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User Topic: Any BS regret divorcing?
SoyLatte
Member
Member # 37634
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

Sorry, I made a mistake on the first post, I meant BS not WS.

Either because you wish you would've saved the marriage, or because it is more miserable now than before? Like ex still being a jerk with the kids and other issues?


Me: BS, 50
Him: WH, 49, serial cheater and compulsive liar, possible SA and NPD
Married 17 years, together 26
3 kids: 10, 13, and 15
Was afraid to confront while overseas, now home safely and can decide next step

Posts: 250 | Registered: Nov 2012
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

I'm not divorced yet but I don't regret S.

IMO unless there is true remorse you cannot have True R and you can't stay married without being miserable for another 1, 2, 5, 10 - 20+ years unless you have True R.

There's a saying here that you shouldn't expect in S/D what you didn't get in your M.

The same can be said in reverse - what you're getting in S/D is almost exactly what you'd be getting in your M albeit delivered differently.

S hasn't changed who I am fundamentally - I still have the same values, I still hold the same levels of dignity and integrity. I still treat others with respect (even though I may say not nice things). Fundamentally I'm the same. If anything these positive traits are magnified in me now.

monster is unfortunately still the same too. I just didn't see it until we were S. Its delivered in a different way but he's still has lacks values, he still lacks dignity and integrity, there is still that very same lack of respect for himself, his children or for me.

The hardest part of seeing who they really are is believing what you're seeing. I'm still finding it hard to believe it but its there, clear as day. I can no longer deny it nor find excuses for it.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5561 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:14 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

I regret that he ever put me and the children in this position that required us being divorced.

Being divorced is not something I ever wanted but the choices he made and continues to make left me no other option but to divorce him.

He was in such a hurry to divorce me in the beginning that once the waiting period was up he did nothing to start the divorce process, so he forced my hand and I proceeded and got it done. I didn't want to wait around another few years to be free.

He was in such a hurry to marry the OW in the beginning, that now that he can he doesn't seem to be so much in a hurry now


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

Nope. Like Bluebird, I regret the fact that he put me in this position. I wish I had married a good man instead of a broken one. I never wanted to be divorced (that just doesn't happen in my family.) I loved him, thought he was my best friend, and also thought I was insanely happy in my marriage.

However, being away from his constant negativity and dysfunction is fantastic. I didn't realize how bad things had gotten (frog in the boiling water) until I was away from him. And now I'm happier than I have been in years.

I honestly feel that very, very few WSs (as in less than 5%, probably closer to 1%) are able to work on themselves and eventually help rebuild a marriage where things are as good or better than they were before the A. I'm so happy that I don't have to live a life worrying if he's really working late, will I get an STD, or to suffer the devastation of another D-Day.

It hasn't been easy, but it's been worth it.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3363 | Registered: Dec 2011
sheila0304
Member
Member # 25041
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

Nope. No regrets.
I never wanted to be divorced therefore I put up with way too much nonsense for way too long.
edited to changed to to too.

[This message edited by sheila0304 at 7:05 AM, December 3rd (Monday)]


Posts: 1172 | Registered: Aug 2009
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

Nope. WS will never change, I'm glad I left. Life is hard, don't get me wrong, some ways waaay harder than before. But, on the flip side, I'm happier than I was before. I don't have to worry about what he is doing, I make my own decisions about my life, and I get to raise my children.

Overall, it is a win!


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4146 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

nope

he was a jerk while we were married. therefore it doesn't matter how he acts now. he's nicer but he was already a jerk so really nowhere to go but up.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

ďMany of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.Ē -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

Not at all. Now I know for sure what is going on in my life. There was none of that with a lying, manipultive, NPD man.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2682 | Registered: Jan 2010
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

Not at all. Now I know for sure what is going on in my life. There was none of that with a lying, manipultive, NPD man.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2682 | Registered: Jan 2010
Dadof2
Member
Member # 28023
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

Let me see...ummm...nope.


A bad marriage is just like a bad investment, cut you losses and exit and don't look back because there's always a better investment opportunity lurking around the corner.

