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User Topic: "No Reason to Stay?" A thread for BS's
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)

Often advice given to those who are unmarried, or young, or childless does not account for the fact you may have your own reasons for staying and need to be able to talk about your options. This is a thread for BS's who need a safe place to talk without being told to "RUN!!".

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)

Thank you for this thread. I kind of belong in here. I stayed with my WH even after he got someone pregnant. Truth is I would STILL be with him, but he decided to leave US. I stayed for my kids sakes and I support anyone who chooses that or any other reason to stay.
He eventually just walked away from US. But truth is, I would have let him stay with us, until my kids are older and out of the house....

I understand...

Exit Wounds


Posts: 2474 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...
Hopin2Heal
Member
Member # 34275
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)

Yay for this thread. I belong here for sure. I'm married to a (reformed?) serial cheater.



Posts: 182 | Registered: Dec 2011
hopefulfutur
Member
Member # 34964
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, May 15th (Tuesday)

I have no reason to stay, but i do. I was always a strong willed person, if a guy did one thing wrong I wouldn't tolerate it and move on.
Then I became friends with this guy. He was smart and made me laugh. We got along well together. And the sex was amazing.
We finally decided to move into together and that's when I found out the real him.

But even after all of the many lies he's told me (has still yet to admit anything I haven't found) I still don't know why I stay. We don't have children together, separate but not together, and I'm set financially, and it's my house. But I love him. I keep hoping that it will eventually be great, we will be the family I want us to be and he will be him without the porn and looking at other women.
I don't know how to make this better.


DDay 9/30/11
DDay 3/13/12
Separated 11/10/2012

Posts: 154 | Registered: Mar 2012
get-a-brain
Member
Member # 35295
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, May 15th (Tuesday)

I have been a stay at home mom For 13 years. I have Chrones disease that requires a treatment with Remicade that costs $12000 every 8 weeks (no that wasn't a typo). I never went back to finish my degree after my 3rd child. I enrolled again after d-day. My h is a SA in denial. I have PTSD and in general my life is a mess. My plan at this point is to finish my masters within the next five years and then evaluate where my life is headed. I am angry at myself that I allowed myself to end up in this situation. I should have been working on my degree all these years.
It is really the health issue that i
worry about being able to


Read Why Your Spouses Infidelity Isn't Your Fault
http://www.healingafteraffairs-bloomington.info/infidelity/trauma-of-infidelity.html

Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
nordicbabe
Member
Member # 35419
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, May 16th (Wednesday)

Interesting thread. It's been 6 months since dday and it was only last night where I thought maybe I had reached the place where my head and my heart were in sync, meaning that my head told me he's a serial cheating asshole, while my heart loves him and years for him.

Now I realize that I love him and yup, I'd take him back if he got into therapy. I have no idea if that will ever happen so I'm getting on with me, but still no one has filed, although I'm getting close.


Posts: 1468 | Registered: Apr 2012
tounne
Member
Member # 20553
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, May 16th (Wednesday)

Thanks for this thread mods.

When I first came to SI I was 22. My X and I weren't married, and we didn't have kids. Hell, we didn't even live together.

I know the members meant well, but I was often told I had "no reason to stay" and to just "run".

But I was in love and I wasn't ready to give up. It made me feel a bit alone when I couldn't find anyone in my situation. Of course, everyone wound up being right, and I'm glad I finally DID run! But that isn't everyone's solution and everyone here deserves a place they can talk to someone who's BTDT.


Me - 27
Him - Irrelevant
Tried to fix him, then realized he wasn't worth fixing.

Posts: 1641 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Canada
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 16th (Wednesday)

It has been 6 years since my husband's infidelity, nd 5 years since I found out.

I continue to suffer every day because of this. When I first found out, my husband said, "I'll go." He said this not that he wanted to leave, but in an effort to accept consequences for his actions.

I don't know why, but from the first I wanted to stay together and work together to heal - heal him, heal me, and heal the marriage.

Sadly, it hasn't turned out to be so healing. My husband answered my questions for a while, but then started getting upset with my continuing questions.

We have tried counceling, reading books together, Retrouvaille, etc. He says he doesn't want to talk about it any more or do any of those things because "none of it has helped".

He feels worse than horrible for what he did. He has told me on more than one occasion, when I have told him that I forgive him, that he hasn't forgiven himself. I think that discussing it - working through it - is like pouring alcohol into a wound. It brings up the shame and guilt for him. But NOT dealing with it causes me equal or worse pain. And yet...he wins...we don't deal with it.

He says it is in the past, and we should move on and try to be happy.

And so, we are mostly kind and respectful to each other, try to be good parents, and continue with our lives.

I do not believe he has cheated again, but we certainly do not have the connection that a marriage should have.

I have forgiven the infidelity, but I have not forgiven the fact that he did not consider me worthy of the "trouble" to go through the healing process. And I will not forgive that until he is willing - because every day it is in the present...his unwillingness to help.

I have noticed lately that my pain doesn't seem to be quite as sharp and deep as it was. I don't feel this is because I am getting better. I feel it is because I have detached in order to survive. (Learned something truly destructive from my husband.)

Now, I'm not sure I even totally want to bring the monster out in the open again - because I fear my muffled pain will be unbearable again.

And yet, as with all of you, I stay. I think it is 1. a little bit of hope - sad, I know - 2. a sense of wanting stability for our children, and 3. a whole lot of - "marriage is a sacrament, and you just don't cut and run" kind of belief of mine.

I also want to thank SI for providing this thread. So often I find myself in the position of not really being in the same place as some who are frantically investigating, or who want revenge, or will not tolerate this or that.

I am not judging their feelings, I am just not in the same place at this time.

Limbo. Settling. Accepting less than I deserve. All "bad words" to me, and yet - here I still am.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1812 | Registered: Apr 2012
always-hope
Member
Member # 27814
Helpless  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 16th (Wednesday)

He feels worse than horrible for what he did. He has told me on more than one occasion, when I have told him that I forgive him, that he hasn't forgiven himself. I think that discussing it - working through it - is like pouring alcohol into a wound. It brings up the shame and guilt for him. But NOT dealing with it causes me equal or worse pain. And yet...he wins...we don't deal with it.

I know that my WH feels bad about his A's. He has said to me "I can't handle what I did." My response (that I know was not helpful) "You handled it great the weekend you were with her". (the LT/EA/PA/SOW)

The EA's have been forgiven, because I know they were not romantic/bonding type relationships. Not there yet on the LT/EA/PA(even though it was not romantic). Maybe the PA part is a dealbreaker for me & I am denying that?

WH is unremorseful, okay when I am in a good mood. Responds to me when I initiate, when I make the first move. (which is a huge trigger since OW made the moves to initiate sex) He is also defensive, sarcastic & downright evil(called me by OW's name on purpose) when I am in a bad mood, down, bitchy or bring up the A. He has not followed through on the timeline, IC for him, MC for us, has read one book, registered but never posted on SI.(makes nasty comments about SI) He basically has not done much work to make the M better, help me, the M or himself heal. I do not trust him, he has not earned that back. He has also not earned the place he held in my heart back.

When I asked him what marriage ment to him post-A he said he wants to move forward & have fun...

I start to do the 180 & then I think back to when he was in the LTEA. I was living my life taking care of the kids, had my own friends & interests. WH was nasty to me. (telling me everything was my fault, I was broken, I needed IC) All the while in the LTEA & ramping it up, making plans to leave us. (with OW's encouragement, that he needs to do what makes him happy) When he made his plans to leave, he & OW then planned to spend a weekend together for a HS reunion. I have the fear now that if I 180 hard WH will do it again. I know that I cannot live my life in fear that he will cheat again. I couldn't have stopped him last time, I opposed him talking to OW when I found out(2005) and it still turned to a PA. If WH wants to cheat again he will. What boggles me is that he wants to rug-sweep & gets mad that I won't let that happen. I will keep the A in the forefront until he deals with it. Maybe I go about it the wrong way.

I have had people ask me why I stay, I don't know anymore.


This is where I sit now. Frozen in limbo, motionless in fear.

Gotta go to work now, thanks for listening.


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, May 16th (Wednesday)

alwayshope...

I don't mean to discount the rest of your post, but...

(called me by OW's name on purpose)

I am just so very sorry for the pain this must have caused you. Oh my goodness!


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1812 | Registered: Apr 2012
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, May 16th (Wednesday)

I have forgiven the infidelity, but I have not forgiven the fact that he did not consider me worthy of the "trouble" to go through the healing process.

I think this was key for me, too, along with a few other 'final straws.' But I figured if he forced me to heal all by myself, if I was strong enough to heal by myself, what in the world did I need him for?

I stumbled across this thread, I guess I don't really belong here, because I did finally file. But I didn't do it until probably 8 or 9 years after I found the first secret e-mail, and probably 6 after I finally decided to dig and find out what he was really up to. (For a long time, I figured the secret e-mail was just about talking to his sister, who had caused a lot of trouble in our marriage--although of course in retrospect, I suspect a lot of that was really NOT her causing trouble, but him once again spinning the story, not telling me the truth about why she said and did the thigns she did.)

Annnnnyway...I did stay longer than most people thought I should. I stayed for kids, for finances, to make sure an immature, drinking, partying 22yo skank was not going to hurt my children by playing step-mommy; to give myself time to heal (I consider it dealing with one thing at a time--I figured it was easier to go to counseling and work on healing with his full time income coming in rather than dealing with healing AND financial disaster at the same time.) I stayed to give him every possible chance to come clean and change his ways, so I would never have any regrets. I worked on preparing a future for myself in case he chose not to clean up his act. I'm sure there were more reasons, too, but the specifics don't change the point: I stayed for many reasons, for longer than people thought I should.

The end result is, I'm making a smooth transition to single parenthood in much better circumstances than I would have had I filed immediately (although a part of me still wishes he'd been hit hard and fast with consequences).

I'm also 100% at peace with my decision, and for a devout Catholic/champion second-guesser self-doubter who's just torn apart a large family and has my own parents bad-mouthing me for it--that's saying a lot.

We all have or had our reasons for staying. People may not have agreed with mine and I may not agree with some others, but one thing some people did say here that helped me was reminders to others that we can all only act in our own time, when we're ready to.

