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User Topic: Adult Children Dealing With Unfaithful Parents
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, February 16th (Thursday)

A thread for current members that are already dealing with infidelity in addition to their parents infidelity.

Please use this thread if you have been directly effected by this type of situation.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:28 PM, March 19th (Monday)]


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, February 17th (Friday)

Hi everyone. This part of my story was not fully explained in my profile, but I'll put it here. Thank you SI for this thread. My dad was a serial cheater. Starting in Elementary School, I knew there were things that were wrong. My mom was always sad. My parents did not show affection. My dad was always off bowling, golfing, going on vacations, WITHOUT my mom or my brother and me. In middle school, the fighting and screaming started. My dad would get locked out. My mom would throw away his sports equipment. By that time, I also knew that my dad was drinking while he was out. I knew that he wasn't always at work and I knew that he was selfish to leave my mom alone so much to care for the kids, the house, the bills, etc. The only chore my dad did was mow the grass. He did not spend time with my brother or me anymore at that point. Once in a blue moon, maybe we would have a meal together or watch a show on t.v. While in HS, my mom started abusing prescription pills. Junior year, she just went cold turkey and ended up in the hospital for two months. She did not know who we were. During that time, we had fast food or I cooked. My dad didn't even so much as grill some burgers or hot dogs. Also during that time, my brother started abusing alcohol and drugs. He was also getting arrested fairly regularly. Upon graduation, I met my FWS. We were not dating very long when one day a woman in her twenties showed up at my house. She handed me a note. I read the note and it outlined a LTA my dad was having with the woman's mother. I handed the note to my mom and left to go cry on my FWS's shoulder, who was my BF at the time. This affair ended, but it wasn't long before my dad started another one. His next affair lasted for five years. During that time, he repeatedly told my mother he didn't love her, but that she would have to be the one to move out and divorce him. Once I got married and left home, I encouraged her to finally leave. She found an apartment, a divorce lawyer, and the divorce was quick. My dad moved in with his GF, who was 17 years younger. Things were fine with them until my dad retired and his health and finances went to hell in a handbasket in short order. Eventually, his GF met someone else and started leaving the house to go on dates before my dad moved out. Now, he is old, sick, and lives with my alcoholic brother. He calls me all the time. He is nice to me, always has been, at least verbally. He cried when he learned about my husband's two affairs and his battle with alcoholism. He also apologized for how he treated my mom, my brother, and me. He acknowledged that my childhood could have had something to do with my problems. (My mom remarried an old childhood friend and had several happy years until her and my step-dad both passed three years apart. They have been gone almost 6 years.) This is just MY story. FWS's is probably worse. His dad was an alcoholic and serial cheater. The ramifications in his family are still felt today, even though his dad died at a young age from all the years of drinking so heavily. Through all the reading I've done and research, many people who suffer the experience of infidelity also experienced it as a child. It seems to be one of those family traits that often keeps repeating itself until someone gets help and changes the patterns. It would mean a lot to hear other stories or words of encouragement. Infidelity is the most painful betrayal. I was just SO sure that given what FWS and I had BOTH suffered with our fathers, that FWS would NEVER want to hurt his kids or me in the exact SAME way. It truly felt like a double betrayal, like a double dose of the pain from our childhoods. My biggest fear has been for our children. We are working hard on IC and I pray everyday that we can stop this aspect of our families with our generation, NOW. Thanks for reading.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, February 18th (Saturday)

Wow, momdaughterwife. I am so happy that you shared your story. It's amazing, that they look back on it and think differently, when sometimes during the fog it seems like nothing will ever get better.

There has been infidelity in my family too. My parents separated when I was two. For a long time I thought it was because of my mother's addiction, and maybe it was. But I learned a couple of years ago that she cheated on my father with his best friend. My father forgave them both, it seems, or rather I'm guessing - his best friend has been around for years, hanging out with my father and me, and I never knew.

My mother came out a few years later. She had a girlfriend. We three moved in together during my early teens, and I looked to her girlfriend as my stepmother. They were together for six years before we learned that my mother had been sleeping with one of my stepmother's best friends. It tore them apart. I learned later that my mother had asked to open up their relationship for sexual reasons, and feeling pressured to let her be happy, my stepmother said yes. Later she asked that my mother not sleep with a specific six mutual friends, including the OW. My mother asked her, "What if it's too late?" and continued sleeping with OW. When my stepmother learned her identity, she left. I came home one day to be informed that she had moved out, her relationship with my mother was over, and OW and my mother had been seeing each other and were now together. Three years later, they broke up because my mother wanted a sexual thing, and OW wanted to be the "girlfriend". Three years of seeing them together, of trying to get my father to let me be at his place more often. Three years of being left alone on weeknights while they were out at clubs, or staying at school or work late (I worked in high school), of having to buy OW holiday presents, of having to cook for her. Three years of hell.

My stepmother met another woman, and to this day they are beautifully happy together. My mother is now in a polyamorous relationship; her girlfriend is married. All parties know each other and communicate, and it seems very healthy. I am happy for her. But I am also still struggling with what happened between her, my stepmother, and the OW. I consider it cheating. And it seems like she is rethinking how she did things back then. She admits that the way she handled the "open" part of her and my stepmother's relationship was "sloppy". In the last six months, we've had some slightly more open discussions about how it went. I haven't been able to tell her all my feelings yet; how much it hurt that she could betray my stepmother that way, that it felt like she betrayed me also. I'm scared to. Maybe someday. She is surprisingly respectful of my decision to be monogamous... even though she jokes about how she thinks it's part of the "heteronormative agenda". I don't question her open relationship now; I question how open her relationship was with my stepmother when there was so much secrecy.

I think it has affected my own relationships. I put up with more emotional abuse than I should have in hopes of "earning" love. I'm working on that in therapy.

Thank you for this thread, mods.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 7:21 PM, February 18th (Saturday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, February 18th (Saturday)

Silverhopes, thank you so much for sharing your story and responding to mine. I'm so sorry for all of the pain that you've been through. My mom never knew about my FWH's alcoholism or adultery. She passed in 2006. He went to rehab in early 2008, immediately started an EA with a woman he met there and had a PA right after getting out. I think if my mom knew that I've suffered through the hurt she lived with, she would be crushed. Maybe she does know now, from heaven. I want to make her proud and want her to see that she raised a daughter smart enough to at least TRY to stop the family cycle. Growing up, my mom pounded into me to never depend on a man. (Those lectures made me sad for her.) She was not educated beyond HS, and lacked the confidence to get a job outside the home, yet was not happy at home because her efforts there were not supported or appreciated by my father. It was sad, but thankfully when she remarried, it was to a good man who loved her for her. He appreciated how she cooked and took care of the home. He appreciated that he could trust her. They shared many similar interests. He cared about having fun with her, rather than out carousing the bars and bowling alleys for women like my dad. Affairs can affect children for literally generations. I think in my case, FWH's behavior brought back so much pain from my childhood, that I was literally frozen with fear and a sense of helplessness. It was so shocking that it would happen to me. I thought that my mom had trained me so well that my life couldn't possibly turn out like hers. Hopefully with the efforts we're making toward our healing, we can both create a new family trait of faithfulness in our relationships. Nothing would make me happier than for my two boys to grow up with a sense of family, a sense of appreciation for their girlfriends or wives, and most of all, a sense of self respect.

[This message edited by momdaughterwife at 9:30 PM, February 18th (Saturday)]


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, February 19th (Sunday)

I am so happy that this thread has been started. My story is in my profile but I'll recap:

Mother was born to alcoholic father and sick mother; Her mother died of breast CA when my mom was 6. Her father was murdered four days later. Lots of ugly custody battles. Her uncle and his wife eventually adopted her (the aunt wanted nothing to do with me mom and treated her like a slave child). As soon as my mom went to college she latched onto the first KISA she could find. My dad.
Since my mom had had no emotional support growing up everything revolved around things. Her family was very wealthy. My dad promised he would get an MBA and support her in the way of life she wanted. He did not. He changed his mind and decided to join the ministry. This made my mother very angry. Not only was there no financial payout but then she had to be the dreaded "preachers wife." It took all for four years before she started having an affair with... the lead deacon.
When it was time for my dad to be fired from this preaching job, too (poor dad... such the idealist) my mother threw a fit and said she'd leave him if he tried to find another preaching job. This deacon was also the only one who fought for my dad's job. I wonder why? Rotten asshole.
So my dad stopped preaching, became depresssed, started sleeping in the guest room dosing him self on massive amounts of benedryl. I'm sure he would have drank if that hadn't been "against" our religion.
So he went back to college (I was in jr. high.. only child BTW... lucky me) and he got an engineering degree and worked in that field for the rest of the time I was at home. Mother continued her affair unbenowst to me. My father knew but never asked who it was. To this day he doesn't know who the OM was.
My father started using me in inappropriate ways (nothing sexual just not right). He had no boundaries and started telling me he had the right to get prostitutes, look at porn, etc. He took me to his 20th year high school reunion because my mom wouldn't go. He would have me accompany him to work situations in the place a spouse would normally be at (I was 16). I tried to stay away from both of them as much as possible. I'd already begged him to divorce her but he refused. I just don't think they wanted a custody fight.
I knew when I went to college they would finally end it. It did take one year but the summer between my freshman and sophomore year they woke me up on their 20th anniversary to tell me they were divorcing. "now go have fun at Six Flags today." Like it was no big deal. Of course I knew the writing was on the wall because cooking utensils and sheets and towels had been disappearing as my mother stocked her "love nest" in the metroplex far away from my bedroom hometown.
So I finally got the divorce I wanted my sophomore year of college. And therapy. My father started dating with a vengeance and brought one woman after another to meet me at school. Finally after a year of this he brought one to meet me he had known for a whole month and was going to marry her!
She told me she would end it all if I just said the word! WTF!! You don't put that on a 19 year old kid!! Anyway so they got married four months after meeting. I met my step sisters at the wedding. "Hey, this is A and P, your new step sisters. They'll be living in your house now. Get your stuff out or it goes in a garage sale!"
All the while my mom continued with the deacon who was married. I finally figured out by the end of college that she was having an affair but she never admitted to it until I was 29 years old! Yes, two more years of college, four years of med school and three years of residency went by before she ever admitted that she was having an affair and who it was with and that it had started when I was ELEVEN years old!!

This was also the same time I admitted that fWS and I were more than just, ahem, roommates. So I made the crazy agreement to spend my 30th birthday with mom, MOM, and fWS in Las Vegas. WTF was I thinking?!?!?! I guess I was just grateful that she still loved me even though I was gay. WFT, I now feel like I was some kind of condoner of their "arrangement." The SOB even calls me to ask me questions about his damn prostate and his WIFE'S medical problems!!
So now I'm 42 years old. My mother has been the OW to a MOM for 31 years!! Their relationship is now platonic but only because he is now in his 80s and stuff doesn't work! Ugghh!! My mother has moved out to where I practice medicine but boy has the whole A between fWS and skank OW caused tension for everyone. How do I refer to OW as a whore-home wrecker when my mom's been doing the same thing for years. She always justified it by saying "the heart wants what the heart wants." What fuckin' drivel!
Of course I've never told the BS of the MOM. She's now in her late 70s and dying so what would the point be? The whole thing just makes me feel stained and dirty. Oh and my father still thinks that MOM is his friend and has invested money with him. I told my dad to stop giving that guy money. Really.
Anyway, when I was picking a spouse 16 years ago I purposely picked one from an intact seemingly happy family. I wouldn't marry a man because I knew I was gay and didn't want to end up like my mother. Yet, I inadvertently married someone like my mother who would cheat and so I ended up like my father instead. What an idiot!
For anyone who takes the time to read this, thank you.

