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User Topic: Husband looking for insite
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, November 19th (Monday)

Ugh,

First off, Wow this is hart breaking to see all these stories. I would also say this site should be mandatory reading for all couples to understand the pain that can occur.

The good news is I don't think my wife has had a physical affair, I know she took a friendship out of bounds of a married couple and it appears that I caught it before it might have developed.

Background: My wife and I are involved in our boy's activties. Way back about 6 years I saw her interacting with another male activity leader that instantly bothered me. My wife is very outgoing and I have never had a issue, and still don't with her male frends, but this one got to me.

My gut was screeming, I confronted her and told her that by the way she was acting that other people would think she was married to him and not me. She assured me that this was not the case and I for the most part let it go.

Didn't want to be the jelous husband, and after all I loved my wife and completely trusted her.

They remaind friends, I am also friends with him. Over the years I would always have a bad feeling when I would see them interact, as she would behave differently, always finding time to talk to him, seeming to find ways to do activities that involved him.

The old saying about trusting your gut, well I can realy beleive that now.

Fast forward to last Thrusday, my wife is always on her smart phone, it bothered me lately, she used to leave is out, but now it seemed to be at her side all the time. I woke up for work and was getting my one son out the door, I had to go back up to get him moving and saw that she was already up in bed on her phone, she was playing a game with "him". I said, what are you having a affair or something,

Her responde was, "why would you say that", Then a few moments later she came down to the kitchen trying to understand why I would think that, I believe she was probing for what info I might have. Then I left for work, was thinking about how she responded and it bothered me. I tried to put my fears aside and told my self that if she brought it up again I might have reason to worry.

Well she called me about 30 seconds later on the way to work and she again wanted to know why I thought that way, again, I belive probing for what info i might have.

Last Thursday my Gut starting screeming.

Friday night, she left for a night shift (RN), my son was on the computer and had just gotten up, and I saw that her facebook page was still loged in.

I trying to assure my gut, went into her games.

There were 4 active "words with friends" games ongoing 2 were with him. You could also see past games, 8 of the last 10 games were with him. They were using the chat feture to talk. All the other games with family members there was minimal chatting, but on theirs there were pages after pages. They were chating back inforth without even playing words most of the time. Most of the talk was about day to day activties and not about the game. She made several over the line comments, they were talking about if/when/how to delete old games, and MY wife said "we don't need to worry about that yet :)".

She also told him that she turned of email notification for the game. RED FLAGS all over the place.

I did some reading about emotional affairs and printed some articles.

Saturday evening:
I wanted to get her alone, but I couldn't take it anymore.

She was waking up from a nap (worked the night before) I asked her in our bed room if there was anything she needed to tell me, nothing.

I asked her if she was having a EA, she said with who, his name was not mentioned, but we both knew who we were talking about.

I asked her when was the last time she had contact with him, she said last night on the game (TRUTH)

I asked her why they don't play anymore, as we don't get emails when new games start. She said she had no idea why we dont get emials. I alredy know that she turned off email notification for this game (LIE)

I finaly broke down, told her that she left her face book page up, and had seen all their chats. To her credit, she agreed with me and understood why I was feeling they way I was. Agreed that his wife would be concerned if she saw what I saw. To his credit the other guy did not bite on any of her suggestive comments. I gave her the bunch of articles about EA's and the signs, told her to read them and we would then talk.

I left, she got worried, called I came home.

My issue, I can't think, don't know what way is up. Fine one moment, then gone.

The pain I have felt over the last couple of days I would not wish on anyone.

Were I am today +3
I think I caught a early EA, she does not think it is, but has not yet read the articles.

Questions: what to do about their frendship, she is willing to let him know that I saw all the chats and they need to cool it down. This make me feel like a chump.

Fears: That they continue, deeper underground, that this will bond them closer.

Hopes: That she will step back, see what she has said, that is was not the way a married women should behave and put new boundries in place (but what)


I know this pales in comparison to most of these situations and I thank god for that. But my trust is gone, I don't even trust myself with my thoughts.

Any advise on a path forward would be welcome.

Sorry for all the SP errors.


[This message edited by Overcomming at 9:27 AM, November 19th (Monday)]


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
allhopegone
Member
Member # 37465
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, November 19th (Monday)

I'm realy sorry man and I hope you have caught it early.
I have a similar situation in many, many ways. Looking back on it there are so many things I wish I had done differently when I first had suspicions.
Every situation is somewhat different, but based on what I read about how she is acting, I believe it is probably at least a well developed EA. I am short on time right now but will post more later.

Posts: 91 | Registered: Nov 2012
32mor
Member
Member # 35105
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, November 19th (Monday)

First off, sorry you are hear man. Know that you will get the support and advice you are looking for and this was the best site by far that I joined. First, be sure you check out the healing library on the left; tons of great articles and information for you.

Next, the emotions and lack of trust you are feeling is totally normal. It is likely going to continue but I would suggest that you do it carefully; meaning don't tell her that you are searching as it will push it deeper underground. It sounds like she is already being crafty in what she is doing, which obviously is a major red flag that she's hiding shit. Her batch of paranoia is also suggesting something to me.

I'm not throwing out accusations, but what you will find on this site is years of experience and things to look for. I will caution you that will you think your situation is different or unique, there are many patterns of behavior that they all exhibit. I found that months after reading others posts, they sounded exactly like mine or that I had had written them.

My suggestion is you investigate the hell out of her. Start looking at key loggers and apps to install on her phone. Tell her nothing and don't reveal your sources. I would confront mine with every single piece of evidence and she'd continue to find new ways to hide it; including buying a separate phone.

The pain in discovery is the worst but know that you have to find honesty in her on your own. You're not going to talk her out of the affair or into sharing shit with you. Did you say the OM is married? You have to consider telling his wife, like right now of your findings. Don't warn or threaten your wife about this, just do it.

Hang in there man, I'm not going to lie to you, this all sucks.


Me: 41 BH
Her: 39 WW
Married 8 yrs, together 12
Two kids: 8 & 5
D-Day: 1/2012
A ended: 6/2012
False R and WW broke NC: 7/2012
D: 8/2012

You can't change the past.
Stop living in it.


Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Michigan
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, November 19th (Monday)

Thanks allhope, just talking to someone else helps.

I have no one to talk to but my wife.


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, November 19th (Monday)

Thanks 32mor,

Let me claify some things.

My wife does not hide her phone, she has it unlocked, I belive I could check it anytime I wanted.

I belive she was just starting to cross the line and my gut and found it before it developed.

I think she was realy suprised at her actions and I hopefully shocked her enough to step back.

She said / realized that it's going to be "awkward" at our kids activites now. I said it has alway been for me. I don't think she was seeing it before, hopefully now?

No I am not going to tell his wife. Like I said he did not in anyway cross the line with her. Its my wife that worries me, not sure what path she will take.


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, November 19th (Monday)

I am sorry Overcoming...your wife's reaction to your question really make me say bullshit to all of her answers!!

This was at the very least an EA.

I would keep digging. I also would demand NC.

I would draw a line in the sand NOW!!!

She is about to drive your train off the track if she hasn't already....

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, November 19th (Monday)

Buy the book "Not Just Friends".

You both have to go completely NC with this guy.

Also, get a keylogger.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1200 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
fireproof
Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, November 19th (Monday)

Based upon what you wrote, I would say that she was the one to make suggestive comments and he did not respond. Knowing this I would keep a distance from him at activities you both attend and do not participate in specific group projects he is involved in.

I would also go to Marriage Counseling and see if there is a deeper issue or if she just liked the attention.


Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2012
Gipper
Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, November 19th (Monday)

My situation was a lot like yours. This seems way too easy. It seems harder to cut off long term emotional attachments than it does physical ones, especially when you have to interact with the AP. She may be remorseful, but I would look very hard for another phone or some other way she can communicate with him. I pray that I am wrong, but in my situation things got a lot worse before they got better.

Posts: 717 | Registered: May 2011
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, November 19th (Monday)

Thanks for all the replies, It is great to know different perspectives, as I said I am finding it hard to trust my thoughts.

The one thing I do trust is my Gut. My Gut tells me it was just a beginning of a EA. I have access to to her suff as I said I could pick up her phone anytime.

My Gut tells me she is remorsefull, and has told me so.

My Gut and what I found was that it was a friendship that was starting to cross some boundry lines. If it was someone else, other then him I would almost feel better.

I fear she will resist putting up boundaries, and how I will cope with this if she does.

I fear it will go underground.

I fear she will not "get it" and get angry at me.

I fear she will blame me for her altered friendship with him.

So much Fear, we have been married 18 years. To her credit she is open to talk about it, and were both struggling with a path forward.

[This message edited by Overcomming at 10:14 AM, November 19th (Monday)]


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, November 19th (Monday)

You need to tell his wife. She deserves to know her husband was involved in an EA with your wife.

She needs to go NC now,with an email that you see and approve of.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7321 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
WarpSpeed
Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, November 19th (Monday)

You've stated that she crossed the line in her communications.

If that is the case, there isn't any remotely reasonable rationalization she can put forth for not compeletely severing the relationship. You need to ask for this today.

She doesn't get to be friends with someone she flirts with and has invested that much time in.

Go pick up the book "Not Just Friends" today and read it. It really is a tremendous read for someone where you are at right now.

Hand it to her when you tell her she needs to go no contact. Tell her you're willing to talk about why you are asking for no contact but she needs to read the book immediately.

hang in there


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, November 19th (Monday)

Others have said it, tell the OM spouse about what has been going on. The time and enjoyment she spends/gets with this man SHOULD be spent with you, her Husband. The OM is meeting an emotional need of hers that should be met by you. If you don't stop it now, it will move on to something else if it already hasn't. Also don't tell your wife that you are notifying OM spouse.

She said / realized that it's going to be "awkward" at our kids activites now. I said it has alway been for me. I don't think she was seeing it before, hopefully now?

Well she made it awkward. not sure how your marriage is other than this issue but if things are rocky you may want to look at this as a symptom of a coming cold and you need to take steps to prevent something worse or a repeat. At a minimum the books mentioned but if your wife had an EA then something isn't right in yrou marriage in at least her mind and possibly yours as well.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, November 19th (Monday)

Lots to think about :(

I came here to help myself rationalize this as a simple occurance that just got carried away. There chats back and forth were maybe 2-4 a day, with a few days off in between sometimes.

I believe she does not know what she is doing, or how it has affected me.

Looks like we have some reading to do.

Yesterday when we were discussing it, we were trying to figure out how she was going to stop / limit their interaction. We decided that she would contact him and let him know that I had seen everyting and that she understands that she crossed some lines.

She made that call today, kind of told me how it went (could not talk where she was at) I will talk to her more tonight. She seemed sad. Anyway we have our boys activity tonight, I am taking the boys, she has a relative in town for the night. She said that he asked if he should talk to me (my friend too), she told him that she thought that might not be a good idea.

Not sure what to do.

BOY can't wait.

The time and enjoyment she spends/gets with this man SHOULD be spent with you, her Husband. The OM is meeting an emotional need of hers that should be met by you. If you don't stop it now, it will move on to something else if it already hasn't.


