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Just Found Out
User Topic: "Outing" an Unmarried AP
popitdaddy
Member
Member # 37502
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, November 26th (Monday)

I'm pretty sure I want to expose my WW's lover. He is not married (only a 23 yr old punk) but I have done my homework and gathered the names and addresses of a great many of his local family and relatives.

I feel like this might be more vindictive than noble since there is not a deserving spouse to break the news to. However, I still feel like affairs and adultery should have consequences. Also, it might be the final thing neccessary to make him cut it off with her for good (if they have not already).

The people I found I'm only MOSTLY sure about whether they are his immediate family. For example, I have two people that may or may not be his mom and dad. Therefore I run the risk of contacting people who are completely unaffiliated. The only other thing is possibly the risk of him retaliating by making trouble for my W at work; but that's neither here nor there right now.

Anyway, has anyone ever decided to "tell on" their OM/OW's partner when they were not married and if so, what message is best used? I've been able to write some amazing letters lately except this one! All I have so far is "I want you to know what he did and what kind of person he is....." blah blah blah.

Thanks for any insight


Me(38) - BH
Her(37) - XWW
Kids - 2
Married: 15 yrs
D-DAY: 10-23-2012
Length of A: [depends on what day you ask her]
Divorced

Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: NW Arkansas
ReunitePangea
Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, November 26th (Monday)

I can relate to your frustration and desire to do this but I don't see any benefit to you or your situation by doing it. What good do you hope to get really? Don't give this 23 year old the power by showing them what they did to hurt you. Let them learn that lesson the hard way many years from now when they lose something they care about because of their poor judgement and behavior.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 484 | Registered: Nov 2012
healingk
Member
Member # 28889
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, November 26th (Monday)

I totally understand how you feel, the OW in my case was unmarried. I wanted to get on Facebook and make a post to all her friends, but I held it in and didn't, make the post. I would have outed her, to her spouse, if she had been married to her spouse, but she wasn't.

Just remember if you do this, they are his family and love him, you may not get the results that you want, and you may just sound like the crazy scorned spouse. It is really hard to think that someone that could do this, is loved by anyone, but they are.

I feel your pain.
Good luck in your choice.


Ws 59
Bs me--57
Married 39 years
D Day 11/30/08
Just trying to feel normal.It is getting there, but very slow.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Tennessee
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, November 26th (Monday)

I could never find a reason better than hoping to inflict some kind of damage on him so I didn't bother. If I wanted to do that I'd just drive down there and hit him. Elaborate vengeance schemes only work in bad novels and honestly I admit, I felt kind of like a pussy for not driving down there to begin with. So that influenced my decision not to broadcast it further I guess.

eta:

I felt that way even though I understand nothing good could come from it and I avoided doing it simply because I did not think it was worth the jail time and drama explained to my kids. If I saw him waddle past me tomorrow I don't know that I could keep myself from just reaching out to grab him by the neck and shake him liken etch a sketch.

One of those things that just sits there to deal with in all its irrational glory.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 4:58 PM, November 26th (Monday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, November 26th (Monday)

His family may be upset with him but they'll still protect him. I think you'd come off as more vindictive than righteous/noble.

Does he know that you know?

Others may not agree but what about contacting him and letting the little snot know that you know what's going on. Not sure what the age dynamics are at play here but guys at that age might get scared if a silverback calls to put him in his place.

No threats, just a notification that you don't take kindly to having your life F'd with.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, November 26th (Monday)

It's pretty common to want the AP to hurt like they have hurt us. The thing is, giving them ANY of our energy is only hurting ourselves.

You're not going to get the response you want from him anyway. Since they didn't work together, and there's no other spouse, there's really nobody in a position to hold him accountable in his own life.

Find out if your W is truly in R, and work on yourself first and foremost. You deserve every scrap of energy you have to build yourself back up.

