SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Emotional Detachment: What is it? And how is it accomplished?
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 6th (Wednesday)

From experience as a first class codependent I can say for months I struggled in the wake of the infidelity to find a place and way to detach and care for myself. Emotionally detaching from a dead marriage and abusive marriage can be extremely difficult. I heard from many on SI to develop indifference and detach. Learning to detach is vital if you ever hope to regain your health, happiness, sanity and sense of oneself. I believe this is an essential and healthy step in the process of recovery from this trauma.
Emotionally detaching requires that you change many of your attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. Detaching is about disarming your spouseís control over your happiness by eradicating his or her ability to hurt you. Before I began to detach, I needed to change my view and accept the following:

1. Love does not conquer all. What we have experienced through a relationship involving infidelity isnít love; itís abuse. You can love and let go, you can love and protect yourself.

2. You canít fix or rescue someone from being abusive, sick, dysfunctional and lost in their own highly distorted reality. In fact, trying to rescue usually backfires and hurts you. The more you try to rescue, the more you will be hurt and emotionally abused.

3. This was really hard for me to get, but there is truth in this. You give your spouse the power to hurt you. When I finally detached her actions reflected her, hurt her, were not a reflection of me, or hurt me anymore.

4. Youíre not responsible for your spouseís happiness, failures, shortcomings or bad behaviors.

5. Continuing to hope for the best from someone who consistently gives you the worst is a set-up for more pain and disillusionment.
Thereís no shame in admitting that you need to walk away from a relationship thatís destructive and toxic. Itís vital that you begin to develop a rational perspective and distance yourself from an ongoing hurtful relationship that you can neither control nor change. Many people remain in abusive relationships well beyond a point of personal pain and devastation that defies reason. You need to come back to your senses and see your partner for who she is and your part in it.


Here are some detachment techniques that worked for me:

1. I focused on being solely responsible for my own well-being and happiness. I would catch myself when you begin to have thought that centered on her, ďIf only she could . . . If only she would . . .Ē and knock it off. Coulda, woulda, shoulda is the language of codependency and hurt. This mindset keeps you in a beaten down phase and makes it easier for an abusive spouse to control you. Take back the control by meeting your own needs by making different choices and acting on them. By focusing inward for solutions and happiness I would focus on what I needed to be happy and protected in those moments. I found those thoughts were tied to my feelings of doubt in myself and reoriented my focus back to me and what I needed in that moment.

2. I worked on accepting that I canít fix, change, rescue, save, make someone else happy or love someone enough to make them whole. Donít just pay lip service to this. Really wrap your brain around the fact that as long as youíre in a dysfunctional relationship, no matter what you do, it will never be good enough. Understand that no matter how much you do for your spouse; they will always expect and demand more. Acknowledge that the more you appease, compromise and forgo your own needs; the more entitled, demanding and ungrateful theyíll be. I know for many of us we gave so much that it allowed the abuse, in fact set the selfish entitled mentality of our spouses to go unchecked.

3.I had to eliminate the emotional and mental hooks to my spouse or marriage. A hook is typically an emotional, psychological or physical stake that you have in the other person or the relationship. For example, for me GUILT is a big hook that kept me mentally connected to the relationship. I had many thoughts of ďIíd feel guilty if I left because of its impact on my son etc.Ē Other hooks include shame (e.g., of failing or not being strong enough), loss of status (e.g., being perceived as a nice or good guy), loss of material assets or access to children, perfectionism and your own need to control others, situations and outcomes. Once you can step back and let go of these notions and outcomes you realize they are false notions and only serve to provide power to a dysfunctional relationship. Fact is we can all have healthy relationships and lives without these hooks, they serve as heavy anchors that tie us to a poor relationship.

4. I had to focus on ďDOINGĒ for myself. Do something that removes you from the abuse and centers you. Meditate, exercise, read, walk, or whatever your version of centering is. Create pockets of sanity and safety with friends and family or physical spaces like your office, the gym. Find activities that will take you out of the line of fire and minimize your exposure to the abuse. Find a hobby or activity that makes you feel good about yourself and restores your confidence and esteem.

These are a few of my detaching strategies, Do any of the vets have others? I know this was a hard concept to grasp let alone enact in the wake of the infidelity. I hope this helps others focus on a few things or ideas that might help.
LHAP?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
UR_AN_IDIOT
Member
Member # 18764
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, June 6th (Wednesday)

Good information.


Me:BW 48
FWH: 50

Married 25 years
DD 23 DS 21
Reconciled


Posts: 12696 | Registered: Mar 2008
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 6th (Wednesday)

This is wonderful, thank you.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6565 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
BelleStar
Member
Member # 13515
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 6th (Wednesday)

Great post! It really spoke to me and my need to emotionally detach.

I remember a line from a movie where the young girl finally figures things out and tells the goblin king who is begging her to believe in him and do as he says and she looks at him and says "You have no power over me" and his world shatters.

I want to figure all this out and be able to look at him and realize he really doesn't have any power over me and tell him so!


Posts: 1127 | Registered: Feb 2007
2oldforthis
Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 6th (Wednesday)

This is a very good post.

and at times it is totally necessary to save yourself from more hurt.

and thank you!

[This message edited by 2oldforthis at 3:04 PM, June 6th (Wednesday)]


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1635 | Registered: Jun 2008
beachbunny
Member
Member # 35476
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, June 6th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much, I cried as I read this. This is me. I tried so hard, I'm glad I did, I worked on myself relentlessly, which ended up shoring up my self esteem, but of course, fixing "me" doesn't fix WH or my marriage.