Posts: 767 | Registered: Mar 2010
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

No way!

I regret getting married in the first place though, does that count?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13748 | Registered: Jul 2011
ManBearDivorce
Member
Member # 36258
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

No regrets. Like others say I never wanted my family like this but it has to be for me to be happy again. I wasn't the best husband but that dont mean you could do the worst thing in the world. I rather they have me killed then go through this again. I know what death is but a heart ache hurts so damn much. The only regret was not knowing about these kind of behaviors before hand.

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: St.Paul Minnesota
944man
Member
Member # 22077
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

Nope. Everytime i have to deal with her i am so thankful i don't have to deal with her psycho azz full time


43 and loving it

Posts: 2320 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: US
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

Nope, nadda, no way, never, etc....and if that isn't clear enough, HELL NO


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13756 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
crushedheart09
Member
Member # 28573
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

(frog in the boiling water)

^^ That analogy is so very true looking back!

Life is just so much better now overall, even compared to the last decade of my M before her A. If I had not D'd her I would still be living in her NPD zombie land

[This message edited by crushedheart09 at 8:58 AM, December 3rd (Monday)]


M 28 years
D 3/2011

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2010
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

No, I had no choice, he was with someone else and not coming back.

I regret not divorcing earlier but I was so committed to the marriage and to being a martyr in the marriage, i didn't consider it.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5826 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

Nope.

I don't think he could trust himself to know what the truth was. I have no idea how he kept track of all of those lies.

My life is rock star awesome since I've been single. Seriously - I am that happy.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7660 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

No; he did me the biggest favor in the world. My life has been so much richer since the D.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20181 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Dawnie
Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

NOPE! I didnt realize how unhappy I was until I was away from him. I regret that I allowed myself to stay unhappy for so many years for the sake of my son. I am so much happier today then I ever was when I was married to him. Walking away from him and filing for divorce was hands down the hardest yet best thing that I have ever done for myself!


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 802 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

Not at all. I did everything *I* could to work on the marriage. But since it takes 2 people, it wasn't working.

My life is better now. So much better. I'm happy. My kids have a stable life. Their father isn't coming and going as he pleases. XH appreciates the time he gets with his sons now that it's limited.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4172 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

Nope, I never once regretted it. I won't lie - there were times I questioned if it was the right thing to do - but our lives are so much better now. I'm glad I did it.

And yes, ex-asshat is still an NPDish nimrod - he ignores half the banana bunch, irritates and upsets the other half and hasn't paid CS in about four years.

Even so, our lives still rock and never would have if I'd stayed with him.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, December 3rd (Monday)

No regrets about divorcing here. I know without a doubt that I did everything I could to try to save the marriage. But one person can't save a marriage by themselves.

and 3 years down the line, my life is a lot different than it used to be, and I'm a lot happier.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12150 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
hastostopright
Member
Member # 34474
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, December 3rd (Monday)

Not for one second. I am not saying that I donít get sad and miss what I thought I once had and know that I have a long way to go but I do not regret it for one second. I continually tell myself Ė I may not be where I want to be yet but it sure beats the hell she put me and my family through.


Me: BS 37
M: 2008
Multiple affairs
One Beatiful Child
D: 2012

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2012
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, December 3rd (Monday)

Resounding "No" here also.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3135 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, December 3rd (Monday)

Things are tough right now, both financially and with the kids' adapting and coping with the changes in their lives. And yet my answer (and theirs, by the way) is a resounding NO - no regrets.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25397 | Registered: Aug 2011
lux444
Member
Member # 30527
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, December 3rd (Monday)

Life is so much better now so no.


Cheat On A Good Woman and Karma Will Make Sure You End Up With The Bitch You Deserve!

Posts: 116 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Never Never Land
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, December 3rd (Monday)

NO.

Posts: 4703 | Registered: Dec 2009
need_hope
Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, December 3rd (Monday)

No. No regret about divorcing him.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1732 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, December 3rd (Monday)

NOPE! In fact, I'm rather enjoying being free of his bullshit.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4634 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Eranda
Member
Member # 6010
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, December 3rd (Monday)

My divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. Seriously.