((((popitdadddy))))


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17332 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
loserhusband
Member
Member # 12734
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, November 26th (Monday)

Like you the OP was single, so I told everyone she worked with and I also told her Mom (Dad ??) not sure if he ever married her Mom ! And I told her brother and Mother (made a personal phone call to her home) Told them that she blew my fucktard husband in his shitbox truck and fucked him in pay for the hour flea box motels! They defended her (classy family) and did not even seem shocked that someone would find her actions to be degrading or offensive


ME BS 54
HIM WS 56
M 30 years
DD 9/20/06
Wow has it really been that long ago ;(
OP 26 year old co worker

Never make someone a priority who considers you an option
Keep the Faith, but Ration the Trust, It is better to be pissed off than pissed on


Posts: 1091 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: east coast
sadandempty
Member
Member # 36710
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, November 26th (Monday)

The OW was recently divorced so I didn't have a BS to tell, but OW lives in a small town my WH and I grew up in so I have friends and family that live there. I told everyone I knew that lived there to out her, I wanted to make sure that everyone knew the disgusting person she was, and gossip and news travel fast in that town. I did think about talking to her X about how she was using their 11 yr old D though, she had her D texting my WH during the A and was telling my WH how she didn't have a father figure and how she saw that in my WH , but I never had the guts to do it, i didn't want her to have any excuses to try to contact my WH, or have them apart of our lives ever again!


Me BS
Him WH

"For a minute there I lost myself"


Posts: 158 | Registered: Sep 2012
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, November 26th (Monday)

I don't think you are going to get the response from these people that you think you will. 23 year old boys will probably glamorize the whole thing. Mommy's are very forgiving and will usually go after whoever is harming their cub.

I don't think it's worth your effort.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Solution
Member
Member # 29027
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, November 26th (Monday)

Goal number one - bust up the affair. You can't recover until NO CONTACT.

In my experience helping others, unfortunately it is more often than not that the OM ends it after exposure. Wayward wives flip flop and can't decide what they want. One day they want you...the next OM. OM dumping her because she's just too much trouble and, now that the affair isn't a secret any more just not much fun anymore (plus mom and aunt Vicky are giving him crap) is a GREAT outcome. Also, even if it doesn't work immediately...it will someday since they will never be able to claim they just hooked up after you two separated/divorced.

Some more recently betrayed husband's will get caught up in the mind game of thinking it matters whether their WW ends the affair themselves or not. It doesn't and ending the affair anyway you can sooner rather than later is the best way to at least get a shot at recovery (before you really start hating her).

She will go ballistic on you after you expose. Do not threaten or forewarn her at all or you'll just make this anger worse. Your marriage can survive her anger...it can't survive a lingering intruder.


Here's one draft of an exposure letter:


Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a co-worker some of you may even know named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. He is also married and has young children . The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.

She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx or xxxxx to persuade her or him to end the affair so we can try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,


me - BH her - FWW
one daughter age 11
Affair 2005 - Completely Recovered

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jul 2010
Solution
Member
Member # 29027
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, November 26th (Monday)

I don't think you are going to get the response from these people that you think you will. 23 year old boys will probably glamorize the whole thing. Mommy's are very forgiving and will usually go after whoever is harming their cub.

I don't think it's worth your effort.

It just takes ONE PERSON in the RIGHT POSITION to make a difference. Betrayed spouses are everywhere and whether it be an aunt, a grandfather, a friend or whomever...if someone of influence steps up it can make a huge difference. Especially on OM's side of things....he's a young impressionable barely mature boy of 23. His friends and family CAN likely have a huge influence.

If it was my 23 year old kid and they lived at home...I'd give them 15 seconds to end it forever or disown them.

I'll offer myself up as exhibit #1. Once my MIL was told...within hours she called the OM in our lives, threatened him and told him she'd give him one day before she came over to literally whoop him (she'd known him for years - childhood friend of my wife's) AND talk with his parents (30+ year old that lived at home after a recent divorce himself). She was convincing. Within 24 hours he dumped my wife FOREVER (while also being sworn to secrecy so my wife had no idea why he was ending it (which also worked out well for us as I didn't have to endure the short term shit-storm following many exposures).

Exposure.

Then you can do Plan B or Plan 180 or whatever.


p.s. - Again...the shit-storm will be huge. She will make you regret what you've done and you'll be second guessing yourself for a few days or weeks but in the end it's the best and only weapon to bust up the affair. Very few regret exposing.