It has taken me all of my 41 years to get to the point of accepting things & grieving relationships that are unhealthy. It hurts so much when you try so hard & you love someone so much, but you have to let them go because they are just constantly hurting you...both intentionally & not...


BS/WW: Me 43 WH/BH: Him 45 (badchoice)
Me: EA/PA 1997 DDay 5/99 (see profile)
Him: See his profile-15/16 y LTA
2DS:5 & 11 my loves
You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2012
Betrayed60453
Member
Member # 34922
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, June 6th (Wednesday)

Well said. Affairs are abusive and You can't fix someone. If you don't get hurt more, they just push you further away as they struggle with reality, a struggle made exponentially worse by the people they surround themselves with who explicitly or implicitly condone that warped version of reality they're trapped in.

#5 in the first group reminds me of the saying, "insanity is doing the same thing & expecting different results.". That's why I sister MC...obviously didn't work the first time.

Of your recommendations, #s2 & 4 hit home for me. The more I gave the less she did, which in turn made it easier to detach. As for 4, you're right on...find something you love, maybe something you couldn't do during the relationship and pursue it...an old hobby, a new one, just anything that is for you. So many of us BSs are givers & fixers it feels odd at first, but you need something for you.


Me: BH 40, Her: WW 30, 8 year old son
DDay #1: 2/10/05
DDay #2: 9/15/11

"You could stand me up at the gates of Hell but I won't back down"


Posts: 367 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Chicago
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 7th (Thursday)

I REALLY think this should be in the Healing Library!
You may want to ask one of the mods about it.

Posts: 2478 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 7th (Thursday)

Exit,
I apprecite that. It's something many of us struggle with but really never discuss the how. I was hoping by starting this with my ruminations other veteran SI posters might add their methods that worked to help detach as well. That way we can help those with ideas that worked for us.
LHAP?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, June 8th (Friday)

LHAP, thanks, I know it helped me tremendously!

Posts: 2478 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Heavy Sigh
Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, June 8th (Friday)

I agree that No. 2 and No. 4 are the main points.

No. 2: Let go of the outcome. Set your sails in the right direction but stop baling water out of the boat to save it, when you're the only one trying.

No.4: My analogy: Put on your life jacket and put life jackets on the kids. Do things for yourself and the kids, and plan for what is best for them if the worst happens in the marriage. Either the WS starts baling the water out of a sinking marriage, or doesn't, but you'll survive and you'll have the kids' backs.

Action for oneself (the No. 4, expecially) helps with detaching. Pushing a WS and begging and pleading and waiting for change fuels obsession and isn't healthy for a BS.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:43 AM, June 8th (Friday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
TellitLikeItIs
Member
Member # 33737
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, June 8th (Friday)

Thank you ... I REALLY needed this today. You reminded me of why I'm trying so hard to change my unhealthy thought patterns and behaviours centered around "saving", fixing and hoping.
I'm printing this off and carrying it around with me so that I stay strong and focused on my commitment to myself this time around!


Me: BS youthful 51
Him: skittle shitting unicorn 54
Married: 14 years
Blended family: 6 kids: 30,25,25,23,21,11
D-day: June 22 2011
living with trickle truth and too many D-days to count
Looks like R may be "real" this time around ...


Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Canada
used2bestrong
Member
Member # 34372
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, June 8th (Friday)

Thanks, lordhasaplan. Great thoughts. I think that time spent with an unremorseful WS also helps with detachment. It has with me. I see who he really is more clearly now and I know that I don't want to be with the kind of person who could hurt me so deeply and not give a damn.


BS - me
WS - husband
4 children - all teens
D-day 6/15/11.

Posts: 599 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Ohio
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 8th (Friday)

You feel out of control because of your spouse's behavior so you try to control your spouse... but you can only control yourself. Realizing this helps.

Living in the moment. The past is over. The future may not come...

Realize that your spouse has the right to be whoever they want to be -- and you have the right to disapprove and do something about your disapproval.

Be gentle with yourself and know it takes time and you will not succeed every moment of every day.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 11th (Monday)

I think that time spent with an unremorseful WS also helps with detachment.

No doubt, I think it accelerates you ability to lock into yourself. Focus on your needs and allows you to see them for the hurtful persons they are.

Living in the moment. The past is over. The future may not come...

Amen, very hard to do for me for about 9 months. Focus on the moment, whatís to be enjoyed there, how this present focus changes your ability to enjoy life again is immeasurable.
LHAP?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, June 11th (Monday)

lhap, this is a most helpful post. It sums up the process of detachment quite well.
My favorite part, that spoke to me:
By focusing inward for solutions and happiness I would focus on what I needed to be happy and protected in those moments. I found those thoughts were tied to my feelings of doubt in myself and reoriented my focus back to me and what I needed in that moment.

I found those feelings- of trying to find me & my happiness - tied to fear.
& that goes to an additional 'mental hook' (#3)
- of loneliness
- will I find another?
Also, not as much in my sitch, but another common 'fear hook' is fear of losing
- children
- possessions (houses, cars, insurance, retirement, etc.)

I love how your post has the overall theme of focusing within. Especially in abusive relationships, we are trained to focus and tend to the others needs & neglect our own, and the process of detachment can be hard, but finally focusing within is well worth it!
When you let go of the outcome; changing, fixing, managing, and constant drama-juggling,
it leads to a quiet, peaceful, and happy income.

The only other strategy I can think of is build one of those ginormous catapults and hurl your abuser into the next time zone.


