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Just Found Out
User Topic: Facing the OM
popitdaddy
Member
Member # 37502
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, December 14th (Friday)

I really want to meet with my WW's OM and make him face me. I found his phone number and plan to call him and make him meet me at Starbucks for a little grown up talk. He has no idea that I know who he is or that I even know about the affair and I'm going to tell him that he's either going to meet me at Starbucks or have to face me at his work.

I want to ask him questions about the affair and get his story so that I can match it up with the answers from my WW but has anyone else ever done this and what other questions were you able to ask him or her? I know I want to ask other questions and I want all the answers I can get but not sure what else is wise to say or ask.

I also want to make sure he knows the jig is up and his activities are on my radar. If he meets me and has a decent attitude I might not send out the stack of letters to his family that I've got signed sealed.

Somebody talk me out of this if I need to be or share a similar experience maybe (?)


Me(38) - BH
Her(37) - XWW
Kids - 2
Married: 15 yrs
D-DAY: 10-23-2012
Length of A: [depends on what day you ask her]
Divorced

Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: NW Arkansas
vistainc
Member
Member # 37688
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, December 14th (Friday)

I would love to confront the OW face to face, but I know myself well enough to know that only one of us would be able to leave that meeting without assistance from the paramedics. Are you sure you can handle the emotions? Be honest with yourself. I know at this point the anger would consume me, but Iam still very early into this. Good luck and know I am sending you a prayer for guidance as you struggle with this decision!


Me BS 48
WH 53
4 Sons 26, 25, 23,18
D-Day 11/20/12

Posts: 153 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Western MA
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, December 14th (Friday)

I had the need to contact OW,and I did via telephone call (she lived clear across the country, had she lived closer who knows what I might have done in my state of mind ).

Be prepared for more lies, remember OM is not your friend, he does not have an obligation to be honest...he may very well be, but don't count on civil discourse. He's a cheater, too, and he will lie.

I would make the phone call first, don't be surprised if he refuses to meet you. I think your only recourse for some type of satisfaction is if you have proof he was conducting the A using company time/equipment, which would be a concern to his HR Dept.

BTW, OW was scared to death of me, knew I would not tolerate any BS, maybe that's the message you need to get across. Good luck.

[This message edited by annb at 7:38 AM, December 14th (Friday)]


Posts: 7516 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, December 14th (Friday)

I won't talk you out of it. Sounds like a plan to me.

Just don't do it like that.

Don't threaten to go to his work. That could backfire quickly as he'll spin the story with co-workers into you being batshit crazy and arranging for support, maybe even police, if you do show up.

If OM is married, plan the meeting and make it cordial. Like you just want to figure a few things out.

Have a nice friendly conversation (that's the hard part) then immediatley afterward out him to his wife. Make esure you have all her info and a communication line to her set up before the meeting just to make sure.

Then, out him to his employer, but only if you have proof the A was conducted on company time and with company rescources (phone, email, etc). A quick email with copies of docs would do.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 8:16 AM, December 14th (Friday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 627 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
BeenThereDunThat
Member
Member # 134
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, December 14th (Friday)

I wouldn't talk you out of it.

Look, these two thought it was perfectly fine to make all kinds of decisions FOR you and your marriage while they were in the affair. Decisions you had no hand in and no knowledge of.

Therefore, it's now YOU in the drivers' seat, calling the shots and making the decisions. Yup, there's a new sheriff in town.

I don't know if the OM is married or not, but I think your first gambling chip would be to calmly tell him he has a choice - he meets you at Starbucks on such and such a day and time, OR you'll bring all your proof to his wife and blow the lid off this affair.

If he's not committed to anyone and a threat to expose him to his immediate family doesn't hold any water, then your next gambling chip would be his workplace. I'd absolutely tell him that he has 2 choices - meet you OR deal with all his coworkers knowing what he's been doing.

Libel is the misrepresentation or falsfication of information about someone IN WRITING that can cause them damage. But if what you have on paper is TRUE (which it is) then it cannot be considered libel.

Because you know the little weasel will immediately threaten you that he'll sue you for libel. Tell him to look it up - it's not libel if it's true.

Let him know you've got him by the balls.

