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User Topic: Affair Confessions - Everything to learn in 1 Post
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)

Iíve now been on SI for over 3 months and have learned a lot about infidelity whether I liked it or not. Iíve compiled all the information that I learned about confessing Ė before and after. I wish to share in a large post that could hopefully help new members. This post is not about the steps to take after a confession, it is truly about understanding the importance of the confession. I'm a product of SI from before confession/after so this comes from a lot of wise members...

The day I joined, I was fresh out of multiple PAs and EAs. I was scared, confused, upset, disgusted, worried, angryÖ A world of emotions that are commonly felt by a WS that are in a fog and not sure whatís reality or not. The reality is that you have cheated on your spouse and what you feel would be unforgivable. This is a bloody nightmare and one that you cannot wake up from. The thought of confessing to my BH made me shake, cry hysterically, feel physically ill and hide from the world. It was the un-thinkable to confess. The thought of keeping it a secret made me feel happy and safe yet paranoid, scared, still upset and worried.

I felt safe because I knew my BH would never find out about my affairs on his own. I felt happy because he still saw the same wife that he had always had, the faithful one. I felt paranoid because it also felt like you were wearing a sign that said you cheated. I was upset and worried that I had cheated multiple times which meant I could cheat again because the pattern was already developed. I googled Ďserial cheaterí and found some ugly topics. I knew that I was heading down a path of endless destruction. I realized to myself that I serial cheated and the likelihood to cheat again was prominent.

Throughout my short time on SI, it is primarily spent in the wayward section for obvious reasons. I often see other WS pop up, make a couple posts and leave. The stories are usually the same.. They cheated, the affair is over, they hate themselves but cannot bear the consequences to confess. For that very reason is my motivation to write about confessions.

This is a controversial topic and MANY people have their own opinion on the hows, whys and shoulds of a confession. Unfortunately, I received private messages from some BSs that told me NOT to confess. That was not good advice for ME. They should keep that to themselves and not project their own issue onto someone else. If you are a WS that has not confessed, consider both sides of the coin. Weigh pros and cons, donít base your decision on what someone tells you. Make your decision and OWN it 100%. I almost let myself off the hook by the multiple PMs telling me not to confess.

I also received a load of great advice on why I needed to confess. The advice was taken to heart and I wish to share with others to pay it forward.

An Urban Legend of Confessing your Affairs
ďIt relieves guilt and is selfish to confessĒ

No it does NOT relieve guilt. It is not selfish to confess, itís actually the opposite IMHO. It is called a consequence for having an affair in the first place. The guilt lives with you every day, whether or not you confessed.

Hiding Your Affairs - Trying to Fix Yourself and/or Fixing the Marriage

This does and will not work. Do you even know where to begin on fixing yourself? In order to fix yourself, you need to dig deep into yourself and be 100% honest with yourself and your spouse. Identify the reasons you allowed yourself to cheat. Identify the triggers that allowed you as well. Read some books, attend counseling.. If you are hiding an affair, you are also going to have to attempt to hide the fixes. NOT POSSIBLE. If you demand marriage counseling, your spouse is confused. Itís cruel to put your spouse in the position of marriage counseling when you are being dishonest with everyone including the counselor. You are also going to be unsuccessful with fixing a marriage when the real problem is YOU. Own the fact you had the affair and own your consequence. You would be living a lie every minute of every day that you hide your affairs.

One more important point to remember. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Do you truly trust yourself that you would never cheat again, just because you are trying to fix yourself? My answer was no. I knew that if I hid my affairs, it left me wide open for future affairs. I considered hiding them and taking my BH to marriage counseling. It would have been a joke. I also would have kept on blaming him for my affairs and trying to fix a marriage that he didnít even know it was broken. He had NO idea that we were in this much trouble. How could he know?

Why Would I Want To Confess If I Donít Want a Divorce?

Yes it might mean divorce BUT it might also mean that you could reconcile and have a better marriage than ever before. One that is truly open, honest, loving and most of all authenticÖ Give your betrayed spouse more credit than that!!! You have NO idea how they would really act if you confess your affair(s) to them. Yes they might say they would leave ASAP if they knew you cheated. BUT you never know until they are put in that position. I knew when I confessed it could mean divorce but I prayed that it wouldnít. I finally had come to realize that my affairs had a consequence. I wanted to gain my integrity back. I wanted my husband to know the woman he was married to. Although my affairs do not make the person I am, it was a major betrayal to him and our marriage. I did everything in my power to let my husband know that I didnít want a divorce and that I loved him. To my surprise, I found out that he loved me enough to stay. I pictured being thrown out on my ass. It didnít happen. I didnít give my BH enough credit. That was a big mistake to underestimate my own husband. He hated that I cheated but so very thankful that I came clean.

How Much To Confess?

In a simple answer Ė EVERYTHING. Let your spouse lead you on how much information to give them and when they want to hear it. They will have a million questions. Answer them truthfully and as complete as you can. It is embarrassing to confess to your husband that you gave a guy you barely knew a BJ and to top it off, it was the 4th guy you had cheated with. Yes I had a laundry list to confess. My BH knows every disgusting, dirty detail of my deeds. You know what he was angry about? How I degraded myself. He was mad that I hurt myself too. Imagine that? All Iím saying, give them all the details.

Donít trickle truth (TT). It was the worst thing you can do to your BS. It keeps the wound open for longer and is harder to heal from. Tell them everything. Donít hide a previous affair or some of the acts you performed. Itís embarrassing but it is helpful for your BS to heal which should now be your top priority.

Timeline

If you have trouble remembering all the details of the hows/whens of your affair, start writing out a timeline. It might help trigger further details that can lead to timeframes as well.

My BH did not need a written timeline. I knew my dates and gave them to him verbally. He asked for every single detail about dates/times/placesÖ It is important for your BS to know so they donít have to guess and think you are still lying to them.

Evidence

Well.. this is a tricky topic. For me, I deleted every single trace or link to my affairs way before I confessed. I was a crafty bitch and knew how to cover my trail. Some BSs need to see the evidence or worse, thatís how they catch you first. With technology today, its easy to get caught because of the digital fingerprints that you leave in places you least expect. My BH asked to see my texts/pics.. I told him I deleted everything. He said ok and moved on with other types of questions.