Posts: 6430 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 11th (Monday)

The only other strategy I can think of is build one of those ginormous catapults and hurl your abuser into the next time zone.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
trebleclef
Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 11th (Monday)

Thankyou! Very valuable and timely! Was just discussing this last night - IC mentioned pre-planning a deliberate change of focus onto something else that is important to you when grabbed by thoughts of WS. Eg - " How could WS do this to me?" = signal to pray for ailing father. Says it worked for her when trying to disengage from a relationship with a child predator. Worth trying.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
takingtime
Member
Member # 35661
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, June 11th (Monday)

Great post. I really needed this right now. My WS is still in his "fog" and I have been trying to 180 but I have fallen so many times. Anytime he has seemed to give even a tiny bit I have fallen for it only to be hurt again. I will read this and read this until I am able to really emotionally detach myself. I do have to realize that I cannot fix my WS I can only fix myself. Thank you so much for such a great post!

Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2012
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, June 12th (Tuesday)

Excellent post, lhap.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7784 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, June 14th (Thursday)

Bump for RIP


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 19th (Tuesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lovinggrace
Member
Member # 12267
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 19th (Tuesday)

Detachment is so important, but, like a previous poster said, its very easy to slip back into investment when the other partner shows the slightest improvement.

LG


BS~45 FWH~44(oneluv)
Dday~12/03 R~10/04 False R...D-day 8/23/2011
I'm putting on the full armor of God! (Eph 6:11)

Posts: 938 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Native Texan in Tenneessee
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, June 19th (Tuesday)

This is excellent. I'd like to share it with my Divorce Care classmates if that's okay with you. I think that these points apply whether infidelity has rocked your M or some other issue.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3543 | Registered: Oct 2011
takingtime
Member
Member # 35661
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)

This really hit home. I must remember all of this each time i feel myself slipping. Too many times i have given in when my WS shows the slightest bit of remourse only to be hurt yet again when he can't decide.

Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2012
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)

Trying again, feel free to take to group. I hope it helps


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, June 28th (Thursday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
rainbow123
Member
Member # 12329
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, June 28th (Thursday)

This is really positive.

A new hobby with new friends who are not part of the past (as well as those who are) and safe places (my bed with books, radio and so on being one) really help me.

I like to know there are things I can rely on that nobody can take away from me. Like my bed. My cat. When he dies there will be another cat. That's in my control. And so on.

I don't need him any more. I have rebuilt my world without him in it and it's good, it's solid an it's mine.

Was still a bit of a bummer when he 'accidentally' sent a text clearly meant for a woman to me the other night but even so!


BS,50, WH 49. Dday number one 01 July 06, followed by dozens more. No remorse. Divorced 08.

Badly scarred but doing OK. Possibly better than he is.

"It will be alright in the end. And if it's not alright, it's not the end."


Posts: 483 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: UK
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, July 4th (Wednesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, July 5th (Thursday)

My jaw just hit the floor...this post is screaming at me. I tried to do more for ws....never enough. I have a lot of guilt over covering for my addict son...that ones a doozy. I couldn't confide in ws cuz he would say horrible things to ds so I lied and covered for him, financially. That is one of my biggest guilts. This is so helpful. Thank you

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:54 AM, July 5th (Thursday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4741 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 16th (Monday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, July 16th (Monday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
Giordano101
New Member
Member # 36264
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 26th (Thursday)

Dear Lordhasaplan?,

I'm a BS and just wanted to say "Thank You, Thank You" for this truly amazing post. Number 2 and Number 5 have been eyeopener.

Thanks!!!!!!!


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2012
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, August 2nd (Thursday)

Wow we need a bump of detachment!


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, August 11th (Saturday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 11th (Saturday)

Detachment is so important, but, like a previous poster said, its very easy to slip back into investment when the other partner shows the slightest improvement

This really said it all for me, too.

....I think when this happens, we have to remember to forgive ourselves(that's part of loving ourselves, right?), dig deep for our strength.... It's there, even if it doesn't feel like it---God knows it doesn't feel like it now for me-- and try to detach again. I think.


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
Saragirl
Member
Member # 36417
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, August 11th (Saturday)

Thank you for sharing this, I want to let go but so scared for all the reasons that were said.

But I need to learn how to let go, I am working one step at a time


Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2012
GreenMom
Member
Member # 36385
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, August 16th (Thursday)

Someone just linked me to this post and I wanted to say thank you for sharing it.


DD#1 6/14/12
DD#2 7/29/12
Reconcilation attempt didn't last long...WH moved out 8/10/12
Divorcing... hoping to be done soon
Making a fantastic NB for myself and my family!

Posts: 535 | Registered: Aug 2012
petite71
Member
Member # 36475
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 16th (Thursday)

Thanks for sharing this information!!!


1st DD 03/24/2012 2nd DD 07/13/2012 TT A. in 2002 same girl when we were dating.
Status:Getting Stronger...we can get through this & are healing together
BS(me):41
WS(Husband):40
LTA 10 yrs EA/PA 9 times. friends with benefits.
Us..Together 12 yr

Posts: 125 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 16th (Thursday)

Your welcome! Hope it helps.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 17th (Friday)

Bumping for newbies.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3543 | Registered: Oct 2011
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 28th (Tuesday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
Healingchange
New Member
Member # 36628
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 28th (Tuesday)

I am new to SI but unfortunately have been living with my WH's infidelity for over a year now. It has taken me that long to get to a place where I can even begin to emotionally detach. It is hard but necessary. It truly hit home for me that adultery is a type of abuse.

