User Topic: Positive Reconciliation Stories
SI Staff
Member # 10
Happy  Posted: 10:50 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

This thread is for is ONLY FOR POSITIVE stories.

No venting.
No OP talk.

Strictly reconciling progress between couples. Share your stories as you heal.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Member # 34023
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

We are growing stronger together with every day that passes. We look forward to being together in a way that we have not felt in many years. On most days, we both know in our hearts that we are going to make it. I love my husband.

BS - Me, 34
WS - Husband, 41
Married 5 years, together an eternity.
DDay - 9/13/11

"Well I've been had, yeah I guess that's how it looks. And it's not funny like on TV, and it's not smart like it is in books."

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Ohio
Member # 1030
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

Reposting this in here because it's a good one!

From December 18th, 2011

I triggered this morning.
First time in a long, long while. (9 years since dday)

I've been going through some pretty cruddy personal medical issues and that has me down and on top of it something happened this morning and I triggered hard.

My H called me from work and he could tell something was wrong so I told him and then I told him I was hanging up and he needed to get back to work.

I hung up and he called me back.
I told him I didn't want to talk and he needed to work. He has a wonderful job and I don't want there to be any issue with his work performance just because I was having a hissy fit.

He said, "I am calling you back in one minute and you need to answer."

He left his job and walked outside and called me from his cellphone and said "Now, we are talking this out right now and do you need me to come home?"

I told him no and that I knew logically that everything was okay.
He said this wasn't about logic it was about emotions and he wanted me to be okay.

I again expressed concern about his job and he told me
"This job is fine but it isn't more important to me than you. You come first. I can get another job, I can't get another wife. I am staying on this phone with you until I know you are okay."

And he did.

He told me over and over again that he was sorry. That he hated that he put me in this situation.
That he would do whatever it took to help me through this.
That nothing else mattered to him but my wellbeing and happiness.
That whatever I needed was mine.

And on and on for 10 minutes.
He just talked and talked and talked while I came down from my emotional whack.

He didn't once express frustration with me.
He didn't for a single second say that he was needed at work.
He didn't get angry, defensive, huffy.
He didn't say "I thought we were over this by now".

He did everything right.

And that is what remorse is.

And that is what reconciliation is.

And that is why I stay and why I love him.

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

Hmmm..... 7 years and happier than ever. Closer than we've ever been and obviously more in love than ever.

A lot of them aren't around any more but I give tons of credit to the SI WS's who held my hand and helped me understand.

ETA: it's not really a 'story' as I couldn't really think of just one.

[This message edited by Lucky at 11:02 PM, January 5th (Thursday)]

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

This is an old one- from 2004, just months after dday:

When my H was a boy, he injured his knee climbing over a fence. It was a long, deep cut that bled a great deal and required a lot of stitches to close. Over time it healed, but there is a long, gnarled scar to mark the place of that wound.

We were talking about our progress in reconciling, and I again expressed my sorrow for having hurt him. He took my hand, and placed it on the scar on his knee and said, "This didn't hurt forever. We'll be okay."

Even after 8 years it still humbles me that he could have that kind of compassion for my pain in spite of his. Yes, the scar will always be there, but the infection is gone- the wound is healed and we ARE ok.

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23510 | Registered: May 2004
Member # 29877
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

Happy to post a positive story. We are 16 months from D-Day. I cannot tell you it has been easy. I cannot tell you it hasn't been a roller coaster ride from hell, BUT, I will tell you that our marriage is much better than before. Don't get me wrong, I wish the affair had not happened...that goes without saying. But my FWH truly realizes how close he came to losing me and is very, very appreciative that I gave him the gift of reconciliation. He truly has done everything he can to make me feel comfortable again...and I am getting there. All days are not perfect by any means, but there are way more good days than bad. He is set on renewing our vows on our anniversary this year in Kauai, where we were married...and I am ready. God bless each and every one of you lovely people. I wish you all the best.

Vanity Working on a Weak Mind Produces Every Kind of Mischief...Jane Austin

D-Day - September 3, 2010, 5:30 am
Currently in reconciliation and happy.

Married 22 years, together 23

Posts: 416 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

Wbf checked out of the relationship and when he couldn't cope, he turned to online gaming. THat's where he met OW#1 and all his little groupies whom he had him in the mornings to wake him up for work (I don't live with him, btw)

Today he texted me saying he had a serious question and a friend of his wanted him to join World of Warcraft which I've heard to be a rather addicting game. I learned today from tsol25 that some guilds have time commitments. Anyways Wbf and I talked about this and I said I know he has changed and I felt that he would know if the game was not something he could handle and I thought he should go for it if he wanted to. We both agreed he has changed and we both think he can handle it but if either of us thinks it's not working he'll stop.

My point is, more than a year out from Dday, wbf asks me my opinion on things (not asking permission, just my opinion) and gaming may not be a big deal to most people but it was a huge part of the A and actually it's never triggered me because I felt it was *him* not the gaming that created the environment for his first A.

I am so happy that he is open and honest with me; he expresses regularly that he's happy I've stayed with him and how happy he is with me; he plans little dates for us since my love language is quality time and I try to plan little massages for him when I do get to see him at either of our homes.

I feel so happy and I trust my gut (#1 thing I learned in IC) that everything is as he says. I know people have said to look out for the "terible 2's" where you feel anger and other stuff in the 2nd year but wbf and I talked about how sometimes reading stories can set up a self-fulfilling prophecy so we agreed we wouldn't go by anyone else's timelines, only take it one day at a time as we have been and just be honest and appreciative of each other

BGF (me)- 27
FWBF (him)- 27

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,

<3 DS always

Posts: 992 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
Member # 23060
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, January 6th (Friday)

In May of 2010, we took a weekend trip to the lake for our anniversary.

The morning of our anniversary, I suggested we go for a walk along the lake. I spotted a bench, and suggested we sit & rest. I pulled a piece of paper out of my pocket that I had written a speech. I first asked him to remove his wedding ring. A look of horror crossed his face, I think he thought the worst. He refused to remove it, but I did it for him. Then I asked him to throw it in the lake. Reluctantly, he did so. I told him that along with the ring, he threw away all the terrible memories associated with his infidelities. I then pulled out a brand new shiny ring, and told him it was a symbol of our new beginning, a restart of our marriage which had been interrupted for 4 years. We both had tears in our eyes, and hugged each other for a very long time. That was a real turning point for us.

Me - BS 64
Him - FWS 63
M 32 yrs, together 34 yrs.
2 adult offspring
D-Day: 8-2-06, TT for 6 weeks
15 random sexual encounters over 4 years.

Posts: 894 | Registered: Feb 2009
Lead Guide/Moderator/Liaison
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, January 6th (Friday)

Is a positive work in progress story eligible for this thread?

We have our good days and our bad days, but our bad days aren't nearly as bad, and they are fewer and farther between.

I feel like with our situation, as with many others out here, we are defying the odds.

I'm proud of that.

I have a genuinely remorseful FWW who has worked hard to make many positive changes in herself. And, man... I am so in love with her, mentally, physically and emotionally.

I am at a point now where I honestly have more hope for our future as a married couple than I did pre D-Days.

Things are going good.

I'm ecstatic about the open communication that my wife and I have now. We can talk about anything openly and in depth.

I would say our status at this point is: successfully reconciling.

I'm proud of our happy little team of Losfer, Amerasia and DS7.

Thanks, SI. You've helped us a lot.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 12:41 AM, January 6th (Friday)]

Posts: 29586 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, January 6th (Friday)

My H and I are reaching new ground in our M. It almost feels like reconciliation isn't the right word for what we are doing.

When we got married, we were both completely messed up individuals who made a completely messed up M. We had no healthy coping or relationship skills at all. When I got sober 3 years ago, as I got healthier, I longed for the kind of M I had never experienced but thought was possible. My H was not ready for anything like that. It was so hard to see him clearly during those years, when I could see the man he had the potential to be while actually he was something much less.

The past 4 months have been like something from a dream. He is becoming open with his feelings and his thoughts. He tells me every single day that he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life. He is making good financial decisions. He is becoming the leader in our home that I have wanted him to be. I enjoy being around him and I miss him when he goes to work. We are both making changes to work schedules to allow us more time to spend together.

Our M is nothing like it was prior to the A. It is a new creation, built on new ground that has been properly prepared for a foundation.

Me, 50. (How did THAT happen??)
Him, 42 (JMSSC)
married 20 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 3881 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Member # 1030
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, January 6th (Friday)

Love reading these happy stories!

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
Member # 34055
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, January 6th (Friday)

Thank you for starting this thread.

I need to read these positive stories. They give me hope for the future on my roller coaster ride. I am just 4 months from DDay.

We love each other, are in MC and he is in IC. He is committed to making this marriage work and doing all the right things. Which other than the A, he was doing before. That's what hurts so much.

I want to believe that my M will be stronger and more deeply connected than before.

There is a thread where you have to just say one word on the way you are feeling. My word is renewal. Renewal of hope, happiness, and love.

I look forward to more "success" stories!

Posts: 1429 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, January 6th (Friday)

I never imagined we'd be one of the "Truly R'd" folks, but here we are! Nearly everything that could go wrong during R, went wrong, including a long false R. Many would have predicted our M, perhaps even that I, wouldn't get through this. But we did! Sure, there are times it gets scary, hard, tiring, etc., but that's a fraction of our entire life; a life that is rich, full, loving, rewarding, honest... One of the more touching and meaningful things my FWH regularly says to me now is not just, "I love you," but he looks me straight in the eyes and says, "I really love you, Lostworld...I mean I really and truly love you with everything I am." And, I believe it.

Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married Over 30 years w/ grown kids
Dday 1: 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 869 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, January 6th (Friday)

I am not sure if this is meant to tell your whole story, or a part of the whole.

This story is a big sad and pathetic and funny, but also hopeful.

Around the time of our one year antiversary, I was really struggling. The ANGER phase was in full force and I was just not doing well. My fWH and I were having a "conversation" via text (which was against our rules) where I was listing in fine order his failures and shortcomings during the affair, and before, and likely after, and how I was not sure WTF I was doing.

At the time, I'd been taking walks during my lunch hour wit a cowworker. In the midst of this fight, I realized that I was a) getting out of control and b) exercise would likely do me good. So I sent him a text which said, "I am going to walk," and then left with my coworker.

Fast forward one hour. I get back to the office and there are 3 phone messages from my spouse, 2 voice mails on my work phone, and about 6 on my cell along with text messages.

I called him wondering WTF was going on. When he picked up, he burst out crying. He was home. He had left work, driven home an hour, called his boss and said he wasn't sure he was coming back. Why? Because when I said, "I am going to walk" he thought I meant OUT OF THE MARRIAGE.

I drove home to see him there, honestly, half laughing at what a dumb ass he was. But when I saw his face, and how utterly distraught and distroyed and terrified he was, from that moment on, I really KNEW he was all in. And that maybe, if he was that in, maybe I could be too.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 7991 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, January 6th (Friday)

Oh, I posted the below on the 'is your marriage better now" thread, thinking that was the positive reconciliation thread DS referred to, so here reposting (although maybe slightly out of context):

DH likes himself now, that has been a fundamental shift. Otherwise, whilst we started rebuilding from the foundations, the rebuild was to the previous model, only adapting to allow for a few more windows, and some sacred, adult only private space, only tinkering around the edges therefore because it is fundamentally a very strong, warm and loving house, full of laughter.

And I posted the below on my antiversary in December, which I hope is read as positive, which was its intention:

Three years ago on this day of December, my husband had been so down and unusually depressed that despite having much crap in my life (also having held the reins of the household alone during his many absences that autumn), I offered to do the huge work of his tax return to help him with his stress.
He was so abashed by my evident love, care and concern he blurted out about the five month affair he had ended two weeks previously.

I am - ahem - professionally quite calm in a crisis. I told him I abhorred his need to pass the burden of his guilt and the responsibility of his actions and resulting mess to me and just before Happy Family Christmas. Asked her name, was horrified that I knew her professionally, that I had even published her work, and remembered she was young, single, and very attractive.

I didn’t ask for any details, refused all further conversation, and spent all night researching the male menopause on the internet. Went to work the next day and wrote a cracking grant application. Was shocked and amazed by the burning pain in my heart. Head clear, body stupified. Sent him an email asking for details of all other women. Got one name, dates were dubious, I corrected that fact by email.

Spent the rest of the week out in the evenings. Asked for all passwords at the end of the week. His parents arrived for Christmas. In between pretending to eat, I spent late nights on his email and discovered a teenage Lothario’s correspondences conducted in bored moments at work. Decided to respond to it as a wake-up call to get myself higher up my list.

Started taking late night walks in total darkness in the countryside to train myself to not be afraid of the unknown and to trust and rely on my senses. One night found myself at the sea, and thought the water looked very inviting and wanted to walk out and be swallowed by its embrace. It was seductive, so seductive…. but the image was ruptured by Edie rising to the surface, irrepressible, enjoying breath and life, she is anyway an incredibly good swimmer. And I remembered my children. I sat for a long time looking at the sea, and did some deep breathing to tap deep into my grief, and finally the tears, body-wrenching sobs, came. For hours. Extraordinary entity, the body.

Went to work overseas, still couldn’t sleep or eat a thing, first panic attack and ended up in hospital. Came home eventually and spent the next rollercoaster year piecing together, through sleuthing, disclosure, TT, and much discussion the new narrative of my twenty-four years with WH. Always swimming against waves and underwater currents, trying to recognise which period of my life they came from, from childhood, other, or future. Began carrying a water pistol as a way of dealing with triggers, so many, assailed from all sides, constant. It was, has been, quite a swim, and despite my great fear of drowning, I needed to look on it as an adventure.

But you know, my narratives have not in fact changed. Everything had been genuine and authentic. My perceptions of WH as a whole, good person had always been accurate. I had even known the puer eternus in H really well, but now I was only interested in a whole man not puer eternus. That bit was up to him. If he wanted to be that man. My perceptions of myself had been accurate too.

And now I really do trust myself.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5853 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Member # 33687
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, January 6th (Friday)

5 months post d-day and I feel like he is really, really starting to get it. He is working on the timeline without talking about how hard it is for him, he is remorseful, he has changed counselors b/c he felt his old one wasn't helping him!

I told him today that if I could freeze how I feel today and where we are at right now that I would be a happy woman. I know the roller-coaster will dip again, but I am so enjoying today!

Me-BS-44, Him-WH-45-very remorseful
OW-Married, opportunistic co-worker whore
DD#1 7-30-2011: everything else lies until 2-12-12
Married 11years, DS19y, DS15y
2.5 years out: in a good place, light at the end of the tunnel

Posts: 1646 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Illinois
Member # 27887
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, January 6th (Friday)

This was from today, btw mods awesome idea about putting this sticky note up!!

I had to take they day off because I went for my yearly physical. Kids are gone to grandmas and preschool. Quiet morning....ahhhh breathed in and out and enjoyed the silence for a bit than got ready.

I then went to the docs and got that out of the way and was done about noon. I texted my fws to see if he wanted to grab lunch together. He said sure and off I went to meet him.

He got there before me and had my drink already for me. When I got to the table he got up gave me a kiss and we sat. The best part was that he was truly excited to see me. He was smiling ear to ear like I haven't seen in years. And me I was giddy as a teenager. Butterflies in the belly having a crush giddy I tell ya.

We even held hands at the table. It was like we were 16 all over again!!!

We were so happy just to be able to have this time together as that we rearly get the chance as that we work on complete different sides of the city.

I saw the love in his eyes for me. And me, I am still so completely in love with my husband.

I hope that those that saw us didn't think we were the ones having the affair the way we were acting. The pure joy in both of us was just brimming out of us.

Now this is how to start off a weekend!!!

Tomorrow we are going to MC for probably the last time. It's kind of bittersweet for me. I really like the guy and he helped us tremendously. You could tell that he was rooting for us.

My SI peeps that need a positive post you go.

IASS(my fws) and I are a success story. The stories are out there!!!

ETA:My phone sucks so bad that I had to fire up the computer to get all the typos

WS-Him 37 (2 PA's)IamsosorryHB1993 (IASS)
BS-Me 37
Married 12yrs, together 22yrs. HS Sweethearts & Onlies
DD 6yrs
DS 4yrs
Getting Better

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: OH
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, January 7th (Saturday)

Today was a very good day. I have realized just how far we have come.

FWH and I were cleaning the house, we were listening to a retro rock station and a series of very bad 80s songs came on. we were laughing and singing with our kiddos. FWH was vacuuming the rugs and then started to roll up the big one so it would get filled with pine needles when we took the tree down.

The DDs started sitting on the rug while he was rolling it up and I thought he was going to lose it with them. When he was in A mode he had very little patience for the DDs when he was trying to get housework done so he could go out and play. but today, I saw this small grin on his face and him struggle to keep a straight face with the girls. As well as the girls absolute comfort in pushing his buttons.

At that moment I realized how much he enjoys being with us. And how different he really is.

Me: BW Him: who cares
Divorced: 4/2015
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
Who knows how many affairs at this point
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.

Posts: 4722 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Member # 33947
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, January 9th (Monday)

So WH and I were sitting in the living room. I was on my computer (SI, of course) and he was watching TV. I laughed at something someone wrote (we Si'ers are hysterial sometimes) and he asked what was funny.

I hesitated for a minute and then told him I was laughing at something posted on SI that was directed towards another WH. I told him I thought that mght make him uncomfortable so I wouldn't tell him if he didn't want me to. He said okay and went back to watching TV.

Two minutes later, he tapped me on the leg and said "I changed my mind." I said "About what?"

He said - I don't care if it makes me uncomfortable, you should be able to tell me anything you want. And if it's helping you get through this mess I caused, I'm 100% behind it.

It was just so nice, since I know how uncomfortable he is discussing the A and the choices he made.

We aren't that far out, but that was a nice positive moment!

Me - BS, 36
Him - WH, 36
Married - 11 years
DS - 4
D-Day - September 2011
In process of R.

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CT
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, January 12th (Thursday)

DDay was in August of '05 and much has happened since then; some good / some not so good. But through these years there always remained a constant ... and that is we knew our marriage would survive ... and it has.

In my life I've battled many things; cancer, strokes, depression, the death of loved ones, etc ... and without question the infidelity that penetrated this family was the bloodiest battle of all. But it is a battle I (we) won.

If you and your S want to win this battle, you can too. Be patient, be deliberate, be strong and remain hopeful.

~ sportsfan

Posts: 2132 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, January 12th (Thursday)

My SAH and I are just 3 months into R. Yesterday he passed his second polygraph test with our MC/CSAT. MC session was a 6 hour therapy intensive to check the progress of his recovery and our R. SAH has another poly-g in 3 months and is attending 2 meetings/week, IC and MC.

WH has been SA for most his life including 21 yrs of marriage, so for him to not A/O for this long is huge. I felt relieved and encouraged. I have also been giving my full attention to my own healing.

We still have lots of recovery/healing to do. This morning after one of his SAA telephone meetings, he came to me to share that he feels that he needs to walk in the spirit of humility. Then he shared what he thought that meant in our R. I have never heard him come up with something on his own like that...and then share it excitedly.

6 months ago, SAH would have never shared an insight with me. I am encouraged. ccg

Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 246 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 34055
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 12th (Thursday)

Feeling positive and hopeful today so I wanted to share.

I asked myself this question today. Do I feel better than I did a month ago? The answer is yes, not all the time, but yes.

I think my anger is starting to lessen in it's severity. I am NOT going to let it consume me anymore. It is not good for me or for rebuilding.


I am convinced that his infidelity had nothing to do with me or the quality of our marriage. As hard as that is a concept to grasp it happens all the time. He has reaffirmed this to me and in MC. Opportunity, ego stroking, thrill, stressful stepdaughter, midlife crisis, etc. Whatever vulnerabilities that could be factored in, he is owning up to the fact that there is no excuse for the devastation and pain he has caused regardless of how he felt that he didn't allow his "secret" life to interfere with his family life.

He kept some of his feelings in and didn't talk to me. I never thought we had any reason to talk about "feelings" I thought things were good. Obviously they weren't for him. So now he/we talk more. This whole thing has been cathartic and life changing for both of us.

Having a good marriage before all of this is a double edged sword. Unbelievable devastation and sadness, like a death. But also since we had so much love together we have a real good base to rebuild on.

WFH came from lunch today . He told me he will never forget what he did and what it has done. He will never hold anything back or in again. He thanks me over and over for the 2nd chance I have given our marriage that he says he doesn't deserve. He told me he loves me more than he ever thought possible and that his heart aches when he isn't with me and for the pain that he has caused. He is proactive with remorse, transparency and IC.

Do I forgive him? That's a hard one, especially after only 4 months. Thinking about it is a step in the right direction but I think for me it will be like all of a sudden I realize one day that I am "there". I love him but not the way I did before. Before he was my best friend/soul mate. I think that the forgiving and intense love I had will work hand in hand.

Nothing is a guarantee but for better or worse I am going to give it my all because I think we are worth it.

Posts: 1429 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 31228
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, January 16th (Monday)

Today (Jan 16) is the one-year anniversary of the day I discovered my wife was involved in a full-blown LTPA. I have been dreading this day for the past couple of months, but thankfully it's been just an anti-climax. Things are not back to the way they were before, and I know they probably never will be. But I can see that things are slowly moving in the right direction. I have made up my mind that the best way to mark this anniversary is to make love tonight. It feels like a good way to say F U to the affair and all the pain. I guess my message to everyone is to keep slogging away and don't abandon hope that tomorrow will be better.

Married 30 yrs
1st D-Day Jan 2006 EA
2nd D-Day 1-16-2011 LTPA
It gets better.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Minnesota
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, January 17th (Tuesday)

I hope we're allowed to post more than once here.

I am so happy.

My H is simply amazing me with his absolute willingness to own his stuff and fix what was broken. He has faced unspeakable horror from his past. He has gone to IC and done his homework. He is active in our church and sings in the choir that I direct. Not because he likes to sing so much as he just wants to be with me.

He is willing to have the hard conversations. So willing that I am really losing the need to have them so much. He asked me today if I was still having what we call "fits of the crazies". And when I thought about it, I really can't remember the last time. We talked about the A...what he thinks was his "why". He talked about how much his behavior disgusts him, how deeply sorry he is that he hurt me and our kids.

When I look at him now, for the most part, he is happy. When we are together we are downright giddy at times, and people around us are getting sick of us. "Get a room!" is a common phrase I hear. He looks ten years younger than he did one year ago.

TMI ALERT!!! Not sure if it's still HB or just a very healthy, enjoyable sex life but we are more active than when we were newlyweds. And I pointed out to him yesterday that his equipment has not failed one single time since September. Honesty is a powerful aphrodisiac, apparently.

There is no way that I could have made it through this and considered R without SI. Before I found this site, I felt that to require transparency with phones, email, etc, was being a nanny and I didn't want that. You helped me to understand why it was so important. Now every time I look at his phone and see, "Holly Holly Holly Holly Holly Holly Holly Holly Holly" etc, etc, etc... it sends my trust-o-meter to 11.

Thanks, SI. Thank you to those who asked me the hard questions, encouraged me when I needed it, 2X4'ed me when I needed that.

Me, 50. (How did THAT happen??)
Him, 42 (JMSSC)
married 20 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 3881 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Member # 32569
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, January 20th (Friday)

It has been recited in infidelity books and all over this forum that it takes 2 to 5 years to get through the trauma of an affair. Twelve months ago was the 5th year anniversary of DDay and I was just as hurt and angry as on DDay itself. I thought to myself that time was up and I had to move on with my life without FWW. I separated for a few months during the year and now on the 6th anniversary of DDay, I can honestly feel that the gut-wrenching trauma is beginning to lighten up.

The main ingredients to my R have been sincere remorse by FWW and my ability to reclaim by dignity and self-esteem.

FWW texts or emails me several times each day to tell me she understands my pain, that she is sorry and that she is grateful that I have not given up on her. As for me, I got into the best shape of my life, eat a healthy diet and continue to be the best father that I can be to my kids.

For the first time in 6 years I believe that the M can survive… to believe that the pain may actually dissipate.

Me: 48
WW: 48
Married 18 years
Two wonderful daughters 17 and 13
D-Day: Feb 6, 2006

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: anavgdud2
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, January 20th (Friday)

Today my wife and I celebrated the 34th anniversary of our first date.

During the date, after dinner and a movie, we took a romantic stroll along the beach where we met someone selling individual carnations. He had 3 colors, white, pink, and red, so I bought her one of each color. Every year since then, I have tried to get her carnations in an arrangement of white, pink, and red.

I love my wife very much and I am so thankful she is still in my life. I am happy to say we have successfully reconciled and I have no regrets.

Here is a picture of the arrangement I gave her today to remember our special day 34 years ago...

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 7:45 PM, January 20th (Friday)]

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 33 years, Reconciled

Posts: 6010 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 25107
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, January 22nd (Sunday)

My story is about as bad as it gets.

My WH had a long term affair with a coworker and moved out to be with her. It lasted a few weeks and he looked for R. I discovered after a while that he was still in contact with her and went NC for a few months.

We were over as far as I was concerned. I filed and we were close to a settlement.

He hit rockbottom.Noone would talk to him. Even his family were disgusted with him.

He did it himself. Went totally NC, into counselling and just asked that we meet sometimes. I was so hurt all of our meetings were really difficult. We talked for hundreds of hours.

We restarted dating and after 8 months moved back in together. We are now a year back together and things have never been better. He contacts me all the time, goes to no work functions and is thoughtful and loving.

I am so glad I took this leap of faith. I have changed so much myself.

Good luck to all you out there. The first 2 years were awful to be honest (DDay Spring 2009) but I don't trigger nearly as much.

The real need is a remorseful spouse who realises the hurt they have caused and a willingness to do what it takes.

Limiting the time for A conversations was also important .

Be gentle with each other.

everybody hurts.....

[This message edited by willthiseverend at 11:33 AM, January 22nd (Sunday)]

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

Posts: 454 | Registered: Aug 2009
Member # 33634
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, January 24th (Tuesday)

Ok, so I usually post here venting or asking questions. I love that the SI moderators have kept this thread at the top of the forum. THANK YOU! I can’t believe I am actually posting a positive perspective!!!

A lot of these are from “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From and Affair.” There are 15 things the WS needs to do. My H is doing all of them and then some…

· Gets the wrongness of his behavior
· Gets the depth of my pain
· Told the complete truth upon discovery. No, he didn’t tell me, nor was he going to – I busted them at the height of the A. Complete disclosure of timeline and how and when he got together with MOW once I asked.
· Instant shame and remorse. Only a little defensive on and after d-day. Not defensive at all about my questions now.
· Complete NC with MOW.
· Tells no more lies. Obviously, as far as I know… he checks in all the time and snaps photos on his phone to show me where he is.
· Accepts full responsibility for his actions.
· Exhibits patience with my recovery. He actually listens and comforts me now. Pre-A, if I showed pain or emotion of any kind, he just shut down. “If I ignore it, it will go away” was the attitude. I can’t believe this is this is the same man, who now actually cares about how I feel.
· Tries to understand my pain.
· More sorry for my pain than his own guilt
· Growing in his ability to show since empathy and offer heartfelt apologies.
· Sensitive to my extreme distrust and doing everything he can to rebuild it.
· Respects my sensitivities and “triggers.”
· Proactive with checking in on my emotional status.
· Recognizes negative impact on the children and makes amends.
· Committed to lifelong personal recovery and transparency.
· Willing to negotiate his leisure activities and time away from the family. This is HUGE! I always “let” him go hang out with friends, coworkers, etc. I was trying to be the “good wife” who gave up her career to be home with the kids. I “let” him go do things that made him happy, even though I was unhappy.

D-day 9/25/11. He is moving back in tomorrow 1/25/12 – exactly four months from D-day. His EA/PA lasted 4 months, so our reconnection and positive experiences are about to tip the scales. I think I will note this, and file it away. I want to be done with marking each month on the 25th. I want it to become irrelevant to me.

When we were discussing him returning home, I told him that I was scared that we would fall into old patterns, and this caring individual that has been present for me (since around Thanksgiving) would be gone. He said that he does not feel like he is “off the hook” if he comes home. He said that he would work every day for the rest of our lives to show me that I am the most important person in his life.

I look back at those days so close to D-day and wonder how I got through them. SI was my lifeline. I truly think you all saved my life, and I am so grateful. With your help and finding it somewhere inside me, I am stronger than I thought. I hope this post, and more to come from me, will help those that are new to this horrible, horrible situation realize that there is hope. It does get better with time and you will manage to get through it. Somehow, I have made it this far. Now that we’ll be under the same roof again, “real” R can begin. Wish me luck!


Me - BW (40)
Him - FWH (43) (he has earned the "capital" F)
D-Day - Sept 2011
Us: Working concurrently on ourselves and R

Posts: 391 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, January 26th (Thursday)

About 3 or 4 months after dday, when I was really starting to understand how badly I'd hurt my H, music was my refuge. It really helped me express and feel stuff I needed to feel. There's a song by John Hiatt called "Come Home To You" and we played that song a lot- this part is especially meaningful to us:

There's a meanness inside and it shivers my bones
That's the thing about mercy I guess
There's no man so wicked he cannot come home
Nor so good he passes each test

As the fire of memories burn me
The grace of your love returns me
To this most traveled of highways
Where I'd do anything just to come home to you
I would do anything just to come home to you


When H and I would chat on IM, that was something I'd say to him, "I'd do anything just to come home to you."

We don't talk about the A anymore- we really are healed from it. Tonight, we were chatting on IM as he was wrapping up stuff at work and getting ready to leave. He sent me this message: "I'm getting ready to come home to you. What's for dinner? Love you."

It may seem like a small thing- but those few words kind of sum it all up- it's a reminder of what I did, how we healed, how he forgave and how things are normal for us now. He's an amazing man and I am just so grateful and humbled that he wants to come home to me.

[This message edited by Fallen at 10:44 PM, January 26th (Thursday)]

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23510 | Registered: May 2004
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, January 28th (Saturday)

This is basically a rewritting of my profile plus some added new material :)

I can't believe it's been 10 years. I found out she was having affairs online and maybe for real - I couldn't find out because of how stupid I was*. She was really careful and stopped everything she was doing so I did not get to know for sure if this was really everything. She kept saying this was it but I caught her in lies after lies so I obviously didn't trust her anymore.

I thought deep down that I would end up doing what she done to me just as a form of revenge. I never did it. During my worse moments I actually thought about trying it out and went online but I just could not do it. I am really glad I did not do anything like that. But I only use instant messaging nowadays for work and for the occasional family buy milk discussion.

I was able to crack down on all forms of communication and as far as I know nothing has happened since then. I told her if I found anything else we were history and I found nothing so far. We did not have kids at the time.

A lot has happened since then. First the good news: we have two beautiful children (a girl in 2002 and a boy in 2004) and she has never done it again - as far as I know - but I am pretty sure since I have a lot of control in what she does. Our life is as good as it could be.

The bad news is actually what happened to me for a while. I had become extremely cynical and numb to life. With the exception of my kids whom I always loved dearly everything else didn't bring me too much happiness or sadness. It is really strange. I was in a point that the only reason I would care if she did it again would be because of our kids but not because of our 'love' – I actually did not care anymore. I didn't believe in love anymore and I didn't think I would ever love someone like I did (you know in an innocent soul mate-crap way :). I trust no one and I think humanity sucks :)

I didn't commemorate my birthdays or our wedding anniversaries. I still bought flowers on valentines though it always felt like I was just going through the motions. Even if I ended up divorcing in the future (not likely now) I felt that I would never trust anyone the way I trusted her.

In 2009 I realized that now I was the one with the problem and then I started counseling again. It's been too much time and it's not fair to us (or to our family), not fair to me. I wanted to live life and be happy again. I managed to heal, forgive her and we are now the perfect couple. As happy as ever. We wouldn't be able to make it if (1) she hadn't stopped or if (2) she wasn't remorseful. Luckily she did everything right.

How did we do it?

We don't hide anything from each other. We know all our e-mail passwords and we both agreed to have a permanent software to record what we did online in case we need it still. We still have the agreement though in truth we do not have it installed for years now. But we still ask the other one to check our e-mail and look for something when on the road. We both have full control of our cell phone list and credit cards and bank accounts. Our life is transparent for both of us. Although she could still do it (or I for any reason) the price would be too high – our kids.

In 2010/2011 I had several breakthroughs and I finally forgave myself for being such a fool. She used to find this amusing - i.e. that I managed to forgive me but not her yet at that time. Later, I finally managed to forgive her and we are finally past the affairs.

How did I forgive her?

It took years. But I realized what was bothering me: she was still blameshifting, even if a little. She was still minimizing. I used to call that her "I'm-not-Hitler defense". There was always someone that did something worse than what she did. So I called her on that. She loved someone else for 6 months, she can't deny that. She can't say it wasn't real love. She can't say it was a fantasy. It was real, she did it, she would have to own it. I also had a lot of help from SI when I was in this stage, writing my forgiveness letter, etc.

So I offered forgiveness but IF AND ONLY IF she stopped blameshifting and she stopped minimizing. She accepted the conditions. Still, forgiveness is a process you have to do it every day, but it gets easier every day. She also sometimes back pedaled and so did I, but we soon set things straight and we were able to move on.

What I have learned and what are my values/beliefs now:

- Don't sell yourself short. If your SO has an affair and you still want to R demand unconditional surrender: full remorse, no "I'm sorry but"s and full accountability. She must be by your side and supporting your decisions. Fuck the OMs. If you don't value yourself nobody will. 180 is your weapon of choice. It can lead to divorce but you'll have to live with yourself forever and that's the best way to do it.

- For me, there will never be a "fence". If you are on the fence you have already decided. I'll move on. If you are not NC, if you are still doing and hiding things that's it. This is not R and you have to do a full 180 in the direction of divorce until there is proof this is not happening again.

- I can snoop her whenever and however I want. I won't feel guilty about this. I felt a little guilt at the beginning. Not anymore.

- She was my first and only. I only had sex with her (online or otherwise). I don't feel the need to go and try someone else. Don't get me wrong, I love sex. I believe I am (at least now) an "alpha" male and I had opportunities during all these years. I just don't think it is worth it. She is and always will be enough for me. We have a great sex life, several times a week and sometimes twice a day. I will never hurt someone like I have been hurt, especially someone I love. When I die, I'll have in my grave "always faithful" :)

- There are no second chances. I am not a forgiving man and it was very hard for me to forgive her in the first place. But no matter what happens I will always love our years together and I will always respect and treat her right because of our kids. I won't jeopardize both our relationships with our kids even if she has a new affair. In my view kids always come first. I wouldn't stay married though that's for sure.

- We have our daily time together. Every night we spend at least one hour with each other - hugging, snuggling. It's the best time of the day.

- Tell each other your feelings. Don't hide whatever you feel. Be specific in how something hurts you. You must solve every little issue if you want to get better. Do it again and again if necessary. Some things take way longer than others.

Do I still hate the OMs?

It's been more than a decade. Of course I still hate them and always will.

Anything else?

Well, it's 2012 and it doesn't hurt anymore. IT DOESN'T! WOOHOO! I'm so happy!!

[This message edited by nuance at 6:49 PM, January 28th (Saturday)]

Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1373 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, January 31st (Tuesday)

Small happy part that just happened an hour ago.

My H brought up renewing our vows. Well, mainly his. I have to say I was surprised, I have not really put much thought into rings and vows, figuring it would come up way down the road some. When we said our vows the first time, we wrote our own and then took turns saying them, like a conversation at the altar. It was pretty cool. Then we exchanged rings that were engraved with a sappy love quote in a foreign language. only then did we find out which ring was purchased for each other.
Anyways, today I dug out the notebook they were in, he looked at them and got real quiet. He broke them all and told me that he needs to make new ones. He wants to do this at the beach. We do agree that we love our rings but I think they should be polished up to look new again. I think he might do this. The fact he brought it up and was adamant that I should hear him make new vows blew my mind!

I think its the small things that make the biggest jump down the road sometimes.

At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.

Posts: 763 | Registered: Feb 2011
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, February 2nd (Thursday)

I would say even though the triggers still come and go, we are mostly healed from the A itself. The aftermath is still lingering around some, but not much, and my H has done everything right and I am working on myseld. I feel we are reaching a positive side of R now.

Everytime we hit a mile marker in comparison to the A, I feel like I have regained so much. The A was 2 1/2 years so it wont be until Dec 5th 2012 until we reach that 2 1/2 year mark for it being over, however, I have regained so much in this time and look forward to getting to that mark.

BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, February 3rd (Friday)

New Attitude:
It was inspiring to read your post. I am 6 months from D day and things are still so raw emotionally for me but getting better by the day. My H also sounds like the first month he dropped work and came home many, many times because I was a wreck. He had a 4 month long EA that consisted of daily contact through e-mails, text, phone etc. We have always had a super strong relationship...married 30 years. He continues to be super supportive and has given me access to everything. My only hope is that I am not still having any triggers 9 years out. I am very anxious for this all to pass. Any advice on helping the bad hours or days diminish? I know everyone says "time" but I am a very impatient person. Thanks.

Me - BS 57
H - WS 60/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 31, 28, 25
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 612 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Member # 30260
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, February 3rd (Friday)

Dday was November 2010. I went through what we all do. We are currently almost 15 months out. My FWW did everything a model WS should do. She went NC on dday, she changed her phone number, gave up all passwords, booked immediate counseling, ordered books, answered questions, etc. There was some significant TT four months from dday. From there I scheduled a polygraph and it was the closest I was to ending it. Her redeeming quality though was that she did confess it on her own. After this TT my gut quieted down, and I guess I think that's when real R started.

Since we have had our share of rollercoaster moments. FWW quit her job on dday, we walked from our house and moved, sold the car, had a baby, had some family fallout, etc. We have had our very tense moments, and moments of connection that were never there even pre A. My FWW vowed from dday to spend the rest of her life proving herself, making it right, and most importantly to find out through counseling and self exploration why she did what she did, why she needed the validation.

Around December I told my FWW that I forgave her. This was after reading a few books on forgiveness, my continued IC, my spiritual searching (a major part of it) and her continued accountability for her actions. Even today she continues sharing with me her insights, she carries a deep burden of remorse which is completely authentic. We talk not so much about the A itself, but the new M we have. She picks up triggers i may have and holds my hand, gives me a look of total empathy and understanding.

There are still triggers, Although they usually pass quickly, they don't hurt as much, the A isn't my first thought in the morning anymore, nor my last at night. We still fight sometimes, we aren't perfect, but I know I love her, and what she has done over the last 15 months has shown the most authentic love from a person I have ever known.

I am taking proactive steps at healing myself, and making sure I become wiser and more compassionate from the pain I was burdoned with. I refuse to become bitter and let this defeat me. I am going to go back to school this April in a field I am passionate about. I have removed bitter, angry people from my life, and am currently trying to nurture those connections with positive people. I firmly believe that happiness comes from within. The world will always be unjust, people will always hurt you. All you can do is be as strong and fortified as a person you can be. Surround yourself with people who support you. You have to love yourself to love others.

We are not all the way reconciled yet, but we aren't too far away from it. We are both still in IC. I would say that our M was flawed very badly from the beginning. While it wasn't a horrible M, it wasn't a healthy one either. We have broken down the old house to its foundation and have started over. We work hard, and there are setbacks, but we love each other, we love our children, and we will make it.

[This message edited by thundersdad78 at 3:37 PM, February 5th (Sunday)]

"Happiness depends upon ourselves." - Aristotle

Posts: 1139 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: thundersdad78
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, February 6th (Monday)

My FWH had a LTA, 1 1/2 years with a co-worker back in 05-06. I found out in 09 and was devastated, like so many others here on this site. My FWH TT about the extent and the details for about six months and if learning about the affair itself wasn't bad enough, the TT pulvarized me. It felt like the knife just kept twisting and twisting.
These things combined sent me into a mental and physical downward spiral to the point of losing so much weight (size 4 hanging off my 5'7" is not good)insomnia, panic attacks, shaking continuously, obsession about the OW and affair, sluthing 24/7. I just didn't have a moment of mental peace where I wasn't thinkinking about "it".

I would describe it as mortal hell.

Right away my FWH wanted to stay together and committed himself to doing everyting in his power to make it right. After realizing that TT had caused me so much more damage, he came clean with all the details and the new complete information put me back to square one.

He has been very, very good to me. He is and has been transparent, said and done all the right things, read books went to MC and told me repeatedly that he wasn't going to let me push him away.

Even with that effort this mountain of details and betrayal just seemed to be too hard to climb and I found myself at times just wishing I had bailed. It was too much.

Don't get me wrong, I tried everything I knew to try too. Showed lots of love and dedication, spending time, talking, reconnecting..everything. But that feeling way down in the pit of my stomach, the "am I doing the right thing", the "God, is this what I want? and the "I will never get over this" laid there like a rock.

My FWH threw himself into being a better husband and dad, became very involved with my daughter and her interests and really just stepped up and took a lot off my plate and I just kept taking it one day at a time praying this feeling of still wanting out would leave permenantly.

Which brings me to this weekend which is about 2 years and 9 months out from D-Day.

I walked into my DD15 room to put some clean laundery on her bed and as I turned around I noticed her computer screen had a picture of her and my FWH on it, and it was a post of her Facebook page.

The caption underneath read..

"Anyone can be a father but it takes a very special person to be a step dad <3".

Yep, he's her step-dad. We've been together since she was two.

I looked at all the replies from her friends, their picture, their smiles and I thought...

I stood there alone in her room thinking no one has any idea what it took for this moment to come to pass but me. And I couldn't possibly be happier knowing that all the hard work has paid off in a way that makes my DD feel fulfilled, loved and important to her dad and it came wrapped in the pretty package of him earning my respect back. She, we, are reaping the reward of having a happy and stable homelife. And the feeling of accomplishment replaced the doubt, just like that.

Today I've been thinking that something so tragic, so awful, so damn HARD and so challenging didn't beat me.

I made this happen, and it benefitted my child in such a positive way.

You know, us BS, our self esteem takes such a detramental hit. And it may sound cliche to say this but I'm so proud that I no longer put value on my sex appeal, my looks, or spend my days worrying about if "she" was better in bed than me. It's natural to think such things but along with healing comes knowledge. The deep down in your gut knowledge that comes from truly knowing that this didn't destroy me but brought a true appreciation of who "I" am.

And I'm proud of me.

SI has just been a blessing every single day to me since 5/19/09 when I discovered this site. I love the people here and the special friendships I've made along the way. To have a network of hurting people reach past their own pain to help me through a day, many nights, and scary times has made me believe in humanity again. Thank you SI.

Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
the past is gone
Member # 28813
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, February 10th (Friday)

Re-posting because I want to share this great story of reconciliation.

A great sigh of relief, as I approach the two year mark. I'm happy because all the research shows that the average years it takes to heal ranges from two years to five years. I remember being shocked when I learned this during the honeymoon phase of our reconciliation, thinking we were already past the pain and moving on. As time unfolded I wasn't so shocked. The ups and downs were tumultuous, the pain of acceptance a hard pill to swallow, the tortured thoughts of her and him and the betryal unrelenting, but the rewards of holding on to myself and growing were worth the torture.

I was a lucky one. My husband and I reconciled immediately after his one year affair with a co- worker. We hardly knew each other when their affair ended, he even assured me that our marriage was dead. But it wasn't.

I went into recovery mode the moment he revealed the affair. Before I even stopped to evaluate my injuries I was performing CPR on the marriage. Adrenaline kicked in and I had to fight to save the life of the marriage. It was only months later that I finally learned of the pain I had suffered, saving us was all I cared about in the beginning.

We talked, really talked. I learned who he was after 24 years of taking each other for granted. I learned his needs, and he learned mine. We became emotionally intimate, something we had lacking in our marriage, something I never thought we could achieve, but we did.

I was willing to change and so was he and that is what saved our marriage. That is crucial. I was willing to look at how i could be more compassionate and closer to my husband. I learned who he was, deep inside, which was a way I had never seen him before. Our marriage needed to change and our intimacy emotionally needed to become ore mature as our lives grew.

My husband came to terms with what he had done to our marriage by betraying me and he understood that turning to an affair was not the answer to solving our marital issues. Eventually he took the blame once he understood how the affair happened and his remorse was profound and healing for both of us.

I went to therapy and read every single book on infidelity (every single one!). I left my ego at the door and discovered what he needed and what I could give, he did the same for me. we committed to the change that had to happen in order for us to stay married.

It wasn't easy to get to the place we are now. Their was pain, sadness, loss, and fear, but we have come out so much better as people and as a couple. He is my best friend now. We spend more time together because we enjoy each others company not just because we live under the same roof. When I am having a bad day at work or the kids drive me crazy I don't take it out on him, instead I go to him for comfort, and he readily gives it. We respect each other and our marriage and love how our lives have changed. The marriage comes first always.

Sadly the affair happened. Happily we are blissfully in love now. Do I take it for granted? No, never. Am I still sad at times? Shocked? Changed? Even angry at times? Yes.

The two year anniversary doesn't erase the fact of the affair, betrayal, pain, sadness and loss but it does say that I am a survivor, him too, that we are human and flawed, and that we saved our marriage from certain death and are now continuing this journey together hand in hand.

Me: 50, bs
Him: 50, ws
M: 25 yrs, two kids in 20's
DD: 2/13/10

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: It's hot here
Member # 31383
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, February 12th (Sunday)

This weekend past was our first Antiversary. To say I have been absolutely dreading it would be an understatement.

In my mind the whole early part of February has been something I have been dreading because our anniversary is on the 5th and last year we were not good.

So fast track to the last week. Yes there were some rollercoaster moments of sadness and some anger at the situation but all in all it was good.

WH has made an enormous effort over the past twelve months. There have been MANY tears and recriminations and I am sure there will be more. However 12 months out we really are good.

We have re-evaluated our life together. WH has taken full responsibility. I have made efforts to listen more.

Even with occasional trigger we are good. Yesterday morning WH asked "well are we past the antiversary yet?". I said yes because really the dreaded weekend had been anticlimatic. I didn't have the triggers and devastating sadness I was expecting.

He then pulled out a beautiful ring with a card of apology and said I should look at the ring every day as a reminder of how much he loves me and how sorry is for the pain.

He didn't have to do that. I didn't need it but I find myself sitting here at work and looking at it and feeling thankful that we have gotten through the first year.

I love him more than ever and while I know I will still get angry at him I also know our M will last.

Thank god and thank you to the SI'ers stories that have helped me over the last 12 months.

Me BS 49
Him WS 55
Married 13 years together 14
D Day 13 Feb 11
R going well despite the odd setback. Starting to believe we will make it.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Australia
Member # 33536
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, February 14th (Tuesday)

March 10th will mark 3 years out from D-day. How many ups and downs have there been? Honestly, I have lost count.

Choosing to stay together was positive. Working through our son's cancer together was positive. Going to counseling was positive. Her next to me at my brother's funeral was positive.

In the end it was all worth it. When going to a MC she looked at us both and stated that we had been through alot together and decided to stay together. She also mentioned how some of her clients had seperated for lessor reasons. Sometimes it takes a third party to remind you what you've been through.

As you move through the A you start to realize that the pain is yours and unique to yourself, so is the healing. When you take the strength from survivng and combine it with the resolution of staying together you can get a very positive reconciliation story.

live long and prosper

Posts: 137 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: michigan
Member # 13894
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, February 19th (Sunday)

Wow, first time I've visited this site in going on 2 years. It was my saving grace though for the first year. I honestly think this community played a huge role in helping me through that first year.
I came here tonight because we
are days away from the 5 year mark of our antiversary. I wouldn't call it a "trigger" but come this time of year----I remember. I was really thinking tonight about where we were then versus where we are now. It's like 2 different marriages.

In those first days, months and year I'd come here and read stories of couples that were a few years out. I'd read them with the hope that someday I'd be one of those people. Their stories would get me through some of my darker moments.

I wanted to share my story to maybe help someone else.

We had been married 8 years, and it had been in a bad place for going on a year. Only I didn't realize just how bad. My husband upped and confessed one day to me, and I was blind-sided. I had no clue and I most likely would of never found out. He had developed a close friendship with a women he knew through work. Eventually that relationship turned physical.

He says he couldn't live with the guilt and wanted to repair our marriage on all levels. However, he felt he couldn't do that without being 100% honest. I do need to add in that the OW lived a thousand miles away. My husband traveled there for work weekly and met her there. It definitely helped our reconciliation process that he took a new job that kept him in our local area immediately as well. Him being gone so much was one of the things that was hurting our marriage.

I was so raw with pain. I couldn't concentrate at work. I couldn't get the OW out of my mind. I was borderline obsessed with her. She was in my thoughts almost every second of every day at first. I scoured the internet for her, and eventually found a way to send her an email. Ironically she apologized a million times over and said she felt just as guilty as him. She was very much in love with my husband but immediately and silently went away when my husband had gone NC with her. He had done this about 2 weeks before he confessed. I would almost believe his initial reaction was to end it and hope I never found out. He says the thought crossed his mind, but as each day passed he couldn't live with the guilt.

That first year was a roller coaster ride to say the least. The smallest things would trigger me. I'd cry at anything. I quit my job because I couldn't concentrate and felt overwhelmed. I'd cry anytime my husband and I were intimate. I sunk so low that I bought a bottle of vodka one day (just a few weeks out) and sat in a parking lot near my house and downed quite a bit of it. I am not a drinker, maybe once or twice a year at best, but I felt so much pain and my head was so cloudy. I felt so alone and so much distrust in the entire world. I felt like I didn't even know myself anymore. Anyhow, that was the last "stupid" thing I did to try and cope. I found this forum the next day.

