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User Topic: Hoovering- Don't Get Sucked Back In
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Exclaimation  Posted: 6:01 PM, December 17th (Monday)

I think this might be a timely post for a few people here:

Hoovering

Definition:

Hoovers & Hoovering - A Hoover is a metaphor, taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim, trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship gets "sucked back in" when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.

Description:

The Hoovering metaphor comes from the popular Hoover brand of vacuum cleaners. Hoovering describes how a non-personality-disordered person, while attempting to escape an abusive situation, gets sucked back into the status quo.

Hoovering commonly occurs:

After an emotional outburst, violence or other extreme period of abuse when the victim is most likely to leave, retaliate or seek help from others.
When the victim starts to pull away from the relationship, leave the relationship or establish firmer boundaries within the relationship.
When the abuser internally feels unworthy and fears the loss of the relationship.
A hoovering abuser may shower their victim with gifts, compliments, promises, demonstrations of love and affection in order to persuade the victim to maintain the status quo.

Hoovering is one of the key components of an Abusive Cycle. Without Hoovering, most abusers would be living alone. Hoovering is the "plus side" to many abusers that makes an abusive relationship seem worthwhile to many victims and sustains abusive relationships over the long term.

Hoovering requires two willing parties to be effective: the person doing the hoovering and the person being hoovered, who allows themselves to be abused and then sucked back in.

What it feels like:

Hoovering feels good! And that's the point! When you are being hoovered, your buttons are all getting pushed, your feelings are getting validated, your needs are being met, your wildest dreams are coming true, your opinions matter, you are the most important person in the world to that certain person.

Hoovering often feels like vindication. You might find yourself thinking ďFinally! The message is getting through! Iím not crazy after all! Now THAT is what Iím talking about!Ē But watch out...

When you are starving for any emotional food, just about any kind of personal validation tastes wonderful, but you must remember that not everything that tastes delicious is nutritious.

Manipulative abusers are often adept at giving their victims enough of what they want to keep them where they want them. Even slave owners know that they have to feed them enough to keep them healthy and productive.

But how do I know if a hoover is 'real"?

Many Non-personality disordered people struggle with trying to tell whether a hoover really is a hoover, or if it is a sincere attempt at change by the personality-disordered person whom they care about.

The mistake in that logic is that it assumes that it can't be both. Many abusers and personality-disordered people really are sincere and really are trying when they also are hoovering. People who are hoovering you may not be consciously trying to manipulate you or deceive you. They may sincerely be trying, even hoping, to make it "better this time". They may not be consciously lying when they make promises of change and put them into practice. They may be so convincing because they are so convinced.

You are going to have to be like the adult in a parent-child relationship, who listens to their child's black-and-white promises of great expectations or of "I'll never talk to him/her again" and says "Hmm, we'll wait and see".

If you're not sure if you're being hoovered you should wait and see. Take the long-term view. A person's character is like an average of their behaviors over their lifetime. People can and do make positive changes in their lives sometimes, deciding to change their behavior for the better. Wait a year and see.

Coping with Hoovering:

If somebody who has been treating you abusively starts to treat you well, there's no harm in letting them knock themselves out and give yourself a break, but you must be careful not to take the bait to erode your boundaries, settle for less than you deserve, stop doing things that are healthy for you or stop exercising your own independence.

What NOT to do:

Don't change any of your boundaries or allow them to be broken during a hoover.
Don't relax or give up on any consequences of previous poor decisions for the abuser.
Don't stop any healthy activities or relationships you may be engaged in elsewhere.
Don't assume the hoover will last forever.
Don't use a hoover to bargain for a better life. You are setting up the abuser to break a promise and setting yourself up for a disappointment.
What TO do:

Remember that mood swings are a normal part of a number of personality disorders and that what goes up must come down.
Accept that highs and lows are a part of everyone's emotional life and that, for a personality-disordered person, those may be more intense and lead swings in behavior.
Maintain all your healthy lifestyle habits and relationships with others.
Take the long-term view. Wait a year.
Get yourself off the roller coaster. Position yourself so that your safety and happiness isn't dependent on a personality-disordered person's mood.

Source: http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Hoovering.html


Posts: 11391 | Registered: Mar 2008
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, December 17th (Monday)

Another one:

What is Hoovering?

Think of a big old vacumn cleaner gliding along the carpet making a LOT of noise coming your way with promises that it will clean up the mess and make everything "right".

Hoovering is when the abuser wants to "suck" you back in to the abuser's "game". This means that the abuser needs some more of what we call "narcissistic source" or attention. This can be negative or positive attention.

An abuser will use many different kinds of hoovering attempts.

Some examples of hoovering include:

1. Health issues. The abuser will need you to help them out because they are having health issues.

2. Promises of change. They say they will go to therapy. They will do "anything" to make you happy. False, empty promises they are, but the abuser can seem to be convincing and serious about it.

