Wayward Side
User Topic: What I'm sorry for...
New Member
Member # 35722
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, July 20th (Friday)

My H encouraged me to share this letter I wrote him. We had been having a casual conversation about something non-A related and I said "I'm sorry" he said "what do you have to be sorry for?" I laughed sarcastically and decided I needed to make a list of all the things I am sorry for, so here it is...

This is a list of some of the things I am sorry for and regret over the last 9+ months. I know this is not all-inclusive. I know there are many more things I could add to this list but I wanted you to know that I do think of all of these things and that I am sorry. I know I still appear aloof at times and as if I have removed myself from the situation. I am still working on allowing myself to be present and feel things as I experience them instead of waiting until I am alone. I am hopeful that someday I will have that degree of openness with you, as I never have with anyone else.

I am sorry that I didn't allow myself to be vulnerable once I felt more secure with you, once we were married

I'm sorry I held onto all of my fears of rejection

I'm sorry that this affected our bonding and helped to create a wall between us in areas of our marriage

I'm sorry I didn't allow myself to feel intimacy with you during sex

I'm sorry that I didn't tell you what I needed so that we could discuss it like friends

I'm sorry I never thought of you as my best friend for many of the reasons stated above

I'm sorry I never knew you as the person you were at your core

I'm sorry I didn't try harder to find that person when you were depressed and unhappy

I'm sorry I chose to hide behind the kids, our friends and within myself instead of talking to you about it

I'm sorry that I found more value in my friendship with OBS and OM than in a friendship with you

I'm sorry for all of the times I wished you would put on a happy face for me

I'm sorry for all the times I wished you weren't here so that I didn't have to see your pain

I'm sorry that I allowed myself to cross boundaries of friendship with OM

I'm sorry that I became obsessed with spending time with him and OBS in order to feel good

I'm sorry I didn't tell him to stop that first night OM kissed me

I'm sorry I allowed myself to think that his attention made me special and that I deserved to feel that way

I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it the next morning when I was sober

I'm sorry I chose to start an A by these actions and that initially I didn't realize that's what I was doing, had
I told you about it you could have shaken some sense into me

I'm sorry for all of the intimate conversations I shared with him, especially the ones I initiated

I'm sorry for all of the glances, stares, and touches behind your back

I'm sorry for all of the glances, stares, and touches behind OBS's back

I'm sorry for all of the glances, stares, and touches when our kids were outside

I'm sorry that I used his kids as a vehicle to feed my obsessive desire to see him more

I'm sorry that I tried to put our girls in the big sister role of his girls to attempt to join our families

I'm sorry I sent pictures of myself that should have only been shared with you

I'm sorry I encouraged him to send pictures of himself

I'm sorry for all the times I wished I could be with him or talk to him instead of you

I'm sorry I allowed myself to fall into old patterns and obsess over being perceived as fun and wanted and desperately do things I thought he would find attractive so that he would want me the most, chose me
over OBS in his heart and mind so that I would feel loved

I'm sorry I did not value myself enough to see what I was doing, how tortured I was making myself, how I was sacrificing my morals and values and hiding this from myself

I'm sorry for all of the times I kissed him in our house

I'm sorry for all the times I wanted and allowed him to touch me

I'm sorry for all the times I touched him

I'm sorry that I lied to everyone (you, my mom, our friends) about my relationship with him saying we were "just friends"

I'm sorry I had sex with him

I'm sorry for giving him part of me that I couldn't give to you

I'm sorry I didn't value you

I'm sorry I didn't see the value in our marriage and the life we had built together

I'm sorry that by my actions I was throwing our lives together away and didn't see what I was doing for what it was

I'm sorry for giving him oral sex when it was something I almost never did for you

I'm sorry that at the time I felt I had no walls with him and prided myself on that, on being able to open up so completely with him and viewing this as being magical and meant to be

I'm sorry for flaunting my relationship with him in front of you as if to say "see, HE wants me, HE finds me attractive"

I'm sorry for allowing him to give me an O on our couch while you sat on the stairs watching in disbelief I think I may be most sorry for this because of the mental movies this has given you and the amount of anger you have towards yourself for not seeing it for what it was and stopping it

I'm sorry I denied it vehemently when you asked me what was going on

I'm sorry that when I did confirm your thoughts of what you saw I showed no remorse and was angry at you for your reaction

I'm sorry that my thoughts were of how to keep my relationship going with OM and the panic I felt that your discovery may change that.

