The Book Club
User Topic: Any comments on "Getting Past the Affair"?
New Member
Member # 34442
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, February 4th (Saturday)

Our MC recommended we read "Getting Past the Affair" by Baucom and Snyder and said it was better than "After the Affair." The MC had never heard of "Not Just Friends" which seems to be the consensus recommendation here.

I don't know how much experience the MC has with affairs and I really don't want a book that is too easy on my WW.

Has anyone read "Getting Past the Affair"?


Me = BS 45
Wife = WS 45
Two kids 12 and under
Married 15 years

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: West
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, February 4th (Saturday)

It was a no-go for me, along with "After the Affair."

"Getting Past the Affair" focuses mainly on how the marriage was vulnerable to an A, not about how the WS was. It gives a lot of room for blameshifting.

Our MC, who I really loved, placed the responsibility for the A squarely on FWH's shoulders, but for some odd reason she recommended "After the Affair" to us to read together. I read about 10 pages before I threw the book in the trash. I talked to our MC about it and said we were reading "Not Just Friends" and I wanted to stick with that.

It's what I'd encourage you to do too. And I'd ask the MC who bears the responsibility for the A. If the response is that it is a M issue instead of a WS issue, I'd find a new MC.

There's a reason "Not Just Friends" the recommended book here. It's the only one on the market that doesn't shift the responsibility for the A onto the M or the BS.

Another book I'd recommend for your WS is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It's only 100 pages long, and it is a no-nonsense instruction manual for the WS. It's like reading the abbreviated version of SI.

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, February 5th (Sunday)

Slight t/j...I have heard a couple people express that 'After the Affair' blameshifted. First book I read and I never got that....perhaps b/c I never thought it was my fault. May have to go back and read it. It was a great help to me, although H took almost a year to read it.....

me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, February 5th (Sunday)

I think just the fact that you're both willing to read anything and discuss it is a good thing. Keep reading, and read everything. You can both learn from it all. That being said, Not Just Friends and How to Help Your Spouse Heal are excellent. I liked Surviving Infidelity. That one helped me personally. I feel that one gave a lot of good advice that I needed because I didn't know about SI until well after Dday #1. That's one I've read more than once.

Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 25015
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, February 5th (Sunday)

I'll 2nd the book, "How to help your spouse heal after your affair." by Linda McDonald.

Posts: 716 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: michigan
Member # 34777
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, February 13th (Monday)

Just purchased "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and sent it to my wife as a gift through Amazon for her Kindle. Will post later with her thoughts.

BS: 33 (me)
WS: 33 (her)
Kids: Two Girls 4 & 1
Married 12 years
DDay #1: 1/25/12 Found proof (journal entries & PM's) but denied.
DDay#2: 2/5/12 Found photos of WS & OM, WS admitted to portion of A.
DDay#3: 2/19/12 WS full discloser.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
New Member
Member # 34442
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, February 13th (Monday)

Please let me know. I also bought that book for my wife, but I have not given it to her since we are starting with "Getting Past the Affair." The first chapter was okay, but we'll see how it goes and I'll post a review.

Me = BS 45
Wife = WS 45
Two kids 12 and under
Married 15 years

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: West
Topic Posts: 7