[This message edited by capri at 11:36 AM, May 16th (Wednesday)]


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
MyReturn2Me
Member
Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, May 16th (Wednesday)

I will post here later but this thread was linked from another one and MAN-O-MAN do I belong here.

I'm a SAHM with a hobby business, 2 teens, I'm a college student, and my cake eating husband travels/fucks all over the country.

He says he hasn't had sex with anyone since his 50th birthday, St. Patricks Day, 2009. I say he's a LIAR!


Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
beautifulmess7
Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, May 16th (Wednesday)

hopefulfutur - My story is very similar to yours. I am also a very strong woman who always said I would leave someone who cheated on me. I was attracted to him intially because of his great personality, his witty humor, and the way he could get me to open up like no other person had before.

I wasn't married to my H when I he first cheated on me. We had been together a little over a year at the time. I still can't quite explain what made me stay and give him another shot... He had moved in with me, but not too much before the affair (about 2-4 months), I owned my home, I was (and still am) financially independant (I earn more than him), and we don't have any kids. But I felt there was something there to hold onto.

Now a few years down the line I have found out about multiple lies and discovered that he is an SA. But I'm still here. Many people would probably tell me to run, to move on, that I'm still young enough to start again with someone else. But we have a lot together and we connect and complete each other in so many ways. And now he is in true recovery and dedicated to making himself a better person. I'm still in this as long as he is willing to try and give our marriage the effort it deserves.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
La Traviata
Member
Member # 14941
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 17th (Thursday)

Yup. I belong here!

29, married 3 years, no kids.

I actually take strength in the fact that I have "no reason to stay." Leaving would definitely be easier, but I chose to stay and do the work. I told WH as much, too.

My favorite response to people who start bashing WH or telling me I should leave: "That's not helping."

(I have to say that a lot )


edit: I'm sorry- I'm a "madhatter" (stupid ONS while we were dating.) Am I allowed to post here? If not let me know and I'll take it down!

[This message edited by La Traviata at 10:32 AM, May 17th (Thursday)]


me: BW 31
him: WH, 29
DDay: 4/16/12
RelapseDay:4/15/13

A year of false R. I grew and worked, he didn't. He took off his wedding ring during an alcoholic relapse, I packed and left the next day. I went back 8 weeks later, working hard


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: NOVA
tounne
Member
Member # 20553
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, May 17th (Thursday)

(((La Traviata))) I dunno if you're allowed to post here or not, but it doesn't bother me so I'll reply.

It seems so easy for people to tell us to just go if we have no kids or whatever. But the way I see it is if they're ONLY staying because of kids, etc. then they are exhausting and draining themselves for someone they don't even love???

I think love is the MOST IMPORTANT reason to stay. In my case, I did end up having to run, but there was a time when that's not where I was. It's nice to have others in our shoes we can relate to.


Me - 27
Him - Irrelevant
Tried to fix him, then realized he wasn't worth fixing.

Posts: 1641 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Canada
MyReturn2Me
Member
Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 17th (Thursday)

Capri my story is a lot like yours except my stbxh doesn't have one OW but engages in ONS with women he meets in bars, while on the road.

He swears he hasn't done it since 2009 but I don't believe him.

I am a college student and am almost finished with my degree. I too am thinking bout the financial ramifications of all of this and I am proceeding with a plan.

Fortunately, or not, he has taken a corner of my sewing studio as his "dog house", which sits in a large spare room in his mother house. Oh, did I mention the mother fucker is right next door!

Otherwise, I'm lining it up, getting myself mentally and physically healthy, educating myself so that when I break out of this gilded cage, I never have to look back!


Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, May 18th (Friday)

There's only one ONS, actual physical sex, that I know of, for sure. There were plenty of emotional affairs and inappropriate relationships, and I have reason to suspect he slept with more than just the one--stories over the years that were off, long unexplained absences, etc.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
introspect
Member
Member # 34040
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, May 19th (Saturday)

I actually take strength in the fact that I have "no reason to stay." Leaving would definitely be easier, but I chose to stay and do the work. I told WH as much, too.

Absolutely agree. It's important that WH chose to stay and do the work as well. In my situation, we're both absolutely capable of leaving and starting fresh. We chose us. And in making that choice neither of us was pressured by an external "have to" or "we should stay for . . .". Instead we both know that the other chose to do the work because they wanted to

I get very upset when BS's who don't have kids or aren't married are told to run. It feels as though people are saying that only a ring or only a baby makes a relationship real. Truly, every relationship is unique. every situation Is unique. Only you know what's worth working for and what your deal breakers are.


Me: BW, 34
Him: WS, 39
D-day June 15, 2011

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2011
moonchild53
Member
Member # 26620
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 12th (Tuesday)

I just wanted to say thank you for this thread, I'm an unmarried BS who has been told to run as well, but I love my SO, it's not always so easy to just leave when your heart is so invested. I'm happy there is a safe place to go to vent.

Posts: 187 | Registered: Dec 2009
moonchild53
Member
Member # 26620
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 12th (Tuesday)

I get very upset when BS's who don't have kids or aren't married are told to run. It feels as though people are saying that only a ring or only a baby makes a relationship real. Truly, every relationship is unique. every situation Is unique. Only you know what's worth working for and what your deal breakers are

Amen!


Posts: 187 | Registered: Dec 2009
notparanoid
Member
Member # 8067
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, June 13th (Wednesday)

This is a GREAT topic. I stay, for now, because I cannot afford to leave.

I thought we were reconciled, what a dreamer I was. WH weapon of choice are internet EA. They still hurt, and it's not just that, but how he treats me. I used to feel bad because he had a stroke and I wanted to blame part of it on that. The truth is, the stroke just allowed me to catch him quicker this time.

When I graduate school and get back to work, I'm GONE. I also have lots of health issues. They were in remission until WH's stroke. Now I'm a total mess. I can't walk without a walker, if I have to go too far I have to use a wheel chair. I hurt everywhere. And all the daily drama just keeps it going...

One more year to go.......


Me-52
WH-50
Married 29 + years
The REAL DDAY-5/25/05

http://patti-henry.com/
Hubby had a stroke 3-4-09 - working hard at recovering.

He decided to spend his days looking up old sluts on FB from years past.... Where are we now?


Posts: 885 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Somewhere I've not been before
SabinatheOwl
Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 27th (Wednesday)

I suppose in many ways I'm staying for reasons similar to what Capri wrote. To become financially prepared, to avoid disrupting DS16's last two years of HS. To heal myself as much as I can. There are so many excellent reasons to leave, all valid and compelling. But in the end, I feel trapped and I refuse to allow his behaviors to result in my being left on the street unable to support myself. Call it pride, stubbornness, using him for my own selfish ends. Whatever. But I'm tired of being told "just leave already".

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Thera77
Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 27th (Wednesday)

I might belong here too, because we have been married almost 11.5 years with no kids (just pups). And while many BS's stay for the kids and that works out for them, I stay for the opposite reason. First, I really believe that if we'd had kids FWH would not have had the A. MOW used the "I'll have your kids" line on FWH and that added to his already having his head up his ass - just sealed the deal. In fact during the A - when I didn't know about it yet, FWH said something to me about going and finding someone else to have his kids. So I know it was weighing on his mind. At the time of the A, we had experienced 3 miscarriages + years of infertility treatments. It is such a devastating process to have to live through. If you don't know, I hope you never have to find out.

Today, we are working on R and except for MOW fishing every 6-12 months things are looking up. But knowing myself and the way I heal and how long it takes for that process to happen and how ugly it is, I would not have stayed if we'd had kids. Well and MOW pretended to be pregnant after Dday, so I wouldn't have stayed if she actually were either. Alot of my anger outside of the normal A anger is the fact that FWH nearly gave my children's birthrights away - without a thought. It is a huge deal for me. When things were leaning more toward D than R in the beginning, part of what boiled my blood the most was that FWH and I would go our seperate ways and what did that say about the legacies and importance of the 3 babies we lost? So there are more than the normal issues when you're dealing with an A and some of these special circumstances. Does that make sense to anyone?

I actually take strength in the fact that I have "no reason to stay." Leaving would definitely be easier, but I chose to stay and do the work.

This^^ What La Traviata said holds so much weight with me. I have an MBA, I don't need FWH to make a living or do anything really. If we were to go our seperate ways except for the puppies, everything would be a clean break. I would move back to the midwest and FWH could suck it. Unfortunately having that attitude has hindered R sometimes, but I guess that's just the new reality of living with the aftermath of an A.

[This message edited by Thera77 at 3:06 PM, June 27th (Wednesday)]


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
broken <3
Member
Member # 35098
Cool  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 28th (Thursday)

I was told the same thing - Ive been with my WS for over 7 years - hes a serial cheater (mostly online) but he went to a "swingers party" back in 2008 - I KNOW theres more and Ive yet to have a sit down to discuss time line with him... He tries to rug sweep - IM NOT GONNA LET HIM... Hes posted his own "casual encounters" posts on craigslist and has responded to others posts aswell - he admits to meeting 12 in person but "nothing happened" - they were usually unattractive fat, white girls... or something... (his words)
Ive been told to cut line and run too - as we have no children and arent married (tho he did propose in aug 2010) that being said he has sneaky ws thinking ALL the time! He definately shows signs of passive agressive behavior and has more than a dozen times "thrown me under the bus" with his friends/family in regards to how "controlling" I am...
He's remourseful - wants us to be together and has done most of my bottom lines in regards to R - but hes so concerned about what I said when I found out about the sex party he attended - I threw him out and got violent and also shouted "Everyone is going to know about this!" I wanted to post on his facebook (that I had access to at that time - phone and email passwords too) that hes a serial cheating pos and that all along he was saying crap about me and making ME feel guilty coz he wasnt getting his way...
Sorry long rant - Ive not posted here in a while...
That being said - I hold on hope with him, besides not giving his passwords back to me - thats all , hes agreed to everything else and doesnt want to do that part coz hes trying to do the old "self perservation" crap - even though everyone close to us knows anyways - I can ask for his phone at any time and theres a keylogger and iphone data extractor on his computer to catch him - if he does it again - IM SO GONE...

[This message edited by broken <3 at 3:04 PM, June 28th (Thursday)]


Me - BS mother of 10month old identical twin girls (conceived during HB)
Him - serial cheater
R? Still not sure if this is a deal breaker...