My husband became an open book from day 1. He gave complete access to his cell, email, ect. He accounted for any time we were apart for the first year in detail. In all honesty he didn't really push the envelope and try to do anything that would make me wonder.

In time I started to trust him again and forgive him. There was a turning point about 18 months in that I knew he had let himself down as much as he had let me down.

Being 5 years out, I cannot tell you the last time I felt pain, anger, or cried over his infidelity. A "trigger" now will make me remember but it moves on fairly quickly and we have come to a place that we can just process through without those feelings taking over. My marriage today is better than it ever was. Our communication is entirely different, it's positive and productive. I love my husband and I know he's a good man. I make sure he knows this too.

He is still open with things like his cell phone and email. He no longer accounts for every minute of every day. He doesn't need to. Mind you, he would if I asked him. However, I can honestly say that I trust him again. That took the longest, but I think I realized that about 2-3 years ago.

On d-day I made myself a promise that I'd never-EVER throw his infidelity in his face during a disagreement. To this day, I never have. I think that went a long way. After the initial year passed I also stopped bringing it up randomly. It was just too exhausting and kept that emotional roller coaster in overdrive. Rather I decided to set aside time, as needed, to discuss my feelings, concerns, and new questions with my husband. I think this helped him heal, which was important too. He could stop living on egg shells, so to speak.

I think realizing that we both had pain from his infidelity was something that took me awhile to "get". I was angry and it didn't seem fair that I needed to account for him hurting too. However, he truly felt terrible for the pain he caused and he needed to heal from that too. Once we both started to heal together, I think things really began to change.

For those that are just starting the reconciliation process there are moments that it will seem easier to give up. However, if both partners are committed 110% everything will be better in time. It's hard work, but I have been at a point for quite some time that I say strongly it was worth it.

[This message edited by Kilee at 1:14 AM, February 19th (Sunday)]

Posts: 719 | Registered: Mar 2007
Member # 34915
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, March 1st (Thursday)

It's been 8 months since the day we have grown stronger I had a conversation with my H today ,he never stops to reassure me about his love .one thing that touched me deeply was him saying : I love you and will always love you I want you and no one else and I wish if I owned a time machine so I can erase that night I was stupid and I will never be . And I will spend the rest of my life proving myself to you .At last I feel that am back to normal I am taking my leap of faith and putting everything behind me life is too short to spend it miserable and scared ,I have open my heart back to love and dreams of a very happy ending .

Him: 53
OW: a monster that I called friend before
D-Day:June 20,2011

You made a fool out of me and she made a fool out of you

Posts: 149 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, April 1st (Sunday)

Married my college sweetheart. We had what I thought was a "normal" loving relationship. We fought, sometimes loudly, but I never thought it was anything outside the norm.

Somewhere along the way we both let things drift and our marriage got worse. I think we both knew it, but we never talked about it. She wasn't happy and I was withdrawing but I never said to her "we need help" and she never said it to me. We both failed there. We still had good times, but there was too much of an element of people living separate lives together.

One day I came home and she was gone. Empty closet and a note on the bed. Devastating.

She said she had to take care of her. We met at a mall that night so she would feel "safe" and talked. She was unyielding.

A month later she filed. Two months after that we were divorced. During all of this I asked one time if there was someone else and she said no.

She made plans to move home to Florida from Dallas and pursue becoming a nurse. We did "collaborative divorce". I was kind and giving.

Off she went. From the day she left me . . . which is the first time I knew we had a real problem . . . to the divorce was three months. About six weeks later she had left the state.

In the six months before she left me she had lost a job, moved her dad into a nursing home over disagreement from her sister, become an empty nester with our youngest leaving for college and seen that youngest flounder as he got into trouble with partying etc , , ,

In January of 2010 she was still unemployed but had a good job lined up to start in February. She had planned trip to Florida to help get her Dad's house ready for sale. She was there for a month. During that time she met up with a former HS boyfriend that she had been reconnected with on Facebook that fall. Heck, she had told me about that and I thought nothing of it.

They started to "connect" and you can imagine how he made her feel. He said the right things to someone that wanted to hear them. He was in a "bad marriage" too.

So . . . she drives home after the month away thinking about the old HS BF and us. I headed out of town for a business trip and she packed up all her stuff, left me a note on the bed and moved in with a friend.

I changed about a million things in my life to try to win her back. I stopped a message board I was obsessed with, started church, stopped dipping tobacco, got on a low dose of Prozac, saw an IC, poured all the booze down the drain . . .

No amount of change mattered. We hardly talked. There were a few brief periods where she softened, but I only saw her five or six times from when she left in late January to when she moved in late May.

I was discarded.

After the divorce, I started dating. She found out I was dating about six weeks after moving. She got jealous and we started talking. I broke it off with the girl I was dating and flew to Florida to see her.

We determined that weekend that we would get remarried and work through it. We got remarried in Vegas a month later.

End of January she left, start of March she filed, start of May we were divorced, July we reconnected and August we remarried. Hence the name WarpSpeed.

We're in marriage counseling and we'll succeed.

This thing is just weird for me because I didn't even know that she had left me for someone else until after the divorce when she told me in the first few conversations after finding I had started dating.

During the "discovery day" part I was so focused on "wow we can put this back together" that I barely processed that whole "other man" thing. I ignored it because I wanted her back.

Starting to deal with it now. We've got help. It is working. But there is a lot on this site that rings a bell.

Update June 2011: In just the last month she's really started to get what I've gone through and is trying to help. That has allowed me to be more open with the things I'm working through. Posted on someone else's thread recently that there are parallel planes that we operate on. One one plane is a tremendously revitalized marriage. We're very happy. On another plane is pain and resentment and anger that we need to work on.

For us . . . we work on both. We work on the day to day happiness and that gives us the energy to commit to working on the dirty, messy painful stuff.

Update April 2012

Our marriage has never been better. Real healing, for both of us, took place last summer and fall as she truly expressed her deep felt remorse. I could see her pain at the pain she had caused.

We talk, we trust, we love . . .

It is awesome.

It can be done. Best luck to all of you.

Me: BS (52) Her: fWW (51)Married 28 years
2 awesome sons graduated college in 2015
She left Jan 2010, She filed Mar 2010, Div final May 2010, She shared it was an A July 2010, Remarried Aug 2010

Posts: 1536 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
New Member
Member # 34092
Content  Posted: 4:01 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)

I just posted "stillstruggling", but needed to clarify for anyone searching for hope. While this has been a ride I will never take again. I will say that my WS and I are happier than we have ever been!
I just thought when she walked down the isle that I loved her...I KNOW I do now! Why? Not quite sure, but we have found something that was missing...we're like kids at Christmas with each other and we love it! Do I still struggle...yes. She does also, She gets VERY emotional and consumed with guilt at times. (part of helping me heal) The bottom line is God Himself put us together and who are we to question Him. Not preaching, at all, just saying that's the way we see it and even though I/she still struggle almost daily. It's what we want! Happier than ever and looking forward to tomorrow! YAY US!

[This message edited by metamorphisis at 4:24 AM, April 27th (Friday)]

Posts: 34 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Metro Atlanta
Member # 25163
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, April 16th (Monday)

I am happy to say that 2.5 years later things are great between WS and I. We have an almost 1 year old son and I admit times are trying, but we are getting through it. My situation is a little different as I still see the OW a couple times a year at get togethers. The first few times were fine, I was the bigger person and would make the first contact, but the most recent one I could not even look her in the eyes. WS even knew it was hard for me and has been great. I do have a couple flashback from time to time, but those are happening less frequently. I am so thankful for this messageboard as it has gotten me through my darkest days.

WS- 31
OW-23 (Best friend's sister in law)
Married-6 years
Together-14 years
EA/PA D-Day 8/9/09
R Day ?

Posts: 149 | Registered: Aug 2009
Member # 25222
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, May 3rd (Thursday)

Thanks everyone & especially Sportsfan. I am the WS and we have been working on R for most of 3 years. DD was a bit over 3 years ago but took me awhile to get my head out of my you know where and into the game, so to speak.
Earlier this week our youngest daughter posted some photos taken before D-day. The look of love & happiness between the two of us brought a smile to my face and reminded me of what we were working towards/hopefully mostly getting back to.
I am overseas on a short term contract & my bride and I were IM chatting and I inquired if she had also seen the picture. She stated it had and that it broke her heart. It triggered her. The exact opposite of what I felt when I saw it.
The progress in the R was that I was able to address it straight on. No ducking, dodging or looking to change the subject. I created the mess, if we want to continue as a couple, then by God I have to also be there when it gets uncomfortable.
All of your stories are giving me hope that it does get better. Thank you again & best wishes for continued happy R.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Colorado
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, May 14th (Monday)

Coming up on 3 years since dd. FWS has been great. We are R'ed completely. It took about 2 years. I still have some small triggers... But, I looked OW's g+ site today, and felt no anger!

Me- 42- BS Him- 38- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 multi EAs, likely PA, trickle truth, d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute Separated 1/2017
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Kentucky
New Member
Member # 35471
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 19th (Saturday)

Love these success stories! Gives me hope! I know deep down that my story will be in here too someday when the pain has faded. Thank you all for not giving up. It is a reflection of your character and your big heart.
love and hugs

ME: BW,44 Him: WH,45 without a clue
DDay: 4/25/2012
Four beautiful, intelligent daughters 10, 11, 12 and 15yrs.
Married 17 yrs. WH cheating for last 7 years(admitted but who knows?)Multiple women. One employee.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
looking forward
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)

We have been working on R for over three years; the struggle continues, but we are having more good days than not.
Our 40th anniversary is coming up next week, and my dear H took the positive step of wanting to acknowledge it again, after spending #37, #38, and #39 apart, me at home, him @ our place in the city.

We are returning to the church where we were married 40 years ago. He wants me to wear my wedding dress; he's wearing a tuxedo, and a close friend is our "official" photographer.

[This message edited by looking forward at 6:46 PM, June 4th (Monday)]

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow. Together more than 49 years.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 3197 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
looking forward
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, June 4th (Monday)

H and I celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary this past weekend by returning to the church where we were married.
We even gave each a card and a gift.
I gave him a garden ornament that he had been admiring for a few weeks (not romantic, I I researched meanings for the frog and umbrella and wrote these down:
frog ~ luck, rebirth, renewal, healing, metamorphosis, transitions
The frog is also a common Christian symbol for the holy trinity and resurrection. We have both returned to church.
umbrella ~ protection, being sheltered from life's storms
As well, it sits on the eastern side of our gazebo (Feng Shui practices recommend the east window of your home to encourage a happy family life).

My H gave me a ring with five stones. He said they represent my colourful life and the words, "I will always love you." I am wearing it with the peridot ring he gave me December 09, a new promise ring.

[This message edited by looking forward at 6:59 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow. Together more than 49 years.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 3197 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Deeply Scared
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 5th (Tuesday)

The other day MH and I were at one of our favorite sushi restuarants...all the waitstaff knows us and always comes over to hug us and see how we're doing.

We're regulars there...every Friday for Happy Hour

Anyway, one of the waitresses said "you two are our favorite couple!" and MH said "thats because we're so sweet and in love" The waitress leaned over our table and grabbed the sugar packets and said " don't need this sugar"

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 210060 | Registered: May 2002
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 18th (Monday)

A small thing, but one I had to share...

Yesterday I got an overwhelming craving for a Coca-Cola Icee (blame it on pregnancy hormones- I do). DH drove me to a convenience store where the Icee machine was down. The next three didn't have Icee machines.

An hour later, after many, many stops at various convenience stores, DH walks to the car with the biggest Icee cup I've ever seen in my life. He was grinning from ear to ear.

I kissed him and told him he's a good man. He really is.

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, June 18th (Monday)

In Aruba last week 28 months after she left, 26 months after the divorce and 22 months after getting remarried on our 23rd anniversary. Still going strong.

The second wedding in 2010

Me: BS (52) Her: fWW (51)Married 28 years
2 awesome sons graduated college in 2015
She left Jan 2010, She filed Mar 2010, Div final May 2010, She shared it was an A July 2010, Remarried Aug 2010

Posts: 1536 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Rise And Shine
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 2nd (Monday)

Okay, my turn to add a little positive reconciliation story to this thread.

Our wedding aniversary is coming up this Friday. It will be the 4th wedding anniversary since dday.

But ever since dday, we have not celebrated our anniversary. It's been too hard for me or, IDK, irrelevant maybe?

Our oldest daughter is flying home from NYC for a visit and the other 3 kids are all here...

So, last week I asked my WH if he would like to celebrate our anniversary this year with a dinner at the historic mansion where we were M'd...and with all the children with us.

He stood quiet for a minute than he began to cry (oops, I'm going to cry now writing

It's kind of strange, we've both been weepy ever since.

But it's a true milestone event for the both of us. Ugh, I can already picture it...we're going to be crying like goofy parents and the kids are going to be rolling their eyes (they don't know).

There ya have little positive reconciliation addition to this thread.

April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 4th (Wednesday)

Awesome Rise!

Me: BS (52) Her: fWW (51)Married 28 years
2 awesome sons graduated college in 2015
She left Jan 2010, She filed Mar 2010, Div final May 2010, She shared it was an A July 2010, Remarried Aug 2010

Posts: 1536 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Member # 35216
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 4th (Wednesday)

My WH and I are new to R, but we're doing well. Almost 7months since the first DD and one month into true R....

I can honestly say that I have never been happier in my M than I am now (as much as I wish we could have gotten here another way).

We never really had that 'honeymoon period'. We were both to blame for that...but I feel like THIS is even better than the beginning.

A great example happened yesterday. I was having a tough day..lots of was really starting to get to me and I was acting grumpy (I had already decided it was just me and this feeling needed to pass). Old WH would have said - you're in a bad mood, stop it, WH said (in a soft concerned voice) - hey, are you in a bit of a bad mood? I looked up at him and smiled and said, yes...yes I am...he looked at me, gave me a hug and said, what can I do to help. I said, you just did.

About 2 hours later he said, you look like you're in a better mood, I said I was feeling better...he asked again, is there anything I could have done differently to make things better for you?

God I love this man!

Married for 10 yrs, together 15
Me, BW - 37
Him, fWH- 40
3 kids
D-Day; Dec 13, 2011, TT and lies and lies and lies and lies
Back in R

Posts: 403 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 34836
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, July 6th (Friday)

This has been truly inspirational.....thank you all for sharing

M 25 years
BW Me - 50's
WH Him - 60's
OW 25 years younger
D-Days too numerous to mention last D-day being 12-2-11 *OW went on fishing trip 5-21-13*

"A relationship is only made for two, but some bitches don't know how to count"

Posts: 386 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Colorado
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 10th (Tuesday)

But it's a true milestone event for the both of us. Ugh, I can already picture it...we're going to be crying like goofy parents and the kids are going to be rolling their eyes (they don't know).

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5853 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Europe
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 8th (Wednesday)

Just needed to get this out here and keep the positive stuff going. Everybody IRL is absolutely sick of hearing me say how much I love my H and how much he has changed. Even the radio announcers on our Christian radio station know my voice when I call. I don't even have to say my last name.

I do not feel like I am even married to the same man. Especially since the day when I discovered the broken NC... he has stepped up to the plate, owned every bit of his stuff and is doing things every single day that are rebuilding my heart and my trust.

He is reading. The Bible, Not Just Friends, The Ragamuffin Gospel, whatever. He is not posting as much here but reads every single day. He met with our pastor yesterday for some guidance. He is proactive in MC. He is telling me what he feels. He is asking me what I am feeling, rather than assuming he already knows. He is doing things every single day to let me know how much he loves me, how sorry he is, how he is changing. Some of them are little things. Some of them are over the top, extravagant expressions of his love and humility.

He won't fight with me. How do you fight with someone who won't fight back but says, "I want to pray about that and take our time to discuss it." ????? He is leading our kids. He is being an example of how a man should treat his wife, his children, his parents, people around him.

And he's terrified that he's going to mess it all up somehow. That's the MOST endearing thing about him is how scared he is that he will revert to his old patterns.

I love him. I love him more than I imagined possible. Our final DDay antiversary is fast approaching, and when I look back at a year ago, I can't even recognize the 2 people I see.

Me, 50. (How did THAT happen??)
Him, 42 (JMSSC)
married 20 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 3881 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, August 8th (Wednesday)

This past weekend (end of July)we turned another corner in our R journey.

Mr. Aubrie has been working alot of overtime lately but has put forth an enormous effort to stay in contact with me. Lots of calls and texts throughout the day. Even if he's not coming home till 8:30 at night, I still feel a strong connection to him. Our days are flowing. Communication is wide open. (Which is something we've always struggled with)

Sunday afternoon we had an event to attend. I hate going to events because as soon as we get there, Mr. Aubrie disappears into the crowd. No eye contact. He ignores me. Brushes me off. Doesn't help watch the kids. Gets annoyed when I ask for help. We leave when he is ready and if I ask to leave early, he gets irritated.

He enjoys one on one time with me, but anywhere else, he detaches from me because he's ashamed of me. He hates being reminded of what I've done and that I'm not who people think I am. He hates standing in a group of people knowing they are in happy, healthy relationships and we're standing in destruction and chaos.

This weekend was nice, Sunday morning went smoothly, but towards the afternoon I started bracing myself for the cold shoulder. We arrived at the event. He held my hand into the building. Someone approached me and asked me a question and a conversation started. Mr. Aubrie excused himself and walked over to a couple of his friends. He stood facing me across the room. Strange. Throughout the entire evening I kept an eye out for him like I always do. He was always facing me. He made eye contact constantly. He smiled. He wiggled his eyebrows and grinned. It was puzzling. He was so different. Then later I found out why.

This week we've had spurts of conversation about Sunday afternoon. He said he has seen a huge change in me. I have been rearranging and changing just about everything in my life. (All positive, necessary changes.) When we arrived a the event Sunday, he realized he was proud of me. He didn't feel ashamed of me in the crowd. All those "happily married" people in the room and he zoned in on me. The new me. And he was honored and proud to call me his. Previously he's tried to fool himself into being proud but it never felt right. He said now he feels it with his entire being and there is no doubt.

While he was having his own little revelation, I was having my own. Many people always say that would gladly give their life for their spouse. They'd take a bullet. They'd jump in front of a car. I'd always said it too, but I doubted if it reeeeally came down to it, just how much I would sacrifice for him. Yes, I was that selfish. As we've journeyed through R, I've been learning and building a real love for my husband that I never truly grasped before. And I have discovered, if faced with the choice of my life or his, I would gladly lay myself in the path of danger and death for him. I truly love him enough to sacrifice my existence for his.

Thru this journey, I've laid alot of my stupidity and selfishness down. It's liberating. It doesn't have to always be all about me. I'm just one person in this partnership. I've ignored him for far too long. That will not happen anymore. That will not be our future.

We're still struggling with some things. There's still some issues to address. However, we're making positive steps. We're closer to the goal. Please forgive my Positive Polly-ness. I just have to share the good. There's been years of negativity. I've wallowed in that crap for a long time. I heard someone say last week, "The choices of the past can never be changed. So don't waste your day today bemoaning what you cannot change. Instead, make positive choices that will impact and change your future." That's what I'm trying to do.

This is the hall of mirrors. Where you will face yourself. Buckle up.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7863 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 36490
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)

Thank you all so much for sharing. I like to believe I can love and trust him again and your stories make me see it is possible.

Me: 47yo
Him: 53yo
Married 15; Together 18
"Mid Life Crisis Affair Jan 2011"
I found his hotel charges on the Visa bill. How very Soap Opera.
Two beautiful daughters = my life

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: PA
New Member
Member # 36662
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, September 12th (Wednesday)

Well, it's 10 days now since we started seeing each other again. My betrayed girlfriend went those 10 days without bringing up even a hint of insecurity or fear or resentment. Last night she brought it up and we had a very healthy and strengthening discussion. No angry words or talk of ending anything. She's really incredible and understanding. I am so glad that I was given one more chance. I told her that we'll take it as slow as she wants to or as fast as she wants to and I want her to not worry about my feelings about the rate or healing and to not be afraid to bring up her feelings to me. I want to do anything that I can to help her heal and trust me again and it feels really great to have finally seen the light. I know that the process is still so young, but we love each other very much so I know that it will not be very grueling or painful, only long. I'm excited to continue building and growing and I'm so grateful that she is so willing to try again. I am getting butterflies! Hahaha. At 23 you don't really think it's possible, but it is

Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: aanderson088
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, September 16th (Sunday)

It's hard to believe it's been 7.5 years since d-day...and I still remember my user name and password to this website!

We made it through the storm and now have two beautiful little girls...and are trying for our third!

Reconciliation is not easy and in fact I still struggle with his A and triggers. He's been completely remorseful and I've realized it's really up to me forgive and completely move on. I've held onto it for so long...and might need to hang on a little longer...but that's just me. Someday I'll hopefully let it go completely.

D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, September 16th (Sunday)

Sending good thoughts for #3!

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

Posts: 29076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
New Member
Member # 36832
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, September 16th (Sunday)

How do u do positive reconciliation.i know both me n h would like to fix but don't know how,he blames me affair due to feeling issues are3 year affair back n forth for 8 months,holidays together.he has lost our couple friends back on nov but if we get back together the backlash would be huge,as huge damage done.
I think he would like me to move back in family home and just carry as normal,but I don't know how we can do that.
Do we talk about affair,do I keep track of his whereabouts.whats best advice to move forward.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday)

No one has posted here in a couple weeks. We are in the beginning of our first a season and R is going well.

Don't get me wrong there are at least moments in everyday that it hurts like hell but the intense rollercoaster swings have calmed down.

We are both working hard and that is why it is working. My WS is doing IC and vigilantly working a 12 step fellowship. We have been reading and working through books together: After the Affair, 5 Love Languages , How to Help You Spouse Heal from Your Affair, and The Marriage You've Always Dreamed Of. We pray together most mornings and inventory our day at the end of the night. WE COMMUNICATE!!!

I am not ready to(and probably never will)say that I am grateful for the A. But our Lives, Our Relationship, and Our Family is better than it has ever been.

[This message edited by Chicho at 5:31 AM, October 12th (Friday)]

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, October 14th (Sunday)

I originally posted this ion the reconcilation thread and then pulled it...I am reposting it here.

52 weeks ago today I married my WSO (anniversary is actually on Tuesday). I married him 12 days before the first antiversary of D-day. Although it has been quite the year both joyous and with the downs that go with this ride known as the rollor coaster I have no regrets. I have been blessed with a truly remorseful man and have learned alot about myself. Thank you all who have been there on my downs. I appreciate everyones stories and hope that we all find that peaceful and comfortable place that we as humans deserve. Thanks

Mr & Mrs Bird

D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
Member # 10002
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, October 15th (Monday)

On October 31, 2012 my husband (who was my WSO 3 years ago) and I will close on our dream home. When we met, after my 1st marriage ended, I never thought I would have the opportunity to build a home again. And, now each of our 5 children will have their own room and my live-in mother has her own apartment attached to the house too.

3 years ago, October 31 WAS our D-day. A day that I thought I would always remember with pain. Remembering his confession…

But, now, October 31 is OUR Celebration DAY!!

Posts: 1064 | Registered: Mar 2006
Member # 28645
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, November 4th (Sunday)

3 years past dday now, and what I used to think was impossible is now reality...

we are healed and stronger than before! My remorseful fwh has proven himself over time and I love him more than I did prior to the A because the aftermath of the A broke him down..he hit rock bottom and was forced to take a hard look at himself. He didn't like what he saw and he made a complete 180. He is a wonderful man now and I love him very much.


Posts: 1328 | Registered: May 2010
Member # 29805
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)

I posted this in a thread below (about "why R?"). But, I'm reposting it here.

When D-Day happened over 2 years ago, I wasn't sure what I wanted. I had spent nearly 13 years with H, and we had just bought a home together a few months prior. I was scared of being alone, of starting over. And, despite the extreme hurt, I found that I still loved him and cared about him. Plus, I took my wedding vows very seriously, and felt like I needed to know that I tried everything in my power to save our marriage before I could feel at peace with walking away.

At the same time, because he had had an EA 10 years prior, I had always said if he did it again "I'd be gone". And I knew I didn't deserve to be treated that way. Having been through multiple affairs now with him, it was not lost on me that this was a pattern, and that I was taking a HUGE risk of being hurt again, by staying.

In those first weeks, I went back and forth from reading about how to save our marriage, to researching divorce attorneys, and even creating fake profiles on dating websites and researching apartments just to see what my options were (I never connected with anyone, and had no intention to -- I just needed to know that if/when I was ready to date again, I wouldn't be left with lepers and guys who live with their mother).

Every time I'd think to leave him, I'd freeze up. So, I decided to give myself time to not make any decision to stay OR go. I think I gave myself about 6 months, and then I would re-evaluate (H was not aware of this at all). This worked well to take off the pressure. I knew that, ultimately, I was in control if I felt it necessary to leave sooner, but I wasn't forcing myself to make a decision before I was ready.

Things seemed to be getting better. Then 3 months later, D-Day #2 hit. That apparently changed everything, for H (from what he told me). I was extremely cautious, waiting for the other shoe to drop -- not wanting to believe anything anymore. It was a dark time for me. But I didn't feel strong enough to leave, so I allowed myself to keep that 6 month "deadline". But I did get stronger in asking for what I needed and setting/enforcing my own boundaries.

Shortly before the "deadline" was up, H agreed to attend Retrouvaille with me. That changed EVERYTHING. It made H realize our MC was horribly destructive to our marriage (she had basically been avoiding the affair, and letting him sidestep fixing things by turning blame on me -- why I kept going, I don't know... maybe because I didn't know what else to do). He asked to fire her at our next session, which we did. And then, through the Retrouvaille post-sessions, we began the real process of rebuilding. H was a different person. And suddenly I felt like I really, really wanted to stay, to see where we could take this thing if we kept rebuilding like we were. It was the first time I felt real hope.

Now, 2 years later, I am glad I stayed. Our relationship is so different than it ever had been. H is a very different person too. He doesn't just say the "right things", he backs things up with actions -- actions that would be extremely difficult to fake. I've begun to trust again (though my heart is still cautious, and probably always will be), but he knows that trust was and is hard earned, and easily could be broken forever. We both agree that our relationship is exponentially better than it has ever been, and gets better all the time. And, now we have a daughter, who he loves to pieces, and I believe she's yet another motivator for him to stay faithful.

I move forward knowing that I'll never be able to control what H does. He may very well decide to hurt me again. But *I* will be okay; I will survive. I have choices, and I have power. And I have faith that all the work we've done will not be in vain. If nothing else, I'm really enjoying life again now, and I have a baby girl who is everything to me. So, I feel like so far I've come out ahead.

And, I think about how, had I left, I wouldn't have these things -- a beautiful daughter, a marriage that feels solid and happy, and all of the memories and things we have built together over the last 15 years. I may have ended up single for a long time. I may have ended up with a guy I thought was great, but who turned out to break my heart too. At least with H, he's the "devil that I know". And H has got a lot to lose at this point, whereas a new guy might not.

I don't regret my decision to stay one bit. It can get better. Doesn't mean it always will, and only you can decide if that's even probable for your situation. But if you want to try, and you think there's even a glimmer of hope, why not? At least if it doesn't work out you won't spend the rest of your life thinking "what if...?"

Me: BS (33)
Him: FWS (34)
DDay 1: 06/04/10 | DDay 2: 10/02/10
OEA plus another texting EA
Together 17 yrs, married 6
One beautiful baby girl together

Fully in R! (and successful Retrouvaille "grads"!)

Posts: 422 | Registered: Oct 2010
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, December 9th (Sunday)

What a great thread!

The last few years since dday have been better than ever. When we got married in 1998, I never really knew what being married was all about.

Now, whenever we can (and some times when we shouldn't) we snuggle in bed, entwined 'til noon, and luxuriate in the feeling of love.

That said, I still have thoughts that she did "that" with "them", but she has consistently refuted my triggers.

She recently was leaving early to see a friend in a nearby town in rehab, so the friend's house was empty. She left clothes to wear for the morning that included two pair of underwear... Which caused me to have a semi-major freak out.

She couldn't have been more supportive and helpful - she actually understood why I had triggered, and what was causing me anguish the night before.

I really think I'm back to 99.5% pre-A, now... It really feels great.

Me: BS 56
Her: fWW 51

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married

Posts: 441 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, December 10th (Monday)

Flup your story is great, you have no idea how much I pray this will be us. Well actually you probably do know..

Posts: 3615 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, December 13th (Thursday)

This is such a wonderful thread, please keep the stories coming! I DO so love happy endings and many stories here have brought tears to my eyes. I am so happy that so many of you are doing this well and that the hardships i see every day on the forums really can be overcome!


I am humbled and filled with a sense of hope and strength, thank you.

D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

3+ years later and I am doing great! Hell of a ride but well worth it.

Posts: 318 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
New Member
Member # 37609
Content  Posted: 9:01 PM, December 14th (Friday)

I have not posted anything on this site but instead have used it to validate all the feelings I have been going through. I am only 2 months out from D day. I thought I would not be able to figure out HOW to live again. My husband has been amazing. His 2 year off and on affair was ended abruptly after I found out and he has done everything to win me back. To my utter amazement, after weeks upon weeks of crying and hurt, a wave of relief came over me on Sunday (12/9). I suddenly had NO feelings of pain. NO feelings of emptynes.... Instead, I had hope and LOVE! I've loved my husband for 17 years and I didn't deserve to be put into this position, but I sure as heck am going to realize when my marriage has the potential to be better than ever! This week has been amazing! We talk and even joke about the ow, but it doesn't pain me inside. I am sad still, of course, but I KNOW we are going to be better than OK! I hope all of you get the chance to experience what I have felt this week. I don't know how long this will last, but I'm riding the high right now. I love my husband. And he has always loved me. Now we'll spend the rest of our lives faithfully loving each other!

Posts: 1 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, December 16th (Sunday)

Just wanted to share our recent experience.

Dday was less than 3 months ago and my fWH has been trying so hard, both to support and love me and to do the work on himself and his childhood that needs to be done. The topper was this weekend, when we performed together as Clara's parents in our local town's production of the Nutcracker. We danced and acted and had the best time. This is far outside my fWH's comfort zone, but we started ballroom a few years back (strictly to make me happy at the time) and have taken it to this level. I was proud for the whole community to see us on stage together as a loving couple.

Currently I am pain and anger free. I understand that we are not done with the work and I am not done with the pain, but we are in such a good place right now!

Dday -9/23/2012

Posts: 2243 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 37694
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, December 16th (Sunday)

Thanks for these posts. I love love love reading them.

Married 31 years
D-Day Sept 3, 2012
I thought we were in R. Now I am not sure.
Second D-Day August 5' 2013
No kids

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Virginia
Member # 37694
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, December 17th (Monday)

I loved reading these posts. You all give me hope. Thanks!

Married 31 years
D-Day Sept 3, 2012
I thought we were in R. Now I am not sure.
Second D-Day August 5' 2013
No kids

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Virginia
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, December 20th (Thursday)

The one-year "antiversary" is this coming Saturday. If someone had told me a year ago that my H and I would not only still be together in a year, but still head-over-heels in love and enjoying each other, I'd have said they were full of it.

But it happened. First I was surprised and amazed we made it a week. Then before I knew it the weeks turned into months and months into one year. It's not been all "mai-tai's and Yahtzee", not by a long shot. There's been sleepless nights and difficult talks and gut-wrenching sobs, from me AND from him. But, it gets better. It truly does.

I have my best friend back. My H and I do everything together, willingly and joyfully, the way it was the first six years of our marriage. Our conversation and communication skills are off the chart now - We learned the hard way what happens when you don't communicate what you're feeling to your mate.

We've become much better at recognizing triggers and working through them together, even though some days it really, really sucks. Because to borrow the phrase from the hair color commercial - We're worth it!

So I would say to those new to the process - I know that where you are right now sometimes seems insurmountable; it felt that way to me when I was new in this. I would read the comments of those further along than me and think 'yeah right, no way in hell this will get better'. Don't give up. It's worth the effort.

Me: BS(45)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(52). D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/13. Divorced 1/10/14.

New chapter of my life- married 11/13/15 to the man I'd thought I would never find.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.

Posts: 443 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
Member # 2524
Cool  Posted: 2:03 AM, February 5th (Tuesday)

Today has been 10 years since the d-day that brought me to SI. The spring and summer of 2003 was a very rough time, but things got better as time went on.

Many thanks to SI, to MH and DS, and the members who were here in 2003-2006 that were so much help. I learned so much from talking to all of you, and gained a lot of confidence in how to handle things during our recovery.

All those problems are in our distant past and we are doing really well.

Thanks again to SI!

Met in 1974. Married since 1979.
Reconciled and happy

"Some people call a willingness to work on things 'compromise'. I call it 'love'". - erzulie

Posts: 1961 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Southern California
Member # 36992
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)

Wanted to give hope to those currently going through these hard times.

It's been almost 19 years since DDay and 18.5 years since R began. We have come a long way during that time frame.

At the time of the A, we had no kids, it was the 2 of us and we had only been married a few years. After 5 months of Hell on Earth, we managed to come back together.

Since then we started a family. We have 2 beautiful children whom we adore. We treat each other with respect and love. We are in our second home and life seems to be going great.

We still have our moments (the ones all couples have....disagreements and such) but we have never fought. We have learned so much about one another and we try to make sure we don't take each other for granted.

As far as the A is concerned, I forgave her completely. I will never forget about it, but I will not beat her up over it. She has apologized enough and has shown remorse.

So for those that are trying for reconciliation, yes it is possible and it takes hard work, but it truly can be worth it.

Full disclosure: I found SI during a google search for controlling mind movies. My wife has not done anything to cause me to come here after all this time. She does not know that I have come here as I don't want her to relive this either. I'm trying to personally handle some emotional issues that cropped up about 5 years ago when the OM got a job about 2 minutes from where I work. I ended up seeing him every single day. Well he no longer works there....thank god! However, this caused the mind movies to start all over in my head and I will be seeking help in the forums concerning this.

Also, any information I can give to help another couple survive and lead to reconciliation, I am happy to provide. Just ask....BS or WS it doesn't matter.

Me - FBH
Happened many years ago

Posts: 51 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, February 11th (Monday)

Every day we are working to R. As crazy as it sounds, I think the A has literally SHOCKED us into reality and in the long run our marriage will be stronger then when we first said our now broken vows. We are reading books and doing the exercises in After the Affair, going to MC and IC. My WH has owned his behaviour from the moment I found out. This helps every single day. He is remorseful and full of regret. I am not sure when I will forgive him but I know I want too. And I know he needs to forgive himself as well. This all hurts so much and I know it will for a long time to come but my goodness when you set your mind to R over and above anything else, great things are bound to happen. I will post more positive notes as we go along and hopefully others can feel some of the same hopefullness that I do.

[This message edited by LA44 at 4:11 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3437 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, February 15th (Friday)

This is my story of a successful R. I believe it is the hardest, best road, but it’s not for sissies

My FWW and I were married in 1973, after being together a few years, and living together for one. When we got married, we made a wow to each other that even adultery was not necessarily grounds for divorce between us. We’d seen so many friends and friends’ parents break up over momentary lapses of judgment that we wanted to make sure there was another road for us to follow. Today, we call that R.

Almost 7 years to the day after we first slept together, the “Itch” caught up with her and I found a strange woman at my door informing me that we had both joined the same club, as the BS.

I was devastated, and confronted my WW that night. She denied it of course, but I only know one way to interpret, “They’ve been taking off work early and fucking in the afternoons.”

That led to a couple of months of TT and minimizing as the A continued and I dug the truth out of her. I thought a multi-month A that required planning and deception was well out of bounds of our vow, but I stuck it out and eventually got her to end it. I know this would have been a deal breaker for many, and it almost was for me.

She proved to be more emotionally detached than I knew, and refused to talk about it much, so it took me more years to heal than it should have, but we stayed married. We didn’t have Dr Glass, or SI or the internet and so we made a lot of it up on the fly, and in hindsight, we could have done our R a lot better. Lots of lumpy carpet in our house.

At her constant urging I finally had an “A of my own”, a ONS with the W of an associate. I guess my W thought getting even was part of the process. To me, it felt like more damage from her A, but at least the sex was good.

I recently found SI after getting triggered into excruciating flashbacks and have been going back and doing some of the work we should have done the first time. Later is harder, but it can be done.

SI has been a lifesaver for me, I’ve learned a lot and it is still sinking in. It’s getting better every day.

I thought I’d “affair-proofed” our M with my fidelity, attention, affection and support but I now see her risk factors were off the charts. Her FOO issues such that’s it’s likely I was making it worse by being such a good H. Wow.

I will never claim that our M is better than it would have been without our A’s, it’s not. My FWW says it was worth it, because she discovered that the grass isn’t greener anyplace else. Maybe that’s because she learned the lesson, and I paid the price.

I’ll repeat what I’ve said here before, the SI process is brilliant, but it is an ideal that does not have to be perfectly executed to have real value. Even half a loaf is a healthy meal. And it’s so good to know you’re not alone.

We’re about to celebrate our 40th anniversary. We have a couple of kids in college, a beautiful home, and some savings. Our friends see us as a model couple, and although we know better, we still love each other and I’m glad we’re still together.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 5:16 PM, February 15th (Friday)]

Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, February 16th (Saturday)

I will repost this is a separate post but thought I would share here first. FWW and I (at only 5 weeks from D day ) are having the best V day/ birthday weekend! She planned a day late V day of hiking in the morning and a Swedish massage after. Lunch afterwords. After getting rid of the kids for the weekend I surprised her with a trip out of town. Wine tasting today - this is a big step for me, I don't drink at all.,but it's her birthdays. Dinner out tonight.

Yes we are only at5 weeks out,but it does seem so easy to love each over again. I actually told her I was incredible happy with where we are, but also terribly said that we didn't fix this sooner.

Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 724 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)

Today is 23 months from initial dday. Like everyone on here my world as I knew it was shattered, I felt knives in my chest and did not think I would survive. Even though we were working on "us" and rebuilding our marriage my husband continued to TT & lie to me for 7 months. I found more information on his phone & thought our relationship was done. I had already forgiven him so I could move forward. I told him I loved him & we could move forward from anything but I deserved the truth & honesty, to be treated with respect, deserved love and passion and total committment. He answered all my questions that night, I saw his pain and remorse. I began to feel some peace as I had honesty.

We are surviving infidelity, together...We did not give up on each other. We no longer have a child centered marriage, we communicate what we need, we put each other first. My husband is a new man, he is more committed to me than he ever has been. Our priority is "us". I feel a love for him and from him that I did not think was possible. We choose to love and to do positive things for each other.

This is not easy. It has been the hardest and worst thing to happen to me. I still get sad, he holds me if I cry @ night, he's there for me if something triggers me, he's doing a wonderful job of loving me.

This has changed me, changed how I look at the world, I'm a different person, I am very strong. I think anyone who survives this is.
My life story has some really bad parts in it & a lot of pain but the road got me to where I am today. Today I am grateful for what I have and for my husband. He is the love of my life and I love him more than words can say. We communicate, have passion and great sex and we are best friends.

If we can make it through this,together, we can make it through anything.

So can you. Today is a gift.

Me-BS 54
M 34 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.

Posts: 730 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 37781
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)

@ forgivingnow....Hi...This has brought tears to my eyes as it is so inspiring. This is what I hope and pray for each day. Everybody's stories are different, but one thing we all have in common is we've experienced infidelity in some manner.

In fact all 5 pages on this thread should be read and reread by people like me and my H who are in the process of R which we all know isn't easy. It takes a lot of fight to survive infidelity together as you said. My H and I are trying, and I guess that is all I can ask for. I'm thankful that he is trying to give me, our M, and himself a 2nd chance.

D-Day 7/6/12 - My A was discovered that day; he confessed of his A's the day after
HIM: WS/BS (Cantgetworse11)
US: Madhatters
Together 20 yrs, 2 children, and trying....

Posts: 62 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 37194
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, February 22nd (Friday)


[This message edited by IForgiveHer at 2:09 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

Me: BH 37
FWW: 37 (sosorryididthis)
DDay: June 29, 2012
Married 18 years, together 19
2 great kids
I have to stop dwelling on the past so I can stay excited about the future!

Posts: 52 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Southern Oregon
Member # 36766
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, March 1st (Friday)

Well we are still early in recovery but I am glad to see this topic on here. It gives hope that there really can be a happy ending. We still have good and bad days after just over 6 months for D day but they are getting much much better. He actually will walk away from a agruement, think about it, come back and apoligize if he is wrong, and talk it out. Something he never did before. When I am having a bad day and he is away working, I am actually able to call him at work and he will take my call, something that has NEVER happened before unless an emergency. I would never abuse this and he knows it. The first time in over 10 years that he tells me if I need to talk, its OK to call ( he works on remote sites and can not always talk at work). This may sound strange to some or like its no big deal but its huge to me as my husband is married to his work while at work. He sends me little emails here and there while at work as well just to let me know he is thinking about me or to check that I am ok or having a good day. He just took me on one trip and we have another one planned next month (the last trip was more business but allowed us to visit some family and friends). This next trip is all about us and doing something we both love and to rekindle our romance without being interupted. Anyway, just wanted to share since I its only fair to write the good as well as the bad like I did in the past. I think we are on the road to recoverly, god I hope so !

No kids
Married 12 years
Been together 29 years
Me 44
Him 45
DD Aug. 21 2012 the day after we stared to build a new house in a new country.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, March 18th (Monday)

We celebrated our 6 year anniversary on Vday and are now about 2.5 years out from Dday.

Recent life stressors have been a major issue with each of us lately but the awesome thing is that we learned so much after Dday in IC and MC that we've applied to all areas of our lives. We take everything one step at a time, are honest and open with everything and it's just been so incredible!

In one way, I am happy that we were forced to look at our relationship and that we decided to fix it together. Do I wish it happened differently? I'm not sure because I don't know if anything else would've been a strong enough wake up call for us both.

BGF (me)- 27
FWBF (him)- 27

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,

<3 DS always

Posts: 992 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, March 28th (Thursday)

Thank you all for your positive stories!!!!

Do I wish it happened differently? I'm not sure because I don't know if anything else would've been a strong enough wake up call for us both.

I completely agree with this for us. Something catastrophic was bound to happen. It happened exactly the way it had to.

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
New Member
Member # 38484
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, April 6th (Saturday)

I am so glad that this thread exsists. We are in reconciliation and this week was really good. It is great to see that people "make it" as there are so many other stories out there. We have found a great MC and it is really giving us a new tool set. Next weekend we will be 8 months out from D day. Listing to my gut; I know that we are going to make it. The hard part is shutting out all of the negativity from outside forces. We are learning to build boundaries around our relationship and making "us" a priority. I love the comment that this is not a story....just an ugly chapter in a great novel. I am off to run my half marathon, take my life back, become a better person and enjoy this NEW life!

BS (me): 43
WH: 46
DD: 4
D Day: August 14, 2012
Married: 17 years; together 20
OW: Just a fly I want to swat away
"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty" - May

Posts: 38 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

This poor thread needs an update! Hate that is has been a month and no good stories posted. So I will share.

Last Friday was date night. Nothing extra special. We got the kids a pizza and headed out for dinner. Wait was over an hour - which typically really upsets me. I was not happy, but we sat and talked and time went pretty quick. After dinner a little walk through the mall looking for a gift for her mom. Card shopping - Women take forever! Then ice cream for dessert.
A quiet evening with my wife, and the kids did not burn down the house I would call that a positive R story.

Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 724 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, May 27th (Monday)

Almost 18 months ago to the day was Dday. A year ago I could barely leave the house. All day was one giant panic attack.
Yesterday I think I had my first Trigger Free Day.

As I was laying in bed last night I was inventorying my feelings throughout the day. I could not think of one moment that I was in a rut. I'm sure there were passing thoughts but none that invoked any negative feelings.

I was grateful for the present. I was hopeful for the future. I was in the moment. I was free.

I decided to put this on the permanent record.

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

its only a month out dday but so much has happened over the time yea lots of fights and crying but i know hes sorry and hes doing everything right which is why im in shock now hes the "alpha" guy never bow down or say your sorry or look weak , but hes laid down his pride for me shared his feelings has opened up and says hes been doing it wrong all along but never again will he rug sweep with me that me and our girls is all he has and wants to give us the world that he swears to protect this marriage with every inch of his life and never let a worthless person risk our happiness again .

i love this man though i still hurt his attuitude and him knowing what hes done a determination to make a change with not just him but our entire marriage getting rid of all distractions and making it about us was alot that he has done in a short amount of time this man is serious about me and my girls he is hanging on for dear life at my beck and call and i love to know i mean that much to him . he is so hard and cold to other ppl but has been so soft to me that most wouldnt believe it . he would just tell them this women (me) is responsible for the person i will become she controls me lol .....yeah hes back in line i know we have ALOT of work ahead but right now today i feel good



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I'm so glad this thread has been started! On days when I am in a "funk" about R I can come here and get a shot-in-the-arm to hang in there.

4 years from DD#1 and 1yr 3 mos from DD#2. I've been questioning if we are really in R or if it is a false R. MC went badly, as counselor is losing patience with me/my anger and distrust toward H. I've been wondering if I really can't feel good about him anymore.

H went on a 1 week business trip. I've been sad since last night because I have sensed distance going both ways. I began to trigger and worry how he would "behave" while gone. I came to SI to pick at the scab.

The door bell rang, and there were flowers...for me! The note said "Miss you already." and he is still on the plane, not having landed at his destination yet. I felt his embrace, my heart lifted and I felt love and warm feelings for him. He still loves me, and is doing his best to R keep rebuilding the M on his side. I need to give him a chance, let down my guard and go with the flow...something I haven't done since DDay#2.

Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Aug 2009
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 17th (Monday)

My turn to add a positive story!

Since DDay 2, my H has really opened up to me. He doesn't shy away when I need to talk about A-related issues. He listens to me. He shares his thoughts. It's really been amazing how far we have come - this time last year we were separated and he was in a LD EA/later PA with OW4.

Two weeks ago, his grandma had a stroke. She's 92. She's stable but lost mobility on her left side. He went home to see her this past Tuesday. He also helped his mom look for assisted living facilities. It was a very stressful time for him. He called (and texted) very often - just to hear my voice. I listened when he cried. I encouraged him. I was there for him whenever he needed me.

He came home Saturday night to be here for Father's Day. He hugged me so tight! We went to the bedroom and laid on the bed for a few minutes just so he could decompress. He told me that he appreciates me and he realized how much he really needs me. Later that night, he showed me how much

Yesterday was Father's Day. I suprised him with a new grill, cookbook, etc and I had the yard done so he wouldn't have to cut grass when he got back. He was very happy with his grill - and the steaks were awsome!

Last night, he told me how wonderful I am. How much he loves me. He also told me that he thinks stress is related to his wayward behavior. He said that he caught himself one time thinking "That nurse has a nice ass". He said he immediately stopped himself and said "What the hell are you thinking? She's nothing." So he called me instead. He was so proud of himself for recognizing that split second thought and knowing how to handle it properly. He also noticed his married uncle flirting with the nurses and was repulsed by his bevavior.

I told him that these 5 days apart gave me a chance to put some of the DDay 2 information in perspective. That I have come to terms with the fact that I will never understand all of the whys. So, I want to focus on our present and future. I have healed enough that I don't need to dwell on his As anymore. He told me that he lived the "single" life and that there is no other place that he wants to be than home with me! He appreciates his quiet life filled with love, not drama and lies.

We fell asleep last night in each other's arms, secure in our marriage, our future and our love for one another.

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Sometimes I think that when you first sign up for SI and get your orientation (where you can and can't post, etc) there should also be a comment that once you've "survived", (whatever than means to you), you should consider posting in this thread. Maybe we need one for those who R'd (this one) and one for those who D'd, but survived intact (a new one).

[This message edited by MoreWould at 4:40 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]

Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

Was just reading through these positive and inspiring stories and noticed it has been awhile since one was posted so thought I would share.

My story is a little different than most because my DH went to IC and started putting in the hard work finding out why he made the choice to have an A 5 months before he confessed to me. We had been legally separated for almost 8 months when he confessed, I did not know about the A when I moved out, but we had been "dating" since about the time he started seeing his IC. I had just moved back in a couple weeks before he confessed.

Anyway, sorry I tend to get a little off track. I went with him to a couple of his sessions (the last half hour of each session) and then I started going to his IC myself after he confessed. I have to say, I was scared out of my mind. However,my DH went with me and sat in the waiting room until I was done. He never once asked to come in, he said he just wanted to be there to support me when I was done. Which I always thought was very sweet and loving of him. Eventually I started having him come in for the last half of my session. From there we started actual MC with the same person. Never once did the thought ever cross my mind to get a D after he confessed to me. The time we had been apart while we were separated was so hard, I missed him too much and he missed me and my kids. I had always thought he resented my kids, but turns out he just thought he was a horrible parent. He has said many times that he doesn't know how to be a Dad. He has since learned that he is a great Dad. He Loves them, he wants the best for them. They are teenagers, they have mouths and they are exploring their independence. It has nothing to do with his ability to be a good dad. We have explored this part of his feeling like he isn't good enough in MC. Once I broke it down for him and compared him to their actual "father"... ie: he has never missed a volleyball game, softball game,track meet, band concert,parade, band competition, football game and he uses all his vacation every year so that he can go to band camp and doesn't have to miss anything, and their actual "father" has been to exactly 1 band concert, 2 football games and 2 parades (one of which was the same night as the football game) in 9 yrs. He has never been there for them, my DD17 hasn't been to his house in 4 1/2 yrs, youngest DD went 2 months ago and said that was it she isn't going back. My DS21 rarely ever speaks to him, but they appreciate everything that my DH has ever done for them, they know how proud he is of them. I never knew just how much his thoughts on not being a good dad affected him.

