and fix what was broken. He has faced unspeakable horror from his past. He has gone to IC and done his homework. He is active in our church and sings in the choir that I direct. Not because he likes to sing so much as he just wants to be with me.

He is willing to have the hard conversations. So willing that I am really losing the need to have them so much. He asked me today if I was still having what we call "fits of the crazies". And when I thought about it, I really can't remember the last time. We talked about the A...what he thinks was his "why". He talked about how much his behavior disgusts him, how deeply sorry he is that he hurt me and our kids.

When I look at him now, for the most part, he is happy. When we are together we are downright giddy at times, and people around us are getting sick of us. "Get a room!" is a common phrase I hear. He looks ten years younger than he did one year ago.

TMI ALERT!!! Not sure if it's still HB or just a very healthy, enjoyable sex life but we are more active than when we were newlyweds. And I pointed out to him yesterday that his equipment has not failed one single time since September. Honesty is a powerful aphrodisiac, apparently.

There is no way that I could have made it through this and considered R without SI. Before I found this site, I felt that to require transparency with phones, email, etc, was being a nanny and I didn't want that. You helped me to understand why it was so important. Now every time I look at his phone and see, "Holly Holly Holly Holly Holly Holly Holly Holly Holly" etc, etc, etc... it sends my trust-o-meter to 11.

Thanks, SI. Thank you to those who asked me the hard questions, encouraged me when I needed it, 2X4'ed me when I needed that.

Me, 48
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 18 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 3115 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Member # 32569
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, January 20th (Friday)

It has been recited in infidelity books and all over this forum that it takes 2 to 5 years to get through the trauma of an affair. Twelve months ago was the 5th year anniversary of DDay and I was just as hurt and angry as on DDay itself. I thought to myself that time was up and I had to move on with my life without FWW. I separated for a few months during the year and now on the 6th anniversary of DDay, I can honestly feel that the gut-wrenching trauma is beginning to lighten up.

The main ingredients to my R have been sincere remorse by FWW and my ability to reclaim by dignity and self-esteem.

FWW texts or emails me several times each day to tell me she understands my pain, that she is sorry and that she is grateful that I have not given up on her. As for me, I got into the best shape of my life, eat a healthy diet and continue to be the best father that I can be to my kids.

For the first time in 6 years I believe that the M can survive… to believe that the pain may actually dissipate.

Me: 48
WW: 48
Married 18 years
Two wonderful daughters 17 and 13
D-Day: Feb 6, 2006

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: anavgdud2
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, January 20th (Friday)

Today my wife and I celebrated the 34th anniversary of our first date.

During the date, after dinner and a movie, we took a romantic stroll along the beach where we met someone selling individual carnations. He had 3 colors, white, pink, and red, so I bought her one of each color. Every year since then, I have tried to get her carnations in an arrangement of white, pink, and red.

I love my wife very much and I am so thankful she is still in my life. I am happy to say we have successfully reconciled and I have no regrets.

Here is a picture of the arrangement I gave her today to remember our special day 34 years ago...

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 7:45 PM, January 20th (Friday)]

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Posts: 5925 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 25107
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, January 22nd (Sunday)

My story is about as bad as it gets.

My WH had a long term affair with a coworker and moved out to be with her. It lasted a few weeks and he looked for R. I discovered after a while that he was still in contact with her and went NC for a few months.

We were over as far as I was concerned. I filed and we were close to a settlement.

He hit rockbottom.Noone would talk to him. Even his family were disgusted with him.

He did it himself. Went totally NC, into counselling and just asked that we meet sometimes. I was so hurt all of our meetings were really difficult. We talked for hundreds of hours.

We restarted dating and after 8 months moved back in together. We are now a year back together and things have never been better. He contacts me all the time, goes to no work functions and is thoughtful and loving.

I am so glad I took this leap of faith. I have changed so much myself.

Good luck to all you out there. The first 2 years were awful to be honest (DDay Spring 2009) but I don't trigger nearly as much.

The real need is a remorseful spouse who realises the hurt they have caused and a willingness to do what it takes.

Limiting the time for A conversations was also important .

Be gentle with each other.

everybody hurts.....

[This message edited by willthiseverend at 11:33 AM, January 22nd (Sunday)]

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

Posts: 454 | Registered: Aug 2009
Member # 33634
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, January 24th (Tuesday)

Ok, so I usually post here venting or asking questions. I love that the SI moderators have kept this thread at the top of the forum. THANK YOU! I can’t believe I am actually posting a positive perspective!!!

A lot of these are from “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From and Affair.” There are 15 things the WS needs to do. My H is doing all of them and then some…

· Gets the wrongness of his behavior
· Gets the depth of my pain
· Told the complete truth upon discovery. No, he didn’t tell me, nor was he going to – I busted them at the height of the A. Complete disclosure of timeline and how and when he got together with MOW once I asked.
· Instant shame and remorse. Only a little defensive on and after d-day. Not defensive at all about my questions now.
· Complete NC with MOW.
· Tells no more lies. Obviously, as far as I know… he checks in all the time and snaps photos on his phone to show me where he is.
· Accepts full responsibility for his actions.
· Exhibits patience with my recovery. He actually listens and comforts me now. Pre-A, if I showed pain or emotion of any kind, he just shut down. “If I ignore it, it will go away” was the attitude. I can’t believe this is this is the same man, who now actually cares about how I feel.
· Tries to understand my pain.
· More sorry for my pain than his own guilt
· Growing in his ability to show since empathy and offer heartfelt apologies.
· Sensitive to my extreme distrust and doing everything he can to rebuild it.
· Respects my sensitivities and “triggers.”
· Proactive with checking in on my emotional status.
· Recognizes negative impact on the children and makes amends.
· Committed to lifelong personal recovery and transparency.
· Willing to negotiate his leisure activities and time away from the family. This is HUGE! I always “let” him go hang out with friends, coworkers, etc. I was trying to be the “good wife” who gave up her career to be home with the kids. I “let” him go do things that made him happy, even though I was unhappy.

D-day 9/25/11. He is moving back in tomorrow 1/25/12 – exactly four months from D-day. His EA/PA lasted 4 months, so our reconnection and positive experiences are about to tip the scales. I think I will note this, and file it away. I want to be done with marking each month on the 25th. I want it to become irrelevant to me.

When we were discussing him returning home, I told him that I was scared that we would fall into old patterns, and this caring individual that has been present for me (since around Thanksgiving) would be gone. He said that he does not feel like he is “off the hook” if he comes home. He said that he would work every day for the rest of our lives to show me that I am the most important person in his life.

I look back at those days so close to D-day and wonder how I got through them. SI was my lifeline. I truly think you all saved my life, and I am so grateful. With your help and finding it somewhere inside me, I am stronger than I thought. I hope this post, and more to come from me, will help those that are new to this horrible, horrible situation realize that there is hope. It does get better with time and you will manage to get through it. Somehow, I have made it this far. Now that we’ll be under the same roof again, “real” R can begin. Wish me luck!


Me - BW (40)
Him - FWH (43) (he has earned the "capital" F)
D-Day - Sept 2011
Us: Working concurrently on ourselves and R

Posts: 391 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, January 26th (Thursday)

About 3 or 4 months after dday, when I was really starting to understand how badly I'd hurt my H, music was my refuge. It really helped me express and feel stuff I needed to feel. There's a song by John Hiatt called "Come Home To You" and we played that song a lot- this part is especially meaningful to us:

There's a meanness inside and it shivers my bones
That's the thing about mercy I guess
There's no man so wicked he cannot come home
Nor so good he passes each test

As the fire of memories burn me
The grace of your love returns me
To this most traveled of highways
Where I'd do anything just to come home to you
I would do anything just to come home to you


When H and I would chat on IM, that was something I'd say to him, "I'd do anything just to come home to you."

We don't talk about the A anymore- we really are healed from it. Tonight, we were chatting on IM as he was wrapping up stuff at work and getting ready to leave. He sent me this message: "I'm getting ready to come home to you. What's for dinner? Love you."

It may seem like a small thing- but those few words kind of sum it all up- it's a reminder of what I did, how we healed, how he forgave and how things are normal for us now. He's an amazing man and I am just so grateful and humbled that he wants to come home to me.

[This message edited by Fallen at 10:44 PM, January 26th (Thursday)]

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23493 | Registered: May 2004
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, January 28th (Saturday)

This is basically a rewritting of my profile plus some added new material :)

I can't believe it's been 10 years. I found out she was having affairs online and maybe for real - I couldn't find out because of how stupid I was*. She was really careful and stopped everything she was doing so I did not get to know for sure if this was really everything. She kept saying this was it but I caught her in lies after lies so I obviously didn't trust her anymore.

I thought deep down that I would end up doing what she done to me just as a form of revenge. I never did it. During my worse moments I actually thought about trying it out and went online but I just could not do it. I am really glad I did not do anything like that. But I only use instant messaging nowadays for work and for the occasional family buy milk discussion.

I was able to crack down on all forms of communication and as far as I know nothing has happened since then. I told her if I found anything else we were history and I found nothing so far. We did not have kids at the time.

A lot has happened since then. First the good news: we have two beautiful children (a girl in 2002 and a boy in 2004) and she has never done it again - as far as I know - but I am pretty sure since I have a lot of control in what she does. Our life is as good as it could be.

The bad news is actually what happened to me for a while. I had become extremely cynical and numb to life. With the exception of my kids whom I always loved dearly everything else didn't bring me too much happiness or sadness. It is really strange. I was in a point that the only reason I would care if she did it again would be because of our kids but not because of our 'love' – I actually did not care anymore. I didn't believe in love anymore and I didn't think I would ever love someone like I did (you know in an innocent soul mate-crap way :). I trust no one and I think humanity sucks :)

I didn't commemorate my birthdays or our wedding anniversaries. I still bought flowers on valentines though it always felt like I was just going through the motions. Even if I ended up divorcing in the future (not likely now) I felt that I would never trust anyone the way I trusted her.

In 2009 I realized that now I was the one with the problem and then I started counseling again. It's been too much time and it's not fair to us (or to our family), not fair to me. I wanted to live life and be happy again. I managed to heal, forgive her and we are now the perfect couple. As happy as ever. We wouldn't be able to make it if (1) she hadn't stopped or if (2) she wasn't remorseful. Luckily she did everything right.

How did we do it?

We don't hide anything from each other. We know all our e-mail passwords and we both agreed to have a permanent software to record what we did online in case we need it still. We still have the agreement though in truth we do not have it installed for years now. But we still ask the other one to check our e-mail and look for something when on the road. We both have full control of our cell phone list and credit cards and bank accounts. Our life is transparent for both of us. Although she could still do it (or I for any reason) the price would be too high – our kids.

In 2010/2011 I had several breakthroughs and I finally forgave myself for being such a fool. She used to find this amusing - i.e. that I managed to forgive me but not her yet at that time. Later, I finally managed to forgive her and we are finally past the affairs.

How did I forgive her?

It took years. But I realized what was bothering me: she was still blameshifting, even if a little. She was still minimizing. I used to call that her "I'm-not-Hitler defense". There was always someone that did something worse than what she did. So I called her on that. She loved someone else for 6 months, she can't deny that. She can't say it wasn't real love. She can't say it was a fantasy. It was real, she did it, she would have to own it. I also had a lot of help from SI when I was in this stage, writing my forgiveness letter, etc.

So I offered forgiveness but IF AND ONLY IF she stopped blameshifting and she stopped minimizing. She accepted the conditions. Still, forgiveness is a process you have to do it every day, but it gets easier every day. She also sometimes back pedaled and so did I, but we soon set things straight and we were able to move on.

What I have learned and what are my values/beliefs now:

- Don't sell yourself short. If your SO has an affair and you still want to R demand unconditional surrender: full remorse, no "I'm sorry but"s and full accountability. She must be by your side and supporting your decisions. Fuck the OMs. If you don't value yourself nobody will. 180 is your weapon of choice. It can lead to divorce but you'll have to live with yourself forever and that's the best way to do it.

- For me, there will never be a "fence". If you are on the fence you have already decided. I'll move on. If you are not NC, if you are still doing and hiding things that's it. This is not R and you have to do a full 180 in the direction of divorce until there is proof this is not happening again.

- I can snoop her whenever and however I want. I won't feel guilty about this. I felt a little guilt at the beginning. Not anymore.

- She was my first and only. I only had sex with her (online or otherwise). I don't feel the need to go and try someone else. Don't get me wrong, I love sex. I believe I am (at least now) an "alpha" male and I had opportunities during all these years. I just don't think it is worth it. She is and always will be enough for me. We have a great sex life, several times a week and sometimes twice a day. I will never hurt someone like I have been hurt, especially someone I love. When I die, I'll have in my grave "always faithful" :)

- There are no second chances. I am not a forgiving man and it was very hard for me to forgive her in the first place. But no matter what happens I will always love our years together and I will always respect and treat her right because of our kids. I won't jeopardize both our relationships with our kids even if she has a new affair. In my view kids always come first. I wouldn't stay married though that's for sure.

- We have our daily time together. Every night we spend at least one hour with each other - hugging, snuggling. It's the best time of the day.

- Tell each other your feelings. Don't hide whatever you feel. Be specific in how something hurts you. You must solve every little issue if you want to get better. Do it again and again if necessary. Some things take way longer than others.

Do I still hate the OMs?

It's been more than a decade. Of course I still hate them and always will.

Anything else?

Well, it's 2012 and it doesn't hurt anymore. IT DOESN'T! WOOHOO! I'm so happy!!

[This message edited by nuance at 6:49 PM, January 28th (Saturday)]

Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, January 31st (Tuesday)

Small happy part that just happened an hour ago.

My H brought up renewing our vows. Well, mainly his. I have to say I was surprised, I have not really put much thought into rings and vows, figuring it would come up way down the road some. When we said our vows the first time, we wrote our own and then took turns saying them, like a conversation at the altar. It was pretty cool. Then we exchanged rings that were engraved with a sappy love quote in a foreign language. only then did we find out which ring was purchased for each other.
Anyways, today I dug out the notebook they were in, he looked at them and got real quiet. He broke them all and told me that he needs to make new ones. He wants to do this at the beach. We do agree that we love our rings but I think they should be polished up to look new again. I think he might do this. The fact he brought it up and was adamant that I should hear him make new vows blew my mind!

I think its the small things that make the biggest jump down the road sometimes.

At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.

Posts: 742 | Registered: Feb 2011
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, February 2nd (Thursday)

I would say even though the triggers still come and go, we are mostly healed from the A itself. The aftermath is still lingering around some, but not much, and my H has done everything right and I am working on myseld. I feel we are reaching a positive side of R now.

Everytime we hit a mile marker in comparison to the A, I feel like I have regained so much. The A was 2 1/2 years so it wont be until Dec 5th 2012 until we reach that 2 1/2 year mark for it being over, however, I have regained so much in this time and look forward to getting to that mark.

BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, February 3rd (Friday)

New Attitude:
It was inspiring to read your post. I am 6 months from D day and things are still so raw emotionally for me but getting better by the day. My H also sounds like the first month he dropped work and came home many, many times because I was a wreck. He had a 4 month long EA that consisted of daily contact through e-mails, text, phone etc. We have always had a super strong relationship...married 30 years. He continues to be super supportive and has given me access to everything. My only hope is that I am not still having any triggers 9 years out. I am very anxious for this all to pass. Any advice on helping the bad hours or days diminish? I know everyone says "time" but I am a very impatient person. Thanks.

Me - BS 55
H - WS 58/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 29, 26, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Member # 30260
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, February 3rd (Friday)

Dday was November 2010. I went through what we all do. We are currently almost 15 months out. My FWW did everything a model WS should do. She went NC on dday, she changed her phone number, gave up all passwords, booked immediate counseling, ordered books, answered questions, etc. There was some significant TT four months from dday. From there I scheduled a polygraph and it was the closest I was to ending it. Her redeeming quality though was that she did confess it on her own. After this TT my gut quieted down, and I guess I think that's when real R started.

Since we have had our share of rollercoaster moments. FWW quit her job on dday, we walked from our house and moved, sold the car, had a baby, had some family fallout, etc. We have had our very tense moments, and moments of connection that were never there even pre A. My FWW vowed from dday to spend the rest of her life proving herself, making it right, and most importantly to find out through counseling and self exploration why she did what she did, why she needed the validation.

Around December I told my FWW that I forgave her. This was after reading a few books on forgiveness, my continued IC, my spiritual searching (a major part of it) and her continued accountability for her actions. Even today she continues sharing with me her insights, she carries a deep burden of remorse which is completely authentic. We talk not so much about the A itself, but the new M we have. She picks up triggers i may have and holds my hand, gives me a look of total empathy and understanding.

There are still triggers, Although they usually pass quickly, they don't hurt as much, the A isn't my first thought in the morning anymore, nor my last at night. We still fight sometimes, we aren't perfect, but I know I love her, and what she has done over the last 15 months has shown the most authentic love from a person I have ever known.

I am taking proactive steps at healing myself, and making sure I become wiser and more compassionate from the pain I was burdoned with. I refuse to become bitter and let this defeat me. I am going to go back to school this April in a field I am passionate about. I have removed bitter, angry people from my life, and am currently trying to nurture those connections with positive people. I firmly believe that happiness comes from within. The world will always be unjust, people will always hurt you. All you can do is be as strong and fortified as a person you can be. Surround yourself with people who support you. You have to love yourself to love others.

We are not all the way reconciled yet, but we aren't too far away from it. We are both still in IC. I would say that our M was flawed very badly from the beginning. While it wasn't a horrible M, it wasn't a healthy one either. We have broken down the old house to its foundation and have started over. We work hard, and there are setbacks, but we love each other, we love our children, and we will make it.

[This message edited by thundersdad78 at 3:37 PM, February 5th (Sunday)]

"Happiness depends upon ourselves." - Aristotle

Posts: 1134 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: thundersdad78
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, February 6th (Monday)

My FWH had a LTA, 1 1/2 years with a co-worker back in 05-06. I found out in 09 and was devastated, like so many others here on this site. My FWH TT about the extent and the details for about six months and if learning about the affair itself wasn't bad enough, the TT pulvarized me. It felt like the knife just kept twisting and twisting.
These things combined sent me into a mental and physical downward spiral to the point of losing so much weight (size 4 hanging off my 5'7" is not good)insomnia, panic attacks, shaking continuously, obsession about the OW and affair, sluthing 24/7. I just didn't have a moment of mental peace where I wasn't thinkinking about "it".

I would describe it as mortal hell.

Right away my FWH wanted to stay together and committed himself to doing everyting in his power to make it right. After realizing that TT had caused me so much more damage, he came clean with all the details and the new complete information put me back to square one.

He has been very, very good to me. He is and has been transparent, said and done all the right things, read books went to MC and told me repeatedly that he wasn't going to let me push him away.

Even with that effort this mountain of details and betrayal just seemed to be too hard to climb and I found myself at times just wishing I had bailed. It was too much.

Don't get me wrong, I tried everything I knew to try too. Showed lots of love and dedication, spending time, talking, reconnecting..everything. But that feeling way down in the pit of my stomach, the "am I doing the right thing", the "God, is this what I want? and the "I will never get over this" laid there like a rock.

My FWH threw himself into being a better husband and dad, became very involved with my daughter and her interests and really just stepped up and took a lot off my plate and I just kept taking it one day at a time praying this feeling of still wanting out would leave permenantly.

Which brings me to this weekend which is about 2 years and 9 months out from D-Day.

I walked into my DD15 room to put some clean laundery on her bed and as I turned around I noticed her computer screen had a picture of her and my FWH on it, and it was a post of her Facebook page.

The caption underneath read..

"Anyone can be a father but it takes a very special person to be a step dad <3".

Yep, he's her step-dad. We've been together since she was two.

I looked at all the replies from her friends, their picture, their smiles and I thought...