Posts: 459 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West coast Canada
turningtables114
Member
Member # 35054
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, July 8th (Sunday)

Thanks for this thread. I don't know why I stay.


BSO - Me (25)
WSO - Him (29)
One super spectacular 1 year old DS

Posts: 154 | Registered: Mar 2012
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, July 15th (Sunday)

I just posted in R forum and found this one which is great for me too.

No Reason to stay??Over the last 21/2 years I have asked myself this very question. Our kids have grown and left home. s okids aren't the reason. Finacial -no I would be better off on my own. Fear - Maybe, I know this life and for the most part it's OK. I have some great moments and once in awhile they include him.
I
I think hope is the reason I stay. I hope for a better future. I hope we have more and more good times together and somewhere I hope he loves me like he did before, well actually more than he did before.


Me

Posts: 787 | Registered: Apr 2010
mixedemotions
Member
Member # 35810
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, July 20th (Friday)

I'm so thankful for this thread. I feel guilty revealing this on other threads because I see how much everyone else is going through. I'm only 26, WH and I have only been together for 3 years. No kids. I'm in school working on my Master's and if history repeats itself then I'm likely better off financially without him.

There was one EA at the beginning of our marriage and one ongoing PA that I know about. DDay for that one was a little over a month ago.

Since then we've been back and forth about D versus R. Sometimes I kick him out, sometimes he leaves. He always stays away for a few days and then comes home, ready for R, then we have a fight and he leaves (or I kick him out).

We had one MC session, then he said D and left again. Now he wants R and I just don't know. I was so unhappy when he left and I thought I wanted him to come home. Now that it's an option, I feel confused and scared that this will just keep happening if I don't take myself out of this situation.

No reason to stay, many reasons to go including very serious ones like emotional abuse and past sexual and physical abuse. When I see it written down or talk about it in IC the choice seems obvious. Then when I get back home I lose most of my desire to walk away.


Me: Former BW, 26 (now 27)
Divorced 10/11/12
He didn't show up for the D...very fitting, seeing as he didn't show up for the M, either : )
"What did not demolish me simply polished me, now the clearer I can see" - India Arie

Posts: 344 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Back in the Southeast!
lastin12
Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, July 25th (Wednesday)

Need some advice..

Iíll try and be brief with my history.. or you can read my previous post. Iíve been married to my WH for 3 Ĺ years, together for 7 years. During our entire relationship he was very protective of his phone and email. I never had any reason to think anything, so I didnít think anything of it. December 2007 (3 months) after he proposed, he left his email open and I had a weird gut feeling, so I looked. He was corresponding with a woman regarding the ad she had posted on craigslistÖ It was basically setting up a date and time to meet up. I confronted him and he said he was bored and just having a little fun, nothing behind it. Silly me, I believed him. Over the next 5 years he grew more and more protective over his email/phone. He would wait until I left the room to put in his password, etc. Iíve discovered 7 emails/text messages over our relationship having to do with meeting up with other women/couples. The last one was (November 2011), I can only meet up during the week to do it, but trust me, and Iím your guy. Gross!! He still to this day swears nothing ever happened, I donít believe him and he knows it. I moved out in January, he was very distant and seemed over it and I was so tired of trying by myself. I missed his so much and the pain was so intense, I folded and went back home. Things didnít really change, but I pretended everything was ok and went back to my usual self. Doing everything, housework, cooking, cleaning always with a smile on my face (I work fulltime also). He became very distant again so I moved out again in May. This time, it was different, he was very sad and cried a tonÖ he said he loved me more than anything and he was going to do anything to get me back. This included counseling which he said he would never do. Iíve been in IC for close to 2 years now. I moved out for two weeks and he called me begging to meet him at counseling. I went and the counselor said I should moved back home to work on things, I said no, he needs to work a little more and she insisted.  So, I did. He gave me the password to his phone and computer which is nice. With that being said, I found another email (in the trash folder) with him corresponding with another chick regarding her picture being nice and asking where she lived. This occurred while I was gone the first time. He again said nothing happened and the counselor said I need to close the past and stop digging/looking for something.

With all of that being said, Iím still having a ton on issues. He said he already feels like he ruined me and who I am as a person and heís done beating himself up all the time about what heís done and doesnít want to hear it anymore. I really donít bring it up very much and donít ask many questions. My WH is incredibly selfish and always has been. We have a 3 car garage and my nice car sits outside because all of his toys are in the garage (classic car, 6 motorcycles, dune buggy). He doesnít lift a finger around the house, but he told the counselor yesterday that I half ass things like not getting in the cornerís on the floor, not cleaning out the frig or dog bowl right. The counselor said well, you can do it yourself and he said yeah, maybe. He told the counselor he doesnít know how not to be selfish and think about other people (grew up an only child). Over the last 7 sessions, she has said he needs to put me on a pedestal and treat me like a princess and put me and my feelings first. She said leave her a note, card or send her flowers. She told me if there is something nice I can do for him, I need to bring it to his attention since he doesnít know. So, I asked him to get me a manicure and pedicure (I had my own money for it and had just bought him very expensive protein he has been waiting). He asked me where all of my money was going, I about died when he said that. In the 7 years weíve been together, Iíve never asked him for even a dollar. I explained to him I had the money, but that would be a nice way of showing he appreciated everything I did. He then proceeded to ask me how much my last paycheck was and where it all went. Fatherís day had just past and I had decided to buy my dad (who is so amazing and supportive) a treadmill, his old one was 10 years old and could only run 15min a time. He LOVED IT!! My WH, said so youíre asking me to pay for your nails so you can continue to buy other people treadmills. I started to cry and told him, you just donít get it. He said, yeah I do, I took you to dinner last week. So in the last 2 months, he hasnít done anything just for me. 

He is being nicer to me. Heís always been my best friend and makes me laugh, but I donít feel special and other than our first year of dating, I donít think I have in a while. Iím not only dealing with trust issues, Iím dealing with someone who shows no empathy and is completely selfish. Iím struggling because I think I know I would be so much happier without him and Iíve given him plenty of chances to change. He always tells the counselor, why should I put forth the effort when sheís on the fence about me? I keep thinking what if he changes. I also know leaving him will completely devastate him and I feel guilty about hurting him/making him sad. I feel sick and itís hard to function some days.

Sorry this was so longÖ I just kept rambling, I donít Know, maybe I just needed to vent. Any advice or words would be greatly appreciated!!


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, August 7th (Tuesday)

Why do I stay? We are attempting to reconcile and MC asked me this week to make out a pro and con list.
As my children are grown..my reasons for staying are now different.
I initially thought, hopful. I am inclined to believe now I am passive. The serial cheater (my WH) has gotten away with it all our lives (35 years) Long time.
My pro and con list is telling, not many pros and so many cons.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jul 2012
AnnikinSkywalker
New Member
Member # 35535
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, September 20th (Thursday)

People have asked me why stay in a relationship with this man after what he's done to you, especially when you are not married? Personally, I don't see how marriage makes a difference in matters of betrayal, or even love, for that matter. No offense to those who are married, but clearly, saying those vows haven't really prevented people from breaking them, have they?

I stay because for over five years, I have loved this man the same as if he were my husband, and despite what I always thought, my love didn't diminish at the discovery of infidelity. I see the remorse in his eyes and the effort to change his ways, and I know I would regret not giving this relationship a sincere chance at not only surviving, but thriving.


Me: BGF, 27
Him: fWBF, 27 (Tennis1234)
Together over 5.5 years
D-Day #1: April 1, 2012
D-Day #2: April 23, 2012
D-Day #3 (new info): May 9, 2012
TT until 7/13/12.
4-year-long obsession with cyber sex, sexting, webcamming, several EAs.

Posts: 15 | Registered: May 2012
Keepbreathing5
Member
Member # 36534
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, September 21st (Friday)

AnnikinSkywalker -> you could not have described more exactly how I feel. I have been with WSO for almost 6 years and engaged to him for 2. Because of a health issue of mine, we postponed our wedding which was supposed to have been in may. I constantly think that if we were married now I would receive more understanding/ support for my decision to try to work this out with him. My love for him has diminished by his behaviors but my desire to work through this and my image of him as my husband has not changed. But technically, no I guess I have no reason to stay.


BSO (me): 24
WSO (him): 27 (cheaterSteve05)
Engaged 1.5 years, Together 6 years
EA: ~4 months/ PA: ~2 months with MOW (coworker)

Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2012
littlebee33
New Member
Member # 36496
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)

I belong in this thread as well. Although I am married, I have no children with my husband. I am financially secure and would be able to make it on my own if need be. I recently discovered that my husband is an SA and it has been very difficult accepting all that he has done to me in our six year relationship (1.5 years married). Every day I ask myself why am I staying this relationship when I could just make a clean break and start over. My husband is doing a lot of the things that I need him to (IC, MC, 12 Step), but he still has a hard time accepting my pain from all of this. Whenever I am angry or upset, he becomes angry and it usually ends in a fight. In moments like those, I can't help wonder what the hell am I still doing here.


D-Day: Aug. 10, 2012
Me - BS - 27
Him - (SA)WH - 30
No kids.
Together 6 years, married 1.5 years.

Life is never what we planned it to be.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2012
sevensisterhood
New Member
Member # 36851
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, September 26th (Wednesday)

Love this thread. I don't yet know either. It's early days yet for me, only ~ 2 months since dday. But my WH tells me that he was mentally out of our marriage--but not cheating, for a couple of years prior to that.

He certainly was emotionally abusive, starting arguments, very cold and withdrawn. He says he stayed for our daughter, and for the times when I gave him a lot of emotional support (which was often, in all honesty...). He's like a sunflower, and turns toward whoever gives him the most attention.

So now, after learning about his +/- 2 year affair, both ONS and then the EA before and after--where he dragged both my personal life and our daughter's issues into the interminable convo with his mistress (he wouldn't know a boundary if it bit him in the ass), I can't decide if I should stay or not.

6 years ago it would have been easy: I still had a functioning career, was way thinner, had some of my mom's inheritance to fall back on.... now that he's manipulated me into giving all that up by his lies and my own gullibility , love for him, and desire to make it work, I'm at and age/stage where starting over will be really hard.

