Just Found Out
User Topic: need to vent (very long)
New Member
Member # 37459
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, November 12th (Monday)

I have been married for over 8 years now. I stay at home with my two boys. I thought life was perfect. My husband and I get a long great. We never fight. We love each other and our boys. Our sex life has become a little dull but I wasn't really worried about it. I didn't realize he was feeling unhappy about it and I definitely didn't think he would ever cheat on me. I trusted him to go out with friends. So when he was invited to go out with friends, on October 4th I wasn't worried. But the following week, I thought it was kind of odd when he disappeared for hours to get a stapler for his home office (he works from home). And then when we were tried to be intimate with each other later that day, he could not get erect for me. He said that this had happened last time we were together (which it did) and he was really concerned. I started researching it on the internet and that was when I read that he could be cheating. But he went to specialitst about it and they said it was stress and that probably because it happened once that it is just mental. On October 17th, my mom was visiting from out of town and was staying for two weeks. We went shopping and came home that night and my husband was in the shower and my mom went to bed. I was in the office when I heard his phone beep so I grabbed it. It was unlocked so I went on his facebook page and saw some sexual messages between him and OW. One of the messages he said he could not stop thinking of her. I couldn't believe it. I went upstairs and asked him who this person was. He admitted that he was having an affair. When he got out of the shower and came downstairs to talk to me, he would not tell me everything. He wouldn't even tell me who she was. The facebook page that she created was fake. Apparently, she has a family too and they both agreed not to tell their spouses if one of them was caught cheating who it was. He finally did admit some details to me the next day and told me that he ended it with her the night before after I went to bed. That they both knew it needed to end, that it was wrong, and that he did love me. He said he doesn't know why he did it. It just got out of control. He gave her a ride home, she invited him in and one thing lead to another. But then they ended up exchanging numbers, and meeting up two more times after that.
It has been a month now since I found out. I still don't know who she is. He still hasn't given me a lot of information about what happened. He said he doesn't want to hurt me and thinks I will obsess over who she is and that it doesn't really matter who she is. I said that it must be someone I know. He said it wasn't anyone I know. I really don't know what to believe. I don't know how I am supposed to be able to move on with out knowing everything. He said I can look at his phone, his facebook page when ever I want. However, he won't give me passwords because he says that is just how he always has been about that. Which is true, but I think he should be going out of his way to prove to me that nothing is going on. Instead, I have to ask him if I want to look at his phone or his facebook page. I do believe it is over and that he is sorry. And I really can't imagine leaving him but I just don't understand why this happened. He said nothing was wrong in our relationship. Yes, our sex life was frustrating to him but he was very happy and loves me. He did not plan on doing this. I feel like their must have been something wrong if he was willing to risk our marriage to be intimate with this person. I can see if he was with her once but he went out of his way, lied to me to be with her two more times. He said that he felt like he already did it once, commited the crime and that was why he went back and did it again. He did say he felt extremely guilty about it and could not sleep. And he was relieved when I found out because he wanted to tell me about it. I don't know if I believe that because if he was that guilty wouldn't he have ended the affair. When I found the messages on his facebook page, things were obviously still ongoing.
So now I just don't know what to do. He is out of town right now and comes home today. I just want him to show me that he is sorry. Go out of his way to make feel special again and show that he loves me. But he is not an emotional guy and not very affectionate so that would be out of the ordinary for him. Now I feel that when we are together intimately, not good enough. Apparently, they had great sex. We have been together since I found out and I have tried to make it great but he is still having issues with getting aroused. (He didn't have this problem with her though) I am worried that I am just not good enough. He said to me that I don't need to try so hard and just to be myself. But I can't help but think something must be wrong with me because why would he go with someone else if he could be with me. I am such a mess. I haven't told anyone about what has been going on so thank you for listening to me vent. I needed to get this off my shoulders and maybe get some advise from someone who has gone through this.