[This message edited by Solution at 6:51 PM, November 26th (Monday)]


me - BH her - FWW
one daughter age 11
Affair 2005 - Completely Recovered

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jul 2010
Angelstar5
Member
Member # 35276
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, November 26th (Monday)

when i first found out, i wanted to out her someway. I told her mom and her sister she was a whore (she really is a hooker) and sent them her website addys. Mom ignored me and sister slammed me. So i figured out where she went to highschool and went to classmates.com and filled in her profile. Lets just say i was out for some revenge. Was it the best thing i could have done? NO. Did it make me feel better. Yes.

They ask you something like "what you are up to now" and i wrote "i'm a hooker and suck as many dicks as i can by the hour" and "what do you want for the future" something about "wanting to ruin the lives of families, wives and children across america" somthing like that. It's still there...she doesn't know it's there, I guess i should delete it...someday.

I have a daughter who is 28 and if a woman called me and told me what she had done i'd have tried everythign to make it stop and really slammed my kid, but in the end, i love her no matter what she does....so if it makes you feel better, go for it, but don't expect huge outcomes. Don't do what i did...in hindsight it felt better for a little while, but now i kind of don't care so much about her anymore.


Me 47,WH 46 alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs

Posts: 753 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Fort Worth TX
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, November 26th (Monday)

I will differ from most and say you should go for it. This type of exposure can still be very effective. The content of the letter is different but it can work, although it is best to have no expectations. I would do something like:

I am writing to you because you are a friend/family of X. I have recently learned that XX is engaging in an adulterous affair with my wife of ## years. We have ## children whose names are blank and blank. I love my wife deeply and we cannot work on our marriage while XX is still a part of her life. I implore you to use whatever influence you may have on XX to convince him the error of his ways by interfering with a marriage. I am committed to making my marriage work. Any help you can provide in keeping my children's family intact would be forever appreciated.

Sincerely,

Good luck!!


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, November 26th (Monday)

Just to make sure: If you do this don't expect a 23 year old to behave like an adult, and don't expect his family to give a flying fuck. Blood is thicker than water in most of this shit and you run just as much a chance of this family defending their behavior. There is nothing in it for them to lose here - you are the only one who stands to lose anything unless you have a solid divorce plan set up.

Expose the affair but expose HER family, friends, co workers, etc. These are people who know you and would be sympathetic.

Finally, don't go at this like it's a game or a plan to win back your wife or secure your marriage. Your wife cant unfuck this punk, that bird has flown. If you are going to expose this kid then you should do it for the reasons you said in your original post - because you want people in his life to know what a shit bag he is. Any other positive returns you get are serendipitous at best.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
exhausted lady
Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, November 26th (Monday)

I'm sorry but I don't think outing this little slimebag is going to get you anywhere, or make you feel any better. Chances are, he'll just get a bunch of high-fives for his stupid behavior.

He's still wet behind the ears, and in fratboy mode. I have NO idea why a mature woman would even think about going there, but I digress....


I think you need to do a HARD 180, for yourself first and foremost. You might give fratboy a call and fill him in on how much it takes to support wifey and the two kids. I'm sure in his MILF fantasy life he hasn't thought THAT over.

Then, cut her loose. If she pulls her foggy head out of her ass and decides to grow the hell up, fine and good - *IF* you still want this woman in your life.

Do what you need to do to protect you and your kids.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3168 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
rarepearl7
Member
Member # 27672
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, November 26th (Monday)

I did expose the unmarried OW on her facebook. I copied all her friend's and family, locked my facebook down tight so she could not reach my contact's. Then I fired off a email to each and everyone on her list. Within an hour that facebook page was down. It gave me great satisfactiom to know I gave her some of the gut busting pain I had. I contacted about 125 people. Non responded but I did not expect or want that. Only regret is I sent one to her son (he was 23 lived with her so knew my H)

I did not worry about anger from my H because he knew I was ready to gut him.

She knew he was married and should have listened when he said his wife was mean!


Posts: 200 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, November 26th (Monday)

During False R I asked monster to send an email to OW and everyone they met on the professional development course overseas outing himself and her and telling them everything he was saying to me (disgraceful behaviour, disgusted with himself, betrayed his wife, himself, his children, broken damaged poor excuse of a man did this, risked someone wonderful for less than nothing, worst sex of his life etc etc).

Fast forward to a short while later ie 2 months after the end of 3m False R ("I'll do WHATEVER it takes for as long as it takes" and other bull) and she comes up as a suggested connection on LinkedIn because they are now connected. It would have come up for my friends and colleagues connected to him too (I've unlinked him). More humiliation - he's such a monster. I'm guessing he lied and said I sent it. I'm the crazy bitter ex now.