I'm sorry that I was not thinking of you and how you were feeling. I only saw anger not pain and I tuned it out

I'm sorry that OM and I talked extensively about how we could fix the situation so that we could continue our relationship

I'm sorry that I allowed myself to become completely obsessed with OM as my source of happiness and comfort

I'm sorry I projected my every want and need onto his persona, thinking he could fill everything I felt was lacking in me

I'm sorry that even while we were working on our marriage and getting stronger I would still miss the feeling I got from him

I'm sorry for all the times I was defensive with you trying to guard my feelings out of guilt and shame

I'm sorry that I am unable to give you what you desire in a detailed account of certain events related to the A

I'm sorry that I lied to you so effectively and for so long that you are now unable to know when I am telling you the truth

I'm sorry that you can't focus at work because you are so consumed by thoughts of the A

I'm sorry you have to take time out of your day to check up on me and make sure I have not contacted OM

I'm sorry that I turned your best friend into your worst enemy

I'm sorry that my actions caused you to feel so much despair and pain that you considered suicide

I'm sorry that you will never be able to have the innocence to look at me the same adoring way ever again

I'm sorry I robbed you of your security in our marriage

I'm sorry that you bare the burden of my betrayal

I love you and respect you for all that you have done to try to heal our marriage and for staying strong.

Me: WW 40
Him: BS 41 (DWBH)
2 girls 10 & 12
D day: 9/24/11 TT 5/4/12
"You told me that I would find a hole within the fragile substance of my soul and I have filled this void with things unreal,and all the while my character it steals."

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, July 20th (Friday)

Wow. That's one hell of a list. And I mean that in a good way.

As a BW,I get tired of hearing the general,"Im sorry." I've told my FWH I need him to tell me what he is sorry for,and be specific. So then he tells me,"Im sorry I hurt you. Im sorry I fucked up. Im sorry I destroyed our marriage." And that's about it.

It's clear you've done alot of work on yourself.

Good luck to you and your husband.

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7694 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, July 20th (Friday)

(((Thorny Rose & DWBH)))

Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - FranÁois-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17851 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, July 20th (Friday)


That's beautiful! Keep up the good work. Remember those things you are sorry for and bring them up when DWBH is struggling.

You are off to a great start.

Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, July 20th (Friday)

Thank you for sharing.

[This message edited by lost_in_toronto at 7:55 PM, July 20th (Friday)]

Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.

Posts: 1678 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, July 20th (Friday)

Wow Thornyrose!

That is one touching, sincere, heartfelt and thorough list. Sounds like you have been doing a lot of work on the "getting it" front. Congratulations and good work. I know this stuff is hard.

One small gentle suggestion. Not a critique, just a suggestion:

I am sorry says: "I feel badly about my actions and I regret them."

I apologize says: "I regret how my actions have made you feel."

Small but crucial distinction in my opinion. Not that "I am sorry" isn't important. It is! it is vital. But start adding some "I apologize for" into the mix.

Believe me it goes a long way.

Keep up the good work and I firmly believe you guys are going to make it through this thing.


Me:BH 41
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 438 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, July 20th (Friday)

Thank you for sharing your letter, TR. It took a lot of courage to do that.

The fact that you took it upon yourself to compose it after a casual in which you could have just gone with his:

"what do you have to be sorry for?"

I applaud you for being pro-active and putting your heart and soul into it.

Your remorse and love for your husband was very apparent in that letter.

It was beautiful. Again. Thanks for sharing it.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
New Member
Member # 35722
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, July 20th (Friday)

Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. I have not posted/shared much since I joined but I find huge value in everything I read here. It was not easy for me to share such a personal and graphic letter but I hope it will help someone else that is struggling.

