The Book Club
User Topic: Has anyone read Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder?
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, February 2nd (Thursday)

Anyone read this book? Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder: The Six Stages of Healing by Ortman. Any good?

If not, I'm buying it, and writing a book review for everyone.

BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, February 2nd (Thursday)

Haven't read it - but there's a radio interview w/ the author here:

The radio show hostess blathers on for a while - but eventually she lets him talk.

ETA: spelling

[This message edited by Thera77 at 11:31 PM, February 2nd (Thursday)]

Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 467 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
Member # 30327
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, February 3rd (Friday)

I read the free sample, downloaded on my Kindle. I did end up buying the book and I am about 25% through it.

I had some issues with it. I was raised Roman Catholic, married in the church. I stopped practicing a couple of years after his first affair. I had been very active up until then. I sought advice from priests when there were issues in my marriage. I sought help after the first D-day.

Dennis Ortman starts his book by explaining that he cheated. But he immediately says he violated his priestly vows. And coupled with the advice I got over the years, that turned me into a damn doormat, it really bothered me.

Yes he broke very important vows. So from that perspective it is the same as a spouse who breaks vows. But it didn't have to deal with the damage to another human being. There was no walking wounded x-spouse who needed healing.

I think my resentment towards the bad advice I followed from priests just surfaced reading Ortman. It did provide some material for my IC appointments.

Someday I may finish it but I have to get to a different point in my healing. Because alot of his words just rubbed me the wrong way. Perhaps non-Catholics would not even notice the ideas that hurt me so much. Maybe no one else would be bothered at all - maybe it was just me at the place I was at?

Thanks for all the support in my healing, outlived my usefulness on SI, time to move on.

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: SouthEast
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, February 3rd (Friday)


I've read about 25% also. That part about him breaking his priestly vow didn't bother me that much (I'm catholic) but it made think "how in the world does that qualify you to write this book?" To me it has no real relevance. I was more annoyed than mad, though.

D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue

Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, February 3rd (Friday)

Yeah, I'm not Catholic, so I'd guess I'd just have to read it and see.

BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
Member # 29547
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, February 3rd (Friday)

I am about 25% through the book as well. I can see that I will be able to use some of his advice.
The trauma part has really resonated with me--the A was not a physically life threatening event but has been an emotionally life threatening event for me.
I feel that I have been suffering from PISD.

DDay 7/29/2010
Am hoping to reconcile!! Am I crazy or what?
If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves-Thomas Edison

Posts: 323 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Pa
Member # 18764
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, February 3rd (Friday)

I have a copy I would send you for free.

I read it awhile ago along with 14 other infidelity books so I cannot remember exactly what I thought.

PM me if you would like it.

Me:BW 48
FWH: 50

Married 25 years
DD 23 DS 21

Posts: 12696 | Registered: Mar 2008
Member # 30327
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, February 4th (Saturday)

Ok, I picked it back up and read more of it last night and this morning.

I am able to digest and process better at this point in my healing than I was when I stopped reading it months ago. I am also at the point in the book where he addresses the effects of infidelity on children of the marriage. So that may be different as well.

I agree with him so far, it should not be denied that infidelity affects children. It obviously happens even if the kids didn't know that infidelity was involved. That dovetails with my strongly held belief that age appropriate honesty is the best course for addressing it with children. I believe he is saying that the undercurrent of lies causes the most damage.

I don't think a parent is capable of shielding a child from the effects of infidelity in the family any more than they could shield a child from the reality of death. You can help them process the reality but there is no way to protect them from the resulting effects.

Thanks for all the support in my healing, outlived my usefulness on SI, time to move on.

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: SouthEast
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, February 4th (Saturday)

I read the book bc of my PTSD, he is right on concerning trauma, rage, etc. Helped me understand that the emotional state I was in(and am still sometimes in) is something that is not uncommon after the TRAUMA of infidelity.

He equates the emotional trauma with that of rape victims, soldiers, accident victims.....all experience very different types of trauma, but the effect on the emotions can sometimes be the same.

Posts: 7637 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, February 5th (Sunday)

I didn't like it. I hate great hopes, but it felt rigid to 'here are 3 examples, you must into one of these categories'. I didn't fit into most of the and was really get frustrated by it. I didn't finish it.

me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
Topic Posts: 10