Just Found Out
User Topic: What Now?
Member # 37752
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, December 13th (Thursday)

My DD was Oct. 18th.
I am 43, WS is 44. OW is 23. H and I went through four years of fertility treatments, and the loss of a set of twins. This year, in June the transfer worked. I was pregnant.

He started PA with her in early July. He had been EA with her already since May. She was his junior reporter in his office. He took house sitting jobs in the town he worked in, as it is over an hour to where we live in the country. He said it would save us money each month. He took our V.W camper.

He confessed in October, because she was pregnant, emotionally unstable and freaking out. She had come out to our farm where I was on medical bed-rest to tell me numerous times. He interceded, and had sex with her in multiple locations in our town, and neighborhood. Including our home.

He gave me an assortment of her clothes, as I knew her from work and she was clearing out her closet and thought I would like some of them. I wore them. He Skyped his parents, broadcasting my baby bump while I wore one of her shirts. He was so happy.

She has photographs of my farm animals, pets. She has photos of the inside of our camper, the flowers he gave her. Of him goofing off in her apartment. He looks so happy in her pictures.

He ended it with her. And is trying to R with me, and I was too at the beginning.
We agreed to set up an email address that we both have access to to speak with OW about the baby, she even has phoned our home and I have been part of those conversations. But, he phoned her last Monday from his work. He told me about the conversation, but that does not seem to help me deal with it. She had miscarried a four month old fetus on Nov 27th. And he felt he had an obligation to her to speak with her about it.
I am in such a dark and lonely place.
I am severely depressed and on medication. I am unable to eat, sleep. I am failing the baby boy I carry inside of me.
I have no where to go. I spent MY life's savings, and cashed my RRSP's for the fertility treatments. $$$$

I just need to relate this story to "someone".
To know that 'someone" out there knows what I am going through that is not an IC or MC with a notepad.
Thanks for listening.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, December 13th (Thursday)


Oh my goodness, it sounds terrible for you right now. I know that it is hard right now, I have been there, but please try to force yourself to eat and drink for the sake of your baby. When he comes into the world and you finally get to meet him, you will see what true love is.

Have you told anyone in your family or friends about this? If you are on bed rest it is vitally important to have a strong support system.

It sounds like you're dealing with a "bunny-boiler". The OW is unstable and you most likely have not heard the last from her.

I am sure there are more people on SI who can give you better advice, I just wanted to let you know that you were heard.

Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz

Posts: 1139 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 36710
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, December 13th (Thursday)

No advice here I just wanted to tell you, I'm so sorry for what you are going through! I'm in tears reading your post. Please take care of yourself, you and your precious baby, stay strong.

Him WH

"For a minute there I lost myself"

Posts: 158 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, December 13th (Thursday)

First and foremost, please take care of yourself for your baby. I understand the enomous strain infertility can have on a marriage. I had my miracle baby when I had all but given up hope.
Your pregnancy hormones are raging, and the betrayal and hurt you are feeling must be magnified a million times over.
Keep track of your intake and make sure you consume what you need each day for the baby. This baby is your miracle and he needs to be your focus at this time.

BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 611 | Registered: Jul 2012
sinsof thefather
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, January 11th (Friday)

Littleleaf, Please try to make yourself and your health a priority right now. You are not the one failing your little boy - you aren't the one who put yourself in the position you now find yourself in. That's why I say make you and him your priority now. Once you have him in your arms you won't feel so lonely. I hope your husband is now focused on supporting YOU.

Please know that you can always come here to be heard. This is an amazing place filled with so many caring people, and there will always be someone on line to listen and support you. You can 'let it all out' anonymously and release some pressure anytime you need to. Please use us if you can.

I'm just feeling so much for you after reading your post. I really wish I could offer you more than a virtual hug ((((Littleleaf)))) but please know you and your little one are in my prayers.

...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, January 11th (Friday)


My heart goes out to you. My DD25 was told she'd never have children. She too had 2 rounds of IVF - the first one resulted in a miscarriage at 10 weeks - a little girl. The second resulted in my GD, who will be a year old on 2/3. She too had complications and every day was so scary. I cannot imagine dealing with this on top of what your WH did.

Did you know for an absolute fact that OW was pregnant? Many OW fake pregnancy and then a miscarriage. Sick, yes...especially that you know how it really feels to have angel babies. They even go so far as to use fake ultrasound pictures to show the "father" so he will believe her...some even pad themselves and when they get to the point where they cannot do that anymore and get away with it, the "miscarriage" happens.

As the other posters said, PLEASE take care of you and your precious miracle son. Take this one day at a time.