My Blog: http://allofthewaystohell.com/

Posts: 4227 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: eastern PA
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, December 3rd (Monday)

No regrets. He did me a favor by cheating, because he was an ass to be married to, and I would have stuck it out and tried to make it work if he hadn't given me that out.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15233 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
risingfromashes
Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, December 3rd (Monday)

NO! I only regret I held on so long working hard for R while he was having a grand ole NPD party. I should have divorced in 2004 after the first Dday!


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1635 | Registered: Mar 2004
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, December 3rd (Monday)

no regrets
Another ex who is NPD so if I rode that crazy train it would just derail a few years later and I would have been physically injured (either STDs, being physically abused, or worse)

I disembarked when it was in the "A-station"

Sad to depart because I thought the end journey was a perfect M (it wasn't) but it's better then crashing later


Posts: 486 | Registered: Jun 2012
soverybetrayed
Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, December 3rd (Monday)

Absolutely NO! It wasn't until I walked away that I could see just how much abuse I had taken in trying to keep him happy in the marriage. I will never regret leaving a liar, cheater and wife abusing husband. I may have been able to get over the cheating but would never have gotten past the threats to hit or kill me. My exnpdwh will forever be a drunk, wife beating, serial cheater and he will only get worse with age. I feel sorry for the next woman that he sucks into his pit of souless npdism. She will be physically abused as well as emotionally and verbally abused.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Texas
veritas
Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, December 3rd (Monday)

After forgetting how much of a nimrod he is and having to deal with him today because he claims to want to settle... hell to the naw! He did, however, put me in check, which caused me to recheck all of my calculations. The piddling amount he acted the donkey over is 10 times less than what I am entitled to. I look forward to thanking him.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10168 | Registered: Feb 2004
iamasurvivor
Member
Member # 29728
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, December 3rd (Monday)

I didn't have much choice! He walked out on his family and never looked back.

I have found it hard at times to believe that I was married for 25 years to a man who thoughts so little of his family.

It has not been easy, but now that I now what kind of person he really is, I am much better off. After he left I have found out many details and did not have any regrets when I filed.

Someday I hope to say that I am really happy!

He did give me two great kids. They have made everything I have gone thru so worth it.


I will come out stronger!

Posts: 254 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: iowa
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, December 3rd (Monday)

No. He was sucking the life out of me. I feel sad for my kids (and in the early days, I was tempted to stay just for them), but I know that they would have grown up in a very unhappy household had we attempted to stay together.

I feel like I can breathe again, and the day when my D is final can't come soon enough!


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3606 | Registered: Oct 2011
clralb
Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, December 4th (Tuesday)

No, I had no choice, he was with someone else and not coming back.
I regret not divorcing earlier but I was so committed to the marriage and to being a martyr in the marriage, i didn't consider it.

^^^^THIS^^^


"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."
Buddha

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
exhausted lady
Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, December 4th (Tuesday)

I wasn't married to the dipshit, (thank GOD!) but I will never regret that moment when I finally came to my senses.

I was cooking dinner, he was ragging on my ass about yet another minor detail that (in his opinion) was all my fault. I shut off the stove, looked at him, and said "I can't do this anymore, you need to leave".

He was here for about another month until he got off his butt and found another place to live - and that was a month of NPD, PA hell, but he finally did move out. He didn't have much choice....I had listened to my gut and NOT married him. I didn't let him pressure me into putting his name on the deed to my house, and I was in the position to tell him to get the f out.

I am sooo sorry I didn't do it years sooner! My life is so much better without him!


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3168 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, December 4th (Tuesday)

My XH was emotionally abusive. I am grateful every day that I am free- that I no loner walk on eggshells in order to please someone who had me convinced that I was shit because HE could never be happy.