I stood there alone in her room thinking no one has any idea what it took for this moment to come to pass but me. And I couldn't possibly be happier knowing that all the hard work has paid off in a way that makes my DD feel fulfilled, loved and important to her dad and it came wrapped in the pretty package of him earning my respect back. She, we, are reaping the reward of having a happy and stable homelife. And the feeling of accomplishment replaced the doubt, just like that.

Today I've been thinking that something so tragic, so awful, so damn HARD and so challenging didn't beat me.

I made this happen, and it benefitted my child in such a positive way.

You know, us BS, our self esteem takes such a detramental hit. And it may sound cliche to say this but I'm so proud that I no longer put value on my sex appeal, my looks, or spend my days worrying about if "she" was better in bed than me. It's natural to think such things but along with healing comes knowledge. The deep down in your gut knowledge that comes from truly knowing that this didn't destroy me but brought a true appreciation of who "I" am.

And I'm proud of me.

SI has just been a blessing every single day to me since 5/19/09 when I discovered this site. I love the people here and the special friendships I've made along the way. To have a network of hurting people reach past their own pain to help me through a day, many nights, and scary times has made me believe in humanity again. Thank you SI.

Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
the past is gone
Member # 28813
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, February 10th (Friday)

Re-posting because I want to share this great story of reconciliation.

A great sigh of relief, as I approach the two year mark. I'm happy because all the research shows that the average years it takes to heal ranges from two years to five years. I remember being shocked when I learned this during the honeymoon phase of our reconciliation, thinking we were already past the pain and moving on. As time unfolded I wasn't so shocked. The ups and downs were tumultuous, the pain of acceptance a hard pill to swallow, the tortured thoughts of her and him and the betryal unrelenting, but the rewards of holding on to myself and growing were worth the torture.

I was a lucky one. My husband and I reconciled immediately after his one year affair with a co- worker. We hardly knew each other when their affair ended, he even assured me that our marriage was dead. But it wasn't.

I went into recovery mode the moment he revealed the affair. Before I even stopped to evaluate my injuries I was performing CPR on the marriage. Adrenaline kicked in and I had to fight to save the life of the marriage. It was only months later that I finally learned of the pain I had suffered, saving us was all I cared about in the beginning.

We talked, really talked. I learned who he was after 24 years of taking each other for granted. I learned his needs, and he learned mine. We became emotionally intimate, something we had lacking in our marriage, something I never thought we could achieve, but we did.

I was willing to change and so was he and that is what saved our marriage. That is crucial. I was willing to look at how i could be more compassionate and closer to my husband. I learned who he was, deep inside, which was a way I had never seen him before. Our marriage needed to change and our intimacy emotionally needed to become ore mature as our lives grew.

My husband came to terms with what he had done to our marriage by betraying me and he understood that turning to an affair was not the answer to solving our marital issues. Eventually he took the blame once he understood how the affair happened and his remorse was profound and healing for both of us.

I went to therapy and read every single book on infidelity (every single one!). I left my ego at the door and discovered what he needed and what I could give, he did the same for me. we committed to the change that had to happen in order for us to stay married.

It wasn't easy to get to the place we are now. Their was pain, sadness, loss, and fear, but we have come out so much better as people and as a couple. He is my best friend now. We spend more time together because we enjoy each others company not just because we live under the same roof. When I am having a bad day at work or the kids drive me crazy I don't take it out on him, instead I go to him for comfort, and he readily gives it. We respect each other and our marriage and love how our lives have changed. The marriage comes first always.

Sadly the affair happened. Happily we are blissfully in love now. Do I take it for granted? No, never. Am I still sad at times? Shocked? Changed? Even angry at times? Yes.

The two year anniversary doesn't erase the fact of the affair, betrayal, pain, sadness and loss but it does say that I am a survivor, him too, that we are human and flawed, and that we saved our marriage from certain death and are now continuing this journey together hand in hand.

Me: 50, bs
Him: 50, ws
M: 25 yrs, two kids in 20's
DD: 2/13/10

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jun 2010
Member # 31383
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, February 12th (Sunday)

This weekend past was our first Antiversary. To say I have been absolutely dreading it would be an understatement.

In my mind the whole early part of February has been something I have been dreading because our anniversary is on the 5th and last year we were not good.

So fast track to the last week. Yes there were some rollercoaster moments of sadness and some anger at the situation but all in all it was good.

WH has made an enormous effort over the past twelve months. There have been MANY tears and recriminations and I am sure there will be more. However 12 months out we really are good.

We have re-evaluated our life together. WH has taken full responsibility. I have made efforts to listen more.

Even with occasional trigger we are good. Yesterday morning WH asked "well are we past the antiversary yet?". I said yes because really the dreaded weekend had been anticlimatic. I didn't have the triggers and devastating sadness I was expecting.

He then pulled out a beautiful ring with a card of apology and said I should look at the ring every day as a reminder of how much he loves me and how sorry is for the pain.

He didn't have to do that. I didn't need it but I find myself sitting here at work and looking at it and feeling thankful that we have gotten through the first year.

I love him more than ever and while I know I will still get angry at him I also know our M will last.

Thank god and thank you to the SI'ers stories that have helped me over the last 12 months.

Me BS 49
Him WS 55
Married 13 years together 14
D Day 13 Feb 11
R going well despite the odd setback. Starting to believe we will make it.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Australia
Member # 33536
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, February 14th (Tuesday)

March 10th will mark 3 years out from D-day. How many ups and downs have there been? Honestly, I have lost count.

Choosing to stay together was positive. Working through our son's cancer together was positive. Going to counseling was positive. Her next to me at my brother's funeral was positive.

In the end it was all worth it. When going to a MC she looked at us both and stated that we had been through alot together and decided to stay together. She also mentioned how some of her clients had seperated for lessor reasons. Sometimes it takes a third party to remind you what you've been through.

As you move through the A you start to realize that the pain is yours and unique to yourself, so is the healing. When you take the strength from survivng and combine it with the resolution of staying together you can get a very positive reconciliation story.

live long and prosper

Posts: 137 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: michigan
Member # 13894
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, February 19th (Sunday)

Wow, first time I've visited this site in going on 2 years. It was my saving grace though for the first year. I honestly think this community played a huge role in helping me through that first year.
I came here tonight because we
are days away from the 5 year mark of our antiversary. I wouldn't call it a "trigger" but come this time of year----I remember. I was really thinking tonight about where we were then versus where we are now. It's like 2 different marriages.

In those first days, months and year I'd come here and read stories of couples that were a few years out. I'd read them with the hope that someday I'd be one of those people. Their stories would get me through some of my darker moments.

I wanted to share my story to maybe help someone else.

We had been married 8 years, and it had been in a bad place for going on a year. Only I didn't realize just how bad. My husband upped and confessed one day to me, and I was blind-sided. I had no clue and I most likely would of never found out. He had developed a close friendship with a women he knew through work. Eventually that relationship turned physical.

He says he couldn't live with the guilt and wanted to repair our marriage on all levels. However, he felt he couldn't do that without being 100% honest. I do need to add in that the OW lived a thousand miles away. My husband traveled there for work weekly and met her there. It definitely helped our reconciliation process that he took a new job that kept him in our local area immediately as well. Him being gone so much was one of the things that was hurting our marriage.

I was so raw with pain. I couldn't concentrate at work. I couldn't get the OW out of my mind. I was borderline obsessed with her. She was in my thoughts almost every second of every day at first. I scoured the internet for her, and eventually found a way to send her an email. Ironically she apologized a million times over and said she felt just as guilty as him. She was very much in love with my husband but immediately and silently went away when my husband had gone NC with her. He had done this about 2 weeks before he confessed. I would almost believe his initial reaction was to end it and hope I never found out. He says the thought crossed his mind, but as each day passed he couldn't live with the guilt.

That first year was a roller coaster ride to say the least. The smallest things would trigger me. I'd cry at anything. I quit my job because I couldn't concentrate and felt overwhelmed. I'd cry anytime my husband and I were intimate. I sunk so low that I bought a bottle of vodka one day (just a few weeks out) and sat in a parking lot near my house and downed quite a bit of it. I am not a drinker, maybe once or twice a year at best, but I felt so much pain and my head was so cloudy. I felt so alone and so much distrust in the entire world. I felt like I didn't even know myself anymore. Anyhow, that was the last "stupid" thing I did to try and cope. I found this forum the next day.

My husband became an open book from day 1. He gave complete access to his cell, email, ect. He accounted for any time we were apart for the first year in detail. In all honesty he didn't really push the envelope and try to do anything that would make me wonder.

In time I started to trust him again and forgive him. There was a turning point about 18 months in that I knew he had let himself down as much as he had let me down.

Being 5 years out, I cannot tell you the last time I felt pain, anger, or cried over his infidelity. A "trigger" now will make me remember but it moves on fairly quickly and we have come to a place that we can just process through without those feelings taking over. My marriage today is better than it ever was. Our communication is entirely different, it's positive and productive. I love my husband and I know he's a good man. I make sure he knows this too.

He is still open with things like his cell phone and email. He no longer accounts for every minute of every day. He doesn't need to. Mind you, he would if I asked him. However, I can honestly say that I trust him again. That took the longest, but I think I realized that about 2-3 years ago.

On d-day I made myself a promise that I'd never-EVER throw his infidelity in his face during a disagreement. To this day, I never have. I think that went a long way. After the initial year passed I also stopped bringing it up randomly. It was just too exhausting and kept that emotional roller coaster in overdrive. Rather I decided to set aside time, as needed, to discuss my feelings, concerns, and new questions with my husband. I think this helped him heal, which was important too. He could stop living on egg shells, so to speak.

I think realizing that we both had pain from his infidelity was something that took me awhile to "get". I was angry and it didn't seem fair that I needed to account for him hurting too. However, he truly felt terrible for the pain he caused and he needed to heal from that too. Once we both started to heal together, I think things really began to change.

For those that are just starting the reconciliation process there are moments that it will seem easier to give up. However, if both partners are committed 110% everything will be better in time. It's hard work, but I have been at a point for quite some time that I say strongly it was worth it.

[This message edited by Kilee at 1:14 AM, February 19th (Sunday)]

Posts: 716 | Registered: Mar 2007
Member # 34915
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, March 1st (Thursday)

It's been 8 months since the day we have grown stronger I had a conversation with my H today ,he never stops to reassure me about his love .one thing that touched me deeply was him saying : I love you and will always love you I want you and no one else and I wish if I owned a time machine so I can erase that night I was stupid and I will never be . And I will spend the rest of my life proving myself to you .At last I feel that am back to normal I am taking my leap of faith and putting everything behind me life is too short to spend it miserable and scared ,I have open my heart back to love and dreams of a very happy ending .

Him: 51
OW: a monster that I called friend before
D-Day:June 20,2011

You made a fool out of me and she made a fool out of you

Posts: 142 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, April 1st (Sunday)

Married my college sweetheart. We had what I thought was a "normal" loving relationship. We fought, sometimes loudly, but I never thought it was anything outside the norm.

Somewhere along the way we both let things drift and our marriage got worse. I think we both knew it, but we never talked about it. She wasn't happy and I was withdrawing but I never said to her "we need help" and she never said it to me. We both failed there. We still had good times, but there was too much of an element of people living separate lives together.

One day I came home and she was gone. Empty closet and a note on the bed. Devastating.

She said she had to take care of her. We met at a mall that night so she would feel "safe" and talked. She was unyielding.

A month later she filed. Two months after that we were divorced. During all of this I asked one time if there was someone else and she said no.

She made plans to move home to Florida from Dallas and pursue becoming a nurse. We did "collaborative divorce". I was kind and giving.

Off she went. From the day she left me . . . which is the first time I knew we had a real problem . . . to the divorce was three months. About six weeks later she had left the state.

In the six months before she left me she had lost a job, moved her dad into a nursing home over disagreement from her sister, become an empty nester with our youngest leaving for college and seen that youngest flounder as he got into trouble with partying etc , , ,

In January of 2010 she was still unemployed but had a good job lined up to start in February. She had planned trip to Florida to help get her Dad's house ready for sale. She was there for a month. During that time she met up with a former HS boyfriend that she had been reconnected with on Facebook that fall. Heck, she had told me about that and I thought nothing of it.

They started to "connect" and you can imagine how he made her feel. He said the right things to someone that wanted to hear them. He was in a "bad marriage" too.

So . . . she drives home after the month away thinking about the old HS BF and us. I headed out of town for a business trip and she packed up all her stuff, left me a note on the bed and moved in with a friend.

I changed about a million things in my life to try to win her back. I stopped a message board I was obsessed with, started church, stopped dipping tobacco, got on a low dose of Prozac, saw an IC, poured all the booze down the drain . . .

No amount of change mattered. We hardly talked. There were a few brief periods where she softened, but I only saw her five or six times from when she left in late January to when she moved in late May.

I was discarded.

After the divorce, I started dating. She found out I was dating about six weeks after moving. She got jealous and we started talking. I broke it off with the girl I was dating and flew to Florida to see her.

We determined that weekend that we would get remarried and work through it. We got remarried in Vegas a month later.

End of January she left, start of March she filed, start of May we were divorced, July we reconnected and August we remarried. Hence the name WarpSpeed.

We're in marriage counseling and we'll succeed.

This thing is just weird for me because I didn't even know that she had left me for someone else until after the divorce when she told me in the first few conversations after finding I had started dating.

During the "discovery day" part I was so focused on "wow we can put this back together" that I barely processed that whole "other man" thing. I ignored it because I wanted her back.

Starting to deal with it now. We've got help. It is working. But there is a lot on this site that rings a bell.

Update June 2011: In just the last month she's really started to get what I've gone through and is trying to help. That has allowed me to be more open with the things I'm working through. Posted on someone else's thread recently that there are parallel planes that we operate on. One one plane is a tremendously revitalized marriage. We're very happy. On another plane is pain and resentment and anger that we need to work on.

For us . . . we work on both. We work on the day to day happiness and that gives us the energy to commit to working on the dirty, messy painful stuff.

Update April 2012

Our marriage has never been better. Real healing, for both of us, took place last summer and fall as she truly expressed her deep felt remorse. I could see her pain at the pain she had caused.

We talk, we trust, we love . . .

It is awesome.

It can be done. Best luck to all of you.

Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1530 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
New Member
Member # 34092
Content  Posted: 4:01 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)

I just posted "stillstruggling", but needed to clarify for anyone searching for hope. While this has been a ride I will never take again. I will say that my WS and I are happier than we have ever been!
I just thought when she walked down the isle that I loved her...I KNOW I do now! Why? Not quite sure, but we have found something that was missing...we're like kids at Christmas with each other and we love it! Do I still struggle...yes. She does also, She gets VERY emotional and consumed with guilt at times. (part of helping me heal) The bottom line is God Himself put us together and who are we to question Him. Not preaching, at all, just saying that's the way we see it and even though I/she still struggle almost daily. It's what we want! Happier than ever and looking forward to tomorrow! YAY US!

[This message edited by metamorphisis at 4:24 AM, April 27th (Friday)]

Posts: 34 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Metro Atlanta
Member # 25163
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, April 16th (Monday)

I am happy to say that 2.5 years later things are great between WS and I. We have an almost 1 year old son and I admit times are trying, but we are getting through it. My situation is a little different as I still see the OW a couple times a year at get togethers. The first few times were fine, I was the bigger person and would make the first contact, but the most recent one I could not even look her in the eyes. WS even knew it was hard for me and has been great. I do have a couple flashback from time to time, but those are happening less frequently. I am so thankful for this messageboard as it has gotten me through my darkest days.

WS- 31
OW-23 (Best friend's sister in law)
Married-6 years
Together-14 years
EA/PA D-Day 8/9/09
R Day ?

Posts: 149 | Registered: Aug 2009
Member # 25222
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, May 3rd (Thursday)

Thanks everyone & especially Sportsfan. I am the WS and we have been working on R for most of 3 years. DD was a bit over 3 years ago but took me awhile to get my head out of my you know where and into the game, so to speak.
Earlier this week our youngest daughter posted some photos taken before D-day. The look of love & happiness between the two of us brought a smile to my face and reminded me of what we were working towards/hopefully mostly getting back to.
I am overseas on a short term contract & my bride and I were IM chatting and I inquired if she had also seen the picture. She stated it had and that it broke her heart. It triggered her. The exact opposite of what I felt when I saw it.
The progress in the R was that I was able to address it straight on. No ducking, dodging or looking to change the subject. I created the mess, if we want to continue as a couple, then by God I have to also be there when it gets uncomfortable.
All of your stories are giving me hope that it does get better. Thank you again & best wishes for continued happy R.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Colorado
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, May 14th (Monday)

Coming up on 3 years since dd. FWS has been great. We are R'ed completely. It took about 2 years. I still have some small triggers... But, I looked OW's g+ site today, and felt no anger!

Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2290 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
New Member
Member # 35471
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 19th (Saturday)

Love these success stories! Gives me hope! I know deep down that my story will be in here too someday when the pain has faded. Thank you all for not giving up. It is a reflection of your character and your big heart.
love and hugs

ME: BW,44 Him: WH,45 without a clue
DDay: 4/25/2012
Four beautiful, intelligent daughters 10, 11, 12 and 15yrs.
Married 17 yrs. WH cheating for last 7 years(admitted but who knows?)Multiple women. One employee.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
looking forward
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)

We have been working on R for over three years; the struggle continues, but we are having more good days than not.
Our 40th anniversary is coming up next week, and my dear H took the positive step of wanting to acknowledge it again, after spending #37, #38, and #39 apart, me at home, him @ our place in the city.

We are returning to the church where we were married 40 years ago. He wants me to wear my wedding dress; he's wearing a tuxedo, and a close friend is our "official" photographer.

[This message edited by looking forward at 6:46 PM, June 4th (Monday)]

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2901 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
looking forward
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, June 4th (Monday)

H and I celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary this past weekend by returning to the church where we were married.
We even gave each a card and a gift.
I gave him a garden ornament that he had been admiring for a few weeks (not romantic, I I researched meanings for the frog and umbrella and wrote these down:
frog ~ luck, rebirth, renewal, healing, metamorphosis, transitions
The frog is also a common Christian symbol for the holy trinity and resurrection. We have both returned to church.
umbrella ~ protection, being sheltered from life's storms
As well, it sits on the eastern side of our gazebo (Feng Shui practices recommend the east window of your home to encourage a happy family life).

My H gave me a ring with five stones. He said they represent my colourful life and the words, "I will always love you." I am wearing it with the peridot ring he gave me December 09, a new promise ring.

[This message edited by looking forward at 6:59 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2901 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Deeply Scared
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 5th (Tuesday)

The other day MH and I were at one of our favorite sushi restuarants...all the waitstaff knows us and always comes over to hug us and see how we're doing.

We're regulars there...every Friday for Happy Hour

Anyway, one of the waitresses said "you two are our favorite couple!" and MH said "thats because we're so sweet and in love" The waitress leaned over our table and grabbed the sugar packets and said " don't need this sugar"

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 201531 | Registered: May 2002
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 18th (Monday)

A small thing, but one I had to share...

Yesterday I got an overwhelming craving for a Coca-Cola Icee (blame it on pregnancy hormones- I do). DH drove me to a convenience store where the Icee machine was down. The next three didn't have Icee machines.

An hour later, after many, many stops at various convenience stores, DH walks to the car with the biggest Icee cup I've ever seen in my life. He was grinning from ear to ear.

I kissed him and told him he's a good man. He really is.

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, June 18th (Monday)

In Aruba last week 28 months after she left, 26 months after the divorce and 22 months after getting remarried on our 23rd anniversary. Still going strong.

The second wedding in 2010

Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1530 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Rise And Shine
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 2nd (Monday)

Okay, my turn to add a little positive reconciliation story to this thread.

Our wedding aniversary is coming up this Friday. It will be the 4th wedding anniversary since dday.

But ever since dday, we have not celebrated our anniversary. It's been too hard for me or, IDK, irrelevant maybe?

Our oldest daughter is flying home from NYC for a visit and the other 3 kids are all here...