I realize this thread is for those That Just Found Out but for many of those emotional detachment is going to take some time. It seems there are so many other phases that we, as BSs, have to go through.

My emotional detachment began when I realized, really understood, that I could not change him. I'm not even qualified to deal with his issues. He has to do that himself. All I can do is work on ME.

Taking the focus off him and what he is doing ... and yes, that meant to quit checking on him compulsively. The triggers are still there but I find I can control them more and I don't set myself up to encounter triggers.

I think my biggest fear is that when I do totally achieve emotional detachment I will quit caring about him. I won't love him anymore. Hmmm ... Even to myself, I sound like someone who has been in an abusive relationship. My bruises and scars are on the inside though.

I can see how becoming emotionally detached takes time and effort. As BSs I think we know instictively this must be done to eleminate the power the cheaters have over us. Actually doing it with any measurable results is like watching mud dry on a rainy day! It takes time! With just the baby steps I've taken I can see that it will be time and effort well spent as I continue to heal and grow within myself.

I have focused on doing those things that I find enjoyable to me. I listen to music that I like. I watch TV shows that I like. For once my life is about what I like. This is quite new to me as I have always put him first and he has been more than happy to be in the role of receiver. I am learning to give to myself. Life is now about my happiness ... not his. It's about finding my inner joy which I do not need his permission to do. I do not depend on him in any way to accommodate me or validate me.

Life can and will be good again.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Indiana
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 28th (Tuesday)

Amen! Sounds like your on your way. Don't be afraid that detaching will only separate. Mine has allowed us to move back toward each other, but on more healthy terms.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 1:17 PM, August 28th (Tuesday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, September 14th (Friday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, October 8th (Monday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
vivere
Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, October 8th (Monday)

It's taken the best part of 8 months but this is what I am doing now, without realising it (This is the first time I have read this thread!!).

Each time I feel the emotion getting the better of me I do detach. It helps me to cope. Makes me feel better to remember that I can't control anything but me.

I think my biggest fear is that when I do totally achieve emotional detachment I will quit caring about him.

^^^I was saying this last night. WH saw it as a threat of sorts. It isn't, it's just how I fear it is going to end.


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 314 | Registered: Jan 2012
WallsAreUp
Member
Member # 36821
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, October 9th (Tuesday)

Great post. Very hard sometimes still living with the WS but definitely things that will help.


BH (me) 36
11 year old stepdaughter, 3 year old son
DDay: 9/1/12
Status: Divorced on 1/23/14!

Posts: 66 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Buckeye State
Bravenewgirl
Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday)

bump


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday)

With me, detachment came suddenly, about three months after DD2 (where he confessed to starting things up again with same OW, then literally ran out on me and DS). For three months after that I went through a very dark time of being almost obsessed with him, calling, texting, pleading, begging, abusing... nothing to be proud of. I almost kicked down the door to his new 'lovenest' one day... But I had a guardian angel in my therapist, who encouraged me to find harmless ways of getting out all the rage, terror and grief. And one day, while walking my dogs in a remote area, I just broke down and started screaming at the top of my lungs. When I stopped, I was, literally, free. I'd stopped myself loving him or feeling anything but a desire to divorce him. And I never went back. Not ever.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 842 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday)

Awesome post with excellent information..I have been separated in house for a long time..I have spoken with Lawyers about D which is required to be a no fault one in my state..Because of the financial devastation it would cause me, I haven't pursued D as of yet..
I have been following many of the suggestions listed here in this post and doing so has helped me to survive..

I am about to lose my favorite pocket of safety/ sanity ..Girl time with my sister..

I always look forward to getting together with my sister , this has happened about twice a month, for the last 20 years.. She resides an hour away from me, we always meet downtown, 30 minutes away from home for each of us..
We love to shop, visit art museums, eat dinner together..We look forward to wearing our cute clothes or jewelry that we had made or bought for ourselves during our time apart to show the other while together.. ...
My sister is about to move 800+ miles away in the next few weeks.She and her husband dreamt of retirement in Colorado which is about to come true for her anyway..He husband is still working, his job is based in the location where they are moving to...She will be leaving me and her grown daughter behind when they move
:(
I dream of living in my own place one day. I would love for my new home to be in the same town as my sister's, but I will have to think long and hard about moving so far away from here.. I would be leaving my two beloved grown sons behind...

I need to reengineer my life ASAP, and physically separate from WH...Reconciliation has been off of the table for a long time
For now I feel like my soul is slowly bleeding out :(

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:29 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
Bravenewgirl
Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, October 26th (Friday)

And one day, while walking my dogs in a remote area, I just broke down and started screaming at the top of my lungs. When I stopped, I was, literally, free. I'd stopped myself loving him or feeling anything but a desire to divorce him. And I never went back. Not ever.

Wow. I am going to take my remaining healthy dog to a remote area and hope for the same thing. This is amazing.


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
Bravenewgirl
Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, November 3rd (Saturday)

bump


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, November 3rd (Saturday)

detaching AND stopping caring about the person who's betrayed you are both possible AND healthy. Unless there's the most unbelievable, total turnaround and your spouse/partner is literally crawling with remorse and all over you with love, detaching as much and as fast as possible is your way of taking back your life, your power and your future.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 842 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, November 26th (Monday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, December 10th (Monday)

bumpin'


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, December 24th (Monday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, January 3rd (Thursday)

Bump for newbies.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
anewhaven
Member
Member # 34246
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)

Wait, I'm not sure I understand this: I read somewhere (maybe here?) that there is hope for a marriage when you are sad, and even hope when you are desperately angry, because it shows you still care. But when you 'emotionally detach', that means you have nothing left inside any more and that the marriage is basically unsaveable. Why is it that we want this? I thought detaching meant the very end?

