| Just Found Out | |||
| User | Topic: Here we go again..... | ||
Well I thought we had a decent R going. There was a sex problem - in that he just didn't want sex with me. But aside from that, it was a good marriage. Then out of the blue he had a renewed desire for me. Like - morning, noon, afternoon, night, middle of the night.... And now I find out this week, there's a girlfriend in the picture. Sigh. Younger than me. Sexy. Thin. Beautiful. No wonder he's horned up. She sends him sexy pics all day long. I told him I know, last night. Just said it matter of fact. Cold. And I don't feel any of the things I felt when this happened before. I feel nothing at all. What is wrong with me? Why am I not having any sort of reaction to this? He reacted by following me around, trying to hug me, touch me, always keep one hand on me, being very attentive to a fault all day today. Trying to be sexual. Turning his phone completely off. Trying to convince me he's gone NC. I don't buy it. And more than that, I can't seem to make myself care either way... I'm just so confused by my reaction to this! Me: BS Him: FWS Us: Married since 3/12/2004. Two kids from the marriage, and three from before we got together. D-day: 3/12/2005. Enjoy the little things, for one day you may realize they were the big things. Posts: 203 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Oklahoma | |||
well, I guess that your username says it all. I assume this is NOT the first time. Some of us have reached a stage where we have to make rational as opposed to emotional decisions.I really don't know what else to say, except that you know what you want for yourself, and screw him [This message edited by pendant at 1:51 AM, July 9th (Monday)] "Once forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete, meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences and used to create a new set of moral rules and a new interpretation of life's events." Posts: 404 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: North Carolina | |||
[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:04 PM, July 9th (Monday)] 2DS 2DD..my reason for living DD#1 10-01-09 DD#2 02-12 thought I was in R. OW: a real peach, a lovely girl (sarcasm). Currently rat-holing every dime I can and planning the great escape. Posts: 2205 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest | |||
I see it as that part of your soul that loved him blindly and saw him as your hero, your protector, died a while ago. The A, the false R and the lack of his desire for you has chipped away at that piece of your soul until it was all gone. You now see him for what he is, and what he is is not worthy of you. You have gone into self protection mode because you know he is an enemy. BW - me ExWH - "that one" D - 2011 You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve. Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space. Posts: 1925 | Registered: Jan 2011 | |||
I'm sorry you find yourself here again. Your reaction to your recent discovery could mean this time the affair is a deal breaker for you and that's ok. It's amazing that someone can break your heart and you still love them with all of the little pieces. -unknown Posts: 1540 | Registered: Jan 2011 | |||
Last night was a drudgery. He kept me up until almost 2am trying to initiate romance. Every time I'd doze off, a few minutes later I'd wake up and there he'd be again. He left at one point yesterday, and went to his cousin's to help fix something. He tried to talk me into going. I have NEVER been invited there and I told him as much. He said, he wants me to go so I can see for myself that he's NC with OW. I told him, me being there proves nothing. It only takes a minute to step out of a room and send a text. And what's more, I honestly don't think I care if he's NC or not. I do know he hasn't touched her yet. They haven't met face to face. They met on Facebook and she lives about 3 hours away from here. There were plans to meet for the first time yesterday. That got botched by me finding out about them. It's a very sexually charged emotional affair. There is talk of love, lots of dirty talk, naked pics being exchanged, talk of him leaving me to move there with her. So even though they haven't touched, I know it's coming. It's not because they don't want or plan to. It's simply been a matter of logistics. And that is all I need to know. I do not want to go down this path again. He says it's harmless, just a fantasy outlet and he would never act on it. Well, they've exchanged pics of every body part and done mutual masturbation while talking to each other. Isn't that acting on it enough? It has been over 7 years since our first D-day. One would think I'd be upset. I'm offended a little bit, maybe. But I do not feel any of the things I felt that first time around. I worry that I'll make a decision in haste, that I could regret once I'm no longer numb about it. But maybe I'm not numb. Maybe this is me, and I just feel nothing for him any more. I don't know. But I do know my skin crawls when he touches me, and I felt a great sense of relief during the short period of time when he was gone yesterday. [This message edited by emptytirednumb at 8:30 AM, July 9th (Monday)] Me: BS Him: FWS Us: Married since 3/12/2004. Two kids from the marriage, and three from before we got together. D-day: 3/12/2005. Enjoy the little things, for one day you may realize they were the big things. Posts: 203 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Oklahoma | |||