This Hit home.

Well she made it awkward. not sure how your marriage is other than this issue but if things are rocky you may want to look at this as a symptom of a coming cold and you need to take steps to prevent something worse or a repeat. At a minimum the books mentioned but if your wife had an EA then something isn't right in yrou marriage in at least her mind and possibly yours as well.

Need to think about this. I think / thought our marrage was good. We have had our standard ups and downs like any marriage raising three kids. She recently starting reading the 50 shades of grey series and our bedroom life has actualy picked up.

She is a very strong willed person, so she does tend to dominate our relationship especially in verbal communication, so over the years I think of let myself shut down alittle when we are talking about stuff.

Total NC would be very tough, same schools, kids in same activities.

[This message edited by Overcomming at 8:21 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)]


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, November 19th (Monday)

Also for a better picture, he has been in the picture as her friend for over 6 years. It has just been recient that the lines have been crossed. Before it was just a friendship that I could see she was in to close, but I always felt stupid saying something.

Only reciently (past 3-4 months) with her smart phone and a way to talk in secret did she feel the rush to start pushing the envelope.


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, November 19th (Monday)

When she walks in the door tonight, ask to see her phone. Read all her texts. If she has any email accounts, get in them. You need more information. Do NOT warn her ahead of time. If she throws a fit, gets angry, acts self righetous, you know you are on to something. Don't back down.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6360 | Registered: Jan 2011
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, November 19th (Monday)

Are you going to tell his wife?

Also,her phone call to him should have been made in front of you.

Im a little concerned that you don't have the whole picture here.

It sounds as if she has been crossing the line with this man for a long time. She acted inappropriately with him in the past,and you told her so. Yet,she continued.

This poor man's wife needs to know what has happened. This is an EA. You said he didnt seem all that interested. Even so,his wife deserves to know. She probably considers your wife her friend. She needs to know she's not.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7321 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, November 19th (Monday)

Your story seems like Deja Vu to me. It all started with a "harmless" friend that seemed to talk to her too much. Later I found out about a secret e-mail account.

Affairs (and affairs clues) are like cockroaches - if you see one there are many others you haven't seen yet.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1200 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
jimbo25319
Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, November 19th (Monday)

I like the "let me see your phone dear" idea. If there's nothing there, no problem. If she fights tooth and nail, or refuses, I don't think you know everything that happened.

BTW; the OM's W deserves to know whats happened.


Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

Update on last night.

I took the boys to their activity, he and I seemed to keep at opposite ends of the room through out the night. It was very, very tough for me to be there.

After, when things were breaking up, I found the strenght to go up to him, and ask if we could have a word in private.

We went up stairs to a area were we could talk. I told him that I knew that my wife had called him to let him know that I know about there excessive online interaction.

He apologized, and agreed that what they were doing was inappropriate. I asked what his wife would think of all there interactions, he agreed that she would not be happy.
He said that he only ever considered her a friend.

He said that he was happily married and thought we were too, and agreed that some marriage lines were being crossed.

I told him that I thought that they were to good people that put themselves in a position that could have developed into something dangerous.

I told him I would not bring this issue up again with him, unless I had to (he got the message)

When I got home and everyone was asleep, I was watching MNF (god my fantasy team got killed this week). Wife came down, I asked for some more detail about their phone conversation, did not get much more then she already told me.

She asked if we talked and I told her what I said above. She then asked what my internet friends were suggesting I do, I told her there not friends, there 1000’s of people who have gone through stuff like this and worse, who are trying to give me sound advice, as I don’t know what’s real anymore.

I told her that most were advising that there be no contact, and that I tell his wife, and your are correct they are friends.

I asked her what she was thinking, what put her is a place that she thought she could do this. She started to bring up our marriage issues, but stopped herself (a little blame shifting starting) I called her on it and told her that I knew what stage she was going into and all the stages ahead.

I find myself moving from the Shock to Anger phase.

She said that she felt cheap, I think she starting to see the reality of her actions. I ask her what she could do to help me feel safe, she just said “what do you want me to do”. Would be nice for her to take some action.

I asked if she deleted all the games, she said yes, not sure how to take this, but I guess I would have as well. Does not matter I have more than enough screen shots of there activity.

At the end of the conversation, she asks if I planned to tell his wife. I said I was not sure. I asked if it was me having this interaction with another married women, would she want to know. She paused at this, but then said if there was something more going on than yes, but they were just too good friends who let their friend ship get too close.

She said “I” should think of the devastation “I” would cause in the school community if I told her. This pissed me off, I said the devastation “I” would cause, I did nothing, and it was her that put me in this position.

She went up to bed; I sat there in the dark for another hour crying.
This morning was tough; we were alone for a few min. and we hugged, I asked if she could do me a favor to help me find flat ground again. I asked her if she could let me know of all contact she has with him going forward. (Hard Part) The look in here eye, she hesitated (thinking of the ramifications?) she told me that it would be hard, that they were close friends and share a lot between each other. Real Truth on her part, Real pain on my part.
I told her that that is what a classic EA is, and that is why we need to fix this.

She agreed to this.

Real fork in the road here, god I pray for us that she takes the right path.

Eating is tough, which I see from other posts is normal. Did not eat anything Friday and Saturday, Sunday forced myself to have some dinner, as we were eating as a family. Monday could not eat to dinner and again forced myself to eat. No energy, my brain hurts, work is suffering.

As far as telling his wife, the coming days will decide that. I’m thinking of holding that info, to help them have incentive to do the right thing.
If she fails, this situation will go Nuclear, moving more and more to the anger stage.

[This message edited by Overcomming at 5:50 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
faithfulfool
Member
Member # 34252
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

I hate this for you, man. Unfortunately, I'm chiming in with the others that say that your story doesn't sound so different from the rest of ours. I really hope I'm wrong, but your gut was screaming 6 yrs ago! The first time you saw them together! 6yrs! That is a long time! And you've been uncomfortable the whole time!

You've received lots of good advice so far. I just want to say that I understand how overwhelming the advice can be. It is so counter intuitive at first to NOT trust your spouse, to NOT give them the benefit of the doubt. It's been you and your spouse on the same team, fighting the world together, you trust her...but the truth is she wasn't on your team, she was not trustworthy, she crossed the lines. It hurts like hell to realize your world is not what you thought.

I know in the beginning I so badly wanted to believe my wife, that it wasn't that bad. I just wanted to believe that all the people on this board were just bitter and jaded, well, some of us may be, but we've also been there done that, and most of us know what we're talking about.

Now is not the time to be nice. Now is not the time to trust her.

Even if you do have the whole truth (which I truly hope you do, but probably do not), you have to step away from your life and look at it from the outside.

IMO, you must demand NC (No Contact) EVER, you must get into marriage counseling, and her, at least, to individual counseling. It may seem extreme from your perspective, but unless these issues are repaired, they will resurface later.

ETA: Cross-posted you there.
Wanted to add that I would also recommend telling the OM's wife. Besides being the right thing to do, she will likely be an ally in enforcing NC.

[This message edited by faithfulfool at 8:28 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)]


--------------
Me: BH(33)
Her: fWW(31)
Married 8 yrs, together 15. no kids
D-day: 7/15/11
TT thru 4/24/12

Posts: 78 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: The South (USA)
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

faithfulfool,

Your post stung me hard.

Need to reread it a few times.


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
reallyscrewedup7
Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

Overcomming

Look, I know you are hurting and you love your wayward wife. All of us BHs on this site suffer from that problem...

But you do realize there is WAY more to this story than you are admiting to yourself. Six years. And you think this activity is only recent? And you think it is just a "budding EA?"

Brother, I hate this. But your life is going to get worse unless you are willing to face the very likely probability that way more has gone on.

#1. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE tell OM's wife. You hold ZERO leverage over him. Quit thinking that you can control the situation through the threat of disclosure. You are kidding yourself. Either you will expose or you will not. They (your wife and OM) believe they have you by the short hairs and you will NEVER do anything to upset the apple cart.

The RIGHT thing to do is to send her a brief note with a short amount of proof saying you have more if you need it. Apologize for the pain but say you would want to know if someone was in your position. Keep it short and simple with no recriminations. Do not call OM an SOB or give her reason to defend her WH over you.

2. See a lawyer. Look, I am NOT say file for divorce, but you are going to find out there is way more to this. Your wife is already in damage control mode hoping you do not find out more. And it will kill you. But then you will be paralyzed by fear to move forward. Seeing a lawyer will let you know what to expect and brother, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. and you need a lot of power now

3. Install a Keylogger, hack her phone, do what you need to feel safe. It will go underground and you will be betrayed again. The high of OM is way too much for your wife to change now just because you caught a tip of the iceberg.

Look, I am not trying to beat you up. I have been where you are. But I know that indecision and inaction and fear are your WORST enemies now. You want to believe you can control this and it is not really THAT bad and that you will make things worse by being assertive. You could not be more wrong.

I pray you will gain the strength to do what you need to do to.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 899 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
reallyscrewedup7
Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

DDP

[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 8:35 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)]


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 899 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

The high of OM is way too much for your wife to change now just because you caught a tip of the iceberg.

That is my fear.


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
32mor
Member
Member # 35105
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

I really have to echo faithfulfool comments as I felt that exact same way when I landed here. I was on emotional overload and wasn't thinking clearly. I thought the idea of exposing was crazy and it was only going to cause more harm than good, her 'secret' ended with me and I was trying to salvage my marriage. She convinced me that telling his spouse would only do more damage and make the situation worse.

I truly hope your situation is as "innocent" as you are making it out to be, I really do. People here support M and are not giving advice as scorned spouses, it is based on experience. Experience I wished I had listened to right off the bat, instead of trusting that my spouse was telling me the truth.

NC, EVER is the only way this is going to work; and I mean EVER. I still strongly suggest exposing to his wife, if nothing else so you have another set of eyes on them. Also, put yourself in her shoes for a moment. If she caught them doing this same thing, would you want to know? Would it destroy your marriage? If they've assured everyone it is over and no big deal, then what's the problem getting this out in the open so everyone can heal and move forward? Being the secret keeper isn't too fun.


Me: 41 BH
Her: 39 WW
Married 8 yrs, together 12
Two kids: 8 & 5
D-Day: 1/2012
A ended: 6/2012
False R and WW broke NC: 7/2012
D: 8/2012

You can't change the past.
Stop living in it.


Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Michigan
ForwardMotion
Member
Member # 32608
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

Over - I am so sorry you are here brother. Please listen to RSU7. And you are going to need to insist on and enforce No Contact. It really sucks that you have shared kids activities. But if she isn't willing to go NC, what do you really have?

I will tell you as someone who didn't figure this stuff out for awhile, decide what you stand for and stick to it firmly. You will save yourself heartache.


me - BH

'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'


Posts: 407 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Tejas
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

She asked if we talked and I told her what I said above. She then asked what my internet friends were suggesting I do, I told her there not friends, there 1000’s of people who have gone through stuff like this and worse, who are trying to give me sound advice, as I don’t know what’s real anymore.