So, last week I asked my WH if he would like to celebrate our anniversary this year with a dinner at the historic mansion where we were M'd...and with all the children with us.

He stood quiet for a minute than he began to cry (oops, I'm going to cry now writing

It's kind of strange, we've both been weepy ever since.

But it's a true milestone event for the both of us. Ugh, I can already picture it...we're going to be crying like goofy parents and the kids are going to be rolling their eyes (they don't know).

There ya have little positive reconciliation addition to this thread.

April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 4th (Wednesday)

Awesome Rise!

Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1530 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Member # 35216
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 4th (Wednesday)

My WH and I are new to R, but we're doing well. Almost 7months since the first DD and one month into true R....

I can honestly say that I have never been happier in my M than I am now (as much as I wish we could have gotten here another way).

We never really had that 'honeymoon period'. We were both to blame for that...but I feel like THIS is even better than the beginning.

A great example happened yesterday. I was having a tough day..lots of was really starting to get to me and I was acting grumpy (I had already decided it was just me and this feeling needed to pass). Old WH would have said - you're in a bad mood, stop it, WH said (in a soft concerned voice) - hey, are you in a bit of a bad mood? I looked up at him and smiled and said, yes...yes I am...he looked at me, gave me a hug and said, what can I do to help. I said, you just did.

About 2 hours later he said, you look like you're in a better mood, I said I was feeling better...he asked again, is there anything I could have done differently to make things better for you?

God I love this man!

Married for 10 yrs, together 15
Me, BW - 37
Him, fWH- 40
3 kids
D-Day; Dec 13, 2011, TT and lies and lies and lies and lies
Back in R

Posts: 403 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 34836
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, July 6th (Friday)

This has been truly inspirational.....thank you all for sharing

M 25 years
BW Me - 50's
WH Him - 60's
OW 25 years younger
D-Days too numerous to mention last D-day being 12-2-11 *OW went on fishing trip 5-21-13*

"A relationship is only made for two, but some bitches don't know how to count"

Posts: 356 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Colorado
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 10th (Tuesday)

But it's a true milestone event for the both of us. Ugh, I can already picture it...we're going to be crying like goofy parents and the kids are going to be rolling their eyes (they don't know).

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5398 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 8th (Wednesday)

Just needed to get this out here and keep the positive stuff going. Everybody IRL is absolutely sick of hearing me say how much I love my H and how much he has changed. Even the radio announcers on our Christian radio station know my voice when I call. I don't even have to say my last name.

I do not feel like I am even married to the same man. Especially since the day when I discovered the broken NC... he has stepped up to the plate, owned every bit of his stuff and is doing things every single day that are rebuilding my heart and my trust.

He is reading. The Bible, Not Just Friends, The Ragamuffin Gospel, whatever. He is not posting as much here but reads every single day. He met with our pastor yesterday for some guidance. He is proactive in MC. He is telling me what he feels. He is asking me what I am feeling, rather than assuming he already knows. He is doing things every single day to let me know how much he loves me, how sorry he is, how he is changing. Some of them are little things. Some of them are over the top, extravagant expressions of his love and humility.

He won't fight with me. How do you fight with someone who won't fight back but says, "I want to pray about that and take our time to discuss it." ????? He is leading our kids. He is being an example of how a man should treat his wife, his children, his parents, people around him.

And he's terrified that he's going to mess it all up somehow. That's the MOST endearing thing about him is how scared he is that he will revert to his old patterns.

I love him. I love him more than I imagined possible. Our final DDay antiversary is fast approaching, and when I look back at a year ago, I can't even recognize the 2 people I see.

Me, 48
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 18 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 3115 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, August 8th (Wednesday)

This past weekend (end of July)we turned another corner in our R journey.

Mr. Aubrie has been working alot of overtime lately but has put forth an enormous effort to stay in contact with me. Lots of calls and texts throughout the day. Even if he's not coming home till 8:30 at night, I still feel a strong connection to him. Our days are flowing. Communication is wide open. (Which is something we've always struggled with)

Sunday afternoon we had an event to attend. I hate going to events because as soon as we get there, Mr. Aubrie disappears into the crowd. No eye contact. He ignores me. Brushes me off. Doesn't help watch the kids. Gets annoyed when I ask for help. We leave when he is ready and if I ask to leave early, he gets irritated.

He enjoys one on one time with me, but anywhere else, he detaches from me because he's ashamed of me. He hates being reminded of what I've done and that I'm not who people think I am. He hates standing in a group of people knowing they are in happy, healthy relationships and we're standing in destruction and chaos.

This weekend was nice, Sunday morning went smoothly, but towards the afternoon I started bracing myself for the cold shoulder. We arrived at the event. He held my hand into the building. Someone approached me and asked me a question and a conversation started. Mr. Aubrie excused himself and walked over to a couple of his friends. He stood facing me across the room. Strange. Throughout the entire evening I kept an eye out for him like I always do. He was always facing me. He made eye contact constantly. He smiled. He wiggled his eyebrows and grinned. It was puzzling. He was so different. Then later I found out why.

This week we've had spurts of conversation about Sunday afternoon. He said he has seen a huge change in me. I have been rearranging and changing just about everything in my life. (All positive, necessary changes.) When we arrived a the event Sunday, he realized he was proud of me. He didn't feel ashamed of me in the crowd. All those "happily married" people in the room and he zoned in on me. The new me. And he was honored and proud to call me his. Previously he's tried to fool himself into being proud but it never felt right. He said now he feels it with his entire being and there is no doubt.

While he was having his own little revelation, I was having my own. Many people always say that would gladly give their life for their spouse. They'd take a bullet. They'd jump in front of a car. I'd always said it too, but I doubted if it reeeeally came down to it, just how much I would sacrifice for him. Yes, I was that selfish. As we've journeyed through R, I've been learning and building a real love for my husband that I never truly grasped before. And I have discovered, if faced with the choice of my life or his, I would gladly lay myself in the path of danger and death for him. I truly love him enough to sacrifice my existence for his.

Thru this journey, I've laid alot of my stupidity and selfishness down. It's liberating. It doesn't have to always be all about me. I'm just one person in this partnership. I've ignored him for far too long. That will not happen anymore. That will not be our future.

We're still struggling with some things. There's still some issues to address. However, we're making positive steps. We're closer to the goal. Please forgive my Positive Polly-ness. I just have to share the good. There's been years of negativity. I've wallowed in that crap for a long time. I heard someone say last week, "The choices of the past can never be changed. So don't waste your day today bemoaning what you cannot change. Instead, make positive choices that will impact and change your future." That's what I'm trying to do.

Broken crayons still color.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6885 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 36490
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)

Thank you all so much for sharing. I like to believe I can love and trust him again and your stories make me see it is possible.

Me: 47yo
Him: 53yo
Married 15; Together 18
"Mid Life Crisis Affair Jan 2011"
I found his hotel charges on the Visa bill. How very Soap Opera.
Two beautiful daughters = my life

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: PA
New Member
Member # 36662
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, September 12th (Wednesday)

Well, it's 10 days now since we started seeing each other again. My betrayed girlfriend went those 10 days without bringing up even a hint of insecurity or fear or resentment. Last night she brought it up and we had a very healthy and strengthening discussion. No angry words or talk of ending anything. She's really incredible and understanding. I am so glad that I was given one more chance. I told her that we'll take it as slow as she wants to or as fast as she wants to and I want her to not worry about my feelings about the rate or healing and to not be afraid to bring up her feelings to me. I want to do anything that I can to help her heal and trust me again and it feels really great to have finally seen the light. I know that the process is still so young, but we love each other very much so I know that it will not be very grueling or painful, only long. I'm excited to continue building and growing and I'm so grateful that she is so willing to try again. I am getting butterflies! Hahaha. At 23 you don't really think it's possible, but it is

Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: aanderson088
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, September 16th (Sunday)

It's hard to believe it's been 7.5 years since d-day...and I still remember my user name and password to this website!

We made it through the storm and now have two beautiful little girls...and are trying for our third!

Reconciliation is not easy and in fact I still struggle with his A and triggers. He's been completely remorseful and I've realized it's really up to me forgive and completely move on. I've held onto it for so long...and might need to hang on a little longer...but that's just me. Someday I'll hopefully let it go completely.

D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, September 16th (Sunday)

Sending good thoughts for #3!

"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." - Buddha

Posts: 21817 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
New Member
Member # 36832
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, September 16th (Sunday)

How do u do positive reconciliation.i know both me n h would like to fix but don't know how,he blames me affair due to feeling issues are3 year affair back n forth for 8 months,holidays together.he has lost our couple friends back on nov but if we get back together the backlash would be huge,as huge damage done.
I think he would like me to move back in family home and just carry as normal,but I don't know how we can do that.
Do we talk about affair,do I keep track of his whereabouts.whats best advice to move forward.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday)

No one has posted here in a couple weeks. We are in the beginning of our first a season and R is going well.

Don't get me wrong there are at least moments in everyday that it hurts like hell but the intense rollercoaster swings have calmed down.

We are both working hard and that is why it is working. My WS is doing IC and vigilantly working a 12 step fellowship. We have been reading and working through books together: After the Affair, 5 Love Languages , How to Help You Spouse Heal from Your Affair, and The Marriage You've Always Dreamed Of. We pray together most mornings and inventory our day at the end of the night. WE COMMUNICATE!!!

I am not ready to(and probably never will)say that I am grateful for the A. But our Lives, Our Relationship, and Our Family is better than it has ever been.

[This message edited by Chicho at 5:31 AM, October 12th (Friday)]

BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2769 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, October 14th (Sunday)

I originally posted this ion the reconcilation thread and then pulled it...I am reposting it here.

52 weeks ago today I married my WSO (anniversary is actually on Tuesday). I married him 12 days before the first antiversary of D-day. Although it has been quite the year both joyous and with the downs that go with this ride known as the rollor coaster I have no regrets. I have been blessed with a truly remorseful man and have learned alot about myself. Thank you all who have been there on my downs. I appreciate everyones stories and hope that we all find that peaceful and comfortable place that we as humans deserve. Thanks

Mr & Mrs Bird

D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
Member # 10002
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, October 15th (Monday)

On October 31, 2012 my husband (who was my WSO 3 years ago) and I will close on our dream home. When we met, after my 1st marriage ended, I never thought I would have the opportunity to build a home again. And, now each of our 5 children will have their own room and my live-in mother has her own apartment attached to the house too.

3 years ago, October 31 WAS our D-day. A day that I thought I would always remember with pain. Remembering his confession…

But, now, October 31 is OUR Celebration DAY!!

Posts: 1064 | Registered: Mar 2006
Member # 28645
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, November 4th (Sunday)

3 years past dday now, and what I used to think was impossible is now reality...

we are healed and stronger than before! My remorseful fwh has proven himself over time and I love him more than I did prior to the A because the aftermath of the A broke him down..he hit rock bottom and was forced to take a hard look at himself. He didn't like what he saw and he made a complete 180. He is a wonderful man now and I love him very much.

You let it go when you are ready.. when you have processed it enough.. you let it go when you are sick of trying to figure it out. You let it go when you want your life back

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2010
Member # 29805
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)

I posted this in a thread below (about "why R?"). But, I'm reposting it here.

When D-Day happened over 2 years ago, I wasn't sure what I wanted. I had spent nearly 13 years with H, and we had just bought a home together a few months prior. I was scared of being alone, of starting over. And, despite the extreme hurt, I found that I still loved him and cared about him. Plus, I took my wedding vows very seriously, and felt like I needed to know that I tried everything in my power to save our marriage before I could feel at peace with walking away.

At the same time, because he had had an EA 10 years prior, I had always said if he did it again "I'd be gone". And I knew I didn't deserve to be treated that way. Having been through multiple affairs now with him, it was not lost on me that this was a pattern, and that I was taking a HUGE risk of being hurt again, by staying.

In those first weeks, I went back and forth from reading about how to save our marriage, to researching divorce attorneys, and even creating fake profiles on dating websites and researching apartments just to see what my options were (I never connected with anyone, and had no intention to -- I just needed to know that if/when I was ready to date again, I wouldn't be left with lepers and guys who live with their mother).

Every time I'd think to leave him, I'd freeze up. So, I decided to give myself time to not make any decision to stay OR go. I think I gave myself about 6 months, and then I would re-evaluate (H was not aware of this at all). This worked well to take off the pressure. I knew that, ultimately, I was in control if I felt it necessary to leave sooner, but I wasn't forcing myself to make a decision before I was ready.

Things seemed to be getting better. Then 3 months later, D-Day #2 hit. That apparently changed everything, for H (from what he told me). I was extremely cautious, waiting for the other shoe to drop -- not wanting to believe anything anymore. It was a dark time for me. But I didn't feel strong enough to leave, so I allowed myself to keep that 6 month "deadline". But I did get stronger in asking for what I needed and setting/enforcing my own boundaries.

Shortly before the "deadline" was up, H agreed to attend Retrouvaille with me. That changed EVERYTHING. It made H realize our MC was horribly destructive to our marriage (she had basically been avoiding the affair, and letting him sidestep fixing things by turning blame on me -- why I kept going, I don't know... maybe because I didn't know what else to do). He asked to fire her at our next session, which we did. And then, through the Retrouvaille post-sessions, we began the real process of rebuilding. H was a different person. And suddenly I felt like I really, really wanted to stay, to see where we could take this thing if we kept rebuilding like we were. It was the first time I felt real hope.

Now, 2 years later, I am glad I stayed. Our relationship is so different than it ever had been. H is a very different person too. He doesn't just say the "right things", he backs things up with actions -- actions that would be extremely difficult to fake. I've begun to trust again (though my heart is still cautious, and probably always will be), but he knows that trust was and is hard earned, and easily could be broken forever. We both agree that our relationship is exponentially better than it has ever been, and gets better all the time. And, now we have a daughter, who he loves to pieces, and I believe she's yet another motivator for him to stay faithful.

I move forward knowing that I'll never be able to control what H does. He may very well decide to hurt me again. But *I* will be okay; I will survive. I have choices, and I have power. And I have faith that all the work we've done will not be in vain. If nothing else, I'm really enjoying life again now, and I have a baby girl who is everything to me. So, I feel like so far I've come out ahead.

And, I think about how, had I left, I wouldn't have these things -- a beautiful daughter, a marriage that feels solid and happy, and all of the memories and things we have built together over the last 15 years. I may have ended up single for a long time. I may have ended up with a guy I thought was great, but who turned out to break my heart too. At least with H, he's the "devil that I know". And H has got a lot to lose at this point, whereas a new guy might not.

I don't regret my decision to stay one bit. It can get better. Doesn't mean it always will, and only you can decide if that's even probable for your situation. But if you want to try, and you think there's even a glimmer of hope, why not? At least if it doesn't work out you won't spend the rest of your life thinking "what if...?"

Me: BS (33)
Him: FWS (34)
DDay 1: 06/04/10 | DDay 2: 10/02/10
OEA plus another texting EA
Together 17 yrs, married 6
One beautiful baby girl together

Fully in R! (and successful Retrouvaille "grads"!)

Posts: 418 | Registered: Oct 2010
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, December 9th (Sunday)

What a great thread!

The last few years since dday have been better than ever. When we got married in 1998, I never really knew what being married was all about.

Now, whenever we can (and some times when we shouldn't) we snuggle in bed, entwined 'til noon, and luxuriate in the feeling of love.

That said, I still have thoughts that she did "that" with "them", but she has consistently refuted my triggers.

She recently was leaving early to see a friend in a nearby town in rehab, so the friend's house was empty. She left clothes to wear for the morning that included two pair of underwear... Which caused me to have a semi-major freak out.

She couldn't have been more supportive and helpful - she actually understood why I had triggered, and what was causing me anguish the night before.

I really think I'm back to 99.5% pre-A, now... It really feels great.

Me: BS 56
Her: fWW 51

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married

Posts: 439 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, December 10th (Monday)

Flup your story is great, you have no idea how much I pray this will be us. Well actually you probably do know..

Madhatter. Separated.

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss

Posts: 2941 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, December 13th (Thursday)

This is such a wonderful thread, please keep the stories coming! I DO so love happy endings and many stories here have brought tears to my eyes. I am so happy that so many of you are doing this well and that the hardships i see every day on the forums really can be overcome!


I am humbled and filled with a sense of hope and strength, thank you.

D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
New Member
Member # 37609
Content  Posted: 9:01 PM, December 14th (Friday)

I have not posted anything on this site but instead have used it to validate all the feelings I have been going through. I am only 2 months out from D day. I thought I would not be able to figure out HOW to live again. My husband has been amazing. His 2 year off and on affair was ended abruptly after I found out and he has done everything to win me back. To my utter amazement, after weeks upon weeks of crying and hurt, a wave of relief came over me on Sunday (12/9). I suddenly had NO feelings of pain. NO feelings of emptynes.... Instead, I had hope and LOVE! I've loved my husband for 17 years and I didn't deserve to be put into this position, but I sure as heck am going to realize when my marriage has the potential to be better than ever! This week has been amazing! We talk and even joke about the ow, but it doesn't pain me inside. I am sad still, of course, but I KNOW we are going to be better than OK! I hope all of you get the chance to experience what I have felt this week. I don't know how long this will last, but I'm riding the high right now. I love my husband. And he has always loved me. Now we'll spend the rest of our lives faithfully loving each other!

Posts: 1 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, December 16th (Sunday)

Just wanted to share our recent experience.

Dday was less than 3 months ago and my fWH has been trying so hard, both to support and love me and to do the work on himself and his childhood that needs to be done. The topper was this weekend, when we performed together as Clara's parents in our local town's production of the Nutcracker. We danced and acted and had the best time. This is far outside my fWH's comfort zone, but we started ballroom a few years back (strictly to make me happy at the time) and have taken it to this level. I was proud for the whole community to see us on stage together as a loving couple.

Currently I am pain and anger free. I understand that we are not done with the work and I am not done with the pain, but we are in such a good place right now!

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1923 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 37694
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, December 16th (Sunday)

Thanks for these posts. I love love love reading them.

Married 31 years
D-Day Sept 3, 2012
I thought we were in R. Now I am not sure.
Second D-Day August 5' 2013
No kids

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Virginia
Member # 37694
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, December 17th (Monday)

I loved reading these posts. You all give me hope. Thanks!

Married 31 years
D-Day Sept 3, 2012
I thought we were in R. Now I am not sure.
Second D-Day August 5' 2013
No kids

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Virginia
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, December 20th (Thursday)

The one-year "antiversary" is this coming Saturday. If someone had told me a year ago that my H and I would not only still be together in a year, but still head-over-heels in love and enjoying each other, I'd have said they were full of it.

But it happened. First I was surprised and amazed we made it a week. Then before I knew it the weeks turned into months and months into one year. It's not been all "mai-tai's and Yahtzee", not by a long shot. There's been sleepless nights and difficult talks and gut-wrenching sobs, from me AND from him. But, it gets better. It truly does.

I have my best friend back. My H and I do everything together, willingly and joyfully, the way it was the first six years of our marriage. Our conversation and communication skills are off the chart now - We learned the hard way what happens when you don't communicate what you're feeling to your mate.

We've become much better at recognizing triggers and working through them together, even though some days it really, really sucks. Because to borrow the phrase from the hair color commercial - We're worth it!

So I would say to those new to the process - I know that where you are right now sometimes seems insurmountable; it felt that way to me when I was new in this. I would read the comments of those further along than me and think 'yeah right, no way in hell this will get better'. Don't give up. It's worth the effort.

Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.

Posts: 436 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
Member # 2524
Cool  Posted: 2:03 AM, February 5th (Tuesday)

Today has been 10 years since the d-day that brought me to SI. The spring and summer of 2003 was a very rough time, but things got better as time went on.

Many thanks to SI, to MH and DS, and the members who were here in 2003-2006 that were so much help. I learned so much from talking to all of you, and gained a lot of confidence in how to handle things during our recovery.