Don't show any weakness or he'll steamroll you. You simply tell him WHEN you want him to meet you and then you be sure to have the questions you want answered WRITTEN DOWN so you don't forget what it is you want to know from him. This type of thing can so easily go off track, so a nice, neat checklist will help you stay on point and accomplish what it is you're looking for.

And by all means, do NOT tell your wife your plan!!!

After you get all your answers and you're satisfied that the little puke has been honest with you, THEN I'd send the packet of proof to everyone in his family and/or his wife/girlfriend if he has one.

Remember - you're NOT obligated to keep their dirty little secret and if this weasel has a spouse, then the right thing to do would be to TELL her.

Good luck in your mission.


~BeenThereDunThat~
"....I could have missed the pain - but I'd have had to miss the dance..."

Posts: 2667 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Somewhere out there
32mor
Member
Member # 35105
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, December 14th (Friday)

You will not get what you want, I can assure you of that. You will want the truth, you will want it to match up with your WW story and possibly a few more details that you were not aware of, you will want him to apologize or at least feel like an idiot for what he's done to your family. You'll want to tell him to go away, or else!

You will get none of that. You will get a mouth full of lies and excuses. He and your WW will create their story and stick to it, no matter what. This was my experience from conversation with OM; it was pointless and left me that much more pissed off.

He knows the "jig is up" as your WW told him as much, you confronting him is not going to give you the answers you desire. I wouldn't threaten anything (sending letters to his family), I'd just do it. Yeah, I did that too.

Sorry man, I know that feeling, you want to control the situation and understand; but you won't get what it is that you are looking for.


Me: 41 BH
Her: 39 WW
Married 8 yrs, together 12
Two kids: 8 & 5
D-Day: 1/2012
A ended: 6/2012
False R and WW broke NC: 7/2012
D: 8/2012

You can't change the past.
Stop living in it.


Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Michigan
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, December 14th (Friday)

Popit,
Tfhink it through, he will know something is up if you insist on a meeting. He will either try to set up a confrontation in which you get to look like the bad guy. In one possible scenario he might try to manufacture your possible arrest, how cool could you stay if he started belittling you and your member, or your lack of ability in bed? He has NO respect for you whatsoever, he's doing your wife for goodness sakes. I drove 3 hours to find the POS and was fully prepared to get physical. I am glad it took that long, because it allowed me to realize that while the confrontation might be sweet(pound him into pudding) and answer some questions that I had, CHEATERS LIE!!! Whatever answers you might derive from your questioning are going to be half truths at best.
Think it through would you believe anything he said? He's going to be in CYA mode. Believe me, we all still have questions about what really happened with/to our spouses. Short of providing audio/video evidence, there will never be a satisfactory long term answer to what you so desperatly need to know.
Sorry JMHO


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2797 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, December 14th (Friday)

Will this be something that will help you move past the A, or is it more of a control play so that you feel like you have some power?

The OM is just as selfish and narcissistic as your WW. Unless he didn't know your WW was married chances are he'll lie or manipulate the situation. He may even have his buddies waiting in the parking lot for you. Be prepared for all contingencies and expect the worst. Have an exit plan. And even more importantly, know your emotional limits.

I can understand wanting the upper hand in the situation since OM and WW took away your sense of safety and security in your relationship. But don't put yourself in a position to potentially lose even more.

Now is the time to take care of yourself and do whats best for you.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
ciaobaby
Member
Member # 34307
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, December 14th (Friday)

For what it's worth - he wont care and he wont tell you the truth. You're better off outing him to his wife and work. It took me a year to do it and I was scared to death to - but oh how they scuttle like cockraches in the light of the truth. And then they have consequences to face and that will give you a degree of satisfaction.


me - hopeful wife
him - a work in progress
10/26/11
Me: How did this happen?
Him: I don't know.
Me:Why?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Well did you trip over a footstool and your penis accidentally landed in her vagina?

Posts: 222 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: New York
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, December 14th (Friday)

I think this is a bad idea.

As others have said, he'll lie. He'll also minimize or try and flip the blame to you. He's try and get a rise out of you- can you control your temper with a man who has slept with your wife? Then what? Is a criminal record worth it? Or what if he takes the first swing and breaks you? Are the medical procedures worth it?