WOES, thanks so much for keeping tabs on me and encouraging me along the way.

HT, I have always thought of those words as synonymous. Thanks for clarifying. I will definitely keep that in mind from now on. Thanks for your response. I know you have been a great help to DWBH and I value your input greatly. You seem to hit the nail on the head so often.

Me: WW 40
Him: BS 41 (DWBH)
2 girls 10 & 12
D day: 9/24/11 TT 5/4/12
"You told me that I would find a hole within the fragile substance of my soul and I have filled this void with things unreal,and all the while my character it steals."

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 23412
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, July 20th (Friday)

Wow.....That must have been hard to write.

As hard as it would be to see this, I believe every BS would appreciate an in depth I'm sorry letter.

You have certainly examined yur actions.

Good work.

me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage

Posts: 1047 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
Member # 35512
Content  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 21st (Saturday)

This was the most sincere, no-walls gesture to date, and has given me more hope and optimism than anything else throughout this whole ordeal. Sharing it with the SI community shows me you have the courage to look at that reflection in the mirror, and own your decisions, and the consequences... and most importantly, I see and acknowledge the hard work you are doing on your own!

I love ya, baby! <3

Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 21st (Saturday)

I wish I'd received something like that from my WW.

Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Member # 28301
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 21st (Saturday)

Good list. So much more powerful than "I'm sorry I hurt you", or (even worse) "I'm sorry you were hurt". One question, though, and this one would bug the heck out of me

I'm sorry that I am unable to give you what you desire in a detailed account of certain events related to the A

Why not?

Sigh... how did I end up here?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Nashville
New Member
Member # 35722
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 21st (Saturday)

Thank you DWBH for saying that! It means a lot to me that this helped us move another step forward.

Good question GeauxTigers! I was referring to the pictures that were exchanged between myself and MOM. H has been very troubled by not only the fear and rage that the ones I sent may still exist somewhere out there but also by the fact that I was unable to give him dates that the pics were sent. Initially when I started coming clean with all the details I was confused on the order of how things developed and gave some erroneous dates. To me it felt like the A spanned a much greater time than it actually did. The PA was almost a year ago and I have a notoriously horrible memory. Once H helped me with a detailed time-line I was able to better pinpoint the month in which the pics were sent but still have no reference for the exact month or day. At this point I wish I had kept a copy of the pics on my phone so I could go back and know with certainty the dates but I did not so we just need to find a way to lessen his pain. We have a very open line of communication now and this helps both of us tremendously.

Thanks again for everyone's responses. It was very difficult for me to share such an intimate part of our relationship and myself. Thanks for making it easier.


Me: WW 40
Him: BS 41 (DWBH)
2 girls 10 & 12
D day: 9/24/11 TT 5/4/12
"You told me that I would find a hole within the fragile substance of my soul and I have filled this void with things unreal,and all the while my character it steals."

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 35633
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)

This is amazing. I am trying to write things in my journal about my remorse and reading this brings tears to my eyes and stings my heart. Thank you for sharing.

WS aren't the only ones that lie and hurt others.

Posts: 69 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Ohio
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, July 23rd (Monday)


Thank you so much for sharing this, not just for DWBH (and let me tell you, this will really aid in his healing), but for all the BSs out there that need to see what remorse looks like.

There was so much pain in that apology. I hope it helps you in your healing.

Strength and blessings to you and DWBH.

Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 901 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
Member # 34008
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, July 23rd (Monday)


Awesome ! I LOVE LOVE LOVE it when a WS shares something so insightful and heartfelt. What a good way for others to learn what being sorry really is.

Great job!

Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, July 23rd (Monday)

Thank you for sharing this. Keep up the hard work.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, July 23rd (Monday)

I have found that when my W takes the time to write things down or write me a letter they seem much more valuable to me.

I guess saying things are hard and the obvious trust issues involved, putting them on paper makes them easier to believe.