All those problems are in our distant past and we are doing really well.

Thanks again to SI!

Met in 1974. Married since 1979.
Reconciled and happy

"Some people call a willingness to work on things 'compromise'. I call it 'love'". - erzulie

Posts: 1961 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Southern California
Member # 36992
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)

Wanted to give hope to those currently going through these hard times.

It's been almost 19 years since DDay and 18.5 years since R began. We have come a long way during that time frame.

At the time of the A, we had no kids, it was the 2 of us and we had only been married a few years. After 5 months of Hell on Earth, we managed to come back together.

Since then we started a family. We have 2 beautiful children whom we adore. We treat each other with respect and love. We are in our second home and life seems to be going great.

We still have our moments (the ones all couples have....disagreements and such) but we have never fought. We have learned so much about one another and we try to make sure we don't take each other for granted.

As far as the A is concerned, I forgave her completely. I will never forget about it, but I will not beat her up over it. She has apologized enough and has shown remorse.

So for those that are trying for reconciliation, yes it is possible and it takes hard work, but it truly can be worth it.

Full disclosure: I found SI during a google search for controlling mind movies. My wife has not done anything to cause me to come here after all this time. She does not know that I have come here as I don't want her to relive this either. I'm trying to personally handle some emotional issues that cropped up about 5 years ago when the OM got a job about 2 minutes from where I work. I ended up seeing him every single day. Well he no longer works there....thank god! However, this caused the mind movies to start all over in my head and I will be seeking help in the forums concerning this.

Also, any information I can give to help another couple survive and lead to reconciliation, I am happy to provide. Just ask....BS or WS it doesn't matter.

Me - FBH
Happened many years ago

Posts: 51 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, February 11th (Monday)

Every day we are working to R. As crazy as it sounds, I think the A has literally SHOCKED us into reality and in the long run our marriage will be stronger then when we first said our now broken vows. We are reading books and doing the exercises in After the Affair, going to MC and IC. My WH has owned his behaviour from the moment I found out. This helps every single day. He is remorseful and full of regret. I am not sure when I will forgive him but I know I want too. And I know he needs to forgive himself as well. This all hurts so much and I know it will for a long time to come but my goodness when you set your mind to R over and above anything else, great things are bound to happen. I will post more positive notes as we go along and hopefully others can feel some of the same hopefullness that I do.

[This message edited by LA44 at 4:11 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3056 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, February 15th (Friday)

This is my story of a successful R. I believe it is the hardest, best road, but it’s not for sissies

My FWW and I were married in 1973, after being together a few years, and living together for one. When we got married, we made a wow to each other that even adultery was not necessarily grounds for divorce between us. We’d seen so many friends and friends’ parents break up over momentary lapses of judgment that we wanted to make sure there was another road for us to follow. Today, we call that R.

Almost 7 years to the day after we first slept together, the “Itch” caught up with her and I found a strange woman at my door informing me that we had both joined the same club, as the BS.

I was devastated, and confronted my WW that night. She denied it of course, but I only know one way to interpret, “They’ve been taking off work early and fucking in the afternoons.”

That led to a couple of months of TT and minimizing as the A continued and I dug the truth out of her. I thought a multi-month A that required planning and deception was well out of bounds of our vow, but I stuck it out and eventually got her to end it. I know this would have been a deal breaker for many, and it almost was for me.

She proved to be more emotionally detached than I knew, and refused to talk about it much, so it took me more years to heal than it should have, but we stayed married. We didn’t have Dr Glass, or SI or the internet and so we made a lot of it up on the fly, and in hindsight, we could have done our R a lot better. Lots of lumpy carpet in our house.

At her constant urging I finally had an “A of my own”, a ONS with the W of an associate. I guess my W thought getting even was part of the process. To me, it felt like more damage from her A, but at least the sex was good.

I recently found SI after getting triggered into excruciating flashbacks and have been going back and doing some of the work we should have done the first time. Later is harder, but it can be done.

SI has been a lifesaver for me, I’ve learned a lot and it is still sinking in. It’s getting better every day.

I thought I’d “affair-proofed” our M with my fidelity, attention, affection and support but I now see her risk factors were off the charts. Her FOO issues such that’s it’s likely I was making it worse by being such a good H. Wow.

I will never claim that our M is better than it would have been without our A’s, it’s not. My FWW says it was worth it, because she discovered that the grass isn’t greener anyplace else. Maybe that’s because she learned the lesson, and I paid the price.

I’ll repeat what I’ve said here before, the SI process is brilliant, but it is an ideal that does not have to be perfectly executed to have real value. Even half a loaf is a healthy meal. And it’s so good to know you’re not alone.

We’re about to celebrate our 40th anniversary. We have a couple of kids in college, a beautiful home, and some savings. Our friends see us as a model couple, and although we know better, we still love each other and I’m glad we’re still together.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 5:16 PM, February 15th (Friday)]

Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, February 16th (Saturday)

I will repost this is a separate post but thought I would share here first. FWW and I (at only 5 weeks from D day ) are having the best V day/ birthday weekend! She planned a day late V day of hiking in the morning and a Swedish massage after. Lunch afterwords. After getting rid of the kids for the weekend I surprised her with a trip out of town. Wine tasting today - this is a big step for me, I don't drink at all.,but it's her birthdays. Dinner out tonight.

Yes we are only at5 weeks out,but it does seem so easy to love each over again. I actually told her I was incredible happy with where we are, but also terribly said that we didn't fix this sooner.

Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 717 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)

Today is 23 months from initial dday. Like everyone on here my world as I knew it was shattered, I felt knives in my chest and did not think I would survive. Even though we were working on "us" and rebuilding our marriage my husband continued to TT & lie to me for 7 months. I found more information on his phone & thought our relationship was done. I had already forgiven him so I could move forward. I told him I loved him & we could move forward from anything but I deserved the truth & honesty, to be treated with respect, deserved love and passion and total committment. He answered all my questions that night, I saw his pain and remorse. I began to feel some peace as I had honesty.

We are surviving infidelity, together...We did not give up on each other. We no longer have a child centered marriage, we communicate what we need, we put each other first. My husband is a new man, he is more committed to me than he ever has been. Our priority is "us". I feel a love for him and from him that I did not think was possible. We choose to love and to do positive things for each other.

This is not easy. It has been the hardest and worst thing to happen to me. I still get sad, he holds me if I cry @ night, he's there for me if something triggers me, he's doing a wonderful job of loving me.

This has changed me, changed how I look at the world, I'm a different person, I am very strong. I think anyone who survives this is.
My life story has some really bad parts in it & a lot of pain but the road got me to where I am today. Today I am grateful for what I have and for my husband. He is the love of my life and I love him more than words can say. We communicate, have passion and great sex and we are best friends.

If we can make it through this,together, we can make it through anything.

So can you. Today is a gift.

Me-BS 52
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.

Posts: 662 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 37781
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)

@ forgivingnow....Hi...This has brought tears to my eyes as it is so inspiring. This is what I hope and pray for each day. Everybody's stories are different, but one thing we all have in common is we've experienced infidelity in some manner.

In fact all 5 pages on this thread should be read and reread by people like me and my H who are in the process of R which we all know isn't easy. It takes a lot of fight to survive infidelity together as you said. My H and I are trying, and I guess that is all I can ask for. I'm thankful that he is trying to give me, our M, and himself a 2nd chance.

D-Day 7/6/12 - My A was discovered that day; he confessed of his A's the day after
HIM: WS/BS (Cantgetworse11)
US: Madhatters
Together 20 yrs, 2 children, and trying....

Posts: 62 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 37194
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, February 22nd (Friday)


[This message edited by IForgiveHer at 2:09 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

Me: BH 37
FWW: 37 (sosorryididthis)
DDay: June 29, 2012
Married 18 years, together 19
2 great kids
I have to stop dwelling on the past so I can stay excited about the future!

Posts: 52 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Southern Oregon
Member # 36766
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, March 1st (Friday)

Well we are still early in recovery but I am glad to see this topic on here. It gives hope that there really can be a happy ending. We still have good and bad days after just over 6 months for D day but they are getting much much better. He actually will walk away from a agruement, think about it, come back and apoligize if he is wrong, and talk it out. Something he never did before. When I am having a bad day and he is away working, I am actually able to call him at work and he will take my call, something that has NEVER happened before unless an emergency. I would never abuse this and he knows it. The first time in over 10 years that he tells me if I need to talk, its OK to call ( he works on remote sites and can not always talk at work). This may sound strange to some or like its no big deal but its huge to me as my husband is married to his work while at work. He sends me little emails here and there while at work as well just to let me know he is thinking about me or to check that I am ok or having a good day. He just took me on one trip and we have another one planned next month (the last trip was more business but allowed us to visit some family and friends). This next trip is all about us and doing something we both love and to rekindle our romance without being interupted. Anyway, just wanted to share since I its only fair to write the good as well as the bad like I did in the past. I think we are on the road to recoverly, god I hope so !

No kids
Married 12 years
Been together 29 years
Me 44
Him 45
DD Aug. 21 2012 the day after we stared to build a new house in a new country.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, March 18th (Monday)

We celebrated our 6 year anniversary on Vday and are now about 2.5 years out from Dday.

Recent life stressors have been a major issue with each of us lately but the awesome thing is that we learned so much after Dday in IC and MC that we've applied to all areas of our lives. We take everything one step at a time, are honest and open with everything and it's just been so incredible!

In one way, I am happy that we were forced to look at our relationship and that we decided to fix it together. Do I wish it happened differently? I'm not sure because I don't know if anything else would've been a strong enough wake up call for us both.

BGF (me)- 25
FWBF (him)- 25
Was in a LTR but it's complicated now

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,

Posts: 969 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, March 28th (Thursday)

Thank you all for your positive stories!!!!

Do I wish it happened differently? I'm not sure because I don't know if anything else would've been a strong enough wake up call for us both.

I completely agree with this for us. Something catastrophic was bound to happen. It happened exactly the way it had to.

BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2769 | Registered: Aug 2012
New Member
Member # 38484
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, April 6th (Saturday)

I am so glad that this thread exsists. We are in reconciliation and this week was really good. It is great to see that people "make it" as there are so many other stories out there. We have found a great MC and it is really giving us a new tool set. Next weekend we will be 8 months out from D day. Listing to my gut; I know that we are going to make it. The hard part is shutting out all of the negativity from outside forces. We are learning to build boundaries around our relationship and making "us" a priority. I love the comment that this is not a story....just an ugly chapter in a great novel. I am off to run my half marathon, take my life back, become a better person and enjoy this NEW life!

BS (me): 43
WH: 46
DD: 4
D Day: August 14, 2012
Married: 17 years; together 20
OW: Just a fly I want to swat away
"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty" - May

Posts: 38 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

This poor thread needs an update! Hate that is has been a month and no good stories posted. So I will share.

Last Friday was date night. Nothing extra special. We got the kids a pizza and headed out for dinner. Wait was over an hour - which typically really upsets me. I was not happy, but we sat and talked and time went pretty quick. After dinner a little walk through the mall looking for a gift for her mom. Card shopping - Women take forever! Then ice cream for dessert.
A quiet evening with my wife, and the kids did not burn down the house I would call that a positive R story.

Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 717 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, May 27th (Monday)

Almost 18 months ago to the day was Dday. A year ago I could barely leave the house. All day was one giant panic attack.
Yesterday I think I had my first Trigger Free Day.

As I was laying in bed last night I was inventorying my feelings throughout the day. I could not think of one moment that I was in a rut. I'm sure there were passing thoughts but none that invoked any negative feelings.

I was grateful for the present. I was hopeful for the future. I was in the moment. I was free.

I decided to put this on the permanent record.

BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2769 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

its only a month out dday but so much has happened over the time yea lots of fights and crying but i know hes sorry and hes doing everything right which is why im in shock now hes the "alpha" guy never bow down or say your sorry or look weak , but hes laid down his pride for me shared his feelings has opened up and says hes been doing it wrong all along but never again will he rug sweep with me that me and our girls is all he has and wants to give us the world that he swears to protect this marriage with every inch of his life and never let a worthless person risk our happiness again .

i love this man though i still hurt his attuitude and him knowing what hes done a determination to make a change with not just him but our entire marriage getting rid of all distractions and making it about us was alot that he has done in a short amount of time this man is serious about me and my girls he is hanging on for dear life at my beck and call and i love to know i mean that much to him . he is so hard and cold to other ppl but has been so soft to me that most wouldnt believe it . he would just tell them this women (me) is responsible for the person i will become she controls me lol .....yeah hes back in line i know we have ALOT of work ahead but right now today i feel good



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I'm so glad this thread has been started! On days when I am in a "funk" about R I can come here and get a shot-in-the-arm to hang in there.

4 years from DD#1 and 1yr 3 mos from DD#2. I've been questioning if we are really in R or if it is a false R. MC went badly, as counselor is losing patience with me/my anger and distrust toward H. I've been wondering if I really can't feel good about him anymore.

H went on a 1 week business trip. I've been sad since last night because I have sensed distance going both ways. I began to trigger and worry how he would "behave" while gone. I came to SI to pick at the scab.

The door bell rang, and there were flowers...for me! The note said "Miss you already." and he is still on the plane, not having landed at his destination yet. I felt his embrace, my heart lifted and I felt love and warm feelings for him. He still loves me, and is doing his best to R keep rebuilding the M on his side. I need to give him a chance, let down my guard and go with the flow...something I haven't done since DDay#2.

Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 17th (Monday)

My turn to add a positive story!

Since DDay 2, my H has really opened up to me. He doesn't shy away when I need to talk about A-related issues. He listens to me. He shares his thoughts. It's really been amazing how far we have come - this time last year we were separated and he was in a LD EA/later PA with OW4.

Two weeks ago, his grandma had a stroke. She's 92. She's stable but lost mobility on her left side. He went home to see her this past Tuesday. He also helped his mom look for assisted living facilities. It was a very stressful time for him. He called (and texted) very often - just to hear my voice. I listened when he cried. I encouraged him. I was there for him whenever he needed me.

He came home Saturday night to be here for Father's Day. He hugged me so tight! We went to the bedroom and laid on the bed for a few minutes just so he could decompress. He told me that he appreciates me and he realized how much he really needs me. Later that night, he showed me how much

Yesterday was Father's Day. I suprised him with a new grill, cookbook, etc and I had the yard done so he wouldn't have to cut grass when he got back. He was very happy with his grill - and the steaks were awsome!

Last night, he told me how wonderful I am. How much he loves me. He also told me that he thinks stress is related to his wayward behavior. He said that he caught himself one time thinking "That nurse has a nice ass". He said he immediately stopped himself and said "What the hell are you thinking? She's nothing." So he called me instead. He was so proud of himself for recognizing that split second thought and knowing how to handle it properly. He also noticed his married uncle flirting with the nurses and was repulsed by his bevavior.

I told him that these 5 days apart gave me a chance to put some of the DDay 2 information in perspective. That I have come to terms with the fact that I will never understand all of the whys. So, I want to focus on our present and future. I have healed enough that I don't need to dwell on his As anymore. He told me that he lived the "single" life and that there is no other place that he wants to be than home with me! He appreciates his quiet life filled with love, not drama and lies.

We fell asleep last night in each other's arms, secure in our marriage, our future and our love for one another.

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Sometimes I think that when you first sign up for SI and get your orientation (where you can and can't post, etc) there should also be a comment that once you've "survived", (whatever than means to you), you should consider posting in this thread. Maybe we need one for those who R'd (this one) and one for those who D'd, but survived intact (a new one).

[This message edited by MoreWould at 4:40 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]

Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

Was just reading through these positive and inspiring stories and noticed it has been awhile since one was posted so thought I would share.

My story is a little different than most because my DH went to IC and started putting in the hard work finding out why he made the choice to have an A 5 months before he confessed to me. We had been legally separated for almost 8 months when he confessed, I did not know about the A when I moved out, but we had been "dating" since about the time he started seeing his IC. I had just moved back in a couple weeks before he confessed.

Anyway, sorry I tend to get a little off track. I went with him to a couple of his sessions (the last half hour of each session) and then I started going to his IC myself after he confessed. I have to say, I was scared out of my mind. However,my DH went with me and sat in the waiting room until I was done. He never once asked to come in, he said he just wanted to be there to support me when I was done. Which I always thought was very sweet and loving of him. Eventually I started having him come in for the last half of my session. From there we started actual MC with the same person. Never once did the thought ever cross my mind to get a D after he confessed to me. The time we had been apart while we were separated was so hard, I missed him too much and he missed me and my kids. I had always thought he resented my kids, but turns out he just thought he was a horrible parent. He has said many times that he doesn't know how to be a Dad. He has since learned that he is a great Dad. He Loves them, he wants the best for them. They are teenagers, they have mouths and they are exploring their independence. It has nothing to do with his ability to be a good dad. We have explored this part of his feeling like he isn't good enough in MC. Once I broke it down for him and compared him to their actual "father"... ie: he has never missed a volleyball game, softball game,track meet, band concert,parade, band competition, football game and he uses all his vacation every year so that he can go to band camp and doesn't have to miss anything, and their actual "father" has been to exactly 1 band concert, 2 football games and 2 parades (one of which was the same night as the football game) in 9 yrs. He has never been there for them, my DD17 hasn't been to his house in 4 1/2 yrs, youngest DD went 2 months ago and said that was it she isn't going back. My DS21 rarely ever speaks to him, but they appreciate everything that my DH has ever done for them, they know how proud he is of them. I never knew just how much his thoughts on not being a good dad affected him.

We have mostly good days now. He understands the pain I feel and when I have a bad day he tries to comfort me. He has helped me to face my triggers head on and he senses now when something is about to trigger me and will do something to comfort me. As a couple we are so much stronger than we have ever been. As a family we are happier than ever. I know we are going to make it! I know that he wants nothing to do with the OW. I know that he used her to fill a void in his life and that she pursued him when she knew he was weak and clinically depressed, not saying that is an excuse just that I know it is his why and his how. After seeing the pain he has caused me I honestly don't think he will ever stray again, I can see in his eyes how deeply it affects him to see the pain he has caused me. I need constant reassurance and he gives it, without question, without me asking, without getting upset. He offered all his info: passwords for everything, took the password off his phone, and installed the "find my friends" app on his phone, all without me asking.

I know we still have a long road to go before we are 100% healed, but we are on the right track and I couldn't be happier about that!

Sorry this is so long, I tend to be long winded!

Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

Only 5 months out, but my wife and I have been going to counseling and working hard to reconcile.

I had a rough day yesterday. Triggered pretty hard and gave my wife some grief for the first time in awhile. But by the time we went to bed, we were on good terms. We had a great day today!

This is significant because just one month ago, a day like yesterday would have sent me into a tailspin that would last at least 4-5 days, making us both miserable.

Getting back on an even keel the same day is a huge step forward for us. The roller coaster ride is starting to smooth out a bit.

Me (BS)-46, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1623 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

After the hell we have been through this past year, things are looking pretty good. Twelve days until the anniversary of my d-day. We went to Waffle house with our four kids and an older couple stopped us on the way out and asked us if all four of the kids were ours or if we were a blended family. The wife was betting that we were a blended family because we seemed to be acting too much in love...too much like newlyweds. We said, “nope.. all four are ours together, although he does have an 18 and 17 year old from his first marriage. We are nearing our 12th wedding anniversary and we have been together 14 years. (Side note.. his ex was 8 mos pregnant with another man’s child when we started dating. I was never the ow)
Anyway, just wanted to share a small victory. These people have no idea how much we needed to hear this. My WS answered saying we will be acting like this until we are 90.
Please take the time to share these types of things with strangers. You never know how you can make someone’s day.

Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 318 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
Member # 38263
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I looked at my husband today, 6 months into R, and thought, "I like you a little bit more than yesterday". Baby steps :)

I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Broevil has been not deleting text messages until we can look at them and compare them to the phone bill since Day. We would do it on a regular basis. The 3-4 months we were slacking and she was bugging me to check them so she could delete them for more space on her phone.