We have mostly good days now. He understands the pain I feel and when I have a bad day he tries to comfort me. He has helped me to face my triggers head on and he senses now when something is about to trigger me and will do something to comfort me. As a couple we are so much stronger than we have ever been. As a family we are happier than ever. I know we are going to make it! I know that he wants nothing to do with the OW. I know that he used her to fill a void in his life and that she pursued him when she knew he was weak and clinically depressed, not saying that is an excuse just that I know it is his why and his how. After seeing the pain he has caused me I honestly don't think he will ever stray again, I can see in his eyes how deeply it affects him to see the pain he has caused me. I need constant reassurance and he gives it, without question, without me asking, without getting upset. He offered all his info: passwords for everything, took the password off his phone, and installed the "find my friends" app on his phone, all without me asking.

I know we still have a long road to go before we are 100% healed, but we are on the right track and I couldn't be happier about that!

Sorry this is so long, I tend to be long winded!

Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

Only 5 months out, but my wife and I have been going to counseling and working hard to reconcile.

I had a rough day yesterday. Triggered pretty hard and gave my wife some grief for the first time in awhile. But by the time we went to bed, we were on good terms. We had a great day today!

This is significant because just one month ago, a day like yesterday would have sent me into a tailspin that would last at least 4-5 days, making us both miserable.

Getting back on an even keel the same day is a huge step forward for us. The roller coaster ride is starting to smooth out a bit.


Posts: 1967 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southwest
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

After the hell we have been through this past year, things are looking pretty good. Twelve days until the anniversary of my d-day. We went to Waffle house with our four kids and an older couple stopped us on the way out and asked us if all four of the kids were ours or if we were a blended family. The wife was betting that we were a blended family because we seemed to be acting too much in love...too much like newlyweds. We said, “nope.. all four are ours together, although he does have an 18 and 17 year old from his first marriage. We are nearing our 12th wedding anniversary and we have been together 14 years. (Side note.. his ex was 8 mos pregnant with another man’s child when we started dating. I was never the ow)
Anyway, just wanted to share a small victory. These people have no idea how much we needed to hear this. My WS answered saying we will be acting like this until we are 90.
Please take the time to share these types of things with strangers. You never know how you can make someone’s day.

Me: 45 BS
Married 14 yrs
True R: 12/2012
4kids(14, 11, 8, 3 yes )+ 2 grown Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 332 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
Member # 38263
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I looked at my husband today, 6 months into R, and thought, "I like you a little bit more than yesterday". Baby steps :)

I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Broevil has been not deleting text messages until we can look at them and compare them to the phone bill since Day. We would do it on a regular basis. The 3-4 months we were slacking and she was bugging me to check them so she could delete them for more space on her phone.

She broke her phone over the weekend. This morning we got her a new phone. As we got in the car she said, "oh no, now we won't be able to go through all those old messages"

Without even thinking I responded, "if I didn't trust you I would have been checking them all along". Which is so true.

[This message edited by Chicho at 8:44 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
New Member
Member # 40290
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, August 12th (Monday)

My wife and I have made it past the two year mark. We have become closer and have begun the process of healing. She never had anything to do with the OM since that day. She has expressed a great deal of remorse, and has tried to make everything better in our lives.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2013
New Member
Member # 40387
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

It feels good to look at eachother and know that we're almost on the same page, communication is getting easier now.I've been do a lot more reading then posting but I have to say thank you to all you brave hearts out there who share your stories good bad and ugly it gives me hope that we can all change and find that happy ending I know our struggle is not just yet over but knowing he's is this with me and that WE are worth it speaks volume and again thank you to all bc if I didn't read and take a lil from each story I wouldn't have thought we could move forward.

[This message edited by Lostly88 at 12:06 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

Me_26 EA _ 1 1/2 years ago
Him_24 PA _ 1 year into relationship
Together 5 years
D-day_April 2013 (not sure what day)
May all the pain and sorrow be lifted by the rays of clarity and happiness warm out hearts. 💏

Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: California
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I can't tell you how much I needed this thread. I am more in love with my FWH and my new self than I ever imagined possible. Thank you all for sharing, it can feel like losing your mind at so many stages of reconciliation and doubt is so terrifying. This thread is a tool I will use when I get lost in fear and uncertainty.

My husband revealed the affair with the fact that he was leaving me and going to the other woman, and within an hour of the discovery I told him no. That simple fact has beaten me down so much, that it sometimes overshadows the amazing relationship work we have done.

I think I am actually lucky. If not for this atomic bomb in our marriage, we had a dismal future of non-communication and parallel unhappiness. We are free now. We are free to say anything to each other, because the unimaginable has happened. That freedom leads to real love, a real love that I truly believe not many couples are privileged enough to live inside of.

I am so proud of myself for saying no, and for my husband to be willing to try when he felt that all hope was lost.

From great pain comes great rewards, there is only the path that exists behind us - that we cannot alter. We are building the path ahead of us with purposeful decisions and love each and every waking moment.

me, BW: 35
FWH: 36
together 18 years, M 12 years
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 4 and 7

Posts: 529 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, August 30th (Friday)

I am 3 years in and wondering how engaged we are in our lives again. it makes me uneasy when all of a sudden the W sends me a note.
know I don’t tell you this enough, but I am very grateful and blessed to have both you and DS in my life each and every day. I know you had a choice to make to stay, and still have that choice every day, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about that. Thank you for making the choice to stay, even when I gave you every reason in the world to leave. I am beyond grateful for that.

We really do have a blessed life."

That my friends is worth more than any amount in gold.
This can work, people do change and remorse with love provides a fuel for connection.

BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2070 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, August 30th (Friday)

1year Dday is just 11 days away. The road has been steep and filled with hell but the benefits at the top of the mountain couldn't be better. Our marriage is so much better, more fulfilling, sexier and happy then it has been in years. Even with the ups and downs I wouldn't trade it for going back to my old life. The old life was broken.....this one is a keeper !!!!


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

I realized after the fact that yesterday was the 9 month Anti-versary and I didn't get caught up in it. I didn't walk myself through that night - dredge it up.

I am so happy with where we are right now. We are genuinely happy to be with one another and it appears many of our family and friends have noticed too. I am sure their jaws would hit the floor if they knew what is behind our new-found awareness of each other.

It has taken so much to get to where we are. I can only hope that we can keep moving forward.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3437 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

As requested, I'm reposting this.

I posted in OT( about my panic last night thinking I had lost the box containing all the pictures and mementos that I have of the daughter I gave up for adoption. My wonderful H remembered exactly where the box was and brought it down from the attic today.
And there was so much stuff in the box that I didn't remember.

After dday # God Only Knows in August/September 2011, I took our wedding album, tore it to pieces and threw all the pages into the front yard. They sat there for days, getting rained on, etc. They were ruined and at some point, JM picked it all up and disposed of them.

After we R and renewed our vows, I regretted destroying the pictures because I thought they were all we had. I thought our professional album had been destroyed in the house fire we had in 2000.

Well, when I was going through the stuff in this box tonight, I opened up a very old jewelry box, and inside was our original wedding album. All of the professional pics from our wedding were there. I wept, tears of relief that these pictures still existed. Tears of... grief, seeing the hope and anticipation on those young faces and knowing the pain that the future held for that bride and that groom. Tears of healing, realizing that God has taken the broken shards of our past and made a beautiful mosaic of our life.

I wish we could have learned the lessons and become who we are today some other way. But I know me, and I know JM, and we both always had to take the longer, harder path to everything. We could never do anything the easy way.

So here we are. I can now look at those wedding pictures and smile, knowing that we are here, we are together, we are not beaten or broken.

And I am happy.

Me, 50. (How did THAT happen??)
Him, 42 (JMSSC)
married 20 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 3881 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
New Member
Member # 40863
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

Very sad but not surprised that none of the reconciliation stories are from spouses who have recovered from betrayal with prostitutes?

'Like bells jangled, out of tune and harsh.'
D-Day 19 April 2013 
Me-BS 47 
Him-SA/FWS (so he says) 57 
Married 20 years. 
Learned that he has NEVER been faithful.
Many ONS, many OW & approx 300 prostitutes. PUKE, PUKE, PUKE!!!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: jangledchick
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I am a spouse who has fully reconciled with my husband who was with prostitutes. I think my story is #81 on this thread. We have worked together to create the marriage we both want. A marriage with love, lust,laughter, communication and honesty. I'm sure there are others.

Me-BS 54
M 34 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.

Posts: 730 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 39747
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Jangled chick,

My H used prostitutes, and I think our reconciliation is longer and harder because it's so gross. On DDay I threw up.

90% of the time we do ok, but we still have the occasional bad few days. The only way I could come to terms with it was to find out 'why'. For him he was badly sexually abused and although I know that's not an excuse,
it's a reason. He was very broken.

With prostitutes there's no EA. I comforted myself that they were never going to want him, and he didn't want them either. It was a business arrangement.

The one that bothered me the most was an ex pupil of his who said she loved him and wanted him for herself.

At almost a year out, I'm optimistic that it'll be ok. I honestly believe that people can change if there's enough love.

Our marriage is getting better and better. We're making it.

My heart goes out to you, it's got to be the worst sort of infidelity, but even this isn't beyond repair.


[This message edited by Healinggirl at 3:10 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

Me 58
WS 58 Sexually abused as a boy
OW Prostitutes in double figures
OW Home wrecking, work-shy, gold-digging secondary abuser

D Day 11 November 2012

You can't scale a mountain in a single step

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Can't post here just yet I'm afriad, but just wanted to say that reading here is giving me a boost to keep going.

THanks to everyone for sharing.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1161 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
New Member
Member # 41402
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)

This is one of the most positive stories I have found:

It helped me a lot just knowing that someone made it through and found a new normal! This has given me a lot of hope. When D-Day happened I had never heard a successful story, so I searched everywhere to find one. I liked that he posted his entire story because it made it easier to relate to where he was coming from, and how far he had come to get where he is today!

Me(BS). 23 Him(WS). 23
Together Since Jan.04, 2008
Got Engaged Aug. 13, 2012
D-Day July 2013 (He confessed 3 years later)
Married Jan. 04, 2014

"And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost"

Posts: 19 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

After all the help and support I've received from SI these past few months, I'm so glad to have a positive story to add.

My husband and I have been in R, and while things are going well I was anxious about our having to spend Thanksgiving apart. Long story - has to do with one of our kids attending an out-of-state camp over the holiday - the point is that on top of everything else that's happened this year, we're now spending a holiday apart for the first time and we're apart as a family.

The day after I put husband and child on the plane, I was getting ready in the morning and discovered a card hidden in my dresser drawer. It was from my husband, who had written a long note that came as close to baring his soul as he's ever done in all the years we've been together. If I were to write out everything one would want to hear from a fWH, all of those things were in this note...and it came at just the right time, when we were beginning a week apart. The "old" husband wouldn't have thought ahead to how he might do something nice for me while we were apart, nor would have have shared such personal both huge signs of how much has changed in our M.

And....the other day was the six-month anti-versary, which I didn't realize until I was falling asleep at night. I was absolutely thrilled to realize that after counting down the days and weeks since D-Day for months...I actually forgot this milestone!

D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Time to add another post here... Friday was the 2nd antiversary of Dday. The day came and went without a hitch. There was about a three minute conversation about how shitty that day was. The rest of the day was about how far we have come. Dday feels much more like a starting point than an ending point.

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, December 13th (Friday)

Just in love with my husband and family today. Feeling so grateful to both of us for being strong enough and willing to go through this for each other.

Merry merry.

me, BW: 35
FWH: 36
together 18 years, M 12 years
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 4 and 7

Posts: 529 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, December 15th (Sunday)

Was cleaning out some old emails and found this email from my BH from almost two years ago. It pretty much sums up our positive reconciliation story :

So I am sitting at my desk and thinking of the last 25 years of our life together. So many extreme events both good and bad and so many emotions both good and bad. The one constant through it all has been our love for each other. We battled the odds that were stacked against us from the beginning and came out on top.

In 73 days we will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in Jamaica, the place we began as us. I cant wait to just forget about everything and just take time to relax with the woman I love.

If I look at our life together like a book it would have 5 chapters

Chapter 1: The early years.

We were two kids living the life. We had our own place and we were so grown up. We painted and decorated our first place with such love and to us it was our castle.

A couple of years went by and then we started our family. We had it all, we were so much in love and had two beautiful healthy kids, who could ask for more?

Chapter 2: My selfish years

Looking back I can now see that I had everything and almost threw it all away. I was only thinking of myself back then. I think back then we both resented each other for different reasons. We had no tools to communicate our feelings or our needs to each other. I know we tried but we just didn’t know how to listen.

The funny thing is I never for one minute stopped loving you. You were on my mind always.

Chapter 3: Moving on

We worked through our problems the best we knew how and moved on in more than one way. First we rebuilt our marriage to the best of our capabilities. Then we literally moved. We took our family to the suburbs and ended up in ---------. At the time I thought we were in heaven. I remember loving coming home from work and feeling like I was on vacation. The first part of this chapter was great. We had a fresh start in a beautiful little town and our love was as strong as ever. Our two babies were doing great. What else could we ask for?

Then bam 9/11 hits us and turns our world upside down. It took a couple of years for me to recover emotionally from that.

Chapter 4: A living hell

This chapter starts with my mom getting sick and then passing away. The four of us took this real hard. She was a great mother to us and a wonderful grandmother to our kids.

The following year the bottom began to drop out. Although it would take two years for the bottom to completely fall out it had begun.

Looking back now I can see us growing apart and taking each other for granted. Not to mention the resentment that was growing.

Then that horrible day in August came that would change the landscape our lives forever.

How the hell do we recover from this? And to make matters worse we were having huge problems with our son.

By the end of this chapter we started to rebuild the foundation of our marriage with such tenacity. We were so motivated to fix what had been so badly broken. I truly believe that we succeeded in doing that.

Chapter 5: A new beginning--- on our way to a happy ending.

So we start this final chapter so much in love with each other. We both have a new found love and respect for one another

We watch our baby graduate and leave the nest.

We then buy a beautiful house in ----- and we are empty nesters so much in love with each other. I am so much enjoying this part of our lives.

This chapter is not over yet but one thing I know for sure is it will have a happy ending.

Happy Anniversary my love.

“Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of “you’re not alone.” ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 54906 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Thank you for this topic. Just over a year post DDay, wanting to stay in this marriage, but finding it hard. Positive stories help. Hope I will be able to post my own some day.

Me: BS 61
WH: 61
Married 40 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2013 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 196 | Registered: Dec 2013
New Member
Member # 41890
Question  Posted: 7:20 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Can anyone please give me some specific advice about how to make the transition from "just getting through each day" to having a relationship that we actually enjoy again? I think that I deserve better. D-Day was 1.5 yrs ago; affair was 1 1.5 years long, after 22 years of marriage. There seems to be very little emotional attachment. We went through counseling for a short while, and it did help but our insurance is terrible....I do not want to be the one to do the "heavy lifting" - I'll admit it.....I appreciate any specific pointers.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Hello suddenlysad, welcome to SI. There are a ton of people here who have a lot of experience navigating their way through this chaos. You will get many more responses by starting a new thread whenever you are ready. We are here to help.

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, January 10th (Friday)

An, your post was awesome

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4011 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Great post AN! I know when our bottom started falling out and I know when it got worse. We ignored too much for too long. Tired of that, I ran into the fire, he, on the other hand checked out. Then Dec, 6, 2012. It changed us forever and I believe for the better. Didn't see that last year at this time but I do now.

((suddenlysad)), Welcome to SI. I am sorry for your hurt. And no. You should NOT be doing all the heavy lifting.

As Chicho wrote, start a new post in Recon bc many are not likely to see this one in this particular thread.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3437 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, January 20th (Monday)

Just wanted to jump on and share my happy :)
We are almost at six months and doing so well.

It has been a very long and very difficult nightmare of a journey- but we are both working on putting each other first and speaking honestly everyday.
We smile more, we laugh more, we are accomplishing so much in our lives- together.
We are still fresh into this, but so far I am extremely hopeful and so excited at all of the positive changes I have seen in both of us.
It has been almost a month since I've had a "breakdown" (used to count the time between by hours or days).
We still talk about it, I still cry some, and not a day goes by that I don't think about it often- but we are stronger now- and he is showing me everyday that he is in this with me.

I look forward to my next update- may be a few months. I feel confident in our new journey.
As always, cautiously optimistic, but very much enjoying our happiness right now.

I wish everyone peace and happiness.

I have stopped pretending
Me- FBS 41
Him- FWS 38
16 years
2 DS- 14 and 16
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
full truth: November 14, 2013

Posts: 1066 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

Hello all,
My W's downward spiral began with a blow to her perceived value. It was a lay off at work. This was such a tremendous blow to her sense of self it started the walk toward Depression and her self-destructive thought processes, ending in the affair. Well this week, lay offs at work. Here comes the AXE, plus Grandmother in hospice making the slow walk to her demise.
Worried, you bet.
But not about family finances, or impact of layoff. But rather HER..
How do I know she is different, more capable?
She called to tell me she was terminated, could I watch our DS Thursday because she scheduled a emergency apt with IC. And she moved TOWARD me. Tears, frustrations, worries, hugs, kisses. She is different, She is more capable, She is protecting us , Herself, and focused on what's important. Our family.
Blessed to be in a different marriage with an authentic W.

BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2070 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 37523
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Just wanted to share at five years out that I am so blessed to be five years out (and with TWO remorseful partners) that it can be done: "New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth" - Thomas Hardy

If you have both partners 100% committed, it can work. But only then. Never settle for less.

Us: 50ish, madhatters, married 20 odd yrs
TT: May 2009 'til June
DDay for both: June 17, 2009
Me: 2x, same person, 1991
Him: 1.5 year PA (EA?) 2007-2009

Honey Badger don't care. - Randall

Posts: 386 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Flyover chic
Member # 34689
Shocked  Posted: 2:59 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

4 years of counseling came to a close just a few days ago.

We finally are comfortable (well, probably not completely comfortable but it is "doable") working on issues that arise together and my wife can do so without losing control emotionally.

This has been the hardest thing I have ever done, and I honestly don't think I could do it again.

But, my wife is "present" in our marriage in a way that she never was for many years, and truly is able to be more support than ever before.

The funny thing is, when the affair happened we were financially in a good place, we were finally getting established securely in our home, which was quite nice, although it was small, after 3 years. Things were "falling into place" after a lot of hard work, we were getting settled. I had time off from work, only worked 4 days a week, we had plenty of cash on hand and our credit cards were all payed off monthly. True, our kids were young and there were a lot of sleepless nights though. But the real secret was what I didn't know, what was hidden.

My wife was depressed, suicidal at times, and paranoid that I was going to leave her and the kids (all in secret of course). She was drinking in secret and smoking marijuana all in an effort to control her anxiety as her mental state spun out of control, which continued and led to the affair. She was embarrassed about sex and felt dirty every time we had sex, or at least the day after.

Now, we are much older, we are in financial turmoil and have been for years due to the real estate crisis and our not declaring bankruptcy when it hit, our home we live in is falling apart, literally (we have no kitchen floor other than the subfloor, the carpet is worn out with holes in it (probably 20 years old), we had to remove the flooring from three rooms because of a washing machine overflowing and cannot afford to replace them, the kitchen cabinets are literally falling apart, and simply cannot be fixed, we owe more on the home than it is worth, and we had a disastrous final quarter of 2013 in our business and we are now near bankruptcy, with our business and personal credit nearly maxed out...not quite but it is getting there. I'm working 5, 6, and even 7 days a week, sometimes up to 18 hours a day or more, in an effort to hold on until home prices recover so we don't lose all our property (which is our only retirement besides social security). Our kids are almost grown, two are adults and out of high school, one left home last year and moved back in when her relationship with her now ex-boyfriend ended, this was very hard on us both because he is extremely irresponsible, extreme might be putting it lightly.

But, my wife is not depressed...she is not suicidal...she is not paranoid that I am going to leave her...her anxiety is under control for the first time in ?forever?....she is not drinking in secret (in fact she quit altogether almost 4 years ago and hasn't had so much as a sip since)....she is not smoking marijuana in secret (or at all for that matter, having quite nearly 6 years ago even before our counseling started because she couldn't figure out what was happening to her), and she is here, really here, involved, not just "acting" or "faking" her involvement and zoning out when she gets the opportunity, and I can rely on her when things get tough, and she actually enjoys sex.

Wow, I guess that 20K in counseling was a good investment.

BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, February 14th (Friday)

10 years past the A and we truly celebrate each other and our love on Valentine's Day. We don't dwell in the painful memories or what happened. I am certainly mindful of how blessed I am that I can still call my H my Valentine and that he still considers me his. I came so close to throwing it all away out of my own pain and extreme selfishness. Through all of that, he stood beside me and believed in us. I do too. That's why on Valentine's Day 10 years later we look forward at how much good stuff is ahead. Blessings to you all tonight. R is possible... and all the work was worth it.

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23510 | Registered: May 2004
Member # 34023
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

It's been a long time since I posted here, but I wanted to share because I remember how much these stories gave me hope. It has been almost 2 1/2 years since Dday. We're still together, happier than before the A. It's not perfect, but I don't know of anything in the world that is. I rarely think of the pain anymore, and when I do it is with a detachment. It is truly something of the past. I thought that dark cloud would hang over us forever, but it really seems to be gone except on rare occasions. So have hope! Two people who want to get through this can do it, and you will be happy againno mmatter what!

BS - Me, 34
WS - Husband, 41
Married 5 years, together an eternity.
DDay - 9/13/11

"Well I've been had, yeah I guess that's how it looks. And it's not funny like on TV, and it's not smart like it is in books."

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Ohio
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, March 17th (Monday)

We just passed the year mark, and I finally decided on R. Little did I know that this is when the real work and healing takes place!

We know we can no longer hide our feelings. We both got so used to that over the years. More and more I see just how much I sacrificed by never speaking up about anything. I'd go along with anything to make life easier. But in the long run, all it causes is pain for both of us.

So we're trying radical honesty and trying to make all important decisions together. It feels a little exhausting, and hopefully it will get easier as we practice. I have to constantly check with myself to see if I'm really feeling this or if I'm hiding again.

I also feel closer to H than I ever have. I'm willing to go through the pain of inner growth for the feeling of not being completely alone in life. It's such a radically different marriage experience for us both.

After DDay, I kept wondering what healing wold look like. I couldn't imagine it. But now I can see it and it's amazing. I feel like I'm rediscovering who I am.

DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"It is an act of self-respect and preservation to not forgive."

Posts: 967 | Registered: Mar 2013
Ole Restart
Member # 3434
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

Wow! It's been a long time, since I was on here! Just thought that I'd 'play catch-up' for a minute.

My hubby has dementia and doesn't remember his A. at all, but that's okay in his case. I love him, unconditionally, and am grateful that I have him in my life!

We'll be celebrating 20 yrs. of "wedded bliss" on 1 June, 2014. Mind you, we'll go out to eat, and it will be just fine. He's not able to walk much at all; so, we use a wheel-chair access form of transportation which is costly ($100 RT). We need to get out of the house for something besides doctor's app'ts. and the ilk. On a fairly regular basis, we meet an older couple whom we've known for these past 20 years (hubby knew them long before I did). I try to help him by drawing his friends near him as often as possible.

The only down-side for him and me is that I just don't have any sexual feelings/desires one way or the other. I DO love my hubby more than "anybody in the whole world" as I tell him repeatedly. He tells me that he loves me about (what seems like) 50x a day! Yeah, that does get annoying, but he can't help it. I suppose that I just need to realize that I should enjoy hearing the words, ILY, because one day I won't be able to hear his voice say them; then, I'll wish that I hadn't said anything about the repetition!

Now, you know what our life is like these days. I love him (FWH) and am grateful for our togetherness. That's IT! I have providers who help me to take care of him; so that I may get out and relax/unwind/run errands every day of the week for 8 hrs.

Cheers, and know that the marriage can be made strong, again. It's up to the parties involved as to whether or not it gets reconciled. I couldn't imagine my life without Hubby. Here we are, about 11 years from d-day, and I'm happy!
ole restart

[This message edited by Ole Restart at 1:23 AM, March 30th (Sunday)]

Me: FBW, 63; He: FWH, 86.
Married: June 1, 1994.
Dday: 18 March, 2003.

Posts: 12896 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Texas
New Member
Member # 19256
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I haven't been here is a long time but I wanted to come back and share our story in hopes it may inspire others.

Today is our 6 year anniversary of D-day. I still get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think of that day. I remember so clearly how I told my husband that I was unfaithful. We had a really rough time moving forward but we were committed to each other and our marriage so we worked hard at recovery. We went to counseling and had faith-based help too. Those beginning days were especially hard as we both owned our parts in our broken relationship. Triggers were still touchy for a few years. It wasn't easy but it was so worth it. Today I actually had to remind my dear husband the significance of the day. Time does help to lessen the pain.

We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in January. We now understand how much a good marriage is truly worth because we had to fight for it and work for it. We are much stronger now than before the affair.

Best wishes for all of you on your path to healing, in whatever form that takes.

Me: WW, 44
BH, 48
DDay: 4-15-08

Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

Gerrygirl and I are fast approaching 21yrs of marriage. Not sure that we would have made it past about 14yrs if it hadn't been for SI.

As a WS, I fought against R for about 2yrs. Then I hit bottom and gerrygirl had found SI, so I signed up too. about 6-months later she discovered False-R, and that was the real rock bottom. But, she fought for R and for our M.

That was 2010. So I guess we are at 4yrs in R, and it was most definitely worth it.

After everything, it turns out that communication was the main problem (not the reason for the EA...). Even deeper than that though was the fear of communicating certain things. We both had this problem, and still do to some extent, but now we are able to get over our fears and communicate the tough issues. Part of communication is listening, and we've both become better listeners.

I love my wife. It is something that I lost site of a number of years ago. We are happy now though. We respect each other. We check in with each other. We look forward to seeing each other. We pick up the slack for each other when we need to. We know each others strengths. We trust each other.


WH - 46 (crap...)
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6114 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Tri-Cities
Member # 25379
Wink  Posted: 10:10 AM, April 28th (Monday)

It has been a long time since I have been here. I just want everyone to know that I and Hopelessromantic are still going strong and more in love than ever. Celebrating a birthday today and 5 years since my terrible indiscretion. In the past 5 years I have survived cancer and in remission now almost 3 years. And the most amazing thing to me is she never left my side through the whole terrible ordeal. Oh, don't get me wrong we still have our moments but they are positive for the most part. We both faced our demon a couple years ago and survived. So to those of you out there who have doubts it can work but it takes a LOT of work and COMMUNICATION and the most important things are LOVE and UNDERSTANDING. Forgiveness will come but it take a long time. So stick with it and don't give up, your life will be better for it

FWH (me)
BW (hopelessromantic)
Dday 5/03/09 TT til 6/22/09

Posts: 103 | Registered: Sep 2009
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, April 28th (Monday)

A Reconciliation Story:

I wanted to put a summary post here, in hopes that it might be an encouragement to other Betrayeds pursuing Reconciliation with a truly remorseful Wayward spouse. (I am sorry in advance if this grieves anyone stuck with an unremorseful Wayward.)


I am more than a decade past my wife's brief affair. It was the darkest chapter of either of our lives-- a period in which she became an entirely different (and frankly pretty awful) woman.

A partial discovery on my part led to our separation for the better part of the year-- and elicited TT confessions of an emotional affair from her. (I wanted so desperately to believe that-- and yet I was consumed with paranoia, rage and suicidal temptations-- so certain was I that she was lying.)

She ended her affair after my separation-- and spent those months growing more and more horrified and disgusted with herself, promising God and herself she'd never stray again. But she refused to confess the full truth to me-- knowing that I'd divorce her before she had a chance to prove to me and herself that she really could be the best wife in the world.

Her prayers grew more desperate, asking God to forgive her, to give her a second chance, to give her a sign, something!-- yet they only made her feel further from Him.

Five months in, she was called up for Jury Duty on a drug possession with intent to distribute offensive-- and she and 11 other people voted to send another man, who'd confessed his guilt and asked for leniency, to prison.

This and many other small encounters with crime and punishment, guilt and confession, finally led her to confess the full truth to me in my apartment. She barely got through it-- choking on her sobs-- and asked not for a second chance, because she knew I wouldn't grant it now that I knew the full truth. She said, "I know you're going to leave me, and hate me, and I deserve both and so much worse. But please, please tell me that one day you might forgive me. I don't have the right to ask it, but I just need it so badly."

I threw her out. Called my family. My brother counseled divorce- my parents said they support whatever I choice I made. I went to bed weeping and praying and screaming until I finally had nothing left.

And the next morning, I woke up to a jarring thought- almost spoken out loud in my skull. "You are forgiven, and you can forgive. You can do it. You can."

I called her back to my apartment-- and she came through the door, ready for divorce papers, rants and the rest. And I looked at her and said, through tears, "I don't know how to do this. But I forgive you. And I'll stay with you."

She collapsed on couch, just sobbing so hard she couldn't talk for five minutes. And when she finally could, she said, "I will never forget this feeling. I've never, ever seen this kind of love before and I know I don't deserve it. But I will spend the rest of my life trying to earn it. I know you can't trust me now, but I will never, ever hurt you, or give you a reason to doubt me again. Ever."

Our new marriage started that day, in the wreckage of the old. And she's kept her promise, and became a better wife than any that I know. Though Reconciliation took years, and was full of all the usual pains, forgiving her was the best decision I've ever made. And choosing it, and loving her, has made me a better man, and made me happier than any husband I know.

I hope the same for anyone reading this.

John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)

I think it is time that I add my story to the this wonderful list and hope that others will find some comfort in knowing something good could emerge from something so horrible as infidelity.

As our MC explained to me, my FWW's situation was "the perfect storm" where depression, mid-life crisis issues, lack of good boundaries and relationship issues with her father all met at once. My WW has suffered from depression for several years and takes medication daily. I had never known her to be very depressed as the medicine kept her in check but last winter she fell into a deep depression and never told me about the darkness which had come into her life. And she didn't tell me that she wasn't happy with any aspect of her life due to the depression either. She had traveled with her father to his annual Viet Nam reunion where several of the veterans attended along with their children. The OM was the son of one of the veterans. After the reunion in 2012, the OM befriended my W on FB and started sending her PMs. He is single and lives 2000 miles away. These PM's accelerated and soon there were text messages and phone calls and it became a long distance EA for my WW which turned into a weekend PA at the reunion in 2013. The EA & PA was one way as the OM had no intention of having any sort of relationship, his sole motivation was to have sex with her. She is a beautiful and smart woman and way out of his league. She was attracted to him because he paid attention to her in her time of vulnerability. Of course she made a horrible decision to allow him to continue his advances and is equally to blame.

About a week after she returned home, her mind was spinning out of control and her conscious was eating her alive. She made an appointment to see her therapist and he told her that the only hope in saving her marriage was to come clean and tell me. So that evening she came home and confessed it all. To say I was crushed and devastated would be an understatement. The pain was the worst I had ever endured and I was a complete wreck for several months. We had a very good marriage, a brand new dream home, great careers, success, happiness and two wonderful young children. We were seemingly living the American dream and I did everything in my ability to always focus on her and to make her happy. And yet, somehow it was not enough and she still cheated. It was the most heartless, selfish, hateful thing she could have done to me and it is still unbelievable that she did such a thing to jeopardize everything in her world. I did not believe she was capable of doing such a thing and blindly trusted her.

Now I was forced to make a choice. R or D? I was on the fence for a while and spent much time praying and eventually decided to try R. My WW was extremely remorseful, apologetic and ashamed about her horrible choices from D-Day forward. She was completely honest and answered every question and frequently apologized and tried to comfort me every day. I guess if there is such a thing as a model WS then she was and it helped tremendously.

Our MC helped us both very much and we are still going to see him monthly. He identified one problem in our marriage which we both needed work on which was to open up more with each other; for both of us to be better communicators and not to hold in problems. We have both worked on this and our marriage is now well on its way to being better and stronger than ever before. I just hate the fact that it took an A to realize that we needed to improve our communication skills. We have always tried to carve out time for just the two of us but now have pledged to have weekend getaways about once a quarter and we have really enjoyed these little trips immensely.

It has now been a year since D-day and it is still a struggle for me some days. I think about it every day but the sting is gone and my heart does not race when the thoughts come. I have accepted that it happened and have forgiven her and she is so happy to know that she has been given a second chance. I hope that somebody will realize from my story that there is real hope and R is possible but it is not an easy road and there are many potholes and detours along the way. I would have never thought it possible that we would actually be in such a good place only a year later. God Bless!

Posts: 583 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 16th (Friday)

I realized this post truly belonged here to offer hope and help others on this ride. Mods...feel free to delete or lock other posting as necessary

During the last week, we had another family member’s serious health scare (hence my last posting), it gave us time to think. A second time this year where someone close to us was ill. I think someone above was pointing out to us that we need to stop and reflect on the path. Time we needed to process so much that has happened over the last few years. Meditation and yoga are a wonderful thing.

As it is said, over and over on SI….3-5 years is the norm. This is so true. It takes time. I know it is a dreaded 4-letter word, but time is one of the major keys. The path to full healing is not a straight line; it is indeed a rollercoaster. Enjoy the highs, because you will need to cling to those during the lows. It took a long time to realize that. A very long time. But I understand the path now. The highs and lows now are not as extreme as they were a year or two ago. It takes time to rebuild what was lost so we don’t swing to either extreme as wildly.

Once my H finally took ownership of his brokenness and finally addressed ALL the demons, things changed. It took him so much time to finally agree to get help. I had to do some ‘toughlove’ and draw the proverbial line in the sand. I needed to heal myself completely. I needed time to finally realize that I had to be ready to just walk away knowing I did all I could to save our M. As I could not continue to cycle up and down due to his not addressing his issues fully. I had gotten as far as I could go. I was in a perpetual loop as he had not addressed what was broken inside him. If we were to move forward, it was his move or my checkmate. He decided that he was not ready to throw in the towel, and made the move I wish he had made two years ago. (We can bring the horse to water, but it is up to it to drink, it just takes a while sometimes to realize it is thirsty.) Once he did this, the AP became a non-existent human being to us both. That weight around his neck that threatened to drown him and I, was dropped to the bottom of the ocean. Because in the end, this person was/is nothing, nothing more than a part of and reflection of the sickness and what was broken in him. Once he was ready to truly face what was broken inside himself, true and complete healing truly started for him.

Then this last week his eyes were opened up in a whole different way, when a family member’s words mirrored his during the initial fallout of the A. The words, the lack of being anywhere near rationale…well…it severely hit him. Probably did more than anything either I or our counselor have ever been able to say. I realized that once and for all, he truly “got it”. One evening during all of this we had some time together and he just out of the blue stated “I really was ‘that’ sick, wasn’t I?” I told him yes. I told him that even at the time of our initial MC sessions, as angry as I was, my first thought was still of him. That something was very wrong with his perceptions and rationale when he was answering questions. He is intelligent and rational, and everything he did and said at that time went against that in him. I was worried for him, worried what he may do to himself at that point. He was that far down the rabbit hole that all of his perceptions of his life were so completely skewed. Even at the moments after impact. It was the strong bond that we have had all these years that still had me worried about him at that point. I could not walk away or make any decision until I knew he was at least ok….it was just something I felt I needed to do at that point. No matter if we R or D.

We spoke about brokenness. That we as humans seek like company. It is part of our social makeup, instinct over many millenniums to our species. Our friends are a lot like us if we stop to really think about it. We look to what mirrors us at different times in our lives. He was afraid at the time to discuss any brokenness he was feeling with me, as he perceived it as a sign of weakness and men are not suppose to be weak, they don’t cry, they hold it in, they are suppose to be strong enough to handle it all (FOO issue). So when H was at a ‘broken’ time in his life, well ‘broken’ sought him and together there was brokenness. This was the realization that almost destroyed him once the fog lifted. The veil of it was gone, and he saw in the true light of day what he had done, the nuclear impact, and the full scope and landscape of it all. Impacts that lasted years, and continue in small ways to impact our lives still. It took him a very long to finally realize and accept the fact that he needed to completely address this in a healthy way. He is still to this day so amazed that I did not walk away, that I stayed strapped into the rollercoaster and rode it through with him. (Talk about an e-ticket) Many times he said it probably would have been easier for me if I had walked away, that he would understand and never hold it against me, as what he did was just so unforgivable. But I love this man, I loved our life together, I was not willing to give it all up without a proverbial fight.

Was this road easy? Not by ANY stretch of the imagination. R is some very difficult work. (insert sarcasm). There have been serious ups and downs. Times where missteps were taken by both of us, words misconstrued, trust issues, TT, health scare due to STD, etc…you name it….we went through some difficult things. But guess what??

We are still here.
We are still together.
We still laugh
We still enjoy each other
We are making wonderful future plans
We are happy!!

DDay 9/2011
4-6 months of TT'ing
11/2012- Thanks for the HPV!!!
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects"-Dalai Lama

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
New Member
Member # 42153
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, May 16th (Friday)

this is my first post on si although i'm very familiar with its husband has been reading and posting for a year and a half and has sent lots of material for me to read via email and text.
more then a year and a half(20 months) ago my husband found out about a five year emotional/physical affair i had been having .at first there was lies and lots of are now both in individual therapy and marraige counciling.
we have learned alot about ourselves and our relationship and i still dig deep within myself to come to grips with what it was about me that made me do what i i almost threw away a marraige of 15years and cause so much trauma to my family.
we now have a better relationship then we ever did and i know with hard work the changes we have both made in our selves(and continue to make)will be so rewarding.
i have four beatiful children that i continue to work on my realationship with as i know they have been devastated by my actions as well.
i thank god everyday for my second chance and pray for the day my husband can find forgivness and peace with us.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: MrsYaka
Member # 40944
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

My husband and I recently went to a marriage intensive therapy seminar that was a weekend long and I cannot say enough good things about it. We have been doing so much better a year later but this seminar really helped us to move further ahead. We learned great strategies like how to effectively apologize and forgive. I'm so glad there is a form for success stories out here. Everyday we grow closer and closer. We have both changed for the better.

Married in 2003
Dday sept 26 2013
3 children
Working on R

Posts: 64 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 13894
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

So many stories of inspiration are shared on this thread. I haven't been in to this site in longer than I can remember. Then I heard a song today (In Another's Eye's- Garth Brooks) and it brought back some memories. The one thing that stood out was that I didn't feel pain, hurt or sorrow when it played. It used to spin me into a tornado of emotions. Rather I kinda smiled and thought about how far we've come. I then remembered this site and I honestly think this group of people helped me through some of my darkest moments!

I am sitting here trying to remember exactly how long ago it happened and I think it was 7 yrs ago?? Crazy that I can't remember anymore when I used to know the months,days, hours, ect.

I was fortunate (if you can call it that) in that I had a spouse who was ridden with remorse and wanted nothing more than to not lose our marriage. He was struggling with depression at that time and when he finally sought treatment what he had done in the preceding months surfaced and he came clean to me (I had no clue!). Something that I can now look back on and imagine was incredibly difficult for him to do. I can't imagine the fear and anxiety he must of felt knowing he was going to come out with something that would shatter our world.

Once I found out I realized all the signs were there in front of me down to the cell phone bill I looked at every month itemizing the 100's of texts and phone calls to one another. I never noticed or paid attention.

My husband and I really worked hard at rebuilding our marriage. We had to work through not only the damage done by his cheating but during the 18 months of depression we had grown so far apart and he had become borderline "mean" during that time. He was nothing like the man I had known and loved.

I look back now and I know our marriage is better and stronger. I can honestly say, I don't know if I'd change anything that happened. I am one of those people that believes everything happens for a reason. We had a good marriage before all occurred but the process of healing and rebuilding took our marriage to an entirely new level that I didn't even know it could. I would say we now have a great marriage. We finally learned what communication really meant. We learned it was safe and really open up with each other.

There came a point that I had forgiven him and I think that was around the 18 month- 2 year mark. What I didn't realize a first is that forgiveness didn't mean I trusted him completely again. That part confused me. He was being everything you could ask for and I didn't understand why I still couldn't trust him 100%.

That I found, just took time. I can say today that I do fully trust him. I believe he would never hurt me again. The only thing that bothers me still is that I know he never forgave himself. He never will do that. He has moved well past and doesn't dwell on it. I know him though and I know deep down inside there is still a piece of shame he carries for what he did.

We don't talk about it anymore, there is nothing left to say about it. We are in a different place now. While it's something we'll never forget it's something that doesn't hurt anymore.

For each person new in this "club" I know the pain is intense right now. You don't know if things will ever be the same. The truth is, they won't. You will be a different person who has changed in some way because of going through this. Your relationship will be different too. I can only hope for each of you those changes are all for the better. I believe the changes because of this in me, my husband and our marriage are all for the better. Everything takes time and I think that is the hardest part.

The #1 lesson I learned that I would share is NEVER-EVER throw the infidelity out there in anger just to "stick it to the other person". It was REALLY, REALLY hard at times to bite me tongue. I just made the promise to myself on day 1 of reconciliation that I wouldn't turn everything into a "but you cheated" battle. There would be times to talk about it (and you have to) and the feelings that were occurring. However there also had to be time "away from it". So at the beginning we'd set activities that were just about us and spending time together and not rehashing what occurred. That was very helpful at the start to be able to "take a break" from the pain and even in some ways reality for a moment.

Posts: 719 | Registered: Mar 2007
Member # 32007
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)

It happens, you stop triggering all the time and you start getting on with things. You probably don't ever forget but when you remember it just doesn't hurt anymore. Yes, I know if you are in the thick of it you can't believe this is true but it is. You will stop feeling sick in the mornings. You will be able to watch a love scene in a movie without triggering. You will be able to be friends with people with the same name as the OW or OM. You will trust. You won't want revenge anymore. You can't even be bothered to wish the OW/OM any ill will. You might even pity them a little.

It's been 4 and a half years since D-Day. My life is immeasurably better now compared to what I thought was the ideal life before. We are closer and so much more grown off. And to top it off we have two beautiful children.

May 2014 - haven't needed to log on for over two years now!

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: UK
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)

I love these success stories!

We are in R after my husband's sort of ons. Long story. After 18 months, I thought I'd be 'over it.' So I thought I was abnormal to be taking so long. After all, he is doing everything in his power to earn back my respect and love. He is deeply ashamed and so embarrassed. We haven't shared this with anyone so not having an outlet was making me feel as if I'd explode!

It helps me to hear that people have felt this betrayal and have eventually let it go so they can be happy again. I love my husband but hate where he has put us.

I hear here that time is a healer and love. Without love, I don't know if I could be here :)

Thank you for sharing your successes!

Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jun 2014
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 13th (Friday)

I've been on this site approx. 2 months and today is the first time I've been on this forum. I just didn't know if I was ready to read success stories or not! I believe I was afraid to have HOPE, REAL HOPE, Hope that I could eventually forgive my H, Hope that someday I would be happy and feel "normal" again, there are just so many HOPE's out there! But I am so happy to say that because I read these stories today, for the first time in 8 months, I really do have REAL HOPE that it's all going to be okay! My FWH has been SO good in helping me with recovery and healing, yet my heart has stayed so guarded that I wasn't sure I COULD move on! Today, I'm ready! Thank you all so much for sharing your very personal stories with us! Blessings to ALL on this site!

2 DS:2 D Grandchildren
"Life is a journey, travel with Care "...Me 🙈🙉🙊"Life is not a dress rehearsal, make the ONE you have count"....Me

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Never Neverland
Member # 43691
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

Thanks for sharing your positive stories

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2014
Member # 8296
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

I just want to say that reconciliation is incredibly difficult, but I'm optimistic to think we are a success story. You can see from my profile that my first D-day was almost 10 years ago! My second/lesser D-day was 5 years ago.

And it is probably only within the last two years that I would say things are really good again. After the second D-day, my husband went into a lot of very intensive therapy, at his choosing. Therapy in a way that had not occurred the first time. The first D-day we were reactive and bandaid mode - can we/should we save this marriage? By the time we got done with that, I think we were both too emotionally exhausted to do anything else. And that worked..... for a while. Until the old personal issues came up again, and it led to the second incident.

Anyway - I can't sugar coat this.... At ten years, I can still get sad, although very, very rarely. I don't really trigger like I used to, although I went through EMDR therapy to help with that. We can talk about it, refer to it, acknowledge that it happened without crying. But we don't, because we don't need to. We know it happened, and we know that it was a terrible thing.

But..... notice the "we" - We are definitely a "we"

We talk. We're not afraid to get our therapist involved at the slightest hint of something. He still sees her somewhat regularly (which is a good thing!) even though she has "graduated" him. It makes him feel better. We look at our friends and can see where they have weaknesses in their boundaries or in their marriages, and we, as a couple, decide whether to include them in our friend circle, or decide if it is not worth it. We try to keep our circle positive with people working on positive marriages.

But we are most definitely a team. And I think in comparison to a lot of people, we have a pretty good marriage, despite everything we have been through.

For those of you in the six month highs or the two year lows or someplace in between.... It can work, and it can be better than where the relationship is going. It is not easy, on either side and (I can't stress this enough) it takes A LOT OF TIME. I am not one for "forgiveness" on this item - but I am one for acceptance. I can't change what happened, and I can only control how I deal with it. Being angry all the time hurts me, not him. Being sad all the time hurts me, not him.

It is only now, after almost 10 years that I felt comfortable writing this. I'm pretty sure my H would be happy to see it, although I really doubt he comes back here anymore. I know I'm happy to write it.

my husband and I are sole mates. we wear the same size shoes.

Posts: 1314 | Registered: Sep 2005
looking forward
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, July 25th (Friday)

More than 5 years since DDay #2; 27 years from DDay #1.....lived a lie all that time, from 1987 to 2009. My descent into alcoholism (sober 1915 days today), poor communication on both our parts, desperation on both our parts to keep the marriage together but without the truth.
We still struggle, but there are more happy days than bad ones. We both think of the past every day; but I hope this will lessen in time.
On Mother's Day, my H surprised me with a gift.

...and on our 42nd anniversary, we exchanged cards, and enjoyed lunch at our favourite restaurant the next day. This is us back in February at our favourite beach restaurant in Negril, our annual winter two week getaway.

.....and last night I booked our return trip next February.

[This message edited by looking forward at 11:26 PM, July 25th (Friday)]

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow. Together more than 49 years.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 3197 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

"Thank you all for sharing, it can feel like losing your mind at so many stages of reconciliation and doubt is so terrifying. "

I read this and it resonated with me. I am 20 months out from DD and got the truth all at once through his own confession. The days where it completely hijacks me and steals my days are getting fewer and fewer. I, too, have days where doubt and indecision about whether I'm doing the right thing seem to grip me but there are many days where I can see a light at the end of this terribly dark tunnel.

Hang in there everyone. Your stories inspire me and I hope to be in complete R someday and be a light for you all reading here.

Keep the inspiring stories coming!!


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jun 2014
New Member
Member # 44666
Happy  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 26th (Tuesday)

We are 20 months into our marriage renewal. It's not always easy, but it is always good. Every time she hurts, it provides an opportunity for me to lovingly put the pieces of her heart back together. IThankfully, God loves a prodigal and my amazing wife loving and graciously accepted me in spite of my betrayal. Some days might be one step forward and two steps back, but we work through it together.

Hang in there folks. Hearts can change. Love and trust can be restored. Like the mythological phoenix, your marriage can emerge from the ashes refreshed and recharged!!

*Please do not solicit your products/blogs.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:44 PM, August 26th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2014
New Member
Member # 44746
Content  Posted: 1:48 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

I have been reading threads on this site for several days, and this forum on reconciliation has been the most helpful and encouraging so far. I am so relieved to hear uplifting stories of people who have made it through the storm with their marriages intact. It is exactly the pick-me-up I've been looking for, seeing these stories and finding HOPE that maybe OUR marriage can survive.

I chose "Looking4myHeart" as a username, because I can honestly say that it felt like my heart was ripped out 2 years ago and I have been walking around like the TinMan aimlessly looking for it.

I won't go into a long-winded account of how our marriage self-destructed two years ago, but to keep it simple, my husband had a covert texting/flirting EA with a waitress at a place he frequently visited on the lunch hour. She pursued him with a vengeance, even after I found the texting evidence and the whole EA came to light.

Then 6 months ago, she stalked me and our daughters on Facebook and a whole lot of other clues came out, including a picture with my husband kissing her on the forehead, and the PA was revealed shortly after. Needless to say, the ugly truth all came out, and like MANY stories I've read here, when the affair is finally scrutinized in the light of day, and the guilt kicks in, the affair isn't all that 'grand' anymore. He ended it…not without some big fireworks when the OW made a huge scene in front of two of our kids, sadly.

Lots of hard, tearful conversations later, my husband and I are working on this and making significant progress. He has been so loving and caring these last couple of months. We are still separated (after him leaving in Oct 2013), but we see each other every day for the sake of our four kids. I will say he has been Wonder Dad since everything happened. He is trying so hard to make up for lost time. He tells me every single night before he leaves that he loves me, and his hugs are so very tender and genuine now. (For years I got an eye-roll and an obligatory hug…so his REAL hugs mean the world to me now.)

I have done sooooo much self-reflection in the last six months, read about a dozen books, went to counseling both with a marriage counselor and my pastor, went to doctor and in humiliating fashion requested STD testing and anti-depressants. Gotta admit, taking care of ME FIRST was extremely good advice. I've now lost 36 pounds and am finally back in the same fitness/weight range as my college years.

I know with faith and patience and lots of TLC and forgiveness, we will eventually have a healthy marriage again. I love my husband beyond words - never did stop or question loving him even at our lowest. It's been the most difficult tragedy we've ever faced (and believe me, we've had several other traumas/deaths that were NOT as hard as this betrayal) but I know with God's help and guidance, we are definitely going to survive.