PJ4

[This message edited by purplejacket4 at 4:49 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]


Me: BS 44
Her: fWS 47 (same sex partner)
Together: 17 now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
wanttounderstand
New Member
Member # 33819
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, February 19th (Sunday)

Thank you Mods for creating this topic. I have been so overwhelmed with all of the issues surrounding my infidelity. Being able to address one aspect of it in this safe place is like a gift.

My heart goes out to you Momdaughterwife and to you Silverhope. I have nothing to offer you but my best wishes for a healthy happy life. As I gain clarity, I promise I will respond to you with any info I have.

Please see my profile for my story.

As a FWW, I have spent quite a bit of time wondering if my father's cheating somehow gave me permission to cheat on my husband.

I don't accept the obvious answer "yes" because my father and mother's circumstances appear to be different than those of me and my late husband.

My father was married to my mother, a woman who was still in love with her first husband(deceased war veteran). He met a woman who loved him unconditionally. He had been abandoned by his mother and father as a young child and had severe abandonment issues.

After being told by his AP that she was going to break up with him if he didn't leave his wife, he made the decision and told my mother that he was in love with someone else and wanted a divorce.

My parents told my sister (age 10) and I (age 12)(our older half-brothers were already out of the house) and our lives turned up-side down. My mother committed herself to a mental hosptal and my soon to be step-mother and her two teenage sons moved in to our family home.

I immediately fell in love with my Step-mother. She was kind, loving, yet stern. We had to do more chores, but got more attention. I gave her chocolates and a card on the first mother's day we spent with her. I wasn't thrilled with her sons, but there wasn't any big problems.

My step-mother and father stayed together for approx 20 years when she died of cancer. I was heartbroken when she passed.

My mother remained bitter about my father and his actions until she hit her 80s when she developed altizmers. Ironically, he had developed the same disease about the same time.

They would both talk to me from different nursing homes in different states about each other. It was so strange. All of the pain and hatred was gone. They both just talked about the early loving times.

My question today is trying to figure out how this background relates to my having an affair.

Did the fact that my father and step-mother were happy and loving and my father and mother were distant and disconnected give me permission to be with someone else when I found myself in an unhappy marriage?

The obvious answer seems to be yes, but I wonder. Other than that difficult time during my marriage, I have been a faithful and extremely loyal mate. I didn't cheat on my first husband and he was far more abusive than my second. I have not cheated in any other relationship. And today, as a single woman, I am unable to date more than one man at a time.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

Mods thanks again. This is such an important topic.


WW (me)
Marriage 1978-2005
Affair 12/81-11/82
My husband knew but never confronted me. I never confessed. We NEVER talked about it. My husband died in 2005. I am trying to understand why I did it. My story is posted in my Profile and I has been u

Posts: 46 | Registered: Nov 2011
wanttounderstand
New Member
Member # 33819
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, February 19th (Sunday)

Double post

[This message edited by wanttounderstand at 5:05 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]


WW (me)
Marriage 1978-2005
Affair 12/81-11/82
My husband knew but never confronted me. I never confessed. We NEVER talked about it. My husband died in 2005. I am trying to understand why I did it. My story is posted in my Profile and I has been u

Posts: 46 | Registered: Nov 2011
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, February 19th (Sunday)

Purplejacket4 and wantounderstand, thank you for sharing your stories. I too am so appreciative of this thread. I don't think that our backgrounds allow us to give ourselves permission, really. My understanding from years of reading and IC is that unfortunately we sometimes subconsciously recreate our childhood problems so that we can try to 'fix' them. Not an excuse, but we come from broken homes, and we end up with a skewed version of the world. Many of us from broken or unhealthy homes are also seriously lacking in coping skills, hence FWH's alcoholism. He used alcohol to numb the pain. I will admit that my FWH, when I met him, totally fit the KISA profile. I was in a horrible family situation, and so was he. We bonded over that. Eventually, I started to heal from my parents problems, and began to be more independent from FWH. I think that made him unhappy, so he needed to search for other damsels in distress. Our entire relationship, he's been a magnet for those kinds of women. His need to be a KISA gives him a feeling of control he didn't have growing up I guess. When you grow up in unhealthy situations, with poor boundaries, you then develop poor boundaries yourself. It took two affairs before I was able to set boundaries with my FWH. I was in denial and overlooked so many signs for so long. I chalked it up to his charm and good looks. I was proud that women were attracted to him, until the EAs and PAs started. I have hope that by identifying the patterns in our families, we can stop these patterns and change them for the better with support and IC. My motivation is my children. Of course I do want to be healthy too, and be in a healthy marriage. I want our boys to grow up and be secure in their relationships.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, February 19th (Sunday)

wantounderstand, just a thought, but maybe there is no 'understanding' with these things. All we can do is try to make improvements from this moment on. The fact that we are here says, to me, that we are working for a better future. During one of my FWH's EA's years ago, I knew and never confronted. Deep down, I hoped that it would just stop on it's own, and it did. The MOW was my friend, and our kids were friends. Like I mentioned above, I was kind of frozen with fear at that point in our marriage. I knew we were headed down a bad path, but wasn't ready to force a change. FWH and I are in R, and I truly want him to forgive himself for the past. It seems as though he is doing that. I believe that your former H would want that for you, too.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, February 21st (Tuesday)

Question: How is your relationship with the unfaithful parent vs. the faithful? My mom was the faithful one. When she was alive, every decision in my life was made with her in mind. She was a priority in my life. Her opinion mattered to me. We had our disagreements, but I respected her. With my dad, the unfaithful one, I still love him, but I don't seek out his advice, or consult with him on decisions. I don't worry about how my choices will affect him. He is not a factor in my decisions. I make them, then let him know what is going on. He can join in, or not. I don't worry or fret about it. Sometimes, it doesn't feel like he's really a dad to me. It's like there's this guy out there who I talk to a few times per week. In between, I hate to admit that I sometimes just plain forget about him. I think that's a coping mechanism. I spent so many years worrying about him and his messed up life. Enough was enough.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
SnowflakeBonfire
Member
Member # 34292
Frustrated  Posted: 5:50 AM, February 23rd (Thursday)

If anyone wants to feel a little better about their messed up family, please feel free to compare it to mine.

Both my parents are cheaters.

My dad started cheating on my mom before they were married (they had a long engagement). Only once that she can confirm (she contracted an STD). Then cheated on her periodically after that. He admitted to a ONS with a prostitute while my mom was miscarrying, there are various assumed As before and after that. To my knowledge he mostly had PAs with hookers, however he did have EAs and possibly some PAs with people he worked with or worked for him. When my mom was sick with breast cancer and having a mastectomy in another state he was having, at the very least, an EA with our baby sitter (I was 16 at the time but my siblings were 6, 6, 6, and 9). I can remember calling my mom and telling her she needed to come back ASAP because something was going on. Too friendly with her, always "helping her" with something, she would touch his shoulders or his arm in a very non-employee way. She also made a comment about "well, if *I* was your mother..." to myself/siblings which sounds innocuous but her tone of voice implied that she considered it a distinct possibly that she *would* be our "mother" at some point. I moved out at 19 and was not aware of any A activity as I was several states away.

Fast forward to when I was 25. I now live near my parents again. My mom tells me that she and my father are getting a divorce. I am actually not that surprised or especially displeased with this. He was controlling, emotionally (though never physically) abusive, and I knew he had cheated on her (I only knew about one time and only because my sister had brought it up and I had questioned my mom about it). I also find, on his computer (while admittedly snooping), various emails to prostitutes soliciting sex.

My dad, who has had various medical problems throughout his life fell sick several days after she revealed to me that they were separating, but before any news of this had been relayed to my siblings. He was hospitalized. I offered to spend the night at their house so she could go to the hospital. Mom confides that she thinks a man who had previously worked for them is interested in her. I'm not sure how to react but say something about how she'll be single soon so then she can pursue that if she wants. She had previously been "helping" him with his "custody case" regarding his youngest child (he has 8 or so, and possibly more that he hasn't claimed and none lived with him). One night she doesn't come home till about 3am. I ask her were she was. She states she fell asleep at OM's house. Remember, at this point my siblings still think she and my father are married and fairly happy. Her "dates" with OM become a nightly occurrence, using me to cover for her. After a week of this I give her an ultimatum; she has three days to tell my siblings what is going on or *I* tell them. Cornered, she finally sits the children down and tells them (they are 15, 15, 15, and 18 at this point).

What follows is several years of hell. My father's health deteriorated rapidly. My mother instantly shacked up with OM (moving out the day after telling my siblings). OM is a drug user, dealer, emotionally AND physically abusive. My siblings bounce from house to house, not really sure which is worse. My youngest sister comes to live with me for a year. My mother spends her time working to support unemployed OM. I take over care of my father who is becoming more and more disabled as time progresses. My sister goes to live with my grandparents, my brothers come to live with my father who sets no boundaries and allows them to act out and act up in ways that would have, previously, merited strict punishment (drinking, partying, street racing, etc). My mother tries to get custody of OM's youngest child as he is a "wonderful father" (still reeling over that one). The oldest of my siblings escapes with friends and moves several states away. My youngest brother is suicidal.

Things go from worse to... well.... worse. OM becomes physically violent to my siblings. My brothers, now 17, feel they cannot leave because they think OM will kill my mother (which is probably true). My father needs progressively more care and is unable to really support himself financially.

My mother finally decides to leave, moving states away. Still in a fog over OM, believes it was only RECENT drug use that made him "crazy", continues contact with him, etc. Gets custody of his youngest child thereby binding herself to him forever.

My father, now disabled but living in the house next door to me (so he has a semblance of autonomy) has rewritten history to paint himself as the hero and her has villain. He also repaints my (and siblings') childhood as well as other key events.

My sister gets a brain injury while doing cheer leading. Mother will not pursue treatment options because she is "too busy" and (my opinion) likes that my sister is now home to give her free babysitting. Sister is now a shut-in.

Throughout both parents use, mostly me (as I prefer to be the one they use, instead of my young siblings), to pass messages and "check up on" the other person, they attempt to manipulate me (and siblings) to "their side" through lies and gifts. They lie. They ruin themselves financially. They BREAK MY FAMILY.

The current: My father died in November (3 days after I found out about my SO's A, nice that). My mother is in the "off" position of her on and off again relationship with OM. She *says* he is clean now. Brothers will both graduate HS this year (late, they missed a lot of school... guess why???). I am handling my dad's estate. I am trying to help my shut-in sister get into (and stay in) college. I am trying to get my brother, who still has severe depression, help.

So I guess I am done "dealing with unfaithful parents" but still trying to put the pieces back together from their screwed-upped-ness.


BSO: SnowflakeBonfire (29)
WSO: LonesomeRoad (27)

Trying to R...


Posts: 106 | Registered: Dec 2011
icbtih8
Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, February 23rd (Thursday)

I was just SO sure that given what FWS and I had BOTH suffered..., that FWS would NEVER want to hurt me in the exact SAME way.

I took out the parts that didn't pertain to me.

This. I thought I was "safe" because he understood. The fact of the matter is that his experience was much different than mine and by the time we met, my mom and dad were separated.

WH's father died when he was a baby leaving behind his older sister, a brother not of the same mother who he's never met and who is older than him but younger than his sis, and himself. He never saw the stress and turmoil infidelity caused because he was a baby.

At the age of 11, he went to live with his grandparents and it was rumored that his grandfather was cheating on his grandmother. After years of living together, my impression is that his grandparents' marriage was "dead" and she really didn't care what her husband was up to. Of course, my impression is based on what I was told by WH.

So he basically didn't really know the ramifications of infidelity even though it was happening all around him.

How is your relationship with the unfaithful parent vs. the faithful?