She broke her phone over the weekend. This morning we got her a new phone. As we got in the car she said, "oh no, now we won't be able to go through all those old messages"

Without even thinking I responded, "if I didn't trust you I would have been checking them all along". Which is so true.

[This message edited by Chicho at 8:44 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2769 | Registered: Aug 2012
New Member
Member # 40290
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, August 12th (Monday)

My wife and I have made it past the two year mark. We have become closer and have begun the process of healing. She never had anything to do with the OM since that day. She has expressed a great deal of remorse, and has tried to make everything better in our lives.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2013
New Member
Member # 40387
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

It feels good to look at eachother and know that we're almost on the same page, communication is getting easier now.I've been do a lot more reading then posting but I have to say thank you to all you brave hearts out there who share your stories good bad and ugly it gives me hope that we can all change and find that happy ending I know our struggle is not just yet over but knowing he's is this with me and that WE are worth it speaks volume and again thank you to all bc if I didn't read and take a lil from each story I wouldn't have thought we could move forward.

[This message edited by Lostly88 at 12:06 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

Me_26 EA _ 1 1/2 years ago
Him_24 PA _ 1 year into relationship
Together 5 years
D-day_April 2013 (not sure what day)
May all the pain and sorrow be lifted by the rays of clarity and happiness warm out hearts. 💏

Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: California
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I can't tell you how much I needed this thread. I am more in love with my FWH and my new self than I ever imagined possible. Thank you all for sharing, it can feel like losing your mind at so many stages of reconciliation and doubt is so terrifying. This thread is a tool I will use when I get lost in fear and uncertainty.

My husband revealed the affair with the fact that he was leaving me and going to the other woman, and within an hour of the discovery I told him no. That simple fact has beaten me down so much, that it sometimes overshadows the amazing relationship work we have done.

I think I am actually lucky. If not for this atomic bomb in our marriage, we had a dismal future of non-communication and parallel unhappiness. We are free now. We are free to say anything to each other, because the unimaginable has happened. That freedom leads to real love, a real love that I truly believe not many couples are privileged enough to live inside of.

I am so proud of myself for saying no, and for my husband to be willing to try when he felt that all hope was lost.

From great pain comes great rewards, there is only the path that exists behind us - that we cannot alter. We are building the path ahead of us with purposeful decisions and love each and every waking moment.

me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6

Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, August 30th (Friday)

I am 3 years in and wondering how engaged we are in our lives again. it makes me uneasy when all of a sudden the W sends me a note.
know I don’t tell you this enough, but I am very grateful and blessed to have both you and DS in my life each and every day. I know you had a choice to make to stay, and still have that choice every day, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about that. Thank you for making the choice to stay, even when I gave you every reason in the world to leave. I am beyond grateful for that.

We really do have a blessed life."

That my friends is worth more than any amount in gold.
This can work, people do change and remorse with love provides a fuel for connection.

BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 1990 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, August 30th (Friday)

1year Dday is just 11 days away. The road has been steep and filled with hell but the benefits at the top of the mountain couldn't be better. Our marriage is so much better, more fulfilling, sexier and happy then it has been in years. Even with the ups and downs I wouldn't trade it for going back to my old life. The old life was broken.....this one is a keeper !!!!


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

I realized after the fact that yesterday was the 9 month Anti-versary and I didn't get caught up in it. I didn't walk myself through that night - dredge it up.

I am so happy with where we are right now. We are genuinely happy to be with one another and it appears many of our family and friends have noticed too. I am sure their jaws would hit the floor if they knew what is behind our new-found awareness of each other.

It has taken so much to get to where we are. I can only hope that we can keep moving forward.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3056 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

As requested, I'm reposting this.

I posted in OT( about my panic last night thinking I had lost the box containing all the pictures and mementos that I have of the daughter I gave up for adoption. My wonderful H remembered exactly where the box was and brought it down from the attic today.
And there was so much stuff in the box that I didn't remember.

After dday # God Only Knows in August/September 2011, I took our wedding album, tore it to pieces and threw all the pages into the front yard. They sat there for days, getting rained on, etc. They were ruined and at some point, JM picked it all up and disposed of them.

After we R and renewed our vows, I regretted destroying the pictures because I thought they were all we had. I thought our professional album had been destroyed in the house fire we had in 2000.

Well, when I was going through the stuff in this box tonight, I opened up a very old jewelry box, and inside was our original wedding album. All of the professional pics from our wedding were there. I wept, tears of relief that these pictures still existed. Tears of... grief, seeing the hope and anticipation on those young faces and knowing the pain that the future held for that bride and that groom. Tears of healing, realizing that God has taken the broken shards of our past and made a beautiful mosaic of our life.

I wish we could have learned the lessons and become who we are today some other way. But I know me, and I know JM, and we both always had to take the longer, harder path to everything. We could never do anything the easy way.

So here we are. I can now look at those wedding pictures and smile, knowing that we are here, we are together, we are not beaten or broken.

And I am happy.

Me, 48
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 18 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 3115 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
New Member
Member # 40863
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

Very sad but not surprised that none of the reconciliation stories are from spouses who have recovered from betrayal with prostitutes?

'Like bells jangled, out of tune and harsh.'
D-Day 19 April 2013 
Me-BS 47 
Him-SA/FWS (so he says) 57 
Married 20 years. 
Learned that he has NEVER been faithful.
Many ONS, many OW & approx 300 prostitutes. PUKE, PUKE, PUKE!!!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: jangledchick
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I am a spouse who has fully reconciled with my husband who was with prostitutes. I think my story is #81 on this thread. We have worked together to create the marriage we both want. A marriage with love, lust,laughter, communication and honesty. I'm sure there are others.

Me-BS 52
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.

Posts: 662 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 39747
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Jangled chick,

My H used prostitutes, and I think our reconciliation is longer and harder because it's so gross. On DDay I threw up.

90% of the time we do ok, but we still have the occasional bad few days. The only way I could come to terms with it was to find out 'why'. For him he was badly sexually abused and although I know that's not an excuse,
it's a reason. He was very broken.

With prostitutes there's no EA. I comforted myself that they were never going to want him, and he didn't want them either. It was a business arrangement.

The one that bothered me the most was an ex pupil of his who said she loved him and wanted him for herself.

At almost a year out, I'm optimistic that it'll be ok. I honestly believe that people can change if there's enough love.

Our marriage is getting better and better. We're making it.

My heart goes out to you, it's got to be the worst sort of infidelity, but even this isn't beyond repair.


[This message edited by Healinggirl at 3:10 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

Me 58
WS 58 Sexually abused as a boy
OW Prostitutes in double figures
OW Home wrecking, work-shy, gold-digging secondary abuser

D Day 11 November 2012

You can't scale a mountain in a single step

Posts: 147 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Can't post here just yet I'm afriad, but just wanted to say that reading here is giving me a boost to keep going.

THanks to everyone for sharing.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1117 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
New Member
Member # 41402
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)

This is one of the most positive stories I have found:

It helped me a lot just knowing that someone made it through and found a new normal! This has given me a lot of hope. When D-Day happened I had never heard a successful story, so I searched everywhere to find one. I liked that he posted his entire story because it made it easier to relate to where he was coming from, and how far he had come to get where he is today!

Me(BS). 22 Him(WS). 21
Together Since Jan.04, 2008
Got Engaged Aug. 13, 2012
D-Day July 2013 (He confessed 3 years later)
Will be getting married Jan. 04, 2014

"And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost"

Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

After all the help and support I've received from SI these past few months, I'm so glad to have a positive story to add.

My husband and I have been in R, and while things are going well I was anxious about our having to spend Thanksgiving apart. Long story - has to do with one of our kids attending an out-of-state camp over the holiday - the point is that on top of everything else that's happened this year, we're now spending a holiday apart for the first time and we're apart as a family.

The day after I put husband and child on the plane, I was getting ready in the morning and discovered a card hidden in my dresser drawer. It was from my husband, who had written a long note that came as close to baring his soul as he's ever done in all the years we've been together. If I were to write out everything one would want to hear from a fWH, all of those things were in this note...and it came at just the right time, when we were beginning a week apart. The "old" husband wouldn't have thought ahead to how he might do something nice for me while we were apart, nor would have have shared such personal both huge signs of how much has changed in our M.

And....the other day was the six-month anti-versary, which I didn't realize until I was falling asleep at night. I was absolutely thrilled to realize that after counting down the days and weeks since D-Day for months...I actually forgot this milestone!

D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Time to add another post here... Friday was the 2nd antiversary of Dday. The day came and went without a hitch. There was about a three minute conversation about how shitty that day was. The rest of the day was about how far we have come. Dday feels much more like a starting point than an ending point.

BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2769 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, December 13th (Friday)

Just in love with my husband and family today. Feeling so grateful to both of us for being strong enough and willing to go through this for each other.

Merry merry.

me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6

Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, December 15th (Sunday)

Was cleaning out some old emails and found this email from my BH from almost two years ago. It pretty much sums up our positive reconciliation story :

So I am sitting at my desk and thinking of the last 25 years of our life together. So many extreme events both good and bad and so many emotions both good and bad. The one constant through it all has been our love for each other. We battled the odds that were stacked against us from the beginning and came out on top.

In 73 days we will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in Jamaica, the place we began as us. I cant wait to just forget about everything and just take time to relax with the woman I love.

If I look at our life together like a book it would have 5 chapters

Chapter 1: The early years.

We were two kids living the life. We had our own place and we were so grown up. We painted and decorated our first place with such love and to us it was our castle.

A couple of years went by and then we started our family. We had it all, we were so much in love and had two beautiful healthy kids, who could ask for more?

Chapter 2: My selfish years

Looking back I can now see that I had everything and almost threw it all away. I was only thinking of myself back then. I think back then we both resented each other for different reasons. We had no tools to communicate our feelings or our needs to each other. I know we tried but we just didn’t know how to listen.

The funny thing is I never for one minute stopped loving you. You were on my mind always.

Chapter 3: Moving on

We worked through our problems the best we knew how and moved on in more than one way. First we rebuilt our marriage to the best of our capabilities. Then we literally moved. We took our family to the suburbs and ended up in ---------. At the time I thought we were in heaven. I remember loving coming home from work and feeling like I was on vacation. The first part of this chapter was great. We had a fresh start in a beautiful little town and our love was as strong as ever. Our two babies were doing great. What else could we ask for?

Then bam 9/11 hits us and turns our world upside down. It took a couple of years for me to recover emotionally from that.

Chapter 4: A living hell

This chapter starts with my mom getting sick and then passing away. The four of us took this real hard. She was a great mother to us and a wonderful grandmother to our kids.

The following year the bottom began to drop out. Although it would take two years for the bottom to completely fall out it had begun.

Looking back now I can see us growing apart and taking each other for granted. Not to mention the resentment that was growing.

Then that horrible day in August came that would change the landscape our lives forever.

How the hell do we recover from this? And to make matters worse we were having huge problems with our son.

By the end of this chapter we started to rebuild the foundation of our marriage with such tenacity. We were so motivated to fix what had been so badly broken. I truly believe that we succeeded in doing that.

Chapter 5: A new beginning--- on our way to a happy ending.

So we start this final chapter so much in love with each other. We both have a new found love and respect for one another

We watch our baby graduate and leave the nest.

We then buy a beautiful house in ----- and we are empty nesters so much in love with each other. I am so much enjoying this part of our lives.

This chapter is not over yet but one thing I know for sure is it will have a happy ending.

Happy Anniversary my love.

"What the everloving fuck?!?!?!" -Solus sto

Posts: 41598 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Thank you for this topic. Just over a year post DDay, wanting to stay in this marriage, but finding it hard. Positive stories help. Hope I will be able to post my own some day.

Me: BS 60
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2013 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 157 | Registered: Dec 2013
New Member
Member # 41890
Question  Posted: 7:20 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Can anyone please give me some specific advice about how to make the transition from "just getting through each day" to having a relationship that we actually enjoy again? I think that I deserve better. D-Day was 1.5 yrs ago; affair was 1 1.5 years long, after 22 years of marriage. There seems to be very little emotional attachment. We went through counseling for a short while, and it did help but our insurance is terrible....I do not want to be the one to do the "heavy lifting" - I'll admit it.....I appreciate any specific pointers.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Hello suddenlysad, welcome to SI. There are a ton of people here who have a lot of experience navigating their way through this chaos. You will get many more responses by starting a new thread whenever you are ready. We are here to help.

BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2769 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, January 10th (Friday)

An, your post was awesome

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3919 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Great post AN! I know when our bottom started falling out and I know when it got worse. We ignored too much for too long. Tired of that, I ran into the fire, he, on the other hand checked out. Then Dec, 6, 2012. It changed us forever and I believe for the better. Didn't see that last year at this time but I do now.

((suddenlysad)), Welcome to SI. I am sorry for your hurt. And no. You should NOT be doing all the heavy lifting.

As Chicho wrote, start a new post in Recon bc many are not likely to see this one in this particular thread.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3056 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, January 20th (Monday)

Just wanted to jump on and share my happy :)
We are almost at six months and doing so well.

It has been a very long and very difficult nightmare of a journey- but we are both working on putting each other first and speaking honestly everyday.
We smile more, we laugh more, we are accomplishing so much in our lives- together.
We are still fresh into this, but so far I am extremely hopeful and so excited at all of the positive changes I have seen in both of us.
It has been almost a month since I've had a "breakdown" (used to count the time between by hours or days).
We still talk about it, I still cry some, and not a day goes by that I don't think about it often- but we are stronger now- and he is showing me everyday that he is in this with me.

I look forward to my next update- may be a few months. I feel confident in our new journey.
As always, cautiously optimistic, but very much enjoying our happiness right now.

I wish everyone peace and happiness.

Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 40
Him- FWS 36
15 years
DD- 14 and DS- 13
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
full truth: November 14, 2013
A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC
Working on R

Posts: 801 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

Hello all,
My W's downward spiral began with a blow to her perceived value. It was a lay off at work. This was such a tremendous blow to her sense of self it started the walk toward Depression and her self-destructive thought processes, ending in the affair. Well this week, lay offs at work. Here comes the AXE, plus Grandmother in hospice making the slow walk to her demise.
Worried, you bet.
But not about family finances, or impact of layoff. But rather HER..
How do I know she is different, more capable?
She called to tell me she was terminated, could I watch our DS Thursday because she scheduled a emergency apt with IC. And she moved TOWARD me. Tears, frustrations, worries, hugs, kisses. She is different, She is more capable, She is protecting us , Herself, and focused on what's important. Our family.
Blessed to be in a different marriage with an authentic W.

BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 1990 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 37523
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Just wanted to share at five years out that I am so blessed to be five years out (and with TWO remorseful partners) that it can be done: "New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth" - Thomas Hardy

If you have both partners 100% committed, it can work. But only then. Never settle for less.

Us: 50ish, madhatters, married 20 odd yrs
TT: May 2009 'til June
DDay for both: June 17, 2009
Me: 2x, same person, 1991
Him: 1.5 year PA (EA?) 2007-2009

Honey Badger don't care. - Randall

Posts: 386 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Flyover chic
Member # 34689
Shocked  Posted: 2:59 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

4 years of counseling came to a close just a few days ago.

We finally are comfortable (well, probably not completely comfortable but it is "doable") working on issues that arise together and my wife can do so without losing control emotionally.

This has been the hardest thing I have ever done, and I honestly don't think I could do it again.

But, my wife is "present" in our marriage in a way that she never was for many years, and truly is able to be more support than ever before.

The funny thing is, when the affair happened we were financially in a good place, we were finally getting established securely in our home, which was quite nice, although it was small, after 3 years. Things were "falling into place" after a lot of hard work, we were getting settled. I had time off from work, only worked 4 days a week, we had plenty of cash on hand and our credit cards were all payed off monthly. True, our kids were young and there were a lot of sleepless nights though. But the real secret was what I didn't know, what was hidden.

My wife was depressed, suicidal at times, and paranoid that I was going to leave her and the kids (all in secret of course). She was drinking in secret and smoking marijuana all in an effort to control her anxiety as her mental state spun out of control, which continued and led to the affair. She was embarrassed about sex and felt dirty every time we had sex, or at least the day after.

Now, we are much older, we are in financial turmoil and have been for years due to the real estate crisis and our not declaring bankruptcy when it hit, our home we live in is falling apart, literally (we have no kitchen floor other than the subfloor, the carpet is worn out with holes in it (probably 20 years old), we had to remove the flooring from three rooms because of a washing machine overflowing and cannot afford to replace them, the kitchen cabinets are literally falling apart, and simply cannot be fixed, we owe more on the home than it is worth, and we had a disastrous final quarter of 2013 in our business and we are now near bankruptcy, with our business and personal credit nearly maxed out...not quite but it is getting there. I'm working 5, 6, and even 7 days a week, sometimes up to 18 hours a day or more, in an effort to hold on until home prices recover so we don't lose all our property (which is our only retirement besides social security). Our kids are almost grown, two are adults and out of high school, one left home last year and moved back in when her relationship with her now ex-boyfriend ended, this was very hard on us both because he is extremely irresponsible, extreme might be putting it lightly.

But, my wife is not depressed...she is not suicidal...she is not paranoid that I am going to leave her...her anxiety is under control for the first time in ?forever?....she is not drinking in secret (in fact she quit altogether almost 4 years ago and hasn't had so much as a sip since)....she is not smoking marijuana in secret (or at all for that matter, having quite nearly 6 years ago even before our counseling started because she couldn't figure out what was happening to her), and she is here, really here, involved, not just "acting" or "faking" her involvement and zoning out when she gets the opportunity, and I can rely on her when things get tough, and she actually enjoys sex.

Wow, I guess that 20K in counseling was a good investment.

BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1095 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, February 14th (Friday)

10 years past the A and we truly celebrate each other and our love on Valentine's Day. We don't dwell in the painful memories or what happened. I am certainly mindful of how blessed I am that I can still call my H my Valentine and that he still considers me his. I came so close to throwing it all away out of my own pain and extreme selfishness. Through all of that, he stood beside me and believed in us. I do too. That's why on Valentine's Day 10 years later we look forward at how much good stuff is ahead. Blessings to you all tonight. R is possible... and all the work was worth it.

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23493 | Registered: May 2004
Member # 34023
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

It's been a long time since I posted here, but I wanted to share because I remember how much these stories gave me hope. It has been almost 2 1/2 years since Dday. We're still together, happier than before the A. It's not perfect, but I don't know of anything in the world that is. I rarely think of the pain anymore, and when I do it is with a detachment. It is truly something of the past. I thought that dark cloud would hang over us forever, but it really seems to be gone except on rare occasions. So have hope! Two people who want to get through this can do it, and you will be happy againno mmatter what!

BS - Me, 34
WS - Husband, 41
Married 5 years, together an eternity.
DDay - 9/13/11

"Well I've been had, yeah I guess that's how it looks. And it's not funny like on TV, and it's not smart like it is in books."

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Ohio
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, March 17th (Monday)

We just passed the year mark, and I finally decided on R. Little did I know that this is when the real work and healing takes place!

We know we can no longer hide our feelings. We both got so used to that over the years. More and more I see just how much I sacrificed by never speaking up about anything. I'd go along with anything to make life easier. But in the long run, all it causes is pain for both of us.

So we're trying radical honesty and trying to make all important decisions together. It feels a little exhausting, and hopefully it will get easier as we practice. I have to constantly check with myself to see if I'm really feeling this or if I'm hiding again.

I also feel closer to H than I ever have. I'm willing to go through the pain of inner growth for the feeling of not being completely alone in life. It's such a radically different marriage experience for us both.

After DDay, I kept wondering what healing wold look like. I couldn't imagine it. But now I can see it and it's amazing. I feel like I'm rediscovering who I am.

DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"the castle's under siege, but the sign outside says 'leave me alone.'"

Posts: 877 | Registered: Mar 2013
Ole Restart
Member # 3434
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

Wow! It's been a long time, since I was on here! Just thought that I'd 'play catch-up' for a minute.