Your wife is fishing for information trying to gauge what you know and what you are thinking. If there was really nothing going on she would not feel guilty and would have opened up completely to you. This is sign of cake eating. Seh si trygin to figure otu what you will do and she will react accordingly, i.e., has she faced any real consequences. right now she has none. You called her on it but she doesn't have any consequences for her actions thus no need to stop them and she can go underground.

She started to bring up our marriage issues, but stopped herself (a little blame shifting starting) I called her on it and told her that I knew what stage she was going into and all the stages ahead.

Imo, you both need to get into counseling to address her issues. her not being able to talk to you about her issues is probably one fo the reasons she went to OM in first place.


She said that she felt cheap, I think she starting to see the reality of her actions. I ask her what she could do to help me feel safe, she just said “what do you want me to do”. Would be nice for her to take some action.

Don't ask her what she can do. YOU need to set the boundaries that YOU can deal with for her. i.e., no contact, access to email accounts, and phone, and whatever else YOU need.


I asked if she deleted all the games, she said yes, not sure how to take this, but I guess I would have as well. Does not matter I have more than enough screen shots of there activity.

People that do nothing wrong have no reason to hide evidence or destroy evidence.


At the end of the conversation, she asks if I planned to tell his wife. I said I was not sure. I asked if it was me having this interaction with another married women, would she want to know. She paused at this, but then said if there was something more going on than yes, but they were just too good friends who let their friend ship get too close.

If nothing inappropriate happened she wouldn't care if you told the wife. The line "if there was something more going on" sounds alot like projection to me. You asked her a simple question. The easy response is yes I would want to know or No it wouldn't bother me. She had to think about it.

She said “I” should think of the devastation “I” would cause in the school community if I told her.
Red Flag imo. If nothing was going on then no reason not to tell OM wife. As it stands you already gave OM heads up that you know and now he can go begin gaslighting his wife in anticipation of your contact.

I asked if she could do me a favor to help me find flat ground again. I asked her if she could let me know of all contact she has with him going forward.
Don't ask it shoudl be a requirement on top of NC.

The look in here eye, she hesitated (thinking of the ramifications?) she told me that it would be hard, that they were close friends and share a lot between each other.
Her words here should show you that she is still in the FOG. Also my guess is there is more to this than the phone games and you just haven't found out about it yet. Whether it was physical or not your wife had an EA with soemone for the better part of 6 years. This was a LTA, long term affair. If it never turned physical then great but either way she had an affair and you can't take it lightly. The feelings don't turn off overnight.
I told her that that is what a classic EA is, and that is why we need to fix this.
Stop giving her the answers. Ask questions and listen to the responses. If you keep answering for her she has no need to tell you the truth or the extent of the A. You will likely be getting TT for awhile. 6 years is a long time. Let her talk and you can then beign to fillin blanks. You said your GUT was tellign you soemthign then i guarantee that as tiem goes on you will begin to remember wierd little things and you can put 2 and 2 together. Right now she is going to try to save face as much as possible.

Real fork in the road here, god I pray for us that she takes the right path.
You have to guide her alogn the right path initially then she has to want to do the work. You also need to work on whatever issues you may have in the marriage. Take care of yourself.


As far as telling his wife, the coming days will decide that. I’m thinking of holding that info, to help them have incentive to do the right thing.
Flawed logic. They are incapable of doing the right thing while in the FOG. Tell asap. The longer you wait the more time they have to go underground and gaslight the other spouse. the other spouse is yoru ally in keep them apart.

If she fails, this situation will go Nuclear, moving more and more to the anger stage.

She already failed by having the A. You have to be proactive. Exposure shines a light on this mess and destroys the fantasy.


I am not trying to be harsh and neither is anyone else. Your wife does not sound very remorseful and her story doesn't really add up considering it's been 6 years. You have to assume everything she tells you for the forseeable future is a half truth or flat out lie. She is the enemy until you work this out completely. As faithfulfool stated you need some perspective. You do have problems in your M and you need to get working on them asap.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:38 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

. I asked her if she could let me know of all contact she has with him going forward. (Hard Part) The look in here eye, she hesitated (thinking of the ramifications?) she told me that it would be hard, that they were close friends and share a lot between each other
Right there^^^is her admission that this is more than friends. Be prepare to find out that there's been more inappropriate behavior from the past. Check her phone records on line and see if they been texting a lot or sending each other pics. You need to dig some more. Check her email. Right now they're in damage control. My advise is demand NC and to tell the OM wife.

Posts: 1539 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

Do not send OM's wife a note. Call her. He knows you know. He is watching his wife's email,her facebook,the mail right now watching for you to contact her,so he can intercept the message. Just call her and tell her you have proof. He may already be gaslighting his wife in anticipation that you will tell her something. But if you tell her you have proof,that will get her attention.

And I think she slipped up big time. She told you that telling his wife would cause devastation. if this was "just a friendship that got too close"..what is there to be devastated over? She confirmed the affair.

All they have done is take this underground. Look for a secret cell. Telling his wife will mean there's another set of eyes on them.

And,Im sorry,but why is she allowed to have any contact with this man?? They both have proven they can't be trusted,so taking their word on keeping it appropriate is wishful thinking on your part. This has been a "close friendship" for 6 years. This is a LTA.

Also,telling his wife might mean she can gather her own evidence so you will have a clearer picture here of what's been going on.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:47 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7321 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

The comment your WW made to the OM on her chat with raised a big flag.
She made several over the line comments, they were talking about if/when/how to delete old games, and MY wife said "we don't need to worry about that yet :)
Just assuming here.....it's almost like they had previously been busted before and communicating through the chat feature is their underground MO now!!! You need to talk to the OM's wife now! Do not tell anybody your doing this!!

Posts: 1539 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
wonderpets
Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

Everybody seems to be on track here.

Most important thing- You cannot trust her. Don't tell her things ahead of time.

For example, by now there may be a good cover story about how you are going through a tough time and seeing things that aren't really there. You never know what this guy could tell his wife with time to prepare.


Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2012
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

Thanks everyone, this is surreal, I see all the stories, I see all the progressions, hard to think this is happening to me.

I knew they played the game, I just didn’t understand the level of emotional connection they were making. I had access to games going back months, my wife assumed it was confidential, and so if there was anything physical going on it would have been mentioned or brought up. This I am sure of.

When we talked about her phone call to him (Monday) and what they discussed, I asked her how long the call was, and she said she didn’t know. Well Phone records show it 34 fucking min. long.

I was across the street watching the Sunday night football game; she came over at half time. There were 7 sent/received texts between them between 9:00 and 9:30 before she got there, wonder what they were about.

All other texting and phone calls or minimal, I guess because they had their special place to chat.
I guess she does not realize yet that I can look at her phone records.

The emotions she was feeling this morning let me know a lot about the emotional level this was at.

I starting to agree the going cold turkey for her might be hard.


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
jtom
Member
Member # 35322
Suspicious  Posted: 10:41 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

Hey guy I know how you feel.My ex had been involved in a 7 year physical affair before I finally listened to my gut an found out. You need to do everything you can to see if the affair did get physical. You dont want to here this but it probably did. Install a keylogger an think about a gps for her car. Personally I would look a little while longer until I found out if the affair was physical or not on whether to tell the OM wife. But once you do find out either way by all means tell.


ME(BH)HER(WW)LTA AT WORK.DISCOVERED AUGUST 2010. TWO SONS.DIVORCED HER. "THE BEST PREDICTER OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR"

Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: somewhere in texas
Long Gone
Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

Overcoming....

They had 6 years.....think about it....a lot can happen in 6 years.

Do what you have to do....but tell the OMs wife in person. My fwws OM hid all avenues of contact...mail, phone, internet....


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 766 | Registered: Jun 2011
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)

Get in her phone and read those texts. Not. Kidding.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6360 | Registered: Jan 2011
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)

They want to snow you, and make sure you don't tell his wife. They are talking behind your back to plan how to continue.

Your wife isn't ready to give up her "fix" with OM. Remember there can't be three in a M. She can't have time to decide if she will end her "friendship". She admitted it crossed the line, hence it ends....period. They don't deserve to continue to enjoy the friendship.

Your wife's responses have all been about the OM, his wife finding out, how much you know, etc. Where are her reassurances of her love for you. Where is her concern for your pain? Where is her desire to save the M?

Be strong, and challenge her with these questions. Don't do all the work attempting to move forward. She isn't on board yet. She has to want your M....to have that she must give up OM.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2941 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
my3threekids
Member
Member # 13103
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)

She is a very strong willed person, so she does tend to dominate our relationship especially in verbal communication,

This jumped out at me. Some women lose respect for a man that allows her to dominate him. Often times men will give in or keep quiet about issues in a marriage to avoid conflict. Although his intentions are good by having a desire to keep the peace, it will backfire because it causes her to lose sexual attraction. Not standing up for yourself gives the impression of weakness. Most women do not find weak men sexually attractive. If she perceives you as weak, and the OM as assertive & strong, then you have big problems. I suspect that you only have the tip of the iceberg.

Being nice, accomodating and understanding will only feed into her perception that you are weak and that she can control & dominate you. Now is the time for you to stand up for yourself. Your feelings matter. You are hurt, confused and afraid...and she is concerned about losing a "friendship". That's not right, and you shouldn't stand for that.You need to set clear boundaries, and consequences, and stick to them. Verify her stories, check her phone and make sure that she knows, with 100% certainty that you will not tolerate this in your marriage. Rememeber, she is used to you backing down and getting her way. She won't take you seriously at first, so you need to have clear consequences that she can actually feel, in order to show her that she no longer has all the power in your relationship.

If she has been dominating the marriage for years, she probably feels that she is in total control of the relationship. She knows that you will believe her, she knows that you aren't leaving and she thinks you can be manipulated. She can minimize and lie to you because she knows you will believe her...and she also knows that if you don't believe her, you will stuff your feelings and carry on as usual.

The entire dynamic in your marriage needs to change.


Me: 35
Him: 38
Married 17 years
Together 21 Years
3 kids together
Son-16, Daughter-9, Son-8 ONS D-Day: 12/30/06

The flames are all gone, but the pain lingers on. - Pink Floyd

GO RAVENS!


Posts: 1504 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Charm City
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)

The games and the other stuff, all just cover for the true affair that goes on in secret, the "just friends" is that as well, and what you are describing sounds classic.

You have gotten a lot of good advice about exposing the affair.

Affairs are like mold in the walls of your house. Keep the sunshine out, let the secrecy go on, it will destroy the house, it will destroy the marriage.

Your job is not to attack your wife, or the OM, it is to attack the secrecy.

You want to be a good husband, then be one, you do that by letting the sun shine in full force.

Destroy the secrecy.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)

Just want to let you know, I hear you. Since this AM when I asked her to let me know if there was any contact, I see that she texted him twice and his response, I guess to setup there 21 min. call at lunch time.

Be interesting to see if she lets me know this. Anyone want to bet. How about the texts think there still there? I already know, will pick up a VAR on the way home, looking into phone key logger, need to check her phone for compatibility first.