NO MORE CONTACT should be a part of your deal. You are giving him a gracious gift - the gift of reconciliation.

Are you and he in IC/MC? If he is truly remorseful, he will no longer contact her in any way. A NC letter should be written, with you present and sent, with you present.

You are not failing. Your WH failed you. He needs to make it right...he needs to care about his son and therefore do what is best to help you heal.

Finally, congratulations! Try to revel in the miracle that has been bestowed on you. Keep posting vent, to seek hugs, for whatever reason you want to. We're here for you.

Big hugs,


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
New Member
Member # 38067
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, January 11th (Friday)

Hi Littleleaf
Im sooo sorry to hear what your going through. I understand this is a very trying time for you and we are all here to support and encourage you.
Please take care of yourself and lil one. I know what you mean by not being able to eat and sleep as it is exactly what happens to me. But please eat and sleep for the pure fact that for many years you have treid for this lil bundle of joy to come forth and now that you have the joy of feeling him grow inside you, dont let any WS or stray dog get in the way of your love and nuture for yourself and lil one. You are the winner at the end of the day.
We are all here to encourage and support you so please feel free to drop in anytime for a chat to us all.
Many well wishes for the future littleleaf and lil bundle bundle of joy :)

Suck it up, Pee it out and Flush it away forever

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Sydney, Australia
Member # 37752
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, January 25th (Friday)

Thank You

Thank you for posting back to me...I am doing better now. I am being flown from our small town hospital to a large center today.
Turns out WH and OW infected me with a sti in the first tri mester - complications for baby now
Will not know extent of damage until baby boy is born.

Been VERY hard feeling any joy about this...he kicks and rolls around inside of me and I get annoyed. I pray this will change once he is in my arms...

Yes, we are sure she was pregnant. Dr. appointments, and then a collapse at the door of emergency ending in a womb scrape and blood transfusions.

What a f*ckin mess. OMG.
All because he needed his wick licked ! God.

We did have a NC agreement. He just broke it.

Considering D, just because his actions were so cruel - and I am in need of division from the sh*t and the Joy to Come.
Thank you again for posting - you have no idea how lonely and afraid I have been...
I look forward to your posts.
Littleleaf and Babyleaf

Posts: 80 | Registered: Dec 2012
New Member
Member # 37832
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, January 25th (Friday)

My heart is breaking for you (((((((((Littleleaf))))))))

Me BS 49 (in IC)
Him WS 51 (in IC)
OP whore in process of divorce 34
M 7 yrs (MC coming soon)
A 7 wks
DDay 12.15.12
NC 12.17.12
R working on it

I never knew real pain until this happened

Posts: 28 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Indiana
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, January 25th (Friday)

Turns out WH and OW infected me with a sti in the first tri mester - complications for baby now

OMG I am SOO angry for you! And so sorry.

Whether you D or not, IMHO, you should talk to an attorney...they have endangered your child - perhaps it's the reason for her loss? If she knew she was infected (him too) and did not inform you, I would think you would have legal recourse because this is not only giving you emotional distress, but it is costing you money for tests, monitoring the baby, etc.

He broke NC and talked to OW? Oh HELL NO! I'd be on the phone to an attorney. Even if you don't divorce, get the ball rolling so he knows you mean business. I know you're on bedrest; is there anyone you can talk to who can help you with taking care of legal stuff?

Gosh, I am just beside myself with anger and sadness for you - I wish I had words of comfort. I do have a ((((HUG)))) for you.


[This message edited by Lalagirl at 11:03 AM, January 25th (Friday)]

Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, January 25th (Friday)

OMG...My heart just bleeds for you right now and what you are and have been going through. Just when I think I have heard it all, then I see that there are poor souls out there dealng with a whole lot worse. Please know that you and your baby boy are in my prayers. I so hope everything turns out OK for you and your precious baby.

You need to only concentrate on your baby right now. Everytime he enters your mind, say FU. You need to try and keep him away from you for now, until the baby is born. You do not need the added stress of him and his issues. Bar him from the hospital and your life and concetrate on having a healthy baby. I know you are lonely right now and I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. Please post often and anytime you are feeling lonely, just send a post and someone will respond. God be with you!!!! (((HUGS))))

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 31622
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, January 26th (Saturday)

I am in tears for you right now and your baby boy. I read in your profile you have even attempted suicide, is that right? That devastates me even more because this is your moment in life, your about to become a mother. What they did was despicable and cruel. She definitely sounds like a prize: mentally and emotionally unstable, has 0boundaries, a slut who will sleep with anyone (did he think he was so amazing that if he left she'd leave all that behind and just be witb him? Haha, so pathetic it's laughable) , manipulative, evil (taking pics of your home and life and posting them, wtf?!, moral less, etc. seriously fucker?! I asked my wh if that was the kind of woman he wanted to devote a life to. He said at first he thought she just loved him so much that she wouldn't do that to him. Really? Your her 4th A while MARRIED, that doesn't even include her before the wedding cheating. He said "well she hates her BH." Funny, because she told me the only thing she wanted the entire time she was having an A with you (1freaking mnth) was her BH. Sad isn't it, that they would give their entire world away for someone most will admit in the end they wouldn't want to apend their life with.

