SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: My Story and a question
Heartbroke40
New Member
Member # 36089
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, July 15th (Sunday)

Let me start off with that I have been married for 18 years. It has not been a big bunch of roses during all that time. I am the father of 3 and just turned 40. I was not happy with my marriage after the first couple of years and pretty much tried to make it implode. My wife and I did finally split up and but I came to my senses and pulled my head out of my butt. We came to some agreements and I promised her I would do my best to be the man she deserved. This was over 6 years ago, I am not saying I have been perfect but honest, faithful and loving I have done.

Now I have found out that my wife has been carrying on a sexual relationship for the last 2 years with a co worker. Which did take me by surprise to say the least. I don't know what to do now or where to turn. I feel like when I was an ass she tried everything to make me happy, then when I reversed and wanted to do right by her and our family she went off the deep end.

I don't know if this can be repaired. How do you get the images out of your mind of the women you love being someone else's booty call? She stated she had no feeling for the OM but it was just easy and an escape from what was her life. I do love her more than I can relate in words but I also feel disgust from what she has done and how little respect she has had for our family. She had this OM in our home in our sons bed and a few other places I am sure she has not totally admitted to. My first instinct was to go straight for the D but after thinking about it she is still the person who I want to grow old with. My W says this was the worst mistake of her life and wishes she could take it all back, but she has lied to me so much it is hard to believe her now.

If anyone knows how to get me past this, I would forever be in your debt. It has been 3 weeks since I found out about the affair but it doesn't seem to be letting up at all. I keep thinking about it and seeing it over and over in my mind.

I posted this on another site about 2 weeks ago. My spouse is betrayerb40 and also posts on this site. You can see her story in the WW forums. My main question is should I tell the school of the OM's transgressions with my wife and other teachers as he is in an admin position.


BH 40
WW 40
DD 1 06-04-2012
DD 2 06-22-2012
Currently working on the R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
momxgbg
Member
Member # 35350
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, July 15th (Sunday)

should I tell the school of the OM's transgressions with my wife and other teachers as he is in an admin position


If you are also willing for your wife to lose her job, then yes. I'm not sure about the other teachers, but the OM's direct superior should definately know.


Dday - Jan. 22, 2012
Dday #2 - Apr. 01, 2012 (found out he was still in contact with OW...WHILE we were in MC)
married 17 years
me - bs - 38yrs
him - ws - 36yrs - EA/PA
DD - 15
DS - forever 12 - earned his angel wings 24Nov2013
DD - 10

Posts: 285 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
reallyscrewedup7
Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 15th (Sunday)

Heartbroke

Exposure is critical. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. You just found out. Document, document, document. But expose.

However, get to a laywer first and get whatever paperwork or protection you need in place first.

Look, you need to get to a place of safety in your marriage. Exposure is CRITICAL. Yes, she will likely lose her job, but if this DB is her supervisor, sue the fucking hell out of the school district for sexual harassment and get at least some of the settlement $. (That is why you need to see a lawyer IMMEDIATELY)

You also need to get STD testing done, paternity testing done, and prepare your evacuation plan in case she balks at R. Your wife was an intentional, destructive, soulless liar for so long. It is impossible for the brain to suddenly rewire itself. She will continue those behaviors and it will cause you pain. Your job is protect yourself from the pain. Saving the family is a noble goal, but if you make it your priority over your healing, YOU WILL GET NEITHER.

Please, please, please protect yourself. Healing only starts once the bleeding stops...

Doc RSU


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 901 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 15th (Sunday)

Is your W still employed there? You should expose it.
If he's not fired she should quit.

Talk to a lawyer.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
Heartbroke40
New Member
Member # 36089
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, July 15th (Sunday)

My wife has agreed to quit working for the school if she cannot find another school to go to. She is doing all she can to help me through this but there a is burn to this only other BS can feel.

I know my wife did this to me but I can't help but want to make this SOB to pay. He has shaken my hand and been at multiple functions with me and my WW. My being from the South have ideas how to take care of people like this, but it seems in this day and age you are better off hitting them in the wallet than in the gut. Still the idea of just doing it once brings such a smile to my face in a time that I mostly want to cry.