Both my parents were unfaithful. My mom was the OW in my dad's second marriage. I am the OC. He left his second wife to live with my mom and was unfaithful to her throughout their relationship with various women. She knew about them but was unable to leave, emotionally and financially. She did have one or two EA's while i was young. I've only realized this recently. She finally left by having an exit A with a single man who treated her like a booty call (he called and she would leave us to be with him). This went in for 7 years. Until very recently, I had never seen my mom show an ounce of self respect.

I vowed to not be like my parents and here I am, with a wayward for a husband. Crap. My biggest struggle is "if I knew what infidelity looked like, why the f*ck did I marry a cheater?!"

As for my parents, I don't really have a close relationship with them. My father passed away in January, but prior to this, it had been close to 10 years that I had not spoken to him. He was an emotionally abusive man and our distance was more because of the kind of father he was than the kind of husband. My relationship with my mon is platonic. I tell her the bare minimum. Her disregard for us whenever the OM called left a scar. It doesn't hurt, or throw me in a fit of rage anymore, but I don't trust her to have my best interest in mind.

Maybe this is why I've been able to stay with WH for so long after dday, though what I want is D. It is known and comfortable to feel like the only one looking out for me is me. I don't believe something else could exist.

[This message edited by icbtih8 at 7:33 AM, February 23rd (Thursday)]


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
SnowflakeBonfire
Member
Member # 34292
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, February 23rd (Thursday)

I vowed to not be like my parents and here I am, with a wayward for a husband. Crap. My biggest struggle is "if I knew what infidelity looked like, why the f*ck did I marry a cheater?!"

@ icbtih8
My biggest fear is ending up like my mom. Married to a serial cheater who emotionally tramples their SO whenever they want to.


BSO: SnowflakeBonfire (29)
WSO: LonesomeRoad (27)

Trying to R...


Posts: 106 | Registered: Dec 2011
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 24th (Friday)

Hi Everyone, I'm also an adult child of an unfaithful parent.

Here is my story (warning, it might be really long).

My mother and my father got married in 1972, or 73. I came along in '76. My brother J, came along in '78. By 1980 my father was a city policeman, and he was a cheater.

Around this time, I just turned 5 (or maybe I was 4?). My mother's birthday is in September, and my dad, my mom, and mom's BFF went "out" to celebrate. The next morning, I woke up, likely at the crack of dawn, as kids do, and I wanted my breakfast. I remember that I had recently been allowed to pour my own cereal in the bowl, but still needed help with milk. I walked into my parents' bedroom, to ask my mom for help. To my surprise, I saw my mom on her normal side of the bed. My dad in the middle of the bed, and mom's BFF on the other side of my dad. Topless.

I remember feeling very, very scared. I walked over to my mom, and said "Mommy, why is Mrs C in bed with you and daddy" My mother sat up, looked over, and said "Go to your room."

The next few hours were nothing but screaming. J came in my room, and we just held each other.

After that, my mom just cried all the time. My dad moved out to live with Mrs C, and her two kids. I remember when my dad was leaving, I wrapped myself around his leg and begged "Daddy, please don't leave. I'll be a good girl", and he said to my mother "Get her off of me."

My mother and father divorced after that. My mother went on to marry a good guy, and they have been married 26 yrs.

My father went on to his second wife (who was NOT an OW), and had my 2nd brother, C. Their marriage lasted about 3 yrs, because he started cheating on wife #2 with a 17 yr old burger king employee. My dad was in his 30's at this time. My father introduced us to his "friend" on my birthday. He said "Let's keep this between you and me. I need you kids to be tactful." I didn't know what tactful meant, so when I got home, I asked my mother. She said it meant to keep a quiet counsel to yourself. I said "Oh so it means don't tell someone if someone else does something they aren't supposed to do?" My mother said "what happened?" So I told her that my dad brought this girl on the boat and said she was his friend but we needed to be tactful about it. My mother said "How does that make you feel?" I said "I feel scared and sad and I want to to talk to Laura." So my mother dialed up my stepmother, and said "N needs to talk to you." So I told my stepmother about my dad's girlfriend. She thanked me for being honest with her, and told me she loved me. I, to this day, treat Laura as family.

After I outed my dad, this girl used to torment my stepmother. She'd call Laura and taunt her.
Finally, she had enough and filed for D.

My father went on to marry the OW, whom I hated. She was 6yrs older than me, and didn't want me, J, or C around. So we never saw my dad.

Dad had a vasectomy after C was born, because he maintained that C was "an accident", and that my stepmother "trapped" him. I was 12 yrs old when C was born. I said "Wow, dad, I didn't know it was 1858 and you HAD to marry a girl if she was pregnant."
My father yelled at my mother for "poisoning" my mind against him. I mean, God forbid, I have my own thoughts and opinions.

Anyway, fast forward a little, and dad has been married to OW for about 8 yrs. She comes to him and asks for D. He panics and says he'll do anything to stay M. He really loved this girl. She said "well I decided I want kids and you can't have any, so I want out."

My dad had his vasectomy reversed for her. She left him anyway, after finally confessing that she fell in love with a lawyer, and she gave him the "ILBINILWY" speech. He was devestated.

I thought he got his Karma. And I said as much to him.


After a few years of being on his own, he got married again. To a woman who is 6 mos older than me, and shares the same first name with me. (Creepy). Six years ago, they had my baby brother, D. I love that kid to pieces. I even get along well with my new stepmother. She hates when I introduce her as "My Stepmother, N". I find it funny.

Now, I do act like my relationship with my dad doesn't matter. I put on a lot of bravado.

It does. I have major, major abandonment issues. The memory of him saying "Get her off of me", will not die no matter what I do. I judged my own self worth from that incident for SUCH a long time.

My dad left me=my dad doesn't love me=why should anyone else?

My first serious relationship was a best friendship that turned into romance. I was 17. He joined the Army. He asked me to marry him on Christmas the next year. By that April, he already had an OW in another solider. I found out about her that June. He left his wallet open to her picture. I thought it was MY picture. We looked A LOT alike.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't confront. Turns out he bragged to our friends that he had this "girl" back at the base that would do anything for him, buy anythinig for him, etc. My friend said "You tell her, or I will." He said he would. He didn't.

So my best friends in the world sat me down and said "N, Jamie is having an affair." I told them I knew..and the BF of my friend, K, said "He said he still loves you and wants to marry you, but when he's down there, he's "Jimmy", not "Jamie" and is living like that."

I waited for his ass. I waited for him to ETS, and come home to me. Well he ETSd alright, and he came home. For a week. A week that he hid from me. Then he moved to Boston, to be with her. They got married, have two kids and are happy.

I'm happy for him, I am. It took me a LONG time to get there though!

My relationship (or lack thereof) with my father has shaped every relationship I have had with a man. I KNOW what cheating looks like, yet I have managed to get involved with cheaters.

When I turned 30, I took a long look at my life. I forgave myself for past mistakes, and I think I truly started to love myself. I stopped basing my self worth on whether or not my broken father loved me. He does. In his own way, which is not my way. I learned that.

I don't think he's cheating on my now stepmother, but he never, ever got help for himself to see why he did what he did, so you never know.

Now, my current F, is dealing with his father's recently brought to light infidelity. I have talked about this before....his dad chose a stripper crack whore to cheat on his mom with. his mom is in her 70's. His dad is in his late 60's. He's been in this affair for 9 yrs now. He has been caught, gaslighted, admitted it, gone underground, got caught, gaslighted, admitted it...it's a vicious circle.

His mother chooses to bury her head in the sand. But, she confides in my F, which is so unfair to him. He doesn't know what to do or say, and he hates his dad now. His dad acts like he does nothing wrong and can't understand why anyone would ever be angry with him.

So we make a good pair, my F and I!


Posts: 3082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, February 24th (Friday)

For those of us who experienced infidelity growing up with our parents, there are probably too many stories to even remember. What most of us have shared is probably just the tip of the iceberg. One of you mentioned that you are accepting that your dad loves you in HIS way, not your way. That strikes a chord with me. I do believe that's true in many cases anyway. I guess I have accepted that my dad puts himself and his needs first. It's not mean spirited, it's how he is. If he DOES do something nice, he usually wants something. I take his kindness with the wariness of what he'll ask in return. Thank you all for sharing. It is really helping me to share this pain with all of you and to hear some of the things you've done or are doing to heal. Hopefully more SI'ers will share here as well. Like I said, I'm afraid this is the tip of the iceberg. I'm afraid that there are probably many of us here who have this particular FOO issue. Since my father cheated and so did FWH's, why couldn't WE avoid it??? Since we suffered pain as children, how can we inflict the same pain on OUR children??? These are the questions that I am seeking in order to hopefully heal and help our children heal. Some of these stories about the AP becoming a step parent or live in parent? This is one of the reasons I fought hard to save my marriage. The MOW was a stranger who cheated on her husband with mine. I didn't want her in my kids' life as a mother figure. The thought scared me because you just don't know what the future would hold for our kids.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, February 25th (Saturday)

I wanted to answer the question:

How is your relationship with the unfaithful parent vs. the faithful?

My father and I have a friendly relationship, but not a family/father/daughter one. That's as far as I can go. I can say "I love you Dad", but if I try to get emotionally invested in him, I usually get burned. Instead I focus on my relationship with my baby brother. I don't know how healthy that is though. The love I want to show to my dad, I show to my brother. He loves me, unconditionally, so there is no fear of rejection. How sad is that? I fear rejection of love from my father.

My mother and I are close, although we butt heads frequently. But, with her, I have unquestioned trust. She has never lied to me, used me, or put me in harm's way. All things that my father has done.


Posts: 3082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, February 25th (Saturday)

I didn't want her in my kids' life as a mother figure.

That is very profound. To me, that's one of the scariest results of infidelity; the OP winding up with some sort of power over the children. I think you're brave for protecting your kids that way.

The thing about having these parents who cheated... It's sad because I think we learned not what kind of role model we wanted, but what kind we didn't want. And that affects us more deeply than we'll ever know. That's not a way to learn life values, by seeing horrible examples instead of positive ones. But we can reclaim some of it, especially as parents ourselves.

Something I struggle with is how much I still love my mother and didn't want to lose her, how I was always scared of losing her (she had a drug addiction during my early childhood). But what she did to my stepmother absolutely disgusted and hurt me. My therapist has said that I need to work on forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't saying that what happened is okay; it's accepting that yes, it really happened. It's letting go of some of the pain that it happened. I know it's not an overnight process. Each day I need to make the decision to forgive a little. But I'm wondering where to start. Maybe by realizing and being thankful that my stepmother has moved on, and that it's not happening to her anymore. She's not in pain anymore.

Momdaughterwife and itainteasy - I am so glad that your mothers remarried to men who loved them so much. That is the greatest gift out of so much pain. That someone better for THEM came into their lives.

My relationships with my parents were... well, they were complicated by a lot of other things. My diagnosed mental illnesses, my mother's drug addiction, my father's issues with my mental illness in middle school (he hit me a few times when I verbally pushed him too far), the split custody, historic issues with my godmother who I think has some boundary issues, my family's general issues with being passive aggressive and explosively angry, my father's decision to not be in his grandson's life... But I will say, generally, that my father has always been more responsible than my mother. During my mother's drug addiction, I gained some sort of horrible complex that I needed to take care of her (and everyone). It was unhealthy. Also that anything that went wrong, was my responsibility. That I had to keep the peace. So I hid a lot of feelings about my mother's infidelity from myself for a while. My father didn't even know about her betrayal of my stepmother until a couple of months ago, when I emailed him about it (he emails me to keep in touch and ask about therapy, but his requirements for us to keep in touch are that I am to overcome my mental illnesses and in the meantime not speak to him about my son or husband. I haven't seen him in almost two years, by his choice and not mine). Long way of saying, my relationships are complicated with them. All three of them. Forgot to mention that my godmother is an OW in an LTEA (ex fiancé from 40 years ago), and it makes me sick. But my therapist said that I am not to judge her for her lifestyle and that I cannot say anything against her choices out of respect for her as my elder and parent figure. I said something once, she ignored me, and continues to talk about the married man. I've begun walking out of the room when she starts. I feel shitty for being rude to her, and even sicker to think that she justifies doing this. And keeps trying to tell me about it like it's this great secret! After I've told her so many times how my mother's and WH's actions have hurt me. She's made excuses for them somewhat, and I accept that she has her own issues. I still love her. Just not her choices.