In asking him to send it I inadvertently gave her some of my power.

I guess that's my long-winded way of saying it won't give you peace and could add to your pain. He is not your problem - your WW is. Try not to lose focus and get lost in the OP-hating quagmire. The only person who suffers from hatred is the hater, not the hated.

((PID)) I've been we're you are friend and it sucks a big hairy monkeys arse. But you need to stay focused on you lest this consumes you. He is not the reason she cheated - he's just the next douche to blow in her ear.

More hugs ((PID)) - you'll probably ignore the advice as lots of us do. Just brace yourself if you do.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 9:14 PM, November 26th (Monday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
wontdefineme
Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, November 26th (Monday)

This is something you need to do, not us. We all have our own road to walk and only we know what we must do to move on. Without doing bodily harm of course.

When the MOW and her BS wouldn't do what was necessary to stop the A I contacted both of their mothers.

Well it didn't give me any satisfaction because her mom told me that she barely saw her and her daughter didn't contact her much. Felt bad for her mother but it confirmed what a bitch she was. When I called her MIL she told me the same thing and that her DIL dresed like a whore all her life.

So, apart from her family now knowing that she was a home wrecker, both women were sad for my kids and me. It ended any vengeance towards her and then I didn't care if my XH ended up with the whore, actually hoped he would.


Posts: 2172 | Registered: Mar 2011
carey
Member
Member # 35829
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, November 26th (Monday)

I do think your idea is a vindictive one. I understand why you feel this way but, really think about what StrongButBroken said.....

He is not your problem - your WW is. Try not to lose focus and get lost in the OP-hating quagmire. The only person who suffers from hatred is the hater, not the hated.

Yes, this guy is wrong for having an A w/your wife. However, YOUR WIFE is the one that was supposed to be faithful & committed to you!

Does she still work with him?


me(BW) 41
him (WH) 40
D-day 1/17/12
together for 22yrs, married 12 yrs.
2 children ages 10 & 5
You can close your eyes
to the things you don't
want to see. You can't close
your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

Posts: 540 | Registered: Jun 2012
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, November 26th (Monday)

I need help on "outing". I have told just a few of XH friends and they were useless. His sisters turned on me. I never thought calling my H boss or sending a letter to all of our friends asking for their help in ending this. I really do not think H wanted D but the OW has his mind so totally messed up that he is bad mouthing me to our children -- something he never did to 1st wife..

I like the letter Solution typed up.

How do most people out? Is it in person or mass produced letters????

thanks!


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2126 | Registered: Jan 2012
Ravena
New Member
Member # 35954
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, November 26th (Monday)

Well, I've fantasized about posting on FB about STBX's infidelity and awful parenting. I've thought about writing the husband of OW to "thank" him for letting me know about the infidelity (okay, it might read, "thanks for nothing"). But you're making an assumption about how they will react. I've become cynical, I admit, but over the year since I've been separated, I've learned that it's better to be popular rather than right, as most of his friends and family sided with my wayward husband, and gave me little or no support. I was married for 23 years, and I haven't gotten one phone call from the in-laws since we separated. I assume they are supporting their "poor, abandoned son."

Don't be shocked if you get a resounding silence in response.


"I hold it that a little rebellion now and then is a good thing."--Thomas Jefferson

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Maryland
stomachupset
Member
Member # 36084
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, November 26th (Monday)

My WH's AP is also unmarried. I seriously thought of standing outside her workplace with a sign saying "ask me what I think about Miss Ho"- the way I picketed outside the dentist who messed up my son's treatment and wanted to charge me twice. It helps to know the law and abide by it strictly, but even the satisfaction of doing it would not have reversed the 7 month affair.

I'm usually pretty gutsy and have no problem stating my opinion- not even caring about being "popular"...but the blowback would be pretty bad.


BW - 50 ME
FWS - 52 HIM
DDays - 6/21/12, 8/3, 8/4 and 8/5

Working to improve me, IC and MC for both of us. We'll see how it goes.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Southern California
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, November 27th (Tuesday)

Homewrecked

I told everyone I came across pretty much from DD onwards. I did it to free myself of the shame of it and also to ensure it was very very difficult for R should I ever consider it.

