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User Topic: 20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O
katherine41
Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, February 24th (Friday)

I'm now 7 1/2 years post d-day. I first posted this thread five years ago, when I was nearly divorced. I am re-posting because a friend urged me to. Here are my perspectives given 20/20 hindsight. I still believe them, even now.

This applies for the foggy, unremorseful, and cake-eating WS's:

1. Reconciliation is ONLY possible with a WS who is quickly and consistently remorseful.

2. How quickly?

In retrospect, I wish I'd given my foggy WH ONE MONTH and no more. Yes, there are stories on SI of WS's de-fogging months and months later. I read those stories and held out too much hope for my own WS. Some WS's never de-fog. And if they are still gaslighting and justifying over a month later, folks, I'm sorry, but it's not looking hopeful.

3. What do you mean by consistently remorseful?

Some WS's act real sorry in brief spurts. Or they get a dose of de-fogging (usually by an outside source) and promise everything. For a few days. Or sometimes even a week or two.

My hindsight rule of thumb? Before a BS should believe that R is happening, a good solid month of remorse, without lapses of justification and gaslighting, needs to pass. I often leapt at the "opportunity" to R with stbxh on the barest of efforts on his part.

4. I wish I'd not given a damn if I made WS angry.

I ran around after d-day scared of making stbxh angry at me. Scared that he'd leave me. Ya know what? A remorseful WS isn't going to "leave you" just because they caught you snooping at the caller id on the cell phone. But a lying, still-cheating WS surely will bluster and get all up in arms.

5. Define your minimum standards and stick to them sooner rather than later.

Minimum standards? These are the MUST-HAVES for your marriage to continue. YOUR must-haves. Think hard. We BS's will have a lot of wants. Pare away the wants. Get down to the core. If these core issues can't be met, the rest is pie-in-the-sky anyway.

My minimums were: NC with OW; firing coverupper; honesty, especially financial, and MC.

My wants were many, including apologizing to my parents, curtailing "guys' nights" out, getting rid of some loser friends, more intertwined activities, . . . and so on. I found my core by working really hard and honestly, "If he doesn't do XXX am I willing to stay married?" The "wants" would have made my marriage a helluva lot better, but I was truthfully willing to stay with much less.

I needed my "minimum standards" because I twisted in the wind so much. When I finally defined my minimum, well, it was a lot easier to gauge when stbxh was bullshitting.

For example, stbxh offered to move to a new town and "start over." Sounds great, right? But when I said, "yes, but first you have to fire coverupper," he wouldn't do it. He wanted to take me on vacations. "Yes, but come to MC this week." He wouldn't do it. Or the times he wanted to move home. "First send all the bills to our home address and give me your passwords." [The honesty issue]. He wouldn't do it.

6. Never reveal your sources

Listen to me. Never reveal your sources. An unremorseful or foggy WS will lie to the bitter end. They will swear on their children, their parents, on the Bible, etc. Just believe in yourself and your evidence. If you are confronting the WS, don't reveal the way you got your info. If they lie, just keep repeating, "You are lying and I know it."

7. Gather up your army

You are at war for your marriage. Don't namby-pamby around. Depressed? Get anti-depressants sooner than later. Not sleeping? Get sleeping aids sooner than later. Hell, yes, go shopping and update your look (men and women). Get to IC. Vent away here. Out the OP to their spouse, their job, their friends.

8. The strategy

Given the above, I wish I had done the 180 for two months and no more. In month one, I wish I had defined my cores. I wish I had not reasoned, argued, pleaded. I wish I had just done the 180 for that time. Each time I failed, I wish I'd dusted myself off and plugged away at it again.

Then, if WS had not de-fogged or was breaking NC with OP after two months, I wish I had proceeded to . . .

9. NC

No contact for months three and four. I wish I hadn't called him to cry. To hear his voice. To get my fix. To check up on him. I wish I had stuck to e-mail about the kids and finances ONLY. If this didn't de-fog WS, by month four or five, I should have:

10. Finalized divorce preparations, maintaining NC.

By getting finances and paperwork in order. Retained a lawyer.

11. By month six, if the WS was still in the A, still breaking NC, still not remorseful. . . well, it's just my opinion that their actions are screaming volumes. They aren't gonna change.

so

12. File

File for separation or divorce. And let your lawyer play hard and fast. Don't interrupt the process. Don't be scared of making the WS mad. Please, he or she has been cheating on you. I don't know one of us down in separaton and divorce whose WS "did right" by us in the divorce.

Yes, it is possible to R, even after a divorce. Is the divorce making them de-fog? Don't stop the process, but refer them to your core issues. Hell, my stbxh has asked to R with me right up to this day. But you know what? He has NEVER done the four things all at once.

Comments? Fire away.


Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, February 25th (Saturday)

katherine41, I'd just like to thank you for this post, I believe it is one of the most important ones for newbies to read, especially if they are dealing with an angry, remorseless WS, who can't see the light.

I have directed others to your post many many times, again thanks



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
chocolatte
New Member
Member # 34744
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, February 25th (Saturday)

I don't like reading it, but I agree with it, somewhere in my gut. I'm only 2 months from D-Day but have done a full 180 consistently from day one. I have moved home with my son (and am pregnant) with my parents, I communicate only about my son and finances. I have seen a lawyer etc.