Being cheated on after years of abuse may have felt at first like adding insult to injury, but the truth is if he had not gotten bored of me and moved onto someone else, I might still be his victim.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49480 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
FoggyDay
New Member
Member # 36527
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, December 4th (Tuesday)

Oh how much I want to be where all of you are! I am in a terrible place right now and I wish I knew there are better places in my future.


Me - BW 47
Him - WH 47
2 kids in college
d/day July 2012


When you're going through hell - keep going.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Virginia
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, December 4th (Tuesday)

I'm still sad about it (only a few months out from DDay and the papers were just filed with the court today) but no, I do not regret it. When she was unhappy, she treated me terribly and there was nothing I could do until she snapped out of it (some sort of seasonal depression, I believe) and she is a serial cheater.

I do, however, regret not filing right after DDay and letting the chips fall where they may. I was a mess and terrified of the prospect of life without her. Now I'm looking forward to the divorce being finalized (60 days!), the short sale of our house and starting my new beginning.


Posts: 1688 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, December 4th (Tuesday)

I regret a lot of things about my relationship with him, but not the ultimate result of divorce. It had to be. I didn't have a choice. He was going to eat cake for as long as I let him and I couldn't live like that for very long. I held out hope for a long time that he would come to his senses father I filed, but that never happened.

Looking back, i would never ever want to have coffee with him again, let alone rebuild any sort of relationship. He disguised himself very well. He looked like a man, spoke like one, and acted like one. But he's no man. Men kill and die for their families. Men have integrity and compassion. Men don't purposely destroy others for their own personal gain. Men dont steal the family money to fuel self destructive habits like gambling and affairs. And, real men don't leave their children to cry at night and wonder why dad didn't want to live with them anymore.

So, do I regret divorcing that pseudo man who turned out to be nothing but a lying, cheating, conflict avoidant sack of shit? Nope.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2803 | Registered: Jan 2011
Guss
New Member
Member # 39113
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

I am a BH. I have gone through this very old thread as part of my own research as I am currently struggling with R. Out of curiosity, I observe that most posting here are divorced BW's It would be great to hear accounts of divorced BH's, just to get their perspective.

Guss


Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2013
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

Divorcing was and remains an emotional and financial disaster.

The only thing worse would have been pretending I had a wife and mother to our children.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

I have zero regret for asking for, pursuing, and completing the divorce. If anything, I wish I had done it earlier. I am happier, much less stressed out, and genuinely more fulfilled in life in general. I hadn't realized how much my ex drained me - he was an added burden, not a partner. I managed the household, worked, and couldn't rely on him for anyything. I constantly stressed over what he would say/do next, if he was cheating again (probably), and dealing with his insane family.

People who didn't even know my ex comment on how great I look these days - that my confidence is palpable.

I did try to save the marriage, I had some doubts in the process, but now I know it was 100% the right decision.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
ExposedNiblet
Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

Absolutely not.

I wish I would have known how fulfilling and rich life could be without XH.

My only regret is staying in the marriage as long as I did.


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Dobegirl
Member
Member # 41837
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

Nope. Although not divorced yet, I don't regret filing. I do however regret taking 17 months to get there. Wished I would have done it right after Dday.

I just didn't want accept it was a dealbreaker for me. I finally believe him for who he truly is. Lyer, cheater, drug addict, manipulator, boy stuck in a man's body. A very, very broken man. He is a train wreck. And things would never be the same.


Me- BS 44 Always faithfull
Him- WS 44
2 mo. EA/PA with 25 yr. old slut that stroked his ego, online profiles, CL ads
Married 8 years-No kids together
DDay-11/21/12
False R many different times fromJan/13 till Dec/13
Divorcing

Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northern Indiana
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, April 14th (Monday)

No regrets.....at all. I am 100% confident it was the right decision. She had no remorse. As it is often said here, no remorse means no R. Interestingly, the advice also given here so often - "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." ...turned out to be good advice, because two years post divorce, she still has no remorse and continues to rationalize her choice to betray me as being justified.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
GotPlayed
Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, April 14th (Monday)

Being sad about it because you''re grieving, and having regrets are two different things.