My hubby has dementia and doesn't remember his A. at all, but that's okay in his case. I love him, unconditionally, and am grateful that I have him in my life!

We'll be celebrating 20 yrs. of "wedded bliss" on 1 June, 2014. Mind you, we'll go out to eat, and it will be just fine. He's not able to walk much at all; so, we use a wheel-chair access form of transportation which is costly ($100 RT). We need to get out of the house for something besides doctor's app'ts. and the ilk. On a fairly regular basis, we meet an older couple whom we've known for these past 20 years (hubby knew them long before I did). I try to help him by drawing his friends near him as often as possible.

The only down-side for him and me is that I just don't have any sexual feelings/desires one way or the other. I DO love my hubby more than "anybody in the whole world" as I tell him repeatedly. He tells me that he loves me about (what seems like) 50x a day! Yeah, that does get annoying, but he can't help it. I suppose that I just need to realize that I should enjoy hearing the words, ILY, because one day I won't be able to hear his voice say them; then, I'll wish that I hadn't said anything about the repetition!

Now, you know what our life is like these days. I love him (FWH) and am grateful for our togetherness. That's IT! I have providers who help me to take care of him; so that I may get out and relax/unwind/run errands every day of the week for 8 hrs.

Cheers, and know that the marriage can be made strong, again. It's up to the parties involved as to whether or not it gets reconciled. I couldn't imagine my life without Hubby. Here we are, about 11 years from d-day, and I'm happy!
ole restart

[This message edited by Ole Restart at 1:23 AM, March 30th (Sunday)]

Me: FBW, 63; He: FWH, 86.
Married: June 1, 1994.
Dday: 18 March, 2003.

Posts: 12896 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Texas
New Member
Member # 19256
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I haven't been here is a long time but I wanted to come back and share our story in hopes it may inspire others.

Today is our 6 year anniversary of D-day. I still get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think of that day. I remember so clearly how I told my husband that I was unfaithful. We had a really rough time moving forward but we were committed to each other and our marriage so we worked hard at recovery. We went to counseling and had faith-based help too. Those beginning days were especially hard as we both owned our parts in our broken relationship. Triggers were still touchy for a few years. It wasn't easy but it was so worth it. Today I actually had to remind my dear husband the significance of the day. Time does help to lessen the pain.

We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in January. We now understand how much a good marriage is truly worth because we had to fight for it and work for it. We are much stronger now than before the affair.

Best wishes for all of you on your path to healing, in whatever form that takes.

Me: WW, 44
BH, 48
DDay: 4-15-08

Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

Gerrygirl and I are fast approaching 21yrs of marriage. Not sure that we would have made it past about 14yrs if it hadn't been for SI.

As a WS, I fought against R for about 2yrs. Then I hit bottom and gerrygirl had found SI, so I signed up too. about 6-months later she discovered False-R, and that was the real rock bottom. But, she fought for R and for our M.

That was 2010. So I guess we are at 4yrs in R, and it was most definitely worth it.

After everything, it turns out that communication was the main problem (not the reason for the EA...). Even deeper than that though was the fear of communicating certain things. We both had this problem, and still do to some extent, but now we are able to get over our fears and communicate the tough issues. Part of communication is listening, and we've both become better listeners.

I love my wife. It is something that I lost site of a number of years ago. We are happy now though. We respect each other. We check in with each other. We look forward to seeing each other. We pick up the slack for each other when we need to. We know each others strengths. We trust each other.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Member # 25379
Wink  Posted: 10:10 AM, April 28th (Monday)

It has been a long time since I have been here. I just want everyone to know that I and Hopelessromantic are still going strong and more in love than ever. Celebrating a birthday today and 5 years since my terrible indiscretion. In the past 5 years I have survived cancer and in remission now almost 3 years. And the most amazing thing to me is she never left my side through the whole terrible ordeal. Oh, don't get me wrong we still have our moments but they are positive for the most part. We both faced our demon a couple years ago and survived. So to those of you out there who have doubts it can work but it takes a LOT of work and COMMUNICATION and the most important things are LOVE and UNDERSTANDING. Forgiveness will come but it take a long time. So stick with it and don't give up, your life will be better for it

FWH (me)
BW (hopelessromantic)
Dday 5/03/09 TT til 6/22/09

Posts: 103 | Registered: Sep 2009
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, April 28th (Monday)

A Reconciliation Story:

I wanted to put a summary post here, in hopes that it might be an encouragement to other Betrayeds pursuing Reconciliation with a truly remorseful Wayward spouse. (I am sorry in advance if this grieves anyone stuck with an unremorseful Wayward.)


I am more than a decade past my wife's brief affair. It was the darkest chapter of either of our lives-- a period in which she became an entirely different (and frankly pretty awful) woman.

A partial discovery on my part led to our separation for the better part of the year-- and elicited TT confessions of an emotional affair from her. (I wanted so desperately to believe that-- and yet I was consumed with paranoia, rage and suicidal temptations-- so certain was I that she was lying.)

She ended her affair after my separation-- and spent those months growing more and more horrified and disgusted with herself, promising God and herself she'd never stray again. But she refused to confess the full truth to me-- knowing that I'd divorce her before she had a chance to prove to me and herself that she really could be the best wife in the world.

Her prayers grew more desperate, asking God to forgive her, to give her a second chance, to give her a sign, something!-- yet they only made her feel further from Him.

Five months in, she was called up for Jury Duty on a drug possession with intent to distribute offensive-- and she and 11 other people voted to send another man, who'd confessed his guilt and asked for leniency, to prison.

This and many other small encounters with crime and punishment, guilt and confession, finally led her to confess the full truth to me in my apartment. She barely got through it-- choking on her sobs-- and asked not for a second chance, because she knew I wouldn't grant it now that I knew the full truth. She said, "I know you're going to leave me, and hate me, and I deserve both and so much worse. But please, please tell me that one day you might forgive me. I don't have the right to ask it, but I just need it so badly."

I threw her out. Called my family. My brother counseled divorce- my parents said they support whatever I choice I made. I went to bed weeping and praying and screaming until I finally had nothing left.

And the next morning, I woke up to a jarring thought- almost spoken out loud in my skull. "You are forgiven, and you can forgive. You can do it. You can."

I called her back to my apartment-- and she came through the door, ready for divorce papers, rants and the rest. And I looked at her and said, through tears, "I don't know how to do this. But I forgive you. And I'll stay with you."

She collapsed on couch, just sobbing so hard she couldn't talk for five minutes. And when she finally could, she said, "I will never forget this feeling. I've never, ever seen this kind of love before and I know I don't deserve it. But I will spend the rest of my life trying to earn it. I know you can't trust me now, but I will never, ever hurt you, or give you a reason to doubt me again. Ever."

Our new marriage started that day, in the wreckage of the old. And she's kept her promise, and became a better wife than any that I know. Though Reconciliation took years, and was full of all the usual pains, forgiving her was the best decision I've ever made. And choosing it, and loving her, has made me a better man, and made me happier than any husband I know.

I hope the same for anyone reading this.

John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)

I think it is time that I add my story to the this wonderful list and hope that others will find some comfort in knowing something good could emerge from something so horrible as infidelity.

As our MC explained to me, my FWW's situation was "the perfect storm" where depression, mid-life crisis issues, lack of good boundaries and relationship issues with her father all met at once. My WW has suffered from depression for several years and takes medication daily. I had never known her to be very depressed as the medicine kept her in check but last winter she fell into a deep depression and never told me about the darkness which had come into her life. And she didn't tell me that she wasn't happy with any aspect of her life due to the depression either. She had traveled with her father to his annual Viet Nam reunion where several of the veterans attended along with their children. The OM was the son of one of the veterans. After the reunion in 2012, the OM befriended my W on FB and started sending her PMs. He is single and lives 2000 miles away. These PM's accelerated and soon there were text messages and phone calls and it became a long distance EA for my WW which turned into a weekend PA at the reunion in 2013. The EA & PA was one way as the OM had no intention of having any sort of relationship, his sole motivation was to have sex with her. She is a beautiful and smart woman and way out of his league. She was attracted to him because he paid attention to her in her time of vulnerability. Of course she made a horrible decision to allow him to continue his advances and is equally to blame.

About a week after she returned home, her mind was spinning out of control and her conscious was eating her alive. She made an appointment to see her therapist and he told her that the only hope in saving her marriage was to come clean and tell me. So that evening she came home and confessed it all. To say I was crushed and devastated would be an understatement. The pain was the worst I had ever endured and I was a complete wreck for several months. We had a very good marriage, a brand new dream home, great careers, success, happiness and two wonderful young children. We were seemingly living the American dream and I did everything in my ability to always focus on her and to make her happy. And yet, somehow it was not enough and she still cheated. It was the most heartless, selfish, hateful thing she could have done to me and it is still unbelievable that she did such a thing to jeopardize everything in her world. I did not believe she was capable of doing such a thing and blindly trusted her.

Now I was forced to make a choice. R or D? I was on the fence for a while and spent much time praying and eventually decided to try R. My WW was extremely remorseful, apologetic and ashamed about her horrible choices from D-Day forward. She was completely honest and answered every question and frequently apologized and tried to comfort me every day. I guess if there is such a thing as a model WS then she was and it helped tremendously.

Our MC helped us both very much and we are still going to see him monthly. He identified one problem in our marriage which we both needed work on which was to open up more with each other; for both of us to be better communicators and not to hold in problems. We have both worked on this and our marriage is now well on its way to being better and stronger than ever before. I just hate the fact that it took an A to realize that we needed to improve our communication skills. We have always tried to carve out time for just the two of us but now have pledged to have weekend getaways about once a quarter and we have really enjoyed these little trips immensely.

It has now been a year since D-day and it is still a struggle for me some days. I think about it every day but the sting is gone and my heart does not race when the thoughts come. I have accepted that it happened and have forgiven her and she is so happy to know that she has been given a second chance. I hope that somebody will realize from my story that there is real hope and R is possible but it is not an easy road and there are many potholes and detours along the way. I would have never thought it possible that we would actually be in such a good place only a year later. God Bless!

Posts: 368 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 16th (Friday)

I realized this post truly belonged here to offer hope and help others on this ride. Mods...feel free to delete or lock other posting as necessary

During the last week, we had another family member’s serious health scare (hence my last posting), it gave us time to think. A second time this year where someone close to us was ill. I think someone above was pointing out to us that we need to stop and reflect on the path. Time we needed to process so much that has happened over the last few years. Meditation and yoga are a wonderful thing.

As it is said, over and over on SI….3-5 years is the norm. This is so true. It takes time. I know it is a dreaded 4-letter word, but time is one of the major keys. The path to full healing is not a straight line; it is indeed a rollercoaster. Enjoy the highs, because you will need to cling to those during the lows. It took a long time to realize that. A very long time. But I understand the path now. The highs and lows now are not as extreme as they were a year or two ago. It takes time to rebuild what was lost so we don’t swing to either extreme as wildly.

Once my H finally took ownership of his brokenness and finally addressed ALL the demons, things changed. It took him so much time to finally agree to get help. I had to do some ‘toughlove’ and draw the proverbial line in the sand. I needed to heal myself completely. I needed time to finally realize that I had to be ready to just walk away knowing I did all I could to save our M. As I could not continue to cycle up and down due to his not addressing his issues fully. I had gotten as far as I could go. I was in a perpetual loop as he had not addressed what was broken inside him. If we were to move forward, it was his move or my checkmate. He decided that he was not ready to throw in the towel, and made the move I wish he had made two years ago. (We can bring the horse to water, but it is up to it to drink, it just takes a while sometimes to realize it is thirsty.) Once he did this, the AP became a non-existent human being to us both. That weight around his neck that threatened to drown him and I, was dropped to the bottom of the ocean. Because in the end, this person was/is nothing, nothing more than a part of and reflection of the sickness and what was broken in him. Once he was ready to truly face what was broken inside himself, true and complete healing truly started for him.

Then this last week his eyes were opened up in a whole different way, when a family member’s words mirrored his during the initial fallout of the A. The words, the lack of being anywhere near rationale…well…it severely hit him. Probably did more than anything either I or our counselor have ever been able to say. I realized that once and for all, he truly “got it”. One evening during all of this we had some time together and he just out of the blue stated “I really was ‘that’ sick, wasn’t I?” I told him yes. I told him that even at the time of our initial MC sessions, as angry as I was, my first thought was still of him. That something was very wrong with his perceptions and rationale when he was answering questions. He is intelligent and rational, and everything he did and said at that time went against that in him. I was worried for him, worried what he may do to himself at that point. He was that far down the rabbit hole that all of his perceptions of his life were so completely skewed. Even at the moments after impact. It was the strong bond that we have had all these years that still had me worried about him at that point. I could not walk away or make any decision until I knew he was at least ok….it was just something I felt I needed to do at that point. No matter if we R or D.

We spoke about brokenness. That we as humans seek like company. It is part of our social makeup, instinct over many millenniums to our species. Our friends are a lot like us if we stop to really think about it. We look to what mirrors us at different times in our lives. He was afraid at the time to discuss any brokenness he was feeling with me, as he perceived it as a sign of weakness and men are not suppose to be weak, they don’t cry, they hold it in, they are suppose to be strong enough to handle it all (FOO issue). So when H was at a ‘broken’ time in his life, well ‘broken’ sought him and together there was brokenness. This was the realization that almost destroyed him once the fog lifted. The veil of it was gone, and he saw in the true light of day what he had done, the nuclear impact, and the full scope and landscape of it all. Impacts that lasted years, and continue in small ways to impact our lives still. It took him a very long to finally realize and accept the fact that he needed to completely address this in a healthy way. He is still to this day so amazed that I did not walk away, that I stayed strapped into the rollercoaster and rode it through with him. (Talk about an e-ticket) Many times he said it probably would have been easier for me if I had walked away, that he would understand and never hold it against me, as what he did was just so unforgivable. But I love this man, I loved our life together, I was not willing to give it all up without a proverbial fight.

Was this road easy? Not by ANY stretch of the imagination. R is some very difficult work. (insert sarcasm). There have been serious ups and downs. Times where missteps were taken by both of us, words misconstrued, trust issues, TT, health scare due to STD, etc…you name it….we went through some difficult things. But guess what??

We are still here.
We are still together.
We still laugh
We still enjoy each other
We are making wonderful future plans
We are happy!!

DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
New Member
Member # 42153
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, May 16th (Friday)

this is my first post on si although i'm very familiar with its husband has been reading and posting for a year and a half and has sent lots of material for me to read via email and text.
more then a year and a half(20 months) ago my husband found out about a five year emotional/physical affair i had been having .at first there was lies and lots of are now both in individual therapy and marraige counciling.
we have learned alot about ourselves and our relationship and i still dig deep within myself to come to grips with what it was about me that made me do what i i almost threw away a marraige of 15years and cause so much trauma to my family.
we now have a better relationship then we ever did and i know with hard work the changes we have both made in our selves(and continue to make)will be so rewarding.
i have four beatiful children that i continue to work on my realationship with as i know they have been devastated by my actions as well.
i thank god everyday for my second chance and pray for the day my husband can find forgivness and peace with us.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: MrsYaka
New Member
Member # 40944
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

My husband and I recently went to a marriage intensive therapy seminar that was a weekend long and I cannot say enough good things about it. We have been doing so much better a year later but this seminar really helped us to move further ahead. We learned great strategies like how to effectively apologize and forgive. I'm so glad there is a form for success stories out here. Everyday we grow closer and closer. We have both changed for the better.

Married 11yrs
Dday sept 26 2013
3 children
Working on R

Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 13894
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

So many stories of inspiration are shared on this thread. I haven't been in to this site in longer than I can remember. Then I heard a song today (In Another's Eye's- Garth Brooks) and it brought back some memories. The one thing that stood out was that I didn't feel pain, hurt or sorrow when it played. It used to spin me into a tornado of emotions. Rather I kinda smiled and thought about how far we've come. I then remembered this site and I honestly think this group of people helped me through some of my darkest moments!

I am sitting here trying to remember exactly how long ago it happened and I think it was 7 yrs ago?? Crazy that I can't remember anymore when I used to know the months,days, hours, ect.

I was fortunate (if you can call it that) in that I had a spouse who was ridden with remorse and wanted nothing more than to not lose our marriage. He was struggling with depression at that time and when he finally sought treatment what he had done in the preceding months surfaced and he came clean to me (I had no clue!). Something that I can now look back on and imagine was incredibly difficult for him to do. I can't imagine the fear and anxiety he must of felt knowing he was going to come out with something that would shatter our world.

Once I found out I realized all the signs were there in front of me down to the cell phone bill I looked at every month itemizing the 100's of texts and phone calls to one another. I never noticed or paid attention.

My husband and I really worked hard at rebuilding our marriage. We had to work through not only the damage done by his cheating but during the 18 months of depression we had grown so far apart and he had become borderline "mean" during that time. He was nothing like the man I had known and loved.

I look back now and I know our marriage is better and stronger. I can honestly say, I don't know if I'd change anything that happened. I am one of those people that believes everything happens for a reason. We had a good marriage before all occurred but the process of healing and rebuilding took our marriage to an entirely new level that I didn't even know it could. I would say we now have a great marriage. We finally learned what communication really meant. We learned it was safe and really open up with each other.

There came a point that I had forgiven him and I think that was around the 18 month- 2 year mark. What I didn't realize a first is that forgiveness didn't mean I trusted him completely again. That part confused me. He was being everything you could ask for and I didn't understand why I still couldn't trust him 100%.

That I found, just took time. I can say today that I do fully trust him. I believe he would never hurt me again. The only thing that bothers me still is that I know he never forgave himself. He never will do that. He has moved well past and doesn't dwell on it. I know him though and I know deep down inside there is still a piece of shame he carries for what he did.

We don't talk about it anymore, there is nothing left to say about it. We are in a different place now. While it's something we'll never forget it's something that doesn't hurt anymore.

For each person new in this "club" I know the pain is intense right now. You don't know if things will ever be the same. The truth is, they won't. You will be a different person who has changed in some way because of going through this. Your relationship will be different too. I can only hope for each of you those changes are all for the better. I believe the changes because of this in me, my husband and our marriage are all for the better. Everything takes time and I think that is the hardest part.

The #1 lesson I learned that I would share is NEVER-EVER throw the infidelity out there in anger just to "stick it to the other person". It was REALLY, REALLY hard at times to bite me tongue. I just made the promise to myself on day 1 of reconciliation that I wouldn't turn everything into a "but you cheated" battle. There would be times to talk about it (and you have to) and the feelings that were occurring. However there also had to be time "away from it". So at the beginning we'd set activities that were just about us and spending time together and not rehashing what occurred. That was very helpful at the start to be able to "take a break" from the pain and even in some ways reality for a moment.

Posts: 716 | Registered: Mar 2007
Member # 32007
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)

It happens, you stop triggering all the time and you start getting on with things. You probably don't ever forget but when you remember it just doesn't hurt anymore. Yes, I know if you are in the thick of it you can't believe this is true but it is. You will stop feeling sick in the mornings. You will be able to watch a love scene in a movie without triggering. You will be able to be friends with people with the same name as the OW or OM. You will trust. You won't want revenge anymore. You can't even be bothered to wish the OW/OM any ill will. You might even pity them a little.

It's been 4 and a half years since D-Day. My life is immeasurably better now compared to what I thought was the ideal life before. We are closer and so much more grown off. And to top it off we have two beautiful children.

May 2014 - haven't needed to log on for over two years now!

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: UK
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)

I love these success stories!

We are in R after my husband's sort of ons. Long story. After 18 months, I thought I'd be 'over it.' So I thought I was abnormal to be taking so long. After all, he is doing everything in his power to earn back my respect and love. He is deeply ashamed and so embarrassed. We haven't shared this with anyone so not having an outlet was making me feel as if I'd explode!

