SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Hello, and Welcome to Year Two
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

We are glad you are here. Let's take a tour, shall we?

Behind you, we have the Year One Hall of Hell. While you will never have to travel back there again, it will follow you for awhile and you will cast furtive glances towards it was a very dangerous place for you. Be mindful it is there, but don't turn back and travel down it again.

Ahead, you have The What the Fuck, Are you Serious, this Really Happened Hotel. The amenitites of this fine establishment include the Unnumbing Spa. Here, the general sense of disbelief you've held for the past year becomes an acceptance that what happened, happened, and can't be undone. The WTF Hotel also features the Anger Gym and the Who Am I Lounge which you will bounce between on occasion.

Outside the WTF Hotel lies The Plain of Lethal Flatness. Here, you won't give a shit about anything. You will generally be thinking "really? this is my life? serious? are you shitting me? I don't know what I want, who I want, and I certainly don't understand why I don't want any of it, but I don't."

Beyond the Plain lies something called Progress and Healing and Real Acceptance. Be patient. It appears you must spend your time in the Hotel and the Plain before you can journey further. Eventually transportation will be provided. Don't ignore too many options for transport as you do not want to be stuck in either place for too long.

Thank you, and good luck on your journey.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
worst-year-ever
Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

Year Two SUCKS.

Just had to say that.
Carry on.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
girlsbird
Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

Well said!


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
RS2731
Member
Member # 33947
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

You have the ability to always make me laugh!

I'm starting Year 2 in a not so bad place, but I can refer to this when (if) it tanks.


Me - BS, 36
Him - WH, 36
Married - 11 years
DS - 4
D-Day - September 2011
In process of R.

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.


Posts: 2213 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CT
DWBH
Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

It doesn't appear to be a linear journey. Lately, I've been taking day trips between WTF Hotel, and The Plain, interspersed with some really good, legitimate Acceptance visits.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

Your post is so spot on! Unfortunately my H chose to kind of blow things up in year two, so it set things back.

Although I think he is still vacillating between year one and year two right now in his healing due to not dealing with things. And we are quickly heading towards year three.

My healing seems to be on the fast track and I was really having trouble with the flatness and the WTF factor. Lately I am moving towards real acceptance and that feels good.

Year two is a real bitch. Hang on for the ride. I thought one was hard, but nothing compared to two. I think year two is where the BS has to really make the choice to start healing and stay in the marriage or not. It is a really tough choice.

Great post rebreather!


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4524 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Twigs323
Member
Member # 34055
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

Rebreather,

What would we do with out you? I guess the fact that I can actually laugh at this post is a good sign.

Speaking of tours, when does your one woman stand up fall tour start???


It doesn't appear to be a linear journey. Lately, I've been taking day trips between WTF Hotel, and The Plain, interspersed with some really good, legitimate Acceptance visits.


^^Me too, DW, me too^^

(((((rebreather)))))


Posts: 1429 | Registered: Nov 2011
Exhausted in OH
Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

Thanks Rebreather, you made me laugh out loud (not an easy task as I enter the WTF hotel ). Are you implying that our Sept 2011 club is dominating the R board lately? LOL

For months, I have read this board and thought that I would somehow avoid the 2nd year woes. And here I am, exactly 8 days into year 2, and find myself thinking all day long - WTF? This really happened?

Thank you for reminding us that we are normal. I have been feeling a little crazy


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 424 | Registered: Dec 2011
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

Thank you rebreather for this rated r preview of the upcoming attraction at my local. Not there yet, but thanks for the synopsis. Be well.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1477 | Registered: Dec 2011
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, September 27th (Thursday)


Nailed it.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

Exhausted, it's hard to see so many of you struggling in the same place. It's my codpendance! LOL I want to make it easier for you somehow, but I know you just have to go through the stages and the process. But you ARE normal, that is for sure. Nobody ever said normal wasn't shitty, right?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

Im about 6 weeks into year two. Ive already visited the WTF Hotel,but can't seem to stay out of the Angry Gym. I long to visit The Plain. But,alas,WH keeps saying stupid shit,and I find myself living in the Gym.