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)

anewheaven,
Emotional detachment is not giving up on the marriage if that is what you choose to do. It is a tool for decreasing codependent behaviors and focusing on the things you can control, YOURSELF. We BS's are very good at accepting that we are the problem, we need to fix things. We need to fix our WSís we carry and accept their issues. NO, you need to find a way to focus on your healing, your feelings, and your health. Only after you are whole can you think about reengaging a healthy relationship and rebuilding a new Marriage. So donít misunderstand the nature of detachment, itís for you. Itís a focus on you. And I personally disagree with your premise that ďhope for a marriage when you are sad, and even hope when you are desperately angry, because it shows you still careĒ Hope doesnít show you still care, hope for an abusive marriage to change or an abusive spouse to chance is codependency. And yes, there is no more abusive decision you could make than to have an affair. It is the most heinous and angry act one could decide to foist on a marriage. I would take many physical attacks from my wife and it would have been hurtful than the decision to cheat and destroy the trust in our marriage. I donít hope for my marriage or wife. I expect things of it, and both parties involved. I donít hope she starts to care, she does or Iím done. I donít hope she continues counseling, I expect to see her going and interacting about it. The only thing that matters is actions and behaviors. Hope is what those who want to relinquish control of their lives do. Donít hope, DO. Actions!


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)

Bumpin' for newbies


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
DL14
Member
Member # 9189
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, January 31st (Thursday)

This could not have come at a better time. Thanks for the 'bump'.
I have been looking for a post like this for months. Hits every angle of what I am dealing with. Thirty years of caring and physical, mental, and emotional support for someone that needs to fix themselves and not drag their closest friend in to their storm.


Me: 50
Her: 49
D-Day 11-15-05
D-Day #2&3 12/2012
Married: 30
Who will care 100 years from now.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Montana
edenrae
New Member
Member # 38308
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, January 31st (Thursday)

Very good and useful article. Thank you.


Me: BGF, 34
Him: XWBF, 34 NPD and compulsive liar
1st DD: Oct 2009. Separated for a while then False R since Sep 2011. 2nd DD: Dec 29th, 2012
Moving on. Every cloud has a silver lining.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

newbees!


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
permanentpain
Member
Member # 38312
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

I needed something like this today. I have been feeling particularly desperate, although I've held the NC for the past couple of days. However, this opened my eyes completely. Thank you,


Me: 32 y/o, student and mom of two of the best kids in the world
Him: 33 y/o scumbag
Divorcing
Feels good to start laughing and feeling better again...

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Island
Heartbrokenjk
Member
Member # 38075
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

2. I worked on accepting that I canít fix, change, rescue, save, make someone else happy or love someone enough to make them whole. Donít just pay lip service to this. Really wrap your brain around the fact that as long as youíre in a dysfunctional relationship, no matter what you do, it will never be good enough. Understand that no matter how much you do for your spouse; they will always expect and demand more. Acknowledge that the more you appease, compromise and forgo your own needs; the more entitled, demanding and ungrateful theyíll be. I know for many of us we gave so much that it allowed the abuse, in fact set the selfish entitled mentality of our spouses to go unchecked.


Wow thank you! This spoke volumes for me as my WH is still making me feel like I'm not doing enough for him and threatening to leave me after he had the A!!!!!!!


BS(me) 31
WS (him) 37
Married 5/5/12
2 children ( both his from previous M )
D DAY 12/30/12
Not sure if we can R


Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ohio
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 1st (Friday)

Weekend Bumps for Newbies


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, March 18th (Monday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

bumper


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

For ((Calikid))


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

Don't know if it will help, but one thing I do is remember the pain and the hurt when the nosalgia or grief (or both) come. It helps to want to protect myself and if my guard has gone down, it helps raise the wall a little bit higher back up.

Another thing I do is try to remind myself a few things, but the biggest one I will add here: he hasn't loved or cared for me for a very, very long time in order to do what he did. I tell myself that I was pining for something dead and someone who couldn't even give the courtesy to be honest about it.

That's one of my values, honesty... so to know that about me is really helpful.

Knowing ourselves and our limits for tolerance is helpful so that we can begin to grow a shell around ourselves with which to avoid future pain and hurt by these people.

I've made soooo much of this whole thing about him that it's time to stop that, according to IC and somehow get to the to-do list about me.

Bringing my mind back into the room or place I'm in can do that, too, as meditation.

There's lots of meditation skills that aren't hard but help, to remain living in the present.

Somewhere I wrote a note on Si about that helping me detatch from Perv and M because it was in the past and not related to today or the present. Sorting out what does matter in regard to today also helps.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
didiknow
New Member
Member # 39410
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Wow, I just read the post on codependency and now this one and they absolutely speak to me. I was definitely codependent.


Me-BH (38)
Her-WW (27)
M Aug 29, 2010
D-day May 25, 2013
A #1 June 2012
A #2 Late 2012-May 2013
No matter what "new" information you find out, it's all just part of the same iceberg, hidden under the surface.