3. Fianacial issues. The abuser contacts you and says that he will lose everything if you don't give him money. It is always a crisis.

4. The abuser will show up at club meetings, school activities, events, etc where you attend and will begin to give you meaningful looks or try to speak with you.

5. Calls, Texts, E mails. You will boot up your computere one day to find you are once again being "love bombed" by e mail. Or by texts on your phone. This is why you have to block them from being able to contact you in any way.

6. By triangulation. Sometimes the abusers will use family members or friends who will call you or just run into you and who will give you a message from the abuser.

ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT ABUSERS DON'T CHANGE. JUST BECAUSE THEY SAY THEY HAVE CHANGED, ONLY CONSISTENT LONG-TERM POSITIVE BEHAVIOR CAN PROVE IT.

A few nice words don't really mean anything except they were spoken.


Posts: 11391 | Registered: Mar 2008
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, December 17th (Monday)

Yes I needed this today because I am getting sucked back in. Ugh my WH says he has proof that nothing happened in our home on son's bed. I asked him why OW would say that. Of course I got the she is insane answer so who really knows. He wasn't engaging with her after all the sexual innuendos she was making. So not sure what to make of it.

Today he told me that he is sorry that he let someone come between us and that he doesn't feel like he was of the right mind. He wants to make things right. I had gotten him the "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair" and he told me he was going to take it with him today.

The thing is we never had this abusive cycle until his A this year. And before kids entered the picture we had a wonderful friendship and relationship.

But I feel as though this is Hoovering.

Guess I'm not strong enough yet to do what I need to do. I just don't know what I am doing.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, December 17th (Monday)

*sigh*

Yay me.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
PhatDaddy
Member
Member # 35367
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, December 17th (Monday)

Wow, did I ever need to read that right now! Thanks!

I'm proud of myself for already making up my mind to take the Wait and See approach....love seeing backup for good decisions! :-)


Me: BH (48)
Her: FWW (43)
LTA (2+ years)
Found out: 3-5-2012
D-day: 4-2-2012
Taking charge of my own happiness.
I've got to learn not to put my heart on a tee.

Posts: 163 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: SC
NoTriangles
Member
Member # 35985
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, December 17th (Monday)

Thankmyou, TIKY.

I needed this. Pure gold.


Me: Forever Changed
Him: Traitor in my Foxhole
Let go or get dragged.

Posts: 1245 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: a state of consciousness
notinsane
Member
Member # 36286
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, December 18th (Tuesday)

This is perfect! Thank you. :)

Posts: 276 | Registered: Jul 2012
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, December 18th (Tuesday)

outofthefog.net is one of the sources that saved my sanity post d-day; it's a lifesaver for anyone who loves someone with a personality disorder.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8313 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
honesttoafault
Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, December 19th (Wednesday)

Thank you for this post!! WOW. It really helped. The funny thing, it's not only my
NPD WH, but I saw my MOTHER in the post.

Geez. What my IC has been saying. I've been used this behavior and probably why I accepted it from WH when we were dating in the first place.


Posts: 1938 | Registered: Jan 2010
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, December 23rd (Sunday)

Bumping because I live with a vacuum cleaner and I'm stupidly waiting for him to put the plug into the socket.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
juki
Member
Member # 34784
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, December 23rd (Sunday)

Wow. So true.

Reminds me of the swiffer commercials with the dirt LEAPING to get sucked up.


Me: 45
H(Sazerac): 46
M: 25,T: 27
S24

Posts: 551 | Registered: Feb 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, December 27th (Thursday)

bumping for a member.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24394 | Registered: Aug 2011
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, December 27th (Thursday)

Yes. I really needed this at this time. Thanks


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, December 27th (Thursday)

So glad I read this. I kept on skimming the title as hovering so I didn't read it. This is so us. I need to stop trying to sugar coat it. He is being abusive to me. I hate to say it because there are people who are getting called horrible horrible names or being physically hurt. But what he is doing to me is abusing my emotions and soul. And it's about time I get out of this pattern.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 10 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 8, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

I'm getting out of here.


Posts: 1706 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Issaquah
Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, December 27th (Thursday)

Thanks for reposting that. I totally needed to read it again.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
Issaquah
Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, December 27th (Thursday)

Thanks for reposting that. I totally needed to read it again.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 27th (Thursday)

Thanks for bumping, nik!

*I* posted it, originally, and even *I* needed to read it again!


Posts: 11391 | Registered: Mar 2008
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, December 27th (Thursday)

It's a great post, TIKY.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24394 | Registered: Aug 2011
Issaquah
Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, December 27th (Thursday)

It's an awesome post ThoughtIKnewYa. I'll be reading it a couple, thousand times!

I'm sorry I got confused on who originally posted it. It's been one of those days...


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, December 27th (Thursday)

I'm sorry I got confused on who originally posted it. It's been one of those days...