Me BW 35
husband 35
Married 10 years, together 13 years
OW-my so called "friend"
2 boys (7 & 3)
D-day 10/17/2012
D-day2-2/24/2013 told me it was her
D-day3-6/16/2013 found out affair never ended
Working on R

Posts: 35 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, November 12th (Monday)

I guess it depends on how firm of a stand you want to take on this. If it was me, I'd demand the information, have him send a no contact letter (NC), and out the affair to the AP's spouse if they have one. In my opinion, my spouse keeping those details is choosing the AP over our M, and it was a dealbreaker. My W at first did the same thing, and then I handed her a letter that was the outline of our divorce. I don't see how you can move forward when you don't know what you are moving from. It will eat at you for the rest of your life, every woman he talks to, or calls the house, or that smiles in your direction when you are out in town, you'll be thinking "is that her?". It will drive you nuts. Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library, and be prepared to act on it. He is not remorseful, and if he isn't transparent with you, I don't see much chance of you two reconciling. It will be like a cancer eating away at your relationship.

[This message edited by Tred at 9:07 AM, November 12th (Monday)]

Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4025 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 37433
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, November 12th (Monday)

I believe I would demand the information or there is no way for you to build trust again. Look for an IC for yourself and see if he is willing to go to MC.

Me: BW
He: WH
DD fall 2012
Getting a Divorce!

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 37433
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, November 12th (Monday)

I believe I would demand the information or there is no way for you to build trust again. Look for an IC for yourself and see if he is willing to go to MC.

Me: BW
He: WH
DD fall 2012
Getting a Divorce!

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, November 12th (Monday)

Ummm... he and his AP agreed to not divulge each other's names???!!!

How f-n calculating! And just whose side is he on? He either outs her or he gets out. Period.

All password, emails, texts, phones are yours to have. Period.

Please read up on the 180 in the healing library. I am so sorry you find yourself among us. You are not alone and will find tons of support here!

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 9:31 AM, November 12th (Monday)]

Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

Posts: 1565 | Registered: Jun 2012
New Member
Member # 36110
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, November 12th (Monday)

That's a crap situation.

He gave up the right to his privacy when he abused your trust. I'd personally have an issue if he couldn't share his passwords. For me, the mere fact that I'm checking on him is extremely humiliating to me and would compound the humility for me to have to ask. He's aware that I look, that's no secret, but I do it when he is not nearby. Not to mention, it gives your husband a chance to erase anything. If he's being honest and has nothing to hide, he shouldn't have any issues.

I also agree- it makes it so difficult to not know what you're moving on from...

I hope he can get the courage to give you what you need. And just so you know, you're not being unreasonable to demand honesty and transparency.

You've got to let your soul shine

Dday- May and June, 2012

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, November 12th (Monday)

I just want to add that it is not uncommon for men in happy marriages to cheat; I have one. Everything was worse about the OW, including the sex, which was cheap and meaningless. He never loved or respected the OW and ultimately found her annoying and demanding. Even so, he was able to comparmentalize and continue going back for years. He is working hard to see why he would do something that made him feel so badly about himself. I have an extremely hard time wrapping my head around this, but I would believe that it is not your fault and stop beating yourself up. Demand transparency for your peace of mind. Best of luck!

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1765 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 36401
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, November 12th (Monday)

Oh well as long as it is something that they both agreed on, that is totally okay. Except it isn't.

He needs to quit protecting her and start protecting you and your feelings. I am so sorry that happened.

Posts: 282 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, November 12th (Monday)

Oh Hell no.

He must tell you her name. Whatever promise he made to her to not reveal names if they were ever caught is null and void. His promises to you trump any promise he made to his whore.

Put your foot down. tell him if he wont give you her name then you will see a lawyer.

You have to know who she is. This OW waged war on you,your children,your family,your marriage.

He doesn't get to protect her over you. Fuck that.

And bullshit..he must give you full transparency. You get full access to all of his online accounts,including his passwords. He doesnt want too, because this is how he's always been? Too fucking bad. he cheated. That comes with consequences. You must have full transparency to R. it is a MUST. Having to ask him before you can see anything is bullshit. That gives him time to hide things.

