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User Topic: Disgust at affair behavior
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, June 18th (Monday)

I am so embarrassed by the things I did and how I behaved while I was in the affair. I just cringe when I think of it all. I look back and still can't believe that while I was doing these things, I was OK with acting this way. It is difficult to "live in the present" and tell myself that that's how I was and not how I am. I have a hard time separating the two, because I'm just one person. I still did those things, even if I don't do them anymore. Does anyone else feel this way?


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
wintergreen
New Member
Member # 35880
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, June 18th (Monday)

I just feel like I was on another planet. Still trying to figure out who this person was that was capable of doing something like this. And scared that that actually existed inside me. I think I know how you feel.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2012
Lost333
Member
Member # 35182
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, June 18th (Monday)

I definitely relate to how you feel. This is not to take away from my responsibility for the A but when I think back to that time I feel as if I was a "zombie"-just going through the motions of my life and feeling extremely numb. It has also been hard for me to comprehend how I could have done something so malicious.

Even though I continue to explore my "whys" and try to piece together the puzzle it still shocks me.

I am also disgusted at my behavior. I think about it constantly. Every morning when I awake it is the first thing I remember. Sometimes I will feel nauseous and other times it will feel like there is this weight on me that will never be lifted.

Disgust, repulsion, shock, disbelief, fear/confusion (who am I?) depression are all feelings I have towards the A and myself.

It is normal but it can be hard to deal with.

What helps me is knowing that every day I am taking action to be a better person. That action may be as small as reading an article, going on SI or validating my BH's feelings. But it is action and the more I take action the less powerless and hopeless I feel.

Yes, that selfish cruelty was a part of me-but it doesn't have to always be.


Me:29,WS/BS Him:27, BS/WS (DontTreadOnMe) His Dday 2/19/12. My Dday 9/29/12
Married: 2 yrs, together 4 1/2

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin


Posts: 689 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Midwest
WarpSpeed
Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, June 18th (Monday)

Your future is more important than your past. You can't unmake the past, but you can build a beautiful future. Sounds like you're working on doing just that.

Best luck


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
thegooddokta
Member
Member # 35641
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, June 18th (Monday)

Yup. I feel this way too. When BH asks me questions I cringe at my own answers and think to myself " did I really do that? Did I say that?" Its such an awful feeling. It was like being possessed or having a brain tumor. I never would have believed I was capable of being that person....but I was....and at times it even came easy. Scary shit that needs addressing.


Me- BW 43
Him- WH 35
1stDday Dday 4-19-12
Married 9 yrs
Divorce sched for June 2013
2 kids 5 & 8

W/H-currently has a new girlfriend. We are still living in same house.


Posts: 118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: CT
bewuzzled
Member
Member # 31584
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, June 18th (Monday)

I just feel like I was on another planet. Still trying to figure out who this person was that was capable of doing something like this. And scared that that actually existed inside me.

Me too.
And it is very difficult to move forward, start to give yourself the validation you thought you needed to get from other people when "this" is in your past. But that's what we are supposed to do to be healthy. We are supposed to believe our mistakes do not have to define us. That we are not bad, we made bad choices. Tall order to fill...

[This message edited by bewuzzled at 6:51 PM, June 18th (Monday)]


WW ( me) 35
BH (him) 35 (StuckOnTheFence)
2 kids (14 & 12)
D day #1 1/20/11
D day #2 1/28/11
I am seeking, I am striving
I am in it with all my heart.

Posts: 596 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Missouri
Arais
Member
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, June 18th (Monday)

BS here. I just posted a question about this. It is really scary to think that you all don't recognize yourselves during the A. Isn't this nuts? I see my WH and how much he is suffering and it is tough to understand how he could have made choices that could cause this much pain and shame for himself. Why didn't this feeling kick in at the time? Did anyone here think twice about taking that step into an A? It is strangely good to hear that others are experiencing the same thing as my H because I wasn't sure if I should believe him or not.

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011
helpemegetoverit
Member
Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, June 18th (Monday)

I can totally relate.

And not trying to t/j but:

This is not to take away from my responsibility for the A but when I think back to that time I feel as if I was a "zombie"-just going through the motions of my life and feeling extremely numb. It has also been hard for me to comprehend how I could have done something so malicious.