Spot on post,rebreather. As usual.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7147 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
btrayedbyhim
Member
Member # 26941
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, September 27th (Thursday)


BRILLIANT! Totally BRILLIANT!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE...
Can you do a Year 3 for me? I'll frame it!!


As of Dec 2009:
Me: BS46
Him: FWH39 - NPD
Married: 20+ years
Kids: 3
D-Day: 9-28-09
Spent 4 yrs trying. He blew it.
Arrested for DV: 9-6-13
Fuck Him

Posts: 397 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: an island at the beach (aka heaven)
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Evil  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

Rebreather - I sent you a pm, like yesterday!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4529 | Registered: Dec 2010
skatey0
Member
Member # 33207
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

This is brilliant!!

Made me laugh out loud, I may even send it to my MC.

I am firmly i year two and looking forward to my transportation!!


Me - BW 31
Him - fWH 31
M 4yrs Together 8yrs
Kids (2) 6yrs and 3yrs
D-day #1 21.4.11
D-day #2 23.06.11 (whole truth apparently)
OW 26yrs from his work,M no kids, EA/PA started March 11

I am married to a compulsive liar


Posts: 178 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: UK
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

It doesn't appear to be a linear journey.

Agreed on the not linear. I met anger first. WTF came and went quickly. Anger returned (at myself the second time - why did I let your stupid and childish actions impact my life? oh because I thought you were a grown up.) Lethal Plain is here but fading. I really like it here but if I stay I will leave if you know what I mean.
Acceptance is just around the corner. I can actually see it. It's like truth - its exists but is a shadow that keeps moving on me.

Truth is I have healed mostly on my own and now if I want it to work I have to let her back in. She doesn't know the way so I need to show her.

Thanks for the laugh Rebreather.

Take care...



Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jan 2012
HurtButHoping12
Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

We are a few months into year 2 and omg, this is SO spot-on. Year 2 sucks!


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

Acceptance is just around the corner. I can actually see it. It's like truth - its exists but is a shadow that keeps moving on me.

Truth is I have healed mostly on my own and now if I want it to work I have to let her back in. She doesn't know the way so I need to show her.

Change the her to him, and this is how I feel. Standing still on this I guess. I think when I get to total acceptance, I can truly let him back in.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4524 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

That made me laugh! Thanks! And jayzus -- how the hell am I going to survive that long? I honestly just want to lie down and float away right now...


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Aug 2012
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

I am two months into yr 2 and I am on the Plain. Its not that I dont care but right now I dont care. KWIM?


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1592 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

I am quickly approaching the end of year two and let me be one of the few to say:

"It wasn't as bad as I had heard"

It was not easy, but I feel like none of this ever will be easy. Without question yr 2 was easier than years 1...phew. My hope is that yr 3 will be easier than yr 2.

I think there are clear reasons why year 2 was "not so bad" :

- A deeply remorseful WH

- A WH who never lingered in any "fog"

- A WH who was accountable for his actions.

- Moved 1600+ miles away (this was HUGE in easing the turmoil): never run the risk of seeing MOW, my WH never sees MOW co-worker, I left so many triggers behind.

-When I experienced bad days during this past year I had a WH who continued to show patience and understanding, who never once said (or made me feel) like I should get over it already.

-During year two I continued to believe that I am far better than either WH or MOW. They did what they did, they must live with what they did and they must live with who they are. I am VERY happy with the person that I am and would NEVER change places with them. I like what I see in the mirror. Bottom line...I never struggle with self esteem before or after my WH A.

So, for those entering year two...it is not always as difficult as you might read. I would encourage you to enter in a positive mind set.