[This message edited by Heartbroke40 at 10:17 PM, July 15th (Sunday)]


BH 40
WW 40
DD 1 06-04-2012
DD 2 06-22-2012
Currently working on the R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
beenthere2?
Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, July 15th (Sunday)

In my district, if there was proof, both parties would be fired. Neither would be rehired in the district and surrounding districts would know if they committed the acts during the work day.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3981 | Registered: May 2010
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, July 15th (Sunday)

Welcome, Heartbroke40. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this position.

I remember the strong feelings of wanting revenge I had towards Coworker OW when I first found out about the A.

Thankfully it never got past the point of fantasy. I found myself furious that FWH brought this kind of chaos and drama into out daughter's life, and it occurred to me that taking action against the COW would keep the drama mill running.

We all want to DESTROY the OP. You're not alone in this. More than that, though, we want to set ourselves apart from these people who so wantonly wreak destruction on everybody else's life for their own selfish gain.

I say focus on getting WW out of that school, and treat OM like the piece of garbage that he is. Not worthy of your time or notice.

Now is the time to create as much peace as you can for your sons as their parents struggle through this difficult time.

I'm not saying you can't feel vengeful. I still do, and the ideas that bubble through my head are not pretty. But do you want this dude showing up at your doorstep po'd because he (deservedly) lost his job?

I'd rather just never hear his name again.


(((H40)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17917 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, July 16th (Monday)

If the OM is married I would certainly ensure his spouse knows about the PA. I don't know about the school - perhaps only if he is your wife's supervisor.
If your wife has agreed to quit her job that is great - NC is imperative and if they work at the same school however big it is they will meet up. Make sure she follows through and leaves her job. If you do let the school know it is likely to impact on her reference and her ability to get another job - this could end up back firing on you.
Take care HB40.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 728 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 16th (Monday)

If you have proof, send it. The cover up is never good or healing. Unless your IC or MC sees a reason or threat at exposure, go for it. I wish we could do that but the OW is a sociopath and we have been warned against any contact.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1532 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
wanttogoforward
Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 16th (Monday)

This one is tricky.... as someone in a similar position as your wife I would first find out what her rights are........... is she in a union??? Generally when an affair occurs the person in the administation is in BIG trouble, and the person under them not so much. What have the consequences been for others in similar positions in her district?
If she's in a private school there are no rights and she will likely lose her job. If it's public, then there's a good chance not, but there still may be changes in store... a transfer for either her or the supervisor/administrator if he is her direct supervisor.... they really frown upon this behavior..... another thought to find out........... is there ANY TRACE of this affair on the internet through work email??? ANY flirting- anything? These emails are public record (in a public school) and could be out there for others to request and get............ pray these do not exist or she could be in huge trouble............ and yet, with all these possible consequences I still think you should go to her administrators supervisor......... this could end up to be a case of sexual harassment for the school (at least that's a possibility from his boss' standpoint).

Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Heartbroke40
New Member
Member # 36089
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 16th (Monday)

Not a good day today. I love my wife so much but sometimes just looking at her brings such pain. I know I probably messed up tonight but I texted the other man tonight and basically told him meet me man to man or I go to the school board. I told him I would meet him at any place of his choosing gym or dojo. I really just want three rounds with him.


BH 40
WW 40
DD 1 06-04-2012
DD 2 06-22-2012
Currently working on the R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, July 16th (Monday)

Not a good idea. When was D day? Does his W know?


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
Heartbroke40
New Member
Member # 36089
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, July 16th (Monday)

Not a good idea. When was D day? Does his W know?

June 6th was the D-day. I only wished he was married to make sure that he feels some of my hell that I am in now, but for the betterment of women kind this asshat is not married.


BH 40
WW 40
DD 1 06-04-2012
DD 2 06-22-2012
Currently working on the R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, July 16th (Monday)

Hi Heartbroke40, I am sorry for your pain. It's brutal to find out you've been betrayed by your spouse.

Be careful of threatening him, he probably has the text saved and will use it against you if he gets a chance! Believe me, as a BS I know the feeling of wanting to go a round or two with the OP. That is a very natural response to the searing pain you're in right now. But in the end, getting physical with him could result in jail time for you and assault charges. Something to think about in the long term.

Remember that your ww was a *willing* participant in adultery.

