The Book Club
User Topic: Which book to read to help me 'just found out'
New Member
Member # 34413
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, January 11th (Wednesday)

Can anyone recommend a particular book from the book list page that will help me focus on how to cope in the early stages of finding out about my husbands affair? We are both 'thinking' about what to do and I would like to read something immediately to help guide me through the do's and dont's of a broken relationship/marriage. Ideally I would like something that will explain things from both of our perspectives as I think he would benefit from reading some guidance also. He won't go to a counsellor and I believe he needs to understand WHY he had an affair before either of us can look forward.

Neither of us seem to know which way to go. Whether to stay together or separate.

Any help would be appreciated.

Thank you.

DD: 27 Dec 2011
State of Mind: Devastated

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: UK
Member # 27592
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, January 12th (Thursday)

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - kind of the Bible of infidelity. And one of the few that, as a BS, won't make you feel bad, or that it was in any way your fault, etc.

Me: BS 58
Him: FWH - 60
Dday #1 - around Feb, 2007
Dday #2 - around Christmas, 2009
3 children - 30,26,23

I cannot prevent the Birds of Sorrow from passing over my head, but I can keep them from building a nest in my hair.

Posts: 470 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: GA
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, January 12th (Thursday)

I also suggest "Not Just Friends." It is the most recommended book on SI.

For him, I'd recommend "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald, LMFT. It's only 100 pages, and it goes step-by-step through what he will need to do. It also strongly recommends IC for the WS.

Both these books are available on

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, January 12th (Thursday)

I would second F2S's suggestions. Glass' book is good to give your WS a perspective on how the affair happened. MacDonald's book explains what a BS will need in the coming days in order to commit to reconciliation. I found the MacDonald book and How Can I Forgive you by Janis Spring to be the most helpful for me to articulate to my H what I needed.

Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1802 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, January 12th (Thursday)

Neither of us seem to know which way to go. Whether to stay together or separate.

You don't have to decide this now. You have just been hit by a bus and are still lying in the road, in shock. The temptation is to do something immediate, just to feel you are "fixing" it, but you do have not yet gotten your second wind, nor do you have the full information to make a decision with. Take care of yourself, talk to H if you can or other supportive people if he is not able to rise to it yet, read all you can. But please take pressure off yourself to decide on your next step immediately. On the other hand, STD testing and getting basic legal advice should probably happen sooner than later.

Wishing you well.

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 2:02 PM, January 12th (Thursday)]

Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1802 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Member # 30284
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, January 12th (Thursday)

Not Just Friends....definitely the book to read first

BW - 38
FWH - 41, SA since around 2005
Dday 4/9/10
Months and months of TT torture.
DD born 3/1/13
In R? Feels like going witht the flow.
Trying to get used to the new "normal"

Posts: 396 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: The worst place I can be - inside my own brain
New Member
Member # 34413
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, January 13th (Friday)

Oh hugs to everybody who replied. I'm all tearful again ... it's that's bloomin' syndrome of "don't be nice to me I'll cry" ...

I've literally just bought JUST FRIENDS on my Kindle and AFTER THE AFFAIR in paperback from Amazon (with the intention of giving it to my H). I'll buy the other recommendations and give him something to focus on too.

I realise too that this cannot be rushed and feel that reading everything I can will help keep be sane as well as somewhat focussed (if that's possible).

Hugs to everyone and genuine, heartfelt thanks.


DD: 27 Dec 2011
State of Mind: Devastated

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: UK
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 13th (Friday)

Not Just Friends saved our sanity in the early days. I think it should be required reading for any couple, but especially in the aftermath of infidelity.
It is a hard read in parts. Skip through what you are unable to handle until a time when you are ready.

I remember the "Don't be nice to me or I'll cry" days . We'll be nice to you anyway.

“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 45310 | Registered: Sep 2006
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, February 6th (Monday)

By the way, the audio CD version of "Not 'Just Friends'" is now available.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 12:01 AM, February 6th (Monday)]

Posts: 2187 | Registered: Mar 2009
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, February 6th (Monday)

Maybe also:

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5155 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, February 6th (Monday)

I'd caution reading After The Affair. Some here thought it was beneficial, I felt it placed blame on the BS, which we all know is total Bullsh*t. Just my opinion.

Posts: 7637 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, February 6th (Monday)

Double post.

[This message edited by annb at 7:58 AM, February 6th (Monday)]

Posts: 7637 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, February 6th (Monday)

Not Just Friends without a doubt. It is in my top 3 (along with this site and Xanax) as my holy trinity of things that kept me somewhat on the tracks.


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
Member # 34635
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, February 6th (Monday)

Shirley Glass, 'Not Just Friends'...
We now have two copies. The first i ordered from amazon and it got a bit wrecked from all
my circling and pencil notes in the margins . I read it around week 4 and could not focus until
page 200...then it started to click, so i re-read it a few more times. It is a process to keep it on hand and
keep picking it up as weeks go by. Emotions change as the phases of healing play out. I find that any
chapter has some brilliant line of connection.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 14