My older sister just went through this a few years ago, when her cheating husband dumped her, and then she got laid off. She can't find work, is nearing 60--she's getting desperate, and that's going to be me in a few years.

Do I have to live with a lying cheating bastard just to survive?

I've begun to cut myself with a razor to relieve stress (bad, I know--is there a thread for that?). I'm seeking a psych day program to relieve some of the stress and try to super-glue some of my disintegrating personality back together.

But part of the stress is not being able to figure out if I should stay or give up on the man. My sister said, "I knew I would either leave or die". I don't want to get to that point, but I honestly feel like I'm getting close. Yet I want to protect my daughter.

So confusing.

[This message edited by sevensisterhood at 8:29 PM, September 26th (Wednesday)]


Me-53, married 23 yrs, 25 yr relationship; PA at his HS reunion, year + of s/texting, phone, Facebook; CraigsLIst postings, Ashley Madison, OKCUpid account, Adult slut sites..... "I never used them!!".

Posts: 39 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Massachusetts
QVee
Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, September 27th (Thursday)

I too have been told to "Run" a couple of times because I have no children. The thing is, I'm not sure if I ever want children. I'm staying because I need closure. I need to see what's ultimately going to happen before I walk away. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if this marriage was fixable.

My story (abridged): I found out in March of 2011 that my husband was having two online affairs with other women. One of the affairs had lasted for awhile. I immediately was ready to bail. We had only been married for about 8 months. He begged me to stay, and I said the only way was if we attended marriage counseling, and we did. After marriage counseling, things seemed to get better, way better. I finally felt safe, and secure. Fast forward to July of this year, and I find out that he started back up with one of the women for about 2 months. We had been in therapy the entire time, but then when this happens, he admits that it's hard for him to stop, and that he can't stop looking at porn. He is diagnosed with sex addiction, and thus my our new battle has begun. He is now in therapy with a CSAT and in a 12-step. So far, everything seems to be going right, and he is very committed to recovery. So I have to see where this goes. If he can't kick the addiction, I'm out (I know this is a life long commitment.) But for right now, I have to stay.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
whatnow8
Member
Member # 36576
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

I have forgiven the infidelity, but I have not forgiven the fact that he did not consider me worthy of the "trouble" to go through the healing process.

I hadn't considered that this might be a big part of my problems with healing. It never even crossed my mind. Thanks for the insight.


wtf?? How insane does your life have to get that you want to polygraph your freaking HUSBAND. ~ OldCow18

It's hard to make a decision when you're too tired to hold on and too in love to let go. ~ unknown


Posts: 175 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest
mindful
Member
Member # 36880
Default  Posted: 4:18 AM, September 28th (Friday)

Somewhere in my heart I think I should have ran.

But I didn't I stood hard and fought for him and I won.

But did I really or did I just wear her down.

Time will tell right now he's beginning to work harder.

No kids I would not have done this to myself.

I did it for them.


Posts: 161 | Registered: Sep 2012
QVee
Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 1st (Monday)

Leaving a bad marriage without trying to repair it first is like buying high and selling low. Better to see how good you can make it, then look at it and ask: is this good enough? --From Dr. Glass from the Healing Library

That's where I'm at right now.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
whatnow8
Member
Member # 36576
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)

I stay for my kids. Right now I can homeschool them, and I love that.

A friend of mine called me one day when I was really just ready to leave. Another friend of hers was divorced, because of a cheating spouse. This other friend just found out that her boyfriend's son was molesting her daughter. If I were to leave I would lose all control over who wh lets around my kids. That's enough for me.

But I do have a plan. The day after our 3month old leaves for college I'm done. I can put away a whole lot of money in that time, and a relative has agreed to open an account in her name so wh doesn't know about it. One small step at a time.


wtf?? How insane does your life have to get that you want to polygraph your freaking HUSBAND. ~ OldCow18

It's hard to make a decision when you're too tired to hold on and too in love to let go. ~ unknown


Posts: 175 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest
FutureChanged
Member
Member # 32965
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, October 15th (Monday)

Its been almost 2 years since DDay and not a day goes by without me asking myself, should I stat...should I have stayed. This despite my WW doing most everything possible to R and fix her and our issues. We have 3 young girls, so much is at stake. The reality for me is though, If we didn't have the girls, no way I would have stayed, just that simple so in a nutshell, stayed for the kids, maybe its right, maybe wrong...time will tell.


Dday: 12/21/2010
Wish I hadn't stayed......

Posts: 75 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Nor Cal
coralrose
New Member
Member # 36896
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, October 20th (Saturday)

ďPerhaps the strongest forms of bondage in our particular place and time are the chains of comfort and security.Ē Ė Garret Keizer, The Enigma of Anger: Essays on a Sometimes Deadly Sin

Can anyone else relate to this statement? After three months of job and apt hunting without submitting a single resume or application, I am beginning to conclude that I donít really want to move out or get a real job. Lately, I have been thinking it may be in my financial best interest to forgive my WH, and that thought is like a spiked stake twisting in my gut.

The facts: We live in a no fault state. We have no kids together. We share no marital property. And weíve been married less than 7 yearsóin legalese, a ďshort-term marriage.Ē That means if I file for divorce, Iím looking at temporary alimony at best.

I am one of those over-educated, underemployed types. I would love to move out and get my own place, but I can barely afford to rent a studio on my current part-time wages. I would like to find full-time work that excites me, but also pays a decent salary. I am anxious about statistics that show how divorce negatively affects womenís finances in the long term, while their ex-husbandsí salaries continue to increase. Fear. Resentment. Laziness. Exhaustion. Paralysis of indecision.

Have I been living in a bubble for too long? Do I lack the ambition to start all over? Am I just getting too old to put up with the bullsh*t from both marriage and the workplace? What is the third option?

I love the waterfront house we are renting and my little-nothing jobówhy should I have to give up my comfort and security just because WH couldnít keep his d*ck in his pants?

I need help figuring out how I can make it okay for me to stay and not feel like Iím betraying myself. . .

Thank you for this thread!


Met 04/04; Married 12/05; (2nd marriage for both)
Me: BW, 45, no kids
Him: WH, 54, 1 DD, 22 (from an A in a previous relationship)
DDday: 06/19/12
moving toward R. . .

Posts: 19 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: coralrose
Chandler
Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, November 6th (Tuesday)

Glad this is here. I stayed and we were OK or so I thought. Now I am back, and wonder if I should stay or not. We have been married 10 years now 1 child. WS had multipe affairs 1 resulted in an OC. Now he is in an EA with someone.


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
MystiKay
Member
Member # 36401
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, November 7th (Wednesday)

I am mad, hurt and depressed. But despite that I love him and plan to stay.

As much as it sucks. I love him, but i don't like him very much right now. Is that the BS version of ILYBNILWY?


Posts: 276 | Registered: Aug 2012
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, December 6th (Thursday)

My wh chioked and spat on me. Everyone says I should leave, but he's going to psychologist and doing heaps of homework and on ADs.

I'm still scared of saying no though, of the repercussions... Even though I am now 100% sure he won't do it again.

So it pisses me off of the three people I've told (in person) to be told RUN. Not very supportive advice is it?!!!


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 814 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Hannelore
Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, December 8th (Saturday)

It's been a tough road. My ws is a workaholic, sex addict, and ocd. In our 14 years together, I began really suspecting something 3 years ago. Dday was 13 months ago, with another one on Dec. 23, 2011, followed by trickle truth and lies until Dday 3 this last October.

I love this man. We 're in therapy, he goes to sa meetings, but his work is in the way of everything. I am not sure I will stay. I am going out of state for awhile next month to regroup and think.


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 8th (Saturday)

I have no real reason to stay meaning no kids or finances or anything like that but I have stayed because I feel the need to give it more time and I am just not ready. He has mentioned separation several times but I have not pushed him off his fence. I think he wants this then he can say oh well stung left me.


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013

Posts: 226 | Registered: Oct 2012
Trusttrusttrust
Member
Member # 37694
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, December 17th (Monday)

I too have stayed (so far). We have been married for 30 years. A part of me wants to cut and run and a part of me wants to heal. I have posted a lot today be because I am having a really bad few days. It is so nice to know SI is here and I can post. I think I want to heal and then make a decision about staying in this marriage.


Married 31 years
D-Day Sept 3, 2012
I thought we were in R. Now I am not sure.
Second D-Day August 5' 2013
No kids

Posts: 97 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Virginia
Burchellscoucal
New Member
Member # 37859
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, December 23rd (Sunday)

I, 100%, absolutely belong here. I am so glad I found this.
Thank you so much for starting it...

I don't really know what to write at the moment - I am so new to forums and don't want to jack a thread.

I've posted three times today, and am considering bailing on this "relationship" but then I get that reminder in my head of him loving me, so I am totally split. In limbo - we are messed up... Please read my story if you care to know more, and I don't have many posts if you're up to finding out more about my situation.

thanks everyone here, this place is very helpful.


BGF: 26
(F)WBF: 28
D-Day 1: Oct 21, 2011
D-Day 2(Discovery of the omission of all details): Nov 16, 2011
D-Day 3: February 18, 2012

Posts: 16 | Registered: Dec 2012
ellie1977
New Member
Member # 38248
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, March 1st (Friday)

I stay because I love him. Yes we have kids together and yes I am a SAHM. Yes those are part of the reasons why I stay but not all of them. I stay not just for the kids and not just for financial reasons but also because I love him, I can't imagine life without him.


Me: BW 35 ~ almost 36
Him: WH 33~ almost 34
Married: 04/08/02
3 Kids
DD: Of PA and EA 12/31/12 knew before he admitted for 5 months
A: PA lasted 8 months EA lasted about 1 yr
OW: my cousin who was living with us the entire time of PA.
Hoping for R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2013
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, March 1st (Friday)

I stay because WH used to be my best friend and he is a great father. I believe what he is trying to sell me at the moment

But I am completely self-sufficient. My reason to stay may change in the future.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2248 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
heartlandgirl
New Member
Member # 36740
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, March 11th (Monday)

No reason to stay, could leave at any time, but I haven't yet. Unlike others that don't know why they stay, I do know. He's attached to me, heavily bonded and lives in his own world of deception. He can't handle the day to day of reality. For him to have to see the light of day would kill him and I'm not quite ready for that yet, someday though.


know that i love you...know i don't care
know that i see you...know i'm not there

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: small town, Illinois
heartlandgirl
New Member
Member # 36740
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, March 11th (Monday)

[This message edited by heartlandgirl at 11:32 AM, March 11th (Monday)]


know that i love you...know i don't care
know that i see you...know i'm not there

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: small town, Illinois
TXMommy
Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

I stay because of finances, and my kids. I don't like my H. Sadly, I rarely want to be around him. It really hurts because there was a time that all I wanted was to be around him, not any more. I don't know if its the deployments/ time away and just LIFE that's changed me, or the A. Or both. In any case, I have no plans to leave. I don't know what will happen to our M in the future, though. For now, I just try not to be mean and show him how disgusted I am with him.