Love them, and my way of love is different ...that resonates with me. Thank you itainteasy.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:48 PM, February 25th (Saturday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, February 25th (Saturday)

It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that the way I love and the way my dad loves are very, very different.

But once I did, it was a lot easier to be around him, and involved with his life.

I am very blessed to have my stepfather in my life. He's been there in every way that counts for 26yrs.

silverhopes, my heart is just broken for the little girl you once were. You had to be a grown up way too early, and it is so unfair that you had so much adult pressure to take care of everybody.


Posts: 3082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, February 25th (Saturday)

Thank you (((itainteasy))).

I know my mental illnesses were hard on them though. How do you tell your parents it's not their fault you're sick? No parent wants their child to be sick. I still feel guilty that I don't know how to be normal. But we're working on that in therapy.

I think we all had to grow up way too fast.

I like what you said about your way of loving is different from your father's. That's so wise.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 12:03 AM, February 26th (Sunday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, February 26th (Sunday)

Itainteasy and silverhopes, I agree that accepting their way of loving is not the same is very wise and profound. That being said, through IC, reading on SI all the good advice, I've applied some boundaries with my dad as well. That has really helped me. We do not need to listen to their dysfunctional stories and choices out of respect for them being our elders. We can set boundaries without lecturing them or telling them what to do. My dad lives with my alcoholic brother, against my wishes or advice. We have an agreement that if my brother gets drunk and they argue, my dad is not allowed to call me to complain about it. He knows that I don't agree with him living there in the first place. He continues to allow it, so I cannot worry myself sick about it. He's a big boy. Same with financial woes. I cannot pay my dad's bills or manage his money for him. I've advised him to stop gambling, I've giving him many suggestions for easy, healthy meals, yet my brother and him eat out 1-3 times per day. My dad is diabetic and really cannot do this, but he does. So, I've asked him to please not divulge every awful detail of their money problems, because I can't fix it for them. Another boundary I've had to set? My dad has this bad habit of running to the emergency room for every pain. He has been to every one in our region of our state. He used to call me at all hours of the night, COLLECT!!!! I've given him several calling cards that he loses, so now the rule is that he is to call me from home before he goes, and to call as soon as he gets home unless he uses the calling card. Also, my brother can call me first thing in the morning. We were literally getting upwards of $70 or more extra on our phone bills due to the collect calls. It's like he's this wayward teenager, and I have to administer tough love so he'll grow up! JMHO, this is not an 'unloving' or disrespectful thing to do. When you've been hit by the train, you don't keep laying yourself down on the tracks. So if any of you are currently being triggered by parents' or elders' behaviors, you don't have to watch it, or listen to it. You can speak up for yourself and ask that it not be brought up in your presence. If they cannot stick to the agreement, then yes walk away. If you approach it gently, it can work. With my dad, I would start out by explaining, "Dad, I love you but I can't sleep at night if you tell me too much that I cannot help you with because you won't follow my advice." Every once in awhile he slips up and tries to run me over again, but if I gently remind him he's agreeable to my requests. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I feel like I've found a spot where I really fit in here on SI:-)


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, February 27th (Monday)

I have boundaries with my father, too.

He knows not to do anything in front of me, or tell me anything that he doesn't want other people to know about.

I will NEVER lie for him, nor will I cover up for his stupid choices.

(((((((hugs to all of us)))))))

We have all been casualties of the choices the ones we loved most all made.


Posts: 3082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, February 27th (Monday)

Thank you. Hearing both your stories is encouraging to me, that maybe I can make boundaries with my godmother. With all of them, actually. We teach them how we want to be treated. In fact, it sounds like boundaries are a big part of jumpstarting the healing process. Like you said, otherwise we're just letting them run over us again and again.

I wonder how I would say this to her? "I'm sorry, but this reminds me of something my WH did. Please don't tell me about it anymore. It triggers me." Gosh, one of the reasons why this hurts so much is because there's so much malice behind her attempts to contact this guy. Apparently, while they were serious about each other (I'm pretty sure they were engaged or at least planning on marriage), he cheated on her and got the woman who would be his wife pregnant. She refuses to call it cheating ...she just says that he got her pregnant and that she had heard that the other woman had gone after him knowing about my godmother and him. That was 40 years ago. She started contacting him about 7 years ago. He's still married to the woman from back then. I hate hearing about her excuses with him: "she doesn't make him happy", "she's never worked", "why isn't she calling him when he's at the gym? Why is he calling me?" "he just sounds so alone". It's triggery. And she genuinely does not think she's doing anything wrong. Probably because the woman he married was originally the OW. Okay, I really really get how much that hurts (been there), but to try to be an OW so many years later? Not moving on with her life? Thinking that because the children are adults (well, the grandchildren aren't), that there's no casualties? And for crying out loud, holding on despite it being very obvious that he's never going to leave his wife! Why is she wasting her time on him? Right, because he keeps her roped in, calling her his best friend. They're not best friends, they're EA partners! Because (this hurts to write) she doesn't have the self-respect or respect for others to walk away.

Thank you for this safe place where I can say how I feel.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, February 29th (Wednesday)

Silverhopes- you can approach setting new or additional boundaries however you feel comfortable. Your suggestion sounds good. If you want to leave your WH out of the equation, instead you could say, "I worry too much about you. I can't tell you what to do or make your choices for you, so please do not tell me anymore about your affair with so and so. Please know that it's not because I don't care about you. This is just a topic that is too deeply upsetting for me to hear about in detail." You could then say, "If you feel you need to discuss it, please see a counselor. I also have some suggestions for book titles that you can read." With my MIL, I had to set some boundaries in talking about FWH's alcoholism. She knows about the rehab. and AA, but was grilling me too much about it. She would never grill FWH, her son, so I didn't feel it was right to grill me. I suggested she see a counselor to talk about it and also suggested Al-Anon along with some book titles. She has not said ONE WORD SINCE!!!!


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
4myparents
New Member
Member # 32562
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, March 1st (Thursday)

Hello everyone.

I'll post my story later. I'm too tired right now, but I want to send ((((hugs)))) to all of you.

And thanks to the Mods for creating this particular thread.

4MP


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: United States
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, March 2nd (Friday)

I agree with the setting boundaries. Before my fWS affair I spent a lot of time as my Mom's sounding board about MOM. When I first found out, they had been together for 18 years and my mom still held out hope he'd leave his wife for her. I remember her complaining to me (just like Carrie Fisher in when Harry Met Sally) "I just don't think he is going to leave his wife!" No shit! It had been 25 years at that point. My mom actually wanted to know how long his wife would last with her neurological disease (I'm a doctor so she asked be millions of details about this one particular disease.... Ugh, like she wanted this woman to die and get out of her way already).

Since the A I told my mom: "No more discussing MOM, EVER!" I don't want to ever hear his loathe some name again. I can support my mom but not her A any longer. And it just sickens me that I ever listened or participated in it.


Me: BS 44
Her: fWS 47 (same sex partner)
Together: 17 now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, March 2nd (Friday)

Good for you Purplejacket4. Yes, once we realize we need boundaries and set them, we wonder HOW we listened and listened for SO long. You know, I used to smoke. Once I quit, I couldn't stand to be around it and wondered HOW I ever did it.
4myparents, I hope to see you here soon with your story:-)


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
PlainsGirl29
Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, March 3rd (Saturday)

Recently discovered I may be an OC, MY mom was single, I am a product of a ons and never have met my dad, only had contact via phone and email which he denied being my dad, a new shock right now.

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 5th (Monday)

Hi PlainsGirl,

((((((((Hugs))))))))))

How hard that must be on you! Are you able to get any answers? (DNA??)

Hi also to 4mp ((((((((hugs))))))))

This thread is great. It feels liberating to talk about this subject.

I was ashamed of my father for a long time....and ashamed of myself for having his DNA. IC helped me understand that his "sins" were his alone and not a reflection of me, as a person.


Posts: 3082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, March 5th (Monday)

Plainsgirl, I sincerely hope you get some answers. (((((Hugs))))))

itainteasy- don't even get me started on the shame factor. Both sides of our family know about my dad's cheating. My mom told the universe, not that my dad hid it. His workplace knew, and most of our neighborhood. In my dad's family, he's the black sheep. In my mom's family, he's a lepper, and I'm just as bad for not disowning him completely. Literally we've been blackballed from inclusion in the family. Then there's the contingent who 'feels sorry' for me. Being the subject of pity isn't much fun, either. Ugh.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, March 6th (Tuesday)

(((((momdaughterwife))))))

You are NOT your father's choices. You are wonderful.


Posts: 3082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
icbtih8
Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, March 19th (Monday)

Bump for Firefox


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, March 19th (Monday)

Thanks for the bump. Another bump for 4myparents. I've been on the lookout for your story to be posted here. (((Hugs))) to all of you today!!!


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
nlovemyfamily
Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)

I have 3 adult kids who have no real relationship with their unfaithful father. We are D but kids will not back down from their principals as they were betrayed when their father committed and gave his word he would stay and repair the destruction he caused. He did not stay and broke his promise many times. I wonder if the adult kids of unfaithful parents feel like the parent gambled with their lives? Thinking they would take the risk of losing respect, honor or even any ongoing relationship. So in effect they were pawns in the gamble. Just need to hear opinions from others in this situation!

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, March 31st (Saturday)

Yes, I would say that I feel my dad gambled with all of our lives, including his own. We talk, but 'no real relationship' applies to us as well. His gamble did not pay off. My brother and him have fared worse than me, although obviously I have my problems. If he had gone to church with us, gone for counseling, included my mom and us in his vacations, included us with his friends, been there for us in the good times and bad, maybe my brother would not be an alcoholic on disability who's never held a job at age 47. Maybe my parents would have stayed married? Maybe both my parents health would have not gone down the tubes? Maybe my mom wouldn't have died poor and my dad wouldn't be poor too? My mom died at age 61. Stress and years of depression brought her down. She aspirated in her sleep Maybe I would not have had a dysfunctional marriage/relationship for so many years? Parent who behave badly scar their kids. I feel I've forgiven, and don't blame him anymore for everything, but I wonder about how all our lives might have been different if he hadn't chosen to be a serial cheater and alcohol abuser for years.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
Sapphire_blue
Member
Member # 34074
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, March 31st (Saturday)

I did everything possible to marry someone completely different from my father who cheated on my mom, was emotionally detached from his family, and preferred the company of 19/20 year olds.

Somehow my husband morphed into a man who cheats on his wife, is emotionally detached from his family, and prefers the company of 21/22 year olds.

I must have stumbled into the Twilight Zone
It is so surreal.
This wasn't supposed to happen.

My mom stayed married, probably for financial reasons. I opted not to (and after having witnessed my mom's sacrifices I ensured I would never be financial dependent on anyone. Tough lesson. Thanks mom.


I think NIKs DD said it best "Mom, are married people even supposed to be on dating sites?"

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” ― Oprah Winfrey


Posts: 887 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: USA
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, April 1st (Sunday)

I thought I married someone different than my dad, too. Before my FWH, I even dumped someone because he seemed TOO MUCH LIKE MY DAD! You see, when we've been scarred by parents behaving badly, I think it alters our ability to judge. We try so hard to seek out the opposite, we end up with the same problems repeating themselves. Lesson learned. If you grow up with parents who lie and cheat, get some counseling before you jump into your own relationships.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, April 15th (Sunday)

My dad, the one who cheated repeatedly on my mom, has continued to mess up his life. Now, at age 70, he has my 47 year old alcoholic brother living with him. My brother can't drive so he walks to the bars. This weekend, he fell and broke his arm walking home drunk in the middle of the night. My dad doesn't do Al-anon, won't read, etc. but keeps thinking he's responsible I guess. He keeps trying to 'help.' My mom was the same until she died. Why can't people realize that by trying to 'help' they actually make it worse for themselves and the addict???