THANK YOU so much, SI, for being here for all of us betrayed spouses. This website has given me an emotional boost - crucial to my maintaining some kind of optimism. God bless all you other ladies and gentlemen out there who are struggling - DON'T GIVE UP!

"Yet each man kills the thing he loves; by each let this be heard: some do it with a bitter look, some with a flattering word. The coward does it with a kiss; the brave man, with a sword." - Oscar Wilde

Posts: 42 | Registered: Sep 2014
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

Great input CopingGirl and Looking Forward - and congrats on your sobriety too. That is wonderful!

Continued peace and growth and grace to all of you.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3437 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
New Member
Member # 39861
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, September 18th (Thursday)

We are renewing our marriage vows tomorrow, which is our 27th anniversary. We have spent the last 14 months in counseling - both marriage and personal.

It has been a long but fruitful journey with lots of hurts but also lots of joy along the way.

Our relationship is the best its ever been and I personally have grown so much during this time that I can't even begin to describe.

We as a couple are blessed by God, our friends, family, and an incredibly caring group of counselors. I am blessed by the most wonderful woman in the world - my wife - to whom I am completely committed to in all ways for the rest of our lives.

I am a rebuilding man - a work in progress

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Stow
Member # 41146
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, September 28th (Sunday)

We are 1.5years past my full brutal confession. While many feel it is too soon to count as a success story we are our own people on our own timeline. Everyday he is still beside me, loving me, is a success story. Of course not having an affair is a better choice... If you went down that road full confession has an amazing power to it.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, October 6th (Monday)

1 year "Antiversary" and no tears...

I posted this in the Reconciliation general are first, but just realized, it really belongs here.

I was ready....ready for the emotional roller coaster to start up again, ready for the sobbing and the crushing pain, ready for the DDay anniversary devastation I have read SO much about on here. The whole week prior to DDay is really a mine field of mini anniversaries of "DDay precursors" and I was dreading it. I had talked about it with H numerous times, and in MC.

I had some trouble over the summer a few times(affair was late June until DDay Sep 20th)thinking about what was going on last year at that time. We have been working hard at R and I believe we are doing well. I haven't found one thing in the last year to make me think he isn't 100% in it, and he does everything he can to make me feel better.

SO I was really getting nervous, thinking about the date coming up. Weeks ago I started getting anxious. I began telling myself that rather than think about it as a reminder of what happened, I was going to try to use it as a "It's now been a YEAR, on WHOLE YEAR, every day on the calendar, since he was betraying me. After Sep 20th, I could say to myself "THIS time last year, the A was over. Then every day for the rest of time, I can look back and say "this day last year"...and there will be nothing to do with affair.

My H bday is the 17th and we were going to do something that weekend (20th, DDay). He suggested that instead we go visit our daughter at college. She is our youngest, and a freshman out of state. We were missing her, and so we went to visit for the weekend. I worried at first because I though I might be a total mess, and didn't want her to see anything. Then I thought that the 5 hour drive might be a good time for H and I to TALK. (The word "talk" now has 2 meanings at our house. The normal one, and the "you know what I want to talk about talk")

H admitted later that he planned the trip thinking that having something positive to distract me on this day would help, and I guess it did. I didn't even think about it being DDay until I had gotten up, gotten ready, and we were 30 minutes down the road. That probably wouldn't sound like any big deal to someone who has never gone through this, but to me that is monumental. I remember months of wondering if I would ever again be able to wake up and NOT think of the A before I even opened my eyes.

I though about "talking" on the way, but decided I really didn't feel the need so much, and I'd rather not get all upset before I saw my daughter. I did bring it up shortly before we got there, and we talked for about 15 minutes, but nothing major. I just didn't have the desire to delve into it.

So no tears, no sobs, no devastation. A sadness, and a desire to have the day be over. I think part of me felt like I was SUPPOSED to feel awful, and cry and fall apart. That seems to be what usually happens. But I didn't. The day passed. We had a really nice weekend with our daughter. It was non-eventful.


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 43
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 25, DS, 18 DD, 17 (On DDay)
Currently in R

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin

Posts: 328 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
Member # 45208
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)

Since this thread is for positive reconciliation stories, I will leave the negatives for another thread. We have been hyper bonding for a month and this has brought us closer than we have been in years. My SO has also taken stock of all of his unfair treatment of me including his infidelity and has proven that he is on a mission to make it all up to me. He has been pampering and spoiling me. I've had foot massages, breakfast in bed, roses, and so on. He voluntarily gave me access to his call logs and is quick to embrace me when I have a crying spell. He has also cried with me and without me on occasion. Every morning he apologizes to me and tells me he will not give up until he has earned my trust and love again. For the first time in our ten years together, he lets me yell at him and express my anger without shutting me off. Previously he would just go to bed and leave me there with unexpressed anger. Now I get to shout and he listens, faces it with shame and regret.

Posts: 150 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: hollywood, Florida
Member # 44564
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, November 6th (Thursday)


You said you did EMDR, I am too doing that. I have extreme obsessive thoughts/visuals that just consume my every thought. Did you find it worked for you? I'm on session 7 and i don't find any difference yet. Of course I was hoping for a miracle but there isn't one. I'm constant anxiety medication to keep my calmer cuz these episodes hit so often.
Your story encourages me, I'm only 3 months out & I just feel like I struggle so much. We have good moments but always with anxiety. Some days are still horrible, crying, yelling, telling her I want her to leave. It's awful. I just want to be over the rollercoaster & hurt. I've read 4 books, seeing 2 counselors, taking anti-depressants & anti-anxiety meds, I don't know what else to do. I know i love her but have so much anger & hurt.

Partnered: 11 years
Me(female): 41
Her: 35
Dday: Aug 7, 2014 (one time event in June 2014)
Working on reconciliation.

Facing the most pain I've ever endured but will persevere no matter where that takes me.

Posts: 371 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: PA - Currently La La Land
Member # 44976
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, November 7th (Friday)


Good to read your post. Like you were, I am approaching DDay next week. Thinking it may be a rough week ahead, but hoping for the best. Our R is going well but I still have my really rough patches. fWH is doing everything in his power to make it up to me, but thoughts and images of 2.5 yr A still kicks me in the gut at times. I hope I can write a post like you - that things went OK, no major breakdowns. I am so willing to let go of the past but I just can't seem to forget. No IC, just reading a lot on the internet and focusing on the good. We have worked on our M and things are going really well. Better than in a long, long time. Like you, I want to get past the thought of, "last year at this time he was....". I hope that this is the case. Fingers crossed....

Healing,in R
Married 38 years now, grown children
DD: 11/14/13,EA PA,TT
DD2: 9/12/14 found out LTPA of 2.5 yrs
Age 61. Yikes!

Posts: 549 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: Ohio
Member # 45537
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, November 7th (Friday)

New to the forum and I pray to be posting in this topic ! First MC session today together. He has been once on is own and once in IC.

4 weeks since DD
Please KeepPosting these positive stories , I really need them !

[This message edited by intheblinkofaney at 11:22 AM, November 7th (Friday)]

You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts
10-12-14 D-Day
3-24-15 Giving R a chance

Posts: 601 | Registered: Nov 2014
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, November 27th (Thursday)

I know we're not supposed to erase posts, but I do feel uncomfortable that I have a post in this thread.

I am so much happier and more at peace since our separation. I hope for whatever is right and best for healing for everyone.

DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"It is an act of self-respect and preservation to not forgive."

Posts: 967 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 43590
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, December 13th (Saturday)

We are about to close out our second year of R and domestic partnership. Not sure we'll marry again, seems so hollow, but taxes and health care and all...anyway, not sure.

WW and I were talking in bed last night, no sex, but lots of touching and hand holding. Uncharacteristically, she turned to me and told me she is fully aware of how lucky she and her daughter are to have me and how much she is thankful we are in R.

Her AP was a man from her past that has always known which buttons to push to get her loaded and in the sack, but he is gone for good, married to another idiot up north. Now she just has to do the hard work of changing her demeanor and behavior in public. Before the A, I thought nothing of how popular she was, how well-like by both genders, and her long term friendships with both. In light of the A, she can no longer behave like that, and it's hard (we're both heavily tattooed and stared at a lot) for her to lose that "Scarlett and her Suitors" feeling when we are out. Before the A I thought it was cute and funny, since she was going home with me. Now, of course, she can never behave like that again. And she's trying to be more stand offish and cling to her man in public. Her friends have commented on it.

I'll call that a win.

M in 2005
DS born in 2008
Me BH 52
She WW 42
1st D Day 5-2-2012
2nd D Day 5-4-2013
Separated 6-2012
Divorced 9-11-2012
"Reconciled" 7-1-2013
Finally called it quits 2-7-2015
7 y.o. son
15 y.o. xSD who hates ME now

Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South
Member # 42835
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, December 14th (Sunday)

Yesterday, for reasons I can't comprehend, I went "pain shopping" and it ruined my day. But my WH was strong and stable and supportive. We talked a lot, he didn't get defensive, we both cried, he took full and total responsibility for what he'd done and acknowledged that he could never make it up to me but he would spend his whole life trying.

I felt and feel very grateful for that. It's not easy for him, either, and when he stays in control and expresses his remorse to thoroughly, I feel so much more hope for us.

Posts: 182 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
New Member
Member # 31621
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, December 17th (Wednesday)

4 Years ago I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I've been working since then to become a better person and show my wonderful wife that she is the center of my universe! I am thankful for everyday I get to be a better person for her and myself.

I love you Jrazz.

[This message edited by CRazz at 11:17 PM, December 17th (Wednesday)]

Me(32): FWH
Jrazz(34): BS
DDay: Dec 17, 2010
Gorgeous, amazing DD3.5
R. Small steps forward is still progress!

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday)

Not a lot of action in this thread. I wanted to read some positive stories, but have seen all the significant ones here already.

So, I want to add to it. It's tough to identify as a positive story, but I think most of us should be on here.

This week I have been incredibly ill due to a terrible reaction to antibiotics taken for strep throat. I have been vomiting and other unpleasant things while prepping for Christmas with a 3 and 6 year old. It's been rough. When times get tough like this, I find it harder to stay positive. I find myself drifting to thoughts of what my H was doing with another when I was sick like this before, or what it would be like if I was alone as a parent. I feel extremely emotional and seek out comfort.

So, here's my comfort for myself; I'm here, my family is here, we are making it, we are problem solving together, our children are well cared for, loved, and secure. I love and am loved. I say, (to myself mostly) stop questioning the love! Stop comparing, stop wondering if this love is right, what other feelings are possible. Just look at the love that lives in my life. It's beautiful, it's amazing, and it's real. It may not be full of movie-passionate making out while I empty my stomach into the toilet - but who the fuck wants that anyway. Not me.

I want to be with a partner that knows it all. I want to feel my own love expand as I care for my partner when he is unable to, and feel the love burst as we really, I mean REALLY, co-parent our children in an open, honest and tender way. The truth is, that's the love I live in right now, and I am so lucky to have it. So is my partner, so are my babies. My family is amazing, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else on earth, not even as sick as I feel.

Mine is a real life love story. That's my joy today. Merry Christmas.

me, BW: 35
FWH: 36
together 18 years, M 12 years
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 4 and 7

Posts: 529 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday)

Thank you to all who share here, it means so much to so many. I wish all of you continued love and happiness.

Me: BS, 46
Him: WH, 47
Together 24 years
4 amazing kids
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Choosing myself daily and R almost every day

Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 45537
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, December 26th (Friday)

I think there are tons more positive recon stories so don't get discouraged eachday.

I read tons on the Reconciliation forum that definitely should be on here too.

I have replied to some telling them that they should post if here also.

I hope this thread continues to grow!

You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts
10-12-14 D-Day
3-24-15 Giving R a chance

Posts: 601 | Registered: Nov 2014
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, January 3rd (Saturday)

3 years and 3 months ago, my world came crashing down around me. I found out that my h was not the man I believed him to be. The man that I had been with since I was 19 (30 years) was a masterful liar. He would do anything behind his wife's back. He wanted to appear to me like an honorable man, but he basically was a sham.
I think back to our teaching our kids the importance of honesty in their younger years, well...

I didn't know where to start, he confessed on dd after having a full blown nervous breakdown while I was at work. He was remorseful immediately, I know now that he was so screwed up that he didn't know what he wanted, but he held on that day to me and our m. He was kind and never belittled me in those early days, for this I am grateful. It took about 3 weeks for him to defog and commit to r, mc.

He made a nc call on dd and wrote a letter, that I approved a few days later. Ok, now we could move forward. Not so fast there, apparently we needed to clarify what nc really meant. 18 months after dd, I find the secret email that they had kept up, and he admitted that they talked on the phone sometimes. She lived out of town so the pa didn't continue after dd1. March 2013 to May 2014 was the darkest time for me. I lost all hope, I felt I could never trust again. I shut down but was just too stubborn to quit.

In May of 2014, I was ready to leave, I didn't think that I could do it anymore. He was doing everything that he could do, but I was done.

On our 30th wedding anniversary, I sent him a letter about starting over and letting the past go. He was dubious of my ability and I went ballistic. After all he had put me through, he wasn't willing to give us one last chance! After a very respectable verbal beating, he decided that he was all in to the new proposition and we have been working on our new honest relationship ever since.

I can honestly say that he has become the husband that I have always wanted him to be. He is affectionate and considerate. He actually puts me and our dd's ahead of his own desires on a regular basis. He has learned that affection and connection leads to a better more fulfilling sex life, duh!

He has a long way to go yet, but I appreciate that he never tried to rewrite our marital history and blame me for his indiscretions. I appreciate that he didn't tt me from the beginning. Trust is improving, it will never be as it used to be, of that, I am resigned. But I do believe that we can get to a working level of trust.

We had a good m before dd, I was a good wife, he was a good h in many ways. He has identified his problems and is working to fix them. We have a new granddaughter and see both our dd's regularly.

We are only 1 year and 9 months past dd#2, 7 months into our true R attempt. I feel better with each passing month, it feels good to have some hope back in my life. It feels good to be able to rely on my h again.

I am stronger for this experience, more self reliant and more prepared to go it alone should my h choose to fail me again. When people on SI say you have to be willing to lose your m to save it, it is very true. We both know that staying together is a choice that we have fought our way through hell for and we're deeply grateful to be on the other side.

[This message edited by tl502 at 8:28 AM, January 4th (Sunday)]

Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 929 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: big blue nation
Member # 45088
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, January 5th (Monday)

I had posted something similar in the Reconciliation Forum, but it may be better to post it here. It might help others who have been having issues with what their WS have said concerning the AP. It was also a POSITIVE step that helped in my healing .

"When I would wake up at night and see her laying next to me, I felt like I had won a prize." My WH told me this on July 20, 2014, the day after DDay. We had decided to R, he had sent the NC, the OW's response to his NC quickly got him out of the "fog", and we were talking about his A when he told me about her being a "prize". It hurt so bad to hear him say this, but I kept my cool so that he wouldn't get defensive and stop talking altogether. I wanted to know EVERY detail he could remember, so I just let him keep talking.

About a month or so later, I was talking to my WH about some of the things he said, things that were seared into my memory. One of these was about her being a "prize". My WH was mortified about some of these things because he truly didn't feel that same way anymore. I asked him to tell me how he felt about these statements NOW. So I would repeat what he said and he would continue with how he felt now. When I got to the statement about her being a "prize", it went like this, "When I would wake up at night and see her laying next to me, I felt like I had won a prize, BUT NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, this "prize" that I won was more like an amusement park trinket." He then grabbed me by my shoulders, looked me square in the eyes, and with his eyes brimming with tears he said, "She was an amusement park trinket, but YOU are my treasure."

NOW, when I think about some of the things he said about the OW, I also have statements to remember about how he REALLY feels since the fog has been lifted!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Southeastern United States
Member # 45088
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, January 5th (Monday)

I have to share the text my WH just sent. I posted my story here at 8:57am:

WH: I will cherish you forever as you are my treasure!!

WOW!! He is not on this site and has no idea I just posted this "treasure" story !! Honestly though, he does say this often now, but it was kind of cool that I got this message just 14 minutes after posting the "treasure" story!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Southeastern United States
New Member
Member # 43345
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, January 5th (Monday)

Happy New Year Everyone.

2013 was a harsh year as it was the year my husband made his full disclosure. The anger, hurt, betrayal, and sadness was overwhelming. I was thankful for the women at the CoSA meeting I went to. They were more than helpful. Outbursts of anger towards my husband were inevitable. I went apeshit on him. He dealt with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse from me. I dealt with his betrayal after his disclosure and the horrible fact that I couldn't trust him anymore. It was definitely the worst year of my life.

2014 was the year of healing. It was the year that allowed myself to feel every emotion no matter how good or bad. It was the year that my husband really started taking his recovery seriously by keeping in constant contact with his sponsor, his SAA buddies, and going to meetings, even if the meetings were over the phone. It was the year I was fired from my full time job because I was so emotionally distraught over everything that I kept making stupid mistakes. Despite the fact that I was fired, my employers wanted me to collect unemployment and so they made it so that I was laid off. I also work per-diam for them now under the table. They actually missed me and told me firing me was like firing family. I am thankful for their generosity. 2014 was the year I put all of my concentration on my grad school studies, and finding a site to do my practicum hours as I get closer to becoming a Clinical Mental Health Counselor. I still went to my CoSA meetings when I could, but kept in touch with my CoSA girls via email and text because they are the most amazing women I know. 2014 was the year I let myself heal because I needed to. I wanted to let go of all of the hate and resentment I felt towards my husband's actions. I wanted to do that. It has definitely been a work in progress.

2015 is my year of reconciliation. It is the year for more healing and the year I forgive myself. Through forgiving myself I can forgive my husband because I love him very much and I know for a fact that he loves me because of his actions. Since his disclosure he has worked very hard for his recovery. He has done it for himself, which is more appreciated than you can ever know because it means he wasn't pressured by me. It means he knew that he needed help. It means he knew that he was powerless in regards to his addiction. He knew that. Honesty has been something that we both keep up no matter how painful it is. He isn't perfect, neither am I. So 2015 is the year of reconciliation for me. Forgiving myself.

Live in acceptance and Power.

My doormat card expired the day of his disclosure...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Posts: 41 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 44827
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, January 19th (Monday)

I just wanted to post a positive story on here, we still have a long road ahead but I have hope. I guess it's not so much a story but just how I feel about my relationship and my wife right now.

My wife has done everything right since our final DDay, she has read multiple books, she lets me vent, she answers my questions with brutal honesty (I only use the word brutal to convey that she is honest even though it is difficult for me to handle the truth sometimes, she doesn't tell little white lies to make it seem not so bad, and I appreciate this from her). She has made good on her promise of NC. She has made me feel like I am the centre of her world. She has shown me so much love and kindness and I believe she is truly remorseful. Right now I feel I have the wife and relationship I have always wanted and I could not ask for anything more. I know that this has been a very difficult process for her and I know that she has had to look inside herself and it has been difficult for her to see the pain she caused but I know she is committed to R with me and I know she is where she wants to be.

The opinion expressed above is just that, an opinion based on my experience. Please take what you like and leave the rest

Posts: 612 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: Cincinnati, Ohio
Member # 41886
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, January 31st (Saturday)

It has been 13 months since my Dday. It has taken this long for me to post here and consider our story a positive one to share. I still feel all the emotions on a daily basis and I thank God, my son and my job for keeping me sane and out of jail. I have read posts on here throughout when I felt alone in my grief. I followed the advice on this site and took our relationship on a day to day basis not putting any pressure on myself to make a decision. It helped alleviate some of the anxiety and made me feel in control.

My fwh has been going with me to mc since the week after dday. It has been an experience to say the least. This hell ride has made him a better father and husband. He used to have very little patience with anything that wasn't about him. Now he is gentle, present, and giving. It hasn't been smooth sailing throughout but I think this ship will float. He is a different and better person that is putting forth the work and effort. His focus is on our happiness and what I need. I hope it continues.

I want to thank the brave, giving people on SI especially those people who made me laugh through the tears. To the people who newly find themselves amongst us in this crappy club, this isn't a life sentence. I wish you happiness no matter what you decide but please know that if the wayward do what they are obligated to do, you can find yourself in a good place. Now I need my margarita!

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Member # 45088
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, February 6th (Friday)

Last week I was changing the sheets on our bed. I realized that the sheets I had picked out to put on the bed had not been on our bed since before my FWH left to go overseas. I thought to myself that the last time we lay on these sheets...I had a faithful husband .

I then started thinking more on this. My FWH had joined Tagged a few months BEFORE he left to go overseas where he had his A. I had to take care of some family business and was gone from our house for about 3 weeks. It was during this time that he started looking for No Strings Attached sex with strangers. He checked out CraigsList...but wanted to try and hook up with "regular" women. He liked the challenge of seeing if he could get someone to agree to have sex with a stranger...not just someone looking to have sex with a stranger.

I grew even more sad thinking about how my FWH was already looking for NSA sex...fantasizing about this with strangers...yet I was ignorant about it the whole time. Then it dawned on FWH IS faithful...NOW . I was living in a false world in the past. Although my world has been changed is now a more realistic world...a more true world. I only THOUGHT my FWH was faithful before...I KNOW it now .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Southeastern United States
Member # 10027
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday)

Yesterday was my 10 year D-Day date. Yikes!

Incredibly uneventful, but even so, it was on my mind. I think I'll always remember the details of my D-Day, and its anniversary. My wife didn’t mention anything about it. She may have remembered, but chose not to say anything. She’s put all of this behind her long ago, and we haven’t spoken of the affairs for many years now. At ten years out, I'm OK with that.

I don’t follow SI any more these days. I haven’t posted in years. But this site helped me tremendously in the first few years, and I’m forever grateful to the participants that stick around to provide their help and wisdom. So, I’m just trying to give back a little here.

A few years ago, on my year seven D-Day date, I posted some comments about my years of SI wisdom. I got lots of positive responses, and I think it’s helpful for SI folks to know that it’s possible to emerge from this. So I updated them and reposted below. Apologies for the length.

Ten Year Thoughts…

If you’re reading this, then I’m sorry that you’re here on SI. I never wanted to, or thought I’d ever, be here either.

Conventional wisdom often says that it takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair. You can put me on the 5 year end of that spectrum - actually even longer. Affairs were a marriage deal-breaker for me, and it's taken me a very long time to try and get my head around the fact that our marriage could continue in the face of this. Not a single day has gone by when I haven't thought about my wife's affairs. I really hate that, but I’ve gotten used to it. Affair reminders are everywhere and mostly unavoidable – tv shows, music, politics. But the “sting” isn’t strong at all, now that our joint effort (and lots of time) has helped to heal things.

Anyhow, I thought I'd share a few thoughts, based on my ten years of accumulated "wisdom". Nothing too detailed or thought-provoking, but perhaps something here may help someone who is early on in this journey. This is my experience - Your mileage will vary.

After learning of my wife's affairs, here are some things that I/we did wrong:
- I didn't find the SI website until 9 months after D-Day. If you got here right away, you're better off already. Use it.
- I should have written more – journaling or whatever. Writing is cathartic, even if you don't do anything with the end product. I was too dumbstruck to even know where to start. If nothing else, consider doing more writing on SI.
- I waited nearly a year before asking her to write No-Contact letters. I thought NC would be more or less implied after she admitted to the affairs. Our recovery was much messier and harder than necessary because I waited. Don’t wait.
- My wife thought she could remain friends with her last AP - they worked together, even after the affairs became known. I should have made this a deal-breaker, but I was too confused to take a strong stand. Take a stand and make it clear.
- I should have contacted her first AP's wife. He kept chatting up my wife afterwards for over a year, and I could have used some outside assistance. I know that this is an often debated point, but it would have helped me.

To balance things out, here are some of the things that I/we did right:
- I had my wife's cell phone # changed right away. I checked her call log and text messages, and even email. There’s no shame in this, given what’s happened. Transparency is key. Eventually, you’ll stop checking up.
- We both read the "After the Affair" and "Not Just Friends" books and discussed them together. Awkward, but necessary.
- I got individual counseling for about 6 months. I needed a safe place to vent.
- I insisted that my wife get individual counseling. I felt it was important that she understand why this had happened. Once she did this, I asked her to write down what she had learned about herself. I still have her note.
- We spent a ton of time talking about what happened, for a long time. It was done mostly calmly and rationally (neither of us are high-drama people). Make sure that you listen.
- I promised myself that I wouldn't make any stay/go decision for at least a year. I realized that I needed time to get past the confusion, doubts, etc.
- We entrusted my MIL for help. I knew she would be firm, but not harshly judgmental toward my wife. I really needed her help to get my wife out of the initial "fog".
- We kept the damage contained. Our two kids (who were teenagers at the time) still do not know. Only my MIL and our Pastor know. This was very challenging though.
- Keep busy, focus on doing whatever it is that takes your mind off the affair. You’ll be thinking about it way too much, and your mind will need a break.
- I took care of myself physically. Continued to exercise daily and eat well. I wasn't sleeping too well for a couple of years, but I kept to a steady routine, and that helped me keep focused. I even learned yoga – try it!

Finally, here are some parting thoughts, for how to make it to ten years of R without losing your sanity:
- Make your marriage a priority in your lives. Keep a united front against anyone/anything that would have you do otherwise. Look together in the same direction.
- What happened wasn’t your fault. As a BS, you have a role in fixing the problem, but you didn’t cause the infidelity. Remember this.
- You’re now in a club that you didn’t want to join. It wasn’t your choice. But you’ll have to somehow learn to accept that. Bad things will happen in our lives. This one really sucks.
- You might end up doing more “heavy lifting” during the R period than you expected. It’s unfair, but be prepared.
- Happiness is within your grasp. You will have to define it.
- Control is an illusion. You can't control what someone else thinks, feels, or does. But you can control your own thoughts and actions, and how you react to that person.
- Remorse is essential. I don't know how you can reconcile without a remorseful partner. Personally, I wouldn’t even try.
- Take the high road. It's easy to "beat up" your partner about what happened for a long, long time. Try not to. It will become destructive.
- Forgiveness is very hard. I've tried to do it in stages. I don't think I'll ever get to full forgiveness, but I'm at peace with that. Don’t think of forgiveness as an all-or-nothing. Also, think of forgiveness as a gift that you give yourself.
- You'll never look at your WS the same way as before the affairs. Unfortunate, but true. Try instead to focus on the positives, like what made you come together in the first place. Choose to forgive your WS all over again, every day, if that’s what it takes. I see her differently now, but my wife is still my one and only love and my best friend.
- Life is short – love fearlessly and forgive gracefully.
- It takes time. Lots of time. Be patient. Take it one day at a time. You can’t rush things. All those cliches – they’re all true here.
- You'll begin to heal when you make the transition from victim to survivor. Be a survivor!
- Good luck!

Me: BS 52; She: FWS 53
Married: 30 years (HS sweethearts)
Children: D 27, S 25, 1 dog
D-Week: 03/01/2005 - 03/08/2005
2 PAs and 2 EAs 04/2003 - 03/2005
R'd but it took a long time

Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2006
Member # 45990
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, March 4th (Wednesday)

It has been 1 yr and 29 days since the A.

Many questions loom in my mind about if I will forgive and be able to trust someday? Will I stop worrying he is cheating and stop checking on him even though it seems he has been faithfull now? When will I be over this or will I even get over this? How long is too long to hold on to this?
When will I be able to be happy in a momment and not worry that trouble lurks around the corner?

I am sure these are all questions that some of you have thought of too.

Your stories help me to believe reconciliation can really happen and your marriage can turn out better! Sometimes on my bad days when I am really low and wondering if I was crazy to stay with him, I can think of these stories. So thank you all! I really needed some positive outlooks.

Posts: 90 | Registered: Dec 2014
looking forward
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, March 15th (Sunday)

We are less than one month away from 6 years post DDay. We still struggle, especially my H.

Holding on tighter.....

It takes time. Lots of time. Be patient. Take it one day at a time. You can’t rush things.

[This message edited by looking forward at 3:42 PM, March 15th (Sunday)]

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow. Together more than 49 years.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 3197 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Member # 44827
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, March 16th (Monday)

Looking Forward, I love your message and I love the picture. Thanks for posting this part of your story.

I wanted to share something that happened today. We were heading up north for a ski vacation with the kids, so many stressful moments on a 5 hour trek with the kids crammed in a Jeep, we could have taken my wife's larger SUV with better gas mileage, more room for everyone and just an all around more comfortable drive but my wife know I love driving it so she endulges me.

Anyways like I said tons of opportunities for stressful "yell at the kids" moments but we handled any obstacles calmly and as a team which was so nice. Nothing special really, the way we should have been with each other for years but it was nice. There was a moment where we were holding hands and she rubbed my hand with her finger, likely just moving to be more comfortable but when she did I felt a spark, the spark I used to feel when we just starting out dating. The spark you feel when you are falling in love, what a great feeling.

I just realized I should have shared this with her also, to late to wake her up but I will tell her in the morning.

The A sucked, it was so painful but now that we are in R I have my real authentic wife and I am so happy.

The opinion expressed above is just that, an opinion based on my experience. Please take what you like and leave the rest

Posts: 612 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: Cincinnati, Ohio
New Member
Member # 45018
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, March 23rd (Monday)

Wow it has been 7 months and I never thought we would find ourselves in a good place again let alone this soon. His affair was 40 years long spanning 3 marriages (inc ours). I was devastated. We have been to both couples and singles counseling, had a large wedding for our child and lost his mother since that August day. Through all of this we have become closer than we were before. The councilors feel that the issue for him is much deeper than sex and goes back to his early years. While this is not an excuse it gives us some hope of a real behavior change. We have a very long way to go, but when this first happened I think I would have died, had I not found this forum. Just know there must be others out there that are suffering from a VERY LONG term affair and want you to know there is hope!

Me: mid 50's
WH: late 60's
EMA: 17 years
DDAY: 8/12/14
LTA: 40 years

Posts: 11 | Registered: Sep 2014
Member # 45088
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, March 26th (Thursday)

Ooooo...some NICE stories since I visited last...and a cool picture too! Thanks for sharing...I wish more people would share their positive stories in this thread...but there are MANY I've seen in the forum that have given me hope !!

My FWH and I have made some GREAT strides in R... and my mantra is..."I will OWN this A" . For ME...this is a way to heal. I have mentioned it many times on this site and my FWH is well aware of it too!

On March FWH texted me and insisted that I meet him at a particular restaurant for lunch. I was pretty busy that morning and would have liked to have done other things instead...but it was so important for HIM that I meet him at this I went along with his wishes.

It isn't much of a restaurant...a little hole in the wall place actually. It is only open a few hours for lunch and on Friday evenings...but it is a place we had talked about going to and yet had never managed to make it happen before because of the unusual hours it was open. For some reason FWH HAD to go on this day.

I arrived first and was seated when my FWH walked in. He was beaming from ear to ear ...something was up!! After the waitress took our order my FWH grabbed my hands in his and whispered, "You OWN the 25th"!! I looked at him puzzled...and told him I already OWNED this day because 4 months earlier I was gifted with a very special necklace from him. Even though the 25th was a trigger for me...I had this special gift to make it a happy thought too. Soon after...I realized the SIGNIFICANCE in THIS restaurant...and when my FWH saw the reaction...he KNEW he helped me to really OWN this day!!

10 months earlier...on May 25th...while he was FWH took the OW to a specialty restaurant. It was a restaurant that WE had planned to go to...but I had to leave that country earlier than expected due to family obligations back in the states. They had spent their first night together on the 24th of May...and were going out to eat breakfast. This restaurant was the first one they saw that was open. At the time I was very happy to know my FWH had been able to go to this particular restaurant. He had taken pictures of the inside...and told me about what the waitress had mentioned about it. He gave so many details it was like I was there...except of course...he left one detail out . After DDay...when I found out he wasn't alone at this restaurant...the pain was horrible . It was something THEY shared...a NEW experience...and it was on the 25th. It is just one of the things that I have to accept. It happened...we can't change it...and I could either deal with it...or wallow in it. I chose to OWN it...and I still have a lovely reminder of the 25th still hanging around my neck .

However...NOW...I have a NEW specialty restaurant experience that WE share on the 25th. THIS particular restaurant is even more special...because my beloved Mama raved about it when she ate there a couple of times. She passed away over 20 years ago...and I always thought about how nice it would be to eat at this place...where she enjoyed being . Not only that...but I also have the knowledge that my FWH thought about the significance and wanted ME to OWN it . My FWH is actually planning a very memorable vacation for US during these horrible trigger days that will be coming up in just two months...and these particular days have been on his mind a lot recently. I don't know what the plans are...but I know we won't be in this town during the 25th...and it is very thoughtful of my FWH to have me OWN this date in this way!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Southeastern United States
Member # 47498
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 10th (Friday)

I hope to one day return and provide an update to this story. It has only been 7 months since I discovered my husband's affairs (2 in a 12-month period). Prior to that time our marriage had been rocky, but not unlike many others where 2 professional parents are raising 2 daughters and simply grew apart from one another. We were no longer friends, and while my emotional needs were met through our daughters, my parents, friends; my husband was feeling left out and eventually sought friendship from a young woman from his office who was just a few years older than our oldest daughter (he was in his late 40s, she her early 20s). That emotional affair was the start of things for him. I eventually discovered the extent of his "friendship" with her on Sept 13, 2014. This alone created a crisis in me, and several days later he revealed that he had at one time felt "in love" with her, which really threw me over the edge. I raged and cried, and carried on like a crazy person. My reaction shocked him, making him realize that I cared for him much more than I had let on in many years. And in that time of chaos, fear, and anger, we agreed to work on our marriage and build a stronger connection to one another. Little did I know that at this very time he was in his 2nd affair. With all that was happening between he and I, he wanted to quietly end the affair in hopes I'd never find out, because he knew I'd probably never forgive him. One October 24, 2014 I discovered a receipt with a woman's name on it for a pair of shoes my husband has purchased with HER credit card. Odd. So I googled her and eventually found her Facebook page, which contained a picture of she and my husband dated the DAY OF OUR 20th Wedding Anniversary. The bomb had dropped. Another time of crisis as he tried to convince me that he loved me, wanted to stay with me, and was willing to do anything he could to prove this to me. I was nearly comatose, but continued to go to work each day some how, but was a complete wreak at home and anytime I had free time to myself to think. I thought about leaving or forcing him to leave, but he agreed to begin counseling, which prompted him to soon reveal that earlier in the year he had had a several months long affair with yet another woman. My world was crumbling down around me and I was feeling like a crazy person by this point. But during this time we were inseparable, crying together on a near daily basis, me raging at him and he allowing me to verbally bash him without getting angry in turn, and just hours and hours of talking and open communication about our marriage and his affairs, at times discussions so hurtful I thought my heart would break (details of his affair primarily). Yet as awful as this time was, it re-connected us in a way we had not been in over a decade. So sad to acknowledge that fact, but it's a piece of the puzzle that is essential to understanding our story. It is now early April 2015 which makes it close to the 7 month mark for discovery of the emotional affair, but only 6 months from discovery of his sexual affairs.

What have I learned? I've learned that I love my husband and that he truly and deeply loves me. I may never fully understand how he could have "done this to me", and I believe this will ultimately be my greatest challenge. I've also learned that the only way I could find myself here is the fact my husband has acknowledged what he did was wrong, expressed remorse and shame for his behavior during that time (including some midlife crisis elements of excessive drinking with friends, etc), tells me on a daily basis how much he loves me and appreciates that I've given him this opportunity to prove to me that I can again trust him and allow him to love me, and me to love him. The "good" days are coming more frequently, yet I have setbacks where my confidence is shaken and I begin to obsess about the past. With summer approaching I am becoming anxious, maybe because I envision him and the OW sipping beers on the patio at their favorite restaurant. But it helps for me to share these fears with him, and to hear his reassurances that he has no desire to revisit the past or return to the person he was. As long as he continues to show me his regret and give me the space and attention I need to feel secure during this critical time, I feel confident that we'll be okay. And in many ways, come through better ever. I know already we are closer than we have been in many, many years, and have made plans for a summer vacation to New England to visit the places we traveled to when we first met. I stopped wearing my wedding ring on the day I learned of his sexual affair. One of our plans is to find me a new ring in time to celebrate our 21st wedding anniversary on July 1. Stay tuned! :)

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD (18 and 22 at the time)
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 2+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: A state of unrest
Member # 44734
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, April 17th (Friday)

Just back from a wonderful holiday arranged by H. Everything was amazing from the hotel to the service to the company. Yes my H made every effort we went for long walks, went to the spa, went for meals. He never left my side the whole holiday and on the last night he thanked me for not leaving him and for being strong when I could and probably should have walked away. H also said it was the best holiday we have shared in a long time. So I am keeping positive and he is doing the right things finally think we might make it. I am not saying we will not have a few bumps ahead I am not that naive. So to all those in R keep strong.

ME BS - 42
H - 47
OW - 56
A Started end of April 2014
DD 1 11TH JUNE 2014 (Deep in the fog) - False R
OW Cousins Mum and ex-friend
R - Both of us working hard

Posts: 200 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: Northern Ireland
Member # 45537
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, April 27th (Monday)

I know not a lot of people post on weekends and maybe I should wait til Monday, but I wanted to share this today with everyone. I may bump it a couple of times for Mondays people too.
WH and I went to supper yesterday and we had some brief A talk. Sometimes for me it is easier to talk in a public setting as I know things will be rational and not emotional.

When we got home WH went upstairs and came back down with something behind his back. He said he was going to wait til Sunday but he saw that I was down at dinner and wanted to go ahead and give it to me now.

WH handed a white easter basket filled with glitter eggs,my fav candy, and 2 candles.

I sat on the bed and looked at the basket. WH said please open the eggs. I didnt realize they were the kind you open they looked like decorative ones.

I began opening the eggs. The first 3 or 4 eggs had hand written letters. Promises to me from him. Apoligies from him. Things he was going to work on himself. Things he was going to do for me. Love letters.

The next couple of eggs had stuff he had printed on-line. A prayer for married couples in one. Song Lyrics in another.

There were 2 eggs left. The next to last one was heavy. I opened it up and it was full of quarters and a note. The note said I want to give you back your yard-sales.

(I am a BIG fan of yard sales. would go every saturday. I would collect the quarters in a jar and use those quarters to use to go to the yard sales. It was "my thing")

After d-day I have not been to a yard sale since. No joy in it, no collecting quarters. I was/am too sad and heartbroken to do anything anymore.

WH gave me back my yardsales.

The last egg I picked up and I could tell it had something in it too jingly.

(the day after d-day I took all my jewlery I had on to the pawn shop. My wedding ring and band. My birthstone ring. A right hand ring and my diamond earings)

In the last egg was all my jewelry I took the pawn shop. WH had tracked them down and slowly every week paid on them to get them back.

I cried. WH cried. I put all my rings back on except my wedding ring/band. I gave them to WH and said that I just could not put them on yet. WH said he understood and was expecting me to probably not put them back on, but he did not want anyone else having my wedding rings.

Happy Easter SI

re-posting here--thanks for the suggestion

You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts
10-12-14 D-Day
3-24-15 Giving R a chance

Posts: 601 | Registered: Nov 2014
New Member
Member # 45004
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, May 9th (Saturday)

Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I am moved by the apparent emotions and positivity of it all. I too am in R and have low tmes, but am functioning again and feeling better about our future. My WS is in AA now, self-identified, and it gives me hope that real change is possible. Good luck to all of you moving forward and staying strong.

D.Day Sept 14/14
Married 14 yrs together 17
Two children 9 & 11
False R, couldn't maintain NC
Dec 5/14 Last chance R.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: Canada
Member # 47918
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, May 19th (Tuesday)

I am SO happy this forum exists. I am only 9 days post D-Day and suffering greatly. But these stories give me so much hope. They show me it can be done and done well. I'm just trying to hang on and avoiding that other forum as best as I can. Thank you for the support, this site has been a God send so far.

BW: Me, 28
WH: 32, bipolar (infidelity occurred during manic episode)
Married: April 12, 2014
D-Day: May 10, 2015
Limbo Again.

"To err is human. To forgive, divine." Alexander Pope

Posts: 263 | Registered: May 2015 | From: Philadelphia
looking forward
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 20th (Wednesday)

H and I are just past 6 years post DDay.
He is NOT a jewelry guy, but he knows how much I love rings and things.
In December 2009, he gave me a "promise" ring. That is the green peridot ring. I wear it as my wedding ring.
On our 40th wedding anniversary in June 2012, H gave me the 5 stone ring that I wear with the green one as my everyday wedding set. The five stones, he said, mean "I will always love you."
A few years ago he returned my original wedding set (June 1972), after a very emotional story on TV regarding a woman artist who had lost her set in Central Park. A garbage truck had picked up all the refuse and she and her husband tracked down the truck and the driver emptied his truck and they found her rings! I wear them occasionally for special events.
And just this past Mother's Day he gave me a beautiful antique brooch with tiny seed pearls.
Thank you, H. You are such a giving man.

I am truly blessed.

[This message edited by looking forward at 3:44 PM, May 20th (Wednesday)]

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow. Together more than 49 years.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 3197 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Member # 40
Content  Posted: 3:29 PM, May 28th (Thursday)

Well. It's been a REALLY long time since I've posted. Like...YEARS. (I'm thinking around 2009?). But I had an urge today for some reason to come over and log on. No particular reason, something just told me to. I was going to just post "Hi!" in F&G, or maybe General, and then found this.

And I love this thread.

I sat here for a few minutes, thinking about what I wanted to say. There's the simple - "It gets better." (It does). Or the old timers understanding nod - "I promise, you'll look back one day..." (I do). Or even - "I know it hurts, but you'll look back one day..." (and don't you just want to smack someone when they say that to you? I did )

But none of that is really me anymore. I have lots of words, but sometimes too many will ramble together and then the purpose is lost.

This ... will change you. It changed me so very much, and in ways I still process. DDay was sometime in 2001. 14 years ago.

14 years ago...we'd only been married 14 years. Good grief, how does that happen, that I've been past DDay as long as I'd been married? And today I come back, to post. (It was totally not something I thought of until just now...)

It DOES get better, but "better" is a very individual thing. Our marriage is better - 28 years can do that (and sometimes it doesn't). My confidence is better (sometimes - I'm still that paranoid small town girl thinking people don't like her - difference is now at 46...I don't care if they don't like me. As much, anyway. And OMG. I was 32 on DDay??? I think I need a drink now... ). Our relationship is better (because...we learned who we were and learned how to either tolerate each other and how to say what we need or what we don't want.)

I checked around the site to see what was new, and found my one journal post. I could ramble on about how things are better than ever and whatnot, but this journal post, from 2007 (20 year anniversary and 6 years post-dday) - really kind of says what I'm trying to say. Life now is all this - and more.

Don't give up. Don't be sad if what the future holds is not what you think it will at this moment. Your future can change at any moment. It's more like...keep looking forward to what's next, and make it the best you can, whatever it may be. YOU will know when you know if it's right. It just ... clicks.

Member # 40 Posted: 9:58 AM, February 14th (Wednesday), 2007
Honey, if you read this today - remember I told you that I was going to post.
20 years ago today (at 11:30 am), I married my high school sweetheart. He was my hero.

We've had some good times, some bad times, but mostly we've had each other. Sickness, health, birth of children, death of relatives - we grew up together. I was two months away from turning 18, and still in high school, and he was 21. He was there when I failed my driver's test the first time (hush BG, I drive just fine now ) and I was there when he ruptured a disk in his back at work. I made it with him thru rookie school and paramedic training (that one nearly did us in), and he helped me earn my degree.

He's the father to my precious boys - and we each got our very own mini-me out of them (somedays, that's a very stressful thing, having to deal with the exact same personality as my husband, only in the body of a 9-year old - I'm sure he feels the same way about my oldest )

We had some pretty hard times, and looking back, sometimes I'm just simply amazed that we're still married. God, there were some days that I hated that man - and I'm positive he can say that about me as well. We made mistakes, and we suffered the consequences - but we learned together, and we didn't give up on each other. And we didn't want each other to give up on us.

He can definately be an asshole, lol. And he'll brag about it. But then again, I've got my bitch side as well, so we complement each other. He's sarcastic, funny, witty, rude...all rolled into one. And I just love him to pieces. (except when he leaves the damn peanut butter knives in the sink )

He sent me 20 roses yesterday (because the shop couldn't guarantee what time they'd arrive today), and a card that he wrote.

"20 years...who'da thunk?"

Now that's poetry, lol. If he'd written anything other than that - then I would've known that he didn't write it. But it's honestly beautiful to me.

This morning, I repeated it back to him before I got up to get ready for work...and he told me that "Hell, hon. We're going to grow old and gray together, don't you know that?"

Happy anniversary, Big Guy

"Don't do what you can't undo, until you've considered what you can't do once you've done it" ~ King Shrewd, Assassin's Apprentice by Robin Hobb

Posts: 14831 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: The Dark Side
Member # 47999
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday)

DD was only a few weeks ago, I was completely crushed, felt I was nowhere and was nothing -History an escort, he immediately took steps - transparency , therapy, him in therapy, me in therapy , him and I in therapy, today was our therapy, all was on the table, he was called to task with his considerations as to why, he was like a child being scolded by his mother ( therapist) ,we both laid our souls bare, in the process of this there was an understanding, not of what he did, that is more therapy for him , which he has set up for tomorrow, simply an understanding of our relationship - We were not even close in our thoughts of who we were together, an epiphany perhaps,but in the most part a path to move forward, it is going to be a long road, which he is on board with, time will tell,the therapist made him get on his knees and tell me what he felt not what he thought, it was a defining moment for both of us, next step him with the therapist to understand his action, to ensure it does not happen again,regaining trust will take time, however it seems it is possible, perhaps more than any of us thought could be- So there is a chance, I always think of the first movie from Dumb and Dumber when he asks " Is there a chance" She says one in a million ( there abouts) , his response is " so there is a chance" My Dumb WH is taking that chance... So I will too...

When life hands you lemons - Make lemonaide...

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2015 | From: Newcastle
Member # 48463
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 2nd (Thursday)

My ONS happened on our first engagement on August 11 2013, I told him what happened two days later. I found out I was pregnant and after begging for him back we got back together.

After some MC and lots of talking we are better then ever. We recently got engaged for the second time on June 30 2015. Unfortuntely my relationship with my future In-Laws is strained, and my fiance is estranged from them.

fWW:30 BH: 34 (brokenbuthealed)
XBf/OM: 33
DD: 9 DS 22m 12 weeks pregnant
Started Dating: February 2009
D-Day: August 13 2013
Reconciled: October 2013
Bought A House: April 2015
Getting Married: November 7 2015

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jul 2015
Member # 46071
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 2nd (Thursday)

Positive story that occurs to me today?

-->we (fWW & me) are made of tougher stuff than I had realized. She has suffered, I have suffered. We have had good days, bad days. Melt downs, loving moments.

Yet, somehow, we keep marching forward. We both want R. And we're both working for that.

Me = BH
fWW- 2014 affair most of year; EA Feb/March became PA April until DDay
Married 12/20/1986
DDay- 12/08/14
2 children, 24 & 22
OM = Wife's best friend's brother
We're both working on R

Posts: 2535 | Registered: Dec 2014 | From: Virginia
New Member
Member # 48482
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, July 7th (Tuesday)

I realize this post is three years old, but I hope you're still active and get to see my response. I wanted to let you know that your post really helped me. Your words on "parallel planes" are SPOT ON. I'm only three months out from DDay, but the parallel realities are so true. I have that one plane that says "This will pass and something beautiful will remain" and that other plane that says "Take everything and run!" Each is just as real as the other. It's nice to see a success story from another man. Thanks for giving me the terminology to explain the feelings I'm having.

God bless.

Me: 35
3 kids, married 12 years
Thankfully, well on recovery road
DDay: April 15, 2015
"A house torn down is half rebuilt."-Jewish proverb
"If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jul 2015 | From: Southern USA
Member # 48529
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 10th (Friday)

My DD was eight months ago and despite some really wild ups and downs on the rollercoaster, we are finally hitting our stride on our reconciliation. I only discovered this sight a few days ago and it was truly illuminating to see that the definite consensus was that the affair was not my fault.

On DD, when I had discovered a trove of text messages dating back over one year on an old phone of hers, I confronted her that night and got the first partial confession, after having caught previous glimpses of what she had been up to, but no hard evidence of PA, just an EA. What came up over and over when I asked why she did it, was how I had making her miserable, being too angry at her and the kids and generally letting myself go, gaining weight, not playing guitar and not meditation or being committed to being my ideal self. I took this very hard, as I was new this strange new world of being married to someone capable of having such a long and emotional and sexual affair, right under my nose, with seemingly zero guilt.

Well, after perusing the articles and forum posts here I was ready to push back on that narrative. Although I had done so before, I was each time greeted with the slippery slope of how our marital issues were primarily caused by me and that the affair would NEVER had happened if that was not the case. This was classic Foggy thinking and rationalization.

Armed with this new knowledge, I wrote in my journal about it and she asked me last night about it. Of course, she was furious at first, incensed that I seemed to be back tracking on taking responsibility for my contributions to our marital issues. I emphasized that making her solely responsible for the affair had nothing to do with my ability to take responsibility for how I was at times a bad husband and how authentically she was suffering.

We went back and forth for a few hours, and we finally got to a place where she accepted what I was saying and began telling me how I was her choice by far as a lover and partner and husband and that the affair was a terrible mistake that she regrets every single day. She pledged her love and pointed out all the things she has done at my behest, no contact, remorse, going to MC together with me, disavowing her prior thinking about affairs (Sex at Dawn), etc.