My heart goes out to you and your baby boy. My baby girl was having a birth defect corrected while WH was cheating. He was sharing pics of my baby girl with that slut and once he text me that she waa upset I didn't bring the baby in so that she could hold her.....she had 103 fever dumbass! I will probably never forgive him for using her as a way to get in more with a whore. I will have a hard time forgiving him for destroying the kids safety and for the very clear emotional damage he caused our kids. I just can't fathom intentionally harming the 3 most important people to me. Sick.

Message me anytime. I can give you my email privately too if you'd like. This is an incredibly lonely place to be, especially when people just don't understand the pain your in. I am praying for you and thinking about you. I am so sorry.


Traumatized, but I'm headed forward towards the light.

I wish you enough ....

Posts: 468 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: mangledmom
Member # 37752
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)

Thank-you for your responses. I am NOT completely alone in this mess!!
Am now hospitalized for hypertension, and more testing on baby boy...who appears to be healthy with out physical defects.
WS is 8 hours away, working.
He says he cries about all of this when I am not there, on the way to the empty house blah blah blah
but he does show any where near that kind of emotions when we are together - talking about all this shit. I told him that he is lying about it.

We have discussed divorce, and the transfer of house and property and vehicle to me, along with spousal and child support.

He has agreed to it all.
Which makes me
The 180 are hard to do when you can not get out of bed...

I will let all you Angel's know how baby boy is ...

Oh latest good news - WH phones me in hospital - our funds have been frozen - everything :(
It just gets better and better.....

Posts: 80 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)

Why would your funds be frozen? sounds like he is pulling a fast one. Time t protect yourself. Is anyone able to watch your home, is he emptying it of contents?

Take care of you and baby, try to remain calm. I wish I could kick his *ss for you.

BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time." Bionical girl

Posts: 2970 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
sinsof thefather
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)

and more testing on baby boy...who appears to be healthy with out physical defects.

Littleleaf I am so happy and relieved to see that your little boy seems to be healthy now. You and your baby have been in my thoughts and prayers. Keep taking care of yourself and him.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 12:50 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Member # 37752
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, February 3rd (Sunday)

Physically baby is fine - whether he becomes deaf or blind or challenged as he gets older...?
The doctors have run all the tests, and done all that they can do. It is with the creator now. I am focused on eating, preparing and healing.
Thank you everyone for being out there for me to rant and rave to...86 days since DD.
Baby due any minute now...
but hopeful

Posts: 80 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, February 3rd (Sunday)

Crying for you. I'm so sorry. Please take good care of yourself. That little one will need you and you need him.

D Day May 27, 2012

Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 37884
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, February 3rd (Sunday)

Littleleaf, I am glad that you are in the hospital were you can be looked after. I was on bed rest at home and it was difficult let a lone going through what you are dealing with. My sister was on strict bedrest in the hospital in the high risk unit. It was hard but gave her a sense of piece knowing help was right there if anything went wrong. It was also difficult with her various room mates. Ask for a window bed if you do not have one. While you are there I would insist on your WH doing IC and reading lots of books on the subject of betrayal and how to help you recover from this. Whether you get a D or R he needs to change to be a good role model as a father. He needs to think about whether this is the type of man he wants his son to see him as. Take a lot of deep breathes and take care of yourself. Do whatever mindless thing you need to do to keep your mind off of this. You are suppose to be obsessing over the baby and talking none stop about your pregnancy like all the other pregnant moms. Not dealing with this shit.

Me: BS 45
Him: WH 45
DDay #1: 12/17/12; OW 47 married 23
DDay #2 2/1/13 EA 6 years ago for 2 weeks with a married college friend through FB
Married 18 years, together 21 years
3 kids; 7,13,16
R trying IC and MC

Posts: 243 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 38261
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)

Hope you are doing well. Please take care of yourself.

I don't say much but I lurk around a lot. Thank you for baring your souls here, you've said the words I couldn't find and you've helped me heal more than I can say.