I did enjoy the post, very creative. Sadly, it does ring true for so many.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2092 | Registered: Nov 2011
petite71
Member
Member # 36475
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

I have to be at the WTF Hotel for 2 yrs. He is so lucky I am giving him another chance. This WTF Hotel sucks a** & I am not going back if it happens again.
Thanks for sharing your reviews about the WTF Hotel.


1st DD 03/24/2012 2nd DD 07/13/2012 TT A. in 2002 same girl when we were dating.
Status:Getting Stronger...we can get through this & are healing together
BS(me):41
WS(Husband):40
LTA 10 yrs EA/PA 9 times. friends with benefits.
Us..Together 12 yr

Posts: 125 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

Great. Thanks for the warning.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3763 | Registered: Dec 2011
boontje
Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

Thanks for the post Rebreather. I think I'm in year two, but not quite sure if the broken NC at the end od year one set the clock back to day one. At times it feels like that and others, not so much. I don't really know where the heck i belong these days.


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 934 | Registered: Aug 2011
raindancer
Member
Member # 34023
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

Where the fuck is the door to the Plain of Lethal Flatness?!?! I just keep wandering back and forth between Anger Gym and the Who Am I? place!


BS - Me, 34
WS - Husband, 41
Married 5 years, together an eternity.
DDay - 9/13/11
Reconciling

"Well I've been had, yeah I guess that's how it looks. And it's not funny like on TV, and it's not smart like it is in books."


Posts: 1649 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Ohio
lifeblowntobits
Member
Member # 33687
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

Rebreather, could you possibly write a manual for all of us?? This year 2 has got my brain so tangled that I usually can't put into words what I'm feeling. Yesterday, I just kept reading Twigs and raindancer's posts saying, "yes, yes, yes, thats me too!!". (the cat is starting to think I am little kooky! )

Not a linear journey is an understatement, I feel like I am just running around in circles visiting all the lovely destinations that year 2 has to offer!

I know it has been said before....but always worth repeating.....INFIDELITY SUCKS!!!


Me-BS-44, Him-WH-45-very remorseful
OW-Married, opportunistic co-worker whore
DD#1 7-30-2011: everything else lies until 2-12-12
Married 11years, DS19y, DS15y
2.5 years out: in a good place, light at the end of the tunnel


Posts: 1646 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Illinois
brokenfyrman
Member
Member # 31938
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, September 28th (Friday)

Four more days and I get to check out into year 3. What's the next stop on this screwed up journey?


Me BS 42, STBX 40 renamed numero cinco
OM#2 puppylove from HS
EA 10/07 thru 5/08
PA 5/12,13,14 and 7/26 of 08
Admitted to calls/email texts 08/08, TT until D/Day 10/10
OM#1, 9 mos after "I do"
She walked out on me and her kids 1/1/14 (

Posts: 314 | Registered: Apr 2011
girlsbird
Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, September 28th (Friday)

30 days until check out. Just want someone to tell me its not like the Hotel California.

(Edited cause I posted after 30...)

[This message edited by girlsbird at 5:54 AM, September 28th (Friday)]


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
RS2731
Member
Member # 33947
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, September 28th (Friday)

So, for those entering year two...it is not always as difficult as you might read. I would encourage you to enter in a positive mind set.
Thank you for this! I am in a pretty decent place right now. We still have issues and there are still bumpy moments, but overall I feel much better. I was starting to freak out a little about that.


Me - BS, 36
Him - WH, 36
Married - 11 years
DS - 4
D-Day - September 2011
In process of R.

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.


Posts: 2213 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CT
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, September 28th (Friday)

Thanks Rebreather.

The Gym and The Lounge are overcrowded and not a place I want to stay too long. I've stepped out the door and hung out in The Plain for a breather but then ventured back into the Gym and Lounge again.


Growing forward

Posts: 1764 | Registered: Sep 2011
struggling16
Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, September 28th (Friday)

Thank you for this. It's wonderful to smile.