Your focus needs to be on your WW. What is she doing (not saying, DOING) to prove she's all in for R? If nothing, then there's your answer.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2021 | Registered: Sep 2011
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, December 14th (Friday)

I wouldn't depend on OM telling you anything about the A. I called OM after I found out. First night to ensure he knew I knew and that I would be telling his W. I then talked to him two days later to establish exactly how he was to proceed with his life as it pertained to my W and my family. No threats. Just made it clear what I expected from him. It was healthy and I think reasonable.

I would advise against the face to face...to many variables. The telephone conversation, IMO, can get the point across you want to make and mitigate extracurricular activities that may not play well long term.

take care..



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, December 14th (Friday)

Having personal experience with this myself I have to tell you that a face to face is a very bad idea.

It seems like it will make you feel better, but it won't. It does not change a thing. Except you can create more problems where you are already maxed out.

The OM could have been anybody. Your WW is where these feelings need to be directed towards. She did lie to you, cheat on you and bring this pain into your life. Chances are a scumbag like this will probably lie to you anyway. What do you expect from a pig, but a grunt, right ?

It was her choice. Her brokenness that brought you to this point in your life. He is just one of the details.

Do not engage him. You will feel very differently about this in the future. Trust me.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
faithfulfool
Member
Member # 34252
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, December 14th (Friday)

A while back I found a website (or maybe it was in a book), I wish I could find it again, but it was regarding letters/calls to the OM from a BH. It was shown side-by-side, with what the BH said versus what the OM would hear. It was a real eye opener for me, and kept me from contacting the OM.

The point was that the BH will come across sounding weak and pathetic at best, and at worst might serve as a signal that the WW would still be interested.

For example:

BH says: Stay away from my wife or [insert any threat here].
OM thinks: WW can't resist me.

BH says: You have caused much misery / damage to the marriage.
OM thinks: He is weak and pathetic, no wonder his wife would stray.

BH says: How many times? Where? When? etc.
OM thinks: He doesn't know everything, I will lie.

Anyway, I cannot re-create it as cleverly or as well written as the original. Maybe someone will know what I am talking about and post a link.

The point is, you really need to examine why it is you want to contact the OM. And remember, they are very much in the fog, very much in a different place, and a different mindset. He is unlikely to empathize with your situation. And you might send the wrong message. If you are looking for control, it will just show how out of control you actually are.

Additionally, I must caution you against meeting the OM in person. I know some people do, but for me, the urge to destroy the OM was overwhelming so close to DDay. I am not certain I would have been able to mantain control. What if he says something vulgar? Close to DDay I am sure I would have murdered the OM if I met him in person and he said something about my wife. Maybe you are more sure of your self control. He is unlikely to care about the stack of letters.

If he's married, notify his BW. Maintain NC with the OM forever.


--------------
Me: BH(33)
Her: fWW(31)
Married 8 yrs, together 15. no kids
D-day: 7/15/11
TT thru 4/24/12

Posts: 78 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: The South (USA)
Blisslost
New Member
Member # 37714
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, December 14th (Friday)

I glad you posted this.

I have thought several times of meeting the OW. Immediately after DDay, I went to WH work place to meet him for lunch. I wondered if I would see her, but he made sure she was out of the office.

I have since thought about calling her, but so far I have hesitated. I can't think of anything that I want to hear from her. We are 2 months into R and the only thing I thing about contacting her for is to see if they still have any contact (I don't think they do, but obviously, the trust is still not there). I've thought about saying if you are in contact with him, send me proof and he can be yours (of course I wouldn't mean that) and it's a stupid idea.


BS (me)-37
WS- 37
Married 15 years
Together 20 years
6 children

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Chicago
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, December 14th (Friday)

I agree that it will be tremendously unsatisfying---and might, potentially, set your healing back tremendously.

He's not going to tell you the truth.

he meets you at Starbucks on such and such a day and time, OR you'll bring all your proof to his wife and blow the lid off this affair.

I disagree with this type of ultimatum.