Oh, I wasn't commenting on that aspect of it, just that I went and found it for someone else, then ended-up needing to re-read it for myself. I'm sure similar stuff has been posted before and will be posted again. Having the message available is what's important, not who posted it.

It's a great post, TIKY.
Well, I didn't write it. Not the good stuff, anyway.

Posts: 11391 | Registered: Mar 2008
joeboo
Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, December 27th (Thursday)

This really sucks. Pun intended. I'm married to a vacuum cleaner.

This really sucks. Pun not intended. I have described this scenario before and someone posted a type of disorder that is associated with this behavior. I live this. When I stand my ground, my fww backs off and is very nice. When I start to relax, "she" creeps back in. The only difference is that now I recognize "her".

Thanks for the post. Too bad we couldn't cure this with a really big cork.


Posts: 1208 | Registered: Feb 2011
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, December 30th (Sunday)

bump.

Posts: 11391 | Registered: Mar 2008
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday)

Thank you!!!!

Also, sometimes their going NC with US sometimes causes us to run close to try to get into the Hoover....


The real them is the bad them, not the other way around.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1959 | Registered: Jan 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, April 8th (Monday)

Bump.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24394 | Registered: Aug 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

bump for DecimatedHeart.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9403 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
DecimatedHeart
Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

Thank you SM, I really did need to read this! I am so easily sucked back in. He's not a Hoover, he's a Dyson!


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

Bump.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24394 | Registered: Aug 2011
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

Bump.
Needed to see this today! Thank you thank you!


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
StepAside
Member
Member # 29826
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Don't change any of your boundaries or allow them to be broken during a hoover.
Don't relax or give up on any consequences of previous poor decisions for the abuser.
Don't stop any healthy activities or relationships you may be engaged in elsewhere.
Don't assume the hoover will last forever.
Don't use a hoover to bargain for a better life. You are setting up the abuser to break a promise and setting yourself up for a disappointment.

I think I may be guilty of the last one, does that make me a sucker? (pun!)


Me 48yrs, douche midlife crisis poster boy- 50yrs
too many A's to bother to count, he is a predator that targets loosers like himself
Last Dday April 12/10-Divorcing
We live in a world where the fear of illusion is real

Posts: 1510 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: The Cheese Stands Alone
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, January 6th (Monday)

Bump. For myself so I don't forget and for others posting away after the holidays and WS feeling regret but not showing true R.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
badmedicine
Member
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 6th (Monday)

Thanks, StillLivin!

Some of this applies to my current situation. I just don't want to wait and see. I guess that means I already know....


"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 173 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, January 6th (Monday)

Yep!


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Kitty70
Member
Member # 41939
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

This is good info. I was hoovered for 9 years and actually just broke up while being hoovered. It was a tough decision since during the most recent vacuuming some major changes were being made. It took strength to ignore it and to tell myself it was too late for any good-will gestures.


Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Turn off the vacuum sweeper honey.

You're wasting electricity.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Bump so I can refer to this too although I'm in break up land because I've already recognized his Hoovering and want no part of it.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

bump


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24394 | Registered: Aug 2011
Kitty70
Member
Member # 41939
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, February 16th (Sunday)

Bump...sigh


Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, February 16th (Sunday)

Thank you for bumping. So need to remember this!

Why is it so hard to remember it is not real?


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1240 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Dobegirl
Member
Member # 41837
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, February 16th (Sunday)

Thanks for bumping this Kitty!

Omg this is so the jackass!! This is really good info. He has done this to me for years. And it worked on me.

He still is trying to do it with 800 miles apart between us. Constant texting at all hours. Sent flowers to my work on Vday. Sending me pictures of us. Trying to guilt me.

Only difference now is I'm stronger. It's like I came out of my own fog. I recognize it and his manipulating ways. And I'm not falling for it!!!

[This message edited by Dobegirl at 8:04 AM, February 16th (Sunday)]


Me- BS 44 Always faithfull
Him- WS 44
2 mo. EA/PA with 25 yr. old slut that stroked his ego, online profiles, CL ads
Married 8 years-No kids together
DDay-11/21/12
False R many different times fromJan/13 till Dec/13
Ring

Posts: 147 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northern Indiana
Kitty70
Member
Member # 41939
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, February 16th (Sunday)

I needed this, especially after a Valentine's Day when all the stops were pulled out.


Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, February 16th (Sunday)

Is there any way that this thread can be added to the Healing Library? Or at least the two posts TIKY initially posted?

I've heard of Hoovering but this really hit home.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3317 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Harriet
Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, February 16th (Sunday)

I needed this today.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 385 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I'm bumping this because I need to see this and let it sink in also. I was kind of wondering past few days if this is what is going on or not. I do think mine is sincere, but he is already getting tired of some of the new boundaries.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15095 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Bumping - this is the first time I've read this.
Excellent article!! Thanks TIKY.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3440 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)

bump


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24394 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 45