Need to see how deep this rabbit hole goes.

Problem is that if she does not tell me about the contact, I’m not sure I would be able to hold it in.


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)

Hey, how do you turn off the email notifications that I get when I or someone posts. Did not see a option in my profile.


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)

I may have missed it but have you told the OM spouse yet? From your last post it seems they are still in contact so you need to tell the other spouse asap. She deserves to know and guess what she may actually have some information to share with you. If you have a gut feeling she may have them as well and can fill in some blanks for you.

Whatever you do do not give up your source for information to your W. Once she figures out how you are keeping tabs they will find other ways around it. you don't have to tell her how you found out. Just tell her you know she talked to him again. She will drill you for how you know but turn this back around and ask why she lied about the contact.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
32mor
Member
Member # 35105
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)

This is going to be the hardest thing ever, to look her square in the face and ask her if she's been in contact with him and she says no. The anger is going to overwhelm you and you are so going to want to throw it in her face.

I can't tell you how important this is....you CANNOT share your sources, do not tell her!

Even after I thought we were R I told her how I was tracking her and removed the spyware and keyloggers, only to find out she was at it again. You will be back to square one and even further behind. You have valuable information, I'm telling you man, bite your tongue and do not share that you know she is lying to your face.


Me: 41 BH
Her: 39 WW
Married 8 yrs, together 12
Two kids: 8 & 5
D-Day: 1/2012
A ended: 6/2012
False R and WW broke NC: 7/2012
D: 8/2012

You can't change the past.
Stop living in it.


Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Michigan
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)

You have to get a hold of those texts!! Is there a chance that the OM might still have them? From what you've written, it would seem that your WW is more invested in this "friendship" than he is. Maybe another talk with him might get you some answers.

Posts: 1539 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)

Here's another thought......if this OM is such a close friend, as she claims, then I'm pretty sure she has confided in him of inappropriate behavior with others. I've seen this scenario play out here more than I can count!!!
That might be the reason for all the current communications.

I believe the OM is your best source to get the info you need. You've got the power now to make him tell you!

eta: I would bluff the shit out him and make him believe you know more than you do to make squirm and come clean.

[This message edited by toby at 4:16 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1539 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Angelstar5
Member
Member # 35276
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)

you can start a new post and title it 'MOD PLEASE" they will pm you to ask about email notifications. I didnt know we had email not. here.

anyway, good Lord you have a lot on your plate.

first let me address the "budding EA" crap. I can agree with you that EA's can be more one sided. My WH had a fairly one sided EA with a woman at work, even had dinner with her a couple of times (with others present)..I confronted him and called her immediatly after finding dozens and dozens of texts and calls (even on xmas day, he text her a dozen times)..She is ill, and probably dying now, so he kept telling me he felt sorry for her and was just a friend...but she told me her husband left her for another woman and it bothered her that he kept calling her, but since they worked together she didnt know how to tell him to back off. I had no problem telling her. She even transfered departments to get away from him. However this doesnt sound like your issue.

She flirts, he listens..i dunno. YOur only getting the chat log off that one game. They live near each other, are you sure there aren't face to face meetings?

I can't agree with some that she's for sure sleeping with him, but i can add that if she isn't now she will probably in the future unless its nipped in the buttocks.

Yes i agree tell his wife. Two pairs of eyes are better than one, and i'm sure if you explain to his wife that you asked them to stop speaking to each other and they won't she probably can get him too. I have a feeling he isn't that invested in your WW.

You guys need MC, but more importantly you need IC and to see a lawyer. The moment my WH knew i was seeing a lawyer (for our post nuptual agreement) he freaked and i learned more then that i cared to know. I also did not like his response to wanting a polygraph..he finally agreed to it, but got angry about it..said he was scared that it would show he was lying when he wasnt (which can be a valid point)..i decided then that I didnt want to know if there were more women than i knew about..3 different women were enough to deal with. With my post nuptual agreement in place, well..lets just say, go for it buddy....I'd be more financially stable without you and if your gonna cheat, way more emotionally stable too.

You have to demand NO CONTACT immediately and be prepared to give her a deal breaker..whether its she leave the home, or what ever you decide is best for you. There can be no more "team sports" that just include her alone. This might be hard, but between you and the MOM's wife you can probably come up with something....

MC is a must i suppose. I'm not the best at giving advise, this is just stuff i would have done (however, hookers significant others don't often care that your husband is sleeping with thier whores..so mine is a different story lol)

Good luck hun, I'm glad you found us but sorry you are having to be here at all.


Me 47,WH 46 alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs

Posts: 753 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Fort Worth TX
hailstormer
Member
Member # 35873
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)

Keep your eyes WIDE OPEN. As you have seen most of us have been thur the same things and heard the same stories. We all believed them and then found out most were lies.
In my case YES WS's phone easily accessible but then months later I caught him with a secret phone just for both of them.
I have been with my spouse for 18 years and it was amazing how he could look me right in the eyes and have me believe everything he was saying.
Once you find 1 or 2 mistakes you will see they always try and re-assure you that everything is ok but then when you turn around is when the deceit happens
It would be wonderful if what she is telling you is true but don't hesitate for a moment to secretly question anything she says to you. There are lots of ways to check (as you have seen already) if they are lying to you. I would wonder why she cares so much about the OP spouse finding out should she not worry about what your going thru right now instead?
Remember keep your eyes wide open you might be surprised like the rest of us that a lot of what you WANT to believe they are telling you is BS
"Just Friends" is the biggest one!
This site will really help and support you!


me(BS)-55
him(WS)-53
together 21 years
1st D-Day 4-19-10
2nd D-Day 5-3-12
married 19 years
2 kids 13-twins
Unfortunately...divorcing

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Florida
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)

Hey, how do you turn off the email notifications that I get when I or someone posts. Did not see a option in my profile

You are only given that option when you first start a new thread. We're not able to shut it off. When you start your next thread you'll be given the option again


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36981 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Happy  Posted: 7:48 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)

Hailstormer, thanks for that I hope balanced post, yesterday I was in a very bad place thinking of all the possibilities and what if’s. Your mind can sometimes build shit out of nothing.

I know the stuff I’m posting is true, but I may be leaving out some collateral details on how she is feeling. I guess I’m judging her based on worst case, and I’m not sure that’s fair.

Lots to consider never thought I was naive; I have known about their friendship all along and they have never tried to hide it. I have been keeping an eye (behind the scenes) on their online interactions on and off for years, and can say he would never hit the top 15 in her texts or calls.

Anyway, last night
I got home, her phone was charging in the kitchen, we were taking our daughter to her evening activity and running over to the hardware store for some things.

She had to run up stairs for one of the kids, I checked her phone, and his call log and texts were still there (+1)

We left, dropped or daughter off, and headed to the store, I asked her about her reaction this AM when I asked her to let me know when she contacts him. She said she didn't like to feel like she was being monitored, but understood my need to feel safe. (+1)

She then without me asking said that she had called him today and that she texted him first to see if he could talk (he was at work) (+100)

I asked why she called, and she said she wanted to know how he felt about our conversation last night. (-5) She said he felt much better, and didn’t know if he should have approached me, and that he was sorry for bring pain to our marriage.

I thanked her for her honesty, and told her that I was sure that was hard for her to tell me, but I was very happy that she did.

We talked some more in the parking lot, I asked her if for the time being she would not delete any texts, so I could feel safe, she said she would do this for me.

We talked about her being too emotionally involved with him, and that we need to find a way to get reconnected. SHE mentioned attending a couple’s communication class. By the way she brought this class up a while ago for us but I put it off, and to be fair she has suggested other types of class for couples over the past several years. Looking back that was a big missed sign on my part, when you spouse suggest programs to strengthen you marriage run, don’t walk with them to that opportunity.

I also talked about how I am so outgoing at work with everyone, but when I get around her I tend to shut down, (due to her dominance) and we need to address this.

BTW this situation has me in the power position; she is not used to this dynamic.

Got home, I downloaded “Not Just Friends” on her tablet and started reading while she was changing and getting kido’s settled.

When she came down I had her read a few paragraphs of the first chapter, It talked about how good friends can be in a EA and not even know it. How they can interact in public and no one else would know, as they themselves are not even aware. But if there interaction was observed by the other spouse that the other spouse would instantly see the signs.

Boy did that hit home; I told her that was exactly how I felt 6 years ago and continue to.

She and I will be reading that book

She has shown remorse, but mostly for how it hurt me. Which would make since if she didn’t think she was in a EA.

We ended the night with what you guys on here call a little HB  and fell asleep spooning like we do every night.

So where am I today?
I am in a much better place than yesterday, we both know the path we need to take and have talked about doing it together.

She is coming to grips (I hope) with the fact that her emotional interaction with him should be focused at us.

I truly believe that she did not know the dynamic of their friendship. I saw above about it sometimes being a one sided EA; I think this is the case here. Hopefully reading “Not just Friends” will open her eyes some more.

Facts that I know are true:
-She and I have been friends with him for 6+ years

-Her online / phone interaction which was being checked has not been a concern for all these years, until 3 months ago.

-They do not behave differently from when I am with them vs. viewing from afar

-I had all access to their (secret) communications for the past 3 months and 99.9% of it sounds like a normal friendship, only a few suggestive comments by my wife that the other guy either did not pick up on or did not bite. He actually said something to this effect when I talked to him; he said he can be dense sometimes to stuff like that, and he didn’t pick up or bite on any of it because he viewed her as a friend.

Things that I now believe:

She recently escalated her emotional friendship with him, and she knows this, she seems scared to admit it to herself.

So what do I plan to do, because I am in a much safer place, I’m going to try to stay here and work with my wife at rebuilding our relationship.

But as President Reagan once said, “Trust but verify” I will (have already started) implementing some aggressive monitoring of her. I pray that I am not back on here in the future, other than to help others, but I will not stick my head in the sand, nor will I allow her to.

On the +side, I am down 10 pounds, but didn’t really need to lose any, Hoping to have Thanksgiving dinner.

[This message edited by Overcomming at 7:52 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
wewillmakeit
Member
Member # 26290
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)

" Trust but verify" Exactly!

GET A KEYLOGGER


Posts: 262 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
hailstormer
Member
Member # 35873
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)

Kudos to you
Hope yu have a GREAT Thanksgiving. I am dying to read that book just heard about it recently.
I wish in my situation I would have found out or figured out sooner and maybe I could have saved my marriage.
If given another chance it would be 1000% different than before on his and my side.
Maybe your wake up call is your lifesaver
Good Luck!


me(BS)-55
him(WS)-53
together 21 years
1st D-Day 4-19-10
2nd D-Day 5-3-12
married 19 years
2 kids 13-twins
Unfortunately...divorcing

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Florida
MeanBean
New Member
Member # 36375
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, November 22nd (Thursday)

For the sake of your marriage, Tell the OMW about the EA. Your are doing a half a$$ job of exposing the affair. So now expect half A$$ results of reconciliation. If you where in the OMW shoes wouldn't you want to know??? As long as you don't tell the OMW, you are protecting their affair. You are monitoring your wifes actions but who is checking down on the OM?? Nobody, because you're not saying anything.

