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User Topic: Inappropriate or Not?
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, November 9th (Friday)

I'm not sure if this is the right forum, so if I have to take a flight, my bag is packed.

Background - I have zero contact with my X. Once in a blue moon I might have to email him over some paperwork thing that comes up, but nothing else. I never see him as he lives in another state. We are most definitely not friendly.

My issue -My father recently passed away. X found out from one of my kids. He sent a text saying his thoughts were with me and my family and saying to let him know if "there is anything at all I can do." For whatever reason, this just pissed me off to no end. I texted back that it was intrusive and inappropriate, and basically to go away. Despite that little exchange, I got a card in the mail a week later and found out he also sent one to my mother. I sent an email saying that he was the one that wanted me out of his life, and that he needed to stay out of mine. I really get pissed when he tries to pull this bullshit like we're friends. My feeling is that he is just doing it to assuage his own guilt - he could give a shit about me or my family.

Do you think I am over-reacting? I really don't sit around being angry or sad all day or anything - I feel like I'm in a pretty good healing phase. This situation really pissed me off though. I just needed to vent about it.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5136 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
positively4thst
Member
Member # 23998
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, November 9th (Friday)

I feel it was kind of him to do this. He has nothing to gain from it and your dad is his son's grandfather. I feel it was appropriate.

I am so sorry for your loss.


Posts: 1248 | Registered: May 2009
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, November 9th (Friday)

My father died going on three years ago and ex-asshat didn't once say anything to me about it. My father was his FIL for a good 18 years - I felt horribly slighted that he couldn't even manage a puny "I'm sorry" text to me. It's not that I wanted comfort or anything from him... just a respectful nod to a man who had always been good to him. It would have been the decent thing to do, IMO. Then again, "decent" and "ex-asshat" usually aren't uttered in the same sentence.

I'm sorry for your loss. I know how painful it is.

(((((kernel)))))

[This message edited by wildbananas at 5:52 PM, November 9th (Friday)]


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15393 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, November 9th (Friday)

I'm sorry to hear about your father. ((((kernel)))

I don't see his text or cards as inappropriate. I don't think he expected anything from them, but he wanted to send his sympathies. How did your mother react to his card?


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4166 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, November 9th (Friday)

I don't see it as inappropriate. Actually, it is proper.

My evil MIL died in 2008. I sent my condolences to my ex and also to his father.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29611 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, November 9th (Friday)

Sigh. I had a feeling your responses would go this way. My mother took it as nothing unusual. I suspect most of my anger comes from thinking that this was the type of thing X was supposed to be around to comfort me through. Just when you think you're in a really good healing place...


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5136 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, November 9th (Friday)

Yep. Your trigger was to the LOSS of his condolences TO YOU, not the fact that he made them.

The thing to do is to be gracious about it and work it through in IC.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29611 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, November 9th (Friday)

No, it was not inappropriate of him. It was thoughtful.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 6:29 PM, November 9th (Friday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, November 9th (Friday)

(((kernel)))

I am so sorry for your loss.


Posts: 35192 | Registered: Mar 2011
hurtinky
Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, November 10th (Saturday)

It would bother me too.

I feel if they wreck your life, their condolences about another loss are meaningless. It would strike me as fake, and as if they were were taking the opportunity to be seen as a decent person, when in fact they aren't.

I dare my ex to send me a sympathy card, or do anything else that tries to make him look like he cares about me or my family.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
hurtinky
Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, November 10th (Saturday)

It would be thoughtful and appropriate if he was sincere. How can a man who wrecked your life and obviously didn't care about your feelings be sincerely sorry about anything related to your life?

IMO he was USING the situation to try to SEEM like a nice person.

FWSs should leave their FBSs alone when things like this happen. Perhaps a brief "I'm sorry to hear about _____" but stop ready with the cards and offers to "do anything"...they already did enough, thank you.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, November 10th (Saturday)

His actions were classy, thoughtful and appropriate.