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2013 | From: wa
MissLonelyHeart
New Member
Member # 39460
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

What a great post and thread! I am trouble understanding how to detach at the same time trying to R my marriage. I mean, if you detach, do you still work on the marriage? Do you still sex, cuddle, be there for each other etc? Each time I detach, I cut myself off from him and focus on me and my own healing, but can you do both
simultaneously? I seem to have trouble understanding how to do this while still keeping my own self protected. My story is a complicated one. My H is a SA, in recovery, but no where near being sober in terms of honesty, even with himself. So I have a double dose of trying to keep myself protected, but not wanting to give up on my M yet. Any advice?


ME~BS
HIM~SAWS prostitutes multiple times, who knows what else?
Status~ Changes from day to day in my mind

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2013
eyesrnowopen
Member
Member # 39055
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

This topic could not have come up for me at a better time. My WH and I have been separated since DD. He had multiple OW and significant financial betrayals. I asked him to leave and then became an emotional wreck full of panic, for him to change and come back. He was in IC and claimed NC but IC made him angrier toward me as he is now communicating how unhappy I made him in the M. The more angrier he became, the more pathetic I behaved. I was pleading and emotional, only to have it fall on deaf ears. I finally realized I had to 180 and detach. Now 9 weeks out we just started MC. I am much stronger and although he is saying the right things, I see he does not do the work. He still has an edge to his voice and still says things like "we" need to heal and "we"need to forgive each other. He still manipulates the kids (teens). It infuriates me how he always has to infer my blame. When I am not with him, I am now a calm, stronger person. When I get in front of him in MC I let my guard down and he pushes my buttons. I am definitely in a better place when he is not around. I don't think I could cuddle, kiss, live with him now. That is what I am struggling with, how do I reconnect with him when he is not in true remorse? My detaching has kept me sane.


This is the work within, having control over the outcome of our lives. Robert Bly refers to this as ďWarrior work.Ē A warrior fights for a cause, something he believes in. As opposed to a soldier who merely fights for control Ė power or profit.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2013
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 7th (Friday)

Eyeswide,
I'm on my phone so I hope this makes sence. If there is not true remorse and you know he's still toxic than why would you. Detach, engage when it's healthy. There is a limit to trying to R. If the partner isn't fully engaged or you believe progress isn't being made them its ok to not be "sleeping with the enemy". It sounds like through detaching your finding safety. Work from that place. He should demonstrate he's worth you stepping out of that safe place toward him before you attempt it.
Hope that helps.
LHAP?

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 9:04 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, June 7th (Friday)

Double post

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 9:04 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 7th (Friday)

He still has an edge to his voice and still says things like "we" need to heal and "we"need to forgive each other.

Oh my god, those are the EXACT words my WW has used many times!

"WE need to heal????" "WE need to forgive each other???"

I need to heal because YOU have and are betraying ME! What the hell do you have to heal from???

And what in gods name do YOU need to forgive ME for?? I was not a perfect husband prior to the affair, but I sure have dug deep through IC since D day and have become a changed man--which YOU have a knowledged in amazement. Now it's YOUR turn!

Do they all carry around the same handbook with the same script?

Incredible.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Can I just say I think this can take a LOT of time for some and to be patient.

Honestly, I think I've been detaching from H for 8 years now. His first "betrayal" wasn't and A, it was letting me and our new born son "go" to live with my family while he wallowed in self-pity for a long time. At that point I had to start to learn a lot of this.

Funny though how I've forgotten some of it for this time around and funny how some of it has become so second nature that I do it without thinking. That is a good thing I guess.

I think my big hook is the guilt over what a divorce would do to my son. There's my hang up.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Wow, thank you for taking the time to write this.

Really wrap your brain around the fact that as long as youíre in a dysfunctional relationship, no matter what you do, it will never be good enough. Understand that no matter how much you do for your spouse; they will always expect and demand more. Acknowledge that the more you appease, compromise and forgo your own needs; the more entitled, demanding and ungrateful theyíll be. I know for many of us we gave so much that it allowed the abuse, in fact set the selfish entitled mentality of our spouses to go unchecked.

^^^^ I did this for so long! Protected him.. how wrong I was for doing that!

Thank you!


Separated - working on R

Posts: 451 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
brokenfinger
New Member
Member # 39586
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

Thank you
thank you
thank you
thank you

I needed this today!! I have been wondering all week how to even start this process, some days seem easier then others.


There is no stronger message, then dirt in your face.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
laney57
Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, July 8th (Monday)

I have just started to read your post again after failing miserably on the 180. Thank you, just thank you all for your wise words.
It still hurts so bad.
Hugs to all


Me - BS, 43
Him - WH, 45
Married - 22 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me.
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
INS 07/2013 Divorcing

Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Bumpin'


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
3Xthefool
Member
Member # 40113
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

I am new to this forum and have just started reading carefully all the wonderful advice that is offered.

This post especially was eye opening and hit the nail on the head. The biggest issue with me is the guilt. Guilt that "if I leave now, does that make me a bad person for not giving her another chance to reconcile" (even though WW has had 5 affairs and has rendezvoused with latest OM twice since DDay).

Guilt is a difficult one to overcome since it tends to be a learned trait from childhood. Its hard to break years and years of conditioning like that. But try we must.

Thanks for the post.


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New York City
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)


This post especially was eye opening and hit the nail on the head. The biggest issue with me is the guilt. Guilt that "if I leave now, does that make me a bad person for not giving her another chance to reconcile" (even though WW has had 5 affairs and has rendezvoused with latest OM twice since DDay).

Guilt is a difficult one to overcome since it tends to be a learned trait from childhood. Its hard to break years and years of conditioning like that. But try we must.