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, April 19th (Thursday)

I think the mindset is guilt.

I would venture to guess that your father feels like it's his fault your brother is the way he is. So he feels like he should be 'taking care' of him.

It makes things so difficult.

((hugs))

[This message edited by itainteasy at 10:29 AM, April 19th (Thursday)]


Posts: 3082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, April 24th (Tuesday)

So after 30 years my mom (WW/OW to MOM) gave up on him ever leaving his wife. (for Cripe's sake he's in his EIGHTIES now). She moved from her hometown hundreds of miles to be in the same city as me, fWS and BFF. For months the excitement of the move, change of scenery, learning a new town after 50+ years in the same place kept her going.

Now the reality of her situation has hit home. She dedicated/wasted THIRTY years making herself available to this ass. She did not develop relationships with friends, siblings or her only child. Now she has NOTHING and virtually no one. She is so depressed and talking of killing herself. She even was asking me which of her prescriptions would be lethal (I'm an FP so I certainly know how to efficiently off oneself)! I gave her 24 hours to call a counselor and schedule a follow up with her PCP (who trained me). Otherwise I'm hauling her ass to "Giant Religious Hospital"'s ER to see the psych assessor. F•U•C•K!!! I'm a physician and I can't seem to help my own mother.


Me: BS 44
Her: fWS 47 (same sex partner)
Together: 17 now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, April 26th (Thursday)

Oh Purplejacket.... (((hugs)))

I feel very sad for your mom. She chose MM over her family for such a long time, that there may be no chance of ever reparing those relationships.

It isn't your job to fix her. It isn't your job to save her.

I think you've done what you can, by giving her a time line to seek help, or you will make sure she gets it.

How is she today? How are you?


Posts: 3082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, April 26th (Thursday)

Purplejacket,

I just saw this thread for the first time. It seems so unfair to have to deal with the burden of your WS's A, and then the burden of your mom's A, at the same time!

I hope you can convince her to see a therapist, both for her own sake, and to give you a break.

Take care of yourself, dealing with all these problems is just so emotionally draining...


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1696 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, April 28th (Saturday)

My mom saw her PCP and got meds. She's calling therapists. I hope she's honest with them. A couple of years ago I had to tell her shrink in her hometown about her FOO and 30 year affair because she didn't think it was relevant for him to know. WTF?!? She is the queen of compartmentalizing and rationalizing.

I am tired. Dealing with my mom, trying to keep fWS stable (she doesn't do well with change and the move, selling old house, etc. has been a bitch), arranging the move, paying the bills, worrying about our jobs, and arranging for middle dog to travel 300 miles to specialty vet for surgery, etc, etc. has stretched me to the limit. I need to sleep.


Me: BS 44
Her: fWS 47 (same sex partner)
Together: 17 now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, May 3rd (Thursday)

Purplejacket, I hope that today finds you in better spirits.

I hope you got that sleep. It must be incredibly frustrating to have to be the ONLY person that can get things done for everyone in your life.

Actually---I know how that is. If I don't make the arrangements, appointments, gather materials, etc. shit doesn't get done.

Often I want to scream out to the universe "I AM ONE FUCKING PERSON, I CAN'T DO IT ALL" but, I somehow manage.

Now that I have "voiced" that...it sounds like I have some control issues.

I guess I better get back into IC.


Posts: 3082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)

bump for MegM and CoC

My mom went to her first therapy appointment in 30 years. I hope this one is better than the one that told her to follow her heart (MOM)


Me: BS 44
Her: fWS 47 (same sex partner)
Together: 17 now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
HurtYetHealing
Member
Member # 34376
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, May 24th (Thursday)

First time posting in this forum. Here goes nothing.

I'm a Daddy's girl through and through. I've always known I was his favorite. But being the favorite of a serial cheater is hardly something to be proud of.

Dad cheated on Mom while they were dating, then later on while they were married. Finally, after we all moved to the states (born and raised in Puerto Rico) with 3 small children, he approached my mother with the following proposition:

Dad: You know I've been cheating on you. I think I should live with you and sleep with her whenever I want. She's fine with this idea. You should be too.


WTF?!?!?!?!

Mom kicks him out. Lots of drama ensues.

Dad marries OW. They have an OC (beautiful little sis). Dad becomes an alcoholic and start abusing pain killers. OW leaves Dad after he "dies" for 3 minutes, is brought back to life, and spends 2 months recovering.

I can't blame her. She did what was best for her children.

By this time I went from seeing my dad everyday when we were living together, to 3 times a week, to twice a week when I was 10, then not seeing him again until I'm 15.

At 15, he shows up one day with a new "wife" who is 5 months pregnant with my half brother. Dad still has a drinking problem and newly diagnosed mental issues.

His new "wife" is very nice and we hit it off. We're both pregnant; me with my first, her with her 5th. A few years pass and he is deep in alcoholism and up to his cheating habits again.

Enter the next OW, another drug addict/alcoholic. She gives him the beautiful gift of Hepatitis. Poor stepmom

After 9 years of this crap, stepmom kicks Dad out. Dad begins dating someone new (God Dad! Keep it in your pants!!!). This little jewel is 24 years old. How twisted that she's my age at this point?!?!?!

24 yr old does quite the number on Dad. Dad gets his sh*t together. Then she kicks him out after relocating him and little brother 3 states away.


Fast forward to my H's infidelity. Dad is our greatest advocate! Dad wants us to work things out. He starts spewing, "I wish I had tried one more time with your mother. When I was with her, I was the best I've ever been. I knew my house and my children were okay and I never had to worry. Sure, since then I've had moments of happiness. But I've never been as great as I was when I was with her".

He's thrilled we're together and making it work. However, he keeps making these extremely rude comments to FWH. I brushed it off as joking around. But he kept going. When I talk to him on the phone, he puts FWH down. All the time.

Is it jealousy that FWH is doing what he needs to do to make our marriage work and he couldn't? That's the only thing I can think of. I really don't have anyone in real life to discuss this with without feeling like I'm betraying my Dad in some way.


Me-32 BW, Him-34 fWH
5 amazing children
Dday: December 2, 2011
M: 14 years(13@JFO), together for 18 (17@JFO) Status: Roller coaster of R
It takes a heart to forgive, and a brain to move on.

Posts: 706 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
MegM
Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, May 24th (Thursday)

Thank you Purple Jacket. for bumping this thread. I had thought when I first joined SI it was for ppl who's parents were 'currently' cheating. Rather then the connection between ifidelity in FOO and being betrayed in my own marriage.

Arggh I have read through .some of the posts and really send my support and love to all of you here.
HYH: I admire the courage it must have taken to disclose your H's infidelity to your Dad. If you are reconciling with your H. I really believe your dad is betraying you with his comments. His putting himself and his own injured ego before you. I think this is pretty consistent behaviour for someone with substance dependancy. Maybe you could state very clearly that he is to not comment on your M or your H. this behaviour is meaning he is no freind to your M.

My story - very briefly. Both of my parents were unfaithful during my childhood. I knew my Mother thought this of my Dad but didn't know about his behaviour until I was an adult. He travelled wiht his business and largely played up on the road. However, he had a long term EA with a friends wife who was my Mum's friend. I knew about Mum's jealousy and thought she was over reacting.

My Mum had many affairs a couple of them right in front of us kids when dad was away. Some one night stands that I new about (in the house at the time) and one ONS that I walked in on them having sex. She didn't know that i saw this and stayed the night with him while cried myself to sleep in our car. I was 10 years old.

Dealing with the confirmation of my H's infidelity and my road to R has been littered with the deeds of my parents.

The other compounding factor is that my siblings and I were physcially and sexually abuse by our older sister.

anyway. That is my story and that runs beneath this. Our counsellor has said it is what has escalated the A. into a complete catastrophe that has left me totally traumatised. I am only just now beginning to cry tears of sadness. rather then this extreme sense of broken images and sensory overload when I reflect on the timeline and actions of his A.

Sorry for the long first post everyone.


BS / fWS- me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS - him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 children (6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulde

Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)

Meg

That's so much to go through....

It kills me that the people who were supposed to protect us didn't.

HyH,
Wow...My dad uh.."got around" like that too. I have one "full" sibling, and two half. My stepmother is 6 mos older than me, and we have the same first name. She goes by the formal name, I go by the nickname.

My youngest brother is 7. I am 36.

The things that happen when we're kids really do shape the adults that we become.

I'm glad your dad is rooting for you and your spouse to work it out. I agree that he's being a negative influence though. He needs to keep the rude shit to himself. It doesn't do any good...it makes your H feel shitty and makes you feel shitty. He needs to keep his mouth shut.

I would say that yes, he probably IS jealous that you're willing to work it out with your husband. He probably deeply regrets the family he threw away all those years ago.

Hang in there..


Posts: 3082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
rsm46
Member
Member # 34957
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)

Glad I saw this thread because this definitly fits my situation.

I never really thought about how my parents affected my M until after my A.

I love my parents but I am another one of those "daddy's girls." My dad has always been my best friend. I always knew his faults but he has always been there for me, and since he's my dad, I've always overlooked them and have accepted him for who he is, even if I didn't agree with him.

My dad and mom were pen pals (yes, old fashioned pen and paper) for one year. At the time, my dad was living with a woman who was very much in love with him, while he was writing my mom. He asked my mom to marry him through the letter and she said yes. She was in another country, so she thought he would be her ticket to the US.

My dad had grown up in foster homes after his mom left all the kids with his dad. When he did eventually live with his father, he was subject to daily physical and verbal lashings.

He wanted to marry my mom in hopes of starting a family with someone new. Someone who he thought needed him. He wanted something good in his life and thought this was the way to get it.

They didn't marry for love. They married for what they could get out of each other.

My mom's idea was to marry my dad, divorce him and then bring the rest of her family here, but then I came along. Whoops...

They did ok with each other for about 10 years. Loved each other, but not in love. The more my mom treated my dad like crap the more he wanted to do for her.

Eventually, their relationship fell apart. They stopped trying altogether and my dad started having affairs. I knew of none of them up until a year ago. As far as I know, my mom never cheated, but I do know that she has said that my dad could be with whoever he wants as long as he didn't divorce her.

So my dad bounces back and forth in between his house and an apartment that he built for himself. For the past year and a half, he's been seeing another woman. My mom knows and justs accepts it. She doesn't seem to care as long as my dad keeps paying the bills. It's very dysfunctional.

I never thought it was right for my dad to be with another woman while he was still married. I remember talking to him multiple times about just getting the divorce if he was that unhappy. Instead, he found someone else and I once again just put it away as if were nothing.

Only it wasn't nothing, and just as I have taken after my dad in so many other ways, I went ahead with my own affair. More dysfunction to add to the mix.

My dad provides for this woman financially and has been for the past year. He did it to help her out for a while. He recently told her he couldn't anymore and she became angry with him. Wow, an affair with an unhappy ending, big surprise.

I can't believe that at this point, that after my father has watched me go through my own affair and has witnessed the devastation that it has caused, that he still continues this lifestyle.

The worst part about all of this is that I no longer have the close relationship that I once had with my dad. For whatever reason, he still sympathizes with the OM, who happens to be his employee. I miss seeing my parents every day and being close to them, only I can't be around that toxic mess, especially when the OM is still very much a part of my dad's life. OM gets treated like family yet he is part of the mess too.

Oh to be able to turn back the clock...