Yesterday was the 21 month anniversary of Dday for me. I'm welcoming the Plain of Lethal Flatness with open arms. I've been running like a maniac up and down the halls of the WTF Hotel between the Lounge and the Gym. Unfortunately the Mind Movies Theatre has been getting undue attention lately. It's comforting to know I'm not alone.


Posts: 703 | Registered: Aug 2011
DWBH
Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, September 28th (Friday)

Unfortunately the Mind Movies Theatre has been getting undue attention lately.

Yeah, I've been a regular attendee of that theater lately as well. It usually concludes in the Anger gym, and me having some very raw knuckles after wailing on the heavybag (aka OM).


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, September 28th (Friday)

You know, there is a tunnel under the Plain. You don't have to go through the Plain. I think for some, the Plain is welcome relief and to others, not so much.

But I'm sorry, I don't know where the tunnel is. I could never find it. I had to go through the Plain.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
del311
Member
Member # 33840
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, September 28th (Friday)

rebreather that was badass!!! crazy how true it is! you had me on the floor laughing!!!


BS(me)..39
WS(her)..38
OM(boy)..22(WTF)
Married..18y
2 children..18 & 5
DDay 3/3/11 "EA only"
DDay 3/7/11 "yup PA"
Grasping for R...fingers.cramped.losing.grip...

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: san diego
Buckeye Wife
Member
Member # 28702
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, September 30th (Sunday)

Yep, been hanging out in the WTF hotel and the Anger Gym quite frequently. I've been a guest for way too long.

I think I've found the Plain too. So my stay has been extended as I am well into year three.


BS (Me): Forties
FWS(Him): Forties
Married over twenty years
DDay: 1/20/10
R'ing

Posts: 1016 | Registered: Jun 2010
0115
Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, September 30th (Sunday)

Rebreather...this goes down (in my opinion) as a Top Ten Post!!! Really well done. I have a feeling that it's going to stick and it will become new vocabulary for SI Kind of like batshit crazy or curtain rods....

Anyway,

Eventually transportation will be provided.

Can I ask WHY is the transportation provided so scary to get on like the hang glider with AAA batteries or the jet ski with no lifejacket that only goes 100mph??????

I'm trying to get to Letting it All Go or The Ultimate Forgiveness All Inclusive's down the road but can't you please provide a limo or something????????????


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 1002 | Registered: Apr 2011
hopefully
Member
Member # 29906
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, September 30th (Sunday)

RB - so very true. I believe my transportation out is coming on Tuesday in the form of a flight to Vegas for our 15th anniversary which is right before the beginning of year 3. We are in a really good place finally.


Me:42
fWW:38
Kids 3 - 5, 11, 14
DDay : 10/16/2010

Posts: 70 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: New Jersey
DancinOnThinIce
New Member
Member # 29873
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, October 1st (Monday)

I don't know if I'm in year one or two at this point. Dday s 9/2010, we didn't move into R until 2/2011. Turns out it was false R. True R started in 7/2011.

I have no idea where I am anymore.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW
Kids: 3 DD
D Day: 9/23/10
Status: R

I've never been good at sharing. ~ me


Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: dancinonthinice
Exhausted in OH
Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Bump


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 424 | Registered: Dec 2011
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, January 10th (Friday)

First off, Rebreather, you are a joy! Love this post!

What RidingHealingRd wrote got me bc although I think my H is hesitant to really (REALLY) examine FOO issues, the points below are all ones I can relate too.

We are just starting Y2. I can go from Anger/Plains and Acceptance on any given day.

I think there are clear reasons why year 2 was "not so bad" :

- A deeply remorseful WH

- A WH who never lingered in any "fog"

- A WH who was accountable for his actions.

- Moved 1600+ miles away (this was HUGE in easing the turmoil): never run the risk of seeing MOW, my WH never sees MOW co-worker, I left so many triggers behind.

-When I experienced bad days during this past year I had a WH who continued to show patience and understanding, who never once said (or made me feel) like I should get over it already.