Why? Because his wife should be told, no matter what.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8667 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
jtom
Member
Member # 35322
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, December 14th (Friday)

I called the OM up at his work an tried to get him to meet with me.He was a coward an refused.He was also a liar an denied he was having an affair with my then wife. He also didnt know that I knew he was married an that his wife along with him an my wife all worked at the same place. So guess what ? I told his wife an sat back an watched the circus. An a circus it was. Now that being said, Iam sorry to this day that he didnt man up an meet me. I did take pleasure in showing my then wife what a coward he was and his wife did divorce him. My wife an that clown never got back together. If you feel the need to try an meet the OM, do it.


ME(BH)HER(WW)LTA AT WORK.DISCOVERED AUGUST 2010. TWO SONS.DIVORCED HER. "THE BEST PREDICTER OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR"

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: somewhere in texas
jtom
Member
Member # 35322
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, December 14th (Friday)

I called the OM up at his work an tried to get him to meet with me.He was a coward an refused.He was also a liar an denied he was having an affair with my then wife. He also didnt know that I knew he was married an that his wife along with him an my wife all worked at the same place. So guess what ? I told his wife an sat back an watched the circus. An a circus it was. Now that being said, Iam sorry to this day that he didnt man up an meet me. I did take pleasure in showing my then wife what a coward he was and his wife did divorce him. My wife an that clown never got back together. If you feel the need to try an meet the OM, do it.


ME(BH)HER(WW)LTA AT WORK.DISCOVERED AUGUST 2010. TWO SONS.DIVORCED HER. "THE BEST PREDICTER OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR"

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: somewhere in texas
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, December 14th (Friday)

Well my story reads as follows: I confronted both my XWW and OM together in public. OM was a smug bastard who really did not care that he was fucking my W. Naturally my XWW had demonized and belittled me to the point he thought he was helping her. We got into it and I wound up in jail for 3 days with a year long court battle ahead of me. He in turn got to keep fucking my XWW for another 4 months in my home and in my bed. I found SI and was told to tell his W. I did along with all the evidence I had gathered. A ended the day she got the letter. Not only that, his W made such a stink at their place of employment my XWW was labled the office whore and her career stalled that very instant. I later sent the evidence I had to their HR department as OM was using company e-mail to send lewd and sexually graphic letters to my XWW. He was fired as well. While I was at it I also sent all that shit to the church sponsored little league he coached for. They asked him to resign from that as well. And his priest found out as well. So no more image of good family man was had by OM. Sometimes the power of the pen is mightier than the sword.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5652 | Registered: Nov 2007
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, December 14th (Friday)

I believe a person to person meeting is not the way to go. Honestly. Leave it be.
I like the pen is mightier then the sword approach by stronger08.
Look cheaters lie.
Stay away from him. Just my opinion. Sorry you are here.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, December 14th (Friday)

Not a good idea.

Not a healthy idea, because you can't control what happens at that meeting.

He knows your wife was married.

She made him feel like he was the cat's meow.

He was younger and probably vulnerable to this attention.

He probably thinks a lot of things that are not true, like he's so damn sexy she just couldn't help herself and that he's hotter and more virile because of this, all of which he will realize isn't true as he gets older.

You would be talking to an unhealthy person.

If he is married, tell his wife.

If he is not married, you don't bother with him, because he isn't important, really, he just isn't. What is important is your WS's fucked up mindset.

I just found out that my Sister-In-Law, my WS's sister, is having an affair with a married man (they live out of state, long way away), and has been off and on for years, same man.

It makes her feel better, about herself, while she fucks up the world for someone else, and she sees nothing wrong with it.

It made my WS feel better, but she knows better today, and she sees the wrong. My wife hates this shit...and she did it...and she understands why she and all of her sisters cheated on their husbands, she understands why her sister has affairs with married and attached men.

Work on understanding, protect yourself, and don't look for conflict...and especially don't look for true remorse in a person who frankly doesn't know what that is.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 968 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, December 14th (Friday)

A couple of months after Dday, while my WH was still out of the house, I borrowed a nondescript car & followed WH & OW (they work together) to a restaurant @ lunchtime. WH knew from Dday that if there was any hope of R, he had to NC, however, OW kept calling & TM him, & he kept telling me that she was crazy & he was afraid that if he 100% cut off contact, she would out him & he would lose his job. I walked into the restaurant prepared to confront the slut. The only problem was that as soon as I entered the restaurant, I saw that there was another person in there from the job, & I didn't want to endanger my WH's job, whether we stayed together or D, so I turned around & walked out without saying anything.
But I think she is a stupid, selfish unremorsful whore.
I know I should be concentrating on my self, but nothing brings me greater joy than fantasizing a horrible fate for OW. So far it hasn't happened. I pray that I will hear about it when it does.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 11:50 PM, December 14th (Friday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1389 | Registered: Dec 2012
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, December 15th (Saturday)

I went to OW's house the day after I found out.