If they were mutual friends and I came across them I'd tell them. I didn't bother telling his friends - their view of him is his problem now.

His family are going to support him no matter what (which I know they did whilst expressing deep disappointment in him - his mother blames herself). I expect they would support him without condoning what he has done/is doing. Maybe he's giving them a spin - again, his problem, not mine.

I would not expect his family to NOT support him unless he hurt me or the girls physically or was a danger to us in some way.

They are casualties of this too in losing their relationship with me. I am unable to have a relationship with anyone who supports him, even if they have to. I don't say this from a place of spite or anger, but from pain. It would be too painful to me.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Pudding
Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, November 27th (Tuesday)

I've fantasised about outing her, but am not sure it would do much good and it will rebound on my fWH and we are in R.

However, I have made it very clear to fWh, OW and OWH that if they every socialise again or breach NC or if I ever have to encounter her socially or professinally (My company is a client of their company)then she will be outed in public and humiliated and it wold probably lead to her loss of job. I hope she lives in fear of this everyday.

If introduced to her, I will say "I have heard of your reputation for picking up other people's husbands in your people carrier and shagging them...."

Better to fantatsise and frighten her than to carry it out. I thought I was outing her to the OWH, but he didn't seem bothered at all.


Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, November 27th (Tuesday)

Ive wracked my brain trying to figure out how to cause some type of unpleasantness to ow, warn everyone's wife that she knows. I guess I could go to her work and have her call security. Finally concluded, shes untouchable, bitch got away with no consequences at all. Hey I know what I could do, send all of ws crap to her house and set him on her doorstep... Now that would be a great payback.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5039 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, November 28th (Wednesday)

My FWWs OM was a drug tech at a recovery center (drugs).....he knew better!!!

Yeah...he soon lost his job...(i will never admit to having anything to do with that happening...).

My FWW was not a patient there....however they met at a AA meetings......every day. In a 12 step program...this is known as the 13th step...and its a HUGE no-no.....and as a drug tech...HE KNEW BETTER!

Bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5822 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
openedupmyeyes
Member
Member # 27871
Cool  Posted: 6:08 AM, November 28th (Wednesday)

Standing up...raising my hand. Yes, yes I outed her to as many friends And family that I could. I found that info in emails that she and my h exchanged with friends. You know the people they you send jokes to. Since they both worked for a local TV station her contacts were @ affiliate TV stations. I also sent emails to her grown daughter. I figured if my grown daughters know.so should hers. I felt no need to send letters warning them about their friend. Oh no... I forwarded every email I found between them to everyone. Including her.I wanted her to know what I did. The gossipy lady in HR? Yep her too. The board of directors? Yep.so what. Her former boss? Sure did. Thanked him for being so nice to her, when she went out of her way to help him keep his job.IE.going through his emails and desk while she was leaving love notes for my h. I didn't send her a copy of that. That little bomb was for later. I im'd her told her I would be glad to come up there and show what a bad idea it would be to contact me or my h again. She said something about police... slander..what ever. So I educated her on the point that she shoud have listened to my h. I am crazy,mean,or what ever . This is what happened when you deal with a married man. You get a pissed off wife. I'll come up there and paper the parking lot with your pics, and emails. If what I say is true... its not slander. Guess what.. she no longer works there. She had to train her replacement. She pines for and is in love with him to this day. She checks his linked in account for info on him or just to see his face. Rides by the house every 6 months. I don't regret it.I wish I did more to hurt her. As a matter of fact I warned her. I have a long memory.and since she is older I'll outlive her.if I ever get the chance to inflict pain on her I would. She has made a lifelong enemy. Look over her shoulder. Anything bad happen to you? I've had a hand in it someway. Even if its just wishing it on you.

[This message edited by openedupmyeyes at 6:13 AM, November 28th (Wednesday)]


Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 762 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
popitdaddy
Member
Member # 37502
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, November 28th (Wednesday)

WOW... never have I posted a topic with such differing opinions! And thanks for the sample letters to those who posted them. If I send something, it was going to be in mass produced letters but I like the idea of just confronting the little twurp.

The OM does not know that I know according to my WW. However, how can I really know what to believe from her right now??? And yes, she still works with him.