Here's to all us newbie twos. Keep talking to us WiseOnes!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
needrespect
Member
Member # 37951
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Year 2
I feel as if I have schizophrenia.
I love, I hate
I hate, I'm Indifferent
I'm indifferent, I'm scared
I'm scared, I'm hopeless
wash, rinse, and repeat.
Most of all I am just lost.
FML


BS-me 45
WH-40
married 11 yrs, together 15
DS13 DS9
Dday May 2012 EA
False R... Dday#2 11/30/2012 PA same MOW

The opposite of love is not hate ... It is indifference.
Status:%$$&^&^$#@@
seems I'm on the 15 year plan


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2012
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Year two, here we go.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1958 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, January 10th (Friday)

I love these posts that remind me I'm not the only one feeling the way I feel and that there is hope for a brighter future.

Year 2 is tough but as long as it's going to be worry getting through the hard stuff then that's all I need.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 222 | Registered: Oct 2012
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Oh geez, I totally forgot about this! The WTF hotel, not to be confused with the Hotel California. Because you can check out any time you want, but you CAN leave.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
reallysad2012
Member
Member # 37658
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Wow...this popped up just when I needed it. There have been a few year two posts lately I have found helpful. I always find the support I need here.

Year 2...I thought I was going to be 'done' with this already because my fWH is so remorseful and doing so much to help me. Still....I visited WTF hotel all through Sept/Oct/Nov. December was the Plain and back to WTF hotel a few times. Now...I am submitting to that fact that this sucks and I can't change it. I actually feel like I am not banging my head on a brick wall anymore. Maybe this is the beginning of the elusive acceptance.


me BS
him WH
his A was in 2001, DDay confession 9/5/2012

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012
RegretfulHusband
Member
Member # 41873
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, January 10th (Friday)

I feel you, need respect.


Me: FWH, 34
Her: BS, 33
Married: 6 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys under 5

DDay1: 7+ years ago
DDay2: 1.5 years ago

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."


Posts: 129 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Year 2...I thought I was going to be 'done' with this already because my fWH is so remorseful and doing so much to help me. Still....I visited WTF hotel all through Sept/Oct/Nov. December was the Plain and back to WTF hotel a few times.

Reallysad, interests me to read this. My fWH is the same way. I was in the Plains in Dec. for sure and I expect to go back there someday. I guess I was in the Anger Lounge just last week. I think I am sitting on a train right now and its parking for a while...I am looking around. So far the view isn't bad.

All aboard!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Ahhhh the Hotel -- you found it!!! I loved the Hotel thread when I read it the first time.

I still remember being stuck between The Gym and The Lounge. Venturing into the Plain and heading back into the Gym. I was sooooo angry. I was afraid I was going to get stuck in the Gym forever and saw nothing out past The Plain, so why bother.

I made it out of there and out of the Plain and into Progress. You were right. That's why it's so easy to just say 'Yeah, what Rebreather said'.

Year 2 did suck but it did get better.


Growing forward

Posts: 1764 | Registered: Sep 2011
RegretfulHusband
Member
Member # 41873
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Yup, not digging year 2.


Me: FWH, 34
Her: BS, 33
Married: 6 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys under 5

DDay1: 7+ years ago
DDay2: 1.5 years ago

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."


Posts: 129 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
33years
Member
Member # 41053
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Ok, I'm still in my first year and it's a bit unnerving to see what year two holds (if we make it that long)
However, the analogy was clever!


Me (BS) 58
Him (WH) 57
DD July 10, 2013
My Motto: "I'm fairly certain that nothing anymore is certain"

Posts: 72 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Middle of USA
Kiwigirl
Member
Member # 36185
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Rebreather, your thread really nailed it! I think I'm on the plain of lethal flatness right now, hoping that a bus out will come by...