You could hurt him a lot more by informing his employer of his actions, I'm sure they will be frowned upon due to him being in a school setting and position of power.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9771 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
OnceWasEnough
Member
Member # 29991
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, July 17th (Tuesday)

I was not happy with my marriage after the first couple of years and pretty much tried to make it implode. My wife and I did finally split up and but I came to my senses and pulled my head out of my butt.

I feel like when I was an ass she tried everything to make me happy, then when I reversed and wanted to do right by her and our family she went off the deep end.

Heartbroke40, exactly what did you do during the time you were an ass? Can you please be a little more specific in what you mean by trying to make your marriage implode?

Sometimes we need to look at all aspects in order to get an idea of the current relationship....

[This message edited by OnceWasEnough at 1:10 AM, July 17th (Tuesday)]


BW-51, WH-54, M-32yrs, 2 grown DD's, DD#1-OW#1 1988, DD#2,3,4,5,6,7,8-OW#2 9/10, 10/10, 12/11, 8/12, 10/12, 12/12, 2/13 Just too many to matter anymore.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Oregon
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, July 17th (Tuesday)

Bro, I understand where your comming from. I really do. I was unfortunate in going at it with OM. All that happened was I was arrested and it gave him/XWW carte blanch to carry on the A as I could not go near either of them due to a RO against me. Cost me some big bucks in legal fees to get the charges dropped. IMO not worth the efort. There are other ways to get at him legally. But thats for another time. Right now you need to concentrate on your WW. She is the one who broke her vows to you. 2 years is a long time to have an A. Im sure feelings were involved that dont go away after they get caught. Whats her story ? Just because shes willing to leave her job does not mean she simply is over OM. Im sure she is embarassed and sad that you caught her. But that does not spell remorse. Now is not the time to thread lightly with her. She needs to step up on the carpet and explain herself. Keep an eye open for future contact. Sadly these scumbag OM dont go away quickly nor does the feelings your WW might have or him. Vigilance is needed.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 4:13 AM, July 17th (Tuesday)]


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Nov 2007
So Naive
Member
Member # 5220
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, July 17th (Tuesday)

Have you offered to go three rounds with your wife in a dojo or gym?

If NOT, then why did you threaten the OM in this way?

She was there in the bedroom, too. Willingly. She even told you her excuses for doing it, which didn't include rape.

Him, you want to beat up. Her, you want to grow old with.


Posts: 1486 | Registered: Aug 2004 | From: northeast
reallyscrewedup7
Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, July 17th (Tuesday)

Heartbroke,

First, we all get that you want to eviscerate the OM. BTDT. But it serves no purpose.

Exposure does.

Quit threatening him. It is counterproductive and as you well know, pointless.

Gather your evidence. Get to a lawyer. Protect yourself and let the lawyer determine the path of exposure to the school board, including the possibility of actionable cause due to sexual impropriety.

And most importantly, quit discussing this with your wife. She just wants it to go away. She really does not want it to go public and she is not your ally in this matter.

Get that through your head.

You need to expect that everything you say to her about this is going STRAIGHT to the OM and his lawyer.

Yes. You do need to consider that.

Let your head rule, not your emotions. Your wife is still clearly in the fog from her posts. It is ALL about her and her pain and her career and her, her, her. Especially how your pain is affecting HER.

I am not saying that she won't snap out of it. I am not saying that when this is done she will not be on your side.

But right now, you are her enemy. You are making her feel bad about all the great sex and fun times she had. You are threatening her future teaching career. And as she has so wonderfully framed it, YOU ARE POSSIBLY HURTING HER CHILDREN. Dude, if that is not a clue that you two are on totally opposite sides of the world, then you need a new GPS unit.

So, I will repeat - gather your evidence and keep it in a safe place. Find a lawyer to guide and protect you. Quit talking to your wife and OM about this. And take action.

If your lawyer says exposure is bad for you, then don't. If he/she gives you the pathway to a lawsuit, then take the rational action.

But right now, all you are doing is driving your WW right back to OM. It is highly likely she will protect him to protect herself. And if you have learned nothing, you have learned she will happily put herself WAY before you.