This completely. I was at a large annual event last weekend. I remember exactly what happened in the day or so before this event last year. I actually remember being at the event, yet not being there if that makes sense. I was a total mess, yet to the outside world except as it turns out my husband I think it was un-noticeable, and this was common after A events for the entire year it happened I think. Last weekend I was chatting with friends, organizing (I help organize this event), etc...and literally after the event I stopped and thought 'whoa, this is SO different from last year.' I can't even explain it, but the conversations with friends I had, they were genuine, I was not distracted, fully present and aware at the event. It was such a good feeling.

So yeah, embarrassment, shock, etc, that was all part of the aftermath of the affair as I had to re-live it and tell my BH (and still now as I have to tell my therapists). I had never been a liar before, never lived a double life like that, never said that kind of stuff to someone other than my husband, never purposefully deceived someone like this, and never been such a mess in my entire life.

I think we all feel this way.


Me: WW
Him: BH

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you."
John Green


Posts: 882 | Registered: Nov 2010
frostian
New Member
Member # 34983
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 18th (Monday)

Yep I'm so sickened by it. The worst thing I've ever done. I really feel like dying over it most days. It's what I think about 90% of the day. My A was particularly disgusting. The guy was a huge creep, physically abusive, and one incident was non-consensual (though I put myself in that situation and I did go back and I do not in any way make any excuses for what I did). It was acting out on so many sickening issues from my childhood.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Mar 2012
PainfullyStupid
New Member
Member # 35061
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, June 18th (Monday)

I have talked in depth with my therapist about this exact thing. It is frightening at times to realize how much I betrayed my own core beliefs.
One thing I have realized is that I have a serious problem with compartmentalization. It developed as a defense mechanism when I was younger and is one of the biggest challenges I face.


WH - me
Compartmentalization is a useless talent.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Tx
wintergreen
New Member
Member # 35880
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, June 19th (Tuesday)

One thing I have realized is that I have a serious problem with compartmentalization. It developed as a defense mechanism when I was younger and is one of the biggest challenges I face.

This.

BS wonders sometimes at the fact that I compartmentalize everything so thoroughly, but I finally shared with him what I went through as a kid. It helped him to know where my compartmentalization came from. Not sure if you have shared with your BS your traumatic event as a child, but it might help them feel like they understand you better?


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2012
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, June 19th (Tuesday)

Arais, yes, it is totally nuts. Yes, I thought twice about doing it and still did it anyway. I chose on purpose...even though I knew it was wrong.

The disconnect between "me" in the affair and "me" currently is amazing. The things I did didn't faze me at the time, even though now I look back with total humiliation.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)

I feel the same way. The issue for me is also compartmentalization.

My BW was reading some of her journals from the time right before, during, and after my A, and my words and actions at that time truly sicken me. I have such a hard time remembering a lot of the details, because A#1 was 14 years ago, but she has it in black and white. I think even then I was trying so hard to compartmentalize my feelings and not be in touch with how much pain I put my wife through back then.

I keep trying to explain to her that I am not doing that this time, that I am not trying to hide myself from experiencing what she is feeling right now.

She looks at me and just asks how could I do all of this if I really love her. She does not understand how I can say that when I was having my As that I only thought about myself, and looking back what what I did really makes me sick. I realize that it is all of my fault, i did those things to the one person in my life who really ever loved or cared for me.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
DWBH
Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)

BS here... This might be a bit of of t/j, but kinda ties to the compartmentalization factor. My fWW really struggles to remember many of the details, and even some of the more significant things from her A. While she's ALWAYS had a shitty memory, she also says she's been systematically deleting events from the A, due to her shame, guilt, etc.

Have any other WS done this?

Of course, my gut reaction is to think this is more TT, but now, at this point, I believe she is really just struggling to remember stuff. We have, hopefully, all the "big" stuff out, and now my questions are just getting into specifics. I'm trying really hard to emphasize with her, but it's hard, since I'm OCD, and remember SO much better than she does... hard to grasp that some of these things can just be 'forgotten'.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
wintergreen
New Member
Member # 35880
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)

@DWBH: Mr Wintergreen's A was a couple years ago and he says he has forgotten a lot of it, the details, etc. Part of covering his tracks and trying to forgive himself, I think.