I grieve. A lot. But I know it''s the right decision, because WW is not coming to her senses.

I can forgive the thief without letting her back into my house. The consequences of what she did are divorce, so I''m going through the motions. Fairly, sadly and without emotion. The anger is gone. The sadness remains.

I keep a relationship with my children. I see them half the time. If I had lost them, I would regret that. But I didn''t. I''ll continue to care for them, and I''ll never lose contact with them. The "absent daddy issues" of the women of this family stops this generation, thank you very much.

If she changes I''m open to reconciliation. But she would have to do everything I asked her to do from day one. She never has been committed to recovery. I believe hers was one of those "exit affairs". Deluded, conflict-avoidant, she did what she knew I couldn''t forgive, because she had it too good to justify being unhappy. Now she''s unhappy anyway, without me. Until she fixes that, she''ll never be ready to recover. And she''d have to fix all that before I find someone else to share my life with - I won''t rush it, but I''m not waiting on her account. So it would take a miracle.

On my end, I know I made the right decision. I keep my dignity, and give a good example to my children, which they don''t understand now but they will eventually. I''m a much better man and father than the basket case I''d be if I was putting up with that kind of behavior. And I see myself having a full emotional recovery. I feel less horrible every day, bit by bit. My future is bright, and I''m looking forward to it.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 740 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
bigskyblues
Member
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, April 14th (Monday)

Not at all. At the time I would have given anything to be able and try to R, in my situation I never had the opportunity to try.I know now (mainly from all the knowledge I have gained from SI)that xww in all likelihood could not have made the changes she needed to. At best I would have sentenced myself to a life of doubt. Not a good way to live!

Now that I have moved on I have met someone that is just so much more giving than I had ever experienced.

Life is good!

BSB


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!


Posts: 241 | Registered: Sep 2012
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, April 14th (Monday)

Divorced BH here too. My D was final only a few weeks ago although I S from XW more than 2.5 years ago.

Life is more complicated, busier and in lots of ways harder than before. I miss having my family around me. I hate the hurt it caused and still causes my kids, and others around me.

I don't regret completing the D. I am sad that it came to this, but I was left with no choice. WXW chose OM. Pure and simple. The final irony is that the D completed three months after the end of her relationship with him.

So now I rebuild my life. Much of that is exciting, and some of it scary, and I am really still feeling my way. I like being in charge of myself again though.


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 14th (Monday)

My XH was emotionally abusive. I am grateful every day that I am free- that I no loner walk on eggshells in order to please someone who had me convinced that I was shit because HE could never be happy.

Being cheated on after years of abuse may have felt at first like adding insult to injury, but the truth is if he had not gotten bored of me and moved onto someone else, I might still be his victim.

All I can add to that is also being verbally and mentally abused in my case. Now I know which one of us was always the pos. I only regret that I didn't question more and think more of me. I might have been the one to file and the grounds would have been, "Adultery".


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2332 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
betrayedidiot
Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I hope I don't come to regret filing for D. Sometimes I feel a little worried and guilty that I didn't even try, but I just did not have the stomach to put in the work that I knew would be needed. I feel like maybe I'm not a forgiving enough person. Some days I feel completely confident I made the right choice. I guess only time will tell.


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
TrustedHer
Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Ok, Guss, you wanted more BH's.

During the process, especially the first few months, I was second-guessing myself all the time. It was during the broken time, the emotional time, the time my head KNEW I needed to divorce, but my heart kept dragging me backwards.

Now? With all the perspective I've gained, I am thrilled I listened to my head and not my heart.

You mention struggling with R. My decision that D was the right course is not YOUR decision. Only you can make that.

Likewise, your decision to D or not is separate from your WS's actions.

On SI, it is often said that R can only happen if the WS heals, does the work, commits to the marriage, etc. But even then, the A is still a dealbreaker for some BS's.

And that's ok. It's your life to live, and you need to live it on your terms.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5157 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
justabrokendream
Member
Member # 3075
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, April 14th (Monday)

F NO

Posts: 306 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
risingfromashes
Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I only regret that I hung on to the M for so long.