We ended up spooning and cuddling and me telling her how much I loved and appreciated all the work she was doing and how she has really helped me heal and want to take her back. We even planned a romantic evening tonight so we can reconnect in the bedroom. Our sex life, by the way, has really come alive. We are way past the 'hysterical bonding' stage (that was fun!), but now our love making has a spiritual dimension, lots of eye contact and much slower and tender than ever.

I am truly excited at how much progress we have made in 8 months and even though I know there will be many rough days ahead, I realize we have what it takes to make this reconciliation work!

[This message edited by Aumanny99 at 1:37 PM, July 10th (Friday)]

Me: BS: 52
WS: 40s
DD: 11/7/14
DD2: 10/17/15 (EA cont'd during false R)
Married for 20 years
Two kids, pre teen.
WS: has LTA for 4 years. First 2 years EA, then last 2 years EA/PA.
False R between 11/7/14 and 10/17/15 due to lingering/oc

Posts: 442 | Registered: Jul 2015
Member # 46071
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 16th (Thursday)


We've both been stressed lately with real-life (jobs, travel, kids, relatives). We've had some rough spots.

BUT...we're both trying and we both WANT this to work.

Me = BH
fWW- 2014 affair most of year; EA Feb/March became PA April until DDay
Married 12/20/1986
DDay- 12/08/14
2 children, 24 & 22
OM = Wife's best friend's brother
We're both working on R

Posts: 2535 | Registered: Dec 2014 | From: Virginia
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, July 21st (Tuesday)

Two years ago I got the full truth. We both went into IC for a year. Him to figure out his why & deal with FOO issues. Me to process the trauma. We read some of Brene Brown's work. We both became vulnerable & began the process of being all in with full transparency. We put each other first, in all situations. What happened? He became authentic and free. I became confident. We express our love and passion for each other everyday. We have a lot of sex. That is wonderful!!! We don't want to be apart. We exercise together. He wants me to travel with him for work. People have asked us "What did you do?" Have said we are the most connected couple they know. We just say we made a commitment to put each other first. I still have pain sometimes but I can say that is not my reality now. I see a changed man. We have love, lust compassion and passion that is indescribable. I am truly grateful for all that I have. I love my husband more than my words can say. I'm proud of my strength and for my husbands strength to face this & do the work to be who he is today. I love to laugh with him and love what we have built and are continuing to build.
You can survive this. You can be happy again. You can get to an even better place.

Me-BS 54
M 34 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.

Posts: 730 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 42365
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 28th (Tuesday)

DDay was December 5, 2013, with many many DDays after that. The last TT was in November of 2014. He has been rugsweeping, gaslighting and basically rewriting history - he isn't one to face his own demons. He also didn't show much remorse (well, if you rewrite history, what do you have to be remorseful for?). But...
He is fully here and invested in our marriage for the first time in our marriage (16 years now)
He is loving and cooperative and willing to listen to me without defensiveness.
I believe he is totally faithful (and has been for a while)
We laugh a lot! We talk more in one week than we ever have in a month. We share.
He is celebrating special days (never did before). I got a birthday gift. But, best of all, he gave me the most amazing anniversay gift that showed thought and consideration for who I am as a person. Folks, he created an outdoor tent of misquito netting with the most comfortable mattress and we slept under the stars! We listened to the night sounds and watched the trees move and smelled the fresh air and flowers. And got romantic.....

Best anniversary ever! Best gift ever! And reusable!

Posts: 324 | Registered: Feb 2014
New Member
Member # 45018
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, August 4th (Tuesday)

Have not posted since March and it has taken a while to catch up (that is just sad in itself). Tuesday will be 52 weeks since DD (not sure if we go by calendar weeks or actual date). That will be 2 weeks post his last "session" with her. We have officially been declared done by our MC and IC. Things were going greater then I could have thought. Then in April we got the diagnosis of prostate cancer. It isn't bad and the prognosis for survival is good but wow, what a test on the marriage. Like many of the posts before mine, I too have calculated the number of times. I know now I will never even come close. The treatment for PC leaves very little left in the actual biblical sex department. We haven't given up, but this has been a real battle. I have found myself second guessing why I have stayed and what it is I really want for ME. This is indeed a journey, and not for the weak of heart.

Me: mid 50's
WH: late 60's
EMA: 17 years
DDAY: 8/12/14
LTA: 40 years

Posts: 11 | Registered: Sep 2014
New Member
Member # 47561
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, August 19th (Wednesday)

Ok, here is where I am. To be fair I will tell my ugly part of the back story. 16 years ago I had a brief EA with an old acquaintance. My wife had grown disinterested in me, my job/career sucked at the time, and I was hurting. It was long distance via phone and email, lasted only a few weeks, and my wife didn't find out, I confessed. When I did the wife said she wanted to work it out and showed me that she was willing to work toward that, so I cut if off 100% and never looked back. I'm not defending it and I probably didn't handle recovery very well for her. 18 months after she became bitter and resentful, wanted to leave but thought she couldn't, told me she only asked me back for the kids, tried to call an old HS boyfriend, and when that didn't work out had an EA (in my opinion, though she denies it) with an older man who we now know preys on vulnerable women. We got through all that, seemed to be recovering well for several years, had our third child, and did well for about 10 years. I developed some health problems, was on medication that killed libido (not on that anymore), and different busy jobs pulled us into nearly separate lives. We grew apart. She hated her job as well and was going through a stereotypical midlife crisis. She then called up that same old HS flame almost 2 years ago and they started an affair. I need to insert here that my wife is not an affair person. She was looking for a permanent change--to leave me--and at that point he was looking for the same. They started having an affair. I found out via phone records after 5 months. She confesses, said it was just an EA (though now I know that was a lie even then), and said she ended it. I discovered a couple times over the next 2 months that it was ongoing. We started CC and again she said it was over. Over the next 6 mos I saw signs that it was ongoing but couldn't catch her and she always denied it. Then 13 months into the affair I found and email account and was able to read enough to know it had never stopped, it was sexual, he had divorced his wife, and she was planning to divorce me. Chaos and hell reigned for the next 2 months, and it appeared over. I began talking to her as if there was no hope and about moving on myself. Let me interject here to say that, much to my own surprise, I still wanted my wife. I had worked hard over those months to make needed changes to my own life to be a better husband and father and to show my love for her. I still wanted her if she would end the affair and give herself back to me. When I had finally given up hope I asked her to make love to me again as a remembrance. She wanted that, and once turned into several times over a week (we hadn't had sex before that in nearly 2 years). All this together sparked something, because she came to me out of the blue and said she wanted to stay. It took more time that I had hoped for her to fully end it, though she stopped any physical contact immediately, stopped meeting him, and only communicated by email. It took 2 months for all contact to stop. Then I know there was about a month of mourning, looking at old things on the internet that reminded her of the 15 month affair. I hated those things when I found them, but she says not they helped her get past it, to know for sure that she wanted me not him, etc. Well, all of that is 3 months past. I know for sure she has not met with him in 6 months. I can find no evidence of any kind, and I'm pretty good at looking, that she even emailed him in 6 months. We went away for a week together in June and she told me she saw the changes I have made, that she didn't want to return to our old life, but was 100% committed to building a new life together and that she would not go back to him or look elsewhere again.

Whew! That said, I still struggle with trust, obviously. I know that will take time to build. We have made headway, and I feel good about that, but have a long way to go. I struggle with intense periods of sadness and depression. Sometimes I can't get it all out of my head. We are having sex more--about once a month now with quite a bit of "heavy petting" in between for the past 3 months--but I still struggle with feeling like she is not quite into it--like she is accommodating me more than expressing passion for me. I think she is genuinely remorseful, but she struggles to communicate that and I struggle not seeing/hearing it from her. Someone who can relate to my story and where I am now, I would appreciate any helpful response or suggestions you can offer.

Me: WH/EA 1999;
BH/PA 2013-2015;
47, married 25 years
D-Day 1: 3/7/14
D-Day 2: 11/15/14
R-Day 1/18/2015

Posts: 32 | Registered: Apr 2015
Member # 49506
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, September 6th (Sunday)

I just wanted to say thank you, THANK YOU, to everyone who shared their stories on this thread. I haven't finished reading all of them yet because I am saving them for times when, like this weekend, I need a little extra hope.

We are 2 months post DD, still working through the early early phases of possible R. As the WW, I am trying to be productive and take positive action to rebuild, but still have many moments of my own despair in realizing how I ruined the life we built together, how I have hurt and undermined my BH to his core. The guilt, regret, rage, and disgust with myself...bleh.

I don't know what our future holds but I will keep trying my best to show him how sorry I am and how I will never do anything like this again. Right now, I want remind others as I remind myself to acknowledge and appreciate the progress we have made so far. It's scary, and it's painful, but he's hung in there so far and still says he loves me every day, so that's something. :)

Me: 25 y/o betrayer
Him: 30 y/o betrayed
Us: Together since 2009, engaged in 2012. My EA/PA began in March/April 2015. D-day 7/5/15. Relationship over 9/7/15.

Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2015
Hurt To The Core
Member # 33510
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, September 11th (Friday)

I'm the fight of his life..... He said this to me the other day during a very deep conversation.... For some reason this meant more to me than the numerous I'm sorrys.

BS - now 40
WH - now 41
2 Beautiful Children
DDay - Found Chat on March 30, 2011 (my gut told me at that time they slept together) He finally admitted to the affair on May 24, 2011.
Status - Workinging on R

Posts: 83 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 45088
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, September 12th (Saturday)

It has been almost 14 months after DDay...and things just keep getting better !! We are at a point in our life where I can travel with my FWH when he goes to the different job sites. I was with him for a few months overseas last year...but I got called back to the states for a family medical emergency. It was during this time that my FWH had his A .

A few days ago we were going traveling again...the first time going to a job site where my FWH wasn't going to be home at night. I started having triggery thoughts...remembering about the last time we had done this. I am not sure if my FWH sensed this in me or not...he has become very tuned in to my emotions since DDay. But without me saying anything...he told me that this is his chance to make things the way they were supposed to be from the last time we did this . ALL of my anxiety melted away at his words!! THIS trip has been WONDERFUL...and I can honestly say I have had NO triggers at all...just FUN times!!

I have come to realize that the A was not the most devastating thing that happened in our M. It would have been living our life the way we were pre-A. I have heard that ignorance is bliss...and you don't miss what you never had. These have been true sayings for me because I was definitely ignorant of what my FWH was thinking pre-A. But NOW...oh gosh...NOW...Life is so GREAT!! The A was the catalyst that made us change...but having this M now is just Heaven !!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Southeastern United States
Member # 48529
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, September 22nd (Tuesday)

So this is what it feels like to survive the first year. Mind you, DD#1 only revealed the emotional affair, that she had a male friend with whom she was sharing our marital troubles, for whom she had "tender feelings", but she claimed they never became physically close. I found out about it when I was looking at her browser (she had asked me to make it run faster) and the most recent entry said "Deleted Facebook Message". I clicked the link and it led to his page. Two DD's later by Nov 7, and I finally was aware that she had lied and the affair was fully romantic (I love you) and physical, for over two years worth.
So here I stand, 364 days later, and I feel great. So here's what it took:

1) IC: my therapist put me in touch with fact that I don't express my needs and don't put myself first. That my self esteem leads me to be co-dependent and constantly try to prove my self worth. I don't connect with others, because I suppress how I truly feel and don't trust anyone, other than myself, to take care of me.

2) Did the 180: got in shape, meditated, read countless articles and 4 books on relationships, affairs, emotions, including: "Hold Me Tight", "Not Just Friends", "After the Affair", "Radical Acceptance" and currently "What Makes Love Last". Also Athol Kays' books "Married Men Sex Primer 2011".

3) MC: settled on 3rd therapist and did about 8 sessions. She was good at getting us to see how our relationship dynamics could improve. She ensured my fWS heard loud and clear: "monogamy is not bullshit", as she had concluded before starting her own affair, as her FOO was torn up with affairs, and her friends and clients were all either miserable or having affairs or both.

4) Cried: ALOT!!! Almost NEVER cried before. Still cry about every other to third day. But now, realizing that mourning who we were and who I was is pointless. Our relationship was fake and causing both of us to suffer. We were unconnected and arguing all the time. She was lying to me for years and cheating on me. I don't want to return to that EVER. Now, I realize I still am sad she could hurt me this profoundly, but her finding and fine tuning her remorse to exactly what I need to move past has been a boon to my healing.

5) Hysterical bonding to Tantric Sex: The initial weeks past final DD were intense with both of us trying everything under the sun to make sex so hot we'd melt the bed. But all those positions and fantasies and games didn't lead anywhere real, except to prove that we still had chemistry and lust for each other despite the affair. This has slowly evolved into a more connected, slower, more intimate experience, which although still intense, now feels more holistic and deep. We experiment less, but feel more satiated and more deeply in love.

6) IC for fWS: She has dug deep. Her IC didn't go far because she was still numb and deeply in the Fog, mainly coming home from each session telling me how to be better in bed, how I broke her heart first before she ever had affair and how my porn use, to extent she didn't know about it, was also cheating. This was leading us nowhere. Finally, I found SI and stood up for fact that blaming me in any way for affair was not legitimate. All couples have problems, both share blame for, but having an affair is a toxic, unhealthy, reprehensible response. It adds to the problems 10 fold, and is really based on selfishness and entitlement and lack of empathy. By stating my position, it opened her up to deeply exploring the true "why?" of how she could do that. She sees now how numb she was and how sorry for hurting me this way she feels. Now, when I cry she reminds me of this remorse and comforts me until I feel truly loved, as if I'm the only man in the world.

7) We talk like never before. No longer do we argue in toxic ways. No longer are we blissfully unaware of each other's raw spots. We have learned each other's language of love: for her 'words of appreciation' for me 'touch'. We have decided together to take a break from MC and just enjoy each other's company as much as we can. We date, we chat over wine, we listen, and no topic, including the affair and AP, is off limits. Our emotional inner life is naked to the other. We bare our souls and treasure the chance to show we earned our right to keep each other safe.

8) We have started to look forward to the future again. No longer are all plans on hold. I can't say anything forever, because this experience has shown us that is never something we can truly promise, but we feel deeply invested in fully healing these wounds and can see how all this pain has yielded wisdom and strength that guarantees more than ever that we have a real shot at surviving this infidelity.

I will continue to come here for support in my second year, and especially as the DD#3 for the physical part of the affair is still coming up (for me the physical part was the most gut wrenching and the source of mind movies I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy), but I think I will need to less. I want to thank all of those of you who helped me on this journey and feel confident I will personally survive this in large part thanks to the support and wise words I found on these forums.

From the bottom of my heart: THANK YOU!!!

Me: BS: 52
WS: 40s
DD: 11/7/14
DD2: 10/17/15 (EA cont'd during false R)
Married for 20 years
Two kids, pre teen.
WS: has LTA for 4 years. First 2 years EA, then last 2 years EA/PA.
False R between 11/7/14 and 10/17/15 due to lingering/oc

Posts: 442 | Registered: Jul 2015
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)

My positive story for today:

I was talking to my H on the phone when I finished my work day. We speak on the phone many times a day religiously since Dday four plus years ago and really even before. In our conversation we were both saying we couldn't wait to see each other later in the day. He then said "you know you have EVERY part of heart, my body, my soul,every's all yours and only yours." I said "well that's good cause I want all of that..I'm greedy like that". He then said "as you should be"

He really works hard every single day to make sure I am healing and secure. He keeps telling me he will do that for the rest of our lives.

Me - BS 57
H - WS 60/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 31, 28, 25
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 612 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Member # 48920
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, October 13th (Tuesday)

We are now 3 months out from DDay and things are going very well.

My boyfriend and I were both suffering from severe depression around the time it happened. We both were not being honest to each other about our feelings.

Since it happened we have been doing so much work on ourselves and our relationship and we are both so much happier. My boyfriend tells me constantly how much he loves me and we both can't imagine being apart from another now. I know we still have a way to go but right now everything is very very nice. I'm excited to keep working.

D-Day: July 25, 2015
Me: 24
Him: 26
He was sexting with a friend for 2 weeks, 3 physical encounters

Posts: 150 | Registered: Aug 2015
Member # 47498
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, November 6th (Friday)

I feel that I'm among the "fortunate" ones here on SI. On DDay1 my world as I knew it to that point collapsed around me, taking me to my knees sobbing and wailing like the wounded animal that I was. Primal, open, vulnerable. Next to me in a similar state was my fWH, his world, too, was changing before his eyes, the realization of what he had done and what it was likely to cost him pushing him down, down, down. It was the lowest point of my life, and of his.

But in those raw moments when reason was not to be found, only base instincts and memories of our past, we both came to the same point--do whatever was within our power to save our relationship. It looked impossible at the time. What were we doing? How could we repair the damage done? Does ANYONE really survive this as a couple, remain together "happily" married after this? No roadmaps, just trust in ourselves and surprisingly in one another.

Our reconciliation was not soft or easy. We fought, we raged, we said and did horrible things to one another. There was a trip to the ER after midnight several days after Christmas, one of the lowest of our low points. But as ugly and brutal as it was, it was actually helping us get to the truth, to open ourselves to one another, to push as hard against the other as we could, to see if they'd still be standing next to us when the dust settled. Never once did my fWH throw up his hands and walk away. As far as I know once he initiated NC with all other parties, he did not violate that. He recognized from the start the gift he was given and made a promise to himself and to me not to falter. He'd let me down before, and this was his only opportunity to show me that he was NOT that weak, damaged, cheating person--he wanted this chance to become better for me (I've since helped him see that he really was doing it for him).

All to say that just over a year from DDay1, we're in a very good place. fWH still is working consistently in IC, is actively engaged on marriage repair, becoming the husband he once could only imagine himself to be. For both of us, we've had to learn to share our emotions with one another, honestly communicate, learn to treat one another as best friends. It feels good! We are the couple that really didn't know how to have a marriage. Our role models weren't helpful, so we simply did the best we could, but failed miserably. For us, for me, this is my chance to create the marriage of our design. It's an amazing feeling to know we can have a happy, successful, authenic marriage -- one in which we each are contributing and working to make it the best it can be.

It took this crisis for us to get to this point. At only one year out, there is still a lot of work to do. I see glimpses of what lies ahead, including further understanding for fWH of how he got so far down the path that he did and a greater understanding on my part of who I am and my identity outside of simply "Mrs Psych". But to believe that we can each do this work while also being friends with one another, building dreams for a future together, makes my heart sing at times. Almost enough to push my sadness of what all has transpired to get us here to the corner for most hours of the day.

One current positive to share: We are going to start a dream book. A notebook to record our goals and dreams for the future: ideas on remodeling our kitchen, places we'd like to travel to, things that make us happy such as crafts to work on together (we are currently focused on making bat houses to give as Christmas gifts this year). Not sure if this suffices as a positive reconciliation story, but to me it feels like we are truly among the lucky ones to have not only survived infidelity, but to have found a way to use that tragedy to create something wonderful from it. I'm almost afraid to say that. But I do believe it's the truth. I don't believe (nor does he) that we'd have found ourselves here without something huge to wake us up. Thanks for reading

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD (18 and 22 at the time)
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 2+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: A state of unrest
New Member
Member # 50284
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, November 13th (Friday)

So counselling last night. After was a bit bad.
True to say the deed has been done and cannot be changed.IT HAPPENED. I have decided that due to our solid foundation we can get through this as his remorse is showing and I know it is totally finished with the OW. No more picking at the scab.
I feel positive, mu son and friends support is amazing. My angels are on my shoulder saying go on girl you are better than this.
Today is the start of the scab healing over. I will survive. I am going back to my normal regime up early in the mornings, swimming, gym having a good social life.....
Watch H I am out there to show you what you missed over the last two years..
H knows he said I have come alive in many ways...
Thank you all who relied.
New people don't dwell move on and believe in yourself. Do something for YOU......
I am smiling today...nd it's only five weeks on
I see the sunny side already. My H is VERY VERY sorry and the love he knows he could have lost is killing him..
We CAN do this, YOU can too....

me 54
H 58
Married 37yrs
D-DAY 11.10.15
trying R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2015 | From: Oxford
New Member
Member # 50391
Happy  Posted: 5:37 AM, November 24th (Tuesday)

thank you for posting your stories!! it has given me hope for my marriage:)

Posts: 8 | Registered: Nov 2015 | From: Canada
Member # 50510
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, November 30th (Monday)

I may be way too early, but I feel I need positive and wanted to read and then share positive. 4 months since DDay. Yet, since before I found out til now - my H has worked on fixing everything including himself, being there for me, supporting my horrible days and moments, answering all the questions I ask whether deeply detailed or not, and apologizing every day (sometimes multiple times). Do I feel I am moving on - absolutely not - too soon BUT I do feel this can work because before I even could start working - H already was. H recognized and admitted guilt, remorse prior to even me knowing about situation. I believe with someone like my H there is hope - do I guarantee it will be forever with him - not so sure, but I know there is enough love left after the pain to try if not for him, at least for me - my heart. Nothing is excused, nothing is forgotten, but i feel it better when things are recognized, talked about, even yelled about at times - i just want to be noticed every second and noticed when I'm hurting or noticed when I'm smiling and he does that - and he works hard at doing that because even prior to Dday he didn't - he only recognized himself. So I say kudos to all of you on here for your positive stories and stories that truly can end happy - you give me total hope - total belief even after the worst pain of my life - it can be done. TY for sharing - I will continue to share as well.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2015 | From: United States
Member # 47498
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, December 4th (Friday)

I feel very fortunate that at 14 months post DDay1, life has settled into something new, yet familiar and much more authentic than it was before DDay. Yes, I am one of those folks who had a "bad" marriage before DDay, which the crisis of discovery brought to the forefront and provided an opportunity to dissect the "old" marriage and create a new one using some new strategies for communication, more vulnerability and emotional expression, and most importantly, a renewed appreciation of what we have in one another. Now had we found all this WITHOUT my husband's infidelity, WOW, I'd be over the moon. But as many of us around these parts know, that didn't happen, and it took this nuclear option to get us here.

That's the background, here's the positive reconciliation story:

We were watching a movie on TV lastnight (didn't catch the title but it was about a young woman named Hazel Grace who has cancer and the young man who falls in love with her and their brief, but toughing relationship). At several points my husband began to cry. We were cuddled together on the sofa, holding one another throughout the movie, as we often do nowadays. We talked about the sadness he was feeling, and he expressed his remorse for having hurt me, hurt our family, how he nearly destroyed everything. It is these conversations that help ease my heart and give me the hope I need to continue to move forward with this. To see that 14 months into this, he's still acutely aware of his responsibility, owns his fault in all that has happened, continues to work on making himself a better man, husband, and father.

Each day provides another opportunity for growth and for rebuilding our life together. It's not all roses and honey, but I can honestly say that I'm beginning to believe that we will survive this and more than simply survive, thrive in our ability to be good parters and friends.

Have a wonderful day!

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD (18 and 22 at the time)
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 2+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: A state of unrest
Member # 45088
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, December 6th (Sunday)

During the Christmas Season there are many movies and shows that come around. One of them is the classic "It's a Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. I have watched it often...and really enjoy seeing how George Bailey has a revelation about how wonderful his life really is .

When my FWH and I watched it today...the part where George comes out of his office with lipstick on his cheek...and the implication that he has been having an A just BLARED out at me . Of course...being the honorable man he is...that is definitely NOT what happened. But after MY experience with living in this was a sad realization of how things I have been so familiar with take on a different tone.

My FWH had a different experience this time too. Toward the end of the movie...when the townspeople are showing up with money to help George out...I notice my FWH is crying. I thought it was what I was crying about...the generosity of the people who are coming together to help the man who has helped them so unselfishly for so many years. Instead...he says something to the effect of how a good woman can turn a man's life around . He then goes on to thank me for the wonderful life he has. We both melted into each others arms...very happy...and oh so THANKFUL for this wonderful life WE have !!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Southeastern United States
Member # 47603
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, December 6th (Sunday)


Instead...he says something to the effect of how a good woman can turn a man's life around . He then goes on to thank me for the wonderful life he has. We both melted into each others arms...very happy...and oh so THANKFUL for this wonderful life WE have !!

I'm so happy for you! Psychmom too.

Me 56y/o BW
Him 56Y/O FWH BP
DDAY #2 4/13/15
TT DDay #3&4 4/20/15 and 4/21/15 EA from last July was actually a PA till Dec.2014.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Apr 2015
Member # 45088
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, December 8th (Tuesday)

Thank you Carealot!! I came on here to write another positive story...and saw your post...that was very sweet .

My FWH came into the living room today with a coffee cup I had given him years ago for Valentine's Day. It has hearts all over he wasn't going to bring it to work he kept it on his chest of drawers to put change in. I wasn't sure why he was bringing his change cup to me...but then he told me that this was now MY cup. He said that when I start wondering how he feels...I just needed to reach inside the cup and pull out a piece of paper. Curious...I pulled one out...and it said..."I lust for you" . OH MY!!!

I started crying...hugging him...and gushing about it being the BEST present EVER !! I then had to take another one out..."You make me happy" . MAN...I am LOVING this gift!! My FWH said he will keep adding to the cup...ALL of them are his feelings toward me...toward US...and I can't wait to read more .

Before I placed the cup on the guessed it...I HAD to read just one more . "I will always be faithful to you". WOW!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Southeastern United States
Member # 47498
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, December 10th (Thursday)

I'm not sure if this is a positive reconciliation story, but it is something I've been working out in my mind - a way for me to better understand the elements that have come together to bring me to the place I currently am in my R:

I count myself among those who have "reconciled" after a partner's infidelity. I never expected to find myself in this situation, never expected I would stay after those words were uttered, that reality set in. But here I am!

It has been 14 months, and my marriage is much improved. MUCH, MUCH improved. I do believe a toxic relationship between fWH and myself created a situation that made it possible for fWH, WITH HIS ISSUES, to slide down the dark slippery slope that he did. But with discovery, and realization that beneath all the shit behaviors we threw at one another over the years (long story of how we found ourselves there) we still had passion for another, still had love for one another, loved the family and life we had created together, we put our heads together, clasped hands, and jumped in.

The road has not been without more pain and sadness than I ever knew possible. But here are a few things that made is bearable and helped me and us get to where we are:

1. My fWH was remorseful from day 1. It was like a light switch was thrown and he woke up. But with that wake up he had to face what he'd done. Who he had become. It was the beginning of a painful, but enlightening and necessary journey of self-discovery for fWH.

2. In addition to seeing his remorse and his fumbling efforts early on to "make things right", I felt the love for him that brought me to him in the beginning. So much pain now wrapped up in that, but accepting that IF I COULD FIND A WAY TO GET THROUGH THIS, to accept what had happened, to trust that he was a changed man who was committed to the changes he wanted to make to himself, our life together could be good.

3. So far we've got (1) true remorse and efforts toward authentic change behaviorally as well as internally and (2) love in the passionate as well as companionate type. The next ingredient I'll add at this point is TIME. Just over one year since the bottom dropped out. In many ways I feel healed. I still have days when I can't get images and thoughts out of my head, but I can generally bear with it and then find myself distracted and the feelings and thoughts are gone. I do feel I'm in a pretty good place, that my life is now my own again. But I know it will still take much more time to get to the point where I truly feel "we made it".

4. HOPE for the future! I feel hopeful and confident that I've chosen the right path. Not the easy path, but the path that felt right to me as scary and difficult as it was in those early months.

5. And last, continued work in the form of IC and soon group therapy (men's anger group) for fWH, and a bit of MC and book work on ways to create a healthy and strong marriage. After a hiatus, we recently started to do some of the exercises in the "7 Principles for a Healthy Relationship" by John Gottman. It's our way to stay focused, to show one another that this is important, not something that is "one and done" but a work in progress. And a labor of love.

And we're making bat houses together as Christmas gifts for our families! We are also building raised garden beds and have started a "Dream Book" (simple 3-ring binder) where we will put our ideas of things we like, activities we'd like to do together, vacation ideas, shared goals and dreams. It will be our new story of our shared marriage, our co-creation of the relationship we both have wanted, but previously did not know how to achieve. We're learning and doing it together, which is far different than how we once approached our marriage.

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD (18 and 22 at the time)
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 2+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: A state of unrest
Member # 49344
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, December 14th (Monday)

[Copied from my recent topic]

We just celebrated our 11th anniversary. I have been struggling to be present in December 2015, and not be in December 2014 in my mind, when my husband was making plans to fly OW across the world for a two day rendezvous. I found an email she had sent him on our anniversary last year saying a "sneaky hello" to tell him she loved him. So I was looking forward to our anniversary with trepidation.
I noticed last year how he didn't mention our anniversary at all on FB, and how he didn't post pictures of me during the months of their relationship. That hurt me. And he's been trying to make up for that, almost to a ridiculous extent . . . a sappy Thanksgiving post about how what he's most thankful for is me and our kids, posting out of the blue how life is better because i'm in it, etc. It did provide some salve that he wrote very nice messages about our anniversary and said "I look forward to the rest of our lives together."

We planned to renew our vows, and I couldn't figure out where to do it . . . a garden, the church where we got married, the church we attend. I just wanted him to pick somewhere romantic. He chose a place overlooking the city, and we found a kind of pavilion. I read mine first and couldn't help crying. Then he read his and wept through them. He promised to love me exactly as I am, to accept my physical limitations (I have a chronic illness that he was not great at supporting me through in the past), to be mine 100% emotionally and physically, forsaking all others, to share everything, keeping no secrets, to be the best father he can be with honesty and integrity, to measure our wealth by our commitment to each other, and many, many more very eloquent and meaningful promises. I will cherish that piece of paper forever! Then we had drinks and dinner and went to a light display where we had our first date 17 years ago. He also surprised me with an eternity ring and explained why the title was meaningful to him.

Recovery and reconciliation are a process, and I remind myself (and him) of this often. I know that this doesn't mean the affair is forgotten. I still struggle with obsessively checking the OW's social media, though I promised myself I won't check until after the new year (and hopefully by then the habit will be broken and I won't even care, but this is how I stop myself from doing it right now). I know the anniversary of when he slept with her will be hard, and the anniversary of DD. But I genuinely feel that we are in a much, much better place than we've ever been. We coasted for many years because we had mutual goals and well-matched temperaments and genuine love. But when stress entered our lives, it turned out we hadn't developed real communication and coping skills. I see that now, and I feel liberated to know that I don't have to just let things go in the name of peace. I need to address them and work through them and be stronger for it.

He also starts IC next week, and he just earned a big bonus at work that he got a do-over for. He thought he had until February of last year to get it, but it was only until December, when he was in the midst of affair stupidity. His boss worked it out so he could try again and he just hit the numbers. I feel like it's a parallel to our marriage -- he screwed something up royally, he was graciously granted a second chance, and now he's making good.

So, for now, I'm happy. I believe moving forward is the right choice. I think it's reasonable to trust my husband again. I'm glad I'm giving him a second chance.

BW, mid30s
2 children 5&3 on DD
DD Spring 2015

Honour, anger, valour, fire; A love that life could never tire, Death quench or evil stir, The mighty master Gave to her.

Posts: 549 | Registered: Aug 2015
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)

D-day was over 8 years ago. A ton of TT and finally after 16 months I gave him the full truth.

There were many bumps in the road, but the love was there. We worked...IC, books, SI, and here we are.

A true, happy R.

We just got back from a romantic, beautiful trip to our favorite tropical island.

Life can be good again, it truly can.

“Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of “you’re not alone.” ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 54906 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)

I keep waiting for the perfect moment to write the perfect post here, but I will write a short one and write the extended version later. This section of SI pulled me through some very dark days in the beginning.

I found out about my H's 2 month long affair with a friend in June of 2013. Since then, he and I have grown immensely. He has become a far better husband and friend, and our marriage (although good before) has grown tremendously. Our son is eleven, and doesn't remember a time when mom and dad weren't embarrassingly "icky" with their affection for each other. My H and I date, dream, get through the drudgery of life, and then find our way back to each other. We support each other, and feel very, very grateful to be getting through this.

It isn't easy - but in my case, it was worth it. One day, the affair will just be a footnote in a long, and otherwise happy tale. Do the reading, get MC (and IC if needed), check in here, and don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Many, many marriages are worth saving. I am glad it turned out I was wrong when I thought I'd leave my husband if this ever happened. I think I have a safer marriage now, and I am grateful for each day with my family, knowing how close I came to losing it.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 45088
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, December 16th (Wednesday)

After going to a club Christmas Party tonight...we decided to go to a bar and play a little pool. While my FWH was getting ready for a shot...the song "Three Times a Lady" by Lionel Ritchie came on. My FWH walked toward me...singing the song...then started dancing with me...looking into my eyes...kissing me in between "once"..."twice"...and "three times a lady" . Then he belted out "I Loooooove You"!!! DANG!!! I sure do LOVE the husband I have NOW !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Southeastern United States
Member # 47784
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, December 17th (Thursday)

I was blue this morning, no real reason, just struggling. There is a lot to do before the movers come on Monday, it is raining a torrential downpour, my body hurts, my brain is tired of dealing with this shit for 9 1/2 months now, blah, blah, blah.
So WH had a dentist appointment, and felt bad that he had to rush out so quickly this morning so he came back home before heading into work to let me know that and that he loved me. But I was blue and then it turned into a foul mood. He drew me out and I let out my own torrential downpour of sadness and anger and miserableness and and was messy and yucky.

So WH held me, and kissed me, and called his office and told them that he wouldn't be in today despite the fact that his last day is tomorrow and he really has no business staying home to help me feel better and pack. And he cried and he shared his own fears and he loved me, he LOVED me.

So here I am in a much better mood, but with a caffeine headache because then we stayed in bed a little longer and I haven't had my coffee yet while he is outside making sure our shed doesn't flood in the rain and getting things out there packed up. And I have a smile on my face and a warmth in my heart because dammit, we are going to make it because he is putting me and us first and that is pretty fucking cool!

**Sorry for the language, it just fit!

Me-BW 40
fWH 45
together 18 years, married 16
Dday March 2015, Final TT 6/17/15

Posts: 858 | Registered: May 2015
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, December 28th (Monday)

I've been trying to figure out how, and when, to put this into words. I'm lying in bed right now, listening to JM breathe (and snore). And I am happy. Blessed beyond measure. On December 14, we celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary. Today is my birthday. And over the past two weeks, I have pondered the difference between now and five years ago. Our anniversary was... meh. Not horrible but not good. We hardly even acknowledged it. Christmas, however, was HORRIBLE. He couldn't stand to be in the same room as me. He was agitated, irritable and seemed pissed off at me, but I had no idea what I'd done wrong. How could I have known that my offense was that I was not the woman he wanted to be with??
On Christmas Eve 2010, the son of dear friends was killed in a car accident. So I spent that birthday leading the music and singing for the funeral of this 24 year old who I loved. And JM couldn't be bothered to come.

We'd had problems before. My substance abuse had almost destroyed our family several times. JM had a ONS when our ds (now 17) was an infant. We rugswept. He had an online sexting/cyber A a year or so later. Just before I got sober, he struck up an EA with the woman he'd been with before he and I met. After I came home from a thirty day rehab 6 hours from home,I discovered the extent and intensity of their involvement. This time I flipped. I mean, I went full on, psycho on this chick and on JM. I told him I would never go through this again. I demanded MC. He blew off the first appointment so I met with the counselor alone. After the second visit,JM told me that he didn't like the counselor, that she was on my side. I offered to go to anyone he wanted,but he never did anything. I needed desperately to get and stay sober, and I knew that I couldn't leave him and also focus on recovery. So I worked on me. I got healthier and stronger. And everything I represented was anathema to him.

So on December 28, 2010, I found the email that almost destroyed me. Written on our anniversary. To another woman, telling her how she made him feel. When I confronted, he lied. Denied. Gaslighted. Blame shifted. All of it. If there is a dysfunctional coping mechanism. He tried it.

I put him out of our bedroom that night. We were in house S for a month until he moved out. 6 months later he begged to come home. We had a conversation where I told him I needed the truth about everything. That I was totally committed but needed to know what I was dealing with. Of course he continued to lie. So in August I discovered all of the truth. A false R. The truth about the A that was a thousand times worse than the worst thing I'd imagined. That day culminated in his suicide threat and commitment to a psych hospital.

That was when I found SI. I was done. D.O.N.E. done. Or so I thought. JM began to surrender his heart to God at that point and I gradually began to believe his repentance and remorse were real. We renewed our vows on our 15th anniversary. There were still some speed bumps. You don't unlearn a life time of shitty coping skills overnight.

But what I can tell you is that I have 100% absolute trust in my H. He has become a leader. In our home. In our church. In our community. He shows me he loves me every day, in a million little ways. Let me tell you one. This just amazes me. I had surgery on my hand December 4. It wasn't a big thing, just for carpal tunnel syndrome. Anyway,it was difficult for me to unroll the toilet paper. So every single time he went in the bathroom, he made sure to unroll some TP, fold it and leave it on top of the TP holder.

Now, if that ain't love, I don't know what is.

So if you're struggling in the early days/months, please know that there is hope. Hope even for serial cheaters and mad hatters. If both people are willing to work, there is hope.

Me, 50. (How did THAT happen??)
Him, 42 (JMSSC)
married 20 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 3881 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Member # 47498
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, December 28th (Monday)

HFSSC, thank you for your uplifting words. You have been so much in the past 5 years, yet are here today as testament to the power of love, commitment, strength. I am so happy you decided to come in and share today.

This is a great thread - positive reconciliation stories. We all need some encouragement, something to hold on to when the darkness threatens to once again descend. At least I do.

Today we are 15 months out. Mr Psych has been steady from the beginning. But with his head so far up his ass on DDay1, it did take those early months for him to fully come out of the fog that had surrounded him during his A period. During one of those early days Mr Psych was still very troubled, still very confused and while committed to our marriage and to me, he didn't really know what to do. He found me that day, grabbed me and began to sob. "What are you thinking?" I asked him. He looked me in the eyes and said that he was seeing our home through his new eyes, and saw the years of neglect. To him, our home represented our marriage, and at this moment he had the recognition that like our home, he'd neglected me, his family, our marriage. It was one of many turning points in our R.

Fast foward to today. He's at work, we're in the midst of a winter storm so I'm hunkered down at home with our youngest daughter (home from college). He's phoned me twice already. He'll be coming home early, eager to be with his daughter and me. He continues to do IC and just started a men's group this past week (20 week commitment). We started a "dream book" of projects, goals, things we love and want to add to our lives. We talk every day, share, plan, hope, dream together. And one big plan is to remodel our tired kitchen. We are starting the planning of colors, fixtures, style of new cabinetry. Such a difference from what our marriage has been.

2015 was a year of hard work to heal our marriage, heal ourselves. Things are feeling pretty normal and settling down. I truly believe 2016 will be my year of healing, the year when I make peace with the past and find a new place of balance and focus. I will pop in periodically with updates. All the best to you all in 2016!

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD (18 and 22 at the time)
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 2+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: A state of unrest
Member # 46173
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, December 29th (Tuesday)

I'm hopefully giving Want2Be a belated Christmas gift.....a positive R story!

I posted a few weeks ago how my one year antiversary of Dday was looming and between that and Christmas, I was a bit anxious. I was focused on the negative and giving the day more power than I should have, I knew it then but couldn't help myself.

I am glad to announce that I made it through Christmas, Dday and the next few days unscathed!! Actually, I was pretty damn happy the whole time and a lot of it is thanks to my WH. (fWH might be coming soon but I'm not rushing into anything!)

Christmas was a great day, and the first great one in a long time. In the past my WH usually got me gift cards along with one or two things he wanted me to have, not things I wanted. He went out of his way this year to show me how important I am to him. He and the boys, along with the dog (yep, he even wrangled the dog to get a paw print) made me custom ornaments with glitter. You all know I love glitter!! Total surprise, handmade ornaments from all my boys - it brought tears to my eyes and was so special. He bought gifts that I wanted and he even got little details right which showed he has been listening to me. He can now tell you that I don't like boots with half zippers and that I wear a medium for exercise pants but like the matching jacket in large. This is HUGE!!! I couldn't believe he has really been engaged in our conversations instead of half-listening. I didn't specifically give him a list or my criteria but he nailed everyone! The whole day he was doing everything possible to make me feel special and loved and it worked!

The morning of our first antiversary for Dday I did wake up and go right to negative thoughts. I was a minute away from full blown tears because of the mind movies and 'whys'. WH wakes up, rolls over, kisses me on the forehead and starts talking about how sorry he is for all the pain and how he wishes he could take it back but because he can't he is going to do everything in his power to make it up to me. He didn't know I was having a moment and addressed my feelings proactively. In the past he would never acknowledge any feeling except happy and would never take responsibility for anything. It took him 15 minutes to turn my day around and make it a great day. We had my family's Christmas gathering at our house and he was a perfect host, where in the past he would hide in the living room and watch tv. I went to bed that evening feeling peaceful and even more hopeful than the day before.

It sucks that he was broken enough to have an affair. I will never forget the pain that he inflicted on me and the damage he did to our marriage. I do not feel an urge to forgive him but that might come later. I'm not against forgiveness anymore but know it isn't necessary for us to stay together and be happy.

I also know our love is stronger than in the past and we are working together to have a better marriage. We have used this bullshit to bring out the best in both of us and I look forward to a happy future with my WH. My WH is a different person, the person that myself and my boys deserve. He is a much better husband and father and is doing his best every day to prove that to us. He is working hard and for that, I am thankful.

It hasn't been easy but a year later, and with a truly remorseful WH who has laid a lot on the line to fix things, I can say the work towards R has been worth it.

Merry Christmas Want2 !!!!!

BS - Me (43) WS - Him (43)
Married 16 yrs, together 22 yrs
DDay - 12/26/14
6/30/16 - The Sweathog will now be referred to as the Warthog on occasion.

~ Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.

Posts: 1218 | Registered: Jan 2015 | From: Midwest
Member # 45088
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, December 29th (Tuesday)

THANK YOU *Does a HAPPY dance*!!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Southeastern United States
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, December 29th (Tuesday)

The marriage I have today is greater than I ever could have imagined. The love we share and lust is incredible.
But I remember vividly how I felt in March of 2011 when I found out my husband had been cheating on me, with prostitutes. Shock, horror, disbelief, couldn't move, eat, uncontrollable shaking, chest pain, sobbing. Of course he minimalized, continued to lie. But did begin to commit & be there for me. Hysterical bonding & working on us. I found out more truth October of that year & SI. We were spending almost all our time together. I could see that he used to be so selfish but he had changed...he was PRESENT, put my needs first. I was happy but still dealing with the trauma of infidelity.
By now several friends were making comments, what did you do? You seem so happy. We just said we decided to focus on us as our kids were beginning to go off to college, true, just left out the infidelity. You are the most connected couple in the room....
Fast forward to July of 2013, I found out the full truth about his cheating. There had been no more cheating since March of 2011 but it was many more years than he initially let me believe. Started when my youngest was a baby to her 8th grade year. This was a tremendous blow but oddly I felt some peace, having the truth. This time I demanded IC for both of us. For him to figure out why & me to process the trauma, I felt like I was starting over again. Even though I had had an amazing growth in our marriage the past 2 years. One year + of IC. And continued working on ourselves and US.
Today I can say he is the love of my life & he says I am his. I know some people don't agree with this saying after infidelity but for us it is true. He tells me everyday how much he loves me, is so grateful for us, I'm gorgeous, his best friend, what a lucky man he is I gave him a 2nd chance. We don't like to be apart, he is a new man, I'm a stronger person. I didn't used to speak up for myself. I do now. I know I deserve love, honesty, lust, a faithful husband. Our sex life is amazing, we laugh a lot, I travel with him for his work a lot now too. I feel loved. I still have mind movies, I still cry at night sometimes. He'll say are you having a bad dream & hold me & tell me he's sorry. "It's just us".
You don't have to make a decision right away, you will survive this and become stronger. With a remorseful, transparent spouse and love and working on "us" you can build the marriage of your dreams. The marriage you deserve.

[This message edited by forgivingnow at 2:39 PM, December 29th (Tuesday)]

Me-BS 54
M 34 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.

Posts: 730 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 46546
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, December 29th (Tuesday)

We are almost at our first antiversary and doing so, so much better than I had hoped for.

I thought we had a great marriage. He was always happy! I knew I was 100% committed and I would never for a second consider leaving him or cheating on him. We were the couple others wanted to be.

My perfect life came crashing in last January when OW2 called me. I wanted it to not be true. I needed my old life back. The safety and security and 100% trust. I didn't know what to do with this new unwelcome truth. I had diarrhea for a month.

I kicked him out for 9 days. When he came back he wasn't welcome in our bedroom. I unleashed fury and anguish over months. I forgot what it was like to sleep through the night. I hurt myself sometimes. I beat the bed in my anguish. I felt like one giant raw nerve, crying at random times without there even being a thought of why the tears. They just were. It was physical pain.

I demanded (and got) a whole lot of things to help me feel safer. 100% transparency. He told the friends I wanted him to. He started IC right away. He put $5000 into an account for me only in case I ever want to hire a PI to check him out. He made amends I asked him for. He no longer went to the bar he met them at. He checked in with his phone when we were apart. He apologized to me every day. He held me when I cried. He read what I asked him to. He answered every question I had to the best of his ability.

One thing I've noticed lately is that he isn't happy all the time. And that is so good to see. Before Dday he needed to be happy all the time. If he felt pain or anger from me - he couldn't process it, he shut me out. If he felt pain or unhappiness in himself he needed to medicate it with alcohol or women. He doesn't LIKE being sad now, but he can accept that it is part of the human condition and that sharing our sadness together actually brings us closer. It's being vulnerable, authentic and real. And THAT is a husband I can truly know and genuinely love. He has become 3-dimensional. Real. As such, his love is now so much more real than it ever was before. I hate that he did these things, but WE are better now.

I credit a couple things. I know it helped that I learned from Ddays in prior marriages to put my bitch boots on really quick. I absolutely would have divorced him if he hadn't done what I needed. In a HEARTBEAT. I was willing to lose my marriage in order to (hopefully) save it. I think more than that, my FWH is honestly a good guy who had dysfunctions he wasn't aware of, had shitty coping skills, didn't know how to foster true emotional intimacy, hated himself and made some incredibly stupid choices. Being at heart a good guy, he now knows how badly he needs his actions to line up with his values to regain his integrity. He wants that, and to help me feel safe, above ALL else.

I still feel dark and sad at times but it doesn't control me. I also feel joy and silliness and love. I feel so much stronger than I thought I would have. I have forgiven him and I truly believe we will make it.

No pm's with male members.
Me: BS 48
Him: FWH 58
2 previous Ms: 2 adult DD's
Together 10 yrs, M 8 yrs. Dday 01/20/15
2 PA's (one was a 2 yr LTA) Reconciled.

Posts: 1132 | Registered: Jan 2015
Member # 35519
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, December 30th (Wednesday)

I don't trigger much anymore so when I do, it's usually unexpected and like a brick to the face.

Right after DDay, I couldn't go anywhere without hearing a certain song that Mr. Yoshi and OW "shared". It was piped in at the grocery stores, all major shopping centers, everywhere!
I would freeze. The pain was so intense. Mr. Yoshi would always hold my ears, look into my eyes and tell me to read his lips. " I love you! I'm so very sorry I hurt you! You are so important to me!" Etc. until the song was over. It helped but I still hated going places.

I haven't heard that song in probably two years. Well, while out shopping right before Christmas, it happened. As soon as the song started I froze. My hands and neck began to sweat. My gut clenched and my heart ached. I could hear Mr. Yoshi talking but it sounded far away. I could hardly breathe.

As the tears started to slip from my eyes, I felt Mr. Yoshi pull me close to him and hold me tight. " Stay here with me Yoshi! I'm right here with you! I'm so sorry I ever hurt you! I love you so much! This song is nothing! She is nothing! You are the most amazing person I know! Please, stay here with me!"

Then he held my face in his hands, looked me in the eyes.....and started singing. "OOOOH, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WA.....hey, you're supposed to sing with me Yoshi!"

So there we were, in the middle of a crowded department store, bobbing up and down, smiling with tears still running down my face singing Christmas carols like we were the only two people on the planet. It was bliss.

I love my Mr. Yoshi.

5 kids 18-28
Married 25 years-together 29
Dday1-late June 2011
Dday2-early July 2011-TT
Dday3- early August 2011-TT
Another affair 7 years before.
R going well

Posts: 307 | Registered: May 2012 | From: yoshi7268
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, December 31st (Thursday)

Every since I was a little girl, I've been a huge fan of a certain line of dolls. Not just the dolls themselves, but the stories that accompany them. Different time periods, cultures, customs, family dynamics. I loved the stories. My parents bought me all the books, yet I craved one of the dolls. My parents refused to spend that kind of money on such a "stupid and frivilous" thing that I was just going to eventually outgrow. (By that logic, why by any child anything? They all outgrow them.)

As the years passed, the stories stayed with me. I was able to pass my own collection of books to my daughter. She received her first doll for her birthday two years ago. Then got another one for Christmas. Then a friend knew someone selling one at work....ok fine, I live vicariously thru my daughter. My daughter loves the dolls, the stories, etc. etc. She has a growing collection. It's awesome.

One day this summer while we were in one of the stores that sell these dolls, I stopped in front of a specific display case containing my favorite doll, and just stared. My husband just looked at me. "Umm...?" I explained that this girl was my favorite, she was the one I always wanted, and I like to just stare at her sometimes and dream. He continued to watch me as our daughter who'd heard the conversation came up with this "OMG DAD! EPIC IDEA" that Mom get her own doll for Christmasssss!" I laughed and shugged it off. That's silly. I'm in my early 30s. I mean don't get me wrong, it would be a cool present, I'd probably cry, but don't be ridiculous. I'm a grown woman.