In my case, it is stunning how much and how quickly I can forget. The desire to purge the thoughts/feelings/etc is very strong and effective. I'm still exploring it in IC but suspect it has to do with preserving the self-image of oneself as a 'good person'... answering the "how do you sleep at night/ live with yourself/etc" line of questioning that I imagine many of us on SI ask and are questioned with.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2012
thegooddokta
Member
Member # 35641
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)

DWBH, I am trying so hard to not think about my AP and the awful things I did, that I think the result is that I am forcing myself to forget many details of my A. I'm not trying to TT or omit info, I genuinely feel like I can't remember stuff so clearly. Its also pretty early and I only recently ended my A, so I'm guessing I am blocking stuff out right now that will eventually come back. Some of this stuff is just too painful to want to remember.


Me- BW 43
Him- WH 35
1stDday Dday 4-19-12
Married 9 yrs
Divorce sched for June 2013
2 kids 5 & 8

W/H-currently has a new girlfriend. We are still living in same house.


Posts: 118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: CT
Jems
New Member
Member # 36107
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 17th (Tuesday)

I realize this post is a month old, but I just found it. This is something that I think about constantly. BH has brought it to my attention numerous times and it's so difficult for me to deal with. I am a mother, a wife, a teacher, a person full of faith in God. Where did I go for those two weeks? Why didn't I think about my family, my marriage vows, my future? Why, at the very least, did the guilt not stop me? I can only imagine the way BH must feel. As if there's someone else inside of me that was strong enough to overshadow the real me, who was obviously weak. I often look at other people - sometimes friends, sometimes strangers - and think "he/she would NEVER have done what I did! How can I ever completely feel confident in any part of my life again?". It's a devastating feeling.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: South Florida
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)

I love this these post, as I always wonder why wh does not remember alot that has happened in the last 3 years, things he said, things he did, things he let ow do, he can't ever remember things about us in that time.
What is sad is that I wish so badly that he would feel as you all do but that will not happen, we are seperating now as he told me that he does not love me, he treats me as if I was the one that did this to us.
I want to tell you that as a BS I am very proud of you all for the remarkable job you are doing to figure out yourselfs and the whys. It takes so much courage to do what you all have and try to save your marriage and families.
Bless you all and thank you.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
Bobcat5
New Member
Member # 35720
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)

I am uphauled by the way I behaved and the woman I was during my one year AF. I completely disregarded my morals, values and strong beliefs that has been a foundation in my life.I wake up each morning wondering how I behaved that way not feeling guilty for what I have done and who I have hurt. So sad to feel like that.


ME:50 BH:49
DD #1 09/11
DD #2 10/11
DD #3 1/12
DD #4 5/19/2012
DD #5 7/24/12 broke NC
M: 24 yrs 3 great kids
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2012
roccodom
Member
Member # 19714
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)

Don't want to t/j either, but this is enlightening as a BS.

Scarey also.

Have any of you discussed in IC how to handle compartmentalizing so this doesn't happen again? I would imagine it is a habit started very young for survival or preservation.

How to you notice or prevent this from happening?


BS - me (45) WS - him (45)
married 16 yrs (DS 11yrs, DD 9yrs)
#1 PA - DDay 12/97
#2 PA DDay 5/08
#3 PA DDay 2/12
Trying R
Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security.


Posts: 789 | Registered: May 2008 | From: MO
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 5:25 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)

roccodom,

Please direct your question to the BS Questions for WS in ICR


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36520 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
used2bestrong
Member
Member # 34372
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, July 18th (Wednesday)

No, helpeme, not every WS feels that way. Mine doesn't. Said that he was the same person that he always had been. Good to know after 20 yrs of marriage.


BS - me
WS - husband
4 children - all teens
D-day 6/15/11.

Posts: 599 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Ohio
dawn10275
Member
Member # 35633
Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, July 18th (Wednesday)

I'm reading a great book that is helping me through all this. Its "When Good People Have Affairs"
I'm only 75 pages in and it really helping through this journey especially the guilt and shame. I'm learning to forgive myself which is the hardest thing ever.


WS aren't the only ones that lie and hurt others.