She was smug, she lied ....and never once cared for me or my feelings.

I am not sorry I went, she was my "friend" and I needed to see her.

Ultimately, she betrayed her family.

My husband betrayed me.

I would tell his wife, she deserves to know the lies she is living in. I would do it with compassion.

Him, pfft, he isn't worth your time or energy.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
njgal480
Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, December 15th (Saturday)

A face to face is not a good idea.
You risk losing your temper and getting involved in a physical altercation and all the potential legal ramifications that could bring.
He could sue you, he could call the police and make up charges against you.
It could jeopardize your career etc.
Do not let this guy have that much power.
If he is married contact his wife ASAP.
That will have a huge impact on him.
He will finally have consequences.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3163 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
keptmyword
Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, December 15th (Saturday)

I would not recommend it.

Listen, the problem is your wife - not the guy. There is an endless number of guys out there who will take advantage of an insecure woman who will trade sex for fresh attention and compliments. If it wasn't this particular OM it would have been another. It is a given that he doesn't give a flying fuck about you, your pain, your children, their pain, your family, your family's destruction, or anything else except the ego stroke he gets from a married woman willing to let him use her.

The biggest risk you take in confronting the OM is that the action itself will be perceived by your WW as you and him competing FOR her - thus giving her validation for having the affair in the first place. Also, he will just spin it to her as you coming at him as a monster and validating in both his and her minds that she was justified in having the affair.

Do not EVER fight OVER a woman - even your wife. Fight to PROTECT an honest and loyal wife/SO from harm but never fight over a woman for her "love". That simply gives her mental justification for acting like a piece of shit.

The ONLY thing you should be fighting for now is YOUR well-being and YOUR CHILDREN'S well-being. Period.

Also, tell the OM wife. Don't warn him or threaten him or tell your WW about it. Just do it. She deserves to be free of her piece of shit husbands bullshit if she chooses. Right now, she doesn't have that choice as you do.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 362 | Registered: May 2012
Betrayeddaddio
Member
Member # 30198
Flame  Posted: 8:46 PM, December 15th (Saturday)

I confronted the MOM, hours after discovery....I didn't want to talk....12 seconds later as his co-workers helped him get up he said "it's not what you think.." (My WW had already admitted to the PA, I am fortunate I wasn't arrested)

They will lie to protect themselves until the bitter end. If he is married then tell his betrayed wife, you will get more possible truth by corroborating stories with her than listening to the verbal diarrhea spewing from his self-protecting mouth.

Don't let the OM know what you are going to do, or he'll prepare for it, you already know he is a lying sack with no integrity. Mail your letters, let HIM be the one who is suprised this time.....then deal with your own healing, with or without your WW.

[This message edited by Betrayeddaddio at 12:24 AM, December 16th (Sunday)]


BH-42 WW-40 DD-5 DD-9 DD-11
D-Day 09/27/2010 Wayward wife had a 10 month A with married DB co-worker Separated Oct. 2013

Posts: 704 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Canada
tired_and_broken
Member
Member # 34226
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, December 15th (Saturday)

Can't say if you should or shouldn't confront...it's really your call.

I will tell you that after having many confrontations with the M-OW in my case, she lied, manipulated, and tried to play a "victim of love" and "lost soul" and yet, there was an evil electricity surrounding her... she got off on it. And I will NEVER be able to erase that little SMUG SMIRK she gave me out of my head. It left me feeling lower than ever.

HOWEVER, many times talking with HER BS revealed HONEST answers to what was going on. We regularly shared information. In the end, they are still married, and his wife is still sleeping with my now ex-husband. It's never going to be a win-win situation...

I'm sorry...