Iím not promoting deleting because in some cases, it can really save you. Maybe workplace sexual harassment cases.. or to show the truth isnít as crazy as the BS imagines it to be. You might have to show your BS all the evidence to give them a peace of mind and help with mind movies. In your case if youíre reading it and thinking about your evidence, you should also consider your AP. Your AP might have the evidence in some creepy type of shrine and will get to your BS.. So in some cases, you will need to show your BS regardless if you want to before it gets to them by other methods.

Confessing VS Getting Caught

I believe this is truly detrimental to the reconciliation of your marriage. Again, my BH has thanked me for confessing. It has helped save a lot of devastation that can be caused by an affair. He never had to worry about me cheating or trying find evidence on me. I came to him and confessed everything. We are on a path to a great R and there is a lot of grief that I saved my BH by coming forward first.

But It Was OnlyÖA KissÖ

It was cheating. Admit it. I was the first one to sayÖ But I didnít have sex! The truth was that I was very sexually active with multiple men and seriously betrayed my husband. No, I didnít have full intercourse but itís still classified as an affair and is still cheating. Donít minimize your actions by saying, But it was only. When you are confessing, donít downplay what you did. Accept responsibility and own what you did, accept that you cheated.

Advice From BS SIers that were given to me:Ö. Will keep anonymous unless some would like me to post the authors:

Regarding Intimacy Lost During an Affair:

ďOne thing to note on the confessing vs. never telling or hoping it's never found out debate..
I didn't realize the intimacy that was being robbed from our marriage by the things we did not know. Only with the truth on the table was there any clarity about who we were and what we could be together. Yes, the possibility of it ending the marriage was always there with a d-day. But we didn't, and I can honestly say at this point we wouldn't be where we are without having torn down the whole marriage to it's foundations and building it back up. We knew something was wrong, but had no idea at the scope of itĒ

Why you Cannot Blameshift & Minimize on D-day

ďThe lies, blameshifting, and minimization on D-day and afterward did more damage than the A. The A is traumatic. It's made much, much worse when the WS is more focused on protecting himself or herself than trying to comfort and help the BS. While you should be factual about what happened- both physically and emotionally- in your As, don't ever minimize your behavior by saying "But we didn't have sex so it could have been worse" or "it was only...".

An Analogy That Has Been Shared on SI about Hiding Your Affairs

"I feel like this is a lie, albeit one that you're telling with good intentions, and that is unacceptable to me. Those kinds of lies/omissions are like not telling me that there's a smudge of dog poop in my chocolate ice cream....your intention might be that you don't want to ruin my enjoyment of the ice cream, and you know it's a really small smudge of dog poop which I'll never see or taste if you don't tell me about it.....but in reality it all comes down to the fact you are letting me eat poop and that's just not what you do to someone you love. Our relationship is the ice cream. Those women and what you did with them are the dog poop. Just because I'm looking forward to enjoying our relationship (the ice cream), and you're sorry you let dog poop get into my ice cream, and you don't want to ruin my enjoyment of the ice cream, doesn't mean that it's okay to keep secrets about the dog poop."

Now What?

If you have read this far and you are thinking about confessing but afraid. Make a phone call to a counselor. It is definitely ok to seek professional advice before you confess. It really helps speak out loud, gain support, insight, strength.. It is all positive and important you start making necessary steps to heal yourself and the marriage.

If you are a lurker on SI or only have made 1-2 posts.. Start posting. Share your story and reach out. I would not be in this place of reconciliation with my husband or healing within myself if I had not asked for help. When you start posting, sharing information about yourself, you are likely to make a friend. A friend that will help you through and stick by you. The support in real life is probably lacking so this was very important for me. I give my SI friend all the credit in the world with helping me pre/post confession and likely we are now life long buds :)

I do understand that many could debate my points and add to them. I even think I might have missed some points because wow, there is a lot to know about confessing...

[This message edited by messedupchick at 3:35 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 789 | Registered: Jul 2012
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)



Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3228 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)

one of the best posts I've read on this forum. Thank you.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4698 | Registered: Dec 2010
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)

Woohoo!! Gotta love the famous Hufi-pufi clapping guy

Thanks rachelc.. Just wanted to speak from my heart and express some knowledge that I have gained on SI. The advice that many provided to me was not in vain and deserves to be shared. I hope this helps those newbies and lurkers that are afraid to confess.


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 789 | Registered: Jul 2012
kourt090
Member
Member # 34926
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)

Awesome, awesome post.

You have NO idea how they would really act if you confess your affair(s) to them. Yes they might say they would leave ASAP if they knew you cheated. BUT you never know until they are put in that position.

I just wanted to say that this really stood out to me and you definitely hit the nail square on the head with this statement.

I always told FWH (on multiple occasions) that if I ever discovered that he had been unfaithful, I would leave him so fast his "head would spin". Needless to say, DDay completely blindsided me and I can remember telling a friend of mine, the morning I found out the full extend of the A, that if I discovered there was more to it than an EA, I would immediately file for D. It turns out, my FWH also had a PA with the MOW and guess what . . . I'm still here, I'm still married and I am still in love with my FWH - 8 months later. I've often asked myself why I decided to stay but I have never once asked if I made the right decision. For me, staying was the right choice. It helped that FWH was the ideal remorseful spouse who sought help for both me and him in every avenue he could find (books, counseling, marriage workshops, etc.). I hate to say that anything good came from discovering FWH's A but in the aftermath of DDay, FWH and I have had to find strength in ourselves and in our marriage, in order to heal, that I'm not sure we could have ever found had it not been for first hitting rock bottom in our marriage. We have an openness and honesty in our relationship that was not there before. We have also found a much deeper sense appreciation for one another.

messedupchick: You are absolutely right. You never know how you will react to something until you are put in that position. R has been a hard and long process but if given the chance to do this all over again, I am without a doubt that I would still choose to stay. Sometimes love really is bigger than the pain.

[This message edited by kourt090 at 6:09 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]


Kourt090

Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Utah
circlinggirl
Member
Member # 37035
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)

Thanks for this post. Your efforts are obvious and sincere, which (as Hufi-pufi illustrated) are to be applauded.


Me- BS (27)
Him- WS (32) MajorTom
Dday July 23, 2012
PA during January 2012
In R.

"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings." -- Lao Tzu


Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Oregon
NothngElseMattrs
Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)

What Hufi-Pufi said.