Posts: 69 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Ohio
Bobcat5
New Member
Member # 35720
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 18th (Wednesday)

It's always helpful to read books that can help. Because the guilt and the shame can be so overwhelming at times. Forgiveness is the hardest thing ever, and so is the Why.

[This message edited by Bobcat5 at 10:54 AM, July 18th (Wednesday)]


ME:50 BH:49
DD #1 09/11
DD #2 10/11
DD #3 1/12
DD #4 5/19/2012
DD #5 7/24/12 broke NC
M: 24 yrs 3 great kids
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2012
foundfootsteps
New Member
Member # 35984
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, July 18th (Wednesday)

I've felt that disgust, and I still do a year and a half later. There are pretty big holes in what I did during that time but there are moments of excruciating clarity too. I can remember for parts of it how badly I tried to impress OW. I think about it now and feel like and absolute moron. The feelings go a bit beyond that and helped culminate in a suicide attempt soon after the A. I try now to not focus on the personal disgust, but rather to channel that energy into improving myself for the relationship with my wife.


Me: FWH-23
Her: BW-34

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2012
Minerva
Member
Member # 35424
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 18th (Wednesday)

Thanks for all the posts in this thread - really helps me.

My H has consistently said he can't explain why he did what he did, that he is disgusted with himself, knew it was wrong, felt trapped in the A.

I have thought he must know why he started the A, but he is now in IC to find out - he has only in the last few weeks accepted that if he doesn't know why he was tempted, he could be tempted again.

Reading other WS's feelings about their actions helps me understand my H better.


BW - me,
WH - him
Married 27 years, 3 lovely grown kids
DD#1 August 2011 - 2 PAs over last 9 months
False R
DD#2 April 2012 - A continuing...
DD#3 May 2012 - Finally over
R'ing again - this time he's serious.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2012
dawn10275
Member
Member # 35633
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, July 19th (Thursday)

I honestly am disgusted by what I did. I am having the hardest time forgiving myself. This is honestly the worst I have ever felt about myself. I have hated what I have done. The book I mentioned is truly helping me recover.


WS aren't the only ones that lie and hurt others.

Posts: 69 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Ohio
Hatingit
Member
Member # 34523
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, July 20th (Friday)

I think of what I did and my skin crawls, I feel like I need a bleach shower, and want to gouge my eyes out with a spoon. I hate what I did and don't want to ever feel that way again. Not to mention what I did to my family??? I lost their trust and respect.


Divorce final 1/27/12. In the search for me and my why. No excuses, just work and improvements for me.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2012
forever.haunted
Member
Member # 28645
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, November 5th (Monday)

*Bump* because this is a helpful thread for BS's to read


You let it go when you are ready.. when you have processed it enough.. you let it go when you are sick of trying to figure it out. You let it go when you want your life back

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2010
triskele
Member
Member # 35180
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, November 5th (Monday)

As a BS, I want to say thank you for posting this, and thank you for bumping it. Not a normal reader in this forum, I tend to believe that the A's were fun, and a gamble, but when discovered, the game was over.

My H has shown tremendous remorse, and has said just these things- holds such shame and embarrassment for not only what he did, but the person he was. He was pompous and arrogant, and bragged to his friends, even by email, that he was living the life. This was so far from the man I knew that it terrified me that this was who he truly was, inside, and had kept in check so he could have the family and life he could be proud of.

It is helpful to me to read that so many of you are saying the same things as he. It helps me to whittle away my protective shell that keeps us from being as close as we used to be. It also helps me to believe that this type of shame is REAL, and not simply lip service to keep me from forcing him to admit his part in it all.

For some reason, this post touched home and helps restore my faith that this was not who he truly was, but the anomaly that he got spun into... AND... returned to grace.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Mar 2012
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, November 5th (Monday)

Heartbroken:

I look at the June 18th date of this thread and my heart hurts.. I wish I found SI on June 18th. I wish I could have seen this thread then. By this date, I had cheated on my BH once, was rugsweeping and without any warning this was a few days away from cheating again.

My BH asked me why I didn't confess to him sooner at our last MC. I told him because I was scared and a coward. Seeing threads like this and getting support sooner would have made all the difference in the world.