[This message edited by MeanBean at 2:59 AM, November 22nd (Thursday)]


Me BH:36
Ex W:33
Married 7 years/Dated 3 years
DDay1:October 12 2011
DDay2:November 3 2011

Posts: 36 | Registered: Aug 2012
ming56
Member
Member # 19505
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, November 22nd (Thursday)

You sound a lot like I did when I first joined. Yes my wife was in an EA, but she was not aware of how deep it had gotten, and I tried very hard to believe her and defended her actions when others called foul. The one thing I did that was right was to continue searching and verifying information, and it was good I did because the EA just escalated until ten months after I first confronted her about inappropriate text messages it finally ended when I stopped walking on egg shells and demanded it end.

Your resistance to telling his wife or allowing yourself to believe your wife is shading the truth to protect her relationship with this other man is clear from your writing, so it is obvious you are not going to demand NC at this time, while trying to put a positive spin on things based on what she tells you, and who can blame you? That is an honorable thing to do as the partner who did not betray the marriage, but as all those who have been there before will tell you, it is not the best course of action right now. So even if you wont at this point make demands, please dont stop checking up on her. She apparently is still in the fog of the EA, and all these people trying to help you here know exactly how that goes.

Infidelity is one of those situations you are never prepared for. Like you I tried to be a decent person and restricted my reactions based on decorum that was legitimate and just in a normal situation, but in hindsight I recognize as not constructive to ending the EA and in fact the exact opposite. It is hard to accept in one you should be able to trust, but she is not rational when it comes to her "friendship." That relationship gives her a charge and a boost in self-esteem that makes her act inapprorpriately and it is undermining your marriage. It is a sad fact of human nature that she is not going to surrender this relationship and those feeling unless forced to. This is war and at stake is your marriage. I always have been an honorable person, but until I acted like I had nothing to lose, and let her know she had everything to lose, things did not really change, they just became more covert. In your present mind set that makes no sense, but all these people with shared experiences are trying to give you the benefit of their wisdom and experience. Please consider the advice you are getting carefully and allow yourself to think outside of the box. You are thinking rationally, she is not. To win this war you have to be able to fully understand the difference, and that means speaking the language she will understand.

If it helps any, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My wife is four years removed from the EA, and in that time she has done the hard work to understand the antecedents of her behavior and change them. She still does not like to talk about that time because it resurect the shame she felt that caused and perpetuated the dishonest behavior, but she clearly recognizes and states she was crazy at the time. The quicker you act to end this nightmare proactively, the better your chances of having a good outcome. If you cant bring yourself to "be the bad guy" for yourself, do it for her. It is not possible to make responsible decisions while in the fog, and she really needs your help right now.


Posts: 305 | Registered: May 2008 | From: east coast
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, November 22nd (Thursday)

Listen to Ming56.....your WW has been in EA for years and only recently started to "test the waters" to take it to a new level. In her mind, this is a long time affair, not a short lived infatuation. Demand full No Contact!!!! This is a must, for her feelings for the OM to subside. Tell the OM's wife also! She'll demand the same from her WH. This will kill the "friendship".......a consequence of their betrayals.
Trust us on this.......if she continues the contact, the affairs continues also and you'll be right back where you started.

Eta: Forgot to say...Keep posting!!! Nobody here will say "we told you so" We're here to help!!! We've been down this road....we know where all the hazards are.

[This message edited by toby at 7:49 AM, November 22nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 1539 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
lm2024
Member
Member # 34759
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, November 22nd (Thursday)


Posts: 259 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Heartland
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, December 7th (Friday)

Well I’m back, good and bad news. I had asked my wife to let me know when she contacted him and she agreed.

Well the if you remember a day later she called him to see how our meeting was and told me, I could see this on her phone (online record) 20 min.

A few days later from a previous post, I asked that she did not delete anything, if it’s just a friendship. I had been looking at her online phone bill, but she did not know.

Last weekend on her way home from work she texted him 7 times and he responded 5 times. When she got home, she told me she texted him on the way out of work to let him know that he needed to close a game down on his side for it to be deleted.

Well I checked her messages and there were only two one from her and him about this, but the others were deleted, “violation”. I heard most of the other texts thanks to a VAR, just talking.

Confront her that night about deleting stuff; unfortunately let her know I have access to phone logs.
Lots of more pain, she said beforehand that she may have deleted some so I would not feel bad.

I explained to her that I do not care what they say at this point, that all I what is that truth, that her deleting stuff hurt more than anything.
OK, now for last Friday night, like I said before I have her on a lock down VAR, phone hacked, key logger etc. Both of them are not very computer literate, were as I could run a IT department.

Well I’m checking the computer and I find this on her face book messaging, they went from the games chat, to texting, now to Facebook messaging’s, All her messages outgoing.

"Oh bummer. I'm sure it was fun hanging out with the guys. You were right about &&& checking the cell phone account, I couldn't believe it. Thank goodness I told him Sat that I had texted you about the games I know he looked at my phone to see the texts but I had deleted them except for the first 2. So, he noticed that more were on the account than what I had on the phone. So that led to some issues again. I didn't even know he would know how to go into account."

"Luckily, the last couple days he's been worrying about me dying so he's settled down. :) "

"alled you from work Sunday night to let you know that but I didn't want to bother you. I know. I told him that I'm not going to stop talking to you but he just asked for me to let- him know when I do,. So, that being said, assuming I don't leave my FB account up, when I delete this conversation, it will be gone? "

So now she is talking about me behind my back to him.

I emailed her this mess
age at work.

"Talking about me behind my back with him, can’t wait to see him and know that he knows that he has this secret information between him and my wife. My friendship with him is over, not sure how to face him now."


"I see / saw everything, that’s why I hurt, my wife lying to my face, not going to do this, either you’re in your out. "

"Make a choice so we can move on either together or apart. "

"Were at the fourth of fifth fork in the road, so far you have taken the wrong path each time."

"The hurt in me watching you do this is by far well beyond describing."


"I sit here in total pain. As I type this tears streaming down my face wondering where the ###### that I married is."


Now the good news????????????
We had our outing that Saturday, I asked her why she did not show any emotion or tears like me, she let loose like I have never seen her, she was so upset about how I was feeling, She said that although she did not remember committing to not deleting stuff, she will from this point. Lots of shearing, lots of tears. We made a emotional bond that day that was really missing. She has printed poems sense and has been nice because I was really screwed up in the head.
I HEAR YOU, no I have not told the other guys wife, all evidence is that they were on a slippery slope and I couth them, granted her actions after the fact hurt more than any of the initial stuff I can see.

I will monitor, will not confront on any findings initially, will simply call and present my gatherings to the other guys wife.

God I hope it does not come to that, last weekend we had a break though, I was ready to leave, she could see it, called her out about what she what’d. I feel safe for now, but worried about weeks, months ahead when everything settles down.


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, December 7th (Friday)

Hey I hear you guys coming on telling the other guys wife, I know they were at the slope of the slippery slope. If she pulls back like she has for the last week and continues, great, but my eyes are on target. Next fuckup and it’s all on the table, and she knows that.
I told her I don’t have to make the decision to tell her, that it was she who would make that decision.

God, the pain, please remember the pain, when people first come here, they are so lost and don’t know water is wet, you can tell them something that does not register.

That being said, you guys rock.


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
jimbo25319
Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, December 8th (Saturday)

2X4 coming, get ready:
This will continue on until you finally do two things:
1. Demand NO CONTACT. Zip, zero, nada
2. Inform the OM spouse what her WH has been going on

Your WW's fogginess will return and she will go further underground with her EA.

YOU need to dictate the terms for R. It's not open for negotiation. She can either be 100% on board, or she can go.


Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, December 8th (Saturday)

This will continue on until you finally do two things:
1. Demand NO CONTACT. Zip, zero, nada
2. Inform the OM spouse what her WH has been going on
Jimbo right!!! It ends when you say it ends!!

Posts: 1539 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, December 8th (Saturday)

Do you want to save your marriage?

If so, then you must take decisive action.

Your wife IS having an affair. It does not matter what type.

You don't need to catch her at anything more.

You are asking and talking to the OM, he is your worst resource.

His wife is a duly concerned party.

She has lied to you and concealed her involvement.

Tears, promises, poems, sex, all mean nothing.

What matters is what we do.

Tell his wife.
Don't tell him that you are.
Don't tell her that you are.
Tell her everything that you know, hold nothing back.

Then let come what may.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, December 8th (Saturday)

OC--I am a mom of 3 boys that are very involved in sports. I have never had their coach's private phone numbers, much less played FaceBook games with them. Even the coaches that were *friends* of our family....I had their wives phone numbers, not theirs.

So, that being said, assuming I don't leave my FB account up, when I delete this conversation, it will be gone?

I am going to piss all over the party that you are trying (hoping) to have. Your WW is MOST LIKELY having an affair with this guy....not just an EA, either.

CALL HIS WIFE. I am a *gaslighting* veteran. Your WW is gaslighting you like something fierce.

she said she wanted to know how he felt about our conversation last night.

And ^^this^^ matters...why??? Who gives a shit how *he* feels about a conversation?

I saw above about it sometimes being a one sided EA; I think this is the case here

No. It isn't one-sided. What is it exactly that makes you believe that?

she may have deleted some so I would not feel bad

Bull-fucking-shit. She deleted some so that you couldn't read them.

And here is the mother-lode:

"Oh bummer. I'm sure it was fun hanging out with the guys. You were right about &&& checking the cell phone account, I couldn't believe it. Thank goodness I told him Sat that I had texted you about the games I know he looked at my phone to see the texts but I had deleted them except for the first 2. So, he noticed that more were on the account than what I had on the phone. So that led to some issues again. I didn't even know he would know how to go into account."

"Luckily, the last couple days he's been worrying about me dying so he's settled down. :) "

How did you feel when you read ^^that^^? You have a SERIOUS PROBLEM on your hands, my friend.

Advice time: You do not have the luxury of believing that you and your WW are on the *same* team. She is quite obviously, to me anyway, NOT on team*OC*. She is talking ABOUT you, her husband....to this douchebag OM. And it is really not too flattering. I really have no compass on whether her dealings with CoachBoy have moved past EA and into PA territory......all I know is that the way that she talks about you is highly disloyal and disrespectful.

Dude. It is time to shake her world up. Don't sit back and let her disrespect you like that. It is time to draw a hard line in the sand.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, December 8th (Saturday)

And you do know that there are companies that have products that allow you to *recover* deleted texts, right? Google it. *mutterBricksomethingmutter*.

Here's another *trick/consequence* to keep in your back pocket. A poly. When/If you reach a stalemate with your *it's all innocent* WW...pull that card out of your pocket and play it.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, December 8th (Saturday)

Hi :)

I'm going to try and keep this short

1. You need to install spyware on her ph to see the text messages.

2. You need all passwords and if you haven't got it... Key logger

3. MOST important. NC!

From what appeared to be a one sided EA now is getting scarier and scarier.