Fast foward to Christmas. We have a plan, a budget, and we stick to it. I get all my presents for my husband purchased, wrapped, and under the tree. He then announces that he hopes I don't mind but he needs to blow the budget a bit to get something he feels I need. Oh, and stay off the banking app, if you see certain charges, it'll give it away.

I've never been one with a good memory. With some recent health issues, its only gotten worse. All the stuff from this summer was totally forgotten. So I'm at a total loss. I ask for clues. He only gave me one. It's bigger than a bread box. Every other question I asked, he evaded. He was so super secretive. It was exciting, but it also drove me nuts!

Christmas Eve, it suddenly hits me. Oh my gosh, this mystery gift could totally be a doll. Noooooo. That's insane. He wouldn't do that. But it's bigger than a bread box right? Yeah but so is a drill set. Or a saw. Or some other random gizmo. (I kinda like power tools) I was a mess for the next 24 hours. Could it be!?

Christmas morning rolls around. Everyone opens all their gifts. My husband is keeping one off to the side for the very last. He finally hands it to me. It's big. It's the right shape. Yet I kept telling myself he could have just used a box from a previous purchase to throw me off. I was trying to protect my heart juuuust in case.

I ripped back the paper, and there she was! The doll I'd wanted for twenty something years. I shrieked. I laughed. I cried. My daughter went nuts. "OMG we can totally play dolls togetherrrrrr!" She's beautiful. Everything I have ever dreamed of. Her hair is perfect. Her dress is perfect. Her little gold earrings are perfect. She's flawless.

To some people it may not be that big of a deal. It's a doll. I'm in my 30s. Grow up already. Thing is, my super rigid, very budget conscious husband saw my reaction to seeing the doll back in the summer, made up his mind then, and then followed thru. He threw better judgement and rational thought to the wind. He gifted me one of the things the 9 year old in my soul has been craving for years. He did something for me as an adult, that my parents wouldn't do for me as a child. In a way, I feel a part of my childhood is finally complete. Does that make sense?

My husband is typically bad with grand gestures. (Mostly due to FOO) Or he has a big idea, tells me he has one, then fails to deliver. It's crushing every time. I have trained myself to be prepared for failure. To not expect much. But this time, he made a plan, and followed thru till the end. That's kind of a big deal.

This experience was not only healing for me, but for him as well. He experienced firsthand what it feels like to go above and beyond, to reach outside the box. You can see the joy and satisfaction on his face. He "got" it. It was a healing moment for him just as much as it was for me.

This is the hall of mirrors. Where you will face yourself. Buckle up.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7863 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, January 2nd (Saturday)

It's been two years as of Jan 4 2013. I had no idea of the man I was living with. I had every idea of the man I was living with. We had been together since I was 16 and he 20. We finally married at 30 and 26. We lived EVERYTHING together. We never had children. Our lives were so intertwined, I never suspected he would ever stray. He hit 50 and I 46. Yes, a lot less sex. He showed no interest, I was menopausal. Turns out he went looking for woman. Long story, but it has taking two years to work hard on this, MC for us and IC for him. We recently cut the cord from both. I'm happy because for at least a year I slept in different beds, couches in my house. I many nights packed his stuff, and readied for him to get out. Sometimes I looked for apartments for myself.
We've both worked hard. We both had a fallback last night. I was ready to leave again, but then I realized how hard this man has worked to keep me. I'm still mad , but I'm still amazed at how hard we have both worked at this marriage.
Just a heads up for those with hope. Anger must leave and understanding has to prevail if you want your love to continue. It's a hard road, but it's possible with hard work.
I live everyday wondering what is next. Oh well. Life is life and God continues to give us hope and challenges. WH was recently diagnosed with diabetes. No more outside sex for him, even if he wanted. Sometimes God just intervenes...just saying.

" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 149 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Member # 47498
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, January 6th (Wednesday)

Part of R is facing the truth, as hard as it can be at times. Just a few nights ago, Mr Psych and I were lying in bed, sharing a few minutes of intimate conversation, something we started doing shortly after DDay. Since nearly the beginning he has said, "I will NEVER betray you in any way again". And I would get a bit distant and tell him he could not promise this, as much as he might believe it or simply want to believe it. Yet he often would say these words and dismiss any attempts of mine to slow down and not make promises that he may not be able to keep. My goal was mainly to put the idea in his head that maybe the words were too flippant.

Apparently things are beginning to sink in. Nearly 16 months from DDay, during this recent tete a tete, he revealed some fears he hasn't spoken of before. Fear of himself, of what he is capable of. He said that all of the times I told him that I didn't know him, didn't know if he could change the core of who he is, is finally starting to make sense to him. He WANTS to be a better person. An honorable person. A person who does not cheat on his wife, his daughters, himself.

The fact that he's facing down his doubts and sharing this with me speaks volumes to me. Yes, it scares me. I would prefer to believe "I will never, ever hurt you again in this way", than to know that he shares my fears about his ability to hold up his end of the bargain, to maintain and exceed the many gains he's already made since DDay1.

So where are we? Right now he's starting a men's group, which will meet for 20 weeks. After that, he will continue IC if he believes he still needs it. He's very open to it and it has opened his eyes in ways he's never imagined. He admits that much more work is needed, but he's willing and eager to continue to do that work.

He also has made significant changes to his lifestyle. Since DDay1 we've been nearly inseparable, except for when we go to work. And even then, he calls me several times a day just to talk, to share what he's doing, to tell me he misses me and is eager to get home to me. (We seldom spoke during the day before DDay). He no longer goes out for drinks after work, plays baseball, or anything that does not include me. We both acknowledge this was a necessary, but temporary requirement after DDay; but as we move into our 2nd year post DDAy, we both realize we need to broaden our social lives.

He acknowledges that a big change must be how he interacts with women. Only recently has he realized just how often he eyed up women, paid attention to them, watched them, wanted to know if they "wanted" him. It is painful and frightening for me to hear him say this, to realize how fragile our R really is still at this point. But I believe this is all part of the process. These big changes don't occur overnight, and the more honest he is with me about it, the more connected I feel to him and to our M and changes of true R. And to hear him say that he knows this is a lifelong commitment, not something that gets "fixed" and then forgotten. R is a lifestyle. I new way of interacting with one another that must be renegotiated on a near daily basis.

For the most part, life is back to "normal" in the sense that I'm not bouncing off the walls anymore, not drinking to escape my feelings (which would only intensify them anyway). What I am doing is getting back to the business of living. The business of being a mother to 2 lovely young women who are just entering into their first "real" relationships. The business of being a professional, ready to take on new responsibilities related to my job as an educator, as well as return to those I'd given up with the blessing of my department when my world collapsed 15 months ago. I'm feeling more like me, stronger, wiser, less innocent, but "me."

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD (18 and 22 at the time)
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 2+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: A state of unrest
Member # 45088
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, January 10th (Sunday)

OH GOSH psychmom...your post put this thread to TWELVE pages...YAY!!! I was so HAPPY to see it today...but you did it several days ago...THANK YOU for sharing your positive story !!
I will NEVER betray you in any way again

My FWH told me this same thing very soon after DDay...but after the trauma he put me through...there was no way I was going to believe him. It was too easy...he hadn't done the work to PROVE this. After almost 18 months from DDay...I have seen by his actions that this is very much a possibility . I will NEVER be 100% positive that he won't ever betray me...because he has shown he is capable of doing it. This is a truth we have to face.

I have a little bit of insight into the "NEVER" part because several years ago I betrayed my FWH financially. I confessed to it...and swore I would NEVER betray him like that again. I was called a LIAR for years...and questioned about EVERY financial matter. But I CHANGED. I KNEW that there was NO WAY I would put MYSELF through that again...let alone my husband. This has helped me to understand my FWH's feelings about this.

We are at a pretty decent place right now too . My FWH has had to face the man he was...and he was disgusted by what he saw. He has changed so much since then. His ACTIONS speak VOLUMES to me. I LOVE the little things especially . He is always reaching for me...just to be touching me makes HIM happy...and me too!! He opens the car door for always willing to talk about whatever I need to talk about...and just is THERE...for ME . I knew that in order for him to be the H I wanted...that I would need to give him the chance to prove himself. I knew from the betrayal experience I had gone through just how IMPORTANT it was for me to be given a second chance. I decided to give HIM a second chance too...and I have NO REGRETS over that decision . Life is WONDERFUL!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Southeastern United States
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, January 11th (Monday)

I guess it's time to share my story so here goes. I posted it on another thread so I'm just going to copy it here.

After 17 years of marriage where my WH relentlessly cheated on me and gas lit me about it while also emotionally abusing me into a life of pure misery, I sat on the floor of my walk-in closet with a loaded gun in my mouth working up the guts to pull the trigger. For all of those who say that informing the OBS of an A only causes more pain, I disagree. Had anyone thought enough of me to tell me about my WH's cheating at any point in all of his years of cheating, I would have seen it as an act of compassion because doing so would have spared me the pain of being gas lit for all of those years.

Out of nowhere, my daughter's school called and said that they were letting out early for bad weather. I did not want her to be the one to find my body so I put the gun away and reached out for help instead. That day was my absolute rock bottom. I knew something had to give and unfortunately, I was all give out.

I soon started counseling. It took an entire year of intense counseling to claw my way out of the trenches enough so that I finally had the strength to confront my WH so that D-day could even happen. Even though we didn't know it at the time, my WH was a narcissist and he used emotional abuse as his weapon of choice. On D-day, my WH only admitted to what I refused to allow him to deny. Of course, any admission on his part was accompanied by an onslaught of blame shifting so that every selfish choice he made was all of my fault. According to him, I was the root of all of the evil he had inside of him.

Needless to say, the first year after D-day was completely horrible. During a joint counseling session, WH threatened to divorce me if I wouldn't do everything his way. By his way, I mean rug sweep his A's so that I never talk about it and so that I act as though they never happened. His way also included me accepting full responsibility for all of his cheating as well as acknowledge how horrible of a wife and human being I was by realizing that my imperfections gave him the right to cheat on me.

Both my counselor and I read him the riot act and let him know just how unrealistic and toxic his expectations were. WH toned it down, but refused to believe that he was the source of any of our problems. Like I said, the first year after D-day was pure hell. WH did only what was necessary to keep me from divorcing him while resenting every single bit of it. He put up with me talking about his A's and asking him questions about it, but was angry and defensive each and every time. He read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald, but dismissed every bit of it and refused to implement any of it because he truly believed that none of it applied to him because he and his case was "special" and unique.

He continued to lie to me about everything and would only admit to what I caught him lying about thanks to his ever changing stories and answers about it all. It infuriated him anytime I would tell anyone about his cheating. According to him, him cheating wasn't the problem and wasn't what damaged his reputation. Me telling people was the sole problem. I should add that after D-day, WH took his last A underground and it only ended when I outed them to their co-workers. WH had no intention of stopping his A until me outing them forced his hand.

Like I lot of BS's, I clung to every trace of hope that my WH was getting it. I wanted to believe that him not wanting a divorce was the same thing as him wanting to R. It wasn't. He had no desire to change anything about himself. He wanted our marriage to stay exactly how it was before D-day. He was merely riding it out until things went back to his kind of normal. WH continued to openly flirt with OW right in front of me and he was bent on getting even with me anytime I acted outside of his abusive expectations of me. He would lash out at me with hurtful statements just to get me to get off of his back and quit talking about his A's.

After a year of that crap, I couldn't take it anymore. I could no longer wear my rose colored glasses while trying to cling to hope that he was "getting it." I finally saw the token gestures of love and kindness that I got along the way for the cheap manipulation tools that they were. Our "R" was so far off of the rails thanks to my WH's dysfunction that I had no choice but to finally accept that our marriage was beyond repair.

My WH's ongoing lies and unwilling TT was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I was finally DONE. That was at the beginning of Oct of 2014. Since it was just before the holiday season, I informed WH that I would be filing for divorce after the holidays were over so that our daughter could have one last holiday with her parents under the same roof. That gave him time to find another place to live while saving up for the move and impending divorce.

After that, I did a hard 180 while I waited for the holidays to be over. It took all that I had to even tolerate his presence. I stopped doing anything and everything for him. No cooking or allowing him to eat food that I had purchased. No cleaning up after him. No doing his laundry. I didn't bother with being polite to him and I darn sure had no interest in being his friend. If it wasn't about our daughter or our divorce, I didn't tolerate it being discussed. I would immediately end the attempt at conversation by telling him that if he couldn't respect my boundary about discussing only our daughter or our divorce, then he needed to move out immediately. That worked to shut it down.

I started making plans for life after WH. My daughter and I made plans for a vacation to celebrate the freedom I would have once we divorced. Since I was no longer slaving away at doing everything for my WH, I had a lot more time and energy to devote to myself and my daughter. I was really looking forward to being single again. I knew that it would be a while before I was ready to date again, but I was even excited about the prospect of doing so once I was ready to.

OTOH, my WH was thrilled with the 180 at first. I was no longer bugging him with my feelings or about his A's. He was as smug and selfish as ever. I didn't care. I wasn't doing the 180 for him. I was doing it for me. After a while though (when he ran out of clean clothes and grew hungry for a home cooked meal), WH snapped. He demanded that I clean up his mess at his desk, demanded that I cook him something real to eat, and demanded that I wash his laundry because he was out of clean clothes. I laughed at him and told him to do it himself because kissing his butt was no longer a part of my job description.

WH threw a massive hissy fit and threatened me with leaving to go to one of his OW's house. I told him that was a great idea because I was sick of putting up with him and I suggested he gather up all of his dirty laundry to take with him so that she could wash them for him too. While he was throwing his laundry in a trash bag, I was quite snarky about it and quipped "It's about time your OW has to do more than just spread her legs. I'm sure scrubbing your shit stained underwear is really going to put her in the mood for some thrilling romance so you two lovebirds have fun."

I guess that took the wind out of his sails or something because he started crying big ole tears as he took his clothes out of the trash bag and started shoving them into the washing machine. I did break the 180 a little bit by showing him how to turn on the washing machine after he begged. After that, he spent a lot of time moping around and crying while begging me not to divorce him. I ignored him and just kept doing the 180.

I didn't know it (and truly didn't care), but WH went back and read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" again and he contacted my counselor for IC. I found out about it when the counselor asked me if I was okay with him helping my WH. I agreed to it because I didn't wish ill will on my WH despite everything that had happened. During the IC, he was diagnosed as NPD. This coincided with him meeting another guy who was NPD who treated WH the same way he treated me and our kids. It really opened his eyes and became a turning point for him. He knew he didn't want to be anything like that guy while acknowledging just how much he was like him.

Two months after I started the 180 (right after Thanksgiving), WH begged me to talk to him about our marriage. During Thanksgiving, I deliver meals to people in our community who are alone on the holidays so I had a little bit of a soft spot going so I agreed to listen to what he had to say. WH completely poured it all out. Everything. And I mean everything.

He finally came clean with everything he had been lying about and admitted to why he had lied about it (he was being a coward). He admitted to everything he had done wrong both before and after D-day while taking full responsibility for all of it. He told me that he knew that I had no reason to believe a single word he had to say, but that he would spend the rest of his life proving himself to me and making it all up to me regardless of whether I divorced him or not. He begged me to watch his actions.

It was a pretty intense conversation. I didn't budge on divorcing him, but I did start watching his actions while I thought things over. Over those three weeks, I didn't see a trace of the selfish guy I once knew. I decided to give it a try, but on my terms. I had no interest in being in limbo ever again so if we were going to do this, it was either going to be all in on both of our parts or I was going to be all out. On Dec 21st, I made that decision but did not tell WH. I put a rush order on new rings for both of us. The rings arrived Dec 23rd and I wrapped them and hid them under the tree. It was WH's only present.

We have a tradition that each person is allowed to open one present on Christmas Eve. WH wasn't expecting any presents at all so he was a bit shocked when I tossed him his tiny present. When he opened it, he asked me "Does this mean.." I opened my matching box, put on my ring, and held it up for him to see. I had never seen him cry like that ever. Poor guy got so worked up that he went to the bathroom and puked. When he came back, I told him that if we were going to do this, we were going to do it right this time. He more than agreed.

In the year since then, WH has not let me down even once. He did a complete and total turn around with his attitude and his behavior. To me, he has become and has been the model fWS since then. He leaves no room for doubt that I am his number one priority and that he does not take me for granted at all. I have had a lot of healing to do not only from the 18 years that he cheated on me, but also from the disastrous first year after D-day. He has consistently been my biggest supporter in that bar none. I truly have the husband and marriage of my dreams and I have no regrets about having given him this one last chance to get it right. He has surpassed my expectations day in and day out for over a year now.

I can tell you that I am the last person on earth who would have ever thought I would still be married today or that our marriage could actually be a healthy and productive one. My WH busted his ass to pull our marriage back from the ashes and I'm glad he did. I have hesitated to share my story on the Positive Recon Story thread because I guess I wanted to make sure that WH wasn't just putting on a show to win me over. After a year, I can say with confidence that it is no show and that it's for real. My WH has changed for the better since D-day, but I have changed for the better too. While I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy and I darn sure wouldn't go through a repeat, but I can say that this journey has been worth all of the hard work that it took to get us here.

BW (me): 43 WH (him): 51
3 adult kids (his, mine, and ours)
D-day: 10/4/13. Married 21 years. Numerous A's spanning 19 years and a 11 year PA with my sister. A went underground for a year after D-day. Polygraph on 1/11/17. He passed.

Posts: 6668 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Member # 47498
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, January 12th (Tuesday)

Thank you for sharing your story, Furious1. I am at work with big fat tears in my eyes What an amazing story. Amazing because YOU are an AMAZING woman! No one would have faulted you at all for kicking him to the curb. But you didn't. You got tough, found yourself, and in that, helped your husband find himself, too.

Your story is one for the records! So close to the edge, yet you found a way to come back and recover. I wish you continued success in your R. And thank you again.

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD (18 and 22 at the time)
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 2+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: A state of unrest
Member # 47603
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, January 19th (Tuesday)

Wow Furious one! You have really been through some shit and gotten through to the other side.

I guess I'm just left wondering how you fWH was able to manage to rid himself of his NPD? Was it an epiphany after the Christmas Eve Renewal. Therapy? Did you call him on his less than satisfactory behaviors?

Your story is really amazing, and it really gives me hope. Thanks for sharing.

Me 56y/o BW
Him 56Y/O FWH BP
DDAY #2 4/13/15
TT DDay #3&4 4/20/15 and 4/21/15 EA from last July was actually a PA till Dec.2014.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Apr 2015
Member # 48408
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, January 21st (Thursday)

Thank you for sharing, Furious, I always read your posts and replies and believe that I gain so much from your words of wisdom.
So happy for you, you are an amazing, strong woman.

Me BW 49 Him WS 48
4 children
Together 15 years-thought he was my best friend
DD 01/15 Constant lies until 05/15
07/15 Another lie found out
Many more DD Days during that time
Massage parlours 25years
Many EAs via texts and calls
EA turned ON

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jun 2015 | From: UK
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, January 22nd (Friday)

Thank you all. I don't see myself as strong though. I'm just profoundly and stubbornly resilient.

Carealot, my WH's changes happened before Christmas Eve. I don't know the full extent of what all he did to overcome his NPD selfishness because I was in the 180 and I truly wan't interested in what he was or wasn't doing during that time. I know he did go to my IC for individual IC himself because I had to give my permission for my IC to help him which I did. I can't tell you how often he went or what all was talked about. TBH, I haven't really asked. As far as I was concerned, this was my WH's battle to fight, not mine. Being in the 180, I was totally uninvolved in the whole process.

I do know what my WH has shared with me though. He told me that the IC helped him identify and correct his selfish and dysfunctional expectations that he had about his life, our marriage, parenthood, women, sex, etc, etc. He understands why he had those expectations, where it all came from, and why they are so unhealthy.

He says he also did a lot of reading online and in books about his abusiveness, about narcissism, about infidelity, etc. And he did a lot of self-reflection. He said that there was a moment in IC when he realized that all of my expectations of him weren't in place to hurt him, but were in place so that he wouldn't hurt me and that if he met those expectations, it would benefit the both of us because they were more than reasonable and were meant to create a healthy relationship.

My WH still has a hard wired desire to be selfish. It's like with any bad habit. Breaking that isn't easy. The good thing is that he recognizes that urge for what it is and fights it by doing what he knows is selfless while keeping me and our marriage as his number one priority. That is a complete turnaround from how things were when his impulsive desires and instant gratification was his number one priority.

The thing is that there was nothing I could do to make him want to change how he was. It was something he had to want for himself on his own steam. The only thing I could do was decide what I would or would not put up with in my life. Since he insisted on doing things that I would not put up with, I chose to end our marriage. It was only in losing me that WH finally decided for himself that he didn't want to lose me and decided that he wanted to overcome his issues that were causing me to leave him.

ETA: My WH could have just as easily decided that he didn't want to change and that losing me was worth staying how he was. I didn't do the 180 or plan on divorcing him in order to get him to change. In fact, I decided to divorce him because I gave up on any hope I had of him ever changing his toxic behaviors, expectations, and attitudes. What he accomplished is entirely to his credit. I had nothing to do with the actual work he did to change. Me divorcing him served as his motivation to change, not mine. Had he not done what was necessary to save our marriage, we would now be divorced. So the credit for our marriage coming back from the brink goes to my WH.

[This message edited by Furious1 at 8:51 AM, January 22nd (Friday)]

BW (me): 43 WH (him): 51
3 adult kids (his, mine, and ours)
D-day: 10/4/13. Married 21 years. Numerous A's spanning 19 years and a 11 year PA with my sister. A went underground for a year after D-day. Polygraph on 1/11/17. He passed.

Posts: 6668 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Member # 50510
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, January 26th (Tuesday)

6 Months since Dday - R since Dday. Rough rough days and nights BUT we have not stopped on the road to R. It has been life changing for me not only dealing with the worst pain in my life, but getting to know my H again. Getting to know ME again. I don't wish this on anyone in life, but I do wish that married couples could all some time in their marriage have an epic event that makes them STOP - LISTEN - FEEL - LEARN - LOVE again. I know R is NOT for everyone and some rough days that I face I still wonder if what I'm doing is the right thing, but if we still love, if we still are made to feel loved by WS then I believe we continue to try. It's not our marriage that we are fixing - it is a new marriage we are learning and loving. The marriage prior to A is dead - gone - almost like a death - yet I'm still blessed enough to know I have a new marriage and a new love that I'm enjoying yet still working on everyday. There is hope and the day I entered this site I wasn't so sure R was for me - I continue to support and read and help on here every day - still my therapy. But if there is a chance of R - never give up - whether R is for you or not - NEVER give up on LOVE - because it does exist.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2015 | From: United States
Member # 47603
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, January 26th (Tuesday)

Pretty awesome response Furious one. Thanks sooo Much. Gives me hope and I'm sure others too.

Me 56y/o BW
Him 56Y/O FWH BP
DDAY #2 4/13/15
TT DDay #3&4 4/20/15 and 4/21/15 EA from last July was actually a PA till Dec.2014.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Apr 2015
New Member
Member # 51062
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, January 27th (Wednesday)

Kathgbon...I adore you. I saw your post last night and felt like I have found my twin. You express the thoughts I feel and thank you so much for that. I haven't posted much on here because I don't know how to take some of the comments at times. However, I do like do love this site and my heart breaks with every story. Thank you for your honestly and positivity. I am 6 months out also and my husband is doing everything 100% that is asked of him and also on his own. I went back and read all of your posts and it has brightened my day. I wish you were here having coffee with me because I would give you a big hug! Blessings to you! XO

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2016
Member # 44327
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, January 27th (Wednesday)

Kathgbon - thank you for posting that. I am almost 5 months post-true Dday but R didn't start for us until November (I moved out for a bit). A lot of days I do feel hopeless while others I feel hopeful, it's still more roughy than it is happy but I do believe we are both committed to us. It makes my heart happy to see others not that far ahead of me already starting to see the tides turn. Thank you again!

fWF (him): 28
BF (Me): 26
Unmarried, together 8 yrs.
True DDay: Sept 2015
Started R: Nov 2015

In a gentle way, you can shake the world

Posts: 124 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
Member # 47803
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 27th (Wednesday)

fWH and I are solidly in Reconciliation, and I've never been more sure of his love for me. I don't have time to elaborate on my story right now, but there was a call for positive stories and mine gets better every day.

There is hope, as long as you take responsibility for your own healing and your WS is truly remorseful. You can do this. It can be better. I know not all of you will make it, but it is absolutely possible to have a better relationship than you ever had or ever dreamed.

Don't rugsweep, don't rush yourself. You'll know when you're ready to start moving forward. Best wishes to all of you.

Posts: 280 | Registered: May 2015
Member # 47803
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, January 27th (Wednesday)

Not even a minute after I posted that last post, received this string of texts from my husband:

":) I love you
I love that you are my wife
It makes me extremely happy
We are a team
We choose each other every day
No matter what life throws at us I know you will stand by me and help me
Like your comment earlier
I'm worried about being a bad dad
But we will balance each other out
We are two parts to one whole
And I am extremely lucky and grateful to have you in my life to share all of my experiences with"

Posts: 280 | Registered: May 2015
Member # 47498
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, January 27th (Wednesday)

The positive stories are uplifting and give affirmation that the journey toward R is worth the work. I particularly enjoyed reading this today:

but I do wish that married couples could all some time in their marriage have an epic event that makes them STOP - LISTEN - FEEL - LEARN - LOVE again.

This is much like I feel. Had I not discovered his affairs, not held him to the fire to see my pain, see the damage he had caused with his selfishness, he would not have woken up and most importantly, I would not have woken up. It took this catastrophic event to open my eyes and his. I don't know how else we would have gotten to where we are today. We had no clue how to be a couple. At least a couple that helped one another, put the other ahead of themself, saw their marriage as a team and partnership. But now we do, and we are working together to figure this out, figure out how to be married to one another in a way that works for both of us.

I often wish we'd have figured it out another way. We talk about this a lot. Regret for lost time, missed opportunities. But no going back to re-do, only the chance to do better going forward.

Thank you all for making this journey a bit easier than it would be alone

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD (18 and 22 at the time)
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 2+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: A state of unrest
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, January 27th (Wednesday)

It is always nice to hear positive reconciliation stories. In my case, I used to gravitate toward ones who gave me hope that I could reconcile with a WW. They always seemed few and far between. So I'll share mine... in the hope that some guy out there who can't see a light at the end of their tunnel can use my story as a framework to find happiness.

Our affair story is an ugly one. Very long term, with a coworker. Horrible decision-making on the part of my wife involving my kids, unprotected sex, pregnancy and termination. It was just a bad scene all around. We are both professionals and we could have easily ended our 20 year marriage and moved on. But, instead of focusing on how BAD the affair was, I would like to reflect on how we got past it.

Like most others, reconciliation goes through a tough first year or two. There are a TON of parameters that must be met - and, as I often remind the newly betrayed, a WS isn't always on board with those parameters just because they were caught. They are accustomed to certain behaviors and it isn't until they really decide to reconcile that those guidelines can be effectively put into place. And until that time... hoo boy. The roller coaster crazy train is going full speed ahead. I can easily recall the pain of looking at my wife as she told me she wasn't sure if she was 100% in on the marriage. The pain is very real and very deep.

The key turning points for us were two-fold. First, it was my wife seeing the enormous cost that her affair put on our family. If a WS can truly feel the pain they are creating and really WANT to make things right - it is a HUGE step in a positive direction. That, as we all know, just isn't there for everyone. My wife was able to feel the repercussions... in me, in our girls, and in the disapproval by family and friends. In her heart she knew she had made terrible choices and she simply couldn't sit with that - she needed to fix what she had done.

The second key is my tolerance. I tend to look at things objectively - even when they're very emotional. For example, the sexual exploits (some that she didn't do for me) really tore me up at first. But I quickly looked at it and realized that, in the end, it was just sex. Neither of us were virgins at marriage and I never dwelled on who she slept with before we met... so was it really THAT important now? I was able to understand that sex, and sometimes crazy sex, is what people do in affairs. Quite frankly, if I was in an affair I would probably do the same thing! So that part of the reconciliation made things that much easier.

There are guys who simply can't handle this when they discover their wife's infidelity. It's just too much. And I get that. To me, in the end, there are things that people do in affairs and sex is one of them. The SEX is not the deal breaker.

We are now 4 years down the road. My wife has become a new person. And so have I. When I have needs or wants I communicate them - still not always very effectively - but they are discussed. We work harder to be there for each other and we focus on making the marriage a better place. The boundaries that had been set up for my wife are now simply part of her M.O. - if she needs to go on a business trip I get the itinerary without asking, I get Facetimed from the hotel room, love notes are left on my bed. She sees me sliding toward the rabbit hole and immediately knows to gently bring me back. I try harder to be a better husband. To be supportive. To communicate. To be her guy. She makes a stronger attempt to meet my (sometimes new) sexual needs and I try to meet her needs of support and affirmation.

And that's probably the biggest change. The marriage is now the priority. We work to be the partners we always wanted to be but simply never were. And while the affair will always be a part of us - and somewhere in my head - it is fading to a distant place.

I often say that there comes a time when you have to stop blaming your spouse and sticking the affair in their face. It becomes counter-productive. If you can't deal with what happened - then move on. But if it has a chance there is a time when you need to move TOWARD one another. We have done just that and the marriage is SO much better as a result. It will never be perfect. There will always be a sense of sadness - but it's just as sad for her as it is for me.

And, guess what? We use that sadness to make sure we never, ever go down that rabbit hole again. It keeps pushing us toward better things, toward a better life.

I am a positive reconciliation story. You can be, too.

"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 456 | Registered: Jan 2013
New Member
Member # 51575
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, January 30th (Saturday)

Married 22 years this week. Nearly 3 years post DDay from a 14 year affair. I still wonder how I didn't know.

EVERY Day my H does every thing right to make sure I am the center of his world. He allows my triggers and emotions and has never blamed me for anything. Our marriage is stronger now but we went to individual and couples therapy for almost two years before getting to this point.

I just found this site today and I wish that I had found it three years ago. Many days I have felt like I had nobody that understands what I am going through. Reading everything on here makes me feel connected. I would love to connect specifically with others who have survived and reconciled from long-term affairs.

M 1994
3 Children
DD1 11/25/11
DD2 3/17/12 WT
14 years one OW

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jan 2016
New Member
Member # 51457
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, February 1st (Monday)

Just 2 months since D day..... don't know if it is too early to post here. We have been married for 23 years and my husband had numerous one-night stands with call girls. But his reaction when I caught him was like...he was waiting to get caught. I did not have to make much effort making him convince all that he did (except the ones he didn't remember) .
He is working hard I know. He cannot imagine life without me.When I suggest that we live apart, he burst out crying, although he is a very strong man and he couldn't fake it. He keeps telling me a hundred times that he loves me....he used to say that before also, but now it sounds different....something right out of his remorseful soul.... I know it is hard for me to forgive and love him like before. It is so early to say that and my wound is still fresh. But for our kids sake, He is trying hard and so am I.
WS-My husband, 44 years
BS- Me 44 years
D Day- November 25
Been Married for 23 years and he has been cheating on me for 17 years( don't know exactly)

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jan 2016
Member # 50957
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, February 7th (Sunday)

LifeIsCrazy-thank you.....i want to be able to reconcile with my WW but the thought that another man saw my wife nude (they sexted-never had sex AFAIK) is still a issue for me as is her outright betrayal of our family and our marriage.....reading stories like yours gives me hope that maybe someday i'll be able to put all of that behind me and stay on the path towards an even better marriage

Me (BS):43
Her (WW): 37
Married: 09/27/2003
Been together since 2000
Kids: 2 (boy 8/girl 10)
Dday: 9/16/2014

Doing better but the scars are still there

Posts: 56 | Registered: Dec 2015 | From: Kansas
Member # 45817
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, February 17th (Wednesday)

I have been on SI now for just over 14 months and this will be my 1000th post. When I first came here I was a complete and utter mess. I felt worthless and was so hopeless that I thought the only way out of the pain was to commit suicide. In fact, that was all I thought about for the first four months after d-day and on February 3, 2015 I attempted to take my own life. I am so grateful that I did not succeed!

A lot has changed in the 16 months since d-day, and things are still changing almost daily. I see such a difference in myself and in BetterFuture13. We are each growing and maturing and so is our M.

We have both struggled with mental health issues and addictions but never really dealt with them, but the one thing that has come out of all of this is that we are both working on our own shit now. I was just diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex-PTSD and have started taking anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. I am waiting to get into a DBT skills group for the BPD and am in counselling for the abuse and sexual assaults that I endured between the ages of 12-25 (which I had stuffed deep inside until the trauma of BF13's A brought all of it to the surface).

BF13 is currently being assessed for BPD (and other mental health issues as well) and is working hard with a very good IC. He has suffered major depression and was an alcoholic (he now has just over a year of sobriety). He had a history of running away from life and making excuses for things. He doesn't run away anymore. He sits with me when I am screaming and crying and melting down and tries to comfort me. He doesn't get defensive any more. He is an open book and is completely transparent. He answers my questions no matter how many times I have asked them. He has admitted to so many things I never would have been able to prove. He is becoming honest with me, but more importantly, he is becoming honest with himself.

When he became visually impaired just over six years ago life as he knew it had ended. He gave up on everything - including himself. He felt worthless. After d-day he sunk even lower and was consumed with shame, he made excuses why he couldn't do things and I was very close to giving up...

And then he started to change. He begin digging himself out of the hole he was in. He finally started to use the touch screen computer we had bought and figured out how to use the screen-reading software on his own. He began reading on SI and then he began posting. He set up online banking and began taking care of paying the bills (something I had done for almost our entire relationship). He also has a CCTV that he uses to read books, although most of the time we read together (which has been really good for us as it has allowed us to have some very meaningful conversations and insights). He also has books saved to his phone so he can listen to them when he is working on things around the house or when I am in my IC appointments.

His actions every day show me how remorseful he is. He has been working so hard on himself and he has inspired me to work on myself too.

There is a long way still to go on our journey, and we recognize that there will always be work to do, but we are doing it TOGETHER!

“Transformation occurs only when we remember, breath by breath, year after year, to move toward our emotional distress without condemning or justifying our experience.”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3312 | Registered: Dec 2014
Member # 49991
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, February 18th (Thursday)

Onlytime what a truly inspiring journey. Congratulations to you both. I see many glimpses of the "other side" of this and I hope that eventually that is all I can see.


I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2015 | From: Northeast
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, February 20th (Saturday)

I haven''t been around as much for a while, because FWH and I have been getting our house ready to sell. Note, I say our house, not our home. It hasn''t been our home for almost four years now, since DDay. Actually for far longer than that.

What''s better, is that we are working TOGETHER, to get the house fixed up for sale. And FWH, while admitting that he isn''t looking forward to the actual process of selling this one, buying a new one (downsizing majorly), and making the move, has told me on more than one occasion that he''s looking forward to getting me into a house without all of the bad associations, where there are no areas that I look at, and feel a twinge. This is major, because I never thought that he would agree to sell and move.

Even more important, this move means having to go through all of our "stuff," and making some hard decisions about keep, re-home, or discard. About a week ago, I noticed that FWH was getting really agitated and starting to withdraw by hiding in his computer game and reading a lot. Normally, this is the cue for both of us to withdraw until someone explodes, and then try to work through it. This time, though, when I mentioned that I felt like he was far, far away, he admitted it, and said that he wanted to journal a bit, and then talk. So we set up a time about a week from that point. He started to journal, told me that while what he was writing wasn''t private and that I could ultimately read it, would I please give him a few days with it to revisit and think. Which I did.

After a listing of the top 5 things bugging him, some of which he realized wasn''t truly important, a deep-seated anxiety of his, losing his "stuff," and being asked to discard things that he wasn''t sure he wanted to, popped up. This is an ongoing thing with him, as if you read my profile you''ll see. Him hoarding his "stuff," even when (porn) it meant that he was running the risk of me walking out permanently. This is another trigger point for both of us because frankly, I don''t understand it. Navy brat, constantly leaving stuff behind, not all that attached to anything because, well, why bother? But we sat down and I really listened to him, vice immediately thinking that this "stuff" was far more important to him than me. And what I heard was that, a goodly part of his anxiety was not knowing the size of the place that we were going to move to, and being afraid of discarding something he really wanted to keep because of perceived lack of room, and then finding out that we did indeed have enough room for the item(s). Which made sense to me.

So, I went and rented a storage unit and gave him the key. Told him that anything that he had any hesitation about, we would store for up to a year, and at the end of the year, if we hadn''t found a place for it in our new home, then we would re-home it. But meanwhile, we''d keep it until an informed decision could be made. Problem solved.

Point being, he bent and let me in to his FOO issues. I got past my FOO issues and listened to what he felt and why he felt it. And we were able to find a solution that gave both of us what we needed. Him, the luxury of time to re-visit his decisions without regret, and me, a timeframe for the decisions to be made. A perfect, for us, compromise.

We are getting better at listening to each other AND at checking in if one of us feels that the other one is withdrawing. Our focus is staying on each other, vice being self-centered. And on doing that, which we both need, to keep on healing. Some days are a struggle still, but the majority of days are not, and we have a whole lot of days that are pure joy. Together.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9080 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 48027
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, February 22nd (Monday)

Something happened this weekend that seems to have helped me turn a corner! The back story is that during his A my FWH bought his AP a very pretty, heart shaped necklace - oh, about $200.00 - that I found out about when I asked him in December if he'd ever bought her a gift for Christmas in 2014. She had returned it to him (via a mutual acquaintance) when he blocked her from everything in October. I asked him to please get rid of it and he said he'd pawn it, get what he could for it and we'd go out to dinner or something. Then he didn't do it. And didn't do it. "no time", doncha know? I had a bad dream about it Saturday night and was telling him about it and pointed out that "no time" is a bullshit excuse. When I got home from church yesterday he asked if I still planned to do a fundraising walk that afternoon and if so, would it take me over a local river? Yes and probably......he handed the necklace to me and said take it. Throw it away. It means nothing to me and I don't want you thinking it does. And, I know it seems small, but him being willing to let me do that (and I did!) and getting how that symbol of what he felt for her then was holding us back just makes me feel like we're moving forward again!

Me:62-BW Him:59-WH
2 DDs, 30 & 33, M-35 years
DDay - 3-25-15

Reconciling, but man is it hard to get past the pain!

Posts: 414 | Registered: May 2015 | From: Northern Indiana
Member # 47498
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, February 24th (Wednesday)

My birthday was yesterday . . . time to change my age in my signature

My husband planned out the evening -- contacted our daughters and worked it out that they would each come home yesterday (a Tuesday and both are college students). He picked up menus from a sushi place we've been to and liked, and contacted my parents, inviting them to join us for dinner (and giving my parents a menu so they could choose from the non-sushi items since they are more "traditional" in their food preferences ) He picked up the food and our youngest on his way home from work. I arrived home earlier and helped my older daughter make a flourless chocolate cake. The evening was absolutely perfect! My daughters home and spending the night, my parents with us to celebrate and enjoy their grandchildren for the evening, no tension between fWH and I. Just as good and "normal" of a night as one could hope for, particularly after all this family has been through.

I decided to not drink for the month of February, due to my recognition of how I use alcohol to numb my pain, avoid issues that need to be addressed. So that was also noticeable -- no alcohol to cloud my judgment, to in any way take me away from being fully present with my family and parents.

When I came to bed there was an envelope on my pillow. Here are the words he wrote to me:


I am so happy to be here with you for our 26th time celebrating your birthday. I live with knowledge of the past, but the hope for the future is very strong, and I think we will celebrate your birthday 26 years from now, children and grandchildren present. I love you. I love us. I love this family. You make this all possible. I also feel that I have the best of you that you have ever been, now and right here. The years have made you wise and strong, and I am so lucky to be close to you like I have never been close to any other person my whole life.

Love, and only yours,
Mr Psych

There is much to be hopeful for, much to be thankful for. Out of the darkest of days and nights has come a glimmer of a new dawn for our marriage, and most importantly, for each of us as human beings. We are working to be better. Better together, but also better on our own. I think this is the only way to do this--and that is something I learned here on SI: Fix yourself first, then the other stuff will fall into line.

[This message edited by psychmom at 4:09 PM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD (18 and 22 at the time)
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 2+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: A state of unrest
Member # 52165
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, March 9th (Wednesday)

My D-Day was April 28th, 2015. Her affair had actually ended a year prior to me finding out.

Jump ahead a month or two. We were out somewhere. On the way home she asked if she could go for a motorcycle ride when we got home. This shocked me, as working on and riding motorcycles is a big hobby of mine, but she'd always shown disinterest in anything to do with it. We took a short ride, her first time on a bike! She was nervous, but she enjoyed it. Through the summer we started taking longer rides. But none of my motorcycles were built to carry two people in comfort.

So another shock when she suggested that we buy a larger bike made for two people. This was going to be a large monetary purchase for something she previously disliked me spending money on. In late August we bought the bike that we now call "our" bike. Over the next 2.5 months before the riding season here ended, we put almost 3000 miles on it, strictly during our Saturday recreational rides.

As surprising as it is, the hobby I love, and the hobby she previously didn't care about, brought us very tightly together. We have created more memories, and took more couples photos during the last year than we had in the previous 18 years of marriage. She's jumped in with both feet, buying her own helmet, jacket, etc. She's always talking about our rides with her friends, sharing photos on FB. As a motorcyclist, she has kind of become my dream girl. The weather is starting to warm up here, and she's started talking about biking again. I can't wait.

Note: I edit my posts often to correct failed autocorrects.

Posts: 815 | Registered: Mar 2016
New Member
Member # 50443
Happy  Posted: 10:37 AM, March 12th (Saturday)

My first d-day just passed. Wasn't at all what I expected. We decided to take that weekend back and go to Vegas. I never knew it could be such a healing place. This was the first time to go to Vegas toghether since we got married there almost 8 years ago. We Spent the first day there like we were newlyweds, went to see a show, nice dinner and dancing. What a great weekend spent in Love and gratitude. We have always felt a great love for one another and it's returning again. One week later I'm still basking in the this place of peace. As you all very well know it is hard to find peace and Love in the first year for either yourself or the WS, but I'm so very grateful that we are in that space now. I pray it lasts!

Posts: 20 | Registered: Nov 2015
Member # 46071
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, March 23rd (Wednesday)

We keep moving forward. And that's what it is all about!

I call this "positive" today!

Me = BH
fWW- 2014 affair most of year; EA Feb/March became PA April until DDay
Married 12/20/1986
DDay- 12/08/14
2 children, 24 & 22
OM = Wife's best friend's brother
We're both working on R

Posts: 2535 | Registered: Dec 2014 | From: Virginia
Member # 48882
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, March 29th (Tuesday)

Psychmom -- I love that story. Thank you so much for your inspiration and sharing.

Good things are happening for me and my husband right now. I don't want to post too soon because I want my story to be truly inspirational for anyone having to deal with this crap, but I believe I will be back to share one day. :)

BS - me 44
FWH - him 46
Married 22 years
DDAY- 6/30/2015
8/29/2016 update - Reconcilled and completely happy

Posts: 800 | Registered: Aug 2015
New Member
Member # 49153
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, April 19th (Tuesday)

It was a rough road with lots of peaks and valleys. We've gone to and "graduated" from couples counseling. She has been wonderful, when I become anxious she's always there to tell me I have nothing to worry about and to listen when I just need to talk. A couple of weeks ago, I was teaching our 4y/o how to use binoculars. I look over to see my wife looking at me with a very pleasant look in her eyes and a big smile. It was how she used to look at me, made me smile. I asked, "whacha smiling about?" She smiled even bigger and said, "oh just noticing how handsome you are." Made my year!
We are doing great and we are continuously working on our relationship.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Aug 2015 | From: United States
Member # 47498
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday)

Hello! (and congrats Hidden Path!)

I really do believe that Mr Psych and I will make it through this, a bit battle tested and weary after all we've been through the past 20 months, but I think we have what we need to go the distance. And I just want to offer hope to others seeking it that it IS possible. But it has not been the smooth journey I believed it would be when we started out. What on earth was I thinking?

But here's where we are today. In December Mr Psych built 4 raised beds in our back yard so we could grow vegetables together this year. I've always been the lone gardener in our family, but he really wants to be a part of this now, work as a team on it. He's brought home loads of dirt, I bought some plants and have started seedlings. We've been outside each night for the past 2 weeks covering our cold weather crops like worried parents One of my triggers was working outdoors in my gardens and on landscape projects because I was doing that work alone the summer of his affairs, so him being with me, wanting to help me and knowing the memories I have of that time is something I see as a huge positive.

And we are also planning to do a major kitchen re-do in July, most of the work being done by Mr Psych and I. One of the first major meltdowns he had shortly after DDay was the night he found me in our house, grabbed me sobbing, saying how much he'd neglected the house over the years, and how that neglect was a reflection of his neglect of our marriage and of me. He GOT it, but it took another 6 months or so for it to really sink in how far away his mind had gotten from his home, his family, his decency.

And we've got 2 vacations planned for the coming year. One with our daughters and another just for he and I. As he put it, we have so much potential! And now the opportunity to do all of the things our early days of marriage promised. We CAN be that couple growing old together, teasing one another, holding hands while walking the dog down the street. We've found our connection again. But with all of the vulnerability and brutal honesty we've uncovered within ourselves and well as with our marriage, we're able to make changes that we hope will move us in a very successful direction.

No delusions that it will be smooth sailing all of the way. But what is different is that I understand him better than I ever have. And he understands himself. And he's beginning to understand me as I learn to open up and trust him again, share my fears as well as my pleasures with him. We have this "funny" relationship story that I doubt many outside of the infidelity world would understand, but we don't care. This is about us, about our family, about the love we still have for one another, although we both felt it had been lost not too long ago. All it needed was a bit of a spark of recognition to reignite.

For us, it's working. He recently told me he knows I have a few more trips down the rabbit hole likely in me, but he's okay with that. He's ready to help pull me back up when I stumble, try to shift the burden off of my shoulders onto his when I feel too weak to continue.

I may be a fool to believe this is real. But I do. It's messy at times, hard as hell at others. But also more loving and honest than it's ever been between us. That is what our DDays have done for us -- caused us to look deep within ourselves, decide what we really want, what really matters, and as fearlessly as possible work toward creating a marriage that helps each of us become the individuals and the couple that we desire to be. There IS hope

[This message edited by psychmom at 12:17 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday)]

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD (18 and 22 at the time)
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 2+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: A state of unrest
Member # 47603
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, May 28th (Saturday)

Happy for u psychmom.

[This message edited by Carealot at 1:56 AM, May 28th (Saturday)]

Me 56y/o BW
Him 56Y/O FWH BP
DDAY #2 4/13/15
TT DDay #3&4 4/20/15 and 4/21/15 EA from last July was actually a PA till Dec.2014.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Apr 2015
Member # 45817
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, June 11th (Saturday)

It has been almost four months since I posted on this thread and 20 months since dday, and while life has gotten hectic and stressful, BF13 and I are doing really well.

We have been doing MC for months now with a therapist that uses EFT (Emotionally-Focused Therapy) for couples. We have had 9 sessions out of the 12 we are allowed, and after the third session we decided to order the workbook our therapist was using for our assignments, and began working on the exercises on our own between sessions. I can't even begin to describe how much better we communicate now and how much stronger our bond is.

The draw to EFT for us is that it based in attachment theory and addresses the fears of abandonment we have both had throughout our relationship. We have learned to better understand our own, as well as each other's, emotional responses and where they have come from, which has allowed us to have compassion for one another and to strengthen our bond with one another.

I am still trying to recover from the trauma that BF13's A caused. I was diagnosed with complex-PTSD back in February, as well as Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been taking mood stabilizers and antidepressants regularly since and am in biweekly IC with a therapist who has been helping me to rebuild my strength and discover my self-worth. I am hoping to get in to see a CPT therapist in the next little while to process my traumas and am working on learning to regulate my emotions with a DBT workbook while I wait to get into DBT classes.

BF13 is still in IC and has been sober for 16 months now. He began a new job about 3 months ago and he calls me on his lunch every day and we spend almost the whole half hour talking. He checks in with me at least a few times a day by text as well to see how I am doing.

He is nowhere even close to the man he was before. He faces life head-on now instead of running away. He doesn't get stressed out or angry when things don't go right (which was his pattern). He talks about his feelings and listens to me when I share mine. He continues to be empathetic and to validate my feelings and worries.

He still talks about the A with me anytime I bring it up and is always open and honest with his responses. He never tells me I should be over it and has never asked for forgiveness. He still holds me and comforts me when I get triggered.

His consistency with all of these things, as well as his genuine remorse, have allowed me to begin feeling safe and to begin trusting him again.

Our nest is no longer empty - our youngest DD is back at home and is due to have a baby in October (right around the 2nd antiversary of dday), so she is on an emotional roller-coaster. Our dream home is falling apart and we are not sure how we are going to get it fixed. Our youngest GS has been having multiple health issues, as have I. And, we just quit smoking three weeks ago. All things that we wouldn't have coped well with before, but we are getting through all of it - as a team.

We are growing so much, both individually and as a couple.

I am really glad I made the choice to R.