Yes I read this thread back in July after I joined SI but it didn't resonate the same as it does today. I had already done serious damage by then.

Perhaps this thread has been helpful for BSs as well but I think it has more power to help WSs. Maybe those who had done some damage already, yet to come clean and need to before they can cause further hurt.

I'm very disgusted at my affair behavior and always will be. That is not me anymore and it horrifies me that it was me just a few months ago.


FWW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful daughter born June 2013

Showing signs of true R. I'm hopeful

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 768 | Registered: Jul 2012
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, November 25th (Sunday)

Bump

This is a wonderful post. So happy I ran across it.
Thank you all.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
WishingForLethe
Member
Member # 34805
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, November 25th (Sunday)

Me too. Sometimes I am driving alone in the car ranting at myself with tears pouring down my face. I have a hard time reconciling the person who could be s morally bankrupt with who I am today.

There is not enough punishment for someone who could do this. On the anniversary of dday number one (last week ) I had to pull over and dry heave just visualizing some of my actions. Although my BH rarely mentions it,I will never get over this. I will never be able to make up for what is have done. I can never repay his kindnesses. I just don't understand why he is so good to me. I don't deserve him.


Don't look at how far you have to go, but how far you have come

Posts: 350 | Registered: Feb 2012
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, November 26th (Monday)

Sometimes I am driving alone in the car ranting at myself with tears pouring down my face. I have a hard time reconciling the person who could be s morally bankrupt with who I am today.

This.

Not while I'm driving since I don't drive but definitely when I am alone in bed, walking down the street, on the train. I hate what I did. I don't recognize the person I was when I did these things. I hate, hate, hate, hate it. I've dry heaved, thrown up blood, cried ALL day, headaches, dizziness, no eating, churning stomach, racing heart, anxiety attacks. The list goes on and on. The worst is when a specific memory of something I said flashes through my mind. The physical acts themselves were bad enough but the flirting oh god I hate myself and my actions. I feel like i'm a good person and I made horrible terrible choices. He's still with me, he loves me, he can be angry at times but he loves me, he wants me, he still wants kids with me....he's amazing.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2645 | Registered: Oct 2012
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, November 28th (Wednesday)

Thank you to the WS's who have been so honest about how they felt. It helps me to understand how my husband could have been at this dark place and not want to be that person again. He is very remorseful, has said he was depressed, didn't like himself, what he did was deplorable, very shameful.

I am so proud of the man he is today and I love him very much.

Me-BS 49
FWH-49
dday 3-19-11
M 29 yrs
R


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 598 | Registered: Oct 2011
Crossbow
Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, November 28th (Wednesday)

My FWW literally did NOT remember some things she had said and done (to me, especially, but also to the kids) from her A time.

She also said it was like a blur, like she was a different person, and that after DDay she was sickened by the thought of how she acted, and could hardly believe it - but many of the memories were there, so she knew it was real.

When I showed her on our phone records that she let MY calls go to voicemail any time she was talking to OM, she had to run to the bathroom to throw up. Ditto when I pointed out how she treated our then-toddler son.

During her As, *I* could hardly recognize her as someone I knew.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
BIZZYBEEZ
Member
Member # 37645
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, December 1st (Saturday)

Thank you WS's for sharing your thoughts. It helps me understand what he is going through & the self loathing he is feeling. He says there is a gaping hole in his soul he doesn't feel like will ever be whole again. Glad I found this thread.


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 39
DDay - 10/22/2012 (worst day of my life)

Learning to breathe again - one day at a time


Posts: 235 | Registered: Nov 2012
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

Bumping for a new member who hasn't posted yet.

Hint hint.

The term "disgust" was used recently by my H. As much as it must be terrible to feel this way about one's own actions, to hear it is somehow consoling to the BS.

[This message edited by FightingBack at 9:00 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 724 | Registered: Feb 2012
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Thank you all for your honesty. It must be very difficult to acknowledge and express these feelings.

It was very helpful as a BS to read this. It helps to understand the pain that the WS goes through.

It is hard for me to imagine as I am sure it is hard for my h to imagine what I go through.

It helps me to have empathy for him. It makes me want to help him. I do realize though that he has to do the work to heal himself.

I am going to ask him to read this. I think he holds so much inside and it hurts him and us. I wonder all the time how he feels now.