WH is still with the OW. He is more than happy to have two, three hour visits a week with our son (and that is all). He is mostly concerned with how much stuff/money I want from him... not about how I am doing, coping with being pregnant, or looking after our son :(

All in all, I don't think he'll ever de-fog. I don't see R ever being realistic. Even the chinks in his armour (he won't stay in our marital home, even though I've left, because he feels 'weird' about it) just seem like more avoidance behaviour, and refusal to face reality.

I think the part I really agree with on some gut level, is that if he was going to ever stand a chance of getting remorseful in a way that would have saved our marriage... he would have started by now. And I *know* it's only been 10 weeks. But they have been the longest weeks of my life, and seen my whole family ripped apart. So, I'm gonna try and stick to my own plans now... and get on with preparing to file. Probably after baby arrives, in 5 months time or so. Sad, but right now it seems inevitable :(


Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2012
Gipper
Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, February 25th (Saturday)

Chocolatte,
I am sorry that you find yourself here. Your H sounds like he is in permanent fog. At least you did not waste months or years begging and pleading for him to stay. Even while pregnant, your strength from Day 1 is amazing to those of us who stumbled around blindly until we found SI.

Posts: 720 | Registered: May 2011
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, February 25th (Saturday)

Katherine, I am 7 ½ years out too and I whole-heartedly agree with all your points. I wish I had known about the 180 and that the newbies here would believe us veterans when we tell them about it.

Thank you for reposting this. Well said!

[This message edited by Pippy at 5:17 PM, February 25th (Saturday)]


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, February 26th (Sunday)

Katharine: I remember reading this thread when I first joined. Unfortunately I joined months after DD#1. I kept thinking, I wish I had seen it earlier. Well I might mention after the first DD I did the exact opposite which may be why I have just had DD#2. This could not have come at a better time..thank you a million times. Im not kidding every thing you said, I was ass backwards. Especially the part about trying not to make him mad or he might leave it makes me sick how mamby pamby I was, oh luv me please please, ugh!!
This is one of the best posts. Hope your life is going fabulous and thanks for thinking of us still struggling. Its always nice to see someone make it out of the pit. Peace

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:53 AM, February 26th (Sunday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Broken1Again
Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, February 27th (Monday)

BUmp


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 883 | Registered: May 2011
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, February 27th (Monday)

Spot on list Katherine!!!


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9822 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
brokeninfl
Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, February 28th (Tuesday)

One of the best posts - ever.

at 3 1/2 years from DD - I couldn't agree more.

I didn't follow it - but I sure wish I had. Same journey -- WAY shorter, and less painful.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
sandy78
Member
Member # 34958
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, February 29th (Wednesday)

I'm so glad to be reading this now when I'm right at the beginning of it all - thank you.


Me: 34
WH: 35
DS: Born 11/2011
D-Day: 2/26/2012
Divorcing...

If someone wants to be with you, there's nothing you can do to make them go. If someone doesn't want to be with you, there's nothing you can do to make them stay.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Feb 2012
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, February 29th (Wednesday)

I am also 7 1/2 years out.
And sucessfully R'd.

The one thing we oldies try and try to impress on the newbies;

5. Define your minimum standards and stick to them sooner rather than later.

Minimum standards? These are the MUST-HAVES for your marriage to continue. YOUR must-haves. Think hard. We BS's will have a lot of wants. Pare away the wants. Get down to the core. If these core issues can't be met, the rest is pie-in-the-sky anyway.


.

Think of this as a chess game, war has been declared on your marriage and your WS is going to try and scoot around as many of your demands as possible.

You WANT access to passwords, you GET passwords, or you hefty bag his/her crap to the porch.

Stick to your guns and don't back down to what it is you need.

[This message edited by Lucky at 5:19 PM, February 29th (Wednesday)]


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, March 7th (Wednesday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
leakingheart85
Member
Member # 9710
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, March 7th (Wednesday)

I found out in February of 1985. Twenty seven years ago.
Factoring in the long unhappy life of our marriage to date--what I regret not doing was to throw her out that night and divorce her the next day.

Read my profile and find out why.

She had a revolving door between her legs.


Posts: 463 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: Caribbean
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, March 10th (Saturday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, March 10th (Saturday)

katherine41: You are correct on EVERY point you make. I, too, wish I had read this (and known about SI) right after I discovered the affair. Things might have turned out differently - or not - but one thing for sure, knowing all you wrote and responding accordingly, I would have saved myself and our daughters a great deal of heartache. Every item - and comment - you list is necessary for survival mode.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 528 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, March 10th (Saturday)

this is so true..every last point. i wish i had known about SI and your post. i think we may have been in r a lot sooner. but, i was scared and insecure...and afraid to risk losing him...i regret that so much.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
luvhimso
Member
Member # 7478
Shutup  Posted: 6:36 PM, March 10th (Saturday)

If there were a Like button, I would have hit it several times!

I, too, am over 7 years out from Dday #1. What I have learned is not easy to hear.

1. If they are not consistently remorseful and refuse to stop gaslighting, the A is still on!

2. When you catch them, they go underground. BIG time. It will be harder to be vigilant. And..they will try to make you feel like you are crazy.