Imformation can e scary but is your friend. All of this gas lighting your spouse is doing is really bad. Furthermore! The emotional pity me crap is just that.

I know it sounds harsh, but yeah... Information is your weapon, waywards will use anything they can to get you off the scent. You are worth far more than that!


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
kannan
Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, December 9th (Sunday)

Many marriages which can be recovered dies due to the passiveness, in activeness and fear from BSs.
They are afraid to expose, they are afraid to put their legs down and say enough is enough no more disrespect and lies, They are afraid to let them go, They afraid of asking their cheater spouse to go NC on the spot, They are afraid to do anything other than crying in front of WSs and begging for staying. They are afraid to take what they serve with a salt of grain even after knowing what they are serving is lies, diciest and disrespect.

They are afraid to even tell the OMW/H, who can only be a trusted ally in their recovery of marriage.
Your wife dont want you to tell OMW do you know why because she knows OM will dump your wife under the bus to save his ass and marriage.

Why she couldn't/didn't dump the OM under the bus do when you caught her or she realized she crossed the line because she don't give a shit about your emotions. because she know you can be blindsided easily (she did the same for 6 fuking yrs), because she know you wont do any thing.
You allowed your wife to walk over you with her lies and A behind your back. You allowed her to disrespect you by allowing her to discuss about you to OM on your back.
You still believe its an EA, know one thing EAs are more dangerous to a marriage than PAs. Dont sit Idle by having the fantasy that they will end it one day.
Your wife is n a long term relationship with OM, they may have been banging each other on your back for yrs, may be they stopped it for a while, may be it is an on and off affair.

Your wife is in damage control and minimizing and gas lighting at least realize that. She is not remorseful or on her knees begging for R or forgiveness, she didn't own up anything other than she crossed the line.

When you are going to expose to OMW? She too deserve truth, Dont she?

When you are going to say OM or you not both? When you are going to say no more contact with her A partner (He is her Affair partner not the friend she had, When you are going to realize that). You confronted OM and they laughed about it on your back. Tooo much man.

Take your head out of your ass and man up, you seems more in the fog and fantasy world than your BS.

We are not your enemies, we too are people who was cheated, who went through the same pain. Many of us may have did faaar better if we got a support like you are getting now. We made many mistakes you are making now, we dont want another BS making the same mistake.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
hailstormer
Member
Member # 35873
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, December 10th (Monday)

Those are exactly my words everyone is telling you since you came back
NC!!! with OP I had an agreement with my WS because they worked together and he promised and then I caught them again.
The other is what Kannan said tell the OMW you gave her a chance to make good and she keeps breaking your trust and I myself know from experience it is the hardest thing to do cause you think it will damage your relationship more BUT the OPW has a right to know too
Think about it that was you and you knew nothing wouldn't you want someone to tell you and maybe her finding out and discussing this with her WS maybe that will take time away from him pursuing your spouse. You gave her ample opportunity to back off and she begged you to not tell the OPS well she broke her promise and the OP has a right to know.
In my case my OP swears she has "NO SECRETS" so every opportunity I get to make sure that is true I do and it pisses her off every time. I told her bosses at work her ex and pretty soon her grown children will know how she went after my spouse knowing me my kids and everthing about our marriage.
I am not here to make my OP life easy she declared war and I am in for the full fight!
I ordered the book I spoke to you about just remember what I said Keep your eyes wide open they will speak right to ya but 90% of the time lies come out. It's like they believe it as much as they want you to believe. And on your other note I was and am completely devastated knowing my WS spoke to the OP (whore) about me behind my back and our personal life (including sex life) that is one of the most unforgivable things I will never get over! That was something between him and I that should not have been shared with a company hoe! Like my SIL says
Use your head not your heart!


me(BS)-55
him(WS)-53
together 21 years
1st D-Day 4-19-10
2nd D-Day 5-3-12
married 19 years
2 kids 13-twins
Unfortunately...divorcing

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Florida
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, December 10th (Monday)

I'm a little late to this thread and I'm typing this on my phone. Sorry for the typos.

OC. First off, know that I was you. Our stories are so similar, if we ever meet IRL I'll check you for the other half of this amulet.

I'm five years out from where you are. For more detailed discussions, please PM me and I'll share all I have.

For know, you need to stop sharing your pain with your WW. She isn't safe to share it with her. She'll use it against you and share it with OM. She's only hearing it as whining no matter what she says to your face.

In my case, I asked my fWW to have OM email me so we could talk, but not to tell him what we discussed or what she told me. She did both so he could get his story straight. Later I melted down and bore my soul, telling her how much it hurt to see her texting him and begging her to stop. She promised me she would then sent him an email from an account she didn't know I was monitoring letting him about my pain and instructing to cool things down awhile.

She needs to see you taking positive constructive action to save yourself, then the marriage if she want to tag along. Read up on the 180. It really works.

Get strong. You're in a fight for your life.

When I was at the stage your at know, I did all the wrong things. Listen very carefully to the advise you've given. It's golden (most of it).

No Contact is a must my friend. Anything else simply will not work. As long as she's plugged into aspects of the fantasy, she'll always see you as the humdrum reality she's escaping.

We're here for you.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 622 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
tired_and_broken
Member
Member # 34226
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, December 10th (Monday)

Brother, I don't want to be yet another person slamming you with a two by four, but BELIEVE ME!!!

Your wife is having an affair with this punk. They both know that you know about it and are MOCKING you behind your back. Her TEARS are more from being CAUGHT than anything, I can not TELL you the RIVERS of tears my ex-husband cried over the TWO YEARS OF HELL he put me through with a "friend".

I KNOW YOU WANT TO BELIEVE THE BEST... She just shattered your world. But you are giving her WAY too much credit and leeway and everyone here is completely spot on.

1. TELL THE OTHER WIFE
2. SPYWARE EVERYWHERE (don't think for one minute that they won't get another phone or way to communicate because they will)
3. DEMAND NO CONTACT.
4. Follow her.

Sounds harsh, but while my husband claimed no contact was happening, he was meeting her every single day at lunch at a park so they could make out in the parked car. Like you, I never imagined it would happen to me. And it did.

Sadly it becomes a game for these cheaters... they become quite addicted to the thrill of the sneaking around. By not completely following through and monitoring EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE you just make it more fun for them.

I'm so terribly sorry for your pain.


Divorced 04/12/12
I am FREE!



Posts: 641 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Was in Florida/Now in Texas
justastatistic
New Member
Member # 36314
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, December 19th (Wednesday)

I wasn't going to reply to your post as I thought the responses to your first posts were too harsh towards your wife. You admitted yourself that your wife and this guy were friends, and married people are allowed to be friends with members of the opposite sex, albeit with boundaries. But as your posts have progressed, I'm starting to side with everyone else.

And now I'm starting to think you're delusional.

Gonnabe's post is right on target. Somehow you read that communication and still think they aren't cheating. I wouldn't draw that conclusion. They are obviously discussing whether you were checking up on them, which means they were probably discussing ways to hide their communications. I think you have some bad times coming.

I would expose, personally.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Jul 2012
rivenheart
Member
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, December 19th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry, overcomming. There are red flags ALL OVER this story. I'm afraid you haven't uncovered everything yet.

Everyone who is urging complete NC as a pre-requisite for healing the damage in your M is correct. It'll suck and be awkward for her. Oh, well. She put the two of you in that position, not you. It's a price she should be willing to pay to shield you from further pain, and in order to repair the damage she's done.

As for disclosing to OM's BW, I think it should definitely be done, for all the reasons people here have suggested. Two pairs of BS eyes watching two waywards is better than one.

Hang in there, take it day by day, and keep reading and posting here. SI really is an amazing font of collective wisdom and support.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, December 19th (Wednesday)

Thanks everyone for your replies, been an up and down month.

Things have been good, or I am lost. She did email mail him about a coupon savings idea for our kids for their activity about 2 days after last contact.

She let me know and did not delete it.

He has not responded back, in over a week+.

We had conflicting kids’ activities last Monday night and had to drop our son off at the one he’s at, when we came back to pick him up, I went in and she decided to follow. We said hi and chatted with a few people, he was there cleaning up. She or I did not say anything to him. WOW that was awkward.


I asked later if they had any contact with him in the past 2 weeks other than that email that she sent him a week and ½ ago, she said no. She asked if I deleted it somehow, or talked to him. I said no (truth).


I guess he has figured out that I could shake up his life, and his getting out of dodge for now. All 8 of the last 8 communications from confrontation have been imitated by her, going back a month I told her she is acting pathetic.

After the last communication, I told her again that I have everything, games, chats, phone logs, our confrontation recorded. She did not even know what a screen shot was.

I know most everyone here has had much worse happen to them. I know she was in a friendship that got to close, emotions were there, they were getting off the “just good friends”, and on that slippery slope. I caught them (I know for sure) before anything physical happened.

I just need her to see where she was at, admit it to herself and move forward.

So, it’s a level week +, no contact, this verified and believed, before she would tell me about any contact, but leave things out. Now that I can see everything, I can believe.

She still has it in her mind as just a good friendship, I pointed out that it was she that said it was inappropriate; it was she that said she would not delete stuff and did twice, that it was she that said to another married man that she would lie to me to communicate with him.

This embarrassed her, she does not know where she’s at, told her to read the book “not just friends” on our tablet. One month, still has not read, I guess does not want to see the reality of our situation. Told her, read it or I am out of here next year.
Sent her this link this AM

http://www.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Your-Spouse%27s-Trust-After-an-Affair

Like I said, I can see / hear just about everything, phone, computers, cell, VAR and there has been nothing.

A new personal best for me
was I was able to hack her work email from off site, there side was semi secure; wow I was SO SURE I would see something, but nothing, great sign.

Holidays upon us lots of visitors from out of state.

Current Plan, hide, look, listen. If it dies great, if not BOOM, I’m out no middle ground with me right now.

Thanks all have a Happy Holiday Season.


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, December 19th (Wednesday)

You can only monitor devices of which you are aware. This is where the OM's wife ( and no, he's not a friend who got too close; he's an affair partner) comes in. She can serve as another set of eyes and ears, and help you ascertain if there really *is* no contact, or if there is evidence of contact on her husband's end (indicating that your wife has perhaps gotten a throwaway phone or has forsaken electronic communication for in-person liaisons.)

I completely understand head-in-the-sand syndrome. But given the messages you've shared here and your chosen interpretation, I am concerned for you.

Why? Because one of the most difficult aspects of infidelity is self-forgiveness--when you are able to accept what really is going on, and realize the ground lost by feverishly working to convince yourself it's naught but a friendship (one that you note, at very first mention pages ago, had your gut screaming SIX years ago)...well, realizing that you've known all along, known when it might have still made a difference, but chose not to face it is HORRENDOUS.

The traumatized mind metes out understanding and acceptance in doses we can tolerate. It becomes our responsibility to be honest with ourselves when it does so. Failing to do so is tremendously harmful -- to YOU. The marriage? There won't be one. Infidelity is NOT a wait-and-see proposition. It's not a let's-see-how-this-unfolds thing. It's NOT an ignore-it-and-it-will-go-away situation. And it's NOT "just a friendship that went too far but is okay now."