I feel the same way. I don't feel guilt in filing for divorce for my wife--she deserves nothing less and I nothing more--but for my children. I feel very guilty for them even though of course I am doing it for them. Irrational but understandable.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

So my question is, what do you do with this guilt? Do you find ways to deal with this emotion? are you able to see it for what it is? A hook. and not make decisions based upon it?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

So my question is, what do you do with this guilt? Do you find ways to deal with this emotion? are you able to see it for what it is? A hook. and not make decisions based upon it?

For me, I have spent so much time in Hell in great part out of guilt that I can now recognize it for what it is when it rears its head. Guilt can be a great humanizing emotion (after all, if our WS's were capable of it, would they have committed their crimes?). But it can also be dangerous to our well being, clouding the path we must take.

I let myself feel it, recognize it, and keep plodding forward through it. It's an emotion, and in my case, emotions have been my enemy. I don't trust them. They lie.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
3Xthefool
Member
Member # 40113
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

I think the first step in dealing with "guilt" is seeing it for what it really is: guilt is an emotional (fear based) response to a decision, in which the fear is based on doubts that the option chosen was the best one.

This is not altogether unlike taking an exam. If you can remember when you were in school and took multiple choice tests: you probably came across some questions in which there seemed to be more than one correct answer. At some point you simply had to pick one and move on and be satisfied that you made the right choice and do the best you could in the rest of the exam so that the one question you had doubts about wasn't really a factor in the end.

In the same way, those of us dealing with WS' need to make decisions based on what would make us satisfied that we have done what can to the best of our abilities to help with the reconciliation process as well as to set boundaries (draw lines in the sand, so to speak) and not allow those boundaries to become gray and fuzzy. And the onus is on the WS' to not cross the lines. Keep in mind that the WS needs to be told specifically what those boundaries are and what the consequences are if crossed.

For most of us, NC is one boundary that should never be broken. Breaking the NC boundary for me is now a deal breaker. If you read my profile, you will see that I have 3 DDays. I was naÔve and stupid for the first 2 and didn't set clear boundaries with WW. After DDay#3, I was explicitly clear about NC with her. For the time being, I am giving her the benefit of the doubt and "acting" like I am trying to trust her. But the real attempt at trust will be after what I call the Day of Reckoning which is the 1 year anniversary of DDay#1. On that day I plan on sitting down with her and going over all her email accounts, phone records, texts, business financial records, opening locked IM apps on her iPhone and iPads, etc. If there has been any communication between them, that will be the end. It is now clear with WW that any further communications with OM is a deal breaker and will lead to the demise of the marriage.

By giving her an opportunity to prove herself to be trustworthy, I am doing the best I can under the circumstances. No reasonable person could expect more from me than that. If she fails then the failure is totally on her. I will walk away knowing that I did as much as I could to lay the groundworks for R.


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New York City
roadtorecovery21
New Member
Member # 40009
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

I must say this information has been really helpful...honestly i feel that with each day that i detach myself to my cheating bf, i feel like a pound of hurt is shed off. Thank you so much for sharing!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013
roadtorecovery21
New Member
Member # 40009
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

I must say this information has been really helpful...honestly i feel that with each day that i detach myself to my cheating bf, i feel like a pound of hurt is shed off. Thank you so much for sharing!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

So glad I saw this today.
Shows me I am now on the right path.
It is so difficult to detach in the weeks/months after dday when everything you've built in your life is on the line.
As one other said, BS are so often "Fixers" and I know that I am, and until I find that thing inside myself to let go of that I feel I will continue to attract and be attracted to broken people.
Another facet of this infidelity fiasco which is hard to swallow.
Thanks again.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 29th (Thursday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
Blackhair
Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Great post, bump!


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 163 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Hi,

While I can't say I am out of the "attached woods" yet, I have come SUCH a long way in the course of less than a year. STBXWW still pushes my buttons, but no longer because I am totally attached to her in unhealthy way.

I have been able to extricate myself from total enmeshment by

1) deciding to take control of myself by filing for divorce. It was and is awful, horrible. But it was a decision made independent of how she felt. It was contrary to what she wanted (cake). I knew that it had to be done. And it gave me a BIG initial push away from emotional enmeshment and attachment.

2) No contact--or at least as little as possible. This was brutal for a long time. Total drug-like withdrawal, complete with fetal-position primal wailing. Yet finding myself doing this was itself a form of awakening. It made me realize how unhealthily attached I was. So this helped me trudge along, and it sloooowly got easier.

3) in the aftermath of my filing, STBXWW became a monster and continues to be. This slapped me in the face and renewed my resolve. I knew then (and now) I'd made the right decision. Detachment continued.

4) ANGER: and this is intertwined with #3. Righteous anger is propelling me away from her at an accelerated pace. It is replacing FEAR--fear of being without her, fear of her reactions, and thus my reactions to her reactions. My state-of-mind was no longer a reflection of hers

5) and of course, Time. Time time time.

I was the poster child for total attachment to an emotionally abusive person. I never ever thought I would not be attached for life.

If I can do it, anyone can--truly.

Please hang in there. I'm not at the holy grail of true indifference, but I am confident I will be once the divorce is finalized and the dust has settled as much as it ever will.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 9:09 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, November 16th (Saturday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

Thanks for this. Needed it today.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 294 | Registered: Aug 2013
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

For anyone still struggling with this, I am following up my October 12 contribution to this thread. And remember: I was a freaking mess of emotional codependent attachment--wailing, longing for STBX like heroin, convinced I would never even BEGIN to emotionally detach. Am I emotionally detached? Can I wear my "pin" yet? Nope.