Today I had divorce papers drawn up. I asked him to sign willingly so I don't have to pay for a process server. After much begging and denial, he did finally sign them. Now he's all emotional and depressed acting. Me? Not so much. I still don't really feel anything at all. Hope I don't regret this later. But right now, I just want to never go through this again. With him, I fear it will never stop. So it is the logical choice. Me: BS Him: FWS Us: Married since 3/12/2004. Two kids from the marriage, and three from before we got together. D-day: 3/12/2005. Enjoy the little things, for one day you may realize they were the big things. Posts: 203 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Oklahoma | |||
(((emptytirednumb)))) You're doing what it takes to protect yourself. What are you going to do when he leaves you? Posts: 494 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe | |||
I've experienced this. Over a year ago. I can't tell you what it means for you, but for me, that feeling towards my cheater was lasting. Since moving away from him, I've been very happy. Although I can't give a guarantee, I feel it will be the same for you. A BS grows a callus on a wound that keeps getting irritated. The numbness is self-protection. You've had all you can take. By the way, if he's online doing this stuff, as you know, he is definitely not R material. There's a line to an old song that described my feelings exactly: "You hurt the love right out of me."
Me-50 BW Him-55,STBXWH Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Posts: 2864 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio | |||
My children are so upset by this. They want everything to stay the way it has been, and don't want him to leave. He is trying to use that to make me feel guilty. I told him, I have nothing to feel guilty about. I've done nothing wrong. Any pain they're feeling, is a direct result of his actions, not mine. One day when they're old enough I will explain it to them and they'll understand. In the meantime, it's not good for them to grow up in a house where Mommy and Daddy don't have a healthy relationship. He keeps saying he's NC with her, it was meaningless fun, I'm making a big deal out of nothing, he never would have acted on it. I'm sorry, but sending pics to show her how aroused her naked pics have made you, then sexting the details of how you're both relieving yourselves in detail - is cheating enough for me. I'm done. Me: BS Him: FWS Us: Married since 3/12/2004. Two kids from the marriage, and three from before we got together. D-day: 3/12/2005. Enjoy the little things, for one day you may realize they were the big things. Posts: 203 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Oklahoma | |||
hugs to you! I am so sorry. .:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. BS-me-48 fWH -51 Posts: 485 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: down south | |||
((((emptytirednumb))))) Stay strong ..you know where this was all headed, and it wasn't harmless fun...you are doing the right thing for you and your children....his actions are disgusting, he really is in a fog..he knows you saw and read all of their disgusting pics/texts and then he tries to get romantic with you..BIG YUCK Sometimes mascara is the only thing that keeps a girl from breaking down. Posts: 72 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Jersey | |||
Yes and to make matters worse, evidently she gets off on sleeping with married men. She told him that in a text. Said married men are more exciting????? She wanted to know if he'd cheated before. He said yes. She asked for details, and he gave them. Things he had never admitted to me, told me he couldn't remember, etc. Gory details about the sex. I can't get the mental images out of my mind. I think I'm starting to leave the numbness behind. I feel very panicky and anxious and sad this afternoon. Me: BS Him: FWS Us: Married since 3/12/2004. Two kids from the marriage, and three from before we got together. D-day: 3/12/2005. Enjoy the little things, for one day you may realize they were the big things. Posts: 203 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Oklahoma | |||