He needs to be tested for STDs,as do you.

He also must answer all of your questions as many times as you need to ask them. This is how you process the trauam of being betrayed.

It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity. And that's with a remoseful spouse.

It sounds like he isn't remorseful. he's regretful. Remorse is all about you. Giving you what you need to heal. He isn't doing that.
Oh..and he needs to shut down his facebook. That is how he conducted his affair. So bye bye facebook.

Put your bitch boots on.

You cant believe a word he says. Cheaters lie and minimize. I don't believe he ended it either. I'd bet the farm this has gone underground. And how easy it must be for him,since you have no idea who she is. She may be a coworker and he sees her every day.

No. He has to tell you who she is. You have to know. His not telling you isn't because he wants to protect you. he wasn't worried about protecting you when he had sex with the OW. He's protecting himself..and the OW...and the affair.

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 35793
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, November 12th (Monday)

You've gotten some very good advice here. Please take care of yourself, and keep posting!

Married 24 years
Feel like I am doing all the work while he doesn't do shit to fix this.

Posts: 112 | Registered: Jun 2012
New Member
Member # 37448
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, November 12th (Monday)

Everyone has said it. I can't say it any better. He has to prove that he's sorry, that you're his prime concern, and that he wants your marriage to work. There is NOTHING wrong with you. He is lucky you were even willing to attempt sex with him after you found out. Him not being able to get erect is stress related, it is a mind control issue...he's too stressed out and anxious about his infidelity that he can't get it up. That's HIS issue not yours. YOU did not create this problem. He did. And he has to fix it. Again, he's lucky you're willing to give him a chance to fix it.

2 kids (ages 3 & 5)
Married 10 years, together 15
D-day - Sept 10, 2012 (found out from GYN that I had contracted an STD)

Posts: 20 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 37089
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, November 12th (Monday)

First of all, I am so so sorry for your situation. Mine is similar in that WH refused to give me her name for about two weeks, and it was torture...

Everyone has said it's not up to him to choose what you get to know. If he wants his marriage, he tells you whatever you need and he does NOT put her wishes above yours.

I wanted to reiterate in a BIG way that you hold back on the sex until he and you both are tested for stds. You need to seriously take control over this situation and he needs to relinquish it if you are going to make it through this. He's made enough poor decisions regarding your emotional and mental well being and health, don't let him tell you what you should and should not need to heal...

Me:BW, 34/Him:BH, 34/ 3 boys, 5,8,12
4ddays, now Divorced
We are not in Kansas anymore

Posts: 304 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: NC
Member # 34281
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, November 12th (Monday)

Just a gut feeling I have... do you think the reason he isn't helping you what her name is - is because he took the affair underground?

Become the best Nancy Drew you can and start snooping.

And... if he says the only had sex 3 times... multiply that by at least 2... that's usually the real number.

Hugs... sorry you are here.

Me ~ BS~43
Husband ~ WS~47
Second Marriage for both ~ almost 9 years
5 kids ~ my 2, his 1 and our 2
DDay ~ 11/5/11 DDay 2 ~ 1/7/12
In R and it is going well

Posts: 118 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 33822
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, November 12th (Monday)

I am so sorry you find yourself here. I know the pain is unbearable right now, but you will find lots of compassion and support here.

Please listen to what the others have told you. Take control of your situation and don't settle for anything less from your WH than you ask. He does not seem remorseful by his actions..he should be doing anything and everything he can to help you thru this and to begin repairing the damage he has caused to your marriage.

Something that doesn't make sense to me is that he told you the OW also has a family. Where were they the night he gave her a ride home and she invited him in? Also, are you sure that was a fake FB acct she used to write to him with? Or he is just saying that to make you think that's not her real name?


My WH (The KISA, NPD) 6 month EA in 2010
2 other EAs in 2012 & 2013
Filed for D 7/2014

Posts: 425 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 37330
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, November 13th (Tuesday)

What brokensmile said hits home.

