Just Found Out
User Topic: Letter to my wayward husband
New Member
Member # 36323
Default  Posted: 2:13 AM, August 9th (Thursday)

Cannot sleep tonight. Here's a first pass at the letter I plan to send my husband soon. Suggestions and edits are welcomed.

[i]Dear Husband,

Your behavior towards me during the past week has been unacceptable. Your interactions with [ex-wife] since she began her divorce have also been unacceptable. If our marriage is to survive this turmoil, I need to see some changes from you, very quickly.

You will need to limit your contact with [ex-wife] to emails regarding child rearing only. She will always been in our lives because of the kids, so when additional interaction with her is unavoidable we will figure out how to proceed as a couple. I will have access to all of your emails with [ex-wife] as well as access to your cell phone and computer. You used those tools to emotionally cheat on me, so I no longer trust what you do with email and texting.

We will both see individual and marital counselors. We will find our marital counselor together; we must both feel comfortable with the person who will help us repair our marriage.

You will NEVER speak to me the way you spoke to me the other night again. I will not tolerate verbal or emotional abuse from you. I felt heartbroken and so hurt when you spoke to me the way you did and called me names. I am pregnant with your child. I deserve and require your respect. I have never and will never speak to you in that way, because I never want to hurt you so badly.

Until I feel confidant you are meeting these requirements you will not come to doctor appointments with me. You will not be a part of my life. I am not your backup plan, and as much as I love you, I cannot be in a marriage where you pine for your ex-wife.

If you choose to fight for our marriage, I will be your closest ally. I love you. I want us to be together. But my self-respect and my need to be loved for me outweighs that want.


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, August 9th (Thursday)

This looks very good leonine.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It sucks when you have to treat your spouse like a child.

My only suggestion would be to change the "need to see some changes from you very quickly" to "immediately"..

With the wayward "very quickly" may often times be construed as "28 months" by their own fog-based measurement system, so try to quantify anything and everything since anything not specific will likely be abused, stretched or manipulated.

BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Member # 36143
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, August 9th (Thursday)

Outstanding! Shows the love you have for him but even more importantly shows the love you have for YOU and that you deserve and demand respect!

BS (me): 55 years old
WH: 46 years old
Married 15 years
EA for 5 months, escalated into PA (3 times) for one month.
D-Day: June 11, 2012

The more I know people, the more I love my pets.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
Member # 36401
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, August 9th (Thursday)

That is an awesome letter!

Posts: 282 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 9th (Thursday)

Great letter. Best of luck to you.

"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
Member # 32101
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, August 9th (Thursday)

I have never and will never speak to you in that way, because I never want to hurt you so badly.

It is a fanatastic letter, clear and firm. I would rethink this line though. Only because you are potentially at the start of the long, hard journey of R in which your anger may rise in any number of ways you can't currently see. He has hurt you badly, and you may want to hurt him badly, its a natural response and a reoccurring reality of peoples' posts here on SI are anythiing to go by. Just wouldn't want to see you make pledges you later feel ashamed you couldn't keep. I think its fine to say you have done nothing to warrant that kind of treatment of you. He, on the other hand, has.

BS(me), FWH(gone), 2DS
M-16y, now S
A friend will calm you down when you're angry, but a best friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing: "Someone's gonna get it!"

Posts: 124 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Wisconsin
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, August 10th (Friday)

Who wrote that for you? That seems so incredibly coherent for someone so soon after D Day. I couldn't have written something so effective as you have 6 months in. You have good handle on this. Stick to your guns. I am sorry that you have to be her, but this is a great letter that you have written.

Posts: 718 | Registered: May 2011
New Member
Member # 36323
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, August 10th (Friday)

I have always been able to express my feelings better in writing than by talking. It I had said this to my husband i would have been a hot mess

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Just found this post while searching for something to help another SI member. Your letter is awesome and extremely well written. I hope it served you well. Thanks!!

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

This is fantastic.
You are firm and absolute.

I wish I would have had my shit together enough to write something like this on dday.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8738 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 10