My W actually wrote me a letter awhile back that I carry with me and read once awhile. It helps sometimes.

It is so important to know 100% that you are sorry. It may be difficult, shameful, but it really does help a BS heal some. It is part of the process and if it was easy SI wouldn't need to exists.

Keep at it, you are on the right path.

Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.

Posts: 2559 | Registered: May 2010
Member # 27887
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 23rd (Monday)

ThornyRose, I read this over the weekend and I was and still am moved from this post.

I wish I could have received a letter like this.

WS-Him 36 (2 PA's)IamsosorryHB1993 (IASS)
BS-Me 36
Married 11yrs, together 20yrs. HS Sweethearts & Onlies
DD 5yrs
DS 3yrs
Getting Better

Posts: 1200 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: OH
Member # 26284
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 23rd (Monday)

I got the very same "I am sorry for..." list, written by my FWH, about nine months post dday and while we were spending a very romantic weekend away from the kids. This type of heartfelt letter was certainly a healing tool in R for the both of us. I read it outloud with my FWH present...we both cried during much of this three page, typed letter. Every once and a while, while I am having a "bad day" I pull out my H's words just to remind myself what it is that he is truly sorry for...I am almost three years out!

In my opinion, any WS's that are remorseful would benefit greatly by writing a letter, such as this, to their BS once they truly understand the depth of their betrayal....and when their whys were figured out. It certainly helped us!

Great job Thorny!

On Dday -BS-me 41 FWS-him 42
Married 19 years 3 kids (16,13,9)
D-Day 10/2/09- TT til Feb. 2010

ďTo love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.Ē -CS Lewis

Posts: 1043 | Registered: Nov 2009
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 23rd (Monday)

Impressive!..Great Job ThornyRose

The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Member # 31892
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, July 24th (Tuesday)

Thorny rose
Thank you for setting a example of what a Wayward should do for their spouse. I know that took a huge amount of courage.
You have inspired me to dig deeper. I never gave this detailed a letter to my wife. I hope you continue to heal

Never forget what I have done to BS but don't let guilt make me quit. STAY IN THE FIGHT ! ! !
WS 47 me
BS 47 her
5 Great Children
DD 1/15/11

Posts: 213 | Registered: Apr 2011
Member # 35646
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, July 24th (Tuesday)

This makes my heart shift... I'm glad that you were able to do this I'm sorry letter.... I wish my FWH could do the same.... He says he is sorry... But I don't think he really know what he did unless it is broken down in ways that we both understand. Thank you for this. 👍

Me: 33
Ow: 27 (worked together)
Married 6years, 2 kids

Posts: 66 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 17th (Wednesday)

BUMP for SadSpouse

Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

I just might have to take a leaf out of your book - well done. That's must have been tough to do, but so worthwhile.

Also just wanted to let you know how impressed LonelyHusband is - he just read this a said really well done, he can really feel your pain; but the value of that list of apologies and how you phrased it is limitless.

Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

..that was one 'helluva' comprehensive list! hat's off to you. fWW has not given me a list of 'sorries' but could easily use quite a number of yours.

..i wonder if she ever read them here when you originally posted?

well doe ThornyRose..


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf

Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

...for all the BSs out there that need to see what remorse looks like.

True Remorse is gentle, kind, compassionate, patient and tender. It is surrendering to the truth no matter how scared you are.

It's not merely understanding what you've done to your spouse or feeling sorry/guilty for their hurt. IMO STBXWH betrayed himself too so it should not be just my pain he was feeling, but his own.

With true remorse a BS can reach a place of not defining their WS by their betrayal. A WS will also stop defining themselves by it too.

You are owning your shit TR and that is an amazing thing most are incapable of. Remember to take the time to be really proud of yourself for that.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 8:40 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)]

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, October 18th (Thursday)

This is awesome! Thanks for sharing it with us!!

FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children

"Your secrets keep you sick"

Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, October 19th (Friday)

With true remorse a BS can reach a place of not defining their WS by their betrayal. A WS will also stop defining themselves by it too.