“Transformation occurs only when we remember, breath by breath, year after year, to move toward our emotional distress without condemning or justifying our experience.”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3312 | Registered: Dec 2014
Member # 53606
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, June 23rd (Thursday)

Hello everyone. I have been reading and posting a little bit. First I want to say that I live in Latinamerica and that I speak Spanish. So forgive my bad Englsih. The letters you use (BS, MC etc) are confusing to me - I can guess what they mean - so I won't use them if you don't mind.
My story is a bit different that many others here, but I post it anyway. Maybe it will help.
The events happened about 10 years ago. I wish I would have had a forum like this when it happened it would had helped me a lot.
When my second son was born (we have two boys), my wife was a real emotional mess. At first I thought that she was suffering of post birth depression (I am a psychologist), but then I realized that it was something worst. She was just crying all day. Staying in bed. Not wanting to breast feed the baby and she started to have suicidal thoughts.
It took me a while to realize that my wife was suffering from depression. In my defense I must say that I had to take care of my two kids, my house, my job and her. And even when I got a lot of help from my mother I was clearly overloaded.
I took her to a pyschiatrist how diagnosed her with depression and medicated her. Medication helped for a bit. At least she got out of bed and started to take care of the baby. But she was clearly not well.
Since she is a fervent catholic she decided to talk with a priest in our local parrish where she attended mass.
At first it seemed to help her. But I started to notice a lot of strange behaviours. She was calling him a lot of times a day and she was talking with him on the phone in our bedroom with the door closed. The priest name started to be dropped a lot of times in her conversations and she was going a lot of times going to see him at the parrish. It was obvious to me that something really wrong was going on. One day when I returned from work I even found the priest in my home.
But my wife was far from being good. As a matter of fact she getting worst.
One day after meeting with him she came home crying and lay on bed.
I pressed her to tell me what had happened and at first she refused. But I keep pushing and she finally told me everything.
She have had an emotional affair with the priest.
She felt that he cared about her, that he really listened her and understand what she was going on.
it is not clear to me to this day if she felt that she feel for him, but there was obviously a strong emotional connection and need to be with him.
The priest took advantage of her, while hugging he felt her up and they kissed in the lips a couple of times (the last two acording to her). She swears to this day that they never had sex and I believe her.
She told me everything I asked her and begged me not to dump her. It was obvious to me that she was not thinking clearly because of her condition and that the priest had abused of her precarious state of mind.
I told her that she had to go no contact with him and she agreed. She had decided so by herself the last time. I went to the parrish to talk to the priest and told him I knew everything. That he must no talk to her any more or I would shout in the middle of the sunday mass what he had done.
You must understand that in my country catholic church is a very powerful institution and I couldn't report him specially without any proof. I also went to talk with the bishop who heard my story and told me he would take care about it. "Take care" was simply to transfer the priest to another church.
I took my wife to another pyschiatrist and made a lot of new studies and we found out that she was bipolar. They changed medication and she started therapy to work on her personal issues. Since then she got better and better though from time to time she relapses in her depressión and we need to adjust her medication.
The day we got married I promised that I will take of her for better or worst and that's what I am doing. It is hard because medication has a lot of side effects but, ten years after, she is almost the girl I knew and feel in love with.
She never ever did anything like this after that.
In fact, when she recovered with the new meds, she told me that part of her knew that what the priest was doing was wrong but that she didn't had the emotional strenght to fight it.
We are still martried ready to celebrate 20 years of marriage.
I hope this is not too long.

[This message edited by Esteban at 7:24 AM, June 23rd (Thursday)]

You come first. Love and respect yourself.

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jun 2016 | From: Buenos Aires
Member # 46888
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, July 9th (Saturday)

Just checking in with my story so far. I'm a MH and hope no one has any problem with me posting here. I was having emotional affairs with 2 men at different times over text. Nothing physical happened. It transpired WH was having a physical affair with family friend and was planning to leave me for her. Karma in action eh? So, when the shit hit the fan, I confessed what I had done and we decided to try to R. It has been the toughest 21 months of our lives but also the most wonderful 21 months if that makes sense! We are like different people. We put each other 1st ALWAYS. I am now top priority and vice versa. Prior d day I would have been last in the pecking order. I now have the husband I always wanted and I hope I am the wife he has always wanted. Both of us gave up our careers and started a new business together and we haven't been apart since d day. We are like best friends again that have a very good sex life. It's so sad that our marriage was neglected so badly and that we were weak and so self absorbed that we were flattered by the opposite sex and did what we did. It is something we will regret for the rest of our lives but if we can learn from it, move on and build a better relationship and future together, then everything that happened will not be in vain. Hold on if you can, and if the WS is doing all they can to help you heal, you will see the light peaking through at the end of the tunnel. I'm not there yet but I am just starting to feel that one day I might be. And that gives me hope. Take care everyone

Posts: 353 | Registered: Feb 2015
Member # 45088
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)

Two years ago today was the day the world as I knew it ended. MY DDay...July 19, 2014...the day I was put into this infidelity HELL through no CHOICE of my own .

My FWH started off his confession with..."I love you like I've never loved anyone else...but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore." He had been back home two days. He was working overseas for 4 1/2 months...the last 2 1/2 of those months were without me because I had to come back to the United States for a family emergency and ended up having to stay. My immediate perspective on what he said was that we were apart and had grown detached. So I hugged him and told him it was alright...we could work things out. He didn't hug me back. In fact...he had barely hugged me at all in the last 2 days.

Instead...he went on to tell me that he had met someone...and he told me her name. I went numb. I asked what they had done...thinking he had met her online...or maybe at a bar and had drinks. He replied..."everything". My mind started reeling..."You mean you had sex?". He couldn't even answer...all he could do was nod. I pushed myself away from him...and very calmly and matter-of-factly said..."the marriage is over.". My perspective changed in that instant from working on our there not being a marriage anymore.

I asked him what he was going to do...and he could barely eke out "I don't know.". "I will leave you alone then to contact her...and y'all can start making plans for the future." I then got up and walked out of the living room...and into the bedroom. He was now a free man...and I was a free woman. FWH followed me into the bedroom and asked to lay down with me. I agreed...and for the first time since he had been home from FWH snuggled up to me in bed. We talked a little while...mostly about our future without each other...then I told him he needed to go and contact the OW. The time difference between her country and ours made it to where she would be sleeping if he didn't go and contact her soon. I didn't want to have this drag on further. My FWH reluctantly got up and left.

While I was laying in the bed...I began to wonder...WHY did my FWH follow me into the bedroom...instead of contacting the OW and starting their new life together? My FWH was telling fucking another woman...that he did not want to be married to me. At least that was what my perspective had always been about infidelity. So WHY did he not call her immediately?

I then started thinking about our children...they would be devastated. But they were all grown and had lives of their own...and I knew they would be alright. Then I started thinking about the plans we had made for our future...plans of renovating the house...these would all be THEIR plans now. OH HELL NO!!! This southern woman then got MAD at the thought of another woman stepping in and taking over where I was leaving off. Ever see a southern woman get MAD??? It's NOT pretty !!!

Suddenly my perspective changed from leaving the not letting another woman have what WE worked hard to attain. I then asked myself the hardest question ever...could I stay married to a cheater??? Surprisingly my answer was YES. I had already lost the marriage I had...and the love of my life...but maybe we could salvage something good out of this crap. There were a few conditions that my FWH would have to meet first though...and I came up with a list of ultimatums in my head. If he didn't agree to EVERY ONE...I would leave...and make sure the OW didn't get a penny of what was MINE. They could share HIS half...but not MINE.

I went back in the living room...and he had already finished messaging with the OW. I told him that the marriage might not have to be over...and told him how I didn't love him like I did before...but that I didn't want the OW to get what we had worked for. I then told him my ultimatums...and said these were non-negotiable. I told him I wanted the first one to be done immediately...he HAD to write to the OW and tell her he was NEVER having contact with her again. If he did contact her for any reason...the marriage would definitely be OVER. My FWH agreed to ALL of the ultimatums and started writing the NC message. Within an hour my perspective had changed from being a single being a married woman again!! Needless to say...the OW's perspective changed too...and she was NOT happy about it...but that is a whole OTHER story !!!

Throughout these last two years...our perspective has changed many times. There have been times when I thought the only way to ease this pain was to end my life...thankfully that perspective has been gone for a while . Even my perspective about being happy my username states...has changed. I have been happy many times since DDay...but I have been extremely sad also. What I find most satisfying is having PEACE again . I have truly found serenity in accepting that my husband fucked another woman...told another woman he loved her...and told me he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. These...things...happened. But they are NOT what is happening NOW .

Today...when I woke up and remembered the date...I got a little sad . My FWH...who has become quite attuned to my emotions...asked me if I was alright. I told him I would was just that today was the anniversary of one of the worst days of my life and I was feeling sad. He then smiled and told me this was one of the BEST days of his . I looked at him with a really puzzled look on my face . He sweetly reminded me that TODAY...two years ago...when I uttered those words..."the marriage is over"...his heart SANK. It was in that moment that HIS perspective changed. He knew as soon as I walked out of the living room that he was losing the LOVE of HIS life...and right then and there he had no doubt that he WAS in fact IN LOVE with me. He told me that for the first time in years...he saw ME...and he didn't know what to do next...but all he wanted to do was be NEAR ME. When I later told him that maybe we could stay married...he thought to himself that whatever he needed to do...he WOULD do...because he knew he couldn't lose me...I was his life.

I smiled...because he has told me how this day affected him so deeply . My FWH has totally turned himself around from being that selfish person who only thought about being a man I am very PROUD to call my "F" or "W" in front of it .

Then he went on to tell me to be dressed up when he comes home from work...because he has made PLANS...for CELEBRATE the day our NEW marriage began !!

I COULD still be sad...because this IS the anniversary of one of the worst days of my life. But I CHOOSE to be HAPPY...because it is also the day that the marriage I have always dreamed of came to be . It's ALL about perspective!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Southeastern United States
Member # 53035
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)

This is for Want2BeHappyAgain...

H ended trickle truth and I have been able to verify some of it. Some trust in him is being restored. He took it upon himself to seek therapy/management for what is looking like high functioning autism (formal diagnosis next week). He is minimizing less and when he does, I can call him out on it and he reevaluates. He has been apologizing more. One year out and I am coming around to wanting to forgive. Not there yet, but I feel something is different inside me.

I think he finally forgave me for my own egregious transgressions years ago. I will never stop working to be a better person.

Healing for both of us. Perhaps this is what happens when there is remorse on both sides in a mad hatter equation.

Posts: 391 | Registered: May 2016 | From: Deep South
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)

It has been 11 years!! And my h just called from work to tell me he is working late.

Might not sound like much. But when I realize 11 years later he still does this so I can trust and verify where he is when he is late. That is kind of a big deal.

(His affair was with a coworker and he used to call from his cell and lie about where he was.)

So it's not perfect, nothing ever is. But it's pretty nice to know that this many years out, he doesn't take my trust for granted.

Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 8222 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Member # 48243
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)

Even though we have a long way to go and even though I am not in a good place lately and even though my Wh not only didn't take the garbage out when asked but just plain doesn't take out the garbage, I believe we are going to make it. If can just get rid of the mind movies and wilting anger that I suppress

Wh asked me to marry him again. Said he wanted to show me
that he can do it right. He listened to a minister at a wedding talk about what a m should be and said he didn't do so much of what he should have and he wants to show me he can do it right. He is trying. He is really trying to be a better person and h.

PA approx 5 weeks in 2005
EA approx 7-8 years same AP
PA approx 18 mos- 2 years-he doesn't remember- same AP.

so far successfully in R

Posts: 1542 | Registered: Jun 2015
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)

Here you go Want2BHappyAgain:

I'm 7 years post D-day/final TT.

"You are what you were when you were value programmed, and you are value programmed at an early age, likely between the ages of 7 and 17. The only exception to this is if you subsequently undergo a major life tragedy, for example a bad divorce, a near death experience, rape, a death of a very close loved one, etc." My foreign history college professor lectured this statement over and over to drive home a point, countries will not change overnight when you give them democracy, especially if the country is not experiencing wide spread tragedy and fighting for it too. The ingrained value programming of it's people must change. Little could I predict how profound this statement would be about my life.

My wife and I grew up in completely different moral environments. This caused our world views to be completely different. I suppose our differences are what attracted us to each other. I was her rock. She was my flower. Love is seeing yourself through another. Little did I understand she was growing from pot was filled with family of origin sh_t, and I was an emotionless dense mass.

Infidelity was my life tragedy that changed me. The question was, what path do I follow. Many of you probably heard the Bercht book title. I didn't like it either. But 3 years later I got it. If you and your spouse do the hard work, i.e., face the pain and learn from it, reflect, learn why, don't rug sweep, you will earn great wisdom and forever change your lives positively. You will become liberated. At the same time, it takes both of you. It is very important you cause/make/allow your reconciliation to be a tragedy for your wayward spouse. Force them to reflect. Don't nice them back. Your wayward spouse needs to feel the pain and invest. They must fight for your marriage as much as you. Don't enable your wayward spouse. Be firm with your boundaries. Be willing to stand on your own two feet. Be willing to loose your marriage in order to save it.

[This message edited by still-living at 12:11 AM, July 21st (Thursday)]

WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 1447 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Member # 47498
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, July 21st (Thursday)

Something came up tonight that I wanted to share here. It's been a stormy day. Literally. Flash flood warnings and heavy winds. Mr Psych is in commercial property management and all 3 of his affairs were work-related. Lunch time trysts, after work quickies, on-call visits after hours.

So tonight he gets a call as we're preparing for bed. He tells me he needs to drive to another city where he works, the city of his affairs. This is the first on-call call since DDAY. I am just a tad nervous, but don't show it since I'm sitting with our daughter at the time. And I trust him. I don't believe there is anything at all for me to worry about. But the small trigger is pulled anyway, a small reminder of the past. He tells me he'll call soon as he's heading out the door.

Within 30 mins he calls to give me a briefing. We talk for a few minutes and he needs to get to work. Says he'll call soon. And he does. This time he says he's so sorry. Sorry that I likely am thinking about what he used to do at these times. I tell him yes, it is on my mind. And I thank him for once again apologizing for his affairs. He'd just as soon not bring it up anymore since to him "its dead", but he knows I still need to bring it up, so he's willing to go there with me.

He'll be calling again soon. This is where we are today. This is how far we've come. And it feels good.

ETA: Yep. He called again on his drive home. It helps me to know he is willing to be vulnerable and acknowledge his affairs in this way. We are still working on re-creating this marriage and haven't gotten it all figured out yet. But we're both willing to continue working on it, which at this point feels like R is in full swing.

[This message edited by psychmom at 10:59 AM, July 22nd (Friday)]

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD (18 and 22 at the time)
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 2+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: A state of unrest
Member # 45546
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, July 22nd (Friday)

I got this text from WH yesterday:

I can''t tell you this enough. Tell me what''s going on in your head, no mater what you think it might sound like. I understand why you''re there, I''ve gotten way beyond being defensive. I know how much I''ve hurt you.

This is light years from where we were a year ago at this time.

BW: 44 (me)
WH: 46
Married 15 years 2 kids
DD: August 9 2014
5 month EA with COW, unrequited.
Anon chat room
fishing on FB and in live action, admits to being 'on the lookout' for an opportunity
WH says no PA
12/2/14: tested + for HPV

Posts: 633 | Registered: Nov 2014 | From: Kansas City
Member # 54270
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, July 23rd (Saturday)

Ok....never posted on this thread before but wanted to recognise some positives that have occurred recently.....

My rugsweeping WH has finally started initiating talks, getting me to open up about my feelings no matter how much it hurts him, he is being supportive, he stopped binge drinking of his own accord and pulled himself round without my help.....that's a biggie!!!! He is trying to build my self confidence, gain my trust and help with my anxiety issues. He randomly comes up to me and holds me in his arms just to tell me "we will be ok, I love you so much"

It's a start. I still feel sad, but it's a good start, right?

Posts: 1049 | Registered: Nov 2015
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, July 23rd (Saturday)

I'm not sure why, but I don't visit the R forum much.... But I saw want2Bhappyagain's post and decided I would post some positivity in this thread.... (fingers crossed that I'm not jinxing myself... )

We are about 3.5 years from Dday. Ours, like many, was ugly. Found out 2 of my kids had known for months. It was a mess. He moved out. My kids and I were wrecks. He was not the perfectly remorseful spouse that looked like a great candidate for R. But we had many years of a great M and 3 amazing kids and I wasn't sure that I could throw all of that away without giving our M and our family a chance.

We did MC. We did Retrouvaille. We got our DD in IC. We had our sons do some C also. We were trying, but it was often 2 steps forward, one step back. I didn't find this place right away. I did SO many things wrong. Oh yes, I was dancing the pick-me and all that. He said that he wanted to R, but he was still struggling to disconnect with his AP. We did read some books and we gave it effort. But it was still a struggle.

I give this history to give hope to those who are struggling. My R didn’t follow SI protocol/recommendations. I wish I had found SI sooner… I am certain the good advice here would’ve helped. But, despite that, here is what my M is like today:

My H is kind, loving, affectionate, thoughtful, and proactive. He tells me he loves me all the time and also how lucky he is to have me. He works hard to speak my Love Languages, and I his. We snuggle on the couch even when watching the news. We enjoy each other’s company. We trained together all last summer to do a Tough Mudder with 3 other couples and a 50K hike for CF in the fall. He’s been totally supportive of me through my job search and now as I adjust to being full-time again. He helps with projects around the house. We do many together.

For a long time, he kept business entertaining to the bare minimum (that was his alibi for all his evenings with his AP and a huge trigger for me). Now, if he has to work late, he calls from his office phone, so I can see the caller ID. (Otherwise, he always uses his cell phone, so this is a conscious behavior even 3+ years later). He calls and keeps me updated when he is out for business. He often sends a photo of where he is or who he is with, so that I can rest assured that he’s being truthful. He’s sensitive to things that might trigger me (and if he misses one, he senses right away that I’m triggering and checks if I’m okay and/or apologizes).

Our sex life is really good and frequent. I still have invasive thoughts… I’m not sure when that goes away, if ever, but I’m being honest.

If I look at his actions, (and writing this all out has been good), he is doing an amazing job in R. On the “words” side, maybe not so perfect. I’d like to hear more often that he thinks about it. We don’t talk about it much anymore. I don’t think we’ve rugswept this in any way, but sometimes I’d still like to talk about it. I do know that he’s trying hard and wants to move forward. I do too. But I still think about it a lot and the hurt is still there. I often wish that he would proactively bring it up, so that the onus wasn’t on me. However, like I said, his actions are good.

And, as far as my kids go, he’s worked very hard to re-establish trust and bonds with the boys. They are all in a seemingly good place. My DD is another story. That has been a source of deep pain for me. She was devastated by all this. So very angry and even 3 years out, was having meltdowns when home for breaks. For years, she barely spoke to him. This summer, things seem to be turning a corner. He has written letters and attempted to talk to her before. A few weekends ago, they actually went shopping for a phone together and stopped for coffee. He asked if she would spend some time with him on a day off (she works at a summer overnight camp and is rarely home) and talk…. She AGREED! That is huge progress.

So, please know there is HOPE. Not all WS fall in line immediately. You might get advice to kick them to the curb if they don’t. I’m not saying I recommend my path, but want you to know that if you know, deep down, that your WS is a decent human being who veered way off the path of decency and morality and made horrible decisions for years…. It MAY still be possible to R.

The H is see today is the person that I fell in love with. The person he was during and immediately after his A was often an alien inside my H’s body. I still can’t wrap my head around those transformations completely. And as I told a great SI friend and supporter yesterday, if that alien beast ever appears again, I will not hesitate to behead it immediately!!!! Warm hugs to all of you on this forum!

Me: 49 BS, Him: 51 WH
M 23 yrs - DD21 DS19 DS16
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, S for 1 year, now Reconciling

Posts: 1438 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, July 23rd (Saturday)

I love reading these stories, as I am not yet "there".

But I am trying to work on being positive, so.....

I can happily report that after a horrible childhood and bad FOO issues (him), infidelity 10 years ago (him), and 4 times "failing" at MC (us), my FWH and I will be starting IC in about a week.

He has always been willing to go to MC with me if I set it up, but never IC. He is afraid of the emotions it may raise.

But he has now agreed! That is positive, right?

And Lord knows I can use the help, too!

Thanks want2bhappyagain for encouraging us to post here.

So my positive story isn't quite as fabulous as most of the ones posted here, but it's positive for us.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 11:28 AM, July 23rd (Saturday)]

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

Posts: 3781 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 45274
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, July 23rd (Saturday)

We are 28 months post DDay2 - we are doing very well - but two things happened this past week that really reinforced how far we've come. First, due to the circumstances our adult daughter knew of both DDays. We have not discussed the affair in a long time, but the other night we were just chatting and she told me she could see the positive changes in fWH and our marriage. She told me that at first she thought I was a fool for staying but now she thought I would be a fool for leaving. Also, fWH has very rarely initiated discussing the A-but has always been very supportive when I need to talk. The other night he was watching the new Dierks Bentley video online "It's Different for Girls" about how men and women react differently to breakups. It has a scene of a woman curled up in bed obviously heartbroken. He called me into the room, replayed the video and when it got to that scene he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "This is how I made you feel and I am so sorry for that." Seeing how remorseful he is, the way he acknowledges the pain this has caused, the work he has done to become a better husband tells me I made the right choice in choosing R.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Indiana
Member # 47200
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, July 24th (Sunday)

This is going to be long...or it just wouldn't make sense. I moved back in with my fwh at the end of May. There have been two instances where he really lost his temper and got very angry. I have been suffering from complex ptsd and his anger always triggers an episode. So there were two episodes triggered by him and then two weeks ago, just before we were able to get in to see the mc, I had another episode (not triggered by him). In that episode, I injured myself by falling, pretty bad bruse. Very much a wake up call.
So, I meet with my ic, who is now really pushing for inpatient treatment for me. We had talked about it last year, but I'm really struggling with the cost. Fwh is now looking at trying to refinance the house.
After the first two angry outburst by fwh, he did start looking into what he can do about his anger issues.
Fast forward 3 weeks, after I met with my ic, we had an mc appointment. The mc was helping me relay/enforce my boundaries around his anger. In that session he gets angry with the mc and shuts down. Fortunately, I had group therapy directly after, so face to face support. I was really concerned that my fwh was not going to get it and we would need to separate again.
That night, fwh comes home, apologizes for his anger/shut down at mc, tells me that he realized how frightening that must have been for me and opens up about what made him trigger like that. He then proceeded to call the mc and make amends to him. The following week (this Thursday) we have a very productive mc session, boundaries established and agreed upon.
All that leads up to Friday. I spent an hour on the phone with the inpatient trauma treatment center for the prescreen to get the process started. I have an episode after getting off the phone. I text my ic and fwh. Fwh comes home from work to take care of me. He makes sure I do my treatment (I'm using an Alpha-Stim) feeds me lunch, helps me lay down for a nap. IC texts back, by then I feel okay and let her know how I am.
After the nap, talking with fwh, I get triggered because he doesn't remember something about us that I think he should. He has big memory lapses. Anyway, we argue, he doesn't lose his temper. I go for a drive and can't pull out of it. Later that night, I finally give in and take the anti-anxiety medicine that I hate taking.
This morning I'm still in a funk. Fwh is gentle and patient. He talks me into a short walk, almost a melt down there. He is kind and reassuring the whole time, and I am not being nice. He once again gets me set up with my treatment, feeds me lunch, and then, he really goes above and beyond. I have been really struggling with getting my work done. So he goes into my home office with me and helps me focus enough to get several of the most pressing things done.
Who is this man? Is he the one I would occasionally glimpse that he tried so hard to hide? He is doing the work on himself to heal the brokenness that shattered us both. Today I feel more hope than I have since d-day 17 months ago.

D-day 2/12/15
5 DD (3 his, 2 mine) all grown
married 9/97 together 8/94.
Moved back in 5/30/16 working on R

Posts: 526 | Registered: Mar 2015
New Member
Member # 54445
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 2nd (Tuesday)

Hello everyone
I guess I will start by saying next month my beautiful wife and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage. We have always loved each other and yet we hurt one another the worst possible way. We 5 great kids and we married young and the stress of life came fast. Skipping ahead I was first the WH in a one night stand at 10 years married I was very naive and I was honest with her and naive about her feelings. I didn't realize I crushed her. I am not sure of specifics but she began her story which for me lasted over a year. Then when I became aware I was devestated at what I was finding out. I never learned the whole story and today it dont matter because now I know she was sorry and ashamed and she changed and we were trying to reconcile but After awhile I didn't think I would ever let go of my resentful feelings. We loved each other but we were not connected the way we once were. So any that brings me to now 8mos ago I began a EA not realizing why or how I got in so deep so fast. My wife was aware of this and I was oblivious to the point everything in my marriage in my mind was damaged and ugly and I thought I found what I had been looking for my whole life. I was going to abandon everything. Well let me tell you about my wife she loved me though all of this unconditionally I expected a different response altogether. She knew I was not myself and no matter what showed me love and not one bit of contempt and slowly the walls I built started to crumble. I really didnt think she loved me anymore. And the more grace love compassion and forgiveness she showed made me realize that I wanted my wife all along. I had difficulty end the EA until I understood the facts of what I was involved with And knew I did not ever want anyone but my wife. I learned as much as I could through this, so I could understand and stop this madness. As much as I cared about the AP I realized that It just had to be severed fast with a no contact letter and thats all I will say about that.
So through all of this my resentful was there egging me on and I thought how can I recommit to my marriage with this and I made a decision that I will tell her one last time and ask her the same questions one last time and then I am letting go forever. And like that I felt released and Told her that I was sorry for not forgiving her. She loved me when I was unlovable she forgave me a hundred times over she put up with me shaming her she showed me grace when she could have left. She taught me how to forgive because when you forgive you can grow. I am ashamed and sorry for the things I have done in my marriage and I just thank God that I still have the chance to grow old with the Wife I married. Sorry for rambling.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2016
Member # 54286
Happy  Posted: 1:34 AM, August 3rd (Wednesday)

Scpprisch72... A lovely story. I wish you and your wife a wonderful future. Life is too short to hold on to resentment. Like you said if you can forgive you can grow. All the best to you :-)

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2016 | From: Uk
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, August 19th (Friday)

D-day: 8/19/07

Back then it felt like time couldn't pass quickly enough. Just get us through this! Please let me get through this! was on my mind constantly.

That and, please help me heal, let me get through this pain, give me strength and self-awareness, help me know what to do. Constant prayers going through my mind.

My heart hurt, I was stressed and anxious through every ounce of my being. I didn't know which end was up.

Here we are, 9 years later. We are healed.

I gave LD a card today, just expressing my love and gratitude for him and the man he is. His willingness to bet on me, on us, time and time again, has humbled me.

What a journey. Healing is possible.

“Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of “you’re not alone.” ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 54906 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 52791
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, September 8th (Thursday)

My WH acknowledged today is 5 months since D-day.

It may seem small but it meant so much to me. he sent me a text apologizing and letting me know he knew this would be a hard day. This was such a positive step for us. I am happy to see today how far we've come since D-day, to see his effort and compassion. Gives me hope!

Married 5 years, Together 7
d-day April 8th 2016 most recent PA
May 22 TT learned about 2nd PA
3 years actively searching for SA on dating sites
"People don’t cheat because of who you are, they cheat because of who they are not."

Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2016
New Member
Member # 54324
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, September 15th (Thursday)

Just needing to post my feelings today.
It was great morning and hopefully for great day!

Oh how I love him!

Heard some hopefully words from BH. We are moving forward, it will be long and hard but will be worth it!

These comments give me such hope for his forgiveness one day and our R.

"I have had days and times that I do not think about it"

"I see my life happier with you in it, I love you that is why I am trying"

"I know you are working hard and becoming a better person"

"Have great day Baby (he called baby) and Be safe driving"

After every positive comment I always say thank you for and thank you for trying to forgive.
I also tell him how thankful and grateful I am for trying everyday. I also keep working on fixing myself and issues.

Believe me I know that he could still say he just cannot be with me. But I am grateful and thankful for every moment,and day that I have with him. yes I tell me that I am.

I wish I could undo all the harm and pain I have caused him. I also know that I do not ever expect his complete trust again.

But I am hopefully that one day to again have his respect but trust never, I will always check in with him, not hold back feelings,lie, nor cheat again.

I wait the day that I hear from him that he has forgiven me, I know that day is a long way off. But everyday I will show and prove to him that I am not that selfish and hurtful woman anymore.

I will show him and prove that I care for him, love, and want him only.

I do not PM with anyone on SI, I do not respond to any Male, WH or BH responses or questions.

I only respond to females, WW, BW or Female MH.

This rule for me for life and Boundary I have set for me for SI and Outside SI.

Praying and Working everyday to heal and fix myself so that I am Better person and wife.

God Bless us all and God help us all to heal.

One day at time, Keep healing

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jul 2016
Member # 54286
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, September 29th (Thursday)

I just wanted to post briefly.. We are still early out of dday. (Feb 2016.. Loads of TT til May) it was all very foggy at the beginning.. Shock.. Pain... Complete emotional turmoil. I think i pulled us through the first few months. Then hr came out of 'that fog' he goes to IC. Back to church. Has never told me once to get over it or got defensive over questions. Never blamed me. Always owned his shit. Always says sorry. Always hold me if i cry. Comes home from work early if im having a bad day. Checks in without me asking... He Put a tracker on his phone. He went and spoke to my parents... (They dont know it all just that he cheated. Thats enough for them. They couldnt bare the real truth and i dont want that for them) I have a better hold on my emotions now. I dont go down the rabbit hole as much as i used to. I have come to a place of acceptance instead of "I wish you just stopped" because he didnt and its happened. He IS a good man. He always has been. And i love him so very much. We have become closer on a level i didnt think possible. Now he shares his feelings and its even refreshing to hear him pissed off about something (he never showed any negative emotion ever. Just found a silver lining for everything! There is positivity and then there is unrealistic!) hooray hes now a real human and not striving for unrealistic perfection! My point is... Things are better. So much better! and in the midst of the pain I forget to acknowledge what we are achieving together. Against all the odds.. It might actually be ok! There is a Long way to go and dont be fooled my eyes are wide open. But right now... Things are better. He shows me everyday who he wants to be.

God bless everyone.


Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2016 | From: Uk
Member # 47977
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, October 6th (Thursday)

18 Months later...

I feel my wife's remorse and it's making reconciliation a whole lot easier.

I think I understand, as well as I am able, her whys. Are they good enough? Well... no, not really. Members tried to tell me, a long time ago, that no why, no explanation, no reason or causality, is ever going to be good enough because there's just no justification for infidelity. This is why they call it cheating, I suppose, but it doesn't make anyone feel any better about it. Still, I had to know, you know? I had to understand this, or at least understand that my understanding might just be understandably limited.

My wife is a good woman, who, like so many of us in this life, "imploded." That's her word for it, btw, one she used early on. She wanted to make a change, as she told me, and she did. Since then, she has continued to make changes, for herself, and I have to admit that I'm fairly impressed by how courageously and tenaciously she's embraced this journey of much healthier form of self-discovery. She's not perfect, of course, but on the whole I think she's become a pretty good rebuilder. Trust is being restored, but it's hard to ignore the feeling, sometimes, that I'm playing a game of Russian roulette. Eventually, if that trigger keeps getting pulled... well... you know.

I wish there was some sort of official "SI Survey" I could take. You know the ones with the statements and you're supposed to fill in the dots indicating whether you: "strongly agree, somewhat agree, don't give a shit, seriously?, or hell fucking no!" Early on I'd have been penciling in all of those hf'ing no's just on sheer principle alone. Today, though, I'm somewhat more agreeable than I was a year and a half ago. My wife deserves a lot of credit for that. She endured the rollercoaster with as much grace and mercy as she possibly could, I think. She's seen me become a pathetic wreck on the bathroom floor and twenty-four hours later, feeling like Captain Ahab... had my chest been a mortar, I'd have burst my hot heart's shell upon her.

I've recovered, I think, for the most part (feel free to debate that amongst yourselves). Pencil in that "somewhat agree" circle. I can still get a little unhinged now and again, instinctively wanting to fill in that "hell fucking no!" circle. Triggers, perhaps? Maybe. But at this point, I think that triggers are more apt to bring up some unresolved, or poorly resolved, issue or question that still needs addressing. Of course, along the way, I find a few more crumbs under the rug that I keep thinking should be pretty squeaky clean by now.

Detaching has been incredibly helpful for me, but it's not an easy concept to understand. I sort of look at it as two people who have struggled to weave the fabric of their lives together in some sort of grand tapestry, but have, instead, produced some horribly nebulous mass of entanglements. One night, my wife decided to take out a machete and start hacking away at that horrible mess of entanglements. Machetes are sharp weapons, though, and not to be used in such a wantonly destructive manner.

So, being the mature and wonderfully self-aware man that I am (wink), I pulled out my own machete, just to show that two could play at that game, and started doing a little hacking of my own. No, I didn't have a revenge affair. What I did do, however, was to start untangling that nebulous mess of issues, taking responsibility for what was mine, and gently--or so I'd like to remember it--handing my wife back what was hers. We didn't always agree, of course, and we still have some more untangling to do, some re-weaving of our own to do, but we now know where and how each of us went so terribly wrong.

Separating out our issues from each other, deconstructing the marriage in search of it's true (truer, truish, close enough) narrative, has been, and continues to be, a very eye-opening experience for both of us. How did my issues clash with hers? How did each of our skewed perspectives affect the narratives we wrote for ourselves, not just about our marriage, but about our own lives as well?

So... now, I find myself reading Gottman's book on the seven principles of a good marriage (it was recommended to me nearly a year ago). And as I read and reflect upon our marriage, I find myself thinking truly scary thoughts, like: am I ready to start working on forgiveness?

(What?! Ahhh!!! shake it off, shake it off, shake it off... I just wrote the f-word. It's okay. It's okay... it's oooookayyyy...)

I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive my wife for some of the things she did and said, but on the whole, I'm starting to understand why being open to the experience is so liberating. It feels good, letting go. It feels very good, indeed. And it's soooo much easier to forgive someone as remorseful as my wife seems to be. As heart-broken as I was on d-day, I knew there was one inescapable truth for me: I love my wife.

(Just don't tell her I wrote that. I don't want it going to her head.)

Tomorrow is more important than yesterday.

Reconciled, and still healing, as of Dec. 2016.

(I edit often for clarity & grammar)

Posts: 2953 | Registered: May 2015 | From: Colorado
New Member
Member # 53709
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, October 22nd (Saturday)

A few months ago I found out that my fiancé had been unfaithful through websites and had met someone whilst we split up. He continued to see her after we reconciled and I found out.
We are trying to work things through but I am finding it very difficult I can't believe a word he says to me. I no longer look at his emails phone or iPad for fear of what I might find as it hurt too much the last time.
He says that he has nothing to hide and encourages me to look but I am too coward to look for fear of what I might find and that I would have to finish with him which was so painful the last time.
I have very low self esteem and am forever looking at other women thinking that they are his type.
If I deviates from his pattern of communication I assume that he is talking to another woman.
He wants to get married but I have major doubts about his fidelity and can't commit right now until I am sure about him.
I know he loves me in his own warped way. I feel really weak and stupid and at times hate myself for goin back.
When we are together it is great but if his phone rings or I hear a text message on his phone my heart stops and I panic wondering if it's something that's going to spoil our time together.
In the past I have let go of partners for a lot less than this and not looked back but I am finding it hard to leave him.
I have never in my life been so hooked to someone else.
I seriously believe that there are no such hung as fidelity from a partner as it is so easy to cheat. Where are these faithful men? All my friends seem to have gone through this with their own relationships. It's really got me confused. Had I not checked his emails and phone I would still be oblivious to this now. Probably married. Those who have gone back are you not just waiting for the next Dday?
Really confused and disillusioned right now.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2016
SI Staff
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 5:29 AM, October 23rd (Sunday)


Please post in General or Reconciliation since this doesn't fit the forum description here.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact a moderator.

Thank you.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Member # 50073
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, November 11th (Friday)

Have to say I'm happy to be able post in this thread! Wasn't sure I would 13 months ago!
My husband had a LTA with a CW, for most of our marriage. Needless to say I was devastated. We didn't tell our children (14, 12 and 9 at the time). We still haven't. Our oldest daughter kept asking why we went outside so much! The only thing we ever said was that Mom and Dad are having a tough time talking about some things right now.
I think we were fortunate for a few reasons - first, my husband did EVERYTHING he could for me/us. He put in, an continues to do so, a lot of work. I had a very wise and dear friend who had gone through this and gave some awesome advice and of course everyone here at SI. I don't post much but reading about how others dealt with situations was a huge help!
Just wanted to share on this sunny, but blustery Friday! Hugs to all!

[This message edited by likeapinball at 9:38 AM, November 11th (Friday)]

Posts: 62 | Registered: Oct 2015 | From: Canada
Member # 54298
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, November 14th (Monday)

I am almost a year from Dday. I still can't believe this is my life. I will never understand my FWH's affair with a MOW but I do understand and feel his unwavering love and devotion every day.
I have gone through many ups and downs this last year and I expect I will go through more but I am finally feeling a sense of peace. I love this man and look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. I lost a good friend yesterday (cancer) and he cried with me. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. He lost himself during the A and is a different person now. I can feel it.
I wouldn't believe it would be possible - I threw him out on Dday and said I wanted a divorce. I even saw an attorney and started the paperwork. I still think it was the best thing I could've done. It shocked him into reality and made him really examine his life and his feelings. He moved back 4 mos later. It's taken us a lot of counseling and work and tears but I finally feel as if we've turned a corner. Together.

Me: BW
Him: FWH
LTA one year with local MOW
Dday: 12/15
Attempting R

Posts: 386 | Registered: Jan 2016
Member # 52791
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, November 14th (Monday)

Well this is big for me...D-day came and went this month and it didn't tear me apart, I didn't cry, I didn't even realize it was d-day! Each month the 8th is rough, so much so my WH bought me a rose last month. He didn't get it at first but is starting to understand that day creates a trigger in me. This month I ran a 5k with my son, an evening race, his first my second! He is just a little mite (10 years old) my H was so proud of us, he had salmon ready for us when we came home. He asked me several times how I was feeling and I didn't even know why until the next was dday. I think he was relieved I didn't notice. I am so relieved! I don't want this to be a dark cloud over every month and this month showed progress!

Married 5 years, Together 7
d-day April 8th 2016 most recent PA
May 22 TT learned about 2nd PA
3 years actively searching for SA on dating sites
"People don’t cheat because of who you are, they cheat because of who they are not."

Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2016
Member # 47498
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, November 14th (Monday)

At over 2 years since my DDays, I can say I feel a very real sense of calm and believe our R is well underway. I do believe there is hope after Infidelity. Hope that things can be turned around, hope that our waywards will "see the light" and open their eyes to what a gift they have in us. Life does go on, and I can testify that my marriage is far better than it was before dday1.

Finding out our spouse has been unfaithful is one of the hardest things most of us will ever go through. It makes us question our sanity, makes us take a long cold look at our WS as well as ourself. Most of us can use a bit of improving. And brother, this is the chance to get on that ride! Get healthy, take that yoga class, change up the diet, start writing that novel you've always dreamed of. If nothing else, our eyes are opened to the reality that our life is what we choose it to be.

If our WS figures out their stuff, they will marvel at how strong and interesting we are. They will see the high bar we've set for them to earn back our trust, and the bar we've set for ourself. Nothing less than 115% effort on their part to win back their place in our life and heart. And from this strength in our own character will come a realization.... that we will be okay even if our relationship with our WS fails. We will be stronger than we were before, and that opens so many new doors for us.

My FWS has worked steadily for over 2 years now to help me heal and earn back his place in our family. He has learned a lot about himself through work with 2 ICS and our MC. He reminds me often how thankful he is that he's been allowed to remain a part of my life, a part of our daughters lives. He recognizes the lies he told himself back then, is ashamed of what he did, what he allowed himself to believe. Like me, he struggles to understand the man he was and dislikes him as much as I do.

We have recently completed a kitchen remodeling together. Lots of stress, but we've used this opportunity to practice our new ways of being married. We are making decisions together, working side by side. Tempers flare at times, but we know now how to get past it. So much has changed. Including myself. I want this marriage to work. I do love this flawed man. We've been together 25 years, and he tells me often that we WILL grow old together. But, should he choose to betray me again, all my questions will have already been answered, and I will walk away with little fanfare. Disappointed, sad, but knowing we gave it the best shot possible, that if a marriage was to survive after what he did, we had shown it was possible.

I don't expect that to happen, just as i dont expect myself to betray him. But this changes us. Makes us stronger. Makes us more aware of what is valuable and meaningful in life.

I don't have it all figured out, but I'm at peace most days now. The thoughts stop by to remind me; I acknowledge them, then send them on their way. I see myself as someone who has faced down and survived Infidelity. That is something to truly be proud of. :

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD (18 and 22 at the time)
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 2+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: A state of unrest
Member # 48243
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, November 14th (Monday)

2.5 years from original DDay, TT over 1.5 years ago.
WH and I are in a much better place.
Thanks to SI, IC, MC and a lot of reading, i have a much better grasp on WH's why....more so than he does.
The why's are important to me and while they are not excuses, they do help me to understand what happened to him-to us.

I still have a lot of mind movies and intrusive thoughts but WH and I ARE reconnecting. I see the changes he has made and I see the changes he is still trying to make. I see his initiative and effort in trying to make things better for me and I can see his pain when he isn't successful in helping me. I see him trying to be a better man, husband, father and grandfather.

I have made changes also. We have discussed the M issues as well and while it is all a work in progress, most of them have been addressed and we have both made an effort to do better.

We both believe that and want our future to be with each other and we are making a stronger friendship, marriage and connection as a result.

I know the road is still going to be bumpy and i am still going to have many ups and downs but we will get through this together and have a long happy future together.

PA approx 5 weeks in 2005
EA approx 7-8 years same AP
PA approx 18 mos- 2 years-he doesn't remember- same AP.

so far successfully in R

Posts: 1542 | Registered: Jun 2015
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, November 14th (Monday)

Last week, and more than 6 years after his second affair, we celebrated 31 years of marriage.

In the immediate aftermath of both the first affair and the second, I couldn't imagine ever celebrating again because it felt like a lie. I didn't know where to count from or if we should have a whole new anniversary. I have come to realize that overcoming what we have and emerging with a better marriage is, indeed, something to celebrate. And we will celebrate on the anniversary of our imperfect but very special marriage.

Yes, we posted anniversary messages to each other on social media but we don't pretend that our marriage hasn't overcome some hurdles. While we aren't specific, we make sure people know that it has not always been the storybook romance it appears to be on social media. We don't want to give the young people who look up to us some false idea that marriage is a fairytale. When asked, we are honest. Our children all know and we have been able to counsel them all through similar circumstances and we are in agreement about what should be tolerated by a BS and what should be given by a WS if the relationship is to survive. We are also in agreement that in the absence of that, the relationship should be ended.

We are happy. We are both transparent. We both leave our phones and computers open and lying around because we have nothing to hide. We both have boundaries with the opposite sex and we both are cautious about maintaining other relationships at the expense of our own. We have had many discussions about the affairs and I believe we have left no stone unturned. (To the point that even I don't feel like talking about it anymore.) The affairs are no longer on my mind and I rarely trigger. In fact, I trigger more from this site than from anywhere else but I come back because I feel I owe it to those who helped me and to the new people struggling.

Reconciliation with a truly remorseful spouse is definitely possible. My husband gave me everything I needed: transparency, boundaries, details, and time to vent and grieve. It's been six years and I could still ask him questions and he'd answer without getting angry. That doesn't mean he never expresses frustration if I ask a question. He does. But it's at himself for putting us in this position and for doing something he's ashamed of. Ultimately, it was a lot of work to get here. And much of it could have been done before the affairs if we'd understood transparency and boundaries then. So, we try to make sure our children have the tools for their own relationships. If others learn something from our marriage, it was worth it.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 5717 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Southeast
Member # 50235
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, November 15th (Tuesday)

We are just over a year out from d-day. I wanted to give a positive update, though by no means do I consider us R'd yet. I've seen some posts encouraging us to post in here, so here goes.

My FWH was immediately remorseful.
He never blamed me or our marriage, ever. He has basically been the best version of a model wayward that I could have wanted.
He's apologetic, humble, completely transparent, after d-day, he gave me the log in and password to his secret email, and voluntarily keeps a GPS app and a "keylogger" type app (accountable2you) on his phone that alerts me to anything and everything he does on it.

He is aware that something is wrong with him, he's in therapy, he voluntarily shows me his papers and treatment plans from his therapist.
He takes any verbal abuse I throw at him, he takes the blame (as he should) for EVERYTHING. He lets me know that I've been nothing but a great wife all these years, and that he regrets f*cking up our life, he's remorseful to the point that he's been suicidal a few times this past year.

I am on AD's (wellbutrin) and not yet in therapy again (tried it, the therapist wasn't a good fit) and he's in therapy weekly.

So why am I posting in here?

For the most part, I have a REALLY hard time seeing him as the same person he once was. We have more good days than bad lately (except for today, where I just woke up PISSED for some reason ). He's different with me, with our kids, he's even different with my family.

He censors himself, he no longer makes lewd jokes, and he will avert his eyes if he sees an attractive woman in public or even on TV.
He will literally look down at the ground if we're in a social situation and I'm interacting with someone else, OR if I'm not interacting with someone else, he will actively engage in conversation with me, staring directly at me, trying to keep my attention and make sure I know his attention is ON ME, so that I won't trigger.

I no longer try to blitz him with verbal assaults and attacks, I have learned to try and take a deep breath and think about what I'm going to say. The mind movies and images have subsided a bit, they aren't gone completely and likely never will be. I still trigger pretty easily.
Anything from one word said a certain way in a song, to kissing on a TV show can set me off. And still not a day goes by that I don't think about his infidelity, the length of time kills me, as it's pretty much been for HALF of our wonderful (so I thought) marriage.

But there is HOPE, most days I feel like we will make it. And, I think that's a positive.

It's not a "hey we R'd and are great now" story which is what I always assumed this thread was for, but like I said, I've seen some encouragement to post in here.
So even though we aren't R'd yet, we are working towards it and things are going pretty well lately.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 12:05 PM, November 15th (Tuesday)]

Me:BS | M:14 years | 3 Young Kids
Him: Cheating off/on since '08 w/anon CL hookups.
D-Day 11/3/2015
3 ICs said he's not an actual SA, but had SA "tendencies".
He's the epitome of a remorseful FWH.
*Doing well in R lately.*

Posts: 627 | Registered: Nov 2015
Member # 52165
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday)

Preface: I posted this elsewhere, and it was requested that I post it here as well. This is just kind of a rambling about this past weekend. Nothing too important, but if you read it, thank you. There is talk of hunting and killing an animal, so be mindful if you are sensitive to that.

Saturday was the opener for deer hunting season. I hunt. My young teen son hunts. This was to be his first year old enough to hunt on his own, in his own deer blind with no one else there. He's excited. I'm excited. Mom's excited but nervous.

Alarm set for 4am. Wife is already up and frying bacon and eggs for our breakfast, coffee and hot chocolate in thermoses, and making and packing our lunches. I ask her why she's up and she says she wants to be. And she wouldn't be able to sleep if she wanted anyway.

We finish eating. The guns, ATV, loaded into the truck the night before with anything else we could. Before we roll out she takes our picture. By the time we drive an hour to our land and hike in to our blinds she had posted it on FB and there were dozens of good luck comments.

We sat all day. An occasional text from wife. I love you. Any deer? So and so got a buck. Etc. We had no luck. Sat for all of daylight in the sub freezing temps (and it was 60° the day before!) and neither of us saw anything. We drove home defeated. Wife heard my noisy diesel truck pull in and she met us at the door with big hugs, a kiss, and got hot chocolate going.

Next morning a repeat. She's up, we ate, and out the door. By noon I see nothing. Again. Then a shot from the other 40 acres. My phone vibrates. Son is so excited he can barely tell me he got a big doe. I'm excited for him. Can't stop smiling as I make the nearly 80 acre hike to him. He made a great, quick kill. We thanked the deer for providing us (cheesy, I know, but we don't take killing lightly) and dressed it. Got it to the truck and headed home.

I had sent a photo of his first solo hunting quarry to my wife. By the time we got home it was on FB and he had a ton of congratulatory comments. But it was another frozen day. Wind chill of about 12°F. We filled our stomach at dinner. I showered and crawled into bed. Wife soon after. I was still chilled. She cuddled tight up and I stole all her body heat I could. I fell asleep in her arms, her head on my chest.

I woke this morning, feeling great. Despite a Monday work day. I slept well. I have a flawed but good woman at home. And working on that flaw. One that's trying so hard to make the world right again. I have to give her a lot of credit for her effort. She fucked up really bad. But I've never seen her trying so hard at something in the 22 years we've been together, like she is now to make things right. And as a bonus, only I get this. Only I get the morning breakfasts. The kiss and hugs when I get home. The great homemade dinners. The warm bedroom cuddling each and every night. The coffee and breakfast made on workday mornings. That other guy, he stole a few insignificant moments of her time, really, in the grand scheme of things. But he'll never know this. He'll never know what it's like to have a real family. A real life. What makes it better is he has desperately tried to have it. Two failed marriages. But he will never have it.

I gave her the gift of reconciliation. She jumped on it and has done nearly everything right. She is all in. And while I still have down days, even angry days, I'm going to stick this out and see where it goes.

Note: I edit my posts often to correct failed autocorrects.

Posts: 815 | Registered: Mar 2016
Member # 48882
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, November 25th (Friday)

This is a positive Thanksgiving post from another thread:

In the spirit of the holiday, I will share just exactly how I am feeling today. I haven't been on SI for 6 weeks or so. I have found that I really do not need it. However, I know that there are people out there looking for hope. So I will share.
I am thankful that my life is nearly perfect now. I have an amazing family. My kids are healthy, well adjusted, really good kids who love their family and my teenagers want to spend time with us. I still have my mom and we have my husband's parents too and every moment we spend with them is treasured. We live in a nice house and we have food everyday and we always pay our bills on time. We are planning our next summer's vacation. We have good friends. We live in a beautiful place. I am almost done with my degree so that I can start the next chapter in my career life.