3. All too often, this is not the first A. They have gotten away with it before and not been discovered.

4. You are not married to the person you thought you were married to. You have believed you were married to the person you WISH you were married to.

5. You are not prepared for the Journey you are embarking on against your will, but you are going to be fine when you make up your mind to be!

Blessings and strength to my SI brothers and sisters who have yet to discover these truths.


The meaning of life is to make life meaningful.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Jun 2005
courageouscat
Member
Member # 34298
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, March 12th (Monday)

I need to commit this to memory. I am just over 4 months out and your post rings so true! Thank you.


ME - 50 something
WH - 50 something
Kids - 3 boys, Adult, Teen, Teen
Married - 26 years
Together - 29 years
EA 10/11 -12/11; 100% NC 1/18/11

Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Out in the big wide open
sad/madtothebone
Member
Member # 29150
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, March 18th (Sunday)

Bump


Feeling like I will never know the truth. Wondering if I can live without it or will it eat me up in the end?

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: N. TX
OnTilt
Member
Member # 34140
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, March 20th (Tuesday)

Katherine, good post that I need to read over and over.

Sad, thank you for bumping!

Luvhimso, Your list strikes a chord, especially 1 and 3.


BS(Me), WH(Him) in our 50's
Status: I'm giving up on him

Posts: 379 | Registered: Dec 2011
BooBoo!
Member
Member # 33195
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, March 20th (Tuesday)

SPOT ON!!!!!!

Posts: 632 | Registered: Aug 2011
want a new life
Member
Member # 27286
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, March 20th (Tuesday)

I would just like to add a big "AMEN" to this. I'm a little over 2 yrs from DDay. I also did not do this but looking back so wish I had.

I can't over emphasis enough 180, detach & NC!! I know everyone feels their situation is different and I know I did but everyone here has years of life experience and that is a great teacher!!

Best of Luck!!


Me BS - 57
D 6/2010
It's been a long journey but I think I'm finally arriving at my happy place:)


Posts: 233 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: midwest
2_4giving4_2long
Member
Member # 34008
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, March 20th (Tuesday)

I like NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES!!!.. My wh gets totally insane when I can call him out on something...He does the bug-eyes "Who told you this?" Or They're lying" Or, "You are playing games on me." But, they do get smarter at being sneakier. The underground A are the most insane ones. You know it but can't prove it. But in time, they always tell one way or another.

I really did read as much as I could after DDAY, but I was in shock and a lot didn't sink in. Now that I work on my 180, things aren't so bleak afterall.


Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, March 27th (Tuesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, March 30th (Friday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, April 8th (Sunday)

I am a year 1/2 out from divorce and still not even a hint of remorse.

Reading this helps when I get a case of the " what ifs"

I especially like defining your "must haves"- that was a lifesaver


Posts: 317 | Registered: Feb 2011
Stillhurt123
Member
Member # 35216
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, April 8th (Sunday)

This is fantastic. Thank you for posting...

Can someone tell me - what is gaslighting?

My husband went underground (or at least I think he did)...He tells me there is NC, he sent the text and I don't have evidence, but just a feeling.

I have a few ways of fiding out next week I will put them into play. I am right now not able to put anything on him, to my face he is remourseful, a great dad, great H, present, all the things I want...but there is just something...I can't put my finger on it, but it will come.

The fact that he hasn't given me all his passwords and still gets upset if he finds me 'spying' is my first clue. But, like I said I will know for sure in a few days.

But you posting this helps me so much - it has been since December that I found out and every time he tells me - I choose you, I"m sorry I messed up and was having trouble getting out of this. However, I know for 100% certain I am at the end of my rope. If I catch him even once in contact in any way, I have a plan to move the kids and I out (he would never leave)...I have been nothing but wonderful to him since we started R (if it's really R), so I will have no regrets.

Thanks for posting this at such a perfect time.


Married for 10 yrs, together 15
Me, BW - 37
Him, fWH- 40
3 kids
D-Day; Dec 13, 2011, TT and lies and lies and lies and lies
Back in R

Posts: 403 | Registered: Apr 2012
Stillhurt123
Member
Member # 35216
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, April 8th (Sunday)

Just to clarify:

My husband went underground (or at least I think he did)...He tells me there is NC, he sent the text and I don't have evidence, but just a feeling.


CH did send the NC, that I know, but I think he's still talking to OW...THAT is what I can't find evidence of...but I will find it if it's happening...just a matter of time


Married for 10 yrs, together 15
Me, BW - 37
Him, fWH- 40
3 kids
D-Day; Dec 13, 2011, TT and lies and lies and lies and lies
Back in R

Posts: 403 | Registered: Apr 2012
Fractured.Us
Member
Member # 35085
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 8th (Sunday)

I sooooo wish I had known about this site when dd1 happened. I did everything wrong. I only got here 6months out from dd2, and somehow I got many thing s right second time around.

Thank you for the list. :)


Married 21

This was not how it was supposed to end.