I'm really sorry --- truly. I wish it were what you wish it were. But we all know that wishing doesn't make it so. Please, prepare for more.

[This message edited by solus sto at 5:33 PM, December 20th (Thursday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8587 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Long Gone
Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, December 20th (Thursday)

hey....seriously.

Contact the OMs wife....let her know of what you know of...and your concerns.

You want to see a bubble popped? Yeah.....trust me...I lived it.


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 766 | Registered: Jun 2011
lumpygravy
Member
Member # 11877
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, December 20th (Thursday)

You better or I'm gonna...

If this happens again I'm gonna...

You better not do this again or else....

Next year this you better...


Quit giving yourself away.


BS: Me
FWS: Her
M: 17 Years
Daughter: 15
EA
DD: 8/2006
Getting through real recovery.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Aug 2006
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, December 20th (Thursday)

Dude - what lumpy said - !!

If you still have even the slightest inkling (remember back in Nov how you trusted your gut) that your W and this guy are engaged in an inappropriate friendship then end it ...

All this techno-spying and empty threats will end nothing, my friend. If they want to have an A, they will. If you want to blow it up it before it gets out of control (if it hasn't already) then do it.

You told her that you essentially have her wired. That she can't move without you knowing about it. Not so sure, as a partner in a M, that I'd be OK with being monitored 24/7. That if she slips up you'll be out the door in January. What does that even mean anyway?

The guy hasn't contacted her in over a week. REALLY??? How are you so sure?

You were at an event where the guy was cleaning up and you thought it was awkward that the 3 of you were together? Again, why? B/c nobody said anything to one another? IMHO perhaps you should've initiated conversation ... after all, you're still his friend, right?

Until you have a sit down with his W, like everyone here has suggested that you do, then nothing changes. Take control.


Posts: 1940 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, December 20th (Thursday)

She did email mail him about a coupon savings idea for our kids for their activity about 2 days after last contact

Excuse me, but does your WW NOT understand what NC means???? Jeez.Louise!!


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
krisdev
New Member
Member # 22090
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, December 21st (Friday)

She probably has another cell phone. My ex did and I found it hidden in our suburban. Also, since she has a tablet, it's possible she has another secret email account to email him on. OR, possibly a work email. When my ex was cheating with the woman he used to work with all their emails were through their job. However once he got downsized he began communicating through his private email and I found them on his cell phone. She's not being truthful with you. He's only staying away NOW just to ensure that you don't tell his wife.

Don't be like me, I didn't tell her husband and the affair continued, even once the physical part stopped the emotional affair continued for YEARS off and on. Mainly during his birthday and her birthday, then holiday's. Although I will admit, telling her husband (in my case) wouldn't have done any good because HE was cheating and she knew so she was "getting back" at him. This was geesh, 6-8 years ago. I'm no longer with my ex, their emotional affair eventually ended because SHE ended it and he began seeing others. However, I recently found out that HER husband is STILL cheating on her and I'm sure that my ex and her are probably still in contact. Just please, please don't tell her where you got your information from. I NEVER told him. Even when I would find stuff out, I would only confront about the most pressing, I wouldn't tell him about everything I found. That way he became paranoid. Anyway, GL

I truly understand how difficult it is to realize that someone you truly love without conditions would do something so unfeeling to you. They're totally in a fog and are only focused on SELF. When I was going through what I went through it was about 10 years ago and I didn't find out for sure until 2006. By 2008 we agreed he would move out and he moved out in 2009. He now wants to reconcile however, he hasn't changed. By that I mean, he truly is only focused on self.


He taught me so much, self worth.

Posts: 50 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: krisdev
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, December 30th (Sunday)

Overcomming

You think you have your wife on lock down.

But you cannot be everywhere all the time.

Plus that is noway to live.

Go se his wife. Bring some of the evidence.

Let her put her husband on lockdown.

You never said you would not do it.

And if he or his wife calls your wife, wait for her to tell you.

Do not say a word.

Just Do It!

HM64


Posts: 828 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
n0tm3
Member
Member # 37884
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, December 31st (Monday)

I am new to all of this. Just 2 weeks out. I would have her read as much as she can from the point of view of the betrayed. My husband has explainded it to me as a fog. Where he was in a seperate bubble with this ow. There was PC. It does not take much to get there and only one opportunity to really cross the line. They do not know how painful this is for the BS nor for how long. She needs to understand and want to understand if she wants a healthy marriage with you. I am in counseling and we are in MC. You need all of the facts and hit it head on. She needs to undersand how far she may have gone just because her ego was being flattered. It is an answer you can never really know the truth to but if she starts to understand how much she almost betrayed you in her magical bubble she probably would never go there. I have no real advise but the pain I am going through. I have been in contact with both the OW and her H. We are monitoring and cutting off all contact. I really hope that my love and faith in my husband means this is only temporary until the fog lifts. If not this may not be the fight I want. Good luck and you are in my prayers.


Me: BS 45
Him: WH 45
DDay #1: 12/17/12; OW 47 married 23
years
DDay #2 2/1/13 EA 6 years ago for 2 weeks with a married college friend through FB
Married 18 years, together 21 years
3 kids; 7,13,16
R trying IC and MC

Posts: 242 | Registered: Dec 2012
MeanBean
New Member
Member # 36375
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)

By not exposing the affair, you are PROTECTING and ENABLING their affair. You are doing everything but the necessary actions to stop it. Wake the F#$K UP!!!!!

Your worried about your wife keeping secrets from you but you are keeping the secret of the affair from the other mans wife. Hypocrite.

[This message edited by MeanBean at 12:55 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]


Me BH:36
Ex W:33
Married 7 years/Dated 3 years
DDay1:October 12 2011
DDay2:November 3 2011

Posts: 36 | Registered: Aug 2012
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, January 5th (Saturday)

MeanBean inapropriate dude, calm down.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 622 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Red  Posted: 8:55 AM, January 5th (Saturday)

MeanBean, Please review the guidelines and refrain from posting to other members in such an aggressive manner.

FLAMING & ATTACKING: Please refrain from attacking another member, publicly or by using the SI.com Private Message feature. Do not bait or call out others. This includes members and non-members.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44482 | Registered: Sep 2006
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, January 5th (Saturday)

I scanned the whole thread and I think there is one pivotal piece of advice missing:
Get the book “Not just friends” by the late Dr. Shirley Glass.

Dr. Glass is the person that defined the term “emotional affair” and I will make the claim that no book I have read or heard off does as great a job of explaining and defining what an emotional affair really is. There are numerous spouses that have been in EA’s without acknowledging it as an EA that have had their light-chain pulled by reading this book.

To me this is a pivotal issue: Your wife doesn’t necessarily see her actions as wrong. She is changing her behavior to please you, but not because she thinks it crossed any line. If she has her “aha” moment when you two read that book… Well it’s definitely worth the try.

On the NC… Your WW wanting to come in and be around OM (even if not talking to him), her actions of sending the coupon… this is comparable to the recently dry alcoholic that orders a beer simply to have one in his hands, to smell it, to carry it around but with no intention to drink it… Never works. There is always that sip. There is always that sense of sacrifice. Your WW needs to see her actions for what they are and then she won’t want any contact with OM for the REAL reasons – not because she’s sacrificing anything.

And I too think the OMW should be told.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5522 | Registered: Sep 2005
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, January 5th (Saturday)

I really feel like there are things you don't know. I just read the entire thread. You've been concerned about this for 6 years? For a reason. This did not just turn into something recently.

Once busted, she showed where her loyalty lie by talking to him about you. Like he was the one who mattered.

Now, everthing seems so much better. I'm guessing secret cell phone.

Not trying to be rough on you, and if not for the 6 year thing, and her convo with him about what you knew, I might agree that it was an early EA.

But you can't just discount those things. They are hugh red flags.

I don't know if it's an EA or PA or both, but it's something, and I feel like it's been going on for a very long time, and may still be going on.

Have you considered a polygraph to determine the extent of their relationship?

Even if you are totally right, and it was just the beginning of an EA, she is NOT showing the remorse needed for R.

Total NC is a must, as is transparency. Reading Not Just Friends mandatory. Genuine remorse - not there. Trying to make you fee safe - not there. She says the right words but does not follow up with the right actions.

Edited to add, since he and I cross-posted, ANTYTHING Bigger advises you to do is GREAT advice!

[This message edited by sudra at 9:45 AM, January 5th (Saturday)]


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1457 | Registered: Nov 2010
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, January 5th (Saturday)

Thanks everyone for your advice, update as of today is that I believe she has got it. I should say my Gut and monitored Intel tells me this.

Bigger, to your point I have already downloaded the book “Not Just Friends” to our tablet that she uses as an e-reader about 3 days after the initial confrontation. She is I think, no I know, is afraid to read it.

I have read it. In the book (the introduction) it talks about how friends with all this new ways to electronically communicate can sometimes start crossing the boundaries and not even know it. From what I saw (chat logs for 3+ months), this is where they were at. There was no bad talk about their marriages, no bad talk about their spouses, just to much communication that I was not aware of, until I found it, that showed an increasing amount of emotional attachment.

Once confronted, she made some poor choices in trying to juggle her “friendship” that went against what she agreed to “not delete stuff”. After the last, she pledged to not delete anything going forward. (line in the sand)

She had agreed to read to book, but as of yet has not started, again I believe she still does not what to put herself labeled as in an emotional affair, she said that she did not like that word.

It has been 3 weeks since or last heated discussion about this, She said that I could trust her, I said no I cannot, and it sucked being married to someone you do not trust, that you could not trust someone 99% you either do, or you do not.

I said I can no longer trust your words as they have lied to me, I will now only trust your actions. I summed it up by saying the only things I know is that you were in an emotional relationship, that you said was inappropriate, he said was inappropriate, you said you would let me know of all contact and not delete things and you lied twice about it. I told her again to get her head out of her ass.

This seemed to hit home, she has not initiated any contact, and he has not even responded to any of her previous attempts of friendly or manufactured attempts by her.

All our conversations since have been about us, and rebuilding trust. She said that we should use this as a learning experience and has spoken of their friendship in the past tense.

Where am I at? My Gut tells me she now understands, this I can cross check with her actions. Will be asking her to complete what she committed to do, read the book.

When I say I can see just about everything, I mean it, these two are not very sharp on electronics, Crist she does not even know how to delete her internet history.

[This message edited by Overcomming at 7:47 AM, January 18th (Friday)]


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
whatlysbeneath
Member
Member # 32665
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, January 5th (Saturday)

OC,

I must join those that are warning you to prepare yourself (as much as possible) for the discovery that your wife has been involved sexually with this "friend". Six Years!?! Six Years!?!

Trust your gut from long ago. Your M can only be healthy when your WW is remorseful AND transparent.

When I uncovered my WWs A I did not at that time have proof of her sexual involvement with the AP. I SO wanted to believe that my WWs involvement was limited to a EA, it wasn't.