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1635 | Registered: Mar 2004
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Hellllll no!

Although a divorce was the absolute last thing I ever wanted.. I seriously hung on to the broken marriage with a death grip... I can say with 100% honesty that I am so so happy being divorced!

I am free from his selfish behaviors (silent treatment, inability to share emotions with me, no interest in things that I enjoyed, always all about his needs/wants).

I am in a much better place financially. I own a cute home in the same neighborhood we were in as a family, so my children are happy and didn't need to change schools or friends. My house is just perfect for us. I got my dream job and love what I do every single day!

I am so much better emotionally!! I have met the most adorable, generous, kind man. He so also a BS, and understands my feelings and worries. We have a deep and intimate emotional connection that I never ever had with the Dooosh. It is amazing, and SO and I both say how "lucky" we are to have had this happen to us-- because we found each other as a result.

I am so much better physically! I feel happy, and it shows. My friends are always telling me how happy I look, how pretty I look, that my overall self just seems to be great!

So, hell no.. No regrets. He did me a favor being a doosh. I never would have left him if he had not killed our marriage by cheating. I am free to live the happy and fulfilled life I was meant to!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3586 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I have to say how encouraging this is to read. If you asked on the general board of those BS's who stayed, I'm betting more than half would say they regret it. I could be wrong but I doubt it.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I'm sorry that he is a coward and too lazy to do the hard work on himself. I'm sorry that he is a morally bankrupt POS.
He was supposed to be served the change from LS to D papers today, but he is avoiding service...who the hell knows why when he insisted I made him miserable almost our entire M and he wants a D.
I'm sorry I ever married his ass. I am still grieving the death of MY M...he was in a different M, obviously.
But regret filing....nope!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2238 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I didn't have a choice. He was going to eat cake for as long as I let him


me too. 3 years out it's finally being settled. No way I could continue being treated like that


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1748 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Absolutely no regrets. The further away from the D I get, the more I find out that my entire 24 year M was a complete sham. Info I was provided yesterday confirmed the supposition.

IMHO it is best to move on.


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9177 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Dadtryingtocope
Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Do I regret that my family isn't still together? Yes. Do I regret that I had to D that thing that use to be my spouse. No.

I am the same as many others here. I was doing all the work, she was running around getting drunk and having her fun and cake eating a perfect little life for her. At my expense. Hell she still is living her dream life at my expense, just monetarily now. But she doesn't have me and someday she'll realize what she lost.

The icing on the cake was the day she tried to appologize and then explained that she had been pretending to be someone she was not for many years. She explained I wouldn't like who she is in real life. At this point I certainly can't argue with that. Would of been nice to know that a whole lot sooner.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 536 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
Hoops
Member
Member # 22721
Default  Posted: 3:45 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

No.

I regret not getting out sooner. I never wanted to get divorced and was willing to do whatever it took but he wasn't. I can only control myself and should have left as soon as it was clear that was how it was going to be.

Life is short and not worth wasting it on someone who isn't going to treat me well and be just as committed.

I am remarried and walked into this one with my eyes wide open. I dont believe it couldnt happen to us because it could. If we aren't as committed or find we are happy later on we are both free to go. We have a prenup so it is all pretty clear.

Ironically this is a great relationship because we both want to be here and want to do what it takes. There is so much more respect and we work very well together. It is a partnership, something I know was missing in my first marriage. I learned a lot and I am not repeating history but I also don't want anyone to stay with me if they are not happy, and I won't stay in something that is not healthy. It isn't perfect, nothing is, but we work together and enjoy each other. This alone is far more then my marriage was. But I think I may have been riding the unicorn over the rainbow the first time.

There are no unicorns or rainbows.

Ironically this is the best relationship of my life. We are more open, have more respect and work more as a team then ever before.


BW (Me) 44
W(ex)H 46 .... SA, Alcoholic, compulsive liar
DD 12-03-08
Divorced: 9-14-10
Now: Happily married to a great guy who has the same birthday as my DD! Ironic. Now it is just my husband's birthday.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Va
sadcat
Member
Member # 8637
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

NO


I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

If this isn't what I consider soulmate crap, I don't know what is.