Way to go, MUC. That was a really all encompassing great post and I'm sure it will really speak to the newbies (and maybe some oldies too!)

Edit: spelling.

Also, I'd like to agree/ highlight the significance of telling the BS because it is their decision to make, and despite what they have said in the past, maybe infidelity isnt a deal breaker. Who knows.

I had absolutely no clue what I was in for as I opened my mouth to confess on DDay. I was quite sure my H would leave me, as he had the right to. After all, I had told him on our second date that I'd cut his man parts off if i ever found out he cheated.

And, in the ultimate irony that is life, it turned out that he had cheated too. Obviously this is somewhat unique and I'm not saying that when a WS confesses they are gonna find out that maybe their BS cheated too. I think I might be the only one with that particlar story that I've seen on here, but it doesn't matter. What I'm saying is you have no idea how things will turn out, but it is time to let go of the outcome and start doing the right thing. I'm glad I did.

[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 6:25 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)

Ditto what HUFI-PUFI said.

Looks like you can talk the talk and walk the walk. I'm glad you made the decision that you did. So proud of you, muc, and wishing you and your H all the best in your future together.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)

Great job MUC.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6127 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
jimbo25319
Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)

Bravo.
Fantastic post.

Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)

So very true. The truth never does as much damage as lies.

Betrayals, lies, secrets will white ant a relationship without anyone even realising.

The betrayals themselves hurt like hell but the lies, TT, minimising, blame shifting, gas lighting are usually what kills an M.

Without the truth intimacy is eroded, it detaches us from each other bit by bit.

Living in fear of something is often worse than the advent of what it is you fear.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
bleemoveson23
Member
Member # 36523
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, October 17th (Wednesday)

::thumbs up:: awesome post!


mothertobabyE-28

"don't judge me by my past. I don't live there anymore"


Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Long Island, New York
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 17th (Wednesday)

When I grow up I want to be just like you!

I just confessed to my BH last week. (check my profile for details) There is a sense of relief that you can regain your honesty, integrity and your true self back.. It doesn't relieve your guilt (I think it's going to be important to hang onto that one for yourself) I couldn't believe how amazing my BH was when I confessed and provided the full disclosure a few days later. I gave him 100% of the remaining details when he was requesting them/asking more questions a few days later.


You posted this back in August and it and other posts from brave SIers gave me the kick in the butt I needed. You rock!


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1406 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, October 17th (Wednesday)

I'm very happy to hear that many people have read the post and feel it covered many aspects.

Let's just say, I've become an advocate for confessing. I have never regretted my decision confess to my BH although it took me a while to build up enough inner strength to do it. One of the hardest things I ever had to do in my entire life.

I definitely agree with Strongbutbroken.

The betrayals themselves hurt like hell but the lies, TT, minimising, blame shifting, gas lighting are usually what kills an M

edit:

Eeek! I've been quoted! Yes KnightsBFF I did say that in August. I still feel like that.

And no, you don't want to grow up like me lol. I'm one 'messedupchick'

[This message edited by messedupchick at 11:58 AM, October 17th (Wednesday)]


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 789 | Registered: Jul 2012
DWBH
Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

Awesome post... you have come a loooong way since joining!


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

you have come a loooong way since joining!

Noooooooo doubt!!! I thank all the kind members on SI that have tamed me down and 2x4ed the hell out of me. I put myself on SIfesupport and detoxed my way out of the fog.. Man I was a freaking mess of a person when I joined.


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 789 | Registered: Jul 2012
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

MUC, I remember your early posts. You have come a very long way and what I find encouraging is that you seem to be always taking baby steps forward in your healing and supporting your BH.

Maybe you need to request a screen name change. "gotmyshittogetherchick" has a nice ring to it.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

cdnmommy:

I remember your early posts

And I remember your early 2x4s

Maybe you need to request a screen name change. "gotmyshittogetherchick" has a nice ring to it.

If I had the ability to change my screen name, I would in a heart beat.. I don't think you're allowed to though. So then all I can say is that it represents my early days on SI.

[This message edited by messedupchick at 12:22 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)]


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 789 | Registered: Jul 2012
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

Excellent post.

Paying it forward also helps you continue to heal too.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

And I remember your early 2x4s

Who me?

I'm a BS in the wayward forum. I can only swing spaghetti noodles!

(Seriously, though, I am glad to see you stuck around and did the hard work. You were worth it!)


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

Amen, I've quoted Oscar Wilde on here..."it's the confession, not the priest, that gives absolution"

I don't use it exactly as he intended it in Dorian Gray. I 100% believe it but there's more to it.

It's important when confessing to allow the wronged party to express justified anger. If you're self flagellating and wallowing in the "I'm such a piece of shit" mire it robs them often of that.

We see that with BS's that post they feel they have to comfort and support their wayward's. Makes me furious. We had the balls to navigate the rough terrain of our choices. We can sack up and face our consequences without needing the injured to carry our water.

The whole quote is a perfect synopsis.

There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves we feel that no one else has a right to blame us. It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

That was really deep UO.. I agree 100%.

Cdnmommy:

I'm a BS in the wayward forum. I can only swing spaghetti noodles!

Don't be coy with me... That spaghetti noodle was raw and you poked me in the eye with it..


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 789 | Registered: Jul 2012
sosorryididthis
Member
Member # 36727
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

Edit

[This message edited by sosorryididthis at 9:48 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 188 | Registered: Sep 2012
brokenandfedup
Member
Member # 33186
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

Absolutely perfect!

Posts: 519 | Registered: Aug 2011
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, November 12th (Monday)

Bumping for CheaterNoah and any other WS that is considering to confess or afraid to


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 789 | Registered: Jul 2012
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, November 12th (Monday)

Great post!


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1198 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
BrightWings
New Member
Member # 37368
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)

quick question...

what about a WW who is also refusing reconciliation? Would confession in this way help? And, would it be appropriate for the BS to ask for one, considering WW is also asking for divorce?


Right now is not forever

Me: BS 41 (full-time single dad of three girls since Aug 2010)
WW: 41 (affairs with married men; affairs with some single men; gas lighting; TT; blame shifting; BPD)
Married 17yrs
Three girls (11, 9, 5)
Separated / Div


Posts: 9 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Vancouver, BC, Canada
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)

Hi Bright wings,

First off, I'm very sorry about your situation and WW. I just read your first post and it horrified me. If your WW is asking for a divorce, sign those papers quickly. She is a remorseless bitch and there is no point in trying to ask for a confession. It would only be packed full of lies anyways. It sounds like you do know enough about her affairs to realize the depth of her cruelty. Please try to move on and continue to get support on this website.