Strength and healing to you brother. But heal in a healthy, rational way.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 901 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
Heartbroke40
New Member
Member # 36089
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)

Heartbroke40, exactly what did you do during the time you were an ass? Can you
please be a little more specific in what you mean by trying to make your marriage implode?

Sometimes we need to look at all aspects in order to get an idea of the current relationship....

During this time I did not want to be married. Part of my problem is that I believe all women will eventually hurt you. I wanted to be with her but not invest as much of myself as I should have, so that when she left it wouldn't crush me as it had been in a couple relations prior to my wife.

As to exactly what I did it was generally not caring about what she thought, if I wanted to stay out all night at the bar with my buds thats what I did, lie to here about where I was, who I was with, where all things I would do. I then would have a completely double standard if she tried to do the same things I was doing. I made it known if she did I leave her. "all of this is very assholish, I know"

Fast forward to about 5 years ago I was finally fed up with my relationship and wanted out. I decided to end marriage and separated from my wife, but I should mention that I also decided to date someone else at this time. This only for about 2 months before we decided to give our marriage another try.

I really did consider this our new beginning and promised my wife I would not hold back my love for her. I also promised to be what a husband should be and I would put my past ways behind me. All of the above I did, but my wife could not let go of the past and I am just speculating but felt this was her time to have what she felt was the upper hand in the marriage. During this time my wife developed a very big me complex and needed validation from people that she was hot, good looking, and not just someones wife. To do this she got a boob job and started to wear what I felt was inappropriate clothes to work as a teacher. I only agreed to surgery because she wanted it so badly. " I have always thought my wife was more beautiful than I deserved" I told her that I though this was a bad idea because I knew ahead of time I would have problems dealing with this as every one of my friends who had bought their wife boobs had all ended in divorce. My WW promised me this would not happen and that she would never wear anything that would make me feel uncomfortable with the what she did. Well that lasted all of three weeks after the surgery. She would say I was not her father and she would dress as she pleased, even though promising me she wouldn't make it ruff for me.

Needless to say she had her first encounter with the OM only 2 months after this surgery. Her lying, drinking, and general disregard for anything I wanted increased during this time, so yes I would fire back and I am sure this came off as me trying to control her. I am sure some of it was but I was also in protection mode of my kids and I also have some major issues with alcohol and drug dependent people as I grew up and saw my brother and sister destroy their lives with this.

I am sorry for this long post but I wanted to lay it all out there.

[This message edited by Heartbroke40 at 4:17 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]


BH 40
WW 40
DD 1 06-04-2012
DD 2 06-22-2012
Currently working on the R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
reallyscrewedup7
Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, July 19th (Thursday)

Just checking back with you to see how you are doing. Remember, the people on this board know how incredibly hard and unjust this is - you never asked for this and now there are so many things you have to do because of it.

Strength to you and for your healing.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 901 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
keptmypromise
Member
Member # 36178
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, July 19th (Thursday)

I will stick to responding to your question about getting over this...time...then time...and then some more time. Your wifes remorse, and how she treats you, conducts herself. How transparent is she? Do you want to know all the details? I mean everything? I am 13 month's out...I still think about it every day...my wife would not provide details...so the mind movies are still playing...we, as betrayed spouses, need the truth, no matter how sordid...so we can deal and move forward. This pain is not short term, so be patient...but watch her carefully...you can recover, but it is up to her to help you...if she is not up to it, be prepared to move on.


Me - BH 54 years
Her - WS 46 years
DD - 6/13/11 (2 total that i know of)
DD - 14
DD - 11
In R...The long and Winding Road

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Ohio
Heartbroke40
New Member
Member # 36089
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, July 19th (Thursday)

Thank you for responding. I was starting to feel know one read that long post lol. My wife and I have to decided to try and R and I do mean TRY. She has given transparency, I think she has been honest "but I didn't know when she was lying the first time", she has been conducting herself as a married women and seems to be proud of not living a lie.

With that said, I am still triggering all the time. Everything that I remember over the last 2 years I am relating to the OM.


BH 40
WW 40
DD 1 06-04-2012
DD 2 06-22-2012
Currently working on the R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
reallyscrewedup7
Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, July 20th (Friday)

HB40

It is good you are willing to give R a try, but please, do so cautiously. You are still a little foggy yourself. we BHs tend to rush into R thinking we can fix this mess, when we cannot. This mess was 100% caused by our WWs and they really do not have the skills to R, at least not for a long time.