Yes, you did overreact, I''m afraid.

That said, in our grief we don''''t always think clearly and perhaps the loss brought up the abandonment of your ex. Take time to figure it out.

I''''m sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is a terrible thing.

[This message edited by Hope24 at 4:28 AM, November 10th, 2012 (Saturday)]


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
hurtinky
Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, November 10th (Saturday)

Obviously something is wrong with me. I don't think an exWS who wrecked your life gets to do anything "classy" in your life. There's nothing they can do or say that is truly classy, caring, or sincere. They pissed away their ability to be those things for you.

I don't think it is appropriate for an ex WS to try to act all caring about something related to their BS. I don't see it as classy. To me, it seems fake.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, November 10th (Saturday)

Hurtinky, there is nothing wrong with you If there''s one thing I have learned in my years on this board, it''s that one size definitely doesn''t fit all.

It''s the differing opinions that make the site so great.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
need_hope
Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, November 10th (Saturday)

kernel - I am so sorry for your loss. As I get older I know at some point I'm going to have to face the loss of a parent and I dread even thinking about that.

As for your question, I think it really depends on the type of relationship - or lack of relationship - you have with your X. Whatever his motivation for his initial text message, he sent a card after you told him his "condolences" were not welcome. I find that to be very inappropriate. To me that sounds like he doesn't truly care about your feelings, he just wanted to look good.

hurtinky - there is nothing wrong with you. I would not want to hear from my STBX in that situation either. I would find it the height of hypocrisy after everything he has done. He doesn't get to pretend to care about my feelings or my well-being now just because it makes him look like a good guy. I am NC with STBX as much as humanly possible and that's the way it needs to stay.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1732 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, November 10th (Saturday)

IMO he was USING the situation to try to SEEM like a nice person.

I would find it the height of hypocrisy after everything he has done. He doesn't get to pretend to care about my feelings or my well-being now just because it makes him look like a good guy.

These quotes illustrate exactly how I feel about the situation. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

His actions were classy, thoughtful and appropriate.

This statement is so far off from who he is now - I vehemently disagree. He's too fake for this.

Thanks for the opinions everyone. While I think my responses to him were overheated (should have ignored), I think my sense that it's fake bullshit to make himself look better is the truth of the matter.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5136 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, November 10th (Saturday)

This statement is so far off from who he is now - I vehemently disagree.

My opinion was based on his actions that he demonstrated in this situation and what you posted, Kernel. You know him best and if you are satisfied with your own interpretation and reaction then that''s all that really matters.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, November 10th (Saturday)

Thanks Hope24. I have been wrestling with this for the past week. It has really helped to write it down and hear other people's opinions - it forces me to examine my feelings more closely and find the clarity I seem to need. I'm not really satisfied with my reactions to him, but I understand them better now. I always spend WAY too much time trying to figure out his motivations and I need to let that go. I always want to make sense of things and it isn't always possible with him.

Thanks to everyone for your condolences. It helps.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5136 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, November 10th (Saturday)

So sorry about your father.

I think I'm w you and Hurtinky, because of my ex's actions and inactions over the past 3 yrs, I would NEVER believe it would be sincere.

But if my ex didn't even offer condolences, I would be pissed too


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1246 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, November 10th (Saturday)

My ex-step MIL passed away a couple of years after XWH#1 and I divorced. I called my son the day of the funeral to make sure he was OK. It was right before the funeral and my son wanted me to come. I wasn't dressed for a funeral, nor was I anywhere near that I could make it there in time. I had spoken to him the day before and he never said anything about wanting me with him and I didn't want to just show up. I felt really terrible for my son and knew my X put him up to asking me to come. Anyway, do not put too much thought into this. It is best to just ignore these things when they happen.

[This message edited by TrustGone at 1:42 PM, November 10th (Saturday)]


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
mariusa
Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, November 10th (Saturday)

Kernel, I am so sorry for your loss.
I think about this now that my mother is aging at a faster rate.
She has been such a big help to me though all this not to mention to ex and I when we were married.