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Is it bad that I'm just now able to say I'm in R?

Posts: 549 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
Dancetilldawn
New Member
Member # 36980
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)

My reasons to stay out weigh the reasons to leave my WH!
I stay for my children BS 17 BD 14. BS has special needs. BD has expensive hobbies that she has worked very hard at to get to a higher level. I don't want my husband or my in-laws to fuck with my kids heads, anymore then they have.
I stay because I truly think WH would commit suicide. He cannot be alone! We are all he has! ( he has family and friends, but since they found out about the A's through rumors they have not been helpful at all!)
I stay because he is not a threat to us and WH is very into his work. Travels a lot too!
I stay for financial reasons!
I stay to give WH and our marriage a chance. I do love him! WH is regretful haven't seen the remorse.

I am strong enough to leave tommorrow, if I have too!


BS 42 WH 45
BD 15 BS 18
D day #1 2/14/12
D day #2 5/17/12
married 18 years
At least 5 OW over 10 years
I am dedicated to my family, always have
been. I did not deserve this!

Posts: 33 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: EU
Thorston
Member
Member # 38709
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

No kids. I am moving out next week, but I stayed so long so that after all is said and done, I can look in the mirror and say that I know I did all i could.


Me: BH Ė 38
Her: WW Ė 34
Married: 4 years, togther 8
D-Day #1 10/20/12
D-Day #2 12/23/12
EA>PA 2/2/2013
D-Day #3 3/2/12

Posts: 63 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: ON, Canada
April101
Member
Member # 20417
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, May 19th (Sunday)

Initially, just after D-day, I was devastated but very much still in love with my husband. I was angry at the bitch who lured my husband into an affair. We tried reconciliation, though counseling. It went well, we had some tears, some laughs and a in-depth understanding of the mechanics that led up to the affair. What I never got though is the "why". Why did he give himself permission to betray me. I can justify everything else to myself and internalize it all. But this one stumbling block keeps coming back again and again.

I could have left right away. This was five years ago. I made more money than him, the economy was better, and I could have gotten more for the house. But back then I was still "in love". Now I don't feel like that anymore. He is just someone who I used to love. There is a song about that and I totally get it now.

But how do I walk away from a marriage that I have been in for so long? The truth is I like being married. I like him to mow the lawn and shovel the snow and take out the garbage and clean up the basement. I like having someone to go out to dinner with. I like having someone to go to the movies with and to talk to each and every day.

Do I wish the affair never happened, of course I do. So does he. But it did happen and it forever changes how I feel about him. If he died tomorrow I would probably be relieved, because then I would no longer have to think about leaving him. It would be over.

I would probably cry and be sad that he is gone. But not ever in the same way if he had never betrayed me. I guess I am getting older and thinking that I don't have many more years on this earth. I know several people, who were the same age as me, and they are gone now. I will probably die before him anyway.

There really is no reason for me to stay. But also, there is no reason for me to leave. I haven't noticed any backsliding. However, he is a habitual liar and I do sometimes catch him in lies. He doesn't have my respect and sometimes I think he is really stupid. He doesn't have any common sense. The only reason he has any money at all is because I rein him in when he would just prefer to spend it all.

Our daughter is starting her last year of college next year. When she is done, I will no longer have financial obligations to my children. At that point it will just be him and me. She has a boyfriend and I fully expect her to move out shortly after graduation. Then decisions will have to be made. Until then, I am just staying with no reason to stay.


Me: 49 (BS)
Him: 47 (WS)
PA: 2 yrs
Married 22 yrs
3 kids
D Day: April 2008
Me: "Nobody wants to be with a cheater not even a cheater."
My D(16): 'Why should I listen to dad, he knew what he was doing was wrong and did it anyway'

Posts: 481 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: New York
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Wow. Only two guys on this thread. One is leaving, the other says he would've if not for his daughter.

OK, I'll be the third guy. I'm trying to stay. Out of curiosity I posted the following in another thread, then thought it was better suited for this one:

What would you do if you were in your mid 30s, physically attractive, both partners are financially secure, no children and one cheats for nine months?

Including by bringing the OM to your home when you're at work.

They continue to work together, but claim there's NC except for work emails.

Would you stay or would you want to D and start fresh?

Before the A we told each other we were ready to have kids.

By staying, am I just risking eventually having children and having the A weigh so heavily of us that we would have a dysfunctional home? Or possibly eventually having a broken family?

We are both in IC and MC.

I'm not going to make any decisions for a while and definitely not going to make a decision based on anyone else's opinion, but I'm just curious what others have to say.

Again, no kids, we can both afford to D and we're both attractive and in our mid 30s. Together for 12 years, nine month affair.

I'm trying not to include love as part of my question because I love my WW. Whatever she feels for me is clearly a lot less than what I feel for her.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
The hard part: They still work together.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
whatabummer
New Member
Member # 38825
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

What's right - I feel like that is ME writing that. I feel like I am just going through the motions. We have not physical relationship and barely talk, but we live together and go day by day. ICK! And yet I love him and so I am caught. What to do!!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2013
whatabummer
New Member
Member # 38825
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, May 24th (Friday)

FeelingSOMuch - Honestly, I would run!! Ha Ha! Having kids is the most wonderful thing in the world, but it is not easy. You get so busy with kids and life that sometimes you don't/can't have time for each other. If your relationship is already fragile you should think about it. And you are YOUNG!! I would start over if I was at your stage. Unfortunately I have 25 years invested, and two kids who need a family.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2013
trappe25
New Member
Member # 38513
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Oh gosh FeelingSoMuch, you sound like such a great guy! Like Whatabummer says; me too, lots of time..too much. I would leave, but that is me. I have a child. I used to think I had a family, but WH took that from me. Now I'm just living here ... a fake family. To me, nothing was real. I know, sounds depressing, but that is how I feel.

You seem to be doing quite well. I have to confess though...over 20 years ago, before marriage, I retaliated against my live in partner's infidelity (there was so much more I didn't know about). I had a year long emotional A with some physical, but it really was emotional A. Got caught and told partner I would stop. He was a client (so kinda work together) and I saw him every week at work. But quickly I continued the A until the man quit his job and I never saw him again...except 4 years ago..he sat next to me and my husband at a restaurant - strangest thing. I just ignored him..now I wish I would have spoken to him or something. It was weird.

I'm just saying that affairs at work have such ties...ok? So make her leaving a deal breaker, maybe and then you may feel a lot better. Of course I know nothing of either of your situations...

[This message edited by trappe25 at 10:38 PM, May 24th (Friday)]


Posts: 27 | Registered: Feb 2013
Conflicted1
Member
Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

No reason except my vows some days. I promised myself at the same time I promised him. I don't think him breaking his promise automatically let's me out of mine. No kids to share- ours was a second marriage for each-raised our blended family but had no shared children. in anger i am ashamed to say i was thankful for that. If he gives an honest effort to R I am in. He has IC tonight as he does every Thursday. I still have hope. If that ever leaves me I will follow it. I still feel love for him and sometimes I resent that...working on it.


Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
bestbecameworst
Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

WhatsRight - feeling the same.

April101 - I have no kids but everything else is the SAME. We are even the same age, except my WH is 45.

I'm now too tired to do what it takes to break up, but since he hasn't worked in years and is in school, I don't really want to leave him with nothing. I just want him gone.

Maybe.

I just wish he could already have graduated so that he had his own money and I was on my own.

And yet, I really wish I'd kicked him out on D-Day. At the time, I still loved him. His guilt prevented him from helping me emotionally so over time the love died. Never thought it would, and he's truly remorseful and a better person than ever but my question is, is that a good enough reason to stay married?

bbw


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile. Planning separation.

Posts: 590 | Registered: Mar 2011
ElectricBlue
Member
Member # 35110
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I stay because of finances, and my kids. I don't like my H. Sadly, I rarely want to be around him. It really hurts because there was a time that all I wanted was to be around him, not any more. I don't know if its the deployments/ time away and just LIFE that's changed me, or the A. Or both. In any case, I have no plans to leave. I don't know what will happen to our M in the future, though. For now, I just try not to be mean and show him how disgusted I am with him.

To TXMommy, OMG, that is my life, too. Being a military wife can really be the END of your life, can't it? Being married to someone the world sees as honorable and brave but sadly you know differently....My first DDay was just a month after yours....

(((hugs)))


I'm the BW, 3 DDays since 2010....
6/28/12, the day I finally admitted to myself that nothing I did would ever matter to him, he's just broken. So I'm gonna just let go.....

Posts: 283 | Registered: Mar 2012
Schilling
Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 8th (Monday)

This thread appears to be inactive, but maybe if I post here, others will join.

I was a little surprised at some of the reactions I had gotten upon my first post of this website. Very little support (though some) most people telling me to leave him.

In short, I have no children. We are not married. I am 26. He is 36 and we have been together about 10 years (minus some time apart).
Here is more detail in the original post:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=501156


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

Hi Schilling! I replied on your thread in General (the last reply). How are you doing today?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:52 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3761 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Schilling
Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Hi Silver.

I had a rough day yesterday, but I was able to talk to my therapist which sort of broke me. But it's a good thing.

I'm overwhelmed. Not only with what is going on in my relationship, but the fact I am finally starting to talk about my childhood abuse for the first time.

My partner and I are going to a couples session tomorrow, it's been a while since we went, I am hoping to have the stones to tell him he needs to commit to going AT LEAST twice a month, no matter HOW hard it is because of his work schedule, that *I* need him to make that commitment.

We will see.