I love my parents but I just don't understand them, and I refuse to let them continue to be a negative influence in my life.



Happy days are here again:)

Posts: 158 | Registered: Feb 2012
MegM
Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, June 15th (Friday)

RSM & It Ain't Easy

Sorry that life has meant we have found each other here.

I had a brief emotional affair with a kiss on one occassion with a friend about ten years ago. I think I very nearly lived out the script I was given - and I understand how much work it took to stare that down.

Ten years later - here I am on the other side - so maybe I didn't re-write the script after all.

Now the intense and continuous screaming in my ears and lights in my eyes have subdued I am starting to get a fuller view.

In our session yesterday our therapist was talking about our animal like reactions to trauma. It seems so overstated to say 'I was traumtised by my husbands affair' but that I know it to be true.

He talk about flight, Fight (which I knew about) Freeze and Fold.

I know I fought like I never have when I first suspected but didn't "KNOW". When the A was confirmed - but he kept lying to me about the details - I couldn't fight it anymore and against my very nature - I folded into a ball of sensory overload. I have relived, triggered, had night terrors, become immobile, not functioned for days, stopped eating, eaten like I was starving, Had lights flash in my eyes for hours,and screatching in my ears.

There have been two other times in my life when i have had some (not all) of these symptoms. When I found my Mother with another man and during and after two car accidents 8 days apart.

During this period of TT my physical and psychological symptoms looked so extreme and yet he continued to lie, continued to play with my head, twist matters, place blame on me.

I am understanding that people who do this during and after their affairs are torturing their partners. this emotional abuse is dreadful for any person. For someone with a history like mine it was beyond a reckoning. It is hard to find words.

I feel like my healing is beginning to fuse. Untill that began i am not sure I could really look at the edge I was standing on and how close I was to it - the vertigo might overwhelm me.

I am still hyper sensitive to sound and light. I still find the ground rushing up to me in the middle of a business meeting. I still can't remember the forth last word that someone has said to me - all of a sudden - no matter how important the conversation is.

I have been faking it till I make though. I have pulled off the most successful annual event my work has ever had and pulled a major policy development. All while my world has nearly crumbled beneath my feet.

Sorry I rambling here. I just don't know where else to take my ramblings.

And I wanted to share how extreme my body, mind and soul have reacted to this - because maybe there is someone else reading who untill they saw this thought they were the only one.

Meg


BS / fWS- me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS - him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 children (6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulde

Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
wintergreen
New Member
Member # 35880
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)

I've learned so much in such a short period of time about A's and the destruction they cause... and it has caused me to look at my parents' M in a new light. I strongly suspect my dad had an A at some point, as it surely would explain my mom's hostile treatment of him in the past 10 or so years. They've always been volatile and always fought, but it's become increasingly worse in recent years. In some ways I wonder if they'd be better off with D... but mom has said before that dad can't afford to D her. Kind of messed up... If they are so unhappy together, then why stay together? Sometimes they act like they are just fine though, so I don't know.

The day after H and I got married, dad called and vented to me about mom's treatment of him. Repeated some of the horrible things she's said to him. I suggested MC, which dad scoffed at. He is the most proud man I know and would never sit down with a shrink and discuss problems or feelings. Ever. But the fact that he was reaching out to me for help with his hurt makes me think he must be hurting bad to even be putting it into words. Nevermind the fact that as his child (and a newlywed!!) that he shouldn't be dumping on me, and messing up the healthy parent-child relationship dynamic.

I am kind of stunned to be putting all the pieces together, but it sure seems like I figured out why my parents act the way they do. Wouldn't be in the least bit surprised to find out that my mom is posting on SI. Maybe I've even read her posts.... I've found myself looking at people's signatures and wondering if one of them is my mom... Wow.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2012
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 25th (Monday)

Hey wintergreen

Can you ask your dad straight forward about it?

I totally understand if you don't want actual confirmation. I wonder if your parents could learn from what you're going through.

Of course, some people would just rather be miserable together than alone. I'd never be able to live that way, but some people choose to.

(((hugs))) It must be difficult to watch two people you love hurt each other.


Posts: 3082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
foundfootsteps
New Member
Member # 35984
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, July 2nd (Monday)

I've been reading the forums a bit and finally registered. This was one of the first places I wanted to post.

My sister and I grew up moving around with my mom. She and my dad divorced pretty early on in our lives. It meant us moving from our home and family in Germany to the United States where we needed to learn a new language and make due with very little family support.

My mom has been married three times. She has told me a little bit about her goings on, but a lot comes from family as I've gotten back in touch with them. Apparently she was pretty promiscuous when she was younger and it carried over into her first marriage. She cheated on my dad which led to some sort of violence. Honestly I don't remember it that well, I do have images of a man choking my mom and me getting my sister into another room. I don't know who he was, but my sister asserts that it was our dad. I'll probably never know for sure.

For a few years things actually went pretty smoothly here in the States. Mom was married to her second husband for around ten years before things went south. It was the early 2000s and our household got a computer with internet for the first time. It was this way that my mom met her third husband online through my aunt. He was a soldier (like my second dad) who worked with my uncle.

We visited my aunt and uncle (they lived in a different state) and while we were there I remember catching my mom sleeping in the same bed as this new guy she met online through my aunt. We went back home and not long thereafter my mom and step-dad divorced. We got to move again.

She married that new soldier, they've been together now for ten years. Until around five years ago when I went to college I still lived with them. I got a sick feeling every time my mom would get online, especially while step-dad 2 was gone at work. It didn't make matters any better that she was drinking more too. Those two are still together, so things must be going well, but I've got younger siblings who still live with that same uncertainty I did when I was there.

I don't like to make excuses for any of my behaviors; but sometimes I wonder if I was more affected than I thought by my mom's behavior. We were very close, she often called me her "sanity" and confided a lot in me. I never liked a lot of her behavior and promised I wouldn't emulate it, but it's easy to wonder.


Me: FWH-23
Her: BW-34

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2012
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, July 4th (Wednesday)

Found footsteps- Welcome to this thread. You're not alone. Our FOO (family of origin) issues are very much at play in our lives. I've learned that we unwittingly follow similar paths as our parents trying to fix things or because it's what we know. That scares me for my kids and makes me more determined to break patterns now for them, myself, and my husband. Are you in IC? It has really helped my spouse and me with our FOO. Keep reading and posting here, read books, IC, eventually MC too. Educating yourself is the best offense in creating a stronger self. That leads to healthier relationships too. Good luck to you.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
foundfootsteps
New Member
Member # 35984
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 18th (Wednesday)

momdaughterwife - Thanks for the reply. That cycle is one of the things that scares me the most about this whole thing. I can't stand the idea of passing on these troubles, one way or another, to our kids.

My wife picked up a book recently, "Repeat After Me," which is basically a workbook for dealing with dysfunctional family issues. We started working through it together over the weekend. I think it'll be really helpful. It's funny how looking at concrete details like home dynamics can give us insights into how our parents affected who we are as adults.

I'm not currently in IC, though I have been in the past. My last session was over a year ago. Right now I'm looking at ACOA. I've been to a few meetings, but trying to find a time and place that works with my Fall class schedule.

I need to stick better to learning about myself. My wife has been wonderful when it comes to supporting me and even giving me ideas. Working on a journal, autobiography, and things like that are helping. I'm not crazy about the autobiography but it's probably what works the best. I go over the things from my childhood technically, then go back and add feelings and possible outcomes. I'm also working it up to where we are now. It makes me uncomfortable, but I think that's the nature of the beast. Makes me feel like it's getting us somewhere.


Me: FWH-23
Her: BW-34

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2012
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 20th (Friday)

Footsteps- everything you're doing are good steps. I wish FWH had the foresight at your age to get help. FWH and I both had/have fathers who were alcoholics and serial cheaters. We are accepting that seeking to learn about ourselves and ask for help when needed will be our way of life indefinitely. Think of it like this. You're spirit is a flower that needs soil for an anchor, sunlight for energy, minerals for food, and water for life. It's a daily thing:-)


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, August 30th (Thursday)

So, I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now.

My uncle (My father's brother) just got caught cheating on his wife of 43 yrs. She kicked him out, and is DONE.

It has brought a lot of feelings up for me, about my dad's cheating.

I found some new things out about him, too, recently that....I'm just disappointed.

1) He had a good job as a security chief for a casino. He got fired for sexually harassing a female guard that worked for him. She said he texted her sexual things. He said he was "forwarding" off color jokes to "everyone" in his contacts, and didn't think anyone would be "offended".

My step mother---has either accepted his version, or has buried her head in the sand.

2) He apparently invited his second ex wife to camp, when my step mother can't go. My ex stepmother has refused any, and all advances.

3) He's on FB. He says he uses it to communicate with my half brother who lives in Kentucky. However, his friends list is about 80% women/girls.

Just the other day, I saw him comment on a "friend's" status SHE wrote "that awkward moment when you're chatting up the cute store clerk and he tells you there is some of your breakfast stuck in your teeth. HAHA I said "I did that on purpose so you'd have to talk to me!" FAIL!

My dad commented: "Well what about that cute security guard?"

SHE responded "Zip it E."


------

Yeah. This girl is in her mid 20's. My father is 60.

INAPPROPRIATE.

I sent him a FB message and told him I was disappointed in his behavior.

He said "It's none of your buisness. It's between me and my wife"

So I asked him "Does your wife know??"

*crickets*


Which is exactly what I thought.

She DOESN'T know. Now what do I do? Tell her?

I'm really torn. They have a 7 yr old. I don't want Dylan to grow up the way I did. Never seeing my dad.

But I don't want want my stepmother to live in a miserable marriage either.

Part of me thinks she knows what he's up to, and she doesn't care. But, then again....what if she is really clueless?

She knows his history. She also knows he has never accepted counseling or therapy.

He says "I go home every night, that's what counts."


I disagree.

And I feel like I'm getting to a point where I'm about to cut my dad out of my life again.


I just can't watch him self destruct, and destroy my stepmother, whom I am very fond of. ...and I don't want to see my baby brother suffer.

Thanks for letting me get this out



Posts: 3082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, September 12th (Wednesday)

Update: My mom is much better; has lost 25 lbs, in therapy, on the right meds and looking for a job. She's also been much more supportive of fWS and me. She actually babysat me tonight while fWS was at the hospital on call.


Me: BS 44
Her: fWS 47 (same sex partner)
Together: 17 now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
nightfalls
New Member
Member # 36609
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, September 27th (Thursday)

2 months out from DDay when I told my wife (sevensisterhood) about my 2-year EA w/ ONS in the middle of it. She's not doing well (as you can see from her posts here on SI) and I'm failing badly at helping her, to my own horror. But that's a topic for another forum.

To this question:

Obviously I've been thinking a lot about my FOO since DDay, and what it might have had to do with my behavior.

My father (82) came out as gay/bi about 6 years ago, and although I don't have the whole story yet, it seems pretty clear he had extramarital relationships with men for years during my parent's marriage. I never spoke about it with my mother; my father said I couldn't, because he and she had agreed actually to never tell the kids (he told me and my brother; not sure my sister knows, even now).

My father claims that he and my mother had an agreement about this, and has implied that she had relationships outside of the marriage as well. I don't know. What I do know is that the end of her life was tragically sad... she was clearly deeply depressed, addicted to sleeping pills and painkillers (that my dad would go to Canada to get since they're prescription here in the US), homebound, barely ate, and basically starved herself to death, with my father just watching.

I cannot believe that his inability to care for her, and her basically slow suicide, weren't related somehow to his As.

And all this coincides very closely with when I shut down from my marriage and began emotionally abusing my wife. And, eventually, my A and the horrific pain I have caused her.