Posts: 338 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: USA
Magda08
New Member
Member # 35211
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 8th (Sunday)

BUMP

Posts: 44 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: US
StoryHour
Member
Member # 19725
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, April 8th (Sunday)

I wish I had just left. I should have gone with my gut instinct and put him on the street that day. No reconciliation. It was just a total waste of nearly three years of my life. I could have used that time to rebuild.

Listen to your gut.


3 Strikes you're out pal!
D. 8-10


Posts: 2034 | Registered: May 2008
ineedtoleave
Member
Member # 29332
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, April 8th (Sunday)

(((Leakinheart85)))... your profile KILLS me inside.


BS(me)-52
WH-59
OW-43(married ex-Co-worker)
Married 6 yrs
DD#1: 3/19/10
DD#2: 5/11/10
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Posts: 963 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Arizona
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, April 14th (Saturday)

Bumping for newcomers to SI


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, April 18th (Wednesday)

Ditto


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
traditoperanni
Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, April 18th (Wednesday)

Katherine 41- thank you!
Great post and so true.
Definitely will print this out for future reference.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 430 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
traildad
Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, April 18th (Wednesday)

This is so helpful and true. I am about 5 months out from d-day and just discovered this site about 3 weeks ago. Man I wish I had this 5 months ago. I am still struggling and stumbling as I come out of the BS fog, but this site and the veterans on here have helped me tremendously.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, May 1st (Tuesday)

bump


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
doep
New Member
Member # 33837
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, May 1st (Tuesday)

Thanks for this post. It helps to hear from someone who has experienced and survived.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: doep
Nightfall
Member
Member # 34954
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday)

This is great, thank you.


me-BS 28
him-fWS 38
Together: 8 years Married: 4 years
D Day 1: June 2007 First A
D Day 2: July 2011 LTA of 2 years
In R

Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2012
want a new life
Member
Member # 27286
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 4th (Friday)

I just wanted to say that I thought my XH would be different and he would eventually see the light. Well guess what......it never happened. The good people here on SI never steered me wrong. Believe me I know it's incredibly hard but listen to the ones who have traveled this path!!


Me BS - 57
D 6/2010
It's been a long journey but I think I'm finally arriving at my happy place:)


Posts: 233 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: midwest
katherine41
Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, May 9th (Wednesday)

bumping.


Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, May 24th (Thursday)

Bumping for newcomers to SI


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, May 24th (Thursday)

Lather up in Self-Care.

Posts: 4725 | Registered: Dec 2009
SuspiciousWife
Member
Member # 18108
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 1st (Friday)

Bumping again.


Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

Posts: 557 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: East Coast
roseguide
Member
Member # 35697
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, June 2nd (Saturday)

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
I've only just read this post but I'm going to go ahead and call it life changing for me. It's only been 4 days since D-day but this has set me on the right path. WH does not want reconciliation he wants to be with OW. In a way that's a good thing because I don't have to continue with the lies. After reading this post I signed up for attorney consultations.
Can some one tell me what a "bump" and "180" are?


In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of the things not meant for you. – Buddhist saying

Posts: 209 | Registered: May 2012 | From: New Jersey
lost2atranny
Member
Member # 35664
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, June 2nd (Saturday)

thank you for sharing your wisdom. I'm trying hard but as a newbie... its scary. I know this is a post ill have to just read over and over again.


Married for 3 1/2 years
Me - 28
EX - 29
2 little girls ( 2 and 3 years old)
Found out Oct 21 2011 and tried to reconcile
Found out again in May 2012 - this time I don't think I can do it.
DEC 2012 - LEFT AND NEVER LOOKED BACK!

Posts: 87 | Registered: May 2012
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 2nd (Saturday)

So glad this 20/20 helped you (it sure helped me!).
"Bump" is just a way to get a particular post to go to the top of the postings. You could write anything after clicking on the "Reply to this post' thingy at the bottom of any topic, and that would indeed move it to the top.
The 180 is a brilliant set of instructions/suggestions of how to turn the focus OFF the WS and onto your own healing/recovery. It can be found in the Healing Library under BS FAQ, in fact it's # 11 on the list of FAQs.
So grateful for SI ...


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, June 3rd (Sunday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5149 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, June 3rd (Sunday)

My husband tried to come back home a month after d-day, but when I told him only with Marriage Counseling, he said no.... I told him I want it all! I want a great TOTAL marriage, not a fake one.

This is not too much to ask!


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2328 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, June 3rd (Sunday)

Also, to those of you with new babies/or pregnant I want to tell you this: When I was pregnant my husband was at topless bars and flirted with women in front of me. I stayed because I wanted my children to grow up in a family. Reality is if I would have followed my gut back then, insisted on Marriage Counseling, we might have had a different life. Even if we had separated/divorced, they would have grown up visiting their dad on weekends and it would not be as traumatic as it is now for them. 14 & 11.
I realize now, he never changed who he was, I stopped seeing what I didn't want to see.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:50 PM, June 3rd (Sunday)]


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2328 | Registered: Jan 2012
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)

Bumping for newcomers to JFO


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 14th (Thursday)

Thank you for this. I will be re-reading it, and the 180 thread, a lot.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5100 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)

Yet another bump ...


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
crushedheart09
Member
Member # 28573
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)

I wish I had found this when I joined SI, would have saved me a lot of mistakes as well.