If he reads this I want him to know, I am proud of the changes that he is working so hard to make. I believe our goal is attainable but I see the price that we both have to pay. It will be worth it.

I wonder if it is the shame that causes one to hold all this inside. To have these feelings and hold them to yourself must be a very painful and lonely place.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1268 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
NoGoodUsername
Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

This is an old thread but still completely relevant. Yes, I feel disgust at my affair behavior and am having a devil of a time reconciling who I thought I was and what I turned out to be during that time.

When we got married, we promised to be each other's faithful champion. At some point, and for no good reason, I planted my flag next to the AP and didn't even know I was in an emotional affair at the time. It just makes me sick. I betrayed the trust of an amazing woman over nothing and totally 'affaired down' in the process.
Revulsion? Yeah, that's a good word for it.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 222 | Registered: Aug 2013
boots5050
New Member
Member # 39542
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I have always portrayed myself as a moral, ethical, honest person. Showing contempt towards others who have done what I did, then I became that person, now all eyes are on me.HOW could I have even imagined doing this to my wife? Almost a year has gone by and its finally hitting me, each day my chest hurts, my breathing seem irregular and I now have small panic attack, is it only fair that I suffer the same symptoms as my wife?? Is this my penance I will carry to my death? I never want to forget, make it part of my life, to learn who I really am. Facing me is the hardest thing I've ever done, but in so many ways I hunger for this now

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: usa
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Last night was one of "those"conversations between RH and I. We are facing the 1 year Dday of his 4+year affair and it would have been helpful for me to have read this post before our chat. I might have been able to ask him more....did you feel like this questions. One thing that he did share with me that was new info was that this had been the first time in our 32 years together that he had felt feelings for another person. I was a bit shocked because I see EA's happening every single day around me. I personally have discovered myself getting into the beginnings of an EA and physically removed myself from the situation as quickly as possible. It was a bit mind blowing to him that I felt EA's come from everywhere. This allowed me to tell him honestly that's why I had always been able to trust him through 25 years of travel.....it was the other things out there he could come in contact with that scared the shit out of me. Now at least he understands that comment.

Thank you to all the past WS and RWS who have shared these feelings openly. I now understand a bit more of the how's.......how could he have done this for so many years. How was he able to come home to us and for the most part be normal. It wasn't until the last quarter of the affair that he personally morphed into this disgusted person who hated the world, was depressed and wanted to die. Unfortunately that's the part that is still so fresh in my mind.

Hubby did say last night that he was shocked at how horribly this has hurt my inner spirit. I am no longer the person he married. Hoping to get back there one day. What he did expect when the A came out was the anger. Funny thing was he didn't see real anger from me until 2 months after Dday.

All of you have made me understand how this all played out and more importantly how your actions during the A have created your guilt now. I always felt his guilt came from not wanting people to know. I have only just now realized through this post that he still did love me through this part of his life.

Continuing to R. Thanks for your thoughts.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 8:12 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

boots5050

Facing me is the hardest thing I've ever done, but in so many ways I hunger for this now

The hardest part of facing ourselves is realizing we have things about ourselves we don't like.
That's ok though, we can always work to improve those things.

Being a healthy you is very conducive to a healthy life and marriage.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2473 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
SheHatesMe
New Member
Member # 40425
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

My wonderful BGF pointed this post out to me this morning. It is so relevant and really helps see that I am not alone. As a WBF, I, too, am disgusted at my behavior. I look back to what I have done and what I put such a wonderful woman through and become sick to my stomach. The self loathing is immense which doesn't help in my efforts at raising my self-esteem which is so lacking. Everyday, I look upon my BGF and see the hurt and misery I've caused. True remorse is felt for the life I've killed inside her. I will do my best to help her heal and build a new life as I fix the crap inside me.

Someone very early in this thread mentioned that we've made a huge mistake and have done acts that have immensly gone against any morals and ethics we held high in our lives. But the past does not have to define who we are. What defines us is how we can rebound from this tragic event and make it stronger and better, learning from our mistakes. At least that's my hope.

Glad this post was bumped up.