Me - BS
Him - FWS, serial long term EAs

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)

You and babyleaf are in my prayers.

edited because I''m a klutz

[This message edited by Skan at 4:34 PM, February 26th, 2013 (Tuesday)]

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4810 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)

Hugs and kisses to both of you.

This is a travesty that never should have happened. But you will have your sweet little one and for that i am grateful.

Thinking maybe you should dump the big one who is not sweet.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)

Little leaf,

I hope your baby and you are safe and doing well. I'm praying for you and your baby son.

Try to think of this baby separate from the A and enjoy him like you dreamed you would when you planned this pregnancy.

Share your joy in having your new baby with someone who loves you. Do you have family or close friends you can talk to for love and support?

I can tell you are a very special lady. Don't ever feel like the fool, they are the fools and so cruel. They are broken. You do not have to stay with a broken man.

I believe you will make it whatever your choice may be. This DD was so recent. It takes all of us a very long time to heal. You are normal and have extra difficult circumstance.

Please write again. How are you and your Little Leaf doing?

Love and prayers.


Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 37752
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

Thank-you Everyone!

You have no idea the strength your posts and words of encouragement have bolstered me thru this mountain of b@llsh!t

Thank-you is NOT enough..

Me and baby are now home! It was a real rough time, he was premature, jaundiced, under weight - but oh so beautiful. I had emergency c-section, transfusion, and then had eclampsia :(. We both had immunology specialists go thru us with fine toothed combs..but it looks ok right now!

He is my brightness, this little one. I pray every day, that there will not be anything wrong with him as he grows. He is an innocent in this effing disaster!

WH and I are trying to R.

Although my view of R and WH view of R differs. I did not have anyone else to depend upon during this whole pregnancy but him.
And, he was here in body. But abscent in heart - if you know what I mean. He said it was because he felt like-such-a-shit.

No kidding.

We are still trying to R, but I am having serious doubts that I will EVER get over, let alone FORGIVE him for what he did to us.

~Sigh~ Perhaps it is just a stage I am going thru, I know everyone tells me NOT to jump ship and make major decisions.

And, realistically I could not of divorced and moved out these past 11 months anyways.

But, seriously is it just me or is there some stuff that a woman can simply NOT forgive?? Or am I shallow and selfish??

I no longer know myself - or have a clear grasp of what is true or false in this situation... :(

I am continuing to post and read SI, as you all are the only people who GET what I am going thru!

Hope you are all well, and progressing to awesomeness.

Littleleaf & Babyleaf

Posts: 80 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

It is possible to R without forgiveness...also - it depends on your definition of forgiveness. One definition is that you no longer want to exact punishment or revenge on the betrayer...well under that definition, I forgave my H very quickly. But I still hurt, I still cry and I have moments of anger still. Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget what happened.

A remorseful spouse makes forgiveness more likely...what is your H doing to help you heal? What message does his actions send? And do they still work together?

Congratulations on baby leaf!! I'm glad you have that little rainbow in your life right now!

Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Getting to Happy
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

(((((Littleleaf & Babyleaf)))))

WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Member # 37752
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

If any of you ares still out there, I just wanted you to know
Babyleaf is a beautiful pudgy disarmingly cute 20lbs of love.
He is perfect.
I am no longer in the marriage home.
I have been moving around with baby and suitcse in had for four months now.
I could not stand being there in that whore's house, with WH silent and holding secrets.
Moving toward D.
So, did not want this.
Did not want to be a single parent.
Did not want to raise Baby, in a broken family. (Again, raised two boys with estranged father - so many broken memories, broken little hearts, it just makes me cry and cry)
But, I am TRYING to get over this.
Right now I am being hit hard with postnatal depression.
WH is emotionally absent.
Still feel very alone, and now homeless and with out money.
Having very bad days, this laptop is my only outlet for all the garbage I feel inside.
thanks for listening

Posts: 80 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)


I am so sorry for you and all that you have been through. It is so unfair and heartbreaking.

Please know we are all here and praying for you.

You will get through this I promise. Have faith and know that we and God are here for you.

Hugs and prayers.

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1155 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I really have no words. I don't understand these men who risk getting OW pregnant. Do they have a lick of common sense??!!

I can't even feel sorry that the OW lost the baby (wow that makes me sound horrible). You are going to come through this and you will have a beautiful baby boy in your arms. She will have nothing, just what she deserves.

I will send you good thoughts and gentle hugs.

Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Oh! Sorry I just read your update. So happy you and your baby are together and healthy.

I certainly can't blame you for moving towards D, although I'm sad that your WH pushed to towards that decision.

I can't imagine being able to get past my WH endangering me and my unborn child. You are such a strong, strong woman.

Blessings to you on your journey

Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 29