I ditched my original thread, I wasn't in a place to hear the "pick up and run" comments. My apologies that I never got back to you.

How are you today?


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
Schilling
Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Let me reply to your comment here:

The last time he cheated was in March or April.

We lived together in 2007, 2008 and 2009. I moved out when I found some items on my computer of him seeking women out on craigslist. Things had been really up and down but got pretty bad towards the end, he was pretty mean, pushing me away.

We live separately right now because it was something I needed. I went from living with my parents to living with him when I was 20 and decided I need to live on my own. We have talked about moving in together, but it would be into the house with his mom since she is retired, we will be taking care of her and honestly, I am not really ready to take hat on.

He has showed remorse. Intense remorse. But then he slips again. Then he gets remorseful, things get better then he slips. It's our endless, annoying cycle. The remorse gives me the strength to continue.. to a point. But right now, I am just feeling worn down.

He does have a lot of work. While in a drunken state recently he told me he was abused as a child. He has never told a soul, I think a lot of this plays into his issues, has does his height (she is pretty short) and his parents and his past career (he is a former PD). He's never sought help one-on-one. We talk about it, but he is scared.

I'm just now learning how to focus on myself. My entire life has been spent trying to make everyone happy and it's transferred over into my adult relationship.

He would need to go to One on One counseling. He would need to continue couples therapy regularly. He would need to give me access to his cell phone, his emails and his facebook (and I would happily give him access to mine as well).


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, July 12th (Friday)

He has showed remorse. Intense remorse. But then he slips again. Then he gets remorseful, things get better then he slips. It's our endless, annoying cycle.

It doesn't sound like a very stable change, because it's not consistent. It's hard to feel safe, isn't it? Not knowing if his remorse will stick. In order to stick, he'll have to make consistent changes.

Have either of you read any resources on infidelity? Would he be willing to read some self-help books? A good starter book is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda J MacDonald.

He would need to go to One on One counseling. He would need to continue couples therapy regularly. He would need to give me access to his cell phone, his emails and his facebook (and I would happily give him access to mine as well).

These are some really good guidelines/requirements. Have you told him these? Is he resistant on any of them?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3761 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
powerthroughpain
New Member
Member # 39165
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 12th (Friday)

As I worked to heal myself on my own, and as my own fog began to clear, I realized that the affair was just her ultimate stab of unkindess. When I look at our marriage without the affair, I can see a long history of bad mistakes and unkindess that I brushed aside. Her mother even validated me she she said her daughter is a soul vampire and she was worried that I wouldn't leave! There is no reason for me to stay. There are countless beautiful kind people out there.


14 years together 1 dd 3 yold
5 years married
WW dday 4/23/13 8 month ea/pa
WW in ic
Separated
No contact finally 6/3/13
Not working on r
Filing for d

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2013 | From: powerthroughpain
Schilling
Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 13th (Saturday)

I have a read a few things, but it was years ago. I doubt he would read anything. Maybe I am wrong, but I sort of treat him with kid gloves because I don't want to rock the boat.

We had a pretty nasty therapy session. It was a lot of me crying and a lot of him not saying anything or playing the "isn't love enough" and "I thought things were going so well then you spring THIS on me" game.

And of course he was really defensive when our therapist suggested he was a sex addict.

Then our therapist asked him if he wanted to continue the behavior and there was this insanely long pause, then my boyfriend said "Well, I should say yea, I'll do it for her". I took it for what it was worth and asked him to SAY the words, literally say "Yes, I want to stop cheating" and he wouldn't do it. While there was the really long pause, my only thought was "say you don't want too so I have a reason to walk".

Things aren't going well. I feel sick today.

Last night he sent me all these songs, which he does to express his emotion and they were songs about being blind sided, feeling incompetent, apologies etc. But, this is becoming not enough for me any more. He often doesn't have clarity until a couple of days after our sessions, he can't think in the moment and gets defenstive, but things do sink in.

Intellectually, I know this is good for me but being in the middle of it is killing me right now. I'm not an emotional person, but it's like the flood gates have opened and I can't keep it together.

I'm feeling like this is a really pivotal point for him and I. We will either make this work now, or never.

No, I have never asked any of these things from him, I've tried to very gingerly, but I always get push back. He says it makes him feel smothered, like a dog on a leash, that it pushes him to want to go and act out. To his credit, he does call a lot but it's not enough for me.

[This message edited by Schilling at 10:05 AM, July 13th (Saturday)]


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
Schilling
Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, July 13th (Saturday)

powerthroughpain,

That is a tough thing to go through. And I am sorry you had to suffer through it.

There has been a lot of unkindness and disrespect in my relationship as well, but that was years ago, he no longer belittles me or calls me names, because I started to stand up for myself and it shocked the desire right out of him.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

Hey Schilling! Not much time to comment on anything but I wanted to say I'm glad you found this thread!

I'm young too, mid-20s, married 4 years, no kids (well if furbabies count...), and I get the "RUN!!!1!!!!1!" comments as well. It's very... irritating, honestly, because I see people in HORRIBLE situations, MUCH worse than mine, and much unhealthier, who just happen to have a kid or 2, and no one tells them to run. Seems like the 2x4s are swung a little harder at us young-and-childless folks too.

I've found posting in Reconciliation will get you more reconciliation-minded replies. You get more responses in General but the folks there tend to be more on the D/S side of things.

(((((hugs)))))


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Schilling
Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

mysticpenguin,

Thank you for the information. I will check out those threads.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

I'm staying because I need closure. I need to see what's ultimately going to happen before I walk away. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if this marriage was fixable."

This made me pause. Although it's only been a week since true (hopefully haha) NC with OW, this is where I am.
But I really don't WANT to be here "wasting time".
I've spent 4 months of my life and my kids life on this pos debaucle.
I consider myself a strong person, but this has torn my life apart-never have I felt this way:
can't get out of bed, can't eat, on sleeping pills, lost 30lbs in 3 months, smoking more than a pack a day (wasn't smoking before!), not even able to cook my children a meal each day or spend valuable time with them.
This situation has totally and fully consumed my life, piece by piece.
I told WH last night that if I could send myself down each path (D or R) for a year and have them tell me "What happens??" which road is better?
I want to KNOW, I want SAFETY. I want HEALING.
Right now I haven't filed anything. I do love my husband. I love being married and having a family that's together...but it's not a safe M, it's not healing.
Sorry...ranting...


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Schilling
Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

myperfectlife,

Are you in IC?

Feeling unsafe is a scary place to be. I hope you are taking time for yourself and doing things for yourself and not just your children and your marriage.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Schilling
I was in IC a few months ago and didn't like her much, I have a new IC appt next week with our MC.
I am able to get out of bed and interact, just some days I am so exhausted. I am not that type of person at all so it's been strange for me to have those feelings. I am no longer using the sleeping pills either and have slept well recently.
The food/weight thing, I am trying to not lose anymore.
One day at a time...
Sorry for the t/j.

[This message edited by myperfectlife at 2:37 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

I also chose to stay. Hope was my biggest ally. I am running out of hope. HE may not have had any more A's but he can't seem to let go of the one he had. If the subject comes up, he defends her, his a, everything but me.

I am back to considering a D. I just have to really think long and hard about it. so far three years has not been enough time.


Me

Posts: 787 | Registered: Apr 2010
Schilling
Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

myperfectlife,

How did IC go?

Dallas2,

I am currently considering giving the final ultimatum. I've written out a list of things I need from him, boundaries, transparency etc. I know all too well this won't go over well, but I NEED THIS from him if I want to truly heal and if we want to truly move on with our lives to a better future.

My gut is telling me he will choose to leave the relationship when faced with such change, but this is what I need to do for myself, as scary as it is.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
3Xthefool
Member
Member # 40113
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Why do I stay?

I know exactly why I stay: to put it bluntly.....fear

1. Fear of never being able to be a father because at the age of 48 I'm too old now to date any woman young enough to be interested in having kids. (WW is 39 and still expresses that she wants to have children but time is running out.)

2. Fear of being on my own and finally realizing that I stand no chance of ever finding love again. Even in the best of situations it is so damn hard to find someone compatible and who finds you compatible as well. And even if you do find someone, chances are that the slightest hiccup or bump in the road will cause them to end it and put me back at square one and still trying to find someone.

3. Lastly, fear that I am unworthy of being loved by anyone. Right now my self esteem is non-existent and my belief is that I am now an unattractive, out-of-shape old geezer even after spending the last 10months working out at the gym and working on self improvement. My WW expresses how I've gotten to be an "Abercrombie & Fitch" type physique.....but I put that in the same bucket as all her lies and secrets and assume its all a bunch of hooey. Because if I'm so damn attractive, why did she still have to get her "fix" with OM the first chance she had when I was away for work?

sorry for ranting.


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New York City
madsadalone
Member
Member # 39201
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Fear for me as well.


Me: BS 46
Him:WH 54
M: 26 yrs
DD 4/29/13
3 kids (25,23,22)

"The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that
they have a greater capacity to diminish us than
exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation


Posts: 80 | Registered: May 2013
Schilling
Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

3Xthefool,

I feel the same way and I will agree that a lot of it is fear.

For me, it is also fear of giving up. I've never given up on anything.

My dad was also a cheater, and my mom left him. As an adult, I fear and see the pain in him for his blindness and mistakes. I see a lot of my father in my partner (cliche) and I have stupid hope that my partner will Wake Up and realize things before it's too late.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
itsovernow
Member
Member # 35587
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, August 5th (Monday)

Oh wow! I'm glad I found this topic. I always respect others opinions when others here have told me to run, but there are reasons I'm not running, at least not right now. I'm glad I found this. Now I can express some of the reasons I'm staying. I don't have a ton of time right now since I have little ones but hopefully later on I'll come back on and find some people to talk to. I just wanted to say Hello.


feeling like I'm going crazy.
me 35
dh(wondering if he really wandered) 40
5 kids between us ages 1-17

Posts: 123 | Registered: May 2012 | From: crazyville
mychild
Member
Member # 40186
What?  Posted: 12:59 PM, August 5th (Monday)

"Why do I stay?
I know exactly why I stay: to put it bluntly.....fear

1. Fear of never being able to be a father because at the age of 48 I'm too old now to date any woman young enough to be interested in having kids. (WW is 39 and still expresses that she wants to have children but time is running out.)"