Divorced 04/12/12
I am FREE!



Posts: 641 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Was in Florida/Now in Texas
zenhouse
Member
Member # 30231
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, December 21st (Friday)

popitdaddy,

In a world populated by billions, there are only a handful of people who you should trust: your spouse, your family, close friends. Your wife owed you loyalty. When she decided to betray you, she betrayed you, not this nobody guy. Try not to focus on him, it will just drive you crazy. If it hadn't been him, it would have been someone else.

We like to think that there is some sort of higher moral code that people should hold themselves to, but the world doesn't seem to work that way. People are cheating on their taxes and running red lights all the time. There are a lot of selfish a**holes in the world.

Your wife's affair partner is one of them. He doesn't care about you, so don't give him any more power over you by insisting on a meeting. He will almost certainly use it to create more problems for you.

Instead, out him to his wife if he is married and give her the chance to know the truth of her marriage. Guys like this don't understand common decency, so don't count on him to do the right thing.

I actually went through something similar in my first marriage. My first wife had an A and ended up knocked up with an OC. So after our D she and her AP (who I knew prior to the A, but only as a casual acquaintance) ended up getting married and I had to interact with him for years afterward (because first wife and I had a child and I would see him while picking up and dropping off my daughter). I never had a cross word or demand for him, always smiled, never mentioned to him that I did not appreciate him having an A with my first wife. And I was taking the high road, believe me, I thought he was a total tool.

I never had to lift a finger in revenge, because he did it to himself by hooking up with a cheater, who divorced him for someone else and took him to the cleaners a few years later.

Don't worry about driving the karma bus, that thing gets around fine without your help.

[This message edited by zenhouse at 1:08 AM, December 21st (Friday)]


Me: BH-44. Her: WW-44
D-Day: 10/31/2010
Status: after almost two years of hell after
dday, we found our way to true R and just passed the third anniversary of dday with barely a notice of it.

Posts: 188 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Florida
What2Thnk
Member
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 3:15 AM, December 21st (Friday)

I confronted both OW#1 and OW#2, and while I found it helpful to know what kind of people my WS was dealing with, everyone who says the OM or OW is a liar is correct. If you think seeing this person will help you, and you can control yourself, make the best choice for you. Be prepared for the OM to try to avoid the confrontation, to agree and stand you up, to show up and tell lies that are intended to damage you, your self esteem and your hope of reconciliation if there is one, to show up and tell partial truths that are intended to make him look better than he is, or to refuse to give you any information at all.

I think that having done it, I would avoid it in the future. Your problem is not with him, no matter how much it might feel like he disrepected you, or took something from you. Your problem is with your WW.


Me (BS) 42
Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1
DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2
DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger
A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
ShesFogged
New Member
Member # 37648
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, December 21st (Friday)

I went to dude's house after I emailed him on Facebook to tell him the jig was up.

I was actually very civil . His little kids were trying to come outside the whole time.


BH=Me
Dday- 11/18/12

Posts: 40 | Registered: Nov 2012
popitdaddy
Member
Member # 37502
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)

I finally broke down and did it. Out of the blue, I called my WW's little boy-toy several nights ago. He tried to play the ignorant/innocent role for a few moments. I could tell that he, like my wife, had NO idea I would ever be able to know about him let alone his identity.
I told him I wanted to meet with him the next night at Starbucks and have a little chat. Obviously, the little coward didn't show up. But that's ok because he knows he's on my radar. Also, it wasn't a wasted trip as I got a little studying done at the cafe!
The only other step I want to take is confront him, with witnesses around and make him face me. I wouldn't ever raise a finger to him (wouldn't dare give him the upper hand in anything) or let him see that I'm vulnerable, desperate or wounded; but to just tell him how much I don't like having my family f***** with!


Me(38) - BH
Her(37) - XWW
Kids - 2
Married: 15 yrs
D-DAY: 10-23-2012
Length of A: [depends on what day you ask her]
Divorced

Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: NW Arkansas
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, March 28th (Thursday)

Dear @popitdaddy,
I read the entire thread with original post in December last year and in March this year you called OM.
You must done a lot of thinking.
I read your profile.
OM is 23 and I assume unmarried, in that case he has nothing much to lose, except his job.