BS - 36 (me)
WH - 34

D-Day 19 April 2012
Trying R


Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2012
sad34
Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, January 10th (Friday)

What I hate is people who think you should b over it by now. Like say my mother in law. Or my family who has said make a choice, divorce or just stop talking about it:(
They don't understand, year 2 is when it really hits like u said:(


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 2nd (Friday)

Love this post.

Bumping it up for anyone who is entering or in the middle of year 2 right now.

[This message edited by DixieD at 10:45 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]


Growing forward

Posts: 1764 | Registered: Sep 2011
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

Last posted in Jan., so 4 months later, year two more resembles what needsrespect wrote...

I feel as if I have schizophrenia.
I love, I hate
I hate, I'm Indifferent
I'm indifferent, I'm scared
I'm scared, I'm hopeless
wash, rinse, and repeat.
Most of all I am just lost
.

I actually looked at the Alzheimer's web site the other night to see if I fit "early onset". My memory has been very poor.

I will add that I don't feel lost all the time. Some days I feel very hopeful. However, sadness now seems more to do with our FOO issues then with A thoughts. I don't spend a lot of time feeling sad about the A and I don't obsess anymore.

Thank goodness this train has comfy seats and interesting people to reach out and hold my hand once in a while.

Well done, Rebreaher. You are one clever woman.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

make a choice, divorce or just stop talking about it:(

so good to read this. losing a friend, or at least our closeness, because of this.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4529 | Registered: Dec 2010
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

Interesting that this was bumped recently. I have read several posts the last few weeks which said the same thing, but differently and some not so eloquently. The message was the same however.

This whole original post by Rebreather was so spot on, but this...

Beyond the Plain lies something called Progress and Healing and Real Acceptance. Be patient. It appears you must spend your time in the Hotel and the Plain before you can journey further. Eventually transportation will be provided. Don't ignore too many options for transport as you do not want to be stuck in either place for too long.


is so eerily true, it is scary. I was not ready to hear it when it was first posted. Thanks for bumping. :)


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jun 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

I'm feeling the first tendrils of acceptance here :)
start of year three..

[This message edited by rachelc at 12:39 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4529 | Registered: Dec 2010
Teach8
Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

Still one of my all time favorite posts. Thank you, Rebreather. Just entered year three and glad to say goodbye to year 2, and I'm hoping and working for that healing and progress.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 492 | Registered: Aug 2012
learningtofeel
Member
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

I just logged on to post something about Year Two and found this incredible post bumped up.

Here is my analogy, at two weeks in to Year Two. It's like when you watch a really intense scary movie and you can hardly take it in the first time, and then you go back and watch it again. You know the plot so you're not spending as much time trying to figure out what the hell is going on, but the intensity is still there, AND you notice other things that you missed when you were just trying to keep up with the plot the first time around.

I feel myself "doubling" in some way, reliving every day of last year but without the shock and trauma. It's such a constant undercurrent these past couple of weeks and I can't stop thinking about them together. I feel I have regressed. I'm trying to remind myself that we are really doing well! We are talking, sharing ourselves with each other, doing Retrouvaille post weekends, continuing with our outstanding MC, he is still in IC and still working hard. All that is really good! And I'm hoping it will carry me through this second round.

Sending comfort to everyone in Year Two.


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Lostinthismess
Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

I logged on earlier today, desperate for some relief. And this is the thread I read.

Year 2
I feel as if I have schizophrenia.
I love, I hate
I hate, I'm Indifferent
I'm indifferent, I'm scared
I'm scared, I'm hopeless
wash, rinse, and repeat.
Most of all I am just lost.
FML

Pretty sum sums it up. I know I can feel happy. But when I don't, I forget what it feels like. Scares the shit out of me.


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

21 months here......guess that means year two is coming to a close soon.

I soooooo enjoyed your style on this rebreather!

Thank you.

Past 4-5 months have me healing deeper and faster. I lost track of how exactly year 2 has been vs year one.....but feel year two has produced better harvests at the end then any fruit of year one did.