It also had me thinking.. The purpose of my thread was to talk to the WS that are full of regret for their affair(s) and WANT to come clean but truly afraid it will cause them to lose everything.

This thread would fall on deaf ears if a WS is a big coward, feels comfortable to continue a lie, feels entitled to have an affair, angry and full of spite.. If somehow they snap out of that ME ME ME frame of mind, only then you could get a full and true confession.


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 789 | Registered: Jul 2012
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, January 11th (Friday)

Much2regret: I'm bumping my own thread for you.. Hopefully this can help you out.


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 789 | Registered: Jul 2012
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Bumping for lucky llama...


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 789 | Registered: Jul 2012
hurt2005
New Member
Member # 36918
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Bumpity bump... This might help someone.


WGF 27 | BBF 28 | in CC and in hope for R | 7 years
OM#1 EA, PA 2010 | OM#2 EA, PA (3x) 2011 | D-Day#1 2011, false R, D-Day #2 25/09/12
'Piglet was so excited at the idea of being Useful that he forgot to be frightened anymore.'

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: UK
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, October 11th (Friday)

As a BS. I can tell you now that if my WH would have stopped and talked to me about making our marriage better. That he felt we were drifting etc.
I can tell you I would NOT want a confession. This has not made our M better. It has destroyed everything. It has destroyed me and my trust in him as the person I thought I married.

So NO in my case I would have he stopped and focused on us..
That said the SOB kept at it and left crumbs and condoms for me to find. He's a coward and I still don't know the entire truth.
I can tell you that his A is the worst thing I have dealt with and I am a mess.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
toughernow
Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, October 11th (Friday)

She -Ra,

Thank you! This post is proof that it is never too late to reclaim your integrity, your decency and your honour.
You Get It! As a BS I can tell you if my fWH had posted this our painful road to reconciliation would be eased considerably. I can only hope that the thoughts and feelings that you have shared here will be echoed by him someday.
I hope your BS gets to see it.


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, December 2nd (Monday)

bump


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
Bedofroses
New Member
Member # 40755
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Thank you!! Just what I needed

Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

IN ONLY THE MOST EXTREME CIRCUMSTANCE WOULD I EVER RECOMMEND CONFESSING A AFFAIR

There are things in life that regardless of opinion are better off in the shadows. Go peruse any infidelity forum go look at any marriage that has experienced a DDay then tell me again how good it is to confess. With countless threads on "How do I trust", "Triggers 5 years later!", "I'll never trust like I once did" etc etc.

Not only is the past rewritten the whole dynamic is forever cracked and skewed. The WS feels more guilt as the BS is reeling from his/her new reality. Nothing tangibly good comes from it by all subjective measures everything about each of their lives is worse!

The principle sounds great focusing on words like authentic, real, honest, true, legitimate. The FACTS are confession brings pain, anger, shatters trust, destroys foundations, and does little to quell the guilt of the cheater. It can end a marriage immediately and cause literally years of questions for what? You mean the BS doesn't see how great it is you confessed that now you can have a real, authentic, honest, marriage? They didn't pat you on the back and say how good you did Mr/Mrs WS? No they 100% didn't, because the BS already was living a authentic, honest, and real marriage. In their mind their perceptions it was already great! We live in a world of perceptions and his/her reality was just that. Your confession just ended it forever!!

The fact is most marriages would be far better if the AFFAIR was never known about. Ignorance truly is bliss for all parties involved that would normally be affected by the affair confession.

For all of the BS's out there just imagine your life if you never knew about the affair. If you answer honestly most will say YES MY LIFE WOULD BE FAR BETTER it's really a no brainer.

Just imagine you have two columns Happy and Sad and put a check under each one as you are told each statment by your spouse:

Honey, I've been sleeping with Janet from IT for the last 3 years, I'm sorry.

Honey, I've had sex with prostitutes for a decade, I'm sorry.

Honey, I slept with the new intern Steve I don't know how it happened, I'm sorry.

Honey, remember when I've been going running every morning for the last 6 months? I've been sleeping with Steve around the corner, I'm sorry!

Of course those are simple and the reality is 100x worse, but we all answered SAD. No one would say there day is better after hearing that. That their marriage is destined to flourish after knowing that.

Those are the facts. People just hate the thought of being played, fooled, and taken advantage of so we say things like "Hell Yeah, I would want to know!!" , "Damnit they better tell me!" when in reality the bliss they lived in before was a happier place how could it not be?


When I was very active in a legalistic church we believed in owning up to transgression 100% to be saved. The young man going through his bible studies confessed he had MURDERED someone years ago. He was a ex gang member we all told him to be SAVED he has to own up to that and turn himself in. He can't continue to live that lie. We lived and breathed principle based salvation and lifestyles (no I don't believe this anymore).

After 3 months of bible study, prayer, and tears he told his family and turned himself in. Just like the cheater who nobly confesses he too confessed.

He was sentenced to 20 years!

Ask yourself do you think his life and his family's was better? What about his daughter's?

Of course the other family had vindication, but that isn't applicable to confessing a affair, so I left it out. I'm not going to say murder is okay or he did the wrong thing at all or by any means!! The point was was the life better after teh traumatic event? No it was not!!

I too don't like the thought of being played, lied to, used, pick your favorite adjective. I also have come to realize after living through tons of pain/tragedy that life would be so much better if I did not experience those things.


Affairs are part of that list!! Reality vs Principle........in reality it's better not to know.

[This message edited by suspended at 3:50 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 4:26 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

The fact is most marriages would be far better if the AFFAIR was never known about.

I don't think happy/sad is a good way to determine if life is better/worse after a person finds out about an affair. The thing that actually causes life to be worse has already happened: the cheating makes life worse, not the confession. Life is already worse. Shouldn't she know what you've done to her?

Can you make that decision on your wife's behalf that she doesn't need to know? You might be thinking of it as "carrying it with you" and "living with it by yourself", but marriage is supposed to be a partnership. You cannot make decisions that huge for her about her life without her input (or rather you can, but it's one more level of abuse to do so). And since she doesn't know the whole picture, she cannot make informed choices that are healthiest for HER. She does not have the best life that she could anymore.