I talked to her about that a couple of nights ago as well as some other things. Obviously she needs a job but she's not exactly doing anything to work toward an eventual transfer or anything.


Me(38) - BH
Her(37) - XWW
Kids - 2
Married: 15 yrs
D-DAY: 10-23-2012
Length of A: [depends on what day you ask her]
Divorced

Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: NW Arkansas
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, November 28th (Wednesday)

Obviously she needs a job but she's not exactly doing anything to work toward an eventual transfer or anything.


Might look at making that priority #1 before anything. Fighting for an unremorseful WS may be a waste of energy and outing the OM while contact is continuing may not work as well as you are hoping.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Patsfan09
Member
Member # 25965
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, November 29th (Thursday)

My WH's OW is unmarried, she recently broke off an engagement to another man because of WH.

She moved back home to her parents...who were aware of her relationship with WH, but thought he was divorced. A quick call to "mom" straightened that all out. At one point she tried to pull the "my daughter is the victim here"
I simply told her that her daughter knew about me, knew my children and had been a guest in my home, twice. She knew what she was doing.
At this point she was either laughing or sobbing...I figured I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and say crying. I was very calm, collected and professional in everything I said to her. It would have done me no good to lower myself to OW's level. I felt much better afterward. Then I had to deal with WH...


WH-43
BW-44
T-18y M-15y
2 children (dd-13, ds-12)
1 EA/PA 5/2009-10/2012 (with multiple ddays)
Final dday 4/10/14
*went from EA to PA while we were in MC for over a year.

Divorcing his broken @ss


Posts: 99 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: USA
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, November 29th (Thursday)

Mommy's are very forgiving and will usually go after whoever is harming their cub.

Not this Mommy. My children know for certain that I would never stand by and defend/support their bad behavior. They know quite well that I don't care if they are 2, 20, 35, 48, or 55 years old...if they are doing wrong I will speak my mind and let them know it. Period.

I agree with the Solution:

"It just takes ONE PERSON in the RIGHT POSITION to make a difference"

I have a 23 yr old son and I assure you I WOULD WANT to know if he was involved in an A. I would want to address it with him, do all that I could to correct his inappropriate behavior, and help him to develop a stronger character so he would not hurt others again.

So, if you contacted me (his Mom) I would thank you.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 1:00 AM, November 29th (Thursday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, November 29th (Thursday)

Bear in mind folks, all of you posting here are generally more inclined towards responsible behavior and expectations of the same from our kids. The unfortunate reality of this site is that not everyone is like that.

I'd disown my children if they behaved this way and didn't go on a quest for fire from the gods to make it right, but I've accepted the unhappy truth that not everyone else sees it that way.

Out the guy sure but like I said, don't expect anything other than serendipity. If you can confront and throw a scare into his ass without beating him down then hell yes do that.

wrt her still working with this guy? You can't R in that situation imo. If she isn't even trying to find something else while working with this guy then I would assume she's still involved in the affair. No, you can't believe anything she says right now. She has to earn that back.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
BeenThereDunThat
Member
Member # 134
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, November 29th (Thursday)

I have a close male friend who found out one of his longtime guy friends had been screwing around with is wife the last year they were together before their divorce.

In all fairness, my male friend pretty much cheated the entire time they were married (it was a teenage marriage).

Anyway, after they separated and the divorce papers were in the pipeline, he found out about his STBxW and his so-called buddy.

Even though he was hardly in a position to throw stones, he nonetheless set out to get revenge - and in a hideous way.

He knew this guy had some fetishes and whatnot, so he did a random search for him on AdultFriendFinder and low and behold, there the guy was - nude pictures, profile, and what he was looking for..all visible to my friend.

Well, my male friend did a bunch of screen captures of that profile, making sure to get every single nude shot and every single word in his ex friend's profile (talking about the threesomes he was seeking and other wild things). He had the 'goods' on this guy, simply no doubt about it.

He made two color copies of everything on that AdultFriendFinder profile.

Then, he mailed one package to his ex-wife (who was blissfully 'in love' with pervert boy and had NO IDEA he was soliciting on a hookup site) and one to the guy's MOTHER.

I kid you not.

And she got it too, because the guy called a week after my friend mailed out the packages, screaming at him for having done it.

Yikes.


~BeenThereDunThat~
"....I could have missed the pain - but I'd have had to miss the dance..."