My WW also contacted AP post D Day, this proved to me beyond a shadow of a doubt where her loyallty was.

I completely agree with what I have read others post on SI that; "EAs that are only EAs are as rare as unicorns" and "Thirtysomething adults don't just "flirt" if they have the opportunity to do more, adults know how everything works"

Where I disagree with many SI members is the opinion that an EA is just as bad as a Sexual Affair.Really!?! How many STDs have been transmitted from EAs!?! How many children conceived from EAs!?!Crossing the Sexual boundry is HUGE!

For a short (almost happy) time after discovery I thought I was dealing with an EA - confirmation of the sexual affair was to me emotionally what a firecracker (EA) is to a nuclear bomb (PA)!!

This is why I am encouraging you to please please prepare yourself emotionally!!

Take good care of yourself, know that you did not break her so you can not fix her. You have NO responsibilty for her choice to lie, cheat and steal from your M!

Also, PLEASE PLEASE tell the APs betrayed wife!! It is simply the right moral thing to do. Ask yourself, if the APs betrayed wife had found out first wouldn't you want to know??

[This message edited by whatlysbeneath at 8:20 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together 18 years
M 17
D day 2010
4 young children
Every secret in a marriage is a lie...I'm tired of being lied too.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Mayberry to Hell to Limboville
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, January 18th (Friday)

Still here, still reading

Update and a question:

Things have been quite for the most part, she is very open to my questions and wants to and feels that we are reconnecting and we are closer then we have been in a long while.

But, always a but, Last Saturday night she was working and used her work email to send him an email at his work. Nothing out of the line, just asking how his daughter was feeling (she was sick). Told him she does not check her work email, but will check more if he responds, she tells him she cannot access it from home. I can see it as I have access but she does not know.

Sunday afternoon, she can tell I’m upset, I tell her that I had just reread some of the past stuff and was triggering a little. Around 8 I left unannounced to drive around, (cell off).

When I came home around 9 all lights were off, kids in bed, she came down to the kitchen, started crying, and said she was worried about me.

Told her that the way she was acting (made that up) told my gut that she has had communication with him and has not told me. Told her it must have been from her work, a phone call, message, email or something (I of course already knew)

She then spent the next 15 min with me drilling her and her denying. Very tough
We went to bed, she was trying to cuddle me, I could not sleep, after about 2 hours I went to the basement, had some Jaeger, and listened to the conversation (had it recorded, but she does not know)

Went back to bed and fell asleep at some point.
In the morning we got up, me for work, and she was helping get the kids out to school. She came back into the bed room, sat on the bed and said that there was something she needed to tell me.

She told me that she did email him from work. I asked her why she didn’t tell me last night, she said she was very worried about what my reaction would have been considering my state, but she decided that she needed to tell me.

Monday night talked, Told her that I knew if I didn’t press the issue, she would not have told me. Tuesday more connecting, Wed she calls me at work and tells me she started reading the book “Not Just Friends” and would like to talk about it that night. We talk and go over the quiz in the beginning, we both score the friend ship around a 2 (Strong friendship, with some potential)

I have some questions that I had written down that we openly talked about.
Thursday, I had some more questions, she openly was there to talk about things, I thanked her.

Friday (today) now my question, he responded to her email from last weekend on Monday, nothing but answering her questions (typical friendship stuff like past communications). She does not know that he responded, and will not know till she goes to work tonight. I could delete his email and I believe she would not know, (web based).

Should I delete it or watch?

I’m leaning watch, as this would be a method of communication that I could monitor, all the past one they stopped when she became aware that I was monitoring.

Have a great weekend.


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, January 18th (Friday)

Watch and don't delete it.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1200 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
faithfulfool
Member
Member # 34252
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, January 18th (Friday)

Told him she does not check her work email, but will check more if he responds, she tells him she cannot access it from home.
This is NOT "Nothing out of line". It is So disrespectful. She doesn't care about how you feel AT ALL right now. She knows it is wrong, so she is telling him that they can talk through work email behind your back. She is taking this further underground!

she came down to the kitchen, started crying, and said she was worried about me.
In my opinion, that is BS! The way I see it, she is not worried about you! She is worried about how much you know.

She then spent the next 15 min with me drilling her and her denying

My FWW did this to me too. Before I knew she was cheating on me, I found an email to a guy..Nothing too bad, but it was her ex boyfriend. I had JUST seen the email, and she denied, denied, denied. I was dumbfounded. I had NEVER known her to lie to me before. That's the first time I ever questioned my blind trust of her. I found out later that lie was just one of many over the previous 2.5 years!

I asked her why she didn’t tell me last night, she said she was very worried about what my reaction would have been considering my state.
She didn't tell you, not to protect you, but to protect herself. She was, and is, hiding something.

I knew if I didn’t press the issue, she would not have told me.
Absolutely right! And you might wanna get used to this pattern. She doesn't want to tell you anything, unless she has to. You're going to have to face the fact that she is not trustworthy at this point.

Should I delete it or watch?
Don't delete it! Watch and see what happens. Let her think she has a secret way to communicate with he OM for a while. But prepare yourself for when you get that undeniable proof. IMO, you are eventually going to get some undeniable proof, and maybe when it's right there in black and white you will stop denying what has been going on for so long.

I really hope I am wrong, but I really don't think I am. I see so much of myself in you, and my heart is just breaking. You're acting so much like I did when I first started getting worried. I just want you to stand up for yourself, trust your gut, you know the truth. Best of luck to you, and remember we're all here for you!

[editted for spelling and format]

[This message edited by faithfulfool at 10:25 AM, January 18th (Friday)]


--------------
Me: BH(33)
Her: fWW(31)
Married 8 yrs, together 15. no kids
D-day: 7/15/11
TT thru 4/24/12

Posts: 78 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: The South (USA)
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, January 18th (Friday)

Your WW is "fishing". Trying to re-establish communications and taking it underground, behind your back!!!!

You've done the bounderies and NC talk......and she continues to break both.

I would continue to monitor her email and see how far she takes it. It's gonna get bad now that OM responded.


Posts: 1539 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

Update, Good news (if there is any) this was a low grade EA that was growing by the day, I spotted the changes and confronted.

My wife kept lying about the contact for two months which caused extreme damage.

She then after two months went total transparent, letting me know of just about all contact and not deleting things, thought I was settling in, but it’s tough to see your wife on the phone with another married man for 30-45 min every few weeks, and ongoing texting and FB messaging. But that was the deal, and she was sticking with it.

Unfortunately this just made me go crazy; always looking over my shoulder, wondering what would be next. Things between us grew great, we were connecting again.

After so many lines in the sand that have been crossed, I was feeling week, but after 3 months I told myself that she would not be attending a summer scout camp where he would be, I told her for 4 months this would be very bad for the marriage. Told her I would not be attending with our son, that he was old enough (13) to be more than fine by himself.

About 1 month out I get the feeling that she is planning to go, this set off some sever anxiety, as I know what it would mean. She saw my pain, but was insistent on going.

(New Comers LISTEN)
The day before she was to come home, I made the call that I should have made 7 months ago, and spared myself the worst hell I would not wish on anyone. I called his wife, she to had concerns, told her what had taken place, told her if there was any chance of them continuing their friendship that she would have to know the back story.

We talked for 30 min, and then met for another 30 min, and I gave her some screen shots of all their communication and call logs of all their calls, and SHE THANKED me about 5-6 times.

She texted me the next day, that she talked to him and they are just really good friends, but because of the amount of time and energy they were spending on each other that she was demanding that he befriend her on FB, delete her cell #, and email.

So there after 7 months it’s over, for now. I told her that night that I had talked to his wife, and she is pissed. I told her just 4 hours before you were saying how much we have grown and how close we are to each other, now I’m dealing with her sorrow.

Bottom line, if you’re reading this, take the advice of the kind people who post here in an attempt to help you, if I had made that call 7 months ago, things would have ended with a lot less pain.


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
wontdefineme
Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

I think she lied and most people who get away with their affairs do it again. We are just so happy to have our families stay together that we ignore the truth. I believed i caught it in time and 15 years later he did it again. I knew the first time was a lie as he said and acted exactly the same way the next time around. His AP's BH was fooled and accepted everything she told him, while she was throwing herself at him all over their workplace. The WS counts on our trust to fool us, because we love and trust them and why would we ever think they would cheat?

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2011
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

I just read this whole thread and I am so glad you contacted the OM's BW. you did the right thing.

I hope your wife can pry her head out of her bum.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

Overcomming:

I didn't read *all* of the thread here, but I wanted to say that I'm really happy for you that you caught this and I'm impressed with how you dealt with it. My WS started a friendship with a coworker that gave me the willies and I begged him not to have too many interactions with her (she was getting a divorce and he helped her move, let her mother invite him over for a family "thank you" meal, etc). I would cry and say that it didn't seem right, but he would tell me I'm crazy.

He started talking about her a lot randomly in conversations (e.g., I would show him a pair of shoes and he would tell me how much she likes shoes). They would run errands together on weekends. He played the "helping her out since she left her husband" card. I never had a reason to doubt him before, so I tried not to be the jealous type. I have male friends I go to the movies with, go shopping with, etc after all.

Family members starting warning me something didn't seem right. "He's allowed to have a friend!" I would tell them.

Fast forward 6 months and I found out they started a PA in February (clearly an EA earlier than that). He tried R for about a nano-second, took the A underground. I found out and yadda yadda, we haven't spoken in 2 months and I now live on the opposite coast.

If I had been more vigilant like you were, maybe this would have all been avoided. On one hand, I'm glad to find out his true character after 10 years (the A and his poor handling of R after the fact). On the other hand, how many A could be avoided if the BS wasn't afraid to do what you have done...


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Overcomming
New Member
Member # 37546
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

This is it, line drawn, she is extremely up set, as expected, but no more, told her she is free to have this friendship but not as my wife. I will not go back to where I was, no more. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Thanks everyone, including MeanBean for your 2 x 4’s


ME 43
WIFE 42
Three Kidos

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2012
surviving1963
Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I read this entire thread with great interest. I am relatively new here, but I have survived my WH EA and like PA(just barely). I could FEEL your pain...the loss of appetite, inability to sleep. Nothing can compare to dishonesty/betrayal from your spouse. You tried so hard to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she clearly will have to be watched. I wish I had done things differently when I discovered my WS EA over a year ago. I would have acted "normal" while continuing my private investigations. I could probably have got more info. All WS did was become more secretive- got a second phone- private email and lied constantly about his whereabouts. WS and OW both told me they fell in love, feel like soul mates, have a deep connection, feel like they have known each other forever....BUT, they said they will never discontinue contact. That would be me trying to "control" him and who he could have for a friend. They said they will just remain friends because they have "integrity and standards" and will never act on their feelings. (Apparently they are also not even human.) Once the lies start - it is very difficult for them to stop. WS become intoxicated with OW or OM. Be VERY watchful and don't let your guard down....I hope it will be OK, but I am very worried for you. I drew the line and am filing for divorce. Of course, my WS blatantly refused NC - so he basically left me with no option.


Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
Topic Posts: 95