Keep going rebreather and mr rebreather.....a slug if us are following your lead!

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)

21 months out and finally I can see some light at the end of the tunnel... I think it's that transport that Rebreather mentioned I intend to get on it!

Year 2 has been brutal! If I had known it was going to take this long for me to feel happiness again, to look at my husband and feel the warm fuzzies, to feel tenderness towards him well up inside me, to feel secure in his love, to feel sure of my decision to stay in this marriage... well I might have turned around and run, screaming! Glad I didn't though!

I have grown SO much in the last year. Affair-related issues aside, I have gone through a personal transformation that I am eternally grateful for... and it hasn't ended yet! I still have some work to do. But I am so grateful that I have been through a Year 2 - a year when I had to choose between getting bitter and getting better, a year when I was forced to confront my "ugly", a year when the rose-coloured spectacles were forcibly removed from my eyes and there is was: me, my life, my marriage, my FOO - in all their ugliness and I had little option but to fix the broken. What a journey it has been, and I still have places to go! I'm not done yet!

I don't think I could have got through it without my fellow travellers. Some brilliant people have travelled Year 2 with me and I am forever grateful for their wisdom and strength.

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 6:57 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)]


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 911 | Registered: Oct 2012
LiedtoLucy
Member
Member # 39246
DOH!  Posted: 1:38 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

We are in the 2nd week of year 2 and I find myself in and out of the Unnumbing Spa and the Anger Gym daily.

My H and I are connecting...re-establishing our bond. But sometimes feeling closer to him makes me take steps back. Still have a hard time making myself vulnerable to him...Still paranoid about finding the A underground, even though there is no evidence of this and I check everything. I know where he is at all times..

I think he is getting to the point of understanding that his AP could have been anyone and that he was pretty messed up and selfish. Sometimes I don't think he understands how much he failed our family and decimated me. But I also wonder how much of that is for me to heal because he will never be able to wrap his head around the trauma that he has caused. Just like I will never be able to wrap mine around how his wayward mindset made him feel justified and ok with what he was doing.

With an LTA it is just so freaking hard to know that YEARS of your marriage was a sham. H says he doesn't see it that way. He wanted me to be happy. But on the rare occasion that I look back on those 4 years I don't see how he could possibly been trying to make me happy. He was NEVER around. Gosh I hope this doesn't mean I am on the five year plan.


LTL

Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are


Posts: 168 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

Bumping up again for anyone struggling with the Year 2 blues.


Growing forward

Posts: 1764 | Registered: Sep 2011
MakingMyFuture
Member
Member # 43530
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

DixieD thanks so much for the bump...never would have found this! I'm right in the middle of year two and really needed this laugh!


When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

BW: 42 (me)
WH: 40 (him)
Together 15 years, Married 11
2 kids (10 & 8)
D-Day1: 1/12/13
False R 1/12/13-7/14/14
D-Day2: 7/14/14


Posts: 82 | Registered: May 2014
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

Yep still checked into that WTF hotel....but I'm calling for room service and a bottle of something on ice....
this isn't some cheap ass hotel....but it is not the Ritz either!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 375 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
BrokenheartedUK
Member
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

Really? REALLY? Year two is worse then THIS??


Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA

Whatever doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you.


Posts: 136 | Registered: May 2014
mbbd
Member
Member # 41828
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

Ditto to the BRILLIANT! And as a closet stand up comedian, I also ditto that you should go on the road with that! It's not that it's funny, because the shitty situation we are in is far from funny, but you should be teaching a class for mental health providers for sure!

And DITTO again to the request for a year 3!

I am a month away from the 2 year antiversary and am already dreading it. I see clearly the progress we have made but I am feeling that this isn't leaving my thought patterns fast enough.

Your post made me happy. Thank you.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2013
mbbd
Member
Member # 41828
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

I am printing this and putting it in my wallet to refer to when I need support. Sooooo well done!
Ditto to the request to post re year 3!

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 69