Me - WH: 49, married 23 years, 25 yr rel'ship. 2-year EA (texting, phone) with one-night-stand PA (1 OW)
Her - BW: 53. (sevensisterhood)
DDay 8/4/2012.
DD: 20, thankfully out of the country this year

Posts: 22 | Registered: Aug 2012
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, October 4th (Thursday)

That is incredibly traumatic.

I'm so sorry for your mom's pain..and for yours.


Posts: 3082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
wanttounderstand
New Member
Member # 33819
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

I haven't been here in a long time and have been working on my issues. I have posted an update on my profile for anyone interested. I am also posting this in Wayward.
I am grateful for the members of SI who gave me such a wonderful response when I came here two years ago. I took their advice to heart and have finally had a significant break through as to why I was unfaithful.

For that I will be forever grateful to this site.

Wishing everyone a wonderful 2014 with much healing and happiness to all.

WTU


WW (me)
Marriage 1978-2005
Affair 12/81-11/82
My husband knew but never confronted me. I never confessed. We NEVER talked about it. My husband died in 2005. I am trying to understand why I did it. My story is posted in my Profile and I has been u

Posts: 46 | Registered: Nov 2011
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, January 10th (Friday)

yearsofpain25...and counting.

Sounds dramatic when I typed it out for my user. It's not meant to be. It's a simple statement. A matter of fact.

My first and maybe only post. I've been skulking around this website since I found it this past Nov. In a way I've become obsessed with with this site. Reading other's peoples stories and searching for answers. Some of which I already know others I know I will never have. My story is not like most of the stories on here. My wife has never cheated and I have never cheated. At this point in time my relationship with my wife is probably the best it's ever been. If there ever was a moment of infidelity between us (on either part) , I know I would not be able to live through it. My heart goes out to everyone here. Especially for those with children as I'm one of those. My soul goes out to them.

I'm a survivor of my mother's A(s) and her lack of remorse. The A has had such a dramatic impact on my life that even after 25 years the damage is still unbelievable. It's like watching a tragic movie that doesn't seem to be about me.

If interested from a child's view of infidelity and if you could look 25 years into their future, you might find SOME of me in them. This is not a typical story in some ways and it other ways it is. Everyone is effected by the A's differently. I'm a typical generation x guy in some ways. I have a tendency to be stubborn and a bit old fashioned in that I will never seek IC. I prefer the "old school" method of internalizing everything and no way in hell am I going to talk about my feelings. That's what I have been doing for the past 25 years until now. My wife wants me to go to IC. I showed her this web site and told her I would feel more comfortable here. I've been building up the courage for weeks now and I'm shaking while I type this out.

DDay was March of 1989. I was 16 years old and walked home from school early skipping my last class. I called a buddy who wasn't in school from the kitchen phone and was doodling on a piece of paper while talking to him. Not thinking anything of it while I was having this phone conversation, I opened up to the middle of a book I had never seen before on the table in front of me. Since I was more engaged in the conversation I was having, it took a few paragraphs to realize that I was reading my mothers diary and the content was pornographic. Really f#$%ing dirty and none of it was about my dad. It was all about the Om. Stuff no kid should ever here about.

Even now my mind races when I start to remember DDay. To quickly sum up the chain of events that transpired for me: called my grandfather to get my younger brother out of house when he got home from school, called my father at work to tell him that I needed to talk to him and that I would be home at 5:00, grabbed the diary and had a friend get me out of the house before my mom came home from where ever she was. I knew she had to leave for work by 4 and would be coming home soon to get ready.

While waiting for my friend to come pick me up, I made the mistake of reading a great deal of that diary. Probably more than half of it. I wish I hadn't but I couldn't help myself. I was about to do the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life. Even to this day it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I was arming myself for the sit down I was about to have with my father. I was the one who had to tell him about mom's A.

I told him that mom was having an affair with an Om. He got really cautious and wanted to know how I could know such a thing. I told him I had read a PAGE of mom's diary. He asked me where it was (I had hid it in the garage when I got home) and he wanted me to give it to him so he could see for himself. After the sex acts that my mother had described and her thoughts to go with them I really didn't want to give it to him. But with the look he gave me I knew there was no arguing with him. I got it and handed it to him. He has a partially photographic memory and almost as fast as you can turn a page he read that book from cover to cover. To this day I'm fairly certain he could recite it back word for word if he wanted to.

Wow this next part is really hard for me to write. The look that he had on his face when he was done reading was a look I have never seen on another human being before or since. There are no words for it. Even pain seems light. That look has been burned into my brain forever and is actually the hardest part for me of this entire god forsaken mess. After what seemed like an eternity he went to the garage where he would smoke. That look.

I gave him a few minutes and then went to check on him. That look was gone and was replaced by something else completely. RAGE!! I know he didn't want me to see him and he kept asking me to leave as he stood there with my baseball bat in one hand and his car keys in the other. Even at the age of 16 I knew I couldn't leave him there like that because I knew another situation of some sort would probably go down. He kept asking me in a firm voice to leave. The voice didn't have anger or hurt in it. He was firm and as a matter of fact. After what was an eternity (maybe 20 min?), he put the bat down and put his keys on the washer machine as if silently to say he wasn't going to go anywhere. I left him there and went to my bedroom which was right above the garage. Looking back on it now, symbolically when I left him there, I left whatever used to be my dad there as well. I would never see the same man again that was there prior to my dropping a nuke.

My brother came home and my dad asked him to go to his room while he continued to wait in the garage for my mom. My grandfather (my mother's father) who was dropping him off wanted to know what was going on. My dad politely and firmly in so many words asked him to leave as it was a family matter. He left. I loved and still love my grandfather to this day. He was one of the most kindest, gentlest people I have ever known. How my mother came from him I do not know.

My mom came home from work and the confrontation began. My dad was still sitting in the garage smoking waiting for her with the garage door up. This is March and in a very cold part of the country so he must have been freezing after hours out there. As soon as my mom got out of her car and walked towards the garage my dad started screaming expletives so loud that I couldn't make them out. He slammed the garage door down so hard that it bounced all the way back up and open and that door was heavy. My mom almost immediately began to wail and ran into the house for cover. I could hear her wailing in the kitchen. I went across the hall into my brothers room (just turned 13 years old) and explained to him not to worry in so many words. That mom and dad are going to have a lot of issues to work through. I remember him being very worried and wanting to know what was going on but I didn't give him any of the details. Ever. Zero. I had to explain that we were going to have to lie low and ride out whatever storm was to come.

After what I remember to be about an hour of my mother wailing in the kitchen my dad came in. No yelling. I could hear my mother calm down to a sobbing level but I could not make out what they were saying. As I was almost in bed, my mother came up into my room and the first thing out of her mouth is why I didn't come to her first? I said nothing. The next question was how much of it did I read? I said about 1 page. I lied to cover up that I should have known not to read my mothers diary. Then she stated that she was sorry and asked if I could forgive her. To which I said "sure". Went to bed and didn't sleep a wink

The conversation with my dad that day and the even smaller one in my bedroom with my mother was the most I had ever talked to them about the A. After that conversation with my mother I checked out. I didn't want to overstep my bounds with whatever my parents were working through and quite frankly I wanted to stick my head in the sand. Seeing that look on my father's face, the gory details of her affair that I had read, and the fact that my mother seemed angry with me that I didn't come to her when I found out stuck with me. She lost me as a son that day. I never looked at her the same again. Especially as a parent. The thing that I hate the most about that day is that I was the one that got to see that look . Not her. All she saw was the anger. Looking back on it now, I believe that was the true nail in the coffin of their marriage and she never got to see it. I took the bullet on that one. With all of the dirty details in that book I wanted to say to her that with every one of the Om's thrusts up into her was another nail in the coffin of their marriage. I would never say it to her but the thought has crossed my mind more than once.

At 16 I certainly knew right from wrong. Why didn't she? How could I possibly go to her first because she lost my trust completely the moment she had the A. I won't go into all the details as they are brutal and I don't want to go there, but as one of the things I read to show you how ill she was, or as some people call it here "in the fog", there is one passage in that book that stuck out to me. I'm paraphrasing here:

"Om says that I'm such a good f and so good at giving h that I should teach my kids how be great lovers."

Trust me there was a lot more to go with that. My parents believed I had only read a small passage in her diary. They had no idea how MUCH I really knew. I was "checking out" and detaching myself from my family so there was no way I was going to tell them. In fact, I subconsciously began to hide from them. I'm good. I'm fine. There is nothing to see here. Please go away and I'll be at home as little as possible. And so began me burying it all inside me and not dealing with it. Some of the other things I read in that book were that my aunt (my mom's sister) was an enabler. My mom would sometimes carry out her A at my aunts house as my cousins were all gown up or away at college. In fact, my mom and aunt would sometimes go out on dates together with their boyfriends (my aunt had been divorced for a long time (not due to an A). Same with many of their mutual friends. Those "friends" had even introduced my mom to Om and they carried out their A at their "friends" houses as well. I knew from her diary first hand where the allegiances were. But who cares. I'm checking out.

Looking back as the days and weeks went on post DDay, I realize now how narcissistic my mother has been her entire life. My mom began IC and started to blame the A on depression. She began meds and treatment and still has to do both to this day. I will NEVER accept depression as an excuse for what she did. Shes's clearly sick and mentally ill, but find it impossible to understand someone's inability to choose right from wrong but more so to a family that they supposedly loved. A mistake, sure. Someone can make a mistake and a mistake is something you apologize for. What she was doing had clearly been going on for a while. Not exactly sure how long but clearly a long time. That's not a mistake. That's deliberate. She not only cheated on my father, but us as a family. She poisoned us and made the family sick. This gets worse over the years post DDay but I'll get to that in a bit.

Last I saw the diary it was in the garage with my father on DDay. I have no idea where it disappeared to. Good riddance. The rest of what I heard is from my mother's own mouth. She was so wrapped up in her own bs that she failed to realize that my brother and I were in the same house as her let alone in the same room. We would walk in the door from school or where ever and she would either be on the phone in the kitchen or upstairs in her bedroom with the door open. She would be talking with my aunt, her "friends" or possibly even the Om for all I knew. I already knew most of the details so I wouldn't really listen. But I definitely remember her talking smack about my dad. All sorts of horrible lies. How wonderful Om was blah blah blah. She clearly didn't love us, her family. Now that all this was out in the open, she was hell bent talking about it to whomever was in ear shot. I remember her saying on one of those calls that she was done with all the lies and cover up and she was going to talk about it to get it out in the open with everyone. She had no idea that I was standing right behind her. Or maybe she did. I didn't care because I was "checking out". She lost me on DDay anyway.

Just a quick word here to all the WSs out there. As a child it's hard NOT know what is going on when you live in a house with someone. It doesn't matter how careful you think you are being. I know my mother is a narcissist and it's all about her all the time. But whether it's a diary, a journal, emails, texts, phone calls, whatever.... No matter how careful you think you're being you probably aren't being careful enough. My mother didn't leave that diary out deliberately to get caught. I know that now and I will get to more of that later. As a WS you have to be honest with your kids and then shield them from as much of the details as you can. And even then it's probably not enough. Case in point, my brother. Kids have a way of finding things out when curiosity steps in.

A few months post DDay, my brother came to me and asked me 2 questions. First was he wanted to know if it was true that I had read our mother's diary. I said yes. Next question he asked me was if it was true that there were "others"? That was the first I heard that and told him as much. He walked away and I didn't pursue where he heard that. I was done. I had checked out already. Clearly he had done some snooping of his own and was now clued into what was going on. He could have been listening into any number of conversations. I'm fairly certain it wasn't my dad who tipped him off. My dad was now "checking out" as well. He was no longer the same person and was always preoccupied with something. I'm pretty sure I could guess what. He was a happy go lucky guy. He whistled while he did things, made jokes all the time, etc. I never saw that side of him again post DDay. Even 25 years later. But hey, whatever. I'm not in this family any more. I'm out. Detached. He never mentioned a word about the A back then. It wasn't until about 5 years later that he brought it up.