He was able to cast her aside just as he did the rest of us.

I feel the same way as hurtinky.

I feel if they wreck your life, their condolences about another loss are meaningless. It would strike me as fake, and as if they were were taking the opportunity to be seen as a decent person, when in fact they aren't.

In the case of my ex, any condolences he would give would mean nothing because nobody means anything to him.
I would hope he would say something to my kids since they are so close to my mother but to me....I don't want to hear anything from him. It do nothing but upset me more.


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
ôLive without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
iamasurvivor
Member
Member # 29728
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, November 10th (Saturday)

I am so sorry for your loss!
I loss my dad in June, my ex emailed our daughter to ask her, to ask me if it was ok if he came to the visitation! I told her to have him call me. He did call and I told him that my family did not want him there and that I was going thru one of the hardest things in my life and the person that was supposed to be by my side walked out on his family. He said if I didn't let him come that I could never say that he hasn't been there for our kids!
He did end up coming for about 15 minutes, saw my dad and talked to our kids and then left. He wanted to talked to my mom, but our kids wouldn't let him! LOL
He proved again that he didn't care about me, by not respecting my wishes. He was the one that didn't want to be a family any more. He knew that he wouldn't be welcome but he wanted to show that he wasn't such a bad guy!


I will come out stronger!

Posts: 254 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: iowa
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, November 10th (Saturday)

(((kernel)))

My condolences on your loss.

As to your reaction, I totally understand and see why you feel the way you describe. I agree that silence would have a better choice as a response but in grief we do things less in wisdom than in reaction.

To date, by far the worst grief in my life has been dday and the aftermath. I suspect that intense grief in the future may trigger a return to that time??

I know that as the cause of such grief, my ex gets no pass or cause to send condolences by text or mail or in person. AND AFTER being told his presence was unwelcome and intrusive to have him follow that up with more intrusion?? It is a blatant fuck you and your wishes and far from appropriate IMO.

I actually cared for my SIL but if she or her husband pass, there will be no contact from me on that loss. They are NOT my family now. I have no relationship with them or anyone who will miss them outside of my children.

I think some ex's sense weakness and enjoy it or the idea of our pain?? Even the fact that I think this or believe it means that a letter highlighting this pain is an attack and not a condolence.

(((more hugs)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5821 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
miadianna
Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, November 10th (Saturday)

I'm sorry about your father. This would bother me and I think you have a right to feel this way, I would too. To me, when you're gone, you're gone. I'm sorry but when they leave, they have no right to be a part of your life anymore even when something like this happens. When they send a card, it's more about "them" than you or the person who passed away.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7477 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
ms_triv
Member
Member # 23812
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, November 10th (Saturday)

I'm sorry for your loss. I was in a very similar position when the X sent flowers after my father's death, six months after the divorce. My mom didn't appreciate the gesture AT ALL, but rationalized that he was trying to do something decent, even though he was a turd in the rest of his life. She couldn't bring herself to thank him, though, and asked me to do it. So I sent him a thank-you note that was every bit as stilted & phony as his condolence note, and that was that.


Divorced! and living exactly the life I want...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Overland Park, KS
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, November 10th (Saturday)

I would be pissed, too... I don't want my ex pretending like he cares/is concerned after he crushed my soul with his infidelity. It would come across as fake and insincere, or at best, seems like he was doing it to feel better for himself.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2230 | Registered: Feb 2010
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, November 10th (Saturday)

Why even bother caring about his motivations? Easier said than done, I know, especially during a time of grief.

I think it's best not to dwell on how pure or impure his motivations were. If his condolences are not welcome, ignore them.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
NoTriangles
Member
Member # 35985
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, November 10th (Saturday)

I share the opinion that is was inappropriate.

If you napalm my life, you don't get to assuage your guilt by expressing sympathy that another bomb fell on the village you already destroyed.

I am so very sorry for your loss, kernel.