You blame the confession for the pain. What about the cheating itself?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus. Be mindful, compassionate, and responsibleÖ Something valuable I learned on SI. :)

Posts: 3900 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Where are all these BS's who want their spouse to lie and deceive 'til death do them part?

BS's really want to be so completely ignorant, duped and disrespected?

If a BS doesn't want to know, I assume they entered marriage with the idea that "affairs happen" and "don't ask, don't tell".

Otherwise, it's betrayal. When you betray someone and hide it, that's going to kill the potential for intimacy in your relationship.

You're trying to contain a toxic secret, but of course it's slowly leaching into the groundwater. You swear you're protecting your BS, but you know you're both drinking poison.

Every time your spouse gives their body to you or opens their heart to you, you are forcing them to live a lie.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)


..suspended's view that 'ignorance is bliss' ?

..it still amounts to ignorance. ignore it, avoid the truth, force the BS to keep their head in the sand, not by their choice but by yours.

..confessing forces the confessor to deal with the 'TRUTH'.. not hide behind lies.

..no doubt, there are some BS's who might say, "I'd rather have never found out." but they are simply perpetuating the betrayal, enabling spouse to continue the betrayal.

..if a father was sexually molesting his daughter, would her mother be better off not knowing the truth?

..only by confessing, would the father be forced to deal with the betrayal and forced by law and truth, to stop!

..hiding the truth, denying the truth, does not destroy the truth. Truth is our only reality. If you don't have truth, you have nothing.

..even if having it might spoil your day!!!!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4117 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Oh my goodness Suspended.. You are a piece of work. I have read your post and some of the comments. A few things I can see is that you think you are pretty special. Super dad and husband of the year.. In theory only. In reality, you are the total opposite.

The theme to your posts is that people should be allowed to live without consequences unless they are caught. Even if they kill someone. Since he wasn''t caught by the police you are implying that he has wronged his family by confessing. Oh his poor family he went to jail. He wronged his family by committing murder in the first place. Actions have consequences. Period. End of story.

I was watching the Bonnie and Clyde 2 part movie the last few nights. The only way they were able to stop killing and robbing was when Clyde was jailed a few times but unfortunately it wasn''t over until they were shot down. They lived the life so long, they only knew crime. There was no other way of life even though they considered stopping on their own.

Reminds me of you. You have lived the life of fantasy and infidelity so long, I know you can''t stop on your own. I''m willing to bet that even if you tried to end your affair lifestyle, you will only become a dry adulterer. Not fixed or better person. Just simply stopping the cheating is never enough. A confession for you could turn your life around but I know that you are too much of a coward to do it. Your precious world of being a super dad and husband would come crashing down. A confession isn''t the hurt you have caused, it''s the years of infidelity and multiple women. You may stop for a year or 3.. But the broken side of you will be there lurking in darkness. Waiting to come out. Perfect moments to cheat will arise again and you will be back in it. Maybe this time you get sloppy. Who knows... I do know that you don''t care to fix yourself or marriage because you are........ I won''t name call since I don''t want to lose my membership here. Get yourself in counselling and stop serving your poor wife chocolate ice cream with shit camouflaged in it


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 789 | Registered: Jul 2012
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Wow, she-ra. You are awesome!!

My STXH's inability to tell the truth after a year is what destroyed our M. Not the cheating. The year long TT I got is what really destroyed us.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

@She-ra, I had a long response typed, but it's a mute point you personalize way to much to look at things objectively. You automatically judged based off your view of wrong and right not my question and following statements that almost prove confession is not the best choice if the goal is continued happiness for all parties.

I did not say that murder is okay which again shows you see you the words you like to see and fixate on themes that are not there.

I said look at the result "Was his family's life better after confession?" NO IT WAS NOT!!

Not that murder is okay, or was it the right thing, lawful, that justice doesn't need to be served, and all of the other things you brought up.

The question as my post previously stated MARRIAGES ARE NOT BETTER AFTER CONFESSION that is a fact. If they are please link threads from SI that show how a marriage is so much better after confession for those involved. If it is, I should be able to go to the Just Found Out section and find many examples, correct?

I'm sure there are some outwardly miserable marriages where a confession can be a wake up call. That allows the work to begin that forges a new foundation for growth, maturity, and ultimately happiness. Conversely if the marriage is running like a well oiled machine and you throw a wrench in it.......well now we have a problem! In many instances that is exactly what you have because the perception of the BS and family is exactly that a well oiled machine!!

You can hate I'm successful, hate my life, the lies, the illusion, the wealth, you name it, the philanthropy, but the facts are the people that are in my circle have a much better life NOT KNOWING MY FAULTS AND MISTAKES then knowing them!!

If I would have posted my accomplishments in life without the affair piece you would think I was a great person and asset to the community I live, but once my infidelity was part of my story you instantly hated and discredited everything I have accomplished!

Without knowing you answered my question yet again!! It would be great if at the end there was a AWARD for who was the most GUT WRENCHINGLY HONEST in their life. Unfortunately there is not........we live in our own perceived reality where ignorance is often bliss even if that irks you and others beyond belief.

Prove me wrong with all the happy threads and I'll gladly recant my statements

Have a great day!

[This message edited by suspended at 12:29 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
Exhausted in OH
Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Suspended - let me tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a girl. A smart girl. A pretty girl. A well-accomplished girl - with 2 Ivy League degrees and a good career as a doctor. She married her handsome husband and had 3 beautiful children and a beautiful home. They were happy. They were the couple that everyone wanted to be. Sure, there were problems -there always are. He worked too hard. She was frequently too tired for sex, what with the career and 3 small children. But blah, blah. Generally, pretty darn happy. About 12 years into this happy life, something changed. She couldn't put her finger on it, but there was a definite seismic shift. Imperceptible to anyone but her. She felt like she was losing her mind. She became suspicious, watching his behavior for anything amiss. She couldn't find anything, but she KNEW that there was something to know. It grew like a cancer in her. She worried. She tried to be sexier, funnier, whatever. He would have still said that they were happy. But she knew better. She knew there was SOMETHING. She became jealous about any female friends he had. She cringed every time he picked up his phone. She hated when he traveled for business. There was SOMETHING. This went on for several years. And then she finally found the SOMETHING - yes, he was having an affair. A "friends with benefits" situation - no love, no intent to leave her, no desire to be without her. Had bee going on several months. He felt that he "deserved" to have some fun - he worked so hard, and his self-esteem had taken a recent hit due to problems at work. When confronted, he admitted it all. Including a prior ONS 3 years before. BINGO! That was right around the time that she KNEW something was wrong. The predominant feeling she had on that horrible day that she found out she was right? RELIEF!! She wasn't crazy. She was irrational. She wasn't just an insecure mess. She was RIGHT! And what a relief it was! Yes, it was difficult. But the marriage they have 2+ years later is MUCH better.
So, I respectfully disagree with you - there is definite harm done to others by not knowing the truth of their life. YOU may not see it, because it is some much more convenient to believe that it's "no harm, no foul" - my husband certainly did. But looking back, he would tell you the same as me. Relief that the truth was out, and we could move forward with honesty.