Before you swear on your honor that you want to R, make sure she knows the conditions. And yes, she is going to think you are a controlling asshole for putting conditions on R, but without them, you will never ever feel safe (or safe enough) around her, no matter how good her acting skills might be.

Absolute transparency, stop fighting you over your decision (and it is YOUR decision, not hers) to disclose the A to whomever you need to, to demand IC for her, MC if you want it, stop flirting with other men (she has no boundaries), or whatever you need to feel safe. But you must know what you want before you present it to her (and do so in a non-threatening way - but be clear these are what you need to heal...)

Trust me on this, you may fear losing her. But that is way better than living with a woman who thinks it is okay to screw other men and then cry a little and get you to chase her back. You will never be able to live with yourself if you become that man.

R is hard. My fWW is more engaged in our marriage than ever. She has dropped the woe-is-me, pretty princess selfishness and is really engaged. It is a more balanced marriage than ever. But triggers still happen and my heavy bag is still regularly abused...

Strength to you brother.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 901 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
reallyscrewedup7
Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)

HB

In case you did not see this, you might want to look at what a seriously remorseful WW will tell her BH if she is really interested in R.

I think your wife is on the road, but not there. I hope she is able to look deep and give you what you need to heal and feel safe being with her.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=464492


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 901 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
Heartbroke40
New Member
Member # 36089
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, October 4th (Friday)

Well here I am again. I am feeling like such a dumd ass. I thought all was going well, then I find
out my wife met a guy in a hotel for sex.

I don't understand how she could do this to me again. I will write more in a bit but please pray for me. My phone is acting up.


BH 40
WW 40
DD 1 06-04-2012
DD 2 06-22-2012
Currently working on the R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
BrokenPieces
Member
Member # 7685
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, October 4th (Friday)

I am so sorry that you are going through this again. (((HUGE HUGS))) and I am praying for you.


BS-40
Red Headed Imps 10 & 8
DDay 1/05
Divorce final 6/21/06
My new life is GRAND.
Married my new beginning 6/09

Posts: 2290 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Greater Seattle Area
Simic
New Member
Member # 36675
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Heartbroke40,

Man, I am terribly sorry that you and yours have to go through this nightmare again.

If you feel like talking about it, WTH happened. Do your children know, are you ok? I remember reading your and your WW posts and I thought that you were well on your way to a successful R. Once again man, I'm sorry.

I know how terrible it was for me to go through this the first time. I can't imagine going through it again.

God bless you and your family.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: North Carolina
Heartbroke40
New Member
Member # 36089
Flame  Posted: 2:23 PM, November 18th (Monday)

I just can't believe she did this to me again. I was really trying to be everything she wanted and do all that she wanted. I should have listened to the people on TAM when they said was not remorseful and she was playing me. I have even found that she met the original OM again after she came on here. She stated this was just to get some closure and all they did was kiss goodbye.

Now the most recent encounter involved her meeting a guy in a hotel room for a quickie with man she met on the computer. She stated that he made her feel sexy and he understood her. Well I guess cheaters can understand each other.

At this point I don't know what to do she is begging me not to leave her but I really don't know why she is doing so. I have been questioning myself so much lately and wondering if I am missing the "Kick Me Sign" somewhere on my body. She is now on me a lot for sex and I do enjoy it with her but as soon as we start up I get the mental images and it makes going through it very hard which makes my wife feel like I do not love her. I feel very ugly most days because if I was more handsome I feel like she would not have been looking outside our marriage.

My mind is telling me to go but my heart wants to be with her.


BH 40
WW 40
DD 1 06-04-2012
DD 2 06-22-2012
Currently working on the R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, November 18th (Monday)

Sorry brother.

This all sucks. A random dude she met on the internet? Wow, after what you had been through before? Just messed up brother.

Protect yourself. Physically to start with. NO SEX! At least not unprotected. Even then... Get to a doctor. Do you have any idea of what the STD rate is in the general public? This is some dude from the net who in all likelihood trolls women regularly. Much higher risk

See a lawyer. Regardless of what your heart says, see one. At least discover your options.