Confrontation with OM in person will not help much and since he chickened out on meeting at Starbucks, you scored a point. He will not be willing to meet even for a adult discussion. He is behaving like a 23 year old sans responsibility. I doubt he has any idea on how much damage he is doing to a person and family. Drop a letter to his parents, or meet them.

Instead of physical confrontation, which will do less damage, try to find weaknesses which will do more damage. I'm not a violent person but I know where you stand right now and feel the pain.
Respected fellow members on SI have written letters to OM family, devastated their jobs and outed them to their friends. I did all and more.
Your WW is still in the fog. Period.
From profile it seems she felt entitled to more attention after losing weight.
I know you love her, but, running behind her at this point will not help your cause.
She must make decision, to stay or not to stay in the M. If she can't decide, then time to heal yourself with a 180.
I don't want to suggest anything harsh, but it is time to take WW on a vacation and make her do the talking as to what she wants from here on.
If D then D. If R then a sincere R.
I am saying this because in my case too OM had lost 60lbs recently, and felt entitled to screw anything and everything that moves in his path. In SI terms being the local fire engine.
If not the 23 year old, then someone else, get the drift? WW needs to know she is in a M and has to act responsibly.

By now OM would have contacted WW about your call to Starbucks and might have planned for calling quits or taking it underground.
Be careful, not to reveal your cards to WW.
Keep posting. We are here mate.

ETA : @stonger08. Loved your post man. You seem to be fun. You got to use the pen and sword. JEALOUS!!!!

[This message edited by Happydays at 5:41 AM, March 28th (Thursday)]


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, March 28th (Thursday)

Happydays----check your PMs


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1389 | Registered: Dec 2012
bridar
Member
Member # 34512
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, March 28th (Thursday)

Nobody can tell you what to do in this circumstances. All I would advise, is if you DO meet him, try to stay calm. I know, easier said than done. I would probably meet the OM as well.

Actually, if things go how i think they are going to regarding my WH & I, I will be meeting the skanky trashbag tomorrow myself. And to be truthful, I am actually scared of what I may do...

Trying to think good thoughts!


Me:41
WS:43
Married 19 yrs, together 22
2 kids 21/19
Feels like I am in Hell

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Canada
LonelyHusband
Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, March 28th (Thursday)

Just pause for a moment and think of yourself and your reconciliation.

This is a man that has loyalty to no-one but himself, and no reason in the world to protect your feelings. If he tells you in graphic details of how your wife screamed his name in orgasm, or how they lay in bed together laughing at you, or how she shook with pleasure when he held her, or how her body tasted, how exactly is this poison going to HELP your healing or your reconciliation. All it will do is breed resentment and cause YOU pain, even if the OM just makes this stuff up. At that point either you collapse with renewed emotional agony or go mental and beat him to a pulp. One outcome results in you being in increased pain and the other outcome results in you being in jail.

The OM will lie. He has every reason to lie. He has no reason to tell the truth or protect your feelings. He may also call the police and shout harrassment. It's not unknown.

Stay away from him. He's had enough input in your life. Focus on YOUR marriage. the longer you involve him the longer you make him part of your marriage.


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
Jeaniegirl
Member
Member # 6370
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, March 28th (Thursday)

My advice would be to not do this without a witness. When the private investigator got all the scoop for me, I contacted the H of the OW and took him with me to confront my H and his W.


"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 979 | Registered: Feb 2005
Markone
Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, March 28th (Thursday)

Normal desire - I had so many revenge fantasies and they always ended up with me in his face.

2 years+ on what do I think?

1. As others have said, she broke her vows to me, he and I didn't have any

2. Was he reckless, selfish etc? yes, but he was a young guy chasing ass. No experience, no context of what marriage means.

3. She undoubtedly lied to him -"it's been over for years", "he's a bully", "He's moved on and is probably seeing someone himself".. does that make it OK for him do what he did? no, but get inisde the head of a 23 year old and those justifications sound good enough to get your dick out.

4. At some point in his life, he'll understand what he contributed to and feel the shame. Or he'll be a BS.

The best revenge is absolute crickets. Not important enough, not relevant enough to you to spend a buck o five on a cup of coffee.


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 36