Yes, sexting is cheating. Talking about intimate details of your life is cheating in my book. I am sure my WS would disagree. Then again I consider watching porn alone as cheating. Excluding your spouse to masturbate in private while your spouse is home is also cheating. I think all sexual acts and talk should be exclusive to your spouse. Not that masturbation it'self is cheating. However, you masturbating while they are busy with something is. If you get aroused by porn and masturbate it is cheating. So, him masturbating to pictures of her is cheating. You were totally excluded in the process. That is my opinion on the matter. In a marriage or other serious committed relationship that other person has exclusive rights to all sexual encounters. If they are away and you masturbate while thinking of them is one thing. However, making sure they are busy so you can go masturbate is wrong. Using pictures or mental images of other women during sex or masturbation is a betrayal of that relationship. It is disrespectful and wrong. So, don't let him minimalism this at all. He got caught again and is back peddling to stop from drowning. Well, until he admits what he did was wrong you hold all the cards. Don't allow him to blame you in the least. He made the choice to cheat and have his fantasy. You had nothing to do with that. (((((emptytirednumb))))) I can see why you are numb. It is a self preservation mode you went into. You are in shock. Until your system can establish it's self you will remain in shock. Just remember to be logical, which I think you have been. It was his choice to cheat and your choice how you deal with his betrayal. He brought this reality into existence. You didn't. If he didn't want a D then he shouldn't have cheated on you again. I have been empowered by my strategy in case I have another D-day. I hope I never have to use it, but I have a plan and knowing how stubborn I am about things I will carry it out. We are here for you!!! Married 26 years BW: Me, 46 WH: 46 DDay#2: March 8th, 2012, with one of my good friends. DDay#1: Oct. 20th 1992, 2 years post PA Attempting R Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing. Posts: 215 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA | |||
Well said, Wolf_Heart! Me-50 BW Him-55,STBXWH Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Posts: 2864 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio | |||
(((emptytiresnumb))) I am so sorry you are going through this yet again...stay strong! 34 BW(me); 34 FWH(him) 2DD's 5 yrs, 2 yrs; 2dogs/3cats Together 16 yrs, married 8 yrs DDay May 29, 2011; EA/PA Nov 05-March 06; working on R People may not remember what you did or said but they will always remember how you made them feel Posts: 301 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Massachusetts | |||
He has maintained that he wants R and is NC with OW. I got very panicky and anxious, and started to second guess myself. He spent a night here and the feelings came flooding back and I almost went for his game.... Until today. I see he's not NC at all. He's emailing her telling her the D papers were signed and he wants her. WHY did I let myself get sucked in AGAIN?????? Me: BS Him: FWS Us: Married since 3/12/2004. Two kids from the marriage, and three from before we got together. D-day: 3/12/2005. Enjoy the little things, for one day you may realize they were the big things. Posts: 203 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Oklahoma | |||
He's emailing her telling her the D papers were signed and he wants her This pisses me off, I am so sorry for your pain. I dont get it if a WS wants out....fucking go. You will heal, he will most likely choose not to. Take care of you... “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” Anaïs Nin Me: 45 Him: 47 Dday 8/2007, it's finally over...R is good Posts: 1512 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts | |||
Yes and to make matters worse he just called me, asking if I'd bring him something to drink (he works outdoors and it's hot right now out there). I said no and that I had to go, and I hung up the phone. He called right back, and said all he wanted was to tell me he loves me since I hung up too fast for him to tell me a minute ago.  Me: BS Him: FWS Us: Married since 3/12/2004. Two kids from the marriage, and three from before we got together. D-day: 3/12/2005. Enjoy the little things, for one day you may realize they were the big things. Posts: 203 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Oklahoma | |||
I just want to say that I think you are amazing. You do what you need to for yourself. BS: 35 WS: 33 children: 2 yrs, one on the way married 13 years Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2012 | |||
Obviously he wants his cake and to eat it too. He is deep in the fog and I think there is nothing you can do at this point to bring him out. If divorce papers weren't enough then I doubt anything will help. Take care of yourself and put your needs and yourself first. Obviously he can't tell you the truth now. You will be able to tell he is lying because his lips will be moving. Someone said that to me of my WS before he swore not to lie again. Which I am taking with a grain of salt till I see proof that he is telling the truth and even then I will still be suspect. If he is not in NC with her, if he is continuing then you have every right to write him off. You don't need to deal with his needy, selfish, lying self. Remember you are among friends who get what you are going through. Only a BS can truly get the pain we are in. Circumstances may be different for all of us, but the betrayal is the same. Married 26 years BW: Me, 46 WH: 46 DDay#2: March 8th, 2012, with one of my good friends. DDay#1: Oct. 20th 1992, 2 years post PA Attempting R Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing. Posts: 215 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA | |||
| Topic Posts: 21 | |||
Posted: 11:38 PM, July 8th (Sunday)