[This message edited by Exhausted in OH at 12:51 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 427 | Registered: Dec 2011
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

↑↑↑↑
GREAT STORY!!

Definitely a anomaly :) my only retort is that doesn't seem like a happy marriage to me.

Take away all her doubt, worry, and paranoia and the maybe so!!


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
Exhausted in OH
Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Nope, you know nothing about my marriage. Just like I know nothing about yours. The problem wasn't in my marriage. And if you read the story, you would get that the doubt, worry and paranoia had a root cause. More than his ONS, the festering lie is what caused our marriage to be in distress. And while he went 3 years without cheating again, he was a "dry adulterer", as people here like to call it. He thought he was immune to consequences. So when the right set of circumstances presented themselves again - BAM! But I'm almost glad he had that second affair - because it brought it ALL out into the open. He didn't have to tell me about the first one- I had no evidence. But once I knew about the second, he knew that it was best for it all to be in the open. Look, you do what you think is right. You clearly know more than anyone else. But don't for a second think that you are doing your wife a favor. I don't think there is anyone here will tell you that is the case.


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 427 | Registered: Dec 2011
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

If they are please link threads from SI that show how a marriage is so much better after confession for those involved. If it is, I should be able to go to the Just Found Out section and find many examples, correct?
I''ve heard this question debated before. As a BH I can speak to this more directly. I''m glad to know the truth, but I would have preferred my ww confess than having to discover it. I''ve been a member of SI for about 1.5 years now and consistently the BS posts I have read do not express regret at learning the truth. They do talk about wishing they had learned the truth sooner.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3710 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

For all of the BS's out there just imagine your life if you never knew about the affair. If you answer honestly most will say YES MY LIFE WOULD BE FAR BETTER it's really a no brainer.

There are so many ways I want to come at this.

First, there is a sticky thread in the Reconciliation forum of success stories that you can go and look at.

Second. I try to imagine what it would be like if I'd never found out about the affair and whether I would be better now or not. And I realize that you are missing such a huge part of the equation when you phrase your question like that. Yes, it is possible I would have just kept on going like we'd been going and we'd still be here and I'd be doing okay. There may be ways in which my life would be "better," in that I wouldn't have to think about the affair and the really tough times I had before I started to heal. Here's the part you are missing: in that scenario, there is no way I can imagine my WS having a better life right now. No way, no how.

He would have been deceiving me every day for the last four years. And I can't imagine him doing that without it changing the very core of who he is as a human being. He would have been living in a way that ran counter to his personal beliefs about himself and the world, and that can be nothing but destructive.

Furthermore, our relationship would have no true intimacy. I would no longer know who he is in any true way. He could no longer be honest with me about many of his thoughts and feelings. There would be an ever widening chasm between us.

Finally, he would have missed out on an opportunity for personal growth that has been incredible for him. IC and MC and introspection and reading and journalling - all things that he had no interest in before dday but changed him forever. He has dealt with stuff from his childhood for the first time and forged new relationships with his family.

That is the big picture here, for me. Being honest about the affair wasn't only about me; it was about him and who he wants to be.

[This message edited by lost_in_toronto at 2:31 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1653 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Excellent post, She-Ra. Thanks for taking the time back in 2012 to do this.

@ Suspended

The question as my post previously stated MARRIAGES ARE NOT BETTER AFTER CONFESSION that is a fact. If they are please link threads from SI that show how a marriage is so much better after confession for those involved. If it is, I should be able to go to the Just Found Out section and find many examples, correct?

The people in the JFO forum are devastated. They are still reeling from the shock. Some of them stay there a long time. But many of the people in the R forum were once in JFO and you can take the time and read their positive stories yourself.

Our M is better today not because of the A but in spite of it. It's hard work. I know some people can't hack it but I am not some people.

To echo a point She-Ra made, there is no way our M would have survived the secret between us. It's not only possible for the M to survive the A but thrive afterwards, which ours is doing.

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:52 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I agree with Suspended - marriages are often not better after confession. Is that the point of confession? To make the marriage better? I don't think so.

I am a human being. I entered into a legal contract with another person, and within that contract there were certain mutually agreed upon stipulations. I did not agree to having another person put my life in danger. I did not agree to stds. I did not agree to the humiliation of walking into a room where other people know more about my H and my marriage than I do. I did not agree to an OC. I did not agree to my H spending community property on another woman for the purposes of sexual fulfillment and ego stroking.

As a human being, I have a right to be fully informed about things that affect my life, my safety, the stability and security of my family unit. I have a right to be fully informed about any alterations or violations that are being made to the original legal agreement that we signed. I have a right to make fully informed decisions about my own life. I have the right to say 'no thank you' to being married to a man who is having sex with other people.

In confessing his adultery to me, my H showed respect for me as a human being, and gave me the ability to make a fully informed decision about my own life. He considered that to be more important than maintaining (the facade of) a happy marriage. Is my marriage better since my H confessed? ABSOLUTELY 10000%. Was I/am I devastated? ABSOLUTELY. First time I've ever been on suicide watch.

Would I rather still be in the dark? I have forgiven him for his infidelity. I only want the truth. If he deceives me or lies to me again, I am gone. There is no place for secret dark corners in marriage.

It's not the sex that devastates. It's the lies. The only counter for a lie is the truth.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 798 | Registered: Jul 2013
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

The fact is most marriages would be far better if the AFFAIR was never known about. Ignorance truly is bliss for all parties involved that would normally be affected by the affair confession.