This is a great perspective, and very well articulated!

Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, February 15th (Friday)

Bumping for some people in need

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
ďI have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.Ē
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2993 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 9189
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, February 16th (Saturday)

My WW said she was sorry a few times, but never said why. At one point I told her she didn't have to apologize anymore. It was empty.
I so wish she could have apologized like your original post. It would have meant the world to me.
I can tell that came from your heart.

Me: 50
Her: 49
D-Day 11-15-05
D-Day #2&3 12/2012
Married: 30
Who will care 100 years from now.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Montana
Member # 37458
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 16th (Saturday)

I've never posted on this forum before, but I had to for this one.

Getting a very detailed apology from my WH would be huge for R. Especially one you could read over whenever you feel the need.

This is pretty awesome!

Sounds like your very remorseful and getting it. I hope some WS can learn from your example. It must have been very hard to dig that deep and then to write it all out.

Good job TR!!

BS (Me): 37
WH: 40

Dday: March 2011 (found out EA Phone records)
2nd Dday: June 18, 2011 (OW told me about WH secret phone)
3rd Dday: December 13, 2012 (found evidence WH stalking Ow on FB)
4th Dday: February 4, 2013 (confession of 2nd secret

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: East Coast
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, February 16th (Saturday)

BH here. This list is so detailed and awesome. Must have taken a lot of courage to do it.

My WW could use a lot of the things written there.

BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..

Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, February 17th (Sunday)

I remember reading this months ago and loving it. I would love to get a list like this someday. Wonderful job!

Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 589 | Registered: Dec 2012
New Member
Member # 38745
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, March 18th (Monday)

This is what every bs needs to hear..and its not just the words..but the work you did to be able to express them..

Me 44 bs
He. 36 ws
False on the fence

"The hardest part of finally seeing you was accepting what I see"

Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: florida
New Member
Member # 37717
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, March 18th (Monday)

I have not posted before, but I have to say I truly loved this post. I agree,it would be wonderfull to recieve something like this from my wh.

Me bs 58
Him ws 57
Married 36 years
Children 2, grandchildren 3
Dday 1 2012-11-03, Dday2 2012-12-08
Dday 3 2013-06-20 separating

Posts: 17 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Ontario
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, March 18th (Monday)

I am truly impressed. Getting a letter like that, that speaks from the heart and explains truly how you feel inside and what is in your head would be a blessing beyond description for a betrayed spouse. I am certain your husband cherishes that letter and that it will help him immensely in his healing.

Me-BH 63
Her-fWW 63
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
DDay June, 1985
DDay June 1985
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 4 grandkids

Posts: 592 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, March 19th (Tuesday)

I am certain your husband cherishes that letter and that it will help him immensely in his healing.


Although, I wouldn't quite use the word cherish. More like this was a building block in the foundation of our R. I struggle to read thru this whole thing, as it really triggers me. I've read it maybe 10 times since she sent it to me.

[This message edited by DWBH at 7:42 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, March 19th (Tuesday)

Bravo to you for writing this letter to your BS. I couldn't read it all (too many triggers) but having gotten a similar one from my FWH, I can feel your sincerity and remorse. Writing that must've been incredibly painful and that is exactly what we BS need from our FWS.

I am always glad to read posts like this one where a FWS really "gets" it.

Married 20 years
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)

What a true gift you have given your BS. Beautifully painful, in a good way.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
New Member
Member # 35722
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, March 20th (Wednesday)

I want to thank everyone who has posted a comment on this thread for all of your kind words and encouragement. It was a very difficult letter to compose and more than a bit uncomfortable for me to share with everyone here.
I feel like I need to clarify or add on to what I wrote last July. When I wrote this letter it was driven by panic that DWBH was going to leave me. The A and subsequently the relationship with, who I considered at the time, my two best friends in the world had just ended abruptly two months before. I was very confused and very lost. I spent 2 days composing the letter you have all read. I had one person I was confiding in other than my IC. At that time I really had no idea what I was in for. I could not begin to fathom how my actions had affected DWBH or how they would affect the rest of our lives. I was still in the fog to some degree. It would take many months to fully realize how far reaching those actions were. It literally affected, and to some extent still affects every aspect of my life. Every relationship I have with every friend and family member. Weather they know about the A or not. It is actually easier to hang out with those that know which is something I never would have expected at the beginning when I was afraid everyone would shun me.