(((kernel)))


Me: Finding my Sunlight
Him: Traitor in my Foxhole
Let go or get dragged.

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: a state of consciousness
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, November 10th (Saturday)

((((kernel))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25343 | Registered: Aug 2011
hurtinky
Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, November 11th (Sunday)

I think one of the major issues in this situation is, the exWS in this situation knows that the exBS doesn't welcome their expression of sympathy, or any other non-kid related contact, yet they go ahead and make the contact.

They, once again, do what makes them feel good, no matter how we feel about it.

Same sh*t, different day.

There's no decency in this.

These people know, without any doubt, that we don't want them in our day to day lives. We don't want contact. They know this. But they also know that the occasion of a death is so unique that maybe, just maybe, that they can sneak in and do whatever it is that their sad psyche needs to accomplish.

As someone else said, no, they don't get to do this.

They don't get to pretend that they care. Because after what they did, only a complete idiot would believe that they do care. There's no possible way they do care. They only care about themselves.

Personally, I think the ones who would pull a prank such as this are the worst of the worst. The last little shred of respect I have for my exWS is that he at least respects my desire for total NC. If he broke that, knowing how I feel, I would be furious. There's not a situation that could ever happen that I want or need for him to INTRUDE into my life.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, November 11th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry your loss, kernel. And I'm so very sorry your ex added to that pain.

I actually cared for my SIL but if she or her husband pass, there will be no contact from me on that loss. They are NOT my family now. I have no relationship with them or anyone who will miss them outside of my children.

I totally agree with this. In fact, I plan to tell my (adult) children that if anything at all happened to me I do not want xpos around me, or them, for that matter. It would be phony and self-serving, or simply being nosey. I want TOTAL NC!


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2330 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, November 11th (Sunday)

My phone submitted before I could add that, if feeling like that makes me a bad person, I happily accept that label! After what he has said and done, he deserves no consideration whatsoever.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2330 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, November 11th (Sunday)

(((Kernel)))

I get how you are feeling. He left you and your family, you aren't long lost friends.

My father (who cheated multiple times on my mother eventually left my Mom for his pregnant AP 20 some years ago) has come to almost every funeral on my mother's side of the family. Yep, to the viewings. He sent card, flowers, food to when each of my mother's parents died.

My Mom wasn't thrilled to see him but understood why he felt he needed to be there.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
hurtinky
Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, November 11th (Sunday)

Hitbyatruck, why did he feel he needed to be there? I just can't wrap my head around it being anything but wanting to be seen as a good person. Just another act of narcissism.

I don't want anyone who has hurt me, manipulated me, lied to me, tried to destroy my life, intruding into my personal life. A former WS who is even remotely concerned with not inflicting further hurt would honor, without exception, their former BSs need for privacy and NC.

I think the original poster's WS is a particularly nasty specimen of humanity. He made more gestures AFTER she told him to leave her and her family alone. What a jerk.

There's nothing decent or appropriate about an ex ignoring your need for NC.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, November 11th (Sunday)

Sorry for your loss

It's appropriate if he was sincere it's inappropriate if he was being manipulative

Only you can really differentiate.

But, if he sent the cards AFTER your text reply requesting NC (again) that is reeks of manipulative behavior. If the card was already in the mail then I'd let both episodes go.


Posts: 485 | Registered: Jun 2012
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, November 11th (Sunday)

My father still loved my mother's family even though he left in the most cruel way possible. He felt he needed to pay his respects. He always came with his own father (my grandfather) who also wanted to pay his respects.


My mother didn't feel it was her place to tell my father how to grieve or not grieve a person who used to be his family. She is just about at indiffernce with my Dad so it doesn't bother her that much to see him but if he would have brought his wife (former AP) that would have pissed her off.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
hurtinky
Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, November 11th (Sunday)

If the ex BS doesn't want any contact, I think the ex WS should stay away from BS and family, no matter what the situation, or how sincere they are about it.