I'm sure my mom thought everything was fine with them going forwards. She and my dad were working it out. At one point they were having sex almost every night and were very vocal about it. Overcompensating? Probably. Even most of my friends heard their vocal sex my senior year of high school when they would come to pick me up or we would go to my room to get something. I didn't care what my friends heard. I was there to eat, sleep, and go to school while my parents were absorbed in what was going on between them. This is how life in that house went on for the next couple of years. I began college, my brother began high school, and then it happened.

Remember that poison was in the water. I was checked out, I'm pretty sure my dad was checked out, and my mother was self absorbed. I need to be clear. This next part I do not blame on the A. I blame this more on myself for checking out and how my family was sick. We were no longer a family that I could see and we were all wrapped up in our own world. Oct 1994 after a few years of blah, my brother committed suicide. I'll spare the details on that one as that's another story for another website someday. I don't think any of us saw that coming. I've blamed myself a lot over the years because I had checked out. My dad had checked out. My mother, whatever... And of course my brother went out as mad as hell and it was controversial. No nothing like taking other people out or anything stupid like that. But it certainly grabbed the media's attention and next thing we had media camped out on our front lawn. Thank God social media and the internet had not been invented yet. But now throw that incident and the fact that we have to watch it on tv, whatever was left of my parent's relationship was obliterated. And if it's possible I checked out even further. That house we were living in was a wasteland.

After that my parents were done with whatever R was still trying to go on. Let me rephrase, my dad was done and my mom was too wrapped up in a new set of issues with the one's she already had to notice that my dad was done. I've been able to see it since DDay. Why can't she see it? Oh right, she never saw the look of complete and utter devastation. I did.

Make another long story short my dad went for the first woman who threw herself at him. His secretary who's a complete nightmare in her own right. Sicker than my mother actually. She once tried to stab him with a butcher's knife but again a story for another time. Feb 1995 he came to me to have a heart to heart. He told me he had been seeing another woman for a few months and that he was leaving my mother. He was filing for a separation and was going to work on a D. I told him that I honestly don't know how he stuck around as long as he did. To which his response was that he only did it for my brother and I. He was planning on leaving once my brother had graduated high school but now that he was gone he didn't see the point anymore. He felt the need to purge his soul about his life. He had a lot to say, but he never once spoke of the A. He never once spoke ill of my mother. Ever. He asked one thing of me that day that he left her. He said that someday I would probably have a family of my own and would come to a realization of what she had done. He said to please have mercy on her and to treat her well and with respect since she was my mother. He was right. I do realize every time I look at my kids. I've tried to have mercy. The only way I know how to do that is to try and speak to her as little as possible. I forgave her a long time ago, but she makes it awfully hard hard to forget. She still talks about the A which is why I ended up here. More of that later.

The next part of my life was dealing (or not dealing) with her and the D. Same thing with the phone as before. Bad mouthing my father, packs of lies, whatever. Here was an interesting point that I heard. I once heard her say that my father had been telling her he was impudent for the last couple of months. Since he told her he was leaving for an Ow, she realized that he was lying to her so that he could be faithful to his girlfriend. Ouch. That had to have hurt. But good for you for being faithful dad. Whatever. Who cares. My mom kept trying to throw me into the divorce and spoke ill of my father every chance she could further driving the wedge between me and her. At one point it was a constant obsession for her. I remember her stating that she was really pissed that he had even cut out their mutual "friends". I can't believe that she didn't see that he probably cut them out for 2 reasons. They could communicate back to her what he was up to and he was still probably pissed for letting her screw Om at their houses. And that they knew about Om and didn't tell him. C'mon mom. Really?!? My dad took the high road with me. Never spoke about the D. Never spoke about my mother at all to me for that matter. Occasionally over the years he would ask how she was doing but that was it. He would also say that he never wished her any ill will.

As soon as I was done with college I moved to another state to start my life over. I didn't party all that much in college as I went to school full time, worked full time, played in rock bands full time, and lived with my girlfriend. My only release was to play in bands and have as much sex with my girlfriend as possible to fill some sort of void in me...I think. I pulled 16 all nighters studying in my last semester in college to show how much I was burning the candle at both ends. I didn't even stick around for my graduation. Day after my final exam I moved away, had an interview the following day, and then started working in a large busy restaurant in a major city 2 days later. I had left my old home behind and didn't want to look back. That's when I numbed myself for almost 3 years and partied hard with alcohol. Rode my bike back and forth to work everyday (no driving since I was drunk all the time). I had the degree in my pocket. It was time to detach some more.

Did I mention that moving away made my mother attempt suicide? Yep, emergency trip back to old home to deal with that situation. But f#$% it. I didn't care. I wanted to get back to my new life so I could drink and have fun! I was young and in my 20's. I was living the life. I was a good boy all through the process at my old home and I had earned the right to completely obliterate myself. I felt nothing for the next 3 years. Well almost nothing. Oddly enough I did have a bright spot. I met and fell in love with my future wife while working at said restaurant. First day I met her I was so green because I had blacked out from drinking just a few hours before I started my 10am shift. Needless to say I didn't make a very good first impression. How I tricked her into falling in love with me in the long run I will never know.

I once heard that when someone close to you passes away, they leave you with a gift. I believe that has happened to me when my brother died. When I try and focus hard enough, I can detach from myself and take an objective look. A couple months after my brother died I remember sitting on my bedroom floor taking a look at myself and I didn't like what I saw. Not only had I detached from everything, which I was ok with and needed to be detached, but I also became a very negative person. You know that guy where every day is the worst day in their life? Yep, that was me. I made a conscious decision that I was going to cut that out and actually said out loud that "I'm going to be alright". I had all sorts of hard drugs around me and briefly wanted to go that route before I graduated college. But after that conversation with myself I focused on the prize of graduating and getting the hell out of there. I had to stop the dark cloud from following me. It's something that I've had to struggle with my entire life since DDay. I still blame myself for most things, but I've had to force myself to have a positive attitude so that I don't sink into an abyss. I will always struggle with this but I'm at least self aware. I struggle with confidence as well since it's always my fault.

Next time I took a look at myself was in my late 20's and I had this amazing woman that I was with. I knew I wanted to marry her and I knew what I had. Now having trust issues with women since DDay, for some reason I never had a trust issue with this woman. I let her in and have never regretted it for a second. I love and trust her completely. I cleaned myself up, stopped obliterating myself with booze, got a career job, and asked her to marry me. We've been married for 13 years and together for 15. We have 3 kids that mean more to me than life itself (ages 9, 8, and 3). My dad was right though. I do have a family of my own and when I look at my kids, I think how could she do that? I guess that my brother and I never really mattered all that much and were never a factor to her in the A. I think if people realized that the A has a direct impact on the entire family and not just the spouse there might be a lot less affairs. But then again, probably not not.

To this day I have serious issues with my mother. I can hardly be around her. I never say anything to her about any of it. I like to think that I'm above it and I did forgive her. But my anger always simmers at the surface whenever she's around. There is just too much damage even 25 years later. What brought me to this web site is that this past Oct 2013 I had a trip back to visit my dad and I took my mom out for breakfast on one of the mornings I was there. During which she got all teary eyed and said that Om had died recently of leukemia. Really?!? I didn't say a word. My insides wanted to scream "GOOD!!!! I HOPE HE DIED A LONG SLOW PAINFUL DEATH THAT MOTHER F@#$ER!!!!" Instead I said nothing. She starts talking about how the Om would never leave his wife , blah, blah, blah. Here I am 40 years old and after 25 years of this shit what's the point? A lot of the stuff I have read on line says that I should confront her and talk about it. Again, what's the point? She will just twist it and make it all about her. She always does that with any sort of confrontation or anything at all really. Or maybe she would attempt suicide again. The problem at this point I can clearly see is her. And the older I get the less patience I have for it. I'm sure it will come to a head someday but I'm trying to repress myself so that doesn't happen.

Instead here I am right now writing to this site. But after that breakfast this past Oct, I'm as mad as hell right now. She visited us for a week at Christmas. While I want her to be a part of her grand kids lives, I realize I have nothing but animosity for her. I hardly said a word to her the entire week. Nothing beyond how's the weather type conversation. But since she has the gift of gab, that 's all I need to let her do is talk. It's been that way for 25 years. Just let her talk and ignore her. I guess that's how it's going to be. She's going to be 70 in April. When I look at her now I think how can this little old frail lady have caused so much damage and pain. She never was remorseful about any of it. Not really. I heard those conversations back when. I saw the tears in her eyes when talking about Om recently. If she was remorseful she wouldn't still be bringing it up. FUCK HER!!!

Which reminds me...I remember when I was 15 and in the time frame this A was going on. Some strange guy would call the house all the time and ask for her. I'm sure it was her KISA. She would jump up and say oh it must be the UPS guy. C'mon!! Really?!? WTF!!! What UPS guy calls the house and then your on the phone with him for a great length of time. At the time I had no idea what that was about but I do now. So many of those details of the A will pop back into my head when I least expect them too. Remember that your kids probably know a lot more than you think they do or that you may want them to. Be direct with them. Engage them if you can. Give them any answer they want without the gross details. Honesty will count the most in the long run. They will realize and understand things as they get older. As I did. I wish I didn't have those gory details but I do. Speaking of which I confessed to my dad that I do have those details. I think that confession crushed him.

On New Years day a few short weeks ago I called him to check in and wish him a Happy New Year. Make a long story short he started to ask questions about my mother. As a result, we actually had a conversation about the A. I told him that mom said the Om was dead. He was sorry to hear it (yeah right). I told him what I really thought of the Om and that I was happy that he was dead. I confessed that I had read a lot more of the diary than I had lead on. That I knew many of the details. And that I had heard my mother talking on the phone about the whole thing almost daily. My dad said that the Om was married and that his wife knew about the A. Apparently my mom wasn't the only one. But Om's wife stuck her head in the sand since Om was wealthy and powerful. His wife had a marriage of convenience for herself. I told him I remembered about the conversation we had had 20 years ago about taking it easy on my mother. He told me that the problem wasn't us. That it was her. No one could ever make her happy and at this point it's not for us to do so. Until she makes herself happy no one else ever will. I asked him about the "others" and he wanted to know where I had heard that. No way I could tell him that I heard it from my brother. I suspect this conversation was already killing him. He confirmed that there were other affairs that she had but refused to elaborate any more than that on any of it.

A note on my aunt. She passed away from breast cancer a few years back. I went to see her before she died. I couldn't bring myself to go to her funeral though. My wife got sick when she was pregnant with our 2nd and I used that as the excuse. I jumped at that excuse. I couldn't forget that my aunt was an enabler for my mom's mess and that she let Om screw my mom at her place and went out on double dates with them. Her allegiance was to my mother. Not the rest of my family.

There are so many more facets to how all of this had a major impact on me. Trust issues, anger issues, confidence issues, having a voracious sexual appetite to fill a void (but I've NEVER cheated on anyone in my life. a fact that I'm proud of, so thanks for that mom, I will NEVER be like you), blaming myself, etc etc etc blah blah blah. Truth is now that I've opened a flood gate I could probably go on for another month but I would bore you all to death. I feel drained and my heart is racing right now. I'm still shaking and have a bad headache. I think I want to throw up. Oh wait, I just did that here on this page!!!

I'm exhausted just getting this out.

I feel for ALL of you on this site!!! Especially where your kids are involved. Many seem to be forgotten in this mess and I feel for them the most. Please keep them in mind when dealing with each other and when discussing the other spouse in front them. Maybe in my next post I will focus on some of the positive that has risen out of the ashes for me. If there is a next post.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 1:57 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
An affair is an emotional, mental, and sometimes physical (STD) assault on the spouse, children, and the family as a whole.

Posts: 578 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Topic Posts: 61