Posts: 13246 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: GA
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Suspicious  Posted: 8:47 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

I hate it for my kids that have divorced parents.
It's worsened by x and owife's hatred and distrust of me. I HATE that he still has control over my life.

I hate being financially poor while he enjoys a fat salary.

I hate having to scrimp and save, make my teens clean their rooms and do their own dishes while he takes them on expensive shopping excursions for fun, and allows them to miss school for no reason other than his and/or owife's convenience.

I hate single parenting while trying desperately to improve my financial situation by working full time and attending school.

I love not having to deal with him and his moods, emotional abuse, road rage and low maturity level.

I like that he has less influence in molding our teens' personalities,values, and integrity because they see him just once a month.

Overall I don't regret divorcing. It's been a never ending hell, yet the positives outweigh all of this other sh*t.


Posts: 4703 | Registered: Dec 2009
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Itís almost scary looking back on my thought process during limbo/false R. One of my main considerations for staying was ďbetter the devil you know.Ē To think that I would have latched on to something that was admittedly terrible for fear of the unknown is mind boggling. Self reliance is amazing and Iím fairly certain Iím not a devil

Posts: 3388 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
time2grow
Member
Member # 35983
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Nope. . . D was final almost 3 1/2 years ago and the one thing i do regret is iíll never trust anyone wholeheartedly again.

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Missouri
Klove
Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 18th (Friday)

This is so encouraging:

Divorcing was and remains an emotional and financial disaster.
The only thing worse would have been pretending I had a wife and mother to our children
.

Yes. For me husband and father. I just couldn't be a plan b anymore and couldn't be someone's lowest priority.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
LisaBrandNew
Member
Member # 30522
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

No regrets. It was a necessary end to not just a marriage, but a way of being in the world. The D was a catalyst to heal old wounds and someday that will bring me to a better, healthier, more mature love.


Finally living the life I was meant to live.

Posts: 806 | Registered: Dec 2010
Guinness23
Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

I regret that he ever put me and the children in this position that required us being divorced.
Being divorced is not something I ever wanted but the choices he made and continues to make left me no other option but to divorce him.

I regret having to be forced into a divorce because of his actions. I regret losing EVERYTHING and be financially scared I have turned to booze for a solution (its not )

I DON'T regret the finality of his leaving because I knew in a lightbulb moment that I could NEVER EVER trust him and be a walking lie-detector wasn't what I wanted for the rest of my life. I also knew that I could NEVER EVER let him touch me again. They talk about hysterical bonding. I could NEVER do that! I could NEVER EVER NOT see him sticking his dick into her or her blowing him and him doing other "stuff." NEVER. EVER. He so disgusted me.

THEN there was the fact that she got pregnant. I am sorry but there hasn't been ONE DAY since finding out of the OC that would ever want him back.

All sales final.


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 525 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

I did everything I could to save the marriage. I don't regret any of it. I do believe to this day that the marriage and family could have been saved had he put an ounce of effort into R, that is not my regret to bear.
I have learned and grown so much that I can say the experience has been very enlightening and empowering for me. I would not have chosen this but I have made the most of the outcome.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1756 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, April 25th (Friday)

I never wanted to be divorced and I did everything I could to save the marriage. I am sad for my children and I am sad that I've ended up here but I had no say in it. No choice at all.

I can see that she was broken and nothing I did could change that so I am glad that I filed for D so early. I am glad that I pushed and pushed to get the D completed as soon as possible.

I don't regret divorcing her because I can now see it was the lesser of two evils. I'm actually glad she never offered me the chance to reconcile. That would have been even more painful.

My life is much better in many ways. I miss what I thought I had but I can also see that I was the prize, not her.

I am a better father to my boys and a stronger man than I ever felt possible. I am free of her (barring the house transfer and pensions) and women are giving me a lot of attention.

It's mostly all good


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 689 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 73