Most ex WS's know and understand where the ex BS stands on this issue and if they have developed any concern and general respect for their ex BS, they will respect those boundaries. Only a real shit head would make contact and try to make it seem like they were doing something nice.

Man, this topic has really triggered me. I hope my ex never pulls a prank like this. He'll regret it.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, November 11th (Sunday)

Only a real shit head would make contact and try to make it seem like they were doing something nice.

Man, this topic has really triggered me. hope my ex never pulls a prank like this. He'll regret it.

Exactly, Hurtinky. I feel this way too, especially since he has done something in similar circumstances already. He continues to try to manipulate. And such concern....


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2330 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, November 11th (Sunday)

I feel if they wreck your life, their condolences about another loss are meaningless. It would strike me as fake, and as if they were were taking the opportunity to be seen as a decent person, when in fact they aren't.

This is how I would feel about it, too. Totally fake, and just another way to make outsiders think what a "nice person" he is.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2515 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, November 11th (Sunday)

First, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Gently, yes--I do think you're over-reacting. I think expressing condolences for the loss of a former FIL, the mother of his ex, and the grandfather of his son is MORE than appropriate. In fact, it would be inappropriate, IMO, if he did NOT do so.

I think your response is likely based in grief, though, so don't be hard on yourself.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I better not hear jack from my XWH if my Dad dies. My Dad is so sad for my sons that XWH left us like he did.

Maybe if it were an amicable split by a man who TRIED to make the marriage work but failed, that might be a different story.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2124 | Registered: Jan 2012
FirstLoveGone
Member
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

Any expression of sympathy from my XH would most definitely not be welcome.

He treated my family and I with such disrespect during the past 4 years that his condolences would mean absolutely nothing. How could he truly express sympathy for my family and I if he treated us with such contempt?


Posts: 1269 | Registered: Oct 2009
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 26th (Monday)

I think he was having a human moment..... even ex-asshats can have those once in a while I think.

((BIGHUGZ)) My condolences to you and your family.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
WhiteWolfWinning
Member
Member # 12475
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, August 26th (Monday)

I suspect most of my anger comes from thinking that this was the type of thing X was supposed to be around to comfort me through. Just when you think you're in a really good healing place...

Kernal,
I am 7 years out, my X and I are very cordial, I have forgiven and moved on ...
but for some reason, funerals - any funeral - causes me to become very angry with him. It's bizarre. I go to weddings - no problem. There's something about the end of life, though ... I don't know. Just wanted you to know I understand how that kind of anger can bubble up.

And, yes, his response was appropriate.

Many hugs on the loss of your dad.

Wolf


Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens


Posts: 8233 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
ISPIFFD
Member
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry about the loss of your father I lost mine last year and am still reeling from it...


Me: BW (55)
Him: WH (62)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1843 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

(((kernel)))
I'm sorry for the loss of your father.....

Now about the cards --
Your X sending a card to your mom was fine and appropriate.

But to you? No.

He sent you a text that acknowledged your loss and offered his assistance to you if you needed it. Which, regardless of his motives or intent, was a stand-up thing to do.

But IMO the card, in addition to the text, was insensitive and thoughtless. I picture him at the grocery store, remembering that he wanted to send your mom a card and just grabbing one for you also, kwim?

I don't know.....for some reason that card just seems like salt in a wound......


(eta: Oops. Didn't check the date on this OP before adding my .02. )

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:37 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

So sorry for your loss. Maybe it's my life's-too-short-for-this-shit attitude, but I'd find it total inappropriate if he DIDN'T acknowledge the passing of his former IL. Why worry about what his motives were? A simple "thank you" would have sufficed. What you have given him is further "see, that's why I left her" material--rightly or wrongly. I understand that you were coming from a terribly emotional place--both with your loss and his former treatment of you--but sometimes it really is best to turn the other cheek and just accept these things at face value. He did what any human being should--and whether he did them because he thought he should or because he wanted and needed to--is moot.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 10:10 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7213 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
Topic Posts: 47