Can't agree with this. This roots the source of the pain in the confession. It is not the confession that causes pain. It is the AFFAIR that causes pain. Most marriages would be far better if the AFFAIR never happened. IMO. Ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance is impotence. Knowledge is power. You would simply prefer that you maintain the power position in your relationship, and that your wife remain powerless, that's all.

[This message edited by plainpain at 4:31 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 798 | Registered: Jul 2013
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Can''''t agree more with what everyone else has posted... All really good points and hope that S takes it to heart. Confession for me wasn''''t about making the marriage better. It was about living an honest life again. Facing my husband and letting him know what I had done and let him decide if he could continue to be married to me. We had to tear our marriage down to the bones and in a lot of ways it is better than ever. Sometimes it''''s not, but we would have issues anyways, infidelity or not.

Suspended: We have a long life to live and I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror again and love who I saw. There is no way you can honestly look at yourself and be proud of what you have become. I apologize if my way of thinking is too black and white for you. As far as I see it, you''''re either honest or you''''re not. That your true character shows when no one is looking and there to keep tabs on you. If everyone in this world acted like an asshole in secret, our world would be even more fucked up than it already is.

My

[This message edited by She-Ra at 4:36 PM, December 10th, 2013 (Tuesday)]


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 789 | Registered: Jul 2012
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

We have a long life to live and I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror again and love who I saw

She-Ra....that's a beautiful thing above, really, really great!! I'm so proud of you


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197047 | Registered: May 2002
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Affairs are part of that list!! Reality vs Principle........in reality it's better not to know.

There is a thread where someone asks abut the WS claiming to be unhappy. There are 3 pages of people all saying they knew when things went downhill, and it was right at the time the A started. The BS knows something is off. The WS may think they are acting normal, but they aren't.

Suspended, I assume you're a WS. For the WS, i'm sure it is better if the BS doesn't know. but if you ask anyone in the just found out forum if they'd rather not know, or if they are at least relieved to have the truth, they will almost all say the latter. Wait 3 months and ask those few that said they wish they didn't know, and they will have changed their minds.

You cannot understand the crazy-making things that happen to a BS. The gaslighting, the lying, the 'acting strange' - most BSs begin to feel that there is something wrong with them. They begin to feel that they are just insecure, or overly sensitive, or even that they're cracking up. And then some lie comes out, and the BS is crushed, and the WS lies about why they lied, and it's usually that the BS wouldn't have understood and they just didn't want to deal with all the bullshit the BS would do if the truth was known, and the BS feels worse about themselves. Then the real truth comes out. And it's ugly, And it hurts. And life won't be the same for the BS, or the WS. And many WSs wish the BS never found out. But every single BS is thankful that they finally got the truth.

Those BSs that got a confession are more thankful, because their spouse at least respected them enough to give them the truth instead of making their life a nightmare. Those that discovered it usually had to start digging. Why do you think they start digging? Do you think that we just decided that going through our spouses phone, or email, or jackets, or car seemed fun? Do you think we were bored? No - we KNEW something was wrong. We KNEW we weren't crazy. We KNEW there was more that wasn't being told. So they - WE - found it ourselves. And we were more angry because our spouses were willing to keep lying to our faces to save their own ass.

No, a confession is better. It shows the BS that the WS wants things to work. That they care and want to be honest with their spouse. Hiding shows a complete lack of respect, lack of integrity, and lack of any real feelings for the BS. I'm sorry Suspended, but you're very wrong in your assessment of what is 'best' for a marriage. Lying is never 'best'.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1864 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
AdamsApple
New Member
Member # 39262
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Good post She-Ra

Suspended:

Affairs are like a cancer. There may be many cases where people would be better off never knowing they have it. They could avoid the pain of treatments and emotional distress. But ignoring it does not mean the cancer doesn't exist. And knowing that it is there gives them the chance to root it out and become completely healthy.

You seem to be acting like a Doctor who decides it's in his patient's best interest to not know. But that isn't really your call. You are preventing your wife from the chance at a completely healthy marriage.

One thing I've learned in business is that many times screwing up and working hard to fix it brings more customer loyalty than not screwing up at all. It works the same in marriage. Keeping a secret like an A creates a wall that will cause emotional stagnation in a marriage. It can never be completely authentic.

Confessing does not hurt the BS or the M, it is the A that does that.

[This message edited by AdamsApple at 7:40 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 34 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

She-ra your post was wonderful, thank you for it.

Suspended I am truly trying to understand your posts here and on your own thread and have come to one conclusion. You are an unremorseful, selfish WS who thinks he knows better then all those on this forum who have btdt. You have found a way to justify your actions to make it okay to have done what you've done and to have positive memories. I confessed and it was the most horrible thing I have ever had to do. Want to know what my significant other said when I confessed? "I knew it." He was happy outwardly, loved me to death but he knew that something was different. I did too, so when he confessed that 8 years ago he'd let himself fall in love with someone else it explained so many gut feelings I had at that time and the time since then. I am happy I know, would it be easier to not deal with all the pain? Yes, yes it would be easier but it would not be better, I'd be living a lie.

[This message edited by Unagie at 7:13 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2697 | Registered: Oct 2012
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I agree with your op post, She-ra, on why confession is the way to go if you want to heal your self and your marriage. (I also agree with your follow up posts.)

suspended ~ your posts had me feeling many different emotions. Amusement, anger and sadness being the main ones.

Amusement at you trying so hard to impress us. And, then coming to the conclusion that us poor peons couldn't possible wrap our simple minds around your epically magnificent awesomeness. We couldn't possibly understand how very elite and sophisticated your SD/SB relationships are. Good stuff. However, you just come off sounding like any other stereotypical WS and cliche out there.

The anger at how you claim to have no religion. Apparently you do. You are the god of your personal religion. I feel you believe you have the right and power to control all the people in your life. You move them around like pieces in some cosmic chess game that you are playing by yourself. I feel you think you are entitled to make the people in your life play in your charade. You give them no choices, you take away their free will. They are enslaved to your manipulations. You have taken away reality for them and only allow them perceptions. You are the director of your own Truman Show. I have a feeling I would really like your daughter.