It helps me to hear that people have felt this betrayal and have eventually let it go so they can be happy again. I love my husband but hate where he has put us.

I hear here that time is a healer and love. Without love, I don't know if I could be here :)

Thank you for sharing your successes!

Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2014
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 13th (Friday)

I've been on this site approx. 2 months and today is the first time I've been on this forum. I just didn't know if I was ready to read success stories or not! I believe I was afraid to have HOPE, REAL HOPE, Hope that I could eventually forgive my H, Hope that someday I would be happy and feel "normal" again, there are just so many HOPE's out there! But I am so happy to say that because I read these stories today, for the first time in 8 months, I really do have REAL HOPE that it's all going to be okay! My FWH has been SO good in helping me with recovery and healing, yet my heart has stayed so guarded that I wasn't sure I COULD move on! Today, I'm ready! Thank you all so much for sharing your very personal stories with us! Blessings to ALL on this site!

2 DS:2 D Grandchildren
"Life is a journey, travel with Care "...Me 🙈🙉🙊

Posts: 612 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Never Neverland
Member # 43691
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

Thanks for sharing your positive stories

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2014
Member # 8296
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

I just want to say that reconciliation is incredibly difficult, but I'm optimistic to think we are a success story. You can see from my profile that my first D-day was almost 10 years ago! My second/lesser D-day was 5 years ago.

And it is probably only within the last two years that I would say things are really good again. After the second D-day, my husband went into a lot of very intensive therapy, at his choosing. Therapy in a way that had not occurred the first time. The first D-day we were reactive and bandaid mode - can we/should we save this marriage? By the time we got done with that, I think we were both too emotionally exhausted to do anything else. And that worked..... for a while. Until the old personal issues came up again, and it led to the second incident.

Anyway - I can't sugar coat this.... At ten years, I can still get sad, although very, very rarely. I don't really trigger like I used to, although I went through EMDR therapy to help with that. We can talk about it, refer to it, acknowledge that it happened without crying. But we don't, because we don't need to. We know it happened, and we know that it was a terrible thing.

But..... notice the "we" - We are definitely a "we"

We talk. We're not afraid to get our therapist involved at the slightest hint of something. He still sees her somewhat regularly (which is a good thing!) even though she has "graduated" him. It makes him feel better. We look at our friends and can see where they have weaknesses in their boundaries or in their marriages, and we, as a couple, decide whether to include them in our friend circle, or decide if it is not worth it. We try to keep our circle positive with people working on positive marriages.

But we are most definitely a team. And I think in comparison to a lot of people, we have a pretty good marriage, despite everything we have been through.

For those of you in the six month highs or the two year lows or someplace in between.... It can work, and it can be better than where the relationship is going. It is not easy, on either side and (I can't stress this enough) it takes A LOT OF TIME. I am not one for "forgiveness" on this item - but I am one for acceptance. I can't change what happened, and I can only control how I deal with it. Being angry all the time hurts me, not him. Being sad all the time hurts me, not him.

It is only now, after almost 10 years that I felt comfortable writing this. I'm pretty sure my H would be happy to see it, although I really doubt he comes back here anymore. I know I'm happy to write it.

my husband and I are sole mates. we wear the same size shoes.

Posts: 1314 | Registered: Sep 2005
looking forward
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, July 25th (Friday)

More than 5 years since DDay #2; 27 years from DDay #1.....lived a lie all that time, from 1987 to 2009. My descent into alcoholism (sober 1915 days today), poor communication on both our parts, desperation on both our parts to keep the marriage together but without the truth.
We still struggle, but there are more happy days than bad ones. We both think of the past every day; but I hope this will lessen in time.
On Mother's Day, my H surprised me with a gift.

...and on our 42nd anniversary, we exchanged cards, and enjoyed lunch at our favourite restaurant the next day. This is us back in February at our favourite beach restaurant in Negril, our annual winter two week getaway.

.....and last night I booked our return trip next February.

[This message edited by looking forward at 11:26 PM, July 25th (Friday)]

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2901 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

"Thank you all for sharing, it can feel like losing your mind at so many stages of reconciliation and doubt is so terrifying. "

I read this and it resonated with me. I am 20 months out from DD and got the truth all at once through his own confession. The days where it completely hijacks me and steals my days are getting fewer and fewer. I, too, have days where doubt and indecision about whether I'm doing the right thing seem to grip me but there are many days where I can see a light at the end of this terribly dark tunnel.

Hang in there everyone. Your stories inspire me and I hope to be in complete R someday and be a light for you all reading here.

Keep the inspiring stories coming!!


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2014
New Member
Member # 44666
Happy  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 26th (Tuesday)

We are 20 months into our marriage renewal. It's not always easy, but it is always good. Every time she hurts, it provides an opportunity for me to lovingly put the pieces of her heart back together. IThankfully, God loves a prodigal and my amazing wife loving and graciously accepted me in spite of my betrayal. Some days might be one step forward and two steps back, but we work through it together.

Hang in there folks. Hearts can change. Love and trust can be restored. Like the mythological phoenix, your marriage can emerge from the ashes refreshed and recharged!!

*Please do not solicit your products/blogs.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:44 PM, August 26th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2014
New Member
Member # 44746
Content  Posted: 1:48 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

I have been reading threads on this site for several days, and this forum on reconciliation has been the most helpful and encouraging so far. I am so relieved to hear uplifting stories of people who have made it through the storm with their marriages intact. It is exactly the pick-me-up I've been looking for, seeing these stories and finding HOPE that maybe OUR marriage can survive.

I chose "Looking4myHeart" as a username, because I can honestly say that it felt like my heart was ripped out 2 years ago and I have been walking around like the TinMan aimlessly looking for it.

I won't go into a long-winded account of how our marriage self-destructed two years ago, but to keep it simple, my husband had a covert texting/flirting EA with a waitress at a place he frequently visited on the lunch hour. She pursued him with a vengeance, even after I found the texting evidence and the whole EA came to light.

Then 6 months ago, she stalked me and our daughters on Facebook and a whole lot of other clues came out, including a picture with my husband kissing her on the forehead, and the PA was revealed shortly after. Needless to say, the ugly truth all came out, and like MANY stories I've read here, when the affair is finally scrutinized in the light of day, and the guilt kicks in, the affair isn't all that 'grand' anymore. He ended it…not without some big fireworks when the OW made a huge scene in front of two of our kids, sadly.

Lots of hard, tearful conversations later, my husband and I are working on this and making significant progress. He has been so loving and caring these last couple of months. We are still separated (after him leaving in Oct 2013), but we see each other every day for the sake of our four kids. I will say he has been Wonder Dad since everything happened. He is trying so hard to make up for lost time. He tells me every single night before he leaves that he loves me, and his hugs are so very tender and genuine now. (For years I got an eye-roll and an obligatory hug…so his REAL hugs mean the world to me now.)

I have done sooooo much self-reflection in the last six months, read about a dozen books, went to counseling both with a marriage counselor and my pastor, went to doctor and in humiliating fashion requested STD testing and anti-depressants. Gotta admit, taking care of ME FIRST was extremely good advice. I've now lost 36 pounds and am finally back in the same fitness/weight range as my college years.

I know with faith and patience and lots of TLC and forgiveness, we will eventually have a healthy marriage again. I love my husband beyond words - never did stop or question loving him even at our lowest. It's been the most difficult tragedy we've ever faced (and believe me, we've had several other traumas/deaths that were NOT as hard as this betrayal) but I know with God's help and guidance, we are definitely going to survive.

THANK YOU so much, SI, for being here for all of us betrayed spouses. This website has given me an emotional boost - crucial to my maintaining some kind of optimism. God bless all you other ladies and gentlemen out there who are struggling - DON'T GIVE UP!

"Yet each man kills the thing he loves; by each let this be heard: some do it with a bitter look, some with a flattering word. The coward does it with a kiss; the brave man, with a sword." - Oscar Wilde

Posts: 42 | Registered: Sep 2014
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

Great input CopingGirl and Looking Forward - and congrats on your sobriety too. That is wonderful!

Continued peace and growth and grace to all of you.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3056 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
New Member
Member # 39861
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, September 18th (Thursday)

We are renewing our marriage vows tomorrow, which is our 27th anniversary. We have spent the last 14 months in counseling - both marriage and personal.

It has been a long but fruitful journey with lots of hurts but also lots of joy along the way.

Our relationship is the best its ever been and I personally have grown so much during this time that I can't even begin to describe.

We as a couple are blessed by God, our friends, family, and an incredibly caring group of counselors. I am blessed by the most wonderful woman in the world - my wife - to whom I am completely committed to in all ways for the rest of our lives.

I am a rebuilding man - a work in progress

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Stow
Member # 41146
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, September 28th (Sunday)

We are 1.5years past my full brutal confession. While many feel it is too soon to count as a success story we are our own people on our own timeline. Everyday he is still beside me, loving me, is a success story. Of course not having an affair is a better choice... If you went down that road full confession has an amazing power to it.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, October 6th (Monday)

1 year "Antiversary" and no tears...

I posted this in the Reconciliation general are first, but just realized, it really belongs here.

I was ready....ready for the emotional roller coaster to start up again, ready for the sobbing and the crushing pain, ready for the DDay anniversary devastation I have read SO much about on here. The whole week prior to DDay is really a mine field of mini anniversaries of "DDay precursors" and I was dreading it. I had talked about it with H numerous times, and in MC.

I had some trouble over the summer a few times(affair was late June until DDay Sep 20th)thinking about what was going on last year at that time. We have been working hard at R and I believe we are doing well. I haven't found one thing in the last year to make me think he isn't 100% in it, and he does everything he can to make me feel better.

SO I was really getting nervous, thinking about the date coming up. Weeks ago I started getting anxious. I began telling myself that rather than think about it as a reminder of what happened, I was going to try to use it as a "It's now been a YEAR, on WHOLE YEAR, every day on the calendar, since he was betraying me. After Sep 20th, I could say to myself "THIS time last year, the A was over. Then every day for the rest of time, I can look back and say "this day last year"...and there will be nothing to do with affair.

My H bday is the 17th and we were going to do something that weekend (20th, DDay). He suggested that instead we go visit our daughter at college. She is our youngest, and a freshman out of state. We were missing her, and so we went to visit for the weekend. I worried at first because I though I might be a total mess, and didn't want her to see anything. Then I thought that the 5 hour drive might be a good time for H and I to TALK. (The word "talk" now has 2 meanings at our house. The normal one, and the "you know what I want to talk about talk")

H admitted later that he planned the trip thinking that having something positive to distract me on this day would help, and I guess it did. I didn't even think about it being DDay until I had gotten up, gotten ready, and we were 30 minutes down the road. That probably wouldn't sound like any big deal to someone who has never gone through this, but to me that is monumental. I remember months of wondering if I would ever again be able to wake up and NOT think of the A before I even opened my eyes.

I though about "talking" on the way, but decided I really didn't feel the need so much, and I'd rather not get all upset before I saw my daughter. I did bring it up shortly before we got there, and we talked for about 15 minutes, but nothing major. I just didn't have the desire to delve into it.

So no tears, no sobs, no devastation. A sadness, and a desire to have the day be over. I think part of me felt like I was SUPPOSED to feel awful, and cry and fall apart. That seems to be what usually happens. But I didn't. The day passed. We had a really nice weekend with our daughter. It was non-eventful.


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 43
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 25, DS, 18 DD, 17 (On DDay)
Currently in R

Posts: 192 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
Member # 45208
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)

Since this thread is for positive reconciliation stories, I will leave the negatives for another thread. We have been hyper bonding for a month and this has brought us closer than we have been in years. My SO has also taken stock of all of his unfair treatment of me including his infidelity and has proven that he is on a mission to make it all up to me. He has been pampering and spoiling me. I've had foot massages, breakfast in bed, roses, and so on. He voluntarily gave me access to his call logs and is quick to embrace me when I have a crying spell. He has also cried with me and without me on occasion. Every morning he apologizes to me and tells me he will not give up until he has earned my trust and love again. For the first time in our ten years together, he lets me yell at him and express my anger without shutting me off. Previously he would just go to bed and leave me there with unexpressed anger. Now I get to shout and he listens, faces it with shame and regret.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: hollywood, Florida
Member # 44564
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, November 6th (Thursday)


You said you did EMDR, I am too doing that. I have extreme obsessive thoughts/visuals that just consume my every thought. Did you find it worked for you? I'm on session 7 and i don't find any difference yet. Of course I was hoping for a miracle but there isn't one. I'm constant anxiety medication to keep my calmer cuz these episodes hit so often.
Your story encourages me, I'm only 3 months out & I just feel like I struggle so much. We have good moments but always with anxiety. Some days are still horrible, crying, yelling, telling her I want her to leave. It's awful. I just want to be over the rollercoaster & hurt. I've read 4 books, seeing 2 counselors, taking anti-depressants & anti-anxiety meds, I don't know what else to do. I know i love her but have so much anger & hurt.

Partnered: 11 years
Me(female): 41
Her: 35
Dday: Aug 7, 2014 (one time event in June 2014)
Working on reconciliation.

Facing the most pain I've ever endured but will persevere no matter where that takes me.

Posts: 371 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: PA - Currently La La Land
New Member
Member # 44976
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, November 7th (Friday)


Good to read your post. Like you were, I am approaching DDay next week. Thinking it may be a rough week ahead, but hoping for the best. Our R is going well but I still have my really rough patches. fWH is doing everything in his power to make it up to me, but thoughts and images of 2.5 yr A still kicks me in the gut at times. I hope I can write a post like you - that things went OK, no major breakdowns. I am so willing to let go of the past but I just can't seem to forget. No IC, just reading a lot on the internet and focusing on the good. We have worked on our M and things are going really well. Better than in a long, long time. Like you, I want to get past the thought of, "last year at this time he was....". I hope that this is the case. Fingers crossed....

Healing,in R
Married 36 years, grown children
DD: 11/14/13, PA,TT
DD2: 9/12/14 found out LTPA
Age 58

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2014
Member # 45537
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, November 7th (Friday)

New to the forum and I pray to be posting in this topic ! First MC session today together. He has been once on is own and once in IC.

4 weeks since DD
Please KeepPosting these positive stories , I really need them !

[This message edited by intheblinkofaney at 11:22 AM, November 7th (Friday)]

You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts

Posts: 389 | Registered: Nov 2014
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, November 27th (Thursday)

I know we're not supposed to erase posts, but I do feel uncomfortable that I have a post in this thread.

I am so much happier and more at peace since our separation. I hope for whatever is right and best for healing for everyone.

DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"the castle's under siege, but the sign outside says 'leave me alone.'"

Posts: 877 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 43590
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, December 13th (Saturday)

We are about to close out our second year of R and domestic partnership. Not sure we'll marry again, seems so hollow, but taxes and health care and all...anyway, not sure.

WW and I were talking in bed last night, no sex, but lots of touching and hand holding. Uncharacteristically, she turned to me and told me she is fully aware of how lucky she and her daughter are to have me and how much she is thankful we are in R.

Her AP was a man from her past that has always known which buttons to push to get her loaded and in the sack, but he is gone for good, married to another idiot up north. Now she just has to do the hard work of changing her demeanor and behavior in public. Before the A, I thought nothing of how popular she was, how well-like by both genders, and her long term friendships with both. In light of the A, she can no longer behave like that, and it's hard (we're both heavily tattooed and stared at a lot) for her to lose that "Scarlett and her Suitors" feeling when we are out. Before the A I thought it was cute and funny, since she was going home with me. Now, of course, she can never behave like that again. And she's trying to be more stand offish and cling to her man in public. Her friends have commented on it.

I'll call that a win.

M in 2005
D's in 2008
Me BH 51
She WW 41
1st D Day 5-2-2012
2nd D Day 5-4-2013
Separated 6-2012
Divorced 9-11-2012
5 yo son, 15 yo SD

Posts: 138 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South
Member # 42835
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, December 14th (Sunday)

Yesterday, for reasons I can't comprehend, I went "pain shopping" and it ruined my day. But my WH was strong and stable and supportive. We talked a lot, he didn't get defensive, we both cried, he took full and total responsibility for what he'd done and acknowledged that he could never make it up to me but he would spend his whole life trying.

I felt and feel very grateful for that. It's not easy for him, either, and when he stays in control and expresses his remorse to thoroughly, I feel so much more hope for us.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
New Member
Member # 31621
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, December 17th (Wednesday)

4 Years ago I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I've been working since then to become a better person and show my wonderful wife that she is the center of my universe! I am thankful for everyday I get to be a better person for her and myself.

I love you Jrazz.

[This message edited by CRazz at 11:17 PM, December 17th (Wednesday)]

Me(32): FWH
Jrazz(34): BS
DDay: Dec 17, 2010
Gorgeous, amazing DD3.5
R. Small steps forward is still progress!

Posts: 30 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday)

Not a lot of action in this thread. I wanted to read some positive stories, but have seen all the significant ones here already.

So, I want to add to it. It's tough to identify as a positive story, but I think most of us should be on here.

This week I have been incredibly ill due to a terrible reaction to antibiotics taken for strep throat. I have been vomiting and other unpleasant things while prepping for Christmas with a 3 and 6 year old. It's been rough. When times get tough like this, I find it harder to stay positive. I find myself drifting to thoughts of what my H was doing with another when I was sick like this before, or what it would be like if I was alone as a parent. I feel extremely emotional and seek out comfort.

So, here's my comfort for myself; I'm here, my family is here, we are making it, we are problem solving together, our children are well cared for, loved, and secure. I love and am loved. I say, (to myself mostly) stop questioning the love! Stop comparing, stop wondering if this love is right, what other feelings are possible. Just look at the love that lives in my life. It's beautiful, it's amazing, and it's real. It may not be full of movie-passionate making out while I empty my stomach into the toilet - but who the fuck wants that anyway. Not me.

I want to be with a partner that knows it all. I want to feel my own love expand as I care for my partner when he is unable to, and feel the love burst as we really, I mean REALLY, co-parent our children in an open, honest and tender way. The truth is, that's the love I live in right now, and I am so lucky to have it. So is my partner, so are my babies. My family is amazing, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else on earth, not even as sick as I feel.

Mine is a real life love story. That's my joy today. Merry Christmas.

me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6

Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday)

Thank you to all who share here, it means so much to so many. I wish all of you continued love and happiness.

Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 582 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 45537
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, December 26th (Friday)

I think there are tons more positive recon stories so don't get discouraged eachday.

I read tons on the Reconciliation forum that definitely should be on here too.

I have replied to some telling them that they should post if here also.

I hope this thread continues to grow!

You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts

Posts: 389 | Registered: Nov 2014
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, January 3rd (Saturday)

3 years and 3 months ago, my world came crashing down around me. I found out that my h was not the man I believed him to be. The man that I had been with since I was 19 (30 years) was a masterful liar. He would do anything behind his wife's back. He wanted to appear to me like an honorable man, but he basically was a sham.
I think back to our teaching our kids the importance of honesty in their younger years, well...

I didn't know where to start, he confessed on dd after having a full blown nervous breakdown while I was at work. He was remorseful immediately, I know now that he was so screwed up that he didn't know what he wanted, but he held on that day to me and our m. He was kind and never belittled me in those early days, for this I am grateful. It took about 3 weeks for him to defog and commit to r, mc.

He made a nc call on dd and wrote a letter, that I approved a few days later. Ok, now we could move forward. Not so fast there, apparently we needed to clarify what nc really meant. 18 months after dd, I find the secret email that they had kept up, and he admitted that they talked on the phone sometimes. She lived out of town so the pa didn't continue after dd1. March 2013 to May 2014 was the darkest time for me. I lost all hope, I felt I could never trust again. I shut down but was just too stubborn to quit.

In May of 2014, I was ready to leave, I didn't think that I could do it anymore. He was doing everything that he could do, but I was done.

On our 30th wedding anniversary, I sent him a letter about starting over and letting the past go. He was dubious of my ability and I went ballistic. After all he had put me through, he wasn't willing to give us one last chance! After a very respectable verbal beating, he decided that he was all in to the new proposition and we have been working on our new honest relationship ever since.