It should be required reading right after you pick your password or in the Library for sure.

Just great advise!!!!!


M 28 years
D 3/2011

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2010
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)

I wish I had followed the advice 18 months ago. I would be so much further along healing and having put my life back in order.

Great advice.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, June 24th (Sunday)

I believe now that my husband stayed up to watch tv after I went to bed to be able to talk to her on the phone. We have a camcorder and it sits in a case on the shelf in the den. I could have easily turned it on at night - still in the case- to record his phone conversations. At least then you know you're not crazy...


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2328 | Registered: Jan 2012
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, June 28th (Thursday)

Moving this to the front page for newcomers to SI


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, July 2nd (Monday)

bumpity bump......



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, July 4th (Wednesday)

Love this post so much. Wish I had followed it better.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Feb 2011
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, July 7th (Saturday)

bumping again....



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
KernalSandy
Member
Member # 35610
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, July 7th (Saturday)

What I wish I had done?

Great question.

Right now, I’m kinda wishing I had let her A run its course. I’ve been in limbo because I will really never know if she is capable of chronic betrayal (automatic D) or whether it was a colossal, one-time screw up, like she says (possible R). On paper she is remorseful, but I wonder if it’s legit.

There was an EA component to it after-the-fact that she hasn't 'fessed up to. So lately, I'm leaning toward D. But I feel guilty about that because she has been working on remorse. I'm sort of wishing I she gave me a reason to go auto-D without the guilt.


Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2012
Belle29
Member
Member # 35501
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, July 7th (Saturday)

You are an effing genius! I will need to re-read this again tomorrow. Thank you so much for sharing.


Me: BS
Her: WS
DDay: 4/27/2012

It's a rollercoaster ride for sure......and I never did like rollercoasters. That's why I got off.


Posts: 154 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Dallas
SuspiciousWife
Member
Member # 18108
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)

Bumping


Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

Posts: 557 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: East Coast
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)

Bump


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
katherine41
Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, August 6th (Monday)

dropping in and bumping.

Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, August 6th (Monday)

I wish I would have packed his stuff up and taken it to the OW house that she shares with her Husband!!!! LOL
Those first few days I was so shocked, everyone would have excused anything crazy I did.

Anyway, thank you for posting this.


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2328 | Registered: Jan 2012
katherine41
Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, August 6th (Monday)

It's been a while since I visited, but I'm already re-bumping this for justjul.

Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
pbjkiki
Member
Member # 35145
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, August 7th (Tuesday)

Sigh. I have the most remorseful, committed, penitent, unflappable, undiscouragable, determined-to-R WF.

And I STILL regret taking him back. Now it feels like it's too late.

What I wish I'd done?

- Wish I'd hacked his phone, and found a way to read what all those texts said.
- Wish I'd more directly and forcefully informed the OW's boyfriend (accidentally sent the tattle message to someone on FB with his same name. Next, my friend tried emailing him, and he got it, but opted to believe the OW's gaslight. Third time I sent from my gmail to his FB inbox, a technique which I don't think works). At this point I think I'm just being a drama queen and I need to let it go. He wants to be lied to. His funeral.

I regret meeting him in the first place, though, so if we are rewriting history, I think I'd go farther back and just stay the happy, carefree person I was.


Posts: 333 | Registered: Mar 2012
queneanth
Member
Member # 15816
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, August 14th (Tuesday)

Bumping for new members. Also adding my "shoulda"

I wish now that my response to finding out would have been along these lines:

"I am actually releived to hear of your infidelity! Now I can come come clean and tell you that I have been in love with someone else for about (insert length of time shorter than your WS's affair here)and now I can FINALLY be TRULY happy! you must move out immediately and be with her!Let's all get together for a few drinks in about a month.This is going to be great!

Only works if you don't have kids though...And if you can ply a single friend of the opposite sex to play along. And if WS is a cake eating fence-sitter.


"The hardest thing in life to learn, is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn."

Posts: 560 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: in between
blinders_off
Member
Member # 34109
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 358 | Registered: Dec 2011
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)

Bumping for newbies, lots of great advice!


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9822 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)

Bump


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, September 26th (Wednesday)

Wish I'd let him tell the kids that night, put him out on the street and filed for divorce there and then, like I always said I would. It was the lies and the attempt at R that did all the damage that came afterwards. But that's not what I'd advise others to do. My WH's A had been sneaking up for years... and is, hell as it is to say this, a real love-match. He told me and never said sorry, never said anything except he loved her and didn't love me, that I didn't know what love was. I should have listened to those powerful words, and acted upon them, not made a desperate and humiliating attempt to make it all un-happen, clinging to a dead relationship.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 905 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Angelstar5
Member
Member # 35276
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, September 26th (Wednesday)

I should have left his ass at the curb and saved myself nearly 20 yrs of gut and heart wrenching pain and agony. THE FIRST DDAY! I shouldn't have waited all these years thru all the alcoholism and treatment centers to wait for him to half kill me again.


Now i'm nearly 50 and feel trapped as hell. I wish i was 32 again and young and could start fresh....young enough to have more kids with someone who loved me.


Me 47,WH 46 alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs

Posts: 753 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Fort Worth TX
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, September 29th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, October 13th (Saturday)

weekend bump.

Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
diditagn
Member
Member # 3433
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

Bump


Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.

Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: WI
katherine41
Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, November 11th (Sunday)

bumping

Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
lknup
Member
Member # 37433
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, November 11th (Sunday)

Thank you for bumping. I needed this advice as hard as it is to read.


Me: BW
He: WH
DD fall 2012
Getting a Divorce!

Posts: 189 | Registered: Nov 2012
34years
New Member
Member # 37477
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, November 13th (Tuesday)

This is good info, thanks. I have already goofed my revealing some sources.

I have seen too many people put through hell by trying to salvage a marriage with a long term cheater/liar, and I want to avoid that.

I'm off to read about this 180 stuff. It sounds like something i need to know.


Me: 55 YO BS
Him 54 YO WH
M: 34 years
pros, strippers, strangers, Craigslist personals, affair
D-Day: 10-31-12
He is in custody for raping me and fracturing my back
4 grown children

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Oregon
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, December 15th (Saturday)

bumping


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
StopHurting
New Member
Member # 37818
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 15th (Saturday)

Hi everyone.
less than a week since dd2.
can someone explain to me what 180 is? or refer me to the explanation?
Many thanks.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: PNW
NiteOwl
New Member
Member # 36517
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, December 15th (Saturday)

Everything you say rings true but omg it's sooooo hard!!! I sometimes wish for a lobotomy or electric shock therapy. 4 months out and I'm swinging in the wind, unable to make any real decisions and I think I've list my self respect. He says he wants recovery but also wants rug sweeping... Lets just move forward, this is us and this is now. Well my heart and my mind is stuck in the A and the pain and I'm not able or ready to just move forward. I can tell my attitude towards it is wearing thin on him. Any suggestions? It's easy to cave, so hard to be strong :(


Me: 47
WH; 46
Married 26 years
4 adult children
Several EAs, 1 LTA (2 1/2 yrs)
D-Day July 30 2012

Posts: 49 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Mid South (aka Hell these days)
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, December 16th (Sunday)

StopHurting -- for an explanation of the 180, look in the Healing Library (in the little box upper left) under BS FAQ. It's covered under #11. And there are lots more helpful topics there, too.


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, January 6th (Sunday)

Bumping for newcomers


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, January 11th (Friday)

Bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1763 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, January 17th (Thursday)


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, January 17th (Thursday)


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, February 11th (Monday)

Bumping for new-to-SI folks


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, February 11th (Monday)

I never thought about exposing the OW to anyone but her husband.

How do you expose her to her friends, family, boss????


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2328 | Registered: Jan 2012
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, February 11th (Monday)

I would have just left....filed for divorce.

b/c after 35+ years of marriage, we would either be done and over or he would have realized what he had lost and learned to value it again.

Instead, we are in sort of a permanent limbo...in his mind, he never lost anything and I still see no remorse and can't regain my trust and security in this marriage.

I have become stronger in so many ways and I am recovering, but we are not recovering...just rugsweeping.

Why didn't I leave?? I didn't want my kids...in their 20s... to know and I was so blindsided and shocked for 6 months, I literally couldn't think.


Posts: 618 | Registered: Nov 2010
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, February 11th (Monday)

NiteOwl...I can so relate to your feelings and confusion and the rugsweeping. I am over 3years out from dday, but at 6 months, the pain/anger/confusion is so overwhelming...find a good IC...find yourself...not the old you...she is gone...find the new you...try to focus on the new you...not him. I know it is hard.

Posts: 618 | Registered: Nov 2010
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, February 11th (Monday)

If I could go back and re-do things, I would have filed right away. It would have saved me a few months of hoping for something that wasn't worth hoping for.

Unfortunately, I was paralyzed.


Posts: 1811 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
ArcticNight
New Member
Member # 38068
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, February 12th (Tuesday)

I wish I would have had this list and followed it before giving him chance after chance. Remorse was spotty at best.


Me - XBGF Born -78 and awesome (most days)!

My short, very condensed story in my profile.

"Your character becomes your destiny."


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Sweden
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, February 18th (Monday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)

To this day, almost eight years after D-day, I still consider this the best assessment of what to do when the bomb drops, metaphorically speaking.

The only thing I would reiterate (for the BS) is do not beg, do not plead, do not bother to use your most logical arguments about why the WS should come to his/her senses, don't guilt trip, don't shame, don't say how great your love is, etc., etc., etc., because NONE OF THAT MATTERS with a fogged-up WS. And, in fact, it just makes things worse. The only thing that helped in my situation was my half-assed attempt at the 180, and it helped ME, nothing more. And that turned out to be all that could be helped.


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)

bumping


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, March 1st (Friday)

bumping again (I keep doing this because this post helped me so so so much)


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, March 8th (Friday)

Encore


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, March 15th (Friday)


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Good advice, good perspective, especially for newcomers to SI who are dazed and confused and clinging to a leaking PFD.


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Bumping (again)


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
katherine41
Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, May 24th (Friday)

Swinging by and bumping.

Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 31st (Friday)

bump


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
katherine41
Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Bump.

Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Ditto to every point. It is so hard to realize this when you are in the midst of everything but these points are so valid.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
katherine41
Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

bump. It's still true.

Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

bump for newbies



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

wish I would have had this in April...


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
RoadtoPeace
New Member
Member # 39141
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Bump!!


me - BS
him - WH
Married 5 1/2 years
Dday#1 - 10/2009
Dday#2 - 3/2013
Status - He wants R, I am not sure I can get on that ride again

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2013
Phoenix9
New Member
Member # 39733
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Wow. Just wow. Being almost a year from DDay #2, I soooo wish I would have had access to this 6 years ago.

BUT! There's no time like the present, right?


Me (BS): 36 Him (WH): 35
Married 12 years (Each other's 1st)
Children: 9, 8, 6, 3 and 1 month
DDay#1: March 2008 EA turned PA (kissing, holding hands)
DDay#2: August 2012 (ONS with kissing on lips and certain body parts)
Hoping for true R.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix9
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, July 29th (Monday)

bump for livebythesea


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

bump....



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

bumping to page one again



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
Joyless29
New Member
Member # 39824
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Thank you for this wisdom. My WH says he is remorseful, but his actions say differently. He is tying to make me feel sorry for him and at some point it was working. I needed to hear this. I need to keep the course. Thank you.


When life changes to be harder, change yourself to be stronger.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Northeast
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Bump for newcomers ...


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
katherine41
Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, September 16th (Monday)

It still holds true for me.

Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
RRosemary
New Member
Member # 40682
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, September 16th (Monday)

Great to read, thank you. I'm going through that 'but if I make him mad, he'll leave me' stuff, even though I'm considering leaving HIM - old habits die hard.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2013
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
IDeserveMore
Member
Member # 40460
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

This is such a wonderful post. I hope it gets bumped often. So many could use it.

It make me sad I didn't find this or a site like this sooner. I only found out about these sites a few years ago.

My second DDay was 9 years ago. But I put up with TT and withholding for 5 years and so much damage has been done that for the rest of my life I will wish I had married someone else. So sad, like my user name - I deserve more

[This message edited by IDeserveMore at 10:37 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me BS 45, him 48, 15yo DD and 13yo DS
DD#1 1998, DD#2 2004
6 years of TT yields chronicity.
I may never get over it.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2013
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 11th (Friday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Great post!


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, October 14th (Monday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
Stronger4it
Member
Member # 39372
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

bump


Me BS 46
Him WS 48
Together 18 yrs
Daughter 9
DD Nov 13/12
Today ?

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2013
IndianDreams
New Member
Member # 40991
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

what is 'TT' please? I see it often but it's not in the abbreviations list

Also, would it not be an idea to 'pin' this post or include the list in the library so members don't go dizzy bumping it


It wasn't my fault; my bucket was broken
NC = no new hurts

Posts: 38 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: England
Truly
Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

TT means Trickle Truth...when the truth trickles out over a period of days, weeks, months and ,let's face it, years.

Wanted to bumpety bump this awesome thread for some new newbies.

Take care out there x


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
katherine41
Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

bumping

Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
ICECOLD
New Member
Member # 40258
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)

bump


"If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit."

"If you think the grass is greener, you're welcome to take a hike"

BS:47
WS:45
Kids

R: one foot in, and one foot out


Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Atlanta GA
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, December 2nd (Monday)

bump

Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
Jesss
Member
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

THANK YOU for this. I feel like number 5 is truly what I needed to read, and will help me stay strong and know when my WH is truly remorseful.


BS: 31, WS: 35
4 kids between 2 and 7yrs old
DDAY 1: July 2013
DDAY 2: Sept 2013
DDAY 3: Oct 2013
DDAY 4: Feb 2014

Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5100 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
katherine41
Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, December 27th (Friday)

bumping

Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
katherine41
Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

The 180 in a non-infidelity context (at least that the author knows): http://theweek.com/article/index/99512/he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him

Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Bump


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 658 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
BrooklynLove
Member
Member # 41800
Shutup  Posted: 9:30 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

I wish I had done this on my DDay 11/23/12. I ended up pregnant during HB and now have a 2 month old. Plus tonight while he was in the shower I tried the pass code that he gave me for his iPhone and it's not working. I can't even confront right now with no evidence. Sad, sad, and sad.


Will never be naive again...

BW - Me (28)
WH - Him my JH sweetheart (33)
Married - 8 years
2 babies - DD (3) and DD (5 months)
OW#1 - PA with classmate for 2 months
OW#2 - Some slut living oversees that needs a green card. EA & PA going on


Posts: 110 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: USA
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

bump

Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, February 10th (Monday)

I'm a long way past D-day, and it took a long time to finally recover from the trauma of betrayal/infidelity …
And I still find that this 20/20 list is excellent advice for dealing with the chaos that follows D-day.

So … bumping for just-found-out newcomers to SI.


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
alifeforesaken
Member
Member # 41139
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, February 10th (Monday)

I don't believe I have ever seen this thread. I wish I had. I think there is some great advice in there that I am just now starting to realize, accept and implement. I'm not that far out so I'm hoping it's not too late for some of it.