Posts: 2667 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Somewhere out there
popitdaddy
Member
Member # 37502
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, April 13th (Saturday)

So my last post about the OM was in the "Facing the OM" forum where I reported how he pussied out of my meeting I set up.

I'm on the verge of sending out about 6 letters to female members of his family. My lawyer advises against it but she did not read the body of the letter. Main thing that scares me is that the family is Hispanic and people try to remind me that they would "circle the wagon" around him and maybe get aggressive or make trouble for me.

I formed the letter based on a few examples my SI friends here shared. It reads as follows:

Dear XXXX,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the life of Rudy XXXXXXXX. On October 23rd, I learned that Rudy has engaged in an adulterous affair with a co-worker at the XXXXXXXX. It began in the early part of 2011 and went on for anywhere from a few months to a year and 1/2. I know this because the woman he had an affair with was my wife of 15 years. They tried to do this in complete secrecy and kept their affair going no matter the consequences. Most or all of it happened in Rudy's home.

We have 2 children ages 15 and 10. Rudy and my wife still work in the same department and I cannot say with 100% certainty that the relationship is over (whether that be physical or emotional). I implore you to use whatever influence you may have on Rudy to convince him the error of his ways by interfering with a marriage and family. I think it is important to let you know so that you might do what you think necessary to correct his inappropriate behavior, and help him to develop a stronger character so he would not hurt others again.

If this notification has spoken to you in any way and you want more information or need to speak to me, I have no problem with that. You may call me at 479-XXX-XXXX or email at XXXXXXXX


Warmest regards,


Me(38) - BH
Her(37) - XWW
Kids - 2
Married: 15 yrs
D-DAY: 10-23-2012
Length of A: [depends on what day you ask her]
Divorced

Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: NW Arkansas
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

Emphasise more on your children's future if your M ends due to the continuity of the A.
Rest is fine.

Best of luck. If you're lucky, A will stop. If he's a typical 23 year old, then he'll take more pleasure in hurting you.

How about sending a copy to the local police station ?



BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
myheadreallyhurt
Member
Member # 36424
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

I've wanted to do this so, so many times.

I can tell OW has a sister with small children and I've been tempted (really, really tempted) to contact her. OW has told WH that if he wants to be with her he must cut contact with not only me but his children as well. I've wondered if this sister as a mother could do something. I can't imagine that anyone with small children would think that it was a remotely good idea but of course her loyalty ultimately lies with OW and I'm sure she'd put on the performance of a lifetime over it. I just ache for my poor kids over this...


"See that no one repays another evil with evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another"

Posts: 133 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
popitdaddy
Member
Member # 37502
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

happydays ,
Its strange you should mention that....
The OM's sister is a record keeper at the local police station and I was going to send her copy directly to her work!
Maybe I should report my activities to the police beforehand just so I have made the first preemptive move in case his cousins or friends decide to slash my tires or something....
thought about posting him on one of those cheating websites as someone who'll willingly fuck a married woman with children.
Hey, I don't mind making an enemy outta someone I just worry about the close-knit "brotherhood" family aspect of his Hispanic family and whether I'd be 'picking a fight' with all of them.


Me(38) - BH
Her(37) - XWW
Kids - 2
Married: 15 yrs
D-DAY: 10-23-2012
Length of A: [depends on what day you ask her]
Divorced

Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: NW Arkansas
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

happydays ,
Its strange you should mention that....
The OM's sister is a record keeper at the local police station and I was going to send her copy directly to her work!
Maybe I should report my activities to the police beforehand just so I have made the first preemptive move in case his cousins or friends decide to slash my tires or something....
thought about posting him on one of those cheating websites as someone who'll willingly fuck a married woman with children.
Hey, I don't mind making an enemy outta someone I just worry about the close-knit "brotherhood" family aspect of his Hispanic family and whether I'd be 'picking a fight' with all of them.

Yes, if you are anticipating trouble then, it'll be a good move to inform the local law enforcement authorities and keep them in the loop. It sends out a message that you are covered in case the "brotherhood" tries something heroic.

I'm not very positive about the family giving some 2X4 to the 23 year old but the focus will shift away from you.

So expect very little to happen and focus on your wife after the letters go in the mail box.

Best of luck.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 38