I can honestly say that he has become the husband that I have always wanted him to be. He is affectionate and considerate. He actually puts me and our dd's ahead of his own desires on a regular basis. He has learned that affection and connection leads to a better more fulfilling sex life, duh!

He has a long way to go yet, but I appreciate that he never tried to rewrite our marital history and blame me for his indiscretions. I appreciate that he didn't tt me from the beginning. Trust is improving, it will never be as it used to be, of that, I am resigned. But I do believe that we can get to a working level of trust.

We had a good m before dd, I was a good wife, he was a good h in many ways. He has identified his problems and is working to fix them. We have a new granddaughter and see both our dd's regularly.

We are only 1 year and 9 months past dd#2, 7 months into our true R attempt. I feel better with each passing month, it feels good to have some hope back in my life. It feels good to be able to rely on my h again.

I am stronger for this experience, more self reliant and more prepared to go it alone should my h choose to fail me again. When people on SI say you have to be willing to lose your m to save it, it is very true. We both know that staying together is a choice that we have fought our way through hell for and we're deeply grateful to be on the other side.

[This message edited by tl502 at 8:28 AM, January 4th (Sunday)]

Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 556 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: big blue nation
Member # 45088
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, January 5th (Monday)

I had posted something similar in the Reconciliation Forum, but it may be better to post it here. It might help others who have been having issues with what their WS have said concerning the AP. It was also a POSITIVE step that helped in my healing .

"When I would wake up at night and see her laying next to me, I felt like I had won a prize." My WH told me this on July 20, 2014, the day after DDay. We had decided to R, he had sent the NC, the OW's response to his NC quickly got him out of the "fog", and we were talking about his A when he told me about her being a "prize". It hurt so bad to hear him say this, but I kept my cool so that he wouldn't get defensive and stop talking altogether. I wanted to know EVERY detail he could remember, so I just let him keep talking.

About a month or so later, I was talking to my WH about some of the things he said, things that were seared into my memory. One of these was about her being a "prize". My WH was mortified about some of these things because he truly didn't feel that same way anymore. I asked him to tell me how he felt about these statements NOW. So I would repeat what he said and he would continue with how he felt now. When I got to the statement about her being a "prize", it went like this, "When I would wake up at night and see her laying next to me, I felt like I had won a prize, BUT NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, this "prize" that I won was more like an amusement park trinket." He then grabbed me by my shoulders, looked me square in the eyes, and with his eyes brimming with tears he said, "She was an amusement park trinket, but YOU are my treasure."

NOW, when I think about some of the things he said about the OW, I also have statements to remember about how he REALLY feels since the fog has been lifted!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Southeastern United States
Member # 45088
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, January 5th (Monday)

I have to share the text my WH just sent. I posted my story here at 8:57am:

WH: I will cherish you forever as you are my treasure!!

WOW!! He is not on this site and has no idea I just posted this "treasure" story !! Honestly though, he does say this often now, but it was kind of cool that I got this message just 14 minutes after posting the "treasure" story!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Southeastern United States
New Member
Member # 43345
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, January 5th (Monday)

Happy New Year Everyone.

2013 was a harsh year as it was the year my husband made his full disclosure. The anger, hurt, betrayal, and sadness was overwhelming. I was thankful for the women at the CoSA meeting I went to. They were more than helpful. Outbursts of anger towards my husband were inevitable. I went apeshit on him. He dealt with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse from me. I dealt with his betrayal after his disclosure and the horrible fact that I couldn't trust him anymore. It was definitely the worst year of my life.

2014 was the year of healing. It was the year that allowed myself to feel every emotion no matter how good or bad. It was the year that my husband really started taking his recovery seriously by keeping in constant contact with his sponsor, his SAA buddies, and going to meetings, even if the meetings were over the phone. It was the year I was fired from my full time job because I was so emotionally distraught over everything that I kept making stupid mistakes. Despite the fact that I was fired, my employers wanted me to collect unemployment and so they made it so that I was laid off. I also work per-diam for them now under the table. They actually missed me and told me firing me was like firing family. I am thankful for their generosity. 2014 was the year I put all of my concentration on my grad school studies, and finding a site to do my practicum hours as I get closer to becoming a Clinical Mental Health Counselor. I still went to my CoSA meetings when I could, but kept in touch with my CoSA girls via email and text because they are the most amazing women I know. 2014 was the year I let myself heal because I needed to. I wanted to let go of all of the hate and resentment I felt towards my husband's actions. I wanted to do that. It has definitely been a work in progress.

2015 is my year of reconciliation. It is the year for more healing and the year I forgive myself. Through forgiving myself I can forgive my husband because I love him very much and I know for a fact that he loves me because of his actions. Since his disclosure he has worked very hard for his recovery. He has done it for himself, which is more appreciated than you can ever know because it means he wasn't pressured by me. It means he knew that he needed help. It means he knew that he was powerless in regards to his addiction. He knew that. Honesty has been something that we both keep up no matter how painful it is. He isn't perfect, neither am I. So 2015 is the year of reconciliation for me. Forgiving myself.

Live in acceptance and Power.

My doormat card expired the day of his disclosure...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Posts: 41 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 44827
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, January 19th (Monday)

I just wanted to post a positive story on here, we still have a long road ahead but I have hope. I guess it's not so much a story but just how I feel about my relationship and my wife right now.

My wife has done everything right since our final DDay, she has read multiple books, she lets me vent, she answers my questions with brutal honesty (I only use the word brutal to convey that she is honest even though it is difficult for me to handle the truth sometimes, she doesn't tell little white lies to make it seem not so bad, and I appreciate this from her). She has made good on her promise of NC. She has made me feel like I am the centre of her world. She has shown me so much love and kindness and I believe she is truly remorseful. Right now I feel I have the wife and relationship I have always wanted and I could not ask for anything more. I know that this has been a very difficult process for her and I know that she has had to look inside herself and it has been difficult for her to see the pain she caused but I know she is committed to R with me and I know she is where she wants to be.

Me: SURVIVOR of Infidelity (BS)
Both: Working hard at R and having some success

You Are The Result of 3.8 Billion Years of Evolutionary Success... Act Like It.

Posts: 410 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: Cincinnati, Ohio
Member # 41886
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, January 31st (Saturday)

It has been 13 months since my Dday. It has taken this long for me to post here and consider our story a positive one to share. I still feel all the emotions on a daily basis and I thank God, my son and my job for keeping me sane and out of jail. I have read posts on here throughout when I felt alone in my grief. I followed the advice on this site and took our relationship on a day to day basis not putting any pressure on myself to make a decision. It helped alleviate some of the anxiety and made me feel in control.

My fwh has been going with me to mc since the week after dday. It has been an experience to say the least. This hell ride has made him a better father and husband. He used to have very little patience with anything that wasn't about him. Now he is gentle, present, and giving. It hasn't been smooth sailing throughout but I think this ship will float. He is a different and better person that is putting forth the work and effort. His focus is on our happiness and what I need. I hope it continues.

I want to thank the brave, giving people on SI especially those people who made me laugh through the tears. To the people who newly find themselves amongst us in this crappy club, this isn't a life sentence. I wish you happiness no matter what you decide but please know that if the wayward do what they are obligated to do, you can find yourself in a good place. Now I need my margarita!

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Member # 45088
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, February 6th (Friday)

Last week I was changing the sheets on our bed. I realized that the sheets I had picked out to put on the bed had not been on our bed since before my FWH left to go overseas. I thought to myself that the last time we lay on these sheets...I had a faithful husband .

I then started thinking more on this. My FWH had joined Tagged a few months BEFORE he left to go overseas where he had his A. I had to take care of some family business and was gone from our house for about 3 weeks. It was during this time that he started looking for No Strings Attached sex with strangers. He checked out CraigsList...but wanted to try and hook up with "regular" women. He liked the challenge of seeing if he could get someone to agree to have sex with a stranger...not just someone looking to have sex with a stranger.

I grew even more sad thinking about how my FWH was already looking for NSA sex...fantasizing about this with strangers...yet I was ignorant about it the whole time. Then it dawned on FWH IS faithful...NOW . I was living in a false world in the past. Although my world has been changed is now a more realistic world...a more true world. I only THOUGHT my FWH was faithful before...I KNOW it now .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Southeastern United States
Member # 10027
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday)

Yesterday was my 10 year D-Day date. Yikes!

Incredibly uneventful, but even so, it was on my mind. I think I'll always remember the details of my D-Day, and its anniversary. My wife didn’t mention anything about it. She may have remembered, but chose not to say anything. She’s put all of this behind her long ago, and we haven’t spoken of the affairs for many years now. At ten years out, I'm OK with that.

I don’t follow SI any more these days. I haven’t posted in years. But this site helped me tremendously in the first few years, and I’m forever grateful to the participants that stick around to provide their help and wisdom. So, I’m just trying to give back a little here.

A few years ago, on my year seven D-Day date, I posted some comments about my years of SI wisdom. I got lots of positive responses, and I think it’s helpful for SI folks to know that it’s possible to emerge from this. So I updated them and reposted below. Apologies for the length.

Ten Year Thoughts…

If you’re reading this, then I’m sorry that you’re here on SI. I never wanted to, or thought I’d ever, be here either.

Conventional wisdom often says that it takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair. You can put me on the 5 year end of that spectrum - actually even longer. Affairs were a marriage deal-breaker for me, and it's taken me a very long time to try and get my head around the fact that our marriage could continue in the face of this. Not a single day has gone by when I haven't thought about my wife's affairs. I really hate that, but I’ve gotten used to it. Affair reminders are everywhere and mostly unavoidable – tv shows, music, politics. But the “sting” isn’t strong at all, now that our joint effort (and lots of time) has helped to heal things.

Anyhow, I thought I'd share a few thoughts, based on my ten years of accumulated "wisdom". Nothing too detailed or thought-provoking, but perhaps something here may help someone who is early on in this journey. This is my experience - Your mileage will vary.

After learning of my wife's affairs, here are some things that I/we did wrong:
- I didn't find the SI website until 9 months after D-Day. If you got here right away, you're better off already. Use it.
- I should have written more – journaling or whatever. Writing is cathartic, even if you don't do anything with the end product. I was too dumbstruck to even know where to start. If nothing else, consider doing more writing on SI.
- I waited nearly a year before asking her to write No-Contact letters. I thought NC would be more or less implied after she admitted to the affairs. Our recovery was much messier and harder than necessary because I waited. Don’t wait.
- My wife thought she could remain friends with her last AP - they worked together, even after the affairs became known. I should have made this a deal-breaker, but I was too confused to take a strong stand. Take a stand and make it clear.
- I should have contacted her first AP's wife. He kept chatting up my wife afterwards for over a year, and I could have used some outside assistance. I know that this is an often debated point, but it would have helped me.

To balance things out, here are some of the things that I/we did right:
- I had my wife's cell phone # changed right away. I checked her call log and text messages, and even email. There’s no shame in this, given what’s happened. Transparency is key. Eventually, you’ll stop checking up.
- We both read the "After the Affair" and "Not Just Friends" books and discussed them together. Awkward, but necessary.
- I got individual counseling for about 6 months. I needed a safe place to vent.
- I insisted that my wife get individual counseling. I felt it was important that she understand why this had happened. Once she did this, I asked her to write down what she had learned about herself. I still have her note.
- We spent a ton of time talking about what happened, for a long time. It was done mostly calmly and rationally (neither of us are high-drama people). Make sure that you listen.
- I promised myself that I wouldn't make any stay/go decision for at least a year. I realized that I needed time to get past the confusion, doubts, etc.
- We entrusted my MIL for help. I knew she would be firm, but not harshly judgmental toward my wife. I really needed her help to get my wife out of the initial "fog".
- We kept the damage contained. Our two kids (who were teenagers at the time) still do not know. Only my MIL and our Pastor know. This was very challenging though.
- Keep busy, focus on doing whatever it is that takes your mind off the affair. You’ll be thinking about it way too much, and your mind will need a break.
- I took care of myself physically. Continued to exercise daily and eat well. I wasn't sleeping too well for a couple of years, but I kept to a steady routine, and that helped me keep focused. I even learned yoga – try it!

Finally, here are some parting thoughts, for how to make it to ten years of R without losing your sanity:
- Make your marriage a priority in your lives. Keep a united front against anyone/anything that would have you do otherwise. Look together in the same direction.
- What happened wasn’t your fault. As a BS, you have a role in fixing the problem, but you didn’t cause the infidelity. Remember this.
- You’re now in a club that you didn’t want to join. It wasn’t your choice. But you’ll have to somehow learn to accept that. Bad things will happen in our lives. This one really sucks.
- You might end up doing more “heavy lifting” during the R period than you expected. It’s unfair, but be prepared.
- Happiness is within your grasp. You will have to define it.
- Control is an illusion. You can't control what someone else thinks, feels, or does. But you can control your own thoughts and actions, and how you react to that person.
- Remorse is essential. I don't know how you can reconcile without a remorseful partner. Personally, I wouldn’t even try.
- Take the high road. It's easy to "beat up" your partner about what happened for a long, long time. Try not to. It will become destructive.
- Forgiveness is very hard. I've tried to do it in stages. I don't think I'll ever get to full forgiveness, but I'm at peace with that. Don’t think of forgiveness as an all-or-nothing. Also, think of forgiveness as a gift that you give yourself.
- You'll never look at your WS the same way as before the affairs. Unfortunate, but true. Try instead to focus on the positives, like what made you come together in the first place. Choose to forgive your WS all over again, every day, if that’s what it takes. I see her differently now, but my wife is still my one and only love and my best friend.
- Life is short – love fearlessly and forgive gracefully.
- It takes time. Lots of time. Be patient. Take it one day at a time. You can’t rush things. All those cliches – they’re all true here.
- You'll begin to heal when you make the transition from victim to survivor. Be a survivor!
- Good luck!

Me: BS 52; She: FWS 53
Married: 30 years (HS sweethearts)
Children: D 27, S 25, 1 dog
D-Week: 03/01/2005 - 03/08/2005
2 PAs and 2 EAs 04/2003 - 03/2005
R'd but it took a long time

Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2006
New Member
Member # 45990
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, March 4th (Wednesday)

It has been 1 yr and 29 days since the A.

Many questions loom in my mind about if I will forgive and be able to trust someday? Will I stop worrying he is cheating and stop checking on him even though it seems he has been faithfull now? When will I be over this or will I even get over this? How long is too long to hold on to this?
When will I be able to be happy in a momment and not worry that trouble lurks around the corner?

I am sure these are all questions that some of you have thought of too.

Your stories help me to believe reconciliation can really happen and your marriage can turn out better! Sometimes on my bad days when I am really low and wondering if I was crazy to stay with him, I can think of these stories. So thank you all! I really needed some positive outlooks.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2014
looking forward
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, March 15th (Sunday)

We are less than one month away from 6 years post DDay. We still struggle, especially my H.

Holding on tighter.....

It takes time. Lots of time. Be patient. Take it one day at a time. You can’t rush things.

[This message edited by looking forward at 3:42 PM, March 15th (Sunday)]

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2901 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Member # 44827
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, March 16th (Monday)

Looking Forward, I love your message and I love the picture. Thanks for posting this part of your story.

I wanted to share something that happened today. We were heading up north for a ski vacation with the kids, so many stressful moments on a 5 hour trek with the kids crammed in a Jeep, we could have taken my wife's larger SUV with better gas mileage, more room for everyone and just an all around more comfortable drive but my wife know I love driving it so she endulges me.

Anyways like I said tons of opportunities for stressful "yell at the kids" moments but we handled any obstacles calmly and as a team which was so nice. Nothing special really, the way we should have been with each other for years but it was nice. There was a moment where we were holding hands and she rubbed my hand with her finger, likely just moving to be more comfortable but when she did I felt a spark, the spark I used to feel when we just starting out dating. The spark you feel when you are falling in love, what a great feeling.

I just realized I should have shared this with her also, to late to wake her up but I will tell her in the morning.

The A sucked, it was so painful but now that we are in R I have my real authentic wife and I am so happy.

Me: SURVIVOR of Infidelity (BS)
Both: Working hard at R and having some success

You Are The Result of 3.8 Billion Years of Evolutionary Success... Act Like It.

Posts: 410 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: Cincinnati, Ohio
New Member
Member # 45018
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, March 23rd (Monday)

Wow it has been 7 months and I never thought we would find ourselves in a good place again let alone this soon. His affair was 40 years long spanning 3 marriages (inc ours). I was devastated. We have been to both couples and singles counseling, had a large wedding for our child and lost his mother since that August day. Through all of this we have become closer than we were before. The councilors feel that the issue for him is much deeper than sex and goes back to his early years. While this is not an excuse it gives us some hope of a real behavior change. We have a very long way to go, but when this first happened I think I would have died, had I not found this forum. Just know there must be others out there that are suffering from a VERY LONG term affair and want you to know there is hope!

Me: mid 50's
WH: late 60's
EMA: 17 years
DDAY: 8/12/14
LTA: 40 years

Posts: 9 | Registered: Sep 2014
Member # 45088
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, March 26th (Thursday)

Ooooo...some NICE stories since I visited last...and a cool picture too! Thanks for sharing...I wish more people would share their positive stories in this thread...but there are MANY I've seen in the forum that have given me hope !!

My FWH and I have made some GREAT strides in R... and my mantra is..."I will OWN this A" . For ME...this is a way to heal. I have mentioned it many times on this site and my FWH is well aware of it too!

On March FWH texted me and insisted that I meet him at a particular restaurant for lunch. I was pretty busy that morning and would have liked to have done other things instead...but it was so important for HIM that I meet him at this I went along with his wishes.

It isn't much of a restaurant...a little hole in the wall place actually. It is only open a few hours for lunch and on Friday evenings...but it is a place we had talked about going to and yet had never managed to make it happen before because of the unusual hours it was open. For some reason FWH HAD to go on this day.

I arrived first and was seated when my FWH walked in. He was beaming from ear to ear ...something was up!! After the waitress took our order my FWH grabbed my hands in his and whispered, "You OWN the 25th"!! I looked at him puzzled...and told him I already OWNED this day because 4 months earlier I was gifted with a very special necklace from him. Even though the 25th was a trigger for me...I had this special gift to make it a happy thought too. Soon after...I realized the SIGNIFICANCE in THIS restaurant...and when my FWH saw the reaction...he KNEW he helped me to really OWN this day!!

10 months earlier...on May 25th...while he was FWH took the OW to a specialty restaurant. It was a restaurant that WE had planned to go to...but I had to leave that country earlier than expected due to family obligations back in the states. They had spent their first night together on the 24th of May...and were going out to eat breakfast. This restaurant was the first one they saw that was open. At the time I was very happy to know my FWH had been able to go to this particular restaurant. He had taken pictures of the inside...and told me about what the waitress had mentioned about it. He gave so many details it was like I was there...except of course...he left one detail out . After DDay...when I found out he wasn't alone at this restaurant...the pain was horrible . It was something THEY shared...a NEW experience...and it was on the 25th. It is just one of the things that I have to accept. It happened...we can't change it...and I could either deal with it...or wallow in it. I chose to OWN it...and I still have a lovely reminder of the 25th still hanging around my neck .

However...NOW...I have a NEW specialty restaurant experience that WE share on the 25th. THIS particular restaurant is even more special...because my beloved Mama raved about it when she ate there a couple of times. She passed away over 20 years ago...and I always thought about how nice it would be to eat at this place...where she enjoyed being . Not only that...but I also have the knowledge that my FWH thought about the significance and wanted ME to OWN it . My FWH is actually planning a very memorable vacation for US during these horrible trigger days that will be coming up in just two months...and these particular days have been on his mind a lot recently. I don't know what the plans are...but I know we won't be in this town during the 25th...and it is very thoughtful of my FWH to have me OWN this date in this way!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Southeastern United States
Topic Posts: 174