Your story is essentially identical to mine, uncannily so other than I was too trusting to open any of his phone stuff. I found out via the OW's BS. But the "it happened once then 2 more times" " I still love you so we broke it off"...all the same. My WH however has gone out of his way to reinvest in the marriage. YOurs should not be protecting the other woman and I too suspect that you must know her. either he protects you and your emotional well being and tells you everything you want to know or he should get out.

Have you guys started MC?

I know I still think of it every minute of every day, it will be one month on the 16th. But I am cautiously optimistic that what he tells me is true, we are doing counseling, and when I ask he answers even if it hurts him/

Good luck

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

Married 10 yrs
Together 11 1/2 years
I've loved him forever
4 beautiful children ages 4-12 (one not bio his) but his through love

Posts: 597 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, November 14th (Wednesday)

The affair is about secrecy, lying, and infidelity in areas that don't involve just sex.

Till that is all done, the affair is not done.

He is keeping secrets with her right now, in other words "keeping faithful" to his promise to her.

That places her, and the affair, above your marriage, and you, in priority.

He remains faithful to her and her needs...and unfaithful to you and your needs.

BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1020 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, November 14th (Wednesday)

Not a lot to add to what you have already hear from the other folks, but you need to demand the passwords to him phone, his email, and his facebook account. Non-negotiatable.
He is having trouble with sex because he is not out of the fog yet. He is still pining for the high he got in the affair. We all know that anything new is exciting and especially if it is secret. He was in a bubble of unreality and he is having trouble letting it go. Best way to knock him out of that is a hard 180. You need to put the fear of God in him that you very well may leave.

If you do that, you will know what you are dealing with. Someone who loves you and wants to fight for you, or someone you have already lost. Either way, you need to know. So sorry you are having to deal with this pain. We all know how devastating it is. Hugs and keep posting. K

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1320 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, November 14th (Wednesday)

Could the OW be a good friend of yours??? Otherwise why do he care if you knew her name, a stranger is a stranger right??? I smell a fish some thing about this isnt right....

Big hugs to u..

People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..

Posts: 1805 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
New Member
Member # 37459
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 2nd (Saturday)

Turns out it was my friend. I have been lied to this entire time by both of them. He said the affair stopped when I found out but he didnt tell me because he was afraid if her husband found out he would sue us. This is someone that I have spent holidays with, gone on vacations with and share personal info with. I cant believe I have been betrayed like this for this long. I dont know if I will ever trust anyone again!!

Me BW 35
husband 35
Married 10 years, together 13 years
OW-my so called "friend"
2 boys (7 & 3)
D-day 10/17/2012
D-day2-2/24/2013 told me it was her
D-day3-6/16/2013 found out affair never ended
Working on R

Posts: 35 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, March 2nd (Saturday)

You need to tell her husband immediately. This affair needs to blown apart and their worlds rocked. Read the healing library - you have a wealth of knowledge there that will help you either save your M or move on. Your M is doomed without remorse, transparency and honesty. YOU get to decide the info you need to heal. If he cared a lick about hurting you, he would never have had the A.

Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
New Member
Member # 37459
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 22nd (Monday)


Well now I think I got all the truth. You were all right. I was too blind to see it but he never did end the affair until the beginning of May (according to him).Her husband hired a private investigator and found out that they were still seeing each other. Her BH tried to tell me but wh denied it and I was in denial. I didn't figure it out until June 16th when i went into our office and found his secret Facebook page that he created when I found out in October. He thought he was in love with her, there were talks about him leaving me for her. They have been talking everyday this whole time and saw each other 2-3 times a week. When I found out I walked out on him and left for my parents with the kids for two weeks. We almost separated but now I am back home and we are going to marriage counseling. I do think he is out of the fog and is being remorseful. But I am having a terrible time getting over it. I obsess over her. She is a size 00 (even though she is bulimic) So I feel insecure about my weight. He said she was very nurturing. So I guess I am not. I don't know how to act around him. He tells me to be myself but he wasn't happy when I was myself. I don't know how I am ever going to believe a word he says. He lied to me for 8 months!!