WBF slowly seeing progress

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
harrypotter
Member
Member # 39526
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Glad to see this post in that I not alone in feeling this way. For me I feel like I have rewritten so much in my mind. For example how could I have done this and why didn't I choose not to seems so easy in retrospect, it's hard because I can't even remember wanting to do it on any level, but I know I did. I think for those of us that have trouble with the details for me a lot of that has to do with so much of it being a drop of the hat lie and those are hard to remember a year later I also think we don't want to remember so bad that our minds do cut it out to some degree. Not trying justify anything just for me this has been more guilt in one dose then I have ever had to try and deal with and it has broken me to pieces. I read a lot of you/ us want to fix ourselves and be better people and of course that is part of this. I was so self centered that I actually didn't feel anything good all I did was take and truly giving of ourselves is what gives us self worth( at least with me). In the end lets consider how we feel and then try to understand how our BS must feel and are going through. For me it's hard but worth it, but I often feel like I will never forgive myself even if my wife does. Just some thoughts, good luck everyone.


WS-Me
BS-Her (Lostinthismess)


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jun 2013
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

Thanks to all for giving me some insights on this topic. As a BS, I really struggle with believing/understanding what he says he is feeling. I worry that when he says he is in "pain", he is still "missing her" as opposed to the "self-loathing" he says he is experiencing. I worry that he tells me these things to manipulate me into feeling pity for him. I do feel compassion, but not for any lingering feelings for the AP. It is reassuring, in some way, to read that many WSs take so long to reach some of these realizations, but that they do get there. I feel like I have been extraordinarily patient (for which he has thanked my repeatedly) waiting for him to get his head out of his derriere. (It's been up there so long, his brain is oxygen-deprived! And yes, he laughed when I said that.) Reading your posts give me a shot of stamina to hang in there for the long haul. Thanks for sharing.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
1DumbHusband
Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

The responses from the WS n this thread sums up my feelings. Most days I'm just kind of numb. Other days I'm sick to my stomach and can't believe the hurt and damage I've done. Some days i don't eat because i feel so horrible. I oftentimes want to punch the mirror because I hate the reflection for hurting my BS! When you're in the midst of your actions, you often don't think clearly. I hope in some ways that this pit of my stomach feeling never goes away to remind me how terrible i can be and to remind me of the damage i've done. I want nothing more than to make this up to my wonderful BS. My BS and I will never be the same. I read some stories of R and hear how some people say their marriage is better. I hope and pray that is true because (when I wasn't being such a douche) my beautiful BS and I had an amazing thing going before I f*cked it up.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Thank you WS for your posts. It must be very hard to write the words.

Approx 4 months ago my fWH started saying he was "repulsed" by the A. You cannot imagine how relieved I was to hear this from him. Repulsed. The word carries so much weight. When I read similar thoughts from you, altho sad it also means you have reached an awareness and for that I hope you feel proud.

I wish you all well.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2122 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
FR2012
Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

I just realized that this thread is over a year old now but I thought I would share my thoughts and feelings.

Honestly, I hate the person I was before, during and a little after the time of my A. I hate how I treated my husband and daughter. I hated how I didn't really have any emotions. I hate knowing that I did things with another man. I hate knowing that I have ruined certain things about our relationship. I hate everything about everything how I was.

During the time of my A I was actually very suicidal. Thinking about what I did sickens me to the point of feeling sick to my stomach. Even at almost 17 months out, it is something I think about enough.

I never ever in my wildest dreams thought that I was capable of cheating. I always thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen in a relationship. The fact is though, I did cheat. I had an affair and now I know that I was capable of doing it. I was a horrible person. I did have an affair. I did do all those horrible things to my husband.

Since D-Day, I have been slowly changing though. I know that I was that horrible person that could betray my husband. I am not that person now though. I am bettering myself and in turn bettering our relationship.

Why didn't this feeling kick in at the time? Did anyone here think twice about taking that step into an A?

I can say that when I stepped into the A, I wasn't thinking about the consequences. I wasn't thinking about all the pain I would be putting my family through. Those are just some things that didn't cross my mind.

DWBH: I am not deleting events from the A. There are a lot of things that I am having a hard time remembering though. I try to remember things so that if my husband asks me a question that he needs reassurance about, I can answer to the best of my ability. I do struggle with memory though.