But I am so much better:

Crying is extremely rare. And when it occurs I now have the ability to examine dispassionately what I am attached to and this crying over: not her. The person I thought she was. Or maybe she was--and she changed. It doesn't matter much anymore. I cry over the loss of my family, I cry for my children. I don't feel the intense self-pity any more.

--I am angry. Angry at her and angry with myself for enduring such emotional a use and for so long. And I am dealing in therapy with understanding no her anymore but myself and why I let this happen so it will never happen again.

--I see her continuing selfish behavior since I filed. This has helped enormously to emotionally detach. I no longer second guess my decision to divorce.

--most vestiges of love for HER have been steadily scraped clean, like a surgeon scrapes out cancer.

--finally, the simple-and-true mantras of SI: time and NC, time and NC.

I hope this helps anyone.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

Very good post!!! I really needed this right now!


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, December 27th (Friday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
Melian40
Member
Member # 41205
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

Bump!


BW-me:40
BH-him:41
DD-age 9
Together 7 years, married 17 years
DD1:8/12/2013 -OW1-PA 1.5 months in 2009
DD2:8/17/2013 - OW2-EA Spring 2013- He tried to hit on her but she denied.

"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"


Posts: 153 | Registered: Nov 2013
meredith132
Member
Member # 41593
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Thanks for this found it really helpful, I have achieved NC for nearly a month and I have had a couple of difficult days but the pain isn't so physical because there is not another twist of the knife from him. I also take comfort knowing he hates being found out, I have acted totally differently to how he expected, he doesn't know what to do he is all at sea

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2013
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

Bump for FELCO


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lemony.2008
Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

Thanks, lhap, for a great post!

I see emotional detachment as a form of self-protection, an act of self-love.

Someone once told me to "live your life without reference to him.". It is so powerful and helpful to me. It doesn't mean to be cruel or unkind, but to keep focusing on myself, my needs, in a loving way.


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

lemony.2008,
Amen. Its about protecting yourself and is an act of selflove.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lemony.2008
Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, February 7th (Friday)

And my MC agreed with me today to stay detached from my wh! Ha!


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, March 10th (Monday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, March 10th (Monday)

Hello,

Five months after my last response to this thread (October 12, 2013), I can just reiterate to those struggling: I had a nightmare of a time detaching. But I am, slowly but surely. And I was totally emotionally enmeshed for a long, long time.

Again:

Time. It does wonders. Those hands on the clock move excruciatingly slow, but they do move.

Your spouse/X/STBX being a consistently horrible, evil person. Let them show you who they are, over and over again. Your survival instinct will kick in and tell you: run. Your emotions will catch up.

The magic words, of course: No Contact.

Hang in there, everyone. If I can detach, so will you.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, March 17th (Monday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, April 4th (Friday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
BAMAC
Member
Member # 39334
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, April 4th (Friday)

Thanks, lhap?. I needed to read this.


DDays - 1/26/2013 | 3/23/14
Divorced 7/10/2014

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2013 | From: TX
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, April 6th (Sunday)


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 232 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 1st (Thursday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 30th (Friday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2010
limbohurts
New Member
Member # 43818
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

It has been three months since Dday and separation and I am not even beginning to detach. I want to so badly, but it's like I have no control and I continue to self-harm by staying in contact with WH. Why can't I do this? I literally feel like I am cutting myself every time I see him. Just the little bit of contact with him makes me feel better and then worse. What is holding me back from detaching? I am so afraid to be alone and so afraid to lose the life WE have built over the past 20+ years. I know that I need to let go, but my heart and emotions just keep holding me back. The pain is unbearable and I feel no better in 3 months.


Me BW
Him WH LTA
Married 18 years
2 kids
Separated since March 2014

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jun 2014
deceivedguy
Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

It's been six weeks since DDay, and I'm on week one of 180 detachment. I'm having a tough time, but sticking with it.
Your post has been great food for thought. I'm really looking forward to discussion and suggestions regarding detachment.

I find that one minute I feel empowered, and the next, I'm sick to my stomach with anxiety and/or depression.

Thanks for this thread! And thanks to those who bumped it!

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 5:06 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
AmSoDone
Member
Member # 43871
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

It's been 4 weeks since dday and 1 week since NC. Thanks for this thread. I really needed to read this today. I am really struggling with detachment and this has really made me want to look at my co-dependency.


BP(me) 50
WP (scumbag) 52
On-off for 32 years
1DD
1 DGD
Too many D Days to count. Same with OW.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
mamajen00
Member
Member # 43810
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

This was really insightful. I let my guard down one day while engaged in the 180 and WH slowly creeped back in. I realized that I felt so much better during the times of 180 and no contact. And then after he tried to creep back in (meaning wanting to talk, hang out at the house, etc) is when my anxiety flared up again. The man I married is no longer on this planet. The person that stands in the driveway, waiting to pick up our son is a stranger to me. The man who would once jump in front of a moving train to protect me, now has NO regard for my feelings or well-being. By recognizing this, it has helped me to slowly detach emotionally. This man is not the man I once knew. That man is gone. So, why stay attached to someone you don't know?


BS- me 37
WH- him 38
1 son - almost 5
Married 8 years
Together 13 years
DDay 4/19/14
9 months of intense EA
2 days of PA

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2014
redsox13
Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

The hardest thing in the world is to detach from the one you love. It is contrary to every feeling we have.

And yet it is something we all must do at some point in our journey.

Betrayal isn't the hardest part. It is knowing that our capacity of love is in some way the enemy.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, but still hurting

Posts: 154 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
Topic Posts: 122