Me BW 35
husband 35
Married 10 years, together 13 years
OW-my so called "friend"
2 boys (7 & 3)
D-day 10/17/2012
D-day2-2/24/2013 told me it was her
D-day3-6/16/2013 found out affair never ended
Working on R

Posts: 35 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I am glad that you did get the truth. I just read the entire thread, and knew in my gut from your first post that it was still ongoing. You need to do a few things for you before you even consider trying to R with your H.

1. read the healing library, and sit down and figure out what it would take for you to rebuild your M.
2. See a lawyer, so that you aren't afraid to do what you want because of the unknown.
3. Go get yourself STD tested. Even if he tells you they used protection they didn't. Since she sounds like she has other issues this may not be her first go round with an A.
While you are at the Dr talk to them about your stress level, andif you are having trouble with eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated ask for a little chemical support. Sleep deprivation for me fed the anxiety, and obsessive thinking.

YOU are not the cause of his A. You weren't too thin, too fat, too kind, too mean, too bad of a cook. You were NOT a bad mom, housekeeper, bad lover. His actions have actually NOTHING to do with you. It is about something broken within himself. He has to figure that out. Why he felt the need to go outside the M to feel whatever he got from the A.

Do not compare yourself to her. She is broken. You already know that. someone who stuffs and chucks has issues, and they are pretty deep usually. It's not about being thin.

The last thing to consider is your H really remorseful, or his he just sorry he was caught? There is a difference. Sorry I was caught looks like lots of words, and not much action , in addition to not wanting to talk about it, getting angry, and blameshifting when you ask questions.

Real remorse is kind, gentle, and backbreaking to help you heal from what he did.

You will find tons of support, and many great people here.

Keep posting, and keep asking questions.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8738 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Well now I think I got all the truth

I am sorry to say but I don't think any BS ever gets all of the truth. Anyone capable of lying and cheating is going to minimize their horrid behavior even if they are remorseful. They don't want to look like even more of a jackass than they already do.

Tread lightly. Why is this time different than the other 3 with regard to telling the truth?

He tells me to be myself but he wasn't happy when I was myself.

I know exactly what you mean. EXACTLY. I said the same thing to my husband. Why am I suddenly the love of your life when I wasn't why you were having an A? I haven't changed. My FWH said that it was he that finally realized what he had and was taking me and our family for granted. Duh

All I will say to you is that do not beat yourself up over the WHY he chose to have an affair. As hard as it is to understand, it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. It was an ego stroke and it was an escape from reality. La La La Fantasy Land.

They say when someone has an affair it is not about what they aren't getting, it is about what they aren't giving.

He needs IC to figure out why he chose to cheat, why and how it was okay and why it continued after 3x's of being discovered? Why should you believe him now? What changed?

As far as the other woman is -she is as broken as your husband. Who cares if she's a size 00. She is a shell of a person that betrayed her husband and her friend. Her soul is UGLY.

She was very nurturing because she was busy creating and environment where she could lie and manipulate to satisfy her own selfish needs. She had the play book on how to be an understanding and loving person. She didn't have to deal the real world with him. It was sunshine and rainbows and nothing real or hard.

How about HE worry about nurturing YOU if he wants to stay? How about him getting over himself and making this about YOU and how he needs to accept accountability and help you heal?

He tells you to be yourself. Tell him you don't know who that is anymore because he has turned your world upside down and you don't know which way is up right now. But if and when you figure it out (and you will) you hope he has done the hard work that will help you to want to remain with him.

Shift the power. This isn't about you winning him back this is about him winning you back.

He should be begging forgiveness and so incredibly thankful that you are still around after DDay #3.

Have you verified NC? Have you defined your boundaries. Does he know what will happen if there is a DDay #4?

Good luck. Protect yourself and your children because it will take some time to work through all the hurt, lies and deceit.

Good luck. Prayers for strength.


[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:11 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1214 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 23