Hi 3X:

I'm so glad to see so many men on this forum - not glad you have to be here, but glad you are on the forum for comfort.

This is my first post here, so I wanted to contact you first because of the child issue. I had my only child at 44 and she is everything. My H has cheated on me throughout our whole history together 20+ years. I just found out last year - because - he did it during work hours so I would never find out.

Anyway = I married a real JERK to put it lightly. BUT my child is the best child in the whole universe - period. God or whoever decided that if I was going to get the best child in the whole universe I would have to give something up - what I thought was a good husband. Really. That is how I see it now. I love my child so much. Everyone who meets her loves her. Everywhere I go people honestly flock to see her. I feel like I am a body guard to a rock star.

Why am I telling you this? Because if you really want a baby - do it now! You can have the child and life of your dreams. You are getting old - yes, you are - not old as in dead, but old as in parenting. Children want young parents and the older you get and wait the more you will wish you had them years ago. I am now getting in the best shape of my life and people always think I am in my early to mid thirties! So get that woman pregnant now - and just maybe with therapy and even hypnotism (yes I just started and now my Jerk wants to do it) and couples therapy and treating her like a queen and yet giving her the 180 and her seeing you as someone who is so wonderful yet can leave at anytime will make her want to finally become a good human with great character.

My child was not enough for my husband to change. But losing her and me full time finally got him to change. He goes to counseling 1 X a week plus 2 twelve steps once a week.

She will only change when you decide that you don't need her - YET - you have to hang in there (without her knowing it), get her pregnant, get her eating well, get her happy (she is terribly unhappy if she is cheating), etc. and the way to do that is again to be prince charming at all times yet not rely upon her for your happiness. Keep sexy - she notices, trust me. Keep happy, she notices, trust me. Exude sexiness and other women will notice - but don't let it go to your head - they may be just as miserable as the devil you know or worse.

Keep your head high. You may just get the rockstar child I have in the end and really that sounds what you really want. She makes me so happy. She makes my husband so happy. But he was the jerk. Yes, I'm staying for her. But if he wasn't doing the work I would not stay for her.

I hope this gives you some uplift!

[This message edited by mychild at 9:40 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2013
mychild
Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Itsovernow:

"Oh wow! I'm glad I found this topic. I always respect others opinions when others here have told me to run, but there are reasons I'm not running, at least not right now. I'm glad I found this. Now I can express some of the reasons I'm staying. I don't have a ton of time right now since I have little ones but hopefully later on I'll come back on and find some people to talk to. I just wanted to say Hello. "

Dear Itsovernow:

I'm glad you are here too - not because you have been betrayed - but because we all need support in this very common and unspoken part of relationships.

What I do like about this forum is that there is so much more support than some other forums - can I mention one? Sorry if I'm not supposed to. When I was going through the first few months of hell, I came upon talk about marriage and found the coping with infidelity. Well, I thought the sub forum "coping with infidelity" meant that people were actually coping with infidelity. What I found instead and what worsened my already complete PST TRAUMA with all caps is that I was attacked for staying.

Can I believe that? Can you believe that? How can someone who has chosen to stay either out of necessity or other reasons be so unrelentlessly attacked. Shouldn't there be support? Should we be there holding each others hands even if we decide that there husband is a jerk or worse? Yes, I do believe we should be able to attack the betrayer - up and down - but not the betrayed upon.

So I can't wait until you post, as you actually sound like you need to post - not just rant about how everyone should leave their S.O. or spouse because they cheated. Well, duh, we don't need to be told that, we feel it. Everyone feels that. Duh. Doesn't need rocket science to say what we feel - like ya, if I didn't have love for the betrayer, if I didn't rely upon the betrayer, if he wasn't the only family I ever felt I had, if she didn't have my children and was a great mom, just a bad wife, if, if, if.

So that is why we stay. We already know the world wants us to leave...and, like why? Why do they want us to leave so badly? What's in it for them? To meet these betrayers and date them or something? Because for every betrayed that leaves a betrayer - they are still out there - the same person and will probably continue the same behavior unless they get a lot of help.

[This message edited by mychild at 1:15 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2013
sparklezombie
Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I'm glad I found this topic. I honestly am finding it hard to stay. WH has been unfaithful for most of our 11 year marriage. I believe he recently was unfaithful on his last business trip this month. He says nothing happened, but I don't believe it. He won't come clean, he won't own up and admit everything he has done.

Our pattern is that he gets unhappy (because I don't listen, don't appreciate him, don't have sex enough, etc.), then he goes online to a dating site or sex site or affair site, messes around and eventually finds someone to sleep with. I find out, he admits to the bare minimum he can get away with and we "move on" until the next storm blows through (when I find more crap).

I confronted him last night about the most recent cheating. He swears nothing happened - just drinks, no sex. Still cheating in my book. He also was crying, saying we haven't worked on our marriage enough, we can make it work, he doesn't want to be an EOW dad, he just wants me to listen to him, and if I leave I won't be moving back in (I told him I was moving out).

So I don't really know what to do But honest I don't see a good reason to stay. I don't see him being truthful and open with me. I don't see him being fully remorseful. I know he doesn't like our marriage being the way it is, but I don't know that he's open to really making the personal changes necessary to make it work. I also think he still blames me for most of our issues, including his cheating, which is not okay. So to stay or to go? That is the eternal question...


BS: Me
WH: Husband
Married 11.5 years
Two false R's.
Status: R, I guess. Trying to find the path of least regret...

Posts: 219 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
mychild
Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

SparkleZombie:

Unless he fully discloses - there is no hope, honestly. My H cheated on for over 25 years - because I did not know, so therefore he didn't have to be honest so therefore he continued his fun lifestyle - to men, see, having sex is really fun - maybe there are men out there that say only sex with their wives or girlfriends is fun - but to cheaters, the sex outside of marriage is really, really fun. They do it because they really, really enjoy it. Some say they felt shame. Really? Shame? Or is it that they don't like that they are being questioned and think that the bad feelings are shame and they don't really understand feelings, so therefore any non sexual good feelings must be shame or something. I really believe that cheaters are so not in touch with their own feelings and emotions that they confuse everything and do not even know their own truth. All they know is that they want what they want and then do it. Ask a 2 year old or a 5 year old why they do what they do. They cannot explain it - they just do it. And that to me is where cheaters are - they do it because they do it because they want to do it because they like to do it and that's it.

So why would they stop doing something that is so enjoyable to them? If there is no accountability - they don't stop. My H just last night - after a year of trickle truth and him going to counseling and men's groups finally confessed after I asked him for a year now, what he feels sometimes when he passes by massage parlors - his favorite acting out places. He told me all this time that nothing ever crosses him mind or that the only thing he thinks of is the devastation he has created. Now, last night, he finally said that he does wonder what it would be like in those places - if it would be like in the places he used to go to.

So there you go - it never stops. I'm still here. I still have the best child in the world. But I am married to the worst jerk. He can't even admit to me a feeling - a true feeling. He still lies. Even about feelings - to this day - after a year of therapy and a year of seeing me destroyed day after day after day. Unfortunately my daughter has witnessed some occassions, so he even sees what it does to her. But instead of coming completely clean about his true feelings - he has lied. How if he can't come clean about his thoughts - how can he come clean if he cheats again - which he has stated to me that he wrote in an agreement that even before he would cheat he would call me so that I could go to a lawyer and start the proceedings. But - he lied for a year about even his thoughts.

So I'm telling you - your husband cannot ever come clean to you - unless he goes to intensive therapy - it sounds like. Do you have any savings? Do you really want to stay married to him? If you do - look up sites like Stop Sex Addiction - by Milton Magness just to mention one. Here in SoCal there are several sex addiction clinics.

Look up Inst. of Sexual Health in LA. There are at least 5 others in LA alone. MN has some. Texas has several. There are several in many states.

He will continue to lie and act out because that is what he wants to do and will do it no matter what because he has not come clean to you. Only when he has come completely clean and told you his whole history - a complete disclosure with dates, what he did, who he did it with, what he did on the computer, what he did sexually, what strip joints he went to and how many times, what peep shows he went to and how many times, how much money he spent on each trip of his acting, how many times he has been with 2 women or 2 men or 1 and 1 or 4 somesomes or whatever he has done.

Mine liked one on one. That was his thing. Loved the perfect body and perfect faces of beautiful young sex workers - I'm almost 50.

It's hard - but what you are going through now is worse. If he cannot go to an intensive - then there is no way he can really be helped. An intensive, I feel, is what he needs. My husband could not go to an intensive because we owed a lot of money to lawyers and etc and yet the director of ISH still said to him - lose your house then. That is how far he has to go, Zombie. If you want him to stay with you and really change - he has to lose it all. That means you, any children, his house, for total treatment or you will be in this hell - of him cheating and you knowing nothing forever until you suffer in health or whatever.

Just my dollar's worth. I've read tons of books. I've talked with several counselors. I've gone to many sanon and cosa meetings. I've done research. The only thing I haven't done is get my sex addiction degree.... So that's my advice to you. If you want to save your marriage as it sounds like you do - you must be willing to lose it.

Good luck and keep posting.

[This message edited by mychild at 1:21 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I like this thread. My friends and family are no longer interested in listening to me...I get a. Either shit or get off the pot look.

Why do I stay?
I've lived my life fear based. Afraid to.take chances, afraid of failing.

He's all I know. I've been with him since hi school and try to see a future without him...but I can't

During the beginning of A, I was also dealing with DS heroin addiction. For 8 yrs I have been afraid my son would die plus had a ws that not only didn't help me with DS, but chose to check out and check in with ow.
So in a nutshell, I'm.exhausted. I'm broke, I'm tired and not yet ready for another endeavor.

I might still love him. I care about him. I pity him. I want him to be a better man, before I hate his guts and
its too late.

I have RA..my treatment is thousands of $ every other month and without his insurance, I would not be able to pay for it.