Implement the 180. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11. Get some breathing room. You've got some decisions to make and her input is the last that you need. Her honesty is somewhat in question right now.

On that note, are you sure that this is the only other guy? Have you checked the computer and phone? I seriously doubt that this was her first hook-up.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Heartbroke40
New Member
Member # 36089
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, November 18th (Monday)

I have checked all of these things again as I now have some experience in these things "Which I wouldn't anyone to have to learn the way I did" but I just don't have the energy to keep checking up on her. I just want the life of happily married man who loves his kids and has a spouse that values and loves him. I guess this is to much to ask for now days. Instead I get self loathing and feeling very inadequate in every part of my life.


BH 40
WW 40
DD 1 06-04-2012
DD 2 06-22-2012
Currently working on the R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, November 18th (Monday)

Instead I get self loathing and feeling very inadequate in every part of my life.

Stop right there. Don't go down that road. This isn't about you and never has been. This is ALL on her. Sure, some faults in the M. Everyone has been there.

Look, this is at least her second affair. She had to get the boob job. What else does she do to get external validation? She's got some really big issues that have absolutely nothing to do with you. She has something wrong inside and there's no-way that you can fix it. That's up to her and her IC.

180, work on YOU! Protect the kids.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Truly
Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, November 18th (Monday)

Hey Heartbroke,

Please listen to 5454.

This is NOT about you.

I understand that you are still feeling guilty for past actions of your own but that does not mean that she gets to rub your face in filth.
You do not roll over and await a spurious punishment. You had corrected your behaviour....seen your truth and changed.

This belongs to HER alone.

TWO people in a marriage, ONLY.

Give up feeling guilty and sad and get calm and busy. Act as if it is over and make it so, Number 1.

Lawyer + Bin bags = Peace

Kia kaha ((((hugs))))


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, November 18th (Monday)

HB40

Your wife has issues. You have to know this by now.

Show her real consequences.

File for divorce.
Enforce strict boundaries.
And if she keeps screwing around then have her leave the marital home.

You cannot control her, only she can control herself. And obviously she does not want to at this time.

Take action to protect yourself and the kids. She has really put your health as well as her own at risk.

HM


Posts: 906 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)

but I just don''t have the energy to keep checking up on her.
Then don''t. File. Even after she was caught in LTA she not only does it again but gives the same damn dumb excuses...again. Do not let her cake eat.

I just want the life of happily married man who loves his kids and has a spouse that values and loves him. I guess this is to much to ask for now days
It is not too much to ask for. It is apparently more than this woman is capable of providing since she did not and will not truly fix her own issues.

Brother you''ve got to let her go. For your own sake.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4007 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Clearview
Member
Member # 29565
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It hurts especially to know that your home wasn't sacred. My WH brought another into my home too. She stole money and a very precious necklace, that had been the first gift that my daughter had bought me from her own money. She had saved up money she was earning secretly doing odd jobs for neighbours.

Gently, though, I'm a little curious about this;

As to exactly what I did it was generally not caring about what she thought, if I wanted to stay out all night at the bar with my buds thats what I did, lie to here about where I was, who I was with, where all things I would do.


Was this an all night bar, or did you go somewhere after the bar had closed? If so, where did you go? Who were these "buds"? Did they stay out all night with you? Were they close friends or just people you met at the bar? Where did you tell her you had been?
You say you didn't care what she thought, but lied to her anyway. This puzzles me, why lie if you didn't care what she thought?

Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2010
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)

Now the most recent encounter involved her meeting a guy in a hotel room for a quickie with man she met on the computer.

Was this before or after DDay???


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
LIGHTCHASER
New Member
Member # 39841
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)

Hi heartbroken40, like everyone else here I can empathize with you. I wonder what your wife's attitude now. Is she regretful and has she finished her affair with the other guy? If you still love her and want to continue with this marriage you need to make sure that she is willing to work with you to save this marriage and the first step is finishing all contact with that guy. She should resign from that job and find another one. You can never feel relaxed knowing that they will see each other every day and they cannot end this shit as long as they see each other even if they want to. There is another website for only people who want to save their marriage after having experienced infidelity. I think it is a good one too. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/
Good luck


DD: Mid April 2013
Married for 9 years
Have twins aged 3,5

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 37