But what I really want to address is the fact that this letter was certainly not the end-all be-all fix for our M. This was the very first step in my admitting that I had done something to hurt DWBH. It was like recounting the timeline of events and looking at them from the outside and seeing how horrible it all sounded. It allowed me to step back and see from a different perspective what I had become. I was always the stable one within my circle of family and friends. The good daughter, sister, mother, friend, wife. I was the one who had my shit together. It was a very shocking realization to me that I had fucked up so badly. I had always believed that I was good. That I could never do anything to truly hurt someone else.

For a long time this would drive me to a deep sense of shame. The shamed feeling would cause me to shut down and become defensive. As all of you veteran WS out there know this was the absolute worst response I could have for DWBH. We went round and round with this and still do some months when my PMS makes me crazy.

What I think I have finally come to terms with though is that I can feel guilt without feeling shame. I am not a bad person. I was extremely selfish and took what I felt I needed at the time. I was lacking something and for some reason at that moment in time I decided what I needed was more important than anything or anyone else. I took that step that I didnít even see and crossed the line. I convinced myself that MOM was my very best friend. That he understood me better than anyone ever had. Somehow that made it all OK.

Unfortunately now I can see how misguided this was. It took months to realize. That fantasy world is a hard one to shatter. I credit DWBH with the majority of itís destruction. He was so persistent. He fought for us like crazy. I know he still struggles daily with negative thoughts and coming to terms with his sacrifices but I honestly donít know what would have become of me had he not been as persistent as he was. He forced the NC. He forced the IC and the MC. He badgered me into reading on SI and joining. He strongly encouraged me to read NJF, which by the way was huge in making those initial cracks in the fantasy world. If he had not taken all of these steps we would now be D. I am convinced. Instead we talk multiple times a day while at work, spend every evening together, spend every weekend together, have a good talk about the A and any thoughts that have come up or dreams we have had at least once a week, are planning a family vacation to Mexico, and basically enjoy spending as much time together as we can. We are best friends in every sense. Sorry this has gotten so long-winded. Iíll stop it here. Thanks again for all the kind words and all of the support everyone here has shown DWBH over the many months.

Me: WW 40
Him: BS 41 (DWBH)
2 girls 10 & 12
D day: 9/24/11 TT 5/4/12
"You told me that I would find a hole within the fragile substance of my soul and I have filled this void with things unreal,and all the while my character it steals."

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, March 20th (Wednesday)

He was so persistent. He fought for us like crazy. I know he still struggles daily with negative thoughts and coming to terms with his sacrifices but I honestly donít know what would have become of me had he not been as persistent as he was.
I''m sure this is/was exhausting for him but he kept on pushing forward. There may come a time when it will catch up with him. The fatigue of this marathon will hit him to his core and when it does (assuming it hasn''t fully done so already) it will make those questions of "Why did I fight so hard for R? Was it worth it (when I feel like this)? Why? Why? Why?" ring in his head like an echo from hell. That''s when he will need you the most.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 38021
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)

Thanks for the original post and the update. So many of us wish we could have had a WS who made half as much effort while we hung on as long as we could. At least I can pretend now what that letter would have looked like.

BH (me)-42
EA DD#1 5/07
EA/PA DD#1 9/2/10
DD#2 4/2/11
DD#3 9/11
DD#4 12/26/12
12/31/13 divorced.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: californy
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)

Wow, ThornyRose, that must have been very emotionally draining to write. My H has apologised many, many times, but not anything close to that. After reading your list of things you are soyrry for, it is now clear to me that this is something that I have needed from my H, but haven''t been able to articulate. Thank you for the courage you had in sharing.

Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.Ē
― Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 953 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 44