This is the biggie...this is no longer about him. I can't blame him. I had a choice and I.let him stay. I could have him leave any time I want but I don't. So I need to figure out WHY I let someone continue to disrespect me by having ow and STILL make him dinner every night. I have to work on myself and until I figure me out, he may as well be here.
I'm happy I found this thread though...really


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates
Status..%&$#@?$

Posts: 3946 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

I'm glad I found this thread too. I feel like no one supports my decision to stay. Everyone (family, friends, MC, IC, SI) tells me to leave. I came to SI for advice on how to make it work though, because I didn't want to leave. It seems like the common response is always that I don't respect myself for staying. I've heard it so many times that I'm starting to question whether I do respect myself.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 731 | Registered: Jul 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Lonelygirl...I hear ya on that. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people that just flip out and demand answers.....but I'm not. Always afraid of making a mistake.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates
Status..%&$#@?$

Posts: 3946 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
ArableSands
Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

I have a thousand reasons to stay, and exactly one reason to leave. Some days, that reason is just about enough to surmount the 1000 others. But I'm only 5 weeks out and we're in MC.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
ArableSands
Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Lonelygirl110

Only you can decide if you want to stay or not. If you do stay, you are giving your cheating spouse an incredible gift, a second chance at trust and a loving marriage.

If he doesn't see that gift for what it is, you DO need to leave.

Your family and friends are not you. They don't suffer like you do every day. They don't feel what's on the line. You do. You make your own decisions. It's your life. I'm a stranger to you, but I support you.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
lovehatelove
Member
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, February 24th (Monday)

I wanna leave.. divorce is my ultimate goal.. I feel like I don't have a reason to stay... I don't like my WH.. I hate him.. I depise him.. I want him to hurt.. I want him to feel pain.. I want him to feel the hurt that I feel....

I constantly belittle him.. I constantly make him feel like shit for what he did... I don't know how else to treat someone I hate

I feel like he deserves everything I throw at him......

I trusted him when he said he would never cheat.. I trusted him when he said cheating is something that he will NEVER do.. I wholeheartedly believed him!!!!!

and now I'm a fool.....

[This message edited by lovehatelove at 12:23 AM, February 24th (Monday)]


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
joannie
Member
Member # 42486
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, February 27th (Thursday)

I stay. friends are fed up with hearing me harp on about it, I stay because its all I know 34 yeras is a long time , but most i still love him and don't want to be without him, makes me feel ill to think it could still happen. I stay so we may work it out, i let hi get away with contact with the OW, why am scared to push him about it.
I stay so maybe i should shut up and except my lot in life !
I stay as I must be mad


me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren

Posts: 118 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France
cvs2kkids
Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, February 28th (Friday)

I have a thousand reasons to stay, and exactly one reason to leave. Some days, that reason is just about enough to surmount the 1000 others. But I'm only 5 weeks out and we're in MC.

Bingo AS.

An A may be a deal breaker for some, but I believe you ave to balance it off with the good of the relationship.

I'm not saying this applies to serial cheaters, abusers, etc..but sex and intimacy are a small part of a relationship (probably occupies less than 1/24 of a day or 4%).

I'm not trying to minimize anything. I'm just saying if you look at the bigger picture, it may make the path to healing easier, at least in a Vulcan like, logical sense.

People fail. A are a huge failure, but shouldn't define the person.


Me: BH (43) Her FWW 41

DDay: Christmas Time 2012

In Home separation for a year, S for 3 months.now back together and healing

She has childhood issues that she only began to address after the affair.

R'ing going very well


Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
msmaggiemags
Member
Member # 7484
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)

I am so happy that I found this. I was just getting ready to say goodbye to SI because I felt like anything I would post would be hit with a 2 x 4, not that there hasn't been great advice and some helpful PM's.
My story is long. But my H has been a cheater for our whole lives together. And that is almost 13 years. He cheated when we were dating and he has cheated at least twice that I know of since we have been married. He has had several EA's and some pornographic photo exchanges with friends, and even proposed M! So I am crazy for being with him I know that, the world knows that but here I am! We have two kiddos, and we have a house, three cars, etc. I am in school and have one more year to go for my degree, and then maybe I will leave?? I am not happy, I am not in love, I am just MEH He probably will never change, says he sorry, acts remorseful for while, or until he finds his next victim. I even filed for D this last dday and never ever served him papers, just told him about it. SO basically I am a doormat.


Me 42
Wh 36
Ds 11
Dd 7
Dday 6/19/2005, LTA and Oral pleasures, dday#2 Jan/2011 EA, dday #3 Nov/2013 pornographic pics of "friends"
Not sure if this is R or not...!

Posts: 257 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Michigan
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)

I just saw this thread. Wow. Nice. Thank you.

I posted about my reasons for staying allot in the menz thread yesterday. Not sure I want to go through all that again today.

Initially after Dday I stayed because I did not want OM to be involved in raising my kids. I see stories in the news all the time about a boyfriend abusing or even killing a womans children. The father is out of the picture and this new man abuses his kids.

Who would put their kids at risk? Isnt our happiness of less importance than the safety of our kids?

My other reason for staying was financial. I come from a poverty stricken youth. Foster care. Living on the streets at times. Ive gone through some horrific times when I was young and poor and on my own. Because of that I have a huge fear of being poor again. This is not a fear like of spiders or snakes. Poverty terrifies me.

Because of this terror I have worked really hard to achieve a financial well being that is beyond anything I dreamed of as a child. I have sacrificed a lot for the stability and safety than money brings. In truth though I have to confess that I believe my fear of poverty probably contributed allot to the poor state of my M.

If I were to D my WW she would get 50%+ of what I worked for. AND I would have to pay her alimony. First of all this seems like she is getting rewarded for cheating on me. That bothers me.

There I was working like crazy and also 50%+ taking care of the kids and getting by on 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night. And there she was seeing OM during the days and taking care of the kids in the evening AND also taking vacations with OM while I handled everything at home 100%. Vacations I paid for. So how is she justified in taking half of everything I have? And how is it fair that I would have to pay her alimony?

Add to this a promise made by WW right after Dday. She said that if I D her she would do everything she could to ruin me financially. She would drag everything through the courts. She said *the only ones benefiting from our D will be the lawyers.* She would do everything she could to leave me destitute. This is no bluff. She is a vindictive angry person who would burn everything up and laugh even if she were consumed in the flames as well.

And of course my vision of what her threat means to me is right back on the street again like I was when I was a child. And so I stay.

Maybe its fear that keeps all of us in our M?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3068 | Registered: Sep 2007
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)

Fear, maybe be one reason. I want to stay, because I do love her, and want to be with her. I also want to be the only father to my children, no one else.

I also, think, I wouldn't want to start over with anyone else after this. The world has not become even more unsafe to me when facing infidelity. Yes, I have trust issues now, even though I am working to let myself be open and vulnerable again but it is hard.

We haven't chose R yet, and it's driven me crazy, and people say do the 180 and file for D. I see no benefit honestly from either. It's like a scare tactic. I get the 180 is for me and to benefit myself, but my situations is so different.

I acted out in porn, she retaliated with an affair multiple times. This has been on going for the whole marriage basically.

We have some tough decisions to make, but I have been working on myself and I am proud to say I will be 4 years sober from porn.

I really want to do good by my family... it's just a lot to process. And telling me to run, or do this and that, doesn't really help.


ME: BH/30, HER: WW/28 DD: 3
Dday1= Before we were married ***kissed another guy at church***
Dday2= 10/29/2010 ***Kissing my relative***
Dday3 = 10/26/2013 ***confessed because she got caught by OMW***
Dday4 = 12/3/2013 ***Confessed she had sex w

Posts: 569 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
thecosmogirl
Member
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, March 17th (Monday)

I think I have no reason to stay. We have no children together. Unless you count the dogs, cats and horses
The only thing that worries me is my health, which has been bad for years now. And now that I think about it, I've had nothing but bad luck with broken bones and illnesses since I've met WH....and part of me thinks being sick was why/how he cheated. So when I have really bad days, I get VERY depressed. Because I was home so much and couldn't go out to dinner or whatever, he stayed more "at work" aka cheating.
Now, I'm still sick but, try like hell to go to work (we own a business) and part of that is because a lot of his cheating was done right in our building with employees. So, just because he is at work does not make me feel like he is still not cheating.
On days like today where I made it in but, can not take it and have to come back home, I feel that he is planning again.
And, he shows very little empathy for my issues. It's almost like he is waiting for me to actually die. Then he can be the ever mourning Widower. Really, I can see him playing up that role to it's fullest.
We have horrible insurance. He can find thousands of dollars to send me out of town for a week so he can not only spend more time cheating but, that's when he brought one into our home and bed. But, "we can't afford" one of the surgeries my doctor told me I needed.
I could leave. My ex-husband asked me to come home...which in itself is weird. He was a serial cheater and by far worse than my WH. But, he has great insurance and would get me to the best doctors. Sometimes, I actually think about doing this if only for my health.
My heart will never be fixed.


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
ItllGetBetter
New Member
Member # 42776
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, March 17th (Monday)

I stayed. And stayed and stayed. My WH and STBX has staked his claim in OUR bedroom, you know the one...where we shared our lives, where I nursed our children...and I am down on the couch, like I am the one who blew up our family. His take on it? "You are welcome to sleep here. I didn't tell you to leave". Eww. He's for chrissakes.
i think I kept (well, keep) looking for remorse from him, an inkling, maybe, that he at least would prefer we stay together. Perhaps that he would just SEE me, 30 years together, my soul mate, blah blah blah. I feel equal parts humiliated, hurt beyond words,absolutely more furious than i ever thought possible.But his idea of together and mine are 2 different things. The object of his affection is still very much here -- they are partners in a new business. He made her that before, during, after they 'slipped up". She has been given MY place, in every way, even if it's no longer physical.
I stayed, and will continue to beat myself up until the day I file. Money issues are being taken care of now - that must be first.


Gotta work on this bitter-thing...

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: connecticut
IsthereEVERanend
Member
Member # 42216
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Well, I'm staying. Twenty three years out and at this point leaving would not fix a single thing that still needs fixing.
Sometimes I'm lonely but it could be a lot worse.
I love her unconditionally and I made a commitment forty five years ago and that means something to me at least.
I also believe it now means something to her (fww).
We will be okay with what time WE have left.
Its not what you're envisioned going into this mess that I didn't chose.


Me: Older than dirt
FWW 63
DD 8/1990 She confessed to a 2 month ea/pa
Asked forgiveness but volunteered to leave. No way was I going to give her the boot

The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Utah
Topic Posts: 99