Sadness. For your wife and children, but a lot of sadness for you. You say you are numb and have no feelings. Very sad. It sounds as though you are an amoeba in a man suit. How very empty. How unfulfilling. How unauthentic.

I want to thank you, suspended, for giving me an ah-ha moment today, also. I have realized from your posts that in order for a WS to truly change and to be genuinely remorseful they must be humble. I feel that is going to be very difficult for you.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9497 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
AppleBlossom
Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

BS here. My WF did not confess, as I found out while he was having sex with a prostitute and butt-dialled me. However, over the course of some time, I found out (I hope) more of the truth.

Suspended, can I please assure you that this is one BS that can answer the question "is your relationship better knowing that your partner was unfaitfhul?" with a

HELL YES!!

The dark and uncertainty is gone, my partner can address every dark and sordid issue in the light - with me, his loving soon-to-be-wife by his side, supporting him completely and unconditionally. I honestly bless the day I found out. We were going nowhere before it, and the secrets in his heart left no room for me.

Confess. Have the respect for your partner that they deserve. The trust and love that you build up and sustain will be stronger and more sweet and beautiful than anything you can imagine, once you are there.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
Tickingtock
Member
Member # 41411
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)


IN ONLY THE MOST EXTREME CIRCUMSTANCE WOULD I EVER RECOMMEND CONFESSING A AFFAIR

@suspended, out of all of your posts, this is the most disturbing. Particularly "would I ever recommend."

You have absolutely no business giving advice to anyone on this forum. Your arrogance fails to mask your insecurity and the only advice you should be giving is how to get HPV (sorry, I meant educated and classy HPV).


Me: 31, exBGF, now married

Posts: 157 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Coast, USA
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 7:58 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

EVERYONE...

Please stop t/jing She-Ra's thread. This isn't about Suspended...this is about She-ra and her progress.

Please respect it.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197047 | Registered: May 2002
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

"She-Ra....that''''''''s a beautiful thing above, really, really great!! I''''''''m so proud of you"

Thanks DS

I mainly hope that others that read this thread that are on the fence about confessing will want to but scared will make the plunge for the sake of saving themselves, being honest to their partner and hopefully it will help save their marriage. I know if I hadn''''''''t confessed, my BH might not have found out but I know I would be sweating it forever, been depressed and not anywhere near the happiness I feel now. Our marriage has had ups and downs since dday but it would have had them anyways. Infidelity certainly hasn''''''''t helped but at least my hubby knows the truth and we can be real with each other. I feel like I can be honest with the world as well. Like when people see me smile, it''''''''s genuine.. When I deal with friends, family, coworkers or anything and I want them to believe what I say, I feel like I''''''''m being true to them inside and out. Being a cheater takes away any piece of integrity that you want to have.

So any lurkers reading this post currently or in future, please consider all the bright sides to the confession. Moral of the story and sums up what everyone wanted to make clear to suspended is that it''''''''s the affair that created the hurt, not the confession

[This message edited by She-Ra at 1:11 AM, December 12th, 2013 (Thursday)]


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 789 | Registered: Jul 2012
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

@suspended, out of all of your posts, this is the most disturbing. Particularly "would I ever recommend."

You have absolutely no business giving advice to anyone on this forum. Your arrogance fails to mask your insecurity and the only advice you should be giving is how to get HPV (sorry, I meant educated and classy HPV).

You know what is funny is statistically 75% of the people posting here have/had HPV at one point in there life. With over 100 strains with about 30% of those being the once that may aid in cancers.

We can disagree all day long. Of course I'm insecure who isn't? Who doesn't feel inadequate in at least something?

Do you not ever feel insecure? If not, that's awesome kudos to you!!

I read all of the responses and unfortunately no one has a real good answer as to why confession is better.

I see a lot of attacks on character, principle, or passing judgement. The facts are still the same.

I'm sitting right here right now at work! My life is great if my wife calls me and says "Honey, I can't hold in it anymore. I'm so sorry I've been sleeping with your boss. I was just so scared you would find out!!"

While noble trust me my life doesn't get better at that point. People are just afraid of being taken as the fool that's all it is.

I know it's a slippery slope and I do understand the principle point, the right/wrong, the vows made, the disrespect, the falsehood, etc etc that's not the question.

Does it make the marriage better/happier? No, it doesn't! I strongly suggest anyone who had a affair and it's hidden. Squash it, kill it, and move on focus on your spouse/family and forget it ever happened.

As for the

Like a cancer
comment. Stop projecting a affair is cancer, but porn everyday isn't?

If your spouse changed his actions well he/she obviously screwed up. Remember as psychotherapist say once discovery occurs often both parties rewrite history to make sense of it all. From the WS being miserable with the marriage to the BS saying "See I knew it" when in fact both are embellishing a little bit.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Please stop posting on my thread Suspended. You have a negative energy and I''m not impressed. No one is. No one cares about your success. Frankly my dear we don''t give a damn. You could be millionaire for all we know but you can keep your empty soul to yourself. Go post on your own thread that you have abandoned


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 789 | Registered: Jul 2012
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 12:52 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

suspended...

Please stay off other threads for now, you're only instigating things on purpose.

You have an active thread of your own, please post there.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197047 | Registered: May 2002
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, April 21st (Monday)

Bump for HorribleGF.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6127 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, April 21st (Monday)

Thank you so much for making this post. I was on the edge about telling my BS, and I didn't know how to go about it if I did decide to tell. But this post has definitely given me some insight and helped me to make the right choice. So again, thank you.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
IntoTheLight
Member
Member # 42957
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Affairs thrive in secrecy

Exactly. When I finally confessed my LTA to Dh and our families, one of the first questions everyone asked was "but HOW did it go on for so long?" I've asked myself the same thing so many times and I've concluded that it was because I didn't confess. AP and I ended it after the first encounter and then at least 50 times after that. I had 2 different therapists and a good friend tell me so many times over the years that it was wrong to tell- and honestly it's what I wanted to hear because I was selfish and didn't want to blow up my life. But the problem is that secret was a huge wall between me and BH, the secret kept me connected to AP. As long at we were keeping our little secret, the affair was alive.


WW-Me
BS-Him
Reconciling after confessing LTA

Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2014
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)

Bump


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6127 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
lostcovenants
Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, July 7th (Monday)

This is a great post she-ra!


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 151 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Bump for new member (hope this is ok).


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 842 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 69