BW (31)
WH (32)
Children (1yr) (1 due Mar '14)
DD#1 - 9/28/13 DD#2 11/24/13

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, February 10th (Monday)

I know it's hard for JFO folks to believe that a foggy, unremorseful, gaslighting WS is so unlikely to straighten up and fly right.
But it seems to me that someone in the midst of a passionate affair (and aren't they all "passionate"?) is exactly in the same altered state of reality as someone with a crack cocaine habit.** The ecstatic moments of "stolen bliss" (I know, I know: sick-making lunacy) are such a great escape from regular life, with all its mundane elements: bills, dishes, oil changes, visits to in-laws, crying kids, crazy neighbors, bad boss, etc., etc., etc.
But time and time again I've read horrible stories of a WS going along to therapy (couples and/or individual), going on special getaway trips with the spouse, seemingly ON BOARD and committed to the marriage/relationship, only to have the BS find out that the contact with the AP never stopped, that the affair has continued on the sly … So this 20/20 Hindsight list is brilliant. And really … if your WS really wants to reconcile, he/she will do everything they can to make that happen.
** Maybe there should be 30-day rehab centers to help people break their "affair" habit!


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

Bump, some of my favorite advice.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Feb 2011
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
undonelife
Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

BUMP


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years (30 now)
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2

Posts: 196 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dont know anymore
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, March 14th (Friday)

Bumping to first page ...


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
JaneDeaux
Member
Member # 42630
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, March 15th (Saturday)

Greet post...thanks.


We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa

Posts: 76 | Registered: Mar 2014
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Hello, new to SI folks …
Good advice here.


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
katherine41
Member
Member # 5792
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, April 25th (Friday)

Bumping.


Posts: 8205 | Registered: Nov 2004
staystrong101
Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, April 25th (Friday)

Katherine - Fantastic! This is basically what I did, although your list is clearly written and I wish I had seen it right after DDAy. I could tell my WH was not being fully honest with me, and still lying to protect OW #1. To me that was the deal breaker, so I filed. I have never regretted filing. Yes it's been heartbreaking, humiliating at times, and scary. But I know I deserve better and I'm moving on to a better life. Good luck to you, thanks for a great post!

Posts: 113 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
kodiak14
New Member
Member # 43235
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, April 25th (Friday)

This is just what I needed. I'm new here and have been trying to figure out how to handle a WS that is deep in the fog. I have an appointment with an attorney next Tuesday.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Apr 2014
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

This. Yes.


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, June 12th (Thursday)

Bumping for newbies.


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, June 12th (Thursday)

Great advice...mine was remorseful and scared the moment I found out...that helped but I busted him in a lie 4 months later...his IC raked him over the coals!
This infidelity crap is not for sissy's that is for sure!
thanks again...even 19 months out!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 19th (Thursday)

bump


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

bump for helpless17


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
MakingMyFuture
Member
Member # 43530
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

Wish I'd seen this list a year and a half ago! Any chance of getting a slightly expanded version into the Healing Library so it doesn't have to keep getting bumped?


When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

DDay 1 - 1/13, False Recovery Discovered more + Broken NC so DDay2= 7/14

9/9/14: filed for divorce

BW: 42 (me)
WH: 40 (him)
DD-10, DS-8


Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2014
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, July 4th (Friday)

Another bump containing valuable lessons.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, August 15th (Friday)

August bump.


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
blindsided81
Member
Member # 44206
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, August 16th (Saturday)

Thanks for bumping this.

It is hard to read, but I am finding it to be absolutely correct on all counts.

Thank you for posting it.


Me, BW 51
WH, 47
OW, ttw (trailer trash whore)
DD, 7/21/14
Separated, divorcing his ass as soon as I possibly can!!

Posts: 146 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: North Carolina
shiftingsand
Member
Member # 43656
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, August 18th (Monday)

Invaluable advise - hoping I can get my act together enough to follow it.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Maryland
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:26 AM, August 22nd (Friday)

Bump


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5149 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, September 8th (Monday)

bump


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, September 18th (Thursday)

Bumping ...


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, October 12th (Sunday)

Bump


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

Bump

Posts: 686 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 16th (Thursday)

bump


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
still confounded
Member
Member # 7826
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, November 7th (Friday)

Bumpety bump. Again.


"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: up the river, NY
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, November 8th (Saturday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5100 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, November 22nd (Saturday)

bumping for weekend


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5100 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
phantom37
New Member
Member # 45406
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, November 22nd (Saturday)

Bump...

I am one month out from dday #1 and TONS of lies. A metric shit ton of lies. The things I have learned in the past month are incredible. He is a selfish and weak man...didn't know him underneath it all. Maybe I was in denial. I have read this countless times and realize the most couples that reconcile regret it, or continue to live in the pain. Most experience 2nd ddays, third ddays, I just can't stomach it. I wanted to try after finding out about 1st affair, but I know too much now and will always look over my shoulder. I don't feel safe in his arms. He is a stranger to me now, and worse, betrayed me when I gave him my full trust and love and loved him with my whole heart. I just know that things will never to the point where I won't wonder and I can't live that way.

I move out on 1 Dec, can't be in this house or look at him any more. The anger stage is just beginning for me. I have a lot of rage at this point.

Thank you for this advice...I am sure it will help a lot of people.


Posts: 24 | Registered: Oct 2014
Topic Posts: 171