Now onto my husband. My husband now adores me and shows it. My husband has taken every single opportunity that I have "tested" him in the last 6 months, his response has been absolutely supportive and undeniably committed to me and to us. We work together on things now. Everything. We aren't just on the same page, we are on the same word, every single day. We talk ALL of the time. If I am unhappy about the slightest thing, we talk about it and we resolve it calmly. Our relationship is perfect. I'm not exaggerating. We really don't fight. We talk and resolve. There is no doubt in my mind that our relationship will always be this way now. We both teetered on the edge of losing each other and we didn't fall off the cliff. We remember that and neither of us want to even go close to that cliff again. If one of us starts to slip towards the edge, the other is right there to grab the other.

So for all of this I am thankful. I am not quite healed yet, but most days infidelity plays a very small role in my life. I still hurt when I think about some things, but then I remember how good life is now and I don't want the hurt or the resentment to stand in the way of how good life is. So I keep moving along with healing and my husband keeps supporting me. He reminds me sometimes to not waste too much time wallowing in the hurt, but he also knows that sometimes I need to explore it again. He allows me to lead that journey, but he is also there to say "is this helping you". Sometimes it isn't helping me at all and his words are what I need to come back to my present day reality.

I have never been a vindictive person and I don't want to start now. But sometimes I still compare myself to her. It's hard not to because there was a time when he picked her over me. But you know what? She has nothing. I mean that. Her life is just as miserable, if not more miserable than it was before. She still has a broken family. A husband who doesn't care enough to quit drinking. She doesn't have the cozy house, or vacation to plan or the super supportive husband. I have all that. What did she get from my husband? Cheap sex and bullshit words. I'd rather have the life I have now than anything she ever got from him. That is the truth. There is no reason to ever compare myself to her again. She really didn't get the "good" man that I know my husband is and was. She got all of the bad from him and he is so happy to leave all of that behind.

Folks I can't say that your relationship will turn out this way. I know there are many people struggling with reconciliation and they will fail. It's not easy and there are some folks who aren't good candidates for reconciliation. But if deep down you think you have a good candidate and if that person really is working hard for you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It hasn't even been a year and half for us and I can tell you that I am completely content with my life. I am not healed, but I am healing and I haven't slipped backwards since around May. It is possible to reconcile and it is possible to have a nearly perfect marriage. It just takes two people who are unwilling to stop working at it.

[This message edited by W3IRZ at 5:48 AM, November 26th (Saturday)]

BS - me 44
FWH - him 46
Married 22 years
DDAY- 6/30/2015
8/29/2016 update - Reconcilled and completely happy

Posts: 800 | Registered: Aug 2015
Member # 48882
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, November 26th (Saturday)

I promised Want2Behappy that I would post "our story" in here. I am not healed, but we are really over the hump of all of this. I don't come to SI much anymore and I want to take the time to offer inspiration to those struggling since I don't get on much anymore. Sorry that this is long.

My husband and I met when I was 20 and were engaged 6 months later. We were instantly compatible. I had several previous boyfriends, one who I was with for 3 years, yet there was a different connection with my husband. He felt it too. We married after only a year and half. We were young, but we were very compatible. We often talked of our future and of our views on life. We went hiking and walking. We enjoyed major league baseball games regularly. We both loved the beach and were family people. We just meshed. It was 5 years into our marriage when we became pregnant for the first time. We were both elated. Over time we had a total of 3 children. We love raising our children. Of course we had normal young family struggles of money issues and career changes, but through it all we worked together. We always came together on things. See this is why when he told me he wanted to leave me for another woman, it came as such a shock.

So fast forward to DDay - I was absolutely confused because we were the envied couple by our friends. Two peas in a pod or perfect for each other is how others described us. I had no idea he could ever do such a thing and as I said we were a couple that was very close. How could he pull this off with us being so close? Well during the time of his affair and shortly there before, we were on opposite work schedules. We rarely saw each other. So even though we had been close for all of those years, we drifted apart during that interval and since my husband was in an affair, he of course made effort to stay apart even during the few times when we could have reconnected. I can even remember on at least two occasions telling my husband we needed to make time to reconnect and his reply was "We are really busy right now." So on DDay when he told me that he was having an affair and he thought we should separate my answer was a very firm "No". I really and truly told him that. I said "We are not doing that.". He was completely confused. I could see it. It was like a deer in the headlights look he gave me. That is when I realized that my husband, the one I had been married to for 21 years at that point, was not the one looking at me. Something was seriously off. So I treated him and the situation differently than I would have treated him previously. I could tell he was gone. I remember telling him my view of what he and I's relationship had been and I could see wheels turning in his head. Now he tells me that when I told him my view of our relationship, he began to realize that he was completely messed up. That he had spun so many justifications and minimizations, that he forgot what a wonderful marriage he had had. At one point on DDay I realized he thought I was manipulating him. So I quickly stopped and said, "Is there anyone you can talk to about all of this to help you get your head right?" and his reply was "you". So he had planned to leave me, yet he felt that when he had a serious problem, I was the one he would want to talk to. I explained that if he left me, I could no longer be his confidante. Again wheels were turning in his head.

So for the first 6 months of reconciliation, he continued to give me partial truths and even continued the affair until he found a new job. He broke NC a couple of times until 6 months into it he completely came clean and has never mislead me since. For an additional 5 months past that complete truth reveal, he continued to unravel the details in his head. It has been a process of him undoing all of the lies he told himself and its like a debriefing of a self-induced brainwashing that occurred during the affair. We both firmly believe that he justified so much of the affair that he actually brainwashed himself. Some may not believe that, but I literally watched as the justifications and lies peeled away until today I have MY husband back fully and completely. He did become someone he was not during the affair. He completely lost the person who he is at his core and he hated himself everyday. He pretended to like himself and to think he was happy, but that was all part of the fantasy that he weaved about this woman and the affair. It took him about 11 months from Dday to completely shed each layer of lies and justifications. He wasn't still lying to me, but he still had some left over feelings that he tried to make sense of. Not even that he loved her or wanted her, it was more like how could he have believed he loved her in the first place until he had reframed every "positive" experience with her and truly recognized it for what it was. Through all of this I stood by him and listened to him. I heard his feelings, even the ones I didn't want to hear. We listened to each other. We talked about everything - our thoughts, our feelings, our future, our desires, our fears. We began again to reestablish the relationship we always had until it was interrupted. We remembered together how awful life would be without the other one in it. See in fantasy land he never imagined a life without me, he just imagined a fairy tale. When he looked at the reality of it all, he realized that he didn't want to be without me. We talked intimately every single day. Sometimes it all centered around the hurt and devastation and sometimes it was about our future. Sometimes he was defensive with me because he didn't want to face the devastation he caused. I didn't blame him, I understood how painful it must be for him. Of course, he wasn't defensive for long. He would eventually realize how selfish that was and he would soften up and hold me and apologize. I would always apologize for making him relive his pain too. It was a dance of compassion and empathy from both of us. Neither of us liked what the other one was going through, but we did it. Hand in hand we did it. Through it all we knew one thing always -- that we would never give up on the other. That no matter what, we would make it through somehow because the alternative was devastating.

Here we are on the other side. I can honestly say that we have the perfect relationship. I once questioned if I would ever fully trust him (or anyone again) and I can say that I do. I trust him completely because I know him deeply and he knows me. He would rather die than to ever betray me or himself again. He won't be perfect, but he will NEVER again be anything but loyal to me. I fully believe that. Part of the reason I can trust him and believe him is that I have MY husband back. Remember how on DDAY I said I was staring at someone I didn't know? Well through the first 11 months I watched as the layers peeled off and my husband who I had known for 21 years returned. That person who had been standing before me was gone and he will never return. I am sure of that. In the last 6 months, our dance has been very consistent. Sometimes I unintentionally test him. I will fall and start spewing devastation from the past and he is right there to catch me, hold me and remind me that we are no longer there and he will never, ever do that to me again. He apologizes and he is the husband I always dreamed about. He is the man I always thought he was. I am so happy that he is who I thought he was and that I stayed. We wake up each day grateful for everything we have. He thanks me often for standing beside him during his period of insanity. I think about that too. I think about during my worst days, how I refused to give up on us even when it seemed he had and I realize that that is what a marriage is all about. See those might have been my darkest days, but he was in a worse place than I was. I knew who I was, but he was lost. He didn't know anyone and most of all he didn't know himself. But I believed in him and in us and I stood strong so that he could lean on me. Now I do the leaning and he stands strong. I imagine life will be like this always now -- we will always lean on each other when we need it. Don't get me wrong, I know I would be fine without him, but I wouldn't want to be.

On Thanksgiving day as I looked around the room at the couples (or the people who now no longer are married), I realized that of everyone there, my husband and I had the best relationship of them all. I thought I truly feel lucky to have him, despite what he put me through. It isn't the affair which defines him, it's the choices he made after that define him and his character. I am honestly proud of who he is. Do I hate this journey we went on? Absolutely. But is it part of our love story? Yes. Am I happy with where we are? Absolutely and that part I wouldn't give up for the world. Life is truly good now and we both are extremely happy and grateful.

BS - me 44
FWH - him 46
Married 22 years
DDAY- 6/30/2015
8/29/2016 update - Reconcilled and completely happy

Posts: 800 | Registered: Aug 2015
Member # 45088
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, November 26th (Saturday)

I try not to post too much on this thread...but this is truly the thread I go to FIRST every time I get on this site. Your story...W3IRZ ...was one I felt compelled to comment on. THANK YOU for sharing this!!

I could have written so much of what you was a very eye opening experience to see my FWH become the man I knew from the beginning of our journey together...and not stay THAT man. The man who thought he could have "more"...and as long as I didn't know...I would never get hurt. That kind of thinking NEVER works...and I am confident that this will never happen to US again .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

Posts: 2343 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Southeastern United States
Member # 55758
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, December 17th (Saturday)

Today is our 28th anniversary. I consider it the brightest one so far as we've survived the darkest and bleakest times of our marriage in the past 6 months.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Oct 2016 | From: Colorado
Member # 56915
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, January 15th (Sunday)

It has been just weeks since DDay and I am surprised at our progress. Ever since that day we took the fork in the road that has us leaning into each other. The result is a closeness like we have never had before, and a great, great, great deal of individual and collective healing.

We were the ones that told each other how lucky we were to have such a great marriage. And then I found out. Like everyone else, I was devastated beyond my wildest imagination. But Here is how we came out of our break:
* We went to MC
* We read the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. It helped us put down our walls and understand the process before us. It helped us lean into each other deliberately with a roadmap to our healing. The book is kind of a "what to expect" book that took down our individual and collective resistance.
* We are truly vulnerable with each other - we extract our true feelings (fear, shame...) to get to the core issues. We are reading "Rising Strong" by Dr. Brene Brown who helps individuals understand how to get beyond masking our pain to move through it honestly and live a whole, authentic life.
* We make time for each other daily and my WH is sensitive to my needs for healing. I am also sensitive to his needs and rather than blame, I seek to understand him.

I don't know what the future holds, but I am grateful that we have these resources to help us dig down deeply and figure out how we can rebuild into a new, stronger relationship.

If you had told me prior to DDay that I would be in this position, and particularly working together with my WH, I would have told you there is no way I could stay. I was the one who judged others harshly, but relationships are complex and such judgement meaningless. While I would never recommend this situation to anyone, I can honestly say that we have become much closer to each other and are mindful of the model we set for our children. This issue really helped us uncover the dysfunction in many of our relationships that we can now set on a path to healing.

The future is bright but it also scares me. I see from other posts that it takes years to heal and I hope our path continues to more forward positively.

[This message edited by ISurvivedSoFar at 10:57 AM, January 15th (Sunday)]

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS
Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen
1 DS: adult

Posts: 387 | Registered: Jan 2017
Member # 52257
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, January 18th (Wednesday)

Today was a good day. We have had so many good days in the last year.

When Dday happened, I was determined to fight for my wife. Not the pick me dance, nor the 180 that many advocate, but a combination of putting my foot down and forgiveness. TT took a while and I found out things I never wanted to know about her and her brokenness. I am kind of glad it came out slowly. I am not sure I could handle all of it at once. It turns out this was not her first. It turns out that one EA was really bad and another EA that was going on was not as involved. But there were PAs before that that were short lived, but betrayals non the less.

She did the work, so did I. She needed my strength and determination. She also needed me to try to understand, but not put up with any backsliding.

So here is the positive part of the story. We are great friends again, and frequent lovers. Communication is great, and she is not angry anymore. She is on meds for depression, that has made a huge difference. We have gotten through most of the second year blah, and we are doing well. Best of all, we are planning our future again...looking ahead. So today, I booked our trip to Germany for the fall. We both picked it out and worked on having the time off of work. It is exciting to be looking ahead again, instead of looking behind.

Me BS (50)
FWW (50)
DDay 3/10/2015
Married 27 years, together 32
2 kids, high school and grown

Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2016 | From: Midwest
Member # 48882
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, January 21st (Saturday)

Countrydirt- that's how I look at anniversaries too. Anyone can stay married without some huge devastation. But the marriages that survive traumas - those are truly to be respected.

Woundedbear- I love your description- you didn't do the pick me dance or the 180. You did a combination. I think all too often people think it's an all or nothing. True reconciliation requires flexibility in finding the right path.

BS - me 44
FWH - him 46
Married 22 years
DDAY- 6/30/2015
8/29/2016 update - Reconcilled and completely happy

Posts: 800 | Registered: Aug 2015
Member # 57020
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, January 26th (Thursday)

Ok, we are working on R, honestly still in the spin. But I think its important to recognize moments where he really gets it right. WH is deployed so R has been extra rough lately, but today my doorbell rang and UPS had a package for me. Our birthday (we have the same one) is next week so I figured that it was my gift. Now H SUCKS at gifts, he has for most of our relationship. Not that he doesn't give them or that he's cheap, its more like his image of romantic or thoughtful is off. For example I received a photo printer for Christmas...
Anyway this has been an issue for a long time, one thing I've said he can do to show me his investment is to try and put thought into gifts. Cost is irrelevant, a piece of paper with a poem, one that expresses real meaning, is more valuable to be than a diamond. Its honest, its from his heart. Ok drifting again, sorry.

Back to today, so I open my gift, praying its not a new universal remote, and a jewelry box pops out...little worried cause his taste in jewelry isn't mine... Its a simple silver pendant, one I'd admired on a website and sent to my BFF, who is probably helping my husband learn to be romantic Its a love equation necklace. Most people would have put the day we got married or date of proposal, but he chose the day I asked him out, because I was tired of waiting for him to get up the courage to ask lol. I don't know why, but it was perfect, if they'd asked, it wouldn't have been the date I'd have chosen, yet it was better. I wish I could bottle this feeling and save it for some of the down moments, because right now, I feel seen, I feel like he's putting thought and energy into proving his love for me. I feel like I made the right choice to fight this out.

“If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again.”

The dream broke 3/29/16, still picking up the pieces

Posts: 168 | Registered: Jan 2017 | From: KS
Member # 47498
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, January 28th (Saturday)

I've posted here a few times before, and maybe this will be my final post. That's GOOD!

My journey into the world of infidelity began in September 2014. I'm not the same woman today as I was then. And seriously, the changes I've gone through are almost all for the better. I know, it's hard to believe anyone would say that. But in my case, I needed to have my world rocked to open to my eyes to the truths of my marriage, my fWH, and ultimately myself. I was 20 pounds overweight, was exercising sporadically, kept a box of wine in the fridge and had at least one glass most nights (sometimes more than 1). I was living on autopilot. My marriage was a mess. Basically two people living parallel existences under one roof. We raised 2 daughters and our oldest had moved to another city and was in graduate school while our youngest was starting her senior year of high school when the bomb dropped.

I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. The signs were all there but I simply ignored them. I honestly didn't care. But never in my imagination did I suspect an affair. And 3? Well, that was why I was blindsided and DDay was such a shock to me.

But we survived. And while I got some blowback here on SI for how I handled things at times, I went with my gut and it seems to have served me well. My biggest deviation from the SI script was that I fought to FIX HIM. I saw him as damaged and only I could help him see what I believed he needed to see to fix himself. Where I was wrong is in believing early on (first 8 months or so) that if he were "fixed" then all our problems would be solved. Ah, the innocent mind of a newbie

Yes, fixing the fWS is necessary, but it does not solve all problems. My fWH went to IC, went NC immediately, and jumped in with all he had to try to fix the mess he'd created. I give him a lot of credit for being a "good example" of a truly remorseful spouse worthy of R.

Today, we still talk about things, but now it's more in reflection of where he was, where we were, and where we are today and how we want our life together to be going forward. There are likely a few blow ups still in our future, but that's predictably falling aside as well. I have not sat down and organized all of my words of wisdom, those words I'd like to share with others in hopes of helping them through their own journey. Having been there myself, I will always be one of them. One of you. Always.

And another change from early on, is that I have come to be comfortable in the knowledge that I will truly never know if he is completely "safe" or not. There are no guarantees, no pinky promises that this will never happen again. For the longest time that is the level of safety I was seeking -- to feel that it would never happen again, that I would forever be safe and not have to deal with anything resembling this again. Today, I feel comfortable in knowing that if something did happen, I would be okay. The worst has happened. I survived. And I would survive again, but in a much different fashion.

For me, for us, this is our only shot at R. After all we have been through together, all the knowledge gained, there is simply no way we could enter this again. At least I will not. And that is okay for me to accept. I could go on and on about all the lovely things fWH now says about me, all the ways he respects and admires me and is "in love" with me all over again. But that really is less important than how I feel about myself. I do appreciate that he loves me, that we are creating together a very good life, a life we should have been working on many years ago. We wasted a lot of time. It took this to wake us up, and that will always be a part of our story. I don't believe that his affairs were "the best thing to happen to me", but I know without it, we would not be where we are today. It forced us to grow up, to be vulnerable to ourselves and with one another. We are both different people today because of what he did, and what we chose to do together to move forward in our marriage despite the massive wound he inflicted upon us.

Also, it helps that I better understand his whys. I think I saw them from dday1, and many of my fights (horrible, horrible blows that seem almost unbelievable looking back) with him was to force him to keep proving over and over again that that early understanding that I'd formed was correct. His consistency, never showing doubt in what he wanted, his commitment to me and our family. . . that kept me afloat when I felt myself sinking under. It took him to get us here. But it's taken both of us to get where we are today.

For those just starting out, you can have hope that your marriage can survive and yes, really, it can be better than ever after the affair/s. But to get there, you must be willing to accept many painful truths, look them square in the eyes, and watch as your strength in facing these truths grows and the truths no longer hurt as much as they did at the beginning. You will heal. Your life will return to normal, however you choose to define that. While I may be stepping away from SI, I will check in periodically and respond to any messages I receive from members. I do hope to use my knowledge to help others in real life. Peace to all of you reading this. And thank you to all who have walked next to me and supported me along the way. I am forever in your debt.

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD (18 and 22 at the time)
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 2+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: A state of unrest
New Member
Member # 57356
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, February 9th (Thursday)

Not sure this is the right forum. We are working hard to heal after his A. I see him trying in many ways. Sometimes though I worry he's not truly repentant. I keep waiting to find out he's not really done, even though there is no evidence of him having contact. I want very much to forgive, but I am not there yet. I guess this isn't very positive. I am looking for hope that other's who are making it work ever felt this way. I found out about the affair december 2015, so just over year. Looking for words of wisdom.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2017 | From: WI
New Member
Member # 57370
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, February 10th (Friday)

I am new to this group today. D-Day was over 5 years ago. My W had a long-term affair with a co-worker,and was in agony over ending it- but she did. Got a new job and, I believe, has left the A in her rear view mirror. We have made progress, but still have not recaptured "that loving feeling" and she can hardly stand to show me physical affection and we are not currently sexually active. In the first year of R we read books like Passionate Marriage and had substantial couples counseling. About 5 months ago she initiated a conversation about it, which was a real step forward, but acting on it has been another thing. We are in our early/mid 50's with 3 beautiful kids, mostly gone.
Where I see lots of positives, including our plans for the future,yet the lack of affection, etc weakens me every day. I have a strong belief in God, and I pray for courage and patience every day,but still I find myself "on the fence" about all of this, and the lack of affection, etc keeps the A front and center with me. She avoids confrontation, and so if/when I try to initiate conversation about us, she shuts down, and so best to let her bring it up like she did 5 months again. All in all, our R has been positive, but I believe you all understand how important the affection part can be for some of us. and it tends to cast a shadow over the successes. Anyway, God Bless all of you for surviving this experience, I am convinced other don't understand it if they haven't experienced it. So I would appreciate any constructive/object feedback from folks like you who understand this situation, especially any other men out there.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Feb 2017
Member # 54486
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, February 13th (Monday)

A repost from recon forum -- first post of mine that makes me feel like life is actually moving forward again:

Well, here we are. It is Valentine's Day eve and it lands on 8-months since 'discovery' day.
A couple hundred days or so of holy sh** this is my reality?!

For real.

Far more than our love story interrupted -- it was torn to shreds and then kept secret for a really long time.

The story is in my profile, so no real need to go over it again. And honestly, I'm about worn out from thinking about it all. I need a break. I need a break from triggers, from the nightmares and the nearly indescribable pain associated with betrayal.

I love the SI. You all, and I do mean all of you in some form or fashion got me to this day: Either by sharing your own pain or trying to help me with mine.

You rock.

You do. You totally rock.

Thank you does not do my appreciation any justice. But thanks all the same.

My wife has pretty much done everything but back flips over the last eight months, anything to show she is changing, has changed and will do whatever it takes to make our M work. The completely 'All In' looks good on her, and I hadn't seen or felt it in years and years. She is actually still a great athlete, I bet she is willing to throw in a back flip as well.

I think because our wonderful sons are grown, and we're financially strong enough to take the M or leave it, it has made for a choice. A choice for me and for her -- and we have chosen each other.

A lot of debates on whether an A has any benefits, but I like the analogy that I saw on a Ted Talk - "no one would recommend an affair for a couple anymore than one would wish cancer on an individual, but each offers a new perspective on life on the other side of the trauma."

Cancer isn't a great comparison, it took my Dad away early. But it is something that can be survived. Heck, it's the name on the door here.

SI has been HUGE helping me through this first stage of shock and horror. Plenty of pain yet to push through, many more days of my wife proving our new world is here to stay and well, just more work yet to do. Reconciliation continues. Healing continues.

Less time sweating the bits I can't control and enjoying the good moments as they happen. Yeah, some flowers, candy and a nice meal tomorrow -- no back flips. We will keep it simple and spend another day being kind to each other.

Peace to you. Thank you. You glorious humans who unfortunately understand this unique hurt we've all had handed to us.

Hitched 29+ years.
Surviving an LTA, DDAY 6/16
Two amazing grown sons.
In R mode.
My safe word is "keep going".

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Aug 2016 | From: Mile High City
Member # 56395
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, February 19th (Sunday)

My fwh is emotionally immature. But he shows genuine remorse and is working hard at changing his personality to benefit his family. It's not easy and he isn't quite there yet as far as being where I'd like him to be but the effort is there and he is trying to put into place healthier coping mechanisms so that he can be a safe partner and a better father.

We have been on a mini family trip this family day weekend, and being together 24/7 for over 48hrs has put a little emotional strain on his ability to cope. Shortly put, the old him (pre affair) would have begun cutting me down with criticism and would have likely begun yelling at the kids, with me wondering how I ever thought a trip including him would be a good idea and wishing I was single. Actually, I probably would have just suggested to him the week before that I'd like to take the kids on a trip and left him behind and gone with a girlfriend or even on my own. The very idea of a family trip including him used to fill me with anxiety, our marriage in many ways was me as the mom and caregiver/housekeeper and him as the touchy handyman with benefits who'd babysit the kids when I was out.

So what was the result of this family experiment with the "new" fwh? He had some moments of coping struggles, and chose to take a walk and photograph us from a distance while I looked at exhibits with the girls for a time but then came back. He was stern and upset while driving on a few occasions but didn't yell, just insisted that we have some quiet time for the next half hour and put on music. He had one issue with the way I handled our bungled pizza delivery but didn't make a huge deal out of it and it resolved itself. On the way out to the cabin for our final sleepover he said he was pumped we had a successful family trip. He was generally pleasant, played with the kids, and thanked me for helping out so much with the girls at the museum.

While this isn't a perfect fwh, it is a greatly improved fwh. I am disgusted that he shocked me with the A, that he was so fucked up that he really thought his relationship with COW was appropriate for months while I actively insisted that it wasn't, until he dived into a PA and then gaslit me for weeks until he woke up and realized he was the one fucking everything up the whole time. And while it almost destroyed us once and for all, it also served as a major wake up call to him, that he was responsible for so much of the hurt in our marriage, that his resentment towards me was so destructive, and that there were healthy ways of dealing with issues he had.

We are pretty fresh out of DDay but if he keeps this up then I might just stick around

BW, 34. 2 DDays, EA Nov, PA Dec 11 '16.
DD 4 & 6
Recovering Codependent,
Owning my shit, learning to be a more authentic and assertive me.
"I am a part of all that I have met."

Posts: 641 | Registered: Dec 2016 | From: the land of hockey and timmies
Member # 48607
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, February 21st (Tuesday)

Thanks W2BHA for suggesting that I post this here.
This is a positive post from a thread I started in R forum.

I noticed last week that I was starting to feel happy when I thought of FWH and myself, our relationship, and our future. He's changed a lot. Our M has changed a lot. But we're still "US" when we're together. We are laughing, and enjoying each other like we used to. We talk and talk and talk, like we used to.

Today I noticed something else new. I realized this morning that I hardly thought of the A over the long weekend. WH and I were busy with family, family issues, church, and then had a relaxing fun day enjoying the spring weather on Sunday afternoon... like we used to. Yesterday I ran a lot of errands. We talked at lunch. I did some shopping and cooking. Then we watched a movie last night.

This morning I got to work and started getting hit with constant reminders (MY new boss shares OW's name ) and suddenly it hit me... I'd hardly thought of it all weekend. It wasn't in the forefront of my mind like it's been for 2 years. I can think of a few times over the weekend that it popped into my head, but it didn't alter my mood or stick around.

I've always been a person that loves the Spring and Summer. I enjoy fall and winter in some ways but nothing close to my feelings for spring and summer. The last two years I struggled to enjoy my favorite things. Don't get me wrong, I DID enjoy them... but it was because I made myself get out there and keep busy. I had to focus hard on doing things I enjoyed. What I really wanted to do was run away and hide under a rock somewhere. I used my favorite activities as a method to soothing and healing myself. But yesterday I ran down to the beach for about an hour to hunt for shells and seaglass... just because. It was somewhat warm and it popped into me head that I wanted to swing over to my favorite beach. (I"m so lucky to live here - my favorite beach is less than 5 minutes from where I was shopping) It wasn't to ease my pain, soothe my bruised spirit or take my mind off of FWH's betrayal... I didn't even realize the difference until today when I began reflecting back on a weekend without the A in my head.

I know the roller coaster ride isn't over. But for today I'm enjoying reflecting on the positive progress. It feels good.

Me-BS 51 Him-FWH 46
DDay 2/10/15 EA said he was in love with her
DDay2 5/29/15 TT still texting OW & others
DDay3 4/21/16 More TT Lied about how they met - he initiated contact

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2015 | From: By the sea
New Member
Member # 57788
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, March 10th (Friday)

I am glad to see this topic. I believe there is not enough out there about those of us who work through and survive. We are 4 years out-DD was 3/27/17. It has NOT been easy and reconciliation is not for the feint of heart. Both parties MUST be committed to the process or it will not work. We had MC and IC. Many changes were needed and we have come through and are better for it. Is it perfect? NO nothing is but it is so much better than before. My prayers go with us all.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Mar 2017
Member # 47200
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, March 20th (Monday)

2 years and one month out and this weekend we attended Retrovaille. I am so very hopeful and optimistic. I am forgiving and moving forward. My fwh ' s willingness and actions have shown me how much he loves me and how remorseful he is. He is becoming the man he has wanted to be and I see us making it. Of course there is more hard work ahead and we will always be a work in progress. Today I know I am in a new marriage, the marriage I have always deserved and wanted.

D-day 2/12/15
5 DD (3 his, 2 mine) all grown
married 9/97 together 8/94.
Moved back in 5/30/16 working on R

Posts: 526 | Registered: Mar 2015
New Member
Member # 57563
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, March 31st (Friday)

My FWH was having a stressful work day. I decided to try and cheer him up by sending him a picture. Not something I would normally do but I decided to be spontaneous and see what happened.. I sent him a picture of me in a tshirt and underwear, nothing racy, nothing trashy like OW used to
I was very happily surprised that he immediately drove home from work, in the middle of a busy day! It was a real ego boost for me 😊 and he even said "thank you, you're amazing, you make me so happy" before he left to go back to work! Might not seem like much, but after almost a year from Dday there are still very few times that I feel sexy or special. This was a good day!

Posts: 38 | Registered: Feb 2017
New Member
Member # 58172
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, April 6th (Thursday)

We have been talking a lot more and he seems very happy with how things are going, I am listening more and giving him more of my time, which I found to be something I was not doing much before which pushed him away. I am happy as well, but still working on the trust issues, but I can feel me getting stronger in that area daily.
Praying , trusting and just spending time with God has helped me in the moments I do not feel as strong .

Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2017
Member # 48852
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 19th (Wednesday)

For W2BHA.

Well, seeing as how W2BHA posted recently, I thought I’d contribute a positive update regarding our R and my daughter’s upcoming wedding.

First, it’s been night and day comparing how my wife acted while preparing for my oldest daughter’s wedding vs this one. With the first wedding she obsessed over every detail and my lack of involvement was a major issue, which she used as an excuse to complain about me…blah blah EA...blah blah PA). This time we did hire a wedding planner and relegated most of the work to her. In general, my wife has been completely relaxed and casual. Touching base with the planner every now and then, but really letting go and being positive and upbeat.

Well, the planner came over two days ago to discuss the menu options. My wife happened to be on the phone when she showed up so my daughter and I started perusing her materials. My wife walked into the dining room, said hello and I mentioned that we were looking at menu options and she said, “Looks like you’ve got everything under control. Why don’t you guys have fun and let me know what you choose?” And then she left. Can I say jaw-dropping? So we did – great bonding time with my daughter. After, the planner had some questions about the floral arrangements and I (wisely) knew my limitations so I called my wife in and said that this was more her speed. And so I left my wife and daughter together so they could bond over that.

I know it’s small, but you guys know how much this engagement and upcoming wedding was a massive trigger for me. And I know what my wife told me when I expressed my concerns and feelings. But to see her put those words into action, to actually live by them. And it wasn’t a show thing. She’s been super calm. I swear this will be the most chilled wedding other than if my daughter decided to elope and have Elvis marry her. So for her to put me first, make sure I was able to be involved and spend quality time with my daughter for the preparations and let go…to me that’s huge.

Second thing. Last week was Passover. We had family over and we did the traditional thing. I try to make the holiday personal and in reading the Exodus story connected it to our personal lives and commented how we all have our own things to work on and break free from. And the Passover story is one of hope, that ultimately we can grow and overcome. Whether it's serious things like addiction issues, to things along the lines of poor character traits like anger, selfishness, etc. We all need our own personal redemption from whatever issues we have and are dealing with. And I know that we here at SI know that all too well.

Well, last night my daughter came over to me wanting to talk. She said that my wife had a long talk with her over the weekend. Apparently she sat down with her and had a long discussion about her affair. Not the specific details, but the things that were going on in her head at the time, her FOO issues, the miscarriages, and a number of things that she responded to in the wrong way by reaching out to another man. And she referenced what I had talked about during the Passover meal. And she linked it to her personal journey of redemption and the hard work she's doing to get there, and that I too am on my own path out of the trauma that she inflicted. And how my daughter needs to learn from her poor choices and our situation. How important it is to communicate effectively with her future husband and to lean on him, no matter what. How life will continuously throw challenges her way and that it’s the way she responds to them that matter. My daughter said that there was a lot of crying and hugging between them, and some yelling too (daughter to mom), but my daughter got to unload some of the burden and fears she’s been carrying (how do I know I won’t screw up like you mom?) and my wife apparently really opened up to her and shared some things about her affair that I never thought she would.

Apparently she had asked my daughter to keep their discussion private and my daughter said it took her a few days before deciding that it was important for me to know about their conversation. I wasn’t too thrilled about the breaking of confidence, but understood why she did it and the spirit in which it was done. Anyway, by all measures, my wife has been remorseful for a long while. But this was the first time that she owned her affair in the most real and important way I can think of. Using her own failings as a lesson for our daughter. To open up, present herself in a very unflattering light, be honest and authentic about what she did but turn that into a guidepost for my daughter as she heads into her own marriage and will face her own life issues…is it weird for me to say just how much that means to me and how much hope that gives me for the future? I still have a ton of stuff to process and many days it’s not easy. I know I have a lot of anger and sadness in me about her affair and I do not say we are reconciled. I say we are working at R. Because my feelings haven’t settled. And we are far from where we were before the A. But this gives me the most hope I’ve had in a long while.

Maybe we have a shot.

Me: BH 45
Her: WW 44
DDay 8/3/15
"Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant - The Doctor

Posts: 1316 | Registered: Aug 2015 | From: New York
Member # 50235
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, April 21st (Friday)

Doing pretty well in R lately, I'm not going to type a whole long post about it, but we are 17 months in, and things have changed for the better. Mind movies aren't around as much, triggers are still here and there but don't bring me down as far. The anger definitely still hits here and there.

FWH has been working hard, I can truly feel happy sometimes when I take a step back and watch our family interact during dinner or days at the beach, or whatever... I realize this is something that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't tried and if HE hadn't tried. I have a new appreciation for watching him interact with our children, knowing we almost lost it all.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 7:14 AM, April 21st (Friday)]

Me:BS | M:14 years | 3 Young Kids
Him: Cheating off/on since '08 w/anon CL hookups.
D-Day 11/3/2015
3 ICs said he's not an actual SA, but had SA "tendencies".
He's the epitome of a remorseful FWH.
*Doing well in R lately.*

Posts: 627 | Registered: Nov 2015
Member # 47257
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, April 24th (Monday)

As a couple we had grown into a really good space.
Approaching 60 and planning for retirement. We looked forward to our yearly camping trip together.
Spending 21 days in each other's faces was no problem.

2014 DDay. In the middle of that camping holiday my wonderful wife told me that she had cheated on me 30+ years ago. With 4xOM.

It has been a helluva roller-coaster ride since then.
We went into HB mode. That started to wear off & I was left in limbo. With nobody to talk to or confide in.
My feelings were all over the place.

SI. - I asked 'How can I think of retiring with this person?'

Reading here I started to learn and to understand.
About her sexual abuse at age 12. Over protective but emotional distant parents. The dreaded fog.
That there is EA & PA. And there is TT. And selfishness etc.

And the most important is - THAT IT WASN'T ME!!

To move on I had to understand how it all evolved - how do you do that after 30+ years?
By making a time line I was able to put events & memories into an order. That helped me figure out A LOT.
One of her big reasons was that we always fought.
The fighting was probably as a result of her being with OM.
Understanding that helped me come back to life. I slowly got control over my thoughts, my outbursts. Slowly understood!!

Thank you to ALL those people that make up SI.
You have answered my questions, offered your insight, given encouragement as well as opened my eyes.
Thank you all for caring and taking the time to respond.

Reality hit me the day I got an eye-opener vulgar posting telling me this-is-how-it-is, this-what-she-wanted.
But I needed that.
I needed to understand that the person I have loved and cared for all my life, DID NOT CARE FOR ME ONE LITTLE BIT at that time.
That ALL she wanted was the warm feeling of somebody else's one-eyed monster.

Right now we are good to go.
She still gets very emotional and sad about what she did way back then. Considering it has all been buried in a box all these years, that is a big improvement.

Lately she has started to say sorry specifically for what I went through. I see the empathy and remorse starting.
No longer blaming me anymore.
I feel we are going forward.

Still a work in progress, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Still a few ups & downs but I don't get so tied up emotionally any more.

AND now I feel that I can grow old and retire together with her.

BS = 57
WS = 55
2 LTA & 2 ONS 30+years ago
D-day 27/12/14
Coming to grips with it all
3 Grown up children
Still married

Posts: 245 | Registered: Mar 2015
Member # 54486
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, April 24th (Monday)

I'm starting to understand why the T-Shirt slogan, "Once a Marine, always a Marine," fits into my modern approach to any difficulty in life. I see a problem and attack it until I understand it. I take the high ground, hold it and then once the threat is ended, I move on.
Of course, anything is an oversimplification when combating infidelity. But this place has done what it promised to do. It has helped me to survive some of the worst pain I've ever encountered. Like your life, mine was never easy. Including the loss of loved ones (my father among them), tragedies and child abuse, I have to say betrayal topped the pain charts to this point in my existence.

You all got me through, directly or indirectly, with your kind advice or simply sharing your own grief in this hellish process. Originally, I started a long list names to thank in this message, but it got super long and I would likely leave out a key member or two along the way. So, I'll simply thank anyone who trips across this note among the many here exploring for a way through this unpleasant chapter in life.

And no matter how much it hurts, a chapter is all it is. At least all I will allow it to be. A dark and horrible part of my story for sure, but now it is literally time to turn the page.

I have also turned over every possible rock and witnessed a side of humanity up close I had hoped to avoid altogether. Unfortunately, betrayal has been part of the human experience since the dawn of time and will continue long after we're gone. It is way, way too common.

After 13 books, 10.5 months of IC, MC, 1000+ messages posted here on SI interacting with all of you and an extended armistice with my wife, I've learned quite a bit attacking this issue.

Infidelity generates intense fear - from devastated personal esteem to an understandable lack of trust, and a host of other emotional trauma that takes a permanent toll, that will leave at least a few noticeable scars after I'm healed up.

I can either conquer that fear or let it own me. So, the biggest lesson I've learned? Rebuild your self worth - know you are a very worthy prize in this world - a prize who must constantly be earned in order to keep your company. In any relationship, standing up for ourselves, knowing how valuable we truly are is the golden key. Whether you reconcile or divorce, always demand to be treated with dignity and respect. Once you realize that infidelity isn't on you, and you get your proverbial feet back underneath you, the swagger returns and the world of possibility opens again.

The second part, is if you're going to attempt reconciliation, you must have a partner who is completely dedicated, all in, all the time. If after a few months your have a partner who continues to avoid blame, shows no remorse and does nothing to heal or repair themselves, then get thee the fuck out. Run, don't walk to the door.

But if you do have someone trying to become a safe partner for you, then you need to let go of a couple things too. If you only believe or see the worst in your partner, that's all you will ever see. If you believe once a cheater, always a cheater -- you need to move on, because you will never give your partner the chance they need to earn some or most of your trust back.

It will never be fair, there is no balance and no amount of revenge or punishing will fix anything. Accepting the injustice of it all is certainly one of the toughest steps to take.

A lot of folks make it to the other side, and a bunch more do not. It takes just as much strength to reconcile as it does to move on from all of this stuff, support your fellow members here however they choose on their path to survival.

Most of all, be true to you in all of this.

As for me, there is still much healing to be done. Reconciliation is going extremely well and I have hope for the future. I do need a bit of a hiatus. Hanging out here everyday, there is so much pain to witness, and my two cents only goes so far. I hope to be able to return sometime soon to help the place that helped me, but the hours spent here are taking away from some work that needs to be done offline. The good part is SI got me to here to this page turning moment. I will check in when I can, and I wish you all well in your journey, wherever it takes you.

Much love!

Even OldWounds heal...

Hitched 29+ years.
Surviving an LTA, DDAY 6/16
Two amazing grown sons.
In R mode.
My safe word is "keep going".

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Aug 2016 | From: Mile High City
Member # 47257
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, April 25th (Tuesday)


Most eloquently said - as always.
My best wishes for you.

Till we meet again....

BS = 57
WS = 55
2 LTA & 2 ONS 30+years ago
D-day 27/12/14
Coming to grips with it all
3 Grown up children
Still married

Posts: 245 | Registered: Mar 2015
New Member
Member # 58498
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, April 29th (Saturday)

Hang in there. It does eventually turn into a positive story.

I've been struggling for a week to the day today. I found about what she did last Saturday and I've been a wreck of emotions since then. She's been doing what I know is the best she can think to do... pretty much letting me vent to her any time I need to, letting me rage and call her names without getting mad back at me... answering all my questions no matter how painful the answers are for her. She drops everything to be there if I bring it up in conversation or if I'm visibly upset, but otherwise she goes about her life and, as far as I can tell, doesn't really think about it unless I'm throwing it in her face. I think she feels like this is something I have to work through on my own, but that she's happy to help if I ask.

Anyway... last night in the middle of one our long sessions of talking about it she offered me a "free pass", to go and have a fling of my own. I told her that I'd already resolved to be open to sleeping with someone should the opportunity arise, but that I had no intention of going out and looking for it. My thinking has mostly been that it wouldn't be "revenge". It would be for my own self esteem since for our entire relationship she's been the dominant player who can easily risk losing me, while I'm the doormat who blames himself, rolls over and keeps letting it happen. I figured if I could convince myself that I'm not so horrible that only she could ever want me, then maybe I can claw my way up on the respect chain. I can feel like she's not the only one who has that power. Either way, I don't exactly have women throwing themselves at me, so I figure it'll be a moot point either way.

That's when things started to change in the conversation. We talked about the sort of people I could see myself free-passing... and remember, for me this was mostly rhetorical for me since I'm 99% sure it'll never happen anyway. But it clearly wasn't rhetorical for her. She started becoming visibly sad, and even started tearing up, seeing me seriously considering sleeping with someone else. Then I pulled up a photo. A few years ago I had my own indiscretion. I had briefly and admittedly inappropriately entered into an online conversation with another woman. My motive was just to get a look at her boobs, but eventually she started talking about coming to meet me. She started talking specifically about how we could get together and have sex, and that's when I shut it down. I told her I'm wracked with guilt and that I love my wife and we should have never done any of this. and I later confessed the whole thing to my wife, but that's neither here nor there. In my conversation with my wife, I pulled out a nude photo this other woman sent me... that, yes, I kept kind of as a memento (I never said I'm a saint) and I showed it to my wife, who already knew I had it. Then I reminded her that this obviously beautiful woman offered me free no-strings sex and I turned it down because I love my wife.

At that moment she broke down completely in tears and came over and flopped down beside me and wrapped her arms around me. "I'm so, so sorry that I hurt you," through her sobs. We sat there for half an hour like that, with her apologizing every way she knew how. "I want to spend the rest of my life making up for it", she said. Arms wrapped around me crying into my neck and wracked with sobs.

This was the first real cry she'd had over the whole situation and the first time I could sense genuine and intense remorse on her part... and the feeling was magical. It felt like she just scooped out half of my pain and took it on for herself. Ever since that moment the constant pain, and pictures in my head, and random spontaneous fits of intense rage, confusion, sadness, shame that I'd been going through suddenly turned from this huge spinning monster in front of my eyes taking up every inch of my brain and heart for the past week into to a dull roar somewhere in the background, or at the very least not always front and center. I still get that swelling chemical feeling in my belly from time to time, but now most often it just fades if I just put the slightest effort into it.

And now when I think of some awful painful thing she told me in regard to what she did, and it starts making me lose control again, I can now draw on the memory of the beautiful thing she said later and it helps to sooth me.

I'm still not whole again. Not by a long way... but last night through sharing the weight of this burden... by taking on her share of the pain and managing to convince me that she truly deeply regrets what she did, she was able to put me back to a place where I can think and function again, at least a little bit.

Today has been my best day by a mile since I learned what she did. Yesterday at this time I was counting the minutes until I could talk to her again, obsessing over every detail of what she did and half-convinced it might even still be going on. Today... I'm mostly okay. I'm still looking forward to seeing her and talking to her. I'm still scared and angry and confused. But still... that tiny gesture on her part made all the difference in the world. It's so much better now.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2017 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 55758
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 3rd (Wednesday)

This morning I wrote my wife a long letter explaining that my trust level was below low and that I knew it would take time to rebuild it. The blatant lies after dday 2 were just too much for me to believe anything she says for a while. But, dday 2 resulted in remorse and not regret for being caught, in genuine care and concern for the pain and anger caused by her actions and a real recognition that we can't be in a threesome and be married. It took 10 months to get to this spot, but I can say that the journey seems to be worth it. She had to make the choice to be married or not. She would have grudgingly gone NC if I demanded it and continued to hide it, like she tried to do and remain "friends". It took the courage of me letting her know that I was done with trying to hold something together that only 1 of us was committed to for her to understand that she had to be either all in or all out.

She made the break from the AP and told me that she felt so much relief at giving up what she finally understood to be so wrong. The sex we had last night was not HB. We went through that 7-10 months ago. What we had last night was her finally being fully there, with me and me alone, in her mind and it was phenomenal. I've never seen her so turned on and she actually gave me a hickey on my shoulder - our first hickey in 30 years.

Stick with it if that is your goal. Be brave and expect your spouse to be brave. Expect your marriage to be stronger than it was before. You might be surprised.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Oct 2016 | From: Colorado
Member # 55656
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 3rd (Wednesday)

I posted this as my own thread, but I figured it should be here too. (Let me know if that's not allowed, mods!)

It has been 7 months of IC, MC, daily meditation, journaling, countless heart to hearts, difficult conversations, fights, days spent in bed unable to do anything but cry, dating each other, reading ALL the things, working on ourselves, holding each other accountable for the people we want to be, watching and waiting, I felt like I was ready for something more concrete.
We planned a handfasting ceremony. As is traditional, it is a marriage that will last one year and one day - at which point we can decide if we want to continue on. We each prepared our own vows, simple "I promise" statements. I embroidered a piece of silk with symbols that are meaningful to us for the actual hand tying. I made myself a dress with a design that looks like the one I was married in (a very simple cowl neck dress with a watercolored rose pattern). He wore flowers in on his lapel and I wore some in my hair. Our exchange was quick, done on a bridge in the middle of a lovely nearby park over a sweet little stream.

He did not expect the ring. I haven't worn my wedding set since DDay. It was his grandmother's and he had been very sad but understanding when I said I didn't think I would ever wear them again. He has been wearing his original ring since DDay (we had replaced his temporary ring with a nicer one which is what he was wearing during the A) but I haven't worn anything at all. My naked finger felt awkward but my rings felt heavy when I slipped them on for a visit with his mom.

I love those rings. They are the most perfectly me set. I was heartbroken to feel like the A took them away from me.

Over the weekend on my way home from a trip with my sisters I stopped in the place we were married. Meditated holding my rings there, cried some tears. Then I brought them home and did a little purification ritual of my own devising. Then I took them to a jeweler and had them rhodium plated (they are white gold) and cleaned so they shine like they never have since I have had them (the plating wore off years ago when they were still his Nanny's).

After the vows were exchanged, we had tied our hands and kissed on the bridge, I said, "There is one more thing" I took the box out of my purse. He thought it was going to be a new ring and teared up at the sight of them. He said, "These rings have always been a symbol. Before, they meant my love for you, but now they are a symbol of the promises I have made today. I never want to give you a reason to take them off again."

We kissed again. Took some silly pictures and then went off to our favorite restaurant. We had steak and chocolate mousse and champagne. We laughed and made doe eyes at each other.

And my rings didn't feel a bit heavy. In fact, they felt just right.

BS -DDay: 9/26/16- Double Betrayal

Working hard on recovery “That's the good thing about fairytales...nothing is impossible!!!” -Want2BHappyAgain

Be True to your Word. Don't take things Personally. Don't Make Assumptions. Do Your Best.

Posts: 503 | Registered: Oct 2016
Member # 48882
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, May 4th (Thursday)

Strugglebus- that was beautiful! I love it

BS - me 44
FWH - him 46
Married 22 years
DDAY- 6/30/2015
8/29/2016 update - Reconcilled and completely happy

Posts: 800 | Registered: Aug 2015
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, May 11th (Thursday)

5 years ago today, my FWH took an early lunch, went to a local hotel, and had sex with a stranger he had met on AFF. She was looking for some action after her divorce. He was looking for anyone willing to meet up with him so he could “make himself feel better,” They met for coffee a week before, evidently to assure themselves that neither of them were axe-murderers, and passed each other’s sniff test. So he researched an inexpensive room, they went in “dutch” for the room, he got the key, met her out front to show her where to park, they went up to the room, undressed, had sex, and while he showered, she called her High School daughter to check in. Then he left, went back to work, and later that night we helped our athletic team get setup for a race on the next morning. He was distant, but that wasn’t too uncommon. We spent the weekend at the event, working together, laughing together, and then going to our separate corners at home. Me to read alone in bed alone, him to watch porn until he fell asleep downstairs. As usual. On June 10, all of this, and more, would see the light of my day.

Today, we met in our former MC’s new office. Sitting side by side on the same couch. Discussing, together, the logistics for our upcoming vow renewal ceremony. Talking about what the verses that we chose to have read, met to each of us. Setting our intentions for the day. Laughing together, tearing up a bit with each other, and most importantly, being truly together.

In all honesty, when I chose this date to meet with the Pastor (our MC is a pastor with a degree in counseling), the significance of the date didn’t even register with me. It wasn’t until a few days later that the memory surfaced. And I probed that memory, like you would probe the area where you once had a toothache so bad, that it would bring you to your knees. A little tentatively, then with more assurance. And I felt, nothing.

Except a profound sense of gratitude, that that was then, and this is now. I’m enjoying, living in our now.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9080 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 310