I was a totally different person during that time. You can look at pictures from just before my A, during my A and after and see the difference. Especially now, the look in my eyes is totally different. My husband has said a few times lately that he has missed me. I had a hard time understanding exactly what he meant by that. Then he explained and I can see it. I understand now.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, September 6th (Friday)

FR2012

You can look at pictures from just before my A, during my A and after and see the difference. Especially now, the look in my eyes is totally different. My husband has said a few times lately that he has missed me. I had a hard time understanding exactly what he meant by that. Then he explained and I can see it. I understand now.

~~This~~

I have never written that before but yes! Something I have totally noticed looking at pics. When the A started there is a certain look "confidence" on his face - like he is too cool for school. But as the A went on his look is vacant. Like he is not really there with us at the bdays, family moments, etc. He just seems like the odd man out in some way. Now, there is life to his eyes.

I missed my H too. But he is back.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2122 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
pizzalover
Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

My BH emailed me this thread the other day. When I read it, I thought, WOW, I relate to so much of what was written.

Still trying to figure out who this person was that was capable of doing something like this.

I also don't know how I could be so capable to hurting so many people, especially my BH and my AP's BW. I am not this kind of person. I'm not a mean person.

It has also been hard for me to comprehend how I could have done something so malicious.
Even though I continue to explore my "whys" and try to piece together the puzzle it still shocks me.
I am also disgusted at my behavior. I think about it constantly. Every morning when I awake it is the first thing I remember. Sometimes I will feel nauseous and other times it will feel like there is this weight on me that will never be lifted.
Disgust, repulsion, shock, disbelief, fear/confusion (who am I?) depression are all feelings I have towards the A and myself.

It is shocking me to figure out so many things about myself. Like how incredibly selfish I can be. I really didn't see it before D-day, but I am being confronted by it A LOT now. I am also disgusted, repulsed, confused, depressed.

I never would have believed I was capable of being that person....but I was....and at times it even came easy. Scary shit that needs addressing.

I wonder the same things too. How could I have been comfortable being in a the same house with my BH, my AP, and his wife, all of us hanging out and having fun, and then going to the basement to smoke pot and make out with my AP. Why wasn't I vomiting all of the time? How was I able to do that while my BH was upstairs? I feel like a monster and it fucking terrifies me.

One thing I have realized is that I have a serious problem with compartmentalization. It developed as a defense mechanism when I was younger and is one of the biggest challenges I face.

I didn't realize how well I could compartmentalize so well either. My old and new IC feel that this developed at an early age for me as well, but I haven't figured out why.

I realize that it is all of my fault, i did those things to the one person in my life who really ever loved or cared for me.

Yup. My BH loved me and cared about me unconditionally. I was his rock. He always wanted to be with me and I threw it away for an unavailable, married man so was no where near the quality of my BH.

...helped culminate in a suicide attempt soon after the A. I try now to not focus on the personal disgust, but rather to channel that energy into improving myself for the relationship with my wife

Next to the A, the worst thing I ever tried to do was kill myself. I literally lost my mind...the pain that I caused, the pain that I felt, the regret, the shame...I was going to go away from people I loved and cause them more pain. I know my BH thinks about it. I know it is probably painful everytime he goes into the bathroom and looks at the tub where he found me, or looks at the scars on my wrists. ANother INCREDIBLY selfish action that I can never take back. I don't want to keep feeling personal disgust. I want to make myself safe for my BH. I want to help him heal.


I honestly am disgusted by what I did. I am having the hardest time forgiving myself. This is honestly the worst I have ever felt about myself. I have hated what I have done.

I can't forgive myself either and probably never will. What I did was completely unforgivable.


I'm very disgusted at my affair behavior and always will be. That is not me anymore and it horrifies me that it was me just a few months ago

^^^This.


All of you have made me understand how this all played out and more importantly how your actions during the A have created your guilt now. I always felt his guilt came from not wanting people to know. I have only just now realized through this post that he still did love me through this part of his life.

I ALWAYS felt guilt and I NEVER stopped loving my BH, not for one minute.


I am going to continue to work to figure myself out to make myself safe for me and for everyone around me. I WILL never cheat again, but I am working so hard to delve into what caused this. I hate when I come up empty handed.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 340 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 51